Well, if that little blerb at the top doesnt get some hits, I dont know what would, giggle. Of course, that wasnt all I was wearing. I had gone to my last session with the community support team and decided that because it was downtown, I wouldnt go totaly enfeme, but could wear my bra and panties and hose under my boy clothes. It was over quick, so I decided to take care of my teeth, which have been aching the last couple of days. I am not sure the dentist noticed, he didnt say anything anyway. Life can be fun, can't it?
I thought I would pass on an update for anybody who is following my progress. I am in counsiling with 2 different groups. One is a support group run by my local hospital, and is very general in nature. It covers my job hunt, my gender struggle, and just how I am doing over all. The other is from the sexual assault center and is mostly focused on my rape, although my gender issues are going to play there too. Both groups have no problem calling me dorothy, and I am going dressed to my next session at the sexual assault center. I am rather looking forward to that.
I promiced I would write a bit more about my faith. I strongly suspect that my grandmother was the one who convinced my mom to send me to christian camp. But whatever the reason, faith became a big componant in my life. I am not sure I could do justice to what it means to me to someone who doesnt believe, but I needed that sense that somehow, in some way, there was plan, and I was included. That Someone beyond myself, greater than myself, was in charge, and He actuallly cared about me. When I found whosoever prays, it was, as it were, an answer to prayer in itself.
Well, I would like to take a sec to talk about my faith. I became a Christian at the age of 13, thanks to a Chritian summer camp. That came as a shock to my folks, as my mom was a lapsed Catholic and my stepfather was a atheist. But thanks in part to my brother's support, I made the plunge. Not having a "home church", I went to whatever church I could get to. For the first few years, that was a baptist church, and I was officialy baptised at age 18.
Well, since people refuse to write this blog for me, I guess I am stuck doing it, giggle. So I wanted to talk about my little piece "The talk" for a second. This one came to me as a, er, erotic dream. Which is weird for me, because normaly I don't dream of boys. Its got me wondering a bit about dorothy's orientation, giggle. Fortunatly for my readers, I toned it down from R rated to PG. If you havent noticed by now, I am not one for a lot of graphic descriptions in any case. Besides, I think the reader can fill in the blanks just fine, dont you?
On most DVDs now, they have some kind of "making of" feature. I wonder, would such a thing about one of my stories be intersting? Well, Let me tell you about the making of "The Saga of E-girl" and you can judge for yourself. When I first began to write seriously, and even put it on a support group site, I did mostly poetry, but also a couple of short stories too. But I was an avid reader here, and the idea of doing a TG story was something I wanted to try.
Looking at this blog, I realize I have only scimmed the surface, hitting the highlights. But I am not sure where to go from here, so I am leaving what to fill in with you readers. What's missing? What are you curious about? I of course will include any breaking news as it happens, but I hope I can satisfy any questions you folks might have.
By the time I was writing "The saga of E-girl", I was desperate to figure out exactly who and what I was. I realized I had to face fully the demons inside me. That would have been all but impossible, except I was getting support from others. I finaly plucked up my courage and published it here, and was overwhelmed by the positive responce. Thanks to that support I have made a commitment to getting whole. I have finally admited to myself what I want - I want to be female. I am in counsiling through my local hospital, and am seeing a rape counsilor as well.
Well, after my marriage imploded, I was ready to try and find out why I behaved like I did. My first stop in this journey was a christian counsiling center. They promiced a "cure" for gays and Tg, and I was desperate. The consilor was into Jung and dream interpertation, and encouraged me to write everything down. So not long after I started, I had a flashback and grabed a pen and paper and started to write. I had no idea what I was writing until I finished and read it. It was a graphic description of one of my assaults. I started to feel ill.
Maybe I was doomed to be confused about my gender anyway. Or maybe the trauma I had suffered created it. The fact is, I don't know which. I managed to bury the abuse so well, I effectively forgot, except in my nightmares. But by the time I started noticing that the girls were developing, I knew I was different from other kids. I felt totally disconnected from the boys and felt empathy for the girls. I started cross dressing whenever I could. I developed all sorts of rituals to force a gender change. But somehow I kept this hidden for everyone around me.
My father was in the service, which meant I spent the first 5 years of my life moving from place to place. Its a pity I wasn't a little older, or I might have appreciated that opportunity more. To walk inside the castles of Germany, to see Paris from the Eiffel tower, to hear the chimes of Big Ben, these were some of the experiences I took for granted. Unfortunately, it couldn't last. My father, suffering from severe depression, committed suicide when I was 5. We had to return to Canada and buried him. Then things got worse.
Grief was a resident in my family from before I was born. Both my brother and I were in our own ways haunted by at least 1 ghost even on the day of our respective births. For my brother, that ghost was my mother's first-born, who had died 2 days after being born. So that when my brother came into the world, he was given the mantle as the heir to every dream and hope my parents had had for his older brother. My ghost was slightly different. While I was in my mother's womb she dreamed of a little girl. She was so convinced this dream was real that she had a female name ready - Colleen.
I would like to take a moment to step out from behind the stories and introduce myself. I am the product of a madcap gypsy childhood, puncuated by madness, death, rape, abuse, and then a long slow attempt to bring the pieces back togethr again. I am a work in progress in many directions. Do you want to get to know me? Be careful what you wish for. The one thing I am demanding of myself is honesty. If you stick around, you will get the truth, to the best of my ability to tell it. That picture may not always be pretty.
Checks can be made out & sent to:
Joyce Melton
1001 Third St.
Space 80
Calimesa, CA 92320
USA
Note: $6000 is the operating, maintenance and upgrade budget. Amounts received in excess of the $6000 will be applied to long term debt accrued over the last 19 years.
