Well, thanks to some wonderful people (you know who you are) I have survived my down, and am headed up. You know, I should make a poster that says "I am NOT worthless, a loser, or a joke! I am valued, loved, and created for a purpose!" in case I forget again. I would like to say I wont hear that voice telling me how horrible I am again, but hopefully, I can get better at tuning it out.
There are occasionally, stories one shouldn't read in certain moods. I loved it, but Randalynn's story "Case Closed" hit me hard. The trouble i have is how much I feel like Paul:
"what do I have to look forward to? Years stretching ahead of me, all alone and in pain, tormented by all the real people? That’s the clarity you gave me this morning, by the way. I know now that I can’t be anything but what I am — the human joke. It’s not going to change.”
Well, down I go. I'm right on the edge of a major depression, and I don't know how to stop it. My emotional reserves are dry, I'm having flashbacks, and my job situation gets worse each day. Pray for me.
Well, I should know better than to get my hopes too high. I had gotten a call from the manager at the restaurant that is in my old work, and made the assumption she was interested in hiring me. Since she had talked about it before, and already said she would have had no problem with me being Dorothy if it was up to her, I started to have dreams of being able to be a waitress. Of course, I was wrong, and she just wanted to pass on a lead she gotten from a customer. Nice of her, I know, but not what I was hoping for. Ah, well.
When we say something is "hysterical" we usually mean that's a good thing. But sometimes, I think laughter can lead to hysteria in the sense of a loss of control. At least I think thats what happened to me last night. I was talking with my girlfriend Kylie, and I started laughing, until I was in pain, having trouble breathing, and yet being unable to stop. I'm not sure what that means.
I wanted send out a public thank-you to Beth W., who spent time on the phone with me yesterday, on her dime. Bless you, sister. Sadly, I am fighting a fever, so its going to be a while before I feel 100 %
well, the door to my old job has closed. No chance to go back. To add to my stress, I got an email from my brother that really set me back. Its hard to keep from being discouraged with all these setbacks.
Well, I am trying to keep a positive attitude about my brief experience in the workforce as Dorothy. It was good for me to be me in a RL situation, something I can try and build on if I find another place accepting enough to let me be myself. I just don't know how realistic that actually is. I have so few skills, I feel like some grunt job is my best option, and those are not usually flexible. Ah, well.
I read this quote from the latest chapter of "You meant it for evil" and It just describes the choice of transition for me perfectly:
“What happened to you is a dream come true for someone with a mind like yours. Reality for most people like you is harder and sadly, with the intolerance of society, born to some degree from the way most of us are put together, ends up being a decision between two bad choices. Either hide who you are inside and pretend to fit in or make the change and live with the consequences."
Well, the job is done. I thought they would give me the whole 2 weeks to try it, but they decided I just wasnt aggressive enough to be able to do it. On the one hand, I am pretty upset about that, but I am trying to focus on the positive. I got a chance to try out being Dorothy in a real-life situation, and didn't do all that badly. But now, the hard part. I will probably have to file Dorothy away and look for a job as Todd. Ah, well.
Well, two days into the new job, and I am not sure about how long it will last. The pressure to sell is amazing, and I just dont have the way with jokes that some of the others do. Plus, I am dealing with having to do a quick-change before I go home - putting my Dorothy clothes in a bag and putting on male ones. The clothes are a symptom of the fact I am currently living 2 lives.
Well, I finished my 1st day of work as Dorothy. The good news is that my trans status mattered not at all. After the morning meeting, nobody failed to call me Dorothy, and a couple of girls walked with me to a coffee place for lunch, and obviously had no problem being seen with me. The only bad news is that the job is rather stressful, insofar that you are under some pressure to make sales. Keep praying for me.
Well, last night I got a chance to celebrate my upcoming job with the local tg group. Everyone was, of course, thrilled for me, and several took the time to calm my nervousness by telling me they can see my growing confidence in terms of portraying a run-of-the-mill woman. (As opposed to me feeling like a I looked like a man in drag) Still got a lot of butterflies in my tummy though. A prayer for me about Monday would be appreciated.
Well, I got a call back from the call center. I start training Monday morning. Going to go as pretty as I can. Here is hoping I can do the job well enough.
With apologies to Tom Petty, that's pretty much where I am right now. It is so hard to just....wait. I have nothing to rely on except prayer, and patience. I hope its enough to see me through.....
Well, it looks like my store may be sold. The US based chain "Target" has been exploring coming to Canada, and is in the process of buying several stores belonging to our chain, and it looks like ours is one of them. If it happens all the employees will be laid off, and have to either apply with they new company, or at other locations of our current one. I hope I am gone before that happens.
For a special bulletin. This is your all time favorite super-heroine, The Fantastic Fluke, coming to you live from an alternate dimension! I have "borrowed" Dorothy's blog to let you know I am working with her on the final chapter of my amazing origin! Look for it soon, and stay sexy, everybody!
Well, I just had a big dust-up with my mother. She is totally afraid that I won't be able to be accepted by the world at large as Dorothy, and I will not be able to meet my obligations. I know its mostly because of her own exhaustion and stress, but it still hurt.
well, i was rather stupid. I have been fighting tooth pain the last couple of days, and i had the chance to go to see a dentist today, and didn't take it. It would have meant waiting most of the day at the ER, and i felt better by the time i might have considered it. Now, i dont know when i might have another shot, and i wishing i had gone.
Well, I had my interview, and I think it went well. I should find out by the end of next week if I got the job, but they seemed okay with me being me, and I think i showed my telephone skills. So we will have to wait and see.
Well, I just got back from dropping off a resume with a call center as Dorothy. Not only that, but I dropped in at my current work as Dorothy, and said hello to everyone. Thanks to having been talking about this for the last while, nobody seem shocked. One of my co-workers even called me Dorothy. Pretty good day, I think.
Well, I am trying very hard not to feel discouraged by the error I made in posting my Phoenix story. I really liked how the story turned out, and now it will probably vanish without much recognition. I am trying to focus on the fact that just writing something that long is a major accomplishment for me. I am starting to wonder if the meds I am on for depression are doing any good any more. I am finding it harder to keep positive, and much easier to feel hopeless. Monday, I will call the doctor and tell him. Meanwhile to try and cheer myself up, I am working on the last part of Fluke.
Well, my Phoenix story is up. Its nearly 30,000 words long, almost three times as long as anything I have ever written. I hope people like it (and are not shy about saying so)
Well, I want to thank publicly everyone who sent me some support after my last entry. Somehow, just writing it down, getting it out in the open, made a huge difference, and the support I got pulled me the rest of the way back up the hill. That doesn't mean I wont ever struggle with not feeling "pretty" again, but I think as long as I remember I don't have to listen to that feeling, I will be okay. Meanwhile, I am reaching the home stretch in terms of my Phoenix story. I have one last issue to figure out, and that is; do I let them actually make love? Or not? Its a nice problem to have....
I have been fighting a losing battle with negative self-image lately, and yesterday, I think I figured out why. I was working in the health and beauty department, restocking the hair color isle, when it hit me. Every box I put on the shelf had a picture of a beautiful woman, with flawless skin, amazing hair, and all the rest. Each picture was like water torture, eroding my ability to see myself as passable, much less pretty. I have to keep fighting this feeling. Despair is deadly.
Checks can be made out & sent to:
Joyce Melton
1001 Third St.
Space 80
Calimesa, CA 92320
USA
Note: $6000 is the operating, maintenance and upgrade budget. Amounts received in excess of the $6000 will be applied to long term debt accrued over the last 19 years.