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There is something standing in the way of me truly being happy and that is my fear, or phobia, of happiness.
I don't know when or where this phobia developed and I really wish that it would go away. The problem is, when things in my life start to go really well in my life I start expecting some calamity to strike. The greater my happiness, the greater the fall. I've mentioned this issue before in the past.
Right now I find myself in the first deep meaningful relationship in my life. It is probably pathetic that it took 38 years to get there, but who am I to complain. I found someone that I really care about and get this, they really care about me back. We are intimate, we are close, we laugh a lot and we share our emotions openly. There is even talk of marriage.
It's not a relationship that I thought I would ever get into. It is a little strange, at least I think so. We are both trans, just going in opposite direction.
But fear is getting in the way of me being happy. I fear that I will do something to really fuck up and lose the relationship. Every time he tells me that something is wrong the first thought that pops in my head is that he's come to his senses and had decided his life would be better if I weren't a part of it. He hasn't given me any signs that is ever going to happen and assures me that it won't when I voice my concerns. But I can't live waiting for the other shoe to drop and I need to know how to get better. I'll take any suggestion into consideration.
Comments
It isn't a fear of happiness
It's a fear of failure, of not trusting the happiness or not believing it will last. So if you relax and enjoy it, you could lose it, so you don't you stay on the alert, suspicious and anxious but sort of in control. Unless you can learn to trust others, but mainly yourself and your instincts/intuition, it's likely to stay.
Join the club, I think half the world suffers from it in one form or another.
Angharad
Katie
you need to open your heart and let Jesus embrace you, for you are loved more than you can possibly imagine.
May Your Light Forever Shine
if you find an answer hon, share it?
I would like to lose that fear myself.
Katie,
I think these thought patterns are learned and can be unlearned. A therapist would be a big help in working thru these problems. It might take a while, so you could try to get free or very low cost help. Catholic social work has free therapists (in AZ at least) and they don't bring up religion very much at all. Probably there are councilors with other religious groups and your state or county might have a low cost mental health system for the poor.
If you feel worried all the time and most things seem to go wrong, you might want to try some antidepressant drugs or even St. John's wart or 5HTP (made from the amino acid tryptophan, which is starter chemical for seratonin) that you can buy over the counter. Some of us here hate antidepressants, but when I take one that works for me, my depression noticeably lessens.
Good luck, try not to worry so much.....
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee