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I'm not really sure how to go about starting this so I'll just jump in...
I had a visit with my GP today and have received my first ever prescription for an anti-depressant. My visit with him today was specifically to talk about depression treatments and to follow up on with diabetes care (type 2).
For quite a while now, probably a little over a year, I've not felt any pleasure in doing my normal activities and hobbies, have felt extreme anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed with work. What brought about my doctors visit was while at work a couple of weeks I was sitting at my desk checking my email and just burst in to tears. I cried for about 5 minutes then texted my spouse letting them know what had just happened and that I think I might have depression. We texted back and fourth for a while, with me crying through most of it. I couldn't leave work just yet as I had to meet with someone who needed technical assistance with their computer. I was able to get myself under control long enough to meet with them and immediately left for home after we were done.
Once I got home my spouse and I talked more and I cried even harder, and continued to cry for about 2 hours. I felt like I was failure to them and myself, that everything was hopeless. Talking with my spouse did help calm me down some and I made an appointment to see my doctor that same day. I talked to my boss the next day to explain why I had left work early and they were supportive. I was able to make it to the doctors today without another crying breakdown, but still feeling like nothing mattered.
while talking with the doctor I broke again and did some heavy crying. He prescribed Lexapro and explained that I might want to consult with a counselor as well. I'm to meet with my GP again in about 6 weeks to check on my progress with the medication.
To be honest I'm scared. I never thought of myself as someone that this would happen too. I mean yes I'm transgender, I've been full time since 2003, and I've dealt with my share of discrimination and intolerance, especially from my family, but this doesn't feel the same to me. Just the utter hopelessness of it all. Not wanting to even do anything because I know it won't bring me joy or pleasure.
As far as I am consciously aware I haven't had any thoughts of self harm, but I can't say that I haven't had such thoughts in the past. But one of the things the doctor told me about the medication was that a possible side effect may be an increase of these thoughts. It was after he told me this and handed me a pamphlet for the local behavioral center that I broke down crying. I know I don't want to have those kind of thoughts, it scares me so much, and I don't want to end of in a psych ward somewhere, but if taking the medication helps me with my depression is it worth the risk?
My first pill will be taken this morning when I wake up, along with my other pills I normally take. I know it takes some time for the medication to build up in the system before you can really start seeing the effects (or side effects),
so I just wanted to write this blog post as a way to get my thoughts out and hopefully give myself some reassurance that this is the way to go for now and just see how things progress. I've asked my spouse to monitor me and take action if it appears that there are negative effects that show up and I don't recognize them. I'm probably just being paranoid, but I've always been scared of having this illness of because of my upbringing and how people with mental illnesses were looked down on by my friends and family.
Being closeted trans for 29 years and knowing how that was looked on by my family as well just added to that fear. I only came out after I had moved 2 states away from my family and that is when I started transition and began living full time. Soon after I lost my job and had to move back home to my parents. They were not supportive of my transition, but let me live there as they at least wouldn't turn their child away. It takes its toll being deadnamed and misgendered constantly though. That however would be a conversation for another Blog.
I think this has gone long enough so I'll close it here.
~Michelle
Comments
Wish I Could Give You Good Advice
I hope the pills help but basically only you can work through it. Been there, done that, and if you stick with it, things will get better. Whatever you do, don't let go.
Thanks Joanne.
Thanks Joanne.
First pill was taken today. I believe with my spouse's support, and new friends here, I will get through this.
My Heart Goes Out To You.
I understand. We've been dealing with Covid and the threat of death and that is wearing. I've spent lots of time in prayer AND have been seeing a Counselor almost full time since about 2002.
I'm T also and have been out since 2004 and post op since 2007. Not claiming any bragging rights but just wanted to show commonality with you. I did lots of weeping in the years 2005-6 after being thrown out and divorced. I was put on heavy doses of Psychological pills and in my opinion, they just made matters worse, but I was so sedated that it took me until 2008 to realize that and have only just finally gotten off all of them. I still see a Counselor.
Blessings to you. I do hope that you begin to feel better. Exercise helps me just lots. I was in a Dialectical Behavior Therapy program for over 10 years and that helps a lot. Please write to me if you have questions.
Gwen
Hi Gwen,
Hi Gwen,
I do worry about being dosed up on the pills, but we are starting out with a small dose, and I've asked my spouse to watch over me and if it seems like I'm not myself to take the necessary actions to get me back.
If I'm not mistaken I think we have more in common as well. I think I read somewhere that you were raised in Mormon household. So was I. Stopped as soon as I could :)
pretty common, actually
Depression is very common in the trans population, for obvious and not-so-obvious reasons, so you're not alone. I'm glad you're talking to people about it, as depression often makes people withdraw, and the isolation just makes the depression worse. (Vicious circle.)
I strongly recommend also going into therapy. At least in my experience, the anti-depressant doesn't make the depression go away exactly, it mainly makes it so you can function.
You might also want a therapist who is experienced with trauma (PTSD and C-PTSD); trauma is also very, very common in the trans population (and the LGBT+ population in general), to the point that we tend to assume it's just how life is for everyone. PTSD is commonly assumed to only affect soldiers who have been in combat and perhaps people who have suffered extreme physical and sexual abuse, but it can also result from emotional abuse or emotional neglect. The circumstances you describe suggest that you might be suffering from it.
BTW, AFAIK, the best book on trauma is Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score.
Hi Asche, thanks for your
Hi Asche, thanks for your reply.
You may be right about the PTSD. I did have some physical abuse from my father as a child that left me very fearful of him for a long time. Nothing sexual, just being smacked around, spanked, etc. There is more to it, but don't want to get in to right now. I also jump nearly every time someone touches me, even when I know it's coming, including my spouse.
I also have a very bad reaction to raised voices (arguing/yelling) even when it is not directed at me. I instantly want to find a place to hide and get away from it as fast as I can. When it IS directed at me I just go in to a null zone and become expressionless and unresponsive.
I think I will be looking in to therapy soon. Have discussed it with my spouse and they are supportive of me going.
Three little helps and a big one ...
Coupla things about depression:
Depression an Evil Beast, and it is a Liar.
===
It can be a bio-chemical thing - our bodies 'decide' to get a little out of whack, and it gives us problems. Example: My doc looked at a blood test and sent me to the Emergency Room because I was running low sodium. The 'first aid' was giving me a half-liter of saline (IV). Doc & I talked it over and we figured that my drinking 3-4 one-liter (I measured...) cups of tea per day was maybe not so good. Oh, I and I now nibble a smidgen of salt once in a while.
My low salt was not my 'fault' (OK, I was drinking the tea...), I wasn't a 'failure' or any such thing ...
=> Just as your depression is not your fault or failure. <==
---
Depression is an Evil Beast. It sends us into wrong thinking, thinking that is simply not true. We end up stuck in bad mental loops, just spiraling down. Imagine getting trapped in a car wash which is stuck on "polish" - you have to get the attendant to stop it before the car is down to bare metal or worse ... The medications can cut/reduce the power on the wrong thinking, therapy is like the car wash attendant correctly 'whacking' the machine into better functioning.
===
Here is where I can give you a Big Help. You mentioned Type-II Diabetes.
- Here's the good news: Diabetes symptoms can be greatly controlled and reduced, and blood sugar levels and control can be greatly increased.
- Please, very please, and like right now, read these two sites:
1) https://www.pcrm.org/health-topics/diabetes Dr Barnard has done hands-on diabetes research.
- Dr Barnard wrote a sane, worthwhile book on diabetes:
- https://www.amazon.com/Neal-Barnards-Program-Reversing-Diabe....
- This is the >free< 'how-to': https://kickstart.pcrm.org/en
- Also look over all of the https://www.pcrm.org/ site.
2) https://www.drmcdougall.com/category/free-mcdougall-program/ If you hit a spot that wants yo to pay: Stop - you took a 'wrong' turn, back out, start again. The Dr McDougall program I'm sending you to is free. Also, look over all of https://www.drmcdougall.com
3) More health information at NutritionFacts.org. Over 2,000 3-8 minute health videos, grouped by topic and searchable. And Dr Greger is a hoot to listen to.
And, no I don't get anything from any of these sites. I'm just a guy who wants his friends to live better, healthier, happier, longer lives.
===
Here's my third 'little help'.
As I go bopping through life, there are an endless list of things I'm grateful for - things where I'd like to give the people giving me those things a great big hug. Time, or distance, or 'appropriateness' preclude such 'hug delivery'.
So I've got this huge pile of hugs just 'floating out in the ether'. Take however many you want or need, I've got more.
Hi Alan,
Hi Alan,
I forgot to mention in my post that because of the depression I was intermittently taking my daily meds including my diabetes medication and Estrogen. I was also not monitoring my blood sugar. My GP was not happy with my A1C result this time. I've got all my meds refilled and my spouse is going to help to make sure I take them when I'm supposed to.
I think we are going to have a conversation about food at some point as well. My spouse wants to start eating more vegetarian dishes. Honestly we don't eat a lot meat dishes as is, but we don't include enough vegetables and fruits as we should.
Thanks for the list of resources. I took a quick look and will read through them more.
I worked in the mental health field,
and I think I have a good perspective on this. I, too, am a T-girl and my experience has been that the medication is only useful as a way to break the cycle of the problem. After that, you need counseling or therapy to get your head screwed on straight, the medication alone will not do that. After you have pulled yourself together - and yes, you pull yourself together, the counselor's job is to help you do that, they cannot do that for you - some people may need to continue some kind of medication to keep themselves together, those people have some sort of chemical imbalance and cannot keep themselves together without it. I hope this helps, and if you need someone to just talk with, I'm here quite a bit of the time, hit me up. One final note, if the therapist or counselor you are going to see starts telling you how to fix yourself, find a new one! Only you will be able to know what will work for you. Don't be dismayed if you have to go through more than one, you may have to search to find the right fit.
Thanks Holly.
Thanks Holly.
I've only been to see therapist once (psychologist actually) when I first started my transition. I had to see him every week for months to be able to get my first hormone prescription. He retired shortly after I legally changed my name and I haven't seen anyone else since then.
My current HRT doctor goes by Informed Consent, I wish they had that back then because other then telling the psychologist about my life and taking some tests, I never really felt like I got anything out of his sessions. He wasn't that versed on TG issues and had to actually send my file to colleagues that had more experience with them for advice. If it wasn't for the fact that they were several hundreds of miles away, I probably would of just went to them instead.
Depression is insidious - it's good that you're talking about it
Big "D" will beat you down. It's a bad spiral. Over time it gets better; meds can help IF prescribed. Talk it out... lots of friendly ears in our 'club'. Best wishes!
Lots of resources out there. If applicable the VA offers assistance.
Donna