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I was messaging my therapist today, when it hit me that while I thought I had moved on from guilt about my rapes, apparently I have not.
You see, I told the doctor how I wanted to grow up to be as pretty as my mom, and that gave him the wedge he needed to break me utterly.
So if I had hid that truth, would I have been spared?
My mind knows the answer is no. He'd raped my brother and at least one of my cousins, if I had managed to convince him I was a regular boy I'd be no different than they were.
and yet, at some fundamental level, I keep thinking I would not have . . . fascinated him in the same way
Anyway, now that I've made myself cry, could I get a hug or three ?
Comments
Huggles
on the way by express mail.
More than a hug...
With PTSD, you WILL cycle through emotions as certain events and other triggers bring to mind those things that understandably but erroneously leaving you feeling guilty. Like any other trauma, abuse often brings with it feelings of profound grief, which you already know is cyclical. You mourn for what should have been along for what you should never have received. And you know that the 'seven' stages of grief aren't hallmarks to attain, but natural responses that can often repeat
One of the most common things we repeatedly say to ourselves is "I should be over this by now. Why can't I move on?" You ARE moving on but the process is painfully slow at times. Nevertheless, you're not firmly entrenched in the past; the memories ARE losing their foothold. Your words of question often do not reflect the immense progress you have made in the midst of challenges that would daunt anyone's resolve. I know I'm not alone when I say I am very proud of you! Love you, dear sweet friend!
Love, Andrea Lena
than you so much, Drea
hugs
2nd guessing.
Second guessing is always so easy. The thing is, you know the truth. We always come back to that questioning of what we've done.
It's after 2 AM my time and I've been wrestling with God all night. It's a slightly different situation, but I'm terrified of what I know I'm being told. I keep coming back to what has happened in the past. I absolutely KNOW that He's telling me to do a certain thing, but what will I be giving up?
As Andrea says, progress is there. It may be slow, but it's there. Keep in mind that the past is gone, never to return. It can't physically hurt us now, but it can emotionally, as you know.
I'm not a therapist, but the fact that you've seen things wouldn't have changed if you'd done things differently may help with any guilt you're experiencing. A lot of times we know intellectually that we didn't do anything wrong but this still that feeling that somewhere, somehow we must have.
I'm of the firm belief that we are urged to feel that way to keep us "under the circumstances". I'm also of the firm belief that this is something you can and will overcome.
As I've said before, I've been wrestling with stuff tonight too, and putting my thoughts down here is helping me see things in a better light. I hope it helps you in some way.
Hugs, Dorothy. You're such a blessing to so many people!!!
Hugs!
Rosemary
bless you, Rose
huggles
Belated hugs
Belated hugs here, just in case the previous cascade is not quite sufficient. My hugs are experienced, i.e. slightly used and thoroughly refreshed. And I'm a trained hugger. :)
HUG! (Feel the love.) HUG! (Feel the peace.) HUG! (Feel the tranquility.)
Sara
Between the wrinkles, the orthopedic shoes, and nine decades of gravity, it is really hard to be alluring. My icon, you ask? It is the last picture I allowed to escape the camera ... back before most BC authors were born.