I never thought my life could be like this

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Growing up intersex and transgender was tough on me. I looked, walked, and talked like a girl while growing up because of being intersex, but since I wasn't allowed to be a girl, I was beaten, urinated on, had my jacket set on fire with me in it, had my hair set on fire and kids spit on it to 'put it out', and worst of all, I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor when I was only 8.

All the way into adulthood, I was called a freak and an it, and every time I asked someone out they freaked out that something like me would even have the audacity to ask them.

I eventually ended up walking on the sides of my feet to stop my natural feminine gait, became morbidly obese to hide my female body shape and wore baggy clothes to hide my breasts, and started acting like a clown so I would be laughed at instead of beat up.

I hated myself, and became incredibly depressed eventually not even caring about my personal hygiene or if I even got out of bed.

In 2007, when I was crying in the shower, I swear that I heard my dad, who had died in 2000, tell me that he was sorry that he didn't allow me to live as a girl. That gave me the courage to come out as transgender, which I did that very day, but I still hid my intersex status over fears of history repeating itself.

When I transitioned, I started using my natural female voice. I even forgot how to use my old voice, humorously trying to use my male voice when I voted for Obama in 2008 but instead sounding like a woman trying to imitate a man. The lady checking signatures gave me the weirdest look. I'm surprised she even let me vote under my male name.

In 2015, I began attending a group therapy program. I met a transgender woman who was only a few years older than me, and we became friends.

In 2018, she surprised me by asking if I would be interested in dating another transgender woman. I told her that I'd like to be her friend, and that I wasn't sure where our relationship would go, but I was willing to give it a shot. Inside, I was ecstatic that she actually asked me out, as I thought that would never happen.

She asked me to teach her how to sound like a woman, and I told her that I would, even though I had no idea how to do so since my voice never lowered during puberty. I was freaked out that she would not want to have anything to do with me if she found out that I was intersex.

A few days ago, I did something really rare for me, and commented on a story, "Walker's Path" about my experience as a transgender intersex woman.

That gave me the courage to finally text my friend that I was intersex. I was incredibly scared about her response, and was in tears this afternoon thinking about possible rejection.

Instead she gave me the most beautiful reply. She said that she didn't care that I was intersex. She told me that I was an important part of her life and that she was still interested being my friend and possibly dating when I was ready.

For the first time, I think my life story might actually get a happy ending.

Comments

Accep[ing One's Self

BarbieLee's picture

There have been so many over the years. I've shed a lot of tears and lost pieces of my heart. And then there are those like you JenniBee because of your bravery and strength, managed to survive. Hon, you and all the girls like you who share their trials of life and survived, fill in some of those cracks in my heart and soul. Thank you for being you and accepting no less.
Hugs
Barb

Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl

XXY Non-Kleinfelter's

I was born in 1947 and was feminine, voice and all. As a child, my Stepfather was extremely abusive, threatening to kill me. I was married for 38 years, had three children, though I have had doubts at times that the two oldest were out of wedlock. The youngest is adopted. In 2004 I began living as a woman. I do not consider myself Transgendered. Do the best that you can, and don't let anyone tell you who you are.

Gwen

fantastic

good for you, hon! Have a Dorothy huggle on the house

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