Well, apparently I cant hide it very well when I'm having a bad flashback.

I was at the pot-luck dinner for my trans support group, and started having real problems, when a couple of people made a point of asking me if I was okay.

Of course, I wasnt, but by keeping myself engaged in my surroundings through what I could feel, see, hear, and even smell, I was able to ride it out and get back to normal.

Well, on Mother's day I talked a bit about how that day and Father's day can suck for people who dont fit the gender stereotype, but today, with Father's day being tomorrow, I wanted to talk a little about some of the challenges I have being one.

First, you have to understand that I was totally not prepared for parenthood, to but it mildly. This was not just because of my gender issues, or my overall mental health, both of which have played a part in my struggle to be a good parent, but because I had no role model in my own life to draw on in terms of what a good dad looked like.

Well, I had a super hard day at work in terms of trying to get stuff done, and I'm paying for it with a stiff neck, sore shoulders, and general tiredness. Added to that, I'm losing my up part of my bipolar cycle, which means I'm headed down, and fast ...

To make things totally yucky, after reading a story on here that had a forced sexual moment, I started flashing, and really havent stopped so much as have small breaks between flashes.

Ah, well.

I am a Desert Shield/Storm Veteran. During the war I was a Field Artillery Surveyor in the 1st Infantry Division. As such, I directly participated in the liberation of Kuwait from Iraq. This also means that I actually witnessed the results of what happened on the "Road of Death". This is the main road between Kuwait City and the Iraq border. Needless to say, the sights were not very pretty (I actually stepped on brain matter). For years now, I have been having difficulties so, I finally forced myself to go to the V.A. Medical Center in Bedford MA.

For the vast majority of my life, I've felt like a failure. No matter what I tried, I failed at it, or at least that's how I saw it. Then, having nothing left to lose, I went looking for help for my rape, and then for my gender issues.

And a funny thing has happened since. I've made amazing amounts of progress on both issues.

First, with the rape, I can now ground myself through a flashback, and my nightmares have gotten much better.

Here is a new pic of me. I hope this works:

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-ash2/371255_10000223...

OK, so, I've been "out" for a while. Just about everyone knows about me, lots of people who passed me with only a casual glance were already seeing a girl... So it was time to take the next step and drop the male facade completely.

At about 615 this morning I dislocated my knee, and unlike the usual when this happens, it stayed out for several minutes, leaving me in enough pain to have to call my supervisor for help. I spent the last 45 minutes of my shift having to move very, very slowly and carefully, doing light work as I went.

Hopefully, this is a one-off, and not a sign I'm going to get in further trouble with it ...

Last night, I started to have a flashback, and I found a new way to ground myself. I started clicking the button on my safety knife (its the knife I use at work to open boxes). The sound of the clicks somehow kept me from spiraling out of control.

Interesting, no?

There are some trans people who somehow never doubt who they are, and can easily withstand any pressure to be anybody else.

But not me, I get moments of doubt.

When I was young, this doubt came partially out of fear - the fear that I had to be insane to have this feeling of femininity coming out of a body that was anything but female. So trying to disbelieve the feelings came a form of protection against that fear.

Well, I had a better day at work last night, and now I'm off for a couple, so I'm going to try and get a few things accomplished. But its not all rosy, as you can guess by the title of this entry, and that's because there are things in my head that kinda scare me, and I have a number of almost-mental-illness like conditions that are less than fun.

They include having some OCD-like traits -I'm not a neat freak, or a germ freak, but I have a number of "magic" little routines that seem to serve no purpose other than keep me calm. ...

I felt like sharing a little bit before I go away. Lately I've been having a lot of dreams and remembering them, which really isn't that odd for me but I know some people would be envious. A week ago I had a dream that my Aunt was back living and approved that I bought a house. I was more worried that since she was officially dead and I spent the inheritance, she didn't have anything to live on monetarily (though she would always be allowed to stay with me). Anyway, that's not the dream I wanted to talk about.

First off, real life back story or the dream won't make sense.

I'm a bit confused right now about how to handle this news.

This past week I went to the doctor about my high blood pressure and mentioned the soreness around my right nipple. After examining me, he said I have gynecomastia. I guess I'm not really surprised as I am 55 yrs old, 5'8" and 245 lbs. I'm confused because I have feelings of both "not another problem" and "WOW".

Well, yesterday I came out to my daughter's teacher, basically to get her to watch out for any signs that Sam is getting bullied because of my transition. Coming out wasnt that big a deal - to either of us, based on her reaction, but I felt better for taking a step to help deal with the anxiety I was having over Sam. Hmmm. Actually DOING something proactive? Could be a good idea for other stuff too...

I am slowly walking down the path, fearfully, afraid, but moving forward.

The depression has receded, but it still lurks. Having accepted that I will probably transition, just not today, seems to have taken a load off. My boy says he thinks I am becoming much happier. I think he is right.

As I wander in the tunnel I dug for myself, and knowing that the light coming toward me is an oncoming train that I built, fueled, and sent toward me, I wonder if I am going to survive its impact. Somehow, no amount of bracing myself seems to be helping ...

I seem to have a high self-preservation instinct. Not only cant I kill myself, I cant even make myself go crazy properly....

Every day I pray I havent wasted my life, that somehow, something I've done will actually mean something in Eternity. If not, why be here at all?

Outside my mother's room is a charcoal portrait of me, taken in my 20's. I have a mustache in the picture, and for many years its been a bit of a challenge to not look at that painting without feeling a bit pained.

But yesterday, I happened to glance at it, and somehow, something had changed. Like one of the hidden images in some pictures, all of a sudden I could honestly see a girl in that face, even with the facial hair.

Make of that what you will.

I've gotten several requests for this and so I would like to let everyone know that I am ok, and I managed to get a therapist. I just got back from South Carolina, twelve plus hours in the car :(. Also, apparently my therapist doesn't think i have a very good psychiatrist.
hugs :)

I am a person who doubts almost everything. probably because I already believe in two completely impossible things already, and despite what Alice in Wonderland recommended, that's probably my limit, or maybe even over it.

What makes my impossibilities even harder to deal with is the fact that they are regarded as totally incompatible with each other in the sense that people who have tried to assure me that one is impossible, almost always believe that the other exists.

What are these two impossibilities?

Simple. The existence of God, and the existence of Dorothy.

This is the story of how I (came out)was outed by my parents as TG and how I really couldn't have done a worse job of it if I had tried to do it the worst way possible.

An apology, to all who called me on my being a drama queen over the incident with my car. I just got off the phone with the insurance company, and it turns out I'm NOT going to have to have a year's worth of coverage up front. Once again, what looked to me like a mountain turns out to be a mole-hill, and boy is my face red over my over-reaction.

Hopefully, this is a lesson I can learn for the next time something happens - dont make more trouble than is actually there, and take it one breath at a time.

Thanks to everyone who puts up with me anyway.

The Family Girl Blogs (aka "The New Working Girl Blogs") Blog #46:  The Upside to Mental Problems, or At Least I'm Still a Size Zero To see all of Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click on this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs

I spent Friday evening and the whole day Saturday in the hospital for a checkup. Just a checkup, no big deal.   My therapist thought it a good idea for me to have the checkup, and I did.   And since the set of tests to be done was just a hop, skip and a jump from those required for a full-blown complete physical, I agreed to the extra tests, x-rays and whatnot and made it a full physical - at least the kind of tests that my company's insurance carrier requires for a "full physical."   That means I doan pay nuthin'!   :-)   It's all on the company's bill, and it satisfies the yearly checkup requirement.

The results came Monday (the hospital apparently doesn't process test results on weekends), and then the squad of doctors that my therapist required did their thing and interpreted the results and typed up their findings, and we got everything Tuesday, which we brought to my therapist for her further perusal.

Anyways, my less-than-perfect bod was mostly okay.

Every morning, I get up, look at this body of mine, and wonder how I can possibly make being female work. I mean, put it in a suit and have it lose 50 pounds, and it would probably be called "handsome".

And yet here I am, trying to change that, and somehow make this body pass as a woman's.

Its dam hard, and sometimes, it feels like a hopeless task, so why do I bother?

I've never had enough discipline in my life to reach any goal I've set, so why do I think this will be any different than when I tried to become a nurse, or before that a teacher?

Well, finished dealing with the insurance company for the moment, and I got both the bad news and the worse news. The bad news is that due to the non-payment I was cut off as of April 1, and to re-start a policy I'm going to have to pay the yearly cost up front. So somehow over the next little bit I'm going to have to come up with 18,000 $ up front to have coverage for the upcoming year.