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Broken Wings 100

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CHAPTER 100
So once more our Christmas arrived, and we ended up at The Usual Suspect’s, where I spent the first half of the evening watching Frank and Marlene dance around each other. It had taken a while for me to tease out what the details of their disengagement were, but in the end it was a simple story: Marlene had been crapped on by her family, and how I understood that, and Frank had been too young to see what that really involved.

Broken Wings 99

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CHAPTER 99
Stupidly, I missed the Italian trip, for the simple but crucial fact that I didn’t have a passport. I had a list of documents that I would have needed for getting one, such as birth and gender recognition certificates, but there was no way I could have obtained a GRC in that time. I really felt stupid when I mentioned that to Cathy, and she muttered, very out of character for her,

Broken Wings 98

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CHAPTER 98
I sat basking in my smug satisfaction in seeing two girls, who had arrived at the House so utterly broken, now standing up and making the world their own, along with a future. Charlie then dropped a bombshell to match Marlene’s.

“Got my own news, as well! Got a letter on Friday, from the clinic. All sort of fits together with last night”

I had noticed some of her own smugness that day, even though it had almost evaporated in the heat of her time with Seb. Unfortunately, she then started spraying tea as she struggled with laughter,

Broken Wings 96

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CHAPTER 96
It felt odd to be home, as always, partly because after weeks sleeping on a campong mat any bed felt as if it would swallow me in softness. There was also the simple fact that I was now arranging my calendar around things other than the girls and my delivery roster.

Those ‘things’ were a real novelty, because they meant spending nights away from the House, because I kept to my rule about overnighting men. Sharing space with another person was another steep and worrying set of lessons.

Broken Wings 93

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CHAPTER 93
Kim was around early the next morning, which surprised me. I was getting ready to head off on the bike for the first of four days of longer delivery runs, out to Carmarthen, Haverfordwest and Llanelli, loading a flask of coffee and some ham and cheese rolls for my midday break, when she banged at the kitchen door. A couple of the girls were just washing their breakfast bowls as she entered, and the grin plastered onto her face lasted just long enough for her to say the words “Gemma let us know and… Oh.”

Broken Wings 92

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CHAPTER 92
I had worked on the basis of there being no pressure in getting into the club, as such places are rarely sold out. Frank had changed into much the same rig as myself, a pair of extremely well-worn jeans, a dark blue fleece jacket and some plain black trainers, clearly taking a lead from my own presentation. I didn’t tell him where we were going, but as I parked up, someone walked past in a pair of those silly patchwork trousers, a squeezebox case in hand, and he laughed in the most relaxed way he could manage.

Broken Wings 91

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CHAPTER 91
Bert had his own sources of information, god knows where, and he simply told me to stay home until the funeral was done. No questions, no options, just a simple and clear instruction to take what time I needed. The papers were going ballistic over what sounded like open warfare at some MCC’s ‘family-friendly event, and among all the sensationalism were an awful lot of stupid editorials demanding that Something Be Done, and I was utterly in agreement with Bert regarding my fitness to drive.

Broken Wings 90

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CHAPTER 90
I held it together for the next few days, at least in public, although it was nearly impossible when Rosie let me know the time and place of Carl’s funeral, because the only thoughts going through my head right then were variations on ‘Not FAIR!’, and that wasn’t a good way to approach my life. I had duties, I had obs, I had girls who had survived far more than I had ever head to face, for they had done it without my amazing luck in finding Mam and Dad. For the funeral, I would have my sister with me. What had my girls been left to keep them safe?

Broken Wings 88

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CHAPTER 88
I was unable to speak for a long time, that name cutting the strings that had stopped me slumping onto the bed as Kim did. So solid, so ready to pull Kim into a cuddle, find out what her problem was, to ease her pain, and thump.

Oily. Happy, smiling, cheeky, gorgeous man Oily. Rosie and Carl’s brother.

‘Shooting’.

Broken Wings 87

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CHAPTER 87
The news filtered back over the next few days, largely via Paul.

“She hurts, Debbie, but she’s still with us. She’ll be ready for visitors tomorrow, doctor says”

We were all in the back dining room, except for Kim, Gemma and Alicia, and I saw several of the girls sit up, Charlie and Tiff whispering to each other. I knew exactly what it would be, of course, and over the next week we operated a rotating watch over Paula. By ‘watch’, it seemed to consist largely of watching her eat a large number of Gemma’s best treats. And by ‘rotating’. It was mostly Charlie and Tiff that were involved. A few nights after our first visit to the hospital, I had a different sort of visit, as once more a nondescript figure in raincoat and baseball cap was at my back door.

Broken Wings 86

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CHAPTER 86
Marty must have had his chat with Gemma, for she asked for a house meal the next Friday evening, which brought a flurry of urgent requests for additional places to be laid, one of them for a much smaller person. No Blake, however, as it turned out he was doing some coppering job or other. What the hell; I had asked Paul and Paula as well, so it was the second dining room, as ever, for a full House. Gemma insisted on doing the cooking, really pushing the boat out with little savoury nibbles to start with followed by a full-on chicken dinner with more trimmings than a Mod’s Vespa, and as she bustled around the kitchen, directing some of the other girls to ‘pour this’ or ’peel those’, I found myself looking properly at Marty, as he sat in an alcove, as much out of the way as he could manage, given his size.

Broken Wings 84

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CHAPTER 84
It was odd, in that I felt almost as tired as Di must have, just with the waiting around. Once we were all back at the House, and Paula had departed with her man, I slept the clock round. Of course, that might just have had something to do with what we drank at Harry’s, but I did my best to claim otherwise, even if only to myself. I rattled round the House on my own that day, the girls all being either at school, work or on some teenager mission of other to the city centre.

Broken Wings 83

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CHAPTER 83
It was quite a bright Thursday, and I wasn’t on shift. Charlie and Tiff had some excuse or other for skiving, something about having finished and passed their A-levels, so we were all at a loose end. What to do? Decision made, two girls on the bench seat of the Transit, one on a seat in the back, and round to Diane’s. She would definitely have biscuits, because I made sure I put a couple of packs into my rucksack.

Broken Wings 82

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CHAPTER 82
Cathy didn’t speak much as she drove us home, but I suspect that was simply the way she approached her driving, like everything else she did: measured, methodical, cautious and then, after all options had been weighed, decisive. It wasn’t until we were safely on the M4 that she offered a comment.

“What was it Peggy Hughes said to you as we left, Debbie?”

Lifeline 18

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CHAPTER 18
Sam and Rosie, naturally. That word sat in the front of my mind as I watched them run across the field, and it was another little barb in my soul. Up and down, my mood; the slightest little thing derailed me.

‘Naturally’. I wasn’t natural, of course, not what they thought I was, not a real girl in any legal sense, but that wasn’t the issue just then. It was how they were acting without a script, natural children behaving naturally. Such things had been beaten and raped out of me in Mersey View, and in other supposedly safe spaces before my entry into that particular circle of hell. I watched two other children of around my age, I saw them dance and laugh, and when I matched them, I had to think it through beforehand.

Broken Wings 81

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CHAPTER 81
The girls had recorded the news, of course, and once we had finished creating a new underwater hazard, we settled in as a crew to watch it a few times, although Jazz and Nell had made their apologies and driven home as we had finished, still being kind enough to fit some of the girls into their cars..

It was Paula who surprised me, her cheeks glowing pink with wind and effort, a smile seeming fixed to her lips. As the rest of us stumbled over the shingle back to the bus stop and Paul’s car, she squeezed my arm in delight.

Broken Wings 80

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CHAPTER 80
With a shout from Stevie of ‘Don’t be a stranger, lass!’, I stepped out of the bus and into the car, Jon in the driver’s seat once more. As I settled down in the back seat, Di called to me over her shoulder.

“Hiya, Deb! Hop in. I was just about to start the third degree on Jonny boy here. About a certain fellow officer who officially officiates in our office, sort of thing”

Rhys, of course; you teasing cow. I wondered what Jon felt about being the butt of her humour, but he seemed fine with it. I picked my words carefully, thinking of Gemma’s uncertainty.

“Yeah, some of the girls will be a bit disappointed. Gemma in particular”

Broken Wings 78

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CHAPTER 78
I spent the next hour catching up on so many things with Benny, together with his husband and Roger, who drew me out of myself with his absolutely shameless camping. I actually found myself smiling, then laughing out loud, as he told stories of his life with his late husband. I caught a hint of tears from Peter every so often, but when Roger described their wedding, we were all roaring with laughter.

“So there we are, outside our delightful little Danish lattie, and I pick up darling Simon, and I nearly put my back out, and of course he has to do the same, across the threshold, and we have a toast, of course, with decent bubbly”

Broken Wings 76

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CHAPTER 76
A fortnight later, and I was sitting awake in my bed at two in the morning, shaking, my laptop screen glowing beside me on the bed. Paula had been as good as her word, and the first chapter had landed in my inbox ten days after that evening meal with the new girl, and the woman had clearly been listening carefully to me. The first part followed the scheme I had suggested, but as Paula came back out of her opiate haze, the bright and potentially high-flying mind was lighting up.

Broken Wings 75

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CHAPTER 75
I didn’t see much of Di after that night, largely because she was off doing married woman stuff, wifing with her husband. That didn’t mean it was all quiet at the House.

My first warm moment was when Charlie and Tiff, after sharing experiences with some of the other girls, asked if it would be possible to go to what I thought of as a Tech college. Neither of them was exactly stupid, but they would never be high-fliers like my first two students. They resumed their GCSEs, interrupted by their wonderful domestic experiences and a certain wonky-eyed shit, and the courses they chose were hairdressing for Tiff, which didn’t exactly surprise me, and social studies, or whatever it was called, for Charlie. That one had puzzled me, until Charlie explained.

Broken Wings 74

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CHAPTER 74
Life seemed settled at last, especially for Charlie and Tiff. They were still rationing their trips outside, but at least Charlie had started wearing something other than night clothes, and when we made our Summer expedition, they came with us, as did Gemma and Kim.

This time, Lim was driven up by Phil, and there were happy grins and congratulations from Cathy and my original Nell. As for Alicia, she rode up with her father, and when Owen the barman commented on how nice it was to have his guitarist back, and Alun made a comment about looking after his daughter, Alicia beamed for days. The weather blessed us for several days, and there was one shining moment that lifted my heart even more than Alicia’s wide smile at her father.

Broken Wings 73

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CHAPTER 73
Kim was at my shoulder as I caught up with Charlie, and all the younger girl said was that she needed to get out of the building. I helped her down the steps, spotting Paul and Paula standing with the blonde copper under one of the trees to the left of the entrance. Charlie saw where I was looking and nodded, and we got to the next tree just as she broke down completely. Kim and I wrapping her up as she sobbed. All I could do was hold her, soaking up her tears in my jacket, as Paula puffed away on a cigarette as if her life depended on it. A few minutes after our exit, Diane and Blake arrived, and as I looked over Charlie’s shoulder the woman’s face started to twist. Blake took her hand, then her waist, whispering something that brought a couple of sharp nods of agreement from her, and then they started towards us. A few seconds later, they were followed by the two other victims, the Nell Paul had spoken of, together with a woman called Jasmine. That second Nell held out a hand to Diane, clasping her other over the shake.

Broken Wings 72

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CHAPTER 72
Paul kept me up to speed, in a very unofficial way, especially when two of Di’s mates started the process with Paula. He was clearly fretting, worried about whether she would be able to cope with the sort of thing I wasn’t sure Di had managed without being hurt. That said, I couldn’t be sure Charlie would be able to take it, but she was now insistent that she was to, as she put it, rip a new arsehole in Ashley Evans’ face. While I wondered about her sense of anatomy, I understood her meaning perfectly. Paul, though, was already suffering. He did put my mind at rest on one issue, however.

“No, Debbie. Got a room rented for her”

“And who’s paying for it?”

Broken Wings 70

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CHAPTER 70
I had a day off after that chat with Nita, and as Spring was now with us, I made sure the girls were okay before riding down to the little bit of a wetland nature reserve that had been made close to where I had first met Bert.

The migrants were passing through, some of them coming to stay somewhere in Britain, others heading even further, using Cardiff as a refuelling point on the way. I settled down with scope and flask, and as I scanned the reeds and water, I found my thoughts running through Diane’s behaviour. We had talked, to her obvious embarrassment, about the girls, and about them actually BEING girls, and she had confessed to me how steep the learning curve had been for her. I suspected that the only reason she was able to adapt at least a little had been the shared pain.

Broken Wings 69

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CHAPTER 69
She chatted to Tiff as well, and what else could I do but offer her a meal, after asking the other girls for their permission? I got the idea that Diane had very little in the way of a life outside her work, and while she showed some understandable reaction to the nastiness the girls had experienced, there was a real impression of grey bleakness behind her eyes. What had happened to her at sixteen had clearly wounded her soul in ways I suspected might never heal, but as she sat with us in the second dining room, over a tray lasagne prepared by Gemma, she started to open up. As Charlie and the rest poked fun, nicely, at Gemma’s taste in rugby players, I watched Diane slowly emerge from her shell.

Broken Wings 68

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CHAPTER 68
I rose to me feet, nodding to her to follow me, and as we left the Olive, I gave Kim a stealthy thumbs-up. Across the road, round the back and through the various safeguards. I caught her gaze sweeping over the two cameras we now had on the back of the house, and eyebrows rising as I undid all of the locks. I shrugged as I put my keys away.

“Some people don’t like us. What can you do but follow the Boy Scouts’ motto, and be prepared?”

Broken Wings 67

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CHAPTER 67
The evening news became a fixed routine for us over the next weeks, but there were few updates. What they revealed, though, left several of my girls shaking. I wouldn’t stop them watching the reports, but I made sure I was on hand if they needed me.

In simple terms, the gang would meet up near somewhere like the Smugglers, watch for a likely target, then jump him in as violent a way as possible and drag him into a van.

Broken Wings 65

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CHAPTER 65
The next few days blessed us with amazing weather, and we ticked several of my boxes including the traverse of the Glyders and down to the campsite, starting from Pen y Pass, by way of Cwmffynnon. I drove everyone round to the car park in the minibus, Alun driving me back afterwards to collect the larger vehicle. Pat had offered, but I wanted to allow Alicia’s father a chance for a chat, as I suspected he wanted one. We set off from the tents after a cup of tea and a change into softer footwear, and he spoke steadily as he drove.

Broken Wings 64

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CHAPTER 64
I pulled into the Shell garage, of course, a little way short of the Waterloo, leaving the girls to watch the van and fend off any approach from the staff about free parking by promising a fill-up when I got back. I wanted to be absolutely sure it was only this particular Daddy Dearest joining us, rather than risk the presence of Alicia’s mother. I didn’t really believe that was likely, but that recent loss was still burning a painful wound in my soul.

I spotted him from some distance, sitting on the low stone wall next to the pay-and-display machine, a cardboard beaker of coffee or tea beside him. Just the one, and no sign of anyone else nearby;

Broken Wings 63

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CHAPTER 63
I walked into the back dining room two days after Maria’s arrival, and found my girls in what looked like a conference, and quite a serious one. They looked up, almost simultaneously, and then Nicky and Tiff led the new girl away. Patricia seemed the most sensible just then, so I looked to her for an answer, but when I asked her if there was something going on I should know about, it was Charlie who replied.

“Something we saw on the telly, Nana. That Alkies Anonymous thing. Just us in here, nobody else, so we have a little chat together. Hi, my name’s whatever, and I’m here because people at my school were shits. Hi, my name’s someone else, and I’m here cause Dad started buying me stripper’s knickers”

Broken Wings 62

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CHAPTER 62
I ended up in a daze for weeks after the wake, in an odd way. I functioned at work, with no distraction or concentration issues when driving, and I apparently managed to act human when at home, but all the time I was chatting about school and college, trips to the hills or to the far West, I was asking the same questions of myself, over and over again.

Is this worth it? How am I making any difference, doing anything useful, when a girl goes up a chimney as soon as she finds her family again? I found myself planning ahead one evening, working out when the last of my brood would finally hit eighteen, and I could pull myself back into my shell. I went all the way through January and into February assigning a departure date to each girl, as Heidi kept away and Paul kept his counsel limited to an occasional prod to take the urn out to Splott or other places of need.

Broken Wings 61

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CHAPTER 61
I went back into the living room and called over to Emma, who was nearest.

“Can you call the Olive? Your phone, or the house phone, don’t care”

I gave her the number, muttering apologies to Heidi as I did so,

“Get Kim and Alicia back here now, Emma. As quick as they can, love. Heidi?”

She came back on, and the background noises told me she was driving, or at least in a car.

“Yes?”

“Talk to me”

Broken Wings 60

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Not leaving the last chapter's hand grenade to fester.

CHAPTER 60
The year had been a decent one, all told, and I was looking forward to the usual festivities, even without Malcolm and Graham’s presence. For once, I had not only the Christmas Day off but Boxing Day as well, and some sad man without a life had actually volunteered to cover New Year’s Day for me. My plans took a slight hit when Heidi dropped in to sort a couple of things at the end of November, those ‘things’ actually being Serena and Alicia. The four of us adjourned to the dining room as soon as Paul turned up with Nita, which I hadn’t been expecting. As I was sorting out a tray of drinks for us all, the kitchen door banged, and it was Kim.

“They here, then?”

Broken Wings 59

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CHAPTER 59
I called out to the girls slumped in various chairs.

“Any of you understand how to set this bloody thing to record?”

We had upgraded the television after the previous set had walked out of a back door and, by proxy, onto a mortuary slab, and it had all sorts of tricks I couldn’t get my head around. Chloe was the one who made the necessary button-pushes, finding the time for the programme and setting the machine up to capture the show for a later opportunity.

Broken Wings 58

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CHAPTER 58
I don’t know whether what Marlene and I had called my ‘girl magnetism’ was wearing off, but Heidi and Nita seemed to have come to a temporary half in supplying new residents. We are, after all, such a tiny proportion of the population that I must have been sheltering a major part of the available ‘supply’, and there was also the parallel fact that not all parents are bastards.

Broken Wings 57

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CHAPTER 57
I couldn’t wait for another evening, and so I loaded up the van with mugs and selected girls, Rachel and Emma this time, as soon as the meal was finished and the rest had settled down for yet another run-through of the pictures. I had taken twenty minutes for a quick internet search about Ms Stevens, and the results had left me feeling utterly horrified. I didn’t waste time asking myself stupid questions about how people could do such things, et bloody cetera, as I had met Cooper and Hamilton, so had an intimate knowledge of what alleged humans could be capable of doing to others.

Broken Wings 56

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CHAPTER 56
Cathy and Nell had left us with one mumbled apology, and that was for their failure to pack up and head home immediately after their term had finished. Nell in particular had done her unsuccessful best to hide a sly smile.

“Leo’s never been to Scotland, so, well… lot’s of places to explore”

Cathy had burst out laughing at that remark, leaving Nell blushing even more fiercely than she had done at that infamous New Year’s Eve party. She started to stammer something else, and I shut her up with a hug and a finger to her lips.

Broken Wings 55

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CHAPTER 55
In the end, it was Charlie who made the bridge that brought Tiff to us. The latest girl had done her best, holding her hand out to Gemma, but it was Charlie she clicked with. I suspected it was mostly to do with their shared experience of the man that the latter, with an increasing prickliness, started calling ‘That wonky-eyed cunt’.

Whatever the reason, they seemed to work well together, and the only time that I really saw the damage that had been done was in the simple fact that neither of them would ever leave the House. Not for any form of schooling, not to go shopping, not for a night out at the Smugglers. Just not, ever.

Broken Wings 54

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CHAPTER 54
To my surprise, Tiff wouldn’t talk to me when she first arrived. A small, huddled figure reeking of fear, she almost clung to Kim, who looked at me over the child’s shoulder with a little smile that clearly said “Leave me to deal with her”

“Tiff?”

“Yeah?”

“Going to take you out the back. Quieter there, just us girls, OK?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. That OK?”

“S’pose so… Is there a door?”

Broken Wings 52

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CHAPTER 52
Heidi came over a week later, having spent some time digging out the necessary paperwork Frank had asked for. We settled down in the kitchen cum airlock with a cuppa and, purely by the slightest of random coincidences, a couple of Gemma’s treats

“Took some time with one of the family court judges, Debbie. He’s someone I’ve dealt with before, a bit more switched on than most of the others. This is good! Would it, by any chance, be some of Gemma’s work?”

I grinned and nodded.

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