Tragedy of the Spirit -Part 17- Jason

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Jason and I spent a considerable amount of time talking and I did give him the background on my beginnings and my journey. He listened to my story, and tried to comfort me as best that he could. He hated it that I couldn't relax around him as I did Jenn. When he found out why, he wanted to hurt my 'family' as they had hurt me.

Our weekends were spent mostly on the phone with several dates as he placed it and we did get close. I did, however, feel out of touch and out of place and I truly believe that he knew what I was feeling and tried in so many ways to understand.

One conversation we had was very intense. We went to a restaurant called SMITTY'S. This restaurant was very nice and we occupied a quiet booth near the back. He ordered coffee and I ordered tea. I guess I grew accustomed to tea after growing up on the farm and never really acquired the taste for the black brew.

Jason: "I need to know where you and I stand on several issues here Melissa. I feel a strong admiration for you. And yet I feel I cannot get any closer to you as you have this wall about you. It’s like you are always on guard. And I am not really sure why?"

Me: "I really don’t understand, myself, Jason, I have tried my very best to be more myself when we are out, and I am open to what you have to say to me. I do try my very best to communicate with you, Jason. And, to tell the truth, I suppose that I knew that trying to date out side of the "realm" of street life was going to create a lot of problems for me, no, for us. I know that I have a wall up. I just don’t know how I can be anymore open without that wall. I do understand what you are saying, I think. I wish I knew why and what I am trying to protect myself from."

Jason: " I know exactly what is happening, for and too me here, Melissa. It is as if I am starting to get feelings for you and I am not really sure where or what your thoughts and feelings are towards me. I know you have a lot to try and deal with your transition, your running and you’re trying to protect yourself. I WANT to KNOW where I fit in and how I can assist if any to make this easier."

I was shocked at his words and his general stance on this.

Me: "Jason, I have so much to protect myself from that I know. And when I was on my own and living the street life, MY priority was MYSELF. I had no one. I could not rely on anyone. I had to rely on only one person here and that was ME. I am SO trying to be the person that you want in your life. And just maybe it is what I want as well. However, I know that I need to get right. I am not sure how I can do that without hurting people like Jenn, you and the acquaintances I have made. I want to keep my guard and my wall up. Otherwise, I am not sure how I can deal with this."

Jason: "I know that I am asking a huge lot of you here, Melissa. I just feel that if it is not correctable, then maybe we should part and see where it goes. But, Melissa, I am not sure anymore about what you want. What you feel you would like in your life. It is almost like I am dealing with a parent here."

I was again stunned.

Me: "I know that maybe so, but you have to understand that my life was not easy, nor will that life be easy for me in the future. I can’t be sure what I need here. It could very well be that I am trying to maybe to do way too much. I wish the hell that I knew. My life was and looks like it is still fucked up way far beyond what is normal for a human to be able to deal with. You know, Jason, yes, I have grown up. I was placed in an extremely difficult situation, and I made do with what I had to deal with on a daily basis. I have told you before that my life was not easy. I get the fact that you are trying to deal with my insecurities, and my failures, as you may see it as. Yes, I know that I have failed. And in some ways, I have succeeded. Yet, in others I have not met the expectations as to what you wish for a girlfriend. I guess that in essence, I have failed there as well. I am not going to hold you to me, if you want to, you can walk away. However,
I do care and wish to try and make it work. If you want to, you can leave. But, I am hopeful that we can remain friends if that happens. If not then I will move forward as best I can. I know you are off to university soon. I get it, I also get that you think that I am way to "wise" for you with my street smarts survival and strength. I also get that fact that you could have any girl you want and desire. I have been rejected enough already."

Jason: "I know all that Melissa, I just want to try and be with you, and I cannot though. It feels like you are withholding and keeping a safe distance."

Me: "Do you wanna know why I keep a distance? Do you already know?"

Jason: "I know why, I guess. I also guess that your protection from abuse and being hurt prevents you from getting close."

I smiled and nodded at that comment. "I also fear though, Jason. You are a bit bigger than me and well it kinda reminds me of my 'father'. Yes, I am afraid of you. Yes, I have to protect myself from the world. I know I have to change it, but I am not sure how and when I can do that. It is not like I can turn a switch and just say that it is going to be 'OK', and that everything that went on with me will be erased. I cannot, and will not do that Jason. Not for you or anyone. I can’t afford it for myself right now. I have paid too much already for fuck sake."

Jason had a lot of confidence in himself, his intellect was amazing and that was what attracted me to him. I feel he was also attracted to me in the same fashion. I believe that I shocked him there with that as his eyes grew wide and saw a flicker of angst there. We ended our night and he took me back home and I briefly explained the night to Jenn. She nodded her head and went to bed. I relaxed in my room and shed some tears.

My relationship with Jason lasted 5 months and 4 days and we had many long continuous chats like the one that night. I guess he never was able to come to terms with my past. I on the other hand tried my level best to slowly drop the wall around me. I was not successful, though. I guess that in looking back at this whole Jason experience, it gave me an opportunity to try dating outside of what I was so used too.

I was use to a quick wham bam night over and over. Yes, Jason and I had some sex however like all the nights and tricks on the streets he used protection. I was not going to end up getting a STD. I had vowed to stay STD free and it has worked for me. Jason and I would not remain friends, he eventually moved off to the coast and I lost contact with him till 1992, then my world changed again.