Thank you much from this 56 year old going on 13 year old girl. I have another birthday, the one where my alter ego behind the writing became legal and to that young one, she's only 13 or will be on July 6th.

It took my birthday month for everything to blow up on me. I had hoped for someone to spend the rest of my life with but he lied to me. And I found out that he loved the idea of me but not me. I haven't told him yet but since I am living with him, I thought that it would be best to wait till I was ready for a new home. I sunk all of my money that I could beg borrow or earn into a class that would qualify me for a new career. With that my employer has decided to trade me in on a younger model and not wait till I finish my class to start cutting my hours, greatly adding to my financial woes. And the thing that my boyfriend lied to me about was that everyone in the house I'm living in is about to be tossed out like garbage since the rent we were paying did not make it to pay the $200000 mortgage on a house that's worth $13000.

All is not lost. I went in for an interview today on a live in Home health Aide job which will replace both my lost income and my lost home. I've been helping one of the ladies in my class and she says that she has the connections to get me into a job like we both are training for which will add about $20000 a year to my income which will solve a lot of problems. Number one will be getting my boyfriend out of my life for good since he is only interested in me because I'm a pre op that passes well as a woman so that he can stay in the closet. While I don't mind sharing these issues with you my friends, keeping these secrets have put a cramp into my life. I play the dutiful partner to him which takes up a lot of my time when I'm not working. I don't trust myself to not speak of these things to my girlfriends so I haven't been able to use voice to communicate since this started.

I only hope that my true girlfriends will bear with me a bit longer since within a month of my getting notice that I have to move out, I will be in a situation where I can speak freely. I've tried to write of these things but it seems that every time that I have that the internet has swallowed it up never to be seen again. Some would hope that things might return to the way they were before I had this boyfriend in my life, however time does not stand still for anyone. Unlike when I first came to play here and I was in a new town with no friends in it besides the woman who provided me my place to live, I have many friends right here in town that vie for my attention as well. Add to that parents who wish to make amends for earlier wrongs in the only way that they know how, and my time is filled with those who are here in person. I've been working full time and even getting a day taken away won't be much of a release since I've been going to school full time on the weekends too.

I've found time to return to writing thanks to Erin's creation of One April Morning and I've loved writing again. I plan for there to be more of my unfinished works completed too. I've found that I can write when I can't talk out loud. So even getting the big secret out of the way, being able to devote vast amounts of time to absent friends just is not what I'll be able to do. I understand that I must seek more of a balance. I've never been much of a telephone girl in real life. Real life tells me that I can't stay up all evening and night on Skype and talk. But the 13 year old me is teaching the 56 year old me how to do that with a little help from my newest friend who for this is just natural. It's not just my online girlfriends that I have neglected. Others who have been close to me IML have been neglected also. I hope to in the days of more time that should be opening up soon to find the balance that will help me keep in touch the next time the walls close in and I have no time for my self or anyone else beside the time demanded by a few that I have not been strong enough to tell them that they are too demanding.

The future will be bright for me. The next few days and weeks not so much. I ask my friends to forgive my failings and I promise to learn this unlearned lesson in my life of not surrendering to the priorities of a few to the detriment of many.

Thank you to my friends on this birthday, for I believe that it is only one's friends which one may take from one life to the next.

All my hopes,
Sasha