I decided to post this, because I remembered some things and am putting this out here so I don't have a breakdown. I just remembered my initial reason when I was younger for not saying anything and now that I'm wiser it was dumb and I'm so mad and frustrated at myself.
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my stupid decisions
The one I'm referring to was that I didn't tell anyone was because my reasoning was that I couldn't be a natural girl and have children, and how the people around me would react.
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
A Truth
If you were able to do things over knowing what you know know now you would do things differently. But, if you didn't know what you know now you would probably do the same thing.
Don't berate yourself that you didn't do the right thing then. Do what is necessary now.
shalimar
From one stupid girl to another?
...we weren't stupid. And I'll bet you were as afraid without hope or resources or support or encouragement as so many of us. Gladly, some of us have moved past the past and our fears, but many sadly have not, and mostly through nothing but what life has given us. Dear one? Never feel stupid or less of whom you are for being human in a world that considers us inhuman, please? You're much to precious for that! As Shalimar has said, do what is necessary now, okay?
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Its hard not too, I still
Its hard not too, I still haven't told my parents, the medical costs are so much, I'm over 6 foot now, I'm back to wondering again if I could ever be happy
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
other things
Ive totaled my car so and lost my insurance, I've messed up at college once and I'm on my last chance now :(
hugs :)
Michelle SidheElf Amaianna
Dear heart...
...in 1982, when I was 31, I was in the midst of a divorce. I had no insurance; I was injured on the job and through a glitch in the system, I was denied medical care and compensation and had to rely on my soon-to-be ex-wife's kindness in remaining on her medical insurance policy. I had major surgery on my left knee and had no car to get myself around. I had already washed out of college a decade earlier. I felt I was all alone and hopeless, literally out of chances.
Fast forward to 2012. I am turning 61. I have been married for over 26 years and have a wonderful wife and terrific son. I have a master's degree in Psychology and have had the supreme privilege of working with children and teens. I have had the opportunity to minister as well. And I have found a place here for who I am inside, no matter what else takes place, though I still hope for Andrea to find life outside the 'closet.' Things can get better. My prayers for your encouragement and strength as you go forward.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
We are so lucky
We are so lucky now to have the resources such as this site now, and access to friends who understand us. I remember feeling I was so weird for even wanting to try on my sister's dress. It was lonely to feel like I was different from anyone else in the world.
Only later did information about sex changes begin to appear in the media and I realized I was not alone. We simply don't realize the ideas and attitudes which are programmed into us from the beginning until we are exposed to alternatives.
Just remember that you did the best you could under the circumstances that existed in your life at the time. Now you have a new chance to move in any direction you wish. So celebrate where you are now and look ahead.
Suzij
Suzij
I Berated Myself For Not Starting Transition
x
uh, nevermind.
Well shit, I guess it really CAN happen here..,
.
It's established fact
that the choices we make at any time are the best we could at that time. It's neither helpful or necessary to regret them becuse you can't undo what's past. You can however, use mistakes from the past to improve future decisions - this amazingly enough is actually called learning and very few people seem capable of it.
The fact that you are over six feet tall doesn't mean you can't do things, see my blog about the 7" tall ex basketball player.
That you've crashed your car and messed up at college doesn't mean you can't improve your life, stop flapping and feeling sorry for yourself. Make a plan - carefully - and use it to implement change - it doesn't have to be major change, just enough to give you back some control over your life.
Good luck.
Angharad
Angharad
You're doing better than you think...
At 59, I did have a breakdown and after a while finally faced the truth. This will not go away and you have to do what you can starting today. I've found that everything does get better if you do... not perfect, just better. I wish you all the best.
It's not all about you.
Or at least that's what people began to tell me after I cried and emoted so much that I sort of made people sick of all the drama. I got outed on Dec 18, 2004 and it was a very wild ride for a while; having been admitted to the psych ward 5 times and making a couple very serious attempts; one of them where I should have died but was miraculously saved by a loving God. For those of you with a problem with God, that's between him and you.
I lost everything, but eventually decided to just trudge on. Lots of us have worse things happen than just the loss of our car.
Miraculously, I made friends both here and in the Muggle world. I'll never recommend that anyone transition, and in fact did try to return to living as a man in May of 2009. Hyeah, that lasted a couple days, caused me to get a hair cut and almost jump from an 8Th floor balcony. In the end, the person who cut my hair thought I was a dyke changing to a guy, and the person who made me new "Male" glasses gave me androginous glasses because they did not actually believe I could do it.
Miraculously just before Christmas of this year, I had a kariotype test and was found to be PAIS.
So, work every angle that can help you. I am not officially intersex and NOT transgender. It has saved me a lot of pain.
I think that I was a drama queen of the likes that Big Closet has never seen. I actually know a genetic woman that is 6'3" but she is more feminine than Barbi.
Within certain limitations, forget about your size. Work on presentation. Spend a few hundred on a speech pathologist working not on pitch but vocabulary, speech patterns, inflection and a dozen things that make up the female voice besides pitch.
For me: I hardly ever wear pants of any kind, and if I do, I make sure that they are very feminine. I keep the makeup modest. I work very hard to think like a woman, talking about others mostly and avoiding myself. I stay away from watching sports and drinking beer. I work very hard not to develop a man belly. SMILE ! and when your smile wears out, find another way to smile. Stand erect, and I do not mean your man meat. Throw your shoulders back. Don't furrow your brows. Don't tell male ego booster stories. Girls don't try to outdo the first liar, like men.
I've been extremely fortunate. If you smoke or drink, STOP IT ! You will have to work very hard to be half as feminine as a GG, but it can be done and those things just make it harder. You can't do some of the tomboyish things that girls do, because they are gifted with loose knees, limp wrists, better rang of motion, and a pelvic tilt of 100+ degrees where ours is 90 or less degrees. So, you have to work very hard to look like a woman. And, yes Andrej Pejic walks like a guy. You'll have to do better than him.
Now get to it and stop whining. :) Feel free to PM me if you don't hate me by now.
Gwendolyn