Lost, confused

"I don't know who or what you are anymore."

It's a line from the movie, "Judge Dredd". Hershey's apartment's been trashed, the whole Judicial system's turned upside down, etc. and she thinks Dredd's a part of it. But it was the most appropriate quote I could think of to properly convey how I feel right now

I've been trying for weeks now to put into words what's been bothering me. It's like my subconscious has been trying to actively keep it just out of reach, but now I think I understand, which is to say, I don't understand... Anything.

Who, what am I? Am I a man living in denial of being a man? The only thing I'm sure of is that with every fiber of my being I do not WANT to be a man.

Yet at the same time, I find myself wishing I were. I wish I could be the man people see when they look at me (Well, some of them. The extra weight and long hair are enough to fool some people) because it would be so much easier, so much less painful.

Sometimes I even wonder if the select few I have let in and told the truth are just humoring me, but I have to remind myself that I can't afford not to trust those people, else I would never have told them in the first place.

It's just... gah. I don't know anymore. I don't want this. I do, but I don't. It seems like the more I think about it, the more it confuses me. I look back at those few times I've been able to proudly declare "Yes, I'm female." and I cringe, and I don't know why. I sure as HELL am not "male", or at least, have the intense perception that I do not wish to be, and I also at least perceive myself as having a strong female leaning, but am I really, or is it just an intense desire to seperate myself from my father?

I've had poor female "role models" in my life too, so I tend toward dismissing that. I've never been a very good "male". That's all I do know.

*sigh*

Anyway, I just needed to vent. My mind keeps returning to something Drea wrote a little while ago, after I joked that when I hit a brick wall in my writing, I turn to Disney for some small inspiration (If you ever wondered why I'm the reigning Queen of Sweetness, it's because I was a Disney brat :-P).

It was a rewriting of "Part of your World" that really made me smile. Going to try and find it now because I could really use the uplifting.

~Zoe

Edit: Found it. I'm a complete fool apparently, and forgot that I favorited it the day she posted it.
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/fiction/20550/wishing-upon-star

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