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A few of you might have caught a glimpse of my earlier blog/rant/vent before I pulled it in regards to family issues.
I decided after posting it that it was just too heated and not within the general "friendly" of the site, so I pulled it though I have a hard-copy for myself because just writing it helped me quite a bit. :-)
Anyway, more to the point of this blog, I talked with the folks earlier, and apparently, I'm the one in the wrong because their constant bickering and yelling is "normal", and "they have an understanding". I hold a grudge too long. Fine, whatever, but I'm tired of listening to it.
Or am I the crazy one who just doesn't get it? Do other married couples argue consecutively ruining every family vacation ever attempted, and then brush it off and pretend it never happened? If that's what love is, I'll take good friends who don't mind an occasional hug any day, thanks.
What I had typed before was raw, gut reaction that should never have been posted here, and for that I apologize. This, though, is just my genuine lack of understanding seeking some sort of insight.
To quote Jen from a recent chapter of Robin, "Friends argue." I realize that no two people will ever agree on everything, lovers quarrel, etc, but there's a limit. Or there should be.
~Zoe
Comments
Ummm
Believe it or not, the biggest argument my wife and I've ever had was over dinner. I was trying to find out what she wanted to do, and she was trying to find out what I wanted to do... Most folks wouldn't have called that an argument, either.
Heck. There've not been any arguments over the pace of my transition (Yeah, I'm probably going slower than I'd like. But, so far, they're with me... And that's important.)
We've been happily married over 29 years. I know many other couples who I've also NEVER seen or heard argue much.
Just to be even handed. I actually have known a few couples that have explosive arguments. The key is that while they yell and scream, they don't make personal cuts at each other. And, as far as I can tell, they get along just fine.
Not judging your situation here. Just describing what I've seen. I hope that whatever problems you're experiencing find resolution.
Anne
Thanks, Anne
I think for me at least, the problem is that I've only ever truly loved one other person in a romantic sense. I was head-over-heels madly in love with her, but when we weren't arguing, she was out sleeping with her college professors, so I don't really have any good personal experience to go on even in my own love life.
That said though, it is possible I am, and have been in the wrong here, that they do "undestand each other", and they just like to argue, which is fine if they limit it to themselves and not turn it on me (as happened today). Maybe I need to just make them realize that I'm not part of their understanding, and to leave me the heck out of it. :-)
Thanks though. I do feel a bit better, and I hope the worst I ever argue with a partner about is dinner :-D
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It Depends On The Couple
Some couples do have huge arguments about the smallest things, and yet remain "happily" married for years. I agree with you, though, I don't understand it in the least -- after all, if you can't get along with someone, why marry them?
Then again, there really are people in the world who just love arguing. Yelling, screaming, waving their arms wildly; lord help me, some people find that FUN, and they can never understand that others might not feel the way. I know several people like that, but if you mention to them that it bothers you that will just cause them to do it even more trying to defend it as just "debating" their point. Well, in my personal opinion "debating" consists of at least a marginal amount of point-counterpoint with an exchange of understanding, not yelling at one party without listening until they start crying or are so frustrated they simply leave to get away from you, letting you "win" the argument.
Sorry, where was I?
Anyhow, for them, perhaps, it is normal. That doesn't mean you have to feel any more comfortable with it, though. Do they know how you feel about their arguing? If they do, and it still happens, there are two possible reasons -- either they can't help it, in which case they do need help to calm themselves in those kinds of situations, or they don't care, which if they're your parents I desperately hope is not the reason, because there is very little you can do about someone who does not care about how something makes you feel.
And don't worry too much about posting gut-wrench reactions here. We're here to help, and in order to help we need to know what the problem is to start with, and that requires communication. Trust me, I've probably posted blogs and such here that most people would find INCREDIBLY whiny and drama filled. But you know what? Every time, there was someone here to talk to that could help.
Melanie E.
Crazy? Nope.
You're not crazy Zoe at least from my viewpoint. I also can't remember a single family event/holiday that didn't have at least one arguement between my folks in it - ranging from the embarassingly trivial to the 'omg they are going to divorce' bad. You'd have thought after forty years of marriage one of them would have won the arguement by now! Still, I can't change them only that which I can control and no way would I want that kind of relationship. Maybe I just hold onto a romantic ideal but I don't think that is what love is for me. So I don't think you are alone in that view.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Family issues
There's a saying, "No one can hurt you like the ones you love." When you are home, in your "comfort zone", many people tend to let down their guard, and the do things that they would never do in the "real world". Mix all this together, and you have the recipe for arguments and conflicts that would NEVER happen anywhere but at home.
We have 5 teenagers, or near teen-agers, 3 Boys, 2 girls. It can be a madhouse here, but everywhere else, people comment on how good my step kids are. And really, they are! They are generous, compassionate, caring and responsible kids-anywhere but at home. I think this is normal, unfortunately. And yes, it has taken me a while to get used to it.
You commented on "holding a grudge". In my experience, that is never a good idea. Relax, try to understand the interaction and appreciate the idea that all of the conflicts at home are really just a strange expression of that amazing, loving thing we call "Home".
Wren
Zoe, I've been married for
Zoe, I've been married for more than 34 years (to the same woman) and we've never had an argument 'in public'. Yes, we've had our moments, but no, we've never involved any other people (including our children) in an argument and we've always settled our differences without screaming, yelling, or hitting. Lots of talking sometimes, and sometimes a few hours of frigid silence, but always with the understanding that it's nobody else's business and we 'will' work it out somehow. I know, I'm not really 'manly', but I'd rather hug and cuddle instead.
We're much more likely to embarrass our children with excessive hugging...
Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue
You may be right...(With apologies to Billy Joel)
Yesterday we had a party...
Where both my brothers said they're sorry
for failing to communicate again.
You know they really want to care
They're so scared but they just don't dare;
I've gotten more attention here from friends!
They've forgotten how to talk, you see;
They don't know how to relate to me.
They talk instead of sports and tell bad jokes.
The abuse scares them away;
They can't face it either way.
So I get all my support from all you folks!
{Refrain}
You may be right, it's just like family
Where you can't get the support that you are looking for!
You know we don't fight. I know it's crazy;
But we still have same old problems that you do!
Now I can't tell them about this site
'cause that might cause a great big fright;
God forbid they'd find out about this side of me.
Just knowing all about the abuse;
I've tried to reach out but it's been no use.
So imagine how they'd act if they knew me!
We talk when we all get together;
About the cars, the yard, the weather.
Anything except the hurts and pain.
They can't open up to me;
The pain's too much to bear, you see.
So it's back good old triviality.
{Refrain}
You may be right, it's just like family,
Where you can't get the support that you are looking for!
You know we don't fight. I know it's crazy;
But we still have same old problems that you do!
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
Amen!
Well said!
Wren