Another trip to the Buffalo VA hospital yesterday wore me out. However... I finally have a surgery date. May 17th. What I am suffering from, initially diagnosed as a hernia has now been re-diagnosed as an internal cyst. Basically it's a swelling in my groin area. There is very little pain involved, but it scared the hell out of me when it first appeared, as I covered in my first couple of blogs about this.

Anyway, since it involves surgery under a general anaesthetic, I have to take someone with me to act on my behalf if anything untoward happens during or after the surgery. I don't anticipate anything bad to happen, and neither do the doctors and surgeon, but it's required... in case.

So. In case something DOES happen, I want to say a couple of things.

First: The time I have spent on the internet, writing stories, interacting with so many of you, has been wonderful. The thought of so many people of a like mind, with such compassion, understanding and support was completely beyond my understanding when I first found the internet. All of you have enriched my life and I need to tell all of you how much I appreciate all that you've done for me, collectively and individually. I hope, along the way, that I've helped some of you, as you have helped me.

Second: My Stories. For what it's worth and should anything happen and I am unable to retain control of them, I grant possession and full rights to them, to Erin, Joyce Melton. This includes any and all rights pertaining to my Book, "Headlights Girl", and all profits from it. I give to Joyce free rein to post, re-post and use any and all of my stories for whatever purposes she decides to use them for. I do want The Home That Love Built universe to continue, with Joyce, Holly Happy Hart and Grover to be the caretakers/proofers/editors of any and all stories written by whoever writes them before they get posted.

Again, SHOULD anything happen, I want and hope that, if any of you remember me at all, you remember the good times. The hope you all gave me in my quest to travel the TS trail. The wonderful time I had at the Southern Comfort Conference, and the joy I received at knowing that I not only COULD write, but so many of you enjoyed what I wrote. My love for all of you knows no bounds. All of you, readers, commenters, proofreaders, editors, voters fans and critics, gave me confidence in myself and in my ability to write and entertain you.

Please don't let my dream die. The Home That Love Built is something that SHOULD be real and I hope, if one of you wins a big lottery, that you will begin and build such a place. It's SO desperately needed by so many, and it would honor not only my vision, but that of many others.

Regrets? Oh yes. I have many. I regret that, if something goes wrong with my surgery or after, I lose my chance at SRS. I lose my chance to meet so many of you that I will never meet. I regret not planning for a future. I will miss all of you who have become my "family of choice." I will miss rejoicing with you at your successes, and crying with you at your failures and insecurities. I hope that if you remember me at all, that you will remember me as someone who wanted SO much to help, and never felt like she did enough for others. I hope and pray that every one of you will realize your dreams and hopes.

Look. I do NOT anticipate anything going wrong, during or after my surgery. It's pretty much routine stuff, but we all know that shit DOES happen, and I do suffer from COPD, which doesn't render me a prime candidate for general anaesthesia. However, I would not want to "go" without expressing all that I have written in this post. So many others have left us without so much as a word and we never knew their thoughts or feelings about us.

Curiously, I'm not concerned by the possibility that I won't survive surgery. I've lived quite awhile and I've done some things I never dreamed I would have done. I've made friends, helped some people, been given an opportunity to entertain some people and realized a dream, that of being a published writer. I'm willing to take whatever risks that surgery implies and I accept that things can go wrong, even with the most routine of procedures, but it's better to be prepared than it is to become unable to express my love and respect for you all.

I will mention only a few who have special places in my heart. Holly Happy Hart, for all you did for me. Grover and Paula for all you mean to me. Joyce/Erin, for all the help you gave me. Jill M, for your encouragement. Pippa, for all the great times we had in the chats. Tyrone, for your sense of humor and your incredible storytelling skills. Prue Walker, for being there for me when I first started, for your encouragement, and friendship. Khadijahgwen, for showing me the kind of courage I wish I had. Scotty, for just being you.

Finally: To a certain someone who knows who she is. I don't have to name her. You opened my closed heart and made me happy. You showed me that I COULD be loved by someone so special as yourself, and you helped me understand that love has to be for both, not just one. You filled my heart with hope and opened my eyes to possibilities I had dismissed as not being for me. God willing, my search will go on and, someday, maybe, I'll find someone who can make me feel the way you did, and I hope and pray that you will find your Prince. Even though we can't be together, I will always cherish the time we did have as a time of hopes and dreams for the future. I loved you then... I love you now... I will always love you, my dear, dear friend.

There are really way too many of you to mention, but rest assured that I do love you all. God willing, my surgery will go just fine and I will be able to return afterwards with no lasting problems. This post is just a "just in case" kind of thing. With any kind of luck at all, I'll be back after March 17th, to write more stories, to continue The Home That Love Built universe, and to make more friends among you.

Wish me luck?

Hugs and all my love,
Catherine Linda Michel (Cathy_t_/Cathilynn)