First of all, don't be fooled into thinking that everyone who has clicked on your story has read more than the first few lines - but more on that below. At the time of writing, you have 38 votes and 3 comments. A recent blog gave ratios of 8 or 9:1 for the vote to comment ratio. Yours is almost 13, but so what?

Comments seem to fall into three categories:

1. The first is one that every reader likes to give and authors love to receive: unmitigated praise.
2. The second are the queries, and general comments about the story. Sometimes, other readers then comment on the comments and the so-called comments on the story actually turn into a discussion, often generating a lot in numbers but of doubtful value as a comment on the story.
3. The third category is criticism, which the perceived wisdom on this site says is good to have, but to me is often a deterrent to many authors, so is generally better left unsaid.

So my philosophy is that comments are over-rated, but since you've positively asked for them, here goes:

The story itself has a good base to it although I thought the legal issue was glossed over too glibly. You need a stronger way around breaking the law.

The problem is that once an author goes beyond writing for their own benefit and wants to attract readers, they have to start considering it as a marketing exercise. What attracts readers and what turns them off?

Appearance and first impressions are incredibly important. Your first sentence has to attract the reader, smack them in the face and make them want to read the rest of the paragraph. The first few paragraphs have to make the reader committed to reading the whole story.

I actually found the layout at the start of your story confusing. Was it a synopsis? Presumably so, but that should have been in the header with the sentence ending "fit perfectly". I assumed the story started with the FOOLISHNESS heading, but by now you may already have lost some readers!

Going on from there, your first sentence is quite good but the capitalisation made it seem strange and wondering about that made it lose some of its impact.

I know that in the next few paragraphs you are making everything revolve around the "Foolish" word, but it didn't pique my curiosity sufficient to make me read on. I think it was there where I abandoned the story when I first attempted it, a few days ago.

Now that I have picked it up again, I have read a little more and skimmed a lot. The next problem is one that most authors on BC seem to exhibit - putting boring background information in long paragraphs near the beginning. Do I care whether you have a BFA and weigh 150 pounds? Does that make your story seem interesting or boring? If this information is needed later, then put it in at the time, but don't bore readers right at the start, and only feed in as much background as is absolutely essential.

Now, as one gets more and more into the story, so everything improves. There are still a few long paragraphs, but as your story moves forward, it takes on a real life. So I think that if you hadn't turned off many readers right at the start, and hadn't bored many others with your background details, you'd have got many more votes and good comments.

One final message. Put your work aside of one or two months then return and read it in the same way as your readers will, without preconceptions. It's amazing how much benefit that will bring to your work.

and Good Luck