I've been a member for over a year now, and I have written very little. I do love reading many of the stories. However, lately, I haven't had much time to write, as I am in my first semester of nursing school.

I am 45 years old, born male. I have been married 20 years and have three sons.

I had never told another person that I wanted to be a female,...until about three years ago. Feelings that I wanted to be a girl and secretly cross-dressing were perversions. However, during my Introduction to Psychology class, we were given an assignment to write about an aspect of our childhood which has had an impact on our life. I really wanted an "A" in the class, but dare I write about a secret I never told to anyone? In the end, I decided that no one else would ever see the paper. My disclosure would remain a secret from all but my instructor, and it might feel good to actually tell someone. So, I wrote about my childhood experiences of cross-dressing and desires to be a girl, as well as what I thought might be the cause.

My teacher was astonished. She asked to speak with me after class. Of course, I was frightened. I was afraid I might be dismissed from the class, reported as a pervert, forbidden to go on to nursing school. Instead, she was supportive and kind. She explained that there is a widely growing belief that gender identity evolves independent of physical sex. She told me about the differentiated brain. I read all that I could about it. So much of it made sense,...but I also understood that I did not feel like a female. No,...I feel like a male,...but I clearly hate being a male. What I did realize was that for what ever reason I wanted to be a girl and wear girl's clothing,....it was not so much of a perversion as it was a natural occurrence. (I did get my "A".)

I soon began to embrace the femininity that I felt, rather than forcing it down. I let my wife know about how I felt with the unfortunate strategy of allowing her to see me wearing my new panties. Understandably, she was extremely angry, hurt and confused. We agreed that I would seek therapy. Since then, she is accepting of some of my cross-dressing (the panties only). Otherwise, I keep it all hidden and secret,....but I so what to be open about it.

Therapy has been helpful. My childhood, which I considered "normal" was horrible. I now understand that it was not normal, but abusive and traumatic. I have been formally diagnosed with PTSD and BPD, as well as depression.

At the age of 4, I wore my sister's clothes for the first time. I had been punished for something and sent to my room. While I listened to the other children's laughter, I found comfort in dressing as my sister. Yet, I was discovered, and beaten for it.

By age 9 or 10, I was secretly wearing my mother's clothing when she wasn't home. In the mornings, I would be home alone while she and my step father went off to work. One of my fondest memories was plugging her curling iron back in while it was still warm, and curling my hair in such a pretty way. Then, I'd put on a little make-up and walk to school.

By age 13, I was stealing panties form department stores.

When I was 17, I bought my own clothes for the first time at a girl's clothing store. I even asked to try them on. I wore them to school as often as they were clean.

In my early adult years, I began to suppress how I felt, trying to escape it all in favour of Christianity. Yet, one could easily tell that I wasn't a very macho kind of guy. I liked to shower with floral scented soaps, subscribed to Victoria magazine, had no love for sports, cars, mechanics, etc. In fact, I love art, gymnastics, figure skating, etc...

My theories about why I feel as I do were mostly correct.

At age 13, my 11-year-old sister committed suicide by shooting herself in the head. I never understood why, but know that she was sexually active by age 10. I refused to cry about it and insisted upon attending school the next day. that should have raised some sort of red flag as to my mental status.

In later years, I would learn from my other sister that both she and my brother were sexually abused by their father. While I do not have any recollection of sexual abuse, and have no proof as to any abuse experienced by my sister who is deceased, it is likely that we were abused as well. I come to this conclusion from deduction.
1. As sister sexually active by 10 kills herself at age 11.
2. Another sister recalls sexual abuse, and lived an adolescence of sexual promiscuity and drug abuse.
3. A brother who was abused, abused his sister,...then sexually abused his two daughters for 10 years until caught.
4. My hatred of being a male and desire to be a female.

(I will continue later,...must go to be with family now.)