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So I've made my decisions and now that it is time to begin implementing them, I'm really quite scared, much more so than I had hoped or thought I might be. I look at myself and think I really must be quite the coward, to have pushed myself to almost dying just because I couldn't stand the thought of losing love, when that isn't even a certainty. I mean, I'm truthfully not changing from the person he fell in love with, I've been the same way the whole time.
I just wish I could make him understand that. I'm not blaming him for making me unhappy, or for the many ways in which I have not fulfilled my own potential. I can't, no one has done those things to me except myself. I chose to retreat and suppress myself because I was afraid. I'm no longer just afraid, I'm scared shitless and I doubt my own decisions.
Nonetheless, I have made those decisions and I will carry them out(I think). Even being never more than halfway to me is better than never taking the first steps. He's 20 years my senior and never in the best of health, so I know I will die alone someday, an old woman.
The thing is, I'd rather die(on some hopefully very far off day)as an old woman who had the priceless gift of love for maybe half or a bit better(If I'm very lucky)of her century on this earth. I'd rather it be that way than as an embittered old man. That frightens me even more than not making movement and continuing things as they have been.
It is a very odd state of mind to be in. One the one hand, I'm elated and on the other completely crushed. I would say I'm numb, but that definitely isn't the case. I guess the best way I can say it is that I have such emotional extremes going on within me that I have reached a sort of Zen-state between them. It's the opposite of numbness. I can't decide from one moment to the next whether the tears streaming down my face are sadness or joy, and I honestly don't care.
The very simple fact that I can let them flow after so long is enough.
Comments
Change is frightening
It is aways frightening, the unimaginable horrors we face, we create non-existant demons to keep us where we feel safe, and the pain we endure in that safety is justified (so we tell ourselves). You have not been a happy fulfilled person for a long time Theide and as long as you remain where you are that will be how it is. I won't tell you the future will be without pain, loneliness, rejection and a whole lot of new forms of pain you cannot imagine but it seems the constant denial of the woman you are over the years has to be the most painful and debilitating form of torture. I believe most of those who have transitioned can say they lost everything to gain their true selves.
What form of "love" knowingly denies you happiness and fulfillment while selfishly ensuring service and obediance? Thats not love Theide, thats enslavement.
Half true
I have managed to be happy and fulfilled in many ways, just not that one very important way. He didn't enslave me, he was himself frightened. We clung together in our fear. We clung together out of love.
We both brought major baggage. I came in as a waif who needed loving so badly, so wounded. he was older and very kind and gentle with me and so wounded himself and needing loving so badly as well. We saved each other's lives.
How badly did I cheat him? How long did I deprive him of himself, his identity, his true needs for my own selfishness? It ain't even distinguishable shades of grey, much less black and white.
I can only hope that we can both grow and learn instead of destroying each other even further.
Your description sounds a
Your description sounds a lot like how I felt after I found out about transitioning. My tear ducts got such a workout! ;)
I hope everything works out wonderfully for you. Good luck!
SalessÂ
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
*hugs*!
Let them come out. That's the bad feelings, being squeezed out, so there's space for good ones.
-Liz
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"