I have a fairly major problem. I'm stuck in a situation I don't know how to solve. I've spent 20 years trying to be the male my husband wants me to be, demands me to be. I've come to the point where I can't stand it anymore and I don't know what to do. He has never even let me dress up in the house, apart from anyone else, because he is so against me even trying to look female. I've come to a point of crisis where I just can't deal with it anymore, I have to try to be myself and the only thing I get from him is telling me that I will never work again, that he hates women, and that he will throw me away if I try to be who I am.
The problem is that I am in love with him and have been for 20 years now. I might not even pass all that well(I don't know that answer, never really had a chance to try). I want desperately to be who I am instead of who he wants me to be. I don't want to give up my love of life, but he will never truly accept me. In point of fact, he hates females and has said that if I even take the first step in that direction he will throw me away.
I feel like I have no options. I can either live with being hated, or I can try to be myself and die in the street.
Right now I'm leaning toward suicide.
Comments
Be Yourself
if your husband cannot accept the real you, you are better off without him. He has to accept YOU! The real YOU. So go for it, be you, if he is an ass, ditch him and soak him for all he is worth. If he is understanding at all he may need a time period to accept you. So try it and see. We will be here to help if need be.
Sephrena Lynn Miller
Admin BigCloset TopShelf
& TGLibrary.com
Very good advice
He has to accept YOU! The real YOU.
If he can't accept the real you, then he is not in love with you. He's in love with his idea of who you ought to be.
Ray
Always a good idea
The first advice Dear Abby and Ann Landers always gives in a situation like this is seeing a good couples counselor. In addition, you should consider seeing a professional mental health specialist on your own. There is a cliche about gays vs TS/TG people, but that isn't always valid. Talking with a professional counselor may make the difference. Don't do anything rash. We are all going to die eventually, no need to rush.
KJT
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
You MUST Do Something
You must do something, but suicide is not an option. Yet, your situation cannot stay the same. First, I recomend what Karen J reccomend. If he doesn't budge with his demands you need to decide if the Hell you are going through is worth staying. In fact, you need to let him know the situation is putting you through Hell. I hope the two of you can work things out. I am going to private you with additional advice and possibly let you see an unfinished story that is related to your situation.
I wish you the best solving this problem.
hugs
Shelly
Live!!
Your husband already says he hates females and from what you are saying that you are female on the inside. Based on that then he already hates you so leave him and take him to court for what he is worth. Your life is worth much more by being your "true" self then suffering. I am working on how to come out to my own my mother and family. So many of us know what you are going through and we are glad to be a new family for you here.
Hugs,
Jenna From FL
Hugs,
Jenna From FL
Moderator/Editor
TopShelf BigCloset
It is a long road ahead but I will finally become who I should be.
How can he hate females
Does he hate all women as species? Or does he just not like them romantically? If he has a problem with women as a whole, then he should see someone about THAT!
As for yourself, love shouldn't be conditional (although it often is). If the REAL you is a woman, you won't be happy unless you give it a go. You should also be in counseling with a gender specialist, and perhaps couples counseling is in order as well. If he truly values you and your marriage, then he should be willing to work WITH you and not just threaten you.
Hugs
Frank
Not qualified to offer advice but ...
death takes away all options.
Get family counseling, see a mental health professional, even seek legal help if need be. Don't take this on alone. If the relationship can be saved, wonderful, if not so be it. YOU must come first, your health and well being, or you will be of no use to him or any other.
Best of luck and in any case do not put up with abuse. He has the right to disagree with you, if it turns to threats or violence that is unacceptable and against the law.
Best of luck and hang in there.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
Find Help
I'm no expert at this, but it seems there might be several better places to seek this kind of advice than on a chatboard. You've reduced your life to about two hundred words when it is obviously much more complex than that.
You need to thoroughly discuss this with someone who is trained to help you.
You're almost assured to get a biased opinion when you ask a chatboard on a transgendered fiction website whther or not you should take the steps to explore your true gender nature.
I'm only guessing, but I would place a sizeable wager the two options you've stated aren't all that are available to you.
You sound over-tired and horribly stressed. You certainly don't sound like someone who should currently be making big decisions without a strong advocate in your corner to help you realize what life has to offer.
About twenty years ago I had four major problems that I knew I couldn't overcome. Life didn't feel worth living. Within just three months all four problems had been solved. Life hasn't been perfect for me, but it's been pretty darned good.
Get some rest. Find someone who can help you. Know all your options before you make any decisions.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
What they said
Hey stay with us. Karen and others have given excellent advice. Please seek help. As long as you're living things can change. Get help. Make plain to him that you are in distress and need help. If he truly cares he will help. What happens then is up to him. Passing is an important aspect for us all, but truly it is what one feels inside that matters the most. I know I don't pass well, but the comfort I get from my "girl time" is without measure.
Be honest with him. Get help, but above all be true to yourself.
Hugs!
grover
PS: We are here for you! :)
Have already Talked with Theide
and offered some encouragement and ideas and yes she will be seeking out some help and think about her life situation. But i got suicide out of her head.
Sephrena Lynn Miller
Admin BigCloset TopShelf
& TGLibrary.com
Thank you all very much
Thank you all very much for the emotions and help and offers of support. I can't say how much it means to me. I think this is just something I'm going to have to hammer out for myself. To be honest, I feel a little guilty for loading my shit on yawl.
On the other hand, I'm still in the midst of this quandary and the cry for help and advice was and is quite genuine. I'm still left in the emotional pit of despair and I still don't know what to do about it, but at least it is a familiar pit.
This is, I suspect, an issue I will not be able to resolve as long as my husband is alive, and I did swear till death do us part over 20 years ago. I swore an oath, and I will not forsake my love, no matter if it costs me everything I am.
That truth hurts, a lot. In fact, it breaks my heart.
What hurts even more is that I have been so self destructive in my life for the past few years, being a serious alcoholic (to the tune of killing 1/2 gallon of vodka every 2 days) in order to run away from my feelings and killing my business in the process. I'm kicking myself for flubbing my one decent chance at success in the business world, and I now have to admit that I did not really want to become a success as a male in business because I wanted to become as success as a woman and if I was too well known as a male(its a small town), too many people would know me. In that way, I sabotaged myself.
So in truth, I can't really blame hubby for my predicament, it is of my own making. I also have to say that I cannot blame him, I did agree at the start of our relationship that I would try my best to be his male lover. That I find myself unable to stick to that promise is no fault of his, however much his insistence on my being male might hurt me.
My shame is, that I love him with all my heart, yet I cause him pain by not being the man he wants me to be and I will not abandon him, no matter how much it hurts. That is also my pride.
I made a promise, and I will keep it.
You Need To Find
A new home, then move out and become who you are. If he can't stand the new you, I ask you to seek counselling
He needs it too. His hatred of women is irrational.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Please Live
There's a lot of good advice here so I'll just say that you have too much to offer to throw it all away. You're a talented writer and you seem to be a loving human being. Please stay with us.
Warm, loving hug
- Terry
P.S. If your husband hates women, and you're truly a woman as you say, then I urge you to reconsider staying with him, especially if he won't accept getting some counseling.
Thanks
I will say this, even though I am still crying buckets right now, I don't think I'm going to do anything rash. I wish my sister was awake so I could talk to her right now. I took my grief out in writing a short story which I hope expresses how I feel.
Thank you so much for your concern and your kind words.
A short comment
Hello Theide,
I am glad that you have chosen to fight the conditions. I was helped in a situation somewhat similar to your. But today I would like to tell about a pair of my friends. They lived not far from me and had a social relationship as Partnership (with almost all rights as married persons have). But as one of then wanted to transition /M t F/ they had to breakthat binding officially. After the operation they could marry again , now as men and woman. But the male part of the couple once told me that he had some difficulty with accepting the genderchange. Now 5 years later they live happily together. So it is just a case of accepting that the world is not that two-sided as we might have thought earlier.
I wish you all luck in your efforts to be the person you feel you are.
Your Ginnie
GinnieG
Be yourself!
Everyone has given great advice, the only thing I can add is be yourself! It's the most important thing. A healthy, happy person is much more use to themselves and everyone around them than someone who is miserable. I know it can seem selfish, but it is the best thing for everyone.
Good luck, and feel better!
Saless
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
"But it is also tradition that times *must* and always do change, my friend." - Eddie Murphy, Coming To America
DTMFA
That's what I think Dan Savage, the sex/love advice expert would tell you. You deserve to live your life, and while it will be painful and disruptive to dump a long-term partner and rebuild your life from scratch, there's no time like the present. This partner of yours has known all along who you are, and like a selfish emotional leech has taken the part he wanted and rejected the rest of you. Well, it doesn't work like that. It shouldn't work like that.
There's not much point in couples counseling. He's been using emotional blackmail to get what he wants. Just leave. Do it when he's not home and can't abuse you or make false, manipulative promises. Get a couple of friends to help you get your stuff together, and just go. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be harder and more debilitating to stay over the long term.
Politely disagree
Theide should go to see a couples counselor if one is available, by herself if her partner will not go. A good counselor can help, even saying "Look, this is not working for you, you need to get out". If her partner refuses to go, then that says a lot about the situation. Couples counselors have access to resources Theide might just need, like a safehouse or shelter.
Going to see a mental health professional for herself can also help resolve the feelings she has and help her determine what to do next.
Theide: there are resources available if you reach out. Suicide and crisis/abuse hotlines are available in most areas. Look up the numbers and save them. You might need them in a hurry some day.
m
They know they can survive
Good Points
Good points, all of them!
Soul killing
One of the most soul killing things that you can do to yourself is to pretend to be something that you are not in order to gain acceptance. In doing that, you are denying the real you, and you are treating the real you as worthless.
I was always told that you are better as an original of you than you are as a copy of anyone else in the world. That idea applies here, too.
Ray Drouillard
A Relationship
A relationship is not a real partnership if one partner does not respect and love the other for their own dreams and desires. Your husband is not being fair to you by forcing you to be what you know in your heart you aren't. Be true to yourself. I tried for many years to be what everyone else wanted and expected. I was so depressed that I had to make a decision . Do I continue to make others happy and stay miserable or do I be true to myself? You deserve to be happy too. Your husband has a serious problem if he hates women so much. He needs counseling to address this issue. Your self worth as a person is a precious thing that should be cherished and protected. I know that you love him, but your needs and desires deserve to be important in the marriage too. You are worth it!
Hugs,
Jen