AITA for refusing to give my trans daughter a family heirloom? : AmItheAsshole (reddit.com)

As I have done a couple times before, when I have read something, especially something I am unable to comment to directly. That which I feel fits more into our specific issues, I have no other choice but to address it, particularily where the terfs and trolls cannot reach it, essentially.

The fact is, that this is technically a situation where neither gets truly a happy ending, unless the ‘winner’ is a severe narccist.

It is obvious to myself that the necklace is deffinitelly an inheritance, that resembles not only the family but it also represents being the matriarch of their siblings, and hence in and of itself female.

Your Cisgender Daughter is by all means completely female yes & would never really have her sex and or gender questioned or even debated, unlike your Trans Daughter whom will more or less always have to deal with this.

Your Cisgender Daughter has been promised the necklace for obviously who knows how long & yourself has planned it even longer.

The necklace goes to the eldest daughter, technically now Trans Daughter is the eldest daughter & perhaps I am being bias, needs that more validation to that fact then Cisgender Daughter does.

I do not doubt for a second that Trans Daughter would remove herself from the line of this inheritance, if say Cisgender Daughter agreed to give every ounce of herself that makes her female. Yes she would have the necklace, it would symbolise her femininity, but like Trans Daughter it would also invalidate you being female & it most deffinitelly would not be the last thing after that.

The resentment alone now, is likely to build. Cisgender Daughter would otherwise loose the necklace, but if Trans Daughter is not rightfully awarded it, you are invalidating her as a daughter, that you claim to accept as your daughter.

The very thing you and your daughter, likely gripe about that is strictly female, Trans Daughter like most of the rest of us, would give anything for.

Trans Daughter is reminded that she will not be able to carry and birth a child, especially when around a baby, or another pregnant relative etc, maybe a babyshower, where she is treated as a mere tag along or 5th wheel sort.

Everytime you or your other daughter, menstruate, Trans Daughter is going to be green with envy, because she knows the likelyhood of her ever having that gift that you and her likley call ‘the curse’ is next to impossible.

If an inheritance comes for the first born male, she will likely refuse it, no Cisgender Soner what it is, or be refused it on the basis of being trans and or a girl now.

Does she need to experience a sense of misogony, that this act of denying her would represent.... no she will have to deal with that and far worse the rest of her life.

That necklace would not only symbolise your true acceptance of her, but it would help solidify Cisgender Daughter’s acceptance as well & validate her femininity.

This actually although it may seem a bit ‘entitled’ but, although in some sense it is, the neccessity of this validation to a challengable inheritance, is not, not really.

You and your daughter will never know what it is like, to have such a simple but important part of yourself invalidated on a near consistant basis.

Though due to the meltdown that occured, the necklace itself is essentially cursed, if either sister owns it let alone wears it, there will be a great deal of resentment towards the two, and even yourself.

You may have been or shown to be 100% accepting of her, but this act unfortunitelly is gonna put that back, and likely will not be able to be reraised as it once was. Trans Daughter is likely to be less forthcoming on her issues, less invloved with you and her sister, isolate herself from all of you,

Cisgender Daughter herself may very well have really dug herself in it. Not everyone is me, I know I hold gruges, resntment, bitterness and anger especially over an invalidation like this would sit and build.

It is possible things are not going to be as they had been.

Inheritance can often be extremly conflicting, it raises tensions, splits families and the like all the time, mainly if the divisions are unequal & or being based on favouritism. If that inheritance is like this where the current recipient passes along to the next ricipient then it could get worse, you have an active person to put allot of the resentment and bitterness towards even more so. Like all children being ‘the favourite’ is an ongoing war between siblings & something like this would lay on the line.

Now yes, some could essentially claim that Trans Daughter is now the younger sister, because she has not been living as a girl as long as you and your daughter, so it essentially a ‘new girl’ in many peoples persepectives.

You claimed to have offered to buy Trans Daughter a necklace of equal value. Exactly how sincere are you about that? In order to truly own up to that, first you would have to get the necklace appraised. Given it is an antique a few generations old.... I would put the value by age alone to be in the late hundreds or thousands at the very least. Sentimental value even more so. In some ways I can see and or understand how Cisgender Daughter views it with a sentimental attachment to, she has been promised it for a long time.

Now yes, I guess there is the possibility of changing the inheritance to be the girl’s eldest daughter, meaning skip both of them, which means too it could even go to Cisgender Son for ‘safe keeping’ and who knows if he would even hold on to it as he should then and not pawn it or give it to a girlfriend or something. Not to mention then there would be a fourth person in the ring of resentment.

Reworking it into two pieces, particularily conjoining, like a half heart that connects to the others. It might work, but also might not. As the fact of it is the tradtion, and now especially for Trans Daughter, the validation. They are both at an age where forcing the two to reconcile, will not mean anything & won’t work.

Given the outburst, I do not doubt that Cisgender Daughter will use this inheritance to ward it over her sister, for some time to come.

Much like a inherited ring, thats been through a divorce, most would not want to reuse it, because of that fact, the emotional curse of an object. It may have given light of plenty before but now there is a shadow of bitterness over it.

Truthfully... I do not see any outcome coming to resembles a disney ending.

I think all parents have to deal with a crossroads like this with their kids.

Maybe give them the choice of inheritence; the necklace on 18th birthday, or your remaining jewelery when you pass away?

Or.... sell it and donate the proceeds to a trans friendly femininst charity in your daughters names. It resembles both situations that have arose & could be the building block needed to solve this issue, while teaching both girls a bit of humility & charity. Not everyone is lucky enough, to even have an heirloom like at all, in most cases if anything the next of kin may inherit the unwilled remaining sum of the deceasts bank account, that may only have a couple bucks in it.

So really, its an apple sitting on the head next to an archery target waiting for the inevitable to occur when the shooter is not wearing their needed bifocals.

Wish I could give better hope, but with a situation like there the only hope, is that this does not split your family apart, particularily your girls.