You know, there's a lot of things about me that I like, and there's a lot of things about me that I dislike. Then, there's the things about me that I'm not sure how I feel about, and to be honest, my natural femininity is one of them.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a girl and proud of it, but I can't help this nagging feeling of frustration that comes from not being able to pass- as a guy, apparently. I haven't started hormones yet, I'm not 'technically' living my life as a woman yet, and I don't dress or act all that feminine, at least I don't think so, but it's still weird.
For instance, about a month and a half ago, picture this- I hadn't shaved in like a week, I had my unwashed hair pulled back in a ponytail, and I was sick as a dog. My face was pale, eyes swollen, voice nearly gone, I was a total wreck, and wearing some extremely baggy guy's jeans and a huge hoodie. I was standing in line at the video store waiting to purchase a copy of 'And Now For Something Completely Different' I'd managed to find on DVD when I heard from behind me a conversation that went like this:
"Dude, she's kinda cute."
"Man, you're stupid- that's a dude."
"Serious? No way."
"I think so, man. Fuck, I 'm not sure."
"Wanna ask?"
"Fuck no!"
I kid you not. My friend Nathan thought it was hilarious and started laughing, which I think is why they left the line behind us. I know they were talking about me for two reasons. One, besides them me and Nathan were the only other two people in the store, and two, Nathan is six one with a goatee and really short hair- it is highly doubtful they were that blind.
This bothers me because not only was I not trying to 'pass', or even look androgynous, but I know I was probably at about the most masculine I'm capable of being. Now physically I'm no paragon of masculinity- I'm five eight with an honest to goodness 34-28-34 figure and an 'A' without padding= but neither am I really exceedingly feminine. Okay, so even sick I've never been called 'sir' on the phone- heck, I don't know how many times answering the phones at work I've been hit on by guys who thought my voice was 'sexy' (and trust me, you get some perverts calling hotels)- but you'd think that up close and personal people would notice something like 'hey,, that brow ridge is a bit too pronounced for a woman' or 'they really need to thin those eyebrows a bit- wait, never mind', you know something like that. Sure, most of tmy clothes are women's, but it's not like I'm walking around in a skirt and fuck-me pumps, just jeans- which I usually have to get in the women's section 'cause of my hips anyways- and tee shirts almost every day, either that or a really baggy button down shirt (which okay I'll admit makes me look like I just spent the night at my boyfriend's and had no extra clothes.) I don't even wear makeup most days. Hell, my work uniform is a white dress shirt and tie and I STILL get 'ma'am' at least half the time. This was kinda excusable since up until about a four months ago I was the only 'male' working front desk at the hotel, but with the three guys we just hired it should happen less. Instead, it seems to happen more.
Wanna know what the scariest part is, though? I'm a pedestrian- that's right, no car. You would not BELIEVE how many times I've been hit on on the way home and offered money for sex. This is admittedly not necessarily due to my femininity, but when a guy follows you for a block staring at your ass and saying "Damn, girl, just as sexy as ever," over and over, I think tit's a safe assumption. The calls of 'Hey Chica' from car windows is a decent clue as well. I live in a better area now, so it isn't as bad, but some nights I'm still scared to walk home alone.
I think this is probably one of the reasons I like the stories I do. I tend to prefer stories where the character starts out reluctant and eventually grows into their femininity because I can identify with them better- I don't feel I was ever offered a choice about whether I wanted to be a girl or not, and because of this I can't identify as well with characters who start out wanting it. I can identify better with Brian from Miss Jessica's 'Bridesmaid' than I can with, say, Lee from 'Leighway'.
My mom for the longest time has wondered if I may have some kind of hormone or chromosome defficiency, but I highly doubt it, nor do I think her musings of me being intersexed have any foundation- I'm 21, by now we'd have noticed something like that I think- but I will admit it's suspicious that if I'm at home too long I start to match hers and my sister's cycle with cramps, and I'll be the first to admit they still come every month whether I'm at home or not,with their accompanying bouts of anemia and iron deficiency, but I think that's mostly just mental (though I'm the only 'male' I know who keeps fat pants around just for that reason." I can never have children no matter how much I may want to yet I suffer pains for them like my mom and sister; I've never taken as much as a birth control pill yet I'm seen as female all the time; I wish I could be normal and happy as a male, yet my entire life my heart, head, and soul have told me I'm a woman. It's kinda depressing in a way, isn't it?
Even in high school I had the same problems. My friend Courtney would always pick on me when I was 'on my period' about how weird I was, and I was actually accused of wearing a bra to school to give me boobs one day in my senior year (ironically enough, the day I was told I was wearing a bra- and consequently 'checked'- was one fot he few days I could actually pass the check in the negative, but I guess that just goes to show.) I've always had a bad habit of slipping into a 'valley girl' accent if I'm not careful despite living in Arkansas my entire life- too much Clueless' as a child I guess- and had my share of nasty nicknames as well, yet even with all this, most of my classmates were fairly nice. Heh, now that I think back on it, even most of my high school friends treated me more like the girl I tended to act like than the 'male' I am. And even elementary school had it's problems, come to think of it. I remember coming home in- was it kindergarten or first grade?- confused and crying 'cause the boy I liked wouldn't be my boyfriend. I was in the third grade when I finally realized I wasn't supposed to have 'boyfriends', and that having friends who were girls was supposed to be 'gross'. I guess I was a slow learner. I finally started trying to play with the boys more, but it really says something when you're playing Power Rangers and always end up being told you're the Pink Ranger.. was I supposed to have a problem with that? Kinberly was always my favorite, but I guess I was supposed to fight it or something. I always was more of a 'Ramona Quimby' fan than 'Gososebumps', too. Hmm, this goes pretty deep, doesn't it? Guess I shoulda suspected something was up when my grammy got on to me for playing 'mommy' with my stuffed animals when I was six, but it didn't really HIT me just how wrong things were until Puberty. THAT was confusing. My body said 'girls are attractive' while my mind said 'you are a girl silly,' and before too long my body I guess agreed enough tho admit it'd rather look like that than have it. Sexual preference flipping twice in two years is confusing, doncha think?
Sorry, I don't know where this was supposed to be going, but I guess just writing it help s me feel better. And hey, now you know more on why I write what I do, so that's good!

Melanie E.