The uncertainty of my job situation is weighing very heavily on my mind, along with ageing issues and concerns about the state of my transition. 6 years of hormones with the last 6 months having been via patches for estradiol, and pills for progesterone, as well as the full 6 years on spironolactone, don't seem to have done much in the way of "developements" or in the evening of my emotions, particularly my temper.

I truly don't know if what's happening to me right now is because of the hormones, or if there is something seriously wrong 'upstairs.

I am sincerely sorry that I caused people any anguish or worry about me. I simply had no control of what was happening to me, and I did think I was losing what I laughingly refer to as my mind. I slept very little last night and was and am exhausted at the present time, however, I will be online for as long as I can be today. I want to reassure my friends that I am sort of okay again, and I don't anticipate a re-run of yesterday.

I also want to reassure everyone that, under NO circumstances, will I EVER consider doing away with myself. Not only would that hurt many people, but I see it as the coward's way out. MY problems would be over, but so many others would be hurt and I can't do that to my friends, family, and co-workers.

I appreciate all the kind words of encouragement that came from many of you. They did help, although it really took my visit this morning to finally begin to calm down and face the situation that exists.

It would take WAY too long to explain what will be happening in my job situation, so I won't try. Suffice it to say that, in three months, at the end of June I will, likely, be unemployed and back on Social Services assistance. That is more demeaning and ego breaking than anything I can imagine. I love my work, and the people I work with. They have all, almost to a man, supported me in my quest to transition, saying "as long as you work the way you do, we don't care what you wear or what you look like."

If, as I fear, I lose the position, another ugly possibility rears it's head...that of losing the place where I live, and have lived for the last almost ten years. Tina, my housemate/landlady/pal is a wonderful person who has helped me more than I can say over the 15 years we have shared a house, but she needs my rent money to help pay HER bills. I don't know if she'd actually kick me out, but I do know that I'd have to do something. What...I don't know. My COPD and age prevent me from taking jobs that require physical exertion, and my psychology will not allow me to take an office job, or one in a factory. THAT would surely drive me 'round the bend'.

Anyway, I DO feel better today, and once again, I owe an apology to some folks who tried to contact me yesterday, but were turned away by a phone that went unanswered, or skype calls which also went unanswered. Thank you all for your concern, and know that I love you very much. Please understand that I simply could NOT talk, since every time I tried, I broke down in tears. Likewise, I couldn't communicate via typing, since I was simply unable to type coherently.

I will keep you updated on my progress, as it goes. Thank all of you, from the bottom of my heart for your honest and loving concern. It DID, and will continue to, help.

On the road back to mental health, I am,

Catherine Linda Michel