Author:
Taxonomy upgrade extras:
Hi, this is my first blog entry. I have some thoughts, when did you know you were TG, TS, or what ever? I don't want, after I had sex with an on line image or after I wore my mom's clothes, I want the first time I knew. I knew when I was around ten or twelve years old. I wanted to be a woman so badly that I could taste it. I read an article about Concinelle growing breasts and that put me over the edge. My Mom dressed me as a girl some years before, just playing around and I loved what she had done. I would dress in her clothes and tried to zip her dress and you know what, I couldn't do it. But and this is a big but, I wanted to be a woman. I dated girls and loved them to pieces, but I wanted to be them. Anyway, I married the fist time because the girl was pregnant and that was the thing to do. I'm old, 66 years but I never lost the want to be a girl .I've been married three times, and never lost my dream, but now I know it's too late. My wife loves that my stories have a lot of reads, but she has never read one. But this blog isn't about me, it's about you and what and why you have done what you have. I don't want to hear about some stupid sexual encounter, or it really turns me on. I want to know why, and if you are really a woman. Me, I've been married three times and have five natural, like from my sperm and one adopted child.I love all of them and they have no idea of what my thoughts might be. My youngest son, 19, almost twenty is gay and might read some of my stories. He read Forever and tripped out, he loved it. I can't believe I've benen rambling like this.I just want to know when and why, Arecee
Comments
Tell Me -- Don't Tell Me
So, let me see if I understand what you're asking...
You'd like to know when people might have realized they were transgendered, UNLESS they realized it under circumstances "A", or circumstances "B", or circumstances "C", or in fact any circumstance different than yours?
I suppose you have restricted definitions of what you'll allow as meeting the term "transgendered", too?
Please feel free to clarify, or to further restrict the number of people you'd like to hear from.
Wow, you're kicking my ass
What I want to know is when a person decided he or she was transgendered. I don't want this discussion to be about sex, but about yourself. It's not about transitioning. It's about who you are, Arecee
Sorry, But...
I'm a little touchy on the subject of who is and who isn't and what does and what doesn't constitute an expression of transgenderism.
For starters, I'd like this to be the guide. It's now the law in New York City. http://www.nyc.gov/html/cchr/html/trans_guide.html
As you can see, it's very, very inclusive. One of the reasons I'm so touchy on the subject is that in this little community of ours are a lot of people who are less inclusive. I wish everyone here could read and accept the City Commission on Human Rights' interpretation. (I also wish I was rich and beautiful and popular, but I guess you can't have everything.)
As for me, I self-identify as transgendered, in particular in terms of gender-expression. I'm lucky to have a wonderful, accepting spouse (even if she has taken to calling me Imelda Kingsley lately due to the number of pairs of shoes I seem to be accumulating), and to have found a nonjudgemental therapist who has helped me find a great deal of self-acceptance, although I'm still quite shy about public expression outside of very controlled environments. It's nice to come to understand and accept yourself, instead of being constantly at war with the guilt and self-doubt monsters.
Your question (as posed) irked me a great deal, as it seems to want to exclude elements of identity, including important things to gender expression, such as clothing. And, as long as we're being inclusive, I don't see how we can legitimately exclude discussions of wanting to transition, or the existence fetishism (as long as we're not being lewd.) Sex and sexuality and gender identification and gender expression are seperate aspects of human identity and behavior, but I think the discussion shouldn't exclude any of these aspects.
There are some who find comfort and peace and self-integration in their choice of underwear/lingerie, which might be at odds with their choice of street clothes. There are others who find extra libido with their choice of clothing in the bedroom. Call it fetishism or call it textile Viagra. I'm not going to make judgements on it. It crosses gender lines, so by definition, it's transgender. As for me, I like nothing less than dressing up as completely and nicely as possible. Hair, nails, makeup, clothes (including appropriate lingerie, breast forms, and hosiery), shoes, jewelry, perfume, and accessories. I know I'm a man looking as closely as he can to a woman when I do that, but that's all my goal is, so I'm happy.
When it started, I'm not exactly certain. It didn't start in its present form. A lot of it only came together after my wife decided she could handle it and invited me to stop hiding it from her, which was less than two years ago. Before that, we had a long-standing understanding that a) i needed it, and b) she didn't want to see it, so we lived under our own version of "don't ask, don't tell." I guess we both realized it wasn't healthy living that way. At least, not for us.
For earlier beginnings, I could point to the order I placed with the Sears catalog a couple years after getting my first and very own apartment. My first very own clothes, purchased in the right size. Or my guilty joy at being able to put on a pair of panties that a girlfriend left in my apartment a year or so before that. Or other incidents where clothes came into my possession. Or, I could point to efforts to sneak into my mother's or sister's clothes when I was a child.
I don't know when it started. I assume now that I've always been this way. Call me "Gender-greedy." I like being able to express both genders. And, I like being me, the way I am. I'm not a candidate for transition. At all. I would like to be able to be braver in public, and not care what my neighbors think, and not worry about where I go when I'm dressed certain ways. Who knows? Maybe some day. For now, I find contentment where I am, and don't seek anxiety.
That's who I am.
When did I know?
I don't know exactly when I knew.
When I was 5-6 I mainly played with the girls. Jacks, Hopscotch, 'Ball' games, and of course "House". When I was required to play boy games...I felt like an outsider...I'm sure I didn't know what was wrong then.
When I was 8 I was confused because I felt I was different from the other boys. When interogated I said I'm different down there... I asked mom if they could fix it. I couldn't put into words how I felt. I'm sure I didn't know exactly what was wrong then... I ended up with a really bad, painful circumcision and I hid my feelings for a long time. In subliminating those feelings... I mostly forgot about them.
When I was 13 I stole 3/4s of the woman next door's wardrobe. I took everything I could carry and hid it in my room. Course I got caught. I didn't know for sure then either... It wasn't sexual... I hadn't had an erection yet and my penis was very small. One of the items I purloined from the neighbour was a chinese silk embroidered blouse. It buttoned up in the back. I wore it to school and was soooo happy. They sent me to the principal's office and called my mother. I didn't know then either...
When I was 14 the woman next door moved away and we moved into her place. In the basement I found a paperback book. In it was a degrading description of a man trying to find love after having a "sex change". It was like an explosion of understanding... an "EPIPHANY" of sorts. I _KNEW_ that was what was wrong! I was a girl and I could get surgery to fix it!!! I made the mistake of telling my mom in a 1974 backwoods type town. She read the story and panicked. I remember her stripping naked in the kitchen and at 400lbs asked me shouting... "Is this what you want??!!" Confronted I of course said "No..." <I want to be pretty> I thought. It wasn't mentioned in my presence again until I was 33.
The reaction of my mother and her (gay) best friend to my revelation drove me so deep into the back of the closet I couldn't even see the door... I was sent to christian reform school to be exposed to older boys and male counsellors where my mom's confidants said I'd get a proper introduction to being a 'man'. It didn't help at all... but I did learn how to pick locks, break into houses, and how to use a towel to choke myself til I passed out just for the rush that came with it... <Such a waste of 6 months>
It was at this time that I developed a sort of schizophrenia if I can call it that. I became convinced that I was possessed by a demon or demons that were giving me these urges to want a "sex change". I spiralled into a religious fervor ending with me being baptised into the "Mormon" church. My sexual urgest became uncontrollable and I assaulted (touched) my sisters and begged them to touch me. I was humilated and frightened beyond belief. I was being overwhelmed by my shame and yet the desires kept getting worse.
I was worried I'd be a sexual predator. At age 33, I discovered the internet. Here I found people with stories that were frightningly close to mine. I no longer felt alone and it gave me the courage too seek help and eventually to transition at 34. I thank gawd (sic) that once the T* blockers kicked in I found my violent thoughts towards women and girls went away. I was able to think clearly again. I transitioned over the next 8 to 10 months gradually changing my wardrobe. I will never forget the day I walked into the men's room and 3 guys at the urinals looked totally embarrased and shouted at me "Wrong room lady!" I never went back. <HAPPY SIGH>
My name is Dayna and I am transsexual and a fat, ugly, elitist, bitch snob. I am woman...HEAR ME ROAR.
ps. I have a non-politically correct definition of what is transgendered too. So have courage you aren't alone. I do not label myself as 'transgendered' although others do and I don't correct them when they do.
I never heard the term "transgendered" until I discovered the internet. It was used mainly to group everyone who wasn't comfortable in one gender or the other. It was and is an umbrella word. Designed to mainstream groups and individauls. Safety in numbers I suppose.
pps... whoa. I kinda exploded there... I guess what I'm trying to say is... I may have known something was wrong somewhere between 5 and 14... but I definately knew at 14.
k.thx.bai
Me?
I've always known I was a girl, and that's that. I don't really like using the labels transgender or transsexual, I think labels are better left on soup cans personally ((no don't quote me on that, it's not my quote I've heard it from a lot of other people and it fit what I believe)) I only use them when trying to help people understand. However, is it possible for someone to not know until later in their years? Of course it is, however it's also possible to have a million in one identities and all are valid. Transgender, transsexual, transvestite, drag king, drag queen, gender queer, cross dresser, androgynous, bigender, metagender, non-gender, and everyone that can't currently be explained or described by current terminology, I say welcome ^^ *huggles you all*
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
what's so funny about peace love & understanding?
Princesschelsea, your comment was a breath of fresh air. A million and one valid
identities and a welcome to all. That pretty much sums up my sentiments, and I think
it fits in with what Pippa K. was saying. I don't mean to obliterate all distinctions
between t.g. "types". Some people have a real need to make it clear what they are NOT;
it helps define them, to express their core feelings, and that's cool. But when it
starts sounding like intolerance it just breaks my heart- that someone can be so
adamant about having their own validity recognized and yet turn around and deny
it to another whose identity/sexuality/whatnot might have a slightly different
mix of components, began at a different point in their past (I'd love to say
I knew I was female earlier than I did, it would make me feel so much more
legitimate for some reason), stem from some part of their brain a half a
centimeter away...... But this here community is made up individuals
who---whatever else they might be---are humans. And I've noticed
that us humans can be pretty shitty to each other sometimes.
But sometimes we're not, & your comment reminds me of this...
~~~hug, LAIKA
What borders on stupidity?
Canada and Mexico.
.
Tough Question
I had to move my response due to excessive rambling and lose of focus by author!!! Which way did they go George? Which way did they go?
Hugs
grover
Put simply, I didn't and still don't.
I don't actually remember a great deal of my life before I was seven years old, but from what I do remember I seemed to be quite effeminate - this however could be me adding weight to memories to make them explain later events. It would be glib to say my parents carried out a de-sissying campaign on me but some favourite toys disappeared, I was pushed into sports and my mother seems to have spent less time with me.
After seven I seemed to have been successful at being a boy tho I can't say I have a wealth of memories of that period either, but things went a bit haywire when puberty hit, then that seems to happen for everyone :) I had a compulsion to crossdress, and try as I might to suppress it, my sexuality pointed straight (no pun intended) at men... oh and I developed a nasty habit of sabotaging myself.
In my teens I spent a great deal of time trying to rationalise what had 'happened to me', but I just gave up in the end. It was far easier to compartmentalise my life, letting people see what suited them best. I didn't tell my straight friends I was gay, or my gay friends that I crossdressed. I've never fitted in with gay stereotypes - I'm not 'flaming' by any stretch of the imagination, nor do I feel comfortable around those who are; by contrast I've had some wonderfully intimate, though platonic, relationships with women. Friends say my personality changes when I'm dressed as a woman, but then some who only know me in one context (for example, work) are surprised how differently I behave if they encounter me in another - there definitely seems to be three or four people 'in there'.
Ever since I came out about my sexuality and sartorial habits, people have been hanging labels on me, or picking up quirks of mine (like my reluctance to wear shorts, or shortsleeved shirts when in male attire) and basing elaborate theories on them. The fact that I'm not unhappy the way I am never seems to stop them trying to winkle me out of some state of denial or other.
I'm pretty sure that I'm not unique, that there are others content to be a bit 'f****d up' and just accept that one size doesn't fit all... of course my liver had to take a lot of punishment before I worked this out :)
Wow!
According to the aunt who lives with me, my grandmother suggested I should have been born a girl when I was 2-3 years old. It might have been due to my handbag collection, and my predilection for clomping around in my mother's shoes.
With two brothers, it meant I had to be boyish enough to survive their horseplay. My elder brother used to see me as a pain when I went out with him, and he used to leave me stuck up trees until I begged him to get me down.
I did a lot of sport as a teenager, which I enjoyed, but I'd also been crossdressing from before 10 years old, when I could. That increased as I got older. I first heard the term 'transvestite' from the film Psycho, so had something to research. At quite a tender age I was reading Havelock Ellis and friends!
At 18 I joined the Beaumont Society and from meeting others decided I probably wasn't just a cross dresser. When I eventually dealt with my denial and accepted I was actually transsexual, I remember the wife of a TV friend telling me she wondered when the penny would drop. I asked what she meant, and she told me she'd originally thought I was someone's girlfriend, and then when she discovered I was one of the 'boys' she considered I was too 'real' to be just TV, in her words the others were playing at women, I was being one!
I finally found my way to Charring Cross Hospital at age 25 and began hormone therapy. However, I lacked the courage to 'go for it' and also fell out with Dr Randall, who was more weird than his patients!
I went back at 33 and transitioned the next year. I had to wait nearly five years for surgery because CCH got themselves into a spending mess.
The end of my journey, I suppose was becoming legally female last year and changing my birth cetificate etc.
So, in answer to the question, when did I figure it out? Sometime between birth and now. The only real thing that has changed is, I am no longer interested in why, or looking for someone to blame. I'm just me, an ordinary woman who got there by a slightly different route.
Angharad
Angharad
Fascinating read. I must say
Fascinating read.
I must say that I find you all to be quite brave in daring to follow your dream.
And that I hope all the best for you all.
Cheers
Yoron.