Idol
This is the story of Dakota Sullivan. We all know him... a child star that had so much talent and his struggles to be accepted as an adult star. His life as an adult star in movies and music has made him a legend.
We have heard rumours and allegations about him, but his personal life was always hidden from us.
"Idol" is the true story of Dakota, where nothing is hidden. This will shock you and you will have a new view of who this Idol really is!
Idol
This is the story of Dakota Sullivan. We all know him... a child star that had so much talent and his struggles to be accepted as an adult star. His life as an adult star in movies and music has made him a legend.
We have heard rumours and allegations about him, but his personal life was always hidden from us.
"Idol" is the true story of Dakota, where nothing is hidden. This will shock you and you will have a new view of who this Idol really is!
Age 1 – 1970
At some stage, a person has to sit down and look at the past. Where did he come from and what paths did he take in life. How did he become the person that he is now? Some call it a midlife crisis. I call it a midlife reflection.
This is a story about me. I have considered doing what others have done when they write their memoirs. I can continue to deny rumours that I have in the past. I could make the memoir a glossy account of my talents and achievements. I could polish the star above my head. This would be a waste of time and serve no purpose. I need to include the truth, especially where it hurt or confused me. I need to be honest especially when I made mistakes that were embarrassing or hurt others.
This story starts before me. It starts with my parents that were married in 1955. Dad met mom at the cinema. He would tell us the story that she would talk about and the film and its stars. Dad was surprised at how much gossip mom knew. I wondered how they ever fell in love, as Dad was very conservative and serious. Mom lived in her dream world, which was full of Hollywood stars and movies. It was as if life was a Hollywood film, where she was the star! Despite the differences, Mom and Dad got married. If you want my opinion, I will say that they were deeply in love. This proves the old saying that opposites attract.
Dad came from a very Catholic family and his faith was very sincere. As I said he was a very strict and serious man that had no humour. His one wish was to own a business. My earliest memories of my Dad was of someone bitter and sad. This was because he had to work in so many different shops for an average wage. He tried several times in opening his shops, but they always went bankrupt. Dad could never make them a success and he considered himself a failure. Despite that our family were middle-classed, Dad wanted us to live a better life. Mom was partly to blame for this, as she thought she should sing like a Hollywood star.
I have two older brothers, Cameron and Ronny. They were normal boys and mom and Dad loved them. While Dad wanted them to be good at school and prepare to be good citizens and Catholics, Mom wanted them to develop their talents. The problem with my brothers is that they did not have any outstanding talents. They liked sports but had no special talent here. This must have been frustrating for mom and a blessing for Dad. Dad was proud of my brothers and knew they would succeed in life. Mom wanted her children to be special. Mom wanted others to think that they were special.
Many thought that mom was a crazy woman. She was indeed fanatical about celebrities and their lifestyle and achievements. I think that one had to look deeper into moms past. Her mother was a stage mom and wanted her child to be a star. So moms childhood was her mother's ambitions for her fame. It meant that mom had to go to one audition after another. It meant dance lessons, singing lessons and acting classes. My mom did not have a childhood. She was always busy trying to be famous, and this was always met with a negative experience.
Mom was not crazy. She raised us in the only way she knew.
Mom never became famous. However, she was addicted to the thought of being famous. Maybe she married Dad because she thought he would own a chain of shops and be a famous businessman. When you understand how my mom thought, you can also understand why she was disappointed with my Dad, and why she did not have a very close relationship with my brothers.
It is worth mentioning that Mom was a Shirley Temple fan. Shirley was a child star in the 1930s and the 1940s. She had many hit films and her talent and smile charmed the whole world. There were more pictures taken of Shirley than any other person at the time. Mom admired Shirley Temple and her achievements. She often said that Shirley Temple was a role model and an inspiration.
So you can imagine how happy Mom was when she heard that she was pregnant with me. She told all her friends that she was sure that I would be a girl and I would be just as famous as Shirley Temple. Despite Dad begging to wait, mom spent a lot of money on a girls nursery and the best baby clothes a baby could ever want. Dad warned mom that statistically speaking, I would be a boy. Mom would not listen to him. She wanted a girl and life is like movies, they always have good endings.
So I was born in 1969. The world was changing. It was the dawn of the information age. The flower generation was protesting against social norms and wanted a better society with peace, love and tolerance. It was a time of protest. People hate the Vietnam war and people did not want politics as usual. Drugs and escape were now plaguing the generation, as they tried to search for love and happiness. The black and white society of Shirley Temple was replaced by rainbow colours.
Mom was told that I was a boy and she refused to believe this. She went as far as to say that I was switched with her real daughter. After she told the nurse this, mom refused to speak and locked herself in her bedroom. She refused to speak or see anyone, and this was especially me.
While mom was locked in her room. Granny took care of me. She doted over me and done what she could Dad would nod his head as he saw me. She dressed me in the girl clothes that mom got me. She thought it would be a waste of money buying me boy clothes. I am also told that she treated me as a girl and even called me a princess.
Dad was very calm about the fact that I was dressed as a girl and even treated like a girl. He could have insisted that granny looked in the old boxes in the attic and find my brothers clothes. To be honest, Dad had a lot more to worry about than which clothes I wore. He was worried about moms depression and that she could not accept that I was a girl. I was not going to be a modern version of Shirley Temple.
I noticed none of this. Granny said I spent my first year sleeping and eating.
I was over a year old before I was baptised. This was because of Moms depression. Dad could wait no longer as he was a devout Catholic. A day was set and he told Granny that we had to do it without mom.
Everyone was surprised when Mom was dressed up and smiling for the day. I slept through the whole baptism and did not notice when everyone was shocked when the priest told the world my name...
Dakota Shirley Sullivan
Idol
Idol - 1971 - Age 2
Dakota is now two years old. An important stage of life that will influence his whole life. Dakota is very confused.
Age 2 – 1971
The baptism shocked everyone. People could accept that my name was Dakota, even though many girls had the same name. The shock was my middle name. My mom gave me the same name as her idol... Shirley Temple. There was of course a fight when we came home from Church. Dad was shouting that I had a sissy name, and he wished that he was consulted. I was told that I just slept through it all.
The good thing was that mom was out of her depression. She now started taking care of me and granny was no longer needed. She still dressed me in girl clothes and even bought more. She would tell her friends that I was too pretty to be a boy and she wanted me to get used to wearing dresses. Her friends did not know how to respond, but they did agree with mom that I was a very pretty toddler.
My brothers did not play with me. They thought it was strange that I had a boys body and yet mom was treating me like a daughter. They were 7 and 9 years old, and by now knew the difference between a boy and a girl. They must have thought that I was strange. I was a boy and living as a girl. I do not blame them. They did not know how to be with me. Despite that I was being treated as their sister, they were jealous. Moms full attention was given to me. If the family had extra money saved up, it would be spent on clothes and toys. Dad was the only one that paid any attention to my brothers.
Even granny spoiled me. This could be expected. Granny wanted mom to be famous and this failed. Now she thought I was very special and the whole world should know! Of course, I did not understand a lot about moms and grannies plans and ambitions. I just knew that I was loved and that I had lots of toys. Like any other toddler, I knew nothing about fame. I considered myself already the centre of the universe.
Dad got a new job selling men's clothes in some posh shop. He did not like the job as it was his old friend that opened it. Dad would never admit it, but he was jealous. It was because of his help that the shop did not go bankrupt. This may not have been true, but it is what Dad thought. I think Dad was disappointed the new shop at least was not a partnership. It meant that Dad worked long hours and was less at home.
I was slowly learning how to speak. This opened the world for me and in a way put me more in the centre of attention. Both granny and Mom love that my voice seemed so clear and they thought it was so cute that I had a lisp. I didn't care. I spoke nonstop and wanted people to pay attention to me. This often made Granny smile and say that I was already becoming a Diva.
By this time, Dad had very little patience. He told mom that she must treat me like a boy and stop pretending that I was a girl. He demanded that I get boys clothes and toys. God created me a boy and If mom continued down this road, she would end up giving me huge identity problems and society would never accept a sissy. Was a future of being looked down on and teased something mom wanted for me.
Dad put his foot down, so I had no choice but to wear boy clothes. To be honest, I did not care, as I did not know the difference between a boy and a girl. I did not even know what I was. All that I know is that I did not want anyone to take my dolls. I cried and screamed when mom tried to take them. I even had a tantrum. Mom told Dad that it would be a crime to take away something that I love so much. So I was allowed to keep my dollhouse and dolls.
My brothers were now at a stage where they thought it was fun teasing me. They would ask me if I was a boy or a girl, and I would tell them Dad said I was a boy. Then they would laugh and ask why I had a girls name. Dakota was mainly a girls name and Shirley was a girls name. I knew they were smarter than me and I would believe them when they said I was a sissy.
Dad got very mad when I told him once that I was a sissy. He thought it was a sin to want to be something else than God created me. This confused me a lot. I did not know what to believe in. My brothers were telling me that I was a sissy and Dad told me this was a sin. I was a boy. Why did I have a girls name if I was a boy and can boys play with dolls? Luckily, I was still a toddler, so if I was confused, it would only be for a short time.
I slowly understood that there was a difference between boys and girls. Girls wore dresses. I could have been a girl as I used to wear dresses, but now I was a boy. I would be like my brothers. They could do everything and were ever so smart. They did not even have to take naps and did not have to go to bed early. They also didn't have to wear a diaper. I wanted to be like them.
I could see that Dad also demanded many things from my brothers. They had to look what he wanted them to look like and not like the hippies that he thought were losers. Dad wanted my brothers to be smart and intelligent. They had to get good grades at school and work hard at homework and being smart. This was hard as I would get into trouble if I wanted them to play with them and they had to do homework.
Mom and granny could still forget that I was a boy. Sometimes when Dad was at work and my brothers were at school, they would play dress-up with me. They would dress me in frilly dresses and try to curl my hair. I did not complain or question it. I was confused after hearing Dad say so many times that boys did not wear dresses, that mom would put me in one. I will be honest, I liked these games. I pretended that I was one of moms dolls and she was dressing me up. I liked the frilly and pretty dresses. I liked when Granny and Mom would say I was pretty or they would call me princess.
Dad came home one day and caught me in a dress. He lost his temper and started screaming. I was crying and who could blame me? I did not know what I have done wrong as I was just doing what I was told. Mom was crying and Granny was trying to get Dad to calm down. Mom and Dad were yelling and screaming for hours. I sat by my playhouse and wondered what I have done wrong.
It was shortly after this that a man talked to mom while she was shopping. He looked at me sitting in a trolley and asked mom did I want to be a model for toddler clothes. Mom was so excited that she could hardly speak. So some days went and mom received a contract through the mail. When Dad read the contract, he said no way would he ever permit it. Dad never said why, but mom was certain that it revenge or a punishment for her dressing me a girl.
A huge argument followed. Once again I knew it was about me and it made me cry when I heard my parents yell. I wanted to beg them to stop arguing and I would promise to be more behaved. They were so consumed in their yelling, that they did not even notice me crying.
I went to my brother's room. They just say on their bed and said that I was not special. I would never be famous. I had no clue as to what being famous meant. I just hoped my parents would stop arguing so we could go to the zoo the next day.
To be Continued
Idol
Idol - 1972 - Age 3
Dakota is now three years old, and his mom has big plans for him.
Age 3 – 1972
I was now 3 years old and due to Dads constant rages and yelling, I was now living as a boy. The period where I was dressed as a girl was part of my past. To be honest, I did not really think of it. I was happy with the way God created me, and I was happy that I was a boy. Mom still gave me the most attention while my brothers had to concentrate on their studies. I would look at them with their head buried in some book. I could not see how this was fun
Dad was not home much as he had to work a lot at the shop. I do not think he liked it much because when he came home, he was grumpy and always complained about the work. Unlike mom, he paid a lot of attention to my brothers and warned them that if they did not study hard, they would get the same future as he had. I was still too young to understand why Dad could be so grumpy. At this age, I have done my best to keep away from him.
Mom still had a plan for me and high ambitions. She started taking me to dance lessons just after my third birthday. This is where you can say that my freedom stopped and my career started. I now had to learn how to entertain. My charming smile was not enough. I honestly did not mind. In a way, dancing was fun. It was moving to music like a bird flies in the skies. It was being graceful, almost like a fairy.
When I danced, I forgot who I was. I remember the first time that my dance teacher smiled at what I was doing. She told me that I was a natural talent. This praise gave me a lot of confidence. I wanted the dance teacher to smile. I wanted mom to say that she was proud of me. This is where I first learned the power of entertaining. I could make people smile. I could make people want to look at me. This was a feeling that consumed me for the rest of my life.
Of course, the dance teacher could also be a pain. If I fell, she would tell me to stand up and try again. I would practice and practice until she got what she wanted. At times I shouted that I no longer wanted to dance. I wanted to play. The teacher would stamp her foot and say to stop moaning and to continue. At times I really hated her. Then when I figured the dance steps, I would quickly forget and have fun once again.
I wore a leotard and tights at the dance classes. The leotard was pastel pink and the tights were white. Some of the older girls asked was I a boy and did I like pink. Some even called me a sissy. I had no clue what this meant, and I just answered politely that I was a boy and mom picked my clothes. When I told mom that the girls teased me, she said they were just jealous. I danced much better than many of the older girls there.
At home, mom continued to educate me in show business. She told me the story of Shirley Temple. She was doing some small films when she was 3 until some movie studio seen her at a dance lesson. Then Shirley did countless movies and was the most famous child on the planet. They even had a doll that looked like her. Mom said it was her charm and optimism that made her a success. It was a bad time to live as people had no money, but Shirley Temple managed to put smiles on people faces and made them forget that they had problems.
I was a bit worried that mom wanted me to be a modern version of Shirley Temple. She had all the curls and the talent to make people want to see her. I knew I could dance and I knew that I had charm. Granny told me that. I was just worried that I could not be good as Shirley. Looking back at all this, I think it must have been a strange time for me. My mother wanted me to be famous. I did not know what it meant. I just knew mom had big intentions for me. I was not so sure I would achieve them.
To make things worse, Dad and mom constantly fought about me. Dad wanted my hair cut and told mom to stop her campaign on making me a carbon copy of Shirley Temple. Mom would argue that long hair for boys was popular. She admitted she knew that I did not look like Shirley. I had no curls. Yet she tried to persuade Dad that I had a very good singing voice and was an excellent dancer. I could be famous. Dad put his foot down and said that he wanted this nonsense to stop now. There were millions of boys that had my talent and they cannot all be famous.
My hair was cut. The fights continued.
I did not like when mom and Dad fought. I always thought that I have done something wrong. I also knew that I could not please them both. This confused me. I asked granny what I should do. She smiled and said mom and dad would find a solution. I should not worry about it. I was a very special boy that had a special destiny. I had just as much charm and spirit as Shirley Temple had.
Mom took advantage of the long working hours that Dad had. She wanted me to get noticed. So her idea was to enter me in a pageant. This would mean a lot of practice and I would not be able to play as much. Mom explained that it was also a good way to introduce myself to the public. They will judge me on how I looked and my personality. This was important for mom, as I had to have the right image.
The problem was that it was a girls pageant. Mom explained that I would be wearing dresses and other girl things. Everyone would believe that I was a girl. Mom can see that this confused me. I was a boy. How could I be a girl and wouldn't Dad get mad? Mom told me it was a game. I would pretend that I was a girl. I would fool everyone.
Mom then warned me not to tell Dad. He would never understand why I should do a pageant and especially the fact that I would be dressing like a girl.
To be honest, I did not understand either. However, practising for it was fun. The first outfit was a gown. I felt like a princess in this. Then it was swimwear. I had a nice floral one piece with a small skirt that was like a tutu. The last outfit was a denim dress and tights. It was the talent part and I practised singing a song. Mom also bought a good quality wig that looked like it was my own!
So when Dad was at work, I was a girl training to be in a pageant. I loved it, even when mom had no patience and was very demanding. I know that this sound strange. I felt so pretty in dresses and with my hair (wig) done. I liked posing and letting others see me. I liked performing. I will admit that it was also fun fooling everyone.
At this time, mom had started to potty train me. She thought I was old enough to get out of diapers. This went very well and it was nearly overnight that I stopped wearing them. Both my mom and dad were proud of me saying I was so quick. I had second thoughts. I missed wearing diapers. It meant that I was growing up and I would be like my brothers. Mom and Dad would have more expectations of me. The days of endless play would now stop and I would have to study and learn to be an adult.
I had never seen mom as happy as when we were practising for the pageant. She had no patience and was very demanding, but she was always smiling and saying how fun it was. After practice, we would cuddle on the sofa. Mom would tell me how proud she was of me and I was a natural performer. I would be famous and everyone in the world would know my name. I would be a celebrity like Shirley Temple.
I did not understand the idea of being famous. I did understand when mom said things like I made a better boy than a girl. She was sure that God gave me the wrong body and I should have had a girls body. This confused me. It made me think that God probably was sick when he was making me and was not thinking right. At any rate, these words from mom stayed with me and were always somewhere in my head for the rest of my life. Did God want me to be a girl? I was happy at being a boy and I was just as happy when I was treated like a girl.
When the pageant, we did fool everyone. They all thought that I was a girl. I loved dressing up and coming out to pose when the audience and the judges smiled and clapped. The largest reaction was when I sang a song. It was Shirley Temples "On a good ship lollipop". The audience loved it and they clapped and cheered when I sang the last note. I had a huge smile on my face because it was so fun singing for people and seeing their reactions.
I won the pageant which made mom so happy. She told me that my career now has started. Winning the pageant would lead me on to better things and I would be a star. The only thing I asked was if the world would see me as a girl. Mom did not answer this. She told me that she would worry about those things.
I thought a lot about this in the next week. I did not know if I wanted to play the game and fooling everyone that I was a girl. I was only 3 at this stage, and at this age, everything was black and white for me. Up to now in my life, Dad had been pounding in me that I was a boy. I knew that my brothers were boys. They never dressed as girls or done pageants. This made me think about why I was sometimes treated as a girl. Was I doing something wrong? Would God be mad? What if someday, I did not fool someone and everyone saw me as a boy dressing up as a girl.
A few weeks later, we were driving home from Church. I asked mom if we would be doing a pageant again. This made Dad ask more about the pageant. I forgot that I should keep it a secret and told Dad all about the pageant I won. Dad listened calmly as I told him that I fooled everyone into believing that I was a girl. I told him that I even won a trophy.
Dad tried to concentrate on driving the car but managed to say to mom that she finally fooled the world into believing that I was a girl. She also fooled him. Then my parents started arguing. I did not have a clue what they were arguing over besides the normal disagreement if I could wear dresses or not. I suddenly remembered that I was not to tell Dad about the pageant. It was once again my fault that they were fighting.
Then everything went fast, One moment I noticed Dad looking at mom and being very angry. The next I heard was mom shouting telling Dad to stay on the road. It was too late. I heard the car screeching and seen glass fly through the air. There was a lot of noise like metal being scrapped and twisted.
Everything went black. When I opened my eyes again, I was still in the car. I called out for mom to help me. There was no response. I only heard the sounds of sirens.
To be continued
Idol
Idol - 1973 - Age 4
Dakota loses the person that loves him the most.
Age 4 – 1973
I woke up in the hospital. The last thing I knew was that we were driving home from Church. Mom and Dad were arguing over me pretending to be a girl at a pageant. It was my fault they were fighting. I forgot that mom told me not to tell Dad. It ended with Dad being unable to concentrate on driving and arguing with mom. He drove into a tree.
The first I saw at the hospital was my brothers. They only had some scratches and bruises. The same with me. The doctor said that we were very lucky to be alive and it was good that we wore seatbelts. I was full of energy, so it was hard being told to lay in bed because the doctors and nurses had to observe me.
Life at the hospital was so boring. It was also lonely. I could see parents visit the other children. My parents were in another place in the hospital, so they could not visit me. I was not allowed to see my parents and this made me worry about them. I tried asking my brothers, but they would not answer me. They blamed me for the car accident, saying that mom and Dad were fighting about me. They said that I have just been a problem since I was born.
The other children on the ward did not speak with me. This made things more boring. I tried speaking with them, but they looked at me as if I was some alien. I had nothing to do except observe them when they spoke with each other or their families visited them. It seemed as if no one ever had anything good to say about me. Even Dad did not approve of me. It was only mom that was nice to me, and all I knew was that she was someplace in the hospital. I wondered when she could visit me.
One of the nurses was also nice to me. She kept on calling me "poor child" and it looked as if she wanted to cry when she saw me. I liked her because she took the time to sit down and speak with me when the other children had visits from their families.
The nurse told me that I was very lucky that I was not hurt a lot. The accident was a bad one. She told me that Dad was fine, however, mom went to heaven. Then she hugged me. I asked when Dad would be visiting me, and then the nurse made excuses that she had some work to do. All I knew is that she did not say when my dad would visit me.
I hid under my sheets and started crying. Mom was dead and it was my fault. She defended me when Dad did not like the way I was. I knew that I was not like other boys. This made me think that this was the reason that mom died. Now I had no mom. I spent all my time mourning this loss and promising myself that I would make dad proud of me. I would be the boy that he wanted me to be. The problem is that dad never did visit me. This made me think more and more that everyone knew that mom died because of me.
Granny visited me one day. She apologised that she did not come earlier, but it was a bad time for her. She tried to tell me that it was not my fault that my mom had to go to heaven. I just sat and listened to her. I did not believe a word she said. I was just happy that she was visiting me. It made me think that someone cared. Granny continued to tell me that my brothers and I would be living with us. She explained that Dad left the hospital and no one knew where he was. He did not want us and was hiding someplace. I knew that this meant that Dad did not want me.
Moms funeral came, and I did not understand it very much. I could not understand why she was in the coffin and would not come out. I could not understand that mom was in heaven and would never be able to hug me again and tell me how special I was. My oldest brother Cameron told me afterwards that Mom was dead because of me. This meant that I was no longer special and I would never be famous.
Granny asked me if I would sing at moms funeral. It's not as if I had a choice to do this. Granny told me what song I would be singing. I was dressed as a pageboy, with leggings that looked like tights and a top with frills. Besides the pageant I have done, I have never sung in private. The fact that I was singing in public and it was at my moms funeral scared me. I sang "Amazing Grace". It was a relief that I did not cry. Everyone else was in tears.
After the funeral, people we telling me how good I was and that I sang like an angel. I did not have time to listen to them. I have seen Dad talking with my brothers. I rushed over to Dad and told him how much I missed him. Dad was not smiling. He asked me what I was wearing and why did I look like I was a fairy? I had no clue that fairy meant he thought I looked gay. I did not even know what gay meant. I looked at Dad in a confused way. I could see that he was still ashamed of me. He hugged my brothers and when he looked at me, he sighed.
Things did change. My fourth birthday was shortly after the funeral. We did not even celebrate this. I had a small party with my dolls. I now had to get used to that I was no longer special and had no bright future. I had to accept that I would grow up and not be like Shirley Temple. I would be the boy known for not keeping a secret and getting his mother killed.
When I asked Granny if I would be famous, she did not answer. She told me that I needed to be a child. She knew I was talented and she knew that I could be a star, however, she admitted that she did not know how it would be done. Granny told me that we needed time to be a new family and to get over the death of mom and Dad abandoning us. In a way, I was happy that I would be leading a normal life. I did not know what a normal life was, as I was always told that I would be famous and that I was a special child.
I was not allowed to go out. I spent most of my time with my dolls. I always expected mom to come back and would feel that it was my fault that she was dead. If I just kept the secret that she wanted, then she would be alive. Granny did her best to be like a mother to us. However, she was our granny and we knew we were there because no one else could take care of us. She did her best to give us the best environment we could have. It was something we had to adjust to. Moms death was like a huge hole in my heart and I kept on thinking about the time that Dad did not hug me.
My brothers did not want to be with me. They would tell me that mom died because I was a sissy, and it was my fault that she used so much time on me and nearly forgot them. Now, mom was gone. They would tease me that I would never be famous or have friends. No one loved me and everyone knew that I was weird. It was hard for me to listen to the verbal abuse from my brothers. It was just as bad that my brothers had each other, and they did not like me.
I never felt so alone.
One day, Granny explained to me that a friend of hers had a daughter that was getting married. She explained that the wedding was in a few days and the flower girl was sick. Then she told me that she promised that I could dress as a flower girl. At first, I laughed, and I protested that I was a boy. Granny reminded me that I was a girl in the pageant and that no one found out that I was a boy. She said she would not force me to be a Flowergirl, but I would be helping people that needed the help. Then she added that it would also make her happy.
So the day came when I was to be a Flowergirl. My hair was now longer, but you could still see it was a boys hair. I wore a pink petticoat dress with a ribbon around my stomach. I had girl panties and tights on, as well as Mary Jane shoes. I looked in the mirror. The dress was so pretty and I felt so pretty with the dress on. Deep down this made me happy as it reminded me of the dress up games I had with mom. I knew mom would smile if she saw me.
The wedding went well and I did the job as a Flowergirl as good as I could. Granny was so proud of me. I also talked with the other girls at the wedding. They were nice at the start. They liked my dress and they wondered what it was like being a Flowergirl. This was until one of my brothers said I was a boy. This confused the other children my age. They wondered how a boy could be in a dress. Then one of the older boys said that I was a sissy. At this stage, everyone stopped being nice and started teasing me. It did not help that I started to cry. Now I was both a sissy and a crybaby.
When we were at home, I was mad at my brothers. It was clear that they hated me. They enjoyed others teasing me. Why did my brothers want to humiliate me so much? Why could we not be like a family that was on TV? It was not just me that was mad. Granny was also mad at my brothers. She reminded us that we are family and will always have each other. There is no place in any family for any jealousy or hatred. My two brothers laughed when she used the word jealous. I doubt that they listened to her.
Granny told me that she had good news. A man at the wedding thought that I was so cute, that he wanted me to be in an advertisement campaign. Granny had already said yes to it. I did not quite understand what it meant. I would be in some advertisements. Did that mean I will be famous?
Granny was not fished yet, she announced that she had considered our future and she considered what mom would want.
"Your father has left." she said, "This means he has no say. Your mom wanted you to have a good life. She thought you could be famous. So we will do the same as Jackson 5. You will be a family band. Dakota will be the head singer and Cameron and Ronny will be supporting. You will all need to work and work hard. You need to be lucky. You need to be good. You will need to practice a lot."
My brothers groaned, but Granny was not finished. "Your mom also considered Dakota a girl that was born in the wrong body. I could see that Dakota was so happy today when he was a girl at the wedding. Dakota felt so happy in girl clothes. Dakota was his true self. Dakota is a girl, and from now one will be treated as a girl."
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Idol
Idol - 1974 - Age 5
Dakota would rather have a friend than fame
Age 5 – 1974
Granny decided that I would be a girl. She did not even ask me what I wanted. As she was talking, I was thinking how confusing it all was. I knew that I had the wrong body and should have a girls body. How could God make such a mistake, and would others understand this? The fact was that I was now going to be a girl and live as a girl.
Granny spent a week buying new clothes for me. She must have used a lot of money because the clothes were so pretty. They were of course all girl clothes. Now I had every from petticoat dresses, summer dresses, T-shirts, shorts, panties, tights, cute socks. You name it, I had it. I had pretty clothes like any other girl in the country. It was so exciting. I was not even sad when we had to get rid of my boy clothes. Granny said that they were donated to charity, so some boys could use them and be happy.
I was wearing a belly top and skirt with tights one day, and my brothers thought that it was funny. Granny explained that is how girls dressed. My brothers could not stop laughing. When granny went to do something, they told me that I should never think that I was a girl. I was a boy that wore dresses and belly tops. I would never be a girl, except a sissy. I could see that my brothers thought that I was weird. I was afraid that they were ashamed of me. I also thought that if they thought I was just a boy dressing as a girl, what would others think? I was about to start preschool. Would I make friends?
It didn't take me long to adjust to the life of being a girl. I quickly considered myself a girl and loved everything about it. I loved the clothes and I loved my toys, especially my dolls and dollhouse. I loved when I helped granny do things like bake and cook. I even liked to help to clean. I was nearly spoiled by granny. Even when I was out shopping with Granny, her friends thought that I was cute and granny was so lucky to have a granddaughter.
It was time for me to do the advertisement. I was looking forward to it, thinking that I would be wearing pretty dresses. The photos were taken at a big warehouse. I was so nervous. I had no clue how to be a model. However, the people there were nice. Granny and I were sent to a changing room. Granny told them that she would help me get changed. They all thought I was a girl. Granny did not want them to know what my body looked like. I was shocked about what I had to wear. It was a pretty white nightdress with lace sleeves. There was also a diaper. I told Granny that there was no way that I would be wearing a diaper. After a lot of protesting, Granny persuaded me to do it. She told me that Shirley Temple started her career when she was just wearing a diaper in films.
Wearing a diaper was so strange. It was bulky and when I walked and it made a crinkly noise. The nightdress did not hide it, so needless to say, the photos were not so good at the start. I was so embarrassed and was doing everything to hide the diaper. The photographer explained to me that the advertisement was for a bedwetter. Many children and teens wet the bed. I was helping these boys and girls. I should not be ashamed. So I found what courage I could and posed the way he wanted me to. I had to play with dolls, then go to bed. Then I pretended to wake up and smiled when I felt my sheets were dry. When I got out of bed to give this lady who was supposed to be my mum a hug while I continued to smile. The photographer praised me saying that I was a cute girl.
The ad convinced Granny that I was on my way to fame. So we had to start practising. Granny thought we should be a band and this would bring us closer together as a family. We spent a lot of time practising, but I loved singing. I still did not understand fame, so I was happy just singing. The same could not be said about my brothers. They hated their status as backup singers, and this made them hate me more than they did. Every time we practised, they would complain that they wanted to go out and play.
It was time that I started with pre-school. I was excited about this as it meant that I could be with children my age. I did not have to worry about being famous or having big expectations placed upon me. I could play and not worry about practising or learning new songs.
This is what I hoped for. The other children in pre-school were not very nice. They heard that I was a boy, but could not understand why a boy wore girl clothes. I did not know how they knew the truth but suspected my brothers told their friends and the news spread around the school. My classmates asked if I was a boy, and did not believe them when I said that I was a girl. No one wanted to play with me. I would be alone when there was time to play.
I thought it would help when my hair grew. I was so happy the day that granny put my hair in a ponytail and thought this would sort out all the problems at school. It just made things worse. Everyone was calling me weird and a sissy.
I thought that there was something wrong with me. My brothers never wanted to be with me nor did anyone at school. This can only mean that I was a person that for some reason did not like. I had no clue as to why a person would not like me. However, it meant that I now hated going to pre-school. The more I got teased at school, the more that I was convinced that I was too weird to be there. My self-esteem was now being eroded every time I went there.
I noticed the other children made deals about playdates at each other's houses. No one ever asked me. This was just a confirmation that no one considered me good enough to be their friend. This hurt me a lot and I would often cry when I was in bed at night praying to God that someone wanted to have a playdate with me. I knew that this was a lot to ask for, as I should just settle for one person liking me.
It's not as if I had time for playdates. Granny wanted me to practice a lot. This meant dancing, singing and learning new songs. She wanted me to have more than talent. She wanted me to sparkle when I performed. She called it the x-factor. Despite that Granny was demanding and that practising was hard, I loved it. It was an escape for me. I would pretend that thousands of people were looking and they liked me. Singing was like I was being set free and showing myself that I did have a talent. I was sure that the other children in the pre-school could not sing.
The bedwetting ad came out. I never expected that it would be on TV, magazines, newspapers and even billboards. Everyone could now see me in a diaper. This did not bring fame, it made my life worse. It started with my brothers that teased me, telling me I would be famous for being a bedwetter. They were right. Everyone at school called me a bedwetter. They did not believe me when I told them that I was not. I was now known as the school baby.
My brothers hated when we had to practice. It did not help that they did not have the best voices. It was mostly Ronny, who was 12 years old that did not like practising. Cameron (who was 10) slowly started taking an interest in how we should perform. He just did not want to be on the stage. It was also Ronny that was mean to me. He used every opportunity to call me names and it was clear he did not like me. Cameron did not become a friend because we practised, but he did not tease as Ronny did.
The teacher wanted to talk one day to me. Her name is Miss Riordan. She wanted to know if it was true that I was transgendered. I never heard this word before and she asked bluntly if I had a boys body. I explained that I was a girl, but God made a mistake when he gave me a boys body. I thought that I was in trouble and started crying. Miss Riordan hugged me and said I was too young to know my identity, and God did not make mistakes. That's all that was said and done. She did not talk with granny or the class about it. After she spoke with me, I was so afraid of what she would do. It seems that she did not like the idea that I considered myself a girl.
Granny wanted to set the wheels in motion for my fame, so she decided to go to Dublin to find an agent to help my career. I was not all that excited about it as I did not know what an agent was and what he could do. I was excited that we would be living with Grannys friend while granny was in Dublin. Her name was Mrs Aries and she was older than granny! She lived close by. She welcomed my brothers and me with open hands and promised that we would have fun.
Things were bad when Mrs Aries found some money that she had was gone. A big argument started between Mrs Aries and my brothers, where she accused them of stealing the money. She did not understand how anyone could steal from an old woman. My brothers had no defence and I wondered why they were not arrested. My brother did not seem to care. They just ran out to play.
Granny came back from Dublin and was not very happy. The agent told her that it would take too much work to run a kids band. There were already so many that were also famous, like the Jackson 5. Granny decided that we will keep practising. Fame was a long and narrow road, but she was determined to respect moms wish. She was still very optimistic, as she said I was in one ad, and this would lead to better things!
I did not like Granny when she talked about mom or dad. I would go to my room and cry because I missed mom so much. I also missed Dad, but I knew that he was ashamed of me and did not want to be with me. It reminded me all the time that it was my fault that my parents were dead. I still had nightmares about my parents arguing about me and then the car crash. I never told anyone about this, as my brothers would just say that I was seeking attention!
So life was now that I was teased and bullied at school. Even my teacher looked at me as if I was some freak. Ronny teased me at every chance he could. I knew that granny loved me, but I also knew that she was using me to accomplish moms dreams.
Practising was still fun. This was despite that granny would tell us again and again how we should sing, how we should dance and how we should sparkle. It was also annoying that we had to wait for my brothers, as they would often come late. I thought we could be much better if we were all dedicated, worked together and were nice to each other. My brothers did not care, and this frustrated Granny more!
I was the smallest at preschool. This did not help my status as a sissy baby. Granny explained that some children were just not tall. She also started to give me some tablets that she had imported from China. She warned me not to tell anyone that I took these tablets, as they were not approved. She explained that they would help my body become more feminine. I was not old enough to understand what she was giving me, so I just took them.
To be continued
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Idol
Idol - 1975 - Age 6
Dakota would rather have a friend than fame
Age 6 – 1975
I knew I should have been born as a girl and had the wrong body. I loved life as a girl and would love to experience it in its full. I just wish I was asked if I wanted to be a girl. It was Granny that told me how to dress. I did feel comfortable when I was a girl, but I did not like when I was teased. I did not like when people judged me. Why could people accept that this is how I was and wanted to be?
I was happy during the summer. I even went to the beach wearing a girl one-piece. It was one of the happiest times of my life. My brothers kept on calling me weird and a sissy. I suppose I was and it did not bother me. No one at the beach teased me or gave me a hard time. Some even thought it was cute.
Dad visited and he took my brothers out on a trip. Granny asked him why he did not want me to come and Dad said that I was too young to go where they were going. When Dad and my brothers went, I cried and cried. I knew that he could have had me with him. It confirmed the fear that I had that he was ashamed of me and did not love me. It was probably because I lived as a girl and that it was my fault that mom died in a car accident.
Summer was too short, and it was time to start at preschool again. Once again, I was left alone and had no friends. The teacher tried to get me to play with the others, but it was obvious that they had no wish to be seen with me. It was strange being so lonely while I was together with children my age. The only contact I got was when they teased me. They still asked if I was a boy or a girl. Sometimes they would stand around me and say where they thought I was a boy. Other times they would say why they thought I was a girl. The common factor is that they thought I was weird.
I told Granny that I was being bullied a lot. She would smile and say, "They should not call you sissy. That is such a mean word. Your mom knew that you were no ordinary boy. She knew you had the heart and soul of a girl. She knew you were a girl. You are happiest when you are allowed to live as a girl. It is important that you are happy with your identity."
I had no clue what granny was trying to say. She was saying I should be happy. She continued by saying that she was sure that I would be famous. Everyone in the world would know who I was and many would love when I would entertain them. I would make people smile and bring a moment of happiness to their lives. I was not famous yet and it would take a lot of work and dedication. Granny was sure that I was old enough to deal with this.
It seemed as if I practised every chance there was. I rarely had time to play or watch TV. I practised songs and new songs and how to sing songs without messing up. Granny also wanted me to look cute when I was singing. I had to smile at the right time and try to "sparkle" as she called it. When I sang a song, she would tell me to do it all over again. It is hard to smile when you had to sing a song 7 times! It was also hard when you looked in a mirror. The agent said there was no chance that I would ever be famous. I wondered what was all the practice for. Why could I never be like my brothers? They never showed up for practice and mostly played outside. They were free to do as they wish. They had freedom!
One good thing happened tho. Dad had a new girlfriend. Dad and she visited us sometimes. I liked her a lot. She reminded me a lot about mom. While Dad would speak with my brothers, she would let me cuddle against her as she talked to me about normal things. I loved when she would brush my hair, which was now becoming quite long. We would talk about everything except fame and being teased at school. She treated me like a normal 6-year-old and did not think that I was weird.
It was good news when Dad announced that he was getting married to Mary, his new girlfriend. I jumped up and down and thought it was torture that I would have to wait for the wedding. I was excited about everything and made sure that I was around when it was being planned. I was told that I would sing at the wedding. Waiting for the wedding was just as bad as waiting for Christmas.
I wish things could be so good at school. The teasing continued. The boys could not understand why I wanted to be a sissy. I had the body of a boy and was pretending to be a girl. Why could I just not be normal like everyone else? They were frustrated that I did not answer. If I did answer, I would tell them that I was not a sissy. I was a girl and it was their problem they could not accept this.
Our teacher was not very understanding. She kept on telling me that I was not a girl, but transgendered. She would get mad and tell me that it was not normal what I was doing, and sissies like me always ended in hell. This was something that scared me. I had no wish of going to hell. I did not consider myself to be evil. I sang songs that praised God. He was my friend.
It was no longer just teased at school. They began to push me around and even hit me. I never did like pain and I think that when I cried, it made the bullying worse. They would take pleasure in making my life hell. I started to wish they went back to just teasing. The worse thing is that the teachers would not help. Maybe they thought the bullying would make me become more like the other boys. It all resulted in me dreading going to school. I would think every day that I had some tropical disease until Granny would convince me that I was fine.
The time came when Dad and Mary were to be married. I wore a pink dress with tights and my hair was set in a bun with flowers in it. I remember that when I looked in the mirror, I felt so happy. A girl was smiling back at me. When I looked in the mirror, I did not see any boy looking back. It was then that I realized my true identity. I felt like a girl and was happiest when I was allowed to live as one. I knew that God loved me and I would not be going to hell. I knew that God would not approve of others that bullied me.
My brothers and I sang at a Church. We sang a gospel song in front of people. They were all thrilled with our performance and we got a standing ovation in the church. We also sang a few songs during the reception. I was in heaven as it was obvious people liked my singing. They were entertained by me and it was so rewarding when they clapped.
After I performed, Dad told me and my brothers that he thought we had talent. He was mostly praising my brothers, and the only thing that he said was that I should let my brothers be more than backing singers. I did not answer. Dad continued telling my brothers how smart they looked and how proud he was. He said nothing to me about how I looked. I knew that he was ashamed and considered me his son that was wearing a dress.
Mary hugged and said, "It looks as if I am your stepmom now. I never want to replace your mother and hope that we get along. It is a shame you cannot come to live with us. Your dad decided that you are best with your grandmother."
I started crying and could not understand why I started to cry. I whimpered that Dad did not want me because he thought I was weird. Mary smiled and said that she knew that I was transgendered. She also said that I was one of the prettiest and most talented girls she met, and she was proud to have me as her stepdaughter.
Practising was different after the wedding. I would of course practice singing, but Granny also wanted me to listen to famous bands and people like Elvis, the Beatles, Jackson 5 and Tom Jones. I would be observing their movements and how they entertained. I think that Elvis was the best at entertaining. He did not have to sing. He could just tell the audience that he loved them and they would go crazy. There was something about him that sparkled. He was a true entertainer.
The priest visited granny and told us he would love it if my brothers and I sang at the Church every Sunday. Granny did not support this as she did not consider it a ticket to fame. However, it is hard saying no to a priest. Besides that, it would give us an experience in public and despite I have done the bedwetter ad, no one was knocking at the door for me to do something that would make me famous. It was agreed that we would sing a song after the homily every Sunday. We would not get paid for it. I suppose we would get a special place in heaven.
I was dressed in different dresses every time. I felt as if I was a princess. The people at the Church did not know our family very well, and I wondered did they know my secret. If they did know I was transgendered, they never said anything. I loved singing at the Church. I relished when they stood and clapped after I sang. When we were leaving the church, no one would be teasing us about clothes or long hair. They all wanted to shake my hand and praise my talent.
The priest said we were a sensation, and more people were coming to Church. Despite this, Granny could also see some mistakes we had and told us we needed more practice. Granny also was impatient. She thought that we deserved more than just singing at a local Church. Despite that the agent said we should be happy with the local fame, Granny could not accept that this was my destiny.
I should have been happy. I got what I always wanted. I was allowed to sing for others. I was not happy though. At first, I thought it was because I had no friends and Dad was ashamed of me. Then I found out that I was. I could not remember how my mom looked. I tried to close my eye and could not remember how she looked. I thought this was a sign that I did not love her enough. I went into a depression and no one could help. They all thought it was because I was being teased at school.
I told Granny that I could not remember my mum. She took me to see my moms grave.
"Your mom is looking down from heaven." she said, "She knows you love her and she is always with you. She is in your heart. She knows it is hard for you to live as a girl. She also knows that your gender does not define who you are. It is what is in your heart and how you treat others. It is if you are happy and proud of who you are. Your mom always knew you were talented, and you can entertain people and bring happiness to their lives. Your mom loves you for who you are!"
The next day at school, I was surprised. This girl from my class came up to me. She did not tease me. She asked if we can be friends!
To be continued
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Idol
Idol - 1976 - Age 7
Dakota would rather have a friend than fame
Age 7 – 1976
I felt so weak on my knees when the girl asked me if we could be friends. No one has ever asked me this before. Her name was Chloe. She was not one of those that teased or bullied me. She always was a quiet girl that was hard to notice. Now she asked me to be her friend. At first, I was speechless and did not believe that someone would want to be my friend. I sputtered that of course I would be her friend and put my hand out to shake hands on it. I suddenly had a friend, which was what I wanted most in the world. I now had a friend.
My oldest brother was now a teen, and it was as if his hobby was tormenting me. He would ask me if I was a girl and did I considered myself a girl? I always fell into his trap when he asked this. I would explain that I was a girl and just had the wrong body. This would make my brother tease me and remind me of how weird I was. Both brothers would remind me that no one liked me because I was not normal.
I did stand up for myself. I would tell them that people liked when I sang and that I now had a friend. I had talent unlike many other people and I was proud of who I was. I did not tease people or hurt peoples feelings. I wanted to make people smile and make them happy.
The priest knew I was talented. He asked Granny if my brothers and I could go on a national tour and visit a lot of churches in the county. The idea was that we would visit Churches and give a small concert. Granny was a bit against a Church tour. At first, she thought that it was a waste of time. She quickly changed his mind when she was reminded that it would give us some exposure and that we would be getting paid. So a deal was made where we would give a concert at 100 churches across the country.
I honestly did not know what to think about it. It was so new and unknown. It was only my stepmom that was against it, as she thought I was too young. She tried telling Granny that I should be allowed to play and have fun as a child. She reminded her that I was only 7 years old.
It was decided that I would do the Church tour.
Stepmom visited us a lot and did her best to be like a mother to me. I liked when we cuddled and when she did my hair. She talked about normal things to me. She loved that my hair was now so long that she could put it in different hairstyles. Once she put it in a lot of braids. I looked like an afro-American. When I first saw my hair, I thought that it looked so cool. I did not know why the others teased me because I had braids. It was nothing new, as my hair usually was in a ponytail.
Chloe did not tease and we even agreed that she could come and visit me. It was hard to find a time because we were practising so much for the tour. She had no problem visiting when I practised. Then it would be as if she was the audience which made the practice much easier. I showed Chloe my wardrobe. She was a bit jealous, saying that I had nicer clothes than she had.
Chloe was a good friend. She told me she knew I was transgender. She also admitted that she did not understand why a boy wanted to dress and act like a girl. I could not even answer this. Chloe would tell me none of this mattered. She liked me because I was a good person and this was all that mattered. We never discussed this a lot. We spent most of our time playing. Chloe loved to draw and my bedroom wall was full of rainbows and unicorns. I felt blessed. I may not have had a lot of friends, but I has a good friend that did not judge me and liked me for who I was.
I did not have a lot of freedom. Granny made us practice at every possible chance that we could get. She did not even ask me what I wanted to sing or wear. It was all gospel songs and I was fine with that. I always had a pretty dress on, that Shirley Temple would be jealous of. It did not bother me so much as I thought they were pretty and I already knew that I was a girl in every way.... nearly.
Ronny, My oldest brother hardly came to practice. He continued being mean to me every time he could. Cameron changed though. He no longer teased. He said I was weird, but I was a good singer. Cameron noticed how songs were structured and he loved the lyrics. His new hobby was writing lyrics himself and writing songs.
The Church tour started. It would last 4 months. This meant that we would have 1 or 2 concerts every second day. We quickly had a routine. We would travel in the car for hours. We would study in the back while we drove. This never went so well as I would get car sick. I would look out the window and admire the countryside. Then I would ask again and again if we were there. When we finally came, Granny would then find a bed and breakfast where we could sleep. There was no time to play. We would either be studying or practising or getting dressed for the concert. As I said, sometimes there were 2 concerts a day!
I loved doing the concerts. I had the whole audience captive and I could see how much they enjoyed the show. Everyone would be looking with a smile on their face as they enjoyed the songs. I loved entertaining and giving people a chance to forget their troubles and sorrows. Granny told me that songs can give people comfort and a chance to take a break from life. I felt so free when I was on stage. There was no one bullying me or pressuring me. My goal was to make everyone smile and that the music would touch their soul.
When I came off stage, I was always tired and very thirsty. I would be drinking water while Granny would be telling me what mistakes I had.
We quickly became a success and the church halls were sold out. I was shocked once when someone wanted my autograph. I tried asking the person why she would want my autograph. She just said that she could boast that she met me before I became famous. It was such a success that the priest wanted me to do 25 more concerts. Granny said no as she said overexposure was a bad thing
The driving and sleeping at different places and the many concerts took their toll on me. I loved that we visited so many places, but after a month of it, I was always so tired and did not even want to eat. Granny had no patience with me and told me that when I said yes to something, I had to fulfil the job. As the tour went on, she would be very strict with me. She did not like when I said I was tired or when I cried because I felt as if I could not continue.
The best thing that happened on tour was when Chloe came. She came to my room after the concert and told me that I sang like an angel. She also admitted that she was my biggest fan. It was the first time that I heard I had a fan, and I felt so happy that Chloe was my first one!
The tour ended and I must have slept for days. It was a very hard thing to do as it was constant stress and it affected my body. It was hard on my voice and sometimes I had such a sore throat. It was also hard that I lost so much weight. It was also hard on my mind. I was under constant pressure from granny and I wanted to be my best on stage. The best was when I was on stage. I was alone and I was free to do what I wanted. I felt like the audience could respect me for my talent and not think how weird I was.
The tour was over and I was back at school. I was back to the old life I had. It was as if the popularity I had during the Church tour was a dream. Some from the school had seen me but that did not change their view about me. They still treated me as if I was a misfit. It wasn't long after I started at school that a group of boys started pushing me all over the place, and hitting me. They told me that singing at a few churches did not make me famous and I should not feel that I was important. They called me a sissy and a wimp. It didn't help that I was crying.
Another thing changed at school. Chloe had a new friend. He was a new boy that started at the school when I was on tour. His name was Nick and he seemed nice enough. Chloe insisted that we could all be friends. I was not so sure about this. I considered Nick as a competition and thought that he would take Chloe from me. He did nothing to show he wanted to do this. Nick was always nice to me. I suppose that I was just not used to children wanting to be my friend.
The tour did give me exposure. The agent visited us one day as he wanted to speak with us. The Vatican would be having a celebration that would be televised worldwide. The Pope himself heard a bad quality tape of one of our concerts and wanted us to perform at the Vatican. We would be on television for the whole world. Granny quickly accepted the deal. "The Sullivans" would be going to the Vatican.
Ronny did not want to do it. He hated performing and he did not like singing. Besides this, he was afraid that people found out that I was a sissy. It was bad enough that he was my brother, Granny would get mad at them and remind me that I could be a role model to children that were confused about their identity.
I could see that Nick wanted to be my friend. I agreed that I would visit his house. He was an only child. I was shocked when I saw his bedroom. It was a girls bedroom. Nick begged me not to tease him and was relieved when I said his bedroom was cool. It was then that he admitted that he was allowed to be a girl at home. He was transgender and felt like he should be a girl and not a boy. He told me that I was not alone. We spent all afternoon trying on his dresses and other girl clothes he had. I loved wearing the dresses and loved the girl that was looking back at me when I looked in the mirror. Nick was so happy that we could play dress up and to be honest, it is one of the best memories I have as a child.
When I came home, Dad was there. Granny was sitting on her chair crying. Dad was shouting that no way should I go to the Vatican as a sissy!
To be continued.
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Idol
Idol - 1977- Age 8
The road to Fame is hard, No one asks Dakota what he wants.
Idol - 1977- Age 8
(the previous chapters have been rewritten)
The Pope wanted us to perform at the Vatican. When Dad heard about this, he visited us and put his foot down. He was very religious and very Catholic and the Vatican meant a lot to him. It was a sacred place. One would think that he would be honoured that we were invited to play for the Pope. He even said he was. The thing was that it would be an embarrassment if I performed for the Pope. Dad explained that a boy living as a girl was against Gods wishes and plans. In a way, I was sinning. He would not allow me to deceive the Pope and Catholics around the world by looking like a girl. He could not allow this controversy and embarrassment
Granny was both sad, disappointed and mad. She knew that this was our chance and a chance like this would not come again. She could not change Dads opinion about this. He legally had custody over us, despite that we lived with Granny. We needed Dads permission to go travel to the Vatican.
As usual, no one asked me what I wanted to do. I know Cameron was delighted as he hated performing in our group. The atmosphere in the house was very stressful over the next few weeks. Granny was moody and cursed Dad all the time. It also reminded me of how mad Dad was when he found out I was in a pageant. It caused a fight between him and my mom that resulted in a car crash and the death of my mother. Once again, It was my fault that everyone in the house was at war with each other.
I spent a whole weekend watching Shirley Temple films. She was the most famous person in the world when she was my age. It was something that I thought a lot about. I knew that Moms wish was that I would be as famous as Shirley Temple, and I failed at doing that. Maybe the reason that I was not famous was that I lived as a girl. It was very controversial and so many people thought it was wrong. Remember this was 1977 and people were not as tolerant as they are now. I lived most of my life as a girl. I considered myself a girl. I was happy being a girl. People like Dad did not care about this. They thought I should be a boy because of my body.
I could not concentrate at school. I was sad and worried. I did not like when people fought about me. Chloe and Nick did their best to cheer me up. They tried telling me that I was happy as a girl. Nick thought that I was brave, as he also considered himself a girl but would never show this side of him in public. Chloe told me that I should just have fun and enjoy being a child. If I wanted to be famous, I could do it as an adult. She also asked if fame was something that I wanted, or was it something that others wanted? This made me think. Was I doing this because I wanted to or was it because it was the wish of Granny and my mother?
Granny and Dad continued their war. Granny was threatening Dad that she would take him to court over custody of us. I heard her tell Dad that it was him that ran from his responsibilities when mom died. He never did want us to live with him. Besides that, he only was interested in my brothers. He never hugged me or showed any love towards me, He hardly ever spoke with me. I do not know what Dad answered as this was on the telephone.
The fighting continued. I was becoming more and more depressed. It was not because I did not have a chance to go to the Vatican. It was because people were fighting over me. I snuck out of the house one day and went to the church. This was an adventure as I never was outside like this alone. I met the priest at the Church and started crying. I told him my life story. I was born a boy but now live as a girl. Dad did not want me to go to the Vatican because he thought I was a sinner. This was not what I was worried about. I did not like when people fought about me. The priest was quiet for some time and told me he would drive me home. He would speak with Granny and Dad,
Dad was at Grannies house. Granny rang to him as she thought that I ran away. They were both happy to see me. Then they got mad that I was on my own. I was grounded.
The priest sat down and talked with them while I was sent to my room. I could not hear what they were saying. I could hear Dad raise his voice once in a while while he was mad. It was hard just sitting there and waiting. I felt like they were talking about how strange I was. It was as if my feeling and living as a girl were being judged? Was I a sinner? Did God hate me because I lived as a girl? Would Dad love me if I acted like a boy?
After what seemed like ages, I was asked to come back and speak with them. The priest told me that they have discussed the problem at length and decided to compromise. It was decided that from now on. At home, I could be a girl, but when I was in public, I would be a boy. This was just like Nick. I should have had no problem with it. I did have a problem! Why does no one ever ask me what I wanted? I have been living as a girl for a long time, and I felt like I was one. Now they wanted me to pretend to be a boy. What would happen at school when I was suddenly a boy?
This meant over the next few days, I had new clothes that were for a boy. I sighed every time granny put some boys clothes in my wardrobe. They were not pretty and they were coarse and itchy. I did not feel like myself when I wore them. My hair was cut in a unisex style... I think they called it a pageboy style. So my new life was that I was a girl at home, and when I walked out the door, I was a boy. It was confusing and I felt like I was acting. The only good thing was that there was peace at home. There was no peace in my mind and heart, but at least people were not fighting about me.
The teacher finally tried helping me at school. She explained to the class that sometimes people get confused about who they are.
"Dakota was transgender," She explained, "He tried being a girl and this was despite it was against nature and God's will. Finally, Dakota has got wise. He knows that he is a boy and now will live as a boy. We need to support Dakota in this decision. We must forget on how he has acted until now, and let him know that his decision to be a boy is wise."
I was so embarrassed over the teacher's plea. Once again people did not care what makes a person comfortable and happy. People were so quick to judge. The plea did not help. My classmates still teased me. I was still a sissy and a baby in their eyes. They said I may have worn boys clothes, but I still looked like a girl. The bullying became worse, as they thought I was a freak. It was only my friendship with Chloe and Nick that helped me to survive.
It was time for us to travel to the Vatican. It was such an exciting trip. I was never on an aeroplane before. It was so strange being in Italy. The people were different, the buildings were different. They even spoke another language. We stayed at a nice hotel and spent a lot of time practising. Dad was also there, as he could not miss the opportunity of meeting the Pope. So this meant that practising became more of a chore. We now had both Granny and Dad telling us how we should perform. This was bad enough, but Ronny was complaining all the time. Granny explained that he was now 15, and he was at an age where teenagers rebelled.
We did have some time to visit some tourist attractions in Rome. I loved doing this. We visited old Roman ruins, as well as museums and Churches. We were given a very impressive tour of the Vatican. Being a tourist in Rome was one of the happiest experiences of my life. I felt as if we were a normal family and there was no fighting. It was even strange to see Dad having a good time and smiling.
It was time for the concert. We all wore jumpsuits that reminded me of something someone would wear in prison. The jumpsuits were white and they had fake shiny diamonds sewn in them. I was a nervous wreck before the show. It was being televised all over the world. I was afraid my voice would fail me, I would forget how I should move or forget the words. This did not happen. We performed some Gospel songs and everything went as it should. At times, when I glanced at the Pope, he was smiling. I was once again doing something that I loved. I was entertaining people.
The reviews on our performance were great. They praised my performance the most and wrote that I looked and sang like an angel. They also predicted that we could be as big as the Jackson 5 or The Osmonds. We were delighted about the reviews. Dad warned us not to get bloated heads. We should not think that we were anything special.
The Pope wanted to speak with me. So I met the Pope. He started by saying he was quite surprised that I was a boy, as he hard "The Sullivans" had a girl as a lead singer. I did not know what to say, so I tried changing the subject telling the Pope that it was an honour performing for the Vatican. The Pope smiled and told me to remember that I had a gift, and I had a chance to be an instrument of God with this gift. I could make a difference in peoples lives. He advised me to keep God as a friend, and to be happy for who I was, and not what people wanted me to be.
The trip to the Vatican ended and life went back to normal. I was still bullied by the boys that thought I had no talent and just wanted attention. The girls on the other hand suddenly stopped being mean to me. They thought I was now famous and wanted to be my friend. This was a bit hard, as I did not know if they liked me or the fact that I was on TV. I did not trust their intentions, so I spent most of my time with Chloe and Nick. They often visited me at home, where I was having "girl time"
The agent had good news and bad news. The good news is that I was being offered a 3 album contract with Supremity Records. The bad news was that they just wanted me and did not want my brothers. At first, Granny and Dad refused to sign this contract. The royalties were very low and they insisted that my brothers were also a part of the contract. Ronny then insisted that he did not want this. He did not want to be famous. So the contract was signed.
Over the next few months, I started to record at a small studio. It would be a Gospel album, as that would be a good way to profit from the Vatican show. It was hard doing the album, as I had no say in anything. The record company picked the songs, the producer and the musicians. My job was just to sing and sing the way that I was told to sing. I will be honest, most of the songs did not mean a lot to me. I had no connection to them. As they were new, I never sang them before and the lyrics were not even personal. I could not sing them the way I wanted to. I just did what I was told.
The albums name was "Hope." I suppose this was what the record company thought, they hoped that they were not wasting time on me. I knew I was at a crossroads in my life. This album could be the answer to Moms dream that I would be famous.
It was so hard counting the days down to when "Hope" would finally be released.
To be Continued
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Idol
Idol - 1978- Age 9
The time for Dakota to be famous has come
Idol - 1978- Age 9
I finished the album called "Hope". I expected that the album would be in the shops straight away, but was told that was not the way it worked. I met with the record company boss whose name was Mr Spenser. He explained that things would take time as they had to plan everything from the album cover to how it would be promoted. Mr Spenser explained that things had to be done right, as he expected me to be a star. I was impatient and wanted everyone to hear my work.
Granny and dad did not fight as much. She told me that I was a girl, except at school and when I was at the record company. This was confusing for me. How could I be a girl sometimes and then a boy at other times? I did not want to think so much about it. I was happiest when I was dressed as a girl. The clothes were comfortable and I felt pretty. I think Granny knew this, and this is why she let me be a girl as much as possible. She even went against the agreement she made with Dad, and let me be a girl outside the house. This led to some confusion if someone from my class had seen me. They were told by our teacher that I was now a boy.
My brothers were now teens. Ronny was 16 and Cameron was 14. Granny could see how puberty changed them. They now looked like men. She also noticed that their voice had changed and was worried that this would happen to me. I always considered it as a joke when Granny said that it was a shame that I would grow up. Granny was very serious and was afraid that as I got older, my voice would change. She often discussed with Dad that we had to protect my voice. This caused arguments with Dad, that said that it would not harm my career when my voice broke. He said Elvis had a deep voice and he was the king. Granny wanted me to have shots, but Dad put his foot down and said he did not want me to get girl hormones.
I had other things to think about. When I was recording "Hope", I had no choice in the songs or how it would be done. The album sounded like folk music which people sang in pubs when they were drunk. Only one song was a bit funky but I did not like the way it was done. I honestly did not like the songs on the album. The songs were also very religious, which would have sounded better if the music was gospel. I was not even proud of my work. I knew that it was nothing that I would listen to on the radio.
Dad was now my manager and I tried telling him that I was not happy with the result. Dad got mad and asked me how do I know what would be popular or not? The record company used its best producers and songwriters. Dad reminded me that I was only 9 and did not understand how the world worked. He told me singing Barbie music and songs about girl things would not make me a star. My job was to do as I was told and to look cute.
I was dressed as a boy at school, but it did not mean that I had friends. My classmates could not understand what a transgender is and why any boy would want to wear a dress. The teacher told them that I was no longer transgender and that I was now a boy. This confused the classmates more as they still have seen me in public with a dress on or something girly. At least I had Chloe and Nicky as friends. Otherwise, I would be very lonely.
I did not have a lot of time for my two friends, as the record company wanted me to model for pictures. The pictures were for the album cover and promotion pictures and posters. I thought that it was fun modelling for the pictures. I was wearing denim shorts and a black tank top with a gold cross planted on it. The album would be a picture of me jumping in the air with my hands stretched above me as if I wanted to fly. I was smiling in the picture. It was strange seeing my name on an album. I was sure that mom was looking down from heaven and thinking that she knew that I would be famous. I wondered if the album would even sell. I was thinking of who would pay to hear me singing?
There were problems at home. Ronny was now 16 and always getting into trouble. He often came home after he has been in some fight. Sometimes he came home after midnight. I could see that granny was very worried about him. She did not know what to do. This meant that there were always a lot of fights between them. It was shortly after I modelled pictures for the album that Ronny came home late. He was very drunk. This led to an argument with Granny. The argument became bad when Ronny pushed Granny so Granny ended up on the floor.
After this happened, then Granny told dad that she could no longer take care of Ronny. She was now afraid of him. Ronny moved in with dad and my stepmom. I wondered if all this was my fault. I was given a lot of attention because of my career. Maybe Ronny felt like he got no attention and that he had no talent. I noticed when he argued with Granny that he blamed me for all the problems.
Nick and I visited each other still. We would play princess dress up as we tried on different dresses that he had or that I had. Then we would have a tea party or play with dolls. I liked Nicky a lot. He also dressed as a girl at home and a boy when we were at school. He asked me if I wanted to be a girl all the time. I know that he wanted. After thinking about it, I told him that being transgender would hurt my career and besides that, it made Dad mad. Nick would laugh and say I was the only 9-year old that had a career.
One day Granny told me that we would be taking a walk downtown. We would not shop, but we could window shop, which was just as fun. As we went by the record shop, we could see my record in the window. This was a strange moment for me. All my life I was being told that I would be as famous as Shirley Temple, and now the time has come where my album was in the window. How many children my age experienced this? I was now finally famous. I had to smile though. No one would ask me for my autograph as I was wearing a top and skirt with tights.
Granny talked constantly about my album and it could mean that we could move to a better house. I could get all the toys I wanted and especially a new bike. I could also get the prettiest dresses that a girl could ever wish for. My brothers would also get the things that they wanted. Even Dad would be happy, as he would get a share because he was my manager.
Without Dad's permission, Granny took me to a doctor. I was given a shot with a huge needle. The doctor explained that it was a puberty blocker. The doctor said that this would stop the boy's hormones which meant that my voice would not change and I would not get body hair as men had. This meant no beard! I screamed when he had done this. The needle was very big. I hated needles! I didn't think if this was right or wrong or what Dad would think. I trusted in Granny. Looking back at this, I don't know if I would have let the doctor do it if I knew the consequences. The doctor told me that he would give me female hormones when I was older.
I was now allowed out to play by myself. Usually, Cameron let me hang around with his friends. Since Ronny left to live with dad, Cameron was much nicer to me. His friends thought I was strange. I was small for my age and they thought I was too girly. They even said that they listened to my album, and besides that it sucked, I sounded like a girl. Cameron did his best to protect me and stand up for me which was new. It didn't matter. The children at school said the same. They thought "hope" was crap.
Dad heard that I got blockers. He was mad at Granny and me. He thought it was a sin and nothing good came come from it. This meant constant fights every time he visited. Then suddenly he agreed with it. He heard that my voice would not change, and this meant that I could be a child star for longer. He did put his foot down about getting girl hormones. This would be against the will of God and it would make me look strange. I agreed with Dad. I did not want to go to hell.
Despite everyone's wish that I finally would find fame, it did not come. There were no Talk shows that wanted to talk with me or newspapers and magazines. This was because "Hope" flopped. It did not even enter the top 100. It sold a few thousand records. This was sad, but at the same time, I could understand it. There was no strong song that could be released as a single and I even was not proud of it. Dad and the record company decided everything, even how I looked. When I would come up with a suggestion, they would tell me I was too young.
Everyone at school teased that it was a flop. I was told that I was a wannabe and had no talent. Even the teachers asked me if I thought that people liked my talent? This made me very sad, as singing was the only thing I was good at. "Hope" failed and I felt as if I was a failure. I was too young to be a failure.
Chloe tried to cheer me up and suggested that we went window shopping. This was great fun, as I figured that maybe the failure of "Hope" would mean that I could have a normal childhood. Chloe and I were wearing identical summer dresses as we walked around town. Chloe also admitted that she was happy that I was not famous. She read that sometimes fame went to people's heads and they became idiots. She was also afraid I would not have time for her if I was famous. I had to smile at Chloe. She always knew how to cheer me up.
Dad visited us that night and he was very mad. He saw Chloe and me walking around town. Dad had seen me in a dress. He kept on asking Granny if they did not have a deal, that I would only be a sissy at home? When Dad calmed down, he sat next to me. He gave his speech on how God created man and woman, and how we had to do God's will. A boy dressing as a girl was not God's will. Then he went on about explaining what sin was and this became quite scary. I concentrated on some dust on the TV and did my best not to hear about the fires of hell.
My agent visited us and said the record company was disappointed with hope, but I should have "hope" about my future. They wanted me to record a second album. Dad was telling about some ideas that he had. I interrupted by saying I won't do another album if they don't listen to my ideas.
Dad and the agent looked shocked!
Idol
Idol - 1979- Age 10
Dakota tries to achieve his mom's wish, to be famous
I put my foot down when my agent said that we would be doing a new album. I tried telling him and Dad that if they listened to me the last time, "Hope" may not have been such an embarrassment. I told them it should be pop music and ballads. It did not have to be all religious. It had to be something that would be played on the radio. This did not go well. The agent reminded me that I cannot say no as I signed a contract. I had to do what the record company said. Dad was mad and told the agent to leave it up to me
Dad was mad at me. He said that he was ashamed of me. He thought I was raised to accept when people were helping me and not be such a diva. He asked me if I considered the flop of "Hope" was because I did not do my best? Did I ever consider that some may have thought that I was a sissy because of my long hair and looked girly? Dad continued scolding me by saying that I was still a child, so I had to do what others said.
Dad stormed out of the house. It seemed as if the only time he ever spoke with me was when he was mad at me or wanted to be my manager. He did not treat me as a son he loved. He just thought I could make him rich. I suppose that Dad still blamed me for the death of my mother. I started to cry as I was thinking about one bad thing after another bad thing. Without thinking, I reached for a pacifier in my drawer and put it in my mouth. When I realized what I have done, I noticed how relaxing the pacifier made me and how safe I felt.
Granny did not help me. She changed a lot over the last few months. It was as if she was going crazy or something. When she saw me with the pacifier, she asked if my diaper needed changing. This made me remind Granny that I was 10 years old, which confused her more. All this made me think of if Granny could even take care of us. I am sure that Dad noticed Granny's mental state, but it seemed that he did not care. Once again, I doubted that he loved us or wanted the responsibility. Why did he even want to be my manager?
Cameron changed a lot. He used to give me a hard time by teasing me and bullying me. This changed last year when Ronny left home to live with Dad. Now Cameron was nice to me. He knew that I was feeling stressed over a new album and invited me to shop with him. When we were looking at different shops, he told me that he understood why I felt sad. So many people were deciding and not giving me a chance, and everyone had high expectations. Then Cameron smiled and told me it was his job to cheer me up. He took me to a small shop and said my ears will be pierced. I was reluctant about this, but Cameron said every girl had pierced ears. I ended up with a stud in each ear. When I looked in the mirror, I felt so pretty.
Of course, when Dad visited me, he was not so happy about the ears being pierced. He told me that it made me look gay. I was unsure what gay even meant. I heard this being said in school but never fully meant what it meant. Dad told me that he had no time to talk about my sissy ways. He reminded me once again that "Hope" was a flop. Dad thought that I had an easy job to do. I just had to do what was told and do my best at recording the album. I was only a child. I had to let the professionals do what they wanted to do. I tried to answer, but Dad would not listen to me.
I was constantly using the pacifier when someone was not looking. It made me feel like a baby and this is what I secretly wanted. I wanted to get rid of the stress and the pressure that I felt. All my life, I was told that I was to be as famous as Shirley Temple. I did not have a life like other children. I was constantly practising or singing at the Church. I do not remember when anyone spoke to me about normal things. All I heard was when people talked about fame or talked if I was allowed to dress up as a girl or not. Now the record company wanted me to do another record. They lost a lot of money on my first record and I felt like I was a failure. I did not know if I wanted to experience another flop. I felt so much pressure that this was my last chance to make everyone's dreams come true.
This became so bad that I burst out crying when I was playing with Chloe and Nicky. They were talking about the summer holidays they would go on. Both were going to be at a beach. For some reason, this made me cry. I could not remember a time when I was at a beach. I told them about the pressure I felt. I told them that I was weird. I was born a boy but was treated as a girl. Sometimes I liked being a boy and sometimes I felt like a girl. I was not allowed to be a child. I was expected to fulfil people's dreams and be a success. I was the tool for people to be very rich.
I admitted to Cole and Nicky that I felt at times that I wanted to be a baby. I even used pacifiers. I was going crazy. Nicky and Chloe hugged me. They told me they could never do what I did. They also were my friends not because I was talented, but because I was a nice person. They did not care if I was a success, transgendered or a baby. They loved what was in my heart.
This made me think. My oldest brother was now 18 and he was a lost cause. He spent all his time with some low life friends that were always drunk or high on drugs. I felt sorry for him. He could not see how he could fit in society and lost faith in himself. Just like the pacifier was an escape for me, drugs and alcohol were an escape for him. This made me think that I was weak as well and could replace the pacifier with drugs that would end up destroying my life.
Mr Spenser, the record company boss, called me in to talk with him. He said the same as Dad. The record company spent a lot of money on me. I had the talent and I needed to trust the people that helped me. Mr Spenser told me that the next album would be pop, which would help me to be on the radio and so forth. The record company would be spending lots of money on the best songwriters and the best producers. Now I just had to do my magic!
I would soon be recording the new album and I was not in the right state of mind. I was afraid of failing again and suddenly being famous was nothing I wanted. Besides how I felt, I had another problem. I started wetting the bed. This was so embarrassing and it was nothing that I could keep a secret. I tried to hide the wet sheets in a hamper every day, but in the end, Granny noticed the wet sheets. She asked me about it, and that just made me cry. Her answer did not help me either, she just said that all small girls wet the bed.
It was time to record the new album. Despite that I was afraid of doing this album, I quickly found out that it was fun to do. The songs were more pop and songs that I would listen to on the radio. I was once again doing something that I loved and that I was good at! I was having fun. The producer's name was Mr Sandalwood. He produced some of the top stars in the world. In the beginning, he was a grumpy old man, which made it clear that he did not want to produce an album by a child. At the end of the recording, he was much nicer. He told me that I was very professional and talented. He thought that my singing was magical. I had to smile every time he said that!
The album would be called "Sacred Religion". It was an upbeat record that had some pop songs and a funky title song. Some songs were covers of famous songs. Unlike the first album I have done, "Sacred Religion" was something I was proud of and had fun doing. The cover was a picture of me in denim overall and no shirt sitting on a log and looking up towards heaven.
I didn't go to school during the recording. I tried to study when I could but Granny could not help that much. The teacher at the school asked why I was so absent. She did not like the idea that I explained that I had to be in the recording studio. She got mad and told me that it was dangerous to follow dreams that would never come true. She thought that I was a dreamer and this would destroy my life. I did not know what to answer. So far she was right. I did not have any success so far.
" Sacred Religion" was released along with a cover version of the Beatles song "Let it be". I was a bit afraid that once again there was very little hype. It was not even in the window display of the local record shop. Some boys at school must not have liked it, as one day I was punched and beaten badly up. They told me that I should not think that I was anything special. I was just a sissy that thought I was someone important. I was told that sissies are only freaks. This did not matter. I was so hurt that I had to spend several days in bed. I was now afraid to go to school.
When I was recovering in bed, I got more bad news. The single "Let it be" and the album "Sacred Religion" both flopped. They sold a bit less than my previous album. This did not help my humour. Besides I had a career that was a failure, I continued to wet the bed. I did not know what was happening to me, as my pacifier and doll were always with me!
I told granny that I was wetting the bed every night. Then I stammered that I should wear diapers when I slept. Looking back, this was a radical suggestion as drynites and training pants were not even invented. Granny bought some cloth diapers and girly plastic panties that would fit me. In a way I was lucky. Some parents at this time thought bedwetting was such a problem that they punished their children. Granny started diapering me with diapers, and I quickly had no choice but to get used to them. It was not as if I could complain as I did ask for them and it meant that I woke up dry. Besides that, the plastic panties looked pretty.
The record company were disappointed that "Sacred Religion" was not selling. They had one album left on my contract. Mr Spenser told me that there was a clause in my contract where they can cancel it at any time. So I was told that the contract would be cancelled, but they would release the title song. Mr Spenser explained to me that I should not feel like a failure. I had lots of talent, but it seemed as if the world was tired of child stars after the success of the Jacksons and the Osmonds.
In a way, I was not as disappointed as I should have been. Nick told me that I have tried something that many others my age did not try. It could also help me at school that I was now normal. This was not the case. I was bullied even more when others found out that I lost my contract and was a flop. I hated school!
I was surprised when the agent told us that the national talkshow had invited me to perform. The host heard me and wanted me on his show. "Sacred Religions" title song (the same name as the album) was released at the same time. It was a funky song that had a message that we should treat one another with love.
" Teach your children to love one another
Teach them the sacred religion
The Religion of love
This is the divine way"
I loved these lyrics. They were something bullies at school should read."
The performance went great. I was wearing the same clothes as I did on the album cover. My hair was loose down to my shoulder. Dad didn't want anyone to notice my earrings. I had fun. I was thinking that this would be the last huge experience I had in the spotlight. I could always perform again at the Church. I rocked the performance! I did my best and got a standing ovation.
A few weeks later, Mr Spenser rang again. Both the single and album were now high in the charts!
Idol
Idol - 1980- Age 11
Fame is an illusion. A lot of secrets to hide
Both my single and album were now in the top 40 because of the success of the talk show. Dad was disappointed that they did not go to the top 10. I figured that I would never please Dad. The fact that he never paid attention to me or visited me unless it had something to do with singing meant that in a way I wanted to have his attention. I wanted my dad to love me for who I was. I do not think that this was too much to ask.
I suddenly was getting fans. There were articles and pictures of me, especially in the magazines that teens read. The things that the magazines wrote were mostly lying. For one thing, they wrote that I was cute with long hair that was slightly curly. I was supposed to be a skater, that loved biking, the beach and playing soccer. I was a rebel, that wanted long hair like a rockstar and even had my ears pierced. All this was a lie. I never did these things. I suppose it would not have helped me if they wrote the truth. What would the new fans say if they knew that I loved dressing as a girl and living as a girl? What would they say if they knew that mom treated me as a girl and then granny continued this? I don't think they would be my fan if they knew that I wore diapers to bed and always had a pacifier with me.
It was strange that journalists didn't ask anyone in school. Maybe the children at school did not want to admit that they bullied me and constantly teased me for being a sissy that was short for my age. Things were getting bad at school. They were now saying that I was gay, especially because I had earrings in both ears. How was I to know that this was a sign of being gay? To be honest, I did not want any sort of romance. I was just not interested in it. Maybe when I was older, I would be.
Supremity records and Mr Spenser was suddenly interested in me again. They wanted to give me a new contract. This was a bit bad because I was getting used to the fact that I could be normal. I read articles that Michael Jackson was famous and had all the fame he could ever want. However, it came at a huge price. It meant that he had no childhood and he was constantly in the media's eye. I did not want this. I had more secrets than Michael Jackson. The fact was that no one asked me what I wanted. Dad negotiated a new contract where he had creativity rights over anything I did and it would be a 5 album deal with a higher royalty. If things worked out, I would be working very hard at making people rich.
After the contract was signed, Dad and Mr Spenser met with me. They told me that my image was important. They wanted me to be a boy that adults thought was down to earth and cute. They wanted girls to have a crush on me and boys wanted to be me. This meant that I had to become the person they wanted me to be or act the way they wanted me to be. They did not want news that I was a girl most of the time and even wore diapers in bed. The agent said that these fetishes would turn many people off. Dad added that it was about time I grew up and acted the way God wanted me to be.
I never heard of the word fetish before. Maybe it's good we didn't have google when I was young. I don't know how I would have reacted if I googled the word.
It was time to visit the doctor for the blocker shot. I hated that big needle but trusted that the doctor knew it was best for me. I did not quite understand what the blocker did. I understood it helped my voice and meant I would not get a beard. Besides the blocker shot, the doctor mentioned that I was extremely small for my age. I asked was this because I wet the bed? The doctor said no and told me how I could stop wetting the bed. I could drink less and use a bed alarm. In a way, I was now used to the diapers and wanted to continue to wear them.
I was a bit worried that I was so small. This meant that I was quiet over the next few days. Cameron tried to cheer me up by telling me I now got my wish and I was famous. He even bought me some mascara and powder for my cheeks. It was nice that he finally cared for me and that he no longer bullied and teased me. Another interesting thing happened. Cameron showed me some songs he had been working on. I loved them! The music was so catchy and the lyrics were great. Cameron and I would practice the songs where he would play a keyboard. I had so much fun performing Cameron's songs. I tried to persuade Cameron that he should show the record company. Cameron just sighed and said they would not like his songs, and they would say that he was too young.
Cameron did work for me in a way. He read all my fan mail and showed me the ones that he thought I would like. This was good as some of the mail I got was very disgusting and would give anyone nightmares. Some of it was even dangerous. Some wanted to kidnap me and even kill me. I did read some of the mail. It was usually nice that people loved my album and they wanted to see me live. Some loved my long hair and thought I was cool.
It was strange reading what people thought of me. They did not know the truth. I was not the cool rock star that they thought I was. At home, I dressed as a girl and even did what any girl would do. Not only this, but Granny started treating me as a toddler. I was sure she was gone senile. She would give me a bib when I ate or would give me a sippy cup. She even gave me a baby bottle when I was in bed. One day when I came home from some work in the studio, she had a huge crib for me. The thing I did not complain about the treatment. I let her treat me like a toddler! I felt as if I was in a bubble when I was a toddler and there was no pressure or pretence. Being treated like a toddler was being taken care of and protected with no expectations
Another single was released from the album. This was probably to cash in from the sudden success of the album. The record company wanted to know if I was a one-hit-wonder. The single was called "Heart of a Lion". It was a candy pop dance song that had lyrics that made no sense. Despite this, it managed to get in the top 40. It did not sell as well as the previous one, but the record company was quite happy. They wanted me to go on a mini-tour of 10 cities. I was looking forward to this! I loved performing and making people have a good time.
While I was waiting to go on tour, Dad announced that I would not be going to school anymore. I would be homeschooled. The tutor could also come with me when I was on tour. I did not mind this, as I hated school and all I ever experienced was bullying, judgement and hatred. Chloe and Nick were sad that I wouldn't be at school. They told me that they already missed me, and bet that fame would change my personality and I would find other friends. I told them that they were my best friends. I would not change in any way because some people bought an album.
The sudden success meant that I was busy. There were so many that wanted to do interviews and on TV many shows wanted me to perform. Dad had a policy that I should only do the important ones. I loved performing, but interviews were so hard to do. I did not want to talk about the music. They wanted to talk about my personal life. I tried my best to avoid personal questions, as I had a lot to hide. I did not want to discuss why I lived with granny and that she was senile. I did not want people to know that I was a toddler girl at home. I think that Dad was right. If people knew the real me, they would never understand and I would lose what popularity I had. This meant that I had to pretend that I was someone else. This was not easy to do and it took a lot of energy.
It was time to go on the mini-tour. It was only 10 cities, as Dad said it was just to give people a chance to see me. There was no glitter or fancy things at the concerts. It was just me singing. I was once again dressed as a rocker boy, although I did smile that none of them knew I was wearing girl panties underneath. I loved performing and it was great when the audience sang along. It was at this time that I knew that I loved touring as it was when I could see a reaction from the fans. The performances were at theatres, so this meant that you could see how fun people had. The only thing I did not like about touring was the travelling. My tutor wanted me to study and I was so tired of performing and the travel. It was also here that Dad would point out the mistakes I made when I performed.
After the tour, I had some time off. This meant that I was once again living as a toddler girl. Granny was getting more senile every day. She started believing that I was a toddler and this intensified her treatment of me. I did not mind. I felt as if I was in peace. I did not want any interviews or even visits from Chloe or Nick. I felt safe as a toddler girl, but I also knew it was not normal behaviour. It would be more than embarrassing if people found out.
Dad came by one day to tell me that the record company wanted me to do another album. He was not pleased with what he saw. I was taking a nap when he came, so he found me in a crib wearing a onesie with a pacifier in my mouth. Beside me was an empty baby bottle. Despite I was not wearing a diaper, I looked in every way like a toddler. Dad lost his temper and shouted that he put up with a son that wears dresses, he put up with a son that wet the bed... but this was the limit. He stormed out of the house.
The next few months were hard for me. Granny refused to let me live with Dad so she took dad to court to get custody of me. Dad fought granny in court and wanted me out of her house. I was afraid that the court case would reveal all my secrets, but Dad did not mention them. He told the court that he was now ready to take care of me and that granny was now old and senile. The press was having a field day about the court case. They did not think it was a battle over me, they thought it was a battle over any money I had or my career. The record company was delighted about the court case. They said it was publicity, and it would just mean that my fans would have sympathy for me.
The court announced that Cameron and I would be living with Dad. So it was one of the saddest times in my life when I packed and said goodbye to granny. I knew that this would break Grannie's heart and felt as if it was my fault.
As soon as I was home with Dad he told me about the changes in my life. I would no longer get puberty blockers. I would no longer be allowed to dress or act like a girl and I would not allow any things that a toddler had. He showed that he meant business by snatching the pacifier out of my mouth and throwing my suitcase out
What could I do except cry?
Idol
Idol - 1981- Age 12
Living with Dad brings unwanted changes
I missed Granny. Living with Dad was like living in a concentration camp. He threw away all my clothes, toys, dolls and baby things. I still had to use diapers at nighttime but not my pacifier. If I was normal, I would have appreciated this. In a year I would be a teenager. Dad wanted me to be a normal teenage boy that dressed and acted like any other boy. Granny treated me as a toddler girl, but I think it was out of love for me and she wanted me to be myself. I did not think that Dad did this out of love. He did it because of his religious beliefs and my career.
The only time that Dad ever spoke with me was when it was to tell me how a boy should act or to talk about my career. I was about to do a film and record my third album. Dad would tell me what he expected and what I should do. It was as usual a lot of expectation and pressure on me. Who knows if people had enough of me and the next album would be a success. As for the film, who knew if I could even act. I often thought that most boys were worried about the next exams and had a paper route. I had a job that adults had and could be retired before others my age even started a job!
As I said, Cameron and I often had fun where he would show me a song he had written and I would sing it. His songs were different and I loved them. They were pop but not like other songs on the radio. They were fresher. Maybe it was because Cameron was 17 and he knew what young people liked. I tried telling Dad that we should use Cameron's songs for the next album. Dad told me to leave those things up to him. He did not think that Cameron had any talent. I tried to tell Dad that he should listen, but he would not even hear. He said that I was an instrument of God. My voice is a gift and it should be used in the service of God. Dad said my next album would be a gospel album.
I was getting ready to do the film and did not have so much free time. Chloe visited me one day and was quite upset with me. She was mad that I did not visit her for ages and I had even forgotten her birthday. I tried to explain to her that I have been busy between my career, the court case and getting used to living with Dad. I even tried to tell Chloe about the film. Chloe stormed off while crying that I no longer needed her as a friend. When she went stepmom hugged me and said, "Let's hope you did not lose the first friend you ever had. Friends will want to see you for who you are and not your career. You indeed have a talent for singing and you have had some success. Do not let this define who you are. Let your personality and good heart define you."
I believed in what stepmom said. She was the only one that did not see me as an idol or transgendered. She saw me as who I was!
It was time to do the film. It was based on a true story of two princes in England that were imprisoned by their mean uncle and ended up being murdered. It was a sad story of the civil war and the princes that were victims. I do not know how much I liked acting, as we had to do each screen countless times. The director was very strict on where I should stand and how I should act. I was used to doing what I was told but was insecure about my abilities to act. The one thing I did like was the clothes. They were silky and I wore leggings. The leggings reminded me of tights, which I was no longer allowed to wear. Dad said nothing, but he was demanding about other things. There was even one stage where the director demanded that Dad be escorted off the set! Needless to say, Dad vowed we would never work with that director again!
This was when I found out that Dad was not liked by everyone. I don't know if I loved him. I do know that I was afraid of him. We never had a conversation. Dad would only tell me what his next plans were for me and what I should do. He tried to wipe away my past as a girly boy away by forbidding everything that I was used to. He even told me he did not want me wearing diapers to bed and reminded me that I was no longer a baby. He warned me that if I wet the bed, I could sleep in my puddle of urine. Stepmom tried to stand up for me, but I think she was afraid of Dad as well.
I was waiting to start recording my next album and the film was under post-production. Dad still made me work. He had me performing at festivals and anywhere someone wanted to hear me. On top of that there I had to go to a photo studio every week to take promotion pictures. I knew that these would be in magazines and on teenagers' walls. It was strange to think a picture of me would be up in some bedroom I would never see. At times I just wanted to do normal things a child my age would do. At the same time, I had no clue what a child my age did.
Ronny was now 19, and he was still as mean as he ever was. He did not study or work and just hung around his gang. He hated me and still bullied me. He thought I had money because of the success I had. He would not believe that I never saw a penny of it. Ronny even threatened me by saying the press would pay him a lot of money to hear about my secrets. He asked would I like the press to know that I liked being a sissy that wet the bed?
Living with Dad made me so depressed and it was as if I was living in fear. I missed my mom and I missed granny. I was afraid of my dad and Ronny. I was afraid that my success would stop. I realized that I was depressed and living in fear. One day when I asked once again if we could use Cameron's songs, Dad got mad and started screaming. I do not know why I did it, but I wet myself on purpose. This made Dad get even madder. He found a wooden spoon and waved it at me, threatening that he would beat me until I could be how he wanted me to be. It was only when Stepmom stepped between him and me, that I was safe. She calmed dad down by saying what would the press say if they knew that I was hit?
It was about this time that I became a rebel. One day while we were looking at photos of me at the studio, I sneaked into Mr Spenser's office. I showed him a demo tape that had me singing songs that Cameron sang. I begged Mr Spenser if we can use some of Cameron's songs on the album. Mr Spenser listened to them and said that it would be too much of a risk. I used my puppy eyes to persuade him that we had nothing to lose. He had a choice to do Dad's gospel album that would not even sell or take a chance. Mr Spenser said he would give Cameron a chance, and he even persuaded Dad even though Dad had creative rights. I would bet that Dad smelled more money as now Cameron would also be getting a share.
It was shortly after this that I got an idea when I was homeschooled. The teacher was a pessimist and would tell me how screwed up the world is. There was famine and many people did not even have human rights. We could die at any time if a nuclear weapon fell on us. This did not help my depression and I was afraid of another thing. I talked with Cameron about it and we decided we would write a song about how hard it was that we could not solve the problems of the world. The song's name was "Oh little ones".
It was time to enter the studio and record the album. The album had Cameron's songs and I loved doing every minute of it. We had the same musicians as the last album and the same producer, so I felt at home recording the album. My voice was still soprano and the producer said I never sang better. The album was pop, radio-friendly and sounded very modern and new. I loved it. Even if it flopped, I would be proud of it. It was named "Can sing forever" and the only thing I did not like was the album cover. It had me wearing Adidas shorts and I was shirtless. I knew the record company wanted to promote me as a teen sex symbol. But I felt as if I was too young to be that, especially when the record company said I was younger than I was.
Things did not change at home. Dad was still a tyrant and was always mad at me. One day I was looking at one of my stepmom's women's magazines. Dad started calling me a sissy and gay, and he would never be proud of me. I ran into my bedroom and started crying. Stepmom came in and gave me a pink pacifier, saying that she knew that it helped me to relax and cut out the things I did not like. I was told that I could keep it, once I hid it so Dad did not know.
The record company released a single called "Say No". It was a song Cameron wrote about people like Ronny, that said yes to drugs and alcohol and had no future. The song had a video of me dressed in a sparkly mini Elvis suit dancing around a coffin. The video was shown on a new TV station called MTV. The song entered the top 20, and it looked as if it would perform like my previous singles.
Then a news article was released. Ronny carried out his threat and told the press about Mom's death. It was heartbreaking that I had to read that Mom died in a car accident when Dad and Mom were arguing about me. It was like reliving the whole thing once again and feeling the guilt once again. The funny thing is that my bad memories meant that people sympathised with me and "Say No" shot up the charts and was now at number one!
Dad did not seem to care I had my first number one. It must also have bought back memories for him. He told me that it was about time that I cut my hair. Stepmom tried to remind Dad that my long hair was part of my image. Dad did not care. He wanted my hair cut. I was in tears and shouted that under no circumstances would I cut my hair. I stormed into my room and locked the door. Dad never carried out the threat. The news article about mom's death must have hurt him. It also made me think that Dad hated me and blamed me.
"Can sing forever" was released and it entered the charts at number one. It was now that I felt as if I fulfilled moms wish. I was finally famous and an idol just like Shirley Temple. I visited granny to tell her the good news. She was not so senile that she did not recognise me, but she did ask why I was dressed as a boy. "A girl like you should always look pretty and her best." I talked to granny about the success I was having while she braided my hair. She interrupted my boasting by telling me she did not need to know about my career, she could read about that. She wanted to talk about my life. There was not much to say.
Shortly after "Oh little ones" was released as a single, and it was my second number one! I could not celebrate this success as Dad told me that Granny died.
Idol
Idol - 1982- Age 13
Being what others wants me to be is not easy
Grannies funeral was a circus. I would have prefered a personal moment in which I could say goodbye to granny. The press was hiding behind the trees and bushes taking one picture after another one. There would be pictures in newspapers of me crying at a funeral. Dad told me not to mind the press, as it was part of being a celebrity. I did mind them. I had enough going on in my head besides putting a show on for the press. Granny was the only person that understood me. She was the person that took care of me and wanted me to be happy. I lost my mom and granny and was left with Dad. I did not have anything good to say about my Dad.
I was now a teen. This meant that puberty was slowly starting and this was exciting. I was on my way to becoming an adult. This meant that I could dress how I wanted and do what I wanted. I would have my own money! The one confusing thing for me to figure out was my identity. I knew I was born a boy. Mom and Granny treated me as a baby girl. Dad thought I was a sissy that needed to be cured. I missed the pretty dresses and the attention I got. It made me think about what I wanted. Did I want to be transgendered or not? There would be a time when I would be allowed to decide
The film about the two princes was released. It was a hit. My Album was also a huge success with a few singles that were top 10. All this meant that moms dream that I would be famous came true. I still could not understand if I wanted fame or not. I was delighted that people liked my album so much that they would pay for it. I found it exciting when I would be told how singles were doing in the charts. It was hard to believe that "Can Sing forever" sold 8 million albums. It was also strange hearing my songs on the radio. The thing was that people wanted me to be famous all my life and now that this was a reality, I wondered what would happen next? What would happen when people had enough of me?
Dad now worked full time as my manager. I did not know how much money I was making and to be honest, I never thought of royalties or how rich we were. Dad told me that I could get the money when I was 18. I knew that we were well off. Dad started wearing expensive suits and even bought a fancy sports car. He also drank a lot of expensive wine. As I said, It never occurred to me that it was my money that was paying for all this.
I was very lonely. Cameron was now old enough and lived in his own apartment. He left home as soon as he was 18. I missed him so much. He was the only person in the world that liked me for who I was and did not have any demands or expectations. He was not like Ronny, that was all the time high or drunk, and just spoke to us when he wanted money from Dad. Stepmom was nice, but she was so afraid of Dad and found it hard to protect me. I still loved when I cuddled against her on the sofa where she would try and talk about normal things.
Fame meant that I could not walk out in public. I would be surrounded by fans and this was dangerous. They pushed and poked and tried to take a piece of me. I was told that I could not be alone in public. This made me more lonely. I told Dad that I missed Chloe and Nick. I have not seen them for a long time. Dad's reaction was not to be childish. Stepmom tried to defend me by saying that everyone needed friends. She insisted that If I was sad, This would show in my work and make it worse. Dad ended up agreeing that I could see them when I had time. I immediately rang Nick and Chloe and told them that I could see them.
It was not as if I had time to see anyone. Dad signed another contract for a film. It was about Jesus when he was a boy. Dad was very religious so he thought this would be a good film for me and the world. I was not as excited. I did not like doing movies. You had to do things at the right time and right place. It was hard being someone else. In this film, I would be trying to be Jesus. This was scary in a way
It is not as if I had a choice. Dad was very dominant and demanding. He did not listen to others. He was my manager who decided what I should do and took all the credit for the success. He was never satisfied with my performance. He also thought I did something wrong. At home, it was just as bad. He was not my dad. He was my manager at home. He was very worried about my image. This meant that any feminine signs that I showed resulted in a punishment. Dad could stop me from wearing what he called sissy clothes, but he could do nothing about the bedwetting. I still wore a diaper in the bed. Stepmom told me once that it was because of the stress I was under and in some ways, it made me feel safe. I think she was right.
Ronny was now 20. He was a drug addict and an alcoholic. He did nothing but hang around with low lives. He still hated me and thought I was weird. Despite he was my brother, he always threatened to tell the press everything. This scared me. I think it also scared Dad as well. Ronny's lifestyle had Dad kick him out of the house. This left me alone with Dad. The only people that understood me now were my stepmom and my new bodyguard. His name was John. He was a giant and always wore sunglasses. He did not say much and was always serious. This became a game for me to try and make him smile.
Chloe and Nick were allowed to visit me again. The first time they came was very awkward. They told me that they were even in doubt that they would come. They thought that fame changed me and I no longer wanted to see them. I apologised and explained so many people were controlling what I did and this took a lot of time. I talked about fame and how people wanted to make money off of me. I missed having friends who did not worship me as an idol or made demands of them. I begged for their forgiveness and a second chance. It ended up in a hug. I knew that I had two good friends, that loved me for who I was and could forgive me!
I started seeing Nick and Chloe a lot more. Nick was in a crisis in his life. He accepted that he was gay and wondered how society would accept him. I told him that he should be proud of who he was. It was the society that had a problem, and not him. He had many years to figure out what it meant to be gay as he was still too young to do smoochy things. This made him laugh. Nick's revelation also made me think. What if I was gay? The media would have a field trip and it would destroy my career. In a way, Nick was lucky.
Chloe noticed that I no longer was girly, except for my long hair. I tried to explain to her that I had to be careful about my public image. Dad did not want me to be a sissy. It made Chloe mad that people considered it a sissy. She never thought I was transgender or anything like that. She thought I was a boy that did not mind wearing girl clothes. I was gender fluid. Chloe gave me a present of a pink t-shirt. It was one that she did not use anymore. I wore it as much as I could. Dad did not like it, but I told him it was a present from my best friend, and if I was not allowed to wear it, I would never sing again. Dad must have known I was serious, as he did not complain.
It was time to do the Jesus film. This was an important film for Dad, as it was spreading the word about Jesus and the Catholic religion. I will be honest, I felt very awkward doing this film. I did not feel confident enough to portray the most famous child and the greatest child that ever lived. I felt that I could not do him justice and I was an imposter. I kept asking myself if this was blasphemy. The tunic I wore made me feel guilty because I kept on pretending it was a dress. When I was wearing make-up, I felt guilty that I liked it. I don't know if this was a story about how hard old habits are to die, or simply I missed the right to dress and be how I wanted.
I was very tired and stressed. I was doing a film and practising for a tour at the same time. In between doing this, I would just sit and try to sleep. The problem was that I could not sleep. I began getting anxiety attacks. Dad noticed this and wondered why I was causing so many problems. Stepmom tried to tell Dad that I was only 13 years, and had the work and pressures of 3 men. Dad fixed this by giving me some tablets he got from the doctor. I did not consider these tablets drugs, as I thought I was somehow sick and they were to help me. They worked as well, they gave me a lot of energy. I was in a good mood all the time. I did what I was told. I did not need much sleep!
The tour was called "Dakota's singing tour" and we were to do 120 concerts all over the world. The best thing is that Chloe and Nick were allowed to come on the tour. Dad tried telling me to remember he can be kind to me when I did what was expected of me. I did not think about what Dad thought. I still considered him Hitler's secret son. I was so happy that my friends were allowed on tour. It made travelling a lot of fun and we always had fun in hotels. I think we had to pay for a lot of pillows, that was destroyed when we had pillow fights. We even mimicked dad when he told me to grow up and remember my responsibilities.
I still had stage fright when I performed. I was afraid that people would hate the show and walk out. I was afraid of the reviews of the show. I was scared if I messed up or forgot the words. The worse thing was I was terrified about my weak bladder. What if I had an accident on stage. Stepmom had the answer. She thought I should wear a diaper when I sang. Astronauts wore a diaper in space, so it was not strange if I did. At the same time, she thought it was better that I did not tell Dad. He would never understand.
Touring was hard, as 120 concerts are no small tour. I would have gone mad if my friends were not there. It also helped with the tablets that Dad gave me. It was as if I always had energy. One thing I could not understand was when I would sing, How could they hear me? The fans were shouting and screaming so much, that even I needed earplugs. It was now that I understood how many fans I had and some of them were fanatics. I did my best to give them the best experience I had.
After a few shows, Dad came up with an idea of how to make more money. He did not tell me this but he did ask Chloe and Nick if they wanted to be backing singers. So Dad fired the ones I had and Nick and Chloe as backing singers. This made the shows better, and I must admit that they were good singers.
Towards the end of the tour, Dad rushed into my hotel room. I have never seen him as angry as he was then. He kept on asking me what was I thinking, and how could I do this to him. There was a picture of me on a newspaper Dad threw at me. It had a picture of me on with the top of a diaper showing above the trousers I was wearing. The heading was "Dakota is a diaper lover!"
Idol
Idol - 1983- Age 14
It's all based on lies
The tour was over. It was sold out and the reviews were great. I am sure that millions were made. Besides the tour, I had an album that sold 8 million copies and several hit singles. I also had a movie that had done well, and another one on its way. I do not know how anyone could complain about my career and how it was going. This was not the case. They were worried about the rumours that were in the newspapers that I wore diapers. The PR department in the record company was using a lot of effort trying to convince the fans that the public that the picture was fake and asked why would a teenager wear a diaper. I felt sorta bad, as it was a lie. I did use diapers. Would the fans know it was a lie? In any case, Dad said that he always knew that my strange sissy and baby ways would ruin me. I always felt like a problem and inferior when Dad was around.
Cameron was also in Dad's bad book. He wanted to write songs for other artists. Cameron had a lot of money from the royalties from the songs he wrote for me. He told me that he had lots of ideas, and he wanted to live a good life from songwriting. My reaction was to support his wishes, as long as he wrote songs for me. I wanted him to do what he loved and live the life that he wanted. Dad would not accept it and for some reason, it was against the contract that Cameron had. Cameron could only work for me for 2 albums. This upset Cameron and he promised never to speak to Dad again. I hoped that he was not mad at me.
I was receiving a lot of fan mail. John, my bodyguard went through it. He took out all the weird letters. These were mainly the sexual ones. The scary ones were the death threats and the threats to kidnap me. I wondered why these were not given to the police. John told me that most were harmless and that if the police did investigate them all, they would need a whole police department to do it. I tried not to think so much about the threats, as it would only scare me. I did overhear John talk to my dad about one woman who constantly wrote claiming that I was her son. John wanted us to take these letters seriously, but Dad just ignored him, saying that she just wanted money.
I visited mom's and granny's graves. They were next to each other in a family plot. This was one of the times that I could escape and think and talk with the two people that loved me the most. There was still a debate in the media if I wore diapers or not, and Dad was still trying to make me into a macho man. I missed the days when mom or granny would dress me in pretty girl clothes or brush my hair. I missed the days when I could just play with dolls. Still, I now achieved Mom's and Grannies' wishes. I was a celebrity and had success. I started crying and asked mom and granny in heaven who I was. Was I the teen sex symbol that made girls scream or a sissy baby that hid this side of me from the world? Was Chloe right when she said I was just gender fluid? I cried begging for an answer on who I was and what the world should know. I heard some blitzes as the paparazzi were hiding in the bushes taking pictures.
It was time to record another album. There was a lot of pressure on me as the record company was afraid that the bubble has burst. The media was still debating if I wore diapers or not. Did I have a fetish? The good thing was that Nick and Chloe were allowed in the studio. They were once again backing singers. Cameron also had some songs ready, that was way better than the previous songs that he had written. There were some very powerful ballads as well as cool dance songs. The album would be called "Hot Memories." I loved one of the songs called "Memories", as it was a strong ballad that was about my mother. Chloe cried when she heard the song.
Even Mr Spenser (the record company executive) loved the album. He did tell me that I needed to work on promotion for the record. This meant more photoshoots and interviews. I did not want to do the interviews, as I did not like the personal questions. I was afraid that I would tell a secret that Dad did not want the world to know. What would happen if I admitted that I was a bedwetter and the diaper rumours were true. Dad would kill me if I admitted that I used to wear girl clothes. The tablets that Dad gave me made things much easier. I was now constantly using them. They gave me energy and made me giddy and more submissive.
I was allowed to pick my clothes now. I tended to wear long tops that went to my thighs and tight jeans or leggings. Dad did not like this style, as he wanted me to dress more conservatively. I liked this style as it was my style. Nick said that the long tops looked like dresses. I knew he was joking, but in a way, he had a point. Maybe this was my way of telling the world that I did not identify myself as a boy or a girl. I could be both!
The Jesus film was released, and it went to number one at the box office. The reviews were mixed. Some loved my performance, and some thought I was trying too hard. I paid a lot of attention to the reviews while Dad said that it was the ticket sales that mattered. The film was helped by the first song from "Hot Memories" that was called "It's Party Time." which was a bubble gum pop song. It was a top 10 song. Of course, Dad was not satisfied. He expected another number one.
Dad came up with what he thought was a brilliant idea. I was to do a concert at my old school and it would be televised. I was unsure about this. I remember the other children used to tease and bully me because I was small for my age and girly. I did want to see that school again. When I whined about it, Dad would just give me some tablets. They made me happy and I didn't care. The show came and it was held in the gym. The same people that were teasing me years before were now cheering for me. The show went great until I started to hear echoes and the room started revolving around me. I stopped singing as I started to feel strange all over my body. My heart was galloping. I collapsed. I don't remember much after this, except people panicking and being lifted out on a stretcher.
The next thing I knew was that I was in the hospital. I was not sick. The doctor explained that I was taking too many tablets. My heart could not deal with this. Dad was more concerned that the news would leak and people would think that I was a drug addict. This would be bad for my career. Stepmom was shocked when she heard that Dad had been drugging me. She thought it was child abuse and had wanted to tell the authorities. She even wanted to leave Dad but said it would only mean I would have no one that would protect me. I think whatever love Stepmom had for Dad vanished and she started to hate the man she married.
I was at home recovering after the hospital. The press was told that I was exhausted and that Dad wanted me to rest. The press made him look like the father of the year. It was my stepmom that insisted that I had time to rest. Dad did not waste time. He would tell me about his ambitions and the plans that he had for me. He would warn me that the press should not know about my sissy or baby fetishes. I had to be a teen idol that every girl wanted to have as a boyfriend. I also had to be a good catholic and had to appear pure and have a healthy religious morality. There were so many lies that the media was told. This meant that the fans did not know who I really was.
My bodyguard was still afraid of some woman that claimed she was my mother. He was sure that she was stalking me. Dad told him not to worry. There was very little she could do besides buy my albums. The world was full of strange people and I was a target for their crazy ways. I did not know if Dad even knew what he was saying. He was becoming worse than Ronny as he was beginning to drink a lot more and sniff powder. His excuse was that it was stressful being my manager. His worse problem was to hide the truth about me that I was a sissy and a baby. This made me feel guilty. Dad was becoming a drug addict and alcoholic because of me. Did I also make Ronny one?
There were still rumours about the diapers and some were asking why I had knee-length tops on. I refused to answer these questions. The only comment was that I thought I dressed better than many pop or rockstars. Humour goes a long way! I did not want them to think I was transgender. Besides, it was none of their business, I did not consider myself transgender. I was gender fluid. A lot of rockstars wore make-up and dressed weirdly. I was learning fast to only talk about my career and leave my private life out of interviews. They only wanted to talk about Ronny being an addict, my mom's death or diapers. Nick thought it was a mistake. He thought I could be a role model for many teens like me.
Dad did not like the way I dressed. He thought it too feminine. I was getting older and listened to him less and less. He never had anything good to say to me and never praised me for the success I had. It was never enough. He boasted how much he had to protect my image. He would get drunk and tell me how embarrassed he was with me and how ashamed he was. This hurt like a knife every time he had said it. I think it was, for this reason, that I started wearing eye makeup. I was telling Dad in this way that I decided how I looked. It was my money that paid for his drugs.
I had a huge argument with Dad one day when he once again called me a freak and a wimp. I was on my way to a talk show to promote the upcoming single. I started by telling the host that the next single was about my mother and how much I missed her. The host wanted to ask me about my collapse. I interrupted him and admitted that the rumours about diapers were true. I told the audience, "I am not ashamed that I use them. It does not mean that I am a baby. They keep my bed dry and one day I will not need them. Millions of boys and girls wet their beds and they are teased or made to feel ashamed about it. Some are punished. You are not alone!"
Dad was waiting for me in the green room. He was not mad. He just mumbled that I just destroyed my career. He was wrong. The media loved me for my honesty and I would stand up for bedwetters. As far as I know, this was never done by a celebrity before. Both "memories" and the album "Hot Memories" went to the top. This was a time when Michael Jackson was having a huge success with "Thriller" and the charts were dominated by David Bowie, Wham and Culture Club. I was so proud that I had so many fans that supported me! It was a humble feeling knowing that you are at the top of the charts and selling millions. Even Elton John sent me a telegram congratulating me.
Shortly after the album was released, there was an article in the newspaper that I was gay. It quickly became a public debate. This hurt me a lot more than the diaper rumours, as I did not know my sexual orientation. At 14, it was not important for me. I was worried about what my fans would think about this. This was 1983 and being gay was not cool. The record company wanted me to deny it. I told them if I said no, they would not believe it and write what they wanted. Once again I did not think it was their business.
Chloe told me not to worry about it. Then I got an idea. I asked Chloe if she wanted to be my girlfriend. I tried telling her it had nothing to do with the gay rumours, which was not all that true. She smile and told me that she always had a soft spot for me. We were now boyfriend and girlfriend. A few days later, the record company leaked this news to the media, except the media was told that Chloe had been my girlfriend for a few months. It was another lie...
The gay rumour was dead. I now had another hit single and album and a girlfriend. I was in bed one night thinking that my granny and mom would be proud of me. I was still famous and it seemed like my fame was growing all the time. My smile disappeared when a woman suddenly was standing next to my bed.
Idol
Idol - 1984- Age 15
I should try and be normal!
The strange woman sat on the side of the bed. She started telling me how much she loved me and she was so proud of my success. She promised that it was hard for her to be separated from me, but now we will always be together. Then she got a bit stern and asked me why I always dressed as a tomboy. She told me I was always the prettiest girl and it was a shame to try and be something that I was not. I could feel a tear running down my face. I was not afraid. I knew this woman was not dangerous and in a way, she reminded me so much of my mother. I even wondered if she was an angel. I did not scream or say anything. She stopped talking to me and began singing a lullaby.
Then all hell broke loose. John (my bodyguard) came in and dragged her from the side of the bed. The strange woman was pleading and screaming as high as she could. The screaming caused so much chaos that Dad came up to the room. His eyes were red and he was sweaty. In other words, he was as high as a kite. Now we had the woman screaming, and Dad screaming at John blaming him for a lack of security. I was in tears and begged John to take an easy on the woman. Then Dad vented his anger at me by saying it was all my fault and I was a wimp and a crybaby.
The next few days were chaos, where Dad bought a mansion in the rich area of town. Despite the new mansion being in my name, I had no say in where we would live or what mansion we would have. It made me think about how rich I was and how could Dad decide what to do with my money? I also did not like that the new mansion was like Fort Knox and that I would be living so far away from Chloe and Nick. The only good thing was that Stepmom would be living in luxury. It was also something I had to get used to, a life living in a mansion, cooks and servants and a limousine.
I could not forget the woman that intruded on my house. I felt sorry for her. She must have big problems thinking I was her child. She made me remember my mom that died when before I even started school. The memory of my mom made me cry myself to sleep every night. I missed her so much but the memories I had of her were very vague. When I closed my eyes, it was hard to see her. Besides that, I still blamed myself for her death.
Chloe was different now that she was my girlfriend. She always wanted to be romantic, like holding hands and kissing. She wanted us to express our deepest feelings. She had lots of plans for the future. I had a problem. Chloe was a great friend, but I could not be romantic with her. It felt so wrong. Still, I did like the idea of having a girlfriend. I just had to learn how to be romantic.
Cameron was now free to do what he wanted. He no longer spoke with Dad or Ronny. I admired Cameron. He had a talent for songwriting and he was the reason that I was so famous. Cameron wanted to write songs for others and even produce songs and albums. At the same time, he did not want to hurt me, so he asked me for my blessing. I told him to follow his dreams. I knew that he would help a lot of people's careers. It was now that I felt close to Cameron. We supported each other. It was a shame that Dad did not support Cameron. He accused him of being a traitor and would never write a song for me again.
I should not have been sad. "Hot Memories" sold an astonishing 25 million albums and had several hit singles. Only Micheal Jackson was selling more and I could live with that. I was now a superstar on a pedestal with so many other legends. This was hard to believe. I was only 15 and was at the height of fame. Chloe and Nick were always there to make sure that I remained humble and didn't become some diva. The only problem I had was my dad, that was never satisfied. He wanted more success. He talked about me doing more tours, albums and films. There was no time to enjoy the success that I had now. Dad's plans sometimes stressed me.
I should have enjoyed the success, but since the strange woman intruded in my room, I felt so bad. I do not think I was depressed. I just felt as if the memories of my mother and granny were slowly fading away. I wanted to remember them. I would look at old photo albums where I was dressed as a girl, and they would be standing next to me with smiles on my face. Those were the days when I could look pretty. Now I could dress in long tops that reminded me of a dress or wear limited makeup. This helped me remember who I was and remember my mother and granny.
It was also around now that I stopped wetting the bed. I took this as a sign that I was growing up. It made me think of a lot of things. Maybe I should be more responsible and be the person my fans wanted me to be. I was sure my voice would break soon and I would start getting a beard. I should have experienced some signs I was no longer a child by now, but I suppose the puberty blockers I had years ago delayed that. It still made me think that my body would look more male, and that would make me look strange if I still wore feminine things. I have seen pictures of drag queens, and some were not pretty. I needed to act my age. I must admit that this was hard and it took me some time to tell Stepmom that I did not need diapers anymore
My private life was a mess. It seemed as if Chloe was always getting mad at me. She wanted me to be more romantic, and I could not do this the way that she wanted. I did try, but somehow something was stopping me. At times, she accused me that I only wanted to be her boyfriend to stop rumours in the press that I was gay. How could I respond to this? It was the truth. Chloe was my best friend and I figured if anyone could be my girlfriend, it should have been her. I also knew that it would stop any gay rumours. I thought I could be romantic with Chloe. The truth was that I was just using her.
My professional life was going great. I was invited to the grammy show. I took Chloe with me. She was very shy with all the pictures that were being taken. I told her that she was now an important part of my world, and this was part of it. I was nominated for several Grammys and won one for "Memories." I think everyone in the audience shed a tear when I dedicated the Grammy to my mother. Cameron also won an award for being the best songwriter. I was so proud of him. It was a good night especially because Chloe and I did not fight. We even held hands and I kissed her when I won the grammy.
Cameron spoke with me after the awards. He was happy as he was writing some songs for another pop singer and even producing the album. He wanted to warn me about Dad. Cameron said that I should realize that I was rich. I would get the money when I was 18. That is if there was any money left. Dad administered my money and it was my money that was paying for Dad's Luxus lifestyle as well as drugs and drink. There were rumours that Dad paid himself an excessive wage as my manager and he had made bad investments on my behalf. I understood what Cameron was saying... I should not trust my Dad.
Nick was openly gay, which Dad did not like. However, Nick was a good friend and I did not care what his sexual orientation was. Nick was a bit like me, he always liked dressing as a girl, but the difference was he never lived as a girl. It was just dressing up. He wanted to dress up as a girl with me one day and was disappointed when I said no. I explained that it was time that I grew up and I had to take care of my image and reputation. I could no longer be a sissy and pretend that I was a girl. Nick sighed and told me that the makeup I used, long t-shirts and tight pants were a way of looking feminine. Why was I ignoring who I was and so worried about what fans and the media thought about me?
I just wanted peace in my life. I did not want the media, fans or Dad judging me. I wanted to be normal and not have to hide secrets and lie all the time. I even tried patching things up with my oldest brother Ronny. He did not want to speak with me and blamed me for ruining his life.
It was time to grow up. My voice finally started to break. The doctor told me that my voice will never be deep and that I could always hit the high notes. Still, it would not be a child's voice. Dad did not like this, as he said it was a gay voice. Dad did not listen to the doctor when he said that I needed to take a break from singing, and let my vocal cords adjust and grow. Dad decided that I would once again be going on a tour.
Nick and Chloe were once again backing singers, and we had just as much fun as we did on the previous tour. I should have been pleased with the tour. It was sold out and the reviews were good. However, there were still arguments between Chloe and me as she thought that I did not show her enough affection. This was not the worse. It was extremely hard to perform. Because my voice was changing, I could not always hit the right notes. This made Dad so mad every time, as he blamed me for not trying enough. I did not like when we had to cancel several concerts because I could not sing. I was lucky that my fans seemed to have understood.
After the tour was done, I had a big argument with Dad. It was when he complained that we had to refund tickets and the tour did not make as much as it could. I got mad and asked him how much money did I have? What was his wage? Was I not old enough that I could decide what my money would be used for? This outburst made Dad mad. He told me it was not my money but the family's money! I would not have had success if it was not because of him. Dad wanted me to admit that I needed him.
I admitted it and hid for a week in my room watching Shirley Temple films. I have done what mom wanted and I have done what everyone else wanted. I became famous and was the most famous teen on earth. I also thought that Shirley Temple retired when she was an adult. People loved her as a child star but could not accept her as an adult. She stopped acting and did other things that she wanted. It made me think if people would like me now that I was on the verge of becoming an adult?
Should I retire while I was at the top?
Nick visited me and tried to cheer me up. We talked about everything except fame. I started smiling as we acted like teens. We were soon laughing and ended up wrestling on the bed. Nick ended up pinning me down, and then it happened. It was not his fault or my fault. It was as if time stopped.... as we kissed each other.
Idol
Idol - 1985- Age 16
I am not a machine
I could not believe that I kissed Nick. After the kiss, there was silence and things were very uncomfortable. It was as if we should have said something to each other, but the words would not come out. I would have liked to have a logical explanation for the kiss such as we were experimenting. This was not the case. It was a kiss full of emotion and feelings. It was romantic. It felt like fireworks. I don't know what Nick thought. He said that he had to go home. This left me on the bed reliving the kiss over and over in my head. This was something that I would remember for the rest of my life.
Dad came in and wanted to discuss future projects with me. I wanted to tell him to leave me alone. I could not do this as when did Dad ever listen to me? I let him talk as I was in turmoil inside. I have decided some time ago that I would be as normal as possible. The kiss made me realize that I could never be normal. The fact that I was a celebrity meant that I grew up in the public eye. Everyone has their idea of who I was. It was all just an image that the record company and Dad portrayed. It was just a lie. They did not know that mom and granny treated me as a girl and that I now kissed a boy. It was depressing that people did not know me and if they did they would never like me. At times I felt as if I did not know myself.
I spoke with Nick a few days after the big kiss. I told him that we should pretend that the kiss never happened. I tried telling him that I felt bad because it was like cheating on Chloe. She was still my girlfriend. This upset Nick. He told me that it was about time that I admitted that my relationship with Chloe was just a joke and a show for the media. He accused me that she was my friend and I was just using her. Nick thought that this was very selfish of me and that it was a mean thing to do. I went silent after his outburst. I knew that he was speaking the truth. This meant that I had to work on being the boyfriend that Chloe deserved.
I was not thinking about my career. It seemed as if I had so many personal problems. I wanted to sort out my life and be happy. I waited to Dad was not drunk or high and told him that I needed time off. There were still singles being released from "Hot Memories" and I did not want to do a tour or concert. Dad told me that it was unwise to take time off. I had to work to remain at the top. I could not let the record company or my fans down. It was not often I got mad at Dad, as this was a dangerous thing to do. This time I did yell at him. I told him that I was not a machine. The only response I got was that I should stop acting like a diva.
I tried to visit Ronny. He lived in an abandoned building. It smelled and was a mess. I just wanted him to be like a brother once again. There was no reason why he should live like this. If my money could support Dad, then we could use this money to help Ronny. It was a lost cause. Ronny accused me of being there to gloat about my success. Then he blamed me for the mess that his life was in. It was my fault that mom obsessed over me and ignored him when he was younger. It was my fault that mom died. Ronny accused me of being a freak of nature, a sissy that demands everyone's attention. There was no use in trying to patch things up. Ronny was broken and I was the blame for it.
I still was friends with Cameron. He never visited us as he did not want to see Dad, Things were so bad between Cameron and Dad, that it was not allowed even to mention his name. The only time his name was mentioned is when dad called him a spoiled brat that was a traitor. Dad also told me that Cameron will not be writing songs for my next album. He thought it was best if I wrote them, as it would mean more money. This became his plan and Dad constantly asked me if I had songs done for the album. I tried telling him that I did not want to write songs. I did not think I was talented enough. I wanted Cameron to write and produce. Dad told me he decided and did not want to discuss it.
It was at this time that a clothes company wanted me to endorse a fashion line they were working on. They noticed the dress like tops I wore and tight pants and thought that a lot of teens would want to copy my style. Dad thought I still dressed like a sissy and was corrupting the youth. Despite this, he accepted the endorsement. This meant that I got free clothes and according to the newspaper, the endorsement was worth millions. Dad explained once again this was not my money, but family money.
Things were going much better with Chloe. I was more romantic with her and showed a lot more affection. It was a lot of work though and I never did get the firework feelings I had the time that I kissed Nick. Chloe did not notice that being romantic was so much work for me. The one thing she did not like was my fame. She did not like when pictures were taken of us or when she noticed girls that were fans that idolized me. Gossip magazines were even asking if we would get married. I was only 16!
Nick knew my love for Chloe was an act, and he could get jealous. He would tell me that I should come out of the closet and follow my true feelings. I should not care what the media thought. I was reminded that when I admitted that I wet the bed, I helped many teens and children. I could use my position now to help many gay teens. My response was to deny that he thought I was gay. A kiss does not make me gay. Besides that, it was 1985. Being gay was still a taboo thing. I was worried about my reputation and image. Nick would never understand this. He was not in a position where the media and fans wanted to know everything.
The record company were impatient and kept asking about a follow-up album. They were told that I was working on the songs for it. I did not understand the rush. I think the reason was that Michael Jackson sold more than me, and they wanted me to have a head start this time. I was once again afraid. The last album sold extremely well. How could I repeat this success? I was older, my voice was different and I was not as cute. Cameron was no longer helping me. I felt so much pressure and stress.
I tried asking Dad if I could take some time off and go to university. It was wise having an education if I suddenly became a has-been. Dad was annoyed when I asked this. He thought that I did not trust his ability as a manager. There would be no discussion of the university. I was already doing what I was meant to do. He did not even want to consider that I may have wanted to do something else.
I had some hope one day when Ronny visited us. It turned quickly to disappointment when he just came for money. Dad would not give him any money. This made Ronny once again whine about how I ruined his life and how is it that I always was the centre of attention and love. This confused me, as I remembered a time when Dad did not care about me and gave all his love to my brothers. How quick Ronny could forget this and feel sorry for himself. Ronny stormed out the door and promised he will sell family secrets and secrets about me to anyone that will pay.
I felt sorry for Ronny. He needed Dad's love now when he had so many problems. Dad had a talent for pushing people away. This happened to Stepmom, Cameron and Ronny. I had no choice as I was still underaged. Dad never showed me any love. I felt like he considered me a money machine. A way where he can live the life of a rich man. He did not care about talent or the quality of work but rather cared about success and money. Dad never did know me or care about me. Despite all this, I hungered for Dad's acceptance and love. In a way, I loved him and hoped that our relationship would improve.
This had me think about my life until now. I did not have a normal child. Mom and Granny treated me like a girl and convinced me that I should have been born a girl. This caused so many problems. I did not know if I wanted to be masculine or feminine. It could be a reason why I had gay feelings. It made me think that I never enjoyed the things children should. I was always told that being famous was my destiny and the purpose of life. This meant no play and all work. Even when I did have success, no one was ever satisfied. I was told that more was expected of me. I could not be myself. I had to be the person that my dad and fans wanted me to be. There have been so many lies. The more I thought of my life, the more frustrated and angry I was. I went into a rage and tore down all the Shirley Temple posters in my room. Stepmom had to come into my room and hug me until I calmed down. She hugged me and told me to love myself and follow my heart and dreams. I could be what I wanted.
I rang Cameron and apologised that he would not be working on my new album. I still wanted and needed his help, but I could not get Dad to change his mind. I hoped that Cameron would not be mad at me and forgive me. There was some silence and then Cameron assured me that he was not mad at me and knew that it was not my fault. He also told me that when I was 18. I would have to decide what my relationship was with Dad. He was right, and deep down I knew that I could not and did not want to distance myself from Dad.
It was time to do the new album, which was more indie and rock than the other albums I have done. Despite that Chloe and Nick were backing singers and we had fun, I did not enjoy doing the album. Even the record company thought it sounded too angry. I even was screaming in the title track like it was some heavy metal song. It was a song about the media and how they could not give me any privacy. The album was done very quickly and it was named "Society Radio". Dad was excited about it and thought its success would mean that we would renegotiate the record company contract where I would get higher royalties. I was just happy that I was finished with it.
I thought I could now have peace at home. This did not happen. Dad was screaming one morning when he was reading the newspaper. There were pictures of me when I was younger me wearing dresses and other girl clothes. The whole world knew now that despite I was a boy, I was treated and lived like a girl when I was smaller.
Idol
Idol - 1986- Age 17
The press was having a field day. Ronny sure did get his revenge by giving the press pictures of me in dresses and other feminine attire. It seemed as if every day that went by, new pictures of me were in the media. This most likely made people think that I was a crossdresser at home. I was now labelled as a sissy. I started to hate that word. When I heard people call me that or read it in the newspapers, it made it sound as if I had some sickness. Being called a sissy made me sound like I was weird or some misfit.
This was not a good time for me. Not only was I in the middle of a shit storm in the media being labelled as a sissy, but I also was not satisfied with the new record. Dad wanted to decide everything on "Society Radio,". The problem was that he was drunk all the time. Cameron was not allowed to write songs for it, and the album had some angry songs that had me sing like a metal rock singer. It just did not sound like me. It was not mainstream. I should have guessed this when Dad started changing the songs and telling songwriters and producers how to do their job. It was a record that I did not want to listen to, so why would my fans listen to it?
The record company had a meeting with us as they wanted to scrap the album or at least delay it until the media calmed down with labelling me as a sissy. Dad would not listen to the record company. He thought that the record company had a new sound that would sell more than Michael Jackson. Dad also thought that the media calling me a sissy was good. Even bad news can be good publicity. The record would be released. I was still not old enough to decide and Dad was still my manager.
The media storm did not stop! The media was now calling me a liar. They reminded everyone when I told the media that I was not gay. They thought that being feminine was a sign that I was gay. They reminded everyone that I denied being gay or a sissy. This made me a liar in their eyes. I remember once watching fans being interviewed. They seemed so mad and frustrated. One teenage girl even said that she was my biggest fan. She had all my music and merchandise. She now thought I was fake and dishonest. She threw everything out in the rubbish bin that reminded her of me.
Dad did not improve my mood. He did tell the record company that he did not care about all the sissy talk. This is not what he said to me when we were alone. He told me that he was embarrassed to have me as a son. He asked me how I would feel if I had a son that was a crossdresser and even a teen diaper lover. I tried telling him that I no longer needed diapers and did not use them. What else could I answer? I knew what Dad meant. I was just as embarrassed and ashamed as he was. I agreed with that girl who was a fan. I was a fake and a deceiver.
One bit of good news I had was that Cameron was a success. He wrote songs for a pop singer and that pop singer was at the top of the charts. Cameron was a success and he did not need me or Dad. He has done it all on his own. I was so happy that he was a success and he was doing what he loved. Cameron never visited us, as he did not want to be in the same room as Dad. I had to agree with him and could not wait until I was 18.
As for me, things were not going so well. "Society Radio" was a flop. This was not good. The album should have done better, considering that my previous album was one of the best-selling albums of all time. Dad did not understand why it flopped. He started drinking more and more telling me that it was my fault. I knew why the album flopped. It was a rubbish album that did not sound like me. On top of this, my fans were most likely outraged over finding out that their teen idol was transgender.
I had more time to spend with Chloe. I had no job offers for movies and it was too early to do another album. Chloe tried to cheer me up. She told me that all child stars often experienced troubles when they were older. I was no longer cute and my voice had changed. The sad thing is many child stars found success harder when they grew up. They turned to drugs and other vices which ended up in them destroying themselves. She hoped that this would not happen to me.
Chloe did not believe it was because that people now knew that I was treated like a girl and did not mind wearing girl clothes. She told me that Boy George was very feminine and he was a success. This could be true. Boy Georges fans accepted it. My fans did not accept it. They wanted me to be a teen idol they could have a crush on. The problem is that it was hard for them to have a crush on a teen boy in a dress.
The record company washed their hands of me. They did not want to spend money on fixing my image. I suspected that they also did not want to deal with Dad anymore. The sober and Catholic Dad I once knew was now replaced by an alcoholic gambler that was always drunk or high. I had no choice but to deal with him. The record company had a choice. They did not want to deal with my dad and they had no hope for the bad media attention that I was getting.
I felt like I was alone. Chloe and Nick supported me. Even Cameron refused to talk about me when he was interviewed, which I appreciated. I was mad at Ronny for selling the pictures. I was mad at the record company for abandoning me. I was mad at Dad for everything else. Well, that's not true. I was mostly mad at myself for letting my life come to this.
I opened my wardrobe and looked at all the dresses and girl clothes I had. I had photos all over the floor. It helped me to remember how happy I was when granny and mom were alive. They may have treated me like a girl, but I did not mind. I was happy. They were probably guilty of making me want to be famous. I did not mind this either. As I looked at the pictures, I remembered how I was bullied in school because they thought I was a sissy. I remember Dad telling me to act more like a boy. Maybe he did care. Maybe he knew that I would be hated and the butt of many jokes if people found out that I was feminine.
Chloe and I went on many dates. In a way, my sudden fall from being popular was a blessing for our relationship. She was worried about me. She reminded me that even if I never did music again, I could be a success doing something else. Even Shirley Temple retired when she got older and had success as a mother and a diplomat. I do remember Chloe's best advice that she gave me. She told me that all this should show me that it was important to be true to who I was. Happiness was more important than image and fame. She reminded me to always tell the truth. Truth is easy to remember and it gets so hard to remember lies.
When I came home from a date, Dad was upset. He read a news article in the newspaper which was all about how "Society Radio" was a failure. The article thought that I lost touch with reality and fame went to my head. This and the fact that I lied about being transgender made me a failure. The article predicted that I would be a drug addict. They mentioned that Ronny was a drug addict and lived at an abandoned warehouse.
It was about a month after this that Cameron rang me and told me that Ronny was in the hospital because of an overdose. I should not have cared. Should I even forgive him for ruining my life? Still, he was my brother, so I visited the hospital. This was a nightmare. On my way into the hospital, journalists were asking for comments that I was transgender and how I felt that no one bought "Sacred Religion." One journalist even asked why I was wearing boy clothes. I did not comment. I rushed to Ronny's room. He wasn't awake and looked like he was dead. I could not help but think that this was my fault. Did I drive him to the life he had that was slowly killing him?
When I came home, Dad was not home. He did not come home for several days. This upset me somewhat and I was afraid. Dad used to be a very religious man that had a morality that could compete with Jesus. Now he was a shell of what he used to be. I admitted long ago that he was now an alcoholic and other things he would have frowned upon years ago. It was my money that had done this. This was the first time that he was not home for days, and it made me think if he was dead in some alleyway.
When he did come home, he was angry. He lost money on the horse races. He was comparing the horses to his 3 sons. According to Dad, we were all losers and not good for anything! This both upset me and saddened me. I always tried to please him and make him happy. I always tried to do what he said. Now I could see that he did not love me or think I was worth being his son. This made me decide that he was not worth being my Dad. I did not need him. The only thing that stopped me was the contract he had with the record company.
The feeling that everyone was against me was at its height when I was invited to a charity event. I was supposed to sing a song. Things went wrong when I stepped out of the limo and one teenage girl came close and threw a tomato, which hit my cheek. My security guard rushed me into the building. He tried to cheer me up by saying we knew what picture would be on the front page the next day. I did not see any humour in it and told my security guard to take me home. I know this was not very professional not to sing the song that I promised. It was something I had to do. I did not want anyone to see me. I wanted to hide. I admit that I was also afraid.
When I came home, Nick was there. He hugged me which made me explode with anger. I shouted that I did not want any gay hug. This saddened Nick as he mumbled that he knew what happened with me and just wanted to give me some support. I should have apologized, but I just told him that I wanted to be alone.
Chloe visited me the next day. I complained about my life and how nothing was going right. Chloe must have gotten tired of me, as she said that I always thought about myself. She came because she wanted me to be the first to know that she was offered a record contract.
Idol
Idol - 1987- Age 18
The record company already knew Chloe because she was my backing singer. Now that my career was in the dumps, the executives in the record company wanted a new star. They were wise when they offered Chloe a record contract. She had a good voice and she looked beautiful. She had the potential to be as big as Madonna. Chloe wanted to know what I thought of her trying her luck at performing. What could I say? She always supported me, so I put on my best smile and told her that she would do great.
The fact was that I was extremely jealous. It was also me that was the star, and now my last album was a flop, Chloe had the potential to be as big as I once was. I knew this made me very selfish and egoistic. I thought that I was destined to be famous, and Chloe was to be a sidekick, making me look good in public. The idea of Chloe being a success was eating my inner soul. While I told her that I thought it was a great idea, I was secretly wishing she would be more of a flop than I have become. I know this is mean, but who said I was a saint?
I was now 18 and had a meeting with Mr Spenser (the executive of the record company). He was very relaxed about the flop of my last album but admitted that he did not know what to do with my career. He told me that it was very important to be more masculine. I also needed to get Cameron to help me with the album. I needed to sound like I once did. I was agreeing with everything that Mr Spenser said. This was until he said that I needed to fire dad. Dad was a shell of what he used to be. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. He made unreasonable demands and had no clue how to be a manager. This was a hard thing to do. He was after all my Dad. He was family. What would it do if Dad thought that he was no longer wanted?
Mr Spenser told me that there was good news. I could live off the royalties for the music I already had, and he said that I was lucky enough to earn millions so far in my career. No matter what the future bought me, I should have been proud of what I achieved. Somehow I thought I was too young to reminisce on the past. His last suggestion was a comeback by singing a duet with Chloe. This would help start Chloe's career and help my comeback. No way was I going to do that.
I did not tell Dad about the meeting with Mr Spenser. Dad was sniffing drugs and at the same time planning my next album. He told me that one flop did not end my career, we just had to make a new album. I suppose he was right. The old saying was when you fall off your bike, then get up on it again. Dad told me that the next album would be a country gospel album. Despite that I did like some country music, there was no way that I was going to do that album.
I visited Cameron. He bought me a cake. He also had brotherly advice. I identified too much with being famous. It was my identity since I was born,
" Your life had revolved around being a performer," he explained. "This is not who you are. Being feminine or a sissy does not define you. What defines you is how happy you are and how you treat others. If performing makes you happy or being girly, then you should do this. I think that you have a lot more to offer than being a performer."
Maybe he was right. Before I left, I asked Cameron to do me a huge favour. I did not want him to help Chloe with her new album. This made Cameron sigh and ask if I did not hear a word he said. I just shrugged my shoulder as he promised that he would not help.
The visit with Cameron raised a lot of questions. Was being a performer so important for me? Was it not my mother's dream? I just did what everyone expected of me. My life was built on being a famous celebrity. I was told that if Shirley Temple could, then so could I. I was a success. But this came at a huge price. My family was the most dysfunctional family ever. I had no privacy. The media scrutinised everything that I have done. I grew up as public property and was always being judged.
I was tired of fame and the media. I was tired of trying to please everyone. Maybe life would be better if I was not a celebrity.
I needed time to figure out who I was. Was I transgender or did I just like being feminine? Remember this was 1987, and being transgender was not a way of getting people's respect. Since I was a child, I have been treated like a girl and at times I did not know if I was a girl or a boy. The media treated my feminine ways as if I was a sinner and corrupted everyone that was a fan. I was now 18 and it was now up to me how I would dress and what my identity was. This being said, I don't think that the media would give me peace. They would judge me on anything I have done.
Everyone seemed to be pushing me on some sort of comeback. Everyone was right, I had an album that flopped. I was humiliated in the press for being a sissy. I was so afraid of trying to have a comeback. I could not deal with another flop. Would people accept me for my music or just think I was a weird crossdresser? Every time I started to ask myself who I truly was and if people would buy my music, I had anxiety attacks.
One day, I was so upset when I saw an article in the newspaper that I was planning to get a sex change, now that I was 18. This of course was fake news and it both upset me and depressed me. How could people be so mean and publish lies? Was this a payback because I also lied about my identity? I did not want to be hurt again. I emptied my wardrobe of everything that was feminine. I burnt all the clothes in the backyard.
A few days later, I held a press conference where I made the following statement. " I have been blessed that I could make music and had success at doing this. This was my mother's dream and I hope that she is proud of my achievements. I am now an adult and I have a choice in what I want to do. I always wanted to be a teacher. I have thought long and hard about my future, and now I wish to follow my dream. I am officially resigning from the entertainment business and will study to be a teacher. I hope you will respect my privacy. Thank you."
Dad was waiting for me inside the house and was extremely mad at my decision to retire. He kept on asking me if this was the thanks I gave him after all the work that he had done. He called me a loser and a wimp. This hurt a lot more than anything fans or the media said about me. It confirmed that Dad never did care about my happiness. I was just a money tree for him.
I got a phone call a few days later from a small university. The woman was very nice and admitted that she always loved my music. At the same time, she thought it was noble of me to want to be a teacher. She offered me a place at the university where I could get a degree to be a teacher. I jumped up and down with joy and quickly accepted the position.
It was a few days before I started at the university that I had a meeting with the accountant. I thought that I would have a lot of money. He told me this was not the case. Dad broke several laws where he used the majority of the money on gambling, drugs and bad investments. On top of this, I owed millions to the taxman. I still was a millionaire and I could live off the royalties that I would get, but I was not as rich as I thought I would be. I did not know if I should scream or not. I was lucky in a way, that I was not bankrupt.
The only thing that kept me sane was the university. For the first time in my life, others did not look at me like some celebrity or something different. The students and staff did care what I wore. The university had students that were yuppies, flower children or momma's boys. There were even a few transvestites. I dressed a lot in denim, which was nothing special. My hair was still long. I always hated my short hair. The good thing was that I quickly met some friends, that did not care about my past or what the newspapers said about me. It was the first time in a long time that I could smile!
I had to control my finances, so my accountant was instructed not to give Dad any access to my money. He was no longer paid as my manager. I gave him a small allowance which probably went to pay for his drink and drugs. Dad was of course not happy with this. I did not care. When he called me names or say how much he disliked me, I answered why should I care what an alcoholic and a drug addict said. I stood up to Dad and reminded him that I was retired from show business. I was happy now at university and if he did not like it, then that was his problem.
I did not see much of Chloe, as she was busy with her career. She was still planning her first album and was puzzled why Cameron would not help her. I did not like when she talked about her career. It hurt me in some way and made me jealous. One important thing that happened between us was that I got on my knees and asked her to marry me. This made Chloe so happy and yet she nearly fainted when I asked her. She asked me if I really meant it. We must have kissed and made out for an hour after we were officially engaged.
The university was doing a show where the students would perform. My friends told me it would be so cool if I performed. I laughed and said that I performed enough for two lifetimes and now I was retired. I refused to do the show. A part of me was still afraid of performing. I did not want to be rejected or hurt anymore. My friends did not know anything about my fear, but they accepted that I did not want to perform.
Ronny recovered from the overdose that he had, and I could not help but blame myself. Dad ignored him as a child and he was so jealous that I got all the attention. He did ruin my reputation by selling pictures of me in a dress. Despite all this, he was family. I told Ronny that he could move into our house and live there. No family member of ours should live on the streets. I also told Ronny that I forgave him. Selling the pictures in a way stopped all the lies I have been telling the press. Now I was happy at university and looked forward to the day that I could be a teacher.
It was in one of my classes at university that I finally accepted who I was. I was not a sissy or transgendered. I was not a man who wanted a sex change. I was not a sinner or weird. I always knew in my heart that I was gender fluid. I could be like Boy George, that was a man and not afraid to show the feminine side of himself. I could wear pink. I could wear make-up. The big thing was that I was happy with who I was.
Idol
Idol - 1988- Age 19
It was a long time since I was so happy. I felt as if I now accepted who I was. This meant that I was not normal, but what was normal? I was genderfluid and proud of it. I did not have to be masculine. I could be feminine when I wanted to be. If I wanted long hair or make-up, then why should anyone care? If I wanted to wear pink or even a dress, how could this be bad? I was gender fluid! It could have been a result of how I was raised. It was something that was part of me. Denying it would only mean that I would be unhappy. To be honest, it was a relief and took a lot off my shoulders that I finally admitted who I was.
I tried to convince myself that being retired was a good thing. I had more privacy and the media thought that I was old news. I was now at the university and I could do something good with my life as a teacher. I was engaged to get married to Chloe. I am sure that I loved her. This love was confusing, as was it the love of a good friend or a more romantic love? Was it a limited love, If I truly loved Chloe, then would I not have supported her more in her ambition to be a pop star? I think this all meant that a part of me missed show business, and a part of me wished that I did not retire.
There was one letter from a fan that made me think that I made a mistake. It was a teenage boy that was teased at school because he was transgendered. He wrote that he was thankful when I told the media to support bedwetters and give them the love and understanding that they deserve. When the media wrote that I was transgender and a sissy, he thought that I could be a role model and tell the world that even transgenders needed to be respected and understood. Needless to say, he felt as if I let him down because I decided to retire and now was in hiding.
I felt so bad when I read this letter as if I let the boy down. It made me realize that I had good sides and bad sides. I was by no means a saint! Look at how I treated those that were closest to me. I made Nick feel bad that he was gay. This was nothing compared to how I treated Chloe. I was not sure if I loved her enough to marry her. Not only this, but I did my best to sabotage her career as a pop star. It was obvious that I could be selfish and jealous and I could hurt others.
Ronny always reminded me that I always thought that the world revolved around me. Maybe he was right. It was not as if he did not have enough problems himself. Despite that he nearly died of an overdose, he was still high most of the time. At times, I could not even come in contact with him, as it was like he was in another world. Both Ronny and Dad made life at home unbearable at times. They were both addicts and both thought I was to blame for all their troubles.
The one good thing in my life was university. I loved studying and learning. It opened a whole new life for me. It made me feel part of a group and everything I did was not scrutinized. I was also so happy that I got good grades. I looked forward to the day when I could teach and open the minds of young people and influence their lives through knowledge. I was sure that I would be a cool and dedicated teacher. With the royalties I had from my music career, I would not mind how little teachers get paid.
Chloe was struggling to do her first album. I told her that it is not as easy as it looks. She was ambitious and wanted to be a success. She begged me to do a solo with her. I put my foot down and told her that I was not going to do anything in the music business again. I was retired and now I was finally happy. If I did the duet, it would open old wounds. This was the excuse I gave to Chloe. She was not told the full truth. That was that I had no intention of helping her. She did not know how jealous I was. She did not know how much I wanted her to fail. Why could she not be like anyone else, and not do something that I flopped at?
Dad was as impossible as he ever was. He was always begging for money. I would say no as I did not want to spend money on drugs and drinking. I could see how every time Dad used them, he died a bit more. The drugs and drink destroyed and controlled Ronny and Dad's life. Dad would get mad when I refused and call me stingy. This would cause an argument where I would accuse him of misusing my money when he had it. In return, Dad would threaten to me to take me to court for breaking his manager contract. There was nothing that I could do except walk away and remind him that no one would listen to an old addict.
The problems I had with Ronny and Dad hurt me. My family was very important to me, and I did not know how to help them. At the same time, I made sure that it did not interfere with my studies. I was determined to get my degree and become a teacher. I would not let my dad or Ronny destroy my ambition to do this. I did get some support from Cameron that defended me in an interview by saying that I never decided to be feminine. It was my mother and grandmother that raised me as a girl. In the interview, he said that I did not know the difference between a boy and a girl. I just acted the way my mother and granny expected. It was embarrassing in a way that he was talking about my past. In another way, it was good that the truth was out. I am sure that Cameron would rather talk about his work than his brother.
I did meet one good friend at university. His name was Daniel. He was gay and this made me think that I had a talent for making gay friends. I didn't like him because he was gay, I liked his honesty. He admitted to me that he never did like my music. He also thought that I could be a diva at times.
It was at a party where Daniel, Nick and Chloe were there that I first got drunk. Daniel had a bottle of whiskey with him. The first glass tasted like petrol. The more I drank, the more it tasted ok. I started feeling tipsy. Then this progressed to being drunk. It was a weird feeling. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted to have fun. I think at one stage, Daniel and I started to wrestle on the bed like two small boys. Besides this, I do not remember anything else that happened.
The next day, Nick was still there. He was extremely mad at me. He wanted to know why I would get drunk, considering it was a problem that Dad and Ronny had. Nick thought I was a disgrace when I was drunk and embarrassed. He disliked the fact that I wrestled with Daniel on the bed. He thought it was erotic and a shame that Chloe had to experience it. I was in no mood to discuss anything. I had a huge hangover. It felt like a plane crashed in my head. I just told Nick that he was jealous. He always wanted to have a romantic relationship with me. Nick shouted that I could be so mean. He stormed out, leaving me with my hangover.
The record company decided to make whatever money they could off of me. A greatest hits album was released. It was called "Pandora's Box." I must admit that this was a cool name. I refused to do any promotion for it, as I reminded them that I retired. The album entered the top 20 in most countries, which must have annoyed the record company. I think a lot of artists would love to be in the top 20, but it showed the record company and me that the huge fan base I once had was now a small one. I was no longer relevant!
It was at this time, that I became a fan of Madonna. She released very successful albums and was the queen of pop. I liked that she was a rebel and did not care what others thought about her. This made her very controversial. She had a very huge influence on me. All my life, I was afraid of what people thought and I wanted to please everyone. Now, I wanted to follow Madonna's example and do things that I wanted to do. I wanted to dress the way I wanted and act the way I wanted. If people did not like this, then this was their problem.
This meant that I wore very bright and colourful clothes, long tops that went to my knees, mascara and subtle make-up. I went as far as to dye my hair pink. I was comfortable with how I looked. If the word did not like it, then that was their problem. I was not going to conform to the world and dress like people expected me to do. I am sure that Nick would have been proud of me, but he was still not speaking with me.
Chloe was not happy. Her album did not sell and she was so disappointed. She worked so hard for it and could not understand that people did not want to listen to her. She blamed me for not supporting her enough. She thought that it was selfish of me to refuse to do a duet with her. What would she have thought of if she knew that I did everything to sabotage her career? I felt bad at how selfish and jealous I was, that would not even help my future wife.
Things changed for me. After Cameron told the world about my childhood and being feminine was the way that Mom and Granny treated me, it was as if people had some sympathy for me. A paparazzi man took a picture of me with my new pink hair. I smiled and told him that I was proud to be gender fluid. This was of course in the newspaper. While the press was once so mean at judging me by calling me a sissy and other things, they were now saying how refreshing it was to see someone true to themselves and a rebel to conservatism and what people expected. The media could be enemies one day and friends another day.
The greatest hits suddenly became very popular and went to the top of the charts. Daniel said that it was probably because the whole gay community were now my fans. I didn't care who was my fan. It was nice that the negative publicity stopped and a great feeling that I was once again on the top of the charts. I must admit that it made me miss show business and regret that I retired. Still, my mind was made up. I was determined to get my degree.
Dad blamed me for all his troubles and I was getting more and more tired of him. So I announced one day that I would be selling the mansion and moving to a smaller house. It was never my choice to move to a mansion. I did not like big houses. I wanted something small and cosy. It would also give me a chance to live by myself and let Dad and Rory fend for themselves. One thing for certain was that I would not allow them to live with me. I would buy them a small apartment, so they would not be homeless.
It was at this time that Daniel asked me to perform a charity show at the university. I was still afraid to perform and at the same time, I did not want to disappoint Daniel.
Idol
Idol - 1989- Age 20
The year started in a bad way. Dad was hospitalized. He was out one night and got so drunk that he ended up collapsing in an alleyway. This was very sad news and I went to the hospital. The media were there as usual. They were asking for comments. What could I tell them? My dad was an alcoholic and it was killing him. When I saw him laying on the hospital bed, I was both mad and sad. How could anyone let something like alcohol take over their body and mind and slowly kill them? Dad seemed tired and somewhat subdued when I visited him. He told me that I was the only one that visited him. I was afraid he would cry. Instead, he promised me that he would not drink anymore. I wanted to believe this so much!
At university, I performed for a charity show that Daniel wanted me to do. I was frightened to do this. It would be the first time that I have performed in public since I retired from showbusiness. I knew the crowd would be small, but this made it scarier. I knew most of these people. I wore make-up and wore a long tunic that was pink and had fake diamonds on it. I even had a tiara on me. Boy George would have been jealous of me. I did not look like a woman or a man. I looked like both combined.
The performance went well. I quickly forgot my fears and started to enjoy performing. I forgot how fun it was performing for an audience. They seemed to enjoy it and it was a great party atmosphere. I was only performing a few of my most popular songs. To tell you the truth, I could have done a whole concert. When I finished, people said that they loved my new look and the performance.
Daniel came the next day and told me that I was in the newspapers. I expected that this was not good news. This was not the case, the newspapers gave great reviews on my performance and said that I still had a huge talent. They did not call me a drag queen as I feared. They described my style as gender-fluid. One newspaper commented that I was influenced by the style of Boy George. This was not true, I simply dressed in the clothes that I loved. It's not as if looking feminine or masculine was something new for me.
It was a few days after the performance when Daniel wanted to have a heart-to-heart talk with me. He noticed how much fun I had when I performed. According to him, there was something about me that shone and happiness he never noticed before. This made him think If I was sure that I wanted to be a teacher, and not be the performer that I seemed to enjoy so much. Despite that Daniel was not a fan, he noticed the energy and happiness of the audience at the performance. I must admit, that I did miss the life in show business, but I think I was afraid. I enjoyed mostly a private life now. I did not want to be thrust back into the limelight and be judged for everything I did.
It was shortly after the performance that I sold the mansion. I used some of the money to buy Dad and Ronny a small flat so they had a place to live. I no longer wanted to live with them, so bought myself a penthouse in a very posh area. It was a smaller place, which suited me fine. It was close to Cameron and far away from Dad and Ronny. I loved my new home. I never felt as if the Mansion was mine. It was Dad that bought it and it was so big. Now I had my place. Needless to say, Dad was not happy that I would now be living on my own. I think he thought that it would be harder to control me this way.
Chloe wanted to get married. We were old enough to do this. I did not want to get married yet. I promised her that we would get married in a year. This would give me a chance to think about if I loved her enough to get married. It bothered me somewhat that I did not always show her the love she deserved. I did my best to sabotage her singing career and I did not always show her affection. I think I was also a bad listener. Often when she would want to discuss her problems, I would not listen and start telling her my problems. I wanted to make sure that I loved her before we got married.
This was the happy time of my life. I loved my studies and loved my life at university. I could dress the way I wanted and no one would call me a sissy or she-boy. I wore a little make-up like eye shadow and mascara and had no problems wearing dresses or feminine attire. When I wanted to, I could dress more masculine. It was at this time, that I was at peace with my childhood. Who knows if it was right that my mother and Granny treated me as a girl was right or wrong? I was sure that they loved me and this was what mattered. Dad wanted me to be masculine, but I doubted that he loved me. The important thing was that I could not complain about my childhood. There are so many children in the world that has a horrible childhood. They experience poverty, sickness and abuse. Many children never experienced love.
I tried to make amends with Nick. He was still mad at me and was honest enough to tell me that it was too hard to be friends with me. He thought I was a diva that thought I was the centre of the world. He told me that I did not care about other people, but only wanted to know if they were a fan or not. At times, he did not know who I was. This was because I was so worried about my image. Nick even thought that I was misleading Chloe. He knew that she was in love with me, but was I in love with her? All this made a friendship with me too complicated, and he was not ready for this. I was distressed that I lost a friend. I was thinking that it was him that had a problem and not me. I was hoping that he would come and apologise and beg to be friends again.
I did not think that I was selfish. I told Ronny that I would pay him to go to rehab. He was now 27 and I felt like he could do so much with his life. It was sad that his life was consumed by drugs. I thought that he had so much potential. Ronny did not take accept my offer. He did not think he was an addict. He did not think that he needed a job. I suppose the allowance I gave him was all he needed. Maybe if I cared, I would have stopped giving him money. This would have forced him to sort out his life and earn money. I did not show him any tough love. I continued to give him money.
One of the highlights of the year was when I went to a Madonna concert. She was my idol and gave me the courage to be who I was. Her concert was an experience that I would never forget. It was music, theatre and art. Madonna was the definition of an entertainer. I wanted to go up and sing a duet with her, but I doubted that she would even like this. Would she think I was just a has-been? Would she approve that I was a coward and retired when the press suddenly turned against me? As many put me on a pedestal when I was a star, I now have done the same with Madonna. This concert made me miss performing. I began to think that the itch would always be there!
It was shortly after this concert that I was offered a film role. The storyline interested me. It was about a gay transgender man that finally came out of the closet. It was a story about him accepting who he was and the reaction from his family and friends. I would have fun doing this film but refused to do it. I knew that it would be controversial and people might think I was transgender, and not gender fluid. They most likely could not see the difference. I could see a difference and this was an important part of my identity. I was not transgender. I was genderfluid. I was also afraid of doing a film that would be so controversial. It was still taboo to be gay or transvestite.
It seemed as if some people wanted me back in the limelight. I was confused and afraid to make a decision. There was another thing that made me want to stay retired. I was given the job as a substitute in a school for a week. I was not yet done with my degree, but I jumped at the chance. Of course, I had to dress masculine and I accepted this. Teaching children for a week confirmed that I loved teaching. It was a gift to be able to give these children some knowledge. It was great when we had discussions. They knew that I was a retired pop star, but this did not bother them. Some even said I was nothing like the media said I was. Being a teacher was and is the most important job a person can have. Teachers and health professionals have always had my utmost respect.
Dad still took all the credit for the success I had and was so disappointed in me that I was now retired. He told me that he was searching for a new protege that could be a star. This hurt me in a way and I suppose it was meant to hurt me. I was not that worried though. I had a great experience teaching and I knew that this career would make me happy. I also knew that Dad was an alcoholic and no record company wanted anything to do with him. Besides this, he made some very bad decisions!
My romantic life changed as well. I asked Chloe to move into the penthouse with me. I figured she would be good company and it would be a test to see if we could live together. It worked great. We were happy cooking and watching films and just talking. If this was what married life was all about, I would have no problem. Chloe always wanted to be romantic and always asked when we would have sex. She did not understand that I was still a virgin and wanted to wait until we were married. I will be honest, I just did not want to take that step. Chloe made me feel like that something was wrong with me. She even asked if I was gay. I would think Chloe had enough to think about. Her music career did not succeed and she did not know what she wanted to do.
I visited Cameron in the studio. I was so proud of him as he was such a success. He was working on new songs. He persuaded me to sing some of them. It was a strange feeling being in a studio once again. The atmosphere was special. The songs were great and would make a great album. Cameron and I were having fun as we joked and laughed together. At times we were serious and worked on improving the songs. In the end, Cameron told me that he could see that I missed being an entertainer and would keep these songs for me until I decided to come out of retirement. I told him that this would not change, but I would always help him if he needed me. The experience at the studio gave me a lot to think about.
When I came home, I rang the director that wanted me in the transgender film. I asked him if the role was still available.
Idol
Idol - 1990- Age 21
A new decade has started and I would be 21 years old this year! I knew that I was at the crossroads of my life. I promised Chloe that we would be getting married this year. She was already making the plans. I also had to decide what I wanted to do. I loved the idea of my life as a teacher. The fact is that I knew that I was good at teaching. The experience that I had teaching was some of the best things that happened in my life. I loved that I could help prepare children for their futures. At the same time, after I had fun with Cameron at the studio for songs, I started to miss the music and being an artist. You can say that I was regretting that I resigned from showbusiness. It was the case that I wanted to do two different things. The only thing that I could do was take one step at a time.
I was by now busy doing the transgender film. The film was called "Pinkerton" and the main character reminded me a lot about myself. It was about a man that was transgender and gay that was not accepted by his family or society. The man decided to be himself and be happy with who he was. It was a movie about the struggle that he had with himself and others. It was a movie that showed courage in a world where people judged. As I said, this movie meant a lot to me. I did not consider myself transgender or gay, but I was judged and this was even when I was at a young age. This movie was my way of showing my courage and telling people to get over the fact that I considered myself gender-fluid. This was my way of telling people that I would be the person that I wanted to be. If they did not like it, then they could just ignore me and judge someone else.
The studio asked me if I would do a song for the soundtrack of the film. At first, I refused, but when I told Cameron about the request, he told me that he had the perfect song. I just smiled and said that those days when I did music were gone. It was shortly afterwards that I had a strange dream. It was a dream where my mom visited me and we had some tea together. In the dream, she told me that I should do the song, but do it as a duet with Chloe. In this way, it would be easier and it would be a way to make up for the fact that I did not best to destroy Chloe's dream of becoming a singer.
I was sweating when I woke up from the dream. It seemed so real and it made me think that my mother did visit me in my dream. Ever since she died, I felt as if she was an angel. Now I was certain that it was my mother visiting me. When I told Chloe that we could do a duet, she was overjoyed. I will also admit that was great fun to do the duet with Chloe. It did not bother me if the song would be a hit or not. It was something that Chloe and I had fun doing.
The wedding was announced which got some media attention. I was seen as the child star that survived the industry and did not screw up my life with drugs or by being arrested. Daniel (my friend from university) was surprised that I would be getting married. He told me that he always thought that I was gay. This made me laugh and tell him that just because I was gender-fluid and could be feminine at times, it did not mean that I was gay.
Chloe's ambition of being a pop star was rekindled by the duet that we have done. This made me think that she could have been a star now if I did not sabotage her career when she first started. I personally missed it but did not know if I wanted to make a comeback. This is because I was afraid of being in the spotlight again... and what was worse if I failed. I wanted to make up for my past a support Chloe. So I visited Cameron and asked him if he would help Chloe do a new album. Cameron agreed to the project and said it would be a wedding gift. This meant that Chloe was now busy at the studio. In a way, this was a relief as it meant that I did not have to listen to all her plans for the wedding.
I was unsure about the wedding. I felt as if I was getting myself into something that I was not ready for. The wedding would cost as much as a Royal wedding and so many people would be coming. There were some things that worried me. Should I invite my family? If I invited them, would they cause a scandal? On top of this, who would be my best man? Would Nick even come? The worse fear that I had was that I would be a hopeless husband. I loved Chloe, but did I love her as a friend or a wife?
The media heard that Cameron was helping Chloe with a comeback. They were also interested in the wedding. This could have been an excuse for them to create a scandal. Playboy posted pictures of Chloe that she was supposed to have done when she turned 21 years old a few months ago. It was Daniel that showed me the pictures of my future wife posing nude for a magazine. I was shocked when I saw them. I had to admit they were done in good taste, but I felt betrayed when I saw them. When I confronted Chloe, she defended that it was her body and it was her choice to pose nude. She was not ashamed.
The problem was that I was ashamed and it was a big problem for me. I visited Nick to try to forget it. We had a long talk where I told him that I missed him as a friend. He agreed that it was time we buried the hatchet and were friends again. We hugged each other. Then it was as if everything went in slow motion. As we hugged, we looked into each other's eyes and then kissed each other. It was as if we always wanted to do this but never did. Before I knew it we were rolling around the bed. An hour later, we sat on the bed smoking a cigarette. I was quiet. My virginity was lost in gay sex. I felt guilty that I liked it so much and felt as if it was Nick that I was in love with and not Chloe. Nick finally said that the sex could have been a mistake as I was about to get married. We should not do it again and we should not tell Chloe. I did not think it was a mistake. The only answer that I gave Nick was that I was glad that we were friends again.
Things were very tense between Chloe and me. She thought I was upset about the playboy pictures. Chloe would tell me that she did not mind that I wore makeup or would even wear clothes that she wore. She did not mind that I was gender fluid. It was my choice. I should be the same and not get angry over her choices. The fact was that I was not mad at playboy. I felt guilty that I had sex with Nick and could not be honest and tell Chloe about it. I decided the best thing to do was to forget it happened and concentrate on Chloe. Chloe and I made up. We laughed and joked that we survived our first crisis. Deep down, I did not think that it was so funny. We had a crisis and we were not even married. Was this a sign?
The soundtrack for the movie was released. Of course, it was released at the wrong time. The movie was delayed. Still the single went to the top 10 and people were calling it a comeback and wondering when I would do an album. I was hounded by the press asking if I was out of retirement. The only response was a smile and that I had no plans of coming out of retirement. Now I was supporting Chloe with her career. It did not help that I would boast about how talented she was. The press just wanted to know my plans.
The wedding day came. Nick was my best man at the wedding. He gave me a tablet that would calm my nerves. This meant that I was pretty much high during the wedding. It was a day that I would never forget. There were tears in my eyes when I saw how beautiful Chloe was. It was when we stood at the altar, that I knew that I wanted to be married to her. While the wedding started perfectly, it became a circus. There were paparazzi everywhere. Dad was drunk and had to be escorted out. Ronny was so high, that he did a sensual dance with Chloe that was so inappropriate. Still, the day ended up with me being officially married. The honeymoon did not go any better. Chloe and I had a huge argument during the honeymoon. We were so loud in the hotel that we were staying at, that we were on the front page of the newspapers the next day with the headline, "Honeymoon war of the Divas"
When the honeymoon was over, Chloe continued working on her album. My Dad also visited me. He told me that he started his own agency where he would be a manager and make people into stars. His reasoning was that if he could make me a star, then he could do it with anyone. Dad showed me a picture of a young girl that was only 9 years old. He told me that she would be the next megastar of the music business. The problem is that he needed my help. He wanted me to persuade Cameron to help write songs for her. He also wanted me to sing a duet with her. I did not have to think about this. Dad was told that I would not help him. I would not be part of any of this. I reminded him of how he treated me and that I was just a money machine for him. Hell would freeze over before I would work with him again.
Married life was heavenly. I still remembered what Nick and I did, but marriage meant a fresh new start. While Chloe worked, I stayed at home. I loved cooking and made sure that Chloe had a good meal every day. We would do everything together. There was no need for any TV. We could spend all night in each other's arms while we talked and talked. I was interested in listening to Chloe telling me about her plans for a comeback. It did make me miss it, but I wanted her so much to succeed and be happy.
One day while Chloe was at the studio, I was looking at old pictures. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I have seen the old pictures. I could see how I was raised as a girl and was always smiling when I was with mom or grandmom. My smile disappeared when I could see that I started living with Dad. I could see that I was now treated as a boy. I looked confused and sad. As I turned the pages, I could see that the only time I smiled was when I was performing. The pictures made me think about why did my mother and granny treat me as a girl. Did they see something special in me? Was it a coincidence that the happiest time of my life was when I lived as a girl?
I found out who Dad's new protege was and visited the girl and her parents. Her name was Britney. I told her the raw truth of what Dad was like. He had no clue how to be a manager. He was dominant and demanding. He would not care about her. He would press her to the limits so that she would be more stressed than she would be happy. I could see that the young girl and her family wanted fame and fortune. I finished by telling them that they should consider signing a contract with my Dad. I promised that I would help with the girl's career.
Chloe released her album. She was overjoyed at the album. It got great reviews and it sold great. Chloe was delighted that the album was in the top 5. It was fun seeing Chloe looking at the reviews and how well her album was doing. She was in a great mood and was making plans for her future. The only thing that annoyed her was when people referred to her as my wife. I could understand that she did not want to be a success for just being associated with me. It was just as annoying for me. Whenever I read about Chloe, there was always some comment about if I would do more music. It was 4 years since I released "Society Radio". I remembered how it flopped and I felt like such a failure. Any comeback from my side could end in another failure. I am not sure that I was ready for this.
Cameron must have known my fears. He told me that he knew that I was afraid I would be a failure or bullied at being called a sissy. His answer was that failure was part of life and that we can use the failures we had to make us stronger. As for people thinking that I was a sissy, I should not care. No matter how I looked, people would find something wrong with me. Cameron helped me decide. I told him that we should work in secret. I did not want anyone to know, not even Chloe.
It was just as I was about to start recording that Dad visited me. He was very angry. Britney would not sign the contract. He just stood there yelling at me. In the end, I told him to leave. He promised that he would get revenge on me. I will be honest, I did not listen to a lot of what he had to say and I did not take it seriously. I was in shock. Just before he came, Chloe told me that she was pregnant.
Idol
Idol - 1991- Age 22
Chloe was pregnant. It was so hard for me to understand that I would be a father. I knew that I was very young to still be a Dad. I wanted to be the best Dad ever. I did not want my child to have the same type of Dad that I had. It would not be hard to be worse than he was. Still, I did get some anxiety thinking about how this would change my life. I could no longer be the selfish diva that was only worried about what people would think about me.
Every married couple has its own song. We decided that our song would be "Nothing compares to you" by Sinéad O'Connor. We thought it was a brilliant song that could make a person cry. It was not until I listened to the words of it that I realized that it was a song about a breakup in a relationship. Chloe and I were probably the only married couple that had their love song as one about the end of a relationship. I hated the idea of divorce. I made a promise to be Chloe's husband for eternity, despite the text of our special song.
I was busy working on the album. It was fun and I did not realize how much I missed it. Keeping it a secret was hard and there was so much to do. I decided that Nick should know. He was a bit surprised that I wanted to keep it a secret. He also understood that I wanted to make sure that it was good enough to be released. It was only when I knew that I would be proud of the music that I asked Nick if he would be my personal assistant. This offer overjoyed Nick. He thought it was very wise, as he said that besides Chloe, he knew me the best and knew what help I needed.
Besides working on the music, I knew that I had to get active in the media circus. So I appeared on a good morning show for national TV. The hosts were very busy asking about my marriage. They tried to imply that it was a PR stunt to stop the rumours about me being gay. They also talked about what gender I thought I was and how did Chloe accept that I could be a crossdresser and feminine. These questions hurt so much. I felt as if they were trying to humiliate me. The worse thing is when they asked what our child would say about his father being transgender. I explained that I was transgender when I was young, and then dad forced me to be the boy he thought God wanted me to be. Now I considered myself androgynous. I was gender-fluid. Did this mean I was a bad person or an evil influence on others? I still had a good heart. Then I told them that I hoped that people would judge me by my music, and a new album was being released soon. I did not mean to say this, but it did shut them up.
When I came home, Chloe was upset. She wanted to know why I did not tell her that I was working on music again. Chloe said she thought that I would take care of the baby while she pursued her career. This made me open my big mouth and tell her that I thought it was the woman's job to stay home and take care of the children. This upset Chloe a lot and asked me did I expect her to give up her career after she finally have become a success. Did I expect to repair my career that was in the gutters? She reminded me that my last album was 6 years ago and that everyone thought that I was weird. She continued throwing insults at me. When she asked me who wore the dress in our family, I walked out and slammed the door.
I went to visit Daniel. He could see that I was sad. I told him about the argument. Daniel laughed and said I was very brave for telling a woman that her place is in the kitchen. This did not seem so funny at the time. I told Daniel that maybe she knew that I was together with Nick. This meant that I of course had to tell the story of when Nick and I were intimate with each other. This was hard to admit as I did not want Daniel to think that I was gay. Daniel did not judge me. His only comment was that it was my guilt that was nagging me and that maybe I should tell Chloe.
Chloe and I did not have a chance to make peace. She was busy planning what she would now do in her career and the movie I did was released. It got mixed reviews. Some thought I was a bad actor. Most of the reviews were that it was me telling people that I was transgender and the message of the film was dangerous, as it was telling people (especially young people) that it was OK to be gay and not want to be the same sex as God created you. The media also noticed that Chloe was not at the premiere. We were still mad at each other. Despite all the negativity, the film did well. It was by no means a blockbuster, but it was not considered a flop.
Dad took this opportunity to get the revenge that he promised. He told the press that he was ashamed of me. Dad said that I have always been a strange child. "Dakota had always been confused about social norms," he said, "He thought he was a girl one day and a boy the next day. My son tries to use his influence on telling people it is ok for a man to wear a dress or to be gay. I don't know about you, but are we not getting tired of him pushing his LGBT agenda on us? The thing is that Dakota is talented but has lost the respect his fans had for him. We all know that his marriage is a PR stunt and that he is as gay as could be. What did I do wrong as a father that I am so ashamed of my son?"
Dad's comments hurt me. I should not have expected him to say anything good, but having a parent that was ashamed of you was hard. I was ready to make a comeback and wanted people to like me for my music and talent. The only thing that they talked about was my sexuality and how I identified myself. It was a sin for them if I did not dress in a very masculine way. I visited moms grave. I wished that she was here and could give me advice. Was it wise that I even tried to have a comeback?
I tried to apologize to Chloe and tell her that I was an idiot. There could be a place for her career and my career. When our baby was born, we could work as a team. Chloe was moody. She did not like being pregnant. At times, I did not think she even wanted a child. It was as if a child was an obstacle to her dreams and plans. At one stage she asked me how would we be parents. Were we good role models? Were we too egotist? What would we do if our child was as confused about his or her identity as I was?
I had to speak with someone so I visited Daniel. He had problems of his own. He did not have a job. When I told him about my problems with Chloe, Daniel explained not to take them too seriously. Pregnant women were very emotional. Daniel managed to calm my fears and give me hope. I leaned forward and gave him a kiss. It was a kiss on the lips. This shocked Daniel and he asked what the hell I was doing. Daniel was not gay. He told me that it would be best if I left.
This should have been an exciting time in my life. I felt as if the world was against me and there was no hope. Chloe was being strange and I made a mistake with Daniel. Chloe's mom said she also wanted to speak with me. Her talk was not as bad as I feared. She told me to be brave about the comeback attempt and not doubt my talent. People will constantly talk about how I dressed and would think I was transgender. Chloe's mom thought I should be how I wanted to be and not worry about what society thought. "Other pop stars wear colourful clothes, long hair and make-up. Look at Boy George and David Bowie. See how Elton John dresses. You are gender fluid and can be masculine or feminine. Who cares? This is what makes you so special. Do not let other people judge you!"
I was happy that Chloe's mom tried to help me. The album came out. It was called "Teardrops in Springtime" and had a picture of me in a white jumpsuit on the cover. The reviews were very good. Some called it some of the best songs I have ever done. Some said that it showed that I was now grown up and this could be seen in my music. The album and the lead single went in the top 5. I was a bit disappointed that it did not go all the way to the top, but at least it did not flop. It meant that I was still relevant in the music industry.
The record company did their best to create a comeback mania. This meant that I had to do a lot of interviews and talk shows. I had my demands when I did these. This meant I did not want to talk about how I was treated as a girl when I was a child. I did not want to discuss my Dad. If I was to talk about my identity, I would explain that I was androgynous. I was genderfluid. This did not make me a bad person. It was my goal that these interviews were about the music. I praised Cameron and said that without him, there could be no music. I also praised Chloe for being the best wife and how excited I was that I would soon be a Dad, One thing that I constantly said was that Chloe was very talented and I was her biggest fan.
Chloe liked that I said nice things about her in public. I told her that I was not a good person and I did not deserve her. This gave me an opportunity to tell her that Nick was the first person that I was intimate with. I did not tell her it was just a few weeks before we got married. She did not need to know everything. Chloe went pale when I told her and was quiet. Then she said that she always suspected that I was bisexual. She was just worried that she could not please me and that I would always want something else. I hugged my wife and told her that I made a vow that she was the only one in my life. I did not need to be unfaithful. This was of course a lie. After all, I kissed and flirted with Daniel.
The day came when Chloe gave birth. She gave birth to a healthy boy. We named him Sebastian. This was the happiest time of my life. I was now a father and spent a lot of time with Sebastian. He was a miracle and the idea that he was my son showed me how blessed I was. I know had a movie that did well. The album did well and had some hit singles. The success of my career was nothing compared to the pride that I had with Sebastian. My son and my wife were the most important part of my life. My career could go to the dumps and the whole world could hate me. This did not matter once that I had a family.
Daniel visited me one day while Chloe was at the studio. I apologized for the kiss and he accepted my apology. After we talked a lot about Sebastian, he told me about his life. Daniel still could not find any work and he owed a lot of money. Without thinking, I offered him some money. I did this as a friend and not thinking it would look like I was boasting. Daniel got mad when I offered him money. He told me that he had pride and did not need my sympathy or charity. He stormed out of the house. This made me think of what I did wrong. I was just trying to help.
More bad news came, as my lawyer told me that Dad was going to sue me. He thought that I broke the contract that we had once when he was my manager. He also thought that I owed him money from the time that I sold the mansion. The lawyer suggested that we settled out of court. I refused to do this. If Dad wanted my money, he would have to work for it.
The record company also wanted me to go on a world tour to support "Teardrops in Springtime". I did not want to do this. Chloe was working on new music and I was happy being at home with Sebastian. However, under pressure, I agreed to do the world tour. It was part of what was expected of me. The solution was that we hired Daniel as a nanny for Sebastian. He would not accept charity but he was happy that he could work for money. This gave me a chance to preparing the new world tour.
Chloe and I were always hounded by the paparazzi. While we did not always like these vouchers, we knew it was part of life as a celebrity. What worried us was that we now had a son. We wanted some privacy and to feel as if we were safe. We decided to move and buy our own piece of paradise. Michael Jackson had neverland and Elvis had Graceland. We bought a small manor house that had its own farm. A Duke once owned it. The house was called "Kilmacoon Manor". The locals did not like the idea that some celebrities would own a piece of their history. We were happy as could be.
After we moved to Kilmacoom, Nick visited me. He wanted a private talk. The fact was that he missed the sex we had and wanted to know if we could be secret lovers. Nick told me that he loved me!
Idol
Idol - 1992- Age 23
"I have always been in love with you," Nick told me.
"You are my dearest friend. This will never change"
"You do not understand Dakota, ever since you and I had sex together, I have missed it so much. I dream of us doing it again. It makes me feel so bad. Chloe is also my best friend. I don't want to hurt your marriage, but this is just how I feel."
I hugged Nick and told him that I understood him. I often thought about what we have done in bed years ago and missed it. However, I was now a married man that made vows with Chloe. It was important for me that I was faithful to my wife. Not only did I have her to think about. Chloe, I had to think about Sebastian. The fact was that I knew I was bisexual. This did not give me any right to jump in bed with anyone that I fancied. Nick understood this. The sexual feelings we had for each other could never become to reality.
Being a father was something that I enjoyed so much. It was amazing to watch Sebastian every day as he learned new things. It was strange watching him explore life. It was a big responsibility that Chloe and I were responsible for that he had the best start in life and that we would support and protect him at all times. We did have conversations about what would happen in different situations. What would we do if he was gay? What would we do if he wanted to join a religious sect? What would we do if he was a bully? This discussion was so frustrating. It made us realize that so many things could go wrong. We decided the best we could do is to raise Sebastian as well as we could and take the challenges as they came.
"There is one thing that I have thought about?" Chloe said, "We are famous and in the public eye. Some of my videos have been very sexy while you have and you are known for being androgynous or genderfluid or whatever you want to call it. What if others tease Sebastian for the image we have or what if it embarrasses him in who his parents are?"
I know that Chloe did not say this to hurt me or say I was a bad dad. To be honest, this is something that I also thought about. I have been judged all my life. Despite that I was content with being feminine and masculine, other people could not accept this. I did not want this for my son. One thing is people could bug him about how I looked. He should not be bullied about his Dad's image. I got so worried that I discussed it with the record company boss.
"I do not know how many times we discussed this," He said, "You have been confused about your identity since we met. Other celebrities wear make-up and they can be quite feminine. Micael Jackson is feminine one day and another day he is macho. You have to learn to be proud of who you are. If you are genderfluid, then be proud and love yourself. You have many fans and can influence a generation of people. You can show them it is ok to be different. The main thing is to respect each other and be proud of who you are"
Nick, who was my assistant told me that he had been receiving a lot of messages from Britney's mother. She was the girl I promised to help if she did not sign a contract with Dad. The thing was that I did nothing to help her and this made her mother impatient. I told Nick to send some flowers to Britney and that I did not have time. I thought I had a good excuse. I was about to go on a world tour and when I was not busy with that, I was enjoying being together with Sebastian. I will also be honest that I did not want to help her. It's not as if I knew her very well. I just did not want her under my Dads control. Other than that, I knew nothing about her.
The court case with Dad came. It was Dad's revenge to get some money and humiliate me. I did not even bother going to court. I did not want to give him the satisfaction that I would be in the same building as he was. The court case was a media circus. Some say I was being a bad son. Dad thought that he should get money from the mansion that I sold. Then he thought that I owed him money and blamed me for breaking a contract when I no longer wanted him as a manager. He wasted no time in telling the court about how ashamed he was of me and my gender identity and being a closet homosexual made me a bad person. My lawyers used this as a defence. If he was so ashamed of me, how could he be a good manager for me? Besides this, he bought the mansion with my money and it was in my name. It was said that he could have been put in jail because he used most of the money that I earned when I was a child. The judge agreed with my lawyers and said that Dad mismanaged my fortune for his personal use. He did not have my best interests in his heart and used me and my talent to get rich. The mansion was under my name and I did not owe Dad anything. This all meant that my Dad lost the court case. I am sure it cost him a lot to pay for lawyers and whatnot. Where did he get money to pay for this?
Ronny (my oldest brother) was also in the media. He was now a porn star and was having some success because of his connection with me. This was hard for me. It was not so much the fact that he was in porn movies, it was because people were calling him my brother. It was like he was using my fame to get famous himself. I knew that I had a lot of young fans and they would be thinking that my family was so screwed up and had no morals. My brother chose his path. My Dad chose to try to publicly shame me. Up to now, I have been paying for the flat where they lived. I told Nick to stop paying the rent and that no further money would be given to my brother or my father. Nick was worried that this would get bad media attention. I did not care. My brother and Dad did not love me and I would not pay for their love.
I was happy that we now lived at Kilmacoom, the old manor estate. I felt so safe there. The paparazzi could not come in and we had a good security system. This was important for me. The reason was that I was so afraid that someone would try to hurt or even kidnap Sebastian. Kilmacoom also gave me the chance to make it into the best home a child could have. I always admired what Michael Jackson did with Neverland, so I wanted Kilmacoom to also be a fun place. I built a huge playground. That is all that I got permission to do. Chloe did not want a zoo or an amusement park.
The confusion about my identity was something that was bothering me a lot lately. I wanted Sebastian to have a happy childhood with a normal family. Despite I knew that I was genderfluid and happy with this identity, I knew how hard it was when people judged me and thought I was weird. I could give in to this and try to be like any normal man. Yeah... right... this would not happen. It has taken me years to know and accept my identity. If people got confused if I was transgender or not, then that would be part of a game I could play with everyone. They would be wondering if I defined myself as feminine or masculine. I could use their narrow-minded, and then they would be more confused about my identity. The big thing is that I knew who I was. I was proud of it.
It was difficult for me to embark on a world tour. I did not want to leave Sebastian. He had become a central part of my life. I would be gone for months without seeing him. Chloe told me there was no way that she could come on tour with him. Besides the fact that he was too young, she was finishing a new album. So I felt so alone when I was on tour. I missed my son so much. It should have consoled me that the tour was a success. It was relieving to know that my fans were still interested. The reviews in the press were very positive and some of my greatest critics were writing about how they missed me. Even the fashion magazines liked what I wore. I was getting to like colourful clothes in bright colours. They were of course unisex in a very feminine way. I was at a stage where I still liked long tops that went down to my knees and nearly looked like a dress. I still felt happiest when I had makeup on. I did not care if people thought I was feminine or not. If they didn't like how I expressed myself, then they did not have to come to see me. I did not read when people judged how I identified myself. This being said, I did hear one magazine write that I made the idea of being transgender seem cool. Besides it being positive, I thought it was funny that some thought I was transgender. I did not think I was.
The world tour was a short one. This was for practical reasons. We did not know if I would be accepted back into show business and if people would buy tickets. It also suited me fine. Nick was constantly flirting with me hoping I would have sex with him now that Chloe was not here. This did not happen. I avoided this temptation remembering my vows to Chloe and to be honest, I was proud of myself for doing this.
In a way, it was good that the world tour was so short. I missed Sebastian so much and Chloe released a new album. This meant that she was busy promoting it. I was satisfied staying home with Sebastian. I was pressured to start working on new music or a new film. The powers to be were not happy when I told them that I did not want to do more films and wanted to concentrate on music. This was a process for me. I had to get that certain itch to do new music. At this time, I did not have this itch or the inspiration to do new music. This was Chloe's turn to be in the limelight and I was happy being at home taking care of our child.
I was in a media shitstorm shortly after the world tour. The mother of the girl I promised to help told the media of my promise and the fact that I never kept the promise. This made me look like a cold-hearted person. One journalist wrote, "If Dakota used his time to remember the promises he made and not make a big deal that he doesn't see a problem being feminine, then he would be a good role model." What could I do after reading this except sigh? It was the media that kept going on about how I dressed and if I was transgender or not. The bit about me not keeping my promise I did was true. It was a promise I made to keep her away from my Dads influence. Maybe I meant to keep it at one stage, but my heart was not in it. I did not know this girl. She meant nothing to me.
All this meant that I was not a saint. I considered myself overall a good person, but I had many flaws. One of them was that I was so jealous of the success Chloe was having. While I could not complain about the success of my comeback, Chloe was doing far better. While I felt bad for my jealousy, I also could not get rid of the feeling. A part of me wanted her to fail or at least I would do better than her. I felt as if I had more talent and experience. Her success was also because I helped her so much. This is nothing we talked about. I just smiled every time she boasted about her success.
Nick also resigned from being my assistant. He explained to me that he had strong feelings toward me and thought I was not in love with Chloe. Nick wanted me to admit to myself that I was gay. This was nothing that I would do. It could destroy my career and would Sebastian be allowed to be with me? I denied that I was gay and this upset Nick. He told me that he could no longer be around me as it hurt him so much.
I began to question if there was an element of truth to what Nick said. Long ago, I knew that I was bisexual and maybe mostly gay. I just did not want to come out of the closet as I was afraid of what people would think. There was also the question of Sebastian. He needed to be in my life. This being said I doubted very much if I even loved Chloe. She was not the same as the good friend I had years ago. Even when we were intimate with each other, it was now more a chore than love.
Nick was gone and maybe this would help me concentrate on my marriage. Time would tell...
Idol
Idol - 1993- Age 24
When I looked at the news or spoke with people, I could see how lucky I was. I did not have to worry about money. I had a family and a son that I loved and adored. My career was going well. The thing was that I was lucky that my comeback was a success. The last album did not sell as well as my albums did previously, but it was not considered a flop. The thing was that I had a comfortable life that most other people did not have. This made me grateful and felt that I was so lucky.
Still, it was like I was missing something. Considering the life and success that I had, I should have been the happiest man on Earth. This was not the case. I tried to think of what I needed. The only answer that I could come up with was that it was my identity that was a problem. While it is true that I accepted that I was not masculine and did not care what others thought of me, I wondered if this was good enough. I started getting information on what the doctor called female transition. It meant I would get rid of all my body hair, get breasts and have a more feminine face and body. While I was seriously considering doing this, Chloe did not want to hear about it.
"You will never be happy," she said, "I have known you from the time you were a child. You were always confused about who you were. One day you wanted to be a boy and another day you wanted to be a girl. You were always sensitive that others would accept you. I always thought that this was because your mother and granny could not accept you were a boy and your dad could not understand your girly side. Now you want to be a full sissy! Do you not even think of how this would affect our marriage and if I wanted these changes? Did you not consider that it would confuse Sebastian? Not only this, it would destroy your career. The world does not respect sissies and they do not want them as their idol or someone they looked up to."
Chloe was right, I had to respect her views and think of Sebastian. I also had to think of the image that was so important for my career. Besides this, there was so much happening in my life. My brother Ronny visited me which surprised me. He had not spoken with me for years. It did not surprise me that he just wanted money. He just had become a Dad himself. His girlfriend just had a baby daughter. I told him that I would not be giving him anything. He was always jealous of me and treated me like shit since I was a child. He only spoke to me when he wanted money. I did not owe him anything. Besides all this, he could use the money he got from being a pornstar.
I hired a new assistant to take care of all the practical things for me. I was so sad that Nick resigned and I knew that I missed him. The new assistant was my age and came from Ireland. His name was Justin and I chose him after he said that he was not a fan. I did not want someone to agree with everything that he said. He did look cute and I tried telling myself that this did not help his job application. It was obvious that he worked out at the gym. Chloe asked why did I hire a young man that was very cute and not some old geezer that had more qualifications. I am not sure if she believed me when I said that Justin was qualified.
I started to work once again on a new album. I told Cameron that I wanted this to be a party album and something that would make people smile and have fun. Maybe this is something that I needed at this stage of my life. When I told Cameron this, then he had a smile on his face. Doing the album was extremely fun. I asked Chloe if she wanted to be a backing singer. She refused. She even refused to do a duet. Nick agreed to be a backing singer. He said he needed the money. The best thing was that Sebastian was often at the recording sessions. If you listen closely to the songs, you can hear him giggling or trying to sing along. I told everyone this should not be edited out of the album. While there was nothing special about this album, it was one that I had the most fun with. Looking back at it, if we experimented a bit more and did not try to play it so safely, it would have been one of the greatest albums of the decade.
It was when we were recording this album that Cameron told me that he wanted to tell me something private. I was expecting something major or shocking when he said this. It turned out that he told me that he was gay. I gave him a hug and told him there was nothing wrong with that.
"I would ask you to keep this a secret," he said, "I am not ready for the world to know it. In a way, I feel lucky. I know many people that are gay and cannot even admit it to themselves. At least I can be at peace with myself." Cameron looked deep into my eyes as he said this.
I did not respect Cameron's wish to keep his secret to myself. I told Chloe. I did not think that this was wrong at the time. She was my wife and we share everything together. Chloe's answer shocked me. She told me that she always knew there was something strange about Cameron. She thought he was a pervert for being gay. She had no wish to have him help her with her albums. She did not want him around Sebastian either. I did not know how to respond. She always accepted that Nick was gay. She even knew that Nick and I were once together. Was Chloe changing to a woman that I no longer knew or understood? Was she now anti-gay and becoming a prude? All I knew is she was quite serious when she said that Cameron was not allowed to see our son.
It was also at this stage that an intruder was caught on our grounds at Kilmacoom. This worried me as I always felt safe there. Justin tried to convince me to see the positive side of the event. It would keep us in the media which was very important as I was planning a new album. People loved victims. I screamed back that I did not want to be a victim. All my life people thought that I was a victim because my mother and grandmother feminized me. They thought that this screwed up my mind and I wanted to be something that God did not plan for me. It worried me that the intruder had a gun. Did this crazy man want to hurt one of us so much?
The PR machine for the new album was set in motion. The cover had me in denim overalls with butterflies on them dancing in front of a pink dance ball. We decided that the name of the album should be called "Night Jive". Justin was a great help and supported me where he could. I did miss Nick as we were friends. Justin was not a friend. Maybe this was because I looked up to him so much. He was very demanding and bossy, but I allowed this. In a way, it was nice that he started to do the thinking for me. I trusted his judgement, even though he had no experience.
A lot was on my mind. I was always worried about when an album would be released. Would people like it would it be a flop? I missed Nick. Chloe and I seemed to be growing apart and then there was the intruder incident. I always wondered if Cameron was referring to me when he said that some people could not admit that they were gay. Just before I released the album, I was taking a walk in the park to clear my thoughts. I went to a public toilet where there was a glory hole. You can guess what happened now. A man in the next stall decided to use the glory hole and I ended up servicing him. Of course, I had guilt after this. I did something gay and I cheated on my wife. At the same time, I loved every minute of it.
I did not speak to Chloe about this. In a way, I had an excuse. We were getting a lot of hate mail after the intruder incident was in the media. Some people were disappointed he did not succeed. This led to Chloe and I agreeing on one thing. We would keep Sebastian out of the public eye. We did not want people to know what he looked like. We were afraid that he would be kidnapped or hurt. I will be honest, I was not so concerned about my own safety but was very worried about the safety of my son.
Justin kissed me one day when we were alone. I told him that he overstepped my boundaries. Justin just smiled and told me that I could not hide who I truly was from him. Then he leaned down and kissed me again. I let him. Was it so obvious to others that I had gay tendencies? Was it because of the way I looked or dressed, or did some people have a gay radar?
"Night Jive" was released and it flew to the top of the charts. The lead single also did well. The reviews were great. Despite this, the album went down the charts quite quickly. The sales were not as good as I hoped. Ir was not a flop but not the sales that I was used to. It made me think that in my business, careers are very short. Many pop stars are one-hit wonders and many can release a few albums. This could mean that my glory days would be something in the past. It could be because I was a child star and child stars do have problems being accepted as an adult. It could also be that many thought I was just a sissy and could not deal with that. A lot of singers come and go, and fans could have found someone else they liked better. At any rate, I found it hard to accept that I would at some stage not have fans. I still had a lot to give the world.
Chloe wanted to go on holiday to some tropical island. I told her that this was the worse time to do it. I was busy trying to promote "Night Jive" and doing some videos for singles. This meant interviews and appearances. To be honest, I did not like that she wanted to go on holiday while I was busy. I did not ask her to go on holiday when she was promoting her music. Besides the professional side of my life, my family was causing concern. Cameron told me that our brother could not take care of his daughter. Both he and his girlfriend were addicts They did not love their daughter and were not capable of taking care of her. Cameron was asked if he would adopt her. He did not think that he could do this and wanted to know if I would. I was willing, but Chloe said no. There was no way she wanted to take care of a drug-addict baby. My wife was becoming more and more cold-hearted every day!
Maybe that is why I spent more time at the studio. Chloe's negativity was hard to live with. Chloe noticed this and asked if I was having an affair. I smiled and asked her why I would do that if she was the only woman that I would ever need. Besides this, I could not deal with two women in my life. Chloe looked at me with a strange look. This made me go in self-defence and tell her that I was disappointed that she did not trust me. I tried to show her how much it hurt. Chloe started crying and apologised for doubting me.
I never did like it when women cried. I also felt guilty. Justin and I were having sex when we could. This started as something innocent and a bit of flirting. However, now Chloe was right in assuming that I was having an affair. She just thought that it was a woman. I tried to make myself by saying that it was not love. It was just fun. The problem was that I was not so sure that I loved Chloe either.
Chloe was very mad at me when I told her that I would be getting plastic surgery. I wanted a more feminine face as well as no hair on my body or shaving. I also wanted a more feminine body, and this meant breast implants. After I said this, I had never seen Chloe so mad. She shouted that she was not going to be married to a sissy. I had to remind her that she first became my friend when I was wearing dresses. She always knew who I was.
I was not going to listen to people anymore on how I should look. I was not going to hide anymore