Grandma on Guard - Chapter 12 of 14

Wednesday morning, 10AM at the mall
"Titia! What are you doing here? You're supposed to be asleep!"

"Ah, but my mystical powers over mythical beasts have changed all that."

"Come again?"

"Right here in the store in front of everybody?"

"You… You'll pay for that!"

"I sincerely hope so, but right now I need to see about store credit. I need a fast update on my wardrobe. As of about two hours ago Titus is one with history. Titia starts at nine in the morning on Thursday."

"Which explains why you're strolling in the sunshine today. Let me get you one of the computers so you can fill out the form."

"Computer? How hi-tech."

"Paper and pencil is obsolete. Just fill out all the boxes and try not to swear too much when the fool thing rejects your entry and doesn't tell you why."

"I suppose I'll have to use Titus since I haven't made a name change yet."

"Only if you want them to see your credit score, otherwise you strike out."

"And I'd rather have a ball shopping. I just hope the job lasts longer than the payments on the new clothes."

"You can always move in with me if you don't want to sleep under a bridge."

"I think we need to wait for my lease to be up before we make that sort of decision. Besides, it would be awkward to ask you grandmother for your hand in marriage when she's my boss."

"You wouldn't!"

"If we still want to live together after we've known each other for a while longer, then we can talk about it. I don't want to make another big decision while I'm high about finally living as Titia."

"You're as bad as Grams, always so sensible. I guess I love you even if you're too sensible."

"Whoa! Where did that come from?"

"You, of course. I think I love you, but I'll try to be sensible about it."

"This whole fairy tale thing must be catching. Mythical beasties, fair princesses from ugly toads and now love at first sight. We may have to move into a castle and invite your Grandmother to be our fairy godmother."

"Only if she stays in the other wing of the castle. I don't want her to hear you screaming when I have my way with you."

"I think we had better change the subject or I might not be able to be Titia too convincingly."

"How sweet. Want me help to get you to sleep tonight before your big day?"

"You do have the nicest ideas. I can see why they made you a manager. Did I fill this thing out right or did you distract me too much?"

"I don't hear that annoying buzz, so I guess it must be satisfied. Let it think a minute… Nice! You can spend two grand and I get the commission on all of it!"

"In your dreams. If I go bankrupt I'll have to marry you and become your kept woman. I'm much more interested in an equal partnership."

"Oddly enough, so am I. I guess you'll just have to settle for my employee discount if the computer doesn't complain about using your credit for my purchases. Sometimes the computers are so rigid."

A problem I'm concerned with at this moment."

"Not all girl yet, sweetie?"

"Not unless I marry a sugar daddy who wants to send me to Thailand."

"Maybe we can vacation there when the time comes."

"I like a woman who thinks big. Meanwhile, I need something that will look good on a personal assistant to the head of guard services."

"I assume tending toward skirts and not slacks?"

"You know me well, my dear."

"I hope you're not planning to wear a girdle or a corset."

"Not for work, This isn't the stone ages like your grandmother grew up in."

"And she thinks you're insane to wear a girdle."

"It caught me a Sasquatch, didn't it?"

"Interesting bait you're using."

"No, I'm the bait on Friday."

"Be careful. Please?"

"I will. I have Paula and Brian and the cops double dating with me. I'll be safe unless he wants to get me into his bed."

"That could be interesting, especially as you belong in my bed, not his."

"Clothes? You're awfully distractable for a manager, Paula."

"We're going to put some skid marks on your plastic, girl. You absolutely must have this skirt to start with…"

Paula the elder, Thursday morning
"Doughnuts, Paula?"

"Doughnuts, Titia?"

Great minds think alike. Got to make a good first impression."

"And you're wearing a skirt. I didn't think a crotchety old lady like you even owned a skirt."

"And I knew a smartass young lady like you would certainly be wearing a skirt. Can't let the help outclass the boss, can I?"

"Morning, Joanie, nice to see you again. May I introduce my new assistant, Titia?"

"Good to see you, too, Paula. And nice to meet you, Titia. I hope you two will be happy running this madhouse. I know I'm going to be happy being retired."

"Go ahead and rub it in!"

"My pleasure. Al is waiting for you, go right in, Paula. Titia, I'll try to give you a running start about what happens out here while Al is confusing Paula. Pull up a chair."

 

"Coffee! I need coffee!" moaned Paula.

"I'll pour, you get sugar. Lots of sugar!" answered Titia.

"You know I take it black."

"Let me get a couple of toothpicks for your eyelids. You're going to need the sugar to keep awake. Who said switching shifts from night to day was easy?"

"Some num-nutz who never tried himself. Where's the candy machine? I'll get my sugar from a candy bar. Chocolate! Give me Chocolate?"

"Instant mocha, eh?"

"I hope we haven't bored you ladies into a stupor with all the details this morning," Al said as he and Joanie came over with their own mid-morning pick-me-up."

"Somehow this whole Sasquatch thing has completely screwed up our gentle transition, hasn't it?"

"Sasquatch?" queried Joanie.

"Sorry, our personal shorthand for the guy that tried to break into the warehouse a while back. By pure blind luck the suspect tried to hit on Titia last week and she ran with it. He's a hairy bugger about seven feet tall so we gave him a nickname. Now she has a hot date with a mythical beastie. That probably ought not to go outside us four, though."

"You sure know how to pick 'em, Titia," grinned Joanie. "Think he may have a cousin interested in a double date?"

"Now Joanie," laughed Titia, "I'm not sure you'd want to snuggle up too closely with the dude, he has a temper and I don't think he was wearing a flea collar. Better get Al to take you out for dinner and a movie, I'm sure you'd enjoy it much more and you'll both have the time available very soon."

°°Now that girl just proved how resourceful she is,°° thought Paula. °°Nice soft pitch!'°°

"Well I…" began Al.

"Don't blow it, Al," laughed Paula. "Catch her before she can think of a reason to refuse!"

"Why not?" asked Al. "Steak or seafood. Or maybe that new Tibetan place since we're talking about a Yeti."

"I'd love to!"

Good thing Al couldn't see Joanie wink at Titia from where he was sitting.

"So now we have that settled, where's the nearest candy machine. I need help keeping awake, and no - it's not because you're boring Al, I'm just trying to convince my body I should be awake during the day."

"Allow me, Paula. I'll be glad to show you."

"Thank you all for coming in," said Detective Matt Pierson. "I appreciate you're willingness to help."

"You could say we have a personal interest in getting this guy behind bars," commented Paula. "some of us more than others."

"Now, uh, Ms, uh, Burns, I understand you have arranged a date with the suspect."

"Please, call me Titia. Well, he arranged it with me, but I certainly intend to be there. I take it with my suspicions he may be involved in another job on Saturday you don't intend to simply arrest him?"

"That would be our plan. From what we can gather, the place they tried to enter is connected with several other similar research outfits, and there have been other attempts to enter, some successful, and even some physical damage.

"These days data can be far more valuable than anything tangible. Since our current guest had a very good camera with him we can assume the intruders want photos of the layout and the equipment the researchers are using. We're treating it as industrial espionage, but there have been hints that there may be more involved. The bad guys aren't the only ones who clam up at times."

"So I should encourage Cody to ply me with drink to try and get me into bed with him, hoping he will let something slip that will help us know what's going down on Saturday. All I ask is the bartender makes sure my drinks are such that I won't want to go to bed with him."

"I… Well… We don't…"

"Relax, Detective," laughed Titia. "You can say it - I'm transgendered and he probably wouldn't appreciate it if he did get me into his bed."

"I… This is a bit beyond my pay grade. I haven't dealt with anything quite like this and I don't want to offend you when you're helping us."

"So I'll try to save you some embarrassment. The outfit I'm planning to wear tomorrow would make it rather difficult to hide a wire, but since I have fake breasts I would expect your techs could come up with something to fit in my bra so you can all listen in. Since most men tend to talk at my breasts anyway, I suppose that will help to get a good pickup. Do they make nipple microphones?"

Since Titia delivered that line with such deadpan accuracy we all couldn't help but laugh and the tension was broken. We spent a good hour going over details and casting scenarios. It was a good thing that Titia had the presence of mind to suggest a place to the Sasquatch so there could be people in place to both listen in and come to the rescue if things went sour.