As you might guess, there is quite a story of how I got to this position. I think I will start with my mom.
In school, she excelled both academically and athletically. Though some were jealous of her, her friendly easy going demeanor made her quite popular. She could blend in and play with either the boys or the girls (though she admits preferring playing with the boys in elementary school).
As she matured, she became quite a beauty and learned to enhance her beauty with minimal makeup. She always had many offers for dates. She proudly states that she dated every boy in her high school class (all 57 of them) at least once. Though she had to ask 5 who were too shy to approach her. She found she preferred the quiet shy guys, to the cocky aggressive ones (she knew this was mostly an act for the other boys, but still found it annoying).
In high school, she was captain of the basketball and volleyball teams, and pitched, played shortstop and was a top hitter on the softball team. Academically, she was second in her class (she blames bias of a few teachers who felt the valedictorian should be male). She was also second in the voting for prom queen (which she blames on the jealousy of other girls).
She went to Pepperdine University on a Volleyball scholarship. Her roommate introduced her to the joys of Lesbian sex. She found that she much preferred the soft gentle patient strokes of another woman, to the frantic, overly aggressive groping she had experienced with boys in high school.
She self-taught herself computer programing. Her school computer teacher noted this and arranged a few small jobs, most were websites for local merchants. Her first efforts were well received and she soon had more work than she could handle and an income independent from her parents. This became important when she confided to her mother that she was attracted to women, not men. Her mother stopped her father from trying to beat it out of her. But they agreed that unless she changed (she really hadn’t been intimate with anyone of either sex), that she was not welcome to stay with them after she finished high school.
True to their word, the day after she graduated they told her it was time for her to leave. She hitched her way to silicon valley. But she found self-taught programmers were a hard sell to the corporate world. So she found herself trying to work her way through college with a combination of programming, food service, and janitorial jobs.
When they both found jobs in the San Francisco area (Frankie with St. Katherine’s a private girls school and Jane with Apple) they agreed to share an apartment. They both found themselves spending many hours on work, Jane with her coding, and Frankie with lesson plans and grading. Neither had time or energy for the mating games. With the friendship, respect and trust they already had, it was easy to become lovers.
Jane was very productive, and this was recognized with raises, promotions, and stock options. She was slowly becoming wealthy and decided to buy them a house. Frankie’s success was an as best new teacher and then the favorite teacher (quite an accomplishment when teaching such hated subjects as Chemistry and Physics) but wasn’t accompanied by much monetary recognition. Frankie objected that she couldn’t afford half a house. Jane countered that while same-sex marriage was not yet legal in California she wanted a lifelong commitment to stay together and share their lives. When Frankie thought about it she realized that is what she wanted also.
When same-sex marriage became legal they got married. Sadly Jane’s parents declined to attend.
By the way, We all call Frankie mom and Jane mother.
Along with this, someone was stirring protest against the Lesbian teacher.
Mom and mother decided that they wouldn’t put up with this. They put the house up for sale and bought 10 acres in Oregon. It wasn’t really remote, but we couldn’t see any neighbors from the house.
The first adventure was the four of us moving into a small camper trailer. While TJ and I had our own beds, my memory is that we usually ended up all cuddled together in my parent's bed. First, they built us a not so little playhouse, complete with cots and a porta potty. Then they added a gym with two swings, a teeter-totter, a two-seat glider, and a fort with a ladder up, a slide down, and a pole to slide down through a hole in the floor. They fenced in the play area and added a large dog house.
I remember TJ and I were taken to pick out puppies from a litter of golden retrievers. I named mine Chuckie (against mom’s advice) and TJ named hers Goldie (not too creative but she was only 2). Chuckie and Goldie were both females, so I was outnumbered 5 to 1.
I was put in charge (pretty heady for a 4 yr old) but I don’t remember either TJ or the dogs ever following my orders (eventually the dogs were well trained).
After convincing themselves TJ could handle the ups and downs of the fort and that we could successfully use the porta potty, mom and mother went about building our homestead, leaving me in charge at the playground. They did train me to contact them on a walkie talkie for emergencies, which were few and minor.
I remember them cutting down trees and clearing land with Herbie our old Ford tractor.
Mom and mother would be tired and sore but would play their guitars, for family sing-alongs, around the fire pit they had built. We would review movies they had me take of TJ and the puppies. They taught me to set up the camera on a tripod to take pictures of the four of us.
I remember the big concrete truck coming in to pour foundations. They had me take pictures of the pour, and said I was their documentary photographer.
TJ and I would play in the playhouse. We would both be mommies to our dolls and stuffies. (neither of us had much of an idea of what a daddy would do.)
Mom had TJ and I help her layout and assemble six 8 foot picnic tables.
A truckload of lumber was dropped by the barn foundation.
Two men in a pickup came with a large grill built on a trailer. They unhitched the trailer and built a fire in the grill, they gave mom and mother some instruction on tending the fire, then loaded some large chunks of meat onto the racks of the grill.
The next morning mom and mother were up early (before sunrise) building a fire in the fire pit.
Mrs. Henderson arrives soon. She set up a large urn of coffee on one of the new picnic tables. Then set up a griddle on the edge of the fire pit, and began frying bacon. People began arriving. They would introduce themselves to mom and mother then go over to Mrs. Henderson and put in their breakfast orders. She would make them heaping platters of bacon, eggs, sausage, hash browns and pancakes.
Mom was conferring with an older man over large papers on a table made from a sheet of plywood on sawhorses.
When most had finished eating, mom rang a cowbell to get everyone’s attention. “For those, I haven’t met, I am Frankie Wilder. Together with my life partner Jane Davis and our children Charly and TJ we’re homesteading this place. We're here for an old fashioned barn raising. I hope you all have a lot of fun as well as getting a lot of work done.”
Putting her hand on the older man’s shoulder, “This is Jim Berg, he will be acting as foreman. Follow his direction and work safely. Also, I think we owe Grace Henderson a hand of applause, both for the breakfast and for doing most of the organizing for this shindig.” All applauded Mrs. Henderson.
Jim organized the men into crews and got them working on the framework. I got my camera to document the barn raising. Some of the women tried to keep me away from the construction. It didn’t feel good being treated like a little kid, I was used to being treated as an important contributing member of the family. Mrs. Henderson came to my rescue, “Charly is actually quite a good photographer, and he knows enough to stay out of danger. But Katie, why don’t you accompany him, you can make sure you both stay safe, and maybe Charly can teach you a little photography. TJ you can help with getting drinks and food for the men.” It was good how Mrs. Henderson made us both feel important and contributing.
Katie was a little overprotective, but I did show her how to set up a tripod, and she began to show me a little more respect. We got a lot of good pictures of the barn raising and some of lunch and dinner and the food preparation. I found the shredding of the meat chucks with what looked like metal bear claws especially interesting. I found I liked the pork barbecue (there was both beef and pork).
There was a sing along around the fire pit. There was a consensus that the barn raising was an unqualified success.
The next day some of the crew returned to roof the barn, and that night both our camper and Herbie had a new roof over them.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
At this point there is an unwriten gap, between here and the start of "How I Became Crossgender."
I don't know when or if that gap will be filled. Currently my muse is directed toward Charli's adventures starting school and living as a transgender girl.
Charles James Davis Wilder (Charlie) age 13
Teresa Joy Wilder Davis (TJ) age 11
Francine Wilder (Frankie) mom to kids, Wife to Jane, Age 40
Jane Davis (Jane) mother to kids, Wife to Frankie, recently deceased
Dr. Julia West (Julie) Physiatrist, a College friend of Frankie
Frankie and Jane fall in love, get married, decide to raise a family together, they impregnate each other with donor sperm, Charlie born, TJ born.
House spray painted “Lezzies shouldn’t raise kids”. Frankie and Jane decide to homestead in a remote location and homeschool the kids. During house build 4-year-old Charly is put in charge of TJ and two puppies. They play house as two mommies.
Frankie and Jane have a recommitment ceremony. 9-year-old Charlie protests having to wear a suit and tie instead of pretty dress like TJ.
Jane is killed in an auto accident, while on a trip for her consulting business. Frankie sells the house to go back to teaching.
The family is staying with Frankie’s friend Dr. Julia West. Dr. West is testing Charlie and TJ for school placement, as they have only been homeschooled to this point.
As part of the placement testing, Charlie is put in a playgroup of 12-13 year old boys. The group rejects him.
As we begin Frankie is off at St. Katherine’s, the private girl's school she will be teaching at.
“Hi, Aunt Julie. Have you got more testing for me?”
“No. You are just about done. I just wanted to have a talk with you, before I consult with your mom about the results. Do you have any questions?”
“How did I do?”
“I’m gonna play a doctor trick and answer with a question. How do you think you did?”
“Most of the tests were to help you figure me out better. So they aren’t really graded. But I think I did OK. I don’t think they revealed me as a serial killer or anything like that.”
“Actually you did great on the tests. Academically, I think you could do well in college right now.”
“I sense a but.”
“You are very sharp. Few of my adult patients can read me that well. There are a couple areas of concern. First, the playgroup didn’t accept you very well.”
“They treated me like an idiot, just because I didn’t know about those stupid football players.”
“I agree you didn’t do anything wrong. But I fear similar or worse situations, if we mix you with a group of older boys, whom you are likely to be academically superior to.”
“ Are you suggesting I need to dumb down to fit in?”
“That is not the solution I had in mind?”
“What’s your solution?”
“I think we need to involve your mom before we discuss that.”
“OK so what now?”
“Well, the other area is that you had an unusual score on the Prince-Hopkins gender scale.”
“Does that mean I’m too girly?”
“I don’t think so. I suspect it is more the way your mothers raised you. Can I ask some more questions?”
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Do you ever wish you were a girl.”
“No. I’m happy being me. I don’t think being a boy or a girl has much to do with it.”
“Good answer. Do you ever wish to wear girls clothing?”
“I like jeans and tee shirts and sneakers, not much difference, girls are more colorful and more decorated. At the wedding, I did wish that I could wear a pretty dress and Mary-Janes instead of the suit and tie and heavy leather shoes.”
“I wish all my patients were as clear and articulate in their answers. What do you like to do when you play?”
“Play with the dogs and TJ. Teach them to obey and do tricks. Play house with TJ. Play with cars and trucks and Lego’s. Play soccer and basketball. Explore the woods. Play video games. Read. Build things. Listen to music. Write. Computer program.”
“When you played house with TJ what did you do?”
“Usually we would play mommies to our dolls and stuffies. Sometimes we would have tea parties.”
“How do you feel about your penis?”
“I don’t think about it much. I like being able to point and shoot.”
“You have been very helpful. I think that is enough for me to have the talk with your mom. I suspect you have some idea where this might be going. Don’t worry, we will not make any decisions without you, and the final decision will be yours.”
I ran to my room. I wanted to throw myself on the bed and cry. But I didn’t. I sat at the computer and tried to research transgender through my tears.
Three hours later, I was more confused than before I started. I had never given gender much thought. It never seemed like it made much difference. TJ and I were treated slightly differently, but I had always attributed that to the age difference, not the gender difference. I had never felt like a girl (but when I think about it, I never felt like a boy either). I was just happy being me and gender didn’t play much of a role in my self-image either way. I could play mommy and not feel unnatural about it. But I could imagine myself driving a big rig, or building houses, or programming computers. I didn’t consider any of these gender-specific (although I knew others did). But from my experience with the playgroup, I might well find it easier to fit in at school as a girl. It wouldn’t change my life options much. Either way, I could choose to like girls (or boys or both). I was pretty sure either way it would be girls. Here I was, seriously considering trying to live as a girl, without that suggestion even being made.
At this point, I heard mom’s car in the driveway. I rushed down to meet mom at the door, with a hug.
“That was a nice welcome, but what brought that on?”
“Aunt Julie had a talk with me about the test results. It reminded me how much you have done for us, and how much we love each other.”
“Does that mean I need to have a talk with Julie?”
“I think so.”
Mom ruffled my hair and kissed me of the forehead. Then went and knock on Dr. Julie’s office door.
I ran off to get the stethoscope from our blood pressure testing kit. I knew I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but I had to know what was going on.
Charlie returns with the stethoscope, sits against the wall by the office door, putting the earpieces in, and the pickup against the door panel.
The first thing I heard was Julie “You have done an extraordinary job educating your kids. I believe Charlie could do fine in college right now. He amazes me how mature and articulate he is.”
“But?”
“I see where he gets it from.”
“What do you mean?”
“Charlie read me, the way you just did.”
“I am very proud of both of them, but what’s the but?”
“You have inadvertently run an interesting experiment on your children.” I was thinking, just spit it out Julie and could visualize mom glowering the same message. “You have raised them in an isolated environment, treating them the same without regard to gender, and without male role models. I theorize that this is why they both had rather unusual scores on the Prince-Hopkins gender scale. Most boys score in the 80% to 95% range and most girls in the 5% to 25% range. Charly scored 50% and TJ 45%.”
“What are you saying? That I have confused them about gender?”
“No. Charly knows he is a boy, because as he says he can point and shoot. It’s that he doesn’t feel there is much difference between being a boy or a girl. When I asked if he ever wished he was a girl, he answered no, he was just happy being himself, and being a boy or a girl didn’t have much to do with it.”
“You think this is going to cause problems?”
“Yes. He was rejected by 12-13 yr old playgroup, ostensibly for lack of knowledge of pro football, but I’m afraid the problem is deeper. And I’m afraid the problem will only be worse with 15 and 16 year old boys.”
“Where are you going with this?”
“I am thinking we should give Charlie the option of attending school as a transgender girl. Then he could the go to St. Katherine’s where he would be more sheltered and you could watch over him better.”
“But I don’t think he is transgender. He said he never wanted to be a girl.”
“He never had any reason to. You let him be as girly or as boyish as he wanted without censure. I don’t think he is classic transgender. But he has many feminine mannerisms and speech patterns. He could easily be called gender fluid. That won’t get him into St Katherines, which I believe would be the best place for him, but transgender would. Besides, it would be a great opportunity for him to explore the feminine world.”
“Do you think you can be objective on this?”
“No. But the final decision has to be Charlie’s. I know I’m not objective, but I feel it’s the best solution.”
“But you said he doesn’t want to be a girl.”
“But he hadn’t really thought about it and he didn’t really want to be a boy either. He is sort of agender. It would be a chance to sample the other side.”
“ I think you are projecting your own feelings.”
“Probably, but I feel we would only be offering another option.”
“I’m not sure.”
“Charlie is exceptionally mature. I think the best thing we can do is trust him to make the right decision for himself.”
“Your probably right, but it still doesn’t feel right.”
“We wouldn’t do anything irreversible for years.”
“I still have reservations, but let’s go ahead. Depending on his decision, we won’t have much time.”
“One more thing. I think this would be a good time to tell them about me and their father.”
“That has always been your decision to make. I’ll be happy any time you want to tell them. If your ready, I think it’s time for a family meeting.”
“I’m ready. I want to do this!”
I scrambled away from the door and into the kitchen.
Mom yelled out “Charlie, TJ into the living room. Now!”
After the four of us got comfortably seated. Mom said, “Dr. West has some things to tell us.”
“First, when it’s just this group I prefer Julie or Aunt Julie to Dr. West. Second Charlie and TJ, I am your biological father.”
For someone who is normally incredibly obtuse, she really just spit it out this time.
After an uncomfortably long silence, TJ asked: “Can we call you dad?” Mom and I were suppressing giggles. A slow smile grew on Julie’s face. She got up and hugged TJ then said “I’d love that, honey. But doing it around others could cause problems, so it’s probably better not to.”
Returning to her seat, she continued “When I met your mom, I was James West, an undergraduate, struggling with gender and sexuality issues. I will never be able to repay her for the love and patience she gave me, nurturing Julie and coaxing her into the world.”
Mom interrupted “You have more than repaid me, by becoming the awesome person you are today and by your contribution to giving us Charlie and TJ.”
“When your mothers decided they wanted a family, I was already taking female hormones, but I was honored to donate some of the sperm, I had frozen for possible future use. I am proud to be your father, and the better I get to know you the prouder I get. You will be given the opportunity to ask all those questions this is creating.
But right now I would like to get onto the issue that precipitated telling you this. As you know, I have been doing extensive testing, to determine how best, to continue your education, now that your mom is returning to teaching. Your mom has done a superb job on your educations, You are both years beyond your age group peers both academically and in practical skills. You have been raised in a unique environment by your mothers. In most ways, it is a much better environment than the one you will be moving into. But you are going to have to adjust to the new environment, as changes to it will only happen slowly. You will have to learn to deal with ignorant, bigoted, and indifferent people, you have been sheltered from. They will assume you are wrong because you are different. They will make little to no effort to understand you. Often they will persecute you for being different. Your mothers moved to where they did to protect you from them. But now you will be exposed to them. Your mom and I will do our best to make this home, a safe place with unconditional love. That will be your greatest resource, don’t be afraid to use it. Come to us and talk out your problems.
I am recommending Charlie go to 11th grade and TJ go to 10 grade. You will be mixed with older, physically more mature students. I have little doubt you will both continue to excel academically. Where there may be problems is social. The world of adolescent boys is very competitive. Adolescent boys compete in almost everything, sports, games, prowess with girls, automotive knowledge, etcetera. They don’t listen well, their minds are too busy working on how to one-up their friends. In this environment, Charlie’s relative lack of physical development could make for problems of acceptance and inclusion. In addition, he has developed some rather feminine mannerisms and speech patterns. I suspect the playgroup unconsciously picked up on this. He is likely to be teased, bullied, ostracized, and picked upon. I expect TJ to have fewer problems with the girls. They listen better and tend to work cooperatively on such things as developing a sense of style in clothes and looks in hair and makeup. They can be more accepting of differences. TJ’s lack of physical development is more likely to get her treated like a little sister or late bloomer, rather than a weaker competitor.
Another area you will find much different is gender, Your mothers have made very little differentiation based on gender. The world you are entering will make assumptions and have expectations based on your gender appearance alone. I suspect you will both find this annoying, at best.
Your, Mom and I have agreed to offer Charlie an option that may ease some of his potential problems. But it will also create new problems. I want to emphasize that this decision is entirely Charlie’s and we expect he will take as much time to make it as he needs.
Charlie, if you so chose, we will do all we can, to help you attend school as a transgender girl.”
Mom came over and gave me a hug. “Charlie are you ok with all this?”
I hugged her back. “I am happy to know who my father is. And I’m glad she is such a nice person.”
“I was more worried about the idea of going to school as a girl.”
“At first I thought it was a crazy suggestion. But it is starting to seem reasonable. What do you think about it?”
“I think it is something, you have to decide for yourself. But it is not something I would have suggested from seeing you grow up.”
“ I think I need more time to consider it. It’s all a little confusing right now.”
And with that, the family meeting broke up.
A knock on the door. It sounded like TJ. “Come in.”
TJ came in, a big grin on her face, and threw herself at me and gave me a big hug.
“Why so happy?”
“I’m glad to know who our father is. And that it’s someone we already know and love. Somehow it feels more like the loving family we had before mother was killed.”
I hugged her back, “Your right. I had not thought about it like that. I was caught up in whether to go to school as a boy or a girl. But you helped me see, that I have a loving family behind me either way. And that is what is important.”
“What are you going to do about the boy/girl thing?”
“I don’t know. I think I need to talk to mom and aunt Julie about it more. What do you think?”
“I will love you whatever you decide. But I would love to have an older sister, and we could both go to mom’s school together. If you decide to be a boy, you would have to go to a different school, and we wouldn’t be able to help each other as much.”
“Yeah, if I decide on boy, I would miss being close to you.” Another consideration, I hadn’t thought of.
The doorbell rang. After mom answered it. “Kids, dinner is here. Come down for dinner.”
When we got down for dinner, we found mom had ordered pizza. We had grown up on almost 100% home cooking (the only exception be an occasional stop at McDonald's or a dinner when shopping as a family). So this was a surprise. Even more surprising was the pepperoni pizza next to the vegetarian one. That had been a forbidden food growing up.
Seeing the look of surprise on TJ's and my faces, “Today I realized, that we had been sheltering you from lots of normal experiences. This could be awkward as you try to fit in at school. Besides we should be celebrating the revelation of your father. Pepperoni isn’t the healthiest food, but you should try it, and see how you like it. Besides, it’s Julie’s favorite, and we want her to feel welcome to our family and to celebrate with us.”
Julia said, “I’ve always felt a little guilty keeping my role as your father secret. I was so proud of you, yet I was acting like I was ashamed of you. I am glad we all know now. That said, I think it would be better to keep it within the family. Outsiders may not understand. They might generate rumors of Satanic practices or other silliness. I am still very proud of you, and I will not deny you are my children. But I think that might be best if we keep that in the family.”
I said, “TJ and I, were discussing how it felt more like a family again than since mother got killed. We want you to stay an important part of the family. We love you, as aunt Julie, and now as our father.”
Julia went over to mom, knelt in front of her, “I just realized nothing would make me happier than marrying you and officially adopting Charlie and TJ. Will you marry me?”
Mom looked a mixture of happy and surprised. “ I have loved you for a long time, but till now I have never thought of it as the marrying kind of love. I didn’t know if you were attracted to men or women or both or neither. I am attracted to the idea of a family with you, but I think we both need more time before committing to marriage. The pizza is getting cold. Let’s eat.”
I reached for a slice of pepperoni, felt my eyes watering and thought, another pro for girl, possible maid of honor.
I saw mom go to hug TJ who had tears running down her face. “Are you OK honey?”
“I’m just so happy. We have a family that loves each other so much.”
Mom said, “It’s been quite a day. It will take us all a while to process it all. But do you have any questions?”
I looked at TJ hoping she would ask one of her perceptive questions but realized she was looking at me the same way. I surprised myself, by blurting out, “Tell us about you and dad.”
Seeing the pleading looks from TJ and I mom started. “In college, having decided I liked girls, I started to spend a lot of time at the at the university LGBT club. They had speakers and programs, but mostly it was one the few safe, comfortable places where I could relax and just be myself. I met James West there. From chatting with him, it was clear he was very smart, but also stiff and uptight. I guessed he was struggling with being gay and uncomfortable with women. I was surprised when he told me he was transgender.
I asked him “What is your girl name?”
My heart melted as I saw the smile grow on her face as she said “Julie.”
I asked, “When does Julie come out to play?”
He replied “She doesn’t. She is pretty much locked in my closet.”
I said, “We should do something to free her.”
“I would love that!”
The energy she exuded and the huge smile, made her a much more interesting person than James would ever be.
From there Julie and I became BFFs, helping each other with makeup and hair, sharing clothes, and shopping together. James changed to Julie after graduation, and she went on to medical school. I don’t think James would have made it through medical school. In any case, she is much happier as Julie.”
“Do you love her?” TJ asked.
“Yes. But if it is a marrying kind of love, is still an unanswered question.”
I don’t know if she did it to intentionally to change the subject, but she continued, “Charlie, she was very different from you. So don’t jump to the conclusion that what was right for her, will be right for you.”
“What do you think is right for me?”
“When Julie and I discussed this. We agreed it had to be your decision. I don’t want to influence your decision by projecting my wishes. Other than promising to love you no matter what you decide. And TJ I hope you let your brother/sister know you will love them either way.”
“Mom, she already has. The important thing is that we love each other unconditionally.”
“You just gave me reassurance that whatever decision you make it will be right for you.” `
As I spent the morning on more internet research and thinking, ideas began to solidify, and my picture became clearer.
At 1:56 the previous client left and I entered Julie’s office/consultation room.
“Hi, Charlie. You seem a little anxious. I want to reassure you, I love you and want to help any way I can. Can I get you a drink?”
She was right about being a little anxious. But soda was still a rare indulgence. “I’ll have a coke”
“Diet or regular.”
“Doesn’t matter to me, but mom would probably object less to diet.”
She went to a mini refrigerator, took out a can and a cold glass and brought them to me. As she was fixing herself a coffee, she asked, “Where would you like to start?”
“Maybe with your story of going from James to Julia.”
“That’s not something I share with many people, but I want to share it with you. I think the girl has always been inside me. When I started kindergarten it felt very wrong being grouped with the boys. At Halloween I wanted to be Cinderella, my father forbid it. It seemed that my father and I were forever fighting, him trying to push me into sports, and me dreaming of a magical transformation into a girl. I did find pretending to be a boy, made life easier in some ways, it reduced bullying and teasing, and it suppressed the ongoing battle with my father.
My mother tried to referee, telling my father to let me find my own way. But I felt she too, wanted me to be more manly. I was a good student and found I enjoyed running, which slightly appeased dads desire for an athletic son. Little did he know, that much of the appeal of running, was that while running I could be the girl in my fantasies. I hoped that when I went to college I could free Julie. But until I met your mom, I was frozen with fear and uncertainty. When I told her I was transgender, I expected rejection, but instead, it was like she jumped inside me and dragged out Julie. Without her, I would never have had the courage, or the confidence to transition to Julie in med school. And that was probably the best decision of my life. Is that what you wanted?”
“I don’t know what I wanted. But that was quite helpful. It is really quite different from my situation. Was it difficult going from boy to girl?”
“Yes and no. I really believe I have always been a girl inside. And with your mom’s help and encouragement the external transition to appearing as a girl was fun and easy. What was difficult was the mental transitions. Letting go of the idea I was really a boy. Expecting rejection.
Self-doubt about being strong enough. Fear of forever being an outcast. Fear of never finding love. Letting go of my conditioning as a boy. Letting go of my parents' expectations for me. If you decide to try being a girl, I think many of the things that were difficult for me will be easier for you. But I doubt you have the fire inside driving you towards womanhood that I had.”
“Why do you think it will be easier for me?”
“First and most importantly. You have a family that loves and wants you, no matter what you decide. Hopefully, that will remove the fear of rejection as a major consideration. Second, you don’t have years of conditioning with “boys don’t play with dolls”, “boys don’t wear dresses”, “boys don’t cry”, and all that crap. You haven’t been pressured to behave like a stereotypical male. Third, you are at an age where your body can be driven whichever direction you choose. Forth, you already have mannerisms and speech patterns that were difficult for me to attain. ”
“Sounds like you want me to go the girl route,”
“No, I want you to do what is right for you, what will help you find happiness. I want you to understand some things will not be as daunting as you think. What you are being offered would have been a dream come true, for me. And it is hard for me to not project that on you. I hope it does not make it harder or more confusing for you, but I want you to have all the relevant information I can give you.”
“I thank you for that. Can I ask how you feel about my mom?”
“You just did. Last night I realized I love her, I’ve loved her for a long time, and that she is the only one I have ever loved in a way that I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I also realized I wanted to be a real parent to you and TJ, not just a sperm donor.”
I sobbed out “Thank you.”
“Happy tears?”
“Definitely!”
“Me too.”
We ended the meeting with a hug.
During dessert, I called for another family meeting.
With the four of us, cleanup went quickly, and we were soon seated in the living room.
I started “First, I want to thank all three of you for making your love clear and unconditional.
When I was first confronted with the idea of going to school as a girl, it seemed downright crazy.
When I researched transgender, I felt that wasn’t me. But slowly the idea seemed less crazy. And the idea that I might be somewhere else on the non-binary spectrum seemed possible. The idea of attending school as a girl became more inviting. I have decided that I want to explore if I may be some version of gender fluid. I want the three of you to help me try living as a girl within the family. Depending on how that goes I can decide about school later.”
Mom said, “That is a really good idea. I’m sure we will all do all we can to help. Where do you want to start?”
“Well, I think I’d like to change Charli with i, no e, to make it more girly. We can pretend it’s short for Charlotte. Then I think Charli needs a wardrobe and probably a new hairdo.”
“Oh, I so need a trip to the beauty parlor and shopping with my new sister.” came from TJ.
“Not so fast. Your sister said at home.”
“Thanks mom, but that sounds like fun. But we need to do enough at home, that the beauty salon doesn’t realize they are transforming a boy into a girl.”
“Are you ready for that?” Mom asked.
“That’s what I want to find out,” I replied.
“Ok, I think we can put together an outfit for shopping and comb and trim your hair into something that looks more tomboyish than boyish.”
Julie, who had left the room, came back with four magazines. “These are hairstyles, you may want to decide what you like.”
Before we dispersed, TJ announced, “I would like to change my name too. I would like you all to call me Joy. I don’t think I want to go by TJ at school. And I like Joy better than Teresa.”
Julie said, “You are a joy, Joy.”
After Mom and I groaned, Joy said: “Thank you, dad.”
With that, the meeting broke up, and the family began working on my transition to a girl.
She insisted on painting my fingers and toes. She wanted a deep red, I wanted an unobtrusive pink, we compromised on a pretty pearl.
Even though I had never wanted to be a girl. The pearly nails made me feel a little girly. It felt OK (I wasn’t ready to admit it felt good).
It was fun going through hairstyles with her. We teased each other. Me picking Shirley Temple curls for her, saying they were the perfect little sister look. She picking long flowing locks for me, saying I’d make a great femme fatale.
I picked a shag cut that to me was feminine but not too far from androgynous.
Joy picked a bob with curled tendrils down both sides.
I was surprised to realize that I was beginning to see her as more mature and better able to advise me in my experimental journey into girlhood.
Wardrobe was more of a problem. Joys bras were too tight on me. But I somehow I felt I needed one. Mom came to the rescue with one of her sports bras. It was meant for a lot more than I had, but with all the elastic and chicken filets (silicone enhancers, also provided by mom) it worked OK. Joys tee shirts were a little tight but that was how most girls our age were wearing them. Joys panties fit fine (except I found the feel of them a little arousing). But her jeans were too small and mom’s were too big. I could probably use Charlie’s, but that didn’t seem feminine enough. Joy suggested I could wear a skirt. We tried some and found some that might work.
I asked mom what she thought. “If you want to be a girl, you will have to be comfortable in a skirt. But I don’t think tee shirts and skirts go together very well.”
I looked to Joy “I think mom is right, we can both get dressed up for shopping and salon.”
I was beginning to understand why it took women so long to get ready. Julie came in and said, “When you're done come see me I have something for you.”
Joy and I spent about 45 minutes selecting skirts and blouses for tomorrow. She was going to wear ballet flats that she felt went better with the dressy skirt and blouse we had chosen. I would have to go with my fairly androgynous boy's sneakers.
I went to visit Julie in her office. “That took long enough.”
I responded, “Girls have so many more choices, and it's all new to me.”
“Nice, isn’t it?”
“Yes, I was surprised at how nice it felt to feel pretty.”
Handing me a flesh colored piece of cloth, “It’s a gaff. Basically, a heavy-duty thong to keep your boy bits up and out of the way.”
“That might be a good idea. Putting on Joy's panties was a little arousing.”
“I remember it being a lot arousing. The thong may take a little getting used to. If you decide to go to school as a girl, we can get you some pantie style, or even a prosthetic vagina.”
“A what?”
“Prosthetic vagina. It’s silicone made to appear like a woman’s anatomy. You can get ones you wear like a gaff or ones that attach with surgical glue.”
“I didn’t know those even existed.”
“Most people don’t. That’s for later, if at all.”
As I finished pouring the milk, mom brought over three plates of eggs. Hers and Joy’s sunny side up, and mine over hard (I never liked runny egg yolk). Joy brought a platter of toast, then a selection of jams and jellies. Mom brought a platter of home fries and sat down.
Between bites, mom asked, “Are you girls excited about today.”
She got two excited and almost simultaneous yeses. Joy and I looked at each other and giggled.
“Glad to see you expect to enjoy it.” More giggles in reply followed.
“Charli, how do you want to handle trying things on?”
“Like a teenage girl. Try on everything in the store and model it for you and Joy.”
“What about things like being fitted for a bra.”
“ That might be embarrassing, like for any flat chested girl. Aunt Julie gave me something that should avoid embarrassment from the other end, and I’m wearing it.”
“Mom, what’s she talking about?”
“Charli, do you care to explain for your sister?”
“It’s called a gaff, and it’s meant to keep my boy parts out of the way.”
“Oh,” said Joy as her face reddened.
Mom said “I think this will be fun for all of us. But if anybody gets uncomfortable please let me know and we can abort the mission. Sadly Julie has clients this morning, and can’t join us. She will want you to model when we get home.”
After cleaning breakfast dishes, Mom said: “It’s time to do something about your hair, Bring a bath towel and a bar stool into the kitchen.”
When I got to the kitchen with the towel and stool, Mom had combs, brushes and scissors laid out on the kitchen table.
“What are you going to do, mom?”
“Just fixing your hair, so we don’t have any problem with anybody thinking you are a boy. You don’t have to like it. It’s only for a couple of hours until you get to the salon.”
This seemed ominous to me, but I decided to not start an argument when I had little idea what was happening. She sat me on the stool and wrapped the towel over my shoulders. And after the proverbial 100 strokes (it seemed like more, but was probably less). After a few nastie tangles, it actually felt kind of nice, I was enjoying her attention. She switched to a comb, and combed most of my hair back but some over my face. She moved behind me and started separating my hair in bundles, then braiding it. When she finished the right side and switched to the left, I knew I was getting pigtails, a style TJ had rejected years ago as too young for her.
This would certainly not have been my choice, but it was only for a few hours. When she finished the braiding, she took scissors and trimmed the hair on my face into eyebrow length bangs. After spraying the bangs with hairspray. She called “Joy, come see how pretty your sister is.”
Joy came running in her grin turned into a grimace suppressing a guffaw. Regaining control she said, “Sis, it makes you look so young.”
Mom had given me a hand mirror. From the front, it wasn’t too bad. But from the back or sides, it was much too juvenile.
Julie came in, in her skirt suit and heels. “Alas, I fear I must say goodbye to my pretty young girls, only to have them magically replaced by sophisticated young ladies.”
Joy giggled, but I was uncertain how to take Julies sense of humor. I felt that she was with Joy and I, on the age inappropriateness of my hairdo, but I was confused about what else might be there.
Julie whispered something in mom’s ear. I hoped she might be chastising mom for what she had done, but mom just whispered back what looked like OK.
“ Girls get ready and pack whatever you need in your purses. Charli, you will find a purse you can use on your bed.” Mom went upstairs, and Julie grabbed a cup of coffee and went into her office.
Joy ran over to me hugged me and asked: “ What do you really think of what mom did to your hair.”
“Well, it will keep people from thinking I’m a boy. And it’s only for a couple hours. But I’m not very fond of it.”
“Wow, you’re suddenly diplomatic with your transition. I thought mom was more with it than to do that to you. I’m not letting her near my hair after that.”
“Yeah it’s pretty terrible, but I expect bigger bumps on my road to girlhood.”
“I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”
“I know that and I really appreciate your help. You have grown a lot in my eyes.”
“I still feel like your little sister, but in other ways, I’m feeling like an older sister. I feel more protective and want to help in areas I may have a little more experience.”
“Love you. Let’s get ready.”
Joy giggled. I looked down and saw a glimpse of pantie and a lot of bare thigh. I pulled the skirt down but it still didn’t cover as much as I would have liked, I closed my thighs together.
“That’s better, but when you sit down you need to sweep your skirt under you with your hand. We should have practiced at home.”
“You shouldn’t be so hard on her, this is all new to her.” Joy contributed.
“I’m not being hard. I’m just pointing out what she has to learn quickly.”
“Thank you both, you both need to let me know things like that.”
“I think we should start by getting you some bras that fit.”
“Not what I’m most looking forward to, but you are probably right.”
Joy jumped in “Can I go first and get a new bra, so Charli will know what to expect.”
I gave her a smile of gratitude.
Mom said “Yes, but I recognize the self-serving part of that offer. Don’t expect to get everything your sister does today.”
When we got to the mall, Mom headed directly to Penny’s. Joy protested “can’t we go to Victoria’s Secret?”
“No. Their stuff is too old for both of you. And too expensive for what might be a short-lived experiment.”
We went to the lingerie department and were quickly approached by an older sales lady “How can I help you?”
“Both girls need new bras. You can start by measuring the younger one.”
“Let us go to the changing area, and I’ll measure you both.”
Back outside the changing booths, no one else was around, thankfully. The sales lady asked Joy, “Do you want to go into a booth, to be measured.”
Joy replied, “No, we can do it out here, so my sister can see what to do.” I could feel my face warm, and I’m sure it reddened noticeably.
“OK, please take off your blouse.” Joy did. “Can you slide your bra up a little.” Joy did. And the sales lady wrapped a cloth tape below the bra. She pinched the tape where the end met it, unwrapped it. “You can pull your bra down and put your blouse back on.”
“27 ¾, so a 28A should be right.”Next, blouse off” looking at me. I took the blouse off.
Seeing the oversized sports bra “What’s this?” looking at mom.
“She wouldn’t wear a bra, pretending to be a boy, then suddenly she won’t leave the house without one. So I lent her one of mine.” shrugged mom.
Was she intentionally trying to embarrass me? Feeling more warmth in my cheeks.
The sales lady gave mom a knowing smile, and me a “Bra up”. I lifted it. A cool touch and she was done. “You can get dressed.”
Speaking to mom “31 ⅜, I would look at 32 A's. The starter bras are over there.” she pointed “Would like my continued assistance or would you prefer privacy with your girls.”
“Thank you, I think we can handle it from here.” The sales lady quickly disappeared.
“Mom, were you trying to embarrass me with the pretending to be a boy?”
“No, but it was the truth. And I was embarrassed having one of my girls seen in such badly fitting clothes.”
We went and selected a bra for Joy and 3 for me. Mom had me try on all three with the chicken fillets. She took the store tags off one and had me wear it instead of the sports bra. She also had me try on some like tee shirts on they only had little ribbon shoulder straps and the material felt nicer than my tee shirts (I think she called them camisoles). Again I got 3 to Joy’s 1. She also got me 2 three packs of panties one bikini style, and one like the panties I had on. She didn’t make me try those on. We checked out of that department.
Next was jeans. She did the sizing but let me select styles. I picked one decorated with butterfly and flowers thinking, that might help sell the girl thing. Trying them on “Mom, I think these are too small.”
“Just put them on, and let us see.”
When I finally got them on, Mom and Joy both thought they fit fine. I was just thankful for the gaff. Mom also had me try some denim shorts that fit like the jeans. I didn’t like that the legs only went a couple inches below my crotch, but when I saw my legs in the mirror, I thought hot babe, and felt the gaff holding me.
We left that department with two pairs of jeans and the shorts.
Mom asked, “Shoes next?”
And I thought do my feet smell? I’d been wearing that pair of sneakers for 7 months and never given that a thought. Was the mere act of pretending to be a girl turning me into one? Why was I thinking different?
“Is that a yes?”
“Sure mom, that will be fine” I answered.
“To start you need a pair of dress flats.”
We went to a display, where there was a choice of about a dozen colors. Mom commented
“White or black would be most practical and versatile.”
Pointing to an ivory pair, I asked: “Would those be OK.”
“If that is what you want, they are fine.”
At this point, a cute high school looking boy approached us asking “Can I help you, ladies?”
Mom answered, “My daughter would like a pair of the ivory flats. You need to measure her, I’m not sure of her size.”
“Please come over to the fitting area and have a seat.”
I went, carefully sweeping my skirt under me as I sat, pressing my legs together.
He grabbed one of those metal foot sizing things, knelt at my feet and removed my right sneaker. I prayed he wouldn’t be grossed out by my feet. “Nice polish.” He had me stand on the measuring device, “Women’s size 7, I’ll go get you a pair to try on.”
When he was out of sight I grabbed my sneaker and sniffed it, thinking not as bad as I feared, but not very pleasant either. Mom smiled, and Joy giggled.
Joy asked, “Do you think he’s cute?”
Even though that very thought had crossed my mind, I answered: “I don’t think about boys that way.”
Mom jabbed “You must not really be a girl.”
The sales clerk returned with a box, took out one shoe and gently held my ankle putting the shoe on. His touch made me suddenly aware of the gaff. “Please stand.” When I put weight on the foot, he pressed the toe of the shoe, to find my toe. “Please lift your heel.” After looking to see how well the shoe stayed on, he said “Looks like a good fit. Sit down, and I’ll put the other one on, and you can try walking in them.” I sat, carefully sweeping my skirt under me and keeping my knees together. Walking in the flats, felt closer to barefoot than any shoes I had worn. They made me want to skip. Where is that kind of thinking coming from?
Mom asked, “How do they feel?”
“Light, I like how they feel.” was my answer.
“We will take them. Can she wear them out of the store?” Mom asked.
“Sure I’ll put her sneakers in the box. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“Yes, she also needs casual school shoes. We are just moving to the area. Perhaps you can advise what is popular with the girls in this area?” asked mom.
“Canvas shoes in pastel colors are trendy right now.” He reached for my hand to lead me over to the display. When our hands touched, there may have been a static discharge between us. I definitely became acutely aware of the gaff.
He took us over to a display, and I chose a powder blue (girls don’t have to choose pink).
Joy wanted a lavender pair.
After trying them on, we bought the three pair of shoes and left the store.
Joy looked at me with a huge smile, which caused me to smile back. She took my hand and we walked together. She started skipping and I joined her. As we skipped along, virtually every woman we passed and most of the men gave us warm smiles. I thought, how could anyone not enjoy being a pretty girl? I felt a closeness and unity with Joy, that was greater than I ever had with TJ. Feeling the pigtails bounce, reminded me of the less than an ideal hairdo. But all the warm smiles, made that seem trivial. I had the thought that the few scowling men, might be smiling if they had had the experience of feeling like a pretty girl.
When we got to the fountain in the middle of the maul, mom took some pictures of us with the fountain in the background, and a short video of us skipping along.
We sat a bench near the fountain. I remembered to sweep my skirt under me and keep my knees together.
Mom said, “You two seem to be enjoying yourselves.”
Joy gushed “This is so much fun. It’s so nice having my sister to shop with.”
I said “This is more fun and easier than I expected. I feel closer to Joy and to you than I did as Charlie. And it seems like I have gotten more smiles just since we left the shoe store than I normally get in a week.”
“You two certainly make a cute pair. While you have both been happy children, you seem to exude your happiness more today than I can ever remember. These are among the best pictures I have of you.” mom said showing us the pictures, she had just taken on the phone.
“It’s nearly noon, let’s stop at the drugstore for some girl supplies then get some lunch.”
In the drugstore, mom took us to the cosmetics area saying “The school discourages heavy makeup, until 9th grade they only permit nail polish and lipgloss. You will be able to use light eye makeup, foundation, and blush. I’m letting you both get your own because it’s best not to share. You can each pick two lipsticks, two nail polish, one mascara, one eyeliner, one foundation, a small palette of eye shadow, one blush, and one powder compact.”
I didn’t realize that there was that much to assemble, and it took a while and quite a bit of consultation to decide, but we finally collected the cosmetics.
“Charli, you probably should probably make it a practice to wear a light fragrance. Boys smell different from girls, and some of the girls may notice.” We sampled fragrances and picked one that had a slight orange smell with mild floral undertones. It was milder smelling than many of the other fragrances. It was called toilet water, which I didn’t think was a very attractive name.
Mom then swept around adding shampoo, conditioner, scented deodorant soap, and scented body powder. She then added feminine pads and tampons saying “We can discuss these at home. You may not need them, but not having them, might raise questions you don’t want to be raised.”
I didn’t realize girls needed so much stuff that boys didn’t.
Mom asked, “Is there anything else you girls think we need?”
I answered “You can get in the checkout line, and I’ll get it.
Mom just smiled, as I joined her in the checkout line, dropping the can of deodorant foot powder in her basket.
At lunch, I was reminded, that there would be some parts I wouldn't enjoy, as mom “suggested” we all have salads.
Mom said “I’m surprised how well this is going, We are all enjoying ourselves. Charli you seem very natural and comfortable as a girl.”
“I wasn’t expecting it to be so easy and so much fun. It does feel comfortable and natural. I am surprised how many smiles I am getting today.” I replied.
“That is because you are smiling more than you usually do. I kinda questioned this whole scenario but seeing how happy you appear, I am more confident you can make a good decision and that I will be happy either way.
Mom went to the receptionist and said “You should have 2 O’clock appointments for Charli (nodding toward me) and Joy (nodding toward her). This is the girl’s first time at a salon. I’m afraid they have outgrown my skill.”
The receptionist replied “Girls, relax and enjoy yourself. This should be very enjoyable for you.”
At this point, two young women came toward the reception desk. “Charli, this is Cynthia who will be your stylist today.” A blonde knockout stepped forward, and my gaff suddenly felt very restrictive. “Cynthia, this is Charli’s first salon visit, so take good care of her.”
“Joy, this is Denice your stylist today. Denice, this is also Joy’s first salon visit.”
“This is their mother, make sure she approves their choices.”
Cynthia took me back to her station. After I sat down she wrapped a shroud around my neck and began unbraiding my hair. “Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
“I’m 13, but I will be entering 11th grade because our mom did such a terrific job homeschooling us.”
“Do you know what kind of style you would like?”
“We looked through magazines last night, and I tentatively picked one called a shag. But I would like your recommendation.”
“Your so pretty, you can work almost any style. But, in your situation, I think you want something that makes you look older not younger. You don’t have a lot of length to work with, so that restricts our choices. I also think you probably want something low maintenance. I’ll start by shampooing and conditioning your hair.” With that, she released the back of the chair, and I found myself fully reclined with my head over a sink.
As she started to shampoo my hair, I said “Yes, I want something low maintenance but more mature. The pigtails were mom's doing, and I wasn’t very happy with them.”
As she massaged the shampoo into my scalp. “Yes, we want to go for more pretty and not so cute. I’m going to rinse out the shampoo now.” She quickly finished that. “Now we are going to shampoo again. Have you discussed hairstyles with your girlfriends?”
“When we were homeschooled it was just my sister and I. We didn’t have much contact with anyone outside the family, except for one neighbor lady, who kind of appointed herself, surrogate grandmother. My sister and I never talked about hair until last night, and even then, it was hard to separate teasing from true feelings. Like I suggested the Shirley Temple style for her, and she picked a long flowing femme fatale style for me.”
“Seems like you have a very good connection with your sister.”
“Yes, and it seems to be getting stronger as we prepare for our first day of school.”
“You mean you have never been in a classroom situation before?” asked Cynthia.
“No, we have only been homeschooled together since I was almost 5 and she was 3 ½.”
As she finished a second rinse “Wow, this is a big step for you. I’ll make sure you look good.”
She worked a towel over my head with her massaging fingers. “I’m going to get your mother and some pictures. Then together we can decide on a style.”
She came back with mom and a loose-leaf binder. “You said, you might like a shag.” opening the book and displaying a picture for mom and I. “That would be a good style for you. It would be low maintenance, only requiring brushing in the morning. If you go that route, I would suggest adding highlights.”
“What are highlights?” I asked.
She opened the book turned pages and set it in front of me. “The picture on the left is without highlights the one on the right with them. It is done by coloring sections lighter or darker. It gives the hair a more three-dimensional look.”
She changes the page to a wavy longer style. “I think you have enough length for something like this. I think it would make you look more mature. But it would be more work. You would have to use a curling iron on it regularly.”
I really liked the style and agreed it would make me look older. But I really didn’t want to have to mess around with curling irons and such.
Mom echoed my thoughts “I don’t think your ready using a curling iron every morning, you don’t even brush it now.”
While true, I found it a little embarrassing having my mom say that in front of Cynthia.
Cynthia showed us a few more styles, but we agreed on the shag with highlights.
“We will start with the highlights because they will be easier to do before we trim the hair.”
As Cynthia started combing out my and separating it into little bunches she wrapped in aluminum foil. “Now we are going to color the highlights, this will smell pretty bad, but such is the price of beauty.” She put on some plastic gloves. Mixed some chemicals together, and applied it to my hair with a sponge. The smell was something you would avoid if possible. But, I didn’t seem to have a choice.
When we finished she walked me over to a magazine rack “You may want to pick something to read while that drys.” I chose a copy of Sixteen though I would have preferred Popular Science. Then over to a different chair. “Now you get to bake.” as she lowered a helmet over my head. She gave me some foam earplugs. “You should put these in your ears.”
I was glad I had put in the earplugs, as the drier was loud and overly hot (in my opinion).
I settled in with the magazine and was into an article on how to achieve different looks with eye makeup. What was happening to me? A week ago I would have had absolutely no interest in this. Was I really turning into a girl, mentally? Was I becoming a different person? Was I losing Charlie? Deep breath. I am just exploring, and I am finding new and interesting things. I am opening new possibilities for myself.
My musings were interrupted by Cynthia turning off the drier. “We didn’t overbake you, did we?”
“I think my brain was overheating,” I said, thinking she doesn’t know how true that is.
Taking me back to the first chair, “I’m going to remove the foils then style your hair.”
She took somewhat longer than mom did cutting my hair. But I found her chatter interesting.
She said she thought I would enjoy high school, making new friends, and with them discovering my own look and style. Another area that was new, but she made it seem fun and exciting.
She dropped the subject of boys when I told her I wasn’t into boys (I’m sure she added a mental yet, but I was closer to adding an ever). Whenever I thought of her, the gaff made its’ presence known, and I wondered how many people had crushes for their hair stylists.
When she removed the cape and handed me a hand mirror, I didn’t know what to expect. Looking into the mirror, I saw a new and definitely feminine me looked back. “I love it!” (the love seemed like overacting to the Charlie me, but to the Charli me it was definitely more than like, and a good way to thank Cynthia, call it flirting, Charlie.)
I got up and twirled in front of a full-length mirror. That felt free and uninhibited and right for the new me.
Assessing myself, though I had chosen the hairdo as androgynous, the highlights tilted to the definitely feminine direction. I decided I was happy with that. I still looked like a 13 year-old girl.
I would have preferred looking like 15, but that would be hard with my body’s lack of shape. It’s not that I wanted to grow up fast, but that I wanted to fit in with the girls I would be schooled with.
Mom came in followed by a new looking Joy.
Mom said, “I love it, on you too.”
“Me too.” from Joy.
I twirled for them while saying “ I love yours too, Joy. It makes you look older, Almost like we could be fraternal twins.”
“That would be so cool! Having you as my sister keeps getting better.” gushed Joy.
We went to “Young and Special”, a store with clothing and accessories targeting teenaged young women.
I looked at endless display models, but thinking back to how I looked in the mirror at the salon, I didn’t feel I could pull off most of them, they emphasized breast or waist and hips I didn’t have. Then I found the perfect dress. I had never felt that way about a piece of clothing before. It was a simple dress with a short skirt and a fabric that drapes well and felt divine (I later learned it was called skater style and was made of microfiber).
It was available in many colors. I chose a maroon, that made me feel mature and sophisticated.
When I put it on and modeled for mom and Joy, I reassured myself that it was indeed perfect for this time and place in my life.
Joy gushed, “You look beautiful!” Mom nodded and I think her eyes glistened.
Joy quickly decided she wanted the same dress except in a royal blue.
The Charlie part of me didn’t want to vocalize how pretty she looked in it, “You look great, sis.”
Mom nodded and said “This was a lot easier than I was expecting. You have both made great selections, that I am very happy with. Together you are ready to wow the world”
When we got to the car, mom opened the trunk and began rummaging through the mornings shopping.
“What are you doing, Mom?” I asked.
“I want to hit Julie, with the new versions of both of you, when we walk in. I can’t wait to see her reaction.” answered mom.
She handed us each one of our new lipsticks. Then each of us a new camisole and me the black bra and a pink pantie. “Girl’s like to match underwear, but you don't have a red bra or a black pantie, and you should wear a darker bra under that dress.”
We headed back to “Young and Special” to use the changing room. We should have left the dresses, but I don’t think, mom’s idea to hit Julie with the whole package, crystalized until the walk back to our car.
Mom helped me, especially with the lipstick. I really did feel young and special, and loved it!
On the ride home, I asked “Mom, could you cut down on the teasing, like the, not a real girl comment?”
Mom replied, “That, comes with the job description for a parent. But seriously, you are faced with a serious decision, one that I fear is too big for a 13-year-old. I think it would serve you well, to be able to pull back, look at your situation, and be able to laugh at yourself. I rationalize, that I am trying to help you do that. Besides, teasing can be fun.”
It took a while to sink in, but mom was right. There was a lot of humor in what I had gone through today, and being able to see that and laugh at myself would help me keep from being buried by the seriousness of the decision I faced. The “You must not be a real girl.” was looking more humorous and feeling less stinging. I needed to reassure us “I love you, mom.”
We held each other’s hand which I found reassuring. I knew we looked good, but I was feeling a little anxious. I really wanted Julie’s approval. While I didn’t expect rejection, I began to wonder how much approval was enough. I felt sorry for those who expected, and all too often received a rejection.
Mom knocked on the office door.
Julie answered, “Come in.”
“No. You come out and see the new versions of Charlie and Joy,” said Mom
The speed she appeared in the doorway was surprising, for the normally slow and deliberate Julie. Seeing us her eyes got big, and her jaw dropped. The room remained silent. After what seemed a long time, but was probably less than a minute, Julie said “You both are beautiful. I thought I was joking this morning, but you have both transformed into sophisticated young ladies.”
Turning to mom she asked “May I have the pleasure of escorting you three lovely young ladies to dinner tonight?”
“We would be delighted to.” mom answered for all of us.
Julie ducked into her office. Ten minutes later, she announced, “We have reservations for my favorite seafood restaurant on Fisherman’s Wharf.”
Julie looked at me, her happy smile changed to a worried look. I wondered what was wrong? Had I done something? She squatted, gave me a hug, “Charli, you look so ravishing, I forgot till just now, you might not be ready for this. We can cancel if it’s a problem for you.”
With relief, I replied “No way! I forgot too. And now I’m really want to go to Fisherman’s Wharf.”
After mom changed (it was still strange to see her in heels) she helped Joy and me with makeup.
“This is probably not the time to experiment with eyeliner and your complexions don’t need any help, but you may want to try a little eye shadow and mascara.”
I put on some rose eye shadow, under mom’s supervision. Joy chose a light blue to go with her dress.
Mom demonstrated putting on mascara “Be careful, it’s easy to poke yourself in the eye.” It wasn’t easy, but both Joy and I managed without serious injury.”
Mom asked “Charli, do you mind if I shape your brows a little.”
“What do you mean?” This was seaming a little ominous.
“I’ll just pluck a few strays”
I didn’t like the idea of being plucked, but I said: “Go ahead.”
She plucked hairs. It hurt, but not as bad as I feared. When she finished she took a pencil from her purse and used it on my brows. “Look in the mirror, and see how you like that.”
When I looked, it was hard to recognize myself. The arch in the brows definitely made me look more feminine. The brows, the lipstick, the shadow, and the mascara all worked together to give me an older appearance (maybe 15?). “I like it, thanks, mom.”
The Wharf was the mall on steroids. Joy and I held hands as we strolled, the smiles we received were warmer and more numerous than at the mall. Mom and Julie’s smiles were bordering of full-fledged grins.
On the drive to the restaurant, I retold the story of mom’s “You must not be a real girl”.
Mom defended herself against Julie’s frown with “I told her she had to learn to see the humor in her situation and be able to laugh at herself.”
Julie said, “We all need to remain thankful, that we are blessed so much love in this family.
We need to give each other a little leeway, when one of us says something that stings, knowing the intention was not to hurt. Frankie, you need to remember that young ladies have delicate sensitivities. Charlie, your mother is right, you need to see the humor in your situation, and be able to laugh at yourself. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. But without it, I doubt I could have gotten to the wonderful place, I am now.”
The fine restaurant was a wonderful new experience. But I was floating on such a high cloud, over the public reception of Charli, that I have trouble relating the details.
_____________________________________________________________________________
The next part will be the final part, I hope you enjoy the process Charli(e) uses to decide. There will be a revelation at the end that many may find surprising.
I got up showered and looked at the new me, in the mirror. It seemed like an out of body experience. That girl in the mirror couldn't be me. Yet, I had spent a wonderful day as her. Despite seeing my naked body, complete with dangling genitals, I had, the strange thought, that I needed lipstick. Was something happening to my mind? I seemed to suddenly be thinking differently.
I tried on the new pastel blue bikini panties over the flesh colored gaff. The panties were comfortable, and I liked the view in the mirror better. I wasn't sure if it was because I liked looking at girls in panties or because I liked looking like a girl or both. It felt a little strange having so little covered down there. But overall I felt good about myself (pretty unusual for a teenaged girl).
I got dressed in one of the new pairs of jeans, a girl band tee from Charlie's wardrobe and my new powder blue shoes. I noted that the tee evoked thoughts of girl power solidarity, rather than the old eye candy thoughts.
Brushing my hair quickly brought it close to where Cynthia (thoughts of hot babe intruded) had left it. I added a little of my new pink lip gloss.
I went down to breakfast, where Joy and mom were already eating.
"Good morning, Sis!" exclaimed Joy excitedly.
"Morning Charli, did you sleep well?" asked mom.
"I slept great, fell off quickly and slept without interruption until waking refreshed a little while ago," I replied.
"You can drop some waffles in the toaster and pour yourself some milk and juice." said mom.
I thought she was making the transition from full-time mom, to shortcut taking career woman quickly. The family was going to face a lot of major change quickly.
"You look pretty in your new clothes," said Joy.
"Thank you," I replied, feeling a little warmth in my cheeks, not being used to being called pretty.
We chatted about how much fun we all had yesterday. Mom told us how proud she was of us, and with the new hairdo's and our mature behavior, we seemed to have added two years growth in a single day. I added, I too had seen that growth in Joy and that she seemed more an equal companion, than the little sister needing protection that she had seemed days earlier. I found Joys beaming face heartwarming.
As we cleaned up, Julie came in saying, "Spending the evening with you three lovely ladies was enchanting."
Mom replied, "Thank you, for the lovely enchanting evening and the opportunity to show off my lovely young ladies."
They exchanged knowing smiles, that had me wondering what might have gone on while I slept.
Julie fixed herself a coffee and disappeared into her office.
" I would like a little alone time to collect my thoughts from yesterday," I stated.
Joy frowned. But mom smiled and said "That would be good. Joy, leave your sister alone."
'Yes, mom," replied Joy, but the way she stomped off left me wondering how long I would have before she intruded.
I went to my room, closed the door, got out my laptop, and began typing my thoughts:
1. Comfort. I had been surprisingly comfortable as a girl. I thought I would be anxious about being identified as a boy in a skirt, but as the morning wore on, I found myself worrying more about what people thought of the pigtails. As a girl, I received lots of smiles, that felt like you are a nice girl, a pretty girl, a well-behaved girl. As a boy, a what kind of trouble are you going to get in now scowl was more likely. After Julie’s comments on feminine mannerisms and speech patterns, I was beginning to doubt my ability to present as a boy, without appearing gay. Surprisingly this was clearly pro-girl.
2. School. No contest. St. Katherine’s was clearly superior in almost all ways, to the public school I would go to as a boy. Another strong pro-girl.
3. Safety. I was in real fear of getting the shit beat out of me, as a boy. Girl seemed much safer.
4. Restrooms. Girls were generally (not always) cleaner and better smelling, and usually a better social experience. But boys were quicker and easier. Point and shoot still preferred. Slightly pro boy.
5. Friends. I found myself looking forward to friendships with other girls. As a boy, friendships with other boys seemed more problematic. Pro girl.
6. Sister. TJ and I had been extremely close. But I think Joy and Charli were even closer. Pro Girl.
7. Mom. I think mom was being stricter and more intrusive with Charli than Charlie. This might just be normal mother-teen daughter dynamics and lead to closer bonding later. But I liked the relative freedom and invisibility Charlie had. Slightly pro boy.
8. Julie/Dad. Julie had always been kind and caring, but there had always been a wall. I think most of the wall had come down with the fatherhood revelation. But she was showing even more vulnerability trying to help me. I think sharing the boy to girl experience will make us even closer. Pro girl.
9. Genital Comfort. Wearing the gaff had gotten to the point where I could forget I was wearing it until some hot girl wondered by (or even the girl in the mirror, which was a little disturbing.) But letting them dangle in boxers, was definitely more comfortable. Pro boy.
10. Clothes. More variety and selection and more enjoyable shopping with girls. More durable, less fussy, less time needed to select, sometimes more comfortable with boys. Pro girls.
11. Hair. Easier, less time consuming for boys. Pro boy.
12. Male privilege. Men paid more for the same work. Positions of power and prestige reserved for or biased toward men. Women’s ideas and opinions often ignored or diminished. Women stuck with more routine drudge work. Pro boy.
13. Emotions. Women were a roller coaster of highs and lows. Men were repressed, which I thought was unhealthy. Perhaps I can get the best of both, Pro girl, Con hormones.
14. Makeup. Can provide different looks, can be fun. Time and money consuming. Generally a girl thing. Slightly pro boy.
15. Religion. Some call choosing girl an abomination and condemn that choice to hell. I see this as more an argument against those religions than for boy. Slightly pro boy.
16. Future. I had assumed I would become a husband and father. I now realized I had little knowledge what either of those really meant. Still, it was a dream that I was not ready to let go of.
Could being a mother replace that dream? I don't know. Pro boy.
I decided that these were not equally important. And for some the decisions were close. So I would assign an importance weight to each item and a strength multiplier for how close the decision was.
This continues from where “How I Became Crossgender” leaves off (actually this occurs between parts 5 and 6. My muse is not totally chronological). I recommend readers read that for character familiarization. But I offer the following Synopsis for new readers.
Synopsis:
Frankie and Jane fall in love, get married impregnate each other with donor sperm.
Frankie births Charlie. 21 months later Jane births TJ (Teresa Joy).
They experience vandalism directed against lesbians raising children.
In response, they move to a remote location and homeschool the children.
Jane is killed while away on her consulting business.
The family moves in with family friend Dr. Julia West, who reveals she is their biological father.
Dr. West suggests, Charlie might prosper better as a transgender girl than as a boy.
Julie proposes marriage to Frankie.
Charlie decides on a trial run, as Charli. TJ decides to change to Joy.
We join Frankie and Julie in bed after their first family outing as Frankie, Julie, Charli, and Joy.
Though Julie has proposed marriage, this is the first time the two have had sex together.
CAUTION: Adult language and sex talk
Frankie and Julie in Bed
Frankie is spooning Julie, cupping Julie’s breasts while pressing her own into Julies back.
“Hmmmm, that’s the best orgasm I’ve ever had!” moaned Julie.
“I don’t see you as having lots of experience,” replied Frankie.
“By some standards, I haven’t, but I’ve sampled men and women and some that were a mix. And you are the first since I started hormones to give me an orgasm.”
“Have you ever told them what you wanted sexually?” asked Frankie.
“No. I’m not sure I know what I want, except more of you. You were wonderful, the way you took the aggressor role but remained gentle and caring made me feel both desired and loved,” answered Julie, the moan in her voice making it clear she was still on a lovers high.
“What you just said, is probably the most romantic thing I have ever heard from you, and that includes the proposal. You have the makings of a great lover. You are caring and gentle, and eager to please. But to put it bluntly, your technique sucks. You remind me of the high school boys groping down there without a clue. You will have to learn to satisfy me better if you expect me to marry you.” said Frankie.
“I am your eager student!” replied Julie, in a breathy voice, a failed attempt at sultry.
“I want a lover, not a student. You need to show you want all of me, not just the sex. But I think I see more sessions like this for you to practice in the future.” stated Frankie.
Jullie rolled into Frankie, hugged her squeezing their breasts together, and kissed her with mutually probing tongues.
When they came up for air, it was Frankie that said “That is more like it lover!”
“I think I may have figured out my sexuality,” said Julie.
“What is it?” asked Frankie.
“Do you know what demisexuality is?” asked Julie.
“I’ve heard the term. I kind of think of it as asexuality with a libido.” answered Frankie.
“That’s better than most people. I’d define it as not being able to form a sexual attraction until a strong emotional connection with trust is formed.” said Julia.
“Does that mean you like women or men or both or neither?” asked Frankie.
“That means I like you. You are the only one I’ve let close enough to form that trust with. The only one I want to have sex with. The only one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I realize now, that all my other liaisons were just explorations trying to find myself. Just before I proposed, I had the sudden realization that you were the only one I had ever truly loved.” said Julie.
“You are getting more romantic, lover. Until this evening I never saw your romantic side. We were girlfriends, we had fun together, we enjoyed each other's company, but I never felt any sexual attraction. The proposal seemed like a random event, out of nowhere. It was not something I would expect from the Julie, I knew. I found it puzzling.” replied Frankie.
“Does that mean, things are changing?” asked Julie,
“Yes, they are changing, but only to the extent, that I am seeing possibilities where I saw none before.”
Julie hugged Frankie, saying, “I intend to remain persistent.”
Frankie returned the hug, “I think I’ll like that!”
After some quiet but mutually enjoyable cuddling, Frankie said: “I think, I’d like to talk about Charli.”
“I thought she did amazingly well,” said Julie.
“Yes, she did. But it scares me that I didn’t see that in her. I didn’t even recognize the feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns until you pointed them out. I am so afraid I have messed up their lives, by raising them in a female only environment.” Frankie replied.
“Ease up on yourself, you acted out of love. You have given them a safe and loving home and, what appears to me, to be an idyllic childhood,” replied Julie.
“I thought the transgender thing, was a fantasy of yours. But seeing how easily and naturally Charli has latched on to it, and how happy she is with it, makes me wonder what else, I might be missing, in my children,” said Frankie.
“I do fear I am too close to the situation to be objective. I have held myself back from trying to help, out of fear of unduly influencing the decision. I was amazed at how comfortable and natural Charli was and how happy she appeared. But, believe me, new girlhood is a powerful drug, and elation is the normal reaction, I hope Charli doesn’t have to experience the guilt that follows for most of us.” stated Julie.
“Do you think, Charli will second guess herself?” asked Frankie.
“That would be pretty normal. But without the drummed in gender biases, and with our loving support, either way, I hope she will be able to be make her/his decision and move on happily.”
“You think she/he might still choose boy?” asked Frankie.
“I like to keep that possibility open. But seeing her tonight, I’m pretty sure that she will pick girl.
I believe that is the better decision. I remember how horrible high school was for me, and I believe Charlie would be more obviously different than I was. Charli has a better chance to blend in, and even thrive.” said Julie.
“I’m beginning to see it that way. I am really enjoying you as a co-parent. It was really lonely after Jane was killed. I’ve spent a lot of lonely nights second-guessing myself as a parent. You help me get back to my preferred mode of parenting, standing back watching them grow, providing guidance when needed, but mostly enjoying seeing them become their own person.” said Frankie.
“You have done a wonderful job. Charli and Joy are the greatest kids I have ever known. I only hope I can do half as well as you have done.” said Julie, as she maneuvered for another kiss and hug.
After more hugging, kissing, caressing, and another orgasm for Julie, They fell into a blissful sleep, in the spooning position.
At dinner, I announced, “I think I have come to a decision. I would like to call another family meeting to review my thinking, and see if any of you have things I’ve overlooked.”
Mom replied, “That was quicker than I expected, but I think yesterday was a revelation for all of us.”
We all hurried through dinner and cleanup.
I started the meeting handing out my notes and spreadsheets and let the other 3 read them.
Joy was first to react, coming to me, with a lot of nervous energy and a big hug “I’m so happy my big sister is going to stay around and go to school with me!”
Mom added, “I was pretty dubious about this transgender thing. But after seeing you yesterday, I think this is a good decision.”
Julie chimed in, “Having been through this, and having guided many clients through this, I feel I need to warn you, that you are in a state of elation from your introduction to new girlhood. You cannot and will not stay as high as you’ve been for the last two days. You should give this decision a little more time before finalizing it. But I too, think this is a good decision for you.”
I felt good I was getting unanimous approval. I continued, “Do any of you have anything to add or discuss”
Mom, “Ahh, maybe we should discuss intrusive.”
I knew what she was referring to. Maybe it was too strong a word, but it was how it felt. “Mom, it’s just that it felt like you were a lot more protective of Charli than you were with Charlie. As boy Charlie, I knew you would be there if I needed you, but I felt free to make my own decisions even if they turned out to be mistakes. But as girl Charli, you seemed to be hovering, trying to stop me from even looking the wrong direction. I liked the relative freedom and invisibility I had as boy Charlie better.”
Mom said, “You probably have a good point. I liked the way I handled things with boy Charlie better too. I was just worried that we were giving you a decision that was too big for a 13-year-old, and without Jane to talk me down, I’m afraid that worry translated, to what you saw as hovering. Last night Julie gave me a sounding board like Jane used to. I hope, for both of us, that I will return to your old mom.”
I went to mom gave her a hug (often hugs are better than words), at least in this case the hug seemed right, and better than any words I could come up with.
The quiet smiles, all around, said everyone was happy with the resolution of “intrusive.”
Julie was next, “On the husband and father item, I think we need to keep that open until you finish high school. Then you will have to revisit this decision.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I think your current decision is to attend St. Katherine’s for the next two years. When you graduate, you will have the choice to attend college as a young man or as a young woman. I don’t think we should do anything to preclude either choice.” answered Julie.
“I think we can all agree on that.” inserted mom. Nods from Joy and I made it unanimous.
Julie continued, “We have a lot to do, to get you enrolled at St Katherine’s. First, we need to get you diagnosed as transgender. Legally I could do it, but ethically, I’m too close to your family even just as an honorary aunt, to do it. Tomorrow I will set you up with a new counselor. I think your mother should discuss this with the headmistress at St. Katherine’s. And I think we should have Jean and Jennifer with Jessie and Jasmine over for dinner.”
Jean and Jennifer were partners in a law firm that specializes in LGBT issues. They were also honorary aunts and partners in life. They had spent much time consulting with Frankie and Jane, before following their path to parenthood. Jessie(5) and Jasmine(3) were their little girls.
“I thought you said, I should wait to finalize the decision?” I asked.
“I did. It’s just that there is a lot to do, to get you enrolled at St. Katherine’s. And we need to get those things rolling. Maybe we should enroll you in self-defense classes in case you decide to go to Northside high as a boy.”
“Julie, that was uncalled for!” scolded mom.
“Sorry.” Julie apologized.
Joy jumped into the silence, “We have lots more shopping to do! And mom, can we both get our ears pierced.”
“If you both want to, it’s fine with me.”
At this point, the meeting devolved into Joy and mom planning a shopping trip, with my contribution being mostly nods. I wondered where Joy had gotten the shopping bug. I wondered if my brain structure was truly male and if I would ever understand females.
At 10:00 Julie had a glass and a can of diet coke ready for me.
As I sat down, she said, “You have an 11:00 appointment with Sue Barnes on Wednesday. I have told her you are genderfluid, but we need her to certify you as transgender so you can attend St. Katherine’s. She seems sympathetic to our needs but needs to meet with you.
She is a cisgender female but has lots of LGBTQ client who generally like her. I don’t want you to lie to her. I’ve never caught you lying, but suspect you would not be very good at it. But you could tailor your answers to facilitate getting into a good safe school. For example, if she asks how you feel about your penis like I did, you could answer you would be afraid it could be a problem as a transgender girl, rather than you liked being able to point and shoot, as you did with me.”
“What did you tell your counselor about your penis and what did you really feel?” I asked.
“I’m only answering because I’m your parent. That is way too intrusive for a client. I hope you don’t try something like that with Sue. I told her, my counselor not Sue, that I didn’t like the constant reminder that I wasn’t the woman I wanted to be. That was the truth, I may have presented that more vehemently than the strength of my feelings dictated, to move things in the direction, I wanted them to go.” Answered Julie.
“Don’t lie about always feeling like a girl. Just say, until recently it didn’t seem to make much difference. That you grew up happy to be yourself and boy or girl didn’t matter. That you never really felt like a boy or a girl, just a happy kid. You can say that you feel better accepted and better liked when presenting as a girl. You can blame me for pointing out that you have feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns, that could cause problems in male social groups. “ Continued Julie.
“I think I get what you’re suggesting. I think I can handle it.” I responded.
“I’m sure you can handle it. I wish I understood as well as you do, at your age. I suggest you dress, the way you did for Fisherman’s Wharf. She will think of you as older and better able to carry this off.” said Jullie.
“You’re thinking like a woman!” I teased.
I think I detected a slight blush, but Julie continued on, “You also have a 2:00 appointment with Dr. Bob Bumgardner on Friday. He is an endocrinologist, but this can serve as your school physical also.
You might want to discuss testosterone blockers with him if you want to avoid growing a beard or having your voice change while attending St. Katherine’s.”
“That seems like a big step.” I quavered.
“It is! You really should talk with him, but my understanding is that anytime you stop, normal development resumes.”
“Wow this all is a lot more involved than I realized,” I said.
Julie responded, “Welcome to the adult world. You are better prepared than most. I also recommend you start attending my first and third Thursday evening transgender support group meetings they are held here in the living room. I think your sister and mother have your afternoon planned. We can discuss my history and how it relates to you during family time.”
With that my appointment with Julie was over. I hoped shopping would be less intense.
Mom asked, “How did the meeting with Julie go?”
“Your hovering is like a single knat to her swarm of bees,” I answered.
“She was too intense for you?” questioned mom.
“I would consider that an understatement,” I replied.
“I know she was having difficulty holding herself back, trying to not influence your decision. You have apparently opened the floodgates. What all did she do?” continued mom.
“She set up an appointment with another therapist, then coached me on what to say and what to wear. She also made an appointment with an endocrinologist. Then she strongly recommended I attend her twice monthly, transgender support group meetings. Then she offered more private discussion during “family time”. Whatever that is since she schedules clients from 9 AM to 10 PM, plus teaching classes at the University.” I replied.
“I hadn’t realized how little time Julie left herself away from her practice. I’ll try to get her to ease off on you, as well as on herself.” said mom.
At this point, Joy who had been squirming, burst in, “Mom, can we both get our ears pierced?”
“If that’s what you both want.” mom responded.
I hadn’t given this much thought, but I couldn’t resist Joy’s puppy dog eyes, “That would probably be a good idea.”
“Charli, don’t let Joy stampede you into, anything your not ready for.” mom added protectively.
“It’s OK, mom. I just hadn’t given it as much priority as Joy.” I said.
Trying to finalize that, Joy bubbled “Can we get cell phones?”
“Probably not today. I need to educate myself and confer with Julie.”
Joy went first and tried hard to not show it hurt (she didn’t succeed).
As I waited my turn, the inner boy in me was raising objections, but the inner girl was much stronger wanting to move forward. I was so deep in my thoughts that the pop of the piercing gun startled me. The prick of the stud in my ear was less than I expected. The second ear seemed to hurt more, probably due to having more of my attention.
Leaving the store Charli felt pretty and more girly. But Charlie felt the dirt piling on his coffin.
The rest of the shopping was much the same, with my mind only half there. We got a number of blouses for school and more underwear.
Mom entered put an arm around me, sat us on my bed, and asked: “What’s wrong, honey?”
“I don’t know. I feel like I should be happier, but I keep worrying about losing the boy me. I thought making the decision would be the hard part, but now I find myself worrying that it is the wrong decision.”
She hugged me harder and said, “I love you, and will continue to love you, regardless of how this goes. For now, you have convinced me you have made the right decision. Till today you have seemed happier as a girl, and I think the school will be much better for you at Saint Katherine’s. I think it would be best that you concentrate on enjoying the next two years as a girl. Then you can revisit the decision when it’s time to go to college. Don’t worry about what you should feel. Just let yourself feel, and be free to express your feelings. That is one major advantage of being a girl.”
I hugged her back, saying, “Thank you, mom! I know you’re right and I feel better. But how do I get the boy Charlie, to stop haunting me?”
“Maybe you can talk to Julie about that, but I suspect James still haunts her,” she answered.
With a final hug, she left.
Joy came in seconds later, asking, “What’s wrong, sis.”
I thought about trying to keep it from her, but decided that wouldn’t work. So I answered, “Just a little worried, about what I am doing to your brother.”
“You’re just letting him experience the world from the better side,” she answered.
“How can you know that?” I asked.
“You have the chance to find out for yourself. Just relax and enjoy the trip,” she answered.
I didn’t have a quick reply, so I just gave her a hug.
She returned the hug, saying, “You hug better as a girl.”
They were right. I should just enjoy the road I had chosen, and stop second guessing myself.
Nevertheless, I got Julie alone that evening and asked, “Does James still haunt you?”
After a thoughtful pause, she answered, “I don’t think I would call it haunting. But James is still a large part of me. Deciding what part that is, has been and continues to be a long and often painful process. I think labeling part of me Julie and a separate part James only adds to the problems. There is only one of me and one of you. Masking or denying parts of yourself is bad for your mental health. I find it easier letting the James parts of Julie show and grow than I did let the Julie parts of James show. I am happier as Julie. You have to work through this with boy Charlie and girl Charli. You need to learn how to be the best you, which should include both boy and girl parts, not just a boy or girl choice. When I started to transition, I thought I was changing from boy to girl. But I’ve come to view it as changing from trying to give the world what I thought it wanted, to letting myself be me. You are a wonderful person, and the world will be happy with your true self, whatever that may be.”
The advice seemed to all be saying, let yourself be you, and all will be well. “How do I know what my true self is?” I asked.
“I am afraid it’s trial and error learning. Go out and try different behaviors, and see what feels right for you,” answered Julie.
“Like this afternoon getting my ears pierced. It seemed like boy Charlie was screaming, I’m not ready for this. And girl Charlie was saying shut up, I’m in charge, and I want it.” came out.
“And you feel bad about the way you shut down the boy Charlie's voice?” questioned Julie.
“Yes, but it still seems like the right thing to have done,” I answered.
“I think it was the right choice. I think boy Charlie was fighting loss of control more than the ear piercing. By the way, they enhance your beauty nicely. I think they would enrich boy Charlie’s appearance also.” said Julie.
“Thank you. Did you have this kind of internal battle, when you transitioned?” I asked.
“I think everyone has these internal battles all the time. The trouble is that when transitioning, it’s all too easy to see them as the world against you. I would like to see you get back to seeing being a transgender girl, as an exciting new adventure. And not worrying about it being a betrayal of your boy nature.” said Julie.
“That’s easier said than done,” I replied.
“Very true. But the attitude you approach this with can be either your best tool, for dealing with it, or your biggest obstacle. It’s your choice.” said Dr. West.
Grace greet’s “Frankie, welcome back. When I started as headmistress, you were one of my best teachers. You not only got them to learn, but you also got them to like it. A wonderful combination.
You let them know you cared and that they could trust you. I am overjoyed to have you back on the faculty.”
“Thank you. You were the best boss I’ve ever had,” replied Frankie.
“That was because you were a nearly perfect employee, needing little direction and virtually no correction,” said Grace.
“You may not think that after I ask your help with a family problem,” said Frankie.
“What’s that?” asked Grace.
“The psychologist testing the children for school placement, has suggested my oldest might be better off, attending school as a transgender girl,” said Frankie.
“Surely, the trained discerning teacher, you are, would have picked up on this long ago.” replied Grace.
“I think we should refer to Charli, with i no e, with feminine pronouns. She and her sister were brought up in an isolated gender-neutral environment. They were allowed to play with dolls or cars and trucks without censure. Charli didn’t think of herself as a boy or a girl, just as a happy kid. Gender didn’t make much difference, as she was growing up. We didn’t treat them differently because one was male and the other female. Charli has spent a short time exploring the female role. And to my surprise, she is much more convincing as a girl than as a boy, and I might add much happier. Charli with our family has decided that she wants to pursue her education as a transgender girl. No, I didn’t notice early on. I didn’t even notice that she had picked up feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns, until the psychologist pointed them out. But, I now see how difficult they could make life, as a boy in public high school. I’ve lost lots of sleep, and beat myself up for my shortcomings as a mother. But we need to move forward from where we are, not bemoan how we got here.” stated Frankie.
Grace had to reach up, to pat Frankie on the back. “We are all human. We all take wrong turns in life. I wasn’t accusing you, of being a bad mother. I want to do all I can to help. We do have a policy of accepting transgender students. But, from my point of view, it’s been something of a disaster so far. We have one transgender student. She is a residential student who will be returning to 10th grade this year. There was some bullying and harassment, but I feel we have most of that under control. But she has been identified and become something of a pariah. Most students are afraid to even be seen sitting with her at lunch.”
“Are you saying the same would happen to Charli?” asked Frankie.
“I’m afraid it might. Charli would be a commuting student, and it might be easier to keep it secret, but many on the faculty know your first child was a son. I would like to meet this young lady.” replied Grace.
“We should be able to arrange that, though the psychologist has her scheduled pretty heavy with second opinions, medical and legal consultation. But as an introduction, I have the psychologist’s files for both sisters. I need to return the originals, but you can copy what you may need.” stated Frankie.
Grace spent about 20 minutes going through the files, then had her administrative assistant make copies. “Very impressive! You want to place Charli in 11th grade, and Teresa in 10 grade?” she asked.
“Of course, we would like your opinion, but that was the psychologist’s recommendation. We have called the younger girl TJ, but she wants to change to Joy for school.” answered Frankie.
“Academically, I am fine with that placement. The real questions are social adjustment, I’ll reserve that judgement until I meet with the girls. I’d like about 45 minutes with Charli, then 30 with Joy, and then 30 with both together, then 15 with all three of you, and finally 15 with just you.”
“I’ll have to check Charli’s schedule. I’ll get back to you. That’s one thing you always do well. You are very clear with your expectations.” said Frankie.
“I want to reiterate that I am very happy to have you back on the faculty. I think I am going to like having your daughters here too.” said Grace.
Frankie left the office with a “Thank you.”
_________________________________________________________________________________________
There are only a few days left to add kudos for the contest. If you liked this be sure to add kudos for 'How I Became Crossgender"
At least she was punctual, as I was called, into her office right at 11.
“Hi, you must be Charli. I am Sue Barnes, you can call me Sue. You look very pretty today.” She started.
At least she was trying to keep it friendly and casual. This might not be so bad. “Dr. West suggested I dress up to meet you,” I replied.
“This isn’t how you usually dress?” She asked.
“Jeans and tee-shirts would be more normal,” I answered.
“So you normally present so that people might have trouble deciding if you are a boy or a girl?” She questioned.
“I prefer jeans and tee-shirts for comfort. I think, most people take me for a girl since I got my new haircut.” I answered.
“Do you prefer they see you as a girl?” was the next question.
“Since they seem to think they have to choose, girl seems to work better for me.” was my response.
“Why is that?” She asked.
“People are nicer to me, and smile at me more when they think I’m a girl,” I answered.
“So you like being a girl better than being a boy?” Sue questioned.
“I don’t have much experience either way, but so far it seems that way.” was my reply.
“How come you don’t have much experience?” She asked.
“Until recently, I was raised and homeschooled by my mothers in Oregon. They treated me and my sister the same, so I didn’t see gender as making much difference. I was just a happy kid growing up and learning. I knew I was male, but that didn’t seem to make much difference.” I answered.
“So what changed?” Sue asked.
“My mother, we called one mom and the other mother, got killed. So my mom has to go back to work, and can’t homeschool us anymore.” I replied.
“How did you decide to start presenting as a girl?” Sue asked.
“Actually Dr. West, who was testing us for school placement, suggested it. I was rejected by a playgroup of boys. I thought it was because I didn’t know about football players. But Dr. West thought it might be because my mannerisms and vocal patterns were rather feminine. At first, I thought that presenting as a girl was a crazy idea, but I decided to give it a try. I was surprised how easy it was for me and how much better people treated me.” I explained.
“So you want to be a girl?” asked Sue.
“If I try to be a boy, I’m likely to be ostracized, bullied, beaten up, and have a very difficult time making friends. If I try to be a girl the outlook for all those things is much better. Which would you choose?” I reasoned.
“Most people, don’t have to choose. They feel the choice has been made for them, and they accept it. I fell into that group. But I see where you are coming from, and see the logic of your choice. Do you feel ready to make a lifelong commitment to this choice?” She asked.
“I have discussed this with, mom, Dr. West, and my sister. We agree to commit to this for my 2 years of high school, then revisit the decision when I go to college.” I answered.
“Wait! How old are you?” she asked.
“I’m 13 but Dr. West is recommending I be placed in 11th grade. My moms did a good job of homeschooling us.” I replied.
“You are very mature and you express yourself very well. Also very pretty. I have trouble seeing you as a boy. You have a lot of adjusting to do. Actually, adjusting to a girl’s role may be the easy part. I hope I can help you along the way.” She stated.
I felt a little heat in my cheeks, as I was not used to being called pretty. But I also felt a large smile. Sue was going to be on our side. “Thank you. This was easier than I expected.”
“Was it different than this with Dr. West?” she asked.
“Yes. Dr. West was a college friend of my mom. She was Aunt Julie to us before she was Dr. West.” I answered.
“Do you prefer transgender or gender fluid?” she asked.
“I think I prefer transgender. Gender fluid is probably more accurate, but transgender is better understood and accepted. Besides gender fluid won’t get me into St. Katherines, but transgender will. Also, I think it would be better if I don’t confuse people by changing back and forth.”
“It’s been very interesting, getting to know you. I find you very impressive and see you doing very well at whatever you choose. Can you make another appointment for next week? And if you don’t mind, could you come in jeans and tee-shirt.”
Sue walked me back to the reception room. “Liz, make an appointment for Charli for next week.”
Turning to my mom, “Mrs.Wilder, I am very impressed with your daughter. You can be very proud of her.”
“Thank you. I am very proud of her. Can I have a quick synopsis.”
“It is early, I don’t want to jump to conclusions based on only this brief interview. But at this point, I tend to agree that the best course of action is for Charli to attend St. Katherines as a transgender girl.”
We made an appointment for next Wednesday at 4:00, so mom could chauffeur me. Though I wouldn’t have started school. She would be prepping for classes
Mom and I stopped at Subway on the way home. My boy self was feeling pretty submerged, so I appeased him with a 6” steak sub. I recounted the meeting to mom. Though I entered somewhat wary and defensive, I found Sue friendly and easy to talk to. I left feeling she really wanted to help. Mom agreed the meeting had gone well and reiterated that she was very proud of me.
“Mom, Joy, I want some alone time. I am taking a walk down to the park.” I shouted as I exited the door.
The neighborhood was old and expensive, most of the homeowners were old and established with no or grown children. There was a sprinkling of young professionals, but their children were mostly toddlers or younger as most had waited till their biological clocks were running down to start their families. They might be good if I wanted to try babysitting, but not much material for friends.
But today when I got to the park there was a boy about my age shooting baskets. I approached him, “Hi, I’m Charli and I’m new to the neighborhood.”
“Hi, I’m Tom. There aren’t many kids our age in this neighborhood.”
“Yeah, you are the first one I’ve met.”
“I wish you were a boy,” he said.
“Sometimes I wish I was a boy too. You could pretend I’m a boy. And I could get a better idea of what it’s like.” I said. As I wondered if this might be an opportunity to ease back into a boy role.
“You’re too pretty and delicate, for that,” said Tom.
“We will see about that! I challenge you to a game of one-on-one.” I came back.
“OK, it will be better than just shooting alone,” he replied, unenthusiastically.
The game was close, I was faster, and a better outside shot. But he was a better rebounder and could back me into the basket for easy layups. But when he saw he was in danger of losing, he got more physical and more aggressive. In the end, he won 15-13. We were both soaking wet. It was the best workout I had had in a long time.
“You’re very good, for a girl. Maybe that pretend your a boy thing could work. I’ll buy you a coke and we can talk some more.” Tom said.
“OK, but I’ll buy since I lost,” I replied.
“You're really into this pretend to be a boy thing?” Tom queried.
“We were homeschooled with little outside contact, so I’m having a little trouble finding where I fit socially,” I admitted.
“Well, I’d like to hold your hand. But if you insist on the boy thing, we probably shouldn’t,” said Tom.
Part of me wanted to hold hands, but another part said: “Let’s go with the boy thing for now.”
“Where do you live?” I asked.
“209 East Woodridge, it's one block south of the park. What about you?” he asked.
“818 North Oak, two blocks east of the park,” I answered.
“Maybe we will go to the same school. I will be starting 9th grade at Northside High,’’ said Tom.
“I hope to start 11th grade at St. Katherines. I have not been admitted yet, but I think I get some kind of special consideration because my mom will be teaching there.” I told Tom.
“I didn’t think you were that old.” blurted Tom.
“I’m only 13, but my mothers did such a good job homeschooling us that we are getting advanced placement,” I stated.
“You must be a genius! I’m 14 and you are two years ahead of me.” gushed Tom.
“My sister is not yet 12 and they're putting her in 10th grade. So, I think it’s more the teaching than us. We just kept learning and didn't have to wait for the slowest kids to catch up.”
He took us into Tony’s a small Italian restaurant. “This is the nearest place we can sit and have a drink.” when the waitress came to seat us, he asked, “ garden area please.”
She took us to a chained off area with tables under an awning. I think she was relieved that the two sweatty teenagers weren’t smelling up the restaurant. Tom told her “Two cokes and an order of breadsticks with marinara sauce.”
“You seem to know your way around here pretty well?” I questioned Tom.
“My parents own their own software company. He’s CEO and she’s CFO. They often work long hours and I’m left on my own. This is my favorite place for pizza.” Said Tom.
“My sister and I have one app on the commercial market,” I told him.
“You must really be a genius!” exclaimed. As the waitress returned with our cokes. “May I borrow a pen?” he asked her. He took a napkin and her pen and wrote Tom Gilstrap and a phone number.
I took the pen and a napkin and wrote Charli Wilder no cell YET! House phone 777 678 1331 (landline) (I was tempted to dot the i with a heart, but decided that was too over the top). We exchanged napkins.
“What is your app?” He asked.
“It’s called ‘Training your Puppies’. It was mostly an exercise to teach us a little JAVA programing. I did most of the coding, and my sister did most of the picture editing of the digital movies we had of our golden retriever puppies.” I told him.
“You have golden retrievers here?” Tom asked enthusiastically.
“Unfortunately no. Mom said they wouldn’t make good city dogs and we had to leave them with our grandparents on their ranch.”
“Boy or girl, I want you as a friend,” said Tom.
“And I want you as a friend too. I don’t think I’m ready for boy-girl dating type friendship yet. And I really want to get a feel for a boy-boy non-romantic friendship. We seem to be a pretty good match at basketball. You gave me the best workout I’ve had in a long time, and I’m sure we can find other things to do together.” I said.
The waitress returned with our breadsticks and refilled our cokes. I’m sure she thought she was witnessing a budding romance from the knowing smile she gave me. Part of me didn’t want any of that, but another part was curious. I felt a hand on the leg of my jeans. I quickly brushed it off, saying “boyfriends”. But it didn’t feel all that bad. On the other hand, I was seeing the idea of being “boyfriends” as very attractive. The major obstacle being Tom seeing me as a girl.
Tom said, “You’re easy to talk to. I don’t have much experience with girls.”
“I don’t have much experience, other than with my sister. And you can think of me as a boy if you want.” I stated.
“I’m liking you as a friend. And thinking having a pretty girl like you as a friend is pretty nice and good for my image.” Said Tom.
“So, you see me as eye candy?” I said with a little irritation in my voice.
“Genius, basketball playing, eye candy!” he replied.
“Ok.” I relented, deciding I liked being seen as pretty, and he did see more than a pretty package.
We finished eating. He insisted on paying. I decided not to fight over it, even though I realized I was playing the girl role. We agreed to stay in contact and get together again.
As I walked home, I felt I had made a new friend. But, what kind of friend. I knew part of the attraction for him, was that he saw me as a pretty girl. But I wanted to be his boyfriend, not his girlfriend.
“That’s where I’m headed,” I replied.
I showered, liking the floral body wash. I shampooed and conditioned my hair. I was getting to like parts of being a girl.
At dinner, mom asked, “How did your trip to the park go?”
“Very well. I met a 14-year-old boy. We played some one on one. Then went and had a coke. I think we both want to be friends. I really need a cell phone!” I replied.
“Yeah, we can’t be normal, without a cell phone.” seconded Joy.
“That didn’t go where I expected it to.” said mom. “But Julie we need to consider getting cell phones for all of us.”
“I’ve never felt the need,” replied Julie. “But, you are probably right. I’ll let you and the girls handle it.”
“Ok, I’ll look into a family plan with phones for each of us. Do you want to choose your own phone?” replied mom.
“No, just get me what you get yourself, maybe in a different color, so we can tell them apart,” replied Julie.
“Charli, can you tell us more about your new friend?” asked mom,
I had hoped, I had escaped the questioning over my new friend, but no such luck. “His name is Tom Gilstrap, he will be in 9th grade at Northside high, he lives a block south of the park, he’s an only child. His parents own a software company.” I replied.
“Do you like him?” asked mom.
“Yes, we played a good game of one-on-one, and had a nice talk over cokes,” I replied.
“How Hunky is he?” asked Joy.
I expected this from Joy, but not at the dinner table.
Mom came to the rescue with “Joy, some things are not suitable dinner conversation. I’m sure you and your sister can discuss that later. Also, she and I could use some private discussion.”
Oh great, more to look forward to (not).
“Mom, how’s school prep going,” I asked.
“Fine. I’m really looking forward to interacting with the students again. There’s only so much prep you can do. I never really stopped teaching, but with you two it was so easy, just helping you pursue your curiosity. Now I will have to deal with some unmotivated students.”
“Frankie, you really are an exceptional teacher. Few could get the results you have gotten with these two young adults,” said Julie.
“Yeah, I told Tom it was mostly due to mom and mother, but I’m still afraid he thinks I am some kind of super genius,” I said.
“Do you think you intimidate him?” asked mom.
“Maybe a little, but he’s still interested. He called me ‘genius, basketball playing, eye candy.’”
“That makes you just about perfect, for a 14-year-old boy!” interjected Julie.
“Sounds like he really likes you!” said Joy.
“He liked playing basketball with me, he finds me easy to talk to, he thinks I’m pretty and smart. He is intrigued by our golden retrievers, our grandparent's ranch, and that we have a marketable computer program. But he hasn’t gotten to know me yet.”
“You guys covered a lot of ground, for a first meeting. I am proud of how objective your outlook on this friendship is. I would like that mother-daughter talk, right after dinner.” said mom.
“I want a sister-sister talk after you talk with mom,” said Joy.
“ I will be available if you want to talk with me,” added Julie.
I was feeling the center of attention and not very comfortable about it. I finished my plate, and after chewing and swallowing, said “OK mom.” Then started busing my dishes to the kitchen.
“You are doing very well with your new friend. I want you to know I will be here for you if you need to talk about things.” mom started.
“Thank you, I know you will always be there for me. But some things are hard to talk about especially with parents.” I replied.
“I understand, it’s not so long since I was on the other end of mother-daughter.” said mom.
“I’m not even sure daughter is right,” I replied.
“Are you second-guessing your decision?” asked mom.
“Not really. For the short term it is pretty clear that attending school as a transgender girl is clearly better educationally, socially, and safety wise. But with Tom, I was wanting him to be friends with boy Charlie, but he wanted to be friends with girl Charli.” I said.
Mom put her arm around me and gave me a firm hug. It made me feel loved.
“I told him, I would like him to pretend I was a boy, and for him treat me as a boyfriend. But he kept wanting to hold hands, and pay for the cokes even though I told him I should pay because I lost.” I continued.
“He was just behaving the way he thought he should. Even I am beginning to have trouble thinking of you, as a boy.” said mom.
“I don’t blame him. It’s just that I realized that I haven’t given being a boy a fair chance. I need to learn to interact as a boy, and this seems like an opportunity that is slipping away.” I said.
“Don’t give up on it. You need outside friends of both sexes.” said mom. “Perhaps we could look into enrolling you in youth basketball or something.”
I squeezed mom’s hand. “We can look into things. But as long as I look and act like a girl, it will be hard to get them to treat me like a boy. If they learn that I am transgender they will treat me like a freak, not a boy.”
“Some will treat you like a human being. Remember your family loves you regardless of how this plays out.”
We closed with a mutual hug.
____________________________________________________________________
I don't feel like I should have to beg for comments, but the long hiatus was at least partially due to discouragement from lack of reader feedback. I am not sure where I will take this story (or if I will let it die of apathy) but I would appreciate reader suggestions.
This is the first installment under the Saga title, But there have been ten prior installments:
2 Women, 2 Children, 2 dogs
How I Became Crossgender (six-part series)
Frankie and Julie in Bed
Charlie, the Way to School
Meetings
Recap
13-year-old Charlie Wilder Has been homeschooled with his younger sister to protect the children from the cruelties of the world, by his lesbian mothers.
When one mother is killed, he is forced into the real world. He discovers he is better at presenting as a girl than as a boy. He decides he will get a better education, be much safer and have a better social life if he attends the private girl's school as a transgender girl. His family agrees to this plan.
The initial meeting with the councilor who needs to certify her as transgender, has gone well.
Charli makes her first friend beside her sister. But the friend wants her as a girlfriend, while Charlie wants to be boyfriends.
In this installment, Charli has a grilling by her sister about the new boyfriend, a meeting with the Endocrinologist, and her first support group meeting.
As mom left my room Joy entered.
“Tell me all about him?” she asked.
“You pretty much got it all at dinner.” I answered.
“But, mom wouldn’t let you describe how hunky he was. And you didn’t say how you feel about him.” she continued.
“He is a 14-year-old boy. He has a way to go to become a man. I guess you could call him cute, but hunky would be a stretch. I enjoyed our game of one-on-one and our conversation afterward. I would like to be his boyfriend, but I think he wants me to be his girlfriend. I don’t think I’m ready for that.” I answered.
“I thought you wanted to be a girl?” Queried Joy.
“I am choosing to present as a girl, to get a better and safer education, for a better social outlook, and because people like you seem to relate to me better when I present as a girl. Having a boyfriend didn’t even enter the decision process. And I don’t think that equates to wanting to be a girl.” I answered.
Joy wrapped her arm around me and gave me a firm hug. “I am enjoying having you as my sister! But what is important is what makes you happy.”
I hugged her back, saying “Thank you. I am happy and am enjoying being your sister, even more than I enjoyed being your brother. But playing with Tom, made me realize that I really wanted to try being and having a boyfriend. And that, as a girl, Charli I wasn’t ready for a boyfriend.”
Still hugging me. “I want to help any way I can. But I suspect some parts of growing up just take time and muddling through.”
“How did you get so wise, at such a young age?” I asked.
“I guess just growing up with two smart mothers, and a very smart sister/brother.” she answered.
“I’m glad to have you on my side. I think we’re pretty formidable as a team.” I said.
“Do you want to be a boy?” she asked, in a concerned almost worried voice.
“I don’t know. I like a lot of things about being a girl. And I feel like a failure being a boy. But I don’t think I was ever given a fair chance to be a boy.” I replied.
“I thought you were the best brother anyone could ask for. I think you’re an even better sister.” as she tightened her hug.
I felt my eyes tearing. “As sisters, I feel closer to you and more equal. As your brother, I felt that it was my duty to protect and lead you, which was often a chore. But now you seem more protective of me, and I feel I have lots to learn from you.”
“I want to help any way I can. I love you as my brother, and even more as my sister. But you need to decide what makes you happiest.” she said, continuing to hug me.
“As you said, time and muddling.” I replied as we closed with the extended hug.
As she left, I thought the hugging and the tears were much more effective in improving my mood than a stiff upper lip stand-off that Charlie might have engaged in.
“Hi, you can call me Dr. McCready or Bob, whatever is more comfortable for you.” stated the handsome 30ish man in the white lab coat.
“Let’s start with Dr. McCready. I’m not used to addressing adults by their first names.” I replied.
“Dr. West has briefed me on your situation, but could you summarise it in your own words?” he asked.
“I was raised and homeschooled by my lesbian mothers with my younger sister. One of my mothers was killed in an accident. In testing us for school placement, Dr. West suggested, I might consider presenting as a transgender girl for school. After a brief trial, I, my mom, Dr. West, and my sister decided to proceed with me attending St.Katherine’s.” I summarised.
“You seem very natural as a girl. I would never have questioned your gender. Do you have any problems presenting as a girl?” he asked.
“I seem to have more problems presenting as male. Dr. West says I have feminine vocal patterns and mannerisms.” I replied.
“I tend to agree with that observation. Do you see your future as a man or as a woman?” was the next question.
“I’m not sure. The plan is to reassess in two years.” I answered.
“Well, we can proceed with your school physical. I’ll let the nurses measure and weigh you and play vampire. Then we can talk some more.” as he exited.
A nurse came measured and weighed me, took BP and oxygen levels, and lots of blood. Thankfully she was good and did it with one stick of the needle.
“Don’t worry, Honey, lots of girls are late bloomers and go on to become real beauties. You’re very pretty, and won’t have any trouble attracting boys.”
I was amused by her assumptions, but only replied: “Thank you.”
Dr. McCready returned with, “I assume you would rather not start growing facial and body hair and have your voice change while attending St. Katherine’s.”
“Those could cause problems.” I replied.
“I can prescribe testosterone blockers. They basically just delay your puberty. In theory, when you stop the blockers you can pick up where you left off. We don’t have good long term data on delaying puberty, but short term use of the drugs is pretty safe.”
“So your saying, if I take the blockers, I will stay the way I am now. Neither developing into a man nor a woman?” I asked.
“Yes, but there can be side effects. Frequent urination is most common. Headaches especially as the medication is introduced. Slight increases in blood pressure.”
“Sounds better than being the bearded lady of St. Katherines.” I replied.
“We will need your parent's approval.” He said.
“Only one surviving parent, which shouldn’t be a problem.”
We called mom in. The Dr. explained. We signed the forms and left with a prescription.
When Julie was free I knocked on her door and she said: “Come in.”
“What can you tell me about the meeting tonight?” I asked.
“It’s scheduled to start at 7. They usually run until 9:30 to 10:00. It’s casual dress, but many of the older members use it as a chance to dress up. I will wear a skirt suit and heels to remain professional. I am expecting 8 to 10 people. I suggest you enter the living room about 7:15, so you don’t have to explain your situation repeatedly. I suggest you prepare a little introduction with your name, age, why you're presenting as a girl, how long you have been, and what you expect to get from the group. Oh, and only use first names, for security.” Julie answered.
“Who will the other people be?” I asked.
“Most are my patients. A few are not. Most are transitioning male to female. A few are cross-dressing and not ready to admit to themselves that it may be deeper than that. They range from you, the youngest, to the late 60’s. We will have a round of introductions, as I asked you to prepare.” answered Julie.
“You seem to have summarized pretty well. See you at dinner, then the meeting.” I said as I exited.
We discussed the meeting at dinner too. Mostly mom asking Julie about it. Mom decided she would contribute an urn of coffee, two pitchers of lemonade, and a double batch of homemade chocolate chip cookies. And that she and Joy would go shopping and not intrude on the meeting.
Joy helped me decide what to wear. We decided on a kelly green pleated skirt with a white blouse (with bra and chicken filets) and my ivory flats. I noted again how much larger girls color vocabulary was. I removed the studs for the first time and wore some dangle snowflake earrings. I added some bubble gum pink lipstick and mascara.
Joy got dressed and made up for shopping, and went to help mom sample the cookies.
As I thought about my introduction, I realized that I was getting much more comfortable with my situation and explaining it.
As I waited, I felt a strange mixture of dread and anticipation. How weird would these people be? How would I fit in? Finally, I entered the living room at 7:12.
Julie asked everyone to find seats, so we could start. I found a seat between the next youngest who was dressed androgynously in sweats and the oldest who appeared to be doing a June Cleaver imitation.
Julie said, “Since I’m sure you are all curious, let us start with our newest member, Charli,”
As she nodded to me.
“I am Charli, and I’m almost 14. Until recently it was a Charlie with an IE, but recently I’ve changed to Charli with just an I.” I gave a little curtsey. I was raised and homeschooled with my younger sister, by my lesbian moms. When Dr. West tested me for school placement, he suggested that it might be safer and better educationally and socially, If I attended school as a transgender girl. He felt the feminine mannerisms and vocal patterns I had learned in the all-female environment would cause problems if I tried to present as a boy. My first reaction was that was a crazy idea. But when I decided to try it, I was surprised that I liked a lot of things about being a girl, and how easy it was to present and be accepted as a girl.”
“You have no idea, how envious that makes many of us.” stated a rather masculine voice from across the room.
“Jean, yes, I think many of us see Charli’s situation as rather ideal. But she is still struggling with her decision, and this group is here to try and help each other. Let’s continue with the introductions.” said Julie.
The June Cleaver imitator was next. “I’m Jane, I’m 69. I’ve felt I was female since before I started school, But I pretended to be male until my wife died 6 years ago. I retired and decided to live the rest of my life as Jane.”
“I’m Elaine, I’m 46. You might consider me a crossdresser as I live and work as a male and don’t plan to transition. But my time as Elaine gives me feelings of tranquility and peace with the world that I don’t get in my male personna.” She had apparently done some voice work, as it was not as masculine as I would have expected from the estimated 6’ 2” (before the 3 1⁄2” heels) and her makeup was well done and not overdone but didn’t quite cover her beard shadow. Her skirt and blouse were tasteful and age-appropriate.
“I’m Terri, I’m 38 and have been living full time as a female for 4 ½ years. I am still trying to save for the operation, but I have found a partner who is happy with me as I am, and I’m starting to think a wedding is higher priority than the operation.” She was probably the most passable in the room at about 5’ 6” and wearing a pant-suit that revealed a very femanine shape and flats. Her voice did not betray her male origin.
“I’m Julie, I’m 41. I’ve felt female as long as I can remember, but I lived the first 21 years of my life very unhappy trying to present as male. I started my real life trial when I started medical school. I did my surgical transition shortly after graduation. I hope to use my experience to help others in their gender journeys.”
“I’m Jean, I’m 51. I’ve been crossdressing 35 years, but the compulsion seems to be getting stronger.” The rather frilly dress she wore, looked almost comical on the linebacker body with the very masculine voice.
“I’m Jennifer, I’m 24. I’m 8 months into my real life trial.” She was in a maroon tracksuit and looked pretty androgynous except the small mounds on her chest and her flowing auburn curls. Her voice was androgynous too.
“I’m Allison, I’m 20. Sometimes I feel like a boy, sometimes like a girl. I have tried to present androgynously since I started college, but that seems to have only created more confusion, both internally and externally.”
That completed the circuit of the room, and Julie took charge again, “Now that we have introduced ourselves, I suggest we sample the homemade chocolate chip cookies and lemonade that Charli’s mom gifted us.” This led to a virtual stampede into the kitchen.
As we stood at the back of the line, Jane said to me “You are very natural and pretty as a girl. I can see how you might have trouble presenting as a boy.”
I felt a slight blush, but replied, “I think growing up in a female-only environment, I picked up the accent. Now the world doesn't want to accept me as a boy, but welcomes me as a girl.”
“That’s kind of a mirror image of the problem most of us have.” replied Jane.
We each collected a small plate of cookies and a glass of lemonade and returned to the living room.
As we all settled back into our seats, Julie reopened: “If I gauge the room correctly most of us would like to know more about Charli. Charli, can you tell us about your feelings on gender, growing up?”
I was a little uncomfortable with all eyes on me. “When my mothers homeschooled us, my sister and I were taught everything together from reading and writing to cooking and carpentry. Gender didn’t make much difference. I had a penis, so I was a boy, but that didn’t affect what I was taught or what was expected of me.”
“So you haven’t always felt like a girl trapped in a boy’s body?” asked Jane.
“I have never known what it feels like to be a girl or a boy, or if anything felt different, I was just me. It is only since leaving that protected environment that I see that the world attaches so much else, to being a boy or a girl. What I have learned is that this world, I am trying to move into, is much more welcoming when I present as a girl than when I present as a boy.”
`
“That’s different. Most of us with experience on both sides of the gender divide, would say the world is biased for men and boys, and against women and girls.” interjected Terri. Most of the room nodded in agreement.
“Then why would you want to change from male to female?” I asked.
“It’s more a need than a want. There is something inside saying you are really a woman, that makes living as a man very uncomfortable and feel like a fraud. It can be very isolating and make one feel very alone.” answered Terri. “I have found someone I love very much, and who makes me feel very loved. I doubt I could have done that hiding behind a male mask. That alone makes my transition worth it.”
“I don’t seem to have an inner direction on boy or girl. I have parts that say I’m a boy. But when I try to present as a boy, the world says there is something wrong about you, we don’t want anything to do with you. When I try to present as a girl, they say you are pretty, welcome to our world.” I said.
“Do you feel different when you present as a girl than when you present as a boy?” asked Jean.
“I feel like I’m the same me, but the world treats me differently.” I answered.
“You don’t feel like one way your being yourself, and the other your pretending to be someone else?” asked Jean.
“No, I feel like I’m myself either way. It’s just that I’m treated differently depending on how I dress.” was my reply.
“I think people want to classify you one way or the other. When they have trouble deciding, they get uncomfortable and withdraw. I suspect when you presented as a boy, your gestures and vocal patterns gave mixed signals, confusing people and making them tend to withdraw. I think my experiments with androgyny may be more authentic for me, but they are not well accepted.” said Allison.
I thought people are not rejecting boy Charlie, they are withdrawing from a stranger who is confusing them with a mix of boy signals and girl signals. They accept girl Charli because they don’t have trouble classifying her as a girl.
“Yes, the harder it is for people to classify you, the more difficult interactions with them will be.” added Jean.
“I have trouble with the idea of having no internal gender orientation. I have felt like a girl as long as I can remember, it seems like that feeling has always been there.” Said Jennifer.
“It’s true, gender orientation forms very early. But Charlie had little exposure to males and she had little exposure to the gender differentiation and expectations that most of us grow up with. She is aware of sexual differences, but comparatively new to gender differences.” stated Julie.
“Allison, do you have any comments on your internal gender compass?”
“Mine has never pointed in one direction clearly. Sometimes it seems to spin wildly, but mostly I feel somewhere in the middle. And people don’t accept the middle very well.” replied Allison.
“I think it would be better if people didn’t put so much importance on gender and make so many assumptions based on gender. They should just get to know people as individuals.” I stated.
“Amen. But we have to live in the world as it is, not as we wish it was.” said Jennifer.
Other than a couple other muttered Amens it was quite.
Julie broke the silence with “Charli, will be starting at a girl’s school. It will be her first time
in a regular classroom as she has only been homeschooled. Do any of you have any advice for her?”
“Make friends. Friends are what make school bearable.” said Jennifer.
“If you can don’t let them know you are trans. You can pass as a regular girl. Generally, you will get treated better as a girl than as a trans girl.” Said Terri.
“It might be a good idea to take some martial arts or self-defense classes.” said Jean.
“Pay attention to your grooming. It is more important as a girl than as a boy.” Said Jane.
“Pursue your own interests and learn on your own. Don’t depend on the teachers to guide you.” came from Allison.
“Have fun. Don’t let studies or teenage angst overwhelm you.” said Elaine.
“This would be a good point to end the group meeting and just socialize and enjoy the refreshments.” said Julie.
Jane leaned over to me and said, “You are a very impressive 14-year-old. I wish I could adopt you as a granddaughter.
“I’d love you as an honorary grandmother. Give me your phone, and I’ll give you mine as soon as I get a cell phone. Very soon, I hope.”
She got a pad from her purse, wrote her name and phone number on it and handed it to me, and said, “I hope to hear from you soon, young people seem to ignore their grandparents so often.”
Terri was next, “You seem to have your thoughts together better than most 14 year-olds. But be careful, this is a decision you have to make for yourself, not for others.”
“Congratulations on your engagement.” I said.
“Thank you, It’s something I never expected to happen to me. Sometimes life surprises you in good ways.” Terri replied.
“This gender stuff came as a big surprise, I hope it turns out good.” I answered.
“I think whatever you decide it will come out good. You seem like someone who will succeed at whatever you decide to do.” Terri responded.
Jean was next, “If I looked as good as you do, I would go girl in a flash!”
“I don’t think looks are that important. How kind and caring they are is much more important.” I replied.
“Well, looks are more important for girls. And as a girl you are truly blessed.” was Jean’s gruff reply.
“I’ll take that as a compliment, and leave it at that.” I replied, not understanding where Jean was coming from.
Elaine asked me, “You're not making a special effort to be feminine?”
“If you don’t count wardrobe selection, hairstyle, jewelry and makeup.” I replied.
“But you’re just speaking and gesturing naturally?” she asked.
“Yes, I’m beginning to see that is my problem trying to present as a boy.” I answered.
“The bright side is you have conquered what for many of us is one of the harder parts of transitioning.” Said Elaine.
“If asked to identify the genetic girl in the room, most people would pick you.” Said Allison who was standing nearby and listening to us.
“I didn’t realize there was a genetic girl. Are you?” I asked.
“Guilty,” answered Allison. “I’m glad to no longer be the baby of the group. So welcome and I hope you continue to come.”
“I hope you do too. I find your situation fascinating, even though. I’ve never met or even read about someone like you.” said Elaine.
“We are all different, but can all help each other. We are all learning to deal with a society that wants to label us male or female and wants to attach lots of baggage with the label. I found this meeting more helpful than I expected it to be, and intend to be back.”
“I gather you are just getting your first real taste of our society and schools?” asked Allison.
“Yes, I have only been homeschooled and until recently only had contact with my mothers and sister.” I replied.
“If you need help adjusting to school or socially, you can call me, though I don’t claim to be an expert or even average socially.” with that I collected another number for my soon to be phone.
When the meeting broke up, Julie asked, “How did you find the meeting?”
“Better than I expected. Most of the people were nice and trying to help.” I answered.
“Most?” queried Julie.
“Well, Jean seamed bitter and hostile. And I don’t understand why.” I said.
“It’s not anything you did. Jean’s gender dysphoria is flaring and she is in denial. I suspect she is jealous of how easily you present as a girl. And Jean is normally pretty cynical, bitter and hostile.” Explained Julie.
“That fits. I also came to the realization that people were not rejecting boy Charlie, just shying away because he was giving mixed boy-girl signals.” I said.
“That’s a very astute and important observation. People often feel rejected, when something very different is going on. When you feel rejected, it is good to step back and ask, is that really what is happening or is it something else. You continue to amaze me with your maturity and understanding.” said Julie.
I had read all I could about transgender, but meeting real people made it much more real. They wanted to help me, even though I still felt different from them. Something that had bothered me, was driven home. They (except Allison) had some inner drive to be feminine despite their bodies being male. I could not find any inner direction pointing to either a boy or girl, only a wish I could just forgo the label and be myself, whatever that might be."
Julie replied, "You are just starting a long journey, don't be afraid to discuss your situation, or afraid to seek help."
I returned to my room to listen to some music, and try to sort through the many thoughts floating around in my head.
Joy burst into the room, “Do you want to see my new outfit?”
“Of course!” I answered as Joy skipped back to her room to change and model for me.
Though I had found the transition to feminine easy and found shopping more fun, I doubted I would ever have the enthusiasm for clothes (and jewelry, and makeup) that most girls like Joy had.
Joy came back in a pretty lavender skirt with a floral pattern paired with a white blouse that showed the shape her training bra gave her and a pair of black patent 1” kitten heels. She radiated her euphoria at taking this small step toward womanhood. I’m sure mom felt her reaction was worth the price of the outfit.
“Very pretty, It gives you a more grown-up look. It seems you had a good time shopping.” I commented.
“It was great, but it would have been more fun if you were there too. How was your meeting?” asked Joy.
“Better than I expected. The people were mostly nice and tried to be helpful.” I answered.
“Were they weird?” she asked.
“Not really. Some gave mixed male-female signals, which was a little strange. I came to the realization that was the problem I was having as boy Charlie. I was speaking and acting like a girl and that confused people.” I said.
“You really didn’t have much for male role models. So it wasn’t really your fault.” She tried to console me.
“Yeah. I didn’t realize what was going on. I thought I was being rejected for lack of football knowledge. But really they were avoiding me because they didn’t know how to react to me.” I said.
“You are probably right. But I think anyone who made an effort to get to know you, would like you and want you as a friend,” replied Joy.
“I guess we will get to test that theory when we start school. It’s getting late and we have interviews with the headmistress in the morning. It’s time we go to bed.”
_________________________________________
Sorry for the time between installments, but I haven't been very motivated. I know this makes it hard for readers.
I think I have created a different character and situation, but I don't know if anyone can relate or cares, so comment or PM.
.
Entrance Interview
I was more anxious than I expected, I was going to be interviewed by someone with the power to deny me the educational experience I wanted.
“Girls!” mom said loudly, to get our attention. “Grace, Miss Able to you, is sharp and caring. Don’t try to BS her. She will see through it. She wants what is best for all of us.
I think she will be an ally. But her experience with their only transgender student has been largely negative, and her first priority will be what she thinks is best for the school. Just be honest and let her get to know you. I think she will see you both as major assets to the school.”
“What is negative about the current transgender girl?” I asked mom.
“I didn’t say there was anything negative about the girl. And I don’t have any direct knowledge of the situation. The impression I got was that the school has enough supervision and discipline that Grace feels that they have the bullying under control, but the girl has not been well accepted socially. She will be in 10th grade, so Joy may have more interaction with her than you Charlie.” replied mom, as she parked in the St. Katherine’s parking lot.
Mom led us to Miss Able’s office. I didn’t find the school as imposing as I expected. The school had an outstanding academic reputation. The main building was an old brick structure (I later found the cornerstone said 1898), but the inside was clean (ammonia smell) and well lighted.
I wouldn’t call it warm and inviting, but it seemed modern with new desks and lots of computers.
When we entered the office the secretary(?) greeted mom,” Hi, Frankie! This must be Charli and Joy. Welcome to St.Katherine’s. I’m Mrs. Greene, my official title is registrar, but I’m here to do anything I can to help Miss Able and the students.”
Mom said, “She means it. Over the years student’s have found she is the one to go to with school problems. I doubt anyone has graduated without her help.”
I think I detected a slight blush. But Mrs. Greene returned to business, “Charli, I believe you are first up. Knock on that door and see if she is ready for you,” pointing to a door to her right.
Interview with the Headmistress
I got up, walked to the door and knocked. I received an almost immediate “Come in.” I was greeted with a warm smile and “You must be Charli. You are looking very nice today.”
I thought not the two-headed monster you were expecting but replied: “Thank you.”
“I’ve known your mother for years, so I’m not surprised that you are exceptionally well qualified academically. But why do you want to come to St. Katherines?” she asked.
“The main reason is that it will provide an education far superior to any of the alternatives,” I answered.
“You allude to other reasons. What are they?” she asked.
“It will allow me to stay closer to my mother and sister, which I see as desirable. Also, I think it will be much safer, both physically and emotionally than the local public high school, which is the main alternative.”
“All very good reasons. How long have you felt like a girl?” Was the next question.
“I’ve never felt like a girl, nor have I ever felt like a boy. Growing up, I was happy just being me, pursuing learning what interested me and developing my abilities, regardless of whether your society labeled them boy things or girl things.” I replied.
“You seem very accomplished in presenting as a girl. Haven’t you had to work at that?” she asked.
“At first when Dr. West suggested that I might have a better educational experience as a transgender girl, it seemed like a stupid idea. But when I experimented with living as a girl, I found it surprisingly easy and quite a positive experience. What I am belatedly coming to realize, is that growing up in an all-female environment with very little male exposure, I acquired feminine vocal patterns and mannerisms. When I try to present as a boy, these give mixed signals and cause people to back away or avoid me. When I present as a girl, the pieces fit and I am easily accepted as a girl leading to a much more positive experience.” I explained.
“Wow, that was amazingly insightful and well explained. Do you think if you could overcome those presentation problems you would like to be a boy?” she asked.
“I would like to experiment with it like I have with being a girl. But I am finding more things I like about being a girl and dislike about being a boy, and think I might end up preferring being a girl.” I answered. She was asking really good questions and seemed to want to understand me.
“What are you liking and disliking?” She queried.
“Oh like friendships for example. Female friendships seem more cooperative, with girls helping each other with things like wardrobe, makeup, and hairstyles, and really talking and listening about feelings. Male friendships seem more competitive, more about alpha-male chest-bumping and establishing a pecking order than helping each other.” I said.
“I hadn’t thought about it that way, but I think you might be right. You have convinced me, I want you to be part of my school. I see you as contributing more to making this the outstanding school, I want it to be, than most students. I only wish we didn’t have to label you as transgender.” she stated.
“Why do you have to label me as transgender?” I asked.
“It’s not the kind of secret that keeps well and many of the faculty know your mother’s first child was a boy. Also, we have policies on bathroom use and changing for PE that would tend to point you out.” She replied.
“Most of this gender stuff is just stupid, creating problems where there shouldn’t be any!” I exclaimed.
“I like your passion. I am going to enjoy working with you to make this work. I’m afraid it’s time to cut this off. Could you go and send your sister in.
Joy and Headmistress
“You must be Joy. As you probably know, I am Miss Able the headmistress here.” the headmistress stated.
“Are you going to let my sister come here?” Joy asked.
“That seems very important to you.” Miss Able replied.
“It is! I want us to be together. But you didn’t answer my question.” Joy replied.
“To answer your question. Yes, your sister has earned a place in our student body. Now it is your turn, and you are not off to a good start, being rude and disrespectful.” Stated Miss Able.
“I didn’t mean to be rude or disrespectful. But you didn’t answer my question. And my moms taught me respect has to be earned and you pissed me off talking down to me.” was Joy’s comeback.
“Touche, actually you are off to a good start with your loyalty to your sister and your ability to stand up to authority. But we do discourage our young ladies from using terms like pissed off,” she said.
“Sorry, mom doesn’t like that kind of language either.” apologized Joy.
“What problems have you had adjusting from your little homeschooled world to the big city?” Grace asked.
“It didn’t seem like a little world. We had 5 acres and that felt big. I could go climb a tree and sit alone, 30 feet off the ground, and feel like the whole world was mine. Just because this location is filled with lots of people I don’t have any meaningful connection to, it makes it feel smaller, not bigger.” mused Joy.
“What is your reaction to your brother becoming your sister?” asked the headmistress.
“I LOVE it. He was a really good big brother and I loved him, but as a sister, she is soo much better and more fun.” enthused Joy.
“How is she better and more fun?” asked Grace.
“Brother seemed to think bossing me around was part of the job description. Sister treats me as more of an equal. We can talk better, share thoughts and feelings better, and girl Charli is way more fun to shop with than boy Charlie.” said Joy.
“You have lost a parent, the only home you have ever known and in a way a brother in a short period of time. How do you feel you are coping?” Asked the head.
“We all miss Mother. Especially Mom. But as Mon tells us, the best thing we can do for Jane is to get on with our lives and make them into something she would be proud of. I miss the homestead, but there are lots of new and exciting things here that I look forward to: going to a real school, making friends outside the family, shopping. I think I’ve gained more with my sister than I lost with my brother. I feel I’m coping OK.” said Joy.
“I think you are doing amazingly well. I don’t want to be the one to try to break apart you and your sister, so you are both invited to attend St. Katherine’s,” said Grace.
“Can I tell Charli and mom?” asked Joy as she bounded from her chair, bouncing with joyous energy.
“Yes. And then the three of you can all come back here to discuss how we want to proceed.”
Joy bounded to the door, flung it open, and shouted: “We’re in!” After flying into Charli’s arms for a joyous hug, she added, “She would like to talk to all three of us now.”
Family with Headmistress
After the three of us returned to the office, and were seated, The headmistress started,” Frankie, knowing you, and having read the girls' files, I had high expectations. But your girls have exceeded any expectations I might have had. I was blown away by how articulate and mature they both were, and by Joy’s unrestrained enthusiasm. I think they will both make marvelous additions to our little community.”
“Thank you, I am very proud of both of them.” replied mom.
“I think Charli will blend with the other students, much better than our current transgender student. Charlie will have to follow the policy we have set for our current transgender student, and not use the girls restrooms, and change for PE in the coach’s locker room.” Stated Grace.
“What is she supposed to do when she has to use a toilet?” Asked mom.
“There are three single occupancy laboratories on campus. She can use faculty facilities. And after carefully checking for visitors, she can use an empty men’s room.” replied Grace.
“Won’t that separate her from the other girls and point out her special status?” asked mom.
“Sadly yes. I regret it. But I can’t see letting what are anatomically still boys mix in the girls’ restroom.” replied Grace.
“Haven’t others sued to let transgenders use facilities for their preferred gender?” asked mom.
“Yes, but not as many as have sued to reverse such policies. I feel caught in the middle. But I feel I am more likely to succeed getting a few reasonable people like you and Linda’s parents to compromise than to get the rabble-rousing fanatics on the other side to shut up and mind their own business. Besides, I wouldn’t like your chances in court with the current administration.” replied Grace.
“I’m not trying to make trouble. I only want what’s best for my girls.” stated mom.
“I want what’s best for all the students and the school. If you have a better solution, I am open to considering it,” replied Grace.
Grace continued, “I think it would be best if we gave as many students as possible. A chance to get to know Charli, without the preknowledge that she is transgender.”
Mom jumped in, “How is she supposed to do that when your policies will out her?”
Grace continued, “ Charli is now aware of the rules. Students often knowingly break rules. That will be her choice. I will only enforce some rules if forced to by complaints. I propose that we tell the faculty that girls have been well home-schooled and given advanced placement and that this is their first exposure to a formal classroom environment. I do not expect her transgender status to remain secret for long, but I would like to give both Charli and Joy the chance to make some friends before it becomes well known.”
Mom replied, “ I agree with your thinking, but do you think it will work?”
Grace answered, “I don’t know, but I think it is better than telling everyone upfront that Charli is transgender. I expect everyone to treat Charli as a regular girl. That will be easier if that is what they think. Are we all in agreement on this approach?”
Mom answered first, “I agree.”
Joy quickly followed, “I agree.”
I joined in, “I agree.”
Grace continued,” OK, for now, the four of us, Mrs. Greene, and the school nurse will be the only ones who officially know Charli’s transgender status. I suggest until it becomes general knowledge none of us either confirm or deny that status. But we will all have to use our own discretion in individual situations.”
After, what seemed like a long time, with each of us looking to the others to say something, Grace continued, “I had a thought that Charli might want to join our theater club to work on her male presentation.”
She had listened well and was trying to help. “That might be a good idea. I’ll think about it .” I replied.
Mom seemed a little surprised but didn’t say anything.
“This meeting seems to be winding down. I’m sure there is much more we could work on together, but we have agreed on a general approach, and none of us quite knows what to expect next, so let us close for now. I want to offer a warm welcome to the St. Katherines community, to all three of you. Please feel welcome to come to me if you think I can help.”
Mom said, “Thank you Grace, I’m glad we’re dealing with you. You have taken, what could have been a confrontational situation, and left me with the feeling we are all on the same team.”
Joy said, “Thank you, Miss Able. You have earned my respect.”
I said, “Thank you, Miss Able. Mom said you were sharp and caring, you have proven her correct.”
“Thanks to all of you. I think you will prove to be three of the best addition to our community in my tenure.” closed Miss Able.
Lunch with Mom and Joy
As we walked out of the school, mom asked, “Do you girls have a lunch preference? I would like someplace relatively quiet and private, that we can discuss the meeting we just had,”
“There is a little Italian restaurant in our neighborhood,” I suggested.
“Is that OK with you, Joy.” asked mom.
“Fine by me,” answered Joy.
We were greeted by a waitress as we entered. “Welcome to Tony’s. May I seat you, ladies?”
Mom replied, “Thank you. Could we have a table away from other diners, so we can have a private discussion?”
The waitress pointed to a table in an alcove across from a closed bar, “Will that do?”
“That would be perfect.” replied mom.
The waitress seated us, gave us each a menu, and took our drink orders.
She was back with our drinks quickly but we were ready to order. Mom ordered a house salad,I ordered lasagna, and Joy ordered a personal pan pizza. Mom gave Joy a look that said she would have preferred Joy had ordered something else but didn’t say anything.
“Charli, did you understand what Miss Able was saying about only enforcing some rules if forced to by complaints?” asked mom?
“I think so. If I am with a group of girls who are going to the restroom, I have the choice of going with them, knowing I am breaking a rule, but there will probably be no consequences if it doesn’t cause problems.” I answered.
“Exactly. And I think she was implying that she trusted you to exercise discretion in such decisions. I want to add that I trust you too.” said mom.
I knew she trusted me, but it felt good to hear her say it.
“What did you tell her that she suggested drama club for your ‘male presentation’?” asked mom.
“I told her that I had more trouble presenting as a male, because I had acquired feminine vocal patterns and mannerisms,” I answered.
“Maybe that is why it has been so easy to accept you as a girl. Would you like to be able to give a more male presentation?” asked mom.
“I am beginning to realize that when I tried to present as a boy, I was giving off mixed boy-girl signals. This confused people, not knowing how to treat me, so they tended to withdraw. This felt like rejection. As a girl the signals align and I am much better accepted. I would like to give being a boy a fair chance, and that will require I improve my male presentation.” I answered.
“It seems you have given this a lot of thought. You know Julie and I want to be there for you as you work through these things. I wish you had talked to us about this.” said Mom.
“You can talk to me too,” interjected Joy.
“These ideas are only just coming together for me. Last night’s meeting brought some insight. Most of the people there were born male, but have had a strong inner voice shouting girl since they were very young. My inner voice says ‘just be yourself, male or female shouldn’t matter, just follow your interests and talents.’ I am just beginning to see that much of the reason I am enjoying being a girl is that others accept me better as a girl, and I like being accepted as a girl better than being rejected as a boy.”
The waitress brought mom’s salad and informed us the lasagna and pizza would be ready in about 10 minutes.
When the waitress left mom asked, “Do you think if you were equally accepted as a boy, you would prefer being a boy?”
“I dought it. I am finding lots I prefer about being a girl.” I replied.
“We will love you whatever you decide,” said Joy.
I thought, I know that, but it sure felt good to hear it.
“You know that we, Julie and me, love you too.” added mom. “I think we should share some of your insights with Julie.”
At this point, my lasagna and Joy’s pizza were delivered. The waitress asked, “Would you like Parmesan on your lasagna and pizza?”
“Yes please,” I responded.
“Yes please,” parroted Joy.
The waitress took a grater and a chunk of cheese and grated it onto my lasagna and then Joy’s pizza, and then left.
The conversation died as we ate.
After a few minutes, mom asked, “How are your meals?”
After a pause to swallow, I answered, “Very good.”
“Same here,” added Joy.
“Charli, you did very well, suggesting this place,” said mom.
“Joy, your unrestrained enthusiasm cuts both ways. As a teacher, it is great to have students with the enthusiasm for learning you two have. But Joy you have a tendency to blurt out questions, answers, and comments as they pop into your head. This is fine when we have 1 teacher and 2 students as we have had. But when there are 25 to 30 students and one teacher, as there will be, it becomes very confusing if everyone offers their inputs as you do. Most of your teachers will want you to raise a hand and be recognized before you speak. The same goes for you Charli, but I don’t expect it to be as much a problem for you.” stated mom.
“I’ll try to think before I speak,” said Joy.
“I think things will go better if you do. But I don’t want either of you to lose your enthusiasm for learning. If you find any of your teachers stifling or unbearable, let me know.” said Mom.
We both chose to nod acceptance and remain quiet.
After a quiet interlude, mom said, “I am very proud of both of you. As a reward, we will now go get cellphones for the family.” This had Joy dancing in the aisle.
I think mom intentionally ignored Joy’s disappointment when we headed for Walmart rather than the Apple store. We ended up with a family plan with unlimited talk and text and a 5 meg data limit for the entire family and 4 identical low-end android phones: pink for Joy, red for mom, silver for Julie and powder blue for me. We got a lecture on not spending lots of time with online games and using home internet, not the phone for large files and downloads. I was happy to just have my own phone. We got sequential phone numbers, identical except the last digit, Julie’s ended in 3, mom’s in 4, mine in 5, and Joy’s in 6. We joked that there was no number 1 in the family.
Home
When we got home, Joy and I ran to our rooms with our new phones. I had entered the other 3 cell phones in my contacts when I received my first call, the screen said Joy. I answered, “Hi Joy.”
“How did you know it was me?” asked Joy.
“The screen shows the calling number, and since I had already entered you in my contacts it also said Joy.” I replied.
“Well, the phones work. I’ll come to your room after dinner so we can talk. Bye.” said Joy. The screen said call ended.
I added the home phone to contacts. And then Tom. I wanted to call him, but I settled on texting him my new number.
I added Jane and Allison to my contacts but decided to have a chat with Julie before contacting them.
My phone rang again. I answered,” Hi Tom, I see you got my text.”
“I’ve been wanting to call you, but didn’t want to go through the rents.”
“You mean parents? I have to get used to teen talk.”
“You got it. I forget so much is new to you. Would you be interested in basketball on Saturday?”
“Another 1 on 1?”
“No, depending on who we can get it could be anywhere from 3 on 3 to 5 on 5.”
“Sounds good to me. Might have to check with the rent.”
“Some of us will probably go to my place for video games after we play.”
“Is that an invite?”
“Yes.”
“I’m interested in that too.”
“Good. We try to start about 11. I’ll text you details as things firm up. It will be on the court we played on.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m glad you have your own phone. Feel free to call or text whenever you want.”
“You too.”
“How’s school going?”
“It hasn’t started yet. But the phone was a kind of reward for getting accepted at Saint Katherine’s. So that part went well.”
“Congratulations. Ours hasn’t started yet, but I have a class schedule. I’m not looking forward to Algebra.”
“ Don’t let it intimidate you. It was actually one of my favorite subjects. I found it quite easy and useful.”
“Genius confirmed!”
“If you say so.”
“At least I know where to go for help.”
“Girls, dinner.” came from mom.
“Guess I have to go,” I told Tom.
“Family dinners must be nice, bye.” he replied.
“Bye.” as call ended appear on the screen.
Joy, that Evening
That evening Joy came into my room with a big smile on her face. I could feel my own smile growing. Leaping to my feet and hugging her, I exclaimed, “We’re in! She wants us!”
“Yeah, she really cares about the school and her students, and she thinks having us there, will make it better,” replied Joy, as she hugged me back.
“It’s a relief to have that over with. I have been worrying a lot, about whether I was really transgender and if I could get away with attending St Katherine’s.” I said.
“I wasn’t worried going in, but she was a little scary and made me worry when I was a little disrespectful asking if you were in.” said Joy.
“I didn’t think anything scared you,” I said.
“Of course I get scared, there are lots of scary things out there. The trick is to not let it show,” replied Joy.
“You do that well.” I complimented her.
“I’m just Wonderwoman’s (staring at me) sidekick.” looking at me with her puppy dog eyes.
“And I’m just starting to see myself as a cis-male who is better at presenting as a female than as a male,” I stated.
A surprised look came over Joy’s face, as she asked, “Are you serious?”
“Yes, I’ve always questioned whether I was really transgender. I worried that pretending to be transgender would be like a transgender person pretending to be their birth gender and might be harmful to my mental health.” I stated.
“Why didn’t you share that with me and/or mom? We want to be there for you!” asked Joy.
“I wasn’t trying to hide anything. This is just beginning to become clear in my mind.” I answered.
“Aren’t you still worried about your mental health?” asked Joy.
“Not so much. I’ve decided I’m just playing the role the world wants me to play. And in the process, I get to explore the world from a different perspective. It seems a little ironic, the world wants most transgender people to play as their birth gender, but it seems to prefer me playing a girl. ” I answered.
“Does this mean you don’t want to be a girl?” Joy asked.
“I’ve never wanted to be a girl or a boy for that matter. I just want to be me, to develop my own interests and talents. Gender labeling is just an obstacle.” I declared.
“I like being a girl! And I like you as my sister. And you make a really good girl!” exclaimed Joy.
“I like how people treat me when they think I am a girl. It’s a lot nicer than how they shun me when they think I am a boy. But I don’t think that equates to wanting to be a girl.” I replied.
“So, what are you going to do now?” asked Joy.
“Go to Saint Katherine’s and get educated, and hopefully have a lot of fun along the way. I hope to blend in, but if I am outed, which I probably will be, I will just play my transgender card.” I told Joy.
“I’ll be at your side, whatever happens!” exclaimed Joy.
“It will be a great adventure!” I stated.
“Especially doing it together!” exclaimed Joy.