by Karen Page
by Karen Page
Preface
This is written in British English. Therefore we have colour and not color and two spaces after a full stop (period). Since some concepts are different between different countries I have tried to explain things as we go along. Sometimes I'm unaware of differences so if there is a concept you don't understand or not very well explained then just add a comment and I will attempt to clarify.
Before we start the story the first concept that is different is the school structure so here is a basic overview. Hopefully this will help when I mention sixth formers you will know they are aged about 17-18 and be able to relate that to your own country.
Traditionally there were two different school structures in the UK. The structure your school has depends on the traditional in the area you live.
Structure 1:
Age 5-8: Primary school. (Years 1-4) Starting in the year you are 5.
Age 9-13: Middle school (Years 1-4)
Age 14-16: High school (Years 3-5)
Age 17-18: Sixth Form (described as lower sixth or upper sixth).
Structure 2:
Age 5-7: Infant school (Years 1-3)
Age 8-11: Junior school (Years 1-4)
Age 12-16: Secondary school (Years 1-5)
Age 17-18: Sixth Form (described as lower sixth or upper sixth).
In recent years the year naming standards have changed and you have:
Age 5: Reception
Age 6-18: Years 1-13
However the building structures still conform to one of the two above structures. All that has changed is what we call the years.
Chapter 1
"Charlie control, do you receive?"
"This is Charlie control. Go ahead Tom."
"We have a problem."
"Please state the problem Tom," replied the calm reassuring voice.
There was a deathly silence for a second.
"It's...it's Anna," spluttered Tom. "She's run out of face cream."
The rest of the drama class tittered at the quip and poor Anna had gone quite red. She wasn't a vain girl but she liked to look her best and it wasn't the first time that people had teased her about her supposed nightly rituals of face cream.
"OK class, calm down" pleaded Mr Abbots as he switched on the main lights. "The bell will be going soon, but before we end for the day I just want to remind you that next week we will be starting rehearsals for the pantomime. This year we will be performing Aladdin. One slight change from earlier years; instead of me picking who plays which parts I will be looking for volunteers and the winner of each part will be voted on by the whole class. If there are no volunteers for a part, such as the dame, I will pull a name out of the hat."
The whole class groaned just as the bell rang signalling the end of class and the end of another school day.
I walked up the hill away from school with Anna and Erika, who lived just up the road from me. I bet the planning department thought it was quite funny placing a school at the bottom of a steep hill — pupils get to classes quickly and when they are tired from a hard days work they just rub it in with the walk home. Home was in a new housing estate just less than half a mile away so it didn't take that long. As we walked down the passageway linking the old miners houses and the new estate I noticed Erika still has a puzzled expression that she had worn since drama.
"What's wrong Erika?" I asked. Erika had recently moved to England from America when her parents got transferred to head up the UK branch. We might speak nearly the same language but there were lots of traditions that she didn't understand.
"Well Bill, this might sound silly but what's different about a pantomime over a normal play and who or what is the Dame?"
"A pantomime is normally performed around Christmas time. It is normally a well-known children's story but performed in a humorous way. There's normally a lot of singing and very corny jokes. The Dame? Well this is the part of one of the leading ladies but is played by man dressed in drag with no attempt to disguise the voice etc. It is the last piece of humour in the play. In the case of Aladdin the dame is Widow Twanky and that is the part all boys in the class will be avoiding."
"I can't get over the differences between England and America," said Erika. "The concept of the pantomime is something totally different. Schools are also different in the way they operate. For instance you have lessons described as mathematics. You don't know until you are in the lesson if you are going to be doing geometry, calculus or what. In America we have separate lessons for different flavours of mathematics."
"Which is better?" I asked.
Erika shrugged her shoulders, "The American method seems to be more structured but I also like the mixture you get here. It teaches maths as a single entity which ties things together earlier. I don't really mind either way as I've got good results in both systems."
We trudged up to my house and a waved goodbye. As I walked down the drive I overheard Anna ask Erika what she would think of me as the Dame. I almost chocked but decided to ignore the comment. I knew nobody would volunteer and I worried that I might get the bad luck of the draw. Most classes I had at least twice a week but since drama was a minor study I had it for one hour on a Monday. I hated Mondays. I think the Boomtown Rats must have been right. Mondays only saving grace was the lesson before Drama — Music.
I had known Anna for about 9 years. We had gone to playschool together before starting primary school. Over the years we had done many things such as learning to ride our bicycles and as we got older exploring the area. One of our favourite places would have been out-of-bounds if either of our parents had known. If you walked along the old canal with its stagnant waters there was a small wood that was rarely visited by anyone. The trees were slightly green towards there base and at the far side was a small lake containing mostly rushes and algae, which I had fallen into when about 7. Over the years as we had grown up together we became closer and would classify her as my best friend and people have often thought of her has my girlfriend but we were nothing like that. Over the past year I have considered asking her out on an official date to the two-screen cinema in the neighbouring small town but have always been worried that it would ruin a good friendship. We often go out as a small group of me Erika and Anna with, now and again, other females.
Erika on the other hand had only been living in England for about 9 months and although Anna and I had quickly become friends with her there was not the same closeness. Maybe it was that she had grownup in America or maybe it was not having spent an entire lifetime with someone that causes this. Who knows?
One thing that we did all have in common was that our fathers worked for the same American company. There were two offices in England one here and the other in a city about 100 miles away called Milton Keynes. Erika's Dad, Donald Moore, had been brought to the UK to head up the outfit when the old UK manager had retired. Anna's father, George Scott, was in charge of the UK personnel department and my father, Andrew Toms, used to be head of UK logistics. He just got moved to head a new development project to redevelop most of the internal systems when his relationship between him and my mother failed. Apparently he persuaded Anna's father to move the job to Milton Keynes and I have not seen him since, though I speak to him often on the phone.
When I entered the house I took a deep breath and took in the aroma of today's offering. My mother worked from 10am to 3pm so she could be home to cook a nice meal. This was an arrangement she made with the company she works for when she went back to work. That way she can make sure she is home and we don't turn into latchkey children. This was OK when we were younger but I am now 13 and Beth is 15 so I felt rather hen pecked. However the one benefit was my mothers cooking. When she left school she went to cooking school and finished top of her class so I always looked forward to this time of day and tried to guess what today's special was.
After the meal I sighed contently. Several years ago Mum heard me complain to Beth that the meals were always the same and I preferred school meals as they were more varied. That was like a red rag to a bull and Mum swore that she would never cook the same dish more than once a year. This was upsetting as I loved lemon meringue pie and to only have it once a year was sacrilege. However it meant I grew up with a very wide knowledge of food and an even wider culinary appreciation.
"Bill, I think on Saturday we will continue with your cooking lessons. You have mastered most western major dish groups so I think it is about time you started on Indian dishes. I picked up the spices we need last week in Wolverhampton."
Saturday was my day of cooking. Some people at school teased me about my cooking skills but were quiet when they tasted the results. It was something I looked forward to but I still had to follow Mums rules of not cooking something we had eaten in the previous 365 days. Beth, who had already passed through Mums cooking school, cooked on Sundays, which was always a delight as she had picked up the skills well.
All three of us helped to clear the kitchen and wash up and then both Beth and I excused ourselves to do our homework.
At about 7pm Mum left to do her Avon round and Beth was just going out to visit her boyfriend Kevin so I was left alone. I missed Dad as he used to be home at this time. About a year ago my parents had a major disagreement and Mum asked Dad to leave. It was the strangest event ever as Mum and Dad were very much in love. I tried to find out the nature of the disagreement but Beth didn't know and Mum wouldn't tell me. Whenever Dads name was mentioned Mum would get very quiet and her eyes would glisten. I had come to the conclusion that Dad must have had an affair but that wouldn't have been like him. He always was there for Mum, so affectionate and loving.
Tuesday came and went and was pretty much nondescript but Wednesday was just awful. I hated Wednesdays and Thursdays with a passion as on those days I had Games / PE. I was physically quite a small person and had no interest in sports such as football and rugby. However sometimes we went on a cross-country run which I did enjoy and did very well at. As we were marched to the football pitch, our studded boots leaving a trail of tiny dots in the semi frozen ground, I knew today was going to be hell.
"Today there are sixteen of you so we will play eight-a-side football. Tom and Harry you will be captains. Starting with you Tom, pick a player and that person please join your team," barked the games teacher. "Harry's team will play stripes. If Harry picks you then please reverse your jersey." We stood there getting cold in our shorts and long sleeved sports jersey, a bitter wind biting into our exposed legs.
Gradually people were picked and as usual Simon and I were left.
"I'll have Simon," stated Tom "and you can have Bill".
The cold wind sliced into my body as I removed my jersey. My teeth chattered as I reversed the top. I now had a 6cm red stripe across my chest. I hate Games.
In the showers after it just got worse.
"Are you sure you are a boy?" said somebody. Another said "Aren't you in the wrong changing room?"
During the morning break I was walking towards the toilets past the sixth form common room. As I was going up the stairs to the first floor I heard somebody ask, "Was that a boy or a girl?"
I turned to give them a piece of my mind when Anna caught up with me. She apparently had heard the comment. "Don't worry about it Bill. We know that you are physically a boy so don't sweat about it."
"But why do people have to make such comments. Do I look like a girl?" I was holding back the tears. I didn't want to show weakness in front of Anna.
"Not really." Anna thought for a second pondering how to phrase an answer to such an awkward question. You have to tell the truth without making it sound cruel. "You are a bit on the small side with slightly wide hips and are very slim making your waist look smaller. However you don't have breast and your bottom isn't big. If people thought you looked like a girl you would have had a lot be stick than a few comments from the sixth formers."
Next was maths, which always cheered me up. Maths and Home Economics I could do. The teacher was covering topics I already knew so I didn't pay that much attention to Mrs Brown's ramblings. My mind turned to the conversation with Anne and the impact of the sixth formers question. Did I look feminine? Did I act like a girl? No I don't think so.
Mrs Brown asked me a question about the knowledge she had been imparting which interrupted my thoughts. Deciding not to worry about who or what I was I turned my attention back to the matter at hand — maths. I knew the answer and quickly gave it. Obviously she thought I wasn't concentration so I decided to expand my answer and stated in what conditions my answer wouldn't be relevant. This caused a great deal of confusion with the other pupils and meant I was left alone for the rest of the lesson. I was then board so spent time doodling on my scrap paper book.
That night after another culinary delight Mum asked Beth to check something on the car which was yet another part of Mums training. If I could do cooking then Beth could do car maintenance. My parents had decided quite early on in our lives that they didn't believe in gender differences when doing chores. After I'd finished Mums cooking lessons I would be learning car maintenance.
"So Bill, what's going on?" queried Mum as she carried the 3 desert bowls to the sink. Queen of Puddings had certainly gone down well and wouldn't be seen again for at least another year. Me and my big mouth.
"With what?"
"Well since yesterday you have been withdrawn. You appear to have had a lot on your mind. I believe that yesterday you were told about the pantomime; is it that?"
Over the years I had learnt to trust my mother. If you were truthful with her she would normally understand what was going on and give advice that helped.
"Yes. I am a bit nervous about if any parts have no volunteers that I might get picked. I would rather play in the pit than take any acting role." Even though I trusted my mother I didn't think it would be good to tell her about people thinking I was a girl. There are limits!
My mother took all this in and thought for a few seconds. "I take it is the Dame part that is of most concern?" as I nodded she continued "Why don't you then volunteer for one of the other parts and then even if you don't get picked for that part you might not get put in the hat for any remaining places"
***
Monday soon came and I stumbled down the stairs to get breakfast.
"Are you OK?" asked my concerned Mum. "You look like you didn't have much sleep."
"I'm fine," I mumbled as I plonked myself into the chair. "I was just thinking about the week ahead." Actually I had been thinking about last Fridays sixth formers comment and Anna's even earlier comment. Was I that feminine? If I had a slight feminine build did I act like a girl? I didn't think the answer to any of the questions was yes, but what did I know. It wasn't the sort of question that I could ask my Mum or over the phone with my Dad. Could I ask Beth? Maybe, but not yet as I was worried she might tell Mum.
I put on my coat and left just as Erika and Anna walked by.
"Ah, baby weather," I said to the girls and grinned at their confused faces. "You know wet and windy". They both grimaced as the wind drove the rain under their umbrellas and into their faces. The dark clouds scuttled across the sky which reminded me of films where people were marched to their death. I had a bad feeling that today was not going to be one I would want to remember.
The day progressed well and by lunch I was starting to think that maybe I had it wrong. The wind was still howling outside and the sound of the rain pelting against the windows tended to lessen the enthusiasm people had to snipe at each other. I decided to go into one of the soundproof music practice rooms. They were quite small at about 8 foot square but gave the peace I required to practice. After about 30 minutes of playing the oboe my mouth was beginning to ache and I noticed it was time for afternoon registration. Only just over an hour before drama.
Walking from registration to the first afternoon class, which was music, only took a minute as my registration took place in the music block. Each class also took attendance just to ensure that nobody missed a lesson they didn't like. If it wasn't for this I would never have gone to Games.
I listened as Mr Small rattled through a list of names and people smartly responded. I mentally tuned out and worried myself about the up coming lessons. It was coming up to my name
"Trevor?"
"Here" came the response from towards the back. Next is mine I absently thought as my mind was still elsewhere.
"Jill?"
"Here" I clearly responded.
There were several sniggers throughout the class and I quickly replayed in my mind what was said and went bright red and buried my head in my lap.
"Sorry Bill" said the equally embarrassed teacher and he progressed with the attendance speaking a bit clearer so no other incidents like that occurred. The lesson itself was enjoyable apart from now again I would spy other people in the class sneaking glances at me and muttering between themselves.
The bell shrilly rang out signalling the change of class and we all trouped across the corridor towards the hall where torture known as drama was dispensed.
"Are you okay?" queried Anna as we walked to along. She slipped her arm into mine to give me comfort.
"I think so," I whispered lowering my head. "It was just a slip of the tongue and by tomorrow most people will have forgotten."
"I think you were very brave" chimed in Erika who slipped her arm into mine on the other side. "Some people would have kicked up a fuss but you just carried on which was probably for the best. So have you put your name forward for any parts?"
"Most male parts." I nodded as we took our seats in the hall. "Apart from Widow Twanky. I don't think anybody will have volunteered for that."
"Boys and girls quieten down," instructed Mr Abbots. "Today we have the results of the parts for the pantomime. As you all know there are 7 main parts in total and that is what we will cast now. Additional bit parts will be sorted along with people to help with the sets. The GCSE and A Level art classes will obviously do the painting. Music will be by the schools orchestra. People who get a part who are in the orchestra will be excused from the orchestra."
"Okay we will start with Aladdin. We had 6 people volunteer for this part. I will list the people and then go through each name one by one and will go with a show of hands".
Mr Abbots did that and I didn't get the part. The process was repeated for Wishy Washy, The Emperor, Abanazar, The Fairy and The Princess.
"We now come to the part that nobody volunteered for, Widow Twanky. Since some of you men put your names down for more that 2 parts I have come to the conclusion that you were desperate to act. Therefore if any of the men put yourselves volunteered for 2 or more parts I have added your names back into the hat for Widow Twanky."
Mr Abbots passed a small cardboard box to Tom and asked "Can you please pull a folded piece of paper out of the box. I then want you to announce the winner and pass the paper back to me."
Tom took the box and put his hand in and withdrew a single piece of paper. "Bill Toms" he shouted with glee. He quickly folded the paper back and replaced it into the box.
"You were supposed to hand me the piece of paper so I could verify the name." complained the teacher. "Oh well never mind."
"Well done Jill" crowed one of the boys on my left. A titter of laughter broke out in the class.
"That isn't on" I spluttered. "How can you be sure that it was my name?"
"Are you calling me a liar?" Tom challenged back. His mussels rippled across his shirt as he stood up.
I gulped, shook my head, and retook my seat. Why did things like this always happen to me? The remaining 30 minutes appeared to be 30 hours. Scripts were handed out and minor parts assigned. My thoughts however were else where like how ridiculous I was going to look and what damage it would do to my already flaky reputation. I couldn't act and my desire not to be Widow Twanky had caused this to occur. What is going to be worse, my crap acting or how stupid I will look in a dress? I know that the dame is supposed to look silly, as it is all part of pantomime, but that isn't my style; I like to look the part.
"Just before the bell goes I would like to remind everyone to look over their scripts before the Wednesday lunchtime rehearsal. Also remember the primary seven actors have to be measured for their costumes tomorrow lunch in the sewing room."
The bell went and we all filed out all trying to get away from school and do something for the evening. Some people looked quite cheerful as they had the parts they wanted but there were also many others that had been roped into parts or positions that were unsuitable. Look at my situation; I would have been much happier playing the oboe in the pit but no I end up playing the dame. What a life.
"I need to get something from my locker," I lied to Anna and Erika. "I'll see you tomorrow". I knew they would walk slowly up the hill, hoping I'd catch them up to make sure I was okay with what had occurred in music and in drama. However this was the last thing that I wanted to talk about. I needed to get home and actually think about what had happened and decide my true feelings.
Instead of leaving by the usual route of out of the back door and up the side street I left by the front and walked smartly down the main road and past where the old primary school used to be. Yes I know things change but if a school has stood for over a hundred years I'm sure that it would have sufficed for another hundred.
Even the smell of the food didn't cheer me up as I walked into the door. I was about five minutes earlier than usual which must have puzzled Mum as she poked her head round the door to see who it was.
"Take your things upstairs and come and help me in the kitchen" she said kindly. Obviously she had seen the look of anguish on my face and to be asked to help with the food instead of relaxing she must have thought it quite important. Two minutes later I trouped into the kitchen ready for her firm but kind cross-examination.
"So what part did you get?" obviously she thought getting to what she thought was the root of the problem.
"Widow Twanky." I muttered as I took my frustration out by finely chopping a cabbage. I explained what had happened and the plan as it had been outlined less than an hour before. The doorbell rudely interrupted our cosy chat and I was quite relieved when she went to answer. I moved closer to the kitchen door and steered myself behind it to listen. The odour of fresh paint from last week still lingered when too close to it.
"Hi you two," exclaimed Mum as she opened the door. I peeked through the gap between the kitchen door and the frame and spied Anna and Erika.
"Is Bill home?" Anna asked; concern evident in her voice. "He had quite a rough afternoon and I haven't seen him since drama."
"Bill got home about ten minutes ago and he's a little upset but will be okay. I think it might be best if he doesn't discuss this with you till tomorrow. He is still in shock and distressed about it."
Anna looked a bit unsure and looked like she was going to argue the point but Erika replied "I think you are right Mrs Toms, we will see him tomorrow. Just let him know we called and are thinking of him".
Erika then steered Anna, who still looked upset, up the driveway. Mum quietly shut the front door and as she came into the kitchen I darted back to the kitchen table and continued with the preparation. She glanced over the lack of progress and I noticed the corner of her lips moved slightly up, paused and fell back down.
"Okay so I don't have to explain that," she stated. "Let's finish off."
I didn't know if she meant the earlier conversation or the food so I actively continued to chop hoping that the pantomime would not mentioned. I heard the front door open and Beth bounded in.
"Is it true that you have been picked to play Widow Twanky?" puffed Beth as Mum glared at her.
"Yes" I quietly replied lowering my head. "Can I start my homework now?" I asked turning to my Mum.
She nodded and I turned a scampered to my bedroom took out my books and started. Working like this took my mind of the problems that I had. 30 minutes later I heard Mums shout and went for my meal. The meal was unusually quiet and it was becoming obvious that Mum was deep in thought. Beth who was normally chirpy didn't speak much and I think Mum must have explained how upset I was.
Just before bed I was still thinking about today's events and came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to sleep very well and needed some answers to the multitude of questions floating in my head. Mum called out good night as she went into her room and I thought that it would be best to talk to Beth about it, as I didn't understand Mums reaction. I also remembered an event that had occurred when I was about 5 years old.
While being out I had noticed a lady with an extended tummy. My Mum later had told me that she was carrying a baby and taught me the word pregnant. When Mum was tucking me in bed I asked her where babies came from. This, I found out, was a bad move. When asked a question Mum always tried to give a full but age dependant response. She went on to impart information for about an hour when I just wanted to go to sleep.
I quietly snuck across that hall and quietly knocked on Beth's door. I hoped that Mum wouldn't hear.
"Beth...Are you decent?"
"Yes...come in". I walked in and she asked, "What is it?"
Beth's room was always a delight to visit. She took pride in her belongings and had her room arranged so everything was neat but accessible. Her bed faced east so on sunny mornings she would have the delight of the sun steaming through the window. Against the far wall next to her wardrobe was a small compact dressing table with assorted cosmetics arranged neatly.
I turned to my sister saying, "I was just pondering about what occurred today and wanted to know why you and Mum were so quiet earlier?"
So not to disturb Mum Beth responded in a lower tone. "I've never seen Mum as upset before. Well actually she was like this just before Dad left. From some of the thinks she said I think she has a problem with you getting the part of the Dame. It is like she hates the thought of you dressing as a girl. She is aware that you don't have the easiest time at school and I think she worries that this might make it worse."
I thought about what Beth had said and responded with "What about you? You were quiet through the meal."
Beth looked at me with uncertainty in her eyes. She swallowed hard. "I am probably aware more than Mum what teasing you get at school. I have heard some of the comments myself and am aware that it's a lot worse than either of us knows. Some of my quietness was due to my worries."
I stared straight into her eyes and retorted "There is more to it than that. I need to know."
Her face looked contorted with worry. There was obviously something more but she held out. We stared at each other for a while and I was pondering exactly what was going on.
"No secrets. Remember?" I urged her. She continued to look panicked for a moment and then made up her mind.
"Okay then but this is not going to be easy for me to tell you or you to accept. Mum will be upset with me for telling you some of this so please keep this to ourselves."
I nodded my consent and she continued, "I was trying to imagine you as Widow Twanky and it was a bit ridiculous. I then tried to think of you as my sister instead of my brother." Beth hung her head at this point "and I found it quite easy. I thought about how we could do things together that we can't do now and how enjoyable it might be. I also heard what happened in music, it didn't take long for that to spread."
She looked up at me with concern and I leaned across and gave her a hug. "Don't be upset sis. As brother and sister we are close but I am sure that we would be closer if we were sisters. There is nothing wrong with your thoughts. Mum and Dad have brought us up without much gender difference so we could be closer. We both do cooking, sewing, knitting, decorating, woodwork, cleaning and you have been learning about car maintenance which I will be doing next. However I am surprised that you found it easy to think of me as your sister. I know I get teased a lot at school but I'm not that feminine."
My sister sadly shook her head, "Bill don't get upset about this and please don't mention this to Mum as she would be angry with me for telling you. You have a few attributes which make you...slightly less masculine than you might want."
"WHAT?" I exclaimed a bit loudly.
"Shush or you will have Mum finding out what's going on." Responded Beth urgently. I uttered my apologies and she continued. "Besides being a bit on the short side you have one other major attribute which is very feminine, your hips."
"They're not that bad" I interrupted Beth. "They're only a bit wider. Clothes still fit."
"Have you ever been clothes shopping?" responded Beth.
"You know that Mum always buys my clothes." I did not like where this was going.
"Depending on the trouser fit Mum does one of two things. If the clothes are quite androgynous she will buy from the girls section and remove the label or sew in a boy's label. If there are no clothes that will work she purchases a larger item from the boy's section and then has to alter the waist to fit."
I looked at her with a little shock. I knew my hips were wide, as Anna had confirmed this the other day, so the rest wasn't too much. Beth looked at me with concern. She was frightened that she had told me too much. "It's okay." I said as I took her hands in mine. "I've always known I'm not going to be a strapping rugby player and it does make sense what Mum has been doing with the clothes. Do you help with the alterations?"
Beth nodded looking relieved that I hadn't freaked out. My mind wondered a bit to tomorrow's activities and then I remembered...I started to shake with fear. My eyes started to moisten and it wasn't long before they were trickling down my cheeks. Beth scooped me into her arms, gently rocking me and stroked by hair.
"I'm here," she uttered trying to comfort me. "Tell me what's wrong".
It took a few minutes before I was able to utter a word. "Tomorrow I've got a costume measurement with Mrs Harries."
Mrs Harries was in charge of sewing lessons and would make up the costumes. The tears started to come down quicker. "And you are frightened about her son Tom finding out? Isn't he in your class?"
I nodded yes to both of those. "If Tom finds out I am finished. You know that he's friends with the other boys that tease me. I am frightened that it might go beyond teasing."
Beth continued to rock me for about five minutes as she tried to think of a solution. "I have a plan for the measurements and the costume, so don't worry." The tears gradually stopped, as did the shacking. I looked up and must have had a querying face as she continued, "Just turn up as expected but don't panic. I'm not going to tell you the plan so you will give the correct reactions."
"Okay" I responded. I trusted my sister. I wiped my tears, gave my sister a quick peck on her cheek, a hug and returned to my room.
More [A Strange Attraction to Concrete Cows]
by Karen Page
proof read by Angel O'Hare
Chapter 2
At breakfast the next day Beth didn’t mention anything about my nocturnal visit and Mum didn’t say anything about knowing about it. Nothing more was mentioned about the pantomime. Conversation however was quite heated about items that were on last night’s news. Dad always talked about current topics to keep us abreast in the world. Mum just continued when Dad had left.
I left the house just as Anna and Erika came down the road and we walked together to school. I thanked them for calling round last night and apologized for not being up to visitors.
During the first break I was sat on a bench talking with Anna and Erika when Beth came up.
“Hi. Bill, I’ve sorted out what we talked about last night. However some assistance might be needed. Could Anna or Erika accompany you?”
Both of the younger girls looked confused at Beth’s cryptic message but they both responded that they would both accompany me. With her mission completed Beth skipped off back to her friends. I had known Anna for years and wouldn’t mind discussing my hips as she had already mentioned them but I was unsure about Erika.
After we had lunch the three of us went to the sewing area. It was a largish room to the right of the home economics department. When we got there Beth was waiting and Mrs Harries fussing over two other people in the pantomime.
Mrs Harries and Beth came up to us.
“Hi Beth,” I said looking surprised. “What are you doing here?”
“Bill, as you are aware Beth, like yourself, took the Food and Nutrition version of Home Economics early with highest marks. As you have also been taught sewing and clothes making at home she has volunteered to be the first student at this school to try the Textiles version and has to make an outfit for her GCSE course work. She has asked if she can make your costume, which I have agreed to. This will be a great help, as I will have six other costumes to alter. I will leave her to measure you while I continue with Harry and Tania.”
Mrs Harries walked to the other end of the room and Beth took charge. “Anna, will you jot down the measurements while Erika helps me measure?” They both nodded. “Bill, take off your shoes and stand over here.”
I took off my shoes and placed them on the table by Anna and moved over to Beth. She got out a tape measure and with Erika’s help started with my height, arm length, inside and outside leg measurement, chest, waist and hip size. Beth stated each figure and Anna wrote it down. I saw her eyebrows rise when she heard some of the measurements and I knew that she and Erika now knew my secret.
“Thanks for doing this sis. I know that it’s a big undertaking.”
“Are you going to be okay?” she responded
“Yes thanks. You know my feeling on this. I don’t mind doing it as long as I don’t look ridiculous. If I have to play the part of a woman I want to be the most realistic looking one possible.”
“No problem.” She replied with a smile and turned to Anna and Erika. “We are taking a gamble with letting you in on this but you are Bills friends and I know that you will keep quiet, even to your parents.”
Both Anna and Erika nodded. I thanked Beth with a hug and we left.
Erika went to the toilet leaving me alone with Anna while we waited for the bell signalling the start of afternoon lessons.
“What do you think of me now?” I asked Anna.
“I think you are very brave. You are aware that Tom probably set you up but you are making the most out of it. The shape thing has been quite a shock for Erika. I’ve known you for years and this was worse than I thought so I’ve no idea what Erika thinks. We need to discuss this after school. Can you come to my house at about seven?”
I nodded as Erika came out of the toilets her face looking ashen. She had the air of somebody that had just regurgitated her lunch. Knowing that Anna would need to help sort out Erika I made my excuses and went to the music practice rooms.
When we filed into afternoon registration Erika looked a lot better. “Sorry,” she whispered into my ear. “I will explain at seven.”
I walked home with Erika, as Anna had to see her English teacher about her homework. The quality was good, too good and she wanted to set some extra work to tune her skills. We avoided discussing what had happened at lunch and instead had a good laugh at what had transpired in French. Poor Tom had got some of his French mixed up with German and had got the teacher, who was Italian most confused.
Later during the evening meal, as we were finishing off a Lancashire Hotpot, Mum asked me, “So what is the schedule for the pantomime?”
I caught the twinkle in Beth’s eyes. It was obvious that she had not discussed her plan with Mum. “It has already started. Today we were measured for the costumes and we start to read through the script tomorrow.”
Mum looked worried. She felt guilty for taking her eye off the ball. “Measured?” she squeaked. “Already?” I nodded. “Who measured you and who is doing the dress?”
I felt sorry for her and let her out of her misery. “As Beth has already completed the food Home Economics course she has decided to take the textiles version. She has volunteered to do my costume as her GCSE coursework. She did the measurements at lunch. Mrs Harries wasn’t involved at all.”
She looked relieved and she glared at the smirking Beth. It suddenly dawned on her that Beth would not have been able to do all the measurements on her own. “If Mrs Harries wasn’t involved then who assisted? Who wrote the details down?”
“Anna and Erika,” I responded. “They had already noticed my...unusual shape.” I crossed my fingers under the table while saying that part, as it was only half true. “I’m their friend and they won’t say anything, even to their parents. I can’t hide forever and people do see me when I shower after PE.”
“True,” she said resigning herself to the fact. “Some people can be very cruel and I just didn’t want you to get hurt.”
“That is why you should be thanking Beth for what she volunteered for today. Do you know that Mrs Harries son is in my class and what the reaction would be if he found out? It is thanks to the way you alter my clothes so it isn’t as noticeable that other people haven’t said anything.”
As Mum started to put out the pudding, which today was baked apples the core filled with sugared currants, she suddenly realized the implication of my previous statement and nearly dropped the dish.
“YOU knew about your hips and also knew I was altering your trousers?” she spluttered.
Oh dear time to stretch the truth again. Beth had been a big help and I didn’t want to get her into trouble. “Of course I knew about my hips, I shower with other boys and could see they were different. I also have seen women during the summer when they wear a lot less and could see I was developing in a similar manner. The clothes? Well you did teach me about sewing and altering clothes. I could tell that you altered some of them. The non altered trousers I presume are girl’s trousers; Anna has some that are very similar.”
Mum quickly finished dishing out the desert and sat down with a bump. “I’m sorry,” she said between bites. “I should have trusted your judgment and not tried to hide everything from you.”
“I think you should keep Bill in the loop as he won’t know that he can turn to you or me if he doesn’t know that we also know,” added Beth fanning her mouth, as the apple was still too hot.
“I’m sure that you have a few questions regarding your condition,” stated Mum. “When we’ve finished lets cleanup and all go into the lounge and discuss it and then you will need to go to Anna’s so you won’t be late.”
When we entered the lounge I sat down on the three-seat settee. Beth joined me and Mum sat opposite on one of the two individual settees so she could watch my reaction and stop if it got too much. Mum pored herself a small brandy and took a large sip. I then knew how difficult it was for her to discuss the details.
“As you know you have been to the doctors once every three months over the last two years; at eleven you were too young to understand the problem so we didn’t mention it. You were about eight and you started puberty, which is very early. Boys normally start puberty at between ten and fourteen while girls start at about two years earlier. At first your puberty was on track such as developing underarm hair and facial hair. However you also started getting wider at the hips. Your father was the first to notice this when you asked him to put an extra notch on your belt. You were starting to need larger trousers to get over your hips so you needed a narrower waist.”
“You are aware of the different number of tests that you have had and they ruled out most syndromes. Six months ago we got the tests back which pointed to a rare genetic / hormonal issue. What you won’t have learnt yet in biology is that the male body produces both estrogens and testosterone. The male body just produces much more of the testosterone that negates any affect the estrogens might have on the body. There is however a rare condition which causes the body to ignore the testosterone and the boy might start to develop breasts, wider hips and other secondary female characteristics. However your condition is somewhat stranger. In your body it is just one area that ignores the testosterone.”
“You mean that I will have a male body which still produces sperm but with wide hips? I won’t get breasts or anything like that?”
“As I said this is quite very unusual and the doctors are unsure what is going to happen. The testosterone receptors in other parts of your body are weak and it wouldn’t take much to disrupt them. In that case you might start to develop other secondary female characteristics. However the receptors in your groin region are strong, so no mater what you will always produce sperm.”
The thought of me actually getting breasts was just too much for me and I broke down. If I was getting stick at school now for just wide hips imagine what it would be like if for all outward appearances I was a girl. “School?” I eventually managed to get out between sobs.
“If the worst happened then we could move to a different area and therefore a different school where they wouldn’t know you as anything different. However the doctors are carefully monitoring you and we would have several months notice of failed receptors before anything visible occurred.”
I eventually started to calm down and noticed the time was quarter to seven. I was supposed to be at Anna’s in fifteen minutes. I really didn’t feel like going as I wasn’t ready to discuss this. I went to the phone and dialled her number.
“Hi Mrs Scott, this is Bill. Can I speak with Anna?”
There was a pause will Anna came to the phone. “Anna, I can’t make it tonight. Can we do it tomorrow instead?”
My voice was still shaky as her response was “Are you okay? You sound like crap.”
At that point I broke down again and Beth kindly continued the phone call for me. “Mum has just been explaining the complete medical situation behind what you found out at lunch. It’s been quite a shock for both of us and Bill couldn’t take reliving it again today.”
There was a pause for a second “Tell Bill that we are thinking of him. We will not mention it to him and he can tell us when he is ready. Can you just answer one thing though...it isn’t fatal?”
“Bill isn’t going to die and his condition is currently stable. He can live with that; however what he is concerned about is if it doesn’t stay stable. That is something that Bill will talk to you about when he is ready.”
They said good-bye and Beth hung up the phone. I went back to the lounge and I curled up leaning on Beth while listening to some reflecting classical music. I must have drifted of as I awoke the next day in my bed with my Mum confirming if I was able to go to school.
On the way to school the conversation was stilted. They appeared to be avoiding raising anything that might be misconstrued as prying into last night. Towards the bottom of Hill Street I’d had enough.
“Just stop pussy footing around. Yes I’m still a bit fragile from yesterday but you two are my friends and I’m going to need your support. Now isn’t the time to discuss this as there are too many people around and there isn’t enough time. As long as my Mum doesn’t drop another bombshell I will be there tonight”
The day went as well as any other Wednesday. Football was another lesson in humiliation. Why doesn’t the teacher pick the sides instead of having two captains picking them?
At lunch the read through went well as all the other actors wanted to be there. Nobody made fun of me being the Dame, which helped the nerves. We were told that for the rest of the week there would be daily lunchtime rehearsal. The following week we would start to practice on the stage.
During the afternoon we had Art. As usual during any actual drawing Mrs Lewis had the room in virtual silence. The only noise would be an occasional whisper. Today we were drawing a bowl of fruit. All was going well till Anna made a slight mistake when trying to get the shadow of the pineapple correct.
“Erika,” she whispered, “do you have a rubber?”
“WHAT!” exclaimed Erika who looked rather shocked. The whole class looked up wondering what was going on.
“Is everything okay?” asked Mrs Lewis approaching our table. As she approached Anna dived into Erika’s pencil case removing an object.
“Yes miss,” answered Erika. “Sorry miss.”
“See me after class,” she said moving away to deal with a slight disturbance at another table.
“Sorry”, whispered Erika to Anna. “We call that an eraser. A rubber is something completely different.”
”What?” whispered back Anna who was intrigued, actually so was I.
Erika leaned right over to Anna and told her why she’d freaked. Anna just started to giggle and was also told to see the teacher at the end of class.
At seven I strolled up the street to Anna’s house. As I walked I quickly ran through my mind how I was going to tell them and worried how they would take it. Mrs Scott answered the door after I rang their doorbell and was ushered into the lounge. Erika and Anna sat there looking shocked and looked like they both had been crying.
“Are you okay?” I queried. “I’ve not even told you my news yet!”
Anna rushed up and gave me a very tight hug. “Oh Bill it’s awful. We’ve just had some awful news”. Erika came up and hovered so I turned and crushed her as well.
“We want you to tell us your news first,” stated Erika. “Then we will tell you what upset us.”
I nodded and Anna dragged the both of us to her room as I pondered what could have happened which had upset them both. Also Mrs Scott didn’t look like her cheerful self. Just as we settled down Mrs Scott came bustling in with a tray of snacks, cakes and drinks. She also put out three boxes of tissues.
“This should help,” she said with a weak smile. “Just to ensure privacy we are going down to Erika’s parents. Give us a ring when you are finished.”
I grabbed a handful of crisps and started by putting the onus on them. “So from what you found out when Beth took my measurements you tell me what you think is wrong. If we start with Erika because Anna has known me for longer and don’t hold back because no matter what you say isn’t going to cause offence.”
Well I think that surprised them as they both looked at each other for support. Erika swallowed some of her orange juice and after a moment started. “Well when Beth took the measurements I was very surprised as I had never noticed your shape. Are you a girl who wants to be a boy?”
I almost spluttered my crisps over Anna who was sitting opposite. Anna just giggled and handed me a paper napkin. Erika started to apologize and I waved her down.
“I’ve known Bill for nearly ten years,” stated Anna. “Therefore I don’t think that Erika’s theory holds water unless this has been going on that long. Bill’s hips are very feminine but he has no other signs such as breasts. You’ve also never got on with many other boys and have always preferred to hangout with girls. He is also an excellent cook so here is my theory. Bill is a boy who wants to be a girl and has started taking female hormones.”
Luckily I had emptied my mouth of crisps otherwise my choking fit would have covered both of them. After a moment and a complete glass of water I was able to continue.
”Well let us start with Erika’s theory. I am male and I am fully equipped. I can prove it but I dread the punishments that our parents would dream up for us all if I did. As for Anna’s theory I don’t want to be female and never have. I am certainly not taking female hormones.
“If only one of your theories were correct it would be much easier. However what I am going to tell you stays with the two of you. My life is going to be difficult enough without worse hassle than I currently get. I’m probably going to get upset telling you the details but it is something that I need to tell you so please let me get it out. Also some of the details are very medically technical but there is no other way.”
Erika moved the empty food tray and put it outside the door. Anna grabbed the boxes of tissues and sat to my right. When Erika returned she emulated Anna’s position on my left. I could feel the warmth of their closeness and it gave me the courage to relate what I had been told twenty-six hours earlier.
I told them about how my hips were the only things affected and how my parents had kept it secret. As we finished tears were trickling down my cheeks like a leaky tap. Anna had her arm around me and Erika had her right hand on my leg. They both looked shocked at my news.
Erika was the first to recover. “So that is why Beth took your sizes. Nobody else must suspect. I feel honoured that you both trusted me enough to tell me. You haven’t known me for as long as Anna so it mustn’t have been easy.”
Anna, always the clever one, looked at me and said, “That’s the past and present. What does the future hold for you?”
I bent my head and gazed at my feet. Somebody turned on the taps behind my eyes again as I said, “I have two possible futures. If something is found to strengthen the receptors then I might stay fully male. The receptors by my scrotum are strong so I will always be a fertile male however the likelihood is that something will cause the other weak receptors to fail and I will get a more feminine figure including breasts. Then I will have to live as a woman.”
I then fully broke down into a fitting sob. I spat out, “I don’t want to live as a woman. I fancy girls not boys.”
Erika and Anna both grabbed me and held me as I chocked on my seeping mucus. Anna scooped me into her arms and rocked me till I calmed down. We separated and Anna rushed out of the door mumbling something about needing the toilet. On her return we talked about incidentals till I realized that earlier they were both upset about something. I glanced at the clock and it was about 9:30.
“You both had some depressing news for me and I have to be home by ten.”
“I’ll tell you,” injected Erika. “I don’t think Anna could cope with explaining this after what you’ve just told us.”
Anna had repositioned herself next to me and we both held on to each other. She appeared to need as much comfort as I had earlier.
“Our fathers both explained this evening that all the manufacturing is moving here but personnel and the main management are moving to Milton Keynes. We have to sell our house and move in the first week of January.”
Anna burst into tears and after a moment pulled away from me and ran out of her room again. I stared at the door she had slammed in shock. In all the years I had known her I had never seen anything so emotional. I blinked several time and continued to stare for a few more seconds. Turning to Erika I asked “What?”
Erika shot to the bathroom to find out what was happening and in a moment returned pulling Anna along.
“I’m sorry” she forced out. “You need me and in a few months I will be gone.”
I heard the big grandfather clock that was in the lounge chime ten. I knew this was important and decided to break my curfew. Anna needed me. Erika was now on Anna’s left and me on her right. We both hugged her till she calmed down. When she saw that it was 10:15 she kicked Erika and me out of the house.
When I got home I quietly opened the front door. The house was silent. I locked the door and tiptoed towards the stairs. My mother came out of the kitchen and saw my tear stained cheeks and knew it had been a bad night.
“Go on up,” she gently said. “I will let the lateness go this time.”
After I slid into bed I found I had too much on my mind and couldn’t sleep. I heard my Mum come up the stairs and go into her room. The house was silent. I tossed for another ten minutes and then the impact of Anna leaving crept up to me and I had a vision of Anna leaving behind a removal van.
“NOOOO,” I yelled. The floodgates again opened and I openly wept into my pillow. Beth rushed in, scooped me into her arms and tried to comfort me. My Mum arrived at the door having donned a dressing gown. They both thought it was a reaction to my medical problems but I managed to get out “Erika and Anna are moving to Milton Keynes”.
“Mum you go to bed,” firmly insisted Beth.
Mum obviously got some hidden message as she kissed me good night. “Don’t stay up too late” she warned Beth as she returned to her room.
“Come into my room so we don’t disturb Mum,” ordered Beth. We decamped and soon we were sitting on her bedroom floor with her bed supporting our backs.
After a several reflective minutes she whispered, “You still fancy her don’t you?”
I nodded as the tears started again. “I’ve loved her for years but never had the courage to say so.” I then related what had been said and Anna’s reaction.
“What has stopped you from telling her? Most people have assumed you were seeing each other already. You are always with her.”
I sadly shook my head. “With all the changes that I’m probably going to be experiencing Anna’s support and understanding would be invaluable but she is going. I’ve known her for nearly ten years and we have done everything together. She understands me and knows what makes me tick. Why did I never ask her out? If my feelings weren’t reciprocated then I might have lost a valuable friendship.”
My sister looked a bit hurt and I hurried on, “I know you know me well and you always support me but you are my sister and that bit older. You have your own friends and it wouldn’t be right for me to go out with them.”
My sister nodded her understanding. She comforted me for a few more minutes with her words and I left for my own bed. Sleep still didn’t come easy but eventually I drifted off into a troubled sleep.
The next day Mum was concerned if I should go to school. “You don’t look like you have had much sleep. You have black rings under your eyes and look like you haven’t slept well for the last few nights.”
“I’m fine Mum. School keeps my mind on other issues. Last night was about the news of Erika and Anna moving. First Dad and now my best friends are leaving for Milton Keynes. Do you think there’s some strange attraction to the concrete cows?”
Beth stifled a giggle at my cheeky response and Mum just told me to be home on time.
I saw Erika and Anna coming down the road and I slipped out to join them. Erika looked fine but Anna looked just as bad as me. The breeze blew against us all the way to school and that drained what little energy we had.
At lunch I went to the pantomime walkthrough and we managed to complete the whole play. “Friday lunchtime off,” I thought to myself. Unfortunately Mr Abbots had other ideas, “Well done with the read through. We will meet tomorrow in the hall and we shall start acting the lines. Apparently all the costumes are going well so we will soon start limited dress rehearsals so we can get your characters down better.”
During the afternoon I was starting to get weary. Lack of sleep was quickly catching up with me. During religious education my eyes started to droop. I was suddenly jerked awake as an elastic band struck me firmly on my left cheek. I looked to my left just in time to see another one stream across and hit a tired Anna on her cheek. Mandy, a shy girl, appeared to be responsible. She gave a small wink to let me know it wasn’t malicious and carried on as if nothing had happened. After that I managed to stay awake till the end of the school day.
The walk home up Hill Street was torture. My legs just wanted to go to sleep. My brain had already turned off and a headache was slowly growing. If I walked any slower Erika would have had to give me a shove or gravity would have sent me backwards. It was with some relief that I saw my home in the distance and somehow I managed to open the front door.
Mum had just come down the stairs and saw my condition. “Why don’t you have a small rest before dinner?” she said as she steered me in the correct direction.
I stumbled up the stairs and upon entering my room took off my shoes. I lay on top of the bed and entered the dream world.
I awoke refreshed with the sound of my alarm. I was surprised to find myself fully clothed covered with a blanket. Yesterdays events came back to me as I stripped for a shower. I’d missed dinner and slept for about fifteen hours. My goodness I must have been tired but that was now replaced by a panging hunger. When I came out of the shower I smelt bacon. A cooked breakfast on a school day was unheard of. Mum must have anticipated my hunger. What a Mum.
Anna looked a bit better but apparently she was still having disturbed sleep. She wasn’t looking forward to leaving the area she had grownup in. The one bit of good news was that Erika and Anna’s parents had decided to go house hunting together so it looked like they would move to the same area and hence attend the same school.
The rehearsal at lunch was awful. I knew the majority of my words. The part isn’t very word intensive. I just make appearances when something silly is needed to be said and get a good laugh from the audience in a stupid costume. However every few minutes I was getting pulled up.
“Bill you can’t move like that. I know Widow Twanky is supposed to be a man in a dress but not that wooden. You need to move with more grace than you do. You have made no effort to change your voice.”
The bell rang just before another avalanche of criticism came my way. I quickly left and headed towards afternoon registration. As we stood inline waiting to be let in Anna whispered, “Are you okay? You look really down.”
“I’ll tell you both on the way home.” I replied as we were ushered into the room.
I pondered on the situation during the last two lessons and by the time of the leaving bell had the basis of an action plan. During the walk home we crossed onto the left hand path, which was empty, so we could have privacy. I explained what had happened in the rehearsal.
“To sum up I act too much like a man. If I don’t get more feminine movement and attitude into the part I am going to me more of a laughing stock than Widow Twanky normally is. It’s bad enough that I will be wearing a dress but I couldn’t stand the humiliation of jeering.”
“I take it you have a plan?” asked Anna.
“This is the difficult bit. I need both of your help. Are you doing anything on Saturday?”
“Our parents are going to Milton Keynes house hunting. We aren’t going as they think that we might find it boring. We thought about going into Wolverhampton and were planning to ask you along. Helping you sounds like it should be more interesting.”
I looked around to make sure that nobody could overhear me. “If I do something I like to do it properly. I need your help to understand how to act like a girl.”
The girls looked a bit shocked “But I didn’t think you wanted to be a girl?” retorted Erika as she gave a glance to see Anna’s reaction.
“I don’t.” I responded with my head down. “I just hate being jeered at more.” My voice started to break under the emotional strain I was under.
We were walking by a bench, just before the passageway to the new estate, when Erika grabbed me and we all sat down.
“There’s more to the request than just the play, isn’t there?” Erika gently asked.
I sat there; my body slightly bent forward, eyes facing the ground. My silence spoke volumes. I started to shake slightly with worry.
“It’s okay,” said Anna putting and arm round me. “We want to help but we need to know how far to take this.” She paused for a moment while a calmed down a bit. “Is this the medical issue?”
I slowly nodded. “I’m frightened. The probability is that in the future I am going to have to live as a woman. I was planning on asking your advice if that ever happened. However you are leaving so I need to learn now. My education therefore needs to be more comprehensive than the small amount needed for the pantomime.”
Erika grabbed my hand a gently squeezed it. “Anna had already thought you might ask for our help. That girl knows you too well. Come to her house at nine thirty tomorrow and we shall start.”
“Thanks.” I said getting up. We walked the final quarter of a mile silently. There was a peace between us. I was just glad they understood the help I needed and why. They were just pleased that I trusted them enough to ask for help.
More [A Strange Attraction to Concrete Cows]
by Karen Page
Edited by Angel O'Hare
Chapter 3
The next morning I took my daily shaving further than usual. After removing my facial and neck hair I climbed into the shower and carefully shaved my arms, underarms, chest and legs. The worst was clearing the underarms as I couldn't get the angle correct to clear all the hair. I had some hair on my back but couldn't remove that without help. As I was keeping this secret from my sister as well as my mother requesting help was not an option.
After clearing all the hairs out of the shower I wrapped the towel round my waist and made a dash for my room. I didn't make it. Beth on hearing me exit the bathroom was on her way and we crashed into each other. Beth being an observant girl took one look at me and dragged me to her room.
"What is going on?" she demanded.
"Sorry?"
She lifted my left arm and let out a gentle sigh. "So why did you decide to shave all over? Where are you going today?"
"I'm going to Anna's" I responded hoping to evade the first part of her question.
"And the shaving?"
I decided that my sister wasn't going to let me go till I gave a pretty good explanation. "I looked a fool yesterday in rehearsal. I didn't know how to act in a female role. I'm going to Anna's where she and Erika are going to help. When you measured me I mentioned that if I had to act as a woman I wanted to be the best one possible. Well this is just part of that."
Beth looked at me for a moment with a look of disbelief. "Well next time, little brother, wear a dressing gown just on the off-chance Mum is around."
"You're not going to tell her?"
"Not at the moment as it would freak her out. Just think about what you are doing. I know that it isn't just the pantomime. Do you want to be a girl?"
"NO!" I responded very forcefully. "Do you think I would have had the reaction to the prospect of Anna leaving if I did?"
I turned to leave but Beth again took me by hand and led me back to the bathroom. "Let me do your back then you will be complete."
"Thanks." I responded, still shocked that my sister would help in such a way. She covered my back in shaving cream and expertly removed the hair.
"If you need help in the future just ask. Also be careful and think what you are doing."
I nodded and left Beth alone in the bathroom. I was now late so scrambled into some clothes and was about to walk out of the front door when Mum suddenly burst through from the kitchen.
"I'm glad I caught you", she said. "I hear that Anna and Erika's parents are going to Milton Keynes house hunting?"
I acknowledged this with a quick nod.
"I presume you have lunch planned but they must both come to dinner. Beth has already agreed to swap with you and cook today; you can cook tomorrow."
"I'll tell them." I said glancing at my watch. "Damn, I'm late!"
My Mum gave me a disapproving look about my language which I returned with a quick apology. I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and departed. I walked quickly up the road and turned into her driveway just after nine thirty. Anna's parents car had gone so I strode up to the door and was admitted by a waiting Erika. I followed her into the kitchen where Anna was just pulling out a batch of Shrewsbury Biscuits. Five minutes later when they had slightly cooled we sat around the solid pine kitchen table munching the biscuits and discussing the upcoming activities.
"We will divide the activities into three areas," pronounced Anna. "Walking, talking and other skills. Now before we start a word of warning. You sometimes get accused of being a girl, like what happened the other week with the sixth former. When you pick up some of these skills it will happen more often."
"I knew that before I asked but I like to err on the side of caution." I shifted uncomfortably in my chair and stared out of the window at the large oak tree in the distance as I said, "I just hope that one day I will be able find a girl that will accept me for who I am and not how I look."
We all paused for a moment. It upset me to bare my sole like that. The girls didn't know what to say but both leaned across and we all had a gentle hug accompanied by several sniffles.
"For the pantomime you will need to move like a girl and put on a more feminine voice but still have a masculine overtone. We will also work on your full feminine voice," explained Anna. "We will start with walking. First we will try a pair of one inch heels and then later attempt to make you move gracefully. You take a size five shoe don't you?"
"Yes. How did you know?"
"You put your shoes next to me when you were measured. I noticed as we are the same size."
"I still can't get over the fact that the shoe sizes are the same for men and women. In America we have different measurements," pointed out Erika.
We moved out of the kitchen and went up to Anna's room. Even though nobody was expected we didn't want any surprises. I sat on her dressing tables stool, and removed my shoes.
Anna went into her wardrobe and removed a pair of shoes with a one inch heal. "Try these ones as a starter," she said offering me the shoes. I gingerly took them and put them on the floor placing my feet within. There width was a bit snug but the length was perfect.
"Here goes nothing," I quipped as I tried standing. "It's a good thing that these shoes have a relatively chunky heal" I continued as I wobbled trying to gain a new balance.
Erika, standing next to me, said "Well cool! Now try to move towards the door. Don't worry I'm here to catch you if you fall."
Warily I took my first steps. My legs wobbled like a newly born foal as I tried to move forward. After about ten steps I was at the door, which Anna had just opened saying, "Shall we practice along the landing? It's straighter and with no furniture there's less likelihood of you tripping over something."
After four lengths of walking up and down the landing I began to feel a lot more confidant. "I think I'm ready to experiment with a higher version." I moved back to the stool, sat down and removed the one inch heels. Erika and Anna had a quick conference regarding the next heels and a new pair was produced.
"These are two inch heels," stated Anna as she passed them to me. I looked them over and noticed that the heal was also much narrower. I again placed my feet within their tight confines and rose from the stool.
"Go out onto the landing again," said Erika as she hovered at my side. I waddled slowly towards the door. My movements were again disjointed as I readjusted to the new centre of gravity.
After several lengths of the landing I was again starting to gain in confidence. "Well done," cheered Anna. "You can now walk in shoes with a two inch heal. We aren't going to go any higher today because you need to refine your walk. The two inch heal is making you walk differently but the general style is still masculine. You need to learn to glide."
"Glide?"
"Yes glide. There is an old trick to teaching how to glide. You will need to be able to walk while balancing a book on your head."
So for the next two hours I walked and walked and walked. At first the book fell off every few seconds but this gradually diminished as not only did I begin to understand what was required it started to become the norm.
"Well done," exclaimed Anna looking at her shiny silver watch. "It's nearly one so let's have lunch."
Erika took my right arm as we gently manoeuvred down the stairs. My balance nearly gave way towards the end as my tired feet began to complain but I made it to the bottom. Erika released my arm and I glided into the kitchen taking the closest seat at the table.
As Erika had assisted me down the stairs Anna had put together a quick cottage cheese salad. I figured the girls would do a comprehensive job on me but this was a step further than I had expected. However, on reflection, this might help me get into the correct frame of mind so I bit my tongue, gave a weak smile of thanks and tucked in.
Erika looked surprised at me and queried, "Where did you learn to eat like that?"
"Sorry" I said looking ashamed and put down the cutlery.
"Don't be sorry, I'm just surprised. I thought we would have to teach you to eat in a graceful, feminine manner, but you already do."
"Oh," I replied not knowing how to take this. "I'm just eating as I've always done. This is the way I was taught when I was young and never thought anything of it."
"Erika," interjected Anna. "I should have told you earlier but I didn't think. I've always known that Bill eats with refinement; its one of the things I like about him."
For the next few minutes I heard nothing of the conversation. She liked something about me. This was the first glimpse that she had noticed me. She had seen and taken note of how I ate.
Anna asking me, "Are you okay Bill?" interrupted my thoughts. "You have gone very red. Are you too hot or feeling ill?"
"I...I...I'm fine," I stuttered. Erika gave me a small smile as if she knew my thoughts but didn't do anything to help. "Perhaps some water will help." I got up and helped myself. I got myself under control and finished off my salad without further incident.
As we finished washing the pots I remembered my mothers invite. "Mum had heard that your parents were looking for new houses so you both are invited to dinner."
"What time do you have to go back? Isn't today your day to cook?" asked Anna.
"Beth has swapped for today," I replied.
"Erika, you have never eaten at the Tom's, have you?" queried Anna. Erika shook her head. "Well Mrs Toms came top of her class in one of England's finest cooking schools and has taught both Beth and Bill how to cook. There are never any shortcuts or packet sauces, everything is cooked from scratch, and the quality is excellent."
"Wow, sounds great!" exclaimed Erika. Even though she'd just eaten her eyes lit up at the thought.
We moved back to Anna's bedroom where I was going to learn about dressing and acting in ladies garments. Anna went to her wardrobe and pulled out a blouse and a long skirt and hung them on the hook on the back of her bedroom door. Anna pulled open one of her drawers and extracted a salmon pink pair of panties and placed them on the bed with a pair of tights.
"I'll be back in a moment," said Anna as she left the room and momentarily returned with a white lacy bra. "Your chest is slightly larger than ours so we are borrowing one of my Mums. We will leave you to get changed; give us a shout when you're ready."
The two girls left leaving me on my own in a very feminine room. A room that I had long had fantasies about but it didn't include what I was going to do. I disrobed and neatly placed my discarded clothes on the bed. Nervous about being caught naked I reached for the panties and stepped into them. For the first time in three years I was wearing underwear that, apart from an obvious bulge, fitted my contours.
"Ooohh," quietly escaped my lips. A small tingling overcame me as I gently rolled the tights up my short legs. This wasn't a feeling I was expecting. The tights were, there was no other word for it, erotic. I'd never shaved my legs before the feeling of the tights encasing them was something else.
What next...mmmm...well it is either the skirt or the bra. I decided to complete the underwear first so picked up the bra. I put my arms through the straps and checked to see I was putting the contraption together correctly. I had noticed a small bow at the front in the middle between the two cups. The bow was no longer visible so I turned over the bottom and it was there. I had almost put it on inside out. I corrected the orientation and tried to work out how to fasten it.
The fasteners were at the back so I puzzled how to fasten it. I thought about putting it on with the fastener at the front and then twist it round. However I was worried that I might stretch the straps putting the arms in. I also contemplated asking for help but I wanted to learn myself. I pulled the fasteners to the front, positioned my fingers by the clasps and twisting it to the back, managed to fasten it.
"Give us a shout if you need help with the bra," called Erika from elsewhere in the house.
"I've managed," I replied hoping my relief didn't reflect in my voice.
I took the skirt and stepped into it and slipped the top over my head. I looked down and was not happy with the shape of the top. The top was designed for young teenagers with small breasts. I looked at the bed and noticed my socks and they looked ideal to fill out the bra cups. After filling them I brushed my hair into a style like Beth's. Once complete I looked into the full-length mirror and gasped. That couldn't be me. I'm a boy not a girl. I've not even added makeup and I look like a slightly younger version of my sister but with a slightly bigger nose. It only took a few bits of clothes and a brush of the hair? Gosh I am in trouble. I stood staring into the mirror transfixed on the girl reflecting back at me.
I was brought out of the trance by a gentle hand being placed on my shoulder causing me to jump.
"Come and sit down," whispered Erika as she steered me across to the bed.
As I sat down I smoothed the skirt as I'd often seen my mother and sister do. "Where's Anna?"
"She was shocked when she saw how passable you looked and is in the lounge getting herself together. I think she has the same feelings for you that your have for her but she is not ready to admit it to herself. I also think that she feels responsible because you have always been her best friend and she never encouraged you to do anything positively masculine."
"That is total crap," I snapped getting up and out of the door. "Can you give us five minutes? And no I'm not going to declare my feelings for her, I don't think me, you or Anna would be able to handle the fallout from that."
I glided to the stairs and didn't make a bad attempt of descending them. As I entered the lounge I saw Anna with her head buried in a cushion quietly sobbing. As I sat next to her I placed my arm around her, pulled her in and hugged her.
As her sobs diminished I asked, "Tell me what's wrong. It's still me. I only look different. I'm still the person you have known the last ten years."
"You are not the same. You are changing. Your hips have already changed but the rest will follow. You have managed to dress and present yourself in a feminine manner and you don't appear to care. There was no fight from you to wear a bra, panties or skirt; it is like you enjoyed doing it. Those panties were the girliest pair that I own and you didn't even complain."
"No, it isn't something I enjoy but it is something that is probably inevitable. I have learnt that you fight the fights worth fighting. No matter how much I fight this it isn't going to change the fact that I have a defective body that isn't going to develop as I want. I could get all depressed and moody about it but what is the point; it isn't going to change anything and will just upset myself and everyone around me. I'm just making the best out of a bad situation."
"Well you are certainly good looking enough that the boys will be interested so at least you won't have to worry about that."
As Anna uttered those words my face winced in pain. Boys; no they could never fancy me. A picture of being grabbed and kissed by a man filled my imagination. This was too much for me and my stomach gave a warning lurch filling my throat with bile. I grabbed the nearby wastebasket and brought back my lunch. Regurgitated lettuce leaves have the foulest taste in the world; so bitter.
"I'm NOT GAY!" I uttered forcefully with distaste in my voice, carefully emphasizing the last two words. "I fancy girls and not boys!"
A small weak smile broke into her gloom. "Go and grab a lemon juice from the kitchen, it will take away some of the foul taste. I'll clean the bin."
We both came back to the lounge at the same time and just as Erika came down the stairs.
"Bill's done well in what he's been taught. He's mastered low heels well and when dressed looks better than me," teased Erika. "You okay now Anna?"
"Yes. I understand that he needs our guidance before our parents move us to Milton Keynes. I was worried it was something I'd done that made it so easy for him but thinking about it he has been living without another male role model for a year so it isn't surprising.
"Do you think you could handle learning how to talk like a girl?"
"In the words of Magnus Magnusson, I've started so I'll finish," quoted Bill. "Let's do it."
"Magnus who?" asked Erika.
"Magnusson. He was host of a famous UK quiz called mastermind. I'll explain later. Now Bill, stop trying to confuse Erika and let's got on with it."
She produced a book and got me to read from it. As I read they both got me to change things like volume and intonation. This went on for about an hour and at the end my throat was sore. I was glad of the drinks that we all had.
"Shouldn't we be going down to Bill's?" asked Erika.
We all trouped to the door when Anna suddenly shouted, "STOP!" and continued more quietly, "I think that Bill better change or your Mum might have a bit of a shock."
I couldn't believe that I had become so comfortable in a skirt that I had totally forgotten what I was wearing. I took off the shoes and scampered upstairs and changed into my original clothes, carefully hanging up the skirt and top. As I removed that bra I noticed the red lines where it had dug into my skin. When I removed the panties I put on my ill fitting underwear. I wish I could find male underwear that fitted better.
"Thank you for your help today," I said as we walked down the road. "I am much more confident about the pantomime and much less apprehensive about what my future holds. Sorry about you missing on going shopping in Wolverhampton."
"We're glad to help," said Anna. "We are just upset that we will not be here when you need us the most. Don't be sorry about Wolverhampton as we can all go next week. We've all got lots of Christmas shopping to do!"
Beth's cooking was, as usual, outstanding. Anna had sampled all our cooking but this was Erika's first meal at our house and she gushed, "I've not had a chilli like this since Texas. My Mom used to make it like this but we can't get some of the ingredients. When we've eaten chilli else where it always tasted different."
"Ingredients can always be found, you just have to know where," replied Mum. "Also chilli is cooked differently in the UK than in Texas. I presume your parents are going to be away for many weekends sorting out the move so I propose that you and Anna eat here if they are away."
"I knew you were from Texas," said Beth to Erika. "So I decided to cook a traditional Texas chilli as a welcome for you first meal with us."
"Ah thanks Beth, this was awesome"
I looked over at Anna and we both smiled at each other. You can take the girl out of America but there was no taking America out of the girl.
The meal continued in a relaxed manner and we had a fabulous game of Monopoly and although Erika was used to different names on the squares managed to trounce us all. At just past nine we got word that both parents were back and our visitors left.
As we had all been to the door to say goodbye and Mum had gone straight into the kitchen asking, "Beth, can you please lock up."
I had noticed that Beth had been itching to find out my days activities so I decided to give her a small demonstration. As she turned having finished locking the door I changed my walk into a feminine glide with a slight swing of my growing hips. Beth obviously noticed as I heard her sharp intake of breath. I corrected my gait as I entered the kitchen to grab a glass of milk. As Mum was getting herself a coffee Beth couldn't say anything.
***
The next day, after we got back from our weekly visit to St Mark's church, it was time for my cooking lesson to start. Mum didn't feel that cooking was just following instructions and throwing ingredients together. First was a geography lesson of what the area was like, the people, culture, climate etc. When I understood the area it was time to understand the food; what was grown, where and when.
"You've done well and know the area and what is grown," complimented Mum. "Next week we will go through the spices, understanding the flavour, where they are used and if they mix with other spices. If you learn that quickly we might be able to start to cook your first Indian dish."
Later in the afternoon Mum went to the pub with Erika and Anna's mothers to catch up with there impending move. Beth was visiting friends so I was alone and decided to read through my lines again. I went to the lounge and put on Rachmaninov's second piano concerto and sprawled out on the settee. As I read my mind started to wander onto yesterdays events; what would it mean for the pantomime and my probable future?
I got up and practiced the part as if I was a woman. Something wasn't right but I didn't know what. I tried two more times and each time the same feeling. I pondered the situation for a moment and went to get the camcorder. I set it up in the corner and recorded my act. When I played it back I saw the problem. I was going through the motions of a woman but the perception that was being portrayed didn't match the movements. I was still acting as a man but with female actions. The mindset was wrong. I thought like a man which is perfect for the part of a Dame but would not make me very passable on the street.
I again reflected back on my training with Anna and Erika and found that everything was superficial. Mum knew how to teach so how would she have done it? Looking back to this morning she doesn't let you cook unless you understand the basics and why you are doing it. Yesterday I was taught the how but not the why. Could it be taught? Probably not, it is a mindset. It's something girls learn due to interaction with other girls and what they read in the magazines.
"Yes!" I exclaimed out loud as I pulled out Beth's copy of CosmoGirl from the magazine rack. I didn't want my sister, and especially not my mother, catching me doing this so I took it up to my room. I soon became engrossed and before I realised Mum was calling us both for dinner.
"Oh no," I thought to myself. "How am I going to get the magazine back without being found out?"
I contemplated the problem as I walked into the dining room. Mum was dishing up in the kitchen and it was just Beth who gave me a strange look and said, "Bill stop it."
"What?" I replied coming out of my thought induced trance.
"You're gliding again. I know yesterday was just to let me know what was happening but that time you were unconsciously doing it."
"Thanks," I said with a slight quiver in my voice. "I won't let it happen again. I hate to think of the impact if this happened in school."
"You'd be dead inside the hour," she agreed. "Did you borrow something of mine from the lounge?"
Caught. "Yes...Sorry about that. I was so engrossed I didn't hear you or Mum come back and I was worrying how I could replace it without being seen."
"I tell you what. While Mum is sorting out later I'll collect it from your room so she won't know."
"Thanks," I replied as I felt a big weight being lifted from my mind.
Mum had decided to make Aloo Gobi as a taster of my Indian cooking lessons. I sure missed the meat. As Mum had cooked she went to relax in the lounge while Beth and I cleared the table and washed everything up.
"What times your rehearsal tomorrow?" Beth asked as she dried a plate.
"About twenty past twelve. Why?"
"I've your costume ready and wanted to hand it to Mr Abbots."
"Shouldn't I try it on to make sure?"
"I wanted it to be a surprise but you are probably right. After we have finished here lets go upstairs and see how it goes."
The washing up was soon finished and we called to Mum that we were going upstairs to prepare for school tomorrow. We both went into Beth's room and she got out a dress that was covered hiding the design from prying eyes.
"Strip to your underwear. Now you won't have to shave your body as you already did it yesterday!"
I stripped. I wasn't embarrassed as I'd often gone swimming with my sister so was used to her seeing me with not wearing much.
"You're going to have to wear a bra as the dress requires quite a bit of padding."
I took the bra and noticed it was a DD cup. "Why so large?"
"Well the part requires that you look a bit ridiculous. You need to look like a ‘man in a dress'. I've toned down most other things so you don't look to bad."
A shrugged and took the bra. With a quick flourish I fastened it like yesterday. Obviously my practice had paid off. I turned to see my sister look at me with piecing eyes.
"What's next?" I asked trying to divert her attention.
"Tights," she numbly replied as if on autopilot. "No wait. What else did you learn yesterday?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well you put that bra on far too easily for a man. You have done this before. So you either like dressing in girls clothes, which I don't think you do after your reactions the last few days, or it is something you have been practicing since yesterday."
"Like I told you yesterday; I went to Anna's to practice for the pantomime."
"And like I told YOU yesterday I think this is more than just the pantomime. I'm not going to press this but when you want to talk about it come and see me. I'm not going to hit the roof."
She handed me the tights, which again I put on with more ease than would be expected. Beth noticed and just shook her head. She removed the dress from the cover and exposed it. It was a sky blue dress with little white sheets hung on a washing line across the front.
I couldn't believe the brashness of the dress. However I stepped into it and Beth pulled up the zip. The dress was slightly padded making me look a little rounder.
"Now for the finishing parts," said Beth as she pulled out more bags.
From the first bag she produced a pair of shoes with two inch heels. Then from the second bag out came a brash red bouffant styled wig. I picked up the wig and looked at the throwback to the 1950's in stunned silence. Beth took it from me and placed it carefully on the bed.
"The wig is for later but for now sit on my dressing stool," requested Beth as she steered my body in the required direction. My mind was still not engaging. I was positioned on the stool but facing away from the mirror.
"Hold still and this shouldn't take long," ordered Beth as she produced pots and brushes. She then started on my face waving the brushes like a conductor directing an orchestra. This went on for about thirty minutes when she gave a satisfied grin.
"Let's add the wig and see if this works. I've never done makeup in this style so..."
Beth took the wig and positioned it on my head. She then brushed it till it looked correct and stood back to take in the whole picture. Obviously satisfied she opened her wardrobe door to reveal a full-length mirror.
"Take a look," she said taking me by the arm.
I moved to the mirror and stared at the reflection. The makeup was thickly applied in a fashion from about forty years ago and matched perfectly the style of the wig. All in all I looked like I was fifty.
"I look like a slightly thinner Les Dawson when he was dolled up as the old gossiping woman."
"Do you think you will be okay with this for the pantomime?" queried Beth.
I thought for a moment of the voice training and adjusted my speech to that required for the pantomime. "I think so", I replied in male voice but with distinct female overtones.
Beth stared for a second and then burst into laughter. "The voice just sets it off. I think you will do very well." Then in a conspiratorial voice said, "Let's show Mum!"
I sniggered as I nodded, slipped into the shoes and sashayed towards the stairs.
"Bill, you had better not walk like that in front of Mum or she might hit the roof."
I gingerly walked down the stairs. I was okay on flat surfaces but stairs were still tricky. I paused outside the lounge door, all my confidence sapped from me. I looked at my sister who looked supportive, took a deep breath and entered.
Mum was sat on one of the single seat settees reading the Sunday paper. She had a Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata playing in the background. The lights were dimmed low and a reading light was providing the illumination for her reading.
"What do you think Mum?" asked Beth as I walked in a rather clumsy way into the room.
Mum lowered the paper and peered over the top. Seeing something that required her undivided attention she carefully folded the paper and placed it on the chair arm. Beth, who was standing by the dimmer switch, turned up the brightness so Mum could have a good look at me dressed as Widow Twanky.
She walked around me examining the needlework. "Very good work Beth," she said. "The dress is perfect for the part of the Dame, but what sets it off is the padding, makeup and wig. This should certainly be marked well in the coursework. When will Mrs Harries see it?"
"The dress rehearsal is a week tomorrow so it will be marked then."
Mum went back to her chair and spoke to me for the first time. "Bill, you'd better change before the dress gets dirty."
I left the room feeling very dejected. Mum had treated me like a glorified dressmaker's dummy. She had looked at the dress and the outfit. There had been no verbal comment, good or bad, about how I looked or presented myself. However the look of aversion on her face when she examined me and not the outfit stuck like a stake into my heart.
By the time I made it upstairs my eyes were beginning to glisten with moisture. I managed to remove the dress, hung it up on placed the protective cover over it. I removed the other items such as the bra, tights etc and donned my original clothes. I grabbed her pack of facial wipes and went back to my room to be alone.
I wept as I removed the makeup. I trusted my mother and took pleasure when she was pleased with me. However her rejection at this time hurt. It wasn't my fault that I had the part of Widow Twanky and had to wear a dress. Why was Mum so un-understanding about it?
I cried for another few minutes and eventually managed to pull myself together. I went to Beth's room to return her wipes hoping that she wouldn't have returned. Unfortunately I heard her moving around so I knocked and asked, "Are you decent?" After getting a yes I entered. "I'm just returning your facial wipes."
Beth took them and placed them back on her dressing table. She took one look at my tear-stained face and patted her bed indicating that I should sit and talk about it.
"I thought that you did very well," started Beth. "You moved and talked well and should make a good Dame."
"Thanks," I replied tears again staring to trickle down my face. This was the type of comment I'd been hoping Mum would have made. The fact that the praise came from my sister and not my mother was even more hurtful. It just reminded me how let down I felt.
Beth hugged me till I regained control of my emotions. I asked her, "Why is Mum so upset about seeing me in a dress? She knows it isn't a voluntary thing."
"I'm not sure. Mum normally is very understanding and open minded. This is so unlike her. Maybe it reminds her of your medical problem and she hopes that it doesn't progress. Seeing you in a dress is like her seeing her worst case scenario."
"Well it is something she had better get used to. If what she said about my medical condition is correct then it is highly probable that some of my other receptors are going to fail. I recon before I'm eighteen I will be living as a woman. Not through want or desire but because I have a crap body. I'm the one who is going to have to live with the situation; not her."
"No Bill, we do everything together," reassured Beth as she gave me a gentle hug. "We're a family and we stick together. If you need to live as a woman we will all support you and make sure that nobody hurts you."
I went back to my room and got ready for bed. As I snuggled down I thought about today's events and tried to come to some conclusion about the way Mum had treated me. I thought I'd done pretty well but I knew I'd get a better indication during tomorrow's rehearsal.
More [A Strange Attraction to Concrete Cows]
by Karen Page
Edited by Angel O'Hare
Chapter 4
Monday lunch soon came and another rehearsal. This time however I was better prepared and it obviously showed in my performance. I used what I had learnt on Saturday but didn't give it the full monty.
"Well done Bill," said Mr Abbots. "This was a much better performance."
"Thanks."
"It looks like your sister enjoyed it as well."
I turned to see her get up come towards me as Mr Abbots turned and walked to talk to one of the other cast.
"I was just here to hand your costume to Mr Abbots but you had already started so I stayed to watch," explained Beth. She then whispered, "You obviously had a good crash course of girl 101 on Saturday. Have you been practicing since?"
"Yes, a little on Saturday night and also a bit yesterday."
"Well don't overdo it," warned Beth as the bell rang signalling the end of lunch. Beth scampered to her registration, which was at the other end of the school. As mine was only round the corner I sauntered and was still one of the first to arrive.
Later after the afternoon lessons were finished I walked home, as usual, with Anna and Erika. "How did the rehearsal go?" asked Erika as we puffed up the hill.
"A lot better. This is all down to your help on Saturday. I'll probably not be so much of a laughing stock when we perform. Well, no more ridicule than a Dame normally gets.
"How did your parent's house hunting go?"
"Well our parents managed to find a house virtually next to each other in the Old Farm Park area. This is next to the Browns Wood area where your Dad lives."
"What are the houses like?"
"Well they are four bedrooms with a huge glass stairwell. Other people have huge plants growing in it. I suppose with the huge glass panes it will act like a greenhouse. Dad was saying that one house even has a palm tree growing in theirs."
"What happens next?"
"Well as it is such a short time we aren't going to be able to sell our house and move in time so the company is buying our houses so we can move between Christmas and New Year. Our parents are going down to Milton Keynes next Saturday to choose curtains. They are also going to go Christmas shopping as Milton Keynes shopping centre is much bigger than the one in Wolverhampton."
"So it is definitely happening?" I asked with sadness in my voice.
"I'm afraid so," replied Anna her voice breaking. Tears were evident in her eyes. I glanced over towards Erika and she also looked upset. As I was standing between them I put my arms around them both and brought them together in a group hug.
"It will all be okay," I said trying to reassure them. "I just know we will all get together again."
As we all managed to compose ourselves I waved goodbye and walked down the driveway to my house while the other two girls carried on up the road.
***
The week went on and towards the end the classes were starting to wind down in preparation for the Christmas holidays. Next week would be the last week of practices before the show on the Friday and Saturday evenings.
On the Friday as we where about to part ways I suddenly remembered, "What time are we meeting to go Christmas shopping tomorrow?"
Erika and Anna shared a quick look. Anna replied "Can you be at our house for half eight?"
"Half eight?!"
"Yes, there are a few things we need to do before we catch the bus."
"I'll be there," I said with a little reticence.
That night I went to bed early and set the alarm for half six. Why so early? What had Anna and Erika concocted for tomorrow? I loved Anna and would do almost anything for her. I also knew that neither of the girls would do anything to hurt me so I had little trouble sleeping.
I was awoken to a strange beeping noise. Oh yes, the alarm. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and headed to the shower. I noticed that some of the hair on my arms and legs were growing back so I tackled them. I again did under the arms and found it slightly easier than last week. I re-donned my pyjamas; not wanting Mum discovering me like Beth did last week.
I dressed in my jeans, long sleeved polo shirt and trainers. I laid out my thick woollen jumper to wear when I leave as the temperature was only forecast to be eight degrees Celsius.
Mum and Beth weren't up as for breakfast I decided on two Weetabix. This would keep me going till lunch. This brought back memories of the telephone call I had with Dad on Wednesday. He had been to see a computer company in Kettering and had passed the Weetabix factory in Burton Latimer. On the way back he called in and managed to get a guided tour. My thoughts then turned a bit melancholic as I remembered some of the good times I'd had with Dad. I really missed him and had not seen him for over a year. I wonder why we aren't allowed to visit. Will he come at Christmas? Probably not. Was it my fault? Did he leave as he couldn't cope with seeing his only son turn female?
Mum came down the stairs and looked surprised to see that I was up and had already eaten breakfast. She then saw the sad look on my face. "What's wrong," she asked in a kind voice.
"I was just thinking about a few things. I'm okay." I got up to get myself ready but obviously my Mum was not finished. Beth just came into the room and was surprised to see I'd already finished breakfast.
"Sit down," she commanded. Both Beth and I sat and she continued with, "What's the problem. Is it school? The pantomime? The girls leaving?" I had shaken my head on all of these items.
"I was thinking about Dad." Mums face clouded over. Beth looked at the table embarrassed that I'd brought up the only taboo subject. "Why did he leave?"
"I don't think we should be discussing this," she snapped. "Your father and I promised each other that we would not discuss the reasons with either of you until you were both older."
The tears then started trickling down my cheeks. "Is it my fault? My illness?"
My Mum then looked surprised and a bit hurt. "No, it is not your fault or Beth's. It isn't even my fault or your fathers. I still love your father very much and I know he still loves me. There are circumstances that I didn't understand last year that I now understand a bit better. We decided it was best for both you and Beth if we split up till either the circumstances changed or you were old enough to understand."
"So why do you punish us by banning visits to Dad? He is as important to us as you are."
Mum was quiet for a few moments. "You may think of it as a punishment but it isn't. Both Andrew and I are trying to protect both of you. Bill gets a lot of stick from people at school and we didn't want it to get any worse. Now for a revelation that I am ashamed of; it was also easier for me to deal with the circumstances without Andrew around. However I have worked through most of the issues I had and I would want to be back with him in a shot but that would cause you both a lot of pain."
"Sorry I can't say more but as I said earlier, it is an agreement that Andrew and I have reached and it is for your own good," concluded Mum. "Next time we speak with your Dad I'll get him to talk to you both about it as well. Does that answer any of your concerns?"
"I just have one question," said Beth. "Will we ever see our Dad again?"
Obviously this was too much for Mum as tears started streaming down her face. "We are trying to protect you both and none of you will see your Dad until we can reveal why he has gone away. The latest will be when you have left school. However if circumstances change it might be earlier."
Beth and I moved our chairs so we were both sides of Mum and snuggled up to her. Neither of us had realised how difficult Dad not being here was on her. For them to make the sacrifice of not seeing each other when there was so much love must mean they were serious about protecting us. It didn't sound much like he was having an affair any more but what was going on?
Mum regained her composure and I rushed to quickly get ready. I managed to reach Anna's on time.
As I came up the drive Anna opened the door and pulled me in and said, "Erika isn't here yet but you can get started. Go to my room and look on the bed you'll understand."
Why was everyone talking in cryptic messages today? First Mum with her spiel about Dad and now Anna. However this message was a lot easier to decrypt. Lying on the bed was a long denim skirt, pink long sleeved top, tights and panties. On the floor was a pair of casual looking shoes with one inch heels. There was a note next to the panties saying "Give me a shout when you're dressed."
"Anna," I called down the stairs. "There isn't a bra here."
"Missing wearing one already," she teased. The more seriously she said, "It's deliberate. Don't worry about it, just get dressed."
Oh boy. Well I suppose this would be good practice. If I can pass in the shops then I knew I would be able to survive when my dodgy hormone receptors failed. With a small bit of regret I striped hanging my carefully chosen clothes on the supplied hangers and my underwear into a bag. It didn't take me long to slip into the clothes and brush out my hair. I still hadn't heard the front door but I thought I heard the phone at one stage.
I opened the bedroom door and called "Anna. I'm ready."
Anna bounded up the stairs and into her bedroom, "Lets have a look at you." She gave me an appraising look from head to toe. "I like what you've done with your hair."
"Thanks. Do I pass?" I had again adopted the female voice that I'd learnt last week.
"Oh yeah, you look and sound very much like a girl, and you don't need makeup to enhance your face. I doubt even your own sister would recognise you."
"I'd rather not take that chance. So is Erika coming?"
"Yes. She should be here in a few minutes. Here Jill, you will need these," she said passing me a denim jacket and a thick winter coat.
"Not Jill again? The time in music was enough."
"I'm afraid so. I can't go round calling you Bill when you look like that. People might think it suspicious."
I nodded and we went downstairs. We saw Erika walking towards the house so we left with Anna securing the house behind us. "If we rush we should make the number 870 bus from outside the school," panted Erika.
We were lucky and the bus was running late. Two giggling girls accompanied by a rather shy and subdued girl boarded the bus. By the time we got to Wolverhampton some thirty five minutes later it was three giggling girls who stepped off.
"First thinks first," said Anna taking charge. "We need to sort some makeup out for you. We have avoided it because your skin is a slightly different tone to ours. Let's go to Boots where they will be able to do a colour match."
I shrugged, "Thirteen year old girls wear some makeup so I need to know and practice. Just make sure that I get something to remove it otherwise Mum will go ape! Actually before we go to Boots I need to withdraw some money."
Well I managed to withdraw the money without incident and we walked to the middle of the Mander Centre and entered Boots. One thing that is common in all Boots stores is they all have cosmetic counters by the entrance. So there was no avoiding it.
"There's about half a dozen different brands. Which one is best?" I asked my comrades.
"I use Clinique and Anna uses Estée Lauder. It's up to you."
I decided on the Estée Lauder as the Clinique counter looked busy.
"Hi, my Mum has just given me permission to start wearing makeup," I explained, in my best female voice, to the counter lady. Her white coat gave her a very clinical look. "I will need a colour match for foundation etcetera."
The lady smiled saying, "Hop up onto the stool and lets see what we can do. I'm Stacy."
"I'm, er, Jill," I said as I struggled to climb onto the stool. Eventually I was seated.
Stacy moved a round magnifying mirror so I would be able to look in detail at what she did. She then began to examine my face.
"Your skin is so smooth. It doesn't appear that you've ever suffered from acne as you don't appear to have any blemishes. Most girls of your age don't wear foundation and blusher. Let's start with a bit of colour on your lips and something to accentuate your eyes."
I noticed in the mirror that my face reddened slightly at her compliment. I was blushing. The compliment made me feel proud but I felt so humiliated that I blushed.
Fifteen minutes later I left carrying a bag of purchased supplies, including facial wipes. My face now sported a smidgen of makeup making me look like a very sophisticated thirteen year old.
"Lets try on a few things," encouraged Erika as she dragged me into ETAM. That girl is insatiable. Both Anna and Erika were soon hunting through racks of clothes.
"What do you think?" asked Anna holding a top against herself.
"Looks good," responded Erika, "but you don't have matching slacks or skirt do you?"
"No..."
"How about this?" I suggested holding up a skirt. I had decided that standing around like a prune would look odd. Anyway they appeared to be making shopping seem fun and why shouldn't I have fun as well.
"Just the thing," responded Anna. "You've certainly got a good eye."
We carried on browsing and I pulled out a casual dress with a denim jacket. "What do you think?"
"Ooh yes," both girls responded.
"Let's try them on," encouraged Erika.
We trouped into the changing room and we were soon exhibiting our new outfits to each other in the changing room corridor.
"Are you planning to take me on any more trips like this?" I asked.
"Its good practice," replied Anna. "When you asked how far this should go you said to cover everything. Shopping is just one of the things you need to get used to."
"I'll get this outfit then." I responded.
"Well it certainly looks good on you," said a familiar voice from behind. "Do you have enough money or do you need my help?"
I saw Erika and Anna had turned pale and I almost collapsed when I turned round and saw Beth standing there. There was nowhere to go so I rushed back into the cubicle to get away from her. While hiding I changed back. I sat on the little chair, slightly shaking, trying to think on how to get out of this mess.
After a few minutes I had calmed down so I exited and saw Beth still waiting. "Anna and Erika are waiting outside. Are you going to get these?"
If Anna was going to take me on more trips like she promised then it wouldn't be fair to always borrow from her. However I couldn't bring myself to purchase them with my sister there. There is a difference between knowing and suspecting. Beth might suspect I have some female clothes but her knowing for definite was something I wanted to avoid.
"I'm not sure," I said to the on duty attendant and handed them to her. She hung them on a rail to be put back on the shop floor later.
"Come on little sis, I think you ought to get them. They fitted well and you looked good in them." she cajoled.
I looked straight into her eyes. What was going on? There didn't appear to be any malice but being encouraged by my sister to buy a dress was freaky.
"I'm not going to tell Mum," she continued. "Look, let me get them for you."
The attendant passed the top and skirt to my sister and we walked to the till.
"Beth, this is something I need to do. I'm paying." She nodded and I found myself twenty pounds poorer.
As we walked to the entrance I asked, "I thought you were going to Sarah's?"
"I was but she wasn't feeling very well so I decided to do some Christmas shopping. I saw Anna and Erika as I was passing but didn't see Bill. Instead I saw this young girl and after last weekends events I suspected."
"Are you going to tell Mum?" I mumbled.
"No. I've a few things to get before I need to go home to start the evening meals so let's have a chat about it tonight. Don't worry as I'm not angry or anything. Enjoy yourself and have some fun! Don't forget the girls are invited to eat with us tonight."
As we exited the store she wave bye and left me with Anna and Erika who drowned me in questions. "Are you okay? What did she say? Is she going to tell anyone? Did you get the outfit?"
"Whoa, slow down. It's approaching lunchtime so let's go get something to eat and I'll fill you in but yes I did buy the outfit."
"Way to go Jill," crowed Erika. "Your first girls outfit."
We walked out into Victoria Street and we went into the local Pizza Hut. After the customary wait we settled down to munch on a Meaty Edge pizza.
Both girls looked at me expectantly so, "I presumed you want to know what happened between me and Beth?" As they both nodded I explained ending with, "I don't know what she thinks. She promised not to tell Mum but who knows."
"Send me a text message tonight to let me know," asked Anna.
"No need," I responded. "Remember that last week you were invited to eat with us for when your parents weren't around. Beth reminded me earlier that you are both expected to be eating with us again tonight."
"Okay, next it is underwear," said Anna as she guided us to the required shop. "You need to get yourself some bras and panties."
I gulped. Yes I'd already got a dress and jacket but buying my own bras. It felt like I was tempting fate. "Do I really need to?"
Both girls nodded and Anna dragged me into the shop. We took the escalator to the first floor and soon found myself staring at racks of bras. Each block had signs that appeared to identify the type of bra; minimizer, enhancer, sports, multiway, underwired, non-wired.
"How do I choose a bra?" I asked my mind still trying to comprehend the choice.
"Well, you don't have anything to fill one," said Erika explaining the obvious. Anna just glared at her and steered me towards the teenage section. The range was smaller and I soon saw Anna had taken me to the bras that were labelled ‘Starter Bra'.
A sales lady walked up and asked, "Hi girls, can I help?"
Erika steered me to the front. "Hi, Jill is a late bloomer and was wondering if you had anything to help."
"Of course," she replied. "Let's go to a changing room and I'll measure you."
Anna looked at me and must have seen the petrified look on my face. "Could you also measure me?" Anna asked sweetly, "I think I've had a growth spurt."
"Can you do me too?" asked Erika rather lamely as she finally understood what was happening.
The sales lady just gave a small laugh. "Come on then, lets get you all measured."
We all followed the lady into a large changing room. "Okay girls, off with your tops and bras so I can measure you properly."
Anna and Erika looked at each other wondering what to do. Obviously they didn't want to strip off in front of me.
"It's a bit cold in here," I said removing my top. "Why don't you two keep your tops on to keep warm while the lady measures me first?"
The sales lady took one look at my flat chest and said, "It doesn't look like you need a bra yet." However not wanting to loose a sale she continued, "However I bet you feel a bit underdressed when you see your friends wearing them?"
I just nodded.
"Don't worry they will come eventually. Let me measure you and I'll see what I can find to help."
A tape measure suddenly appeared and my chest size measured. The sales lady disappeared to find an appropriate bra.
"Thanks," said Anna and Erika in unison both looking embarrassed.
I just gave a small smile as it would have been fun to see Anna topless. Obviously my parents gave me too many manners.
"Let's see how this fits," said the sales lady as she walked in with a bra. I slipped the bra up my arms and she fastened it at the back. The bra had a pattern of little shapes and was slightly padded.
"Would you like to keep it on?" asked the sales lady.
"Er, well..." I stuttered.
"Keep it on Jill, it's all good practice," pressured Anna.
The sales lady thought that Anna meant practice for my eventual breast growth. However I knew exactly what Anna meant.
"Yeah, I'll keep it on," I confirmed to the sales lady. "Why don't I pay for it while you measure these two?"
I put on my top and went to pay for the bra I was wearing. As I waited for Anna and Erika I started to wonder if one bra was enough. I wouldn't be wearing it that often but it might be good to have a spare.
A few minutes later Anna appeared and then Erika. Neither of the girls required new bras.
"You might want to get a spare," said Anna as the sales lady disappeared looking for a new victim. I just smiled and showed her the spare I was carrying.
"Panties next," said Erika grabbing my arm.
"I won't have to be measured, will I?"
Anna stopped, took one look at my face and burst into fits of giggles. "No, we know your size as you fit into my panties perfectly."
As I looked at the panties there was quite a choice. However most of the different ranges were for adults. For children my age and size the range was rather more limited. After looking I decided on a pack of five varied pastel coloured panties. There was a slight lacy effect around the top.
For the next two hours we cruised around the Mander Centre and other shops around Wolverhampton. We boarded the bus laden with bags full of presents and enough gift-wrapping paper to sink a battleship. When we alighted near the school we saw the steep hill ahead. Why did we buy so much at once! After changing clothes at Anna's we marched down to my house for tea with me feeling very worried about if Beth had told Mum.
The two girls went in the lounge where my Mum was sitting while I deposited the purchases in my room. I had left the top and skirt at Anna's but hid the new underwear at the back of my draw.
When we all sat down to Duck l'Orange I saw Beth for the first time since she caught me buying girls clothes. I glanced at her with fear in my eyes and she gave me a reassuring smile.
"I hear that Bill and the girls also went to the Mander Centre. Did you see them?" Mum asked Beth.
Oh God. Why does Mum always have to ask such awkward questions? "No," replied Beth. "I saw Anna and Erika and one of their girl friends but didn't see Bill."
I definitely felt better at this stage. Erika and Anna also looked relieved, which I hoped Mum didn't see. Duck was just a pain to eat, too much bone with very little meat.
Desert was Baked Alaska, which was a first for Erika. As she bit into it she was surprised to find cold ice-cream within. "Cool! How'd you do this?" she asked Beth.
"What do you mean?"
"Well I saw you just remove this from the oven so I know you didn't add the ice-cream after."
"Oh that. Trade secret."
I grinned at Beth's teasing. "The meringue acts as a temporary insulator," I explained. "You just have to make sure that it fully covers everything or the ice-cream melts."
"How do you know this?" asked Erika.
"Bill made it November last year," replied Mum. "Putting the meringue on can be quite fiddly and it is something you don't forget. Also meringue is Bills favourite."
The girls left at about nine, after calls confirming that their parents were back. Beth and I went upstairs to have our discussion. I followed her into her room and sat on the floor with my back to her bed.
"Thanks for not telling Mum," I started. "Why?"
"I'm not a snitch," she responded. "Mum would probably be very upset if I told her and that would not be fair on either of you. Why were you dressed as a girl?"
"Practice for the pantomime."
"That's only part of the reason. You purchased an outfit for you to wear on other occasions. You have the pantomime on Friday night and Saturday afternoon. You won't have chance to go out dressed before then. So why are you dressing as a girl?"
I was trapped. Beth wasn't stupid and had summarised the situation to me so I knew that she knew I was lying. I also think that she knew, that I knew, that she knew I was lying. So there definitely wasn't any escape. The only way out was the truth.
"I'm changing. My hips are the most noticeable but there are other items such as my face. I started puberty five years ago and I would have expected to have to shave by now. Eventually my body will be too feminine to live as a boy and I'll have to live as a girl. I asked Anna and Erika for help to learn what I need to know before they leave."
Beth thought about what I was telling her, "I think there is more to it than just that. I think it might have started out like that but I think you are beginning to find the clothes more enjoyable than you thought."
"The clothes are really unimportant. They just fitted my body correctly, apart from the lack of breasts. However I seemed to fit in with Anna and Erika a lot better. Even though I've always been close with Anna it seemed to bring us even closer. However, I've no idea why or if it was just a coincidence. I think it will be something I will keep an eye on when we next go out."
I said goodnight to Beth and headed towards my bedroom while Beth headed towards the bathroom. Mum came steaming up the stairs looking very much the worse for wear. It looked like she had been crying. She physically grabbed us both, "I've just had a phone call about your father. He's not well and requires a bit of looking after. You are both too young to stay on your own so I've arranged for Beth to stay with Sarah and Bill to stay with the Scott's."
"How long are you going to be away?"
"It depends on how quickly he recovers. From the scant details I have I think I'll be back during Tuesday. It‘s late so quickly pack an overnight bag and collect the rest tomorrow. Both families are expecting you in thirty minutes. Once your gone I will lockup and drive to Milton Keynes."
Shocked at the sudden revelation I made my way to my room and packed a few items. As I packed my mind was a whirl of activity. What was wrong with Dad? Mum seemed very upset about Dad's condition but didn't elaborate on the issue. I wonder if this is down to the reason he has left. I better not ask Mum what was wrong with Dad just in case. I don't want to cause her to get upset like last time.
I left five minutes after Beth giving a big hug to Mum as I departed towards Anna's. On one hand this was quite exciting; sleeping in the neighbouring room to the girl you loved. However my enthusiasm was diminished by thoughts about my Dad. Something minor wouldn't have my Mum rushing at little notice to the aid of somebody she was split from.
{continued}
by Karen Page
Edited by Angel O'Hare
Chapter 5
As I walked up the drive to the Scott's house, Mrs Scott opened the door and gave me a warm, welcoming hug. "Come on in. Anna is just finishing making sure your room is clear."
"Thank you Mrs Scott. I'm sorry for intruding at this late hour."
"Poppycock, we've known you for about ten years and if we couldn't help then who would you turn to? Go on up with your case, you've been here often enough to know where to go."
Mrs Scott moved back inside the house and let me in. I wearily climbed the stairs and entered the guest room. Inside I stood in shock. The clutter and mess that normally populated this room was gone. In its place was a clean, uncluttered room and standing in the middle was a very proud looking Anna.
"What do you think?" she asked flourishing her arms.
"Unbelievable," I responded. "If the room was anything like it used to be, then it's a miracle."
I placed the case in the corner and Anna proceeded to help me put clothes in the drawers and wardrobe. We chatted away as we emptied the case. The majority was just extra school uniforms. Anna looked at me strangely as I hung up a smart looking pair of trousers and shirt.
"These are just in case I go to church tomorrow. I know you don't go but it is only a twenty minute walk. I'd like to pray for my Dads speedy recovery."
When everything was unpacked we trouped our way down stairs where Mrs Scott was waiting in the lounge. "Here is a key to the front door," she stated passing me a key. "You know the rules of this house so I don't need to reiterate them. However since we are in charge of you please let us know if you're going somewhere and a rough time you're due back. That way we won't worry."
I just nodded my head. "I was planning to go to church tomorrow, like normal. Is that okay?"
"Of course it is. You go to St Mark's don't you? Do you want George to run you down?"
"No it is only a twenty minute walk. I should be back by half eleven, as long as the vicar doesn't get carried away with his sermon."
I saw that Anna was getting tired and feeling a bit weary myself I said, "I hope you don't find me rude but all this moving has worn me out. Do you mind if I trot of to bed?"
"I think I'll turn in as well," stated Anna rising from the settee. The two of us went up the stairs. As we got to Anna's door she paused and I stopped. She looked like she was contemplating saying something. However she just shook her head and said, "Goodnight. I'll come down to church with you. It starts at half nine, doesn't it?"
"Yes," I replied and watched as her bedroom door closed.
I continued to my temporary sleeping place. This room was larger that Anna's and had a double bed where hers only had a single. It also had an attached room with a toilet and shower which Anna's didn't. "I wonder why Anna doesn't have this room," I thought to myself as I slipped into my pyjamas. It took a while to get to sleep as my thoughts alternated between by Dad and my impending pantomime performance. However thoughts of Anna kept intruding my sleep, especially when the sound of her snoring filtered into the room.
***
It wasn't long before the alarm signalled that it was time to get up. I staggered out of bed my eyes gradually adjusting to the harsh electric light. Oh how I missed the dimmer in my bedroom.
"Good morning," said Anna as we both simultaneously exited our bedrooms. She was dressed smartly in a knee length skirt, plain blouse and a matching jacket; it was the type of clothes that my sister wore to church. After a rather quick breakfast we were on the way to church, leaving Anna's parents still asleep in their bed.
We got to church fifteen minutes before the service started. Regulars were surprised to see me with Anna and not my Mum or Beth. As we took our places on the traditional wooden pews Beth arrived and joined us.
"No Sarah?" I whispered to Beth after she'd finished saying her prayer.
"She's a catholic," responded Beth in an equally hushed voice. "It wouldn't have been fair to drag her to a Church of England service."
The sermon didn't last more than twenty minutes and after just an hour the service was over. Instead of going straight home we went to the church hall to have a coffee and biscuit. As we chatted the vicar came up to us. "Hi," he started, "Is your Mum not well?"
We were regular church attendees and for Mum not to be there was very unusual. "Dad isn't very well," stated Beth. "Mum went to Milton Keynes to look after him."
"Where are you staying? Can I offer any assistance?"
"I'm staying with one of my friends from school," explained Beth. "Bill is staying with Anna."
"Is this Anna? I don't think I've seen you in church before."
"I'm not a regular attendee," Anna confessed. "I thought it would be good to keep Bill company. My parents are moving to Milton Keynes over Christmas time so I doubt I'll become a regular."
The vicar moved away into the centre of the room and said in a loud voice, "Can I have everyone's attention." As the room became quiet he continued in a slightly quieter voice, "It has just come to my attention that Andrew Toms is very ill. Carol is tending his needs. Let us pray."
There was now complete silence and everyone bowed their heads.
The vicar then prayed, "Lord Jesus. During your time on Earth you performed many acts of healing. You helped the lame walk; brought peace to troubled minds and cured people suffering disease. Today there are many people that require your help; please bring healing to all those that are sick in body, mind and spirit. We especially pray for one of your flock, Andrew Toms. Watch over him and help guide the people who endeavour to heal him; especially his loving wife Carol. Bring comfort to his friends and relations in this difficult time, especially his two children Beth and Bill and the kind people looking after them. Amen."
After that short intercession we were inundated by regulars giving best wishes to my parents and hoping for a speedy recovery for my Dad. There were also offers of hospitality for me and Beth while my Mum was away.
Due to the unexpected attention we didn't set off till late. We said goodbye to Beth and Anna and I started the trek home. We got back at about twelve, just in time for Sunday lunch.
Erika had gone with her parents Christmas shopping so I hung around with Anna most of the day. This was just like old times before we became a trio. When Anna's parents went out during the afternoon Anna had me practice for the pantomime. Jill was back in all but dress; I couldn't risk being seen by Mr and Mrs Scott.
***
"How are you?" asked Erika as we all walked down to school. "I can't believe that somebody would beat up your Dad like that."
"WHAT!" Anna and I both simultaneously screamed with all three of us coming to a sudden halt.
"My Mum wouldn't tell me what was wrong with him; she just said he was not well and needed looking after," I explained.
"My parents said the same," injected Anna.
"Well my parents didn't tell me either. I just eavesdropped at the door when my Dad was talking to Anna's Dad. It seems it was somebody from the office that did it."
"I suppose that explains why our parents didn't want us to know," I surmised.
"But why would somebody want to beat up your Dad?" asked Anna. "He is such a gentle person."
We continued to school pondering on the motive of the culprit. As we entered the school grounds I saw Beth and we updated her on what Erika had overheard. As usual Beth was very level headed about it.
"Look Bill, "started Beth, "there is nothing we can do about it now. Mum said that she should be back tomorrow so it can't be that bad."
"I suppose so," I conceded rather doubtfully.
"Why don't you meet me at our house after school? We can ring Mum at Dad's house."
It was hard to concentrate on lessons due to my worries regarding Mum. It brought back many questions regarding Dad. Why did my parents split up? Why are they still apart when Mum says they have worked out their differences? Why aren't we allowed to visit? Why was he beaten up?
"Bill, please concentrate on the lesson!" was a standard phrase that morning and I was quite relieved when the bell rang signalling lunch. That is until I remembered that it was the dress rehearsal for the pantomime.
This week the cast of the play had been given permission to miss the afternoon lessons. The two classrooms next to the hall had been converted to changing rooms. However it was expected that I would require assistance in putting on my outfit so I was given my own changing room.
After I'd eaten I went to Mr Abbots to pickup my outfit. Beth had agreed to help me dress. She had retrieved a bag of accessories, such as bra, panties and makeup from her locker. Inside my changing room, which was Mr Small's office, I asked Beth, "Can you turn round while I change underwear."
Beth gave a slight chuckle as she obliged. As her gaze was diverted I removed my male underwear and donned the panties quickly followed by the bra. As I started to remove the dress from it protective bag Beth turned round and said, "I still can't get over how quickly you put on a bra. I know you have been practicing but I think you can do it quicker than me. Don't put on the dress yet, I want to do your makeup first."
"It's easier for me as I don't have any breasts and yes I have been practicing."
Beth deftly applied my makeup which added thirty years onto my life. I was soon wearing my regalia and after Beth had given me the once over I walked majestically onto the stage. The other cast members were already waiting. This was the first time that they had seen me in costume and they gaped at the brashness.
"Let's start the rehearsal instead of all staring at our Widow Twanky. I think we agree that Beth did a good job designing the costume. So let's have a run through and see if Bill gives it justice."
As I concentrated on my lines and not acting too feminine I didn't have time to worry about my Dad or ponder my Mum's motives. Beth, being my assistant, had also been excused from her classes and was seated where the audience would sit. Half way through the rehearsal Mrs Harries walked in with an official, but quirky, looking woman. Mr Abbots went across and talked to them for a moment before calling me across.
"Bill," said Mrs Harries, "this is Mrs Dougal. She is from the exam board to verify Beth's work. Normally the photograph with the written work and our marking is acceptable but since this is the first time we have run the course the exam board are checking that we are doing things correctly."
Mrs Dougal was smartly dressed in a modern pants suit which looked quite fashionable but it didn't match the rest of her looks. Her glasses were throwbacks from the nineteen twenties as was her hairstyle.
"May I examine how the dress fits you?" I was asked.
I attempted to shrug my shoulders with indifference but the layers of the dress hid the movement. "Go ahead," I responded after realising she was still awaiting my permission.
As I was being checked over I noticed that Beth had risen and was about to come across. Mrs Harries also noticed and shook her head. Beth must have got the message as she sat down but continued to watch the proceedings. When Mrs Dougal had finished she removed a folder from her briefcase and jotted a few remarks down.
"Thank you for your help," she said to me as she replaced the folder back into her briefcase. Then with a flourish she was gone.
After that brief interruption the rehearsal continued. Every so often Mr Abbots would stop and correct something but the items were just minor. At the end he said, "Well done everyone. That was very well done. Same time, same place tomorrow."
Wow, unbelievable, we had finished twenty minutes before the end of school. My first thoughts were that I would be able to get home early and find out about Dad. My thoughts were soon dashed when I relayed by thoughts to Beth.
"I doubt we will get home early as getting you changed is going to take twenty minutes minimum. The makeup removal is going to take at least five minutes."
As Beth and I walked towards the door Mr Abbots suddenly came up to me and said, "Bill, you did very well but be careful not to overact. Sometimes you looked just a bit too much like a girl playing the part."
"I'll try harder," I reassured him. "Trying to act like a girl is just so hard."
"Well this is why we have rehearsals," explained Mr Abbots. "Go and get changed and I'll see you tomorrow lunch."
When we got into Mr Small's office Beth just burst out laughing. "You need to be more careful," she said, "otherwise people are going to cotton on."
I was ready to leave just as the bell rang. Beth went to find her friends and I found Anna and Erika.
"How did it go?" asked Anna as we sauntered up Hill Street.
"Not too bad. A few mistakes but we should be ready by Friday. I really miss being able to practice the oboe. I've got my grade seven oboe exam next week, do you think your parents would mind if I practiced?"
"Only grade seven?" queried Erika. "You play really well. I thought you'd be at least grade ten standard."
I inwardly sighed, yet another difference. "Music exams are separate from school years. Grade one is the easiest. Grade eight is the hardest. If I get my grade eight then I will be exempt from one of the A Level music exams."
Erika just nodded her understanding. Something else appeared to be on her mind.
"I don't think so but you'll have to ask," responded Anna. "Mum will be back at about six. Dad doesn't normally materialise till about seven but he said he would make an extra effort this evening."
"Are you okay Erika?" asked Anna, "You seem to have been very quiet."
"I'm fine. I was just thinking abut our German homework. "Bill and I have to each recite a poem in German, rather like you were chosen to do one in French last month. I know I have had a week but I still haven't got anything."
"That's tomorrow?" I questioned. I'd forgotten all about it.
"'I'm afraid so."
Now I was quietly pondering wondering if Mum had any books of German poetry. Then suddenly it came to me. "Berg"
The other two just stopped and looked at me. Oh yes, now if I can only find the words. "Don't worry, just had a flash of inspiration."
Erika just shook her head in wonder.
"Anna, I missed cooking yesterday. Would your Mum be offended if I cooked the main course as my way of saying thank you for looking after me?"
Anna smiled and Erika just looked jealous. "I think Mum finds cooking a bit of a bore so I think she would be grateful. However I don't think she has many basic ingredients, we mostly have sauces from a jar."
"Don't worry; I'll bring what's needed."
I said a quick farewell as I walked down the path to my house to make the phone call to my parents. Beth wasn't home so I went into the lounge to lookup the book of composers. After going through various pages I found just what I wanted, ‘Seven Early Songs.'
Beth arrived just as I finished copying the German text. "Hi," she said. "Are you ready to ring?"
"This is going to be awkward. What do we say?"
"I've been thinking about this today. I'll ring and do most of the talking."
We both sat at the bottom of the stairs with Beth to my left. She always put the phone to her right ear so I should be able to hear what was said.
Beth rang the number and it was soon answered, "Hi Mum."
"Hi Beth," and then with concern in her voice, "Is everything okay with you and Bill?"
"Yes, why?"
"It's before six. You know it's a lot cheaper to ring after six."
"Yes but we were worried. We heard a rumour at school that Dad had been beaten up. Is it true?"
This question was only met with silence.
Beth tried again, "Mum, was Dad beaten up?"
A quiet, "Yes" was the only response.
I felt numb knowing the truth. Surprisingly, however, I didn't feel like crying. I'd been through most of the emotions earlier. Beth however didn't take it as well and I took the telephone. I used my left ear so Beth could still hear what was being said. I held the telephone with my left hand and reached across placing my right on her leg for comfort.
"Hi Mum. How bad was it?"
"It could have been a lot worse. Fortunately a group of people saw the incident and thankfully intervened. There was very little facially damage. Most of the bruising is on his chest. He also required about half a dozen stitches for a knife wound."
Beth started crying harder and I tried to nuzzle against her. I was too shocked to cry. "What the hell is Dad involved with?"
Mum must have missed the profanity as she said in between muffled weeps, "Nothing. He was just being himself." There was a trace of anger in her voice that I had never heard before. I'm glad I wasn't the person who had attacked Dad.
The conversation lasted only another few minutes as we were all too upset. Mum said that Dad was getting better and should be okay on his own by lunchtime tomorrow. I disconnected the call and my own bravado failed. Beth and I held each other for about ten minutes until our tears dried up.
Beth went upstairs to clean herself up and I went into the kitchen. I got the ingredients that I required for the main course. I still felt upset about my Dad and wanted to get my mind off the situation. Worrying would not solve anything. I grabbed another bag and started adding more ingredients and utensils.
When Beth appeared she was surprised to see me raiding the kitchen. "What are you doing?" she asked
"I asked Anna if her parents wouldn't mind me cooking the main course as a thank you for having me. However I need to take my mind off the situation with Dad so I have decided to cook desert as well."
"I wish I had thought of that but Sarah's Mum doesn't work so I think she would be offended if I offered to cook."
Beth locked up the house and she turned left heading towards Sarah's house. I turned right and staggered up the road towards the Scott's. When I got there Anna let me in and helped me take the bags into the kitchen. Erika was there which surprised me as her Mum normally complained if she wasn't home straight away.
I was dragged by the two girls to the settee and was seated between them. "What did your Mum say?" eventually asked Anna.
"That Dad was beaten up," I answered quietly. "Erika was right."
Erika was stunned but she had never met my Dad. However Anna, who had known him for ten years burst into tears. Anna and I just embraced each other in sympathy while Erika averted her eyes wondering if she had done the right thing by telling us about my Dad.
I glanced across at Erika who was being very silent. She looked a bit guilty. I took her hands into mine and said, "Thanks for telling me about my Dad being beaten up. Not knowing what was going on was a lot worse."
"Are you sure?" she asked timidly.
"Yes!" I responded emphatically giving her a reassuring hug.
When Erika had left Anna helped to unload the ingredients and utensils that I had brought. Anna had thought that I was only making the main course asked, "Isn't that an awful lot?"
"I want to take my mind off the situation with Dad and I find cooking a good technique. I find that chopping and whipping are excelling methods of tension reduction. I was going to make a dessert as well."
"Can I help?" asked Anna. "I require a distraction as well."
I nodded in surprise. Anna had never shown any inclination in cooking. "Why don't you grab a chopping knife and start on slicing the mushrooms. I'll start making the pastry for the dessert."
When Mrs Scott walked in I had finished making the basis for the lemon meringue pie; all that was left was the meringue. Anna who was not used to cooking worked slower than me but had prepared the main course. Anna was going to make the Beef Stroganoff. It was quite a simple dish to make but appeared to be quite complex. As long as she didn't curdle the cream she should be okay.
We had washed up as we prepared but there were dishes of carefully measured ingredients cluttering the sides. Mrs Scott took one look in the kitchen and said, "I wish we got treated like this every night. George just rang on his mobile; he has left work earlier than normal and should be home shortly. I'll set the table."
As I would need to do the meringue just before we ate the main course I helped Anna with the main course. She was busy frying the mushroom and onion so I tackled creaming the potatoes and cooking the vegetables.
Anna continued to cook to perfection when she was about to add the sour cream. "STOP!" I shouted stopping her just before she poured it in. "Turn down the heat first and let the pan cool or you'll curdle the cream. Wait about thirty seconds before adding the cream."
Anna did as she was instructed as I got out my whisk and gradually made the meringue. Doing it by hand took a lot more time than using an electric whisk but you got a much better finish.
I put the pie into the oven just as Anna finished putting the meal on the plates and together we carried them into the dining room. Mrs Scott had laid out the table and Mr Scott was pouring out four glasses of wine.
"I think this meal deserves wine and since you have both have been grownup enough to cook this meal then I think you are grownup enough to have half a glass each."
The main course and dessert both were well received by Mr and Mrs Scott. They lavished praise on Anna, who had never shown any desire to cook before. Then they were equally generous praising the desert. I was treated as part of the family. As the meal finished I became quite melancholic. Anna might not have any brothers or sisters but at least she has a Dad. Oh how I miss my Dad.
As Mrs Scott gathered up used crockery she said, "Thank you both for cooking such a lovely meal. Now go and finish off your homework while I clear up."
"Er…Mrs Scott, I have my grade seven oboe exam next week. Would you mind if I practice. I'll try to be as quiet as possible."
She looked at me and gave a hearty laugh, "I've no problem with you practicing and don't try to keep it quiet. I have always enjoyed your playing and at grade seven I doubt you sound much like a strangled duck."
I rushed upstairs to the guestroom and got setup. I rummaged through my bag and removed the lightweight music stand. I moistened the reed in my mouth as I put the oboe together. I sucked out the excess saliva and inserted the reed into the top of the oboe. After playing a few scales and arpeggios to warm up I started on the first of the three pieces I would have to play. The sound of Handles third oboe concerto soared through the air. I felt quite tense at first knowing that the Scott's would be able to hear everything I played. However after a few minutes I lost myself to the music and became oblivious to anything else.
I lost total track of time. I would practice areas and repeat them over until I was satisfied. At the end I would play the piece in full with all the correct emotions. If I thought I'd played it correctly I would move onto the next piece. At the end my lips were beginning to tire and I felt my embouchure wasn't correct resulting in a rather poor quality sound.
As I put the instrument away I glanced at my watch. I'd been playing for nearly two hours. No wonder my lips ached. Having your lips curled under teeth for that long was not recommended. The roof of my mouth was dry and I felt thirsty so when everything was packed away I went downstairs to get a glass of water. As I got to the bottom of the stairs Anna came out of the kitchen with a large glass of water.
"Here you are," she said offering me the glass.
"Thanks," I said gratefully. "It's just what I need."
As we walked toward the lounge she asked, "What was the last piece you played? I know the other three are for your exams but the last one was much simpler. It was so haunting that it sent shivers up my spine."
"It was the theme music to the 1983 version of Jane Eyre," I answered without thinking. Then, as we sat ourselves on the settee, the full implication of her question filtered into my brain. "You listened to me practice?"
"How could anybody not listen to your playing," she replied.
I just sat there stunned and after a few minutes contemplation decided it would be best to leave that conversation alone. We spent the rest of the evening together watching television. Eventually my mind started to wander and I thought about tomorrow. I thought about the German lesson and what I had prepared. I knew what the poem meant and I just hoped that Anna wouldn't.
***
As my Mum was going to be back today I was moving back home. Before breakfast I packed the few personal items I'd brought from home.
When I came down for breakfast Anna said, "I've packed the cooking utensils and ingredients that you brought last night. Since we pass your house on the way to school I'll help you carry them home."
Not only did Anna help me carry the bags home she helped me quickly put the items away. The kitchen would be tidy for Mums return.
The morning passed slowly while I pondered on my Dad and worried about the poem. The last lesson before lunch was German. Soon I was asked to stand at the front of the class and perform my homework.
"This is a poem by Otto Erich Hartleben who lived between 1864 and 1905."
I then looked straight into Anna's eyes as I said with as much passion as I could muster:
Im Arm der Liebe schliefen wir selig ein,
Am offnen Fenster lauschte der Sommerwind,
Und unsrer Atemzá¼ge Frieden trug er
hinaus in die helle Mondnacht.
Und aus dem Garten tastete zagend sich
ein Rosenduft an unserer Liebe Bett
Und gab uns wundervolle Trá¤ume,
Trá¤ume des Rausches, so reich an Sehnsucht.
Mrs Jansen had been watching me the whole time and obviously understood what I was doing. As I sat down she gave me a knowing smile and continued with the lesson.
"Bill, a word please," uttered Mrs Jansen as everyone trouped out for lunch. Erika and Anna waited by the door. "This is private so can you please close the door," she said to the two girls.
Once the door was closed she continued, "Are you aware of what you said? I mean do you know the English translation?"
"Yes," I said confidently holding my head high.
"Do you think Anna was aware of what you said?"
"I hope not."
"No, but you put so much feeling into it she might have had a big clue. Half the class probably thought you had proposed. Your pronunciation was awful but it was more than compensated by the passion."
"Am I in trouble?"
"No," she said in a reassuring voice. "I just wanted to be sure you were aware of what you'd done. Also I wanted to thank you."
"Thank me?"
"Yes, this has made my day. Heck it probably has made my year. It is little things like this that make teaching special."
As I walked away from the classroom I decided to skip lunch as I needed time to get ready for the rehearsal. No I was just lying to myself; I skipped lunch to avoid getting grilled by Anna about the German poem. I went to the theatre to await Beth. Ten minutes later Beth arrived and I went to get changed.
As soon as the door to Mr Smalls office was closed she said, "I hear you had quite an interesting German lesson."
"WHAT?!. That lesson only finished twenty minutes ago so the rumour mill is being very quick today. What've you heard?"
"I've heard at least two different rumours," she responded as she applied my makeup. "The first is that you proposed to Anan and the other that you declared your love for her from the front of the class."
I felt my face heat up and I knew it was glowing bright red. "I only did my German homework."
"Yeah, right!" she said sarcastically. "What did you say?"
I told Beth and gave her a rough translation; she just laughed. Then I told her what Mrs Jansen had said afterwards she just laughed even harder.
After another successful rehearsal we walked home together. Our pace quickened when we saw Mums car. I was determined to find out what was going on with Dad. When we opened the front door the smell of good cooking filtered through the air and my resolve waned; perhaps I will interrogate Mum after eating.
More [A Strange Attraction to Concrete Cows]
by Karen Page
Edited by Angel O'Hare
Chapter 6
As we started the meal Mum pre-empted any discussion, "I presume you both have questions? Let's eat first and then we can have a discussion after we've tidied up."
We both agreed and the meal was eaten in relative silence. Mum had cooked so Beth and I cleared the table and washed up. When we entered the lounge Mum had closed the curtains and had the coal effect gas fire burning. Karl Jenkins' Adiemus was quietly playing in the background. As usual she was sat in the single seat so she could watch Beth and my reactions. Beth and I dutifully sat either side of the three-seat settee.
Mum took a sip of her black decaffeinated coffee and looked across at us. "Sarah's and Anna's mothers rang this afternoon to make sure I'd got home okay. They both gave glowing reports on your behaviour. I even heard that you both attended church on Sunday. I'm proud of how you both behaved in this emergency."
Beth and I looked proudly at each other. No matter how old I got I always got a happy feeling when Mum was proud of me.
"How's Dad?" asked Beth before I'd got chance to open my mouth.
"Your father is getting better. He is more mobile than he was, though he probably will be off work for a week."
"But why?" I asked
"Why is anyone attacked without provocation?" responded Mum. "The police have arrested the attacker and because the knife pierced the skin they have charged him with grievous bodily harm. Yesterday there was a court hearing and the man has been remanded in custody."
"Why didn't you bring Dad back with you?" asked Beth. "We could have helped look after him."
"I tried but he was adamant about not breaking the decision about you not seeing him until you've left school."
"Or the circumstances change," interjected Beth
"I don't think they will," responded Mum, "and I think that is for the best."
It soon became apparent that Mum wasn't going to reveal anything more about Dad. No matter how much Beth and I pushed, Mum held her ground.
Mum brought our probing to an end with, "Don't you both have homework?"
As Christmas approached the amount of homework from school diminished. However practice for my impending music exam and pantomime performance kept me from getting bored. On top of that I was a member of the counties concert wind band and there was a concert just preceding Christmas. I just hoped that passing my oboe exam would help get me into the county youth orchestra.
***
The next day I saw Anna and Erika approaching on the way to school. As usual I left the house so they didn't need to knock. After exchanging pleasantries I expected Anna to interrogate me about the poem. However Anna, as she had a habit of doing, surprised me.
"How's your Dad?" she asked.
I was just about to defend myself about the poem when I realised what she'd asked. "Well, er, he's, er, on the mend. There is quite a bit of bruising on his chest which will take quite a while to fade. He required several stitches for a knife wound. At least he isn't bedridden anymore and can actually cook for himself."
"Why didn't your Mom bring him back?" asked Erika.
"She tried," I responded. "For some reason he refused. Apparently it's the same reason that Beth and I aren't allowed to see him; what ever that is. Have either of you two heard anything else?"
"Not a sausage," responded Anna.
Erika however was silent. Anna and I glanced across and saw the look on her face.
"Erika, what did you hear?" I prodded.
Reluctantly she said, "It's just something I overhead, I'm not sure if I heard it properly so I didn't want to say."
"It's okay Erika," said Anna slipping her arm around her friend. "We know that you don't gossip. We won't tell anybody that it was you that told us."
Erika thought for a moment obviously trying to resolve the conflict between gossiping and helping her friend. She sighed and reluctantly said, "Marcus, the person who beat up your Dad, has decided to plead not guilty. Apparently he feels that he was justified and wants this to go to a jury trial."
"First my Dad has a big fight with Mum and he transfers to Milton Keynes. Neither Mum nor Dad will explain why Dad has moved. Then Dad is beaten up and it appears to be over why he moved. I wish somebody would explain what my Dad is doing. I used to think he was having an affair but my Mum is still so much in love and he claims he still loves Mum. I just wish I knew what was going on."
"I wish we knew what was happening with your Dad but I haven't heard anything," responded Erika linking her arm with mine.
"Me neither. What ever it is, it isn't being discussed," said Anna linking arms with me on the other side.
Erika didn't really know my Dad but Anna did. So whatever my Dad was doing was being kept very quiet. The trouble with Dad probably kept Anna from questioning me about the German lesson.
The week progressed and the rehearsals got better. The art department had done a good job with the scenery which had now been completed. I'd practiced putting my own makeup on and was gradually getting better. So Beth only had to give advice on applying makeup and not having to apply it herself.
Mum had purchased tickets for the Friday night performance. Beth who would be helping me get ready (yeah right) had complementary tickets to one of the nights. She'd managed to arrange to sit next to Mum on the Friday performance. On the Saturday she'd been volunteered to help with the refreshments.
Soon it was late Friday afternoon, Beth and I was sitting at the bottom of the stairs waiting for Mum to finish getting ready. To save time and embarrassment I was already wearing a pair of panties. The bra was encasing my chest but without the cups being filled. I'd checked several times in the mirror to ensure that the outline of the bra and panties weren't visible under my jeans and thick winter jumper.
Since I was going to be in the play I had to be there early. I'd tried to persuade Mum to walk down later but she decided it would be nice to all go as a family. Erika and her parents were also going to go to tonight's performance. Anna and her parents were going tomorrow. I wonder if Dad will be attending a performance. I thought it would be best not to ask. Since visiting Dad, Mum appeared to be a lot better when Dad was mentioned. I decided I wouldn't mention it as there was no use tempting fate.
Mum came down the stairs already wearing her thick winter coat and said, "Shall we go?"
Beth and I stood and donned our coats and walked into the cold winter evening. There was a sharp biting northerly wind which drove the cold into my recently shaved legs. We waited as Mum locked the front door. The old saying "When the north wind doth blow, we shall have snow" came to mind. I looked up into the sky and there was no sign of the stars. It certainly felt cold enough for snow. I was glad when we were walking as it helped to keep warm.
We chatted quietly during the walk but as we approached the school Mum must have decided that she'd missed out on something.
"I was just thinking about the time that you came down to show the pantomime dress. I hope this doesn't offend you but I thought that you did very well."
"Thanks," was all I could reply. I was unsure what had got into Mum as she'd shown no previous inclination to say anything on the subject. I glanced at Beth for some sort of clue but she just gave a shrug.
"Would you like some extra help in getting ready?" Mum asked.
"I think I should be okay with just Beth's help. The room is very small," I replied trying to put Mum off without offending her. I didn't want her to see that I'd shaved my arms, legs and armpits.
Mum looked very disappointed, as she answered, "Oh, okay."
The back path into school, past the bike sheds, was unlit so we did the unusual thing and used the main entrance. There were already a few small groups of parents in the festively dressed entrance hall, some of which I recognised as parents of people taking part. Beth and I left Mum to browse samples of work from the art department while we went to get me ready.
As I was already wearing panties there was no need for Beth to avert her eyes. I carefully applied the makeup with Beth giving advice. I was gradually improving my makeup skill but I still found it slow going. Once I was ready Beth left to join Mum in the audience. I went to join the others in the main music classroom. Since my costume was the most complex I was the last of the cast to arrive.
"Ah, here he is," informed Mr Abbots.
I grinned sheepishly as I looked around. All the cast were there and the Home Economics teacher, Mrs Harries. She was there just in case something happened to one of the costumes that required a quick repair
"I always knew you were a sissy," said a voice whispering in my ear. I turned round to see Tom.
"Whose name did you actually pull out?" I asked in the same hushed tone.
"Yeah you were right. I didn't pull out your name. Actually I pulled out my own," he gloated, his voice starting to rise from a whisper. "I knew how much of a sissy you are so thought you should have the chance to show us all."
"So it was true," said a voice from behind Tom. Tom who had been preoccupied in teasing me hadn't heard his mother quietly walk across to find out what the whispering was about.
"Quiet everyone," ordered Mrs Harries to the cast. "Tom has a confession to make."
Tom looked like he was about to object.
"NOW!" thundered Mrs Harries, her blazing eyes full of passion.
"I...I...I didn't," he paused and looked at his mother.
"Carry on," she insisted.
"I didn't pull out Bill's name to play Widow Twanky," he mumbled his head lowered.
"Whose name did you pull out?" asked Mr Abbots walking towards the boy. The muttering in the room ceased as everyone waited to see what was going to happen next.
"My own," came the pitiful response.
The mutterings in the room started again as everybody wondered what was going to happen.
"Wait for me outside," instructed Mr Abbots rather harshly to Tom.
He then turned to me and quietly asked, "It appears that you shouldn't have played Widow Twanky. Since it is too late for Tom to learn the part will you continue?"
Wow, the teacher didn't have to do that, he could have just continued as it was. A room of earnest faces looked at me. If I said no then the pantomime would be cancelled. I didn't want to have wasted all that practice time so I knew I would do it. However I paused for a few seconds, revelling in the power. The room was still and appeared that everyone was holding their breaths.
"All right," I said trying to sound reluctant. "I'll do it."
They all relaxed and the general chatter of the room restarted. Mr Abbots left the room leaving us under the careful eye of Mrs Harries. A few moments later he was back, "Okay everyone, quiet please. People in the first seen please make your way quietly on stage. The headmaster will give, what I hope, is a five minute introduction and then it's up to you. You looked good in the rehearsals so go break a leg."
The audience appeared to love the pantomime and as in all pantomimes took an active part with shouts of "He's behind you" and the banter "Oh no I'm not / Oh yes you are". At the end there was a rapturous applause and the audience kept applauding that we had to make five curtain calls!
A few minutes after it had finished Beth came to help me get changed. With the wig, dress, bra and makeup removed I got dressed. Again I still had the panties on which did feel rather comfortable.
I took the dress to Mrs Harries for safe storage for tomorrow afternoons performance. "I'm so sorry for what Tom did," she apologised to me. "He will be punished."
"Well Tom has caused me a lot of grief because of this," I spat, my eyes sparkled with fury. "I've also missed a lot of lunchtime practice for my oboe exam. All your punishment will do is attempt to make Tom behave better. It won't give me the life I've lost or makeup for the teasing I've suffered."
Beth just stood there watching. She looked shocked that I would talk to a teacher like that. Mrs Harries also looked surprised at my venom.
"Come on Bill," said Beth taking me by my arm. "Let's go and find Mum."
As we walked toward the main entrance, which was the agreed meeting place, Beth asked, "What was all that about?"
"Are we still meeting up with Erika?" I asked. Beth just nodded. "Well let me tell you both at the same time."
Just inside the main entrance stood my mother and Erika with her parents. I knew Erika's Mum a little but Erika's father was always working and I'd only seen him abut three times.
"Hi," I said as I approached them.
"Oh that was so awesome," squealed Erika flinging her arms around and giving me a hug. I returned the hug and unconsciously squealed along. However, when I saw the look on my Mums face I forced myself to stop.
"Just like Julia," muttered Mrs Moore.
"Mom, who's Julia?" Erika asked her Mum.
"Oh, just a friend of ours," interrupted Mr Moore. "Wasn't the pantomime wonderful? I thought it would be just like a play but all the silly jokes was just somethin' else. And who would have thought that the English would create something so fun; I mean the banter between the cast and the audience was so...unexpected."
As we walked out of the entrance hall we were greeted by the cold wind biting into our faces. The parents went ahead while the two girls and I hung back so we could talk without them hearing.
"Dish the dirt," said Beth. "What was going on between you and Mrs Harries?"
"Tom decided to gloat about how I wasn't really the name he pulled out. Apparently he pulled out his own. He hadn't seen that his Mum was just behind him when he told me and she made him tell the whole class."
"Wow," said Erika. "How's he going to get punished?"
"I've no idea but I doubt much will happen. Tom's Dad will probably say that his son did the right thing by refusing to be the Dame. With school finishing on Tuesday, I doubt he will get punished much at school either."
As we approached home the first few flakes of snow started to fall. With the strong wind they felt more like ice so we quickly said goodbye to Erika. With the pantomime on Saturday and cooking on Sunday I doubted I'd see her before Monday.
The next day I awoke to a deep covering of snow. The oak tree at the bottom of the garden occasionally dropped a large chunk of snow as the wind rose and the branches started to sway. I sighed knowing what was to be done. Having dressed warmly I headed down stairs trailing just behind Beth, who was similarly attired.
"Good morning," greeting Mum as we walked into the kitchen. She looked at us both and continued, "You're dressed just right. After breakfast can you both clear the drive?"
The next two hours were spent clearing drive of snow. The sound of the spade scraping across the tarmac set my teeth on edge. When Mum said clear the drive we knew that she didn't mean just the drive but also the pavement in front of the house. When we were finished there was a nice pile of snow on the front lawn.
After lunch Beth and I walked down to the school. The cold had set the snow making any ground not cleared all crunchy.
"Are you ready for your oboe exam tomorrow?" she asked after a few moments silence.
"As ready as I'll ever be. At least it's at ten so the traffic shouldn't be too bad."
"How far is the testing centre?"
"Normally about a twenty minute drive," I responded trying to think back to my previous exam. "I suppose it depends how bad the snow forecast for tonight is."
We continued into the school and went to get changed. Beth again gave advice as I applied my makeup but she didn't need to give the same level of advice. She walked with me to await the start of the pantomime. She wouldn't be needed till the interval where she was to help with the drinks.
During the interval I sat munching a nice slice of Stollen when Anna appeared.
"Hi Anna," I said, "I thought you would be with your parents?"
"The queue was awful so I thought I would see how you were doing. By the way the pantomime so far is excellent. However, you're coming across a bit feminine so you might want to tone it down a bit."
"Thanks," I replied. "Mr Abbots mentioned that a few times during rehearsal. Did you see Beth?"
"Yeah, she looked like she was rushed off her feet. Have you finished your Christmas shopping?"
"Mostly. I've one or two items left to get. You?"
"The same. I've been doing so much packing that I've not had a chance."
"Why don't we go on Wednesday?" I asked
"Yeah, that would be nice. Though Erika won't be able to go as she has finished her shopping and very behind with packing," responded Anna. Then after a pause added quietly, "Who's going Bill or Jill?"
I looked around to see who was in earshot. Nobody was. "Who do you want to go?"
Anna was taken aback by me putting the ball back in her court. She had been hoping I'd have made the choice. "Would you be happy if Jill came?"
"Do you prefer Jill?" I quietly asked. A slight tremble was evident in my voice.
"No," she quickly reassured. "I like Bill and Jill equally, they're both you. However I might need to get some girly things and I though you might be more comfortable like that. Mum and Dad will both be at work so you can get changed at my house."
I nodded as the bell gave a single ring. The pantomime would recommence in five minutes so Anna disappeared to rejoin her parents. The rest of the pantomime finished without any real issues. However I was very conscious about not appearing too feminine. When the play finished the clapping was louder and longer than the previous night. The crowd didn't quieten till we'd done six curtain calls!
I walked home with Beth and Anna. Mr and Mrs Scott were slightly ahead. I chatted away with Anna but Beth appeared deep in thought.
I whispered to Anna, "Do you know what's wrong with Beth?"
"No idea."
"Beth, what's up?" I asked.
"Nothing really. I saw a woman during the interval that looked familiar but I can't place her. I overheard her talking to Mr Scott regarding work and he called her Julia. I don't know any Julia's but she looked awfully familiar."
"Didn't Mrs Moore last night mention a Julia?" I mentioned.
"I've never heard Dad mention a Julia," said Anna, "but that doesn't mean anything. He never discusses work at home as most of the things he deals with are either confidential or personal."
"Oh well, must just be my imagination," said Beth.
We said goodbye to Anna. We didn't expect to see her till Monday.
At the end of, what was for us, a rather late meal Beth's thoughtful face suddenly brightened. Since I'd helped Beth cook it was Mum's turn to wash up.
"Mum," asked Beth, "where are the photo albums with older pictures of the family?"
"In the bottom left cupboard of the display unit," replied Mum. "Which side of the family?"
"Dad's."
"Then that is the mottled blue album. Why do you want to look at it?"
"I just wanted to see a young picture of Granny Toms."
Mum just shrugged in wonder as she started to run a bowl of washing up water. I followed Beth into the lounge wondering what she was doing. I presumed it was something to do with the mysterious Julia. Beth found the album and we sat together looking at some very old pictures of the family. Some of the oldest ones were brown and white. After looking through them for about fifteen minutes Beth found some of Granny Toms when she was about forty.
Beth gave a gasp just as Mum came into the room. "I see you found the album," Mum said. "Did you find what you were looking for?"
"Yes," replied Beth. "Do we have a relative called Julia?"
More [A Strange Attraction to Concrete Cows]
by Karen Page
Edited by Angel O'Hare
Chapter 7
For a few seconds Mum just sat there stunned. "Why do you ask?"
"It's just I saw somebody during the pantomime interval that I found out was called Julia. She reminded me of somebody and after a few hours of racking my brains I remembered that she looks like Granny Toms used to."
"Can I see?" asked Mum. I felt a bit left out. I'd never seen this Julia person and I found the revelation that we had another relative very surprising. Nobody had ever mentioned her before.
When Mum saw the photo she just got the stunned look again. Beth leaned across, touched Mums arm and asked," So is she a relation?"
Mum gave a very simple response, "Yes."
"I was now very confused, "Why didn't you or Dad ever mention her before."
"Dad never told me about Julia until last year and since she's a member of the Toms family I didn't think it my place to tell you."
"Since she knows the Scott's and Moore's I presume she works for Planetwide?" concluded Beth.
"Yes. She works in the Milton Keynes office."
Before we could ask Mum any more questions the phone rang. Mum answered it. Apparently it was Dad. Mum took the cordless phone upstairs so she could talk in peace the only thing we heard was "You broke your promise."
"So how closely does Julia resemble Granny Toms?" I asked Beth trying to picture this recently discovered relation.
"The hair is different; Julia has her hair in a bob, and has thin arched eyebrows but the rest like the face is almost identical."
"Do you think we'll meet her?" I wondered.
"Well I suppose it depends if she is anything to do with Dad leaving."
"Why would a family member cause us not to see Dad? That doesn't make sense."
"No, but nothing regarding Dad has made sense since he left."
A good fifteen minutes later Mum appeared with the phone. "Your turns," she said.
I grabbed the phone first, "Hi Dad."
"Hi. Well done with the pantomime. I thought you did really well."
"What?" I said getting excited. "You were there?"
"Beth, why didn't you say that Dad was there?" I scolded.
"I didn't see him," she replied sounding a bit miffed.
"Why didn't Beth or I see you?" I asked Dad.
"Of course I was there. I would never have missed seeing your starting performance. Now, I'm in enough trouble with Mum that I went. How much more trouble do you think I'd be in if you'd seen Andrew Toms in the audience." Dad then tried to change the direction of the conversation, "Who was the girl who played the part before the interval? I only saw you in the second half."
"That was me," I replied quietly. I was slightly embarrassed that I'd played the part so femininely that my own Dad didn't recognise me. "I played the part in both halves."
"Oh, I'm sorry son. I thought it was a real girl. Looking back I can see that it was you. The voice and movement were very realistic. Who helped you, Beth?"
"No, Anna and Erika gave me a lot of help. It was Anna in the interval that pointed out that I was overacting. Beth saw somebody there called Julia. Mum just confirmed that she's a relation. You know we don't have many relations so why did you never mention her before?"
Dad paused for a moment and then sounded very unsure of what to say, "Julia has a very complex history which I'm not about to attempt to relate over the phone. When I see you and Beth next I'll explain about Julia."
"And I take it that we won't meet Julia until then?"
"I'm afraid so. Now isn't it your oboe exam on Monday?"
I chatted to Dad for another few minutes but he made it clear that Julia was not a topic that he or Mum would talk about. I said goodbye and put Beth on. I sat next to Mum while we waited for Beth to finish.
When Beth had said goodbye to Dad I went and sat next to her. By what I'd heard it sounded like Dad had told her the same as me about Julia.
"Julia shouldn't have been there," explained Mum. "It was very selfish of her. She promised that she wouldn't see you until you'd been told about her. So as Dad told you both; Julia is not a topic that either of us will discuss."
Just then the phone rang again. Again Mum answered it. "Oh hi Lisa, what wrong?" Mum then listened for a moment. "Beth just asked me about Julia. Why don't you and Lisa come down with Anna and we can discuss it. I'll ring Donald and Kathy and see if they can come with Erika also as I'm sure she'll be asking questions next."
Fifteen minutes later the Scott's and Moore's arrived. I was banished upstairs with the other three girls while the parents discussed things. Apparently when Anna had asked her Mum about Julia she'd refused to discuss it and promptly rang my Mum. While we waited the four of us debated why nobody had seen Dad and why we weren't being told anything about Julia.
After about twenty minutes we were summoned downstairs. All the comfortable seats on the settee were taken and Mum had brought in four chairs from the dining room. They were lined up together and the way they were positioned it looked like we were all in for interrogation. They all had hot drinks and it also looked like they'd been eating mince pies. Mum brought in a plate of four homemade mince pies for us.
Once we were seated Erika's Dad, Donald Moore, opened the proceedings, "Over the last two days you've all seen or heard mention of Julia. Well Julia is a relation to the Toms and she works for Planetwide. Julia is a nice lady but has an awkward background so until she has been introduced to Beth and Bill we won't discuss her. When Anna and Erika move to Milton Keynes they are also forbidden from making any contact with Andrew Toms or finding out about Julia. Any questions?"
I felt like a naughty boy being told off. I looked to my left and saw Anna and Erika looked the way I felt. When I looked to my right at Beth she looked defiant.
"This isn't fair," started Beth. "Dad leaves home and we end up without a father for no reason that you care to explain. Then we find out we have a relative called Julia that you all know about but nobody thinks it's important to tell us. Bill has a serious medical issue and while he gets support from all here, he is getting little help from Dad. He is mercilessly teased at school and being forced to play the part that he didn't even get picked for."
"We've discussed this before, Beth," said Mum not really listening to Beth. "I won't discuss why Dad moved out. I'm aware that Bill has it tough at school and I will discuss this with the school after Christmas. Keeping Dad away is for the best for both of you but especially Bill."
I decided to stick up my sister. She'd gone out on a limb and needed support, "It isn't just that we want Dad around. We are also very worried and confused; Dad got beaten up and stabbed. We just want to understand what's happening and why the man involved plans to plead not guilty due to being justified. I'm not an expert in the law but I do known that if found guilty he gets a much heavier sentence than if he pleaded guilty."
Mum just turned white as ghosts when we mentioned the stabbing. When I mentioned about him pleading not guilty she looked like she was shaking. I thought that she might have been angry that I brought this up but she just looked panicky.
"He can't do that," whispered Mum to herself in panic. "If it came out it would destroy the children's lives. When Andrew told me it almost destroyed mine."
Kathy and Lisa went to comfort my Mum whose eyes were doing very good impressions of waterfalls.
What did Marcus know about Dad that we didn't? What does Mum mean that knowing about Dad might destroy our lives? What's going on?
"What do you...." I was stopped when Mr Scott put a warning hand on my shoulder and shook his head.
Beth turned to the two male adults and said, "I'm sorry for my earlier outburst. Why don't I make up two camp beds for Anna and Erika? It looks like you've got a lot to discuss."
"Thanks Beth. I know this must be difficult," explained Mr Scott. "Where did you here about, er, the man that did this planning to not plead guilty?"
"You can call him Marcus if you want," I replied.
"Yet another fact you know. Don't worry I'm not going to ask where you get your information from. When you leave school I'll make sure there is an opening in the research department."
All four of us giggled which got another frown from Mum who had started to calm down. "You four had better head up to bed. Bill, can you give Beth a hand setting up the camp beds? They should be in the understairs cupboard. Spare bedding should be in the airing cupboard."
The second bed was folded near the back of the cupboard. As I was the smallest I volunteered to get it. As I grabbed it I forgot about the sloping roof and banged my head hard. Beth and Erika just cracked up laughing covering up my expletive.
"Are you okay?" Anna asked dragging me out as I towed the folded bed behind me.
"I'm fine," I said rubbing the banged area.
Beth and I each carried a camp bed upstairs. Wouldn't it be nice to have Anna sleeping in my room but I knew that would never happen. None of the parents had told us where the girls would sleep; I think they trusted us to do the right thing.
I placed the camp bed against the wall and went to the toilet thereby passing the decision to Beth and the girls. When I came out the camp bed was gone. I wondered into Beth's Room and they were busily trying to fit in the two beds.
Beth looked up from moving her bed and mouthed "Sorry" to me. I just shrugged and gave a week smile in reply. Erika was wrestling with the last bed and Anna was moving her bed towards the wardrobe. Anna looked up for a second and I noticed that her eyes looked moist before she busily resumed her work.
"While you finish arranging the beds I'll go and get the bedding." I said.
"I'll help," said Erika after finishing unfolding the camp bed against the far wall.
As I pulled items from the airing cupboard Erika held out her arms to let me place them there while searching for the next things. "Sorry about mentioning Marcus."
"It's okay," she said. "You needed to divert attention from Beth and none of the parents know that I gave you the information. Are you okay? You seemed upset back there?"
"I'm fine," I said trying to regain control of my emotions. I felt a slight tingle of moisture in my eyes and I blinked to try and clear my vision. "It's just I hoped," I trailed off and after a second continued, "It's nothing. I'm fine, really."
Erika's eyes opened wide in sudden realization of what I hadn't said. "It's okay Bill, I understand. I think that Anna had similar hopes. When Beth took the second bed into her room she looked rather deflated."
This cheered me up a bit though I still worried who Anna preferred so I thought I would go for broke, "Who does Anna prefer, Bill or Jill?"
Erika looked at me like I'd lost the plot, "She loves you both ways. Why do you think she lost it the first time you dressed as Jill? She still had feelings for you and she didn't understand why. Anna is only interested in boys. Sometimes you appear more relaxed as Jill. As Bill you are picked on and you never appear relaxed. When we went shopping as Jill you opened up and had fun."
"Thanks," I said with a small smile. "Just a word of warning; Anna snores really loud."
We took the bedding back to Beth's room. Beth and Anna had positioned the beds and although it would be cramped it would suffice for one night.
"I take it you will be going to church tomorrow morning?" asked Anna. When Beth nodded she continued, "Would you mind if I came with you?"
What was going on here? Anna never went to church and this would be the second Sunday in a row that she would attend. "That'll be nice," I responded.
"I'll need to nip home to get some nicer clothes for tomorrow," said Anna. "Jeans and a sweater won't do."
"We also need to get some night clothes," said Erika. "Let's go and ask if we can get what we need. We should only be gone about fifteen minutes."
I thought that if we went down the stairs quietly our parents might not hear us and we might gleam some information. Beth mustn't have been operating on the same wavelength as she bounded down the stairs sounding like a heard of elephants. The murmur of conversation stopped and Mum suddenly appeared at the door to the lounge.
"Would it be possible for Anna and Erika to nip home to get some things?" I asked Mum.
Mum leant back obviously looking at Anna's and Erika's parents for acceptance. Mr Moore's voice came with the response, "Only if they stick together."
"Mum," shouted Anna, "Would it be okay if I went with Bill to church tomorrow?"
"That's fine," said a very surprised sounding Mrs Scott as Anna had never shown an interest to go to church before last week.
While Anna and Erika went to get items they needed Beth and I made up the camp beds. We spent the time complaining to each other about not being told what was happening about Dad. We both really missed him.
Anna and Erika were soon back. They both looked tired so I left them for the night. When back in my room I set the alarm for thirty minutes earlier. With two extra girls in the house the bathroom might get busy. I had trouble sleeping as I wondered what my Dad was doing and who the mysterious Julia was. It looked like Anna had similar feelings to me but was also frightened of revealing them. I started to weep as I thought about the wonderful years I had known her and the fun things we had done together. As I wept I heard the Scott's and Moore's leave and Mum come to bed but sleep was still illusive. Eventually the tears stopped but my mind still thought about the issues I had.
It was about half one in the morning that I decided sleep wasn't going to come without help so crept downstairs and made myself a hot mug of milk. The ping from the microwave made me jump as it broke through the stillness of the night. I stood there without moving hoping that I hadn't disturbed Mum whose bedroom was immediately above the kitchen. After thirty seconds, I decided that I was safe and removed the cup of warm milk.
Just as I settled to the kitchen table I heard the kitchen door open and Mum, wrapped in her dressing gown, entered. "Do you mind it I join you?" she asked.
"Pull up a chair," I responded. "Sorry I disturbed you."
As she sat down opposite me she saw my tear stained cheeks. She got up and sat next to me and pulled me into a comforting embrace. That just charged up my emotions and resulted in a new flood of tears.
"Tell me what's wrong," Mum said as she gently stroked my hair.
"You know my body is changing and getting more feminine. It's gradual but the changes are starting to be noticeable. Beth had to make the pantomime dress not to make me more feminine but appear less. Last year I lost the only male influence in my life; my Dad, when he went to live in Milton Keynes. In just over a week Anna and Erika, my only friends my age, my lifeline to some sort of reality will disappear from my life. How can I be expected to live a life that I get no experience in living? How can I expect to learn how to be a man without some male influence and how can I learn about life as a teenager without any teenage friends. The only two people I will know are you and Beth."
Mum just sat there for a few moments as she continued to stoke my hair. Eventually she said, "Do you love Anna?" When there wasn't any response she said "I won't tell Anna."
There was another pause but I eventually said between sobs, "Yes, I've always been close and I've thought that I have for about a year. Recent events have just confirmed it. There have also been signs that she might love me. But we're only thirteen so if its true love or just puppy love I don't know."
Only the sound of my sobs and the ticking of the clock filled the room. Mum continued to gently stoke my hair, my tears soaking into her satin dressing gown.
"What about people in the orchestra? Don't you have anything in common with them?"
The continued sobs mixed with an attempted laugh caused a rather strange gurgled noise. "I might play with the people and some might respect my playing ability but we don't mix. I'm treated like a diseased animal, somebody to avoid. I might not know them all but my reputation as being somebody to avoid is very well known and very well adhered to."
We talked for quiet a while about issues but none really getting resolved. Mum was incensed when she heard that Tom had lied about who was chosen to play Widow Twanky. She was surprised that the teacher offered to cancel the show and was proud of my level-headed decision to go ahead.
As my sobbing eventually diminished I finished my milk. Mum said, "Leave the mug to me. Just go up to bed."
"Thank you for listening," I said giving my Mum a goodnight kiss. I went up and as soon as I got into bed I felt the need to relieve myself. Just typical. As I left the bedroom I heard not only Anna snoring but a voice downstairs. I crept down the stairs and heard Mum on the phone.
"I just don't know what to do Julia," said a very upset Mum. "He's so distraught. He never opens up to me and I think the only reason he did tonight was he was so close to a breakdown. He's been bottling things up such as the trouble he has at school. The only people I think he talks to is Anna and sometimes Erika. I've no idea what things are going to be like next year."
There was a pause as Mum listened to what Julia was saying, "That, I think is a last resort. For Bill to move to Milton Keynes would mean revealing everything. At the moment he is so emotionally fragile and I don't know if he would be able to cope with such a revelation."
Another pause, "No you can't go back know. This is the right thing for you and you know it. I'd rather tell Bill the truth than you destroy yourself."
I couldn't wait for the toilet any longer so crept back upstairs. When I was back in bed I thought about the telephone conversation. Why was Mum ringing Julia and not Dad? What was so terrible about Julia that they possibly could tell me? None of this made sense. The warm milk must have helped as I eventually drifted off to sleep.
The alarm rudely awoke my sleep. When I saw the time I just looked at the clock with horror. The events of last night quickly caught up with me and I remembered why I was getting up so early. I donned my dressing gown and headed for the bathroom.
When I came out of the bathroom I heard the faint sound of Beth's alarm going off so I'd timed going to the bathroom well. As I made my way back to my bedroom I saw Mum come out of her room to go downstairs. She had her own shower which greatly reduced any waiting period. I was wearing my dressing gown but hadn't put back on my pyjama trousers.
"Hi Bill, feeling better this morning?" Mum asked
"A little," I replied as I noticed my Mums eyes spot my shaven legs. How could I have been so careless?
"I see you went all out for the pantomime," said Mum with a smile as she headed downstairs.
I rushed back to my room before any of the girls emerged and got dressed. Why wasn't Mum upset about me shaving my legs? I joined Mum downstairs and decided not to push my luck by asking why she wasn't upset. Since we had guests Mum had decided to make a full English breakfast for us all. Mum already had the sausages cooking on the gas hob with the flame turned low and was busily preparing the rest. I grabbed an apron and started to slice the mushrooms.
As the girls started to appear Mum started to cook the rest and told us to sit. Beth poured five glasses of freshly squeezed orange. Mum soon had the five breakfasts ready and we all tucked in. Erika was not going to join us at church and was going to go home to pack. The forecast had been wrong and there was no new snow so clearing the drive wasn't an extra duty of the day.
At just before nine we departed. We waved goodbye to Erika as she made her way home. Once we were off the housing estate the main path through the village had been gritted so there was no chance of slipping. We got to the church about ten minutes before the start of the service. Regulars came up to Mum and said how sorry they were about Dad being ill. Mum thanked them all but never once told them that he'd been stabbed.
During the service two of my favourite modern hymns were sung, "Great is the Darkness" and "I the Lord of Sea and Sky". Since the service was so close to Christmas there were even a few carols. After the service the vicar met up with us while we were having tea and biscuits in the church hall.
"It's good to see you here today Carol," he started. "How's Andrew doing?"
"Much better thank you. He was able to get up from his sickbed on Tuesday morning. I think he will be back at work tomorrow but it depends on what the doctors say."
"Well please let him know he is still in our prayers." The vicar then turned to me and Anna. "Well it's good to see you here again, er; Anna isn't it?
"Yes it is," she replied. "It's nice to be here again. My parents move house in just over a week so I'm not sure if I will be able to attend again."
After church Beth went home. That afternoon I had another cooking lesson. Mum thought that I'd learnt enough about the region to be able to cook my first Indian dish. She had me start small by making some samosa's. She cooked Palak Paneer as the meal. Next Sunday would be Boxing Day so she decided that I would next cook on the Monday. This time I would get to cook the main meal.
I spent the rest of Sunday practicing for tomorrows impending oboe exam. The next day soon arrived. I managed to get a good night sleep and awoke ready to face the day.
At ten past nine I met Mr Small in the school reception. I had carried my oboe and a small leather folder containing my music. My rucksack with all my books in was safely stowed in my locker.
"You all ready?" he asked.
"As well as I will ever be," I responded. After putting our names in the book which informed any school staff that we would be offsite we headed for his little car.
Once there we registered ourselves with the official and awaited our turn. Only five minutes late we were both ushered into the testing room, Mr Small was accompanying me on the piano. During the pieces I occasionally glanced from the corner of my eye. The examiner was sat back and listening, which was a good sign. If she was busy writing away she would have been writing down faults. After the set pieces Mr Small left leaving me to the mercy of the examiner. I then had to play a selection of scales and arpeggios and lastly an unrehearsed piece.
"Well, how do you feel you did?" she asked.
"I messed up the first few bars of the sight reading and I played the wrong note in the second set piece. Apart from that I think most things went well." I berated myself for being too honest.
The examiner smiled. "Correct you messed up the first few bars but recovered well and didn't loose your intonation. Also I didn't notice the wrong note in the second set piece so you covered well. I am awarding you a distinction in your grade seven oboe exam. Well done Mr Toms."
"Thank you," I said smiling as I walked out of the door.
Mr Small saw my smile and said, "I take it you passed?"
"Yes, with distinction."
"Well done."
By the time I got back to school there wasn't any point in going to the lesson as there was only fifteen minutes before lunch. Mr Small signed us both in. I waited till just before the lunch bell sounded to walk to the classroom where Anna and Erika were currently being taught.
When they came out of the classroom they saw me waiting. "Did you pass?" asked Erika.
I tried to look downcast and said in a fake upset voice, "I tried my best."
Erika looked sorry for me but Anna knew me better and smiled saying, "What grade pass did you get?"
I just smiled happily that I'd fooled one of them, "Distinction."
Anna just jumped on me and gave me a hug. "Well done," she said giving me a quick kiss on the lips. When she realised what she'd done she let go and rushed into the nearest toilets.
I turned to Erika, "What's wrong with Anna?"
She grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the wall where it was quieter, "You may look good as Jill but you've still got a lot to learn."
"Huh?"
"Anna has had feelings for you for a while but has never shown them," explained Erika. "Now in her excitement for you she's let you see that she cares. She's embarrassed as half the class saw and she doesn't know what to do."
"Why don't you go and talk with her," I said. "I'll go to lunch and sit in the far corner. Therefore if she doesn't want to be near me then she can avoid me without missing lunch. After I've eaten I'll be in one of the music practice rooms to practice for Thursday's concert."
Erika went to find Anna and I had lunch. Anna and Erika didn't make an appearance during lunch so I went to practice in one of the two practice rooms.
After about five minutes into the practice the door opened and Beth walked in. "I hear congratulations are in order."
"How did you know I passed?"
"Oh did you? Well done. No I'm talking about the kiss from Anna. Heard it lasted for a good minute and tongues were involved."
"I told her I passed and she gave me a hug and inadvertently a peck on the lips. She then ran into the ladies and I've not seen her since."
Beth just set off laughing. I suppose it was funny to other people but I certainly wasn't seeing any humour. She saw my downcast face and ruffled my hair and said, "It'll be okay. Erika will sort her out."
Beth left to try and straighten out the rumour. I attempted to practice but I couldn't concentrate on the music; my mind kept thinking about Anna. When the bell signalling the end of lunch rang, Anna still hadn't appeared. Since registration was just round the corner I took my time putting the oboe away.
When I got to registration most people were already seated. A few wolf whistles sounded as I entered. Some made comments such as "Hello lover boy" and "I thought you were gay".
I just felt sad that an innocent display of affection would cause such a response. I'd suffered enough with teasing without getting any more. I sat sullenly in my seat next to Anna who was already there.
"You okay?" I quietly asked.
"Think so," she replied.
She slipped me a piece of paper which I glanced at. "Can you come round at seven?"
"I'll be there," I promised.
The rest of the day passed quickly. With school ending the next day nobody was paying much attention to the classes so the teachers didn't do much teaching.
More [A Strange Attraction to Concrete Cows]
by Karen Page
Edited by Angel O'Hare
Chapter 8
After I'd eaten and helped cleared up I went to see Anna. Mum didn't have any problems about me going there and said that it would be nice to help them pack.
Since lunch the weather appeared to have warmed up and the snow had started to melt. At this rate there wouldn't be any snow left tomorrow let alone on Christmas day. The sound of trickling water entering the roadside drains accompanied the slushing sound of the occasional passing car.
When I got to Anna's it was Mrs Scott that let me in. I'd just hung up my coat on the coat hooks to the left of the door when Mrs Scott asked, "Do you know what's wrong with Anna. When she said you were coming I made her something to eat early but she hardly ate anything and then shut herself in her room. Normally if she was upset about something she would talk to me. This time, however, she won't tell me a thing."
"Perhaps she's upset about leaving," I said not wanting to mention about the kiss. "She asked me to come tonight to discuss some things and I thought I would help her pack."
"George's job is moving to Milton Keynes so we don't have any choice but to move," she said reaffirming the decision.
"I blame those concrete cows," I said trying to lighten the mood. "I lost my Dad to Milton Keynes last year and now I will loose Anna." I paused for a second and then asked, "Can I go up?"
Mrs Scott just nodded, still worrying about her only child.
Anna's door was shut so I gently knocked and said, "Hi Anna, its Bill."
"Come in," she replied.
When I opened the door Anna was lying on her bed and it looked like she'd been crying. Her main light was off and her room was illuminated by her bed side lamp. I softly closed the door, ensuring that it didn't slam, and went across to the bed.
"What's wrong Anna?" I asked as I took a seat next to her bed.
"Nutin'," she responded despondently.
I saw a fresh tear slip down her smooth unblemished cheek. I reached across and gently wiped it away. "You asked me to visit. I take it you didn't ask Erika as well?"
"No."
"Let me go and get a glass of water," I said. "That should help you calm down a bit. Then, if you want, you can talk or, if you're not ready for that, I can help you pack."
"Thanks," she replied and before I could go she asked, "What was the English translation of the poem you read?"
My face turned bright red. I knew that Anna would ask me about the poem and was dreading giving her the slip of paper that I'd been carrying in my pocket. I fished in my pocket and removed a folded piece of paper. I unfolded it and held it out to Anna.
"Will you read it to me?" she asked. "My eyes are blurred with all the crying."
"Okay," I said reluctantly, my red face turning a ghostly white.
In the arms of love we fell blissfully asleep;
at the open window the summer wind listened
and carried the peacefulness of our breath
out into the bright, moonlit night.
And out of the garden, feeling its way randomly,
the scent of roses came to our bed of love
and gave us wonderful dreams,
dreams of intoxication, rich with yearning.
I slipped out of Anna's room before she could respond and made my way downstairs. I wonder what she thought of the poem. Her small smile as I left might have indicated she did. What had upset Anna so much? Was it the move or was it the kiss? When I thought of that kiss I started to feel a bit fuller in my underwear. I desperately fought to gain control of my emotions as I saw Mr Scott had just arrived home.
"Hi, Mr Scott." I said.
Mrs Scott had just walked out of the lounge asked me, "How's Anna?"
"She's mostly cried out. Is it okay if I grab a glass of water for Anna?"
"Help yourself," she said, knowing I knew where everything was. "Take up a plate of biscuits as well. Has she told you what's upset her?"
"No, but I think it just a few things have caught up with her. Don't worry," I said trying to reassure her. Mr Scott, who had only just come in put his arm round her and steered her back to the lounge.
I put two glasses of water and the plate of biscuits on a tray and returned to Anna's room. This time I didn't knock but just entered. As I entered I saw Anna had been trying to clear the tears away with several tissues. Anna sat up and I saw her start to shiver. I put down the tray and took a thick jumper that was neatly folded in her wardrobe.
"Here put this on," I said handing her the jumper.
"Thanks," she responded as she pulled it over her head.
"Your Mum's worried about you, and so am I."
"Sorry," she said looking like she was going to cry again.
"Let's sit on the floor and have some of these biscuits your Mum insisted that I bring up."
I put the tray on the floor and I sat down next to where Anna sat. Anna looked like she wanted to talk but every time she opened her mouth no words came out. I shuffled a little closer and poor Anna looked a bit scared.
"Sorry," I said moving back. "I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted you to know I was here if you wanted comfort."
"Thanks," she said her voice slightly croaky, "sorry."
I picked up a biscuit, "Let me guess. You have something you want to talk about but you're not sure how to say it. You've been thinking about what to say since you've got home and you're still unsure."
Anna just nodded.
"But that's not all, is it? Are you also frightened that it might ruin our friendship?"
Anna gave a faint "Yes" as well as nodding.
"I'd never do anything to hurt you," I said and then almost as a whisper, "I love you too much."
I just hoped that what Erika had said was correct. If not I must certainly weakened our friendship.
Anna obviously heard what I'd said as she looked up and gazed into my eyes. She just looked at me, her own face one of total surprise. In a tiny unsure voice she queried, "You do?"
"Yes, I have felt this way for a few years. I hoped that the poem would have made that clear."
"Years?" she wondered. All the worry about my reaction evaporated from the stress of the evening suddenly erupted into a flood of tears. I scooped her into my arms and with her sitting on my lap I gently rocked her as she buried her head into my neck.
Time became irrelevant. Anna could have cried for five minutes or five hours, I wouldn't have known and I didn't care. Anna now knew my feelings and I knew hers. We were together at last. I whispered reassuring words to her which eventually calmed her down. The German poem I'd read last week in class became reality as we both fell into a blissful sleep and our dreams were rich with yearning.
Our isolation from the world came to an abrupt end when Mrs Scott came into Anna's room. Anna didn't stir but my eyes opened to see Mrs Scott standing there looking at Anna asleep in my arms.
I expected her to be angry with me but she just asked, "Is Anna okay? We heard quite a bit of crying"
"I think so," I whispered back. "She's let out some of the things she's been bottling up."
Mrs Scott just looked relieved. "I've known you for ten years and know you both can be trusted. Please behave."
"We will," I replied as she closed the door behind her.
A little bit later Anna stirred and wriggled slightly in my lap, my arms still holding her as she nestled into me. After what might have been eternity, but was only a few minutes, she lifted her head from me and her eyes slowly opened. Her eyes shimmered like sapphires as she gazed into mine.
"Hi," I said as her smile sent my heart soaring. "Sleep well?"
"Mmmm," was her only response as she rested her head against my shoulder. I continued to rock her.
After a few minutes of rocking she again lifted her head and looked me in the eyes her smile warmed my soul. She leaned forward and kissed me on the lips. I was taken by surprise but then tenderly returned the kiss. Reluctantly and slowly our lips parted and all my cares in the world disappeared. Anna said something but it didn't register. I just couldn't put words together as my brain just didn't want to engage. My heart was racing and my whole body just felt like jelly.
"You okay?" Anna asked as I eventually returned to some sort of existence.
"Yeah, why?" I asked puzzled at her concerned expression.
"It's just that you seemed to disappear for about thirty seconds. You didn't respond to anything."
"I'm fine," I reassured her, a happy contented smile on both our faces, "that was some kiss."
"Just a reminder that it's quarter to ten," called Mrs Scott's voice from the landing.
"Thanks," called back Anna getting up from my lap. I just wanted to continue kissing. Anna must have had similar thoughts as she said, "Why don't you come round tomorrow night. But we must get some packing done."
As we straightened our clothes we were just grinning at each other. Anna giggled as she said, "It's a good job that Mum didn't catch us."
"Your Mum walked in while we were dozing. Her opening the door woke me up."
"Oh no, she's going to freak!"
"She was just relieved that you were okay," I said giving her hands a reassuring squeeze. "She didn't appear to mind and said that she trusted us. Now let's go and wash our faces then go and face her."
After we both made a quick bathroom visit we walked hand-in-hand down to Anna's parents.
"It's about time," was the initial comment from a smiling Mrs Scott. "You two have been nearly boyfriend/girlfriend for years. I'm just upset that it had to wait till now."
"Sorry I was sleeping with Bill," murmured Anna.
"You're sorry you were caught or sorry that you did it," asked Mr Scott.
"Er...well," stuttered Anna.
"Stop teasing the poor girl," scalded Mrs Scott. "She'd had an emotional time and was exhausted. They both had their clothes on and I trust them both to behave. Bill's been alone in Anna's room often enough and I believe that they won't engage in inappropriate behaviour," and then turning to us asked, "Will you?"
Well it wasn't really a question. More like looking for confirmation which we both duly gave.
"Bill, you've ten minutes to get home," reminded Mr Scott.
"Thanks," I said standing up. "I was going to help Anna pack a few boxes but that plan appears to have gone out the windows. Can I come and help her tomorrow evening?"
"Sure," replied Mrs Scott.
I walked to front door with Anna still holding my hand. "Take care," she said after we broke from kissing. I had less than five minutes to get home.
When I walked through the door my mum poked her head out from the lounge. She took one look and ordered me into the lounge. As I went in I asked, "Where's Beth?"
"She's upstairs just finishing wrapping some presents."
"I'm not late am I?"
"No, another few minutes and you might have been."
"So why do you want to chat?" I asked puzzled.
"I thought there might be something that you want to tell me." I must have looked blank as Mum continued, "Did you get much packing done."
That just brought back more memories of Anna being in my arms. "Well we didn't actually get round to packing anything. But we will try again tomorrow night."
Just then the phone went and Mum, who had the cordless phone next to her, answered. After a few pleasantries she said, "Yes Anna, Bill got home okay." She paused for a few seconds. "That should be fine."
When Mum had hung up she turned to me and said, "Anna sends her love and her Mum has invited you to dinner tomorrow night."
My face turned crimson as my Mum watched my reaction with delight. "About time you two got together. Make the most of the time you've got left together; so since school is ending tomorrow I'll extend your curfew to eleven. I'll tell Beth that she also has an increased deadline. I'll talk with Lisa tomorrow but I won't put any new restrictions on the two of you. I trust you both to behave."
"Thanks Mum," I said getting up and giving her a hug. "Mrs Scott said the same."
"Now off to bed as its school tomorrow. I don't care if it's the last day of term and you won't do much work."
I kissed her good night and went to bed. Sleep didn't come easily as I just thought about Anna and how good it felt to have her in my arms.
***
The next day I woke to the feeling of excitement. What would today at school with Anna hold? At breakfast something must have given me away as Beth gently teased me.
I was just putting on my coat when the door bell rang. I ran to the door and Anna was standing there. Erika was stood at the end of the drive.
"You ready?" Anna asked.
"Let me just grab my bag," I said.
As I left the house I we shared a quick good morning kiss and we both joined Erika who was looking a bit left out.
"Hi Bill," she said unsure how to treat me.
I just linked my arm through hers and said, "Hi Erika. Just because Anna and I are together we aren't going to do anything to destroy both our friendship with you."
Anna took my cue and linked arms on the other side, "And we won't do anything like kiss in front of you."
At school Mr Abbots took me aside during the first break. "Just so you are aware Tom has been dropped from playing for the school football team for a month."
"Is that all?" I asked incredulously. There were very little matches due to the Christmas break so he might be dropped for one game.
"A more severe punishment was discussed," explained Mr Abbots, "but it required parental permission which Tom's father refused."
"But why only a month?"
"Well I pushed for longer as what he did had quite a high impact on you. However Mr Plant, the sports master, argued that the misdemeanour itself was quite small."
"I lost many hours of time preparing for the play," I fumed, "It would only be fair if Tom lost the same amount of time."
"I know," sympathised Mr Abbots, "but it is now out of my hands."
The rest of the day passed quickly. Erika soon got over her initial worries as I avoided treating Anna differently from normal. Anna was also sensible about Erika's worries and they spent time together as per normal.
I went home as per normal to get changed and was soon at Anna's. Erika was just leaving and told me to have fun. Neither of Anna's parents was home yet so after a session of kissing and cuddling we decided to pack some of Anna's belongings.
"Shall I do the books, while you tackle the CD's?" I asked.
"Sounds good," she replied, "Dad has some small boxes downstairs."
When she came back I was surprised at the smallness of there size. "Why so small?" I asked
"Fill one with books," she said. "Then try and lift it."
I did as she said and I now understood. The box was heavy. If the box had been any bigger it would be too heavy to move. I tested the box she'd created full of CD's and that was equally heavy.
The evening passed quickly. At the meal Anna's parents treated me just like a member of the family. As Mrs Scott had done the cooking Anna and I did the washing up.
As the evening progressed we managed to pack most of her room. Only what she needed, such as clothes, were not packed. When it was time to go home her room was looking a lot less personal. The walls were bare, her cupboard now only containing her clothes. Well not quite just her clothes, it also contained the outfit I'd bought the other week. It was the very dress and jacket that I would be wearing tomorrow.
When it was time to leave my heart sank. I would love to spend the night, even if it was in the spare room. However the spare room now contained the contents of the loft, which Mrs Scott was busy labelling. I dreaded the Scott's moving as I would no longer see Anna. However I still had the silly feeling that it wouldn't be long before we were back together.
The next day was the first day of the Christmas school holidays. I awoke to it pouring with rain. Since I was due to be Jill I fumbled at the back of one of my draws and retrieved one of my panties. To save time at Anna's I decided to wear it all day. As I stumbled down the stairs Mum was just finishing of her breakfast.
"Morning Bill," she said smiling. "You do know you don't have school don't you. You are allowed a lie in."
"Ha ha," I replied. "I'm planning on going shopping with Anna. She said that there are a few things she needs."
"Well don't forget your eating here tonight so please be home for five."
With Mum gone and Beth still enjoying extra sleep I donned the bra and added a baggy jumper to cover it up. At nine I was knocking on Anna's door.
"Hi," she said allowing me in. When the door was closed we passionately kissed. When we parted she continued, "I've got your dress out. Your makeup is in the small makeup case on the bed."
Anna stayed downstairs as I got ready. I removed my clothes and hid them in Anna's wardrobe. After putting on the outfit, including the laid out tights and shoes, I sat down to brush my hair and apply my makeup. The practice I'd had in applying makeup for the pantomime had paid off. At first I applied the makeup rather thickly, like I required for the play. I reapplied it rather subtly and I think I looked acceptable. I placed on the shoes and walked down the stairs. One thing that I had become quite proficient at was walking in heels.
"Can I borrow one of your coats?" I asked putting on my female voice.
"Er yes," she said staring at me.
"You okay?" I said taking one of her coats from the hook by the front door.
"Yeah," she replied not looking at me. "Let's go shall we." She opened the front door and saw it was still raining. "Do you want to borrow a brolly?"
"Please."
We walked to the bus and fortunately we didn't have to wait very long before one arrived. During the walk to the bus stop and on the bus I tried to engage Anna in conversation but something was clearly wrong as she was unusually quiet.
When we got to Wolverhampton and into the dry of the shopping centre I manoeuvred her onto a bench. "What's wrong? You've hardly spoken to me since we left and you won't even hold my hand."
"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm not sure what's going on. When you're dressed like that I see you as a girl and I don't know how to relate to you."
"It's okay," I said taking her hand. She pulled her hand back in alarm.
"Sorry," she apologised when her automatic reaction registered.
"Let's do the shopping and go home," I suggested. "The middle of the mall is not a good place to discuss this. Just treat me as you do Erika then you should be okay."
"I can't treat you like Erika. I know who you are and my heart aches for you. However, my head stops me and I don't know why."
"Okay," I said standing up. "You said you needed to get some girly things so lets do it."
"Well actually the things are for you," she confessed. "I realised that Jill didn't have any shoes and a coat. With you thinking that one day you might need to live as a girl I thought that you shouldn't lose the skills you've developed. Jill would look odd wearing a pair of Bill's shoes."
"I don't want to look odd or stand out," I agreed.
I thought that getting a pair of shoes would be easy. Anna's fitted nicely but trying to find a pair that I was happy with took time. Going into shoe shops was quite a relief as most people were too busy buying last minute gifts. Shoes for parties had, for most people, already been purchased leaving the shoe shops less busy than normal.
In the third shop the ideal pair of shoes was found which just left the coat.
"I know where to go," said Anna who was still nervous about showing affection but her spirit was being lifted by her love for shopping. Anna steered us towards the far end of the mall.
"Hi Jill. Hi Anna," came a familiar voice from my left.
Both of us stopped and looked around. The people who where behind nearly tripped over us and went off muttering nasty things.
"Hi Beth," I said walking towards my sister after spying her by the entrance to WH Smiths. "You decided to get up then?"
"It the holidays," she said feigning being upset, "you don't have to get up as early as school days."
Anna and I just exchanged glances and giggled. Beth is one cool sister to have. One annoying feature of Beth is her ability to see what's going on around her. "Are you two okay? You don't seem the same lovey-dovey couple that I've seen the last few days."
I looked upset and Anna just looked embarrassed.
"Jill, I think they have that new book you were looking for. Why don't you have a look while I have a word with Anna?"
I wasn't after a book but I took my cue and left them alone. I knew Beth wouldn't interfere, well not too much, but she was just making sure that I wasn't hurt. I mooched round the store unsure how long to stay away for. I did spot a DVD that I thought looked good and after a few moments deliberation decided to buy it. I almost regretted it when I saw the ten minute queue. After being in the store for about twenty minutes I made my way out.
"Look after my little sis," said Beth to Anna as she walked off.
"Are you okay?" I asked Anna concerned what had been said between Beth and Anna. I knew Beth wouldn't have been violent but still I wanted to be sure.
"I'm fine," she said giving me a small smile. "Beth and I just had a little chat about some of my feelings. I'll tell you when we get home. Now let's get you that coat"
With the coat purchased I remembered I only had the garish tights from the pantomime so I got some of those along with some girl's socks. In recent years I hadn't been clothes shopping and now I'd been twice. I don't know if it was due to being with somebody I loved but I was having great fun.
What I thought was a shopping trip for Anna had turned out to be a trip for Jill. It was very kind of Anna to make sure that I was equipped for the future. As we got onto the bus I couldn't help wonder what Beth had said to Anna. Since then Anna had not been as withdrawn. They hadn't held hands like normal and there definitely hadn't been any kissing. No if anything it was like how they had used to be, very good friends on the cusp of romance.
Anna moved towards the rear of the almost empty bus. Most people were still arriving rather than go home. I took the window seat and Anna slid in next to me. When the bus set off there was nobody sitting near us. I could see that Anna was mulling over things and I knew from experience that it was best not to disturb her thoughts when she was like this.
While I waited for her to finish her contemplations my mind began to drift to next week when Anna would leave. This was something that we both dreaded. I knew that people move all the time but why did it have to happen to me?
My thoughts were interrupted by Anna slipping her hand into mine. I looked across and saw her smile.
"Sorry about earlier," she whispered. "I love you."
"Who?" I asked in a hushed voice, "Bill or Jill?"
"Both. I love you both."
by Karen Page
Edited by Angel O'Hare
Chapter 9
Friday, Christmas Eve, dragged. I hadn't seen Anna all day. She was busy helping her Mum, who finished her job the previous day, pack some of the remaining items. I wanted to help but I'd spent so much time with them that I hadn't managed to wrap any of my Christmas presents. Most of the morning, therefore, was spent wrapping. When I came to wrap Anna's present I took special care with the wrapping, putting a big red ribbon to make it look that little bit extra special.
I'd purchased Anna's and Erika's present a few weeks previous but had decided to get something a bit extra. Last night I was playing with the counties concert wind band at a shopping mall. During a break from playing I managed to purchase something for her to remember me with.
Mum arrived back at twelve from the shops. She'd left for the supermarket at six this morning. I knew things would be busy but I wasn't expecting it to take that long.
"Bill," called Mum. "Can you give me a hand?"
I trouped out and helped her carry in several plastic bags full of shopping. Then I spied a big open top box on the back seat. Inside was a huge turkey.
"Isn't that turkey a little big for just the three of us?"
"It won't just be the three of us this year. We're having visitors."
"Is Dad coming?" I asked getting excited. "I know how he hated eating alone last year. Is he bringing Julia?"
"No, your Dad isn't coming," replied Mum her face falling.
I thought that she was going to burst into tears so I rushed over and gave her a hug. "I'm sorry Mum. You really miss him don't you?"
Mum just nodded as we carried the box into the kitchen. After a moment of silence I asked, "So who is coming?"
"The Scott's and the Donald's. I invited them when I found out about them moving between Christmas and New Year. I didn't think it would be very merry in a bare house surrounded with boxes."
"No wonder you got such a big turkey," I said. "Ten is a lot to cook for. Would you like some help?"
"Always offering to help," smiled Mum. "Thanks, but I should be able to manage. I could do with some help with some of the preparation during this afternoon."
My face fell for a second as I had hoped to go to Anna's this afternoon. Then I perked up as I thought about helping make Christmas special for the girl I loved. "No problem Mum. Let me help put all of this away and then after lunch I'll gladly help."
Mum turned up the dimmer as the closing credits of A Christmas Carol came up. Patrick Stewart hadn't done a bad rendition of Ebenezer Scrooge but I still think that Alistair Sim is the best. We leave for church at eleven so we had two hours to kill. Perhaps we should turn over and watch Chocolat but it finished at five to eleven so that wouldn't give me much time to get ready.
"Will you both please put up the camp bed," requested Mum making the choice not to watch Chocolat for me. "We will have a guest staying overnight."
"You can get it out this time," I told Beth. "My head still hurts from last time."
Beth just burst out in laughter remembering what had happened. "No problem little bro, I'll get it out."
Beth then turned to Mum and asked, "Which room should we put it in?"
Mum actually stopped to ponder. This surly couldn't be a difficult decision was it? Males went in with me and females in with Beth. "It's up to you," she replied baffling both me and Beth. "You could put it in either room really. I'll leave it up to you."
Beth and I just looked at each other in wonder both of us failing to understand what was going on. In our baffled state none of us thought the obvious question about asking who was staying. Instead I asked, "Is the person male or female?"
"Female," responded Mum with a small smile.
"Well then we will put her in Beth's room," I decided. I wonder if Mum has had too much to drink after the meal.
While Beth rummaged under the stairs for the camp bed I found the bedding in the airing cupboard. I was starting to get quite good at making up camp beds. You don't use them for a year and this is the second time in under a week.
At ten Beth and I were playing a game of scrabble. As usual Beth was getting better words than me but I was placing mine in more strategic positions so was slightly ahead. The doorbell rang and Beth got up to see who was knocking at this time of night.
"No Beth," said Mum. "I think that Bill should go."
Wondering what Mum was playing at I opened the front door. There shining as if she were the actual Christmas angel stood Anna. I stood aside to let her in. As the door closed Anna dropped her bag and jumped into my arms. When eventually we separated I noticed that she was wearing some smart clothes.
"Are you coming to church with us tonight?"
"Yes. I spoke with my parents last Sunday about it and they discussed things with your Mum. My parents have never really been church goers so they find this a bit strange. However they support my choice and thought it would be nice to accompany you."
"Do you want to go because of me or because you want to go to church?" I asked.
"A bit of both," she said after a moments thought. "I like being with you and went the first time to keep you company. I found the service interesting and some of what was said made sense. I'd like to go to make up my mind and Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus so here I am."
"So why are you staying overnight?"
"Well I'm going in the morning with you as well."
"Let's take your bag up," I suggested. Then it dawned on me, Mum gave me the opportunity to have Anna sleep in my room.
"I'll be right back," I said to Anna as I strode towards the lounge.
"How could you Mum," I said.
She just smiled and said, "Thank you for not disappointing me and the Scott's. Like I said, we trust you both."
"Ahhhh," I mock screamed with frustration which just caused Mum and Beth to laugh.
I leaned over to Beth and said, "Well you'll have to put up with her snoring." This stopped Beth laughing and I just laughed at the look of anguish on her face.
I left Beth and Mum alone and went to help Anna unpack her overnight bag. “I hear you’re coming to lunch tomorrow.”
“Yes. It will seem strange not seeing my parents until lunch time and not opening my presents till we go home.”
“How did your parents feel about you staying?”
“They understood that this is something I wanted to do. As you know they’ve always been one for me choosing what I want in life.”
“Like when you wanted to take ballet lessons?” I teased. That just resulted in Anna sticking out her tongue at me.
"I brought down your clothes," she said referring to Jill's clothes. I took them and placed them at the back of my wardrobe.
At just before eleven we all were in our smart clothes and piled into Mums car for the short journey to church. The air was quite warm and didn’t feel very Christmassy. The images on the front of the Christmas cards really gave the wrong impression of Christmas. It was never white during Christmas. Mum told me the other day that the last real Christmas with snow on the ground was in 1981.
When we got to the church it was already starting to fill. There were a lot of non regulars attending which swelled the numbers and just before half eleven the church was nearly full.
Just before the service started I remembered something I meant to chat with Anna about. “Anna I know that you’re not confirmed. I meant to talk with you earlier about this but you can still go up for blessing.”
“I’d feel funny doing that,” she replied. “What would the vicar think?”
“Dad didn’t get confirmed until he was in his late twenties,” I stated. “Also I heard that vicars feel it is an honour. By going and asking for a blessing you are personally asking the vicar to act as a conduit.”
“But what will everyone else say?”
“This is about your relationship with Jesus not anybody else’s. If you go to the communion rail or not is up to you. Just remember there are a lot of non regulars here tonight and not all of them will have been confirmed.”
I gave her hand a reassuring squeeze and let the subject drop. I always loved this Midnight Communion service as it is a service of celebration and hope. At midnight the verger lit the last advent candle and Christmas day had begun. This was my second Christmas without my Dad and the first with somebody not from our family.
When we arrived home we were all tired. “Go on up,” Mum told all three of us.
As I went into my room and I heard Anna say to Beth, “I just want to say goodnight to Bill. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
I was in the process of removing my tie when Anna walked in. “Merry Christmas,” she said giving me a tender but firm kiss. I like those kisses.
“Thanks for earlier,” she said. “You know what you talked to me about in church. You were right the vicar was totally unfazed about me going for a blessing.”
We talked for another few minutes until we heard Beth finish in the bathroom.
“Goodnight,” I said giving Anna a kiss. “See you later today.”
***
In the morning we just had a light breakfast of orange juice and cereal. It was pointless to have much more as Christmas day lunch would fill us up till New Year. After attending church again we all came home to open the presents.
Anna looked a bit down so I asked, “What’s wrong? You seem a bit upset.”
“Nothing really. I’m glad I stayed and went to church but I feel a bit left out. All my presents are waiting at home.”
“Not all,” Mum said. “Bill has some presents here for you. See the pile of presents under the tree. Well all the children help divide them up into individual piles. Why don’t I leave all three of you to sort them out while I check on the turkey?”
As she walked out of the door she said, “And no opening them till I’m back!”
We all scrambled onto the floor and started sorting them out. Suddenly there was a loud shriek from Anna.
“What wrong?” I said worried as tears streamed down her face.
“Some of these are for me from my family,” she said happily. “Dad must have snuck them down.”
I then realised that they were tears of joy, not sadness. As we sorted the presents I came across the ones from me to her. I passed them to her and gave her a quick kiss.
“Can I open it now?” she asked looking ready to rip the paper off.
“NO!” screeched Beth and me simultaneously. “Mum will go spare if we open them when she’s not here.”
“Okay,” she said reluctantly putting them onto her pile.
Just as we finished dividing the presents out the door bell rang. “Can you get that Bill,” asked Mum.
I looked at the clock and it was two early for the Scott’s or Moore’s. Who could this be? May be it was Dad? Then on second thoughts Mum had categorically said that he wasn’t coming.
I walked to the front door accompanied by Anna. As I opened it I heard Mr and Mrs Scott cheerfully greet us both with a “Merry Christmas.”
Anna virtually jumped into their arms. I knew that she’d missed them. “What are you doing here this early?” a bewildered Anna asked her parents.
“It wouldn’t be Christmas if we didn’t watch you open your presents.”
I ushered them into the lounge where Mum had reappeared. All the presents were separated into areas.
When Anna opened her present from me she gasped and flung herself into my arms. It was a silver photo frame with a picture of me and Anna. Written in the bottom left were the words, "To Anna, All my love for always. Bill."
I found her present to me and she just burst into a fit of giggles as I began to open it. Nestled inside a mountain of wrapping paper was an identical silver photo frame. The picture inside however was a different one of us together at one of Planetwide's family events. Anna was wearing a rather fetching red velvet cushioned dress. I remember her wearing it as it used to drive my then undeclared feelings wild. I took her in my arms and gave Anna another big kiss much to Mum's amusement.
My parents had given me a mobile phone. When Beth opened her present she had an identical phone. My parents had always said that they didn't believe in children having mobiles so this was quite a surprise.
"What made you change your mind about us having a mobile?" I asked.
"With Anna and Erika leaving you probably will go out alone. That didn't used to be a problem as there were always plenty of pay phones. With such a widespread mobile phone use BT are removing some of them. A mobile will make sure you can contact me or in a real emergency Dad.
Soon all the presents were open and the lounge cleared of the torn wrapping paper. Just before Christmas lunch the Donald's appeared and the day passed with lots of exuberance. The only strange thing was when the Christmas pudding was brought out. Mum poured some brandy over the pudding and set it alight.
Erika, who was sitting to my left, leaned across and whispered, "You still eat it after that?"
I gave a small giggle, "Of course. It's just a part of the tradition. It doesn't burn the pudding."
"Okay," she said doubtfully.
Beth took the pudding back to the kitchen and served it into bowls. She brought them in with a jug of brandy sauce. Erika picked at her pudding until she saw her parents eating theirs with gusto and she tucked in. After the mince pies and Christmas cake everyone was very much over fed.
The Donald's and Scott's eventually left about nine that night. It was one of the days since Dad had left, well apart from Anna sleeping on my lap!
***
The days passed quickly and I saw little of Erika or Anna as they prepared for their move. I wanted to help but the thought of Anna leaving was too much for me. I just cooked lots of cakes to try and take my mind off the fateful day. Mum was always there to listen to me when I got too upset. She had taken the days between Christmas and New Year as holidays so she would be there when Erika and Anna left
On the Wednesday it was time for Erika to leave. At half ten I wandered up to Erika's house. The day was crisp and dry rather like the days since Christmas. Outside of the house was parked a large lorry and three removal men were carrying the last remaining boxes out.
I didn't see Anna wander up and the first thing I new about her presence was when she slipped her hand into mine. We just watched in silence as the Donald's life was packed into a lorry. We'd known Erika for just over a year. In that time she had much to adjust to. We might speak the same language but there was a lot for her to adjust to.
My thoughts however weren't on Erika. They were on Anna's impending move. We'd known each other for most of our lives and now she would be gone. Watching Erika move was like watching Anna move twice. I think Anna must have thought the same as we both started to cry and our grips on each others hands tightened.
The lorry slowly pulled away and we walked slowly towards the house. As we approached Mrs Donald signalled that we could go into the house. It was empty. We stood just inside the entrance as Erika misty eyed walked around the house obviously remembering things that had occurred during the year she'd been there.
Eventually she noticed us standing there watching. She wandered up trying to keep control of her emotions and Anna let go of my hand. We all embraced into a group hug and Erika's barriers crumbled. We sobbed on each others shoulders until we were interrupted by Mr Donald.
"Erika its time to go," he gently said.
We released each other and Erika gave me a tight hug, "Thanks for being my friend," she whispered into my ear. I hope we see each other again."
"Me to," I said tears still running down my cheeks, "Me to."
We all left the house and Anna and I stood at the end of the drive once again hand in hand giving each other as much comfort as we could. Erika climbed into the car as Mr Donald secured the house for the final time. We waved as the car started and slowly drove out of view.
We stood there silently in remembrance of our friend. Then we set off together. Neither of us had told the other; it just happened. Soon we were walking along a long abandoned canal; the aroma of the stagnant waters weren't as oppressive as in the heat of the summer. The week glow of the sun occasionally gleamed through the bare branches of the trees. The dry leaves that still covered the ground acted as a good blanket and we settled down to relax.
When we grew up this used to be our favourite hideaway. Hardly anybody came down the old towpath especially during the winter. Anna looked tired and didn't appear to have been sleeping well. I patted my thigh and Anna giving a smile sat on it. We snuggled and kissed as I gently rocked my love.
I opened my eyes to a strange warbling sound. I looked up and saw that the sun had changed positions and was now low in the sky. We must have fallen asleep. The insistent ringing of the phone eventually woke Anna, who for once hadn't been snoring, opened her eyes and stretched just as the phone stopped ringing.
She giggled and said, "You missed it."
"Appears so," I responded giving her a little tickle.
She moved off my lap and a rubbed my numb legs. I fished out the phone from my pocket and peered at the screen. It showed "1 Missed Call". I investigated further and found out it was our home. I returned the call.
"Hi Mum," I said as she finished her greeting.
"I just wondered if Anna wanted to join us for tea."
I glanced at my watch as saw it was three. In about an hour it would be going dark.
"Do you want to eat with us tonight?" I asked Anna who was now stood up and brushing leaves that had stuck to her jeans.
"That would be nice. It’s a bit depressing at home with everything packed."
I put the phone back to my face and said to Mum, "If that’s okay then she'd love to."
With the phone again stored in my pocket I stood and we made our way back towards civilisation. With the sun low in the sky we didn't want to be caught in the dark so close to water. Memories of Mums reaction when, aged eight, I came home dripping wet were still strong and I didn't want a repeat lecture.
We made our way through the centre of the village and we chatted about some of the things we had done. We’d both missed lunch so I purchased a small cake for each of us from the bakery. It was just enough to quell the hunger pangs but not spoil our appetite.
People we knew from school saw us walk through the village but we were left alone. The temperature was dropping and a slight frost was developing on some of the cars parked along the roadside.
When we got home we were beginning to feel the cold and were glad to enter the warmth of the house. Mum as per usual popped her head round the door as we entered and ushered us both into the lounge where she turned on the gas fire. Soon the coals were glowing and we sat dangling our now bare feet to warm them up.
The last evening we would spend together passed all too quick. Mum and Beth gave us the privacy we wanted and we spent the time in the lounge enjoying being together. As the chime of the wall clock struck nine Mum knocked on the door and said, "Anna should go back soon as she has a lot to do tomorrow."
"Okay," Anna and I replied simultaneously.
We spent the next few minutes kissing but soon we knew we couldn't put off Anna going any longer.
"I'll walk you back," I offered as we put our coats on.
"Thanks", she replied.
We stepped into the hall where we saw Mum walking down the stairs.
"I'm just walking Anna home," I informed Mum.
"It's been a real pleasure knowing you," said Mum to Anna as they both embraced.
"Thanks," was all Anna could say as again she burst into tears. I put my arms around her and comforted her. Mum wandered into the lounge leaving us alone.
When Anna had calmed down we walked up to her house. As she went in I saw boxes everywhere. The coat hook in the hall had gone and it looked more like a shell. It was no longer the warm home that I'd known. The photographs that donned the lounge were no longer there and all that was left were bare walls.
I said a quick goodbye as being in here was making me depressed. This was a place that would soon be somebody else's home.
I walked home in a sombre mood knowing what tomorrow would bring. I know life must change but I'd had enough change already when Dad moved away. Why did I have to loose my girlfriend as well?
When I got home I just went straight to bed. I was glad that I didn't see Mum or Beth. As I snuggled under the duvet I reflected on life and gently sobbed into my pillow. My life as I knew it would never be the same. I would have no real friends at school and outside school I would be alone.
Eventually I drifted off to a fitful sleep. At just past one in the morning I awoke finding that I’d been crying in my sleep. I wandered to the toilet to find it occupied by Beth. When she came out she found me sitting on the floor, my back to the opposite wall and my face full of tear marks. I got up and relieved myself. When I eventually came out Beth was waiting for me and led me to her room. Made up was a camp bed.
"I made the bed up earlier just in case Anna wanted to spend the night. I think you need somebody with you tonight and tomorrow night."
"Won't Mum be upset with me sleeping in the same room as a girl?"
"I think Mum trusts you not to do something wicked with your own sister," she replied with a smile.
Eventually I again fell asleep with thoughts of ten wonderful years with Anna. I woke up twice and Beth comforted me as I gradually transferred the box of tissues into the waste bin.
When I eventually awoke in the morning the sun had already risen. Beth was awake, still under her duvet, watching me.
"You okay little brother?"
"I think so. What's the time?"
"Quarter to nine."
Tears began to leak from my face again but I made no effort to hide them.
"What's wrong?" gently asked Beth.
"The removal truck will be there. It was going to be there at eight," I responded through the tears.
Beth calmed me down and when the tears were gone shooed me back to my room while she got ready.
When I came down for breakfast Mum was making some toast and had put several different jams on the table.
"I thought this would slip down nicely," she said as I took my seat. A few minutes later we were joined by Beth who looked almost as tired as me.
The breakfast was eaten in virtual silence which I was quite relieved about. Any normal discussion would probably have had me breaking down in tears.
As I went to clean my teeth I heard Mum say to Beth, "Thanks for looking after Bill last night. Was it as bad as we thought it would be?"
"Worse. Even when he was asleep he appeared to be suffering some type of bad dream. I don't think tonight will be any better"
I'd gone through the bad dreams and Beth didn't know half of what I'd dreamt. I hopped they were wrong about tonight but I very much doubted it. I got ready and after putting on a thick jumper and coat with trepidation set off to say farewell to Anna.
When I arrived the lorry was filling up fast. They had more to move as they'd lived there for so long. I stood on their grass watching as their worldly goods were carried and placed into the lorry. After about fifteen minutes a removal man walked up with a steaming hot cup of coffee.
"The young girl in the house thought you'd appreciate this," he said.
"Thanks," I said as he walked back to carry out more boxes.
At nearly eleven the house was empty and the lorry set off for Milton Keynes. I went into the house and saw Anna sat on the floor in the corner of the lounge.
"Hi," I said as I sat next to her.
"It's all gone," she simply said.
"I know," I responded putting my arm around her.
Nothing more was said as we just sat there. There were no tears just a deep sadness at our impending forced split.
"It's time to go," said Mrs Scott walking into the lounge.
"Can we have a few minutes?" asked Anna.
"Of course," she replied. "I'll just be outside."
I leant across and gave her a tender kiss. "Will you give me a ring when you're unpacked?"
"If the phone isn't connected then I'll use Erika's which is."
"If you see anything of my Dad you will let me know."
"I can't," she responded with sadness. "Mum and Dad talked with me last night. We aren't allowed to see your Dad or Julia. If we do then we aren't allowed to talk with you about it."
"Don't worry," I reassured her. "I'm not surprised. Mum and your parents have taken great care to keep things secret. So don't look as I would hate for you to get into trouble."
I stood and pulled Anna up. Together our arms around each other we walked to the car.
"Good luck," I said as she got in. "I'll always love you."
"I'll always love you too," responded Anna tears starting to trickle down her beautiful face.
Mr Scott locked the house and they were on their way to their new house. I watched in silence as there car disappeared around the bend.
Anna was gone.
More [A Strange Attraction to Concrete Cows]
by Karen Page
Edited by Angel O'Hare
Chapter 10 - The End
The bus had come to an unscheduled stop and for the last hour hadn't moved. The sight of static traffic ahead didn't bring any comfort. Somebody three seats in front had telephoned a friend and it appears there was an accident just before the motorway junction. For the hundredth time I looked at my watch. In twenty minutes Mum would be home. Even if all the traffic disappeared it would take the bus ten to fifteen minutes to drop me off. Then another ten minutes to walk home. As I stared blankly at the non-moving traffic, I was looking at visions of my own impending death.
"Are you okay miss?" asked the elderly gentleman sat next to me. "You look white as a sheet."
"I'm fine thanks," I responded trying to keep from throwing up.
I looked away into the brown frozen fields on my left. Whatever crop the farmer had planted obviously hadn't started to show growth yet. I looked down at the bottom of my dress and legs covered with tights.
"Perhaps Mum might accept this as part of a joke," I thought to myself. That idea quickly vanished as I remembered what was in my bags; a skirt, a pair of ladies jeans, two tops, socks, tights and five pairs of panties.
The engine of the bus spluttered to life and started to slowly inch forward. "Perhaps Mum is running late," I thought. I might get away with it. Unfortunately, my hopes were dashed as we travelled no more than half a mile before we again shuddered to a halt.
The days since Anna left have been hell. When I got home after Anna left I went to my room and broke down. Since then I hadn't stepped out of the house. I couldn't even bring myself to attend church last Sunday. The only things that temporarily brightened my days were calls from Anna. Today, Tuesday the 4th January, was the day my Mum had gone back to work, the first day I'd left the house since Anna left and also the first day I'd dressed as a girl without help. This certainly would be a day to remember.
Mum was a firm but fair mother. She was extremely kind but if she was upset with you then the whole house would tremble with fear and trepidation. I tried to think when Mum was last angry and the only thing I could think of was with Dad. A few days later he'd moved to Milton Keynes. I doubt it could have been anything as serious as being caught dressed in women's clothing so I was certainly expecting the worst.
Over the next thirty minutes we occasionally inched forward until we were insight of the junction. A lorry had jackknifed and was blocking part of the roundabout. The police where directing traffic letting different junctions take turns to use the roundabout and go either way to avoid the lorry.
Eventually it was our turn. Our normal route, going clockwise, was blocked by the lorry so we had to swing right and go the wrong way round. Once past the junction the road was clear and we made our way towards my doom.
Mum was never late home so unless something had gone wrong with her car I didn't stand a chance. I thought about ringing home but didn't want to explain my lateness when I was so stressed out. I pondered on the situation and eventually dialled Beth's mobile.
"Hi Beth," I said, "It's your little sis here."
"WHAT!?" explained a shocked Beth. "Let me take this upstairs."
About fifteen seconds later an out of breath Beth said, "Right I'm away from listening ears. Now please don't say you're out as Jill."
"'Fraid so," I replied. "There was an accident on the way back and the bus is running about two hours late. I take it Mum is home."
"Oh yeah she's home. She is also upset about something that went wrong at work."
"Just my luck," I replied. "I take it there's no chance of you tying her to one of the kitchen chairs is there?"
Beth just giggled, "No. You seem to be taking your impending doom rather well."
"Well what other way is there? She was bound to find out one day. I'd just hoped it was when I was older."
The bus stopped to let me off and I trudged up the hill towards home. As I approached the house I noticed that the outside light was on. I crossed my fingers and hoped that as I opened the front door my Mum wouldn't hear me. I slowly turned the knob and opened the door. The aroma of a nicely cooked meal filtered up my nostrils.
"Ah your home," said Mum opening the kitchen door.
I stood there watching Mums reaction as she saw me.
"The meal will be ready in about half an hour," she said her face not giving anything away. Her eyes had been darting all over me, examining how I presented myself. "Go on into the lounge," she continued. "It looks like we need to have a chat."
Mum walked back into the kitchen and I just stood there stunned. I looked up and saw Beth watching from the top of the stairs. I was unsure why Mum appeared to be so calm and not screaming, it didn't make much sense. Beth seemed to understand my perplexity and she just shrug her shoulders indicating she didn't understand either.
Mum walked back out of the kitchen and said, "Beth, why don't you come down from the top of the stairs and join us." She again retreated back into the kitchen.
Beth came down the stairs and said, "How did she know I was there?"
"No idea," I replied. "However, I think we better go into the lounge before we get into trouble for not obeying Mum."
Mum came in carrying a tray with three wine glasses, three tumblers and a huge jug of freshly squeezed orange. She set it down on the coffee table and disappeared into the kitchen, returning this time with an open bottle of red wine.
"I know you only drink wine occasionally with a meal. However, you look very tense and worried so I thought this might calm you down a bit," explained Mum as she passed me a glass of the Californian wine.
"First things first," she started when she settled down in her chair. "What do you call yourself when your en femme?"
"Huh?" I stated still in Jill's voice and took a sip of wine. Then I saw Mums face frown. Ooops. "Sorry. I don't understand. What do you mean en femme?"
"What do you call yourself when you're dressed as a girl?"
This I could answer. "Jill," I replied. I then took a slightly larger sip of wine hoping the effects might deaden to sound of Mum impending verbal diatribe.
"I know Beth left early this morning," Mum said. "So I know you dressed yourself and appear to have done a fair job with your makeup. It looks like you learnt quite a lot playing Widow Twanky in the pantomime. Besides today how many times have you been out as Jill?"
"Only twice," I responded unsure of where Mum's questioning was leading. Mum didn't appear upset and I couldn't think why. I decided that for the moment I'd be better off not asking as it might set her off. She seemed deep in thought and I wondered what was going through her mind.
"Mmm," was her only utterance as she occasionally took a sip of wine.
"I take it one of the times was when you got up early to go shopping with Anna and Erika when their parents were house hunting. That night Beth said she hadn't seen Bill. I take it she did see Jill?"
"That was the first time out," I confessed. "Beth didn't have anything to do with it she just caught me."
Beth who had been on the orange juice decided the red wine might be a better bet, grabbed the last glass from the coffee table and poured herself a large glass full.
"Would you two stop worrying," said Mum putting her half drunk glass of wine down. "I'm not going to rip you to pieces. I just want to understand things. Now when was the other time?"
"The Wednesday before Christmas I went out with just Anna," I responded only slightly calmer.
"Interesting," responded Mum. "That was after you started officially seeing each other. How did she cope with you being Jill?"
I was shocked at how perceptive my Mum was. How did she know? If I didn't know better I would say that she knew somebody that had been through this situation before.
"Haven't you learnt yet that Mothers are all knowing?" she quipped seeing my face.
I gave a slight giggle at that which got another response from Mum, "That's sounds a lot better coming from Jill than Bill. If you're going to keep up the two roles then you need to work a lot harder at separating them. Boys don't giggle in that way but I've noticed that as Bill you've been doing so. Just be careful or people might either suspect or beat you up."
Wow, hang on there. Did Mum just accept Jill? I leaned across and whispered to Beth, "What have you done with our real Mum?"
Beth just sniggered and whispered back, "Search me but keep going; you're doing well."
Mum just looked at me as if she was waiting for me to say something. Oh yeah, she wanted to know about Anna's reaction. "At first she didn't know how to treat me and I was very worried. By the time we got to Wolverhampton I was very upset as we were hardly communicating. We had a quick chat to clear the air but things weren't the same. Later we bumped into Beth who took Anna away for a quick chat. After that things were better."
"So Beth what did you say to Anna? You didn't threaten her did you?" asked Mum
"Of course I didn't threaten her," said Beth sounding indignant. "Basically our chat was about who she loved and what she loved about them. She was seeing Jill as a separate person than Bill. I just reminded her that they were the same person."
"Is that it?" I asked as they were gone for nearly twenty minutes.
"Not quite. She was also concerned about how things would look being romantic with what appeared to be another girl. She knows a lesbian who came out a few years ago in a different area, some people took offence, and somebody physically hurt her."
"But that wouldn't happen here."
"You want a bet? Remember the strange assembly in early October about acceptance of gays? Well Jason Scanlon in my class came out as gay. About a dozen people got together and were going to lynch him. Fortunately the teachers heard and the gang were warned that if anything happened to him they would all be suspended and the police involved."
"No wonder she didn't want to hold my hand. After your chat she treated me like a very close sister. When we were on the bus she treated me like she treats Bill."
"She has one last concern which I think she still worries about but it is private," said Beth looking at Mum.
"I'll go and check on the meal," said Mum walking out the door.
I was getting thirsty so poured myself a glass of orange and at the same time topped up Beth's. "So?" I prompted her.
"Well," said Beth quietly, "She still worries that you're going to want to have a sex-change."
"She's still on about that?" I ranted my voice loosing its quietness. "We've talked about that a lot and she still worries."
"Shush," she hissed. "You know she's always fantasised about having children."
"I've told her many times that I might have to live as Jill but my defective body doesn't affect my ability to father children. I like having my penis and wouldn't want that to change. Though I think I'm too young to father a child yet."
"You'd better not or Mum will kill you. Then she'd pass the body to the Scott's for them to roast," she said giggling.
Mum came back in, "You two finished? Then let's eat and we can continue to discuss this afterwards. I don't want you stressed out during the meal so I insist on is that this doesn't get discussed till afterwards."
I just snorted. I didn't mean it to come out but it did. "Sorry but I don't see how I can stop worrying as I don't know what punishment your going to give me."
Mum sighed and said, "Have I ever said that dressing in women's clothes is against any rules?"
"No," I answered hesitantly.
"Then how can I punish you for it? In fact we only discussed a few weeks ago how I'd been giving you girls trousers for some time as they fit you better."
"So why so many questions?" asked Beth.
"I just want to know the situation," Mum explained, "If Bill wants to dress as Jill then that his choice but if he does then he must do it safely. Are you happier now?"
Beth and I nodded and we had a rather nice meal. I was still dressed as Jill and Mum didn't appear to mind. Beth chatted away and bizarrely this was one of the best meals I'd eaten since Anna had gone.
After Beth and I had washed up and cleaned the table we joined Mum in the lounge. For once there was no music on and she looked like she expected the earlier conversation to continue.
"Do you mind if I ask some more questions?" Mum asked.
"No," I answered warily as I still had some lingering worries. Mum was always truthful about things and if she didn't want to answer something she wouldn't lie but tell us straight that she wouldn't answer.
"Do you want to be a girl? Do you want to have a sex-change?"
I sighed, "No Mum I don't want to have a sex change. I have a dodgy body that has a female shape and female clothes fit better. I asked Anna and Erika for help as they were leaving and I needed somebody to teach me things I might need if my body got more feminine. I just didn't expect to like it as much as I do."
"So would you like to keep your male equipment but live as a woman?"
"I'm not sure," I confessed. "I've only been out three times."
"Well you seem to be thinking about things," commented Mum.
"Why are you so okay with this?" I asked. "I was expecting you to be upset."
"All I want is you to be happy", she replied.
"It's not just that, is it?" asked Beth who had been thinking hard for the last few minutes. "You know too much about this. You know somebody who's lived as the opposite sex or had a sex-change?"
"Yes," Mum confessed, "I know a transsexual but please don't ask who as I won't say."
Beth slipped back into deep thought. You could almost here the cogs turning. If she kept this up I'm sure I'd start to see smoke coming from her ears.
"So what did you buy?" Mum asked.
I got the bag and handed it too her. When she finished going through it she said, "You've been taught well as these are the type of things any girl you age would get. Some people starting off would get inappropriate items which would make them stand out. You appear to not have fallen into that trap."
A look of satisfaction suddenly erupted over Beth's face. If this was a cartoon she would have a light bulb flashing over her head. "Julia is a transsexual isn't she?"
"I already told you I'm not going to tell you," said Mum showing no emotion to give away if Beth's guess was correct.
Beth ignored Mum's refusal and continued, "Dad told you about Julia and you couldn't cope with a transsexual in the family. Since Julia lives in Milton Keynes why doesn't Dad come back home? Julia's the transsexual not Dad."
"Beth," warned Mum. "I asked you not to ask about what I know. Dad also has asked you not to ask about what was going on."
Just then the telephone rang which Mum answered. "Hi love," she said. It must be Dad.
She listened to what he was saying and then she asked, "When are you back? Okay, I'll tell the children. Love you too."
Mum hung up the phone. "Dad's going away for a few days. He won't be back till next Wednesday. He'll still try to ring sometime this weekend but he might have chance. If not it will be next Wednesday."
That dampened our moods as our calls with Dad were something we both looked forward to.
***
When I came down the stairs Mum was already eating her bowl of cereal. I walked up to her and giving her a hug said, "Thanks for being so supportive."
"My pleasure," she said returning the hug. "But I think you should be using Bill's voice when you're dressed like that."
Ooops. I'd forgotten to switch back. "Is this better?" I asked in Bill's voice.
I settled down to my breakfast and soon Beth walked in. She wasn't in such a hurry as she had a doctor's appointment at ten, which Mum was taking her to.
"I'm sorry I tried to wheedle information out of you," she apologised.
"That's okay," said Mum giving her daughter a kiss on her cheek. "Just remember the rules next time. They're there to protect you."
Soon I was on the way to school. For the first time in years I was making the journey on my own. When I got to the school door I noticed that I'd made the journey in record time. Strange, I must walk quicker without the girls.
As the crowds began to gather I made my way to the library. I would have gone to the music practice rooms but I knew they wouldn't be open yet. As expected the library was deserted so I thought I would attempt to find information about last nights discussion. Mum had referred to Transsexuals so I thought I would try and find some information. I searched but the only two references I could find were a short entry in the encyclopaedia and an even shorter entry in the dictionary. Perhaps the school didn't think it was a topic that children should know about.
When the bell for morning registration rang I made my way to the classroom. I took my normal seat next to the two empty ones that previously were occupied by Anna and Erika. As the teacher opened the class register I noticed two red lines crossed through their names. As far as the school was concerned, they were no more.
I sat quietly in the room as people chatted away about what happened during the Christmas break. This was not a conversation that I wanted to get into. Thinking about the departure of Anna just tore into my heart. The only person I was glad not to see in the class was Tom. I hopped that he'd been moved into another class but I knew people were never moved like that.
At just before eleven the school secretary, Miss Walker, came into the classroom and had a quiet whisper with the teacher.
"Bill can you please go with Miss Walker," asked the teacher.
As it was towards the end of the lesson I packed my bag and followed her.
"Where are you taking me?" I asked her.
"The headmaster asked to see you urgently," was the only information she would give.
When I got to the headmasters office instead of being asked to wait I was shown straight in. As I went in Mrs Harries who had been steaming down the corridor behind me was also told to go straight in.
Inside Mr Yates cramped and cluttered office sat two police officers. I began to panic. Had somebody got the police involved about Tom? Surely not as it was just a prank; it wasn't anything to involve the police with.
Mrs Harries also looked worried and looked questioningly at me. I just shrugged. I had no idea what was happening.
When we were seated one of the policeman said, "I'm PC Harry Ralph and this is PC Wendy Humphreys. Can you please confirm that your Paula Harries and Bill Toms?"
Mrs Harries and I both confirmed our identities.
"I've got some very sad news for both of you. This morning at approximately quarter to ten there was a road traffic accident involving two vehicles. The first car was driven by Mr Peter Harries and had Tom Harries as a passenger. The other car was driven by Mrs Carol Toms and had Beth Toms as a passenger."
"How are they?" asked a stunned Mrs Harries.
"You husband suffered only minor cuts and was treated on scene. Your son however is being transferred to Birmingham Children's Hospital due to extensive injuries to his lower body."
"And my Mum and sister?" I prompted the policeman.
"They have both been taken to New Cross hospital. They are both in surgery."
"How did the accident happen?"
"Witness reports are still being collated. However your husband, when breathalysed, was found to be four times over the legal limit. Initial indications are that he swerved in front of Mrs Toms car causing a collision."
"What will happen to him?" Mrs Harries asked.
"He has had his cuts dealt with and has been arrested. He is currently at Cannock police station."
"Good," she said. "I hope he rots there." She then turned to Mr Yates, "Is it okay if I have an emergency leave of absence so I can be with my son?"
"Of course," he answered. The turning to me he said, "Would you like me to take you to the hospital?"
"Thanks," I replied.
Mr Yates then picked up the phone on his desk and dialled his secretary. "Rachel, can you please bring in Bill Toms emergency contact detail."
Miss Walker came into the room with a single A4 piece of paper and handed it to her boss before leaving the room again
"Strange," he said looking at the sheet. "I don't have a contact number for your Dad just somebody called Julia."
"My Dad is away for a week," I said as last nights conversation filtered back into my brain. "Can I use the phone to call his office? They will know how to contact him."
Mr Yates just turned the phone round and said, "Dial 9 for an outside line."
I fished into my pocket and pulled out my diary. In it I had Planetwides number. "Hello," I said to the receptionist. "Can you put me through to Mr Scott, head of personnel?"
I was on hold for a few seconds. As I waited the policeman's radio crackled into life and he went outside. When it was answered I heard, "Mr Scott's office, Melanie speaking."
"Hi Melanie, can I speak with Mr Scott."
"I'm sorry but Mr Scott is currently in a meeting. I'm Mr Scott's secretary, can I help you?"
"No. This is an emergency, can you interrupt the meeting? My name is Bill Toms. My Dad works for Planetwide and his wife has just been involved in a serious road accident."
"I'll see what I can do, please hold."
While I waited the policeman came back. I've an update for you both. First you Bill, your sister is out of surgery and is expected to be fine. Your mother, however, is not looking as good and the doctors really need you and your Dad to visit."
He then turned to Mrs Harries, "Your son has finished being assessed and the hospital needs to speak with you regarding treatment."
I felt numb as I waited on the end of the phone. I was too shocked to cry and my heart was beating like a piston. Eventually I hear, "Hi Bill, Melanie says that your Mum's been in an accident."
"Both Mum and Beth were involved. Beth's going to be okay but the hospital says Mum isn't looking too good and has asked that Dad come urgently. Dad rang last night and said he was going to be away for a week. Do you have contact details?"
"I don't but I know who will," said Mr Scott all professional. "Are they at New Cross hospital in Wolverhampton?"
"Yes. Though I'm not sure what ward."
"Just turn on your mobile and I will get your Dad to ring you."
"Thanks," I said putting down the phone.
I looked up at Mr Yates, "Can we go now," I asked in a slightly trembling voice as I started to loose control of my emotions.
"Is there anything else?" he asked the police.
"No," they replied standing up. "We'll be on our way"
As we left the office we saw Mrs Harries coming out of the Deputy Heads office. "How's Tom?" he asked her.
"Not good. He has fractured legs and pelvis, a ruptured spleen, and it looks like part of his penis was severed."
I cringed at the thought of damage to my penis. "Are they going to have to make him a girl?" I asked.
Mr Harries shuddered when I made that insensitive comment, "I thing they're going to try and perform some plastic surgery to try and repair it. Though they say it's too early to tell how successful that will be."
Mrs Harries rushed to her car and with a squeal of tyres disappeared at speed into the distance.
During the journey to the hospital my mobile went off. I squinted through my blurry eyes at the display and it said DAD. "Oh Dad" I said as I answered the phone. I lost control of my emotions and burst into tears.
"George has just told me what has happened. I'm on the way to the airport and will be on a flight in about an hour. I should be at the hospital in about three hours. I've just got to the airport now and once checked in will ring the hospital. Hang on."
I hear the taxi driver say, 'That'll be twelve pounds fifty.'
Dad responded with, 'Keep the change.'
I then think I heard the taxi driver say 'Thanks love.' But it got muffled with the slam of a door.
"You won't be able to have your mobile on in the hospital so just hold tight. I'm on my way."
"But I thought you didn't want us to see you before we'd both left school."
"Or the circumstances changed. I think this is definitely a change in circumstances."
When we pulled into the hospital car park it was full. However, we were lucky as somebody was just leaving so within five minutes we were parked; paid the parking fee and were on the way to Accident and Emergency.
When we entered Accident and Emergency the waiting area was packed. A sign stated that the current waiting time was four hours. When the person before us had finished at reception we walked forward, "I believe a Carol and Beth Toms were brought in after a road accident. This is Carol's son. I'm his head teacher."
"Let me see," she said consulting her computer screen. "Ah yes. Beth is currently in ICU and Carol is in surgical recovery."
"Can you tell me how to get to surgical recovery?"
Armed with required directions we went in search of my Mum.
At the wards reception we again asked about my Mum. "Your Mum isn't very well," explained the nurse. "Let me get the doctor who will explain."
We sat down in a pair of stiff plastic chairs. When the doctor turned up our bottoms were beginning to feel sore.
"Hi, I'm Dr Patel. I take it your Bill Toms. However you are?" he asked looking at Mr Yates.
"I'm Keith Yates. I'm the headmaster where Bill goes to school."
"Ah," he said and then turned to me. "I've spoken with your father just after he last spoke with you and he is fully informed of your mother's condition. He said that when you arrived you were told to be fully apprised to the situation. However, due to client patient confidentiality, I'm not allowed to tell Mr Yates. If you come with me Bill I'll bring you up to speed. A nurse, Stacey Hill, will be there to make sure your okay."
"I'll see you later," I said to Mr Yates as I followed the doctor. I expected to go to an office but instead we went into a nice room with nicely padded easy chairs. There was a two seater settee which a nurse, who I suppose was Stacey, was sat. She looked like she was in her late twenties and had her brunet hair tied back into a high pony tail. Stacey indicated I should sit next to her and the doctor sat opposite.
"Let's start with your sister, Beth. She had minor surgery to repair a broken arm. She sustained a head injury which has resulted in a short term coma. We don't know how long the coma will last but we fully expect her to make a full recovery. Your mother however was very seriously injured as she took the full impact of the crash. I won't list all her injuries but they are too extensive to repair. There's no easy way to say this but she isn't expected to last more than another five or six hours."
At that point my emotions which had just settled down again fully bloomed and I became an emotional wreck. Stacey was there for me and kindly comforted me till I regained a little composure.
"Would you like to be with her?" he asked. "Before you answer please be aware that she is on two drips and has a monitor checking her vital signs. Therefore the room might look a little clinical."
"I want to be with her till the end," I said wiping the last remaining tears from my eyes. "Will it be okay if Mr Yates goes back to school? I promise to behave even though my Dad isn't here."
"I'll often be in the room checking on his mother," said Stacey backing me up with the doctor.
"Okay," he said relenting, "but don't tell anyone or I'll get it in the neck."
I walked back to see Mr Yates. He was stood by the torture chairs. I presume he couldn't take sitting on them any longer.
"Are you okay?" he asked when he saw my dishevelled look and tear stained face.
"I won't need you to take me back to school," I said. "So there is little point you hanging around. I want to stay with Mum till the end, which isn't long away." I said my heart aching at the impending loss. "Since Dad lives in Milton Keynes I don't even know if I'll be back at your school at all."
Mr Yates looked shocked at my revelation and sat back down on a chair. I think he thought Mum was just badly injured. "How long does she have," he asked in an unsteady voice.
"They're not sure," I replied. "They think five or six hours."
As I left with Stacey I heard him ask the nurse manning reception if there was a chapel where he could go and pray.
When I entered the room where Mum was I was shocked how cluttered the room was. To the right of the bed was a monitor showing heartbeat and blood pressure. It was bleeping in time with the heartbeat. On either side were two drips.
"What are the drips for?" I asked.
"The one on the left is a saline drip to keep her hydrated. The one on the right is for pain relief; without that your Mum would be in a lot of pain."
As I got closer I saw Mum was asleep. Her face was bruised and she didn't look at all well.
"Will she wake up at all?" I asked.
"Probably," she replied, "Why don't you sit next to her and talk to her. If you want to hold her hand then that's fine. However, be careful not to disturb the drip."
Stacey pulled up a chair next to the bed so I could be close. I sat myself down next to Mum and said, "Hi Mum."
"That's it. You talk to her. She might not respond straight away but she will hear what you say to her. I'll leave you two alone for a while but I'll be around if you need me."
I sat there wondering what to say. As I thought I gently stroked her hand. I thought of some of the good times that we'd had together; the holidays, the trips away, just the four of us together playing monopoly. It then dawned on me that my hopes of one day being a complete family were gone for ever. Even though I might have Dad back I would never have Mum. When Beth recovered, it would still be just three of us.
I began to recount some of the holidays that I remembered. The first I recounted was the holiday we had at Oban in Scotland where it rained all week. Next came the summer mountain holiday in Switzerland where Dad got terribly burnt legs
I felt her hand twitch a bit. She didn't open her eyes or say anything but I'd got some response so I continued recounting the happy times. The holidays progressed to the one we had in Jersey and how much fun we'd had on that tiny island.
"I remember that," said a quiet voice. I looked around the room and then realised it was Mum. She was awake.
"Hi Mum," I said. "I love you so much."
"Me too," she replied her voice labouring. "How bad am I?"
I thought about lying to her. Telling her she would be okay but I couldn't. I wasn't brought up like that.
"Not good I'm afraid," I said trying to be brave. I looked across at the door and saw Stacey standing there. She just nodded as if to say that I was doing the right thing and again left me alone.
"Am I dying?" she asked with fear in her voice.
"That's what the doctor said."
"Then you must tell Dad."
"I have. He was in Scotland and will be here soon. He said the circumstances had changed."
Mum went quiet again so I just continued to stoke her hand. After a few minutes silence I started telling her again about some of the good times. I started this time recounting when she surprised me with a trip to London how we'd gone on the London Eye, going to the British museum and then on to see a proms concert with a lovely meal in the Royal Albert Hall restaurant.
"I remember that meal," said Mum as she awoke for the second time.
"Welcome back."
"Did I drift off?" she asked.
"Just for a little bit."
Stacey popped her head round the door. "Your Dad has just left Birmingham airport and should be here in less than an hour." Then she disappeared before I could say thank you.
"You must tell Dad about Jill," she said.
"I can't," I replied as I started to shake in fear.
"You can't shut her away again. She's a part of you. Dad will understand."
Mum fell silent once again. Oh what should I do? I couldn't tell him. Mum may think he'd understand but how could he. He wouldn't know how good it felt wearing women's clothes. No, when Mum died I would let Jill die too. With that decision made I continued recounting trips we'd made. How two years ago Dad had taken us to New York for a short break just after thanksgiving. The wonderful time I had skating in Rockefeller square. How we'd eaten at Le Cirque and then gone to the top of the empire state building and looked over the city that never sleeps.
As I was reliving that happy times Stacey came in with Dad. He'd changed quite a bit. His hair was longer and in a pony tail. He had on a baggy jumper and what looked like a new pair of trousers.
"New trousers?" I asked.
"Got them while I waited for the plane," he said sitting next to me. "I thought I better look nice for Mum. How is she?"
"Weak. Very weak. She's woken twice and said a bit."
"Does she know she's dying?"
"I know," she said awakening for the last time.
I swapped seats with Dad so he could be closer and he gently took hold of her hand.
Her eyes opened slightly. "Hi Andrew," she said. "I love you and Julia so much. Please forgive me for being so stupid."
"I love you too," he said tears flowing feely down his face. "And there isn't anything really to forgive. I have loved you from the first moment we met and have done ever since."
"You must tell Bill and Beth," she said. "They will understand."
Her eyes closed once more and she drifted back off to sleep. I took Dad in my arms and we just wept onto each others shoulders. There seemed to be a slight aroma of roses that was emanating from Mum.
Stacey who was passing noticed the smell and looked at the monitor. "Now's the time for you to say your final goodbyes," she said as she walked back out.
"Bye Mum," I said tears still steaming down my face. "Save a space in heaven for the rest of us."
"Bye sweetheart. I love you and I'll always love you." was all that Dad could clearly say. His face was awash with anguish.
Soon after the bleep of monitor stopped beeping and became a continuous noise.
Stacey quietly walked in and switched it off.
Mum was gone and Jill had gone with her.
THE END
Note:
The continuing story of some of these characters is occasionally mentioned in [A New Style of Education]