Once upon a time, (yes I know it's cliché), a young boy sneaked into his sister's room in their home in a small town in New York. His sister had gone away for the night to stay at a friend’s house, giving the boy an opportunity he could not pass up. After checking to see that his parents were asleep, he went into his sister’s room and very quietly closed the door.

After taking off all his clothes, he opened his sister’s dresser. From the top 2 drawers he got a bra and panties. He hurried to put them on, almost as if he was afraid that they would disappear. Rolling up some socks, he tried to make some pretend breasts. No matter how hard he tried, the now filled bra cups were still very lumpy. This hurt the boy very much. He wanted them to be real, or at least to look real.

Opening his sister’s closet, he took out his sister’s very best dress, one she’d worn to a dance. It was black with white sleeves, and covered in ruffles. He put it on very slowly, afraid of hurting it. He pulled the dress all the way up, but unfortunately, no matter how hard he tried, he could not get the zipper all the way up.

Looking at the reflection in the mirror, he so badly wanted to see a pretty girl there, but she was nowhere to be found. The reflection showed a ridiculous looking little boy in his sisters clothes. Looking away from the mirror with a big empty spot in his heart, he took of the dress.

He climbed into his sister’s bed still wearing the bra and panties. Lying in bed, he tried to imagine what it would be like to be a girl.

All of a sudden his mom was shaking him awake. After his mom left the boy looked down and saw that his shoulder was uncovered. The bra stuck out like a sore thumb, and he started to worry.

’She had to have seen it,’ he thought to himself. ’How could she have not seen it? Why didn’t she say anything? Is she going to tell Dad? Oh, man, she's going to tell Dad. I'm going to be in so much trouble.’

To the boy’s amazement, nothing happened. Nothing was said about it. The boy sneaked into his sister’s room many times after that, trying on her clothes and makeup. He sometimes even attempted to fix his hair with her curling iron, but had no idea how to do it.

Eventually the boy became too big to fit into his sisters clothes any more. He had been going out for sports for a long time. He did little league baseball, summer league soccer, Pee Wee football and wrestling. He wanted to be a good boy, to prove to others and himself that he could do these things like other boys. Unfortunately, he didn’t have any athletic abilities. Many times he came home after practices and games lied to his father about how well he did. But this just made him feel horrible. Each lie just added more and more to the ever growing pile of shame that filled the boy’s heart.

Then too, he was becoming overweight. Steroids for asthma and a bad diet had caused him to pack on the pounds. He was now the heaviest kid in school and his fellow students took every opportunity to remind him of this.
He began to retreat into books, using fantasy worlds to hide from the pain of this one.

His parents divorced, and he and his sister left their mother and moved to Georgia to live with their father and new step-mother.

A new school, a better one than the old one. The kids were nicer and more upbeat. He didn’t get picked on for his weight much here, but he did get picked on for being a Yankee. Some of the kids kept trying to get him to fight. He hated fighting. He is a gentle person. Unfortunately no one understood that. Not even his father.

He still dreamed about being a girl. He read more than ever now. The books he readmore and more often had a woman as the central character of the story. He got a lot of guilt trips from his mother and grandmother about leaving them to go live with his dad. Finally the boy just retreated into himself, hiding in his room, watching his TV and read his books. He blocked out the real world, trying to hide from the pain.

Finally, high school ended. The boy got a job in a factory and gets his own apartment. He had opportunities to express himself. The only problem was, he had no idea how to do that.

He managed to get a couple pairs of panties, but you don't want to know where he got them, so please don't ask. Within a year he was laid off and moved in with his sister in Kentucky. Before he did, he threw his beloved panties away. He was afraid that if he did not, then his sister would find them. Now the only outlet he had for his feelings was in erotic fiction. He read the stories over and over again. He would run the stories through his head and imagine himself as the woman in the story. The only comfort he had was his books, and food. Eventually he returned to New York in search of work,where he got a full time job at a hospital as an orderly. It was good work and he loved it very much. He worked around women all day long. So many women. So many different kinds of hairdos. So many beautiful bodies. His feelings are now stronger than ever.

In the year 2005, something wonderful happened. He got a computer with internet access, and could use internet porn as a release now.

Then one magical day, he found a link to a gender transformation video on Youtube. That changed everything for him. He became obsessed with the videos. Every time he got online he was watching transformation videos. One of the video's descriptions made a reference to a web site called TG comics and stories. He went there, and found some wonderful stories, and some awful ones too.

He found the links page, and from there he went to dozens of different sites and each one fueled his imagination, but even more importantly they fueled his desire to be female.

The sad thing was, at the time all these stories were making him feel better, his weight continued to pile on and his loneliness just got worse.

He finally came to a site called Big Closet-Top Shelf. Here his favorite stories and authors made their home. It took over 2 years to muster up the courage to register as a user. Then he made contact with others like himself for the first time. All this, coupled with a burning desire to express himself, compelled the boy to write his feelings down as a poem and post them on line. He received a lot of support from others on the site. All of this helped the boy and hurt him at the same time. He began to muster the courage to express himself even more, while at the same time his feminine side grew stronger, begging for something feminine to wear.

Then one day his sister and her son paid him and their mother a visit. He let his sister use his computer, only he forgot to put her on the guest profile.

When he realized it, he was afraid. He thought for sure that she would find all the TG stuff on his computer. When he finally got his computer back, he tried to log into Top Shelf. When he started typing his username, a list of names popped up underneath. This had never happened to him on this site before. Even worse, all the names there were his sister’s. She had attempted to access his info on the site.

“Oh my God. What am I going to do?" He was panicking, almost on the verge of tears. ‘She's going to tell mom, I know it. Mom will throw me out, and then I'll have nothing.’

In his distress, he reached out to his online friends through his blog. With their support he was able to calm down and wait out the coming storm. To his surprise, his sister never said a word about it. A couple days later she and her son went home. Even though he was in the clear, his stress and anxiety continue to mount.

Instant messaging his friends helped. He made a new friend and they chatted every day. She helped him come to terms with a lot of issues. But still, his anxiety about being in the closet hurt him. One Saturday he called his sister. He wanted her to ask him about the websites. He wanted it more than anything. She did ask him if there was anything that he wanted to talk about.

" Yes, yes there is, Please help me." He wanted to cry out.

But sadly, he couldn't get the words to come out. Later he called his father. His dad jokingly questioned his son’s sexuality and pressured the boy to hurry up and give him some grandchildren. This was nothing new, he did this every time they talked.

He's never felt so down, so alone and desperate for attention. He talked with his friend online. She helped him to stay sane. After talking it over with her, he came to the realization that it was time to come out to his sister.

He typed the letter and attached it to an email. He called her first, telling her that he wanted to tell her something in an email, but first she had to swear to secrecy and never tell their mom about it.

She started to get worried, afraid that he was going to hurt himself. He reassures her that he was not. He just needed to tell her about something that he'd been dealing with for a long time.

She agreed and he sent the email. After that he freaked out. He was so afraid that he had just ruined his life and his family would never talk to him again. His online friend tried to keep him calm. He wished she were there with him, so he would not be home alone waiting for his sister’s answer.

Finally his sister sent him an email. He just sat there looking at the subject line for about 5 minutes, afraid to look at it. He was afraid that actually opening it was going to hurt, much less what was inside. Finally he opened the email.

IT WAS OK!!!!!!

His sister would support him. He sent a reply email to his sister thanking her, and telling her how much that meant to him. He was so happy that he went right to Top Shelf and put up a new blog about it. He wanted to share his good news with everyone!!!!

He was so happy and excited that it took forever to go to sleep that night. He spent most of the time chatting with his friend. He was so anxious. He wanted to do everything at once. Learn to do makeup, grow his hair out, and learn how to style it. He really wanted to learn how to do his nails. Eventually he remembered that he was still in the closet to the rest of the world, and he did not have any privacy to do these things at home.

He made himself a promise, "I'll just have to be patient a little while longer. But then, Jessica comes out to play."

The end

I would like to thank my editor Holly Logan for taking the time to edit my story. I know she has a lot on going on with her life and I am very gratefull for her help.

I would also like to thank my friend Jennifer(Jengrl). You have been there for me and helped me through the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. You've been very supportive and you've been a good friend and my muse. Thank you.