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I am so unclear & confused about things lately.
I've always been overly focused with singular or semi-singular or connected singular goals, but easily hurdled by various issues, in my life. For years, my works have been either put on hold or derailed from various intrusions, several of which was computer malfunctions, often brought on by scam artists & hackers.... domestic abuse & seeking shelter where during that time, things would be once again put on hold & derailed... all while having to get things fixated, healed & the like before i had the stability to continue my 'hobby' of writting.
Many things you know, some you dont know. I know I have made it amply clear, that my emotional & psychological state is sliding poorly downwards & my health is becoming an additional stressor. Though thats a mere undertone to the foundation of my problems.
Ive been in therapy long enough to know that much of my problems, stem from my various psychological & emotional conditions, such as depression & bpd etc.
Though there feels to be something more... unique, amiss & utterly complex that while it may have been there before.... it seems to be a building issue im getting more concerned about. I don't doubt for a second, that it may very well be my age, mortality maybe midlife crisis, laugh as you will as im only nearing 35.... yes many of those ive spoken too about this elder then myself have brushed me off usualy with a dig of humor.
The current state, of our social decline universally is taking its toll... im sad to say, even here in Canada, its beginning to faulter to the bigotted nonsense of the US & UK.... Those close to me already know if they force me to revert/detransition etc like the US, Russia & the UK are trying to enforce there..... I am done with this current lifetime, I am very dead serious.
There is such a huge growth, being reported of bigotry, xenophobia, homophobia & even transphobia... that im getting worried & extremely saddened..... like not to gloat... but as Canadians we have been practically the go-to for universal acceptance of diversity for a very long time & to see that decline, is absolutelly heartbreaking. True, i did NOT grow up in a diverse accepting household, quite the opposite, its taken years of therapy & social restructure to change the bigotry i was raised with. Not proud of it, but I am not perfect & sometimes it unintentionally pops out.... usually after or during conversations with my mother, whom has only gotten worse since our estrangement.
Dad passed several months ago & broke my heart, despite having done so previously... he had been the main support of my transition but in his will he deadnamed me & completely gutted me emotionally I have yet to get over it.
Nothing I enjoy, seems to locate in me any real enjoyment... I find myself going with the flow but its all just.... dry.
I've been trying to get some writing done, though, without the right emotional stasis its a no-go yet again. Most of my life, i had wanted to be a great writer, for the first what 2-4 years on here I did well for fresh out of highschool, up until the end when i got busy & sped through the last chapter of my novel on here... i still regret that massively, especially as I have for a very long time, even prior had soooooo many more ideas & avenues to take it... still might yet.
I have yet to see a doctor, but... since early novemeber, I have been extremly ill yet again.... I think i might be the C-plague again, though having it twice or thrice, im a bit paranoid, being a hypochondriac.... it only adds to my hysteria, as you can imagine. much of which causing me to sleep for much of the time, when not incapable of it.
Something, inside me just feels off, cannot put my finger on it, outside of speculations that come up short.
I do currently have roughyl 2-4 dozen stories underway, one of which due to not having a computer at that time, it is written down & not typed, one of the others, though that is typed has too many inconsistencies that need to be rehashed & another needs to be seriously reworked. I am even trying to recreate my original story, with better writing, less juvenile etc. So I do apologize, im trying it will take time. The one thats wrote down, but not finished is primarily a xmas' story similar to a xmas carol meets its a wonderful world meets generational overlapped indifferences in historical sequences... its a bittersweet tale im hoping to have ready by next/this xmas. My writing has at least i think so, changed alot since a decade ago, so theres that i guess lol.
I misplaced my glasses & being on disability, cannot even consider unless paying out of pocket, getting a new pair for at least a couple years, as per ODSP regulations. So please be kind & patient.
Some of my hallucinations have faded, but some have increased, so in overall about that im less bonkers then i was when i was 3-4 years ago.
The lot of you, keep up the good work & know I care about all of you very much, so please be careful, have fun, be happy & if you can stay healthy.
I do try to read things that come up that suit my fancy, to which i have, thank you, your writings have been amazing.
I am aware my grammer is horrid & I am far off from being an editor lol so I apologize for being somewhat poorly scribed.
Love you all
Comments
Sorry, only a coupla little things to help ...
First, of course, a boat-load of Huggles, delivered at The Speed of Thought, via that mythical Aether-net.
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Then, eyeballs and computers. In addition to 'screen magnifiers', Windows has a lot of accommodations. Your local library should be very willing to help and teach. Windows has ways to adjust the mouse pointer size and speed, if that helps. Then, 'mouse trails'. As you move the mouse, it leaves a trail of shadows of where it's been for the last few seconds. This can make the pointer easier to find.
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Many word processors let you change font sizes (maybe even font color and background). Experiment, and see what helps. Don't fret; if you copy your text, and post it here, only the plain text comes through to us.
Then, many (I hope) Internet browsers easily adjust screen 'magnification'. In Opera, it's as easy as CTRL+Scroll wheel.
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Your grammar looks just fine.
Spelling and grammar. Most Word Processers include spell check, and the MS Word clone I'm using has weak grammar checking. "Joust donut tryst spill chock too git weirds rite." (Just do not trust spell check to get words right.) And homonyms over there in their software, well they're having too much trouble to fix in two days....
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PS: "Current events" and stories here ... I'm finding my life goes along with less stress if I avoid news reports. I also take seriously the Cautions and Warnings on stories here.
In another part of my life, what comes in my news feed, it would be all too easy to pick up second-hand PTSD. On one group, the stuff coming in, sometimes makes me 'bail out' in favor of a coupla hours of quality time with Sandy Bear, my plushie. And I'm a flippin >Moderator< on that group ??!?!?. >What< was I thinking???
Not being one of those……
With the gift of creation, I am in awe of anyone who can put pen to paper, or hand to keyboard, and spin a yarn. Knowing that most writers here do it not as a career, but rather as a hobby, makes it all the more incredible to one such as I. The effort required to simply live your life, let alone succeed at doing so, can be all consuming in this world.
Sometimes it is all one can do to keep your head above water and keep swimming.
Please know that no matter how dark it may seem at times, no matter how horrible the world around us may appear, that there will always be those who care about you. There will always be those who look forward to seeing your writing here. Know that you have the capability to put a smile on the face of someone you have never met, and to make their day just a little bit brighter through your efforts.
Know that you have worth in that you have possibly saved the life of another through your talent and efforts.
It may seem overly dramatic, but this place, this site filled with the wonderful work which you and others post here, has been a refuge for me - and for countless others. I come here when the world seems to be too heavy to bear, when everything seems to be closing in on me and the darkness begins to fall. I come here, so that you and your fellows can shed a little light into my day, and so that I can find the strength to keep going for just a little while longer.
There is an old saying, a problem shared is a problem halved, and it is true in that not only does talking about your problems help you to feel better - but often sharing it with another helps to find a solution. But more importantly, people tend to forget the second half of the saying, a joy shared is a joy doubled. Your stories here, as well as those of others, have brought much joy to me - and assuredly to many, many more. If in some way my meager efforts here have helped you, then know that it is nowhere near the good that you have done.
To borrow a line from Princess Bride, “If you haven’t got your health, you haven’t got anything.” You need to speak with a medical professional about your health. Whether it is Covid, or something else, don’t simply hope it gets better. I have been, and still am of the belief that you don’t go running to the doctor every time you get a sniffle - but if you still have it days later, or if your health continues to deteriorate, then you need the services of a doctor. As a cancer survivor (and believe me, that is not something I ever wanted to call myself), I can tell you from personal experience that waiting can be bad for your health.
Just before Covid hit, I noticed a mole that was getting larger on my back - it was beginning to get caught on my bra strap. I scheduled an appointment with a dermatologist to have it removed - but thanks to Covid, I had to wait months to get in. When the restrictions were eased and I finally got in to have it removed, it tested out as stage IIIC melanoma. It required surgery to remove a 3” diameter section of tissue from my back, several layers of tissue deep - as well as the removal of two lymph nodes. I then had to go through 12 months of immunotherapy after the surgery. Thankfully, I have now been cancer free for three years, and God willing and the creek don’t rise, I will remain so.
However, I did have a reaction to the immunotherapy in the 12th month of treatment. My immune system, ramped up by the treatments, started attacking my joints. I thought it was just a strained knee when it started, but it kept getting worse. Within a few short weeks, I could barely walk with the help of a cane. My wife got her brother, who is a doctor, to pay a visit to our home to see me. The very next morning he had me in his office at 8:00AM for bloodwork and tests, and then working with my oncologist he immediately started treating me with steroids. Within hours (literally hours), I was feeling 100% better. It took a few months on the steroids, but I am back to my old self.
The point I am trying to make here, is that if I had not been treated when I was for the cancer, it could have spread throughout my body, killing me. The fact that they had to remove two lymph nodes showed that it was already starting to do so - but it was caught just in time. Also, if I had not been treated when I was for the reaction to the immunotherapy, I could have had permanent joint damage.
Ignoring your health is a sure road to disaster.
I had my wake up call, and I am now very much aware of just how short life can be. I learned early in life just how fragile life can be, thanks to my time serving Uncle Sam in some serious shitholes around the world, but you never really understand how that fragility impacts others until you look into the eyes of your loved ones and see the worry that sits there.
I have lost enough friends in this life - don’t make me lose another. Take care of yourself, and let us help where we can. Reach out, and let me know if there is anything I can do to help you as you have helped me out of my darkness.
And keep treading water - giving up is never the answer.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus