Swallowing, I started to walk out onto the main passageway and then stopped...

A New Life

By Susan Brown

---

 
 

I walked along a short passageway. I felt strange and very self-conscious. The feel of the skirt of my dress against my legs was distracting me, to say the least. My shoes were noisy on the metal deck as I walked towards the nearest hatch. Swallowing, I started to walk out onto the main passageway and then stopped.

I had had a thought.

I needed spare clothes. What if they lock the hold where the luggage was kept for security reasons? I could not hope to get away with wearing just the clothes that I had on for a week or more. I had to make a decision and fast.

Reluctantly, I turned around and went back the way I came.

In the cold, gloomy hold, I swiftly made my way over to the pink trunk.

Looking around, I saw some suitcases of various sizes over in a corner, wedged between the bulkhead and some large trunks.

Amongst some larger cases, I found one that was a bit smaller than the others and that was a good thing because I was small and not very strong. Once again, I was in luck as it was not locked. I assumed that the authorities stipulated that cases were kept unlocked in case of the need for inspection. I was not sure of the matter but considered that it was probable. I do know that my small case was inspected before going on board. I could not use that one, as it was somewhat tatty and would not fit in with my supposedly new status as a girl of a family with means.

That thought made me smile. I had never been in a family with means. Yes, we had been better off before when Father had better jobs and our income was quite good, but we had never been in a situation where you could say that we were comfortably off. I suppose that the best time was when we lived near my dear friend Sally on a nice neat, leafy street. I missed that place and my friend Sally so much. We were happy there…

I stopped daydreaming, opened the case and noted that it had clothes for a young boy in it. I carefully removed the clothes placed them in a corner out of the way and then took the now empty case over to the pink trunk. I was conscious of the fact that I did not know how long I could be in the hold without someone coming in. The longer I was there, the more chance of being discovered and questioned.

I unlatched the lid of the trunk and looked in, then I hesitated.

I was not a thief, but I felt like one. Those pretty clothes were not mine but belonged to a girl who probably loved them.

Perhaps, I thought, I should forget this mad idea and just dress back as a boy again and take my chances. But then, I would be recognised by someone, considered to be an orphan and then would, in all probability, be taken off at the next port of call and returned to England and placed in an orphanage. Something that I did not want to think of.

I had no choice in my opinion, but would, if I could, return the clothes to the chest before getting off in New York. Whether I would be able to do that was another matter, but that thought helped my conscience.

I took out two dresses including the one that I first saw that was so pretty, the white muslin party dress, why I chose that one, I do not know. It was hardly practical. I chose another perhaps everyday mauve dress. I also took two white pinafores, one fairly plain, the other with some lace and ribbons on it which was very nice. some drawers, chemises, petticoats and stockings. To that, I added a white lacy nightdress with white ribbons, a few lace handkerchiefs and a pair of slippers. From the lid of the trunk, I took some ribbons, hair clips, a brush, a comb and the hand mirror. Also, just in case I needed it for any reason, I found a nice straw hat. It had a pink ribbon and a few silk flowers as a hat band.

Apart from the hat, I carefully placed the items in the case and closed the lid. Picking up the case, I was pleased that it was not too heavy for me.

After closing the lid of the trunk and pulling down the catches, I was ready to go. I picked up the case again, together with the straw hat and made my way to the hatchway leading out of the hold.

Stepping out, I saw that many more people were milling about and I was fearful that someone would say something about why I was there and what was a stupid boy wearing the clothes of a girl.

I need not have worried though, as I was ignored by the throng of people who were more interested in going about their own business than reflecting on me and my appearance. I think, on reflection that most of the people on board who were not part of the crew, were in a similar position to me in as much as they were trying to find out where to go, down here on this deck were many of the third-class cabins.

As a boy, together with my father, I would have tried to find the cabin that we were allotted to, but this was now obviously longer possible. I felt a bit like a stowaway, although that wasn’t really the case, as my passage had been legitimately paid for, although not as the girl I portrayed now.

I would have to find somewhere else to go where I would not stand out like a sore thumb. Without being judgemental, the children that I had seen go past me with their parents, were not as well dressed as I. The clothes that I was wearing were of very good quality in my opinion. I was in a third-class area and most of the passengers did not appear to be very well off.

My father and I would have fitted into this area well, but as a girl dressed as I was, I decidedly did not fit in. I was starting to get a few strange looks and that was the last thing I wanted. There was a certain amount of segregation between the various classes and I was starting to stand out like a sore thumb.

It would only be a matter of time before I was questioned by the few crew that I saw as to why I was there and where were my parents.

I was lucky that I believed that I knew the ship fairly well, as I had been here helping my dear father with his work. What I am saying is that I knew the layout of much of the ship and that would be to my advantage. However, there were deck plans for passengers, dotted about on shelves and I picked one up. I obviously did not know all sections of the ship and I thought that it might be useful to get my bearings.

Taking a deep breath, I walked on briskly to one of the staircases that I knew led to one of the second-class areas. There, I would not feel so out of place as I had been told that professional people and those with a bit more money would be berthed.

With a few others, I walked up the steps that led up to F deck. I felt the ship rock slightly, the first sign that I had, other than the engine noises, that the ship was on the move.

Father and I had gone over where the ship would go once it left Southampton, there were also many references in the papers and a lot of excitement. Firstly the ship would go to Cherbourg in France to pick up and disembark some passengers. Then on to Queenstown in Ireland the following day for the same purpose.

Then, we would finally set off for New York across the Atlantic to arrive on the 17th of April. A very fast crossing indeed according to the papers, although they stated that The Titanic would not be attempting the Blue-Ribbon accolade for breaking the speed record of crossing, given to her sister ship the RMS Mauretania, as they were more concerned about comfort than speed.

With a few others, including a crew member, who paid no attention to me, I walked up the stairs and found myself on Deck F and after looking at the deck plans, I knew where to go. With determination, I carried on up the steps and finally reached my goal, D Deck or as it was sometimes known, The Saloon Deck. I had been there once before which was good as I knew where I wanted to go. Firstly, I went down some passages to where I knew the bedrooms were.

I was very conscious of my appearance and how different I was from before. I was constantly looking at people who passed me to ascertain if they could see through my disguise, but I did not get any looks that could have indicated that I was not as I seemed to be and I started to relax slightly.

It was somewhat disconcerting that I was beginning to enjoy the feel and look of the clothes I was wearing. Hitherto, I had just been dressed in normal boys' somewhat rough clothing that were far from pretty, but now, I began to experience how Sally must feel every day of her life. She always loved the clothes she had been able to wear and waxed lyrical about a new dress or hat that her Mama had bought her on their regular shopping trips.

I eventually found a corridor with some bedrooms and noticed that a few of them had doors open and I noted, as I had before, that the level of luxury was much higher than third class. All the passageways and open areas of the second class had nice carpets and wall coverings. A stark contrast to the third class where functional economy appeared to be the order of the day and where there were few frills or decorations present.

A boy about my age passed me. He was in a sailor suit and he was with his parents and looked quite excited to be aboard that wonderful ship. He glanced at me and smiled shyly and I smiled back and carried on. I could tell that the boy had had a very different life to me. One of privilege and no shortage of money in the family I speculated.

Then a thought occurred to me. I knew nothing of the boy’s circumstances, and I should not be so judgemental about such things. He too might have had tragedy in his life. I had no way of telling.

I passed a bedroom with an open door and it appeared to be empty. On a whim, I looked about me, saw that no one was showing the least bit of interest in me, and just walked in as if it was mine. I noted, in passing, that it was cabin D-24, D denoting the deck that I was on. If I was challenged, I would just say that I had got lost and confused.

The inside of the cabin looked nice and very much like the other one I had been into on the same deck with Father when he was mending yet another leaking pipe. It had two bunk beds on one side and a seating area on the other. It was carpeted and would have been well decorated once finished, but I noted that some obvious items were missing. For example, one of the walls lacked any decoration and there was only one mattress on the bottom bunk. The room had obviously not been finished in time for the maiden voyage. At least there was a sink…

Then I remembered, one break time, a few days before, my father was speaking to one of the foremen who said that quite a few of the bedrooms would stay unfinished as they had no time to complete the fitting out work. Apparently, not all berths were filled for this trip in time for the maiden voyage and that was a good thing, as there would have been problems getting any more passengers on board and into cabins that had been fully fitted out.

This looked like one of the cabins that had not been finished. Looking over at the open door, I noticed that there was a key in the lock. I went over and took the key out. Just then, a few people went past, and I hid behind the door. They were laughing and paid me no attention.

After they passed by, I glanced out and saw that there were some people a fair way down the passageway, but there was nobody nearby.

I quietly shut the door and locked it from the inside. I stood up against the locked door and sighed. I had found somewhere to stay! True, there was always a chance that someone might want to visit the cabin for some reason, but I felt that it was unlikely as the crew would have enough to do looking after the passengers and the smooth running of the rest of the ship rather than looking at an unfinished cabin like the one I was in. it was highly probable that nothing would be done before we reached New York.

Only time would tell if I was right about that.

After a moment to collect myself, I went over to the porthole and looked out. We were at sea, obviously, and it was strange as the horizon appeared to be rising and falling gently. It made me feel a bit giddy to look out like that and so I went and sat down.

My mind was in a whirl as to what to do next. My stomach gurgled slightly, and I realised that I was very hungry and not a little thirsty. I also needed to use the toilet facilities.

I hid the case in a wardrobe and unlocking and removing the key to the door, I opened it carefully and glanced out. There was a family further down the corridor, walking away from me. I slipped out and locked the door, putting the key in my reticule pouch and then walked down to the bathrooms at the end of the corridor.

I nearly made the terrible mistake of going into the bathroom for Gentlemen but at the last second, I realised my error and went into the Ladies' one. Once again, I was in luck as no one was in the bathroom. There were no urinals, obviously, and I went over to the water closet and shut the door behind me.

I found using the facilities, something of a problem until I realised why my drawers had a spilt crutch area. I was able to sit and use the facilities without removing any of my clothing and for that, I was truly grateful. It was all a very different experience from when I was dressed as a boy and could use a urinal!

After finishing my ablutions and adjusting my several layers of clothes, I made my way over to a sink to wash my hands. It was then that I saw myself in the mirror. I barely recognised the girl in the reflection. It was so strange. I had seen myself in the hand mirror down in the hold, but the mirror was small, and the light was dim. It was a funny feeling, looking at myself in that large mirror. Bizarrely, it did not feel wrong somehow.

I shook my head. I had other things to think about, like what I was to do now…

Suddenly, the bathroom door opened, and a lady came in.

‘Good morning young lady,’ said the lady, smiling.

‘Good morning Ma’am,’ I replied shyly.

She went over to a water closet and the door closed behind her.

I smiled, I wasn’t seen to be a boy in a dress and that was very reassuring. I readjusted the ribbon in my hair which had somehow loosened slightly and then looking at myself critically, I saw that everything else looked fine and in my limited experience, acceptable.

I left the bathroom and then after looking left and right and finding, as usual, no one paying any attention, I made my way back to what I considered to be my cabin. After entering and then closing the door of the cabin and importantly, locking it, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had managed to get back safely.

A few minutes later I steeled myself to once again leave the sanctuary of the bedroom and go to the second-class dining room which, I knew, was nearby. I let myself out again, ensuring that I locked the door before heading towards my destination.

Judging by the number of people going in the same direction, I assumed that others had the same idea as me. My main worry was that I was alone and not with my parents. However, it seemed like everyone had only concerns for themselves and I didn’t see any strange looks at me.

The entrance to the dining room was just around the corner and I followed several people in there. Over the door was the inscription Second Class Dining Room.

The dining room was huge, I had never seen a place like it. It featured wood panelling, comfortable seating, and large windows where passengers could look out and admire the ocean views.

I made my way over to the side of the room and sat at an empty table, there were quite a few, possibly because it had not been long since we departed Southampton.

I looked around. The room was noisy with chatter at various tables. I had no idea what would happen now. My heart was thumping in my chest. I was so frightened of being caught out. What explanation could I give for my being there, in the dining room, alone and dressed as a girl?

Many waitresses and a few waiters were serving and taking orders. I noticed a menu on the table and I picked it up and looked at it.

It all seemed very nice, but some of the dishes I had never heard of.

‘What would you like to have Miss or are you waiting for your parents?’

I jumped slightly and looked up from studying the menu.

A waitress stood there with a pen and order book in her hand.

‘Erm Mama is not feeling well, seasick I think and Papa is with her. They told me to come here for my luncheon.’

‘I’m sorry to hear about your mother, Miss. Have you decided what you want?’

I desperately looked at the menu and chose something I knew.

‘Erm, beef steak and kidney pie please.’

‘Is that with mashed potatoes and peas?’

‘Yes please.’

‘And what would you like to drink?’

‘Do you have orange squash?’

‘Of course. Please leave it with me. Oh, can I have your cabin number please?’

‘Erm, D-58.’

‘Thank you. Your meal will be with you shortly.’

She smiled and nodded and then went to the next table.

I did not think about anyone asking me for information, like what cabin I was in. I also realised that I was in the most formal dining room for second class. I should have, on reflection, gone to another perhaps less informal dining room, where there may not be quite such formality or questions asked of me. I believed that there was at least another second-class dining room on another deck. I would have to check which one.

It did seem like I had managed to get away with it this time but would have to be more careful in future. I told her D-58 rather than my actual cabin number, as I did think it to be a good idea to say where I was staying, especially as it was an unused cabin.

The restaurant was filling up a bit more and the noise levels grew louder. Many of the people sitting close to me seemed to be happy to be on board.

Just then, another waitress came up with my meal.

‘There we are Miss, beef steak and kidney pie and orange squash. And would you be wanting desert?’

She was a pleasant lady with an Irish accent.

I saw that the meal had very good portions and I did not think that I would need any more than what I had in front of me.

‘No thank you.’ I replied quietly.

‘Enjoy your meal,’ she said smiling and walking away.

I was very hungry and for a few minutes, I concentrated on my meal.

I had just finished when a lady came up to the table. She looked a bit formidable and stern, wearing a severe-looking black dress.

‘This is my table young lady.’ she said briskly.

‘I am so sorry, I am just leaving. I got confused as to which table to go to.’

‘And where are your parents?’

‘Um, in the cabin, Mama is sick.’

She sniffed dismissively.

‘Seasick no doubt and the ship is hardly pitching at the moment.’

‘Yes, no, um probably,’ I replied weakly.

‘How old are you?’

‘Twelve, Ma’am.’

‘Hmm, you look younger. Your parents should not let you go out alone, without supervision. Where is your governess?’

‘We did not bring her.’ I replied.

‘Hmm, most irregular. So are you leaving?’

I looked down at my plate and saw a solitary pea in the gravy. Luckily, I had finished my drink by this time.

‘Yes Ma’am,’ I replied as I got up.

‘Very well. Try to find the correct table next time.’

‘I will Ma’am.’ I replied as I fled.

In moments, I was out of the dining room and swiftly making my way back to what I considered to be my cabin.

I unlocked the door with a shaking hand and let myself in.

I went over to the sofa and sat down, holding my head in my hands.

That was a close call as Father used to say. I would have to be very careful if I was to achieve my aim of getting to America for a new life. How I would be treated in that great country, I did not know, but anything would be better than the squalor I had been used to in England.

I got myself together and tried to be positive, although that was difficult after my encounter with that rather formidable lady.

I picked up the deck plan that I had left on a shelf before going out. Looking at the plans I saw that the only other second-class dining room was on F Deck. It was smaller and I wondered if that would help or not. I would at some stage have to use it if I was not going to starve on board.

For the moment, it would be safer to stay locked in my cabin and not take too many chances. I would have to make use of the toilet facilities. I could wash myself at the sink that luckily had running water. I liked to stay as clean as possible, although I could not remember the last time I had a bath.

I knew that I would be bored staying in the cabin, but that would have to be a cross to bear.

And so, I just sat in the cabin for a few hours, not thinking very much about anything. I was rather tired as I had had little sleep of late. In the end, I took off my dress as I did not want it creased and just in my underclothes I lay on the bed and fell into a fitful sleep.

After a while, I awoke, not realising where I was for a few moments. Then I remembered. Sitting up, I saw that the ship was not moving. I got up, stretched and then went over to the porthole. We were in a dock, I noticed. I could not see much but could see cranes and the quay which had a number of people on it. I remembered that the ship was to make a brief stop in Cherbourg, France before carrying on to Queenstown in Ireland on the following day.

I spent some time looking out on the quay below and then, after a while, noticed that there were fewer people about.

The ship's horn went off and I could hear some bells and whistles. Then, gradually, we were on the move again.

I looked at the clock on the wall, it was 6.30. Being May, it was still quite light outside and I believed that it would not get dark for another few hours.

Of course, I was bored. I had a lively mind that needed stimulation, and, in that cabin, I had nothing to do but sit and sleep.

For something to do, I picked up the deck plans and noticed on the back some information about things that were happening on the ship, organised activities included concerts, music, games like deck quoits, whatever that was and social gatherings.

I noted with interest that there would be a religious service in the second-class library, at 8 o’clock that evening.

I thought about that. I had not been to church for some weeks, and I felt slightly guilty about that. Because of our situation, we did not have the time to go to church. Now, I felt that I should go and hang the consequences. I wanted to pray for my father, mother and little sister. I assumed that there would be a large congregation and I would try to make sure that I would not call attention to myself.

I still had some time to wait and spent the time wondering if I was doing the right thing. Eventually, my urge to go overwhelmed me. I knew that it could be risky but was willing to take a chance and hope to be lost in the crowd.

I decided the dress I had on was smart enough to pass, but I changed the pinafore as there was a smudge on the front from my return journey to the hold. The last thing I wanted was to be picked out as having a dirty appearance. The pinafore I chose had some lace on the hem and collar and was more elaborate and smarter than the other one. I was soon dressed again and it was strange perhaps that I felt it almost normal for me to be thus attired.

After I removed the ribbon, I brushed my straight hair out, I was thankful that I had had it cut. Other girls had hair a similar length to mine, so I did not look out of place, especially as I had it styled in what I considered a more feminine fashion.

Once I was happy that my hair was as it should be, I carefully placed the hat on my head. I thought that it looked fine for a church service. Thinking about the service, I would normally take a bible, I had a small one at home, but in my haste to leave that horrible place, I forgot it. I hoped that one would be available to me when I went to the service.

Pausing for a moment as I looked at myself in the mirror. I wondered, not for the first time if I should feel guilty about wearing clothes that were patently not meant for any boy. I recalled though, many boys before being breeched, would wear some form of a dress.

What would my father think of me now? I thought, would he scorn me or perhaps laugh at me?

I remembered his kind face. For so many years it had been just him and me trying to get on in a world where it seemed of late that everything was against us. Father would never ridicule or hurt me. He had never laid a finger on me and I loved him for being a good father and a caring substitute for my dear mother.

No, I think that Father would be proud of the fact that I had been resourceful in what was a difficult situation for me.

One thing that did disturb me slightly was the fact that I was very much getting to like how I looked and felt, dressed as a girl, but I tried to keep those thoughts to a minimum.

I looked out of the porthole. There was a slight swell, and I could feel the movement of the ship beneath me. We were heading for Ireland now and then on to America. I hoped that there would not be any heavy weather on our crossing as I did not like the idea of being seasick.

I rechecked the deck plan to confirm the whereabouts of the lounge and after a final look in the mirror, I left the cabin, shutting and locking the door after me, and I made my way to the stairs that led up to C Deck, where the second-class library was located.

Was this all a big mistake and would I be found out? Only time will tell.

There were quite a few people in the passageway, but, as usual, they were only concerned with themselves and had no interest in me. Some of the women were wearing hats and many of the girls too. I assumed that they were going to the service like me.

I followed some people up the stairs and I got a bit of a shock as, at the top, on the other side of the passageway, was the officer that I encountered on entering the ship, the one that told me to stand aside to wait for my father.

My heart seemed to beat loudly in my chest as I saw the rather stern officer standing there.

I had wondered whether he had looked for me after I left the area but hoped that he had other things on his mind and that he might have forgotten me.

Without looking directly at him, I followed the others towards the library. I was tensed as I imagined having a hand on my shoulder, being stopped and questioned as to why I was thusly dressed and on the ship without my father.

Nothing happened and my heartbeat started to return to normal as I carried on my way to the library.

I soon reached the library and followed the other passengers in. There was a sailor inside the door handing out bibles to those without them, together with hymn sheets.

There were rows of seats I made sure to sit out of the way near the back, as I did not want to draw attention to myself. Soon the room filled with passengers and some of the crew as we awaited the chaplain who was going to perform the service. A family of four came over and sat down beside me, the mother next to me, then a very young boy and a girl a bit older than me who sat next to her father.

The lady looked at me.

‘Hello dear, your parents not with you?’

I looked at her. Her hat was much more elaborate than mine but very pretty.

‘Mama and Papa are in the cabin. Mama is feeling unwell Ma’am.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that; seasick?’

‘I think so Ma’am.’

‘Oh dear; perhaps she will get her sea legs soon. If she is in severe discomfort, your father should call for the doctor.’

‘Yes Ma’am.’

I hated lying. It was not in my nature, but I could not tell her that I was on board using false pretences.

Just then the organ started, and the service commenced.

We all stood up.

I will not describe the service. Many of you will know what they are like. I found some solace and comfort as it proceeded and afterwards, I was glad that I went as it helped me to find some peace with all that had happened to me.

I said goodbye to the lady at the end and went on my way, following the others out. Luckily, the officer was no longer at the top of the staircase, for which I was truly thankful! I went down the staircase and soon found my way back to my cabin. Letting myself in, I took my hat off and shook out my hair. Looking out of the porthole, I noticed that it was starting to get dark outside.

I yawned hugely, realising that I was quite tired. It had been a very hard day. It was a day where I had lost my father, and come aboard the Titanic, assuming the guise of a girl and had managed, so far, to get away with my deception.

I was not hungry, as the food that I had eaten before was sufficient for my needs. I decided that I would go to bed.

I left the cabin and went to the bathroom which was luckily empty. I used the water closet and then washed my face and hands, drying myself with one of the towels from a shelf. After finishing my ablutions, I decided to take a towel for my use in my cabin. There were plenty of towels and I did not think one would be missed. I was not stealing it, only borrowing it, so I felt no qualms about taking the towel back to my cabin.

I swiftly returned to the cabin, passing one gentleman who nodded but paid me no more attention.

Although the bed had not been made up for obvious reasons, I had found two blankets in the bottom of the wardrobe, and I brought them out and placed them on the bed. One I would use to cover me and the other as a makeshift pillow.

I then proceeded to undress and then put on the nightdress that I had taken from the pink trunk in the hold. It was of a soft, smooth, almost silk-like cotton and felt very nice on me. It had ribbons and lace and was very unlike the nightshirt that I was used to wearing.

I wondered, in passing, whether the owner of the trunk had returned to the hold for any reason, but there was nothing I could do about that. I turned off the electric light and by the gloomy rays of the dying sun coming from the porthole, I made my way to the bottom bunk and lay down on the bare mattress, covering myself with the blanket and then resting my head on the other, rolled-up blanket.

Before I fell asleep, I went over what had happened that day. I had not the time to truly grieve the death of my father and I could not understand why I had not cried. I still had that incredibly heavy feeling of loss and the fact that I was now an orphan with no one in the world to care for me.

Not for the first time, I wondered where he now was. My only consolation was that he was no longer in pain and he was, hopefully, up in Heaven and looking down on me. I prayed for him and my mother and sister and I prayed for myself, hoping that God would forgive me for my sins which included dressing as a girl and liking it.

---

 

Please leave comments...thanks!

Something woke me up.
It was almost pitch dark except for a faint glow coming from the port hole. I heard faint engine sounds and felt a slight vibration beneath me. The ship was moving gently, almost imperceptively under me.
I had no idea what had woken me up, but there was something that was bothering me, but I could not put my finger on it.
...

A New Life

By Susan Brown

---

 
 

Something woke me up.

It was almost pitch dark except for a faint glow coming from the port hole. I heard faint engine sounds and felt a slight vibration beneath me. The ship was moving gently, almost imperceptively under me.

I had no idea what had woken me up, but there was something that was bothering me, but I could not put my finger on it.

I got up and padded over to the port hole. I could see the moon, up above and its reflection on the almost calm sea.

By now, I was very awake.

What was it that was bothering me?

Groping along the wall, I found the switch and turned on the electric light. I blinked at the brightness of my cabin. Going over to the sink, I turned the tap on and cupped some water in my hand and drank it, as I was parched. I did that again a few times until I had quenched my thirst.

Drying my hand on a towel, “borrowed’ from the bathroom, I then went and sat on the bed mulling over what was bothering me. I played with the white bow on the front of my nightdress as I tried to work out the puzzle that was whirling around in my brain. I glanced at the side table and saw my father's wallet and then I realised what was concerning me.

I got up and looked in the wallet. There was some money, the tickets and a few other things like my mother's and sister's death certificates. Why Father kept those, I did not know. However, the thing that was bothering me was the passports. I remembered now that I had left them in the pocket of my jacket. I was not sure whether I would need my passport, but it was some sort of proof of my identity and that might be important once we arrived in America.

After mulling things over for a while, I decided that I had no choice but to go and get the passport, despite the dangers that that might involve. However, I did not want to go during the day as there were far too many people about. No, it would be best to go and get it now, when, hopefully, the ship was quieter and not so many people roaming the decks.

My big worry was that the door of the hold might be locked. That would be a problem that could not be resolved until I arrived. Another obvious concern was that I must not get caught. I dared not think of the consequences of that.

I had made my decision and I was determined to carry it through. It was probable madness, but now I had decided on my course of action, I was determined to go ahead and at least try to get that important document.

I would obviously have to get dressed as running around the corridors in a nightdress was not a good idea. I proceeded to dress myself as quickly as possible. It had just gone three o’clock and I wanted to get back to my cabin as soon as possible. It took me a good ten minutes to get dressed. I was wearing my dark blue dress and I hoped that being so attired, I would not draw attention to myself quite so much as if I was wearing something brighter.

Soon, I was ready and I quietly unlocked the cabin door and opened it. I poked my head out and looked up and down the corridor. The corridor was dimly lit, presumably because strong lighting was not required at night.

There was no one about and for that, I was grateful. I had no idea if patrols were made by the crew during the night and early hours. No doubt, I would find out soon enough.

To say I was scared would be an understatement.

I quietly let myself out of the cabin and then closed and locked the door behind me. Soon, I was going down the corridor as fast as possible and was glad that there was carpet on the deck as I did not want to make any noise. I reached the stairs and made my way down, stopping every few moments to make sure that I could hear no one ahead or behind me.

Making my way down to G-Deck was fraught with danger. What if I met someone, probably a crew member at that time of night, or rather early morning?

I would just have to be very careful and trust to luck. I had reached F-Deck and was about to go down the final flight of stairs when I heard talking, coming from below me, together with the sound of feet.

In an almost panic, I darted away from the stairway and into the corridor. I glanced about in panic as to a place where I could hide myself, but there was nowhere. The voices sounded slightly echoey as they came nearer.

I wondered how I could possibly get out of this situation. I was, by now, breathing heavily and my heart was thumping in my chest so loudly, that it was a wonder that I could not hear it.

The voices grew louder and I wondered if I could run to the other end of the corridor and somehow disappear around the corner. However, I realised that the end of the corridor was too far away and I had little chance of not being caught before reaching any form of safety.

I heard the sound of laughter.

The steps came nearer and nearer…

And then on upwards.

I breathed a sigh of relief that they had not decided to go along the deck that I was on. I swear that I might have died of fright if they had done so. That was probably my being a bit dramatic, but at the time, I very much felt that way.

The sounds of the voices and footsteps faded away, but I made sure that they were fully gone before I continued on my ill-advised adventure.

I made my way back to the stairs and continued on down to G-Deck.

I was thankful that I did not meet anyone else on my journey and I soon found myself at the large cargo hold hatch. There was a lever on the hatch and I pushed it down.

It squeaked alarmingly and I held my breath, wondering if the sound would carry.

I waited a few moments and I heard nothing, so I pushed the door open, thankful that it did not have a lock on it.

I let myself in and carefully pushed the hatch back into its place. Turning around, I breathed a sigh of relief that there was low but adequate lighting. One of my many worries was that there might be no light in there and that would have meant that I would not see anything and then my quest would be a fruitless one.

After a moment, I got my bearings and quickly made my way over to where I knew that I had left my boys’ clothes.

There were quite a few more cases and trunks in the hold, but I eventually managed to find the corner where I had left my things. I saw my jacket folded on top and immediately felt in the pockets.

The papers I needed were there and I breathed a sigh of relief. Without wasting any more time, I stood with the precious documents and immediately left. There was a window in the hatch and I looked out and saw that the coast was clear.

Letting myself out of the hold and closing the door as quietly as possible was just the work of a moment. There was a slight squeak as I pulled up the lever of the hatch and I grimaced as I heard it, but my luck was in as there was no one about to hear it.

Being as careful as possible not to make a noise as there was no carpeting down on the deck, I made my way to the stairs and started to make my way to my cabin. Once again I was careful to listen out for voices and steps but thankfully heard nothing.

When I reached my deck, I made my way along the corridor to my cabin and then let myself in.

Sinking down on the sofa, I breathed a sigh of relief. I marvelled at the fact that I had managed to get my passport without being caught. It would have been terrible if I had been seen as I could not give a reasonable account as to why I would be out of my bed at that time.

I was about to get undressed when I realised that I had to go to the bathroom. It was a nuisance but I was prone to needing the facilities on a fairly regular basis and I had always been the same. Father had joked in the past that I was like an old man, the amount of times I had to go!

I had little appetite for leaving the safety of my cabin again, but I had little choice. Many of those with a first-class cabin had a water closet in their suite, but no such luxury for second and third-class passengers.

I wearily got up and left the cabin. I was soon in the water closet and finished my ablutions. After washing my hands, I left the bathroom and nearly ran into a sailor who was standing just outside. I almost had the fright of my life and must admit that I squeaked a tiny scream.

I think that he was as surprised at the sight of me as I was of him. I had a feeling that he had just used the gentlemen's toilets and I suspect that this was not normally allowed by the crew.

He recovered himself quicker than I.

‘Sorry to startle you Miss.’

‘Erm that’s alright,’ I replied weakly.

‘It’s a bugger, I mean a shame to have to use the toilet at night isn't it?’

‘Yes it is,’ I said, blushing for some reason.

‘Do you need escorting back to your cabin Miss?’

‘Erm that’s all right officer, it’s just down there.’

I vaguely pointed down the corridor.

‘Lawd Miss I’m not an officer, Petty officer yes but not a proper one. Anyway, I had best be off. Have a nice night Miss.’

‘You too, Mr Petty Officer.’

He shook his head and laughed as he went left and I went right.

Soon, I was back in my cabin. I quickly got undressed for the second time that night and after switching off the light, I made my back to my welcome bed.

I must have been very tired after my nocturnal wonderings.

As I awoke, for a brief moment, I didn’t realise where I was and could not think straight.

I had heard sounds coming from outside and assumed that that was what had awakened me.

Then everything came back to me. My father’s death and my coming aboard The Titanic in such a strange way and my adventures from then on.

I stretched and then got out of my warm bed. Padding over to the porthole. I could see that we had arrived at the port – Queenstown, I believed.

There was much hustle and bustle outside. I could see to my left that the cranes were working hard to load cargo of some sort. To my right, my view was somewhat limited but I could see that many people were getting off the ship and further on, a queue of people presumably waiting to get on.

This was the last port of call before we crossed the Atlantic Ocean to New York.

Despite my worries and misgivings, I felt a thrill of anticipation at the thought of arriving in New York. I had little idea as to what the place was like and more importantly, what would happen to me. I dearly hoped that I would be accepted into that great country and not sent back to England. A place that was full of sorrow for me.

As to my appearance, it was strange standing there in a nightdress that was clearly for a girl and not a boy. It seemed so right that I should now present myself as a girl and not a boy. It made me wonder why that was so.

I went back and sat on the bed, smiling as I remembered my dear friend Sally. She always wore pretty clothes and she waxed lyrical about it. I recalled that she once said to me that I would look lovely as a girl and be able to wear such finery as she was able to. I laughed at that and poo-pooed the idea. What boy would be seen wearing a dress? It was a preposterous notion. Although, deep down, I knew for some reason, I was jealous of her.

Did that mean that, even then, I had a yearning to look and be like my dear Sally? I did not know much about the ins and outs of it then but I knew more now as I was older and perhaps somewhat wiser. Society has always said that boys were boys and girls were girls.

Enough of my woolgathering, I thought, what should I do now?

I glanced up at the clock and was slightly surprised. If it was timed correctly, it was just after noon. I must have slept far longer than I thought. Not surprising really after what I had to do early in the morning!

I found myself to be rather hungry. It had been many hours since I had eaten last and had met that fearsome lady in the dining room.

I remembered that I had a deck plan for the ship. On the back was important information about the various schedules for passengers on the ship. I had already used the information the previous day regarding the church service. The plan was on the table over in the corner, where I had left it.

Getting up, I walked over and picked it up.

Looking on the back, I saw some useful information about the times of meals. For the second class, I noted, Second Class passengers had specific meal times. Breakfast was served from 8:00 AM to 10:00 AM, lunch from 1:00 PM to 2:30 PM, and dinner from 6:00 PM to 7:00 PM.

I did not have too long to wait before I could eat lunch. I hoped that I would not be asked for a cabin number on arrival. However, I did think it a good idea to have a look around for a cabin that was occupied and use that number in the hope that the people occupying that cabin were not in attendance.

Unsurprisingly, I needed to use the toilet rather urgently. I was not dressed to walk the corridor as I had no robe to cover my nightdress and anyway, at that time of day, it would not be appropriate to wear such attire. I would have to get dressed.

I had few choices as to what to wear so I decided to put on the blue dress that I wore the previous day as it still looked clean, but I left off the pinafore and would wear it later when I went down to lunch.

I swiftly dressed as I really needed to use the facilities rather urgently. I didn’t even have time to put on my petticoat, stockings or drawers. I would properly dress and prettify, if that is a word, myself later once my urgent need had been satisfied.

After putting on my shoes, I left the cabin, locking the door after me and made my way down the corridor to the Ladies' bathroom. There were several people about along the corridor, a few with cases, but they paid no attention to me as I continued my short journey.

I opened the door and entered the bathroom, making my way swiftly to the water closet. I nodded to a lady who was looking in the mirror and washing her hands but in my urgency, I thought little of her as I closed the door, lifted my dress, pulled down my drawers and sat down with a sigh of relief.

It was strange, sitting there holding my tiny penis and letting myself go. It was so odd that I had never been able to use a urinal very successfully. I made too much mess when I attempted to use one. It was embarrassing that the urine tended to go everywhere other than in the place it should and, to my shame, I had occasionally soiled my clothes! I never spoke to Father about the need to use a water closet rather than a urinal, because I was embarrassed about it. I wondered if any other boy had the same problem.

Soon I had finished and adjusted my clothing before letting myself out, washing my hands and leaving the now-empty bathroom.

Passing a few people, I found my way back to my cabin and quickly let myself in. Time was getting on and I would need to get myself ready to go to lunch. I would use the dining room on E-Deck this time. I dreaded the thought of meeting that severe lady who claimed my table last time. The dining room was evidently smaller than the one I went to the previous day and I hoped that there would be no trouble with my using it. I had to eat and so I had little choice in the matter. I would just have to take my chances.

I finished dressing as quickly as I could, pulling on my drawers and stockings and then still reasonably white pinafore. I brushed my hair and then put a blue ribbon in it. I was finding it easier to dress as a girl and was now, strangely, no longer concerned about the fact that I was dressed so femininely, with no outward sign that I was anything other than a girl. I brushed my hair and was so pleased that it was long enough to pass for a girl's hair.

I was soon ready to leave the safety of my cabin. I paused for a moment and looked at myself in the mirror one final time to make sure that I was not improperly dressed, then, picking up my small reticule pouch, I opened the cabin door and walked out, locking the door behind me and placing the key in my pouch.

I determinedly made my way down the corridor towards the stairs trying to look as if I belonged there. I would have to go down to E-Deck, where the Second Class dining room was located. At the end of the corridor, by the stairs, was an officer, in a pristine uniform, earnestly talking to an elderly lady dressed rather severely in black. Thankfully, they paid me little attention.

I held my breath as I went by them and then ascended the stairs. In front of me were a couple of adults and two small children. The children were happy and seemed quite excited, the little boy was beside himself as he talked to his father whilst being held firmly by the hand. The girl was a little older and dressed similarly to me as she walked next to her mother.

As I looked at that happy family, I must admit to feeling a little jealous. They seemed so happy and excited. I wondered what my life would be like if my family had been that fortunate. I also wondered if the family were on holiday or if they were moving to America to make new lives for themselves.

That was what I wanted to do. Make a new life for myself. Time would tell if my dream would become a reality.

I reached E-Deck and followed the family as it looked like they were going to the same place as me, the dining room.

Others were heading the same way as us and it looked like people were as hungry as I was.

It was just a few minutes to one o’clock and the doors were still closed. People were milling about and as I walked up to them, the doors opened and there was a general movement going into the dining room.

This was where I thought that it might get a bit difficult for me. Going inside, I saw that there was no chart about who should sit where; unlike the more formal dining room that I had used the previous day.

Although the dining room was smaller than the other one, it was still, in my opinion, very large with a luxurious and elegant décor. There were wood panelling, paintings and decorative mouldings on the walls, fine linen on the tables and gleaming silver cutlery. Similar to yesterday's dining room, I felt more than slightly intimidated by the finery in that room but had to appear as if this was all normal to me.

Most of the tables were circular to enable a lot of passengers to sit around them.

I did not want to sit at a big table like that so I made my way to one of the smaller, square tables by the wall and sat down. The table would seat just two people and that suited me to perfection.

The room began to fill and soon waiters and waitresses were taking orders. After the initial influx of passengers, things quietened down a bit and many tables were still unoccupied.

I looked at the menu and saw that the menu was similar to the one I saw the previous day.

After a few moments, a waiter came up to me.

‘Hello Miss. Are you waiting for your parents?’

I thought that a rather silly comment as I was sitting at a table for two, but did not say so.

‘Erm no, Mama is ill, seasick I think, and Papa is staying with her. He told me to come and have lunch and he would get something later when Mama was a little better.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that Miss. Have you had a chance to choose what you would like to have?

‘Could I just have roast beef please?’

‘Of course Miss; and something to drink?’

‘Orange squash please?’

He smiled at me.

‘Of course. It should not be too long.’

He nodded pleasantly and then left me alone.

It gave me a chance to look around at the others in the dining room. I suppose that the dining room was, by now, about half full. There were many families with some older couples and several single people dotted about. They were all dressed nicely and I could see that most people had made an effort to look their best. I was pleased that I seemed to fit in as, in my opinion, I did look nice in my dress, with the ribbons in my hair.

Once again, I was struck by the fact that I felt perfectly at peace with the way I was dressed. The thought of wearing boys’ clothes again felt a little strange. What was happening to me? I had no idea. I had been brought up as a boy and I should be happy with that, but now I questioned whether I had perhaps been born in the wrong body and I should have been a girl after all.

Preposterous! Boys were boys and girls were girls. I had been taught that at an early age.

And yet…

My confused thoughts were interrupted by a waitress coming up with my meal and drink.

‘There you are Miss, enjoy your meal.’

‘Thank you.’ I replied, smiling.

‘You are welcome Miss,’ replied the girl as she went off to serve another guest.

I picked up the pristine white serviette and placed it on my lap as I did not want to get anything on my lovely clothes. I then sipped at my drink and settled down to eat my delicious-looking meal of roast beef, Yorkshire pudding and various vegetables including my favourite, roast potatoes.

Others were doing the same and there was a pleasant hum of conversation around the room.

I finished my meal, which was very enjoyable and then another waitress came over and removed my plate.

‘Thank you, that was very nice,’

'I’m glad you enjoyed it Miss, would you like dessert?’

‘Yes please, Do you have plum pudding?’

‘Of course. Would you like another drink?’

‘Yes please, can I have another orange squash?’

‘Yes, would you like ice in it?’

‘No thank you.’

‘I won’t be long.’

With that, she went away.

At a round table across the way, there was a family of six people sitting there. They were busy chatting and eating, although the little boy was having something of a tantrum and was crying his lungs out. It appeared that he did not want to eat his meal and was letting everyone in the vicinity know about it.

I smiled as Mother soothed the child down and relative peace was restored after a few moments.

Soon, the waitress arrived back at my table.

‘There you are Miss, I hope that you enjoy your pudding.’

‘It looks very nice,’ I replied, ‘thank you.’

I concentrated on the plum pudding, it was nice and hot and there was lots of it. The custard was thick and yellow, just the way I liked it. I was beginning to get full up and was wondering if I would actually be able to finish the pudding when…

Somebody sat down opposite me.

‘Arthur?’

I looked up.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

It could not be possible.

Sally!

---

 

Please leave comments...thanks!

A New Life 4

Somebody sat down opposite me.

‘Arthur?’

I looked up.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

It could not be possible.

Sally!
...

A New Life

By Susan Brown

---

 
 

I came close to fainting when I saw her there, looking at me with a puzzled expression on her face.

‘Sally!’ I blurted out.

‘So, it is you. I was sitting with Mummy,’ she pointed vaguely across the room, ‘and I said, there is a girl over there all alone. Can I go and see if she waiting for her parents? She said yes and I came across. I got quite near, thinking all the time that I recognised you from somewhere and then I realised it was you. Remember that day when I got you to put on one of my dresses and I said that you looked so pretty and I wished that you were a girl like me and you said nothing but blushed deeply.’

My mind flew back to that time. Ridiculously, I did love that dress but dared not tell her, as I thought then that I was trying to deny all that she was saying. I still do not know why I denied it; perhaps the stupidity and shame of a boy liking being in a pretty dress? She was my friend and I confided in her almost everything but I thought it was wrong to wear girls clothes. I only agreed to wear her dress because she asked me and I was curious about how I looked. I internally argued with myself that we were children and only playing a dress-up game. Even now, I can see how feeble an explanation that was!

I have never forgotten how I looked or felt in that dress even though I was wearing it over my own, boys clothes, although I knew that it was very wrong to try to be something or someone that I wasn't.

All these confusing thoughts rushed through my mind as I looked at my friend Sally.

‘Why are you dressed like that Arthur, is it some sort of game and why are you here and where is your father?’

I shook my head and then looked up. I had, by now, gotten over my initial shock at the unbelievable sight of my dearest friend sitting opposite me, as large as life.

‘C…Can you stay with me for a little while? I erm, have some things to tell you.’

‘All right, I’ll go and tell Mummy and come back straight away.’

‘Do not tell her about me yet, please Sally!’ I implored.

She looked doubtful and then shrugged.

‘All right Arthur, but I do not like deceiving Mummy.’

‘It won’t take me long to explain things and then, if you wish, you can tell her.’

Just as she went to leave, I thought of something.

‘Sally, before you go; whilst I’m dressed like this, can you call me Annabel?’

She looked puzzled and then her eyes went wide.

‘I think that it was your sister's name?’

‘Yes, it’s by way of my remembering and honouring her.’

She smiled.

‘That is so sweet. Yes, I’ll call you Annabel, but you have a lot of explaining to do.’

With that, she went over to a table on the other side of the dining room. She sat down next to her mother and started gesturing over at me. I remembered her mother well. She was such a kind lady and not strait-laced. I recalled Sally telling me that her mother was a member of the suffragette movement and had actually been imprisoned some years before for chaining herself, together with others, to the gates of Buckingham Palace. This was before Sally was born and since that time, although a strong advocate for the movement, she refrained from some of the more controversial actions of that organisation.

I wondered why I had thought of my dear sister Annabel as a name for me. It seemed right somehow and it was like I was keeping her name alive through me. It gave me a warm feeling in my tummy that almost helped get me over the shock of encountering my dear friend Sally.

Soon, Sally made her way back to me. As she walked over, I noted how pretty she looked in her white, mid-calf length dress with lace-edged petticoat and, holding back her long straight hair, she wore a white satin hairband. Soon she was sitting down opposite me.

‘I have told Mummy and she was happy for me to spend some time with you not realising, of course, who you really are.’

‘You did not say anything about me though, did you?’

‘No, I promised, didn’t I? Although I did say that I had a surprise to tell her about later but had been sworn to secrecy. After drinking her tea, she said that she would be going back to our cabin as she needed to do some writing and would see me later. She doesn’t want me to be bored and as she thinks, for the moment anyway, that I have a new friend, she has no objection to my being with, as she called you, ‘that pretty young thing’.’

I blushed and she laughed.

‘Oh, how red your face is. You do not like compliments do you Arth… sorry Annabel.’

‘It is just… oh, never mind.’

Sally caught a waitress’s eye.

‘Hello Miss, can I help you?’

‘Yes please, can I have an orange squash and erm, Annabel?’

‘The same please.’

‘Certainly Miss. Let me just clear the table and I will bring the drinks back shortly.’

Soon we were on our own again.

‘So Annabel, it’s funny calling you that name but dressed as you are, it really suits you. Tell me what has been going on and why you are dressed as a girl?’

I took a deep breath, looked around to ensure that there was no one paying attention to us and then, after some hesitation, I told her my story.

I will not repeat, gentle reader, what you already know about me, as my sorry tale is already known to you.

Sally said not a word as I told her how I came on the great ship Titanic and how I found myself dressed as a girl.

After a short while, she reached across and gently held my hand over the table as I continued my story and at times I saw a tear fall from her cheek, landing on the crisp white tablecloth, she was especially upset when I explained the grim circumstances of my dear father’s passing.

At last, I came to the end of my story, and I awaited her verdict. Would she accept me for what I am or judge me for being terribly wrong with the choices that I had made?

She dried her eyes with a lace handkerchief. I too was upset but tears would not come. Recounting what had happened to me affected me deeply and brought back some memories that I truly wished to forget.

‘Well…Annabel, I do not see Arthur sitting in front of me and I wonder if you were ever that boy Arthur that I knew and loved as a brother. There was always something about you that did not strike me as someone who was a normal boy… I say that in a nice way. You were so gentle and loving; not boisterous and rough like many of the boys near where we lived. I seem to remember that you never played with boys, did you?’

I shook my head and with a slightly shaky hand, I picked up my juice and sipped. My mouth was dry from all the talking.

‘Why?’

I had not thought about it much.

‘Perhaps it was because I did not feel like one of them. I was always shy and let us face it, I am not very big and strong. I would never fight and would turn the other cheek. One boy, Brian Roberts, do you remember him?’

She nodded.

‘He was a bully as you know and he used to pick on me after school. He was a head taller than me and had idiot friends who just followed his lead. Normally there were just hurtful words that I will not repeat, but sometimes he and the others hit me and I had bruises to show for it. One time he hit me down below and I was in terrible pain for a while. I never told Father and perhaps I should have. It still aches down there sometimes, but I have learned to live with it. I was ashamed that I wasn’t strong enough or had the will to fight back, but it is not in my nature to harm anyone else, no matter how much I am provoked. Enough of that Sally, what do you think of my current situation?’

She was quiet for a moment, collecting her thoughts. I would hate for her to think badly of me, she was the closest thing I now had to a sister and I loved her dearly, even though we had been apart for quite some time. I did wonder why she and her mother were on the ship and I noted that her father was not with them. I dearly hoped that her father was all right and God forbid that he had not also passed on like my own dear father.

‘Well Annabel, can I ask you some questions?’

I nodded.

‘Is the only reason why you are dressed as a girl is because you wish to avoid detection?’

‘Yes, no… I do not know.’ I answered lamely, confused by my thoughts.

‘That is no answer and I will put it aside for the moment, but let me ask another. How do you feel about being dressed like me, a girl and looking so convincing that you have been able to avoid discovery?’

I distractedly looked at a young baby, being fed by her mother, as I tried to put my thoughts into an answer that I felt was the truth.

I took a deep breath.

‘Sally, I like the way I look and feel. I know that it is wrong to feel this way but I truly love being a girl and looking as I do. Am I wrong? Is it a sin to feel this way?’

‘God loves all his creatures, and I am sure that your crimes are minor compared to others, if what you have done and are doing is considered a crime and I am not convinced about that, far from it. I will ask another question and I think that I know the answer but will ask it anyway. If you were given the chance to stay a girl or revert back to being a boy, which would you do?’

‘Stay being a girl – always.’ I replied promptly, without even thinking.

Then I realised what I had said and felt my face grow hot and red again.

Sally smiled.

‘You blush very prettily. You said ‘being a girl’ twice now. Are you a girl or a boy? I do not know your answer, but I cannot ignore what I am seeing.’

I said nothing.

‘Hmm, we have a problem, don’t we?’

I nodded, temporarily losing the power of speech.

‘Well, that’s what mothers are for. Will you let me talk to my mother about your problem?’

I sighed. I knew in my heart that at some point I would have to explain myself to the authorities. I had wondered what would happen to me once we had crossed the Atlantic to New York. I had not quite gone that far in my calculations as to what might happen to me and the worry I had was that I might be put into an orphanage and that I would be out of the fat and into the fire as my father colourfully said once about something or other. I now knew what he meant.

I was only a child and I should only be worried about childish things, but I had had to grow up rather quickly and make decisions that no girl, or boy for that matter, should make, because of all the things that had happened to me. But I desperately needed help and it was like I was in the sea and had grabbed a lifebuoy ring…

I looked at her kind, compassionate face and made my decision.

‘Yes,’ I said quietly, ‘could you ask her what I should do?’

‘Good girl. What cabin are you in?’

I told her.

‘My, you are only three cabins down from our one! That is good. Do you want to go back to your cabin whilst I speak to Mummy or do you want to come with me whilst I explain what has been going on?’

‘I will go back to my cabin and wait for you if that is all right.’

Perhaps I was being cowardly in not going with Sally but I did not feel that I could just go with her to meet her mother without some sort of explanation as to what had happened to me.

She stood up and I joined her as we walked out of the dining room arm in arm.

We embraced as Sally left me at the door of my cabin and then went further down the corridor and with a small wave and smile, went inside her cabin.

Using my key, I let myself into my cabin and sighed as I sat down on the easy chair, all the time wondering what was being said by Sally to her mother.

My mind was going over various scenarios as I awaited what I considered to be my fate. It seemed to be a long time but was only probably only ten minutes or so, when I jumped slightly as I heard a knock on the cabin door.

I went over and hesitantly opened the door in dread as to what might happen next.

Sally was waiting outside a slight smile playing on her lips.

‘Sorry that it has been so long Annabel. Mummy has asked me to bring you to our cabin. Will you come?’

I nodded and then picking up my reticule bag, I joined her in the corridor, shutting and locking it before following her the short distance to her cabin. I could not tell from her expression how things had gone with her mother but by the slight smile on her face and the fact that she firmly held my hand, it might not be as bad as I thought. I would soon find out if my slight optimism was unfounded.

We arrived and she opened the door, gesturing for me to go in.

I took a deep breath and walked into the cabin.

Mrs Andrews was much as I had remembered her; a pretty, still young-looking woman in a long green satin dress. She had always been nice and kind to me and I had secretly wished her to be my mother as I had lost mine some time ago and barely remembered her. A pipe dream as I would never have left my dear Father and anyway, she was married to a nice doctor. Then they all moved elsewhere due to Mr Andrew’s work and it nearly broke my heart and I felt the loss greatly for some time.

She was sitting at a desk, writing but stopped as soon as I walked in.

She put her pen down and then turned to me. Her smile was so like Sally’s and at that moment, looking at her, I felt an emotion that I had not felt before welling up in me.

When Father died, I did not cry, although I had an ache that had never truly gone away. Since then, I had gone through many trials and tribulations and still I did not cry but just carried that dull ache that was always there lurking in the background.

Looking at her kind, compassionate face released something in me. Tears started to fall and I crumpled down, put my head in my hands and cried as I had never cried before.

I was not really aware of anything for a moment. I sobbed, as my body was wracked with emotion and tears leaked through my fingers and down my face. Then, I felt someone embracing me. It was a soft and warm embrace, and I could smell her perfume. Instinctively, I put an arm around her. She was whispering to me.

‘I almost could not believe what Sally had told me about you, but now I see. There, there my child, let it all out, you will feel much better for it.’

She gently removed my ribbons and stroked my hair and that was so nice. I sensed that Sally was next to me and she felt for my free hand and held it. That too gave me great comfort and my sobs gradually subsided.

After some while, I was helped up and then onto a couch. A lace handkerchief was given to me and I was allowed a little time to gather my thoughts and compose myself as best I could.

Mrs Andrews pulled up a chair in front of me and sat down.

‘I…I’m sorry,’ I said eventually, wringing the damp handkerchief in my hand.

‘What for?’ asked Mrs Andrews.

‘For being a nuisance and causing you trouble.’

‘Do not worry yourself about that Annabel,’ said Mrs Andrews.

I perked up slightly as she called me by that name and I looked at her. She did not look cross; she just seemed concerned. She called me Annabel, not Arthur!

‘What is to become of me?’ I asked hesitantly.

Sally had been over to the tap and brought me back a glass of refreshing water.

‘Here, drink this,’ she said handing the glass to me and sitting down beside me.

I was thankful for her comforting presence.

My throat was dry from all the crying and I drank deeply. It made me feel a bit better, but I still had not had an answer. I looked at Mrs Andrews again.

She sighed.

‘You have been through the wars, haven’t you, my dear?’

I nodded, sipping my drink as I awaited her judgment on me.

She stared into space for a moment, thoughtfully and then looked back at me, smiling gently.

‘You are so pretty. Looking at you, I would never take you for a boy and see very little of the Arthur I thought I knew. Yes, it could be argued justifiably that some boys do look pretty, especially when they are young and androgynous if you know what that means, but there are no signs that I can see that makes you on the outside anyway, any different from my Sally here.’

‘Am I not prettier than her?’ asked Sally, giggling.

‘Do not fish for compliments young lady, she replied sternly but with a twinkle in her eyes.

That set off Sally with giggles again. I smiled; she always was a giggler!

Mrs Andrews turned to me once again and continued.

‘Sally has told me all about what has happened to you but I would like to hear it from your own lips, even though I am sure that it will upset you. Let me say though, that I consider you now to be under my protection and I promise you that no harm shall come to you if I have anything to do with it.’

That gave me some comfort and with Sally once again holding my hand and giving me encouragement, I recounted my story.

It was no easier telling for the second time, but at least I did not cry as I appeared to be empty of tears, for the moment anyway. One part of my story that I did not like to recount was the fact that I had taken the very clothes that I was wearing in my quest to look like a girl. I hated the idea of stealing and had made an excuse to myself that I was only borrowing the clothes.

‘Do not worry about that. Somehow, I will make sure that the clothes are either returned or the owner will be compensated.’

I did not know how that might be done, but I left that for the moment.

‘So Mrs Andrews, what is to become of me?’

It was as if her eyes were boring straight through me.

This was the question I had been asking myself ever since Sally found me out in the dining room. To say that I was worried, would be an understatement.

‘Is it true that you consider yourself to be a girl and not a boy?’

I reluctantly nodded, not knowing where things would go from there.

‘You truly believe this in your heart of hearts?’

Once again I nodded, not daring to speak.

‘It is not just because you like the pretty clothes?’

I shook my head, reluctant to speak.

Once again she looked at me intently and then nodded slightly.

‘I believe you. There is something about you that does not seem right for a boy. it isn’t anything that I can put my finger on, but I would like you to see John when we get to America.’

‘John?’

‘Yes, my husband. You may be wondering why he is not here. He went over to America some days ago on the RMS New York, from Portsmouth. We are joining him in New York. He has taken a prestigious position at a hospital; Columbia University's College of Physicians and Surgeons. We look forward to a new life there. Anyway, returning to your many problems Annabel. You may or may not have known, but I do not consider myself to be one who always conforms to the normal way of things.’

‘Because you were a suffragette?’

‘I will always be a suffragette until women are considered equal in the world. This may not happen in my lifetime, but I have hopes. Now returning to you. I am sorry for the loss of your father. He was a good man and I respected him. He did his best to help you to grow up into the fine person that you are. It is commendable that you are concerned with the taking of those clothes. Sometimes though you have to do things that are distasteful. Do you understand?’

Yes Mrs Andrews.’

She frowned.

‘I think, under the circumstances, as I am now, in effect in loco parentis… oh, do you know what I mean by that term?’

‘No Ma’am.’

‘It is Latin and means literally in the place of a parent. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I am willing to take on that role if you wish me to.’

My heart sort of leapt if you know what I mean. I could hardly believe what I was hearing!

‘Thank you Ma’am, that would be wonderful.’ I replied enthusiastically.

‘When we arrive in New York, I will consult with John and see what we can do to help you more permanently, but for now, you are to be, effectively, my child. Does that suit you?’

‘Of all things Ma’am, it would suit me greatly.’

I looked at Sally and she was grinning, reflecting my joy at this unasked-for but very welcome development.

‘And, for the final time of asking, do you want to remain as Annabel or do you want to revert to Arthur? I am sure that I could speak to the authorities, and you would be accepted as Arthur if you so wish?’

‘Annabel, always Ma’am.’ I replied firmly.

‘You know that is a hard route that you are taking and that there may or rather will be barriers put in your way?’

‘I want to stay as Annabel, no matter what may happen.’ I replied firmly.

‘I thought that might be the case,’ she said smiling, ‘you are a very brave girl.’

I blushed once again at such praise.

‘Mummy, is it now that I can call her my sister?’

‘Well my cupcake, officially you are not her sister, but, I think that we can stretch the point for the moment.’

‘And can she call you Mummy?’

She laughed - such a pretty laugh.

‘Once again, you are stretching the point, but I do prefer that to Ma’am as that makes me feel a trifle old and calling me Auntie could raise questions when we do not want them. Anyway, let us ask Annabel. Would you object to calling us your sister and mother? You could call me Mama or Mother or Mummy if it suits you and you are agreeable. It might save awkward questions. However, it is entirely up to you.’

I looked at them both and I felt yet more tears welling up. It seemed that now the floodgate of my tears had been breached, I was prone to emotions like these.

‘Please may I call you Mummy, like Sally?’ I replied, sniffing.

‘Of course, my darling.’

She opened her arms.

‘I think Annabel that you are in need of another hug!’

I fell into her arms and realised, even through my tears, that for once, they were happy and not sad ones.

After I had recovered somewhat, Sally and I went to my cabin and collected my things. I would be moving in with ‘Mummy’ and Sally now. There was no need for me to be anywhere else.

I could not believe my luck and I wondered if my father and mother, not forgetting poor little Annabel, were looking down on me and helping me along the way. I was as sure as I could be that my family would approve of some of my actions, although, I was not so sure about my presenting myself as a girl and not the boy I had been born as.

Once I was back in the cabin with Mummy and Sally, I loved calling them by those names, we talked about what would happen next.

‘Well girls, we will go down for dinner tonight. I do not believe there will be any query about your situation Annabel but if there are questions, I will say that there must have been a mix-up in the paperwork, which on a ship of this size and the number of passengers aboard would not, I feel, be an unknown situation. Now I must do some writing. Sally, would you help your new sister to sort out her clothes and put them away nicely?’

‘Of course Mummy.’ replied Sally enthusiastically.

‘Well off you go then and keep the noise down as I really need to concentrate.’

We went over to the case where my clothes were kept.

She turned to me and whispered, ‘I do love being called your sister. I want it to be permanent, that is if you want that, of course.’

‘I would love it to be possible. It would depend on what your parents decide once we arrive in New York.’

‘True, but Daddy is a bit of a softy and between you and me, I can wrap him around my little finger!’

We both giggled and that caused a shooshing noise from Mummy.

‘Sorry Mummy,’ we both said in unison and giggled again.

Mummy smiled, shook her head and returned to her writing.

Just as we commenced to put away my clothes, Sally whispered to me.

‘Mummy is a writer of fiction for Ladies. She is very good and has been published. She hates any noise when she is trying to concentrate. Now let us look at what clothes you have, not very much, is there?’

‘I did not want to take more than I needed,’ I replied in a hushed voice.

Sally looked at my clothes.

‘You have very little here,’ she said critically.

‘I did not want to take too much and also it was all I could get in the small case that I used.’

‘I can understand that. Never mind, you can borrow some of my clothes, I have plenty as you can see and we are much of a size. These clothes that you have are a bit creased, but the creases might fall out after a while.’

We hung up the dresses next to Sally’s. I could see that her parents had not scrimped on giving Sally some very nice clothes. I secretly looked forward to trying some of them on!

Once we finished, we just sat for a while as we were not able to make much noise. Mummy, as I now loved to call her, even though she was not my real mother, was still busy writing at her desk. Sally soon got bored and stood up.

‘Mummy, may we go and have a look around? We have not had time before and you are terribly busy.’

‘Hmm, what? Oh all right girls, but don’t go far and be back here in time for us to get ready to go to dinner. Sally, look after Annabel and Annabel dear, you do the same for your sister.’

‘Yes Mummy,’ we said in unison and then had another fit of the giggles.

Mummy looked at us, sighed and said, ‘I do not know who is the worst of the two of you. Annabel, please change your pinafore first, it looks a little grubby.’

I looked down and I had to agree, it had a few marks and more than a few tear stains on it.

‘Use one of mine Annabel, they are not so creased as yours.’

She went over to a draw and pulled it open. There were several neatly folded pinafores. Sally pulled out the top one and handed it to me. It was white and adorned with lace and embroidery. It was very pretty and so practical as a means of keeping one's dress clean underneath.

‘Are you sure I can wear this?’ I asked fingering the fine garment.

‘What is wrong with it?’ whispered Sally.

‘Nothing, it is lovely.’

‘As you can see, I have others like it, so do not worry yourself. Now hurry up. I am dying to see around the ship.’

With Sally’s help, I quickly changed my pinafore, and we were soon ready to go.

Mummy looked up from her work.

‘Very pretty Annabel, you too of course Cupcake. Now off you go and be good girls. Do you intend to go out onto the promenade?

Sally looked at me and I nodded. It felt like a long time since I had been outside, although, in fact, it was very little time at all.

‘Yes please Mummy,’ said Sally.

‘Very well. I think that it may be a little cold out there, so I suggest that you take a cape or coat and do not forget your straw boaters and use some hairpins or you may lose them to the wind. You can tell me about what you have discovered later.’

We decided on capes and Sally had two to choose from, both dark blue. We would carry them until we went outside as they were lighter than the coats that she had. We put on the straw hats which were adorned with pretty ribbons and flowers and used colourful ornate pins to hold them in place. Then, after looking at ourselves in the mirror, we were then ready to go. I reflected on the fact that we truly looked like sisters and that made me feel very happy.

Picking up our reticules and the capes, we let ourselves out of the cabin and as Sally closed the door, I turned to her.

‘Cupcake?’ I asked innocently.

‘It’s because I loved cupcakes when I was little. I still do, come to think of it.’

We giggled.

We went down the corridor and made our way to the second-class staircase leading to the different levels or decks of the ship. I had, on occasion, been able to see the first-class areas including the opulent grand staircase when I accompanied my father during the course of his work. However, being second-class passengers, we were precluded from accessing those areas, as they were only for first-class passengers. Physical barriers and also members of the crew would prevent us from visiting those places in any case. It was the same throughout the ship. It was as if the first-class passengers did not want to mix with us, more lowly classed travellers.

As we walked up the stairs to C deck, Sally and I talked about things.

‘Sally?’

‘Yes?’

‘I wondered why you did not go first-class?’

She thought for a moment.

‘We are comfortable, if not well off. Shortly after we moved away from where we used to live near you, Daddy was lucky enough to come into some good fortune. He inherited a lot of money and some property and other things from Grandpapa when he sadly died last year. I loved Grandpapa, he was lovely, kind, and gentle. Anyway, Daddy was unhappy at the hospital he was working at in Birmingham, even though the hospital did receive charitable donations from rich well-wishers, it seems that much of the funds were not used to help the poor. They had other practices also that he did not approve of and so he resigned from his position.

‘Daddy has connections in America and he was approached by a professor of Columbia University Hospital and asked to join them. After speaking with Mummy and me, we all agreed that we should go and seek new opportunities as he called it. Daddy was able to sell our properties for a decent price and I suppose that makes us quite well off.

‘Finally answering your question though, it was Mummy who insisted that we travel second-class. I think that it has something to do with her suffragette background. She has no time for people who flaunt their wealth and there are, as far as she is concerned, far too many people like that who tend to travel first class. Second class was good enough for us in her opinion and Daddy was of the same mind.’

We continued on.

There were quite a few people about and although I was still conscious of my unique status, no one that I could see seemed to look strangely at me and that was a comfort. I soon relaxed a bit more as we found ourselves on C deck or The Shelter Deck as it was known. There wasn’t much there for us, as most of the deck was used as cabins for first class, but there was the library and we had a quick look in to see what it was like. It was a nice comfortable place with several people sitting on comfortable leather sofas reading and smoking. There wasn’t much else to see, so we left there and continued up the stairs to B deck or the Bridge Deck, where we had access to the promenade. Before leaving the warmth of the ship, we put on our capes and we were soon outside.

I expected it to be very windy out there, but it was relatively calm with only a gentle breeze and not too cold. We joined others who were walking along the deck and looking at the views out to sea. It was quite cloudy and there were only glimpses of the sun sometimes peeping out from behind some white fluffy clouds.

I breathed in deeply, relishing the freshness of the sea after being below decks.

We walked along arm in arm as the ship was swaying slightly. We could feel a slight vibration underfoot from the great engines that powered the Titanic. All we saw was the vast clear ocean, there were no ships visible. Looking behind, we could see the wake of the ship as it powered through the water and the smoke from the huge funnels. We walked around to the other side of the ship and the wind, such as it was, almost disappeared.

There was a bench seat by the bulkhead, and we sat there, taking in the view, the passing passengers and a few of the crew that ventured on the deck.

Sarah turned to me.

‘I love having you as a sister,’ she said enthusiastically, not for the first time.

‘I feel the same, but we aren’t really sisters Sally.’

She was silent for a moment and then continued.

‘I know that, but I have always wanted a sister and we have been friends for so long. I never told you this but when we lived nearby and I saw you most days, I always dreamt that you were my true sister. You have never been like any boy I knew.’

I sighed.

‘I knew that I wasn’t like other boys, and it puzzled me why this was so. Since I have been aboard this great ship and made the decision to dress and live as a girl, it is like a puzzle where the final piece has finally been put in place after many years. I feel more like a girl than I ever did as a boy. How I can stay this way, I do not know but I will enjoy it as long as I can. I think that it would break my heart if I had to live my life as a boy again.’

‘Daddy will know what to do,’ she said an assurance that I could not match.

‘Will he accept me?’

‘I am sure he will. He is a kind caring man and I love him dearly. If anyone can help you, he will.’

I knew him to be what Sally said, but I had not had much contact with him as he was usually busy at work. What I saw though, I liked.

I glanced to the left.

An officer and member of the crew was coming towards us and I felt a sudden dread, as I realised that it was only the very officer that stopped me from boarding! Also, the man walking with him was the very crew member who knew me as Arthur and helped me board at Southampton!

I turned away and leaned into Sally.

I whispered,’ I do not want those men to see my face.’

‘Why?’

‘I will tell you later.’

I breathed a sigh of relief as they walked on without stopping. It was a close-run thing and my heart was beating so loudly, I was surprised that Sally did not hear it. Would they have recognised me dressed as a girl? I would never know.

‘Can we go back in?’ I asked as I saw the men disappear into the distance.

‘Yes, all right.’

As we walked back to our cabin, I explained why I did not want to be seen by those men.

‘They would never have recognised you surely?’

‘You recognised me in the dining room Sally.’

‘True, but I knew you from before and remember, I have seen you in a dress.’

‘But my face is the same.’

‘True, but you are wearing your straw hat and I am sure that you would not be recognised, dressed as you are.’

She made me feel a bit better, but I would make sure that I try to keep clear of those men and any others who might recognise me from my time on board with my father.

We made our way down to D-Deck where our cabin was. As we turned into the corridor, I stopped suddenly. About a hundred feet away, there was a man in overalls standing at the cabin I had previously used. He unlocked the door and then picking up a tool bag, he walked in.

‘Oh Annabel, you could have been in there!’

I looked on and remembered a phrase from old Mrs Wellgood from Sunday school, ‘There, but for the grace of God.’

I felt then that I was truly blessed and hoped that my good fortune would continue when we finally reached America.

---

 

Please leave comments...thanks!

‘Annabell, you look quite pale, what is wrong my dear?’

I took off my hat and cape and sat down heavily.

‘A maintenance man has just entered the cabin I was using before. If I had still been in there…’
...

A New Life

By Susan Brown

---

 
 

We opened the door into Sally’s and now my cabin and Mummy was still at her desk writing.

She looked up and smiled.

‘There you are dears; did you have a nice walk?’

‘Yes Mummy,’ said Sally.

‘Annabell, you look quite pale, what is wrong my dear?’

I took off my hat and cape and sat down heavily.

‘A maintenance man has just entered the cabin I was using before. If I had still been in there…’

I stopped, quite upset. Soon, I turned to tears. As a girl, I could cry quite easily now without fear of comment, something that a boy of my age would never think of doing unless in pain.

Sally came over and hugged me as did Mummy. It still seemed strange to call her that, but it was nice and comforting to do so.

‘Now Annabel, stop your tears. You are safe now,’ said my new, perhaps temporary, mother, ‘you are safe with us. I think that now you feel able to cry, you have some catching up to do. It is like the floodgates have opened. You are a girl now and girls do cry sometimes.’

This made me feel a bit better and I soon recovered but at the expense of one of Mummy’s delicate lace handkerchiefs!

Whilst Mummy was still busy with her writing, I helped Sally to complete a puzzle of a pretty cottage in the country that she had started earlier. It was a difficult puzzle to complete as there was lots of blue sky and grass.

It was surprising how the time went by as we tried to find what pieces fit where.

We tried to stay quiet and not giggle too much. We held whispered conversations but sometimes we heard shush noises and we had to stay quiet.

Eventually, after a while, it grew dark outside and Mummy called a halt to her writing.

‘Right girls,’ she said putting her pen down and stretching, ‘it is time to dress for dinner. Sally, can you get yourself ready?’

‘Yes Mummy.’

‘Annabel my dear, let us find something suitable for you to wear.’

I followed her over to the wardrobe that held the clothes that I had brought with me.

After sorting through things, she frowned.

‘Hmm, nothing really suitable to wear for dinner, although, I must say that you chose quite well for normal day wear. Let us look at some of Sally’s dresses. You are of a similar size and she has many more choices.’

Sally was over in the corner changing her dress and I made a point of not looking at her as I was quite shy about such things. She was soon ready and sat on her bed reading a book whilst we were sorting out what to wear.

Mummy pulled out several dresses. They all looked pretty to me and I would have loved to try some of them on, but she wasn’t happy with any of them until she pulled out a white satin dress with a pale blue sash and lace ribbon trim. It was so pretty. She also gave me a stiff petticoat, a loose-fitting chemise and also white drawers and long stockings to wear under the beautiful dress.

‘Let me help you to dress Annabel as we need to hurry. Come over to the side here. Do not worry, I was a nurse for my husband and at a hospital some time ago so I have seen more people undressed than I care to mention.’

I looked over at Sally who was engrossed in her book and facing the opposite way. I was shy of my body and the unwanted boy parts and did not want her to see me in a state of undress.

Mummy could see that I was somewhat embarrassed but smiled.

‘Do not worry child,’ she whispered, ‘ Sally will not look this way. I think that she knows that you are shy and uncertain about how you feel about yourself. Now, please take all of your clothes off. You must get used to girls and women changing several times a day. You will soon learn that we girls do suffer for our beauty!’

We both giggled at that and her words put me at ease as I did as I was asked and, with her help, I removed my clothes.

Soon I was standing there with not a stitch on me.

‘Hmm, you are very thin, I can see your ribs quite clearly and…’

She looked down at my boy parts and frowned.

‘Annabel, may I look more closely at this area?’

I turned red and just nodded. I looked at Sally, she was still reading.

‘May I touch you down there?’

I just nodded.

This was all deeply embarrassing for me. I was only happy that she had been a nurse and used to this sort of thing.

‘It all looks a bit swollen,’ she said as she gently felt my sack, for lack of a better word.

‘Ouch!’

‘Hmm, how long have you been in pain down there?’

‘For some time, ever since a boy kicked me there.’

‘Does it hurt all the time?’

‘No, often it is just a dull ache. Occasionally though I get a sharp pain.’

‘All right, put this gown on.’

She passed me a dressing gown and I thankfully put it on as she went over to Sally.

‘Sally, please go to the doctor's office, I believe that it is on F-Deck, and ask for some pills for erm, a headache. Off you go now and be quick, we do not want to be late for dinner.’

‘Is Annabel all right,’ she asked as she glanced over at me sitting in a chair with just a robe gathered around me.

‘Yes, but she has a few aches and pains and such pains that might be helped by some aspirins or morphine. The doctor or nurse will choose what he or she feels is necessary. Now hurry along Sally.’

Sally put on a pretty jacket and with a slightly concerned smile at me, she left the cabin.

Mummy returned to me.

‘Annabel my dear, would you take off your robe and lie on the bed? I want to look more closely at the area that is bothering you. I wish John was here, but he is not and due to the circumstances, I do not believe that you would like the ship’s doctor to examine you unless completely necessary. Am I correct?’

‘Yes Ma’am.’

‘I did say call me Mummy as Sally does, if you wish, but only if you want to, that is.’

‘Sorry Mummy.’

She smiled.

‘That’s better, now would you lie on the bed?’

I did as she asked and laid down on my back. With her, I felt safe and I would trust her with my life. I had always liked her and I suppose, I had been jealous of Sally that she had a wonderful and kind mother and I had tragically lost mine.

She was very gentle with me, but as she was examining me down there, it did hurt somewhat and I did cry out in pain when she gently squeezed a few things.

‘I do not know how much you know about boy parts Annabel…’

‘Very little in the medical way. I do not speak of such things normally.’

‘Did your father know that you were having pains?’

‘I… I never told him. He had enough to worry about.’

‘You should have said something. I am concerned that your testicles are damaged beyond any chance of repair and it seems likely that they will have to be removed soon…’

‘Testicles?’

She pointed at my sack.

‘Oh.’

‘When we arrive in New York, she continued, ‘I will consult with my husband and he will know what to do. In the meantime, we will have to rely on medication to ease your symptoms. Unless you are willing to return to being a boy and then we can see the doctor and…’

‘No, please Mummy, I do not want that. We will be in New York soon, won’t we?’

‘Yes, four or five days from now, depending on the crossing and weather conditions. It is quite calm at the moment so I have hopes of a quick passage. I wish it were sooner because of your problem. However, if your condition worsens, we may have to call in the doctor, but let us not worry about that for the moment. We need to get you dressed; time is pressing.’

My mind was in a whirl as my new temporary mother helped to dress me. I was under no illusion, even at that young age, that my position was in any way permanent and things might change for me when we finally arrived in New York. I now had the additional worry about my health. I had lived with that nagging pain for a long time and had learned to live with it. I never told my father about the attack on me and the damage that I had down below. Dad had enough problems and, in any case, we could not afford a doctor, especially when work for him became all the scarcer.

Now, things were beginning to come to a head and my future seemed somewhat doubtful, despite the reassurances I had received from Mummy.

I longed for everything to be right and dreamed that I would be able to live as a girl and have these kind and loving people as my permanent family.

Whilst I was daydreaming, Mummy had dressed me and I returned to the present as she brushed and put some lovely blue ribbons in my hair.

‘There we are Annabel, as pretty as a picture. Go and look at yourself in the mirror my dear.’

Brushing off my worries, I did as she asked and there, before me, was the reflection of a young girl. I looked even prettier than the last time I looked in the mirror. I was not a vain person, but even I could see that I was indeed very pretty and I could see no sign of the boy I had been born as. The satin dress with the wide blue-ribbon sash around my middle was so pretty and the dress appeared to shimmer and sparkle in the reflection of the cabin lights. Completing the picture, my hair, although slightly shorter than I would have liked, looked lovely with its pretty bows and I truly loved the look.

Mummy came up and hugged me from behind.

‘So pretty, you could never be mistaken for a boy dressed as you are. Now stand up straight.’

I did as she asked.

Gently lifting my hair, she attached a thin gold chain that held a delicate small cross around my neck.

‘Oh, that is so pretty.’ I said, enthusiastically feeling the cross.

‘Yes, my Mama gave it to me when I was your age. You can have it, I have a few others from her and I think that will appreciate your first necklace.’

I turned around and hugged her.

‘Thank you so much!’

‘That is my pleasure Annabel.’

Just then, Sally came in, rather breathlessly.

‘Here you are Mummy,’ she said, handing over a brown paper bag.

She turned to me.

‘Gosh, that dress is so pretty on you. I must try it on soon, I’m quite jealous. Lovely necklace too, just like mine.’

She touched her cross, which looked almost identical to mine but in silver.

I had dragged my eyes away from the mirror when she came in and giggled at her comment. She was grinning and not showing any signs of disapproval at my wearing one of her dresses.

‘Annabel, please come over here,’ said Mummy.

I went over to her. She was holding a bottle and spoon and she poured some of the liquid from the bottle onto the spoon and then I was asked to take it.

It was quite sweet but with a slightly bitter aftertaste that made me grimace. I was given another spoonful and then she went over to the sink and washed the spoon.

‘That should help you Annabel, the medicine is morphine in a sugar solution and is good for removing pain, but you should not rely on it, as can be addictive. Luckily, we will be seeing John soon and he will advise us as to what treatment will be necessary to help you. Now girls, it is time to go. Sally, one of your ribbons needs to be attended to.’

Sally took off her hat, went over to the mirror and fixed her wayward ribbon headband. Whilst she was doing that, I put on my straw boater, affixing it to my hair with pins and then I was ready to go, as were the others after just a few moments. It was interesting to me, that I now felt that dressing this way was the normal thing for me and the fact that most of my life I had dressed as a boy seemed to disappear into the background of my memory after such a short time.

Strange, I thought.

Before leaving the cabin, Mummy handed us girls colourful silk shawls, as the corridors could be a little chilly sometimes. She picked up one for herself and we were finally ready to go for dinner.

As we walked down the corridors and stairs, we passed many people going about their business and some of the crew too, although, luckily, we did not meet anyone who knew me.

Eventually, we found ourselves at the door of the dining room and then we were led to a table in the centre of the room that could seat four.

I removed my hat and then as I went to sit down Mummy spoke.

‘Be careful to sweep your skirt under you Annabel, otherwise, it will be uncomfortable and might crease the fine fabric; just follow what Sally does’

Sally sat down without a problem and looked at me in a superior manner.

I just did the ladylike thing and poked my tongue out at her, as I did as Mummy asked and carefully swept my skirt under me using my hand, as I sat down.

Sally and I both giggled behind our hands.

‘Girls, behave, remember where you are.’

Mummy said this with a slight smile playing on her lips. I do not think that she was too angry at our antics.

The table had a pristine white tablecloth, gleaming silver cutlery placed just so, sparkling clean glasses and a flower decoration as a centrepiece.

The room was crowded and the chatter was rather loud. Over to the corner was a four-piece band playing music and it was all very genteel.

Soon we were being served by a waiter and I ordered Cream of Barley Soup followed by Roast Beef with Brown Gravy and Horseradish followed by Plum Pudding with Sauce. To drink, I asked for lemonade.

I was rather hungry!

As we ate our meal, I was very careful to follow the others in how I ate. It seems strange to say that, but I had not been taught such things whereas Sally and her mother had.

I was lucky that I had not stuck out like a sore thumb on my previous trips to the dining room!

Anyway, I am a quick learner and I do not think that I disgraced myself.

We stuck to speaking about things that would not draw attention to ourselves, as there were tables nearby and they could have heard us talk, despite the noise in the dining room. The last thing I wanted to talk about was the fact that physically anyway, I was considered to be a boy and it could be argued that I was on board under false pretences.

I was, despite getting used to being dressed as a girl and liking it, very new to all of this. I wondered whether I would be found out and exposed as a charlatan. There were people on board who knew me from before. I did not know if my being a girl would be enough to protect me from discovery…

‘Annabel?’

I jumped slightly.

‘Y…yes Ma’am, I mean Mummy?’

‘You did not answer my question.’

‘Sorry.’

‘I asked if you are enjoying your meal.’

‘Yes, it is very nice thank you.’

‘Well, be careful, you do not want to get anything on your pretty dress, now do you?’

‘My pretty dress, I think, Mummy,’ remarked Sally smiling.

‘Do not quibble Sally. If Anabell is wearing the dress, for the moment, it is hers.’

‘Does that mean I can get some more dresses when we arrive in America?’ asked Sally with an innocent look on her face.

‘You have plenty of dresses and many other clothes, already, young lady. I remember us doing an astonishing amount of shopping in London before arriving in Southampton and boarding this ship.’

I smiled, loving the interaction between mother and daughter and hoping against hope that I might be a permanent part of their wonderful family. I knew that I called them Mummy and Sister, as if I was their real sibling, whilst on board the ship. However, when we finally arrive in New York, I new that things might change dramatically. I still had no idea whether Sally’s father would accept me or whether I might just be turned over to the authorities.

I had been given assurances that I would be cared for but I lacked the confidence to fully believe that that was so.

I tried to put such worries to the back of my mind and just enjoyed the moment as I ate my meal, which was lovely.

Sitting there with Mummy and Sally, looking every bit of the girl that I now thought I was and surrounded by people who took all this finery for granted, I could not believe my luck. A few short days before I was at my lowest point and had nothing to look forward to. Now I had some hope that I would finally have some luck and my future might not be as bleak as I thought it was as I mourned the loss of my dear father.

Yes, dear patient reader of this journal, I did believe in my heart that I was indeed a girl, despite my wayward body. It did not make any sense to me that I felt this way, but I accepted it. Whether my dreams of continuing as a girl would be fulfilled, I had no idea, but I would enjoy every moment of it until something happened to change things.

After the lovely meal, we returned to the cabin and put on our coats. We were to have some fresh air on the promenade before retiring for the night.

Soon, wrapped up warm we went up to The Promenade Deck. It wasn’t too windy, although we had to fasten our boater hats under our chins with the ribbons, otherwise we were in danger of losing them overboard!

I was surprised that the sea was so calm. I fully expected the great ship to be going up and down a bit more. I had heard that the Atlantic Ocean could be rough at even that time of year – April. I did not like the idea of getting seasick!

It was an almost cloudless sky with so many stars twinkling above and a luminescent waxing moon casting shadows on the water. It was such a pretty sight.

Like others with a similar idea, we walked a little way along the deck until it grew somewhat colder and then we made our way inside and eventually found ourselves back at our cabin.

Both Sally and I were a little tired and so we were soon in our long white nightdresses and being tucked up in bed.

After kissing Sally goodnight, she turned to me.

‘Any pains Annabel?’

‘No Mummy, the medicine really helps but I do feel very sleepy.’

‘Well, my dear, I do so hope that John will be able to help cure your problem very soon. He is a fine doctor and surgeon and if anyone can put things right, he will.’

‘Will he accept me as I am?’

‘A girl?’

‘Yes.’

‘I have absolutely no doubt that he will love you as much as I and Sally do. Now, I see that you can hardly stay awake, so settle down now and remember, every minute, we are getting nearer to New York and a new life for all of us.’

She kissed me gently on the cheek and then left me to my sleep.

 
 

The next few days were interesting and exciting for me.

The passage was fairly smooth and the weather was fine. Whilst Mummy was busy with her writing, we were relatively free to walk the ship and explore where we were allowed.

On the 13th of April, before lunch, Sally and I were walking along the promenade, it was a little chilly so we had on overcoats, scarves and hats. The only downside to wearing skirts that only went down to mid-calf was that it could be somewhat drafty. Women with longer skirts that reached their ankles were better covered for outdoor excursions. Sally and I had on woollen stockings held up with garters when we ventured forth into the increasingly cold weather outside.

As we walked around the ship, we stopped sometimes to admire the view or to talk to other children who were as excited as us about being on that great ship.

At one point, we were at the rear of the promenade looking behind the ship and the long wake disappearing into the distance. A man came over and stood beside us.

‘Are you enjoying your trip, young ladies?’

He was an elderly man in the uniform of an officer. He had a striking appearance with a grey beard. He had four stripes on his sleeves.

‘Yes thank you Sir,’ I replied, rather shyly.

For once, Sally was struck dumb.

‘We are making good passage and should arrive on time. I’ll leave you to enjoy the view. Good day.’

He touched his hat and moved on.

Sally looked at me.

‘Do you know who that was? She asked.

‘No, an officer, I think.’

‘That was Captain Smith. I’ve seen pictures of him.’

‘He seems nice,’ I replied as I watched him speak to other passengers nearby, I wonder who’s steering the ship?’

‘He has other people to do that silly.’

We both giggled and after a few more minutes, we went inside where it was much warmer.

A few other occasions of note were that I saw several people on the ship who knew me when I was with my dear Father, including that officer that I had been trying to avoid. I had walked to the library and I saw him coming toward me in the corridor and I could not avoid him.

I looked down as he passed and he just said, ‘Good morning Miss,’

It was then that I started to feel a bit easier in myself and relaxed in my persona. As Mummy said when I broached the subject.

‘Annabel, you look nothing like a boy and I believe that you are safe in the knowledge that you will not be seen as anything other than the sweet young girl that you are.’

Sally giggled at the observation that I was ‘a sweet young girl’.

‘Sally,’ said Mummy sternly, ‘I do wish sometimes that you were as sweet as young Annabel here. You would learn a lot from her sometimes.’

Sally scowled at that and behind her mother’s back, she poked her tongue out at me. I did the same to her and that set us off giggling – again!

Mummy sighed and shook her head for some reason!

We spent our time on the voyage, when not braving the weather outside, playing card games like Snap and Happy Families, reading – Sally had several books, and trying on clothes and playing with our hairstyles and looks.

You must remember that I was very new to my feminine life and I had much to learn. It is easy to consider yourself to be a girl, but girls do things somewhat differently than boys. Every day, I learned something new about the mysteries of womanhood, from deportment to how to behave in public or at the table.

It was a wonder to me how I had survived not being found out before that fateful time that Sally came over to me in the dining room and, effectively changed my life forever.

The medicine worked wonders at reducing the various pains that I had. I know that Mummy was worried about me, but I believed that things would be sorted out once I arrived in America, that is if Sally’s father would help me.

As we crossed the Atlantic, it gradually became colder and we, that is Sally and I, were less inclined to go outside. In fact, one of the children, Marie was her name and about the same age as us, said that her mother had told her that one of the sailors had said that he had actually seen a small iceberg the previous evening just before sunset.

That did not worry us as the Titanic was the safest ship afloat and could not sink if hit by anything including icebergs. Although I did not want to dwell on even the possibility of that happening!

We went down to the various meals and I soon got used to the dining room and the correct way to eat the various courses on offer to us. From starters to the main course and then something from the sweet menu.

I had never had such food, that was always cooked to perfection and very fresh. Before, with my father food was something that was needed to keep you alive and active and it was, overall, very plain. The chefs on that great ship seemed to take pride in what they cooked and for that, I was truly grateful. I understood from Mummy that the first-class passengers had even better meals on offer, in even more opulent dining rooms, but I could not imagine that it could have been any better than what we had.

I had the chance to wear quite a lot of Sally’s clothes. The ones I had chosen from that chest in the hold were not, in the main, very good choices, according to Sally. However, it was strange that she wore some of my borrowed ones too!

It was so nice to wear such pretty and sometimes rather delicate clothes. It was all far away from the rough, functional clothes that I was forced to wear when trying to be a normal boy.

Time dragged a little whilst on board and Mummy insisted that we did some learning. Sally had been enrolled in a private day school just outside of New York and she was looking forward to finding new friends there. What was to happen to me was still somewhat up in the air but I would just have to be patient about that. In the meantime, we had to go to the library and borrow various books considered to be helpful and scholarly, such as history, geography and literature and at least attempt to study.

My father did his best to help me regarding my schooling, as he wanted the best for me, even though we were not very well off. I went to elementary school and was taught reading, writing, arithmetic, and religious instruction. I was quite bright and picked things up quickly, although I would not say the same for many of the others in my large class.

If my father was still alive, I would have had to leave school as I was twelve years old and that was the age when most of my contemporaries started to work. To be honest, we needed the money and it was supposed and expected that I would gain an apprenticeship somewhere or go into service.

My father and I both believed that there would be more opportunities for both of us in America, and that was why we intended to leave England.

All this changed when my dear father died.

 
 

On the 14th of April, we were still three days away from our scheduled arrival in New York.

Both Sally and I were increasingly looking forward to arriving, but for me, there was a little apprehension as I have previously mentioned.

In some ways, I did not want our voyage to end. I was getting increasingly comfortable as a sort of daughter and sister to two of the nicest people I had ever known. Sally treated me as a sister and Mummy was just that, a loving mother to me.

We were getting ever closer to New York. We were told in the morning at breakfast that there would be a lifeboat drill later that day, and strangely, I was looking forward to it, as it was something a little bit different. Other than that prospect, it was very much a normal day for us, like the ones before.

Mummy told Sally to go and get some more medicine for me but asked me to stay with her in the cabin. As soon as Sally left, Mummy wanted to see my groin area again.

I took off my knickers petticoat and skirt and laid down on the bed, lifting my blouse as I did so.

Mummy came over and had a look at me, gently feeling the area.

‘Does this hurt?’ she asked as she pressed certain parts.

I winced.

‘A bit,’ I replied.

‘Is the medicine helping?’

‘Yes, it dulls the pain and just after taking the medicine, I am pain-free for a while.’

‘I am not happy with this. Perhaps we should call in the ship's doctor?’

‘Oh please Mummy do not do that. He will discover my secret and all will be lost. We are arriving in New York very soon and Da…I mean your husband will see me and perhaps cure me?’

I must admit that I was very upset at the thought of the ship's doctor examining me and what the ramifications of that would be.

She sighed and shook her head slightly.

‘Get dressed my dear.’

I did as I was asked. I could see that Mummy was thinking about what to do.

Once I had dressed myself, I went over to the desk where she was writing something down. She then turned to me and held my hand.

‘Well Annabel, as you have said, we are getting quite close to our destination and therefore, unless you take a turn for the worse, we will wait until John can see you, but I want you to promise me one thing.’

‘What Mummy?’

‘That if your condition worsens or you feel that you are in any way unwell, you will tell me and I would then take the appropriate action that may include seeing the ship's doctor. Do you agree?’

I just nodded.

‘Say it, please.’

‘I will tell you, on my honour Mummy.’

‘Very well dear. All will be well for you given time. Now go and sit quietly, I have to deal with some correspondence that I should have dealt with some time ago.’

I did as she asked and sat and read a book by Mr Dickens called A Christmas Carol. I knew that it was not Christmas, but it was a favourite story of mine and had read it with my father just a few short months before. I was so pleased that it was in the library.

A few minutes later, Sally returned from her errand with a brown paper bag.

‘Here you are Mummy. The nurse says that Annabel will have to see the doctor if the condition doesn’t improve soon.’

‘Well, I have already discussed this with Annabel and we certainly will see the doctor if need be. Annabel, let me give you your dose.’

I did not like the taste of the medicine but took it like a good girl!

‘Mummy,’ said Sally, ‘there is going to be a children’s tea party down in the second-class lounge, may we go?’

‘Yes, my dear, it will get you out of my hair and perhaps I might get some work done without interruption; when is it to be held?'

'Three o'clock.'

'Well, you both will have to dress nicely as I am sure that others will be in their party frocks.’

‘Even the boys?’ asked Sally, cheekily.

I giggled behind my hand.

‘Silly girl!’

We had dressed nicely and I had on a white dress with a pink ribbon around my waist in my hair and Sally had chosen a sky blue one with white ribbons similarly attired. We both wore shiny black shoes and white long cotton socks.

Before leaving the cabin, we had an inspection from Mummy.

‘Very nice girls. You do look like sisters and very pretty ones too. Now go and enjoy yourselves. I will see you later.’

She kissed us both on our cheeks and we left the cabin to go to the party.

At just before three o’clock we arrived at the second-class lounge.

Others had arrived before us and there were, I suppose, about twenty-five children there, some older and some younger than us, ten boys and fifteen girls, including Sally and I.

I was pleased that we had put on our nice dresses as all the others had made an effort too, even the boys, who were dressed smarty, some with stiff white Eton collars, shirts, jackets and knickerbockers and others in sailor suits, befitting the fact that we were sailing on a ship!

Marie, the girl that we had met previously on the promenade was there in a lovely pale green silk dress and we said hello and sort of stuck together as we were let into the lounge.

We sat at one of the tables with some other children and we had a very jolly time. I had, by now, forgotten any concerns about being discovered as a boy. Dressed as I was, I did not think that there would be any danger of being found out. I had learned a lot from Sally and Mummy about behaving as a well-brought-up girl should and it was all becoming quite natural to me, despite the short space of time that I had been able to dress and be a girl.

I wondered what the other children at my elementary school, now hundreds of miles behind me, would think of this demure young girl sitting in the opulent surroundings of the Titanic Lounge enjoying lemon squash, finger sandwiches and little cakes!

We girls looked upon the boys in a sort of superior way as some of them were less than well behaved and sometimes slightly boisterous and loud.

I was so glad that I did not consider myself to be anything like them!

All too soon, the party was over and we said goodbye to our table companions and made our way back to our cabin. Through the windows, I could see that it was getting dark, but the passage was smooth and there was no sign of any rough weather. We had been so lucky with the weather as the Atlantic had a reputation for rough seas and uncomfortable passages.

We arrived back in the cabin.

‘Did you have a nice time girls?’

‘Yes Mummy,’ said Sally.

‘That is good. I am just going to have a quick bite to eat in the dining room, would you like to come with me?’

‘I’m a bit full up.’ said Sally.

‘Oh, so you would not like to have a cream cake?’

‘I might find room for a little one, how about you, Annabel?’

‘That sounds truly scrumptious,’ I said smiling and rubbing my tummy.

We all laughed at that and then we were soon on our way to the dining room.

When we arrived at the dining room, for once it was rather crowded and we had to join others at a table rather than having one just for us.

As I sat down, I blushed deeply when I saw someone I recognised.

She was the severe lady who said that I was sitting at her table when I went down to dinner, that first time I ventured out to use the dining room.

She peered at me through pince-nez glasses with a slightly disapproving look.

Mummy, nodded to her and to who I thought was probably her husband, a small man who, dare I say it, looked a bit timid compared to his rather formidable looking wife.

We sat down and then, shortly after, a waiter came over and Mummy ordered our drinks; cakes for Sally and me and something a little more substantial for herself.

The lady looked at me through her glasses, frowning slightly.

‘You are the girl who was at my table the other day?’

‘Yes Ma’am,’ I replied, my voice quavering slightly.

‘I am glad that your mother has come down with you.’

She turned to Mummy.

‘You are quite well now?’

‘Pardon?’ she replied.

‘I met your daughter at dinner the other day, she was alone; something that I would not normally approve of, but I understood from her that you were somewhat discomposed, seasick I Think she said?’

‘Erm, yes, I am better now. Thank you for enquiring.’

Mummy looked at me and raised her eyebrows.

I just blushed and closely concentrated on one of the small bows on my dress as Sally giggled behind her hand. I think that she was enjoying my discomfort.

Luckily our drinks and cakes then arrived and the lady turned to her husband and talked quietly to him. He didn’t say much, just nodded and shook his head occasionally.

At one point the lady, I never did find out her name, turned to Mummy.

‘I heard that they cancelled the boat drill, do you know why that is?’

‘No, I have no idea why. Perhaps they will arrange another tomorrow?’

‘Hmm.’

And that was the end of that conversation.

Mummy looked at me and raised her eyebrows.

I just blushed and focused on my cake as Sally giggled behind her hand. I think that she was enjoying my discomfort.

Eventually, we left the dining room and the withering gaze of the severe woman and made our way back to the cabin.

After reading and playing a game of cards, we were told to get ready for bed.

Sally and I made our way to the bathroom, used the toilet, washed our faces and cleaned our teeth.

Soon we were back in the cabin and getting ready for bed. I was tired, possibly caused by my medication but I find that doing very little during the day causes tiredness, don’t you?

Soon we were tucked up in bed and Mummy gave us both a kiss goodnight. This was something that I loved, a mother's sign of affection that I had had little experience of when growing up.

Mummy carried on writing for a while by the light of a small desk lamp, but I was, as I say, quite tired and soon dropped off to sleep.

 
 

I awoke suddenly from a light sleep.

It was very dark, but I had heard a strange noise, a sort of scraping and tearing sound and I could feel a sort of vibration.

I yawned, wondering what the strange sound was.

I was soon to find out.

---

 

Please leave comments...thanks!

I awoke suddenly from a light sleep.

It was very dark, but I had heard a strange noise, a sort of scraping and tearing sound and I could feel a sort of vibration.

I yawned, wondering what the strange sound was.

I was soon to find out…
...

A New Life

By Susan Brown

 
 

---

---

The scraping sound went on for what seemed to be a long time but it eventually stopped and I drifted off to sleep again. I think the effects of my medicine made me rather sleepy and not too interested in the incident.

I awoke to the sound of a loud knock on the door of our cabin. I was quite sleepy as I heard Mummy get up walk across the cabin and turn on the light. I blinked in the sudden light and sat up, as did Sarah.

Mummy, dressed just in her long flowing nightgown opened the door.

‘Ma’am I have to ask all of you to dress warmly, put on your life jackets and go up to the boat deck as soon as possible.’

‘Is this a drill?’

‘No Ma’am, we have struck an iceberg and we have to get everyone to safety. It is just a precautionary measure, but it is better to be safe than sorry. I have to go now. Please hurry though.’

The sailor went on his way and I could hear him knock and call out on the next cabin down.

‘Right girls, you heard the man, get dressed and wear whatever is warmest. I will help you Annabel can you manage Sally?’

‘Yes Mummy,’ said Sally and I could hear the fear in her voice. A few that I replicated. Mummy seemed calm though and that helped us to carry out her instructions.

I was told to remove my nightgown and like Sally, I put on two vests and sets of woollen stockings. I then put on several other layers and it all felt very bulky and warm.

As I was dressing I noticed that the ship was no longer on an even keel and there was a quite pronounced list to one side. This concerned me a lot but I said nothing as I did not want to add to the fear that we all had about what might happen to us and the rest of the passengers and crew of the ship.

Surely, I thought, the ship cannot sink.

We had all heard that the mighty Titanic was the most advanced and safe ship of its kind and it was hard to contemplate any real harm coming to her.

I looked up at the wall clock and noted that it was nearly a quarter past midnight, a very late time to go about the ship, but I had no choice, of course!

I heard some noise outside and concluded that many people were making their way to the decks above.

Eventually, we were all dressed in our coats and bulky life jackets. After checking that we girls had put on our lifejackets correctly, we were ready to go. Mummy picked up a bag stuffed with papers and other things, we picked up our reticules and hats and then made our way out of the cabin and proceeded up to the boat deck.

Many others were going the same way and it was strange that not much was said by anyone except a few of the younger children who did not know what was going on and a few of the babies who were crying lustily. I could see by the look of the other passengers that they were quite concerned, but I did not believe at that point that the ship was in any real danger and that things would be put right by the captain and his crew.

It was then that I noticed that I could not hear the engines, only a very loud hissing sound coming from above.

There were several of the crew about, jollying us along. We had been told that the lifts were not working and that all passengers must use the stairs. We all started going up the stairs. Sally and I kept close to Mummy as we went as there was a certain amount of jostling going on. It was a strange feeling going up those stairs as there was now a definite slope and it was getting difficult to climb them. As we went higher and higher, the strange hissing sound became louder. Someone said that it had something to do with the engines letting off steam, but as I have already mentioned I could not hear or feel any vibrations coming from the engines.

By now, I could sense the people around me beginning to get more concerned.

‘Stay close my dears,’ said Mummy and we did just that; frightened that we might soon be parted.

We arrived eventually at the boat deck and went outside.

I was struck by how cold it was and by the number of people milling about looking frightened and confused. This was definitely not a drill, the ship was obviously in dire peril. The hissing sounds were coming from the funnels high above us with steam rising high into the air.

Then I heard some music coming from inside. It sounded like the band and they were playing cheerful, uplifting music. Surely there could be nothing terribly wrong if they were playing? Perhaps the captain would be able to right the ship and we could continue on our journey to New York?

Then we heard an officer shouting above the din.

‘There is no danger, no danger whatever.’

This allayed my fears for just a moment but not for long as I could tell by the faces around me, including Mummy, that the officer did not assuage their fears to any extent.

Shortly after, there was a call for people to board lifeboats.

There was a certain amount of disbelief among some of the passengers, those who did not believe, even at that stage, that the ship could sink.

‘Mummy, what are we to do?’ asked Sally more scared than I had ever seen her.

Mummy was undecided as there was a definite lack of people wanting to get into the boats. I could understand that. The sea, although calm, would be an unhospitable place for a small boat. It was cold, very cold and it wasn’t a decision to take likely.

Mummy saw an officer helping an old lady and gentleman into one of the boats and we went over to speak to him. He looked worried.

‘Sir, could you tell me truthfully, are was about to sink?’ asked Mummy.

He looked around and then said as quietly as possible under the circumstances, ‘We have been told that the ship will sink within the hour Ma’am, we are trying to avoid panic.’

‘Thank you for your candidness.’

Mummy turned to us with a determined look on her face.

‘Girls, we must get in the boats now, but gather up some of those blankets from the side there. It is going to get much colder.’

Over to the side, I saw our friend Marie, standing there looking very scared with her parents.

I quickly went over to them and said, ‘We are getting in the boat, are you coming?’

‘Daddy says no.’

I looked at him and his wife, he looked almost as scared as Marie and his wife terrified.

Glancing around, full of indecision as to what I should do. I realised that they did not have the information that I had.

With a sudden determination, I spoke to Marie’s father. There was still a terrific noise coming from the funnels and I had to speak louder than I wanted to.

‘Sir, my mother has spoken to the officer by the boat. He says that the ship is going to sink shortly. I have to go, but please save yourselves.’

Without waiting for his reply, I quickly hugged Marie who was by now crying and hanging on to her mother's skirt. I then ran over to the boat where Mummy and Sally were waiting.

Once again we were told to get into the boat quickly and we did as we were asked. With some difficulty, we stepped into the waiting lifeboat, where the old couple were huddled up together to keep warm. Others were there too but the boat was far from full.

Looking back at the severely listing ship I could see some sort of argument going on between Marie’s parents while Marie was sobbing her heart out.

Soon, others joined us but the boat was still far from full.

Suddenly, Marie and her parents clambered on the boat and sat in front of us. They all looked as scared as we must have looked. Marie looked around at me, tears streaming down her face. She looked as terrified as I felt. I reached over and held her shoulder for a moment and tried to smile, but there was nothing much to smile about.

‘Anyone else want to come aboard?’ shouted the sailor, ‘we must go now. Men can come aboard too, there is plenty of room. Please join, it is for the best.’

Surely people can see by now that the ship is about to sink? I thought.

The ship was now listing heavily and still others were not joining us. There were huddled groups everywhere in their bulky life jackets.

I could not understand their reticence. Could they not understand the danger they were in?

I noticed the severe lady that had been at our table and her meek and mild husband standing at the back. I could tell by her look that she had no intention of joining us.

I caught her eye.

I shouted as loudly as I could.

‘Please come?’

She looked at me as if I was something unpleasant found on the sole of her shoe and just shook her head and looked away. Her husband, after saying a few words to her, just looked defeated.

I sighed thinking how stupid some people could be.

Glancing along the line of boats, and noticed with horror that, none of them were full and some were being lowered already without waiting for more passengers.

Moments later, two deckhands joined us and the boat was lowered slowly into the sea, joining others that were already there.

‘Mummy, why are there spaces left on the boat?’ asked Sally.

‘Some people do not want to leave the ship, no matter what they are told. Perhaps they do not believe that it will sink. The officer in charge had to make a decision to at least save the people who wanted to get off.’

As we were lowered, I could still hear faintly the ship’s band playing, despite the noise from the funnels.

We were in boat 5 and it lowered slowly but it was going down unevenly and it looked for a moment that we might be pitched into the sea, but somehow, the boat righted itself and we finally managed to get down safely.

We were unhitched from the ropes and the deckhands rowed us away from the stricken ship.

Suddenly, above us, a distress rocket flew into the sky, underlining the fact that the mighty Titanic was indeed in distress. It was 12.45 by Mummy’s watch.

As we rowed away from the ship, I could see that the steam from the funnels had lessened somewhat and the noise gradually petered out. I could now hear the sound of the band quite clearly and I wondered why they still played. As we rowed far enough away, I could actually see people still inside the ship.

‘Mummy, why are there not more people trying to save themselves?’ I asked.

‘I do not know my dear, perhaps they still feel that the ship is not going to sink despite what their eyes are telling them?’

‘Mummy, I’m scared,’ said Sally, wrapped up in her blanket and huddling close to Mummy, as I was.

‘We are safer here than on the ship my Darling.’

We were, by now, deemed to be at a safe distance for the ship. Many other boats were dotted about but not as many as I thought there might be. All of the boats that I could see were very much less than full and others nearly empty. I could not understand why that was but I felt too cold and scared to fully comprehend what was happening.

More rockets were now being fired, but looking around I could see no ship's lights on the horizon. On our boat, it was strangely quiet as we looked on at the tragedy that was playing out on board what we now knew to be the stricken Titanic.

By now the great ship was very low at the front and somewhat higher at the back. Some of the lowest portholes had disappeared under the water. The funnels had finally been silenced and we could hear shouts and a few screams from aboard.
Many people congregated at the back, perhaps thinking that it was the safest place to be.

I wondered how long it would take for the ship to sink and how many people might lose their lives, it was almost too terrible to contemplate.

More lifeboats had been launched but many had far too few people on them. I could not understand why this was. Did people not want to be saved or, even a that stage, perhaps they did not believe that their lives were in peril?

The only good thing as far as those in the boats were concerned was that the sea was still, almost like a mill pond.

Suddenly from the ship, some white distress rockets went up, lightening the sky.

‘Look,’ said one of the sailors with us who pointed behind, away from our ship

On the horizon were what looked like the lights from a ship.

Our hearts lightened as this might be the saving of everyone.

As we looked, I could hear yet more music coming from The Titanic. I recognised it as being Land of Hope and Glory.

Perhaps they had been made aware of the ship on the horizon?

A few minutes later, the lights of the ship had disappeared over the horizon. There would be no help from that quarter.

I could hear quite distinctly now the sounds of furniture, crockery and glass being broken on the stricken liner as the ship was pitched at an impossible angle.

‘That ship, they must have seen the rockets,’ I said to Mummy.

She just shook her head.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of gunfire coming from the ship, together with shouting and a few screams.

Looking across, I noticed that the bow of the ship was now under water and I wondered How long would she last before she slipped beneath the waves.

It was then we heard someone on the ship call using a speaker,

‘Boats, return to pick up my passengers.’

I looked around but no boat responded.

One of the sailors on our boat shook his head and said, ‘We cannot return to the ship, we have to save who we have and we would be sucked down should we go anywhere near the ship when it sinks and it looks like it might go at any moment.’

A few more boats were being launched with a great deal of difficulty and they were somewhat fuller than the ones that were in the water at the moment. It looked like many lives would be lost soon and my heart bled for them.

I felt that I was living in a nightmare that would never end.

I struggle after this length of time to even want to think of that terrible night, it upsets me so. Both Sally and I huddled into the folds of Mummy's clothes and blanket with our eyes shut tightly. I only looked up a few times after that and then Mummy told us to look no more. We were crying as were others in that boat. We felt utterly useless. I could hear the firing of guns, the screams and shouts…

We heard a tremendous cracking sound I looked up but could see nothing as the ship's lights had been extinguished. I learned later that the ship had broken in two and then went down quickly.

It was now quite dark with only the stars to give any illumination to the scene. I could hardly see in front of my face. Suddenly a hand gripped the outside of the boat. It was a survivor who had somehow swum to us. The sailors and Marie’s father helped the girl on board. She was shivering uncontrollably and was close to collapse. Mummy immediately went to the young girl, I would say she was a bit younger than Sally and myself and, as a matter of urgency, Mummy helped to strip her of the lifejacket that had undoubtedly saved her life, her sodden coat, dress and underthings. Mummy rubbed her dry with some blankets.

While this was happening, behind me I could hear the groaning of the great ship in its final throes.

I would not look, I could not look.

The screaming was terrible and the sounds would live with me for the rest of my days.

There was a terrible rending and breaking sound coming across the still water.

It was not quite pitch dark and others, more brave than I, did look at what was happening to that great ship and they were so, even Marie’s father was crying as he hugged his wife and child.

I had never seen grown men cry and it was so very distressing.

The rescued girl was almost insensible and was in something of a shocked state. It was good that she was very young and possibly more resilient than those who were much older.

As Mummy looked after the girl, I noticed one of the sailors look toward the ship, his mouth open.

The screaming from the ship had stopped suddenly.

The big strong sailor had tears running down his face as he turned to us.

‘She has gone.’

I looked behind me and saw only the dim outline of a few other lifeboats and also many people in white life jackets bobbing about on the freezing cold ocean, some shouting, others crying and still more, silent.

‘We must try and save some,’ said the sailor, visibly pulling himself together. His name was Fred, I think.

They rowed towards the nearest person, but he was dead. No one could survive very long in that icy cold water. We approached another poor soul, the same again…

We then found a man who was alive – just and he was pulled into the boat and Mummy, together with Marie’s Mother managed to save him.

Those were the last people in the water that we were able to pull out.

Many of the boats came towards each other. A few were overloaded with people and there was a certain amount of transfers so that the survivors were more easily distributed.

The next few hours were miserable ones. We got colder and colder.

The young girl, her name was Nancy, recovered quickly. She was eleven years old and was a third-class passenger. She hoped that her parents had been rescued on another lifeboat, but soon realised that there was little chance of that as they were not in any of the boats.

The girl was understandably bereft and we all did as much as we could to comfort her. Mummy said that she would look after her and that seemed to settle her down a bit.

I wondered if we would ever be rescued but Albert, the other sailor, said that distress signals had been sent and he fully expected a rescue as soon as a ship was near enough.

Eventually, there was a glimmer of light as dawn approached. By Mummy’s watch, it was about 4.10 when there was a shout from one of the other boats.

‘Ship, I see a ship, over there,’ said Fred pointing excitedly.

We all strained to look and there on the horizon, approaching quickly, was a ship.

There was a stifled cheer from some of our fellow passengers, others, like myself felt too numb to respond to our good news.

It took a few hours for everyone still alive to be picked up by RMS Carpathia and the grim job of recovering those who did not survive the icy waters.

We were provided with shelter, warm clothing, food and drink once aboard and were treated with such kindness that I would forever be thankful. We were allocated some space in one of the public rooms to share with many others. It was a bit congested but we certainly did not complain about that!

Mummy took Nancy under her wing. She was a nice girl but very quiet; understandable under the circumstances. She sometimes cried at the loss of her parents and we all did what we could to comfort her. She had no other relatives, and, like me, was very concerned about what might happen once we reached New York.

Sally and I were allowed on deck the following morning and we stood at the guard rail and spoke quietly, as there were others nearby. Nancy stayed with Mummy as she was still feeling the effects of her being in that freezing cold water. She had told us, once she had recovered somewhat from her shocking experience, that with her parents, they jumped off the ship at the last possible moment but the sinking of the ship had created such turbulence that they were parted on entering the water.

‘I think that Mummy and Daddy will adopt Nancy,’ said Sally suddenly.

‘Do you think so?’

‘Yes, and you of course.’

‘You cannot say that. Your father does not know of Nancy or me for that matter. Perhaps he would not want to get involved with me considering all the problems that I have.’

‘What problems?’

‘Do you forget that I am officially a boy?’

‘Oh, I did forget, but that does not matter, it is obvious to anyone with sense that you are a girl and always will be.’

She looked around and then spoke even quieter as the ship slipped through the water, rising and lowering slightly in the waves.

‘Mummy cannot have any more children. Something happened when I was born that made it impossible to have any other babies. Both Mummy and Daddy wanted to have more children, they both came from large families, and I know that they were sad when they realised that I was the only one. Mummy told me all this, one time when she was in an unguarded moment.’

‘I am sorry to hear that. She is a wonderful person and deserves good things.’

I thought for a moment and continued.

‘Sally, what do you think of this? Would you like to have me and Nancy as your sisters?’

She turned to me.

‘I already think of you as my dear sister and Nancy is sweet and I think that she would make a lovely addition to our family. I would be proud to have her as a sister, would you?’

‘Yes, I would. Let us hope that this can happen.’

With that, we went below as it was rather cold and draughty out on deck.

 
 

It took several days for us to get to New York from the place where the Titanic and all those poor souls went down. After an understandable amount of confusion and settling in on that, by now, very crowded RMS Carpathia, things calmed down a bit and got more orderly. The main problem the captain and crew of the ship had was to be able to supply food and clothing for the hundreds of additional passengers that they had to cater for.

We had no real change of clothes and Nancy had to wear the dress that had been soaked in the water, once washed and dried again. The crew provided us with coats and blankets and very basic food such as bread, crackers, soups and broth. A vast difference to the fare available on The Titanic, but very welcome and filling indeed.

One day, I was wrapped up warm and walking by myself on the deck. The day was slightly warmer and there was a watery Sun overhead.

A man was standing by the rail and I immediately recognised him as the husband of that horrible lady that I had encountered in the dining room twice.

On an impulse, I went over to him.

‘Hello,’ I said.

He turned to me.

‘Oh, it’s you, erm, Annabell, isn’t it?’

‘Yes Sir. I am glad that you were able to survive.’

‘Thank you. Yes, I am luckier than most.’

He looked worn and somewhat haggard.

‘And your wife?’

‘She did not come through it.’ he said his voice catching slightly in throat.

‘I am so sorry to hear that.’

‘She was a heroine.’

‘How so, if you do not mind me asking Sir?’

He looked out to sea and continued in a low voice.

‘We were to be on the last boat of the ship. She pushed me forward and I got in. The boat was very full and she was to be the last one to come aboard. There was a child there, alone. He could not have been more than ten or eleven. His parents were there and they were huddled together, knowing that their chance of survival was slim.’

He stopped for a moment and I could see that he was having great difficulty in continuing.

He then looked at me with tears in his eyes.

‘Synthia, my wife went to the family, spoke a few words and then pulled the child from the parents and pushed the young boy onto the boat. She then went back to the parents and embraced them. Just then, the boat was lowered and I saw them no more.’

‘I am so sorry for your loss. You must be very proud of your wife.’

‘I am; she appeared to have a somewhat prickly attitude to some but she had a heart of gold.’

We stood there for a moment and watched the sea go by.

Just then, a young boy in a rather dishevelled sailor suit came skipping up and stood next to the man.

He looked down, smiled and then held the boy's hand.

‘Cook says that I can have a sandwich, may I?’

‘Yes Albert, off you go.’

The boy hugged the man, who returned the embrace with obvious affection and then went off on his quest for food.

The man turned to me.

‘Albert is a good boy but still suffering from the loss of his parents. He wants me to be his new father and adopt him and I will, God willing.’

‘That is very good of you Sir?’

The man shrugged.

‘I have no one and nor does he. I think that will be good for each other.’

After a few moments, I left the man and went below. I rather regretted having such negative thoughts about that lady and I hoped that she and little Alberts's parents had not suffered unduly.

So many lives had changed after the tragedy and for the hundredth time, I wondered what was going to happen to me and Nancy.

Three days after the sinking, we arrived in a sombre New York.

There had been some limited wireless communication between The Carpathia and the shore and therefore our plight had been known by the authorities and others in New York and beyond.

Mummy had been able to send a brief message to her husband regarding the fact that she and Sally had survived. She could not elaborate on the situation as many others also wanted to send messages. So her husband had not been aware of the situation regarding Nancy and myself.

I would just have to be content to await the outcome of the meeting once we had docked in New York.

As far as I was concerned, I was still having problems with my groin area but was able to receive my medicine from the ship’s doctor, luckily without any form of examination. I just said that I had headaches. The doctor and nurse on board had far more to worry about because some of the passengers that had been saved were quite ill. Some due to the effects of exposure and others due to cuts, bruises and broken bones.

Mummy kept a close check on me. Although my pains were getting a little worse, making me need stronger medicine which inevitably made me more sleepy than I would have liked, she deemed it safe to wait until her husband was able to examine me.

What he would think of me, I did not know and the fear of rejection was getting stronger the nearer we got to port, despite many reassurances from Mummy and Sally.

We arrived at Pier 54 on the evening of the 18th of April. Apart from the crew and her own passengers, there were over 700 survivors from The Titanic.

Many of us lined the decks as we arrived at the port and we were surprised at the number of people there to greet us. There appeared to be thousands of people.

There were no banners or cheers and everything seemed understandably, very sombre.

I wondered where Sally’s father was. I fully expected him to be in the crowd somewhere.

We had nothing to carry other than our reticules and Mummy still had her bag with her. Once docked, there was an orderly disembarkation from the ship.

We were near the back of the line of people leaving the ship and I was glad of that as I was a little overwhelmed by the sheer number of people waiting at the quayside and I think that Nancy felt the same as me.

Sally continued to look for her father on the quay, but there were so many people, it was impossible to spot him amongst the throng.

I held Nancy’s hand as we followed Mummy and Sally off the ship after we had all thanked the officers and crew who had come to our rescue.

By the time we stepped onto the quay, the crowds had lessened somewhat but there were still many people about including photographers snapping away. And reporters shouting at us.

We all ignored them as we all walked a little way along the quay, not sure as to what to do or where to go.

There was suddenly a gap in the crowd and there stood Dr John Dempsey, Mummy’s husband and father to Sally. I instantly recognised him. He looked a little older than when I had seen him last, but he was still a tall, handsome man and had a nice kind face that looked delighted when he saw Mummy and Sally.

He came forward with a rush as Mummy and Sally went to him.

They all embraced and it was such a loving scene.

Nancy and I stood a little behind. She gripped my hand fiercely. I think that she was as afraid of rejection as I was.

This was the moment of truth.

Mummy and Sally moved aside and he finally saw us for the first time.

---

 

Please leave comments...thanks!

Nancy and I stood a little behind. She gripped my hand fiercely. I think that she was as afraid of rejection as I was.

This was the moment of truth.

Mummy and Sally moved aside and he finally saw us for the first time...

A New Life

By Susan Brown

 
 

---

---

I felt a slight tremble from Nancy’s hand as he looked at us for the first time although, it could have been my hand that was trembling.

Dr Dempsey looked slightly confused. Mummy went to him and whispered into his ear as a smiling Sally rushed over, stepped between us and grabbed hold of our hands.

‘Daddy, this is Annabel and Nancy.’

Mummy whispered something else in his ear as she and her husband walked up to us.

He was smiling and I hoped sincerely that this was a good sign. To say that I was quaking in my shoes would be something of an underestimate.

I was acutely aware that when the good doctor last saw me, I was very different looking than I was now, in my pretty but slightly grubby dress and coat with my bonnet tied under my chin with a ribbon, as it was a bit windy. I believed that I now looked every bit of the girl I believed myself to be. I did so hope that he would agree with me.

He stooped down and looked me in the face.

‘Annabel, is it now? Well, it is a bit of a shock seeing you as you are now, as pretty as a picture, and I think that we will need to have a nice long chat about what has been going on with you. I am so sorry to hear about your father passing away. My wife says that you have some health issues that need looking into rather urgently but, I am sure that we can rectify what ails you.’

He smiled warmly and my heart melted. He was not judging me and he was treating me most kindly. It gave me the strength that I sorely needed at that moment.

He turned to Nancy, who was still holding my hand and looking somewhat scared.

‘Nancy, is it?’ he asked softly.

She nodded, saying nothing.
‘Well Nancy, I am sorry to hear that you have lost your parents. I fear that you are far from the only child to lose their parents in this tragedy. We will look after you, have no fear of that. The same goes for you, Annabel. Now everyone, let us go home.’

So, we left the quay where so many people had come ashore for the first time. I was acutely aware that many others had not had the chance to reach America and as such, we should consider ourselves as the lucky ones that had survived the sinking of that great ship The Titanic.

Soon I found myself in a very smart and expensive-looking four-wheel brougham carriage, Sally, Nancy and I sat on one seat and Mummy and the doctor sat opposite us. The coachman was taking us to the home that the doctor had bought for his family. I wondered what it would be like and whether Nancy and I would have a place there, despite the assurances that we had had.

The doctor was nice and kind, but my confidence was not great. Too much had happened to me recently to give me very much confidence in my future.

Sally and her father were having a lively conversation about where we were going. He described the new house and it sounded wonderful. Mummy looked at my worried features and smiled. She had no worries now; she had arrived safely in New York with Sally and their future seemed assured.

I looked out of the carriage window, listening to the turn of the wheels and clip-clop of the horses. It seemed much like London here, if perhaps a bit newer in places. The buildings were large and imposing. After a while, I noticed that we were going along some sort of high street where shops abounded. Everywhere was bustling with so many people going about their business. I wondered in passing if they had followed the tragedy involving The Titanic.

As if on cue, I then noticed a paper seller with a sign that said Carpathia arrives with survivors and that answered my question.

The streets were packed with people going about their business. All manner of transport filled the streets, sometimes stopping us from moving on. There were horse-drawn carriages of all kinds, trolleys, something that I had seen and occasionally ridden on in London, many bicycles and a few noisy automobiles chugging along with much smoke billowing from the rear. I also noticed stairs leading down to subways, similar, I think to the underground railway we had in London.

Eventually, the shops, offices and other such places turned into more residential areas. Unfortunately, the areas that we were passing through had a depressing familiarity where poverty, inequality, and inadequate living conditions were evident and reminded me of where I had been living of late.

In our carriage, Nancy had fallen asleep and was leaning against my shoulder and I put my arm around her. Sally was still talking animatedly to her father and I could see the love that they had for each other.

‘Are you all right Annabel?’ asked Mummy quietly.

‘Yes Mummy,’ I replied.

‘Any pains?’

‘A little but not too bad,’ I replied.

I did not want to make a fuss. The jarring of the carriage had made me feel somewhat uncomfortable, but it wasn’t too bad yet. I wished that I had access to the medicine that I had been able to have on Titanic, but I would just have to do without. I scratched at my chest, my nipples were somewhat itchy, but I put that down to the clothes that I was wearing. Thinking about it, my chest had seemed a bit puffy and itchy of late, but I had had other things to worry about…

Dr Dempsey was looking at me with a slightly puzzled expression and I could feel my face get hot. I suddenly realised what I had said. Did he object to me calling his wife Mummy?

He then smiled.

‘Mummy, is it? Interesting. So, Annabel, you are in some pain?’

‘Yes Sir, a little.’

‘As soon as we get home, I will have a look at you and try to ease your pain, is that agreeable?’

‘Yes Sir. Thank you, Sir.’

‘Hmm, I don’t like the ‘Sir’ thing. Perhaps you would like to call me Father or Daddy as it looks like we are on the way to increasing our little family?’

‘Daddy,’ interjected Sally, looking at him sternly, ‘not Father, that sounds a bit too Victorian and formal.’

She then turned to me.

‘It has to be Daddy, Annabel.’

‘Thank you, Sir…erm Daddy.’ I said to him grinning, my heart feeling like it might burst out from me in my happiness.

For some reason, we all laughed and that woke up Nancy who looked at us wondering what we were all grinning at.

‘What?’ she asked.

‘I’ll tell you later, young Nancy,’ said Sally.

‘I’m not that young!’ said Nancy.

For some reason, we all laughed again and Nancy, after a bit, joined in.

---

We continued on our journey and as I looked out of my window, I could see that the houses gradually started to look nicer and there was more greenery around. In myself, I was happier. It appeared that the vague promises given to me by Mummy were, in fact, true. It very much seemed that Nancy and I were to be accepted into the family. I wondered, in passing, just how much my new Daddy, as I loved to call him now, knew of what happened to me and how much Mummy had told him in the brief conversation that she had with him whilst on the Carpathia when she had access to communications with the land.

I wondered, not for the first time, how I found myself in the position of being effectively a girl - although I knew in my heart of hearts how impossible that sounded – and also after all my trials and tribulations I was now being looked after by such a wonderful family. I felt that indeed I was blessed and I strongly felt that my original father and mother were looking down on me and with God's help, allowing me to live the life I was now experiencing.

I knew that things would probably get difficult for me in the future and my current health was a possible cloud on the horizon, but I would let the future look after itself and see what would happen when it did.

I had no illusion of how unusual my position was. I felt like a girl but I had parts that only boys had. In our enlightened and modern society, I would hope to be accepted but time will tell. I would just have to wait and see.

Looking back on my life as a boy, it all seemed somewhat distant now, almost as if I was another person, as I supposed, looking down at what I was wearing, I probably was!

Since dressing as a girl to hide myself on the ship, no one had questioned my gender. I had been accepted for who I now considered myself to be, a girl. I looked back with some distaste at having to be a boy; someone who is expected to be strong, never cry or show feminine emotions. Perhaps I had always felt that I was a girl and the influence that Sally had on me had rubbed off. I had no idea and I would just accept that I was different from boys and be happy that I had found the real me.

My thoughts were interrupted. We had been going along a wide road and then we suddenly turned in through some wrought iron gates. The gravel drive seemed to go forever as we went through what looked like a nice, large, well-tended park and gardens.

After some little time, we stopped outside a large house, almost a mansion.

Surely this is not our destination? I thought.

But indeed, it was.

As we all got out. I was, as usual, holding Nancy’s hand. She required as much if not more reassurance than me as we were greeted by a smiling servant who opened the carriage door and helped us out.

I was feeling hot and achy, and I suppose slightly lightheaded, but I had felt that before and was distracted by what I was seeing before me, so I ignored it.

The servant led us into the house.

Sally being Sally, ran on ahead and did not seem overalled by the magnificence of the house. I wondered, in passing, just how rich my new parents were. I was aware that Daddy (I did love calling him that!) had come into some money and judging by what I was seeing, it must have indeed been an immense amount!

I looked up and gasped at the magnificent hallway, with a marble floor and a staircase to rival the one on the late lamented Titanic.

There were some pictures on the wall in gilt frames, some portraits of people long ago, judging by their clothing and others that were of country scenes.

Looking up, I could see a large crystal chandelier, reflecting the light coming from the large windows to the side. It all looked rich and opulent and was all a bit intimidating to a girl not used to such surroundings.

A side door opened and a matronly looking woman in a dark dress came out and Sally ran over to her and hugged her tightly.

I recognised her as being the family cook. I knew her from when I visited Sally’s home occasionally. She made lovely biscuits and cakes, I remembered. Her name was Mrs Abbott or as she preferred to be called, Molly.

‘There you are, Miss Sally. My, you are as pretty as a picture, although your clothes have seen better days, not surprising after all you have been through, you poor thing.’

Mummy and Daddy had come up to Nancy and me and Daddy put his hands on our shoulders.

‘Molly, this is Annabel and Nancy. You may or may not recognise Annabel.’

The cook looked up at us as she held Sally’s hand.

‘Hello girls, erm Annabel, I seem to recognise you from…wait a moment, Arthur? Why are you dressed as a girl? I do not understand…’

‘Molly, let me speak with you,’ said Mummy, going over to her and leading her away.

I was slightly upset. I knew Molly to be a kindly soul and I wondered how she would feel once my circumstances had been explained to her. I felt then that not everyone would accept me for who I was, a girl in the wrong body. I wondered how things would be for me in the future and worst of all, that I might be forced to pretend to be a boy and wear clothes that did not reflect who I really was.

‘Don’t worry Annabel, we will sort things out for you…’

I was glad of that, but by now, I was acutely aware of the pains in my body. I leant up against a wall. The journey in the carriage had, at times been a little rough as not all the roads were paved smoothly and it jarred my already slightly delicate parts.

Just then, a door opened and a woman in a fine dark green dress came into the hallway.

She was young, perhaps very early twenties, very pretty and had a nice gentle smile on her face.

'Ah, Miss Smith, this is Annabel and Nancy, two welcome additions to our family. Girls, Miss Smith is to be your governess and will be assisting us with your education and other things. When my wife and I are not here, she will, apart from being my secretary and assistant, be looking after you when you are not at school.’

‘School?’ asked Nancy.

‘Yes, you will both be enrolled in the same girl’s school as Sally. We believe in a good education for girls, unlike some less enlightened people. It will set you up in life.’

Through my pain, I vaguely reasoned that there might be problems with me being enrolled in a girl’s school. Much as I considered myself to be a girl, I had difficulties that even you, dear patient reader, might consider to be insurmountable, but I had more immediate problems that were concerning me at that moment and it was all getting a bit much for me.

The ever-present pains in my groin area were becoming even greater and I was beginning the perspire and feel a bit faint. Perhaps all this was getting to me.

Suddenly things went dark and I could feel myself slipping to the floor and after that, I knew no more.

---

On reflection, I did not realise that I was quite ill. For some time, I drifted in and out of consciousness. The fact that I was in pain was obvious at times and at other times, I felt numb, pain-free but unable to move. Sometimes I felt hot and fevered and at others as cold as ice.

I was occasionally aware of people around me; the sound of hushed voices and my fevered brow being softly wiped. However, it was all a bit hazy.

At one point, I could feel something being put over my mouth and nose. It smelt rather unpleasantly of rubber, but before I could think any more about it, I went to sleep.

I had a strange dream that felt so real to me. I was in a park. The sun was shining and the flowers were so pretty. The slight breeze rustled the leaves in the trees and I was at peace. I was wearing a long white flowing dress and my lengthy hair occasionally brushed against my face. I had no shoes on and my bare feet felt wonderful on the cool grass as I walked down to a lovely lake.

Suddenly from beneath the lake, there was a slight disturbance in the calm water. I stood there and watched my father, mother and my dear sister emerge from the water and walk up the shore toward me. Although they had been submerged, they were as dry as a bone.

A lovely little girl, who I knew must be my sister was in my mother’s arms and looked about three years old. They all looked healthy and happy, with no signs of illness or distress. They were all well-dressed, Father in a smart suit, Mother in a long white dress and my dear sister in a short dress, also white but with pink ribbons.

I felt no fear only the love that I had for my family. I wanted so much to be with them.

They stood before me and my mother spoke.

‘Annabel, we love you and want you to be with us, but not yet. You need to go back and be the girl and eventually the woman that we know you will be; kind, considerate and a credit to us. Go back now and we will be together again in the fullness of time. Accept who and what you are and go with our blessing.’

‘Go now Annabel and live a full and happy life,’ added my father smiling.

My sister said nothing but waved and giggled. She looked so happy.

I felt myself drawn away from them and they seemed to be suddenly engulfed by a mist. I was so sad as they finally left me and then, everything went dark…

Eventually, I awoke one morning feeling a lot better, if a bit weak. I lifted my head from the soft pillow and became more aware of my surroundings.

Over in the corner of the bedroom, sitting in a comfortable-looking chair, was a young lady in a nurse’s uniform. She was reading a book. She was very pretty and had a pleasant face.

I coughed, my mouth and throat were very dry.

She looked up and smiled. Putting her book down, she stood up and came over to me.

‘Hello Annabel, back with us, are you? How are you feeling?’

‘Alright, I think,’ I croaked, ‘very thirsty though.’

She reached over to a bedside table, picked up a carafe of water and poured some into a glass.

‘Can you sit up a bit?’

I did as she asked and then she helped me to drink the water.

‘Just small sips Annabel.’

I did as she asked and liked the sensation of the cool liquid as it went down my parched throat.

I felt as weak as a kitten but much better than I knew I had been.

‘What happened to me?’ I asked as she put the glass back on the bedside table.

‘It’s not for me to say Miss, but you have been very ill and are now on the mend. I will go and fetch the doctor.’

She took the glass from me and put it on the bedside table.

I lay back, staring at the ceiling. I felt rather hot and I noted that I was wearing a nightcap and I removed it, allowing my hair to flow freely. I wondered what had been wrong with me and if had it something to do with my groin problems. I absent-mindedly scratched at my chest through the thin fabric of the nightgown. Both nipples felt itchy and swollen and that was puzzling. I remembered that I had had problems there before but had discounted the fact.

I put my hand tentatively under the covers and felt for my groin. The area was slightly achy but covered in a padded bandage of some kind. Had the doctor done something down there?

I smiled as I remembered the kind face of Doctor Arnold. I also recalled that he said that I could call him Daddy and that was nice. I was under no illusion that things might stay the same and my circumstances could change at a moment’s notice. I had been made certain, but what I considered to be, tentative promises about my future but I was an insecure creature and all the things that had happened to me of late did not lend me much in the way of a secure future, however much that I would want one.

The door opened and I saw that the doctor and his wife had come in. I was too shy for some reason to call them Mummy and Daddy, despite their earlier reassurances.

‘Well Annabel, how are you feeling?’

‘A little weak Sir and slightly sore in places but otherwise quite well.’

‘Hmm, would you let me have a look at you?’

‘Yes Sir.’

‘What is all this Sir business, Annabel? Do you not want to call me something else?’

I nodded shyly.

‘Well?’

‘Erm, Daddy?’ I replied tentatively.

‘Yes, nothing had changed you know. Now let me have a look at you. Will you help my dear?’ he asked his wife.

‘Of course, Darling,’ said Mummy, who smiled at me reassuring me.

The bedcovers were pulled down and with some help from Mummy, I stood up rather unsteadily and removed my rather damp nightgown. I noticed that a rubber tube was coming out from beneath the bandage and the tube ran into a bottle by the side of the bed. The bottle had dark orange liquid in it and it was obvious to me that it was urine or wee as I preferred to call it.

‘What is that?’ I asked, pointing at the tube.

‘A catheter,’ said Mummy, ‘it helps you to go to the toilet when you cannot go normally.’

‘Oh,’ I replied, not really understanding very well.

The effort of moving after so much time made me feel slightly giddy and very weak and I was glad to lie back down on the bed with no clothes on except for the large bandage around my groin area.

Mummy held my hand whilst Daddy removed the bandage and had a look. I didn’t want to look down there myself as I was concerned as to what I might see.

I felt his slightly cold hands feel about the area.

‘Does this hurt?’ he asked.

‘No.’

‘What about this?’

I jumped slightly.

‘A little bit.’

‘You are healing very well considering, Annabel. I think that we can remove the catheter now. I do not want it to stay in there too long as it can cause an infection and you have had enough of those. It might hurt a bit and I’m sorry for that, but it’s soon over with.’

Whilst Mummy held my hand, I felt a tugging and a sharp pain down below.

I grunted in pain but it disappeared almost as soon as it started.

‘That is better,’ said Daddy, ‘can you stand whilst we help you to get a fresh nightgown back on?’

I nodded and stood up with my eyes closed. It helped, as I was feeling light-headed and the room was spinning around alarmingly.

Soon, I was tucked up in bed again in a clean white nightgown over some pretty lacy drawers that were much more comfortable than bandages and I almost immediately started to feel better. The strange pressure I had experienced before in my groin had thankfully disappeared.

The experience had worn me out somewhat and despite all the questions I wanted to be answered, without realising it, I fell asleep.

---

I woke up later feeling much better. I stretched and yawned.

‘Awake at last?’

I opened my eyes and there was Mummy at my bedside.

‘Sorry, I fell asleep,’

‘I’m not surprised Dear, considering what you have been through.’

‘What happened Mummy?’

‘Are you up to hearing about it?’

‘Yes please, but can I have a drink of water?’

‘Of course, my Darling.’

‘I like it when you call me that. I did wonder if things would change once we arrived in New York.’

‘You know that we said that we would care for you.’

‘I know, but people sometimes say things that they do not mean.’

‘I mean what I said and so does your new father. We have already applied for you and Nancy to be adopted by us. Do you still want that to happen?’

‘Oh yes Mummy, more than anything.’

‘Good, now sit up and take this glass. Try not to spill any water. I will go and get Daddy; he will be in a better position to explain to you what has happened.’

‘Am I going to be alright?’ I asked.

‘Yes, you are. I’ll let him explain as he was one of those who examined and treated you.’

‘Where are the girls?’

‘At school, they will see you presently, I promise. I will not be long.’

She left me to my thoughts.

My fears, such as they were about what would happen when I arrived in New York, were groundless and it appeared that I did not have a dreadful disease, although I was still somewhat puzzled as to what had happened to make me so ill.

Before I had time to let my imagination grow wild, my new prospective parents returned.

‘Hello Annabel,’ said Daddy as he walked up to the bed and sat down on the edge, ‘how are you feeling?’

‘Much better thank you.’

‘That is good. I was going to tell you things the last time I saw you but of course, inconveniently, you fell asleep.’

He smiled.

‘Sorry,’ I said.

‘You have been through a lot and perhaps then was not the time to speak of such things. Are you ready to hear what has happened?’

‘Yes please Sir…erm, Daddy.’

He smiled again.

‘Forget that Sir nonsense; as far we are concerned, you are our child and this will be confirmed very soon. We have already been told unofficially that there will be no objections to both Nancy and you being adopted. So you can rest easy on that score.’

‘Thank you, Daddy and you too Mummy. I’m the luckiest girl alive.’

Mummy pulled up a chair and sat by the bed, holding my hand.

‘Hmm,’ said Daddy, ‘interesting that you say that you are a girl so naturally. Let me explain. When you collapsed, I was very concerned. You were carried upstairs soon after and I examined you and found things that I was not happy about. Your mother had already told me about your medical problems and I was intrigued, to say the least, to find out what was ailing you. As soon as I examined the unusual and perilous state of your testicles, I realised that they would have to be removed as soon as possible.

‘You had a fever and was unconscious. You were conveyed to the hospital urgently. I am no expert on the condition that you have, I’ll explain that in a moment, but luckily, one of the doctors there, Dr Manners, has had some experience with this sort of thing. You had a high temperature and an infection. We had hoped to reduce your temperature and let your body get better and that would normally take some time. Time that we did not have if we were to make you better as quickly as possible. Luckily though, you are young and, apart from a few issues, relatively healthy, so we decided to deal with your problems immediately. Now Annabel, I have a few things to tell you which might be somewhat embarrassing and upsetting for you. Are you ready to hear about it?’

‘Yes Daddy,’ I replied, with a certain amount of dread. Was I dying?

He saw the look on my face and must have read my mind.

‘You are well now and have nothing to worry about, so have no fear on that score.’

Mummy held my hand as Daddy continued and I was glad that she did as I liked the reassurance of her gentle touch.

‘Now Annabel, as I said, I had Dr Manners have a look at you whilst you were unconscious and it was decided that we had to operate immediately to get rid of your infected, malformed testicles. Although there were some worries about operating on you whilst you were so ill, we believed that it was necessary as the root cause of the infection was situated in your genital area. I am keeping things simple for you so that you can understand. The last thing you want to hear is a whole list of medical jargon that would probably go over your head. Am I right?’

I nodded. I was finding the explanation hard enough as it was!

‘Good girl. Now, how much do you know about the differences between boys and girls?’

‘Erm, girls are prettier, their voices do not change but they develop more, erm shape as they grow up and they don’t have, erm boy bits. Oh, and they can have babies?’

I knew that I was blushing furiously. I found the subject rather embarrassing, to say the least.

Mummy spoke up.

‘You and I are going to have a little talk later, Annabel about such things, but don’t worry, you are not the only one who has a lack of knowledge on this subject. You are of an age where you need to know a little bit more about your body.’ She turned to Daddy, ‘I suggest that you keep it very simple darling, she is only a child.’

Daddy sighed and then shrugged.

‘Very well. I will say this though. When we removed your damaged and very undeveloped testicles, we found out that hidden beneath were some organs that only a girl would have. Your penis was, in fact, a large clitoris, something that only girls have. We performed some surgery to put things right and you are, effectively a girl and not a boy. In fact, it is possible, if everything down there is functioning correctly, that you could bear children.’

‘I…I’m a real girl and can have babies?’

‘Yes, don’t look so shocked, it is normal for women to have babies! As far as we can ascertain, you are a girl. You had a few boy bits like those testicles but they were malformed and damaged and were removed and it was a good job that we did so and found out the secrets that lay under the skin as it were. Mummy will explain about menses and other things that a girl should know about, but had we not performed corrective surgery on you, you would have been very ill indeed. We tidied a few things up and we are pleased that you now look like any other girl down below. We had to do some corrective surgery on you so that you can urinate properly. Of course, you must sit down to urinate but it may be a little messy at times. Mummy will explain how you should try to keep things clean down there.’

‘I am a girl?’ I repeated, not taking much in.

‘Yes Dear,’ said Mummy, ‘you are and a very pretty one too.’

Of course, I then burst into tears, tears of happiness.

---

How should I close this account of what happened to me in that fateful year when I lost my father, journeyed on that fateful voyage of the Titanic, found my new family and discovered that I was a real girl?

It took some time for me to get better. I had been very ill and the infection and the problems involving my transition to full girlhood following surgery took its toll. But get better I did. I had a few minor additional surgeries to make things right down below but eventually everything was sorted out and Daddy and Mummy were pleased with the results and, of course, so was I!

I was formally adopted along with Nancy about a month after arriving in New York. I was now officially part of the family and a very happy one we were. I was given a new birth certificate with my new name and status on it. There were no awkward questions asked by the authorities. Many people had lost their papers in the sinking of that great ship.

It took some time for me to get used to the fact that I had always been a girl and that no one knew of it, not even my original parents. Nancy, Sally and I were the closest of sisters and did everything together. There was no sibling rivalry. We had gone through a lot together and that was reflected in how we were with each other. Nancy came out of herself and grew to be a lovely, confident, popular girl.

Sally, being Sally, was a very forward but occasionally naughty girl who had to be reined in sometimes, especially at school where she was a bit of a torment to the poor teachers. I was accepted at the school as the girl I now know I really was and I fitted in like any other girl, enjoying the lessons, games and many friends I made.

I acquired, as did my sisters, an extensive range of clothes and we all had great fun going to the shops in New York to try things on and purchase so many lovely dresses and other essentials. I was not so happy about wearing corsets as I found them rather restrictive and preferred camisoles, although I was sometimes forced to wear those restrictive garments if a dress required the shape that only a corset could give.

I loved looking pretty and found it hard to remember what it was like to wear boys’ clothes. New York was the place to be to find the latest, best fashions and we girls were lucky enough to be able to afford what, to some, would be some rather extravagant purchases.

There was a lot of fuss and bother regarding who was at fault regarding the sinking of the Titanic, but my family and I did not involve ourselves in that, as we just wanted to get on with our lives and put that part of our history behind us.

Our family was rich because of the inherited wealth we were lucky to have. We lived in a wonderful house with large grounds and when not at school, we had a lovely time running around and enjoying ourselves. Many times, we had friends from the school visit us and a great time was had by all. I loved my school and made many friends. No one ever thought that I had once been a boy and I was very happy to be there.

Daddy soon became a valued, senior doctor at the hospital but was in the lucky position of being able to spend some valuable time with the family and not be overworked, something that had happened all too frequently when he was working in England, and he wanted to avoid in the future. He believed in the importance of family life and I loved him for it.

As parents, they were wonderful to me. Yes, I missed my father and to a certain extent my mother, but life had to go on and over time I got over my grief about Dad and the loss of my mother and sister. My losses would never fully go away and I vividly recalled the dream that I had when I was ill where I met them all down by that lake. I felt that it was somehow real and that I would meet them one day in heaven.

As I grew, my body changed as all girl’s bodies do when they get older. I developed breasts and my figure became shapelier the older I got. One morning I awoke and screamed. There was blood on my nightgown and the bed sheets.

Mummy was there in an instant and calmed me down. We had spoken of such things as soon as I was confirmed as being a real girl; one of those mother-daughter talks that are so important to a growing girl. I had all but forgotten the fact that eventually, I would have a rather unwelcome visitor once a month.

In a way, after I had cleaned myself up and gotten over the shock, I was pleased to have such a confirmation that everything appeared to be in working order and that I might, one day, marry a handsome man and be blessed with children.

I was indeed a very lucky girl.

---

I sat on the veranda, looking down past the green lawn and gazed out once again at the sea.

Many years had passed now and I still felt that I was very lucky. So many people had perished on the Titanic. It was said that it was unsinkable, but that was never the case. The ship was in the wrong place at the wrong time and the accident happened. The damage was so bad that no ship could have survived the catastrophe.

The sun was setting, casting its reflection on the water. The sky overhead was blue and clear.

I could hear the sound of laughter and looked over to the side of the huge garden where my grandchildren were playing. Emily and John were twins, terrible twins my husband Michael and I called them. But they weren’t terrible at all, they were the light of our lives.

We were looking after them as my daughter, Sally, named after my darling sister, and son-in-law, Phillip was away on a well-needed break.

I could bore you with details of how my life went after 1912 but I won’t as it was not that exciting except to say that I met the man of my dreams in 1922 and he and I were blessed with a daughter and she married Phillip. Not too long after, Sally gave birth to the twins and indeed I felt blessed.

The rest of my history would be unexciting to anyone not in our now extended family.

Mummy and Daddy are still alive and quite well considering their advanced age. We see them often as they live nearby in the house where I first lived when coming to America.

My sister Nancy lives in Chicago and is married to a vet and helps her husband run his practice. They had five children and countless grandchildren and I wondered how they managed to run a vet’s practice and run a large household at the same time! The children have all grown up now and flown the nest. Paul, Nancy’s husband keeps threatening to retire as they are constantly being asked to babysit grandchildren. I think that he will carry on caring for animals though, as that is the thing he enjoys the most doing. We meet Nancy and Paul on high days and holidays and have a great time reminiscing about all the fun times that we have had.

Sally, how can I explain that force of nature? She has ambitions, has our Sally and she hopes to become governor of New York soon. Her husband Mark Joyner, is one of the richest men in the country and I am sure that his financial backing will help to oil the political wheels when the time comes. They had one child, Robert, but he unfortunately died serving his country and is sadly missed by us all.

I often meet with Sally and we have a great time. She wants me to run for Congress, but I have no political ambitions and anyway, I’m not very good at speeches and find it difficult to lie convincingly!

I could go on, but this story of a boy who was in fact a girl has gone on long enough and I see the terrible twins running towards the house and it looks like I am going to have my hands full!

As I stand up and brush the crumbs, being the only remains of a rather delicious cake that Cook has made, off my skirt, I smile. Life is good for me and I am going to enjoy it for as long as I have breath in my body.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

---

 

---

---

Please leave comments...thanks!