Babb Field; Baltimore Maryland, Friday February 23, 2024…
“Nice play on that grounder in the hole. Mick!” The boy turned to see his girlfriend standing behind the dugout.
“Woulda been nicer if we turned two,” Michael Bisceglia said as he walked off the field. He tossed his glove up in the air and caught it; a playful move that belied the disappointment of the loss. Like always; he felt he had let the team down.
"Stop beating yourself up. That’s my job.” Jenn, who played competetive softball herself, was notorious for thinking every loss was her fault as well. Mickey knew exactly what she meant.
“My therapist says that every time we get down on ourselves we should just go ahead and take some blame out of petty cash,” he said with a laugh.
Mickey’s mother Kate passed the day before he graduated high school. A long, drawn out if rewarding graduation of her own, so to speak, since she got to say just how proud she was of him.
“Listen," he said. “I’m going to swing by the cemetery and see Mommy.”
Jenn shook her head. “‘No can do, babe. The team bus leaves for Newark in an hour. We can catch up when I get back, ‘kay?”
Mickey nodded reluctantly.
“Tell your mom thanks for having such a sweet boy, ‘kay?"Jenn said.
"Love you…Gotta go.’ She waved and quickly walked to the exit ramp and out.”
“I…I love you, too.” Mickey sighed. It was like pulling teeth, as the saying goes, for him to speak his mind. Speak his heart, rather. Thoughts and ideas usually came freely, but his ability to express his feelings had been destroyed by living almost twenty years in the same house with a man who shut down anything remotely resembling the kind person his mother had been.
“Fuck!” he shook his head. He had promised himself that it was very much alright to be angry, unless it was the only emotion he could bring himself to express. He took a deep breath, unnecessary shame giving way to soulful tears as he repeated himself.
“I love you… Jennifer Picone.”
Heading on the Highway toward Most Holy Redeemer Cemetery...
It was a bit overcast by the time he had changed. Even at only a little after three, the traffic was heavy for a Friday afternoon. He turned on the defroster as heavy wet snow began to fall.
“This is more than annoying. Oh well.” He pulled off to the side of the highway as his defroster began to lose the battle and the windshield fogged up. He grabbed a CD sitting on the passenger seat. Because he was driving his Mom’s Camry, the CD was his Mom’s favorite. It was almost embarrassing, since his voice was much closer to an alto than a tenor.
Even miles away from home, he still heard his father’s angry reproach
“Hey, Mick,” his father would say,
“for Christ’s sake, sing like guy!” His father thought that teasing was just the way to correct him, to break him of the “bad habits” reinforced by an over-indulgent mother.
Just the thought of Kate’s death had brought out only a bit of the anger Mickey felt; but too generously painfully mixed with sadness.
“Fuck…” he said. He shoved the CD into the slot and hit play.
One I love, two she loves
Three she's true to me
All of my friends fell out with me
Because I kept your company
But let them say whatever they will
I love my love with a free good will
Mickey only lapsed a teeny bit into smug; he knew that his Irish half did a fair approximation of the woman’s voice. He did, however, get so lost in the song that he was late seeing the Semi barreling toward his car after breezing through the intersection across from him.
He hadn’t shut off the car, and was just putting it into gear when everything went black…
The tallish woman was gesticulating as she talked and they both walked down a wide sidewalk.
“Try to keep up, Michael. I already explained that we’re late.”
“Late for what?” Mickey turned his head from side to side. It reminded him of a park, except there were no signs or markers…or any other people.
“We have to get you processed,” the woman said as she spoke without turning around. It seemed all at once that they had been walking for almost an hour, yet he wasn’t tired.
“Ah…here we are!” the woman said as she gestured to point ahead. Parked in a spot in what now had become a wide roadway was a Double Decker Bus much like the tour busses Mickey has seen in DC.
“Here we are,” she repeated, but her attention was focused on a kindly looking woman standing at the back of the bus; deep in conversation with a young lady holding an I-Pad.
“Flynn. Thomas.” The young lady spoke in a loud voice. An older man stepped forward.
“Go ahead, Mr. Flynn. Welcome aboard.” The young lady did not wait for a reply.
“Martinez, Inez?” At her words, a woman of about fifty or so stepped forward.
“Hello, Ms. Martinez. Go ahead and welcome aboard.” The woman nodded eagerly and stepped onto the steps and into the bus.
“That’s all for now, Mrs. Jordan,” the young lady said to her older companion as she looked up from the I-Pad.
The tall woman who had accompanied Mickey shook her head.
“There must be some mistake.” Her expression mixed confusion with embarrassment.
“There has to be a Bisceglia! Michael Bisceglia!”
The young woman checked her I-Pad again. ”Sorry, but there’s no Bisceglia on the list.”
Mickey couldn’t keep quiet any longer. “What’s going on?”
“Like I explained, young man,” The escort replied. “You’re dead!”
“What? That’s crazy. I feel fine.”
“Sorry, but that’s how it works.” Mickey shook his head, but turned his attention to the older woman. “Mrs. Jordan, the younger woman had called her.
“You don’t… C’mon… This is crazy. You don’t think I’m dead…” The woman breathed out slowly and spole in a calm voice.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you. Michael, but she’s right.” Turning her attention ro the woman who had brought Mickey to the bus, she glanced at the woman’s nametag.
“Gunderson….You’re new.”
“Yes, Mrs. Jordan. First day.”
“You have to fix this. I can’t be dead… I…” Mickey began to cry, but only just a bit.
“Miss Chang?’ Mrs. Jordan stepped up to the driver’s window. “Iris? Please call Central and inquire about a Michael Bisceglia?”
The woman nodded and touched her headset. A few moments later, she leaned out the window.
“We have a Michael Phillip Bisceglia. According to the file, Michael’s mother Katherine is looking forward to their happy reunion… October 17th, 2079….” She blew out a frustrated breath as everybody present but Mickey knew what that meant.
“What…what’s going on?” His expression pleaded for an answer. Mrs. Jordan shook her head; already knowing the answer to everyone’s question.
“Ms.Gunderson? Did you extract him before the accident?”
“I…I wanted to spare him the pain… “ her voice trailed off.
‘What? I’m not dead?” Mickey balled his fists; not in anger so much as fear and frustration.
“You have to take him back. Reinsert him into the body.” Mrs. Jordan spoke calmly; her hand reaching over to gently pat Mickey’s arm while suppressing a glare at Ms. Gunderson.
“This is all new, but I assure you we will make everything alright,’ Ms.Gunderson said, but added, “We can make this right, can’t we, Mrs. Jordan?"
You will indeed. Quickly!” She used both hands to shoo Ms. Gunderson and Mickey along.
A moment later, the two stood on the side of the highway. Across the road, a man was sitting up in the back entrance of an ambulance as an EMT attended to a gash on the man’s arm.
Two other EMTs stood back as firefighters hosed down what was left of the 2014 Camry. Both women turned to each other and shook their heads before walking over to the second ambulance. One closed the door slowly while the other nodded;
“I’ll call it in…Fuck!” she said as she climbed into the driver’s side and shut the door.
In an instant, Mickey and Ms. Gunderson were once again standing in front of Mrs. Jordan.
“You have to fix this,” Mickey said. It’s… it’s…” he reached into his pocket; forgetting that everything had now changed. The treasure was gone and his pocket was empty.
“I was…tomorrow…after Jenn’s game… I was….”
Mrs. Jordan shook her head. “I am truly sorry, Michael. Whatever was going to be no longer is…in the manner you intended.”
“But…but my body. You have to do something… You just have to…” It was all too much. Mickey had been through enough heartache and trials to last a lifetime. But that day…tomorrow… was supposed to be the best day of his life.
“We cannot remake what has been unmade. But…” Mrs. Jordan paused.
Gunderson interjected.
‘Another body?”
Mrs. Jordan pursed her lips in frustration, but spoke again.
“Any body you choose. We will find one just right for you. I promise.”
“Any body?” He hadn’t meant to be distracted, but the thought of never playing baseball again tugged at him.
"Can you really make things right?"
“The body will be perfect for you, Michael. I guarantee it!” Mrs. Jordan said; her face beaming with confidence mixed with hope. Everything began to fade…
Delaware University Softball Stadium, Saturday morning, February 24th, 2024…
It was a perfectly normal February day in Delaware; warm enough to play softball, but still too cold to stay sharp. Bottom of the seventh with two outs and the tying run at second.
“You got this, Caryn!” Jenn called from behind third.
“Just one more and we got it!” She pounded her glove before settling into her stance.
“Yeah, Caryn…”
“C’mon, O’ Connor!”
“You got this.”
Caryn O’ Connor took a deep breath, reared back and slung the ball to the plate. The Delaware girl swung and sent a blistering line drive up the middle. Perhaps destined to get through, the ball instead caromed off Caryn’s forehead and bounced into the waiting glove of Niecy Rodriguez, who stepped on first to end the game.
“Hey, O’ Connor…Nice stop!” Jenn teased until she realized Caryn was on the ground. Sudden terror overwhelmed her and she ran over to her best friend’s prostrate form and knelt down. And three things happened all at once.
First, two ethereal looking women walked over and helped Caryn O’ Connor to her feet… her translucent body almost aglow and a broadening smile graced her face as the women escorted her off the field and… aloft
Second, a kindly looking mature woman guided a figure over to the prostrate form of Caryn O’Connor.
“Go ahead…It will be just fine….”
“But…but you promised…you…you promised. You said it would be right.” Michael Phillip Bisceglia said as he spoke for the very last time.
“I promised everything would be perfect for you, and it will. You’ll see,” Mrs. Jordan said before disappearing.
And third? Jennifer Picone knelt over and stared at the lifeless form of Caryn O’ Connor…
“C’mon, Caryn… “Wake up…Wake up!” Jenn put her head down; offering a silent prayer.
“Owww!” the girl’s hand slowly lifted and fought the glare of sunlight beaming from behind Jenn’s head; like the halo of an angel. Jenn and Niecy lifted her to her feet and helped her off the field.
“Holy Jeez, O’Connor.” Coach Klimek grabbed an icepack and handed it to the girl. She shook her head and continued.
“Quite a scare. There’s an ambulance on the way. Let’s get you checked out, ’kay?” The three walked Caryn over to the dugout bench where their teammates welcomed them. Caryn sat down.
One of the other coaches approached Coach Klimek and pulled her aside and spoke in hushed tones.
“Dear God in Heaven, Marie! Are you serious?” Linda Klimek stifled a sob; she had known both Jenn and Mickey since they were in high school.
“Yeah, I know it’s a lot to take in… Jenn’s mom is here. We can…Let’s wait until Caryn gets settled in at the hospital.
And almost by herself in the midst of a caring crowd sat the girl; confused and scared as she tried to absorb the reality that she - she was now a nineteen-year-old girl from Conshohocken, Pennsylvania.
“J…Jenn…Jenn?" she called but Jenn had relaxed enough to at least enjoy the win.
Caryn began to cry; Caryn Elizabeth O’Connor; the former Michael Phillip Bisceglia of Baltimore, Maryland.
She glanced over at Jenn again.
It slowly dawned on her. Tomorrow wouldn’t be the best day of her life, and she would have to watch Jenn try to deal with the news of the terrible accident. Should she tell her the truth? Would it be better to remain silent?
But in the midst of her hurt and her confusion, the anguish that she felt for the death of the girl whose name she would now carry, Caryn felt something else. Something new, that she had never before experienced.
She felt right.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkTLNUslJmA
based on the 1938 play, Heaven Can Wait (originally titled It Was Like This), written by Harry Seagal
One I Love
Words and Music by
Jean Ritchie
as performed by
Meav Ni Mhaolchatha.
Previously…
Caryn began to cry; Caryn Rlizabeth O’Connor; the former Michael Phillip Bisceglia of Baltimore, Maryland.
She glanced over at Jenn again.
It slowly dawned on her. Tomorrow wouldn’t be the best day of her life, and she would have to watch Jenn try to deal with the news of the terrible accident. Should she tell her the truth? Would it be better to remain silent?
But in the midst of her hurt and her confusion, the anguish that she felt for the death of the girl whose name she would now carry, Caryn felt something else. Something new, that she had never before experienced.
She felt right.
Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say.
Bayhealth Hospital, Dover, Delaware, that evening.
“Just a precaution, Mrs. O’Connor,” Dr. Barsbay said as she touched Angela O’Connor’s arm.
“Since your daughter lost consciousness, it’s likely she has a concussion. We’ll keep her overnight just to be safe. The bruise looks bad, but all the films show everything is intact and there are no symptoms other than a very nasty headache.”
Jason O’Connor walked up and handed Angela a coffee before turning to Dr. Barsbay.
“Sounds like a plan,” he said with a nod.
“After we get something for dinner, we’ll be back to say goodnight. We’ll grab a room at the Day’s Inn and be back first thing tomorrow.” Jason said as he looked over at Caryn’s room. He shook Dr. Barsbay’s hand and strode over to the doorway and peeked in.
“Hey, Kitten. Your Mom and I are going to grab a bite to eat. We’ll be back in a bit before heading over to the hotel.”
“What?” Caryn mouthed as the man smiled at her.
“Kitten?” Most of the swirling confusion had abated, but still left her with a lot of questions. She stared at the kind stranger and shook her head, but winced at the pain.
“Caryn?” Angela said as she nudged past Jason and up to the bed.
“We’ll be back as soon as we can as we can, sweetie. Just down to the cafeteria and back.” Angela looked at her daughter and choked back a sob.
“When they called me at work, I…I…” She leaned over and kissed Caryn on the forehead.
“Momma…” Caryn wanted to speak. Something deep inside, huddled almost safely next to Mickey’s heart, caused her to remember.
“Momma?” Caryn said, even as Mickey tried to recall what Jenn had told him about the O’Connors… the sister who died. Jenn had told Mickey about Lisa and how devastating her death had been. Mickey began to weep for the heartache she…the heartache Caryn felt.
“I’m so sorry, Momma.” Mickey and Caryn wept; both feeling guilty for two entirely undeserved reasons. Caryn struggled with being the twin who didn’t die in the car accident. And Mickey cried because Caryn did die, leaving behind the pretender.
“Shhh….Shhh….” Jason said softly to mother and daughter.
“We’ll be alright,” Jason said as he buried his face in Angela’s shoulder; weeping almost as much in relief as in loss. Angela reached back and touched his face.
“I…I know, babe. We will be alright.” Angela said. She turned he attention to Caryn once again.
“Just remember, sweetie? Is breá liom tú an oiread sin!.” She caught herself and continued. “Daddy and I love you so much!”
Jason joined them and grabbed Caryn’s hand. He smiled and blinked back his own relieved tears before urging Angela toward the door.
“Right back in a few,” he said, and with that they walked out.
A few minutes later a young lady in light grey scrubs walked in and turned the overhead lights off; leavin Caryn bathed only in the glow of the bedside lamp.
"Caryn? I’m Martie,” she said as she pointed to the whiteboard on the wall. Then she shook her head, smiling. “I’m sorry; you probably can’t even see the whiteboard. Martie Lloyd — your nurse.”
“Where…where am I?” Caryn asked. As if the last few hours of tests and questions and loud overhead announcements and sounds were a dream.
“Bayhealth Hospital, honey. You got a nasty bonk on the head. They tell me you girls won the game. Too bad for our Hens,” Martie said. Caryn looked at her in question.
“Oh, sorry. Delaware - the team - Blue Hens. You beat our girls this morning.” Martie said as she replaced Caryn’s icepack.
“Call for anything, okay? You can count on me,” Martie said as she retreated toward the door and in a second was gone.
Caryn turned her head slightly and breathed out a sigh. What did her Mom say? Her Mom?
“Is breá liom tú an oiread sin.” Caryn mouthed the words before saying, "I love you so much?" In a moment, things seemed to shift and change. The room spun only a wee bit as Caryn was transported to another time and place.
I promised I would never leave you
Then you should always know
Wherever you may go, no matter where you are
I never will be far away
Ascension Hospital, Baltimore, August 16, 2019…
Katie Bisceglia lay almost too quietly in the bed; a frustrating reminder of what was to come. She looked up to find Mickey hovering almost over her. She weakly raised her hand and beckoned him closer. He gasped.
“Mommy? If I could, I’d take away all your pain.” As soon as Mickey spoke the words, he felt foolish, as if wanting to spare her was some childish wish.
“Baby? It’s alright. You’ll see. Everything will be alright.” Katie patted his face. He smiled as best he could. The doctor had cautioned him not to leave; the end was at hand. He looked over at the door, almost expecting his father to walk in.
“It’s going to be alright,” Katie repeated.
“Alright?” Why did that sound so familiar? What could ever be right about losing his Mom?
“I’ll be going, but I will never be far from you,” Katie – Katherine O’Brien Bisceglia - said as she touched Mickey’s chest.
“You can count on me,” she said as tears flowed freely.
“Just remember, sweetie. Is breá liom tú an oiread sin!.” Katie smiled broadly and in the next instant she was gone. Mickey fell upon the bed and sobbed. And two gentle souls lifted Katie up and away.
And in an instant later…
“O’Brien, Katherine?” The young lady spoke Katie’s name. As she urged Katie forward, an older woman touched her arm.
“You’re home, Miss O’Brien. And yes, Katherine. Your child will be alright,” Mrs. Jordan said with a broad, welcoming smile.
The present…In Caryn’s room…
Caryn stared at the ceiling; awash in conflicting emotions. She had a mother and a father. A mother and a father who loved her? What right did she have to steal this poor girl’s life? Why was she spared? Hadn’t this family already lost too much?
How could she ever hope to take the place of a daughter so treasured by these new people who now looked to her? Two starngers who loved her. Mickey felt so overwhelmed that he sobbed; feeling unworthy and selfish.
But in the midst of it all, one thought came back to him. To her. To Caryn O’Connor.
Everything would be alright.
Meanwhile, at the cafeteria, Bayhealth Hospital…
Jenn was sitting with Niecy Rodriguez and Donna Velasquez, awaiting more word of Caryn’s condition. She stood up to get something to drink when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned around to find her coaches, Linda Klimek and Marie Esposito, almost huddled together; their faces etched with sadness.
“It’s okay, Coach. Mrs. O’Connor said Caryn probably has a concussion and…” Jenn turned away, looking for Angela O’Connor. She felt a gentle touch on her on her arm.
“Jenn?” Linda turned to Marie before continuing.
“Your Mom is going to meet us back at the hotel.”
“Why is Mommy coming here? Sure, I was worried, but Caryn is going to be okay.” Jenn watch the two women face each other.
“What? What’s wrong?” Jenn said it loud enough that Niecy got up from the table and stood next to her.
“Jenn…I’m so sorry… Yesterday afternoon.” Linda Klimek bit her lip and stammered again.
“I’m so sorry, Jenn.” She shook her head as the words refused to come. That idea that if we don’t say something, it can’t possibly be true. Coach Esposito spoke the words that Linda could not.
“Jenn? Honey? Mickey was in an accident.” Even at that, Marie could not speak the words that everyone knew would follow. Jenn looked at her and began to shake.
“No!” She didn’t scream but just said it; “No!” One word. Simple and entirely futile as Jennifer Picone fell into Linda’s arms and sobbed.
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark and deep, inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me
Once again on another plain of existence in another moment in time…
“O’Connor, Caryn Elizabeth,” the young lady with the iPad spoke. Mrs. Jordan held up her hand.
“One moment? Caryn? You were so happy when you arrived but now you seem so sad.”
“I know, Ma’am. But I am happy. You know?” Caryn tilted her head in question. Mrs. Jordan smiled; an all-knowing and reassuring grin. Caryn continued.
“The nice lady told me about Mickey.” She shrugged her shoulders; waiting for an explanation. Mrs. Jordan stared at Ms. Gunderson, but nodded slightly.
“Were you worried about him? He’s quite alright.” She stared at Ms. Gunderson again as if to say, “You told her everything?” Ms. Gunderson nodded sheepishly.
Caryn shook her head. “Oh no, Ma’am. I know you folks know what you’re doing. I’m just worried about Jenn. I mean with Mickey…you know…being me?” Caryn pouted only a bit. Mrs. Jordan’s right eyebrow arched ever so slightly.
“Yes, Miss O’Connor?”
“Can…can I? I mean can Mickey and Jenn still get married? I never told her, and god knows I would never have come between them, but…”
“You loved her? You love her still.” Mrs. Jordan did not want to prolong the remainder of Caryn’s disappointment. She stepped closer and pulled the girl into a motherly hug.
‘Yes. I just…I just want her to be happy, Ma’am. She will be happy, won’t she? She just has to be happy.. Please? Let her be happy?” She sobbed in Mrs. Jordan’s arms. It would be the very last time Caryn Elizabeth O'Connor would be sad as Mrs. Jordan said finally,
“Yes, Caryn. Everything will be alright.”
“Mrs. Jordan?” The young lady with the iPad spoke.
“Yes, Lisa?” Mrs. Jordan answered and gave permission all in one moment. The girl stepped close and drew Caryn into a hug. She surprised everyone and kissed her finger; touching it to Caryn's lips. A simple if familiar gesture known only by two little girls from not too long ago.
“Welcome home, sis,” Lisa Marie O'Connor said as she continued to hug her twin!
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on
They never die
That's how you and I will be.
To be continued…
Goodnight My Angel
Words and Music by Billy Joel
As sung by Celtic Woman
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TgRZ2Y7iwk
Previously…
“Jenn?” Linda turned to Marie before continuing.
“Your Mom is going to meet us back at the hotel.”
“Why is Mommy coming here? Sure, I was worried, but Caryn is going to be okay.” Jenn watched the two women face each other.
“What? What’s wrong?” Jenn said it loud enough that Niecy got up from the table and stood next to her.
“Jenn…I’m so sorry… Yesterday afternoon.” Linda Klimek bit her lip and stammered again.
“I’m so sorry, Jenn.” She shook her head as the words refused to come. That idea that if we don’t say something, it can’t possibly be true. Coach Esposito spoke the words that Linda could not.
“Jenn? Honey? Mickey was in an accident.” Even at that, Marie could not speak the words that everyone knew would follow. Jenn looked at her and began to shake.
“No!” She didn’t scream but just said it; “No!” One word. Simple and entirely futile as Jennifer Picone fell into Linda’s arms and sobbed
Baby mine
Don't you cry
Baby mine
Dry your eyes
Rest your head
Close to my heart
Never to part
Baby of mine
Upstairs at the Nurses’ Station by Caryn’s room…
Jason had just finished talking with Nurse Martie when the elevator door across from the counter opened.
Angela hurried to her husband. Her face was a mixture of distress and panic.
“Honey…” She glanced over at Caryn’ ‘s room.
“Is she asleep?”
“Finally,” he said. “What’s wrong, babe?”
“I was just down in the hallway by the cafeteria. There was…” Angela leaned into Jason and burst into tears.
He held her close until she pulled away slowly.
“There… there was a lot of…all the girls from the team were crying. I walked into the caf and Linda Klimek was holding Jenn… oh god, Jason!” She tried to continue but she just leaned into him again.
He held her for a few more moments before leading her into the lounge across the hall.
As they sat down, Martie walked in.
“Mr. O’Connor? I just got a call from downstairs. One of the girls…” She gasped and couldn’t continue.
Angela spoke.
“Jason? Mickey was killed ..." She fell into his arms.
Martie looked at them both, feeling helpless. She looked over at the older nurse at the station.
“Daris?”
Martie’s colleague shook her head in sorrow.
“Daris said…they told her that your girl’s best friend? Her boyfriend died in a traffic accident…”
Martie blinked back tears and placed her hand on Angela’s shoulder.
“I am so, so sorry…”
“Jason? Oh, honey? Caryn… she can’t hear about this…” Angela looked at the elevator doors as if she could see all the way down stairs.
“I… Mrs. O’Connor?” Martie interrupted.
“All the girls and their friends… Their parents, too… I heard they’re meeting her friend’s mom back at the hotel. Daris…” Martie glanced at the other nurse again. “She already put the word out that nobody talks to Caryn until you two have had a chance to talk with her.”
“We…we just can’t tell her now.” Jason said as he looked back and forth between Caryn’s room and Angela.
“I… The cable was turned off in Caryn’s room," Martie said. “It’s already on the news here. We…my supervisor has already talked to everybody. Caryn finally fell asleep just before you got back. Nobody besides me will see her…At least until you say yes or no after you’ve…”
Martie had only known the girl for a few hours, but she felt responsible for every bit of Caryn’s care. She put her hand to her face and began to cry.
Ever the parent, Jason reached over and grabbed Martie’s hand.
“Thanks.” He smiled at her and looked over at Caryn’s room again.
“I think that I’ll stay here tonight.” He turned to Angela.
“Just in case she wakes up.” Angela nodded, then burst out,
“Oh Christ, Jason. This will just… how will Connie get through this?. She and Jenn are barely over losing …Oh… damn…”
Jason nodded at Angela’s words and turned to Martie.
“Jenn’s Dad was killed in Afghanistan…Just as the troops were leaving. It just isn’t fair, dammit!.”
“I’ll make sure her friend can come if she is able.…” Martie shook her head. It wasn’t fair, no matter what anybody could say. She leaned close and grabbed Angela’s right hand gently and smiled; a soft, reassuring gesture to be sure.
Angela returned her smile. “Thank you, Miss?”
“Martie Lloyd. I’ll make sure Caryn is okay.” She squeezed Angela’s hand again before walking over to Caryn’s room and opening the door. Seeing Caryn was still asleep, she closed the door gently and gave Jason and Angela the thumbs up before walking back to the nurses’ station.
“Oh god, Jason? What are we going to tell her?”
Jason stared over to Caryn’s room.
“The truth. I don’t want to say anything else. We have to follow Caryn’s lead. If she asks about what happened, we can honestly say we don’t know. I don’t want to know. At this point we just have to hold our daughter close and let her know we love her.”
Jason put his hand to his face and began to cry, hoping desperately that the morning would bring wisdom. Angela leaned in once again and wept.
After a few minutes, Jason stood up.
“I’ll call an Uber for you. You can go over to the hotel and register. Tomorrow morning get another ride back here and we’ll tell her, okay, hon?”
Angela nodded.
“Dear god in heaven…that poor girl. Oh Jason… It’s just like Lisa all over again.”
Angela hadn’t even realized it, but she had turned her gaze upward.
“Let my baby be okay, God and please let Jenn be okay?” She stood up and hugged Jason. And a few minutes later she was in the Uber and away to the hotel.
“Mr. O’Connor?” Jason turned and found Martie holding a Styrofoam cup.
“Coffee…just in case you need to…stay up? Unless I get a call from Caryn, her door stays closed until you and your wife…” She sniffled a bit.
“I am so sorry.” She rubbed his arm like a child might reassure a parent.
“There’s an open bed or you can use the big chair…in empty room next to Caryn’s, okay?”
Jason smiled at her.
“Thanks…” He felt bad that he had already forgotten her name. He looked at her name tag and continued.
“Thanks, Martie.”
A few hours later...
“Mommy? Daddy?” Mickey slowly sat up, his groggy mind filled with images of his own parents, Katie and Phillip Bisceglia. He and his mother had been close – so very close! – right up until her death, but . . . his father was a lost cause, and he and his mother had both known it.
Phillip Bisceglia was a harsh man who took after his own father. Impatient and distant. A mouth filled with words almost always demanding things he never told the boy.
But as Mickey shook off sleep, he realized that he wasn’t back in Baltimore in 2014. That Caryn was here, in a hospital bed – and that the Caryn in him felt nothing but love from Jason and Angela O’Connor. Caryn felt more love than any one person could want – the kind of unwavering love Mickey had always felt from his mother.
“Daddy?” Caryn didn’t call out. Something inside both of them whispered in confidence that she was loved. That the boy… -- no, that Caryn -- had parents who loved her. And somehow, Mickey wasn’t worried that their love would falter because of what had happened. Something inside Mickey realized that in some way he was becoming Caryn O’Connor.
Mickey was not losing himself, but rather gaining some blessing he never dared hope for. He turned over on his side, and cried himself to sleep with gentle, hopeful tears, remembering a lullaby his mother sang to him as a child
If they knew
All about you
They'd end up
Loving you too
All those same
People who scold you
What they'd give
Just for the right
To hold you
Meanwhile, in Connie and Jenn’s room at the hotel...the two huddled side by side...
“Mommy? Mommy?” Jenn called out; waking her mom with a start.
“I’m here, baby!”
“Mommy…Mickey… no, no, Mommy!” Jenn pulled closer to Connie and cried as hard and as sad as at any time in her life. Her dad’s death hit both her and Connie hard, but Mickey’s death was there and now.
As helpless as Connie felt, she did what only a mother could, and cried along with her daughter.
“I know, Jenn… I know.” She held Jenn close and stroked her hair until sleep took them both.
Sunday morning at the hospital; very early but not bright at all…
Jason was already drinking his second coffee at the Nurses’ Station when the elevator dinged and Angela got off. She walked slowly to Jason and stood a bit tip-toe; kissing him on the right cheek.
“She’s still asleep,” Jason said, gesturing to the closed door of Caryn’s room.
“Gosh, Jason? I wish she could sleep all day.” She shook her head.
“Niecy’s Dad is driving Jenn and Connie back home. Somebody will drive Connie’s car back later today.” Angela bit her lip.
“Bennie offered to bring them here…for Jenn’s sake. But she and her mother are just too worn out…you know?”
Of course, both of them knew that kind of loss better than most ever would. Losing Lisa left all of them -- but especially Caryn -- barely able to function for weeks after the accident.
“Allie Nevers said that they could hear Jenn call out through the wall. Caryn…” Angela was fighting to stay composed.
“I know, babe. I don’t know how we’re going to handle this… you…you know? But we will.” Jason looked away, searching for words.
“Do you think? You don’t think…” Jason took a deep breath.
Angela stepped around and faced him.
“I know she never…she’s kept it inside. She told me she couldn’t say a word…you know? Mickey was her friend, too. A few weeks ago…”
Angela looked over at the still-closed door of Caryn’s room.
“Jenn was over one night to watch some movie. Jenn told her that she was sure that Mickey…” Angela choked back a sob. “That Mickey was going to ask her…”
“Oh, Ang!” Jason rubbed his face, trying to make sense of it all.
“Caryn told me after Jenn went home.” Angela peered around Jason to make sure that Caryn’s door was still closed.
“Our daughter cared so much about them both that she decided then and there…” Angela shook her head again at the thought of Caryn’s heartache.
"She said, 'I'm gonna be the best friend I can be.'" Angela looked at Jason and he smiled back.
“But she… you remember what she told us when she knew that she knew?"
"'I love her, Mom!' She told us that if things had been different. If she never played softball…” Angela glanced over at Caryn’s room.
Jason held up his hand.
"Yes, Ang. I remember. She was just kidding....but..."
Angela shook her head. No, babe...we can't go there.
"But that day...She and Jenn had planned something but Mickey asked Jenn to meet him. Jenn went. It was just a silly misunderstanding. She was just upset." Angela stepped close and grabbed Jason with both hands.
"Oh no, hon. She said she wished Jenn and Mickey had never met. You don’t think? She was just upset!” Angela echoed Jason’s words.
“Oh god… She wished.. Oh fuck…” Jason shook his head at his own expletive. “That’s the problem, Ang. We know she didn’t mean it. But she’ll still blame herself. It's just how she is.
Jason paused. Caryn was a lot like Angela in that regard. "Ang? When Lisa died, it was just a matter of where they were sitting on the bus. She still blames herself.”
“My sweet baby girl.” Angela could have meant Lisa, but Jason knew that every ounce of his wife’s being mourned the needless guilt her living daughter still carried. Lisa was safe somewhere, they believed. Caryn needed to know more than ever how much they loved her..
“Mr. O’Connor? Mrs. O’Connor?” Martie walked up. “I just looked in on Caryn. She’s sitting up. I’ll give you all the time and space you need.” She blinked back her own tears and repeated what she had said the night before.
“I am so sorry.”
Caryn heard a knock on the door, followed by Martie ushering in Jason and Angela.
“Good morning,” Martie said with as bright a smile she could muster.
“Look who I found.” She waved and closed the door behind her.
Caryn looked at her parents. Mickey looked at these wonderful strangers and smiled. But inwardly, both Caryn and Mickey thought, “They have to have heard” A smile for such a morning made no sense, but it was all they could offer.
Jason stepped to the bed and touched Caryn's hand.
“Caryn? Honey? We…Daddy and I…” Angela struggled with the words.
Mickey just wanted to scream, “I’m your new daughter. Caryn’s gone…Fuck! Mickey’s gone!”
Angela tried again. “I…we have some bad news.”
Mickey thought about bracing himself, but something in him relented. This wasn’t about Mickey Bisceglia. It wasn’t even about their daughter. It was about the heartache he knew…they knew Jenn was living. And something inside him broke. No in a bad way, but more like a dam breaking.
“Jenn… Jenn went home this morning with her mom," Angela began, but that bad news just couldn’t come out.
Jason stepped even closer and gathered Caryn in his arms.
“I’m so sorry, honey. Mickey died Friday afternoon.” Nothing so abrupt and cold would ever be delivered with such care as Caryn’s father just imparted.
“Mommy?” Caryn pleaded with Angela but her mother just duplicated Jason’s hug.
“I’m so sorry, baby…” Angela buried her face in Caryn’s hair and wept.
Jason rubbed Angela’s back.
“Your Mom and I are here for you.”
Jason's words..fatherly words Mickey had never heard gave Mickey permission to cry. But it still wasn’t about him or Caryn.
“Oh Mom….What about Jenn…how is Jenn?” Caryn sobbed. “Is...is she alright, Daddy? Tell me she’s okay?”
Mickey had always been a caring kid. Always putting everybody’s needs above his own. His father despised that in Katie and hated it even more in their son. But every bit of the legacy of love his mother left him came through more than ever before.
Mickey did not die on Friday. And Mickey did not die this Sunday morning. He hadn’t lost one iota of who he had always been. There was just more to him now; a gift rather than the loss he felt only the day before. Every part of Caryn became part of him. He was Caryn O’Connor. He would discover so much of what she took with her to heaven also stayed behind.
“Jenn...Jenn will be alright, Caryn,” Jason said -- his father said. The daddy Mickey never had became the daddy he always longed for. But with that hope came the solace Caryn and Mickey needed to face the moment they were in.
“It hurts, sweetie,” Angela said as her grief for Lisa mixed with the sadness she felt for her daughter’s best friend.
“I…Mom…” Caryn spoke with her own voice one last time, even as that voice was drifting heavenward.
“It’s my fault, Mommy. You know what I said. Tell her, Daddy. It’s my fault he died. Tell her!” Caryn began to weep, and Mickey wept just as hard as Caryn’s unmerited shame became his.
“I’m so sorry, Daddy. I hate myself.”
Even as the guilt slammed hard into the girl’s heart, Mickey knew that the life he had begun to live…the threshold he had just crossed… was the greatest gift he would ever get.
Jason O’Connor looked into Caryn's eyes. He could see the hurt and shame and guilt she bore. He drew close once again and spoke calmly, but still as firmly as he could manage.
“Caryn? My precious girl? You are not to blame. We love you. We always have loved you. Mommy and I always will love you! I am so, so sorry that Mickey died, but can’t you see?” Jason tried to continue but turned away as tears fell from his face.
And Angela O’Connor – Angela Pastorelli O’Connor -- fell onto the bed and held her daughter for all she was worth.
“You hurt because Jenn hurts. But you also hurt because that’s who you are. You told me you wanted the best for Jenn, and you gave her away. What happened yesterday was an accident. Only an accident, Caryn! Just random chance. Mickey didn’t die because you love Jenn. Love that gives away cannot hurt. Oh my sweet baby girl… Ti amo così tanto, mia dolce ragazza!”
“I…I know, Mommy. I just feel sad for Jenn… Like everything that has ever hurt her is so small compared to this. I just want her to be happy, Mom..Dad?” Caryn pleaded with them to make things better.
Things would get better, but at that moment it actually became all about Caryn Elizabeth O’Connor. The person she had always been. The girl who would do anything and everything she could for her best friend.
“We’ll do what we can, Caryn,” Jason said. That name. Spoken by the man who loved her. His daughter. And even at that, long lost memories came to Mickey.
Before anything harsh was said in anger by his father. At the first sound of his mother’s sweet voice lifted in song, Mickey had always wanted to be exactly like Katie O’Brien. The cruel taunts long-buried became blessings as the words finally meant the truth. Mickey Bisceglia was exactly like his mother.
Angela looked at Caryn, noting how quiet she had become.
“Sweetie? Are you okay?”
“It hurts so bad. I… I don’t know how, Mom. I just know that I have to care the same way about Jenn as always. But I still feel…”
“Guilty?” Jason asked. It wasn’t a rebuke.
“There’s so much of your mom in you, sweetie. You’ll always want the best for Jenn…no matter what you may have to give away.”
Mickey nodded almost absent-mindedly until he realized Jason was talking about Angela… Caryn’s mom. But maybe that was just what he and Caryn both needed to hear.
Jason touched his wife and his daughter, overcome with love for them both.
“I don’t know anyone as sweet and caring as your mom. You’re just like her.”
Perhaps that was the last moment Mickey would share this life with Caryn, but really, the girl was leaving behind a deposit within him that nudged him finally through the door to the person he was always meant to become. Mickey didn’t depart, but in that instant he knew that he… -- that she -- would be the best Caryn Elizabeth O’Connor she could ever be.
From your head
Down to your toes
You're so sweet
Goodness knows
You are so
Precious to me
Cute as can be
Baby of Mine
To be continued
Baby Mine
Words and music by
Ned Washington and Frank Churchill
As sung by Alison Krauss
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCjhm-qLERQ
Smitty’s Sports Bar, Bel-Air, Maryland, Saturday, February 24, 2024, 11:17 am…
Several guys were shouting over each other, trying to comment on the feed coming from TV set over the main bar.
“Hey, Tommy? Turn on Sports Center! If I want to watch the news, I can ignore it at home!” Kenny laughed at his own joke before taking a long swig from the can of Miller that teetered precariously on the edge of the pool table.
“Get the beer off the table, Collins. So help me, if I have to get new felt one more time…” Tommy watched as Kenny placed his beer on the small table by the restroom.
“Shut up. I’m trying to listen,” someone shouted.
“Pay the fuck attention….Look!” Joey Muldoon pointed to the TV.
“We’re here with Elias Schoenberg; coach of the Johns Hopkins baseball team.” The man on the screen turned and held the microphone between him and the coach.
“This has to be such a blow to your team. Second best shortstop in the league…” The reporter went to continue but Coach Schoenberg held his hand up; more frustrated and sad than anything else.
“Listen….It doesn’t matter right now. The playoffs don’t matter! The game…it’s just a fu…just a game.” He paused and blinked back tears, leaving the reporter what he thought was an opening, but the coach waved him off.
“None of the guys is thinking about anything but the friend they lost.”
“He…he has a girlfriend,” one of the players said, “a girlfriend.” At the word ‘girlfriend,’ a boy behind Coach Schoenberg choked back a sob. The reporter went to speak again. The coach was not going to lose his patience, but his words were going to be measured and firm. He paused.
“Hey, would you guys just shut up? Has any of you seen Phil?”
“He usually comes in right about now” another guy at the end of the bar said.
“Turn up the sound,” Joey Muldoon shouted.
“I have never in my life, coaching or otherwise, met as nice a kid as Michael. His friends...his classmates…Everybody is heartbroken. At this point in time none of us cares if we play another game this season. That’s all I have to say!” He shook his head and waved off the reporter in dismissal before walking away. The reporter turned to the camera.
“This is Bart Jensen reporting live from Johns Hopkins University on the death of star shortstop Michael Biscegila...gone at twenty,” he said dispassionately.
The woman stocking inventory behind the bar gasped.
“Holy Christ,” Maggie Stuart stammered…” that poor kid. I remember when he was little…such a swee…such a sweetie,” she shook her head and began to cry.
“Hey Maggie? Take it outside,” Kenny said, prompting Tommy to throw a bar towel at Kenny’s head.
“No, Collins! You take it outside!” Tommy shouted
“Man… I only…” Kenny went to argue but Tommy cut him off,
“No, Collins. One more word and you’re gone for a month!”
“Can’t she take a joke?” Kenny pointed to Maggie and laughed feebly.
“That’s it, Collins. Shut the fuck up and get outta here.”
Kenny muttered something under his breath.
“Two months! One more fucking word and you can go drink at Wilkins over on Fourth!”
Kenny turned and sidled away, bumping into his best friend at the door.
“Watch it, Phil. Tommy’s in one of his moods.: Kenny walked out as Joey Muldoon hurried up to Phil and spoke.
“Are you okay? It’s been all over the news since last night.” Joey pointed to the TV.
“I’m so sorry man.” Joey bit his lip and wiped the tears from his eyes.
“Yeah? “Phil said.
“Hey, Phil? Anything you need, Just say the word,’” Tommy called out as he helped Maggie to a chair. Maggie looked at Tommy with pleading eyes. “Just like my Billy,” she managed to get out before dissolving once again into tears.
“Phil?” Joey repeated, “We’re all so sorry, bro.”
“Oh….” Phil said flatly
“Seriously, Phil. Anything!” Agnes, one of the waitresses, called out,
“Yeah, Phil.” Joey said slowly; his expression sad and confused.
Phil ignored Joey and walked over and laid a ten dollar bill on the bar.
“Gimme a Bohemian and quarters for the table.”
With tears streaming off her face, Agnes placed the beer and quarters on the bar without a word and walked over to console Maggie. Her sister Maggie.
A moment later Phil had racked and was holding a cue stick overhead in challenge.
Joey turned to no one especially and simply said “Holy Fuck!”
Tommy shook his head; more out of resignation than disbelief.
“Yeah, Joey. “Holy Fuck!”
As things calmed down, Phil turned to the now dark TV screen. He moved his head slowly from side to side and blew out a breath, staring ahead silently before returning his attention to the pool table.
Previously…
“There’s so much of your mom in you, sweetie. You’ll always want the best for Jenn…no matter what you may have to give away.”
Mickey nodded almost absent-mindedly until he realized Jason was talking about Angela… Caryn’s mom. But maybe that was just what he and Caryn both needed to hear.
Jason held his wife and his daughter, overcome with love for them both.
“I don’t know anyone as sweet and caring as your mom. You’re just like her.”
Perhaps that was the last moment Mickey would share this life with Caryn, but really, the girl was leaving behind a deposit within him that nudged him finally through the door to the person he was always meant to become. Mickey didn’t depart, but in that instant he knew that he… -- that she -- would be the best Caryn Elizabeth O’Connor she could ever be.
A few weeks later at the Picone home…
It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
“Mom? Mommy?” Jenn arose from her bed and ambled slowly to the hallway. She called her mother again, but was taken by a wave of nausea. Connie walked down the hall and caught Jenn’s attention.
“Still feeling yucky, honey?” Connie asked as she touched Jenn’s arm. Jenn winced; more from the unexpected contact than from her aches. She started to nod, but another wave of nausea sent her running back to her bathroom.
“Evie at work just got back after a week of fighting that virus that’s going around. Get in bed but sit up and I’ll grab the Mylanta and some Tylenol, alright?” Connie didn’t wait for a reply but just walked back to the kitchen. In a few minutes she had returned with the medicine and an icepack.
In another few minutes Jenn was sitting in the large recliner in the living room; sipping a mug of Sleepytime Tea.
It’s been a long two weeks, Jenn. Dr. Jacobs from…”
“You already told me, Mom!” Jenn said with more than a bit of impatience in her voice,
“He’s a shrink. I’m worn out from grief. I’m worn out from crying. Got it right so far?”
“Yes,” Connie said in a near whisper. Jenn picked up on that, but things got worse as Connie began to sob. Jenn got up quickly and immediately teetered a bit, but after righting herself, she walked to the couch and put up her hands in apology.
“Oh, Mommy. I am so sorry.” By then they were both crying. Jenn sat down and leaned on Connie’s shoulder.
“Jenn… I loved Mickey like he was my own. He was…” Connie began to sob.
“Just like Daddy.”
“Oh honey, I am so sorry.” It was so sad that Connie somehow felt responsible for losing the love of her life in a horrible accident half-way around the world. Bobby Picone was just days away from returning from Afghanistan only to be killed while transporting Afghani children to the airport. The irony slammed hard into both mother and daughter,
“Oh, Mom… This wasn’t your fault. Nothing was your fault. I’m just… It’s…”
“Oh, baby…” Connie touched Jenn’s arm as softly as she could. Jenn shuddered only a bit. Connie looked at her daughter; the girl who barely had recovered from losing her fatheronly to move all too soon into mourning the boy she hoped to marry.
“Mom…Please…listen, okay? This isn’t your fault… But…. I wanted to be just like you mommy and now I am.” Too much like Connie. Jenn winced only a bit as she shook her head no.
“Why did Daddy have to die?” She looked away, hoping Connie understood.
“Why did Mickey have to die? Why, Mommy? Why?” She brought her hands up to her face and sobbed.
Connie felt helpless. She had no way of knowing how to help Jenn. No answers. No strength. The only thing that still remained seemed too small, but it was big enough.
Connie wasn’t terribly religious but she did have faith that somehow her god would see them both through the worst time in their lives. And just around the corner, as it’s said, hope and faith and love were just about to unite to make everything alright.
At the O’Connor house a few days later…
“Caryn? Have you talked to Jenn?”Angela asked as she walked into the kitchen. Caryn looked up from her phone.
“I just texted her. She’s still got that bug that’s been going around. I asked Daddy and he said with everything she’s been through it’s probably that her immune system took a beating.”
“You…you don’t think…” Angela said as she grabbed two waters from the fridge.
“No mom. She does sound a bit beat but so much better. She hasn’t really been able to get going…You know?” Caryn didn’t have to add the word ‘since.’
“She was only taking two electives this term. Mrs. Wells and Ms. Frazier just went ahead and gave her full credit for their classes. I…I just wish I could do something to…you know?”
“Me too, sweetie. Like Nana used to say? Come ho detto. dalla tua falena alle orecchie di Dio!”
“Ummm? Yes?” Caryn questioned.
“Your mouth to God’s ears!” Angela said with a soft laugh.
Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war
Caryn had thought about it. But the more the new girl became herself, the greater trust she had that everything would indeed be alright. And the more she became herself, the more she thought about what would be best for Jenn alone.
It still hurt to give up any thought of a life that was more than just a friendship with Jenn, but Caryn had vowed to her parents and to herself and maybe god that she would take the adventure that came to her, as C.S. Lewis once said. That whatever her old self wanted, no matter how true and right it might have been, it was for Jenn’s benefit alone that Caryn fought.
“Take the adventure…” Caryn said absentmindedly.
“What, honey?” Angela asked. She pushed one of the bottles of water into Caryn’s hands.
“Narnia. You remember when Daddy would read to us? The Last Battle where everything looked hopeless. They trusted anyway. Taking the adventure that came to them? That’s what I have to do. No matter what, my adventure is to be as Jenn’s best friend.”
“Yes, honey, but I do remember how terribly hard it was until everything turned out alright.” Angela used her hand to urge Caryn to drink.
“Alright. Yes, Mom.” That part of them that was Mickey suddenly thought about the story. She tilted her head and remembered to a time years ago when her… her other mom read the same book to the little boy. She sighed when she suddenly remembered what Mommy Katie said.
At the same moment, Caryn said, “Jill Pole;’ once again aloud instead of musing silently.
“Oh yes,” Angela smiled and patted Caryn on the arm, evoking a start.
“You were just like her. Brave and adventurous!” That reminder became somewhat uncomfortable at first. Mickey remembered her own Mom saying the exact same thing to the little boy.
“But Mommy…she’s…she’s a girl…” To which Katie remarked almost casually, “Yes, honey. She is!” As the memories melded together Caryn realized that just being her…the new Caryn…was the adventure that came to both of them; the girl who always had been and would continue but also that new part of her who was destined to become her as well.
“Further up and further in,” Angela said, quoting the book. Caryn looked around at the newness of the house that had always been her home and repeated the words with a broad smile.
“Yep, Mommy! Further up and further in.” Mickey sighed just a little inside, knowing that sacrifice was part…the Lion’s Share, actually, of the destiny for both new and old. They began to cry.
“Oh honey? Caryn? Why are you so teary?”
“You know I will do everything I can to see Jenn happy. Please tell me you have faith in me? I want to make Jenn happy,” Caryn said. She paused
“I…It’s just that I’m afraid, Mom…that I’ll just get all selfish and let her down.”
Their premature departures and arrivals left both Caryns feeling that fear that was driven by misplaced guilt. And while Angela only heard one voice, a recently emerging pair of altos mixed in only a little bit of sadness as both new and old continued.
“I… it will be a very good thing to see this through, Mom, but I’m afraid I’ll never be happy.” Angela scooted over her chair and hugged her daughter as she cried.
“I know, baby girl. I know.” Angela pushed a wisp of Caryn’s hair aside and kissed her forehead while repeating “I know, Caryn, I know!”
After a few moments she pulled back just a bit from Caryn to arm’s length and spoke.
“I don’t know why or how, honey, but with god as my witness, I truly believe everything will be alright.”
“Really?” both Caryns asked; not in doubt but only with the need to hear their mom again. Angela kissed Caryn’s forehead again and smiled.
“Really! Now drink your water!”
A while later…
“Daddy?” Caryn beckoned Jason over and pointed to her phone as tears fell from her chin?” He said nothing; leaving her to say what she needed to say. His smile and nod silently eased her next words.
“I…” She pointed to the phone again.
“Jenn’s mom says she’s worried that I’m trying too hard…That Jenn just needs a little more time...”
“I ruined everything.” Caryn put her head down; her sobbing gettting so intense as to shake the table. Angela walked in and saw Caryn.
“What’s wrong?” she mouthed silently. Jason put his arms out a bit; palms up.
“She’s feeling guilty that she hasn’t…” he mouthed.
“We both know who she gets that from,” Angela whispered back as she patted her chest.
“Caryn? Honey? Let’s move to the couch, okay?” Jason said as he touched her shoulder. She got up slowly; almost like sleep walking. She might need to talk at any second, but what she desperately needed at that moment was a hug that went beyond ‘there, there.’ Jason walked her over to the couch and sat her down next to Angela.
“Oh Mommy…it hurts so much,” Caryn said haltingly between gasps.
Angela went to speak, but quickly dismissed the idea. Yes, the heartache she and Jason and Caryn had endured after Lisa died was bad enough, but they all worked though that horrible feeling of angry self-accusations from the guilt of just surviving. It wasn’t that Angela was wrong to want to comfort Caryn with the words ‘I know.’
Angela simply didn’t know. She and Jason had known each other since middle school. Life-long friends who became lovers long before Caryn and Lisa were born. No matter what fate would allow, they married the loves of their lives.
Caryn would never know that kind of love if things continued to go as they were. There were no guarantees that their daughter would ever be happy, as sad as that prospect seemed to be.
“Daddy? Am I a good girl?” The two Caryns both asked, but it was Mickey who needed to know. Jason pulled over a kitchen chair and sat down. Angela gently tugged Caryn’s chin around.
“Of course you are.” Jason smiled at his wife. Angela was a lot like her daughter, as funny as that reversal might seem. She wanted to fix this. But reassurance sometimes requires unnecessary proof; the hearing what we already know to be true that often bears repeating.
“Why do you ask?” Jason said; all the while smiling at Angela. She nodded that she understood.
“Mommy and Daddy think you’re alright.” Angela said. That word again. Both girls cringed at the thought. Old Caryn did have Jenn to lose in a way and Mickey had everything to lose all over again. But this new Caryn in him… in her did want every bit of happiness to bless Jenn Picone. Truth be told, it was becoming abundantly clear to Caryn Elizabeth O’Connor that they indeed had become the good girl both new and old were meant be.
“Mommy? Daddy? I…I have a secret.” Caryn wept; not out of guilt or shame or compulsion. Both girls wept because to be the Caryn they were meant to be was to say goodbye to Jenn. To release her to be whoever she was intended to be and to let her find someone…anyone but Caryn.
The kindest thing she would ever do in her lifetime seemed to be that her only choice was to let go of the only thing she ever wanted. The awkward teen who never confessed her love and the boy who became that same girl who had to say no to herself. At least that’s what she …what they thought….
Meanwhile, at the Picone house…
“Jenn? Are you okay? You’re awfully quiet!” Connie stood outside Jenn’s bedroom. A moment later Jenn opened the door; her face pale and wet with perspiration Connie shook her head; not out of correction or even out of fear. It was more like something her mother would say in times like this, but Connie only thought it,
Jesus, Mary and Joesph! This cannot be happening.
She gently took Jenn by the hand and led her back to her own bedroom.
“My sweet baby girl! This is not flu. It’s not a virus.” Connie walked Jenn into the bathroom and sat her down on the toilet. She started a checklist in her head before asking questions. Something told her…just how things were going.
“You love Raisin Bran but it doesn’t taste right?” Jenn nodded and Connie continued.
“You went for a nice walk on Saturday but just wasn’t into it yesterday? Right?” Another nod.
Connie put her palms together in from of her face; a mixture of prayer and deep thinking. She asked, or rather showed,” You…” Connie used her hand to indicate something coming up and out of her mouth. Jenn nodded again, but much slower. Somehow Connie had already known. She grabbed a Walgreens bag hanging on the bathroom door.
“You okay for some Rosehip tea?” Jenn nodded but added, “I think so.” Connie place the bag on the vanity and kissed Jenn on the forehead.
“I’ll put the kettle on. Call me if you need me.”
“What’s in the bag, Mom?”
“I think I’m in the mood for saltines. You?” Connie didn’t wait but walked out and down the hallway. She was just reaching the kitchen archway when Jenn called out,
“Not funny, Mom,” Jenn shouted. Connie hadn’t meant to be so abrupt, but everything in her being just felt that something wonderful was about to happen. She only just then noticed it had gotten awful quiet. She turned to walk back down the hallway when Jenn’s voice came through clear as a bell and awfully loud.
“Mom? MOM? MOMMY! MOMMY!”
As confusing and even more challenging as things were about to become, Connie stepped quickly to the bedroom and stopped only for a couple of seconds. She thought about her own mom and remembered another phrase from when she was a kid
“Grazie Dio per la mia dolce ragazza……Thank you god for my sweet girl.”
Connie smiled and stared at the doorway but just close enough to hear Jenn crying, She quickly added, “Spero che sia una bambina! Please take care of my baby,” beforer rushung to her daughter's side
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye
To be Concluded
My apologies. This chapter got big enough so as to be unwieldy, I've completed Part 5, which will be the concluding chapter. Thanks!
Quotes are from the book, The Last Battle
the final book in the series, The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
The Call from the Soundtrack for the Motion Picture
The Voyage of The Dawn Treader
based upon the book bt C.S. Lewis
Words and Music by the artist
Regina Spektor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNsQewlFtEs
Previously…
“Jenn? Are you okay? You’re awfully quiet!” Connie stood outside Jenn’s bedroom. A moment later Jenn opened the door; her face pale and wet with perspiration Connie shook her head; not out of correction or even out of fear. It was more like something her mother would say in times like this, but Connie only thought it,
Jesus, Mary and Joesph! This cannot be happening.
She gently took Jenn by the hand and led her back to her own bedroom.
“My sweet baby girl! This is not flu. It’s not a virus.” Connie walked Jenn into the bathroom and sat her down on the toilet. She started a checklist in her head before asking questions. Something told her…just how things were going.
“You love Raisin Bran but it doesn’t taste right?” Jenn nodded and Connie continued.
“You went for a nice walk on Saturday but just wasn’t into it yesterday? Right?” Another nod.
Connie put her palms together in from of her face; a mixture of prayer and deep thinking. She asked, or rather showed,” You…” Connie used her hand to indicate something coming up and out of her mouth. Jenn nodded again, but much slower. Somehow Connie had already known. She grabbed a Walgreens bag hanging on the bathroom door.
“You okay for some Rosehip tea?” Jenn nodded but added, “I think so.” Connie place the bag on the vanity and kissed Jenn on the forehead.
“I’ll put the kettle on. Call me if you need me.”
“What’s in the bag, Mom?”
“I think I’m in the mood for saltines. You?” Connie didn’t wait but walked out and down the hallway. She was just reaching the kitchen archway when Jenn called out,
“Not funny, Mom,” Jenn shouted. Connie hadn’t meant to be so abrupt, but everything in her being just felt that something wonderful was about to happen. She only just then noticed it had gotten awful quiet. She turned to walk back down the hallway when Jenn’s voice came through clear as a bell and awfully loud.
“Mom? MOM? MOMMY! MOMMY!”
As confusing and even more challenging as things were about to become, Connie stepped quickly to the bedroom and stopped only for a couple of seconds. She thought about her own mom and remembered another phrase from when she was a kid
“Grazie Dio per la mia dolce ragazza……Thank you god for my sweet girl.”
Connie smiled and stared at the doorway but just close enough to hear Jenn crying, She quickly added, “Spero che sia una bambina! Please take care of my baby,” beforer rushung to her daughter's side.
Throwing light into a darkened cold
Hands that toil until the night grows old
Pure devotion of a faithful heart
and the patience of one that knows Your Spirit
And the river flows
Through eternity
Meanwhile at the O’Connors…
Angela had started to shake…only a bit, but anxious none the less,
“Caryn…You’re scaring me.”
“I’m sorry, Mommy…Daddy. You…You never deserved this.” Caryn began to sob. The new girl suddenly felt alone. She wrapped herself in a self hug; brand new to everyone except the new girl. The pretender that was destroying everyone;s happiness. Who knows? If she had the chance could she get Mr.Jordan to bring back the ‘real’ Caryn?
“But you are the real Caryn!” she heard Mrs. Jordan say from faraway.
“No I’m not. I’m a phony. I’m not a good girl!” Caryn shouted.” Jason shook his head no and Angela stood up.
“Caryn Elizabeth O’Commor! You stop it this instant. You’re my…You’re our daughter. You’re just … everything that’s happened. Jason? TALK to her! Talk to our Daughter!” Angela began to cry.
“But I’m not! I hurt you and Daddy because Caryn is gone. Oh…” The girl actually tried to curse but too much of the inevitable change would not allow it. But she still shouted,
“NO! Can’t you see? Are you blind?” She shook her head furiously.
Jason got up and grabbed Caryn by both shoulders.
“Stop it… Stop.” Jason O’Connor might be the most reasonable person you might meet and he was certainly calm. But the inevitable followed. How anyone could call any of this reasonable? Jason stared into Caryn’s eyes and noticed something peculiar..something off. The color drained from his face as the girl in his arms just kept repeating, “I’m sorry Mommy! I’m Sorry Daddy.”
“Why are you sorry,” Angela asked. “Why?”
Caryn fell to her knees; holding up her arms to plead for forgiveness. She swallowed hard and spoke as clear as her sobs would allow.
Down through the ages the Truth will survive
Turning the pages the Light cannot die
Down through the ages the Truth will survive
It was slowly dawning on them, however reluctantly, that everything went beyond the here and now. But Caryn had to argue anyway. None of it and every bit of it couldn’t be truem could it?
“The morning I got hurt…when Caryn was hurt?”
“Stop it, kitten!” Jason would never be able to understand why he used the endearment in anger. He took a deep breath as his fists balled up.
“NO! Caryn didn’t live. She died,” the girl wasn’t hysterical but still struggled to speak. By now, Angela was on the floor across from Caryn; as if she could bargain against the truth that was now overwhelming the family. Jason had fallen back into the chair, remembering what he thought he saw in Caryn’s eyes’ Eyes that smiled at Daddy on the day she was born. Eyes that doted on her twin. Eyes that loved her mother more than any other besides her Daddy and Lisa. Those same eyes that now begged desperately for release. Caryn stood up. She would never be angry but she was frustrated beyond all hope.
“Mommy! Daddy? Caryn died… And I died the night before. I don’t know why but the people took her… they left me in her place. I tried to be her. I wanted to be her. But I can’t! She needs to be here. Not me! I died. I was going to see my mom at the cemetery and I… They couldn’t save me…”
Angela was rocking back and forth. Jason starred at the girl and shook his head. Those eyes. A tiny fleck of blue in a sea of brown. When did Caryn ever tilt her head like that. This isn’t fair! It isn’t. They all knew it. But deep inside someone spoke. Angela didn’t actually hear any voice, but she felt both Caryn and Lisa.
Pages of eternal mystery
Where the Spirit knows what the eye cannot see
Images of Earth and Heaven
Mysteriously drawn together
None of it made sense but all of it made sense, And eternity was about to provide the truth of it all.
“We’re okay, Mommy…” Lisa said.
“Really, Daddy? Leesie and I are okay. We’ll be just fine.” Caryn said and Jason felt a gentle hand touch his arm.
Jason shook his head no. He pointed to the girl who sat on the floor; weeping.
“What about him?? Why him? This makes no sense.” Jason felt his advantage was ebbing away; he was losing an argument he could never have won to begin with It was so unreal.
Bu it wasn’t at all about real or unreal at that point. It just didn’t fit. But like many couples, viewpoints often were often exchanged. Angela walked up to the only daughter she would ever see happy. Caryn tried to push her mother away; overcome with shame for something that was actually a blessing. A first chance of sorts.
“No, Mommy! Please? I have to go. Please let me go. The transformation was now complete. The girl the boy never realized he was stood in her own home with her own parents, Angela pulled her even closer and showered her new daughter with kisses; leaving Caryn confused and overwhelmed,
“Mickey? Is that what I’m supposed to call you?” Jason stepped close and stared once again into those eyes. Caring eyes. Fiercely loyal eyes. The eyes of a daughter he was meeting for the very first time even as he recalled the Caryn who left to gain a blessing elsewhere that some wait forever to find.
But this Caryn still backed away, feeling once again like the little boy who lost his mommy and never really had a daddy.
“Caryn?” Jason said softy.
“It’s okay to call you that?” The girl remained quiet.
“I…have a confession of sorts…not really…just something only you and I know.” Caryn winced at Jasons words but he continued.
“At Caryn’s softball picnic last year…” He paused and shook his head at the craziness of the moment.
“ Caryn…you..oh god.” His tears fell freely but with the weeping finally came enlightenment.
“Caryn had just told us…” Angela interjected.
“We really already knew…that…that Jenn and you…she said, ‘just like you and Mommy..” Angela had forgotten all about it until just then. She stifled a sob; not a biiter sob but the kind that realizes just how precious life is. Jason was strggling for words.
“She had told us how she loved that you loved Jenn. A match made in heaven, she said. And you told Jason…oh god how did we ever forget this” I remembered it at your…Mickey’s Memorial… At the picnic you…Mickey...you told Jason that you…you felt the same way about Caryn…”
It was almost too much for Angela. Jason stepped over and grabbed Angela’s hand and spoke.
“You told me that if things were different, it would all be the same in the end because you and Caryn both loved…both love Jenn. But you said something that sounded odd at the time. ‘Mr.O’Connor? I have to say that if I ever could be as good as anyone, Well, Your daughter is about as nice as anyone. I just hope I can love Jenn the way Caryn does. I guess if I wasn’t around..’” Jason repeated Mickey’s words.
“You told me if you weren’t around you’d be okay because Caryn loved Jenn so much.” Jason shook his head and Caryn just sobbed over the sheer wonder of it all. The truth of it all.
And the river flows
Through eternity
Down through the ages the Truth will survive
Turning the pages the Light cannot die
Down through the ages the Truth will survive
And while most times, a happy family with a happy ending might be a good place to end this story? But…
At the O’Connor home, several days later
Even as best as could be expected, there still was a cloud of awkwardness hovering over the house; small and growing smaller moment by moment. The character..the essence of Mickey Bisceglia remained, but as was vowed, Mickey had become the best Caryn she could be.
“I know you want to tell Jenn so bad. Maybe even need to?” Angela said as she sipped a mug of cocoa,
“I don’t know anything I could say that would make it easy…or even just easier. But you…but we have time. The one who started this all must have a plan?”
“I’m sorry, kitten,” Jason said. As odd as it has first sounded things started to fit. The girl at the breakfast table was their daughter. Caryn was a double blessing.
Everything of Mickey’s being was the same even as Caryn soon remembered how to sew and pitch underhand and console a sad little girl at summer day camp. All the particulars fit, but Caryn came to enjoy all those things she already loved. And she would always love hiking and even skydiving.
But what about Jenn? Caryn hadn’t spoken with or texted with her in days, and it felt like they would grow apart. As Angela was chopping some dill and onions for the Salmon she had in the dish she had on the counter, her cell phone rang. She figured it must be Jason at Wegmans reporting that they were out of asparagus or something.
“Caryn? Can you grab my phone? My hands are wet from the veggies.”
“Sure thing Mom!” Caryn was growing into the sheer joy of belonging now that the secret was put to rest. She grabbed the phone.
“O’Connors! Oh hi, Mrs. Picone. How is…she’s… Mom’s okay? That’s great. What? Oh sure. One Sec!” Caryn grabbed a dishtowel off the counter and handed it to Angela,
“Mrs, Picone says she has some great news but she has to tell you first,”
“Sure thing. Just a sec,” Angela said as she wiped her hands. A moment later Caryn handed her the phone.
“Hi Connie. What’s up. Yes, Caryn said you had some good news that you wanted to share. Uh huh… I’m so glad Jenn is doing better…Oh…okay.”
Angela hit the speaker icon on the phone and placed it on the counter. Just then Jason walked in with a few bags of groceries. Caryn noticed and pointed to the phone.
“I’ll get the rest in a minute, Dad. Mrs. Picone is on the phone and has great news about Jenn.”
“Okay,” Jason said and grabbed a can of seltzer from the fridge.
“Angela? Sweetie? Can you take it off speaker?” Angela stared at the phone almost as if Connie was right there. She tapped the icon and put the phone to her ear.
“Yes…uh huh?” Angela turned to Caryn and Jason.
“She says you have to sit down.” She put the phone to her ear again.
“Oh Connie? What’s wrong? What? Two happy secrets…That’s nice…Can I please put it on speaker..’kay?”
“She says she’s crying for happy…Here Connie. Tell us the good news.” Another tap to the icon.
“Hi Jason. Hi, Caryn.”
“Hi,” they both said. Caryn waved to the phone.
“Are you all sitting down?” At that, Angela grabbed a kitchen chair and sat down by the counter; her eyes fixed on the phone.
“Jenn was feeling well enough to go for a walk. Over by Quik Chek. A nice older lady waved her over. Jenn was a bit startled at first, but they were out in the open and the lady seemed nice.” Connie paused for just a few moments before conyinuing.
“She said she had two secrets we needed to hear. Three actually, since she knew a secret Jenn and I had. Are you still sitting down?”
“Yes!” they all said, quite accidentally in unison.
“Great. Last one first for everyone, but for you especially, Caryn.” The girl resisted the temptation to interrupt other than to say, ‘Okay.’
“The lady told Jenn to remind you. She said, ‘from your mouth to god’s ears.’ That’s something a lot of Nana’s say. She said…this is for you, Caryn. She said ‘Tell Miss O’Connor that Mrs. Jordan says Hello.’ She said something that she knew you’d understand. Jenn had her phone so she wrote it in the note section…”Connie paused. Jason and Angela looked at each other and Caryn just stared at the floor.
“’Tell Miss “O’Connor I told you it would be alright!’”
“What does she mean, honey?” Angela asked. Caryn just pointed to the counter as if Connie was right there.
“Next, secret number one. Actually the best one, I guess. Jenn is expecting!” It would have been difficult enough just with that alone. But Connie continued.
“Yep… I’m gonna be a Nana.” She said, choking back a sob.
“Don’t worry. Like I told Ang…Happy tears.! Okay third secret is a two parter. Part A? Jenn died a bit inside not too long ago, but the lady said the same thing to her…that everything would be alright. She said that she knew Jenn would be okay… forever okay.” Caryn started to shake.
“Part B? Well the baby will have three doting grandparents. I think the rest of this you really need to hear this in person.” The phone went silent but the speaker was on so Connie could listen. Caryn started to cry.
“Hey…none of that!” They all turned around to see Jennifer Grace Picone standing at the back kitchen door.
“Honey? I think I sorta knew when I looked into your eyes when you stood up at the field. But I sorta didn’t at the same time. I’m sorry but it didn’t really sink in until the lady told me …not about you so much as about.. well, about knowing about the little girl I’m carrying. My baby…our baby!”
Caryn wasn’t a crier for most of her life except when Lisa died. Mickey had all too many reasons to cry; as the little boy but then through the conflict and turmoil of her change. In that moment, however, every last bit of her transformation was completed when Jenn walk up to her and took her in her arms and said at last,
“I love you so very much.” From a dearth of attention to a wealth of love, Caryn Elizabeth O’Connor had come full circle. Just one last bit of business to take care of. Jenn kissed Caryn for the very first time and laughed softly; saying at last,
“I hope you don’t mind but I figured it was okay. I took the liberty of naming our little girl…. Michele Kathrine O’Connor.” Jenn grabbed Caryn’s right hand and placed it on her still small if growing tummy and said,
“Congratulations, Mrs. Picone. You’re gonna be a Mommy.”
October 17th, 2079…somewhere else entirely…
While two very elegant women had boarded the bus, two vibrant young ladies got off the bus. Several figures were waiting at the depot. First, two girls almost sprinted to the new arrivals. Huge hugs all around promised an eternity of more of the same. Lisa stepped to the sister she never met but had known all along.
“Thanks for taking care of Mommy and Daddy. Oh… They went on a picnic with Jenn’s mom. Lisa pointed to a breathtaking view of the most beautiful meadow anyone could ever imagine.
“Nana Connie says hi! And of course Mommy and Daddy love you both. They’ll all be at the new arrival banquet later.” She stepped closer and kissed Jenn and Caryn.
A second later Caryn’s sister appeared… They would quickly figure out that it might be a very good idea to call the original twin Elizabeth…Liz for short… just to keep things easy. She kissed Jenn hello.
“I’m sorry I had to leave so abruptly. But the last fifty-five years went by awfully fast. Thank you for loving me.” While Liz understood that Jenn loved her counterpart all these years, she knew that Jenn always treasured her as well.
She turned to Caryn. Leaning close, she whispered in her successor’s ear.
“We are both Lisa’s sister, honey. You’re the real deal.” Caryn began to cry.
“Hey! None of that!” Liz hugged her and grabbed both of Caryn’s hands.
“I bless you from the bottom of my heart. I will never be able to thank you enough for taking care of our girl,” Liz said and kissed Caryn on the nose just like the both did in a way with their mom. She stepped back and a familiar face appeared.
“Glad you could make it. See? Didn’t I tell you it would be alright.”
Caryn blinked back what would be the first of many exclusively happy tears and said,
“Alright? It was perfect, Mrs. Jordan!”
“Well, Mrs. Picone? Not just yet, but it will be shortly.” Mrs. Jordan stepped aside to reveal a pretty, petite dark haired woman; older than young but so much younger than old. She was smiling more than Caryn remembered but her eyes gleamed with a light that only comes from a mother’s love.
She stepped past Caryn for only a moment and spoke to Jenn. She hadn’t spoken anything but Irish for decades, but she blessed Jenn with a a kiss and an assuring squeeze of the arm.
“Thank you, sweet daughter for loving my girl.”
And then at last came the reunion for the ages as Katherine O’Brien kissed her child for the first time in so many years and kissed her ‘new’ daughter for the very first time.
“Mo leanbh... Is breá liom tú le mo chroí go léir.”
“I love you too, Mommy… so very, very much.” Caryn said at last.
“With all my heart!”
And the river flows
Through eternity
Down through the ages the Truth will survive
Turning the pages the Light cannot die
Down through the ages the Truth will survive
(The End of the Beginning)
River Flows
Composed by the performers
The Band Iona
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvxBXMdxTjc