A little morsel I dreamed up this afternoon.
Spider
by
Angharad
I smacked my hand on the keyboard, I had lost again at Spider Solitaire. I had worked out long ago that it was rigged to cheat, it withheld cards I needed and also knew what cards it was going to play. This was the third game in a row where I had lost because there was no flipping red jack or a black five, the game knew I couldn't clear the suit and so thwarted me yet again. Occasionally, I thought about revenging myself on the man who wrote the program for all the frustrations I felt because of it. At times it felt personal and so I was going to be personal back, leaving him in a maze rigged with antipersonnel mines or tied up in a garage when I locked him in and set fire to it. It was evil of me, but then he was evil too, to have written that program.
I toyed with my long hair, I had stopped sucking it when I discovered so many girls need treatment to get the hair out of their stomachs, but I'm not a girl, let me rephrase that, I'm a boy but I know I'm really a girl. How do I know? It's because I've always known, well, since I discovered boy and girls were different I've aligned myself with the girls. I told my mum that I was really a girl and thankfully she didn't freak out but told me to be careful. We came to an arrangement, she allows me to dress as a girl in the house and I don't do so outside in public on my own. It's nearly as frustrating as Spider, but I love her and don't want to upset her, she's a good mum.
Perhaps I should tell you about us: as you can gather I live with my mum. She's thirty-eight and looks after herself very well, so she understands a bit about how I feel in presenting myself as a girl. I'm good at my makeup, my hair is down to my shoulders, it was longer but I had to have it trimmed to get rid of split ends and it was cut like a girl's, so it will have a nice shape before long. I have had pierced ears for about five years and usually wear studs in them when I'm in school but I have quite a collection of jewellery including earrings of all sorts of shapes and sizes. I can only wear them at home though.
Recently we went on holiday where no one knows us and Mum let me dress as a girl while we were away, it was fabulous and nobody knew I was really a boy under the skirts and makeup. I saw that I attracted the attention of boys quite a lot, and that was nice if a little scary, sort of nice scary.
I've been taking various herbal tablets for about five years, they mimic hormones and I have small mounds on my chest and my hips are bigger than a normal boy, but then I'm not a boy am I?
I keep trying to persuade my mum to take me to the doctor's to get a referral to a gender clinic but she chicken's out every time, once I am sixteen, I can speak to the doctor myself. Once he knows, I'm sure my mum will come on board. There is only the two of us, my dad apparently ran off with his secretary just after I was born. Mum was very upset and disliked men for quite a while but she made an exception for me, so that isn't why I'm like I am, that was just nature's mistake.
When I got my hair cut, I went as a girl. Mum took me to a salon in a town several miles away, I got dressed in a skirt and top and did my makeup, and just wore studs in my ears because, with dangly earrings, they just get in the hairdresser's way. We had lunch out as well and even did a little shopping. It was about two weeks before we went on holiday. I even bought a bikini, which I wore on holiday, taping myself up wasn't very pleasant and I had to wear padding in the bra to make my boobs look big enough, but with a shirt with a button-up front, it looked okay. I couldn't go in the sea but that didn't worry me, besides, I'd rather swim in a pool in my one-piece costume, I can just tuck myself for that..
So here I am, all dressed up with nowhere to go. It's the Easter holidays from school, mum is in work, she's a solicitor, and I've been doing the laundry. Our garden is secluded, so I hung the washing on the line, then I made my lunch, which was when I played Spider and lost three games. I don't really want to kill anyone, just win it more often, and girls aren't like that really, are they? Though I know one or two in school who are as bad as the boys for violence and nastiness, however, those I tend to mix with are really quite nice and see me as an honorary girl anyway.
My initials are M.A., so they nicknamed me Emma, which has sort of stuck, and even the bullies tend to call me that these days, though not in a friendly way, but they leave me alone most of the time, especially when I'm with a pack of girls. They treat me with some contempt as they see me as effeminate and letting the side down, I just see myself as a girl, so I am, I suppose, a bit feminine, but I don't care, I'm just being myself.
Perhaps one day she'll agree for me to attend a gender clinic, I even know which dress I'd wear, depending on the weather of course, it's going to rain tomorrow, which is why I did the laundry today. The place is pretty clean and tidy and I've done all my homework, so I might do some embroidery later although Stephanie said she might come round this afternoon, she's one of my closest friends. They used to live next door but they moved a couple of years ago to a bigger house, she has two brothers and another sister who is quite a bit younger, so she has to do lots of babysitting and isn't free that often.
So that's me, hoping my friend will visit but I've got lots to do and I'll never finish this sampler if I keep putting it down, things could be better but they could also be worse.
I did used to get bullied, but they seem to have found other targets and like I said, the girls protect me as one of their own for which I'm very thankful. Some of my best friends are allowed to come to my house and see me as a girl, but they understand why I can't go out, even in a pack of girls, though I've been working on it and Mum is starting to waiver, so one day perhaps I will go out with my friends to our local shops instead of very occasional outings with my mum to a distant town, where they don't know me.
Spider 2
by
Angharad
Wow, Stephanie did come round and we sat in the garden and talked, it's something girls do rather a lot, including me. Mum says I can talk the hind legs off a donkey, when we were at the Donkey Sanctuary as part of our holiday last year, I wondered if I should try it and suggested it to my mum as we dozens of donkeys around, she laughed out loud and then went rather red when she saw people were looking at us.
I said because of something that Stephanie said. She said our friend Emily was asking if she thought I would be her brother Arthur's escort to the school dance. Arthur is gay, and although it is not generally known, several girls he asked turned him down probably not because they know it, but because they were already going with their boyfriends. When I asked Stephanie if she couldn't go with him and she said her boyfriend would be furious and besides he had asked her himself.
"Why couldn't Emily go with Arthur, then?"
"What, brother and sister? No way Josѐ, that's tantamount to incest, half the fun of going is the snogging afterwards before your parents come to get you. Will you think about it, but don't take too long, as the dance is in a month's time."
"I don't think Mummy will like it," I replied.
"You won't know until you ask her."
"I just know she won't, she is so protective of me."
"But Arthur is a nice boy."
"I know that but Mummy doesn't."
"Well, invite him round so she can meet him and see for herself."
"I suppose I could do, but I have to ask her first."
"Gee whiz, is she that strict? I can have around anyone I like as you know because you've been there yourself."
"I know, but your parents knew all about me, they also know my mother so it's not quite the same. Also, I mean I've never been out to a dance before because I'd have had to go as a boy and it would have been purgatory to see all the other girls in their finery and not be able to wear mine. And because I've never been, I wouldn't know what to do."
"We do dancing here, just do some of that and you get to kiss a boy."
"I've never kissed a boy and because it's Arthur, I don't know if that would count."
"Why not, he's a boy isn't he?"
"Sort of..." I squeaked back.
"Of course he's a boy, you idiot, he may be into other boys but he's all boy, perhaps more so than most boys."
"I hadn't thought of it like that," I said shrugging my shoulders.
"You can talk anyway," she said rather sharply.
I blushed and felt a little bit teary, I always do when they question my girliness. Stephanie knew she'd hit my buttons and apologised that she didn't mean it that way and if I wanted people to support my being allowed to be a girl, I had to accept others.
I knew what she meant but I didn't interact with Arthur very much so I didn't really know him. "Now's your chance," she threw back at me and I didn't say anything. I just hid behind that fact that my mother would say no and left it at that. The conversation turned to other things and we criticised several girls from class for their lack of any style, talked about several boys who were rather scrummy and generally discussed our favourite topics which wasn't just clothes and shopping but other important things like our favourite soaps and music.
We were still talking when Mummy came home, she said hello to Stephanie and kicked off her shoes and massaged her feet for a few minutes, then asked me to make her a cuppa. Our evening meal was cooking in the slow-cooker thing and smelled delicious. I made us all a cuppa and was putting the pasta on to heat, when Stephanie speaking to my mother asked if I could invite Arthur around.
Talk about mortified, my mother was quite clear that only girls were allowed to visit me while I was dressed as Emma. Then, Stephanie said he was Emily's brother and so he was safe, and that it was for her to get a chance to look him over as he wanted to take me to the school dance. I thought she was going to explode but she didn't she just said she would consider it. That surprised me too. Turning down an offer to stay for our evening meal, she said she was expected home to eat but thanked my mother anyway.
The rest of the evening was spent watching some film or other on the tv not that either of us were paying much attention to it. Mummy was sipping a glass of wine when she suddenly asked about Arthur. "Who is this boy?" she asked me.
"What boy?" I asked back.
"The one Stephanie was on about."
"Oh, Arthur, he's Emily's brother,"
"Yes, I gathered that much from what Stephanie said and yes, I know Emily from her visiting you." She paused before adding, " Wouldn't you be expected to attend this dance as a boy?"
"No fear, if I couldn't go as a girl, I wouldn't go at all."
"Perhaps we could get a video instead." she offered.
"I hadn't even thought about it."
"Which, the video or the dance?"
"Either."
"I see, what if I were you to allow this boy to take you to this dance?"
"Oh, gosh, Mummy, that would be wonderful."
"Wouldn't they recognise you as a boy that attends the school?"
"I doubt it, no one pays me much attention."
"But they might if you attended it."
"Don't see why," I said ingenuously.
"Other girls will scrutinise you and may pick up on you hair or just recognise you anyway."
"I doubt it, I keep my hair in a ponytail when I'm in school and with makeup on I look very different."
"Not that different," she replied making me feel very uncomfortable.
"I thought you said I looked different."
"You do, but do you look different enough not to be identified."
"Yeah, I think so."
"I'm not so sure, maybe we could use one of those temporary hair dyes that wash out after one use."
"What colour?" I asked.
"I don't know, I just thought of it."
"Perhaps I could go as redhead?" I suggested.
"I don't think so. When do I get to meet this Arthur boy, then?"
"I don't know, I'll have to ask him in school."
"Is that wise, if people see you talking to him they could put two and two together."
"I suppose I could phone Emily and see what she thinks."
"The fact that Stephanie asked you outright means she knows all about it."
"Shall I ring her and ask to talk to him, assuming he's there."
"Better hurry up then, it's after eight o'clock." I dashed off to ring her immediately. Of course, she wanted to chat and I had to speed her up a bit. Eventually, I asked if it were true that Arthur wanted to take me to the dance.
"I don't know he was asking some girl from across town last I heard."
"Oh, I see," I think I sounded quite desolate.
"I'll ask him as soon as I see him, why did you want to go?"
"Well, you know how strict my mother is about me as a girl, well, she sounds as if she is considering it if I went with Arthur."
"Okay, that means I'll definitely ask him when he comes in."
"Where is he then?"
"I don't know, I am not my brother's keeper," she said and I replied that he sounded like something from a zoo. She laughed and said it was from the Bible or somewhere like that. I knew perfectly well it was from the Bible but I didn't say so. We talked a bit longer and she said she could possibly come on Wednesday with Stephanie. I told her that I'd look forward to it. We both rang off.
"Well?" my mother said.
"He's out apparently," I said almost apologetically.
"I see, well I'll let you go if this Arthur boy meets my standards, but not unless, so don't get your hopes up yet."
"I won't, Mummy, but thanks for considering it anyway." Part of me wanted to go but snogging a boy wasn't quite the same as talking to other girls about them. So I wasn't quite so certain I wanted to go even though they all might, but then they had probably all done so before, it was like the dancing, I thought I could probably shake my booty with the best of them, but I was unsure. Still, if Mummy is thinking about it perhaps she'll let me go shopping with them before too long. I could only hope.
I went to bed excited and worried at the same time thinking about what would happen if I was identified. Part of me couldn't care less but life in school would impossible and what would they think of Mummy for letting me go. That was frightening and I suddenly realised that other people would be affected as well as me. I suddenly decided I wouldn't go and then we'd all be safe. Shortly after I fell asleep but I'm sure I had funny dreams all night.