The Pinky Confessions 1

There is a debate about transgender children. Should a Child be allowed to change gender? Some parents even allow their children to be drag kids! Should we allow this so the child is happy? Or is this just a form of child abuse?
You may know me as Pinky and read a lot about me. This is my story in my words.
A story of who I was, who I wanted to be, who others wanted me to be and who people thought I was

There has been a debate in the media on a recent trend today. The debate is about drag kids. We all know that drag queens have existed from the beginning of time and now some parents allow their children to dress in drag. The parents will argue that it is innocent fun. The critics would argue that it is child abuse and can scar a child for life. When you look at videos of these drag kids, you wonder if this is something they really want. You wonder how their parents would allow this. Are these children happy? Is it their choice? Where is the boundary for when it can be considered child abuse and not just the excuse that children are having fun?

In some countries, governments are considering that children should have the right to decide their gender. When a child wants to be the other gender, they are politically correctly understood and given this chance. Parents that allow this will say that they want their child to be happy. In some countries, children can get help such as hormones or puberty blockers at a very young age. The critical question we must ask here is when is someone old enough and mature enough to make such decisions? Was the child influenced in any way? Did the child get proper counselling and help with its gender identification problems?

I will not preach about this. I just wanted you to have this in your mind while you read my story. They say there are two sides to every coin. You will hear my side and you can judge yourself on what happened to me in my childhood.

Everyone knows me as Chrissy or my nickname pinky. What you know is what you have read in the media or seen on TV. Maybe you even heard some gossip. There is a lot that you do not know and maybe you should hear my story from me. This is a story about my childhood. I will let you decide if I was a victim of child abuse or if what I experienced was done out of love and understanding.

I was born in a middle-class family. My Dad wrote books, so I was lucky enough that he worked at home. He was very athletic. I was always impressed at how much hair he had on his arms and yet he was bald. He was not a famous author, but he did well enough that our family had enough money. This is also because Dad came from a very rich family, so even at his age, he had an allowance. Otherwise, Dad was a person that talked a lot. He liked being the centre of attention and thought that everything he said was wisdom itself. Dad was one of those Dads that liked to spend time with his children. In this way, we were lucky.

Mom was a housewife. She was so pretty that she could have been the most famous model in the world. Unlike Dad, she was quiet and only talked when she needed to. She did not have the need to be the centre of attention. She was the type of person that took pride in her role as a mother and she wanted everyone to feel happy and wanted. At the same time, my mother also could be strict. She did not want brats as children or for us to be spoiled. She often told us that she wanted us to be people that made this world a better place.

I also had a sister that was older than me. She was nice and not too bossy. She always had a lot of friends. From an early age, I always looked up to my big sister. She was smart and funny and was liked by everyone. Sometimes she could be very girly and at other times she could be a tomboy. I felt that I was lucky to have her as a sister. She helped me in many ways and would give me advice. My sister would hate it if I was sad or scared about something, and do her best to make me feel better.

So that was the family that I was born into. Compared to other families where there is poverty or domestic violence or parents that do not love their children, I had a good start in life.

Unlike other stories you hear of transgender children, I never thought that I was a girl in a boy's body. I never wanted to be a girl. I do not think, I even thought of the difference between boys and girls. We did not have boy toys or girl toys. A lot of the toys we had were educational. I remember once that mom got mad when I was pretending to be a cowboy with a gun. She thought that it was wrong that I pretended to have a gun and explained that guns are meant to injure and kill. She did not want me to play anything that glorified violence. At the same time, my parents did not mind if I played with my sister's dolls or her toys. To be honest, I did not care what I played with. My main goal was just to have fun.

I think my life changed in the most innocent way. When I was at preschool, we were told one day that we could dress up. We all ran to the chests where there were costumes and other clothes. For some reason, I picked a princess dress. When I put it on, I thought it was so strange and yet so pretty. I noticed that the other boys were wearing superhero costumes. Maybe it was because of our young age, but no one teased me that I was wearing a dress. The only one that commented it was the teacher when she asked me If I was sure I wanted to wear a princess dress. She explained that only girls ever wanted to wear dresses. I just shrugged my shoulder and told her it was just pretending. I thought the dress was pretty, but it did not make me feel any different than I did when I wore boy clothes.

When I was home that night, Dad told me that we had to have a talk. I always hated when he said this. It usually meant that I have done something wrong. Dad was smiling when he started to talk and this made me relax more. He told me that he heard that I wore a dress at preschool. He asked me if I could tell him why I preferred to dress as a princess and not a spiderman. I just shrugged my shoulders and told him that I did not think. I just took the dress and wore it. I never thought that it was wrong or forbidden.

My Dad smiled once again and told me that I was not in trouble.

“You have also been a special child,” he explained, “It is great that you were brave enough to wear a dress. Some boys realize that they were born in the wrong body and should have been born as a girl. This could be the case with you! Maybe you were meant to be born as a girl. I just want to tell you that if you ever discover that you are a girl, then I hope you will be brave enough to tell me. I will support you in every way I can. Unlike when I was a child, it is more accepted now that boys can decide that they want to be a girl. In this case, you would not be my son, but my daughter that I would love just as much!”

I did not respond. The fact was that this talk confused me so much. I knew that I had a boy's body and never thought of what it would be like to be a girl. I was always happy the way that I was. The only difference between me and other boys was that I had shoulder-length hair. Dad always thought it was a shame to cut my hair and I did not like short hair. This did not mean that I wanted to be a girl. The whole chat with Dad made me wonder if Dad wanted me to be a girl. Was he disappointed that I was born a boy? Why did he not tell me it was fine that I was happy being a boy?

All this was because I wore a dress once at school. It taught me one thing. I would never wear a dress again. It caused too much confusion.

I did promise that I would never wear a dress again, but this did not last long. It was nearly time for Halloween and it was time when we could wear a costume. I did not know what I wanted to dress as. I thought of dressing as superman. I even told dad this and he said that he would buy my costume. When he came home, he told me that he did not buy the superman costume, but found something that he knew I would love. It was an Alice in Wonderland costume. A frilly dress and tights! I looked at it speechless. I wanted to scream. It was obvious that Dad wanted me to wear a dress. I tried telling myself that he just thought he was supporting me. I did not protest as I did not want to make my Dad sad.

So I was once again dressed as a girl. I told myself that this was Halloween so it did not matter. After a while, I did not think much about the dress. I was pretending to be Alice. This did not mean that I was her. The dress was pretty and the tights felt nice on my legs. I could understand why girls wanted to wear pretty dresses. It made them feel special. I suppose this was the same when a boy wore football shorts. The boys thought they were sports stars. None of my friends said much about a dress. Some did say they would never wear a dress and the older boys called me a sissy. A big reaction came from the adults. They asked me if I was a boy. When I said yes, they were confused and asked why a boy would ever wear a dress. I did not want to tell them that it was a present from Dad.

A few days later, I asked dad what a sissy is.
“I do not like the word sissy,” he answered, “The right word is transgender. It's when a boy feels that he is a girl born in a boy's body. You liked wearing the dress and it made you feel special and brave. You are finding out who you really are, and as I promised you that I would support you in every way I could!”

The Pinky Confessions 2

There is a debate about transgender children. Should a Child be allowed to change gender? Some parents even allow their children to be drag kids! Should we allow this so the child is happy? Or is this just a form of child abuse?
You may know me as Pinky and read a lot about me. This is my story in my words.
A story of who I was, who I wanted to be, who others wanted me to be and who people thought I was

I walked to my bedroom after Dad told me what a sissy was. I wore a dress twice in my short life, so this did not make me a sissy. Some part of my brain thought that Dad liked me wearing a dress and in some way wanted me to be a girl or a sissy or whatever it was called. This confused me so I decided to ask my mom. I blushed as I asked her did Dad want me to be a girl. My mom just smiled and said that he wanted me to be happy. She was sure that Dad would love me no matter what gender I was. He wanted me to be happy and have a good life. He only bought me the Halloween dress because he wanted me to be happy.

I started to think that my mom was right. Dad just got the dress because he thought he was supporting me. His whole speech about accepting that I was a sissy was just to show me that he would love me if I was a sissy. I was sure that this would all blow over when he could see that I was happy the way that I was. I was not a sissy and did not want to be a girl. I just wanted to be myself. I wanted to be the way that God created me.

Time went years went by and I was now 8 years old. The whole confusion that I experienced was long forgotten. Well, it was not totally forgotten. I did not dress like the other boys in my class. Maybe this was because Dad bought our clothes. My clothes were bright colours and pastel colours. I also wore tight jeans or leggings. I never considered these clothes girly, not even when my sister thought that they were pretty. I just accepted things as the way they were. The main thing was that my dad no longer gave me speeches about being a girl or sissy things. Looking back at it, I know that I was too young to realize how I was slowly changing.

My life started drastically changed when we finally had summer holidays before school. It was just before my 9th birthday. On the last day of school, when I came home, I found that all my boy undies were gone. They were all girl panties. They were all in different pastel colours or Disney princess ones. Some had small bows in the front and some had lace around the edges. There were even some tights in my drawer. I just stood there and gawked at them. At first, I thought that a mistake was made and someone put my sister's clothes there. When I asked dad, he said that he knew that I would like them. He also said that I was getting too old for spiderman briefs. He also reminded me that he would support me in finding my identity. I was so confused. He thought I was too old for spiderman briefs and it would be ok to wear princess panties? My friends still wore superhero briefs!

I tried to tell mom to speak with my dad about the panties and tights. She just shrugged her shoulders and said that they must be unisex and Dad was just trying to be nice to me. When I told her that my friends at school would tease me if they saw me wearing them, she just smiled and said that was because they were jealous. I doubted this very much. My sister even said that she thought I was brave to wear them and asked me if I really wanted to wear them. I just shrugged my shoulder and told her I don’t mind. I did not want to cause any drama.

Mom and Dad did buy me the best present that I ever got for my birthday. It was not the pastel colour clothes that they got me. It was a Karaoke machine. I never thought I had a singing voice, but when I tried it, even my sister said that I sang like an angel. Singing Karaoke was my favourite hobby. I could spend hours singing songs and pretending I was performing. Dad told me that I should perform for others. I could also do some videos and put them on youtube. He told me that people would love me. I told him that I was too shy for this. This did not stop Dad from asking me a hundred times if we should do a youtube video. I told him no every time. At least my mother supported me. She told Dad to stop pressuring me. Dad did not like this so an argument between my mom and Dad started. I hated when my parents argued. This time they were arguing because of me. It made me feel so guilty. It made me think that I just should have said yes to Dad's request.

It was hard to get used to the panties and tights. They felt strange. I admit at times they felt more comfortable and I loved the way the tights felt on my legs. I was just worried about what people would say. The panties were hidden of course under my clothes. It was harder to hide the tights, especially when I wore them with shorts. My dad thought they looked cute. I think my mom looked the other way. She most likely did not want an argument with Dad. I did not argue either. It was at this time I found out that Dad was very dominant. He seemed to have his ways and it was impossible to argue with him. Maybe that meant that I was very submissive. I had no clue what “submissive” meant at this age, I just did not want to cause problems. At times., it was easier to easy to go along with things.

My sister supported me and never gave me a bad time. She told me that I was not like other boys. In fact, I was beginning to look more and more like a girl. I did not know if this was an insult or not. I would have jumped on her and pinned her down except I knew she was stronger than me. I started crying. I do not know why this happened. My sister told me she was not teasing. She was worried about me. She told me that she did not want me to be teased by people who thought that I was a sissy or gay. I heard others talk about gay people. I did not understand what it meant. How could a boy fancy another boy? I did not fancy anyone yet, not even girls. Why would anyone call me gay when I did not fancy anyone?

My sister told me that it could help if I got my hair cut. This made me feel sick. I hated haircuts. Still, if it meant that people would not think that I was a girl or sissy, it would be worth it. When I told my mom that I needed a haircut, she smiled and told me that I needed one and she would tell Dad. Later Dad told me that he thought I could get my hair ends trimmed so that my hair would not be damaged. He did not think that I should have short hair. When I told Dad that people would think I am a girl or sissy. Dad looked frustrated when I said this and said, “You are who you are. Learn to embrace it and not worry what others think”. I had no clue what he meant by this. The result was that I still had hair that went down to my shoulders.

I do not know if dad was changing or not. I think I was old enough now to see how demanding he was. I also could see that my mom and others just did what he said. It was as if people did not want to make him mad. Maybe I was the same. I stopped saying no to Dad's request about doing a youtube video. He already bought the equipment so it was a bit hard to say no to it. I remember the first song I sang was called “tell me why”. I was surprised at the success of the video. Hundreds and thousands of people viewed it and I had a lot of subscribers. It was strange reading the comments. People thought I was very talented. This was a strange feeling. I did not think that I was so good. Comments could also be embarrassing. There were many that asked if I was a boy or a girl. Some would write things like “she is so talented”. It did not help that Dad did not use my real name. He gave me a stage name. I was known as “Pinky”

Dad was so happy with my success on youtube, that we did more videos. One day he bought me a present that was in a huge box. I was excited and for a moment thought that being on youtube could have its benefits. When I opened the box, it was a dollhouse. I did not say a word but thought that I was the only boy with a dollhouse. Dad thought that my silence meant that I was happy with the gift and told me to let my sister play with the dollhouse as well. She told him that she was too old. So here I was stuck with a dollhouse. The strange thing is beside my karaoke machine, the dollhouse was my favourite toy. I liked decorating it and I had my own family living there. My sister would remind me that I was beginning to look like a girl and play like a girl. I disagreed with her and told her the dollhouse was like a live version of the sims.

Dad told me that I was now 9 and should look my age, so he decided that we would go to the mall. I thought maybe he would buy me briefs. This was not the case. We went to a jewellery shop and dad told me that my ears would be pierced. He did not even ask me if I wanted my ears pierced. I was about to tell him that I heard at school that boys should only get one ear pierced. Getting two ears pierced meant something bad. I did not get a chance to say anything. The woman told Dad that he had a pretty daughter. I told her that I was a boy. This embarrassed the woman and things went quiet. Dad broke the silence and told me to be nice and told her it made him proud how she praised his child.

I do not think that my mom liked the earrings. At the same time, she asked Dad when he would stop. I did not understand what she meant by this. I did get the impression that she did not want to have an argument with my dad. My sister was a bit more honest. She told me she thinks it's fine I am girly and she would always love me. At the same time, she told me I needed the courage to say no to Dad if there was something I did not like. I had to learn to say no. If I was girly, it had to be something I wanted. I told my sister that I could say no. I do not know if this was true. She asked me did I want my ears pierced.

At school, I was not teased that much. People thought that I was girly. They knew about panties and tights. They could see I wore lots of pink and pastel colours. They could see my long hair. Now they could see my earrings. It was as if they accepted that I was girly and yet considered myself a boy. It also meant that I did not have friends. I do not think the teachers liked me either.

It is wrong to think that I was abused in some way. Mostly I did not care about being girly or boyish. While at times, it did bother me, I thought I had a great life. I loved singing and I was proud of the success I was having on youtube. The comments could be embarrassing, but I did like it when people thought that I was talented. When Dad asked if I would sing at a family party, I told him that I would. This was a big step for me. I was growing out of my shyness. I was getting older.

I did not consider myself a girl or a sissy. This was until one night that I heard my mom and Dad fighting.

The Pinky Confessions 3

There is a debate about transgender children. Should a Child be allowed to change gender? Some parents even allow their children to be drag kids! Should we allow this so the child is happy? Or is this just a form of child abuse?
You may know me as Pinky and read a lot about me. This is my story in my words.
A story of who I was, who I wanted to be, who others wanted me to be and who people thought I was

My sister and I were in my bedroom. She was brushing my hair and putting it in pigtails. She liked being a hairdresser and I thought that it was relaxing. We were silent as we could hear our parents fighting below.

“Why can he not be like any normal boy?” My mom asked
“He is not like other boys” My Dad responded.
“That is because you are pushing him to think he is a girl”
“This is not true. I am supporting him in his journey. Maybe you should do the same!”
“Our son did not ask for panties. He did not ask for the clothes he wears. He did not ask for earrings. He wanted short hair and was not even allowed this. Not once did he say that he felt like a girl. This is something you are trying to change him into.”
“I know Chrissy. I am not forcing anything upon my child. I am supporting Chrissy”
“You won't even call him your son! Maybe you should ask him what he wants. The problem is that people are afraid to defy you or discuss anything with you, because of your temper!”

My sister hugged me and told me that the argument was not my fault. I did not believe this. Of course, it was my fault. My parents were discussing me! They both were thinking that they were doing the best for me. It was strange that they were discussing if I wanted to be a girl or a boy. They could have asked me what I wanted. Then again, maybe this would not be so wise. If I had to answer them, then I would be in the middle of their fight. It would look like I was supporting one of them. Another problem is that I would not know what to answer. I did not want to be a girl. At the same time, I knew that I was girly. I could have said no to what Dad did, but I never protested and accepted it. I did not dare to protest. I also admit that I did like pastel colours and I did like my dollhouse!

The school was not as fun as it once was. I had no friends. The others considered me weird and strange. I was at first asked if I was a sissy, and after a while, everyone just called me sissy. When they saw the earrings, I was told that I was gay. I still did not understand what it meant to be gay besides you would want to marry a boy. I did not understand why they thought I would want to do that. Being called names was bad, but the worse was that I had no friends. I accepted that I was girly. I did not know why this made others afraid of me or why they thought it was strange. Maybe they were afraid it was a disease and they would get it.

One good thing about my life was the success I had on youtube. I did more videos where I would sing some songs. I liked ballads as that meant I could experiment with my voice a lot more. They also touched my heart. It was hard to believe that I had so many supporters and people that watched the videos. It was still embarrassing that they could not see if I was a boy or a girl.

Dad asked me if I wanted to sing a song at a New Year's party my family was having for extended family and friends. I told him that I would. I was proud of myself that I was no longer shy and did not mind singing for others. It helped that they would not be strangers. So when New Year's Eve came, I sang a few songs. The reaction was spectacular. They loved my performance. It took me a while to come back down to earth after it. When I performed, it was so special. It was an incredible feeling. I felt as if I had the audience and all their emotions in my hands. I felt as if I had the power to make people smile. It was as if my small performance made the world a better place to live in. It was so much fun that when Dad asked me if I wanted to perform again, I jumped with joy. Dad explained to me that the videos I did resulted in some wanting to see me live. Any money I would make would go into my special bank account.

I was beginning to understand how girly I was. I was not living as a girl or thought that I was one. I did not want to be a girl. There was one program on TV that Dad liked to watch with me. It was about men that had to dress up as drag queens. Dad would tell me how brave they were for finding their true self and how pretty they were. I smiled although deep inside I disagreed. I thought some of the men that dressed as drag queens were ugly. They did not look at all feminine. They did look as if they were having fun and that couldn't be bad. When I looked in the mirror, I could see why some people asked me if I looked like a girl. I did look like a girl! The problem is what would happen as I grew older? Would I look like one of the ugly drag queens when puberty hit? I know that would be in several years, but this TV show made me think about it.

It seemed as if Dad was influenced by the drag show on TV as well. He bought make-up for my sister and told her to let me use it as well. There was eye shadow, mascara, blushes, lipstick and different nail polishes. I had no intention of using make-up. It would make me look like a clown. I did watch my sister when she did it. She was quite good at it. She did not plaster it on her face. Dad kept on pressuring me when I was going to try using make-up. I would try to tell him that I did not want to. That did not stop Dad from asking over and over again. In the end, I just let my sister put a small bit of eye shadow on me, mascara and lipgloss. Dad told me that it made me look pretty.

My sister and I would now play with the make-up where she would paint my face with it. I did not wear it to school or outside the house. I would be teased even more if I did that. I grew to like wearing make-up at home. It was a special bond that I had with my sister. It also made me feel special. I do not know how to describe this. I suppose it made me feel older or something like that. It did occur to me that this only made me more girly. At the same time, I did not see a problem with it. It was my Dad's suggestion and as long as I did not wear make-up outside the house, it was fine.

This was not enough for Dad. One day he told me that we should talk. I still hated these talks.
“You are a special child,” he said, “You love performing. You have a chance to be a role model and influence the world. You have a chance to help many boys who are confused about their identity. You can help them and I will support you. In other words, I think it would be good that when you perform, you dress as a female pop star. You have the looks. It will be just like those men we saw in the TV drag show”

Dad wanted me to be a drag kid and even one in public. Was this even legal? What would I say to him?

The Pinky Confessions 4

There is a debate about transgender children. Should a Child be allowed to change gender? Some parents even allow their children to be drag kids! Should we allow this so the child is happy? Or is this just a form of child abuse?
You may know me as Pinky and read a lot about me. This is my story in my words.
A story of who I was, who I wanted to be, who others wanted me to be and who people thought I was

I liked the idea of performing for others. I was getting used to the attention that my youtube channel was getting and I loved performing for a live audience. The problem is that Dad suggested that I dressed as a girl when I performed. It was now obvious that he wanted me to be more of a girl than a boy. He now wanted the public to see me this way. I would not only be known as a sissy, but people would think I was a drag kid.

They would be right. I would be a drag kid! I would be a boy dressed as a girl with makeup on. I did not know if I wanted this. I did not know if this was what I wanted my identity to be.

I tried telling Dad that I was unsure that we should do this. I did not need a gimmick when I performed. People said that my voice was good enough. This must have been frustrating for Dad as he told me that he was just trying to support me. He knew I liked using makeup and he knew that I was girly. This made me get mad at him and tell him I wanted to be a boy. The girly things were fine to do as fun, but they did not define me. I should never have opened my mouth. Dad told me it was about time that I admitted my true feelings of how I felt and what I wanted to be.

My mom tried to defend me by asking Dad why he did not listen to me when I said I wanted to be a boy. I could nearly see steam coming out of Dad's ears. He was getting mad. Mom was getting mad. I was afraid that they would start arguing about me. I had to think quickly. I figured everyone thought I was already girly and it could not damage my reputation anymore. Maybe Dad knew me better than I knew myself. It could be that I was a sissy and should have been born a girl. What harm could it do to dress as a girl?

Dad seemed to be happy with my decision to be a drag kid. I must have misunderstood what he really wanted. I thought it would mean wearing a bit of makeup in public. I soon learned that this was not the case. Dad came home one day with a present one day. I was starting to get anxious every time he bought home a present. It was never anything I wanted but ended up accepting anyhow. This time was no different. Dad bought me a denim overall dress. Mum's only reaction was to roll her eyes when she saw it. I did not know what to say. This seemed a bit too extreme for me.

I just remained silent. Dad told me that If I liked it, I could wear my sister's old dresses and clothes until I got my own. I was not mad at Dad. I was mad at myself. I did agree to be a drag kid!

My sister did not understand me. She told me that I should not be so submissive. I should say no to the girly gifts that Dad got me. I should stop trying to make others happy and let them decide over me. The result would be that I would be living as a girl. Everyone already thought that I was a sissy. Now they would think I wanted to be a girl.

My Dad wanted to record a new video for youtube and Instagram. He also wanted me to wear a dress and some makeup. This would be my introduction as a drag kid. I was very reluctant to do this. At the same time, I could see that Dad was determined. I did not do what my sister advised me to do and stand up for myself. I convinced myself how bad this could be. This was despite that singing the song was hard to do. I could not concentrate as I was just thinking of how I looked and now the whole public would see me this way. When the video was done, Dad was very pleased. He told me that it would show people who I was and how I wanted to be seen. I did not answer him except by saying that I wanted to be alone.

The video went viral. I was getting as many views as the most famous pop stars. I was happy that people liked my voice and talent. It did worry me if people liked my talent or the way I looked. Some of the comments were about my talent. There were always lots of comments on previous videos if I was a boy or girl. In this video, the comments were that they always thought I girl and the latest video proved this. There were also replies from some at my school that replied saying that I was a boy but was the school sissy. This hurt a lot. It did surprise me that many people did not believe that I was a sissy. They thought I was a girl. This made me wonder why they could not see me as a boy. Did they see the same as Dad? I did not know what to think any longer or what to believe. Maybe I was supposed to be born a girl.

I was so confused.

My mom told me not to read the comments. It would just confuse me or make me sad. That was easy for her to say. Did she not realize that people were talking about me? It was no better at school? I was called sissy and weird. I would be asked if I wanted to be a girl or did I think I was one. Some would be very mean and ask me did I have a boy's body or if I was hiding the fact that I had a girl's body. For every day that went by and the teasing became worse. It quickly became bullying where people would call me names, say bad things about me and push and shove me. At times I was afraid for my life. I did not tell the teachers or my parents as being a snitch seemed much worse than being the school sissy and weird one.

I knew that my mom and sister were worried about me. They knew that I loved singing, but did not know if I was naturally feminine or just wanted to please my father. To be honest, as every day went by, this was becoming harder for me to answer. I was accepting the fact that I was no normal boy. I was very girly and I did not know if I liked it or not. It was just who I was. I began to think that Dad always knew this and just was doing his best to help me. He told me that he was very proud of me. This was not because I was a kind person that never hurt anyone or because I had a talent for singing. It was because no one thought that I looked like a boy anymore. Still, I did like the fact that Dad was proud of me.

My Dad told me one day that it was time to go shopping. We went to the mall and shopped for new clothes. It was the girl's section. I just looked at Dad as he looked at something and said how pretty it was. Before I knew it, he had a whole shopping cart full of clothes. None of the clothes was for boys. They were dresses, skirts, panties, tights, blouses, and t-shirts. shorts, leggings, sandals, mary-janes, boots and frilly socks. In fact, I had never seen so much lace or frills in my life. The Cashier looked so happy that we were buying so much. She told Dad that he had a lucky daughter. When we came home, Dad threw out every boy's clothes that I had. My mom just commented that she never knew that Dad would go this far. My sister told me after that I finally let Dad destroy my identity and make me his daughter.

We did more videos for social media and I was becoming very famous. Dad started to also get money for these videos. It did not make us rich but it meant that I was getting a lot of attention. Dad even thought that some record company would sign me and I would be the next Justin Bieber. I did not know if I wanted this. Doing the videos was fun and I did like that so many people viewed them. The comments confused me but it was mostly positive attention. Some newspapers and magazines even wrote about my success. The success seemed unreal. It seemed as if it was a dream. While I was the cause of so many problems in my family and was considered weird at school, people that never met me seemed to love me.

I wanted peace in my family. I did not want my mom or Dad to fight about me. I did not want my sister to think that I was some wimp. The last few months have been hard on my mind. It seemed as if everyone thought that I was a girl and I never heard anyone thinking I was a boy. The fact was that I was sure that this was the way that God wanted me to be. He planned on me being born as a girl, but the stork was drunk and gave me a boy's body. So just before my 10th birthday, I told my family that I considered myself a girl. I stressed this by saying that I was happy when I was a girl. I hoped that they would understand this. My mom did not say a word except sigh. My dad smiled and told me that he always knew this and was so proud that I could finally admit that I was a girl. He told my family and me that we should now consider me as a daughter and a sister.

I did it. I finally took the step and told the people I love that I was not a boy. I hoped this would stop any drama and we could live in peace again.

My sister visited my bedroom later and said, “I tried helping you. You let our father change who you are and brainwash you. I still love you and always will, but you have chosen what path to take. If you were honest with yourself, this would not be a path that you would have chosen if you were not manipulated.”

My 10th birthday came and Dad planned a special party for me. He called it a baptism party. My name was always Christopher and now I would be known as Chrissy. This would be the day that I would be officially recognised as a girl. The birthday party was a princess one with Ariel from the Little Mermaid. My mom and sister had smiles on their face. I was dressed in a wine-coloured petticoat dress with tights and Mary Janes. I did have a good time and it was nice that the family were not fighting. I thought that this was the start of a new happier life. I was by now used to thinking as a girl and everyone thought I was a girl. Maybe this baptism birthday would mean no more confusion or teasing.

I was naive, wasn't I?

Dad taped my whole baptism and birthday. He narrated on it that I was born a boy and I always felt as if being a boy was wrong. He talked about how I always felt like a girl and on my 10th birthday, I decided I would be officially a girl today. Dad explained that my family accepts I am a girl and still loves me. Then he gave a small speech that parents should accept and support their children when they are transgendered. Then he posted this on social media.

So now the whole world knew I was transgender. They were told that it was my choice and that my parents supported me. The reactions were mixed. Most people thought that I was brave and lucky to have such a supporting family. These people just wanted me to be happy. Some even said they wished they had this support from their families when they were my age. There were also some comments that I was too young to make this choice. They thought it was wrong and my parents should get me some help. It was these comments that made me sad. People were so quick to judge!

I was worried about what the school would think. I had time to think about this. Dad said that we were going to the Gay Pride Parade. I now knew what Gay meant. I tried telling Dad that I was not gay. I did not fancy boys. I did not fancy girls either. I did not want to be smoochy with anyone. How was I to convince Dad that I did not want to go on a Gay Pride Parade?

The Pinky Confessions 5

There is a debate about transgender children. Should a Child be allowed to change gender? Some parents even allow their children to be drag kids! Should we allow this so the child is happy? Or is this just a form of child abuse?
You may know me as Pinky and read a lot about me. This is my story in my words.
A story of who I was, who I wanted to be, who others wanted me to be and who people thought I was

I tried telling Dad that I was not gay and that If I was at a Gay Pride parade, then people would think that I was. My Dad explained that I was too young to fancy girls or boys and people would know this. The Gay Pride Parade was not only for gay people, it was for transgenders and non-binary people as well as people that thought freedom to express themselves was very important. Dad went on to tell me that as a transgender child myself, I could be a good role model for many boys that feel the same as me. I could give them the courage to change just as my family were role models on how a family should accept a child that was transgender. I did not know what to say. One thing is that I was now known as a transgender child, I experienced so much confusion and even being bullied. Now I would influence others to go through the same.

As before, I did what Dad wanted and I agreed to do the Gay Pride Parade. My Dad said he would do a costume. We had to make it ourselves as mom wanted nothing to do with it. The costume would be a pink leotard with a long rainbow tutu. I would be wearing beads and bracelets as well as my earrings. My hair would be dyed pink with a sort of hairspray. When I looked in the mirror, I did not know if I looked like a clown or a girl. One could definitely see that I was a drag kid. I did not complain. My sister did enough of that for me. She asked me why I let our Dad dress me up as a doll. At times, I thought my sister was jealous that she did not get so much attention. I did not tell her this. I just defended myself by saying that this is what people wore to the parade.

One thing I will say about the parade. It was very colourful. There was every colour of the rainbow. I was nervous at the start. I was afraid of what people would think about me. I did not want any negative comments. This did not happen. Everyone was in such a good mood and there was a great atmosphere. There were other children there that were dressed in rainbow colours, although they were not dressed as drag kids. I never experienced such a friendly atmosphere. People accepted each other and did not mind how they were dressed or if they were gay or not. People smiled and were giving each other hugs. I even started to dance as I walked, doing my version of vogue dancing.

I was happy that my dad suggested the gay pride parade. I did not understand the political side of it and did not care about LGBT rights. It was just nice and everyone was so friendly. My dad put a video of me dancing as I walked on social media. Like every other video, it got mixed comments. I did not expect that the media would have taken pictures of me. I was even on the news on TV. Soon people were making videos about me on social media telling what they thought of a 10-year-old dressed in drag. The majority of comments were extremely negative. I was called a victim and my parents were accused of using me as a pawn in their political beliefs. People thought I was too young to dress as a girl or to decide I was transgender. They thought it was child abuse.

The negative reaction was hard to cope with. There were so many people that had an opinion of me. They thought that I was a victim. They did not know me or my family and it confused me how they could judge so harshly. My Mom was frustrated as she said she now had a son that was now famous for being a drag kid. She thought that this was nothing to be proud of. My Dad was also mad about the negative comments. He was right when he said he was puzzled how this was on the news on TV, and why newspapers and radio discussed me so much. He was mad that some people on social media talked about how ethical it was that boys should be dressed in drag or were transgendered. To me, it seemed as if the love, friendship and good spirit I experienced at the gay pride parade disappeared.

Things became so bad at school after all this attention. If the others thought that I was weird before, now they thought that now I was famous for being weird. The whole world thought I was a sissy and the bullies at school thought that this gave them a right to be mean to me. Our teacher noticed this day and decided that she would talk about me.

“Chrissy was born as a boy,” she told the class, “We all know that Chrissy had shown signs that he thought that being a boy was wrong. Chrissy has always acted like a girl. This must be hard for Chrissy and it has taken years for him to accept that he was a girl. To make things worse, Chrissy is well known on social media for his singing talents and now after he was in a parade, he has received a lot of attention. Let's all forget what the media and social media commenters are saying. What matters is what we say and how we treat Chrissy. The fact is there are many children that feel they were born in the wrong body, and should have been born the opposite gender. There are many boys that are feminine and girls that are tomboys. This should not matter. What should matter is if a person has a good heart and makes the world a better place to be in. Being transgender does not mean that Chrissy is gay. Chrissy deserves everyone's acceptance and respect, as well as friendship.”

I slumped down in my chair as she was talking about me. I thought it was nice what she said but could not help not notice she called me “he”. This was so strange, as I was now so used to my family calling me “she”. I could not believe that she also talked about being gay.

The teacher's speech did not make the others think any better of me. They still called me weird and a sissy. I was now also being called gay a lot more. They would call me all the rude names associated with being gay and rude things that they thought gay people did. I was shocked at the things that they said. I knew that I did not want to fancy anyone. I was not gay. I did not want any type of romance. I figured that would come as I got older. I denied that I was gay. This only made the teasing and bullying worse. I had absolutely no friends. The other boys were afraid to be seen with me. All this meant that I was an outsider at school and I held my head low and tried to hide when I was at school. I did not speak with anyone and tried not to let the bullying and teasing destroy my spirit.

Things were much better at home. Dad was proud of me and my parents no longer fought. It seemed as if mom decided that her protests ended nowhere. My sister still loved me and would at times worry if being transgender was something I wanted. Despite that she could be annoying, I loved my sister. She just wanted me to be happy. At home, I was a daughter and a sister and to be honest, it was not a big thing for me. As time went by, I did not think if I was wearing a dress or not. I did not think about if I now looked and lived as a girl. It helped that I accepted that I was different. I even liked when people thought that I was pretty. One of the things that I loved is when my sister and I would play dress-up and use make-up. I especially liked eye shadow. It was so fun experimenting with colours and how my eyes should look.

The thing was that despite the hell I experienced at school or negative comments from people I did not even know, I did my best to be happy and I did consider myself happy. I was lucky to have the family that I had. It was a shame that so many that did not know me did not understand me.

The mobbing and bullying became much worse as it was now online as well. The worse experience was when my family went swimming. I was wearing a nice one-piece swimming suit that was light yellow and had a fish with a tiara on it. My Dad posted a video of us swimming on social media. The comments were hateful. Many could see that I had a boy's body. This was embarrassing that so many were talking about my body. It was not just me that was being mobbed on social media. It was also my parents. Once again they were criticised for not being good parents and allowing me to be something I was not. This was especially hard on my mother. She did not like that she was accused of child abuse and screwing with my mind. This made it hard for me, It was hard to see my mother so sad and at times nearly in tears. It made me think that it was all my fault that I was different. I did not know how to solve it.

Dad was more positive about things. He told us not to take the negativity seriously. This was hard to do. I do not think that he did this himself. Dad started making videos of me being transgender. He would tell me what I should say in these videos. Usually, I admitted that I was born as a boy but thought I was a girl. I would tell that it was my own choice and that I was grateful that my family supported me. The videos also had me saying that my parents were great and it was not child abuse that they were allowing me to be the gender that I wanted to be. Once I told them that there was nothing sexual about being a trans child or a drag kid. I did not really understand what I meant by this, but Dad suggested that I said it. One thing I did enjoy saying was that it was wrong for anyone to bully a child.

These videos were watched by many and shared. They did not stop the negative comments, but Dad said at least we had our say. Besides the videos where I sang songs, these transgender videos made me famous. It meant that my identity was now being a transgender child. This gave me a lot of responsibility Dad said. As I was probably the most known transgendered child in the world, I was told that I was a role model and an unofficial spokesperson for other transgender children. I had an opportunity to inspire other children to be the gender they felt that they were. This was something that I did not want. Why would I want anyone my age to go through many things that I went through? I did not want people to think of me as transgendered as the first thing when they thought of me. Why could they not see me as a child that wanted to have a good heart and live a normal life?

My Dad could see the confusion and how this fame affected me. He told me that I would be going on a playdate. So we drove to the other side of the city where I would meet a girl my age. I was asking Dad a lot of questions. Why were we visiting a girl I did not know? How did Dad know her? Was she a fan? Did she know I was transgendered?

As we drove, Dad smiled and answered that I was not alone.

The Pinky Confessions 6

There is a debate about transgender children. Should a Child be allowed to change gender? Some parents even allow their children to be drag kids! Should we allow this so the child is happy? Or is this just a form of child abuse?
You may know me as Pinky and read a lot about me. This is my story in my words.
A story of who I was, who I wanted to be, who others wanted me to be and who people thought I was

I was quite afraid and shy about meeting a girl my age. I did not have friends and it seemed as if children my age thought that I was weird and could even corrupt them. Now I was going to meet a girl my own age. This was one of dads great ideas that I knew that I should have said no to, and yet here I was on my way to visit someone who would probably hate me. I knew I had to learn how to say no to Dad. I had to learn not to be afraid of his domination and temper. This would just not happen yet.

When I first saw the girl, I was amazed. She was so pretty and she had the most beautiful smile on her face. Her name was Erin. While my Dad and her mother went to the kitchen, Erin invited me to her bedroom. It was a princess bedroom and had a lot of teddy bears and toys. We sat down and started talking. She was one of my followers on social media and loved the songs that I did. She also thought that I was very brave for being transgendered. I was surprised that she was so friendly to me. This was until she told me her story. Erin was born a boy just like me. At an early age, she knew that she was born in the wrong body and wanted to be a girl. Her mother supported this, but when Erin started living as a girl, her Dad left. Another problem was that Erin was bullied at school. Her mom enrolled her in a private school because things became so bad. Despite all the problems she had, she was happy that she was now a girl.

This was a strange experience. I met a person that was like me. I met someone that was the same age as me that spoke with me and was friendly. We talked about being a girl in the wrong body. She talked about how happy she was at the private school. She was accepted and had some good friends. Erin was very interested in my singing. I explained that it had nothing to tell the world that I was transgender. I just had fun singing. It was like an escape where I could enter my own world. The people that liked the songs made it even better. I told her that I loved singing live but Dad was more interested in the drag outfit than the song choices. This made me worry if I was popular on social media for my singing talent or the fact that I was transgender.

Now I had a good friend for the first time in my life. This was something I had to get used to. I did not have to hide from Erin and we could tell each other our deepest feelings for each other. It was a shame that she lived so far away. This did not stop us from speaking on the phone every day or texting with each other.

A few days later, Dad was excited. He told us that he had given an interview on a talk show and we should all watch it as a family. The interview started with Dad talking about our family. He loved his wife and my sister. Dad thought that we were the best family in the world. He philosophized that parents should get to know their children and let them be themselves. That led him to speak about me. Dad could see that I was a talented singer and he did his best to support this and be my manager so that I could live my dream. He also told the TC host about my journey to realizing that I should have been born a girl. Dad boasted that my parents supported me and I was so happy now being a daughter, a sister and a girl. The problem was that some people could not see my talent as a singer, but there was so much discussion about a boy thinking he was a girl or dressing and living as a girl.

The interviewer asked if my Dad did not cause so much attention to my identity by posting so many videos on social media about my journey to girlhood and preaching videos on how we should support transgender children and let them be the gender they want to be. It looked as if Dad was going to lose his temper. After some silence, he told the world that when he was a child he liked dressing up in his sister's clothes. He even had an invisible friend because he felt so alone in his wish to dress in girl clothes. Dad's parents caught him one day wearing his sister's dress. They got very mad and told him that it was so wrong and that it was a sin for a boy to dress as a girl. His parents then made him do activities that would man him up. Dad never wore a dress after that and was very bitter to this day. My sister gave me one of her looks as she sighed. Later in my room, she told me now that she know why Dad supported me so much.

I did not have so much time to think about this. I was invited to perform at a drag convention. My Dad had a perfect costume for me. He was going to dress me as Madonna once did with pointed cones. When I looked in the mirror, I felt so ridiculous. I was afraid that I would poke someone's eye out. My mum was mad when she saw me. She said no 10-year-old should be dressed like that! My Dad did not listen as he knew what he was doing.

I nearly refused to go to the convention. However, when I saw what the people in drag were dressed like, I figured I was not so strange. I went along with it and sang some of Madonna’s songs. I quickly forgot how I looked and was consumed by the live performance. Once again, I was in my own world where I could sing my heart out. When I was done, the audience loved me. I loved this attention and did not want to get off the stage.

While the audience loved me, the media did not. I was criticized for being at a convention where only adults should be. I was criticized for being sexualized and this was a bad example for other children. My mom and sister took this negative coverage very badly. My dad did not care and said that there will always be haters. When I spoke with Erin on the telephone, I started to cry in desperation.

“Why does everyone hate me?” I cried, “Why did Dad think that this was a good idea? Why can I never say no to him? I did not want to go there! I did not want to dress like that! Now everyone hates me!”

Erin told me it will blow over. She also told me that I should learn a lesson from all this. I should be the person that I wanted to be and dress the way that made me happy. I was still a child and should not dress like an adult. I knew that Erin was right. I vowed to myself that I would never make this mistake again. The thing was that I was not allowed to forget this. I did not think that it could be worse at school, but it did become worse. I found out that parents warned their children not to be around me, as I was a bad influence. The names that I was called became much worse. They were names that I never heard but quickly found out what they meant. I think that the worse thing was that I was beaten up. This made me worry about my life. It was also hard to see my mom break down and cry when she had to pick me up at the school nurse.

I stayed home after this for a few days. A woman from child welfare came. She was very worried about how my parents were treating me. While Dad once again explained how much they supported me during my transition from being a boy to being transgendered. The lady said that this was fine, but she was worried about my performance at the drag convention and what I was wearing. She did not think it was appropriate and it made her think that I was forced to do it. While she was talking, I could see that mom looked very worried. It made me think that child services would take me away and I would be in some child's home. This thought made me shiver with fear. I interrupted the lady and said, “I am a girl. I may have been born in a boy's body, but I am a girl. My parents and sister have supported me all the way. I am very happy. It was my ideal to perform at that place and dress as Madonna. I did not think of the consequences or what others may think. For me, it was just a bit of fun. My mom and dad told me that I have to listen to them and not just always do what I want. I know that I will not dress like this again or perform at such a place. I do not want to be taken from my parents.”

Not totally the truth, was it?

The social worker would not take any action and admitted that we can all make mistakes. She could see that we were a loving family. She advised that I should see someone who could help me with my identity. When she left, Dad was mad and said that I did not need a shrink. My mom told him to be quiet. She told him that everyone thought that I was being forced to do things. Everyone was shocked at the way I dressed. Mom thought they were right in a way. She thought that it was fine that I was transgendered, but no 10-year-old should act like a drag queen and hang out with them. To make things worse, she told dad that I was bullied at school and had no friends whatsoever. She told everyone that I was now going to a private school where I would not be traumatised. Dad had no choice but to agree.

So I was sent to the same school as Erin. I was so happy to get out of the old school and start at a new school. I would be with my best friend every day. I did not mind that it took a long time to travel to and from school every day. I was not bullied and started making new friends. The others did not care that I was transgender or well-known on social media. They thought that I was nice and that was all that mattered. They did call me pinky or Pinkster. I did not mind this. It was a nickname that was given of affection and acceptance. I remembered the first day that I came home from school, I gave my mom a huge hug and thanked her.

While it seemed that everyone had learned a lesson, it was obvious that Dad did not. One day he picked me up at school and told me that I had to go to the doctor. I did not understand as I was not sick. When we were at the doctor's, the doctor told me that I would be getting a puberty blocker injection. I had no clue what he was talking about. I just stared at the huge needle while he explained that it would help me not experience puberty as a boy. I would get a shot every so often. On top of this, I would get some tablets that will give me some hormones that a girl should have. The shot hurt a lot. It was only after that I thought about what it all meant. I would start looking less like a boy and more like a girl! I am not sure that I even wanted this.

On the way home, my Dad warned me not to tell mom about the shot or the tablets. She would not understand.

I just nodded my head and looked out the car window. I hated keeping secrets from my mother. Maybe Dad was right that she would not understand. I did not understand either.

The Pinky Confessions 7

There is a debate about transgender children. Should a Child be allowed to change gender? Some parents even allow their children to be drag kids! Should we allow this so the child is happy? Or is this just a form of child abuse?
You may know me as Pinky and read a lot about me. This is my story in my words.
A story of who I was, who I wanted to be, who others wanted me to be and who people thought I was

I was now getting shots and tablets that will stop my body become boyish. Erin also got these. We did not talk much about it except that the shots hurt. Erin was excited that he was under this treatment as she was always afraid of puberty and how it would make her look less feminine. I did not know what to think. The hardest for me was keeping it a secret from my mother. It made me feel as if I was doing something wrong. Should a mother not know what treatment her child was getting? Why did dad not want to tell her?

Dad told me that he had good news. A famous drag queen wanted me to be in their latest music video. I asked Dad if that was a smart idea. After all, there was a huge controversy when I performed at the drag convention. Dad responded that this was a good opportunity. I did not debate this. Once again, Dad would get what he wanted and I would not say no. Doing the video was fun. I was dressed in a white dress that Maralyn Monroe had on ages ago. I wore a wig and make-up. My job was not that easy. The video showed me as a boy in front of the mirror, and then I dressed up and started to dance in front of the mirror and dance. There were many retakes during the video. The director wanted a perfect video, and let's face it, I was not a good dancer!

Of course, the video got mixed reactions. I was accused of promoting cross-dressing and trying to confuse boys across the world. Some people thought that I was corrupting boys my age by turning them into gay boys. This confused me as I was quite sure that I was not gay. All this meant that being at school was now a refuge for me. The others did not care whether I was transgender or not. They did not care what the newspapers said about me. They did not care what my latest performance was on social media. They did not put a tag on me. It was one of the school’s policies. “Everyone is different, there is nothing that is normal. We should respect and understand each other as individuals.” This atmosphere made me feel safe and accepted for what was inside me and not just the way I looked.

I had a performance at the local mall. I wore a denim shirt with tights and sandals, as well as makeup and glitter. I thought I looked pretty. The crowd seemed hostile at the start. It was as if they came to see the controversial sissy boy. I was very nervous but managed to concentrate on singing. Slowly, the crowd grew and people were having fun. They were cheering and clapping as well as dancing. This made me relax. I was once again having fun and doing what I loved the best. While I singing, I could see Erin in the audience. I tried my best to forget everyone else and just sing for my best friend. After the performance was over, Erin gave me a huge hug and told me I was blessed with my voice. It was nice that he talked about my talent and not how I looked.

Mom and Dad have been arguing more and more. This started after the drag show convention controversy. Dad also started putting a lot more videos on social media explaining why I was born a boy and now lived as a girl. He spent a lot of time defending it and telling people to be more tolerant. This annoyed mom. She thought that Dad was using me as a pawn for his own agenda. He was not allowed to wear dresses when he was a child, so he made sure that I wore them. I did not like when mom and Dad fought. It did make me think of what my mom was saying.

The next big thing that happened to me was that I was invited to the LGBT awards. I still was unsure what LGBT meant. I guessed it had something to do with being gay or transgender or other things that people did not think were normal. I do not know why they invited me. I was transgender but was not gay. I did not want people to think of the word transgender as the first thing they thought of me. I would hope they could see other aspects of me. Still, my Dad told me that it was an honour to be invited to the awards. So I went dressed in drag once again. I got an award for being a good influence on other children. I was supposed to give a speech. I did not know what to say, except to thank everyone. Dad was not satisfied with this. On the way home, he told me that I could have said more. I missed a golden opportunity.

When we came home, we found that my sister and mom were gone. There was a note explaining that my mom could not deal with it anymore. She wrote in a letter;

“When I saw them presenting OUR SON at the LGBT awards, I was embarrassed. I decided I could not do this anymore. Is our son a good example for other children? I accept that he may be transgender, but let him be the little girl that he should be. Let it be his choice. Since he was small, he was groomed by his Dad into believing that he was born in the wrong body. How much of this is Chrissy’s wish to be a girl or his wish to please his father? Being a 10-year-old girl is one thing, but dressing him in drag is another thing. Is it right that he should look like an adult or some sort of clown? Let him enjoy his childhood. As parents, we have a lot to answer for. I will no longer be part of this grooming and manipulation.”

I could not stop crying. My mom left and she took my sister. Why did she not take me? Why did she not ask me if I wanted to come? This was a major change in my life. Dad changed as well. He was now more like a manager than my father. I started doing a lot more live performances. I even had to do one on my 11th birthday. The thing was that I was not happy. Dad was more worried about how feminine I looked rather than what I sang or how I sang. When I did sing, I concentrated on the songs and how I performed. This is when I was happy.

I tried telling Dad that I was not happy. I did not want to be a spokesperson for being transgender or a drag kid. I wanted people to see me for the person that I was. If I considered myself a girl, this was only part of it. Dad would get upset and tell me to stop whining. He told me that I was always a girl. This confused me. I by now identified myself as a girl and did not remember that I was once a boy. In my memory, I was always a girl. I just had the wrong body. Dad's answers confused me and we never discussed being a role model or spokesperson again. Besides I was so confused about my role in this world, I also knew that it was a waste of time trying to discuss anything with Dad.

Shortly after my birthday, Dad told me that some famous YouTuber wanted to interview me. So the idea was that he would interview me live over cam on the computer. Before the interview, my Dad told me that he did not want me to be shy or sad when I was being interviewed. He gave me a tablet and told me that it would calm me down. The tablet worked very well. I was suddenly very giggly and in a great mood. It was as if I was on a pink cloud. I do not remember anything about the interview, except that I had a huge headache later that day and slept a lot.

A few days later, I saw the interview on youtube. It was so embarrassing. It was easy to see that I was very giddy. I could not sit and kept fidgeting around in the chair. My words were even slurred. I told the interviewer that I was a girl and if people could not accept this, then they could stuff it. I said that I loved everything pink and pretty clothes. It surprised me when I heard myself say that I missed my mother. My Dad was not mentioned. He most likely did not like that. I finished off by saying that it was important that everyone loved themselves and were the person they wanted to be. Children my age should not pay attention to how the media told us how we should look. We needed to find our own identity. While I was proud of myself for saying this, most of the comments were about if I was drugged or not or how bad of an influence I was on others.

I did get support at school. Erin told me that she was so proud of me. The media told us that we should all be skinny and have clear skin or perfect hair or wear certain labelled clothes. We should all look like the Kardashians, and if that did not work we could photoshop pictures or when we were old enough, we could get plastic surgeries.

I was still getting hormones and puberty blockers. The only thing I really noticed was that my chest was developing. This was the same for Erin. She was very proud of how she was changing. Dad was not satisfied. He told me that it was time that we planned on getting an operation that would get rid of my boy's body. I was of course too young to do it yet, but it was something that I could look forward to. When I was told this, then I was speechless. This was something that I did not want to even think about. Once again, I was confused. If I considered myself a girl, then why would I not want to get rid of the body I had?

I told Erin about what Dad said. Erin did not smile when I said this. Instead, she told me to make sure that it was my decision. Then Erin said something that surprised me, “I am a girl and love being a girl. I am not so sure that you do. Sometimes I think you are a girl because everyone says or thinks that you are one. At some stage, you have to follow the same advice you gave in that interview. You have to decide what your identity is and who you are!”

I hate being confused.

When I visited mom after, I told her and my sister how confused I have because and Dad's plans. My mom hugged me and told me that we should look at some old pictures. I was engrossed in the old pictures. It was clear that I was once a boy. I looked so happy and it seemed as if I was having fun. As my mother flipped the pages, I could see that I started looking more and more like a girl until I was a girl. My sister asked me if I forgot that I was once a boy. I nodded my head and started crying. Suddenly the memories came back to me of how I never wanted to be a girl, but slowly accepted that I was a girl

“You always had a problem saying no to Dad,” my sister said

“We will also love you” my mom added. “What is important is that you are happy. It does not matter if you are a boy or a girl. What matters is that you dress and act the way that makes you happy. Do not let Dad, me or anyone decide who you should be. You may be gender fluid. Who cares? Listen to your heart and be the person you want to be!”

When I went home I told Dad that I saw old pictures of me and I knew that I was happy as a boy. Then I asked him if he would love me the same if I decided that I was a boy and wanted to live as a boy. My Dad was frustrated and told me that I was a girl. He told me that we had no time to discuss this. I was invited to another drag party where I was to perform. I did not need to discuss this with my Dad. I now knew the answer. He did not want me to be a boy. He wanted me to be a girl.

I was once again dressed in a gown with a wig and make-up and false eyelashes. It was hard for me to perform. There was suddenly so much going through my head. It was as if my body was churning and I felt an anger growing and growing in me. The audience did not notice this. They were partying as I was singing. Half ways during a song, I stopped and tore off my wig. There was silence and people just looked at me. I told them that “this is not me” and walked off the stage.

Dad was mad when we got home. He kept on telling me what I did was unacceptable. I walked by him and started packing my clothes. Dad tried to continue telling me what he thought. I picked up my bag and told him that I did not care what he thought. I was not a girl or transgender. I also decided that I wanted to live with my mom.

Epilogue:

I now live with my mom and sister. I am no longer transgender. I am not really a boy or a girl. It's more as if I am gender-fluid. I do not like short hair. It also wore what I wanted to wear. One day it could be very boyish and another day it could be very girly. I no longer dressed in drag although I still used eye makeup and lipgloss. I did not perform but continued doing songs on social media. The important thing was that I still went to the same school and was best friends with Erin. All in all, I was happy. My mom, sister and I were happy and our home was a home of love and support.

As for Dad, we did not speak with each other and who knows if we ever will. I could see where he manipulated me and made me into something he wished he was as a child. For now, it was important that I was not bitter and could one day forgive my father….

… and I had to forgive myself.

The End