Previously

But even as I had fallen into hopeless sobbing I felt her hand touch my face. The face she had wondered about when we first talked about the woman she had somehow unknowingly married all those years ago.

Even as her countenance was fading, she kissed my cheek and laughed softly. before simply saying,

"In a lifetime"

---

---

I remember you-ooh
You're the one who made my dreams come true
A few kisses ago

Mid-80s... At a housewarming for a friend...

It was raining, and I walked into the home. I had the vague feeling that we sometimes get. Had I been here before? Either way, I noticed the festivities had mostly come and gone during my protracted late arrival. Nearly everyone was in the kitchen. Several of the ladies waved but remained with their erstwhile escorts. Even church activities have a certain protocol of sorts, and being single and unattached left me feeling lonely in a house filled with people.

"Hello," her voice came from the archway into the now-empty dining room. I remembered her from her occasional visits to the home of mutual friends.

"Hi," I said but stood back; afraid. She walked over to me and grabbed my hand; leading me to a wide couch in the living room. I wanted to run. The familiar was crashing hard into the new as old memories fought to reassert themselves. She noticed my unease and patted the cushion next to her.

"Are you okay?" She smiled. I wasn't okay. Not back in my real life at that time or in this ethereal rearrangement. I smoothed my skirt and sat down. My skirt? Mid-calf chaste denim? I started to shake slightly.

"Nancy told me you'd been going through a hard time since your break up." It would have felt like a cruel pick-up line but for the sympathetic half-frown.

"I..." A terrific re-imagining of a simply awkward moment, but with even more hesitation than I had remembered. Divorce is perfectly horrible in the narrow context of being an evangelical divorcee. But being estranged would take on a completely new level of awkwardness as she asked/opined...

"Was he...is he?" The implications were already heading in the wrong direction, but in this world they careened headlong into shame.

"Not...not a he." I put my hand to my face.

"Oh..." she began.

"Please? Nobody but Nancy knows. I...Cara and I were together for ten years."

"I had two friends I shared an apartment with... I never asked, but when we all moved on, they moved in." She said it matter-of-factly without a hint of emotion. I kept my hand in front of my face.

"Hey... I have a cousin...he lives in the city. Girls like my roomies? Knowing them helped me realize just how much I still needed to love people." It was almost like a dream. It was a dream but for the very familiar welcoming tears in her eyes. Could they welcome even more?

"I... I know ." She smiled even as those very-same eyes scanned me up and down. My own gaze dropped below; viewing whom or rather what had not changed. She pulled my hand from my face.

"No one told me. I guess some might say God told me, but I suppose it's just how I can figure things out sometimes." The awkwardness was turning to shame. Well, I had asked for this, hadn't I? Going back in time, but now as the person I had imagined myself becoming since I was five? Being Andrea on paper or behind an avatar online is one thing, but going back for a do-over is another thing entirely.

"We... Cara knew. And yes that was part of it, but the truth is I was horrible... too many things in my past steered me into being inflexible out of fear, and she ended up with the brunt of my frustration." I looked up and noticed that everyone in the kitchen was still talking. Even so, I failed in avoiding the tears that flowed down my face. She touched my cheek gently before grabbing both of my hands in hers.

"It's okay, Andrea. really." She rubbed the top of my hands softly with her thumbs.

How did this version of her recall my name?

"I..." I had barely gotten that out when she took my right hand in both of hers. Looking up, she scanned the doorway before nodding an almost 'all-clear" signal. She kissed the palm of my hand. It might at one time in another future have been sensual, but looking into those tear-filled eyes, I beheld in the dream what I had already come to know in real life. That there and the, and in my past, and in my future, somehow I beheld the single-most kindest person I would ever know.

"It's okay... I know this doesn't...." she choked back a sob.

"It's gods way of letting me...letting us pretend what would have been..." She almost chuckled. The dream was so very precious, but somehow this glimpse was enough to recall that, no matter what life Andrea never got a chance to lead, it was this person in front of her who made the life she did live, lead it beautifully.

"I love you," she said; almost incongruous until I realized it wasn't her post-departure self but rather her in 1984.

"Me...me too."

I remember you-ooh
You're the one who said "I love you, too"
Yes, I do, didn'tcha know?

"I'm sorry, but I have to go," A gentle way of leaving; even as she spoke things became hazy and she seemed to be vanishing. And I was vanishing. Once again I began to weep. She touched my face and said at last,

"In a lifetime ."

When my life is through
And the angels ask me to recall
The thrill of it all
Then I will tell them I remember, tell them I remember
Tell them I remember you

Next: Just in Time

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I Remember You
words and music by
Victor Schertzinger and Johnny Mercer
as performed by
Doris Day

Previously

"I love you," she said; almost incongruously until I realized it wasn't her post-departure self but rather her in 1984.

"Me...me too."

I remember you-ooh
You're the one who said "I love you, too"
Yes, I do, didn'tcha know?

"I'm sorry, but I have to go," A gentle way of leaving; even as she spoke things became hazy and she seemed to be vanishing. And I was vanishing. Once again I began to weep. She touched my face and said at last,

"In a lifetime ."

Just in time
I found you just in time
Before you came, my time
Was running low

I was lost
The losing dice were tossed
My bridges all were crossed
Nowhere to go

---

---

A warm, sunny Saturday in a park in late May…

“I can’t believe this actually happening,” I said with an awkward shrug.

“Well…it’s not really happening, is it?” she mused as she took another bite of quiche. I frowned as I looked over at the other gazebo. Festive wedding guests were completely oblivious that they were attending an almost other-worldly celebration.

“Caryn told me she was happy for us.” Caryn’s husband Danny had conniptions the first go around in the real world knowing that I had been divorced. But here… sitting here… Two brides? Double ostracism? He saw me and waved almost apologetically. Here and back on earth so to speak, Caryn was slowly helping him to come around.

“I’m so glad…”she smiled and used her hand in a broad gesture to indicate the festivities. Imagine a church filled with people who would keel over collectively in realization that they were part of a same-sex wedding. I can muse about that here, but back then..in our… heavenly excursion. But In the midst of the new version, I was still filled with shame. Brides…even bogus ones cry at their own wedding, don’t they?

“I am glad, babe. You know we never talke4d a lot at the beginning and after the…you know?”

“Your death?” I winced at my own words. As wonderful as the reimagination had lifted me, the cold reality...the eventual return to reality…

“I’m here an you’re all mine. Sweetie? I knew when we met…we’d be together.”

“I…I had this…it was like god told me that, bu I couldn’t believe it. Why I took so long to say yes.” She paused and smiled wryly.

“But this?” she used her hand to geture up and down at my dress.

“There was something about you that was…”

“Girly?” My question would have sounded light-hearted but for my stupid, ever-present weepy affect.

“So? I finally figured out why you have better fashion sense than me.” I cringed.

“Stop it.” You took that test… the one that said you were fify-fifty? Remember what I said just weeks before…”

“You said as long as I was still your husband,” I bowed my head. Our guests seemed to have wandered off to another part of the park.

“But I’m happy you’re my wife, too.”

Now you're here, now I know just where I'm going
No more doubt or fears I've found my way
For love came just in time
You found me just in time
And changed my lonely life that lucky day

“You seem to think I got the poor side of the bargain. I was living with my grandparents and working two nursing jobs. You can’t know…well you can because I’m telling you… You rescued me as much as I rescued you. And yes, darling, that includes this part of you, even if she only just arrived.

“You can’t mean that,” I argued.

“I have never,, I have NEVER lied to you! You’re the one who woke up to the scent of roses and lilies. My favorite flowers which I never told you about until after... I’m very happy with this,” she nodded and pointed again to my dress.

I was the one who was lost, hun,” I said. It was getting to be more than a little confusing. Thirty some-odd years on terra firma only to realize at least a small rendezvous of clarification.
Twobrides all along?

"You have been as human as they come, babe. And you have always been just what I needed. I’m not sorry so much about not meeting this part of the girl I sorta married as I am saddened that you never really knew how much I accepted you. This may be the best we’ll ever do, bu I can’t think of a better way to segue into eternity than to be with my girl…my wife.

And of course my default response for everything kicked in and I began to cry.

“Oh no you don’t. At least until have my say. Give us a kiss?” She didn’t wait for a replay, and eternity didn’t either as she kissed me.

I sighed in the midst of maybe the second or third most blessed moment in my life as we both hugged as ferociously as two lovers can do even as we began to fade.

“NO!” It wasn’t fair! There was no calm assurance that our times together would continue. This time her disappointed tears mirrored my own, but the growing smile on her face belied the mood. She squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek before saying yet again,

“In a lifetime.”

Now you're here, now I know just where I'm going
No more doubt or fears I've found my way
For love came just in time
You found me just in time
And changed my lonely life that lucky day

Next: I'm Always Chasing Rainbows

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Just in Time
words and music by
Adolph Green, Betty Comden, Jule Styne
as sung by the incomparable
Miss Peggy Lee

Previously

I sighed in the midst of maybe the second or third most blessed moment in my life as we both hugged as ferociously as two lovers can do even as we began to fade.

“NO!” It wasn’t fair! There was no calm assurance that our times together would continue. This time her disappointed tears mirrored my own, but the growing smile on her face belied the mood. She squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek before saying yet again,

“In a lifetime.”

Now you're here, now I know just where I'm going
No more doubt or fears I've found my way
For love came just in time
You found me just in time
And changed my lonely life that lucky day

---

---

At the end of the rainbow there's happiness,
And to find it often I've tried,
But my life is a race, just a wild goose chase,
And my dreams have all been denied.
Why have I always been a failure?
What can the reason be?

London, 1918...

"Anne? Are you okay?" Of course, she wasn't okay. Four years of working in a hospital attending to the maimed cannon fodder of yet another pointless war. Young men whose lives were destroyed with only lines on redrawn maps reflecting the cruelty without care or hope.

"It's..." She tried with no success to hold back the cascade of tears. If anyone wore her heart on her sleeve it was Sister Nurse Annie McDougal. I felt completely helpless and worse. Her sacrifice and the lives of her charges shamed me.

"They will never be the same," I opined. No one would be the same. My lack of sacrifice was magnified as I stood next to her compassion. And of course, like some of us who managed to take refuge against the horror by...by pretending to be whom and what I wasn't? I took all I could to keep from breaking down. So what? In an alleyway behind our row of flats attending to laundry. Was that really all I was good for? She touched my arm.

"I...I just learned that my cousin..." She looked off as if she could see all the way to France. Of course, that only fueled the shame I felt.

"No, don't," she said, touching my cheek.

"My brothers, thank heavens, were too young. What if you did go? We would never... " She eyed me up and down, bringing even further rebuke to what I had become.

"I...I am so sorry." I bowed my head.

"Why? Because in two lifetimes we met and found each other? All the way around the world instead of just across the channel? Another time, but with the same horrific result? Losing mates and kin in two lifetimes? No!"

"I am such a fool...and a coward!" I lowered my countenance once again.

"No coward would have borne the shame and hurt you did for others. Didn't your sister tell you there was no need for an apology?" She shook her head and balled her left fist in anger.

"For naught." No one believed us. At this ethereal turn of the century and decades later in the real world. But Annie understood because she bore the same shame in her own life. We looked up, seeking some sense of it all. I breathed out. No Belleau Wood or Amiens. But neither were the two of us touched by Danang and Tet.

"We survived our own lives." she shrugged and chuckled nervously. Like we never saw the rainbows that were just over the hill. But we survived.

"I do not deserve you!" I choked back a sob, evoking even more laughter.

"Silly girl. No! You don't deserve me. That's what my name means...Grace. And grace is bestowed...not earned."

"But.." She placed her right index finger, quieting me.

"But neither do I deserve you. that's what makes this so special." Even as she spoke, our garb changed. No longer two spinsters in War-torn London decades before we were born, but two souls standing in a living room in a bungalow not so many years ago.

"Hold me?" And even as we embraced, things faded further. She smiled at me; anticipating my frown.

"In a lifetime, my dear!"

Some look and find the sunshine,
I always look and find the rain.
Some make a winning sometime,
But I never even make a gain, believe me,
I'm always chasing rainbows,
Waiting to find a little bluebird in vain.

Finally: I'll Be Seeing You

---

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I'm Always Chasing Rainbows
words and music by
Joseph McCarthy and Harry Carroll
as sung by Linda Eder

Previously

"I do not deserve you!" I choked back a sob, evoking even more laughter.

"Silly girl. No! You don't deserve me. That's what my name means...Grace. And grace is bestowed...not earned."

"But.." She placed her right index finger, quieting me.

"But neither do I deserve you. that's what makes this so special." Even as she spoke, our garb changed. No longer two spinsters in War-torn London decades before we were born, but two souls standing in a living room in a bungalow not so many years ago.

"Hold me?" And even as we embraced, things faded further. She smiled at me; anticipating my frown.

"In a lifetime, my dear!"

Some look and find the sunshine,
I always look and find the rain.
Some make a winning sometime,
But I never even make a gain, believe me,
I'm always chasing rainbows,
Waiting to find a little bluebird in vain.

---

---

At a wonderful party of celebration...

"It's such a blast to finally feel included," I said. She grabbed my wrist.

"Well, up to today, it wouldn't have really been a good idea, aye?" she approximated her grandma's soft brogue as she teased.

"You mean this today...not that one..." As much as the baby shower for our niece felt real and alive, it wasn't all that solid, so to speak. Yet another in a series of ethereal imaginings of 'what could never have been.

"It's as real as we can make it now, my sweet." Her teasing was gone, replaced by a bittersweet smile.

"Thanks for this," I said. She half-smiled. It literally was the most she could do. She hugged me and looked around the room at all of the ladies of the family. For one single moment in time, I was included. No musings about sports or work with the boys. Happy beyond measure to be included with the girls in anticipation of the new birth only months away.

"It's time," she said with a gasp. It was as much a disappointment for her as for me. We hugged even as the room seemed to dissolve into mist; only to be replaced with yet another moment in time...

---

---

Earlier that day at home, four years ago....

""I..." she pulled me into what I hoped for her would be a reassuring hug. Almost forewarning, it felt as if things promised to be very sad in a day filled with promise and hope. She pulled away and kissed me.

"t'll be okay." she smiled weakly and we hugged again before she walked toward the door.

"I love you," she said and was quickly out the door and away."

---

---

That evening...

It was already dark, even at just past five. I had expected their arrival soon,so the phone call surprised me. In mere moments my world fell apart....

---

---

At the hospital....

The nurse seemed to bolster the young doctor with her half smile as he spoke haltingly.

"I...I am so sorry."

The rest of the evening was filled with weeping and melancholic musings about what truly had been for everyone the loss of the sweetest person we all knew. Much of the next few days blurred until we all stood in a cold outdoor chapel saying our goodbyes. And then it was over...

---

---

"It's time," she said. I turned to find her standing quietly. I shook my head in protest,

"It's okay. It's just another departure since we will meet again someday." It wasn't a maudlin attempt to assuage the heartache, but simply one more sweet reassurance by a heart filled with faith and hope.

"Don't be in a hurry." She kissed me on the cheek; a 'see you later' rather than goodbye.

"In a Lifetime."

I tried to protest, but true to form, she just waved bye before simply fading away...

I still cry like a baby...

I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way

I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you

---

---

I'll Be Seeing You
words and music by
Irving Kahal and Sammy Fain
as sung by Miss Rosemary Clooney