"Oh? Wow, that's pretty cool I guess," I responded, trying to temper Rachel's enthusiasm. "I am not sure I will be able to join though. It's quite far away and all."

"Oh no, you are not going to get out of this, Emily. I will personally come to your house and drag you out if necessary," she adamantly responded. I couldn't see her facial expression right now, but this tone of hers was very familiar. This is exactly how a determined Rachel sounds, and once she gets into this mindset, it is incredibly difficult to get her out of it.

"You know I'm really busy with school and everything right? College applications and all are coming up, and I need to make sure to land a good one," I tried to put up an excuse. But it wasn't looking like Rachel was buying it at all.

"Yes, of course. That's why you have by far the most solo queue games out of all of us every week. If we want to win the LAN, or even qualify for it, we need to be a tight team. That's what always made our team stand out, us girls being friends who knew exactly what to expect of each other. And if we can get you properly linked up with the rest of us, we can beat anyone!" As the game got underway, Rachel just kept rambling in an effort to convince me of the necessity of this whole bootcamp ordeal. So, with both of our minds completely unfocused, we quickly lost our lanes and the match as a whole.

"Hey Rachel, I think I'm going to sign off for the night. I'm not really feeling it," I said in an effort not to lose any more ranked games today.

As I was about to disconnect from the voice channel, she quickly reminded me, "Yeah, that's fine, just don't forget to keep your weekend free two weeks from now! The bootcamp is happening, and you will be there! It is incredibly important to make sure our teamwork is top notch."

With that, I left the channel, shut down my computer, and grabbed my phone. Before I knew it, I was in my bed, wasting my time being swallowed by the YouTube algorithm, and slowly drifted to sleep.

***

The next day at school, I was still thinking about this whole bootcamp situation. I was pretty much stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I don't show up, I might be kicked from the team because I don't have enough commitment to the team. If I do show up, I could be kicked from the team for not being a girl. There really was no winning here.

"Hey,"

So, I definitely have to tell them I am going to the bootcamp. Between the moment of telling them I am going, and it actually taking place, something needs to happen making it so that I won't be able to be there anymore. Maybe... a funeral, somebody died!

"Hello? Jason?"

They don't know that my grandfather died three years ago, I could tell them it just happened! But wait, then it would be about the same date as the funeral, which would just be one day. And knowing Rachel, she would somehow manage to move it to allow me to still come. So what else could happen... Of course! An accident! What if I...

"Jason! Wake up, you dimweed!"

"Ouch!" Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain shoot through my shoulder as somebody punched my shoulder. Looking up at the culprit, it was my friend Riley, looking at me with her signature grimace. Framed by her long blonde hair, the grimace slowly mutated into a slight smile.

"Flipping hell, man, you looked like you were on the other side of the universe! What kind of weird Dotur strategy were you cooking up this time?" she jokingly said.

"First of all, it's Dota, you know that. Second of all, no. I'm just tired because I barely slept last night," I barked back at her.

It might not seem like it, but Riley and I have been best friends since forever. She lives in the house across from mine and ever since kindergarten, we have pretty much done everything together. People say she has a bit of an abrasive personality, and honestly, they have a point. While I have learned to deal with this part of her, others haven't. So, she was never really able to build a decent social circle. Even though her looks should have made her one of the most popular people in the school, she was pretty much just stuck with me. I honestly think a lot of people find her quite intimidating. Her big blue eyes, shiny golden locks, and an immaculate fashion sense were simply no substitute for good social skills.

As she stood next to me wearing a black pleated skirt and a pink top divided by a black belt with an immaculate silver buckle, she put down her lunch tray and snapped at me once again. "I don't buy it. I didn't see you online on Steam anymore after 21:00. So, either you have found a different way to spend your time apart from no-life gaming, which I highly doubt. Or you pulled your classic, let's hide from my life by rolling up as a cocoon in my bed sheets move. My money is on the latter."

"You don't even have any money," I said, trying to avoid giving an actual answer.

"Don't change the subject, you dingus!"

She really isn't going to let this go, is she? I thought to myself.

As the muscles on her clear face constructed a shape similar to a duckface this awful baby voice escaped her red lips: "Come on... Tell Mommy Riley what's wrong with little JJ. I need that giant brain of yours. And right now it looks like it's out of commission."

I hate it when she starts using this tone, and she knows that. I already see heads turning around the cafeteria, so with my head slowly turning red, I start bargaining with her. "Fine! I will tell you, but not now!"

"Great! In that case, you will be coming to my place after school. So I can help you with whatever mind spiral you got twisted in that gray matter of yours. And you can help me not flunk that math test on Friday," she said as a big smile appeared on her face.

As I raised one of my eyebrows and looked up towards the 5'11" girl sitting next to me, "It doesn't sound like you're giving me much of a choice, does it?"

She put her hand on the top of my head and started wildly stroking my shaggy hair. "Ah... you know me so well, JJ."

"Stop it!" I exclaimed while trying to wrestle my head free of her grasp. And as I regained my composure, I saw her hand move down towards my lunch tray and grab a hold of my chocolate muffin. Before I could even respond, she snatched it away, and in one swift motion tossed it into the garbage can on the other side of the table. "Hey!" I shouted angrily. "What did you do that for?"

Raising her chin proudly, Riley stated, "It's not like you were going to exercise those calories off that little body of yours. I'm just protecting you from bad food choices."

***

By the time school finally came to an end, I was still stuck. Every plan I thought of to get me out of this whole bootcamp predicament had so many problems attached to it. Running the scenarios through my head, there was always something that could go wrong. But it's two weeks from now. Surely I will be able to come up with a plan by that time. Yeah, I'm just going to hang out with Riley this afternoon, and all will be good. I opened the backdoor of Riley's home and instantly my nose was overwhelmed by an assault of all kinds of unpleasant smells.

"Wow, what died in here, Riley?"

“That dead rat you call a haircut” I heard her voice say from the other side of the room. Looking up from her laptop, Riley turned her head to me and stated, "Yeah, my folks have been really busy lately. I think it's just trash that needs to be taken out. You will get used to it before you know it. I don't even smell it anymore."

Riley and her parents live very differently from me and my mom. While I'm used to someone who demands the absolute best from herself and her son, doing everything in her power to do what you are "supposed to do" according to upper middle-class standards, Riley's parents could have come straight from Woodstock. They both have pretty well-paying jobs as art directors or something, allowing them to afford to do pretty much whatever they want with the money. So, you never knew what you were going to find inside that house of theirs. Sometimes, I'd get in there, and there would be Chinese tapestries and gongs everywhere. Another time, it was almost like walking into a postmodern gallery. Today, it seemed like they got all their old decorations from the attic and just threw them around the living room. Carefully moving past a tower of stained-glass vases, I eventually arrived at the brown leather couch where Riley was seated.

"How do you guys live like this? I don't think I can even see the floor anymore!" I joked.

"Don't be so dramatic, JJ. At least we have fun. Instead of that lady that owns your house with that giant stick up her ass."

As I raised my finger and was about to make a counterargument, I quickly changed my mind and put my finger down again. We have had this argument a million times, and I'm not really feeling like defending my mom right now.

Riley had definitely noticed my change of heart though. As she closed her laptop and looked me straight in the eyes, "Damn, Jason, you must be feeling down about something. Normally, you would come up with a quippy response instantly. What's going on, buddy?"

This was also Riley. Once you passed those Constantinople-style walls of hers, she really did care. But I'm not sure if I should tell her about what I have been doing in the last few months and the dilemma I'm in right now. I mean, if I can trust anyone, it's Riley, right?

As I explained to her my problem with the bootcamp and the Dota team, her grin was growing bigger and bigger. Eventually I was done with my story and just asked her outright. “So, what do you think I should do?”

But instead of answering me she just screamed loudly: “OH. MY. GOD. This makeover is going to be so much fun!!!”

Confused, I asked, “Wait what? Makeover? What are you talking about?”

Once again, Riley was being overly optimistic. "It's the most obvious solution JJ, just keep up the act. Why can't you do the same thing you are doing online, but in person? You just told me you have already been using a fake voice, so what's with deceiving these broads a little more?" Riley said confidently.

I tried to explain to Riley that there are too many things that could go wrong if I showed up there. "Putting on a different voice is one thing. That's relatively easy to do. But there is no way I would be able to make the girls believe I'm a girl in person, for a whole weekend at that," I said.

Riley pressed, "You can't hide from this buddy. You decided to go with this twisted scheme of yours, now you're going to need to see it through. Isn't that whole LAN Lionesses Championship thing an offline tournament in the first place? You must have had a long-term plan when you went into this, right?"

I started sweating and itching all over my body from being so nervous. Honestly, I wasn't thinking. When I made that first mistake of not reading the post properly, I just came up with the losing my voice thing to avoid being called out. But that little lie has grown to a pretty giant snowball at this point, and it seems like it's coming right at me.

"Maybe you're right, Riley. I should just..."

"I'm always right," she interjected. "So you should just come up to my room now so we can work on Emily for a bit."

"Wait, no, that's not what I was trying to..."

"Shhh... Now, Emily, be a good little girl and get that pristine little peach of yours off the couch. And let me show you a whole new world as I paint with all the colors of the wind to make a woman out of you," she said with a wink.

"But..."

"What can I say except you're welcome!" She started singing loudly.

***

Riley's room was a little bigger than mine, which is one of the reasons we would often hang out over here instead of my place. In the center of the room was a queen-size bed with a white headboard up against the wall. The wall behind the bed was painted in an almost neon magenta color, while the rest of the room's walls were painted in a similar broken white as the bed. Against the wall opposite of the bed, there was a double-length desk. On one side of the desk, there was a big desktop computer, while on the other, there was a kind of vanity setup with a big round mirror lined with lights on the edges, and a whole gutter full of makeup in front of it. There were two other doors on either side of the bed in the room. The one on the left went to an en-suite bathroom, while the other one went to a small walk-in closet behind the bed.

Pretty much being pushed into the room by Riley, I was still trying to bargain with her. "There is no way this is going to work, they are going to see right through it."

"Don't underestimate my power, young padawan. Now go into the bathroom and take a shower while I am going to prepare everything out here," she said with a little wink.

"Ugh... Whatever," I grumbled back to her.

Defeated, I made my way into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I took off my clothes and hung them over the heating rail against the wall.

Once again, I looked at my own body in the mirror. I had never really cared about my looks in the slightest. Sure, I tried to maintain good health, but with my stumpy little body, I knew I'd never win any beauty contests. Being only 5'5" as a guy didn't help either. And my face, well, there wasn't much to say about that. Since puberty never really showed up for me, there was only minimal facial hair, leaving me with a baby face forever.

But, I wondered, what was the point of caring so much about how one looked? The only thing that should matter is what's inside. Like, if you can play an amazing carry Anti-Mage, why should it matter what you look like? Just because some people are born with better genes than others, suddenly everyone likes them better. And if they don't have that, they spend a fortune on clothes just to compensate. Spending entire days at the mall comparing clothes that fit like crap. I shoot another look at the black jeans and hoodie hanging over the rail, making me chuckle a little on the inside.

I probably had three or four identical copies of those two pieces in my own closet at home. When I used to go shopping with my mom, she would pretty much pick out everything for me. But walking around in polos and button-up shirts everywhere you go, kind of makes you stand out in high school. So, at some point, I just started buying the most comfortable and basic stuff I could find. And if you know it works for you, why not buy more of the same, right? I just didn't have the mental capacity to be worrying about stuff like this.

As I step into the shower, I decide to use Riley's shampoo that's already lying there, she wouldn't mind. But while washing my hair, I suddenly hear the door open. "Hey, get out, Riley!" I shout trying to protect my modesty.

"Don't be such a prude, ya pansy," She responds. "I'm just grabbing something I need from here."

As I hear the metallic sound of something being grabbed off the heating rail where I hung my clothes, I get anxious. "I'm going to need those," I stutter.

"No you don't," I hear Riley's voice say as she closes the door again. Why do I even put up with her, I think to myself.

After I dry myself off with a towel, it becomes clear to me that it's just my underwear that's left hanging on the rail. I put it on and open the door, taking my first steps into whatever shenanigans Riley has planned for me. Wasn't I supposed to help her with her upcoming math test this afternoon?

The first thing I noticed as I stepped into the room is that she used a plastic bag to cover the mirror above her desk. On top of that side of the desk, there was also a small collection of makeup that had been set apart from the normal mess of products over there. Moving my eyes further through the room, I could see three little piles of clothes sitting on top of the bed, with Riley sitting in between two of them. She looked up from her phone and locked eyes with me.

"JJ, I promise you this is going to be fun. I know you hate doing new stuff, but just let it wash over you, okay? I covered the mirror because I'm pretty sure I can actually do something cool here. You just need to wait for the end result to come together. Don't even view this as us trying to find a solution to that dump truck-sized hole you dug yourself into. You are just having a bit of fun dressing up with your gall pall Riley ” she calmly explained to me.

I let out a little sigh to calm myself down and responded to her. "Yeah, you're right. It's just us anyway. Now just tell me what to do,"

"Okay, so I looked at the sizes of your normal clothes and grabbed some of my old clothes from the back of the closet. These things probably won't fit you perfectly, but I think we can make something work with these outfits. The thing is though, your butt is pretty much non-existent. So that means we are going to need to put the focus on your waist instead. That is why..."

"Just stop talking and let's do this, okay?" I interrupted her.

"That's what I like to hear," she said as she flung a black bra in my direction. "Strap that one on and then we are going to get started with this yellow dress over here."

I managed to get the bra on pretty quickly when Riley clicked the straps together at the back. Then she handed me a long yellow summer dress that had a bunch of white dots across it. I let it fall over my head and put my arms into the holes when I felt there was some sort of elastic band at the height of my waist in the dress. I guess this was supposed to create that focus on my waist Riley was talking about.

"Now we need to create some more womanly shapes and break it up a bit. So first put this in cups of your bra," she said when she handed me four pairs of thick winter socks. Stuffing them into the cups and feeling the pressure of the bra on my chest somehow made me feel pretty weird, but not necessarily in a negative way though. Before I could really make sense of my own feelings though Riley handed me another piece of clothing.

"Now put on this jacket, it should end around your waist while also slimming out your shoulders," It was a cropped denim jacket that I managed to put on without too much difficulty. However, I did notice that the sleeves were a bit narrower than the kind of jackets I would have worn before, making it feel a bit more snug.

Riley looked me over for a second before she said, "Yeah, this works. Now come sit down at the desk." She pulled out the chair below the desk and motioned for me to sit down while she sat down on a chair across from me.

She took a few of the makeup products she put aside earlier and told me, "We are just doing something simple here, something natural that could work as an everyday thing. Now close your eyes and let me get to work." As I closed my eyes, I felt different kinds of brushes paint my face. As I couldn't see what she was doing, I had no idea what products she was actually using on my face though.

"Now open those pretty eyes of yours, cutie," she eventually said.

"Don't call me that," I snapped back at her while opening my eyes.

"Hey, I am just saying what I'm seeing. Just stop being so darn cute, Emily," she winked back at me.

I really didn't want to keep arguing with her right now. But honestly, she was starting to get on my nerves. How long did this whole process take? I am almost starting to understand how she needs so long to get ready herself when I pick her up for school in the mornings.

"Now, the only problem remaining is that bird's nest on top of your head. And since I don't really have the time to find a new home for the little ones, we are just going to need to cover it up. “I got this wig from my mom's and I think it should work perfectly," Riley pulled out a chocolate-brown wig from a small box under the desk and placed it on top of my head. The hair from the wig came down slightly below my shoulders and I felt bangs resting on my forehead.

Riley stepped back from the chair and gave me one final look. "Ah yes, the finishing touch." She quickly ran into her closet and came out with a golden necklace. She hung it around my neck, went through the wig a few times with her hands, and motioned for me to get up from the chair.

"While I think there are definitely some things we can improve, I think this is already a really good look, buddy. Now stand in front of the mirror so you can admire cute little Emily for yourself," Riley said.

I went to stand in front of the mirror and said to Riley, "Sure, let's see what kind of Frankenstein's monster you have turned me into. There is no..."

As Riley pulled the plastic bag from the mirror, I was suddenly speechless.

Standing in front of me was a girl that looked like she could have been my sister, maybe a bit younger than me. In a room that I had stood in so many times, I could see that it was me, but it was a bit different somehow. I felt all sorts of feelings come up and a certain pressure building up in my lower stomach. The longer I looked, the more I could see things that were off, such as my wide shoulders, big hands, and bushy eyebrows to name a few.

But on the other hand, this long yellow dress made it look like I had an hourglass figure. While the jacket and the necklace drew my eyes to my chest, where you could see 2 little mounds resembling a modest pair of breasts. Looking up towards my face I was greeted by 2 brown eyes that were looking a lot bigger than normal, framed by shiny chocolate brown hair on both sides while a cute fringe covered my forehead.

"There is no way you did such a good job? That's what you wanted to say, right," Riley grinned at me.

Somehow, looking at myself right now makes me feel wrong but also right at the same time. With this whirlwind of feelings soaring through my body, I felt that I needed to calm down. This is all way too confusing. I look towards Riley while trying to regain composure. I say to her, "So we are done with this now, right?"

Clearly confused, she says, "Ummm... Yeah, I guess. But what do you think? I'm pretty sure we can make anyone believe there is a girl named Emily standing next to me right now."

Honestly, I love Riley, but I kind of feel like I need to get out of here. My mind is racing in all directions, and I am having all kinds of thoughts I shouldn't be having. Trying to focus my mind elsewhere, away from the chaos, I tell her, "I mean, it's still just me wearing different clothes, right? I guess I'm just blind to these things. Actually, I just remembered my mom needed me to be home before 6 today. So if you can show me that math stuff real quick, I can make sure I get home on time," I lied to her.

"Sure... I have it right here. Are you sure you're okay, buddy? You sound kind of frazzled right now," she said while putting her math papers in front of me on the desk. Looking through the familiar formulas and numbers actually managed to calm me down a bit. It kind of made me forget about the way I was dressed right now in the first place. "Yes, I'm fine, just let me look at this for a minute," I said to get Riley off my back.

I went over her mistakes for about 10 minutes, allowing me to focus on something completely different for a bit. So focused, in fact, that I hadn't noticed the sound of somebody coming up the stairs down the hall

Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door and I looked up at the mirror in front of me. In the mirror, I saw a face that felt like it wasn't quite mine; it was the face of Emily. In the background, I saw the door open and Riley's father stepping through.

"Hey kiddo, your mom's not coming home tonight. What do you want for dinner?" he asked, turning his head in a questioning manner. "Oh, I don't believe we've met," he said as he looked me straight in the eyes.

For a split second, I made eye contact with Riley next to me after turning towards her father. I couldn't tell him who I am because if he told my mom or anyone else, it would all come out. Everyone would start hating me. So in a panic, I responded to him, "Uhm... Hi, I'm Emily. I go to school with Riley."

"Cool, you can call me Greg," he said with a big smile on his face. "Always nice to see Riley bringing new friends over. Are you staying for dinner?"

But before I could even respond, I heard Riley's devilish voice come from behind me. "Yes, she's staying for dinner and we would love to have some pizza!"

Riley's dad nodded and left the room as quickly as he entered it. With a worried face, I looked over towards Riley and whispered to her, "What was that? I told you I couldn't stay."

"As long as I can see your mom's car ain't driving up your house's driveway. You don't have to go anywhere. Honestly, I don't know what's happening in that crooked little head of yours, but I'm sure you remember why Emily is sitting here instead of Jason right," Riley said.

Riley's words did kind of set my mind right. The girls, the tournament, and of course, the upcoming bootcamp. This whole get-up was simply a solution to that whole problem I put myself into. And it's just clothes, right? Should anybody really care what I'm wearing or what I look like? If it fits me, that's all that matters. After all…

"Hey? Are you still there?" I heard Riley's voice shake me awake from my inner thoughts.

"Oh yeah, the Dota team of course. Keeping up my whole ruse of pretending to be a girl so I can stay with the team of course," I responded to her.

"Exactly, and that is why we are going to have a little practice run with my dad. If you can fool a man that has pretty much seen you grow up, I'm sure you can fool 4 nerdy hockey girls with no effort," Riley said.

***

"Emily, it was right?" Riley's dad asked me as he handed me a plate with a piece of pepperoni pizza.

I nervously accepted the plate from him as I cautiously responded, "Uhm... Yeah, I just moved to town recently," trying to come up with a reason for my sudden appearance.

"Is that so?" Riley's dad asked inquisitively. "Where did you move here from?"

"Battingham, it's a small town further upstate. You probably wouldn't know it," I lied. None of these things were true, but if, like Riley said, I can lie to him, I should be able to pull off this act with anyone. I was growing more and more anxious, however, as it felt like the man was way more curious than normal. I had obviously stayed for dinner with Riley's parents before, but normally we would just be talking about what happened at school over that week.

"I can't say I have heard about it, but to be honest, I barely get out of the city as is. I guess it must have been quite the change rather than leaving all your friends and stuff behind," he said, trying to show some empathy. I must have come across as very timid and scared, and this is his way of trying to be comforting.

"It definitely isn't easy, but luckily, I was able to make a new friend quickly," I said as I looked over to Riley. If there is one thing I know about this man, it's that he loves his daughter a little too much. So, complementing her was an easy way to earn myself some points with Riley's dad.

Riley decided to jump into the conversation. With a little wink, she joked, "What can I say, I just can't help myself from picking up strays."

We all had a little chuckle and Riley's dad started telling a very familiar story about some stray cats Riley brought in a few years ago and all the shenanigans they got up to. Pretending like I have never heard the story, even though I was there when it happened. We had a good meal, and at some point, I even almost forgot I was pretending to be somebody else. That is how natural it all felt.

***

"I can't believe he fell for it!" I told Riley while changing out of Emily's clothes and back into Jason's.

"What do I always say about doubting me, little JJ?" Riley said while confidently holding up her index finger.

"There is no use doubting you since you are always correct. Which is inherently a flawed statement since I'm pretty sure the last time you got an A for any test was back when we were eating crayons in kindergarten," I responded.

"Correction, when you were eating crayons. I was a very sophisticated toddler who would never lower themselves to such levels. I will let you know," Riley bounced back at me.

As I put my hoodie on, I taunted her, "Is that so? I can go ask your dad right now."

Riley smirked back at me, "As far as he knows, Jason is across the street right now, while Emily is still hanging around in my room."

Instantly being pulled out of my comfort zone, I asked Riley, "Isn't your dad going to be suspicious that Emily didn't say bye when she left?"

I strapped on my backpack and opened up the window while grabbing hold of the rope that sat on top of the tree branch right in front of Riley's window. By throwing the rope down, I created a safe path to go down towards the ground level.

"Nah, he went into his art studio. He is completely in the zone right now and wouldn't notice anybody leaving or coming in the house at all. I don't even think you have to take the rope at all, to be honest," Riley assured me.

"I really don't want him to figure it out, so I'd rather take the rope," I said as I put my feet into the window and held tightly onto the rope with both hands. "See you at school tomorrow!" I yelled back and slid down. Once I felt the grass beneath my feet, I shot a quick wave towards the window I just jumped out of and walked across the street. Since there was no car in the driveway, it seemed like my mom didn't come home yet. She probably has some late meetings at work or something.

I quickly made my way upstairs while grabbing myself a bottle of carbonated water from the fridge. We actually planned a few scrims tonight with the team, and they were supposed to start in about 20 minutes from now. But I wanted to be all warmed up by the time everybody was there. While scrims essentially are just practice matches, it is definitely different from just queuing matchmaking together. There is so much more teamwork involved, which makes it all way more exciting.

As I logged in to my computer and headed towards the Discord server, I could see there was already one person in the voice channel. Once I entered, the familiar voice from my teammate Lizzy spoke into my ears.

"Emily! Are you ready to kick some butts tonight! I heard you have been practicing Dark Seer recently? We should try to learn some combo plays together with Vacuum + SF ult, for example! I saw Zai and Nisha perform the combo recently and it looked totally lit. If we could be just as in sync as a squad like Team Liquid that would be incredibly cool!"

Lizzy is the mid-player of the team. A girl that seems to have way too much energy, but in a good way. She is always enthusiastic about everything and everyone. She also tends to have expectations of the team that might be a little too high for a bunch of High School Amateurs like us. But since she keeps up with the professional scene religiously, she can always tell us about the latest meta trends from the top teams.

I responded to Lizzy, "Yeah, I don't know if I'm good enough at it yet to run it in official positions, but I think we can actually give it a try in scrims."

As time went on, eventually the rest of the girls joined the channel as well. First there was Rachel who once again started harassing me about the Bootcamp. "So, you're coming, right? Everybody has already confirmed. And I already know it's going to be so much fun. I've already started planning some extra surprises and ways to get us even more ready," she rambled on.

I thought to myself, I had just fooled Riley's dad into thinking I was someone else, and that was with a very quick makeover with Riley's old clothes and no practice. And honestly, just hanging out in voice chat with Rachel and Lizzy right now already makes me feel incredibly comfortable. Similar to how I felt at the end of the dinner I just came from.

I decided to join the bootcamp and come up with an excuse to tell my mom why I'll be gone that weekend. I can just say I'm spending the night at Riley’s if necessary.

"I talked about it with my mom, it's all good to go. I'll be at the bootcamp two weeks from now," I said to Rachel. As Rachel and Lizzy started cheering loudly I quickly calmed them down by saying that I wanted to focus on the scrims tonight first.

And before we even could discuss too much more about the bootcamp, the last two players of the team joined the channel, Kelsey and Jade. We quickly started preparing for the night of scrims as we got ourself into the lobby for our first match. We destroyed our opponents three times in a row while even performing that Vacuum + SF ult combo Lizzy was talking about in the last game. I felt completely in my element and quite honestly, excited for the Bootcamp. That night, I ended up going to bed more comfortable than I had been in a long time.

***

"You're looking fresh and chipper today," my mom said when I came down the stairs humming along to some music in my head.

She was wearing a black pencil skirt with an amber blouse on top, one of her standard work outfits. In her hands was the financial section of a national newspaper which she was analyzing thoroughly. Her work at a law firm specializing in take-overs and mergers, a lot of very complicated stuff involving lots of money. She was only an assistant there though, but vowed herself to get to the top.

My dad and her had separated 5 years ago, but she decided to keep the house on her own. This did mean however that she needed to work a lot more hours as opposed to what she did before. My dad has lived outside of the country for almost 4 years at this point, we keep in contact through video calls but it’s hard. He works on big international cargo ships so he is always somewhere else in the world.

"We played some practice matches with the team last night, and we won everything. I am pretty sure we might actually be able to qualify for that tournament" I gloated about our performance last night..

"That's good to hear. You better be winning with all the time you're investing into it," she sternly stated without even looking up from her paper. "Oh, before I forget. Greg, Riley's dad, just came by to drop off some kind of package for you."

On the far end of the kitchen table, there was a plastic bag with a box inside of it. I vaguely recognized the box and decided to take it and the bag upstairs to my room. As I opened the box, I felt a boulder drop down deep into my stomach.

It was the box with the wig I wore at Riley's house yesterday, and there was a note attached.

"Hey Emily, I thought you looked great yesterday. So, I wanted you to have this for yourself. Enjoy and have an awesome day! Greetings, Greg."

I quickly stuffed the box with the wig in the back of my closet and put my books for the day into my backpack. Then I heard my mom's voice coming from downstairs. "I am heading out for work, don't forget to lock the door when you leave!" With that, I could hear her heels click on the tiles in the hallway as she left the house. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and made my way downstairs, where I made myself some breakfast and started cleaning up the kitchen. When I left the house about 15 minutes later, I could see Riley leaving her house at about the same time and locked the door behind me.

Today, she was wearing a brown corduroy overall dress with a white long sleeve shirt underneath it. The dress was showing off her long legs perfectly, while some black ankle boots give her outfit just that little bit of an edge. As she made her way over to the other side of the road, I couldn't help but think about how I would look wearing something like that, but quickly purged that thought from my mind.

"Hey Riley, has your dad said anything to you about last night?" I asked her when we started our walk to school.

"No? He just hung out in his art studio all night, as far as I know. Didn't see him after you left or anything. What's up, did something happen with that workaholic of a mother of yours last night? You look like you have just seen a ghost JJ," she answered.

Lowering my volume and with a certain worry in my voice, I whispered to her, "Well... It turns out your dad didn't buy our Emily act. He must have seen right through it since he dropped off the box with the wig at my house this morning."

While I was still freaking out about this whole situation, she didn't seem to be slightest bit phased about the revelation I just sprung upon her.

"Hmmm, well yeah, that makes sense. I kind of figured he would have noticed. Come to think of it, you were literally wearing a wig he has seen his wife wear before. And a dress he has seen his daughter wear before. I mean, damn JJ. This man has pretty much seen you grow up, it was always going to be a hard sell, and we barely made an effort in the grand scheme of things," she reasoned.

"Well?! What are we going to do about it?" I angrily growled at her under my breath. "He left this weird note with it. Telling Emily to keep it and wishing her a good day."

She read the note and looked at me with a condescending smile. "Do I need to point out that YOU are Emily, my little doofus? He clearly is going along with the act, so why can't you do the same? I can guarantee you, my parents have seen stuff a whole lot weirder than a boy in a dress."

I really didn't want to admit it, but Riley might have a point. It didn't seem like Riley's dad had told my mother because she would definitely have scolded me about it this morning otherwise. And it probably couldn't hurt to have some adult allies in this whole pretending to be Emily project. Clearly, some more work needed to be done if I wanted to properly fool others into believing Emily was real, and maybe Riley's dad could provide that.

"I guess it isn't as bad as I initially thought," I said to Riley.

"Nothing ever is, I remember that week when you were worried about dying in your sleep so stayed awake for 3 whole days. You are lucky you're big sis Riley is there to protect you," she jested back at me.

I glared at her as we continued our way to school.

***

As the day went on at school, I found it incredibly difficult to keep my focus in class. It felt like there were a million thoughts occupying my mind after the events of last night. The weird feelings I felt when I saw myself in the mirror after Riley's makeover. The fact that I had said yes to the girls regarding the bootcamp and figuring out how "Emily" was going to show up there. How Riley seemed to be enjoying this whole project a little bit too much for my taste. Or what her dad was thinking of me after seeing me strut about in his daughter's dress.

Chemistry class had just come to a close, so I had packed my bag and made my way into the school's hallway. At that moment, my classmate Kelsey walked past me and looked at me with an annoyed look. "Don't stare at me, you weirdo!" I heard her say to me when she quickly disappeared into the crowd.

That was another thing, I felt like I couldn't stop staring at some of the girls in the class. But it was not for the reason one might expect a teenage boy to be staring at his female classmates. I was just very jealous of their outfits and how perfectly their bodies filled them out. Comparing the slobbish dress from yesterday with those leather-coated skinny jeans, highlighting Kelsey's very feminine figure, actually made me feel things. And I know these are incredibly unhealthy thoughts to be having, but it is so hard to ignore them.

***

By the time lunch rolled around, I could finally get my mind out of the gutter for a bit. Just having my regular lunch shenanigans with Riley brought me back into that familiar comfort zone. But it seemed this wouldn't last long though.

As Riley eventually piped up. "Your landlord still has her spinning class on Friday nights, right?"

"Yes? Why are you asking?" I responded nervously.

"Awesome, that means we are going to do some shopping with Emily on that night. I will ask my dad if he can drive us to the mall," she smiled at me with that devilish grin of hers.

"What do you mean? I can't just walk into a store trying on girl's clothes and stuff, they will call me a creep. What if somebody from school sees me? Everyone would find out," I shot back at her.

Now she started doing the whole duck face and baby voice thing again she always does to get her way. "Hush hush JJ, you don't have to come shopping with me. I am just asking Emily to come, nobody would give a hoot about a cute girl like her just doing some fun Friday night shopping."

While my initial fear instructed me to say no to her, since I couldn't risk being seen by anybody in the mall. In the back of my mind, there was another feeling fighting for attention. That same feeling I got when I first saw myself in the mirror wearing Riley's old dress. The idea that I might be able to experience that feeling again, that little moment of magic. So before I even knew what was happening, I responded to Riley. "Fine, I will come. Better to get this out of the way as soon as possible so we have everything ready on time for the bootcamp."

"Wow, that went a lot easier than I expected," Riley said out loud. Framed by those long blonde strands of hair, I could see her face resembling that signature grin of hers once again. "Just make sure you get to my place right after class on Friday. I have some special surprises planned to help Emily get ready for our night out."

***

On Fridays, my school day ended one period later than Riley's, so as the day ended, I had to walk home on my own. I quickly dropped off my bag at home, and grabbed the box with the wig before crossing the streets towards Riley's place. Walking around the back, it didn't seem like there was anyone in the living room. It did look a lot more cleaned up, however, but that was probably because most of the stuff that filled up the living room before was now spread around the backyard.

As I stepped into the house, I yelled, "Hello?!" causing a swift response to emerge from upstairs. Riley's voice emerged, "Upstairs!" Entering her room, I could see that Riley had been preparing for my arrival. There was a whole bunch of stuff scattered around the room that I hadn't seen before. It looked like she was still pining over different sets of clothing. Breaking her out of her concentrated state, I said to her, "You have been quite busy, I see."

"With a big smile, she looked back at me and said, 'Oh for sure. I talked with my parents about it last night and they gave so many good tips and ideas. Just look at these puppies!'"

Initially, I felt a bit annoyed when she said that because it obviously means her mom knows the whole story as well. But I guess that was going to happen sooner or later anyway with this family.

In her hands, she was holding two silicone breast forms that looked to be as floppy as raw chicken breast. Seeing her handle them so casually kind of weirded me out, making me have second thoughts about all of this. "That is definitely something you have there. How did you even get something like that?"

"JJ, my Buddy, you don’t want to know about the amount of weird stuff my parents have in this house. It’s not for the faint-hearted. But now, let's get on with it. I'm waiting for my friend Emily to get here. So, you better lose those rags of yours," she said.

Over the next 15 minutes, I followed every single instruction Riley gave me. As I was slowly being turned into Emily, while she had an amazing dress-up doll to play with. There was a different bra from last time and of course, the breast forms she showed earlier. This resulted in a bust that looked a lot more impressive, like that of a 15-year-old girl who had actually gone through puberty.

The outfit I ended up wearing was quite simple. I had on high-waisted blue denim jeans with a bootcut and a white sweater top with a V-neck. I also wore Riley’s mom's Doc Martens from last year. To complete the look, I was given a brown cardigan and a small leather handbag. Riley also did my makeup again, using different products than last time and it was too confusing to remember exactly what she used.

Eventually, the makeup was done and I put on a wig while Riley styled it. I dared to look in the mirror and saw a very normal teenage girl that could have been in my class. But this was not just any normal teenage girl, this was me. Or I guess this was Emily, but I was Emily right.

Yes, this is me. The Emily girl in the mirror is me. But I'm actually a boy named Jason. This was all so confusing. And I'm feeling way too many things right now. But whatever it was, it felt amazing.

Completely at a loss for words, I hugged my amazing friend who had shown me this other side of myself, the biggest and warmest hug I had ever given.

“Hey now, it’s all right buddy.” Riley said as I was smudging my face into her chest. As I pulled back from the embrace I looked up into Riley’s comforting blue eyes and steady myself once again.

“I’m starting to feel that this might be a little more than a poorly planned ruse to participate in a dota tournament. Just know that I will always be there for you, my little friend. Jason or Emily, whatever floats your boat”

She ended her uplifting words with a little wink. But honestly, I had no idea how to respond.

While she was definitely right in a way. It was very hard to talk about something you could barely even understand yourself. Like what would I even tell her? That looking at this version of myself made me feel happier than normal? That should have been quite obvious. But I can’t just suddenly become another person. Emily, how unfortunate it might be, isn't actually real. This person I’m looking at in the mirror is just a fake. A better version of reality, but not reality itself.

“Thank you so much,” I said to Riley. While I still had no idea where this whole thing was going to go. I knew how lucky I was to have her on my side. But before I could elaborate on any of this a voice came calling upstairs.

“Are you girls ready to go?”

“Just 5 more minutes!” Riley yelled in response to her dad almost immediately. She looked back towards me with a slight smile. “Now let’s fix up that beautiful face of yours real quick, those darn emotions have smudged your makeup.” All I could do was give her a small nod as she walked me back over the mirror where she quickly fixed her handywork.

It’s just a trip to the mall, it doesn't mean anything right? Sure, I might be dressed a little differently but it is all to prepare for the tournament. The fact that Riley is a fashion expert just made this whole thing look a little too real. Like, I never really cared about the way I look and it’s just a bit much difference compared to normal. And who wouldn’t like looking at a good looking girl in the mirror, even if that's technically you.

“All fixed up! Now let’s go have some girl time together Emily.” Riley said while performing a cheeky wink.

***

Stepping out of the car into the chilly parking lot the car window slowly rolled down.

Greg’s deep yet welcoming voice emerged from the car. “I will be picking you galls up in about three hours from now. Be good!” And with that, the car slowly started its engines as it steadily pulled away. Insanely aware of the way I was currently dressed I was constantly scanning my surroundings. Trying to make sure there was nobody who could possibly recognize me, and who sent me even deeper into the pit of social destitution. Before all the anxiety ghosts could really get to me though, a surprisingly soft sounding Riley motioned me to follow her.

“It’s all going to be completely fine buddy, just trust me on this one. After we did the first makeover stunt I got so hyped I did something completely crazy, preparation. I have everything planned out for a wholesome girls night out with my best bud emmy, all you have to do is go with the flow and fun”

Trying to hold my composure I nodded along. While normally I would definitely have made some kinda snarky remark about Riley’s impulsiveness, on this night that wasn’t even close to the top of my mind.

As we crossed the barrier into the heated, and brightly lit Shamesbury Mall an excited Riley stepped up in front of me. “Now listen close bestie, before the real fun begins we need to get you some drip of your own.” “Drip?” I questioned as I tilted my head slightly trying to understand Riley’s colorful vocabulary.

“Drip yes, or also more commonly known as clothes in your hometown of doofusville. I got some great shops lined up where we can get you some cool looking outfits that will impress all the other girls on your team”

She quickly moved behind me to give a gentle little shove to me in the direction of our first stop. All I could think of however was the way Riley just formulated that sentence. ‘The other girls’ Why did that feel so… comforting?

We walked into a small local clothing boutique that wasn’t very familiar to me. To be brutally honest I wasn’t really familiar with any clothing store around here. Simply for the reason that I always ordered clothing online instead of shopping in person. Once I figured out my size it was just easier to order a bunch of the same hoodies and jeans that I knew worked for me.

Riley took me through the clothing racks and wooden stands scattered around the small space. Handing my loads of different pieces of clothing, all seemingly completely different in style. Eventually I ended up with a black jumpsuit, some kind of light silvery coated pair of jeans, a pink billowing blouse and even a pair of brown leather ankle boots. “Let’s get you started with this, it should be exactly on the line between casual and sophisticated we are looking for when making a first impression.”

I looked around for a dressing room, only for my eyes to accidentally lock with those of the saleswoman roaming the store. As a smartly dressed woman in her early 40s slowly made her way in my direction, I instantly felt dread decent all around me. Averting my eyes down towards the ground immediately I tried to avoid confrontation, through my ears one could still hear her coming closer however. With every step she took, thousands of scenarios were racing through my mind. All of them involving her confronting me about why there is a dude dressed as a girl in her store.

“Riley! Good to see you. Who is this beautiful friend of yours?” As my early onset panic attack swiftly ended I looked up towards the women who now stood besides me. “Hi Mia, Emily here has finally allowed me to help her get a little bit of a style upgrade.”

“Well, with a face like that, it would be very hard for her to look bad no matter the clothes” Mia said as she whipped up a little smile. A smile that hadn’t registered with me at all, since I was still baffled that she hadn’t seen through my disguise. Quickly channeling my inner Emily voice I attempted to keep up the ruse.

“Uhm, yeah. I normally just let my parents order me things online. But Riley always said I should be a bit more daring with my clothing choices. And I guess I allowed her to drag me over here after all.”

I really hoped that my voice worked as well in person as did online, and wonder behold, it did. As Mia didn’t seem to be caught off guard at all and responded in a friendly manner.

“Well, Riley brought you to exactly the right place, Emily. And I can see she has found some very fashionable pieces for you already. However, I think I might have something special that would work even better that just came in today. Just give me one quick second to grab it for you two.”

As Mia made her way to the back of the store, I made a swift glance towards Riley who shot back at me with a very familiar face of ‘I told you so’ and a little bit of smug glee right behind that. But before I could respond in any way, the door to the back of the store had already opened. Walking through the door was Mia carrying a yellow dress with a slight white striped pattern. Confronted with a piece of clothing that screamed femininity being brought out specifically for me should have made me feel anxious or at least a bit ridiculous. Instead of that however. there was a feeling of excitement as I saw the yellow garment being prepared for me. For a split second I was imagining myself wearing the dress, only to be rudely awakened when I saw my own ugly face on top of that figure that looked so beautiful before.

Riley’s eyes grew two times as big as she looked up to the woman “Ooooh, that’s an amazing dress you got there Mimi. It’s just that I’m not sure if Emily is a dress kind of person. You see nor…”

“Il try it!” I quickly interrupted. Honestly I had no idea why, but something about that dress just really pulled me in once I removed my own face from the fantasy.

Riley tilted her head slightly while lowering her eyebrows in an inquisitive manner. “Are you sure?”

As soon as she said that I noticed a certain smugness appearing behind those deep blue eyes of hers. Almost like she was impressed with my boldness while challenging me to see it through. Accepting the challenge I quickly snatched the dress from Mia’s hands. “Of course, the fashion expert did call it an awesome dress after all”

Keeping my head up high I took all the clothes into the fitting room and tried them one by one. And while trying on clothes in a fitting room should be a completely mundane experience, in this case it was actually quite invigorating. Almost like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do, like I was eating from the forbidden fruit. A forbidden fruit that tasted amazing that is.

I started off with the two outfits Riley had already prepared for me. Showing them both off to two supportive women waiting for me outside the fitting room was like walking into a warm shower after a grueling workout. To feel the tension build up as you are pulling the outfit piece by piece, all coming together for the grand reveal in the mirror by the end. Only to be rewarded by compliments and confidence as I could actually see a good looking girl meeting my eyes in the mirror. Or a good looking boy pretending to be a woman I guess.

The pièce de résistance of this whole show however, was yet to come. For in my mind there was no more feminine piece of clothes than a long yellow sundress, and that was exactly what I was lowering down over my body right now. With no mirror present in the fitting room itself it was pure guessing if I was pulling this off, or if my masculine core would finally be revealed as I stepped out from behind the curtain.

Riley lifted her hand while pointing with her index finger at me while I stepped out back into the store. “That look is fire”

And looking in the mirror for the third time in quick succession I instantly knew exactly what she meant with that statement. Looking back at me was exactly what I would call the girl of my dreams.

***

Carrying 2 bags containing Emily's first wardrobe of her own, we said our goodbyes to Mia proceeding on our expedition through the jungle of capitalism. For a second I was thinking about the bootcamp next week and how the girls would react to finally meeting me as a person. And for the first time it wasn’t just dread that found its way into my brain, but also little specs of excitement as I could actually visualize myself as a girl wearing the outfits I was currently carrying with me. But before I could really enter my mind palace a more primal feeling pulled back to the present as a grumbling tummy loudly announcing its presence.

“Flippin hell, did I just hear your stomach demand our full attention?” Riley lifted her chin to a good view of the wayfinder signs above us. “Just follow me, and allow me relief your stomachs suffering through the magic of nutrition”

She quickly increased her pace and before we knew it we arrived at the mall's food court. Riley took her dad’s credit card from her purse “Let me treat you, what are you feeling like tonight?”

I scanned the different establishments locate around the food court until my eyes landed on a familiar sign reading ‘Just chips’

“I feel like I have already been trying a lot of new things today, so let’s just go with something I know for now. I'm dying for some good old just chips” I responded while making myself comfortable in one of the blue little plastic chairs scattered around the food court.

I set my bags down on the table and looked back up to my friend “But make sure you get the curly ones, you might say it’s bullshit be they really do taste better”

Riley rolled her eyes in exaggerated manner “We both now they are exactly the same, but we are not having that discussion again today”

As she made her way in the direction of ‘Just Chips’ I felt surprisingly at ease. Looking down at the outfit I was wearing and how this is all going way easier than I could have ever expected. Clothes really do maketh the man. Apart from the fact that it wasn't really ‘the man’ in this case.

“Uhm, excuse me” a familiar voice suddenly piped from behind me. I turned around being greeted by a tall brunette girl carrying a field hockey stick on her back of around the same age as me. But while the voice sounded eerily familiar, I was sure I had never seen this person's face before.

“Yeah, what's the matter?” I responded to the stranger still trying to place where I had heard her voice before.

The girl looked a bit anxious as she was fidgeting with the cord on her bag, not really making eye contact in the process. “This might be a weird question, but is your name Emily?”

Without even thinking, I affirmed her question. “Yes thats my name, do I know you from somew…”

Before I could even complete my sentence both of our brains suddenly came to the same conclusion as I felt a brick made of pure lead sink deep into my stomach.

“I knew I recognized your voice! Emily! It’s me, Rachel!”

When you come across a bear in the wild, there is a very handy rhyme that tells you what to do. “If it’s brown, lay down. If it’s black fight back. If it’s white goodnight”. And even though I was staring straight into a set dark brown eyes framed by a big bush of curly brown hair, laying down definitely was not the right course of action. For these eyes did not belong to a ferocious mammal with razor sharp claws, but instead a 16 year old girl who was very excited to meet her online friend for the first time. The latter feeling a lot more dangerous than the former to me right now.

Raising my larynx in attempt to put on the same voice as I had done online, I managed to squeak out “Rachel? As in RayRay? What are you doing here?”

Rachel raised her right arm so she could use her thumb to point at the field hockey stick strapped to her back “My cousin’s team was short one player for their away game against the local team, so I drove down here to help her out. We were about to do some carb loading done before the game. But I mean what are the chances that I run into you of all people. Small world we live in right?”

Under the table I was nervously pocking one of my fingers through a hole I just made in the plastic bag I had been carrying around. “What are chances indeed, I really wouldn’t have recognized you if you didn’t say anything”

Rachel snapped a quick look to her side where a group of girls also carrying hockey sticks tried to find a set of free tables. Only to once again meet my eyes while slightly raising her thin eyebrows “How could you, we have never actually met before. It’s just that after hearing you shout about smokes so often, It’s become really hard for it not stick out like a sore thumb when I hear it in real life.”

“I mean, somebody needs to set the tempo when there are 4 captain McPassive’s in my team” I shot back at her.

Rachel gave of a slight smile while making a poor attempt of feinting innocence. “Excuse me for trying bait out the opponents mistakes first” causing us both to giggle a little bit.

Hearing her make a joke about our Dota games together felt like a familiar and comfortable wave washing over me. Clearly she hadn’t caught on to the fact that Emily wasn’t actually real, so laying down in fear of the bear was no longer necessary. Was there really nobody who was able to see the Jason hiding beneath the Emily?

“There you go, some silly fries for my silly friend” Riley joked as she suddenly appeared placing a plastic tray with spiraling fries in front of me. Not even taking time to sit down herself she looked up towards the tall brunette that had shown up in her absence. Resting her hand on my shoulder she turned back to me “You making new friends without me?”

“Hi, I’m Rachel. Emily and I know each other from an online game we play together” Rachel exclaimed in a way more formal manner than I have ever heard her speak.

“Ah yes of course, that weird little dota game right?

Rachel was ticking on the floor with her toes as she looked around to where her teammates were sitting. “Uhm, yeah that one”

Riley took away one of my fries and held it up in front her face “You want join in on eating some these? Miss silly string over here never finishes her food so go ahead if you’re hungry”

Rachel quickly shook her head from side to side “I really need to get back to the team, but uhm… See you next week Emily?”

And before I could properly answer she hastily made her way to the table with the other hockey girls.

Riley took a few fries of her own while giving Rachel another look as she joined the girls over at the other side of the food court. “This is the kind of person you are worried about? That girl looked more timid than a rabbit before Christmas dinner.”

“Yeah… I don’t really know what I was expecting but definitely not this.” I said while trying to make sense of what had just happened. Clearly she didn’t have a clue about the Jason hiding beneath the Emily initially, but did she suddenly spot something that gave me away when Riley showed up?

“Well, if the rest of nerds in that team of yours anything like her, you shouldn’t be worried about next week at all. Even if somebody like that found out it would probably take them 3 years to build up to courage to confront you in the first place” Riley shoved her own tray of fries out the way to rest both her elbows on the table. As she put her chin on her hands she looked me straight in the eyes.

“Talking about courage, that was quite a bold move you pulled with Mia earlier. You know we really didn’t need that dress for your bootcamp disguise next week right?”

Trying to finish the fries that were currently imprisoned in my mouth I thought back to that moment. “I guess… There was just something about that thing, Some reason that I needed to wear it. But don’t tell anybody, they are all going to think I’m some kind of weirdo”

“Buddy, no need to worry about that. I would never blow up our trust pact. Something you might need to worry about though, is why you are feeling like this. Hell, that waterfall when you saw yourself just before we left my house? There is more going on here isn’t there?”

I was biting down on my lip while recalling it, something about seeing myself like that made feel so happy. Was it just the excitement of going against the grain? Like how criminals will often just do what they for the kick it gives while the money is just nice little extra? In all honesty I was really trying to dig deep into my psyche, but I couldn’t find what was giving me these overwhelming feelings. I felt like such wreck, not even being to understand my own feelings.

“Let me ask you this. If you could choose to live your life as Emily of Jason. What would you choose?” Riley posseted at me with a certain carefulness in her voice.

Not even having to think about an answer I quickly gave her my answer. “Emily of course, but that is just because I can leave the shittyness of my own life behind me in that reality. It is like you are asking if I would like be mythical creature, who wouldn’t jump on something like that”

Riley gave of a slightly grin as she pointed at herself. “I’m no mythical creature bud, just a regular old girl. And so is Emily” she said as she moved her finger pointing at me now instead.

I swiped her finger away. “But you are actually real, Emily isn’t. You know? Like how horses are real but centaurs are not?”

Riley laid out her arms back on the flimsy plastic table between us. “Are you sure about that? Because the person I’m hanging out with right now seems pretty real to me” Leaning over the table she poked me in the chest. “Just look at yourself, you could be like this all the time you know”

Staring past Riley I caught my own in reflection in a window behind her. At first I felt happy seeing a pretty girl smile back at me, but when I took a closer look my mood started to shift. I couldn’t help but imagine the shaggy mop that was hiding underneath that fabulous haircut. A haircut that was in fact just an expensive theater wig. The casual yet well put together outfit, something I have seen Riley herself wear less than a year ago. Even those though looking boots, just stolen from a lovely woman across street. None of this was actually me, it was just elaborate getup put together by someone else.

“You understand there is nothing wrong with being transgender right?”

“What?!” I snapped back. “What does that have to do with anything?!” I couldn’t believe that this is where she was going with this. Just because I want to play in a particular Dota tournament I’m suddenly trans? I just asked her if she could help me get out of the whole bootcamp situation I had brought myself into. It was not my idea to do this whole elaborate dress up game.

Does she even understand what simply entertaining such an idea could bring forth? Don’t get me wrong, I emphasize with transgender people and their struggles. Being treated like shit everywhere you go just because you happen to born in the wrong body, but clearly that wasn’t me. If that was me I would have known. This kind of felt like one of Riley’s crazy fantasies again.

It was as if something just snapped inside me, like all penned up anxiety from the last few weeks combined with the frustrations of my life. Combining together into a massive monster of pure rage that was suddenly clawing itself out.

“Well, seeing everything that has been up with you recently. It’s by far the most logical reason for it all. You know that it wouldn’t even change or friendship in the slightest” Doctor Frankenstein herself tried to clarify to me.

“Everything that has been up with me? Need I remind you that all this has been your doing! You always push me into doing weird flippin shit, and you never take any responsibility for it.” I slammed my fist on the table causing some of the last fries in my tray to launch themselves up in the air.

“You have been putting me through an emotional rollercoaster with all of this shit because you for some obscene reason you have been thinking I’m trans. If that were the case I would have known and wouldn’t have needed you to push me into putting on this weird little ‘Gall palls at the mall’ theatre production” I shouted.

Riley looked visibly shocked at my outburst and carefully tried to interject. “No it’s not… It’s… My parents said that…”

“O yeah, you’re flippin parents. Who you told about this too even though I explicitly asked you not talk about this with anybody. But who gives a hoot about what I want, because obviously Riley knows best.” My tirade continued.

“Remember when you got the crazy idea in your head that ‘In High School all classes are optional’ in we skipped like a full week of school. You almost got both of us expelled and my mother didn’t allow be to leave the house or to use my computer for anything but school for more than a month!. But little miss perfect over here got nothing but a little slap on the wrist from her hippy dippy parents. Do you even understand what kind of shit I could into even anything about this got out? You only think about yourself!”

My anger was slowly winding down as I once more looked at the figure looking back in the window reflection once again. The freak of nature that I allowed myself to become by allowing myself to be pulled along in another one of Riley’s crazy schemes. Like my life isn’t difficult already. I just want play some good flippin dota with nice team, why do have to deal with all those other crazy stuff as well.

“Just because none of the girls at school want to be friends with you doesn’t mean you have to turn me into one. It’s not my fault you managed to scare away everybody else in your life. Go fix your own problems in your life before you go turning my life even worse” I sternly said to Riley.

With me all of penned up anger finally released I managed to once again focus on the person sitting across from me on the other end of the table. Riley slowly got up from the table with an ironclad face completely bare of emotion. She slowly put on of her fingers under the tray of leftover fries while looking me straight in the eyes.

She flipped over the tray without even looking at it and exclaimed two simple words while her stern stare was locked onto my soul.

“Fuck you”

Only to slowly walk out of the food court without even looking back for slight a moment.

For a short moment I felt proud of myself for standing up to Riley. What was I even thinking going along with this stupid scheme of her, and why had it taken me this long to even see what was happening. I got up, walked over to one of the food stands at the side of the court and ordered myself a drink. It was only when I received my drink however, that reality suddenly dawned on me.

“Here you go miss, have great day” The person behind the counter said. But that was the whole reason I just yelled at Riley right? I am no miss. So the fact that I was still wearing this outfit, out in public. It was only a matter of time before somebody would recognize me and my world would be over. But that wasn’t the only problem, because how was I supposed to get home in the first place. Going home with Riley clearly was out of the question, but similarly calling my mom to come pick me up was also not something in the realm of possibilities. Even if I got home somehow, I couldn’t walk in like this. My mother would kill me.

Leaning my back against a wall I felt the panic quickly take a hold of me. My fingers started feel sweaty and I could feel my heart beating in my chest. Why did have to blow up against Riley so bad? Couldn’t I have just waited until we got out of here? Where did Riley even walk off to in first place? What is even happening to me right now? What am I going to do now that I am all alone? Why can’t I just keep myself in check?!

“Hey? Are you ok?

I closed my eyes for a second trying to regain my bearings. Trying to filter out all the sounds present in this busy Friday night food court I tried to concentrate so I could find a solution out of my predicament. Nothing was coming up right away. I dug deeper and deeper when I could feel the pressure on my chest increasing. I might have just gone a little bit over the line with Riley. Like she was clearly wrong, but her intensions were right. It is all my fault isn’t it. Why do I have to be so stupid all the time, why is my brain so broken!

I suddenly felt somebody rest their arms on my shoulders while their were slowly being moved down to embrace my entire body. As I tried to open my eyes in an attempt to what was going on I could feel the sensation of a fuzzy mess of hair being draped across my face. With my vision returning it became clear to me that it was Rachel’s brown curls that were being brought up right in front of my face as she was giving me a comfortable bear hug.

Rachel used her hand to pat me on my back a few times while whispering “It’s going to be fine Emily”

I didn’t even really know what was happening to me at this point, all I know is that whatever Rachel was doing, it felt really good. A few tears were welling up the corners of my eye. This was already the second time I was crying in only a few hours, what a flippin night it had been so far. Carefully wiping away the few tears in way that it wouldn’t smudge my makeup I actually managed to speak some words of my own. “Thanks Ray, I guess really needed that. Sorry for making you leave your friends”

“Hey now, you don’t have to feel bad. I don’t really know what that fight was about, but it sounded pretty intense. And I’ve seen my fair share of panic attacks to know that you really needed a hug” Rachel calmy explained. “Teammates stick together right?”

Deep inside of me their was a little voice telling to me to run away as fast as possible, but I also knew that Rachel was the only person who could help me right now. While it was probably a longshot, she just might be my ticket home after all. Especially since I did happen to know that she has a license and her own car. I had to just suck it up and swallow my pride right now.

I took a big sip from the diet soda I had just ordered to clear the giant boulder that was lodged into my throat. Looking up at my team captain standing right next to me I asked. “Thanks Ray. I don’t suppose I can ask you for another favor?”

“Whatever you need, I’m here for you” the tall brunette reassured me.

“Well… Riley was kind of my ride here. So would you maybe have the time to drop me off at my house” I said while looking down at my own two feet.

Rachel smiled, “Of course, the match I’m supposed to sub in for starts in 2 hours, I’m sure I can get you home before that”

I hugged Rachel back for a quick second and told her I would go get my stuff I left at the table while she went to over to inform the other hockey girls that she would meet them and at the pitch. Meeting back up with Rachel I gave her my address. Slowly and silently we made our way to the car park, greeted by the brisk New-England winds. Rachel would sometimes look over to me with a slight smile, but I kept my eyes to the ground as I still felt very shook about everything that had just happened. While the chills were moving down my spine I was eventually led to cute little Mini-Cooper that supposedly belonged to Rachel.

As the cold winds made place for the warm interior of Rachel’s car I couldn’t help but think about what I had done to be put in this position in the first place. I felt like a horrible person for what I had said to Riley less than 15 minutes ago, why did I even snap that hard in the first place? And yet here I was, on the precipice of being driven home by someone who I had been deceiving for months. Somebody who had gone out of way to calm me down when was losing it completely, doing so without even being asked to in the first place. How did I even deserve to have friends like these, if I’m being a horrible shithead to all of them.

We were pulling out of the carpark turning slowly turning onto the barely illuminated road outside the mall. Rachel made a quick glance at me while keeping her attention on the road. “Do you want to talk about it?” she calmly asked me while slowing down in front of the intersection.

My first instinct was to say no, as tonight had been quite eventful already. And especially since up to this point Rachel had been nothing but a saint to me, while talking about the fight would inevitably involve me having to lie to her even more. But I also knew there was really nobody else I could talk about this with.

“I don’t know. Do you ever just say something that you immediately regret afterwards?” I told Rachel trying to evade the actual facts of the fight itself.

“Of course, we all do. Remember that scrim where I told Kelsey that she needed to learn to freeze the lane properly instead of squealing like a fat pig every time I left her alone to pull the lane back? We had lost 3 scrims in a row and I was just really fed up with losing so much that I projected it all on to her, I didn’t actually mean what I said in the heat of the moment. Obviously that particular game was as good as over at that point since I tilted Kelsey to the moon and back. But the next day I apologized to her and we carefully went over some replays together to see how could do better next time.”

Driving past a parking lot I could see two people standing next to a car with a slight bit of parking damage. It looked like they were exchanging information while trying to fill out some kind of form on colored paper.

“Of course I don’t exactly know what happened back there, and I’m in no position to pry either. But whatever words were said between you two, It can’t be as powerful as the magical words of ‘I’m sorry’. Especially if it’s between two good friends. And let’s be honest here, who could ever stay mad at that face of yours Emily. Now that I’ve seen that I don’t think I will ever be able to flame you again, no matter how hard you feed.”

While Rachel’s speech was definitely uplifting, it was hard for me to completely agree with it. I could understand her point of course, but her example paled in comparison to the personal jabs I had send Riley’s way today. I let out a big sigh, and once more looked at girl behind the wheel. Realizing the crazy amount of luck on my side to be able to have her as an actual friend.

In all honesty, the only person who I could ever have more personal conversations like this with was Riley. Of course their were some guys here and there I would shoot the shit with sporadically, but I could never build a connection like I could with her. I guess that is also why playing with girls team felt so good. For some reason I had felt a similar connection with them as I did with Riley, and Rachel was kind of proven that point in front of me right now.
“Thanks Ray, you don’t know how badly I needed to hear something like that” I said as we started to get closer and closer to my house. “I’m really looking forward to next week you know”

Rachel gave of a big smile the second I mentioned the bootcamp while sneaking a quick glance at me. “Gosh! Me too em! And the rest of the girls are going to love you, I swear. 2 days of non-stop dota with my all my besties, I can’t imagine anything better”

For a second I closed my eyes while fantasizing about next week with a large grin on my face. Besides me I could hear Rachel ticking her finger tops on the steering wheel as she nervously stuttered “You know… You could… Just maybe… Ask you friend to come as well next week? Only if she wants too of course. Just saying we have the space you know”

Rachels idea caught me quite off guard if I had to be straight. But it wasn’t the worst of idea’s. This way I would have something to offer with my inevitable apology to Riley, and it would be a great help to have someone around who knew of my secret. If anything suspicious happened she could help cover for me. That is if I could convince her to not hate me forever that is…

“Uhm… Yeah, if she wants to of course” I responded to Rachel as I spotted the fact that we just turned into my street. “Oh I guess we are almost there, thank you so much for the ride again.”

“That’s what friends are for” she said while pulling into the cull-de-sac where my house was situated giving me a little wink.

I opened the car door and grabbed my bags. Looking back at Rachel one last time before closing it again while giving a her slight nod. “See you next week”

The Mini then drove off leaving me standing all alone in front of the house. I had noticed that mom’s car was sitting in the driveway so she was definitely home. Now I just needed to figure out how to get into my room without my mom seeing me, as I was really not in the mood to give her an explanation right now.

I decided to sneak around the house, making my way to the backdoor. Doing so I managed to see that the only light burning in the house was coming from my mom’s office. Hoping that she was too engaged with her work to hear me coming home early I slowly opened the door while closing it behind me with great care. Stepping out into the kitchen I spotted some leftover packaging belonging to Chinese take-away food.

Making my way into the hallway however I stepped up onto the first step of stairs and had put just a little bit too much weight on it, causing It creak like old barndoor being opened for the first time in years. Anxiety filled my body as my mothers voice emerged from her office.

“Jason? You’re home already?”

Slowly I put my bags down “Uhm, Yeah. Riley needed to leave early or something” I lied.
“Why do you sound so weird?” My mother said as I could hear her office chair turn on it’s axis around from the other side of the door.

I quickly pretended to have little cough as I mentally reprimanded myself for accidentally answering in my Emily voice. “I think I might be getting a cold, going to go to bed right away!” I yelled in my normal voice as I quickly made my way upstairs two steps at a time.

Arriving upstairs I saw the light shining on the wall before me getting brighter due to my mother opening the door to her office downstairs, the only place in the house with a light on currently. Luckily I had just made over the threshold so she couldn’t actually see me upstairs. Opening the door to my room I shouted down “Goodnight mom!” while slamming it back closed behind me.

I flopped down on my bed, elated about the fact that had managed to enter my room without being stopped. Letting all the stress flow out of body I rolled over to my side causing eyes to spot on of the posters I had hanging on my wall. Thinking for a second about what Riley had said to me I looked at the poster of my favorite StarCraft 2 player, ‘Scarlet’. She was transgender esports player, so I guess it wasn’t the craziest idea right? But if I were like that I would know right? “Ugh… Why does life have to be so complicated” I silently sighed to myself.

“Knock Knock” Feeling like a lightning bolt struck me in the lower stomach I jumped back up from my bed because of the sound of my mom knocking on the door. “Jason? I think you might have taken the wrong bags from the mall” the terror beyond the bedroom walls uttered to me while I could see the doorhandle slowly starting to go down.

“I’m changing!” I yelled out loud and fast. The door handle seemed to stop it’s downwards motion as soon as the air had escaped my mouth while time felt like it had slowed down to crawl. Turning on the light to prevent any more suspicion, I tried to play along with my mother’s beliefs regarding the ownership of the bags. “Just leave it there, Il bring it over to Riley’s tomorrow!”

“Fine, but you better get to bed early to stave off that cold of yours. Don’t want you missing school due to getting sick mister” My mother sternly stated from behind the cover of my bedroom door. I could hear the stairs creak once again as she started making her way back down to her office.

Dodging the final bullet of today’s gauntlet, I could finally take off my clothes and get some proper rest. That could have ended very badly…

***

Over the weekend there were only 2 things on my mind, 2 giant sources of anxiety I didn’t do anything about. I still had not spoken with Riley since the incident, because every time I thought about it, a spontaneous headache of regret would present itself. And in the meantime another anxiety generator in the form of 4 girls from the next town over who couldn’t do anything but talk about finally meeting up kept me from properly relaxing as well. While Rachel had been kind enough not to mention the 2nd part of our encounter, she had let the team know she had encountered a real-life Emily in the wild.

A proper well-adjusted adult would face these problems head on to get it all dealt with as soon as possible, But I was definitely not that. Instead, I had told my mother that the cold was keeping me bedridden, so I had an excuse to spend most of the weekend in my room. Using all that time to simply distract myself from my current life situation by playing Dota 2 non-stop. But as it turns out, hiding from your problems doesn’t put you in the best mental state to perform in your favorite video game. In the 16 games that I had played over the weekend, only 4 of them resulted in a win. Primarily because of me being carried hard in those games. No surprise that when Sunday night scrims were coming up, I wasn’t looking forward to it.

For a second, I even entertained the thought of saying I would be too sick to scrim. But I knew that would just invite a torrent of inquiries from captain Rachel, something that would have been an even worse prospect than playing some scrims while being forced to be social.

Taking a last bite from the ham sandwich I had smuggled into my room earlier I opened my discord looking for our team server. A shiver shot down my back as I viewed the names and pictures of my teammates on the screen, indicating that all of them were already on the voice channel. What if Rachel had told them what a crybaby I had been, and they would all just make fun of me? Before I could complete my mental death spiral however I decide to just make the jump, and without second thought I clicked my right mouse button to enter the channel.

“Hello?” I said into the microphone to announce my presence.

“Hey Em, the others are off getting themselves some snacks and drinks before we get started” I heard the voice of Jade echo through my headphones.

“Rachel said you guys met up at the mall yesterday, and I’m like so looking forward to meeting you in person as well next week” she followed up trying to make some conversation.

I muted my microphone quickly so I could scrape my throat preparing to put on my Emily voice. “Uhm… Yeah for sure. It will be loads of fun.” I responded when activating my microphone again.

Before I could even say anything else though, Jade already started gushing about next week. “Oh my god. You have no idea what Ray and I have planned for you all. Like, we are going to play dotes fo sure. But we are going to do so many more fun teambuilding activities. We really think it’s going to bring us to the next level as a team.”

I decided to Interrupt her monologue, “Jade? You might if we can just focus on the scrims tonight? I’ve had a rough week so don’t really have the mental capacity to think about all that right now.”

I could hear a bit of disappointment in her voice as she responded. “Ok, that’s fine I guess…”

When the other girls returned our scrim partner was already waiting for us allowing us to get the draft started quickly. Being our captain, Rachel would always the take reigns during the drafting stage. Crafting us the perfect team of characters to face our opponents. Nonetheless she would often ask for input from her teammates to judge specific matchups. In our first game of the night for example the opponents’ team consisted of ‘Keeper of the light’, ‘Tiny’, ‘Terrorblade’, ‘Mars’ and ‘Storm Spirit’. Seeing how our team currently consisted of ‘Disruptor’, ‘Nyx Assassin’, ‘Dark Seer’ and ‘Sven’ with our 5th hero yet to be picked. Rachel asked Lizzy what hero she would feel most comfortable facing the Storm Spirit who was presumed to be their mid hero. Lizzy would opt for ‘Shadow Fiend’ as she believed it was great matchup against storm and would get us some much-needed magical burst and team fight control.

As soon we got into the first scrim and Rachel started making calls, it felt like coming home after a long trip. Jade managed to bully our lane opponents incredibly effectively with the help of my Ion Shell and I got pretty much every last hit in the lane on a Dark Seer for Pete’s sake. I was getting completely back in the zone, momentarily forgetting about last week’s events. Due to the strong lanes Rachel had drafted our opponents needed to break up the laning stage as fast as possible. Their rotations were sloppy however and on multiple occasions I would be able to teleport into an attempted gank using my ‘Mechanism’ and ‘Surge’ to keep my teammates alive. With this start we could farm up our items way faster than our opponents. Therefore, it didn’t take long until Kelsey called out that she had her BKB ready and wanted to start taking some towers to open up a Roshan attempt. Rachel popped a smoke of deceit allowing us to catch our opponents completely off guard when they wanted to punish Kelsey for pushing out too far. She got her BKB off before the Mars spear connected, giving me the opportunity to jump in with a Blink, Vacuum, Wall combo. Some amazing follow-up from Kelsey and Rachel than came through using the Sven right clicks and Static Storm, Kinetic field combination to delete the Mars, Tiny and Storm Spirit all in one fell swoop. While this all was happening, Jade had actually managed to scout out the ‘Keeper of the Light’ and ‘Terrorblade’ who were trying to retreat. Stunning the both of them as Lizzy blinked in with her ultimate ability to finish these last two stragglers off as well, completing the full 5-man wipe. From this point on the rest of the game was nothing more than a formality as we quickly took full map control and used the first aegis to destroy the bottom lane of barracks. Only to keep the contain going until we got our hands on the 2nd aegis and closed out the game by the book.

Clearly, we were in sync tonight, as the other two games we played that night were just as successful. While playing on my own I was constantly worrying about what had happened last week, and what was coming up next week. Playing with the girls, however I was just Emily, their fun offlane player from the next town over. These few games had put me in such a positive mood, that when Jade started talking again about the upcoming bootcamp next week, I didn’t feel nervous at all.

“So, Like, on Sunday we are going to be scrimming hard. But on Saturday, it’s going to be teambuilding day. We are going to…”

“Be doing some things that will allow us all to connect on a deeper level due to being more comfortable with ourselves and our teammates.” Rachel interrupted Jade, taking back the lead in the conversation while trying to keep Jade from spoiling the surprise. Rachel’s description was clearly intentionally vague, so figuring out what we would be doing exactly was no use. But whatever it was, I’m sure it would be fine. If Friday night was anything to go by, I had at least 1 person looking out for me.

“Emily? Did you uhm… ask your friend yet if she’s coming along next week?” Rachel suddenly dropped pulling me out of my comfort zone. Yup, still hadn’t dealt with the whole Riley situation, what a shithead had I been. Due to my internal worries however I had completely missed the fact that there were some slight giggles in the background from the other girls as Rachel had asked me that question.

“Not yet, she has been away over the weekend. I will ask her tomorrow.” I lied.

“Ah ok…” Rachel responded, but at this point I wasn’t really paying attention anymore as took a quick look out of my window. Since it was facing the side of street, I could actually see Riley’s house from here. Better yet, her room was also facing streetside so I could pretty much look straight into her room. I could see the light was on, but since the curtains were closed, I had no clue what was happening in there. Red letters on my alarm clock showed 10:00 PM, as peaked at the bags I brought back from the mall 2 days ago.

Instantly making up my mind, I focused back on the sounds coming from my headset where the girls were discussing our games of the night.

“I just think we should give ‘Brewmaster’ support a shot, you saw how much their offlane Brew did while we completely shut him down in lane” Kelsey said trying to make Rachel adopt one of her weird ideas again.

Interrupting the strategy talk I excused myself. “Sorry y’all, I won’t be staying around for the replay review. Have some stuff I need to handle before school tomorrow. “Speak to you all soon” and shut down my computer before any response could come in.

I knew that if started doubting myself even for a second, I wouldn’t go through with this, so I needed to do this now. I made this mess and now I needed clean it up.

Like a speed runner trying to break their personal record I opened one of the drawers in my wardrobe and pulled out some old clothes. I placed the new clothes I got at the mall in the space that had now opened while shoving some other clothes on top of that. The old clothes got stuffed into the plastic bags making my “Excuse” complete.

Hauling the bags under my arm I left my room to make my way downstairs where I got greeted by my mother who was enjoying a glass of wine in front of the television. She was watching some kind of crime investigation program when she spotted her son’s determent face.

“Just dropping these off at Riley’s” I shouted out quickly.

I had already made my way to the central hall as I was looking to leave through the front door when could hear my mother say something to me, about being sure about dropping off the bags now. But I didn’t want to get trapped in an actual conversation with her, so I just kept moving like I didn’t hear anything. Making my way across the street I headed straight for 12ft pole besides the big walnut tree in their front yard, using it to knock down the rope on top of one of the branches.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Riley’s parents. While a bit weird sometimes, they are also some of the nicest people I know. But this was between me and her, so I couldn’t face them before I spoke to her. Especially because there is no doubt Riley will have told them about our fight.

I set down the bags, and tightly gripped on to the rope. Not even thinking about how I was going to get the bags up there I jumped up and put my full weight on the rope instead of the ground. Trying to lift myself up with these noodle arms however was a lot harder than expected and regret started to set in quick. I had only ever used this rope to go down, never up. And now I was finding out exactly why this was the case. Stubborn as I was, I kept trying.

As I got halfway up the rope, a humanoid shape coming around the corner of the house spooked me completely. Before I could even make sense of what was happening, I let go off my grip on the rope causing me slide down rapidly. My butt impacted with the grass and dirt below, making my nerves release painful sensations across my lower backside. My hands also felt just like when I scrapped them over the asphalt due to a cycling accident 2 years ago. Clearly my reflexes trying to regain grip on the rope during my fall, had caused quite the burn.

Trying to regain my senses I could already her laughing for a short second before the same voice started calling out my idiocrasy.

“What in Wayne’s World were you even trying to do there you doofus?”

“Trying to be impulsive for once?” I jested back at Riley while rubbing the palms of my hands on my jeans in an attempt to distract myself from the pain.

“While I admire the gumption, this isn’t quite what I expected from your glorious return” Riley looked at me while shaking her head. “When I said you needed to break out of your shell, I didn’t expect you to take it so literally.”

She slowly walked over to me and offered to help me up by sticking out her hand. I hadn’t even said sorry or anything yet, but she was just standing there, helpful as ever. I could even detect a smile as I moved my gaze upwards to meet hers.

I accepted her hand so she could pull me back on my feet. “I’ll promise to ask for clarification next time,” I said to keep up our little conversational game.

“Now, let’s get inside quickly before anyone sees this hideous face of mine” Riley nudged in the direction of the house’s backyard with her head. I gave her a quick nod of approval as I followed my friend inside to the familiar living room past the backdoor. She was wearing a pink oversized T-shirt and some simple shorts underneath. Her hair was bound up in an immaculate bun on the back of her head, showing off a face that was unusually bare of makeup.

“First we take care of those Clifford-looking paws of yours” She swiftly continued before I could even get a word in myself. Without warning she slathered some kind of cream on my hands telling me to rub it in. Looking around the empty living room I noticed that we were suspiciously alone. It actually was a lot more empty than what I had grown to expect from this family, the only thing out of place was a big pile of neatly stacked boxes in the corner. Had I just really made this whole daring endeavor for no reason? It looks like her parents aren’t even home in the first place.

“That should take care of the burn, now let’s take a seat so we can get started,” Riley said to me armed with a wide grin.

“Get started?” I repeated while cautiously taking a seat on the big brown leather couch.

“Yes, with your apology? That’s why you’re here right? Let's not pretend like this is our first rodeo.”

“You’re… not… angry?” I stammered to the confident girl who had just sat down on the other end of the couch from me.

“I mean, I definitely was. Two days ago. Right now, I’m pretty chill, however….” she nodded her head back and forth while looking up to the ceiling.

Preparing my next sentence I first let out a big sigh. Only to follow it up with my most sincere words of this conversation so far

“I’m sorry”

“There you go! Was that so hard?” Riley mockingly said as she focused her gaze back on me.

“I don’t know… It’s just… I would have…” I was struggling to find my words. This was not what I was expecting this conversation to go like. Why couldn’t she just be properly hurt so she wouldn’t behave so relaxed towards me? Why did she have to be so confident all the time? Me being all sincere felt so out of place now. But now was I wishing I hurt her more? What is wrong with me!?

“I mean it!” I eventually yelled out. “What I said was messed up and I’m honestly surprised you’re not kicking me out right now. We have had arguments before, but not like this.”

“What you said was messed up, but not entirely off base. And did you really think I was about to abandon you in a situation like this? I mean that would be truly messed up on my part too,” she responded.

Thinking back about how I only got home with the help of Rachel I said to Riley “I mean… You kind of abandoned me at the mall when you walked off tossing curly fries in my face.”

She held up her finger and stated “Counterpoint! I was about to come back for you after going for a walk to cool down. But when I returned you were already with that fancy hockey friend of yours. I figured I would give you two some time together and so kept my distance. In fact, I even called my dad to keep an eye out for you coming home so that I knew full well when you got home safe. Those face fries, however, were completely deserved.”

I was honestly baffled hearing this. Had she really waited for like 20 minutes at the mall on her own? Only for her dad to send a message that all was good. That meant she had to wait at least 20 minutes more for her dad to pick her up.

“You did? Why didn’t you say anything?” I uttered.

“Because you clearly needed space. So, I figured I would give that to you.” She reasoned. “You seem to be going through some emotional stuff right now, and after talking about it with my parents it seemed like I might have pushed you a little too hard. A cat trapped in a corner can make wild jumps as they say.”

There was a bit of a comforting silence for a second as both of us pondered about the situation. It was only for a few seconds though before Riley picked up a dark brown pillow to hold on to while she smiled at me.

“Remember the whole Bree situation back in 8th grade? I think I called you an ‘Anti-social sock puppet of despair’ when you told me to stop talking to her.” Riley said with a slight chuckle.

“I was being a Scott Pilgrim level asshole during that time, nobody would have judged you in the slightest for ditching me. But while all my friends of convenience dropped me like a brick, you were still standing right by my side.”

I chuckled a slight bit thinking back about some of the stuff Riley got involved with back in middle school. I guess we have been through harsher fires. Meeting Riley’s gaze I couldn’t help but feel incredibly blessed to have such a great friend. Without even thinking about it, I moved my still-hurt butt to the other side of the couch, so I could rest my body on Riley’s.

Softly I hummed a little melody. “Thank you for being a friend.” While Riley managed to follow up in kind as she sang “Your heart is true you’re a pal and a confidant”

***

As the morning dawn settled down on the quiet Shamesburry suburbs, I woke up in the guest bedroom at Riley’s place. Looking at the clock I calculated that I had only 20 minutes before we would need to head out to catch the bus into downtown. I rolled myself out of the comfy blanket to waggle my way out of the room. Confidently emerging from the bathroom Riley greeted me. “Morning bud, was about to wake you up, are you feeling good?”

She was still dressed in the same pink oversized sleeping shirt, although she had clearly already taken care of her hair and face. The ocean blue eyes being presented as the central piece of her face’s art collection. All framed by 2 long strands of blonde hair going down the side of her face, and a small horizontal braid that kept back her slightly overgrown bangs.

“Uhm, yeah. I'll head home to pick up my stuff first, meet you out front in twenty?” I mumbled back to the chipper morning bird. She stuck out her thumb as a sign of approval before heading into her bedroom to complete the morning metamorphosis.

The New England sun shined bright and finally allowed me to wake up properly when I walked to the other side of the street. Stepping into the kitchen by using the backdoor I spotted my mother who was already wide awake reading her morning papers with an espresso at her side.

“Was it really so hard to at least say where you are going or even to sleep in your own bed?” my caregiver sternly asked. In fact, she didn’t even look up from her newspaper as she said that. “Sorry, I completely forgot that we needed to finish a school project over the weekend.” I lied in an attempt to dissuade further questioning.

My mother, however, didn’t seem too keen on letting me escape the breakfast table. While putting down today’s issue of the financial times she spoke. “And now you had to finish it all at night meaning that most likely its quality won’t exactly be to write home about. When are you going to learn to plan things out properly?” I was about to respond, but she was not letting me interrupt for even a second.

“Clearly you had the time because I hear you yelling at the computer all the time. Anyhow, your dad called. Apparently, his ship is coming into Boston next week, so he wants to see you” she sternly spoke.

Soon after my parents separated my dad started working as a maintenance engineer for big cargo ships. This means that he’s often gone for months as he sails all over the world living and working on these ships. He also has a small apartment in downtown Boston where he stays when he isn’t on the water. I love spending time with him, it's just too bad there is so little time I can spend with him due to his job.

“Oh, that’s cool. I'll Give him a call today," I responded as soon as my mother left some space open in the conversation. Only to be met by her starting to talk again as soon as I finished my sentence."

“I told him about that video game tournament thing you were talking about last week, where you wanted to go instead of grandma’s birthday dinner. Does it have a website or anything? Your dad said he wanted to come.”

“Uhm… a website?” I felt the hairs on my neck stand up as my heart rate increased to match that of a hummingbird. “It’s pretty underground, but uhm… I will send Dad the details.” I quickly said to get my mom off my back. My fight-or-flight response was also rearing its ugly head, meaning that I was instantly looking for a way out of this conversation. I looked at my phone pretending to look up the time as I pleaded to my mom

“I really have to go, I need to get my stuff and catch the bus.” Without waiting for an answer I pushed myself past the kitchen table. Behind me, I could hear my mom shake out the paper again as she resumed her reading.

It only took me 5 minutes to gather everything I needed for another dreadful day of High School education. And before I knew it, my feet touched the well-kept grass of our lawn. I could already see Riley was waiting across the street. Wearing a more casual outfit consisting of a leather jacket over a fitted white T-shirt. Her legs were covered by some light blue jeans on top of white sneakers.

“I know there is a ghost living in that house, but you look like you just met its twin sister in there” she joked as I reached the other side of the street. I sighed in a dramatic fashion and looked at her.

“Shit got more complicated again!” I said while throwing up my arms. “My dad is coming back on land soon and wants to come to the tournament.”

Riley casually shrugged, “That’s in like 3 weeks from now. I’m sure we will think of something by then”

“We?” I asked

She stretched out her arm and put down her hand on top of my hair, only to rough up it in a playful manner saying “And I thought you were supposed to be the smart one”

Riley then angled her head in an inquisitive manner while pointing her index finger at me “About that. During lunch, can I copy some passages off you for that English essay that was due today?”

“Today?” I asked louder.

One would expect that after all the excitement of last week, I’d be enjoying the mundanity of Monday morning classes. Solving formulas during algebra, calculating vectors during physics, and reading about the War of 1812 during history. It wasn’t quite as engaging as the emotional rollercoaster I went through last week. Nonetheless, I needed to keep notes religiously trying to keep myself in my mother’s good graces.

But instead of thinking about redcoats burning down the White House, my mind was already fixated on the future. Hanging out with the team in Battingham this weekend, and potentially going down to Boston to see my father in 2 weeks. Heck, the weekend after would already be the LAN tournament. It was almost like I had an actual life for a change.

When lunchtime finally rolled around, Jade messaged me a reminder to ask Riley if she wanted to come along to the boot camp. Why wasn’t Rachel the one who was reminding me though? It was a bit odd since it was her idea to ask Riley in the first place. But they were probably all having lunch together as well right now. Therefore, I reasoned to myself that they were probably just talking about it in person .

“The goop is good today,” Riley remarked as she suddenly sat down at the other side of the table without me actively noticing. Today’s lunch consisted of vegetarian green curry with rice. And it clearly was to Riley’s taste as she had loaded quite the portion size on her plate.

“Eh, it’s fine. I’ve had better” I responded to her while looking down at the meager amount of food I had brought back to the table myself. For some reason, I wasn’t feeling hungry at all today. Not that I had the time to eat a proper meal, since there was still an English essay I needed to write on the spot.

“It’s not Rasheed’s level of amazing, but it’s definitely better than the greasy mess we are normally served,” Riley said in the slight interval that existed in between her shoveling food into her mouth and devouring it with vigor.

I had taken a notebook and pen out of my bag and started to work on my emergency English homework. Before I managed to put a single word to paper, however, I looked over at my curry-destroying friend.

“So… uhm… that bootcamp thingy this weekend. Would you maybe… like to tag along?” I cautiously asked before the tiny amount of courage left my body. “You can see it as a fun weekend away from home. To make up for last Friday. Rachel, the girl who gave me right home insisted I would ask you.” I said, trying to clarify my offer.

Riley had a visible look of confusion drawn across her face as I could see her trying to remember the tiny interaction she had with Rachel. “Where was this bootcamp again?” she asked in a surprisingly sincere manner.

“Battingham, they rented out a room at a PC-café and we will be sleeping at Rachel’s. Her parents own a proper mansion from what I understood so there should be more than enough space for all of us.”

As I spoke the word Battingham it almost looked like Riley’s ears perked up like those of a dog hearing the mailman walk by.

“Yeah sure, why not. It’s not like I got anything better to do this weekend” she responded. I was about to inquire further by asking why Battingham in particular made her interested, but seeing the clock hanging above the green cafeteria doors my priorities shifted in an instant. I had only 15 minutes to write this essay before Ms. Pearson would personally shift down my class participation grade. So I need to get on this now.

***

I was stepping on the cracked asphalt past the familiar homes decorated with wood paneling. However, all of my attention was currently focused on my phone. Instead of enjoying the pretty colors of fall-shaded leaves that had dropped down from the oaks lining the small road deeper into the suburb. I was trying to find an ancient function by the name of a ‘Phone Call’ on the smartphone firmly grasped between my two small hands.

“Hey, Dad! How are the oceans treating you” I said as I held my cracked phone screen close to my ear. After two earlier attempts, the man had finally picked up. He already called me back on the bus ride home, but I decided I would call when walking back home from the bus stop. It just always felt so incredibly awkward speaking with somebody on the phone around other people.

“Ahoy kiddo, the water has been wonderful. Thanks for asking. Everything is still nice and dandy with you and your mom?” I could hear my father’s rough voice respond to me on the other end of the line. It was almost like you could hear his bushy beard brush against the microphone ever so slightly.

“Good as it can be. But I’m mostly excited to hear you’re coming back on land soon.” I responded trying to steer the conversation away from my mother. If he wanted to know about her, he could just call her instead.

“That’s good to hear, I have missed you too Jase. The ship will be coming into port in about 8 days if the schedule holds up. And I don’t have any jobs lined up yet afterward, so we should have more than enough time to catch up” my dad said.

“Oh, could I come down to Boston at the end of next week already? Riley apparently has something with her parents that weekend and I don’t really feel like staring at walls lonely and alone for the whole weekend. Would the ship still be unloading around that time? You promised me a tour one day” I enthusiastically spouted. After all the passive-aggressive comments from my mom, I could really use some honest father-son time now.

“Slow down there bucko” My dad interrupted me with a slight chuckle under his voice. “You are more than welcome to swing by next week. But only on one condition”

“And that is?”

“You tell me exactly where that big gaming tournament you’re playing in takes place. I get you don’t want to let your old man down in case it isn’t a success. But a dad needs to see his son compete. I’m sure you’re going to do great, even though I will probably have no idea what’s happening while you’re playing.”

The idea of my dad coming to the game was something that horrified me deep inside my core, But I also knew that saying no was not an option. My dad was incredibly good at sniffing out anything that was troubling me. Asking him not to come was going to set him off no doubt. Making the likelihood of him uncovering my crossdressing secrets even greater. I could always send him a fake address if I really couldn’t figure anything else out.

“Yes, of course. I will text you the info.” I mumbled to my dad.

“Looking forward to it! Now tell me, has anything else exciting happened in your life over the last few weeks?”

“Nothing really, life has been pretty boring.” I lied to him.

***

“Are you sure all your homework for next week is done? No nighttime projects you forgot about?” my mother asked, standing underneath the door frame to block my exit. Both her hands were resting on her hips wrapped in one of her signature black pencil skirts. “I don’t want you using this as an excuse to slack off.”

“No Mom, I have taken care of everything. Have I ever made you worry about me?” I asked while zipping up a blue sports bag and testing its weight.

My mother let out an exaggerated sigh “Please look at me when you are talking to me, Jason. You have acted a little weird over the past week. So yes, you have made me worry a little bit. But frankly, I don’t have the time to do so. That’s why I’m going to assume it’s just because of this silly little camping trip.”

Turning around to face my mother, I was confronted with a steel gaze that had become eerily familiar to me over the years. She was speaking her truth and wanted me to know it too. Almost literally swallowing my pride, I put forth my best obedient son voice. “I promise everything is fine and you don’t have to worry about me.” Only to slightly slouch down while displaying a bit of annoyance in my voice “Can I go now?”

Without making an audible response my mother stepped back from underneath the door frame and waved me through with her hand.

“Thank you,” I said and picked up the sports bag secretly packed with the new clothes I got at the mall.

My mother had been watching me like a hawk this whole week so far while judging me harshly for anything she didn’t like. Escaping her clutches for this weekend was something I had really been looking forward to. Not to mention the fact that I didn't have an opportunity to wear my new clothes either and was curious how it would feel wearing them out and about for the whole weekend.

I walked down towards the kitchen to reach the backdoor connecting to the backyard. Behind me, I could hear my mother’s heels clicking on the laminate flooring as she was following me down. Reaching the kitchen, I looked back up to her one last time before heading into a potentially crazy weekend. It had been exactly one week ago when I met Rachel for the first time, and that was not under the best circumstances. Soon I would have to deal with all 5 of them for a whole weekend, and I didn’t even know what the exact plans were going to be. At least I didn’t have to face it completely alone.

Riley was leaning against the glass-topped kitchen table and stood back up straight after she spotted me coming through the door from the hallway. “Ready to go?” she piped up enthusiastically.

I could see Riley’s mood noticeably shift as I heard my mother enter the kitchen behind me. Trying to leave the house as quickly as possible I nodded toward Riley and continued my way heading into the backyard. While being met with the chilly winds outside I turned around one final time to face my mother. “See you again on Sunday night!” and waved her goodbye.

***

“Is it bad to say that I have never seen your mom smile since your folks separated?” Riley said as we entered her room. “I really don’t understand how she can be so bitter all the time.”

Riley’s room looked neater than normal, most likely because she had cleaned up a bit when packing for the weekend. Her bag was already ready and waiting on top of her bed. Scanning my surroundings though, I swiftly focused on something completely different. It was the mirror that had given me that overly emotional experience last week, something that I had been thinking about constantly this week.

Noticing my complete apathy to her inquiry, Riley decided to answer her own question. “It's a shame your mom stuck around instead of your dad; he was the fun one.”

An instinctive feeling of wanting to defend my caregiver made its way into my brain. Only to be pushed away by that mesmerizing mirror. I couldn’t help but feel drawn towards it, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

“Hey hey, the mirror reveal is only going to be at the end. Basics first, so strip” Riley said boldly. Her words awakened me from my momentary trance, and I instantly started to follow my friends’ orders. Going through all the same steps as we did last week, I started by taking a shower while Riley was getting the black jumpsuit we bought at the mall ready.

No longer being oblivious to what this makeover business entailed exactly should have made me less anxious, and in a way it did. But now much of this anxiety has made a place for a feeling of anticipation. Instead of dreading the result, I was somehow looking forward to it. That is probably also why these 15 minutes felt like a complete blur from which I can’t even recall a single phrase Riley must have spoken to me. All but one thing, the words she spoke when her work was done and I stood in front of that mirror once again.

“There is Emily.” And for the slightest moment, it all clicked into place. A feeling only matched by the one from the same moment last week. But it was no longer overwhelming, instead, it was comforting. Like this was how it always should have been. There I was, Emily

Through the mirror’s reflection, I looked at Riley’s face that now resembled that of a mother bird seeing her young fly for the first time. Only to think back to the reason for last week’s fight. Did she… maybe… have a point?

Fear can be such an incredibly basic sensation. Your body and brain detect danger, making you change your current actions into doing something to steer away from whatever it is that is causing the fear. It can make you run away from a dog that is behaving in an aggressive manner. It can make you run away from a bully who wants to ruin your day. It can even make you run away from your own mother and her judgmental gaze. All of this seems easy enough. But what if you’re afraid of something closer to home? What If you’re afraid of something you can’t run away from? What if you are afraid of yourself?

I really want to just come into this weekend and enjoy myself. To let all the stress of life just fall away. But with every mile closer we got to the town of Battingham, so was my mind getting closer to a state of total collapse. Because if Riley was right, if I was indeed trans, what kind of life would I even have? Potentially losing every single person in my life, becoming a pariah to general society, and being stuck taking drugs for the rest of my life. However, I couldn’t deny that deep inside that crazy brain of mine there was a tiny little voice. Emily’s voice. A voice that completely terrified me and couldn’t run away from. Because Emily’s voice was my voice.

Having opened this Pandora's box for myself and feeling its consequences had made one thing clear for me though. Don’t tell anybody about it. Because once this cat is out of the bag, it’s never going back in. Whatever I do, wherever I am, and whoever I’m with. If this gets out it will take permanent residence in the heads of my peers, making them think differently of me forever. So instead of thinking of more idioms and sayings that communicated my current thoughts, I sought to focus on the here and now.

Looking out of the window on my left, rows of trees were forming a barrier hiding away a beautiful prize. Behind them flowed the mesmerizing Merrimack River like a blue piece of yarn hiding in an otherwise orange-red colored sweater. While on my right Riley was deeply entrenched in her own musical world through the power of noise-canceling headphones. Since we have been joined at the hip for as long as I can remember, we have learned to respect one another’s tiny moments of ‘me time’. But while for the last 45 minutes, I had been alone with my own thoughts, our imminent arrival was about to free me from my inner monologue.

I gave Riley a little poke in her side as the bus entered downtown Battingham. “We are almost at our stop,” I said while calculating that it would be about 5 minutes before we arrived at the place where Rachel said to pick us up.

She looked me in the eyes while slowly pushing back her headphones, allowing them to rest on her neck. Slightly muffled by the jazzy tones coming from those same headphones, Riley answered sheepishly. “Eh…? Oh! That was a lot quicker than I expected it to be.” And looked down at her phone to check the time.

When we left the bus, it took me mere seconds before I spotted a tall brunette standing next to a small mini cooper in the parking lot close by. I gave a little wave to Rachel while we made our way over.

“Hey there! good to see you again!” Rachel said while nervously rubbing her thumb into the palm of her other hand. Her curly hair looked to be even more voluminous compared to last week, and her clothes looked a bit more put together as well. She was wearing a brown corduroy skirt with a big white turtleneck sweater. Looking down at her legs I could see a slight shake even though they were covered in dark wool tights. Clearly, this weekend had even made my ever so confident Team Captain nervous. Because there was no way she was shaking due to the non-existent cold.

Riley looked to be a little distracted watching all the old buildings of downtown Battingham around her. And since she would normally take the lead in pretty much any social interaction there was a slight pause before I decided to pick up the metaphorical tab myself and greeted Rachel. “Hi! Thanks again for planning this whole weekend, I’m very curious about what you have planned.”

“And uhm… I’m also happy that you decided to tag along. Riley, it was right?” Rachel said with her eyes pointed towards my friend, pretty much completely ignoring my greeting. For a second, I thought it was a bit strange how she acted. But I figured she was simply trying to make the person who she didn’t really have a connection with feel more included.

Hearing her own name Riley was brought back to the present and responded to Rachel without a second thought. “Yup, that’s me. This little doofus here told me y’all got a space and who am I to say no to a weekend of fun? Or at least, that is what I was promised” she said while putting her hand on my shoulder.

“Oh yes, it’s going to be fun for sure. Everybody else is already at my place, so let’s not keep them waiting too long.”

***

The girls would often make little jokes to Rachel about living in a ‘McMansion’ and arriving at her family’s house instantly made me realize why. Their home was built into a little artificial hill creating a ground floor that almost felt part of that same hill. At the back of the house, there was a little dent dug out of the hill to make place for a white marble terrace where I could already see the girls enjoying the last few days of decent weather of the year. The wood paneling was colored a bright white and the giant 3 story building was towering over the people seated at the terrace below.

“Emily! You’re here!” a high-pitched voice I recognized as Lizzy’s gleefully shouted when we came around the back of Rachel’s house. Before any proper nerves could set in, an excited girl with fiery red hair ran over and embraced me tightly. I felt a little uncomfortable with the overwhelming amount of affection suddenly thrust upon me.

“You are exactly like Rachel described” Lizzy’s voice emerged from the ginger girl wearing a big smile on her face.

Behind Lizzy, a very short girl no bigger than 5’1 walked over. Her hair was a similar golden blonde as Riley’s but a lot shorter and had some more layers to it. I quickly identified her voice as Jade’s when she spoke with a slight valley girl accent. “Hey Emmy, very cool that you could make it.”

There was one more person already present on the terrace, who according to my process of elimination had to be Kelsey. Built with broad shoulders and firm hips she shuffled over last and looked unsure of how to approach the situation. Her black hair was done up in a long fishtail braid that came halfway down her back. She gave me a simple smile and chose not to speak over a very excited Lizzy.

“It’s so weird that we have been playing together for months and this is the first time I’m seeing your face! I can’t believe you have been hiding yourself from us for so long. Because girl, you got nothing to hide” the redhead said winking cheekily.

Was this really the moment I had been dreading over the last few weeks? Compared to the internal strife I experienced on the bus ride earlier; this was a cakewalk. It was very comforting instead. These girls had become great friends I hung out with on a regular basis, why had I been so scared to meet them? Probably because I had been lying to them the entire time, but as long as they didn’t know, it was fine. No harm no foul as they say.

“Thanks, it’s great to see you all for the first time!” I said while I took a seat to join them on the terrace. “This place is huge!” I followed up attempting to steer the conversation away from myself.

The other girls quickly caught on to my social strategy and didn’t even entertain my comments on the house for a second. Instead, it was Lizzy who fired a barrage of questions my way, almost making me feel like I was being questioned by an overeager police officer. What it’s like living in Shamesburry, If I have any brothers or sisters, and where I bought that fabulous jumpsuit. I simply had no choice but to answer them since Lizzy’s resolve seemed limitless.

“What about boys? Are there any cute Shamesburry boys that we should know about?” She suddenly brought up smirking at me.

This was not a question I was prepared for in the slightest. Luckily my stammering was quickly interrupted by Jade who chimed in. “Liz! You can’t just ask that! How about we talk about your boy troubles instead?”

It was almost like Jade had noticed that I had grown a little exhausted with all the questions being thrown my way and used this opportunity to turn the conversation around. I was elated that Jade’s social awareness had saved me from this awkward line of questioning Lizzy had introduced.

With my romantic life off the table, it didn’t take long before the girls would start sharing stories and explaining little in-jokes among them. Apparently, Lizzy’s mother hated the fact that she didn’t use her full name outside of the house. So, whenever her family was around the group all needed to switch to calling her ‘Elizabeth’ instead. And they would often use this as a bargaining chip, threatening to call her Lizzy when her family was around as well.

“It just makes me sound so old!” Lizzy yelled out after Jade called her by her full name jokingly, while the redhead’s arms were flailing around in multiple directions to express her dissatisfaction. I couldn’t help but chuckle a bit from the interaction. Seeing Lizzy’s hyperactive behavior in real life made it feel even more intense compared to what I had already experienced online.

“The years are counting girl. You just got your driver’s license, before you know it there will be a ‘baby on board' Jade shot back at Lizzy calmly. Her protectiveness and confident demeanor formed a perfect foil for Lizzy’s chaos.

“I believe none of us are ready for that. Just this 1 Lizzy is already more than enough to deal with” Kelsey carefully interjected into the conversation. Both me and Jade couldn’t help but laugh while Lizzy looked slightly embarrassed knowing that she could indeed be a bit much sometimes. While timid and shy, Kelsey’s words never lied. She was like a silent monk, only speaking sometimes, but dispensing great wisdom, or great comedic timing, when she did.

Looking around the table, I couldn’t help but miss some people. I had been so absorbed with all the questions these 3 had been asking me, I didn’t even see where Riley and Rachel had gone off to. I turned around to look through the big glass doors separating the inside of the house from this outside terrace but couldn’t spot them. However, Lizzy did notice me looking around and didn’t waste a single moment to ask me what was going on.

“What are you looking for?” She asked me with raised eyebrows.

“Do you know where Rachel and my friend went? I assumed they were just dropping off some stuff inside, but that was more than 15 minutes ago.” I said while looking down at my phone. Turning my head to face the house, I was once again confronted with how huge it was. “They couldn’t have gotten lost right?” I joked back towards the group.

A mischievous smile emerged across Lizzy’s face “Oh Rachel got lost alright? Lost in your friends’ eyes that is.”

All the girls laughed loudly after Lizzy’s comment, but my own face showed nothing but confusion. Was there another in-joke here I didn’t know about?

Jade took note of my confusion and decided to bring me into the fold. “Why do you think Rachel insisted you ask your friend to come along? Big Miss Perfect has been crushing hard on that Riley girl. She hasn’t been able to talk about anything but her for like a week.”

"But wait… Did Rachel just assume that Riley..." I was thinking out loud, and I could see Lizzy’s eyes growing twice as big in anticipation of what I was about to say. But patience clearly wasn’t her strong suit, so it wasn’t surprising to hear her demanding an answer when I didn't finish my sentence right away.

"That Riley is what? Into girls? Girls and boys? Open to anything? Are you saying Rachel might have a shot here?" The girl’s enthusiasm was through the roof. Very impressive, considering we were currently outside. Realizing I had already said too much, and backing out wasn't really an option if I didn't want Lizzy hounding me all weekend. I decided to come clean.

"To be honest, we don’t really talk about relationship stuff anymore. There was an incident all the way back in 8th grade. And I’m not sure if she’d be okay with me telling you all about it," I responded, trying to satisfy their curiosity. Lizzy looked unsatisfied, however, and she was about to demand more information, but a judgy glance from Jade made her rethink that course of action.

Instead, Kelsey looked over at the other two girls disapprovingly and said to them, "Rachel kind of made us promise not to tell anybody." Following her statement, she let out a big sigh and continued. "But she also turns into a nervous wreck around her crushes, so I guess you were going to find out soon enough anyway."

We all nodded in agreement. Looking back, it was so obvious, the way she ran off at the mall when Riley came over; she must have been head over heels right away. And while I probably shouldn’t mess with Commander Rachel’s 'Prime Directive,' knowing about it would help me navigate this hedge-maze of budding romance for the weekend. I was just a little scared that this extra complication might make things more complex than they could have been.

Over time, the mood had grown slightly mellower as the sun slowly started to go down on the horizon. It would take ten more minutes before Rachel and Riley finally emerged from within the house. Rachel still looked exactly as flustered as when she was picking us up earlier, while Riley seemed quite oblivious to the whole situation.

"What took you two so long?" I asked them, trying to understand the current state of things.

"Rachel decided to give me a tour of the mansion and an in-depth review of all you lovely folks attending the weekend festivities," Riley answered with a bit of her signature smugness.

She held her finger up to her lips before using it to scan the room. "So, if I understood correctly, we have… Lizzy, Jade, Kelsey, and of course, my bestie, Emily," she said while keeping her finger pointed at me for a fair bit longer.

"Correct!" shouted Lizzy as soon as Riley was done talking. "But I don’t think it’s fair that you know what Rachel told you about us, but we know nothing about you." She continued grinning from ear to ear.

I could see that Rachel was about to speak up, but before she could say a word, she was already interrupted. Riley immediately accepted Lizzy's challenge. "Oh, don't worry. I'm an open book, and we have a full weekend ahead of us. Soon enough, you will know me better than you ever would have wanted to," she said confidently while grabbing a big oak chair and pontifically sitting down.

Before another round of interrogation from Lizzy could begin, however, Rachel managed to find her words again. "Uhm… Does anybody want anything to drink? We should have food coming in soon as well."

Unsurprisingly, pretty much all of us were content with some sodas. But I had understood this question as an opportunity to get some one-on-one time with Rachel myself. And some words definitely needed to be said before she or Riley did anything stupid that would sidetrack this entire weekend.

I stood up and insisted on helping Rachel get the drinks, quickly following her inside. For a moment, I got distracted by the house's sprawling interior. Every piece of furniture seemed to be meticulously designed to fit the space. We walked past a dining table that appeared to be constructed out of a single walnut log, with some bark still attached as a nod to the table's origin. A big bouquet of flowers stood firmly in the table's center. Six dark brown chairs surrounded the table itself, perfectly measured out.

The dining room flowed into the kitchen in a very organic manner. Instead of a simple door separating the two spaces, a giant railing carrying a large wooden slab was slid in front of one of the white walls of the dining room, allowing us to walk right through a four-meter-wide gap where the brown laminate from the living and dining areas made way for the black and gray laminate chevrons of the kitchen floor.

I spotted Rachel opening a fridge so big that it could house entire families. "How can I help?" I asked the beanstalk on the other side of a finely crafted kitchen island.

She closed the fridge as she took out a large bottle of diet coke. "There are glasses in the cabinet over there. Take the big round ones," she commanded me while pointing to a dark turquoise cabinet to my right.

I opened the cabinet, briefly removing Rachel from my field of view. While grabbing the glasses, I realized how little time I had for this conversation and therefore needed to act fast. Without even having closed the cabinet yet, I let the words escape my mouth. "And how can I help with your crush on Riley?"

I might not have been able to see her face, but the sound of a wobbly soda bottle revealed to me that she had not expected this question. I found the glasses and closed the cabinet, allowing me to see Rachel's surprised face. "How did you know? You didn’t say anything to Riley, did you?" she responded in an almost authoritative manner.

Instinctively raising my hands, I looked straight into two fearful dark brown eyes. Whatever was going on in her head, it wasn’t the usual confidence of the control freak I knew by the name of Rachel. "Lizzy accidentally told me. I haven’t said anything to Riley about it. And I promise I won’t tell before you give me the green light," I said, trying to calm her down.

Rachel rested her hand on the kitchen counter while briefly turning her gaze towards the ground. "Thanks… Ugh… I hate the person I become in situations like this… And it even made me completely forget about you! Sorry that I am being so weird. Like… I don’t even know if Riley, you know… Swings that way?" she said in a pleading tone while looking back up at me.

It honestly felt quite empowering to hear her say that. Normally, Rachel is incredibly confident and knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. But now I was the one in control somehow. For once in my life, I felt confidence in myself.

"Oh, you're good there. She swings whatever way the wind is blowing. But you will definitely need some help. So let me propose a deal," I said while holding up one of the glasses I had taken earlier. "I will be your wingman and help you get Riley's attention, and you will be my wingman to prevent me from making a complete fool of myself with the other girls."

A comfortable smile appeared across Rachel’s face, allowing her to release a small chuckle.

"Wingwoman."

"Wingwoman?" I responded.

"You said wingman; let’s be wingwomen instead," Rachel said, winking at me. For a slight second, I feared that she had already seen through my disguise, and that this was a way of subtly letting me know. But with my newfound confidence, I managed to get past these fears and just nodded along with my friend.

"Wingwoman it is," I replied, making a fake toast.

***

The sun had truly disappeared, now hidden far below the horizon. A brightly lit, full moon had taken its place, contrasting with the darkness of the night sky. While the mosquitoes had taken full ownership of the terrace outside, the girls and I had taken up residence in the house’s grand living room.

"There is no way!" Riley said while shaking her head. "You can't hit a ball hard enough to have your stick break. This is one of the worst humblebrags I have ever heard."

"Oh no, for real, it happens often enough. But it’s more the fact that the stick just wears out over time, so it just snaps after a certain amount of hits," Kelsey responded, sitting in a brown leather recliner.

"You’re making fun of us, but don’t underestimate the ferocity of a game of field hockey. You will see for yourself tomorrow," Jade said from her spot on the far end of the gray L-shaped couch.

Rachel was sitting right next to Jade and gave her a playful punch on the shoulder. “Jade! That was supposed to be a surprise!”

Jade simply laughed it off. “They were going to find out tomorrow anyway.” She then turned toward me and Riley, who were sharing a smaller gray couch next to Kelsey’s chair. “We arranged a special pickup game at our high school's hockey field to get you in on some of that physical team spirit,” she said while giving us a slight wink.

Worrying about the prospect of having to put on special workout clothes I didn’t even bring or having to share a dressing room with the girls caused my anxiety to spike suddenly. Luckily, I had a guardian angel who jumped to my defense immediately.

“We all love surprises, but I don’t know if this is the greatest idea. Us two doofuses didn’t really pack anything for something like that,” Riley said, attempting to force a change of plans.

Lizzy also decided to butt in and revealed another part of tomorrow’s team-building activities. “You don’t think our grand captain wouldn’t anticipate something so obvious, would you? You will have exactly what you need after we pick up our team jerseys tomorrow.”

Rachel nodded. “While I think the title of grand captain might be a bit too much, Lizzy is speaking the truth for once. Everything is prepared; we even got a special jersey for our latest addition to the crew,” she said while trying to meet Riley’s gaze at the end.

“You can’t just give me a jersey that says ‘Air Bud’ on it,” Riley joked, causing everybody to laugh out loud, imagining Riley as a Golden Retriever.

I looked around at everybody around me and then towards the big white circle of light shining through the glass. The window showed a reflection of all six of us, just sitting around having fun together. My eyes eventually found the reflection of myself, just another girl among this ordinary group of teens. I had been so worried preparing for this; I had been so worried even on the bus ride here. But if this was the life I wanted to have, was that really something to fear? Because right now, it felt like it always should have been like this.

I looked down at two unfamiliar shoes running on a green surface that resembled a carpet made from artificial grass. My hands were gripping an L-shaped piece of sports equipment, and looking to my right, I could see a white ball making its way to my exact position. I crossed over a curved white line on the ground while stopping the plastic ball in its tracks using my stick. A high-pitched voice yelled out behind me, but due to my concentration on the physical activity, I was unable to make out the words. The ball was now gliding on the smooth green field, accelerated by my stick that I was pushing along with. I focused my gaze on a black plank of wood below a white net, which was draped to the back of a rectangular goal in front of me. Completely ignoring the bulky humanoid figure standing between me and the wood, I pushed all my strength into the ball. As my stick left the ground, the ball sped towards its goal, connecting with the wood with a loud crack. The figure standing in front of me was unable to stop the ball, and cheers of joy erupted behind me.

“YES! Nice shot, Emily!” I could hear Lizzy yell. This time, I was able to understand her speech, having untethered my focus from the physical concentration of playing field hockey.

“Impressive,” Kelsey stated from behind the mask of her goalie outfit. While removing the mask, she stepped out of the goal, laying her hand on my shoulder. She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows while looking at me, “Are you sure you have never played before?”

Before responding to her, I glanced down at my feet. Looking back towards Kelsey, I shot her a little wink, “Nope, but I guess you weren’t lying when you told me these are your lucky shoes.”

***

“Like, just trust me on this one; I know it’s the blue wire,” Jade told the group while holding a small pair of scissors. We were standing in a small room with walls covered in all kinds of danger stickers. In the center of the room stood a large cylindrical device with plexiglass tubes attached to its sides. LED lights shone from within the tubes, and in the middle of the device, there was a large metal console connecting six differently colored wires.

On the other side of the device, Rachel was reading a little booklet while literally scratching her head. “I don’t know... What if it’s the green one? We haven’t ruled that one out yet,” she said nervously, her eyes constantly switching between the booklet, the device, and Riley.

“I don’t think we have time for this, y'all,” Riley said, shaking her head. She was standing between Rachel and a big red timer that had 20 seconds left on it but didn’t seem phased in the slightest.

Holding a pair of scissors of her own, Lizzy couldn’t stand the tension anymore. “Jade is right. Let’s just go blue!” Without anyone being able to respond, she cut the blue wire extruding from the console. All the lights on the device suddenly turned off, and we collectively breathed a sigh of relief.

"That could have gone worse," I said, throwing up my hands. Not even having finished my sentence, all the lights on the device suddenly lit back up, with the timer behind it now displaying '00:03.' We all yelled out in terror before a loud boom played on a set of speakers in the room, indicating that we had lost the game. Riley looked at me and said, "Could it?" making the room erupt in laughter.

***

The sun was slowly lowering itself down to the horizon, casting long shadows over the riverside park. A slight difference in elevation caused the water from the park's basin to drop into the river, forming a tiny waterfall. It had been a very warm day for this time of year, the perfect weather for me to be wearing that wonderful yellow dress Mia recommended to me last week.

Having spent the entire day doing all sorts of activities with the girls, it felt nice to find a little moment of solace. I wasn't used to this kind of weekend full of friends and fun. So, while it had been scary at first, I wouldn't want to have it any other way. It was, however, incredibly tiring. This weekend had felt like I was stepping into another life, a better life. But I also couldn't help but think about the volatility of that better life. For I felt like I was living on borrowed time. Once my deception was revealed, this would all be over in an instant.

There was another option though, but I wasn't sure if I liked that option. I couldn't help but think of that fight with Riley again and again. Slowly her words had burrowed deep into my brain. That same question of hers, constantly begging for an answer. "If you could choose to live your life as Emily or Jason, what would you choose?" A question that seemed simple at first, like it was nothing more than a button I could press. However, it had become incredibly complicated over time. Since if I had to be honest, especially looking back at the last 24 hours, I would say Emily. A reality that was currently scaring the life out of me.

Suddenly, I could hear laughter coming from behind the tree line, indicating that my time of solemn introspection had come to an end. The entire gang had returned from their little expedition to "Moe's Italian Sandwiches" and brought along bags of delicious food loot. All of them insisted that I try the "Original," and before I knew it, a large sandwich containing olives, salami, pickles, and much more found its way into my hands.

The delicious aromas from the sandwich quickly filled my nose, but I didn't feel like eating at all. I was already completely filled up with doubts, so there was no space for this Italian masterpiece. My doubtful eyes met Riley's relaxed gaze, and somehow, she immediately understood that something wasn't quite right. "Emmy and I are going to explore the park for a bit; see you in 15?" she said to the group.

Rachel looked slightly saddened by Riley's announcement, but Kelsey already nodded as a sign of approval. Not even waiting for any further response, we immediately walked off together, sandwiches still in hand.

The first two minutes of our walk were silent, but when we reached an old bridge that crossed the river, Riley turned to me. “So… What’s up? I would recognize that worrisome look of yours anywhere. Just tell me about today’s anxiety demon, and I will slay it for you,” she asked while making fake punching motions in the air.

I let out a little sigh, mentally preparing myself for this tough conversation. “I don’t really know how to say it. It’s hard. Just promise me you won’t be weird about it, okay?” I could see Riley was about to respond, but before she did, I remembered who I was talking to and added, “Or gloat about it!”

A confident smile appeared on her face. “You know me too well. Look, you don’t have to protect me from Rachel’s romantic pursuits; I can handle myself. I won’t be a Bree.”

Dumbfounded by the direction this conversation suddenly took, I held up my hands. “No! That’s not what I wanted to talk about. Even though I am surprised that you figured that out already. But no, that’s a conversation for another time,” I said while shaking my head.

Confusion found its way to Riley’s expression as our feet found the other side of the riverbank. “Wait, then what is this about? Everything has been pretty great so far?”

“A little too great. I think you might be right,” I said, trying to get it all out of the way quickly.

“Of course, I’m always right, but what are you talking about specifically…”

“Last week when you…” I tried to jog her memory.

I could see that she was actively thinking back until her face suddenly shifted into a more serious expression. “Oh! You mean… Is this like… a coming out thing?” she responded cautiously.

Seeing her connect the dots made a massive lump of anxiety lodge itself in my throat. So, all I could really do was nod while biting my lip.

Riley stopped in her tracks and turned towards me. My anxiety reached peak levels as anything could happen at this point. I almost expected her to get angry for a second, to once again receive a fresh serving of face fries.

Luckily, this wasn’t what happened. Instead, she held out her arms and pulled me in for a warm embrace. While holding me tightly, she calmly whispered into my ear, “Thank you for letting me know how you feel. I just want you to know that this doesn’t have to change anything between us.”

I felt a strange kinship with that small waterfall in the distance as some tiny tears escaped from behind my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I told my friend while hugging her back.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, buddy,” Riley reassured me. “I will always be there for you.”

I think we must have stood there for a full 10 seconds before we finally let go of each other. I carefully wiped away my tears in such a way that it wouldn't smear my makeup too much.

"Please don't tell anybody else about this. Not even your parents. I'm not sure what's going on with me, and I need some time to figure it all out," I pleaded with Riley.

She wrapped her arm around my back and across my shoulder as we continued walking along the gravel path. "Of course. I won't tell anybody. This is your truth to tell," she responded while rubbing my shoulder affectionately.

I took a big bite from my sandwich, and over the next few minutes, I slowly started to explain some of the feelings I had experienced over the last week, especially what I had felt over the last day.

After 10 minutes, my sandwich was fully finished. Riley had been nodding along to my story, and at this point, I felt a lot calmer. "It's just... I know that I probably am... you know? But I am just so scared of it all," I said, trying to sum up my feelings to her.

"Yeah, this doesn't sound like an easy thing to go through. But maybe... look at the bright side? It's better to figure this out about yourself now than in 20 years," Riley shrugged while kicking a little piece of gravel into the bushes.

While she had a point, currently it was too hard for me to acknowledge that point. When your whole world flips upside down, hypotheticals don't feel as relevant anymore.

In the distance, I could already see stone benches where the girls were waiting for us. Riley had clearly taken note of this as well, making us stop one final time. "Are you sure you're going to be fine? I could come up with some kind excuse to get us out of here."

I shook my head. "I'm fine. Like I said, being here makes me feel more comfortable than I have ever been at home. I wouldn't like to be anywhere else. Or, more importantly, with anybody else. It's amazing to have a friend you can trust blindly."

We both smiled at each other, and for once in my life, I made Riley feel awkward. Because after our collective smile, she scratched the back of her head while slightly biting her lip and spoke. "Forever together."

There is this stereotypical idea that comes up when somebody mentions the concept of a 'Teen Sleepover.' Generally, this idea revolves around a small room filled with all sorts of pastel-colored mattresses, pillows, blankets, and maybe even some fluffy plushies. Add to this fantasy some personal touches you might have yourself, and you get a pretty clear picture of what this scene looks like.

Personally, I have a bit more of a fascination for the people attending said sleepover, instead of its aesthetics. Without a merry menagerie of teenage girls dressed in comfortable pajamas, a sleepover simply isn't complete in my mind's eye.

And I know, coming from a man, this is quite the creepy fantasy. But in all honesty, I don't think anybody has ever viewed me as a 'Man' in my 15 years of walking the earth. No, the only way the world ever referred to me was through the word 'Boy.' At least, that was the case for most of those 15 years. But now, there was a new group of people who had intertwined themselves in the fabric of my life. A group of people who had only ever seen me as a 'Girl.' It was a preposterous notion, don't get me wrong. This oddly shaped piece of equipment between my legs confirmed as much. And not only did I possess some things a 'Girl' wouldn't, but I also lacked some things that a 'Girl' would. Somehow... that made me sad.

But if I removed this physical reality from my brain, the 'Girl' hypothesis suddenly becomes a lot more plausible. Especially because those who would refer to me this way viewed me in a much more positive light than those who didn't. Even my own view was heavily impacted by this. The 'Boy' was an anti-social bum who had only ever had one friend in their life, a friend that merely adopted him because she took pity on his miserable existence. The 'Girl,' on the other hand, was part of a tight-knit group of friends. Because this group had been impressed by the 'Girl' and her confident personality. And together they could elevate the best parts of each other.

"Hey, slowpoke! You almost done in there?" a muffled voice yelled from behind the white door.

I bit my lip and opened my eyes, allowing myself to once again be confronted with the physical world. The shape of my masculine equipment appearing on my retinas sent a slight shiver down my spine, so without looking any longer, I pulled up my undergarments, swiftly followed by my plaid pajama bottoms.

"Almost done!" I responded and pressed on the big button above the toilet. The water flushed away my biological waste, like this weekend had been washing my worries. To finish my restroom ritual, my hands were now being soaked in soap and warm water that pushed itself through the tap. But if the cold water in the toilet represented my old worries, this warm water from the tap represented the new ones. Because while she was doing way better in comparison to the 'Boy,' the 'Girl' still had her own set of troubles to deal with.

"Finally!" I heard when I opened the door, and a flash of fiery red hair flew past me.

Looking at my surroundings, I could see 6 identical beds standing with their headboards against the wall in a large rectangular room. Three of them were positioned against the right wall, and three of them against the left wall.

Ah yes, the Teen Sleepover that had started this train of thought in the first place. A little different from the stereotypical image my brain had generated before. The room was quite big, and the fact that there were actual beds instead of loose mattresses brought forth a bit more of a formal feeling. And that is without mentioning the giant glass chandelier that formed the centerpiece of the room.

It was almost midnight at this point, but we were not quite ready to settle in for a well-deserved night of sleep. I decided to walk over to the only two people who were currently in this room with me.

"You have to wear the same uniform every single day? Damn, that's going to suck so bad," I heard Riley complain while squishing a pink pillow between her hands. She was sitting cross-legged on the bed at the far-right side of the room. Her eyes looked to be completely focused on Rachel, who sat across from her.

The tall brunette shrugged and responded, "Well, at least you will get to pick between the winter and summer uniform," causing Riley to make a slightly annoyed face back.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, making my presence known to the girls who had been way too concentrated on their own conversation to have noticed me earlier.

They looked a little startled as they swung their heads round to face me. I could see that Riley was about to say something, only to decide to keep her mouth shut in the end. Rachel, on the other hand, responded right away.

"Nothing, just some silly school story," she said to me in a deflective manner.

My limited social awareness told me that whatever they were talking about, it wasn't something they wanted to share with me. Knowing that both were also playing some kind of romantic game of cat and mouse, I decided not to pry.

"What exactly is the plan tomorrow?" I asked Rachel to get the conversation moving without making them feel awkward.

She held up her finger and bent down to pick up her phone that was sitting on the floor next to the bed. After pushing a few buttons, she brought up a list that seemed to include all this weekend's plans. She then read out tomorrow's section of the list, answering my question in the most literal way possible.

"09:00 AM Breakfast, 10:00 AM Leave the house, 10:25 Arrive at the LAN Centre, 10:45 play a pub to get used to the setup, 11:00 Scrim VS Untimed Roshans…"

She continued all the way up to dinner time when I finally decided to interrupt her. "Yes, yes, I get it. But uhm…" I nudged my head in Riley's direction. "What is she supposed to do all day if we are just playing?"

"Ah… Little Emmy wants to make sure I don't feel left behind," Riley said, pouting her lips mockingly. She then shot a quick look over at Rachel before switching her tone and mannerisms to sound a lot more sincere. "Don't worry about me, I can make my own fun."

Rachel was now looking at me with serious eyes. "Don't forget that we came here to prepare for the tournament. So, there's no time for distractions tomorrow. We have already done more than enough faffing about today."

I felt a little bit intimidated by the way she was speaking to me right now. It felt like there was some weird tension in the air, but I couldn't quite understand why. Especially because everything we had done so far has been exactly what she wanted us to do already.

My hands were already pushing down on the soft mattress as I attempted to exit the conversation and head towards my bed for the night. At the same time, however, I could hear a door close. The sound of 2 bare feet speeding into our general direction now came closer and closer, stopping at the exact moment that I had lifted my body from the bed and fully turned around.

Lizzy stood on the other side of the middle right bed and yelled loudly: “Out of the way, Emmy! Executive interior design decision coming through!”. She showed off an impressive amount of strength as she started shoving the empty bed toward the bed with Rachel and Riley. In no time, the two beds were joined together, causing Riley to chuckle loudly.

Rachel, however, didn’t seem to be amused by this sudden turn of events. “Lizzy! Put it back!” she commanded.

The red-haired ball of energy standing next to the bed didn’t look fazed at all. Instead, she was grinning from ear to ear and said, “Don’t be a buzzkill, I’m just trying to help the ship along.”

“I’m serious! Elizabeth! I don’t want my parents getting ideas if they decide to barge in here!”

Rachel had already jumped off the bed and started to undo Lizzy’s work. Her face looked like it was filled with genuine anger, making me feel a little afraid. Even though her full name was just uttered, Lizzy didn’t seem to be intimidated at all. I would say she looked more annoyed instead, most likely with the fact that Rachel was unable to handle her joke, although Rachel’s intensity told me there was something more going on here. I had more than enough baggage of my own to deal with, so I decided to stay as far away from this bee’s nest as possible.

“So… you guys coming down to watch a movie? I’m sure Jade and Kelsey have managed to decide on something by now,” I offered as a way to exit all the drama. I could see Rachel make a quick glance of poorly hidden disdain towards Lizzy before she let out a big sigh. “Sure…”

***

'3:18 PM,' I could read off the large digital display on the wall in front of me. While outside, the sun was still shining bright, and people were probably enjoying some of the last good days of the year, inside this room, it was all very different. Not a single speck of sunlight could enter the darkened room, which was instead sparsely illuminated by a menagerie of rainbow-colored LEDs. The biggest source of light in this room, however, came from the five screens lined up on the massive desk against the wall.

Sitting in front of these screens were five teenage girls displaying the full array of negative emotions across their faces. From disappointment to anger, and from exhaustion to anxiety, all of them were present. We had been playing non-stop for more than four hours at this point, and it had been a total disaster. Not a single game we played resulted in a win. Even the last game we played against a practice partner we would normally beat with ease. Today, they managed to beat us for the first time in months. And let me tell you, that stings.

Personally, I had felt incredibly tired coming here. Yesterday I experienced more feelings than I had felt in the entire year before that. Clearly, I couldn't focus my mind on the game anymore. My rotations had been sloppy, my CS was non-existent, and I missed more spears than I hit in my last Mars game. We had three more scrimmages planned for the rest of the day, but none of us were looking forward to it. The next team we were supposed to play was called 'Nefarious Nerds,' a squad we hadn’t played before. I had just started scrolling through the Dotabuff page of their position 1 player called 'Agumonster' when a massive beam of light suddenly blinded me and my teammates.

I rubbed my eyes in an attempt to restore my vision. By the time I could once again perceive the physical world around me, I spotted the person who had just illuminated our darkness. He was a guy who looked to be around our age, maybe a bit older. He was standing underneath the doorframe wearing the intriguing combination of an expensive-looking button-up shirt and an oversized hoodie. His hair was a dirty blonde and neatly combed to the side. The slight shine suggested that some product was also involved in creating this slightly conservative hairstyle.

“So, this is your 'Top Notch Squad'?” the guy said in a slight Boston accent that almost reminded me of my dad. “Just your hockey mates and a little Minnie Mouse-looking kid? My expectations were low, Ray, but I didn't think it would be this pathetic.”

From the corner of my eye, I noticed that Rachel's hand was balled up in a fist, her white knuckles betraying an attempt to hide the frustration she was clearly feeling. Her voice sounded a lot more measured though. “Quit the trash talk, Arthur, just get in the lobby,” she said in a monotone manner.

The entire interaction confused me profoundly. Who was this guy, and why did his presence affect Rachel so much? I turned around to face Kelsey and whispered to her. “I’m guessing there is some history with these 2?”

Glancing at the minimap in the bottom corner of the screen, the situation couldn't be described as anything but dire. All of our barracks were reduced to ruins, and 'Mega-Creeps' were streaming into the base. It had been 20 minutes of what could only be described as trench warfare, during which we had dug in around our ancient, repelling attack after attack from our opponents. This analogy seemed even more fitting when you considered the tremendous number of mines Jade had placed around the base with her Techies play.

All four of us had already suggested to 'GG' out of the match multiple times, but Rachel had been incredibly adamant in her conviction that we could still bring it back somehow. Yet, I couldn't help but think that she had been the main reason we were stuck in this situation in the first place.

Rachel's mental state had been nothing short of a trash fire in this game, and so was her captaining. It only took three deaths, eight minutes, and two lost lanes for her to shut down. She was barely making calls, and the ones she did make were so full of doubt and hesitation that we could never commit in time. This had caused all of us to run around like headless chickens. It had never been more obvious how much we relied on her. Nonetheless, she was the captain. If she couldn't even keep a calm mind after a little losing streak, how were any of us supposed to carry this whole thing on our own?

"I'm down," Kelsey said with a defeated voice at the exact moment my own screen turned greyscale. I sighed loudly, hoping that the rest of the team would hear my disappointment. If Rachel wasn't going to do it, I guess it was up to me to captain the sinking ship.

A massive explosion appeared on all our screens; our opponents had finally destroyed the Dire Ancient, securing their victory. I pulled off my headset and looked over at the three faces of disappointment and exhaustion next to me. "Better luck next time? I guess they were just a little bit better than us. We just need to improve a little more, and next time we win this."

Jade, Lizzy, and Kelsey nodded in agreement, their spirits visibly lifted by my words of encouragement. Rachel, however, was having none of it.

"We sucked, ass" She said, not even making eye contact with any of us.

"Come on, we had some good plays," I reasoned with her in an attempt to pull her back from the abyss. Rachel was biting her lip, like she was trying to keep herself from saying something terrible, only for her resolve to falter seconds later as she decided to drop the bombshell right then and there. "I had some good plays, none of you did anything but feed."

She then slammed her palms down on the desk and got up from her chair, dashing out of the room while speaking under her breath. "fuck this."

Hearing those words, however, made something snap inside me. She was the one who organized all of this, and who had kept increasing the pressure on us to perform. But when shit hits the fan, she is allowed to be a toxic teammate since nobody is telling her what to do? I was done putting up with it. She might be the captain of the team, but if this is how she is going to be acting on LAN, this team is never going to work out.

I decided to follow her out of the room, completely ignoring Kelsey, who tried to stop me by calling my name. My ankle boots clicking on the plastic floor below accentuated my bold steps through the LAN café.

I eventually found Rachel standing on the sidewalk just outside the building. Joining her, I could feel my eyes burning as they tried to adapt to wildly different lighting conditions.

"Hey! What the heck was that?" I said to her sternly while blinking my eyes in rapid succession.

"Ugh… move along, Em. You're the last person I need right now," she responded in a very annoyed fashion. She couldn't even be bothered to look at me, choosing to keep her gaze pointed towards the ground instead.

"No! I'm not going to move along. You can't say shit like that to your teammates, especially if you are the captain. It's like you've turned into a completely different person these last few hours."

Rachel suddenly looked up and stared at me straight in the face. "Really? You? You are going to talk about ME coming across as a completely different person?"

A certain venom was present in her voice when speaking those last few words. A venom that had infiltrated my central nervous system and caused me to be completely paralyzed. While my body had gone into a stasis, my brain was stuck repeating a single question. Did she know? A question that would spawn a million more. Had she known about Jason all along? Had Riley accidentally let something slip? Was she going to kick me out of the team?

I leaned my body against the wall, trying to keep myself standing while being completely succumbed to anxiety. My heart was pounding deep in my chest when a third person suddenly appeared in front of me.

"Ladies, calm down. There is no need for verbal disagreements on this most blessed day," Arthur expressed to both of us with an overconfident sense of glee plastered across that perfect face of his.

It was almost like I could see the steam exiting Rachel's ears; Arthur's presence clearly brought her enraged emotional state to another level. "You two are both awful!" she yelled, pointing at me and Arthur, only to leave, stomping off once again. This time, however, I had no intention of following her.

"Still just as bad a loser as ever," Arthur said while raising his can of energy drink as if making a toast. He then looked over at me and raised his eyebrows. "You ok, Minnie? I hope big miss perfect didn't scold you that hard."

His Boston accent felt like a warm shower of comfort that cleaned off all the anxiety Rachel had just triggered inside of me. He almost sounded like a younger version of my dad with his voice.

I got back up on my feet and looked into the two green eyes that exuded a certain kind of confidence I had only ever felt from Rachel. Somehow this caused a tiny bit of my own confidence to recover as well.

"Emily, It's Emily, not Minnie," I corrected him while wagging my finger.

"Ah, Emily. Well… nice to meet you, Emily. I'm Arthur, but I'm sure you figured that out already. I've got to say, you guys held on a lot better than I expected. Too bad your teamwork and macro sucked, or you might have actually had a shot at winning."

I couldn't help but have a slight chuckle. Teamwork and macro... That was normally our specialty, if Rachel was actually making calls, that is. "Thanks. Just a shame that, like you just observed, our mental state wasn't quite that stable today."

Arthur gave off a slight smile. "I have seen land mines that handle pressure better than she did today. We've played loads together, but I have never seen her tilt to this degree."

Slowly, I managed to put together the pieces of the social puzzle that had presented itself in front of me. "I'm guessing the two of you used to..."

"Date? Yes, for like 3 years if you can believe it. If it wasn't for me, she probably never would have picked up Dota in the first place. We broke up 6 months ago, but I kind of knew it wasn't going to work out a year ago already."

Surprised by the fact this guy had been so eager in sharing his relationship history with a complete stranger, I decided to ask further. "And you knew it wasn't going to work out because..."

"She plays for the other team, of course," he said, shrugging in an exaggerated manner.

I furrowed my brow in confusion. "Huh? You broke up because she didn't want to play on your Dota team?"

Arthur laughed, making me feel slightly embarrassed. Had I said something weird? He then put his hand on my shoulder and looked at me while raising his eyebrows. "You didn't know? That girl is gayer than Megan Rapinoe in a post-game locker room."

I honestly wanted to facepalm myself right then and there; of course, that's what he is talking about. Get your mind out of the gutter, Emily. Showing off my embarrassment, I sighed through my nose while closing my eyes.

Arthur released his hand from my shoulder, and as I opened my eyes again, he casually stood leaned back against the wall. His button-up blouse definitely looked expensive, and the lack of creases in it indicated that it must have been properly ironed as well. It made him come across as someone with who tried to look professional. This was in stark contrast to his hoodie that was draping over the button-up, allowing him to also have an air of care-free coolness. Looking at his dark green eyes and well-groomed face, I noticed a slight hint of ginger in that dirty blonde hair laying down on top of his head.

"And Emily, what about you? The rest of Rachel's entourage I'm more than familiar with. But where do you enter the picture?" he suddenly said as his gaze focused itself back onto me.

I was slightly startled; my mind had been completely focused on analyzing his physical presence. For some obscure reason, it was embarrassment that entered my brain while I was fishing for a response to his question. Allowing my eyes to fall to the ground, I eventually managed to find an answer.

"Uhm... Quite simple actually. She put up a recruitment post on Reddit, and I responded to it. Tried out for the team. Now it's three months later, and she decided we needed to do a bootcamp to prepare for the LAN Lionesses Tournament. I'm not even from here; I'm from Shamesburry and only know the girls through the game," I explained to him.

He had been nodding along to me and eventually piped up. "Seems legit. I can see why they pulled you in. Your play was actually really good, and those arenas almost got you back in the game multiple times."

I could feel myself blush when he complimented me. On the one hand, it felt really good to be complimented, but I also felt incredibly awkward as I had no idea how to respond to all this. So in the end, all I could really do was keep my eyes on the ground and mumble, "Thank you."

When I found the courage to look up again, Arthur's eyes were now focused on his phone that he was holding in his left hand. His hand was big enough to grip the entire phone and type out a small message with that same hand. After typing the message, he put the phone back into one of the large pockets provided by that obsidian hoodie, and once again met my gaze.

He waved at me with two fingers while announcing, "My teammates are waiting for me, so I'm going to head back in. See you around, Eminnie," and gave me a slight wink. That sweet Boston accent of his making me feel all mushy in process.

"Yeah, good luck..." I said back awkwardly as he had already turned around, walking back inside the LAN café.

I think I stood there for a full minute after he left, just watching the cars go by on the busy downtown road. The sun had been warming up the darker areas of the pink and black jersey I was wearing, and looking at the logo on my left arm, I got reminded of the reason why I was out here in the first place: Rachel and her absolute meltdown after we lost that scrim.

The anxiety demon that represented my fear of being outed made itself known by implanting a melody of angst into my brain. That last thing Rachel had said, that I had been acting like a completely different person. I couldn't help but think that she was implying that she knew my secret. And if that was the case, I needed to find her right now. Rachel knowing about it was bad enough, but I couldn't have her mentally unstable ass blabbermouthing this sensitive information to the entire team.

Fueled by a primal need to survive, I stepped into the alley where I saw Rachel disappear, only to miss any kind of visual confirmation of her presence. My ears perked up, though, as I could vaguely hear her voice in the distance. I made my way into the alley, and her voice became clearer and clearer. I guessed she was probably around the corner on the other end of the alley, and her voice indicated that she was talking to somebody on the phone.

"Yeah, I messed up bad. I just totally blew up in front of them," I could hear Rachel say.

I slowed down my pace. If she was on the phone, she wasn't going to be running away any time soon. And the fact that she was clearly expressing remorse to whoever she was talking to also made me feel a lot better inside.

"If you could come down here, that would be great. We are not in the mood to be playing more. I can cancel the last scrims so we can have a nice dinner together before you two have to leave."

Wait? Was she talking to Riley? I guess that would make the most sense; they had been spending a lot of time together over the weekend. So it's not the weirdest thing for her to reach out to Riley when upset. Hell, how many times have I called on Riley every time I have been upset over the years.

"I think I’m going to miss you so much when you head back home."

Wow, they are at that stage already. I was about to go around the corner but decided to stop and eavesdrop for a second longer. They were clearly going fast if they had these kinds of conversations already, and I didn't want to suddenly start 3rd wheeling their heartfelt phone conversation.

“I know, I know. It’s just for a little bit and then we can see each other all the time and give this whole thing a proper college try. It’s funny, you could almost call it fate. That we meet each other only 2 weeks before you move to Battingham. Kind of crazy don’t you think?”