The thing I remember most is that I didn't cry. It's funny how the mind works like that. I don't remember the words my sisters said to me, or what they were wearing, or even if they were crying- all I remember is that I didn't cry.

And that I'd just been told the most devastating news a 13-year-old boy could hear: that his parents were both dead.

It was a car crash, apparently, somewhere on the M1. I'd been playing with a friend (well, friend of the family) in a park near where we lived in Luton while my parents had been visiting my sisters, who both live in London. They'd invited me to go with them, but I'd declined as I'd never really got along with my sisters- especially when we were younger.

My oldest sister, Sonia, is twelve years older than me, and my next-oldest sister, Melanie, is just over nine years older than me, and that age gap meant that while they were close to each other, they never grew particularly close to me. However, the fact that they were close to each other, and considerably older than me, meant that more often than not, I'd be the one they turned to whenever they wanted some 'fun'.

'Fun' in this case meaning 'treating me like one of their dolls'. Though by the time they'd reached their teens, both Sonia and Melanie had grown out of playing with dolls. And in fairness, why wouldn't they, when they had me to dress up instead?

For some reason, the moment that sticks in my head most of all was just after I'd turned six. It was a weekend in early February, and Sonia had demanded that I go into her room. And I mean 'demanded'. It was never 'Liam, can you come here for a minute, please?' or 'Liam, have you got a second?'. It was always 'Liam, come here'. And I always went, just as dutiful baby brothers are supposed to do (or at least, that's what they told me).

"Aww, there he is!" Sonia said in her patronising babyish voice she used whenever she talked to me. "Come and sit on the bed."

"Now Liam, do you know what day it is on Thursday?" Melanie asked, giggling as I shook my head. "It's Valentine's Day! Do you know why Valentine's Day is special?"

"Is it when people who love each other do special things for each other?" I asked naively, causing both of my sisters to almost bend double with laughter. Of course, now that I'm thirteen, I understand why they'd laugh so much at me saying 'special things', but back then, I didn't find it funny. My sisters were far from finished, though.

"It's also a day when people who love each other get dressed up in fancy clothing!" Melanie teased as Sonia watched on with an evil glint in her eye. I immediately felt my heart sink as I knew what was coming next.

"Do you want to get dressed up, Liam?" Sonia asked, making me gulp with nerves.

"No, I don't want to..." I feebly mumbled, even though I knew it didn't matter what I said- my sisters had made their minds up. I WAS getting dressed up, whether I liked it or not.

And boy, did they indeed dress me up. I was stripped down to my underwear and zipped into one of Melanie's old party frocks. The fact that it was much too large for me didn't deter my sisters- they simply fastened a belt around my waist and pulled it so tight I thought that my only way out of the dress was to be cut out of it. But they didn't stop there. I had a pair of Melanie's old Mary-Jane shoes fastened to my feet (with several pairs of socks on my feet to make them big enough to fit the shoes- and more importantly, prevent me from slipping out of them), before I was sat down at Sonia's make-up table, where my REAL humiliation was about to begin.

Extra-thick foundation, bright pink blush and layer after layer of eyeshadow and lipstick were applied to my face until virtually none of my skin poked through. By the time my sisters proclaimed me 'done', I didn't so much look like a girl as I did the Joker from Batman. And certainly, no one would ever have mistaken me for a little boy.

"Ta-da!" Sonia said as she showed me my reflection in the mirror, while Melanie took photos with her phone. "What do you think? Are you ready for your hot date with your boyfriend?"

"I feel stupid..." I moaned as tears started to form in my eyes.

"Don't cry, you'll ruin your make-up!" Melanie admonished me. "And that make-up was expensive, too! So, what do you say when you're given an expensive gift?" I clenched my jaw shut, though I knew I'd never get away without giving them an answer.

"Thank you," I mumbled.

"I didn't hear that?" Sonia teased.

"Thank you," I said louder, raising my voice for two reasons- the first being that it'd hopefully satisfy my sisters- though I knew that was at best a vain hope. The second reason, though, was that it'd hopefully attract other attention- and that hope proved to not be in vain when a knock came from the bedroom door seconds later.

"Liam?" Dad asked from the other side of the door. "Did I just hear your voice coming from your sister's room? Are you in there by yourself? You know your sisters don't like you poking through their stuff."

"Yeah, Liam, quit poking through our stuff," Melanie said, making me shrivel as dad opened the door and sighed at the sight that greeted him.

"...Ugh, Liam..." Dad groaned.

"We caught him going through Sonia's old stuff!" Melanie said, making me angry in addition to upset as she tried to shift the blame onto me.

"Okay," dad sighed. "First, Melanie, that's your old dress. Second, this is hardly the first time you've done this to your brother. And third, I don't like being lied to. Get back to your room, we'll talk later. Sonia- don't you go anywhere either."

"Yes, dad," my sisters mumbled, knowing better than to argue with our father as he took me to the bathroom to get cleaned up.

"Okay, get those clothes off and in the laundry," dad said, an instruction I didn't hesitate to follow. "Liam... Did- did you go through your sister's clothes without their permission?"

"No," I mumbled, my cheeks burning with embarrassment.

"I thought not," dad said, "but I had to ask, just to be sure. Liam, you- you shouldn't let your sisters push you around like this. You shouldn't be afraid to say 'no' to them if they're making you do something you don't want to, okay?"

"Yes dad," I mumbled, though as the following few years would prove, it was easier said than done.

Once Valentine's Day 2013 was forgotten about, Sonia and Melanie went right back to their old tricks. Despite me heeding dad's advice and saying 'no' whenever they demanded me, I'd inevitably end up right back in one of their bedrooms, and right back in one of their frocks, or swimsuits, with make-up slathered all over my face...

Our parents would chastise my sisters each time this happened, of course, but that never deterred them- there wasn't any practical punishment my parents could give to two girls who were to all intents and purposes already adults. In most ways, anyway.

Even when Sonia went to university that summer, the teasing didn't let up, as over the holidays she'd come home, and it'd start right back up again. And with Melanie choosing not to go to university, these 'sessions' continued right up until they both moved to London two years ago, just before I started secondary school.

Thankfully, no one at school ever found out about the 'sessions'. God knows what would've happened if they did, as it's not like I was the most popular kid at school, far from it, in fact. I've not got much interest in football or any other sports. I'm not unfit- just unmotivated. I prefer to spend my free time reading, drawing or listening to music than kicking a ball around a field or playing a videogame. Needless to say, this earned me more than my fair share of teasing from my sisters as well, though much less so since they moved to London.

Eventually, life settled into a normal routine. With my sisters having moved out, I was allowed to move into Sonia's former (and much larger) bedroom, though dad insisted on helping me redecorate it first. I had more freedom around the house, both in how I used my space and, more importantly, how I used my time. No more 'Liam, come here now' or anything like that.

And then, over the course of a few months, everything changed.

Obviously, the coronavirus pandemic affected everyone in the country- in the world, even- equally. However, while an indefinite break from school was appealing at first, after a few weeks the stress began to build to the point where I almost wished that my sisters were still living with us. Neither of my parents were key workers- both started working from home less than two weeks after lockdown started- so going back to school simply wasn't an option for me. However, neither was visiting my sisters or having them visit us. So, when lockdown restrictions eased over summer, my parents immediately made plans to travel to London to see them face to face for the first time in months.

And, as it would turn out, the last time ever.

One minute, I'm playing basketball with my family friend (needless to say, he's much better at it than I am). The next thing I know, his mother has taken a phone call and I'm being whisked back home to find my sisters waiting for me. And then, I hear the news that changed my life forever.

"You do understand what this means, right?" Sonia asked me as I desperately tried to process the news.

"Yes," I mumbled.

"Both Melanie and I have careers in London," Sonia explained. "Neither of us can work from home, not even in the current situation, so we can't move up here to take care of you. That means you're going to need to move down to London to live with us. Obviously, that means you'll need to move school as well, but we'll take care of all of that for you."

"Okay," I mumbled as I looked into my sister's eyes and found them full of not just sadness, but fear, too. When I was growing up, it had always seemed like my sister- both my sisters- were invincible. They could do whatever they wanted without fear of any consequences- especially if they were doing it to me. And as selfish as I subsequently felt, my first thoughts when I heard that I was going to be living with Sonia was that sooner or later, she and Melanie would make me become 'Lisa' again. I didn't think about what it would mean to leave the only town I've ever lived in, I didn't think about having to start a brand-new school where I wouldn't know anyone- I didn't even think about the fact that I'd never so much as speak to my parents ever again. All I thought about was the dress-up sessions.

It was later that night, as I was laid in bed staring at the ceiling, that the reality of the situation dawned on me. For hours, I'd simply been numb, unable to process the situation, and then all the feelings hit me at the same time. My parents were dead. Gone. Not coming back. At the age of just thirteen, I was an orphan, and I'd never even got to say goodbye.

I don't think I slept at all that night as every nerve ending in my body felt like it had been dunked in ice water and set on fire all at the same time. I cried, I screamed into my pillow, I even threw up a couple of times from crying too hard. And most of all, I felt ashamed. I felt ashamed that all I could think about was myself, of what would happen to me, of how I'd cope... Of whether or not there'd be any 'dress-up sessions' with my sisters.

The funeral was a few days afterwards. Thanks to COVID, only me and my sisters attended- none of our grandparents are still alive, and my only aunt (my father's sister) lives in Australia and wouldn't be able to travel with the strict quarantine rules in that country. After the funeral, we began the process of slowly dismantling my life in Luton, ready to move it down to my new life in London.

It's a weird sensation, seeing your whole life being stripped away and flung into a box. Everything you ever owned, everything you are just dismantled, categorised and stored away. I knew it'd all get reassembled when we got to Sonia's place in London, bus as we emptied the room it suddenly hit me that I'd likely never set foot in the room, or even the house ever again. My whole life had ended, and while it would start again in London, I was reminded of a line from an old episode of Doctor Who, when the title character discussed regeneration: 'everything I am dies, and some new person goes sauntering away'. I knew, of course, that I was being melodramatic- I was still the same person, after all. I'd still have the same likes and dislikes, I'd still wear the same clothes, eat the same food as before, but deep down I knew I'd never be the same again.

And, as my subconscious reminded me as we followed the removal van down to London, Doctor Who can regenerate into a woman...

When we arrived in London, Sonia and Melanie wasted no time in unpacking my possessions and the things we inherited from our parents, dividing their things up almost callously. I was allowed to keep the odd memento for myself, of course, but most of it was placed into piles to either throw away, donate to charity or sell- and the reason for the need to sell many of my parents' assets quickly became apparent.

"We'll get your room set up tonight," Sonia said to me as we were busy unpacking the possessions I'd brought with me to London. "I've already got a single bed and a wardrobe in there, so you'll have somewhere to put your clothes, at least, but if there's anything else you need, now's the time to tell me. And- and there's one other thing."

"...Yes?" I asked as my sister paused, taking a breath to calm herself.

"We- that is to say, the government has said that all schools will be reopening as usual in September," Sonia explained. "I'm going to call the local authority tomorrow, see about getting you placed in a local secondary school." I nodded- I'd known this was coming for a while, but actually hearing the words come from my sister's mouth made it seem more real somehow. "Once that's done, I'll see about getting some time off of work so we can go shopping for your new uniform, okay?"

"Pity I didn't keep my old uniform," Melanie teased, giggling devilishly as I immediately blushed.

"Melanie," Sonia whispered firmly as she walked over to our sister, out of earshot while more memories came flooding back to me.

The memory that was clearest in my memory was almost exactly four years ago to the day. I was nine, while Melanie had just finished sixth form at the secondary school that she (and later I) attended. And with it being the summer holidays, both of my sisters often found themselves at a loose end- which meant I was as well, whether I liked it or not.

"Liam! Come here!" Melanie yelled from her bedroom opposite mine.

"I don't want to!" I futilely replied.

"Liam, come here now, it's important!" Melanie repeated, and even though I knew my sister was lying, I also knew I had only one option- to obey her.

"What do you want?" I asked as I entered her bedroom.

"Is that any way to talk to someone doing you a favour?" Melanie snorted angrily, Sonia also shaking her head behind her. "We just want to help you. What are you and mum and dad doing later today?"

"Umm, I dunno," I mumbled, futilely hoping that this would end my torment.

"No, you do know Liam," Sonia chastised. "What are you going to be doing?"

"Umm, shopping for my new school uniform," I mumbled, blushing as wide grins spread across my sisters' faces.

"Well, isn't that lucky?" Melanie giggled. "I won't be needing my uniform anymore, so if you wear that instead, then you'll be saving mum and dad some money, won't you?"

"But you only have a girl's uniform," I mumbled, my cheeks reddening further as my sisters laughed evilly.

"Well, yes, because I'm a girl, but that doesn't mean you can't wear it too!" Melanie argued.

"But I'm not a girl..." I whined.

"Oh, be quiet," Sonia snorted dismissively. "You want to help out mum and dad, don't you?" My sister stared at me until I nodded- the only reply I could give under the circumstances. "Well then, aren’t you lucky that you've got two big sisters who'll help you too?" Again, I was forced to nod.

"Goody!" Melanie cheered, clapping as she jumped off her bed and reached into her wardrobe. "Get those clothes off, then we can get started!" What other choice did I have? I did as I was told, and soon, I was stood in just my underwear, shivering as Melanie produced her uniform skirt from her wardrobe.

It wasn't just the skirt I ended up wearing, though. Ten minutes later I stood in my sisters' bedroom, trembling with shame as they photographed me wearing not just Melanie's skirt, but her blouse, tie, blazer and even a pair of her old school tights (which were almost as baggy on my legs as my own school trousers). They'd even tied my hair into two short pigtails and put mascara and eyeliner on me, such was their determination to make me the 'perfect schoolgirl'.

"Well, go on then!" Sonia ordered. "Go and show mum and dad!"

"But I don't want to..." I whimpered.

"But you're doing this for them, remember?" Melanie asked. "To save them money? So go and show them, I'm sure they'll be really happy!"

"Go on," Sonia urged, smirking as I left the bedroom nearly crying. My heart began to race as I trudged down the stairs, holding the waistband of the skirt and the tights in my hand so as to stop them from falling down as I entered the living room.

"Mum..." I whined, tears finally trickling from my eyes as my parents looked at me, angry scowls immediately spreading across their faces.

"Sonia! Melanie!" Dad barked. "Get down here now!"

"Why are you shouting?" Melanie asked as she entered the room, taking one look at me before scowling angrily at me too. "Oh- Liam! Why have you gone through my clothes again when I've told you a million times not to?"

"But-" I protested, only for our father to immediately interrupt.

"Melanie!" Dad snapped. "That's not what happened. I know that's not what happened, YOU know that's not what happened, so explain it."

"What's there to explain?" Melanie protested with mock-innocence. "He's gone through my clothes again after not just I, but you've told him as well not to!"

"Go back to your rooms now," dad ordered with a quiet rage. "We WILL talk later. Liam, you- ugh. Come on, let's get you up to the bathroom and get you cleaned up." I bit my lip and tried not to cry as I followed my father up to the bathroom, where- not for the first time- he hastily stripped me of my sisters' clothing and washed their make-up off my face.

"You know, Liam," dad sighed as he passed me a towel to dry myself with, "you need- and I do mean NEED to learn how to stand up to your sisters. I'd hoped that as they got older, they'd grow out of these stupid games, but clearly, I was mistaken. However, that doesn't mean that you can't, well, grow up a little."

"O- okay," I mumbled, unsure as to what my father really meant.

"Don't be afraid to say 'no' to your sisters," dad advised. "Especially when you get older. I've heard the way they speak to you, they hardly ever actually ask you to do something, they always tell you to do it. And I realise it won't be easy, but you will need to assert yourself more, because me and your mum won't always be around to back you up."

Obviously, neither I nor my father could've known that his prediction would come true less than four years later.

"So, what shade of pink do you want your room?" Melanie asked as I opened Sonia's- or rather, our- front door to reveal her carrying two tins of paint and a set of rollers. Even though I'd been moved in for over two weeks, the small flat hadn't even begun to feel like a true home for me. Sonia had immediately suggested that repainting my room might help with the transition process, and even though I'd been indifferent to the idea, she had of course got her way. So, when the weekend came around, I got dressed in my scruffiest clothes, ready for a day of decorating- or rather, a day of enduring both of my sisters' taunts.

Unlike when I was much younger, Melanie wasn't (and still isn't) living under the same roof as me- or rather, as us, instead she lives with three of her friends in a different part of London. However, in the weeks following the funeral, she had been visiting Sonia's- our- flat more and more, having been allowed to 'bubble' with us following our bereavement. Sonia said it was for emotional support, and everybody deals with bereavement in different ways, but I couldn't help but notice that Melanie's 'coping mechanism' seemed to involve a lot of teasing me...

"Why's he wearing his good clothes?" Melanie asked as I spread a light blue colour over my bedroom walls. "Didn't you have an old pair of leggings you could lend him, maybe an old smock dress you don't wear anymore?"

"Shut up," I mumbled, my cheeks burning as I immediately heard her gasp.

"When I come over on my Saturday off," Melanie protested indignantly. "Giving up my weekend just to help you, and you speak to me like THAT?"

"...Sorry," I mumbled, even though deep down, I really, really wasn't sorry at all- and I knew it would do nothing to stop her from tormenting me.

"Just for that, I'm not going to hide all of your care bears!" Melanie said, laughing as I rolled my eyes.

"Mel," Sonia said quietly, gesturing to our sister to step outside the room while I continued painting. I didn't know what Sonia said to Melanie while they were outside the room, but whatever it was, it caused Melanie to return to the room with a bitter look on her face- though she at least stopped making fun of me for the rest of the day, leaving shortly after we finished setting up my bedroom.

As I laid in bed that night, my head spinning from a combination of the summer heat, the paint fumes and the effort I put in during the day, I found myself barely able to sleep. My mind was still racing from the new reality I found myself in- my parents were gone, I was in a new city and I would be at a new school in a matter of days. And while Sonia seemed like she'd changed, Melanie was still Melanie- and even when Sonia wasn't helping her, she was still more than capable of having 'fun' at my expense.

"But this is stupid," I moaned as I dragged my ten-year-old self into Melanie's bedroom, where she was sat on her bed with a wide grin on her face- and a small pile of clothes next to her.

"What's stupid about wanting to give your sister the birthday present she wants?" Melanie retorted. "Now come on, get out of those BOY'S clothes and into your special birthday costume! Now that you're a bit older, it should fit you better!" Meekly, I did as I was told- what other choice did I have? If I refused, or complained, Melanie would simply guilt-trip me by telling me I'd ruined her birthday- or worse yet, tell mum and dad. Both of which she'd done on numerous occasions beforehand...

"How long do I have to do this for?" I asked as I stepped into the pair of black tights Melanie gave me- which, as she promised, did fit me almost perfectly- before taking another pair, one with a hole in the gusset, and pulling them over my head such that my arms and legs were totally encased in the soft fabric.

"Until I tell you to stop, of course!" Melanie said, giggling devilishly as she held out an old black one-piece swimsuit for me to step into, which I dutifully did, trying not to shiver as I felt the clingy garment 'pull' on me once my arms were through the shoulder loops. "Now come on, stay still, you want your make-up to be perfect, don't you?"

"Yes," I sighed as Melanie took her eyeliner pencil and thoroughly outlined my eyes, before colouring the end of my nose black and drawing whiskers on my cheeks.

"Okay, now you know what to do, right?" Melanie asked, her grin widening as I meekly nodded and crouched down on all fours, before crawling around her room, purring and meowing while she filmed me with her phone.

The torment only lasted for five minutes, but it felt like five of the longest minutes of my life as I allowed myself to be humiliated for my sister's amusement. The only consolation was that I wasn't made to go downstairs and show my parents what I was wearing, though I'm certain that was only because Melanie knew she'd get the blame and feared she'd lose whatever treats were lined up for her birthday.

And, as fate would have it, Melanie's next birthday would be a mere two days after I started at my new school- and I genuinely didn't know what prospect made me more nervous.

Before school started, though, I needed to get a whole new uniform first- and I'd have been lying if I'd said I was looking forward to THAT prospect either.

"Okay," Sonia said as we walked through the aisles of clothing. "Your old shoes and trousers will still be fine, but we'll need to get you at least three new shirts and a new blazer. Ugh, and specialist PE kit too, your new school insists on rugby shirts with the school's logo on them. Don't ask me why- are you planning on trying out for the rugby team?"

"Huh?" I asked, only half listening to my sister as I found myself distracted by the aisle of pleated skirts stretching out to my side, and the thought that at any moment, I might be ordered to try one on. "Umm, no, I've- I've never liked it, I prefer basketball."

"Huh, okay," Sonia said with a shrug. "Well, Lebron, you'll just have to ask them if they have a team when they get there. If not, we can always pick you up a wraparound skirt and you can join the netball team, heh!" And THERE it is, I thought to myself as my cheeks immediately reddened. "Oh- oh come on, I was only teasing..."

"Sorry," I mumbled, my cheeks flushing even more as my sister frowned.

"No- no, I'm sorry, forget I said anything," Sonia said, an obviously forced smile spreading across her face as she steered me away from the multi-coloured school skirts and toward the PE section- but only boys' PE kit. However, Sonia's 'teasing' remained on my mind as we headed home and I carefully hung my new uniform up- though the latest episode of 'teasing' wasn't all that was on my mind.

"See, dad?" Melanie asked as I was forced to open my wardrobe. "Right there, at the bottom, I told you he stole my old netball skirt!"

"No, no he didn't," dad sighed angrily. "You know he didn’t, Melanie. Why- why do you constantly try to get your brother in trouble like this?"

“Oh- what?” Melanie protested with a clearly over-exaggerated look of shock on her face. “So you’re NOT going to punish him for this?”

“Melanie, just- don’t push it,” dad cautioned, letting out a loud sigh as he snatched the skirt from my wardrobe. I’ll never forget the look of disappointment in dad’s eyes as he took the skirt down to the charity bags that had been filled with the rest of Melanie’s old school uniform- though even that paled in comparison to the look of anger my sister shot me as she stormed out of my bedroom.

After hanging up my new uniform, I laid down on my bed, yet again trying to reconcile my new situation in my mind. It wasn’t until I brought my uniform home and saw it hanging in my wardrobe that it dawned on me that just a few days later, I would be ‘the new kid’ at a new school where I didn’t know any of the other kids, any of the teachers- anyone at all, in fact. I’d have no friends, no allies, no confidantes… no parents…

When the day finally came for me to start my new school, my hands were shaking so much it took me almost four times as long as usual to fasten my tie, and I could barely stomach the breakfast that was placed in front of me. What I didn’t date tell Sonia, though, was that part of my nervousness was due to expecting her to produce a skirt for me to change to at a moment’s notice.

“You’re going to want to eat SOMETHING,” Sonia said gently, but firmly, as I fiddled with my corn flakes. “Liam, I- I get that you’re nervous. Believe me, if I could travel back in time and tell mum and dad not to travel down that day, I- I would in a heartbeat. Not because I, like, resent having to take care of you, because I don’t, really, I don’t but- I miss them too, you know? This is a lot for both of us to adjust to. But you’re not a little kid anymore, and I know you’ll settle in quick at your new school.”

“Well- okay,” I mumbled. “You- you’ve said that a lot. Like, in the last few weeks, you know?”

“…I know,” Sonia sighed. “And I- I guess I’m saying it as much for my benefit as for yours, heh. But we’re in this together, right?”

“R- right,” I said quietly, still expecting her words to be followed by the same 'jokes' she'd tell when I was younger. 'We're in this together, and I got us matching dresses to prove it', or 'we're in this together, so we may as well share everything- like make-up'. However, unsurprisingly in hindsight, Sonia remained silent, waiting patiently for me to continue. “And I guess I- I guess I will, you know, get used to it eventually.” Whatever I end up wearing to school, I thought to myself as I grabbed my school bag and made my way outside.

The walk to my new school was a mere fifteen minutes, and as I drew nearer, I actually found my nerves lessening about the prospect of introducing myself to a whole new school. As I looked around at the other pupils, all I saw were ordinary kids, just like me, in their uniforms. Boys wearing trousers, girls mostly wearing skirts with the odd girl opting for trousers instead. And because none of them knew who I was, none of them knew about my ‘history’ with my sisters. Or about what happened to my parents…

Thanks to the directions provided to me by the headteacher via my sister, I quickly found my way to my new form room, taking a free seat on the end of a table with four other boys (all socially distanced as much as possible and masked, of course). However, there was no time for introductions- informal introductions, anyway- as my new form teacher quickly arrived to start the class.

“Good morning, everyone,” the teacher- a middle-aged man named Mr. Simmons- said. “It’s good to see you all again in the flesh after all this time! As you might imagine, under the current circumstances, there have been a lot of changes, and there are a lot of new rules you’ll need to follow to remain safe and covid-free. We’ll be going over all those this morning, so we’re going to have an extended form session instead of your first regular session this morning.” Which will take so much time, there won’t be enough time for me to introduce myself, I thought to myself. “One change that isn’t covid related, though,” Never mind, I thought as I tried not to sigh. “As you may have seen, we have a new face in our class today. Liam, would you like to stand up and introduce yourself?”

“Umm, okay,” I mumbled as I stood up, glad my mask went at least part of the way toward disguising how nervous I was. “My- my name’s Liam Maxwell,” LIAM, I mentally reminded myself. Not ‘Lisa’. “I’m from- like, originally from Luton, I moved to London in the summer… that’s about it, really.” No need to tell anyone information they didn’t need to know, I thought to myself. Neither of whom, thankfully, were asked about as Mr. Simmons gestured for me to sit down before he began to detail the new rules that we'd all have to obey.

My fears and nerves about the day, as it turned out, proved to be unfounded, thanks in no small part to the new covid rules. We weren’t allowed to interact closely when outside of classrooms, we weren’t allowed to interact with students from other years at all, the school cafeteria remained closed, meaning we had to eat outside- by ourselves, of course- and each school year started lessons 5 minutes apart, minimising the chance of accidentally running into anyone we weren't supposed to.

As the day went on, though, I quickly found myself feeling lonely. Despite the covid rules, it was clear that most of the other students were in established friendship groups, and at lunchtime, I found myself sitting alone while seemingly everyone else had at least one other person to talk to- all, seemingly, divided down gender lines. The boys were sat talking about football, WWE and stuff like that, while the girls were sat illicitly checking their phones, taking selfies and talking about music, reality TV and stuff like that. As I gazed around at my new schoolmates, I found myself musing on how there wasn’t much difference from my old school- and how Sonia and Melanie would no doubt get a kick out of trying to force me into one of the girls’ groups. It was only at that point that it suddenly dawned on me that I really was ‘the new kid in school’, and the covid restrictions, which I was initially grateful for, would make it all the harder for me to make new friends. With no opportunity to speak to anyone in the final lesson of the day, I left the school feeling more anxious than ever- and missing my life in Luton more than ever.

“Hi Liam!” Sonia said as I came through the front door of her- our- flat and dropped my bag in the hallway. “How was your first day of school?”

“It was okay, I guess,” I replied with a shrug.

“Make any new friends?” Sonia asked.

“Not really,” I mumbled. “Covid meant we couldn’t really hang around with anyone.”

“I’d love to know how they enforced THAT,” Sonia chuckled, sighing as I started to blush. “Oh- Liam… I get that today was never going to be easy, honestly, I do. It wasn’t easy for me either, but yes, I admit it’s probably harder for you. But over time, things will start to feel more normal. You WILL make friends. You’re a likeable person, Liam. Hell, give it a few months and you’ll probably have a girlfriend, heh.”

“I dunno,” I mumbled as I got my phone out of my pocket and switched it back on.

“Adding some of your new school friends on Facebook?” Sonia asked as she gazed at my screen, frowning as I instinctively turned it away from her. “O- okay, sorry, you want your privacy, I get it.” For now, maybe, I thought to myself. “By the way, as it’s Melanie’s birthday on Friday, she’ll be coming round in the evening- as we can’t go out to a restaurant anywhere, we’ll be having a takeaway or something.” …Shit, I thought to myself as one question filled my mind.

“Will, umm, will we- will we be getting, like, dressed up?” I asked, so nervous my teeth were almost chattering.

“Huh?” Sonia replied. “Nah, we don’t need to wear anything fancy if we’re eating at home.” Unless you count ‘fancy dress’, I thought to myself with a shudder.

The rest of my first week at school passed by quickly as I slowly settled into a rhythm. While I didn’t make any actual ‘friends’ at school in that first week, I did at least get to know all the other students in my classes, and gradually my presence became ‘normal’, but more importantly, the school became 'normal' to me, just as Sonia had promised. Eventually, Friday rolled around, and while most of the other students were eager to get home and start their weekend, I walked home with a sense of trepidation- which quickly turned into a full-blown anxiety attack when I walked through the front door two hear not one, but two female voices talking.

“Hey, Harry Potter’s back!” Melanie giggled as I walked into the living room, before either Sonia or I had a chance to speak.

“Shut up,” I mumbled, eliciting the usual look of faux outrage from my sister.

“Is that any way to speak to someone on their birthday?” Melanie asked.

“…Happy birthday,” I mumbled as I dropped my bag, coat and shoes before heading into my bedroom to change, surprised not to find a pair of tights and a black swimsuit or leotard on my bed. After changing into a plain sweater and pair of jeans, I headed back into the living room, where Melanie yet again started 'joking' the instant I entered the room.

“Ah, that’s better,” Melanie chuckled as I sat down in the only free seat in the room- which was, naturally, right next to her. “A lot less ‘Harry Potter’. Though with your hair as long as it is, ‘Hermione’ would be more appropriate!” I flinched and shrugged away from my sister as she played with my scruffy almost shoulder-length hair. “You’re even the right colour!”

“It’s not my fault I haven’t been able to get my hair cut,” I protested.

“Well, I can always cut it for you if you ask nicely,” Melanie said. “I can cut it into a cute bob style…” THAT would be a hell of a thing to explain at school, I thought to myself.

“Mel, seriously now,” Sonia said quietly, wiping the smile off of my other’s sister face.

“I was just teasing,” Melanie shrugged. “No need to be so ‘catty’.” I shivered as she directed the last word of her retort directly toward me. Thankfully, though, this silences Melanie’s ‘teasing’ for the rest of the evening.

After Melanie left, though, and as I helped Sonia clear away the plates, my anxiety started to rise again when I sensed her looking at me with a serious look on her face.

“Liam,” Sonia said quietly. “Can I talk to you for a bit, please?” Please? I thought to myself. This must be important.

“Okay,” I shrugged.

“Liam, I- I heard what Melanie said to you, when she was teasing you,” Sonia said. “The ‘catty’ remark. I know what she used to do, how she made you dress up on her birthday.” I felt my cheeks start to burn as all the memories came flooding back to me- of course she knew, she probably laughed at all the videos too…

“I- I’m sorry,” I mumbled. I don’t know why I apologised- growing up, it seemed to be all I'd ever say to my sisters whenever they made me feel small.

“Hey,” Sonia said, placing a supportive hand on my shoulder, though even that gesture made me flinch. “YOU don’t need to apologise. I- I’m the one who should apologise, Melanie too. The way we bullied you when you were younger- and we were bullies, I acknowledge that and accept that- it- it was wrong. And I can see how tense you are around me and Mel, ever since- well, ‘ever since’.”

“I’m- umm, okay,” I mumble, catching my tongue before apologising again.

“I will speak to Mel,” Sonia said supportively. “I’ll let her know that she needs to dial back her ‘teasing’ a bit, especially now as you’re not a little kid anymore. And I promise you, cross my heart, we will never, EVER force you to, well, ‘dress up’ again. You have my word.”

“Th- thanks,” I whispered, though on the inside, I felt my heart break all over again.

Because, you see... I WANT to dress up as a girl.

Don't get me wrong, I never liked being bullied by my sisters. I didn't like being treated as their plaything, but whenever they played their 'games', for a brief moment, I could pretend that I was their sister. I could pretend that I wasn’t the ‘odd one out’, and I could share in the fun and the love that my sisters so obviously shared with each other. More importantly, I could believe that I'd been accepted by them as a girl, and whenever I 'presented' myself to my parents, a part of me always hoped that they'd accept me as their third daughter- that they'd accept me as 'Lisa'.

Of course, I know that these thoughts were just a childish fantasy, but it's one I've clung on to for as long as I can remember. I know- knew, rather, that my parents would never have accepted me as 'Lisa'. But when they died, as guilty as I feel to admit this, a part of me wondered if it meant that Sonia or Melanie would allow- not 'force', like they did in the past, but allow me to become Lisa. But now, I see that can never be the case.

But that won't stop me from wondering. Because, you see, in my mind, I am still 'Lisa'. In my heart, I am still 'Lisa'. On the inside, I'll probably always be 'Lisa'. I just wish that one day, in the future, I’ll be allowed to be 'Lisa' on the outside as well...

“Liam?” Sonia calls from the living room, making me groan as I wake up. “Come on, time to get up!”

“Yeah, I’m awake,” I reply, not even bothering to stifle my yawn.

It’s been two weeks since I started my new school, and in that time, I’ve gradually started to settle into my new routine. I get up, I get dressed, I go to school, I sit in my lessons, I come home, I go to bed. The same thing pretty much every other student at the school does, but for me, everything still feels alien, like I'm living someone else's life. Every day I wake up, I’m keenly aware that I’m not in the place I still consider to be my home, and that when I leave my bedroom, my parents aren’t there to greet me- nor will they ever be again. I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t cried myself to sleep at any point over the past couple of weeks.

Sonia, though, has gone above and beyond to make me feel as at home as possible. In the last few weeks, my bedroom has gone from an empty box with a bed in it to something much more 'me'. My shelves have my books and DVDs on them, my walls have been adorned with posters of cars and my favourite sports team, the LA Lakers, and my wardrobe is full of clothes- boys’ clothes. Shirts, trousers, jumpers… but nothing that would be suitable for ‘Lisa’.

Ever since our talk after Melanie’s birthday, nothing more has been said about the ‘dress-up sessions’ I had- or rather, my sisters forced me to have. As far as Sonia’s concerned, it’s clearly a thing of the past, and as we haven’t seen Melanie since her birthday, she obviously hasn’t had the chance to ‘tease’ me about it either. And yet, as hard as I try, I can’t stop thinking about it. Every day at school, I see the girls nonchalantly wearing their pleated skirts, their thick tights and tiny black shoes, with their hair long, in ponytails or buns, and all I can think is: how can they be so blasé about it? I would give anything just to be able to go to school as a girl, to come home as a girl and spend time with my sisters, AS their sister. And yet, I can’t. Because every time I have this type of thought, one more invasive thought plagues my mind: what would my parents have thought?

Of course, there’s no way of knowing for certain. Mum and dad could’ve been perfectly fine with me wishing I was a girl. They could’ve enabled me, even encouraged me and defended me from the inevitable abuse I’d have got from my sisters. Alternatively, they could’ve been ballistically angry and sent me to some kind of super-strict military boarding school somewhere. Though even at a place like that, I doubt the other students would've been any different from the boys I encounter every day at my new school.

“Alright, Liam?” Harry- the boy who sits closest to me in form (and would sit next to me if not for covid) and ‘unofficial guide’ to my new school says as I drop my bag under my desk and sit down next to him.

“Alright,” I reply, trying not to sigh at the fact that today is starting just the same as every other day since the start of the school year- and will inevitably continue that way as well. “Did you have a good weekend?”

“Meh, same as always,” Harry replies with a shrug. “Couldn’t go anywhere or do anything so just played FIFA and Call of Duty all weekend. You?”

“The same,” I reply with a shrug, even though I don't actually own a games console, much less any of the games Harry spends every evening sat in front of. “Just- yep.”

“Ugh, yeah,” Harry snorts. “Really miss going to Loftus Road with my dad, the sooner football grounds reopen, the better.” I bite my lip as my friend inadvertently reminds me that I no longer have the option of doing ANYTHING with my father anymore- not that he, or indeed anyone else at the school knows that.

“Yeah,” I whisper.

“Did you ever go to many matches?” Harry asks as I inwardly grimace. “In Luton, I mean.”

“Uh- not really,” I reply as I wonder if Harry ever thinks about anything other than football.

“Heh, guess you wouldn’t want to waste the money,” my new friend teases. I open my mouth to reply, but immediately suppress a sigh of relief as Mr. Simmons arrives to start the form session.

My first lesson of the day (after form) is History, which I spend sitting with Harry, listening to him and the other boys in our ‘group’ talking about the very unhistorical topics of football and videogames. The second lesson is maths, which progresses the exact same way. Then comes breaktime, which I spend hanging out with Harry and his friends telling their usual stories, while I barely listen and don’t contribute at all. The only time I really pay attention is when the boys start talking about the girls in their classes- though even then, the only thing they talk about is which girls they think are ‘up for it’. Fortunately, breaktime ends quickly enough, but my heart then sinks as I realise that my third lesson of the day is PE- meaning I go from twenty minutes of talking about football to sixty minutes of playing it. After I change, though, I’m reminded of one of the quirks of my new school’s layout- that the boys’ changing rooms are adjacent to the girls’. What that means is that as we head out to the playing fields, we get to see the girls heading into the nearby sports hall, most dressed in plain t-shirts and shorts, but a select few are dressed in very fancy-looking multi-coloured leotards.

My attention must have lingered on the girls for too long, as the next thing I know, Harry is giving me a subtle elbow in my ribs, followed by a snort of laughter.

“Go on, which girl were you looking at?” Harry teases me.

“Umm, I- I don’t really know any of them well enough to, you know, ‘look’ like that,” I reply truthfully- in the two weeks I’ve been at the school, I’ve maybe exchanged ten words in total with any of the girls in all of my classes.

“Yeah, you don’t really need to know their names to know which ones are fit though, do you?” Harry asks with another snort of laughter.

“I was- I was just wondering why none of the girls do football,” I reply defensively. “I mean, the Lionesses did reach the semis of last year’s World Cup, right?”

“Meh, that’s just how it is,” Harry retorts. “Boys do footy, girls do gymnastics. Probably afraid of getting their hair muddy, heh. But look at it this way- if the girls did football, we’d then have to do gymnastics, and do you want to spend all afternoon prancing around in a leotard?”

“Umm, nope,” I reply, earning a smirk from my new friend as we start warming up, while my mind drifts back to when my sisters gave me an 'impromptu PE lesson'.

“Come on Liam- sorry, Lisa!” Melanie said as my cheeks flushed. “We haven’t got all day!” I kept my head bowed low as I walked into my sister’s bedroom, where both she and Sonia let out a howl of laughter as they saw me desperately trying to keep the straps of Melanie’s baggy (on me, at least) red leotard from slipping off my shoulders.

“Not exactly Beth Tweddle, is she?” Sonia asked between laughs.

“More like Beth Waddle!” Melanie sniggered. “Come on, come on! We haven’t got all day, and you do want to make the most of your gymnastics lesson, don’t you?”

“I feel stupid,” I feebly mumbled in reply.

“Oh, don’t be like that!” Sonia chastised me. “I’m sure you’ll grow into the leotard, hehe! Now come on, we don’t have all day!”

“And aren’t you grateful I kept the leotard so that you could have it one day?” Melanie- who by this point, was seventeen and hadn’t actually done any gymnastics for four years- asked. Naturally, all I could do is nod in reply- by that point, I was eight years old and had long since learned that the fastest way to deal with my sisters’ abuse was to just grin and bear it, and hope that it’d be over and done with as soon as possible.

“Okay,” Sonia said, assuming the unofficial role of ‘coach’. “Now first things first, show me how to do a forward roll!” With my head held low, I lowered myself to the floor and rolled forward, hoping in vain that this would be the end of my torment. Naturally, my sisters weren’t even close to done with me.

“You call THAT a forward roll?” Melanie sneered. “Do it properly this time!”

“And try to cover yourself up a bit more!” Sonia laughed as I hastily clutched the gusset of the leotard. “What self-respecting gymnast would do a forward roll with their panties showing?” With my cheeks on fire, I performed another forward roll, only quicker this time, and stood up into a proper ‘gymnast’s pose’ when I was done. Even this wasn’t enough for my sisters, who spent the next twenty minutes drilling me, prodding me and constantly tormenting me as I rolled around Melanie’s bedroom for the next 15 minutes, before finally being allowed to take the leotard off.

Even that, though, was more enjoyable than running around the football pitch for an hour with a bunch of teenaged meatheads. And even though we're tired from the afternoon's exertions as we head back to the changing rooms, that doesn't stop Harry from picking up his 'interrogation' from where he left off.

“So come on, then,” Harry chuckles. “Now that you’ve had time to think about it, which one of the girls do you fancy the most?"

“Wh- what, of the gymnasts?” I ask.

“Sure, I guess,” Harry replies with a shrug. “Or any other girl you fancy, like.” Sensing that my friend isn’t going to drop the subject, I gaze over at the girls heading back into their changing rooms, looking for any girl that Harry might agree is 'fit'.

“Umm, the- the one at the end there,” I say gesturing to a brown-haired girl in a sleeveless leotard. Needless to say, I quickly discover that this was the wrong answer.

“…What, Lily?” Harry asks with a chuckle. “Lily Ruddock?”

“Is that her name?” I ask, trying to nonchalantly shrug off the fact that Harry’s going to tease me for days for this faux pas. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Oh, mate,” Harry says between roars of laughter. “I- I get that you probably don’t know, but there’s a reason this school’s known as ‘London’s trans school’, heh!”

“What, trans as in-“ I ask, trying desperately to disguise the fact that my heart is almost fluttering with excitement.

“Oh, mate,” Harry repeats, still laughing uncontrollably. “There’s a bit more to the story than just that, I’ll tell you about it tomorrow if you remind me.”

“Fair enough,” I say with a shrug, even as my heart continues to beat faster at the news.

A ‘trans school’? I think to myself. This is the first I’ve heard of it. Why is this the first I’ve heard of it? Lily’s even in a couple of my classes, not that I’ve ‘noticed’ her up to now. Did I subconsciously choose her because I somehow ‘knew’ about her? She’s completely indistinguishable from a cis girl- she was even wearing a leotard, for heaven’s sake.

Needless to say, Lily- more specifically, what Harry said about her- sticks in my brain all throughout my final lesson of the day, even though she isn’t even in the class. When the bell rings to signal the end of the school day, it’s all I can do not to run out of the building in my eagerness to get home- an eagerness my sister quickly picks up on when I do eventually walk through the front door.

“Afternoon, then,” Sonia says with a chuckle as I take off my coat and shoes and immediately sit down on the sofa, phone in hand. “…Hi Sonia, nice to see you. I get that teenagers are meant to be obsessed with their phones, but THIS is a bit much. Are you messaging a girl, maybe?” I try not to flinch at the teasing tone of voice Sonia uses- which isn't easy when I heard it for virtually every day of my life as a child.

“No,” I mumble in reply, hoping in vain that this will satisfy my sister, not least because I am checking out the Facebook profile of a girl- specifically, Lily Ruddock, whose profile was easy to find through the few friends I’ve already made at school who have added me on Facebook.

“Messaging a boy?” Sonia teases, smirking as I glare at her. “Okay, okay, no need to be like THAT. D’you want anything in particular for dinner?”

“I don’t mind,” I reply with a shrug as I continue to examine Lily’s Facebook page.

Everything about Lily- or at least, her Facebook page- suggests that she is an ordinary thirteen-year-old girl. Her page is full of memes and viral videos, there are loads of photos and videos of her and her friends, her family (including her VERY attractive older sister) and her dancing on the tips of her toes at a ballet class (which looks extremely painful, but Lily looks effortlessly elegant doing it). Her page is certainly a far cry from my own page, which is filled with sports memes and videos of TV shows like Top Gear or The Mandalorian. Looking at the life Lily has, compared with what my life is- or, moreover, could’ve been- I can’t help but be filled with a twinge of envy. As so often happens, I close my eyes and wonder what it'd be like to just show up to school tomorrow as a girl and have everyone accept 'Lisa' for who she is- even though I know, deep down, that it'll never happen.

After dinner, I head through to my room to do homework, but my attention keeps drifting back to my phone- specifically, Lily’s Facebook profile again. I briefly consider sending her a friend request, but the fact that we’ve never so much as exchanged two words at school, and the fact that we have precisely zero mutual friends puts an end to that idea. Nonetheless, even as I go to bed, I can’t stop thinking about her- or rather, how I could’ve had the life she has, if only I’d been brave enough to tell my parents the truth while I had the chance.

My phone’s alarm wakes me at 7am the following morning, and I waste no time in eating breakfast and getting dressed- though I take care not to appear TOO eager to get to school- I don't want another grilling from Sonia, after all. Nonetheless, I’m soon on my way out the door and heading toward my school, where I try (to no avail, sadly) to stealthily keep an eye out for Lily en route to my form room. Before long, I'm sat down next to Harry, ready to start the day.

“Morning,” I say to my friend and ‘guide’.

“Morning,” Harry replies, and even though I brace myself for more teasing regarding Lily, to my surprise, it’s not forthcoming- either he’s genuinely forgotten about his promise yesterday, or he’s waiting for me to bring it up- which would no doubt result in more teasing from him. However, I don’t get the opportunity to find out which one it is, as Mr. Simmons quickly arrives to start the form session.

Harry is in neither of my first two lessons of the day- and, more to the point, neither is Lily- meaning the next opportunity to speak to him is at breaktime, and it’s virtually impossible to get a word in edgeways with the boys talking about their usual shit. All the while, while pretending to listen to my new friends, I can’t help but focus on the table where Lily is sat, along with a load of other girls (and surprisingly, a couple of boys too). Even as my (male) friends speak, my thoughts are occupied with what it must be like to be one of those girls, and what they’re all talking about- something I've wondered about for many, many years.

“Ugh,” I groaned with frustration as I laid in my bed, unable to sleep due to the noise from directly beneath me. It was Sonia’s eighteenth birthday party, and while I went to bed early (having only just turned six myself), the noise coming from the living room ensured I wasn’t going to get much rest no matter what. And then, the inevitable happened.

“Oh Liam…” Melanie teased outside my bedroom door. “Come down and join the party!”

“I’m tired,” I feebly retorted. “I don’t want to…”

“No, come down and join the party now!” Melanie insisted, and just as I had countless times before, I felt myself climb out of bed, wondering what humiliation my sisters had in mind for me when I eventually did go downstairs- though this time, I didn’t even make it past my bedroom door.

“Melanie!” Dad snapped. “You know your brother doesn’t belong at that party, so leave the poor boy alone and let him sleep!”

“Thanks, dad,” I mumbled as Melanie slunk back downstairs, glad to be spared my usual humiliation even as a part of me frowned at his words- ‘doesn’t belong at that party’. Or any girls’ party. Or any girl's anything, even…

My third lesson of the day is IT, and while it’s usually one of my favourite lessons anyway, today that’s even more true as I step into the computer room to discover Lily sat at one of the PCs a few seats along from me- not that she notices me, of course. I try not to gaze as I sit down and Miss Henderson starts the lesson, but all throughout the hour, I keep glancing across the room at Lily. However, just as with her Facebook page, there’s nothing to suggest that she’s anything other than an ordinary 13 year old girl, and as the lesson ends, she grabs her bag and heads outside with the rest of her friends, none the wiser about my ‘looking’ at her- and especially not about the conflict I feel deep down inside.

Rather than follow my normal route out to where my friends are waiting, I instead follow Lily and her friends out of the building and toward the playground, taking care not to get TOO close to her- I’m all too aware of how my behaviour could be perceived as creepy, stalkerish, even. And yet, I can’t shake this feeling from my mind that this girl is living the life I desperately want to- not that all the other girls in school aren’t, of course, but after what Harry said yesterday, I feel this burning sensation whenever I look at Lily. Is this jealousy?

My question, however, goes unanswered when my 'guide' suddenly appears from out of nowhere.

“Alright mate?” Harry asks as I try not to frown at my train of thought being interrupted. “You lost or something? Quickest way out to the playing field’s down the east stairs.”

“Umm, yeah, I- I’m, like, still getting used to the school, finding my way around, sort of thing,” I half-heartedly mumble in reply. “Want to get familiar with it, like.”

“Okay,” Harry says with a shrug as I breathe a sigh of relief. “It’s got nothing to do with the fact your ‘girlfriend’ is about twenty feet ahead of us, does it?” Shit! I think to myself.

“What?” I ask defensively, even though it's obvious that I know exactly what Harry's talking about.

“The same girl you were perving over yesterday afternoon, after footy?” Harry says, laughing as I roll my eyes. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Not until I need a good laugh, anyway!”

“’Thanks’,” I snort sarcastically as we head out of the building where, as I had originally planned, we walk past the table where Lily sits with her friends, all of whom are deep in conversation and don't even notice our presence. As we pass the table, though, a loud shriek of laughter from one of the girls stops us in our tracks and makes Harry sigh and roll his eyes.

“That’s one of the special needs kids,” Harry explains to me, before turning his attention to the table. “Zip it, Rosie Jones!” Before we can move on, though, the same girl stands up and stares directly at us- though what she says surprises me.

“Aww, thank you!” The girl replies in an unsteady but determined voice.

“What?” Harry sneers. “What are you thanking me for?”

“For calling me Rosie Jones!” The girl replies.

“How is THAT a compliment?” Harry scoffs.

“It’s a compliment,” the girl replies, “because Rosie Jones is my hero! She’s a successful comedian, a TV presenter and a national celebrity, and despite her disability, she’s done more with her life than either of you two fucking losers ever will! If you really wanted to insult me, you should have called me by YOUR name!” I feel my cheeks burn as the others at the table all cheer their friend on- but what I’m most embarrassed about isn’t the put-down, but rather the fact that they- especially Lily- are lumping me in the same group as Harry.

“Whatever,” Harry snorts as he walks away, practically dragging me after him. I can’t help but feel miserable as I go, though- not because of the insult that was just hurled in my face, but because now, thanks to Harry, there's NO way Lily will ever want to be friends with me...

Naturally, the insult isn’t brought up when we eventually rendezvous with the rest of our group, but it plays on my mind all throughout the lunch period and the final lesson of the day. I let out a sigh of relief when the bell finally rings to signal the end of the school day, hastily gathering up my stuff and getting ready to make the short walk home. As I walk through the corridors, though, my stomach churns when I see, a short distance in front of me, the same girl that Harry insulted at lunchtime, slowly making her way down the corridor with the aid of her crutches. I frown as a familiar sensation of shame starts to overwhelm me- every word she said cut me just as deeply as the 'teasing' I got from Sonia and Melanie when I was younger. However, unlike my sisters, this girl is the same age as me- and unlike my sisters' malicious behaviour, her anger is justified, even if Harry is who it should really be aimed at. I take a deep breath as I slowly walk alongside her, trying not to flinch as she notices me.

“H- hi,” I say quietly, flinching as the dark-haired girl glares at me angrily.

“What do YOU want?” She snarls. “Come to call me more names? Maybe kick my crutches away? It’s nothing I haven’t heard or been through before.”

“Umm- no, I- I want to apologise,” I say, biting my lip as the girl stops in her tracks, but keeps frowning. “What Harry said, it- umm, him insulting you was uncalled for, but I- I thought it was cool how you, like, took it as a compliment, if that makes sense.”

“…Well I accept your apology,” the girl says, “but you didn’t apologise for what YOU did.” Huh? I think to myself as I replay the incident over and over in my mind.

“But I- I didn’t do anything,” I stammer.

“Exactly,” the girl sneers. “You just stood back and let him take the piss.”

“I- I didn’t agree with him,” I plead.

“Could’ve fooled me,” the girl spits as she walks away again, no doubt heading home to tell all her friends- especially Lily- how I botched this apology and how I’m no better than Harry.

“Okay, I- I’m sorry I didn’t speak up,” I say, trying my best to show how sincere I am. “I- I don’t know what it’s like for you to experience what you did, and I should’ve called it out.” Much to my relief, the girl turns back to me and a smile starts to spread across her face. “And for what it’s worth, I- I like the Last Leg, so- yeah. I think Rosie Jones is cool too.”

“Okay,” the girl muses. “That’s step one toward not being a dickhead anymore.”

“Th- thanks, I think,” I chuckle. “What’s step two?”

“Step two is asking what step two is,” the girl says, before letting out a loud, genuine laugh. “I’m Daisy, by the way, Daisy Hawkins.”

“Liam Maxwell,” I reply. “I would shake your hand, but, you know, covid.”

“And I’m not a big fan of falling over,” Daisy says, gesturing to her crutches. “I’d better go before my parents think I HAVE fallen over or something.”

“O- okay,” I say, exchanging a smile with my new friend before heading out of the school building, feeling relieved that instead of an enemy, I've ended up making a new friend- especially as it means that I'm now technically a 'friend of a friend' of Lily.

As always, when I return home, I take off my shoes and my coat and drop my bag in the hallway, before parking myself down on the sofa, phone in hand. When I unlock it, I let out a grunt of surprise when I realise that when I’d locked it this morning, I’d been on Lily’s Facebook page. Even though it hasn’t been updated since then- as she’s been at school like me, obviously- I still lazily scroll through her many photos and videos, imagining what it would be like to live her life.

“Good afternoon to you too,” Sonia says as she exits the kitchen and sees me sat on the sofa. I hastily put my phone back in my pocket before looking up at my sister and forcing a smile on my face.

“Hi,” I mumble, trying to detract attention from my phone- though as I know from experience (and lots of it), all this does is draw my sister's attention directly toward it.

“What were you looking at?” Sonia asks, reaching for my pocket only to pull away when I flinch. “…There’s no need to be so defensive, I’m just curious, that’s all.”

“It- it’s nothing,” I reply.

“The same ‘nothing’ you were obsessing over yesterday?” Sonia teases, before sighing as I blush. “Okay, okay, I know you want your privacy, I won’t ‘poke’ any further.” I smile and nod, only to frown with confusion as Sonia’s cheeks suddenly start to redden. “Though… actually, talk- umm, on the subject, of- like, you know…” My sister stammers. “Are you- like, have you- when, like, dad was alive, did he- I mean, did he and you, like, discuss-“

“If- if you mean sex, then yes, we did,” I mumble, my own cheeks quickly flushing.

“Oh thank god,” Sonia whispers, before taking a deep breath. “Well, you- if, like, you need any, umm, advice- or, I mean, help- or, you know, if you have any questions, I’m-“

“Th- thanks,” I interrupt, making my sister somehow look even more relieved than before. I doubt I could ask you about what I really want to, though, I ruefully think to myself.

“So, then…” Sonia says as the devilish smile slowly returns to her face. “What’s her name?” So much for ‘privacy’, I think to myself. “Oh, come on, you know I’m only going to keep asking until you tell me, and it’s not like I can go blurting it out to anyone, is it?” I wouldn’t put it past you to find a way, I think as I sigh and hand over my phone. “So then… Lily Ruddock? Nice name. Not a bad looking girl, either. Ooh, and a dancer, too? No wonder she’s your first crush, hehe!”

“She’s not my crush,” I mumble. “She’s- she’s just, like, a friend from school.” Who I desperately want to be like, I mentally continue.

“SURE she is,” Sonia giggles as she hands me back my phone. “Then why haven’t you sent her a friend request yet?” Shit, I haven’t, have I? I think as I hastily lock my phone to protect what little privacy I have left.

“I, umm, I- I’ve not really, like, got to know her, or talked to her much…” I feebly mumble as a disapproving look spreads across my sister’s face.

“Ugh, Liam…” Sonia sighs. “It- it’s okay to have a crush on someone, okay? But- but don’t, you know, be too, like, ‘eager’…”

“Umm… okay?” I mumble, confused by Sonia's advice even if she still believes Lily to be my crush.

“I mean-“ Sonia says, before taking a deep breath. “You’re getting to the age that- well, what I mean is- don’t- don’t be creepy, okay?”

“…Okay?” I say, frowning as I realise that yes, envying the life of another teenager- especially one the opposite gender- could be considered 'creepy'. However, as Sonia continues, I realise that's not exactly what she meant.

“What I mean is-“ Sonia says, before sighing again. “Don’t be a stalker, okay? You’re getting to that age- which means that this girl is too- that, well, ‘things’ start to, like, become more important to you. And that’s okay, but obsessing over a girl can- and, like, not that I’m accusing you of anything, but- but be sensitive to how SHE feels. And if she wants you to leave her alone, you do so, and that means online as well, okay?”

“Okay,” I repeat for the third time as I silently pray for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. Though as embarrassed as I feel right now, I know one way it could be much, much worse. “Can- can you not tell Melanie about this, please?”

“I- I don’t see why she needs to know,” Sonia replies with a warm smile that I mirror. “Now come on, I need your help getting dinner ready, unless you plan on sitting on your arse all afternoon?”

“Fine,” I say as I follow my sister into the kitchen. Maybe I do have a crush on Lily as well? I guess it's not impossible, she IS cute, despite what Harry says. Though the more I think about it, the more I realise that if I had to choose between being Lily, or being her boyfriend, I'd choose the former in a heartbeat.

After dinner, I follow my normal routine of heading to my bedroom, ostensibly to do homework, but despite my sister’s caution, it doesn’t take me long for me to find my way back onto my phone and onto Facebook. My heart almost skips a beat as I quickly discover that Lily has posted a new photo of her and several of her friends- but, noticeably, not Daisy- at their newly reopened ballet class, each posing gracefully in their black leotards, pink tights and shiny toe shoes with their hair in tight, immaculate buns. As I look, I grow ever more jealous of how effortlessly feminine she is- literally every inch of her screams 'girl', and there isn't a single cell in my body that can claim the same. I'm not even able to pretend, as much as I want to- even if I did muster up the courage to wear any of my sister's clothes, I'd never get the chance to, as she never leaves the flat, not even for work. It’s ironic- the same sister who didn’t hesitate to dress me up in her clothes when I was younger is the reason why I can’t do so now.

I do eventually finish my homework before going to bed, but once again, my dreams are filled with thoughts of the girl I can’t stop thinking about- alongside thoughts of myself being a ballerina alongside her.

Wednesday morning starts just as Monday and Tuesday did, and much to my relief, Sonia doesn’t pick up yesterday’s conversation about Lily from where we left off. In fact, we hardly exchange any words before the time comes for her to log in to her work terminal and me to make the short walk to my school, where I internally brace myself for yet more teasing from my ‘new best friend’. When I arrive, though, I am greeted by one of my newest friends- but not Harry.

“Hi Liam!” Daisy says with a wide, beaming grin as I approach.

“Oh, umm, hi Daisy!” I reply, surprised by the girl’s change of attitude from yesterday, but glad she's not staring daggers at me anymore. “Nice to, like, talk to you!”

“You too!” Daisy says with a loud laugh. “And this was step three, by the way: not being ashamed to talk to me in front of everyone!”

“…Why would I be?” I ask, sharing a grin with my newest friend.

“Exactly,” Daisy says, before she hobbles away to meet up with her friends, all of whom are smiling supportively at both her and, surprisingly me- including Lily.

“What were you talking to HER about?” Harry sneers as he comes up to me- clearly still smarting from his verbal beatdown yesterday.

“Oh- nothing, really,” I semi-lie in reply as I ponder the difference between the two greetings I received today- sneering from Harry, but smiles and acceptance from Daisy, Lily and her friends. In less than sixty seconds, I've had firm proof that it's much, much better to be friends with girls than with boys- just as, in my heart, I truly know that it'd be much, much better to be a girl than a boy. And now that I’m friends with Daisy, I can get closer to Lily, and learn what I need to know to grow closer to the one girl I want to be closest to of all- to Lisa.

“Have a good day!” Sonia calls after me as I leave our flat, on my way to start another day of school.

“Will do,” I reply, even though deep down, I'm almost certain that I won't.

It’s been a month since I started my new school, and while I'm sure I might give the impression of having settled into the school, on the inside, my head is still spinning from my new circumstances.

Despite having made peace with Daisy, I’m still no closer to actually being friends with her, let alone Lily or any of the other girls. I still spend my days at school hanging out with Harry, pretending to be interested in what he has to say and playing the part of the stereotypical teenaged boy- as much as it frustrates me. Thankfully, due to covid, my interaction with Harry and his other meathead friends means that any time I spend with them begins and ends at the school gates- not that I’d want to hang out with them at the weekend, even if we were allowed to. And given Harry’s reaction to me making peace with Daisy, I’m not sure they’d want to either- though thankfully he hasn’t used it as an excuse to make my life at school even more miserable, even if he is more 'wary' around me as a result. God only knows how he’d react if he learned the truth about me…

Thankfully, though, not only has Harry not learned the truth about me, neither has anyone else- especially not Sonia or Melanie. And yet, every day it gets a little harder as I feel like I’m confronted by femininity everywhere I look, especially at school- and especially when I look at the girl whose life I desperately wish I was living. However, as always, Lily barely even acknowledges my existence as I walk past her on my way into school- unlike her friend standing next to her.

“Hi Liam!” Daisy yells as I walk past, and even though I smile and wave at her, I can’t help but cringe- not that I feel ashamed to have a disabled friend, but at what one of my other 'friends' inevitably says next.

“I can’t believe you’re still talking to her,” Harry sneers as we head toward our form room. Is he STILL smarting from the verbal beatdown she gave him?

“It’s not hurting anyone, saying hi,” I reply with a shrug.

“It’s hurting your image, mate,” Harry retorts. “Do you really want to be the boy who fancies the spaz?” Nice, I think to myself as I try not to roll my eyes.

“I don’t FANCY her,” I protest.

“Doubt anyone’ll ever fancy her,” Harry says with a malicious snort of laughter as our form tutor arrives to start the day.

The first three lessons of the day pass by in a haze, just as they’ve been doing for the past few weeks. I sit down in class next to Harry or one of the other boys in ‘our group’, do my work and try not to think too hard about everyone lumping me in with these knuckle draggers, or about Lily, or any of the other girls in class and how I jealous I feel of them- and especially not about what mum and dad would have thought about their youngest kid being borderline obsessed with one of the girls in the school. Then again, given that I'm obsessed with BEING one of the girls in the school, they'd probably see my obsession with Lily- who is a pretty girl, after all- as something 'normal', rather than creepy...

The final lesson after lunch, though, is different. After spending 45 minutes listening to Harry prattle on about football, WWE and who know (or cares) what else, I head to the school’s computer suite for my IT lesson. Under ordinary circumstances, this would be my favourite lesson of the day anyway, but one thing makes it even better- the presence of Lily Ruddock just a few computers away from me. Naturally, this does have the side effect of making me more anxious as well, even if- or especially because- I know nothing will change by the end of the lesson. Lily will still barely be aware of my existence, and I'll still be no closer to ever being 'Lisa'. Or so I thought, anyway…

“Good afternoon, everyone,” Miss Henderson says as we log onto our PCs. “We’re starting a new project today, and for it, I want you to work in pairs so you can share the work between each other. You’re going to be designing a web page for a fictional school club or society- it can be about anything, as long as it’s appropriate and it’s something you’re both interested in. And just to make it more interesting, I want you to pair off boy/girl.” Naturally, a collective groan goes up from the class at this news, and while I outwardly join in with the groan, behind my facemask, I’m grinning, and my heart is racing with excitement, as there’s only one girl I want to work with.

“H- hi,” I say nervously as I walk up to Lily, who regards me with a blank expression on her face- and it’s unlikely that she’ll have as wide a grin as me behind her mask, or indeed any smile at all. “Do you- do you want to work together? Like, on the project?”

“Sure,” Lily replies with a shrug, making space for my chair at her computer before straightening her pleated skirt, not realising or not caring about my conflicted feelings about that simple action. How are you so effortlessly feminine? I think to myself. And how can I be…

“I- I’m Liam, by the way,” I say.

“Lily,” the brown-haired girl replies, and I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from saying ‘I know’ in reply. “Daisy’s said a couple of nice things about you, not like the other BOYS in our year, heh.” Point in my favour, I suppose, I think to myself as I nervously giggle.

“Y- yeah,” I say.

“We’re going to need to think of a topic for this webpage,” Lily says as she turns back to the computer. So much for getting to know each other, then… “I’m guessing you don’t have much interest in things like ballet and gymnastics?” More than you’d think, I think to myself.

“…Not really,” I reply with a shrug. “I don’t suppose you like basketball, do you?”

“Not really,” Lily replies with a chuckle. “My sister used to go out with a basketball player though, so I guess I can ask her.” I catch my tongue yet again before asking Lily if, by her sister, she means the attractive blonde girl on her Facebook page- as we’re not yet friends on Facebook, that’s a trap I DON’T want to fall into. Fortunately, though, Lily continues talking before I can make a fool of myself. “Do you like videogames?”

“Umm, sure,” I reply with a shrug. "I've not got a console, but I play games on my laptop sometimes."

“Cool, same here,” Lily replies. “And I've also got a PS4. Well, technically it’s my sister’s PS4, but I play on it more than she does, so- yeah.”

“Yeah,” I say, my heart beating faster and my palms starting to sweat- is it really THIS easy to get to know Lily? “So- umm, do you still live with your sister, then?”

“Yeah,” Lily sighs. “She’s at uni now so she SHOULD have moved out, but because of covid she can’t even go to any student parties, so- yeah. Could be worse though, at least my older brother doesn’t live with us anymore. THAT would suck big time. How about you, do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Umm, yeah,” I reply. “Two older sisters, both a lot older than me.”

“Ah, that’s cool,” Lily says, clearly smiling behind her mask. “I bet it’s a lot more fun than having a much older brother.” You’d assume, I think to myself as I bite my lip nervously.

“Oh Liam!” Melanie called from her bedroom, making my heart sink as I knew what was coming next.

“Come here, Liam!” Sonia yelled, and knowing better than to argue, I lowered my 7-year-old form off my bed and slunk through to my oldest sister’s bedroom where, as expected, she and Melanie were waiting for me- as was the outfit laid out on their bed. A tiny, pleated skirt, shiny tights and a lacy white long-sleeved top- something they clearly saw as silly and humiliating for me, but which I privately saw as exciting and fun- even if it would be far too big for me.

“We thought you seemed bored, so we came up with a dressing-up game for you!” Melanie said, the glint in her eye as evil as ever. “Aren’t we thoughtful?”

“I’m not bored,” I meekly mumbled.

“Liam!” Sonia snapped. “We go to all this effort, and THIS is how you respond?”

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“I didn’t hear that?” Sonia said, even though I knew full well even then that she did.

“I’m sorry!” I shouted, taking the opportunity presented to raise my voice- which, seconds later, had the desired effect.

“What are you shouting about, Liam?” Dad asked as he entered my sister’s room. “And why are you in your sister’s room?”

“Yeah, Liam, why are you in here?” Sonia asked, barely disguising the cruel smile on her face. Dad, however, wasn’t fooled for a second, especially not when he saw the clothes on my sister’s bed.

“…When are you two going to grow up?” Dad sighed, the disappointment clear in his voice. “Liam- go back to your bedroom, I’ll talk to you in a bit. And no, you are NOT in trouble.”

“Okay, dad,” I mumbled as I slunk out of the room, relieved to no longer be dealing with my sisters’ bullying, but secretly disappointed- a very, very large part of me secretly yearned to wear the outfit...

“…Not really,” I said to Lily, my attention returning to the present.

“Meh, I suppose it wouldn’t be, not for a boy, anyway,” Lily shrugged. “God knows my sister got it bad from her brother too while she was growing up.” ‘Her’ brother, not 'our' brother? I briefly think to myself, mentally filing the thought away before returning to the task at hand.

“Should we focus the webpage on one particular game?” I ask, hoping to change the topic to something a little less awkward.

“Best not,” Lily replies. “Don’t want Miss Henderson accusing us of making a gaming webpage instead of, you know, a school club webpage like we’re meant to be.”

“Mm-hm,” I mumble, trying not to stare as Lily slips off her tiny black flats and stretches her toes inside her opaque grey tights. “Are your- are your feet hurting?”

“Meh, not really, just a little stiff,” Lily replies. “I had my ballet class last night and pointe shoes, while cute, can really SUCK sometimes.”

“Umm, okay,” I reply, finding myself thankful that neither of my sisters ever tried to put my feet into pointe shoes, whatever they are. “Is- is your class actually open, then?”

“Zoom class,” Lily replies, before smirking devilishly behind her mask. “Why, should I tell my teacher you’re interested in joining?” What, pulling on a pair of pink tights, a skin-tight leotard and gliding around a room like a swan? More than anything… I think to myself. “It’s okay, I’m just having a little fun,” Lily clarifies, smiling supportively as she sees me start to blush. “I only really started ‘cause my sister loves it, and- yeah. Anyway, we’d better actually start doing some real work, like. I can start writing up some stuff if you can go back to your PC and look up some pictures, like of a PS4 and some games?”

“Umm, sure,” I say, trying to keep my thoughts from racing as I scoot back to my own PC.

After weeks of stress and borderline anxiety, I finally got to talk to Lily and she… is just an ordinary girl. If she hadn’t been pointed out to me by Harry, I’d probably never even have noticed her. is it really that easy for her to be a girl? Better yet, would it really be that easy for ME to be a girl? Needless to say, these thoughts occupy my mind for the rest of the class, even as I try to work on our project.

Eventually, though, the bell rings to signal the end of the day, and before I even have the chance to pack my books away and sanitise my PC, Lily approaches me, obviously smiling behind her mask.

“Hey Liam!” The pretty brown-haired girl says. “I think we’ve got off to a pretty good start today, but I’ve got a few ideas for the project, do you, you know, want to work on it a bit more tonight? Over Zoom, like?” Seriously? I think to myself as I start to tremble with nerves. Lily is asking ME to- well, do homework together?

“Umm, sure,” I reply with as nonchalant a shrug as I can manage. “You don’t have a dance class or anything tonight, then?” I bite my lip nervously as Lily frowns behind her mask, before rolling her eyes.

“…You’re lucky we’re not allowed to touch each other, or you’d have got a punch for that,” Lily snorts, before giggling and setting my mind at ease. “It’s okay. And no, I’ve not got anything else on tonight. So… shall we say 7pm?”

“Umm, sure!” I repeat with a nervous chuckle. “So, umm, do you- do you walk home?”

“Nah, my dad gives me a lift,” Lily replies. “He’s probably not going to be happy with me offering you a lift, what with covid and everything, so- yeah, sorry.”

“It’s fine, I live, like, only walking distance away anyway,” I say as I finish sanitising my keyboard.

“Will your mum and dad be in when you get home?” Lily asks, making me pause as I’m forced to contemplate the answer to that question.

“…Sort of,” I mumble in reply, biting my lip in a desperate attempt to not cry in the middle of class. “I- umm, I’d better get going. Talk to you tonight!”

“Yep, sure,” Lily says, clearly confused by my sudden change of mood but not questioning it- like I didn't question her mention of her siblings- as I hurry out of the school.

Fortunately, as always, the walk home is a quick one, and I’ve been able to mostly calm myself by the time I return to our flat- though opening the front door to find only Sonia there just serves to drive home how lonely I really am. However, as today has proved, just because I’ve lost the most important members of my family, it doesn’t mean I'll always be alone- as today has proved, making friends is easier than I ever expected. Though I’m still left dreading how my family will react to my new friend…

“Hi Liam,” Sonia says as she momentarily glances away from her workstation. “I’m just on a call right now but I’ll be done soon, then I’ll need your help getting dinner ready.”

“Sure,” I reply. “Oh, and I’m going to be calling someone from school this evening, like as a homework thing, kinda.”

“Okay,” Sonia says with a shrug, before a familiar devilish grin spreads across her face. “This wouldn’t be the famous Lily by any chance, would it?” Well, crap, I think to myself as I scramble to think of a reply that WON’T end up in me being teased for the rest of the evening.

“…It’s just someone from my class,” I reply with a shrug, inwardly smirking that I haven’t TECHNICALLY lied.

“Male or female?” Sonia asks, her grin widening as she sees my cheeks start to redden.

“Aren’t you meant to be on a work call?” I ask.

“Okay, okay,” Sonia says as she replaces her headset, and even though I breathe a sigh of relief that the confrontation is over for now, I know I'm only delaying the inevitable.

Thankfully, Sonia drops the topic as we prepare and eat dinner together, and after allowing myself some time to relax in front of the TV after dinner, I head through to my room for my call, my palms sweaty and my hands shaking- not helped by the comments my sister makes as I shut the door.

“Have fun, tell Lily I said hi,” Sonia teases with an evil giggle. “And no naughty stuff, you’re only thirteen!” My scowl only makes her laughter louder as I close my bedroom door and sit down on my bed and boot up my laptop. Seconds later, I get an invitation to a call, and my ‘study buddy’ appears on screen.

“Hi Liam!” Lily says, smirking as she brushes her loose, mousey brown hair (which had earlier been tied into a ponytail) out of her face. “Hope you don’t mind me calling you a few minutes early, I made the mistake of telling my sister I was video calling a boy and she will NOT let me hear the end of it.”

“Yeah, my sister was taking the piss a bit too,” I chuckle. “But- whatever. I did a little bit more searching online for photos and stuff, I’ll send them through to you.”

“Sure,” Lily says, smiling as she focusses on her work and not on the fact that I'm obviously growing increasingly anxious.

For the next twenty minutes, we set about the task of building our webpage, with me doing most of the writing while Lily handles the technical side. About twenty-five minutes into the work, though, we’re interrupted when a knock comes from Lily’s bedroom door.

“Lily, have you got a sec?” A young woman’s voice asks before popping her head around the door and instantly grinning straight into my friend’s camera.

“Go away, Laura,” Lily says with a frustrated sigh as the girl lets herself into her bedroom. Thankfully, as she does so, she turns her back to her screen, so she doesn't see my jaw drop at the sight of her sister. She’s clearly a LOT taller than Lily but is also slender, her tight long-sleeved top, clingy black miniskirt and translucent black tights doing nothing to disguise her figure, while her long, golden blonde hair frames her face perfectly. This woman, this goddess is undoubtedly the girl of countless boys’ dreams, myself included- though my dreams would inevitably involve being her far more than being with her...

“Is this Liam?” Laura asks, ignoring her sister’s pleas and my blushes as she looks at my screen.

“Is there a reason you barged in here, or are you just being a ‘Ricky’?” Lily asks as I wonder what exactly a ‘Ricky’ is supposed to be.

“Yeah, we wanted to know if you wanted to watch Netflix with us,” Laura replies.

“Well- sure, when I'm done with my homework,” Lily says. “I’ll be down at 8, assuming I don’t get interrupted again!”

“Yes, yes, okay,” Laura says, giggling as my friend rolls her eyes again. “Bye Liam!” I nervously grin and wave as the tall blonde girl slinks out of the room, leaving her sister to sigh and roll her eyes as she turns her attention back to me.

“Ugh, sorry about that,” Lily sighs. "Like, she could easily have sent me a Facebook message, but- yeah. Wouldn't have been able to eavesdrop that way, heh."

“Yeah, big sisters, been there, done that, believe me,” I reply. Been there and had far more than just that done to me as well, I think to myself.

“Ah- yeah, I forgot, sorry,” Lily chuckled.

“S’okay,” I shrug, before taking a deep breath. Now’s as good a time as any to ask, I think to myself. “I guess- I guess it got easier for you, though, after- after, like, the change?”

“…What change?” Lily asks, frowning with confusion.

“You know, y- your change,” I reply, fidgeting as I begin to suspect I may have been mistaken about Lily- or at the very least, misled by Harry. “Like… when you used to be a boy?”

“When I used to be a WHAT?” Lily asks, an angry scowl instantly spreading across her face. “I- I’m sorry, what did you just say?”

“Umm… are- aren’t you-“ I stammer, my entire body tensing up as her rage only grows.

“You- you think I’m trans?” Lily asks. “Is- is that why you wanted to work with me? You- you absolute sicko! What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I- I’m-“ I babble, my mind racing as Lily continues her angry diatribe.

“For the record, no, I’m not trans,” Lily shouts. “And no, I definitely will NOT prove it to you! So I suggest you take your wank fetish or whatever the hell you have going on and point it somewhere else!” I’m left stunned into silence as Lily angrily ends the call, before laying back down on my bed and moaning with pain.

I was so certain- after all, Harry pointed at Lily and said ‘there’s a reason the school is known as the trans school’. What else could he have meant? Did I touch a nerve by suggesting that Lily could be trans? Has she had a bad experience with a trans person in the past? All these questions and many, many more flood my mind as I try to think of what I could have said differently, what I SHOULD have said differently, and most importantly of all, what I can say tomorrow to try to make the situation better- or at the very least, prevent Lily from blabbing all over the school that I was asking about what it’s like to be trans…

Unsurprisingly, I don’t get much sleep that might, and when my alarm wakes me the following morning, my head is throbbing from the worry of what Lily will say- not to mention the worry of losing a potential friend. Or worse yet, a potential pathway to becoming 'Lisa'.

Right now, the last thing I want to do is head into school and be faced with an angry Lily, and worse still, a mocking Harry. The way I feel right now, I’m barely up to leaving the house, let alone going into school, but every time I’ve tried to pull a sickie in the past, I’ve been sent into school by mum and dad, no matter how poorly I actually felt. Sonia will no doubt feel the same way- the last thing she wants is to have to take care of me while trying to work from home as well. Then again, there IS a reason why she’s working from home- a reason that didn’t exist all the previous times I tried to pull a sickie…

“Morning, Liam,” Sonia says, frowning as I stumble out of my bedroom wrapped in my dressing gown and coughing loudly. “Ah- no. If you’re feeling unwell, don’t come near me.”

“Yeah- sorry,” I feebly croak.

“Well- I suppose it’s not your fault,” Sonia shrugs as I immediately start to feel relieved that I Won't have to deal with the fallout from last night's call- at least not today, anyway. “Going back into school with all the other kids I suppose it was inevitable. I’ll find you a lateral flow test, once that comes back positive, I’ll ring the school for you.” Crap! I think to myself. I forgot she had tests…

“Umm, okay,” I mumble, trying not to sigh. Still, with how high infection rates are at the moment, there’s always the chance that I HAVE caught covid and I’m just not showing symptoms yet. Well, not real symptoms, anyway.

Inevitably, though, my test comes back negative, and despite my protests I’m ushered back into my bedroom to change into my uniform for the day ahead. Not long afterward, I’m out the door and making the short journey to school, my anxiety levels rising with every step I take, which is only made worse as memories of my childhood come flooding back to me yet again.

“What now?” I feebly moaned as I heard the bell ring from the front room. It was the summer holiday, meaning that while mum and dad were at work, Sonia and Melanie were looking after me. Except that this was Sonia and Melanie, so 'looking after' didn't mean the same as it did for most other families, and as Melanie was poorly, I was doing most of the ‘looking after’.

“Nurse Lisa, your patient needs you!” Sonia called from the living room, before laughing uproariously as I entered the room. Though it’s more my ‘nurse’s uniform’ that they’re laughing at. They tried to reassure me by saying ‘it’s not a dress, it’s just a long t-shirt’, but that doesn’t explain why I’m had to wear a pair of her tights underneath it instead of trousers…

“Get your patient a glass of orange juice, nurse,” Sonia ordered from her chair as Melanie laid on the sofa with a blanket over her. Knowing better than to argue, I simply headed into the kitchen and prepared the requested drink, hoping that the torment would end soon- but at the same time, hoping that I could cling on to the feeling of being a girl, of being ‘Lisa’ for as long as possible.

However, just as I was putting the bottle of orange juice back in the fridge, I heard a sound that let me know that, for better or worse, I would soon go back to being ‘Liam’. Because of the way our old house in Luton was laid out, the main living room was on the opposite side of the house to the driveway, while the kitchen was right next to it. This meant that when dad’s car made an unexpected early return, I could hear it clearly while my sisters couldn’t over the noise of the television. And when dad came through the back door, looked at me in my ‘uniform’ and sighed, I braced myself for the usual telling off- however, as always, it wasn’t me who was on the receiving end of it.

As always, dad ordered me to change back into my- well, ‘Liam’s’- clothes. As always, dad read my sisters the riot act. And as always, I knew that it wouldn’t make any difference, that I would again be ‘Lisa’ within a few days anyway. And as much as it- at the time- made me feel ashamed, a part of me was sincerely looking forward to it…

As my mind returned to the present, I found myself feeling more and more nervous with every step I took. Back when I lived in Luton, obviously nobody at my school knew about ‘Lisa time’- my sisters were cruel but knew that THAT would’ve been a line too far, even by their standards. However, I’m still the new kid in this school, and Lily isn’t family, and after last night, isn’t even a friend, so she’d have no issues with ruining my life to prove a point to me…

As I set foot in the school building, I try to make my way to my form room as quickly as possible, hoping to avoid Harry and especially Lily, however as I turn the corner into the main entrance hall, I run into the girl who yelled at me last night. However, the angry look she sported at the end of our call has been replaced by a sullen, almost ashamed look. I brace myself for yet another argument as she approaches me, though I'm completely caught off guard when she doesn't shout, but speaks in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

“H- hey, Liam,” Lily says. “Can- can we talk, please? Somewhere, like, quiet, before form?”

“Umm, sure,” I say, my tension levels remaining high as we walk to a more secluded part of the entrance hall. However, once again, I’m surprised by Lily's demeanour.

“I- I want to apologise for shouting at you last night,” Lily mumbles. “I shouldn’t have- well, shouldn’t have been offended at you thinking I was trans, ‘cause as my sister REALLY reminded me last night, it’s not something to be ashamed of, so -yeah. I should’ve just said ‘sorry, you’ve got the wrong idea’ and just, like, left it at that.”

“Umm, okay, apology accepted,” I say, inwardly breathing a sigh of relief- this is probably the best-case scenario that I could have hoped for. “And- and for what it’s worth, I- it was, like, Harry who, like, confused me about the whole trans thing, you know?”

“What, the dickhead from your form?” Lily snorts. “Yeah, sounds about right. What did he say, exactly?”

“Oh, umm, he just, like, pointed at you and said ‘there’s a reason the school’s known as the trans school’,” I reply. “So- yeah.”

“Well- okay, I guess I can see how that’d make you, you know, confused,” Lily mumbles. “So- so why’d you want to work with me, then?” Crap! I think to myself as I desperately try to think of an excuse.

“Well- umm,” I say, my mind scrabbling for an answer. “I just, you know- umm, wanted- wanted to, like, be supportive, that’s all. I’ve, you know, never met- well…”

“I- I think I get it,” Lily says, smiling sympathetically, before frowning as she checks her watch. “Ugh, we’d better get going, don’t want to be late for form, heh. But I’m happy to keep chatting at break, if that’s what you want. There’s plenty of space at our table- heh, even with the ‘extra space’ that we’re meant to be keeping between us, like. Unless you’d rather hang out with Harry and the other dickheads?”

“…Break sounds great!” I chuckle, smiling as Lily lets out a cute giggle before heading away, leaving me relieved, but confused. I wasn’t imagining it when Harry said ‘this school is known as the trans school’, nor was I imagining him gesturing to Lily when he said that. Why he said it, though, is more of a mystery than ever, though one thing’s for certain- I don't dare ask Harry, as while Lily may have been understanding of my faux pas, he definitely wouldn't be.

Nonetheless, I sit next to Harry during form as usual, and with other boys from my form for the first two lessons of the day. Eventually, though, the bell rings to signal the start of our first break time, and rather than head to the field where I know Harry and the other boys will be kicking a ball around, I instead head toward the table where I first met Daisy, Lily and the others a month ago.

“Hi Liam!” Daisy loudly exclaims, making me smile as a space is cleared for me between her and a shorter girl with glasses from my form- a space I happily take. I am surprised I'm not the only boy at the table, though.

“Hi Liam, welcome to the fun table,” Lily says, clearly grinning behind her mask. “I’ll handle the introductions, hehe! You already know Daisy, on the other side of you is Bailey, who was at primary school with Daisy.”

“And I think you’re in my form too, aren’t you?” I ask the bespectacled girl, who blushes and lowers her head.

“Y- y- y- yeah,” Bailey replies in a voice barely louder than a whisper, and I bite my lip as disapproving looks come across the faces of the others at the table.

“Bailey, she- she kinda has a stammer,” Lily says softly as my classmate’s cheeks flush further and tears form in her eyes, while I already start to feel myself shrinking in my seat.

“I- i- i- i- i- it’s okay,” Bailey mumbles. “I- I- I- I- I just d- d- d- don’t, like, n- n- n- not comfort-t-table talking to new p- p- p- people.”

“Well you- don’t feel that you’re, like, obliged to talk to me,” I say, hoping to ease the poor girl’s anxiety. “I mean, if you don’t want to, like.” Unsurprisingly, Bailey doesn’t say anything, but the look in her eyes lets me know I’m off the hook for now.

“Anyway,” Lily says, regaining my attention, “next to Bailey is Ariadna.”

“But I don’t mind being called ‘Ari’ for short,” the raven-haired girl says in a mild eastern-European accent.

“Next to Ari is Farah,” Lily continues as the girl next to Ari, a pretty Pakistani girl wearing a hijab, smiles and playfully waves at me. “Next to Farah is Jason, who’s the best friend of Danny, who’s the boyfriend of Molly, who’s the best friend of me, hehe! normally there'd also be three year 10 girls at our table, Bryony, Sabrina and Jo, but we're not allowed to hang out anymore for obvious reasons, heh.”

“Nice to meet you all,” I say with a shy wave. “I won’t shake hands for those same reasons, heh.”

“You’re forgiven,” Lily says with an obvious grin, which widens as she gets a twinkle in her eye. “As you are for last night too, hehe!” This time, it’s my turn to blush as some of the girls at the table all share Lily’s smug grin, while some of the other girls- including Bailey- frown with confusion.

“W- w- w- what happened l- l- last n- n- night?” Bailey asks.

“Heh… in fairness, Liam did have to forgive ME as well,” Lily replies, only deepening the bespectacled girl’s frown. “Ah… long story short, Liam got me confused with my sister.” Umm… no I didn’t, I think to myself. Lily and her sister don’t look ANYTHING alike at all…

“In- in what way did I do that?” I ask.

“Oh, didn’t- didn’t you pick up on what I said when I apologised to you earlier today?” Lily asks, smiling and nodding her head knowingly as I shake mine. “Ah- okay, well, it’s fair enough as you’ve only been here a few weeks and you haven’t actually MET her, heh. You see, the reason- well, part of the reason this school is known as ‘the trans school’ is because of my sister- she was the first trans student in this school.” My jaw drops as I think back to the video chat last night, where I saw and heard Lily’s sister- and there is no way I would ever have assumed that someone like her could ever have been- well, someone like me.

“…Really?” I ask. “SHE is trans? But she- she’s hot!” Immediately as the words leave my mouth, I feel my cheeks redden as the girls all ‘ooh’ at me.

“Liam likes Laura!” Daisy cheers, laughing loudly as I glare at her.

“Honestly? I don’t blame you,” Jason says with a reassuring smile. “If I didn’t know better, I’d probably fancy her too.”

“And even if you DO know better, she still is attractive,” Lily chastises the boy. “Because being trans doesn’t make her any less of a girl than any of the rest of us at this table, and is nothing to be ashamed of, as she kinda drilled into my head over and over again last night, heh. Not that I thought there ever WAS anything wrong with it, but- yeah. And for the love of god, do NOT tell Laura that I think she’s attractive, the last thing her ego needs is another boost, heh.”

“My lips are sealed,” Molly teases her best friend.

“I think my lips had better be permanently sealed before I talk my way into embarrassing myself any more,” I snort, earning a sympathetic sigh from my new friends.

“Nah, you’re just a BOY, that’s all,” Lily teases me, and I force a smile on my face even as I realise that despite Lily accepting me as a friend- and despite her earlier reassurances- I’m still no closer to being ‘Lisa’ than I was at the start of the school year. And even though I know she means well, what Lily says next really doesn't make me feel any better about my situation.

“And besides, Laura’s taught me an important lesson in the time I’ve known her,” Lily says, before grimacing as she sees the confusion on my face. “Oh- ‘cause she’s not, like, my biological sister, but my stepsister, but I consider he to just, like, be my sister, not ‘step’ or anything.”

“Okay,” I say. “So… what did she teach you?”

“That being girly and feminine is AWESOME,” Lily gushes, grinning widely even as I have to bite my lip to keep myself from crying. “Like, before I met Laura, it was just my dad who was bringing me up, and I didn’t think much about, like, the whole ‘being a girl’ thing, maybe because I was, like, nine, I dunno. But meeting Laura, I got thinking, like, ‘what if I couldn’t have all of this?’, and- yeah. The more I think about, the more I genuinely love being a girl.”

“Totally,” Molly concurs as all of the other girls at the table nod- all apart from me, anyway. “Hair, make-up, clothes, dancing- ah, we- we’re probably boring you, aren’t we?”

“You’re at a girls’ table,” Daisy says in an almost cautionary tone of voice. “If you don’t like talking about girly stuff, you’re gonna get REALLY bored REALLY quickly.”

“And neither or these two are big football fans either, I’m afraid,” Molly says, gesturing to her boyfriend and his friend.

“It’s okay, neither am I,” I say to the approval of the group.

“Though I imagine you’re not much of a ballet fan either?” Molly asks, smiling sympathetically as I force myself to shake my head.

“It’s okay, neither am I, really,” Farah says, though she seems to feel almost as sad about it as I do. “My parents say it’s haram, and in fairness, squeezing myself into skin-tight lycra and contorting myself into weird shapes isn’t really my idea of fun either, heh.”

“Or mine, for obvious reasons,” Daisy says, gesturing to the crutches she uses to help her walk.

“O- o- o- or mine,” Bailey mumbles. “D- d- d- dyspraxia.” I smile sympathetically behind my mask, but even this is enough to make the shy girl blush once again.

“Though as we’ve told them a hundred times,” Ari says, “that doesn’t stop them from being as girly as all of us. I mean, if my family still lived in Poland, I probably wouldn’t be a ballerina like Lily and Molly. Though yes, I WAS born in England, so it isn’t a great comparison.”

“Not to mention the fact that your parents literally won the lottery,” Molly reminds the raven-haired girl, who giggles and blushes.

“…Only half a million,” Ari mumbles.

“ONLY half a million,” Lily teases, before giggling and turning her attention back to me. “But anyway, Liam, you’ve got to know a lot about us, we want to know more about you! I think you said you moved here over the summer from Luton? Did your parents get a new job or something, something they couldn’t do from home?” Needless to say, this causes me to bite my lip as tears almost instantly form in my eyes- especially as the group all turn to me, expecting an answer.

“Ah- no, no,” I mumble, my cheeks flushing as I realise that this answer isn’t enough for my new friends. “My parents, they- they died over the summer holiday. In a car crash.” I bite my lip harder as I suddenly see all of the colour drain from Lily’s face and tears quickly form in her own eyes, as Daisy gives my shoulder a firm, but supportive squeeze.

“Oh- oh my god,” Lily whispers. “I- I am so, SO sorry Liam, if I’d known, I- ugh. I feel like a TOTAL jerk now…”

“No, there’s no way you could’ve known,” I mumble. “I mean, it’s not like I advertise it, and you- you’re the first people I’ve told at school, so- yeah.”

“Yeah, but still, though,” Lily sighs. “I feel REALLY bad about going off at you last night.”

“Don’t- honestly,” I say. “Let- let’s just put this behind us, okay?”

“Well, whenever you need a friend to talk to, you know where to come,” Lily says gently.

“Totally,” Molly concurs. “Are you on Facebook? I’ll add you when I get home, if you want you can join our evening group chats too.”

“Sure, sounds great!” I chuckle. “And thanks, it- it’s nice to, like, make some proper friends.”

“You can never have too many friends,” Daisy says in an uncharacteristically subdued voice as the others at the table all knowingly nod. And I’ve certainly made more friends in the last ten minutes than I did in the last ten years, whether here in London or at home in Luton. Better friends, too- they barely know me, but their first instinct on learning of my parents was to comfort me, to show me support and friendship. God knows Harry probably wouldn’t have reacted that way- though I’m not looking forward to how he’ll react to finding out that I’ve joined Lily & co.’s table.

And, of course, I don’t have long to wait to find out his reaction, as the boy is waiting for me when I leave my next lesson before lunch.

“Were you hanging out on the freaks’ table at break?” Harry asks before I even have the chance to walk ten feet down the corridor. Charming, I think to myself, but I know there's no point in getting angry- especially as Harry is larger than me.

“…Lily wanted to talk to me,” I half-heartedly reply.

“What did she want to do, show you her dick?” Harry says with a mean snort of laughter.

“Umm… she isn’t trans, though?” I retort.

“Her sister is, that’s close enough,” Harry scoffs. “So, you playing football or what?” I briefly pause to consider my decision, but when my options are ‘playing a sport I hate with morons I also hate’ or ‘hanging out with new and genuine friends who seem to genuinely like me’, it’s no decision at all.

“Nope,” I reply, trying not to roll my eyes as my now-former friend sneers.

“Loser,” Harry snorts. “Don’t blame me when everyone in school thinks you’re a freak too.”

“Whatever,” I retort, letting out a sigh as I turn my back and walk away. Harry might be right that I’ve just made life at school a lot harder for myself- the secret to school, which I’ve long since learned, is to not draw attention to yourself in any way and you’ll be fine. And the one thing that everyone at the table is good at- even Bailey, despite (or maybe even because of) her shyness- is drawing attention to themselves. As bad as it sounds, I can almost see why Harry and the other morons would consider them to be ‘freaks’, but after just ten minutes of hanging out with them, I can tell that all of them are genuinely nice people, despite- or maybe because of- their differences. And god knows, they’re all a lot more likely to accept ‘Lisa’ than Harry ever was- not that I dare tell any of them about 'her' just yet…

Needless to say, everyone at the table greets me like an old friend when I arrive at the start of the lunch period, and I’m quickly directed to what I suppose is now my regular seat between Daisy and Bailey, the former of whom greets me with a loud ‘hi’ while the latter meekly waves and smiles. Within seconds, I’m drawn into a conversation about the girls' latest PE lesson, and even though I have nothing to actually contribute, for the first time since I started at this school, I’m actually sad when the bell rings to signal the end of lunch and the start of our final lesson of the day.

However, I’m also- again for the first time- happy when the bell rings to signal the end of the school day and eager to head back home- something my sister immediately picks up on.

“Hi Liam,” Sonia says as she briefly looks up from her work. “Good day at school?”

“Better than most have been,” I reply with a genuine smile.

“Well- glad to hear it,” Sonia says with a warm chuckle. “I’m going to be working until 6pm so is a Deliveroo okay for dinner?”

“Sure,” I reply as I drop my bag, kick off my shoes and take my phone out of my pocket, grinning as I log into Facebook to find several friend requests waiting for me from my new friends?

“No homework today, then?” Sonia asks in a semi-teasing voice.

“It’ll take half an hour, tops,” I reply, keeping my attention on my phone. “I’m just adding a few of the-“ ‘guys’ is probably the wrong word here, I think to myself. “-People from school on Facebook.”

“Ahh, great!” Sonia beams as I feel my cheeks redden again. “It’s good you’re making new friends. Are they all boys, or are any of them girrrrls?” Naturally, I know what Sonia’s implying by her emphasising her final word, but despite myself, I still answer honestly anyway.

“Most of them are girls, actually,” I reply.

“Oh really?” Sonia asks, a wide grin spreading across her face, which gets quickly replaced by a contemplative smirk. “Well, if you’re going to do any video chats, let me know and I’ll know not to disturb you.”

“Thanks,” I say, musing how Lily’s sister didn’t offer her the same courtesy- then again, Lily’s sister isn’t also her surrogate parent. As I look through my new friends’ Facebook walls, I’m reminded of Sonia’s promise when I first moved in- that she would take her new responsibilities seriously, and that she absolutely wouldn’t force me to become ‘Lisa’ in the way she and Melanie did when they- we- were younger. For the first time ever, though, I’m beginning to wonder whether not forcing me to become 'Lisa' means I'm also not forbidden from becoming 'Lisa'- after all, Lily's sister was obviously not forbidden by her parents from becoming 'Laura'...

Later that evening, I have a wide smile on my face as I sit down on my bed with my laptop and sign into Zoom, as within seconds I’m drawn into a group chat with all of the new friends I made today and a few more faces I don’t recognise.

“Hi Liam, welcome to the madhouse!” Lily teases as everyone greets my arrival with wide, genuine smiles. “Girls, this is Liam, who I told you about, Liam, say hi to Sabrina, Bryony and Jo- they’re the girls I told you about in year 10 and can’t hang out with us at lunchtime cause of distancing blah blah blah etc.”

“H- hi,” I say, nervously waving at the three young women, all of whom smile and wave back. Thankfully, everyone on screen has their name displayed so I don't lose track of who everyone is- I've never even dreamed of having this many friends before.

“Nice to meet you, Liam!” Sabrina says with an excited giggle. “How’s you end up on the coolest table in the school?”

“Heh,” I laugh meekly at Sabrina’s teasing- though I'm forced to wonder if she is aware of how Harry and his morons view the table, and whether or not she's being ironic in her choice of words. “I, umm, we- me and Lily were working together on a project for IT, and- yeah, that’s about it, really.”

“He may have skipped a couple of steps,” Lily teases as I desperately try to stop blushing. “Liam came up to me in IT and asked if I wanted to work with him, I said yes and he- he kinda ‘mistook me for my sister’, if you get what I mean.” I bite my lip as Lily’s cheeks start to redden, but then, much to my surprise, one of the older girls interjects.

“What, he- he thought you were trans?” Bryony asks, looking contemplative- just as Sonia did- as Lily nods. “And now he’s sitting at the table? Huh…”

“Bry?” Sabrina asks. “You okay?”

“Hmm?” Bryony replies. “Umm, yeah, just- just remembering something, that’s all. It’s nothing, heh. So, umm, Liam, you- you support trans issues, right?”

“He wouldn’t be in this call if he didn’t,” Lily says, before the topic of conversation moves on and I find myself sitting back and listening, just as I did at lunch.

The fact that supporting trans issues seems to be a requirement for entry into this group fills me with confidence and optimism, and I start to believe that if any of the girls were to learn about ‘Lisa’, I would be accepted. At the very least, whether as 'Lisa' or 'Liam', I’ll have a great group of friends going forward- especially Bailey, who offers (via text, dur to her stammer) to sit next to me in form tomorrow, since Harry probably isn’t going to want to anymore.

As much as I enjoy talking with the group, though, the fact remains that as the conversation goes on, I find myself feeling increasingly sidelined. While ‘Lisa’ might have things in common with the girls, ‘Liam’ certainly doesn’t, especially when they talk about things like dancing, fashion and celebrities- all things that I know ‘Lisa’ would love. Or rather, I think ‘Lisa’ would love these things. I HOPE she would, anyway. Because these girls on my screen are my best chance of ever being ‘Lisa’ again- even if it’s just on a temporary, or even one-off basis…

“Another one?” Sonia asks as my phone pings to inform me of a new message. “Really?”

“Nothing else for us to do,” I reply with a shrug. “Not while we’re in tier 4, anyway.”

“I take it you’re going to join their call, then?” Sonia asks, sighing as I nod and head to my bedroom. “I mean, I WAS hoping to spend some of the Christmas holidays with you, I did take annual leave from work after all… though I guess it’s not like there’s anything for US to do right now, either.” I pause and bite my lip as I wait for the same kind of emotional blackmail I got whenever I 'neglected' my sisters when I was younger- though much to my surprise, Sonia simply smiles instead. “…And it is good that at least you’re making friends at school here. Go on, I’ve got stuff I can be doing while you’re having fun.”

“T- thanks,” I say, smiling as I head into my bedroom, though not before I hear what my sister says under her breath as I go.

“Even if your friends are all girls…” Sonia mutters, making me frown as I shut my bedroom door. What exactly does she mean by that? Is she upset that I’m mostly hanging out with girls? Is she worried that I’m, I dunno, exploiting them maybe? Does she know the truth about ‘Lisa’ somehow?

I try to put such paranoid thoughts out of my mind as I boot up my laptop and am immediately drawn into a group chat with my friends- who, as my sister predicted, are all female- not that this bothers me, of course.

“Hi Liam!” Daisy loudly cheers as she pops onto my screen, accompanied by Bailey, Farah and Ariadna.

“Hi girls!” I say, grinning widely as for one brief second, I allow myself to believe that I truly am one of the girls- what few are online tonight, anyway. “Is it just us tonight, then?”

“Yep,” Farah replies. “Lily, Molly and the others are all at their dance class right now.”

“Virtual dance class,” Ari clarifies in her gentle Polish accent.

“I was about to ask,” I chuckle. “So, over Zoom then?”

“Yep,” Daisy replies. “I did ask if we could cheer our friends on, but they said we couldn’t, so never mind.”

“Even if my dad does still pay for ballet lessons for me,” Ari chuckles sadly.

“I- I was about to ask,” I say. “I thought you were in the others’ dance class?”

“I didn’t know you paid THAT much attention,” Ari teases, making me blush as the others have a good-natured giggle at my expense. “And I am in A dance class, just not THAT dance class. The others can all dance en pointe, and I can’t- well, can’t YET, anyway.”

“Pointe is where you dance on the ends of your toes,” Daisy says. “It’d be nice if I could even dance on the soles of my feet…”

“You- you’ve never, you know, asked if you could, like?” I hesitantly ask.

‘It’d be a bit of a waste of money for me, with my dyspraxia,’ Bailey types as she smiles sadly at the camera.

“Same here, but change dyspraxia for CP,” Daisy says.

“And if ballet itself wasn’t haram, the uniform CERTAINLY would be,” Farah says, sitting back from her camera and gesturing to her loose dress and hijab.

“So, whenever they talk about it at the table,” Daisy says, “we just sort-of nod and pretend to listen. Kinda like you’re doing now, I guess!”

“Oh- no, I’m not just PRETENDING to listen,” I say, my voice trailing off as my friends let out another quiet giggle.

“Sure you’re not,” Farah giggles. “Just like I’m not pretending to listen whenever my brothers talk about their cars, hehe!”

‘Cars like the poster on Liam’s wall?” Bailey types, blushing and biting her lip as I roll my eyes and reposition my laptop so there's a blank wall behind me instead.

“To be fair, though,” Farah muses, “Liam DOES have two older sisters, so it must be as boring for him as it is for me at times.”

“Did either of your sisters take dance classes when they were kids?” Daisy asks.

“Umm- no, I don’t think so,” I reply truthfully. “If they did, it was before I was born, so- yeah.” So I thankfully don’t have any memories of being forced into a leotard and a pair of pink tights, I think to myself. Which also means that I don’t have any memories of wearing a leotard and a pair of pink tights, either- at least, not in the same context that my friends wear that outfit.

“Meh, fair enough,” Farah says with a shrug.

“And I suppose Liam doesn’t have any problems talking to girls,” Daisy teases. “He wouldn’t be on this call if he did!”

“It definitely beats talking about football with a bunch of morons,” I say, earning laughs and even cheers from my friends.

“Having my toenails pulled out would beat that!” Daisy laughs. “Especially as IT’S CHRISTMAS! Well, in two days, anyway, hehe!” I giggle along with my friends at Daisy’s enthusiasm, before frowning with confusion as she suddenly starts to cringe. “Ugh… sorry Farah…”

“Don’t worry about it, honestly,” Farah chuckles. “Sure, me and my family don’t actually celebrate Christmas, but we’re not going to say that no one else should, either. It’s just, like, an extra bank holiday for us. And my dad has exchanged cards and gifts with his colleagues at work, non-Muslim colleagues, that is.”

“Cool,” I say with a smile.

“No cards this year, though, bloody covid,” Daisy moans. “We were thinking of doing a Secret Santa as well, but can’t do that either this year.”

‘And I’m not going to get to see my grandparents on Christmas Day either, for the first time ever,’ Bailey types with a sad smile.

“And I’m not going to see my parents on Christmas Day for the first time ever,” I suddenly find myself saying, grimacing as my friends all starting frowning- and Bailey almost looks like she’s about to start crying.

“Oh, Liam…” Farah sighs sadly.

“I- I- I-“ Bailey stammers, sounding almost like she’s having a panic attack. “I- I- I-‘m s- s- s- so s- s- sor-“

“Don’t- honestly, don’t worry about it,” I say, even though deep down, I’m trying desperately not to cry as well. “It’s not YOUR fault, like. And I’m, you know, sorry if I brought the mood down…” I try to smile let Bailey know she’s forgiven, but it’s clear she hasn't forgiven herself- and probably won't do anytime soon.

“I really wish that we could, you know, do something nice for you,” Farah sighs sadly. “You know, to- well, not ‘cheer you up’, I guess, but, like- umm…”

“Honestly,” I say. “I’ll be okay. I just- I just sometimes forget, that’s all.” And the thing I REALLY want you to do for me is something none of you can provide, I think to myself. Or possibly even WANT to provide. Even if one of the group (albeit one not present right now) DOES have a trans relative…

‘Thanks,’ Bailey types as she smiles at her camera- and it takes me a while to realise that her message came in a private message to me rather than the group chat.

‘You’re welcome,’ I reply along with a ‘smiling’ emoji that makes the bespectacled girl blush onscreen.

“Maybe we should just stop talking about Christmas, then?” Daisy suggests, letting out a shy giggle at her earlier faux pas.

“Honestly, I don’t mind,” I say. "Kinda tricky to not talk about Christmas when it's less than 48 hours away, heh."

"That's definitely true," Ari chuckles. "Ah- but it looks like we're about to talk about- well, 'listen about', I guess- dancing for the next half hour, heh." I smirk as the images of the faces on my screen shuffle around to accommodate the new arrivals, who arrival- as always- brings a wider, genuine smile to my face.

“Hey everyone!” Lily says with a giggle as she appears onscreen, accompanied by Molly and our three older friends Bryony, Sabrina and Jo. “Normally I WOULD say ‘hey girlies’, but it kinda wouldn’t be appropriate with Liam on the call, hehe!”

“T- thanks,” I say, even as I try to hide my sadness- Lily has no way of knowing what she just said, after all.

“I’ll just see if I can get Danny on the call before Liam starts drowning in oestrogen!” Molly teases, earning giggles from the other girls as she momentarily moves off-camera.

“Was it a good class?” Ari asks.

“It was okay,” Lily replies with a shrug. “Tough to do any ‘actual’ dancing when you’re stuck in your bedroom, though, so we’re just doing basic shapes and stretches.”

“Trust me, it’s even worse when you share your bedroom with your older sister,” Bryony grumbles. “She at least let me have some privacy during class. My two younger sisters, though…”

“Let me guess- Cassie being Cassie?” Ari asks as I try to follow the conversation. “If the dance school reopening only to immediately close again was tough on us, god knows what it’d be like for her!”

“Is- is Cassie your sister?” I ask the blonde-haired girl, who nods and smiles sympathetically.

“Yeah, sorry Liam, I keep forgetting that you’re still, like, getting to know us all,” Bryony says. “If you imagine a ten-year-old girl who’s obsessed with ballet and is on a permanent sugar high, that’s my little- well, younger, at least- sister Cassie. Which is only made worse by it being Christmas in two days, heh.” You clearly didn’t get the memo about not mentioning Christmas in this chat, then, I think to myself as I notice Daisy, Bailey, Farah and Ari's attention start to wander.

“Still, it could be worse,” Sabrina giggles. “At least your sister isn’t teaching the class!” As the girls- the newly-arrived girls, anyway- continue talking about their class, I stealthily mute my microphone and reopen the private chat window with Bailey.

‘You look bored,’ I type, trying to hide my smirk from the camera as the bespectacled girl blushes onscreen and starts typing.

‘A bit,’ Bailey replies. ‘Normally the other girls chat among themselves after a dance class, I think because tonight wasn’t part of the regular schedule things are different.’

‘OK,’ I type.

‘Most days I’m just glad they even let me listen,’ Bailey types. ‘I know I wouldn’t even have any friends if they didn’t let me hang out with them.’

‘Don’t say that!’ I chastise my friend, who blushes onscreen and looks almost like she’s about to cry again.

‘Sorry,’ Bailey types with a ‘crying’ emoji that almost makes me cry too. ‘But who’d want to be friends with an awkward, ugly stammering nerd?’

‘Me,’ I type, before grimacing as I realise what I agreed to. ‘I don’t think you’re awkward or ugly, I mean. I think you’re pretty cool.’ And god knows I’m glad that you want to be friends with the newly orphaned new kid in school who spent most of his life being bullied by his sisters and has a 'dark secret', I think to myself.

‘Nah, I know I’m THE least cool girl in the school,’ Bailey says, before texting me a photograph of her bedside table and all the science fiction comics and poetry books on it. ‘But it’s okay. Lily, Molly and the others are all nice and don’t mind my stammering and my awkwardness.’ I reply to Bailey’s text with a ‘smiling’ emoji, though it’s obvious that despite her bravado, she’s very obviously NOT okay.

“…well, that’s what she SAID, anyway,” Lily says onscreen as I return my attention to the conversation. “It probably won’t even be open for my birthday next month, like.” Naturally, this mention of Lily having a January birthday piques my interest.

“I- I’m sorry, your birthday’s next month?” I ask.

“Yes, why?” Lily replies.

“Oh, it- it’s just that my birthday’s in January too,” I say, hoping I haven't put my foot in it, and silently breathing a sigh of relief as Lily grins.

“Ah, cool!” Lily giggles. “Pity that covid means we probably won’t be able to have a joint party. Or ANY party, heh. What date in January?”

“Nineteenth,” I reply.

“Cool, mine’s on the seventh,” Lily says. “And yes, I’ll be having a Zoom party, and yes, you’re all invited, hehe! And I hope everyone is wearing the best dresses and make-up- especially you, Liam!” I roll my eyes and try not to blush at my friend’s teasing as the other girls giggle at me, though I can’t help but feel a little bit sick inside- the mere sound of a group of girls giggling, especially when I know it’s at me- is enough to make me feel four years old again, even though I know in this case that they’re all laughing WITH me rather than AT me. Though that doesn’t stop me from remembering all those years I spent dressed up as a cat on another teenaged girl's birthday- and definitely doesn’t stop me from wanting to pull on a fancy dress and apply make-up for Lily’s party. And mine, too…

“She’s just teasing, Liam, ignore her,” Molly says with a smug grin as her best friend pouts, before giggling again. “As long as you don’t mind us also wearing our fanciest dresses and make-up to your party as well, hehe!”

“I- I don’t even know what I’m doing for my party yet,” I mumble. “Don’t even know if I’m having one…” I bite my lip as a sombre mood falls over the call- it’s no doubt dawned on them, just as it has on me, that next month will also be my first birthday without my parents.

“Well, we- we’ll let you decide nearer the time,” Daisy says. “We’ll all be in school that day anyway so we can decide what we’re doing then.”

“Though as it’s also a Tuesday, some of us might have other ‘obligations’ that evening!” Lily giggles as she sits back and stretches one leg (and the pink tights encasing it) high above her head, earning giggles from those of the girls who are wearing similar outfits to her.

“Ah, yep- sorry Liam,” Molly says with an excited giggle. “Though if we do have a party, we’ll be right there straight afterwards, we promise. And hopefully, at the party, Lily won’t let you look right up her skirt.” I allow myself a smirk as the brown-haired girl rolls her eyes before replying.

“I’m still wearing my leotard,” Lily retorts. “I’ve just had the crotch of that on public display for, like, the last hour, so what if it’s now covered by a skirt? It’s not like you can see my knickers, and besides, I know that Liam’s not a creep.”

“Thanks,” I chuckle, trying not to blush as I remember exactly how I came to befriend Lily- and how close she came to having a very different opinion of me. How close I came to having a different opinion of me, too...

“Annnnnd now we know who Lily’s boyfriend is going to be next year…” Molly teases, causing both mine and Lily’s cheeks to redden.

“Oh- shut up,” Lily chastises her best friend. “And where’s your boyfriend, anyway?”

“Busy talking to his family,” Molly replies. “Sorry Liam, looks like you’ll be the only guy talking to us girls tonight, hehe!”

“I- I don’t mind,” I say. “Better than talking to a load of gu- of, umm, other guys, anyway.”

“Ugh, you do NOT need to convince me of that!” Lily chuckles. “Especially morons like that Harry guy you hung out with at the start of the year. He’s probably someone who thinks it’s ‘gay’ for a guy to only hang out with girls.”

“Even if none of us are actually Liam’s girlfriend,” Daisy says.

“Well, ‘yet’, in Lily’s case,” Molly teases, smirking as her best friend rolls her eyes again. However, my eyes are immediately drawn back to the corner of the screen and the sad, faraway look on Bailey's face.

‘You okay?’ I type to my bespectacled friend privately.

‘I’m okay,’ Bailey replies with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘It’s the same when they’re talking about boys as when they’re talking about ballet. Or any topic beginning with B.’

‘Even the topic of ‘Bailey’?’ I ask with a ‘winking’ emoji that earns a goofy grin and reddens the cheeks of my bespectacled friend.

‘Trust me, they never talk about THAT,’ Bailey replies, her grin quickly changing to a sad smile. ‘But that’s okay, I don’t really like talking about myself, I like privacy, if that makes sense.’

‘No flashing the crotch of your leotard at everyone?’ I tease, deepening the shade of my friend’s cheeks.

‘I don’t even OWN a leotard, unless you count my school swimsuit,’ Bailey says, before my attention is abruptly drawn back to the screen.

“Hello?” Lily calls as she waves at the camera. “Earth to Liam?”

“Umm- sorry?” I ask as Bailey types an apology for distracting me from the chat.

“We were just wondering if any of the boys you hung out with ever talked about us,” Molly says. “Not that we’re THAT interested, but we figured we may as well, you know, ask while we’ve got you here.”

“Umm, not really,” I reply. “Well, umm, not like- not like, ‘positively’, you know- sorry…”

“Meh, it’s kinda the answer we were expecting,” Lily says with a shrug. “I guess they probably only talk about football? A bunch of guys getting sweaty chasing a ball around a field, heh. And they have the nerve to call boys who dance ‘gay’?”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay,” Daisy interjects.

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with being L, G, B, T or any other letter of the acronym,” Lily concedes with a smile. “More guys should feel comfortable about being 'just friends' with girls.”

“But only the cute ones,” Sabrina says with a smug grin.

“And do you include Liam in ‘cute guys’?” Ari asks, smirking as Sabrina rolls her eyes and I once again blush.

“…He’s a COOL guy,” Sabrina replies. “Because he likes hanging out with us!”

“Totally,” Bryony concurs. “Even if… actually- umm, never mind.”

“Bry?” Sabrina asks. “You okay?”

“Hmm?” The blonde girl replies. “Oh, umm, yeah, just- just remembering something. Not important.” That's not the first time you've done that when I've been the topic of conversation, I think to myself.

“And anyway,” Lily says with a grin, “I don’t think you’ve told us how Christmas prep is going in your house, Bry? Especially with five siblings?”

“…Cassie is exhausting enough for five siblings just by herself,” Bryony replies as I find my attention drifting once again. However, as before, I find I'm not alone in this.

‘Bryony tends to go on a bit when complaining about her brother and her sisters,’ Bailey types privately with a ‘winking’ emoji that makes me barely suppress a snort of laughter.

‘I don’t blame her, I thought two was bad enough,’ I reply, earning a ‘giggling’ emoji in reply from my friend. ‘Do you have any brothers or sisters?’

‘Just one,’ my friend replies. ‘Tia, she’s seven years older than me but we don’t speak much, she moved away for university in 2018 and I haven’t even seen her since the start of the first lockdown.’ I bite my lip as I ponder my next question- in addition to being sensitive, it's one I'll inevitably be asked in return- as much as I don't want to answer it myself.

‘Did she tease you much while you were growing up?’ I ask.

‘Not really,’ Bailey replies. ‘We never really interacted much growing up, we were interested in completely different things.’ Yeah, well, so were I and my sisters, I think to myself.

“Liam! Come here!” Melanie yelled as the six-year-old me sat in my room reading- or rather, trying to read- a comic.

“I’m busy,” I meekly mumbled, knowing that as always, it would make no difference to my sisters.

“No, come here now!” Melanie demanded, and as always, I obeyed, my head held low as I skulked toward my sister’s room, wondering what costume I’d be made to wear this time.

On that occasion, though, my sisters had no clothes laid out for me (or they were feeling sorry for me, which seems less likely). Instead, I was made to just stand there as Sonia and Melanie talked about the celebrities they fancied, while I grew more and more bored- not that they cared, of course, and every time I tried to sneak away, I was ordered to remain exactly where I was, not moving, not being allowed to do anything I might actually want to do. And then being expected to thank my sisters for being 'included'.

‘Fair enough,’ I type, typing but then deleting the phrase 'you don't know how lucky you are'. ‘You won’t see her for Christmas, then?’

‘Can’t because of lockdown,’ Bailey reminds me. ‘It’s okay, she’s got her friends and I’ve got mine!’ The ‘wide grin’ emoji that follows Bailey’s message brings a genuine smile to my face, even as we both feel excluded from the ongoing chat onscreen, which has inevitably returned to discussion of their dance class.

‘Too right,’ I type with a ‘grinning’ emoji of my own.

‘I do sometimes wish I could join in a bit more with the other girls, though,’ Bailey types. ‘Before lockdown they didn’t talk about dancing nearly as much, I think Bryony and Lily were even talking about dropping the class. Then they couldn’t go anymore, and suddenly they realised just how much they missed it, same with gymnastics club at school.’

‘That makes sense, I suppose,’ I type. ‘But were you really never interested in the class?’

‘LOL no,’ Bailey replies, smirking into her camera.

‘The other girls would support you, wouldn’t they?’ I ask.

‘Oh, for sure,’ Bailey replies. ‘But they’re in the advanced class and even Ari is in the intermediate class, so I’d be by myself in the beginner class, meaning I’d be dancing with a load of 9-year-olds who all already have better coordination than me.’ You know a lot about the structure of the school for someone not interested in it, I think to myself.

‘Fair enough,’ I type, before pausing to ponder how to word my next question. ‘Do the girls ever talk about what you like to do, though?’

‘Sometimes, maybe,’ Bailey replies. ‘I like reading and writing poetry, though, and I obviously can’t read it out loud, so that usually puts an end to that. I write poems for the girls’ birthdays though, and they usually like them.’

‘Cool,’ I type with a ‘smiling’ emoji that earns an ‘eye rolling’ one in return.

‘It’s about as UNcool as it gets,’ Bailey replies. ‘But it’s okay. And I can write one for your birthday, if that’s what you want.’

‘Sure, I’d love that,’ I type, smiling as Bailey’s cheeks turn bright red.

‘As your and Lily’s birthdays are so close, I can write a joint one as well if you’d like,’ Bailey types, making me frown with confusion.

‘Why would we want a joint one?’ I ask.

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ Bailey types with a ‘giggling’ emoji. ‘She hasn’t said anything as she doesn’t want to presume, but it’s obvious that Lily’s lining you up to be her boyfriend.’ This is news to me, I think as my gaze darts back and forth between Bailey and Lily on my screen. I know I should be excited at the prospect, and a part of me is- Lily is cute, fit and very, very feminine, and would make a great girlfriend no matter what morons like Harry might think about her. The most important question, though, is how she’d react to ‘Lisa’- both the version of ‘Lisa’ that I want to be, and the version that I was forced to be when growing up. Then again, she does unquestioningly accept her transgender sister…

‘If you say so,’ I type with a ‘shrugging’ emoji.

‘I’m pretty perceptive about these things,’ Bailey types with a ‘smug’ emoji. You haven’t perceived ‘Lisa’, I think to myself.

‘Again, if you say so,’ I type, earning an ‘eye rolling’ emoji from my friend in return.

‘I think I’m just used to watching other people,’ Bailey types. ‘Trying to understand them, I mean.’

‘I think I get it,’ I type. God knows I’m used to remaining silent whenever my sisters were dominating the conversation at home. And god knows even that was infinitely better than when they turned their attention toward me...

The chat continues for another hour, with everyone gradually dropping off the chat as they're called away by their families for dinner. Eventually, only Ari, Molly and Bailey are left on the call when I hear the front door of our flat open and close- which I instantly know means that my time on the call has come to a close too.

“…I think that means I’d better go too,” I say with what can best be described as a 'sad grimace'. “My other sister’s in our ‘bubble’, so- yeah.”

“Okay,” Molly says with a shrug. “Talk later!”

“Sure,” I say with a wave as I exit the call, before opening up my private chat with Bailey one more time.

‘Talk later,’ I type, earning a ‘smiling’ emoji in reply, which mirrors the look on my face.

My smile almost immediately fades, though, when I close my laptop and exit my bedroom to find, as expected, Melanie sat on the sofa in my usual spot.

“Hi Liam!” Melanie says, and I try not to shiver as she grins her trademark grin at me- the same sickly-sweet grin that usually meant that she was about to have a lot of fun- and I most definitely wasn't.

“Hi,” I mumble as I find somewhere to sit in the cramped living room that's more than six feet away from Melanie- and not just due to covid.

“Are you looking forward to Christmas, Liam?” Melanie asks, her grin only widening as I try not to fidget. “Only two days to go…”

“Maybe a little,” I say quietly in reply. “It’ll be, you know, different this year, like…” Which you surely must be aware of, I think to myself, and yet you’ve still got that grin on your face.

“Yeah, we were just talking about that,” Sonia says in an emotional voice as she dishes up the takeaway dinner our sister brought with her. “Every Christmas is gonna be different from now on, which is why we all need to stick together, okay?”

“Sure,” I say, trying desperately to muster up any amount of self-confidence- which isn’t easy when the two people I'm sat with spent most of the last thirteen years steadily eroding it.

“And that means stick together with your sisters,” Melanie says as she looks directly at me, “and NOT your 500 girlfriends!” Great, Sonia told her, I think to myself.

“Now be fair,” Sonia says, “Liam doesn’t have 500 girlfriends.” At least you’re on my side, I think to myself. “I’m pretty sure it’s just the one!” Maybe not, I think as I grip the seat of my chair hard to brace myself for the inevitable interrogation.

“Ooh!” Melanie teases as my cheeks instantly redden. “Go on, what’s her name?”

“It’s either Lily or Daisy, from what I can tell,” Sonia replies before I even get a chance to draw breath. “Of course, he says that they’re NOT his girlfriends, just ‘friends who are girls’.”

“So you haven’t simply got a thing for girls with flower names, then?” Melanie teases, again continuing before I have the chance to say anything in my defence. “What do they call you then, ‘Pansy’?” Well, now I know what I’m going to be called for the whole of 2021, I think to myself.

“No,” I feebly mumble.

“They probably would if they found out about your ‘hobby’ when we were younger!” Melanie says with a cackle that causes my entire body to tense up- and much to my shame, causes Sonia to giggle as well.

“Okay, okay, that’s enough I think,” Sonia chuckles. “Have you been at work today?”

“It’s two days before Christmas and I work in a supermarket,” Melanie retorts. “Yes, I’ve been at work since 6am! Even with Tier 4 restrictions the place was packed out, thank god almost all of them were wearing masks, heh.”

“Not a job you can really do from home, heh,” Sonia chuckles as my sisters continue to talk about their lives, barely even noticing that I’m in the room most of the time.

Melanie sticks around for the next 45 minutes as we eat dinner, during which time she and Sonia discuss many topics (though noticeably avoiding the topic of 'family'), all the while I sit quietly, not daring to interject for fear of yet more ‘teasing’. It takes no time at all for my attention to drift, wishing that I was still chatting with my friends- any of my friends. I’m quickly forced to admit to myself, though, that I’d almost certainly be just as silent with them as I was with my sisters, but the difference is that with my friends, I’d at least feel included, and when they did address me- as Lily did during our group chat just now- it wouldn’t be to make fun of me.

And, most importantly of all, it’s a lot easier to believe- however briefly- that I really am ‘Lisa’ when talking with my friends, rather than with my sisters…

“Huh, that was a pleasant surprise,” Sonia says with a smile as she closes the door after we wave Melanie off. “Nice to actually see some of YOU this holiday too!”

“Hmm?” I say, startled by my sister actually talking to me for once. “Sorry?”

“You actually talking to people face to face for once?” Sonia teases. “Rather than holed up in your bedroom talking to a laptop screen? It can’t be good for you to do that all day…”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like I have a choice, what with covid and everything,” I retort. “And I didn’t do much talking, anyway…” I pause and bite my lip as my sister opens her mouth to retort, only to immediately close it again.

“…Well, you could’ve, you know, jumped in at any point,” Sonia mumbles.

“What, when you were talking about your jobs?” I snort. “You’d have laughed at me just for trying. Again.”

“Not necessarily,” Sonia protests. “And what do you mean, ‘again’?”

“Well, umm, like how you laughed at me for being friends with Lily and Bailey,” I reply, before frowning and blushing as my sister grins.

“Bailey?” Sonia asks with a chuckle. “That’s a new name, who’s ‘Bailey’?”

“Just- just another friend, that’s all,” I mumble.

“Another GIRLfriend?” Sonia asks, her laughter increasing as my cheeks redden further.

“Yeah, this is what I mean by ‘again’,” I snort, before heading to my bedroom.

“What?” Sonia protests. “It’s just a bit of harmless teasing, Liam. You’re not going to last very long at secondary school if your skin’s THAT thin.” Funny, I think to myself. None of my friends 'tease' me like you and Melanie do. I’m forced to concede, though, that what I get from my sisters would be nothing compared to what I’d face if I ever showed up at school as ‘Lisa’.

However, despite what my sister believes, ‘Liam’ is still well-liked, as proved when I boot my laptop back up and am immediately invited back in to a group chat that’s already in full swing.

“Hey Liam!” Sabrina says in a much friendlier, much less teasing voice than either of my sisters used. “Did you have a good dinner?”

“Meh, it was okay,” I reply with a shrug. “My- my other sister came round, so- yeah.”

“I think I remember you talking about her before, her name’s Melanie, isn’t it?” Lily asks, smiling as I nod. “What was the age gap between you and her again?”

“Just over nine years,” I sigh. “So- yeah. I- I used to get, like, ‘ganged up on’ a lot when we were all younger, so- yeah…” I pause and bite my lip as I try to gauge my friends’ reactions- none of them are fans of bullying, and as Harry’s actions proved, many of them have been victims of it for one reason or another. Then again, they are all fairly vocal feminists, so they might not see a problem with someone they see as a boy taking grief from his sisters- in fact, they may even approve of it…

“Ugh, older siblings really can suck sometimes,” Lily snorts, much to my relief.

“What even Laura?” I ask, smirking as my friend giggles and rolls her eyes.

“She’s cool MOST of the time,” Lily replies. “Our brother, on the other hand, sucks ALL of the time. I’m almost fourteen years younger than him. Well, physically, anyway. Mentally I’m about ten years OLDER than him. He’s an ex-squaddie, now training to be a teacher, of all things. Thank god he’s only interested in teaching boy’s PE- ah, sorry Liam, heh. Hopefully he’ll get a job at a different school when he qualifies, heh!”

“Yeah, you’re not exactly, like, ‘selling’ him,” I say, earning a giggle from my friend.

“I mean, he’s ‘only’ my stepbrother,” Lily says, “but god knows how he’ll react when I bring a boyfriend home, heh!” That was a bit obvious, I think to myself. Maybe Bailey was right after all…

“I know I’m happier having a big sister than a big brother,” Sabrina muses. “Especially as we’re more or less the same height and dress size so I can ‘borrow’ clothes from her when I want, hehe! Even if all she wears nowadays is workout gear or dancewear.”

“Jealous,” Lily snorts. “Like, Laura’s seven inches taller than me but she still somehow has a smaller waist than me.”

“Oh, for god’s sake, you are NOT fat,” Molly chastises her best friend. “Not even slightly, like.”

“Easy to say when you already have a boyfriend and loads of other guys drooling all over you,” Lily snorts. “Most boys don’t even go near me because they’re afraid they’ll catch ‘gay’ or something from me via Laura, or whatever.”

“Yeah, but those BOYS are all morons,” Molly retorts. “Cool guys will think you’re cute, right?” Okay, Molly is Lily’s best friend, makes sense they’d both be in on it, I think to myself as the conversation pauses- a pause they’re no doubt expecting me to fill.

“Umm, sure, you look ok- look good, yeah,” I say, trying not to blush as the girls all giggle- Lily included, much to my relief.

“Typical BOY’s response,” Bryony (who I’ve learned also has a transgender older sister) chuckles. “But take it from someone who knows- it’s better to have the, like, idiots weed themselves out rather than you wasting any time doing it yourself.”

“So, given that next to you, EVERY boy’s an idiot, is that why you’re still single?” Sabrina teases her best friend (who I’ve also been told has a Mensa level IQ), who replies with a sly smirk.

“You said it, not me,” Bryony chuckles, before standing back from her camera to show off the clingy navy-blue turtleneck top and short black pleated skirt that she’s wearing. “Back on topic, having an older sister who’s more or less the same size as you is something I also approve of, hehe! Not that I’m saying that that’s the main reason I’m glad Ash transitioned, because- well, yeah…”

“Yeah,” Lily whispers as I muse that just like with my sisters, I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. Well, other than how I WISH I could exchange clothes with my older siblings, anyway. Still, at least my friends aren’t using me as a source of amusement...

Eventually, the chat draws to an end as everyone heads off to bed, me included. As I try to sleep, I find myself focussing on what Sonia told me earlier today. Do I just have too thin a skin? Am I too sensitive to my sisters’ ‘teasing’? None of my friends have described their ‘teasing’ as being anywhere near as bad as what Sonia and Melanie did to me- even Lily’s brother, as much of a jerk as he sounds, didn’t go as far as to dress either of his sisters up purely for his amusement. Then again, I also don’t know how he reacted to one of his sisters coming out as trans. I also don’t know how he reacted to Lily’s sister bringing home a boyfriend for the first time- and I especially don’t know how ANYONE would react to their sister’s boyfriend declaring that they wanted to be a girl. I don’t even know if I want to be Lily’s boyfriend- or even girlfriend- in the first place…

These questions remain on my mind as I wake up the following morning and as I eat my breakfast in front of the television. Naturally, it takes almost no time for my sister to pick up on my mood.

“You’re looking… unusually thoughtful,” Sonia says in a teasing (though a much 'gentler' teasing) way as she switches on her work computer. “And I’ll need you to turn the sound off at 9:30 as I have a meeting, but I’ll be done by noon at the latest.”

“Okay,” I reply with a shrug.

“So…” Sonia says. “What’s on your mind, Liam?” You’re not letting this go, then, I ruefully think to myself.

“Nothing,” I mumble.

“Is it about what we were talking about last night?” Sonia asks, sighing and smiling sympathetically as I shrug. “Is it about what me and Melanie were talking about?”

“No,” I mumble.

“Liam…” Sonia sighs. “Maybe we- maybe we were being a bit too, you know, ‘enthusiastic’ when we tease you like that. But it- it’s just ‘cause you’re, you know, the youngest. If you had any younger siblings, you’d tease them just as much.”

"Bailey's older sister doesn't tease her," I retort. "Like, for her stammer, or whatever."

"Maybe not to her face, she doesn't," Sonia retorts back.

“If you say so,” I say, not believing a word my sister says.

“Well- fine, suit yourself,” Sonia sighs. “But we are going to need to find a way to get along with each other- after all, we ARE the only family we have left.”

“I- I know,” I say, trying not to cry as I’m reminded that tomorrow, Christmas Day, will be unlike any celebration I’ve ever had.

After breakfast, with Sonia needing the living room for her work, I return to my bedroom hoping to find some solace in my online friends- and thankfully, they don’t disappoint.

“Hi Liam!” Lily says with a happy, almost flirty giggle. Was Bailey right? Or is it just that she's put the idea into my head? “Happy Christmas Eve!”

“Happy Christmas Eve,” I chuckle as I wave at my assembled friends. “Are there any plans for today, or is it, like, just chatting again?”

“Just chatting again,” Lily replies with a sigh. “If only we could hang out somewhere together, even if it just one of our homes.” Sonia would love THAT, I think to myself.

“My little sisters have said they want to do a ballet recital for the rest of the family later,” Bryony says. “Though knowing them, it’ll probably be more for their benefit than ours, heh. But I don't mind, like, I’m not going to force them to not do it or anything.” And yet I thought ALL older siblings love to torment their younger siblings, I think to myself.

“It’ll probably be mega cute too, knowing them,” Sabrina giggles. “God knows I’d rather watch them dance than watch Damian try to, even if it did mean he’d wear himself out ahead of tomorrow!”

“Looking forward to another 4am start tomorrow, then?” Bryony asks, grinning smugly at her best friend.

"Looking forward to another 3am start?" Sabrina asks, mirroring Bryony's grin.

“THEY can wake up at 3am, I’m not,” Bryony snorts. “Though they’ll probably come into our room and jump all over me and Ashley demanding their presents anyway, heh.”

“What- what have you got for your sisters?” I ask hesitantly.

“Just a couple of hair clips, some nail art things,” Bryony replies with a shrug. “Mum hasn’t given us much of a budget to work with, heh, especially as she has to give money to Ash too as she’s not getting any money from the coffee shop right now.”

“Same here,” Sabrina says. “I’ve got Damian a few fidget toys, he loves stuff like that. Why are you asking, Liam?”

“Oh, just- just curious,” I reply with a shrug, trying not to show too much anxiety at my sudden 'interrogation'. “You didn’t- didn’t, like, get them any joke gifts?”

“What, stuff they’d hate, as a prank?” Sabrina asks, sneering as I nod. “No way, even if I thought it’d be funny, with Damian’s special needs it’d probably just cause a meltdown and then I’d get the blame for ruining Christmas, heh.”

“Same,” Bryony says. “Though I might get a ‘how to meditate quietly’ book for Cassie for her birthday, but knowing her she’ll probably love it and try to combine it with her stretching exercises or something.”

“Ricky’s threatened to get me an army camouflage jacket for Christmas a couple of times,” Lily scoffs.

“Yeah, but he’s an idiot BOY,” Daisy interjects.

“…I would argue that being 27 means he should’ve grown past ‘boy’,” Lily says with a snort of laughter. “But in his case ‘should have but didn’t’ is about right.”

“And ‘idiot’ is about right for someone who ruin’s another person’s Christmas just for their own amusement,” Sabrina spits as I find myself remembering Christmas morning seven years ago.

“Go on, open this one next!” Sonia insisted as she thrust a small, carefully wrapped package into my hands.

“That’s from both of us,” Melanie interjected as I examined the package, which was soft and small, obviously containing clothes- and even at the age of six, I should’ve known what was coming next. “Go on, open it!” I meekly complied, and frowned with frustration as I unwrapped a plain grey dress with short sleeves and a pleated skirt- not unlike the one Daisy would wear when talking to me seven years later.

“Just like you asked for!” Sonia said, her and Melanie laughing mockingly as I held the dress, trying not to cry.

“Aren’t you going to try it on?” Melanie teased, though her amusement didn't last long.

“Sonia! Melanie!” Dad snarled, though all this did was earn me looks of indignation from my sisters.

“What?” Melanie protested. “Like I said, Liam asked for it, didn’t you, Liam?”

“No,” I meekly mumbled, and even though I was telling the truth, this obviously wasn’t the answer my sisters wanted to hear.

“Don’t lie to dad, Liam!” Sonia chastised, emphasising the word ‘lie’ so as to shame me further.

“Stop, just- just stop, you two,” dad said, sighing with exasperation. “Whatever game it is the two of you are playing, it’s not happening at Christmas, okay?”

“What ‘game’?” Melanie protested with mock-innocence.

“You know what I’m talking about,” dad replied angrily. “You both know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. Ugh, Liam, did you- did you really ask your sisters for this for Christmas?”

“No,” I repeated, even though deep down, even at that young age I wished that I could wear the dress- MY dress- even if only for a short time.

“Why do you always take his side?” Sonia whined as dad placed the dress to one side, out of my reach and my sight.

“A better question,” our father retorted, “is why do you two NEVER take his side?”

The following day, the dress was returned to the shop it was bought from, and I was given the money (which had, obviously, originally been my sisters’) as a bonus Christmas present. Following that, all of my presents from my sisters were handed to my parents first to make sure I had no ‘unexpected surprises’ on either Christmas or my birthday. However, as that’s no longer an option, there’s no telling what I might unwrap tomorrow- or how I’ll react to it…

“…Anyway,” Molly says, returning my attention to the present. “I’m guessing we’re all going to be too busy to chat tomorrow?”

“If by ‘too busy’ you mean ‘too being made to spend time with family’, then yes,” Bryony snorts. “Even if we can’t see our grandparents like we usually do.”

“Yeah, same here,” Lily sighs. “But, you know? Covid can’t last forever, we’ll get back to normal soon enough.” Well, some of us might, I think to myself with a sad sigh.

The chat lasts for another hour, and even though, as usual, I don’t contribute much, I’m grateful for the distraction- though I do find myself feeling a little sad that Bailey doesn’t join the chat, even if only by text. Before heading for lunch, I type out a quick message to my bespectacled friend.

‘Hey Bailey,’ I type. ‘Missed you in the chat, hope you’re having a good Christmas Eve.’ Much to my surprise, though, mere seconds after I send the message, I get notified that my friend is typing a reply.

‘Hi Liam,’ Bailey types. ‘Sorry I missed the chat, am video chatting with my aunts, uncles and grandparents right now. The family normally have a big get together on Christmas Eve, obviously we can’t do that this year so we’ve video chatting instead.’ I bite my lip as I ponder whether or not to remind my friend that I don't even have that option anymore, but given that I just started the chat, the last thing I want to do is make Bailey think I’m guilt-tripping her.

‘And they’re not telling you off for texting with me instead?’ I ask with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘Lol they barely even notice me,’ Bailey replies. ‘For obvious reasons I don’t talk much at family get-togethers. I think they prefer it that way. I know I do.’ Despite the ‘giggling’ emoji attached to the end of her message, I can’t help but feel a little sad for my friend- I know what it's like to always be the youngest, to always be ignored by everyone. Though sometimes, being ignored is much better than the alternative...

‘Could be worse, I suppose?’ I hesitantly type.

‘True,’ Bailey concedes. ‘They could be pressuring me to speak in front of everyone lol! Though I know they’d never do that, thank god.’

‘Yeah,’ I reply as I find myself struggling to think of what to say- in our group chats, I’m so used to remaining quiet, which is something I can’t really do in a one-on-one chat. But there's nothing I want to do more right now than chat with my friend. ‘Will you be spending tomorrow with your family too? Online, I mean.’

‘Probably not,’ Bailey replies. ‘We might talk to my grandparents in the morning but only briefly.’

‘Yeah, I’ll probably spend most of the day with my sisters,’ I type, letting out a quiet sigh.

‘OMG, I’m so sorry,’ Bailey types, briefly confusing me. ‘Here I am talking about my family and I forgot all about your situation.’ I bite my lip at the ‘embarrassed’ and ‘crying’ emojis Bailey sends with her message- I genuinely didn’t want to guilt-trip her, after all, it’s not her fault that my parents are dead.

‘It’s okay,’ I type, hoping my ‘smiling’ emoji makes my friend feel better. ‘I know you didn’t mean it to be nasty, if that makes sense.’

‘My mum always says, ‘if you can be anything, be kind’,’ Bailey replies with a ‘smiling’ emoji of her own.

‘Let me guess- your sister doesn’t always follow that advice?’ I ask.

‘Most of the time, she does,’ Bailey replies with a ‘shrugging’ emoji. ‘I think mum and dad would come down on her like a ton of bricks if she was ever cruel to me or anyone else just for the sake of it.’

‘My parents were the same way with my sisters most of the time,’ I type, before biting my lip- as empathetic as Bailey is, I don't want her to find out TOO much of what went on when I was younger.

‘Sounds horrible,’ Bailey types. ‘I know I’ve said this before, but I really hate bullies, I don’t care who they are or how they’re related to their victims.’

‘Thanks,’ I type, earning a ‘happy’ emoji from my friend. ‘So if you had a younger sibling, you wouldn’t tease them?’

‘I suppose I might sometimes tease them,’ Bailey concedes, ‘but I wouldn’t make them upset just to amuse myself, if that makes any sense. Bryony has four younger siblings, and if anything, they tease her more than the other way round.’

‘Thanks,’ I say with a ‘happy’ emoji of my own, even as deep inside, I muse on how, as I suspected, my sister was full of shit.

Bailey and I continue talking for the next half hour before she’s called away by her family, leaving me at a loose end for the rest of the daytime. While Sonia works in the living room, I try to occupy my time by playing on my phone and watching the usual Christmas television, but I find myself constantly distracted by my earlier chats with the girls. The more I talk with my friends, the more certain I am that Sonia and Melanie’s treatment of me growing up was NOT normal. However, it’s also not normal for a teenaged boy to yearn to be a girl, even if my friends would almost certainly accept me, and even if Lily and Bryony’s sisters are living proof that it does happen. And worst of all, the more I think about it, the more I wonder whether my ‘urges’ really are as a result of my sisters ‘teasing’ me when I was younger. No- worst of all is the fact that I can't share this with anyone. Not Bailey, not Lily, not Bryony, Sabrina, Molly or any of the girls, and certainly not Sonia or Melanie. And yet, the more I bottle these feelings up, the more I feel the pressure build inside of me...

After Sonia finishes her work and shuts down her PC, we share a quick evening meal- a far cry from tomorrow's fancy dinner, or even yesterday's- before settling down for yet more festive television. However, it quickly becomes obvious that the TV isn't enough entertainment for my sister.

“No chats with any of your many girlfriends tonight, then?” Sonia teases, giggling as I roll my eyes.

“My FRIENDS are all busy with their families tonight,” I reply, wincing as I hope I didn't touch the same sore spot with Sonia that Bailey inadvertently did with me earlier.

“Okay, okay,” Sonia says defensively. “I was just wondering…”

“Well, are you going to chat to any of your friends online tonight?” I ask my sister, who responds with an eye roll of her own.

“If you must know, I do keep in touch with them by text,” Sonia replies, her anger seemingly increasing, only to disappear instantly with a sigh. “And- okay, I guess your friends are as much my business as my friends are yours, you are entitled to your privacy etc. etc. I’m just concerned, you know? I effectively have to be your parent now, and-“

“Yeah- yeah, I get it,” I interrupt. “And I am, like, grateful and all that.”

“Glad to hear it,” Sonia says with a tired snort of laughter. “But I was never going to let you go to, like, an orphanage or anywhere like that. And it’s not like you need round the clock care or supervision, but- well, yeah, I guess.”

“Umm, okay,” I say, confused by the way Sonia suddenly ended her sentence. “And no, I’m not going to get up at 6am tomorrow either.”

“Good,” Sonia chuckles. “’Cause I know I’m damn sure not!” I share a smile with my sister as we turn our attention back to the television, keeping ourselves distracted for the rest of the evening.

Despite my promise of not getting up early tomorrow, I still head to bed just after 10:30pm, though as I lay awake (and even though I know I’m not supposed to), I scroll through my phone, looking at and leaving ‘likes’ on all of my friends’ social media posts. I smile at the video of Bryony’s younger sisters doing a special dance for their family, I giggle at the photo of Lily and her sister in complementary Christmas-themed dresses, and I sigh happily at the comparatively formal photo of Bailey, her sister and her parents standing in front of their Christmas tree. And yet, as much as I love to see my friends being happy, I still feel sorry for myself- not to mention envious. I don’t get to wear the fancy tutus that Bryony’s sisters wore, or the Christmas dress that Lily wore, or even the relatively plain, conservative blouse and skirt that Bailey wore. And I’m certainly not going to celebrate tomorrow with my parents, I think to myself as a tear trickles down my cheek. The worst thing, though, is I’m not sure what I’m most upset about…

"Wake up!" I hear a familiar voice shout as I'm shaken awake. "Come on, wake up, sleepyhead!" I open my eyes and look around, surprised to find that I'm back in my bedroom in our old house in Luton. What's most surprising, though, is the identity of the person who's shaking me awake.

"M- mum?" I ask, scarcely able to comprehend what I'm seeing.

"Merry Christmas, Lisa!" Mum says as she gives me a gentle hug. Lisa? I think to myself, before the memories come flooding back to me- of COURSE I'm Lisa. I've always been Lisa. My name is Lisa Marie Maxwell, and it's Christmas morning- a day I've been waiting for for forever.

In a flash, I'm dressed in a knee-length Christmas dress, a pair of thick navy-blue tights and a cute white cardigan. I have a hairband keeping my long, flowing hair away from my face and fancy earrings hanging from my lobes. I feel smothered in soft, yet strong feelings of femininity- and family, as proven as I walk downstairs and into the living room.

"Merry Christmas, Lisa!" Melanie says as she gives me a gentle cuddle, a wide, genuinely happy grin on her face. "Come on, mum says once we've helped set out the presents for everyone, we can start opening!"

"Cool!" I giggle girlishly as I kneel down next to my sisters, shuffling the presents around under the tree, only for a strange feeling of warmth to wash over me, and all of a sudden, the world starts to go dark.

"No..." I mumble as I feel myself return to the cocoon of my bedsheets- and the cold, unflinching grip of masculinity all around my body.

The sound of loud music wakes me up with a start, followed by my sister knocking on and sticking her head around my door, holding up her phone- the source of the music.

“Oh when the snowman brings the snow…” Sonia and her phone sing in unison, before my sister giggles excitedly and mercifully switches off the music. “Merry Christmas, Liam!”

“Merry Christmas,” I mumble as I roll over in bed, desperately trying to hide my tear-streaked face from my sister and praying to return to sleep even if it's just for one second- one second I can be back in my proper home, back with my proper parents- back in my proper gender...

“Oh, come on…” Sonia playfully chastises me. “I know I said I didn’t want you getting up too early, but that doesn’t mean you can spend all day in bed either! I’ve started breakfast, Mel’s texted and she’ll be here in a bit to open presents.”

“Okay, I’ll get up,” I sigh, throwing back my covers and stretching, before sighing at the sight of 'Liam's reflection in my wardrobe mirror. As I pass through the living room, though, I’m encouraged by the sight of a large pile of presents on the spot where I normally sit on the sofa- though I have to bite my lip to hold back the tears when I realise that none of them will come from my parents. And Sonia’s pile is a lot smaller than it usually was at home, too…

After breakfast, Sonia and I sit around watching TV for a while, before eventually Melanie knocks on our front door, instantly raising my tension levels.

“Merry Christmas, Liam!” Melanie says with the usual devilish look in her eyes, which makes me squirm despite my best efforts. “Did Santa bring you everything you asked for?”

“We haven’t even opened our presents yet, as we were waiting for you,” I mumble in reply, my cheeks flushing as this only serves to widen my sister’s grin.

“Aww, so you DID write a letter to Santa, then?” Melanie teases as I scream internally. You can’t even go sixty seconds without teasing me, can you? I think to myself. And you can’t even take today of all days off…

“Mel,” Sonia says quietly, which is enough to bring a scowl to Melanie’s face before she sits down next to her pile of presents on the sofa and starts handing out her gifts to me and Sonia.

After a quick drink, we start opening our presents, taking it in turns just as we did when we were children. I can tell from the shape of my presents that most of them are clothes, which I need, having grown out of most of the clothes I was wearing this time last year. However, I also know even before I open the gifts that they contain new jeans, trousers, men’s shirts are sweaters- and absolutely no skirts, dresses or anything like what Lily, Bailey and the others are inevitably opening right now. And while I’m sad that I’m not given even the slightest glimmer of hope that ‘Lisa’ might be accepted on this Christmas Day, I am at least grateful that for once, my Christmas won’t be 'used' for my sisters’ amusement. It’s my last present, though, which really surprises me the most.

“A- A PS4?” I ask, a grin spreading across my face as I unwrap the large box. “Wow, thanks Sonia!”

“Well- it’s second-hand,” Sonia explains. “And there’s only one controller, but there’s also a £30 voucher in there so can get yourself some games on it if you want.”

“Thanks, this is great!” I say, the genuine smile remaining on my face even as a frown spreads across Melanie’s.

“You kn- you DO know that mum and dad never approved of videogames, right?” Melanie asks Sonia quietly, but still loud enough for me to surreptitiously overhear (though I obviously pretend that I don't).

“Yeah, well, it’s not like he can play outside right now, is it?” Sonia replies. “Besides, I know his girlfriend has a PlayStation that she plays on a lot, so they’ll play together and, like, stay social that way.” Girlfriend? I think, before realising that they mean Lily. Rather than correct them as I usually would, I instead hold my tongue- I’m not supposed to be hearing this conversation, after all.

“Well- you’re his guardian, I suppose,” Melanie concedes. “Just seems a bit, you know, funny that you bought that using the money we inherited from mum and dad.”

“I can help you set that up later, if you want,” Sonia says, raising her voice to let me know that she’s addressing me once again.

“Thanks,” I say yet again. “And, like, thanks for all my presents.”

“You’re welcome, Liam,” Sonia says with a warm smile that’s no doubt meant to put me at ease, but still makes me feel sad- Melanie's not wrong when she said that mum and dad wouldn't have approved of my 'main present', and I would, without hesitation, trade it- and everything else I own- to have them back, especially today. I'd also gladly trade the console for the chance to be 'Lisa', even if just for a day...

After clearing away the wrapping paper, I head through to the kitchen to help my sisters prepare our Christmas dinner, eager to keep the day moving (and eager to get my PS4 set up, as well)- however, despite her earlier telling off by Sonia, Melanie can’t help but start in on me once again.

“So, Liam,” Melanie says, making my tension levels instantly rise, “how long have you been going out with your GIRLfriend, then?”

“I- I don’t have a girlfriend,” I mumble in reply, grimacing as my cheeks automatically redden.

“That’s not what I’ve heard…” Melanie teases in a singsong voice that immediately sets my nerves on edge. “If Lily isn’t your GIRLfriend, then who is she?”

“She- she’s just a friend,” I reply. “A school friend.”

“SURE she is,” Melanie sniggers.

“Well- don’t you have friends are work who are boys?” I retort. “Are any of them your boyfriend?”

“…Kinda hard to go on a date in the middle of a pandemic,” Melanie growls- clearly I’ve struck a nerve, but before I can needle her any further, Sonia takes control of the conversation.

“Okay, think we need to change the subject,” Sonia states firmly. “Are both of you okay watching the Queen at 3 o’clock?”

“No reason I wouldn’t be,” Melanie mumbles in reply, clearly smarting about having her ‘fun’ ruined.

“Sure,” I say with a shrug.

“I’ll head off right after the speech, then,” Melanie says. “We’re open from 6am tomorrow, so I’ll need to get an early night.”

“Oh- okay,” Sonia says, this news clearly taking her by surprise. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Melanie says with a shrug. “It- it’s nothing you’ve done, Sonia, but it- it doesn’t really feel like Christmas, you know?” It’s not nothing that I’VE done, then, I think to myself.

“All the more reason to stay,” Sonia insists. “We are all the family that we have left. We need to remember that.” I bite my lip as Sonia glances over at me with almost a judgemental look in her eyes- even when I’m the tallest person in the room, she and Melanie can still make me feel like I’m five years old again…

“Yes, yes, I know,” Melanie sighs. “I just- ugh. Okay, I’ll stay until the end of Strictly. Will that be okay?”

“Of course,” Sonia says, smiling even as my heart sinks at the prospect of another four hours in my middle sister's company.

Fortunately, most of the morning and afternoon is taken up with preparing, eating and clearing away after our Christmas dinner, before returning to the sofa just before 3 o’clock to watch the Queen’s annual seasonal address to the nation. We spend the rest of the afternoon and early evening sat in front of the TV trying to digest our huge meal, rarely exchanging words- though this at least means I'm not the source of my sisters' amusement. After we bid farewell to Melanie just after 7pm, though, Sonia immediately turns to me with a serious look on her face, and once again I feel like the small boy I was made to feel like all throughout my life.

“…Liam,” Sonia says in a hesitant voice, pausing as she carefully considers her next words.

“Yeah- yeah, I know,” I say to break the awkward silence. “Mel’s my sister too, I should make more of an effort etc. etc.”

“No- no, that’s not it,” Sonia says. “I just- ugh, I dunno. Yes, she’s our sister, but you’re our brother too. And I’m meant to be more responsible for you than you are for us, if that makes sense?”

“Umm… I think so?” I reply, confused by my sister’s sudden change in demeanour.

“I get it, I’m still new to this whole ‘parenting’ thing,” Sonia says. “I’m not even sure I want kids of my own, but I do want to be there for you as much as I can. But I also need you to tell me where I’ve gone wrong, if there’s anything I should do differently, that sort of thing.”

“Okay,” I say with a shrug. “I dunno what, like ‘feedback’ I can give though. Other than asking Mel to stop taking the piss out of me so much.”

“Yeah, I know,” Sonia sighs. “And we all deal with- with loss in different ways, I guess. But I’ll have a word with her, I promise.”

“Thanks,” I whisper.

“And on the topic of ‘having a word’…” Sonia says, fidgeting as she sits back down in the living room. “Liam, I- I got you another- another, well, ‘gift’ of sorts. Something I don’t think it’s appropriate for Melanie to know about, not at this time.” My heart starts to flutter at what Sonia’s implying- even though I haven’t dressed or been dressed in years, and I haven’t so much as hinted at ‘Lisa’s’ existence to any of my friends, could Sonia have figured it out for herself? We have been spending a lot more time with each other than usual, with her working from home and both of us having nowhere else to go. I must have given off ‘signals’ that I didn’t realise…

“O- okay,” I say, sitting down and clasping my hands together to stop them from shaking.

“For the past three months,” Sonia begins. Here it comes… I think to myself. “…I’ve been seeing a therapist, a grief counsellor.” My adrenaline levels instantly drop as Sonia continues. That’s it? I think to myself. A grief counsellor?

“Umm… okay?” I ask, my heart sinking.

“She’s really been helping me with everything,” Sonia explains. “She’s someone I can just, well, talk to about anything. Losing mum and dad, taking responsibility for you, even isolation due to the pandemic. Obviously, I can only chat with her via video, and she’s a private counsellor, not NHS, but now that I’ve added you to my BUPA account as a dependant, there’s no reason why you can’t take advantage of this as well. I’ve spoken to her already and she’s open to the idea of talking to you- obviously, though, only if you want to. But I think it’d help you- she won’t judge you for how you feel, she’ll only listen and help you.” My heart starts to raise again at this prospect- just because I can’t reveal ‘Lisa’s’ existence to Sonia, it doesn't mean that I can't to this counsellor of hers. However, the flat’s walls aren’t exactly thick…

“Umm, if I call her,” I ask hesitantly. “Would you, like, give me-“

“I’ll make sure I’m somewhere else when you talk to her,” Sonia says. “I’ll go for a run or something. I’m glad you’re optimistic about this, Liam. I think talking to someone will do you good, someone who doesn’t have any, you know, ‘history’ with you. And while your friends are undoubtedly great, they’re not trained professionals either.”

“No, I guess not,” I say, before smiling and nodding. “Thanks, Sonia, I- I think this’ll be great. I really do.” And who knows? I think to myself. Maybe, with this counsellor’s help, ‘Lisa’ could become a reality much sooner than later…

“I’m glad,” Sonia says with a warm smile. “I’m talking to her next on Wednesday, so I’ll arrange an appointment for you when I do so. It probably won’t be until after your birthday, though.”

“That’s okay,” I say with a shrug. “I don’t mind waiting.” I mean, I’ve already waited nearly 14 years, I think to myself. What’s another month or so?

"Okay," Sonia says. "And I know it might be awkward for you to speak to a woman about your feelings, so I'll ask if she has, like, a male colleague for you to speak to instead, if you'd be more comfortable with that?"

"I-" I start to reply, before pausing. Would a male counsellor be more receptive to 'Lisa' than a female counsellor? Would I be able to tell another man that I wanted to be a girl? Right now, though, the only question in my mind is 'can I think of a reason to want to see a female counsellor that Sonia would accept?'. And the answer to that, I'm forced to admit, is no. "...Sure, I guess."

“Great!” Sonia says with a wide grin. “In the meantime, let’s get this PlayStation set up!” I smile and nod as I follow Sonia to my bedroom, where the fancy games machine is quickly hooked up to my small TV.

I spend the rest of the evening watching TV with Sonia while my new console downloads some games, before heading through to my bedroom just after 10pm. However, while my games are ready to be played, it’s not that which excites me the most, but rather the fact that when I boot up my laptop, I’m immediately invited into a group call.

“Merry Christmas Liam!” Daisy cheers excitedly as her face (along with those of several of my other friends) appears on my screen.

“Merry Christmas!” I reply with an excited giggle. “Did you all have a good day?”

“As good as possible, under the circumstances,” Lily replies. “It sucks that we couldn’t see my grandparents, though.”

“Same here,” Ariadna sighs sadly. “At Christmas last year we made a plan to spend the whole holiday in Poland with them.”

“I guess we’ll just have to spend time with our ‘other’ family instead,” Lily said with a confident smirk, the rest of our friends nodding as I frown with confusion.

“Umm… who’s the ‘other’ family?” I ask.

“Us, of course!” Daisy replies with a loud cheer.

“My sister’s always talking about how we have to ‘find our family’,” Lily explains. “Like, on her first day of secondary school, she went into school as a girl for the first time, and found friends who she’s still friends with now, and they’re more ‘sisters’ to her than even I am.”

“Isn’t that a bit, you know, offensive to you?” I ask.

“Not really,” Lily replies. “I mean, we’re stepsisters, so in a way, we chose each other as well. And more importantly, all of us have chosen each other, right?”

“Yeah!” All the other girls on the call cheer, making me smile.

“I mean, they always say that you can’t choose your family,” Lily continues. “God knows I wouldn’t have chosen my mum, and Laura DEFINITELY wouldn’t have chosen her so-called ‘dad’. But in a way, the family you choose is even more important than- oh- oh god, Liam, I’m sorry, talking about ‘family’ like this…” I bite my lip to blink back a tear as Lily blushes and looks away from the camera, looking almost like she’s holding back tears of her own.

“It’s okay,” I say with a grin. “And I agree with you. Heh, there are lots of times I prefer you ‘sisters’ to my real sisters, heh. Even though I am grateful that Sonia is, like, looking after me.” And you girls aren’t ever likely to make me dress up in ridiculous costumes for your own amusement, I think to myself. Though they may even help me, if I asked… If I was ever brave enough to ask, anyway.

‘Hi everyone,’ Bailey types into the chat, her smiling face appearing on screen before anyone can say anything further. ‘Did I miss anything?’

“Only that all of us are officially each other’s sister now,” Daisy replies. “Well- or honorary sister in Liam’s case, if that’s okay with you, Liam?” I’ll take ‘honorary sister’ over ‘little brother’ any day of the week, I think to myself.

“Yep, that works for me, heh!” I chuckle.

‘Cool!’ Bailey types, sporting a wide, toothy grin on screen. ‘I sent your present to your email address by the way.’ I smirk at the second half of Bailey’s message, before realising that it wasn’t sent to the group, but to me privately. As the girls quickly get down to showing off the new clothes and cosmetics they got for Christmas, I stealthily open up my email and read my last- but in a way, most special- gift.

‘Liam,’ the poem reads.

‘Boy who I’ve only just met, from
Luton, where he was raised and
Born, before coming to my home of
London.

Brown haired, brown-eyed,
Like a superhero, or maybe a
Boy band member, who
Likes all kinds of sport- especially
Basketball.

Lily, Molly and Daisy are our
Buddies, who we chat with at
Lunchtime and Breaktime,
Best friends who we will always
Love.

But I will always treasure
Liam, so please enjoy this
Bit of a verse I wrote, with
Love from your friend,

Bailey.’

I blink back a tear as I open up a private message to Bailey and thank her for her poem, flashing her a quick wink on screen and watching as she blushes. Sonia and Melanie were wrong- they’re NOT the only family I have left. I just wish I knew how to introduce my ‘new’ family to ‘Lisa’…

“Have fun!” Sonia says, only half paying attention to me as I zip up my coat and head out the front door, heading to school for only the fourth time this year.

I, like every other teenager in the UK, returned to school after the Christmas holidays… only to be sent home again two days later as the country entered yet another lockdown. Like every other teenager, I wasn’t terribly sorry about this- it meant I wouldn’t have to deal with the bullshit of other teenagers like Harry on a constant basis. I wouldn’t have to spend two hours each week playing rugby or football in the freezing cold. I wouldn’t even have to get out of bed more than 15 minutes before classes were due to start. A lot of the kids in my school were ecstatic about this- after all, lockdown rules meant that we couldn’t hang out outside of school anyway- but I still felt sad. The friends I’d made at ‘the table’ had quickly become the best friends I’d ever had, and the more time I spent around them, the more accepted I felt- even if they only accepted me as ‘Liam’ and not ‘Lisa’.

Not long after we were sent home, I celebrated my fourteenth birthday. As with Lily’s birthday twelve days earlier, I had a ‘Zoom party’ with the other girls, played music and ate cake, but the most special thing that happened that day was Bailey sending another poem that I immediately printed out and pinned to a cork board I’d installed above my bed. However, the whole day was tinged with sadness- mostly because it was, of course, my first birthday without my parents, the first birthday I’d had when I didn’t see Melanie all day (which clearly also made Sonia sad, even if she didn’t say anything about it), and while it was my first birthday with my new set of friends, I felt sad that I couldn’t spend any time with them that wasn't over a screen. As the weeks went on, I found myself more and more desperate to return to school.

…And then I eventually did return to school, and the first day, inevitably, was so much worse than I’d imagined.

At home, I barely even thought about what clothes I wore each day. Sonia wore her usual smart blouse and trousers when she was working and on a call, while I wore a pair of jeans and a sweater, and seemingly, so did everyone else in my classes. Then, on my return to school yesterday, I was greeted by an onslaught of femininity.

Everywhere I looked, I saw grey skirts, stretchy tights, soft white blouses, tiny black shoes and even some girls wearing mascara and jewellery. Everywhere I looked, I saw a reminder of- in Lily’s words- how awesome it was to be a girl, and how I very much was NOT a girl. Even worse was the one of yesterday’s lessons was PE, specifically swimming, so while I was shivering in my trunks, I was faced by dozens of girls wearing clingy one-piece swimsuits, which were probably no less chilly but were infinitely more feminine. All I could think about all day was how much it sucked to be a boy, and how much I wished I could be a girl- could be ‘Lisa’- so much so that I couldn’t even begin to tell you what I actually learned yesterday, if I even learned anything at all. Anything other than how much more fun the girls at the table were having than I did, anyway. If I had an opportunity to be 'Lisa', even temporarily, it'd be one thing, but as I'm never alone in the flat, I don't even have that to fall back on. 'Lisa' feels further away than 'she' ever has at any point in my life...

…And as I arrive at school for another day of trying to study, I receive an immediate reminder that today’s going to be no different to yesterday.

“Hey Liam!” Lily says, clearly grinning behind her mask. “We missed you on the call last night…”

“Yeah, s- sorry,” I say as I try not to blush at the sight of the cute girl playfully crossing one tights-covered leg in front of the other, almost as though she was flirting with me- which, if Bailey is to be believed, she totally is.

When Bailey told me that Lily fancied me and saw me as boyfriend material, I’d initially thought she was joking- after all, how can I be ‘boy’friend material when I don’t even see myself as ‘boy’ material? As time’s gone on, though, it’s become increasingly obvious even to me that this is exactly what’s going on. After all, I’ve come to school dressing and presenting as a boy, so why should Lily- regardless of her family history- view me as anything other than a boy? And the truth is, she IS cute. The problem, though, is that I wish that I was as cute as her- if not cuter. And that attitude probably doesn't fall under the heading of 'good boyfriend material'.

“I- umm, I really needed to catch up with my homework," I continue. "Like, study for SATs, sort of thing.”

“If we even do SATs this year,” Lily snorted. “There weren’t any exams last year, after all.”

“Yeah, dunno how much more lockdown I can take, though,” I mumble, earning a sympathetic look from my friend.

“I hear that,” Lily sighs. “Anyway, better get to form now, but I’ll see you at the table, right?”

“Of course,” I reply with a shrug, earning a giggle from the girl. “And tonight?”

“When I’m not putting this dancer’s body through its paces, sure!” Lily replies with another giggle as she poses for me before heading off to her form, leaving me increasingly flustered.

What doesn’t help either is that in the two months since we last saw each other face to face (well, without a screen being involved, at least), there’s another girl who I’ve spent a lot more time talking to than to Lily- even if she prefers not to do any actual 'talking'.

“Hi Bailey,” I say as I sit down next to the bespectacled girl in our art class- our second lesson of the day (having obviously sat together in form as well).

“H- h- hi,” my friend whispers in reply. “Y- y- you weren’t on- online last n- n- night?”

“Kinda had a lot of homework to do,” I reply, using the same excuse I gave Lily- which, while true, disguises the fact that the real reason I stayed off the call was just how scrambled my thoughts were after yesterday's deluge of femininity. Stress that’s continuing even now despite Bailey's skirt covering a lot more of her legs than Lily's.

“O- o- okay,” Bailey says, sounding almost disappointed.

“I’ll be on tonight, though,” I say, though I can’t tell whether or not this makes my friend smile behind her mask.

“M- m- most of the g- g- girls won’t b- be,” Bailey retorts. “B- because of their d- d- dance class.”

“They’ll log on after the dance class though, won’t they?” I ask, smiling as my friend nods. “And I won’t be on the whole evening either, like.”

“O- o- okay,” Bailey says, thankfully not asking why I won’t be online- as it’s not something I particularly want to share.

Tonight, after I get home but before dinner, will be my first video session with the counsellor Sonia arranged at Christmas. And while I’m looking forward to it, a large part of me is terrified as well.

Of course, I’m sure that if I told my friends about the session, they’d be supportive- they know about my history regarding my parents and are sympathetic, after all. What they don’t know- and what will no doubt come as a surprise to my counsellor, too- is about ‘Lisa’. The prospect of finally having someone, anyone to share this secret with is making me nearly boil over with anticipation and nerves, and is almost as much of a distraction as my currently being surrounded by femininity. But to get to that point, first I’ll actually have to come out to the counsellor, and the very idea of saying the words, of forming the words in my brain, petrifies me.

It’s not even like I don’t have examples or role models I can look up to- Lily’s sister has a popular YouTube channel and Instagram account on which she often talks about these issues, and Bryony sometimes talks about the difficulties her older sister had when she first came out, and they both talk about how eager their sisters have been to help girls in their situation. However, I know that as friendly and supportive as they might be, I can’t simply message them out of the blue- I don’t know for certain that they wouldn’t tell their sisters, after all. Worse yet, they- and my counsellor- would eventually end up asking when I started feeling the way I do, and why- and I’d ultimately have to tell them about the ‘treatment’ I got from my sisters when I was younger. I don’t want them to ask me if my feelings about my gender identity stem from what Sonia and Melanie did to me when I was younger, because I’m not entirely convinced myself that they don’t.

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if my sisters were a little kinder to me while I was growing up. Would I be more confident? Maybe. Would I be less resentful? Probably. Would I still be borderline obsessed with being a girl? …I can’t say for certain. All I do know for certain is that as Bailey straightens her tights before getting her coloured pencils out of her school bag, all I can think of is what it'd be like to have my own tights to straighten, or my own skirt to smooth over my knees, or long hair, or all manner of other feminine delights. And in all likelihood, nothing the counsellor can say or do will change that.

Eventually, though, the lesson comes to an end, and I head to the regular table, reasoning that if I can't see that all of the girls are wearing skirts, I won't be as distracted as I was throughout the morning. After all, boys and girls wear- more or less- the same thing above the waist. Naturally, though, when I arrive at the table, I discover that the girls have other ideas.

“Oh, that is SO cute!” Ari gushes as Lily holds something in front of her, which I quickly discover is a leotard- and I’m forced to agree with Ari’s assessment of it. It’s slender, has a very high cut leg and has cap sleeves made of a billowy see-through mesh-like material. The leotard looks like it’d fit Lily perfectly- however, of course, it’s not her body I’m imagining it being on.

“I know, right?” Lily squeaks before carefully folding away the leotard and placing it back in her bag. “I was SO gutted when the strap broke on my favourite leo last week, but Laura had a word with Ms. Fullerton and got me a discount on this, and there was no way I was going to say no, hehe! Can’t wait to wear it tonight. Heh, can’t wait to wear it back in class proper!”

“Totally,” Molly agrees. “I am SO getting one of those myself, and- heh. I think we’ve already bored Liam, hehe!”

“Not just him,” Danny says, laughing as his girlfriend gives him a gentle punch in his arm.

“You don’t get to be bored by talk of me in a skin-tight leotard,” Molly says smugly as Lily briefly glances over at me, only to blush as our eyes meet.

“And I- I’m okay just, like, listening,” I say. “Really.” Even if it is sending my anxiety levels through the roof, I think to myself.

“See?” Lily asks. “There are SOME good guys, hehe!” I allow myself a smirk behind my mask as Bailey gives me a gentle elbow and a knowing look. If only it was THAT simple, Bailey…

“I’ll just be happy if I ever get to wear ANY black leotard to class,” Ari says with a sigh, before turning to me to explain. “In our class, only girls who can dance en pointe wear bla-“

“Wear black,” I interrupt. “Other classes wear different colours, I know. I DO listen sometimes, heh.” Especially as it’s all I can think about most of the time, I think to myself.

“Meanwhile, we just wear nothing,” Daisy says, gesturing to herself, Bailey and Farah before her eyes go wide and she laughs as she realises what she said. “I don’t mean we do ballet naked, hehe! I-“

“I- we know what you mean,” I say softly as my friend laughs uproariously again.

“Though I have heard a few horror stories about girls where the crotch of their leotard snapped, rather than the shoulder,” Lily says with a playful grimace.

“No splits competition TONIGHT, then,” Molly says, earning loud giggles from those in the dance class while the rest of us- myself included- chuckle politely.

Naturally, talk of the evening’s upcoming dance lesson dominates the chat for the rest of the break period, and while I pretend to be disinterested, I hang on every word the girls say, and with every passing second, I find it harder and harder to resist the urge to snatch the leotard from Lily’s bag. As always, I head away to my next lesson feeling included by the girls but feeling further away than ever from being ‘Lisa’. Not least because of the fact that as I’m much taller than Lily, there's no way the leotard would fit me anyway.

Nonetheless, after the next lesson, I headed straight back to the table, though this time, I was one of the first to arrive, finding only Bailey and Daisy waiting for me there.

“Hi Liam!” Daisy greets me in her usual loud, cheerful voice. “It’s just the two of us I’m afraid, the other girls have an extra gymnastics club session today.”

“A- and F- F- Farah will b- be here after h- h- her p- p- prayers,” Bailey explains.

“So, the others are just going to spend the rest of the day swapping from one leotard to the next?” I ask, hoping that my cheeks don’t flush too much at the thought.

“Better them than me!” Daisy says with a chuckle, though I fidget as this leads to an awkward silence. “Anyway, we were talking about what we were doing tonight while the others are off pirouetting or whatever, and we decided we’d have a call if you, Ari and Farah were all up for it.”

“Umm, sure,” I say, before remembering that I have a prior arrangement for tonight. “Umm, actually I- I might be on, like, a little later than planned, like.”

“Y- y- you d- did s-s say earlier,” Bailey stammers.

“What are you doing that’s more fun than us?” Daisy asks in a teasing voice as I bite my lip and try to keep my emotions in check. As private, as personal as the meeting is, I know it’s something both girls will sympathise with- though it's still something that makes me feel upset merely for needing it. And the last thing I want to do is make Daisy feel upset for unknowingly teasing me about it.

“It’s- umm, it’s nothing, really, just, like, a ‘thing’,” I mumble in reply, blushing as my friends continue to stare at me expectantly.

“Well, if- if you don’t WANT to tell us…” Daisy says almost accusingly, her tone of voice sounding a LOT like my sisters when I tried (and usually failed) to keep things private from them in the past.

“I- umm, I- I’ve got my first meeting with my counsellor,” I explain. “Grief counsellor, sort of thing…” I bite my lip to prevent tears from flowing as, predictably, Daisy’s face falls and she looks devastated.

“Oh- god, Liam…” Daisy moans as even Bailey looks like she’s about to start crying. “I’m so sorr-“

“It- it’s okay, you didn’t know,” I interrupt. “Couldn’t have known, like.”

“Yeah, but still…” The dark-haired girl moans.

“I- If y- y- you d- d- don’t want t- to b- be on the ch- ch- chat t- tonight-“ Bailey says in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

“No, I- I think I’ll need cheering up after the session, heh,” I chuckle quietly.

“If you think listening to the other girls talking about their dance lesson will cheer you up, then sure,” Daisy snorts.

“Being with friends will,” I retort, making my friends smile, including Farah as she arrives and sits down at our table.

“Hey girls- well, guy and girls, hehe!” Farah says, immediately perking up the mood at the table after I'd brought it all the way down.

“Hey Farah!” I say as I carefully ponder my next words. “And I don’t mind, like, being considered, like, an ‘honorary girl’ if it makes things easier, heh.” I bite my lip as this predictably brings an awkward silence to the table- I really should’ve chosen my words a bit more carefully, but I wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to ‘test the waters’ when it presented itself.

“…Your hair hasn’t got THAT long,” Daisy chuckles as she playfully flicks back her own dark brown tresses. “And I’m pretty sure that Lily’s straight, so she wouldn’t want to have a girlfriend, honorary or not!”

“Oh, for- Lily is not my girlfriend, seriously,” I say, earning giggles from Daisy and Farah even as Bailey blushes harder. Silently, I breathe a sigh of relief that they aren't latching onto my 'honorary girl' comment- my sisters would've dined out on that for weeks...

“Yet, maybe,” Daisy teases. “Though we’re not going to find out today, as it’s just the four of us for lunch.”

“The ones who CAN’T do gymnastics or dance, gotcha,” Farah chuckles, though her smile seems almost sad because of her words.

“Th- those wh- who d- d-d- don’t fit in,” Bailey says sadly.

“Meh, I dunno, it can be cool to be a misfit, you know?” I say, earning confused frowns from my friends.

“You’d rather be a misfit than popular?” Daisy asks incredulously as I try to keep my tears back again. To be what I REALLY want to be, I’d have no choice but to be a misfit…

“Well- sure,” I reply with a shrug. “I mean, like, when you’re popular, people only like you ‘cause you’re popular, but when you’re a misfit, you know your friends like you for, well, you. If that makes sense?” Especially as I just pulled that out of my arse, I think to myself. And when you’re a misfit, you go everywhere with a target on your back. And nothing could be more ‘misfit’ than being the only boy in a family full of girls. Except maybe being the only boy in a friendship group full of girls…

“Y- yeah, I think I get it,” Daisy says as I breathe a quiet sigh of relief at not putting my foot in it yet again. “Misfits rule!”

“Misfits rule!” I cheer along with my friends- and for the first time in a very long time, I finally start to feel like I actually belong somewhere. Both Daisy and I committed a faux pas during the lunch period, but we were both quickly forgiven and moved on, rather than being made fun of or being made to feel guilty about what we said- or, in other words, behaving how good friends should behave. How family should behave, even…

The lunch period seems to pass by in a blur as I and the other ‘misfits’ talk about our lives, our classes, our friends and all manner of other topics. Needless to say, by comparison, the final lesson of the day drags on and on until the bell finally rings, telling me that it’s time for me to make the short walk home, but my anxiety over my upcoming call is so great that even this feels like miles.

“Hi Liam,” Sonia says, muting her work call as I walk through the front door. “I’m going to make us a quick dinner before I give you your privacy.”

“Okay,” I say as I drop my bag and take off my coat and my shoes.

“Do you know what you want to talk about with your counsellor?” Sonia asks, momentarily making me freeze- there’s no way she could know already, is there?

“Umm, just- just stuff,” I mumble in reply.

“About mum and dad?” Sonia asks softly, making me blush again- this time with shame. In all my excitement over finally being able to come out to someone, I’d almost forgotten the real reason the meeting was set up in the first place.

“Y- yeah,” I reply. “And, like, stuff.”

“Okay,” Sonia whispers. “I get- I get this is something you might not want to share with me, so- okay. You have a right to your privacy, that’s why I’m heading out while you talk to them, heh. What I will say is that whatever you talk about, it’s good to write it down. Your counsellor will probably recommend that anyway, but- yeah. My counsellor told me to write down my feelings so I can revisit them later when I’m not feeling so- like, emotional.” Yeah, I’m not going to write THESE feelings down and leave them somewhere you can find them, I think to myself.

“I- I’ll think about it,” I mumble.

“Okay,” Sonia whispers, clearly unsatisfied by my reply. “Well, don’t waste too much time thinking about it when you could be doing it instead.” Not for the first time, my sister’s words strike a chord with me, and not for the first time, it’s not for the reason she thinks.

“What if it turns out it’s, like, not good for me?” I ask. “What if I spend so much time thinking about something, but when I finally do it, I- umm…” I end up being the target of every bully in school? I end up getting disowned by you or Melanie? I end up losing my friends? I end up wishing that I wasn’t ‘Lisa’ after all, despite my obsession going as far back as I can remember?

“…Well,” Sonia says, obviously confused by my words. “What I’d say, umm, is that- that’s probably something you’re better off talking about with the counsellor.” Nice save, I think to myself. “But, like, what I’ve always thought is that, like, if you want something enough, if it’s that important to you, you- you just have to bite the bullet and do it.”

“Well- okay, I guess,” I say with a shrug, before blushing as a sly grin spreads across my sister’s face.

“And I’m sure that even if she does say no, Lily will still be your friend,” Sonia says, giggling as I roll my eyes. “Oh, come on, you’re fourteen now, it’s only normal to be interested in girls. I guarantee that all of your girlf- all of your ‘friends who are girls’ are also interested in boys.”

“They think most of the boys at school are morons, though,” I retort, leaving ‘and so do I’ off the end of my sentence.

“They probably SAY that,” Sonia says without hesitation, “but even if they don’t want to admit it, every girl yearns to be the girlfriend of the star football player, the same way every boy yearns to be the boyfriend of the cheerleading captain- or, I suppose, ballerina in your case.” My eyes widen at Sonia's last sentence, and it actually takes me a second to realise that she’s implying that I want to be the boyfriend of the ballerina, rather than being the ballerina myself. Of course, there’s no reason why those two things should be mutually exclusive. Other than the fact that most ballerinas aren’t interested in boys who wish they were also ballerinas…

“If you say so,” I say with a shrug.

“Well, believe it or not, I DO remember being fourteen,” Sonia says. “It wasn’t THAT long ago. And I know it can be a pain, you know, homework, school ‘cliques’ and all that. But it can be a lot of fun too, you know? Okay, maybe not with covid, and not with- well, umm, other things.” Like the reason I’m seeing the counsellor? I think to myself. Well, the reason you think I’m seeing them, anyway…

“…Yeah,” I whisper.

“The important thing,” Sonia says, “is not to expect this to be, like, a ‘miracle cure’. The counsellor will help you. But it- it’s going to take a long time before, you know, you start to feel ‘better’, if that makes sense.”

“Yeah, I’m not expecting much,” I sigh, earning a sympathetic smile from my sister.

“It won’t be a waste of your time, even if it seems that way at first,” Sonia says. “The important thing is helping you feel better- and I want to help with that as much as I can too, remember that.”

“I will,” I mumble. “Thanks.”

“What are big sisters-come-guardians for?” Sonia asks, earning a smile from me as I help her make our dinner.

After we eat and wash up, Sonia takes her cue to head out, leaving me to myself as I head into my bathroom and boot up my laptop. As I wait for the call, it dawns on me that for the first time, I’m alone in the flat and I know that Sonia isn’t due back for a long time. For the first time, I have the opportunity to indulge, to express ‘Lisa’ for the first time in years, and the first ever on my own terms. The chance to be the girl I am on the inside is tantalising, almost too hard to resist… and yet I know that if I do, there’s no way I’d be able to get away with it. If I tried, Sonia would no doubt return early, or notice that something was wrong, or out of place, or- most of all- she’d ask why I hadn’t talked to the counsellor…

I sigh and shake my head to try to get such ideas out of my head as I log into Zoom and try to stay calm as I wait for the call to come through. According to the clock on my screen, I only wait four minutes, but it feels like an age as I read and re-read the notes on my screen about what I want to talk about- though the most important thing, obviously, is only 'written' in my head. When the call eventually comes through, I take a deep breath and answer, forcing a smile on my face as the image of the counsellor- a dark-haired man in his late thirties- appears on my screen.

“Hello,” the man says with a friendly, but seemingly cautious smile. “You must be Liam. My name’s Darren, Darren Tate, I’ve been helping your sister for a few months now, and she’s asked me to speak with you to see if I can be of any help in what must be a difficult time for you. Are you happy to speak with me today?”

“Sure,” I reply with a shrug, my heart beating increasingly quickly as I run through what feels like millions of different ways of saying what I really want to say.

“I’ve obviously been made aware of your situation,” Darren continues. “I’m sure you have a lot you want to go through, a lot you want to talk about, but first: how have you been doing over the last few months?”

“…Okay, I guess,” I reply with a shrug. “School just opened again this week, so I’ve been, like, getting back to normal there.”

“Yeah, I saw that on the news,” Darren says. “Are you feeling settled in your new school?”

“Umm, sure,” I reply. “I’ve been there, like, six months now, I’ve made friends, so- yeah. I mean, I can’t hang out with them outside of school, but- yeah. I probably wouldn’t be allowed to anyway, as all my friends are girls, heh.” I bite my lip as this last bit of information slips out inadvertently- it’s something I’d wanted to save for later, but I start to fidget as I realise that it might provide me with an unexpected opening.

“Okay,” Darren says as he types away on his keyboard. “Do you not get on well with the boys at the school?”

“We just- have, like, different things, like, not in common,” I mumble.

“But you have more in common with the girls?” Darren asks as my palms start to sweat. Okay, I think to myself. It’s coming, just a few seconds more…

“Umm, kinda,” I say in a voice barely louder than a whisper.

“Do you feel this is because you grew up with two older sisters?” Darren asks.

“Ah- no, definitely not,” I reply, before taking a deep breath. “It’s because I- I feel I- that I, like, should- should have been a girl myself…” My voice trails off as I finish my confession, my cheeks burning and my eyes welling up with tears despite my best efforts. Well, I’ve said it now, I think to myself. I can’t ‘unsay’ it…

“Do you- do you wish that you were a girl?” Darren asks, nodding and smiling supportively as I nod. “Okay, I- I wasn’t expecting this, I will admit, but this is clearly something that’s very important to you. Liam, I- you should know that I’m not qualified to diagnose gender dysphoria. I can give general advice, and I can certainly refer you to a colleague who will be able to help, but the waiting list is long. Does anybody else know about what you just told me? Your sisters, your friends?” Darren bites his lip as I shake my head. “Did- did your parents?”

“No,” I whisper. “And after everything while me and my sisters were growing up, I- I’m not sure they’d believe me anyway.”

“Okay,” Darren says softly. “Would you- would you like to tell me more about that?”

“Growing up, my sisters, they- they teased me,” I reply with a shaky voice. “Like, a lot.”

I spend the next 35 minutes baring my soul to my new counsellor, telling him everything about the ‘games’ my sisters would play with me (or rather, on me) when we were young, all the times I wished I’d been ‘Lisa’ instead of ‘Liam’, about the dreams in which I would be Lisa, even about my obsession and subsequent friendship with Lily upon starting school. All the while he types down what I say, nods and smiles supportively- but doesn’t judge or belittle me, not even once. By the time I’ve finished, my throat is almost hoarse from all the talking I’ve done- not to mention all the crying. And yet, I still feel guilty as Darren sits back and (presumably) looks at what he’s written on his screen- I didn’t mention my parents even once during the 35 minutes, other than their reactions to Sonia and Melanie’s ‘games’.

“Okay,” Darren says, clearly trying to compose his own thoughts. “It’s pretty clear even to me that this isn’t some spur of the moment whim. From the length of the time you’ve said you’ve had these feelings, and how much you say they occupy your thoughts, this isn’t something that should just be ignored or dismissed.” My heart starts beating faster as Darren speaks, though my heart sinks as I sense Darren leading up to a 'but'. “However, as I said before, I’m not qualified to deal with gender dysphoria, and while I absolutely will refer you to a colleague who can help, she has a long waiting list, and neither of us can recommend any form of treatment- even anything like beginning to explore your gender identity- without the consent of your legal guardian.”

“…Sonia,” I sigh.

“Which itself raises several issues,” Darren continues. “Liam, what- what was done to you when you were younger, your sisters’ ‘games’, that- that was not alright. Many people would call it bullying, abuse, even. However, there- there are many different reactions to abuse. There are those who rail against it, those who make excuses for it, there- Liam, have you- have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome?”

“Umm… is that a Swedish thing?” I ask, trying not to blush as my counsellor smiles.

“It’s a condition where a person can- speaking in very general terms- grow dependent on the thing that’s harming them,” Darren explains.

“Umm, okay,” I say. “So- what? You think I need to be a girl because of this Swedish thing?”

“I’m saying it- it’s something we can’t rule out,” Darren replies.

“Well, that- that’s not true,” I protest. “I HATED the way my sisters treated me when I was growing up. The chance- the chance to be- well, to, like, feel like a girl, I mean, it- it was the only good thing about it.”

“…But maybe you clung to that feeling because you needed to take some kind of positive from what was an overwhelmingly negative situation,” Darren retorts, and as hard as I try, I have no response to his words. “Regardless, as I said, I’m not an expert on gender identity issues. I can’t simply say ‘yes you are a girl’ or ‘no you’re not a girl’- to say either would be dangerously negligent of me even if I had had the training. But I promise that I will refer you to a colleague who will help you with this, who won’t rush to a decision, and who will ensure that you get what’s best for you.”

“…Thanks,” I mumble, my shoulders slumping as I realise that despite the last hour, despite finally being able to bare my soul, nothing has really changed- I’m still ‘Liam’, not ‘Lisa’. I’m still going to go to school tomorrow wearing the same plain grey trousers, I’m still going to have little or nothing in common with the girls- well, most of them, anyway. ‘Cause god knows I’m still going to be a ‘misfit’…

“I get that this has already been a difficult call for you,” Darren says gently. “And we haven’t yet touched on the real reason- well, the reason I was initially told I was calling you.”

“…Mum and dad,” I whisper emotionally. “God knows what they’d think of ‘Lisa’…”

“If you’d rather save that discussion for next time, I’ll understand,” Darren says. “But you’ve got me for another 30 minutes, and this is your time. Anything you want to say, I’ll listen.”

“Thanks,” I say, before sighing, the events of the day leaving me utterly exhausted. “I- I dunno. I got so excited to, like, finally come out, but now it’s happened, I- I dunno.”

“You feel kinda deflated?” Darren asks, smiling as I nod. “It’s okay. I get it, and it was a big step coming out, even if it is to a professional, rather than publicly or to a family member. Don’t feel like you haven’t achieved something today, Liam, because you have, and the next few steps you take won’t be alone.”

“Thanks,” I say again. “I- heh. I think I’d better leave mum and dad until next time, if that’s okay.”

“Of course,” Darren says. “If you need to send me a message at any time, feel free to use the chat from this call. Will you be okay for the rest of the evening?”

“Yeah,” I reply with a shrug. “Sonia will be home in a bit, and I’m probably going to spend the rest of the evenings chatting with the girls anyway.”

“Which I imagine you’re looking forward to more than you were looking forward to this call?” Darren asks, smiling as I blush. “It’s okay, I get it. And it’s definitely a positive, having a friendship group you can rely on, especially with the pandemic and all.”

“Yeah,” I say with a smile. “They’ve definitely made the last few months a lot easier.” And infinitely easier than Harry and his meatheads would’ve made it for me, I think to myself with a small shudder.

“Good,” Darren says. “I won’t take up any more of your ‘chatting with friends’ time, then. I’ll talk to you next Tuesday, and if I hear from my gender identity colleague in the meantime, I’ll let you know.”

“Okay,” I say, smiling as I end the call with a wave, before letting out a long sigh. My counsellor is right when he says that I’ve taken a big step, and that I won’t need to take the next few alone. What he obviously doesn’t realise, or neglected to mention, is that the next few steps are going to be much, much bigger. Coming out to Sonia. Coming out to Melanie. Coming out to my friends. Living openly as ‘Lisa’.

…Assuming, of course, that Darren is wrong, and ‘Lisa’ isn’t just a reaction, a coping mechanism for the ‘treatment’ my sisters gave me when I was younger. I’d long since suspected that, contrary to what they’d told me at the time, Sonia and Melanie’s ‘treatment’ of me was far from ‘normal’. Lily, Bailey and Bryony’s tales of their older (and in the latter case, also younger) siblings just confirmed my suspicions. However, I’d also used Lily and Bryony’s older sisters as ‘proof’ that my need to be 'Lisa' was valid- only now, I’m not as certain. Sure, those feelings occupy my mind on a daily- sometimes even hourly basis. Sometimes it’s all I can think about. But is that because it’s just a ‘coping mechanism’? If that’s the case, how come those feelings are stronger than ever, even after Sonia and Melanie have promised to stop their ‘games’?

My mind is so preoccupied with these thoughts and countless more that I barely even register when my phone beeps to inform me of a new message- though the message quickly brings the smile back to my face.

‘Hey Liam,’ Bailey's message reads, instantly bringing a smile to my face. ‘Me and some of the girls are in a group call and we saw that you’re now free, let me know if you want to join and I’ll invite you in.’ Needless to say, I waste no time in replying in the affirmative, and within seconds, Bailey, Daisy, Farah and Ari’s smiling faces pop up on screen.

“Hi Liam!” Daisy yells excitedly. “It’s just us today, the other girls are busy pirouetting or something.”

“Ah- right, dance class is on a Tuesday,” I say.

“So they’ll be along later,” Farah says. “But more importantly, how are you? We were told it was your first meeting today with your counsellor?”

“Yeah, it was-“ I reply, before pausing. It was an hour of talking about something I can’t tell any of you about, I think to myself. Something I daren’t tell any of you about, at least…

“I- i- i- if it was p- p- private,” Bailey nervously says to break the awkward silence I caused.

“No, i- it’s okay,” I reply. “Though I, umm, would prefer to keep to myself. For now, like.” Forever, maybe, I think to myself with a sad smile that the girls immediately pick up on.

“If it wasn’t for stupid covid, I’d come right over to give you a hug,” Daisy announces, making me smile and the other girls giggle.

“Virtual hugs will be fine for now,” I reply with a chuckle that the other girls echo.

Wait, ‘other’ girls? I think to myself. I’ve barely been chatting with the four of them for a minute, and already it’s like any feelings of not belonging, of feeling like I’m out of place or don’t fit in have just washed away. In no time at all, I’ve allowed myself to feel like I am just another one of the girls, regardless of how I’m dressed, or even what image I'm 'projecting'. And the funny thing is, even though I’m now aware of these previously subconscious feelings, it hasn’t actually changed anything. I still feel like one of the girls, like I’m part of a special ‘group’ where my birth gender doesn’t matter, and nor does the fact that I'm an orphan, or- as Darren insists- an abuse survivor. In this moment, I am, without any 'ifs' or 'buts', one of the girls. The only thing that makes me sad is that I know the chat won’t last forever, even if I’ll be seeing the girls again at school less than 24 hours from now.

Before that can happen, though, the chat suddenly gets noisier as we’re joined by five other girls, whose hair tied into severe buns atop their heads immediately gives away what they’ve spent the last hour doing- and provides a sharp contrast to the free-flowing hair (or in Farah’s case, hijab-covered hair) of the rest of us- even my own nearly shoulder-length light brown locks.

“Hey girlies!” Lily cheers as she, Molly, Bryony, Sabrina and Jo all appear on-screen. “Well- girlies and honorary girlie, hehe!” I blush as the girls all giggle- as the only boy in the chat, it’s obvious that I’m the ‘honorary girlie’.

“Hey everyone!” Daisy cheers as excitedly as she waves at the newcomers. “Did you have a good class?”

“Yep!” Sabrina replies as she unties her bun and lets her hair hang free- something that nearly makes me shudder as I realise that her hair is almost the exact same colour as mine. Even if it is much, much longer…

“Nicole wasn’t too much of a pain, then?” Farah asks- Nicole being Sabrina’s sister and one of the junior instructors of the class.

“She wasn’t taking the class, thank god!” Sabrina replies with a giggle. “It was Madame Renou-Briggs herself, thank god. Heh, never thought I’d be saying THAT.”

“Is the- is the French teacher strict, then?” I ask, earning giggles from the ‘non-misfits’.

“Definitely,” Jo replies. “I think I heard somewhere that she nearly, very nearly made it as a professional ballerina herself, but just missed out and had to go into teaching instead, so she’s absolutely obsessed with perfection from her students.”

“She’s less strict with the younger kids, though,” Bryony explains. “Dee- my sister, who’s eight- absolutely adores her. As does Cassie, but you could literally put a tutu on a sack of potatoes and she’d go crazy for it, heh.” I chuckle along with the rest of the girls at my friend’s joke- even though I’ve never so much as seen a photo of Bryony’s sister, I already feel like I know her well enough to understand what she’s getting at.

“And less strict with the boys in the class,” Jo says, before giggling devilishly. “Which is a pity, as I certainly wouldn’t mind a few more full-screen images of Jake…” Naturally, this elicits ‘oohs’ from the rest of the girls, and shortly afterward, a text message to me.

‘Ah, ballet and boys, same as every other Tuesday evening,’ Bailey types with a ‘winking’ emoji. ‘Jo didn't even try to make a natural sounding segue to the topic of her current crush! Cue for us ‘misfits’ to sit back and listen lol.’

‘I don’t mind too much,’ I reply.

‘I imagine not, as Lily was twerking when you joined the call last Tuesday,’ Bailey texts with another ‘winking’ emoji, even though on-screen my friend looks like she’s almost about to cry. ‘Sorry, I should’ve thought before typing, that wasn’t very funny.’

‘I thought it was funny,’ I type with a ‘shrugging’ emoji that makes my friend immediately perk up.

‘You don’t have to say that,’ Bailey types.

‘It’s funnier than Lily’s bum, that’s for sure,’ I type, actually earning a breathy laugh from the bespectacled girl on screen- though this goes unnoticed by the chat as a whole, making me feel almost sorry for my friend.

‘I know where I rank next to her derriere,’ Bailey types with a ‘sad smile’ emoji. ‘God knows if I tried twerking it wouldn’t just be me who died of embarrassment, but everyone watching too. Same goes for ANY kind of dancing.’

‘You shouldn’t put yourself down like that,’ I chastise my friend, who blushes on-screen.

‘I’m just being realistic,’ Bailey retorts. ‘Who would look at me when they could look at Lily or Molly instead?’ I would, I think to myself as I prepare to reply, before feeling an odd flutter pass through my body. Would I really, though? Sure, Lily may be ‘objectively’ prettier than her, but Bailey’s far from ugly, even if she does never wear any make-up- or maybe even because she never does? And one thing’s for certain- there are infinitely more boys who would be interested in her than girls who would be interested in ‘Lisa’…

‘Any boy with a brain,’ I eventually reply, earning a sad smile from my friend.

‘But not any boy with eyes?’ Bailey replies with a ‘laughing’ emoji as I start to feel genuinely sad for my friend. I’m sure she thinks she’s being funny- and her jokes are genuinely witty, I suppose- but seeing her lack of self-esteem just makes my heart break. And reminds me of just how little self-esteem I have left after my childhood as my sisters’ plaything. Before I can type a reply, though, Bailey continues typing.

‘I actually tried wearing make-up once,’ my friend says, her message coming across almost like a confession. ‘It was a complete disaster, my hands are so wonky my eyeliner wound up more on my nose than anything. I thought about asking my sister to help, but I didn’t want to waste her time. Or any more make-up lol.’

‘Why not ask the other girls to help?’ I suggest.

‘They probably would, but I wouldn’t want to waste their time either,’ Bailey replies. ‘I even tried doing a few ballet steps once to an online video for beginners and wound up on my backside quicker than it took the video to load lol.’

‘The girls would DEFINITELY help there,’ I type.

‘Again, probably,’ Bailey types. ‘Though THAT would be a MUCH bigger waste of time.’

‘Not if it’s something you really want,’ I type, biting my lip as Bailey ponders her reply- if it wasn’t something she truly wanted, you would think she’d reply immediately to say something to that effect, rather than type for as long as she has.

‘It’d be embarrassing though,’ Bailey eventually replies. ‘Saying to Lily ‘hey, I really wish I could be more like you’.’ And you don’t know how much I sympathise with you there, I think to myself as I try not to cry myself. Hell, I wish I could be more like YOU than myself…

‘Do you wish you could be more like Lily?’ I ask, my fingers shaking with nerves.

‘Definitely,’ Bailey replies. ‘She’s slender, pretty, flexible too.’ I smirk as I glance back at the video chat, where Lily is demonstrating Bailey’s last point by stretching one leg high above her head. ‘She doesn’t stammer either.’ I bite my lip as I see Bailey blush bright red and almost break down in tears on-screen- clearly this has been a big thing for her to confess this.

‘She doesn’t write poetry as well as you, though,’ I type, smiling as my bespectacled friend chuckles.

‘She does YouTube and social media infinitely better than me,’ Bailey retorts. ‘So when she’s older she’ll be living in a big posh influencer house wearing designer clothes, while I’ll probably be living in a small flat surrounded by cats wearing a dress made out of old curtains or something.’ Which is still a better prospect than 'Liam's future, I think to myself. ‘Ugh, I’m sorry I’ve put all this on you, Liam, especially with what you’re going through right now.’

‘I don’t mind, honestly,’ I reply. If anything, it’s helped take my mind off of things, I think to myself. Well, some things, anyway, I muse as I see Molly showing off the denim dungaree dress she’s pulled on over her long-sleeved dance leotard.

‘You’re a great friend,’ Bailey types, and despite myself, I feel a tear trickle down my cheek. ‘Any girl would be lucky to have you as their boyfriend, assuming they don’t mind you being called ‘honorary girlie’ every now and again.’ Only as long as they don’t mind taking off ‘honorary’ every now and again too, I think to myself.

‘Lol,’ I type in response. ‘And I don’t mind listening, I enjoy talking to you, you know that.’

‘Thanks,’ Bailey types as she continues to blush. ‘And if you ever need to confide in me, I’m only ever a message away.’ If only it was that easy, I think to myself. If only I could muster up even a tiny fraction of the courage necessary to tell Bailey how I really feel- who I really am, deep down inside.

However, on the positive side, I do now have at least someone I can confide in- even if it’s just for one hour a week. And it’s something he’s not trained to advise me on. And I’m no closer to coming out to my friends or my sisters, and certainly no closer to being ‘Lisa’, even if just for one second. And yet, I somehow feel optimistic that things could change- or even that they might change. Bailey trusts me- someone she’s only known for six months- enough to confide in me about her feelings. Knowing the friends she- or rather, we- have, it’s a safe bet she’s a supporter of transgender issues. Hell, part of the reason I joined the group of friends was because I perceived them to be trans-inclusive. And while what I was led to believe about Lily turned out to be wrong, there’s no denying that they are inclusive. I just wish I knew for certain whether or not Bailey would be inclusive of ‘Lisa’ as a close friend- especially as she's quickly becoming more than 'just another friend' to me...

“Beautiful,” I involuntarily whisper as I watch the image on my screen, grateful that my microphone is on mute and that none of the other teenagers — the other girls — on the call can hear me. And in fairness, the images I’m seeing ARE beautiful.

The 15-year-old girl looks effortlessly elegant as she glides across the floor in her pink tutu. Even her pink face mask doesn’t detract from the illusion that she is the perfect image of a ballerina — although the badge stuck to the tutu that says ’15 today’ does a little.

‘Bryony is so talented,’ Bailey types in the call’s group chat, quickly earning ‘likes’ from the rest of us. It’s hard to argue — the blonde girl dancing across my screen isn’t just a skilled dancer, but is also predicted 8s and 9s in all of her GCSEs (and would’ve taken many of them early if not for Covid). She also helps to run the school’s computer club and is a shoo-in for prefect or maybe even head girl next year. When added to the fact that she’s nearly 5’ 8”, fit and very beautiful, it’s no surprise that many of the girls, not just in our group, but in the entire school envy her.

I, of course, envy her too — though that also applies for any girl who wears a pink tutu and pink tights. Or tights of any colour. Or any girl's clothing of any colour, for that matter.

‘She is awesome,’ Daisy types. ‘I wish I could walk as well as she does, never mind dance.’ I can’t help but feel a twinge of sympathy for the disabled girl and a pang of guilt — as difficult as I find being a boy, or rather being forced to be a boy, I have to accept that her life is much harder than my own. However, that doesn’t mean that my own life is perfect….

“Enjoying your dance show?” Sonia — who can’t see my screen but can hear the music — teases as she sticks her head around my bedroom door (without knocking first, of course.)

“…Ever heard of knocking?” I ask, immediately flushing with shame for snapping at her, as my sister scowls.

“I was only asking, no need to be like THAT,” Sonia sneers in response. “I just came to say I’m heading out to the shops to give you some privacy for your counsellor. Assuming you can tear yourself away from your girlfriends, anyway.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, not looking up from my screen as my cheeks continue to flush and Sonia closes the front door behind her. On my screen, Bryony finishes her routine and dips into a deep curtsey while the other girls in the class all applaud, and would likely have all given her a group hug too if it wasn't for Covid.

‘Easy social distancing — just wear a tutu,’ Daisy types, earning a genuine snort of laughter from me.

‘Doubt my parents would approve of that lol,’ Farah types with a ‘laughing’ emoji. ‘Maybe I could get a job designing jilbabs with built-in tutus?’

‘Or any dress that doesn’t show too much of your legs,’ Bailey types as I sigh sadly; while I know Farah keeps her body covered because of her religious beliefs, Bailey prefers more ‘modest’ clothing out of the belief — which always makes me feel a pang of sadness for her — that no one wants to see her body. Before I can type anything in reply, though, my laptop ‘pings’ to notify me of another incoming call.

‘G2G, counsellor is calling,’ I type, earning ‘hug’ and ‘heart’ emojis from the other girls.

‘Will probably be on a call with the birthday girl and the rest when you’re done,’ Bailey types. ‘Let me know and I’ll invite you to the chat.’

‘Okay,’ I type with a ‘smiling’ emoji before dropping out of the call and answering the new one.

“Hi Liam,” Darren says with a smile that I attempt to mirror. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything — I saw you were already in a call when I placed this one?”

“Umm, yeah, just — just a livestream, that’s all,” I reply, biting my lip as it’s clear my counsellor is expecting further details. “Of — of my friends’ ballet class. It was one of their birthdays, so they were doing a special performance; the dance teacher does that for all the girls.”

“I think I remember you telling me about that before for one of your other friends,” Darren says as I blush even more deeply — he’s right when he implies that this isn’t the first ‘special performance’ I’ve watched in the last few weeks. He’s also the only person in the world who knows why I watch the performances, and how much I wish I could ‘perform’ myself. “Was it for one of your close friends?”

“Umm, kinda close,” I reply. “Bryony’s part of, like, ‘the gang,’ but she’s a year above me, so we haven’t hung out much. Maybe now that Covid restrictions are starting to lift, we might, I dunno.”

“And how did you feel when you watched the performance?” Darren asks.

“…Same as when I watched all the other ones,” I mumble in reply. “I wished I could be Bryony, that I could have that life, those feelings, those friendships….”

“Even though to me, it seems like you already do have those friendships?” Darren asks.

“…It’s really not the same,” I sigh in reply. “Most of my friends are girls, sure, but most of them still see me less as a friend and more as a ‘boy friend’ with two words, if that makes sense. And I’m pretty sure Lily still wants me to be her boyfriend, but, like, with one word.”

“I can understand how that would be frustrating,” Darren says softly. “Especially as you’re at that age where hormones — male and/or female — are in control of your bodies. It’s only natural for girls to ‘recognise’ you and vice versa, and given your circumstances, only natural for this ‘recognition’ to cause you discomfort.”

“I don’t suppose I’m any closer to speaking to a gender identity specialist, am I?” I ask in a small voice, hoping that Darren doesn’t take offence, despite the many times I’ve asked this before.

“I’m afraid not,” Darren replies. “I have been asking, of course, but with the ongoing global situation and — well, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you again.”

“Yeah,” I sigh as I realise that any opportunity to talk about my Lisa-related ambitions has now vanished from this call.

“Have you kept up to date with your emotion diary, particularly regarding your feelings about your sisters' treatment of you when you were younger?” Darren asks, smiling as I nod, reach into my nightstand for the small notebook and open it from where we left off last week.

As always, we spend the next 45 minutes discussing my feelings, my grief for my parents — especially with the one-year anniversary of their deaths coming soon and Father’s Day being just around the corner — and my continuously-strained relationship with my sisters. And, as usual, we gloss over any discussion of my gender identity issues until I’m able to talk to a trained gender identity counsellor about it. Whenever that will be, anyway. It actually comes as a relief when Darren calls an end to this week’s session, mostly as Sonia hasn't returned yet, meaning that after I send a message to Bailey, I'll be able to sit back and enjoy my call without any unwanted interruptions. For now, anyway....

“Hey Liam!” Daisy cheers as I rejoin the call, which has all the girls from the dance class in it — with the notable exceptions of Bryony and Sabrina.

“How was your counselling session?” Lily asks gently with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t answer that if you’re not comfortable, of course.” I bite my lip as the slender girl tries not to blush — she clearly knows how sensitive a topic it still is for me and doesn't want to offend me by asking about it. Hopefully, my smile will let her know that I’m not offended — the last thing I need right now is to drive a wedge between anybody in this group.

“It was okay,” I shrug. “Just talked about the usual stuff, you know.”

“Well, hopefully this chat will be a bit more fun, hehe!” Molly giggles as I smile. “Bryony and Sabrina will be online in a bit; they’re just having a meal at Bryony’s house first. It WOULD have been a proper party, but — well, yeah. No prizes for guessing why not, heh.”

“I think Bryony had to twist her parents’ arms just to let her bring Sabrina home,” Jo — the other girl in our ‘group’ from Bryony’s school year — says, clearly upset but understanding why she was excluded from the in-person party.

“Also, ballet does make you a bit sweaty!” Ari interjects as the other girls all roll their eyes. “Oh please, you know I’m right, and especially in June?”

“…Okay, so maybe I DID shower when I got home,” Lily says with a wink that I can’t help but feel they directed at me.

‘I imagine you’re used to this by now?’ Bailey messages me privately, referring to the fact that, as always, the main topics of the chat have become ballet and boys and, as usual, Bailey, myself and the other ‘misfits’ won’t have much to contribute.

‘I imagine you know by now that I don’t mind?’ I reply with a ‘winking’ emoji that makes my bespectacled friend giggle on screen.

‘I sometimes forget what a cool guy you are,’ Bailey types and, even though I smile, I wonder as always whether Bailey would still think I was cool if she knew I didn’t think of myself as a ‘guy.’

‘Thanks,’ I simply type in reply as the chat continues between the girls, with me quickly becoming engrossed once again.

“…Was saying that with dance schools reopening last month, it won’t be long before I start training for pointe shoes,” Ari says to the approval of the group. “And I am a bit nervous, but Bryony just looked SO beautiful in her tutu tonight.”

“All of us girls look beautiful in tutus or whatever we wear,” Lily says confidently to the approval of the group. “Honorary girls… that’s kinda up to you Liam, hehe!” ‘How do I respond to THAT?’ I ask myself. ‘I wish I could be as beautiful as you?’ ‘I wish I could wear a tutu and dance like you girls?’

…All the things my sisters coerced me into saying when I was younger, whenever I DID wear any of their clothes — and how I definitely did NOT feel beautiful at the time? “…Thanks,” I mumble as Lily and the other girls giggle before quickly moving on with the chat, while I wonder whether Lily was giving me an opportunity to come out — though given that Lily has only ever expressed interest in masculine boys, it’s more likely that it was a ‘test’ that I ‘passed.’ From her perspective, anyway….

“But you’ll get the hang of pointe quickly enough, Ari,” Molly assures the raven-haired Polish girl. “Yes, it’s an absolute pain to start with — and a lot of times after that, too — but you really feel more like a proper ballerina when you start dancing en pointe.”

“Plus, it makes your legs look AMAZING,” Lily says, leaning back and stretching one of her bare, hairless legs above her head for the benefit of everyone on the call — me in particular, if Bailey is to be believed. “Which I’m very grateful for now that tights season is officially over at school, hehe!” I smile as the other girls laugh, though I know the laughs are at the very least forced in the case of Daisy and Farah — both of whom only ever wear trousers to school, the former for practicality and the latter for religious reasons — and Bailey, who’s still wearing tights to school for modesty reasons. The other girls, though, have been bare legged at school since June, thanks to the school’s uniform code stating that girls have to wear tights with skirts, but only between the months of September and May inclusive. This led to a very strange — but still very cool — ritual on June 7th (the previous week having been half term) when the other girls all showed up to school wearing tights under their skirts… only to take them off and throw them in the bin before the school day started. It took every bit of willpower I had not to fish at least one discarded pair out of the trash- god knows it’s not like I could’ve asked the girls to give their discarded tights to me…

“REALLY hope that they let the cheer club happen next year too,” Molly sighs.

“Totally,” Jo says with a sad smile. “It didn’t bother Bryony very much, but Sabrina was totally gutted that they cancelled it this year. Dance club too.”

“Do you plan on spending all of year 11 changing from one skimpy uniform to another?” Daisy asks with a cheeky grin. “And the whole of year 10 for the rest of you?”

“Hopefully,” Lily replies with a sickeningly sweet grin as the other girls giggle, but I can’t help but notice a sad look on the faces of Farah and Bailey — and Daisy too, despite her joke.

‘Oh goody, a year of cheerleading chat to look forward to as well,’ Bailey types, making me giggle. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind and I love that I’m included, at least in discussing it, if nothing else.’ I pause as Bailey takes an unusually long time to type her next message, almost like she’s really thinking about what to type next, or more likely, deleting and retyping the same message over and over. ‘It’d be nice if I was able to actually contribute something myself.’

‘I totally get that,’ I type, pressing send before I realise what I’ve typed, and hoping that Bailey doesn't read too deeply into my words.

‘I’m afraid netball isn’t much like basketball,’ Bailey types with a ‘winking’ emoji. ‘Not that anyone in the chat plays netball. Not voluntarily, anyway.’ Bailey’s ‘sad’ emoji makes me bite my lip — it’s pretty clear she hates netball (and, in all likelihood, all sports) just as much as I hate football and rugby. However, her dislike for sport likely stems from her dyspraxia, and not for the reason I hate boys’ sports.

“Before that, though, we’ve got summer!” Molly cheers to everyone’s approval. “I am SO hoping we can, like, get to an actual beach this year instead of just our back garden.”

“As long as we can all be in the same garden, that’ll be enough for me,” Lily says. “I’ve already got my bikini ready!” I smirk as the girls all cheer and start discussing their own swimwear, before another private message pings on my screen.

‘Farah gave me permission to tell you she’s got her burkini ready rather than her bikini,’ Bailey types with a ‘laughing’ emoji as the Pakistani girl smirks on screen. Before I can reply to the message, though, the screen pings to let us know that the birthday girl has finally joined the call — though, when the screen springs to life, it’s not Bryony on screen, but her sister Ashley instead. My heart momentarily skips a beat at the sight of her — I know that Ashley is transgender, having been told by the other girls (not the least Bryony herself), but it’s almost impossible to tell just by looking at her. She is tall, pretty, has immaculate hair and make-up and looks to be wearing a very pretty dress too — but the serious look on her face suggests that she’s not in a partying mood right now.

“Hey, gir — umm, hey everyone,” Ashley says, clearly correcting herself when she sees me on the call. “Bryony, she — she’s not feeling well right now, so she — she’s not going to be joining the party, I’m afraid.”

“Oh my god, is she okay?” Lily asks with clear and immediate concern for our friend.

“She seemed fine at ballet,” Molly interjects. “She was excited for the party, even if it was just Zoom. What happened?”

“She — umm, she’ll tell you, like, at school tomorrow,” Ashley replies, fidgeting awkwardly.

“Will she be in tomorrow if she’s not well?” Jo asks. “Is Sabrina sick too?”

“Sabrina’s gone home already,” Ashley replies. “And Bryony, she — she should be in, umm, tomorrow. I — I’ll let you girls, umm, I’ll — I’ll let her tell you herself; it’s not really my place to — umm, I — I’ll let her tell you when she can. Thanks. Bye.” Ashley leaves the call as abruptly as she’d joined it, leaving the rest of us confused into silence.

“…Okay, then,” Lily says, clearly unconvinced by Ashley's explanation.

“What — what do you think’s happened?” Daisy asks. “She’s obviously not sick; but wasn’t her sister being really weird?”

“I dunno,” Lily replies with a sigh. “Kinda killed the mood of the party a bit, though.”

“Yeah, I don’t feel much like partying anymore either,” Molly sighs. “God, I really hope she’s okay….”

“Well, we — we’ll find out tomorrow, I guess,” Daisy says. “See you all tomorrow at school?”

“Sure, see you then,” Ari says as she signs out of the call.

“I’ll let you know if I hear anything from Bryony or Sabrina,” Jo says before also backing out of the call. Gradually, the girls leave the call one by one until it’s just me and Bailey left. The bespectacled girl smiles and holds up a sign to her camera that says ‘text?’ waiting until I nod before dropping off the call herself. Predictably, a text comes through to my phone mere moments later.

‘I really hope Bryony’s okay,’ Bailey types. ‘I went to her 13th birthday party 2 years ago, and it was fun, even if her sisters were a bit too energetic lol.’

‘You got to meet Ashley?’ I ask. ‘What’s she like?’ I grimace immediately as I send the text — it’s going to raise some questions about why I’m so bothered about what Bryony’s trans sister is like.

‘She’s cool,’ Bailey replies. ‘She was on our table in her last year of school as all of her friends were the year above and she had problems with bullies in her year.’ THAT doesn’t sound promising, I think to myself as I remember how kids at my old school reacted when they thought someone was gay. Though it could've been much, much worse....

“Liam!” Melanie shouted from her bedroom. “Come here!” Even when I was seven, I’d already learned better than to argue and meekly trudged from my bedroom to Sonia’s, where both of my sisters were sat on the bed, playing with their phones. Secretly, though, I was already looking forward to what ‘costume’ I was going to wear — though on that particular evening, they had other things in mind.

“Hey Liam!” Sonia said in her usual mocking tone, before showing me a photo of a young man on her phone. “What do you think of him?”

“I don’t know,” I replied with an innocent shrug. “Who is he?”

“Never mind who he is; do you like him?” Sonia asked.

“How do I know if I like him if I don’t know who he is?” I asked.

“But do you LIKE him?” Melanie asked.

“Maybe, I guess?” I replied, triggering a giggling fit in my sisters.

“Are you gay?” Sonia asked, barely suppressing her laughter.

“What does that mean?” I asked innocently.

“He doesn’t know what gay means!” Melanie said to Sonia, her giggles increasing as I grew more and more agitated.

“Gay means ‘happy,’ ” Sonia said, knowing full well that she wasn’t telling me the whole truth. “So, are you gay?”

“Not right now, I’m not,” I mumbled.

“Have you been gay before?” Melanie asked.

“I suppose,” I replied with a shrug as my sisters almost wet themselves laughing.

“Say it!” Melanie urged. “Go on, say that you’ve been gay before!”

“…I’ve been gay before,” I replied, not even noticing that Sonia was filming me with her phone.

Naturally, that video got replayed over and over again for the next few months — including in front of our parents, much to my embarrassment and their anger. Even after they made my sisters delete the video, I would be reminded of it over and over again; Sonia and especially Melanie seemingly never growing tired of it.

‘I don’t get why people think that being LGBT is something to laugh at,’ I type, smiling as Bailey replies with a ‘nodding’ emoji.

‘It’s silly,’ Bailey types. ‘And Ashley isn’t any less of a girl than I am; I knew that within an hour of first meeting her. If anything, she’s even more of a girl as she likes ballet, fashion, and she was a cheerleader too.’

‘I don’t see how not liking that makes you any less of a girl,’ I type, smiling as Bailey replies with a ‘grateful’ emoji. ‘Or how Ashley being born male makes her any less of a girl.’

‘Exactly,’ Bailey types. ‘Ashley wasn’t hurting anyone by wearing a skirt to school instead of trousers. Even if she wore trousers but still declared herself to be a girl, who would it have hurt? Even her younger sisters accepted her as a girl.’ If only older sisters were so easily convinced, I think to myself. ‘Bryony, in particular, was very supportive; I think they still share a bedroom.’

‘I hope she’s okay,’ I type as I head back through to the living room, where I discover that my own sister has returned and has earphones in, only looking up as I approach.

“Hi Liam!” Sonia says, pausing whatever she was listening to on her phone. “Did you have a good meeting with your counsellor?”

“Um, sure, it was okay,” I reply with a shrug as I sit down on the sofa opposite my sister and turn my attention back to my conversation with Bailey.

“…Well, that was a fun conversation,” Sonia says with a sigh.

“I don’t want to interrupt your video,” I mumble meekly.

“I can pause a video,” Sonia retorts. “Not so easy to pause our lives, is it?” I dunno, you always seemed to have no problem pausing my life when it suited you when I was younger....

“I’m talking to a friend from school,” I retort.

“Who you’ll see tomorrow at school,” Sonia says. “I want us to talk NOW.” Never mind the fact that the person I’m texting is barely able to speak out loud, I think to myself as I type a quick ‘brb’ to Bailey and lay my phone down at my side.

“What do you want to talk about?” I ask.

“You,” Sonia replies. “I mean, I’m glad you’ve made friends down here, but I am still worried, you know? Especially with the anniversary coming up soon.”

“…Yeah,” I whisper. “But Darren’s really helping me, honestly. And my friends — my friends are great. I feel like I can tell them anything.” Well, almost anything, I think to myself.

“I’d like you to feel that way about me, too,” Sonia says. And if I can’t tell my friends, I certainly can’t tell you, I think to myself as I bite my lip. “But I suppose I get it; there’s a massive age gap between fourteen and twenty-six. It doesn’t mean we should never talk, though.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I say. “And I suppose I’m okay, really.”

“…Well, I suppose that’s some progress, at least,” Sonia sighs as she puts her earphones back in. “But don’t feel like you can’t talk to me if you need to. You won’t be bothering me if you come to me with a problem, really. And it would be nice to meet your girlfriend one of these days. When you figure out who she is, anyway!” And THERE it is, I think to myself with a sigh as I turn back to my phone.

‘Back, sorry about that,’ I type. ‘Sister wanted to talk to me.’

‘You don’t need to tell me about annoying older sisters,’ Bailey replies with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘Is Tia being a pain?’ I reply, earning a ‘laughing’ emoji from my friend.

‘Now that Covid rules are being relaxed, she’s around a lot more,’ Bailey explains. ‘Usually to tell us all about her day and not let us get a word in edgeways, even if I could.’

‘Anything interesting?’ I ask.

‘Put it this way — I’d rather listen to 10 straight hours of Lily and Molly talk about ballet and boys than one minute of Tia talking about herself,’ Bailey replies, to which I reply with a ‘laughing’ emoji.

‘That bad?’ I ask.

‘She seems to think that because she’s talking about things that are “popular,” they’re also interesting,’ Bailey types, making me smirk. ‘I don’t think she’s a narcissist, she just genuinely believes that and doesn’t understand why I’d rather read poetry than listen to her talk about all of her trivial stuff.’

‘Maybe you can tell her about Bryony’s party next time she drops round?’ I suggest with a ‘winking’ emoji.

‘Only if Bryony’s okay,’ Bailey replies, making me feel guilty about how quickly I forgot about my friend's 'illness.'

‘Sorry,’ I type with a ‘sad’ emoji.

‘It’s okay,’ Bailey types with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘Maybe I’m being too worried about her.’

‘That just means that you’re a great friend,’ I retort. ‘God knows if it was a boy who ended their party like this the other boys would probably already be hurling abuse at them over messenger in the name of “fun.’’ ’ I bite my lip as Bailey replies with an ‘angry’ emoji, though her subsequent message lets me know that I’m not the one the emoji was directed at.

‘I’ll never get why boys are like that,’ Bailey types. ‘Why they think that being sensitive means that a person should be bullied. Or even worse, why they think that being insensitive impresses girls, as it’ll never impress me.’

‘I agree with you 100%,’ I type.

‘I hoped you would,’ Bailey types with a ‘smiling’ emoji. ‘No offence intended, but sometimes I think you’d make a better girl than you would a boy.’ Needless to say, my heart melts as I read these words — Bailey doesn’t know about ‘Lisa,’ she can’t know, but hearing that maybe, just maybe, she’d accept ‘Lisa’ makes me think, for the first time in a long time, that good things might just be around the corner.

‘Why would I take offence?’ I type. ‘You know I think girls are great.’ The ‘smiling’ emoji I get from Bailey tells me all I need to know. Well, almost all — despite her words, there’s no guarantee that she’d accept ‘Lisa’ as a friend just as easily as she accepted ‘Liam.’

However, as I go to bed later that night, I allow myself to feel optimistic for the first time in a long while — though I am, of course, still worried about my friend. Her 'illness' came on far too suddenly, even if it was Covid she'd have been showing symptoms at her ballet class. Something clearly happened at the party and, whatever it was, I just hope it doesn't end up splitting our group apart....

The worry remains as I wake up the following morning and go about my usual morning rituals, finishing by saying goodbye to my sister as she logs on to her home work terminal. When I arrive at school I am, as always, greeted by my friends — though it’s clear that they’re just as worried as I am.

“Hi Liam,” Daisy says in a much less exuberant voice than normal.

“Hey everyone,” I say in an equally subdued voice. “Has- have you seen Bryony yet?”

“N- n- not y- yet,” Bailey replies. “I- I- I s- saw S- S-“

“Sabrina,” Daisy interrupts, much to Bailey’s relief, “but she didn’t stop to say ‘hi.’ ”

“Which is really unusual for her,” Farah adds as something suddenly occurs to me.

“You don’t — you don’t suppose they had a fight, did they?” I ask quietly. “Bryony and Sabrina, I mean.”

“Typical BOY, thinking that!” Daisy admonishes me as I blush. So much for Bailey’s words last night….

“They adore each other, anyway,” Farah says. “Hard to imagine anything coming between them. Even — no, especially not a BOY.”

“Th- there w- w- wasn’t any b- b- boys a- at th- the p- p- p- party anyw – way,” Bailey says.

“So what do you suppose happened?” Daisy asks exasperatedly. “I don’t like having our group, you know, broken up like this.”

“Well, whatever’s happened, we shouldn’t confront Bryony about it,” I say. “We should let her come to us in her own time.” I bite my lip as my friends all look at me with confused looks on their faces, which slowly transform into knowing smiles. “…What?”

“You were right, Bailey,” Daisy giggles. “He really would make a better g- a better boy than all the other idiots in this school!” I try not to blush and frown at my friend’s compliment — assuming they intended it as such, which is a safe assumption knowing both girls. And while I’m annoyed at Bailey sharing what she said last night with Daisy, I can understand it — she is her best friend, after all. However, even this knowledge doesn’t stop me from bristling at Daisy’s laughs — after fourteen years of being laughed at by two girls, I don't think I'll ever be able to see it as a good thing, no matter how much these particular girls see me as 'one of them.'

“T- t- t- told you,” Bailey says with an uncharacteristically smug smirk.

“We should probably get to form,” Farah sighs as the corridors start to clear. “See you at the table at break?”

“Of course,” I reply, trying not to blush as I get approving smiles from Bailey and Daisy, though I can’t help but notice my bespectacled friend blush herself as we take our seats for form.

“I- I- I-‘m s- s- sorry f- f- f-or t- t- t-” Bailey whispers, noticeably straining even more than usual with every syllable she says.

“It- it’s okay,” I interrupt. “Daisy’s my friend too; I don’t mind you telling her, and like I said, I don’t see it as an insult. You and Daisy clearly mean it as a compliment, so — yeah.”

“Th- thanks,” Bailey whispers, sharing a smile with me behind her mask as our form tutor arrives to start our lesson.

The first two lessons of the day seem to drag as I find my anxiety about my friend growing, but also my anxiety about myself. When Bailey said last night that she thought I made a better girl than a boy, I’d assumed that it was just a joke, a one-liner said once and then forgotten. But if she talked it over with Daisy, then obviously she's put a lot more thought into it. And given that she knows Bryony’s sister and probably Lily’s sister as well, it wouldn’t be too great a ‘leap’ for her to see me as not just an honorary girl, but a girl full stop. It’s all but guaranteed that she’d accept me as a girl, too, and even though some of the other girls may take a bit more persuading — particularly Lily, who clearly still has a thing for me — life as ‘Lisa’ seems closer than it ever has before.

And then, at break, just as always seems to happen, everything gets turned upside down again.

“Hey everyone,” I say, sitting down in my usual spot between Lily and Bailey, but before anyone can say anything, we’re distracted by first Sabrina, then Bryony walking past our table — both blushing with shame as they glance furtively at us.

“B- Bryony?” Lily asks with clear concern for her — our — friend. “Wh- what’s up? Are you okay?”

“Please — please leave me alone,” the tall blonde girl says, obviously on the verge of tears.

“Please, can — can we help?” Lily asks. “If something’s wrong, please let us help; we don’t want to see you like this…”

“Like — like what?” Bryony asks, seeming almost angry at what Lily was saying — or rather, implying. “Is there something meant to be wrong with how I am? With who I am?”

“B- Bryony?” Lily asks, almost in tears herself at the older girl’s uncharacteristic aggression.

“Okay, if you must know,” Bryony says, looking like she’s almost throwing up with nerves, “the reason last night’s party got called off is because I kissed Sabrina.” Needless to say, this causes many of our jaws to drop, and Bryony’s further revelation just makes our jaws drop even further. “And the reason I kissed my best friend is because I’m gay. I’m gay, gay, SO gay, gay. I’m homosexual, a lesbian, sapphic; you name it, I am G-A-Y, GAY. Are you happy now?” A long pause falls over the table as we try to process what we’re being told — a pause that’s broken by the most unlikely person.

“A- a- a- are you?” Bailey asks softly, instantly shattering the blonde girl’s defences and causing the colour to drain from her face.

“…A bit?” Bryony replies in a much meeker, more timid voice than before, shuddering and looking almost like she’s going to faint before being supported by Bailey and Farah, then directed to sit between myself and Lily.

However, despite everyone’s outward support for our friend, I can’t help but notice a change in their demeanour — especially Lily and Molly, the two most ‘overtly straight’ girls in our group. Both of them are looking at Bryony like she’s a total stranger, and not the friend they’ve known and loved for three years. As Bryony explains her story — including how she’s known for years that she only liked girls, how she finds boys repellent and how she’d always liked Sabrina more than just as a friend — I find myself empathising more and more with what she’s saying. She’d tried so hard to hide who she truly was that in the end it was tearing her apart… but when she finally came out, it tore apart her oldest and most treasured friendship. And the fact that Sabrina keeps her distance for the rest of the week, including Bryony’s postponed Zoom party the following Saturday, is proof that sometimes, the price of living freely is high — maybe even TOO high. After all, there’s no guarantee that any of my friends would accept ‘Lisa’ for who she is.

However, the week’s events make it a safe bet that Bryony would be just as strong an ally to me as I intend to be for her. And god knows that if 'Lisa' were to ever make 'her' debut, I'd need them….