“No.” Natalie stated firmly.

“No?” The woman asked. “Why not?”

Natalie forced out a laugh. “Why not?” She repeated mockingly. “Because no program will ever help me get over the fact that my entire life was a lie that didn’t happen.”

“I know this can all be very hard to accept.” The woman said back. “But what you said is hardly the full picture-”

“Oh.” Natalie interrupted. “And also my fiancé was a lunatic who changed reality itself just so he could get a girlfriend. When he proposed to me, and I said yes, did that not even happen? Was it just a memory he implanted in my head to get me to love him? Did any of my memories happen?”

“You’re not alone. Many other people have been in your position. It’s okay to be unsure.”

“Unsure!?” Natalie stood up and yelled. “I’m just unsure!? I don’t even know who the hell I am!”

“Please try to calm down.”

“I want to go back home! Right now!”

“Please, if you can’t calm down, we might need to cast a spell to-”

“GET ME OUT OF HERE! NOW!”

The woman did not know what to say next. She was quite a bit taken aback by Natalie’s sudden change in demeanor. Just a few minutes ago she was staring at the ground, barely moving at all, and now she was screaming at the top of her lungs. In all fairness, she wasn’t that experienced with identity death victims, so maybe this wasn’t really that surprising.

“Get me out.” Natalie repeated, softly.

“Okay.” The woman said to her. “Let’s go.”

***

The empty, seemingly endless white void was a plague on Natalie’s senses. After two weeks of walking back and forth from building to building in the vacant space, she felt like she was going to go mad.

She wondered, what the hell was she even walking on? There was no visible floor under her, just more white. Was there more under the floor? Did the area under the floor even exist? Just how far did this void go?

She was at least sure of one thing: she never wanted to see the color white again.

During her walk, Natalie learned that the woman she was following was named Sara. She seemed to be a nice woman, all things considered, but Natalie was just not in the mood for conversations. And it took a few failed attempts to start one for Sara to finally realize that.

Sara opened the front door to the hotel that Natalie had been staying in for the duration of the trial. Every day for the last two weeks, she had woken up in her bed, eaten breakfast, then walked down to the courthouse for most of the day. It was very tiring and tedious, and she was glad to finally be going home.

Sara and Natalie approached the woman at the front desk.

“Natalie will be leaving today.” Sara said. “But she may be coming back soon.”

Natalie groaned while Sara gave her a sympathetic look.

The woman at the front desk wrote something down on what looked like some kind of booklet, then happily said “alright, you’re all set, have a great day”.

With that, Natalie and Sara went to the elevator and hit the button to the fourteenth floor. Silence hung in the air as the elevator went up, a silence that was soon broken as they reached their destination.

“Hey…” Sara said hesitantly. “I know you said you didn’t want to enter the program, but I really think it’s what’s best for you. A lot of people in your position have been helped by it.”

Natalie didn’t say anything in response.

“Look… I’m not going to force you to do something you don’t want to. If you don’t want to go, then you don’t have to. But, if you ever feel like changing your mind, then just send us a message.”

Natalie, again, said nothing.

Natalie continued to say nothing as the elevator door opened and she walked with Sara down the hotel hallways. The walk was short, but it felt like it went on for hours. It probably had something to do with how the hallways themselves were long and maze-like. Some days she even had trouble finding her room. Natalie seriously wondered why the hotel was built this way.

Eventually, when Natalie finally did get to her room, she collapsed onto her bed in exhaustion.

“I know you’re probably not thinking of this right now.” Sara said at the door. “But you won’t have to worry about Astian. He won’t wake up in your apartment. We have some level of control over your reality and will create an explanation for his absence.”

“Can you just leave already?”

Sara gave a silent nod before exiting the room, shutting the door on her way out.

Natalie groaned into her pillow. It had been a long two weeks, but at last, it seemed it would soon be over.

So much had happened in these past two weeks that Natalie couldn’t even process it all. When she had first woken up in this world, she had been in this hotel room, and she freaked the hell out. How else could you possibly react after waking up in a different place? But people soon came and were able to calm her down.

Not like she could remain calm for long though, because soon afterward she was hit with bombshell after bombshell. First, that magic was real. Second, that she was in a new world composed entirely of plain white. Third, that her fiancé was a lunatic criminal that used magic to change reality.

And fourth, that she wasn’t Natalie Parker.

No, she was actually supposed to be a man named Nathan Parker, and Astian changed reality to make her his girlfriend. Her entire life, all her memories, were not real. To be fair, that’s not how the people here explained it, but that’s how Natalie heard it.

How could one possibly cope knowing they lived an entirely different life they didn’t know about? Natalie had known her whole life that she had been a woman named Natalie Parker. But that was wrong? What could she possibly make of that?

And this program, the one that Sara had offered her after the trial ended, these people seemed to really want her to go to it. They said it would really help her, but Natalie had her doubts. She had been to a mental health programs like that before (or maybe those memories were fake), and she found them boring. Plus, how could any program help her cope with the fact that her life was a lie?

Those thoughts mulled over in Natalie’s head as she fell closer and closer to sleep.

At least sleeping wasn’t impossible in this world. There was a day and night cycle, well… kind of. Every eleven hours there would be a transition where the world would change from a white void to a black void, or vice versa. The whole process would take one hour. All together, a single full cycle would take twenty-four hours to complete, just like a full day on Earth.

Natalie sighed. She could only hope that what these people said to her was the truth. That sleeping in this bed after the end of the trial would take her back to her apartment, and just a day after she last slept in there. She couldn’t imagine what she’d have to do if she was out for two whole weeks on Earth too.

Slowly but surely, Natalie started to doze off, her eyes beginning to close.

But just before she fell asleep, she swore she saw a man in her room, looking out the window.

Natalie put her hand above her head to block the sunlight coming through the apartment window.

“Ugh.” She groaned. “I feel like I’ve been asleep for weeks.”

She rolled over and noticed that Astian was not in bed with her. That was weird, she thought. It was Sunday, he should be sleeping in. Maybe he was already up making breakfast.

It was then that Natalie heard the notification bell on her phone. She reached over to her night stand to pick it up, fully expecting some stupid, irrelevant news story.

Well, she was half-right. She did get a news story.

But it was one that nearly made her drop her phone.

“24 year old man, Astian Dover, in police chase after robbing a bank. Police have lost him and now no one knows where he is.”

“No.” Natalie thought. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no.”

This… this had to be a joke. It couldn’t be real. It couldn’t possibly be real.

“You won’t have to worry about Astian. He won’t wake up in your apartment. We have some level of control over your reality and will create an explanation for his absence.”

Oh god.

Natalie quickly scrolled down the article, and saw that it had a bunch of comments. Other people had seen this. It wasn’t just something that popped up on her phone.

Natalie had to stop herself from panicking. She forced herself to take deep breaths for about a minute straight.

Everything was fine. All that stuff about magic, and a trial, and memories changing, and Astian going to jail, and her… being a man. That was all a dream. It wasn’t real. There had to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.

Natalie slowly got out of bed and looked all around her apartment. It wasn’t very big, so it didn’t take her long. She found… nothing. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Aside from Astian not being there, of course.

Natalie began to panic again, but forced herself to calm down as she went to her phone to look at her Life360 app. Maybe Astian was just at the store or something.

It didn’t take long for her to realize Astian wasn’t anywhere in the town, or the country for that matter. In fact, he wasn’t on the map at all.

No matter which way she looked at it, Astian was gone.

Natalie took a seat down on one of the couches, and felt her eyes begin to water. Astian, the love of her life was missing. Gone, in a place where no one, not even the police could find him.

Would she ever see him again?

Natalie closed her eyes and imagined Astian’s arms around her, his mouth giving her neck a kiss. She could almost feel his hot breath on her skin.

She wanted to keep her eyes closed forever. To continue imagining Astian was right there with her, comforting her and telling her everything was going to be alright. To pretend that everything was just as it was before, and that they were going to be married next year.

Unfortunately, illusions can never last forever.

Natalie opened her eyes to see that she was still alone, in the room, in the apartment, and possibly in her life. She huddled her knees up to her chest.

Astian was such a good man. He was nice, charming, and loving. He would never commit a crime. That wasn’t him. It couldn’t be him.

But it was.

Why would he rob a bank? It’s not like they had any money problems. They could always afford their basic needs. And they were already gathering and distributing money for the wedding. They weren’t really struggling with the budget that much. How could he do this? Desert her and run off to get lost in the middle of wherever?

Natalie’s sadness began to turn to anger. He had left her. He didn’t even say goodbye. He just left and went on to commit a crime for no reason. That. Fucking. Asshole.

She was wrong about him. He wasn’t nice at all, he was a terrible, terrible man. And she hated him. She hated him so much. If she ever saw his face again she swore she would blow it off with a revolver.

But… maybe it was possible that he didn’t actually desert her.

When Natalie had her eyes closed, trying to imagine Astian being with her, there was another image she saw in her mind. One that she tried her hardest to ignore.

It was a very faint image of herself as a man.

“Nathan Parker.”

No, that was just ridiculous. She wasn’t about to believe all that nonsense about a magic trial and being a man. It was all a dream, right? Right?

Well, if it was a dream then she was remembering it oddly well. Hell, it sure felt like she hadn’t been in this apartment for two weeks, despite her falling asleep in bed with Astian just last night.

Oh, that’s right… Astian. The man who the trial was about. The man who got sentenced to twenty-five years in ‘magic prison’ for ‘magic abuse’.

She wasn’t really entertaining this idea, right? That magic was real and Astian really did use magic to transform her into a woman, make her his girlfriend and eventual wife. Change her memories and even reality to make this true. That was just nonsense. None of it was real. None. Of. It.

And she could prove it wasn’t real too.

Natalie went to one of the cabinets and took out an old photo album she brought once she moved out of her house. When she opened it, she was greeted with all kinds of photos from all throughout her life, from her birth to the present day.

She flipped through the pages and skimmed through all the photos. Internally she felt assured that “Nathan” never existed and she was just imagining all that stuff about a trial. If “Nathan” had been real, then these photos would be different and not feature herself as a woman.

It made sense. Nathan wasn’t real.

Of course, if a spell was powerful enough to change reality, it probably would change the past as well, and that would include things like birth certificates, driver’s licenses, IDs…

And photos…

So… this didn’t prove Nathan wasn’t real at all. Hell, there was nothing she could do to prove Nathan wasn’t real. All she had was a dream that still hadn’t faded from her mind, even this long after waking up.

In her mind, she could still easily recall what the courtroom looked like, and what the hotel room looked like.

And she could still recall Astian panicking as he was dragged out of the courtroom and into prison.

Oh god, it was all real, wasn’t it?

She didn’t know what came across her at that moment, but something told her that it was all real. Magic, the trial, the charges, Astian going to prison…

Nathan…

He was real. And if Nathan was real, then was she… not real?

If it truly was the case that Astian had changed reality to make Natalie who she is now, then could she trust that all of her life experiences and memories actually happened? Could she trust that the friends she had now, the connections she had now, the relationships she had now, weren’t just artificially created by some magic spell?

Natalie frantically returned to her photo album and looked through her pictures again. Each one put a memory in her head. A memory that for all she knew, could’ve been fake. Her mental state of panic grew until she reached the photo of Astian proposing to her.

Once she laid her eyes on that photo, it was like everything in the world came to a sudden halt.

Astian proposing to her was a very pleasant memory. It only ‘was’ a pleasant memory because it no longer ‘is’ a pleasant memory.

This man destroyed her entire fucking life.

He made her his girlfriend, and his fiance, out of nothing but selfishness, and caused her great mental anguish. Made her think she was going insane. And this guy was supposed to be Nathan’s best friend? He essentially killed him to make him his girlfriend!

Natalie’s entire being was filled with extreme hatred for this man and when she couldn’t take it anymore she tore the photo up and left pieces of it on the ground. Pretty soon, tears came to her eyes.

“I’m not real.” She said.

She held a pillow to her face, but it failed to contain her sobs.

The rest of the day was very quiet. Natalie got numerous texts from her parents and friends saying they heard about what happened with Astian and were wondering if she was okay. She didn’t answer any of them. She didn’t even make herself lunch or dinner. She just went to her room and laid in her bed all day, not wanting to think about anything.

Eventually, Natalie’s eyelids began to grow heavy, and just before she closed her eyes for the last time that day, she got déjà vu as she saw a man looking out the window.

Nathan collapsed onto his bed in exhaustion after unpacking the last of his belongings.

“I fucking hate moving.” He said aloud.

Astian laughed from outside the doorway. “Well at least you’re all set here. Unless I’m so bad you want to move out.”

“Man, I’ve got no god damned money right now. You know I can’t do that.” Nathan replied, a bit annoyed.

“Right, right, I’m sorry.” Astian said. “I know you’ve had a pretty rough time these past few weeks.”

“Yeah, I could barely afford my old apartment. My job was shit and my boss was an asshole. It was horrible.” Nathan responded. “And then they fire me for ‘poor job performance’. They didn’t even tell me about this performance they thought was unsatisfactory. That was the first time they brought it up. What a fucking joke.”

“Well at least that’s all over now.”

“I sure hope so.” Nathan said as he rubbed his face. “I’m real sorry for being a burden. I’ll try to get a job first thing tomorrow. I’ll even let you kick my ass if I don’t.”

“Now, now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Astian said. “It’s really no problem for you to live here. I’m fine with it. And honestly? If you ask me, I’d try going back to college before getting a job.”

“How the hell do you expect me to pay for that?” Nathan asked. “My parents cut me off. I’m basically broke. Who’s gonna pay for it? You? You don’t have that kind of money.”

“I can get the money.”

“How? By winning the lottery?”

“Listen, Nathan.” Astian said firmly. “I know how to get the money. I can pay for your college.”

“I mean… even if you could I don’t think I’d want you putting so much into helping me. Don’t you think people ought to live with their fuck ups?”

“That’s a bunch of BS. We’re friends. We help each other. I hate seeing you like this.”

Nathan huffed. “You don’t have to make me feel good. You can be honest.”

“I am being honest. I think you have potential. You just need a little push. I know you said you thought you wasted your college years, and I think this is the time for you to start anew. A fresh start to your new life.”

“You really think I should go back to college?” Nathan asked. “It’s the middle of June. You can’t register right now. I’d have to wait until next year to start.”

“Listen to me, I can get you registered now pretty quickly. It might take some work, but we can do it. You can take classes this fall. After we get you registered then you can get a summer job, if you want.”

“You don’t know how college registrations work.”

“You don’t know how I work.”

Nathan let out a breath and stared at the ceiling for a bit, contemplating his options.

“Okay, fine.” He said eventually. “I’ll think about going back to college.”

“Great, I’m glad. This is a good step for you.”

“It’s just…” Nathan paused. “I just don’t have the motivation sometimes. I look at what I’ve done these past few years and it’s been a bunch of failures. I feel like I’ve already wasted my own life.”

Astian stared deeply into Nathan for a few long seconds.

“I’ll help you get your life back in order, I promise.”

***

After a pretty average dinner, Nathan poured himself a glass of vodka and downed it quickly. He was about to pour himself another glass when Astian took the bottle from him.

“Alright, from now on, we’re limiting you to one drink per day.” Astian said to him.

Nathan gave out a dry laugh. “What are you? My mother?”

“Nathan, if you want to get your life back together, the first thing you need to do is fix your alcohol addiction.”

“I don’t just drink for the hell of it, I drink because I’m stressed.”

“Then find a better coping method. Exercise, read, watch a TV show or really do anything other than excessive drinking.”

“Fine.”

Astian checked the kitchen clock. “Okay, I’m gonna head to bed now. I know you might come out here at night and drink again, but I really implore you to take the steps to end this habit. It’ll be good for you.”

“Okay.”

Astian nodded then left the kitchen to go to his bedroom, closing and locking his door.

Nathan opened the refrigerator and was greeted with that same bottle of vodka. He really wanted to have another drink, but his mind forced him to stop himself.

“Just one more drink”, his mind said. That made sense, except for the fact that “one more drink” would soon turn into two more drinks, and then three more drinks. It was a never ending spiral that shouldn’t be given any fire.

So Nathan slowly closed the refrigerator door and walked to his room. He shut the door and turned on the light, taking in the place.

There wasn’t much to see. It was very bland, not personalized in the slightest. To be fair, his bedroom at his old apartment was bland too. Nathan was never someone who was interested in decoration.

Nathan took a few steps and gazed out the window. There was no moon and everything outside was pitch black. In spite of this, he still found it all comforting to look at. It was a feeling that he didn’t want to bother trying to understand.

Astian was a great friend. Nathan really couldn’t thank him enough. Supporting him through all the bad decisions he made in life and still being there to help him. There was nothing he could do to pay him back, something he felt obligated to do. It’d be useless to try, anyway.

Nathan worried if he and Astian could really be trusted in the same apartment, but he assured himself that they’ve been best friends for years, and there shouldn’t be any problems with them living together.

Nathan turned off the light in his room and hopped into bed, ready to sleep after a long day of unpacking. As he fell asleep, he had a good feeling that tomorrow might finally be the day his life makes a change for the better.

***

Nathan stared into the mirror, confused and horrified.

There was something very wrong going on, he was sure of it. His reflection was not what it was supposed to be. He needed to call for help or get away from whatever was causing this, fast.

“You’re just imagining things.” Something in his head told him. “Nothing is wrong, you’ve always been like this.”

Had he? It was hard to tell with how conflicted and confused his mind was right now. It felt as if foreign thoughts he would never usually have kept forcing their way inside, and he was powerless to stop it.

“Everything is fine.” He was told once more. “Nothing is happening to you.”

Nathan took a relaxed breath as he immediately calmed down. Yeah, that sounded right, he thought. He was getting all worked up over nothing. What was he even upset about in the first place? He couldn’t remember.

No, no, NO! Something was definitely wrong! Was he blind to what was going on right before his eyes? He needed to do something, right now!

Every time he realized that something was wrong, his mind kept pulling him back. Always telling him that he was mistaken, and that there was nothing to be afraid of. Always making him forget what it was he finally realized. It needed to stop. This couldn’t keep happening.

Nathan stood in the darkness, unable to make sense of any of the confusion plaguing his mind. Suddenly, he heard the sound of a door opening. He turned his head toward the noise and saw a dark figure making slow, ominous footsteps toward him…

***

Natalie awoke disorientated and unnerved. She quickly sprang up in her bed and clutched her chest, breathing heavily and feeling her heart pounding incessantly.

What the hell had she just dreamed?

Her mind was working in overdrive, trying to make sense of what had just happened. In this dream of hers she just had, she was a man…

Nathan Parker…

She… he was living with Astian, his best friend, not boyfriend, in this same apartment. He was having trouble getting his life in order, and had a drinking problem. Astian said he was going to help him.

It was bizarre, far too bizarre to be believable. The dream was very clear in her mind, as if it were something that actually happened, that she actually experienced.

Wait…

Natalie noticed that something had shifted in her memories.

She… she HAD experienced that! She remembered it very clearly!

She couldn’t recall any other event as a part of that life, but she could recall that specific memory, the day she moved into Astian’s apartment because she couldn’t afford her own. Nothing before, nothing after.

It wasn’t even just the memory itself she remembered, but the sensation and feeling of being a man. She could almost recall what it was like to be in a man’s body, and to have a… penis.

She recoiled at her own train of thought there. She didn’t want to know what male genitals felt like. Hell, she didn’t want to know anything about her supposed past male life, because it only reminded her that her current life was fake, a mirage put in place by someone she thought was her friend and lover.

Natalie got out of bed silently, without a groan or a whimper. It was Monday, and Monday meant work. She didn’t care, in fact she almost welcomed it. Maybe it could ease her mind off the fact that her life was not real. She almost laughed at that. As if.

Another slow, boring day at work. The corporate drone in the meeting Natalie just left had been going on for hours about a bunch of stuff she didn’t remotely care for. What was the meeting even about anyway? It had just ended and already she couldn’t recall.

At least her lunch break had arrived so she could openly drown in her sorrows in the worker’s lounge. She hadn’t actually brought a lunch, eating would require a level of effort and commitment that she, at the moment, wasn’t able to uphold. She hadn’t eaten breakfast either, she simply couldn’t eat at all.

To say she was having an identity crisis would be an understatement.

She took a seat in the lounge and leaned to the side, doing nothing but stare ahead with unfocused eyes.

***

Natalie lost track of the time. Hell, she lost track of everything. Her mind was just completely unable to do even the barest amount of effort. And really, why bother? Doing mental work meant being reminded of who and what she was, as well as who and what she wasn’t.

She continued to sit idle in her chair, not responding to anything for what felt like hours. Her lunch break was only thirty minutes long, and usually that stretch of time passed very quickly. But not today. Today, her break felt excruciatingly long, and she didn’t care when it’d be over.

It came to her attention that someone was calling her name. She turned toward the sound and saw Ashley, a close friend of hers.

“I almost thought you passed out. I was really worried.”

Natalie stared into her face. “Ashley”, she thought. That name taunted her entire being. Of course it had to be a feminine version of HIS name. But that wasn’t her fault. Natalie couldn’t get mad at that.

No, what she could get mad at was the fact that this woman may not have even known who she was a few months earlier, despite the fact that they supposedly met in this workplace two years ago. The evidence was clear, “Nathan” had no real friends outside of the psychopath, so Natalie’s friendship with Ashley and everything they shared together was totally and completely artificial, only brought into existence through a magic spell.

Did Ashley even exist before “Natalie”? Probably, in the trial that apparently really happened it was stated that creating a whole new person from scratch was way outside the capabilities of anyone on Earth. So at least Ashley herself was real, even if their friendship wasn’t.

“Some meeting today, huh?” Ashley said, trying to lighten Natalie’s depressed mood. “I thought that guy would never shut up.”

Natalie didn’t even attempt to respond. Until now, none of her coworkers had talked to her at all that day. They did, however, have looks of sympathy on their faces whenever seeing her. Clearly they had heard about Astian going missing, and didn’t know what to say to console her. They all probably assumed that was the reason why she was so distant and quiet, and Natalie was at the point where she wished that was actually the case, that Astian going missing was the only reason she was feeling down.

Ashley’s expression turned nervous.

“Hey… I know you’ve been through a lot recently, and… I just want to make sure you’re okay. Maybe we could go out to eat sometime this week. Maybe spend the weekend together. Would you be okay with that?”

It almost sounded like she was asking her out on a date. Regardless, Natalie continued to say nothing, but she did nod her head.

“Thanks.” Ashley replied, smiling.

Ashley tried to converse with her for at least another few minutes, but it was a losing effort. Natalie only gave one word answers and quiet grunts in place of actual responses. She wasn't in the mood for talking, to say the least.

Eventually, a timer started sounding off, and Ashley got out her phone.

“Looks like my break is over.” She said. “Gonna have to leave now. Stay safe tonight, okay?”

Ashley left before Natalie could even question what she meant by that.

***

The second her shift ended, Natalie exited her work building, never once stopping to chat with any of her coworkers. She went outside, got to her car, and immediately began the drive home.

After walking up the seemingly endless flight of stairs to her apartment, she went to her room and collapsed onto her bed. What little energy she had during the workday was all but depleted now. She just wanted some sleep, and to not have to think about her sorry, sorry life.

She turned to her side in the bed and almost forgot about the man she always saw right before falling asleep. Well, he was still there, and he was still looking out that damned window.

***

It may have not been the most productive day ever, considering he was still unemployed, but regardless Nathan was feeling unusually good that night. Throughout the day he had applied to numerous jobs, and he was eagerly waiting for anyone to call back.

He was about to go to the refrigerator for a drink, but he soon stopped himself, not seeing the point. It wasn’t a special occasion of any sort, and there was no social gathering at the moment, so why did he need to drink? It was funny, yesterday it took some internal debate for him to not have a second drink, only eventually deciding not to out of an ambivalent commitment to the newly imposed “one drink per day” rule placed upon him. Today, he had no desire at all to have even a first drink. He guessed the thrill of productivity was enough to sustain his mind.

He saw Astian enter the dining room and take a seat on one of the chairs, doing something on his phone.

“Hey.” Nathan said to him. “You said something about me applying to college, and I think tomorrow I’d like to do that. You’re, uh, gonna need to show me whatever your insane method for getting a late application accepted is, though.”

“Huh?” Astian’s head perked up. “Oh… umm… don’t worry about that.”

“Why? You were the one who told me I should go back to college.”

“Yeah, uh…” Astian rubbed the bridge of his nose. “That won’t be needed anymore.”

“Then why’d you tell me to go back to college in the first place? I can’t just apply right now alone.”

Astian turned back to his phone. “I said don’t worry about it. Just keep doing what you’re doing and everything will be fine.”

Not wanting to press on, Nathan simply replied “okay”.

***

Nathan shaved the last of his facial hair off his chin. He took a towel and thoroughly rubbed his face, looking in the bathroom mirror for the result.

He squinted his eyes in confusion.

There was no hair left, not even a trace or a shadow. Just entirely smooth skin stretching across his whole face.

He felt his chin with his hand. He hadn’t had a face this smooth since he was about thirteen. This was the kind of face you’d get from laser hair removal or electrolysis. How could it be possible to perform such a thorough shave by yourself?

Confused, Nathan left the bathroom and headed to bed, falling asleep in hopes of a better life soon arriving to him.

***

When Nathan woke up and immediately saw the darkness around him, he groaned, realizing he had just taken a long nap on his off hours and wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again in time before having to go to work.

He fell back to his pillow, closed his eyes, and… wait, what? A job? He didn’t have a job. Wait, what was going on?

Natalie instantly sprang up in her bed, everything coming back to her all at once.

She was… and then HE was… and then…

Natalie clenched her quickly beating heart in fear.

She just had another memory revealed to her in a dream. One she could clearly recall happening in her life as well. The second day she was staying at Astian’s apartment. The day where she started noticing a few odd things about herself and Astian’s behavior. Things that she brushed off at the time, but came to see as major warnings in retrospect.

She looked around her room, making sure she still wasn’t dreaming and that she still was Natalie.

Her fear calmed down, but it soon turned to anger.

So much for sleep being an escape from having to think about her life.

Was this really her fate? To have more and more of her life revealed to her in her dreams? To have to slowly relive the pain and trauma of her transformation every time she slept? To have brief moments where she still thought she was Nathan, only to be bombarded with another life in less than a second while the old one disappeared? To have to constantly be taunted that all these twenty-four years of her life were nothing more than a stream of fake memories created by a magic spell? Was this what her life was going to turn into? A never ending cavalcade of fear, confusion, and anger?

No, it wasn’t. She was going to put an end to all this before it even began.

The moon was high in the sky as Natalie took slow, tedious steps toward the cabinet in her apartment’s unused guest bedroom. The bedroom she now knew as the one Astian slept in before the… event.

There was only one way to end all her pain for good.

She took a shaky hand and grabbed one of the door handles, opening it to reveal a pistol on the top shelf.

It needed to stop.

She grabbed the pistol and examined it in her hands.

By any means necessary, it needed to stop.

The gun was not loaded. She placed it back on the shelf and searched the cabinet for a magazine. Once found, she took it and inserted it into the pistol.

One little twitch and it’d all be over.

She took the top of the gun and pulled it back, letting go to allow it to slide forward and chamber the round.

Almost there, just a little more.

She turned the gun’s safety off. It was done. All she needed to do now was put it in her mouth and pull the trigger.

She pointed the gun toward her and raised it ever so slowly. She paused when it hit her lips.

“No, don’t stop now. You’re so close.” Her mind rang out.

She opened her mouth and slid the gun inside, aiming it at her throat.

This was it, only one more step. Just one squeeze of her finger and she’d be clean of this mess of lies.

How could one ever make peace with the fact that their entire life was fake? A fabrication that didn’t exist, that never existed. All the friends she made, all the experiences she had, for all she knew, may not have even happened. How could she know for certain which memories were or were not real?

She thought back to when she was nine years old, and learned to ride a bike for the very first time. Her father was so proud of her, and she could still recall the huge smile on his face when she was able to ride around the whole neighborhood without falling. She was proud too, it was the first time she could remember where she felt she really accomplished something meaningful.

But during the trial, there was a part where they went over Astian’s very thorough and meticulous planning of the spell. As it was said, changing reality to alter someone’s gender and making it so that person doesn’t remember their old life was not an easy process. It had to be carefully thought out and Astian needed to heavily consider which memories should be changed and how those changes would be implemented. All to make Natalie’s life come out coherent.

It was a long, difficult process. So difficult in fact that one of the prosecutors jokingly told Astian it would’ve been easier just to convince Nathan to love him as a man, to which Astian angrily replied that he wasn’t gay.

What this meant for Natalie was that none of her memories or experiences could be trusted. That memory of her learning to ride a bike could’ve just been created by Astian in order to make her new life seem more appealing.

The fact that every single one of her memories now had the distinct chance of being fake hadn’t really sunk in until now. It wasn’t just gender specific memories, or Astian being her boyfriend instead of best friend, it was every memory she ever had. She couldn’t trust any of them.

Did this mean all the work she put forth in college and in her current job didn’t occur? Was all the success in her life right now just given to her? Did she not really work for any of it?

What did this mean for other people? Was Nathan a friendless loser in his childhood too? She couldn’t tell. She remembered having a number of close friends in high school that she still followed on social media, but if Nathan didn’t have any friends in high school then could she say any of these people truly knew her? If someone came along and inserted memories in someone else’s head of being friends with a person they never met, then who could really say if those people knew each other? Who could say if they were ever truly friends?

Hell, what did this mean for her parents? The ones that knew her as “Natalie” their whole lives? The ones that thought they had raised a girl through false memories? How would they react when told the child they thought they raised wasn’t the child they actually raised?

Her entire life, her fake, imaginary one played out in her mind as she was taunted by the words of others.

“Nathan had a failed suicide attempt, while Natalie would never even think about committing suicide.”

“Stay safe tonight, okay?”

Natalie’s right index finger moved and laid in front of the trigger.

All it would take now was one squeeze of her finger. One squeeze and all the pain and confusion would be over. All the fake memories, all the trauma she’d have to relive through her dreams, it would all cease entirely.

She tightened her index finger very slightly. If she pulled it there was no chance anyone would be able to save her in time. She’d die, leaving behind the mess of a bad life and a good life that never actually happened.

It’d be so easy.

Natalie didn’t know how long that gun was in her mouth for, but she didn’t bother trying to guess.

Eventually, her choice was made.

Her body stood in the air.

But the gun dropped to the floor.

She couldn’t do it.

For the entire time the gun was in her mouth, she was like an emotionless robot, never reacting to the intense situation she had put herself in. Never caring that she was about to end her own life forever.

That was over.

Tears were flowing out of Natalie’s eyes as she laid on the floor.

Somehow, in the midst of her crying the night before, Natalie was able to fall asleep. She didn’t know how, the adrenaline rush she got from her suicide attempt had to have been enough to keep her awake and alert, but whether she wanted to or not, she fell asleep.

The dreams that came to her during her sleep were exactly what she expected. And at this point, she wasn’t even mad. She had resigned herself to the fate of having to relive her slow, likely painful transformation from Nathan to Natalie with each slumber. It seemed reality really wanted her to remember every detail of it, and she had no choice in the matter.

She just couldn’t catch a break could she?

Sitting up in her bed, she recalled the extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable memories that fate had given back to her.

***

Four days of living in this apartment and Nathan still hadn’t cooked a single meal. He felt a bit bad about it, it was probably a pretty shitty and lazy thing to do, but to his credit Astian had only actually cooked twice since the move-in, which included breakfast that current morning.

Still, Nathan could definitely be a bit more helpful. He didn’t want to be a moocher, and he was applying to all the jobs he could. Every minute of the day he had his phone with him, awaiting a call back.

Nathan rubbed his face as he walked into the kitchen, taking notice of how smooth it still was. It had been three days since he shaved, shouldn’t it have grown back at least a little? Opening the camera app on his phone, he saw that his face didn’t even have a 5 o’clock shadow.

That was a little strange. He might have to keep watch of that.

He put it out of his mind as his nose was filled with the scent of bacon, eggs, toast, and hashbrowns. Enough to get his appetite going. Astian handed him a plate, having already finished and put his own plate in the sink. Gee, he was really going out of his way to be nice right now. Internally, Nathan felt even more guilty about his unemployed status.

Nathan went back to the dining room table, Astian following closely behind him. While eating, Nathan tried to focus on reading something on his phone, but he kept getting distracted by Astian looking at him from across the table. At first he tried to ignore it, thinking he would eventually leave, but that never happened. He just stayed there, staring at him.

After a while, Nathan couldn’t stand it. What was he looking at?

“Is something wrong?” Nathan asked him.

Astian’s face turned into a grin, and he almost seemed to chuckle. “No, nothing’s wrong. It’s just that you look really cute when you eat.”

Nathan immediately stopped chewing and stared as Astian finally walked out of the dining room. The fuck was that? He was “cute”? That’s what Astian was staring at? Was he gay or something?

No, Astian wasn’t gay. He was as straight as a man could be. He loved boobs, or at least Nathan had thought. Has Astian really been into men this whole time? Nathan couldn’t recall a single time he even came across as gay, but was it possible he just wasn’t looking hard enough?

Whether he was gay or not, it wasn’t normal for a guy to just go up and call his best male friend “cute” after staring at him for close to a minute. Not with that kind of grin. If it was some kind of joke then it wasn’t funny.

“Fucking weird”, Nathan thought to himself.

***

Still no call back from any of his applications, and Nathan was forced to hide his frustration. Was the world just against him succeeding? Surely one company had to have called back by now, especially with all the applications he’s sent out. He must have the shittiest luck in the world.

Nathan was walking from his bedroom to the living room when he ran into Astian.

“Shit, I dropped my pen.” He said. “Can you pick it up?”

Nathan obliged and bent down. As he grabbed the pen, he felt a hard slap to his butt. He quickly stood up with a shocked expression.

“You have a really nice ass.” Astian said with a weird grin. “And thank you.” He took back his pen.

He walked away after that, leaving Nathan in disarray. Why the hell did Astian do that? Was this part of some long running joke Nathan wasn’t in on? To say it was weird would be an understatement.

Nathan did realize though that he had bent over and displayed his butt entirely in front of Astian, which may have provoked his slap.

Nathan blushed. Why did he do that? He’d have to pay more attention to his actions. He couldn’t leave himself open to that kind of stuff.

***

A full week had passed since Nathan moved into Astian’s apartment. Still no call backs from any company he applied to, a fact that made him groan. Luck was definitely not on his side here.

That wasn’t what was bothering him most right now, though. No, that honor easily went to how Astian had been treating him recently.

For the past few days, at least once per day Astian would say or do something really weird. Something that came off as either flirting or being hit on. Hell, just earlier that day Astian had told him that his eyes looked nice. What kind of straight guy says something like that to another guy?

Of course, there was the possibility that Astian was gay, but Nathan had actually tested that theory yesterday. They had both gone out drinking (thankfully Astian didn’t make any moves on him in public), and while in the car Nathan had asked him if he wanted to go to the gay bar in town. Astian not only instantly shut that down, but he looked repulsed by the suggestion. So Nathan had a hard time believing he was gay.

That only made these actions of his even more bizarre. What was Astian getting out of this? To Nathan’s knowledge he had never remotely acted like this toward any other guy, let alone with such consistency.

Nathan wanted to bring it up with him, or tell him to lay off, but he could never bring himself to actually do it. That would likely cause an awkward confrontation, so Nathan tried his best to ignore it. Hopefully Astian would get bored of this and move on.

Nathan stared at his reflection in the mirror before his shower. Still no sign of his facial hair coming back. This was getting a bit concerning, should he call a doctor? This surely wasn’t a normal thing to happen to a guy.

Nathan went into the shower and as he washed up he noticed something else. His body hair looked a bit… lighter than it used to be. Not quite as thick, and it didn’t stand out as much. He had never really given much thought to his body hair before, but he was sure he wasn’t imagining this change.

He really should call a doctor at some point.

***

Natalie leaned back in her bed. Well, not her bed really but the bed from the hotel room she stayed at during the trial. Apparently she had been brought back to that world, whatever it was called, in her sleep. Truthfully she didn’t know how to feel about that. Maybe it was good she was away from firearms at the moment, but the dreams and the memories they recovered taunted her, making her wonder why she hadn’t just killed herself and gotten this all over with.

No, she didn’t want to go down that road again. She may not be sure who she is, and she may even think her life, the one she remembered, held no weight and didn’t matter at all, but she was sure she didn’t want to kill herself… right?

Maybe that was only because she knew she’d never be able to do it.

Life fucking sucks sometimes.

She heard a knock at her hotel door. She wasn’t surprised to see Sara when she opened it.

“What do you want?” Natalie asked, failing to hide her bitterness.

Sara looked at her sympathetically for what seemed like way too long, at least to Natalie.

“I’m sorry.” She eventually said. “So, so sorry.”

Natalie thought that she had expended all of her tears. The adrenaline from putting a gun in her mouth and being one twitch away from ending it all had long been filtered out of her system, her sadness and confusion going with it.

But after she heard Sara say she was sorry, she didn’t know what came over her.

She just lost it.

She cried. Hard enough to fill an ocean, probably. And it seemed nothing could stop her.

She didn’t fight back when Sara hugged her. Nor did she fight back when she was led back to her bed. When she sat down, she fell onto Sara’s lap. She just needed someone to comfort her. She didn’t care who, anyone would be fine.

Except for HIM, obviously.

“Is Astian dead?” Natalie asked, her voice shaking. “I want him dead. I want him to suffer every day he’s not dead.” Sobs were heard between words. “Just fucking kill him, please.”

A hand was placed on her back. “Calm down.” Sara said softly. “This isn’t helping you, it’s just stressing you out. And Astian’s in magic prison right now. He won’t hurt you ever again. He’s not even in this realm. That prison is in another world, separate from this one.”

“Why do you call it ‘magic prison’?” Natalie asked, bitterness showing through her sobs. “Do you just put ‘magic’ in front of every word? It’s so stupid and annoying.”

“The name does kind of suck.” Sara cracked a weak smile. “But what else could we call it? It’s not really a normal prison. And it’s only for people who’ve committed magic abuse. ‘Magic prison’ is the best they could come up with.”

“Well it’s stupid.”

“I know.”

Sara continued stroking Natalie’s back, her hand moving back and forth across it slowly. She wasn’t sure if this was what she was supposed to do to calm someone down, but after a while it seemed to be working.

“Why am I here?” Natalie asked as her crying subsided.

Sara lifted her hand from Natalie’s back. “We can’t see everything you do, but we could see what you did tonight. You need help.”

Natalie got quiet, her sobs stopping, but tears still falling from her face. She refused to reply.

“Doing this alone isn’t going to help you.” Sara told her. “You need someone who understands your problems.”

Natalie remained unresponsive, continuing to lay in silence.

Sara sighed. “You don’t want to end your life.”

Natalie suddenly turned around in Sara’s lap, anger filling her features. “End my life? Astian already did that. There’s nothing in my life that’s worth keeping. I know none of it actually happened. Nothing from before a week ago happened.”

“Natalie, that’s not how timelines work.” Sara retorted. “Your full timeline as Natalie exists, and all your experiences are real. You really went through all of them, from birth to now.”

“And why does that timeline exist? Could you please tell me why?” Natalie shot back. “Why was the timeline created? Who created it? Even if at the end of my change I was somehow sent back to my childhood to grow up all over again, that wouldn’t change the reason why or how all these memories exist or happened in the first place. None of it was natural.”

“That’s not the way you should be looking at this. Your life is real. Everything that happened to you in your life is real. Your timeline doesn’t start where Nathan’s timeline ends.”

Natalie stood up, moving to pace around the room, frustration in her steps.

“Natalie…” Sara said, concerned.

“You know, I was a cheerleader when I was in high school. It was a lot of work, but I liked it. Hey, do you want to know something funny?” Natalie asked Sara, a grin forming on her lips.

Sara stared at her worriedly.

“Technically, I never was a cheerleader. Never practiced or played a day in my life. I mean, unless Nathan was a cheerleader…” Natalie stopped. “Was he?”

Sara shook her head.

“That’s what I thought. And I doubt there was any other sport Nathan played to take its place. Oh, and you want to know something even funnier? I wasn’t a cheerleader because I wanted to be one. No, I was a cheerleader because Astian wanted his dream girlfriend that he specifically sculpted out of his best friend to have been one. Because hot girls were cheerleaders. He wanted to date someone who was a cheerleader. What a great guy.”

“Listen, it’s okay to be upset.” Sara said. “But you need to have an open mind to get through this.”

“Sure, I have an open mind. Enough of an open mind to know the truth, which is that I don’t exist, and never did.” Natalie said firmly. “In fact, everything I do, my entire personality, probably only exists because Astian liked it or thought it was attractive. He made me after all. You want to know about my life? You want to tell me how it played out? Ask him, he’s the expert. Hell, he’s the fucking god.”

Sara reached out to touch Natalie’s shoulder. To try and calm her down. Her hand was swatted away.

“I’m not dealing with this shit. I’ve had enough.”

Natalie stormed out of the room, shutting the door behind her with a loud slam.

***

The maze-like hallways of the hotel made navigation hell for newcomers, and Natalie hadn’t traversed through them near long enough to be able to go anywhere easily. Regardless, Sara was running and calling for Natalie at every turn. Physics operated exactly the same in this world as they did on Earth. With how high up in the hotel they were and windows in every room, Sara could only fear the worst if she couldn’t find Natalie in time.

Sara was about to call for help when she heard footsteps around the corner. She quickly turned toward the noise and was met with the bathrooms. She walked through the women’s bathroom and found nothing. Since no one else was on the floor apart from them, she checked the men’s bathroom without any hesitation.

Sure enough, the furthest stall door was closed, and from the bottom, someone could be seen inside in the fetal position.

Sara knocked on the door. “Natalie, are you in there?”

“Go away.” Natalie answered.

“Look, you don’t want me to leave. I know you don’t. You need someone to talk to. It doesn’t have to be about… you know… but you don’t want to be alone.” Sara said. “Trust me.”

Nothing was heard from the other side for minutes on end. Natalie just wouldn’t respond or move, no matter what.

After about five minutes, Sara sighed and began walking out the bathroom to call for extra help. Just before she left though, she heard a lock move and a stall door open.

Natalie stood still in the corner of the bathroom, staring at Sara. She looked like a mess, her face was stained with tears. She looked as though she had reached her limit with crying, like all her tears had been spent. More than anything else though, she looked defeated. As if her fighting spirit had lost and was now dead.

“I’m sorry, Natalie.” Sara said. “I’m really, really sorry.”

If she could still cry, Natalie would’ve absolutely done so right there, but she couldn’t. All she could do was stare.

“I don’t know what to do.” Natalie said. “I don’t know who I am. I mean, it’s just… I’ve known my whole life I was Natalie. I grew up as Natalie. Went to school, went to college, went to work, and talked to people as Natalie. This is my life… and now, I’ve been told that none of that happened. My boyfriend… Nathan’s best friend, made all of that up, because he wanted a hot girlfriend. What do you even say to that? How can I trust that whatever happens to me from now on aren’t just the made up memories from the next psychopath I meet? I’m not sure about anything anymore.”

“It’s hard.” Sara affirmed. “I can’t possibly imagine how you feel.”

“I guess I’m supposed to be Nathan. This is the bathroom I belong in. That’s what seems to be the truth.”

Sara looked over Natalie, up and down, deep in thought.

“That’s not what you want though, is it?”

Natalie sighed. “No, it’s not.”

“Then… what do you want?”

“I want to be a normal woman.” Natalie answered. “My whole life has told me I’m supposed to be a woman, but that was all made up. I know I’m really just a man who was turned into a woman and then made to forget they were a man.”

“The full timeline as Natalie still exists though, you really did experience everything you know and remember.” Sara explained.

“Yeah, I know. But like I said, that timeline only exists because of Astian. All my experiences were put in place by him, so it wasn’t a normal life where my actions were my own.” Natalie responded. “The original timeline was Nathan. A guy who was basically murdered by the person he thought was his best friend. I can’t imagine what his last thoughts were. He must have been terrified.”

Sara sadly nodded. “You can choose to believe all that, but if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that you’re not Nathan. And you don’t want to be him.”

“And why do you say that?”

“Because…” Sara said. “You’re referring to him in third person.”

***

Natalie and Sara continued to talk as they walked through the maze of hallways. They didn’t hold back, all the ins and outs of identity death were discussed. Mainly, if the way their world handled identity death victims was an ideal one. Is it better to have these people live on in ignorance? They are essentially a different person now, after all, who they once were is dead. Would it be better to just leave them be? To not tell them what happened?

To know your whole life may not have been your own can cause an existential crisis. In some ways, it might be best to leave them be.

But at the same time, does the person they once were have a right to be known again?

***

Natalie opened the door to her hotel room. Finally, they had returned to it. She instantly plopped down on her bed when they went in.

“You mentioned something about a program when I first came here, right?” Natalie asked.

“Yes, I did.” Sara answered. “A mental health program for identity death victims.”

“How long is it?”

“Basically the program is just five days a week every week whenever you sleep.”

“So I guess I travel to this world in my sleep? Is that correct?”

“Yep, that’s how it works. I can’t really say the exact process of bringing you here, but I know it’s called ‘dream travel’.”

“I guess that makes sense… wait, if identity death is so hard and complex, then how do you get so many victims of it? There’s not nearly enough trials for that.”

“Well, there are other realms that monitor magic abuse for the Earths of different universes. I and others have met and talked with many of those victims.”

“So the multiple universe theory is true?”

“Not a theory, it’s a fact.”

“I swear this shit keeps getting crazier all the time. How did I get sucked into all this?” Natalie asked. “How do you even keep track of so many universes?”

“Well we’re only connected with fifteen or so other realms monitoring Earths that are all almost exactly the same.”

“God this is a lot to take in.”

“You’re taking it pretty well.” Sara said. “I’ve seen a lot of people where the idea of magic and multiple universes existing is too outlandish to them. Like, they literally will not accept it.”

“How weak.” Natalie remarked.

Sara grinned. “It is what it is.”

“And I take it you all aren’t human?” Natalie asked.

“Do I even have to say we aren’t?” Sara answered. “We have a human’s lifespan.”

Natalie snickered as she gazed outside her window, to the world of black that surrounded her. Already she was tired of seeing it. She needed some detail and grit. Some humanity and earthly beauty.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Natalie said.

Sara nodded and left the hotel room. With the door shut, Natalie laid in her bed, awaiting the return to her life.

Her fake, artificial life.

She closed her eyes, trying to ward off the feelings of defeat and depression coming to her.

One awful side effect of being unemployed is how much it fucks up a sleep schedule. Falling asleep in the very late hours of the night and waking up in the afternoon felt so horrible and wrong on so many levels. In Nathan’s case, it made him feel like a slob.

Thankfully though, every morning Astian made sure to come to his room to wake him up, usually just by shaking him.

Nathan pretended to still be asleep when he heard Astian come into his room. He just needed a few extra minutes to rest.

To his surprise, he was suddenly lifted off his bed. He managed to stop himself from flailing his arms, but he still had a freaked expression on his face as he opened his eyes and saw Astian carrying him.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” Astian said with the same weird grin that was quickly becoming burnt into his mind.

“What are you doing?” Nathan asked, in probably the most nonchalant way he could, given the situation.

“Just making sure you’re awake.”

“Did you have to do it like that?”

“Well it worked, didn’t it?”

Astian still had that grin on his face as he said that, and it was beginning to make Nathan feel very uncomfortable. This was not at all a normal way to wake someone up. Not a friend at least.

Astian laid Nathan back down on his bed. “Breakfast is done, you might want to come out if you want it hot.”

He left the room after that. Considering the point in him going in there in the first place was to wake him up, Nathan thought he did a really good job. He had no desire to go back to sleep. But still, everything about that interaction was wrong. The ‘sleeping beauty’ comment really stood out to him. Nathan had been called stuff like that before in his life from other guys, but it was always in a mocking tone. The way Astian said it was just… gross.

He really needed to have a talk with him about this.

***

Astian handed Nathan a plate, a waffle made with his own family recipe. It smelled and looked delicious. Truthfully Nathan was a bit angry he was never told what exactly this recipe was. He supposed life couldn’t give you everything.

Taking a seat at the table, he saw Astian about to leave the room. He didn’t have to leave for work for another ten minutes, he could spare a short conversation. And this was one that needed to happen.

“Astian.” Nathan called.

Astian walked back into the dining room. “Look, I’d like to leave now. You realize traffic is a thing, right?”

“Astian, I need to talk to you.” Nathan said. “It’s about whatever the hell you think you’re doing. It’s going too far.”

“What are you talking about?”

“These weird ass comments like ‘sleeping beauty’ and such. It’s getting weird. It’s starting to make me uncomfortable.”

For a second Nathan swore he saw Astian look surprised or almost panicked, but that was gone in an instant.

“Oh, that? That’s just teasing. It’s not a big deal.”

“You slapped my ass a few days ago.”

“That was a joke. If you don’t want to get slapped then don’t bend down like that.”

“I don’t care if it was a joke. I want it to stop.”

Nathan must have said that very harshly, because Astian looked disappointed. Seeing him look like that made Nathan feel guilty, as if he just did something extremely wrong. He almost wanted to apologize, but only almost.

“Alright, I’ll stop. I didn’t think it was a big deal but I’ll stop. Still, I think you’re being too uptight. You really need to hang out with more people.”

Astian’s last comment before leaving the apartment hit Nathan unusually hard. He didn’t know why he felt so awful about what he said. Astian had been pushing his boundaries for days, and definitely crossed the line multiple times. Nathan had every right to tell him to stop, but for some reason his heart was etched with guilt.

Nathan tried to eat his breakfast in peace, but he just couldn’t. For one thing, he noticed he had to adjust his hands more times than he’d like. He could swear they were a touch smaller than they should be, but that was likely his imagination. It wasn’t like focusing on that could make him ignore the guilt eating away at him, anyway.

Astian was just having a little fun, wasn’t he? Maybe he was right to say Nathan was being uptight. A couple harmless jokes couldn’t hurt, and it wasn’t like he was in any danger.

After finishing breakfast, Nathan went outside to try to walk off his thoughts, and it only half worked. Ignoring the fact that his shoes were just loose enough to be barely noticeable (had he really been stretching them that much), he just couldn’t shake off the feeling that he did something wrong. It made him walk faster than he otherwise would’ve.

At least it was a nice day. If there’s one thing Astian was right about, it’s that he really needed to get out more.

***

When Astian came back from work, he spoke and acted as if the conversation from that morning didn’t happen. It was strange, but Nathan welcomed it. He didn’t want to bring it up again either. Especially when just thinking about it made him feel compelled to apologize. Talking about it would make suppressing that urge a real challenge.

When Nathan went to bed that night, his feelings of guilt were mostly gone, but at this point they were replaced more by concern at how strong that guilt was. What was going on with him?

Being unemployed must really be fucking with his head. He needed to get a job, and fast. If only any of the companies he applied to would call him back. He groaned, life was really shit right now.

***

Natalie had no idea what to expect as she gazed out the car window, watching building after building pass by. Her first day at this new program. She was going to be talking in a room full of identity death victims. God, what was she getting herself into?

Her day back in the real world was pretty unnoteworthy. Ashley had tried to lift up her spirits, but none of her efforts managed to do anything. She may as well have been talking to a brick wall.

Come evening she was really starting to notice how lonely she was getting in that apartment. She couldn’t help it, a part of her missed Astian. Missed talking to him, missed watching movies with him. Missed hugging him, kissing him, and having sex with him. Even if most of those experiences were deliberately put into her head by him, she couldn’t deny how good he made her feel.

She shut her eyes tightly at the thought of Astian. No, it was good that he was gone. Not just because he was a bad person, but because with his magic, who knows what else he could’ve done to her. If he was willing to brainwash her into being his girlfriend, there was no way he would stop at that. He might have turned her into his full worshiper, or made her completely dependent on him. He might have even made her his slave. There was no way to tell how far he’d go.

The dreams she had just before arriving in this car were deeply disturbing. Thankfully after she fell asleep in the hotel no lost memories of Nathan came back to her. It seemed they only came once during sleep. She wished they wouldn’t come at all, but she couldn’t deny a part of her was morbidly curious to remember how Nathan dealt with his change.

It seemed like he actually fought back some. Good for him, even if she knew that he lost in the end.

What caught her attention the most though was Astian. Looking back at that memory now as she experienced it, she had a hard time believing the guilt she felt then was genuine. It had to be magically influenced. Astian wanted the perfect girlfriend after all. It made her wonder just how much she was brainwashed. Could she even leave Astian at all? Had he forced her with magic to stay with him at all costs? To overlook his flaws and his clear psychopathy? From his perspective, they had only actually dated for one week, and that week was the only time she knew the real Astian. He didn’t act any differently than in any other week, but if he was given more time…

Natalie shuddered at the thought.

***

Here it was, their destination. Finally, they had reached it. Unlike whatever the world that monitored magic abuse was called, the world she was in now was not a white void. It had scenery. Grass, trees, and cars were as far as the eye could see. She could even feel wind blow across her as she walked out of the car. The driver, a man who looked to be middle aged, waved as he drove away.

She walked across the expansive parking lot to the large building in front of her. It looked like an ordinary psychiatric institute, being very wide and quite tall. All things considered, it looked pretty inviting. She went inside and as was told, reported to the third floor.

As she walked through the place, she was extremely curious what all these rooms were for. What went on here? Was it just a psychiatric institute for the people that lived in this world, or something different? What world was she in anyway? It looked a lot like Earth, it even had something that looked very much like the Sun in the sky, but she knew that couldn’t be the case. Was it on a real planet, somewhere in some universe? Maybe.

It just hit Natalie that she was about to talk to people who literally lived in different universes.

THAT was going to be a trip.

She checked herself in and reported to the room just down the hallway to the left. She opened the door and was immediately greeted with the faces of ten other women looking right at her. Great, she was already having second thoughts. She only just got here.

“Hello Natalie.” Sara greeted her from one of the front chairs. “I’m happy you could join us.”

Natalie stared down at the stapled sheet of papers handed out to her. Whatever Sara was saying right now she wasn’t listening to. Considering it was the first day of this program, it was probably a bunch of boring, rudimentary, introductory crap. No, the paper she was holding was much more interesting.

“Identity death victims are overwhelmingly women, or men, depending on the perspective. The most common case of identity death is a man being transformed into a woman and then being made to forget their life as a man. This scenario makes up 96% of all identity deaths. Other cases of identity death may include a woman becoming a man and then forgetting life as a woman, or a person becoming another person and forgetting their previous life without the involvement of any gender transformation.”

Apparently every universe that had an Earth was filled with people that really wanted to turn men into women. Seriously, that many cases? Did that mean all the women in this room were originally men? Probably.

Why people were so fond of men becoming women while having a distinct lack of interest in the opposite was likely due to a ton of different factors, none of which Natalie wanted to ponder at the moment. She didn’t need to remind herself that she wasn’t a real woman.

“A person’s motivation for committing identity death is, for the most part, linked to their relationship to the victim. For instance, whenever a man commits identity death, it is usually on one of his close friends. Most of the time, it is to turn them into his girlfriend. There are also instances in which a man will brainwash a woman he doesn’t know into being his girlfriend, however as that does not involve erasing a person’s memories and creating a new life for them, it is not considered identity death.

Women do not usually commit identity death on their close friends, however they are much more likely to commit it on their romantic partners. The most common case is for a woman to transform her boyfriend into her daughter. There are also a not insignificant number of cases where a woman transforms a man into a woman in order to teach them to respect women or understand their struggles, though those cases do not involve identity death. In those instances, the transformation itself is usually intended to be a punishment.”

Even if this data was collected from a multitude of different universes, it was shocking to see just how fraught every world was with magic abuse. Also, considering being a woman to be a punishment was pretty fucked, was it not?

“Identity death can be done in one of two ways. Either it can be done with the victim transforming as the spell is being written, or the spell can be written entirely in advance and the person can be changed completely all at once. The former usually takes less time in total, but the latter is very useful for perpetrators looking for victims they don’t personally know.

The nature of most instances of identity death makes it crucial that victims are away from their perpetrators quickly. A disproportionately high number of men who transform their friends into their girlfriends end up being abusive partners, and a disproportionately high number of women who transform their partners into their daughters end up being abusive parents. It is not safe for them to be around each other.”

It was certainly comforting for Natalie to know that her fears were confirmed, and that Astian, the man she thought she loved, probably would’ve been a really bad husband. Bad enough to make her have nightmares, even. She nearly shivered. No, she didn’t want to have to think about that man again. He was gone, a part of her past.

A past she’d be forced to relive every time she slept.

She just couldn’t win, could she?

Natalie heard the doorknob turn and looked up to see the door open. Standing in the entrance to the room was a woman who looked very young. In fact, it may have been more accurate to say she was a girl, as she looked to be about eighteen. How could this program accept someone so young? Were people out there really performing identity death on literal children? That was seriously sick.

“Victoria, I’m happy you made it.” Sara said to her.

“Sorry I’m so late. Traffic was fucking crazy.” Victoria said as she took the open seat next to Natalie. “Did I miss anything?”

Sara handed her the same collection of papers everyone else got.

“Nope, we were just getting into introductions.”

‘Oh, great.’ Natalie thought with a silent groan.

***

Eventually, the actual session finally began. Introductions hadn’t taken that long and Natalie prided herself in actually being able to get through them. Of course, the people here probably wouldn’t have minded if she couldn’t do it, but still.

All of the women in the room had given female names, like her. Natalie just knew that they were all thinking the same thing. Everyone in that room had once been a man, in a past life, but no one wanted to outright state it.

Though that time may be coming up, because soon after introductions was an ‘open floor’ period where anyone was free to talk about anything they wanted involving their current problems. Inevitably, that subject was going to be brought up.

Hell, just after Natalie thought that, it did.

“Yeah, I still don’t remember all my male life, but I remember the night I transformed.” A woman who looked to be the same age as Natalie spoke to the group. She had said her name was Autumn. “Am I supposed to… tell it? Like, explain what happened to the whole room?”

“If you want to and are comfortable.” Sara answered.

“It’s a hard story to tell though… I don’t want to trigger anyone.”

The woman sitting beside her put a hand on her shoulder. “I don’t think a single person in this room has had an easy time reliving any of this. That’s what we’re here for. If it’s important that you say what happened to you, say it.”

Autumn’s eyes darted across the entire room, to see if she could find any hint of objection. Even if some of the women were staring at the ground or away from everyone else, she could find none.

“Okay, I’ll tell it.” She said. “If anyone gets uncomfortable, tell me.”

“Feel free to leave the room if you need to.” Sara added.

The room fell silent as Autumn took the time to prepare her speech.

“I still don’t remember what happened during that day, but in the night I was at a party. It was held at some frat house, I don’t know what the name of the frat was. I was a college freshman at the time, so the idea of going to some big college party was just something I couldn’t turn down. I had to go, I mean, I had thought college parties were a myth but right there was an opportunity to go to a real one. I had to take it.”

Autumn paused, turning her head as if to consider something.

“Since I’m already telling this story I might as well say what my male name was.” She said. “It was Alex.”

She continued her story. “My 18 year old male self seemed to fashion himself a sex god.” She snorted. “In reality he was a coward who never had the balls to actually go up and talk to a woman. In spite of that though, he… I, had an alright time. I was pretty drunk when I left the house, so instead of driving I had to stumble my way back to my dorm room. It wasn’t too far, thankfully. Anyway, as I walked onto the sidewalk I noticed this guy talking to some girl. He was holding this folded piece of paper in his hand. It had some writing on it, but my drunk mind couldn’t even begin to see what it was.”

She shut her eyes, seeming to tense up as the painful part of the story began.

“He was asking her if she wanted to come with him to his apartment. She said no, and then he took her hand and rubbed the paper all over her palm. He asked her the same question, and as he did I saw her eyes become unfocused, staring at him as if she was in a trance. This time, she said yes. Now, even as drunk as I was, seeing that exchange really weirded me out. The guy must’ve noticed me staring because he turned around and asked me if there was a problem. I tried to say something like ‘no I’m just trying to get back to my dorm’ but who knows what my drunk self actually said. It was probably funny whatever it was, because the guy had a smile on his face as I talked. He then came up to me and rubbed that piece of paper on my face. I guess he didn’t take my hand because he thought it was gay or something. But anyway, he asked me if I wanted to come to his apartment, and well… I said yes.”

At that point the whole room knew where her story was going. Natalie almost stood up to leave but willed herself to stay down.

“When he rubbed that paper on me I suddenly wasn’t drunk anymore, as if all the alcohol just left my system. It probably did. But despite that, I still wasn’t perceiving things quite right. It’s hard to explain what being in a trance is like. The best way to say it is that I was fully in love with this guy, and couldn’t think for myself. I just did whatever he told me to without saying a word. He led us back into his apartment, and well… he raped us.”

‘Fuck’, Natalie thought. If she didn’t have second thoughts about coming here before, she definitely did now.

“Even though my mind was clouded I can still recall it. He led that girl onto his bed and he began. Once he was finished, he looked over to me and took out another folded paper from his drawer. He rubbed it on me and that’s when the transformation happened. I didn’t feel anything, but even in my clouded state I was still confused at suddenly being a girl. He didn’t give me time to think about it though. He just led me to his bed and raped me.”

Natalie forced herself not to cringe. Now she really wanted to leave. Why did everything have to be so awful?

“I’m sorry.” The woman beside Autumn said.

“I guess you can’t really predict these things.” Autumn said with a weak grin. “If you’re curious about what happened after that, I woke up the next morning with no recollection of the past night, or my male life at all. As far as I knew I was Autumn, and had been my whole life. I had willingly gone to this guy’s apartment and had sex with him. Looking back at it now with my male memories coming in, it’s kind of trippy. To remember two things happening that one night, that is. I also noticed the other girl had left. I asked the guy where she went, and he said he didn’t know. I left after that and I… ‘thanked’ him for ‘a good night’. The piece of shit actually smiled before I left.”

Autumn’s face was starting to fill with rage, and she took a few moments to calm herself.

“Apparently that other girl died in a car crash a week later. A part of me suspects there may have been something more going on there. Something sinister, but my universe’s magic enforcement world wasn’t able to find anything. They also weren’t able to find the guy who did all this, and I just… don’t have it in me to try and find him myself. Reliving this memory has already been painful enough. I can’t do it.”

Autumn turned to look at Sara directly.

“That was six years ago, in both timelines. It took them six years to notice the double timeline. That’s what they said at least. How could it take so long? Were they lying about that and just didn’t want me to relive that memory?”

“If I am to be completely honest, they probably lied.” Sara answered. “I’ve talked to some people from the world monitoring your universe, and it shouldn’t take that long to find a merging timeline.”

“That’s what I thought.” Autumn said. “And you know what? Maybe they were right to hesitate. Maybe it would’ve been better if I never knew about all this. I just… I don’t know, I just want to move on. That’s all. Thinking about this stuff is exhausting. I just want it to be over.”

Natalie could definitely agree on that point. She wanted this to be over. She didn’t want to have to think about any of this shit anymore. It was exhausting.

Actually no, that wasn’t right. What she really wanted was someone to tell her that this was all some elaborate prank. To tell her that she really was just a normal woman, and not some man turned into one against their will. Whenever anyone in the room talked about identity death, all she heard was that she was supposed to be a man and nothing she had ever felt, seen, or done in her life was real.

Moving on was impossible. And at this point, she shouldn’t even call herself Natalie anymore.

Autumn’s story had started a chain reaction. Pretty soon everyone in the room was taking turns talking about what had led them into becoming the women they now were. Not everyone spoke about it, so far two women had declined, but most of them did. And as they did, Natalie’s suspicions were slowly but surely confirmed. They had all been men in a past life, and each had varying levels of remembrance of it.

Natalie listened as the woman before her finished telling her story. According to her, she had been cursed after calling a woman a bitch at a bar. It was a pretty dumb story, mainly because it made absolutely no sense to transform someone to “teach them a lesson” if you are just going to erase their memories and change their entire personality anyway. At that point why not just change their personality so that they’d already learned the lesson? Also, identity death for calling a woman a bitch? Seriously? Some of these perpetrators were the pettiest people alive.

Natalie noticed a few faces had turned toward her, as if anticipating something. Oh right, she was up next.

“Uh, no. I don’t want to talk about it.” Didn’t want to talk about Astian, more accurately. His mere name was enough to strike anger into her heart.

The last woman in line, Victoria, took the floor and began telling her story.

“I’ve had quite a few years to prepare this one. I hope it satisfies all your expectations.” She smirked. “It all started when I was a 26 year old man named Victor, living with my girlfriend in my apartment. We had been trying to save up for a real house for years, and just couldn’t do it. The costs were ridiculous! And we didn’t have enough for a mortgage either. It was that, along with the fact that work was getting very busy for me at the time, that made me so stressed I didn’t even notice my girlfriend was going out so much. Now at first, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, so I let it go. But then I found a used condom in her car. At that point I was too stressed to even be mad, but that didn’t mean I didn’t confront her. She got real mad but eventually she apologized and said she wouldn’t do it again. I decided to give her a second chance. That…” She paused. “Turned out to be the worst mistake I’d ever make in my life.”

Already Natalie could tell just how similar this story was to her own. Against her will, sparks began lighting up within her.

“The very next day I was fired from my job for some bullshit reason. At the time I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse. A horrible thing to think, because every single time it crosses your mind you quickly find that yes, things can get worse. A LOT worse, in fact.”

Natalie braced herself for what was about to come.

“As I tried to find a new job, my girlfriend began acting weird toward me. It started with her calling me ‘sweetheart’ and ‘sweetie’ and such. Then with her insisting I couldn’t drive anywhere or cook or really do anything by myself. It got even worse when things like my wallet, phone, and computer started disappearing. When I confronted her she told me I was just imagining things. It was all weirding me out, so I contemplated leaving, but my car had disappeared too. And when I tried to use my girlfriend’s car, I found that I had actually forgotten how to drive. Pulling out of the apartment driveway felt like the first time I had ever driven in my life, and it freaked me out real hard so I went back. The next three weeks after that were a nightmare.”

Victoria began to look visually uncomfortable as the next part began.

“Things kept changing with no explanation. Hell, I was changing. I continued forgetting things like how to fill out a job application or how to do my own laundry. My girlfriend began to do a lot of things for me, and for some reason, she looked really happy about it. And yes, my body began changing too. I noticed I was shrinking and my face was looking more juvenile. I started to have a hard time seeing my girlfriend as my girlfriend. Like, I couldn’t kiss her that way anymore. It grossed me out. Not just that, but I began to feel like I had to listen to whatever she said, because she was right about everything and was much smarter than me. Basically, I was starting to see her as my mother, but my mind was trying to keep me from realizing that.”

Natalie clenched her fists. It was impossible for this to not remind her of Astian, and all the awful shit he did to her. How was Victoria so calm when telling this? How could anyone be calm about this? Their entire life was stolen from them because of some deranged power fantasy!

“The last week was hell. Everything happened so fast. My girlfriend said we were moving, and all my bags were already packed. I saw that all my clothes looked like stuff a preteen girl would wear. None of my old clothes were there. Once we got to our new house, which did look pretty nice, it was only a few days before I was completely an 11 year old girl. But despite everything that had happened, I was still determined to fight this. And you want to know something? I almost won. I almost stopped them. I was so close.”

Natalie saw Victoria’s eyes had the hints of tears forming in them. However they were gone just as quickly as they came. For the most part, she was still calm, which only ignited the flame within Natalie more and more.

“One night I stayed up late and walked around the house, trying to see if there was anything I could do. My mind had mostly regressed to an 11 year old girl’s at that point but I still had enough of my adult self left to know that my time was running out and I would soon lose everything. Thankfully, it seemed luck was on my side, at least for a brief moment, as my girlfriend forgot to lock her bedroom door. I opened it, looked inside, and caught her with some other guy. I’d never seen him before, but I saw they were both writing weird symbols on some papers and speaking in some weird language. They didn’t even notice me before I said ‘I knew it was magic’. They were shocked at first but then tried to tell me that this was for the best. My girlfriend said I was ‘too stressed’ or something and that this guy had a nice job and we’d finally have the house we’d been trying to get for so long. Oh, by the way the house we moved into was that guy’s house. Anyway, said guy was the same guy she’d been cheating on me with, I’d never actually seen him before that. He said he just kind of went along with it and only helped her a bit. He didn’t even know magic existed before meeting her. ‘It was her idea’, he said. As you can imagine, it didn’t make me feel better.”

How could someone ever do something like this to another person? How could it be possible to care so little about the sanity of another human being? The people who committed identity death were the kinds of people who could never be reformed. The selfishness, the entitlement, and the depravity could never be fixed.

“They were trying to convince me to ‘give in’, because that would make everything easier. But I didn’t want to lose myself, so I just left the room in the middle of one of their long winded persuasive speeches. They didn’t call me back.” It took a few seconds before Victoria became ready to share the next part of the story. “My plan was a murder-suicide. My girlfriend wanted to make me into her daughter, and I wasn’t going to let her have that. I went to the attic to the gun cabinet, but then I realized I didn’t have the key. I couldn’t break the glass, no matter how hard I tried, so I had to go find it. I went to their bedroom, which they had stupidly left. I found it in one of their drawers. I went back to the attic and was almost to the cabinet before I was caught and my girlfriend pinned me to the wall. I attempted to put up a fight against her, but at that point I knew it was over. She was much stronger than me and there was no way I’d be able to get to the cabinet. But I still tried as hard as I could. Eventually the guy who apparently was to become my new father came into the attic and saw us fighting. My girlfriend yelled at him to grab the key from me, but he didn’t even seem to register her. Instead he just stared. I don’t know what was going through his mind, but seeing that scene was what pushed him over the edge. He said something like ‘fuck this’ or ‘this magic shit is getting too much for me’ and then left. And that’s the last time I ever saw him. I have no idea where he is now, magic enforcement was never able to find him. To this day, I’m still not sure if he was a brainwashed victim of my girlfriend's magic and seeing us fight was what snapped him out of it, or if he had free will the entire time and seeing us fight was what made him realize he didn’t want any part in this scheme anymore.”

The fact that Victoria was so willing to give these monsters the benefit of the doubt sickened Natalie to her core.

“My girlfriend got the key from me, and that’s when things start to get a bit… well, not blurry but hard to think clearly about. She yelled at me like I was fully her child, calling me things like ‘an ungrateful spoiled little bitch’. She then slapped my face a couple times and forced me into my room. There wasn’t enough of my male self left to resist her, and I was too deflated over how I just lost everything. I cried before I fell asleep. I still remember how terrified I was. I was actually begging for my mother, my REAL mother to come and tell me that everything would be okay. And… that’s it. I woke up the next morning with no memory of the previous day or my life as a man. I didn’t even remember that I had done something ‘wrong’ the night before and cried about it. I guess my ‘mother’ was really mad about her new husband leaving her, because she erased my ‘father’ from my life entirely. Apparently he left when I was really young. Too young to remember him or what he looked like. The only memories I have of that guy are of that one awful night.”

Victoria’s real family had been torn away from her forever. Her real mother didn’t recognize or even know who she was anymore. There was no contest, Victoria’s situation was far worse than Natalie’s, and yet she was so much calmer in spite of that. Did all those years remembering soften her up? Natalie could not let that happen to her.

“I guess I should talk about the aftermath. My ‘mother’, it’s really hard to call her that, got arrested a week after and was sentenced to… I think it was twenty-five years in prison for magic abuse. Now, from my perspective at that time, I was completely an 11 year old girl, so magic enforcement deemed I was not fit to know the truth. The explanation they came up with was that my fake mom got lost in a police chase. It wasn’t until I was 15 that they told me what really happened. I’ve been spending the past few years trying to sort this shit out, all while being stuck in a foster home. It’s been a hellish seven years.”

“Wow, I’m so sorry.” One of the women in the room said. “How are you coping with it?”

“It’s hard. I’ll never forgive her for what she did to me, I know that for sure. But I don’t have the energy to be mad about it anymore. My main goal is to just move on. I don’t know who I am, but I have to move on.”

Who she was was a grown man. How was that even a question? Had she lost her mind? Had everyone in the room lost sight of who they were? Was Natalie the only identity death victim left here with some god damn sense?

“The last thing I’ll say is this, I know a lot of adults who have said they want to be kids again. Take it from me, an adult who was forced to be a kid again, you don’t. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you only went back to like, 17 or something, but fully growing up a second time is an awful, awful experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Seeing your mind regress to that of a child’s is terrifying. You slowly lose yourself, along with your freedom and control. You feel like you’re going insane, because in a way, you basically are. It doesn’t stop there though. When I started remembering my male life, I basically became a thirty-something year old man in a teenage girl’s body, which is just fucking horrible. Being a student in high school with an adult mind is complete hell. The classes are way too easy for me and way below my level, which makes acing them feel like nothing. I feel empty about it, like I didn’t earn it. But even worse is the teen drama, which I have to navigate as an adult. I can’t even date anyone without feeling like a child predator. I hate it. I hate all of it. So. Much. I just want it to stop.”

But it can never stop. Every day you live will only continue the fake fantasy life forced onto you. The life you didn’t even want before you were made to want it. There can be no escape from this. And none of the people here seemed to be interested in the hard facts.

Natalie forced herself to rein in her ever growing anger. She had had beyond enough of these spineless people.

When her anger finally came out, she stood up from her chair and stormed out of the room.

The front doors of the psychiatric institute were flung open as Natalie furiously stomped out of them.

As if not being real wasn’t bad enough, now she had to deal with a bunch of people who couldn’t accept the simple facts about their so-called “lives”. How could they be so squeamish about what really happened to them? And worst of all, they had therapists there with them, supporting it. Spouting some nonsense about “merging timelines” and how “technically everything they remember really did happen”. It was all a bunch of crap to make them feel better, and Natalie was having none of it.

She stormed onto the sidewalk and passed building after building. She didn’t really know where she wanted to go, but it was somewhere far away. Somewhere she wouldn’t have to deal with people.

How could those “women” in that room still see themselves as women? They were comforting themselves with false delusions, like spineless cowards. Well guess what? Life is fucking hard sometimes and you have to deal with it. No matter how much they wanted to be real, regular women, the truth was that they weren’t. They were some dude’s jack-off fantasy. Their entire purpose for existing was because some pathetic psychopath was mad he couldn’t get a girlfriend and decided to carve one out of his friend. Everything they had ever done in life and all of who they are as a person was fake, only existing because said guy found it attractive and they weren’t their own person and yeah that wasn’t easy to accept but some shit you just have to deal with no matter how hard-

Tears left Natalie’s eyes and she fell to the ground, in the back of what looked like some pizza place.

“Oh god.” She whimpered.

Her face quickly became wet with tears and she lost control of her breaths.

She wished she had pulled the trigger when she had the chance.

“I just want to be normal.” She managed to get out between sobs.

Natalie laid there on the ground for what seemed like hours, ignoring anyone who may have caught sight of her.

For the second time in her whole adult life, she cried herself to sleep.

***

Despite living in an apartment, Nathan and Astian were basically in the middle of nowhere. It was a random assortment of houses and shops for about ten miles before you got to the closest city. And right before the city were the suburbs, one of the strongest pieces of evidence that hell really did exist on Earth.

Driving alone for the first time in close to two weeks actually felt pretty good. Living by himself for so long had made Nathan almost forget what living with another person was like. Really, he just needed some time out of the apartment, and by himself.

What had sparked this drive were a few of Astian’s comments toward him earlier in the day. Unfortunately, they still weren’t done having vocal disagreements with each other.

***

It had started as a pretty typical morning, which was great because that meant no nonsense when Astian woke him up, thank god. Sitting on the couch in the living room, Nathan passed the time by staring at his phone.

“Man you really gotta change your clothes.” Astian said.

Nathan perked his head up.

“Look at yourself. Your shirt’s full of toothpaste stains, there’s a hole in the armpit, your pants have a giant hole in the middle. I can see your underwear.” Astian pointed out. “You look like a slob.”

Nathan looked down. His shirt did look pretty messy, but he was also in this apartment nearly 24/7. Was it really such a big deal when no one was there to see him?

“If you want to get your life back in order, you have to fix your appearance. Take some time to look like someone who cares at least a little about how they look, you know?”

After saying that, Astian left the apartment, leaving Nathan alone to ponder his suggestions.

***

It was noon now, and Nathan had decided that Astian was right. He really needed to change things up. It was embarrassing to be a 24 year old man who still couldn’t brush his teeth without making a mess. At least he had enough money left on his debit card to buy some new clothes.

On the bright side, now that Nathan had forgiven Astian for his weirdness earlier in the week, they were getting along a lot better.

For the most part. Things had gotten worse before they got better.

Last night had been very awkward for both of them.

***

Nathan wasn’t paying much attention to the movie that Astian had insisted they watch together. Instead, his mind was mostly left to drift, wandering to whatever part of the screen his eyes felt compelled to stare at.

He was also pretty tired. Who knew the stress of unemployment could get so bad?

At some point, when the movie was almost over, he tilted his head to the side and proceeded to lean it there. Eventually his head hit Astian’s shoulder and immediately he felt better. He closed his eyes to relish in the feeling.

…Wait… what was he doing?

With a sudden burst of energy, he quickly shot his head up as a shocked and disturbed expression spread across his face.

Astian turned to him curiously.

“Umm…” Nathan struggled to form words. “Sorry, I… too close.”

“Oh.” Astian said nonchalantly. “It’s cool.”

He turned back to the screen, as if nothing happened at all.

Nathan was beyond thankful Astian was so calm about this. A ton of guys out there would’ve surely turned that into some huge confrontation. Still… what was wrong with him? Why did he do that? And why did he ENJOY it?

It had only been a day before that he complained to Astian about his bizarre, almost flirtatious actions toward him, but… did he really have any right to complain about them if he was doing stuff like this?

Watching the credits roll, Nathan figured the best thing to do would be to just forget about it and not let it happen again.

***

Forgetting about it was clearly easier said than done, apparently. He just couldn’t get over what he did, and in turn was making what was probably a very small thing into a massive problem.

Maybe he just needed more time.

Finally, a clothing store came into view. Being the middle of a weekday, not many people were out shopping, so Nathan was able to park his car in one of the many open spots and go inside without many troubles.

***

It was a good thing Nathan remembered his sizes. Buying a few new T-shirts and pairs of underwear was pretty easy, and luckily he had enough money for all of it.

Back in his room, he emptied the new clothes on his bed. As he sorted through them, something caught his eye and confused him. He picked up the foreign object and held it out in front of him.

Why were there a pair of panties here? Pink panties, even. How did they get here? He hadn’t bought these, he was sure of it.

Concerned, he dropped the feminine garments and immediately went over to his computer and looked at his purchase history. And to his surprise, there was indeed a record of him buying this product.

What the fuck?

He knew for a fact that he was the only one around when he had checked out these clothes. There wasn’t any woman, or anyone at all for that matter, who was in front of or behind him. There was no way any clothes could’ve been mixed up. So how the hell did they get in there?

Nathan really thought back to when he went to the store, trying to come up with any explanation of how the panties could’ve gotten in his bags. And as he did, he realized the woman at the checkout counter did give him some weird looks as he was paying for these clothes. At the time he hadn’t understood why, he had made sure he didn’t look too much like a slob before he went out, but for whatever reason she seemed to find something about him really strange.

Shit.

He really did buy those panties, didn’t he?

Thinking about it was so bizarre. He didn’t know how, but without thinking, he had gone to the women’s clothing section, picked them out, and then paid for them. Somehow he had done it without realizing it.

Was he having some kind of mental break? What the fuck was wrong with him?

He looked back to the panties on his floor. Picking them back up and examining them, he couldn’t help but wonder… what would it feel like to wear them?

He instantly threw them at a wall. No, he wasn’t about to wear panties. He wasn’t going to just accept whatever compelled his mind to go on autopilot to buy women’s underwear. He needed to hang on to whatever shreds of his dignity he had left.

He put his remaining clothes away, leaving the panties on the floor of his closet.

***

Nathan stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, inspecting every inch of his body.

It had been nearly two weeks since he first moved into this apartment, and ever since then, things had been changing. Things about him, specifically. And it wasn’t until now that he fully realized it.

His body had somehow changed. The changes he had taken notice of before were still there. His facial hair hadn’t come back, and his body hair was lighter and thinner. But it was the changes he hadn’t noticed before, the ones that happened without him realizing it, that really stood out.

He looked like he was losing weight. While Nathan hadn’t really been fat, once he was shirtless a soft, slightly protruding belly could be seen. That was gone now, he was thinner, as if he worked out any more than not at all. His arms and legs were thinner too, if that were somehow possible. And when he looked at his hands and feet, he could see they had gotten smaller. Not by a lot, but he was sure he wasn’t imagining it.

He met his worried expression in the mirror. Something was happening here. Something out of his control. What about his mental changes? Thinking he was changing mentally at all was a scary thought, but he couldn’t deny the fact that he had bought panties for himself without thinking about it.

If these changes continued, and he had no reason to believe they wouldn’t, he’d need to call a doctor. Actually, he should just call one right now. He was likely coming down with something, and putting this off for any longer could be very damaging.

He made the call and scheduled the appointment for tomorrow. He went to his bedroom and tried to forget about his health to get some sleep.

***

A soft breeze hit Nathan’s face as he rolled over in his sleep. Had he forgotten to shut his window? It’d be the first time, he always left it shut. Opening his eyes, he found himself staring at a brick wall, laying on the ground.

What?

He immediately sat up in confusion, only to look down to see a pair of breasts.

“What the fuck.” He muttered, becoming startled even further by his female voice.

Why was he a woman? What was happening?

Wait…

He… Something had happened. He had to fight to remember what…

It was… it was something really important.

It was…

Wait, it was Astian!

Astian had, holy shit!

He remembered now, he remembered it all, Astian had turned him into a woman and forced him to be his girlfriend. There was a whole trial over it. He had become “Natalie” and was given a new set of memories to match that.

Astian had lost the trial and was sent to jail. He now lived alone in his apartment. He could remember everything. He even remembered he had a job now and was currently supposed to be in some stupid mental health program.

Nathan stood up, intent on walking back to the program to tell them he was done. He wasn’t going to put up with this shit anymore. After having his life stolen from him, the last thing she wanted was to listen to some cowards who couldn’t admit the truth.

Natalie began walking down the sidewalk to the psychiatric institute and…

Huh?

She stopped instantly, reaching up to grab her head.

The fuck was that?

When she first woke up, she had remembered all of Nathan’s life before the change, along with all her current memories of the last week. Now they were gone, replaced completely with the memories of her prior life. She couldn’t recall a single detail of her life as Nathan.

Was that some kind of glitch? Was this going to be the start of her psychotic break?

All those questions were halted when she heard someone call out her name. She turned to her side to see someone running toward her.

“Hey.” They said once they reached her. “I was told to look for you.”

Natalie had been led back to the psychiatric institute. Specifically, back to Sara’s office. She could see Sara typing something onto her computer as she sat in the chair in front of her.

“Thank you.” Sara said to the person who found Natalie. They smiled, then promptly left the room.

Natalie involuntarily winced and looked down. Sara had to be disappointed in her. It’d be right for her to be. She stormed out of the group therapy room, stormed out of the building, and fell down crying behind some pizza place. She was seriously pathetic. How could anyone not be disappointed?

“I’m not going to yell at you.” Sara said to her with compassion.

Natalie looked up, her eyes lined with hints of forming tears.

“I know it’s hard.” Sara said. “I just want to know why you felt you had to leave.”

Natalie felt a lump form in her throat. Guilt ate away at her heart. Why was she feeling so guilty? What happened to the determined woman ready to storm back here just a few minutes ago? Could she not even keep herself straight for that short a span of time?

No one said anything for about three minutes, the only sound in the room being the ticking second hand of the clock on the wall. Putting everything into words seemed impossible.

“I was angry.” Natalie finally said.

Sara looked on, giving her time to continue.

“Everyone in there was so… they… they didn’t know what they were talking about.”

“How so?” Sara questioned.

Natalie was silent again. It was hard to say what she was thinking, but… Sara was so understanding. She, of all people, would see where Natalie was coming from, right?

“They’re just… cowards.”

“Cowards?”

“Yeah, it’s just frustrating.” Natalie said. “I don’t know how they can ignore that they aren’t real people.”

“What do you mean?” Sara asked. “They’re not ignoring what happened to them, they’re trying to cope. And they are real people. They were there, they were talking to each other, they were helping each other. They’re real. They’re whoever they want to be.”

“Why are you sugarcoating it?” Natalie asked. “None of us are real people. We’re some deranged lunatic’s power fantasy.”

“Natalie, you’re all so much more than that.” Sara said. “You lived real lives, had real memories. You all have unique journeys, and all of them have valu-”

“Cut the shit!” Natalie yelled, sudden anger overtaking her.

Sara’s face turned to one of sympathy.

“The only reason we exist is because a very sick person made us real. No one here cares about the facts, they just want everyone to feel good. Well, I’m not having it!”

“I’m sorry you think that about yourself.” Sara said. “It’s okay to be mad, but your thought process is very unhealthy.”

“Do we tell psychosomatic people that their illness is real? No, we don’t. We don’t indulge in their delusions.”

“Natalie, you’re veering off course. I think you might need some time to relax and cool off.”

“Shut the fuck up and let me talk!”

Natalie had gone red, visibly fuming with anger. So quickly had rage filled her heart. She lost control before she even knew it.

“Natalie.” Sara said. “I know I’m not the most experienced with identity death. I have a lot to learn. But I have been doing my research. And what I do know is that feeling fake, feeling inadequate, feeling like you don’t belong, that’s not uncommon. It’s normal to not know who you are. But… Natalie, look at yourself. Look at what you’re doing. Look at what you’re saying.”

Natalie turned her head away.

“You’re attacking your fellow victims, saying they don’t know what they’re talking about. That they’re cowards. That none of them are real people. And with that, you’re getting yourself mad.”

Natalie’s gaze remained fixed on the wall to her left, refusing to look at Sara.

“These people are trying their best to cope with what happened to them. They’re on your side, and you’re shutting them down. That’s not healthy, Natalie. When I hear what you’re saying, I see someone who’s hurting badly. Someone who has a deep hatred of themselves, and is lashing out at other people. It’s hard, but we need to find a better way for you to cope.”

Natalie still didn’t budge.

“Have you had any irregularities when reliving past memories?”

Natalie pondered that for a moment. She was sure she wasn’t experiencing anything particularly odd. Except maybe when “Nathan” suddenly popped in earlier. That was normal right? Natalie wanted to ask, and she almost did, but she simply shook her head.

“Okay. I think it might be a good idea for you to have some time away from this for a while. Take a break. If you want to, of course.” Sara said. “Really, it’s up to you, but I think you should take a little break.”

“I think so too.” Natalie muttered.

“How about a walk?” Sara suggested. “If you want I can come with you. Or you can have someone else. Or you can be alone, if you want.”

“I want this all to be over.”

“I know.” Sara said. “This is a long, hard process. It takes time, and it doesn’t have a clear end.”

“No, I mean I want this to be over, right now.”

Sara became concerned, and Natalie turned toward her.

“You said that Nathan’s timeline still exists, right?”

“Yes.” Sara answered hesitantly.

“I want to go back.” Natalie stated. “I want to go back to my real timeline. To Nathan. You can do that right?”

“Yes… but I’m not sure that’s-”

“I know I’m not the only person who’s gone back.”

Sara sighed. “No, but… Natalie, in your current state, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Going back to Nathan’s timeline won’t bring back all your memories. It won’t make you feel better. It’s an entirely different reality, and that… that could overwhelm you.”

“I know what I want.” Natalie stated. “It might not make me feel any better, but I’ll be where I’m supposed to be. Not living some fake life cooked up by some lunatic.”

“Again, this is a big decision. A new reality isn’t a small thing. You should at least take a few da-”

“I don’t fucking care!” Natalie shouted. “Stop fucking talking! I don’t care! Do you think I wanted this!? Do you think I wanted to have some secret male life!? No, I didn’t. I want to be a normal woman. A woman who was born a woman, and wasn’t some random guy forcibly turned into a woman by his insane fucking roommate! You don’t have any fucking idea what I’m going through! I have to wonder if every single one of my fucking habits was created by him. If the way I think was created by him!”

Natalie’s outburst had taken her out of her seat. Sara examined her enraged state, fully expecting her to continue yelling and ranting.

That didn’t happen.

Natalie sat back down, her rage being replaced by bitter defeat.

“I can’t trust anything anymore.” She said. “I’m done. I’m beyond done. Just fucking take me back.”

Sara stared at Natalie for a long moment after that was said. Her eyes jumped back and forth between her and the computer, considering the request and everything that came with it.

“If that’s what you really want.” Sara said as she typed something onto her computer. “Then it can be done.”

***

The next two hours passed by like a dream. If one were to ask Natalie what happened during them, she wouldn’t have been able to recall. It was as if her mind had been shut off, refusing to process any new information.

It wasn’t until she was told to press some button that it finally rebooted.

Holding down the button, Natalie saw the mirror fill with blue, cloud-like swirls. They spun around constantly, soon consuming the entirety of the image and leaving nothing else visible.

“This will take you back to where the Nathan timeline left off.” Sara said. “Step through it, and you’ll be put back to sleep. When you wake up, you’ll be Nathan, fully in the alternate reality.”

As that information was passed onto her, Natalie saw the clouds gradually clear up. The floorboards, the walls, the ceiling, the door, everything in the room slowly became visible again. When the last of the clouds faded, Natalie saw the reflection of Nathan looking back at her.

“The portal can only be open for twenty minutes.” Sara explained. “If you need more time to think, make sure you come to your decision in twenty minutes.”

Natalie reached her hand up to the side of her face, watching Nathan copy her every movement with perfection. She was in awe of its precision. How could it be possible for an entirely different body to reflect one’s motions so well?

Sara walked back toward the door of the small room. The door opened and Natalie turned back to her. Sara gazed at her for a bit, looking like she wanted to say something to her, but she didn’t. She walked back through the door and shut it, not saying another word.

Natalie turned back to the reflection of Nathan before her. Nathan looked exactly as she remembered him from the memories. Memories she was told she wouldn’t be getting back if she stepped through here. Memories she would still have to relive after stepping through. The portal couldn’t change that.

A twinge of uncertainty and dread hit Natalie as she stared into the mirror. Against her will, shame broke into her mind. Was she actually going to do this? Maybe she needed a little more time to…

Natalie shook her head. No, this was what she wanted. She was happy about this. She couldn’t wait to get to her real life, the one that really happened. She didn’t want to be a man, but she couldn’t always get what she wanted.

This was something that had to be done

Natalie stepped through the portal, blackness soon overcoming her vision.

A dreamless sleep awaited Natalie once she entered the mirror. And after all she had to endure the previous few days, she wanted nothing else. Short, easy, noninvasive, that was all she needed to be satisfied.

Here she was, finally, in the other timeline. The original timeline.

The real timeline.

Natalie had spent a good amount of time just staring up at the ceiling from her bed when she first woke up. Her bedroom looked exactly as she remembered it from her dreams. Men’s clothes replaced the women’s in her opened closet, and she could see that her bed was smaller, only meant to accommodate a single person. It didn’t feel as comfortable as the bed in her own timeline, especially without someone beside her, but she tried her best to ignore that.

Of course, after a while, it became impossible to look past the elephant in the room.

She was now Nathan, a man. As she was sitting up in her bed, looking down at herself, that fact became extremely apparent.

Natalie wasn’t exactly shocked seeing her body like this, even though she probably should’ve been. She’d seen Nathan’s body before in memories and dreams, as well as in her reflection right before entering the mirror, but she’d never seen it while she was currently in it. So this should’ve been a shock.

And yet it wasn’t. Somehow it was like she already knew what being Nathan felt like, before having to experience it.

She really hated this whole two lives thing. She hoped someone would kill Astian in magic prison.

Speaking of Astian, where was he? He couldn’t possibly still be in this reality.

Natalie went to her phone, quickly typing “Astian Dover” into the search bar and found an almost identical news story to the one she read in the other reality as the top result. Robbery, lost, unable to find, the whole shebang. It was all the same even down to the text.

They must’ve gotten rid of him in this reality too. That, of course, means he wouldn’t be here in this apartment, with his job.

And his salary.

Nathan was unemployed.

A wave of panic shot through Natalie as she felt her heartbeat increase.

How could she forget Nathan didn’t have a job? That was such a huge part of the dreams! And she just forgot? Shit, she was going to have to find a new job. And if she didn’t, she’d be evicted, she’d become homeless, she’d have to sleep on the ground, and then she’d die! This was a horrible idea, what the hell was she thinking!?

Natalie looked at Nathan’s face in the large bedroom mirror and forced herself to take deep breaths and calm down. No, she didn’t regret anything. This was where she was supposed to be. This was her real life, she had to try and rationalize the situation.

They knew about her decision to come back here. Hell, they were the ones who let her do it. Surely they wouldn’t just bring her back here without giving her a way to live comfortably.

She stood from the bed and checked around her bedroom, quickly becoming acquainted with how bland it was. She’d known that from the dreams, sure, but walking around the room in person remained a rude awakening for her. There wasn’t a single poster of something Nathan might have liked, there weren’t any photos of himself or his family on his phone or anywhere else, and his desktop background was literally a black screen. He simply never decorated anything.

To Natalie, that was just bizarre. If this was the kind of person Nathan was, that was a little depressing. In spite of the difference in gender and subsequent life experiences, a part of Natalie thought that she and Nathan were at their core, the same. They were literally the same person after all. She was sure Nathan liked all the same stuff she did. She guessed that was a pretty naive assumption.

Nathan’s clothes shared the same blandness as the room. That part probably wasn’t unique to Nathan though. Most men didn’t really care about fashion, and Nathan seemed squarely in that camp. He didn’t even have that many clothes, not nearly as much as Natalie did anyway. He literally only had like, four shirts, and that was including a sweatshirt. He was a true minimalist if there ever was one.

Then again, since Natalie had no free will of her own and everything about her was created by Astian, she probably couldn’t say much about Nathan not bothering to personalize anything. Her having more clothes than him was probably just Astian thinking “woman equals more clothes”. Really, “Natalie” was hardly even a person.

Natalie harshly pulled the drawer out of its slide and let it drop to the floor, hitting her foot.

“FUCK!” She shouted.

Instantly she heard her deep growl and put her hands to her chest. She groaned then fell back down onto the bed. She didn’t have the energy for this, everything sucked. Why did she choose to come to this reality again?

No, she wasn’t going down that route, especially not on the first day. She had to keep herself together. And remind herself, it didn’t matter what she thought, what mattered was the truth. Nathan was real, she was not. She needed to stop moping around and get back to finding… whatever the hell it was she was supposed to be finding.

Natalie sat up in her bed and tried to think of anywhere in her room she hadn’t looked. She’d torn through all the drawers and there wasn’t anything else in the closet. Did they really not give her anything to help her out? They couldn’t have expected her to find a job on her own so quickly, right? There had to be something here.

At that point Natalie realized she hadn’t thought to open the left door of the closet.

Slowly, she got herself out of bed and went to the closet, opening the left door and coming upon only a small handful of shirts. At least she didn’t have to share this space with anyone else like she had to in the other timeline. This clothes rack was much less cluttered.

Natalie looked down and sure enough, she saw something. A large wooden chest that she knew wasn’t present in her dreams. She breathed a sigh of relief. This had to be it.

She opened the chest and gasped at all the stacks of money inside.

“No way.”

She was about to reach down and grab it but a piece of paper taped inside the chest caught her eye. She tore it off and saw it was a letter addressed to her.

“To Natalie/Nathan Parker,

We have been informed of your decision to go back to Nathan’s timeline. We have granted you that choice and as such we will work to make your transition as comfortable and easy as possible. As you are aware, Nathan did not have a job in this apartment. He was completely dependent on Astian. Since Astian has been removed from your current reality, we have given you enough money to comfortably live by yourself for three months before you can secure a new job. All the money needed for groceries, rent, bills, gas, etc. is included in this chest, in cash form. Please use it responsibly.

We have also included a 4-liter bottle of a potion we think you might find helpful. It is impossible to completely stop your memories from resurfacing, however it is possible to slow it down, and I think you’ll find that helpful in your transition. Drinking this potion will do just that. Make sure you spread out your use of it. It is currently under a magic spell keeping it fresh at room temperature. However, once it is out of the chest the magic will wear off and the bottle will need to be put in a refrigerator.

We will do anything in our power to support you. Until we meet again.

- The Guardians”

Well at least Natalie had a name for them now.

She placed the note back into the chest, leaning down to examine the many stacks of cash awaiting her. She didn’t know if it was just her seeing a ton of physical cash in person, but it looked like they might have overestimated how much money she needed. She wasn’t about to count the amount, but it was a hunch. Not that she was complaining, of course.

She looked to the top left corner of the chest and saw the potion bottle the note was talking about. It was about as heavy as a gallon jug of milk when she took it out, and the liquid inside had the same consistency as milk when it moved. The liquid itself had a deep maroon color, enough to be distinct from both blood and most cherry drinks. Hopefully it’d taste like cherry too.

If this potion was any indication, then these guys were really going out of their way to help her. Maybe she shouldn’t be so rude to them.

Remembering the part about the magic fading away, Natalie went to the refrigerator to store the potion. She wasn’t sure how long the potion would be good for, but he assumed it’d be good for at least a few months. Probably more, considering this was a magic potion. It had to last longer than anything on Earth.

Nathan opened the fridge door and placed the potion inside. As he did so, he was immediately met with an excessive amount of alcoholic beverages, which he really needed right now. He went to pull out a bottle of red wine and…

No.

Nathan dropped the bottle, the glass shattering all over the floor, as he got lightheaded.

No, not… not this again.

He fell to the ground, grasping his head tightly. Against his will, he could recall things he never wanted to know. Breasts, menstruation, becoming penetrated with…

He was horrified by it all, and as much as he didn’t want to think about it, he couldn’t stop himself.

Then suddenly, her entire thought process switched. In an instant, she didn’t understand what the big deal was, or why she was so upset.

Just like that, Nathan was gone.

Natalie’s hands fell to her sides.

She looked at the broken glass on the floor. A fallen teardrop joined the red wine surrounding it.

She should clean it up.

***

Natalie reached up for the remote, grabbing it without having to strain her arm.

Being taller certainly came with its privileges.

Little things like this served as a steadfast reminder to Natalie that she was in a man’s body. And as she sat on the couch with her legs together, she was reminded again of her predicament when her crotch felt just a little uncomfortable.

She now knew why men spread their legs.

She groaned as she looked through the streaming services to find anything to watch, trying her best not to be distracted by her big hands. She wanted a break, she’d spent the last few hours going through the whole apartment to see how much had changed when she went through the mirror.

She shouldn’t have been surprised to see it was so much.

Sara was right, this was right when Nathan’s timeline left off. When that was, she wasn’t quite sure, but she could see from the calendar that she had gone back at least a few weeks.

It was a trippy experience. Natalie had looked through a bunch of photos and documentation which confirmed her suspicions. There was absolutely no trace of her ever existing. In here, Nathan was the one who grew up with her family, graduated high school, got his license, got a job and whatnot. He was the one who was living with Astian. In so many ways, they were the same.

But so very different.

Natalie went through Nathan’s phone, the same one she had, and looked to see who was in his texts. She could see his, or rather their parents there, as well as their sister, but no one else aside from Astian. He didn’t have any friends listed.

Natalie couldn’t help but wonder, what were things like before he moved into this apartment? Was he really just by himself all the time? Not a single person to talk to?

She didn’t want to judge Nathan too harshly, but he was a real mess.

It didn’t help that Nathan wasn’t exactly in the best shape. He couldn’t really be called fat, but he definitely had a bit of a belly, and just by moving around in his body Natalie could tell he wasn’t nearly as fit as she had been.

It wasn’t like Nathan was ugly or anything, no. In fact, really examining his face, Natalie thought he was a completely fine looking man. He could probably look good if he actually took the time to present himself well. As is, he just kind of looked like a slob.

The only thing Nathan had going for him over Natalie was that he was a real person. Which, to be fair, was a huge thing that should basically cancel everything out.

Natalie threw an empty cup at the wall as she selected and opened Netflix.

***

Natalie shivered when she felt the water hit her skin. She tried to not look down at herself, something she failed at very quickly.

At least she couldn't say she wasn't familiar with this body.

Natalie groaned as she slathered herself in soap, racing through her shower as quickly as possible. With her now short hair, that was pretty easy to do. It also took a lot less time for her to clean her chest when it was flat.

Within only a few minutes, she turned off the shower water, put on a clean pair of sleeping clothes much unlike the pajamas she wore in her timeline, and threw herself onto her bed.

And for nearly an hour, she tossed and turned restlessly, unable to sleep a wink.

Natalie laid there eyes wide open, not even close to tired.

What was she waiting for?

She turned her head to the side and stared at the mirror.

Who was she waiting for?

She pulled the covers up close to her.

At some point, long after she had stopped keeping track of the time, she was finally able to get herself to sleep, and when that happened, she saw that same man standing, staring at the window again.

He looked more transparent this time.

The doctor stared down at Nathan’s BMI results.

“Well.” She started. “You’ve definitely lost weight.”

“No shit”, Nathan wanted to say.

“Is it a lot?” He asked.

“It’s a bit.” She responded. “Though I should point out how you are no longer in the ‘overweight’ range.”

Nathan furrowed his brow.

The doctor sighed. “If you want, we can do a blood test. We can get the results back pretty quick.”

“How quick?”

“About a day.” She answered.

Nathan’s gaze turned to his arm, examining how much thinner it had become.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

***

A quick sample of his blood was taken and Nathan was on his way. During his drive back, he couldn’t stop thinking about how the doctors seemed completely apathetic to any of his concerns, almost as if they were annoyed he even considered them concerns at all.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

At least he got the bloodwork done, that was all that really mattered.

Nathan parked his car, getting up to head to his and Astian’s apartment. And he swore that the second he opened the apartment door, he suddenly needed to take a dump. A very, very bad dump.

He ran to the bathroom, his intestines feeling like they were exploding as he expelled the sudden barrage in his gut. The pain and pressure of it made him drool.

It took a few minutes, but he did eventually finish, and as he was washing his hands, he took notice of something as the toilet was being flushed.

For lack of a better term, his poop looked weird. It was almost like it was covered in subtle shades of bizarre colors. It could’ve just been the lighting and angle he was looking at it in, in fact it probably was, but the events of the past week had put him on edge, to the point where every little thing was enough to make him paranoid.

Nathan stared at his face in the mirror.

“Stop worrying so much.” He told himself.

He took another look at the toilet, seeing that not everything had been flushed out.

He turned the handle again and left the room, trying to ignore how he was still seeing those shades.

***

A knock was heard on Nathan’s bedroom door in the midst of his game.

“Nathan.” Astian called. “I got pizza.”

Nathan paused the game and took his headphones off, brushing his hair out of his face as he did so. He’d been doing that a lot recently and it was getting kind of annoying. He really needed to get a haircut.

Nathan walked toward the dining room, the fresh scent of oven-baked pizza exciting him more than it had any right to. Astian was already there in the room eating a slice.

“Do you really need two boxes?” Nathan asked him while grabbing a plate.

“Do you really think I don’t know who I’m living with?” Astian said back.

Nathan let out a particularly scornful snicker as he got his slice and took a seat. Even though he had been getting into cooking, and was able to make some pretty good meals, Nathan still ordered way too much takeout. Every week at his old apartment, he ordered pizza at least once, sometimes twice. It was the main culprit of his weight gain and mediocre health. That alongside his excessive alcohol consumption. It certainly didn’t help that for him, pizza and alcohol went hand in hand. Whenever he got a pizza, he always needed some wine or vodka to wash it down. He had spent countless Friday and Saturday nights just eating pizza and drinking while playing a game on his computer. If nothing else, he was not a man that took much to be pleased.

Nathan hadn’t had one of those nights since he moved in here, mainly because he didn’t have to order anything when Astian cooked basically every meal. Also, Nathan just wasn’t in the mood for alcohol these days. The stress of, well, everything was just turning him off.

“So… Nathan.” Astian caught his attention. “I might as well tell you this now, we’re gonna have another person moving in.”

Nathan abruptly stopped chewing, staring up at Astian incredulously.

“I know, I know. I’m not a fan of it either, but I don’t have any other option. I have to help her.”

Nathan swallowed. “Help who?”

“My sister.” Astian answered. “She’s been having a rough time.”

“I thought she was doing well, what happened?”

“She doesn’t want to talk about it.”

Nathan paused momentarily, then nodded.

“Okay.” He said. “But where will she sleep? We only have two bedrooms here.”

“We’ll figure it out.” Astian replied. “Anyway, I should also mention that she’s going to be moving in slowly. So we’re gonna be getting a little of her stuff like her clothes each day. I’m not sure how long it will take, but she’s expecting it to be about two or three weeks.”

“Why the hell would she move in like that?”

“Again, she doesn’t want to talk about it.”

Astian’s stern look deterred Nathan from asking any more questions.

“Alright.” He said. “Just… I mean, you’re already supporting and trying to help me. Adding another person into the mix seems like it’ll just be a mess. I don’t want you to overwork yourself.”

“Oh trust me, I don’t mind. I like helping people, it’s what I do.”

Astian looked into Nathan’s eyes with an infectious smile, causing Nathan to chuckle. He hadn’t noticed it before, but Astian had a very nice smile. So nice that just looking at it made Nathan instantly feel better.

“Well…” Astian gestured to the pizza boxes. “I’ll let you have the rest of this. Consider it my treat for you. I know you’ve been having a rough two weeks.”

Nathan sighed. “That’s an understatement.” He said.

“Yeah, I know.” Astian replied. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.”

Astian nodded and walked over to the trash can. “By the way,” he said, “do you have her number?”

“Whose number?”

“My sister’s.”

“Oh.” Nathan said. “No, I don’t. Will I need it?”

“I don’t think so. I’ll tell you if you do.” Astian answered.

Nathan nodded. “Okay.”

Astian was about to leave the room when suddenly he spoke up again. “Oh and Nathan, I have to say, you have a nice blush.”

Nathan’s face fell as Astian left the dining room and laughed. Gulping, he quickly checked his reflection on his phone camera. Shit, had he been blushing? He needed to watch that.

Wait, what? Why the hell would he need to “watch” that? What was he watching for?

Nathan put the phone down and grabbed another slice of pizza, as on edge as he was earlier in the day. He ate quickly and stressefully until suddenly, he felt himself growing tired and cold very quickly. He lifted his hand to his head to attempt to stave it off. It didn’t work.

He then heard Astian come into the room again, laying his hands down on his shoulders. Nathan turned his head to face him, but he couldn’t see anything. It was as if the dining room around him was fading away, leaving behind nothing but black.

Despite not being able to see anything, Nathan felt Astian come close to his ear. He shuddered upon feeling his breath on his face.

“You’ve been developing very nicely.” He whispered. “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Nathan opened his eyes and sat up in his bed, shivering in the darkness with his face becoming wet with tears.

The pen on the other side of the table tapped constantly against the cold wood beneath it. With it, Natalie’s legs bounced, restless and anxious.

“So, Nathan.” The interviewer said. “Tell me about yourself.”

In the past, Natalie had never been one to struggle with that kind of question. She always aced it without a hitch.

Now, of course, things were very different.

“Well, my name is Nathan Parker.” Was that necessary or was she just saying that to remind herself? “I grew up in a quaint little town near the outskirts of Middletown, New York, and it was there where I had my education.” Natalie paused a while as she recalled a crucial detail she learned about Nathan’s life. “I was a boy scout for most of my childhood, all the way from Tiger Cub to Eagle.”

“Oh really?” The interviewer asked, intrigued.

“Yes.” Natalie nodded, relieved she remembered.

“Were you in the Order of the Arrow?”

Natalie was stumped. She had no idea what that was. Damnit, why did he have to ask that? She couldn’t have possibly memorized every last detail about Nathan’s experience in Boy Scouts. What was she supposed to say?

“No.” She replied with as much confidence as she could muster.

“Oh.” The interviewer said. “I asked that because my son is a Boy Scout, and he got inducted into the Order of the Arrow a few weeks ago. It’s pretty cool. Can you believe they’re trying to get rid of it? Something about cultural appropriation or whatever.” He chuckled at his own comment. “But, I’m getting off topic, sorry. Let’s get back to the interview. So, what was your eagle project?”

Now this, thankfully, Natalie had memorized. “I built a pretty large building on my school’s baseball field. It had a concession stand, storage room, and announcement room on the second floor. I have a picture if you want to see it.”

Natalie grabbed a photo from her folder and passed it to the interviewer.

“Huh.” He said. “It actually is two floors. Must’ve been a pretty ambitious project.”

“It was. Took a lot of time. Basically every weekend the start of my junior year was spent on it.”

“Was it hard work?”

“It was work.” Natalie answered. “Work in the hot sun, you know how that is.”

The interviewer nodded and passed back the photo. He said something afterward, but Natalie didn’t pay attention to it. She just focused on the photo again, reminiscing over something she didn’t even remember happening. In the center of it was a sixteen year old Nathan, along with some adult men and a few other boys she remembered from high school. The building behind them looked pretty impressive, and she couldn’t imagine how much time it took to put together. She tightened her grip on the photo. In her reality there wasn’t any two-story building overlooking her old high school’s baseball field. Obviously because Nathan was never there to build it, all thanks to the man whose teenage self stood beside him in the photo, wearing that stupid, stupid grin.

Natalie calmly exhaled as she stored the photo back into her folder. The interviewer finished talking about whatever it was they were talking about, and finally, they could continue the interview.

***

Natalie turned the car out of the parking lot without uttering a word.

Well, it could’ve been worse. At least she didn’t end up looking completely clueless. Aside from the moment where she had to admit that she, or Nathan rather, didn’t graduate college, she thought she did pretty well.

Natalie sighed and pulled out onto the main road. She took a last look to where she had just been, and didn’t even try to ignore the growing frustration within her.

That was the best place she could find for work. After a whole week of sending in applications, that was one of the only places that would accept her.

Home Depot, of all places.

She forced her head away and turned into the nearest exit.

***

She didn’t go back home immediately. She wanted to at first, but before she knew it, she found herself driving on the road cutting through her old high school.

From what she remembered in her reality, the whole place looked identical. It still had a small campus that could be entirely walked in ten minutes. It still had a track and football field that looked better and of higher quality than everything else around it. And the school itself was still a tiny, rough looking building completely unappealing to the eye. The same exact shithole she knew from her time there.

The only difference was the huge two-story building next to the baseball field.

Natalie pulled into the parking lot right next to it. With no one out yet for practice, she had a clear view of it.

It looked… very good.

Natalie picked up her photo of the project and put it up to the building.

Nathan had made a real, material benefit to the world from his existence. What the hell did she have?

***

When Natalie finally got back to her apartment, she went to the refrigerator and took a swig of her potion. She had been trying to conserve it the best she could, and it looked like she was doing alright. It had only been a little over a week since she got back, and it was still well over half full, probably over three quarters as well, enough for the next few weeks.

What would she do when it was done though? Not having those dreams every single night was a huge relief. It was about as nice as the taste of the potion itself, which actually did taste like cherry. Mostly like cherry lemonade, strangely enough. It was sweet, and more than anything else, it worked.

That whole week she had only a single memory recovered in a dream. And it wasn’t even a big one.

Didn’t mean it wasn’t an awkward one though.

***

“Nathan! Come out to the living room, I need your help.”

Nathan turned to his side at the sound of Astian’s voice. He had been cooped up in the bathroom for an hour after another massive dumping episode. Just like the last time, he swore his feces was full of bizarre colors. He didn’t want to actually check it out, because that would mean leaning down into a toilet filled with shit, so he tried to convince himself a second time that it was just the lighting.

If it weren’t for the fact that his hair looked even longer than it did yesterday, he would’ve been golden.

Nathan went out to the living room and saw Astian opening a large box on the couch.

“What did you order?” He asked.

“Nothing.” Astian answered. “This is one of my sister’s boxes. She told me it’s her clothes.”

Astian sliced the last of the tape off and opened the box. When he did, he stared at its inner contents blank and motionless.

“Well… those are definitely not her clothes.”

Nathan stepped forward and took a look inside. The box was full of pads and tampons.

“Did she send the wrong box?”

Astian stood back up and got out his phone.

“I’ll send her a text.” He said. “You go unload those into the bathroom cabinet.”

“What? Why?” Nathan asked, but Astian had already left the room.

Nathan turned back to the box, leaning down and laying his hands on its sides, examining its contents. He sighed and picked it up, taking it to the bathroom.

He didn’t know why Astian didn’t just return the box, but at the same time, if his sister had already packed it, then it probably wasn’t worth the trouble.

Then again, why would she pack them so early in the first place? It didn’t make sense.

None of this made sense.

As Nathan opened up the bathroom cabinet and loaded the sanitary products into it, that same, nagging sensation that something was very, very wrong reared its ugly head once again.

***

Sat down, his back against the fridge, Nathan looked at the potion in his hand.

He took another swig of it.

It was kind of funny that after two weeks of being in this body, Natalie still wasn’t used to everything. Sure, things like shaving her face were pretty easy to figure out, but things like the occasional erection still caught her off-guard and she had no idea what she was supposed to do about them.

When waking up with the dreaded morning wood wasn’t the most embarrassing part of the day, it was pretty bad.

She fought back a cringe as she walked out of the grocery store, recalling the moment in question.

***

Since the apartment was running out of food more quickly than Natalie thought, she decided to stop by the local stores. Having loaded most of what she needed into the cart, she decided to stop by the aisle with cleaning supplies to get some hand soap, which she had just realized that morning was nearly depleted.

Then she made her way toward the period product aisle, stopping right when she turned into it.

Oh, right.

Well now she just felt like an idiot.

She exited the aisle and hoped she didn’t look too much like a dumbass. She didn’t think she did a very good job.

***

Natalie unloaded all of the groceries into the trunk of her car, which she only just now appreciated being the exact same model from her reality. Who knew how far a little familiarity could go?

Turning on the car and exiting the parking lot, Natalie continued to obsess over all the little ways she was fucking up trying to be Nathan. For instance, the way she walked. Was she still walking like a woman, with the hip swaying and everything? She didn’t know, but the moment she thought of it she made a concerted effort to not do it, lest she humiliate herself for the umpteenth time.

That wasn’t all, she also learned the hard way that men were pretty fucking horny. Well, obviously she knew that from her fictional days as Natalie, but experiencing it first hand was a rude awakening. How often did she masturbate as Natalie? Couple times a month? As Nathan she was doing it basically every day. It was insane. Was it something about testosterone that caused it? How in the world did men deal with this?

She should really focus on driving, anything instead of this.

So for the next few minutes, she did, or tried to. She drove along the three lane freeway thinking of nothing but the road. When she saw the exit coming up on the right side, he flipped the turn signal and-

“Fuck!”

Nathan grabbed his head, moaning as if in pain.

Not now. Please, anytime but now. Not while he was driving.

He forced his focus back on the road and made the turn onto the exit just before he was about to miss it.

These switches might end up killing him.

For the past few days, the switches hadn’t stopped. If anything they’d become more frequent. And they could occur at literally any time, without any kind of pattern to follow. At random intervals, his memories of his life would suddenly switch from Natalie to Nathan and so on.

Was that normal? Considering how shit this situation has been, probably.

He hoped there was a way to fix it. There was no way anyone could live like this.

***

Nathan still hadn’t switched back by the time he got to the apartment. It was by far the longest he had ever been in control. And he did not like it at all. It should’ve been just like old times, before all this stuff about transformation and identity death.

Except it wasn’t.

Nathan quickly worked at unloading all the groceries in the fridge and cabinet, waiting for the inevitable switch to Natalie.

It never came.

Later on, Nathan found himself sitting on the couch, staring at the wall, trying to gauge the limits of his memories.

He sat down and tried to recall where Natalie had gone to college. He couldn’t do it. He assumed it was the same place he’d gone to, he couldn’t imagine their lives were that different, but he wasn’t able to know for sure.

Having so many fragmented memories like this was only going to get more and more confusing the longer it went on. He had to do something to soften the blow.

Natalie had gone far out of her way to learn so much about his life, maybe he should do the same. Maybe he should try and communicate with her.

So he took out a piece of paper and began writing.

“Hey Natalie, it’s Nathan. I was wondering what college you went to and if it was the same as mine. I’m very curious.”

And then he wrote the name of the college he went to.

He laid the paper down on the end table next to him, for Natalie when she eventually came back.

Not wanting to be in control any longer, Nathan laid his back on the couch and pulled down the covers. Sleeping usually helped with the switches, and the sooner Natalie was back the better.

She wasn’t one to mess things up.

***

The lights of the local nightclub blazed fiercely in the dark sky, just as they did every time the week had come to an end. The club was brimming with life, and full of party goers from all across town. For many young people, Saturday night was the time to be alive.

For people like Nathan, it was the time to lock yourself away. The bright lights and loud music were an immediate turn off for him, and even if he could get past that, he would never, for the life of him, be able to go up and actually talk to someone, let alone chat a woman up for a possible date. He was far too nervous for that, and nervousness was unfortunately a quality he’d had for his whole life.

When he was in eighth grade, a girl went up to him and said she liked him. She said she wanted to go out on a date with him.

Nathan proceeded to go to the bathroom and throw up because he was so nervous. And once word of that spread, he was the laughing stock of the school. Even in high school when that kind of teasing died down and he won some people over with his eagle project, that incident pretty much killed all his chances of getting a girlfriend. No girl would ever want to be with the guy who threw up when he was asked out. And honestly? He couldn’t blame them.

So Nathan was spending his Saturday night like he always did, playing a video game with some leftover slices of pizza and a cold bottle of wine. The only real difference was that this time he was taking it easy on the wine. Even after two weeks of not having drinken at all, he still didn’t feel like drinking a lot. Maybe that was why he was becoming skinnier.

Nathan leaned forward in his desk, recoiling when his chest brushed against the wooden corner.

“Ow.” He whispered.

The sensation made Nathan’s hand meet his nipple, feeling that it had become much more sensitive. It was painful in a way that was completely foreign to him.

Nathan slammed his hand hard into his desk, enough to make its contents shake. It had just then occurred to him that his chest, his nipples specifically, had been sore for the past day or so. Why he didn’t notice before, he had no idea. Probably because this was one of the more subtle indications that he had some kind of disease. God, what the fuck was wrong with him?

He paused the game and was about to go to the bathroom to inspect himself for what was likely the hundredth time that week, but he willed himself to turn away. No, he wasn’t going to do a repeat of that. He was fine, the doctors said so themselves. Or would have, if they had gotten his blood results.

Speaking of which, where were those results? Shouldn’t he have gotten a call back by now?

Well, to be fair, it was the weekend. He just had to wait a few more days and he’d get them back.

Nathan crossed his arms over his chest and stared straight down.

It was just a few more days.

His back hit the wall.

Just a few more-

“Nathan, you mind getting out of the way?”

Nathan looked up and saw Astian standing there, holding a box. Damn he was good at catching him off-guard.

“Sorry.” Nathan walked to the side. “What's in that?”

“My sister's clothes.” Astian answered. “Let's hope this time it actually is her clothes.”

He brought the box into Nathan's room and threw it on his bed. He took out his pocket knife and sliced away at the tape.

Nathan followed him back into the room, annoyed. “Why are you doing this in my room?”

“Because.” Astian began. “Your closet’s bigger than mine. I thought you could help me out and store these clothes here. Maybe even let her sleep here too.”

“She’s your sister, Astian. You’re the one allowing her to stay in this place.” Nathan responded. “If she should be sharing a room with anybody, it should be you.”

“Well look man, I've been pretty busy lately, and I promise this won't be for long. It's not like she needs to sleep here, she just needs some place to keep her stuff.”

“I'd really rather it not be in my room.”

“Then where would you put it?” Astian asked. “This apartment doesn’t exactly have many rooms.”

“I don’t know, put it in a closet or keep them in the box or something. Just not in my room.”

“My sister’s been going through a rough time, alright? Would it kill you to just work with me a bit?”

Nathan paused, taking a deep breath before possibly saying something very insensitive.

“Fine.” He replied. “But it better not be a lot.”

“It won’t, I promise.” Astian answered. “At the end it will still be your room, there’ll just be another person in it. You can handle that, right?”

Nathan looked on, refusing to answer as Astian finished slicing the tape.

“And would you look at that.” Astian reached into the open box and pulled out a skirt. “It actually is her clothes.”

Astian laid the skirt down on the bed, then got out a blouse and a pair of stockings to go with it.

“I don’t think we need to unpack this quite yet.” Astian said.

“What are you talking about? You were the one who put the box on my bed, you’re the one unpacking it.”

“Of course.” He said. “I’m just saying I don’t think we need to do it yet because, well I wanted to go out and have some dinner.”

“Since when do you do that?”

“Been doing it ever since I finished college. Right about the time when you shut yourself up in your apartment and hardly talked to anyone for two years.”

Nathan’s face flushed with guilt, and Astian kept a stern face focused right at him.

“Try to dress nicely.” Astian said. “And be ready quick, I set apart the whole night for this.”

Astian walked out of the room without even glancing at Nathan.

***

Twenty minutes passed before a disgruntled Nathan left the room, all dressed and ready. He wasn’t exactly excited, but he felt he should go out of obligation.

That stung, real bad.

After throwing the half-eaten pizza slices in the trash, Nathan made his way to the front door, seeing Astian right there waiting for him, wearing a nice striped button down shirt and jeans. He swore Astian was taller than usual, must have been his shoes or something. Astian also had a slight smile on his face, which was a bit confusing considering how intent he was on bringing Nathan down just a bit ago. What could he possibly be smiling at?

That’s when Nathan looked down and realized he was wearing the skirt Astian had put on the bed, along with the blouse and stockings.

His face went red immediately, embarrassed out of his mind. When did that get there? He distinctly remembered not putting it on, how did it-

“Well, we better not keep waiting.” Astian said, opening the front door. “Let’s go.”

Nathan stared confused at Astian. “Really? Aren’t you gonna like, say something about…”

“Say something about what?” Astian asked.

Bewildered, Nathan looked down, his mouth agape and his eyes narrowed. Astian was literally seeing his best friend decked out in a skirt right in front of him and he was acting as if there was nothing out of the ordinary.

“Nathan, you there?”

Nathan’s head jolted back up.

“Uhh… yeah, sorry.”

“Well then.” Astian said. “Let’s go.”

Nathan looked behind him at the apartment another time before deciding that Astian wasn’t going to let up and he should probably go along with him. He waited for Astian to leave the apartment for a few seconds before stupidly realizing that he was holding the door open for him. How thoughtful.

On the way to the car, Nathan’s entire body was shaking. Not due to the temperature but rather due to the fact that he was about to go in public in a fucking skirt. Everyone at this restaurant was about to see a man wearing women’s clothes. God, what the hell was he thinking? Or wasn’t thinking apparently, because somehow he’d put the skirt on without realizing it. Everyone was going to-

He felt a hand on his back.

“Stop worrying so much, you’re gonna make yourself sick.”

At that, Nathan suddenly felt calmer, almost as if he didn’t know why he was worried in the first place. Astian really knew how to make him feel better. Surely he’d be there to keep him safe if any trouble arose.

…Wait, what did he just?

Astian opened the passenger seat door, holding it so Nathan could enter the car. Again, how thoughtful of him. Astian revved up the engine and Nathan tried his best to forget about what he was wearing.

“Do you know how much the food is there?” Nathan asked as Astian pulled the car onto the road.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll pay for everything.”

“What? Really?” Nathan asked. “Even the tip?”

“Yes, everything. This was my idea. Just relax, okay?”

That was new, Astian had never just allowed him to not pay on any of their previous outings. He was really going out of his way to be nice here. It made Nathan feel a twinge of guilt, but also a bit touched. After two whole weeks of living in that apartment doing fuck all, Astian was still willing to take him out to places like this and pay for it all. He must really care about him to do all this. The edges of his lips curved into a smile.

***

When they finally got to the restaurant, Nathan didn’t have the time to leave the car before Astian had already gone over to open the passenger seat door for him.

Again, and Nathan couldn’t overstate it, how thoughtful of him.

With Astian acting like this, Nathan almost expected him to hold his hand.

The two walked in tandem with each other toward the restaurant, and Nathan found himself looking at Astian almost expectantly, but soon turned away.

Why did he actually expect…

A breeze hit Nathan’s legs and he was soon reminded of the fact that he was indeed wearing a skirt in public. With stockings. And a blouse. And as he took a very quick peek down his skirt, he confirmed that he had put on panties as well. The very same pink panties he accidentally bought at the store the other day had somehow ended up around his hips.

Dear god, what the hell was wrong with him?

When they got inside, to Nathan’s dismay, the place looked packed. There were a lot of people in line to get checked in, and he felt that same twinge of discomfort he always got in places where there were a lot of people.

And then it got a thousand times worse when he thought of his outfit.

If it weren’t for Astian putting his hand on his back again, Nathan would’ve passed out.

“Calm down, please.” Astian said. “I’ve got everything under control. I’m not gonna let you run into any trouble.”

Nathan felt himself calm down, but he was still pretty tense. How in the world was Astian going to do that?

He certainly wasn’t stopping all the people looking at him weird.

***

“Alright you two, here’s your food.” The waitress said with a smile on her face as she handed out the plates.

“Thank you.” Astian replied.

The waitress nodded and left the table. Once she was out of their earshot, or at least once she thought she was, Nathan heard her say “was that a guy or girl?”

He took a deep breath and gritted his teeth. It wasn’t the first time that night he’d heard someone make a comment like that. And that was one of the better ones, usually they were “yo, look at that fag in the dress” or “is that a tranny?” It was stuff like that that made him not want to stay in his room and not go out ever again.

“Nathan? You there?”

Nathan turned to face Astian, sat in front of him.

“Geez man, I’ve been trying to talk to you this whole time. You haven’t said a thing.” Astian said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just a little…”

“A little what?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I can’t really say.” Nathan answered.

“Well, whenever you’re done thinking about that, I was hoping you’d like to hear that I got a stream box for your room. You know, so you don’t have to torrent things.”

“Oh, really?” Nathan asked. “Thanks, that’s… nice.”

“Yeah, have a streaming service with a lot of anime on it, which I know you like for some reason.”

Nathan rolled his eyes. “Alright, let’s not get into that.”

Astian chuckled. “Yes! I knew there was someone in there.”

Nathan managed a grin. “Okay, you got me, I’m here.” He raised his left hand. “But if you’re gonna knock on one of my interests, I’m gonna knock on one of yours. Most Call of Duty games are trash.”

Astian scoffed. “Look, I haven’t played those games since I was 17, alright?” He shot back. “And some of those games were really good.”

“They’re all pretty similar though aren’t they?”

“So are the games in a lot of franchises”

“Okay no, that’s just not true.” Nathan answered. “It’s not true at all.”

***

It felt good to reconnect with Astian and talk about the things they used to back in high school. It brought Nathan back to a time when the future was much brighter, back when he actually had potential, back before he screwed it all up.

He was having such a good time that at some point he actually forgot he was wearing a skirt. It just didn’t register to him anymore.

That was, until he had to go to the bathroom.

How was he supposed to go into the men’s bathroom looking like this? He’d get beaten to a pulp. At the very least he’d attract a lot of attention.

But, he really needed to go, so he gritted his teeth and just went in, prepared to deal with the consequences.

Thankfully though, nothing happened. No one else was even in there when he went in. He could just get to the toilet, get his business done and leave, which he did with no problem. The most that happened in there was someone giving him a funny look as he left, which he was very used to at this point.

When Nathan got back to the table, he noticed the tip left on it and took out his wallet to add to it. Even if Astian said he was paying for everything, it just felt wrong not to tip.

Astian took his card out of the scanner. “Well that’s everything. Let’s head out.”

“Wait, Astian.”

“Yes?”

Nathan stood in front of Astian, making sure all of him was in clear view. He couldn’t help it, he needed to see if Astian had some kind of reaction to his outfit.

Nathan motioned down his body. “What do you think of what I’m wearing?”

“You look fine.”

Nathan made a faint hum in annoyance. “What about the skirt, do you like that?”

“Yes, it’s lovely.” Astian answered.

What a bizarre response. Nathan wondered if something at work was frying Astian’s brain. It’d make a lot of sense.

“Come on, bud. Let’s leave.”

Nathan followed Astian out of the building and tried to forget about how weird Astian was acting, instead choosing to focus on the positives. Like how Astian and him had a real conversation during the meal. When was the last time they had talked like that? And when was the last time Nathan went to a restaurant like this? It had been far too long.

Nathan spent the entire drive home in a state of bliss. By the time they’d gotten back to the apartment, he had a permanent smile etched on his face. And that smile stayed on him as he was taking a shower.

It was only when he was getting out of the shower that he came upon a realization that made him stop dead in his tracks.

Was that night… a date?

No, that would be ridiculous. Astian wasn’t gay, he wasn’t about to date his best friend that he’s accidentally seen the penis of in a locker room. That wasn’t happening. He was just being nice.

And holding the door open for him.

And paying for the entire night.

And complimenting his looks.

And not finding it at all out of place that his best friend was wearing a skirt in public with him…

That wasn’t even counting the weird things that turned up in Nathan’s head from time to time. And the fact that Nathan was second guessing whether Astian had said “bud” or “love” once they left the restaurant. It was almost like they were-

“No, no. Stop it.” Nathan admonished himself. “We’ve been over this. Don’t start getting paranoid at every minute thing again. Everything is fine.”

Nathan jumped onto his bed, staring up at the dark ceiling and sighing.

It sure didn’t feel fine though.

***

Natalie was beyond groggy and disoriented when her eyes began to open. Mid-day naps, always good before the fact, never good after. It’s a horrible experience waking up from them, especially when-

Natalie jumped up from the covers, feeling a cold sweat run through her.

Another one? That was the second one this week! Was the potion even working?

She rubbed her hands through her face in exhaustion, her annoyance being doubled by the instantaneous ring of the telephone.

“Who the hell could that possibly be?” Natalie grumbled, grabbing the phone. “Hello?”

“Is this Nathan Parker?” The voice on the other end asked.

“Yes, what do you want?”

“I’m calling from Home Depot. Wanted to let you know you got the job.”

Securing the top button on her shirt, Natalie examined herself in the mirror, managing a smile at the sight of her face.

She was right, Nathan could look good, provided he looked after his appearance. With his hair brushed like this and his facial hair more neatly managed, he was quite handsome. He didn’t even look chubby with this shirt on.

Natalie’s smile soon dropped as her hands fell to her sides.

Her first day at the new job. She could only hope it was enough to pay for the apartment. Working retail was absolutely not ideal, and not remotely close to where she wanted to be, but she was going to have to suck it up and deal with it.

She went to the end table to grab her phone, her hand touching a sticky note on the way.

Oh right, she forgot about this.

She picked up the note and read it, tilting her head in curiosity.

So Nathan had gone to the same college as her. That was neat.

She took a pen and wrote “yes, it was the same” under Nathan’s writing, taking note of just how different their handwriting styles were. Nathan’s letters were much sharper and pointier, while hers were more round and bubbly.

Natalie raised the pen to her mouth and contemplated what to write to Nathan. There were so many things she’d like to know, she just couldn’t put her finger on what. She thought of asking how he met Astian, because for all she knew it could’ve been completely different to how she met him. In fact, it probably was, considering the first time her and Astian really talked to each other was when he “saved” her from a boy trying to prank her by cutting her hair in the fifth grade. From there they became… kind of like acquaintances for the rest of their school career before they began dating the summer after they graduated college. Then they moved here, where they lived happily ever after for a couple years before Astian got arrested.

There was no way any of that happened in Nathan’s reality, which by extension meant it didn’t happen at all. Just going through the story in her head was enough to make her cringe. Was Astian’s idea of “charming boyfriend” really making up a scenario about him as a 10 year old saving the 10 year old female version of his best friend from some immature, childish prank? It was seriously pathetic.

That wasn’t even getting into how she remembered her relationship with Astian starting in the first place, but the less said about that the better. Lord, with what she knew about him now, she hadn’t even considered that he’d made up…

Natalie noticed the sticky note she was holding had been ripped up in her anger.

Her face fell. “Oh god…” Her eyes stained with the formation of tears. She didn’t mean to rip it up.

“I’m sorry Nathan.” She choked out. “I’m sorry.”

***

Natalie still had hints of red in her eyes as she pulled into the Home Depot parking lot. Despite her efforts, the guilt and shame had remained alive in her mind for the entire car ride.

Nathan had really tried to reach out to her and she returned the favor by ripping that note up. She was a real piece of shit.

She looked at her face in the front view mirror for the last time, wiping her eyes as well as she could before exiting the car, ready to get her first day on this job over with as quickly as possible.

***

Here she finally was, all decked out in her new uniform, in the paint department. Already, on her first day, she was filling store shelves with paint.

This was something she couldn’t possibly fuck up.

It was nice that being a man entailed quite a bit of strength to make hauling the paint around easier, but it wasn’t so nice that Nathan wasn’t all that strong for a man, so some of the buckets still took a bit out of her.

On the plus side there was one other person with her. It was a woman who looked about the same age as Natalie, maybe two or three years younger. According to her name tag, she was Kira.

Kira seemed a little avoidant of her, and it looked like she was only going to talk to her if it was absolutely necessary. It took a while before Natalie finally realized what was going on.

She hadn’t noticed it before in her past two and a half weeks living as Nathan, but women had a subtle guarded attitude while around her. And she was only able to pick up on it because they were doing exactly what she used to do when she was in their position. Well, not really in their position because that was all fake but regardless.

She understood why they did it, and it wasn’t like she could blame them. With so many men like Astian in the world it was hard for a woman to not be diligent. Everyday situations always had the chance of becoming very dangerous. You needed to keep your eye out at all times.

Of course, in Natalie’s case, she remembered not having to do that for a few years, because Astian would always be there to protect her. No bad men would ever approach her with him by her side. So long as Astian was there, she was safe and secure.

The thought of that made her want to vomit.

She really needed to stop thinking about Astian, it wasn’t healthy.

Either way, despite the fact that employees were probably supposed to talk to each other and cooperate, Natalie didn’t have it in her to go up to her and strike up a conversation, even one about their job. Kira returned the favor. Her whole demeanor was a mix of that diligence along with boredom.

Natalie had never considered what it would be like to be on the other side of that dynamic. To be the one who women were extremely cautious around.

It felt… awful.

When Natalie’s shift was over and she left the building, she hadn’t spoken to Kira once.

***

The first thing Natalie did when she got back to the apartment was go to the bathroom. Apparently she couldn’t even do that in peace because the instant she sat down on the toilet a switch occurred.

Was this really the best time? Was he allowed to go just one day without having to deal with this?

While Nathan was sitting there, he figured he might as well take this opportunity to see how far these switches could go and what would be retained between them. As he really thought back on his time as Natalie, he realized he had the ability to recall all of what she had been thinking about, but not the full details of those thoughts. Any memories of her life that she hadn’t actively been going over in her mind he had no recollection of. And even for the ones she had, his knowledge of those events was limited.

As for more general, common experiences, he could recall most of them. He knew the experiences of things like menstruation, as well as sensations such as having breasts and making love as a…

He cringed, the fact that he kind of knew what it was like to have sex with Astian was what he had the hardest time accepting.

Everything Natalie did while in control, he could remember. He remembered her going to work at Home Depot for the first time, being with a woman named Kira, who she didn’t talk to, and he even remembered her writing that she did go to the same college as him on the sticky note.

He also remembered her accidentally tearing up the sticky note and feeling very guilty about it, which in turn made him feel guilty. He was not anyone worth feeling guilty over.

He even remembered the thing causing Natalie to become upset, how she started dating Astian in her timeline. But he didn’t remember what that event was.

What happened? He felt like he needed to know. Would Natalie be okay with telling him?

Wait, what was he thinking? He was Natalie! The only thing happening during these switches, as far as he knew, were his memories changing. Perhaps some personality traits as well, but he had no reason to believe it went further than that. Natalie and him were the same person.

So why was he still referring to her as if she was someone else?

Nathan grabbed his head, feeling the ache coming on. He couldn’t take this. He needed something to drink or else he’d go insane.

The second he left the bathroom he bolted to the refrigerator. His hand passed the half empty potion and grabbed the vodka bottle, which he took a large swig out of. He laid the bottle down with a harsh thud that shook the whole fridge. Slamming the door shut, he ran up to his room to find something to watch.

Only to remember that in this reality, there was no stream box in his bedroom.

He collapsed on his bed, face down in exhaustion. If he wasn’t such a screw up, if he actually had a handle on his life, he never would’ve gotten fired and never would’ve had to live in this apartment. He never would’ve roomed with Astian, and Astian never would’ve done the spell. Whatever Natalie had to experience when she first started dating Astian was all his fault.

“I’m sorry Natalie.” He said as he began to tear up. “I’m sorry.”

Soon he came to a point where he was so tired and deflated that he fell asleep. This time, when he looked to his side, the man at the window was even more transparent.

Nathan wondered if he’d ever get to a point where he wouldn’t be able to see him.

The thought of that scared him.

***

“Astian, I’m being serious. Is there something wrong with me?”

Astian almost rolled his eyes at the question. “Nathan, you worry way too much. I don’t see anything wrong with you.”

“You don’t?” Nathan asked. “You don’t think I’ve been acting weird, wearing weird stuff, looking weird?”

“No, you’re fine.” Astian answered.

“Are you sure? I swear I’m getting shorter.”

“It’s in your imagination. Aren’t you dieting anyway?”

“What?”

“I mean, I haven’t seen you drink in a while, so I assumed you were dieting too.”

Nathan thought back to the past two weeks living here, specifically to the food he was eating. He couldn’t really call it healthy, but he did seem to be eating less. And if he was getting skinnier, it only made sense that he’d get a bit shorter as well, right?

“I kind of am, but-”

“You’re just not used to changing your diet, that’s all.” Astian told him. “I don’t think you’re acting any differently than you used to. You’re just going through a hard time, it’ll mess with your head.”

Nathan scoffed. “You think?”

“I don’t think, I know.” Astian replied. “I take it the job search isn’t going well?”

“What do you think?” Nathan said, irked. “No one’s called me back yet. All the applications I’ve been sending are for nothing. It’s been over two weeks. It’s ridiculous.”

“Well, just keep trying.” Astian said. “You’ll get there eventually.”

“Yeah, it’s real easy to say that, isn’t it?” Nathan said a bit derisively. “There’s nothing at stake in it for you.”

“I’m just trying to help you. You could try to be a little understanding.”

Nathan sighed. “I know, I’m just so stressed.”

“Take it easy.” Astian said. “Relax, and things will get better, I promise.”

Nathan left the room after that, feeling underwhelmed. He had hoped Astian would give him something substantial, but instead he gave the exact same answers that were becoming all too common as of late.

“You’re fine.”

Was he right? Nathan hoped so, but he also knew better than that. He had basically gone on a date with Astian a few days ago, even wore a fucking skirt to it. Things were not “fine”.

Nathan locked himself in his room and stared at himself in the mirror. It seemed like every day he noticed something different.

This time, it was at least three things.

First, he saw that his hair now touched the bottom of his neck, and second, he saw that his face looked… different. He had a hard time describing it, there was just something off about it upon close inspection. Maybe he looked younger? Was that what it was? He had no idea. For all he knew it could’ve been changing for a while, this was just the first time he noticed it.

The third thing was that his nipples hadn’t stopped being sore. If anything, they’d only gotten more sore, and when he lifted up his shirt to check them, he could see that they were swelling. There was also a bit of puff to them that wasn’t there before.

Did he have breast cancer? Could men get breast cancer? What else could that possibly mean?

With all this in mind, the idea that he was getting shorter became much more plausible.

The worst part was that he still hadn’t heard back from the doctors. He had no idea what his blood results were.

This was just going to keep happening. He didn’t want to believe that, but what else could he possibly believe with shit like this every single day?

It was just going to keep happening. Every morning he would wake up to be met with some change having been made to him. Whether it be his body, his tastes, or most terrifying of all his behavior, it was going to continue.

Astian would never react to anything happening, and doctors wouldn’t react either. Nathan would have no way to combat the changes, they’d just keep piling on and escalating.

It’s just going to keep happening.

The room turned dark and Nathan felt his body slowly fall down.

It’s just going to keep happening.

Nathan’s back hit the soft mattress below him.

It’s just going to keep happening.

Natalie’s eyes were open wide in the dark night, her body laying down and not moving an inch for what felt like hours.

It’s just going to keep happening.

Slowly, she turned to her side, seeing the computer in the room, as well as the headphone and microphone set. She rose from the bed and sat down at her desk, logging into the computer and clicking an app to record her voice.

It’s just going to keep happening. And since it will, there’s no point in putting anything off.

Nathan had to know it wasn’t his fault.

“Hi Nathan. I don't know whether you’re a different person or just another side of me, it's really hard to comprehend. I know you’re feeling the same way about this.

The first thing I should say is that I don't think I can say enough times that I'm sorry about the sticky note. That was a really shitty thing to do, and I just… I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry.

I know you wanted to hear about how Astian and I started dating, according to my memories, and I guess since we’re basically the same person, or are the same person, I should probably tell you. I’m also curious about how you first met Astian. I know you went to boy scouts with him, but I’d like to know a little more.

Anyway, I wasn’t really friends with Astian in middle or high school. We’d both gone to the same school district since kindergarten, but we never really talked to each other until what happened in fifth grade, which I don’t think I need to repeat because I remember you remembering that incident when I was still you.

My god, that was a trip to say, am I really just talking to myself? This is so weird. Um, getting back on topic, after fifth grade I guess you could say Astian and I were like acquaintances, but that might be pushing it. Uh, after we graduated we went to college in the same state, but our colleges were like two hours apart, so we didn’t really see each other.

I don’t know why Astian would erase me and him being best friends… or you and him I mean. Maybe he thought a boy and a girl being best friends during school wouldn’t make sense? That’s the only thing I can think of. I don’t know, it’s probably for the best if we don’t try to make sense of what was going on in that man’s head.

Either way, it all started the summer after we both graduated college. I went to a bar by myself one night, and it was fine. Nothing much happened. That was, until I was leaving.

So… you know how me and Astian first started talking to each other after he ‘saved’ me from some boy trying to cut my hair when we were 10? Well, apparently he really liked the idea of call backs, because he used the same idea for us to get together.

Except, this time he increased the steaks. This time it was a group of guys in all black pinning me to a wall, putting a knife up to my neck, and demanding I give them all my money.

I was terrified. In my head, I was going over everything that they could do to me. They could kill me, they could rape me, they could… blackmail me by threatening my friends or family, I had no idea what they had planned. I tried to cooperate as much as possible. I gave them my wallet and hoped for the best, they’d just take it and let me go.

…They didn’t let me go.

They kept the knife on my neck. I don’t know what more they wanted from me. So I closed my eyes and prayed that whatever they wanted to do they’d get done fast.

After a while though, I was let go. The person holding me down just went away. At least I thought they did. I heard some yelling, but I didn’t know what it was about until I turned around and saw someone attacking the muggers.

It was Astian, I recognized him. And I was shocked. I never expected that I’d see him again, but there he was, and he was saving me.

He was able to take all of them down, but after the fight was over he had suffered some serious stab wounds and needed to be taken to the hospital immediately. I called 911 and soon the paramedics got him to the ambulance. One of them called me over and handed me my wallet, which Astian said he wanted me to have. I thanked him

He’d risked his life for me, and saved me from whatever those men had planned, so I had to drive to the hospital the next day to see if he was okay. The doctors said he was recovering well, and a couple days later I even saw him in his hospital room. I thanked him for everything, and he just smiled and said, ‘that’s what good men do’.

That event kick started us seeing each other more, and soon we went on a date. He took me back to his apartment, which he had first moved into very recently, and… well we had sex. A lot of it.

I decided right then that I was going to start dating him, and I also decided that I needed to live with him. So I finally moved out of my parents’ house and settled in with Astian.

…I remember, every time I was with him, I felt safe. He would protect me, always. I was never in danger whenever he was around. After all, he did save me from some guys who pulled knives on me, how could I not feel safe with him?

And then, well, you know the rest. When I’m you it’s the things that happened before the transformation that I don’t know. You know how the story ends. Astian gets arrested and you get told your entire life was a lie. Astian made everything up.

And you know that, in the shock of it all, you don’t fully consider what that means. It’s not until much later when you finally realize that the way you two started dating was made up too. Astian specifically made up a scenario in which you were put in danger, where your life was threatened, where you could’ve possibly been raped, all to feed his ego and make himself look like a hero. He cared about the power fantasy more than he cared about you.

‘That’s what good men do’, fucking bite me.

The hardest thing to accept in all of this is that I only exist because of him. The only reason I’m here is because he killed you to make me.

If there’s just one thing you take away from this, please let it be this. It’s not your fault, Nathan. It’s not your fault what was done to you. Please don’t believe it was your fault. Astian was the one who did the spell, not you. And yes, that spell was done to you. I’m just the thing that came out of that. There’s nothing real or authentic about me.

When I see that eagle project of yours, I see something real. I see something that exists and has a real, tangible benefit to the world. When I see me, and everything I’ve done in my life, it’s all a bunch of fake stuff that didn’t benefit anyone. I’m not really that noteworthy and I’m working an office job. What do I have to show for myself?

…

“You know, it’s kind of funny when you grow up being told ‘you can’t let your life revolve around a man’ and ‘you can’t let yourself be defined through a man’. ‘You gotta stand up for yourself’, ‘you gotta be independent’. ‘When you’re a woman the world will try twice as hard to knock you down and you gotta be prepared to get back up’.

I remember my mom giving me talks like that a lot. She was one of those moms that liked to emphasize ‘girl power’ and all that. And I tried to follow that advice as best I could. For so long, I thought I was doing a good job.

Then I learn that my entire life was created by a man, that I was created for the pleasure of a man, that everything about me was a man’s doing. All my little quirks are him, not me. A man’s very own toy he crafted himself and can play with at any time. It’s… well, it’s… funny.

It’s very funny.”

Nathan heard the recording abruptly stop, with Natalie sounding like she was just barely holding it together. He remembered that pain exactly how she felt it. Because he experienced it too.

He had forgotten about Natalie’s past, but he remembered the hurt down to his bones. He didn’t need to watch the video to know that. In fact, he didn’t even need to watch the video at all to know anything said during it. He remembered it all very clearly. He couldn’t remember the memories happening to him, nor could he visualize them in his mind. But he knew what happened. He’d never forget what she said.

Nathan brought his cursor down to create a sticky note and began typing his message.

“Hi, Natalie. I don’t know if I’m just talking to myself either, but I heard you wanted me to tell you how Astian and I met. There isn’t much to say about it truthfully. We first started talking to each other in fifth grade because we both liked video games and were in Boy Scouts. We hung out a lot and soon we were best friends. That’s kind of it. It’s not a very interesting story, I know, but I never had an interesting life anyway. Before this transformation everything was pretty boring. I was pretty boring.”

Nathan saw small slivers of sunlight peeking up the horizon. The turn of the day was coming and with it, another shift. He decided this was the time to get up and out of bed, if only to get in the habit of not waking up extremely late.

He was about to leave the room before he looked back to the computer and saw the note on the screen. He read for what was likely the sixth time.

Then he went back to it and added something.

“You’re real, Natalie.”

He turned away and left the room.

It was another thrilling day of mixing paint. Natalie began her shift trying to avoid getting paint on herself but eventually she realized she was wasting her time and shouldn’t even bother. You can’t go to a paint job and not expect to get a little messy.

Kira and her still hadn’t talked yet, which was a shame because Kira seemed like a very nice lady. Good looking too, Natalie usually didn’t like unnatural hair colors but Kira made it work. Her violet hair somehow didn’t look out of place with a Home Depot uniform on. How did she manage that?

“Umm, Sir?”

Natalie jumped upon hearing that voice. She had gotten so lost in her own world. The voice also sounded very familiar. It almost sounded like…

Ashley’s voice.

Natalie turned toward the voice and was stunned to see Ashley right there in front of her.

“I was wondering if there were any soft yellows here, I can’t find any.”

Natalie just stared at Ashley, wide eyed and amazed.

She was… real.

“Sir?” Ashley asked.

Natalie shook herself out of her daze. “Sorry, all the soft yellows are out of stock. We could mix a soft yellow for you.”

“No, that’s fine.” Ashley answered. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Natalie said back. “What’s your name?” She asked before cringing.

Ashley gave her a confused look. “Umm… Ashley.” She paused for a second. “Have a good day.”

She turned and walked away as Natalie tried to cover her face in embarrassment. “What’s your name? Seriously?” She thought to herself. Did she not remember that Ashley didn’t know her in this reality? What was she planning on doing with that information anyway?

Natalie heard someone quietly laughing off to the side. She looked toward the source of the noise and saw Kira.

“Is something funny?” Natalie asked her.

“No, sorry.” Kira answered. “I was just being dumb.”

“You were being dumb.” Natalie scoffed. “No, you were watching someone being dumb.”

“It’s not a bad thing to ask someone what their name is.”

“She was a customer.” Natalie explained.

“So?” Kira asked. “What’s the problem?”

“It’s just a little embarrassing. I’m not supposed to do that.”

“And people aren’t ‘supposed’ to work at Home Depot. It was a perfectly fine thing to ask.”

“Alright, fine.” Natalie’s face turned into a smirk. “What’s your name?”

Kira smirked along with her. “It’s Kira, thank you very much. And your’s?”

“Nathan.” Natalie answered. She snickered. “This is so dumb.”

“Well, maybe we need a little stupidity in our lives. This job is really fucking boring.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Kira nodded and after a bit of silence, she began walking away. Natalie was thinking of going up to her and asking for her phone number, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

***

It was a good thing Nathan was starting to get used to these sudden switches, or else he probably would’ve caused an accident on the way back.

Inside his apartment, Nathan was spending the rest of his day doing his usual activities, or at least what used to be his usual activities. Sitting on a chair, eating a takeout pizza, and drinking red wine.

He hoped Natalie wouldn’t mind. He just wanted some comfort. It’s been a long time since he’s done this. And this pizza even had basil leaves on it. There wasn’t another pizza place anywhere near him that did that.

While watching a show on the TV, he heard his phone vibrate in his pocket and took it out, annoyed by the disturbance.

It was a text from his sister.

“Are you gonna visit us soon? We haven’t seen you in so long.”

He stared at his phone screen for about a minute, unable to come up with a response.

Another text came.

“We miss you.”

He sighed. “I know Kate, I miss you too.” He typed.

A third message quickly followed.

“Promise you won’t drink so much tonight?”

Nathan felt his heart stop upon reading that. He slowly turned his head toward the bottle of red wine resting on a small cabinet to his left. It was half empty at this point, it hadn’t even been ten minutes since he started drinking it.

He blinked and stared at the bottle, snapping out of his relaxed state. He turned back to his phone and promptly sent Kate another text. “I won’t, I promise.” He paused. “I love you.” He typed out.

He saw Kate quickly text “I love you too” back to him and put the phone back into his pocket. He turned off the TV and took the bottle of red wine back to the refrigerator, placing it right next to the potion. He slammed the door shut.

Then he threw the phone straight toward the nearest wall.

“Fuck me.” He mumbled quietly, looking at the dent the phone had created.

His back hit the wall and he slid to the ground, hitting the floor.

What in the world was he doing? Drinking again? What the hell did he think was going to happen? He didn’t have any control over himself, he’d just get shitfaced again and wake up with another horrible hangover as his liver got more fucked up than it probably already was. Why was it so hard for him to just, for once, think of someone other than himself and not fucking drink like he was going to die the next day?

“But I was going to control myself this time.” A part of his mind protested. “Just a little bit, that’s all.”

Yeah, that’s what he said last time too. For some mysterious reason, it didn’t work out.

He looked down at his shirt and smelled it. He cringed. He even smelled like alcohol, an all too common scent on him, and not just because he drank so much, but also because he very frequently spilled some of his drink on his clothes.

He laughed bitterly. He had only come back very recently and it did not take long at all for him to fall back onto his old, terrible habits. A night of getting so drunk he’d throw up was just something he had to share with Natalie.

…Shit, Natalie.

He lifted a hand to his forehead and immediately got dizzy. He quickly walked over to a couch and fell onto it, the cushions hitting his back. All the while his hand remained on his head.

It wasn’t bad enough that he hadn’t considered the feelings of his family. He hadn’t considered the feelings of Natalie either.

That same part of his mind from earlier protested again. “Natalie is twenty-four years old too, you know. She’s probably had a bad hangover before.”

That made sense. So much sense it almost made him forget how bad of an excuse it was. He wasn’t really trying to justify subjecting the person he shared his body and experiences with to his alcoholism was he?

Wait, no, he needed to get himself out of that mindset. Natalie and him were not different people, they were both part of the same consciousness. He was Natalie, and Natalie was him. The only difference was that sometimes he had his male memories and sometimes he had his female memories. Other than that, they were the same.

And they should be the same.

Nathan closed his eyes and tried to focus on himself being Natalie. How he had felt the short time he was living as her. All those scary thoughts he wanted to push away at first, he welcomed. Living as a woman, enjoying living as a woman, having sex as a woman, having breasts, having a vagina, having periods, he tried so hard to pull those experiences closer to him.

He actually felt his mind grow strained as his recollection of life as Natalie went from near empty to vaguely recognizable. Yes! It was working! He just needed to try harder. He pulled on these faint memories even more, and as he did he felt more of them come back stronger and stronger. He was exhausted but he didn’t care. He was doing it! He was making things the way they were supposed to be.

Nathan couldn’t do this without Natalie’s memories. He needed her, she was a much, much better person than he was.

Suddenly, all those memories escaped his reach and began fading away again. He panicked and strained his mind hard to get them back, but they didn’t budge an inch. Breathing heavily, he tried to concentrate on nothing except his life as Natalie, to think of literally nothing else, but obviously, it didn’t work. No one had that level of control over their mind.

Nathan’s eyes slowly opened back up, his heart rate and breathing as fast and as heavy as ever. He found he was sweating too, and he reached his hand up to wipe his forehead.

He was so close.

A tear fell from Nathan’s eyes. Once again, he couldn’t do a single thing right. Everytime he was in control of his life he messed it up like the drunk piece of shit coward he was. He drove everyone in his life away and became a lost cause before he was even in his late twenties. Every bad thing that happened to him was his fault, and he deserved it. He deserved all of it. He was a disgusting fucking college drop-out slob wasting around in an apartment by himself all day. He deserved everything Astian did to him. The only thing Astian did wrong was not fully erasing Nathan from existence.

He should’ve fucking died when-

Natalie suddenly saw herself standing up from the couch. She was massively disorientated, and had a pounding headache, but she tried her best to ignore it. She wanted to go to bed to sleep the miserable night off, but quickly found she couldn’t move her body an inch. She was frozen in place. Come to think of it, the couch she was just sitting on wasn’t behind her anymore. Where did it go?

At some point, she felt her body stumbling around the place completely out of her control. She wasn’t moving it, it was doing it all on its own. To make matters worse, she saw the apartment she was in was very different from her’s. It wasn’t remotely the same set up. What had happened? Where was she?

Her body walked into the kitchen of the apartment and her eyes caught a calendar on one of the walls. Her heart sank upon seeing it. She instantly recognized the month and year from the trial, just four months before Nathan got fired and had to move in with Astian.

Oh god.

Natalie felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. Her hand, still moving on its own, went to grab it.

“Hello?” She asked.

“Nathan!” Her little sister, Kate, exclaimed on the other end. “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.”

“Yeah, yeah sorry about that.” Natalie responded. “I’ve been uh… busy from stuff.”

“So busy you can’t see us?”

“No, I didn’t mean that I…”

“Oh my god, Nathan.” Kate interrupted. “Are you drunk?”

“What? Of course not.” Natalie tried to reassure her.

“You are drunk!” Kate shot back. “Why are you drinking? You promised you’d stop.”

“I- I know I did, I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“Yeah, that’s what you said last time too.”

“Kate, listen to me. I’ll really try this time, I’ll even stop by to visit.”

“You also said that last time. You didn’t visit us. It was Christmas and you didn’t visit.”

“I…” Natalie was at a loss for words.

“Mom and Dad have been worried sick about you. We all have. How long are you gonna keep doing this?”

“Kate, I didn’t mean to-”

“You never mean to, Nathan. But somehow it always happens.”

Natalie went quiet.

“How many people do you even talk to?”

Natalie remained unresponsive.

“Goodbye Nathan.” Kate said.

The call ended, before Natalie even had the chance to say goodbye back.

She slowly brought the phone down as her back hit the wall. Sliding down to the floor, she looked at her face through the black screen of her phone, seeing firsthand just how rough and dirty it was. Greasy skin that stunk of alcohol paired with a beard that wasn’t even big but still looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in months. She was a real wreck.

Had Kate been too harsh on the phone? She seemed particularly derisive that night, but at the same time, maybe she was right to be angry. She was dealing with a man who dropped out of college to pursue a dead end career and an alcohol addiction. A man who never came over to visit and rarely checked in with them. Hell, if she was her she’d be pissed too.

What was that Kate was saying about her not talking to anyone? That couldn’t have been right, she talked to plenty of people. There was…

Natalie was stumped. She tried racking her brain for anyone she might have had a real conversation with. She couldn’t think of anyone.

Well… there was at least Astian. They still talked a bit. But at this point, Natalie barely knew anything about him or what he was doing with his life. Where did he work? Who were his friends? Was he seeing anyone? She didn’t have a clue.

It’s not like she wasn’t trying to talk to people. Okay, most of the time she wasn’t trying, but she did sometimes. It was just that she was really bad at sounding like a person someone would want to talk to. She was bad at starting conversations and worse at maintaining them. She hardly even talked to her coworkers. It was like they didn’t know her.

Plus, the mere thought of talking to other people made her extremely nervous. It wasn’t normal for her, it took effort that most people didn’t have to do.

In a fit of rage, Natalie threw her phone against the wall.

And yet, despite all of her problems, her parents and sister still believed in her enough to worry about her.

Natalie stood up, ignoring the oncoming headache, and walked to the window and watched the rain pour down from the night sky.

They shouldn’t.

***

Natalie stumbled out of her apartment holding a half empty wine bottle. She took a swig of it then clumsily stepped out into the cold rain. The shock of the rain hitting her skin made her trip and almost fall face first into pavement, but she caught herself just in time.

Seeing the unbroken wine bottle in her right hand, she realized just how lucky she was. That could’ve easily broken and caused shards to cut into her organs. She could’ve killed herself right there!

She slowly stood up and tossed the wine bottle into the nearest trash can. Staring to her left, she saw the park situated a little down the road from her apartment. It was sure to be empty by now. She did her best to walk to the bench standing in front of it, though keeping focus on her task wasn‘t easy. She was so shitfaced most of her thoughts were jumbled nonsense. And the rain was cold. So, so cold.

She eventually made it close to the bench, and when she could see it clearly she quickly began running. A big mistake, as she immediately tripped and fell face first into a large puddle in the grass.

Now entirely wet, she raised her head up, and looked forward to the bench. She was about to stand up until she felt her stomach groan and her mouth salivate.

“Oh god.” She whispered.

Suddenly, she vomited into the puddle. She couldn’t tell what color it was or how thick it was, and she was happy she couldn’t. The cold rain constantly hitting her skin only made her forceful gagging even worse. At some point she wasn’t sure if she was vomiting because she was drunk or because she was cold.

When she was finally done, she rolled over onto a relatively dry part of the grass, using her hands to hold her stomach and block the rain from her eyes.

What the hell was she doing out here? What was she planning on doing when she got here? Why did she want to get to the bench? Whatever the answers were for these questions, she didn’t know.

God, the grass was so cold.

She looked up to the bench and saw how wet it was. It looked about as drenched as her clothes. Would it even be that much better to lay on?

She needed to get back inside and find some warm clothes, fast.

She raised her head with her elbows and bent her knees upward. She was halfway through pushing herself up when she stopped.

Go back inside and get in warm clothes for what? So she could continue to burden her family by making them constantly worry about some miserable drunk asshole? Every single time she promised them she would get better, she failed. In every sense of the term, she was a let-down, putting a ton of work onto her family that she knew she would never be able to handle herself.

How cold was it? A couple degrees above freezing? She remembered reading that it was forty-something on her phone.

She let her head fall back down onto the grass, not bothering to care about the pain resulting from it. She took out her right hand from her stomach and opened its palm, catching the rain drops as they fell. It didn’t take long for it to become soaked, as it was raining very, very hard.

However cold it was, it was cold enough.

She knew the reason why she came out here, she needed to admit it to herself.

This was something she should’ve gotten done a long time ago. She wished she would’ve done it earlier, back in her college years even, so she wouldn’t have to see the mess she’d turn into.

Better late than never, though.

She had made up her mind. Tonight was the night she was going to do it. She imagined herself doing this on so many days before, even going so far as to make a plan for how and when she would do it. But it never ended up happening, either out of fear or lack of willpower.

She just couldn’t do it.

This was different. Getting back to her apartment would be very hard, and she was ensuring that she wouldn’t be able to do it.

She was finally doing it for real.

She shivered as more and more rain hit her body and she felt herself get colder. She didn’t know how long it would take. Her hope was that she could just fall asleep and that would be it.

That hope died when she had to throw up again.

This time was even more forceful than the last. Her body was clearly not liking what it was being put through.

She’d never been so cold before.

She waited for the point when her vision started going black, but it never came. No, her body wanted to wait and make her suffer more.

So this was how she was going to die, slowly and painfully.

Frankly, it was what she deserved.

***

Some time during the night, Natalie was finally made unconscious. She didn’t remember when it happened or what exactly she was feeling before it, all she knew is that once she woke up, she wasn’t hurting anymore. Everything was numb at this point. She tried moving her hands and legs, but found she was too weak to get up.

At that, a switch flipped inside her head.

What the hell was she doing? She didn’t want to die!

She tried standing up again, in a panic this time, but it still wasn’t working. Soon, she felt her vision begin fading to black.

Oh god, was she actually going to die? She wasn’t ready to, she still had so much that she wanted to do. “Please don’t die, please don’t die”, she begged to herself.

The last thing she saw before blacking out again was herself being carried off by some figure and a ton of lights shining nearby. She couldn’t tell what they were saying, but they looked scared.

***

The next time she awoke, Natalie found herself being hauled into an ambulance. The figures around her were talking a lot, but she couldn’t make out what they were saying, nor what they were doing. Everything was such a blur.

She was shivering. It was still so cold.

Her vision began closing in.

***

Natalie saw a bunch of lights shining down at her. It was so bright she was forced to squint. It hurt to look at.

She saw that she was still laying down, with covers over her, and there was still a horde of people around her. They were moving fast, quick at work, but she still couldn’t tell what they were doing or saying.

Her vision faded again.

***

Incessant murmuring hit Natalie’s ears and she turned to the source of the noise. She hadn’t realized she was up again. There were two people there, talking about something. Their voices felt closer to her than the ones she was hearing before. The room felt warmer too.

Natalie wrapped her arms around herself.

It still wasn’t warm enough.

***

The fourth time Natalie woke up, she felt something being put on her head, moving around in a circle. She then felt whatever it was being taken off.

“His temperature has increased a lot.” She heard someone say.

She felt more relieved than she had in weeks. She hadn’t heard a voice that clear in far too long.

She noticed the window outside, and just before she blacked out again, she saw that the sky looked much brighter than before, with the clouds parting.

***

When Natalie awoke for the final time, she was able to see the sun fully shining in the sky, a huge breath of fresh air for her. The rain was gone, the clouds were gone, it looked beautiful outside.

She wasn’t sure how long she was alone in the hospital room for, or whether it felt long or short, but nevertheless she did feel a sense of relief when her nurse finally came into her room.

Natalie’s nurse exchanged some kind words with her, saying she gave all the doctors a real scare, and that the person who first called the ambulance on her was extremely freaked out.

“Your body temperature was at ninety-two degrees when we found you.” She said. “You’re at ninety-six now, if everything goes well we can release you tomorrow. Isn’t that great?”

It was great. Everything was great. Natalie had lived, the sun was up, the day was warm, and her family could rest knowing that she was alive. Nothing bad ended up happening.

It was so great, in fact, that she needed to go to the bathroom, just so she could take in how great it was.

She walked into the small room, switched on the light, and went to the mirror to check in on her face.

And then she threw up in the sink.

She looked horrible, smelled horrible, her arms hadn’t even stopped shaking from the cold.

And she couldn’t stop sobbing.

Oh god, what had she done? What was wrong with her? No, this couldn’t have been real. This… this had to be a bad dream.

Natalie shook her head, gaining control of her own mind again. She’d seen enough. She wanted out! Please, someone let her out!

And to her relief, someone did. Just like she was waking from a bad dream, she felt her head twitch and her body’s gravity suddenly get thrown off. For a moment it was as if she was simultaneously standing up and laying down. It didn’t take long before she felt like she was entirely laying down.

Looking around her, Natalie saw that she was in her living room again, lying down on the couch. She checked the time on the clock, 4:08 AM. She checked the date on a calendar on the wall. It was the same date it was before she switched to Natalie.

She raised her hands to touch her chest. When she felt that it was flat, she confirmed that she was still Nathan.

Natalie turned her head over in her bed, tears coming out from her eyes.

She already had to live through her own suicide, why did she have to live through Nathan’s?

It was a huge relief Natalie already had off that day. She didn’t think she had the strength to even call off, not after last night.

Natalie spent most of her morning laying around in her bedroom, blankly staring up toward the ceiling. By lunchtime, she needed to clear her mind, so she decided to take a walk outside down the sidewalk. It was a nice, sunny day out, something she desperately needed. It felt good, being in the fresh air.

As she walked in front of all the houses and yards, she saw a mother and a father taking their extremely young daughter out for a walk on the other side. Her parents used to do that for her too, all the way back before she was even double digits. She loved it so much, back then.

Why did every memory have to be so painful?

Her life had been perfect. With her job she could really get somewhere, and climb up to higher and higher positions. Her family loved her, she was going to marry an amazing man, live in a big house, and maybe have some children one day.

Now none of that felt real.

She still couldn’t help the extreme envy she felt whenever she looked at other women. Actually no, not ‘other women’, just women. Seeing them only made it clear that they were real women, and she was not.

***

After all the stretches of suburbs and roads was a large bridge, with a wide and slow moving river beneath it. Natalie walked up to it and laid her arm on the railing, admiring the river. It was very blue today, and very pretty.

She missed feeling pretty.

She was missing the weirdest things recently. Breasts, for instance. She never imagined she’d miss having them, and yet, here she was, walking around every day with her flat chest leaving her an empty feeling in the physical and metaphorical sense. It was almost like her mind was telling her she was missing being a woman, and that just couldn’t have been right.

It wasn’t so bad, being a man. There was such a huge list of positives. Like… that she was taller, for one. She could easily reach things she never could as Natalie. She was also stronger, it was a lot easier to lift heavy objects than before.

…No periods, that was definitely a positive too. Also, she hasn’t gotten much sexual harassment recently, not nearly as much as when she was Natalie. Really, there were just so, so many upsides about being a man that she couldn’t even count them all.

Surely there were enough to make her head shut up.

How long was she planning on staying a man, anyway?

She shook her head, what a horrible question. It implied that her being a man was something that had an endpoint. It didn’t, it was just her reality. And she’d be willing to bet her life that Nathan wouldn’t appreciate her thinking about how much she hated being a man.

She laid her head down on the railing at that thought.

What was she going to do about Nathan? About… her?

Well, if she wanted to get anywhere, the first thing that needed to change immediately was her not being assertive enough. She needed to make up her mind, know what she wanted, and then act on it.

Nathan was not a different person, and it was beyond time to stop thinking of him as if he was. “Nathan” was just her with the memories of her male life. She was him, and he was her. That was how she wanted things to be, how they had to be if they wanted to get anywhere.

Because she knew for a fact that Nathan did not like thinking of her as a different person, and she felt the same toward him.

When she began backing away from the bridge, she felt her memories shift again, and he was Nathan. He wanted to convince himself that he was still Natalie, but he was never good at lying to himself.

They couldn’t be the same, not like this.

They needed to find some way to bring their memories together.

***

Nathan switched back to Natalie before he got back to the apartment, a blessing for him and a curse for her.

It was like neither of them wanted to be in control anymore.

Sitting on the couch, with the potion in her hand, she brainstormed what she could do to bring their memories together. Trying to force them back together like what she did as Nathan was obviously not going to work, so she needed to find an alternative solution.

She shut her eyes and leaned back. What was she supposed to do? A part of her actually wanted to try again and force the memories together, even if she knew it wasn’t going to work. It was the easy answer, after all, and guaranteed to fail. She guessed that meant her mind or soul or whatever was keeping her and Nathan’s memories apart wanted them to solve this problem the hard way.

But what was the hard way?

She thought back to when she wrote that sticky note as Nathan, when her male half and female half actually tried to communicate with each other. It went well… at least until she accidentally ripped up the note. She was still feeling guilty about that.

Wait, that was it! Communication! She and Nathan just had to talk to each other, in some way. Air out their grievances and come to some kind of mutual agreement. Then they might finally come together again, as one.

But how was she going to do that? Was she supposed to just… talk to herself? No, it had to be more involved than that. She could try writing notes again, but after what she did before, that idea had sort of soured on her.

What about recording herself talking? That worked pretty well when she did it a few days ago. Maybe that was the answer. Then when she was Nathan, she could respond and give his thoughts, and the process could continue until they finally reached some kind of agreement.

That sounded like a great idea. In fact, she should get started right now.

She ran to her bedroom and booted up the computer, ready to record her grievances for the second time. And hopefully, for many more times to come.

Nathan and Natalie alike made sure to make good on that hope, every time a new switch occurred. When recording on a computer became too inconvenient for them, a file of the increasingly long video was sent to their phone. They could then record their speeches on their drives, on their breaks, anywhere they wanted.

A few days had passed since they started, and still, neither of them had a clue if they were getting somewhere or not. They assumed whatever they were doing was still better than nothing. Being able to talk to the one person who could ever understand their problems, it had to do something.

Nathan was holding his phone right in front of him in the dark of the night, having just finished his newest recording session. He was tired, a long day of working had just passed, and he wanted to go to sleep.

He was afraid to go to sleep.

He figured that listening to the recording would make him feel better, so that’s what he did. He pressed play on his phone, hoping just hearing the conversation play out would be enough to soothe him.

“Natalie: Hey Nathan, I wanted to talk to you again. This is the best way I could think of to do that, and I’d like to keep doing it, if you don’t mind.

Of course, you already know what I’m doing because of the whole… two lives thing… so I guess I didn’t need to tell you.

…Actually, you know what? How about we pretend, just for the sake of it, that we really are different people here, okay? I talk about my issues, you talk about yours, and we act like we don’t already know them. Like we haven’t felt them or experienced them or anything like that. The fact that I am telling you this plan as if you don’t already know it means we’ve already started doing that. Is that good with you? Yes? Good.

Well, to start things off… I’m not sure how I should say this, but being a man is starting to feel like work. It’s just not feeling normal, and I want to feel normal. I don’t even know what that means, it was the only thing I could think of to say, because what I’m feeling right now, I don’t think I can really explain.

I kind of thought that, while being a man, I’d be happy about the good things that came with it. But the novelty of those things actually wore off pretty quickly, and the only thing I’ve been thinking about now is how I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life like this. And I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about that.

I want to live my life the way I’m supposed to. I’m supposed to be Nathan, I have to be Nathan. ‘Natalie’ isn’t real, I know this is my true reality. But it’s becoming harder to accept that every day. It’s so much to handle, and one day I worry I’m gonna crack.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about lately. I’ll be stopping the recording here. Hope I see you soon.

Bye.

Nathan: Hey Natalie, I heard what you said. Well, actually I remembered what you said and… oops, I slipped up. Different people, we’re different people.

Anyway, Natalie, it’s okay to admit you don’t like being me. I totally get it, actually. You were a successful woman, and now you’re suddenly put in the life of a very, very pathetic man. Yeah I know I sound bitter, but to be blunt… Nathan wasn’t that great of a guy.

You’ve seen those memories too, right? Is Nathan Parker someone who's worth remembering? He wasn’t a very good person… I wasn’t a very good person.

When I think of myself, all I can see is a man, alone in his apartment, shoving alcohol down his throat. And then waking up the next morning and throwing up in the toilet. I didn’t even have a reason for not talking to my family anymore, it just happened, just like how my drinking problem and dropping out of college just happened. Really, when have I ever helped the world out by existing? Everyone and everything seemed better when I was Natalie.

…I guess I talked about my problems too much and didn’t focus on yours. Umm, sorry.

I’m not sure how I would solve being me as not feeling ‘normal’. Maybe you could try not thinking about it? …No, I don’t think that would work. Maybe you could try it though.

But I think maybe you should just admit to yourself that you liked being you. There’s no shame in that. You were a much better person than me.

I hope that helped somewhat. Umm, I’ll be going then, bye.

Natalie: No, please don’t feel bad about talking about your problems, that’s why we’re doing this, after all.

You put yourself down way too much. I’ve met some awful people in my time, you’re not one of them. You were a good man, Nathan, twenty-four years is only a fraction of your life, you deserved to live it fully.

I remember when I was you, you thought that you deserved what happened to you. And I can’t just not bring that up.

Nathan, don’t tell yourself those things, don’t think those things about yourself. You have as much of a right to exist as anyone else in this world. No one deserved what happened to you. And I can say that because I know everything he did to you. Everything that he did to you, he did to me too.

You were killed, Nathan, killed to make me, and that’s why I can’t be Natalie. Because every time I think about being Natalie, I think about being… his. I don’t want to be his, and I don’t want to think about him, but I can’t stop myself.

I know, I should admit that I don’t like being you, and don’t like being a man. And I will. I shouldn’t keep lying to myself and saying that I do like it. I don’t think being a man is something I’ll ever be completely fine with. I don’t think it’ll ever feel normal, not the way being a woman did. There’s always going to be some things about being a woman that I’ll miss. But, I just… can’t go back, Nathan. The alternative is so much worse.

If I go back to being Natalie, all I’d think about is being his servant. A girl who he shows around as if he owns her. And he’d be right to, because he did own me. I was his personal perfect girlfriend, his own little sex slave. I was his creation. He wanted a girl who could never say no to him. If I go back to being Natalie, I feel like I’ll be… validating what he wanted.

When I think about my life… I just get disgusted because I know it was all fake. None of that shit happened. He made it up. I never should’ve been made, never should’ve existed. The only reason I’m here is the same reason why a man is in prison for twenty-five years. It’s stuff like this that makes me wish I had pulled the trigger that night.

…Sorry, I got carried away there. I didn’t mean I’d actually… I’d never want to kill you.

I remember you asking how the world was made better by you existing. Well, how about that eagle project of yours? The announcement building on the baseball field at our high school. That wasn’t in my reality, you were never there to build it. That’s a tangible way you made the world a better place.

It’s much more than what I’ve done.

Nathan: Why does it matter where you come from? There’s a lot of people in this world whose birth came from a bad history. Why should it matter? What’s the point in dwelling on it? They exist now, and that’s all that matters.

I remember you saying how you felt awful when you learned that you were created by a man, but is that really how you’re going to think of yourself? How you’re going to think of your whole life? You have a unique life full of accomplishments that you really put the work in for. You made a ton of friends and had a family that cared about you. You worked hard to keep your life in order. And you’re just going to attribute all of that to him? This man told you… told us that we were his sex slave and you just believe him?

Kate, our mom, and dad actually like you, they don’t like me. They kept worrying about how badly I was messing up my life. I can’t blame them for that, I was ruining my future, just like I ruin everything.

You told me to stop putting myself down so much, to stop thinking I deserve what he did to me, and to stop saying awful things about myself. You know that goes for you too.

Natalie: You don’t get it. All that work was him, not me. I know you know how I feel about this, but you just can’t get it unless you’re me. I am not a real person. The way I act, the way I think, the way I walk, even the way I’m talking right now is probably his doing. It’s not like I can just ‘get over’ every part of me being fake.

Do you even understand what he did? Nathan, when he was grabbing your ass without your consent, making comments about your body and how you look even after you told him to stop. When he made you want to lay on his shoulder? When he made you want him? It made you feel gross, didn’t it? I know it did because I felt the same way when he did all that too.

Are you afraid of what we’re going to have to relive once we fall asleep again? Are you afraid of everything he made you… us do that we don’t know about yet?

That’s my theory about the man we keep seeing right before we fall asleep. I used to think it was you, but I don’t think so anymore. He’s what we don’t want to see, but have to.

I know for a fact that you hate seeing him as much as I do.

Nathan: You’re right, I do hate seeing him. I hate seeing anything that reminds me of what we’re doing right now, what we still have to do to stay sane. I wish our life wasn’t like this. I just want all these problems to go away. I want to move on, I hate thinking about this stuff.

I want to be whole again. With my memories like this, I feel like I’m living half a life. I hate that, I need you with me.

I can’t do this alone.

…I’m scared.”

And that was where the recording ended.

Nathan shut off his phone and set it aside, pulling up his covers and staring at the dark ceiling.

He was still as scared as he was when he said those words in the recording.

“I’m scared.”

Over three weeks had passed since they first returned to this reality. At this point, the potion was almost empty, not even a quarter of it was left. Soon it’d be back to daily nightmares. Having to experience the next awful thing on the list Astian made him do.

God, just thinking that name made him shiver.

He lied in his bed waiting for his fear to subside. It never happened. It didn’t happen when he was fighting back heavy eyelids and it didn’t happen when he actually saw the increasingly transparent man looking out the window just before he fell asleep.

He wanted to say he was prepared for anything one of these memories could show him. That he was over being afraid. But he wasn’t.

Whatever he was about to see, he wasn’t ready for.

Right in the middle of playing a game, Nathan heard his phone vibrate. Annoyed, he paused and picked it up, going straight to his texts.

He saw a message from Kate.

“Hi, just wanted to check in.” It said.

He put his phone up to his chest, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. He forgot the last time he received a message from her. From what he remembered, she hadn’t tried to talk to him since…

He shook his head. No, he didn’t want to think about that.

He brought his phone back out, opening his eyes and staring down at the message as if entranced.

“Hey.” He typed back.

The next message came almost instantly.

“Is everything alright over there?” Kate asked.

“Not at all”, Nathan wanted to say, but Kate didn’t need to know about that. Talking about all his bizarre bodily changes made him sound insane even to himself.

“Everything is fine.” Nathan said.

“What’s it like living with Astian?”

“Good question”, Nathan thought. What was it like living with Astian? He could hardly sum it up himself. A lot of the time, it was just like living alone, except there was someone else to talk to for a couple hours. Other times, it was like he was in high school again, hanging out with his best friend and winding down after a hard day of classes.

But sometimes, it was weird.

The occasional comments Astian gave him made him feel uncomfortable. To make matters worse, even after he told him they made him uncomfortable, Astian still kept making them. Oh, he stopped for a while, but the moment he thought he could get away with it, he started them up again.

And that wasn’t even what made Nathan feel most uncomfortable. That honor had to go to how he was now almost encouraging Astian to make these comments. That night when he caught himself resting on Astian’s shoulder was bad enough on its own. But as of late, those kinds of accidents were still happening.

There was this one time when Nathan was walking up to Astian to demand he put his sister’s clothes away like he said he would. But right before Nathan said anything, Astian smiled and told him “you know, your pout is really cute.”

And Nathan blushed. Not only did he blush, but he turned his head away and, just for a second, he smiled. He actually smiled at the idea of being called cute, by Astian.

“Were you going to say something?” Astian asked.

In a daze, Nathan shook his head and mumbled some incoherent nonsense not even he could understand. He then went back to his bedroom and put away all of the clothes himself, not once questioning why he was doing that so willingly. Whenever his daze ended, he wasn’t even frustrated. He couldn’t process how he reacted.

Another time, Nathan was sitting at the dining room table, eating breakfast and staring at Astian. He didn’t know why he was staring, but for some reason he could not take his eyes off him. The second Nathan caught his eyes sliding down to Astian’s body, he forced them away.

What the fuck was he doing?

If it weren’t for all this Nathan would’ve marched straight to Astian and told him to cut the comments. But with that kind of egging on, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Even just thinking about telling Astian to knock it off made him feel bad, like he was being cruel. He didn’t want to hurt Astian, he was just teasing. At least Nathan hoped he was.

The weirdest thing about Astian’s comments is that they all felt completely earnest. They were nothing like the common teasing guys often give each other. No, it felt like Astian was genuinely complimenting him. And whenever he did, Nathan responded like some lovestruck teenager talking to a crush, which he knew because he talked to his crushes like that back then.

So why was he talking to Astian like that? Did he see Astian as his…

No, he was not going there.

Did Kate need to know all of this? It’d probably be better if she didn’t, so Nathan simply typed “it’s been alright, it’s nice to be around another person”, and hit send.

Nathan had to wait a bit longer for Kate’s second message, but it came quick enough. It read “okay, please visit us if anything is wrong, we’d really like to see you”.

Nathan smiled and put his phone down. He turned back to his game and was about to unpause it but decided to get up and stretch his legs instead. He’d been sitting in that chair for hours, he needed a break.

He walked in front of his mirror and inspected himself. Thankfully, not much had changed. His face still looked weird, his hair was still down to the bottom of his neck, and his nipples were still sore and swollen, but nothing more had changed. He still looked like the same old Nathan, and hopefully he’d stay like that.

He frowned, why did he have to hope things wouldn’t change? That should just be a given. Also, “he still looked like the same old Nathan”? Could he even say that?

He put his hand to his face and rubbed through it. He was going mad. He smelled like he was going mad. When was the last time he showered?

He lifted his arm and sniffed his armpit. Yeah, he could use a shower.

He made his way over to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet to pee. He sat down because peeing standing up hadn’t been feeling right recently, probably because of the drops of pee that could get on the floor. This was just cleaner.

Nathan stepped into the shower, the water hitting him feeling like it was burning away the stink on his skin. As he was slathering himself with soap, he noticed something odd.

Well, he noticed another thing odd. His skin was very soft.

Nathan had never been someone who gave any attention to skincare, and he knew damn well he hadn’t been using any skin products since he moved in here. But in spite of all of that, his skin remained smooth, like silk.

The constant changes had made Nathan hypersensitive to everything. If this had happened a month ago, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed. He sorely missed the days when he could be that oblivious.

He looked down at his body, taking in his swelling chest, his soft skin, and his growing hair. Being in the shower like this, he could finally confirm that yes, he had definitely gotten shorter. Not by much, but he was sure this shower head was closer to his head a few weeks ago. Was that what the colored feces was about? Was he literally shitting out his body mass?

He rinsed off the soap from his body, and as he did he noticed something else concerning. Each time he rinsed off a part of his body, the hair just… came off.

Shocked, he immediately grabbed his head to make sure no hair came off. Thankfully, none did, but the same was not true for the rest of his body. His pits, his arms, his legs, his chest, even his genitals, they all yielded the same result. They were scrubbed clean of hair. If they weren’t smooth before, they certainly were now. From head to toe, his skin was flawless, in both texture and appearance.

What the hell was going on now? His body hair becoming lighter and harder to see was weird enough, but body hair isn’t supposed to just… come off like that. That’s not how hair works. It doesn’t come off, not all at once. Unless something is seriously wrong with you, which is clearly the case here.

Nathan looked behind him and was able to confirm he was hairless from his backside too. It was funny, looking at himself like this, without his penis visible, he kind of looked like one of those girls at the beach who wore those really short bikinis, without the bikini that is.

Nathan froze in place at that thought, his mind feeling like it was simultaneously running a thousand miles a minute and standing still.

…Hold on…

He went through every single change that had been happening to him the past two and a half weeks, trying to see if there was some pattern to decipher. It started with him losing his facial hair, which never ended up growing back. Then it was his body hair, which became lighter and thinner. As the days passed, his arms grew thinner, his hands and feet grew smaller, his hair began creeping down the back of his neck, his nipples and chest swelled, his body shrank, and his skin softened.

And now, his body hair had completely come off.

His mind went back to his face. For days he had known something was different about it, but he was never able to define what exactly it was. It had long caused him deep frustration. To know something had changed about his face, but not having any clue what it was or if it was even there. It can drive a man insane.

Nathan stepped out of the shower and looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. He leaned in, analyzing every last detail on his face. It didn’t take long before, finally, he was able to tell what about it had changed.

The skin on his face had become softer, but it was more than just that. His nose was smaller, and his eyes were bigger. The rough edges of his face appeared rounded out, creating a more gentle look overall.

That’s when it hit him.

Was he… turning into a woman?

His immediate instinct was to say “no, of course not, that’s absurd!” And it was absurd. People don’t just change sex like that on a dime. That was something that happened in movies, not real life.

But to deny what he was seeing right in front of him felt even more absurd than the idea itself.

Oh god, was he really turning into a woman? Why? How does a man suddenly find himself changing sexes? Has this ever happened before? It had to have, right? It didn’t make sense for this to be the only time in history a man turned into a woman. Could he talk to someone about this? What was he supposed to do?

He found his breath growing heavy and his legs getting weak. To try and relieve himself, he laid face down on the shower mat. He felt like he was about to have a panic attack.

“No no, calm down. Please calm down.” He said to himself. “Please… I don’t want Astian to see me like this.”

He saw the corners of his vision fade to black, and soon after the rest of his vision began to follow. He shut his eyes and tried to ward off his growing discomfort, praying that Astian wouldn’t find his soaked naked body passed out on the ground. He didn’t want anyone else to know about this.

“Please… please calm down.”

Nathan let his head fall to the mat and turned his body over. Staring up at the ceiling light, he tried once more to calm himself down.

And he failed.

***

The sound of water hitting the shower floor rang incessantly in Nathan’s ears. It was annoying, so annoying. Whatever was causing this noise he so badly wanted to hit, just so it would shut up and leave him alone. He reached out with his right arm, and…

…Oh right, the shower water.

He withdrew his arm and rubbed his face, tired and confused. God, what was he thinking about before he passed out? Something about turning into a woman? What an insane thing to think. Men don’t just turn into women, that’s-

He looked down at his body.

“Oh…” He said aloud to himself.

***

Nathan anxiously paced around his bedroom, making the same exact trek several times a minute: up, down, up, down, up, down.

So, he was turning into a woman. He’d be stupid to deny that at this point.

But why? How?

Did he have some kind of hormonal imbalance? Did his testosterone and estrogen levels get out of whack? That was a thing that could happen, right? Men get a little too many female hormones in their system and their bodies get all girly. That would certainly explain his skin and chest, probably his face and arms too.

But what was the source of the imbalance? There needed to be a source right? This wasn’t something that just happened. Well, maybe it could… but even if it did, that wouldn’t explain his hair, or his height. No hormonal imbalance could make his body mass come out his ass.

So what was causing this? Magic? Yeah, sure, that made sense. Except… it kind of did, didn’t it?

Nathan went in front of his bedroom mirror, grabbing its sides and staring into the eyes of his reflection. He thought he saw a tear form in his left eye, but it was gone after he blinked.

Nothing was happening to him, he was being paranoid. He just needed some sleep, to do anything to calm down before he went mad. It wasn’t too late to save his sanity.

The room went dark. A wave of fear swept across Nathan’s body.

Just go to sleep and everything will be better come morning, that’s what his mind told him. Nathan sighed and smiled in relief. There, now he felt better.

He slapped his face. “No, get a hold of yourself!” He thought. He wasn’t about to lose. He was a fighter! He needed to fight this!

Putting his focus in front of him again, Nathan stared into the mirror, confused and horrified.

There was something very wrong going on, he was sure of it. His reflection was not what it was supposed to be. He needed to call for help or get away from whatever was causing this, fast.

“You’re just imagining things.” Something in his head told him. “Nothing is wrong, you’ve always been like this.”

Had he? It was hard to tell with how conflicted and confused his mind was right now. It felt as if foreign thoughts he would never usually have kept forcing their way inside, and he was powerless to stop it.

“Everything is fine.” He was told once more. “Nothing is happening to you.”

Nathan took a relaxed breath as he immediately calmed down. Yeah, that sounded right, he thought. He was getting all worked up over nothing. What was he even upset about in the first place? He couldn’t remember.

No, no, NO! Something was definitely wrong! Was he blind to what was going on right before his eyes? He needed to do something, right now!

Every time he realized that something was wrong, his mind kept pulling him back. Always telling him that he was mistaken, and that there was nothing to be afraid of. Always making him forget what it was he finally realized. It needed to stop. This couldn’t keep happening.

Nathan stood in the darkness, unable to make sense of any of the confusion plaguing his mind. Suddenly, he heard the sound of a door opening. He turned his head toward the noise and saw a dark figure making slow, ominous footsteps toward him.

When the figure came into view, Nathan saw it smile.

“You should be proud. You’ve turned out so well…”

Nathan woke with a gasp, in an all too familiar cold sweat. Sitting up, he clutched his chest with his right hand as he looked around in the darkness.

He reached up with his left hand, gripping his hair, pulling it.

“Please no more memories.” He begged. “Please, I can’t take anymore.”

He let go of his hair and turned over in his bed, seeing his phone on the floor. It must have dropped during the night. He picked it up and turned it on, his mind immediately going to his messages app. He pressed on the icon and the first thing he was greeted with was the conversation he had with Kate a few days ago.

He needed to see her again.

Nathan ran a hand through his hair, organizing it, straightening it, all while looking into his phone camera, just to make sure he looked presentable. He’d been doing this since he first rang the doorbell, which had to have been minutes ago at this point.

He put his hands in his pockets nervously. What was taking them so long? He didn’t want to drive all the way to his parent’s house for forty-five minutes only to learn that his family didn’t trust him anymore. They couldn’t have given up on him that quickly. Didn’t he deserve a chance? If it were them, he would’ve-

The front door opened, and in the doorway stood Mrs. Parker, Nathan’s mother.

Tears built up in Nathan’s eyes. It’d been so long since he’d seen her face. He almost forgot what it looked like.

Mrs. Parker was about to say something, but she was cut off by Nathan hugging her.

“I’m sorry.” He said, sniffling through tears.

Mrs. Parker was shocked, but nevertheless returned the hug.

“Nathan, I… what are you sorry about?”

“Everything.” He said. “I’m sorry about… drinking. I’m… sorry about… not see…ing you. I’m sorry about… making you… worry about… me. I’m sor…ry I turned my life… to shit. I’m-”

“Nathan.” She interrupted. “Why would we be mad at you?”

He didn’t respond, he didn’t know how.

“We’re not mad at you.”

“Dissa…pointed?”

“No, we just wanted to help you.” She answered. “We still love you, you know. I was worried you forgot.”

Nathan gripped onto his mother tightly, his sobs not stopping for a second.

“I did.”

***

Sitting in his old favorite chair in the living room, Nathan could smell the exact same smell he remembered from his childhood. The wooden floors were still emitting the same subtle wood scent, even after all these years.

What a way to welcome him back.

It was odd that the old house didn’t quite feel like “home” anymore. Nathan guessed he’d been away from it for too long. Though being inside did make him feel like a kid again. Pretty hard not to feel that way when he cried to his mother as a twenty-four year old man.

Yeah, that was kind of embarrassing. But maybe he just needed to see her in person again.

Mrs. Parker came back out into the living room. “The others won’t be here for a couple hours. Your dad’s out watching some orchestra and-”

“Dad’s watching an orchestra?” Nathan asked. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Mrs. Parker took a seat on the couch across from Nathan’s chair. “He was talking about it for a while. He wanted me to go too, but I can’t stand the noise.”

“I get that.” Nathan agreed. “What’s Kate doing?”

“I don’t know.” Mrs. Parker answered, getting out her laptop. “She’s at a friend’s house doing… whatever, I don’t track this stuff anymore.”

“Oh.”

She opened the laptop. “Well, make yourself at home. We’re gonna be making some dinner later, if you wanna stay for that.”

“Uh… of course.” He answered. “I’ll… be up in my room then… or, what’s left of it.”

Mrs. Parker smiled. “It’s really nice to see you again. I’m sure Kate will be very happy.”

Nathan nodded, smiling. “Yeah, I’m sure she will.”

***

Walking through the first floor hallway, Nathan was surprised to see how much of the house had stayed the same, but he wasn’t sure why he was surprised. One year was, relatively speaking, not a very long time, it just felt like his time away had been so much longer. The neverending insanity of the past few years must have seriously fucked up his sense of time.

Nathan turned to the stairwell to the second floor, about to walk up, then he immediately stopped.

Another switch. Why did it have to be now, of all times?

Natalie groaned and leaned back against the wall. Nothing about this visit felt personal anymore, which was a real shame. Nathan was so happy to be here, why couldn’t he go a full day without her interrupting?

Back in her timeline, there wasn’t much drama between her and her family. She still visited her parents every few months and kept in close contact with Kate. No one had reason to worry until a couple weeks ago when Mr. “I’m so glad my name isn’t Ben” Dover bailed on her and disappeared. What a prick. If she ever got her hands on that man she’d feel sorry for what she’d do to him.

…Maybe she should’ve visited her parents back when she was still Natalie.

Well, if she had to be in charge for the time being, she might as well check out her old bedroom and see what was different about it. Who knows? It could be an educational experience.

She made her way up the stairs and, looking around the house with her own eyes, she could confirm that yes, it was much the same. Every room was in the exact same place and all the windows were in the same area. The house looked identical, save for a few of the photos framed on the wall.

Natalie stopped in front of one of the family photos, one she remembered being taken when she was thirteen. In place of herself and the dress she wore that day was an awkward looking early teen boy wearing a suit and tie alongside her father. Aside from that, the photo was exactly the same. Her parents and Kate were wearing the same clothes and stood in the same positions.

Natalie’s eyes became fixed on Kate and she snickered. This photo was taken when she was what… six? Seven? Somewhere around there. Either way, Natalie recalled some messages she found while reading through Nathan’s and Kate’s phone conversations. Quite a few of them were about Kate having always wanted a sister, much to Nathan’s annoyance. She laughed. At some point Kate should really send Astian a letter to wherever the hell “magic prison” is. Maybe he’d appreciate the thanks.

Taking a couple steps forward, Natalie’s eyes laid on the next photo, one taken on graduation day. Thankfully Astian wasn’t in it, just Nathan, and he was wearing a black cap and gown as opposed to the red one she wore. Her high school was one of those ones that had boys and girls wear different colors for graduation. Yeah, she had grown up in a hick town, if that wasn’t obvious enough.

The next photo in line was a picture of Nathan in a boy scout uniform against an American flag. Wait, she’d seen this one before, this was when Nathan became an Eagle Scout! She recalled that the neckerchief he was wearing in this one looked different from the one in other scout photos.

She looked at the picture with as much envy as she did when looking at any of Nathan’s other scouting photos. It wasn’t fair. Sure, some people might say winning a state championship in cheerleading is just as big an accomplishment as becoming an Eagle Scout, but no one actually believed it. Scouting was way more important. Employers were always going to hire the former boy scout over the former cheerleader. That was just the way of the world. It wasn’t enough that Natalie had to steal Nathan’s life, she had to take away his status as an Eagle Scout too.

No, she shouldn’t be going down that train of thought. Not now. She had to remember what Nathan told her, to stop saying so many awful things about herself. It wasn’t her fault, and acting like it was wasn’t helping anyone.

Natalie sighed. She tried to lighten up her mood by thinking about how her parents would one hundred percent be the ones who’d never shut up about their son being an Eagle Scout. They’d wear that shit on their sleeve, displaying it on their car as if it was their accomplishment. She failed to suppress a laugh, yeah they were those kinds of parents all right.

Natalie saw her bedroom very close by and almost went inside, but was stopped when she saw the last picture to the side of the door, a picture of Kate and some other teenage girls in cheerleading uniforms.

So Kate was a cheerleader in this timeline too? Natalie hadn’t expected that. The whole reason Kate became a cheerleader in the first place was because she wanted to be more like her big sister. Then again, Kate clearly wanted to become a cheerleader of her own volition. Even if she didn’t have a sister, she’d still want to be one, just with some other justification of “why”, so Natalie supposed it wasn’t really that surprising.

Natalie took a few more steps forward and, low and behold, there it was. Her old bedroom. Or Nathan’s bedroom, more accurately. It’d been a while since she’d been in there, she wondered how much of it was left. Nathan’s bedroom must’ve been pretty different from hers as well, or maybe it was the same. She was all too eager to find out.

When Natalie finally opened the door to Nathan’s room, the first thing she noticed was that, as a teenager, Nathan did personalize his living space, at least a little bit.

The second thing she noticed was that his bedroom was more similar to her’s than she first expected.

The setup was, for the most part, exactly the same. The closet was still to the right of the front door and was covered by a pair of bifold doors with a lightswitch to the side. She flipped it and, just as in her timeline, the light didn’t come on. That bulb had long since burnt out and no one ever bothered to replace it. The room still had the same queen sized bed laying across from the door, though the sheets, covers, and pillows were gone, just as she remembered. A small flat screen TV laid to the left of the bed and the right of the closet, sitting there idle and unplugged. It was laying above a tall, skinny set of drawers made of the same wooden material as the smaller, wider set in the front of the bed. The room even had the same constellation poster right beside the bed to the right. She chuckled, she missed that poster. She might take it with her before she left.

That was where the similarities ended, however. The walls of this room were a light yellow, whereas in her timeline they were a light blue. She didn’t know why that of all things changed, but she could speculate. It might’ve had something to do with her parents, mainly her father. The room had been yellow from the start, and blue was always Natalie’s favorite color. So her father, being a “girl dad”, would probably be more susceptible to repainting his little girl’s room to her favorite color. That was her theory at least. It wasn’t like she had much to go off of, but that’s what made the most sense.

She assumed there were other differences too. It’s safe to say teenaged Nathan didn’t have a vanity set or a storage box of pads in his room, and probably didn’t have girl’s clothes in his now empty drawers and closet. Of course, it was a bit hard to compare the differences when the room had been stripped of half its contents. It was a little sentimental being in such a barren room once filled with life. It reminded Natalie of the simpler days, the better days, the days before Astian.

The days that didn’t happen.

Natalie shook her head and left the room.

***

Man, there were a ton of photos here that Nathan left behind.

Natalie flipped through another page of the photo album labeled “Nathan” and saw more of what were mostly boy scout photos. These ones looked like they were taken when Nathan was about fourteen. There was a picture of him and a bunch of other guys she recognized from her old school in berets. There were some adults with them and Nathan was holding an American flag. This must have been from one of those veteran’s day parades. She remembered those. Did this town still do them? Probably, there weren’t many towns as in love with traditions as this one.

There was another picture of Nathan, the asshole, and a few other guys in swimming clothes at a lake. Nathan was wearing a shirt, but no one else was. And was it just her or did Nathan look a little… uncomfortable? Natalie hadn’t noticed until then that once he was a teenager, Nathan was never shirtless in swimming photos. She kind of felt bad for him. Back then she always thought guys were a little mean to other guys who didn’t like going shirtless in the water. It reminded her of how girls could be mean to other girls who didn’t like wearing bikinis.

How they could be mean to her.

She closed her eyes. That train of thought was sure bringing back some pretty shitty memories. Ones she tried to forget but always came back with a vengeance.

She sighed as her mind replayed the events against her will.

At the end of eighth grade, right after the last day of school, there was a pool party being held at some kid’s house. She didn’t remember their name but they were a junior at the time and her friends all said they were going. So she went with them, and she was excited too. What fourteen year old wouldn’t want to hang out with all the cool high schoolers?

The problem was that she didn’t feel comfortable wearing a bikini.

She said that to her mother and she said “oh sweetie you don’t need to wear one if you don’t want to. I bet your friends are uncomfortable about it too. Besides, no one is going to care.”

And Natalie believed her. Why would people care that some middle schooler wasn’t wearing a bikini? Looking at it now, anyone who’d want that is kind of creepy. So she decided to wear a wetsuit to the party, full body coverage. She didn’t expect anyone to notice.

Once she actually got to the pool, people noticed. And they laughed.

“What a dork.” She heard one guy say.

A few older girls came up to her and mockingly asked if she was going surfing. Natalie retorted and said “no”, intending for it to sound menacing and certain, but it came out whiny and petulant, as if she was a toddler. She got red in the face afterward.

“You better go catch some waves, hun.” One girl said to her. She took a bucket and filled it with pool water, throwing it all on her.

Natalie immediately began crying and ran away, trying to ignore all the laughter. She hid in one of the bathrooms and desperately tried to dry herself off, texting her mother to come and pick her up. She was acting exactly like some lame kid trying to fit in with the cool crowd, the one the older kids all saw her as. They won, she lost.

And she never wore a wetsuit again.

Natalie breathed in deeply. There was something about that memory where recalling it made her feel like she was fourteen again. Right in the center of all that mockery. Intellectually she knew that, as a grown woman, she shouldn’t care what some dumb teenagers did to her ten years ago, but sometimes it was just too hard.

But hey, on the brightside, she could rest easy knowing none of that actually happened!

Somehow that made it even worse.

***

“You know, I don’t really like swearing, it’s not professional.” Mrs. Parker said while chopping up onions. “This is more a personal thing, but I always thought it makes a person look dumb. You especially shouldn’t swear in a job interview, but this man didn’t seem to understand that. Or that you should come to an interview not smelling like weed. Or that you shouldn’t start an interview with ‘nice tits’. Really, I still don’t get how some people are so bad with self-awareness.”

Natalie hadn’t been paying attention to her mother, instead just sitting at the table and lazily checking her phone. She kind of felt bad for it, but she wasn’t in the best of moods. Hopefully her mother would understand.

“Uhh… yeah.” Natalie gave a non-committal reply. “I get that.”

“Oh, there I go again, talking too much, not seeing that no one’s listening” Mrs. Parker laughed. “I need to stop that.”

“No, I don’t mind.” Natalie said. “People need to talk.”

“Well… thanks. It’s nice to have someone to… at least talk at. It’s better than nothing.”

“It is.” Natalie agreed. “It really is.”

If only she had someone she could really talk to.

“You know Nathan.” Mrs. Parker started. “You look very nice today.”

“Don’t remind me.” Natalie thought. She hated the fact that she could only look “nice” as a man. Men were supposed to be hot in the sense that they were someone else, someone she could caress and feel so loved and protected with. She didn’t feel that way about men at all anymore, not since she switched realities. The idea of loving men as a man was repulsive, and any time she saw a man she would’ve found attractive as Natalie, she couldn’t stop thinking about her own male body and was instantly turned off.

But, it was a compliment, and she didn’t want to be rude so she tried to thank her. And, truth be told, if she had to be a man, she’d rather be a good looking one than one that looked like a slob.

“Thanks.” Natalie replied. “But… I don’t really look nice.”

“But you do though! You put yourself down too much. You look nice when you, you know, put some effort into it.”

“No, I’m ugly.” Natalie said before she could stop herself.

“Oh now don’t say that. If you have to go there then I have to remind you of this poor little boy that cried in elementary school because he thought he was so ugly.”

Wait, what-

“It’s not easy being that boy’s mother. You can assure him that he’s handsome, but he says you’re just saying that because you’re his mom. But you tell him that since you’re his mom, you know him the best. And that he takes after you, and looks like you, so if he’s calling himself ugly, he’s calling you ugly too. So you ask him if he thinks you’re ugly, and that’s when he stops. You then tell him that everything in the world is beautiful, even him. Now, I don’t like that story. I don’t like telling it, but every time you say you’re ugly, I have to bring it up again.”

…

She might need to discuss some things with Nathan later.

Mrs. Parker turned the stove on, putting the chopped onions, tomatoes, and garlic into a pot, alongside some sticks of butter and salt and pepper.

“I think you’re gonna love this tomato sauce, Nathan. I’ve been spending a lot of time on it. It smells very nice. Why don’t you come and look?”

Natalie stood up from the dining room table and walked over to the kitchen, looking into the pot.

“It does smell good.” Natalie said.

Mrs. Parker smiled. “I knew you'd like it.”

“Well hey, I haven't eaten it yet.”

Mrs. Parker hit Natalie's shoulder.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Natalie said. “It looks better than Dad’s cooking anyway”

“Yeah I don't know what's up with him. It feels like he doesn't try.”

“Maybe we can teach him.”

“That would be a very annoying day.”

Natalie and her mother shared some laughter as Mrs. Parker brought them into a hug.

“Nathan?”

“Yes?”

“It's good to have you back.”

Natalie returned the hug, leaning her head into her mother's shoulder.

“It's good to be back.” She said.

If only Nathan could've experienced this in-person.

***

It was only a few minutes later that a knock was heard on the front door.

“Oh.” Mrs. Parker said. “I forgot to say, I didn’t want to tell your dad or Kate you were here, I wanted it to be a surprise. I just wish I could see the look on their faces!”

“I bet Nathan would too.” Natalie thought.

“I’ll remember to tell you about it.” She replied. “And are they both here now?”

“Yeah, your dad picked up Kate on his way home.”

Kate didn’t have a car in this timeline yet either? That was a shame. Were her parents having money problems?

“Well, don’t keep them waiting.” Mrs. Parker said. “Go on.”

Natalie grinned nervously, nodding her head and finally making the long trek to the front door. She didn’t know where all this sudden hesitation was coming from. Maybe she was afraid they’d somehow know she wasn’t Nathan. Or that Nathan wouldn’t be able to experience seeing all his family again himself. Shit, switch back! Switch back now! She couldn’t be clogging up all his time like this!

Natalie sat on the living room couch for a moment, trying desperately to force her mind back to Nathan. She couldn’t take this from him, he deserved this more than anything. She was being a real-

At the first sign of dizziness, Natalie stopped. No, she wasn’t going to pass out and live through another terrible memory, not with her family in the house. Nathan definitely wouldn’t want that.

So, to get it over with, Natalie quickly went to the front door, seeing the impatient figures in the window and opening the door to let them in.

Those figures, her father and Kate, both froze in place upon seeing her.

And in less than a second, Natalie switched back to Nathan.

Nathan was never the best with introductions. Starting conversations, getting people’s attention, keeping their interest, it was all very hard. Sometimes he’d just freeze up, not knowing what to say. So when two of his family members were staring him down, right across the doorway, he stood there, silent.

Then he tilted his head, and his father laughed.

“Been a long time since I’ve seen that.” He said. “Love to see you back, son.”

Mr. Parker walked inside and patted Nathan’s back, all while Nathan and Kate remained still and focused on each other. Seeing this, Mr. Parker smiled and left for his room, letting them have their moment.

“Hey Kate.” Nathan eventually said.

“Nathan.” She returned.

Nathan began tapping his fingers and thumb together repeatedly, one at a time, back and forth. It was a habit he often did out of stress, and he was certainly very stressed right now. What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to apologize or… what? What did she want?

“Kate…” Nathan started. “I’m- I’m sorry I-”

He was cut off when Kate hugged him.

“I really missed you.” She said.

Nathan reached his arms around her back. “Me too.”

***

Nathan and Kate were both sat together on the couch, Nathan currently going through what he’d been doing for the past few months. He couldn’t tell all of it, obviously, but whatever he could tell, he did.

“What was Astian acting like before he went missing?” Kate asked, curious. “Was he acting weird?”

“Very.” Nathan confirmed. “Like I said, he was being very controlling, like he knew how to fix my life better than I did. Then he got mad and, well, I wish I could tell you why he robbed a bank but I can’t. He just did and now no one knows where the hell he is.”

“Are you mad at him?” She asked. “I’d be. If one of my friends ditched me like that I’d hate them for the rest of my life.”

“Trust me, I do.” Nathan answered. “I hate Astian, I really do. And no, it’s not for the robbery. While living together I learned that Astian isn’t the same person he used to be. He’s a real piece of shit now and I never want to see him again.”

“Wow, I never expected you to be that harsh. Are you sure you’re Nathan? Who are you and what have you done with my real brother?” She jokingly asked.

Nathan chuckled. “No, it’s still me. I’ve just lived a little more since you last saw me.”

“Well aren’t you just so clever?” Kate smirked. “I’m just kidding. I’m proud of you, Nathan. It’s nice to finally see you have a backbone.”

“Just because I said I didn’t like Astian?”

“When’s the last time you actually said someone was being an asshole to you?” She asked. “Doesn’t it feel good?”

Nathan looked down at himself and smiled. “Yeah.” He agreed. “It does.”

Kate punched his shoulder. “You bet your ass it does. Welcome to the real world.”

He snorted, grabbing his shoulder. Kate was a surprisingly hard hitter now, had she been lifting while he was gone?

“Nathan?” Kate asked, bringing her voice low, as if asking something forbidden. “Were you and Astian ever… you know, a thing?”

Nathan’s face fell. Oh lord, how did he forget that Kate always used to tease him about that! He’d been so wrapped up in Natalie, he didn’t realize he was talking about Astian like they were dating! Which granted, they were, but he wasn’t about to tell his sister that.

Nathan must’ve been very flustered and his face very red, because Kate’s mouth immediately turned into a very evil grin.

“I knew it!” She said excitedly. “Finally, I was right! I knew I was!”

“Listen Kate.” Nathan tried to say. “We weren’t-”

“Don’t lie to me Nathan, I know that look. You two were totally dating weren’t you?”

Nathan’s tone suddenly became very firm. “Listen Kate, it was nothing like that. If you let me finish I’d say that. We were just friends, that’s all we ever were. We’re not even that anymore. But we were never dating, okay!?”

Kate backed off. “Geez fine, no need to be so harsh about it.”

“Well, I never liked your jokes about me and Astian being gay. They embarrassed me.”

“Okay, I won’t tell any.” Kate said. “But you understand I told those jokes when I was like what, ten? I just thought they were funny. Again, I was ten.”

“I know.” Nathan said. “But your question reminded me of the jokes. And then you got all excited. You have to understand why that would make me upset, right?”

“Yes I know.” She said. “And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Nathan said honestly. “For getting so worked up over a dumb joke. I mean, let’s face it, me and Astian are kind of gay.”

Kate grinned again. “Very gay.”

Nathan chuckled darkly. “More gay than you could possibly imagine.” He thought.

***

Taking a seat at the dining room table, Nathan rested his head on his hand and stared at the wall across from him. He didn’t have the will to get out his phone and browse around the internet on it, so he tapped his finger on the table instead.

He didn’t want to lie to Kate. But what else was he supposed to do?

He knew he couldn’t tell her about Natalie, but did he have to be so hard on her for that joke? After all, he really did date Astian, even if it wasn’t in the way Kate would think. They were both being kind of gay.

Nathan caught himself snickering. Yes, they were both definitely being very gay. God, he could only imagine Astian up there in magic prison, telling his roommate about how he ended up there. “Yeah I turned my best friend into my girlfriend. I have a photo of her, you wanna see it? Here, I made sure she was a real babe, isn’t she the hottest girl you’ve ever seen? What, no it’s not gay, I changed her memories so she wouldn’t remember. It was identity death. No, identity death is not gay, shut up. It’s not gay. I’m telling you it’s not gay, it’s not!” That’d be Astian all right.

Nathan frowned. Every time he thought about Astian and him being together, even as a joke, it wasn’t long before he felt sick to his stomach. Astian manipulated him and abused his trust, he didn’t deserve for this relationship to be recognized. He deserved nothing, and if that meant having to lie to Kate, then so be it.

Nathan sighed. Why couldn’t life be simpler?

***

Dinner was served, and with it, his parent’s endless questioning of his plans for the future. Nathan was fine with talking about his life to Kate when it was voluntary, but having to answer to his parents’ constant grilling was incredibly unpleasant, to say the least of it.

Maybe he should’ve written down some future plans before he came. Damnit, where was Natalie when he needed her? She was so much better at this.

“I hear you have a new job?” Mrs. Parker asked.

“Yes, at a Home Depot a couple miles away from my apartment.” Nathan answered. “Working at the paint department. It has a good salary, I’ll be able to keep the apartment, provided I don’t get fired… again.” He added with an awkward laugh.

“Seems rather easy.” Mr. Parker remarked.

If Nathan could, he’d definitely groan, but he had an image to maintain and so he kept it down. “Well, it’s retail. And dealing with customers is never easy, you know.”

“Do you have any other places you’re looking at?” Mrs. Parker asked.

This was her way of asking if he had a plan to not mix paint at Home Depot for the rest of his life, which to be fair, was a reasonable thing for her to not want. It’s not like he’d want his own kid to be working a job like that forever.

“Not at the moment, no. But I do plan on making a list of options I can take to move forward.” Nathan said. “Oh, and by the way Mom, this lasagna is wonderful. Have you ever thought of sharing recipes?”

Mrs. Parker smiled. “I have, thank you.”

Nathan smiled back. Truthfully, he hadn’t just said that to suck up to her. This was very good lasagna.

“I wanted to-” Nathan tried to say, but was cut off by his father talking at the same time.

“You go first.” Mr. Parker said.

Nathan nodded. “Well, what I wanted to say is that for the past two weeks, I have only gotten drunk once.”

“Nathan, that’s wonderful.” Mrs. Parker said.

Kate gave him a thumbs up from across the table, having already heard this.

“Good job.” Mr. Parker said.

“Thanks guys. I want to make it clear that from now on, no more drinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t hold yourself to that kind of standard.” Mrs. Parker said. “Everyone deserves some wine every once in a while.”

“And beer.” Mr. Parker added. “It’s something I never got about you, an alcoholic who doesn’t drink beer.”

“Thanks Dad.” Nathan said flatly.

Mr. Parker snorted. “But yes.” He started to say. “I think in your position, it’s probably best to not drink at all for a few months. Just to get yourself back in order.”

“That’s the plan.” Nathan affirmed. “There’s not one bit of alcohol in my apartment.”

Mrs. Parker squinted her eyes at him. She had always been very attuned at catching people when they were lying, and at that moment Nathan knew he’d been caught.

“Okay so there's still some vodka left in the fridge.” He admitted. “But that’s it, after that it’s done.”

Mrs. Parker smirked.

“Well, Nathan. I must say I’m pleasantly surprised. You seem rather on top of things.” Mr. Parker said.

“I’m doing my best.” Nathan answered.

“Good.” Mr. Parker replied. “Now, I really have to ask this, are you seeing anyone?”

Nathan froze, immediately stopping his chewing.

“Listen dear, we’ve been over this. If he doesn’t want to be with anyone, then that’s that.” Mrs. Parker said firmly.

“I know.” Mr. Parker said back. “I was just asking if he’s found anyone he really liked.”

Nathan swallowed. He looked around the table for any support, and thankfully he did get some from Kate, who gave him a sympathetic smile.

“Not right now, no.”

“Hmm… well, that’s okay. As long as you’re doing well.” Mr. Parker said. “Though, I do want to ask, did you see anyone while you were gone?”

“Honey-” Mrs. Parker started to say, before Nathan cut her off.

“No, it's fine. He’s just curious. I don’t want to be oversensitive.” He gave Kate a knowing look.

Mrs. Parker nodded and backed off.

Nathan brought his hands together and interlocked his fingers. “There wasn’t anyone in particular I was seeing.” He started. “But…”

He stopped, his eyes had met Kate’s again, taking him back to when he talked to her earlier. He had been so harsh, all because she assumed he was dating Astian. She wasn’t even wrong and he still got worked up. He took his anger out on her.

He lied to her.

Nathan hated lying. He wasn’t good at it either.

And judging from the look in Mrs. Parker’s eyes, he knew he’d been caught again.

That was the final straw. No more lies, it was time to be honest.

“I was seeing someone.” Nathan admitted. “They were my very first love.”

He began his story, his family listening intently. “I already knew them well, and we hit it off. We did everything together. Almost everything at least. Stuff as small as watching movies together and eating out. We went on walks through the city, and went to the beach together. They just knew how to make me feel special. And it felt good, it felt very good. I didn’t realize it at the time but… being loved feels good, you know? I loved them, and they loved me back. I still remember the day they proposed, and I said ‘yes’. I was so happy.”

The rest of the family was dead silent. “There was a problem though.” He said. “I loved them as a person, but they didn’t really love me like that. They loved me like I was something they owned. And they did some awful things to me, things that are still a blur to think about. They actually forced the relationship in the first place, they forced me to love them, and I still enjoyed it. We had to break up, but even that was forced. It would never have happened if life didn’t demand it. Right now, I hate them. I never want to see them again. But that’s not the worst part.”

Nathan’s family stood still, waiting for the end.

“The worst part is that that horrible relationship… was the only time I ever felt loved.”

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” Mrs. Parker said.

“Why are you saying ‘they’?” Mr. Parker asked, curious. “...Nathan, is there something you want to tell us?”

Nathan grabbed a paper towel and wiped his mouth. “Thank you for the meal, Mom. It was very good. And thanks for letting me stay.”

Nathan took his plate and tossed it in the sink, leaving to go upstairs without another word.

***

Nathan sat on the side of what was left of his bed, with his door shut and locked. It was just like being a teenager again, leaving dinner early to hide in his bedroom and avoid the family. What a nostalgia trip. His parents should be thankful he was never one to blow up.

Cupping his face, Nathan was still unsure if he regretted what he said. He essentially “came out” to his parents and told them everything about Astian. Even if he never said his name, there was no way they couldn’t figure out who he was talking about. It’s not like he talked to anyone else.

So his parents probably thought he was gay. And as Nathan thought about it more, was that even a lie? Thinking back to his sexuality before his transformation was muddling. He knew he was definitely attracted to women, but was he attracted to men too? He sure was attracted to Astian as Natalie, but that was only because Astian made him so. Was that attraction to men natural? Did Natalie like men because he did?

Nathan wouldn’t put it past Astian to forcibly change his sexuality to make him a straight woman, and honestly, if he knew that was the case, that’d make it easier. He wouldn’t have to question so much. But the fact that he didn’t know made everything so much more complicated. It was just like how he didn’t know how much control Astian had over what happened in Natalie’s life. Did he implant every single memory himself or did he just say “make Nathan born a girl” and let the rest happen by itself? These were the kinds of things that made his brain hurt.

A knock was heard on the bedroom door.

“Hello? Are you in there?” A female voice, Kate’s voice, asked. “I wanted to know if you needed to talk.”

Nathan turned toward the door, his eyes catching a glimpse of his reflection on his phone. Even from that short glimpse, he could tell that he looked like shit. His hair was a mess and he looked like he was about to cry. He really needed to talk.

“Come in.” He said.

Kate opened the door and stepped inside, making sure to close it on her way in. “Hey.” She said. “Are you okay?”

Nathan sent Kate a glum look. “No more lies.” He repeated in his thoughts. “No more lies.”

“No.” He said.

Kate took a seat next to him on the empty bed. “This person you were talking about, it was Astian wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” He sniffed, his eyes starting to tear up. “Oh lord, not now. Anytime but now.”

“Hey hey, it’s okay.” Kate told him.

“No, it’s not okay.” Nathan said, his face becoming overrun with tears. “You don’t understand what happened, you could never understand what happened because I’m not allowed to say it.”

“Listen Nathan, I promise I-”

“You can’t.” He interrupted. “I don’t want to yell at you, but you can’t know what he did because you wouldn’t get it. I could barely get it myself. It took time.”

Kate put an arm around Nathan’s shoulder. “So maybe I can’t get it. I don’t know what it is I can’t get, but I don’t care. He hurt you, didn’t he?”

Nathan nodded. His entire face was trembling. He, or maybe she, thought a switch might have just occurred, but they couldn’t tell for sure.

“It’s my fault.” They were able to get out through their sobs. “If I hadn’t-”

“It’s not your fault.” Kate said.

“But I was a failure! He wouldn’t have done any of it if I had my life in order.” Nat tried to argue.

“No, stop it. It’s no one’s fault but Astian’s that he hurt you. People like him hurt others no matter what. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“But it did, we were… it’s because…”

“Because what?” Kate asked.

“Because… I loved him.”

And that was what hurt Nat the most. For all the hurt Astian had caused, and all they wanted to say he never meant anything, they couldn’t lie to themselves.

They really did love him.

They hugged, they kissed, they made love, and Nat remembered all of it. Moreover, Nat remembered enjoying it. They enjoyed when Astian proposed and made them feel like the most special girl in the world. They enjoyed when they went on dates and watched movies together. They enjoyed resting on his shoulder. Anytime they were having a bad day, all they needed was to see Astian’s smile and everything would be fine.

They were going to get married. They were going to move out and live in a nice house together, have a lot of children, and live an amazing life. Nat was going to be his wife, a mother, and they were so excited about it. Every moment spent with Astian was a moment spent in heaven.

All the while, to Astian, Nat was nothing more than a pretty face for him to fuck.

Kate hugged Nat as they wept, not bothering to control their ragged breathing.

“I’m sorry you had to see this.” Nat said. “God, everything’s so muddled, I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

“If you keep obsessing over what you think is real, you’ll be miserable your whole life.” Kate said. “Do me a favor Nathan, focus on what you know. Don’t think about Astian, don’t think about the past, just look ahead. Does that help?”

Nat sniffed, a smile appearing on their face. “Yes, it does.”

Kate smiled back and hugged Nat tightly, a hug they happily returned.

“I love you.” Kate said.

“I love you too.” Nat said back.

Kate broke off the hug and smiled. “I’ve got to head to my room now, I have homework to do. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Nat wiped a stray tear off their face.

“Remember what I said, okay?”

Nat nodded, smiling a very infectious smile. One that Kate caught instantly.

Kate left the room, and Nat walked to the window, watching all the stars across the night sky. They still didn’t know if Nathan or Natalie was in control, and they loved it. They knew it wouldn’t last. Come morning, it’d be back to one or the other. But, just for a single night, they almost felt like a complete person. And that was something they’d remember for decades to come.

“Shoot for the stars, Nat.” They told themselves.

“Natalie: I’m still thinking about what Kate said to me yesterday. It’s been making me think about a lot, which is something I really needed.

I know what happened to us was bad, and in a perfect world, it wouldn’t have happened. If I had the opportunity to go back and erase all the trauma he caused, I would. But I can’t. Astian did what he did and now both of us have to live with it.

It’s still hard for me to accept that past life as my own, and it probably always will be. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think about it without feeling some amount of disgust, and I know that’s wrong, but I can’t help it. It’s gonna be a long time before I can get over it.

To be honest though, I think I might be preferring this life. I like working with you to bring everyone back together and trying to achieve something of my own. Something that I know I did myself. It feels good. I still hate being a man, and I’m not going to deny that. But if it makes you happy, I’ll try my best to live with it.

I know I’ve been rambling a lot, and it’s not exactly been cohesive, but I think what I’m trying to say is that, I really should just look to the future. Stop being so hard on myself, as you said. Whatever may have happened in the past, I do exist now, and… I guess that’s all that really matters.”

Natalie stopped recording and set the phone on the empty bed, walking to the window and looking out to the morning sun. The night had been gracious enough to not give her any memories, and she was more than happy to take that reprieve.

She smiled as she saw the trees lightly sway in the light of the pink sky. Today was going to be a beautiful day.

***

“Aww, can’t you stay a little longer?” Kate whined.

“Yeah well I don’t want to be driving like an hour to work tomorrow.” Natalie answered.

“I still can’t believe you slept in a bed with no bed sheets!” Mrs. Parker exclaimed. “Why didn’t you tell us? We could’ve-”

“Given me some bed sheets for a bed I’d only sleep in for one night? Nah, I wouldn’t want to waste your time like that.”

“You should’ve slept on the couch.” Mr. Parker said.

“Yeah, I should’ve.” Natalie agreed.

Kate pulled Natalie in for a goodbye hug. Natalie was a bit startled at first, not used to being taller than her, but she was still quick to hug back.

“I have a cheerleading competition in two weeks. State championship. I’ll give you the location over text when I get the address. You’ll come, right?”

Natalie looked down at her sister’s pleading face, and smiled.

“Of course I will.” She said.

Kate wrapped her arms around Natalie tighter before breaking off. Mrs. Parker then walked over to Natalie and stood on her tiptoes to kiss her forehead.

“Mom, I think I’m a little old for forehead kisses.”

Mrs. Parker ruffled her hair. “You’re never too old for forehead kisses.”

Natalie’s face going a bit red, she saw Mr. Parker come over and give her a firm handshake. That was odd, he never gave those when she was Natalie, was this something fathers only did with their sons? She was lucky she had enough job interviews to do this well, or she would’ve seriously embarrassed herself.

“Have a nice trip.” He told her.

“I will.” Natalie said. “And I’ll be sure to come back to visit.”

Mr. Parker patted Natalie on the back, then leaned in close to her.

“Did you sort through what got you upset yesterday?” He whispered. “Is everything okay?”

After he asked that, Mrs. Parker came in with a worried look, clearly wondering the same thing.

Natalie gave them a smile. “Yeah, Kate helped me with it. I feel a lot better now.”

Mrs. Parker smiled back and Mr. Parker gave a reassuring nod. “I’m happy to hear that, son.”

Putting her phone in her pocket, Natalie nodded back at him, knowing it was something men did with each other. Like a lot of things in the past few weeks, it felt weird to be in on. It was almost like it was forbidden, which was admittedly pretty silly to think about.

It was things like that that made her aware everyone around her really thought she was Nathan. Her own family had no way of knowing that their son was sharing a consciousness with an alternate female version of himself. And that right now, they were talking to that version and not the Nathan they knew.

In the past that fact would’ve made her feel guilty, but she knew better than that now. There were some things in life you just couldn’t control, and for Nathan’s sake, as well as her own, she needed to stop beating herself up over it.

“I’ll see you all later.” Natalie said as she finally left for the door. Just as she opened it, she heard Kate walk over to her and grab a hold of her shoulder.

“You promise you’ll see us again, right?”

Natalie turned and stared into her sister’s eyes, taking in the optimistic, hopeful look on her face.

“I will, I promise.” Nathan said.

***

The drive back to the apartment was the most relaxed Nathan ever felt in a long time. He was actually in a good mood, so good that he even had the radio on. And it was playing “Wake Up Everybody”. You just couldn’t go wrong with Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes.

It sucked that he knew he was going to have to relive some awful memory tonight. That kind of spoiled his mood, especially since the potion in his refrigerator didn’t even have a quarter of it left. But, after a while, he found it in himself not to care. He was living in the moment, and he was loving it.

Maybe after the memories are over, he could come together with Natalie and finally make something out of this failure of a life.

“The world won't get no better, if we just let it be.

The world won't get no better. We gotta change it, yeah.

Just you and me.”

Astian barged into Nathan’s room, mindlessly tossing a giant box onto his bed.

“Well, here’s the last of her clothes.” He said. “She still has a few other things she needs to bring in so don’t be surprised if some stuff appears in your room in the morning. Wouldn’t want to bother you while you’re awake, you know.”

Nathan laid still on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, not having it in him to respond.

“Nathan?” Astian asked. “You there?”

Again, he didn’t respond.

Astian walked right in front of Nathan, leaning down, looking straight into his face. Nathan’s eyes didn’t even flinch. Visibly worried, Astian poked his cheek, and finally he focused on him.

“I almost thought you were dead.” He said.

“Astian.” Nathan said. “I really think something’s wrong with me.”

“Haven’t we already been over this?” Astian asked. “I’ve already said it, you’re fine.”

“I don’t know man, something’s very wrong here. I… I really think-”

Astian took a seat on the bed, and, for a second, Nathan could see his eyes dart down, but he refocused them quickly.

“Hey, why don’t you sit up.” Astian said to him.

Nathan obliged, having grown sick of laying there himself.

“It’s just so hard sometimes.” Nathan said. “Can’t get a job, not doing anything all day, and now there’s all this weird stuff happening and I-”

“Look, I know it’s sucked for you, but it’ll get better. Trust me.”

“You always say that. Unless you have a job offer for me I don’t want to hear it.”

“Well, I can’t get you hired at my place. I might be able to get you something somewhere else though. Something good.”

“Yeah, I heard there’s a real demand for college dropouts on the market.” Nathan shot back, bitter. “I couldn't even make up some bullshit explanation for all the gaps in my resume”

Astian sighed. “You’re really not making this easy, you know that?”

“That’s my life, it’s not easy.” Nathan explained. “Well, it is easy, technically speaking, it’s fixing it that’s hard.”

Astian snorted, and… did he say something under his breath? His mouth moved but Nathan couldn’t make out any words.

“Why don’t you get some rest, love? You need to sleep more.”

Astian patted Nathan on the back and left the room. Nathan groaned, pushing the box of clothes off his bed and throwing himself against his mattress. His eyes drooped down and closed shut.

If there was one thing Astian was right about, it’s that he did need more sleep. He was so tired these days and…

Wait, did Astian just call him “love”?

Nathan’s eyes shot open, his weariness leaving in an instant. He was so tired that he hadn’t noticed. But looking at it now… yeah, Astian one hundred percent called him “love”, and unlike that night at the restaurant, he was absolutely sure of it.

Hell, that wasn’t all. Nathan thought back to when Astian’s eyes darted down for little more than a second. From where Nathan was laying, Astian would’ve been looking at his chest. At his swollen nipples that were protruding out enough to be seen under his shirt.

…Shit.

At least he could confirm he wasn’t the only one noticing his changes, which was somewhat of a relief. Astian was noticing them, too. He wasn’t oblivious after all. So… why wasn’t he saying anything? He literally saw his best friend with what were essentially or, fuck it, what WERE breast buds, and he just ignored it? Who does that? Astian had it in him to tell him he looked like a slob but THIS wasn’t worth a mention? What on Earth was going on inside that man’s head?

Was it possible that whatever was changing him was also changing Astian? That seemed like a pretty reasonable assumption. This force, this… thing that was transforming him into a woman could also very easily change Astian’s mind to make him think this was the way he always was. Or maybe Astian’s mind was being changed to think a man spontaneously turning into a woman for no reason was just a thing that happened sometimes. Either way, the result was the same. To him, nothing was out of the ordinary.

Of course, there was always the possibility that Astian was the one causing this, but that seemed a little too absurd. Why would Astian want to turn his best friend into a completely different person? Even for a selfish person, it didn’t make any sense.

He hoped it didn’t make any sense.

Nathan found himself curling into a fetal position. He didn’t know which idea was scarier, some omniscient force turning him into a woman for no reason, or his best friend that he’s known for more than a decade turning him into a woman, purposely inflicting so much psychological damage and not caring in the slightest.

Okay, that was a little unfair. He shouldn’t assume the worst of his friend. Astian was a good man, in fact, he should head up to his room and check on him right now. He’s been spending an awful lot of time alone in there, just what was he doing?

Nathan got out of bed and began walking to Astian’s room. Being in an apartment, it was pretty close by. He assumed Astian was in there. If he wasn’t, it’s not like he’d have to go very far to find him.

As he walked, Nathan cringed at the sway in his hips. This was another change he noticed recently. Just like how he was peeing like a woman, he was now walking like one too. He couldn’t help it, it’s what felt right to him. He had to actively make himself walk like a man. If he wasn’t thinking about it, then he wasn’t walking like it.

This might’ve been due to the changes in his hips, which had widened in the past few days. Hell, take away the penis and he literally just looked like a woman below his waist. His butt was bigger, his thighs were thicker, and he even had that hip rotation women had. And that wasn’t all, no. He didn’t just look like a woman below the waist, he looked like a very SEXY woman below the waist. He was actually a bit mesmerized, looking down at his legs. On another woman they’d be incredible, on his own body they were freaky as hell.

“Another woman”. Dear Christ, what was happening to him? He needed to keep better track of his thoughts.

Nathan approached Astian’s door. It was closed, but he couldn’t tell if it was locked. He didn’t want to check either, he didn’t want to see what Astian was doing alone in there. And plus, he’d never want to upset him.

…That was a normal thought, right? Not wanting to upset his friend?

Hold on, what was that? Nathan leaned in closer to the door. He could hear Astian talking, but the door muffled what he was saying. From what he could make out, it sounded like Astian was on the phone with someone.

“...Taking longer than I thought…no, I’m doing it well, it’s just…yes, I did push a little much at the start…few more days, that’s all I’m asking…book will be returned as soon…lay off my back a little, will…you know this is a very inconvenient time to have…alright, thanks…yeah, you too.”

The talking stopped, and Nathan shook his head. What a weird call. It sounded a little heated, something about a book making Astian mad?

Nathan knocked on the door, hearing Astian say “come in”.

Opening the door, he saw Astian at his desk, quickly turning on his swivel chair as he walked in.

“Hey.” Nathan said. “I heard you on the phone earlier.”

“Oh… you did?”

“Yeah, what was that about?”

It took Astian a few seconds to respond. “That was just the librarian. He’s really giving me hell over this overdue book.”

“Well, I’m sorry.” Nathan replied. “But also I should say you’d probably be less annoyed if you actually focused on finishing it, so you could turn it back in.”

“Heh, yeah…” Astian said back. “Anyway, what did you come in here for?”

“I just wanted to check on you.”

Astian smiled. “Well, thanks. I’m doing fine, if you’re wondering. Better, now that you’re here. I really like seeing you.”

Nathan giggled. “Stop it, you’re making me blush.” He said.

Astian’s smile grew wider at this. “You have a nice blush, but it’s okay, your face looks great without it. Now, if you excuse me, I’d like to make some dinner.”

Nathan ended up blushing at Astian’s comment, but nothing could’ve prepared him for what he’d do next.

Astian stood up, and passed right by Nathan, stopping a little right beside him as he turned his head and smiled. It was nice seeing Astian so close… but it also confirmed that Nathan really had gotten shorter. Much shorter, actually. Astian and him used to be the same height and now he was a good few inches shorter, the top of his head being around the same place as his mouth. It was… disheartening, to say the least, but it wasn’t what shocked him the most

No, what shocked him the most is that, as Astian began walking out of the room, he took his shirt off. Casually throwing it on the bed like it was a completely normal thing to do.

Nathan gasped, clasping his hands on his face.

Astian turned back to him and said, “it’s been getting a little hot lately, I hope you don’t mind” very casually, as if he’d simply changed his shirt and not taken it off. No big deal here. And maybe he was right, it might not have been a big deal.

So why did it seem that way? Why could Nathan not get the image of Astian’s body out of his mind?

Even when Astian finally left the room, Nathan was still thinking about his shirtless body, and he had to fight the urge to go into the kitchen to look at him. He’d never noticed before, but Astian was actually a pretty good looking man. He wasn’t really buff, but he had a decent bit of muscle on his upper arms, and he was just the right size. He didn’t have too much fat either. Sure, he didn’t have a six-pack, but when you were looking at him, it was easy to forget that. He was much better looking than the slightly overweight alcoholic slob Nathan used to be, anyway.

Did women like Astian? Nathan wouldn’t be surprised if they did. For a woman it’d probably feel really good to get lost in his strong arms as he wrapped them around your stomach, his hot breath on the back of your neck. You’d tell him about your day, tell him what was bothering you, what was wrong, and he’d give you all the comfort and kisses in the world. Maybe you’d even lay in bed with him and… oh! Nathan actually had to bite his lip to stop himself from calling out to Astian, just so he could see him again and maybe…

Nathan felt a stirring in his groin and instantly looked down. When he did, he saw that he was getting an erection. His penis had apparently become excited at his fantasies.

Finally, Nathan snapped back to his senses. Wide-eyed and slack-jawed, he slowly came to sit on Astian’s bed.

And just after he said he’d keep better track of his thoughts.

Lord, what was wrong with him? He had NOT just been thinking about making love with his best friend! He was NOT attracted to his best friend! He wasn’t about to validate all of Kate’s shitty jokes from years ago. No, no, no! He was not, WAS NOT attracted to Astian.

Nathan thought of someone, or something else to turn him on. A woman on a beach, taking off her bikini in the hot sun, showing off her chest as Astian wrapped his arms around her and gave her a kiss. Okay no, that didn’t work, let’s try again. A hot female singer performing in a concert, in some nice, sexy outfit. At the end of the show, she’d be embraced by one of the male band members, Astian, who’d- fuck! Alright, third attempt. Top female athlete, ready to compete for the grand prize and being cheered on by the top male athlete, Ast-

Tears began forming in Nathan’s eyes. He tried to force them back but to no avail.

Every single fantasy ended the exact same way. At first, there was just a woman, one Nathan would usually find attractive. Then suddenly, Astian would show up and he’d be the center of attraction. Not just that, but the woman would no longer be someone else to imagine, but HIM. In every one of those scenarios, when Astian came in, Nathan would suddenly start seeing this woman as himself.

And he liked it. He liked it so much. But he didn’t WANT to.

The first tear hit Astian’s bed sheets. Why was Nathan suddenly attracted to him? Why was Astian trying to be endearing with him? Fuck, why did he even take his shirt off? Nathan didn’t buy the “it’s hot” explanation, what was the real reason? Most of the time, when it was just guys living together, taking your shirt off wasn’t a big deal, so long as no one was attracted to you. But Astian seemed to make a scene of it, even if he tried and failed to play it off casually. It was almost as if he… wanted Nathan to see him without his shirt on. He even turned around so… what, Nathan could see the front of his bare body? Was that it? Why would…

“Oh, shit!” Nathan thought.

That’s when it hit him. All the compliments, all the pet names, all the times he caught himself staring at him in the past weeks, it all added up.

He wasn’t just turning into a woman, he was turning into Astian’s girlfriend!

And Astian was treating him like his girlfriend, more and more the longer he stayed. Nathan, in turn, was beginning to ACT like his girlfriend. Did that confirm magic was real? The mere idea sounded completely ludicrous, but so was what was happening right now. Did this mean that one day they were going to sleep together? That they were going to… do it?

No, his mind was NOT about to go there. Not again.

Nathan slowly collapsed onto Astian’s bed, and with a sniff, he started crying. He hadn’t cried so much since before he was a teenager. It was an utterly pathetic reaction, but he couldn’t think of anything better to do. How were you supposed to resist a thing like this? If the world decides to make your life a living hell, and turn you into your best friend’s girlfriend for no reason, what could you do? Well, you could kill yourself, but Nathan knew he didn’t have the guts to do that, not after what happened last time.

The worst part of all this, was that as he was crying, Nathan wanted Astian to come back into the room, see him crying, and comfort him. Ask what was wrong and say everything’s okay because he’ll protect him and love him. At this point it was like his brain was taunting him, ensuring he wanted something he didn’t, all to torture him.

Nathan hit the sides of his head, trying to banish any attraction to Astian. “Stop it.” He said. “Please stop it.”

And he did that for the entire next hour, not bothering to go out and eat dinner. He managed to stop crying when Astian entered the room, to which he went back to his bedroom, and cried, for the rest of the day until nightfall.

Astian never went to check on him.

***

Natalie couldn’t remember when she woke up. Six, seven, eight o’clock, they all might as well have been the same.

At least the bathroom mirror was here to comfort her by confirming the same thing it had so many mornings before, that she looked like shit. Work was in half an hour, and she still looked like she hadn’t showered in weeks, a real accomplishment.

Getting back to her regularly scheduled memories was more miserable than she thought. That particular memory was real bad. It sure made her feel good to see Nathan literally hit his own head to stop himself from loving her fiancé. She was just like those neutered robot women in “The Stepford Wives”, and she was getting first seat to witness the horrifying transformation from a normal person, into her.

Now now, that was no way to talk about herself. Nathan surely wouldn’t want her to put herself down like that, but he also walked around the apartment with his hand in his pants for no reason so was he a trustworthy source?

Okay, maybe she was just having a shitty morning. She needed to cheer up, she had plenty of things to look forward to today. Like… work?

…She’d see Kira again, that was exciting. She really liked seeing her.

What else could she say… it was her first day of actually trying to be Nathan. Well, not exactly, but the start of a new attempt. She was going to be Nathan Parker today and every day after, a man who loved being a man. What’s not to love about being a man? This was the body she belonged in, the body she was supposed to be in, the body she was supposed to LOVE.

The body she’d be buried in.

Natalie gagged, feeling nauseous. She had to lift the toilet seat and lay her face down into the bowl. She began dry heaving, waiting for the vomit to come out at some point, but none did.

She collapsed onto the bathroom floor, and began crying just as she did in the memory she’d relived.

She was trying, she was REALLY trying. Why was it so hard to accept? She was missing everything right now. She missed having a vagina, this penis had never stopped leaving her repulsed. She missed having soft skin, she never realized how much she felt at home in it until it was taken away, leaving this rough, horrid leathery skin in its place. She missed having a fucking purse. How far had she sunk to miss having a purse?

Not having periods again was… just not fucking worth this.

The only thing she wanted to say at that moment was “I’m sorry”, but her mouth couldn’t form the words. She hoped Nathan could see that she was sorry.

She couldn’t keep being something she wasn’t anymore.

“Natalie: I’m sorry Nathan, I really am. I don’t know how many times I can say that. I just can’t do it anymore. I remember thinking at the time that I couldn’t go back to my old life because it was fake, but now… I don’t know what to think. Everything’s starting to blur together. Me and you are starting to blur together. It’s all so disorienting.

I don’t know what I need to do in place of this, but whatever it is, it can’t be this. God, can it not be this.

I’ll get back to you when I find something.”

***

Work felt even more tedious than usual today, so much so that Natalie wished she could say this was the most miserable day of her life. That was all probably because she had to force herself to come here after nearly having a panic attack and dying in her bathroom. At least if that happened, she’d have an excuse not to come.

It wasn’t just that she felt depressed, it was that she felt depressed in the worst way possible. It was as if all her feelings and emotions were shutting down one by one, and yet she was still always on the verge of the worst panic attack of her life. It was like life was crushing her and one day she’d just collapse and scream until she died, having never truly lived. She was a hollow husk of a person, and also a ticking time bomb.

Couldn’t the clock move any faster? All these people walking around were making her feel more trapped than she already was. She needed room to breathe. She wished Nathan could take charge for a bit, just so she wouldn’t have to bear the brunt of this by herself, but it didn’t look like he was coming out.

She didn’t want to be alone.

“Hey, Nathan.”

At the sound of that voice, Natalie’s cheeks went a little red. She turned to see Kira.

“I was wondering if you wanted to come out with me to lunch.”

Natalie squinted her eyes, confused. “I don’t get it.”

“I’m asking you if you want to come to lunch with me.” Kira said flatly. “Just a yes or no will be fine.”

Natalie stared blankly at her for a good while, long enough to make Kira laugh.

“It’s not going to kill you to answer.”

Natalie chuckled nervously. She wished it didn’t feel like it would.

“Where are we going?”

“Don’t know, I’ll figure it out once break hits.”

“Where will we meet up?”

“Right outside the store, in front of the parking lot. There’s a nice bench there, if you like.” Kira said. “Anyway, are you in?”

Before Natalie could stop herself and think it over, her mouth moved and “yes” came out of it.

“Great! See you in an hour!”

Kira left before Natalie could react. It took a while for her to register what she just did.

“Oh shit.” She said aloud.

***

Natalie had spent the past twenty minutes hiding in the bathroom. She’d been in there so long she was surprised her manager hadn’t showed up yet and yelled at her for slacking off.

What in the world did she think she was doing?

Did she just agree to go on a date? She wasn’t ready to go on a date! Especially not a date with a woman. Nope, not like this, not in this body.

Wait, did she even like women? She thought she didn’t but… Kira was certainly making her feel funny things. Was it the hair? She hoped it was the hair, that was an easy target to blame.

It’s not like Nathan was any help. A switch did occur shortly after Kira left, but she went back to Natalie pretty soon. Even then, he was just as much a nervous wreck as she was. Whether she liked it or not, she was alone.

Oh god, she was about to go on a date!

“Okay, let’s calm down and think about this logically.” She thought. “She just asked me out for lunch, she didn’t ask for a date. There’s nothing she has said to make me think this is a date. It’s just food, food with a new co-worker. That doesn’t mean she’s trying to ask me out.”

That all sounded reasonable, and if her brain wanted to be reasonable, it would react accordingly and calm down.

Her brain did not want to be reasonable.

That stupid head of hers always had to ruin everything. Was this because she was too used to guys asking her out as Natalie? So now any time someone asked her to do something with them, she automatically interpreted it as a date?

Maybe she could trick her mind into thinking this isn’t a date (“which it’s not”, she repeated). She might as well kill some time while she’s hiding from her job, and maybe, if she was really lucky, it’d work.

***

She was not lucky.

Natalie sat outside on the bench in front of the store parking lot. Kira was right, it was a nice bench. Gave you a good view of the mountains above. If it wasn’t in the middle of a Home Depot, it’d be a beautiful view.

“Wow, you actually came.”

Natalie turned to see Kira walking out of the store.

“You’re surprised?”

“Kind of. I thought you were gonna ditch, you struck me as that kind of guy.”

Natalie huffed. “I’m not sure if I should be offended right now.”

“You can if you want.” Kira walked right next to the bench. “I’m sure you had your judgments of me when you first saw me.”

“Oh like what?” Natalie asked. “What do you think I was thinking?”

“That I was gay.”

Natalie's eyes widened, her face growing flustered.

“Don’t lie, you saw my hair and thought ‘she must be a lesbian’, didn’t you?”

Natalie’s mouth opened, but no words came out.

Kira laughed. “Oh come on I can’t be THAT abrasive. I’d say I’m pretty tame.”

Natalie shook her head. “You’re not abrasive, I just… I wasn’t expecting you to say something like that. I mean, I do like your hair. It’s cool, but… I didn’t think you were gay because of it. I wasn’t thinking anything like that.”

“Well you should’ve, because I am gay.”

“Really?”

“Mmm, maybe not COMPLETELY gay. There are some men I like, but I like women more. I guess I’m bisexual, but with such a heavy preference for women that I might as well just say I’m gay.”

Natalie nodded. “Okay.” She said. “Umm… congratulations, I guess. For being gay.”

Kira stared at Natalie with a weird look. Neither of them said a word for a short while, making Natalie gulp. Had she said something wrong?

Then Kira burst out laughing.

“You’re welcome.” She managed to get out. “I’m working on getting my gold medal for being gay right now, actually.”

Natalie’s face turned red. “Yeah… yeah, that was a stupid thing to say wasn’t it?”

“Oh no, I liked it. In fact I like you already, Nathan. You’re funny.” Kira said.

“Funny by accident.” Natalie corrected.

“Eh, if the shoe fits.” Kira replied. “Alright, we should probably head out now. We won’t have enough time if we stay here much longer.”

Natalie stood up. “Okay… uh, have you decided on a place? I’m not very good at that part.”

“Relax, this was my idea. I have everything figured out.”

“Okay.” Natalie said as she followed Kira down the parking lot. She was thankful most of her initial nervousness had passed. Her mind still wasn’t totally out of the “this is definitely a date” fixation but it was at a manageable place now. She supposed she was a little lucky.

After about a half dozen lines of cars, Natalie saw a purple one come up and pointed at it. “Is that your car?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“It’s the same color as your hair.” Natalie said. She turned back and forth from the car a few times. “Well, maybe a few shades off.”

“Yeah, I really wanted one in my favorite hair dye. Shame it was too expensive. This was the next best thing.”

“I mean I don’t think people will notice. You don’t see purple cars very often anyway.”

Kira unlocked and opened the front door. “At least you won’t forget it.”

Natalie chuckled as she got into the passenger seat and looked out the window. “No, you certainly won’t.”

***

Most diners in the county were interchangeable, so much so that Natalie didn’t even remember the name Kira said before they entered this one. She never really kept track of these sorts of things, one way Nathan and her were alike

Another way they were alike? They both hated fast food, something Natalie just got done explaining to Kira.

“Hmm… would you say you’re a food snob?”

“A little bit.” Natalie responded. “I like cooking, on occasion.”

“You do it a lot?”

“Well, I haven’t been doing it so much recently. My mind’s been occupied with… other matters.” She sighed.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Kira said. “Cooking’s a very good thing to get into, I’ve been doing it a bit myself. Though if you live on your own you kind of need to know how to do it. I mean, unless you want to order take out every night, but that’s gotta be a miserable way to live.”

“Trust me, it is.” Natalie said. “I know a guy who was living like that. He… let me know how terrible it was.”

“Did he get into cooking too?”

“A bit.” Natalie answered. “Me? I got into cooking because of my roommate. S… he was always doing so much cooking, and I felt guilty for not doing as much as him, so I started cooking too.”

“I hate that feeling.” Kira replied. “Even now I get it sometimes. It’s like I’m always missing something. There’s always something productive I should be doing. I hate it.”

“I know.” Natalie agreed. “How’s uh… your day been?”

“Same as always, not that great. I guess I’ve just been bored lately, life’s been dull.” Kira explained. “I’m sure I’ll get out of this dry spell sometime, but I don’t know… it feels like it’s taking forever.”

“Oh… then I hope you can start having fun soon.”

“Thanks.” Kira half-smiled. “How about you? How are you doing?”

“How am I doing?” Natalie repeated her question. “To be honest, right now I’m doing terribly. My life’s been pretty miserable too as of late. My uh… roommate went missing after being chased down by police, and now I have more bills to pay in his place. I’m stressed, frustrated, confused, and I… I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Kira said sympathetically. “If you don’t mind me asking, what DO you want to do with yourself?”

Natalie thought it over for a bit. “Hmm… I guess start thinking about my own wants and needs. All this time I’ve been doing things because I think I have to, but what about what I want? That’s what I’ve been thinking I need to start doing.”

“So what do you want?”

Natalie shut her eyes, imagining herself in her old, beautiful body. Going out day to day and living her amazing life as the woman she was. She couldn’t get enough of the thought of that. Being a woman again would be a dream come true.

She opened her eyes again. “I want…” She struggled to come up with what to say, what wouldn’t make her sound crazy. “I don’t know, I just hate being myself.”

Kira tilted her head a bit, curious.

“You know Nathan, I think I’m starting to get an idea of what you need.” She said. “It might sound crazy, but I think you need to hear it.”

Natalie leaned in a little closer, intrigued. “Okay.” She said. “Go on.”

“Hold on a minute. I need to text my sister to see if it’s okay.” Kira got out her phone, quickly tapping something away on it. “Okay it should take-” She stopped talking and looked down again. “Oh wow that fast?”

“What are you doing?”

“Sorry, had to check in with her first.” Kira explained. “But she says she’s okay with me saying anything so…”

“So what?”

Kira looked as if she was trying to find the right words. “You remind me of my twin sister, Anne.” Her mouth turned to a grin. “She’s the straight one.”

“What do you mean I ‘remind you of her’?”

“Anne is transgender.”

Natalie froze at that, her mind nearly collapsing into shambles. Transgender? What did a word like that even mean for her? She became nervous, placing a hand to the side of her head as she shook. “What are you getting at?” She asked. “Are… are you trying to say that I’m-”

“I’m just saying that you act a lot like her.”

Natalie paused, only growing more restless. She needed a few seconds to think up what to ask next.

“What’s she like?”

“She’s a quiet woman, mostly keeps to herself.” Kira answered. “She was like that growing up, and she got picked on a lot for it. I had to step in to defend her. That’s how it was back then, I was the loud kid, she was the quiet one.”

“So… you’re saying I’m like her just because I’m… quiet?”

“Well, that and because you said you hate being yourself.”

“…Oh.” Natalie replied and chuckled, feeling dumb.

“Hey.” Kira said softly. “Calm down, it’s okay. I’m just telling a story here. All you have to do is listen. Relax.”

That did sound pretty relieving, so Natalie took a deep breath and was actually able to relax. That was surprisingly easy.

“Did Anne say anything like that?” Natalie asked Kira. “About hating being herself, I mean.”

“Kind of. It was around when middle school started that she became the most miserable person ever. Never happy about anything, always in a bad mood. She didn’t look angry… at least not most of the time, just tired. We kinda drifted apart then, we weren’t spending a lot of time together anymore.”

“Sounds pretty sad.” Natalie said, grateful that never happened between her and Kate.

Kira shrugged. “At the time, I kind of assumed that’s what boys and girls were supposed to do as they grew up. But I didn’t like not seeing him at all. Anyway, one day, she used her razor to shave her legs, as well as the rest of her body, and my parents were not happy. They said she was going to hurt herself and told her ‘guys don’t do that’ pretty sternly. She didn’t say anything back. Before she went back to her room, I went to her and just asked her ‘why’.”

“Why did she shave?”

“No, why didn’t she stand up for herself. But she assumed I was asking her about shaving before I could finish my question and said ‘I don’t know, because I hate my disgusting thick hair, leave me alone!’, then slammed her door shut.”

“I’m sorry, that’s horrible.” Natalie said. “Did you ever clear things up?”

“We did, and she apologized for it, but I didn’t really care that she got mad, it was a bad time for her.” Kira explained. “She confessed a lot to me that night…” She hesitated. “Good lord I can not believe she’s allowing me to tell you this, but she told me that she was going to let me in on a secret about guys.”

Kira paused for a moment and laughed. “It sounds so stupid saying it now, but we were fifteen. So I completely believed her when she told me that all guys secretly wanted to be girls, and that all guys hate being guys.”

Natalie had to hold back some laughter of her own. “Seriously? You… believed all that?”

“Hey I just told you, we were fifteen. And I was skeptical at the start, to be fair. I was saying ‘well being a girl kinda sucks sometimes, it’s hard, being a guy sounds so much easier’. Then she asked me ‘well do you want to be a guy, would you like to be in a man’s body’. I thought about it for a bit, and I realized that would feel gross and wrong, so I said ‘no’. She said ‘if you felt gross, that’s what guys feel all the time about being guys, we just keep quiet about it because we’re not supposed to talk about it.”

Natalie was in complete disbelief. “I’m still shocked you actually believed all of that.”

“I guess it reminds me of that one post I saw online.” Kira remarked. “You know the one right? It’s the one that goes ‘it be two dumbass girls telling each other ‘exactly’.”

Natalie chuckled. “Yes I know that one.”

“Good, because it gets even better. Anne gave me all the dirt she had on guys. At least that’s what she thought she was doing. ‘Guys like boobs because they’re jealous and want their own pair’. ‘Guys like bikinis because they’re jealous and want to wear one themselves’. ‘Guys are always jealous when girls dress up for big events, because they want to wear all those beautiful dresses too’. And I was like ‘oh wow’. I was convinced that I knew all there was to know about guys. Then two years later, during our senior year of high school, I was in a D&D club. I made a character sheet for one of the guys there, and I made his character a woman. At first he thought it was a joke. ‘Oh very funny Kira ha ha’. I got confused and said ‘well don’t you want to be a girl?’ He thought I was talking about the game and said ‘not really, I’d rather my character be-’ and that’s when he noticed how confused I looked and stopped.”

Natalie got a little antsy waiting for the next part.

“I asked him ‘don’t all men want to be women? Isn’t that normal?’ And he said ‘no, that’s not normal at all, who told you that?’ I told him and he said she was wrong, and didn’t know what she was talking about.”

Natalie grew uneasy. “And what happened when you told Anne? Was she mad?”

“No, she didn’t even believe it at first. It took time, but eventually she was crying while we were together in my room. The only thing she said was ‘I thought it was normal’. She was devastated.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Natalie said. “I know I must sound like a broken record saying that all the time… but what happened when Anne-”

“Transitioned?” Kira asked. “That happened when we were in college, different colleges. So I don’t know the details, but when she came back after a whole slew of months, and I mean like ten, she was a woman named Anne. And that’s where we’re at right now.”

“Wow…” Natalie replied. “I mean… you two seem to get along well.”

“Yeah, when she transitioned, we got close again. It was like it was when we were kids. I loved having her back. I loved having a sister. And she’s a beautiful woman. Oh! Did I mention this one really funny moment we had together? It happened one day when Anne was gone at college, never at home. I came out as a lesbian, and my parents said ‘well at least one of our kids is straight’. And then Anne came in one day with her new boyfriend, and I laughed for like five minutes straight.”

Natalie failed to hold back a laugh of her own. “Were they mad?”

“For a bit, yeah. But they got over it. They’re not the most supportive of Anne, but they can… tolerate it, most of the time.”

“That’s awful. As parents they should do a lot more than ‘tolerate’ it.”

“Yeah, they should. And I wish they did.” Kira said back. “Anne does too.”

Still a bit restless, Natalie had to inquire. “So… it still seems like you’re telling me I should… you know… I mean, by telling me this story, you’re clearly suggesting that I might be transgender. Some might say you’re being a little pushy.”

Kira scoffed. “If one person saying you MIGHT be trans is all it takes for you to transition then… well that’s not exactly my fault is it?”

“Good point.” Natalie conceded. “I’m just not sure how that story was supposed to help me.”

“It might not help you, but it’s not going to hurt you to know it.” Kira told her. “When I see you, when I hear the things you say, I think it’d be good for you to have some more insight. You look like you need a little help.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“That’s not a question I can answer for you.”

Natalie looked down, needing some time to figure out what she should say.

“Why? Why did you do this?” She asked. “Let me go to lunch with you, I mean, no one asked you.”

“It’s like I always have to go back to square one with you.” Kira sighed. “It’s not about anyone ‘asking’ me to, it’s about doing something nice for someone. I talk to people and get to know them because it’s how we grow. I like spending time with other people.”

“…Did you like spending time with me?”

“What are you talking about, of course I did.” Kira smiled. “You made my day a lot better. I like you, Nathan.”

Natalie blushed. “You… do?”

“Yep! And I’d like to spend more time with you, if you don’t mind.”

Natalie’s mouth went agape, she hardly believed what she was hearing.

“Would you like that?”

Natalie refocused her eyes and got one last good look at Kira’s face. She was absolutely beautiful, her cheekbones were high up, her lips were nice and full, and she had the most adorable button nose. Natalie was still not over her violet hair, as immediately eye-catching as it was. And she wasn’t just attractive, but funny, and lively.

Spending more time with her would be wonderful.

“I’d love to.” Natalie smiled.

***

When they got back to Home Depot, Natalie went straight to the bathroom, examining herself again in the mirror. At some point, she was going to have to face it.

She was attracted to Kira. No, she LIKED Kira.

“Fuck.”

This may have been the first time in her life she’d ever been in love with another woman. A woman she knew would never love her back. How could a lesbian ever love a woman who was trapped inside such a horrific body? Could SHE love a woman like that?

She wasn’t able to tell, she’d have to meet that woman face to face.

Besides, she didn’t want to love Kira, her feelings were acting against her again. She wished there was some way to turn them off.

Would spending more time with Kira help keep those feelings away? No. Was she going to do it anyway? Without a doubt, and gladly so.

Natalie walked out of the bathroom, getting back to her shift, hoping that would steer her mind away from this.

***

Work didn’t steer her mind off Kira, but it did help. It helped a lot actually, by the end of her shift she was in a much better mood. She was almost happy, especially as her mind began fixating on something other than her unrequited love.

Being a woman again, by the time she got home from work, it was all Natalie could think about. All the way from first going up the stairs to her apartment to standing idly in the dining room hours later. She couldn’t even quantify how badly she wanted it. She was definitely going to appreciate being a woman a lot more after this.

But to do that… she’d have to go along with Kira’s suggestion.

Could she really be transgender? What would that even entail? She’d have to get a new name, a new wardrobe, probably have to go through hormonal replacement therapy, and get “the surgery” too.

Well, honestly that didn’t sound too bad. It sounded a lot better than what she was doing now. Maybe this was what she was looking for when she said she needed to do something in place of this. And after all, it’s not like she’d need to think a lot about what her name would be, and she already had a lifetime of wearing women’s clothes behind her. As long as she lived alone, no one would question why she was so good at applying makeup or knew so much about women’s fashion and whatnot.

Hell, Nathan had all of that knowledge too. Whenever she was Nathan she still knew how to-

Oh right, Nathan.

Natalie groaned in exasperation. Why couldn’t something be easy for once?

She rubbed her forehead and made her way to the refrigerator. Hopefully eating something would take her mind off this.

Maybe… after some convincing, Nathan would agree to it?

Yeah, and maybe after some convincing, SHE’D agree to stay as a man for the rest of her life.

Okay… perhaps she could go back to her old life? She used to say she preferred this life, but she wasn’t so sure about that anymore. This body was really starting to become a problem. The idea of going back didn’t seem so bad now. At the very least she should go back to say goodbye to all her friends there.

But, if she wanted to stay, would Nathan agree?

It was stuff like this that made Natalie wish they could just combine memories already. This was the most frustrating thing in the world. She WAS Nathan.

But at the same time, she wasn’t.

***

It was in the shower when Natalie switched back to Nathan. He almost didn’t notice the switch at first, until he realized he had been thinking about being a woman again and suddenly got weirded out.

One day, just one of these days, a switch would happen at a convenient time.

Nathan felt like he was in the same boat as Natalie. He was about to say he wanted to stay in Natalie’s life because hers was so much better than his. But being with a version of Kate that didn’t grow up with him… it just didn’t feel right.

Besides, he liked spending time with Kira.

He sighed. Life’s hard sometimes.

By the time the sun came down, Nathan had already collapsed into bed. It’d been a long day for him too. God, was he exhausted.

At least he got to talk to Kira… as Natalie, but that was still him anyway. He enjoyed it a lot, and it appeared Natalie did too. She’d been thinking about her a lot since it ended.

If nothing else, it did keep her mind off how awful she’d been feeling lately.

Nathan cringed. If only there was some way to help her. Poor girl. Hell, maybe that lunch with Kira wasn’t all good. Natalie’s mind had been so stuck on how she was loving someone who would never reciprocate it. Someone she didn’t even want to love at all.

It was really a wonder she, or either of them, could love at all after Astian.

Actually, did he love Kira too? He closed his eyes and imagined her face, her deep blue eyes, her bright, violet, lovely hair… okay, safe to say there was some attraction there. There was more than just attraction, being around Kira made him feel warm.

Of course he loved Kira, how was that even a question? Natalie and him were literally the same person, they shared everything together.

Almost everything that was, one key difference was that Natalie was thinking of a real solution to her misery.

So… Natalie wanted to become transgender. He couldn’t blame her for it. She clearly hated being a man, and if that’s what she felt she needed to do, then there wasn’t much he could do to change that.

But he wasn’t going to let her go forward with it.

He was NOT a woman.

The locker door slammed shut right beside thirteen year old Natalie’s face. She flinched and quickly turned around, her mouth agape and her breathing heavy.

The older girl in front of her, alongside the two friends flocking to her sides, looked at her scornfully. This girl was at least a year older than Natalie, in the eighth grade, and she made it her mission to scare the younger girls and make their lives miserable.

“That got your attention, didn’t it?” She said. “You’re finally looking at me like a normal person.”

“What do you want?” Natalie asked, fearful.

“No, what do YOU want, Natalie? I’ve noticed the way you look at other girls in here and it’s making me sick.” The older girl said. “It’s like changing with a boy.”

“Wha… what do you mean?”

“I mean you’re checking us out! Especially me. The way you look at me, it’s like you wanna…”

“No, it’s nothing like that!” Natalie interjected. “I don’t… I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I don’t… check girls out.”

“Yes you do! All the time, I can see it.” The older girl accused her. “What do you say girls? I think we have a lez on our hands.”

“N- …No.” Natalie tried to retort as the other girls laughed at her.

“Well if you want to look at us like a boy, then I guess we should respond like a boy.”

Natalie stood still and grew terrified as the older girl approached her. With each step her heartbeat increased. What the hell was she going to do to her?

She felt the sides of her pants gripped onto, and with one swift motion, they were pulled down, revealing her underwear in front of all the girls in the locker room.

The older girls laughed as they walked away. Natalie tried to ignore all the other girls staring at her as she pulled her pants up. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop the tears from forming in her eyes.

She didn’t know which was worse, getting pantsed in front of all the girls in the room, suffering the most embarrassing moment in her life as her bully walked away and laughed at her.

Or the fact that, while it was happening, she was STILL attracted to her.

Natalie fell to the ground, tears flowing down her face and landing on the hard floor. She cried more and more as all the laughs in the room sounded in her ears. She cried for minutes on end, praying that it would soon all go away.

After a while the laughs grew more muffled, slowly fading into the background as the lights turned off, and the floor became softer.

Then finally, she blinked, and the laughing stopped. She saw the darkness of her bedroom.

***

Natalie slammed the car door shut as she started the slow drive to work.

Last night confirmed it for her, her brain wanted to torture her. When it wasn’t reliving her transformation, it was the worst of her repressed memories.

She hit the gas pedal hard, pulling out of the apartment parking lot almost aggressively. She gave out an irritated huff as she came upon her first red light. Her free hand, the one left by her side, laid there as she tapped her fingers and thumb together repeatedly, from left to right, then back again.

Every time, every single time she fell in love with a woman, it was her mind conspiring against her. Forcing her to feel attraction when there should have been none. She was hopeless.

The light turned green, and Natalie nearly floored the vehicle before stopping herself. She brought her free hand back to the steering wheel, smacking it along the way.

Sooner or later, she’d have to do something about Kira.

***

Thank god today was a slow day.

Nathan was in control at the moment, as he had been since the start of the shift. He wished it would stay that way, Natalie had more than enough to deal with right now. She needed a break, and a much longer one than he could reasonably give. He wished he could do more.

If there was any silver lining at all to Natalie being stuck like this it’s that she’d hopefully finally learn to love herself and her body. It was a little hard for Nathan to judge, considering the family resemblance he had with her, but Natalie was gorgeous. She was, without question, the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. And he could understand why she would find that so upsetting. If Astian “made” her, then obviously he’d want to make his new girlfriend extremely hot. It was another sign of just how much of her identity was created and designed by Astian for the sole purpose of appealing to him. He could understand why that was so hard for her to move past.

But if living in this body wasn’t able to convince Natalie how beautiful and healthy her body was, nothing would.

Looking down at himself and putting a hand to his stomach, Nathan could feel the fat buildup. Was it just him or did it feel even fattier than usual today? Whatever the case, Natalie had nothing like that. Even just BEING in her body, he felt more fit and limber.

If he actually started working out, maybe he’d get something out of this too.

“Nathan?”

Taking his eyes off his stomach, he looked up and saw Kira, once again. That same girl who was making Natalie and him feel butterflies.

“Hey.” He said to her, nervous. “How are you doing today?”

“Kinda shitty.” She answered. “I gotta leave work early, which should be good, except it’s to go to some stupid family event where I gotta talk to all my annoying relatives, so it sucks. Also, I can’t take you out to lunch today.”

“…Oh.” Nathan said, a bit disappointed.

She sighed. “Yeah. I’m sorry. But, I still like hanging out with you, and Friday’s coming up in two days so…”

Nathan squinted his eyes in disbelief. “What are you suggesting?”

“I want you to go out clubbing, with me.”

Nathan was stunned. He gulped, then asked “are you trying to take me out on a… date?”

Kira laughed. “I mean… I never said THAT. We can go clubbing as friends.”

Nathan blushed, forcing out a few chuckles. “…I guess but… that’s just not something friends are supposed to do together, you know? We can’t do it if you’re a woman and I’m a man. It doesn’t… it doesn’t work like that.”

“Why not? Is that written in a rule book somewhere?”

“N- no?”

“Then we can go as friends.”

“But… every time a man and woman go clubbing together, it’s a date. It’s not like I can be ‘one of the girls’. I’m not… like…” Nathan’s eyes got stuck on Kira’s face. It was so pretty…

Kira giggled. “Well then we might have to get the girl in you to come out.” She said.

Nathan shook his head. “Umm… wait, no. I don’t want…”

Kira waved him off. “I’m sorry, I was just joking. I’m not gonna make you wear a dress or anything.”

Nathan felt relieved. “Thank you.” He said.

Kira looked up and suddenly said “oh shit, I better get going now. Uh, we’ll talk about this more tomorrow. Bye!”

Following her eyes, Nathan saw the clock. “Hey wait.” He said. “For the club, what exactly do I…”

He turned around, but Kira was already gone.

“…wear.”

***

Nathan spent his lunch break alone in his car, his only lunch being a cinnamon doughnut he bought from a nearby grocery store, his comfort food he always ate when he was stressed.

It was stuff like this that made him overweight.

Why did Kira want to go clubbing with him, of all people? He was just about the WORST person to go to a place like that with. Not only was he antisocial, but he just didn’t do well with bright lights, loud music, and rooms packed to the brim with people. He was the kind of person who’d rather stay at home and play a video game.

It didn’t help that he also wasn’t exactly the most attractive man out there. Sure, he remembered Natalie thinking he could be a handsome man, so long as he actually took care of his appearance, but he didn’t see it. He was a very mediocre looking man, and that was being generous. He didn’t stand out in the least.

Natalie would probably like going out with her though. She wasn’t the biggest extrovert out there, but she was definitely one to clubbing every once in a while. He even remembered going out to the club as Natalie, wearing this sexy, too revealing red dress and dancing in high heels. Even now, being Nathan, he could almost remember this as if he was the one doing it, which wasn’t the case with these memories before. Were Natalie and him getting closer? He hoped so.

The edges of Nathan’s mouth creeped up as he thought of the memory, then went down once his mind soured. He forgot the bad part of the memory.

Going to the club with Astian. Not just dancing with him, but grinding on him, kissing him hungrily and holding him tight and close. He grabbed Natalie’s ass so many times that night, and at one point even tried to expose her breasts. Sure, they were against the wall and where a lot of people wouldn’t see them, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still very weird.

At least he paid for all the drinks. “I’ll glady open doors, pay for things, and do everything nice for a woman, so long as she deserves it.”

Christ, what a dick. How did they not notice this before?

And how would Nathan be any better? He couldn’t dance for the life of him, nor could he control himself around alcohol. And for the love of god, WHAT was he supposed to wear?

No, he wouldn’t go out to the club on Friday, that would be a horrible idea. He did NOT want to go to this.

He wiped his face with a napkin as his legs kept swinging fast under his seat.

He’s definitely not going.

***

Natalie almost leaped back to her car when her shift was over. She hurriedly climbed into the driver’s seat, shut the door, and began giggling uncontrollably.

“Oh my god I’m actually going to-”

She stopped her thoughts and forced her mouth into a frown. No, she was not going out clubbing with some girl she barely knew, she’d already been over that. Nathan didn’t want to go and neither did she. How could she ever go back to a club after Astian? Not to mention she was still attracted to her, which was BAD. Going to this would only encourage her brain to keep that attraction going and make it stronger. She couldn’t be spending time with her doing things that felt like a date!

No, she was NOT going. Bad Natalie, get down.

She switched on her car and began pulling out of the parking lot. When she entered the main road her free leg started swinging.

She couldn’t wait to help Nathan pick out what to wear… in case they decided to go, that is… which they won’t.

***

Natalie rushed inside her door and quickly locked it shut, unable to contain her giggling. She felt so stupid, why in the world was she giggling so much? This was what little girls did, not grown women! And she had to look really weird, being an adult man giggling this much.

Her smile faded. There it is, she was still great at bringing her own mood down.

She slowly stood up and made her way to the couch, plopping down with her head in her hands again.

She really wanted to be a woman again. And wear a pretty dress to the club. And do her makeup until her face looked perfect and kissable. She wished there was some way Nathan could empathize with her.

…Maybe she SHOULD try and convince him. Some ideas were just crazy enough to work, after all.

Nathan lifted his head out of his hands and stared at the wall.

He sighed. Now Natalie too? He was just wonderful at this.

***

Nathan paced incessantly across his apartment living room, just trying to figure out one thing.

Why?

What was he doing wrong? Why did people think he wanted to be a woman? Was it something about the way he spoke that threw people off? Was he giving out some sort of signal without knowing? He needed someone to tell him, because he felt like he was going mad.

Sure, there was a lot to like about women. Their soft skin, round faces, curves, and breasts were all very nice, plus their clothes were pretty and colorful. Women’s clothing in general always seemed to stick in your mind in a way men’s clothing didn’t. They came in so many different shapes and sizes, in a variety of different textures and colors. It was actually a little overwhelming to think about, especially in comparison to men’s clothes, which were always the same bland blues, blacks and greens. Women had so many more options.

They always put so much effort into their appearance too, much more than Nathan did with his scruffy chin anyway. But that extra time had to have been worth it, right? It certainly was for him, back when he was Natalie he would wake up early every morning, stare right into a mirror and paint his face for about twenty minutes. He didn’t like it all the time, sometimes he was even annoyed, but after it was done, he always smiled. He felt like he had just got done painting something beautiful, making some wondrous work of art that everyone around the world would gather round to see. Sometimes it felt like that while he was doing it too. He loved seeing his own face smile.

A woman’s outfit was like art, it could elicit so many different emotions and make her that much more beautiful. A man’s outfit was for efficiency. If it was a shirt and didn’t have holes in it, it would do. Hell, it’d probably do if it DID have holes in it, as it did for Nathan. Looking at that life now, it seemed… sad.

…What was he thinking about again?

Oh, right.

So maybe there were a few aspects of being a woman that he liked. Maybe a few that he missed. Maybe for a while, he even wanted to go back to being a woman.

But none of that meant a thing. The point still stands that, for the vast majority of his life, Nathan didn't think once that he wanted to be a woman. This shit with having two lives was just getting to his head.

Wait… that was it! Of course! He finally figured it out!

It was Astian!

Yes, Astian’s spell was the source of this. It was the magic that made Nathan like being a woman, made him like being Natalie, and made him want to return. How could he be so stupid? If Astian had the ability to warp reality itself then changing his mind to make him enjoy being a woman wasn't a stretch at all. This was never authentic, him wanting to go back, it was just the remnants of the transformation still lingering in his head.

Hold on, if that was the case then… the spell would still be in effect…

Fuck! What could that mean? Was there a way to force it out? He couldn’t STILL be having these feelings about wanting to be a woman. What if one day he gave in?

Nathan noticed his hand shaking and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. Okay, he didn't need to get all worked up. This wasn’t that bad. All he needed to do was ask the Guardians for a way to fully undo the spell next time they meet. Then he’d be golden.

Nathan chuckled as he got out his phone to explain the situation to Natalie. As long as she understood that he did NOT want to be a woman, everything would be fine.

***

Natalie sat there puzzled as the message finished. Hearing it played back to her was even more bizarre than having said it.

“Nathan: Hey Natalie. Look, I know you were thinking about transitioning, you know becoming trans in that body. And as much as I respect that, I can't let you do it. I am a man, and have always been one. I will never be anything other than a man, and so I think you should respect that as well.

I know I can be confusing sometimes, hell I even confuse myself. But I can promise you right here that I never, in my life, ever wanted to be a woman. Not one part of my mind has any desire to be female, not one bit. Maybe I wanted to go back to your life for a bit, but that was just because your life was much better. It had nothing to do with being a woman.

I hope we can soon come together to find a good solution that works for both of us, because becoming a woman again is not going to work out. That’s all I have to say for now. Good bye.”

Shouldn't she be upset right now? Something wasn’t quite right.

Do men usually have to reassure others that they absolutely, positively, one hundred percent do NOT want to be a woman?

Maybe she shouldn’t have thought about convincing him, but it was just a thought. It was too bad that sharing a head meant not even your thoughts were private. Though, if there was one benefit to it, it was that she was able to pick up on things, little things, that Nathan wouldn’t have been able to on his own.

Nathan was full of self-hatred, and he was rarely happy. It was like he was always going through the motions of life, but never truly living. He was there, but he wasn’t fully THERE.

At first she thought he was just depressed, but recently she’d been thinking it was more complicated than him just being depressed. It was about the time when her mother told her that in this reality, Nathan cried when he was really little because he thought he was ugly, that she realized something was seriously up. And his thoughts only served to validate that.

But that wasn’t what tipped her off, nor was it the message. No, what tipped her off was a crucial detail about Nathan’s mental state that she had just begun to recognize. She didn’t notice it before, somehow it had slipped her mind. And it wasn’t a small detail, in fact it was quite huge now that she noticed.

Natalie hated every second she was stuck in this body, that was no secret. There was not a single thing about being a man that she liked. Even the previous upsides like extra strength now seemed like downsides, she felt like she could hurt someone really bad without trying. Every day her disgust, her anger, and her discomfort got worse.

And whenever she was Nathan, that discomfort DIDN’T STOP.

“Natalie: Do you remember our visit to our parents and Kate? Do you remember when I talked to them, Mom specifically? Do you remember what she said to me? She told me about you, and how in elementary school, you cried because you thought you were ugly. She said she tells that story every time you call yourself ugly. EVERY TIME.

Nathan, how many times has that happened? Why do you think you’re ugly?”

Nathan’s fingers rested on the volume buttons on the phone, rubbing them back and forth. He reached with his other hand and took a swig of that sweet cherry flavor of his potion.

Then he pressed the volume buttons and began speaking.

“Nathan: Look, you know how mothers are. They always exaggerate things, make everything sound worse than it actually is. I can promise you, everything is fine. I was a teenager back then, and… teenagers always have low self esteem. Well, maybe not all of them but a lot of them, it’s perfectly normal. It’s an awkward time for everybody, and besides, I haven’t thought I was ugly in a long time.

Have you ever thought you were ugly? I know you have. I caught this memory of yours from being you all this time. You were a freshman in high school, and being in the locker room that first cheerleading practice made you insecure and jealous. So you cried at home because you thought you were ugly, and then Mom came in and assured you that you are beautiful, and just as pretty as the other girls. She told you that negative thoughts like that just bring you down for no reason, and help no one. So you came in the next day with a better mood.

What? You don’t like me bringing that up? I bet you don’t. So don’t bring up some stupid shit about me thinking I was ugly when I was fucking seven to insinuate that I want to be a woman. I don’t, okay? I don’t want to be a woman. I am NOT a woman and never will be, so stop saying I am. I did not go through four fucking weeks of turning into fuck meat for the most disgusting man in the world just to be told that I wanted to be a woman all along, which Astian wouldn’t even have known about anyway! Do you think he wouldn’t have made me like being his girlfriend? He literally made me forget myself, he could’ve done fucking anything he wanted!

I am a man, do you understand? A male. Or do I have to repeat that five hundred more fucking times until you finally get it through your thick skull? I am not going to sit here and let you tell me that I’m some sort of fucking fag!”

Nathan immediately threw the phone at the wall, where it hit with a loud SMACK, then fell to the floor. He flinched at the noise, worrying he may have accidentally woken someone up. Standing up, he walked over and inspected the dent it created, feeling the chipped paint.

He saw himself in the mirror. His face was red, his breathing was heavy, and he swore he could see his fast heartbeat in his reflection.

He looked mad. A mad man who just yelled and cussed at a woman who tried to reach out to him. Like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

He called her fuck meat. The phone had recorded all of it.

The lump in his throat formed as his eyes began tearing up. He reached down to grab the phone, bringing it near his mouth again.

“I’m sorry Natalie, I- I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to call you that. You’re not fuck meat. I’m so sorry. That was really mean. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I lose control sometimes. It’s just… I mean, I don’t know if you’re right but you might be and that scares me. I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to feel like I’m resisting, but I don’t want to give in. It’s so hard.

…

You know, there was this one time, in my second year of college, where I was alone in my dorm room just doing some homework, then suddenly I was breathing heavy and on the floor. I didn’t know what was wrong but I couldn’t stop it. I felt like I was dying and… and I wanted it to stop. I didn’t know why my body was doing this and I hated it. I felt so ugly and it was like I was being crushed. I just wanted some help. I wanted to scream. I was dying.

…I guess drinking made me forget I was ugly.

When my body was changing, when Astian kept harassing me and pestering me. When he groped and grabbed me, I hated it. But I also wanted it. I don’t know, it was like something deep inside me wanted it and liked it. And that made me feel more disgusting than he ever could. If I really did want it, then how can I say what he did was wrong?

How can I even tell this is real? What if this is messing with my memories and making me remember things that didn’t happen? What if it’s just the magic acting up and making me want this? What if the magic is fucking with my memories too? I can’t trust anything, and I hate it.

I hate it so much.

…

I was so lonely. Astian was my only friend.

I trusted him.”

Nathan sniffed and stopped the recording, dropping his phone to the floor and his head to his hands. He rubbed at his eyes to try and contain the oncoming flood.

“I just want to be normal.” He whimpered between sobs.

He wanted to see Sara again. But he wanted it somewhere that felt real. He couldn’t bear the fakeness anymore.

He shakily reached out his hand to grab the potion bottle, taking his last sip of it before laying it down. He threw his face down on his bed and sobbed into the sheets, up until his tears ran dry.

On his night stand rested that potion bottle, fallen on its side, completely empty.

Nathan frowned as he took another walk through all the aisles of the store. It was probably the fifteenth or sixteenth time he’d done so. He knew he was wasting his lunch break, but he didn’t care, he just wanted to find Kira.

No matter how many times he looked, she wasn’t anywhere in the store.

He was alone today, evident from how Natalie wasn’t coming out either.

He probably shouldn’t have been as disappointed as he was, but he really wanted someone to talk to.

***

Nathan felt more defeated than tired when his shift ended. Kira never ended up showing, nor did Natalie. He was truly on his own today, and on one of the worst days for it.

He guessed these sorts of things just happened.

It wasn’t like he wanted much, he just wanted someone who could understand him, if even a little bit.

When he started the car for the drive back home, he decided to take a little detour first. He was in the mood to see some nature, it was a beautiful spring day after all. As he turned his car off the main road and into the back roads leading to the countryside, he took notice of the breeze sweeping through the trees. He opened the windows to feel it himself.

It was quite nice.

A couple of left turns later and he was right at the start of a wide trail cutting through a forest. Just from looking at it he could see how… weird it was. There was something almost mystical about the forest trail, as if it was otherworldly. The sunlight cutting through the trees almost made it look like the air was glowing, or maybe that was just the mist. He could hear birds chirping, but as far as he could tell there were no other people here. In fact, he hadn’t seen any people since he got off the main road, had none of the drivers taken notice of the giant back road just to their right?

Where was this place? It might’ve been an offshoot of the Appalachian Trail, but could something like that go this far in upstate New York?

It did look pretty though. Nathan parked his car and got out, beginning the long walk to wherever the trail ended. Maybe he’d find something really beautiful at the end, if there was one.

***

After a couple minutes Nathan found himself walking up a large hill. And about halfway up the hill, he finally saw what might have been causing the mist.

To his right, above the trees, he saw a waterfall in the distance. It wasn’t especially loud, but he could still hear the water hitting the rocks at the bottom, and he even felt the faint mist on his skin. It was large and wide too, which… couldn’t have been right. New York didn’t have any waterfalls like this, aside from Niagara Falls, but that was all the way up at the Canadian border.

He walked faster up the hill until he finally got to the top, where he hit a dead end. The trail expanded into a dirt and rock covered summit, shaped in what looked like a perfect circle. There was nothing to his front to stop him from falling, while a thick line of trees blocked every possible path behind. He had a much better view of the waterfall up here, and seeing it like this, he could confidently say that there was something beautiful at the end of the trail.

This could’ve easily been the eighth wonder of the world. It was so perfect it was almost as if it wasn’t…

He turned his back and saw Sara standing behind him.

…On Earth.

“You led me here, why?” Nathan asked her.

“You wanted to see me.” She answered. “Is this place real enough?”

Nathan took another look at his surroundings. On the tree right behind Sara he could see a squirrel climbing up the branches, just as it would in any other forest.

“It’ll do.” He said. “Where am I anyway?”

“There are places on Earth that are invisible to anyone who hasn’t been in our realm, or any realm like ours. Sort of like tiny portals scattered all across the planet, taking you to little pocket dimensions with an almost magical quality. You can tell when you’ve entered one, the atmosphere is so much different than on Earth”

“So I’m NOT on Earth?”

“Technically no, but you also kind of are at the same time. It’s hard to explain.”

“Don’t bother trying, I don’t really care.”

Sara snickered, coming to join Nathan as he took a seat against a tree trunk.

“I take it you know everything, right?”

“No actually I don’t. We’re not all knowing, remember?”

“Oh yeah, right.” Nathan replied, feeling stupid. “So much has happened, I’ve been losing track of so much shit.”

“Don’t worry, I get it.” Sara said. “So tell me, please, what’s on your mind?”

“Too many things, and too many people.”

“Oh?” Sara said, interested.

“Ever since I went through that portal as Natalie. Well actually it started before then, but it really started taking a hold after that, my mind split, sort of. I guess you could say I have Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder or whatever the hell it’s called.”

“So I’m guessing, sometimes you’re Nathan and sometimes you’re Natalie.”

“Pretty much.” Nathan confirmed. “Though to be specific, it’s my memories that change. I used to think my personality traits did too but I’m not so sure anymore. Sometimes I have all of Nathan’s memories from before the transformation. It’s his life I remember. That’s where I’m at right now, I’m Nathan. But other times I’m Natalie. It’s her life I remember, and all my memories from before my transformation are her’s. These switches are random, I can’t control them.”

“That is… certainly unusual.”

“Is it concerning?” Nathan asked.

“Not immediately so, I don’t think.” She answered. “I might have to ask someone though.”

“Wonderful.” He said bitterly.

Sara tapped her finger incessantly on the root beneath her. “Is it disorienting when you change?”

“It was at first, but I got used to it.”

“How much do you remember from being the other person, or mind, or… wow it’s hard to find the right word for this… personality?”

“Don’t worry about it, I have a hard time comprehending it too.” Nathan said. “But to answer your question… man it’s hard to explain. I remember everything I did as them. There’s never a moment where I switch and I’m suddenly like ‘where am I, what am I doing’. I remember everything they did as if I was the one doing it. I even remember their thoughts. But their memories are where I get rusty. I don’t think I can ever fully explain it, or even understand it, but I think… the other person needs to be actively thinking about something a lot in order for me to remember it, and how much ‘a lot’ is seems very open to interpretation. And even then, I still can’t remember those memories as if they’re mine, it’s someone else’s life. At least, up until recently. I think that’s the best way I can explain it.”

“Hold on, you said ‘up until recently’ right?” Sara asked. “Can you try and explain that?”

“Sure.” Nathan said. “Well… like I said, at the beginning, Natalie’s memories, or Nathan’s memories when I was her, were not mine, they didn’t feel like mine because I couldn’t recall actually doing those things myself. But recently, it’s like I can. Not all the time, but a good chunk. It’s like we’re getting more mixed together. Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m Nathan or Natalie. And I can remember certain… details about the other person’s life. Like, I know how to put on makeup and everything because I remember it from being Natalie. I also remember having… I remember Astian… well, you get the point.”

“I see…” Sara said. “Has there ever been a time when you have both sets of memories?”

“Maybe, I don’t know. Never while I’m aware of it, at least. One time I tried to force our memories together and it um…” He hesitated. “It didn’t work.” Looking down, he felt the hints of tears well in his eyes. “Memories, painful memories Natalie had to go through. She experienced them herself, and I had to live them a second time.”

Nathan’s mouth turned to a sad smile as he stared out at the waterfall. “You want to know the funniest thing about that night? I don’t even know why I wanted to go to that park. I must’ve looked demented.”

Sara stared at him blankly, taking a long pause before speaking up. “What did Natalie have to say about that?”

“She didn’t like it, obviously. Why would she? She already tried to kill herself and then she had to go through me trying to kill myself, all because of me.” He explained. “She hasn’t thought about it much, and I can’t blame her.”

“Is there a chance I can speak to her about it?”

“You already are.” He answered. “That’s the most frustrating thing about all this, I am Natalie, I know I am. But I’m also… not? I know we’re the same person, or supposed to be, but it’s like we’re different, but also kind of like we’re the same? It’s confusing, she feels the same way.”

“I’m sorry, it’s awful what you’ve been going through.” Sara said. “But… still, I’d like to talk to her sometime again. She was very upset the last time I saw her. Is she doing well?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t seen her all day.”

“No switches?”

“Not since yesterday. Longest I’ve been without one in a while. I swear the world wants me miserable… wants us miserable, I mean.”

Sara stared down at Nathan’s shaking hand, then nodded slowly. “How… badly is she doing?”

“I don’t know, it’s complicated.” He answered, his voice quivering. “Sh- she wants to be…” He took some deliberate breaths to calm down. “She wants to be transgender.”

“Pardon?”

“She… wants to transition into a woman. She really hates being a man.”

“Oh.” Sara cringed for a second. “I’m… not really surprised.”

“What do you mean you’re not surprised? You knew she’d hate it?”

Sara nodded sadly. “Most women aren’t able to adjust to being men. Almost every single one that has tried it has said the same thing, ‘I can’t do it’.”

Nathan’s stress turned to anger, and it built up within him fast as he raised his voice. “So you knew she’d be upset? Why’d you let her go back then?”

“I didn’t want her to go back.” Sara explained. “But I think, looking back, I did the right thing. Sometimes, the best thing for someone is to show them the full picture, even if it hurts them. She was so obsessed, she had to know what being you was like ”

“But you knew it would hurt her!”

“She had to see it. I was never going to abandon her.”

“You sure took a hell of a long time to come back then!”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you!” Nathan yelled, storming out of the summit. He thought he heard Sara try to call him back once, but his mind barely registered it. He was dead set on leaving.

He couldn’t believe Sara just left Natalie to suffer like that. She knew, she fucking KNEW she’d hate being a man, and she never checked in once. One month and no check ins, who the hell did she think she was? Did she ever think of her at all?

Nathan could feel his heart pumping fast, his body filled with adrenaline. To tell someone off like that felt good, he wondered why he didn’t do it more.

At least, it felt good at first.

It wore off soon, and it was fast when it did. Halfway down the hill, Nathan shut his eyes and took a deep breath, standing there as he felt Sara staring at him from above.

He felt a couple tears fall down his face and he wiped them away.

What a great look for him. Surely Natalie would appreciate how much he thought of her.

His face reddened and he turned back, walking back to the top with his head down.

“Are you okay?” Sara asked when he came up.

Nathan looked up at Sara like he was about to cry. “I just want to know what Natalie is feeling like right now.” He said. “I want to help her and I can’t.”

Sara pursed her lips, she needed some time to think. “Have you heard of dysphoria?” She asked.

“Dysphoria? Yes, that word sounds familiar.”

“That’s what Natalie is going through right now. To her, being a man might as well be torture. It’s horrible, she can’t stand it. If she doesn’t transition, she won’t be able to live.”

“I wish I knew what it felt like.” Nathan said, feeling sorry.

“I can try and explain it if you like. I’ve been stuck as a man before.” Sara offered.

“Yes, please do that.”

“Okay…” Sara paused for a bit. “It’s a bit hard to put into words, but… I guess I’d say it’s like, you’re just not there. Yeah, you’re present, but you’re not really living. Everything’s dull, like a grey cloud of nothingness is constantly making you miserable even when you’re supposed to be happy. It’s probably the worst form of depression I’ve ever experienced. You being ugly, you hating yourself, that’s all just normal. At some point you don’t even feel disgust anymore, I sure didn’t. I knew I was ugly, and that was it. I expected nothing else. And that scared me. Suicide was such a casual thought, the idea of making it to next year always seemed ridiculous. When your mind is dead, the idea of being literally dead doesn’t seem that bad in comparison. It has a way of draining the soul out of you, and that’s the worst part of it all. Does that help?”

Nathan stared back at Sara, silently, motionlessly. At first she wondered if something behind her had caught his eye, so she checked there, only to see nothing. She turned back, confused.

“Is something wrong?”

Nathan turned away from Sara, slowly walking further and further to the front of the summit, right before the edge. She grew worried as he stopped and looked into the sky.

“Some beautiful clouds up there.” He pointed up, laughing. “Have you seen that one? Looks like a penis.”

Sara laughed nervously along with him. Nathan smiled and laughed some more.

Then he suddenly collapsed and threw up over the edge.

Sara ran to him. “Oh my god! Are you okay?”

Now loudly dry heaving, Nathan couldn’t get out a response. Tears fell fast from his eyes.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real.” Nathan whispered repeatedly to himself.

Sara rubbed his back as he tried to wipe away the tears. He couldn’t do it, there were too many of them.

“I’m not, I’m not… I am not one of THEM.”

Sara pulled him away from the edge, laying him on the ground. He was so unbelievably pale, like he was drained of life.

“I’m sorry I didn’t check in earlier.” Sara said. “I should’ve. It was a stupid, dickish thing to do and I can’t say I’m sorry enough. You needed it.”

Nathan didn’t respond, he was still whimpering to himself words Sara could only barely make out.

“I’m not… it’s not true, it’s not.”

Sara put a hand on his stomach. “Deep breaths, Nathan, please. Don’t talk, breathe.”

Nathan hadn’t noticed he’d been hyperventilating, so much so that the edges of his vision were beginning to go black. Shit, he couldn’t pass out now. He shut his eyes, and forced his lungs to calm down. In, out, in, out, in, out. He tried to capture that rhythm as best he could.

“Nathan, what’s going on? When you say you’re not ‘one of them’, what do you mean?”

Nathan opened his eyes, his color gradually coming back as his breathing calmed down. He spoke, and when he did, thoughts and feelings that had been locked away at the back of his mind for years began to rear their head.

“No man… likes being a man. Men tolerate being men. A man who actually likes being a man is severely brain damaged. That’s how it is”

“Nathan, that’s not-”

“Yes it is! And everyone knows it. That’s why men are always playing female characters in video games, it’s why they… we like boobs and women’s bodies so much. We’re jealous. Men’s bodies are objectively revolting to actually have. But we power through it because we’re men and we’re not supposed to talk about it. I’m not giving in, I’m never giving in!”

“Nathan, I just… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Nathan focused his eyes on Sara’s face, seeing her relieved he was actually focusing on something. “I don’t either.” He said.

Sara sighed, and gently brought him back up to a sitting position. She sat in front of him, and tried laughing to brighten his mood.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that a lot of what you said was nonsense. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Nathan didn’t laugh back, he just rubbed his eye and sniffed. “No, it doesn’t.” He conceded.

“I take it you’ve been feeling this way your whole life?” She asked.

“I’m… not sure. With what Astian did, how can I even trust it? How can I trust anything? This can all just be an effect of what he put inside my head. I may never have felt like this at all before the transformation. How can I ever know for sure?”

“Does it matter?”

Nathan didn’t answer.

“What are you planning to do?”

“I don’t know.” Nathan replied. “I don’t… want to give in.”

“What’s so bad about giving in?”

“I’m not a-” He hesitated. “Men are supposed to resist it, every other man-”

Sara cut him off. “No Nathan, they don’t. Men DON’T want to be women. Men don’t ‘resist urges’ to be women. It’s not normal. Have you ever asked another man if he ‘resists it’?”

“Not really, um… no.”

“Then how do you know it’s normal?”

Nathan was silent.

“What would it mean to give in?” Sara asked. “Would it mean becoming a woman?”

“No.” He said abruptly. “…I mean… no?” His confidence quickly evaporated.

“Maybe I should put it another way.” Sara said. “If Natalie decides to transition, will you let her do it? Would you be fine transitioning alongside her?”

Nathan started out at the waterfall, trying to imagine himself as a woman. Going out and living his life according to Natalie’s, and… perhaps his own wants and needs.

“I don’t know.” He answered. “If I do, it feels like I’d be validating Astian’s spell. Everything he did wouldn’t be as bad. I’d be accepting all the psychological torment and saying ‘I’m happy being a girl’. It feels kinda… it feels gross is what I’m trying to say, and it feels gross to think that because that’s Natalie I’m thinking about. And she’s so much more than what Astian did to her.”

“And you’re not?”

Nathan, again, was silent.

“Why don’t you think about that these next few days, okay? Think about Natalie transitioning, and how you’d feel about it.”

“Okay.” He said, his lip quivering and eyes filling with tears again. Sara offered her hand to lift him up.

“I’m sorry for everything going so poorly.” Sara told him as he sniffed and wiped his eyes incessantly. “Is there anything going well right now?”

He managed a snicker through his tears. “I met this girl, she’s beautiful. I feel like she understands me a lot. We’re actually going clubbing tomorrow.”

Sara grinned. “Oh really? Nathan Parker going to a club? Never thought I’d see the day.” She snorted. “But seriously, I’m really proud of you.”

“You sound like my Mom.” He said. “God, I have no idea what I’m supposed to wear, I might have to go out and buy something.”

“Oh, you’ll be fine.” She assured him. “Besides, you have Natalie to help you right?”

Natalie smiled with her. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he has a suitable outfit tomorrow.”

Sara seemed a bit taken aback. “Ah… I take it, a switch just occurred?”

Natalie sighed, nodding. “This is how they usually go. No warning, no signs, just an immediate turn.”

“It’s a bizarre thing to see. I couldn’t even tell anything was off looking at your face. Have you gotten that used to the disorientation?”

“I tolerate it.” She answered.

Sara’s smile fell. “You were hurting bad when I saw you last. Nathan told me you still are. How can you even manage living like that?”

“I might have to make some changes.”

“Will he let you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think he knows what he wants.”

“He definitely needs some help.” Sara said. “What about you? Have you been doing fine?”

“I don’t know, but…” Natalie’s face turned a sad smile as she gazed up at the sky. “I think I’ve been put in this world for a reason, I want to find out what that is.”

Sara stepped forward and embraced Natalie in a hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out sooner.”

“It’s okay.”

“I promise I’ll see you again, sometime soon.”

“And I’ll be happy to see you too.”

Sara wrapped her arms around Natalie tighter. “Good bye, Nat.”

And with that, Sara vanished. Nat suddenly found themselves alone on the summit, hugging nothing but themselves.

Nat smiled, they loved themselves.

***

That evening, after Nat returned to the apartment, another message was left recorded on their phone. For most of the night, they didn’t know who was in control, but just for that message, Natalie was able to take charge to say something to Nathan.

“Natalie: Kate Parker is a very smart young woman, you know that as well as I do. One night, I talked to her, and she told me something that’s stuck with me since.

‘If you keep obsessing over what’s real, you’ll drive yourself insane.’

You’re you, and you’re real, so everything about you is real too. How it came to be doesn’t matter.

That woman said that to you too, and sometimes I worry you forgot. I hope you can remember it.”

No, Nathan wasn’t crazy. To say he was WOULD be crazy. He was a very well adjusted man.

He was just frantically scouring the internet for any evidence of magic being real.

The part of him that still wanted to be rational was thinking “of course magic isn’t real, that’s ridiculous, you’re being ridiculous”. And he was being ridiculous, magic was not something that existed in the real world, and it certainly wasn’t something that sensible, level-headed adults believed in.

The much larger part of him was screaming that when he woke up, his hair wasn’t just down to his shoulders, it was STYLED differently.

He was forced to admit the hairstyle looked very nice, maybe even pretty if it was on a woman. But that was the thing, it was a woman’s style, not a man’s.

But when he looked in the mirror, he had to concede it looked pretty fitting on him. That was because, for the most part, he just looked like a woman now. Sure, he still had his penis and testicles, which had definitely gotten smaller in the past three weeks, and his chest hadn’t exactly “filled out”... yet. It could still only really be described as “swollen”. But the rest of his body was undeniably feminine. Hell, the last time he was next to Astian, he found that he had gotten even shorter. He was a full head shorter than him now, the top of his head touching the bottom of his chin.

And he could only tell that because of the part of him that liked being around Astian. That ever growing, terrifying part that really liked being close to him. The closer, the better.

He didn’t want Astian to hug and hold him. He didn’t want Astian to kiss him. But sometimes he daydreamed about it, and he couldn’t stop when he did.

He loved those daydreams. But he didn’t want to love them.

His frantic internet search may have just been to calm him down, and if it was, it didn’t do a very good job. He found nothing, except a few videos with a title along the lines of “REAL TIME TRAVELER CAUGHT ON VIDEO”. If magic was real, then someone out there was doing a great job of containing it. Maybe they had a spell that directed every forum post or video showing magic to them, so they could delete it. Maybe the internet automatically rejected any post or video about magic. It could be anything.

Either way, the result was the same, Nathan was fucked and on his own.

That is if magic was real, he could just be having a major psychotic break making him think he’s becoming a woman. Or maybe he was always a woman and he was coming out of a psychotic break making him think he was a man.

Okay, he needed to stop speculating. Speculating led to bad thoughts like that.

He should shower instead, it was getting late. A shower could calm him down, right? It had worked before.

He went to the bathroom and saw his face in the mirror again. And when he did, he noticed another detail he missed before.

His eyebrows were much thinner and nicer looking than before. He didn’t know what the exact word for it was, but he looked like he had them “done”, whatever that meant.

He sighed, hearing his voice for the first time in hours. It was the only thing left about him that hadn’t changed at all, thankfully. But with how the rest of his body was, that probably wouldn’t last much longer.

The shower did feel nice. He was really coming to like how the hot water felt on his new, soft skin. That wasn’t the only thing he liked either, as when his hands kept feeling around his body, he noticed just how fit he was. It wasn’t the first time he noticed, but it was never more apparent than it was then. He wasn’t buff, not remotely. His arms were thinner than before and didn’t look like they had any muscle. But his body felt graceful, limber, even elegant, especially with his new hourglass figure. Moving around felt WAY better than it did three weeks ago. He hadn’t realized how shit him getting fatter was making him feel.

He should really keep this up and work out more.

He did feel a lot of hair as he cleaned his body though. It’d been a few days since he shaved. He should get on that again.

He reached out for a razor, which…

Wait, why was there a razor in here?

He held the light blue razor up, puzzled. This wasn’t here before. Hold on, what had he been cleaning himself with anyway?

He looked to the shower shelves and realized he’d been washing his body with feminine looking and smelling soaps and shampoo. He’d even used the conditioner. He didn’t recognize the products, where did all the girly stuff come from? Was it Astian’s?

Actually, it was probably his sister’s.

He figured he might as well make good use of it so long as it’s here. He hoped Astian’s sister wouldn’t mind him using her products.

Little by little, all the hairs on his body were cut off, falling down the drain. It was immensely satisfying, and once he was done, he felt around his skin and relished how smooth it was. He needed to do this more often.

When he got into bed that night, he felt so clean. He loved it so much he almost forgot what he was so upset about.

Something about Astian… Astian was so nice. Nathan really wanted to lay in bed with him, feeling his arms around him. Astian was like a bed himself, keeping him safe and warm. Even just imagining cuddling with him made Nathan feel aroused, and his penis began to stir.

A smile crept onto his face.

There was a small part of him, at the back of his mind, screaming that this was wrong, that he was going mad, and that he needed to keep focus.

But the rest of Nathan was too tired to care.

***

Natalie had a smile on her face as she slept. She loved Astian so much. In her mind, she pictured him on top of her in the bed, moving his hands through her body, caressing her, kissing her, and… taking off her clothes.

She suddenly stood up in bed, breathing heavily, frantically running her hands through her head and hair as if to shake off a bug infestation. Her hands wrapped around her chest, trying to stave off the hideous feeling she had in her gut.

The revulsion.

That’s all she felt when she thought of Astian, revulsion.

She came into a fetal position and cried. As much as she hated him, the hold he held over her was overwhelming. He wasn’t even there and he still had so much control.

She wanted it to stop, she wanted him out of her mind.

She didn’t care if Kira didn’t like her back, she didn’t care if nothing ever happened between them. She didn’t care that she liked her that way anymore.

She just wanted Astian gone.

The sun was up, work was in thirty minutes, and her bladder was close to bursting. But Natalie did not get up from the bed. Mentally, she was just too exhausted, from Astian, from Kira, from Nathan, and from herself. She was tired of life.

She found herself dreading the night after work. Why did she agree to go out clubbing with Kira? Kira didn’t love her back, and Natalie shouldn’t have been loving her at all. She was only setting herself up for disappointment. “Friends can go clubbing” is not something that works when your mind is forcing you to crush on someone. Besides, Kira wasn’t going to drive Astian out of her mind.

Would she?

No, definitely not.

She sighed and picked up her phone. Twenty-five minutes until she had to leave. Her bladder was basically at the seams now.

She closed her eyes and brought her phone down to her stomach, breathing deeply.

Today was going to be a long day.

***

It took her another five minutes before she finally went to the bathroom and began getting ready. Doing the daily process sort of helped, by the time she was in her car she was back at her usual crappy morning mood, an improvement compared to before.

On her way to work she passed by a nightclub, the same one she went so many times to as Natalie. Even just a brief glance from the corner of the eye filled her mind with memories of dancing in extravagant outfits.

Another item on the ever increasing list of things she missed about being a woman: feeling sexy. She never really felt sexy as a man. And like a lot of things lately, she never realized just how much she liked it until it was ripped away from her.

She managed to put that out of her mind long enough to make it to Home Depot. Time to get this shift over with, then she has the weekend to herself. Hopefully she could have another talk with Sara. There were a LOT of things they needed to discuss.

For now, she was just going to go up to Kira, tell her she had other plans preventing her from going clubbing, and apologize for the inconvenience. It was what was best for both of them. The sooner she ripped this band-aid off, the better.

Hopefully she was here today.

Natalie walked through the front doors of Home Depot, went to the paint department, and with a sigh of relief, she saw Kira standing there, all decked out in her uniform and violet hair. Natalie’s gaze got stuck on her eyes when she turned around. Her eyeliner was really pretty today…

“Oh hey Nathan.” She said. “Sorry I wasn’t here yesterday, something came up. More family drama, rather not talk about it.”

“Uh… yeah…”

“Hey, are you okay?” Kira asked, sounding concerned. “You look a little pale.”

“I do?” Natalie asked nervously. “I mean… that’s not important. You’re not my Mom.”

Kira huffed at that. “Where would the world be if we didn’t have more people acting like your Mom and worrying about your safety? Now, is something wrong? You can tell me if you want.”

Natalie gulped. “I… um…” She hesitated, her eyes darting back and forth from the clock to Kira.

“I…” Natalie started. “…Just wanted to say I’m very excited for the club tonight and I-I can’t wait to go there tonight!”

Kira squinted her eyebrows, clearly confused. Natalie almost forced a smile, but decided not to. It’d probably make her look psychotic.

Natalie was about to turn away to hide in the bathroom, but behind her, Kira tilted her head, just a bit, and said “you know you don’t have to go if you don’t want to”.

Natalie stopped, closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths to calm her heartbeat. She slowly turned around and walked back to her.

“I guess I’m not as slick as I thought.” Natalie snorted.

“You weren’t.” Kira affirmed. “Are you really having second thoughts about it? It’s fine if you are, I won’t mind.”

“No it’s just…” Natalie paused, trying to gather her thoughts. “I guess I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I… don’t know if I should go?”

“There’s that word again, should.” Kira remarked.

“What about it?”

“I remember you telling me you’ve been doing a lot of things because you think you have to, but you weren’t thinking about what you want. So, tell me, if you stop thinking about if you SHOULD come clubbing with me, what do you WANT?”

“I…” Natalie had to think. What did she want? She wanted Astian out of her mind, she wanted to be a woman again, and she wanted to stop loving Kira, all things that pointed to her not going clubbing as a man with the woman she was clearly attracted to. She knew that would only make things worse.

…How did she know that?

She looked to the floor with the same squinted eyebrows Kira had on her face earlier. She… may have been doing a little too much guessing there. She couldnt know for sure if the club would be bad for her, not unless she went.

And… she really did want to go.

She looked back to Kira’s face, and saw that beautiful, vibrant violet hair again. She looked back to her eyes, once more seeing how pretty they were.

And she realized, what the hell was she doing? She was in this world for a reason, and that reason was not to run away from life. She was not about to let anyone down, not Kira, not Nathan, not herself.

“I’ll go.” Natalie said, confident. “I want it.”

Kira looked at Natalie with a hint of skepticism. “You’re sure of it?”

“Why would I lie?”

Kira smiled, giving her a nod. “Alright. I… guess we’ll be meeting after work today?”

“Won’t we be getting lunch together?”

Kira snorted. “Right, thanks for reminding me. We’ll meet at lunch.”

Nathan smiled and nodded back. “Yes, that sounds… great. I can’t wait.”

Nathan and Kira went to a different diner for lunch this time. It wasn’t like anything in particular stood out about it though, a lot of diners just sort of meshed together. The most unique thing about this one was the light 50s theming, mainly from the abundance of Elvis songs being played on the speakers. Clearly the owner of this place was a big fan.

The repetitive song choices barely registered to Nathan though. He was stuck in a trance, thinking of almost nothing except Kira. His trance was so strong that he couldn’t quite recall how he got into a conversation about his gender. Whatever it was Kira asked that started it, shook him out of his daze enough for fear to seep into his mind again.

He didn’t want to discuss it, he didn’t even like thinking about it.

But if Natalie could rip off her bandaid, he could rip off his.

“I don’t know what I feel like, if that’s what you’re wondering.” He said. “I know people often say things like ‘I feel like a man’ or ‘I feel like a woman’ but I don’t really feel those sorts of things. It’s a hard thing to put into words.”

Kira leaned it a bit closer to him. “Does this mean you’re-”

“Transgender?” Nathan finished for her. “I have no idea. I guess I should say I’m ‘open to experimentation’.” He paused, his hand starting that familiar motion of tapping each of his fingers to his thumb. “There’s a… well, part of me that will probably decide the nitty gritty of it. I’ll go along with what she does.”

Kira chuckled and Nathan’s face went red.

“Oh, I guess I said ‘she’.” He said. “Fuck.”

“It’s okay.” She laughed. “I like your approach. I do want to know what you mean by ‘nitty gritty’, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, well… I guess that’s the hormones and surgeries and name change and all that. Plus a new wardrobe.” He said. “God just saying all that, it sounds so expensive.”

“Everything’s expensive these days.” Kira lamented. “I swear sometimes this country is out to kill us.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling.” Nathan said back. “Wow, I… feel a lot better. Huge weight off my chest.”

“Well, if you start those hormones, you better get ready to get some huge weight ON your chest.” Kira said slyly. “I’m sorry, that was horrible.”

It was such a stupid joke, Nathan had no idea why he couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t worry, I think my standards for comedy have gotten real low lately.”

“God, I’ve turned into my Dad.” Kira said, almost disappointed. “I guess it could be worse, I could’ve turned into Jerry Seinfeld.”

Nathan had to cover his mouth to keep his laughing down. He really hoped no one was looking at him. The joke wasn’t even that funny, he was just in that much of a good mood today.

His trance returned as their conversation went on. By the time lunch ended, he had already forgotten most of what they talked about. His mind had become so fixated on what was going to happen later that night.

This was going to be a night to remember, he was sure of it.

***

When the clock finally signalled the end of his shift, Nathan was all but ready to throw himself in his car for the ride home. But he waited until he saw Kira come up, and hand him a piece of paper.

“Meet you there at 7.” She said. “Don’t be late.”

She smiled at him as she walked away. Nathan could’ve sworn she winked at him, but that was probably just his imagination. Either way, he stared at the paper in his hand, reading its contents over and over again.

Same nightclub he went to so often as Natalie, and he only had so much time before he had to get ready for it.

Holy shit, he was actually doing this.

As he walked back to his car, his emotions felt like they’d all meshed together into some incomprehensible blur. Was he afraid? Doubtful? Excited? He was probably all three, and certainly way over his head.

He held a mostly blank expression on his face as he drove home, which continued as he passed by that nightclub. In a few hours he’d be in there, dancing to music that was way too loud alongside people who were way too drunk. Having the kind of hellish, chaotic fun that would leave a mark. This wasn’t just fun, these were thrills.

He hadn’t noticed he suddenly started breathing heavily.

He forced himself to calm down as he drove his car into his apartment parking lot. He took a little longer getting to his door today. He just had too much on his mind.

He shut the door to his apartment and slowly made his way to the bathroom, checking himself in the mirror. This was one of his better looking days. Well groomed, good posture, and his eyes nearly looked alive. If there was any day for him to go out to the club, this was definitely the day.

He laid down his arms on the sink, one across from the other, and leaned in closer.

“This is a good thing.” He thought to himself. “It’s good to try new things. I’ve gone to the club as Natalie before, I’ll be fine.”

Surprisingly, that mostly worked. He confirmed for himself that he was only a little nervous, and not on the verge of having a panic attack and collapsing. This was all normal, routine stuff. He was going to have a lot of fun today, that’s what mattered.

Still, there was one thing that hadn’t stopped worrying him.

He liked Kira. Natalie liked Kira.

She loved her.

Natalie stared into the reflection of her eyes. She remembered the saying, “the eyes are the window into the soul”, and she wasn’t sure if what she was seeing was just metaphorical bullshit or something she was tricking herself into thinking was there, but when she saw her eyes, she saw the eyes of a woman who loved another woman. The eyes of a woman who always loved women, but could never admit it.

Loving another woman was shameful, as she always knew growing up. In a hick town like her old one, a boy would never be caught loving another boy, nor would a girl ever be caught loving another girl. If they were caught, they might not lose all their social standing, but they’d for sure forever be cast off as a “weirdo”, someone to avoid. A target meant to be mocked.

Things like teen drama and high school popularity seem so stupid and pointless now. But no matter what she felt as an adult, there was a time when that was her whole world. When you’re a teenager, school is like a second home, one you spend nearly half your life in. It’s where you have to be, and the other students are who you have to be with. That’s the world you have to navigate. For so much of your life, it’s the only world you know. Losing your social standing feels like the end of the world as a teenager because in a way, it kind of is.

But she was an adult now. None of that should matter anymore. Why did it feel like it still mattered?

In her head she could still hear the voices of the bullies, mocking her, belittling her, all because they thought she was a lesbian. Natalie angrily retorted back that she wasn’t a lesbian, and so it was wrong to bully her. As a 13 year old she wouldn’t have known it, but looking back on it now she saw that she was, in a way, validating the bullies. She was ceding to their point that if she was a lesbian, she’d deserve to be mocked. She’d deserve all the name calling and harassment. But she was straight, so she didn’t.

And now just look at her, she was head over heels for another woman. She wanted to say it was because Nathan and her were getting all meshed together in the head, and maybe they were.

But she couldn’t deny the fact that when she was in middle school, she really was attracted to her main bully.

She sighed. What was the point in denying it anymore? She liked women, she always had.

“I like women.” She said to herself in the mirror. “I always have, I’m in love with another woman.”

After she said that, she felt a small sense of pride start to build within her. That felt… kinda good actually. It was like what Nathan said before, it was relieving to have such a huge weight lifted off your chest. But this was more than that. This was like finally unleashing some deep seated repressed part of yourself buried deep within your mind.

It was almost… liberating.

Natalie grinned and said again, “I like women”. Then again, “I like women”. And again, and again until eventually she was saying “I love women”.

She wasn’t admitting it anymore, she was OWNING it. The voices of old bullies had been drowned out by her pride. Wow! No wonder “coming out of the closet” was such a big deal, this felt amazing! Compared to now, she was barely alive before.

She did have to ask the question of if she was still attracted to men. She probably was, but she’d need some time to be comfortable with it again.

Astian had broken her.

Coming down from a high, her mind reminded her to be realistic. Kira still probably didn’t love her back, and she probably wasn’t going to take her home. But that was okay, she was over that now. If she could just have one night like this one, it’d be worth it.

And who knows, maybe Kira would dance with her.

She looked back to the mirror with a smile, then out the window and to the sky. She just knew the stars would be beautiful tonight.