Dan waited outside his boss’s office bedside the door. He could smell the sweet perfume coming from Cindy, his boss’s secretary. He looked at her as she faced away from him photocopying. She was slim but had a nicely rounded bottom. She wore a narrow black skirt and black stockings. He wasn’t sure. He knew she did sometimes, as he had seen the bulges of the clips outlined in her skirt before. She had a silky white short sleeved blouse on and 3-inch heels.
She looked like a textbook secretary. Oh, how he wished he could have been her. He had struggled with his gender identity all his life. His father had caught him wearing a towel around his waist and one over his head pretending to be a girl and spanked him until he screamed.
His mother soothed him and patiently explained he was a boy, and he would never be a girl. He hid his pain and cried himself to sleep that night. He used to pray every night that he would wake up the next morning as a girl.
Being an only child, he was often left alone at home in his teens. He used his time to explore his mother drawers and wardrobe. He always hated the clock. He would be obsessed with checking the time so he would not be caught. While he was dressed in his mother clothes he would dream of another life. A life full of colour and feelings, a life where he could express himself, tell people how he felt. His heart used to sink when he had to go back to being a dull teenage boy.
Cindy turned her head, and Dan hastily looked away. Soon after he was sitting in his bosses office.
“Right Dan, not got much time, so I’ll be brief. I want you to look after a new member of staff. She will start tomorrow morning and I want you to make sure she doesn’t have any problems.”
OK, but why not let the other girls in the sales office take care of her? Why the special treatment?”
“Well Mandy is a trans woman. I know, before you say anything, I don’t agree with all that gender change crap. Bunch of weirdos if you ask me.”
Dan knew all about “that gender change crap”. He had realised he was not the only one who felt the way he did when he first went on the internet in the late 90’s. He knew he should be one of the “weirdos”. He had kept quiet and now had a wife and teenage kids.
“Look Dan, we can’t afford her to get upset by anyone. We have hired her to tick some boxes. We have been hiring a more ethnic workforce, as you will have noticed.”
Dan had noticed. When he had started, everyone of the thirty three employees was white. He did think that was odd. Recently he had noticed the workforce had thankfully been more diverse.
“Now with this.. creature working here, we tick the LGBT box. It will look good for when we float the company. The only thing is, I have seen what those Stonewall fanatics do when any trans people are criticized. We can’t afford the bad publicity. So you make sure that she has nothing to complain about, got it?”
“Yes Mike. I’ll look after her. There won’t be any problems.”
“Look I know a man like you may be sickened by having to be nice to a person like that, but if it all goes well I’ll look after you at your next salary review.”
Dan went to work looking forward to meeting this woman who had done what he never could. She was true to how she felt inside. It would be fascinating getting to know her.
When he finally met Mandy, he was impressed. She was a confident woman in her mid-thirties. She dressed stylishly and he only noticed a slight masculine hint in her face. If he didn’t know he would not have noticed. He felt a slight twinge of jealousy.
He introduced her to the rest of the staff in the sales office and she interacted with smiles and jokes. She was obviously comfortable in her skin. He couldn’t help feeling drawn to her. After a busy morning showing her how the computer system worked he asked her if she wanted to go out and get lunch.
They sat in the café just chatting about the company. Dan was aching to ask her about herself. Mandy seemed to sense this.
“Before you burst Dan, I won’t be too upset if you ask me about myself.”
“Is it that obvious? You honesty fascinate me . You are so feminine. I never would have known if I weren’t told. When do you transition?”
“First, thank you. It is always nice to hear that. I seem confident, but sometimes I’m a mess inside. I have doubts and fears like everyone else. I transitioned five years ago. I have been on hormones for ten.”
“I know you are probably used to people saying you are brave, but it couldn’t have been easy coming out like that to your family.”
“Well that part was easy. I grew up in care so I never needed to ask anyone‘s permission. With me it was just a case of being able to afford it. I had my surgery in Thailand.”
They had a frank and in-depth conversation about surgery and recovery. On the way back Mandy asked Dan a question.
“Dan, you seem to know an awful lot about the different surgical techniques. Can I ask you? Have you considered it yourself? You haven’t asked the usual questions about my sex life that many people ask.”
Dan panicked. Was he this easy to read? He didn’t know what to say. He had carried this secret his whole life. It would be so nice to talk to someone to share how he felt. He barely knew Mandy, but he was aching to tell her. He instinctively knew she would understand.
“Well it’s just.. I er.”
His phone rang and saved him the need to explain.
He couldn’t get to sleep that night he kept going over what he would have said to Mandy. Should he tell her? Or should he just muddle along with his life as it was. He was afraid, it was like he was about to unlock Pandora’s box.
The next day Dan was very wary around Mandy. She of course sensed this and asked him out to lunch. At first, he refused, but then thought it was unfair. It was his problem, not hers.
Sitting in the café the conversation was muted. Dan was wary of her. She seemed to be able to look into him. He suspected that she knew he wanted what she had.
“Dan, I think I understand what’s going on. You dress or have dressed as a woman before, haven’t you?”
Dan could feel his face flush red. He could barely look at her.
“Look Dan. I have been where you are. I won’t judge you for how you feel. How could I? Your secret is safe with me. Just know I understand, you have a friend and an ally. You’re a nice guy, but I can see that you’re sad inside.”
She put her hand over his when she said this. Dan froze. His innermost “dirty” secret was out to a woman he barely got knew. He felt a mixture of fear and relief. It was so confusing.
He just looked at her, not knowing what to say.
“Dan please come to my flat after work. Tell your wife you have to work late. I’ll explain. I know I can help you. Please trust me.”
Dan's heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest. Did she want him? Was she going to threaten him? No that was so stupid. He knew she was a nice person. He just felt so vulnerable with her knowing his secrets. She could ruin his life.
“OK, but I can’t be long. Two hours at most.”
“Please Dan. Don’t worry. I know I can help.”
After work he gave her a lift home. Mandy lived in a private tower block on the other side of town. Dan worked out it would take around thirty minutes to get home. When they arrived at her flat Mandy sat him on the sofa and asked him if he wanted coffee. She put the perculator on and the busied herself while he watched the news on tv.
“The coffee will be ready in a few minutes. Please come with me, I want to show you something.”
She led him to her bedroom. Dan started to pull away. She was attractive, but he was faithful to his wife.
“Dan we’re not here for that look what's on the bed.”
On the bed there was a black summer dress covered with red roses, a pair of silky black knickers and a pair of dark tights.
“What’s that for?”
“For you silly. I know from what you told me about your family life you have very little chance to dress at home. It must be so difficult for you. These should fit you. No pressure, if you don’t want to. I’ll leave you here and finish the coffee. See you when you decide.”
His heart was thumping. He had not been able to dress for years. Now there was a chance to do it in front of someone. This had never happened before. What if she took a picture of him to blackmail him?
Mandy waited in the living room. There were two steaming mugs of coffee on the table in front of her. Dan appeared in the doorway looking like a deer caught in headlights. The dress fitted him well. he had even put the tights on.
“That’s better. How do you feel?”
Dan’s heart was thumping. His throat was dry.
“Er. Ok I guess.”
“Come on sit down and really tell me about yourself.”
Dan slowly opened up. He told her about how he always felt he should have been a woman. How he knew he never could be, but the feeling never went away. He told her how he had put his wife’s knickers on in the bedroom once. She had got very upset, so he said it was all a joke. He felt so bad for upsetting her.
“This is the first time I have worn a dress since I was eighteen. It feels, so right, but I feel guilty. I’m a man. I have to be a man for my family.”
Tears were streaming down his face as he said that. Her heart went out to him. She had felt all these feelings. She crossed over to his chair, went to her knees and hugged him.
“There, there. Its Ok to cry. You’re going to be fine.”
He buried his head in her shoulder and sobbed loudly. He was wailing like a baby. She held him tight.
“It’s OK. You’re doing fine.”
After five minutes he was cried out.
“Come on drink some coffee.”
He gulped his coffee and coughed.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know where that came from. What must you think?”
“I think you are a nice person that needs an understanding friend.”
“Men don’t cry. I made myself look stupid.”
“Men do cry silly. Humans cry. You have just been taught that men don’t cry. I actually think it was the girl inside crying though. You have denied her for years.”
Dan knew she was telling the truth. He had longed to be a woman. He thought about it all the time.
He explained all this to Mandy.
What could he do? He had a wife and two children to support. He couldn’t let them down. Their lives would be ruined if he popped up and said, Hey, guess what? I am a woman now. From today you can call me Danielle.
He knew he would lose his wife, kids and job. It wasn’t an option. He felt trapped. It was no one’s fault but his own. He remembered his mother telling him he would never be a woman.
“Dan it isn’t your fault. Its just the way we are made. It took me years to accept that. I know what you’re going through.”
“I suppose you’re going to tell me to be true to myself. Tell everyone I’m going to live as a woman? Well, I bloody well won’t So you can forget that. I have too much to lose!”
He spat out the last few words.
“Hey, friend here remember. No, I won’t tell you that. We all have to find our own way. What is right for me may not be for you. Now honestly tell me how you feel wearing those clothes.”
“I er, I feel normal. It feels like I should be like this all the time. I feel calm. It would feel better with a wig and a bit of makeup, but I haven’t done that since I left my parents.”
“You have spent half your life fighting what’s inside. It won’t go away. It’s part of you. It’s what makes you Dan. The nice guy that all the guys and girls in the office like.”
“So, what do I do?”
“That’s for you to decide. I would suggest you don’t supress Danielle. Let her out every now and again. I promise you’ll feel better for it.”
Dan sipped his coffee. So much had just happened. He was sitting there in a dress and women’s underwear, and he felt better than he had for years. Confession really was good for the soul.
“Would you let me come here sometimes and dress? I know it’s asking a lot.”
“If that’s what you feel would help. You do what makes you feel better. What ever makes being you easier. There was a line in an old Cat Stevens song. But it's them they know, not me. It’s very true. Well meaning people will give you advice, but we aren't all the same. You need to find your own level. Some compromise that makes your life as good as it can get. Life is all about compromise. Very little is absolute.”
Dan was silent. His head hung low. She saw tears dripping down onto the dress. She put her arms around him and drew him to her.
“What’s the matter. You’re going to be fine. Shush now.”
“It’s not that. Why couldn’t I have met you years ago? It has been so good talking to you. You seem to see right into my soul. I want to thank you for what you are doing for me.”
“If you had met me years ago. I would have been a mess. We learn as we go along. I have just passed what I learned along the way. Some need to go the whole way, some through necessity can’t. It doesn’t make you less of a person, or even a woman. It’s not a competition.”
Dan glanced at the clock. He had to go. He reluctantly put his suit back on. At the front door he gave Mandy a heartfelt hug.
“You are one wonderful woman Mandy. Thank you for tonight.”
As he drove home, he felt lighter than he had ever felt in his life. He couldn’t help smiling. He knew he wasn’t the only one. There was now an outlet for his feminine side. Just telling someone about himself was like lifting a huge weight off his shoulders. Now all he had to do was find his own level.
Over the next couple of months, Dan mentored Mandy at work and Mandy mentored Dan in the skills of dressing and makeup. Dan worked late at least once a week. He had told his wife that there was a lot of work involving turning the company into a PLC.
She didn’t mind. She said he seemed a bit happier these days with all the extra work. Dan was very careful. He always showered before he went home. He was always checking himself in the mirror in the car before he went inside.
On one Wednesday night he had dressed and a short sleeve black dress, black tights and a deep red, long wig. He had made an almost perfect job of the makeup. He had used a gentle orange to cover what little facial hair he had. His foundation gave him a smooth complexion .
“Hey, Mandy. What do you think.? My best yet!”
“That’s some good work, Dani. It’s too good to waste.”
“What do you mean?”
“Fancy a walk?”
Dan’s heart started beating faster. He had always wanted to be seen by the world as a woman. It was one of the things on his bucket list. But what if they were caught?
“I’m not sure Mandy. What if someone sees us?”
“That’s the idea really. Look it isn’t illegal unless you are proposing to start touting for business.”
“I understand that, it’s just that I’m worried someone will know I’m a man.”
“Listen silly. Most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to notice every detail of those around them. You’ll only attract attention if you act nervous. Just act like you belong there. Own it. Be quietly confident. You look so good, the only looks you’re going to get are admiring ones. Be Dani.”
Mandy was right. She felt wonderful as they walked down the high street. She caught a man staring at her. At first, she nervously looked away. Then Mandy pointed out he was looking at her legs. Dani looked down at her ankle boots. She did look hot.
This added a whole new dimension to Dan’s life. He felt more complete. For a few hours a week he could interact with the world as Dani. His work colleagues and his family noticed he was a lot happier. They had even visited a trans friendly pub. Dani had really enjoyed just being herself there. She wondered what it would be like to live her life as a woman. Then she remembered her love for her family. She would surely lose that. Ah but these moments were so sweet. Perhaps she had found her level?
Dani owed all this to this wonderful woman. She had to tell her.
“Mandy, I just want to tell you what you have done for me. You have changed my life. I was just existing before. Now for short, sweet moments, I can be who I was meant to be. I don’t know how I can repay you?”
Dani had tears in her eyes as she said the last part. She was hugging Mandy tight.
“Come on Danielle, you’re not wearing waterproof mascara. You’ll look like a panda if you blub.”
They broke apart.
“Sorry, but why are you so nice?”
“Doing what I do, and being what I am, you get to realise how much people matter. A kind word can make you happy when you’re down. Someone helping you when you’re in trouble can restore your faith in human nature. Being trans gives you a wonderful perspective on humanity. You get to see the worst that people can be, but it makes you really appreciate those who accept you for what you are. You have been kind to me Dani. I owe you my thanks too.”
“I mean it Mandy. Anything I can help you with, I will.”
“There is something Dani. Would you come out with me and another trans lady to the pub we went to last week?”
“Yes of course I will. “
“Just be prepared for possible problems.”
This puzzled Dani, but she never asked what Mandy meant.
The following week as Dani was getting ready at Mandy’s flat there was a knock on the door. In walked a large man in workman’s overalls.
“Sorry I’m late ladies. I just need a quick shower.”
Dani understood. As Dan she looked like a man, but Dan was not overly masculine. Dan did not have a strong jawline or a square rugged face with a prominent nose. With the right makeup, Dan really looked like Dani.
This man, who Dani learned was called Jon, did. Mandy did an amazing job with Jon’s makeup, but poor Joanna, as she liked to be called, still looked like a man in a dress. Dani could see it meant so much to Joanna to be dressed and made up. Her heart went out to her. Dani realised how lucky she truly was.
Poor Joanna was 6ft 2. Even with the flat shoes she had on, she still stuck out like a sore thumb as they walked down the high street towards the pub. Then it happened.
“Oi, you! Fucking tranny. Do you want to suck my friend off?”
It was two drunk lads who thought it was ok to get their kicks at someone else’s expense. Dani saw Joanna’s fists ball. She was sure she would go and give these idiots a good beating.
Mandy calmed her.
“Calm down Jo, blood won’t go well with that dress.”
At the pub they got a few sharp looks when they walked in, then it all settled down. Mandy went to the bar to get their drinks. Jo turned to Dani.
“Are you another of Mandy’s lost souls?”
“Well, if you mean has she helped me. Yes, she has more than I can say. You?”
"I met her and tried to date her. She has a way doesn’t she. She told me I didn’t want to be with her. I wanted to be her. I broke down and confessed about my past. I had been dressing for years, but kept throwing my clothes away in disgust. Who would ever think I’m pretty?”
Dani realised something then. She used to think that it wasn’t fair that she could only be Dani for short periods. But at least she looked convincing as a woman. He could interact with the world as a woman. Poor Jo would never know what that felt like. She just wished she could help in some way.
They had a couple of drinks and then noticed a middle aged man at the bar was looking at them.
Mandy looked at Dani and winked.
“I think you have an admirer, Jo.”
Jo smiled sadly.
“Who would want this?”
She gestured to her face.
“I’m getting us another drink ladies.” Said Dani as she headed toward the bar.
“Hi beautiful what can I get you?” said the man.
“You do realise that under this I’m a guy right?”
“Yeah, that’s why I come here. How about a date.”
“Look I’m married. I haven’t even begun to think about my sexuality as a woman.”
“How about we find out together?”
Dani thought for a moment.
“OK, suppose I think about it. I want something in return though.”
Dani returned to her seat without the drinks.
“Did that guy upset you Dani?” Said Mandy.
“No, the opposite. He’s buying our drinks.”
The man appeared with a tray of drinks and placed them on the table.
“Beautiful ladies shouldn’t have to buy their own drinks.”
“Thank you sir, that’s kind of you." Mandy said.
“Don’t get me wrong. You two smaller ladies look wonderful. But your tall friend here has my head spinning. Have always had a thing about tall strong women. I have the box set of Game of Thrones just so can Admire Brienne of Tarth. You look amazing love.”
The man lifted Jo’s hand and kissed it. Jo’s mouth was gaping in shock.
“Your friend told me you don’t swing that way. Pity. Anyway, I must rush. Take care sexy.” he winked at Jo as he left.
Walking back to Mandy’s flat, Jo was beaming. Her smile even helped soften her face a little. Mandy leant in close to Dani and whispered.
“That was good thing you did. I have never seen Jo so happy. Seems you’ve taken a leaf out of my book.”
Dani did feel good. She just hoped she could be as nice when she was back being Dan.