“No.” Natalie stated firmly.

“No?” The woman asked. “Why not?”

Natalie forced out a laugh. “Why not?” She repeated mockingly. “Because no program will ever help me get over the fact that my entire life was a lie that didn’t happen.”

“I know this can all be very hard to accept.” The woman said back. “But what you said is hardly the full picture-”

“Oh.” Natalie interrupted. “And also my fiancé was a lunatic who changed reality itself just so he could get a girlfriend. When he proposed to me, and I said yes, did that not even happen? Was it just a memory he implanted in my head to get me to love him? Did any of my memories happen?”

“You’re not alone. Many other people have been in your position. It’s okay to be unsure.”

“Unsure!?” Natalie stood up and yelled. “I’m just unsure!? I don’t even know who the hell I am!”

“Please try to calm down.”

“I want to go back home! Right now!”

“Please, if you can’t calm down, we might need to cast a spell to-”

“GET ME OUT OF HERE! NOW!”

The woman did not know what to say next. She was quite a bit taken aback by Natalie’s sudden change in demeanor. Just a few minutes ago she was staring at the ground, barely moving at all, and now she was screaming at the top of her lungs. In all fairness, she wasn’t that experienced with identity death victims, so maybe this wasn’t really that surprising.

“Get me out.” Natalie repeated, softly.

“Okay.” The woman said to her. “Let’s go.”

***

The empty, seemingly endless white void was a plague on Natalie’s senses. After two weeks of walking back and forth from building to building in the vacant space, she felt like she was going to go mad.

She wondered, what the hell was she even walking on? There was no visible floor under her, just more white. Was there more under the floor? Did the area under the floor even exist? Just how far did this void go?

She was at least sure of one thing: she never wanted to see the color white again.

During her walk, Natalie learned that the woman she was following was named Sara. She seemed to be a nice woman, all things considered, but Natalie was just not in the mood for conversations. And it took a few failed attempts to start one for Sara to finally realize that.

Sara opened the front door to the hotel that Natalie had been staying in for the duration of the trial. Every day for the last two weeks, she had woken up in her bed, eaten breakfast, then walked down to the courthouse for most of the day. It was very tiring and tedious, and she was glad to finally be going home.

Sara and Natalie approached the woman at the front desk.

“Natalie will be leaving today.” Sara said. “But she may be coming back soon.”

Natalie groaned while Sara gave her a sympathetic look.

The woman at the front desk wrote something down on what looked like some kind of booklet, then happily said “alright, you’re all set, have a great day”.

With that, Natalie and Sara went to the elevator and hit the button to the fourteenth floor. Silence hung in the air as the elevator went up, a silence that was soon broken as they reached their destination.

“Hey…” Sara said hesitantly. “I know you said you didn’t want to enter the program, but I really think it’s what’s best for you. A lot of people in your position have been helped by it.”

Natalie didn’t say anything in response.

“Look… I’m not going to force you to do something you don’t want to. If you don’t want to go, then you don’t have to. But, if you ever feel like changing your mind, then just send us a message.”

Natalie, again, said nothing.

Natalie continued to say nothing as the elevator door opened and she walked with Sara down the hotel hallways. The walk was short, but it felt like it went on for hours. It probably had something to do with how the hallways themselves were long and maze-like. Some days she even had trouble finding her room. Natalie seriously wondered why the hotel was built this way.

Eventually, when Natalie finally did get to her room, she collapsed onto her bed in exhaustion.

“I know you’re probably not thinking of this right now.” Sara said at the door. “But you won’t have to worry about Astian. He won’t wake up in your apartment. We have some level of control over your reality and will create an explanation for his absence.”

“Can you just leave already?”

Sara gave a silent nod before exiting the room, shutting the door on her way out.

Natalie groaned into her pillow. It had been a long two weeks, but at last, it seemed it would soon be over.

So much had happened in these past two weeks that Natalie couldn’t even process it all. When she had first woken up in this world, she had been in this hotel room, and she freaked the hell out. How else could you possibly react after waking up in a different place? But people soon came and were able to calm her down.

Not like she could remain calm for long though, because soon afterward she was hit with bombshell after bombshell. First, that magic was real. Second, that she was in a new world composed entirely of plain white. Third, that her fiancé was a lunatic criminal that used magic to change reality.

And fourth, that she wasn’t Natalie Parker.

No, she was actually supposed to be a man named Nathan Parker, and Astian changed reality to make her his girlfriend. Her entire life, all her memories, were not real. To be fair, that’s not how the people here explained it, but that’s how Natalie heard it.

How could one possibly cope knowing they lived an entirely different life they didn’t know about? Natalie had known her whole life that she had been a woman named Natalie Parker. But that was wrong? What could she possibly make of that?

And this program, the one that Sara had offered her after the trial ended, these people seemed to really want her to go to it. They said it would really help her, but Natalie had her doubts. She had been to a mental health programs like that before (or maybe those memories were fake), and she found them boring. Plus, how could any program help her cope with the fact that her life was a lie?

Those thoughts mulled over in Natalie’s head as she fell closer and closer to sleep.

At least sleeping wasn’t impossible in this world. There was a day and night cycle, well… kind of. Every eleven hours there would be a transition where the world would change from a white void to a black void, or vice versa. The whole process would take one hour. All together, a single full cycle would take twenty-four hours to complete, just like a full day on Earth.

Natalie sighed. She could only hope that what these people said to her was the truth. That sleeping in this bed after the end of the trial would take her back to her apartment, and just a day after she last slept in there. She couldn’t imagine what she’d have to do if she was out for two whole weeks on Earth too.

Slowly but surely, Natalie started to doze off, her eyes beginning to close.

But just before she fell asleep, she swore she saw a man in her room, looking out the window.

Natalie put her hand above her head to block the sunlight coming through the apartment window.

“Ugh.” She groaned. “I feel like I’ve been asleep for weeks.”

She rolled over and noticed that Astian was not in bed with her. That was weird, she thought. It was Sunday, he should be sleeping in. Maybe he was already up making breakfast.

It was then that Natalie heard the notification bell on her phone. She reached over to her night stand to pick it up, fully expecting some stupid, irrelevant news story.

Well, she was half-right. She did get a news story.

But it was one that nearly made her drop her phone.

“24 year old man, Astian Dover, in police chase after robbing a bank. Police have lost him and now no one knows where he is.”

“No.” Natalie thought. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no.”

This… this had to be a joke. It couldn’t be real. It couldn’t possibly be real.

“You won’t have to worry about Astian. He won’t wake up in your apartment. We have some level of control over your reality and will create an explanation for his absence.”

Oh god.

Natalie quickly scrolled down the article, and saw that it had a bunch of comments. Other people had seen this. It wasn’t just something that popped up on her phone.

Natalie had to stop herself from panicking. She forced herself to take deep breaths for about a minute straight.

Everything was fine. All that stuff about magic, and a trial, and memories changing, and Astian going to jail, and her… being a man. That was all a dream. It wasn’t real. There had to be a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.

Natalie slowly got out of bed and looked all around her apartment. It wasn’t very big, so it didn’t take her long. She found… nothing. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Aside from Astian not being there, of course.

Natalie began to panic again, but forced herself to calm down as she went to her phone to look at her Life360 app. Maybe Astian was just at the store or something.

It didn’t take long for her to realize Astian wasn’t anywhere in the town, or the country for that matter. In fact, he wasn’t on the map at all.

No matter which way she looked at it, Astian was gone.

Natalie took a seat down on one of the couches, and felt her eyes begin to water. Astian, the love of her life was missing. Gone, in a place where no one, not even the police could find him.

Would she ever see him again?

Natalie closed her eyes and imagined Astian’s arms around her, his mouth giving her neck a kiss. She could almost feel his hot breath on her skin.

She wanted to keep her eyes closed forever. To continue imagining Astian was right there with her, comforting her and telling her everything was going to be alright. To pretend that everything was just as it was before, and that they were going to be married next year.

Unfortunately, illusions can never last forever.

Natalie opened her eyes to see that she was still alone, in the room, in the apartment, and possibly in her life. She huddled her knees up to her chest.

Astian was such a good man. He was nice, charming, and loving. He would never commit a crime. That wasn’t him. It couldn’t be him.

But it was.

Why would he rob a bank? It’s not like they had any money problems. They could always afford their basic needs. And they were already gathering and distributing money for the wedding. They weren’t really struggling with the budget that much. How could he do this? Desert her and run off to get lost in the middle of wherever?

Natalie’s sadness began to turn to anger. He had left her. He didn’t even say goodbye. He just left and went on to commit a crime for no reason. That. Fucking. Asshole.

She was wrong about him. He wasn’t nice at all, he was a terrible, terrible man. And she hated him. She hated him so much. If she ever saw his face again she swore she would blow it off with a revolver.

But… maybe it was possible that he didn’t actually desert her.

When Natalie had her eyes closed, trying to imagine Astian being with her, there was another image she saw in her mind. One that she tried her hardest to ignore.

It was a very faint image of herself as a man.

“Nathan Parker.”

No, that was just ridiculous. She wasn’t about to believe all that nonsense about a magic trial and being a man. It was all a dream, right? Right?

Well, if it was a dream then she was remembering it oddly well. Hell, it sure felt like she hadn’t been in this apartment for two weeks, despite her falling asleep in bed with Astian just last night.

Oh, that’s right… Astian. The man who the trial was about. The man who got sentenced to twenty-five years in ‘magic prison’ for ‘magic abuse’.

She wasn’t really entertaining this idea, right? That magic was real and Astian really did use magic to transform her into a woman, make her his girlfriend and eventual wife. Change her memories and even reality to make this true. That was just nonsense. None of it was real. None. Of. It.

And she could prove it wasn’t real too.

Natalie went to one of the cabinets and took out an old photo album she brought once she moved out of her house. When she opened it, she was greeted with all kinds of photos from all throughout her life, from her birth to the present day.

She flipped through the pages and skimmed through all the photos. Internally she felt assured that “Nathan” never existed and she was just imagining all that stuff about a trial. If “Nathan” had been real, then these photos would be different and not feature herself as a woman.

It made sense. Nathan wasn’t real.

Of course, if a spell was powerful enough to change reality, it probably would change the past as well, and that would include things like birth certificates, driver’s licenses, IDs…

And photos…

So… this didn’t prove Nathan wasn’t real at all. Hell, there was nothing she could do to prove Nathan wasn’t real. All she had was a dream that still hadn’t faded from her mind, even this long after waking up.

In her mind, she could still easily recall what the courtroom looked like, and what the hotel room looked like.

And she could still recall Astian panicking as he was dragged out of the courtroom and into prison.

Oh god, it was all real, wasn’t it?

She didn’t know what came across her at that moment, but something told her that it was all real. Magic, the trial, the charges, Astian going to prison…

Nathan…

He was real. And if Nathan was real, then was she… not real?

If it truly was the case that Astian had changed reality to make Natalie who she is now, then could she trust that all of her life experiences and memories actually happened? Could she trust that the friends she had now, the connections she had now, the relationships she had now, weren’t just artificially created by some magic spell?

Natalie frantically returned to her photo album and looked through her pictures again. Each one put a memory in her head. A memory that for all she knew, could’ve been fake. Her mental state of panic grew until she reached the photo of Astian proposing to her.

Once she laid her eyes on that photo, it was like everything in the world came to a sudden halt.

Astian proposing to her was a very pleasant memory. It only ‘was’ a pleasant memory because it no longer ‘is’ a pleasant memory.

This man destroyed her entire fucking life.

He made her his girlfriend, and his fiance, out of nothing but selfishness, and caused her great mental anguish. Made her think she was going insane. And this guy was supposed to be Nathan’s best friend? He essentially killed him to make him his girlfriend!

Natalie’s entire being was filled with extreme hatred for this man and when she couldn’t take it anymore she tore the photo up and left pieces of it on the ground. Pretty soon, tears came to her eyes.

“I’m not real.” She said.

She held a pillow to her face, but it failed to contain her sobs.

The rest of the day was very quiet. Natalie got numerous texts from her parents and friends saying they heard about what happened with Astian and were wondering if she was okay. She didn’t answer any of them. She didn’t even make herself lunch or dinner. She just went to her room and laid in her bed all day, not wanting to think about anything.

Eventually, Natalie’s eyelids began to grow heavy, and just before she closed her eyes for the last time that day, she got déjà vu as she saw a man looking out the window.

Nathan collapsed onto his bed in exhaustion after unpacking the last of his belongings.

“I fucking hate moving.” He said aloud.

Astian laughed from outside the doorway. “Well at least you’re all set here. Unless I’m so bad you want to move out.”

“Man, I’ve got no god damned money right now. You know I can’t do that.” Nathan replied, a bit annoyed.

“Right, right, I’m sorry.” Astian said. “I know you’ve had a pretty rough time these past few weeks.”

“Yeah, I could barely afford my old apartment. My job was shit and my boss was an asshole. It was horrible.” Nathan responded. “And then they fire me for ‘poor job performance’. They didn’t even tell me about this performance they thought was unsatisfactory. That was the first time they brought it up. What a fucking joke.”

“Well at least that’s all over now.”

“I sure hope so.” Nathan said as he rubbed his face. “I’m real sorry for being a burden. I’ll try to get a job first thing tomorrow. I’ll even let you kick my ass if I don’t.”

“Now, now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Astian said. “It’s really no problem for you to live here. I’m fine with it. And honestly? If you ask me, I’d try going back to college before getting a job.”

“How the hell do you expect me to pay for that?” Nathan asked. “My parents cut me off. I’m basically broke. Who’s gonna pay for it? You? You don’t have that kind of money.”

“I can get the money.”

“How? By winning the lottery?”

“Listen, Nathan.” Astian said firmly. “I know how to get the money. I can pay for your college.”

“I mean… even if you could I don’t think I’d want you putting so much into helping me. Don’t you think people ought to live with their fuck ups?”

“That’s a bunch of BS. We’re friends. We help each other. I hate seeing you like this.”

Nathan huffed. “You don’t have to make me feel good. You can be honest.”

“I am being honest. I think you have potential. You just need a little push. I know you said you thought you wasted your college years, and I think this is the time for you to start anew. A fresh start to your new life.”

“You really think I should go back to college?” Nathan asked. “It’s the middle of June. You can’t register right now. I’d have to wait until next year to start.”

“Listen to me, I can get you registered now pretty quickly. It might take some work, but we can do it. You can take classes this fall. After we get you registered then you can get a summer job, if you want.”

“You don’t know how college registrations work.”

“You don’t know how I work.”

Nathan let out a breath and stared at the ceiling for a bit, contemplating his options.

“Okay, fine.” He said eventually. “I’ll think about going back to college.”

“Great, I’m glad. This is a good step for you.”

“It’s just…” Nathan paused. “I just don’t have the motivation sometimes. I look at what I’ve done these past few years and it’s been a bunch of failures. I feel like I’ve already wasted my own life.”

Astian stared deeply into Nathan for a few long seconds.

“I’ll help you get your life back in order, I promise.”

***

After a pretty average dinner, Nathan poured himself a glass of vodka and downed it quickly. He was about to pour himself another glass when Astian took the bottle from him.

“Alright, from now on, we’re limiting you to one drink per day.” Astian said to him.

Nathan gave out a dry laugh. “What are you? My mother?”

“Nathan, if you want to get your life back together, the first thing you need to do is fix your alcohol addiction.”

“I don’t just drink for the hell of it, I drink because I’m stressed.”

“Then find a better coping method. Exercise, read, watch a TV show or really do anything other than excessive drinking.”

“Fine.”

Astian checked the kitchen clock. “Okay, I’m gonna head to bed now. I know you might come out here at night and drink again, but I really implore you to take the steps to end this habit. It’ll be good for you.”

“Okay.”

Astian nodded then left the kitchen to go to his bedroom, closing and locking his door.

Nathan opened the refrigerator and was greeted with that same bottle of vodka. He really wanted to have another drink, but his mind forced him to stop himself.

“Just one more drink”, his mind said. That made sense, except for the fact that “one more drink” would soon turn into two more drinks, and then three more drinks. It was a never ending spiral that shouldn’t be given any fire.

So Nathan slowly closed the refrigerator door and walked to his room. He shut the door and turned on the light, taking in the place.

There wasn’t much to see. It was very bland, not personalized in the slightest. To be fair, his bedroom at his old apartment was bland too. Nathan was never someone who was interested in decoration.

Nathan took a few steps and gazed out the window. There was no moon and everything outside was pitch black. In spite of this, he still found it all comforting to look at. It was a feeling that he didn’t want to bother trying to understand.

Astian was a great friend. Nathan really couldn’t thank him enough. Supporting him through all the bad decisions he made in life and still being there to help him. There was nothing he could do to pay him back, something he felt obligated to do. It’d be useless to try, anyway.

Nathan worried if he and Astian could really be trusted in the same apartment, but he assured himself that they’ve been best friends for years, and there shouldn’t be any problems with them living together.

Nathan turned off the light in his room and hopped into bed, ready to sleep after a long day of unpacking. As he fell asleep, he had a good feeling that tomorrow might finally be the day his life makes a change for the better.

***

Nathan stared into the mirror, confused and horrified.

There was something very wrong going on, he was sure of it. His reflection was not what it was supposed to be. He needed to call for help or get away from whatever was causing this, fast.

“You’re just imagining things.” Something in his head told him. “Nothing is wrong, you’ve always been like this.”

Had he? It was hard to tell with how conflicted and confused his mind was right now. It felt as if foreign thoughts he would never usually have kept forcing their way inside, and he was powerless to stop it.

“Everything is fine.” He was told once more. “Nothing is happening to you.”

Nathan took a relaxed breath as he immediately calmed down. Yeah, that sounded right, he thought. He was getting all worked up over nothing. What was he even upset about in the first place? He couldn’t remember.

No, no, NO! Something was definitely wrong! Was he blind to what was going on right before his eyes? He needed to do something, right now!

Every time he realized that something was wrong, his mind kept pulling him back. Always telling him that he was mistaken, and that there was nothing to be afraid of. Always making him forget what it was he finally realized. It needed to stop. This couldn’t keep happening.

Nathan stood in the darkness, unable to make sense of any of the confusion plaguing his mind. Suddenly, he heard the sound of a door opening. He turned his head toward the noise and saw a dark figure making slow, ominous footsteps toward him…

***

Natalie awoke disorientated and unnerved. She quickly sprang up in her bed and clutched her chest, breathing heavily and feeling her heart pounding incessantly.

What the hell had she just dreamed?

Her mind was working in overdrive, trying to make sense of what had just happened. In this dream of hers she just had, she was a man…

Nathan Parker…

She… he was living with Astian, his best friend, not boyfriend, in this same apartment. He was having trouble getting his life in order, and had a drinking problem. Astian said he was going to help him.

It was bizarre, far too bizarre to be believable. The dream was very clear in her mind, as if it were something that actually happened, that she actually experienced.

Wait…

Natalie noticed that something had shifted in her memories.

She… she HAD experienced that! She remembered it very clearly!

She couldn’t recall any other event as a part of that life, but she could recall that specific memory, the day she moved into Astian’s apartment because she couldn’t afford her own. Nothing before, nothing after.

It wasn’t even just the memory itself she remembered, but the sensation and feeling of being a man. She could almost recall what it was like to be in a man’s body, and to have a… penis.

She recoiled at her own train of thought there. She didn’t want to know what male genitals felt like. Hell, she didn’t want to know anything about her supposed past male life, because it only reminded her that her current life was fake, a mirage put in place by someone she thought was her friend and lover.

Natalie got out of bed silently, without a groan or a whimper. It was Monday, and Monday meant work. She didn’t care, in fact she almost welcomed it. Maybe it could ease her mind off the fact that her life was not real. She almost laughed at that. As if.

Another slow, boring day at work. The corporate drone in the meeting Natalie just left had been going on for hours about a bunch of stuff she didn’t remotely care for. What was the meeting even about anyway? It had just ended and already she couldn’t recall.

At least her lunch break had arrived so she could openly drown in her sorrows in the worker’s lounge. She hadn’t actually brought a lunch, eating would require a level of effort and commitment that she, at the moment, wasn’t able to uphold. She hadn’t eaten breakfast either, she simply couldn’t eat at all.

To say she was having an identity crisis would be an understatement.

She took a seat in the lounge and leaned to the side, doing nothing but stare ahead with unfocused eyes.

***

Natalie lost track of the time. Hell, she lost track of everything. Her mind was just completely unable to do even the barest amount of effort. And really, why bother? Doing mental work meant being reminded of who and what she was, as well as who and what she wasn’t.

She continued to sit idle in her chair, not responding to anything for what felt like hours. Her lunch break was only thirty minutes long, and usually that stretch of time passed very quickly. But not today. Today, her break felt excruciatingly long, and she didn’t care when it’d be over.

It came to her attention that someone was calling her name. She turned toward the sound and saw Ashley, a close friend of hers.

“I almost thought you passed out. I was really worried.”

Natalie stared into her face. “Ashley”, she thought. That name taunted her entire being. Of course it had to be a feminine version of HIS name. But that wasn’t her fault. Natalie couldn’t get mad at that.

No, what she could get mad at was the fact that this woman may not have even known who she was a few months earlier, despite the fact that they supposedly met in this workplace two years ago. The evidence was clear, “Nathan” had no real friends outside of the psychopath, so Natalie’s friendship with Ashley and everything they shared together was totally and completely artificial, only brought into existence through a magic spell.

Did Ashley even exist before “Natalie”? Probably, in the trial that apparently really happened it was stated that creating a whole new person from scratch was way outside the capabilities of anyone on Earth. So at least Ashley herself was real, even if their friendship wasn’t.

“Some meeting today, huh?” Ashley said, trying to lighten Natalie’s depressed mood. “I thought that guy would never shut up.”

Natalie didn’t even attempt to respond. Until now, none of her coworkers had talked to her at all that day. They did, however, have looks of sympathy on their faces whenever seeing her. Clearly they had heard about Astian going missing, and didn’t know what to say to console her. They all probably assumed that was the reason why she was so distant and quiet, and Natalie was at the point where she wished that was actually the case, that Astian going missing was the only reason she was feeling down.

Ashley’s expression turned nervous.

“Hey… I know you’ve been through a lot recently, and… I just want to make sure you’re okay. Maybe we could go out to eat sometime this week. Maybe spend the weekend together. Would you be okay with that?”

It almost sounded like she was asking her out on a date. Regardless, Natalie continued to say nothing, but she did nod her head.

“Thanks.” Ashley replied, smiling.

Ashley tried to converse with her for at least another few minutes, but it was a losing effort. Natalie only gave one word answers and quiet grunts in place of actual responses. She wasn't in the mood for talking, to say the least.

Eventually, a timer started sounding off, and Ashley got out her phone.

“Looks like my break is over.” She said. “Gonna have to leave now. Stay safe tonight, okay?”

Ashley left before Natalie could even question what she meant by that.

***

The second her shift ended, Natalie exited her work building, never once stopping to chat with any of her coworkers. She went outside, got to her car, and immediately began the drive home.

After walking up the seemingly endless flight of stairs to her apartment, she went to her room and collapsed onto her bed. What little energy she had during the workday was all but depleted now. She just wanted some sleep, and to not have to think about her sorry, sorry life.

She turned to her side in the bed and almost forgot about the man she always saw right before falling asleep. Well, he was still there, and he was still looking out that damned window.

***

It may have not been the most productive day ever, considering he was still unemployed, but regardless Nathan was feeling unusually good that night. Throughout the day he had applied to numerous jobs, and he was eagerly waiting for anyone to call back.

He was about to go to the refrigerator for a drink, but he soon stopped himself, not seeing the point. It wasn’t a special occasion of any sort, and there was no social gathering at the moment, so why did he need to drink? It was funny, yesterday it took some internal debate for him to not have a second drink, only eventually deciding not to out of an ambivalent commitment to the newly imposed “one drink per day” rule placed upon him. Today, he had no desire at all to have even a first drink. He guessed the thrill of productivity was enough to sustain his mind.

He saw Astian enter the dining room and take a seat on one of the chairs, doing something on his phone.

“Hey.” Nathan said to him. “You said something about me applying to college, and I think tomorrow I’d like to do that. You’re, uh, gonna need to show me whatever your insane method for getting a late application accepted is, though.”

“Huh?” Astian’s head perked up. “Oh… umm… don’t worry about that.”

“Why? You were the one who told me I should go back to college.”

“Yeah, uh…” Astian rubbed the bridge of his nose. “That won’t be needed anymore.”

“Then why’d you tell me to go back to college in the first place? I can’t just apply right now alone.”

Astian turned back to his phone. “I said don’t worry about it. Just keep doing what you’re doing and everything will be fine.”

Not wanting to press on, Nathan simply replied “okay”.

***

Nathan shaved the last of his facial hair off his chin. He took a towel and thoroughly rubbed his face, looking in the bathroom mirror for the result.

He squinted his eyes in confusion.

There was no hair left, not even a trace or a shadow. Just entirely smooth skin stretching across his whole face.

He felt his chin with his hand. He hadn’t had a face this smooth since he was about thirteen. This was the kind of face you’d get from laser hair removal or electrolysis. How could it be possible to perform such a thorough shave by yourself?

Confused, Nathan left the bathroom and headed to bed, falling asleep in hopes of a better life soon arriving to him.

***

When Nathan woke up and immediately saw the darkness around him, he groaned, realizing he had just taken a long nap on his off hours and wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again in time before having to go to work.

He fell back to his pillow, closed his eyes, and… wait, what? A job? He didn’t have a job. Wait, what was going on?

Natalie instantly sprang up in her bed, everything coming back to her all at once.

She was… and then HE was… and then…

Natalie clenched her quickly beating heart in fear.

She just had another memory revealed to her in a dream. One she could clearly recall happening in her life as well. The second day she was staying at Astian’s apartment. The day where she started noticing a few odd things about herself and Astian’s behavior. Things that she brushed off at the time, but came to see as major warnings in retrospect.

She looked around her room, making sure she still wasn’t dreaming and that she still was Natalie.

Her fear calmed down, but it soon turned to anger.

So much for sleep being an escape from having to think about her life.

Was this really her fate? To have more and more of her life revealed to her in her dreams? To have to slowly relive the pain and trauma of her transformation every time she slept? To have brief moments where she still thought she was Nathan, only to be bombarded with another life in less than a second while the old one disappeared? To have to constantly be taunted that all these twenty-four years of her life were nothing more than a stream of fake memories created by a magic spell? Was this what her life was going to turn into? A never ending cavalcade of fear, confusion, and anger?

No, it wasn’t. She was going to put an end to all this before it even began.

The moon was high in the sky as Natalie took slow, tedious steps toward the cabinet in her apartment’s unused guest bedroom. The bedroom she now knew as the one Astian slept in before the… event.

There was only one way to end all her pain for good.

She took a shaky hand and grabbed one of the door handles, opening it to reveal a pistol on the top shelf.

It needed to stop.

She grabbed the pistol and examined it in her hands.

By any means necessary, it needed to stop.

The gun was not loaded. She placed it back on the shelf and searched the cabinet for a magazine. Once found, she took it and inserted it into the pistol.

One little twitch and it’d all be over.

She took the top of the gun and pulled it back, letting go to allow it to slide forward and chamber the round.

Almost there, just a little more.

She turned the gun’s safety off. It was done. All she needed to do now was put it in her mouth and pull the trigger.

She pointed the gun toward her and raised it ever so slowly. She paused when it hit her lips.

“No, don’t stop now. You’re so close.” Her mind rang out.

She opened her mouth and slid the gun inside, aiming it at her throat.

This was it, only one more step. Just one squeeze of her finger and she’d be clean of this mess of lies.

How could one ever make peace with the fact that their entire life was fake? A fabrication that didn’t exist, that never existed. All the friends she made, all the experiences she had, for all she knew, may not have even happened. How could she know for certain which memories were or were not real?

She thought back to when she was nine years old, and learned to ride a bike for the very first time. Her father was so proud of her, and she could still recall the huge smile on his face when she was able to ride around the whole neighborhood without falling. She was proud too, it was the first time she could remember where she felt she really accomplished something meaningful.

But during the trial, there was a part where they went over Astian’s very thorough and meticulous planning of the spell. As it was said, changing reality to alter someone’s gender and making it so that person doesn’t remember their old life was not an easy process. It had to be carefully thought out and Astian needed to heavily consider which memories should be changed and how those changes would be implemented. All to make Natalie’s life come out coherent.

It was a long, difficult process. So difficult in fact that one of the prosecutors jokingly told Astian it would’ve been easier just to convince Nathan to love him as a man, to which Astian angrily replied that he wasn’t gay.

What this meant for Natalie was that none of her memories or experiences could be trusted. That memory of her learning to ride a bike could’ve just been created by Astian in order to make her new life seem more appealing.

The fact that every single one of her memories now had the distinct chance of being fake hadn’t really sunk in until now. It wasn’t just gender specific memories, or Astian being her boyfriend instead of best friend, it was every memory she ever had. She couldn’t trust any of them.

Did this mean all the work she put forth in college and in her current job didn’t occur? Was all the success in her life right now just given to her? Did she not really work for any of it?

What did this mean for other people? Was Nathan a friendless loser in his childhood too? She couldn’t tell. She remembered having a number of close friends in high school that she still followed on social media, but if Nathan didn’t have any friends in high school then could she say any of these people truly knew her? If someone came along and inserted memories in someone else’s head of being friends with a person they never met, then who could really say if those people knew each other? Who could say if they were ever truly friends?

Hell, what did this mean for her parents? The ones that knew her as “Natalie” their whole lives? The ones that thought they had raised a girl through false memories? How would they react when told the child they thought they raised wasn’t the child they actually raised?

Her entire life, her fake, imaginary one played out in her mind as she was taunted by the words of others.

“Nathan had a failed suicide attempt, while Natalie would never even think about committing suicide.”

“Stay safe tonight, okay?”

Natalie’s right index finger moved and laid in front of the trigger.

All it would take now was one squeeze of her finger. One squeeze and all the pain and confusion would be over. All the fake memories, all the trauma she’d have to relive through her dreams, it would all cease entirely.

She tightened her index finger very slightly. If she pulled it there was no chance anyone would be able to save her in time. She’d die, leaving behind the mess of a bad life and a good life that never actually happened.

It’d be so easy.

Natalie didn’t know how long that gun was in her mouth for, but she didn’t bother trying to guess.

Eventually, her choice was made.

Her body stood in the air.

But the gun dropped to the floor.

She couldn’t do it.

For the entire time the gun was in her mouth, she was like an emotionless robot, never reacting to the intense situation she had put herself in. Never caring that she was about to end her own life forever.

That was over.

Tears were flowing out of Natalie’s eyes as she laid on the floor.

Somehow, in the midst of her crying the night before, Natalie was able to fall asleep. She didn’t know how, the adrenaline rush she got from her suicide attempt had to have been enough to keep her awake and alert, but whether she wanted to or not, she fell asleep.

The dreams that came to her during her sleep were exactly what she expected. And at this point, she wasn’t even mad. She had resigned herself to the fate of having to relive her slow, likely painful transformation from Nathan to Natalie with each slumber. It seemed reality really wanted her to remember every detail of it, and she had no choice in the matter.

She just couldn’t catch a break could she?

Sitting up in her bed, she recalled the extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable memories that fate had given back to her.

***

Four days of living in this apartment and Nathan still hadn’t cooked a single meal. He felt a bit bad about it, it was probably a pretty shitty and lazy thing to do, but to his credit Astian had only actually cooked twice since the move-in, which included breakfast that current morning.

Still, Nathan could definitely be a bit more helpful. He didn’t want to be a moocher, and he was applying to all the jobs he could. Every minute of the day he had his phone with him, awaiting a call back.

Nathan rubbed his face as he walked into the kitchen, taking notice of how smooth it still was. It had been three days since he shaved, shouldn’t it have grown back at least a little? Opening the camera app on his phone, he saw that his face didn’t even have a 5 o’clock shadow.

That was a little strange. He might have to keep watch of that.

He put it out of his mind as his nose was filled with the scent of bacon, eggs, toast, and hashbrowns. Enough to get his appetite going. Astian handed him a plate, having already finished and put his own plate in the sink. Gee, he was really going out of his way to be nice right now. Internally, Nathan felt even more guilty about his unemployed status.

Nathan went back to the dining room table, Astian following closely behind him. While eating, Nathan tried to focus on reading something on his phone, but he kept getting distracted by Astian looking at him from across the table. At first he tried to ignore it, thinking he would eventually leave, but that never happened. He just stayed there, staring at him.

After a while, Nathan couldn’t stand it. What was he looking at?

“Is something wrong?” Nathan asked him.

Astian’s face turned into a grin, and he almost seemed to chuckle. “No, nothing’s wrong. It’s just that you look really cute when you eat.”

Nathan immediately stopped chewing and stared as Astian finally walked out of the dining room. The fuck was that? He was “cute”? That’s what Astian was staring at? Was he gay or something?

No, Astian wasn’t gay. He was as straight as a man could be. He loved boobs, or at least Nathan had thought. Has Astian really been into men this whole time? Nathan couldn’t recall a single time he even came across as gay, but was it possible he just wasn’t looking hard enough?

Whether he was gay or not, it wasn’t normal for a guy to just go up and call his best male friend “cute” after staring at him for close to a minute. Not with that kind of grin. If it was some kind of joke then it wasn’t funny.

“Fucking weird”, Nathan thought to himself.

***

Still no call back from any of his applications, and Nathan was forced to hide his frustration. Was the world just against him succeeding? Surely one company had to have called back by now, especially with all the applications he’s sent out. He must have the shittiest luck in the world.

Nathan was walking from his bedroom to the living room when he ran into Astian.

“Shit, I dropped my pen.” He said. “Can you pick it up?”

Nathan obliged and bent down. As he grabbed the pen, he felt a hard slap to his butt. He quickly stood up with a shocked expression.

“You have a really nice ass.” Astian said with a weird grin. “And thank you.” He took back his pen.

He walked away after that, leaving Nathan in disarray. Why the hell did Astian do that? Was this part of some long running joke Nathan wasn’t in on? To say it was weird would be an understatement.

Nathan did realize though that he had bent over and displayed his butt entirely in front of Astian, which may have provoked his slap.

Nathan blushed. Why did he do that? He’d have to pay more attention to his actions. He couldn’t leave himself open to that kind of stuff.

***

A full week had passed since Nathan moved into Astian’s apartment. Still no call backs from any company he applied to, a fact that made him groan. Luck was definitely not on his side here.

That wasn’t what was bothering him most right now, though. No, that honor easily went to how Astian had been treating him recently.

For the past few days, at least once per day Astian would say or do something really weird. Something that came off as either flirting or being hit on. Hell, just earlier that day Astian had told him that his eyes looked nice. What kind of straight guy says something like that to another guy?

Of course, there was the possibility that Astian was gay, but Nathan had actually tested that theory yesterday. They had both gone out drinking (thankfully Astian didn’t make any moves on him in public), and while in the car Nathan had asked him if he wanted to go to the gay bar in town. Astian not only instantly shut that down, but he looked repulsed by the suggestion. So Nathan had a hard time believing he was gay.

That only made these actions of his even more bizarre. What was Astian getting out of this? To Nathan’s knowledge he had never remotely acted like this toward any other guy, let alone with such consistency.

Nathan wanted to bring it up with him, or tell him to lay off, but he could never bring himself to actually do it. That would likely cause an awkward confrontation, so Nathan tried his best to ignore it. Hopefully Astian would get bored of this and move on.

Nathan stared at his reflection in the mirror before his shower. Still no sign of his facial hair coming back. This was getting a bit concerning, should he call a doctor? This surely wasn’t a normal thing to happen to a guy.

Nathan went into the shower and as he washed up he noticed something else. His body hair looked a bit… lighter than it used to be. Not quite as thick, and it didn’t stand out as much. He had never really given much thought to his body hair before, but he was sure he wasn’t imagining this change.

He really should call a doctor at some point.

***

Natalie leaned back in her bed. Well, not her bed really but the bed from the hotel room she stayed at during the trial. Apparently she had been brought back to that world, whatever it was called, in her sleep. Truthfully she didn’t know how to feel about that. Maybe it was good she was away from firearms at the moment, but the dreams and the memories they recovered taunted her, making her wonder why she hadn’t just killed herself and gotten this all over with.

No, she didn’t want to go down that road again. She may not be sure who she is, and she may even think her life, the one she remembered, held no weight and didn’t matter at all, but she was sure she didn’t want to kill herself… right?

Maybe that was only because she knew she’d never be able to do it.

Life fucking sucks sometimes.

She heard a knock at her hotel door. She wasn’t surprised to see Sara when she opened it.

“What do you want?” Natalie asked, failing to hide her bitterness.

Sara looked at her sympathetically for what seemed like way too long, at least to Natalie.

“I’m sorry.” She eventually said. “So, so sorry.”

Natalie thought that she had expended all of her tears. The adrenaline from putting a gun in her mouth and being one twitch away from ending it all had long been filtered out of her system, her sadness and confusion going with it.

But after she heard Sara say she was sorry, she didn’t know what came over her.

She just lost it.

She cried. Hard enough to fill an ocean, probably. And it seemed nothing could stop her.

She didn’t fight back when Sara hugged her. Nor did she fight back when she was led back to her bed. When she sat down, she fell onto Sara’s lap. She just needed someone to comfort her. She didn’t care who, anyone would be fine.

Except for HIM, obviously.

“Is Astian dead?” Natalie asked, her voice shaking. “I want him dead. I want him to suffer every day he’s not dead.” Sobs were heard between words. “Just fucking kill him, please.”

A hand was placed on her back. “Calm down.” Sara said softly. “This isn’t helping you, it’s just stressing you out. And Astian’s in magic prison right now. He won’t hurt you ever again. He’s not even in this realm. That prison is in another world, separate from this one.”

“Why do you call it ‘magic prison’?” Natalie asked, bitterness showing through her sobs. “Do you just put ‘magic’ in front of every word? It’s so stupid and annoying.”

“The name does kind of suck.” Sara cracked a weak smile. “But what else could we call it? It’s not really a normal prison. And it’s only for people who’ve committed magic abuse. ‘Magic prison’ is the best they could come up with.”

“Well it’s stupid.”

“I know.”

Sara continued stroking Natalie’s back, her hand moving back and forth across it slowly. She wasn’t sure if this was what she was supposed to do to calm someone down, but after a while it seemed to be working.

“Why am I here?” Natalie asked as her crying subsided.

Sara lifted her hand from Natalie’s back. “We can’t see everything you do, but we could see what you did tonight. You need help.”

Natalie got quiet, her sobs stopping, but tears still falling from her face. She refused to reply.

“Doing this alone isn’t going to help you.” Sara told her. “You need someone who understands your problems.”

Natalie remained unresponsive, continuing to lay in silence.

Sara sighed. “You don’t want to end your life.”

Natalie suddenly turned around in Sara’s lap, anger filling her features. “End my life? Astian already did that. There’s nothing in my life that’s worth keeping. I know none of it actually happened. Nothing from before a week ago happened.”

“Natalie, that’s not how timelines work.” Sara retorted. “Your full timeline as Natalie exists, and all your experiences are real. You really went through all of them, from birth to now.”

“And why does that timeline exist? Could you please tell me why?” Natalie shot back. “Why was the timeline created? Who created it? Even if at the end of my change I was somehow sent back to my childhood to grow up all over again, that wouldn’t change the reason why or how all these memories exist or happened in the first place. None of it was natural.”

“That’s not the way you should be looking at this. Your life is real. Everything that happened to you in your life is real. Your timeline doesn’t start where Nathan’s timeline ends.”

Natalie stood up, moving to pace around the room, frustration in her steps.

“Natalie…” Sara said, concerned.

“You know, I was a cheerleader when I was in high school. It was a lot of work, but I liked it. Hey, do you want to know something funny?” Natalie asked Sara, a grin forming on her lips.

Sara stared at her worriedly.

“Technically, I never was a cheerleader. Never practiced or played a day in my life. I mean, unless Nathan was a cheerleader…” Natalie stopped. “Was he?”

Sara shook her head.

“That’s what I thought. And I doubt there was any other sport Nathan played to take its place. Oh, and you want to know something even funnier? I wasn’t a cheerleader because I wanted to be one. No, I was a cheerleader because Astian wanted his dream girlfriend that he specifically sculpted out of his best friend to have been one. Because hot girls were cheerleaders. He wanted to date someone who was a cheerleader. What a great guy.”

“Listen, it’s okay to be upset.” Sara said. “But you need to have an open mind to get through this.”

“Sure, I have an open mind. Enough of an open mind to know the truth, which is that I don’t exist, and never did.” Natalie said firmly. “In fact, everything I do, my entire personality, probably only exists because Astian liked it or thought it was attractive. He made me after all. You want to know about my life? You want to tell me how it played out? Ask him, he’s the expert. Hell, he’s the fucking god.”

Sara reached out to touch Natalie’s shoulder. To try and calm her down. Her hand was swatted away.

“I’m not dealing with this shit. I’ve had enough.”

Natalie stormed out of the room, shutting the door behind her with a loud slam.

***

The maze-like hallways of the hotel made navigation hell for newcomers, and Natalie hadn’t traversed through them near long enough to be able to go anywhere easily. Regardless, Sara was running and calling for Natalie at every turn. Physics operated exactly the same in this world as they did on Earth. With how high up in the hotel they were and windows in every room, Sara could only fear the worst if she couldn’t find Natalie in time.

Sara was about to call for help when she heard footsteps around the corner. She quickly turned toward the noise and was met with the bathrooms. She walked through the women’s bathroom and found nothing. Since no one else was on the floor apart from them, she checked the men’s bathroom without any hesitation.

Sure enough, the furthest stall door was closed, and from the bottom, someone could be seen inside in the fetal position.

Sara knocked on the door. “Natalie, are you in there?”

“Go away.” Natalie answered.

“Look, you don’t want me to leave. I know you don’t. You need someone to talk to. It doesn’t have to be about… you know… but you don’t want to be alone.” Sara said. “Trust me.”

Nothing was heard from the other side for minutes on end. Natalie just wouldn’t respond or move, no matter what.

After about five minutes, Sara sighed and began walking out the bathroom to call for extra help. Just before she left though, she heard a lock move and a stall door open.

Natalie stood still in the corner of the bathroom, staring at Sara. She looked like a mess, her face was stained with tears. She looked as though she had reached her limit with crying, like all her tears had been spent. More than anything else though, she looked defeated. As if her fighting spirit had lost and was now dead.

“I’m sorry, Natalie.” Sara said. “I’m really, really sorry.”

If she could still cry, Natalie would’ve absolutely done so right there, but she couldn’t. All she could do was stare.

“I don’t know what to do.” Natalie said. “I don’t know who I am. I mean, it’s just… I’ve known my whole life I was Natalie. I grew up as Natalie. Went to school, went to college, went to work, and talked to people as Natalie. This is my life… and now, I’ve been told that none of that happened. My boyfriend… Nathan’s best friend, made all of that up, because he wanted a hot girlfriend. What do you even say to that? How can I trust that whatever happens to me from now on aren’t just the made up memories from the next psychopath I meet? I’m not sure about anything anymore.”

“It’s hard.” Sara affirmed. “I can’t possibly imagine how you feel.”

“I guess I’m supposed to be Nathan. This is the bathroom I belong in. That’s what seems to be the truth.”

Sara looked over Natalie, up and down, deep in thought.

“That’s not what you want though, is it?”

Natalie sighed. “No, it’s not.”

“Then… what do you want?”

“I want to be a normal woman.” Natalie answered. “My whole life has told me I’m supposed to be a woman, but that was all made up. I know I’m really just a man who was turned into a woman and then made to forget they were a man.”

“The full timeline as Natalie still exists though, you really did experience everything you know and remember.” Sara explained.

“Yeah, I know. But like I said, that timeline only exists because of Astian. All my experiences were put in place by him, so it wasn’t a normal life where my actions were my own.” Natalie responded. “The original timeline was Nathan. A guy who was basically murdered by the person he thought was his best friend. I can’t imagine what his last thoughts were. He must have been terrified.”

Sara sadly nodded. “You can choose to believe all that, but if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that you’re not Nathan. And you don’t want to be him.”

“And why do you say that?”

“Because…” Sara said. “You’re referring to him in third person.”

***

Natalie and Sara continued to talk as they walked through the maze of hallways. They didn’t hold back, all the ins and outs of identity death were discussed. Mainly, if the way their world handled identity death victims was an ideal one. Is it better to have these people live on in ignorance? They are essentially a different person now, after all, who they once were is dead. Would it be better to just leave them be? To not tell them what happened?

To know your whole life may not have been your own can cause an existential crisis. In some ways, it might be best to leave them be.

But at the same time, does the person they once were have a right to be known again?

***

Natalie opened the door to her hotel room. Finally, they had returned to it. She instantly plopped down on her bed when they went in.

“You mentioned something about a program when I first came here, right?” Natalie asked.

“Yes, I did.” Sara answered. “A mental health program for identity death victims.”

“How long is it?”

“Basically the program is just five days a week every week whenever you sleep.”

“So I guess I travel to this world in my sleep? Is that correct?”

“Yep, that’s how it works. I can’t really say the exact process of bringing you here, but I know it’s called ‘dream travel’.”

“I guess that makes sense… wait, if identity death is so hard and complex, then how do you get so many victims of it? There’s not nearly enough trials for that.”

“Well, there are other realms that monitor magic abuse for the Earths of different universes. I and others have met and talked with many of those victims.”

“So the multiple universe theory is true?”

“Not a theory, it’s a fact.”

“I swear this shit keeps getting crazier all the time. How did I get sucked into all this?” Natalie asked. “How do you even keep track of so many universes?”

“Well we’re only connected with fifteen or so other realms monitoring Earths that are all almost exactly the same.”

“God this is a lot to take in.”

“You’re taking it pretty well.” Sara said. “I’ve seen a lot of people where the idea of magic and multiple universes existing is too outlandish to them. Like, they literally will not accept it.”

“How weak.” Natalie remarked.

Sara grinned. “It is what it is.”

“And I take it you all aren’t human?” Natalie asked.

“Do I even have to say we aren’t?” Sara answered. “We have a human’s lifespan.”

Natalie snickered as she gazed outside her window, to the world of black that surrounded her. Already she was tired of seeing it. She needed some detail and grit. Some humanity and earthly beauty.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Natalie said.

Sara nodded and left the hotel room. With the door shut, Natalie laid in her bed, awaiting the return to her life.

Her fake, artificial life.

She closed her eyes, trying to ward off the feelings of defeat and depression coming to her.

One awful side effect of being unemployed is how much it fucks up a sleep schedule. Falling asleep in the very late hours of the night and waking up in the afternoon felt so horrible and wrong on so many levels. In Nathan’s case, it made him feel like a slob.

Thankfully though, every morning Astian made sure to come to his room to wake him up, usually just by shaking him.

Nathan pretended to still be asleep when he heard Astian come into his room. He just needed a few extra minutes to rest.

To his surprise, he was suddenly lifted off his bed. He managed to stop himself from flailing his arms, but he still had a freaked expression on his face as he opened his eyes and saw Astian carrying him.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty.” Astian said with the same weird grin that was quickly becoming burnt into his mind.

“What are you doing?” Nathan asked, in probably the most nonchalant way he could, given the situation.

“Just making sure you’re awake.”

“Did you have to do it like that?”

“Well it worked, didn’t it?”

Astian still had that grin on his face as he said that, and it was beginning to make Nathan feel very uncomfortable. This was not at all a normal way to wake someone up. Not a friend at least.

Astian laid Nathan back down on his bed. “Breakfast is done, you might want to come out if you want it hot.”

He left the room after that. Considering the point in him going in there in the first place was to wake him up, Nathan thought he did a really good job. He had no desire to go back to sleep. But still, everything about that interaction was wrong. The ‘sleeping beauty’ comment really stood out to him. Nathan had been called stuff like that before in his life from other guys, but it was always in a mocking tone. The way Astian said it was just… gross.

He really needed to have a talk with him about this.

***

Astian handed Nathan a plate, a waffle made with his own family recipe. It smelled and looked delicious. Truthfully Nathan was a bit angry he was never told what exactly this recipe was. He supposed life couldn’t give you everything.

Taking a seat at the table, he saw Astian about to leave the room. He didn’t have to leave for work for another ten minutes, he could spare a short conversation. And this was one that needed to happen.

“Astian.” Nathan called.

Astian walked back into the dining room. “Look, I’d like to leave now. You realize traffic is a thing, right?”

“Astian, I need to talk to you.” Nathan said. “It’s about whatever the hell you think you’re doing. It’s going too far.”

“What are you talking about?”

“These weird ass comments like ‘sleeping beauty’ and such. It’s getting weird. It’s starting to make me uncomfortable.”

For a second Nathan swore he saw Astian look surprised or almost panicked, but that was gone in an instant.

“Oh, that? That’s just teasing. It’s not a big deal.”

“You slapped my ass a few days ago.”

“That was a joke. If you don’t want to get slapped then don’t bend down like that.”

“I don’t care if it was a joke. I want it to stop.”

Nathan must have said that very harshly, because Astian looked disappointed. Seeing him look like that made Nathan feel guilty, as if he just did something extremely wrong. He almost wanted to apologize, but only almost.

“Alright, I’ll stop. I didn’t think it was a big deal but I’ll stop. Still, I think you’re being too uptight. You really need to hang out with more people.”

Astian’s last comment before leaving the apartment hit Nathan unusually hard. He didn’t know why he felt so awful about what he said. Astian had been pushing his boundaries for days, and definitely crossed the line multiple times. Nathan had every right to tell him to stop, but for some reason his heart was etched with guilt.

Nathan tried to eat his breakfast in peace, but he just couldn’t. For one thing, he noticed he had to adjust his hands more times than he’d like. He could swear they were a touch smaller than they should be, but that was likely his imagination. It wasn’t like focusing on that could make him ignore the guilt eating away at him, anyway.

Astian was just having a little fun, wasn’t he? Maybe he was right to say Nathan was being uptight. A couple harmless jokes couldn’t hurt, and it wasn’t like he was in any danger.

After finishing breakfast, Nathan went outside to try to walk off his thoughts, and it only half worked. Ignoring the fact that his shoes were just loose enough to be barely noticeable (had he really been stretching them that much), he just couldn’t shake off the feeling that he did something wrong. It made him walk faster than he otherwise would’ve.

At least it was a nice day. If there’s one thing Astian was right about, it’s that he really needed to get out more.

***

When Astian came back from work, he spoke and acted as if the conversation from that morning didn’t happen. It was strange, but Nathan welcomed it. He didn’t want to bring it up again either. Especially when just thinking about it made him feel compelled to apologize. Talking about it would make suppressing that urge a real challenge.

When Nathan went to bed that night, his feelings of guilt were mostly gone, but at this point they were replaced more by concern at how strong that guilt was. What was going on with him?

Being unemployed must really be fucking with his head. He needed to get a job, and fast. If only any of the companies he applied to would call him back. He groaned, life was really shit right now.

***

Natalie had no idea what to expect as she gazed out the car window, watching building after building pass by. Her first day at this new program. She was going to be talking in a room full of identity death victims. God, what was she getting herself into?

Her day back in the real world was pretty unnoteworthy. Ashley had tried to lift up her spirits, but none of her efforts managed to do anything. She may as well have been talking to a brick wall.

Come evening she was really starting to notice how lonely she was getting in that apartment. She couldn’t help it, a part of her missed Astian. Missed talking to him, missed watching movies with him. Missed hugging him, kissing him, and having sex with him. Even if most of those experiences were deliberately put into her head by him, she couldn’t deny how good he made her feel.

She shut her eyes tightly at the thought of Astian. No, it was good that he was gone. Not just because he was a bad person, but because with his magic, who knows what else he could’ve done to her. If he was willing to brainwash her into being his girlfriend, there was no way he would stop at that. He might have turned her into his full worshiper, or made her completely dependent on him. He might have even made her his slave. There was no way to tell how far he’d go.

The dreams she had just before arriving in this car were deeply disturbing. Thankfully after she fell asleep in the hotel no lost memories of Nathan came back to her. It seemed they only came once during sleep. She wished they wouldn’t come at all, but she couldn’t deny a part of her was morbidly curious to remember how Nathan dealt with his change.

It seemed like he actually fought back some. Good for him, even if she knew that he lost in the end.

What caught her attention the most though was Astian. Looking back at that memory now as she experienced it, she had a hard time believing the guilt she felt then was genuine. It had to be magically influenced. Astian wanted the perfect girlfriend after all. It made her wonder just how much she was brainwashed. Could she even leave Astian at all? Had he forced her with magic to stay with him at all costs? To overlook his flaws and his clear psychopathy? From his perspective, they had only actually dated for one week, and that week was the only time she knew the real Astian. He didn’t act any differently than in any other week, but if he was given more time…

Natalie shuddered at the thought.

***

Here it was, their destination. Finally, they had reached it. Unlike whatever the world that monitored magic abuse was called, the world she was in now was not a white void. It had scenery. Grass, trees, and cars were as far as the eye could see. She could even feel wind blow across her as she walked out of the car. The driver, a man who looked to be middle aged, waved as he drove away.

She walked across the expansive parking lot to the large building in front of her. It looked like an ordinary psychiatric institute, being very wide and quite tall. All things considered, it looked pretty inviting. She went inside and as was told, reported to the third floor.

As she walked through the place, she was extremely curious what all these rooms were for. What went on here? Was it just a psychiatric institute for the people that lived in this world, or something different? What world was she in anyway? It looked a lot like Earth, it even had something that looked very much like the Sun in the sky, but she knew that couldn’t be the case. Was it on a real planet, somewhere in some universe? Maybe.

It just hit Natalie that she was about to talk to people who literally lived in different universes.

THAT was going to be a trip.

She checked herself in and reported to the room just down the hallway to the left. She opened the door and was immediately greeted with the faces of ten other women looking right at her. Great, she was already having second thoughts. She only just got here.

“Hello Natalie.” Sara greeted her from one of the front chairs. “I’m happy you could join us.”

Natalie stared down at the stapled sheet of papers handed out to her. Whatever Sara was saying right now she wasn’t listening to. Considering it was the first day of this program, it was probably a bunch of boring, rudimentary, introductory crap. No, the paper she was holding was much more interesting.

“Identity death victims are overwhelmingly women, or men, depending on the perspective. The most common case of identity death is a man being transformed into a woman and then being made to forget their life as a man. This scenario makes up 96% of all identity deaths. Other cases of identity death may include a woman becoming a man and then forgetting life as a woman, or a person becoming another person and forgetting their previous life without the involvement of any gender transformation.”

Apparently every universe that had an Earth was filled with people that really wanted to turn men into women. Seriously, that many cases? Did that mean all the women in this room were originally men? Probably.

Why people were so fond of men becoming women while having a distinct lack of interest in the opposite was likely due to a ton of different factors, none of which Natalie wanted to ponder at the moment. She didn’t need to remind herself that she wasn’t a real woman.

“A person’s motivation for committing identity death is, for the most part, linked to their relationship to the victim. For instance, whenever a man commits identity death, it is usually on one of his close friends. Most of the time, it is to turn them into his girlfriend. There are also instances in which a man will brainwash a woman he doesn’t know into being his girlfriend, however as that does not involve erasing a person’s memories and creating a new life for them, it is not considered identity death.

Women do not usually commit identity death on their close friends, however they are much more likely to commit it on their romantic partners. The most common case is for a woman to transform her boyfriend into her daughter. There are also a not insignificant number of cases where a woman transforms a man into a woman in order to teach them to respect women or understand their struggles, though those cases do not involve identity death. In those instances, the transformation itself is usually intended to be a punishment.”

Even if this data was collected from a multitude of different universes, it was shocking to see just how fraught every world was with magic abuse. Also, considering being a woman to be a punishment was pretty fucked, was it not?

“Identity death can be done in one of two ways. Either it can be done with the victim transforming as the spell is being written, or the spell can be written entirely in advance and the person can be changed completely all at once. The former usually takes less time in total, but the latter is very useful for perpetrators looking for victims they don’t personally know.

The nature of most instances of identity death makes it crucial that victims are away from their perpetrators quickly. A disproportionately high number of men who transform their friends into their girlfriends end up being abusive partners, and a disproportionately high number of women who transform their partners into their daughters end up being abusive parents. It is not safe for them to be around each other.”

It was certainly comforting for Natalie to know that her fears were confirmed, and that Astian, the man she thought she loved, probably would’ve been a really bad husband. Bad enough to make her have nightmares, even. She nearly shivered. No, she didn’t want to have to think about that man again. He was gone, a part of her past.

A past she’d be forced to relive every time she slept.

She just couldn’t win, could she?

Natalie heard the doorknob turn and looked up to see the door open. Standing in the entrance to the room was a woman who looked very young. In fact, it may have been more accurate to say she was a girl, as she looked to be about eighteen. How could this program accept someone so young? Were people out there really performing identity death on literal children? That was seriously sick.

“Victoria, I’m happy you made it.” Sara said to her.

“Sorry I’m so late. Traffic was fucking crazy.” Victoria said as she took the open seat next to Natalie. “Did I miss anything?”

Sara handed her the same collection of papers everyone else got.

“Nope, we were just getting into introductions.”

‘Oh, great.’ Natalie thought with a silent groan.

***

Eventually, the actual session finally began. Introductions hadn’t taken that long and Natalie prided herself in actually being able to get through them. Of course, the people here probably wouldn’t have minded if she couldn’t do it, but still.

All of the women in the room had given female names, like her. Natalie just knew that they were all thinking the same thing. Everyone in that room had once been a man, in a past life, but no one wanted to outright state it.

Though that time may be coming up, because soon after introductions was an ‘open floor’ period where anyone was free to talk about anything they wanted involving their current problems. Inevitably, that subject was going to be brought up.

Hell, just after Natalie thought that, it did.

“Yeah, I still don’t remember all my male life, but I remember the night I transformed.” A woman who looked to be the same age as Natalie spoke to the group. She had said her name was Autumn. “Am I supposed to… tell it? Like, explain what happened to the whole room?”

“If you want to and are comfortable.” Sara answered.

“It’s a hard story to tell though… I don’t want to trigger anyone.”

The woman sitting beside her put a hand on her shoulder. “I don’t think a single person in this room has had an easy time reliving any of this. That’s what we’re here for. If it’s important that you say what happened to you, say it.”

Autumn’s eyes darted across the entire room, to see if she could find any hint of objection. Even if some of the women were staring at the ground or away from everyone else, she could find none.

“Okay, I’ll tell it.” She said. “If anyone gets uncomfortable, tell me.”

“Feel free to leave the room if you need to.” Sara added.

The room fell silent as Autumn took the time to prepare her speech.

“I still don’t remember what happened during that day, but in the night I was at a party. It was held at some frat house, I don’t know what the name of the frat was. I was a college freshman at the time, so the idea of going to some big college party was just something I couldn’t turn down. I had to go, I mean, I had thought college parties were a myth but right there was an opportunity to go to a real one. I had to take it.”

Autumn paused, turning her head as if to consider something.

“Since I’m already telling this story I might as well say what my male name was.” She said. “It was Alex.”

She continued her story. “My 18 year old male self seemed to fashion himself a sex god.” She snorted. “In reality he was a coward who never had the balls to actually go up and talk to a woman. In spite of that though, he… I, had an alright time. I was pretty drunk when I left the house, so instead of driving I had to stumble my way back to my dorm room. It wasn’t too far, thankfully. Anyway, as I walked onto the sidewalk I noticed this guy talking to some girl. He was holding this folded piece of paper in his hand. It had some writing on it, but my drunk mind couldn’t even begin to see what it was.”

She shut her eyes, seeming to tense up as the painful part of the story began.

“He was asking her if she wanted to come with him to his apartment. She said no, and then he took her hand and rubbed the paper all over her palm. He asked her the same question, and as he did I saw her eyes become unfocused, staring at him as if she was in a trance. This time, she said yes. Now, even as drunk as I was, seeing that exchange really weirded me out. The guy must’ve noticed me staring because he turned around and asked me if there was a problem. I tried to say something like ‘no I’m just trying to get back to my dorm’ but who knows what my drunk self actually said. It was probably funny whatever it was, because the guy had a smile on his face as I talked. He then came up to me and rubbed that piece of paper on my face. I guess he didn’t take my hand because he thought it was gay or something. But anyway, he asked me if I wanted to come to his apartment, and well… I said yes.”

At that point the whole room knew where her story was going. Natalie almost stood up to leave but willed herself to stay down.

“When he rubbed that paper on me I suddenly wasn’t drunk anymore, as if all the alcohol just left my system. It probably did. But despite that, I still wasn’t perceiving things quite right. It’s hard to explain what being in a trance is like. The best way to say it is that I was fully in love with this guy, and couldn’t think for myself. I just did whatever he told me to without saying a word. He led us back into his apartment, and well… he raped us.”

‘Fuck’, Natalie thought. If she didn’t have second thoughts about coming here before, she definitely did now.

“Even though my mind was clouded I can still recall it. He led that girl onto his bed and he began. Once he was finished, he looked over to me and took out another folded paper from his drawer. He rubbed it on me and that’s when the transformation happened. I didn’t feel anything, but even in my clouded state I was still confused at suddenly being a girl. He didn’t give me time to think about it though. He just led me to his bed and raped me.”

Natalie forced herself not to cringe. Now she really wanted to leave. Why did everything have to be so awful?

“I’m sorry.” The woman beside Autumn said.

“I guess you can’t really predict these things.” Autumn said with a weak grin. “If you’re curious about what happened after that, I woke up the next morning with no recollection of the past night, or my male life at all. As far as I knew I was Autumn, and had been my whole life. I had willingly gone to this guy’s apartment and had sex with him. Looking back at it now with my male memories coming in, it’s kind of trippy. To remember two things happening that one night, that is. I also noticed the other girl had left. I asked the guy where she went, and he said he didn’t know. I left after that and I… ‘thanked’ him for ‘a good night’. The piece of shit actually smiled before I left.”

Autumn’s face was starting to fill with rage, and she took a few moments to calm herself.

“Apparently that other girl died in a car crash a week later. A part of me suspects there may have been something more going on there. Something sinister, but my universe’s magic enforcement world wasn’t able to find anything. They also weren’t able to find the guy who did all this, and I just… don’t have it in me to try and find him myself. Reliving this memory has already been painful enough. I can’t do it.”

Autumn turned to look at Sara directly.

“That was six years ago, in both timelines. It took them six years to notice the double timeline. That’s what they said at least. How could it take so long? Were they lying about that and just didn’t want me to relive that memory?”

“If I am to be completely honest, they probably lied.” Sara answered. “I’ve talked to some people from the world monitoring your universe, and it shouldn’t take that long to find a merging timeline.”

“That’s what I thought.” Autumn said. “And you know what? Maybe they were right to hesitate. Maybe it would’ve been better if I never knew about all this. I just… I don’t know, I just want to move on. That’s all. Thinking about this stuff is exhausting. I just want it to be over.”

Natalie could definitely agree on that point. She wanted this to be over. She didn’t want to have to think about any of this shit anymore. It was exhausting.

Actually no, that wasn’t right. What she really wanted was someone to tell her that this was all some elaborate prank. To tell her that she really was just a normal woman, and not some man turned into one against their will. Whenever anyone in the room talked about identity death, all she heard was that she was supposed to be a man and nothing she had ever felt, seen, or done in her life was real.

Moving on was impossible. And at this point, she shouldn’t even call herself Natalie anymore.

Autumn’s story had started a chain reaction. Pretty soon everyone in the room was taking turns talking about what had led them into becoming the women they now were. Not everyone spoke about it, so far two women had declined, but most of them did. And as they did, Natalie’s suspicions were slowly but surely confirmed. They had all been men in a past life, and each had varying levels of remembrance of it.

Natalie listened as the woman before her finished telling her story. According to her, she had been cursed after calling a woman a bitch at a bar. It was a pretty dumb story, mainly because it made absolutely no sense to transform someone to “teach them a lesson” if you are just going to erase their memories and change their entire personality anyway. At that point why not just change their personality so that they’d already learned the lesson? Also, identity death for calling a woman a bitch? Seriously? Some of these perpetrators were the pettiest people alive.

Natalie noticed a few faces had turned toward her, as if anticipating something. Oh right, she was up next.

“Uh, no. I don’t want to talk about it.” Didn’t want to talk about Astian, more accurately. His mere name was enough to strike anger into her heart.

The last woman in line, Victoria, took the floor and began telling her story.

“I’ve had quite a few years to prepare this one. I hope it satisfies all your expectations.” She smirked. “It all started when I was a 26 year old man named Victor, living with my girlfriend in my apartment. We had been trying to save up for a real house for years, and just couldn’t do it. The costs were ridiculous! And we didn’t have enough for a mortgage either. It was that, along with the fact that work was getting very busy for me at the time, that made me so stressed I didn’t even notice my girlfriend was going out so much. Now at first, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, so I let it go. But then I found a used condom in her car. At that point I was too stressed to even be mad, but that didn’t mean I didn’t confront her. She got real mad but eventually she apologized and said she wouldn’t do it again. I decided to give her a second chance. That…” She paused. “Turned out to be the worst mistake I’d ever make in my life.”

Already Natalie could tell just how similar this story was to her own. Against her will, sparks began lighting up within her.

“The very next day I was fired from my job for some bullshit reason. At the time I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse. A horrible thing to think, because every single time it crosses your mind you quickly find that yes, things can get worse. A LOT worse, in fact.”

Natalie braced herself for what was about to come.

“As I tried to find a new job, my girlfriend began acting weird toward me. It started with her calling me ‘sweetheart’ and ‘sweetie’ and such. Then with her insisting I couldn’t drive anywhere or cook or really do anything by myself. It got even worse when things like my wallet, phone, and computer started disappearing. When I confronted her she told me I was just imagining things. It was all weirding me out, so I contemplated leaving, but my car had disappeared too. And when I tried to use my girlfriend’s car, I found that I had actually forgotten how to drive. Pulling out of the apartment driveway felt like the first time I had ever driven in my life, and it freaked me out real hard so I went back. The next three weeks after that were a nightmare.”

Victoria began to look visually uncomfortable as the next part began.

“Things kept changing with no explanation. Hell, I was changing. I continued forgetting things like how to fill out a job application or how to do my own laundry. My girlfriend began to do a lot of things for me, and for some reason, she looked really happy about it. And yes, my body began changing too. I noticed I was shrinking and my face was looking more juvenile. I started to have a hard time seeing my girlfriend as my girlfriend. Like, I couldn’t kiss her that way anymore. It grossed me out. Not just that, but I began to feel like I had to listen to whatever she said, because she was right about everything and was much smarter than me. Basically, I was starting to see her as my mother, but my mind was trying to keep me from realizing that.”

Natalie clenched her fists. It was impossible for this to not remind her of Astian, and all the awful shit he did to her. How was Victoria so calm when telling this? How could anyone be calm about this? Their entire life was stolen from them because of some deranged power fantasy!

“The last week was hell. Everything happened so fast. My girlfriend said we were moving, and all my bags were already packed. I saw that all my clothes looked like stuff a preteen girl would wear. None of my old clothes were there. Once we got to our new house, which did look pretty nice, it was only a few days before I was completely an 11 year old girl. But despite everything that had happened, I was still determined to fight this. And you want to know something? I almost won. I almost stopped them. I was so close.”

Natalie saw Victoria’s eyes had the hints of tears forming in them. However they were gone just as quickly as they came. For the most part, she was still calm, which only ignited the flame within Natalie more and more.

“One night I stayed up late and walked around the house, trying to see if there was anything I could do. My mind had mostly regressed to an 11 year old girl’s at that point but I still had enough of my adult self left to know that my time was running out and I would soon lose everything. Thankfully, it seemed luck was on my side, at least for a brief moment, as my girlfriend forgot to lock her bedroom door. I opened it, looked inside, and caught her with some other guy. I’d never seen him before, but I saw they were both writing weird symbols on some papers and speaking in some weird language. They didn’t even notice me before I said ‘I knew it was magic’. They were shocked at first but then tried to tell me that this was for the best. My girlfriend said I was ‘too stressed’ or something and that this guy had a nice job and we’d finally have the house we’d been trying to get for so long. Oh, by the way the house we moved into was that guy’s house. Anyway, said guy was the same guy she’d been cheating on me with, I’d never actually seen him before that. He said he just kind of went along with it and only helped her a bit. He didn’t even know magic existed before meeting her. ‘It was her idea’, he said. As you can imagine, it didn’t make me feel better.”

How could someone ever do something like this to another person? How could it be possible to care so little about the sanity of another human being? The people who committed identity death were the kinds of people who could never be reformed. The selfishness, the entitlement, and the depravity could never be fixed.

“They were trying to convince me to ‘give in’, because that would make everything easier. But I didn’t want to lose myself, so I just left the room in the middle of one of their long winded persuasive speeches. They didn’t call me back.” It took a few seconds before Victoria became ready to share the next part of the story. “My plan was a murder-suicide. My girlfriend wanted to make me into her daughter, and I wasn’t going to let her have that. I went to the attic to the gun cabinet, but then I realized I didn’t have the key. I couldn’t break the glass, no matter how hard I tried, so I had to go find it. I went to their bedroom, which they had stupidly left. I found it in one of their drawers. I went back to the attic and was almost to the cabinet before I was caught and my girlfriend pinned me to the wall. I attempted to put up a fight against her, but at that point I knew it was over. She was much stronger than me and there was no way I’d be able to get to the cabinet. But I still tried as hard as I could. Eventually the guy who apparently was to become my new father came into the attic and saw us fighting. My girlfriend yelled at him to grab the key from me, but he didn’t even seem to register her. Instead he just stared. I don’t know what was going through his mind, but seeing that scene was what pushed him over the edge. He said something like ‘fuck this’ or ‘this magic shit is getting too much for me’ and then left. And that’s the last time I ever saw him. I have no idea where he is now, magic enforcement was never able to find him. To this day, I’m still not sure if he was a brainwashed victim of my girlfriend's magic and seeing us fight was what snapped him out of it, or if he had free will the entire time and seeing us fight was what made him realize he didn’t want any part in this scheme anymore.”

The fact that Victoria was so willing to give these monsters the benefit of the doubt sickened Natalie to her core.

“My girlfriend got the key from me, and that’s when things start to get a bit… well, not blurry but hard to think clearly about. She yelled at me like I was fully her child, calling me things like ‘an ungrateful spoiled little bitch’. She then slapped my face a couple times and forced me into my room. There wasn’t enough of my male self left to resist her, and I was too deflated over how I just lost everything. I cried before I fell asleep. I still remember how terrified I was. I was actually begging for my mother, my REAL mother to come and tell me that everything would be okay. And… that’s it. I woke up the next morning with no memory of the previous day or my life as a man. I didn’t even remember that I had done something ‘wrong’ the night before and cried about it. I guess my ‘mother’ was really mad about her new husband leaving her, because she erased my ‘father’ from my life entirely. Apparently he left when I was really young. Too young to remember him or what he looked like. The only memories I have of that guy are of that one awful night.”

Victoria’s real family had been torn away from her forever. Her real mother didn’t recognize or even know who she was anymore. There was no contest, Victoria’s situation was far worse than Natalie’s, and yet she was so much calmer in spite of that. Did all those years remembering soften her up? Natalie could not let that happen to her.

“I guess I should talk about the aftermath. My ‘mother’, it’s really hard to call her that, got arrested a week after and was sentenced to… I think it was twenty-five years in prison for magic abuse. Now, from my perspective at that time, I was completely an 11 year old girl, so magic enforcement deemed I was not fit to know the truth. The explanation they came up with was that my fake mom got lost in a police chase. It wasn’t until I was 15 that they told me what really happened. I’ve been spending the past few years trying to sort this shit out, all while being stuck in a foster home. It’s been a hellish seven years.”

“Wow, I’m so sorry.” One of the women in the room said. “How are you coping with it?”

“It’s hard. I’ll never forgive her for what she did to me, I know that for sure. But I don’t have the energy to be mad about it anymore. My main goal is to just move on. I don’t know who I am, but I have to move on.”

Who she was was a grown man. How was that even a question? Had she lost her mind? Had everyone in the room lost sight of who they were? Was Natalie the only identity death victim left here with some god damn sense?

“The last thing I’ll say is this, I know a lot of adults who have said they want to be kids again. Take it from me, an adult who was forced to be a kid again, you don’t. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you only went back to like, 17 or something, but fully growing up a second time is an awful, awful experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Seeing your mind regress to that of a child’s is terrifying. You slowly lose yourself, along with your freedom and control. You feel like you’re going insane, because in a way, you basically are. It doesn’t stop there though. When I started remembering my male life, I basically became a thirty-something year old man in a teenage girl’s body, which is just fucking horrible. Being a student in high school with an adult mind is complete hell. The classes are way too easy for me and way below my level, which makes acing them feel like nothing. I feel empty about it, like I didn’t earn it. But even worse is the teen drama, which I have to navigate as an adult. I can’t even date anyone without feeling like a child predator. I hate it. I hate all of it. So. Much. I just want it to stop.”

But it can never stop. Every day you live will only continue the fake fantasy life forced onto you. The life you didn’t even want before you were made to want it. There can be no escape from this. And none of the people here seemed to be interested in the hard facts.

Natalie forced herself to rein in her ever growing anger. She had had beyond enough of these spineless people.

When her anger finally came out, she stood up from her chair and stormed out of the room.

The front doors of the psychiatric institute were flung open as Natalie furiously stomped out of them.

As if not being real wasn’t bad enough, now she had to deal with a bunch of people who couldn’t accept the simple facts about their so-called “lives”. How could they be so squeamish about what really happened to them? And worst of all, they had therapists there with them, supporting it. Spouting some nonsense about “merging timelines” and how “technically everything they remember really did happen”. It was all a bunch of crap to make them feel better, and Natalie was having none of it.

She stormed onto the sidewalk and passed building after building. She didn’t really know where she wanted to go, but it was somewhere far away. Somewhere she wouldn’t have to deal with people.

How could those “women” in that room still see themselves as women? They were comforting themselves with false delusions, like spineless cowards. Well guess what? Life is fucking hard sometimes and you have to deal with it. No matter how much they wanted to be real, regular women, the truth was that they weren’t. They were some dude’s jack-off fantasy. Their entire purpose for existing was because some pathetic psychopath was mad he couldn’t get a girlfriend and decided to carve one out of his friend. Everything they had ever done in life and all of who they are as a person was fake, only existing because said guy found it attractive and they weren’t their own person and yeah that wasn’t easy to accept but some shit you just have to deal with no matter how hard-

Tears left Natalie’s eyes and she fell to the ground, in the back of what looked like some pizza place.

“Oh god.” She whimpered.

Her face quickly became wet with tears and she lost control of her breaths.

She wished she had pulled the trigger when she had the chance.

“I just want to be normal.” She managed to get out between sobs.

Natalie laid there on the ground for what seemed like hours, ignoring anyone who may have caught sight of her.

For the second time in her whole adult life, she cried herself to sleep.

***

Despite living in an apartment, Nathan and Astian were basically in the middle of nowhere. It was a random assortment of houses and shops for about ten miles before you got to the closest city. And right before the city were the suburbs, one of the strongest pieces of evidence that hell really did exist on Earth.

Driving alone for the first time in close to two weeks actually felt pretty good. Living by himself for so long had made Nathan almost forget what living with another person was like. Really, he just needed some time out of the apartment, and by himself.

What had sparked this drive were a few of Astian’s comments toward him earlier in the day. Unfortunately, they still weren’t done having vocal disagreements with each other.

***

It had started as a pretty typical morning, which was great because that meant no nonsense when Astian woke him up, thank god. Sitting on the couch in the living room, Nathan passed the time by staring at his phone.

“Man you really gotta change your clothes.” Astian said.

Nathan perked his head up.

“Look at yourself. Your shirt’s full of toothpaste stains, there’s a hole in the armpit, your pants have a giant hole in the middle. I can see your underwear.” Astian pointed out. “You look like a slob.”

Nathan looked down. His shirt did look pretty messy, but he was also in this apartment nearly 24/7. Was it really such a big deal when no one was there to see him?

“If you want to get your life back in order, you have to fix your appearance. Take some time to look like someone who cares at least a little about how they look, you know?”

After saying that, Astian left the apartment, leaving Nathan alone to ponder his suggestions.

***

It was noon now, and Nathan had decided that Astian was right. He really needed to change things up. It was embarrassing to be a 24 year old man who still couldn’t brush his teeth without making a mess. At least he had enough money left on his debit card to buy some new clothes.

On the bright side, now that Nathan had forgiven Astian for his weirdness earlier in the week, they were getting along a lot better.

For the most part. Things had gotten worse before they got better.

Last night had been very awkward for both of them.

***

Nathan wasn’t paying much attention to the movie that Astian had insisted they watch together. Instead, his mind was mostly left to drift, wandering to whatever part of the screen his eyes felt compelled to stare at.

He was also pretty tired. Who knew the stress of unemployment could get so bad?

At some point, when the movie was almost over, he tilted his head to the side and proceeded to lean it there. Eventually his head hit Astian’s shoulder and immediately he felt better. He closed his eyes to relish in the feeling.

…Wait… what was he doing?

With a sudden burst of energy, he quickly shot his head up as a shocked and disturbed expression spread across his face.

Astian turned to him curiously.

“Umm…” Nathan struggled to form words. “Sorry, I… too close.”

“Oh.” Astian said nonchalantly. “It’s cool.”

He turned back to the screen, as if nothing happened at all.

Nathan was beyond thankful Astian was so calm about this. A ton of guys out there would’ve surely turned that into some huge confrontation. Still… what was wrong with him? Why did he do that? And why did he ENJOY it?

It had only been a day before that he complained to Astian about his bizarre, almost flirtatious actions toward him, but… did he really have any right to complain about them if he was doing stuff like this?

Watching the credits roll, Nathan figured the best thing to do would be to just forget about it and not let it happen again.

***

Forgetting about it was clearly easier said than done, apparently. He just couldn’t get over what he did, and in turn was making what was probably a very small thing into a massive problem.

Maybe he just needed more time.

Finally, a clothing store came into view. Being the middle of a weekday, not many people were out shopping, so Nathan was able to park his car in one of the many open spots and go inside without many troubles.

***

It was a good thing Nathan remembered his sizes. Buying a few new T-shirts and pairs of underwear was pretty easy, and luckily he had enough money for all of it.

Back in his room, he emptied the new clothes on his bed. As he sorted through them, something caught his eye and confused him. He picked up the foreign object and held it out in front of him.

Why were there a pair of panties here? Pink panties, even. How did they get here? He hadn’t bought these, he was sure of it.

Concerned, he dropped the feminine garments and immediately went over to his computer and looked at his purchase history. And to his surprise, there was indeed a record of him buying this product.

What the fuck?

He knew for a fact that he was the only one around when he had checked out these clothes. There wasn’t any woman, or anyone at all for that matter, who was in front of or behind him. There was no way any clothes could’ve been mixed up. So how the hell did they get in there?

Nathan really thought back to when he went to the store, trying to come up with any explanation of how the panties could’ve gotten in his bags. And as he did, he realized the woman at the checkout counter did give him some weird looks as he was paying for these clothes. At the time he hadn’t understood why, he had made sure he didn’t look too much like a slob before he went out, but for whatever reason she seemed to find something about him really strange.

Shit.

He really did buy those panties, didn’t he?

Thinking about it was so bizarre. He didn’t know how, but without thinking, he had gone to the women’s clothing section, picked them out, and then paid for them. Somehow he had done it without realizing it.

Was he having some kind of mental break? What the fuck was wrong with him?

He looked back to the panties on his floor. Picking them back up and examining them, he couldn’t help but wonder… what would it feel like to wear them?

He instantly threw them at a wall. No, he wasn’t about to wear panties. He wasn’t going to just accept whatever compelled his mind to go on autopilot to buy women’s underwear. He needed to hang on to whatever shreds of his dignity he had left.

He put his remaining clothes away, leaving the panties on the floor of his closet.

***

Nathan stared at himself in the bathroom mirror, inspecting every inch of his body.

It had been nearly two weeks since he first moved into this apartment, and ever since then, things had been changing. Things about him, specifically. And it wasn’t until now that he fully realized it.

His body had somehow changed. The changes he had taken notice of before were still there. His facial hair hadn’t come back, and his body hair was lighter and thinner. But it was the changes he hadn’t noticed before, the ones that happened without him realizing it, that really stood out.

He looked like he was losing weight. While Nathan hadn’t really been fat, once he was shirtless a soft, slightly protruding belly could be seen. That was gone now, he was thinner, as if he worked out any more than not at all. His arms and legs were thinner too, if that were somehow possible. And when he looked at his hands and feet, he could see they had gotten smaller. Not by a lot, but he was sure he wasn’t imagining it.

He met his worried expression in the mirror. Something was happening here. Something out of his control. What about his mental changes? Thinking he was changing mentally at all was a scary thought, but he couldn’t deny the fact that he had bought panties for himself without thinking about it.

If these changes continued, and he had no reason to believe they wouldn’t, he’d need to call a doctor. Actually, he should just call one right now. He was likely coming down with something, and putting this off for any longer could be very damaging.

He made the call and scheduled the appointment for tomorrow. He went to his bedroom and tried to forget about his health to get some sleep.

***

A soft breeze hit Nathan’s face as he rolled over in his sleep. Had he forgotten to shut his window? It’d be the first time, he always left it shut. Opening his eyes, he found himself staring at a brick wall, laying on the ground.

What?

He immediately sat up in confusion, only to look down to see a pair of breasts.

“What the fuck.” He muttered, becoming startled even further by his female voice.

Why was he a woman? What was happening?

Wait…

He… Something had happened. He had to fight to remember what…

It was… it was something really important.

It was…

Wait, it was Astian!

Astian had, holy shit!

He remembered now, he remembered it all, Astian had turned him into a woman and forced him to be his girlfriend. There was a whole trial over it. He had become “Natalie” and was given a new set of memories to match that.

Astian had lost the trial and was sent to jail. He now lived alone in his apartment. He could remember everything. He even remembered he had a job now and was currently supposed to be in some stupid mental health program.

Nathan stood up, intent on walking back to the program to tell them he was done. He wasn’t going to put up with this shit anymore. After having his life stolen from him, the last thing she wanted was to listen to some cowards who couldn’t admit the truth.

Natalie began walking down the sidewalk to the psychiatric institute and…

Huh?

She stopped instantly, reaching up to grab her head.

The fuck was that?

When she first woke up, she had remembered all of Nathan’s life before the change, along with all her current memories of the last week. Now they were gone, replaced completely with the memories of her prior life. She couldn’t recall a single detail of her life as Nathan.

Was that some kind of glitch? Was this going to be the start of her psychotic break?

All those questions were halted when she heard someone call out her name. She turned to her side to see someone running toward her.

“Hey.” They said once they reached her. “I was told to look for you.”

Natalie had been led back to the psychiatric institute. Specifically, back to Sara’s office. She could see Sara typing something onto her computer as she sat in the chair in front of her.

“Thank you.” Sara said to the person who found Natalie. They smiled, then promptly left the room.

Natalie involuntarily winced and looked down. Sara had to be disappointed in her. It’d be right for her to be. She stormed out of the group therapy room, stormed out of the building, and fell down crying behind some pizza place. She was seriously pathetic. How could anyone not be disappointed?

“I’m not going to yell at you.” Sara said to her with compassion.

Natalie looked up, her eyes lined with hints of forming tears.

“I know it’s hard.” Sara said. “I just want to know why you felt you had to leave.”

Natalie felt a lump form in her throat. Guilt ate away at her heart. Why was she feeling so guilty? What happened to the determined woman ready to storm back here just a few minutes ago? Could she not even keep herself straight for that short a span of time?

No one said anything for about three minutes, the only sound in the room being the ticking second hand of the clock on the wall. Putting everything into words seemed impossible.

“I was angry.” Natalie finally said.

Sara looked on, giving her time to continue.

“Everyone in there was so… they… they didn’t know what they were talking about.”

“How so?” Sara questioned.

Natalie was silent again. It was hard to say what she was thinking, but… Sara was so understanding. She, of all people, would see where Natalie was coming from, right?

“They’re just… cowards.”

“Cowards?”

“Yeah, it’s just frustrating.” Natalie said. “I don’t know how they can ignore that they aren’t real people.”

“What do you mean?” Sara asked. “They’re not ignoring what happened to them, they’re trying to cope. And they are real people. They were there, they were talking to each other, they were helping each other. They’re real. They’re whoever they want to be.”

“Why are you sugarcoating it?” Natalie asked. “None of us are real people. We’re some deranged lunatic’s power fantasy.”

“Natalie, you’re all so much more than that.” Sara said. “You lived real lives, had real memories. You all have unique journeys, and all of them have valu-”

“Cut the shit!” Natalie yelled, sudden anger overtaking her.

Sara’s face turned to one of sympathy.

“The only reason we exist is because a very sick person made us real. No one here cares about the facts, they just want everyone to feel good. Well, I’m not having it!”

“I’m sorry you think that about yourself.” Sara said. “It’s okay to be mad, but your thought process is very unhealthy.”

“Do we tell psychosomatic people that their illness is real? No, we don’t. We don’t indulge in their delusions.”

“Natalie, you’re veering off course. I think you might need some time to relax and cool off.”

“Shut the fuck up and let me talk!”

Natalie had gone red, visibly fuming with anger. So quickly had rage filled her heart. She lost control before she even knew it.

“Natalie.” Sara said. “I know I’m not the most experienced with identity death. I have a lot to learn. But I have been doing my research. And what I do know is that feeling fake, feeling inadequate, feeling like you don’t belong, that’s not uncommon. It’s normal to not know who you are. But… Natalie, look at yourself. Look at what you’re doing. Look at what you’re saying.”

Natalie turned her head away.

“You’re attacking your fellow victims, saying they don’t know what they’re talking about. That they’re cowards. That none of them are real people. And with that, you’re getting yourself mad.”

Natalie’s gaze remained fixed on the wall to her left, refusing to look at Sara.

“These people are trying their best to cope with what happened to them. They’re on your side, and you’re shutting them down. That’s not healthy, Natalie. When I hear what you’re saying, I see someone who’s hurting badly. Someone who has a deep hatred of themselves, and is lashing out at other people. It’s hard, but we need to find a better way for you to cope.”

Natalie still didn’t budge.

“Have you had any irregularities when reliving past memories?”

Natalie pondered that for a moment. She was sure she wasn’t experiencing anything particularly odd. Except maybe when “Nathan” suddenly popped in earlier. That was normal right? Natalie wanted to ask, and she almost did, but she simply shook her head.

“Okay. I think it might be a good idea for you to have some time away from this for a while. Take a break. If you want to, of course.” Sara said. “Really, it’s up to you, but I think you should take a little break.”

“I think so too.” Natalie muttered.

“How about a walk?” Sara suggested. “If you want I can come with you. Or you can have someone else. Or you can be alone, if you want.”

“I want this all to be over.”

“I know.” Sara said. “This is a long, hard process. It takes time, and it doesn’t have a clear end.”

“No, I mean I want this to be over, right now.”

Sara became concerned, and Natalie turned toward her.

“You said that Nathan’s timeline still exists, right?”

“Yes.” Sara answered hesitantly.

“I want to go back.” Natalie stated. “I want to go back to my real timeline. To Nathan. You can do that right?”

“Yes… but I’m not sure that’s-”

“I know I’m not the only person who’s gone back.”

Sara sighed. “No, but… Natalie, in your current state, I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Going back to Nathan’s timeline won’t bring back all your memories. It won’t make you feel better. It’s an entirely different reality, and that… that could overwhelm you.”

“I know what I want.” Natalie stated. “It might not make me feel any better, but I’ll be where I’m supposed to be. Not living some fake life cooked up by some lunatic.”

“Again, this is a big decision. A new reality isn’t a small thing. You should at least take a few da-”

“I don’t fucking care!” Natalie shouted. “Stop fucking talking! I don’t care! Do you think I wanted this!? Do you think I wanted to have some secret male life!? No, I didn’t. I want to be a normal woman. A woman who was born a woman, and wasn’t some random guy forcibly turned into a woman by his insane fucking roommate! You don’t have any fucking idea what I’m going through! I have to wonder if every single one of my fucking habits was created by him. If the way I think was created by him!”

Natalie’s outburst had taken her out of her seat. Sara examined her enraged state, fully expecting her to continue yelling and ranting.

That didn’t happen.

Natalie sat back down, her rage being replaced by bitter defeat.

“I can’t trust anything anymore.” She said. “I’m done. I’m beyond done. Just fucking take me back.”

Sara stared at Natalie for a long moment after that was said. Her eyes jumped back and forth between her and the computer, considering the request and everything that came with it.

“If that’s what you really want.” Sara said as she typed something onto her computer. “Then it can be done.”

***

The next two hours passed by like a dream. If one were to ask Natalie what happened during them, she wouldn’t have been able to recall. It was as if her mind had been shut off, refusing to process any new information.

It wasn’t until she was told to press some button that it finally rebooted.

Holding down the button, Natalie saw the mirror fill with blue, cloud-like swirls. They spun around constantly, soon consuming the entirety of the image and leaving nothing else visible.

“This will take you back to where the Nathan timeline left off.” Sara said. “Step through it, and you’ll be put back to sleep. When you wake up, you’ll be Nathan, fully in the alternate reality.”

As that information was passed onto her, Natalie saw the clouds gradually clear up. The floorboards, the walls, the ceiling, the door, everything in the room slowly became visible again. When the last of the clouds faded, Natalie saw the reflection of Nathan looking back at her.

“The portal can only be open for twenty minutes.” Sara explained. “If you need more time to think, make sure you come to your decision in twenty minutes.”

Natalie reached her hand up to the side of her face, watching Nathan copy her every movement with perfection. She was in awe of its precision. How could it be possible for an entirely different body to reflect one’s motions so well?

Sara walked back toward the door of the small room. The door opened and Natalie turned back to her. Sara gazed at her for a bit, looking like she wanted to say something to her, but she didn’t. She walked back through the door and shut it, not saying another word.

Natalie turned back to the reflection of Nathan before her. Nathan looked exactly as she remembered him from the memories. Memories she was told she wouldn’t be getting back if she stepped through here. Memories she would still have to relive after stepping through. The portal couldn’t change that.

A twinge of uncertainty and dread hit Natalie as she stared into the mirror. Against her will, shame broke into her mind. Was she actually going to do this? Maybe she needed a little more time to…

Natalie shook her head. No, this was what she wanted. She was happy about this. She couldn’t wait to get to her real life, the one that really happened. She didn’t want to be a man, but she couldn’t always get what she wanted.

This was something that had to be done

Natalie stepped through the portal, blackness soon overcoming her vision.

A dreamless sleep awaited Natalie once she entered the mirror. And after all she had to endure the previous few days, she wanted nothing else. Short, easy, noninvasive, that was all she needed to be satisfied.

Here she was, finally, in the other timeline. The original timeline.

The real timeline.

Natalie had spent a good amount of time just staring up at the ceiling from her bed when she first woke up. Her bedroom looked exactly as she remembered it from her dreams. Men’s clothes replaced the women’s in her opened closet, and she could see that her bed was smaller, only meant to accommodate a single person. It didn’t feel as comfortable as the bed in her own timeline, especially without someone beside her, but she tried her best to ignore that.

Of course, after a while, it became impossible to look past the elephant in the room.

She was now Nathan, a man. As she was sitting up in her bed, looking down at herself, that fact became extremely apparent.

Natalie wasn’t exactly shocked seeing her body like this, even though she probably should’ve been. She’d seen Nathan’s body before in memories and dreams, as well as in her reflection right before entering the mirror, but she’d never seen it while she was currently in it. So this should’ve been a shock.

And yet it wasn’t. Somehow it was like she already knew what being Nathan felt like, before having to experience it.

She really hated this whole two lives thing. She hoped someone would kill Astian in magic prison.

Speaking of Astian, where was he? He couldn’t possibly still be in this reality.

Natalie went to her phone, quickly typing “Astian Dover” into the search bar and found an almost identical news story to the one she read in the other reality as the top result. Robbery, lost, unable to find, the whole shebang. It was all the same even down to the text.

They must’ve gotten rid of him in this reality too. That, of course, means he wouldn’t be here in this apartment, with his job.

And his salary.

Nathan was unemployed.

A wave of panic shot through Natalie as she felt her heartbeat increase.

How could she forget Nathan didn’t have a job? That was such a huge part of the dreams! And she just forgot? Shit, she was going to have to find a new job. And if she didn’t, she’d be evicted, she’d become homeless, she’d have to sleep on the ground, and then she’d die! This was a horrible idea, what the hell was she thinking!?

Natalie looked at Nathan’s face in the large bedroom mirror and forced herself to take deep breaths and calm down. No, she didn’t regret anything. This was where she was supposed to be. This was her real life, she had to try and rationalize the situation.

They knew about her decision to come back here. Hell, they were the ones who let her do it. Surely they wouldn’t just bring her back here without giving her a way to live comfortably.

She stood from the bed and checked around her bedroom, quickly becoming acquainted with how bland it was. She’d known that from the dreams, sure, but walking around the room in person remained a rude awakening for her. There wasn’t a single poster of something Nathan might have liked, there weren’t any photos of himself or his family on his phone or anywhere else, and his desktop background was literally a black screen. He simply never decorated anything.

To Natalie, that was just bizarre. If this was the kind of person Nathan was, that was a little depressing. In spite of the difference in gender and subsequent life experiences, a part of Natalie thought that she and Nathan were at their core, the same. They were literally the same person after all. She was sure Nathan liked all the same stuff she did. She guessed that was a pretty naive assumption.

Nathan’s clothes shared the same blandness as the room. That part probably wasn’t unique to Nathan though. Most men didn’t really care about fashion, and Nathan seemed squarely in that camp. He didn’t even have that many clothes, not nearly as much as Natalie did anyway. He literally only had like, four shirts, and that was including a sweatshirt. He was a true minimalist if there ever was one.

Then again, since Natalie had no free will of her own and everything about her was created by Astian, she probably couldn’t say much about Nathan not bothering to personalize anything. Her having more clothes than him was probably just Astian thinking “woman equals more clothes”. Really, “Natalie” was hardly even a person.

Natalie harshly pulled the drawer out of its slide and let it drop to the floor, hitting her foot.

“FUCK!” She shouted.

Instantly she heard her deep growl and put her hands to her chest. She groaned then fell back down onto the bed. She didn’t have the energy for this, everything sucked. Why did she choose to come to this reality again?

No, she wasn’t going down that route, especially not on the first day. She had to keep herself together. And remind herself, it didn’t matter what she thought, what mattered was the truth. Nathan was real, she was not. She needed to stop moping around and get back to finding… whatever the hell it was she was supposed to be finding.

Natalie sat up in her bed and tried to think of anywhere in her room she hadn’t looked. She’d torn through all the drawers and there wasn’t anything else in the closet. Did they really not give her anything to help her out? They couldn’t have expected her to find a job on her own so quickly, right? There had to be something here.

At that point Natalie realized she hadn’t thought to open the left door of the closet.

Slowly, she got herself out of bed and went to the closet, opening the left door and coming upon only a small handful of shirts. At least she didn’t have to share this space with anyone else like she had to in the other timeline. This clothes rack was much less cluttered.

Natalie looked down and sure enough, she saw something. A large wooden chest that she knew wasn’t present in her dreams. She breathed a sigh of relief. This had to be it.

She opened the chest and gasped at all the stacks of money inside.

“No way.”

She was about to reach down and grab it but a piece of paper taped inside the chest caught her eye. She tore it off and saw it was a letter addressed to her.

“To Natalie/Nathan Parker,

We have been informed of your decision to go back to Nathan’s timeline. We have granted you that choice and as such we will work to make your transition as comfortable and easy as possible. As you are aware, Nathan did not have a job in this apartment. He was completely dependent on Astian. Since Astian has been removed from your current reality, we have given you enough money to comfortably live by yourself for three months before you can secure a new job. All the money needed for groceries, rent, bills, gas, etc. is included in this chest, in cash form. Please use it responsibly.

We have also included a 4-liter bottle of a potion we think you might find helpful. It is impossible to completely stop your memories from resurfacing, however it is possible to slow it down, and I think you’ll find that helpful in your transition. Drinking this potion will do just that. Make sure you spread out your use of it. It is currently under a magic spell keeping it fresh at room temperature. However, once it is out of the chest the magic will wear off and the bottle will need to be put in a refrigerator.

We will do anything in our power to support you. Until we meet again.

- The Guardians”

Well at least Natalie had a name for them now.

She placed the note back into the chest, leaning down to examine the many stacks of cash awaiting her. She didn’t know if it was just her seeing a ton of physical cash in person, but it looked like they might have overestimated how much money she needed. She wasn’t about to count the amount, but it was a hunch. Not that she was complaining, of course.

She looked to the top left corner of the chest and saw the potion bottle the note was talking about. It was about as heavy as a gallon jug of milk when she took it out, and the liquid inside had the same consistency as milk when it moved. The liquid itself had a deep maroon color, enough to be distinct from both blood and most cherry drinks. Hopefully it’d taste like cherry too.

If this potion was any indication, then these guys were really going out of their way to help her. Maybe she shouldn’t be so rude to them.

Remembering the part about the magic fading away, Natalie went to the refrigerator to store the potion. She wasn’t sure how long the potion would be good for, but he assumed it’d be good for at least a few months. Probably more, considering this was a magic potion. It had to last longer than anything on Earth.

Nathan opened the fridge door and placed the potion inside. As he did so, he was immediately met with an excessive amount of alcoholic beverages, which he really needed right now. He went to pull out a bottle of red wine and…

No.

Nathan dropped the bottle, the glass shattering all over the floor, as he got lightheaded.

No, not… not this again.

He fell to the ground, grasping his head tightly. Against his will, he could recall things he never wanted to know. Breasts, menstruation, becoming penetrated with…

He was horrified by it all, and as much as he didn’t want to think about it, he couldn’t stop himself.

Then suddenly, her entire thought process switched. In an instant, she didn’t understand what the big deal was, or why she was so upset.

Just like that, Nathan was gone.

Natalie’s hands fell to her sides.

She looked at the broken glass on the floor. A fallen teardrop joined the red wine surrounding it.

She should clean it up.

***

Natalie reached up for the remote, grabbing it without having to strain her arm.

Being taller certainly came with its privileges.

Little things like this served as a steadfast reminder to Natalie that she was in a man’s body. And as she sat on the couch with her legs together, she was reminded again of her predicament when her crotch felt just a little uncomfortable.

She now knew why men spread their legs.

She groaned as she looked through the streaming services to find anything to watch, trying her best not to be distracted by her big hands. She wanted a break, she’d spent the last few hours going through the whole apartment to see how much had changed when she went through the mirror.

She shouldn’t have been surprised to see it was so much.

Sara was right, this was right when Nathan’s timeline left off. When that was, she wasn’t quite sure, but she could see from the calendar that she had gone back at least a few weeks.

It was a trippy experience. Natalie had looked through a bunch of photos and documentation which confirmed her suspicions. There was absolutely no trace of her ever existing. In here, Nathan was the one who grew up with her family, graduated high school, got his license, got a job and whatnot. He was the one who was living with Astian. In so many ways, they were the same.

But so very different.

Natalie went through Nathan’s phone, the same one she had, and looked to see who was in his texts. She could see his, or rather their parents there, as well as their sister, but no one else aside from Astian. He didn’t have any friends listed.

Natalie couldn’t help but wonder, what were things like before he moved into this apartment? Was he really just by himself all the time? Not a single person to talk to?

She didn’t want to judge Nathan too harshly, but he was a real mess.

It didn’t help that Nathan wasn’t exactly in the best shape. He couldn’t really be called fat, but he definitely had a bit of a belly, and just by moving around in his body Natalie could tell he wasn’t nearly as fit as she had been.

It wasn’t like Nathan was ugly or anything, no. In fact, really examining his face, Natalie thought he was a completely fine looking man. He could probably look good if he actually took the time to present himself well. As is, he just kind of looked like a slob.

The only thing Nathan had going for him over Natalie was that he was a real person. Which, to be fair, was a huge thing that should basically cancel everything out.

Natalie threw an empty cup at the wall as she selected and opened Netflix.

***

Natalie shivered when she felt the water hit her skin. She tried to not look down at herself, something she failed at very quickly.

At least she couldn't say she wasn't familiar with this body.

Natalie groaned as she slathered herself in soap, racing through her shower as quickly as possible. With her now short hair, that was pretty easy to do. It also took a lot less time for her to clean her chest when it was flat.

Within only a few minutes, she turned off the shower water, put on a clean pair of sleeping clothes much unlike the pajamas she wore in her timeline, and threw herself onto her bed.

And for nearly an hour, she tossed and turned restlessly, unable to sleep a wink.

Natalie laid there eyes wide open, not even close to tired.

What was she waiting for?

She turned her head to the side and stared at the mirror.

Who was she waiting for?

She pulled the covers up close to her.

At some point, long after she had stopped keeping track of the time, she was finally able to get herself to sleep, and when that happened, she saw that same man standing, staring at the window again.

He looked more transparent this time.

The doctor stared down at Nathan’s BMI results.

“Well.” She started. “You’ve definitely lost weight.”

“No shit”, Nathan wanted to say.

“Is it a lot?” He asked.

“It’s a bit.” She responded. “Though I should point out how you are no longer in the ‘overweight’ range.”

Nathan furrowed his brow.

The doctor sighed. “If you want, we can do a blood test. We can get the results back pretty quick.”

“How quick?”

“About a day.” She answered.

Nathan’s gaze turned to his arm, examining how much thinner it had become.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

***

A quick sample of his blood was taken and Nathan was on his way. During his drive back, he couldn’t stop thinking about how the doctors seemed completely apathetic to any of his concerns, almost as if they were annoyed he even considered them concerns at all.

It wouldn’t be the first time.

At least he got the bloodwork done, that was all that really mattered.

Nathan parked his car, getting up to head to his and Astian’s apartment. And he swore that the second he opened the apartment door, he suddenly needed to take a dump. A very, very bad dump.

He ran to the bathroom, his intestines feeling like they were exploding as he expelled the sudden barrage in his gut. The pain and pressure of it made him drool.

It took a few minutes, but he did eventually finish, and as he was washing his hands, he took notice of something as the toilet was being flushed.

For lack of a better term, his poop looked weird. It was almost like it was covered in subtle shades of bizarre colors. It could’ve just been the lighting and angle he was looking at it in, in fact it probably was, but the events of the past week had put him on edge, to the point where every little thing was enough to make him paranoid.

Nathan stared at his face in the mirror.

“Stop worrying so much.” He told himself.

He took another look at the toilet, seeing that not everything had been flushed out.

He turned the handle again and left the room, trying to ignore how he was still seeing those shades.

***

A knock was heard on Nathan’s bedroom door in the midst of his game.

“Nathan.” Astian called. “I got pizza.”

Nathan paused the game and took his headphones off, brushing his hair out of his face as he did so. He’d been doing that a lot recently and it was getting kind of annoying. He really needed to get a haircut.

Nathan walked toward the dining room, the fresh scent of oven-baked pizza exciting him more than it had any right to. Astian was already there in the room eating a slice.

“Do you really need two boxes?” Nathan asked him while grabbing a plate.

“Do you really think I don’t know who I’m living with?” Astian said back.

Nathan let out a particularly scornful snicker as he got his slice and took a seat. Even though he had been getting into cooking, and was able to make some pretty good meals, Nathan still ordered way too much takeout. Every week at his old apartment, he ordered pizza at least once, sometimes twice. It was the main culprit of his weight gain and mediocre health. That alongside his excessive alcohol consumption. It certainly didn’t help that for him, pizza and alcohol went hand in hand. Whenever he got a pizza, he always needed some wine or vodka to wash it down. He had spent countless Friday and Saturday nights just eating pizza and drinking while playing a game on his computer. If nothing else, he was not a man that took much to be pleased.

Nathan hadn’t had one of those nights since he moved in here, mainly because he didn’t have to order anything when Astian cooked basically every meal. Also, Nathan just wasn’t in the mood for alcohol these days. The stress of, well, everything was just turning him off.

“So… Nathan.” Astian caught his attention. “I might as well tell you this now, we’re gonna have another person moving in.”

Nathan abruptly stopped chewing, staring up at Astian incredulously.

“I know, I know. I’m not a fan of it either, but I don’t have any other option. I have to help her.”

Nathan swallowed. “Help who?”

“My sister.” Astian answered. “She’s been having a rough time.”

“I thought she was doing well, what happened?”

“She doesn’t want to talk about it.”

Nathan paused momentarily, then nodded.

“Okay.” He said. “But where will she sleep? We only have two bedrooms here.”

“We’ll figure it out.” Astian replied. “Anyway, I should also mention that she’s going to be moving in slowly. So we’re gonna be getting a little of her stuff like her clothes each day. I’m not sure how long it will take, but she’s expecting it to be about two or three weeks.”

“Why the hell would she move in like that?”

“Again, she doesn’t want to talk about it.”

Astian’s stern look deterred Nathan from asking any more questions.

“Alright.” He said. “Just… I mean, you’re already supporting and trying to help me. Adding another person into the mix seems like it’ll just be a mess. I don’t want you to overwork yourself.”

“Oh trust me, I don’t mind. I like helping people, it’s what I do.”

Astian looked into Nathan’s eyes with an infectious smile, causing Nathan to chuckle. He hadn’t noticed it before, but Astian had a very nice smile. So nice that just looking at it made Nathan instantly feel better.

“Well…” Astian gestured to the pizza boxes. “I’ll let you have the rest of this. Consider it my treat for you. I know you’ve been having a rough two weeks.”

Nathan sighed. “That’s an understatement.” He said.

“Yeah, I know.” Astian replied. “I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.”

Astian nodded and walked over to the trash can. “By the way,” he said, “do you have her number?”

“Whose number?”

“My sister’s.”

“Oh.” Nathan said. “No, I don’t. Will I need it?”

“I don’t think so. I’ll tell you if you do.” Astian answered.

Nathan nodded. “Okay.”

Astian was about to leave the room when suddenly he spoke up again. “Oh and Nathan, I have to say, you have a nice blush.”

Nathan’s face fell as Astian left the dining room and laughed. Gulping, he quickly checked his reflection on his phone camera. Shit, had he been blushing? He needed to watch that.

Wait, what? Why the hell would he need to “watch” that? What was he watching for?

Nathan put the phone down and grabbed another slice of pizza, as on edge as he was earlier in the day. He ate quickly and stressefully until suddenly, he felt himself growing tired and cold very quickly. He lifted his hand to his head to attempt to stave it off. It didn’t work.

He then heard Astian come into the room again, laying his hands down on his shoulders. Nathan turned his head to face him, but he couldn’t see anything. It was as if the dining room around him was fading away, leaving behind nothing but black.

Despite not being able to see anything, Nathan felt Astian come close to his ear. He shuddered upon feeling his breath on his face.

“You’ve been developing very nicely.” He whispered. “Don’t worry, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Nathan opened his eyes and sat up in his bed, shivering in the darkness with his face becoming wet with tears.

The pen on the other side of the table tapped constantly against the cold wood beneath it. With it, Natalie’s legs bounced, restless and anxious.

“So, Nathan.” The interviewer said. “Tell me about yourself.”

In the past, Natalie had never been one to struggle with that kind of question. She always aced it without a hitch.

Now, of course, things were very different.

“Well, my name is Nathan Parker.” Was that necessary or was she just saying that to remind herself? “I grew up in a quaint little town near the outskirts of Middletown, New York, and it was there where I had my education.” Natalie paused a while as she recalled a crucial detail she learned about Nathan’s life. “I was a boy scout for most of my childhood, all the way from Tiger Cub to Eagle.”

“Oh really?” The interviewer asked, intrigued.

“Yes.” Natalie nodded, relieved she remembered.

“Were you in the Order of the Arrow?”

Natalie was stumped. She had no idea what that was. Damnit, why did he have to ask that? She couldn’t have possibly memorized every last detail about Nathan’s experience in Boy Scouts. What was she supposed to say?

“No.” She replied with as much confidence as she could muster.

“Oh.” The interviewer said. “I asked that because my son is a Boy Scout, and he got inducted into the Order of the Arrow a few weeks ago. It’s pretty cool. Can you believe they’re trying to get rid of it? Something about cultural appropriation or whatever.” He chuckled at his own comment. “But, I’m getting off topic, sorry. Let’s get back to the interview. So, what was your eagle project?”

Now this, thankfully, Natalie had memorized. “I built a pretty large building on my school’s baseball field. It had a concession stand, storage room, and announcement room on the second floor. I have a picture if you want to see it.”

Natalie grabbed a photo from her folder and passed it to the interviewer.

“Huh.” He said. “It actually is two floors. Must’ve been a pretty ambitious project.”

“It was. Took a lot of time. Basically every weekend the start of my junior year was spent on it.”

“Was it hard work?”

“It was work.” Natalie answered. “Work in the hot sun, you know how that is.”

The interviewer nodded and passed back the photo. He said something afterward, but Natalie didn’t pay attention to it. She just focused on the photo again, reminiscing over something she didn’t even remember happening. In the center of it was a sixteen year old Nathan, along with some adult men and a few other boys she remembered from high school. The building behind them looked pretty impressive, and she couldn’t imagine how much time it took to put together. She tightened her grip on the photo. In her reality there wasn’t any two-story building overlooking her old high school’s baseball field. Obviously because Nathan was never there to build it, all thanks to the man whose teenage self stood beside him in the photo, wearing that stupid, stupid grin.

Natalie calmly exhaled as she stored the photo back into her folder. The interviewer finished talking about whatever it was they were talking about, and finally, they could continue the interview.

***

Natalie turned the car out of the parking lot without uttering a word.

Well, it could’ve been worse. At least she didn’t end up looking completely clueless. Aside from the moment where she had to admit that she, or Nathan rather, didn’t graduate college, she thought she did pretty well.

Natalie sighed and pulled out onto the main road. She took a last look to where she had just been, and didn’t even try to ignore the growing frustration within her.

That was the best place she could find for work. After a whole week of sending in applications, that was one of the only places that would accept her.

Home Depot, of all places.

She forced her head away and turned into the nearest exit.

***

She didn’t go back home immediately. She wanted to at first, but before she knew it, she found herself driving on the road cutting through her old high school.

From what she remembered in her reality, the whole place looked identical. It still had a small campus that could be entirely walked in ten minutes. It still had a track and football field that looked better and of higher quality than everything else around it. And the school itself was still a tiny, rough looking building completely unappealing to the eye. The same exact shithole she knew from her time there.

The only difference was the huge two-story building next to the baseball field.

Natalie pulled into the parking lot right next to it. With no one out yet for practice, she had a clear view of it.

It looked… very good.

Natalie picked up her photo of the project and put it up to the building.

Nathan had made a real, material benefit to the world from his existence. What the hell did she have?

***

When Natalie finally got back to her apartment, she went to the refrigerator and took a swig of her potion. She had been trying to conserve it the best she could, and it looked like she was doing alright. It had only been a little over a week since she got back, and it was still well over half full, probably over three quarters as well, enough for the next few weeks.

What would she do when it was done though? Not having those dreams every single night was a huge relief. It was about as nice as the taste of the potion itself, which actually did taste like cherry. Mostly like cherry lemonade, strangely enough. It was sweet, and more than anything else, it worked.

That whole week she had only a single memory recovered in a dream. And it wasn’t even a big one.

Didn’t mean it wasn’t an awkward one though.

***

“Nathan! Come out to the living room, I need your help.”

Nathan turned to his side at the sound of Astian’s voice. He had been cooped up in the bathroom for an hour after another massive dumping episode. Just like the last time, he swore his feces was full of bizarre colors. He didn’t want to actually check it out, because that would mean leaning down into a toilet filled with shit, so he tried to convince himself a second time that it was just the lighting.

If it weren’t for the fact that his hair looked even longer than it did yesterday, he would’ve been golden.

Nathan went out to the living room and saw Astian opening a large box on the couch.

“What did you order?” He asked.

“Nothing.” Astian answered. “This is one of my sister’s boxes. She told me it’s her clothes.”

Astian sliced the last of the tape off and opened the box. When he did, he stared at its inner contents blank and motionless.

“Well… those are definitely not her clothes.”

Nathan stepped forward and took a look inside. The box was full of pads and tampons.

“Did she send the wrong box?”

Astian stood back up and got out his phone.

“I’ll send her a text.” He said. “You go unload those into the bathroom cabinet.”

“What? Why?” Nathan asked, but Astian had already left the room.

Nathan turned back to the box, leaning down and laying his hands on its sides, examining its contents. He sighed and picked it up, taking it to the bathroom.

He didn’t know why Astian didn’t just return the box, but at the same time, if his sister had already packed it, then it probably wasn’t worth the trouble.

Then again, why would she pack them so early in the first place? It didn’t make sense.

None of this made sense.

As Nathan opened up the bathroom cabinet and loaded the sanitary products into it, that same, nagging sensation that something was very, very wrong reared its ugly head once again.

***

Sat down, his back against the fridge, Nathan looked at the potion in his hand.

He took another swig of it.

It was kind of funny that after two weeks of being in this body, Natalie still wasn’t used to everything. Sure, things like shaving her face were pretty easy to figure out, but things like the occasional erection still caught her off-guard and she had no idea what she was supposed to do about them.

When waking up with the dreaded morning wood wasn’t the most embarrassing part of the day, it was pretty bad.

She fought back a cringe as she walked out of the grocery store, recalling the moment in question.

***

Since the apartment was running out of food more quickly than Natalie thought, she decided to stop by the local stores. Having loaded most of what she needed into the cart, she decided to stop by the aisle with cleaning supplies to get some hand soap, which she had just realized that morning was nearly depleted.

Then she made her way toward the period product aisle, stopping right when she turned into it.

Oh, right.

Well now she just felt like an idiot.

She exited the aisle and hoped she didn’t look too much like a dumbass. She didn’t think she did a very good job.

***

Natalie unloaded all of the groceries into the trunk of her car, which she only just now appreciated being the exact same model from her reality. Who knew how far a little familiarity could go?

Turning on the car and exiting the parking lot, Natalie continued to obsess over all the little ways she was fucking up trying to be Nathan. For instance, the way she walked. Was she still walking like a woman, with the hip swaying and everything? She didn’t know, but the moment she thought of it she made a concerted effort to not do it, lest she humiliate herself for the umpteenth time.

That wasn’t all, she also learned the hard way that men were pretty fucking horny. Well, obviously she knew that from her fictional days as Natalie, but experiencing it first hand was a rude awakening. How often did she masturbate as Natalie? Couple times a month? As Nathan she was doing it basically every day. It was insane. Was it something about testosterone that caused it? How in the world did men deal with this?

She should really focus on driving, anything instead of this.

So for the next few minutes, she did, or tried to. She drove along the three lane freeway thinking of nothing but the road. When she saw the exit coming up on the right side, he flipped the turn signal and-

“Fuck!”

Nathan grabbed his head, moaning as if in pain.

Not now. Please, anytime but now. Not while he was driving.

He forced his focus back on the road and made the turn onto the exit just before he was about to miss it.

These switches might end up killing him.

For the past few days, the switches hadn’t stopped. If anything they’d become more frequent. And they could occur at literally any time, without any kind of pattern to follow. At random intervals, his memories of his life would suddenly switch from Natalie to Nathan and so on.

Was that normal? Considering how shit this situation has been, probably.

He hoped there was a way to fix it. There was no way anyone could live like this.

***

Nathan still hadn’t switched back by the time he got to the apartment. It was by far the longest he had ever been in control. And he did not like it at all. It should’ve been just like old times, before all this stuff about transformation and identity death.

Except it wasn’t.

Nathan quickly worked at unloading all the groceries in the fridge and cabinet, waiting for the inevitable switch to Natalie.

It never came.

Later on, Nathan found himself sitting on the couch, staring at the wall, trying to gauge the limits of his memories.

He sat down and tried to recall where Natalie had gone to college. He couldn’t do it. He assumed it was the same place he’d gone to, he couldn’t imagine their lives were that different, but he wasn’t able to know for sure.

Having so many fragmented memories like this was only going to get more and more confusing the longer it went on. He had to do something to soften the blow.

Natalie had gone far out of her way to learn so much about his life, maybe he should do the same. Maybe he should try and communicate with her.

So he took out a piece of paper and began writing.

“Hey Natalie, it’s Nathan. I was wondering what college you went to and if it was the same as mine. I’m very curious.”

And then he wrote the name of the college he went to.

He laid the paper down on the end table next to him, for Natalie when she eventually came back.

Not wanting to be in control any longer, Nathan laid his back on the couch and pulled down the covers. Sleeping usually helped with the switches, and the sooner Natalie was back the better.

She wasn’t one to mess things up.

***

The lights of the local nightclub blazed fiercely in the dark sky, just as they did every time the week had come to an end. The club was brimming with life, and full of party goers from all across town. For many young people, Saturday night was the time to be alive.

For people like Nathan, it was the time to lock yourself away. The bright lights and loud music were an immediate turn off for him, and even if he could get past that, he would never, for the life of him, be able to go up and actually talk to someone, let alone chat a woman up for a possible date. He was far too nervous for that, and nervousness was unfortunately a quality he’d had for his whole life.

When he was in eighth grade, a girl went up to him and said she liked him. She said she wanted to go out on a date with him.

Nathan proceeded to go to the bathroom and throw up because he was so nervous. And once word of that spread, he was the laughing stock of the school. Even in high school when that kind of teasing died down and he won some people over with his eagle project, that incident pretty much killed all his chances of getting a girlfriend. No girl would ever want to be with the guy who threw up when he was asked out. And honestly? He couldn’t blame them.

So Nathan was spending his Saturday night like he always did, playing a video game with some leftover slices of pizza and a cold bottle of wine. The only real difference was that this time he was taking it easy on the wine. Even after two weeks of not having drinken at all, he still didn’t feel like drinking a lot. Maybe that was why he was becoming skinnier.

Nathan leaned forward in his desk, recoiling when his chest brushed against the wooden corner.

“Ow.” He whispered.

The sensation made Nathan’s hand meet his nipple, feeling that it had become much more sensitive. It was painful in a way that was completely foreign to him.

Nathan slammed his hand hard into his desk, enough to make its contents shake. It had just then occurred to him that his chest, his nipples specifically, had been sore for the past day or so. Why he didn’t notice before, he had no idea. Probably because this was one of the more subtle indications that he had some kind of disease. God, what the fuck was wrong with him?

He paused the game and was about to go to the bathroom to inspect himself for what was likely the hundredth time that week, but he willed himself to turn away. No, he wasn’t going to do a repeat of that. He was fine, the doctors said so themselves. Or would have, if they had gotten his blood results.

Speaking of which, where were those results? Shouldn’t he have gotten a call back by now?

Well, to be fair, it was the weekend. He just had to wait a few more days and he’d get them back.

Nathan crossed his arms over his chest and stared straight down.

It was just a few more days.

His back hit the wall.

Just a few more-

“Nathan, you mind getting out of the way?”

Nathan looked up and saw Astian standing there, holding a box. Damn he was good at catching him off-guard.

“Sorry.” Nathan walked to the side. “What's in that?”

“My sister's clothes.” Astian answered. “Let's hope this time it actually is her clothes.”

He brought the box into Nathan's room and threw it on his bed. He took out his pocket knife and sliced away at the tape.

Nathan followed him back into the room, annoyed. “Why are you doing this in my room?”

“Because.” Astian began. “Your closet’s bigger than mine. I thought you could help me out and store these clothes here. Maybe even let her sleep here too.”

“She’s your sister, Astian. You’re the one allowing her to stay in this place.” Nathan responded. “If she should be sharing a room with anybody, it should be you.”

“Well look man, I've been pretty busy lately, and I promise this won't be for long. It's not like she needs to sleep here, she just needs some place to keep her stuff.”

“I'd really rather it not be in my room.”

“Then where would you put it?” Astian asked. “This apartment doesn’t exactly have many rooms.”

“I don’t know, put it in a closet or keep them in the box or something. Just not in my room.”

“My sister’s been going through a rough time, alright? Would it kill you to just work with me a bit?”

Nathan paused, taking a deep breath before possibly saying something very insensitive.

“Fine.” He replied. “But it better not be a lot.”

“It won’t, I promise.” Astian answered. “At the end it will still be your room, there’ll just be another person in it. You can handle that, right?”

Nathan looked on, refusing to answer as Astian finished slicing the tape.

“And would you look at that.” Astian reached into the open box and pulled out a skirt. “It actually is her clothes.”

Astian laid the skirt down on the bed, then got out a blouse and a pair of stockings to go with it.

“I don’t think we need to unpack this quite yet.” Astian said.

“What are you talking about? You were the one who put the box on my bed, you’re the one unpacking it.”

“Of course.” He said. “I’m just saying I don’t think we need to do it yet because, well I wanted to go out and have some dinner.”

“Since when do you do that?”

“Been doing it ever since I finished college. Right about the time when you shut yourself up in your apartment and hardly talked to anyone for two years.”

Nathan’s face flushed with guilt, and Astian kept a stern face focused right at him.

“Try to dress nicely.” Astian said. “And be ready quick, I set apart the whole night for this.”

Astian walked out of the room without even glancing at Nathan.

***

Twenty minutes passed before a disgruntled Nathan left the room, all dressed and ready. He wasn’t exactly excited, but he felt he should go out of obligation.

That stung, real bad.

After throwing the half-eaten pizza slices in the trash, Nathan made his way to the front door, seeing Astian right there waiting for him, wearing a nice striped button down shirt and jeans. He swore Astian was taller than usual, must have been his shoes or something. Astian also had a slight smile on his face, which was a bit confusing considering how intent he was on bringing Nathan down just a bit ago. What could he possibly be smiling at?

That’s when Nathan looked down and realized he was wearing the skirt Astian had put on the bed, along with the blouse and stockings.

His face went red immediately, embarrassed out of his mind. When did that get there? He distinctly remembered not putting it on, how did it-

“Well, we better not keep waiting.” Astian said, opening the front door. “Let’s go.”

Nathan stared confused at Astian. “Really? Aren’t you gonna like, say something about…”

“Say something about what?” Astian asked.

Bewildered, Nathan looked down, his mouth agape and his eyes narrowed. Astian was literally seeing his best friend decked out in a skirt right in front of him and he was acting as if there was nothing out of the ordinary.

“Nathan, you there?”

Nathan’s head jolted back up.

“Uhh… yeah, sorry.”

“Well then.” Astian said. “Let’s go.”

Nathan looked behind him at the apartment another time before deciding that Astian wasn’t going to let up and he should probably go along with him. He waited for Astian to leave the apartment for a few seconds before stupidly realizing that he was holding the door open for him. How thoughtful.

On the way to the car, Nathan’s entire body was shaking. Not due to the temperature but rather due to the fact that he was about to go in public in a fucking skirt. Everyone at this restaurant was about to see a man wearing women’s clothes. God, what the hell was he thinking? Or wasn’t thinking apparently, because somehow he’d put the skirt on without realizing it. Everyone was going to-

He felt a hand on his back.

“Stop worrying so much, you’re gonna make yourself sick.”

At that, Nathan suddenly felt calmer, almost as if he didn’t know why he was worried in the first place. Astian really knew how to make him feel better. Surely he’d be there to keep him safe if any trouble arose.

…Wait, what did he just?

Astian opened the passenger seat door, holding it so Nathan could enter the car. Again, how thoughtful of him. Astian revved up the engine and Nathan tried his best to forget about what he was wearing.

“Do you know how much the food is there?” Nathan asked as Astian pulled the car onto the road.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll pay for everything.”

“What? Really?” Nathan asked. “Even the tip?”

“Yes, everything. This was my idea. Just relax, okay?”

That was new, Astian had never just allowed him to not pay on any of their previous outings. He was really going out of his way to be nice here. It made Nathan feel a twinge of guilt, but also a bit touched. After two whole weeks of living in that apartment doing fuck all, Astian was still willing to take him out to places like this and pay for it all. He must really care about him to do all this. The edges of his lips curved into a smile.

***

When they finally got to the restaurant, Nathan didn’t have the time to leave the car before Astian had already gone over to open the passenger seat door for him.

Again, and Nathan couldn’t overstate it, how thoughtful of him.

With Astian acting like this, Nathan almost expected him to hold his hand.

The two walked in tandem with each other toward the restaurant, and Nathan found himself looking at Astian almost expectantly, but soon turned away.

Why did he actually expect…

A breeze hit Nathan’s legs and he was soon reminded of the fact that he was indeed wearing a skirt in public. With stockings. And a blouse. And as he took a very quick peek down his skirt, he confirmed that he had put on panties as well. The very same pink panties he accidentally bought at the store the other day had somehow ended up around his hips.

Dear god, what the hell was wrong with him?

When they got inside, to Nathan’s dismay, the place looked packed. There were a lot of people in line to get checked in, and he felt that same twinge of discomfort he always got in places where there were a lot of people.

And then it got a thousand times worse when he thought of his outfit.

If it weren’t for Astian putting his hand on his back again, Nathan would’ve passed out.

“Calm down, please.” Astian said. “I’ve got everything under control. I’m not gonna let you run into any trouble.”

Nathan felt himself calm down, but he was still pretty tense. How in the world was Astian going to do that?

He certainly wasn’t stopping all the people looking at him weird.

***

“Alright you two, here’s your food.” The waitress said with a smile on her face as she handed out the plates.

“Thank you.” Astian replied.

The waitress nodded and left the table. Once she was out of their earshot, or at least once she thought she was, Nathan heard her say “was that a guy or girl?”

He took a deep breath and gritted his teeth. It wasn’t the first time that night he’d heard someone make a comment like that. And that was one of the better ones, usually they were “yo, look at that fag in the dress” or “is that a tranny?” It was stuff like that that made him not want to stay in his room and not go out ever again.

“Nathan? You there?”

Nathan turned to face Astian, sat in front of him.

“Geez man, I’ve been trying to talk to you this whole time. You haven’t said a thing.” Astian said. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just a little…”

“A little what?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I can’t really say.” Nathan answered.

“Well, whenever you’re done thinking about that, I was hoping you’d like to hear that I got a stream box for your room. You know, so you don’t have to torrent things.”

“Oh, really?” Nathan asked. “Thanks, that’s… nice.”

“Yeah, have a streaming service with a lot of anime on it, which I know you like for some reason.”

Nathan rolled his eyes. “Alright, let’s not get into that.”

Astian chuckled. “Yes! I knew there was someone in there.”

Nathan managed a grin. “Okay, you got me, I’m here.” He raised his left hand. “But if you’re gonna knock on one of my interests, I’m gonna knock on one of yours. Most Call of Duty games are trash.”

Astian scoffed. “Look, I haven’t played those games since I was 17, alright?” He shot back. “And some of those games were really good.”

“They’re all pretty similar though aren’t they?”

“So are the games in a lot of franchises”

“Okay no, that’s just not true.” Nathan answered. “It’s not true at all.”

***

It felt good to reconnect with Astian and talk about the things they used to back in high school. It brought Nathan back to a time when the future was much brighter, back when he actually had potential, back before he screwed it all up.

He was having such a good time that at some point he actually forgot he was wearing a skirt. It just didn’t register to him anymore.

That was, until he had to go to the bathroom.

How was he supposed to go into the men’s bathroom looking like this? He’d get beaten to a pulp. At the very least he’d attract a lot of attention.

But, he really needed to go, so he gritted his teeth and just went in, prepared to deal with the consequences.

Thankfully though, nothing happened. No one else was even in there when he went in. He could just get to the toilet, get his business done and leave, which he did with no problem. The most that happened in there was someone giving him a funny look as he left, which he was very used to at this point.

When Nathan got back to the table, he noticed the tip left on it and took out his wallet to add to it. Even if Astian said he was paying for everything, it just felt wrong not to tip.

Astian took his card out of the scanner. “Well that’s everything. Let’s head out.”

“Wait, Astian.”

“Yes?”

Nathan stood in front of Astian, making sure all of him was in clear view. He couldn’t help it, he needed to see if Astian had some kind of reaction to his outfit.

Nathan motioned down his body. “What do you think of what I’m wearing?”

“You look fine.”

Nathan made a faint hum in annoyance. “What about the skirt, do you like that?”

“Yes, it’s lovely.” Astian answered.

What a bizarre response. Nathan wondered if something at work was frying Astian’s brain. It’d make a lot of sense.

“Come on, bud. Let’s leave.”

Nathan followed Astian out of the building and tried to forget about how weird Astian was acting, instead choosing to focus on the positives. Like how Astian and him had a real conversation during the meal. When was the last time they had talked like that? And when was the last time Nathan went to a restaurant like this? It had been far too long.

Nathan spent the entire drive home in a state of bliss. By the time they’d gotten back to the apartment, he had a permanent smile etched on his face. And that smile stayed on him as he was taking a shower.

It was only when he was getting out of the shower that he came upon a realization that made him stop dead in his tracks.

Was that night… a date?

No, that would be ridiculous. Astian wasn’t gay, he wasn’t about to date his best friend that he’s accidentally seen the penis of in a locker room. That wasn’t happening. He was just being nice.

And holding the door open for him.

And paying for the entire night.

And complimenting his looks.

And not finding it at all out of place that his best friend was wearing a skirt in public with him…

That wasn’t even counting the weird things that turned up in Nathan’s head from time to time. And the fact that Nathan was second guessing whether Astian had said “bud” or “love” once they left the restaurant. It was almost like they were-

“No, no. Stop it.” Nathan admonished himself. “We’ve been over this. Don’t start getting paranoid at every minute thing again. Everything is fine.”

Nathan jumped onto his bed, staring up at the dark ceiling and sighing.

It sure didn’t feel fine though.

***

Natalie was beyond groggy and disoriented when her eyes began to open. Mid-day naps, always good before the fact, never good after. It’s a horrible experience waking up from them, especially when-

Natalie jumped up from the covers, feeling a cold sweat run through her.

Another one? That was the second one this week! Was the potion even working?

She rubbed her hands through her face in exhaustion, her annoyance being doubled by the instantaneous ring of the telephone.

“Who the hell could that possibly be?” Natalie grumbled, grabbing the phone. “Hello?”

“Is this Nathan Parker?” The voice on the other end asked.

“Yes, what do you want?”

“I’m calling from Home Depot. Wanted to let you know you got the job.”

Securing the top button on her shirt, Natalie examined herself in the mirror, managing a smile at the sight of her face.

She was right, Nathan could look good, provided he looked after his appearance. With his hair brushed like this and his facial hair more neatly managed, he was quite handsome. He didn’t even look chubby with this shirt on.

Natalie’s smile soon dropped as her hands fell to her sides.

Her first day at the new job. She could only hope it was enough to pay for the apartment. Working retail was absolutely not ideal, and not remotely close to where she wanted to be, but she was going to have to suck it up and deal with it.

She went to the end table to grab her phone, her hand touching a sticky note on the way.

Oh right, she forgot about this.

She picked up the note and read it, tilting her head in curiosity.

So Nathan had gone to the same college as her. That was neat.

She took a pen and wrote “yes, it was the same” under Nathan’s writing, taking note of just how different their handwriting styles were. Nathan’s letters were much sharper and pointier, while hers were more round and bubbly.

Natalie raised the pen to her mouth and contemplated what to write to Nathan. There were so many things she’d like to know, she just couldn’t put her finger on what. She thought of asking how he met Astian, because for all she knew it could’ve been completely different to how she met him. In fact, it probably was, considering the first time her and Astian really talked to each other was when he “saved” her from a boy trying to prank her by cutting her hair in the fifth grade. From there they became… kind of like acquaintances for the rest of their school career before they began dating the summer after they graduated college. Then they moved here, where they lived happily ever after for a couple years before Astian got arrested.

There was no way any of that happened in Nathan’s reality, which by extension meant it didn’t happen at all. Just going through the story in her head was enough to make her cringe. Was Astian’s idea of “charming boyfriend” really making up a scenario about him as a 10 year old saving the 10 year old female version of his best friend from some immature, childish prank? It was seriously pathetic.

That wasn’t even getting into how she remembered her relationship with Astian starting in the first place, but the less said about that the better. Lord, with what she knew about him now, she hadn’t even considered that he’d made up…

Natalie noticed the sticky note she was holding had been ripped up in her anger.

Her face fell. “Oh god…” Her eyes stained with the formation of tears. She didn’t mean to rip it up.

“I’m sorry Nathan.” She choked out. “I’m sorry.”

***

Natalie still had hints of red in her eyes as she pulled into the Home Depot parking lot. Despite her efforts, the guilt and shame had remained alive in her mind for the entire car ride.

Nathan had really tried to reach out to her and she returned the favor by ripping that note up. She was a real piece of shit.

She looked at her face in the front view mirror for the last time, wiping her eyes as well as she could before exiting the car, ready to get her first day on this job over with as quickly as possible.

***

Here she finally was, all decked out in her new uniform, in the paint department. Already, on her first day, she was filling store shelves with paint.

This was something she couldn’t possibly fuck up.

It was nice that being a man entailed quite a bit of strength to make hauling the paint around easier, but it wasn’t so nice that Nathan wasn’t all that strong for a man, so some of the buckets still took a bit out of her.

On the plus side there was one other person with her. It was a woman who looked about the same age as Natalie, maybe two or three years younger. According to her name tag, she was Kira.

Kira seemed a little avoidant of her, and it looked like she was only going to talk to her if it was absolutely necessary. It took a while before Natalie finally realized what was going on.

She hadn’t noticed it before in her past two and a half weeks living as Nathan, but women had a subtle guarded attitude while around her. And she was only able to pick up on it because they were doing exactly what she used to do when she was in their position. Well, not really in their position because that was all fake but regardless.

She understood why they did it, and it wasn’t like she could blame them. With so many men like Astian in the world it was hard for a woman to not be diligent. Everyday situations always had the chance of becoming very dangerous. You needed to keep your eye out at all times.

Of course, in Natalie’s case, she remembered not having to do that for a few years, because Astian would always be there to protect her. No bad men would ever approach her with him by her side. So long as Astian was there, she was safe and secure.

The thought of that made her want to vomit.

She really needed to stop thinking about Astian, it wasn’t healthy.

Either way, despite the fact that employees were probably supposed to talk to each other and cooperate, Natalie didn’t have it in her to go up to her and strike up a conversation, even one about their job. Kira returned the favor. Her whole demeanor was a mix of that diligence along with boredom.

Natalie had never considered what it would be like to be on the other side of that dynamic. To be the one who women were extremely cautious around.

It felt… awful.

When Natalie’s shift was over and she left the building, she hadn’t spoken to Kira once.

***

The first thing Natalie did when she got back to the apartment was go to the bathroom. Apparently she couldn’t even do that in peace because the instant she sat down on the toilet a switch occurred.

Was this really the best time? Was he allowed to go just one day without having to deal with this?

While Nathan was sitting there, he figured he might as well take this opportunity to see how far these switches could go and what would be retained between them. As he really thought back on his time as Natalie, he realized he had the ability to recall all of what she had been thinking about, but not the full details of those thoughts. Any memories of her life that she hadn’t actively been going over in her mind he had no recollection of. And even for the ones she had, his knowledge of those events was limited.

As for more general, common experiences, he could recall most of them. He knew the experiences of things like menstruation, as well as sensations such as having breasts and making love as a…

He cringed, the fact that he kind of knew what it was like to have sex with Astian was what he had the hardest time accepting.

Everything Natalie did while in control, he could remember. He remembered her going to work at Home Depot for the first time, being with a woman named Kira, who she didn’t talk to, and he even remembered her writing that she did go to the same college as him on the sticky note.

He also remembered her accidentally tearing up the sticky note and feeling very guilty about it, which in turn made him feel guilty. He was not anyone worth feeling guilty over.

He even remembered the thing causing Natalie to become upset, how she started dating Astian in her timeline. But he didn’t remember what that event was.

What happened? He felt like he needed to know. Would Natalie be okay with telling him?

Wait, what was he thinking? He was Natalie! The only thing happening during these switches, as far as he knew, were his memories changing. Perhaps some personality traits as well, but he had no reason to believe it went further than that. Natalie and him were the same person.

So why was he still referring to her as if she was someone else?

Nathan grabbed his head, feeling the ache coming on. He couldn’t take this. He needed something to drink or else he’d go insane.

The second he left the bathroom he bolted to the refrigerator. His hand passed the half empty potion and grabbed the vodka bottle, which he took a large swig out of. He laid the bottle down with a harsh thud that shook the whole fridge. Slamming the door shut, he ran up to his room to find something to watch.

Only to remember that in this reality, there was no stream box in his bedroom.

He collapsed on his bed, face down in exhaustion. If he wasn’t such a screw up, if he actually had a handle on his life, he never would’ve gotten fired and never would’ve had to live in this apartment. He never would’ve roomed with Astian, and Astian never would’ve done the spell. Whatever Natalie had to experience when she first started dating Astian was all his fault.

“I’m sorry Natalie.” He said as he began to tear up. “I’m sorry.”

Soon he came to a point where he was so tired and deflated that he fell asleep. This time, when he looked to his side, the man at the window was even more transparent.

Nathan wondered if he’d ever get to a point where he wouldn’t be able to see him.

The thought of that scared him.

***

“Astian, I’m being serious. Is there something wrong with me?”

Astian almost rolled his eyes at the question. “Nathan, you worry way too much. I don’t see anything wrong with you.”

“You don’t?” Nathan asked. “You don’t think I’ve been acting weird, wearing weird stuff, looking weird?”

“No, you’re fine.” Astian answered.

“Are you sure? I swear I’m getting shorter.”

“It’s in your imagination. Aren’t you dieting anyway?”

“What?”

“I mean, I haven’t seen you drink in a while, so I assumed you were dieting too.”

Nathan thought back to the past two weeks living here, specifically to the food he was eating. He couldn’t really call it healthy, but he did seem to be eating less. And if he was getting skinnier, it only made sense that he’d get a bit shorter as well, right?

“I kind of am, but-”

“You’re just not used to changing your diet, that’s all.” Astian told him. “I don’t think you’re acting any differently than you used to. You’re just going through a hard time, it’ll mess with your head.”

Nathan scoffed. “You think?”

“I don’t think, I know.” Astian replied. “I take it the job search isn’t going well?”

“What do you think?” Nathan said, irked. “No one’s called me back yet. All the applications I’ve been sending are for nothing. It’s been over two weeks. It’s ridiculous.”

“Well, just keep trying.” Astian said. “You’ll get there eventually.”

“Yeah, it’s real easy to say that, isn’t it?” Nathan said a bit derisively. “There’s nothing at stake in it for you.”

“I’m just trying to help you. You could try to be a little understanding.”

Nathan sighed. “I know, I’m just so stressed.”

“Take it easy.” Astian said. “Relax, and things will get better, I promise.”

Nathan left the room after that, feeling underwhelmed. He had hoped Astian would give him something substantial, but instead he gave the exact same answers that were becoming all too common as of late.

“You’re fine.”

Was he right? Nathan hoped so, but he also knew better than that. He had basically gone on a date with Astian a few days ago, even wore a fucking skirt to it. Things were not “fine”.

Nathan locked himself in his room and stared at himself in the mirror. It seemed like every day he noticed something different.

This time, it was at least three things.

First, he saw that his hair now touched the bottom of his neck, and second, he saw that his face looked… different. He had a hard time describing it, there was just something off about it upon close inspection. Maybe he looked younger? Was that what it was? He had no idea. For all he knew it could’ve been changing for a while, this was just the first time he noticed it.

The third thing was that his nipples hadn’t stopped being sore. If anything, they’d only gotten more sore, and when he lifted up his shirt to check them, he could see that they were swelling. There was also a bit of puff to them that wasn’t there before.

Did he have breast cancer? Could men get breast cancer? What else could that possibly mean?

With all this in mind, the idea that he was getting shorter became much more plausible.

The worst part was that he still hadn’t heard back from the doctors. He had no idea what his blood results were.

This was just going to keep happening. He didn’t want to believe that, but what else could he possibly believe with shit like this every single day?

It was just going to keep happening. Every morning he would wake up to be met with some change having been made to him. Whether it be his body, his tastes, or most terrifying of all his behavior, it was going to continue.

Astian would never react to anything happening, and doctors wouldn’t react either. Nathan would have no way to combat the changes, they’d just keep piling on and escalating.

It’s just going to keep happening.

The room turned dark and Nathan felt his body slowly fall down.

It’s just going to keep happening.

Nathan’s back hit the soft mattress below him.

It’s just going to keep happening.

Natalie’s eyes were open wide in the dark night, her body laying down and not moving an inch for what felt like hours.

It’s just going to keep happening.

Slowly, she turned to her side, seeing the computer in the room, as well as the headphone and microphone set. She rose from the bed and sat down at her desk, logging into the computer and clicking an app to record her voice.

It’s just going to keep happening. And since it will, there’s no point in putting anything off.

Nathan had to know it wasn’t his fault.

“Hi Nathan. I don't know whether you’re a different person or just another side of me, it's really hard to comprehend. I know you’re feeling the same way about this.

The first thing I should say is that I don't think I can say enough times that I'm sorry about the sticky note. That was a really shitty thing to do, and I just… I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry.

I know you wanted to hear about how Astian and I started dating, according to my memories, and I guess since we’re basically the same person, or are the same person, I should probably tell you. I’m also curious about how you first met Astian. I know you went to boy scouts with him, but I’d like to know a little more.

Anyway, I wasn’t really friends with Astian in middle or high school. We’d both gone to the same school district since kindergarten, but we never really talked to each other until what happened in fifth grade, which I don’t think I need to repeat because I remember you remembering that incident when I was still you.

My god, that was a trip to say, am I really just talking to myself? This is so weird. Um, getting back on topic, after fifth grade I guess you could say Astian and I were like acquaintances, but that might be pushing it. Uh, after we graduated we went to college in the same state, but our colleges were like two hours apart, so we didn’t really see each other.

I don’t know why Astian would erase me and him being best friends… or you and him I mean. Maybe he thought a boy and a girl being best friends during school wouldn’t make sense? That’s the only thing I can think of. I don’t know, it’s probably for the best if we don’t try to make sense of what was going on in that man’s head.

Either way, it all started the summer after we both graduated college. I went to a bar by myself one night, and it was fine. Nothing much happened. That was, until I was leaving.

So… you know how me and Astian first started talking to each other after he ‘saved’ me from some boy trying to cut my hair when we were 10? Well, apparently he really liked the idea of call backs, because he used the same idea for us to get together.

Except, this time he increased the steaks. This time it was a group of guys in all black pinning me to a wall, putting a knife up to my neck, and demanding I give them all my money.

I was terrified. In my head, I was going over everything that they could do to me. They could kill me, they could rape me, they could… blackmail me by threatening my friends or family, I had no idea what they had planned. I tried to cooperate as much as possible. I gave them my wallet and hoped for the best, they’d just take it and let me go.

…They didn’t let me go.

They kept the knife on my neck. I don’t know what more they wanted from me. So I closed my eyes and prayed that whatever they wanted to do they’d get done fast.

After a while though, I was let go. The person holding me down just went away. At least I thought they did. I heard some yelling, but I didn’t know what it was about until I turned around and saw someone attacking the muggers.

It was Astian, I recognized him. And I was shocked. I never expected that I’d see him again, but there he was, and he was saving me.

He was able to take all of them down, but after the fight was over he had suffered some serious stab wounds and needed to be taken to the hospital immediately. I called 911 and soon the paramedics got him to the ambulance. One of them called me over and handed me my wallet, which Astian said he wanted me to have. I thanked him

He’d risked his life for me, and saved me from whatever those men had planned, so I had to drive to the hospital the next day to see if he was okay. The doctors said he was recovering well, and a couple days later I even saw him in his hospital room. I thanked him for everything, and he just smiled and said, ‘that’s what good men do’.

That event kick started us seeing each other more, and soon we went on a date. He took me back to his apartment, which he had first moved into very recently, and… well we had sex. A lot of it.

I decided right then that I was going to start dating him, and I also decided that I needed to live with him. So I finally moved out of my parents’ house and settled in with Astian.

…I remember, every time I was with him, I felt safe. He would protect me, always. I was never in danger whenever he was around. After all, he did save me from some guys who pulled knives on me, how could I not feel safe with him?

And then, well, you know the rest. When I’m you it’s the things that happened before the transformation that I don’t know. You know how the story ends. Astian gets arrested and you get told your entire life was a lie. Astian made everything up.

And you know that, in the shock of it all, you don’t fully consider what that means. It’s not until much later when you finally realize that the way you two started dating was made up too. Astian specifically made up a scenario in which you were put in danger, where your life was threatened, where you could’ve possibly been raped, all to feed his ego and make himself look like a hero. He cared about the power fantasy more than he cared about you.

‘That’s what good men do’, fucking bite me.

The hardest thing to accept in all of this is that I only exist because of him. The only reason I’m here is because he killed you to make me.

If there’s just one thing you take away from this, please let it be this. It’s not your fault, Nathan. It’s not your fault what was done to you. Please don’t believe it was your fault. Astian was the one who did the spell, not you. And yes, that spell was done to you. I’m just the thing that came out of that. There’s nothing real or authentic about me.

When I see that eagle project of yours, I see something real. I see something that exists and has a real, tangible benefit to the world. When I see me, and everything I’ve done in my life, it’s all a bunch of fake stuff that didn’t benefit anyone. I’m not really that noteworthy and I’m working an office job. What do I have to show for myself?

…

“You know, it’s kind of funny when you grow up being told ‘you can’t let your life revolve around a man’ and ‘you can’t let yourself be defined through a man’. ‘You gotta stand up for yourself’, ‘you gotta be independent’. ‘When you’re a woman the world will try twice as hard to knock you down and you gotta be prepared to get back up’.

I remember my mom giving me talks like that a lot. She was one of those moms that liked to emphasize ‘girl power’ and all that. And I tried to follow that advice as best I could. For so long, I thought I was doing a good job.

Then I learn that my entire life was created by a man, that I was created for the pleasure of a man, that everything about me was a man’s doing. All my little quirks are him, not me. A man’s very own toy he crafted himself and can play with at any time. It’s… well, it’s… funny.

It’s very funny.”

Nathan heard the recording abruptly stop, with Natalie sounding like she was just barely holding it together. He remembered that pain exactly how she felt it. Because he experienced it too.

He had forgotten about Natalie’s past, but he remembered the hurt down to his bones. He didn’t need to watch the video to know that. In fact, he didn’t even need to watch the video at all to know anything said during it. He remembered it all very clearly. He couldn’t remember the memories happening to him, nor could he visualize them in his mind. But he knew what happened. He’d never forget what she said.

Nathan brought his cursor down to create a sticky note and began typing his message.

“Hi, Natalie. I don’t know if I’m just talking to myself either, but I heard you wanted me to tell you how Astian and I met. There isn’t much to say about it truthfully. We first started talking to each other in fifth grade because we both liked video games and were in Boy Scouts. We hung out a lot and soon we were best friends. That’s kind of it. It’s not a very interesting story, I know, but I never had an interesting life anyway. Before this transformation everything was pretty boring. I was pretty boring.”

Nathan saw small slivers of sunlight peeking up the horizon. The turn of the day was coming and with it, another shift. He decided this was the time to get up and out of bed, if only to get in the habit of not waking up extremely late.

He was about to leave the room before he looked back to the computer and saw the note on the screen. He read for what was likely the sixth time.

Then he went back to it and added something.

“You’re real, Natalie.”

He turned away and left the room.

It was another thrilling day of mixing paint. Natalie began her shift trying to avoid getting paint on herself but eventually she realized she was wasting her time and shouldn’t even bother. You can’t go to a paint job and not expect to get a little messy.

Kira and her still hadn’t talked yet, which was a shame because Kira seemed like a very nice lady. Good looking too, Natalie usually didn’t like unnatural hair colors but Kira made it work. Her violet hair somehow didn’t look out of place with a Home Depot uniform on. How did she manage that?

“Umm, Sir?”

Natalie jumped upon hearing that voice. She had gotten so lost in her own world. The voice also sounded very familiar. It almost sounded like…

Ashley’s voice.

Natalie turned toward the voice and was stunned to see Ashley right there in front of her.

“I was wondering if there were any soft yellows here, I can’t find any.”

Natalie just stared at Ashley, wide eyed and amazed.

She was… real.

“Sir?” Ashley asked.

Natalie shook herself out of her daze. “Sorry, all the soft yellows are out of stock. We could mix a soft yellow for you.”

“No, that’s fine.” Ashley answered. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Natalie said back. “What’s your name?” She asked before cringing.

Ashley gave her a confused look. “Umm… Ashley.” She paused for a second. “Have a good day.”

She turned and walked away as Natalie tried to cover her face in embarrassment. “What’s your name? Seriously?” She thought to herself. Did she not remember that Ashley didn’t know her in this reality? What was she planning on doing with that information anyway?

Natalie heard someone quietly laughing off to the side. She looked toward the source of the noise and saw Kira.

“Is something funny?” Natalie asked her.

“No, sorry.” Kira answered. “I was just being dumb.”

“You were being dumb.” Natalie scoffed. “No, you were watching someone being dumb.”

“It’s not a bad thing to ask someone what their name is.”

“She was a customer.” Natalie explained.

“So?” Kira asked. “What’s the problem?”

“It’s just a little embarrassing. I’m not supposed to do that.”

“And people aren’t ‘supposed’ to work at Home Depot. It was a perfectly fine thing to ask.”

“Alright, fine.” Natalie’s face turned into a smirk. “What’s your name?”

Kira smirked along with her. “It’s Kira, thank you very much. And your’s?”

“Nathan.” Natalie answered. She snickered. “This is so dumb.”

“Well, maybe we need a little stupidity in our lives. This job is really fucking boring.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Kira nodded and after a bit of silence, she began walking away. Natalie was thinking of going up to her and asking for her phone number, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

***

It was a good thing Nathan was starting to get used to these sudden switches, or else he probably would’ve caused an accident on the way back.

Inside his apartment, Nathan was spending the rest of his day doing his usual activities, or at least what used to be his usual activities. Sitting on a chair, eating a takeout pizza, and drinking red wine.

He hoped Natalie wouldn’t mind. He just wanted some comfort. It’s been a long time since he’s done this. And this pizza even had basil leaves on it. There wasn’t another pizza place anywhere near him that did that.

While watching a show on the TV, he heard his phone vibrate in his pocket and took it out, annoyed by the disturbance.

It was a text from his sister.

“Are you gonna visit us soon? We haven’t seen you in so long.”

He stared at his phone screen for about a minute, unable to come up with a response.

Another text came.

“We miss you.”

He sighed. “I know Kate, I miss you too.” He typed.

A third message quickly followed.

“Promise you won’t drink so much tonight?”

Nathan felt his heart stop upon reading that. He slowly turned his head toward the bottle of red wine resting on a small cabinet to his left. It was half empty at this point, it hadn’t even been ten minutes since he started drinking it.

He blinked and stared at the bottle, snapping out of his relaxed state. He turned back to his phone and promptly sent Kate another text. “I won’t, I promise.” He paused. “I love you.” He typed out.

He saw Kate quickly text “I love you too” back to him and put the phone back into his pocket. He turned off the TV and took the bottle of red wine back to the refrigerator, placing it right next to the potion. He slammed the door shut.

Then he threw the phone straight toward the nearest wall.

“Fuck me.” He mumbled quietly, looking at the dent the phone had created.

His back hit the wall and he slid to the ground, hitting the floor.

What in the world was he doing? Drinking again? What the hell did he think was going to happen? He didn’t have any control over himself, he’d just get shitfaced again and wake up with another horrible hangover as his liver got more fucked up than it probably already was. Why was it so hard for him to just, for once, think of someone other than himself and not fucking drink like he was going to die the next day?

“But I was going to control myself this time.” A part of his mind protested. “Just a little bit, that’s all.”

Yeah, that’s what he said last time too. For some mysterious reason, it didn’t work out.

He looked down at his shirt and smelled it. He cringed. He even smelled like alcohol, an all too common scent on him, and not just because he drank so much, but also because he very frequently spilled some of his drink on his clothes.

He laughed bitterly. He had only come back very recently and it did not take long at all for him to fall back onto his old, terrible habits. A night of getting so drunk he’d throw up was just something he had to share with Natalie.

…Shit, Natalie.

He lifted a hand to his forehead and immediately got dizzy. He quickly walked over to a couch and fell onto it, the cushions hitting his back. All the while his hand remained on his head.

It wasn’t bad enough that he hadn’t considered the feelings of his family. He hadn’t considered the feelings of Natalie either.

That same part of his mind from earlier protested again. “Natalie is twenty-four years old too, you know. She’s probably had a bad hangover before.”

That made sense. So much sense it almost made him forget how bad of an excuse it was. He wasn’t really trying to justify subjecting the person he shared his body and experiences with to his alcoholism was he?

Wait, no, he needed to get himself out of that mindset. Natalie and him were not different people, they were both part of the same consciousness. He was Natalie, and Natalie was him. The only difference was that sometimes he had his male memories and sometimes he had his female memories. Other than that, they were the same.

And they should be the same.

Nathan closed his eyes and tried to focus on himself being Natalie. How he had felt the short time he was living as her. All those scary thoughts he wanted to push away at first, he welcomed. Living as a woman, enjoying living as a woman, having sex as a woman, having breasts, having a vagina, having periods, he tried so hard to pull those experiences closer to him.

He actually felt his mind grow strained as his recollection of life as Natalie went from near empty to vaguely recognizable. Yes! It was working! He just needed to try harder. He pulled on these faint memories even more, and as he did he felt more of them come back stronger and stronger. He was exhausted but he didn’t care. He was doing it! He was making things the way they were supposed to be.

Nathan couldn’t do this without Natalie’s memories. He needed her, she was a much, much better person than he was.

Suddenly, all those memories escaped his reach and began fading away again. He panicked and strained his mind hard to get them back, but they didn’t budge an inch. Breathing heavily, he tried to concentrate on nothing except his life as Natalie, to think of literally nothing else, but obviously, it didn’t work. No one had that level of control over their mind.

Nathan’s eyes slowly opened back up, his heart rate and breathing as fast and as heavy as ever. He found he was sweating too, and he reached his hand up to wipe his forehead.

He was so close.

A tear fell from Nathan’s eyes. Once again, he couldn’t do a single thing right. Everytime he was in control of his life he messed it up like the drunk piece of shit coward he was. He drove everyone in his life away and became a lost cause before he was even in his late twenties. Every bad thing that happened to him was his fault, and he deserved it. He deserved all of it. He was a disgusting fucking college drop-out slob wasting around in an apartment by himself all day. He deserved everything Astian did to him. The only thing Astian did wrong was not fully erasing Nathan from existence.

He should’ve fucking died when-

Natalie suddenly saw herself standing up from the couch. She was massively disorientated, and had a pounding headache, but she tried her best to ignore it. She wanted to go to bed to sleep the miserable night off, but quickly found she couldn’t move her body an inch. She was frozen in place. Come to think of it, the couch she was just sitting on wasn’t behind her anymore. Where did it go?

At some point, she felt her body stumbling around the place completely out of her control. She wasn’t moving it, it was doing it all on its own. To make matters worse, she saw the apartment she was in was very different from her’s. It wasn’t remotely the same set up. What had happened? Where was she?

Her body walked into the kitchen of the apartment and her eyes caught a calendar on one of the walls. Her heart sank upon seeing it. She instantly recognized the month and year from the trial, just four months before Nathan got fired and had to move in with Astian.

Oh god.

Natalie felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. Her hand, still moving on its own, went to grab it.

“Hello?” She asked.

“Nathan!” Her little sister, Kate, exclaimed on the other end. “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours.”

“Yeah, yeah sorry about that.” Natalie responded. “I’ve been uh… busy from stuff.”

“So busy you can’t see us?”

“No, I didn’t mean that I…”

“Oh my god, Nathan.” Kate interrupted. “Are you drunk?”

“What? Of course not.” Natalie tried to reassure her.

“You are drunk!” Kate shot back. “Why are you drinking? You promised you’d stop.”

“I- I know I did, I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“Yeah, that’s what you said last time too.”

“Kate, listen to me. I’ll really try this time, I’ll even stop by to visit.”

“You also said that last time. You didn’t visit us. It was Christmas and you didn’t visit.”

“I…” Natalie was at a loss for words.

“Mom and Dad have been worried sick about you. We all have. How long are you gonna keep doing this?”

“Kate, I didn’t mean to-”

“You never mean to, Nathan. But somehow it always happens.”

Natalie went quiet.

“How many people do you even talk to?”

Natalie remained unresponsive.

“Goodbye Nathan.” Kate said.

The call ended, before Natalie even had the chance to say goodbye back.

She slowly brought the phone down as her back hit the wall. Sliding down to the floor, she looked at her face through the black screen of her phone, seeing firsthand just how rough and dirty it was. Greasy skin that stunk of alcohol paired with a beard that wasn’t even big but still looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in months. She was a real wreck.

Had Kate been too harsh on the phone? She seemed particularly derisive that night, but at the same time, maybe she was right to be angry. She was dealing with a man who dropped out of college to pursue a dead end career and an alcohol addiction. A man who never came over to visit and rarely checked in with them. Hell, if she was her she’d be pissed too.

What was that Kate was saying about her not talking to anyone? That couldn’t have been right, she talked to plenty of people. There was…

Natalie was stumped. She tried racking her brain for anyone she might have had a real conversation with. She couldn’t think of anyone.

Well… there was at least Astian. They still talked a bit. But at this point, Natalie barely knew anything about him or what he was doing with his life. Where did he work? Who were his friends? Was he seeing anyone? She didn’t have a clue.

It’s not like she wasn’t trying to talk to people. Okay, most of the time she wasn’t trying, but she did sometimes. It was just that she was really bad at sounding like a person someone would want to talk to. She was bad at starting conversations and worse at maintaining them. She hardly even talked to her coworkers. It was like they didn’t know her.

Plus, the mere thought of talking to other people made her extremely nervous. It wasn’t normal for her, it took effort that most people didn’t have to do.

In a fit of rage, Natalie threw her phone against the wall.

And yet, despite all of her problems, her parents and sister still believed in her enough to worry about her.

Natalie stood up, ignoring the oncoming headache, and walked to the window and watched the rain pour down from the night sky.

They shouldn’t.

***

Natalie stumbled out of her apartment holding a half empty wine bottle. She took a swig of it then clumsily stepped out into the cold rain. The shock of the rain hitting her skin made her trip and almost fall face first into pavement, but she caught herself just in time.

Seeing the unbroken wine bottle in her right hand, she realized just how lucky she was. That could’ve easily broken and caused shards to cut into her organs. She could’ve killed herself right there!

She slowly stood up and tossed the wine bottle into the nearest trash can. Staring to her left, she saw the park situated a little down the road from her apartment. It was sure to be empty by now. She did her best to walk to the bench standing in front of it, though keeping focus on her task wasn‘t easy. She was so shitfaced most of her thoughts were jumbled nonsense. And the rain was cold. So, so cold.

She eventually made it close to the bench, and when she could see it clearly she quickly began running. A big mistake, as she immediately tripped and fell face first into a large puddle in the grass.

Now entirely wet, she raised her head up, and looked forward to the bench. She was about to stand up until she felt her stomach groan and her mouth salivate.

“Oh god.” She whispered.

Suddenly, she vomited into the puddle. She couldn’t tell what color it was or how thick it was, and she was happy she couldn’t. The cold rain constantly hitting her skin only made her forceful gagging even worse. At some point she wasn’t sure if she was vomiting because she was drunk or because she was cold.

When she was finally done, she rolled over onto a relatively dry part of the grass, using her hands to hold her stomach and block the rain from her eyes.

What the hell was she doing out here? What was she planning on doing when she got here? Why did she want to get to the bench? Whatever the answers were for these questions, she didn’t know.

God, the grass was so cold.

She looked up to the bench and saw how wet it was. It looked about as drenched as her clothes. Would it even be that much better to lay on?

She needed to get back inside and find some warm clothes, fast.

She raised her head with her elbows and bent her knees upward. She was halfway through pushing herself up when she stopped.

Go back inside and get in warm clothes for what? So she could continue to burden her family by making them constantly worry about some miserable drunk asshole? Every single time she promised them she would get better, she failed. In every sense of the term, she was a let-down, putting a ton of work onto her family that she knew she would never be able to handle herself.

How cold was it? A couple degrees above freezing? She remembered reading that it was forty-something on her phone.

She let her head fall back down onto the grass, not bothering to care about the pain resulting from it. She took out her right hand from her stomach and opened its palm, catching the rain drops as they fell. It didn’t take long for it to become soaked, as it was raining very, very hard.

However cold it was, it was cold enough.

She knew the reason why she came out here, she needed to admit it to herself.

This was something she should’ve gotten done a long time ago. She wished she would’ve done it earlier, back in her college years even, so she wouldn’t have to see the mess she’d turn into.

Better late than never, though.

She had made up her mind. Tonight was the night she was going to do it. She imagined herself doing this on so many days before, even going so far as to make a plan for how and when she would do it. But it never ended up happening, either out of fear or lack of willpower.

She just couldn’t do it.

This was different. Getting back to her apartment would be very hard, and she was ensuring that she wouldn’t be able to do it.

She was finally doing it for real.

She shivered as more and more rain hit her body and she felt herself get colder. She didn’t know how long it would take. Her hope was that she could just fall asleep and that would be it.

That hope died when she had to throw up again.

This time was even more forceful than the last. Her body was clearly not liking what it was being put through.

She’d never been so cold before.

She waited for the point when her vision started going black, but it never came. No, her body wanted to wait and make her suffer more.

So this was how she was going to die, slowly and painfully.

Frankly, it was what she deserved.

***

Some time during the night, Natalie was finally made unconscious. She didn’t remember when it happened or what exactly she was feeling before it, all she knew is that once she woke up, she wasn’t hurting anymore. Everything was numb at this point. She tried moving her hands and legs, but found she was too weak to get up.

At that, a switch flipped inside her head.

What the hell was she doing? She didn’t want to die!

She tried standing up again, in a panic this time, but it still wasn’t working. Soon, she felt her vision begin fading to black.

Oh god, was she actually going to die? She wasn’t ready to, she still had so much that she wanted to do. “Please don’t die, please don’t die”, she begged to herself.

The last thing she saw before blacking out again was herself being carried off by some figure and a ton of lights shining nearby. She couldn’t tell what they were saying, but they looked scared.

***

The next time she awoke, Natalie found herself being hauled into an ambulance. The figures around her were talking a lot, but she couldn’t make out what they were saying, nor what they were doing. Everything was such a blur.

She was shivering. It was still so cold.

Her vision began closing in.

***

Natalie saw a bunch of lights shining down at her. It was so bright she was forced to squint. It hurt to look at.

She saw that she was still laying down, with covers over her, and there was still a horde of people around her. They were moving fast, quick at work, but she still couldn’t tell what they were doing or saying.

Her vision faded again.

***

Incessant murmuring hit Natalie’s ears and she turned to the source of the noise. She hadn’t realized she was up again. There were two people there, talking about something. Their voices felt closer to her than the ones she was hearing before. The room felt warmer too.

Natalie wrapped her arms around herself.

It still wasn’t warm enough.

***

The fourth time Natalie woke up, she felt something being put on her head, moving around in a circle. She then felt whatever it was being taken off.

“His temperature has increased a lot.” She heard someone say.

She felt more relieved than she had in weeks. She hadn’t heard a voice that clear in far too long.

She noticed the window outside, and just before she blacked out again, she saw that the sky looked much brighter than before, with the clouds parting.

***

When Natalie awoke for the final time, she was able to see the sun fully shining in the sky, a huge breath of fresh air for her. The rain was gone, the clouds were gone, it looked beautiful outside.

She wasn’t sure how long she was alone in the hospital room for, or whether it felt long or short, but nevertheless she did feel a sense of relief when her nurse finally came into her room.

Natalie’s nurse exchanged some kind words with her, saying she gave all the doctors a real scare, and that the person who first called the ambulance on her was extremely freaked out.

“Your body temperature was at ninety-two degrees when we found you.” She said. “You’re at ninety-six now, if everything goes well we can release you tomorrow. Isn’t that great?”

It was great. Everything was great. Natalie had lived, the sun was up, the day was warm, and her family could rest knowing that she was alive. Nothing bad ended up happening.

It was so great, in fact, that she needed to go to the bathroom, just so she could take in how great it was.

She walked into the small room, switched on the light, and went to the mirror to check in on her face.

And then she threw up in the sink.

She looked horrible, smelled horrible, her arms hadn’t even stopped shaking from the cold.

And she couldn’t stop sobbing.

Oh god, what had she done? What was wrong with her? No, this couldn’t have been real. This… this had to be a bad dream.

Natalie shook her head, gaining control of her own mind again. She’d seen enough. She wanted out! Please, someone let her out!

And to her relief, someone did. Just like she was waking from a bad dream, she felt her head twitch and her body’s gravity suddenly get thrown off. For a moment it was as if she was simultaneously standing up and laying down. It didn’t take long before she felt like she was entirely laying down.

Looking around her, Natalie saw that she was in her living room again, lying down on the couch. She checked the time on the clock, 4:08 AM. She checked the date on a calendar on the wall. It was the same date it was before she switched to Natalie.

She raised her hands to touch her chest. When she felt that it was flat, she confirmed that she was still Nathan.

Natalie turned her head over in her bed, tears coming out from her eyes.

She already had to live through her own suicide, why did she have to live through Nathan’s?

It was a huge relief Natalie already had off that day. She didn’t think she had the strength to even call off, not after last night.

Natalie spent most of her morning laying around in her bedroom, blankly staring up toward the ceiling. By lunchtime, she needed to clear her mind, so she decided to take a walk outside down the sidewalk. It was a nice, sunny day out, something she desperately needed. It felt good, being in the fresh air.

As she walked in front of all the houses and yards, she saw a mother and a father taking their extremely young daughter out for a walk on the other side. Her parents used to do that for her too, all the way back before she was even double digits. She loved it so much, back then.

Why did every memory have to be so painful?

Her life had been perfect. With her job she could really get somewhere, and climb up to higher and higher positions. Her family loved her, she was going to marry an amazing man, live in a big house, and maybe have some children one day.

Now none of that felt real.

She still couldn’t help the extreme envy she felt whenever she looked at other women. Actually no, not ‘other women’, just women. Seeing them only made it clear that they were real women, and she was not.

***

After all the stretches of suburbs and roads was a large bridge, with a wide and slow moving river beneath it. Natalie walked up to it and laid her arm on the railing, admiring the river. It was very blue today, and very pretty.

She missed feeling pretty.

She was missing the weirdest things recently. Breasts, for instance. She never imagined she’d miss having them, and yet, here she was, walking around every day with her flat chest leaving her an empty feeling in the physical and metaphorical sense. It was almost like her mind was telling her she was missing being a woman, and that just couldn’t have been right.

It wasn’t so bad, being a man. There was such a huge list of positives. Like… that she was taller, for one. She could easily reach things she never could as Natalie. She was also stronger, it was a lot easier to lift heavy objects than before.

…No periods, that was definitely a positive too. Also, she hasn’t gotten much sexual harassment recently, not nearly as much as when she was Natalie. Really, there were just so, so many upsides about being a man that she couldn’t even count them all.

Surely there were enough to make her head shut up.

How long was she planning on staying a man, anyway?

She shook her head, what a horrible question. It implied that her being a man was something that had an endpoint. It didn’t, it was just her reality. And she’d be willing to bet her life that Nathan wouldn’t appreciate her thinking about how much she hated being a man.

She laid her head down on the railing at that thought.

What was she going to do about Nathan? About… her?

Well, if she wanted to get anywhere, the first thing that needed to change immediately was her not being assertive enough. She needed to make up her mind, know what she wanted, and then act on it.

Nathan was not a different person, and it was beyond time to stop thinking of him as if he was. “Nathan” was just her with the memories of her male life. She was him, and he was her. That was how she wanted things to be, how they had to be if they wanted to get anywhere.

Because she knew for a fact that Nathan did not like thinking of her as a different person, and she felt the same toward him.

When she began backing away from the bridge, she felt her memories shift again, and he was Nathan. He wanted to convince himself that he was still Natalie, but he was never good at lying to himself.

They couldn’t be the same, not like this.

They needed to find some way to bring their memories together.

***

Nathan switched back to Natalie before he got back to the apartment, a blessing for him and a curse for her.

It was like neither of them wanted to be in control anymore.

Sitting on the couch, with the potion in her hand, she brainstormed what she could do to bring their memories together. Trying to force them back together like what she did as Nathan was obviously not going to work, so she needed to find an alternative solution.

She shut her eyes and leaned back. What was she supposed to do? A part of her actually wanted to try again and force the memories together, even if she knew it wasn’t going to work. It was the easy answer, after all, and guaranteed to fail. She guessed that meant her mind or soul or whatever was keeping her and Nathan’s memories apart wanted them to solve this problem the hard way.

But what was the hard way?

She thought back to when she wrote that sticky note as Nathan, when her male half and female half actually tried to communicate with each other. It went well… at least until she accidentally ripped up the note. She was still feeling guilty about that.

Wait, that was it! Communication! She and Nathan just had to talk to each other, in some way. Air out their grievances and come to some kind of mutual agreement. Then they might finally come together again, as one.

But how was she going to do that? Was she supposed to just… talk to herself? No, it had to be more involved than that. She could try writing notes again, but after what she did before, that idea had sort of soured on her.

What about recording herself talking? That worked pretty well when she did it a few days ago. Maybe that was the answer. Then when she was Nathan, she could respond and give his thoughts, and the process could continue until they finally reached some kind of agreement.

That sounded like a great idea. In fact, she should get started right now.

She ran to her bedroom and booted up the computer, ready to record her grievances for the second time. And hopefully, for many more times to come.

Nathan and Natalie alike made sure to make good on that hope, every time a new switch occurred. When recording on a computer became too inconvenient for them, a file of the increasingly long video was sent to their phone. They could then record their speeches on their drives, on their breaks, anywhere they wanted.

A few days had passed since they started, and still, neither of them had a clue if they were getting somewhere or not. They assumed whatever they were doing was still better than nothing. Being able to talk to the one person who could ever understand their problems, it had to do something.

Nathan was holding his phone right in front of him in the dark of the night, having just finished his newest recording session. He was tired, a long day of working had just passed, and he wanted to go to sleep.

He was afraid to go to sleep.

He figured that listening to the recording would make him feel better, so that’s what he did. He pressed play on his phone, hoping just hearing the conversation play out would be enough to soothe him.

“Natalie: Hey Nathan, I wanted to talk to you again. This is the best way I could think of to do that, and I’d like to keep doing it, if you don’t mind.

Of course, you already know what I’m doing because of the whole… two lives thing… so I guess I didn’t need to tell you.

…Actually, you know what? How about we pretend, just for the sake of it, that we really are different people here, okay? I talk about my issues, you talk about yours, and we act like we don’t already know them. Like we haven’t felt them or experienced them or anything like that. The fact that I am telling you this plan as if you don’t already know it means we’ve already started doing that. Is that good with you? Yes? Good.

Well, to start things off… I’m not sure how I should say this, but being a man is starting to feel like work. It’s just not feeling normal, and I want to feel normal. I don’t even know what that means, it was the only thing I could think of to say, because what I’m feeling right now, I don’t think I can really explain.

I kind of thought that, while being a man, I’d be happy about the good things that came with it. But the novelty of those things actually wore off pretty quickly, and the only thing I’ve been thinking about now is how I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life like this. And I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about that.

I want to live my life the way I’m supposed to. I’m supposed to be Nathan, I have to be Nathan. ‘Natalie’ isn’t real, I know this is my true reality. But it’s becoming harder to accept that every day. It’s so much to handle, and one day I worry I’m gonna crack.

That’s what I’ve been thinking about lately. I’ll be stopping the recording here. Hope I see you soon.

Bye.

Nathan: Hey Natalie, I heard what you said. Well, actually I remembered what you said and… oops, I slipped up. Different people, we’re different people.

Anyway, Natalie, it’s okay to admit you don’t like being me. I totally get it, actually. You were a successful woman, and now you’re suddenly put in the life of a very, very pathetic man. Yeah I know I sound bitter, but to be blunt… Nathan wasn’t that great of a guy.

You’ve seen those memories too, right? Is Nathan Parker someone who's worth remembering? He wasn’t a very good person… I wasn’t a very good person.

When I think of myself, all I can see is a man, alone in his apartment, shoving alcohol down his throat. And then waking up the next morning and throwing up in the toilet. I didn’t even have a reason for not talking to my family anymore, it just happened, just like how my drinking problem and dropping out of college just happened. Really, when have I ever helped the world out by existing? Everyone and everything seemed better when I was Natalie.

…I guess I talked about my problems too much and didn’t focus on yours. Umm, sorry.

I’m not sure how I would solve being me as not feeling ‘normal’. Maybe you could try not thinking about it? …No, I don’t think that would work. Maybe you could try it though.

But I think maybe you should just admit to yourself that you liked being you. There’s no shame in that. You were a much better person than me.

I hope that helped somewhat. Umm, I’ll be going then, bye.

Natalie: No, please don’t feel bad about talking about your problems, that’s why we’re doing this, after all.

You put yourself down way too much. I’ve met some awful people in my time, you’re not one of them. You were a good man, Nathan, twenty-four years is only a fraction of your life, you deserved to live it fully.

I remember when I was you, you thought that you deserved what happened to you. And I can’t just not bring that up.

Nathan, don’t tell yourself those things, don’t think those things about yourself. You have as much of a right to exist as anyone else in this world. No one deserved what happened to you. And I can say that because I know everything he did to you. Everything that he did to you, he did to me too.

You were killed, Nathan, killed to make me, and that’s why I can’t be Natalie. Because every time I think about being Natalie, I think about being… his. I don’t want to be his, and I don’t want to think about him, but I can’t stop myself.

I know, I should admit that I don’t like being you, and don’t like being a man. And I will. I shouldn’t keep lying to myself and saying that I do like it. I don’t think being a man is something I’ll ever be completely fine with. I don’t think it’ll ever feel normal, not the way being a woman did. There’s always going to be some things about being a woman that I’ll miss. But, I just… can’t go back, Nathan. The alternative is so much worse.

If I go back to being Natalie, all I’d think about is being his servant. A girl who he shows around as if he owns her. And he’d be right to, because he did own me. I was his personal perfect girlfriend, his own little sex slave. I was his creation. He wanted a girl who could never say no to him. If I go back to being Natalie, I feel like I’ll be… validating what he wanted.

When I think about my life… I just get disgusted because I know it was all fake. None of that shit happened. He made it up. I never should’ve been made, never should’ve existed. The only reason I’m here is the same reason why a man is in prison for twenty-five years. It’s stuff like this that makes me wish I had pulled the trigger that night.

…Sorry, I got carried away there. I didn’t mean I’d actually… I’d never want to kill you.

I remember you asking how the world was made better by you existing. Well, how about that eagle project of yours? The announcement building on the baseball field at our high school. That wasn’t in my reality, you were never there to build it. That’s a tangible way you made the world a better place.

It’s much more than what I’ve done.

Nathan: Why does it matter where you come from? There’s a lot of people in this world whose birth came from a bad history. Why should it matter? What’s the point in dwelling on it? They exist now, and that’s all that matters.

I remember you saying how you felt awful when you learned that you were created by a man, but is that really how you’re going to think of yourself? How you’re going to think of your whole life? You have a unique life full of accomplishments that you really put the work in for. You made a ton of friends and had a family that cared about you. You worked hard to keep your life in order. And you’re just going to attribute all of that to him? This man told you… told us that we were his sex slave and you just believe him?

Kate, our mom, and dad actually like you, they don’t like me. They kept worrying about how badly I was messing up my life. I can’t blame them for that, I was ruining my future, just like I ruin everything.

You told me to stop putting myself down so much, to stop thinking I deserve what he did to me, and to stop saying awful things about myself. You know that goes for you too.

Natalie: You don’t get it. All that work was him, not me. I know you know how I feel about this, but you just can’t get it unless you’re me. I am not a real person. The way I act, the way I think, the way I walk, even the way I’m talking right now is probably his doing. It’s not like I can just ‘get over’ every part of me being fake.

Do you even understand what he did? Nathan, when he was grabbing your ass without your consent, making comments about your body and how you look even after you told him to stop. When he made you want to lay on his shoulder? When he made you want him? It made you feel gross, didn’t it? I know it did because I felt the same way when he did all that too.

Are you afraid of what we’re going to have to relive once we fall asleep again? Are you afraid of everything he made you… us do that we don’t know about yet?

That’s my theory about the man we keep seeing right before we fall asleep. I used to think it was you, but I don’t think so anymore. He’s what we don’t want to see, but have to.

I know for a fact that you hate seeing him as much as I do.

Nathan: You’re right, I do hate seeing him. I hate seeing anything that reminds me of what we’re doing right now, what we still have to do to stay sane. I wish our life wasn’t like this. I just want all these problems to go away. I want to move on, I hate thinking about this stuff.

I want to be whole again. With my memories like this, I feel like I’m living half a life. I hate that, I need you with me.

I can’t do this alone.

…I’m scared.”

And that was where the recording ended.

Nathan shut off his phone and set it aside, pulling up his covers and staring at the dark ceiling.

He was still as scared as he was when he said those words in the recording.

“I’m scared.”

Over three weeks had passed since they first returned to this reality. At this point, the potion was almost empty, not even a quarter of it was left. Soon it’d be back to daily nightmares. Having to experience the next awful thing on the list Astian made him do.

God, just thinking that name made him shiver.

He lied in his bed waiting for his fear to subside. It never happened. It didn’t happen when he was fighting back heavy eyelids and it didn’t happen when he actually saw the increasingly transparent man looking out the window just before he fell asleep.

He wanted to say he was prepared for anything one of these memories could show him. That he was over being afraid. But he wasn’t.

Whatever he was about to see, he wasn’t ready for.

Right in the middle of playing a game, Nathan heard his phone vibrate. Annoyed, he paused and picked it up, going straight to his texts.

He saw a message from Kate.

“Hi, just wanted to check in.” It said.

He put his phone up to his chest, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. He forgot the last time he received a message from her. From what he remembered, she hadn’t tried to talk to him since…

He shook his head. No, he didn’t want to think about that.

He brought his phone back out, opening his eyes and staring down at the message as if entranced.

“Hey.” He typed back.

The next message came almost instantly.

“Is everything alright over there?” Kate asked.

“Not at all”, Nathan wanted to say, but Kate didn’t need to know about that. Talking about all his bizarre bodily changes made him sound insane even to himself.

“Everything is fine.” Nathan said.

“What’s it like living with Astian?”

“Good question”, Nathan thought. What was it like living with Astian? He could hardly sum it up himself. A lot of the time, it was just like living alone, except there was someone else to talk to for a couple hours. Other times, it was like he was in high school again, hanging out with his best friend and winding down after a hard day of classes.

But sometimes, it was weird.

The occasional comments Astian gave him made him feel uncomfortable. To make matters worse, even after he told him they made him uncomfortable, Astian still kept making them. Oh, he stopped for a while, but the moment he thought he could get away with it, he started them up again.

And that wasn’t even what made Nathan feel most uncomfortable. That honor had to go to how he was now almost encouraging Astian to make these comments. That night when he caught himself resting on Astian’s shoulder was bad enough on its own. But as of late, those kinds of accidents were still happening.

There was this one time when Nathan was walking up to Astian to demand he put his sister’s clothes away like he said he would. But right before Nathan said anything, Astian smiled and told him “you know, your pout is really cute.”

And Nathan blushed. Not only did he blush, but he turned his head away and, just for a second, he smiled. He actually smiled at the idea of being called cute, by Astian.

“Were you going to say something?” Astian asked.

In a daze, Nathan shook his head and mumbled some incoherent nonsense not even he could understand. He then went back to his bedroom and put away all of the clothes himself, not once questioning why he was doing that so willingly. Whenever his daze ended, he wasn’t even frustrated. He couldn’t process how he reacted.

Another time, Nathan was sitting at the dining room table, eating breakfast and staring at Astian. He didn’t know why he was staring, but for some reason he could not take his eyes off him. The second Nathan caught his eyes sliding down to Astian’s body, he forced them away.

What the fuck was he doing?

If it weren’t for all this Nathan would’ve marched straight to Astian and told him to cut the comments. But with that kind of egging on, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Even just thinking about telling Astian to knock it off made him feel bad, like he was being cruel. He didn’t want to hurt Astian, he was just teasing. At least Nathan hoped he was.

The weirdest thing about Astian’s comments is that they all felt completely earnest. They were nothing like the common teasing guys often give each other. No, it felt like Astian was genuinely complimenting him. And whenever he did, Nathan responded like some lovestruck teenager talking to a crush, which he knew because he talked to his crushes like that back then.

So why was he talking to Astian like that? Did he see Astian as his…

No, he was not going there.

Did Kate need to know all of this? It’d probably be better if she didn’t, so Nathan simply typed “it’s been alright, it’s nice to be around another person”, and hit send.

Nathan had to wait a bit longer for Kate’s second message, but it came quick enough. It read “okay, please visit us if anything is wrong, we’d really like to see you”.

Nathan smiled and put his phone down. He turned back to his game and was about to unpause it but decided to get up and stretch his legs instead. He’d been sitting in that chair for hours, he needed a break.

He walked in front of his mirror and inspected himself. Thankfully, not much had changed. His face still looked weird, his hair was still down to the bottom of his neck, and his nipples were still sore and swollen, but nothing more had changed. He still looked like the same old Nathan, and hopefully he’d stay like that.

He frowned, why did he have to hope things wouldn’t change? That should just be a given. Also, “he still looked like the same old Nathan”? Could he even say that?

He put his hand to his face and rubbed through it. He was going mad. He smelled like he was going mad. When was the last time he showered?

He lifted his arm and sniffed his armpit. Yeah, he could use a shower.

He made his way over to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet to pee. He sat down because peeing standing up hadn’t been feeling right recently, probably because of the drops of pee that could get on the floor. This was just cleaner.

Nathan stepped into the shower, the water hitting him feeling like it was burning away the stink on his skin. As he was slathering himself with soap, he noticed something odd.

Well, he noticed another thing odd. His skin was very soft.

Nathan had never been someone who gave any attention to skincare, and he knew damn well he hadn’t been using any skin products since he moved in here. But in spite of all of that, his skin remained smooth, like silk.

The constant changes had made Nathan hypersensitive to everything. If this had happened a month ago, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed. He sorely missed the days when he could be that oblivious.

He looked down at his body, taking in his swelling chest, his soft skin, and his growing hair. Being in the shower like this, he could finally confirm that yes, he had definitely gotten shorter. Not by much, but he was sure this shower head was closer to his head a few weeks ago. Was that what the colored feces was about? Was he literally shitting out his body mass?

He rinsed off the soap from his body, and as he did he noticed something else concerning. Each time he rinsed off a part of his body, the hair just… came off.

Shocked, he immediately grabbed his head to make sure no hair came off. Thankfully, none did, but the same was not true for the rest of his body. His pits, his arms, his legs, his chest, even his genitals, they all yielded the same result. They were scrubbed clean of hair. If they weren’t smooth before, they certainly were now. From head to toe, his skin was flawless, in both texture and appearance.

What the hell was going on now? His body hair becoming lighter and harder to see was weird enough, but body hair isn’t supposed to just… come off like that. That’s not how hair works. It doesn’t come off, not all at once. Unless something is seriously wrong with you, which is clearly the case here.

Nathan looked behind him and was able to confirm he was hairless from his backside too. It was funny, looking at himself like this, without his penis visible, he kind of looked like one of those girls at the beach who wore those really short bikinis, without the bikini that is.

Nathan froze in place at that thought, his mind feeling like it was simultaneously running a thousand miles a minute and standing still.

…Hold on…

He went through every single change that had been happening to him the past two and a half weeks, trying to see if there was some pattern to decipher. It started with him losing his facial hair, which never ended up growing back. Then it was his body hair, which became lighter and thinner. As the days passed, his arms grew thinner, his hands and feet grew smaller, his hair began creeping down the back of his neck, his nipples and chest swelled, his body shrank, and his skin softened.

And now, his body hair had completely come off.

His mind went back to his face. For days he had known something was different about it, but he was never able to define what exactly it was. It had long caused him deep frustration. To know something had changed about his face, but not having any clue what it was or if it was even there. It can drive a man insane.

Nathan stepped out of the shower and looked at himself in the bathroom mirror. He leaned in, analyzing every last detail on his face. It didn’t take long before, finally, he was able to tell what about it had changed.

The skin on his face had become softer, but it was more than just that. His nose was smaller, and his eyes were bigger. The rough edges of his face appeared rounded out, creating a more gentle look overall.

That’s when it hit him.

Was he… turning into a woman?

His immediate instinct was to say “no, of course not, that’s absurd!” And it was absurd. People don’t just change sex like that on a dime. That was something that happened in movies, not real life.

But to deny what he was seeing right in front of him felt even more absurd than the idea itself.

Oh god, was he really turning into a woman? Why? How does a man suddenly find himself changing sexes? Has this ever happened before? It had to have, right? It didn’t make sense for this to be the only time in history a man turned into a woman. Could he talk to someone about this? What was he supposed to do?

He found his breath growing heavy and his legs getting weak. To try and relieve himself, he laid face down on the shower mat. He felt like he was about to have a panic attack.

“No no, calm down. Please calm down.” He said to himself. “Please… I don’t want Astian to see me like this.”

He saw the corners of his vision fade to black, and soon after the rest of his vision began to follow. He shut his eyes and tried to ward off his growing discomfort, praying that Astian wouldn’t find his soaked naked body passed out on the ground. He didn’t want anyone else to know about this.

“Please… please calm down.”

Nathan let his head fall to the mat and turned his body over. Staring up at the ceiling light, he tried once more to calm himself down.

And he failed.

***

The sound of water hitting the shower floor rang incessantly in Nathan’s ears. It was annoying, so annoying. Whatever was causing this noise he so badly wanted to hit, just so it would shut up and leave him alone. He reached out with his right arm, and…

…Oh right, the shower water.

He withdrew his arm and rubbed his face, tired and confused. God, what was he thinking about before he passed out? Something about turning into a woman? What an insane thing to think. Men don’t just turn into women, that’s-

He looked down at his body.

“Oh…” He said aloud to himself.

***

Nathan anxiously paced around his bedroom, making the same exact trek several times a minute: up, down, up, down, up, down.

So, he was turning into a woman. He’d be stupid to deny that at this point.

But why? How?

Did he have some kind of hormonal imbalance? Did his testosterone and estrogen levels get out of whack? That was a thing that could happen, right? Men get a little too many female hormones in their system and their bodies get all girly. That would certainly explain his skin and chest, probably his face and arms too.

But what was the source of the imbalance? There needed to be a source right? This wasn’t something that just happened. Well, maybe it could… but even if it did, that wouldn’t explain his hair, or his height. No hormonal imbalance could make his body mass come out his ass.

So what was causing this? Magic? Yeah, sure, that made sense. Except… it kind of did, didn’t it?

Nathan went in front of his bedroom mirror, grabbing its sides and staring into the eyes of his reflection. He thought he saw a tear form in his left eye, but it was gone after he blinked.

Nothing was happening to him, he was being paranoid. He just needed some sleep, to do anything to calm down before he went mad. It wasn’t too late to save his sanity.

The room went dark. A wave of fear swept across Nathan’s body.

Just go to sleep and everything will be better come morning, that’s what his mind told him. Nathan sighed and smiled in relief. There, now he felt better.

He slapped his face. “No, get a hold of yourself!” He thought. He wasn’t about to lose. He was a fighter! He needed to fight this!

Putting his focus in front of him again, Nathan stared into the mirror, confused and horrified.

There was something very wrong going on, he was sure of it. His reflection was not what it was supposed to be. He needed to call for help or get away from whatever was causing this, fast.

“You’re just imagining things.” Something in his head told him. “Nothing is wrong, you’ve always been like this.”

Had he? It was hard to tell with how conflicted and confused his mind was right now. It felt as if foreign thoughts he would never usually have kept forcing their way inside, and he was powerless to stop it.

“Everything is fine.” He was told once more. “Nothing is happening to you.”

Nathan took a relaxed breath as he immediately calmed down. Yeah, that sounded right, he thought. He was getting all worked up over nothing. What was he even upset about in the first place? He couldn’t remember.

No, no, NO! Something was definitely wrong! Was he blind to what was going on right before his eyes? He needed to do something, right now!

Every time he realized that something was wrong, his mind kept pulling him back. Always telling him that he was mistaken, and that there was nothing to be afraid of. Always making him forget what it was he finally realized. It needed to stop. This couldn’t keep happening.

Nathan stood in the darkness, unable to make sense of any of the confusion plaguing his mind. Suddenly, he heard the sound of a door opening. He turned his head toward the noise and saw a dark figure making slow, ominous footsteps toward him.

When the figure came into view, Nathan saw it smile.

“You should be proud. You’ve turned out so well…”

Nathan woke with a gasp, in an all too familiar cold sweat. Sitting up, he clutched his chest with his right hand as he looked around in the darkness.

He reached up with his left hand, gripping his hair, pulling it.

“Please no more memories.” He begged. “Please, I can’t take anymore.”

He let go of his hair and turned over in his bed, seeing his phone on the floor. It must have dropped during the night. He picked it up and turned it on, his mind immediately going to his messages app. He pressed on the icon and the first thing he was greeted with was the conversation he had with Kate a few days ago.

He needed to see her again.

Nathan ran a hand through his hair, organizing it, straightening it, all while looking into his phone camera, just to make sure he looked presentable. He’d been doing this since he first rang the doorbell, which had to have been minutes ago at this point.

He put his hands in his pockets nervously. What was taking them so long? He didn’t want to drive all the way to his parent’s house for forty-five minutes only to learn that his family didn’t trust him anymore. They couldn’t have given up on him that quickly. Didn’t he deserve a chance? If it were them, he would’ve-

The front door opened, and in the doorway stood Mrs. Parker, Nathan’s mother.

Tears built up in Nathan’s eyes. It’d been so long since he’d seen her face. He almost forgot what it looked like.

Mrs. Parker was about to say something, but she was cut off by Nathan hugging her.

“I’m sorry.” He said, sniffling through tears.

Mrs. Parker was shocked, but nevertheless returned the hug.

“Nathan, I… what are you sorry about?”

“Everything.” He said. “I’m sorry about… drinking. I’m… sorry about… not see…ing you. I’m sorry about… making you… worry about… me. I’m sor…ry I turned my life… to shit. I’m-”

“Nathan.” She interrupted. “Why would we be mad at you?”

He didn’t respond, he didn’t know how.

“We’re not mad at you.”

“Dissa…pointed?”

“No, we just wanted to help you.” She answered. “We still love you, you know. I was worried you forgot.”

Nathan gripped onto his mother tightly, his sobs not stopping for a second.

“I did.”

***

Sitting in his old favorite chair in the living room, Nathan could smell the exact same smell he remembered from his childhood. The wooden floors were still emitting the same subtle wood scent, even after all these years.

What a way to welcome him back.

It was odd that the old house didn’t quite feel like “home” anymore. Nathan guessed he’d been away from it for too long. Though being inside did make him feel like a kid again. Pretty hard not to feel that way when he cried to his mother as a twenty-four year old man.

Yeah, that was kind of embarrassing. But maybe he just needed to see her in person again.

Mrs. Parker came back out into the living room. “The others won’t be here for a couple hours. Your dad’s out watching some orchestra and-”

“Dad’s watching an orchestra?” Nathan asked. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Mrs. Parker took a seat on the couch across from Nathan’s chair. “He was talking about it for a while. He wanted me to go too, but I can’t stand the noise.”

“I get that.” Nathan agreed. “What’s Kate doing?”

“I don’t know.” Mrs. Parker answered, getting out her laptop. “She’s at a friend’s house doing… whatever, I don’t track this stuff anymore.”

“Oh.”

She opened the laptop. “Well, make yourself at home. We’re gonna be making some dinner later, if you wanna stay for that.”

“Uh… of course.” He answered. “I’ll… be up in my room then… or, what’s left of it.”

Mrs. Parker smiled. “It’s really nice to see you again. I’m sure Kate will be very happy.”

Nathan nodded, smiling. “Yeah, I’m sure she will.”

***

Walking through the first floor hallway, Nathan was surprised to see how much of the house had stayed the same, but he wasn’t sure why he was surprised. One year was, relatively speaking, not a very long time, it just felt like his time away had been so much longer. The neverending insanity of the past few years must have seriously fucked up his sense of time.

Nathan turned to the stairwell to the second floor, about to walk up, then he immediately stopped.

Another switch. Why did it have to be now, of all times?

Natalie groaned and leaned back against the wall. Nothing about this visit felt personal anymore, which was a real shame. Nathan was so happy to be here, why couldn’t he go a full day without her interrupting?

Back in her timeline, there wasn’t much drama between her and her family. She still visited her parents every few months and kept in close contact with Kate. No one had reason to worry until a couple weeks ago when Mr. “I’m so glad my name isn’t Ben” Dover bailed on her and disappeared. What a prick. If she ever got her hands on that man she’d feel sorry for what she’d do to him.

…Maybe she should’ve visited her parents back when she was still Natalie.

Well, if she had to be in charge for the time being, she might as well check out her old bedroom and see what was different about it. Who knows? It could be an educational experience.

She made her way up the stairs and, looking around the house with her own eyes, she could confirm that yes, it was much the same. Every room was in the exact same place and all the windows were in the same area. The house looked identical, save for a few of the photos framed on the wall.

Natalie stopped in front of one of the family photos, one she remembered being taken when she was thirteen. In place of herself and the dress she wore that day was an awkward looking early teen boy wearing a suit and tie alongside her father. Aside from that, the photo was exactly the same. Her parents and Kate were wearing the same clothes and stood in the same positions.

Natalie’s eyes became fixed on Kate and she snickered. This photo was taken when she was what… six? Seven? Somewhere around there. Either way, Natalie recalled some messages she found while reading through Nathan’s and Kate’s phone conversations. Quite a few of them were about Kate having always wanted a sister, much to Nathan’s annoyance. She laughed. At some point Kate should really send Astian a letter to wherever the hell “magic prison” is. Maybe he’d appreciate the thanks.

Taking a couple steps forward, Natalie’s eyes laid on the next photo, one taken on graduation day. Thankfully Astian wasn’t in it, just Nathan, and he was wearing a black cap and gown as opposed to the red one she wore. Her high school was one of those ones that had boys and girls wear different colors for graduation. Yeah, she had grown up in a hick town, if that wasn’t obvious enough.

The next photo in line was a picture of Nathan in a boy scout uniform against an American flag. Wait, she’d seen this one before, this was when Nathan became an Eagle Scout! She recalled that the neckerchief he was wearing in this one looked different from the one in other scout photos.

She looked at the picture with as much envy as she did when looking at any of Nathan’s other scouting photos. It wasn’t fair. Sure, some people might say winning a state championship in cheerleading is just as big an accomplishment as becoming an Eagle Scout, but no one actually believed it. Scouting was way more important. Employers were always going to hire the former boy scout over the former cheerleader. That was just the way of the world. It wasn’t enough that Natalie had to steal Nathan’s life, she had to take away his status as an Eagle Scout too.

No, she shouldn’t be going down that train of thought. Not now. She had to remember what Nathan told her, to stop saying so many awful things about herself. It wasn’t her fault, and acting like it was wasn’t helping anyone.

Natalie sighed. She tried to lighten up her mood by thinking about how her parents would one hundred percent be the ones who’d never shut up about their son being an Eagle Scout. They’d wear that shit on their sleeve, displaying it on their car as if it was their accomplishment. She failed to suppress a laugh, yeah they were those kinds of parents all right.

Natalie saw her bedroom very close by and almost went inside, but was stopped when she saw the last picture to the side of the door, a picture of Kate and some other teenage girls in cheerleading uniforms.

So Kate was a cheerleader in this timeline too? Natalie hadn’t expected that. The whole reason Kate became a cheerleader in the first place was because she wanted to be more like her big sister. Then again, Kate clearly wanted to become a cheerleader of her own volition. Even if she didn’t have a sister, she’d still want to be one, just with some other justification of “why”, so Natalie supposed it wasn’t really that surprising.

Natalie took a few more steps forward and, low and behold, there it was. Her old bedroom. Or Nathan’s bedroom, more accurately. It’d been a while since she’d been in there, she wondered how much of it was left. Nathan’s bedroom must’ve been pretty different from hers as well, or maybe it was the same. She was all too eager to find out.

When Natalie finally opened the door to Nathan’s room, the first thing she noticed was that, as a teenager, Nathan did personalize his living space, at least a little bit.

The second thing she noticed was that his bedroom was more similar to her’s than she first expected.

The setup was, for the most part, exactly the same. The closet was still to the right of the front door and was covered by a pair of bifold doors with a lightswitch to the side. She flipped it and, just as in her timeline, the light didn’t come on. That bulb had long since burnt out and no one ever bothered to replace it. The room still had the same queen sized bed laying across from the door, though the sheets, covers, and pillows were gone, just as she remembered. A small flat screen TV laid to the left of the bed and the right of the closet, sitting there idle and unplugged. It was laying above a tall, skinny set of drawers made of the same wooden material as the smaller, wider set in the front of the bed. The room even had the same constellation poster right beside the bed to the right. She chuckled, she missed that poster. She might take it with her before she left.

That was where the similarities ended, however. The walls of this room were a light yellow, whereas in her timeline they were a light blue. She didn’t know why that of all things changed, but she could speculate. It might’ve had something to do with her parents, mainly her father. The room had been yellow from the start, and blue was always Natalie’s favorite color. So her father, being a “girl dad”, would probably be more susceptible to repainting his little girl’s room to her favorite color. That was her theory at least. It wasn’t like she had much to go off of, but that’s what made the most sense.

She assumed there were other differences too. It’s safe to say teenaged Nathan didn’t have a vanity set or a storage box of pads in his room, and probably didn’t have girl’s clothes in his now empty drawers and closet. Of course, it was a bit hard to compare the differences when the room had been stripped of half its contents. It was a little sentimental being in such a barren room once filled with life. It reminded Natalie of the simpler days, the better days, the days before Astian.

The days that didn’t happen.

Natalie shook her head and left the room.

***

Man, there were a ton of photos here that Nathan left behind.

Natalie flipped through another page of the photo album labeled “Nathan” and saw more of what were mostly boy scout photos. These ones looked like they were taken when Nathan was about fourteen. There was a picture of him and a bunch of other guys she recognized from her old school in berets. There were some adults with them and Nathan was holding an American flag. This must have been from one of those veteran’s day parades. She remembered those. Did this town still do them? Probably, there weren’t many towns as in love with traditions as this one.

There was another picture of Nathan, the asshole, and a few other guys in swimming clothes at a lake. Nathan was wearing a shirt, but no one else was. And was it just her or did Nathan look a little… uncomfortable? Natalie hadn’t noticed until then that once he was a teenager, Nathan was never shirtless in swimming photos. She kind of felt bad for him. Back then she always thought guys were a little mean to other guys who didn’t like going shirtless in the water. It reminded her of how girls could be mean to other girls who didn’t like wearing bikinis.

How they could be mean to her.

She closed her eyes. That train of thought was sure bringing back some pretty shitty memories. Ones she tried to forget but always came back with a vengeance.

She sighed as her mind replayed the events against her will.

At the end of eighth grade, right after the last day of school, there was a pool party being held at some kid’s house. She didn’t remember their name but they were a junior at the time and her friends all said they were going. So she went with them, and she was excited too. What fourteen year old wouldn’t want to hang out with all the cool high schoolers?

The problem was that she didn’t feel comfortable wearing a bikini.

She said that to her mother and she said “oh sweetie you don’t need to wear one if you don’t want to. I bet your friends are uncomfortable about it too. Besides, no one is going to care.”

And Natalie believed her. Why would people care that some middle schooler wasn’t wearing a bikini? Looking at it now, anyone who’d want that is kind of creepy. So she decided to wear a wetsuit to the party, full body coverage. She didn’t expect anyone to notice.

Once she actually got to the pool, people noticed. And they laughed.

“What a dork.” She heard one guy say.

A few older girls came up to her and mockingly asked if she was going surfing. Natalie retorted and said “no”, intending for it to sound menacing and certain, but it came out whiny and petulant, as if she was a toddler. She got red in the face afterward.

“You better go catch some waves, hun.” One girl said to her. She took a bucket and filled it with pool water, throwing it all on her.

Natalie immediately began crying and ran away, trying to ignore all the laughter. She hid in one of the bathrooms and desperately tried to dry herself off, texting her mother to come and pick her up. She was acting exactly like some lame kid trying to fit in with the cool crowd, the one the older kids all saw her as. They won, she lost.

And she never wore a wetsuit again.

Natalie breathed in deeply. There was something about that memory where recalling it made her feel like she was fourteen again. Right in the center of all that mockery. Intellectually she knew that, as a grown woman, she shouldn’t care what some dumb teenagers did to her ten years ago, but sometimes it was just too hard.

But hey, on the brightside, she could rest easy knowing none of that actually happened!

Somehow that made it even worse.

***

“You know, I don’t really like swearing, it’s not professional.” Mrs. Parker said while chopping up onions. “This is more a personal thing, but I always thought it makes a person look dumb. You especially shouldn’t swear in a job interview, but this man didn’t seem to understand that. Or that you should come to an interview not smelling like weed. Or that you shouldn’t start an interview with ‘nice tits’. Really, I still don’t get how some people are so bad with self-awareness.”

Natalie hadn’t been paying attention to her mother, instead just sitting at the table and lazily checking her phone. She kind of felt bad for it, but she wasn’t in the best of moods. Hopefully her mother would understand.

“Uhh… yeah.” Natalie gave a non-committal reply. “I get that.”

“Oh, there I go again, talking too much, not seeing that no one’s listening” Mrs. Parker laughed. “I need to stop that.”

“No, I don’t mind.” Natalie said. “People need to talk.”

“Well… thanks. It’s nice to have someone to… at least talk at. It’s better than nothing.”

“It is.” Natalie agreed. “It really is.”

If only she had someone she could really talk to.

“You know Nathan.” Mrs. Parker started. “You look very nice today.”

“Don’t remind me.” Natalie thought. She hated the fact that she could only look “nice” as a man. Men were supposed to be hot in the sense that they were someone else, someone she could caress and feel so loved and protected with. She didn’t feel that way about men at all anymore, not since she switched realities. The idea of loving men as a man was repulsive, and any time she saw a man she would’ve found attractive as Natalie, she couldn’t stop thinking about her own male body and was instantly turned off.

But, it was a compliment, and she didn’t want to be rude so she tried to thank her. And, truth be told, if she had to be a man, she’d rather be a good looking one than one that looked like a slob.

“Thanks.” Natalie replied. “But… I don’t really look nice.”

“But you do though! You put yourself down too much. You look nice when you, you know, put some effort into it.”

“No, I’m ugly.” Natalie said before she could stop herself.

“Oh now don’t say that. If you have to go there then I have to remind you of this poor little boy that cried in elementary school because he thought he was so ugly.”

Wait, what-

“It’s not easy being that boy’s mother. You can assure him that he’s handsome, but he says you’re just saying that because you’re his mom. But you tell him that since you’re his mom, you know him the best. And that he takes after you, and looks like you, so if he’s calling himself ugly, he’s calling you ugly too. So you ask him if he thinks you’re ugly, and that’s when he stops. You then tell him that everything in the world is beautiful, even him. Now, I don’t like that story. I don’t like telling it, but every time you say you’re ugly, I have to bring it up again.”

…

She might need to discuss some things with Nathan later.

Mrs. Parker turned the stove on, putting the chopped onions, tomatoes, and garlic into a pot, alongside some sticks of butter and salt and pepper.

“I think you’re gonna love this tomato sauce, Nathan. I’ve been spending a lot of time on it. It smells very nice. Why don’t you come and look?”

Natalie stood up from the dining room table and walked over to the kitchen, looking into the pot.

“It does smell good.” Natalie said.

Mrs. Parker smiled. “I knew you'd like it.”

“Well hey, I haven't eaten it yet.”

Mrs. Parker hit Natalie's shoulder.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Natalie said. “It looks better than Dad’s cooking anyway”

“Yeah I don't know what's up with him. It feels like he doesn't try.”

“Maybe we can teach him.”

“That would be a very annoying day.”

Natalie and her mother shared some laughter as Mrs. Parker brought them into a hug.

“Nathan?”

“Yes?”

“It's good to have you back.”

Natalie returned the hug, leaning her head into her mother's shoulder.

“It's good to be back.” She said.

If only Nathan could've experienced this in-person.

***

It was only a few minutes later that a knock was heard on the front door.

“Oh.” Mrs. Parker said. “I forgot to say, I didn’t want to tell your dad or Kate you were here, I wanted it to be a surprise. I just wish I could see the look on their faces!”

“I bet Nathan would too.” Natalie thought.

“I’ll remember to tell you about it.” She replied. “And are they both here now?”

“Yeah, your dad picked up Kate on his way home.”

Kate didn’t have a car in this timeline yet either? That was a shame. Were her parents having money problems?

“Well, don’t keep them waiting.” Mrs. Parker said. “Go on.”

Natalie grinned nervously, nodding her head and finally making the long trek to the front door. She didn’t know where all this sudden hesitation was coming from. Maybe she was afraid they’d somehow know she wasn’t Nathan. Or that Nathan wouldn’t be able to experience seeing all his family again himself. Shit, switch back! Switch back now! She couldn’t be clogging up all his time like this!

Natalie sat on the living room couch for a moment, trying desperately to force her mind back to Nathan. She couldn’t take this from him, he deserved this more than anything. She was being a real-

At the first sign of dizziness, Natalie stopped. No, she wasn’t going to pass out and live through another terrible memory, not with her family in the house. Nathan definitely wouldn’t want that.

So, to get it over with, Natalie quickly went to the front door, seeing the impatient figures in the window and opening the door to let them in.

Those figures, her father and Kate, both froze in place upon seeing her.

And in less than a second, Natalie switched back to Nathan.

Nathan was never the best with introductions. Starting conversations, getting people’s attention, keeping their interest, it was all very hard. Sometimes he’d just freeze up, not knowing what to say. So when two of his family members were staring him down, right across the doorway, he stood there, silent.

Then he tilted his head, and his father laughed.

“Been a long time since I’ve seen that.” He said. “Love to see you back, son.”

Mr. Parker walked inside and patted Nathan’s back, all while Nathan and Kate remained still and focused on each other. Seeing this, Mr. Parker smiled and left for his room, letting them have their moment.

“Hey Kate.” Nathan eventually said.

“Nathan.” She returned.

Nathan began tapping his fingers and thumb together repeatedly, one at a time, back and forth. It was a habit he often did out of stress, and he was certainly very stressed right now. What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to apologize or… what? What did she want?

“Kate…” Nathan started. “I’m- I’m sorry I-”

He was cut off when Kate hugged him.

“I really missed you.” She said.

Nathan reached his arms around her back. “Me too.”

***

Nathan and Kate were both sat together on the couch, Nathan currently going through what he’d been doing for the past few months. He couldn’t tell all of it, obviously, but whatever he could tell, he did.

“What was Astian acting like before he went missing?” Kate asked, curious. “Was he acting weird?”

“Very.” Nathan confirmed. “Like I said, he was being very controlling, like he knew how to fix my life better than I did. Then he got mad and, well, I wish I could tell you why he robbed a bank but I can’t. He just did and now no one knows where the hell he is.”

“Are you mad at him?” She asked. “I’d be. If one of my friends ditched me like that I’d hate them for the rest of my life.”

“Trust me, I do.” Nathan answered. “I hate Astian, I really do. And no, it’s not for the robbery. While living together I learned that Astian isn’t the same person he used to be. He’s a real piece of shit now and I never want to see him again.”

“Wow, I never expected you to be that harsh. Are you sure you’re Nathan? Who are you and what have you done with my real brother?” She jokingly asked.

Nathan chuckled. “No, it’s still me. I’ve just lived a little more since you last saw me.”

“Well aren’t you just so clever?” Kate smirked. “I’m just kidding. I’m proud of you, Nathan. It’s nice to finally see you have a backbone.”

“Just because I said I didn’t like Astian?”

“When’s the last time you actually said someone was being an asshole to you?” She asked. “Doesn’t it feel good?”

Nathan looked down at himself and smiled. “Yeah.” He agreed. “It does.”

Kate punched his shoulder. “You bet your ass it does. Welcome to the real world.”

He snorted, grabbing his shoulder. Kate was a surprisingly hard hitter now, had she been lifting while he was gone?

“Nathan?” Kate asked, bringing her voice low, as if asking something forbidden. “Were you and Astian ever… you know, a thing?”

Nathan’s face fell. Oh lord, how did he forget that Kate always used to tease him about that! He’d been so wrapped up in Natalie, he didn’t realize he was talking about Astian like they were dating! Which granted, they were, but he wasn’t about to tell his sister that.

Nathan must’ve been very flustered and his face very red, because Kate’s mouth immediately turned into a very evil grin.

“I knew it!” She said excitedly. “Finally, I was right! I knew I was!”

“Listen Kate.” Nathan tried to say. “We weren’t-”

“Don’t lie to me Nathan, I know that look. You two were totally dating weren’t you?”

Nathan’s tone suddenly became very firm. “Listen Kate, it was nothing like that. If you let me finish I’d say that. We were just friends, that’s all we ever were. We’re not even that anymore. But we were never dating, okay!?”

Kate backed off. “Geez fine, no need to be so harsh about it.”

“Well, I never liked your jokes about me and Astian being gay. They embarrassed me.”

“Okay, I won’t tell any.” Kate said. “But you understand I told those jokes when I was like what, ten? I just thought they were funny. Again, I was ten.”

“I know.” Nathan said. “But your question reminded me of the jokes. And then you got all excited. You have to understand why that would make me upset, right?”

“Yes I know.” She said. “And I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Nathan said honestly. “For getting so worked up over a dumb joke. I mean, let’s face it, me and Astian are kind of gay.”

Kate grinned again. “Very gay.”

Nathan chuckled darkly. “More gay than you could possibly imagine.” He thought.

***

Taking a seat at the dining room table, Nathan rested his head on his hand and stared at the wall across from him. He didn’t have the will to get out his phone and browse around the internet on it, so he tapped his finger on the table instead.

He didn’t want to lie to Kate. But what else was he supposed to do?

He knew he couldn’t tell her about Natalie, but did he have to be so hard on her for that joke? After all, he really did date Astian, even if it wasn’t in the way Kate would think. They were both being kind of gay.

Nathan caught himself snickering. Yes, they were both definitely being very gay. God, he could only imagine Astian up there in magic prison, telling his roommate about how he ended up there. “Yeah I turned my best friend into my girlfriend. I have a photo of her, you wanna see it? Here, I made sure she was a real babe, isn’t she the hottest girl you’ve ever seen? What, no it’s not gay, I changed her memories so she wouldn’t remember. It was identity death. No, identity death is not gay, shut up. It’s not gay. I’m telling you it’s not gay, it’s not!” That’d be Astian all right.

Nathan frowned. Every time he thought about Astian and him being together, even as a joke, it wasn’t long before he felt sick to his stomach. Astian manipulated him and abused his trust, he didn’t deserve for this relationship to be recognized. He deserved nothing, and if that meant having to lie to Kate, then so be it.

Nathan sighed. Why couldn’t life be simpler?

***

Dinner was served, and with it, his parent’s endless questioning of his plans for the future. Nathan was fine with talking about his life to Kate when it was voluntary, but having to answer to his parents’ constant grilling was incredibly unpleasant, to say the least of it.

Maybe he should’ve written down some future plans before he came. Damnit, where was Natalie when he needed her? She was so much better at this.

“I hear you have a new job?” Mrs. Parker asked.

“Yes, at a Home Depot a couple miles away from my apartment.” Nathan answered. “Working at the paint department. It has a good salary, I’ll be able to keep the apartment, provided I don’t get fired… again.” He added with an awkward laugh.

“Seems rather easy.” Mr. Parker remarked.

If Nathan could, he’d definitely groan, but he had an image to maintain and so he kept it down. “Well, it’s retail. And dealing with customers is never easy, you know.”

“Do you have any other places you’re looking at?” Mrs. Parker asked.

This was her way of asking if he had a plan to not mix paint at Home Depot for the rest of his life, which to be fair, was a reasonable thing for her to not want. It’s not like he’d want his own kid to be working a job like that forever.

“Not at the moment, no. But I do plan on making a list of options I can take to move forward.” Nathan said. “Oh, and by the way Mom, this lasagna is wonderful. Have you ever thought of sharing recipes?”

Mrs. Parker smiled. “I have, thank you.”

Nathan smiled back. Truthfully, he hadn’t just said that to suck up to her. This was very good lasagna.

“I wanted to-” Nathan tried to say, but was cut off by his father talking at the same time.

“You go first.” Mr. Parker said.

Nathan nodded. “Well, what I wanted to say is that for the past two weeks, I have only gotten drunk once.”

“Nathan, that’s wonderful.” Mrs. Parker said.

Kate gave him a thumbs up from across the table, having already heard this.

“Good job.” Mr. Parker said.

“Thanks guys. I want to make it clear that from now on, no more drinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t hold yourself to that kind of standard.” Mrs. Parker said. “Everyone deserves some wine every once in a while.”

“And beer.” Mr. Parker added. “It’s something I never got about you, an alcoholic who doesn’t drink beer.”

“Thanks Dad.” Nathan said flatly.

Mr. Parker snorted. “But yes.” He started to say. “I think in your position, it’s probably best to not drink at all for a few months. Just to get yourself back in order.”

“That’s the plan.” Nathan affirmed. “There’s not one bit of alcohol in my apartment.”

Mrs. Parker squinted her eyes at him. She had always been very attuned at catching people when they were lying, and at that moment Nathan knew he’d been caught.

“Okay so there's still some vodka left in the fridge.” He admitted. “But that’s it, after that it’s done.”

Mrs. Parker smirked.

“Well, Nathan. I must say I’m pleasantly surprised. You seem rather on top of things.” Mr. Parker said.

“I’m doing my best.” Nathan answered.

“Good.” Mr. Parker replied. “Now, I really have to ask this, are you seeing anyone?”

Nathan froze, immediately stopping his chewing.

“Listen dear, we’ve been over this. If he doesn’t want to be with anyone, then that’s that.” Mrs. Parker said firmly.

“I know.” Mr. Parker said back. “I was just asking if he’s found anyone he really liked.”

Nathan swallowed. He looked around the table for any support, and thankfully he did get some from Kate, who gave him a sympathetic smile.

“Not right now, no.”

“Hmm… well, that’s okay. As long as you’re doing well.” Mr. Parker said. “Though, I do want to ask, did you see anyone while you were gone?”

“Honey-” Mrs. Parker started to say, before Nathan cut her off.

“No, it's fine. He’s just curious. I don’t want to be oversensitive.” He gave Kate a knowing look.

Mrs. Parker nodded and backed off.

Nathan brought his hands together and interlocked his fingers. “There wasn’t anyone in particular I was seeing.” He started. “But…”

He stopped, his eyes had met Kate’s again, taking him back to when he talked to her earlier. He had been so harsh, all because she assumed he was dating Astian. She wasn’t even wrong and he still got worked up. He took his anger out on her.

He lied to her.

Nathan hated lying. He wasn’t good at it either.

And judging from the look in Mrs. Parker’s eyes, he knew he’d been caught again.

That was the final straw. No more lies, it was time to be honest.

“I was seeing someone.” Nathan admitted. “They were my very first love.”

He began his story, his family listening intently. “I already knew them well, and we hit it off. We did everything together. Almost everything at least. Stuff as small as watching movies together and eating out. We went on walks through the city, and went to the beach together. They just knew how to make me feel special. And it felt good, it felt very good. I didn’t realize it at the time but… being loved feels good, you know? I loved them, and they loved me back. I still remember the day they proposed, and I said ‘yes’. I was so happy.”

The rest of the family was dead silent. “There was a problem though.” He said. “I loved them as a person, but they didn’t really love me like that. They loved me like I was something they owned. And they did some awful things to me, things that are still a blur to think about. They actually forced the relationship in the first place, they forced me to love them, and I still enjoyed it. We had to break up, but even that was forced. It would never have happened if life didn’t demand it. Right now, I hate them. I never want to see them again. But that’s not the worst part.”

Nathan’s family stood still, waiting for the end.

“The worst part is that that horrible relationship… was the only time I ever felt loved.”

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” Mrs. Parker said.

“Why are you saying ‘they’?” Mr. Parker asked, curious. “...Nathan, is there something you want to tell us?”

Nathan grabbed a paper towel and wiped his mouth. “Thank you for the meal, Mom. It was very good. And thanks for letting me stay.”

Nathan took his plate and tossed it in the sink, leaving to go upstairs without another word.

***

Nathan sat on the side of what was left of his bed, with his door shut and locked. It was just like being a teenager again, leaving dinner early to hide in his bedroom and avoid the family. What a nostalgia trip. His parents should be thankful he was never one to blow up.

Cupping his face, Nathan was still unsure if he regretted what he said. He essentially “came out” to his parents and told them everything about Astian. Even if he never said his name, there was no way they couldn’t figure out who he was talking about. It’s not like he talked to anyone else.

So his parents probably thought he was gay. And as Nathan thought about it more, was that even a lie? Thinking back to his sexuality before his transformation was muddling. He knew he was definitely attracted to women, but was he attracted to men too? He sure was attracted to Astian as Natalie, but that was only because Astian made him so. Was that attraction to men natural? Did Natalie like men because he did?

Nathan wouldn’t put it past Astian to forcibly change his sexuality to make him a straight woman, and honestly, if he knew that was the case, that’d make it easier. He wouldn’t have to question so much. But the fact that he didn’t know made everything so much more complicated. It was just like how he didn’t know how much control Astian had over what happened in Natalie’s life. Did he implant every single memory himself or did he just say “make Nathan born a girl” and let the rest happen by itself? These were the kinds of things that made his brain hurt.

A knock was heard on the bedroom door.

“Hello? Are you in there?” A female voice, Kate’s voice, asked. “I wanted to know if you needed to talk.”

Nathan turned toward the door, his eyes catching a glimpse of his reflection on his phone. Even from that short glimpse, he could tell that he looked like shit. His hair was a mess and he looked like he was about to cry. He really needed to talk.

“Come in.” He said.

Kate opened the door and stepped inside, making sure to close it on her way in. “Hey.” She said. “Are you okay?”

Nathan sent Kate a glum look. “No more lies.” He repeated in his thoughts. “No more lies.”

“No.” He said.

Kate took a seat next to him on the empty bed. “This person you were talking about, it was Astian wasn’t it?”

“Yes.” He sniffed, his eyes starting to tear up. “Oh lord, not now. Anytime but now.”

“Hey hey, it’s okay.” Kate told him.

“No, it’s not okay.” Nathan said, his face becoming overrun with tears. “You don’t understand what happened, you could never understand what happened because I’m not allowed to say it.”

“Listen Nathan, I promise I-”

“You can’t.” He interrupted. “I don’t want to yell at you, but you can’t know what he did because you wouldn’t get it. I could barely get it myself. It took time.”

Kate put an arm around Nathan’s shoulder. “So maybe I can’t get it. I don’t know what it is I can’t get, but I don’t care. He hurt you, didn’t he?”

Nathan nodded. His entire face was trembling. He, or maybe she, thought a switch might have just occurred, but they couldn’t tell for sure.

“It’s my fault.” They were able to get out through their sobs. “If I hadn’t-”

“It’s not your fault.” Kate said.

“But I was a failure! He wouldn’t have done any of it if I had my life in order.” Nat tried to argue.

“No, stop it. It’s no one’s fault but Astian’s that he hurt you. People like him hurt others no matter what. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“But it did, we were… it’s because…”

“Because what?” Kate asked.

“Because… I loved him.”

And that was what hurt Nat the most. For all the hurt Astian had caused, and all they wanted to say he never meant anything, they couldn’t lie to themselves.

They really did love him.

They hugged, they kissed, they made love, and Nat remembered all of it. Moreover, Nat remembered enjoying it. They enjoyed when Astian proposed and made them feel like the most special girl in the world. They enjoyed when they went on dates and watched movies together. They enjoyed resting on his shoulder. Anytime they were having a bad day, all they needed was to see Astian’s smile and everything would be fine.

They were going to get married. They were going to move out and live in a nice house together, have a lot of children, and live an amazing life. Nat was going to be his wife, a mother, and they were so excited about it. Every moment spent with Astian was a moment spent in heaven.

All the while, to Astian, Nat was nothing more than a pretty face for him to fuck.

Kate hugged Nat as they wept, not bothering to control their ragged breathing.

“I’m sorry you had to see this.” Nat said. “God, everything’s so muddled, I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

“If you keep obsessing over what you think is real, you’ll be miserable your whole life.” Kate said. “Do me a favor Nathan, focus on what you know. Don’t think about Astian, don’t think about the past, just look ahead. Does that help?”

Nat sniffed, a smile appearing on their face. “Yes, it does.”

Kate smiled back and hugged Nat tightly, a hug they happily returned.

“I love you.” Kate said.

“I love you too.” Nat said back.

Kate broke off the hug and smiled. “I’ve got to head to my room now, I have homework to do. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Nat wiped a stray tear off their face.

“Remember what I said, okay?”

Nat nodded, smiling a very infectious smile. One that Kate caught instantly.

Kate left the room, and Nat walked to the window, watching all the stars across the night sky. They still didn’t know if Nathan or Natalie was in control, and they loved it. They knew it wouldn’t last. Come morning, it’d be back to one or the other. But, just for a single night, they almost felt like a complete person. And that was something they’d remember for decades to come.

“Shoot for the stars, Nat.” They told themselves.

“Natalie: I’m still thinking about what Kate said to me yesterday. It’s been making me think about a lot, which is something I really needed.

I know what happened to us was bad, and in a perfect world, it wouldn’t have happened. If I had the opportunity to go back and erase all the trauma he caused, I would. But I can’t. Astian did what he did and now both of us have to live with it.

It’s still hard for me to accept that past life as my own, and it probably always will be. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to think about it without feeling some amount of disgust, and I know that’s wrong, but I can’t help it. It’s gonna be a long time before I can get over it.

To be honest though, I think I might be preferring this life. I like working with you to bring everyone back together and trying to achieve something of my own. Something that I know I did myself. It feels good. I still hate being a man, and I’m not going to deny that. But if it makes you happy, I’ll try my best to live with it.

I know I’ve been rambling a lot, and it’s not exactly been cohesive, but I think what I’m trying to say is that, I really should just look to the future. Stop being so hard on myself, as you said. Whatever may have happened in the past, I do exist now, and… I guess that’s all that really matters.”

Natalie stopped recording and set the phone on the empty bed, walking to the window and looking out to the morning sun. The night had been gracious enough to not give her any memories, and she was more than happy to take that reprieve.

She smiled as she saw the trees lightly sway in the light of the pink sky. Today was going to be a beautiful day.

***

“Aww, can’t you stay a little longer?” Kate whined.

“Yeah well I don’t want to be driving like an hour to work tomorrow.” Natalie answered.

“I still can’t believe you slept in a bed with no bed sheets!” Mrs. Parker exclaimed. “Why didn’t you tell us? We could’ve-”

“Given me some bed sheets for a bed I’d only sleep in for one night? Nah, I wouldn’t want to waste your time like that.”

“You should’ve slept on the couch.” Mr. Parker said.

“Yeah, I should’ve.” Natalie agreed.

Kate pulled Natalie in for a goodbye hug. Natalie was a bit startled at first, not used to being taller than her, but she was still quick to hug back.

“I have a cheerleading competition in two weeks. State championship. I’ll give you the location over text when I get the address. You’ll come, right?”

Natalie looked down at her sister’s pleading face, and smiled.

“Of course I will.” She said.

Kate wrapped her arms around Natalie tighter before breaking off. Mrs. Parker then walked over to Natalie and stood on her tiptoes to kiss her forehead.

“Mom, I think I’m a little old for forehead kisses.”

Mrs. Parker ruffled her hair. “You’re never too old for forehead kisses.”

Natalie’s face going a bit red, she saw Mr. Parker come over and give her a firm handshake. That was odd, he never gave those when she was Natalie, was this something fathers only did with their sons? She was lucky she had enough job interviews to do this well, or she would’ve seriously embarrassed herself.

“Have a nice trip.” He told her.

“I will.” Natalie said. “And I’ll be sure to come back to visit.”

Mr. Parker patted Natalie on the back, then leaned in close to her.

“Did you sort through what got you upset yesterday?” He whispered. “Is everything okay?”

After he asked that, Mrs. Parker came in with a worried look, clearly wondering the same thing.

Natalie gave them a smile. “Yeah, Kate helped me with it. I feel a lot better now.”

Mrs. Parker smiled back and Mr. Parker gave a reassuring nod. “I’m happy to hear that, son.”

Putting her phone in her pocket, Natalie nodded back at him, knowing it was something men did with each other. Like a lot of things in the past few weeks, it felt weird to be in on. It was almost like it was forbidden, which was admittedly pretty silly to think about.

It was things like that that made her aware everyone around her really thought she was Nathan. Her own family had no way of knowing that their son was sharing a consciousness with an alternate female version of himself. And that right now, they were talking to that version and not the Nathan they knew.

In the past that fact would’ve made her feel guilty, but she knew better than that now. There were some things in life you just couldn’t control, and for Nathan’s sake, as well as her own, she needed to stop beating herself up over it.

“I’ll see you all later.” Natalie said as she finally left for the door. Just as she opened it, she heard Kate walk over to her and grab a hold of her shoulder.

“You promise you’ll see us again, right?”

Natalie turned and stared into her sister’s eyes, taking in the optimistic, hopeful look on her face.

“I will, I promise.” Nathan said.

***

The drive back to the apartment was the most relaxed Nathan ever felt in a long time. He was actually in a good mood, so good that he even had the radio on. And it was playing “Wake Up Everybody”. You just couldn’t go wrong with Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes.

It sucked that he knew he was going to have to relive some awful memory tonight. That kind of spoiled his mood, especially since the potion in his refrigerator didn’t even have a quarter of it left. But, after a while, he found it in himself not to care. He was living in the moment, and he was loving it.

Maybe after the memories are over, he could come together with Natalie and finally make something out of this failure of a life.

“The world won't get no better, if we just let it be.

The world won't get no better. We gotta change it, yeah.

Just you and me.”

Astian barged into Nathan’s room, mindlessly tossing a giant box onto his bed.

“Well, here’s the last of her clothes.” He said. “She still has a few other things she needs to bring in so don’t be surprised if some stuff appears in your room in the morning. Wouldn’t want to bother you while you’re awake, you know.”

Nathan laid still on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, not having it in him to respond.

“Nathan?” Astian asked. “You there?”

Again, he didn’t respond.

Astian walked right in front of Nathan, leaning down, looking straight into his face. Nathan’s eyes didn’t even flinch. Visibly worried, Astian poked his cheek, and finally he focused on him.

“I almost thought you were dead.” He said.

“Astian.” Nathan said. “I really think something’s wrong with me.”

“Haven’t we already been over this?” Astian asked. “I’ve already said it, you’re fine.”

“I don’t know man, something’s very wrong here. I… I really think-”

Astian took a seat on the bed, and, for a second, Nathan could see his eyes dart down, but he refocused them quickly.

“Hey, why don’t you sit up.” Astian said to him.

Nathan obliged, having grown sick of laying there himself.

“It’s just so hard sometimes.” Nathan said. “Can’t get a job, not doing anything all day, and now there’s all this weird stuff happening and I-”

“Look, I know it’s sucked for you, but it’ll get better. Trust me.”

“You always say that. Unless you have a job offer for me I don’t want to hear it.”

“Well, I can’t get you hired at my place. I might be able to get you something somewhere else though. Something good.”

“Yeah, I heard there’s a real demand for college dropouts on the market.” Nathan shot back, bitter. “I couldn't even make up some bullshit explanation for all the gaps in my resume”

Astian sighed. “You’re really not making this easy, you know that?”

“That’s my life, it’s not easy.” Nathan explained. “Well, it is easy, technically speaking, it’s fixing it that’s hard.”

Astian snorted, and… did he say something under his breath? His mouth moved but Nathan couldn’t make out any words.

“Why don’t you get some rest, love? You need to sleep more.”

Astian patted Nathan on the back and left the room. Nathan groaned, pushing the box of clothes off his bed and throwing himself against his mattress. His eyes drooped down and closed shut.

If there was one thing Astian was right about, it’s that he did need more sleep. He was so tired these days and…

Wait, did Astian just call him “love”?

Nathan’s eyes shot open, his weariness leaving in an instant. He was so tired that he hadn’t noticed. But looking at it now… yeah, Astian one hundred percent called him “love”, and unlike that night at the restaurant, he was absolutely sure of it.

Hell, that wasn’t all. Nathan thought back to when Astian’s eyes darted down for little more than a second. From where Nathan was laying, Astian would’ve been looking at his chest. At his swollen nipples that were protruding out enough to be seen under his shirt.

…Shit.

At least he could confirm he wasn’t the only one noticing his changes, which was somewhat of a relief. Astian was noticing them, too. He wasn’t oblivious after all. So… why wasn’t he saying anything? He literally saw his best friend with what were essentially or, fuck it, what WERE breast buds, and he just ignored it? Who does that? Astian had it in him to tell him he looked like a slob but THIS wasn’t worth a mention? What on Earth was going on inside that man’s head?

Was it possible that whatever was changing him was also changing Astian? That seemed like a pretty reasonable assumption. This force, this… thing that was transforming him into a woman could also very easily change Astian’s mind to make him think this was the way he always was. Or maybe Astian’s mind was being changed to think a man spontaneously turning into a woman for no reason was just a thing that happened sometimes. Either way, the result was the same. To him, nothing was out of the ordinary.

Of course, there was always the possibility that Astian was the one causing this, but that seemed a little too absurd. Why would Astian want to turn his best friend into a completely different person? Even for a selfish person, it didn’t make any sense.

He hoped it didn’t make any sense.

Nathan found himself curling into a fetal position. He didn’t know which idea was scarier, some omniscient force turning him into a woman for no reason, or his best friend that he’s known for more than a decade turning him into a woman, purposely inflicting so much psychological damage and not caring in the slightest.

Okay, that was a little unfair. He shouldn’t assume the worst of his friend. Astian was a good man, in fact, he should head up to his room and check on him right now. He’s been spending an awful lot of time alone in there, just what was he doing?

Nathan got out of bed and began walking to Astian’s room. Being in an apartment, it was pretty close by. He assumed Astian was in there. If he wasn’t, it’s not like he’d have to go very far to find him.

As he walked, Nathan cringed at the sway in his hips. This was another change he noticed recently. Just like how he was peeing like a woman, he was now walking like one too. He couldn’t help it, it’s what felt right to him. He had to actively make himself walk like a man. If he wasn’t thinking about it, then he wasn’t walking like it.

This might’ve been due to the changes in his hips, which had widened in the past few days. Hell, take away the penis and he literally just looked like a woman below his waist. His butt was bigger, his thighs were thicker, and he even had that hip rotation women had. And that wasn’t all, no. He didn’t just look like a woman below the waist, he looked like a very SEXY woman below the waist. He was actually a bit mesmerized, looking down at his legs. On another woman they’d be incredible, on his own body they were freaky as hell.

“Another woman”. Dear Christ, what was happening to him? He needed to keep better track of his thoughts.

Nathan approached Astian’s door. It was closed, but he couldn’t tell if it was locked. He didn’t want to check either, he didn’t want to see what Astian was doing alone in there. And plus, he’d never want to upset him.

…That was a normal thought, right? Not wanting to upset his friend?

Hold on, what was that? Nathan leaned in closer to the door. He could hear Astian talking, but the door muffled what he was saying. From what he could make out, it sounded like Astian was on the phone with someone.

“...Taking longer than I thought…no, I’m doing it well, it’s just…yes, I did push a little much at the start…few more days, that’s all I’m asking…book will be returned as soon…lay off my back a little, will…you know this is a very inconvenient time to have…alright, thanks…yeah, you too.”

The talking stopped, and Nathan shook his head. What a weird call. It sounded a little heated, something about a book making Astian mad?

Nathan knocked on the door, hearing Astian say “come in”.

Opening the door, he saw Astian at his desk, quickly turning on his swivel chair as he walked in.

“Hey.” Nathan said. “I heard you on the phone earlier.”

“Oh… you did?”

“Yeah, what was that about?”

It took Astian a few seconds to respond. “That was just the librarian. He’s really giving me hell over this overdue book.”

“Well, I’m sorry.” Nathan replied. “But also I should say you’d probably be less annoyed if you actually focused on finishing it, so you could turn it back in.”

“Heh, yeah…” Astian said back. “Anyway, what did you come in here for?”

“I just wanted to check on you.”

Astian smiled. “Well, thanks. I’m doing fine, if you’re wondering. Better, now that you’re here. I really like seeing you.”

Nathan giggled. “Stop it, you’re making me blush.” He said.

Astian’s smile grew wider at this. “You have a nice blush, but it’s okay, your face looks great without it. Now, if you excuse me, I’d like to make some dinner.”

Nathan ended up blushing at Astian’s comment, but nothing could’ve prepared him for what he’d do next.

Astian stood up, and passed right by Nathan, stopping a little right beside him as he turned his head and smiled. It was nice seeing Astian so close… but it also confirmed that Nathan really had gotten shorter. Much shorter, actually. Astian and him used to be the same height and now he was a good few inches shorter, the top of his head being around the same place as his mouth. It was… disheartening, to say the least, but it wasn’t what shocked him the most

No, what shocked him the most is that, as Astian began walking out of the room, he took his shirt off. Casually throwing it on the bed like it was a completely normal thing to do.

Nathan gasped, clasping his hands on his face.

Astian turned back to him and said, “it’s been getting a little hot lately, I hope you don’t mind” very casually, as if he’d simply changed his shirt and not taken it off. No big deal here. And maybe he was right, it might not have been a big deal.

So why did it seem that way? Why could Nathan not get the image of Astian’s body out of his mind?

Even when Astian finally left the room, Nathan was still thinking about his shirtless body, and he had to fight the urge to go into the kitchen to look at him. He’d never noticed before, but Astian was actually a pretty good looking man. He wasn’t really buff, but he had a decent bit of muscle on his upper arms, and he was just the right size. He didn’t have too much fat either. Sure, he didn’t have a six-pack, but when you were looking at him, it was easy to forget that. He was much better looking than the slightly overweight alcoholic slob Nathan used to be, anyway.

Did women like Astian? Nathan wouldn’t be surprised if they did. For a woman it’d probably feel really good to get lost in his strong arms as he wrapped them around your stomach, his hot breath on the back of your neck. You’d tell him about your day, tell him what was bothering you, what was wrong, and he’d give you all the comfort and kisses in the world. Maybe you’d even lay in bed with him and… oh! Nathan actually had to bite his lip to stop himself from calling out to Astian, just so he could see him again and maybe…

Nathan felt a stirring in his groin and instantly looked down. When he did, he saw that he was getting an erection. His penis had apparently become excited at his fantasies.

Finally, Nathan snapped back to his senses. Wide-eyed and slack-jawed, he slowly came to sit on Astian’s bed.

And just after he said he’d keep better track of his thoughts.

Lord, what was wrong with him? He had NOT just been thinking about making love with his best friend! He was NOT attracted to his best friend! He wasn’t about to validate all of Kate’s shitty jokes from years ago. No, no, no! He was not, WAS NOT attracted to Astian.

Nathan thought of someone, or something else to turn him on. A woman on a beach, taking off her bikini in the hot sun, showing off her chest as Astian wrapped his arms around her and gave her a kiss. Okay no, that didn’t work, let’s try again. A hot female singer performing in a concert, in some nice, sexy outfit. At the end of the show, she’d be embraced by one of the male band members, Astian, who’d- fuck! Alright, third attempt. Top female athlete, ready to compete for the grand prize and being cheered on by the top male athlete, Ast-

Tears began forming in Nathan’s eyes. He tried to force them back but to no avail.

Every single fantasy ended the exact same way. At first, there was just a woman, one Nathan would usually find attractive. Then suddenly, Astian would show up and he’d be the center of attraction. Not just that, but the woman would no longer be someone else to imagine, but HIM. In every one of those scenarios, when Astian came in, Nathan would suddenly start seeing this woman as himself.

And he liked it. He liked it so much. But he didn’t WANT to.

The first tear hit Astian’s bed sheets. Why was Nathan suddenly attracted to him? Why was Astian trying to be endearing with him? Fuck, why did he even take his shirt off? Nathan didn’t buy the “it’s hot” explanation, what was the real reason? Most of the time, when it was just guys living together, taking your shirt off wasn’t a big deal, so long as no one was attracted to you. But Astian seemed to make a scene of it, even if he tried and failed to play it off casually. It was almost as if he… wanted Nathan to see him without his shirt on. He even turned around so… what, Nathan could see the front of his bare body? Was that it? Why would…

“Oh, shit!” Nathan thought.

That’s when it hit him. All the compliments, all the pet names, all the times he caught himself staring at him in the past weeks, it all added up.

He wasn’t just turning into a woman, he was turning into Astian’s girlfriend!

And Astian was treating him like his girlfriend, more and more the longer he stayed. Nathan, in turn, was beginning to ACT like his girlfriend. Did that confirm magic was real? The mere idea sounded completely ludicrous, but so was what was happening right now. Did this mean that one day they were going to sleep together? That they were going to… do it?

No, his mind was NOT about to go there. Not again.

Nathan slowly collapsed onto Astian’s bed, and with a sniff, he started crying. He hadn’t cried so much since before he was a teenager. It was an utterly pathetic reaction, but he couldn’t think of anything better to do. How were you supposed to resist a thing like this? If the world decides to make your life a living hell, and turn you into your best friend’s girlfriend for no reason, what could you do? Well, you could kill yourself, but Nathan knew he didn’t have the guts to do that, not after what happened last time.

The worst part of all this, was that as he was crying, Nathan wanted Astian to come back into the room, see him crying, and comfort him. Ask what was wrong and say everything’s okay because he’ll protect him and love him. At this point it was like his brain was taunting him, ensuring he wanted something he didn’t, all to torture him.

Nathan hit the sides of his head, trying to banish any attraction to Astian. “Stop it.” He said. “Please stop it.”

And he did that for the entire next hour, not bothering to go out and eat dinner. He managed to stop crying when Astian entered the room, to which he went back to his bedroom, and cried, for the rest of the day until nightfall.

Astian never went to check on him.

***

Natalie couldn’t remember when she woke up. Six, seven, eight o’clock, they all might as well have been the same.

At least the bathroom mirror was here to comfort her by confirming the same thing it had so many mornings before, that she looked like shit. Work was in half an hour, and she still looked like she hadn’t showered in weeks, a real accomplishment.

Getting back to her regularly scheduled memories was more miserable than she thought. That particular memory was real bad. It sure made her feel good to see Nathan literally hit his own head to stop himself from loving her fiancé. She was just like those neutered robot women in “The Stepford Wives”, and she was getting first seat to witness the horrifying transformation from a normal person, into her.

Now now, that was no way to talk about herself. Nathan surely wouldn’t want her to put herself down like that, but he also walked around the apartment with his hand in his pants for no reason so was he a trustworthy source?

Okay, maybe she was just having a shitty morning. She needed to cheer up, she had plenty of things to look forward to today. Like… work?

…She’d see Kira again, that was exciting. She really liked seeing her.

What else could she say… it was her first day of actually trying to be Nathan. Well, not exactly, but the start of a new attempt. She was going to be Nathan Parker today and every day after, a man who loved being a man. What’s not to love about being a man? This was the body she belonged in, the body she was supposed to be in, the body she was supposed to LOVE.

The body she’d be buried in.

Natalie gagged, feeling nauseous. She had to lift the toilet seat and lay her face down into the bowl. She began dry heaving, waiting for the vomit to come out at some point, but none did.

She collapsed onto the bathroom floor, and began crying just as she did in the memory she’d relived.

She was trying, she was REALLY trying. Why was it so hard to accept? She was missing everything right now. She missed having a vagina, this penis had never stopped leaving her repulsed. She missed having soft skin, she never realized how much she felt at home in it until it was taken away, leaving this rough, horrid leathery skin in its place. She missed having a fucking purse. How far had she sunk to miss having a purse?

Not having periods again was… just not fucking worth this.

The only thing she wanted to say at that moment was “I’m sorry”, but her mouth couldn’t form the words. She hoped Nathan could see that she was sorry.

She couldn’t keep being something she wasn’t anymore.

“Natalie: I’m sorry Nathan, I really am. I don’t know how many times I can say that. I just can’t do it anymore. I remember thinking at the time that I couldn’t go back to my old life because it was fake, but now… I don’t know what to think. Everything’s starting to blur together. Me and you are starting to blur together. It’s all so disorienting.

I don’t know what I need to do in place of this, but whatever it is, it can’t be this. God, can it not be this.

I’ll get back to you when I find something.”

***

Work felt even more tedious than usual today, so much so that Natalie wished she could say this was the most miserable day of her life. That was all probably because she had to force herself to come here after nearly having a panic attack and dying in her bathroom. At least if that happened, she’d have an excuse not to come.

It wasn’t just that she felt depressed, it was that she felt depressed in the worst way possible. It was as if all her feelings and emotions were shutting down one by one, and yet she was still always on the verge of the worst panic attack of her life. It was like life was crushing her and one day she’d just collapse and scream until she died, having never truly lived. She was a hollow husk of a person, and also a ticking time bomb.

Couldn’t the clock move any faster? All these people walking around were making her feel more trapped than she already was. She needed room to breathe. She wished Nathan could take charge for a bit, just so she wouldn’t have to bear the brunt of this by herself, but it didn’t look like he was coming out.

She didn’t want to be alone.

“Hey, Nathan.”

At the sound of that voice, Natalie’s cheeks went a little red. She turned to see Kira.

“I was wondering if you wanted to come out with me to lunch.”

Natalie squinted her eyes, confused. “I don’t get it.”

“I’m asking you if you want to come to lunch with me.” Kira said flatly. “Just a yes or no will be fine.”

Natalie stared blankly at her for a good while, long enough to make Kira laugh.

“It’s not going to kill you to answer.”

Natalie chuckled nervously. She wished it didn’t feel like it would.

“Where are we going?”

“Don’t know, I’ll figure it out once break hits.”

“Where will we meet up?”

“Right outside the store, in front of the parking lot. There’s a nice bench there, if you like.” Kira said. “Anyway, are you in?”

Before Natalie could stop herself and think it over, her mouth moved and “yes” came out of it.

“Great! See you in an hour!”

Kira left before Natalie could react. It took a while for her to register what she just did.

“Oh shit.” She said aloud.

***

Natalie had spent the past twenty minutes hiding in the bathroom. She’d been in there so long she was surprised her manager hadn’t showed up yet and yelled at her for slacking off.

What in the world did she think she was doing?

Did she just agree to go on a date? She wasn’t ready to go on a date! Especially not a date with a woman. Nope, not like this, not in this body.

Wait, did she even like women? She thought she didn’t but… Kira was certainly making her feel funny things. Was it the hair? She hoped it was the hair, that was an easy target to blame.

It’s not like Nathan was any help. A switch did occur shortly after Kira left, but she went back to Natalie pretty soon. Even then, he was just as much a nervous wreck as she was. Whether she liked it or not, she was alone.

Oh god, she was about to go on a date!

“Okay, let’s calm down and think about this logically.” She thought. “She just asked me out for lunch, she didn’t ask for a date. There’s nothing she has said to make me think this is a date. It’s just food, food with a new co-worker. That doesn’t mean she’s trying to ask me out.”

That all sounded reasonable, and if her brain wanted to be reasonable, it would react accordingly and calm down.

Her brain did not want to be reasonable.

That stupid head of hers always had to ruin everything. Was this because she was too used to guys asking her out as Natalie? So now any time someone asked her to do something with them, she automatically interpreted it as a date?

Maybe she could trick her mind into thinking this isn’t a date (“which it’s not”, she repeated). She might as well kill some time while she’s hiding from her job, and maybe, if she was really lucky, it’d work.

***

She was not lucky.

Natalie sat outside on the bench in front of the store parking lot. Kira was right, it was a nice bench. Gave you a good view of the mountains above. If it wasn’t in the middle of a Home Depot, it’d be a beautiful view.

“Wow, you actually came.”

Natalie turned to see Kira walking out of the store.

“You’re surprised?”

“Kind of. I thought you were gonna ditch, you struck me as that kind of guy.”

Natalie huffed. “I’m not sure if I should be offended right now.”

“You can if you want.” Kira walked right next to the bench. “I’m sure you had your judgments of me when you first saw me.”

“Oh like what?” Natalie asked. “What do you think I was thinking?”

“That I was gay.”

Natalie's eyes widened, her face growing flustered.

“Don’t lie, you saw my hair and thought ‘she must be a lesbian’, didn’t you?”

Natalie’s mouth opened, but no words came out.

Kira laughed. “Oh come on I can’t be THAT abrasive. I’d say I’m pretty tame.”

Natalie shook her head. “You’re not abrasive, I just… I wasn’t expecting you to say something like that. I mean, I do like your hair. It’s cool, but… I didn’t think you were gay because of it. I wasn’t thinking anything like that.”

“Well you should’ve, because I am gay.”

“Really?”

“Mmm, maybe not COMPLETELY gay. There are some men I like, but I like women more. I guess I’m bisexual, but with such a heavy preference for women that I might as well just say I’m gay.”

Natalie nodded. “Okay.” She said. “Umm… congratulations, I guess. For being gay.”

Kira stared at Natalie with a weird look. Neither of them said a word for a short while, making Natalie gulp. Had she said something wrong?

Then Kira burst out laughing.

“You’re welcome.” She managed to get out. “I’m working on getting my gold medal for being gay right now, actually.”

Natalie’s face turned red. “Yeah… yeah, that was a stupid thing to say wasn’t it?”

“Oh no, I liked it. In fact I like you already, Nathan. You’re funny.” Kira said.

“Funny by accident.” Natalie corrected.

“Eh, if the shoe fits.” Kira replied. “Alright, we should probably head out now. We won’t have enough time if we stay here much longer.”

Natalie stood up. “Okay… uh, have you decided on a place? I’m not very good at that part.”

“Relax, this was my idea. I have everything figured out.”

“Okay.” Natalie said as she followed Kira down the parking lot. She was thankful most of her initial nervousness had passed. Her mind still wasn’t totally out of the “this is definitely a date” fixation but it was at a manageable place now. She supposed she was a little lucky.

After about a half dozen lines of cars, Natalie saw a purple one come up and pointed at it. “Is that your car?”

“Yes, how did you know?”

“It’s the same color as your hair.” Natalie said. She turned back and forth from the car a few times. “Well, maybe a few shades off.”

“Yeah, I really wanted one in my favorite hair dye. Shame it was too expensive. This was the next best thing.”

“I mean I don’t think people will notice. You don’t see purple cars very often anyway.”

Kira unlocked and opened the front door. “At least you won’t forget it.”

Natalie chuckled as she got into the passenger seat and looked out the window. “No, you certainly won’t.”

***

Most diners in the county were interchangeable, so much so that Natalie didn’t even remember the name Kira said before they entered this one. She never really kept track of these sorts of things, one way Nathan and her were alike

Another way they were alike? They both hated fast food, something Natalie just got done explaining to Kira.

“Hmm… would you say you’re a food snob?”

“A little bit.” Natalie responded. “I like cooking, on occasion.”

“You do it a lot?”

“Well, I haven’t been doing it so much recently. My mind’s been occupied with… other matters.” She sighed.

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Kira said. “Cooking’s a very good thing to get into, I’ve been doing it a bit myself. Though if you live on your own you kind of need to know how to do it. I mean, unless you want to order take out every night, but that’s gotta be a miserable way to live.”

“Trust me, it is.” Natalie said. “I know a guy who was living like that. He… let me know how terrible it was.”

“Did he get into cooking too?”

“A bit.” Natalie answered. “Me? I got into cooking because of my roommate. S… he was always doing so much cooking, and I felt guilty for not doing as much as him, so I started cooking too.”

“I hate that feeling.” Kira replied. “Even now I get it sometimes. It’s like I’m always missing something. There’s always something productive I should be doing. I hate it.”

“I know.” Natalie agreed. “How’s uh… your day been?”

“Same as always, not that great. I guess I’ve just been bored lately, life’s been dull.” Kira explained. “I’m sure I’ll get out of this dry spell sometime, but I don’t know… it feels like it’s taking forever.”

“Oh… then I hope you can start having fun soon.”

“Thanks.” Kira half-smiled. “How about you? How are you doing?”

“How am I doing?” Natalie repeated her question. “To be honest, right now I’m doing terribly. My life’s been pretty miserable too as of late. My uh… roommate went missing after being chased down by police, and now I have more bills to pay in his place. I’m stressed, frustrated, confused, and I… I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Kira said sympathetically. “If you don’t mind me asking, what DO you want to do with yourself?”

Natalie thought it over for a bit. “Hmm… I guess start thinking about my own wants and needs. All this time I’ve been doing things because I think I have to, but what about what I want? That’s what I’ve been thinking I need to start doing.”

“So what do you want?”

Natalie shut her eyes, imagining herself in her old, beautiful body. Going out day to day and living her amazing life as the woman she was. She couldn’t get enough of the thought of that. Being a woman again would be a dream come true.

She opened her eyes again. “I want…” She struggled to come up with what to say, what wouldn’t make her sound crazy. “I don’t know, I just hate being myself.”

Kira tilted her head a bit, curious.

“You know Nathan, I think I’m starting to get an idea of what you need.” She said. “It might sound crazy, but I think you need to hear it.”

Natalie leaned in a little closer, intrigued. “Okay.” She said. “Go on.”

“Hold on a minute. I need to text my sister to see if it’s okay.” Kira got out her phone, quickly tapping something away on it. “Okay it should take-” She stopped talking and looked down again. “Oh wow that fast?”

“What are you doing?”

“Sorry, had to check in with her first.” Kira explained. “But she says she’s okay with me saying anything so…”

“So what?”

Kira looked as if she was trying to find the right words. “You remind me of my twin sister, Anne.” Her mouth turned to a grin. “She’s the straight one.”

“What do you mean I ‘remind you of her’?”

“Anne is transgender.”

Natalie froze at that, her mind nearly collapsing into shambles. Transgender? What did a word like that even mean for her? She became nervous, placing a hand to the side of her head as she shook. “What are you getting at?” She asked. “Are… are you trying to say that I’m-”

“I’m just saying that you act a lot like her.”

Natalie paused, only growing more restless. She needed a few seconds to think up what to ask next.

“What’s she like?”

“She’s a quiet woman, mostly keeps to herself.” Kira answered. “She was like that growing up, and she got picked on a lot for it. I had to step in to defend her. That’s how it was back then, I was the loud kid, she was the quiet one.”

“So… you’re saying I’m like her just because I’m… quiet?”

“Well, that and because you said you hate being yourself.”

“…Oh.” Natalie replied and chuckled, feeling dumb.

“Hey.” Kira said softly. “Calm down, it’s okay. I’m just telling a story here. All you have to do is listen. Relax.”

That did sound pretty relieving, so Natalie took a deep breath and was actually able to relax. That was surprisingly easy.

“Did Anne say anything like that?” Natalie asked Kira. “About hating being herself, I mean.”

“Kind of. It was around when middle school started that she became the most miserable person ever. Never happy about anything, always in a bad mood. She didn’t look angry… at least not most of the time, just tired. We kinda drifted apart then, we weren’t spending a lot of time together anymore.”

“Sounds pretty sad.” Natalie said, grateful that never happened between her and Kate.

Kira shrugged. “At the time, I kind of assumed that’s what boys and girls were supposed to do as they grew up. But I didn’t like not seeing him at all. Anyway, one day, she used her razor to shave her legs, as well as the rest of her body, and my parents were not happy. They said she was going to hurt herself and told her ‘guys don’t do that’ pretty sternly. She didn’t say anything back. Before she went back to her room, I went to her and just asked her ‘why’.”

“Why did she shave?”

“No, why didn’t she stand up for herself. But she assumed I was asking her about shaving before I could finish my question and said ‘I don’t know, because I hate my disgusting thick hair, leave me alone!’, then slammed her door shut.”

“I’m sorry, that’s horrible.” Natalie said. “Did you ever clear things up?”

“We did, and she apologized for it, but I didn’t really care that she got mad, it was a bad time for her.” Kira explained. “She confessed a lot to me that night…” She hesitated. “Good lord I can not believe she’s allowing me to tell you this, but she told me that she was going to let me in on a secret about guys.”

Kira paused for a moment and laughed. “It sounds so stupid saying it now, but we were fifteen. So I completely believed her when she told me that all guys secretly wanted to be girls, and that all guys hate being guys.”

Natalie had to hold back some laughter of her own. “Seriously? You… believed all that?”

“Hey I just told you, we were fifteen. And I was skeptical at the start, to be fair. I was saying ‘well being a girl kinda sucks sometimes, it’s hard, being a guy sounds so much easier’. Then she asked me ‘well do you want to be a guy, would you like to be in a man’s body’. I thought about it for a bit, and I realized that would feel gross and wrong, so I said ‘no’. She said ‘if you felt gross, that’s what guys feel all the time about being guys, we just keep quiet about it because we’re not supposed to talk about it.”

Natalie was in complete disbelief. “I’m still shocked you actually believed all of that.”

“I guess it reminds me of that one post I saw online.” Kira remarked. “You know the one right? It’s the one that goes ‘it be two dumbass girls telling each other ‘exactly’.”

Natalie chuckled. “Yes I know that one.”

“Good, because it gets even better. Anne gave me all the dirt she had on guys. At least that’s what she thought she was doing. ‘Guys like boobs because they’re jealous and want their own pair’. ‘Guys like bikinis because they’re jealous and want to wear one themselves’. ‘Guys are always jealous when girls dress up for big events, because they want to wear all those beautiful dresses too’. And I was like ‘oh wow’. I was convinced that I knew all there was to know about guys. Then two years later, during our senior year of high school, I was in a D&D club. I made a character sheet for one of the guys there, and I made his character a woman. At first he thought it was a joke. ‘Oh very funny Kira ha ha’. I got confused and said ‘well don’t you want to be a girl?’ He thought I was talking about the game and said ‘not really, I’d rather my character be-’ and that’s when he noticed how confused I looked and stopped.”

Natalie got a little antsy waiting for the next part.

“I asked him ‘don’t all men want to be women? Isn’t that normal?’ And he said ‘no, that’s not normal at all, who told you that?’ I told him and he said she was wrong, and didn’t know what she was talking about.”

Natalie grew uneasy. “And what happened when you told Anne? Was she mad?”

“No, she didn’t even believe it at first. It took time, but eventually she was crying while we were together in my room. The only thing she said was ‘I thought it was normal’. She was devastated.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Natalie said. “I know I must sound like a broken record saying that all the time… but what happened when Anne-”

“Transitioned?” Kira asked. “That happened when we were in college, different colleges. So I don’t know the details, but when she came back after a whole slew of months, and I mean like ten, she was a woman named Anne. And that’s where we’re at right now.”

“Wow…” Natalie replied. “I mean… you two seem to get along well.”

“Yeah, when she transitioned, we got close again. It was like it was when we were kids. I loved having her back. I loved having a sister. And she’s a beautiful woman. Oh! Did I mention this one really funny moment we had together? It happened one day when Anne was gone at college, never at home. I came out as a lesbian, and my parents said ‘well at least one of our kids is straight’. And then Anne came in one day with her new boyfriend, and I laughed for like five minutes straight.”

Natalie failed to hold back a laugh of her own. “Were they mad?”

“For a bit, yeah. But they got over it. They’re not the most supportive of Anne, but they can… tolerate it, most of the time.”

“That’s awful. As parents they should do a lot more than ‘tolerate’ it.”

“Yeah, they should. And I wish they did.” Kira said back. “Anne does too.”

Still a bit restless, Natalie had to inquire. “So… it still seems like you’re telling me I should… you know… I mean, by telling me this story, you’re clearly suggesting that I might be transgender. Some might say you’re being a little pushy.”

Kira scoffed. “If one person saying you MIGHT be trans is all it takes for you to transition then… well that’s not exactly my fault is it?”

“Good point.” Natalie conceded. “I’m just not sure how that story was supposed to help me.”

“It might not help you, but it’s not going to hurt you to know it.” Kira told her. “When I see you, when I hear the things you say, I think it’d be good for you to have some more insight. You look like you need a little help.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“That’s not a question I can answer for you.”

Natalie looked down, needing some time to figure out what she should say.

“Why? Why did you do this?” She asked. “Let me go to lunch with you, I mean, no one asked you.”

“It’s like I always have to go back to square one with you.” Kira sighed. “It’s not about anyone ‘asking’ me to, it’s about doing something nice for someone. I talk to people and get to know them because it’s how we grow. I like spending time with other people.”

“…Did you like spending time with me?”

“What are you talking about, of course I did.” Kira smiled. “You made my day a lot better. I like you, Nathan.”

Natalie blushed. “You… do?”

“Yep! And I’d like to spend more time with you, if you don’t mind.”

Natalie’s mouth went agape, she hardly believed what she was hearing.

“Would you like that?”

Natalie refocused her eyes and got one last good look at Kira’s face. She was absolutely beautiful, her cheekbones were high up, her lips were nice and full, and she had the most adorable button nose. Natalie was still not over her violet hair, as immediately eye-catching as it was. And she wasn’t just attractive, but funny, and lively.

Spending more time with her would be wonderful.

“I’d love to.” Natalie smiled.

***

When they got back to Home Depot, Natalie went straight to the bathroom, examining herself again in the mirror. At some point, she was going to have to face it.

She was attracted to Kira. No, she LIKED Kira.

“Fuck.”

This may have been the first time in her life she’d ever been in love with another woman. A woman she knew would never love her back. How could a lesbian ever love a woman who was trapped inside such a horrific body? Could SHE love a woman like that?

She wasn’t able to tell, she’d have to meet that woman face to face.

Besides, she didn’t want to love Kira, her feelings were acting against her again. She wished there was some way to turn them off.

Would spending more time with Kira help keep those feelings away? No. Was she going to do it anyway? Without a doubt, and gladly so.

Natalie walked out of the bathroom, getting back to her shift, hoping that would steer her mind away from this.

***

Work didn’t steer her mind off Kira, but it did help. It helped a lot actually, by the end of her shift she was in a much better mood. She was almost happy, especially as her mind began fixating on something other than her unrequited love.

Being a woman again, by the time she got home from work, it was all Natalie could think about. All the way from first going up the stairs to her apartment to standing idly in the dining room hours later. She couldn’t even quantify how badly she wanted it. She was definitely going to appreciate being a woman a lot more after this.

But to do that… she’d have to go along with Kira’s suggestion.

Could she really be transgender? What would that even entail? She’d have to get a new name, a new wardrobe, probably have to go through hormonal replacement therapy, and get “the surgery” too.

Well, honestly that didn’t sound too bad. It sounded a lot better than what she was doing now. Maybe this was what she was looking for when she said she needed to do something in place of this. And after all, it’s not like she’d need to think a lot about what her name would be, and she already had a lifetime of wearing women’s clothes behind her. As long as she lived alone, no one would question why she was so good at applying makeup or knew so much about women’s fashion and whatnot.

Hell, Nathan had all of that knowledge too. Whenever she was Nathan she still knew how to-

Oh right, Nathan.

Natalie groaned in exasperation. Why couldn’t something be easy for once?

She rubbed her forehead and made her way to the refrigerator. Hopefully eating something would take her mind off this.

Maybe… after some convincing, Nathan would agree to it?

Yeah, and maybe after some convincing, SHE’D agree to stay as a man for the rest of her life.

Okay… perhaps she could go back to her old life? She used to say she preferred this life, but she wasn’t so sure about that anymore. This body was really starting to become a problem. The idea of going back didn’t seem so bad now. At the very least she should go back to say goodbye to all her friends there.

But, if she wanted to stay, would Nathan agree?

It was stuff like this that made Natalie wish they could just combine memories already. This was the most frustrating thing in the world. She WAS Nathan.

But at the same time, she wasn’t.

***

It was in the shower when Natalie switched back to Nathan. He almost didn’t notice the switch at first, until he realized he had been thinking about being a woman again and suddenly got weirded out.

One day, just one of these days, a switch would happen at a convenient time.

Nathan felt like he was in the same boat as Natalie. He was about to say he wanted to stay in Natalie’s life because hers was so much better than his. But being with a version of Kate that didn’t grow up with him… it just didn’t feel right.

Besides, he liked spending time with Kira.

He sighed. Life’s hard sometimes.

By the time the sun came down, Nathan had already collapsed into bed. It’d been a long day for him too. God, was he exhausted.

At least he got to talk to Kira… as Natalie, but that was still him anyway. He enjoyed it a lot, and it appeared Natalie did too. She’d been thinking about her a lot since it ended.

If nothing else, it did keep her mind off how awful she’d been feeling lately.

Nathan cringed. If only there was some way to help her. Poor girl. Hell, maybe that lunch with Kira wasn’t all good. Natalie’s mind had been so stuck on how she was loving someone who would never reciprocate it. Someone she didn’t even want to love at all.

It was really a wonder she, or either of them, could love at all after Astian.

Actually, did he love Kira too? He closed his eyes and imagined her face, her deep blue eyes, her bright, violet, lovely hair… okay, safe to say there was some attraction there. There was more than just attraction, being around Kira made him feel warm.

Of course he loved Kira, how was that even a question? Natalie and him were literally the same person, they shared everything together.

Almost everything that was, one key difference was that Natalie was thinking of a real solution to her misery.

So… Natalie wanted to become transgender. He couldn’t blame her for it. She clearly hated being a man, and if that’s what she felt she needed to do, then there wasn’t much he could do to change that.

But he wasn’t going to let her go forward with it.

He was NOT a woman.

The locker door slammed shut right beside thirteen year old Natalie’s face. She flinched and quickly turned around, her mouth agape and her breathing heavy.

The older girl in front of her, alongside the two friends flocking to her sides, looked at her scornfully. This girl was at least a year older than Natalie, in the eighth grade, and she made it her mission to scare the younger girls and make their lives miserable.

“That got your attention, didn’t it?” She said. “You’re finally looking at me like a normal person.”

“What do you want?” Natalie asked, fearful.

“No, what do YOU want, Natalie? I’ve noticed the way you look at other girls in here and it’s making me sick.” The older girl said. “It’s like changing with a boy.”

“Wha… what do you mean?”

“I mean you’re checking us out! Especially me. The way you look at me, it’s like you wanna…”

“No, it’s nothing like that!” Natalie interjected. “I don’t… I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I don’t… check girls out.”

“Yes you do! All the time, I can see it.” The older girl accused her. “What do you say girls? I think we have a lez on our hands.”

“N- …No.” Natalie tried to retort as the other girls laughed at her.

“Well if you want to look at us like a boy, then I guess we should respond like a boy.”

Natalie stood still and grew terrified as the older girl approached her. With each step her heartbeat increased. What the hell was she going to do to her?

She felt the sides of her pants gripped onto, and with one swift motion, they were pulled down, revealing her underwear in front of all the girls in the locker room.

The older girls laughed as they walked away. Natalie tried to ignore all the other girls staring at her as she pulled her pants up. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop the tears from forming in her eyes.

She didn’t know which was worse, getting pantsed in front of all the girls in the room, suffering the most embarrassing moment in her life as her bully walked away and laughed at her.

Or the fact that, while it was happening, she was STILL attracted to her.

Natalie fell to the ground, tears flowing down her face and landing on the hard floor. She cried more and more as all the laughs in the room sounded in her ears. She cried for minutes on end, praying that it would soon all go away.

After a while the laughs grew more muffled, slowly fading into the background as the lights turned off, and the floor became softer.

Then finally, she blinked, and the laughing stopped. She saw the darkness of her bedroom.

***

Natalie slammed the car door shut as she started the slow drive to work.

Last night confirmed it for her, her brain wanted to torture her. When it wasn’t reliving her transformation, it was the worst of her repressed memories.

She hit the gas pedal hard, pulling out of the apartment parking lot almost aggressively. She gave out an irritated huff as she came upon her first red light. Her free hand, the one left by her side, laid there as she tapped her fingers and thumb together repeatedly, from left to right, then back again.

Every time, every single time she fell in love with a woman, it was her mind conspiring against her. Forcing her to feel attraction when there should have been none. She was hopeless.

The light turned green, and Natalie nearly floored the vehicle before stopping herself. She brought her free hand back to the steering wheel, smacking it along the way.

Sooner or later, she’d have to do something about Kira.

***

Thank god today was a slow day.

Nathan was in control at the moment, as he had been since the start of the shift. He wished it would stay that way, Natalie had more than enough to deal with right now. She needed a break, and a much longer one than he could reasonably give. He wished he could do more.

If there was any silver lining at all to Natalie being stuck like this it’s that she’d hopefully finally learn to love herself and her body. It was a little hard for Nathan to judge, considering the family resemblance he had with her, but Natalie was gorgeous. She was, without question, the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. And he could understand why she would find that so upsetting. If Astian “made” her, then obviously he’d want to make his new girlfriend extremely hot. It was another sign of just how much of her identity was created and designed by Astian for the sole purpose of appealing to him. He could understand why that was so hard for her to move past.

But if living in this body wasn’t able to convince Natalie how beautiful and healthy her body was, nothing would.

Looking down at himself and putting a hand to his stomach, Nathan could feel the fat buildup. Was it just him or did it feel even fattier than usual today? Whatever the case, Natalie had nothing like that. Even just BEING in her body, he felt more fit and limber.

If he actually started working out, maybe he’d get something out of this too.

“Nathan?”

Taking his eyes off his stomach, he looked up and saw Kira, once again. That same girl who was making Natalie and him feel butterflies.

“Hey.” He said to her, nervous. “How are you doing today?”

“Kinda shitty.” She answered. “I gotta leave work early, which should be good, except it’s to go to some stupid family event where I gotta talk to all my annoying relatives, so it sucks. Also, I can’t take you out to lunch today.”

“…Oh.” Nathan said, a bit disappointed.

She sighed. “Yeah. I’m sorry. But, I still like hanging out with you, and Friday’s coming up in two days so…”

Nathan squinted his eyes in disbelief. “What are you suggesting?”

“I want you to go out clubbing, with me.”

Nathan was stunned. He gulped, then asked “are you trying to take me out on a… date?”

Kira laughed. “I mean… I never said THAT. We can go clubbing as friends.”

Nathan blushed, forcing out a few chuckles. “…I guess but… that’s just not something friends are supposed to do together, you know? We can’t do it if you’re a woman and I’m a man. It doesn’t… it doesn’t work like that.”

“Why not? Is that written in a rule book somewhere?”

“N- no?”

“Then we can go as friends.”

“But… every time a man and woman go clubbing together, it’s a date. It’s not like I can be ‘one of the girls’. I’m not… like…” Nathan’s eyes got stuck on Kira’s face. It was so pretty…

Kira giggled. “Well then we might have to get the girl in you to come out.” She said.

Nathan shook his head. “Umm… wait, no. I don’t want…”

Kira waved him off. “I’m sorry, I was just joking. I’m not gonna make you wear a dress or anything.”

Nathan felt relieved. “Thank you.” He said.

Kira looked up and suddenly said “oh shit, I better get going now. Uh, we’ll talk about this more tomorrow. Bye!”

Following her eyes, Nathan saw the clock. “Hey wait.” He said. “For the club, what exactly do I…”

He turned around, but Kira was already gone.

“…wear.”

***

Nathan spent his lunch break alone in his car, his only lunch being a cinnamon doughnut he bought from a nearby grocery store, his comfort food he always ate when he was stressed.

It was stuff like this that made him overweight.

Why did Kira want to go clubbing with him, of all people? He was just about the WORST person to go to a place like that with. Not only was he antisocial, but he just didn’t do well with bright lights, loud music, and rooms packed to the brim with people. He was the kind of person who’d rather stay at home and play a video game.

It didn’t help that he also wasn’t exactly the most attractive man out there. Sure, he remembered Natalie thinking he could be a handsome man, so long as he actually took care of his appearance, but he didn’t see it. He was a very mediocre looking man, and that was being generous. He didn’t stand out in the least.

Natalie would probably like going out with her though. She wasn’t the biggest extrovert out there, but she was definitely one to clubbing every once in a while. He even remembered going out to the club as Natalie, wearing this sexy, too revealing red dress and dancing in high heels. Even now, being Nathan, he could almost remember this as if he was the one doing it, which wasn’t the case with these memories before. Were Natalie and him getting closer? He hoped so.

The edges of Nathan’s mouth creeped up as he thought of the memory, then went down once his mind soured. He forgot the bad part of the memory.

Going to the club with Astian. Not just dancing with him, but grinding on him, kissing him hungrily and holding him tight and close. He grabbed Natalie’s ass so many times that night, and at one point even tried to expose her breasts. Sure, they were against the wall and where a lot of people wouldn’t see them, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still very weird.

At least he paid for all the drinks. “I’ll glady open doors, pay for things, and do everything nice for a woman, so long as she deserves it.”

Christ, what a dick. How did they not notice this before?

And how would Nathan be any better? He couldn’t dance for the life of him, nor could he control himself around alcohol. And for the love of god, WHAT was he supposed to wear?

No, he wouldn’t go out to the club on Friday, that would be a horrible idea. He did NOT want to go to this.

He wiped his face with a napkin as his legs kept swinging fast under his seat.

He’s definitely not going.

***

Natalie almost leaped back to her car when her shift was over. She hurriedly climbed into the driver’s seat, shut the door, and began giggling uncontrollably.

“Oh my god I’m actually going to-”

She stopped her thoughts and forced her mouth into a frown. No, she was not going out clubbing with some girl she barely knew, she’d already been over that. Nathan didn’t want to go and neither did she. How could she ever go back to a club after Astian? Not to mention she was still attracted to her, which was BAD. Going to this would only encourage her brain to keep that attraction going and make it stronger. She couldn’t be spending time with her doing things that felt like a date!

No, she was NOT going. Bad Natalie, get down.

She switched on her car and began pulling out of the parking lot. When she entered the main road her free leg started swinging.

She couldn’t wait to help Nathan pick out what to wear… in case they decided to go, that is… which they won’t.

***

Natalie rushed inside her door and quickly locked it shut, unable to contain her giggling. She felt so stupid, why in the world was she giggling so much? This was what little girls did, not grown women! And she had to look really weird, being an adult man giggling this much.

Her smile faded. There it is, she was still great at bringing her own mood down.

She slowly stood up and made her way to the couch, plopping down with her head in her hands again.

She really wanted to be a woman again. And wear a pretty dress to the club. And do her makeup until her face looked perfect and kissable. She wished there was some way Nathan could empathize with her.

…Maybe she SHOULD try and convince him. Some ideas were just crazy enough to work, after all.

Nathan lifted his head out of his hands and stared at the wall.

He sighed. Now Natalie too? He was just wonderful at this.

***

Nathan paced incessantly across his apartment living room, just trying to figure out one thing.

Why?

What was he doing wrong? Why did people think he wanted to be a woman? Was it something about the way he spoke that threw people off? Was he giving out some sort of signal without knowing? He needed someone to tell him, because he felt like he was going mad.

Sure, there was a lot to like about women. Their soft skin, round faces, curves, and breasts were all very nice, plus their clothes were pretty and colorful. Women’s clothing in general always seemed to stick in your mind in a way men’s clothing didn’t. They came in so many different shapes and sizes, in a variety of different textures and colors. It was actually a little overwhelming to think about, especially in comparison to men’s clothes, which were always the same bland blues, blacks and greens. Women had so many more options.

They always put so much effort into their appearance too, much more than Nathan did with his scruffy chin anyway. But that extra time had to have been worth it, right? It certainly was for him, back when he was Natalie he would wake up early every morning, stare right into a mirror and paint his face for about twenty minutes. He didn’t like it all the time, sometimes he was even annoyed, but after it was done, he always smiled. He felt like he had just got done painting something beautiful, making some wondrous work of art that everyone around the world would gather round to see. Sometimes it felt like that while he was doing it too. He loved seeing his own face smile.

A woman’s outfit was like art, it could elicit so many different emotions and make her that much more beautiful. A man’s outfit was for efficiency. If it was a shirt and didn’t have holes in it, it would do. Hell, it’d probably do if it DID have holes in it, as it did for Nathan. Looking at that life now, it seemed… sad.

…What was he thinking about again?

Oh, right.

So maybe there were a few aspects of being a woman that he liked. Maybe a few that he missed. Maybe for a while, he even wanted to go back to being a woman.

But none of that meant a thing. The point still stands that, for the vast majority of his life, Nathan didn't think once that he wanted to be a woman. This shit with having two lives was just getting to his head.

Wait… that was it! Of course! He finally figured it out!

It was Astian!

Yes, Astian’s spell was the source of this. It was the magic that made Nathan like being a woman, made him like being Natalie, and made him want to return. How could he be so stupid? If Astian had the ability to warp reality itself then changing his mind to make him enjoy being a woman wasn't a stretch at all. This was never authentic, him wanting to go back, it was just the remnants of the transformation still lingering in his head.

Hold on, if that was the case then… the spell would still be in effect…

Fuck! What could that mean? Was there a way to force it out? He couldn’t STILL be having these feelings about wanting to be a woman. What if one day he gave in?

Nathan noticed his hand shaking and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down. Okay, he didn't need to get all worked up. This wasn’t that bad. All he needed to do was ask the Guardians for a way to fully undo the spell next time they meet. Then he’d be golden.

Nathan chuckled as he got out his phone to explain the situation to Natalie. As long as she understood that he did NOT want to be a woman, everything would be fine.

***

Natalie sat there puzzled as the message finished. Hearing it played back to her was even more bizarre than having said it.

“Nathan: Hey Natalie. Look, I know you were thinking about transitioning, you know becoming trans in that body. And as much as I respect that, I can't let you do it. I am a man, and have always been one. I will never be anything other than a man, and so I think you should respect that as well.

I know I can be confusing sometimes, hell I even confuse myself. But I can promise you right here that I never, in my life, ever wanted to be a woman. Not one part of my mind has any desire to be female, not one bit. Maybe I wanted to go back to your life for a bit, but that was just because your life was much better. It had nothing to do with being a woman.

I hope we can soon come together to find a good solution that works for both of us, because becoming a woman again is not going to work out. That’s all I have to say for now. Good bye.”

Shouldn't she be upset right now? Something wasn’t quite right.

Do men usually have to reassure others that they absolutely, positively, one hundred percent do NOT want to be a woman?

Maybe she shouldn’t have thought about convincing him, but it was just a thought. It was too bad that sharing a head meant not even your thoughts were private. Though, if there was one benefit to it, it was that she was able to pick up on things, little things, that Nathan wouldn’t have been able to on his own.

Nathan was full of self-hatred, and he was rarely happy. It was like he was always going through the motions of life, but never truly living. He was there, but he wasn’t fully THERE.

At first she thought he was just depressed, but recently she’d been thinking it was more complicated than him just being depressed. It was about the time when her mother told her that in this reality, Nathan cried when he was really little because he thought he was ugly, that she realized something was seriously up. And his thoughts only served to validate that.

But that wasn’t what tipped her off, nor was it the message. No, what tipped her off was a crucial detail about Nathan’s mental state that she had just begun to recognize. She didn’t notice it before, somehow it had slipped her mind. And it wasn’t a small detail, in fact it was quite huge now that she noticed.

Natalie hated every second she was stuck in this body, that was no secret. There was not a single thing about being a man that she liked. Even the previous upsides like extra strength now seemed like downsides, she felt like she could hurt someone really bad without trying. Every day her disgust, her anger, and her discomfort got worse.

And whenever she was Nathan, that discomfort DIDN’T STOP.

“Natalie: Do you remember our visit to our parents and Kate? Do you remember when I talked to them, Mom specifically? Do you remember what she said to me? She told me about you, and how in elementary school, you cried because you thought you were ugly. She said she tells that story every time you call yourself ugly. EVERY TIME.

Nathan, how many times has that happened? Why do you think you’re ugly?”

Nathan’s fingers rested on the volume buttons on the phone, rubbing them back and forth. He reached with his other hand and took a swig of that sweet cherry flavor of his potion.

Then he pressed the volume buttons and began speaking.

“Nathan: Look, you know how mothers are. They always exaggerate things, make everything sound worse than it actually is. I can promise you, everything is fine. I was a teenager back then, and… teenagers always have low self esteem. Well, maybe not all of them but a lot of them, it’s perfectly normal. It’s an awkward time for everybody, and besides, I haven’t thought I was ugly in a long time.

Have you ever thought you were ugly? I know you have. I caught this memory of yours from being you all this time. You were a freshman in high school, and being in the locker room that first cheerleading practice made you insecure and jealous. So you cried at home because you thought you were ugly, and then Mom came in and assured you that you are beautiful, and just as pretty as the other girls. She told you that negative thoughts like that just bring you down for no reason, and help no one. So you came in the next day with a better mood.

What? You don’t like me bringing that up? I bet you don’t. So don’t bring up some stupid shit about me thinking I was ugly when I was fucking seven to insinuate that I want to be a woman. I don’t, okay? I don’t want to be a woman. I am NOT a woman and never will be, so stop saying I am. I did not go through four fucking weeks of turning into fuck meat for the most disgusting man in the world just to be told that I wanted to be a woman all along, which Astian wouldn’t even have known about anyway! Do you think he wouldn’t have made me like being his girlfriend? He literally made me forget myself, he could’ve done fucking anything he wanted!

I am a man, do you understand? A male. Or do I have to repeat that five hundred more fucking times until you finally get it through your thick skull? I am not going to sit here and let you tell me that I’m some sort of fucking fag!”

Nathan immediately threw the phone at the wall, where it hit with a loud SMACK, then fell to the floor. He flinched at the noise, worrying he may have accidentally woken someone up. Standing up, he walked over and inspected the dent it created, feeling the chipped paint.

He saw himself in the mirror. His face was red, his breathing was heavy, and he swore he could see his fast heartbeat in his reflection.

He looked mad. A mad man who just yelled and cussed at a woman who tried to reach out to him. Like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

He called her fuck meat. The phone had recorded all of it.

The lump in his throat formed as his eyes began tearing up. He reached down to grab the phone, bringing it near his mouth again.

“I’m sorry Natalie, I- I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to call you that. You’re not fuck meat. I’m so sorry. That was really mean. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I lose control sometimes. It’s just… I mean, I don’t know if you’re right but you might be and that scares me. I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to feel like I’m resisting, but I don’t want to give in. It’s so hard.

…

You know, there was this one time, in my second year of college, where I was alone in my dorm room just doing some homework, then suddenly I was breathing heavy and on the floor. I didn’t know what was wrong but I couldn’t stop it. I felt like I was dying and… and I wanted it to stop. I didn’t know why my body was doing this and I hated it. I felt so ugly and it was like I was being crushed. I just wanted some help. I wanted to scream. I was dying.

…I guess drinking made me forget I was ugly.

When my body was changing, when Astian kept harassing me and pestering me. When he groped and grabbed me, I hated it. But I also wanted it. I don’t know, it was like something deep inside me wanted it and liked it. And that made me feel more disgusting than he ever could. If I really did want it, then how can I say what he did was wrong?

How can I even tell this is real? What if this is messing with my memories and making me remember things that didn’t happen? What if it’s just the magic acting up and making me want this? What if the magic is fucking with my memories too? I can’t trust anything, and I hate it.

I hate it so much.

…

I was so lonely. Astian was my only friend.

I trusted him.”

Nathan sniffed and stopped the recording, dropping his phone to the floor and his head to his hands. He rubbed at his eyes to try and contain the oncoming flood.

“I just want to be normal.” He whimpered between sobs.

He wanted to see Sara again. But he wanted it somewhere that felt real. He couldn’t bear the fakeness anymore.

He shakily reached out his hand to grab the potion bottle, taking his last sip of it before laying it down. He threw his face down on his bed and sobbed into the sheets, up until his tears ran dry.

On his night stand rested that potion bottle, fallen on its side, completely empty.

Nathan frowned as he took another walk through all the aisles of the store. It was probably the fifteenth or sixteenth time he’d done so. He knew he was wasting his lunch break, but he didn’t care, he just wanted to find Kira.

No matter how many times he looked, she wasn’t anywhere in the store.

He was alone today, evident from how Natalie wasn’t coming out either.

He probably shouldn’t have been as disappointed as he was, but he really wanted someone to talk to.

***

Nathan felt more defeated than tired when his shift ended. Kira never ended up showing, nor did Natalie. He was truly on his own today, and on one of the worst days for it.

He guessed these sorts of things just happened.

It wasn’t like he wanted much, he just wanted someone who could understand him, if even a little bit.

When he started the car for the drive back home, he decided to take a little detour first. He was in the mood to see some nature, it was a beautiful spring day after all. As he turned his car off the main road and into the back roads leading to the countryside, he took notice of the breeze sweeping through the trees. He opened the windows to feel it himself.

It was quite nice.

A couple of left turns later and he was right at the start of a wide trail cutting through a forest. Just from looking at it he could see how… weird it was. There was something almost mystical about the forest trail, as if it was otherworldly. The sunlight cutting through the trees almost made it look like the air was glowing, or maybe that was just the mist. He could hear birds chirping, but as far as he could tell there were no other people here. In fact, he hadn’t seen any people since he got off the main road, had none of the drivers taken notice of the giant back road just to their right?

Where was this place? It might’ve been an offshoot of the Appalachian Trail, but could something like that go this far in upstate New York?

It did look pretty though. Nathan parked his car and got out, beginning the long walk to wherever the trail ended. Maybe he’d find something really beautiful at the end, if there was one.

***

After a couple minutes Nathan found himself walking up a large hill. And about halfway up the hill, he finally saw what might have been causing the mist.

To his right, above the trees, he saw a waterfall in the distance. It wasn’t especially loud, but he could still hear the water hitting the rocks at the bottom, and he even felt the faint mist on his skin. It was large and wide too, which… couldn’t have been right. New York didn’t have any waterfalls like this, aside from Niagara Falls, but that was all the way up at the Canadian border.

He walked faster up the hill until he finally got to the top, where he hit a dead end. The trail expanded into a dirt and rock covered summit, shaped in what looked like a perfect circle. There was nothing to his front to stop him from falling, while a thick line of trees blocked every possible path behind. He had a much better view of the waterfall up here, and seeing it like this, he could confidently say that there was something beautiful at the end of the trail.

This could’ve easily been the eighth wonder of the world. It was so perfect it was almost as if it wasn’t…

He turned his back and saw Sara standing behind him.

…On Earth.

“You led me here, why?” Nathan asked her.

“You wanted to see me.” She answered. “Is this place real enough?”

Nathan took another look at his surroundings. On the tree right behind Sara he could see a squirrel climbing up the branches, just as it would in any other forest.

“It’ll do.” He said. “Where am I anyway?”

“There are places on Earth that are invisible to anyone who hasn’t been in our realm, or any realm like ours. Sort of like tiny portals scattered all across the planet, taking you to little pocket dimensions with an almost magical quality. You can tell when you’ve entered one, the atmosphere is so much different than on Earth”

“So I’m NOT on Earth?”

“Technically no, but you also kind of are at the same time. It’s hard to explain.”

“Don’t bother trying, I don’t really care.”

Sara snickered, coming to join Nathan as he took a seat against a tree trunk.

“I take it you know everything, right?”

“No actually I don’t. We’re not all knowing, remember?”

“Oh yeah, right.” Nathan replied, feeling stupid. “So much has happened, I’ve been losing track of so much shit.”

“Don’t worry, I get it.” Sara said. “So tell me, please, what’s on your mind?”

“Too many things, and too many people.”

“Oh?” Sara said, interested.

“Ever since I went through that portal as Natalie. Well actually it started before then, but it really started taking a hold after that, my mind split, sort of. I guess you could say I have Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder or whatever the hell it’s called.”

“So I’m guessing, sometimes you’re Nathan and sometimes you’re Natalie.”

“Pretty much.” Nathan confirmed. “Though to be specific, it’s my memories that change. I used to think my personality traits did too but I’m not so sure anymore. Sometimes I have all of Nathan’s memories from before the transformation. It’s his life I remember. That’s where I’m at right now, I’m Nathan. But other times I’m Natalie. It’s her life I remember, and all my memories from before my transformation are her’s. These switches are random, I can’t control them.”

“That is… certainly unusual.”

“Is it concerning?” Nathan asked.

“Not immediately so, I don’t think.” She answered. “I might have to ask someone though.”

“Wonderful.” He said bitterly.

Sara tapped her finger incessantly on the root beneath her. “Is it disorienting when you change?”

“It was at first, but I got used to it.”

“How much do you remember from being the other person, or mind, or… wow it’s hard to find the right word for this… personality?”

“Don’t worry about it, I have a hard time comprehending it too.” Nathan said. “But to answer your question… man it’s hard to explain. I remember everything I did as them. There’s never a moment where I switch and I’m suddenly like ‘where am I, what am I doing’. I remember everything they did as if I was the one doing it. I even remember their thoughts. But their memories are where I get rusty. I don’t think I can ever fully explain it, or even understand it, but I think… the other person needs to be actively thinking about something a lot in order for me to remember it, and how much ‘a lot’ is seems very open to interpretation. And even then, I still can’t remember those memories as if they’re mine, it’s someone else’s life. At least, up until recently. I think that’s the best way I can explain it.”

“Hold on, you said ‘up until recently’ right?” Sara asked. “Can you try and explain that?”

“Sure.” Nathan said. “Well… like I said, at the beginning, Natalie’s memories, or Nathan’s memories when I was her, were not mine, they didn’t feel like mine because I couldn’t recall actually doing those things myself. But recently, it’s like I can. Not all the time, but a good chunk. It’s like we’re getting more mixed together. Sometimes I don’t even know if I’m Nathan or Natalie. And I can remember certain… details about the other person’s life. Like, I know how to put on makeup and everything because I remember it from being Natalie. I also remember having… I remember Astian… well, you get the point.”

“I see…” Sara said. “Has there ever been a time when you have both sets of memories?”

“Maybe, I don’t know. Never while I’m aware of it, at least. One time I tried to force our memories together and it um…” He hesitated. “It didn’t work.” Looking down, he felt the hints of tears well in his eyes. “Memories, painful memories Natalie had to go through. She experienced them herself, and I had to live them a second time.”

Nathan’s mouth turned to a sad smile as he stared out at the waterfall. “You want to know the funniest thing about that night? I don’t even know why I wanted to go to that park. I must’ve looked demented.”

Sara stared at him blankly, taking a long pause before speaking up. “What did Natalie have to say about that?”

“She didn’t like it, obviously. Why would she? She already tried to kill herself and then she had to go through me trying to kill myself, all because of me.” He explained. “She hasn’t thought about it much, and I can’t blame her.”

“Is there a chance I can speak to her about it?”

“You already are.” He answered. “That’s the most frustrating thing about all this, I am Natalie, I know I am. But I’m also… not? I know we’re the same person, or supposed to be, but it’s like we’re different, but also kind of like we’re the same? It’s confusing, she feels the same way.”

“I’m sorry, it’s awful what you’ve been going through.” Sara said. “But… still, I’d like to talk to her sometime again. She was very upset the last time I saw her. Is she doing well?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t seen her all day.”

“No switches?”

“Not since yesterday. Longest I’ve been without one in a while. I swear the world wants me miserable… wants us miserable, I mean.”

Sara stared down at Nathan’s shaking hand, then nodded slowly. “How… badly is she doing?”

“I don’t know, it’s complicated.” He answered, his voice quivering. “Sh- she wants to be…” He took some deliberate breaths to calm down. “She wants to be transgender.”

“Pardon?”

“She… wants to transition into a woman. She really hates being a man.”

“Oh.” Sara cringed for a second. “I’m… not really surprised.”

“What do you mean you’re not surprised? You knew she’d hate it?”

Sara nodded sadly. “Most women aren’t able to adjust to being men. Almost every single one that has tried it has said the same thing, ‘I can’t do it’.”

Nathan’s stress turned to anger, and it built up within him fast as he raised his voice. “So you knew she’d be upset? Why’d you let her go back then?”

“I didn’t want her to go back.” Sara explained. “But I think, looking back, I did the right thing. Sometimes, the best thing for someone is to show them the full picture, even if it hurts them. She was so obsessed, she had to know what being you was like ”

“But you knew it would hurt her!”

“She had to see it. I was never going to abandon her.”

“You sure took a hell of a long time to come back then!”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Fuck you!” Nathan yelled, storming out of the summit. He thought he heard Sara try to call him back once, but his mind barely registered it. He was dead set on leaving.

He couldn’t believe Sara just left Natalie to suffer like that. She knew, she fucking KNEW she’d hate being a man, and she never checked in once. One month and no check ins, who the hell did she think she was? Did she ever think of her at all?

Nathan could feel his heart pumping fast, his body filled with adrenaline. To tell someone off like that felt good, he wondered why he didn’t do it more.

At least, it felt good at first.

It wore off soon, and it was fast when it did. Halfway down the hill, Nathan shut his eyes and took a deep breath, standing there as he felt Sara staring at him from above.

He felt a couple tears fall down his face and he wiped them away.

What a great look for him. Surely Natalie would appreciate how much he thought of her.

His face reddened and he turned back, walking back to the top with his head down.

“Are you okay?” Sara asked when he came up.

Nathan looked up at Sara like he was about to cry. “I just want to know what Natalie is feeling like right now.” He said. “I want to help her and I can’t.”

Sara pursed her lips, she needed some time to think. “Have you heard of dysphoria?” She asked.

“Dysphoria? Yes, that word sounds familiar.”

“That’s what Natalie is going through right now. To her, being a man might as well be torture. It’s horrible, she can’t stand it. If she doesn’t transition, she won’t be able to live.”

“I wish I knew what it felt like.” Nathan said, feeling sorry.

“I can try and explain it if you like. I’ve been stuck as a man before.” Sara offered.

“Yes, please do that.”

“Okay…” Sara paused for a bit. “It’s a bit hard to put into words, but… I guess I’d say it’s like, you’re just not there. Yeah, you’re present, but you’re not really living. Everything’s dull, like a grey cloud of nothingness is constantly making you miserable even when you’re supposed to be happy. It’s probably the worst form of depression I’ve ever experienced. You being ugly, you hating yourself, that’s all just normal. At some point you don’t even feel disgust anymore, I sure didn’t. I knew I was ugly, and that was it. I expected nothing else. And that scared me. Suicide was such a casual thought, the idea of making it to next year always seemed ridiculous. When your mind is dead, the idea of being literally dead doesn’t seem that bad in comparison. It has a way of draining the soul out of you, and that’s the worst part of it all. Does that help?”

Nathan stared back at Sara, silently, motionlessly. At first she wondered if something behind her had caught his eye, so she checked there, only to see nothing. She turned back, confused.

“Is something wrong?”

Nathan turned away from Sara, slowly walking further and further to the front of the summit, right before the edge. She grew worried as he stopped and looked into the sky.

“Some beautiful clouds up there.” He pointed up, laughing. “Have you seen that one? Looks like a penis.”

Sara laughed nervously along with him. Nathan smiled and laughed some more.

Then he suddenly collapsed and threw up over the edge.

Sara ran to him. “Oh my god! Are you okay?”

Now loudly dry heaving, Nathan couldn’t get out a response. Tears fell fast from his eyes.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s not real, it’s not real, it’s not real.” Nathan whispered repeatedly to himself.

Sara rubbed his back as he tried to wipe away the tears. He couldn’t do it, there were too many of them.

“I’m not, I’m not… I am not one of THEM.”

Sara pulled him away from the edge, laying him on the ground. He was so unbelievably pale, like he was drained of life.

“I’m sorry I didn’t check in earlier.” Sara said. “I should’ve. It was a stupid, dickish thing to do and I can’t say I’m sorry enough. You needed it.”

Nathan didn’t respond, he was still whimpering to himself words Sara could only barely make out.

“I’m not… it’s not true, it’s not.”

Sara put a hand on his stomach. “Deep breaths, Nathan, please. Don’t talk, breathe.”

Nathan hadn’t noticed he’d been hyperventilating, so much so that the edges of his vision were beginning to go black. Shit, he couldn’t pass out now. He shut his eyes, and forced his lungs to calm down. In, out, in, out, in, out. He tried to capture that rhythm as best he could.

“Nathan, what’s going on? When you say you’re not ‘one of them’, what do you mean?”

Nathan opened his eyes, his color gradually coming back as his breathing calmed down. He spoke, and when he did, thoughts and feelings that had been locked away at the back of his mind for years began to rear their head.

“No man… likes being a man. Men tolerate being men. A man who actually likes being a man is severely brain damaged. That’s how it is”

“Nathan, that’s not-”

“Yes it is! And everyone knows it. That’s why men are always playing female characters in video games, it’s why they… we like boobs and women’s bodies so much. We’re jealous. Men’s bodies are objectively revolting to actually have. But we power through it because we’re men and we’re not supposed to talk about it. I’m not giving in, I’m never giving in!”

“Nathan, I just… I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Nathan focused his eyes on Sara’s face, seeing her relieved he was actually focusing on something. “I don’t either.” He said.

Sara sighed, and gently brought him back up to a sitting position. She sat in front of him, and tried laughing to brighten his mood.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that a lot of what you said was nonsense. It doesn’t make any sense.”

Nathan didn’t laugh back, he just rubbed his eye and sniffed. “No, it doesn’t.” He conceded.

“I take it you’ve been feeling this way your whole life?” She asked.

“I’m… not sure. With what Astian did, how can I even trust it? How can I trust anything? This can all just be an effect of what he put inside my head. I may never have felt like this at all before the transformation. How can I ever know for sure?”

“Does it matter?”

Nathan didn’t answer.

“What are you planning to do?”

“I don’t know.” Nathan replied. “I don’t… want to give in.”

“What’s so bad about giving in?”

“I’m not a-” He hesitated. “Men are supposed to resist it, every other man-”

Sara cut him off. “No Nathan, they don’t. Men DON’T want to be women. Men don’t ‘resist urges’ to be women. It’s not normal. Have you ever asked another man if he ‘resists it’?”

“Not really, um… no.”

“Then how do you know it’s normal?”

Nathan was silent.

“What would it mean to give in?” Sara asked. “Would it mean becoming a woman?”

“No.” He said abruptly. “…I mean… no?” His confidence quickly evaporated.

“Maybe I should put it another way.” Sara said. “If Natalie decides to transition, will you let her do it? Would you be fine transitioning alongside her?”

Nathan started out at the waterfall, trying to imagine himself as a woman. Going out and living his life according to Natalie’s, and… perhaps his own wants and needs.

“I don’t know.” He answered. “If I do, it feels like I’d be validating Astian’s spell. Everything he did wouldn’t be as bad. I’d be accepting all the psychological torment and saying ‘I’m happy being a girl’. It feels kinda… it feels gross is what I’m trying to say, and it feels gross to think that because that’s Natalie I’m thinking about. And she’s so much more than what Astian did to her.”

“And you’re not?”

Nathan, again, was silent.

“Why don’t you think about that these next few days, okay? Think about Natalie transitioning, and how you’d feel about it.”

“Okay.” He said, his lip quivering and eyes filling with tears again. Sara offered her hand to lift him up.

“I’m sorry for everything going so poorly.” Sara told him as he sniffed and wiped his eyes incessantly. “Is there anything going well right now?”

He managed a snicker through his tears. “I met this girl, she’s beautiful. I feel like she understands me a lot. We’re actually going clubbing tomorrow.”

Sara grinned. “Oh really? Nathan Parker going to a club? Never thought I’d see the day.” She snorted. “But seriously, I’m really proud of you.”

“You sound like my Mom.” He said. “God, I have no idea what I’m supposed to wear, I might have to go out and buy something.”

“Oh, you’ll be fine.” She assured him. “Besides, you have Natalie to help you right?”

Natalie smiled with her. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he has a suitable outfit tomorrow.”

Sara seemed a bit taken aback. “Ah… I take it, a switch just occurred?”

Natalie sighed, nodding. “This is how they usually go. No warning, no signs, just an immediate turn.”

“It’s a bizarre thing to see. I couldn’t even tell anything was off looking at your face. Have you gotten that used to the disorientation?”

“I tolerate it.” She answered.

Sara’s smile fell. “You were hurting bad when I saw you last. Nathan told me you still are. How can you even manage living like that?”

“I might have to make some changes.”

“Will he let you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think he knows what he wants.”

“He definitely needs some help.” Sara said. “What about you? Have you been doing fine?”

“I don’t know, but…” Natalie’s face turned a sad smile as she gazed up at the sky. “I think I’ve been put in this world for a reason, I want to find out what that is.”

Sara stepped forward and embraced Natalie in a hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out sooner.”

“It’s okay.”

“I promise I’ll see you again, sometime soon.”

“And I’ll be happy to see you too.”

Sara wrapped her arms around Natalie tighter. “Good bye, Nat.”

And with that, Sara vanished. Nat suddenly found themselves alone on the summit, hugging nothing but themselves.

Nat smiled, they loved themselves.

***

That evening, after Nat returned to the apartment, another message was left recorded on their phone. For most of the night, they didn’t know who was in control, but just for that message, Natalie was able to take charge to say something to Nathan.

“Natalie: Kate Parker is a very smart young woman, you know that as well as I do. One night, I talked to her, and she told me something that’s stuck with me since.

‘If you keep obsessing over what’s real, you’ll drive yourself insane.’

You’re you, and you’re real, so everything about you is real too. How it came to be doesn’t matter.

That woman said that to you too, and sometimes I worry you forgot. I hope you can remember it.”

No, Nathan wasn’t crazy. To say he was WOULD be crazy. He was a very well adjusted man.

He was just frantically scouring the internet for any evidence of magic being real.

The part of him that still wanted to be rational was thinking “of course magic isn’t real, that’s ridiculous, you’re being ridiculous”. And he was being ridiculous, magic was not something that existed in the real world, and it certainly wasn’t something that sensible, level-headed adults believed in.

The much larger part of him was screaming that when he woke up, his hair wasn’t just down to his shoulders, it was STYLED differently.

He was forced to admit the hairstyle looked very nice, maybe even pretty if it was on a woman. But that was the thing, it was a woman’s style, not a man’s.

But when he looked in the mirror, he had to concede it looked pretty fitting on him. That was because, for the most part, he just looked like a woman now. Sure, he still had his penis and testicles, which had definitely gotten smaller in the past three weeks, and his chest hadn’t exactly “filled out”... yet. It could still only really be described as “swollen”. But the rest of his body was undeniably feminine. Hell, the last time he was next to Astian, he found that he had gotten even shorter. He was a full head shorter than him now, the top of his head touching the bottom of his chin.

And he could only tell that because of the part of him that liked being around Astian. That ever growing, terrifying part that really liked being close to him. The closer, the better.

He didn’t want Astian to hug and hold him. He didn’t want Astian to kiss him. But sometimes he daydreamed about it, and he couldn’t stop when he did.

He loved those daydreams. But he didn’t want to love them.

His frantic internet search may have just been to calm him down, and if it was, it didn’t do a very good job. He found nothing, except a few videos with a title along the lines of “REAL TIME TRAVELER CAUGHT ON VIDEO”. If magic was real, then someone out there was doing a great job of containing it. Maybe they had a spell that directed every forum post or video showing magic to them, so they could delete it. Maybe the internet automatically rejected any post or video about magic. It could be anything.

Either way, the result was the same, Nathan was fucked and on his own.

That is if magic was real, he could just be having a major psychotic break making him think he’s becoming a woman. Or maybe he was always a woman and he was coming out of a psychotic break making him think he was a man.

Okay, he needed to stop speculating. Speculating led to bad thoughts like that.

He should shower instead, it was getting late. A shower could calm him down, right? It had worked before.

He went to the bathroom and saw his face in the mirror again. And when he did, he noticed another detail he missed before.

His eyebrows were much thinner and nicer looking than before. He didn’t know what the exact word for it was, but he looked like he had them “done”, whatever that meant.

He sighed, hearing his voice for the first time in hours. It was the only thing left about him that hadn’t changed at all, thankfully. But with how the rest of his body was, that probably wouldn’t last much longer.

The shower did feel nice. He was really coming to like how the hot water felt on his new, soft skin. That wasn’t the only thing he liked either, as when his hands kept feeling around his body, he noticed just how fit he was. It wasn’t the first time he noticed, but it was never more apparent than it was then. He wasn’t buff, not remotely. His arms were thinner than before and didn’t look like they had any muscle. But his body felt graceful, limber, even elegant, especially with his new hourglass figure. Moving around felt WAY better than it did three weeks ago. He hadn’t realized how shit him getting fatter was making him feel.

He should really keep this up and work out more.

He did feel a lot of hair as he cleaned his body though. It’d been a few days since he shaved. He should get on that again.

He reached out for a razor, which…

Wait, why was there a razor in here?

He held the light blue razor up, puzzled. This wasn’t here before. Hold on, what had he been cleaning himself with anyway?

He looked to the shower shelves and realized he’d been washing his body with feminine looking and smelling soaps and shampoo. He’d even used the conditioner. He didn’t recognize the products, where did all the girly stuff come from? Was it Astian’s?

Actually, it was probably his sister’s.

He figured he might as well make good use of it so long as it’s here. He hoped Astian’s sister wouldn’t mind him using her products.

Little by little, all the hairs on his body were cut off, falling down the drain. It was immensely satisfying, and once he was done, he felt around his skin and relished how smooth it was. He needed to do this more often.

When he got into bed that night, he felt so clean. He loved it so much he almost forgot what he was so upset about.

Something about Astian… Astian was so nice. Nathan really wanted to lay in bed with him, feeling his arms around him. Astian was like a bed himself, keeping him safe and warm. Even just imagining cuddling with him made Nathan feel aroused, and his penis began to stir.

A smile crept onto his face.

There was a small part of him, at the back of his mind, screaming that this was wrong, that he was going mad, and that he needed to keep focus.

But the rest of Nathan was too tired to care.

***

Natalie had a smile on her face as she slept. She loved Astian so much. In her mind, she pictured him on top of her in the bed, moving his hands through her body, caressing her, kissing her, and… taking off her clothes.

She suddenly stood up in bed, breathing heavily, frantically running her hands through her head and hair as if to shake off a bug infestation. Her hands wrapped around her chest, trying to stave off the hideous feeling she had in her gut.

The revulsion.

That’s all she felt when she thought of Astian, revulsion.

She came into a fetal position and cried. As much as she hated him, the hold he held over her was overwhelming. He wasn’t even there and he still had so much control.

She wanted it to stop, she wanted him out of her mind.

She didn’t care if Kira didn’t like her back, she didn’t care if nothing ever happened between them. She didn’t care that she liked her that way anymore.

She just wanted Astian gone.

The sun was up, work was in thirty minutes, and her bladder was close to bursting. But Natalie did not get up from the bed. Mentally, she was just too exhausted, from Astian, from Kira, from Nathan, and from herself. She was tired of life.

She found herself dreading the night after work. Why did she agree to go out clubbing with Kira? Kira didn’t love her back, and Natalie shouldn’t have been loving her at all. She was only setting herself up for disappointment. “Friends can go clubbing” is not something that works when your mind is forcing you to crush on someone. Besides, Kira wasn’t going to drive Astian out of her mind.

Would she?

No, definitely not.

She sighed and picked up her phone. Twenty-five minutes until she had to leave. Her bladder was basically at the seams now.

She closed her eyes and brought her phone down to her stomach, breathing deeply.

Today was going to be a long day.

***

It took her another five minutes before she finally went to the bathroom and began getting ready. Doing the daily process sort of helped, by the time she was in her car she was back at her usual crappy morning mood, an improvement compared to before.

On her way to work she passed by a nightclub, the same one she went so many times to as Natalie. Even just a brief glance from the corner of the eye filled her mind with memories of dancing in extravagant outfits.

Another item on the ever increasing list of things she missed about being a woman: feeling sexy. She never really felt sexy as a man. And like a lot of things lately, she never realized just how much she liked it until it was ripped away from her.

She managed to put that out of her mind long enough to make it to Home Depot. Time to get this shift over with, then she has the weekend to herself. Hopefully she could have another talk with Sara. There were a LOT of things they needed to discuss.

For now, she was just going to go up to Kira, tell her she had other plans preventing her from going clubbing, and apologize for the inconvenience. It was what was best for both of them. The sooner she ripped this band-aid off, the better.

Hopefully she was here today.

Natalie walked through the front doors of Home Depot, went to the paint department, and with a sigh of relief, she saw Kira standing there, all decked out in her uniform and violet hair. Natalie’s gaze got stuck on her eyes when she turned around. Her eyeliner was really pretty today…

“Oh hey Nathan.” She said. “Sorry I wasn’t here yesterday, something came up. More family drama, rather not talk about it.”

“Uh… yeah…”

“Hey, are you okay?” Kira asked, sounding concerned. “You look a little pale.”

“I do?” Natalie asked nervously. “I mean… that’s not important. You’re not my Mom.”

Kira huffed at that. “Where would the world be if we didn’t have more people acting like your Mom and worrying about your safety? Now, is something wrong? You can tell me if you want.”

Natalie gulped. “I… um…” She hesitated, her eyes darting back and forth from the clock to Kira.

“I…” Natalie started. “…Just wanted to say I’m very excited for the club tonight and I-I can’t wait to go there tonight!”

Kira squinted her eyebrows, clearly confused. Natalie almost forced a smile, but decided not to. It’d probably make her look psychotic.

Natalie was about to turn away to hide in the bathroom, but behind her, Kira tilted her head, just a bit, and said “you know you don’t have to go if you don’t want to”.

Natalie stopped, closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths to calm her heartbeat. She slowly turned around and walked back to her.

“I guess I’m not as slick as I thought.” Natalie snorted.

“You weren’t.” Kira affirmed. “Are you really having second thoughts about it? It’s fine if you are, I won’t mind.”

“No it’s just…” Natalie paused, trying to gather her thoughts. “I guess I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking lately. And I… don’t know if I should go?”

“There’s that word again, should.” Kira remarked.

“What about it?”

“I remember you telling me you’ve been doing a lot of things because you think you have to, but you weren’t thinking about what you want. So, tell me, if you stop thinking about if you SHOULD come clubbing with me, what do you WANT?”

“I…” Natalie had to think. What did she want? She wanted Astian out of her mind, she wanted to be a woman again, and she wanted to stop loving Kira, all things that pointed to her not going clubbing as a man with the woman she was clearly attracted to. She knew that would only make things worse.

…How did she know that?

She looked to the floor with the same squinted eyebrows Kira had on her face earlier. She… may have been doing a little too much guessing there. She couldnt know for sure if the club would be bad for her, not unless she went.

And… she really did want to go.

She looked back to Kira’s face, and saw that beautiful, vibrant violet hair again. She looked back to her eyes, once more seeing how pretty they were.

And she realized, what the hell was she doing? She was in this world for a reason, and that reason was not to run away from life. She was not about to let anyone down, not Kira, not Nathan, not herself.

“I’ll go.” Natalie said, confident. “I want it.”

Kira looked at Natalie with a hint of skepticism. “You’re sure of it?”

“Why would I lie?”

Kira smiled, giving her a nod. “Alright. I… guess we’ll be meeting after work today?”

“Won’t we be getting lunch together?”

Kira snorted. “Right, thanks for reminding me. We’ll meet at lunch.”

Nathan smiled and nodded back. “Yes, that sounds… great. I can’t wait.”

Nathan and Kira went to a different diner for lunch this time. It wasn’t like anything in particular stood out about it though, a lot of diners just sort of meshed together. The most unique thing about this one was the light 50s theming, mainly from the abundance of Elvis songs being played on the speakers. Clearly the owner of this place was a big fan.

The repetitive song choices barely registered to Nathan though. He was stuck in a trance, thinking of almost nothing except Kira. His trance was so strong that he couldn’t quite recall how he got into a conversation about his gender. Whatever it was Kira asked that started it, shook him out of his daze enough for fear to seep into his mind again.

He didn’t want to discuss it, he didn’t even like thinking about it.

But if Natalie could rip off her bandaid, he could rip off his.

“I don’t know what I feel like, if that’s what you’re wondering.” He said. “I know people often say things like ‘I feel like a man’ or ‘I feel like a woman’ but I don’t really feel those sorts of things. It’s a hard thing to put into words.”

Kira leaned it a bit closer to him. “Does this mean you’re-”

“Transgender?” Nathan finished for her. “I have no idea. I guess I should say I’m ‘open to experimentation’.” He paused, his hand starting that familiar motion of tapping each of his fingers to his thumb. “There’s a… well, part of me that will probably decide the nitty gritty of it. I’ll go along with what she does.”

Kira chuckled and Nathan’s face went red.

“Oh, I guess I said ‘she’.” He said. “Fuck.”

“It’s okay.” She laughed. “I like your approach. I do want to know what you mean by ‘nitty gritty’, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, well… I guess that’s the hormones and surgeries and name change and all that. Plus a new wardrobe.” He said. “God just saying all that, it sounds so expensive.”

“Everything’s expensive these days.” Kira lamented. “I swear sometimes this country is out to kill us.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling.” Nathan said back. “Wow, I… feel a lot better. Huge weight off my chest.”

“Well, if you start those hormones, you better get ready to get some huge weight ON your chest.” Kira said slyly. “I’m sorry, that was horrible.”

It was such a stupid joke, Nathan had no idea why he couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t worry, I think my standards for comedy have gotten real low lately.”

“God, I’ve turned into my Dad.” Kira said, almost disappointed. “I guess it could be worse, I could’ve turned into Jerry Seinfeld.”

Nathan had to cover his mouth to keep his laughing down. He really hoped no one was looking at him. The joke wasn’t even that funny, he was just in that much of a good mood today.

His trance returned as their conversation went on. By the time lunch ended, he had already forgotten most of what they talked about. His mind had become so fixated on what was going to happen later that night.

This was going to be a night to remember, he was sure of it.

***

When the clock finally signalled the end of his shift, Nathan was all but ready to throw himself in his car for the ride home. But he waited until he saw Kira come up, and hand him a piece of paper.

“Meet you there at 7.” She said. “Don’t be late.”

She smiled at him as she walked away. Nathan could’ve sworn she winked at him, but that was probably just his imagination. Either way, he stared at the paper in his hand, reading its contents over and over again.

Same nightclub he went to so often as Natalie, and he only had so much time before he had to get ready for it.

Holy shit, he was actually doing this.

As he walked back to his car, his emotions felt like they’d all meshed together into some incomprehensible blur. Was he afraid? Doubtful? Excited? He was probably all three, and certainly way over his head.

He held a mostly blank expression on his face as he drove home, which continued as he passed by that nightclub. In a few hours he’d be in there, dancing to music that was way too loud alongside people who were way too drunk. Having the kind of hellish, chaotic fun that would leave a mark. This wasn’t just fun, these were thrills.

He hadn’t noticed he suddenly started breathing heavily.

He forced himself to calm down as he drove his car into his apartment parking lot. He took a little longer getting to his door today. He just had too much on his mind.

He shut the door to his apartment and slowly made his way to the bathroom, checking himself in the mirror. This was one of his better looking days. Well groomed, good posture, and his eyes nearly looked alive. If there was any day for him to go out to the club, this was definitely the day.

He laid down his arms on the sink, one across from the other, and leaned in closer.

“This is a good thing.” He thought to himself. “It’s good to try new things. I’ve gone to the club as Natalie before, I’ll be fine.”

Surprisingly, that mostly worked. He confirmed for himself that he was only a little nervous, and not on the verge of having a panic attack and collapsing. This was all normal, routine stuff. He was going to have a lot of fun today, that’s what mattered.

Still, there was one thing that hadn’t stopped worrying him.

He liked Kira. Natalie liked Kira.

She loved her.

Natalie stared into the reflection of her eyes. She remembered the saying, “the eyes are the window into the soul”, and she wasn’t sure if what she was seeing was just metaphorical bullshit or something she was tricking herself into thinking was there, but when she saw her eyes, she saw the eyes of a woman who loved another woman. The eyes of a woman who always loved women, but could never admit it.

Loving another woman was shameful, as she always knew growing up. In a hick town like her old one, a boy would never be caught loving another boy, nor would a girl ever be caught loving another girl. If they were caught, they might not lose all their social standing, but they’d for sure forever be cast off as a “weirdo”, someone to avoid. A target meant to be mocked.

Things like teen drama and high school popularity seem so stupid and pointless now. But no matter what she felt as an adult, there was a time when that was her whole world. When you’re a teenager, school is like a second home, one you spend nearly half your life in. It’s where you have to be, and the other students are who you have to be with. That’s the world you have to navigate. For so much of your life, it’s the only world you know. Losing your social standing feels like the end of the world as a teenager because in a way, it kind of is.

But she was an adult now. None of that should matter anymore. Why did it feel like it still mattered?

In her head she could still hear the voices of the bullies, mocking her, belittling her, all because they thought she was a lesbian. Natalie angrily retorted back that she wasn’t a lesbian, and so it was wrong to bully her. As a 13 year old she wouldn’t have known it, but looking back on it now she saw that she was, in a way, validating the bullies. She was ceding to their point that if she was a lesbian, she’d deserve to be mocked. She’d deserve all the name calling and harassment. But she was straight, so she didn’t.

And now just look at her, she was head over heels for another woman. She wanted to say it was because Nathan and her were getting all meshed together in the head, and maybe they were.

But she couldn’t deny the fact that when she was in middle school, she really was attracted to her main bully.

She sighed. What was the point in denying it anymore? She liked women, she always had.

“I like women.” She said to herself in the mirror. “I always have, I’m in love with another woman.”

After she said that, she felt a small sense of pride start to build within her. That felt… kinda good actually. It was like what Nathan said before, it was relieving to have such a huge weight lifted off your chest. But this was more than that. This was like finally unleashing some deep seated repressed part of yourself buried deep within your mind.

It was almost… liberating.

Natalie grinned and said again, “I like women”. Then again, “I like women”. And again, and again until eventually she was saying “I love women”.

She wasn’t admitting it anymore, she was OWNING it. The voices of old bullies had been drowned out by her pride. Wow! No wonder “coming out of the closet” was such a big deal, this felt amazing! Compared to now, she was barely alive before.

She did have to ask the question of if she was still attracted to men. She probably was, but she’d need some time to be comfortable with it again.

Astian had broken her.

Coming down from a high, her mind reminded her to be realistic. Kira still probably didn’t love her back, and she probably wasn’t going to take her home. But that was okay, she was over that now. If she could just have one night like this one, it’d be worth it.

And who knows, maybe Kira would dance with her.

She looked back to the mirror with a smile, then out the window and to the sky. She just knew the stars would be beautiful tonight.

Elise was making her way to the front door of Devin’s house. Her parents knew she was going to his house, but they didn’t know his parents weren’t there. She didn’t tell them that part, since they probably wouldn’t have let her go otherwise.

As she approached his house, she knew that she would need to keep a close eye on Devin. She may not have been the most observant person in the world, but she wasn’t blind. Something was clearly happening to him.

Devin had been refusing any physical contact for months now, and she never saw him without a sweatshirt on. Even in the last few days of the school year, when it was really hot, he was refusing to take the sweatshirt off. Lately he was looking very apprehensive, and he always had his guard up. She wasn’t the only one who noticed either, plenty of people around the school had been picking up on his weird behavior. Like the fact that he was getting very clumsy and was bumping into things all the time, or the fact that his skin had been looking different. She tried to ignore it before, but couldn’t anymore. Something was wrong with him, and she wanted to know what it was.

She had remembered a lot of awkward interactions throughout the past few months.

***

Devin walked into the classroom, bumping into the wall before coming in. He almost dropped his stuff before he took the seat next to Elise and smiled at her.

“It’s pretty warm out, are you sure you want to wear that?” Elise asked him.

“It’s no problem. I like wearing hoodies.” Devin replied.

“But it’s 80 degrees out.” Elise told him.

“Again, it’s no problem.” Devin said.

She raised her eyebrow in confusion at him before she got her mind off it.

***

Elise saw Devin walking to his lunch table when Ryan came and looked like he was about to slap his chest. Devin quickly put his hands up to guard his chest and gave off a genuinely terrified look.

“Woah man.” Ryan said. “Is everything alright? It was just a little greeting.”

“Yeah.” Devin said. “I just… freaked out. I don’t know why.”

“Well, I’m sorry then.”

Devin and Ryan walked toward Elise at the table, but Devin still guarded his chest and didn’t put his hands down for a while.

***

Amanda turned toward Elise. “Hey.” She said. “Don’t you think Devin looks different?”

“Huh?” Elise said back. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean, he’s your boyfriend. Shouldn’t you notice these things?”

“I guess so.”

“Yeah. Why does he never take that sweatshirt off?” Amanda asked. “It’s May.”

“He says he doesn’t want to.” Elise answered.

“But it’s so hot out!” She responded. “Is he sick or something? I think he might be.”

“What do you mean?” Elise asked.

“Elise, look at this picture of you two last September, and look at this picture of you two yesterday. You can tell he looks different.”

Elise looked at the two pictures and was nearly stunned. She hadn’t noticed before but looking at it like this, he clearly looked different. He was much paler and his face was all weird. She couldn’t quite describe it but it just looked different.

“I’d keep an eye on him. I really think he might be sick.” Amanda said.

***

Devin was walking Elise down to her car at the end of the school day. After what Amanda had told her she made sure to get a really good look at Devin. And she couldn’t deny it anymore. He looked different.

As Devin got her to her car, he almost tripped a few times, and even bumped into her car when they got there.

“Is everything okay?” She asked.

“Yeah.” Devin answered.

“You just, you’ve been clumsy lately.” She said with concern in her voice.

“Oh I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Elise looked at Devin with worry before wrapping him in a hug. He was caught off guard but unlike other times he allowed it to happen. But he still put himself in a very awkward position and seemed to avoid as much physical contact as possible.

While Elise was in the hug, she was able to feel his skin, or what little of it he allowed to show in his sweatshirts. It was a shocking sensation to her, mainly because she felt that his skin was even smoother and softer than hers. It was admittedly very nice looking but it was just another thing confirming that something was wrong with him.

“Well, I should head off then.” Devin said.

He gave Elise a kiss on the cheek before leaving for his car.

***

Elise did want to hang out with Devin, but she also really wanted to pay attention to him. Mainly to see if anything weird was going on with him.

She saw the door open, and then saw Devin greet her, still wearing the same baggy clothes he always did. Elise had to stop herself from gasping. He didn’t even have a trace of facial hair, and not only that, but his hair looked to be in a pixie cut, a style a short haired woman might have. She was able to keep this reaction to herself for the most part, but she’d definitely have to investigate later.

“Hey Elise.” He said. “Real glad you could make it.”

“Yeah.” She replied. “So are your parents really not home?”

“Won’t be until next week.” He answered. “A god send really. I need some time away from them.”

“I understand that.” Elise answered.

As Elise walked into the house, she wondered if his parents could have any answers as to whatever’s happening to him. Surely they’d know something was up, right? She’d have to ask them after they came back, if she didn’t find out before then.

Meanwhile, Devin’s head was in complete chaos. He didn’t show it, he’d been able to play it off cool for a long time, but right now a real battle was happening inside his head. Sierra was begging to come out. To finally reveal herself to Elise. Sierra even demanded to get the pixie cut, thinking it would look cute.

It was summer vacation, and there was only one more year before graduation. Sierra wanted to finally come out and live, to have one full year with Elise and possibly more if things worked out in college, but Devin didn’t want her to. Sierra thought herself and Elise would make a great lesbian couple, but Devin was still too ashamed of Sierra to let her come out. And he was just way too scared to do so as well. He was scared of many things involving Sierra coming out, but he was especially scared of Elise thinking he was a freak, a pervert, or a “tranny faggot” and then leaving him. He knew he’d become the laughing stock of the school if Sierra came out, but that was nothing compared to the thought of having Elise leave him. It was too painful to think about. Besides, did Elise even like girls? Devin wasn’t sure. He couldn’t ask her, obviously. Elise wasn’t an idiot, and that question would just give away what’s happening.

“So…” Elise asked. “Is everything going alright?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Devin responded. “Been going to a few colleges lately. I’m visiting my third one next week.”

“That’s good.” Elise said back. “But I was wondering if you’re doing alright. You’ve been worrying me lately.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“You’ve just been acting odd. At least, you don’t seem to be bumping into everything all the time anymore.”

Devin chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah… I don’t know what that was about.”

Of course, Devin knew what that was about. The hormones had shifted his body weight quite a bit, and his center of gravity was lower than what he was used to. Adjusting was pretty hard, especially when he was trying to hide all his changes. The result was him getting very clumsy and bumping into everything. He had mostly adjusted to it at this point though.

As they were talking, Sierra got a really insane idea. She wanted to go out. Maybe to a restaurant or mall or something, and see if others would gender her female. She didn’t have facial hair right now. Devin knew this idea was dangerous, but it was so hard to resist temptation. He was around the other people in school all the time, so they would of course gender him male because they knew him. But people seeing him for the first time were a mystery. Would they see him as a girl? Sierra was begging to know.

Devin tried to fight. If strangers were gendering him female, it would definitely give away what’s happening to Elise. At the very least it’d be awkward. Try as he may, Sierra won.

“Do you want to go out?” He asked Elise.

“Sure.”

“Idiot”, “Dumbass”, “Piece of Shit”, “Pathetic Loser” were the phrases going through Devin’s mind. He was going to go out with his girlfriend while looking like this. People would gender him female and she’d instantly know what was going on.

“Oh so now you think you pass huh?” His mind said. Was Devin actually stupid enough to think he passed as a woman? He really was full of himself. A very male characteristic, he thought. With this line of thinking, he could never be a woman. But that was okay right? He wasn’t a woman. He wasn’t supposed to be one. And he especially shouldn’t be giddy at the thought of people thinking he was.

“I’m a sick fuck.” Devin thought to himself.

“Why don’t I drive?” Elise said. “We could hit the mall or something.”

“That’s fine.” Devin responded. He internally grimaced. His voice was way too low, way too MALE for him to pass as a woman. People would hear it and instantly know he was a man. He was disgusted, no SHE was disgusted by it. Sierra was the one who was already demanding to start some kind of voice training regimen. Devin did not want to be a woman. He was not transgender. He was DEFINITELY not transgender.

Devin and Elise got into Elise’s car. As Elise started driving, she glanced over to Devin. He looked depressed, and gloomy. It’s true that Devin was never the most outgoing person out there, but lately he had just been very quiet and downcast. He said very little these past few months, and it seemed as if he was actively avoiding conversations. She was worried. She was afraid to think about what he could do to himself if he didn’t get help.

As they were driving, Elise didn’t even attempt to make conversation with Devin. She just tried to focus on driving. Maybe he just needed some time to reflect on… whatever it was he seemed to be reflecting on.

"If you look like a girl, dress like a girl and act like a girl, most people will see you as a girl — and only a girl."

Devin thought about that quote. When he was 14 he must have read through “For a Girl” like 3 times. Was it really that easy? Would people really see him as a girl if he put effort into looking like one?

He chuckled to himself. If he had to put effort into looking like a girl, then people wouldn’t see him as one. So it wasn’t even worth considering.

“But the people at school see you every day.” Sierra said in his mind. “They know who you are, so they would see you as a guy. But what if you run into new people that have never seen you before, and they see you as a girl?”

Sierra sure was insistent on finding any positive outing. Maybe they would see him as a girl. But if they found out he was transgender, then everything would change. They’d definitely treat him differently. There was no escape for him.

Of course, it’s not like he wanted to be a girl, that was Sierra. She was the one who was wishing it was as easy as “For a Girl” portrayed it. Of course, it wasn’t. Stephanie Lind wasn’t a real person. She was a character in a story written nearly two decades ago. A story where the US government pays for facilities to teach people how to be women. Devin laughed at the thought. There was no way the US government would pay for something like that in real life. Especially not after how they dealt with AIDS.

It was a long, quiet drive. Devin was too busy wallowing in his own despair to think about making conversation, and Elise didn’t want to try talking to him until they got to the mall. Eventually, after about forty minutes, they made it there. Elise checked the time. 10:00. It was still pretty early, and they definitely had a lot of time to kill.

“Well, we’re here now.” Elise said. “Is there anywhere in particular you would like to go to?”

Devin snapped out of his trance and turned to Elise. “Uh… I’m not sure. Maybe we could, I don’t know, walk around and see how we feel?”

“Alright.” She said.

Elise and Devin got out of the car when Devin suddenly became extremely nervous. He couldn’t stop himself from shaking. He was going out looking like this. Would people see him as a girl? He grimaced at the thought of people calling him “miss” and “ma’am” while his girlfriend slowly found out what was wrong with him. What would she think? She would probably hate him and think he’s a gross pervert. Elise was so nice. She didn’t deserve to have her boyfriend turn himself into a woman without telling her. He was being so horrible to her.

But that wasn’t even what disturbed him the most. What disturbed him the most was the thought of people still gendering him male even after months of hormonal therapy. Basically showing that what he was doing was useless and he should just give up.

“Hey are you okay?” Elise asked him.

Devin hesitated before saying “Yes”.

“Do you need to take that sweatshirt off?”

“No I- I’m good.”

“Okay.” Elise responded. She obviously knew he was not okay but she didn’t want to pester him about it.

Elise began walking toward the giant mall, and Devin hesitantly followed. It was pretty hot outside, and he did want to take his sweatshirt off, but if he did then people would see his chest.

Devin and Elise walked into the giant building. Devin did thankfully feel cooler once they were inside, so luckily he wouldn’t overheat, pass out, and then have Elise take off his sweatshirt. He shuddered at what she would think if she saw what was underneath.

“Hey do you want to eat something?” Elise asked him. “I didn’t have breakfast.”

“Oh that’s fine.” Devin answered. “I actually didn’t eat breakfast either.”

As the two walked to a food court, Devin looked around. He didn’t see anyone looking at him oddly. He was a bit relieved by this but he still got the nagging feeling that that was because people were seeing him as a normal man. Was that what he wanted? He wanted that to be what he wanted but deep down he knew that it wasn’t.

Elise and Devin went up to order their food. Devin didn’t want to speak, because then he knew people would gender him male, but he had to anyway.

“Hi.” The employee said. “What would you two young ladies like today?”

8 Months Earlier

“Come on Devin, we’re going to be late!” Elise yelled.

Devin ran from his mirror and quickly got to the car. He had specifically picked his suit based on Elise’s wishes. He had never been to a homecoming dance before, and probably would’ve blown off finding an outfit if it weren’t for her. He wanted to make this night very special for her. He wasn’t going to let Elise down, no matter what mental crisis he was in.

“Sorry I was just…” Devin started. “Never mind, we better get going. You look stunning by the way.”

“Oh, stop it.” Elise responded playfully.

Devin smiled. He had really gone out of his way to compliment and praise the dress she had picked out. It looked so beautiful, and he was so enthralled by it. It looked so good on her. The way it complimented her figure was almost magical. He couldn’t help but wonder; what would he look like in a dress like that? Would he be as beautiful as her?

And now his mind was back to what was keeping him from coming for so long. These kinds of thoughts had been invading his mind for a while now, his whole life actually. He remembered being five years old and wondering what it would be like to have long hair. He never paid much attention to them. He was five after all, and he assumed at the time that all boys felt that way.

As he got older he realized that wasn’t the case.

Apparently boys didn’t typically wonder what wearing girl’s clothes would be like. And most of them didn’t find the thought of wearing them very appealing. To Devin this discovery broke his mind. He didn’t tell anyone about it. He kept all this to himself.

When puberty hit, it seemed as if Devin was in some kind of negative trance. It was as if no matter what he did, he could never be truly happy or fulfilled. Every single moment was clouded by some kind of dark fog. It was hard to think of his life as his own.

Essentially he was on autopilot. Nothing made him feel anything. Even when he masterbated every day, he didn’t really feel anything. It was more just a way for him to satiate his addiction. It was pitiful really. Maybe a few seconds of bliss and then it was back to nothingness.

When Elise came into his life, he could almost feel something. The love he had for her was real. And he wanted to be the best boyfriend he could possibly be. When he was around her, he felt complete… almost.

Something was missing.

And he knew it the more he gazed at her. For some reason, some part of him was jealous of her. Jealous of her dress, and jealous of how beautiful she looked. He didn’t know why he was having these thoughts.

And yet, at the same time, he did.

Devin had a thing for gender benders. He learned that after watching Ranma 1/2 for the first time when he was 12. He was enthralled by them. They really connected to him.

And so when he found Fictionmania when he was 13, it instantly became a new hobby for him.

A bunch of, frankly really weird stories about men becoming women in some way. Sometimes by being blackmailed into wearing women’s clothes and being dominated, other times by magic or some other mysterious force. He loved reading them, and they instantly replaced typical video recorded porn. A video of two people fucking didn’t do much for him, but reading about how some guy is forced to be a girl really got to him.

TG Storytime replaced Fictionmania for him, mainly due to how it didn’t look like a website stuck in the 90s. Unfortunately the site did reveal some of its rougher edges earlier in the year but that wasn’t important right now.

Throughout all his years of reading TG fiction, he had picked up on all the common trends of it. Men transform into women against their will. They never change back. Female to male transformations are much rarer, and also much less permanent. They tend to be resolved more often than not. The characters transforming also tend to be rather young. As a rule of thumb he found that it was rare to see any character 30 and older transform, provided they don’t also regress in age.

These were more general trends of course, it wasn’t like all these stories were exactly the same. But whatever ridiculous theme and premise a story threw at him, he still ate it up. Of course, if he was so into these stories then perhaps it was because… no, he didn’t want to go there.

He felt disgusted by himself. Was he actually jealous of a girl wearing a dress? Did girls even like wearing dresses for events like these? Do they actually like looking pretty? He didn’t know and was too afraid to ask. They probably didn’t. It was a lot of work and they were pressured to do this. It had to be a chore for them. And he was jealous. He actually wanted to wear a dress. He was a sick, sick person.

When they got to the school, Devin did his best to act nonchalant and he did a fairly good job. He was still going through a bit of a mental crisis, but he was able to suppress it. He did finally kiss Elise, and it felt amazing. It was a great night for her and also for him. Mostly, at least.

It was when he caught a glimpse of a lesbian couple dancing together that he instantly felt a pang of jealousy. He wanted what they had. And he couldn’t deny it. He wanted to be… Elise’s girlfriend.

The thought disgusted him to his core. He wanted to be a girlfriend. A girlfriend to someone who may not even like girls that way.

After the night was over and he went home, he sat down and stared at the mirror again. He hated looking at himself, but he simply had to. Now that no one was watching, he could finally stop the act and look as depressed as he was.

He was disgusting. He had let this fetish of his take over his actual life. And now he was imagining himself as a girl. He was becoming jealous of them. This obsession had to end.

At the same time, a realization hit him. If he was going to be a man, then he’d grow up looking like his father. In all his masculine glory.

He felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t look like that. And it wasn’t like his parents wouldn’t try to stop him from getting treatment every chance they could. It can be a long, tedious process to get there, and he couldn’t afford the wait.

No emotion but fear was in his mind as he went online and searched for T-Blockers and Estrogen. A part of his mind was screaming that this was wrong but it was overtaken by the fear. He didn’t, he COULDN’T look like a man.

***

“Um, excuse me, is something wrong?” The employee asked Devin and Elise.

Devin simply stared at the employee with a shocked expression. Did he pass? As a girl? Did he actually look like a girl? This one person seemed to think so. They thought he was a girl.

And with that, Sierra was inside him, screaming in delight. She was being recognized. After years of being trapped inside, it seemed as if she had finally come out. It took Devin a bit of effort to not start jumping and squealing in joy.

“Uh, yeah. He’s not a girl. He’s my boyfriend.” Elise told the employee.

The employee immediately widened their eyes and their face was flushed. “I- I’m so sorry, I just… what would you two like?”

Devin and Elise placed their orders and soon enough they got their food and got to a table. When Devin opened his mouth and spoke, the employee looked even more flustered than before. Hearing Devin’s deep, male voice confirmed that Devin was a guy.

Which was good, obviously, right? Devin was a guy, at least that's what he always told himself. It was just this sick part inside him that was forcing him to become a woman. He knew, inside him, Sierra was already planning a voice training schedule.

Elise was simply very confused. She knew sometimes guys can be mistaken for girls. And it’s awkward when it happens, but Devin’s reaction had been extremely unusual for the situation. He just stood there, staring at the employee with a shocked expression. He didn’t say anything or even attempt to correct them. He just stood there, seemingly in a trance. Most guys would at least correct them, which Elise had to do for him when it became apparent he wasn’t going to do it himself. Why hadn’t he?

As they sat down and ate, Sierra was continuing to push Devin. Only this time she was more relentless than she had ever been before. He had just been gendered female in public. That employee, they didn’t see him as trans, or as a girl who used to be a guy, or as some sick perverted guy with a fetish. Just a girl, and that was it. At that moment, to their knowledge Devin had been a girl his entire life (“which may very well be the case”, Sierra said inside him).

That one moment had ignited Sierra more than ever before. “Why don’t we go further?”, she said. “Let’s buy some new clothes.”

Devin was having a hard time containing himself. He knew that the longer they stayed at the mall, the more SHE would be tempted. To push further. To even reveal herself to Elise.

Was she already revealed to Elise? She had to be right? He had just been gendered female in public. There was no way she didn’t take notice of that. And now she was probably thinking back to all their interactions and figuring out what was wrong with him.

Worst of all was that Sierra was getting very giddy at the thought of Elise finding out. Devin knew that the longer they stayed at the mall, the stronger she would get. She might even go on to buy women’s clothes.

Immediately, Devin stood up. “We have to leave.”

“Why?” Elise asked, slightly concerned. “We haven’t been here very long. Are you okay?”

“We have to go NOW.” Devin said sternly.

Flustered, Elise hesitantly agreed. The two then went up to leave the mall. Elise was now even more confused. Had being mistaken for a girl gotten to him that much? Devin was straight up panicking now. This was definitely not normal behavior.

Devin was feeling very guilty. They had just gotten to the mall and now they were leaving, all because of him. He was lucky Elise was so understanding. He didn’t deserve her.

They got into the car. Elise took the wheel again. Devin simply did the same thing he did when they were driving to the mall, stare at the window and contemplate what he was doing. Surely his weird behavior was making him stand out even more. If Elise didn’t notice anything before, she had to have noticed something now. There was no way he was getting out of her forcing him to talk about it.

That employee was only one person. Maybe more people would’ve gendered him female if he stayed. And Sierra was getting giddy again. It was time for him to stop thinking about that. Was he really that full of himself? To think that one person gendering him female meant everyone would?

Devin put his head down in shame. He was so full of conflicting emotions. He had no idea how to navigate them all. He was a wreck.

When they got to Devin’s house and walked inside, Devin was at a point where he didn’t want to deal with the world. But he wasn’t going to kick Elise out or tell her to leave. He needed her. The only way he could be comfortable was when she was around. And of course he didn’t want to be a jackass, which he probably already was since he forced Elise to drive all the way back to his house after just arriving at the mall.

“Devin, seriously, are you okay?” Elise asked.

“Yes I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. I need to go to the bathroom.” Devin told her.

As Devin walked into the bathroom, Elise doubted his words. Obviously he wasn’t okay, and she was tired of him not telling anyone what was going on. He’d been on edge for months. What was up with him?

Elise thought back to the employee mistaking him for a girl. It couldn’t have been just that that had made him panic. It had to be something else. Something deeper.

Elise walked around the house and eventually came upon Devin’s room. She debated whether or not she should go in without him, but the door was already open so she did.

As she sat on his bed she thought back to that incident with the employee. But mainly she was thinking about why exactly it had made Devin panic like that.

A thought occurred to her as she got out her phone. She looked through all the photos of her and Devin. She knew that Devin had been looking different but she never found out what it was about him that was different.

She figured it out now.

His face looked softer. He looked gentler. He looked feminine.

Seeing him like this, Elise thought that he even looked cute. She gasped as it finally clicked in her mind.

Devin looked like a girl.

He REALLY looked like a girl. Not like some guy in drag, or some guy who people joke about as looking like a girl. He actually looked like a girl. She couldn’t not see it. And the short hair didn’t stop him from looking like a girl.

How did this happen? What was going on? Did he even know about this? Elise was deeply contemplating what she was seeing.

Then another thought hit her. “Was Devin taking hormones?”

It seemed like an absurd thing to think about. He couldn’t have actually been doing that to himself, right?

Then again, he had been wearing sweatshirts a lot. Why would he need to do something like that? Unless he was hiding something. Something like his… chest.

The thought of Devin having breasts was almost too bizarre for Elise to comprehend. And yet it seemed to be what was happening.

And it didn’t end there.

When Elise looked around the room, she saw Devin’s computer. It looked like he had left it on, and turned off sleep settings.

And forgot to close all the tabs.

One of the tabs had the words “TG Storytime: Transgender Fiction” on it.

Elise widened her eyes. There was no denying it any more. Devin was taking hormones. He had to be, if he was viewing this site. He, or she, wanted to be a girl.

“Why is he(?) hiding this from me?” Elise thought.

She felt horrible doing it, but she clicked on the tab. She hated the fact that she was snooping around his computer but the insanity of the situation was overtaking her.

“25 Most Favorite Stories”.

The first story down, “For a Girl”, the second, “Of Heroes And Villains”.

At that moment, she heard footsteps come and suddenly stop. She slowly turned her head to see Devin, clearly seeing her and the computer, and looking as if he was about to hyperventilate.

1 Year Earlier

“This is getting ridiculous,” thought Devin.

It has only been the first week of summer vacation and he’s already read 2 TG stories. And now that he’s found out about Scribblehub he has a whole host of new ones to read.

“I need to stop this.” He thought.

At this point going on a website to read a gender bender story was almost second nature to him. Like a drug addiction he couldn’t stop. Thankfully no one knew about this obsession of his. No one actually goes out in public and says “Hey, have you ever read one of those online stories where a man becomes a woman and has some wacky adventures?” It’s probably a good thing that not even the most viciously bigoted people know that sites like Fictionmania and TG Storytime exist. They’d have a fucking field day if they did.

“These stories are sexist”, he told himself. “It’s wrong to like them.”

“But all stories are sexist”, another part of his mind said. “What about those romance novels where the weak, vulnerable woman falls in love with a strong man that always protects her and takes care of her? That’s pretty sexist.”

That did make some sense to Devin. He hadn’t really considered-

“No”, he thought. “This is not okay. I need to stop reading these things.”

He had enough of constantly going on sites like Fictionmania, TG Storytime, BigCloset, and now Scribblehub. These sites held him hostage like a slave. This obsession has gone far enough. It needs to end.

Something caught his eye.

A new story on TG Storytime called “changeday 中國” by a user named liuzixuan.

It seems very strange. He can’t help but check it out.

***

Devin couldn’t say anything. He could only stand there, paralyzed in fear.

“Dumbass”, he thought to himself, “Why the hell did you forget to close the tab?”

Devin had been getting more careless with his computer, and he’s already had some pretty close calls with his parents. Last night, he had a tab of the TG Storytime site open, and he forgot to close it. Even when he woke up.

It was especially frustrating because Devin had been trying to leave TG Storytime for good. It had become too much of a habit for him to go there. After the huge drama that happened the year before, he made a vow to eventually stop using the site permanently. It had only partially worked. It seemed like he was phasing out of it, but apparently not fast enough. Though to be fair, if he had been stuck on a tab of any of the other sites, nothing would’ve been better.

“Idiot”, he thought. “Fucking idiot what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Devin.” Elise spoke up. “What’s going on?”

“What’s going on, indeed”, Devin thought. He wasn’t very interested in answering the question.

“Devin-”

“NOTHING!” He immediately responded. “NOTHING! AT! ALL!”

“I’m tired of these answers.” Elise said, somewhat sternly. “Like, you don’t tell me anything anymore. Everyone knows there’s something wrong with you and you just don’t tell anyone. I’m tired of it. Tell me what’s going on, Devin. Please.”

Devin looked down at the ground. He had let her know. He had let his guard down and she knew all about his perversion. Now she knew how disgusting he really was. Worst of all, Sierra was inside him being very giddy about the whole thing.

“What are you hiding from me?” Elise asked in a saddened tone.

Devin looked back up at Elise. Her face was full of concern. She almost seemed affectionate. And truthfully that was what she was trying to be.

Elise knew that this situation had to be very difficult for Devin, or whatever name he or she calls themselves now. But it was difficult for her too. Devin had been hiding so much from her these days. She just wanted some answers.

“Okay.” Devin said. “This is going to be hard to accept.”

Devin proceeded to take his sweatshirt off. Underneath was a t-shirt, and visible bra straps, and visible breasts. Elise suddenly widened her eyes. It shouldn’t have been that surprising. She had already figured out that Devin looked like a girl, and apparently went on a website for Transgender Fiction, so it wasn’t hard to deduce the reason why he was wearing sweatshirts all the time. But just seeing her boyfriend with breasts was enough to shock her no matter what. They weren’t very big but they were still… there.

“Devin, why do you have boobs?”

Devin didn’t know how to answer that. He could’ve said “It’s Sierra, she’s in my mind making me do these fucked up things”, but he didn’t want to sound insane. He was going to have to come clean to her. He didn’t need to tell her he was trans, “which I’m not”, he thought, but he did need to tell her about the hormones.

“I’ve been, uh, taking some pills.” He said softly.

“I can see that.” Elise replied.

They both stared at each other for a while.

“Do your parents know?” Elise asked him.

“No.”

“You didn’t tell your parents!?”

“They wouldn’t give me them! I knew they wouldn’t! No matter how many times I ask them!”

“Devin, you can’t just NOT tell them these things.”

“Yes I can!” He said. “I don’t need to tell them everything. I don’t need to tell anyone everything!”

“Even me!?” Elise said. “What about me? You didn’t tell me about this. Why? Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t know how you’d react! I’m sorry, okay?”

The two continued to stare at each other for a while.

“So, you’re trans?” Elise asked Devin.

“No.” Devin replied sternly.

“But, but… you’re taking pills to grow boobs! How are you not trans!?”

“Because I’m not!” He yelled. “I just have some weird kinks okay? I deal with them just fine.”

“Are you sure you’re dealing with them fine? I don’t think you are.”

“I am.”

Elise looked at Devin’s face, which looked full of so many emotions she couldn’t identify. She didn’t want to continue the conversation, but it wasn’t like there was much else she could do.

“What is this?” Elise pointed at the computer.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“This site! Devin, what is it?”

Devin looked in her eyes very seriously. “A site no one like you should know about.”

“What are you talking about?”

Devin didn’t want to get into the details. That would take too long. But it was important that she knew that this site was NOT for her. It wasn’t for people like her. It was for people into gender bending content. Trans people. And some other groups of people. A person like her had no business knowing about it. If she did, she would freak out and call him sexist. And then probably write some insanely bigoted manifesto.

“Assuming what she would do now huh?” His mind said. “Trying to make her out to be the bad guy. Some boyfriend you are.”

“It’s just a site. One of those sites where people write, uh, gender bender stories and post them online.”

“There’s MORE of these?”

“Shit, should’ve left that part out. Well done”, he thought.

“Yeah, there’s more of them.” He said.

“Well, this one doesn’t look like it’s been updated since like, 2010 or something.”

Devin raised his head and looked at the site. He hadn’t noticed that before. He was too taken back by the site looking more modern than Fictionmania at all. But now that he was seeing it, he couldn’t deny it. The site really did look like something out of the late 2000s or early 2010s.

“What’s this?” Elise asked.

“Uh, it’s the 25 most popular stories on the site. Or something like that. The site has a system where users can favorite a story, and these are the 25 stories with the most favorites.”

“I was asking about the stories.”

“What is she getting at?” Devin thought.

“Umm, what do you mean?” He asked.

“Have you read them?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, are they good?” She asked.

“You… you can’t actually want to read these.” He said.

“Well, you’ve been hiding all this from me. What can I say? You’ve piqued my curiosity.”

He could not believe what he was hearing. She wanted to read these stories. Something must be wrong. Besides, she wouldn’t like them. She’d think they were offensive.

Devin gulped. “You won’t like them. They’re sexist.”

To his surprise, Elise laughed. “Everything’s sexist. You’re already living some crazy secret life you’re not telling anyone about. I just want to learn about it. You’ve been hiding so much…” Her voice trailed off.

Devin stood there for a while. He eventually sighed. It didn’t look like she was going to relent anytime soon. He might as well get this over with.

“Just… try to have an open mind. People like you… they can get really worked up about this kind of stuff.”

1 Year Earlier

This user “liuzixuan”, seems to be posting a lot.

Their stories are unintelligible.

They kept posting each chapter of their first story, “changeday 中國”, as its own story, which is against the site's rules.

It didn’t help that the story was written in Chinese.

Fortunately this was handled by the moderator and the front page isn’t spammed with their stuff anymore.

But they’re still posting a bunch of stories on the site. This time in english, albeit very broken english.

They’re all really bad, and they all get bad reviews, but “liuzixuan” seems to be giving their own stories 5 star reviews.

Isn’t the moderator going to deal with this?

***

Devin couldn’t believe what was going on. He couldn’t even bring himself to speak. Elise was actually reading one of these stories.

Devin had been sitting on his bed while Elise continued to scroll through the first chapter of “For a Girl”. He had no idea what Elise was thinking at the moment, but the dark part of his mind insisted that she was grossed out or disgusted. He expected Sierra to be happy about this, but she was just as confused as him. He guessed that made sense since after all, Sierra was more negative on the site after the controversy the previous year, and the story Elise was reading in particular had some fairly problematic moments.

Elise, meanwhile, was more so just perplexed. Reading the story seemed to give her a glimpse of a perspective not really seen in mainstream literature, and for that she was fairly intrigued. It was also clear that the author knew quite a bit about track and field as a sport, which definitely helped make it more engaging. But only being so early in, she was still wary of the apparent sexism that Devin had mentioned, even if she had brushed it off at the time.

It also didn’t help that Devin wasn’t even trying to engage or converse. It had been a theme for the day. Usually in the past, Devin would at least try to talk with others when he could. But today he or she didn’t even seem to be trying.

“Come on, why don’t you talk with me some more?” Elise said. “I’m sure you’ve read this one, right?”

Devin snapped out of his daze. “Umm… yeah. I’ve read it. It’s uh, been a few years though.”

“Okay, well then why don’t you talk to me about it. Surely you must know a lot about these kinds of stories. I’m new to them. Maybe you could fill me in.”

“Umm, okay.” Devin said back. “I guess I can do that.”

***

It started off slow, but as time went on Devin became more and more engaged. It turned out he really was the “real deal” when it came to TG content, and he wasn’t afraid to share information. Eventually he kind of forgot about how he thought his feelings were shameful as well as the need for him to pretend “Sierra” is turning him into a girl against his will.

Elise was really enjoying herself too. She was less focused on the story itself and more on Devin simply being happy. They (Elise decided she’d stick with ‘they’ for now) were clearly very passionate about this kind of stuff and it was really nice to hear.

“Wow they’re really getting into this fast.” Elise said. “We’re not even halfway done with the first chapter.”

Devin smiled again. “Yeah, I guess they don’t want to keep people waiting. The story has a lot of plotlines to get through.”

“How long is this story again?”

“Ninety six thousand words or so.”

“Wow, longer than a lot of books I’ve read. Well okay, I haven't read many books.”

Devin chuckled. “You should start sometime.”

***

“When was this story written?” Elise asked.

“Oh, it was written in 2003. The whole thing was posted on another site before being reposted here around when this site first opened.”

“Really? So this story is as old as us?”

“Yep, basically.”

“That’s weird.”

***

Devin and Elise were having a good time reading the story. They were making critiques, cracking jokes, and even making fun of the weird and stupid dialogue. Unfortunately as they got deeper and deeper into the second chapter, Devin was reminded again of the story’s more problematic content.

After Jack gets diagnosed with GB, he goes on and treats becoming a girl like death, thinking his life is over. Now, in the real world there is a definite possibility of depression and dysphoria arising from such an occurrence, but this story doesn’t take place in the real world. So really the only interpretation here is that the story is being wildly sexist.

“I’m sorry, Elise. This was a bad idea.” Devin said.

“Why?” She asked. “You’re talking to me and you’re engaged. I don’t really see that anymore. How is that bad?”

“It’s not that it’s just, you know, the story. It’s sexist. It was a bad idea to read it.”

“How is it sexist?”

“Well… I mean look at it, the main character can’t stop talking about how being a girl is miserable.”

Elise sighed. “Devin, acknowledging that sexism exists isn’t sexist.”

“What?”

“You really do have a lot to learn.” She smiled. “Look, it does sound pretty bad, but… sexism exists. And right now all this story is doing is showing it exists. You say Jack can’t stop talking about how being a girl will be miserable, but haven’t you thought that may just be what society has told him?”

“Well.” Devin replied. “He doesn’t even want to run anymore. That’s really bad isn’t it?”

Elise raised an eyebrow. “You’ve read this one before, right? Isn’t that like a character arc or something? Isn’t this whole thing supposed to be a character arc? Besides, I can kind of see why Jack would be a little hesitant to keep running, with him being turned into a girl and all.”

Devin stood there for a while, not really being able to say anything. He hadn’t quite considered that perspective before. He probably should have, since it’s basically Stephanie’s entire character arc to learn that being a woman isn’t a downgrade.

Really thinking about it, Elise did raise a pretty good point. Sure, the story may still be problematic in a lot of areas, and it’s definitely not the crowning achievement of feminism in fiction, but it has a purpose and it goes through with it. It acknowledges some of the less nice aspects of society, and that isn’t inherently bad. Hell, the author didn’t even need to include any feminist angle at all, and the fact that they did, in a fictionmania story no less, was pretty impressive.

Perhaps the story wasn’t quite as problematic as Devin remembered it.

Though to be fair, they had only just finished the second chapter.

1 Year Earlier

The moderator still isn’t handling the situation. Liuzixuan is spamming the front page with content and giving their own stories 5 star reviews. This is against the site’s rules. Devin is beginning to become very frustrated. After all, he’d invested a lot of time into this site and to see it not deal with obvious problems such as this is very disheartening.

It doesn’t help that the stories are very explicitly anti-LGBT+. Reviewers called this out and liuzixuan left responses showing that they are indeed very homophobic, transphobic, and racist in reality. At this point, Devin was in agreement with most others on the site that liuzixuan should just be banned entirely.

He’s still mad that the moderator isn’t doing anything.

***

As the clock hit 3:00 in the afternoon, Devin and Elise continued reading through “For a Girl”. The third chapter of it specifically, where Jack, or Stephanie at this point, was at “Girl School”.

Upon rereading this part it occurred to Devin that the story wasn’t exactly the most trans friendly one out there. That was the case with a lot of old Fictionmania stories, and also a lot of old Gender Benders in general. Explicitly trans characters were much more of an oddity back then, even if they’re more common now.

What really got to Devin was how none of the GB victims were ever presented with testosterone HRT to help them cope. For the supposed 5% of GB victims who never adapted to being women, this seems like a pretty easy solution. It works for transgender men in real life, but this story seems to be against that idea, as it doesn’t even consider it.

Not accounting for real life dysphoria is probably the biggest plot hole of a lot of gender bending fiction. Sometimes, the concept of dysphoria is brought up, but only when the character is explicitly coded as trans and is transformed into their preferred gender, like Shade. With these stories, it’s either “this character gets transformed”, or “this trans character gets their wish granted”. The idea of a man transforming into a woman, or vice versa, and experiencing dysphoria, is rarely done. Devin guessed that made sense, since that would likely be very uncomfortable to write about.

***

“How long is this chapter?” Elise asked.

“I think it’s like seventeen thousand words. Yeah, it’s the longest chapter by far.”

“Geez.”

***

“You know.” Devin started. “I kind of forgot that this story tried to tackle racial issues. It’s just, well, most of these kinds of stories never bring that stuff up, so it’s really interesting that this one does.”

“Is it done well?”

“I’m not in a place to answer that.”

***

“I mean, if you were a guy named Jack and you became a girl, why would you call yourself ‘Jackie’? It’s stupid and lazy.” Devin said.

“It’s the first thing I’d think of.” Elise responded.

“Well, I guess you just don’t have a very creative mind.”

Elise scoffed.

***

“Wait, they just sedate him!?” Elise exclaimed.

Devin furrowed his eyebrows. Elise was referring to the character, Jerome, or Jeri as she’s called later on. He wasn’t sure if he should correct her or not. In fact, Devin wasn’t sure if he would actually be correcting Elise at all, since it’s clear Jeri is one of the victims who never adapted to being a woman. So does that make her a man? She never considers going through testosterone hormonal therapy, or getting her breasts removed, or changing her name again. It was really unclear, and probably not worth thinking about.

“Yeah.” Devin replied.

“That feels so wrong.”

“Yeah, this story is pretty problematic in a lot of ways. Parts of it haven’t really aged the best.”

***

It was 4:00 in the afternoon. Devin and Elise had just finished the third chapter of “For a Girl”. They were already about a third of the way through the story, even though they still technically had eleven chapters left. Considering how long the third chapter was, it made sense.

“Oh shit.” Elise said as she felt her phone vibrate.

“What is it?”

“My parents want me back. They say it’s important.”

“I thought you didn’t have anything important scheduled today.”

“I did too. Guess my parents had other things in mind.”

Devin sighed. “Well, uh, thank you for coming. Really. And I’m… I’m sorry about the whole mall thing. I know I wasted a lot of your time.”

Elise smiled. “It’s fine. I liked seeing you today. I haven’t seen you actually engage with me in a while. I like it when you talk about things you’re passionate about.”

Devin’s face reddened. “Oh… um… you're welcome?”

Elise laughed. “It’s a compliment dummy. No need to feel embarrassed about it. I liked reading that story. It was… interesting.”

Devin and Elise walked out of Devin’s room and into the driveway of the house, where Elise’s car was parked. Elise gave Devin a hug, which he soon reciprocated.

Before Elise was about to enter her car, she stopped and turned back to Devin.

“What’s your name?” She asked him.

Devin was a bit taken aback by the question. “What?”

“Your name. I mean, you probably call yourself something different than Devin… at least sometimes.”

Devin stared at Elise for a bit. He wasn’t sure if he should answer that question. He was reminded of a scene in “Of Heroes And Villains”, where Diane gets Shade to say her name is Kara. He then silently laughed at himself for immediately comparing his real life situation to a scene in an online story.

“Did you think of a name?” Elise asked.

Devin looked down. He obviously had thought of a name, but he hadn’t entirely accepted that the name belonged to him. “It didn’t, she isn’t me”, a part of his mind said. Besides, was Elise even someone he could trust? What if she turned out to not be as accepting as she seemed? But if he couldn’t trust her, then who else could he trust? And either way, she had already seen more than enough of this side of him. There was no going back now.

“Sierra.”

“Sierra? That’s a nice name.”

Elise walked back to Devin and hugged him again. She also gave him a kiss on the check. Within Devin, Sierra was squealing with delight. It was very hard for her to contain herself. To her, this was a confirmation that Elise and her had a real chance. Their relationship wasn’t over, and Elise didn’t completely hate her or think she was disgusting. After so many long months of being afraid that Elise was going to hate her, she could finally be relieved. She had a feeling that maybe things could actually work out. That maybe everything would be okay.

“I’ll be back tomorrow.” Elise said.

Sierra watched as Elise stepped into her car and drove away. There were a lot of things on her mind, and she wasn’t sure how to deal with it all, but for a moment she didn’t need to worry about any of that. She was a girl named Sierra, who had a beautiful girlfriend, and that was all that mattered.

“No, this isn’t right.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“She’s just being nice.”

“It doesn’t matter what she may think, deep within, you are a gross, perverted piece of shit.”

It wasn’t long before Devin’s mind started to turn dark after the initial serenity of the moment faded. He had been standing there on the porch to his house for minutes on end, contemplating what had just happened.

“She kissed me. Why can’t you just focus on that?”

“Be realistic for once.”

Devin couldn’t keep track of all the thoughts that were going through his mind. Eventually, he went back into the house and fell onto one of the couches in the living room.

“She doesn’t hate me. She didn’t dump me.”

“Don’t you think it’s only a matter of time?”

It was as if a war was happening in his mind. No matter how hard Devin tried, those dark thoughts continued to force their way into his head. And they seemed to be winning the battle. Fighting them was a useless endeavor.

“It’s funny isn’t it? No matter what happens, we always end up back here.”

It seemed Devin would never escape the depths of despair and self hatred. Not even Elise’s approval, which for a long time he thought would fix everything, could change that. Was this what he was doomed to be for his entire life? Just some eternally miserable and self deprecating wreck?

“Surely not”, he thought.

He stood up from the couch and walked toward one of the full body length mirrors in the house. He stared at what he saw in the reflection. He hadn’t really looked at himself without an overly baggy sweatshirt on, and he had to admit, he was kind of cute.

He pulled out his phone and looked at a picture of himself 8 months earlier, before the DIY hormone treatments. Seeing it side by side with what he looked like now made the differences all the more prominent. He didn’t know how he could stand his appearance before. His face looked so rough and harsh, as did his skin. Intellectually, he knew that he was probably exaggerating his masculine features, but how could that matter when his feelings about his body had improved so much?

He reached out his hand and touched the mirror. Looking at it, he could confidently say that the reflection in the mirror belonged to a girl… it belonged to him.

Internally, he felt a calmness wash over him as for a moment the dark thoughts left his mind again.

Sierra smiled. She hadn’t seen herself smile much before. A real shame too, because her smile was cute. Looking in the mirror, she saw a rather cute girl with a pixie cut. A girl that was her.

She seemed to be put in a trance, not thinking of anything except her reflection. She lost control of herself and accidentally started making noise.

Devin immediately widened his eyes and shut his mouth upon hearing his voice. His low, masculine voice.

When he looked into the mirror, he no longer saw that cute girl he had always dreamed of being. He saw a guy playing out some kind of perverted fantasy. No matter how hard he tried to change his body, there would always be a giveaway to what he was. Whether it be his voice, ID, past friends or family, or his record, people would come upon it and immediately associate him with a man living as a woman, rather than just a woman.

That thought brought a few tears to his eyes. Some part of his mind was a bit happy that it was easier for him to cry now than before the hormones, but that was greatly overshadowed by the despair he felt.

“It’s funny isn’t it? No matter what happens, we always end up back here.”

All of the dark thoughts came rushing back to Devin like a freight train. It seemed it was true. Devin could not escape the depths of his own misery. No matter what happened, he would always end up wallowing in his own self hatred.

At first he thought the hormones would solve everything, just like Elise’s approval. That all of his issues would simply disappear after using them. And he wasn’t going to say that the hormones weren’t effective. They solved a lot. He was definitely a much bigger mess before them, and a lot of his hatred for his body had significantly lessened. But a lot of mental health issues were still there, albeit to a lesser extent. The hormones weren’t a miracle cure.

He wiped a few of the tears off his face. Elise was probably just being nice to him. There was no way she could truly love him with him being the absolute wreck that he was. He was crying over his fucking voice. He wasn’t just a pervert, he was a pathetic loser. Elise would have to take time to comfort him every day, just to calm him down. It would be an awful, toxic relationship.

Devin sniffed, his face still wet with tears. He fell back down on the coach and stayed there for a long time. Eventually he calmed himself down and stood back up. He took a few long, deep breaths.

It had been a long day. He had way too much on his mind. He really needed to wind down with something. Get his mind off his current situation.

He went to the kitchen and decided to make something for him to eat. Spaghetti seemed simple enough. It’s not like he could fuck that up.

As he got out the pots and pasta noodles and sauce, he felt a bit calmer. He was actually enjoying cooking. Maybe this was the part of the TG story where he would become a submissive housewife. He laughed at the thought. No, it was just good that his mind was now occupied with something else.

He cooked the pasta and sauce separately, as he always did. It was better that way. There was probably some legitimate culinary explanation as to why it’s better to cook pasta and sauce separately, but he didn’t know what it was.

After he was finished and turned off the stove, he got a plate, put some food on it, and sat down at the table.

As he was eating, he couldn’t help but go over in his mind all the times in the day when he had thought about a TG story.

A TG story.

There really was no going back, was there?

It hadn’t fully sunk in before but it did now. Elise knew about this side of him. She knew about the hormones, the breasts, the name (“her name”, that dissenting part of his mind went), and even the damn TG stories. Not even his parents knew about that stuff yet.

Whether or not their relationship would be able to continue, it was clear that there was no going back. Elise knew and that couldn’t be undone. He was reminded again of all that time he believed Elise’s approval would fix everything. Obviously it didn’t, just like the hormones didn’t solve everything, but he really had to think: did Elise even approve? It seemed like she did, but how could he be completely sure?

It was probably too early to say ‘yes’, so Devin decided to give her more time. Just to be sure that she’s okay to trust.

But at the same time, did he really want her to approve? Did he want her to be okay with this? Sierra still isn’t him. She’s that disgusting part of his mind that’s forcing him to do all this to himself.

Shaking his head, Devin got up to get a second plate while another thought crossed his mind. The site Elise saw, out of all the gender bending fiction sites out there, was TG Storytime. That wouldn’t have really mattered compared to if she saw any of the other ones, if it weren’t for the event that happened a year ago. The event that really damaged the site’s reputation, and the one that he could just never get out of his mind when thinking of the site.

***

1 Year Earlier

After what seemed like forever, with countless calls for liuzixuan to be permanently banned, the moderator has finally responded.

They’re not going to ban them.

Apparently banning users who are bigoted will damage freedom of speech or something.

Many of the site’s users are furious at the decision, and every time they bring this up with the moderator, they say the same thing, that it would be against the principles of the site to ban a user who spews hate speech.

A lot of the users seem to be leaving the site for good because of this hate speech policy, and Devin was pretty pissed off too. He had invested a lot of time into the site, had a lot of fond memories with it, and it turns out they won’t ban hate speech.

It’s insulting, really.

What were you supposed to do when a site you’ve grown attached to refuses to take down hate speech?

Devin had pondered this question for a long time at this point. Leave the site, probably. That’s what a lot of the authors did, at least.

So why didn’t he do the same?

He certainly used the site less, but even a year later he was still using it every week or so. Why hadn’t he left it completely?

It may be because he’d grown too attached to it. He probably shouldn’t have read so many of those damn stories. It was as if Fictionmania, TG Storytime, BigCloset, and all the other gender bending sites had become a part of him.

It could just be a reflexive reaction. A lot of those sites had occupied a permanent place in Devin's browser history. Literally the first thing that comes up when he types ‘t’ in his google search bar is TG Storytime, and the same goes for ‘f’ and Fictionmania. He had absent mindedly gone on those sites multiple times a day for years.

After thinking it over, Devin came to the conclusion that it was probably a combination of both. Either way, some part of him had a really hard time letting the site go. Even when the moderator literally said the site wasn’t a transgender support group, Devin couldn’t let it go. Even if a lot of people on social media who knew about the site seemingly had no trouble letting it go, Devin couldn’t.

Why was it so hard for him? It was just a site. It wasn’t a real person or anything. And yet, try as he may, the connection between him and gender bending fiction had become too strong. Was he an addict?

Devin wanted to laugh at the thought. Becoming addicted to internet stories was an absurd thing to think about. But it did kind of seem like that was the case.

As Devin washed all the pots and plates, he really contemplated if he could be considered a “TG Story Addict”, if such a thing even exists. Could he? He did visit gender bending sites nearly every day for about 4 years or so. So it could definitely be considered a habit or an obsession, but was he addicted?

Really thinking about it from a critical standpoint, the answer seemed to be “yes”, and at that point Devin was contemplating why he hadn’t just admitted that to himself earlier.

It was obvious those stories were some kind of coping mechanism for him. He lived an empty, miserable life in reality, where it felt as if all his emotions were mostly muted and he didn’t really care about anything except Elise. Then he would come home, and at night pass time by reading some good wish fulfillment stories where he could just insert himself into the main protagonist transforming into a woman and forget about his lonely, miserable life.

In some way it felt disrespectful to the authors who had poured so much work into their crafts and had put so much time into perfecting their stories. Those stories meant so much to the authors who wrote them and he only used them as a coping mechanism.

What a sad, miserable person he was.

Devin felt a few tears come down from his eyes but he forced them back. One crying fit was enough for the day, he didn’t need a second one.

Once he was done washing and drying the dishes, he went outside to clear his head. With his sweatshirt on, he took a walk around the neighborhood, smelling the fresh summer air and watching the nice clouds move across the sky. It was really peaceful and it put his mind at rest. It was partially ruined by one of the neighbor’s dogs seeing him and then loudly barking, but he got over it.

As he was walking a thought came into his mind. At a time like this that probably wasn’t a good thing, but try as he may, he couldn’t get it out so he was forced to contemplate it.

Should he tell Elise about TG Storytime’s hate speech policy?

The fact that she now knew about TG Storytime at all was still a bit hard for Devin to comprehend, let alone the fact that she was actually enjoying For a Girl, and would come back and presumably read through more of it with him.

Elise probably wouldn’t have any use for TG Storytime. People like her just weren’t this into gender bending content. But still, she probably should know about the site’s hate speech policy, especially if she already knew that the site existed at all.

Once Devin went back into his house and caught his last breath of the nice, fresh summer air, his decision was made. He would tell Elise about the hate speech policy. Probably not tomorrow, and probably not while they were still reading For a Girl, but eventually. She deserved to know about it.

Once it got dark Devin went to get a shower. Showers were much more bearable after this long on hormones. He liked the way the water felt on his softer, more sensitive skin, and he no longer had to turn the lights off every time he took one. These days his showers were probably the easiest place for him to slip into Sierra.

As Sierra washed her body, she closed her eyes. She didn’t need to be reminded of that thing that still dangled between her legs. She felt calm. That same calmness she felt last time she became Sierra. She forgot about the world for the moment and just imagined all her problems had vanished away.

It couldn’t be for long though.

Devin stepped out of the shower and dried himself off. After putting on a new pair of clothes, he headed to his room. With the calmness gone, he felt the same emptiness he always felt as Devin. The same eternal misery that prevented him from ever being happy, or ever having any emotions at all.

When Devin reached his room, he immediately fell onto his bed.

Devin laid down on his back. The estrogen had made him lose the ability to sleep on his stomach. The discomfort on his chest was too much for him to ignore.

As he stared up at the ceiling he found himself wishing that he could just have a more fulfilling life. He didn’t want to live like a static void of nothingness. He wanted to feel like he was living his own life, for once.

Some very immature part of him was anticipating that he would wake up the next day as a confident and content young woman, and that history would be rewritten so he would always have been a woman. But of course real life doesn’t work like that. Only in fiction.

Dinners with extended family members were never very fun. Especially not surprise ones. Elise could only sit there in silence as she watched her grandparents rant about god knows what.

“And I’m telling you, this is why they gotta start teaching christianity in those schools again.” Elise’s grandfather said. “They stop teaching those kids christianity and everything goes to shit.”

“That’s great, father.” Elise’s mother said back as she was beginning to have second thoughts about having this dinner.

“Yeah and I mean it too. Instead of christianity they’re teaching those kids critical race theory!” The grandfather said as he drank his cup of beer. “Why do they hate America so much?”

“Do you even know what critical race theory is?” Elise asked him.

The grandfather turned to Elise with furrowed eyebrows. “Well of course I know what it is. It’s… it’s… it’s, well it’s not important what it is. They’re teaching kids that America is evil! They’re teaching kids that white people are evil! They’re destroying our culture! I’m telling you, you gotta see what they’re doing!”

“Well honey.” The grandmother stood up. “I think we better get going. I don’t want you to get too drunk over here.”

The grandfather raised an eyebrow for a few seconds before standing up as well. “Well… I guess you’re right.” He smiled. “I don’t want to crash the car.”

The mother’s face grew concerned. “Father, you’re not going to drive are you?”

The grandfather laughed. “Of course I am! I ain’t that drunk.”

The mother sighed, knowing she couldn’t convince him otherwise. “Please don’t get yourself killed.”

“I won’t.” He said. “I promise.”

The two grandparents stood up and grabbed their belongings. They thanked the family for the dinner, said their goodbyes, and walked out the front door. The mother watched as her parents drove away.

“Julie.” Elise’s father said from behind her. “You gotta stop inviting those two over so often. I don’t like getting lectured about whatever garbage they found on facebook.”

“Ronald, they’re family. They have a right to be here.”

“They’re racist. They make me uncomfortable.”

Julie sighed. “I’ve tried talking to them. They never listen. I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, you’re gonna need to find out. Do something, because I’m tired of this.”

***

Elise felt a wave of relief wash over her as she finally reached her room. She wasn’t sure how her mother could keep making the same mistake over and over again. Inviting the grandparents to their house for dinner, then being forced to hear their deranged ramblings which got even worse each time they visited. She should’ve learned by now.

Elise collapsed onto her bed. It had been a very long day. Finding out that her boyfriend, who she had been with for a little over a year, wasn’t really a boy at all was in many ways a complete mindfuck. She still couldn’t process it, even hours later.

At the same time however, a part of her didn’t feel very surprised at the reveal. She had known that something odd had been going on with Devin for a while. And finding out that Devin was a trans girl named Sierra did admittedly explain a lot. But there were just so many different complications that could arise from this, especially regarding their relationship.

Could they still be together? Elise had no idea. She didn’t even know if she liked girls. Was she still attracted to Sierra? She remembered thinking Sierra was cute after really looking at her new face for the first time. And she liked seeing Sierra happy and engaged after so long of her being quiet and reserved. Elise wasn’t sure if she actually liked that story, For a Girl, but with Sierra being so engaged and passionate, how could that matter to her?

It would definitely take a lot of time to figure everything out.

***

Devin’s alarm on his phone played and woke him up. His alarm was usually whatever song he was in the mood for at the moment. Currently it was “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M., but that would probably change in the next week or so.

As Devin turned off the alarm and stood up from the bed, he sighed in disappointment. He didn’t know why he was expecting anything aside from his current house and life, but it seemed that the very immature part of him was really hoping his wish would just miraculously be granted.

Devin checked the time on his phone. 8:08. Early again. Devin hoped this would become a trend for him. He didn’t really enjoy falling asleep at 4 AM every night, something that could quickly become a habit over summer vacations.

As he walked out of his room, he remembered Elise was going to come over again today. Were they going to continue reading For a Girl? It seemed likely, but he couldn’t quite say for sure. He also couldn’t quite say if that’s what he would want to do.

Devin was honestly just shocked Elise didn’t completely hate the story. He definitely thought she would, considering how problematic it can get and how it’s aimed at a demographic she isn’t a part of, but even amongst all that, she didn’t hate it. He had to admit that he didn’t truly know how the average person would react to TF/TG content in general. Perhaps he should stop automatically assuming the worst.

For the next few hours Devin passed the time by playing through a Super Metroid rom on ZSNES. He was alright at the game but he certainly wasn’t on speed runner level. He didn’t think he’d ever get there and he was okay with that. It seemed like way too much work.

Eventually, at 12:00, he heard his phone vibrate, with a message letting him know that Elise would be there soon. He closed out of Super Metroid and got dressed for the day.

Devin walked over to a body length mirror and inspected himself. He had put on a sweatshirt to cover his breasts, which was admittedly a bit silly, considering that Elise already knew everything. It seemed putting on baggy clothes had become like a second instinct for him.

He took off the sweatshirt and threw it on the couch. Looking at himself once more, a part of him wondered why he couldn’t just dress like this all the time. Most strangers looking at him like this would see a teenage girl with short hair, which was what he wanted, wasn’t it?

That train of thought was immediately shot down by another part of him that demanded he cover his body at all times. He couldn’t go out like this in public, or at work, or at school next year.

Devin hadn’t even thought about what he would do about school next year. Would he show up as Sierra? No, he couldn’t. He was a man, for one, and he wasn’t at all ready for the sheer amount of prejudice he’d have to face. On the other hand though, he’d have to decide on something, because he still had one more gym credit he needed to take, which would mean he’d be forced to choose between two equally terrifying options. Change in the guy’s room and try his best to hide his breasts, or begin changing in the girl’s room. Neither option would be easy, and just thinking about it made him gulp in fear.

Luckily, when he looked out of the window, he saw Elise’s car pull into the driveway, quickly banishing those unpleasant thoughts from his mind.

Devin walked out the front door, smiling as he approached Elise, and they both embraced in a hug.

2 Years Earlier

It was yet another shitty day for Devin. It wasn’t as if this was out of the ordinary for him; all of his days were dull and grey. Surrounded by some kind of emptiness that could never be filled. Devin almost considered himself selfish. His life was, by most respects, pretty good. He was a middle class white kid living in a first world country who didn’t have any disabilities or debilitating health conditions of any kind. Sure, it’d be nice if his family was richer, and was able to exploit the working class like the rest of the billionaires, but all things considered, he was fine.

And yet he wasn’t fine. Still in high school, it wasn’t like he could do much with his life anyway, so why didn’t he feel content? What was keeping him from enjoying anything?

“Probably an issue a lot of kids run into these days”, he thought, “especially with global warming and all”.

There was always one thing that could make him feel better. Going on youtube, he found “this video will turn you into a girl”. The video itself wasn’t really good, consisting of a constant beeping noise over a bunch of TG TF art and videos stolen from other sources. But that didn’t matter to him. Because he was just so enraptured by what was in that video.

TG content always made him feel better, at least temporarily. The part of his mind that really loved this stuff was never quite satisfied, no matter how many times he consumed it and masterbated to it. It was never enough.

He felt gross a lot of the time being into this kind of stuff, but that never really mattered while he was consuming it. He always pictured himself as being the main character of some TG story. The guy who caught some special disease, the guy who was kidnapped by a bunch of insane scientists, the guy who was caught wearing panties and blackmailed, the guy who fell into some kind of secret room. That’d be him, and then he would live life as a girl. It seemed like a pretty good deal for some reason.

As the video started, Devin laid on his bed, once again fulfilling his insatiable fetish.

***

“Do girls really want bigger breasts? I thought that was a myth.” Devin asked Elise.

“I don’t know any that do but I guess they’re out there, somewhere.” Elise answered.

It wasn’t exactly a shock that Devin would find himself reading “For a Girl” with Elise again. It wasn’t the first thing they did when she got to his house, but it was something they did eventually. They had already put quite a bit of time into the story, reading the first three chapters, so it only made sense to finish it.

As of now they were on the fourth chapter, the one where Stephanie gets back from GRS and goes shopping with her mother. Going to the mall to buy women’s clothing was a staple of TG content, and as such, “For a Girl”, which was basically the quintessential online TG story, just needed to have that part.

***

Reading through the fourth chapter, Devin realized that “For a Girl” was rather unique compared to most other online gender benders, at least of the ones he’s read. Not only was it at least a decade older than most of the stuff on TG Storytime, BigCloset, Scribblehub, and the such, but it also featured sexism as a major plot point.

Most TG stories didn’t feature sexism as a big driving force of the plot, as most of the time it was something that was only referenced to. But “For a Girl” was different, making sexism a constant and relevant part of the plot. Not many others were like that. It might be part of why it’s such a popular story in this niche community.

***

The scene in the fourth chapter where Stephanie and her mother talk about sexual assault in such an upfront manner is pretty surprising, particularly the part where the mother explains that most sexual assaults occur from people the victim knows.

For a story on Fictionmania, written in 2003 to make an observation like that is actually kind of impressive, considering the site’s usual content. Throughout the 90s and most of the 2000s, the vast majority of TG stories were short fetish romps that never had anything of value to say. This story, on the other hand, was almost like a real novel, with a fully developed plot, character development, and themes. In a way, Devin had more respect for the story now than he did earlier.

***

Elise gave out a chuckle.

“What is it? What’s funny?” Devin asked her.

“This part here. ‘My boyfriend is now hotter and has bigger tits than me!’”

Devin gave out a chuckle of his own. “Yeah, now that I think about it, it is pretty funny. Honestly this whole story is kind of ridiculous but it is pretty consistent in tone. Nothing in this story feels out of place, if you accept it as being in its own weird world.”

“I just thought it was a funny scene.”

“Oh, right.” Devin said, his cheeks reddening slightly.

***

At the start of the fifth chapter, when Stephanie gets on the bus for the first time as a girl, Elise let out another chuckle. The ‘whispers’ of the other students weren’t really whispers at all, and their reactions were way too over the top.

Still, just as Devin said, they were believable in the bizarre world the story takes place in.

***

“You know, there’s actually a theory out there about the principal. I saw it in a couple reviews. It’s that he’s the one who infected Stephanie in the first place.” Devin said.

“Makes sense.” Elise replied. “Believe me, there are way too many creepy men out there. Too many for us to handle. If you ever stop covering your body in three thousand layers of sweatshirts, you’ll understand.”

***

“Okay this is too much. I could accept all the ridiculousness before but this is going too far. This does not happen. Ever.”

“Yeah, this part was always weird to me as well.” Devin responded. “Flashing the locker room while every other girl gets jealous of how… good your breasts look? It’s so over the top it’s almost like a parody.”

***

And now it was time for them to brace themselves. Forced het. In a TG sense, that was. A straight male character who transforms into a straight female character. Going from attracted to women to attracted to men. All because the story demands it to happen.

It seemed to Devin that this was one of the more controversial aspects of the story, and in a lot of older gender bending content in general. It was a trope most younger writers were not exactly fans of, and one that they largely steered clear of. It seemed to be generally frowned upon to do this nowadays, but in the 2000s it was the norm.

It made sense why it was a bit of a reviled trope. After all, it implied that loving a man was something inherent to being a woman, which was a bit homophobic. And it also implied that a man could gender bend and transform into a woman all they want, but one thing they were never allowed to be was gay.

It just begged the question: why did authors back then do it? What motivated them? Devin guessed it was because it made sense to them. “This character is a woman now”, they probably thought, “what better way to show they’re a woman than to have them fall in love with a man”. They probably didn’t really think through the implications of what they were writing. Or about reinforcing heteronormativity. And it wasn’t as if anyone at the time was raising any objections to it.

Devin doubted the authors had any malicious intentions, but in the world, many uninformed people can do a lot of harm.

Well, at least as much harm as you could do in a TG story on a site that most people have never heard of, which wasn’t a lot.

***

After they finished the fifth chapter, Devin said, “believe it or not, we’re already almost halfway through the story.”

“Really?” Elise said back. “We still have nine chapters left.”

“I said the third chapter was really long… so… I take it that what happened in that chapter wasn’t a ‘normal day for a girl’?”

“Eh, no.” Elise responded. “Not really.”

Smut. One of the best ways to start a chapter. And a staple of all good TG stories. Well, not quite all of them, but it did seem to be a common feature. It was a good way to get engagement, at least.

So it was actually a bit surprising that it took until the halfway point for “For a Girl” to have any full on erotic scenes.

Devin, having already read the story multiple times, was aware of this fact, yet it didn’t quite sink in how odd this would have been back when it was first posted until now. Back then, a lot of TG stories got into the erotic stuff pretty early, and not many of them held off on it.

It really shows how “For a Girl” tries to be more like a real published novel rather than a one-off fetish romp, Devin thought to himself.

As for the erotic scene itself, Devin could now see how oddly written it was. The main point of it was to show that the character, Arleen, was a lesbian, and that Stephanie was now attracted to men. And it accomplished that by having Stephanie go on a rant about opera for a few paragraphs to make a really forced analogy.

It also didn’t help that the scene started by having Arleen force Stephanie into an abandoned room and then lock the door. In real life, that would be terrifying.

***

“You want to know what I don’t get?” Elise said.

“What?” Devin asked.

“Stephanie’s boobs. What’s so special about them anyway? 34C isn’t that big. It’s pretty average actually. So what’s so great about them? Why is every other girl jealous of them? Do they have some kind of special titty magic or something?”

Devin laughed. “I don’t think you understand. She’s not just a girl. She’s the BEST girl. She’s supposed to be better looking than the rest of them. They’re supposed to be jealous of her. It’s how these stories work.”

“Well that’s stupid.”

“It probably is. You know, maybe you could write one of these.”

“Oh god no. I can’t write. When I was 12 I wrote a Star Wars fanfiction. It was REAL bad.”

“Did you finish it?”

“I did, actually. Something I’m still surprised by.”

***

As Devin thought about it more, it was a bit peculiar that it was such a common trope in TG stories to have the gender bent main character be especially attractive and beautiful. There was always some kind of explanation as to why the main character looked so good. Why they were just so much prettier than other women.

“Well I guess it’s really not that peculiar” he thought, “it actually makes a lot of sense”.

It wasn’t as if TG stories were the only kind of wish fulfillment material out there. There were all kinds of it. And a lot of it was aimed at women. How many fanfictions were there where the main female character was so stunningly beautiful? It would be impossible to count them all. So it only made sense that wish fulfillment aimed at trans women would work the same way.

***

The first track and field race as a girl. They had finally gotten to this point in the story. It was a pretty big moment, and a pretty well written one too. The whole transition of Stephanie coming to peace with her limitations was fast but still paced well. When she wins that first race, it’s a very satisfying moment.

“For a Girl” does occasionally get flack for being sexist, and maybe it is. But as Elise said, acknowledging sexism isn’t the same as supporting it, and at this point Devin was thinking that some people were being a little bad faith when calling the story sexist. If it is sexist, it’s not because of Stephanie’s character arc where she needs to learn being a woman isn’t a downgrade.

All things considered, Devin didn’t think “For a Girl” was very good from a feminist perspective, but it has that one character arc and runs with it. It was at least better than most Fictionmania stories at the time.

***

“Best friends to lovers…” Devin said as the sixth chapter concluded. “Never really cared for that trope. But when one of them is a woman and wasn’t a woman before? I love that stuff. Can never get enough of it.”

“I guess that does spice things up a bit.” Elise said. “Anyway, I should probably be heading home now. You know my parents, they wouldn’t like me staying at your house too late. I’d never hear the end of it.”

Devin chuckled. “Yes, I am aware.”

Elise stood up from the chair she was sitting at and stretched herself. “Well, I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow?”

Devin sighed. “I have a shift tomorrow. Are you free in two days?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

“You know, if you want to read that story, you can do it on your own. You don’t need to be here.”

Elise smiled. “Well then I wouldn’t be able to hear your commentary. I love hearing people talk passionately about stuff I don’t know anything about.”

“Is my commentary really that interesting? I thought it was boring.”

Elise shook her head. “It’s really not. It’s fun. Be proud of it.”

Devin huffed and nodded his head.

“Can I… ask you something?” Elise asked.

“What?”

“How did you get those pills?”

“You mean the pills for bodily changes?”

“Yeah, the pills for… bodily changes.”

Devin took a deep breath. “So”, he started, “there’s this person on twitter that kind of helped me get them.”

“Oh?” Elise responded. “Who?”

“I mean, I’m sure they’d rather be left anonymous.”

“Okay?”

Devin gave a slight nod. “Yeah, they help out a lot of people with this stuff. I think it’s good work and all. I don’t know what I’d do without those pills.”

“Well that’s great to hear.” Elise said.

“Yeah.”

After conversing for a few more minutes, Elise eventually walked out of the house and got to her car. Before she left, the two embraced in another hug.

“Good bye.” Devin said.

“Good bye, Sierra.” Elise said back.

Devin’s eyes immediately widened at her use of that name. He was left speechless as Elise kissed his cheek and waved good-bye at him. As she drove away, the hint of a smile started to spread across Sierra’s face.

“Well, look at that.” Ronald said, looking at his computer screen. “Your father is on facebook, talking about how Trump won the election.”

Julie sighed. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Are you really just gonna ignore this until it’s too late?”

“Why are you so pressed about this? They’re not your parents.”

“No.” Ronald answered. “But a friend of mine said his parents went insane after they bought into that QAnon stuff. And I don’t want that to happen to your parents.”

“They’re not going to become ‘QAnoners’ or whatever.” Julie responded. “I know they’re smarter than that.”

“Do you?” Ronald asked. “Because they’re going down a pretty bad path right now.”

“What path? What are you talking about?”

“Are you even listening to me? I’m talking about the path to believing a bunch of insane conspiracy theories. Look at their facebook. They’re already sharing a bunch of anti vaxx shit, some Covid denial, and they believe Trump actually won the 2020 election. Who knows what’s next?”

“I know they can be bad.” Julie replied. “But they’re not going to go insane or anything like that. They still have some sense in them.”

“Well I think you ought to be tougher on them. And also stop inviting them here. I don’t want our kids dealing with this.”

Soon after Ronald finished that sentence, Elise opened the front door and came into the house.

“Elise.” Ronald said. “How was it?”

“Oh, it was good.” Elise said back. “We didn’t really do much.”

Ronald shook his head, “ah”.

“You know.” Julie started. “You’ve been spending an awful lot of time there lately. Is there something going on?”

Elise shook her head. “No, not really.” She lied.

Ronald furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re not getting into any funny business over there, are you?”

Elise let out a groan. “No Dad, I’m not.”

“Just making sure.” Ronald said.

Elise walked away from her parents, not wanting to have any more awkward questions thrown her way.

“Looks like my parents aren’t the only thing you’re overly concerned with.” Julie said to Ronald.

“These are completely different situations.” Ronald told her. “Please don’t try to compare them.”

***

Once Elise opened the door to her room, she saw her younger sister, Emma, sitting on her bed, doodling on a sketchpad.

“What the HELL are you doing in here!?” Elise asked her angrily.

“You know your room is a lot nicer than mine. It’s not fair.” Emma replied.

“Get the fuck out!” She demanded.

Emma sighed and left the room. Emma, being two years younger than Elise and having just finished her freshman year of high school, was always an annoyance to her. The two sisters had never gotten along very well, which seemed to be the case with a lot of siblings. Elise wasn’t always so mean, but people invading her space without her permission was something she really hated.

Once Elise got to her bed, she did what she usually did. She went on her laptop and mindlessly browsed the internet for anything that might entertain her. Usually she ended up going on social media sites to see what her friends were up to. They always posted some stuff on SnapChat or Instagram each week.

But no matter how much she tried to entertain herself, her mind could just not get off of Devin. Or Sierra, she corrected herself.

What was in store for them in the future? Would they still be together? What would their reputation be at the school? Was she even still attracted to Sierra?

Fortunately, they only had one more year at their high school before graduation, so their reputation there was not something of utmost concern. But the other questions proved really difficult to answer.

Elise was straight. She had never liked girls before. She had only liked guys, for as long as she could remember. She was sure of it.

And yet she wasn’t so sure of it. Sierra looked like a girl right now. Most people who had never seen her before would probably gender her female, as evident from the employee at the mall the day before. And Elise expected that, with her being a girl, she would not be attracted to her.

But the truth was that she wasn’t sure. Was it because she was so used to Sierra being a guy? Was it because she actually was attracted to girls? Or was Sierra just the one exception? To make matters worse, she was asking herself all these questions when she wasn’t even sure if she was attracted to Sierra in the first place.

As she thought everything over, it became apparent that this was most likely not something she could solve on her own. But who could help her? It’d be rather shitty of her to tell one of her friends about Sierra right now. She couldn’t talk to her parents about it. And Sierra herself? As hurtful as it may have sounded, she probably wouldn’t be much help here.

Elise groaned and laid her head down onto her bed. In her mind, she played through their entire relationship. She had boyfriends before in the past, but none of them lasted very long. Devin was different. Together they had made it past the one year mark, which kind of shocked her, as she didn’t think much would come out of being with him, just like with all her previous boyfriends.

There hadn’t really been any complicated start to their relationship. Devin was kind of a nerd, and so was she. One thing led to another and then they got together. It wasn’t as if teenagers really had many long and complicated starts to their relationships anyway, so they didn’t stand out.

There was something really charming about Devin that Elise really liked. All of his semi odd habits, like his obsession with putting everything in a list format and his tendency to talk for minutes on end about random subjects were things Elise found admirable.

And she especially loved his YouTube channel. Devin had mentioned that he was a Todd in the Shadows fan and it was pretty easy to see, considering his videos mostly revolved around ranting about music. He seemed to be quite the fan of making “Worst Hit Songs of X Year” videos. So much so that when a public speaking class allowed for a presentation that could be about literally anything, Devin had apparently chosen to do a presentation of “The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2006”, before he even made the video. Elise wasn’t in that class, but from what she heard, two things were certain: Devin was really good at presentations, and he really hated “London Bridge” by Fergie.

Even when others would call him weird, Elise was never not proud to say Devin was her boyfriend.

But now Elise had suddenly been introduced to this large part of Devin that she didn’t know at all before. And it was all very disorienting.

Elise closed her eyes and imagined Devin’s, no, Sierra’s face. Her soft cheeks devoid of any facial hair, her short brownish blonde hair, her bright blue eyes. It was a very nice face. And a cute one, if she was being honest.

Elise opened her eyes. Could she really leave Sierra? It seemed like such an insane thing to do. Sierra was really happy when she was around. Would Elise really want to ruin that? But, at the same time, what if the relationship turns into one she can no longer keep?

Things were undoubtedly going to be tough for them. She might need to call on a friend for help. And she’ll need to find out how to ask for it without giving anything away.

***

Devin couldn’t stop pacing around his house.

What was happening to him? Whenever he was alone, he hated himself. He called himself a disgusting pervert and a miserable piece of shit. A loser for letting this part of him become as strong as it has.

And then when Elise showed up, none of that mattered. She still seemed to like him, even with all his weird quirks. When she was around, he’d fall into Sierra, that girl he so desperately wanted to be. And the one that he admonished himself for wanting to be.

It was like he was becoming a leech, dependent on Elise’s presence to be fulfilled. And that was a very toxic dynamic, leading to bad one-sided relationships.

Who the hell even was “Sierra”? Just some person he made up? Was he really still trying to convince himself that Sierra wasn’t him? Why?

No. Sierra wasn’t him. She was someone else. An alien. An infection. A parasite. Anything. Anything but him. She wasn’t him.

It was her. She was making him do everything. She was making him want to be a girl. She was making him take the hormones. She was making him enjoy the changes they brought. She was making him get the electrolysis sessions. She was making him start a new voice training regimen. Devin had nothing to do with it.

Devin tried hard to convince himself this was the truth. That Sierra was within him making him want to be a girl. That she was making him like being a girl. It had worked many times before.

But not anymore. The illusion was fading.

It just didn’t seem to work anymore. This idea Devin created that he was “infected” with Sierra. That she wasn’t a part of him. That she was “forcing” him to do everything. At this point it seemed like too much effort to keep the fantasy going.

Deep down, Devin always knew he was bullshitting himself. He wasn’t actually insane. He didn’t actually have Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder or any mental condition of that kind. He was faking it in order to absolve himself of any guilt. It was much easier to try to convince himself he was turning into a girl “against his will” than to accept that he was doing all this to himself.

Devin took a few deep breaths. He had gotten way too worked up and needed to cool off. He laid down and tried to clear his head, which worked well for a little while before his mind forced him back.

Sighing, he got up from the couch and went to a body length mirror, running a hand through his brownish blonde hair.

What was he doing? He was sounding insane. He imagined what could have happened if he actually went through with the whole “Sierra has control of my mind” shtick with Elise. No matter how he would have handled it, it would have gone badly. Very badly.

He leaned in closer toward the mirror. It was time for him to accept that Sierra wasn’t some kind of foreign being. She was part of him. She was… him. They were the same person, and he needed to stop pretending they weren’t.

Closing his eyes, he told himself “Sierra is not a different person. She is you. She is you.” He repeated that phrase a few times before taking a deep breath and opening his eyes.

It had actually felt rather calming to admit that. It was as if a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt better. Quite a lot better. He couldn’t help but smile.

He should have just admitted Sierra was a part of him from the start. It would have saved him a lot of effort. And a whole lot of headaches.

Sierra let out a light giggle. This whole thing had been really silly. How could she have tried to convince herself that “Sierra” was some kind of foreign infection when she had specifically picked out the name “Sierra” because she liked it? Maybe she just read too many TG stories.

Though that wasn’t entirely fair. Sure, many of the main characters in those stories start off as male and then become female against their will, but at the same time, many superheroes get their powers against their will, and in general a lot of popular media just has things happen to the main character against their will. It’s a common trope in storytelling that isn’t always indicative of some kind of refusal of self acceptance.

Also, blaming those stories for causing her mental problems was like blaming video games for causing violence. It’s not the entertainment’s fault she had some mental issues she needed to work out.

Sierra pursed her lips. She had to admit though, that she was still right before in one way. That for her, it was much easier to accept becoming a woman “against her will” than it was actually transitioning and accepting that she was becoming a woman “by herself” so to speak. And that aspect still had to be strong in TG content, regardless of any common storytelling tropes.

Devin took a deep sigh. Sierra could never be around for very long unfortunately. It seemed his mind always pushed her out if she overstayed her welcome. And just because he had accepted Sierra was a part of him didn’t mean that that part still wasn’t a shameful, disgusting part.

“Believe me, there are way too many creepy men out there. Too many for us to handle. If you ever stop covering your body in three thousand layers of sweatshirts, you’ll understand.”

What the hell was wrong with him? Was he really happy about being a girl? All that sexism, sexual harassment, and prejudice that the average woman would have to deal with on a daily basis and thinking “I want that”. He was such a prick.

“Let’s be fair” a part of his mind went, “you just want to be a girl, it’s not like you actually want to be sexually harassed, it’s just the unfortunate reality of life”.

“That makes sense”, Devin thought, “After all-”

No.

It didn’t make any fucking sense. If he were to give in to his sick fetish and become a woman, he would be choosing to face all that. Women didn’t have a choice. They were born into it. He wasn’t. He had a choice.

“But you didn’t choose to be tra-”

He shut out that thought immediately. He didn’t want to go there.

Furthermore, was he not just another creepy man? He was still leaving a lot of details out when talking to Elise. How would she react if she found out that he had masterbated to these TG stories? That he had masterbated to TG TF art? She’d probably have a much different, more disgusted reaction with him.

“She’s probably masterbated before, you know?”, the same stubborn part of his mind said, “do you think she’d tell you everything she’s masterbated to?”

As stubborn as that part of his mind was, Devin himself was even more stubborn.

“Do you think she masterbated almost every day? To some kind of fetish? No. If she ever did masterbate, it’s to normal stuff like a person she finds attractive, not to some kind of specific, bizarre, offensive fetish”.

That made sense. To him, it was such a good argument that the part of his mind that disagreed became quiet, and he grinned. His grin faded when he realized he had just said that aloud. He was really lucky no one else was home.

***

“So, to sum everything up, we have a terrible R&B song with cheap production and awful singing with lyrics that are insanely creepy if you actually stop and even remotely listen to them. I guarantee this guy did not know what ‘shake you down’ meant. Or maybe he did, but that would actually be even worse, so to give him the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume that he didn’t know. With all this in mind, I can easily say that ‘Shake You Down’ by Gregory Abbott is the number one worst hit song of 1987.”

Devin smiled as he turned the iPad camera off. He didn’t have the best recording equipment, but it wasn’t as if his family was very rich either, so he had to make due with what he had.

He thought that take was really good. He was almost done with the recording process of his “Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1987” video. He just had to record the outro and he’d be done. Then it’d be on to Sony Vegas for the editing process. Overall, he thought the video would come out well.

Devin groaned as he collapsed onto his bed. It was dark out, and he should probably get some sleep. He didn’t technically do much that day, but it still felt like a ton had happened with all of the mental challenges he went through. Also, he had a shift tomorrow, which he was not looking forward to.

As he stared up into the ceiling, he thought about what the future would hold for him. He’d been thinking about that a lot recently. Arguably too much, but he couldn’t help himself.

What kind of person would he grow up to be? What would his relationship be with his parents? His friends? Elise?

It was a lot to think about. The next few years were definitely not going to be a cakewalk, that was for certain.

Devin collapsed onto his bed as soon as he got to his room. It was a long, uneventful day. He planned on falling asleep right then but he eventually decided to waste some time on his computer instead.

Once Devin turned on his computer, something caught his eye. He had been hit with a pop up ad. It was a very odd looking ad. It said that he had been sent some kind of link by an unknown source, and that it was a “once in a lifetime” opportunity to click on it.

Devin’s immediate suspicion was that he had somehow gotten a virus. An unusual one, but still definitely something that would harm his computer. It would be best for him to not click on the link, close the ad, and hope no further damage had been done.

But for some reason, he felt compelled to click on the link. It was as if the ad was pulling him towards itself. Try as he may, he clicked on the link and was taken to a web site.

The web site itself was extremely plain, displaying nothing but a white screen with black text and a “proceed” button. But what immediately grabbed Devin’s attention was what the black text read.

Devin's eyes went wide. He was so shocked he couldn’t move. “It can’t be…” he thought. “It, it can’t be real.”

“TG Questionnaire: If You Were a Girl”

He had been sent the TG questionnaire. The same one that had been written about so many times. The one that would ask him a bunch of questions about what he would be like if he was a girl, and then make those things happen to him. He was sitting right in front of it.

The questionnaire that was supposed to be fictional.

“This has to be a joke.” He thought.

Devin could not accept this as being real. Someone had to be pranking him. There was probably a camera already set up somewhere. Maybe his parents had found out about his obsession and this was their way of insulting him.

Regardless, he clicked the “proceed” button and was taken to the first question, asked in black text with a text box below along with a “next question” button.

“Why did I do that?” Devin asked himself. Did he actually think this questionnaire was real? Was he really that desperate and delusional? It was just an online questionnaire. It couldn’t actually turn him into a girl. If this was a prank, he was giving the onlookers exactly what they wanted.

Ignoring those thoughts, Devin went on to read the first question.

“Question 1: If you were a girl, would your handwriting be nice?”

Devin thought back to what he knew about this questionnaire. If he remembered correctly, each question would change him without him noticing and after he was done he would forget he was ever male at all.

Devin was never particularly fond of the concept of identity death in TG fiction, or in TF fiction in general for that matter. For starters, he thought it was usually pointless when used as a punishment because the TFee never learns anything. They’re just essentially replaced with a new person. He always thought that if the witch or wizard or whatever that’s punishing someone can alter reality, personalities, and memories, then they could just alter the TFee’s mind to make them already have learned whatever lesson they needed to in the first place. It would be a lot simpler than completely rewriting an entire person’s existence.

Furthermore, the idea of losing all of your memories and being replaced by an entirely new person was something that kind of terrified Devin. And identity death was rarely used in the context of horror, as it was usually shoehorned into a story at the last minute for no reason.

Fortunately identity death might not be something Devin would have to worry about, as he also remembered that the results of the TG questionnaire depended greatly on his responses. He had to be very meticulous about his answers if he wanted to keep his memories.

That was, of course, assuming the questionnaire was real at all. Internally Devin admonished himself for actually believing an online questionnaire could alter reality and turn him into a girl. “I really am a gullible idiot”, he thought.

Devin took a deep sigh as he readied his response to the question. He may have been giving some unknown pranksters exactly what they wanted, but he didn’t care about that anymore. To him, he didn’t have any dignity left to lose.

“If I was a girl, my handwriting would be a lot nicer. In fact, it would be the best that is possible by a human hand.”

Devin cracked a light grin. He knew he didn’t have to be honest with his responses. He could just reply with anything he wanted and it would be granted to him. The test was essentially a giant wish list.

Once Devin clicked the “next question” button, he immediately felt something odd in his hands. The feeling made him jump as it took him completely by surprise.

Devin didn’t even need to look down at his hands. Somewhere in his mind or in the universe it was confirmed to him that his hands were different, and it was the result of his answer. Which meant only one thing.

The questionnaire actually worked.

Devin was stunned. He was too stunned to move. Too stunned to think. This questionnaire was real. It would do anything he wanted. Anything he typed as an answer would be granted to him. He would… turn into a girl. And reality would alter itself so that he would have always been a girl. No transition process, no unaccepting parents, nothing. He’d just be a girl and that was it.

Devin’s eyes welled with tears of happiness. He didn’t care about how his desire to be a girl was just a sick fetish of his. Soon he wouldn’t have to care about that anymore. Ever again. He was going to give into this part of himself and never go back and the thought of doing that thrilled him.

Sierra had the most genuine smile that she had ever had on her face as she read the next question. Devin was a shell. A cage to hold in who she truly was. And with that cage gone forever she finally felt free.

“Question 2: If you were a girl, would you like pink?”

“Whoever wrote these questions probably did not put much thought into them”, Sierra thought to herself. Of course, since the questionnaire was about becoming a girl, there just had to be a question asking if you liked pink.

Before she typed in her answer, Sierra recalled that every time she read about this questionnaire, certain belongings of the test taker would change color depending on their answer to this question. With that in mind, she typed in her answer: “I would have the exact same feelings toward the color pink as I do now.”

After clicking “next question”, she looked around her room and saw that nothing had changed. Exactly what she wanted.

“Question 3: If you were a girl, what would your favorite color be?”

Sierra didn’t get it. Couldn’t they have just asked this question and not the one about liking pink? What was even the point of asking if she liked pink if they were going to ask what her favorite color was anyway?

“My favorite color would be the same that it is now.”

Once she clicked “next question”, she felt as if the universe was frustrated at her for having such a vague response. This only made her laugh. She loved being aware she was angering some kind of reality altering force that really wanted to turn guys into girls for some reason.

“Question 4: If you were a girl, what would your hair be like?”

This one was quite a bit more open ended than the previous ones. Maybe the universe was giving her questions more suited towards her own tastes, Sierra thought rather arrogantly.

Sierra thought about it for a bit. If she really wanted to she could say that her hair color would be something unnatural like blue, purple, or a variety of rainbow colors. But she had to think about the future. This would be her hair for the rest of her life. And she didn’t need all the unnecessary extra attention that would come with having unnaturally colored hair.

“My hair would be straight, and extend down below my shoulders. It would retain its brownish blonde color.”

She clicked “next question” and felt her hair extend downward to below her shoulders.

“Question 5: If you were a girl, how tall would you be?”

Sierra wasn’t exactly a giant, but at 5’9”, she’d definitely be on the taller side for a girl. Probably a little too tall, she thought.

“I would be a bit shorter. 5’7”, to be exact.”

Truthfully her height didn’t bother her too much, but if she was being given the option, she might as well choose to be a couple inches shorter.

She clicked “next question” and noticed herself become slightly shorter. Obviously it wasn’t anything that significant but she could still see a clear difference. It did make her wonder where the extra matter went. After all, a human body can’t just shrink two inches in such a short time, especially without any kind of response from the body itself.

In fact, in all of the TG stories where the main character shrinks in size, where does all that excess matter go? Some stories explain it away by saying it’s converted to waste, but a lot of them leave it as is. If a 6’5” buff man can change into a 5’0” petite woman in just a few seconds, wouldn’t that break the laws of physics? Matter can’t be created or destroyed, right?

Sierra was really just wasting her time. It wasn’t worth looking at every small plot hole or inconsistency that a story has. It’s all fiction. Not everything has to line up perfectly with reality.

With that thought out of the way, Sierra read the next question.

“Question 6: If you were a girl, how big would your breasts be?”

This was definitely one of the more important questions, and it was one Sierra really needed to think about. She couldn’t just blow it off.

Or could she?

She had breasts right now, from the months of taking secret hormones, and even though they were rather small, they’d probably continue to grow for at least a while. And because of that, she could just say that her breasts would be as big as they are now. It’d be a pretty easy response for her, especially considering that she didn’t know much of anything about cup sizes and bra measurements.

After thinking it over and contemplating how to word her response, she decided to go with that. “My breasts would continue growing as normal, just like they are doing right now.”

She clicked “next question”, and nothing changed.

“Question 7: If you were a girl, would you use pads or tampons?”

This was another really important question, as it was the one that would change her genitalia. But unlike the last question, it was one where her specific response wouldn’t create any unique changes. No matter what she answered, she’d always gain a vagina.

Sierra pondered it. She was well aware that menstruation was not pleasant and was often quite painful. And it seemed she was about to start going through it. Would it be worth it? Just to gain a vagina that easily? And what would she even type in? She had heard about Toxic Shock Syndrome in regard to tampons, and it sounded pretty bad, so she figured she’d go with pads.

Eventually Sierra decided that it would be worth it. It wasn’t like she was ever going to be given the opportunity to get a vagina this easily ever again. And besides, it wasn’t as if anyone would actually know about her taking this test anyway, so no one would be able to judge her decision.

“I would use pads. I would only use tampons if I had no other options.”

After clicking “next question”, Sierra let out a gasp. She felt her penis pull itself in. It was a very odd feeling. But it did confirm one thing. She now had a vagina.

Having a vagina was just like she imagined. She no longer had to deal with that gross dangling feeling between her legs that bothered her so much. She no longer had to see the disgusting thing in the shower. No longer had to see any kind of bulge in her underwear. It made her so happy she was nearly brought to tears.

After getting herself under control, she read the next question.

“Question 8: If you were a girl, how many dicks would you be able to take at once?”

It seemed that every iteration of this questionnaire asked a really stupid question. How does one even go about answering this?

Sierra contemplated her response for a few minutes, typing some things in to get an idea of what she would say. It took a while, but she settled on an answer she was satisfied with.

“I would be able to take however many dicks I feel like. And I don’t think this is a very good question. It’s too vague and unpredictable. How am I supposed to anticipate what changes will happen to my body depending on my response? What if my answer makes my mouth or vagina opening extend to a length that isn’t biologically viable? It seems like you’re trying to trip me up.”

Once Sierra clicked “next question”, she felt that same feeling of the universe being angry with her again. It only made her grin.

“Final Question: If you were a girl, what would your name be?”

“Only nine questions?” Sierra thought, “I could’ve sworn there were more.”

While it was true that not every iteration of this questionnaire was exactly the same, this one seemed very different. There weren’t even ten questions. Why was this one so short?

Perhaps she got a special one. A special questionnaire for a special recipient, Sierra thought. She laughed. She sure was being arrogant today, wasn’t she? Then again, was she really wrong? She was well aware of the questionnaire’s existence before she came across it herself, which was unlike anyone else who came upon it.

On that note though, did the other people who took this questionnaire genuinely choose their names? This was usually the last question asked, and at this point the test taker has had their mind warped and messed with to a significant extent. So do they actually choose their names? Was this worth wondering about? Probably not.

Sierra, of course, already knew her name. She’d chosen it herself, after all. So she simply typed in “My name is Sierra Farrow”. Once she clicked the “finish test” button, she was greeted with a message.

“Thank you for having the time to go through our little quiz. We hope you enjoyed it. You can send it to whoever you want. Hopefully this next person won’t be such a smartass.”

Sierra chuckled. They really didn’t like her, did they? Well, whoever “they” are anyway. But that didn’t matter. The test was finished. For all intents and purposes, she was a girl now.

As Sierra closed out of the web site, she couldn’t hold back her excitement. It was over. The dull, lifeless void that was her male life was finally over. She’d never have to go through it again. For her, this was the start of a new life. A much better, more fulfilling one.

Sierra’s mind went wild with images of what she now looked like. Pictures of beautiful women filled her head. She imagined herself as the most beautiful and elegant looking woman that had ever lived. Perhaps she should keep her expectations reasonable, but she was so happy she just couldn’t help herself.

Sierra ran to the mirror in her room with a smile on her face.

Her smile immediately fell when she saw what was being reflected.

It was a disgusting sight. It was probably the most vile thing she had ever seen. A hideously deformed human with a giant, asymmetrical body and gaping bloody holes all over, where insects were endlessly crawling out.

It was so bad that Devin began throwing up.

It was the most violent, forceful throw up that Devin had ever had. It felt as if all his organs were being ripped apart and expelled violently out of his mouth. The pain was so unbearable Devin thought he would die.

The vomit itself was a putrid looking blood red. And it had a foul stench worse than anything Devin had ever smelled before.

He tried to stop it but he couldn’t. The vomit kept coming out with no hesitation or break. Soon his entire room was covered in it and tears came out of Devin’s eyes. He was begging for relief. Begging to keel over and die so he’d be put out of his misery. But it didn’t happen. For minutes on end he was left paralyzed on the floor as more and more vomit filled the room. He closed his eyes, praying that it would stop.

Devin's eyes suddenly shot open as he heard the opening notes of “Losing My Religion”. Breathing heavily, it took a few minutes for him to reorient himself.

He had never been so happy to be awake.

It was just a dream. Another really bad dream. Another dream that teased him about how much he wanted to be a girl and showed him how gross he was. He could still feel the pain throughout his body. Still see his disgusting reflection in the mirror. Still smell the awful stench emanating from the vomit.

Why did his dreams have to be so cruel to him? Devin wished that his dreams could provide him with some kind of escape and relief from his dull, grey life. That he could… be a girl in his dreams without any shame. But that never happened. His dreams would never let him be a girl. Instead they resorted to teasing him about his stupid fetish, and he hated them for it.

Devin stared at the ceiling for what seemed like hours. He needed time to destress. Needed time to forget about that awful nightmare he just had.

It took a while, but he finally was able to reach out his hand and check the time on his phone. 8:30. Not much time had passed since he woke up.

He groaned as he got out of bed. He had a shift today at the local retail store. It wasn’t something he was looking forward to, but after the awful dream he just had, it felt slightly less painful.

Devin groaned.

It wasn’t as if working at Sheetz was exceedingly difficult, but it could be tough, and it was definitely unpleasant. Devin quickly found out that working in retail was very stressful, especially when the customers were being massive dicks, which could happen a lot.

Truthfully, Devin only got the job to pay for his hormones. As a minor there weren’t a lot of options for him to take when it came to getting a job, and he was lucky that this Sheetz hired him. It seemed like a pretty good deal. A part time job paying $15 per hour and shifts of 20-25 hours per week was an offer Devin just couldn’t refuse.

It was pretty easy to convince his parents to go along with it. In their minds they saw it as “our little boy is so responsible and hardworking”. Occasionally Devin felt guilty for hiding all this from them. He could only imagine what their reaction would be like if they found out why he really got this job.

Devin got along well with his coworkers, at least mostly. He communicated and worked well with them but it wasn’t as if he ever really took the time to get to know them. To be fair, it wasn’t like they did that either.

As for hiding his changes, it wasn’t as hard as Devin anticipated. He was pretty good at hiding his chest, and no one seemed to suspect anything. That didn’t mean he wasn’t stressed out about it, or that he didn’t have any close calls before, but overall he’d say he was successful.

***

“Well, my shift is over. I’m leaving. I don’t care what the manager says.”

Devin looked over to his coworker, Liam, and saw the annoyance on his face. It was true that the manager was particularly stingy on the times when employees were allowed to leave, and Devin was tempted to reply back with a warning of sorts, but he didn’t. Liam was already well aware of the manager’s thoughts in that area, and Devin wasn’t exactly someone who was comfortable with speaking up to people.

So he just looked on as Liam walked out of the building.

Sometimes Devin wished he had Liam’s confidence. Devin never left his shift immediately, as the manager would always give people a hard time about that. But Liam never cared about what the manager would say. Since staffing wasn’t really a problem at the moment, it was a wonder Liam wasn’t fired.

“Devin, did Liam go early again?”

Devin turned around to see none other than the manager, Morgan. “Speak of the devil”, he thought to himself.

“Umm… no.”

“Don’t get smart with me. You know what I mean.” Morgan said sternly.

“He did… leave, yes.” Devin said to her.

Morgan took a deep breath. “I needed him for another thirty minutes. I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to have this talk with him.”

Devin, stressed from the conversation, turned away from Morgan. Devin was always stressed when she was around, which he presumed was true among all the workers there. Authority figures just always exuded an intimidating presence that affected everyone under them.

It seemed that Liam was one of the exceptions.

Morgan did eventually leave with a groan coming from her mouth, granting Devin relief from some of his stress.

***

Devin had lost track of the time. He wasn’t sure how long it had been since his shift had ended. He guessed about twenty minutes or so but for all he knew it could’ve been forty minutes. Work could seriously skew someone’s sense of time.

“You’re good Devin. You can go home.”

Morgan had caught sight of him and apparently decided she didn’t need him anymore. Devin, immediately relieved of all his stress, walked out of the building and went to his car that his parents had gifted him for his seventeenth birthday. The Sheetz was only ten minutes away from his house, which only made the job more convenient for him.

As Devin drived home, he contemplated Morgan’s behavior. She really needed to be less stingy about employee shift times. When a shift ends, an employee should just be allowed to leave, right? That seemed to make sense, but Morgan always got annoyed when employees left immediately after their shift ended. Did she, as the manager, even have the power to get mad at that? Did she even have the power to make people stay extra time? Devin wasn’t entirely sure.

When Devin arrived at his house, he plopped down on one of the couches in the living room and got out his phone, content to browse through social media for however long until he got bored of it.

***

“Are you sure about this?” Julie asked Ronald.

“Completely. I think it’d be a good thing for everyone.”

Julie sighed. “I… I still think we’re taking this a bit too seriously. We might be worrying about nothing at all.”

“Better safe than sorry, you know?” Ronald said. “Look honey, I just want to be safe, okay? You remember how hard it was just to convince them to get the vaccine. It could be nothing, but what if it isn’t? I just think it’d be best if we just talked to them. And I mean really talk to them. Just to be safe. Alright?”

“Yeah.” Julie said. “Yeah, okay. So we’re going down tomorrow for this, right?”

“Yeah, tomorrow.”

***

“You know, my boyfriend is a football player. Your’s is a wimpy nerd.”

Elise huffed. Emma always said anything she could to boost her ego. Unfortunately for her, she never sounded as cool as she probably intended to. Elise found it kind of funny.

“You’re 15, for you there’s no such thing as ‘being cool’. When you’re older, you’ll look back on these days in embarrassment.”

“Hey, I’m cooler than you were when you were 15. Mainly because my boyfriend is a football player.”

“Do you ever shut up about that?” Elise asked. “We get it. Your boyfriend is a football player. Big deal. He’s 15. It’s not like he’s the star quarterback or anything. You really want to wear that as a trophy? You’re not even on the damn cheer squad.”

“Excuse me?” Emma shot back, offended. “Are you saying I’m not cut out to be a cheerleader?”

“What are you talking about? Since when do you care about that?”

“You can’t just tell me I’m not cut out to be a cheerleader. Do you think I’d be a bad cheerleader?”

Elise chuckled. “I’d like to see you try.”

“Alright, I will! I’ll show you!” Emma told her. “I’ll be a great cheerleader! A fantastic one! One of the best ever!”

Elise rolled her eyes as Emma stormed away.

***

Elise sighed. It seemed that yet again, she was up, late at night. She just couldn’t fall asleep.

It was hard. She simply could not stop thinking about Sierra and what to do about her. It was always the same questions that she pondered over in her mind. What would their future look like? Would they still be together? What would their reputation be at school? Was she still attracted to Sierra?

And then there were some new questions that Elise hadn’t even considered before that she was thinking about, such as how her parents would react to Sierra. She hoped they would be understanding. Things were already complicated enough, she didn’t need another thing to worry about.

Elise groaned. She definitely couldn’t sort all this out on her own. She needed someone to help her. She’d been putting off telling someone about this for too long. She got out her phone and began texting a message to Amanda.

“Hey, are you awake?”

After sending the text, she laid her head on her hand, waiting. It was pretty late out, and Elise didn’t know Amanda’s sleeping habits. For all she knew, she may have just been wasting her time waiting for something.

But, luckily for her, it wasn’t long before she got a response.

“Yeah, what do you want?”

“I need to talk about something. It’s pretty important.”

“What is it?”

Elise contemplated what to say next.

How would she even go about phrasing the message? How could she possibly convey what she was feeling? And how could she do all of this without giving Sierra away?

She could say that she thinks she might be attracted to girls. But was that even true? Could she say that and be honest? On the other hand though, how would she be able to get across anything without saying something along those lines?

It took a while, but Elise eventually found a message she was satisfied with. She texted it to Amanda.

“I think I might like girls.”

Elise sat there for minutes on end, waiting for a response. She couldn't even imagine what Amanda was thinking right now. It had to be a lot to process the message just sent to her.

Though at the same time, Elise also thought she may have been making too big a deal out of this. Perhaps Amanda wouldn't see this as that big of a revelation. Only time would tell.

Of course, there was a lot of context and information that Amanda wasn't getting.

Elise heard her phone vibrate. She had finally gotten a response.

“Okay?”

“Are you planning on leaving Devin?”

That message hit Elise harder the more she thought about it. Upon first seeing it, she realized she probably should've told Amanda that she was still attracted to guys. But at the same time, Devin, or Sierra, wasn't really a guy was she? So what did that mean for Elise? She had wondered about if she would leave Sierra before, but to see someone else ask her if she would hit her a lot harder than she expected.

Elise began constructing her response. “No. I still like guys. I’m not leaving Devin.” She sent the message.

And again, Elise waited. While she did, she started to contemplate the extent to which Amanda could help her. Truthfully, there wasn’t much she could do if she wasn’t getting the full story, or anything even resembling it. So why did Elise ask her for help? Probably just so she could talk to someone. Elise sighed. This would probably be more trouble than it was worth.

Elise felt her phone vibrate again.

“Okay. So what’s the problem?”

Elise was confused. “What do you mean?” She texted back.

“Well, if you’re not leaving Devin and you still like guys, then what’s the problem? You might like girls, so what? It’s no big deal.”

Elise was beginning to get frustrated. With the small amount of information Amanda was getting it was nearly impossible for her to give Elise any kind of help that was actually, well, helpful. Elise was about to text Amanda another vague statement that could possibly grant her a response she’d find comforting or useful, but she stopped herself. What would be accomplished if she did that? They’d just be going through the same motions they just went through, again and again, wasting everyone’s time. There would be no point. It would also make Amanda become more suspicious of what was really going on, making it more likely she’d find out about Sierra before she was ready. It would be for the best if Elise ended it here

“Okay, thanks.” Elise texted Amanda.

Elise turned her phone off and laid it down on her night stand. Amanda didn’t really help her much, but to be fair there wasn’t much she could’ve done. Of course, with the way their conversation went, there was no way Amanda wasn’t going to ask more questions. Elise groaned. At this point she regretted even telling Amanda anything. Now she had even more to deal with.

Elise began to think that perhaps she should go about this situation in a different way. Maybe she should just wait for her new relationship with Sierra to play out, and then find out what she wants to do. And whenever Sierra chooses to “come out”, she can ask others for help. It may not be ideal, but it’s not like she had any other options. Asking others for help right now certainly wasn’t working, at least.

Elise plopped down onto her bed and turned her head toward the window. She’d be going to Sierra’s house again tomorrow. Maybe it was finally time to have some tough conversations with her. Sierra probably wouldn’t be ready, but then again, neither was Elise.

***

The morning sunlight shined through the window of Devin’s room as he woke up. He breathed a sigh of relief. No nightmare this time. Just another random nonsensical dream he was already forgetting.

As Devin got out of bed he wished he could forget about the dreams that would tease him about wanting to be a girl. Unfortunately, for the most part those dreams stayed in his head. The one he had the previous night especially. He could still picture that awful reflection in his mind.

Shaking his head of the unpleasant thought, he got out his phone and saw that Elise had texted him. She said that she was coming over again today. In that case, he should probably get dressed.

As he went over to his closet to find some clothes, his mind went wild with expectations of what Elise and him would do together. He was both excited and afraid. At this point Elise had to have gotten more curious about “Sierra”. She had to have so many questions she wanted to ask. And there was no chance she’d back down from asking them forever.

Also, it was likely that they’d continue reading through “For a Girl”. They were already more than halfway through the story, and it’d be stupid not to finish it after putting so much time into it. Devin was still shocked that Elise seemed to like the story, but he’d been getting quite a few surprises lately.

It was then that Devin remembered exactly which chapter in the story was next.

His eyes went wide as he rushed over to his computer, opened up “For a Girl”, and went to the seventh chapter, only to have his fears confirmed.

“VII - Good Night, Sweet Principal!”

“Shit”, he thought to himself.

On an intellectual level, he knew from when they started reading this story that they would eventually get to this part. And deep down he had dreaded that moment. He’d been able to ignore those feelings before, but now, with the chapter staring right at him, he was forced to confront them.

This chapter was rather infamous among anyone who had read “For a Girl”. At least Devin assumed so, since he had seen multiple reviews on Fictionmania and TG Storytime calling the chapter bizarre, gross, and unnecessary. Whatever the case, this chapter was really bad. If there’s any indication that “For a Girl” hasn’t aged the best it’s this chapter, where Stephanie is manipulated into being spanked by a middle aged man while he doesn’t even try to conceal his erection or arousal. He even takes Stephanie’s hand and has her touch her panties, all while going on about how she was “never meant to be a guy”, and that “she is a good woman because she submits herself under men”.

With all that, it’s not hard to see why the chapter was so controversial.

Devin certainly hated the chapter. For him, it wasn’t necessarily that the story depicted sexual assault that bothered him. He believed fictional stories had a right to depict awful things that happen in real life. No, it was that the story handled a topic as sensitive as sexual assault in such a disrespectful way. In fact, the story itself doesn’t even acknowledge that what the principal did to Stephanie was sexual assault at all, and instead seems to think the experience was some kind of “sexual awakening” for her. That it showed her how much she likes being dominated by men, and so it was good for her.

That was what really tipped Devin off, more than anything else. The idea that sexual assault could in any way be considered a “positive experience”. He understood that in real life, there are plenty of creepy, predatory men that never see any consequences for their actions. It’s simply one of the very cruel facts of life. But the story doesn’t depict anything like that. It instead depicts a sexual assault and doesn’t just not acknowledge that it was a sexual assault, but attempts to argue that it was a good experience for the victim.

And even beyond that, the entire chapter didn’t really add anything to the story. The whole scene of the principal sexually assaulting Stephanie is never really brought up again except for one scene in a later chapter where Stephanie is in the principal’s office again with a news reporter. It simply begs the question “what was the point?”

This one chapter really brought the entire story down in Devin’s eyes. It always left a sour taste in his mouth. While the story was kind of problematic before in the earlier chapters, Devin had always found it manageable. This chapter, on the other hand, was when the story officially jumped the shark. It was the chapter that made it impossible for Devin to think of the story in anything other than a mixed light.

And as Devin looked out his window and saw Elise’s car pull into the driveway, he realized Elise was about to read it.

2 Year Earlier

After years of reading through TG stories on the internet, Devin decides to try writing one himself. He had already taken to drawing some TF comics, so this seemed like the next logical step.

What he quickly learns is that writing, just like drawing, is not nearly as simple as it seems.

It takes a lot of time, and editing, and constant rereadings of the same sections of text to make sure everything flows naturally.

For Devin, it eventually seems like too much to handle, so he stops. It’s not as if his ideas were really any good anyway. Most of them were just retreads of tropes and ideas that had been done before by better authors. He wasn’t a very original person, was he?

When Devin started drawing TF comics, he gained a better appreciation for the amount of work that the artists put into them, and now the same could be said for the writers of these stories. He had a much better idea of the amount of work that goes into writing any story and making it flow as a cohesive narrative. He should really show more respect to the people who write these things, especially since they write them knowing they won’t receive any profit for it.

He had once been frustrated that the “Of Heroes And Villains” series was never finished, as the third installment never made it past the fourth chapter, but now he thought of that frustration as being immature, as well as entitled. That author had gone out of her way to write two whole novels and post them on the internet, where people can read them free of any charge. She didn’t have to do that, but she did. And Devin should have been grateful, if anything, especially since “Of Heroes And Villains” and “The Ties That Bind” made a solid duology on their own.

If Devin really wanted to, he could probably push through and complete one of these stories himself. Maybe people would like it. Maybe they’d even come back to it, and remember it fondly. Maybe it’d help them through a tough time, just like a lot of these stories have done for him. But Devin still decided against it.

Perhaps he just wasn’t cut out for writing.

***

Elise took a deep breath as she approached Sierra’s house. Even though she had the whole night to rest and prepare herself for this visit, she still felt nervous.

Why was she so tense anyway? This was Sierra she was talking to. Sierra was her friend, her lover. And she had been with her twice before. There shouldn’t have been anything to be afraid of.

With that thought, Elise tried to calm herself down. It partially worked, but a lot of that nervousness still remained within her.

With a sigh, she knocked on Sierra’s door, waiting for her to let her in.

***

To say Devin was nervous was an understatement. He was actually afraid of what Elise would think once she read that chapter. Would she hate him? Would she go on a transphobic rampage? Would she go around and say all transgender people were sick fetishists?

“No, no. Stop it!” He reprimanded himself. “Elise is a good person, stop assuming the worst of her. Be a good boyfriend.”

It was definitely true that Devin had a tendency to overreact, from time to time. And this was probably just another thing he was getting far too worked up about. After all, it was just a story. Elise probably wouldn’t care that much if he just explained it to her.

And besides, if she does end up hating transgender people for it, which she won’t, but if she does, it’s not like it would matter to Devin, right? He wasn’t trans, he was just a guy with a gender bending fetish. Right?

Yeah, that made sense to him. He was just a guy with a gender bending fetish. A fetish so strong that he went out of his way to take female hormones for it. A fetish he had to constantly reassure himself of just to banish those thoughts that may actually be transgender away. It may not seem like it to someone else, but really it made total sense.

When he heard the knock on the front door, he snapped out of his contemplation and raced to open it, ready to let Elise in. And to expect the best of her.

***

It took a while, but soon after Elise had knocked on the door, Devin swung it open and greeted her.

“Hey.” Devin said. “Are you doing well?”

“I think so.” Elise responded.

“Good, uh, why don’t you come in?”

Elise proceeded to walk into the house. Afterward Devin closed the front door and locked it.

“So… anything on your mind?” Devin asked.

Elise nodded her head. “A lot, actually.”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. It isn’t often that I have so much to… think about.”

“Oh.” Devin gave a light chuckle. “Right, I understand that… do you want to talk about it?”

“What else would I want to do?”

***

Devin and Elise had sat themselves down on two of the couches in the living room. Devin had asked Elise if she wanted breakfast, to which Elise declined, saying she wasn’t hungry.

“So…” Devin started. “What’s going on?”

“I talked to Amanda yesterday.” Elise replied.

“You did? What did you talk about?”

“Oh, you know, about… recent occurrences.”

Devin suddenly got a very worried look on his face. “You didn’t tell her about-”

Elise’s expression turned into a caring one. “Oh no! Don’t worry. I did not tell her about, well, you know, you.”

Devin took a sigh of relief. “Good. Again, my parents don’t even know about that. And that would’ve been a bad way for them to find out.”

“Are you ever going to tell them?”

Devin hesitated for a bit. “Well, I mean… w-why don’t you just tell me what you and Amanda talked about?”

Elise sighed. “I basically just did. There’s not much else to say. I told her that I might like girls. And then she said that shouldn’t get in the way of anything and to not worry about it.”

“And that was it?”

“Yes.”

Devin contemplated what to say next. “So, do you like girls?”

“I don’t know.” Elise answered. “I… I’m going to be honest, Devin. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

“Do what anymore?”

“This! Devin, it’s just… so much to handle. You’re so secretive for months and then all this about Sierra just suddenly comes out. By accident too! Were you ever planning on telling me?”

“Of course I was.”

“Really? Because I remember you saying ‘I don’t need to tell anyone everything!’”

“Well, that was more of a heat of the moment type thing.” Devin replied tensely. “And I mean, I don’t have to tell anyone everything. I have a right to privacy, you know.”

“Sierra is a pretty big thing. That’s not something you can keep a secret. Do you even know what the others at school were saying about you? Some of them thought you were on drugs or had some kind of disease or something.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Yes! But they believed it. Because you never told anyone what was actually going on. Those body changes from the pills you take? The ones you try to hide? Yeah, people noticed. They may not have noticed what the changes were, but they noticed something was happening. And I’m sure your parents noticed too.”

“I- I- Listen, I know I’ve been secretive lately. But I promise that will be over. From now on, no more secrets. Okay?”

“I don’t think I can believe that.”

Devin looked down. “I don’t think I can either.”

“Are you even ready to commit to that?” Elise asked Devin.

“Probably not.” Devin replied. “I probably couldn’t even bring myself to tell my parents about this. I just… I have no idea how they’d react.”

“I understand.” Elise told him.

Devin looked back up at Elise. “How about this? How about Sierra can be our secret for now. We can decide when she comes out. How does that sound?”

Elise face turned to a frown. “I-I’m not sure if this is the best way to go about this. You’re literally referring to yourself in third person!”

Devin sighed. “I know, I know. It’s complicated. I’m not pretending Sierra and I aren’t the same person. Not anymore, at least. But it’s just… I don’t know. It’s hard. But please, can you do this? Can you keep Sierra a secret for now? Please?”

Elise put her hand on Devin’s shoulder. “Okay. I can do that. Sierra can be our little secret.”

With Elise’s hand on his shoulder, Devin was able to calm down and even give Elise a smile. He found it easier to talk to Elise. And they did talk for about another hour over mostly inconsequential matters. It was just like old times, for them at least. A relief after a very tense conversation.

Eventually though, Devin mustered up the courage to ask Elise that same important question again.

“So…” he said. “Do you like girls? Do you like me?”

“I just, I still don’t…” Elise tried to reply, but she found it hard. This time the question had hit her even harder. What could she say? She didn’t even know what the truth was. And she wasn’t even sure if Devin considered himself a girl. What would be the consequences of her answer? What would happen if she said the wrong thing?

But, it was then when Elise realized something. She was happy with Sierra, wasn’t she? She still liked her. She liked being with her, she liked spending time with her. She just liked her. And she couldn’t deny that she found Sierra’s feminine face cute.

Eventually she settled on something. She stopped caring about the future and decided to live in the moment. And she hoped Sierra would do the same.

Elise gave out a smile. “Of course. I like you, Sierra.”

Devin gave a surprised look before Elise embraced him in a kiss.

When Elise felt those lips on hers for another time, all doubt was erased from her mind. She still didn’t know what the future held for them, but what she did know, is that they’d still be together. They were going to go through this together. And they were going to stay together for as long as they could.

It was only seconds after Elise withdrew her lips that Sierra nearly threw herself onto Elise. It was then Elise’s turn to give out a surprised look before joining in on another make out session.

Sierra wasn’t sure what was happening but she loved it. She wanted more. She didn’t know how much but she wanted more.

Every other time that she and Elise had made out in the past, there had always been some kind of underlying discomfort. She had definitely liked kissing her before, but there was always something that held her back from truly loving it.

That was gone now.

There was nothing to hold her back anymore. And Sierra couldn’t get enough of it. She completely lost track of time, losing herself in the moment, exactly like Elise wanted her to.

The two proceeded to make out on the couch for minutes on end.

***

“Okay…” Elise grinned as she slowly pulled herself away from Sierra. “I think that’s enough kisses for now.”

Sierra frowned, which only made Elise laugh. “Aww, you’re so cute when you pout.”

Blushing, Sierra pulled Elise into a hug, laying her head on her shoulder and embracing her in a cuddle.

“I love you too.” Elise said.

***

After a few more minutes of cuddling, Elise ended the embrace and stood up from the couch.

“I’m sorry but I’m actually getting pretty hungry. I’d really like some breakfast.”

Sierra was at first disappointed to see Elise end their cuddling session and she even gave out another pout.

Elise laughed. “Do you know how adorable you are?”

Sierra blushed. “Alright, we can-”, she suddenly stopped talking when she heard her voice. That ugly, deep, masculine voice.

“Is everything okay?” Elise asked with concern.

“Yeah… Yeah of course.” Devin replied. “Umm… I was saying we can cook together… if you’d like.”

“Oh, that sounds like a wonderful idea!” Elise exclaimed. “I can’t wait to see your kitchen skills!”

Elise practically sprinted to the kitchen while Devin just stayed there in the living room, sitting on the couch.

It was his voice. It was always his voice. Every single time he fell into Sierra, he’d go right back as soon as he heard his voice. His very low, very male voice that he hated so much.

Why hadn’t he started voice training yet? When it came to the hormones, the pixie cut, and even the electrolysis session, he was very persistent. He had of course pretended at the time that “Sierra” was forcing him to do those things, but that didn’t change his determination to get them done. So what was different now? He wasn’t nearly as obsessed with getting the voice training done as he believed he’d be.

Perhaps it was just the amount of work and commitment that voice training required. He’d need to keep at it every day for months to see any results at all. It was such a daunting task.

To make matters worse, he had three months of summer vacation before the next year of high school, and that meant he had to make a decision quickly. If he wanted to sound passable at all as a girl, he needed to start voice training now. All the bullying and harassment he’d get would no doubt be much worse if he still sounded like a guy.

Hell, whether or not he’d go to school as Sierra next year was a massive decision in it of itself. And it was one that would require a lot of work if he went through with it. He’d need to tell his parents, get them to agree, get a bunch of paperwork sorted out, shop for a new clothing selection, and do the voice training all on top of that. It was so much to handle, and Devin didn’t even want to think about it, but he knew that eventually, he’d have to.

It wasn’t like the other decision was much better either. Try to get through his last year of high school as a guy, while Elise knew him as a girl and he still had to take another gym credit, forcing him into a locker room. It would be damn near impossible to hide his changes there. A bunch of young teenage males aren’t just not going to notice when a guy in a locker room takes off his shirt and reveals an obvious pair of breasts and a bra. And even if he is somehow able to change in a room other than the locker room, the gym clothes he’d be changing into would leave his breasts visible to everyone. It seemed like Devin was stuck in a corner. No matter what option he chose, he was fucked.

Devin laid his head on his hand. Of course, all of this was assuming he could even sort himself out. Honestly sometimes Devin didn’t even understand himself. He had no qualms with transgender people, and he supported them whenever he could, but whenever the idea that he himself was transgender came up in his mind, he immediately shot it down. For some reason the very idea of being transgender was appalling to him. He desperately did not want to be “one of them”, no matter what. He’d rather be a guy with a genderbending fetish, something he was still deeply ashamed of, than a trans girl.

And at the same time, if he was being honest, he was starting to warm up to Sierra. It was becoming clear he was just having more fun as her, and the idea of giving into her completely didn’t sound quite as awful and terrifying as it used to.

There was a hell of a lot wrong with him, that was for sure. It would definitely confuse the average person.

“Hey, are you coming?” Elise asked from the kitchen

“Oh, yeah… sorry.” Devin shook himself out of his deep contemplations and went to join Elise.

***

“Okay, so I looked through your cabinets and refrigerator. Sorry, by the way. But I found all the ingredients for pancake mix. We could definitely make some killer pancakes, from scratch. What do you think?”

“Umm… yeah. That sounds good.” Devin responded.

Elise tilted her head to the side. “Are you sure everything’s okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s okay. Just thinking things over.”

“Oh? What things?”

Devin sighed. It seemed he had already given away too much information. At this point he might as well say everything. After all, he had promised to her that he would no longer be keeping secrets… kind of, at least.

“I was just thinking about school next year. Whether I’m going to be going as Devin or… Sierra, or whatever. And whether I’m going to start voice training… And whether I can even figure everything out. That kind of stuff. It’s just so much. I… I don’t know what I can do. It’s like no matter what I do, things are going to be bad.”

“Well.” Elise started. “No one ever said life would be easy.” She gave out a light chuckle. “I mean I guess in your case it is pretty hard, but I just want you to know that… I’ll- I’ll always be there for you, if you need support. I know I’ll never completely understand what you’re going through, but… we’re going to get through this together. I promise.”

Devin smiled at that. It was a corny, clichéd response, but it worked. And it better had to, he read TG stories after all.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Now, do you want to make some pancakes?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, that sounds great.” Devin answered.

***

To his surprise, Devin was actually having a lot of fun cooking with Elise. He hadn't really put much thought into that suggestion when he first made it, but he was still glad that the idea came to his mind. He might even do this with her again some time.

“And now Emma’s actually going to join the cheerleading squad all because I told her she wasn’t a cheerleader. I didn’t even say she’d be bad at it, I just pointed out that she wasn’t a cheerleader to try and get her to shut up about her boyfriend being a football player. She doesn’t have any idea what she’s signing up for. She’s going to get her neck broken or something.” Elise said as Devin poured another pancake on the griddle.

“Well, you’ve never been a cheerleader, have you? So why are you judging her?” Devin asked.

“I’m not trying to judge her, but… it’s just the truth! Cheerleading is really dangerous! I heard there’s at least one death per year from it. And Emma is no gymnast.”

“I guess I can’t argue with that. You know, I never really understood cheerleading. To me it just seems like making a bunch of girls do incredibly dangerous stunts in revealing outfits all just to cheer on the male sports players. Is this really something we want to continue? In our ‘modern progressive’ age? Seems pretty backwards.”

Elise gave out a light groan. “Oh geez Devin, do you really need to be like that? I know some of the girls on the cheerleading squad, and they’re all really hard workers. They love doing what they do. And they understand the danger. Would you really say what you just did to one of them?”

“No, I just have some problems with the sport, that’s all.”

“How would you fix it?”

Devin parted his lips. “Hmm, I’m not sure. I might have to get back to you on that.”

***

“You know, there were quite a few early 2000s pop songs about Superman.” Devin said. “I guess there’s not enough to call it a trend. Maybe a mini trend or something? I don’t know. But look, you had ‘Kryptonite’ by 3 Doors Down, ‘Superwoman’ by Lil Mo and Fabolous, ‘Superman It’s Not Easy’ by Five for Fighting, and ‘Superman’ by Eminem. And hell, if you want to go even further, there was ‘Hero’ by Enrique Iglesias and ‘Hero’ by Chad Kroeger. I really wonder, what was going on back then?”

“Don’t know. Maybe they knew that one day people would be going on random tangents about it.” Elise grinned.

Devin scoffed.

***

The pancakes were good. Really good. No bitter spots, and only a few ended up burnt.

“Whipped cream?” Elise asked.

“It’s more for presentation purposes.” Devin said as he shaked the bottle.

“Can I have some?”

“Yeah, just wait.”

Devin sprayed some whipped cream on his pancakes before giving the bottle to Elise.

“Thank you.”

Devin watched as Elise sprayed the whipped cream. “So.” He started. “Are your parents really going to let you stay all day?”

“Pretty much. Though they insist I come home before nightfall. Remember, they still don’t know your parents aren’t here.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah… I’ve been meaning to ask you, how did you convince your parents to let you stay home by yourself for a whole week?”

“Well.” Devin answered. “I think it’s mainly about earning trust. So far I haven’t done anything illegal, I have a part time job, and I’ve shown I can keep the house clean. With all that, it becomes a lot easier to make your case. Also the fact that my extended relatives are, well, let’s just say ‘not with the times’ helps.”

Elise gave him a knowing nod. “I know how you feel. Like, my grandparents are very backwards these days. I heard my dad say they might be QAnon nuts. I believe him honestly. Apparently they’re going over today to talk to them about it. It probably won’t go well.”

“You should at least have some hope.” Devin told her.

“Yeah but we should also be realistic about these things. This isn’t the first time they’ve tried to talk to them. It didn’t work then so why do they think it’ll work now?”

“Again, hope. They probably have a lot of it.”

“What good is hope if it’s unrealistic?” Elise said. “And besides, my grandparents are also wildly racist, why are they the victims here?”

Devin swallowed a bite of his pancake. “I actually agree with you there. Like, I remember one time when I was six spending the night at my grandparent’s house, and my grandfather told me he’d ‘beat the shit out of me’ if I turned out to be a ‘faggot’. I didn’t even know what a ‘faggot’ was at the time. I still remember the look on my parents’ faces when I told them about it.” Devin took another bite. “Honestly that’s probably the main reason why they let me stay here and didn’t force me to go to Florida for a week. So I wouldn’t have to deal with my grandfather.”

Elise’s eyes widened after Devin told his story. “Wow, that’s… that’s insane. He really said that?”

Devin nodded.

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah, it’s crazy what some older relatives will say. But like, the point I’m trying to make is that my grandfather isn’t the victim here. He’s not just a poor victim of homophobic propaganda, he has agency of his own.” Devin chewed and swallowed another bite of pancake. “You know, I keep hearing people say stuff about the white working class and how they’re tricked into being racist and stuff like that, and like, I kind of understand what they’re trying to say. You look back at history and you see politicians divert those peoples’ anger toward immigrants and minorities and it usually works pretty well. I mean hell, just look at Trump. That was basically like half of his entire campaign. But… these people… they have agency. Being poor isn’t an excuse to join the KKK, you know? And what about the working class people of color? They’re even worse off and they’re the ones that have to deal with all the racism. I’m just… tired of hearing about how I should feel sorry for people like my grandfather. I’m afraid I can only have so much sympathy for them.”

“Yeah, I… I don’t think I could’ve explained it better.”

***

The two teens, being as hungry as they were, finished all of the pancakes they had made. This amounted to them eating eight pancakes each, easily filling up their stomachs.

Elise groaned. “I think I may have eaten too much.”

“Me too.”

They both sat on a recliner together, cuddling and looking out the window, admiring the summer view.

“There anything else you want to do today?” Devin asked.

“I’d like to read more of that story of yours.”

Devin’s face quickly turned pale. “Umm… you mean ‘For a Girl’?”

“Yeah, of course. It may not be ‘your’ story but you know what I mean.”

Devin gulped, his face remaining its pale color.

“Something wrong?” Elise asked.

Devin wasn’t sure what to say. After the long talk on the couch and the cooking session he had completely forgotten about the next chapter of “For a Girl”. The chapter where the creepy, perverted principal strips Stephanie half naked, forces her on his lap, and spanks her with a paddle while not even trying to contain his blatant arousal.

What was he supposed to say? He didn’t want to let Elise down as she was probably looking forward to reading the story with him. But he was still afraid of what her reaction would be at the chapter. Would she hate him and think he was gross? Would she break up with him and never see him again?

Devin rubbed his face with his hands and took a deep breath. “No”, he ordered himself. He already went over this. He was not going to think the worst of his girlfriend. She was a good person. He had already promised himself that he would expect the best of her, and it was time to make good on that promise. He needed to calm down, stop imagining insane scenarios in his head and just explain it to her. Who knows, maybe this wasn’t even that big of a deal anyway, and Devin was just insanely overreacting.

And besides, she already knows the story exists. She can very easily read it on her own and find out that way. So it was better to rip the band-aid off now.

“Seriously Devin, what’s wrong.”

Devin closed his eyes and prepared himself for what he was about to say. “Listen, Elise, there’s something I need to tell you about that story.”

“Okay?”

“Remember when I said that story was problematic and hasn’t aged well in a lot of ways?”

“Yeah?”

“Well… the next chapter is about Stephanie getting stripped down half naked by the principal, and then getting spanked by him in what is supposed to be an erotic scene. The rest of the story goes on as if this was not sexual assault.” Devin blurted out the words quickly, but they were still understandable.

There was silence among the two for a while. Elise undoubtedly needed time to process what was just said to her.

“Are you serious?” She asked.

“Completely.”

“Damn. I… don’t know what to say. I just- wow. I absolutely need to see this.”

Devin, puzzled and not quite expecting that reaction, simply asked “why?”

“Because I seriously can not believe the author would actually put that into the story. I need to see if it’s real.”

“But Elise…” Devin said desperately. “It’s gross. It’s sexist. Wouldn’t it just show that all TG fiction is gross? That I’m… gross?”

“What? Why would I think you’re gross?”

“Because… you know, what’s in the chapter.”

Elise groaned. “Oh god Devin do you have to turn everything into a crisis? Of course I’m not going to think you’re gross. You didn’t even write the damn story. Hell, I asked you about it, not the other way around. And if what you’re saying is true, well, then yes, it would be sexist and gross, but one tasteless scene in one story is not going to make me write off all… ‘TG fiction’ or whatever as bad and gross. Listen, when I was in my tweens I read so many fucked up fanfictions with disgusting and offensive shit. Whatever this is, I’m pretty sure I can handle it.”

“So… you’re not mad at me?”

Elise took Devin’s hand. “Of course not, and you need to stop worrying so much over nothing. Just relax, okay?”

Devin sank back into the recliner as he felt a large weight lifted off his shoulders. To his relief he had just been overreacting again. “Thank you.” He told Elise.

“No problem. So, you want to go up to your room and read that next chapter?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

Devin and Elise got up from the recliner and stretched themselves out. As they did, a thought occurred to Devin. It was such a nice day out. Why waste it being inside reading the story on a computer?

“Do you want to read it outside on my phone?” Devin asked.

“Sure.”

Devin and Elise felt the cool summer breeze blow through them as they both sat on a bench swing, reading “For a Girl” on Devin’s phone. The bench swing itself was covered by a few trees in a shady area, a blessing for them, as they were approaching the time of year when the sun could get exceptionally brutal.

The reading session was going fine so far. Devin even let out a light chuckle at the part where Stephanie vividly recalls having a female orgasm in a classroom, only to find out she’s actually starting to have one in real time. However, that couldn’t be for long. Devin knew what was about to come, and it was going to be difficult, not to mention uncomfortable, to read.

Elise, on the other hand, was more curious than anything else. She was mostly wondering if the author had actually done what Devin had said they did. It seemed so bizarre and gross that she couldn’t believe it. But at the same time, it wouldn’t have made much sense for Devin to lie about it, considering he would have nothing to gain.

She didn’t know why she was so eager to read on to see what would happen. If Devin was telling the truth, it would be a pretty gross and tasteless use of sexual assualt in a scene. But the prospect of reading and finding out for herself still very much allured her, much in the same way that a car accident allured people.

Awful things just seemed to attract attention.

***

“Holy shit.” Elise said as the spanking scene concluded. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Yeah, that was basically my reaction when I first read this.” Devin replied. “Just… very shocked and grossed out. It was very uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. Quite a few reviewers thought the same thing.”

“I can see why. What the hell was that? Why did the author think it was a good idea to put that in there?”

“I really don’t know. I guess maybe they wanted to appeal to the crowd at the time? A lot of those old Fictionmania stories had really weird, gross scenes like this.” Devin paused for a split second. “Actually, on second thought, I’m not sure if that’s true. I read some of the reviews from 2003, and there were quite a few people who thought this scene was bad even back then.”

Elise shook her head. “I just don’t know what the author was trying to get across here.”

“Well, as someone who has read this story multiple times, I don’t know either.”

***

Devin and Elise continued reading through the seventh chapter, making some comments and general banter along the way. Once they were finished with it, Elise stood up from the bench swing and stretched herself out.

“Jeez, I think I need to take a break after that one.”

“Yeah… I think I do too. Shit, what time is it, again?” Devin checked his phone. “1:08. You sure you don’t have anywhere special to be today?”

“No, unless my parents spring something up on me again.”

Devin snickered. “Yeah, really sucks when parents do that, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does.”

Devin nodded his head before looking around his backyard, and then at the road connecting to his house.

“Have you ever seen my neighborhood?”

“No.”

“Would you like to?”

Elise smiled. “Of course.”

***

The walk wasn’t very long. Devin’s neighborhood was fairly small, and in an isolated area off of the main road. There wasn’t much to see or do. Still, it had some nice views and was worth the time.

Well, at least mostly.

“God fucking dammit.” Devin muttered as a neighbor’s dog began barking.

Elise giggled. “You really hate dogs that much?”

“Yes, I do. Everytime I just want to take a walk around to clear my head, that dog comes in and ruins it with its barking. Now everyone knows we’re here.”

“Oh come on, dogs are cute. Just look at the one barking at us. You really can’t say it’s cute?”

Devin turned his head to look at the dog. “Sure, it’s cute. But it’s also annoying, and dirty, and loud.”

“I can’t believe you. So tense and serious. You need to wind down more often.”

“Is that so?” Devin grinned. “Well maybe you could give me a back massage if I need to wind down.”

“Hey.” Elise playfully hit Devin on the back. “Not in public. Thought you just said you didn’t like attracting attention.”

“Not here obviously. Back in the house. I’m not that clueless.” He responded.

Shortly after Devin said that, the phrase “I’m not that clueless” continued to run through his mind. Specifically the word “clueless”. For some reason Devin suspected that something was wrong, and that he was doing something very reckless and stupid.

It was then that Devin stopped dead in his tracks. Elise, taking notice of this, stopped as well.

“What?” She asked.

“I’m not wearing my sweatshirt.” Devin said the words quickly and bluntly.

In his mind, Devin was screaming at himself. How could he be so clueless? How could he have forgotten to put his sweatshirt on? What was wrong with him? And this was just a neighborhood walk, what if he had forgotten to put a sweatshirt on at a restaurant, or a mall, or a movie theater, or anywhere in public? What would he do then? Just stand there as people stared at his breasts? He was hopeless. Absolutely hopeless.

Meanwhile Elise was more puzzled, and a bit concerned. She looked down and confirmed that he was indeed not wearing a sweatshirt. She actually found it weird that she hadn’t noticed, and also found it weird that she was already getting used to seeing Devin with visible breasts and a showing bra strap.

A part of Elise was a bit astounded at Devin’s lack of self awareness. He did realize that he didn’t look like a guy, right? The shaved legs, the pixie cut, the soft face, and obviously the breasts were a pretty big giveaway. As long as he didn’t talk, most people would look at him and just see a girl. Did he really not realize that?

“Hey.” Elise said softly. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“No. No, it’s not okay.” Devin said. “Look at me!”

Devin felt like he was about to hyperventilate. Never again would he make a mistake like this, ever. He had to be more careful. He didn’t just forget to put his sweatshirt on, he didn’t even realize he had forgotten until midway through the walk. He needed to keep himself in check, or else Sierra would be revealed to everyone before even the week was over.

Elise grabbed Devin’s hand. “Devin, please, calm down.” She then pulled out her phone and opened its camera. “Devin, look at yourself.”

Devin turned his head to face Elise’s phone. “Umm, you’re not going to take a picture, are you?” He asked nervously.

“No. LOOK.”

Devin looked at the phone for a few seconds, trying to figure out what Elise was wanting him to see.

“I- I don’t get it.” He said after a while. “What am I looking at?”

“Yourself! Devin, I don’t know how else to say this. You don’t look like a guy anymore.”

Devin, still on edge, was about to shoot back and say that he definitely looked like a guy. But he didn’t. His mouth was kept shut.

This obviously wasn’t the first time he had thought about what other people would see him as, and the part of his mind that insisted that he truly did look like a girl was still very prevalent and loud within him. But it was the first time he had heard someone else directly tell him he didn’t look like a guy.

“It’s Elise. Of course she’d say that to me. She’s my girlfriend and she wants to be nice.” His mind argued. “But look at yourself. Can you really say that most people would see you as a guy right now?”

“Do you think you look like a guy?” Elise asked.

Try as he may, Devin couldn’t answer that question. He didn’t know what he thought. His mind went on debates with itself far too many times for that to be the case. The best he could give was an incredibly vague answer.

“I know what I look like.”

Elise sighed. “I’d really like it if you actually answered the question.”

“Does everything have to be a big interrogation scene?”

“No. Come on, just please tell me. Do you think you look like a guy?”

Devin stood there silent, still unable to answer the question.

“Devin-”

“I DON’T KNOW!” Devin shot back. “I don’t know! My mind keeps telling me I look like a guy but it also keeps telling me I look like a girl! I- I just… it’s so frustrating! It’s driving me insane! What am I supposed to do!? What am I supposed to believe!?”

“Devin, calm down. I don’t want you to have a panic attack. Deep breaths… please.” Elise pleaded with him.

Hearing Elise’s desperation, Devin closed his eyes and breathed in and out, deeply. Slowly but surely, all the tension seemed to evaporate off of him, and it was actually rather soothing. When he opened his eyes, he felt calm again.

“You know, with all your worrying, you want to know something you didn’t realize?” Elise asked. “The world didn’t end, no one noticed anything, and in the grand scheme of things, none of this really mattered.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I don’t want you to be sorry. Look, these past few months I’ve been worried so much about you. I don’t want to have to be worried. I want you to be okay. I want you to be better. Not for me, for yourself. I see you and there’s so much tension there. I want you to relax, and just live for a bit, okay?”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“That’s why I love Sierra so much.” Elise said. “She’s not so tense. She’s just happy, and enjoying life. She doesn’t need to ask if she looks like a girl, because she knows she is one.”

Devin swallowed and nodded his head. “Okay.”

“Can Sierra be here more often?”

Devin hesitated and took a deep breath. “I’ll think about it.”

“Please do. I’d love it if she could.”

“Yeah… yeah, okay.” Devin said quietly.

The inherent beauty in a nice summer day is really quite amazing. How the light breeze and the bright blue sky come together to create such a calming and alluring effect. It’s as if the entire world is at peace, and taking you with it.

That peace is exactly what Devin and Elise felt once they returned to the bench swing. The tension from Devin realizing he had forgotten his sweatshirt had all but disappeared. It’s funny really, so quickly it was like he was never even upset about it. As if it was completely wiped from history.

Devin wondered why he even cared so much about that in the first place. Why would he need to wear a sweatshirt? It was only a short walk. And it’s not as if his breasts were really that noticeable under his T-shirt anyway. It’s such an innocuous thing to get worked up on.

“There I go again”, he thought, “making mountains out of molehills”.

***

“So, I take it the spanking scene is never mentioned again?” Elise asked.

“Basically.” Devin answered. “Though to be fair, it is mentioned one other time later on when Stephanie is in the same room with a news reporter. She sees the principal and briefly wants to recreate the scene. And then later on again in the last chapter where she says the experience was some kind of ‘sexual awakening’ for her.”

Elise huffed. “I swear this story never gets boring.”

***

The eighth chapter of “For a Girl” was a lot easier to read than the seventh. It was insane how much one creepy scene could bring an entire chapter down. Well, it wasn’t really that insane, but Devin liked to think it was.

This was also the chapter where the “courthouse drama” subplot began. Essentially, one of the opposing team’s runners takes legal action against Stephanie, prohibiting her from competing in the girl’s mile. Then a significant portion of time in the next three chapters is spent portraying a court case that is supposed to decide if Stephanie should be allowed to compete in the girl’s race.

The main question was if Stephanie had some sort of biological advantage that would make her participation in the race unfair. And already real world parallels with trans athletes could be drawn. Except… not really. The story does seem to try to connect its fictional court case to the real world controversies involving trans athletes, but aside from a few brief mentions of transphobia and the Renee Richards controversy it doesn’t really do much from that angle. The story could’ve simply not mentioned the trans angle at all and nothing would have changed.

It just seemed like a useless endeavor. “For a Girl” is a fictional story about a fake nanobot plague that turns teenage boys into girls. Any relation to trans athletes in the real world is very minimal. Perhaps a stronger connection does exist but it’s something the story doesn’t touch upon.

Devin had heard some people online say that the story appropriates the real struggles of trans athletes without really acknowledging that trans people even exist, and it wasn’t like he could argue with that.

***

“Smooth one, Hal.” Devin said. “Just say that Stephanie’s hotter than the other team’s girl. That’ll really convince them.”

“Come on Devin, be fair.” Elise said back. “It does sound like something a 17 year old boy would say.”

Devin nodded. “It probably does.”

***

Shortly after the admittedly over the top confrontation scene, the following scene had Stephanie sat down on the bleachers crying, thinking her life is over. Since she can’t run at the district track meet, she isn’t going to be able to get any scholarships from colleges, making pursuing a future running career much more difficult. And she hadn’t really considered any backup plan, so to her she’s just going on to college without any real prospects of what she’d want to do in life.

To Devin, it was a really good scene, and he could definitely relate to it. He had lost count of how many times in the past he had gone into a depressive manic episode thinking his life was over because one thing went wrong. Obviously never on the same level as Stephanie in the story, but the general idea was still the same.

The scene didn’t last very long as it’s revealed pretty quickly that Stephanie still has a chance at the national meet, but it was good while it lasted.

***

“Is Jim Martin an actual person?” Elise asked.

“As far as I can tell, no. I looked it up and the closest thing I found was an attorney from Missouri named James Martin who served in 2004.”

“Honestly I’d probably be more shocked if he was an actual person.”

“Yeah, me too.”

***

“So, this is what kind of conflicts me.” Devin said. “You see, this part right here, where Stephanie and Hal kiss, is written almost exactly like a romance novel, primarily for women, but other parts of the story, like well, the spanking scene, feel like they’re written primarily for men.”

“I don’t know, if you ask me, this whole story is written for women.”

“How?”

Elise looked at Devin like he was stupid. “Because it’s WRITTEN. Men don’t really like written pornography. They like visual stuff.”

Devin just stared at Elise. He had never quite thought of it like that before. But at the same time, could he really confidently say that “For a Girl”, or MtF TG stories in general, were aimed at women?

It was true that a lot of TG stories had a romantic subplot. Hell, as far as Devin could recall, nearly every single TG story he had read included one. It seemed to be a staple of the genre, so ingrained into it that it was almost weird to read a TG story that didn’t have one.

But just having romance in a story doesn’t mean it’s aimed at women. Even if a lot of romance novels seem to be geared toward a female audience, just having a romantic subplot is not enough for a story to be considered “aimed at women”. In fact, what did it even mean for a story to be “aimed at women”? Leaning into that logic just seemed to open oneself up to having a lot of sexist or dated beliefs.

Assuming that one would completely buy into the view that some media is primarily aimed at men and some is primarily aimed at women, where would that put MtF TG stories? If just having romance wasn’t enough of a reason for a story to be aimed at women, then what was?

It was a bit tricky to think about. For instance, a big theme present in many MtF TG stories in some form was the gradual erosion of one’s own manhood. There came a point in the story where the TG’d character accepted their status as a woman. Sometimes it’s the main focus of the story, and other times it’s in the background, but either way it’s there. And it’s a theme that the average woman probably wouldn’t be able to really emotionally connect with.

On the other hand though, a story’s primary target audience could mostly have to do with not the themes, but rather the presentation. Looking at “For a Girl”, a large part of the story focused on how Stephanie adapts to the new life that was forced upon her. For as much as the story fails from a feminist perspective, Devin did have to admit it did a good job of portraying life as a woman as being special in its own unique way. Not a realistic job, but a good job nonetheless. Perhaps the average woman would find that idea appealing, but they also might be turned away by just how ridiculous and unrealistic the story is. Then again, it’s not as if Devin had many reactions or statistics he could use to confidently make that statement.

And hell, speaking of presentation, what of the presentation of the romance? If romance itself is not enough for a story to be considered “aimed at women”, then maybe the presentation of the romance could suffice.

Looking again at “For a Girl”, the romance is presented in such a way that does actually kind of resemble how it would be presented in a typical romance novel. A lot of the descriptions of Hal have to do with how he’s not just physically attractive, but also a “great man” who will treat Stephanie “with the love she deserves”, so to speak. He’s kind, charming, and protective. It’s clear that he genuinely cares about Stephanie both as a lover and as a person.

And it’s not just the descriptions of Hal that follow this kind of presentation, but also the descriptions of how Stephanie feels when she’s around him. The amount of emphasis put on how she feels safe and loved with him only confirmed to Devin his suspicions. The romance in “For a Girl” followed the presentation of a regular romance novel.

So, with all that in mind, Devin could concede that yes, most MtF TG stories had more in common with the kinds of stories that would conventionally be geared more toward women than those geared more toward men. And it’s not just the straight stories, but the lesbian ones too. Scribblehub was filled with plenty of explicitly trans lesbian stories, as well as a lot of isekai and harem. And while the way those stories handled presentation was usually not at all similar to a typical romance novel, they still seemed to be geared more toward a female audience, mainly with how they depict and handle lesbian relationships.

Sure, many would disagree with the statement that MtF TG stories were mainly geared toward women. And maybe some of them had a good reason. Perhaps they just thought that trying to figure out a story’s target audience was a waste of time and that everyone of any demographic had a right to read and enjoy the stories. Or maybe the author truly didn’t have any target demographic in mind when writing the story, and projecting one onto them would be pretentious and rude.

On the other hand, there were probably a lot of people who would dismiss MtF TG stories on the whole for being sexist, but those kinds of people tended to be few and far between. And even for the ones that did exist, they were probably just extremely bigoted in some way, and also hypocritical. After all, “50 Shades of Grey” and “Twilight” both had a mostly female audience and Devin would have been lying if he said those stories didn’t have a ton of problematic and sexist elements.

***

“I don’t think they ever called them ‘slumber parties’.” Elise said.

“The term itself is kind of an oxymoron, honestly. A party is something that’s usually lively, and loud. And it’s juxtaposed with a word that means ‘sleep’.” Devin pointed out.

“Also it just sounds dumb.”

“Yeah, that too.”

***

Devin rubbed his face with his hands and groaned. “Eight chapters down and only six more to go. You want to read the next one?”

“Right now?” Elise asked. “No, not really. I think I’m good for the day.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“How many times have you read that story anyway?”

“Oh, I’ve lost count.” Devin answered. “Sometimes I don’t even really read it, I just skim through it for a day. I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about that story that makes me want to keep coming back to it.”

“How often do you come back to it?”

“Varies.” Devin responded. “I guess at least three times per year, with only about one of them being a legitimate, full reading.”

“Sounds like a lot.”

“It is. Nobody should be that addicted to one story, not even if it’s the best story ever written.”

“I hear you on that.” Elise agreed.

Devin nodded then looked around him, noticing how the shadows had moved ever so slightly from when they began sitting there.

“What time is it now?”

“Oh, it’s…” Elise checked her phone. “2:26.”

“Wow, that long?”

“Yeah…” Elise answered. “Crazy, huh?”

“You’re telling me.”

Elise gave a light giggle before speaking again. “You know, Devin, I’ve kind of been wondering, where do you keep your pills?”

“You mean the… hormones?”

“Yeah, those pills.”

Devin stood up from the bench swing. “Well… they’re in my room, hidden away. With some other stuff as well. Can I trust that you won’t tell my parents?”

“Yes.” Elise replied. “What reason would I have to tell them, anyway?”

Devin smiled. “Okay then, follow me.”

***

Devin opened up his closet, pulling out the secret safe. “Well, here it is.”

“So… that’s where you keep all your stuff? In that?” Elise pointed at the safe. “It’s pretty small.”

“I mean, I don’t really have a lot to hide.” Devin said.

Devin took the safe and placed it on his bed. “This thing cost me like $90, but it was definitely worth it. It’s an electronic safe, so I don’t have to deal with the hassle of turning a dial every time I have to open it. I, uh, trust I can type in the code in front of you, right?”

“I guess…”

Devin typed in the digital code “2664018”, opening the safe and revealing the contents inside. “You know, I like to think of it as a phone number. 266-4018? Maybe it could be in a song just like… well.” Devin shook his head. “Anyway, this is what’s inside. Just the hormones and a few sports bras.”

Elise reached her hand inside and grabbed one of the sports bras. “Is this really it? Only three sports bras? You do wash these, right?”

“Of course.”

“How? Surely you can’t just put them in the washing machine.”

“No.” Devin replied. “I hand wash them. It takes a lot of time, and I have to be very careful about it, but it works.”

“And you’ve never been caught?”

“Not yet, but… I’ve been getting a lot of close calls lately. Your parents tend to notice when you’re wearing a sweatshirt in 90 degree weather. Honestly, right now… I- I think it’s only a matter of time before I mess up and they find out.”

“What will you do then?”

“I’m not sure… hope for the best, I guess.”

Elise turned her attention back to the sports bra. “What’s your cup size?”

“My… cup size?”

“Yeah.”

“Umm, A-Cup? I think?”

Elise squinted her eyes. “So… you don’t know.”

“Well, I- I, umm.” Devin stammered for a bit before looking down, his cheeks reddening. “No, I don’t know.”

“How did you even get these bras then!?”

“I don’t know, I just kind of bought them.”

Elise sighed. “You’re like a child, you know that? Did you even try to learn how to get measurements?”

“I mean, I looked it up, a- and it just looked so complicated and stuff.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “God, Devin you’re so helpless. Look, if you’re going to have boobs, this is stuff you need to know. Do you know your band size?”

“N- No, I don’t.”

“See, helpless. If you wear a bra that doesn’t fit, it can actually damage your skin. You don’t want that, do you?”

“No.”

“Good, so can you please actually spend some time and learn how to get measurements? I promise you will thank me for it.”

Devin looked back up. “Okay, I will.”

Elise smiled. “Thank you.”

***

“So, what are these hormones, anyway?” Elise asked.

“Well.” Devin went over to grab one of the pill bottles. “This is spironolactone, it has to be taken twice a day. It’s the T-Blocker. Also it makes you have to piss every hour or so. It’s really annoying.” He grabbed the other bottle. “And this is estradiol. It has to be taken once a day. And it’s, well, pretty self-explanatory what it does.”

“I heard you need blood work for that kind of stuff.”

Devin groaned. “I would if I could afford it but these hormones cost enough money already. I have to make some cuts here and there.”

“Okay then… can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Well, you know, you said in those stories that it’s a common trope for people to ask the TG’d character what being a girl is like, so… what is it like?”

“What is being a girl like?” Devin asked.

“Yes.” Elise said. “Tell me.”

Devin’s face reddened and he rubbed his forehead. “Well, it’s uh, I mean, you should know what being a girl is like so what could I possibly tell you?”

“Being a girl is all I know, dummy! You’ve been going through so many changes recently. Do you have any thoughts on them? Anything you’d like to share?”

“Well… I mean.” Devin started rocking back and forth. “It’s… it’s like… I mean, I’m not a girl, so I don’t know.”

Elise frowned. “That sucks. I really would have liked to know.”

“I’m sorry.”

***

Elise got out her phone and checked the time. She sighed. “It’s past 3. Honestly I should probably get going.”

“Yeah… you were here for a long time. Thank you though. It was really nice.”

Elise walked up to Devin and hugged him. Devin reciprocated, not even bothered by the fact that his breasts were coming into contact with her.

“Same time tomorrow?”

“How the hell do your parents allow this?”

“One of life’s great mysteries I suppose.”

Devin groaned. “Shift tomorrow. Last one I have for the week.”

“When do your parents even come home anyway?”

“Next monday.”

Elise ended the hug, her eyes wide in shock. “You still have the house to yourself for six days!? That’s like ten total days by yourself, not a week! What is up with your parents!?”

Devin shrugged. “Don’t know, guess they really don’t want me around my grandfather.”

“I guess that makes sense. So thursday?”

“Yeah, unless you have any other plans.”

“Hopefully not.”

Devin patted Elise on the back then walked out of his room and to her car, where they embraced each other with a hug and one last kiss.

“Love you.” Devin said.

“Love you too.” Elise replied. “See you around, Sierra.”

Sierra simply smiled as she watched Elise enter her car and drive away, waving to her the whole time.

“Anything new happen with Devin?”

Elise was sitting down on one of the couches in her living room when Amanda sent her that text. She internally groaned once she saw it. As expected, Amanda was going to pester her with more questions about Devin after their chat the previous day.

Annoyed, she simply replied back with “no”.

It wasn’t that Elise didn’t like it when Amanda texted her. Obviously she quite enjoyed the conversations with one of her closest friends. It was just that she didn’t want people prying into her relationship with Devin at a moment like this, when Devin had a huge and highly sensitive secret that both of them didn’t want to get out.

She hoped that her response would be enough to satisfy Amanda, but of course it wasn’t.

“Did you tell him you liked girls?”

Now that question Elise could actually answer and be truthful about. Elise did indeed tell Devin that she liked girls, and that she still liked him… or her. So she could reply with “yes” and technically she wouldn’t be lying about anything.

“Yeah.”

“And how did he take it?”

“He took it pretty well.”

“See? What did I tell you, nothing to worry about.”

Elise actually smiled when she read that last text. Even though there was a ton of information that Amanda didn’t know about, just seeing her say that there was nothing to worry about was reassuring enough. There was nothing to worry about, Elise and Sierra were together, and nothing was going to change that.

Elise did hope though that Amanda would take well to Sierra, when the time came.

***

Elise looked up from her phone as she heard the front door open. Once she saw her parents come inside, she looked back down.

“You’re home rather late. Overtime again?” She asked

“No, not this time. Something worse actually.” Ronald answered.

“What are you… oh yeah, that’s right, the stuff with grandpa. I forgot about that.” Elise replied. “How’d it go?”

“I’d rather you not know about that stuff.” Ronald said.

“Too late. You two talk too loud.”

Ronald smirked. “Guess I can’t argue with that, huh.” He laughed under his breath. “Well, it went about as well as you would expect. That being, not at all.”

“Oh, it was awful!” Julie added. “They wouldn’t listen to anything! They were so beyond ignorant! I don’t know why we even tried to talk to them. It’s all so hopeless!”

“Hey now, don’t be like that honey.” Ronald reassured his wife. “We can always try again.”

“And do what? What could we do? Because what we did today clearly didn’t work.”

“Well… we could… I don’t know, we’ll figure it out later, but I think it’s important to keep going to their house every so often just to check up on them. One thing you don’t want to do is leave them alone. That’s what I’ve been told. We gotta keep trying.”

“What good would that do!?” Julie said back harshly. “Going over there for hostile confrontations every single time. They’d know to get angry each time we came over. That’s not the relationship I want with my parents.”

“I know, honey, I know.” Ronald pat Julie on the back. “Just… everything will be fine, okay?”

“I don’t want your empty words, I want results.”

“Wait.” Elise chimed in. “How bad is it?”

Ronald sighed. “Well, it’s not QUITE as bad as I was afraid of.”

“But it’s SO much worse than I expected.” Julie responded. “The stuff they said… I still can’t believe it came out of my parents. It just keeps going through my head that MY parents said that stuff.”

“What stuff did they say?” Elise asked.

“Well…” Julie started. “I’m sorry sweetie, but it’s not gonna be easy to hear this.”

“I can handle it.”

“Okay then…” Julie sat down as Ronald leaned his head against the wall. “There’s so much to say…”

***

1 Hour Earlier

“Are you ready?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Julie said. “But I’m still not sure it’s entirely necessary to do this.”

“Like I said before, better safe than sorry, right?” Ronald asked.

Julie hesitated before giving a light nod. Ronald smiled, then rang the doorbell to the grandparents’ house.

It took a while, the old married couple was definitely not nearly as quick and mobile as they were in their younger years, but eventually the front door was opened.

“I didn’t know you two were coming over today.” The grandmother said. “Are the kids here too?”

“No, just us.” Julie answered.

“Well then.” The grandmother began walking away from the door, with Julie and Ronald following her inside the house. “We were just finishing up dinner, we have some leftovers if you want.”

“Oh, no thanks.” Julie said as Ronald shut the front door. “We have stuff at home.”

“You sure?” The grandmother sat down. “It’s chicken breast. Mighty good stuff.”

“No, we’re good.”

The grandmother laughed. “Oh come on, my cooking isn’t that bad, is it?” She joked. “You know, your father hasn’t complained about my food in like six months, so I think I’m doing pretty good right now.”

“Haven’t complained out loud!” The grandfather yelled from the kitchen.

“Oh, shut your trap!” The grandmother yelled back. “And come on out here too! We have people here! Don’t hide in the kitchen!”

“Alright, alright. I’m coming.” The grandfather walked into the living room with a cup of beer in his hands. “Want some?” He asked Julie and Ronald.

“Oh no.” Ronald said. “I mean, we’re gonna need to drive later.”

“That never stopped me.” The grandfather laughed as he took a sip.

The grandmother laughed sincerely alongside him, while Julie and Ronald just continued to stare with a blank expression.

“So.” The grandfather started. “What brings you here today?” He took another sip of his beer. “Oh and please sit down, wouldn’t want you two to get uncomfortable.”

Julie and Ronald proceeded to take seats on the large couch, both right next to each other.

“We… well, we wanted to talk.” Julie said.

“Talk about what?” The grandfather asked. “These days everyone wants to talk.”

“We just have a few concerns about you two.” Ronald pointed out. “We want to make sure everything’s okay.”

“Concerns?” The grandfather put down his cup. “What concerns? We’re old, but we’re not so old we have to start wearing diapers again.”

“You might be getting close to that.” The grandmother laughed.

“You know, if I do get there, you’re gonna be the one who has to replace my diaper.”

“To hell with that, I don’t love you that much.”

The grandfather laughed as he picked up his cup again. “Sorry about all that, you know us, can hardly stay focused anymore.” He took another sip. “So spit it out. What concerns are you talking about?”

Ronald and Julie looked at each other for a brief moment, then Julie sighed. “Well…” she started. “It’s not anything to do with your health. It’s just about some of your… recent visits.”

“What’s the problem?” The grandmother asked. “When we come over to your house I’m not the one cooking.”

“Yeah…” Julie responded. “This is serious. We’re talking about the things you two have said.”

“Mainly you have said.” Ronald pointed to the grandfather. “And the things you’ve posted online.”

The grandfather’s face suddenly took on a more sinister look. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Well, it concerns us what you two have been saying.” Julie explained. “The beliefs you’re holding are very harmful.”

“Harmful? How?” The grandfather aggressively asked.

“Well, I mean, for starters, the vaccine stuff-”

“You mean the vaccine that we took? That vaccine?” The grandfather shot back harshly.

Slightly taken back by her father’s interruption, Julie silently nodded. “Yes, that vaccine. You spreading all those anti vaccine lies hurts people, kills them even. Especially at a time like this, with a worldwide pandemic and all.”

“What ‘anti vaccine lies’ have I been spreading?”

“Well for one.” Ronald answered. “That article you linked in that Facebook post of yours didn’t even agree with what you said. If you had actually read it, it would’ve said that the Covid vaccine still saves lives and should be used.”

“Oh, bullshit!” The grandfather yelled. “That vaccine isn’t going to save us all! And the government is trying to force everyone to take it! People should be in charge of their own damn decisions! I thought that’s what this country was about!”

“The majority of covid deaths are unvaccinated. You think the vaccine isn’t helpful? What about the people who work? Are they not entitled to safe and healthy working conditions?” Ronald asked him.

“What about the people who get FIRED from their job because they don’t want to take an experimental vaccine!?” The grandfather yelled. “You know what that’s called? Fascism!”

“Fascism? What are you talking about? Is it fascist when restaurants fire workers who refuse to wash their hands?” Ronald asked him.

“That’s different.” The grandfather replied bluntly. “Washing hands isn’t experimental.”

Ronald laughed for a while and then turned to the grandmother. “You hearing this?” He asked her. “Don’t you ever say anything back to him?”

“Why would I need to?” She responded. “He’s right. And I don’t want to start yelling over nothing.”

“Hey, if she doesn’t want in this, then don’t bring her in.” The grandfather said.

“Okay, fine.” Ronald replied. “So you think vaccine mandates are fascism. And you also think critical race theory is fascism. I really wonder what fascism is in that head of yours.”

“Fascism is what’s ruining this country. You say critical race theory, I hear people teaching kids to hate their race and their country.”

“Father, I really don’t think that’s what critical race theory is.” Julie said. “It’s just supposed to teach kids that racism is a systemic thing, and it affects the law and stuff.”

“Oh yeah, sure.” He responded sarcastically. “That’s exactly why white kids are crying to their parents thinking they’re evil. Also, what about gender identity theory and all that shit? Forcing it on kids. That’s fascism as well.”

“First off, I get out way more than you do and I’ve never even met a transgender person, so I know you sure as hell haven’t either.” Ronald sternly pointed out. “And second, what’s all this about you hating fascism? Do I need to remind you of that facebook post you made about ‘jewish control of banks’? What the hell was that? Literal nazi propaganda!”

“Wait, you posted WHAT!?” Julie asked, surprised.

“It was JUST an article that said that in Germany, there was a Jewish control of the banks. It’s a real statistic, look it up.”

“No. It’s not real. I guarantee whatever statistics you believe are real are false. The second you believe the literal fucking NAZIS you have lost the fucking plot.”

“Father… did you actually…”

“All I did was post what was true.” The grandfather took another sip of his beer. “And I’m not a nazi. I do not like Adolf Hitler.”

“Good for you to clear that up.” Ronald said. “Wouldn’t want to have any misunderstandings here now, would we?”

“Cut it with the smug shit, okay?” The grandfather demanded. “I suppose you want me to talk about QAnon next? You probably do, don’t you? I saw you talk about it on your facebook. Well, rest assured that I don’t believe in that crap, but to say that Trump isn’t trying to fight any kind of cult that the democrats are a part of, especially after they stole the election from him, is fucking stupid.”

“Very interesting.” Ronald responded. “You know, I think we’ve heard enough. We might need to get going. We should’ve left as soon as you started saying the nazi shit.”

“Well then you better get going.” The grandfather said. “And next time bring the kids along. Maybe then you won’t say something stupid.”

“Father…” Julie stared at her father for what seemed like a very long time, to get any indication that he didn’t truly believe the heinous things he had said. But it soon became apparent that what he had said were indeed his true beliefs. She then turned to her mother to see if there was any possibility that she disagreed with him. And sure enough, there was not.

“Come on, Julie, let’s go. I don’t want to keep the kids waiting.” Ronald urged her.

Julie slowly turned around and hesitantly followed her husband out the door, leaving the old married couple alone in their house.

***

“Jesus…” Elise said. “And that’s ‘not so bad’ to you?” She asked her father.

“Well… look, I was kind of expecting them to already be on the QAnon train. And instead they only half agree with it? I don’t know. To me that’s not so bad.”

“The Nazi stuff though? That was pretty bad.” Elise said. “And you really left after only a few minutes? Why didn’t you stay longer? What was the point of even going there if you were going to leave so soon?”

“Listen, it was getting really intense in there. I was not expecting it to get THAT heated.” He argued. “And I didn’t really handle the confrontation very well either… look, the whole thing was just a mess all around.”

“I’ll say.” Elise said with a grunt. “So then… are you going to go back there?”

Ronald hesitated for a bit. “I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

“I sure hope not.” Julie said as she turned toward Ronald. “It was nothing but a big waste of time. I even told you that I tried to talk to them before and it didn’t work. And you said that I just didn't do a good job and that you could do it better. And then when you actually went there, you failed too. You didn’t even really do anything different from me. Like I said, it’s hard. And they won’t listen.”

Ronald shook his head and put his hands up. “Hey look I’m sorry. I didn’t know-”

“Well you do now.” Julie interrupted.

There was a bitter silence in the room for a while. The stress from the confrontation with the grandparents was undoubtedly weighing down on the two parents. Even Elise felt it, and she hadn’t even been there. Needless to say, there was a lot of tension among the three that could not be easily resolved.

Finally, Julie broke the silence. “You know what Ronald, why don’t you go make dinner? If you’re so sure you can do things better than me.”

“Okay.” Ronald sighed.

“And be quick about it! It’s getting late!”

“Fine. I’ll do it!” He yelled back.

Julie smiled while Elise simply rolled her eyes.

***

The dinner that night between the family members was at the very least a nice distraction from the previous events regarding the grandparents. Especially since Emma was there, and she didn’t seem to care about that situation at all.

“A cheerleader?” Julie asked.

“Yes. I REALLY want to be a cheerleader.” Emma stated. “It’d go so well with my boyfriend being a football player.”

“Believe me, we know about that.” Ronald said sarcastically. His comment got a chuckle from Elise.

“Sweetie, being a cheerleader is a big commitment. It takes a lot of work and discipline. And you could get really hurt. I’m not so sure you're ready for something like this.”

“Aww come on, please?” Emma whined. “I really want to do it.”

“The only reason you even want to be a cheerleader at all is because I told you you aren’t one.” Elise pointed out.

Emma drew back, highly offended. “Hey, that’s not true!” She turned to Julie. “Don’t listen to her mom, she’s lying.”

“It’s true.” Elise said with a smile. “She’s so vain, isn’t she?”

“Hey, I do everything because of one person, me!” Emma proclaimed. “No one can tell me what to do!”

“Girls, please calm down.” Julie said as she put her hand on her forehead. “Trust me, I’ve already had to deal with enough yelling today.”

“Sorry.” Elise said to her.

Julie sighed. “Look, Emma, if cheerleading is really something you want to do, then just tell me when the tryouts are and we’ll get you a physical, okay?”

Emma nodded enthusiastically. “Thank you so much mom!” She cheered.

“But you better not get hurt.” Julie told her.

“I won’t, I can handle it. Trust me.” Emma said. She was booming with excitement. “How do you guys think I’ll look in my cheer outfit? Pretty good, right?”

“We’ll see.” Elise said to her. “We will see.”

“Yes you will! I can’t wait for the pictures of me and my boyfriend in our uniforms. We are going to look so good together!”

The rest of the dinner went by rather quickly. Emma was filled with happiness and almost skipped on her way to put her plate in the sink.

That happiness vanished when she was told to wash all the dinner dishes. She was not thrilled. Elise got a laugh out of it though.

***

Elise plopped down onto her bed after another long day. She just wanted to get to sleep as fast as possible. Unfortunately her mind was preoccupied with not just Sierra but also her grandparents.

They couldn’t have actually been that bad, could they? It seemed that they were. They fully believed in literal nazi propaganda, and that was obviously really fucking bad.

How could Elise have missed this before? She had known that her grandparents were bad, but she didn’t know they were this bad. Was she blinded by her love for them? Was she too busy reminiscing on all the times her grandparents had shown her love and took her to incredibly amazing vacations?

Probably.

Furthermore, what if her grandparents met Sierra? Would they be upset? Would they ever love Elise again? Ever even want to see her again? It seemed extreme, but also frighteningly possible.

Elise groaned before picking up her phone. The growing need to tell Devin of her grandparents had overcome her. She didn’t know if he would be up this late, but it was worth a shot.

“Hey, are you up?” She sent.

It wasn’t before long before she received a response. She smiled upon reading it. “Yeah, what’s up?”

“It’s my grandparents, they’re apparently worse than I thought.”

“Oh really? That sucks. How bad are they?”

“Vaguely QAnon I think and also believe nazi propaganda about Jews controlling banks.”

“Oh damn, that’s real bad. Worse than most people at our school even.”

“Yeah can’t argue with that lol. My parents tried to talk to them and they really messed it up. Huge argument and they left midway through.”

“I can definitely see that.”

Elise was about to put her phone down when she got another text.

“Maybe I could try to talk to them?”

Elise stopped for a bit and took in Devin’s words. She was very puzzled at his text. She then finally replied back “Umm, what?” She asked.

“You know… I just kind of thought maybe I could try and talk to them. I don’t know why I just thought it might be worth a try.”

“Devin… if my parents couldn’t do it, then how could you?”

“Well, I don’t know. I just think it could work. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to but maybe you could ask your parents if this would be okay?”

Elise thought about it. Devin wasn’t a very talkative person, but he was surprisingly good at presenting his ideas. He certainly wasn’t the best debater in the world, but he usually could convince people of his views pretty well. Definitely better than her parents could, that was for sure.

“You know what?” She thought to herself. “Fuck it, let’s give him a shot.”

She lifted her phone back up and texted him again. “Okay, I’ll ask them.”

“Really? That’s great. Good night then.”

“Good night.”

Elise stared at the ceiling after she put her phone down. Was this really a good idea? To have Devin try and talk to her grandparents? Would her parents even allow that?

It seemed that Devin knew what he was doing. She should probably trust him, after all he’s done to trust her, giving her his passcode for his secret safe and all. Really, it was the least she could do.

Elise yawned and laid herself down on her bed, fully intent to finally get some sleep. Thinking about all this was exhausting and she believed it could wait until tomorrow. Right now, it was time for her to get some well deserved rest.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Devin once again found himself staring at his reflection in the mirror. He'd been doing that a lot recently. Perhaps it was because he was obsessing over every little bodily change the hormones brought him. Perhaps it was because he was inspecting himself to see if he really looked like a girl. Perhaps it was because he simply liked looking at himself. Devin silently laughed at that last thought, as if.

Or perhaps it was because it was an easy way to force himself to do some mental introspection.

Devin focused intently on the figure in the mirror. If he wanted to be as objective as possible, that figure didn’t really look like a man, which brought a smile to his lips before he immediately shook it off. He didn’t want his desires to be female to blind his judgment. He would need to go out in public to get a true sense of what he looked like, an action that still made him deeply uneasy.

Looking deep into the blue eyes of his reflection, his mind kept repeating that same question, “what the hell do you think you’re doing”, or some variation of it, over and over again.

What the hell did he think he was doing, indeed.

He didn’t know where the suggestion that he could talk to Elise’s grandparents came from, but apparently it was strong enough that he had actually asked Elise if he could do it. What was he getting himself into? He barely knew her grandparents at all, aside from the two visits to their house over the past year. They seemed like nice people, but he wasn’t at all surprised that they had apparently bought into some pretty heinous beliefs. That was the case with most bigots after all, nice on the outside, but rotten to the core on the inside, even if they themselves didn’t believe it.

But what could he possibly say that would convince them their beliefs were wrong? He wasn’t a master class debater. Sure, Elise had told him before that he was pretty good at convincing people of his viewpoints, but she was his girlfriend. She probably felt some kind of obligation to say things like that, just to be nice.

He had managed to fall a few times into political arguments with people at his school, and he seemed to be good at holding his ground, but was only able to convince his opposition of some of his viewpoints a few select times.

Though, to be fair, considering how the average person has probably never convinced anyone of their viewpoints, that may actually be a pretty big accomplishment. It’d definitely look like that to a lot of other people.

Devin breathed deeply as he looked further into his reflection. “Don’t get overconfident” he thought. That was the one thing that he knew for sure would backfire. He had to have reasonable expectations of himself and the conversation. He definitely wouldn’t persuade Elise’s grandparents to abandon all of their beliefs, but he could possibly make them think about them a little more. It wouldn’t be easy, but it was worth a shot. Elise trusted him, at the very least.

Maybe this wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Maybe some good could come out of it.

After all, it was about time he started thinking a little more positively.

***

Devin sat down on his back porch as he gazed out at the nearly pitch black sky. There was no moon to speak of, none that he could see at least, and the stars were all very dim. It was most likely a result of the porch light being switched on.

It felt wrong for him to be out this late. Usually his parents would immediately yell at him to come inside, but with them gone there was no one to stop him but himself.

He probably should go inside though. He had another shift at Sheetz the next day, which meant another day of providing service to some really annoying people.

He groaned as he laid back in his chair, his mind already filling with the unpleasant experiences of working in retail. He didn’t like doing it, but it at least paid the bills for his medication. If he didn’t have it then he’d just be rotting away further in a body that would only grow more foreign to him with each passing day.

Continuing to look into the deep, vast, dark sky, his thoughts were brought back to the deep, vast, dark space within his own mind. There was a lot he was uncertain about in there. Hell, with everything that had happened in the past few days, there was a lot that to be uncertain about. For instance, whether or not it was worth thinking long and hard about free online stories posted on the internet by anonymous authors. Or trying to apply a feminist lens to them. But in spite of all that, there was one thing Devin was certain of, and that was that Sierra was growing stronger.

With each one of Elise’s visits, Devin felt the temptation to fully give into Sierra grow more and more. And especially during the visit that day, when Elise had openly told him that she liked “Sierra” more and wished “she” was around more often. He could have given into Sierra right then and there. He definitely wanted to, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t. It seemed he was his own worst enemy. He was the one blocking himself from embracing Sierra. Embracing the girl that he very clearly wanted to be. And the one he wanted people to see him as.

Every time he felt like giving into Sierra, all the self doubt and self hatred came rushing back to him like a freight train. Those feelings within him that said he was gross, a disgusting pervert, and even an abomination were ever so loud. And they only got reinforced every time he read a transphobic thread or watched a transphobic video on the internet. He didn’t know why he did that, he knew he’d come out upset and feeling like shit. But some part of him kept forcing him to come back. As if he thought he deserved to be eternally miserable. He wanted it all to be over.

In fact, he could just kill himself now and he’d be done dealing with all of that.

In Devin’s right hand was a pocket knife. With a slow, drawn out motion, he opened it and approached his left arm. He usually did this in his room or in front of a mirror, and he wasn’t even sure why he brought the pocket knife outside with him, but he guessed that somewhere in his mind, he wanted to try something different.

Devin would never consider himself a cutter, or someone who self harmed. From his perspective he never really hurt himself, he just gave his arm, or waist, or whatever less vulnerable part of his body he chose that day a few scratches. He never cut deep enough to draw blood. He sometimes wished he could though.

And this time it was his intent.

Slowly the knife drew closer and closer to his arm. It was a bit of a sudden decision, but at this point he didn’t care. He was tired of all the hate and conflict and he wanted it to end.

The temptation to end it all was ever so powerful at this point. Almost as strong as the temptation to give into Sierra. With just a quick, hard flick of his pocketknife through his vein, he could be comforted knowing he’d be dead in a hour or so.

He inched the knife closer and closer, to the point where it almost touched his vein.

Then he turned his arm around and scratched at nothing but skin.

He couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He never expected that he’d actually be able to kill himself. He never had the guts to end his own life. The natural instinct to preserve and protect himself always won out in the end. He never had the willpower to overcome it. And what he had just done wasn’t even really a legitimate suicide attempt. It was nothing more than a brief moment where he simply considered suicide.

After scratching at his arm a few times and forming a few shapes, he withdrew his pocket knife and closed it.

Usually his thought process on this was a bit more drawn out.

Usually it would be one random day where things would go bad. He would get into his mind that this would be it. This would be the day he’d finally kill himself. He assured himself that he wouldn’t live after that day, and that everything would be over.

And then those feelings would fade away when he actually tried to do it.

Eventually he stopped having days like that. He realized he’d never actually be able to kill himself. He didn’t have that kind of commitment.

Plus, there was always one thing that would be sure to instantly stop him dead in his tracks. It made it nearly impossible for him to end his life, no matter what the circumstances were.

In his mind, he’d get an image of his gravestone, with the name “Devin Farrow” plastered on it.

He sighed, lifting himself off his chair as he opened the back door and went back inside his house, leaving the dark, empty night sky to thrive alone on the outside.

He left the pocket knife with it.

It was another frustrating and tedious day at Sheetz. Devin never voiced any of his disdain for his job. If he did then he’d be complaining all day. He assumed all of his coworkers felt the same way. Working in retail was just miserable.

It was apparent that not every one of his coworkers followed his “no speech” line of thinking.

“Listen, my shift starts at 12, so I come in at 12.” Liam stated firmly.

“I wanted you in early.” Morgan said to him.

“You are the manager, not the boss. Do you have that power?” Liam asked her. “I don’t think you do. Hey, remember when I did extra hours and got no extra pay for overtime? The fuck was that?”

“Look, I don’t control your salary. If I did then-”

“Oh, so you can control my hours but not my pay!?” Liam interrupted.

“Just get to work.” Morgan replied angrily.

Devin breathed in deeply. He never really enjoyed listening to the tense confrontations between those two. They tended to have them quite often, but Liam was never fired for it. Devin still had no idea how.

There was a part of Devin that strongly envied Liam’s ability to stand up for himself. It was true that Morgan could be unreasonable with an employee’s work hours, and she often stepped out of line and abused a power she most likely didn’t have to assert that. Liam was not someone who would simply take that. He had a spine. He stood up for himself. Devin never did. Most of the time people just walked all over him.

Liam went to the same high school as Devin, and they were both in the same grade, but even with this job they didn’t know each other very well. They never talked much, and it didn’t look like they were going to start anytime soon. Devin sometimes thought that he should go up and try to converse with him, but his anxiety would never let him. He couldn’t start conversations with people he didn’t feel comfortable with. He wasn’t entirely sure why, he just couldn’t.

He wasn’t even sure what he was afraid of. Some kind of vague concept he couldn’t quite define forced him away from socializing with new people. He was trying to get better, but his brain was convinced that whatever that vague concept was was scary enough to keep him away.

The brain could be a bitch sometimes.

***

It took an eternity, at least it felt like it did, but Devin’s shift finally ended. He headed out to his car and began the short drive home.

While he was driving, a thought came across his mind. He had a license, a job, a car, and he was living in a house by himself. It almost made him feel like an adult. Of course, he was still in high school, and his time alone was a one-off occurrence as his parents would be home the following week, but still, he couldn’t deny how it all made him feel. For the first time in his life, it felt like he was in charge of himself, and was making his own decisions. And the hormones he was taking without his parents’ permission or knowledge definitely helped that feeling.

When Devin pulled into his driveway, he had a smile on his face. One train of thought had led to another. He couldn’t help but imagine himself as a confident, intelligent, independent, and… beautiful adult woman. Someone who defends herself, and doesn’t let people walk over her. Someone who people look up to, and admire. Someone who people can count on.

Yeah, that’s the kind of person she’d grow up to be. No matter how hard Sierra tried, she couldn’t envision herself as being an adult man. It seemed so fundamentally wrong for her to grow up to be a man, not to mention gross. She had to grow up to be a woman, or else there was no adult life she could envision for herself. Unless the mental equivalent of white static counted.

These thoughts continued to mull around in her head as she walked through her front door and plopped down on one of the living room couches. What would she look like, as an adult woman? Would she have short hair like she did now? Or would she grow it out? She remembered always wondering what having long hair would be like, when she was younger. She had to find out eventually.

Sierra’s smile only grew larger as her mind kept showing her different versions of what she could look like as an adult woman. There was something beautiful to her about a boy growing up to be a woman. More specifically a confused, depressed, and awkward boy growing up to be a confident, content, and beautiful woman. It was a process that she could deeply connect with.

Devin quickly shook his head, snapping himself out of what felt like a trance.

He had lost control of himself again. Sierra was becoming easier and easier to fall into. His mind had even begun taunting him, telling him to give in and asking why he was still fighting. His mind kept saying that he would be much happier if he just let go, and let himself be Sierra. To fully give himself into what he desired. After all, there was nothing to be ashamed of, right?

He felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and he wasn’t sure who was Jekyll and who was Hyde.

Devin sighed as he got up from the couch. He was getting hungry. He should make himself some dinner. He had no idea what he was in the mood for, but he was sure he’d find out soon enough.

***

It was time.

Devin was on his computer, and he had “DIY voice training” typed into the search bar.

His hand was actually shaking from nervousness. The sheer idea of starting voice training was enough to unease him. Perhaps it was because, in a way, it felt final. He could hide his hips, his breasts, his thighs, and his body until the end of time, but he couldn’t hide his voice. If his voice started to sound more feminine, it would give everything away. Everyone, including his parents, his friends, and his coworkers, would know exactly what he was doing. There would be no going back.

There was also the fact that voice training was something he needed to work for. With the HRT, all he had to do was take it and wait for the bodily changes to happen. No further work had to be done. Voice training was something he needed to actually do. It didn’t just happen. The extra work and time seriously intimidated Devin, but he had to do it. And he had to start now. If he didn’t he probably never would.

With a click of the enter key he was instantly brought thousands upon thousands of resources. He clicked on the one that looked the most helpful.

***

What a fucking shit show.

Two hours later and Devin was on his bed, feeling like nothing was accomplished. The first exercise essentially amounted to him panting like a dog over and over again. He wasn’t remotely sure if he did it correctly.

Was it even worth it to do this? Would he ever actually sound like a woman? It seemed like such an unattainable goal. Was it his fate to sound like a man his entire life?

He shook his head. No, what was he thinking? Obviously he was never going to achieve any progress on the first day. He had to keep at it for months and months to see some real changes. Was he really abandoning all hope already? What kind of person would he be if he gave up after the first day? Not a strong or a serious one, that was for sure.

Besides, no harm could possibly be done by trying again, right?

Turning his head around in his bed, he made his decision. Tomorrow, he would give it another shot.

It was with quick and uncaring steps that Devin walked into his Journalism class. He had taken the class mainly because most of the other electives were either full, or just looked plain uninteresting. Art? Devin didn’t particularly enjoy drawing and often found it tedious. Creative Writing? He steered clear of that one. He was sure his classmates wouldn’t want to read his gender bending fiction, which seemed to be the only thing he was even partially capable of writing. Culinary? He hated cooking under pressure.

He didn’t really like Journalism, but it at least made for a fairly easy and low effort class.

“Alright.” The teacher said. “Today we will be looking at a political video where an individual presents an idea, and your assignment will be to analyze how they are presenting this idea and where they are getting their information from.”

Devin squinted his eyes. That was such a vague assignment description. How were they supposed to go about this? How were they supposed to explain an explanation? So much for an easy and low effort class.

Once the teacher showed the video on their projector board, Devin realized the assignment was going to be a lot easier than he initially thought.

“So, I’ve been seeing a lot, and I mean a lot of extremely toxic rhetoric on the online left, and it’s really pissing me off.” The political streamer in the video, Vaush, said into his microphone. “What they are saying is woke ethnic cleansing. Decolonization of colonized areas is literally no different from nazism. These guys are just nazis in reverse. If the indigenous people of South Africa decided to rise up and resist their colonization by making the white people leave, that would be identical to the nazis genociding all the jews. It’s insane to me how these people can’t see this. And look, here they are literally justifying calling white people colonizers as a slur. What the hell?”

Devin raised his eyebrow. Was this really what passed for political analysis these days? This man was a goddamn idiot who clearly had no idea what he was talking about. Did he actually think “colonizer” was a slur? He should at least do some baseline research on complicated topics such as decolonization before speaking on them in a livestream.

All of a sudden, the teacher’s phone rang.

“Hello?” The teacher asked.

“Oh my…” they eventually responded.

“Okay, I’ll make sure to tell them. Thank you, bye.” They put the phone down.

“Alright, class.” The teacher said. Their voice was full of concern, as if something serious had happened. “I just received some important news regarding a student in this class.”

Devin leaned forward, fully at attention.

“I’m sure you’ve all heard of that new virus going around.” The teacher continued. “You know, the one that turns men into women. And I just want to inform you that Ryan has caught it. He’ll be arriving to class very shortly.”

Devin’s eyes were wide with disbelief.

“Now, I do not want anyone in this room to make him feel uncomfortable. And I will be taking action if I hear anything, does everyone understand?”

The class nodded their heads.

The teacher returned to their computer while the class turned their attention back to the video.

Devin was completely still, unable to move or react to anything around him. His eyes were staring unfocused toward the floor.

Ryan was a girl now?

It was so hard to believe. Devin had never heard of any incredible sex changing virus, and he checked the news everyday. He used twitter everyday. There was no way he wouldn’t have heard of this. Something that big would be all over the world news. How was this the first time he had heard of it?

Devin looked around. No one else in the room seemed to be even remotely fazed by this information. It was as if this was completely normal to them. How could that be? Even if they all lived in a world where a sex changing virus existed, wouldn’t they at least be a little shocked to hear one of their fellow students had caught it? Was Devin really the only person who was surprised?

And why did he feel so upset about it?

Devin’s state of shock was finally put to an end when the classroom door opened. When Devin laid his eyes upon the person who was at the door, he nearly fainted. It may have been a girl he had never seen before, but that didn’t stop him from instantly recognizing her.

“Welcome, Ryan.” The teacher said.

“Umm, it’s Diana now.” The girl replied in an unmistakably female voice.

“My mistake. I’ll be sure to fix that in my roster. Please, take a seat.”

The girl, Diana, smiled then went to sit down next to Devin.

“Hey…” she said awkwardly to him. “I know I look a little different now, but I was hoping we could still be, you know… friends…”

Devin couldn’t have responded even if he wanted to. He just sat there, mouth wide open, staring at this girl’s face and studying every detail. She still had the same brown eyes and black hair that she’d always had, but everything else… Devin couldn’t even begin to comprehend it. She bore some resemblance to Ryan, the boy she used to be, but appearance wise she was undeniably a different person.

And she was beautiful. Devin didn’t know if girls actually liked being beautiful, but if they did, they would definitely be jealous of her.

Diana snapped her fingers in front of Devin’s face. “Hey, I know I’m a girl now, and it’s a little weird, but it’s not like THAT weird, is it?”

Devin shook his head. “I’m sorry. I just…”

“No, it’s okay. I understand this is a little shocking for everyone.” She commiserated. “At least you were staring at my face and not my chest. You won’t believe how often that happens. And to think I used to do that. Ugh.”

Devin slowly and silently nodded his head. His face still displayed complete bewilderment.

“Wow, you are making this a lot more awkward than it needs to be.” Diana said. “It’s still me, Devin. I just look a little different.”

“You’re shorter than before…”

“Yeah, but not that much. The doctor said I only shrank three inches.”

“But… where did the extra matter go?”

“Out my ass, literally. I was shitting so much.”

“How does body mass and bone get converted to shit!? That doesn’t make any sense!”

“It’s weird but it’s not like earth-shattering or anything.” Diana remarked. “I mean, it does kind of suck being shorter but it is what it is, you know?”

Devin didn’t respond. He found it impossible to.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Diana asked. “I mean, I’m the one who changed sex and you’re the one acting like you’re going insane.”

“Oh… um, yeah, I’m fine. I think…”

“I hope so. Because I’d like my first day as a girl to be somewhat comfortable.”

Devin silently nodded as Diana finally turned her attention away from him. He slowly did the same.

The initial shock was fading, but Devin still found it hard to put words together. What was wrong with him? Ryan… Diana… had just gone through a hugely traumatic event. Her entire body had changed against her will. And the best support he could offer was complete silence and half-formed sentences. He could at least try to make her feel comfortable.

And that wasn’t even all.

As soon as he had heard about Ryan’s condition, Devin felt upset. He wasn’t sure how or why, but something about seeing Ryan as a girl was causing a deep feeling to burn inside him. About what he had no idea. But it was something big. And it was growing stronger.

Once the bell rang to signal the next class, Devin walked out of the classroom only becoming more upset with each passing second.

***

After hours of boring and tedious classes, Devin made it to lunch. He walked into the cafeteria, took a seat down at his table, and waited.

The school cafeteria wasn’t a very big one, or a very prestigious one. Cheap looking tables, dirty floors, and of course, gross food were unfortunately all common features of the experience of eating in a high school cafeteria.

Though in Devin’s case, he rarely ever actually ate in the cafeteria.

He packed a lunch when he had the time, and sometimes he would eat it. But some days he just didn’t feel like it, saying it looked too unappetizing. And he certainly never ate any of the food the school provided. He’d sooner die.

On the many days he didn’t eat, Elise would usually lecture him and say that skipping meals was bad, but he never listened. As far as he was concerned, he ate when he wanted to.

And he didn’t want to eat today.

Scratching his head, Devin struggled to contain his emotions. That feeling of being upset had grown into anger over the past few hours. Every time he thought of Diana, he got angry. Not necessarily angry at her, but angry about her. And he also got angry at himself for getting angry about her.

It was a very immature and selfish reaction, considering how hard this situation had to be on Diana. After all, imagine changing sex and all your friend can do is get angry about it without offering any support. What an asshole that friend would be.

Devin turned to his side and caught a glimpse of Elise walking towards him and his table, and alongside her, Diana. It appeared Elise wasn’t fazed by Diana’s existence, that or she had already gotten over it. Either way, it was clear that Elise had no problems being with Diana. In fact, it seemed that she quite liked being with her. They were both chatting and smiling and laughing, and they just generally seemed happy to be together.

Looking at them, Devin felt an odd sense of longing combined with the already present anger. He wished to partake in the types of conversations the two girls were having, but it was as if the universe was telling him that he couldn’t. He was male, and they were female. There would always be some form of disconnect between them all, making a connection of intimacy on that level simply impossible. Even if he was in a romantic relationship with Elise, it couldn’t happen.

His feelings may have seemed overdramatic, and perhaps they were, but that didn’t detract from how strongly they had a hold of his mind.

For some reason, he found himself thinking of a certain scene in “For a Girl”. Specifically the scene in the fifth chapter where Stephanie sees Hal for the first time as a girl, and is then taken away by Becky and Sue for “girl talk”. Hal is described as having “a look of wistfulness on his face” as Stephanie had “gained access to a private club he could never join”.

Was that scene realistic? Probably not, it seemed too exaggerated. But that wasn’t the point. In the story, even though it’s never confirmed, it’s most likely not necessarily that Hal wanted access to that “private club”, but that he was upset after seeing his old best friend drift away from him. At that point, Jack could be considered “dead”, at least in a metaphorical sense, and that scene was Hal being shown how the relationship between them could never be the same.

But in Devin's case, it was very different.

He didn’t care about how Ryan being a girl could affect their relationship as friends. He never even considered it. Instead, his feelings of longing could only be described as feelings of true longing. He wanted to take part in the conversations those girls were having, as a girl himself. There was no mistaking it, nor was there any other source to those feelings.

Was he jealous of Diana?

Was that what this was all about? Jealousy? Was he angry because he was jealous? No, that couldn’t have been right. What would he even be jealous about?

Was he jealous that Diana got to become a girl and he didn’t?

Devin wanted to laugh at that thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to. His mind was stopping him.

Did he really want to be a girl?

He couldn’t have actually wanted to become a girl, right? That wouldn’t have made any sense. At the same time though, why would he want to talk to girls, as a girl? Why would he want to have an experience like that?

Devin put his hand to his head. This was getting ridiculous. This whole thing was Diana’s problem. She was the one who went through a forced sex change. This was not his problem. And he shouldn’t have been making it his problem. No, he was not a selfish or self-centered person, and he needed to stop acting like one.

“Look, there he goes again with that face.” Diana said when she got to the table, interrupting Devin’s contemplations. “I swear he’s more shocked that I’m a girl than I am.”

“Devin.” Elise snapped her fingers. “You good? You’re staring again.”

Devin took a deep, uneasy breath. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“I doubt it.” Diana said bluntly. “You should look at yourself some time. You’re so tense. What’s wrong? You know I’m not contagious right? They wouldn’t let me in school if I was.”

Hearing the phrase, “I’m not contagious”, sent a wave of hopelessness and defeat all throughout Devin’s body. It was as if the one minor chance he had, the one last small hope within him, had gone away permanently. It was over, and there was nothing he could do.

Incredible, so this was where he was now. Upset that a sex changing virus couldn’t be passed to him. And not even considering all the people who could be hurt by it if it was contagious. What on earth was wrong with him, couldn’t he just be normal?

“And there it is again.” Diana said unenthused. “I think you oughta take him to the nurse’s office or something. Because he’s clearly not okay.”

“I’m sitting right here!” Devin exclaimed. “I’m not an object. I have my own thoughts, you know.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I’d hate to see what goes on in there.”

“Look at this, you two are still fighting like children.” Elise remarked. “Some things never change.”

Diana groaned and rolled her eyes before walking off into the ever growing lunch line.

Elise turned toward Devin. “Not eating today?”

Devin shook his head.

“Figures.” She replied. “You know, Diana being a girl now isn’t that weird.”

Devin sighed. “I didn’t even know about this virus until today.”

“I’m not sure how you didn’t hear about it, but whatever.” Elise said. “I guess it might be a little weird for you. But I promise you everything will be okay. Ryan… Diana is just shaped a little differently now. She’s still the same person. In a few days it’ll all be just like normal.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Devin said.

Elise put her arms around Devin’s neck. “I love you, alright?”

“I love you too.” Devin said.

Elise gave Devin a kiss on his cheek then walked away to the lunch line. Devin’s face went red with blush, then he smiled and put his hand to his cheek. He occasionally got teased for having what many called a very feminine reaction to being kissed, and truthfully he sometimes cursed himself for it as well. “Why feel ashamed?” A part of his mind asked.

Devin looked down toward the ground, himself silent but his mind as loud as ever.

***

By the time Elise and Diana returned to the table, a few others had come along as well, and they all had their extremely gross looking food with them.

“Holy shit.” Amanda said as she took her first look at Diana. “I thought everyone was bullshitting, but no, you’re really a girl.”

“I know, I’m still having a hard time believing it myself.” Diana said back. “Though I’m having a better time coping with it than SOME people.” She glanced toward Devin, whose face flashed with guilt.

Elise rolled her eyes while Amanda got confused.

“Wait, what’s going on?” Amanda asked.

“Not much, really. Just that Devin’s been acting extra weird about me being a girl.”

“I wasn’t trying to be weird about it!” Devin defended himself. “I- I’m just having a bad day, that’s all.”

“Right…” Diana responded. “You’re having a bad day? Imagine how I feel. Everyone’s been staring at me. I can’t catch a break.”

“I’m sorry.” Devin said to her.

“Sure you are.” Diana said sarcastically.

There was a tense silence between the two for a bit. Wanting to break the tension, Amanda let out a forced cough.

“So… how did you choose your name?”

“Oh, that was pretty simple.” Diana said after a bit of hesitation. “I took my old name and tried to find the female version of it. The first thing I thought of was Riana, but that sounds too similar to the singer Rihanna, so I changed it to Diana.”

“Cool.” Amanda replied. “For the record, I think it’s a great name.”

“Thanks, my mom said the same thing.”

“Is your family taking this change well?” Elise asked.

“Mostly.” Diana answered. “My dad’s having a hard time coming around to it, but other than that, everything’s good.”

“That’s nice.” Elise said. “I can imagine your dad is probably upset about losing a son and all.”

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe how pissed he was when I first got diagnosed.” Diana said. “He was more pissed than I was, somehow.”

“Did he break anything?” Amanda asked.

“An old table. My mom’s making him pay it off. It was an expensive table too, so he’s been working overtime a lot lately.” Diana explained. “And now he’s pissed about that. We hear him cuss up a storm in his study all the time.”

The three girls giggled to themselves while Devin just sat there, completely silent. He did not say another word in that lunch period, keeping to himself until the bell rang. He didn’t speak to anyone, and in return, no one spoke to him.

He didn’t care that he was being selfish or a dick anymore. All he could care about was the anger and tension boiling inside of him. Just the thought of Diana was enough to send him over the edge. And seeing her happy and content with herself certainly didn’t help.

When the bell rang, and he lost sight of Diana, that anger and tension didn’t go away.

***

Devin walked down the hallway and toward the boys’ locker room. He had one last class for the day, and it was easily his least favorite.

P.E., the bane of every non athletic kid’s existence. An incredibly uncomfortable experience for everyone involved, and a place for the sports coaches to yell at a bunch of students they clearly didn’t care about. He could only be thankful that he didn’t have the class first period. He wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy.

As Devin entered the boys’ locker room and was greeted by the usual noise and odor, he quickly resigned himself to a corner, away from most of the other students. It’s not that he hated them, locker rooms just always made him extremely uncomfortable. He hated it when other people saw him shirtless and he wished to conceal himself as much as possible.

When Devin finished changing, he went out into the gymnasium, and he immediately saw exactly why he was dreading this class so much. While he never looked forward to P.E., today in particular was especially bad. Looking forward to the bleachers, he saw her. Right there, sitting down, was Diana.

He hadn’t seen Diana since lunch, but that didn’t stop her from invading his thoughts at every second. A part of him wanted to go up to her and apologize. Apologize for the way he had been acting that day and possibly rekindle their friendship. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. The mere thought of Diana still made him extremely angry. And Devin knew who he was. He wouldn’t have near enough self control to make amends.

Besides, it didn’t look like any of that bothered Diana anymore. Hell, it didn’t look like she was bothered by anything anymore. Instead, Devin saw her talking amongst the other girls like she had always been one of them. The guys were even borderline flirting with her, and she didn’t seem to mind. It was so laughably cliché that if someone wrote it in a TG story they’d get flack for being dull and unoriginal.

The coaches called all the students to the center of the gym and told them they’d be playing dodgeball that period. Devin snickered. Dodgeball was the usual go to when the coaches didn’t have any other ideas. Not that Devin cared much. At least today they hadn’t brought along some military recruiter to make them do watered down boot camp exercises. All while ending it off with some speech about how great American imperialism was and why it was totally amazing and honorable to blow up kids in the middle east and die fighting for some oil company. The depths of US propaganda really knew no bounds.

Two random students were assigned team captain and they each went around choosing other students one by one to be on their team. Just as he was expecting, Devin ended up on a different team than Diana. He didn’t know if that made him happy or upset.

When the game started, Devin went to the back of the court and stayed there the whole game. He never made any moves. It was easy to do, because none of his teammates seemed to notice he was there. It was as if he didn’t even exist.

Devin spent most of the game staring at Diana. Creepy? Yes, but it was clear that at this point he had abandoned good moral values.

In spite of the game going on, Diana was out and about talking with some of what looked like her newly acquired friends. When she got hit by a dodgeball, she laughed it off while one of the guys unnecessarily escorted her to the sidelines. Most girls would find what that guy did to be insulting and demeaning, but not Diana apparently. She held onto that sickly sweet smile. It was so cheesy it could make someone throw up.

Above all though, Diana looked so happy, so content. How could that even be possible? Looking at her, one would never suspect that she used to be a guy. It was only her first week as a girl and she was already completely accepting of her female body and everyone around was throwing support and friendship at her, treating her like she had always been a girl.

It made Devin’s blood boil.

Eventually, the dodgeball game came to an end. The coaches didn’t even announce which team won, they just sent everyone off to the locker rooms. Not like Devin cared, of course. He just wanted to get out of that building as soon as possible.

When he was done changing, he practically sprinted out of the locker room.

***

As soon as the school day ended, Devin went straight for his car and pushed aside everyone who stood in the way. He felt bad for doing so, but it was necessary as he had extremely important matters to attend to.

He didn’t drive home. Rather, he drove quickly down to the doctor’s office. At first he wasn’t sure why, but eventually the answer came to him. He wanted to know if he had the virus, and he was desperate for any way to find out. Was he setting himself up for disappointment? Probably, but his mind wasn’t exactly being logical at the moment.

As he was driving he couldn’t help but think, why was he so drawn to gender bending stuff anyway? Sure, everyone has their weird interests, but for Devin this was practically an obsession. Was it personal? It couldn’t have possibly been personal, right?

As much as he tried to deny it, every single time he had found some random gender bending comic or story on the internet, he had hyper fixated on it. Put himself in the shoes of the main character and imagined that he was them. He read all those stories and comics like he wanted to go through what the main character was going through.

Did he?

It would make sense if he did, considering how jealous he was of Di-

No.

None of this was right. Absolutely none of it. He wasn’t jealous of Diana. He didn’t want to become a girl. He was just getting really angry when thinking about her because… well, he wasn’t sure why but he’d figure it out.

Devin pulled into the doctor’s office, went inside, told the people at the desk what he was there for, and then sat down in the waiting room.

Devin looked around and huffed. Some waiting room, the TV wasn’t even on.

***

It felt like an eternity, but eventually a doctor came through the door of the waiting room. “Devin Farrow?” They called.

Devin stood up from his chair and followed the doctor through the hallways of the building. He went through all the usual procedures first, mainly getting his height and weight checked. And he was pleased to know that in those areas, he was in good condition. One less thing to worry about.

The doctor led Devin into a room and had him sit down on a bed while checking his ears, heartbeat, and blood pressure. It all ended with the same results: in good condition. By all accounts Devin was a very healthy boy. Really, he shouldn’t have even been in the doctor’s office at all. His unwell mental state was just insistent on forcing him there.

“So, why are you here today?” The doctor asked.

“Uh…” Devin hesitated. He hadn’t exactly thought through what he was going to say. It took him a while to find the right words. “Uh, I think I might have that new virus.”

“I wouldn’t really call COVID new, but we can-”

“No, not COVID.” Devin interrupted. “The other one…”

“…what other one?”

“You know…” Devin started. “The one that… turns men into women.”

“Oh! You mean Sexual Transmorphism.” The doctor answered.

“Y-yeah, that’s the one. I- I think I might have it.” Devin said.

“Well, do you have any symptoms?”

“I- uh…” Devin’s voice trailed off. He had no idea what the symptoms for this virus were, and there was no way he would be able to pull his phone out to look them up without the doctor knowing what he was doing. He internally cursed at himself. Why didn’t he look the symptoms up? He was such an idiot.

He tried to concentrate through his nervousness. What would the symptoms of a virus like this be?

“Umm… I’ve been feeling kind of sick lately. And I- I…” Devin recalled what Diana told him about losing body mass. “I’ve been pooping a lot. And… I think my genitals are shrinking.”

“Oh dear, that is quite troubling.” The doctor said, seemingly believing Devin’s lies. “Well, what we can do is run a blood test. Don’t worry, we’ll only need one vial, and we can get the results easy and quick. If you want to be sure, then it won’t take much to do this.”

Devin groaned. Did it have to be a blood test? At least this one seemed quick and convenient, but still, he hated blood tests. They always stressed him out. He was absolutely not in the mood to do one today.

But still, he had to know if he had the virus, and he didn't seem to have any other options.

Devin sighed. “Okay.”

“Great!” The doctor replied. “Wait here while I get the supplies. I promise you it won’t be long.”

Devin leaned back in his chair as the doctor left the room. He really hoped he wouldn’t pass out this time. It’s not like he wanted to pass out, he tried not to, but sometimes it just happened. He always felt really ashamed when he did pass out, it made him feel unbearably weak and he didn’t like causing the doctors any extra trouble.

“C’mon Devin.” He thought to himself. “You can do this. Just one vial and it’s done.”

Devin continued to think encouraging thoughts to himself until the doctor came back with the vial.

When the needle approached Devin’s skin, he closed his eyes and did his best to tune out the world around him.

***

It was a success. He did it! He managed to get blood drawn without passing out. He never even felt queasy. In fact, he nearly didn’t feel anything at all. What an incredible feat!

Devin giggled. Calling it a feat was definitely going too far. It was, in reality, a very mundane thing to be proud of, but Devin couldn’t help himself. How could he not be proud? Compared to his previous embarrassing blood drawing session, this was a major accomplishment.

The doctor had left the room a few minutes before, and they were supposedly running the blood through lab tests. They said the tests wouldn’t take long, and that they’d probably be back in about a half hour or so. It seemed like an impossibly fast time to get blood test results, but Devin wasn’t complaining. The sooner he could get this over with the better.

Devin shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he waited. Eventually the seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes turned to hours. At least it felt that way with how nervous and tense he was. Devin rubbed his face with his hands. What was he so nervous about? He chose to come to this doctor’s office by himself. No one else made that choice for him. And it was highly unlikely that they were going to find some insane deadly disease in his blood. Why didn’t he feel calm? There shouldn’t have been anything to worry about.

And yet there was.

Did he want to have this virus?

He had certainly spent a lot of time thinking about how he was possibly leading himself to disappointment by coming here, but he wasn’t ready to face the reason why he’d be feeling disappointment.

He wanted to know if he had the virus, but what results did he want to get?

There was no way he could justify this one. Frantically running to the doctor’s office to see if he had a sex changing virus after seeing one of his friends get hit by it and becoming angry and jealous.

And yeah, there was no use in denying that anymore. He was jealous of Diana. Very, very jealous.

Jealous because he wanted to be a-

The door swung open, with the doctor coming inside the room.

“Sorry it took so long, but we got a bit more information than we thought we would. Trust me, it’s not bad. It’s quite good, in fact.”

Curious, Devin leaned forward in his chair.

“As it turns out, your DNA has a very strong resilience to the kind of virus Sexual Transmorphism is.” The doctor paused for a bit. “In other words, you’re immune!”

What?

“Yeah, you won’t ever have to worry about turning into a girl. Your body won’t allow it. Pretty good, huh?”

Devin sat there, completely speechless.

“Now, I can get you some medicine for some of your other symptoms if you want…”

The doctor’s voice trailed off once they saw Devin stand up and walk out of the room, without saying a thing.

“Hey, where are you going? We’re not done here yet!”

Devin ignored any of the calls for him to come back. He simply walked out of the building, got into his car, and began driving home.

***

Devin did not utter a single sound during the drive home. His mind was almost entirely blank, with not one thought coming through. At that moment, for all intents and purposes, he was a robot who could only think of his driving and the road.

By the time Devin had reached his house, the full moon was shining ominously in the night sky. It gave off a very foreboding atmosphere that he could sense in every inch of his skin.

Devin pulled into his driveway, exited his car, and entered his house. All while still completely silent, nothing coming from his mouth nor his mind. He went and sat down on a couch in the living room and stared at the floor.

While looking at the bland, boring floor tiles, his mind slowly started filling with thoughts again. And when that happened, he started laughing. Loudly.

Really, really loudly.

He laughed on and on. The laughing was so loud it almost echoed through the walls of the house. He had no idea how long he laughed for. It didn’t feel like it happened for any conceivable length of time. He just laughed, and that was it.

And really, why shouldn’t he have laughed? This was all quite funny.

Just that day, he had learned that some insane sex changing virus existed. One that he had somehow never heard of until his teacher talked about it after a phone call. Then he found out one of his closest friends had caught that virus and became a girl. Then he started acting really weird and dickish toward that friend as a fiery inferno of rage and jealousy burned within him.

And then he went to the doctor, desperate to see if he had that virus. And he finds out that not only did he not have it, but he’s in fact immune to it! He can never catch it! What a knee slapper! It was so funny it couldn’t have even been ruined in an SNL skit.

Hell, he could give comedians some new material. He could just imagine the awakened spirit of George Carlin telling that story as part of one of his routines.

Devin’s laughter died down once he was physically incapable of laughing anymore. Soon enough, he was sitting down on the couch, silent again. Except this time his mind wasn’t silent. No, it was very, very loud.

All the different thoughts and feelings being shot around Devin’s mind at a million miles an hour could be summed in one phrase.

It should have been him.

He was the one who read through all the TG stories and comics. The one who looked at all the TG art. If any boy were to turn into a girl, it should have been him. He deserved it, it was his right.

Instead, Diana was the one who was blessed with the transformation. Why? Did she think about becoming a girl every day? Was it a fantasy she was constantly obsessed with? What did she know of desiring something so much it made you sick? Did she even know what Devin had gone through?

Devin went through his mind and saw Diana, laughing and talking among her friends. Even if she was in a new and unfamiliar form, she still thrived as a person. She was happy, content, and free. She was not restricted by her body, rather, she was able to let her body be her own. The beautiful feeling of being at peace with yourself was all hers.

It was a feeling Devin could never have.

Devin covered his face with both his hands, but his sobbing failed to be contained.

***

The basement was cold, dark, and full of random antique items scattered about everywhere. The storage room in particular was extremely crowded, lined with a bunch of containers holding supplies that rarely, if ever, went out and got used.

For Devin, it was just the right place.

What he was about to do was something that should have been done a long time ago. He had contemplated and even planned it in the past, but he never went through with it. This time would be different though, he was sure of it.

Holding a knife in his hand, Devin took his pants and underwear and slowly slid them down to his feet. He shivered when he felt the cold breeze on his crotch.

He scarcely put much thought into his suicide methods, but when he did, the answer became very clear and obvious. He would not die with that thing attached to him.

There were many words he could use to describe having a male body: tiring, stressful, painful, disgusting, uncomfortable, agonizing, torturous, and difficult. But the word he thought was the best, was work.

Being in a male body was constant, never ending work. Work no one wanted to do, but had to be done. His very existence felt like work. Awful, awful work.

Devin pulled out his phone and looked at himself through the camera. When he did, he was assured this was his only option. He had long since memorized all the details about his face that he despised so deeply. His rough, leathery skin; his harshly sloped jaw; his large nose; his insistent facial hair; and his giant head. When he looked further down at his body, he was reminded of the rest of his disgusting self. His wide rib cage; his large mannish hands and feet; his flat chest; and his long, thick, black body hair spread out all over him. He wanted to shave it off, but what was the point? Every time he tried, it grew back within a day. Might as well not even bother, shaving wouldn’t hide how gross his body was.

He was stuck with all of this, for the rest of his life. There would never be any escape or relief.

There truly was only one option.

Devin nearly smiled. Just a few hours earlier he was nervous to get blood drawn, and now look what he was about to do. He had made so much progress in so little time. He was so proud of himself. He could definitely handle bleeding from his crotch. After all, women dealt with that every month, there wasn’t any reason why he couldn’t handle it for an hour.

In a swift move, Devin took his knife and went to slice off his genitals.

He cut them clean off the first try.

Immediately afterward he collapsed onto the ground and began groaning. Blood was quickly spilling out from his crotch and his skin was turning pale. His breathing was growing labored and it felt like all his organs were on the verge of collapse. There was no doubt about it, he was dying. Cutting off his genitals was going to kill him.

As Devin’s vision started to blur and blacken, he was really only left with one question. Was it worth it? Was killing himself worth it? Was living as a man his whole life really so bad that he would rather die than even give it an attempt?

Was it worth having a gravestone with “Devin Farrow” listed as the name?

To him, the answer was unequivocally yes.

People were always going to see him as a man anyway. It didn’t matter if he died today or in fifty years. They'd still see him as a man, forever and for always. If that was the case, then he might as well get his death over with now. There was no point in continuing such a miserable and agonizing life.

If reincarnation was real, then maybe he'd have another chance. A chance to live a true life. A life that actually felt like his.

Devin was motionless as his body was shutting down. His blood continuing to leave his crotch, his organs further breaking down, his life fading away. His body was a machine continuing to malfunction until it couldn't work anymore.

And then it all stopped.

Devin should've been dead, but by some miracle he wasn't. In fact, he no longer felt like he was dying at all. He didn’t even feel any pain. It had all gone away. His entire life had flashed before his eyes before coming back to him at a moment’s notice.

Devin stood up. He looked around and was greeted with nothing but walls and floor. All the cabinets, furniture, and portraits were gone just like his feelings of death. Not even the blood stains remained. It had all vanished without a trace, leaving behind an empty room.

Devin began walking around, trying to see if anything was left. He searched the entire house, but nothing turned up.

While walking, Devin tripped on a untied shoelace and began falling face first toward the ground. He closed his eyes and braced for impact.

It never came.

Devin felt the ground beneath him disappear. He opened his eyes to find he was in free fall.

Looking upwards, Devin saw his house getting further and further away. Surrounding him was nothing more than an endless black void. All together, it looked like it could have been an out of bounds area in a video game.

The impossibility of it all failed to even slightly faze him. Somehow, he had fallen through the floor. It was like he glitched out of reality. Considering what he was seeing right now, that may very well have been the case.

Nothing changed as Devin continued to fall. Just the same blackness that went on forever. Was this what death was like? Just an eternity of falling? And why was he falling? Was he going to hell?

Maybe he was already in hell and this was what it was like. Just never ending falling. It’d certainly fulfill the purpose of eternal torture.

Turning his head downward, Devin saw a faint light in the distance. At first he thought he was imagining it but as he saw it grow larger and brighter, he was assured that it was real. And he was falling toward it.

As it got closer, Devin saw that the light could better be described as just being solid white. And it was bright. Very bright. So bright in fact that he had to close his eyes.

Pretty soon, he was enveloped in an endless void of white. At least he assumed, he couldn’t open his eyes to check. He’d probably go blind.

In an action that defied physics, Devin felt his body fall faster and faster. Speeds at which he was sure the human body wasn’t physically capable of. At this point, all he wanted was for the falling to end. He was pleading for it, begging for it. There was nothing in the world he wanted more than for it to stop.

Then the falling finally did stop. He landed on something.

Opening his eyes, he saw himself laying down on his bed. To his side he was greeted with the familiar sound of “Losing My Religion” playing on his phone.

He felt groggy, as if he had just woken up. Well, now that reality was coming back to him, he had just woken up. And he was nothing but thankful for it.

Most of Devin’s dreams were absurd nonsense. Meaningless junk that was quickly forgotten. But there were a few that were different. A few that were special. A few that hit him deep and crushed his soul.

He was sure he’d be remembering the dream he just had for a long time.

Usually the dreams that would tease him about wanting to be a girl were more sparse and spread out. But he had just had two of the most intense nightmares he ever had within just a few days of each other. Very cruel and sadistic nightmares he could still vividly recall. Did it mean anything? Should he tell someone else about this? Would he be having more nightmares like this in the future?

Would they stop if he embraced Sierra?

Shaking his head, Devin reached his hand over to his phone and turned off his alarm. He then felt a strong need to check Ryan’s instagram page, just to make sure he still wasn’t dreaming. He searched it up and clicked on Ryan’s profile. His latest post was a picture of him and his friends camping that same morning, and he was as male as ever. Devin sighed in relief. Diana was nothing more than a creation by his own mind. An imaginary person that never existed.

How did his mind do that?

Somehow, Devin’s mind had created an entirely new person. It was quite a stunning thing to think about, even if Diana’s appearance was heavily based on Ryan. Devin could still see Diana’s image when he closed his eyes.

Why should she be left forgotten?

It was likely that over time, Diana would fade from his memory, but he wanted to remember her. His brain had conjured up an entire person by itself, and he wanted that accomplishment to stay.

He hadn’t drawn anything in a long time, but it was never a wrong time to start up again.

Opening the sketchpad app on his computer, he began drawing.

It took hours of deep concentration for Devin to finally finish the drawing. In the end, he was quite satisfied with what he came up with. He briefly considered showing the drawing to the TF discord he was in, but he decided against it. This was a picture he thought he should keep to himself.

Devin frowned as he took a deep look at the picture of Diana. The nightmare he just had was still fresh in his head, and he couldn’t help but feel ashamed of the way he had acted in it. Intellectually, he knew that he could hardly be held accountable for the actions he took in his dreams, but still, he was such an ass. He made another person’s traumatic experience his problem and acted like a dick around them. Very rarely did he think about their pain. Even if said person wasn’t real, he was a selfish prick.

Is that how he would act in real life? He hoped not. He was sure he wasn’t that bad of a person. And that dream was filled with errors and nonsense anyway. As the Inception quote went, “dreams feel real when we’re in them, it’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange”.

Sighing, Devin saved the image to his hard drive, and took his phone out to check his text messages. Elise was going to be coming over today, and it seemed she would arrive around noon. There was also another text of hers that caught his eye.

“I talked to them and they agreed to let you speak with my grandparents. You’ll be going over on Saturday.”

With everything else going on, Devin forgot about his request to talk with Elise’s grandparents. A part of him had wished her parents would have said “no” to it. Unfortunately, he was now stuck with this. At least he had two days to rehearse what he would say.

“Saturday”, Devin thought to himself. It was currently Thursday, and he had four more days until his parents came home. They would inevitably put an end to the daily visits Elise and him were having. That, he was not looking forward to at all.

Better enjoy it while it lasts.

***

As Elise walked to her front door, she checked her purse. She was planning to bring Devin a gift she thought he might like, and she wanted to make sure it was still there.

“Going to Devin’s house again?”

Elise turned her head from the door, annoyed at the sound of her little sister’s voice. “Yes.”

Emma crossed her arms. “You’ve been going there a lot, what’s going on? What are you doing there?”

Elise groaned. “Have you ever noticed that I never pry into your relationship? Because I have.”

“Just curious…” Emma said defensively. “Want to make sure you’re not getting pregnant over there.”

“Oh, you’re SO funny.” Elise said sarcastically. She was about to open the front door and leave when Emma spoke up again.

“His parents aren’t home, are they?”

Elise stood frozen, not answering.

“I knew it! I’m telling Mom. No one should be spending that much time at their boyfriend’s house.”

“Do not tell them.” Elise demanded sternly.

“Why? What’s in it for me?”

Elise racked her head. “If you don’t tell them, then I’ll… uh… I’ll give you twenty dollars.”

“Hmm… fine, but give it here now.” Emma held out her hand.

Elise sighed angrily as she took out her wallet and handed over the money.

“You’re so lucky Mom and Dad are clueless.” Emma said before walking away.

Elise got a laugh out of that.

***

“I guess I found another cliché.” Devin thought as he found himself staring into the mirror again.

It was almost as if mirrors had a grip on Devin’s soul. So many times in the past few days he had stared into them and contemplated his mental state. Perhaps he was also admiring himself a bit too. Half of him really liked seeing the cute short haired girl in his reflection. But the other half was still deeply ashamed of her.

Should he give in? It seemed Elise wanted him to. And a part of his mind really wanted him to as well. Sierra was the part of him that was happier, after all. It could only be good to embrace her…

Devin shook his head. No, he wouldn’t give in. He couldn’t give in. It intimidated him. It scared him. But it also excited him. It enticed him.

Conflicted, Devin walked away, leaving the mirror, but only temporarily. He was sure he’d be back later that day.

***

The moment Devin heard the doorbell ring, he sprinted. He opened the front door and immediately went to hug Elise.

“Looks like someone’s happy to see me.” Elise smiled.

“I’m always happy to see you.” Devin said before giving her a kiss on the cheek.

Elise gently pushed Devin’s head back. “Alright, let’s take it easy now.”

Devin giggled. “I’m sorry.” He said.

Devin looked down and noticed Elise was holding something.

“You brought your purse?” He asked. “You’re only going to be here for a couple hours.”

“Yeah, well, I brought something a little special today.”

“You did?” Devin asked her.

“Yeah, and my pants don’t have pockets.” Elise shrugged. “You’re gonna learn that struggle pretty soon. Women’s pants just don’t have pockets. It’s like a sick joke by the fashion designers.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, the thing I brought, it’s for you.”

“Really?” Devin asked, surprised. “You’re… giving me something? You really didn’t have to…”

“Well, you’re getting this whether you like it or not.” Elise stated. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

***

Sitting on the couch, Elise rummaged through her purse. “I hope it didn’t get lost in the car.”

“What is it?”

“You’ll see. Just be patient.”

Devin waited another few seconds before Elise pulled something out with both her hands. She was holding a silver necklace, with a heart shaped pendant on the bottom.

“I thought you might like this.” She said.

“A necklace?”

“Yep.” Elise nodded her head. “What do you think?”

“It’s uh-” Devin’s voice trailed off. Elise had gotten him a necklace? Looking at it, it was very clearly a feminine necklace, one definitely meant for a woman. The female half of Devin’s mind was incredibly excited by it, but the stubborn male half wanted it as far away as possible.

“Well, don’t be shy. Take it.”

Devin reached out his shaking hand to take the necklace. Why was he so afraid? It was a damn necklace! He couldn’t have actually been scared of a necklace, right?

“What’s wrong?” Elise asked.

“I- I-” Devin was unable to answer.

Elise turned her head at Devin’s conflicting emotional state. She then decided to go about this in a different way. “Hold on.” She said while putting the necklace down.

Elise moved a chair in front of the body length mirror in the living room and had Devin sit down on it.

“Hold still.” She said.

Devin obliged and from there, Elise slowly pulled up the necklace and placed it down firmly around his neck. He almost shivered once he felt the chains touch his skin.

“So, what do you think?” Elise put her hands on Devin’s shoulders.

Devin stared into the mirror, seeing the reflections before him. Together, the two could definitely make a great lesbian couple, at least in theory. The reflection of Elise showed a beautiful girl with long brown hair and deep brown eyes. The conventional looking girl. And then there was the reflection of himself, showing a more tomboyish girl with a pixie cut styling her brownish blonde hair, along with icy blue eyes.

Devin focused on himself. The silver necklace didn’t look out of place on him. In fact, it actually fit his appearance quite well.

“It looks really nice.” Sierra said, for the first time not caring about her voice.

“I think so too.” Elise agreed.

Under the tree, Sierra laid down on the grass, relishing the shade and the fresh summer air. Her breasts were blatantly visible through her T-shirt, one of her bra straps was exposed, and she was wearing a silver necklace with a heart shaped pendant at the bottom. But she couldn’t be bothered to care about any of that.

At that moment, she felt alive. More alive than she had been in a long time. No one, not even herself, could ruin it.

Sierra looked over beside her, catching the sight of Elise smiling back. She then felt her hand being given a squeeze, as if Elise was reassuring her that everything was going to be okay. Not like she needed that. Everything was far, far better than okay, and Sierra knew it with her whole body.

***

Sierra pulled her phone out. The conversations between her and Elise had once again managed to fall on “For a Girl” by O2bxx. It was a reminder that they still had a few more chapters left to read.

“Where were we again?” Elise asked.

“Chapter nine, Stephanie was just about to go to a pool party.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right.” Elise responded. “That reminds me. We could have a pool party of our own one of these days.”

“What about COVID?”

“Cases aren’t very high right now.” Elise shrugged. “And we’re all vaccinated, anyway.”

“Who would you bring?”

“Just a few friends.”

“Oh…” Sierra replied with a nervous expression.

“What’s wrong?”

“I- umm… I don’t know how I can explain… this…” Sierra gestured down at her body.

Elise’s eyes went wide with realization. “Oh… right. I can see how some people might be a little surprised to see you with… boobs.”

“What should I do?”

“Well, I mean… maybe you could come out before then?”

“Like, come out as trans?”

“Yeah, come out as trans. I’m sure everyone would understand.”

Sierra quickly shook her head. “No, I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

Sierra attempted to reply but found she was unable to. What could she possibly say back to that? Had Elise really just told her to come out? Was it really that simple?

Coming out as trans seemed like such an insane and terrifying thing to do. What could be gained from it? It would quite literally destroy everything. A lifetime of clueless therapists, unsupportive parents, and social ostracization could all very well be right at Sierra’s doorstep. And for what, a pool party?

Needless to say, it would not be worth it.

Besides, one had to actually be trans in order to “come out as trans”, so it wasn’t something that Sierra should even be concerned about.

“Are you going to say why?” Elise asked.

Struggling to form a coherent sentence, Sierra opted to keep it simple. “I… can’t, no.”

“Well, maybe you should put some thought into it.”

Sierra looked into Elise’s eyes, taking in her caring and confident face. If she thought this would be good for her, then it probably was worth looking into, at least a little bit.

Sierra took a deep breath. “Okay, I will.”

***

Reading the ninth chapter of “For a Girl” was able to get Sierra’s mind off the slightly heavy conversation she just had. The internal debates of whether she would come out as trans or if she was even trans at all were silenced by her just relaxing and enjoying the story.

There was a particular part she was enjoying this time, too. Sierra wasn’t someone who got emotional from reading, but even she couldn’t help but smile at the way that Stephanie and Hal’s romantic relationship was portrayed. Yes, it was fueled by forced het, but aside from that, she really liked it.

From Sierra’s perspective, TG stories had a bit of an advantage when it came to the usage of the very common “Friends to Lovers” trope. Most of the time, “Friends to Lovers” consisted of someone falling in love with one of their opposite sex friends, which Sierra found incredibly boring to read about on its own. Being straight was already the societal norm, so there was nothing inherently interesting about it. There was no risk or tension involved, and thus no satisfaction or thrill.

But take the main character, give them a gender transformation, and as Elise said, “it spices things up a bit”.

Sierra remembered someone online saying “Friends to Lovers only works when it’s queer”, and she couldn’t agree more. While a lot of TG stories, including “For a Girl”, aren’t explicitly queer they can still definitely be viewed that way. A man turning into a woman against his will and then falling in love with her male best friend will probably not be seen as a purely cishet relationship by most people.

And that’s what made it so fun to read about.

A “Friends to Lovers” plotline in the average TG story already has more layers to it right off the bat. Looking at “For a Girl”, there were questions of whether or not Stephanie could accept the new sexuality forced upon her, give up her male pride, and embrace loving a man. Plus, she had to deal with some entirely new social dynamics with her friends before the romance was a factor. Even if she conceded that it was extremely heteronormative, Sierra loved reading it.

Obviously, not every TG story does “Friends to Lovers” in this way, even if it is the most common. Some feature an explicitly trans character, some feature a lesbian relationship, and some feature an FtM transformation. It was important to remember that, as the world of gender bending fiction was very diverse.

***

Elise snickered once they got to the scene where Stephanie finds out her mother packed her baby doll pajamas.

“She took that real well. If my mom did that to me, I’d be pissed.”

“I always interpreted that scene as her mother punishing her for being seventeen and not packing for herself.”

“Well, not much of a punishment if she likes it.” Elise pointed out.

“True.” Sierra replied. “I’m kind of curious though, what do baby doll pajamas actually feel like?”

“Don’t know, I’ve never worn them.”

***

“God, her name is Karen?” Elise said. “If this story was posted today she’d definitely be named something else.”

“Yeah, that’s probably the worst aged thing about this story aside from the Bruce Jenner mention.”

***

“I’m sorry.” Sierra said. “But when I read this part the only thing I can think of is that one meme that goes ‘hey queen I saw your tweet about how men are trash’, you know that one?”

“Um, no, I don’t.”

“Oh…”

Elise turned back toward Sierra’s phone. “I don’t know… that just doesn’t sound like something a 17 year old would say…”

“How so?” Sierra asked.

“Aren’t you usually the one who’s complaining?”

“I mean… I understand what you mean, I think.” Sierra said. “These characters tend to… not talk like teenagers.”

“Well, it’s mainly here.” Elise pointed at the screen. “Look at what she’s saying, a very direct explanation about how Stephanie enjoying being a girl means she’s ‘treating femininity with respect’ and that it ‘reflects well on them’. I just think it’s weird for a teenage girl to say something like that. It sounds like… something my mother would say.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of weird.” Sierra affirmed. “How many times have I said the characters in this story talk weird? I’ve lost count.”

“A lot. Including just a few seconds ago.”

“Really? God, sometimes I feel like I have dementia.”

***

“I can just imagine the CinemaSins guy saying ‘Sue says she keeps forgetting Stephanie used to be a boy when just a few minutes earlier she gave her a cheerleading outfit specifically because she was a former guy who treated becoming a girl very well’.”

“Do you actually think there’s something wrong with that?”

“No.” Sierra stated. “Believe it or not, humans are not robots. Also semi-hot take, CinemaSins was never funny.”

***

“Look! I found where you got your views on cheerleading from!”

“Hey… I form my own opinions.” Sierra whined, offended. “And I especially don’t get them from free online stories on the internet.”

“I’m just kidding.” Elise giggled.

Sierra crossed her arms and made that pout Elise always found adorable.

“You’re so cute, you know that?”

Sierra smiled. “I think I do.”

***

“Well, it’s about time they got to that.”

“What is it?” Sierra asked

“Stephanie’s first period.” Elise answered. “I’ve been kind of wondering about that. I was really hoping the author didn’t skip it.”

“Oh yeah.” Sierra said. “No, they don’t skip it. In fact, most TG stories I’ve read do focus on menstruation at some point. Except oddly enough, ‘Of Heroes And Villains’. Yeah, I didn’t notice it at first but despite being one of the most popular TG stories out there, ‘Of Heroes And Villains’ never once brings up menstruation. It’s really odd.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what story you’re talking about.”

“It was the second one down on the favorites list.” Sierra said. “I think you’ve seen that page. Don’t you remember?”

“No, I don’t… wait… oh yeah! I do remember one of those stories was called that.”

“Yeah… look, I know you may not be into gender bending stuff, but you should still definitely give that one a read. I think you’d really like it. It has an explicitly trans character, too.”

Elise nodded her head. “You know what? I will.”

***

While finishing up the ninth chapter of “For a Girl”, a thought came to the forefront of Sierra’s mind. It was something about the story that had been bothering her the entire time she had been reading it with Elise, and she was only now realizing it.

These teenagers were too damn horny.

That’s what she thought, at least. Considering how wrong Sierra could be when gauging human behavior, she may have been the weird one here. But this all just seemed too out of hand. The way many scenes in the story were being described, it was as if a full-on orgy could occur at any second.

Was she really the only person who noticed? She didn’t remember many reviewers talking about it. What about Elise? Did she notice? Sierra had to know.

“Hey, do you think these kids are a little too horny?”

“Hmm?”

“I was just asking… do you think these kids are a little too horny? Because I do.” Sierra explained.

“Oh…” Elise said. “I mean, I don’t really think so. Don’t you remember homecoming? A lot of couples there looked like they would start having sex, right on the dancefloor.”

Sierra huffed. “Oh yeah, I remember that. The principal even told everyone ‘no grinding’. Of course, that didn’t stop anything.”

Elise laughed, causing Sierra to smile.

“You know.” Sierra said. “We’re a pretty… uh… shit, I can’t think of a word. ‘Hands-off couple’? Is that a phrase that exists?”

“Jesus Sierra, you can just say we’re a couple that doesn’t have sex.”

Sierra’s mouth went wide open. She was completely speechless.

“What is it?” Elise asked. “Oh, please don’t tell me that hearing me say sex is really that shocking to you.”

“You just called me Sierra…”

Elise got confused. “I mean yeah… it’s not the first time I’ve called you that.”

“No… but it’s the first time you called me it casually. Like… the first time you said it without really thinking.”

“Oh… you’re welcome?”

Instead of replying back, Sierra immediately went to hug Elise. There was a huge amount of enthusiasm bubbling within her, and she could hardly contain it.

As she felt Elise’s arms slowly wrap around her, she almost cried tears of happiness.

It was a rather silly thing to be so joyful about, all things considered. On its own, that little action didn’t mean much. But it represented so much more. Elise was beginning to see her differently. Their relationship was changing.

And Sierra was sure those changes would be for the better.

There was something about Sierra's walk that she was completely oblivious to. It wasn't an immediately noticeable detail, though it couldn't really be described as subtle either.

The months of taking female hormones had widened Sierra's hips, but when she saw herself as Devin, it seemed like that fact put her to shame. Her whole body moved in a very stiff and awkward manner, as if she was restricting herself. To put it bluntly, she walked like she had a pole shoved up her ass.

However, when she saw herself as Sierra, her body moved much more freely. Her hips were free to sway from side to side like a woman’s would. She was less restricted, less ashamed, more comfortable, and more alive. She was more content and at peace with herself, and it was very visually apparent.

Sierra herself may not have noticed it, but her girlfriend did. Elise giggled as she studied Sierra’s lower half.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Elise lied, smiling.

***

By the time Sierra and Elise came back from their walk around the neighborhood, they were back to reading “For a Girl”. The tenth chapter was by far the shortest, aside from the Epilogue, and it mainly revolved around Stephanie getting ready for her court appearance, where she’d have to argue in a trial about why she deserved to run in the girls’ race.

It was also the chapter where the principal spanking scene is mentioned once, and then is never brought up again in any meaningful capacity for the rest of the story until the Epilogue

“That’s it?” Elise asked.

“Basically yeah.”

“So… there’s one scene where Stephanie literally gets molested by an older man, who is also the school principal. And then that scene is never mentioned again except in another scene where she is in the same room with him and wants to recreate the experience?”

“Yep, pretty much.” Sierra answered. “I think I already told you that though.”

“Don’t care. This is so baffling to me you could explain it a hundred times and I still wouldn’t get it.” Elise said. “This man should be in jail. He shouldn’t be anywhere near underage girls, at the least.”

“The only way this makes some sense to me is if that theory about the principal infecting Stephanie with GB is true.” Sierra explained. “And that he somehow also programmed her to be subservient to him. It’s extremely eerie to think about though.”

“Honestly I think the best way to view that scene is to do what the story does most of the time, pretend it didn’t happen.”

***

“Holy shit.” Sierra said. “I never noticed how awful Hal is being here.”

“What do you mean?”

Sierra pointed at the paragraph through the screen. “Read this shit. Hal is literally saying he’s glad this all happened to Stephanie. Happy she got hit with GB because he likes being with her. What an entitled prick. Even tries to preempt it with ‘Don’t take this the wrong way’. It didn’t work, asshole… well I guess it did because Stephanie didn’t care, but whatever my point still stands.”

Elise squinted her eyes for a bit. “Oh, yeah… I see it. That is kind of dickish… I don’t think he was trying to be a dick though.”

“I mean… from this paragraph it’s clear he was only thinking of himself and wasn’t even considering Stephanie’s feelings despite her being the one who, you know, actually went through GB.” Sierra argued. “He’s basically just saying ‘Hey, I know having a forced sex change was super traumatic for you, but I like that it happened because you give me a hard-on’.”

“Now now, I wouldn’t be that harsh. They are dating, aren’t they?”

“To me that just means Hal is kind of a shitty boyfriend.”

Elise laughed. “Look at you, you’re getting worked up over fictional characters.”

“I know, it’s a problem.” Sierra agreed. “Yelling over a fictional piece of media. I feel like one of those deranged internet youtube critics.”

“I mean, you are one of those, aren’t you?”

“Sadly.”

***

There wasn’t any break taken between the tenth and eleventh chapters. Once Sierra and Elise got to the part where Stephanie was being driven to the courthouse, they continued through to her arrival.

“I don’t think ‘girl’ is a verb.” Elise said.

Sierra looked down toward her phone, at the “girliest girl who ever girled” line. “Yeah… it’s a weird sentence.”

***

“Hey look, it’s the characters from the Girl School plotline!” Sierra exclaimed. “The only other time they appear in this story, aside from getting mentioned in the epilogue.”

“Weren’t there four of them?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, the story kind of forgets Beth exists after the third chapter.” Sierra answered. “She’s never mentioned again. It's really strange. I kind of like to think that in universe, someone performed an identity death on Beth and made her a guy again, making it so no one remembered ‘Beth’ even existed.”

“Okay, that’s the second time today you thought of a fanfiction for this story.” Elise pointed out. “You need to calm down.”

“I know.” Sierra said with a sigh. “I promise I don’t have any other weird theories about this story, okay?”

“Don’t trust you.” Elise replied before Sierra gave a knowing laugh. “Also what’s ‘identity death’?”

“It’s this very controversial type of transformation in TF fiction, where someone transforms into something else and loses all of their old memories.” Sierra explained. “They forget all about their old life and gain a new set of memories, essentially changing reality.”

“Damn, that sounds intense.”

“Yeah, it’s no wonder why it’s so controversial.” Sierra responded. “Personally, I don’t think it’s used well most of the time. The concept of identity death is terrifying, but it’s rarely ever treated like the terrifying thing it is. It’s usually forced in at the end and that’s it. Very cheap.”

***

At this point, Sierra felt like a broken record. She had already criticized “For a Girl” for being problematic multiple times, and she didn’t want to keep doing it.

But damn, this story really messed up… again.

The courthouse scene took up most of the eleventh chapter, and it was everything one would expect from a courthouse scene in media. Unrealistic, overdramatic, and very entertaining. At least, Sierra thought it was entertaining. It was all going well.

Until the very end.

The prosecutors in the trial, after not being able to prove Stephanie has a physical advantage, start going for anything that could indicate Stephanie is still male in some way. And it eventually ends with them trying to claim that if Stephanie were attracted to women, she’d still retain some elements of her maleness, so she couldn’t participate in the girls’ race. Stephanie counters this by saying she has a boyfriend, and after that she wins the trial.

Comparisons to real life controversies with trans athletes aside, it was an extremely off-putting scene that absolutely did not need to be there. Sure, one of the characters does state that sexual orientation is not relevant to someone’s athletic ability, but the story still insists on having this be the deciding factor in the trial.

No other way around it, Stephanie’s heterosexuality is used as a justification for her being able to compete with girls.

Were the 2000s really that bad for LGBT representation? Even outside of mainstream media?

Seriously, what the hell?

***

“Okay, I didn’t say this before, but I can’t ignore it anymore. No mother and daughter would be that okay with each other’s nudity.” Elise declared. “At least not in America. I’ve never seen it.”

“To be honest, I never thought this scene was very realistic either.” Sierra said back. “I just couldn’t buy that a teenage girl would skinny dip with someone else, even if it was another girl. They definitely wouldn’t skinny dip with their mother, that’s for sure. Maybe the 2000s were a different time, but I still don’t see it happening.”

“Even then, I doubt that much cultural change could happen in just two decades, especially since this story was written after 9/11.” Elise added. “Maybe my mom could inform me about this. If, for some reason, I feel the need to ask her.”

***

The young couple continued to find themselves in awe of the sheer absurdity of the skinny dipping scene. And for Elise, that was all it was. But for Sierra, reading the scene evoked a much deeper feeling.

The skinny dipping scene actually had a lot of significance in relation to Stephanie’s character development. It marked the moment in the story where she realized she wouldn’t want to be male again, even if given the choice. She comes to appreciate her womanhood to the point where she’d turn down a cure for GB if one were ever found. And for the reader, it was a very satisfying moment. The story had been building up to it for ten chapters, and it made for a fantastic pay off.

There was also one rather interesting quote. There’s a part where Stephanie describes a magazine she flipped through as a young boy, which featured two women in a forest in only underwear, admiring a butterfly. When she saw that image, she got the sense that the two women shared something she, as a boy, couldn’t understand. And in her own words: “I remember feeling jealous of them, of whatever… magic they had and I didn’t”.

This was the only line in the story that implies Stephanie may have been transgender all along, and never realized it. It was normal for a person to think about or wonder what being the opposite sex would be like, from time to time, but to become envious of two women sharing something special that a man couldn’t understand was a feeling Sierra believed most young boys just wouldn’t get.

She got it, though.

She had always gotten it, throughout her entire life. The incredible, overwhelming envy of women. Jealous of them simply because they were women and she was not.

There was a time, when she was very young, where the mere suggestion that boys didn’t want to be girls would completely blow her mind. She could just imagine little Sierra saying “What? All boys want to be girls, that’s a fact! It’s something they think about every day. How could they not? Girls are so much nicer and prettier than boys and their clothes look so fun to wear.” She cringed now, but when she was a little kid, that was exactly what her thoughts were. She never voiced them however. Sometimes she wondered what would have happened if she did. Maybe things would have turned out better. Maybe worse. Who knows?

Nowadays, those thoughts reminded her of a simpler time. Recently, her thoughts about wanting to be a woman were more along the lines of “only a sick, perverted, and entitled man like you would want to be a woman. No one will ever see you as a woman, so you shouldn’t even try. You’ll always resemble a man perpetually getting off to a fetish. You should just kill yourself. Permanently end your existence and all the hatred of yourself and your body will be gone. But make sure you do it by self castration, wouldn’t want to be buried with that thing attached to you.”

She really wanted to kill herself, and in a dream maybe she could. But in real life, she was too afraid of being buried with the name “Devin Farrow” carved into the gravestone. There was a small part of her that hoped one day, she’d be able to get over that fear.

Sometimes her feelings were just too overwhelming and she needed to escape from reality, which she was partially doing right now, with “For a Girl”. And the current skinny dipping scene was hitting her especially hard in both a good and bad way.

When looked upon a bit deeper, the scene seemed to feature some kind of religious symbolism. A mother and a daughter swimming together in a nature environment, with grass, trees, and birds. What specific kind of religious symbolism Sierra couldn’t say, but the overall tone strongly pointed toward something religious.

But beyond any possible references to religion, the scene largely represented one thing: the fact that Stephanie could now give birth.

When Stephanie realizes this, she enters a dream-like trance, becoming extremely happy and content with her status. It was the main factor leading to her discovery that she wouldn’t want to be a man again, if she was given the option.

When Sierra reads this, she enters a dream-like trance of her own, imagining herself as Stephanie. The girl who just realized she could give birth. The girl who loves the feeling that knowing one can give birth exudes. The girl who is at peace with her body.

Sierra put herself in Stephanie’s situation, imagining how amazing it would be if all of that happened to her. And since Stephanie was transformed into a girl against her will, there was no shame attached.

But then once she stopped reading, and came back to reality, it was a miserable feeling.

The truth was that Sierra couldn’t give birth. Pregnancy for trans women was still mostly just a theory. Considering how science had been able to do so many incredible things in the past, Sierra didn’t think it was impossible. But not in her lifetime, and that was if global warming didn’t destroy the world before it could be done.

Reading the story was such a great feeling. To read about someone else getting everything you could possibly want was, for Sierra, too thrilling to quantify.

It was a beautiful daydream, showcasing how amazing the brain could make one feel when in bliss.

And it was a harsh reminder of how hard that all plummets when you go back to reality.

Did it have to be this bad?

***

Sierra had a longing expression on her face as they finished the eleventh chapter. The skinny dipping scene had hit her a lot harder than she initially expected. Ending a reading session of a TG story, it had never been this bad before, even during the previous sessions with Elise. What had changed? Was there something wrong with her? Did she need help?

“Hey, are you okay?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“Well, I am.” Sierra said a bit harshly.

“Uh-huh.” Elise said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong… let’s just go on and read the next chapter, we’re almost finished with this story.”

“I think we oughta call it quits for today if you’re acting like this.”

Sierra rubbed her face. “Alright, whatever.”

Elise inched closer and put her hands on Sierra’s shoulders.

“Doing the massage again?”

“Of course.” Elise said to her. “You’re tense. It’s what you need.”

“No offense, but this isn’t making me feel any better.”

Elise removed her hands and then kissed Sierra’s lips.

“Did that make you feel better?”

Sierra smiled. “Yeah, it did.”

Rule of thumb, never believe a couple when they say “only one kiss”, even if those exact words are not actually spoken. Any situation which calls for a single kiss will most likely result in more.

Case in point, just seconds after Elise kissed Sierra on the lips to make her feel better, the young couple was full on making out on the grassy ground.

It was not nearly as pleasant as the romance movies would lead you to believe.

Elise raised her head from Sierra’s lips. “This is kind of rough.”

Sierra frowned and made a whining noise.

Elise giggled. “Oh don’t worry you hungry little bastard. There will be plenty of kisses… as long as we do it on your couch. This is really uncomfortable.”

Sierra’s face reddened as her pout lips turned to a smile.

***

Sierra and Elise immediately fell onto the couch the second they caught sight of it. They were in each other’s arms, with Elise on top.

Time seemed to stop once they started kissing.

***

After making out inevitably became boring, the two lovers sat up on the living room couch, talking about mostly mundane things.

That all came to an end when Sierra finally mustered up the courage to ask a rather difficult question.

“So… I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while, but… why did your parents agree to let me talk with your grandparents?”

“Hmm? Oh, well… they just didn’t have any other ideas. They know you have some, let’s say, strong opinions about politics and such, so they basically said ‘what the hell’ and agreed, so long as your parents were okay with it.”

“They don’t even have to know.” Sierra chuckled.

“Yeah, can’t argue with that.” Elise grinned.

“What time will I go over?”

“Twelve O’Clock at noon, no sooner, no later.”

Sierra nodded her head. “Okay, I think I can handle that. At least, I hope I can.”

“You’d better, because my grandparents are pretty messed up.”

***

"Did you ever end up getting measurements?"

"Uh…" Sierra stammered

Elise rolled her eyes. "So no, you didn't."

"You just asked me two days ago!"

"Two days is enough time, you can't be putting this off."

"B- but…"

"But what?"

"But I already have bras though." Sierra argued. "Getting those was embarrassing enough."

"Yes, a girl getting her first bra is always embarrassing. At least you didn't have to do it with your mom. Lucky…" Elise said. "I mean, you were a little… older than most girls at that point. I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse.”

"It'd be better, wouldn't it? More mentally prepared?"

"Possibly, but that's not important. What's important is that, if you’re not going to get measurements, you’re gonna go through the fantastic experience of bra shopping WITH another person."

Elise grinned while Sierra gulped.

***

“Do you like John Oliver?” Sierra asked out of the blue.

“What?”

“I saw some people on twitter saying he was bad.” Sierra explained. “They said he doesn’t have a spine and won’t ever actually say ‘capitalism is bad’ so he just tiptoes around it with cringey comedy. Personally though… I think he’s done more good than harm. He’s about as left wing as you can be on American television without getting pulled off the air, and he’s done some pretty good segments if you can get past all the bad jokes.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “I don’t watch him much, but thank you for reminding me of something, you have a big problem.”

Sierra’s cheeks flushed red. “I’m sorry for mansplaining. You can punch me if you want.”

“What? No, you dingus. You spend too much time online, that’s your problem.”

“What do you mean?”

Elise sighed. “Sierra, I will always love you, you know that. You’re every clichéd love line I could possibly think of and more. But you spend way too much time online. It’s affecting how you think. A lot of people think you’re cool, but they also think you’re weird.”

“It’s just a hobby of mine…”

“Yes! And that’s great. It's good to be online. But sometimes you need to… you know, step outside and talk with some real people for a bit. And I don’t think you do that enough. Like, believe it or not, most people aren’t communists.”

“Now, I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a communist.” Sierra said back. “But there’s nothing wrong with being one.”

“Of course not, but you know, sometimes you act like most people want to abolish capitalism when that’s not really true at all.”

“It’s not, but most people do hate capitalism and don’t know it yet.” Sierra responded. “That’s a fact.”

“Maybe it is…” Elise said then shook her head. “But that’s not important, what’s important is you, and needing to spend more time outside.”

“But I- I can’t go outside. Not like this.”

“Why?”

“Because of my… breasts.”

Elise took a long, slow sigh. “I can see how you'd be uncomfortable with that, but you know… some time you’re going to have to stop hiding this. You can’t keep this going forever.”

“There’s nothing stopping me from-”

“No!” Elise shouted. “No, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it. It’s not true. There are plenty of things stopping you. Your boobs will grow to the point where a sweatshirt can no longer hide them. You’ll get heat stroke. Fuck, look at yourself! You’re so miserable all the time. Everyone can see it! If you could just… let go of being a guy, you’d be so much happier. You know that!”

Sierra stared at Elise silently. No words were spoken for a few long seconds.

“I’m sorry.” Elise muttered. “I shouldn’t be blowing up at-”

She was cut off by Sierra hugging her tightly.

“I’m sorry.” Sierra said, emphasizing the ‘I’.

Elise was right. Sierra knew she was right. She had always known all of what she just said to be true.

Which is why she found it extremely frustrating that she could never act on any of it.

***

The atmosphere between the young couple was awkward for a while.

“So…” Elise said with a forced cough. “About you getting out more…”

“Will we be yelling again?” Sierra asked with a mocking tone.

“No, fingers crossed.” Elise answered. “Anyway, I was thinking, how would you feel about going down to that mall again?”

“You mean the one we went to last week?”

“Yeah, that one.”

Sierra bit her lip in nervousness. “I don’t know…”

“It’ll be tomorrow, just so you know. We don’t have enough time today.”

“Okay…” Sierra said. “I’ll, uh, think about it tonight.”

“That’s fine, but I need a solid answer tomorrow.” Elise said. “I hope it’s ‘yes’ by the way. I really think going out would be good for you.”

“Well, if I do say ‘yes’, I’d need to find out what to do about my breasts.”

Elise frowned. “You know, that’s another thing I’ve noticed about you.”

“What?”

“You always say breasts, never boobs.”

“So?”

“It sounds weird.” Elise said. “You’re always talking about them like you’re a doctor or something.”

“I don’t see the problem. The other word sounds too juvenile and demeaning.”

“Juvenile? Demeaning?” Elise scoffed. “This is what I’m talking about when I say you spend too much time online. Most normal people use the word ‘boobs’ every day with no problem. Meanwhile you’re too afraid to even say it.”

“I’m not afraid of a word.” Sierra defended herself.

“Oh yeah? Prove it.” Elise challenged her. “Say ‘boobs’.”

“Okay…” Sierra’s voice trailed off. She hesitated for what seemed like a long time.

She didn’t get it. It was just a word. Was she actually afraid of saying a word? It was one thing to mainly use the word ‘breasts’. It was a whole other thing to completely avoid saying the other common term for that body part all together. What was wrong with her? Why was this word so intimidating?

Just when it looked like Elise was going to end the challenge, Sierra very quickly blurted out “boobs”.

“That took way too long.”

“Yeah… I know.” Sierra agreed. “I don’t know what it is about that word that… gets me so worked up.”

“Well, whatever it is, I think you should find out, because this…” Elise pointed two fingers at Sierra, “isn’t healthy.”

***

Elise looked at her phone as soon as she heard the notification sound.

“Well, it looks like it’s that time again.”

“Aww, does it have to be so soon? Feels like you just got here.” Sierra whined.

“Oh stop it, I’ll be here tomorrow.” Elise replied playfully. “You greedy little shit.”

Sierra giggled, prompting Elise to shake her head.

The two girls slowly put their arms around each other.

“I love you.” Elise said.

“I love you, too.” Sierra said back.

Elise held Sierra’s head close to her’s. “I want you to love yourself.”

Sierra stared at Elise for a bit before giving her a slight nod.

Elise kissed Sierra on the lips. “See you tomorrow.” She left through the front door.

Sierra looked out the window as she saw Elise’s car depart her driveway.

“Did you see that new bridge at the end of town?” Julie asked. “It looks really high class. Doesn’t fit this town very well.”

Ronald looked up from his laptop at the sound of his wife’s voice. “Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s weird.”

The married couple’s conversation was interrupted by Elise coming in through the front door.

“You stayed a bit late.” Ronald said to his daughter. “That makes me kind of upset.”

“Oh shut up Ronald, our daughter is very responsible.” Julie said. “Just ignore him, sweetie.”

“I just want to make sure you’re not getting into any funny business with that guy.”

Elise groaned. “I’m not, Dad. It’s not even dark yet.”

“Just making sure.”

Elise rolled her eyes and left the living room. Overprotective fathers were seriously the worst. Always up in your business and never giving you space. Would they ever learn to leave well enough alone?

There was some silver lining to this, though. If Sierra ended up embracing her female self, she’d have to deal with them too. Elise smiled devilishly at the thought.

***

Elise was sitting on her bed and about to go on her laptop when she looked up and saw Emma standing at her doorstep.

“What do you want?” Elise asked with an exasperated sigh. “Say it quick before I kick you out.”

“There’s something big going on between you and Devin.” Emma said. “I don’t know why Mom and Dad are blind and can’t see it. It’s so obvious.”

“That’s none of your business. Now get out.”

“What’s going on?”

“I said, get out.” Elise repeated more sternly.

Emma smirked as she walked away. “I knew I was right.”

Elise rubbed her face in exhaustion.

Another long day.

She had previously thought that the first week of summer vacation would be an easy going, stress free experience. How wrong she was.

She couldn’t even imagine how stressed Sierra was right now. What was up with her anyway? To be fair, Sierra had always been a little odd, even back when she still went by Devin, but now it seemed like that was all turned up to eleven.

Still, even with all the questions Elise had about her, there was one thing she was sure of. Sierra was happier as a girl, and everyone knew it.

Elise almost laughed. It was only a week ago when she had first met Sierra, and at the time the whole ordeal had greatly confused her. But now here she was, the one who was trying to convince Sierra to let go of being a male and embrace her female self. How did it happen so fast?

Throughout all the twists and turns of their relationship, one thing had remained certain. They both wanted each other to be happy. And by visiting her so often, Elise saw just how much happier Sierra was as a girl. Happier than she had ever been before. And she was resisting it for some reason. Elise wanted her to stop it. To break down all the barriers preventing her from loving herself. They both knew it would be hard, especially considering how the outside world might react, but in the end, it would be for the best.

Elise turned back to her laptop with a wistful feeling. She hoped Sierra was doing okay.

***

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the most predictable one of all?

Devin almost managed a grin at his thoughts.

It was always the same routine with him, every single day. Going in front of the mirror at night and contemplating his entire life. Worst of all was that he hated mirrors. So why did he look into them so often? What was his deal?

He didn’t even care to find the answer.

It seemed like the whole world was pushing him to embrace being a girl. Hell, even Elise practically begged him to give up his male half earlier that day. And even with the fact that Devin found it easier to become Sierra with Elise around, he couldn’t do it.

He knew he was much happier as Sierra, and he still couldn’t do it.

What was stopping him? He’d ask that question before, and he managed to find three answers for it: fear, shame, and self-hate. Mostly fear though. And what was he afraid of? The possible backlash, having to learn entirely new social dynamics, discomfort from entering a different lifestyle, and sometimes, if he was being honest, nothing. An abstract type of fear that he couldn’t quite define. Either way, one thing was clear: he was always his own worst enemy.

Devin looked down at his neck, to the silver necklace he was still wearing. Elise hadn’t mentioned it once after giving it to him, and even he himself kind of forgot about it. Maybe that was just what happened to girls when they wore makeup and jewelry. They eventually forget they’re wearing it until it’s brought to their attention.

Of course, that was just an assumption, Devin would have to-

No.

No, this wasn’t right. What the hell was he doing?

Devin was getting dangerously close to perceiving himself as a girl. And wearing this necklace was encouraging it. He had to take it off immediately.

Devin reached his right hand up and grabbed the heart shaped pendant, entirely intent on taking the silver necklace off.

He tried. He tried hard.

And then he opened up his hand and calmly examined the pendant in his palm.

He was being a bit over dramatic, wasn’t he? There he was again, immediately stopping himself from embracing being a girl. It was almost like he’d never stop, no matter what.

Violently ripping off the necklace seemed like such a waste. After all, Elise had given it to him for free. It’d be extremely rude to do something like that. Plus, it looked very… pretty. He’d have to keep it. Maybe he could even wear it again sometime.

Devin was silent as he safely put the silver necklace away in one of his drawers.

***

After putting the necklace away, Devin began watching some movies to calm himself down and take a break from his mental contemplations. And while he was able to calm down, his contemplations failed to rest.

This time though, he was mainly thinking about something else.

Did he want to go out to the mall the next day?

His gut reaction was “no”, but it probably wasn’t wise to trust your gut reaction one hundred percent of the time. So what would he say?

It was difficult to sort it all out. Part of him really wanted to go, but another part was too afraid to. Afraid of how others in public would see him, largely. To see him as a… girl.

Strangers he didn’t know, looking at him and seeing a girl.

That didn’t sound too bad, actually.

That cashier they met the last time they went to the mall had gendered him female before Elise corrected him. When that happened, he was able to feel a burst of excitement for a brief moment underneath all the fear and apprehension.

Maybe he could have a good time if he just focused on the excitement, rather than the fear, of people perceiving him as a girl. It wouldn’t be easy, but he was sure he could do it. It was worth a shot, at least. He’d always be afraid if he didn’t try.

But it wasn’t just that he was afraid of, though.

The last time they went to the mall, Devin had panicked and forced both him and Elise home early. And by some miracle, Elise wasn’t upset. He was still thankful she had been so nice about it.

It was worth mentioning that the reason he panicked in the first place was because he was scared of “Sierra” taking over and buying female clothes. Right now though, that didn’t seem nearly as scary of a prospect.

Going out and shopping for female clothes at a mall was such a TG cliché. But it was a good cliché, a cliché for a reason. It was a good and convenient way to have the main character learn more of the ins and outs of being female and have them connect with their female friends and relatives in a deeper way.

Elise nor himself probably had the money to construct an entirely new wardrobe in one day, but they could probably buy a few… bras, maybe some panties, and a few other small clothing items. And considering that Elise had given him the necklace, she’d definitely be more than willing to help him out.

If he really wanted to live those TG stories, then he shouldn’t give up this opportunity to do so.

By the time the movie was over, Devin had figured it out. He would go to the mall tomorrow. It’d be good for him to get out more. He needed the public exposure.

He may not be entirely comfortable with it, but all things considered, it just seemed like the correct decision.

And who knows, maybe it could even be… fun.

***

Just when Devin was about to go to bed, he realized he had forgotten something.

Voice training.

How did he forget about voice training? Did he even actually forget about it, or did he just want to? Whatever the case, voice training had slipped his mind until now.

The previous day, his voice training session had went rough. Panting like a dog for an hour wasn’t exactly an experience he’d like to repeat, but he promised himself he’d give it another try.

“Well, here it goes.” He thought to himself.

***

This time wasn’t much different.

Devin fell onto his bed with an exhausted groan. Would it ever get better? Sure, it’d be stupid to expect results on only the second day, but keeping this up was already looking like a losing battle.

“Patience.” He told himself. “Just try it for a few more days and see where that leads you.”

Devin turned his head as he pulled the covers over him. He never even mentioned the voice training to Elise. Or the fact that his male voice disgusted him so deeply. It was one of the biggest barriers to becoming Sierra completely. The mismatch between his body, soul, and voice.

It also added an extra layer of fear to going out in public. Someone with a more female face and body having such a deep, male voice would throw everyone off. Let them know he was nothing but a freak and a pervert. He was beginning to have second thoughts about going- no, he’d still go. He had to. He couldn’t let himself down.

Devin imagined a woman’s voice. The nice, high sound and the sweet rhythm it created.

He longed for the day when such a voice could escape his lips.

8 Months Earlier

This was it. Today was the day.

Devin could hardly contain his excitement as he ran to the mailbox to collect his well awaited prize.

It was right there waiting for him.

The hormones. Spironolactone and estradiol to be exact. He had been waiting for this day for a long time and it had finally come.

He stowed the pill bottles safely in his sweatshirt before walking inside. He hadn’t yet told his parents or anyone else about these hormones, and he planned to keep it that way.

***

A week had passed since Devin had started taking the hormones and he didn’t feel much different. He guessed he was a little better but that could easily just be placebo.

He’d have to take the hormones longer to get more results.

***

It had now been two weeks since Devin started taking the hormones. He noticed that spironolactone was making him pee a lot.

It was very annoying.

***

It had been a month now.

Devin went to the cabinet door and opened it to get a drink. In doing so, the door accidentally brushed his surprisingly sensitive left nipple.

“Ow.” He said softly before grabbing the source of his pain.

Devin blinked in confusion. That was new.

His nipples now had a hint of puffiness to them. He wasn’t sure how this was the first time he noticed.

He didn’t know how to feel about it.

***

Two months in and his nipples were even puffier. Furthermore, the skin behind them was beginning to swell.

Devin had heard that growing breasts was supposed to hurt, but all this growth and he still didn’t feel anything. What was going on? Not that he wanted it to hurt, but the fact that it didn’t made a part of himself feel that all these changes were in his head.

Either way, his chest was now large enough to the point where it showed in T-shirts. Devin now wore sweatshirts everywhere. Luckily, it was late fall, so no one really questioned him. His parents, his classmates, and his teachers didn’t suspect a thing.

He did have to improvise when wearing his work uniform though.

***

Three months had passed now and when looking in the mirror Devin could swear his face was different. Slightly less harsh, slightly less male. Devin didn’t know how to feel, but the part of himself he had recently begun calling Sierra welcomed the changes.

It also occurred to him that if he kept taking these hormones through adulthood, he wouldn’t go bald. A huge benefit that even Devin recognized.

***

Three and a half months at this point.

It was while holding the hand of his incredible girlfriend Elise in the school hallways that Devin noticed something.

He could swear his walk was different.

Just like with his face, he had no real way of knowing if anything had actually changed. It sure felt like it, though. It was as if his hips had a slight sway to them that wasn’t there before. And his butt felt a little bigger too.

Was all this stuff actually happening to him or was it all in his mind? He desperately wanted some answers and it was driving him insane. He wanted to ask Elise if she noticed anything different about him, but he knew that would tip her off, so he didn’t.

Besides, if she had actually noticed anything, she would have probably said something. And so far no one in the school had mentioned anything about him looking different, so his changes weren’t very noticeable yet.

Sierra was sad about that.

***

Devin received the package on a day when his parents weren’t home. He quickly took it inside and opened it in his room.

It was the safe he ordered. The one with an electronic lock.

He set the code as “266-4018” and stashed the pill bottles inside. This would be much more secure than hiding them in his drawers.

He placed the safe in a random empty box in his closet.

***

Four months. It was time to do it. He had the means and the money, and he’d been putting this off for too long.

He was going to buy his first bra.

Devin was shaking as he pulled into the mall parking lot. He was already beginning to have second thoughts the moment he departed his vehicle.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe he should just get back in the car and go home. It wasn’t like anything bad would happen if he didn’t buy the bras today. There was nothing currently at stake for him or anyone else.

Which is exactly why he went on and continued walking toward the mall.

If he was being realistic, there would never be any real stakes at any point. There would never technically be a time when he absolutely needed to buy a bra. If he wanted to, he could put this off until forever.

He had to do this today, or he never would.

So he took the first step, walking into the mall. Now it was time for the second, walking into the women’s clothing section.

Easier said than done.

Devin felt like a pervert just looking at that section. Actually walking into it seemed like too much for him to handle. Not even Sierra’s excitement within him was enough to propel him forward.

Devin looked around, to all the women shopping in that section. Even just seeing them invoked a strong sense of jealousy.

Devin had always been jealous of women. He never remembered a point in his life when he hadn’t been. But now it had been turned up to the extreme. Those women were able to walk into the women’s section and buy clothing there without having any second thoughts of if they actually belonged there. They were able to go in there without worrying about being seen as a pervert, a freak, or a faggot.

None of that would ever cross their mind, but for Devin, that could simply never be the case. No matter what he did, those internal thoughts of being wrong would never go away. He’d most likely be dealing with them his entire life.

And on that depressing note, Devin turned and walked away.

But then he stopped himself.

“No, go in there.” A part of his mind demanded. “You remember what you said to yourself when you walked out of the car. If you don’t do this today, you never will. So get into that section and buy that bra. Those women probably won’t care enough to give you anything more than a passing glance.”

Yeah, that made sense. People who went to malls… they were busy. They probably didn’t have the time to worry about every random shopper who does something a little out of the ordinary. There was no reason to be afraid. No big scene or anything like that would occur as long as he didn’t make one himself.

Plus, he needed to remind himself, he had to do this today, or he never would.

So Devin took a deep breath and walked into the women’s clothing section. There, now that he was here, it didn’t seem so bad. He didn’t even know what he was so worried about in the first place. Nothing bad had happened when he walked in. There he was again, making a big fuss out of nothing.

Now that he was here, it was finally time to find a bra to buy. Before he even went to this mall, Devin had opted to buy a sports bra. Mainly because he heard they could hide his breasts the best.

So he went into a section for sports bras and tried to find one which would work for him.

The problem: Devin didn’t exactly know how bra sizes worked. He knew it had something to do with two specific measurements but that was basically it.

Shit, he probably looked like a clueless lunatic to the women there. He probably should just- no, no! Those thoughts needed to get out of his head. He needed to concentrate. He needed to remember, he had to do this today, or he never would.

In a quick move, Devin took three sports bras and scurried away.

In his rush he couldn’t tell completely, but he probably did get a few funny looks. It was inevitable with being a man alone in the women’s section. But once he calmed himself down, he realized no one really gave him any big attention. Everyone was too wrapped up in their own lives to care that much.

That made him feel better. He was overreacting again. Everything would be fine.

At least he hoped.

***

Devin walked to a cash register with a bag in his hand.

“Would that be all?” The cashier asked.

“Yeah.”

The cashier proceeded to take the items out of the bag and Devin tensed up again. No, he could get through this. He just needed to remember, if they ask, they were for his girlfriend, not himself.

As the cashier pulled out the sports bras, Devin mustered a huge, nervous, and guilty smile.

To his surprise, the cashier believed his story without him even needing to tell it.

“Buying bras for your girlfriend?” They asked. “You’re so sweet and nice. Most guys wouldn’t do this.”

“Uh, yeah.”

Devin proceeded to pay for his items and he quickly left for his car with a bag of three sports bras in his hand.

***

Devin couldn’t believe it. He did it. He actually did it.

Devin walked toward his room the second he got home. His parents had asked him how his mall trip went, to which he replied with a quick and quiet “okay”. Thankfully they were satisfied with just that. They didn’t seem to feel like bugging him that much today.

Well, there was no use in putting this off. He had already gone through the trouble of buying a bra, might as well put it on. Again, he had to do this today, or he never would.

Devin got one of the sports bras out of the bag and went over to the bathroom. He shut and locked the door. He then stripped off all his clothes except for his underwear and picked up the bra with two of his hands.

This was it.

Devin gulped. Even though there was no one else here, he still felt extraordinarily nervous. What was he afraid of? It wasn’t like anyone was watching him. He was all alone.

And yet he was still afraid.

And excited. Sierra was very excited.

Devin shook his head and tried to rid himself of his nervousness. He was able to lower it down to a tolerable level.

After a few seconds of staring at himself in the mirror, Devin finally began putting the bra on. He had no idea how to put it on, so he just guessed what the right method was.

He simply put it on his chest and then attempted to clip the two clasps together in the back. It took a while, but eventually he was able to figure it out. The bra felt a little crooked, and a little too big, but overall it seemed to fit alright.

Devin looked up at himself in the mirror, to his reflection, and immediately jumped.

The bra was supposed to hide his breasts, but, if anything, when he looked at them like this, the bra only made them more prominent. He stared at himself for a while. At first he wasn’t really sure why he was so enamored with his own reflection. But soon, he found out. It was something that he had had for a while but for some reason it wasn’t until now when it fully clicked in his mind.

He had breasts. Real, actual breasts.

Devin cupped them in his hands and moved them around a bit. They were small, very small, but they were still… there. Breasts, on his chest. He couldn’t believe it. How had it only been now when he realized?

A lone tear made its way down Sierra’s face as she let go of her breasts. Her breasts. Ones that belonged to her.

For the longest time, breasts were a foreign concept. They were something Sierra wanted but could never have. She had always wondered how they would feel, how they would look, if they were on her. But that was always a fantasy.

Not anymore, though. Never anymore. She had breasts now, forever and for always.

Devin stared at himself in the mirror for a while longer before putting his clothes back on and silently leaving the room.

***

It had taken Devin a full month to figure out how he would clean his bras. He eventually decided on handwashing them in an empty room in his basement, and he was relieved at the final result of his first wash.

The bras no longer had the unbearable stench that they had been picking up for the last few weeks. No one else had mentioned anything about it, but he could still smell it, and it reeked.

He should probably try being a little cleaner.

***

“Hey.” Amanda said to Devin. “Your skin looks really nice. How do you do it?”

“What?”

“Your skin.” She reiterated. “Do you have a routine or something?”

“Uh… no, I don’t.” Devin said back.

“Oh…”

Devin turned away, confused. He eventually went into the guy’s bathroom and took a long look in the mirror.

Now that he was seeing it, his skin did look really nice. It felt nice too, not like the ugly, rough, coarse male skin he used to have. How had it been six months of taking hormones and he only noticed now?

He needed to keep better track of these changes.

***

Seven months. Looking at his body now, Devin realized how nice it was starting to look. It was so nice in fact that he decided to start shaving his body hair.

It took a week of shaving off a little more each day, but the end result was very nice. He was almost completely hairless below the neck, and it actually kind of looked like a girl’s body if his groin was covered.

Sierra smiled at that.

***

Eight months and nearing the end of the school year. Devin could scarcely believe he had been able to make it this far without blowing his cover. Not to say he hadn’t come close a few times, but still, overall he was impressed.

Wearing a sweatshirt in the summer heat sucked though, and he did get a lot of daily questions about that.

“Look dude, I know I’ve asked this like a million times, but seriously why are you wearing a sweatshirt? It’s boiling out there.”

“Because it makes me feel good.” Devin said to Ryan.

“You are very weird.”

“So are you.” Devin smiled.

“Wanna play Smash?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah.”

***

It was with unsure steps that Devin walked into the barber shop. His face was still hurting from the electrolysis session he just went to, and he really didn’t want to do the haircut today. But then he remembered his quote from the mall a few months ago: he had to do this today, or he never would.

“Hello… uh, sir?” The woman at the desk greeted him with uncertainty, not sure of his gender. It was a reaction Devin had grown used to.

Devin nodded his head without saying a word. School had just ended that day, and after a painfully boring awards ceremony the students were out early. When he got home, his parents were already packed to leave for their week-long vacation, and by noon they were gone. Now with his time alone, Devin had planned to get an electrolysis session, which was already done, and a haircut.

Devin’s hair had gotten kind of long, but it wasn't a long that could be considered feminine. No, it was a messy long, an unkempt long, a male long. And he needed it cut to a cleaner, more feminine short hair style. Sierra demanded it.

“So… what are you here for today?” The woman at the desk asked, shaking Devin out of his contemplations.

Not wanting to hear his male voice, Devin silently placed the money for a haircut on the desk and got out his phone showing the woman a picture of a pixie cut.

“Oh, really. Are you sure?”

Devin nodded.

“All right, we’ll be with you shortly.”

Devin sat on a chair in the waiting room.

***

Devin had his eyes closed as the barber was cutting his hair. He was deathly afraid they would give him a masculine haircut.

He knew the fear was probably a little silly, considering that he made it very clear what style he wanted his hair cut in, but he had heard enough haircutting horror stories to still have a lingering sense of fear.

Closing his eyes was also a risk, of course. If the barber was doing something wrong, he wouldn’t be able to say anything and possibly stop them.

He decided the risk was worth it.

***

“Okay, it’s all done.”

Devin slowly and hesitantly opened his eyes to see the final result in the long, wall length mirror. And when he did, he exhaled hard.

Most TG stories had a moment where the main character would see themselves as female for the first time. And whenever that happened, they would usually gasp in shock of their new form. They were often in complete awe of their new body and its beauty.

When Devin looked into that mirror and saw what looked like a teenage girl with a short pixie cut and no traces of facial hair, he felt like he was living that moment.

“Do you like it?” The barber asked.

Sierra silently shook her head, “yes”.

“That’s fantastic.” They smiled.

Sierra had to stop herself from crying. If she ever finished transitioning, it’d be moments like this that she’d remember, and cherish, for the rest of her life.

It was a pretty lucky night for Devin. He didn’t have any nightmares that night. There was no dream to taunt or tease him about wanting to be a girl. Nothing to bother him. He couldn’t possibly be happier.

Devin sat down on his living room couch as he contemplated what he was going to do that day. Today was going to be a pretty big day, by the looks of it. A mall trip and they were probably going to finish “For a Girl”. It had been a week of reading it, but it felt good to finally get it done.

Unfortunately, what they were going to read that day wasn’t exactly something Devin was looking forward to. He remembered the twelfth chapter of that story and the content it held.

There was a subplot in “For a Girl” regarding the character named Andy Marks. Throughout the story, Marks bullies and harasses Stephanie about her condition, and this escalates to a full on attempted rape and murder of her boyfriend in the twelfth chapter. Marks doesn’t succeed in any of it, and Stephanie refuses to report the actions done to the police (not like they’d do anything, realistically).

So what was Stephanie’s plan?

Well apparently it revolved around humiliating Marks in front of the entire school, revealing the attempted rape and also revealing her secret desire to be a girl. That’s right, the entire reason why Andy Marks bullied Stephanie and tried to rape her was because she was jealous and wanted to be a girl herself.

There was no other way around it, the only explicitly trans character in the story was an attempted rapist and murderer.

JK Rowling would probably love this part of the story.

Devin’s least favorite part of “For a Girl” was still the principal spanking scene, but this was easily a close second. Was he really the only one who had a problem with it? How could a trans wish fulfillment story do something like this?

Most TG stories where the main character isn’t trans simply don’t mention transgender people. In a way, it could be argued this is for the best because then the reader isn’t reminded that a person like them didn’t get to have a magical gender transformation while some random guy did. But, “For a Girl” goes against this, mentioning transgender people and incorporating them into the story in the worst way possible.

Even disregarding how offensive the twist was, it simply didn’t make much sense from a purely literary perspective. Stephanie simply looks at Marks’s facial expressions a few times and somehow learns her entire motivation for trying to rape her and then partakes in some unrealistic power fantasy to embarrass her in front of the school, complete with over the top gasps from the onlookers. It only works because of contrived writing.

“For a Girl” would've been so much better if the principal and Andy Marks were cut from the story entirely.

There were so many problems with the Andy Marks subplot. It was a mess all around.

Devin wondered how Elise would react to it.

***

It was only 10:00 in the morning when Elise pulled her car out of her driveway. She wanted to go a bit earlier this time because of their mall trip later that day.

It was Friday, which meant only three more days of going to Sierra’s house freely before her parents came home and put an end to it. It was already pretty unbelievable this was even allowed to happen in the first place.

Elise was loving her daily visits with Sierra. All of the things they had discovered together brought them closer. Their relationship had become much stronger as a result.

It wasn’t only that, but Sierra becoming a girl seemed to be making it easier for them to relate to one another. They understood each other in a way that they just didn’t when Sierra was still Devin. The connection they now had was thrilling.

Elise could only hope that eventually, Sierra would abandon Devin completely.

***

Devin found himself once again staring at his reflection through the mirror. He was so predictable and cliché, wasn’t he? He didn’t think he’d ever fix that problem.

“I wish I was a woman.”

What did he even mean by that? How could he know that he wanted to be a woman if he had no frame of reference for it? Did he even actually want to be a woman or did he just have a gender bending fetish?

Maybe that was all being a woman was to him. A fetish. He still masturbated to TG stories, after all, so he could only assume that was the case.

Masturbating to TG stories. Stories that the authors spent so much time pouring their hearts out on, and he was using them as nothing more than jack off material. What the hell was wrong with him?

It did make one thing clear though. He wasn’t a woman. He could never be a woman. He would always be a sick, sick man.

Devin let out a groan. Hearing that low male sound come out of him only made him feel worse. Why was he suddenly thinking like this? Why did his bouts of self hate have to come in at the absolute worst times? He was supposed to have a great, eventful day today and now he was feeling like shit.

Sometimes Devin felt like he was living Ranma 1/2. Elise was his cold water, and the rest of the world, including himself and his mind, was his hot water.

There was a lot on Devin’s mind that was distressing him. His mental state, his disgusting male voice, the incredibly problematic content in “For a Girl” they were about to read, and the mall trip they were going to take that day.

However, for a fleeting moment, all of that was forgotten about as Sierra looked out the bathroom window and saw Elise’s car pulling into her driveway. At that point, the only thing she could think about were the wondrous adventures they could both go on together.

“Wait, you wanna go… now?”

“Yep.” Elise smiled. “Thought it would be better to go to the mall first since it’s kind of a long drive.”

“I don’t know.” Sierra replied. “Forty minutes isn’t too long a drive.”

“Well, whatever. The point is, we’re going to the mall now so… are you ready?”

“I, uh… hang on, I need to go to the bathroom.”

Sierra ran over to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. Truthfully, she didn’t really need to go. She just needed a few minutes to… collect herself.

Sierra bent her head down to the floor. Well, on the bright side this time she wasn’t looking in the mirror. She was avoiding some clichés at least.

Sierra ran her hands through her hair. What was she doing? She couldn’t have been getting cold feet now. She had agreed to this. Elise had been happy that she agreed to this. And now she was in the bathroom, in fear? She needed to show some courage.

“Get back out there.” A part of her mind said.

Sierra opened the bathroom door and ran back to the living room, where Elise was sitting on the couch.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Sierra said. “Let’s go.”

***

Sierra actually felt a bit better once she was in the car. Sure, she was still nervous, but she could manage it.

However, there was one thing bothering her about this trip that she couldn’t quite get over.

“Umm… Elise?”

“What’s up?”

"There’s something I haven’t said to you yet. And I probably should.”

“What is it?”

“Well, it’s uh… my voice.”

“What about it?” Elise asked.

“I started voice training.”

“Is that when you train your voice to sound more feminine?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you feel about it?”

“Frustrated.” Sierra answered. “I know I’ve only done two sessions so far, but I feel like I’m not going anywhere. And my voice… I hate it so much. Going to this mall is so hard for me because of my god damn voice. I wish there was an easier way to do this.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Elise said. “But… aren’t there coaches for that kind of stuff? Like voice coaches?”

“Yes but… my parents. They are not going to let me do something like that.”

“You know, you keep assuming the worst will happen if you tell your parents.”

“What if I’m right?”

“You don’t know that.” Elise said. “Who knows? Maybe they’ll be supportive. Maybe your mom will even be happy she now has a daughter.”

“Yeah right.” Sierra scoffed. “They’ll be real happy when they learn I’ve been taking hormones behind their backs.”

“Just be a bit more optimistic.”

Sierra paused for a bit before sighing. “I’ll try.”

***

For how wonderful Sierra was, she couldn’t start a conversation for the life of her. Elise took the opportunity to start one with her when she hit a red light.

“So… does your voice really bother you that much?” She asked.

Sierra turned to face Elise. “Thanks for reminding me.” She said with a sigh.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“No, it’s okay. I probably should be talking about this kind of stuff.”

“That makes sense.” Elise said as the light turned green. “So… are you fine with telling me why you hate your voice so much?”

Sierra crossed her arms. “Yeah… it’s just that… it’s so low. So deep. It’s a man’s voice. And I hate it. I don’t want to sound like a man.”

“So you think you’d feel better if you sounded like a woman?”

“I know I would. I just… it worries me that this will be my voice forever. That the voice training will never work. I want to sound like a woman so bad. I wish estrogen changed your voice but it doesn’t. It’s so damn cruel.”

“If it makes you feel better.” Elise said. “I am confident that one day, you will have a woman’s voice.”

“Do I look like a woman?” Sierra asked with wide eyes.

“I know you’re gonna think I’m only saying this because I’m your girlfriend, but you definitely look more like a woman than a man.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, hopefully I don’t have to tell you that fifty more times.” Elise chuckled.

“Thanks… but there’s something about that that scares me.” Sierra responded. “If I look like a woman, people will see me as a woman, but then when I open my mouth and I sound like a man… they’ll know I’m tr- I mean, not a woman.”

Elise frowned at the forced word change.

“I don’t even know if I consider myself a woman.” Sierra looked down.

“Just take it one step at a time.” Elise told her. “I know it sounds cheesy, but I’ll be by your side.”

“Thanks.” Sierra said with a sad half smile.

***

There was a small stretch of highway that needed to be driven through before reaching the mall. Elise was still a rather inexperienced driver, so Sierra waited until she got off it before speaking to her again.

“You know… I never thanked you for giving me that necklace so… thank you.”

Elise smiled. “You're welcome. Did it feel good to wear it?”

“Yes.” Sierra said firmly. She was telling the truth too. It did feel good to wear it. It really did.

***

Sierra’s legs couldn’t stop shaking as Elise pulled into the mall parking lot.

“Well, we’re here… hey, is everything okay?”

“Yes… I mean, yes, I mean… no.”

“Nervous?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sierra asked sarcastically. “I thought I could do this but now that I’m here, I- I don’t know… I’m falling apart.”

Elise put her hand on Sierra’s shoulder. “Well, I’m not letting you force us back to your house right after we go in. One time I can handle. Two, not so much.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“I’m just teasing…” Elise giggled.

Sierra rolled her eyes through her fear. “But… seriously though, I am afraid. I don’t know if I can-”

“Yes, you can.” Elise interrupted. “Sierra, whatever you think you’re going to say, don’t say it. Don’t think it. You can do this.”

Sierra thought about Elise’s words. Could she really do this? Go into the mall? Go get something to eat? Maybe even… drop by the women’s clothing section and buy something there? It seemed impossible yet… here she was, about to go into the mall.

Yeah… she could do this, right? She was able to come here after all. A decision she had made willingly. And Elise was right here beside her, supporting her. With her by her side, could she really be afraid?

Maybe she could be a little nervous, but not enough to go back home. She was already here in the parking lot, and she didn’t want to make a scene.

Within her mind, she was reminded of a quote from herself, back when she went to this mall to buy her first bra: she had to do this today, or she never would.

“Sierra, are you okay?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, I’m… I’m alright.” Sierra answered.

“Are you ready to go in?”

To her own surprise, Sierra’s lips managed to form a smile. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

“How much money do you have?”

“Well… enough for some food and a few other things.” Elise answered. “That’s about it.”

“Okay.” Sierra got out her wallet. “I think I have about the same amount you do. Together we could probably buy three or four small clothing items, depending upon whether my guesses on prices are correct.”

Sierra put her wallet back in her pocket. Elise giggled at her action.

“What?”

“When the time comes, you’re gonna miss that little convenience.”

Sierra blushed then let out a forced cough. “Well, I think that about settles the money situation. Now, umm… are we going to get a-”

“Oh yes.” Elise interrupted. “We’re gonna get you a bra that fits. One that isn’t a sports bra. What are your measurements?”

“Uhh…” Sierra hesitated.

“Of course you don’t know. Oh, what am I going to do with you?” Elise shook her head. “Well, looks like there’s only one way to do this.”

Sierra’s eyes widened. “You don’t mean…”

Elise laughed knowingly. “Oh yes, I mean. You’re going to get professionally fitted!”

Sierra looked down, seemingly in shame. “You’re really not going to make this easy for me, are you?”

Elise sighed then put her hand on Sierra’s shoulder. “Hey, I’m sorry if I’m being a little bit pushy but I really think this is what’s best for you. Wearing a bra that fits won’t damage your skin.”

“Okay… I trust you.”

“You’ll get through this. I know you will. I’ve seen you take bigger steps every day. Like not wearing a sweatshirt anymore. You’re a strong person.”

Sierra smiled. “Thank you.”

***

Sierra and Elise both walked toward the mall, hand in hand. To all the onlookers, they probably looked like a lesbian couple, or at the very least a queer one.

Of course, that was assuming they actually had any onlookers, which they didn’t.

When Sierra looked around, she saw that no one else in the mall was really giving her or Elise much attention. She didn’t even see many passing glances. The people there simply didn’t care.

“No one’s looking at us.” Sierra said.

“Of course they aren’t.” Elise replied. “You were overreacting again.”

Sierra sighed. “Man, I really know how to stress myself out, don’t I?”

“Yep.” Elise nodded.

“How do I do it?”

“Well, by always assuming the worst, and obsessing over that worst case scenario.” Elise answered. “Sierra, you really need to learn that no matter how much you hate yourself, or how much time you spend online, not many people will really care if you want to be a woman. I know what you’re going through isn’t easy, but you make things so much worse for yourself.”

Sierra took a moment to digest what Elise just said. Thinking about it, she agreed with basically everything. She had a lot of bad mental health habits she needed to break.

And she just couldn’t break them.

Maybe therapy would be a good idea. It would probably be good for her to talk all these things out with a professional. At the very least, it couldn’t make anything worse.

***

The longer Sierra was in the mall, the more numb she felt to the things that were previously worrying her. She was still a little nervous, especially with the professional bra fitting she’d have to go through, but overall, she was in a much happier mood than before.

It was with a light grin that Sierra swallowed a bite of a pancake she ordered in the food court. “You know, shopping with a female friend is a pretty big TG cliché.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, it’s used in a ton of TG stories.” She said. “Though I guess I should’ve said female relative because it’s more common that way than with a friend.”

“Well I’m sorry I can’t give you the full experience.” Elise said mockingly.

Sierra laughed. “Maybe our TG story can be a little different.”

“Maybe this is the part of the TG story where the boy turned girl finally accepts herself as a girl.”

“Umm… I think it’s a bit too early for that. How about this? This is the part of the TG story where the amazing supportive girlfriend helps the newly created girl become acquainted with female clothing.”

Elise smiled at the word choice. “That works too.”

***

After the meal Sierra and Elise went to take a trip to the bathroom. Still holding hands, Sierra attempted to walk toward the men’s room, to which she was quickly pulled away.

Frightened, Sierra turned around to see Elise with a mischievous smile on her face.

No, she wouldn’t.

It was then that Sierra saw Elise walking both of them toward the women’s room without a hint of hesitation.

Yeah, she would.

During that short walk Sierra’s mind was going a million miles a minute. She could hardly even believe what was happening. She was about to go into the women’s bathroom for the very first time.

Was Elise out of her mind? Sierra didn’t belong there. She wasn’t a woman, even if she really wanted to be. She was a sick, perverted man who had no business in the women’s room. And if she spoke at all in that room, everyone would know it.

Sierra desperately wanted to do something, say something to avoid going into that bathroom, but it was as if her body was locked up. She was paralyzed in fear and shock, and could do nothing but watch as Elise dragged her inside.

Once she was in the bathroom, she saw that a few other (no not “other” a part of her mind said) women were in there. Great, now she was going to make a big scene in front of a bunch of random people.

No, she wasn’t going to make a scene. All she needed to do was calm down and get through this. Just go to the bathroom and it will be over. She hadn’t made a scene yet, and she wasn’t planning to either.

Aesthetically, the women’s bathroom looked mostly identical to the men’s bathroom, except for the fact that there were no urinals, and a baby changing station was present. Why did the women’s bathroom have a baby changing station while the men’s didn’t? Whatever, feminist analysis could come later. Right now Sierra just needed to focus. Go to the bathroom, wash her hands, and get out. She could do this.

There were six stalls, and three of them were unoccupied. Sierra saw Elise walk into one of the stalls and then took a deep breath before entering one of them herself.

This wasn’t so bad. Now that the initial shock was fading, there really wasn’t anything special about this. She was just going to a public bathroom. A completely normal, slightly uncomfortable experience that every person had to go through. Why was she even afraid in the first place?

Sitting down to pee wasn’t exactly weird for Sierra. She’d been doing that a lot, even if it wasn’t completely necessary for her. It just felt… right. Also, if she needed to poop, then she was already sitting down, so it was more convenient.

Sierra flushed the toilet, washed her hands, and then walked out of the bathroom. Elise quickly followed her. She didn’t even see another person in there.

She did it. She went to the women’s bathroom for the first time. It probably made sense for her to go in there, considering her appearance. Going into the men’s room with visible breasts would be weird.

“I am very proud of you.” Elise whispered.

Sierra blushed then managed a smile. Admittedly it was a bit silly. All she did was go to the bathroom. But it was so much more than that. She just made a huge step. Going into the women’s bathroom for the very first time. She overcame her fear and a huge challenge. And already a part of her mind was thinking that it wasn’t a big deal.

She had nearly panicked before going into the women’s bathroom, but after the experience, she was glad she went in. At that moment, she felt that if she could do that, she could do anything.

After using the women’s bathroom, entering the women’s clothing section felt like a leisure walk. Of course, it wasn’t like this was the first time that Sierra had been in the women’s section, but it was the fact that she hardly felt any stress at all that surprised her. It really seemed like she was just walking in the mall, shopping for female clothing, and spending time with her girlfriend. It didn’t feel like anything was at stake.

Perhaps this was a sign that she was finally starting to perceive herself as a woman. Maybe one day she’d even start seeing herself as a woman full time. It seemed like such an unreachable goal, but she’d already made so much progress.

Sierra was eternally thankful for her girlfriend. Elise had been so accepting and understanding through all of this. She didn’t even get mad at the TG stories. It was so much easier to take all these hard steps when she was by her side.

Sierra owed that girl her life. She’d never be able to repay her.

***

“Panties?” Sierra asked.

“Yep.” Elise nodded. “Just think it’d be best for you to get some female underwear right now.”

“I don’t know… this seems like a little much.”

“This whole trip was a little much.” Elise explained. “And yet, here you are.”

“Well yeah, but-”

“Sierra.” Elise interrupted. “Consider this. You just went to the women’s bathroom. And you’ve already agreed to get professionally fitted for a bra. Really, what more are a few pairs of panties?”

“I guess…”

“You don’t have to get them if you don’t want to but I really think it’s what's best for you.”

“I mean… why do you think it’s what’s best for me?”

“Because at some point you’re going to have to learn about women’s underwear, whether you want to or not. Not every woman wears panties but most of us are made to at some point in our lives.”

“Okay…” Sierra conceded.

Elise smiled then patted Sierra on the back.

Sierra took a deep breath. Panties? She could hardly believe it. For some reason, even though she already went into the women’s bathroom, this felt like a huge step. One that she wasn’t sure she was ready to take.

A lot of TG stories had a heavy fixation with panties. “For a Girl” and “Of Heroes And Villains” especially so. “For a Girl” often went out of its way to describe what panties meant in the context of being a woman as a whole. And a large portion of the first half of “Of Heroes And Villains” is dedicated to the shame Shade feels for wanting to wear panties and other female clothes.

Whatever the case may be, most TG stories seem to see panties as some sort of ultimate mark of femininity. Something very shameful for men to wear. And of course, it’s not like they got that impression from nowhere.

Panties, and by extension all forms of female underwear, are sexualized in a way that male underwear just isn’t. It’s really easy for the average person to see male underwear as normal, and maybe even boring, while seeing female underwear as more exotic and sexy.

For Sierra, this kind of messaging caused her to feel ashamed to desire wearing any female clothing at all. Every time she caught herself wondering what wearing panties would feel like, she thought of herself as a pervert and a fetishist. Even today she still felt a little gross just looking at panties.

She felt almost exactly like Shade had in the beginning of “Of Heroes And Villains”. Being afraid of the incredibly tempting soft fabrics of female underwear. Wanting to wear it instead of the plain male counterparts. And feeling like a disgusting creep for it.

She could remember all those nights she spent wondering what the hell was wrong with her. Wondering why she couldn’t just get rid of these feelings and be normal.

As much as she hated it, those feelings were a part of her. She couldn’t get rid of them.

At least in these past few days she had become better at dealing with them. The feelings of wanting to wear women’s underwear were not nearly as distressing as they once were.

After all, at the end of the day they were just panties. It was a bit silly that underwear of all things was causing her this much mental anguish.

***

“How many pairs of panties do you think we can afford?” Sierra asked.

“I’m gonna guess like three.” Elise answered. “Or maybe four.”

“We should probably play it safe. Stick with three.”

Elise’s face grew into a sly smile. “What, you can’t handle four?”

“Elise…” Sierra said with a disapproving tone.

“I was just kidding.” Elise said back. “Ever heard of humor? So uptight.”

“It’s not that, it’s just… ah, nevermind. Let’s just pick out these damn panties.”

Sierra began flipping through the panty rack in the clothing section, an action Elise soon followed. Truthfully Sierra wasn’t exactly looking for something to buy, she was just making it look like she was. She hoped she wasn’t being too obvious.

Sierra did, however, eventually come across one pair of panties that caught her eye. And it was only a few seconds after seeing them that some deep part of her mind forced her to smile.

“Hey Elise.”

“What?”

“Have you ever noticed that forcing the main character into pink panties is such an old and tired TG cliché?”

“What are you getting at-” Elise stopped talking when Sierra held out the pink panties in front of her.

After seeing them, Elise simply shook her head and laughed. “Wow Sierra, I thought I was the one pushing you. Now you want to wear those?”

“Well, I mean… I was just saying that… if we’re already at the mall, and buying panties, we might as well take part in another cliché.”

“Oh look, now you’re finding any excuse you can to wear pink panties. So adorable.” Elise cooed.

Sierra’s face went red. “Okay fine. I guess I just want one set of panties to be pink.” She admitted. “I don’t know why, I just do.”

“Hey, anything you want is completely okay with me.” Elise said. “You should never feel ashamed for wanting to wear something. Ever.”

Sierra sighed. “I wish my mind agreed.”

***

Sierra and Elise walked away from the panty rack with four pairs of panties in their bag, a fact Sierra smirked at. She guessed she could handle four, after all.

Sierra could hardly believe what was happening. Pink panties? She was about to buy pink panties willingly? No, that couldn’t be right. Pink wasn’t even her favorite color. And she struggled a ton with deciding to wear panties at all. Why was that such a hard decision but picking out pink panties wasn’t? What was going on inside her head?

It probably wasn’t worth wondering about. Sierra had long since figured out that the human brain is an inconsistent, contradictory mess, especially for her. It just wasn’t worth sorting through.

While there was still a part of her mind calling her a pervert and a fetishist, it was largely overshadowed by the rest of her mind treating this as nothing more than an ordinary event. There was nothing special about buying pink panties.

That train of thought calmed her. Sierra was just buying some clothes with her girlfriend. What was there of note in it? It was just another shopping trip. And she was having fun.

The other three pairs of panties were the more plain colors of grey, black, and white. It was just the pink panties that were more adventurous.

If Sierra really wanted to, she could have gotten even more adventurous and bought even more exotic panties. But not today though. She didn’t feel quite up to that, and especially with a limited budget to work with, it seemed like an impossibility.

Of course, it was worth noting that their mall trip was far from over, as they still needed to get some bras.

And Sierra needed to get professionally fitted for one too.

Oh dear.

***

The bra section was only a short walk away from the panty section. Sierra gulped as she walked towards it.

This was going to be the biggest step of the day.

The time for the professional fitting was coming closer and closer. And Sierra could do nothing to stop it. Why was she so afraid, anyway? She was able to purchase pink panties just fine. And now she was afraid again?

Maybe it was because Sierra would have to go topless in front of someone she didn’t know, showing off body parts that she wasn’t even comfortable with by herself.

Basically, she was about to strip half naked for a complete stranger. Any normal person would be afraid. Unfortunately, knowing that didn’t make Sierra any less afraid.

Elise, sensing Sierra’s body language, gave her hand a squeeze, and even kissed her cheek to comfort her.

It partially worked.

***

It took some time, but eventually Sierra and Elise were able to track down a professional fitter. After finding her, Elise explained that Sierra needed to get fitted for a bra.

“Is that okay?” The fitter asked Sierra.

A long pause followed. Sierra was almost paralyzed with fear. She knew that if she talked, the fitter would hear her deep, male voice and then immediately know she wasn’t a “real woman”.

At the same time however, Sierra had to respond. She absolutely couldn’t waste anyone’s time, or embarrass Elise. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she did that.

“Yeah, that’s okay.” Sierra said.

Though she tried to hide it, the fitter’s eyes widened once she heard Sierra’s voice. She didn’t say anything, but Sierra could tell she now knew what was going on.

“Alright then, come with me.”

***

The fitter led Sierra into a private room with a mirror for just the two of them.

“Okay, I’m going to need you to take off your shirt.” The fitter said.

Sierra hesitated for a moment, but slowly she took off her shirt and placed it on the ground, revealing her sports bra.

The fitter got out a measuring tape and when Sierra felt it touch her skin she closed her eyes.

“I’m so sorry.” Sierra said.

“For what? Closing your eyes?” The fitter asked. “You’re not near the first person to do that.”

“Oh…” Sierra said as she felt the fitter wrap the measuring tape all around her chest.

Needless to say, Sierra was very uncomfortable during the entire experience. There was a complete stranger in the room, looking at and measuring her breasts. It was embarrassing. And soon that person would see her breasts without the bra on. There was no way she could- no, now was not the time for those kinds of thoughts. She could do this. “Courage.” Sierra thought to herself.

“Okay, I’m gonna need you to take your bra off.”

With her eyes still closed, Sierra took a deep breath. This was it. The moment she had been dreading had finally come. But she had to get through this. After getting this far, she couldn’t let anyone down.

Very slowly, Sierra felt around her bra with both of her hands and fiddled with the clasps until it unhooked and fell onto the floor. At least, it was going to fall on the floor.

“Sorry.” The fitter said as she caught Sierra’s bra midfall. “Wouldn’t want this to get dirty, right?”

“Mmm.”

The fitter then proceeded to wrap the measuring tape all around Sierra’s breasts. It felt weird and uncomfortable but Sierra tried to keep her mind off it and instead focus it on more pleasant things. Like making out with Elise. That thought always made her happy.

“34A.” The fitter said after a while.

“What?”

“34A, it’s your bra size.”

“Is that big?”

“Not really.” The fitter answered. “For you it should be a normal size.”

“Oh…” Sierra finally opened her eyes, then looked down and remembered she was topless. “Umm… can I put my bra back on?” She asked.

“Of course.” The fitter handed her bra back, to which Sierra quickly put it on.

“Okay then… uh, thank you.” Sierra said.

“Oh, you’re welcome.” The fitter said. “But we’re not done yet.”

“We’re not?”

“Not if you want some fitting bras.”

“Umm… okay.”

“Hey, if you could get through that, then you can get through this. We’re just going to be trying on some bras to see which ones fit.”

“Uh… yeah.” Sierra said. “I can do that.”

The fitter smiled. “I know you can. I mean, the fitting wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Sierra looked back at her reflection and to her surprise managed a smile. “No, I guess it wasn’t.”

It was a long process of trying on bra after bra, finding the ones that fit and the ones that didn’t. To her surprise, Sierra wasn’t really bothered by being topless in front of the fitter anymore. She didn’t even close her eyes. The fitter had proven that she was a trustworthy person, and that she was only trying to help. There was no reason to be embarrassed or afraid around her.

Throughout the whole process, Sierra could tell the fitter knew she was trans. She never said anything about it, but she did treat Sierra as if wearing bras and having breasts were new things for her, when, for the average seventeen year old girl, they obviously shouldn’t be.

And even more obviously, it wasn’t as if the fitter was wrong.

At least she wasn’t condescending about it.

***

Sierra rubbed the back of her neck. “You know, I think I’m gonna go now.”

“Really?” The fitter asked. “I mean, I guess we did get a lot done. But are you sure that’s enough bras?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m working on a limited budget here.”

“Fair.”

“Yeah, I also don’t have that much time right now.”

“People are always in such a rush these days.” The fitter said.

Sierra gave out a light chuckle. “Uh, yeah… goodbye, then.” She was about to turn around and leave before the fitter spoke again.

“Hey.” She said. “You’re not alone, you know. Most women are afraid to get bra fittings. Heck, I’m afraid to get them sometimes. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it. You did very well.”

Sierra wasn’t sure how to respond to that statement. She suspected that this was the fitter’s way of saying she knew Sierra was trans without actually saying it. Or her way of giving her encouragement. Or both. Whatever it was, it was moderately helpful. Sierra already kind of guessed most women were afraid to get bra fittings, but it was still reassuring to actually hear it.

“Thank you.” Sierra said eventually. “For everything.”

“No problem.”

***

Elise was sitting on a bench as Sierra came walking toward her with a bag in her hand.

“I’m back.”

Elise looked up from her phone. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

“Yep, I got three bras.” Sierra opened the bag and showed it to Elise.

“Only black and white? What happened to being adventurous?” Elise asked sarcastically.

“Okay, you try saying you want a hot pink bra while you’re half naked in front of a stranger.”

“Now I’ve never done anything like that." Elise replied. "But if I wanted to I could.”

“I’d like to see it.” Sierra responded. “I want video proof too.”

"Pfft, like I need that." Elise remarked. "Everyone knows I'm the bold one in this relationship."

"You're the bold one?" Sierra questioned. "Did you ask me out or did I ask you out?"

"Well, of course you asked me out. You were a guy."

Immediately after saying that Elise shut her mouth and became worried, scared she said something wrong that would offend Sierra.

Sierra stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, then took a deep breath and finally started talking.

"I was a guy?" Sierra asked. "Not one of my better moments."

Elise giggled as the tension inside her was released.

***

Sierra and Elise went to pay for all the new clothes, which amounted to four sets of panties and three bras. Fortunately for them, their total price did not go over the amount of money they both had, and they were able to pay it off, no problem.

“How am I gonna wash all this?” Sierra asked as she walked away from the register.

“Like you did the sports bras. They weren’t a problem to wash.”

“Yeah but now we’re adding a lot more stuff.” Sierra pointed out. “It’s much easier to wash three things than seven.”

“Just think of it as another challenge to overcome.” Elise said. “You’ll figure it out.”

“I hope so.” Sierra said back.

***

The sun was shining harshly down onto the pavement outside the mall. The heat was almost unbearable. It was the kind of heat that made one sweat simply by walking.

Luckily, there was an unoccupied bench lying in the shade that could mask the rays of heat fairly well. Sierra let out a breath as soon as she sat on it.

“God, why do people even like the summer?” She asked.

“Obviously because school’s out.” Elise answered.

“Yeah but that’s kids. What about adults?”

“Well… maybe they’re just too used to thinking of summer as being ‘that time when school’s out’ and are still programmed to like it.”

“You really think that?” Sierra asked.

“I don’t know.” Elise replied. “I guess we’ll find out next year, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess we will.” Sierra said. “Can you believe we only have one more year of high school left? The beginning of freshman year felt like yesterday. How did it happen so fast?”

“I wish I knew. I don’t even know if I’m ready to graduate yet. To leave all my friends behind… it feels like too much.”

Sierra leaned in and put a hand on Elise’s shoulder. “You know, my father told me something about that that really helped me. He said that we’re all going to start our new lives, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to leave our close friends behind. We can still keep in touch, and these days with technology, it’s easier than ever. And hey, you don’t have to be ready to graduate right now. We still have another year left.”

It was after a few seconds of silence that Elise sighed. “Thanks… that, that was really helpful.”

“You’re welcome.” Sierra said. “And who knows? Maybe next year you’ll be begging to graduate.”

Elise laughed. “We’ll see about that.”

***

And so began the drive home.

As Sierra watched the roads and trees go by outside the car window, she had a smile on her face and a gleam in her eyes.

It was a good trip.

All that she did that day, she still had a hard time believing it. She went outside in public without a sweatshirt. She used the women’s bathroom. She bought panties and bras, with one of those sets of panties being pink no less. And most of all, she got professionally fitted for a bra.

From a logical perspective, all her accomplishments were rather mundane and insignificant. Not anything worth caring or celebrating about. But that wasn’t what they felt like.

When Sierra did those things, she felt like she was on top of the world. Like she could do anything and everything that life threw at her. It was thrilling. The kind of thrilling that made her hungry for more.

"If you don't do this today, you never will."

Sierra had been using that slogan ever since she first bought the sports bras a few months back. To say the slogan was helpful would be an understatement. Any time Sierra was too afraid, too nervous, or too lazy to do something, she'd simply think of that slogan. And then she’d find the motivation or courage to do it.

She didn't use it for everything, but she could always count on it when she needed. She could be sure it was always there to help her.

Now, Sierra had a new slogan. Given to her by Elise, it was a slogan that had also helped her many times in the past. And she intended to stand by it for as long as she could.

“Just take it one step at a time.”

Home, sweet home.

After spending hours in a loud and crowded shopping mall, it was nice to finally be somewhere more private and quiet. With the thrill of her few accomplishments mostly gone, Sierra was able to relish in the calmness.

Once Sierra came in through the front door, she collapsed onto her living room couch almost immediately, just like she did every day after work. Elise, not wanting to pester her in any way, simply let her lay there as she left for the bathroom.

And lay there Sierra did, until, eventually, she had to get up to put her clothes away.

***

Sierra shut the door of her safe with a look of uncertainty. The good news? All the clothes managed to fit inside the small space. The bad news? She wasn’t sure if she was doing the right thing.

“You can’t keep this going forever.”

Those words, Elise’s words, were repeated in Sierra’s mind like a broken record. And as much as she hated to admit it, Elise was right. She couldn’t hide this forever. At some point, sooner or later, she would have to come out.

It was just a matter of when that would happen.

Sierra sighed. She was only three days away from her parents coming home. When she came out, they would be the first people to know. How would they react? She’d ask that question so many times and yet could never find a definitive answer to it. Would they be happy? Mad? Confused? Skeptical even? It was hard to tell.

There was a part of Sierra, though, that always feared the worst. What if her parents didn’t believe her? Or thought she was insane? What if they got angry about her taking female hormones behind their backs?

If they got angry about that… then what would they do? Force Sierra to get rid of the hormones? Force her to quit her job? Commit her to a mental hospital, even?

In all fairness, that last one was definitely a stretch, but it still remained that Sierra wasn’t prepared to face any of her parents’ possible reactions.

But someday, she’d have to be. And that day was coming closer and closer.

And what of her classmates at school? How would they react? Probably pretty badly, Sierra had figured that one out a long time ago. But exactly how badly? Would she just be avoided and looked upon as “weird”, or would she have to face daily, non-stop bullying and harassment?

Whatever it was, she was deathly afraid to find out. And it was very tempting for her to make it so that she never had to.

She could return to hiding her body in sweatshirts. She could even buy a binder and wear it during gym class so her breasts wouldn’t be visible. She could continue to use all the male facilities. So many steps could be taken to ensure no one would find out who she was.

But is that what she wanted?

Sierra had a once in a lifetime opportunity here. One that she didn’t want to waste.

The ability to live as a girl in high school.

Even if it was only for one year, this was a chance she'd never have again. She couldn’t just let it pass her by.

Living as a girl in high school. What would that be like? Sierra was begging to find out, but she also knew not to get her hopes too high up. She wasn’t gullible enough to believe that depictions of high school female life in movies or TV shows were realistic. Obviously the media does a lot of exaggerating for effect. And that applies to TG stories taking place in high school as well, “For a Girl” definitely included. But even the thought of living a normal, non-romanticized female life in high school was simply too exhilarating for her to bear.

Sierra soon became entranced by her own thoughts and smiled in pure bliss. She imagined herself wearing a prom dress, dancing with Elise and holding her close. She was always jealous of girls at prom and homecoming, seeing them wear those beautiful and extravagant dresses. Now, Sierra had the chance to make that her reality.

What color would her dress be? Blue, to match her eyes? Or a brownish yellow, to match her hair? She was having so much fun just imagining all the possibilities in her head. Finding the right dress to bring out her full beauty. Sierra had always wondered if girls truly liked being beautiful, and wearing dresses for special events, but for a brief moment she didn’t care. If she wanted it, then it was okay.

Sierra’s trance was broken shortly after starting. That same part of her was coming out again, yelling at her for being a pervert. And maybe she was a pervert, fantasizing about something she could never have. Something that, for all she knew, girls could hate.

Sierra walked out of her room without making a sound. She had a lot on her mind. Hopefully one day, she’d have it all figured out.

***

“There you are!” Elise declared as she saw Sierra descend the staircase. “You were up there forever. How long does it take to put a few clothes away?”

Apparently her mental contemplations lasted longer than she initially thought. “Uh, sorry.” Sierra said. “I didn’t mean to be up there that long.”

“I’ll say.”

Sierra gave an awkward chuckle. “Uhh… what time is it?” She asked.

Elise checked her phone. “3:28.”

“Wow, that late?”

“Yeah.” Elise answered. “We did a lot today.”

“I guess you’re right.” Sierra said. “So, uh, do you have to leave soon?”

“I don’t know. I think today I could probably push my luck.”

Sierra nodded. “Okay.”

“So… what do you want to do now?” Elise asked.

“Uh… oh! I almost forgot!” Sierra exclaimed. “We only have three more chapters left of ‘For a Girl’, I think we could finish it today!”

“Three?” Elise asked. “No, I don’t think I could do that.”

“Well… one of them is an epilogue that’s only like a thousand words.” Sierra explained. “Does that work for you?”

Elise paused for a brief moment. “Hmm… okay, I can do that.”

“Great!” Sierra got her phone out. “Before we start, though, I just want you to know. This next chapter does have a scene with attempted rape, are you still okay with reading it?”

“Oh please, I can take anything.”

The twelfth chapter of “For a Girl” started off with a bang. Really. O2bxx wasn’t fucking around here.

Immediately in the first paragraph, Stephanie gets grabbed, punched, and then forced into a room where her hands get tied to a pipe. It all happens just as quickly for Stephanie in universe as it does for the reader out of universe.

And then, of course, in the midst of her torment, Stephanie raises her head to see her captor, Andy Marks.

Andy Marks, who started off the story as the classic bully character, has now gone completely mad and attempts to rape Stephanie. She even pulls a knife on her and threatens to kill her if she doesn’t cooperate. It was all around a pretty dark and intense scene, with the only relief being a kind of meta joke.

After screaming for help, Stephanie sadly remarks that no one will come because, unlike in Hollywood, there was no director to cue the hero. And then Hal immediately shows up, because there was an author to cue the hero. It probably wasn’t even written as a joke but Sierra still found it a little amusing.

The scene ends with one of the side characters, Mark Williams (who’s nicknamed “BMW”), successfully subduing Marks after Hal’s failure. Stephanie then refuses to report Marks to any authority, stating that she wanted her to get her comeuppance “on her own terms”.

And then the confrontation scene happens…

***

“Wait, that’s where this was all leading up to?” Elise asked.

“Yep.” Sierra answered.

“So that whole scene… the one where he tried to rape her… it was just building up to a twist where Andy Marks is… trans?”

“I wouldn’t put it that way.” Sierra responded. “But yes, the big twist with Andy Marks is that she is jealous of Stephanie and wants to be a girl herself.”

“That feels so forced.”

Sierra sighed. “It is, but this story was written almost twenty years ago. What can we do about it now?”

“Make fun of it.”

“Yeah, basically.”

***

Sierra’s problems with the Andy Marks subplot had long since been set in stone. From the very first time she read the story, she had known why she disliked it so much. And it all could be summed up with three specific problems.

First, it means that the only trans character is a rapist, which is obviously all kinds of problematic. And it actually gets even worse than that, because, by the story’s own explicit words, Andy Marks isn’t just a rapist who happens to want to be a girl, she is a rapist because she wants to be a girl. Her desire to be female is inextricably connected to her being a rapist. One could argue that the story was written in a different time, but how far does that excuse this really awful depiction of trans people?

Second, it isn’t developed believably. All Stephanie does is look at Marks’s facial expressions and somehow she is able to discern her entire motivation for every action she takes. It’s extremely contrived and hinges on Stephanie being a mind reader.

And third, the entire twist is revealed through a painfully unrealistic power fantasy. Stephanie simply shames and humiliates Marks in front of the entire school, and then she runs out into the hallway, balling her eyes out without a shred of dignity. The reality is that most rapists can not be shamed into submission. Even when one exposes their crimes they can still deny their guilt, or many times even gaslight the victim into thinking they’re delusional. The whole confrontation scene was just another contrived event that could only happen in fiction.

After the confrontation scene there’s one last paragraph where Stephanie hopes Andy Marks can create a new, better life for herself after high school. That she’ll get the help she needs and become a better person. After that, Andy Marks departs the story for good. And since she isn’t mentioned again in the epilogue, it’s as if she was never even there in the first place.

Perhaps that’s for the best. The story is almost over at this point and the reader shouldn’t be focused on what is such a messy subplot. Maybe if the story was written today, Andy Marks’s character would’ve been handled more tactfully, but as it stands, it’s a relic of an age when the only depictions of transgender people were that of psychotic criminals.

***

“This whole subplot, from the first time I read it, never sat right with me.” Sierra said. “Just like the principal spanking scene, it felt really wrong and out of place.”

Elise looked over to Sierra. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“It hurt you, didn’t it?”

At first Sierra was confused. What was Elise trying to get at? Obviously this story hadn’t hurt her. She’d be an idiot to let a work of fiction affect her in such a negative way.

“What do you mean?”

“Andy Marks wants to be a girl, and is a rapist because of it.” Elise explained. “That made you feel bad about yourself, didn’t it?”

Sierra thought about it. Had she really felt that deeply about this subplot? That was ridiculous! It was just a fictional story.

So why did she have such a hard time denying Elise’s statement?

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Sierra said firmly.

Elise sighed. “Okay.”

***

After the Andy Marks subplot was finished, the next major part of the chapter was spent on Stephanie and Hal having oral sex for the first time. Specifically, Stephanie giving Hal a blowjob.

In a way, it could be argued that this was one of the most important scenes in the story. It marked the moment when Stephanie was finally willing to have sex with a man. The story had been building up to this for a while, and now it was finally here.

There was even a part where Stephanie was confronted with the old male voice of Jack, still inside her, demanding that she stop. And in spite of this, Stephanie manages to push through and give Hal that blowjob.

Even when the thoughts in her head try to bring her down, Stephanie still manages to be and accept who she is.

Perhaps Sierra could learn a thing or two from Stephanie.

***

“I can’t help but point out that this chapter was the first time that we, the readers, were ever told that GB victims could only get pregnant one year after their transformation.” Sierra said.

“You know, for someone who hates CinemaSins, you sure do criticize stuff like them.” Elise replied.

“I’m just pointing it out.” Sierra said in her defense. “I’m not here making shitty videos about it, pretending I’m better in some way. And I mean, this is worth at least pointing out right? I have a feeling this plot point was put in so Stephanie and Hal have an excuse to have sex without a condom.”

Elise laughed. “My god, CinemaSins gets you so fired up. Why do you hate them so much anyway? They just make silly joke videos.”

“Because they’re not funny at all, and their style of criticism has influenced how people critique media.” Sierra said. “In a very, very bad way.”

“Maybe online, but offline people seem to be doing fine.” Elise said. “Maybe if you didn’t spend ten hours on the internet every day you’d stop taking a youtube channel so damn seriously.”

Sierra scoffed. “Whatever.”

“There’s something I’ve been wondering about, with these stories.” Sierra said. “Something I’ve been wondering for a while.”

Elise looked up from the phone. “What is it?”

“Well… it’s a question. One that’s a bit hard to answer.” Sierra replied. “It’s just, is Stephanie a trans character? Beyond that, are the main characters of TG stories trans characters?”

Elise pursed her lips. “It’s a good question… I guess it depends on your perspective.”

“Yeah. I mean, functionally they are trans, right? They were born male and then become female. In real life, that’s the very basic experience of a transgender woman. So, that would make them trans.” Sierra explained. “You know, I remember reading someone online say that these old TG stories were sort of a way to write a trans character without actually saying that’s what you’re doing.”

Elise nodded. “True, but I think the author’s perspective is important too. I mean, it’s pretty clear that in this story, the author doesn’t consider Stephanie a trans character. Hell, I don’t even know if they consider Andy Marks a trans character.”

“Leaves a lot open to interpretation.”

“Yeah, and don’t you think clear representation is important?” Elise asked. “If all trans characters were just random guys turning into girls, wouldn’t that feel cheap?”

“It’s at least better than portraying trans people as serial killers.” Sierra said sadly. “I don’t know, it probably would feel cheap. I can’t say exactly, because I wasn’t around when all these old gender bending comics and Fictionmania stories were first coming out.”

Sierra sighed. “Maybe someone from that time would have a better answer.”

***

Elise failed to keep in a laugh as Sierra groaned.

“He gave me a playful pat on the butt?” Elise asked.

“I swear this story is so fucking strange sometimes.” Sierra said. “Literally a middle aged man touching a teenage girl’s butt and it gets laughed off. That’s not funny, it’s fucking gross.”

***

The thirteenth chapter was the end of many things in “For a Girl”. The end of the main plot, the end of the character arcs, the end of the characters’ high school days, but first, it was the end of the race scenes.

This was another plotline that the entire story had been building up to. Stephanie racing and finally showing what she is capable of in the nationals. Surpassing all of the obstacles that held her back before, including GB and Melody McCarthy, the girl whose school prevented her from racing with girls in the first place.

Just like in the first race at the beginning of the story, Stephanie runs for a time rather than a victory. As a guy, she aimed to break the 4 minute barrier. As a girl, she aimed to break Mary Decker’s time of 4:42, which in 2003, was the fastest mile time ever recorded for a high school girl.

And just like in the first race, Stephanie both wins and achieves her goal.

When Stephanie first got GB, she thought her life was over. Her running career would forever be tainted as being that of a woman’s. And in her mind, that made it lesser. She would never be able to achieve the times she used to, and for that reason she decides to give up. Racing as a girl would never carry the same meaning and sense of accomplishment that racing as a guy would.

But throughout the story, she was proven wrong. When she races as a girl, she still feels that same rush that comes with ambition, effort, and success. By pushing through, she learns that becoming a girl will never stop her from doing what she loves.

It was such a beautiful and satisfying thing to read.

Sierra could not possibly overstate how badly she wanted to be Stephanie when reading this story. To be a male who got the chance to transform into a female. To be such a beautiful and attractive young woman with an amazing talent. To be one of the best and most successful athletes in history. It would be a dream come true.

Really, who wouldn’t want to be Stephanie? She had such an amazing life, with seemingly everything figured out, and a bunch of friends who supported her. “For a Girl” made being a woman seem like the greatest thing on Earth. Why couldn’t real life be more like that?

Even though she’d never know the answer, Sierra did sometimes wonder if the author wanted to be Stephanie too.

***

When Sierra went to her junior prom a few weeks earlier, she wore one of her fanciest and nicest looking suits. At the time, the hormones had changed her body quite considerably, but fortunately her outfit was able to hide everything well.

She remembered that busy and eventful day fondly. She had gone to Elise’s house in the afternoon and got an instant smile plastered on her face once she saw her. Elise had the most beautiful dress on alongside a perfect combination of makeup and hair styling. Sierra was so enraptured by her appearance that Elise had to snap her fingers in front of her to get her back to reality.

Sierra then drove them both down to Amanda’s house to pick her up. Once they got there, they went to the front door and were greeted by Amanda, and her large golden retriever.

Sierra had not known that Amanda had a dog, and as such she panicked and immediately ran back to the car. Sierra’s friend group knew about her fear of dogs, and for the most part it was treated as a joke. Elise and Amanda did hold back the dog from chasing after her, but that didn’t stop them from laughing once they got to the car, much to Sierra’s annoyance and embarrassment.

At first Amanda wasn’t able to get a prom date, but eventually she agreed to go with one of the football guys named Xavier. Once they picked him up, they did a photoshoot, went to eat at some mildly fancy restaurant, and then headed off.

The night was incredible. Sierra had recently made a vow to allow herself more physical contact, and she was glad she did. She had forgotten how good it could feel to have Elise’s arms wrapped around her. To have her head rested on her shoulder.

To have her lips locked onto hers.

There was a moment, during a slow song, when Sierra and Elise embraced each other in a long, deep kiss that seemed like it lasted forever. It was as if Sierra was transported to another world, where the only things that mattered were her, Elise, and that kiss. It was a memory that made Sierra smile every time she thought of it.

But throughout the whole night, something still felt wrong.

Just like at homecoming, Sierra was extremely jealous of all the girls at the dance. To see them in those dresses of theirs invoked a strong sense of longing. Deep inside, she wanted to wear those dresses, and while she could fight those feelings enough to still have a good time, she could never banish them away fully.

Was this all why she was connecting so deeply with the prom scenes in “For a Girl”? Was it out of a longing and a wonder of what it could really be like?

When Stephanie is getting ready for her night at prom, it's treated as a special and almost magical experience. One that brings tears to her eyes. Stephanie even bonds with her mother during it, each sharing delight in the process.

Is that how going to prom as a girl would feel? Magical? An exaggeration, probably, but “For a Girl” certainly portrayed it as such. Stephanie attends to dance after dance, with each one having an almost grandiose atmosphere, as if Stephanie is experiencing the opportunity of a lifetime.

And that wasn’t even to mention the final dance in the story, where, in a very sweet moment, Stephanie takes Arleen, the lesbian character, and dances with her during a slow song. In the end, she kisses Arleen deeply on the lips, giving her a memory she deserves to have.

Really, the only missed opportunity here was that Stephanie never has a final dance with Sue. That could’ve been a really nice and sweet moment but sadly it never happens.

Could dancing with a girl, as a girl, feel as good as it did for Stephanie in this story? Could it be the opportunity of a lifetime? Could it feel magical? Sierra wondered.

There was another part to these scenes that got Sierra wondering as well. During the night, Stephanie has a heartfelt conversation with her former girlfriend Sue, where they both express a slight sense of longing for their old relationship. They then embrace in a bittersweet hug.

But beyond that, this was the moment when Stephanie realized this would be the last time that their graduating class would all be together. After that night they would each depart and go on to live their own lives. It was, again, bittersweet, because while they would all go on to start a new chapter in their lives, they would be leaving everything in this chapter behind, and possibly never see each other again. While Stephanie is a bit saddened by this, she still sees it as a necessary part of growing up.

It got Sierra wondering, how would it feel the next year, when her class graduates? Would it be bittersweet like it was in “For a Girl”? Or would it be more exciting, as it would represent the true start of her adult life?

What if it didn’t invoke any feeling? Would that be bad? Sierra wasn’t sure.

And what of her fellow classmates? Would she ever see them again? Would she ever want to see them again? Surely, her close friends she would keep in contact with, but everyone else? There didn’t seem to be any way to know what the future held in that area.

Of course, in the 2020s keeping in contact with people was easier than ever. With the expansion of the internet, social media, and cell phones becoming widespread, the feeling of leaving your graduating class forever was not as strong as it was when “For a Girl” was written.

But it wasn’t as if that feeling was completely gone.

Sierra had a lot of questions about graduation, and it seemed she wouldn’t have the answers until next year.

***

After a week of reading “For a Girl” throughout multiple different sessions, Sierra and Elise were finally here. The climax of the story.

The sex scene.

Stephanie and Hal’s acts of intimacy had been slowly escalating over the course of the story, going from hugging to kissing to making out and then to oral sex. And now, the obvious final step was traditional PiV sex.

A lot of TG stories seemed to view PiV sex as a way to show that the MC has fully accepted themselves as a woman. It is the point where they overcome their male pride, and are able to be at peace with their new body.

And really, this last sex scene was very important to Stephanie’s overall character arc. By allowing Hal to make love to her, she fully comes to peace with her status as a woman, and completes her mental transition from male to female.

That wasn’t the only context to these scenes, however, as in the story, it’s stated that in the small town of Milford, having sex with a guy is sort of seen as a rite of passage for a girl. When a girl allows a guy to enter her body, she becomes a woman.

So, in a sense, there were two different character transitions happening at the same time. Stephanie was going from male to female, as well as going from a girl to a woman.

And she finishes both of those transitions in strides, losing her virginity in the most heavenly of ways. Paragraph after paragraph of buildup leads to her exploding into the most mind-shatteringly fantastic orgasm of her life.

Stephanie and Hal both collapse onto the bed after their lovemaking, continuing to caress and embrace each other until their bodies inevitably start reacting again, hungry for more.

The last two lines of the chapter represented the end of Stephanie’s character arc. It had taken a long journey to get there, but eventually she could come to proudly declare that she was a woman and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sierra could just imagine the day when she’d be able to say that.

That would be a great day.

At just over a thousand words, there wasn’t really all that much to the epilogue. In fact, if they wanted to, the reader could just stop at Chapter 13 and they wouldn’t miss much. Like most epilogues, it served mainly to round out the story rather than continue it.

The epilogue itself started with a flash forward to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China. As she prepares for the widely anticipated women’s 1500m race, Stephanie reflects on her long journey the few years before. After graduation, she took a scholarship to Stanford University and partook in one of the best track programs in the United States. As time went on and she pushed her body further and further, she moved up the ranks. She placed second in the US Championships and sixth in the World Cup. She then won the US Olympic trials, and after all that effort and running, she finally landed a spot in the Olympics.

The announcer introduces Stephanie to the crowd, and as she walks out into the field she sees her mother in the stands. She recounts how her mother was finally able to get back into college and finish her degree. In her forties, she was finally finding her own path in life.

The rest of the epilogue continued in a similar direction, with Stephanie recounting what each of her close friends had been doing the past few years. It was the classic “where are they now” trope. Cheesy, but also endearing.

Hal had remained a friend to Stephanie, but since he was going to college on another side of the country, the two ended their romantic relationship. It was a bit of a subversion of the whole “falling in love with your best friend” trope that TG stories used a lot, and Sierra really liked it. It felt like the more realistic and mature ending rather than having them stay together, and it got the point across that once a person graduates high school, a lot of what happens in that time of their lives gets left behind.

Sierra had thought a lot about the future of her relationship with Elise, and reading this made her think about it again. Would she have to break up with Elise after graduation next year? That question never got comfortable to ask no matter how many times it popped into her head.

Putting that aside, Stephanie then talks about how Sue, her former girlfriend, went to Ivy League and graduated from Yale Law School. She currently lived in Washington, and was preparing for a career in politics (hopefully on the side of the left, and not on the side of the capitalist, imperialist U.S. establishment, Sierra thought).

As for the rest of the characters, Becky and BMW were married and expecting a child, Arleen had found a girlfriend in San Francisco and was finally free to be herself, Tamara had married and become a mother, and Jeri joined the military, all the while still struggling with being a woman. Sierra still wondered if Jeri was supposed to be a trans man. The story was very unclear in that area.

For some of the characters, it’s never revealed what happened to them. Stephanie’s old coach, “Coach Bradford”, is mentioned but it’s never said what became of him. Beth, the third character from the Girl School plotline, had seemingly disappeared from the story altogether. The reader also never learns what happened to Stephanie’s old male rival, Kevin Tilden, but for him it made sense why Stephanie wouldn’t keep in touch.

It was the same deal for the “bad” characters. The reader never learns what happened to Melody McCarthy. Maybe she began a successful career in Track as well, or maybe she didn’t. The principal is mentioned, and Stephanie says how her experience with him made her realize how much she loved submitting to a man (which Sierra thought was a pretty gross way to use a scene depicting sexual assault), but what happened to him is a mystery. And Andy Marks was, again, not mentioned at all.

The reader is left to assume that the Principal and Andy Marks received no real consequences for their crimes. And, in a bit of fridge horror, they are also left to assume that the Principal is still employed at the school district, left to sexually harass and assault more vulnerable young girls.

At the end, it’s said that GB was still a mystery. Even after all those years no one was able to find out where it came from. In fact, a new variant of GB had apparently begun making the rounds; one that turned girls into boys. There was a lot of potential for a universe here, one that centered around GB and its consequences on society, but sadly that never happened.

In one of the last paragraphs, Stephanie is called to the starting line along with all the other women. The gun goes off, and then the story ends.

So… what now? Sierra had been thinking about this story, on and off again in her head a lot this past week, but to what end? What was the significance? What did it all mean?

Maybe Sierra wouldn’t find a specific answer, but she could try. The story certainly gave a lot to ponder over.

“For a Girl”, despite being arguably the most popular and well known online TG story, was in many ways, quite controversial, and after reading it again Sierra had to concede that some of the things she’d seen people say against it were understandable.

The forced het would always be a little off-putting. No matter how many times Sierra thought about it she could never accept it. Why did TG stories at the time do it? And why did it always have to be a straight man turning into a straight woman? Why couldn’t it be a gay man turning into a straight woman? Or a straight man turning into a lesbian? Or why not just have the main character be bi? TG stories nowadays were generally a lot better when dealing with the complexities of human sexuality, but back in the 2000s, it just seemed to be the case that at no point was the main character allowed to be gay.

To give “For a Girl” some credit, it did have a lesbian character, and it did feature some “girl-on-girl action”, but its usage of the forced het trope could never be fully overlooked.

There was another common trope that “For a Girl” used, that some had brought up against old TG stories, and that was brainwashing. Essentially, brainwashing was the process of forcibly altering the main character’s mind to make them like being a girl, even if they wouldn’t have otherwise.

In general, the ways that TG stories handled the process of mental acceptance could be divided into four directions. The first was to make the main character trans, something that had become a lot more popular in recent times. The second was to leave things ambiguous or make the main character “flexible”. With this, it is never officially confirmed whether the main character is trans (though it may be implied), but it is shown that they are able to accept their new body, without outside interference.

Another direction, one that was rarely used, was having an explicitly cis character transform and then experience dysphoria. Sierra could recall a few stories that did this and she always found them interesting. It was a neat subversion of the standard TG formula.

And then there was brainwashing, the most controversial of all. Making the main character like being a girl, outside of their own volition. Sometimes it was left ambiguous as to whether or not brainwashing had actually happened. Sometimes there was a bit of overlap between making the main character “flexible” and brainwashing them. And sometimes, like in “For a Girl”, it was directly confirmed that brainwashing was taking place.

But how exactly does the author show that the main character is being brainwashed? Well, there were a few ways. One of the most common was to force feminine thoughts and feelings into their head. This could range from anything from wanting to look pretty to wanting to wear female clothing to wanting to wear makeup and stuff like that. Sometimes these thoughts would be framed as distressing and intrusive. Sierra had even coined the term “intrusive feminine thoughts” to describe them.

Was it sexist? Absolutely, but it got the job done.

In the case of “For a Girl”, Sierra thought the story kind of shot itself in the foot by using this trope. Stephanie’s character arc largely revolved around learning to accept and love being a girl. To become the best girl she could be. So, when the story says that GB victims are brainwashed to like being female, doesn’t that sort of cheapen that entire arc? Doesn’t it make it feel less satisfying? Less earned? Wouldn’t the arc be more impactful and powerful if Stephanie wasn’t brainwashed?

It seemed “For a Girl” had more missed opportunities than Sierra first thought. It was almost as if its frequent use of problematic TG tropes was detrimental to its overall story.

This was a more minor point but “For a Girl” also played directly into the stereotype that women are more emotional than men. And by “directly”, Sierra meant that it just flat out said women are more emotional. The story took an older than dirt stereotype about women and accepted it at face value as the truth without any further consideration.

There were quite a few TG stories that did this, and they always rubbed Sierra the wrong way. No, women were not more emotional than men, and it was sexist to suggest otherwise. Sierra suspected that some might defend “For a Girl” by saying that in the story, the stereotype was treated as a positive, desirable trait rather than a negative one. This is true, but defending the story in this way would be missing the point. When it comes to stereotypes, it doesn’t matter if they are portrayed as positive or not, if they are portrayed at all, it furthers any harm they cause in the real world.

But all of these tropes paled in comparison to how the story treated sexual assault.

The principal spanking scene was the most egregious example of this, but it actually extended further beyond that. The whole story seemed to have a weird attitude toward sex abuse, where it almost seemed to suggest that if the woman secretly wants it, then it’s okay.

Now, perhaps that was going too far, and looking too deeply into things, but when the story frames a middle aged man touching a teenage girl’s butt as “playful” and shows Stephanie laughing the incident off, could you really blame someone for coming away with that impression?

The way some TG stories treated sexual assault was in Sierra’s mind, the worst TG trope of all. It was one she was more than happy with to leave in the past.

So yeah, “For a Girl” was, in some ways, really messed up. In fact, a lot of old Fictionmania stories were really messed up. And for Sierra, she often found herself asking if she should be ashamed for liking these stories.

Should she? Well, after years of reading them, she believed she had finally found the answer. But it would take a long time to explain.

For starters, she could not possibly overstate how “For a Girl”, and Fictionmania stories in general for that matter, were products of their time. Some of these stories were over twenty years old, and while the late 1990s and early 2000s weren’t technically that long ago, they were still pretty different from the 2020s. Especially for LGBT representation and visibility.

They had gotten past the point where gay people were seen as pedophiles, at least for the most part, but not to the point of open acceptance being a common find. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” was still the main philosophy in a lot of places. Hell, this was a time when supporting gay marriage could still be considered “career suicide” for a U.S. poltician. And it wasn’t like there was much representation in the mainstream media, either.

For trans representation, it was even worse. As Sierra had stated before, there was a history of trans people, mainly trans women, being portrayed badly in the media. A lot of old movies and TV shows had them shown as violent criminals. And it was a distinct possibility that this kind of messaging influenced “For a Girl”, as in that story the only trans character was a rapist.

But it was more than just bad portrayals. It was also the fact that there was virtually no positive representation of trans people. Beyond that, a good number of people in society didn’t even fully know what being transgender was. Some even saw being transgender and being a crossdresser as sort of the same thing. And how many people personally knew a transgender person? It couldn’t be that many.

Just like most novels, the way TG stories were written were influenced by the circumstances of their time. Why did old TG stories have so many problematic tropes? Because of the culture of when they were released. It was important to keep that in mind.

TG stories had evolved quite a bit since the Fictionmania era. The older, more problematic tropes were becoming less common, trans characters were becoming more common, and the sexualization was generally being toned down a bit.

And that wasn’t even all, as fully published novels starring trans characters had begun to appear. With novels like “Dreadnought” and “Detransition, Baby”, a lot of Fictionmania stories could feel a bit archaic in comparison. Did that mean they had no value? Obviously not. There were a lot of talented writers on Fictionmania that deserved to be recognized. And these stories were surely a lot more than just a collection of problematic tropes. It was just that sometimes, it was important to take a step back and admit their shortcomings.

They were, just like all media, products of a flawed society.

And even then, how much harm did these stories actually do? They were free online stories on the internet. No one was receiving any profit from their existence. The sites they were posted on were hardly known by the vast majority of the population. You could go and ask any random person on the street what they think of “For a Girl” by O2bxx, or Fictionmania, or TG Storytime, and they’d probably just look at you funny. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who actually knows what you’re talking about.

So no, Sierra shouldn’t feel bad for liking TG stories, or any kind of story for that matter. No matter how messed up they could get, she should never feel like she’s doing something wrong by reading them. Instead, why doesn’t she just sit back and enjoy the damn story. Give the author some appreciation for all the hard work they put in.

Besides, why would “being problematic” only be limited to TG fiction, anyway? There was a ton of literature posted online that was messed up. For instance, fanfiction. Was there anyone out there who would really try to argue that fanfiction was entirely pure? That there weren’t any problematic or sometimes completely messed up examples of it? What about literotica? There were a ton of stories on that site specifically about rape.

Online literature in general could be messed up, it wasn’t just TG stories.

And if Sierra was being honest, it wasn’t like all those tropes in TG stories were messed up. She still found the “falling in love with your best friend” trope pretty sweet.

Speaking of which, the romance between Stephanie and Hal in “For a Girl” put a lot of emphasis on the man being the dominant partner and the woman being the submissive partner in the relationship. A lot of het TG stories did this, and Sierra suspected it was because the author really wanted to get across how the main character is being treated as a woman now.

While Sierra thought about this she had to ask, is this how Elise perceived their relationship? Did she see “Devin” as someone to dominate and protect her? Possibly. She wanted to ask Elise about it but she couldn’t muster up the courage.

Getting back to “For a Girl”, there was a rather interesting line about Stephanie being submissive in the epilogue: “I suspect my desire to be sexually dominated has less to do with my femininity and more to do with my own needs, innate from birth.” So, does this line mean that Stephanie liked being dominated before becoming a woman, and just never knew? If Stephanie never got GB, then would she, as Jack, have sexually submitted to a dominant woman? It left a lot to speculate on.

There was a lot one could speculate on regarding TG stories. For instance, how, in Sierra’s experience, quite a few of them seemed to resemble the writing style of noted sex abuser, Joss Whedon. Funnily enough, in “For a Girl” it’s actually said that Stephanie resembles Michelle Tractenberg, the actress for Dawn in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, so clearly Whedon had some level of definite influence on O2bxx.

Really, Sierra could speculate all day.

But at this point it seemed like she’d be wasting her time.

Now, she had something more pressing stuck in her mind, waiting to be pondered on. Something very deep and personal.

The reasons why she read these stories so much.

There was a belief Sierra held, that in most cases, she believed to be a fact. She had no real way of proving it, she just had an inkling it was true.

“Everyone is hyper-fixated on at least one piece of media”.

Yes, that one piece of media could change overtime, but it still remained true that most people would hyper-fixated on one piece of media at any given time. And for Sierra, that piece of media was TG stories. At all times.

Escapism. Wish fulfillment. Obsession. She always kept coming back to sites like Fictionmania and TG Storytime, and those were the reasons why. She’d always known it, even when she didn’t want to admit it herself.

Sierra had to deal with a lot of hate in her life. Hatred of herself, hatred of her body, hatred of who she was in the world, and that wasn’t even mentioning the hatred from other people, and the hatred from the world.

Every day she went to school, she was hanging around people who would hate her guts if she revealed who she truly was. People who were nice to her, and would befriend her, going on and on about why transgender people were delusional, and deserved to be made fun of. Deserved to be insulted. Deserved to be ostracized.

And what would she do when she heard people say these things? She’d smile and laugh along with them. Oh, how she was good at hiding what she felt. You wouldn’t suspect a thing by looking at her. On the outside, nothing but joy. But on the inside, pain. Lots and lots of pain.

She’d then go online and read a news article about how “transgenderism” was dangerous to society, and needed to be abolished. She’d read all the comments agreeing with the article, and then do the whole process over again. It was a way to keep the fire of self hate burning within her. As much as she hated it, she had to admit that it felt good, in the same way that cutting yourself felt good. It’s wrong, and you know it’s wrong, but it gave off stimuli that were too thrilling to resist.

Sierra had learned long ago to lock the “bad” part of her away. Put it in a cage in the back of her mind. Live as though the cage wasn’t even there. It was an easy way to live, but so, so unbearable. Dull, and devoid of any color. It was as if there was something in her mind preventing her from ever truly being happy.

So, when the hatred of the world came to be too much, she would relieve herself by laying down and going to her secret website. The cage in her mind would, for a brief moment, be allowed to open up. Even if it was temporary, she would be free.

She’d find a story about a man turning into a woman, read it, obsess over it, imagine herself as the main character, then find another story and do it again. She’d have a few moments where she could escape from the cruel world and read about a fictional character getting exactly what she wanted for herself.

“Wouldn’t it be neat”, she thought, if she turned into a girl. She could make such a great girl. And the transformation would be against her will, so it wasn’t as if she wanted it, it just happened to her. She’d be happy as a girl and justify it by saying “I’m just making the best of an unfortunate situation”.

What a great thing to fantasize about. Being a girl. All the opportunities she’d have. She got excited just thinking about it.

But all good things must come to an end.

Soon after she stopped reading, she’d go back to the world, and then walk around as if nothing happened.

For a long time, everything in the world looked hopeless to her.

But now, things were looking like they were changing for the better. Sierra actually had some hope for the future, for once in her life. Her body was much more feminine, and much easier to exist in. And also, she had Elise, a person who’d always be by her side, no matter what.

It’d been a long time, but Sierra could actually feel the color in her life, for the first time in years.

“For a Girl” would likely remain the most favorite story on TG Storytime for decades to come. It was the quintessential 2000s TG story, filled with all the best and worst parts of that genre of literature.

It gave a lot of focus to topics such as misogyny and strength loss, which in most TG stories were usually in the background. Strength loss especially could be inconsistent, as some TG stories had the main character turn into some kind of mythical creature like a vampire or a succubus, with like ten times the strength of a normal human. It was basically as inconsistent as “For a Girl” itself, as sometimes Sierra found herself loving the story and sometimes found herself scratching her head at the bizarre choices made in it.

It was a polarizing story. Some loved it, some hated it. Either way, it would continue to be read and remembered for generations.

After releasing “For a Girl”, O2bxx basically vanished from the internet, and their whereabouts are unknown to this day. Sierra guessed that made sense, since writing stories on the internet for free was a hobby, not a job. The authors owed nothing to any random person online. But still, Sierra wondered where O2bxx was now. It had been nearly twenty years since they had an active online presence, and she hoped they were in a good place, wherever they were.

Reading “For a Girl” again after all these years had brought Sierra a more refined perspective on the story, and to her surprise, she was a bit sad that it was all over. But at the same time, it felt right. She enjoyed picking the story apart to death, but now it was over, and she could move on.

As she finished the story, she made a choice. It was a choice she had pondered for a while, but now, she knew she had to make it a reality.

After years of reading TG stories, she decided that it was time for her to start writing her own.

At the end of Sierra’s neighborhood lay a large, long field. It was flat, full of crops and extended for as far as the eye could see. It almost looked like a farmer’s field, and maybe it was. Sierra couldn’t exactly tell.

Sierra had seen the field many times throughout her life and had oddly fond memories of it. She had never actually been in the field, but it seemed the simple sight of it was enough to remind her of familiarity, comfort, and home.

When Sierra was younger, she often wished to play in the field, and one time, when she was nine, she almost did. She was about to step foot into it before an older man caught her and threatened to tell her parents if she got any closer. Considering that man was dead now, it was kind of a sad memory to think about.

The area between the road and the field made for a good resting place, as it was covered in shade and had an old bench to sit on. After Sierra and Elise finished reading “For a Girl”, this was where they went. Currently they were sitting on that bench, with Sierra’s head resting on Elise’s shoulder.

“I’d say you’re taking on the role of girlfriend pretty well.” Elise giggled.

“What?”

“You’re resting on my shoulder, you know, like the girlfriend does.”

“Oh.” Sierra sat up straight. “I, uh, was just a little dazed.”

“Hey, it’s not a bad thing.” Elise assured her. “I think it’s cute.”

Sierra blushed. “Well… you know, I… um…” She forced a cough. “So… did you really like that story, like for real?”

“I already told you, yes.” Elise replied. “I mean… there were some parts of it that were a bit weird but for the most part I liked it.”

“That’s nice to hear.” Sierra said. “Again, it was one of my favorites when I was fourteen, but I guess it’s kind of soured on me now. It’s interesting to hear what you think of it, especially with it having had such a huge impact on TG fiction.”

Sierra rubbed her forehead. “Actually, ‘For a Girl’ is kind of mainstream.”

“Mainstream?” Elise asked. “What on Earth are you talking about?”

“Maybe not really ‘mainstream’ but apparently the story has been cited in a few reports on transgender people. I found that out after looking it up.” Sierra said. “You know, I think it’s a bit funny. The story itself doesn’t technically have anything to do with transgender people, but whenever it’s discussed in the mainstream, that’s the only lens people see it in. It seems that, no matter what, TG stories are just seen as trans stories, regardless of if they even have a trans character or not. It’s like an identity they can’t escape.”

“And is that a bad thing?” Elise asked.

“I honestly couldn’t even begin to answer that.”

***

“Hey…” Sierra said. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about that site we’ve been reading on.”

“What is it?” Elise asked.

“It’s, uh… you know how I said quite a few stories on that site had some problematic or ‘yikesy’ stuff that most readers today wouldn’t like?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, it actually goes further than that.” Sierra explained. “There was this controversy some time ago when a foreign troll came onto the site and posted a bunch of low quality stories. They spammed the front page with low-effort garbage and even gave their own stories five star reviews.”

“And that was against the rules?”

“Yep, but they didn’t get banned. Caused a huge controversy on the site. It only got worse when they started posting hate speech. A bunch of people were begging to get that user removed, and the moderator of the site responded in probably the worst way possible.”

“They agreed with the user?”

“Second worst.” Sierra corrected herself. “Basically they said they did not want to infringe on ‘free speech’, and that the site wasn’t a transgender support site. So the user stayed up, the hate speech stayed up, and a bunch of authors left the site in anger.”

“Hmm.” Elise responded. “And is this user still there?”

“No.” Sierra answered. “They did get banned, eventually. But by then it was too late. The damage had already been done.”

“Huh.” Elise said. “You know, I think it might be a generational thing. Older people are very loud about ‘free speech’, and all.”

“I think the moderator just never thought people would view the site as a resource for trans people. I can’t say for sure, but it definitely feels like that.” Sierra said. “And like, about the site not being a transgender support site, I can understand that technically being true, but when you’re talking about a site with a largely trans userbase, where different users can talk and discuss things with each other, you have to realize how those users will perceive the site.”

“I know I’ve never modded a website.” Sierra said. “But these seem like basic things to consider, right? And even if I’m wrong, the point still stands that not taking down hate speech is just shitty.”

***

“Yeah… I guess that’s the weirdest dream I’ve ever had.” Elise said. “What about you?”

“Well…” Sierra started. “There was this one TG story I read, years ago, about these four college guys on a road trip who transform into this family, with the main character becoming the mother. It had a kind of ‘Twilight Zone’-esque vibe to it. Anyway, for some reason, years after I had even thought of that story, I had this dream where you, me, Amanda, and Ryan were on a road trip and then turned into a family. We were the kids and they were the parents. And I was the only one who remembered our past lives. We had new names too, I don’t remember what they were but they weren’t our names.”

Sierra continued. “We pulled up to this house that I didn’t recognize, and I was like ‘this isn’t our house’, ‘this isn’t us’. No one believed me. Then I found myself in this… jail cell with everyone telling me I was insane and needed help. Last thing I remember is feeling something touch my shoulder. Next thing I know, I’m in the cafeteria, with Ryan telling me I fell asleep during lunch and that the period was almost over. Man, I was in such a daze when I woke up. Even had to check my drivers license to make sure I was still me. I don’t know how or why that dream happened, but it did.”

“I heard you’re not supposed to have dreams during short naps like that.” Elise said. “If you are, it means you’re not getting enough sleep.”

“It was during midterm week, so of course I wasn’t getting enough sleep.”

Elise gave a knowing nod.

Sierra forced out a laugh. “You want to know what the worst part was? Even in this dream, where I transformed into someone else, I was still a guy. It couldn’t even grant me becoming a girl. What a load of shit.”

***

Elise groaned as her phone buzzed wildly. “Well, you know what that means.”

“Is it really that late?” Sierra asked. “What time is it?”

“6:15.”

“I guess that is kind of late.” Sierra said.

“Yeah… I was really pushing it today. My parents are not going to be happy. They’re so overprotective, it’s so annoying.”

“I’m sure they’d ease off if you just talked to them about it.”

“No, you don’t understand, it doesn’t work like that.” Elise said. “Not for girls, as you will soon find out.”

Sierra blushed slightly. “I… guess so.”

“Honestly I’m more worried about Emma than my parents. That annoying little shit is such a loudmouth.”

“Woah!” Sierra exclaimed. “You’re really saying that about your own sister?”

Elise chuckled as she stood up. “That’s another thing you don’t understand. Having a sibling.”

Sierra took Elise’s hand. “You can thank my mother for that. My father wanted another one, but she said that after she gave birth to me, she absolutely did not want to go through labor again.”

Sierra and Elise began the walk back to Sierra’s house. “I don’t want to go through labor ever.” Elise replied. “My mom says I’ll change my mind, but I never want kids.”

“Do you want a hysterectomy?”

“What? No. I don’t have that kind of money. Besides, you know how doctors are with that stuff.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” Sierra said. “I sometimes have a hard time trusting doctors myself. I’m kind of scared of what they’d say if they realized I was taking hormones without a prescription. And worried they’d make me stop.”

“Well…” Elise said. “Even if they don’t agree with it, you still have the hormones. Whether they like it or not, you are becoming yourself.”

Sierra smiled as Elise planted a kiss on her cheek. Elise was amazing. She couldn’t have possibly asked for a better girlfriend.

The first chapter of Minikisa’s “Of Heroes And Villains” starts with a heist. The plant based supervillain, Dionaea, goes to a vault on a train to steal the goods, before being stopped by the teleporting martial artist, Shade. A fight ensues, a classic clashing of good and evil, completely normal, until Dionaea tears off a part of Shade’s uniform, revealing the vigilante’s dark secret to the world.

The superhero, Shade, wore panties.

This embarrassing moment was the start of a long journey for Shade. One of self discovery, of introspection, of healing, and of love. With help from Dionaea, Shade was able to find who she truly was.

One week ago Devin had an embarrassing moment that kickstarted his very own journey of self discovery. Through his own carelessness, his girlfriend had caught him on TG Storytime, revealing his secret hobby of reading TG stories to the world.

It went even further than that, however. After he was caught, he confessed to taking female hormones and wearing large sweatshirts to hide his growing breasts. He even confessed to having a female alias, Sierra, who every day, was becoming less and less of an alias.

Considering the circumstances, Devin thought Elise reacted to all this information extremely well. From her perspective, her boyfriend told her that he liked reading stories where guys turn into girls, that he took female hormones, that he had breasts, and that he had a female name, all in one day. And through all of it, Elise remained calm and collected. At no point did she freak out.

Devin had feared that Elise would hate him, or call him disgusting, or even break up with him, but she didn’t. She accepted him, flaws and all. In fact, recently she had even been encouraging him to step out of his comfort zone more and more, even going so far as to call him “Sierra” and wanting him to accept himself as a girl.

If Devin was told a week ago that all this would happen, he’d probably collapse in shock. What an insane week he had.

He told his friends on discord about it, and within an hour he had received a wide range of responses.

“Are you being serious?”

“Holy shit”

“lmao”

“Based”

“Really proud of you man… girl I mean.”

Devin smiled. Between Elise and his friends on discord, he loved all the positive feedback he was getting in discovering himself.

He could only wonder if this kind of reaction would translate to the rest of the world.

His parents.

God, his parents.

The day they would return from their vacation was coming closer and closer. As of right now, it was only three days away. Devin worrying about what his parents would do if they found out about Sierra was like a second instinct at this point. Something he did almost as much as breathing. He had lost track of all the possibilities he had come up with in his head.

Should he just tell his parents about Sierra? Upfront?

Surely if he didn't, they'd find out anyway. He'd been slipping up more and more, and it was inevitable that, if he didn't tell them, then eventually, he'd accidentally reveal Sierra to them. Maybe they'd find the silver necklace in one of his drawers, or take his covers off of him in bed, or catch him washing his bras. And then he'd have to confess. That just seemed like a mess to deal with. It might be better to just tell them outright, and rip the band-aid off immediately.

Devin paced around his house, constantly wondering what he would do.

And after a while, he made up his mind.

Some time this summer, he'd tell them about Sierra himself. He had to do it himself. He couldn't live knowing that some random accident let them know Sierra existed. He didn't know why, but he couldn't.

How he would do it though, he had no idea.

He'd just have to wait and see.

***

As the sun was getting closer and closer to setting, Devin spent his time taking another walk through his neighborhood, all the way back down to the shaded bench in front of the large field. And while he was walking, he wasn’t thinking about his identity, his long week, or his parents.

He was thinking about those damn TG stories.

Well, not the stories themselves, but rather, one of the sites they were hosted on, TG Storytime. The site he had gone on for years. The site that he now had nostalgia for.

The site that, at first, refused to take down hate speech.

Was it wrong to keep using it?

When a bunch of authors left, Devin tried to leave too, but found he just couldn't. The site occupied a permanent spot in his mind, and his browsing history. It only took one press of "t" on the keyboard to get there. So the temptation to keep going was too high to be ignored.

To be fair, TG Storytime was already problematic, even before the incident with the foreign troll. Its categories were weird, to say the least. For the longest time, it didn't have a trans tag, but it did have a "sissy" and a "shemale" tag.

Even beyond that, the way the categories were set up was just weird. They were entirely based on the means that the gender transformation is carried out, rather than what kind of genre the story was in. It felt like a really odd way to sort things out.

While thinking through all of this, Devin wondered, was he overreacting?

Maybe.

As of now, it seemed most of the people on TG Storytime had forgotten about the "foreign troll" incident. A lot of them probably didn't think anything of it, and some may not have even known it happened. Either way, the event was already becoming a distant memory.

On a freely available, public forum that few people knew existed, was it such a bad thing to keep using it? Was anything that actually happened on it a big deal? What harm could really be done by it?

So, Devin concluded that he would continue using the site. And that wouldn't be such a shameful thing.

***

Tomorrow was sure to be an interesting day.

Devin had talked to Elise’s grandparents only twice before. Her grandfather had been greatly overprotective, but as Elise had said, that was to be expected. Overall though, from what he had seen, they seemed to be a pretty nice old couple.

Of course, looks could be deceiving.

Devin knew from personal experience that grandparents could have some seriously messed up beliefs. He could still vividly recall being six years old and hearing his own grandfather tell him he’d beat him if he “turned out to be a faggot”. At the time, Devin didn’t know what that meant, but now, those words weighed on his mind like an anvil.

What his grandfather would do now, if he found out about Sierra, Devin didn’t even want to think about.

Devin didn’t know if Elise’s grandparents said anything like that to her when she was younger, but from word of mouth, he still knew they were messed up. Believing the election was stolen from Trump? Check. Believing vaccines are ineffective? Check. Believing nazi propaganda about Jews controlling banks? Check, Devin thought with a wince. Honestly it was a miracle that they didn’t entirely buy into the QAnon conspiracy. At least they weren't holocaust deniers.

Devin had spent the past two hours writing an outline of what he would say to her grandparents the next day, and what arguments he would use. He wanted to be as thorough and prepared as possible. And if he couldn’t do anything else, he could at least know not to be overconfident. He’d be sure to fail if he did that.

Devin shut off his computer and threw himself onto his bed. With what he had to do tomorrow, he needed to get a good night’s sleep. And since he had a long day he was glad to finally be in bed.

It then occurred to Devin that he still needed to do a voice training session.

“Fuck.” He thought.

Maybe he could skip it. Just for one day. Surely no damage would be done if he just skipped it for one day, right?

Yeah, no, he should probably do the session.

Devin let out a light groan as he got out of bed and turned on his computer. It looked like he was in for another miserable hour.