Little Orphant Annie's come to our house to stay,
An' wash the cups an' saucers up, an' brush the crumbs away,
An' shoo the chickens off the porch, an' dust the hearth, an' sweep,
An' make the fire, an' bake the bread, an' earn her board-an'-keep;
An' all us other childern, when the supper things is done,
We set around the kitchen fire an' has the mostest fun
A-list'nin' to the witch-tales 'at Annie tells about,
An' the Gobble-uns 'at gits you
Ef you…Don't… Watch…Out!

"Little Orphant Annie"
James Whitcomb Riley
1885

Chapter 1 - Coincidences

Coincidence.

Coincidences happen, right?

Sure they do, and my life is example number one. Let me introduce myself: I was born Daniel Patrick Warbucks. Name sounds familiar, doesn't it? Along about 1924, Harold Gray was inspired to start a comic strip called Little Orphan Ollie. After a few strips he did some research and found that there were damn few strips featuring a female protagonist, so Ollie became Annie and Annie became famous.

You can see where this is going, can't you?

As far as I can see there's bupkis connecting the poem to the comic strip other than being an orphan. Riley never said a word about Annie's hair in the poem and, for that matter, since the daily strips were in black-and-white, the red hair is kind of tenuous, too.

Fast forward to the last century - February 29, 1990 to be exact. In the comic strip Annie never seemed to age; supposedly Harold Gray attributed this to Annie being born on February 29, so she only had a birthday every four years. We now find Oliver and Mary Alice Warbucks in the delivery room on that auspicious date with Mary Alice about to produce Yours Truly.

In case you didn't know, "Daddy" Warbucks' first name was Oliver and Mary Alice Smith was the orphan who inspired Riley to write about Annie. Like I said - coincidence.

I'm told my parents were very aware of this background and I'm told my mother was sure I was going to be a girl, so I was Annie up until the doctor slapped my bottom. With a sigh a "D" was quickly tacked on to the initial "A" and there I was, not that I remember any of this, mind you.

Looking back in the baby books I have to say I was a cute kid. Lots of curly red hair and green eyes (courtesy of the O'Hara genes on my mother's side) and an impish smile. Lest we stretch coincidence too far, my father had a great mop of hair - no baldness like the cartoon character - and my eyes are bright green - not blank circles. I think I get my abundant hair from both sides of the family, but the red curls certainly come from my mother.

I was still quite young when my mother informed my father I would no longer be an only child. Friends recall this was cause for great celebration and my parents decided to take a week-long skiing vacation before my impending sister or brother made skiing an impossible task for my mother. They were accompanied by my maternal grandparents and I was left in the care of close friends while they were out on the slopes.

Four days into the vacation disaster struck and both my parents and grandparents were buried in an avalanche. Thus I became Little Orphan Danny, my paternal grandfather having become a hero in one of the series of foolish wars we always seem to be fighting and my remaining grandmother having simply given up living after her husband's death.

Of course, I have no memory of this, what I do know came from some of their friends and an elderly great aunt who was over ninety when my birth parents died. Obviously she couldn't raise me, so the people who were watching me decided to keep me.

Their names are Chip and Joanna Loesser. I know, I know! Coincidence again, but this was long before Fixer Upper was on HGTV. My mother certainly would never consider using ship-lath for decorating or screwing an old rusty bicycle on the wall as found art. And no, they didn't pick me as the most in need of repair among three orphans.

At least that's what he told me.

With the great aunt's help Chip and Joanna were able to find baby books and pictures that they kept to show me when I was old enough to appreciate them.

I've known that my big sister and I were adopted from before I can remember. It never made much difference to me, I had a set of parents who raised me with love and compassion, the only parents I have ever known.

Oh yeah. As sometimes happens, once Chip and Joanna had adopted two children because they couldn't have their own, my brother Sam came along and surprised the heck out of everyone.

While the only parents I know weren't geniuses at home restoration and decorating, that's not to say they were lacking in artistic qualities. My siblings and I grew up treading the boards of the Periactus Players, in which Chip and Joanna were active participants. This needs some explanation, as you're probably asking 'what the heck is a periactus?' Don't worry, most people haven't got any idea what a periactus is - you're not alone.

The original home of the theatre group was a very small hall with a very small stage. In order to have more than one set available for a play, they built a kind of merry-go-round with two sets back-to-back, so all they had to do was revolve the thing and there was a new set. The merry-go-round is technically called a periactus. See - you learn something new every day.

Whenever a script called for a small person, we kids were drafted and swotted lines right along with our parents. I was jealous when sister Kate got to be Peter Pan and fly around hanging off a wire. Sam and I had to be content as Lost Boys. Kate was jealous when I got to be Tiny Tim - albeit with a wig to cover my out-of-character red curls. We were all on stage in Suessical. You might say that acting was in our blood, even if we weren't blood relatives. I may not have grown up in the family I was born to, but I have a wonderful family that I wouldn't trade for the world.

 

By the age of eleven I was a seasoned actor, so when the group decided to put on Annie the choice for the lead role was a done deal. Now about this point in these stories the boy who gets selected for the girl's part is supposed to get all upset and refuse to be a girl. Trouble was, I hadn't read any of those stories at the age of eleven. I figured if Kate could be the star playing a boy (Peter Pan) then I could be a star as a boy playing a girl. No problem!

Well, one problem. I had let my hair get a bit long; I had to have it cut so I had Annie's traditional red mop of hair. Not a big deal, but I took a lot of kidding from the salon ladies when they did my hair.

You didn't think I could go to a barber to get Annie's do, did you? It was interesting being in the chair instead of waiting for Mom. I did like getting my hair washed, even if they had to put a pillow on the chair so I could be high enough for my head to be over the sink.

I didn't even have to wear a bra, Annie was a little girl, she didn't even need a training bra! I had spent much of my life wearing weird costumes and singing my little heart out before an audience. Even at age eleven I jumped at the chance to be the star of the show.

Sorry to disappoint you, but the first time I wore a dress nothing magical happened. I wasn't overcome with the wonder of it all. I had worn lots of costumes on stage, this was one more and no big deal. Sure, I got some kidding at school, but by then everyone knew me and my siblings were those crazy actor kids.

I never did get the whole boys-do-this and girls-do-that attitude. Mom and Dad were big on equality of the sexes, and I guess I soaked that in as I grew up. Besides, there are a lot of LGBT people involved in theatre, I never considered them any different than anyone else. I certainly wouldn't be the first male to wear a dress on stage.

Don't get me wrong, I was equally at home whacking a ball around a field or helping Dad bake a loaf of bread. Then there's the whole "cooties" nonsense - no thank you! I was going to be Annie on stage and Annie wore that iconic red dress with the big white lapels - big deal.

But then a strange thing happened. I started to enjoy being Annie when I wasn't on stage. If you've ever been involved with producing a play, you know there is a lot of time spent waiting while the director and another actor discuss one thing or another. If it's a long rehearsal you might scarf pizza together during a break or just hang out while some problem gets ironed out. In other words, I spent a lot of time just being me while wearing Annie's clothes.

Unlike most of the actors who don't get into costume until the later rehearsals, I was dressed as Annie in order to get used to the whole girl thing. At first I only put on the costume when we arrived at the theatre and took it off before going home, but after a while it seemed to be a pain to keep changing clothes so I just got dressed before we left and went home the same way. I didn't have the words for it back then, but I was starting to enjoy wearing a dress.

Once we actually put on the play, I got a kick out of fooling people during the intermission or after the show, letting them think I was a real girl. For an eleven-year-old, putting one over on adults was a real blast.

Mom did spend some time with me helping me to become Annie, but after watching the movie a few times it wasn't all that hard to get into the character. The hardest thing was having my legs bare while wearing that cute little red dress. The hem tickled at first and I kept thinking I had forgot to put on my pants when I got distracted. Those shoes with the straps took some getting used to, too.

No, it wasn't the girl's clothes that gave me trouble with the role, it was the dancing. It wasn't all that hard to look like a pre-pubescent girl standing or sitting still, but dancing like a girl is something else.

That meant dance lessons, and somehow wearing a leotard was far more off-putting than wearing a dress. I mean, I'd worn a tunic in Peter Pan and a dress is not that much different, but skin-tight stretchy stuff over my whole body was downright embarrassing. I kept repeating the show must go on!

That's where I learned about dance belts. I don't have to explain what a gaff is, but think of a dance belt as a gaff lite. A male dancer has to be careful, the last thing he needs is to have his balls dangling down while he leaps through the air with his legs spread apart. Consider what might happen to those poor, sensitive dangly bits when he puts his legs together on landing. A dance belt sort of holds things stable and reduces the unsightly bulge a bit.

Not that I had to worry about that at eleven years of age, there wasn't all that much there to dangle. The dance belt did help keep me from being obvious while wearing a leotard in a class of girls, though.

Which brings me to a subject mostly unknown to boys in my age group: the VPL. Of course, there are always a couple of budding Lotharios who are ahead of their peers, but I didn't count any of them among my friends. The Visible Panty Line - nothing to worry a eleven-year-old boy but something of concern to a girl wearing a skin tight leotard. Women solve this dilemma with a thong, but men? The dance belt borrows from the thong by having a string snuggle down into the crack in your ass so it isn't visible.

That damn string drove me crazy until I got used to it. I was the only boy there, but since I was supposed to be learning to dance like a girl I came to class as a girl, with a string in my butt crack. It wasn't like this was the first time I had been mistaken for a girl, what with my pixie face and curly red hair. Not only was I the only boy in the class, but I hadn't done much dancing so I was the least skilled member of the group. I felt like a lumbering elephant when I looked at the girls who actually knew what they were doing.

Of course, having gone through the early rehearsals of a play, I knew just how awful things could seem at the start of any project. I listened and watched and tried my best to do what everyone else was doing. We started with stretches, no problem there. Slowly the stretches became more sinuous movements until without quite realizing it we were dancing. Miss Rochelle, our teacher, seemed to be of the throw them in the pool and see if they can swim school of instruction, so I started paddling for all I was worth.

Actually, I found it fun. I was too young to appreciate the girls as anything sexual, but there was a grace with the more accomplished dancers that fascinated me. By the time the first session ended I was feeling good about myself, at least it looked like I was emulating the others in the big mirrors that surrounded the room.

When I had been taking the dance class for a while and was feeling like I was really starting to get it, Miss Rochelle took me aside one evening after the other girls had left. She complimented me on how well I had picked up on the dancing and offered a few suggestions and encouraged me to practice at home. She felt my goal of learning to dance as Annie was well within my reach and I was pleased.

While we were talking a new group of girls began to fill the place. One by one they disappeared into the dressing area and returned in leotards just like what I was wearing, milling about and practicing some rather energetic steps. It appeared my mother was running late, so I sat on a bench and watched. Presently a tall, bouncy girl who I thought must be a few years older than me came over.

"Hi, I'm Moira. Welcome to the class, you're new here, aren't you?"

"I…" but I didn't get time to say anything else.

"You're going to love step dancing. With that red hair you must be Irish so we're going to get along perfectly! Have you ever done any step dancing?"

"I…" but once again I had no time to reply.

"OK girls, "spoke an older woman, "Welcome to the beginner's Irish Step dancing class. I'm Miss Clancy and this is my assistant Moira. Tonight we'll learn some of the basic moves and get a little bit of history of the art. Would you please line up and we'll begin?"

Moira took my hand and pulled me up, so I found myself unwittingly learning to step dance.

"Now, who of you thinks you're going to be the next star of Riverdance?" asked Miss Clancy, but nobody answered.

"That's good, because I teach traditional Irish step dance. Riverdance comes from the Irish step dance tradition, but mixes in a whole lot of other styles and ideas. That's not bad by itself, that's how we get new and interesting art forms, but you might think of Riverdance as like plunking a rock band in the middle of a symphony orchestra. It can be done, and it can be done well, but I don't think Beethoven would approve.

"So the most obvious thing is in traditional step dance you hold your arms straight at your sides, hands in a loose fist and the goal is to have your upper body staying still while your feet are going crazy. Moira will give you a sample."

Yup, Moira's feet went crazy while her upper body was almost motionless. Here I had just mastered the basics of the kind of dancing I needed to be Annie and now I wanted to be Moira. Moira seemed to float across the floor as she danced, making it look easy.

So I gladly tried to learn the basic Seven Steps of Irish dance, and was completely into it. Not as easy as Moira made it look, but I was determined. Some time later Miss Clancy called a break and I realized that my mother was watching with a big grin on her face. I gave her an embarrassed wave but she just kept smiling and told me to enjoy myself, so that's exactly what I did.

I was hooked by the end of the class. I enjoyed the regular dance class, but after watching some videos of what the really good Irish dancers could do I wanted to be able to do that myself.

"I see you found a way to keep busy when I was late, Danny," my Mom said.

"Yeah! I kinda got dragged into the class when I was sitting on the bench waiting for you, but I really enjoyed it. Did you see the videos of the real dancers?"

"I certainly did. It takes a lot of time and practice to reach that level."

"I know, but I really would like to learn how to do Irish dance."

"Really?"

"Really! I've already got the hair. All I need is the costume and a whole lot of practice."

"Would you really be willing to wear those fancy dresses just so you could dance like that?"

"Sure. Heck, I'm wearing that retro dress to play Annie. At least those dresses are really cool."

"You didn't happen to get a sex change while I was stuck in traffic, did you?"

"Mom!"

"This seems to be a bit more than just learning how to play a girl's character for the musical."

"I guess… They all think I'm a girl anyway, so what's the problem?"

"Honey, in a couple of years your body is going to start changing and you won't look like a girl any longer. To become a really competent dancer you'll need more than a year or two."

"So maybe I could get a sex change."

Remember - I was eleven years old and the boy-girl thing really didn't mean all that much to me. Things were rather black-and-white for me back then.

"Danny, it's not quite that easy. There are doctors and social workers and psychiatrists and endocrinologists and who knows what all before a boy can make such changes in his body to look like a girl."

"Oh…"

"But there's no reason you couldn't take the classes for the next little while if you really want to. I suppose you would need to go once a week if you're serious, but remember you have rehearsals and schoolwork you can't blow off."

"I guess it isn't as easy as I thought."

"Nothing worthwhile is that easy. You have to put some effort into it to do it right."

"I think I've heard that before."

"And you'll hear it again until you're sick of it."

"Can I get an excuse to get off school when I do?"

"Nice try, kid."

"But I can try to learn the Irish dance, right?"

"You bet, Danny."

Chapter 2 - Annie Off The Stage

Annie was a great success, which made me want to spend more time on the stage. I was hooked on the bright lights and the greasepaint, just like my parents. The hardest part of the whole thing was the my name in the program.

So far, the theatre group hadn't been very forthcoming that Annie was being played by a boy. It didn't seem to be such a big thing to me, but I was starting to realize that a lot of people got upset about boys that thought they were girls or vice versa.

As for me, I was perfectly happy to be a girl at the Irish dance class, but I was starting to pick up on the whole boy-girl thing in the attitudes of some of my fellow dancers. In fact, I was pretty sure if Clarise or Jody found out I was really a boy they would be pissed about it.

So when the program was printed, the part of Annie was played by D. Annie Loesser. Pretty cool, huh? My family has an interesting sense of humor. It's a great pun that you have to really know me to even know it was a pun. You are now part of a very select group.

Of course, I took some ribbing at school once the play premiered, but I just grumbled halfheartedly about the typo in the program. When Chuckie Sheer started giving me grief for wearing a dress in the show, I finally had enough of his crap when he sarcastically asked me for a date. I just grabbed him and kissed him on the lips and accepted. It took several days for Chuckie to live that one down, but he shut up after that.

What did surprise me, though, was that Moira and several of the girls from the Irish dance class came to the opening night, and they complimented me on my voice and dancing. Yup, I was becoming one of the girls.

I had no idea how prophetic that thought would be.

 

We were playing three shows on each of two weekends, about as much as the audience in our area would bear. Saturday night, after our first weekend, we were on our way home, tired but with that exhilaration you get from a really good performance. We got three curtain calls and I even got one all by myself, holding the giant stuffed dog that was playing Sandy. There's nothing like the high you get from a good performance.

The whole family was involved in this show, Mom was playing Grace Farrell, the woman who adopts Annie. Dad was FDR (especially nice since we got to sing together) and my siblings were two of the orphans in the crowd scenes.

"Danny?" asks Dad on our way home.

"Yeah?"

"I was talking to someone who is interested in sponsoring the troupe next season."

"That's great," I said. Even at eleven years old I knew that the Periactus Players depended on people with big bucks paying the bills. You had to be very nice to sponsors - everybody knew that.

"They'd like to take us out for dinner after the final matinee next week. They especially want to meet Annie."

"Cool! Free food is always good."

"Thing is, they don't know about Danny, they want to meet Annie."

"Oh. That's kinda weird."

"I know. I guess we didn't really think it through when we asked you to play a girl's part."

"It's up to you, honey," spoke Mom. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to."

"I guess it's all right. After all, everybody at the dance studio thinks I'm a girl, so it's not that big a deal."

"I'm glad you aren't upset, Dan. I'd hate to turn down anyone who wants to sponsor us."

"I guess I could think of it as improv theatre. Sort of Sunday Afternoon Live."

"I'm not sure I want to have two sisters," Sam groaned.

"Hey sis!" Kate enthused, "we could all play house and Sam can be the baby."

"You get to change his diaper, though," I grinned evilly."

"Maybe he could be a toddler. He acts like it sometimes."

"Children, be nice" Mom ordered.

"Gee Mom," I whined, "I don't have a thing to wear!" I may not have been a girl, but I'd watched enough TV to know a good line when I heard it.

"Yes!" crowed Mom. "Shopping!"

This is a running joke in the family. Dad likes to moan and groan about how much time (and money!) Mom takes getting clothes and she likes to do the hoity-toity rich girl bit. It's all a farce, though. Dad has been known to drive the wardrobe mistress insane arguing little bits of costuming. I guess I take after him because I had some things about Annie's dress that I really wanted changed. For one thing, that bow just had to go!

"Just send the bills to the sponsors, OK?" Dad groaned.

"Don't you want me to look pretty for the wallets - I mean sponsors?" I asked.

"I could use a new dress, too, Daddy" threw in Kate."

"You're safe, Dad," Sam said. "I don't want a new dress."

"Thank heavens for small favors. How did we end up in this crazy situation?"

"I wanted to be a star," I replied. "You know how a dedicated actress will do anything to be a star."

"You're too young to be so cynical, son."

"I guess I need more practice."

"Talk to your mother about that."

"I suppose when we go to the Mall we can discuss the matter over some fancy coffee in the food court before we go dress shopping."

"I want to come, too!" begged Kate.

"I want to stay home!" begged Sam.

"I want some aspirin," moaned dad.

 

So we all immediately went shopping to get me a dress, right?

Fat chance. I can tell that you've never been in a theatrical production if you think any of us were up to shopping. What we did was go home, have some hot chocolate and go to bed.

We didn't go shopping on Sunday, either. Sunday was a matinee, so we just about finished breakfast before we had to head for the theatre. I takes time to get into costume, get made up - you have to wear makeup on stage or you look awful from the audience's point of view - and cope with all the little things that go wrong at the last minute. Since I was only eleven years old I didn't have to do anything but watch the adults run around, but things can get crazy just before a show.

So I just stood around in my cute little red dress, waiting for my cue and then I was once again Annie. The show went well, lots of kids in the audience since it was an afternoon performance, and they all really liked Annie. She was a plucky little devil, I still remember how good it felt to be her for a few minutes on the stage.

Actually, it was Wednesday before we went dress shopping. I can't say I was all that excited about the whole deal, but it didn't take too much on my part to think like Annie and decide if I was going to wear a dress I would wear a dress that made me look good.

Going dress shopping wasn't all that easy, mind you. I had to cope with my siblings first. Sam had given me grief about playing Annie, but had tired of the game when I didn't react. Dance lessons and wearing a leotard with a dance belt - which did make me look like a girl even without a skirt - brought a brief renewal of the taunts, but Mom stomped down on that pretty hard.

The whole dress shopping and going to dinner as a girl gave my annoying little brother a whole new scope for his smartass remarks. As a sophisticated eleven-year-old, I first tried to answer his childish taunts with a haughty disdain. You can guess how well that worked, with my red curls bobbing as I threw my head back like I had seen actresses do in the movies. Hint - don't try this at home! Dad finally threatened to make Sam get a dress, too, if he didn't shut up, which gave me some peace at last.

Then Kate pointed out that it would look odd if Danny came in to buy a dress. This resulted in me starring in a fashion show wearing some of Kate's outgrown clothes, trying to find something that made me look more like a girl. Naturally, she hadn't kept anything that would work for a fancy dinner, but we did find a pair of purple sequined jeans. OK so far, but then Kate came up with a beige T-shirt with a unicorn on it. A very cute unicorn. With a butterfly on it's horn. The unicorn was jumping over a rainbow. I kid you not! I remembered her wearing the thing a few years ago.

"Kate?"

"Yes Danny?"

"Why is it that you saved this particular shirt and not something, well, a little less infernally cute?"

"I'm proud of you, little brother."

"What's that got to do with this T-shirt?"

"Not the shirt, watch the vocabulary. Not many eleven-year-olds could use 'infernally' properly in a sentence."

"I can use 'disgusting' in a sentence: my sister has disgusting taste in T-shirts."

"I've got one for you, Annie: My little brother is too finicky for his own good when he wants to look like a girl."

"Please, my good woman. As a professional actor I do not wish to look like a woman, I shall endeavor to become a woman on stage before my audience. You will note I am not trying to become a foolish child in a silly T-shirt."

I mostly stole those lines from one of the videos I had seen about acting, but I no longer remember who the famous actor was. Gielgud? Olivier? Somebody Shakespearean? Anyway, I thought it was the perfect comeback.

Kate collapsed on the floor choking with laughter.

I have to admit that I don't think any eleven-year-old could carry off a line like that, but I was naive back then. Clutching my new clothes to my non-existent bosom, I made what I hoped was a dignified exit when Kate shouted "Wait!"

When I saw her shit-eating grin I knew I was in trouble. She once again delved into her closet and emerged with her hands behind her back. I knew I was in deep trouble!

"What?" I asked.

"You might need this with that top," she grinned maliciously.

"Oh?"

"Yup! Here…"

With that she put a training bra on top of my pile of clothes and cackled a cackle that would have done the Wicked Witch Of The West proud.

As a sophisticated eleven-year-old, I simply stuck out my tongue at her and left, head held high.

 

I didn't know it then, but that evening would be a turning point in my life. As I looked at that training bra something clicked in my brain. Of course I knew that girls wore bras because they had breasts, but it had never seemed important to me before. A few years back I had listened to my sister agitating for her first bra because everyone else in school was wearing a bra!

Mom hit her with "Even the boys?" and Kate exclaimed "Mo-ther!" in tones that only an exasperated pre-teen girl can attain. It was always entertaining to hear Kate begging for something from the folks, even if I wasn't sure what a bra was or why Kate wanted one. It wasn't until a few months later, when I got the talk about boys and girls and the differences thereof, that I figured out what was going on. So then I knew that girls got breasts and boys didn't and girls wore a bra to help hold them up. Big deal! I couldn't have cared less. I didn't even notice when Kate started wearing her bra. Highly observant, that's me.

What a difference a few years can make! Playing Annie had made me very aware of the differences between boys and girls. Not that my body was anywhere near interested in the differences, but by trying to become Annie on stage I had started to understand - just a bit - what a girl must feel like. Actually, I rather enjoyed being 'one of the girls' at the dance class.

Looking at that bra had me actually noticing that girls had breasts. Kate had what I would learn were modest breasts. Mom had breasts noticeably larger than Kate's. Moira at the dance class had a large pair of breasts that bounced as she danced. I had seen them bouncing but it never really penetrated my awareness.

What would it be like to know you were going to have breasts when you grew up? Kate was starting to notice boys - a vast understatement! - and the boys certainly noticed her breasts. That brought back some eavesdropping when Kate and some girlfriends were complaining that boys always talked to their boobs. I had gotten this silly image of a pair of lips peeking out of some girl's blouse and talking back to the boy. I had to wonder why Patty was the one complaining when she wore blouses that let her breasts peek out of the top.

OK, I was an innocent. A few more years would cure me of that affliction.

Back to the bra now. With all these thoughts whirling around in my head I decided I should at least try on the bra and see what it felt like. After all, I was starting to enjoy wearing dresses, so why not a bra? I skinned off my shirt, unhooked the snaps and slipped it over my arms.

I may have been an innocent about breasts, but I had watched enough TV and seen enough lingerie ads to know how a bra went on. Like Sherlock Holmes pointed out, most people see but don't observe. I did both. After all, I had seen my mother wearing a bikini - which is nothing more than a fancy bra and panty set you can wear in public. It didn't take a genius to figure out how a bra went on. The snaps were a pain, but I got it on and looked in the mirror. I looked like a young girl in a bra, no doubt about it.

Why not try the outfit? I undressed (not the bra!) and put on a pair of Annie's panties. Of course I wore panties when I was Annie, boxers would ruin the flow of the dress. Nothing special, just white cotton panties under the purple jeans. Then white cotton socks with a ruffle and Annie's strappy shoes.

I brushed out my hair and went down to say hi to Mom and Dad. I was really curious what they would have to say about their extra daughter. Mom was on the computer so I pulled up a chair next to her and said in Annie's voice "Whatcha doin', Mom?"

It took a second before the voice penetrated, I did Annie a little higher than my normal voice and with a bit of New Jersey accent.

"Oh my god!"

"Pretty good, eh Mom?"

"Did your sister put you up to this?"

"Well, she gave me the clothes but…"

"But me no buts!"

"Well, I figured I ought to see if this would work to go to the mall on Wednesday."

"We may have to go by way of the Emergency room. My heart is palpitating."

"Kate says she knows CPR. Maybe I better call her."

"It will pass. You took me by surprise. It figures she kept that unicorn shirt - I had to threaten to burn it to get her to stop wearing it when it got too small."

"It is a bit over the top, isn't it?"

"Chip!" Mom called, "Come in here. You have to see this!"

"If Dad has heart problems I haven't learned CPR yet. Maybe I should get Kate down here."

"That is a very good idea."

So I went over to the stairs and called Kate. Naturally, Sam followed; he has a nose for excitement. As I turned around Dad came in from the living room and stopped dead when he saw me. I made sure to put in that extra wiggle I used as Annie as I walked back to Mom.

"Katherine Melissa Loesser! I distinctly remember telling you to destroy that sickly-sweet shirt. I am not going to have to burn my eyeballs on it until your sister outgrows it."

"Sorry, Dad."

"Just looking at it makes me want to test my blood sugar. I may become diabetic before we can buy Annie something more respectable."

Unlike me, Dad has done improv. I was distinctly jealous of his performance.

"Annie? Are you wearing a bra?" asked Mom.

"He is?" asked Sam.

"Samuel, when your sister is dressed like this the correct pronoun is 'her'." Mom pointed out. Hey - in the theatre you get to know these things.

"Kate gave me one, so I figured I needed to wear it."

"Just what I need, another fashion conscious daughter," moaned Dad.

"Only until Sunday dinner is over." I replied.

"Thanks be for small blessings!"

"To answer the question you asked some time ago," Mom continued, "You will be perfectly fine in that outfit when we go to the mall. In fact, I think I would like to take my daughter out to dinner before we go shopping. Call it practice for Sunday evening."

"No fair!" whined Sam. I want to go, too"

"Bad enough to wear a dress?" I asked innocently.

"No way!"

"I'm afraid it's a mother and daughter outing, Sam. Maybe you can get your Dad to take you out."

"Can we, Dad?"

"Sure, sport. Just you and me, man-to-man. We can go to a sports place and grunt at the TV while we eat."

"Has everyone gotten their homework done?" queried Mom.

No, I hadn't done my homework, I was busy getting dressed in my sister's clothes.

"I have a composition to work on. Can I use the computer?"

What's wrong with pen and paper?"

"It' so slow that way."

"You shouldn't have made them learn to touch type if you want to be able to use the computer yourself, dear," taunted Dad.

"We may have to consider getting a second computer sometime soon. It seems every time I turn around we need a computer to do something we absolutely have to do."

This was back in 2000, home computers weren't exactly unknown but had yet to become ubiquitous.

"Yeah!" enthused Sam. "Like play games!"

"Fat chance, kiddo."

"Awww Mom!"

"Awww Dad, too. If you want to play games go bowling."

"Sheesh!"

"OK, Annie. The computer's yours. Don't forget to save your work often. I don't want to hear wailing and moaning and 'the computer ate my homework!' "

 

So - did this count as my first night as Annie? I'd been dressing in girl's clothes for some time, but that was specifically for a role in a musical. That night was the first time I had worn girl's clothes for myself. It was the first night I'd worn a bra. Did that make a difference?

I don't know. By the time I started my homework I felt perfectly normal with the way I was dressed. The only time I noticed anything was when I leaned back on the chair and felt the hooks on my bra dig into my back. How could something so small feel like such a large lump?

I finished my first draft and joined the family for popcorn before going to bed and no one said a word about how I was dressed, even Sam. I had no idea how lucky I was to be part of a loving and liberal family as I started on my path to femininity.

Chapter 3 - Outfitting Annie

School on Wednesday took forever.

I was really looking forward to going out with Mom and Kate, and the idea of being Annie for the outing had moved from yeah, OK to this is going to be fun! Something had clicked when I saw myself as the girl version of me. On stage, Annie was a character, a role I was playing; off stage, the Annie I saw in the mirror was me as a different person.

That was a part of my excitement, but I have to say that the chance to eat junk food at the Food Court was just as exciting. Not that my family was fanatical about 'eating healthy,' but Ronald McDonald and I were at best distant acquaintances.

Not that I was ready to settle for a Happy Meal, but being able to choose from all those interesting places in the food court was keeping my mind far away from my schoolwork.

At last the final bell rang and I headed for the bus, clutching my books, mind only on going to the mall as Annie.

"Jesus Danno! You look like a girl hugging your books like that."

Damn! I got caught. I had drifted off into a fantasy-land inspired by those scholcky movies Mom and Dad like to watch - you know, the ones where the geeky boy and shy girl try to spark a romance and always end up doing something stupid before they get together and live happily ever after. Well, I was doing the scene where the girl (always in a tight fitting preppy sweater to show off her figure) was carrying her books clutched to her bosom after school. Then the geeky guy offers to carry them for her and usually ends up dropping them into a mud puddle. Maybe I should start writing stuff instead of acting.

That burst my bubble. No way I wanted Craig to carry my books.

"Better than having to see a chiropractor because my backpack broke my spine, dude."

"Man, that play is messing with your mind, Danno. Remember - you ain't a girl when you get off the stage."

"I'm not a girl, I just play one on TV, but I'd like to recommend you switch to Blowhard Tampons for that…"

"You're gross, dude!"

"You're grosser."

"Ain't that the guy that puts out the celery in the supermarket?"

"Nah, he's the guy that peas on the merchandise."

"Lettuce us stop this foolishness."

"Fine by me, I can't think of any more puns."

"Whew! Whatcha doing tonight?"

"Going shopping with my Mom."

"You poor fool!"

"It's not so bad, we're eating junk food at the food court."

"Well, I suppose…"

"Makes up for having to watch my sister agonize over what skirt she wants to buy."

"I'd hold out for ice cream if you have to go through all that."

"Not a bad idea. I wonder if I can stretch out trying on new stuff as long as they always do?"

"Not a chance. Gotta go - time for the bus"

"See ya, Craig.

Whew! That was close.

 

I was the first one to get home, as usual. Kate's bus arrived about twenty minutes after mine and Sam's about fifteen minutes before mine. Sam usually stopped off with his buddy Steve to hang out for a bit. To tell the truth, he played video games because Mom and Dad weren't too keen on them at home. Sure they realized what he'd been doing, but they just took that time into account when setting playing limits. Sam hadn't figured that out yet, though.

Me, I never did find video games all that interesting; I'd rather read or hang out with my friends. Since I was going to the arts & music magnet school my friends tended to be into the same things I liked to do, but somehow I lived far enough away from most of them that we didn't get together after school much at our homes. I've always wanted to learn to play an instrument, but with all the time I spent at the theatre somehow that never happened. Obviously I sing, and I was part of the school choir, so twice a week I stayed late for choir practice. Fortunately, the choir was on Tuesday and Thursday so there were no conflicts with my acting. It did keep me busy, though.

Being a Wednesday, I went upstairs and took a shower before changing clothes. I really couldn't tell you why I did - I wasn't all sweaty or anything. Somehow I just thought that was what a girl would do before she went out to the mall. I certainly wouldn't have showered if Danny was going to the mall, but it just felt right.

I put on my dance belt, then my panties and bra and looked at myself in the mirror. There was something fascinating in seeing Annie Loesser (as opposed to Annie Warbucks) looking back, wet hair and all. I borrowed Kate's blow dryer and dried my hair while watching myself in the mirror. I had seen the word 'voyeur' in a book somewhere and now I had some inkling of what the word meant. Even at eleven years old I realized that what I was doing was about as girly as I could get - and I loved it.

I heard the front door open about the time I turned the hair dryer off, so I quickly put on my jeans and top (which somehow didn't feel so over-the-top girly right then) and was tying my sneaks when Kate came in my room.

"Hey sis! Looking good."

"I hope so."

"Hey! That's my hair dryer!"

"Yeah. Works good."

"You little rat. Did I say I could use it?"

"I'm wearing your clothes, so why not use your hair dryer?"

"Get your own, squirt!"

"I'll ask Mom while we're at the mall."

"Don't do it again."

"Wear your clothes or use your dryer."

"Smartass. You wouldn't fit into the clothes I wear now."

"Save them for me?"

"What? You going to make this permanent?"

"As if…"

"I need to get ready, twerp. Behave yourself."

 

Having gotten the best of my sister I settled down to do my homework - no excuses allowed by the parents even if Mom was taking us out shopping. I had just about finished when Mom got home. She gave me a kiss and asked if I was ready for our big adventure.

You bet I was!

"OK girls. Eat first or shop first?" asked Mom.

"Eat!"

"Eat!"

"Ask a stupid question… All right, ten bucks for each and I want the change back. Annie?"

"Yeah"

"You do know that now you're a girl you need to live on salads and diet drinks, don't you?"

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!"

"That's one of the secrets we girls keep to ourselves. We have to constantly worry about how our bodies look and that means we're always on a diet."

"Wait a minute! Are you telling me that because I'm wearing different clothes I can't eat pizza?"

"Sad but true, darling."

If Kate hadn't lost it then I might have swallowed the whole thing - without salad dressing. Mom is really good at telling tall tales.

"Darn it, Kate! I almost had her believing it!"

"Just for that I'm going to order a whole pizza with everything!"

"Seriously though, think twice about eating anything with tomato sauce - you don't want to stain your clothes."

"I thought you wanted to get rid of this shirt?"

"Oh, then go ahead and order double sauce and dig in! We can always get you a new blouse."

"Mom!" wailed Kate.

"See if you can order butterfly topping on the pizza, Annie."

"I'll settle for anchovies, but a salad with the pizza sounds good, too."

"See - order a salad and your meal automatically becomes healthy. Bet you didn't know that."

"Is that another of those girl secrets?"

"Sure is."

"Then I guess I'll just have to stay a girl until I learn all the things I need to know."

"That would certainly be interesting tomorrow at school."

"Oh."

"Such things take a lot of planning. How long did it take you to be comfortable as Annie on stage?"

"Right. I get it."

"Then get some pizza so we can actually do some shopping."

 

"I need help, Mom. I haven't a clue about what I should wear for dinner with a bigwig."

"Teaching you about fashion must have slipped my mind."

"Like having an extra daughter slipped your mind?"

"Where did you find her, by the way? Back of the closet? Under the stairs?"

"Ran into her on stage and she asked me to dance."

"From what Moira was saying you're a very good student."

"I do like the Irish dancing. Too bad I didn't discover it when I was small enough to be a contender. Moira says if I wanted to compete I should have been dancing when I was just out of diapers and started serious training when I was maybe seven."

"Sort of like they say about Olympic competitors - you have to start before you're old enough to know if you want to compete. If you're enjoying dancing then just learn what you can and have fun with it."

"I like that. Besides, if I started when I was little I'd have been dancing as a boy. I like dancing as a girl, the dresses are really neat. It wouldn't be so easy wearing pants."

"Somehow we didn't foresee any of this when we encouraged you to try out for Annie. It just seemed it would be a waste of that beautiful hair if you didn't."

"Just because I have red hair…"

"Because you have beautiful, curly, vibrant red hair. Are you really OK with all this, Danny?"

"Sure, Mom. It's like having a secret identity. Better than being Spiderman because putting on a dress is a whole lot easier than that stretchy costume."

"I always wondered what he did with his regular clothes after he put on the Spidy suit. Somebody would be sure to come along and scarf them while he was hanging off that web."

"Don't forget his shoes. They'd be even harder to hide. Maybe Spidy leaves his clothes in an air conditioner on the top of those tall buildings."

"I hope he doesn't use the air inlet! Stinky shoe smell through the entire building. They'd have to evacuate. Just you remember to put your clothes in the closet, Missy."

"Yeah Mom…"

"This is not getting you a dress."

"Yeah, and if we take too long Kate will try to buy out the store."

"Good thing this is a junior's shop or I might give her some competition."

"You going to teach me how to shop like a girl?"

"First lesson, start from the inside out. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you need a new bra. That old one of Kate's is the wrong size."

"It does feel a little loose."

"Your bra should be a bit snug. Not that you'll ever have to worry about having breasts to support, but the proper size band will be more comfortable it will stay put better. Ready to get measured?"

"Measured?"

"We ask the sales lady to measure your chest so we know what size you need."

"The tag says my bra is a large, so I suppose I should try a medium."

"Hey! Who's teaching who here?"

"Doesn't the Bible say something about a little child shall lead them?"

"Look it up when we get home. Right now, look for a bra. You see anything you like?"

"Not something I put much thought into."

"Plain white should be best, you can think about colors later."

"Will there be a later?"

"I wasn't thinking. You make such a good daughter I forgot."

"This one looks OK."

"Want help to try it on?"

"I figured out how to do it all by myself with this one."

"Children grow up so fast! One second they're babies and the next second they're putting on their own bras."

 

"Look OK, Mom?"

"Does it feel good?"

"Yeah, it does. That's weird but I kinda like wearing a bra."

"You do?"

"It's… comfortable, I guess."

"Maybe there will be a later if that's the case."

"Would it freak you out?"

"You sound like your grandmother. I haven't been freaked out in years. No, you're the one that has to be satisfied, our job is to support you as long as you aren't doing something that will hurt you or get you killed. If you keep wearing a dress it might get you some nasty remarks, though."

"It already has. I don't like it, but the people who are nasty aren't the kind of people I want to be with, anyway."

"Be careful, Annie. If anything worries you be sure to tell us. There are some people out there that think it's OK to hurt anyone who is different. I don't want you to get hurt."

"Me either. Can I think about if there will be a next time?"

"Of course. Now we need to be thinking about a dress. Since this is dinner at a very nice place, a dress is what you should wear. If it were at a casual place then trousers and a blouse would be OK, but we want to impress our prospective Angel."

(If you aren't up on Theatre terms, an Angel is someone with the money to fund the production. For a professional production, they make money if the show is a hit and lose money if it flops. For our amateur theatre the chances of an Angel making money are the same as a snowball's chance in the place that Angels don’t frequent.)

So we looked at dresses. Mom tried to tell me about the various styles and what would look good on me. I was a tall, skinny kid, so Mom said that my hemline should be a little above the knee, but not too much. After all, I was only eleven! A dress with a tie would help me look like I had some curves even if I didn't, as the tie would make the eye think it was a waistline.

She had lots of other suggestions, but was careful not to overwhelm me. We found two dresses that might work, one a white with a green flower print and the other a plain deep blue. Mom said those were colors that worked with my red hair and light complexion. I was trying to decide when I heard "Katherine Melissa Loesser, over my dead body!"

I turned around to see my sister Kate in a bikini with the tags hanging off it. Having so recently become acutely aware that girls had breasts, that fact was brought home by Kate's breasts that were thoroughly on display. My first reaction was surprise; up until then the fact that Kate was a young woman had escaped me; she was just Kate.

My second reaction was - frankly - jealousy. My newly awakened awareness of my own femininity had me wishing I could have breasts like that when I grew up. It was a good thing Mom was pissed at Kate and ignoring me, because my confusion must have shown like a beacon. Did I really want to be a girl like my sister?

No time to follow that thought, Kate stomped off to the dressing rooms and Mom handed me both dresses and told me to try them on. I could hear Kate muttering in the booth next to me as I stripped off my clothes and put on the dress. After learning how to hook a bra behind my back, tying a bow behind my back was child's play, and I was a child. I left Kate still muttering and walked out to show Mom.

She stood there with a saleslady who had been attracted by the vocal skirmish. From their smiles I figured out the dress was a good fit for me. I got to see myself in the mirror and was commanded to twirl around and pose this way and that, which reminded me of posing as Annie for the publicity pictures.

"Very nice, Annie, but those sneakers will never do. We need to get you something that is a lot more dressy."

So we went to the shoe department and I tried on a lot of shoes while still wearing the dress. Mom and the saleslady finally decided on a pair of black patent leather pumps with just a little bit of heel. Back we went to the changing rooms where we found Kate sulking. I almost blew it by pointing and saying 'pouty lip' but good sense prevailed. I figured I didn't want Mom mad at me.

So, back into the changing room and reprise my twirling and posing. I couldn't decide which dress I wanted and neither could Mom, they both looked good.

"There's only one thing to do in a case like this," announced Mom. "We'll get them both. Your father can take us all out to dinner tomorrow and you can wear one of the dresses then and the other on Sunday."

"Mom!" wailed Kate. "Don't I get a new dress, too?"

"If you hadn't wasted your time with that silly bikini you would have been able to find one. It's too late now, Annie is finished shopping."

Jeez - I had been her sister for only a couple of hours and already she hated me.

Tough.

And by the way, we weren't done shopping, Before I got out of there I had a blue training bra to go with the blue dress and a package of new panties. And hair ribbons. Just what every eleven-year-old boy dreams of getting.

Well, this one, anyway.

Chapter 4 - Annie And The Angel

I wore my new print dress home at Kate's insistence - she thinks that having a sister could be fun. Dad and Sam did some silly grunting and chest pounding thing when we got home to prove how great their men's night out was, but we sophisticated women just ignored the gorillas in the living room. We women had better things to do, like finish my homework and go to bed; after all it was a school night. Looking back as an adult having to go to bed so early shocks me, but back then I really did need the sleep. That school bus came awful early.

Thursday was a normal school day, but a bit frustrating. I wanted to tell someone about my new dress, but who could I tell? I didn't really have a 'best friend' who I could tell all my secrets to. Even if I did I don't think there would be too many eleven year old boys who would get excited about me getting a dress. Two dresses, even.

The teasing about playing Annie on stage had just about died down by Thursday. I wasn't about to give anyone more ammunition, so I just shut up and tried to learn whatever the teachers were trying to teach.

I did look at the dresses when I got home, but left them in the closet. I tried on the blue bra just for fun, but put it back in the drawer.

The performances on Friday and Saturday were sellouts, word had gotten around. I had even gotten my picture in the paper sitting on Daddy Warbuck's knee while FDR gazed paternally upon the perky orphan and her adoptive father. I had to laugh because FDR was my real adoptive father and I didn't know Daddy Warbucks all that well.

The Sunday matinee was our most enthusiastic audience yet, we all got some great energy from the audience and I felt like I was singing better than I ever had. We got three curtain calls and I got a forth one all by myself. I would gladly have been Annie for the rest of my life after all that.

In a way I got a start at being that Annie because it was Annie Loesser who emerged from the dressing room in her deep blue dress, ready to go out with our potential Angel. Kate helped me get ready and I even brushed her hair for her. It really did feel like we were sisters, sharing something very special that we never had as Danny.

Our angels were Ralph and Liz Pennington, who were big in Real Estate in town. Dad had to tell me just what Real Estate was, I knew the words but they didn't make sense to me.

The Real part comes from the Latin Realis, meaning existing and true. Real was Middle English legalese for immovable property - like a house - as opposed to personal property - like clothing or furniture.

The Estate part comes from the Latin or French word status for status or condition combined with the French estat, which means to stand. Which is just a fancy say of saying Real Estate is the land and the buildings on it.

Sometimes asking dad questions gets you more than you bargained for.

So that's how I found out our Angels bought and sold properties. They also owned apartment buildings and warehouses and stuff like that, which didn't mean too much to me at the time. I did understand they had money and wanted to give some of it to the theatre, which meant I could be up on stage acting.

I didn't really mind if they thought I was a real girl, I was starting to wonder if maybe I was more girl than boy. I had no idea how lucky I was to live in a family and community that was LGBTQ friendly, although in later life I found out how unusual that was.

But back to the dinner. We walked into the door of Cibo Matto, which sounds really fancy and foreign but is really Italian for Crazy Food. I was really expanding my vocabulary going out to dinner that Sunday. It was an Italian restaurant and pizzeria, which made me remember Mom's warning about tomato sauce and nice dresses. I was going to have to be very careful.

Dad held the door for us women and gave me an ironic bow as I entered. Mr and Mrs Pennington were there to meet us and I got my hand shaken by Mr Pennington and an air kiss from Mrs Pennington. I found out I was absolutely adorable in my new dress, Kate was a beautiful young woman and Mom was simply ravishing.

Here I thought we were supposed to be buttering them up, not the other way around. I guess you've figured out by now I was a rather cynical child. But absolutely adorable, right?

Actually, it didn't take long for Mr Ralph Penning to become Mr P, he was that kind of guy. I had to hide the snicker that came automatically at the name Mr P. I was, after all, a eleven-year-old boy despite my pretty dress; toilet humor was still funny to me.

I was surprised by Mr. P, he wasn't anything like the rich guys I had in my head. On TV and in books, Rich Guys were usually the villain, the one who had to learn his lesson in order to become a decent human being. Just think of Scrooge - I did play Tiny Tim when I was younger. Then there was the Grinch.

Mr P was kind of like talking to your Grandpa, and yes - I did consider my adoptive parent's parents to be my grandparents. He drew all of us kids out while we were eating, not just me. I could tell he was just as in love with the theatre as I was and we had a great time.

After we had finished dessert he hit us with the big surprise. He did offer the theatre some nice financing (they didn't talk dollars in front of us kids, though) but Mr P gets this serious look and looks at me.

"Annie, did you know I'm on the board of the Ursuline Academy?"

Ursuline Academy was the exclusive all-girl school in the town.

"Uh, no. I didn't." I stammered.

"We're always looking for talented young women to attend the Academy and I would hope you might consider becoming one of our students next semester."

And that's where things got sticky. Way beyond what any eleven year old boy who is just discovering his feminine side would be able to cope with. Mom and Dad were blindsided and Kate was trying hard not to burst out laughing. Sam - he was just Sam, not really paying attention to what was being said.

"I don't know anything about your family finances, but we do offer scholarships to qualified and promising students such as yourself, Annie. Money would not be a problem."

He went on to extol the virtues of the Ursuline Academy and how it would benefit a fine young woman like myself. Me? In a girl's school?

This gave Mom and Dad some time to recover and, when Mr P had finished, Mom said "Ralph, there is something you should know before we go any further. Annie is transgendered."

Now that was a conversation stopper. It was the first time I had heard that word in my life. I picked up on the 'gender' part of it so I figured it had something to do with me not being a real girl, but I wasn't about to ask for a definition right then.

"Well I'll be damned!" said Mr P.

"You probably will, but remember there are children present, Ralph." admonished Mrs P.

"Oh. Sorry. I had no idea."

"Which is just as it should be," answered Dad. "Annie is exactly who she needs to be and that's just fine with us. What other people think might affect us, but it will not make us reconsider how much we love and support Annie."

"Which is exactly the kind of attitude we want to instill in the students at Ursuline. Annie would not be our first transgender student, nor will she be our last."

I was still wondering what transgender meant.

"Obviously we would have to talk this over with the family, so we can't give you an answer right now."

"Nor would I expect you to. Check out our web site so you can get an idea of what Ursuline is all about. I can arrange for you to talk to other students and parents if you like. We wouldn't want you going into this without knowing everything you can."

"We appreciate that, Ralph," answered Dad. "It's a very generous offer and it needs serious consideration."

"Then take your time and give me a call if you have questions or are ready to give me an answer."

"We will."

 

When we got back to the car, Dad looked at Mom and said "Well, I didn't see that coming!"

"You and me both. I suppose that includes Annie, too."

"Dad? What's transgender mean?"

"In your case it means you think you are a girl who was born in a boy's body. Transgendered people usually want to make changes in their body so they look and feel more like the person they want to be. Many will have surgery to change their genitals. Most will take hormones that will let their body develop as the think it should. Men will take female hormones that will let them grow breasts and widen their hips. Women will take testosterone so they grow beards and help their body develop more like a man's. If the woman has breasts she might have them surgically removed. It's a very complicated subject.

"So am I transgendered?"

"Only you can decide that, Annie, and you don't have to decide right away. You seem to have enjoyed being a girl for the last few weeks, but that's certainly not long enough to decide to change your whole life."

"I guess."

"Honey, I don't think any of us were ready to think about you going to a girl's school, let alone trying to be a girl for the rest of your life."

"It sounds crazy!" piped up Sam.

"Not crazy, there are people who need to make these changes in order to be happy and live a full life. It's something you're born with, like being tall or short or being gay. Things that are not right or wrong, nor are they crazy or sane. They just are."

"I don't know…"

"It isn't easy, Sam. Don't worry, as you grow up you'll be able to understand."

"If you say so."

"I do say so. Don't worry, son."

"And you don't worry either, Annie. Things are going to work out fine."

"I wonder what it would be like to go to a girl's school?"

"Couldn't tell you, kid," answered Mom. "I went to a plain old regular school with boys and everything."

"Me either, squirt," smirked Kate. "I wouldn't want to go to a school without any boys. Borrr-ingggg!"

"We aren't going to figure this out tonight, so let's just do whatever you need to do tonight. Remember, school day tomorrow."

"Borrr-ingggg!"

 

Monday morning was anything but boring when Dad started reading the newspaper at breakfast. His eyes kind of bugged out and he said "Danny! Wait till you read this review!"

"What review, Dad?"

"The theatre critic reviewed yesterday's performance and you're going to be amazed."

He handed me the paper and I read:

I have to apologize to my readers that family responsibilities kept me out of town for the past two weeks, which meant I was unable to review the Periactus Players production of Annie while you could still see the show. I did make it to the final performance and it certainly upholds the traditional high standards of this amateur group of players. I have to apologize for using the word 'amateur' because, while all the players do this for the love of it, they certainly are professionals in every sense of the word.
 
Producing a show like Annie, where the entire production is dependant on the talents of a child, is always a gamble. In this case, the entire cast should immediately board a plane for Las Vegas because they have shown themselves to be very professional gamblers, as well as actors.
 
Young Annie Loesser simply shines as Annie, curly red hair and retro red dress and all. Her timing is impeccable, her range of emotion as the scrappy orphan becomes the darling of Franklin D Roosevelt is amazing and her voice is perfect for the role. This young lady has quite a future as an actress.
 
It seems that she comes by her talent honestly, the entire Loesser family was represented in the cast. I'm just sorry I couldn't interview this paragon, but I'm sure that we will see more of her in the future.

There was more, praising the entire company, but I was amazed that this guy thought I was actually a girl. After all, we didn't actually hide that I am a boy, but we didn't scream it to the hills either. Jeez - first an invitation to an all girl's school, then I'm a famous actress at eleven.

I was starting to wonder if the Universe was trying to tell me something.

Chapter 5 - Choices And Changes

Take a minute to think back to when you were eleven years old. That's sixth grade if you're in the US. If you're from someplace else you'll have to figure it out for yourself where you were in school. Some things seem to be burned indelibly into the synapses of my brain, but even the things you think you remember perfectly aren't quite the same as the things other people who were there remember.

Since nobody but me was in my bed as I tossed and turned that night, I can say that I remember that night perfectly and no one can dispute me.

Grandpa tells me that he remembers sixth grade very clearly, which impressed the heck out of me because back then I thought he was old!

The thing he remembers most was the class having to do a group project about the culture of a foreign country. His group got Spain. His group also got the class jerk, who didn't even try to do his part, but they were graded as a group.

Each group was supposed to come up with a four minute skit about their country, so they did a bullfight. Grandpa tells me that back then bullfighting was considered a sport and not heartless animal abuse. Grandpa got to be the bull, Sally was the picador, Charlie was the toreador, Jenny the beautiful maiden with a rose in her teeth for the bullfighter. Sue was the announcer who explained what was going on. All Jimmy the Jerk had to do was hand the toreador a pair of paper bull's ears once he won the fight.

Everything went wrong. The picador had a drumstick tied with ribbons for his lance and practically skewered Grandpa by stabbing him too hard. The toreador tripped on his cape and floored the picador, who landed on the bull. The beautiful maiden stabbed her lip because nobody thought to remove the thorns from the rose. Sue lost her place in the script when Jenny screamed and Jimmy the Jerk forgot to bring the ears so the play was a complete bust.

Yeah, Grandpa remembers being eleven years old, all right.

By the way, Grandpa's group won first place because everybody thought it was supposed to be slapstick and the class laughed themselves silly.

Now Dad, he remembers being eleven years old for a different reason. That's when he met Mom. Her family moved into the school district part way through the year and Mom ended up with the desk next to Dad. Does that count as another coincidence like I started this story with? Who cares, both Mom and Dad remember being eleven years old very clearly.

The problem is, Dad swears Mom was wearing a red dress while Mom says she was wearing a black sweater and a red pair of culottes. They've honed that argument into a funny story after telling it over and over for years on end, but neither one will give an inch as to what they remember.

Which brings us to me. Obviously I remember being eleven years old very clearly or you wouldn't be reading this. In particular, I remember the night where I was offered a chance to attend an all-girl's school as a girl.

It took a long time to get to sleep that night because I was thoroughly confused. Not only had I just recently started to notice the difference between boys and girls, but I really liked doing the things girls were supposed to do. Now a really high-powered rich guy thought I was such a promising girl that he thought I belonged in a fancy girl's school.

Did I?

Was I transgendered?

I worked hard to commit that word to memory. A bit of a tongue-breaker, but it sounded cool. 'Hi, I'm Annie and I'm transgendered. Aren't you impressed?'

Sort of scientific sounding. To a kid who still considered sex to be pretty much irrelevant, this was a heavy thought. Then I laughed because I was starting to sound like Grandpa when I thought that.

Like I said, it took a long time to get to sleep.

After all the excitement of the musical, things kind of returned to normal. Not that it got boring, because I still had the dance classes. I really enjoyed the step dancing so I kept on after the musical was over. A couple of weeks later, Aileen invited me to her eleventh birthday party, which was a bit of a surprise as we had only known each other in the dance class, but we had started learning some of the two dancer routines and we were usually partners.

I found out where she lived and checked with Dad, who was picking me up that evening, and he said OK after meeting Aileen and her mother. As we were leaving, Aileen turned to me and said "Wear something really pretty, won't you Annie?" and she was gone.

Dad just looked at me and said "She thinks you're a girl, doesn't she, Dan?"

"Yeah, they all do."

"Have you been thinking about the Pennington's offer for the Ursuline Academy?"

"Sort of, Dad."

"Sort of?"

"They're times when I feel like I'm a girl and times when I feel like a boy. It's confusing."

"I bet it is. Maybe it's time to talk to a counsellor about the whole thing."

"You mean a shrink?"

"Some of them are psychiatrists, but not all. Is it all right if your Mom and I try to find someone who you can talk to about the whole Danny and Annie thing?"

That's one of the many reasons I loved my Dad - he didn't just say 'you're going to do this,' he asked.

"I guess…"

"So it looks like you get to wear that other dress your Mom bought for you after all. Moms have a way of seeing the future more clearly than us mere men."

"Does that mean I get to know the future if I decide I want to be Annie?"

"Don't ask me - I'm stuck as a male and can't tell the future."

 

One part of the future was predictable - if I was going to a birthday party then I needed a birthday present. Since I didn't know Aileen all that well, I really didn't know what she would like, so I asked Mom.

"A birthday present, huh? If you were Kate I'd just say 'think of what you would like and get it for her' but that wouldn't work too well for you, would it Danny."

"Mooommm!"

OK, I was into dramatics. Why else would I be playing a girl on stage? I thought I had read the line with great emotion.

"Have you asked her the kind of things she likes?"

"Uh, no…"

"Then maybe you should call her up and ask her."

"Oh."

I think Mom was trying to tell me it was time I solved my own problems and not relying on her to fix things.

"Do you have her phone number?"

"Yes. She gave me her number and their address."

"So, there's the phone. Pick it up and start dialing."

So I took our new cordless phone (a big deal at the time!) into the dining room for privacy and called Aileen. I whined a bit about my parents, asked her what she liked, then listened as she told me everything that had happened that day, which had me telling her what my day was like and she told me…

Well, you get the idea. I wasn't even a teenager yet, but I hogged the phone for close to an hour, when Dad came by and gave me the look. Before I could go much further the phone started beeping to warn me about the battery, so I finally hung up and brought the phone back to the kitchen to charge.

"I think that about settles it," Mom told me.

"Settles what?" I asked.

"You are definitely becoming a girl. Only girls talk for hours on the phone."

"Mooommm!"

"We really do have to call that counselor before you start reading teen heartthrob magazines or something."

"I can just borrow Kate's if it gets that bad."

"Just a warning - you can't wear makeup until you're fourteen unless you're on stage."

"Mooommm!"

I love you Danny - or Annie - or whatever. Do you have any ideas for Aileen's birthday present?"

"She likes stuffed animals and Cabbage Patch dolls."

"Then it shouldn't be too hard to find something for her."

"I suppose. Can you take me shopping again?"

"I suppose."

"Mooommm!"

"So is Danny brave enough to buy a stuffed doll or a Cabbage Patch baby or am I taking Annie?"

"I never thought of that."

"Get's complicated, doesn't it?

"You got that right!"

"Think about it and let me know."

 

Mom? What do you think I should wear?"

"Clothes."

"Mooommm!"

"It's not like Annie has a huge selection of clothes, is it?"

"Yeah, right…"

"Your dresses are a bit fancy for a trip to Target, so…"

"The purple jeans?"

"Not a bad choice. You could wear one of Danny's T-shirts with the jeans."

"No unicorn?"

"If you insist!"

"I think I can find something less - uh - less…"

"Girly? Saccharine?"

"Disgusting?"

"Works for me."

"OK by me. I should have something that will go with purple pants."

"Color matching, yet! Your femininity is showing."

"What's the use of trying to look like a girl if my femininity isn't showing?"

"Good question, that. I suppose you could pick out a few casual clothes if you are serious about being Annie."

"Could I?"

"I just said so, didn't I?"

"Oh…"

"Go get dressed, squirt," Mom said as she gave me a hug. So I got. I hesitated a bit, but decided that I should wear my bra if I was going to be Annie. I decided that my Lovely Complex T-shirt was a good choice, I really liked Risa from the story.

"Do we get to eat dinner out tonight?" I asked Mom.

"You OK with a salad?"

"Mooommm!"

"Whine, whine, whine. Some girl you are if you don't eat salads."

"I don't see you eating salad for dinner all too often."

"Do as I say and not as I do?"

"I thought Dad had banned that from our vocabularies."

"So he did. I guess that means we'll have to go out for dinner."

"McDonalds?"

Hey - I was eleven years old, McDonald's was gourmet food at that age..

"You really want a kid's meal?"

"Mooommm!"

"It's Friday, what say we find a fish fry?"

"Sounds good to me."

"With a salad, of course."

"Does coleslaw count as a salad?"

 

We went to Mom & Dad's favorite seafood restaurant - Captain Jack's. In the warm weather you can sit at picnic tables outside and consume their steamed feast - a big bucket of shrimp, lobster, crab, scallops and who knows what else that is steamed in this cool machine that spits and sputters while it cooks your dinner. In the summer, potato salad and coleslaw are the preferred sides, but since it was fall we ate inside and had the fish fry.

Despite Mom's teasing about salads, she had her fish slathered in tartar sauce and pigged out on the fries. Me, I liked lots of malt vinegar and onion rings. Not that some snitching didn't happen, but it was fun having dinner with just Mom. When the waitress brought the check she informed Mom that she had a perfectly lovely daughter who was so neat and polite.

I was starting to think that being a girl wouldn't take much effort if everyone just looked at me and saw a girl. I mean, I was wearing my regular old T-shirt and I suppose some boys might wear purple jeans - but not with sequins. Was I broadcasting 'girl' or something?

Once we were in the car after eating, I asked Mom "What's it like being a girl?"

"Oh boy! I don't know how to answer that. What's it like being a boy?"

"Do I get a free pass next time I answer your question with a question?" I asked.

"Not a chance. Adults get the free pass, kids are stuck having to answer questions."

"That's not…"

"... fair!" she finished for me.

"Sorry kid, fair is a place where you ride rides until you puke and eat hotdogs with mustard."

"Huh?"

"That's right - we haven't taken you guys to a fair yet, have we?"

"I don't think so."

"You'd remember. We'll have to fix that next summer and go to the State Fair. We get so busy in the summer I guess that's one of the things we forgot to do."

"You didn't answer the question."

"You're right. I don't know if there's an answer, every girl is different just like every boy is different. I think it's wonderful you're exploring what being a girl is like - most boys wouldn't be willing to try to understand.

"There are the simple things like biology - boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. There are cultural things like men do heavy work because they're usually bigger and stronger and girls raise families and do the dishes at home. It used to be that boys wore pants and girls wore skirts, but that isn't so true any more. Those kind of cultural things made sense when people were living in tribes and just trying to survive, but the way things are now means that the 'men are strong and women have babies' stuff doesn't make so much sense any more.

"Grandpa says the world is going to heck in a handbasket because of women's liberation."

"He does that just to get a good argument going. Grandpa changed my diapers when I was a baby and did a lot of things that many men back then thought made him a sissy. Your grandpa was my biggest supporter when I was going for my PhD. He's a liberated man if there ever was one."

(Mom is a Doctor of Historic Preservation, which didn't mean much to me back then.)

"So he's a man who does things people think girls should do?"

"That's a fair statement, but only part of who Grandpa is. Have you noticed how people change depending on who they're with?"

"I… I'm not sure."

"Think of it like this. How does one of your friends act when he's with you, then how does he act with a teacher or with a girl?"

"I get it. I never really thought about it like that."

"Most people don't. Most boys wouldn't be interested in how it feels to be a girl. Certainly most boys wouldn't put on a dress and sing on stage as a girl. They wouldn't even wear a leotard and take dance lessons."

"Does that make me weird?"

"That makes you you. That makes you a caring person if you're willing to be a girl for your friend at her birthday. It makes you unusual, but our whole family is unusual. Being adopted makes you unusual. Being an actor makes you unusual. Being an A student makes you unusual. Having red hair makes you unusual. None of that says anything about how good a person you are, and that's what counts."

"It just seems all of a sudden I make a better girl than I do a boy."

"It's a little soon to be sure of that, honey. If you're comfortable with presenting as a girl then there's nothing wrong with learning how it feels to be a girl. You have a long time to explore and see what makes sense for you. Don't do anything because you think someone else wants you to be a girl or a boy or whatever."

"What else is there?"

"I think that's one of those things you need to be a little older before we discuss it. That gets very complicated, indeed."

"I hate it when you say that."

"And I hated it when my parents told me the same thing. Guess what - parents win and kids get to wait. Now go ahead and say it and get it over."

"Huh?"

"It's not fair!"

"Mooommm!"

 

"I don't know, Mom."

"That's why you go to school, so you will know."

"Mooommm!"

"What don't you know, Annie?"

"What should I wear to a girl party?"

"Did your friend say anything about what to wear?"

"She said 'wear something nice'."

"Which leaves us lots of choice,eh?"

"But what am I choosing. I don't know what a girl would think is nice."

"So think a minute. You've got a sister, what does she wear to a nice party?"

"I really didn't notice."

"Well, what did she wear when we went out to dinner?"

"A white blouse and a lilac skirt that you and Dad thought was too short."

"See - you can remember what she wore and what the occasion was. What were you wearing?"

"My green dress."

"And what was I wearing?"

"A gold dress with a black belt and a sort of U-shaped neckline. Your skirt wasn't as short as Kate's."

"I should hope not. You certainly have an eye for what girls are wearing. Have you been looking at Kate's fashion magazines?"

"A little bit, but I don't think a lot of those things look very good."

"We can agree on that. Maybe when you're old enough to date I won't have to argue about the length of your skirt."

"Mooommm!"

"Sorry, honey. I can't help it, you make such a cute girl."

"I know. Sometimes I wonder why."

"I don't know if there's an answer to that question. There is an answer to the question as to what you should wear to the party. 'Pretty' is usually a code word for a skirt or dress if you're a girl."

"I guess you don't tell boys to be pretty."

"Unless they're like you."

"Mooommm!"

"You're going to wear that word out."

"They're going to close the store if you don't stop making bad jokes."

"Now she criticizes my humor."

"What humor?"

"You're bad!"

"I'm a good girl."

"So you are. So what do you like?"

"There don't seem to be many skirts here, though."

"Think a moment - how often do you see girls wearing skirts as opposed to wearing pants?"

"Uh, not that often?"

"Another girl lesson - girls don't wear skirts all that much these days. Skirts are more for dressing up. Pants are more comfortable, especially when it gets cold."

"That makes sense."

"So finding a skirt for you might be a challenge."

"Where do we look? You're a lot taller than me, you can see farther."

"So I shall be your faithful scout, let's trek onward!"

"Mooommm!"

"I see some dresses, let's check over there."

"OK."

"Oh goodie! There's a sale rack - see if there's anything you like. You know your size."

At last! Sure, trading barbs with my mother was fun, but I was still a little nervous about buying girl's clothes right out in public. What if someone I knew came along? Sure, everyone at school knew I played Annie, but shopping for clothes in the girl's department would be something else.

Then again, I did like looking at the clothes and wondering how they'd look on me. Actually, I found several skirts and a couple of dresses that looked nice, some of them 70% off! Mom just held them and took me to the changing booth so I could try them on.

I knew the drill now, so I tried each one and came out so Mom could see, then changed into the next one. By the time I was done we had three skirts, two dresses and a pair of embroidered jeans that we both liked. Silly me - I was still mostly boy and figured that if we were shopping for a skirt for a party, then I had to choose which one I wanted and put the rest back. I had a lot to learn. I also had an understanding and generous mother.

Being on sale, she put them all in the cart and then we started looking at blouses to go with the skirts, which resulted in another fashion show. Nothing like this happened when Danny went shopping!

But we weren't finished. I cringe to think of it as an adult, but I was ecstatic to get several pairs of socks with girly cartoon characters on them. Danny wore mostly plain black socks because it didn't really matter if they matched anything. I was starting to get the idea of matching clothes and colors and having cute socks to pick from was neat. Mom just laughed and told me to wait until I was old enough to have to wear pantyhose, then she had to explain what they were. Hey - I was a bright eleven-year-old, but pantyhose were well outside my orbit.

Good thing it was a Friday night, otherwise I would have gotten home way past my bedtime. By the time we got out of there, Annie had the start of a very nice wardrobe. I was wondering just when and where I was going to be able to be Annie enough to make all those clothes worthwhile.

I think Mom was having more fun than I was buying me clothes. I wore the cream colored skirt and a green blouse home from the store, along with a butterfly in my hair and a gold locket around my neck. Yeah, Mom was really into the whole thing. When I saw myself in the mirror I really liked the person that looked back at me. Maybe this whole girl's school thing would be good after all."

Sam was in bed by the time we got home and Kate was still over at her friend's house. Dad just shook his head and moaned theatrically about having to put up with another teenage drama queen. I told him I wasn't a teenager yet, but he just kept whining. I told you he had done improv - he was really into his character.

So we hung out watching TV until Kate got home, I really wanted to see what she had to say. I can admit that now, but I really wanted my big sister to approve of me as Annie. As Danny I didn't really care, but as Annie I wanted to be a girl that Kate liked. Strange stuff.

Kate finally got home with seconds to spare for her 10:00 curfew and she squealed and gave me a big hug. She approved and I was very happy. I could get to like being Annie if this kept up!

Chapter 6 - Party Time

Saturday morning I woke up and I just couldn't help it - with all those new clothes still in the bags I just had to wear them. The party wasn't until two in the afternoon, but I really wanted to try on some of my new things.

I took my time picking out what I wanted to wear and finally decided on a pink skirt and white top. I wore my Minnie Mouse socks and the pair of black shoes and put on the locket that Mom had gotten me last night. I was going to put in a hair ribbon but I couldn't quite get it tied up right by myself, so I figured I'd have to ask Kate or Mom to do it for me after breakfast.

Sam held his nose when I came in to the kitchen and Kate just laughed.

"And good morning to you, too, baby brother."

"Sam, behave yourself!" Dad threatened.

"The play is over. You don't have to be a girl any more, Danny"

"What if I like being a girl, squirt?"

"Yucch!"

"I feel the same way every time I see you."

"Children! Enough!" commanded Mom. "You look lovely this morning, Annie. I'm sure that the other girls at the party will appreciate the care you took in picking an outfit."

"Thanks, Mom. I hoped it was good enough."

"For someone who's only trying to be a girl you didn't do half bad, sis." Kate said.

"Could you help me with the hair ribbon, Kate? I couldn't quite get it right."

"No problem, sis."

Sam didn't look happy but knew enough to keep his mouth shut. Kate fixed me up and we all had breakfast. After I helped with the dishes I realized there wasn't much to do until it was time for the party, so I found my book and sat down to read.

OK, I tried to read. I kept getting distracted by the clothes I was wearing. The hem of the skirt tickled my legs. Then the hooks on the back of my bra started digging holes in my spine. I wiggled around and found a more comfortable position. After a while my legs were getting chilly. It was fall and Dad hadn't turned up the furnace yet. It wasn't cold but my bare legs weren't happy. I started to read again and then one of my bra straps started to slide down my arm. I wiggled but it didn't help, so I unbuttoned a couple of buttons on my blouse and stuck a finger under the strap to bring it up again.

How girly was that? I mean, of all the things a boy never expected to be doing, straightening his bra strap must rate number one. This was getting annoying, I had maybe read two pages since I sat down. Just then, Sam came in and said "Do you still play video games even though you're my sister?"

"Sure, Sam. Mario?" I wasn't getting any reading done anyway.

"Fine with me."

"I call Luigi." As if I could get Sam to play anyone but Mario himself. Sneaky brother/sister tricks - make the kid think he won before the game starts. So OK, Sam can beat the pants (skirt?) off me at just about any video game. He was the addict, I just fooled around with them once in a while.

So Sam and I spent some time together until the party, I didn't want my little brother to think I was abandoning him just because I was starting to think like a girl.

 

It didn't hit me until Aileen opened the door that here I was about to spend the afternoon with a bunch of girls I didn't know and who all thought I was a girl. I didn't have a script to guide me. I didn't have any lines memorized. I didn't have any experience playing as a girl. What the heck was I doing?

That all got blown away when Aileen grabbed me in a big hug and cried "Annie! You came!"

"Well, you did invite me."

"I wasn't sure you'd come, but I wanted you to meet some of my friends."

"What? You didn't invite me just for the loot?"

"You're bad! Of course I didn't. What did you bring me?"

We both started laughing and I was relieved. This wouldn't be so bad.

"You're worse than my baby brother! 'What did you bring me?' You'll have to wait until your parents let you open your presents."

"That's mean!"

"I had to wait so you do too."

"C'mon, let me introduce you to my friends."

So I got to meet six other girls. I was glad Aileen had told me to wear something pretty, I would have felt out of place if I wore what I usually wear. Of course, if I wore my usual clothes nobody would believe I was a girl. Was that all it took to be a girl - just change your clothes?

OK I was young and innocent and I was just starting to realize I wasn't your usual eleven-year-old boy.

We played silly games that Aileen's mother had thought up. I had played silly games at boy's parties, but these games seemed to emphasize working together and helping each other. At boy's parties the games were more about competition, seeing who was best. Not that I realized that right away, but I figured it out with dad's help later. I knew there was something different about this party but wasn't really sure what it was.

After a few minutes I no longer thought about how I was dressed or whether I was a boy or a girl. I just had a fun time with my new friends and - of course - pigged out on cake and ice cream. That part doesn't change no matter if the guests are boys or girls or both.

Eventually the others learned that Aileen and I took Irish dancing together and everybody wanted to see what it looked like. Her folks had some Celtic music CDs so she put one on and we tried to do the steps we had been practicing together. There wasn't quite as much room to move around as we had at the dance studio, so we flubbed a few parts but the girls didn't really notice.

When we finished there was applause and there was Aileen's Dad in the doorway giving us a standing ovation. Since he was standing it had to be a standing ovation; an actor - or a dancer - won't turn down such approval even if it was accidental.

The afternoon passed quickly and I was surprised when the party was over; I was having so much fun I didn't want it to end. I was so involved with the girls that I didn't even notice when dad came by to pick me up. He must have been standing there for quite some time, just watching me as I hung out with the other girls. When someone poked me and told me my Dad was here it took a second to realize it was time to go.

Dad had quite a grin on his face. Much later told me that he was trying to process how his son was indistinguishable from all the little girls in the room. Somewhere in his brain he was telling himself that he was going to have to actually put his principles of equality of the sexes to the test.

I don't suppose I'm going to surprise anyone that he and Mom both passed that test, a test I didn't even know they were taking.

So I found my coat and waved goodbye to everyone. As I was leaving Aileen grabbed me and said "You have to come over sometime for a slumber party."

Well, that sort of penetrated my girly persona. Even at that young age I knew that girls and boys didn't share bedrooms. Dad saved me and said that we would talk about it when we got home, so I didn't have to answer.

It was an interesting question, though.

 

Chapter 7 - Doctor Phil

After the excitement of the party on Saturday, Sunday was sort of ho-hum. I just hung out - as Danny - and did the stuff I normally did on the weekend. Monday was back to school and for the next little while Annie was a fond memory. Every once in a while I'd see one of my dresses in the back of the closet and think about putting it on, but I resisted.

About a week later, Dad took me aside and told me I had an appointment with a gender therapist. I took that with mixed feelings. On one hand, what kid wants to do see a doctor. Once again coincidence stuck my young life, as I was to see Doctor Phil McGraw. Dr Phil had a whole bunch of letters after his name, but in the year 2000 the TV star Dr Phil was only a minor part of the Oprah Winfry show. I suppose it was a good thing that our family never watched Oprah. It wouldn't be too long before his name became a professional burden, but that was in the future.

I had mixed feelings, but I really did enjoy being Annie and wearing those dresses in my closet. Mixed feelings aside, if Mom and Dad said I was going, then I was going. The good part was it would be almost Thanksgiving before he had an appointment available so I just kind of forgot about it. Wishful thinking, I suppose.

As time does, it kept passing and one Friday morning Mom reminded me that she would pick me up at school just before lunch so I could come home and decide what dress Annie would wear to her appointment. There were the mixed feelings again! Would it be worth seeing a doctor just so I could be Annie again?

You can tell that doctors aren't my favorite people in the world. At that age, doctors were the people who you saw when you were sick or were going to get a shot. I did not like getting shots, not even a little bit. Mom and Dad told me that Dr Phil wasn't the kind of doctor that gave you shots, but I still wasn't sure I believed them.

But Mom picked me up and took me home and I asked her help in deciding what Annie should wear. We settled on one of my casual dresses, after all if I was going to be a girl I figured I should be wearing something only a girl would wear. So Mom left me to get dressed and I did - and yes, I put on the training bra that I really didn't need but helped me feel more like a girl. It felt funny after not having worn it for a month or so, but by the time we left the house I hardly noticed it at all.

Once again we went to lunch together and once again Mom didn't want to eat at Micky D's. I cringe at remembering how much I liked eating fast food like that as a kid, but convincing my parents to take us to McDonald's had become sort of a game whenever the family ate out. We didn't win the argument often, but sometimes we were allowed to gorge on a quarter pounder with cheese.

We arrived at the doctor's office and checked in, waited the obligatory wait and went into his lair. About the last thing I expected was to have him say "My goodness! It is you. I just loved Annie, you are a very talented young woman, my dear."

I had a fan! The first one who recognized me outside the theatre. That certainly broke the ice, but it would take a while before I was sure he wasn't going to haul out that syringe and stick a needle in me!

I have to admit it's hard to separate the actual memories of that first encounter from my adult perspective and the stories I have honed over the years. We started out talking about what it was like to play a girl on stage and gradually moved into what I felt like as a girl off the stage. What was different? Did I like having people think I was a girl? What kind of friends did I have? Were they girls or boys?

The initial consultation was scheduled for two hours, the first half with Mom there and the second hour just me alone with Dr Phil. A wise way of doing things given my paranoia about doctors. By the time for us to talk without Mom I was beginning to trust Dr Phil.

The thing that I remember most vividly was that, after Mom left, he asked what I thought about being adopted. Actually, that was something I never thought about much. I knew I was adopted, that my birth parents and grandparents were killed when I was very young, but since I had never known them I considered Chip and Joanna my parents.

Being an orphan and being adopted never really meant much to me. I realize as an adult that I was quite different from many adoptees in this, but at eleven it was just one more fact in the bunch of facts in my head. I had loving parents and didn't feel in the least abandoned.

I realize now that Dr Phil was trying to see if my gender switching might be connected to abandonment issues being an orphan. I didn't really get that back then, and it surprised me that he would even ask. Weren't we supposed to be talking about if I wanted to be a girl?

I'm pretty sure I surprised him when he found out I had only really been in public as Annie so few times. I think I was born to be an actor and was a budding professional even at that tender age. Once I adopted a role I lived that role, onstage or off. I felt perfectly natural as Danny or Annie, switching between characters was easy.

So Dr Phil asked to meet Danny the next time and we had come to the end of the session.

I guess he really wasn't the kind of doctor who would give me a shot.

Chapter 8 - Ursuline Academy

"And to what do we owe the pleasure of your company this morning, Annie?" asked Dad at breakfast.

"Why Dad, isn't my presence always a pleasure?"

"I refuse to answer because I might have to tell the truth."

"Chip, be nice to your daughter."

"He's never nice to me," grumped Kate.

"I guess that means you don't want a lift to the mall?" snarked Dad.

"I'll just have my boyfriend take me."

"Joanna! Where's my baseball bat?"

"I used it to train the grape vines in the back yard. Don't worry, her boyfriend can't drive yet."

"But his parents can. You're obsolete, Daddy."

"If you don't have to drive Kate to the mall, could you take me over to Aileen's place?" I asked.

"Do I have to bring you back?

I could always spend the night with Aileen."

"I think that may be stretching the 'Annie' persona a bit too far."

"Farther than going to Ursuline next semester?"

"I do need to decide soon, Dad. Aileen goes there and says it's a great school. That's why I'm going to her place, she's going to take me to see a play there this afternoon. I'll get to meet a lot of the kids and see what the place is like."

"Doctor Phil says if Annie is determined to live as a girl that he thinks it would be worth trying," Mom said.

"That's a big step, Annie. Maybe we need to have a family visit to both the school and Doctor Phil."

"Way ahead of you there, sweetie," Mom grinned. Doctor Phil on Tuesday and a formal visit to the school on Thursday."

"When did all this happen?"

"Yesterday. You got home so late yesterday that you weren't coherent enough to talk about it."

"I guess that's true enough. Why do customers always have emergencies at closing time on Friday?"

"Ask Mr Murphy."

"I have far too much to do with that character already. I don't intend to seek him out."

"I knew I married a wise man."

"So Kate's bopping around the mall and Annie is getting cultured at Ursuline. What are you doing today, Sam?"

"I dunno. Can I play on the computer if no one else is home to use it?"

"How about you help me pick out a new computer at the store. This family is in need of more computing power."

"Cool. Can we get a Nintendo?"

"A computer, Sam, not a game system. Maybe if you beg hard enough we might get a game or two to run on the new computer."

"Sam jumped up and started kissing Dad's feet. "Please, please, please, Pppllleeeaaassseee, Daddy!"

There are hazards to living in a family of actors.

"After you shine my shoes, your drool has ruined the polish."

"They're sneakers, Chip," Mom deadpanned.

"Then he'll have to try real hard to get them polished."

"Even if you get a new game, the time limits still apply. For all of you."

"Mooommm!" That was Kate.

"Mooommm!" That was Sam.

"Mooommm!" That was me.

"Tough! Annie, Would you give Aileen a call so I can talk to her mother? I think I would like to go with you if that's OK with them."

"Mooommm!"

 

"I appreciate you being willing to take me along at short notice, Rosheen."

"Nonsense! Annie is a sweetheart and Aileen seems to have adopted her as her new sister. I'm glad for the chance to get to know you as well."

"Sorry, we already adopted her first. We can share though?"

"Oh! I didn't realize."

"No big deal, It's an old story. We adopted her and her sister Kate because I couldn't get pregnant, then along came Sam out of the blue."

"Isn't that always the way?"

"Children are full of surprises. Annie seems to have fallen in love with Irish dancing. Now that's something we didn't expect."

"Aileen tells me that your whole family are actors."

"We certainly are. Chip and I both fell in love with acting in high school. Not only was acting fun, but there are lots of places backstage to get a little necking in."

"You're bad!"

"We prefer creative."

"Obviously. And what happens when Annie reaches the creative age?"

"If she does it right we'll never know she did it."

"Until you become a grandmother."

"Then she didn't do it right."

"You're bad!"

"Just creative."

"And not procreative, I hope."

"After Sam we made sure. No more surprises. Three is enough for us."

"I suppose we don't have to worry quite yet, Aileen is the oldest and boys are still yucky."

"Our oldest definitely doesn't consider boys yucky. In fact, Chip was threatening baseball bats just this morning."

"We may need to borrow it in a couple of years if Aileen keeps growing up as pretty as she is already."

"Even at an all girl's school?"

"I sometimes wonder if even a cloister would be effective. The Ursuline Academy is not without it's premature mothers."

"I suppose that's true of any school. Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them. We've made sure Kate knows what's what even if she was scandalized that we could even think that she could do something like that! Teenage hormones are awfully unpredictable."

"Or too predictable. The Irish Catholic side of the family is scandalized by modern morality. There are things we don't talk about with Grandmother Ashling."

"Isn't that the way. There are a couple of Baptists lurking in the branches of my family tree. At least we don't have to worry about relatives with Annie since she's the last of her line. I'm so glad we were able to talk with her great aunt before she passed on, at least we can give her some connection to her birth family. They were all lost in a skiing accident.

"That's terrible!"

"I'm glad we got Annie while she was too young to understand. She's growing up to be a fine person, if I do say so myself."

"I'm glad she and Aileen became friends. They're developing a real bond. The two of them are thick as thieves. Listening at the bedroom door was interesting - I think I had the same conversation with my girlfriends at that age, although I think I was starting to notice boys a little earlier than Aileen."

"I'll be just as happy to wait a while, I already have one teenage girl going boy crazy."

 

By now you may be wondering how I could have known what Mom and Aunt Rosheen talked about while Aileen and I were running around the school. The answer is simple: years later, when I was old enough to understand what they were talking about, they both reminisced about that first meeting while I listened. I admit I probably punched up the dialogue a bit as I wrote it, but they both assure me that I've captured the essence.

While they were talking, Aileen was giving me a tour of the school. I was impressed. Since all the classroom doors had windows, I was able to see what was inside them. This was undoubtedly a rich girl's school. They had lots of computers, lots of cool stuff that I hadn't a clue what it was for, and the lunchroom looked like a restaurant. Aileen said the food was actually good there. That alone made me think twice about attending the place.

I knew Mom would like a lot of the older buildings there, her historical preservation instincts would be running at full speed. Even the old buildings were very nice; the new ones were cool, especially the gym - it was huge and even had exercise equipment.

It was getting close to the time of the show, so we headed for the auditorium. I was kind of thinking of an auditorium like we had in our school, an old gym that had a stage and folding chairs.

Nope!

I walked in and the auditorium was a real theater! That did it - I was going to go to this school and would be perfectly happy to wear a skirt to do it. We found our parents and settled into our seats, but I think I about wore Mom's ear off in my enthusiasm. The only thing that shut me up was when the play started.

The play was pretty good, too. I really wanted to be part of this school if the students did things like that.

 

When we got back home I talked Dad's ear off, too. My enthusiasm knew no bounds, I wanted to go to that school. Dad managed to calm me down - Mom had tried and failed - and I reluctantly agreed to wait to take the school tour before we decided anything.

I have to wonder how my parents coped with me. An enthusiastic eleven-year-old is bad enough, an enthusiastic eleven-year-old actor had to be overwhelming. Even seeing the new computer that Dad and Sam brought home only slowed me a little as I told them about all the computers in Ursuline. I did slow down enough to send an e-mail to Aileen to thank her and her mother for taking us to the play, but I didn't change my clothes until I was forced to go to bed. I really wanted to be Annie and hang out with my new best friend, Aileen.

Somehow when I woke up Sunday morning I just automatically took Annie's clothes from the closet and put them on. I got a knowing smile from Mom and a sardonic smile from Dad. Kate just stuck her tongue out at me and Sam held his nose. Other than that, it was just another Sunday around the Loesser homestead. There were still fights about who got to use the computers, even with two of them available. Somehow Annie forgot all about being a lady when she wanted her turn at the computer.

When it got to be bedtime, I didn't want to take off my dress. Mom came in to my bedroom while I was looking at myself in the mirror.

"Like what you see, Annie?" she asked.

"Yeah. Mom?"

"Yes, honey?"

"Would you guys be mad if I did decide I wanted to be a girl?"

"Whoah! Deep questions for a Sunday night. No, we wouldn't be upset but we might be concerned. We can see how happy you have been since you started playing Annie and we don't think you're really playing a role any more. Am I right."

"Yeah. I like being Annie. I think I'd like going to Ursuline and being a girl all the time. But…"

"There is always that but, isn't there?"

"It's not like I hate being a boy, but being a girl - I don't know - feels better somehow."

"You know what, Annie? I'm glad you're confused."

"Huh?"

"Honey, this is a big deal for someone your age. It could be very hard to change your life so much, but on the other hand - maybe you've already changed enough that it is the best thing to do. That's why you need to talk to Doctor Phil some more."

"OK."

"You don't have to decide all at once, you know. There's plenty of time to think this through."

"I guess you're right. I love you, Mom."

"And I love you, whether you're Annie or Danny. Now off to bed - school tomorrow."

 

Monday at school was difficult. My regular school was a pretty good school. Contrary to the stereotype, I enjoyed school, but after seeing Ursuline my regular school seemed dull. It wasn't until gym class in the afternoon that I snapped out of it. I suppose vestiges of Annie were keeping me from turning back into Danny. The usual locker room chatter and some hard running finally brought me back to where I had been.

On the other hand, I couldn't help but compare it to dance classes with the other girls. Sure, I didn't get dressed in a girl's locker room, but exercise is exercise. We had a couple of eleven-year-old macho jerks in gym, I had a couple of budding bitches in dance class, but overall the atmosphere was much nicer among the girls.

Cooperative vs. Competitive? Maybe, but there was certainly some of each in both places. I think it was more the boys wanted to stand out as individuals more than the girls. You can get away with being a "star" in a sports team, but if there is a "star" in a dance troupe when you're supposed to be all doing the same thing it just doesn't work. In Irish group dancing the emphasis is on the group, the patterns as you move. If you want to be a dance star you need to be doing solo routines - there's plenty of competition in that area.

I was starting to wonder if I had one of those split personalities that daytime TV and such love to talk about. I asked Dr Phil about that when Danny saw him on Tuesday and he just laughed, assuring me that I had nothing to worry about. Everybody had both female and male traits, as least as defined by their particular society, and I had plenty of time to find out just where my balance would end up. I was really starting to like Doctor Phil now that I knew he wasn't going to be giving me any shots.

So we talked about what I liked about being Danny and school and the theatre and just about everything. He was interested in me going to Ursuline on Thursday and we agreed to talk about it next time.

Darned if he didn't give me some homework. He asked me to make a list of the things I liked about being a girl and another list of things I liked about being a boy. Then he wanted me to make another list of the things I liked about my school and another list of the things I liked about Ursuline once I had been there. That sounded like a lot of lists, but then I figured I could claim the new computer for quite a while while I made my lists.

Mom smiled when I came out and asked how it went but didn't press for details. Mom and Dad were wise enough to know that children had private thoughts and feelings that should be respected.

 

I have to think that the people at Ursuline were serious about education, they scheduled our visit so that I wasn't able to get any time off my regular school. Darn! Dad picked me up and we went home for me to change, leaving Kate to watch Sam while we went out. Kate wasn't thrilled and Sam protested loudly that he didn't need a babysitter. Fat lot of good it did either of my siblings.

I guess I must have been a pretty weird kid, aside from my interest in being Annie. I mean, I actually liked school and was excited to see Ursuline. I put on that nice blue dress and fixed my hair as quick as I could, making sure I was tidy and presentable. Mom and Dad were big on presentable when we went out.

I won't bore you with the school tour, but I have to tell you about one more coincidence in names. I got to see the Headmistress for a few minutes. Believe it or not, she was named Elizibeth DeVos. Since this Betsy DeVos actually worked in education, you can figure out she was not the one that became Secretary of Education years later. My whole life seems to be full of people who have names that would someday become famous. Not that it mattered, because I only got to see the Headmistress one more time personally. I'll tell you about that later, but it was a meeting I would gladly have forgone.

By the time we were done I really wanted to be a student there. Mom and Dad were impressed, too. I got to go around with a girl named May while Mom and Dad discussed money and stuff, so she showed me some of the things that we girls weren't supposed to know. May complained about the school uniform, but I didn't think it was too bad. I have to wonder if there is some Rule Of The Universe that says girl's school uniforms have to have pleated plaid skirts?

The white blouse was pretty much standard, but we weren't allowed to wear colored bras under it, it had to be plain white and no lace. That didn't bother me, but I suppose that girls liked to have frilly stuff.

Who am I kidding? I was getting to like frilly stuff just fine. I wondered what May would say if she knew I had a blue bra on right then.

Mom and Dad were quiet on the way home, I could see they were thinking hard. As far as I was concerned, I was ready to be a girl so I could go to Ursuline. To my eleven-year-old black-and-white way of thinking, it was no problem at all. I liked being Annie, I wanted to go to Ursuline - so what's the problem?

When we got home I put on an apron and helped Dad get dinner ready. (I was disappointed we didn't go out to eat, but you can't win every time.) I did keep the apron on while we ate so I wouldn't mess up my pretty dress. After supper, Kate and Sam got to take care of the dishes while Mom and Dad took me aside for a serious discussion.

Mostly they wanted to assure themselves that I really wanted to be Annie for keeps, or as long as a eleven-year-old can conceptualize forever. So we talked about boys and girls and what happens as they grow up. Did I want to give up being bigger and stronger? Did I think I should have been born a girl? Was I happy as Annie? That sort of stuff. It was starting to dawn on me that maybe this whole thing wasn't as simple as I thought at first.

I think that this was the point in my life that I realized subtlety and nuance was more than something you applied to a character on stage; it applied in my real life, too. Living my life as a girl was more than just wearing different clothes. I had a lot of questions for Doctor Phil at our next session.

I didn't realize it, but I also had a deadline. Mom and Dad had tried not to pressure me, but in order to attend Ursuline next semester they had to have the application in the week before Thanksgiving. That was only a week away. So Doctor Phil and my family had a big meeting where everyone got to put in their two cents. Even Sam figured out this was serious stuff, he didn't crack wise and try to bait me.

Me? I was embarrassed to be the center of all this. What I thought was simple was not so simple after all. Doctor Phil was one of those people who can keep control of a freewheeling discussion without seeming to be doing anything special. By the time we got done I was feeling more confident that trying to be a girl was the right thing for me.

These days I know that most of us who take this path feel an absolute need from a very early age, but that's not me. I think the word ambivalent, a word I certainly didn't know at the time, is pretty accurate. I just took being a boy for granted, I never really cared if I was a boy or a girl until acting in Annie came along and I started to actually think about such things.

What I do know is that I felt very comfortable as Annie. I liked the friends I was making, I liked wearing dresses and skirts and I was even getting to like wearing that silly training bra. I have to laugh about it now, but somehow wearing a bra, even one I certainly didn't need, made me feel like a real girl. When I was wearing my panties I really couldn't tell them from wearing boy's underwear, but that bra was something that was always there helping me feel feminine, even if those tiny hooks on the back often managed to dig holes into my spine when I was sitting in a chair.

But I've drifted away from the meeting. By the time we were done I was sure that Ursuline was the right place for me and I wanted to be Annie. Mom and Dad were less sure and Doctor Phil finally said that he would go along with my choice for now, even though he hadn't been seeing me long enough to make a truly informed decision. In any case, since I was not going to be taking any drugs or making any changes to my body (that made me wonder what he was talking about) that he felt living as a girl would not harm me and would help me to understand myself.

I was going to Ursuline! That's all I really registered. I was satisfied.

Chapter 9 - Meeting The Family

I was going to Ursuline!

Done deal, right?

Oh for the simple outlook of a eleven-year-old.

It didn't really occur to me that, even with a substantial scholarship, the tuition in the place cost big bucks. Then, Annie was going to need more than a couple of changes of clothes besides the uniforms. Oh yeah, Danny's bedroom hardly looked like a girl's bedroom. I suppose that the famous Chip and Joanna might have helped me there, but we didn't know about them back then. Besides, more big bucks for an interior decorator?

Right!

Then there was the whole transgender thing with the school. Fortunately, I wasn't involved in that, I just got some rules I had to follow and we talked about how I should handle myself as a girl at a girl's school. I was lucky that Ursuline was a progressive institution, they decided that since I was a girl I should use the girl's bathrooms. I would have to change in a separate room for gym and sports, but I wouldn't be the only student who did that. I would be out of the ordinary, but not some freak.

I hoped.

All of this preparation happened while I was still going to school as Danny. I can only be thankful that I was young enough not to have to worry about final exams at school - with all the changes happening so fast that would have really been tough. As it was, I was starting to let Annie creep into my life as Danny as I eagerly anticipated living as a girl. Some of my friends were noticing, but I just told them I was just fine and don't worry.

It was starting to dawn on me that even if I was changing schools to be Annie full time I still had friends and relatives who were going to be part of my life. I guess I could have used the famous Chip and Joanna's advice on how to handle the Big Reveal. Just how did we tell the other people in our lives?

Another question for Doctor Phil.

I ended up shopping with Mom and Kate a lot. Kate appointed herself my fashion consultant so I wouldn't 'look like a dork' at my new school. Since I would be wearing a uniform at school I didn't see how that mattered, but Kate was going to make sure I was fashionable. I wasn't so sure about that after all the differences of opinion between her and our parents about what is appropriate for a teenage girl to wear. Me? I hardly had a clue, although I had learned something from the last few months.

This time we started at the secondhand places - Goodwill and the Salvation Army. If you shop the ones in the more well-to-do side of town you can find some good stuff, so I did the fashion show thing and by the time we were done I had a casual wardrobe.

This time I got my wish - Kate and I both browbeat Mom into eating at McDonalds. One of life's small victories.

I was getting tired - I had yet to develop feminine shopping stamina - but I was soon outfitted with underwear and shoes, not to mention a nice winter coat. At that time I didn't know how lucky I was to live in one of the warmer parts of the country. We got snow maybe once or twice in five years, but it did get cold enough for a winter coat. Some years later I spent a winter in Minnesota - no woman in her right mind wears a skirt in a Minnesota winter, believe me!

My fashion advisors made me buy several pairs of pants. I was firmly in the 'I want to wear a skirt if I'm a girl' mindset, but Mom and Kate made me look around and tell them how many women were wearing skirts.

I was the only one!

So Mom and Kate pointed out that I really wanted to blend in with the other girls. Being too girly would be just as obvious as not being girly enough! I had to laugh, thinking about the silly song Dad played for me the other day. A Boy Named Sue by some famous country singer guy. He was just about the opposite of me, but it was a funny song.

Thanksgiving came and went, but we weren't really ready to tell the world about Annie. Mom and Dad did tell the grandparents that there were some really big changes coming at Christmas. Dad tried to leave it at that, I think he likes being mysterious with his parents, but somehow it didn't work. Talk about waving a red flag in front of a bull! Dad held firm with the mystery for Grandpa, but Grandma managed to worm the secret out of him.

I still suspect he had it all planned that way, but he insists on remaining mysterious about the whole thing to this day. Of course the entire family was listening to the phone call - the new cordless phone had a speaker function - but we managed to keep our giggling quiet as he played the game. When it was all over, Grandma ended up being the one to pass the word around that Annie was here to stay. Since I really didn't want a football or something like that as a Christmas present, I was glad that the family now knew what was happening.

I got my ears pierced the week before Christmas - a red ball in the left ear and a green ball in the right. Very festive. Somehow I knew what many of my Christmas presents would be after it was done.

I was nervous as a cat going to Grandma and Grandpa's place for Christmas Dinner. I got a lot of nice stuff for the new me from Santa - and yes, I knew that Santa was a legend but kept on believing for Sam. We pretty much figured out this would be the last time he really thought Santa came down the chimney. Mom, Kate and I all had coordinated outfits and Sam was sternly warned to keep his comments to himself.

Mom and Dad went in first and formally introduced them to their new granddaughter. Since they'd been to see Annie twice, me wearing a dress didn't shock them, but by the time we had explained to all the uncles, aunts and cousins conversation was rather stilted.

Due to some advance planning on the part of Mom and Dad, we arrived just before dinner was served. This gave the gaping mouths something to do besides catch flies and utter disbelieving comments. I'm afraid I attracted more attention than the baked ham, but you know what they say about ham actors.

They did keep glancing at me all through dinner, which made me nervous. Everyone but Aunt Glory had seen the musical, so I made a special effort to sit near her after dinner. It took a while, but she finally asked me what was going on, so I got a chance to explain, although everyone stopped talking and listened.

I can't say that the new me was welcomed with open arms, but at least no one started cursing or screaming about the devil or anything. Some of the family is a lot more religious than we are.

I did get to spend time with the girl cousins, who wanted to know everything! Of course I didn't tell them everything, but it didn't go as I hoped it would. I had forgotten about Cousin Ladonna. Ladonna can be a pain in the - uh - neck. Nah, I'll be honest. Ladonna was a pain in the ass. At fourteen years old she positively knew everything about everything. When God handed out brains she was first in line but when She was distributing tact and empathy Ladonna was still going gaga over her brains.

"Awright Danny," Ladonna started as soon as the door was closed, "what are you trying to pull this time?"

"My sister's name is Annie, Ladonna," corrected Kate. "Try to use it, OK?"

"Bullshit! If his name is Annie then I'm Darth Vader."

"I guess that's why it sounds like you need your asthma inhaler."

"Jeez Ladonna," her sister Debra exclaimed. Debra was sixteen and I figured she was a grownup. "Did you sleep through diversity class or what? You pull that discrimination crap at school and you'd have detention until you graduated. Annie is transgendered and she deserves to be called by her proper name."

"Screw you, big sister. You might notice we are not in school and I don't have to put up with that crap!"

You might say I was surprised at Ladonna. Up until then most people had been at least polite. In fact, most people had been supportive. Ladonna was only the first of many people who would make an issue of who I was.

"Maybe we should ask Mom to come in and give us her opinion of what you have to put up with."

"It's OK, Debra." I said before a real fight started. "Everybody knows Ladonna has a big mouth that starts working before her brain does."

You might be able to tell I didn't really like cousin Ladonna much.

"I'm not the one whose brain can't figure out he's a boy. Give me a break!"

"Arm or leg?" asked Cousin Linda.

"You probably think that's funny." snorted Ladonna.

"Not funny, appropriate. Although a couple of stitches on your lips would work wonders for everybody else's peace of mind."

"What? You think people like Danny are normal!"

"At least she's polite and pleasant." Debra put in. "Hey Kate! I'll trade you even - Ladonna for Annie."

"Now whose brain is out of whack. I already have the good sister, why would I want to change?"

"I'll throw in my current boyfriend. I'm almost done with him."

"Oh great! As sister who's a user for a used boyfriend. What a deal!"

"How about if I throw in my stamp collection?"

"A gag and a pair of handcuffs would be better."

"Ooooh! Kinky! Going to try them out on the boyfriend?"

"Would I need the handcuffs to keep him with me?"

"Screw the both of you!" Ladonna burst out. "No way would I live with a bunch of losers like you guys. Fag actors the bunch of ya."

"That's enough, Ladonna!" came the command from the doorway. I guess we had gotten loud enough to attract he attention from the adults. "I've warned you before about such behavior. You're grounded for two weeks."

"No!"

"Yes. We'll discuss this at home, you've been warned before. Right now you will go out to the car and wait for the rest of us to enjoy our time with the family. You will not leave the car or do anything but sit there quietly."

Ladonna must have figured out that she should keep her mouth shut because she didn't say anything else, just flounced out of the den.

"I'm sorry for Ladonna's behaviour, we raised her better than that. I don't understand your choice, but I'm sure you and your family have good reasons. I'd like to stop by sometime and learn about why you have become Annie. If that's OK with you."

"Sure it is, Aunt Clair. Call Mom and Dad sometime."

"Thanks. Now you girls try to keep it down to a dull roar, OK?"

We agreed. In fact, there was silence for some time after she left.

"Y'know? Sometimes I really do wish I could trade her in," said Debra.

"I'll keep the sister I have, thank you," answered Kate.

"OK Annie," continued Debra, "now that that's over I gotta ask: what's going on?"

"Maybe you ought to ask my shrink."

"You got a shrink?"

"Yeah. My new school wanted me to have one."

"New school?"

"Ursuline Academy."

"You have got to be kidding!" cried Linda.

"Why? It's a great school. They asked me to go there."

"They did?"

"Yeah. Mr Pennington saw me in Annie and thought I was the kind of girl they wanted at the school. He's on the board."

"And they just, like, let you in?"

"I had to take a whole bunch of tests first.

"You sure do. You know why Ladonna is such a bitch about you? Said Debra. "She wanted to go to Ursuline and flunked the tests. They didn't want her."

"Ouch! I didn't know."

"Well, it's not like she's going to be bragging about getting rejected."

"I wasn't trying to brag!"

"You weren't, Annie, but all the adults know. Getting into Ursuline is pretty special."

"Is that why you want to be a girl?" asked Linda.

"Not really. Ever since I got the part as Annie I just seem to think more like a girl and it feels right. I've been dancing with girls at my lessons and everyone thought I was a girl before I had time to say different."

"Dance lessons?

"I had to learn to dance for the show. Now I'm hooked on Irish step dancing."

"You going to be on Riverdance?" asked Linda.

"Not likely. Wrong kind of dancing."

Fortunately, that got the discussion off of me and on to other topics. I was disappointed when it was time to go, I was having a good time with my cousins. My girl cousins. We swooned over a heartthrob or two and described all our new clothes and jewelry. Girl talk can be fun.

Oh yeah, we did assassinate a character or two. We girls are not all sweetness and light.

 

I don't know about your town, but in the place where I grew up we always had fireworks on New Year's Eve. Dad tells me there was a controversy when it first started because the powers-that-be wanted to do it at midnight, but families with children wanted it early enough so the kids could see the show.

They eventually settled on ten PM, but I was eight before I was able to stay awake long enough to see the fireworks. I really tried hard to stay awake long enough, but I always woke up riding back to the car in the wagon with Sam after the show was over.

This year I was especially determined to stay awake and see the fireworks from start to finish. I was a big girl now; I was sure that with all that happened I should be treated as an adult. No way was I going to ride in that wagon with Sam!

Since we lived in a warm part of the country, the weather on New Year's eve was usually nice. This year it was spectacular! The forecast low was 65° - almost like the 4th of July for fireworks. Kate and I decided we should wear something fancy to the show, finally settling on sort-of Mexican skirts and those frilly, embroidered blouses you can find in the tourist traps for big bucks or in small markets for much more reasonable prices. There's a lot of Mexican influence in the area where I grew up. Believe me, we looked good!

Part of the fun of New Years was all the street vendors. Mom and dad abandoned the 'healthy food' bit for the evening and we each got twenty bucks to spend as we wished. You can get a lot of junk food for twenty bucks, even at the prices they charge at these affairs. If you're careful about what you eat you can even have a little available to get some of the trinkets and jewelry. Probably all made in Asia by slave labor or something, but they were gaudy enough to attract my eleven-year-old eye.

That's where I got into trouble. I was so excited to have money in my purse and places to spend it, I kind of lost touch with the family. It was getting dark, which happened by seven in the evening, when I realized I was all alone. It was about then that my certainty that I was grown up managed to desert me; I was surrounded by strangers who weren't paying me any attention. Looking back, that was probably a good thing. The last thing a transgendered girl in a crowd needed was too much attention, but at the time it was downright scary. I was so short I couldn't see over the crowd and there wasn't anyplace I could get high enough to try to find the family.

Eventually I stopped panicking and remembered that if we got lost we were supposed to meet on the steps of the City Hall. Good plan, but I had no idea where I was or where the City Hall was! I finally stopped a woman who looked like she was friendly and asked her. She smiled and pointed me in the right direction, telling me it was only two blocks away.

I started walking that way and who should I run into than several kids from my old school. I hadn't really told anyone about me deciding I was Annie when I left, just said I was going to a different school after the Christmas break. Even without the red dress, enough of them had seen me as Annie on stage that they clocked me at once.

"Danny?" asked Jake.

"Uh, it's Annie these days."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Uh, I figured out I'm happier as a girl than a boy?"

"Jeez Danny. That's weird!" I let the 'Danny' go, no sense starting an argument. "I mean, it was strange enough you playing a girl in that play, but what the…"

He never got to finish that sentence because Charlie gave him a shot in the shoulder and told him to shut him up.

"Jake? You might want to think a bit before you shoot your mouth off."

"What the…"

Another shot to the other shoulder.

"Jake, believe me. Your foot is going to taste just awful if you keep it up."

"Charlie, boys don't turn into girls just like…"

"Hey Jake!" Will said. "Remember what happened when Tyrone Jenkins started giving Ben grief because he's gay? You want to go through that?"

I was happy to have a couple of friends on my side.

"It's OK, Jake. I know I'm a little different." That got a big laugh. "I'm going to Ursuline next semester. It's a girl's school so I gotta be a girl to go there, right?"

That one threw them for a loop.

"You're going to be one of those rich bitches?" Really?"

"I don't know about rich and I don't want to be a bitch. Mom would wash my mouth out with soap if I said the word 'bitch,' anyway."

"I always knew you were queer with all this acting stuff."

"Hey Jake - you trying out for asshole of the year?" asked Will.

"Yeah, he's only got a couple of more hours to get ahead on points. Anybody else you want to insult before it's too late?"

"What's with you guys?" pleaded Jake. "He wants to be a freakin' girl."

"You gonna ask her for a date, Jake?"

"You take that back!"

"Hey guys! Calm down!" Bobby hadn't said anything so for, but since he was six inches taller than any of us; people listened when he said something. "We're supposed to be having fun, not starting fights. Let's leave Annie to do her thing and get on with it."

I silently thanked Bobby, Jake was starting to get to me. The guys did some grousing but finally moved on and I continued to the City Hall. Nothing else exciting happened for the rest of the night, but it was Annie who greeted the New Year and it was Annie who I was for the rest of my life.

Chapter 10 - A New School and A New Show

Ursuline Academy was everything I hoped it would be. Eventually. Of course I had to get through being the new girl, which I thought wouldn't be too hard. After all, I was able to stand up in front of a few hundred complete strangers and convince them I was a cute little orphan for several nights. Stage fright? Me?

Yeah, me!

It made a big difference because I couldn't go backstage after a couple of hours, change my clothes, then become Danny again. I was Annie.

Forever.

Having Aileen as a friend helped. In fact, she was my official mentor to help me get adjusted to the school. Naturally there were some rich bitches among the students, but they didn't move in the circles where I found friends. The classes were challenging, but I thrived on the challenge.

As far as anyone there was concerned, I was just another girl among all the other girls. Naturally, the teachers knew I was trans, but I didn't notice anything different about the way I was treated. Which includes getting my behind chewed when I got into trouble. You'd be surprised at what a bunch of eleven-year-old girls can think up.

Or maybe you wouldn't.

Well, there was one sticky spot - phys ed. And bathrooms, places where the lack of clothes could be a problem. Phys ed wasn't bad, this was a high end school and there were separate enclosures for showering and changing if you were too shy to run around naked in front of the other girls. Or too overly equipped, shall we say.

That's how I got to be friends with Janine. She's in a wheelchair, so she usually uses the 'family facilities,' which is another way of saying the handicapped toilet. Since the family facilities are built for only one person, there was no problem with anyone getting upset with the tranny in the toilet; not that anyone there would have been so gauche as to actually say anything bad about transvestites. I just used the one-holer if it was convenient. If it wasn't I just did my thing like any other girl.

Janine was an interesting person. She was in a car accident when she was four years old and she's a paraplegic, her legs were amputated just above the knees. She's also one of the most determined people I have ever met; nothing stops her. I wasn't at the school very long before we both had to pee at the same time, so we met at the bathroom door. She let me go first because it takes her a while to transfer from her chair to the toilet and she didn't want me to turn yellow waiting for her. Yeah, she actually said turn yellow. I was in a hurry so I took her up on it.

I just plain didn't know what to think. Even though she was in my class, I had not really talked to her before. In fact, I had never personally met anyone who was physically handicapped before, so I didn't have any idea how to act around her. I finished my business while wondering just what to say to her. Turns out I didn't have to say anything, she zipped through the bathroom door as soon as I cleared it. I just kind of stood there and tried to decide if I should go or wait for her to come out.

My indecision saved me, before I could figure out what to do she was back and introduced herself. We went to lunch together and it was the start of a friendship. She thought it was really cool that I was an actor and I thought it was really cool that she played on a wheelchair basketball team. I had never heard of such a thing.

So I invited her to our next performance and she invited me to come and see her play basketball. She and her teammates are crazy as loons - the things they do in their wheelchairs scare the panties off me. I was sure somebody was going to get killed. She needed the seatbelt in her chair, believe me!

(That's not Janine, but an image I found on the web that really gives you a feel for what wheelchair basketball is like.)

 
Naturally, I joined the chorus, I loved to sing. Janine was there with me, she had a nice voice. Her upper body strength was great because she had to move herself with her arms. She also had phenomenal lung capacity, that girl could hold a note while I was turning blue from lack of air.

While waiting for the chorus rehearsals to begin, Janine would fool around on the keyboard and I just kind of started to sing along with the tune. Mrs Johnson, naturally, encouraged us to sing together and we spent quite a bit of time at her house where she had her piano to use. I didn't play an instrument, but Janine certainly could.

It seems faintly embarrassing now, but we really liked the songs from the Disney movies, so that's what we started singing. There is something really satisfying in singing with your girlfriend.

I also joined the dance group - Aileen would have killed me if I didn't. I didn't take part in any after-school sports, having been warned that that was a fast track to problems for a transgirl.

I started to feel a bit guilty, having to split my time with my dancing friend and my singing friend. Naturally, Janine couldn't dance and Aileen didn't like to sing. The solution became obvious when I noticed a flute in Aileen's bedroom.

"You play that thing?" I asked.

"Not lately. I'd rather practice dancing than playing."

"Really?"

"Really."

"I have an idea…"

"The Good Lord protect me and keep me!" she replied in her phony Irish accent.

"I'm not sure even She could manage that. You're too clumsy."

"Clumsy! This from the girl that still can't do a double hop and land facing the right way."

"Seriously, you play any Irish tunes on that thing?" (We eventually did expand our music from Disney songs.)

"Faith and begorra, as if I could get away with playing hip-hop."

"Maybe I could improve my double hop if you were playing hip-hop."

"Don't press your luck…"

"There are a couple of songs Janine and I want to sing but they really need something besides piano accompaniment. As a trio we could both dance and sing."

"It's been a while…"

"So play something for me."

Naturally Aileen was minimizing her talents. She sounded pretty good to me. That was the start of the Sassenach Ladies. Sassenach is a mildly contemptuous Gaelic term for the English. I may have looked Irish with all this red hair, but Janine was blonde and Aileen was the only one who could really claim a strong Irish heritage. Besides, since nobody knew what a Sassenach was it was a cool-sounding word to get the attention of an audience.

 

However, I didn't join the Drama Club. Now, that might seem odd since I loved acting, but I was just too busy to do anything more. You see, I was starring in the Periactus Players spring show. It was almost like the Universe was telling me that I was fated to be feminine.

It happened this way. A week or so after I started at Ursuline, Dad came home from a board meeting for the Players. Since it was a dinner meeting, he got back before I had to be in bed, so he took me aside and talked to me.

"I think you're going to find this humorous, Annie." he started.

"Oh?"

"Well, the Board has decided on the spring show."

"Cool! What is it?"

"Another musical, since Annie did so well."

"Sounds good. But you didn't tell me what musical is is."

"I'm getting there. They also want you to play the lead role. They figure you got so much publicity for them they don't want to waste their star power. But they were a little bit nervous about asking you."

"What? Why?"

"Because they want to do the Secret Garden and the lead is a girl named Mary."

"You're kidding!"

"Nope. They were a little worried about asking a boy to play a two girl's roles in a row. They were a bit shocked when I explained why you wouldn't have any problems with playing a girl."

"You're right - that's funny!"

"Almost like the muses are on your side, eh?"

"I guess this time we can drop the 'D.' from my name in the program."

"So we can. You're on board?"

"Did you have to ask?"

"Actually, yes. Not that I had any doubt about your answer, but you're the one to make the commitment."

"Right, but let's not use that word 'commitment.' Sam already thinks I need to be committed because I'm Annie."

"Then we shall say you have accepted the part."

"Good enough, Daddy."

"It still seems odd to have you calling me 'Daddy' after eleven years of being 'Dad'."

"Better than some of the things Kate has called you."

"Don't remind me. I still have two years before you are a teenager. Two teenage girls in the family is asking a lot of your poor, benighted father."

"Just wait until you have to buy me a ball gown for the award ceremonies."

"You aren't ready for the Oscars yet, young lady."

"Whaddya mean? I'm ready for them anytime!"

"Back to business, Annie. Do you know the story?"

"Not really."

"I'm sure we have the book around somewhere, it's a classic. Give it a read sometime soon. It's a challenging part. Mary starts off as a spoiled brat of an orphan - remind you of anybody?"

"Daddy!"

"Anyway, she was raised in India by parents who die in a plague so you get to do a sort of British-Indian accent to start off with. She gets dumped on her weird hunchback uncle in England and his even weirder doctor brother. They live in a haunted house in the middle of nowhere. The brothers aren't really aren't thrilled by the whole thing. Neither is Mary, who is a spoiled brat.

"The housekeeper hates her, too, and the place is full of ghosts. But she's a plucky little lass who wins everybody's hearts and cures all the ills of her family while singing a merry tune.

"There are lots of great character parts; the weird brothers, the grumpy maid, a crotchety gardener, and a mystic type who teaches Mary to talk to animals.

"Oh yeah, she finds a disabled cousin that everybody is hiding and a secret garden. She and the cousin bring the garden back to life along with all her relatives and she turns into Miss Mary Sunshine. At the end of the thing she's speaking in a pure Yorkshire accent, by the way."

"You're kidding!"

"It's a beloved children's classic. Oh, and it's a musical. You'll love it, you get to wear lots of fancy dresses and frippery. Veddy English, don'cha know?"

"They'll think I'm Irish with this red hair."

"No brogues allowed. Think tea and crumpets. Or maybe tea and chutney since she came from India."

"Chutney?"

"We'll have to go out to the Taj Mahal for dinner so you can taste some chutneys. They're an Indian condiment sort of halfway between jelly and relish."

"I think you're making all this up just to get me going."

"Read the book, it's all there except the songs. I can't imagine how someone who reads as much as you do managed to miss the Secret Garden."

"Who else is going to be in it?"

"We haven't decided yet. There will be auditions in a few weeks.

"I think you may be a shoe-in for the part of the weird uncle."

"Out! Bedtime! Begone!"

"I love you, Daddy." and I gave him a kiss.

 

Daddy wasn't kidding, it was all there except the chutney and the ghosts. I got excited about the role, it called for a real range of characterization. I suppose I should have identified with Mary, a girl that loses her entire family and becomes an orphan, but I never really felt like an orphan. My birth parents were just pictures in an album, my real parents were right there in the house with me. Of course my birth parents died before I was old enough to remember them and Mary's died when she was my age. That makes a difference, I suppose.

I have to confess that having my parents encourage me to act like a spoiled brat was pretty cool, I liked that part a lot. I did get annoyed with how the book had such stereotypical portrayal of disabled people. Having a friend in a wheelchair like Janine, I was outraged that anybody would want to hide a child just because he might end up handicapped.

OK, I was eleven years old and still saw the world in absolutes much of the time, but I was determined that when the Periactus Players staged Secret Garden we would make the portrayal of Colin realistic and not a stereotype. That's how we ended up having my friend Janine help with the rehearsals. It took a lot of talking on my part to convince the powers-that-be to have her help, but I was real good at talking.

I sort of wished we could have her take the Colin role, but that wouldn't work. First, the role calls for a boy, but as far as I was concerned that didn't make much difference - after all, who was playing the Mary role? The real problem was the role called for Colin to be healed and start walking again, which Janine was not going to be able to do. Besides, she wasn't interested in being on stage.

Some people are just weird, but I still liked her. Besides, Janine had noticeable breasts, not much good for playing a male role.

 

Chapter 11 - Wardrobe Fitting

Soon it came time to do the costume fitting. Mrs Garibaldi, our wardrobe mistress had me and Mom come in early. Mom had that look she got when she had something up her sleeve, but she wasn't going to tell me what. Mrs G was nervous and I wondered what was going on, she was usually so - shall we say? - definite about anything to do with wardrobe. Perhaps the Queen has spoken! makes it clearer as to how Mrs G approached things.

"Annie, there's something we need to cover for this role."

"Yes, Mrs G?"

"Mary is a bit older and more mature than Annie was, you know."

"Sure, Annie is more a kid, Mary is really different."

"Right. Well, the dresses I have in mind need you to have, I mean, they're designed for a girl that has a bosom."

"You mean I get to have breasts?"

"Exactly."

"That's great!"

Wow, did she look relieved.

"It's sort of a sensitive topic, especially considering that you're… uh…"

"I'm trans, right? Don't worry, Mrs G, I've been getting a bit jealous of some of my friends at school who have started to develop."

Hey - I was sophisticated. I had been surfing the Internet about boys who wanted to be girls, even if I wasn't absolutely positive that was me. I could sling the jargon as well as anyone by then. Sometimes it made adults a bit nervous, but that didn't bother me one bit.

"Then you won't mind if we ask you to wear some enhancers for the show?"

I looked over at my mother sitting there grinning at me. Now I knew what she was hiding.

"Mind? I've been trying to figure out how to ask my folks about falsies."

Mrs G winced at the word 'falsies' but I was excited.

"How soon can we get them?" I asked.

"How about… now?"

"Cool!"

"Your mother was kind enough to supply me with the correct size, so I have a new bra for you, even if it's anachronistic. Women didn't wear bras back then."

"Huh? What did they wear?"

"Proper women were corseted, and had their bodies twisted into all kinds of ridiculous shapes to please fashion. It's a good thing you're living now, it would have been very hard to be cross-gender before bras and silicone breasts were invented. Back then corsets simply provided a shelf for a woman's breast to rest on while squeezing her insides inside out."

"But I don't have to wear one?"

"No, we're not going to be that authentic in period costuming. You won't have to wear sixty-three petticoats and a dozen camisoles. Our dresses will zip up the back so you can change quickly. It would take hours to change if we tried to use period clothing."

"That's good, I guess."

"You certainly wouldn't want to dress like they really did."

You can check a film clip on You-Tube and see just what they had to put up with. I did and Mrs G was right!

At the time it didn't make all that much difference, all I could think of is that I could have breasts, breasts like the other girls were getting. I eagerly took off my shirt and put on the new bra. Mrs G handed me the forms and I put them in the cups. They were only size A, but on my skinny young body they looked just about right. I skinned out of my jeans and Mrs G helped me into the first dress. Not what I would have wanted if we were going shopping, but it did look like the illustrations in The Secret Garden.

Mrs G fussed and pinned until she was satisfied, then I took it off and put on the second one. Different colors, but much the same design. More fussing and pinning - fortunately no pins stuck me - Mrs G was a professional. Then one more - this one for the scene where Mary sees all the ghosts. It was all ethereal and white and floaty. I loved it. I had to wonder where the ghosts in the musical came from as they weren't in the book, but if the ghosts let me wear this wonderful dress I wasn't going to ask too many questions.

The fitting done, I asked Mrs G "Do I get to keep the…" and I gestured at my filled bra cups. I didn't want to say 'falsies' again because Mrs G didn't seem to like the word.

"They're yours, dear. After all, your mother bought them for you."

I scampered over and hugged mom, ignoring the fact that I was only wearing my bra and panties.

"Happy, Annie?" asked Mom.

"Yes!!!"

Did she even have to ask?

"There is only one problem, though."

"Rut-roh!" I quoted the words of one of my favorite cartoon characters. "What problem?"

"We're going to have to take you shopping for new bras."

"Some problem!" Sometimes mothers can be a pain! Too bad we had already eaten dinner, no McDonalds but I suppose having breasts made up for it.

 

I didn't realize it then, but that was a watershed moment in my young life. Up until I had seen myself in the mirror as a young woman with a visible bust, I had simply been content to live as a girl because it let me go to Ursuline. Boy or girl didn't matter all that much to me until then; if girl equaled Ursuline then I'd be a girl.

After having been a girl for a few weeks I was starting to realize that I had more friends and was happier than I had ever been. When I saw Mary in the mirror I suddenly realized that I wanted to be a girl. I enjoyed being a girl. It was no longer me playing a part, it was me being me.

Being surrounded by girls on the cusp of womanhood - developing figures, getting their first periods, starting to notice boys in a whole new way - I realized that that's just who I wanted to be. And my mother was about to take me shopping for my first bra that wasn't just to get me used to wearing a bra - it was actually needed because I was going to have breasts.

Breasts just like a girl. Suddenly it seemed unfair that I had to use falsies and couldn't have my own real breasts just like a real girl.

Some of the stuff I had read on the Internet that didn't really make sense because I was so young now fell into place. All this stuff about doctors and hormones and whatever was now personal. It was at that point that I realized I would never want to go back to being Daniel. I was Annie deep down in my being.

Mom was surprised at just how excited I was to be buying my new bras. That night I couldn't force myself to take my new bra off, I slept with my forms hugging my body and dreamed of being a real girl.

 

Little did I know that my parents weren't doing much dreaming. My liberal parents, determined to raise kids without gender stereotypes, had begun to realize that theory and practice were two very different things. Mom and Dad later told me that they spent a long time discussing what they should do with their son who was a daughter. What was best for me? What was best for them?

I was blissfully unaware of their turmoil, but they did have several sessions with Doctor Phil without me, trying to learn and decide what was the best course. The answer boiled down to: be supportive and then wait and see.

Now that I'm a parent I know just how hard it must have been for them. I count myself lucky that I had such wonderful people as parents.

Chapter 12 - Tales Of Boobs and Bubbles

By Sunday my wonderful, fabulous, womanly new breasts had me in a sticky situation. Really. The things kept sticking to my chest. I had to look around and if nobody was looking I kind of stuck my fingers in my bra and tried to adjust them to be more comfortable.

Having pieces of plastic in intimate contact with your chest was not so fun if it's warm. I still liked how I looked with my new breasts, but they weren't so comfortable sometimes. No way I was going to admit it, though. I guess I was enough of a girl to suffer for fashion's sake. Looks trumped comfort every time.

Monday at school I got several close looks but nobody said anything until lunch. It wasn't until Janine rolled up in her chair and sat at the table that anyone had the nerve to say anything.

"I see someone got tired of waiting for her boobies to come in, eh Annie?"

"Uh… Janine…" I stammered. "Just blurt it out, why doncha?

Maybe you could get it announced over the PA so everybody knows," taunted Kelly.

"Yeah! Not everybody has honkers like yours, Janine. Give us a break."

"You going to start pointing out who has her period next?"

"Hey guys," I said. "They're falsies, OK No big deal. I can't do home grown."

"Jeez - you can't? How come?"

"Genetic condition."

"Jeez yourself, Allie. Want I should ask about your boobies?"

"When I get some go right ahead."

"And why don't you have boobies, then?"

Can we talk about something else? I'm trying to eat lunch here."

"Awright! Sorry I asked," Janine apologized. "It's not like random strangers don't ask what happened to my legs all the time. You kinda get used to it."

"But boobies are sort of personal."

"Yeah, it's not like you can share them, is it?"

"That's not what he said!"

"Gross!"

"I'm trying to eat here, darn it!"

"Good thing they don't have Jello today. It kind of wiggles like…Ouch!"

"Guys! We're attracting attention."

"Isn't that what boobies are for?"

"You want to explain to Old Dragon Breath what we're talking about?"

"I'm just an innocent child who's fallen in with bad companions."

"Annie? Any chance you can talk to my parents and convince them I need a little help up top?"

"As if. Some acting jobs are beyond even my professional abilities."

"So how did you convince your folks you should have boobies?"

"I didn't have to - the next part I'm playing is a girl who should have a better figure than I do. The Periactus Players furnished my endowments."

"Annie got a boob job! Annie got a boob job!"

"Shut up. Here she comes!"

"Good afternoon, Ladies," spoke Old Dragon Breath. You seem to be having a voluble discussion. Would you fill me in on the subject?"

"We were discussing the new part I'm going to be playing. We're doing The Secret Garden this spring.

"I didn't know the drama class was going to be doing that show."

"Not the drama class. I'm with the Periactus Players. I'm going to be Mary Lennox."

"Indeed! That's a very challenging role."

"I'm looking forward to it."

"Well, I can hope the audience is as enthusiastic as your compatriots at the table. Try to finish you lunch without disturbing anyone else, please girls?"

There was a chorus of 'Yes, ma'ams' all around.

 

I didn't know it at the time, but this was going to be one of the most memorable days in my young life - and not just because I had those new curves. After lunch we all returned to the classroom and Mrs Solis. (remember I was in the 5th grade and we stayed in the same class all day. It wasn't until 7th grade that we got to change rooms for each class.) There was something new in the back of the classroom, as tall as I was and swathed in bubble wrap.

Mrs Solis was one of those teachers who let her students have fun, so she had us remove the bubble wrap to see what was inside. We happily did so and when we finished we had a big pile of bubble wrap and a new computer kiosk. We were all ready to use the computer but had to wait until it could be connected by the IT people, which was disappointing.

We were consoled when Jenny popped a bubble on the bubble wrap with a satisfying sound. Mrs Solis, perhaps realizing we would get absolutely nothing done until we satisfied our primal urges, let us pop away. Janine told us to put one of the big pieces on the floor and she would show us something cool. We did and she proceeded to run her wheelchair over it and it sounded like a war movie as the bubbles popped beneath the wheels.

Harmless fun, right? The only problem was every school official was hyperaware of school shootings and the sound of gunfire coming from a classroom caused chaos. Not only that, but the Headmistress, Mrs DeVoss just happened to be passing the classroom when the wheels hit the bubble wrap.

Say what you like, Mrs DeVos cared for her students far more than her personal safety. She opened the door to the classroom and ran in ready to tackle a gunman before any more of her students could be harmed, and was followed by Mr James who dove in low and rolled to a stop to spring up ready to attack, only to be confronted with a pack of giggling girls.

There was sudden silence and Mrs Solis turned white as she realized her mistake in letting us pop with abandon. The chaos quickly resumed as everybody tried to explain what was happening at the same time. I'm sure that Mrs DeVos and Mr James were relieved that there wasn't a gunman, and when they recovered we spent a half an hour or so discussing how actions can have unplanned consequences.

We all, teachers and students alike, had a learning experience. It wasn't until some years later that I realized how lucky I was to be going to Ursuline where the staff had the wisdom to take advantage of the unexpected opportunity to show the students how to think and behave in such a crisis situation.

 

Now that I was at Ursuline, I got home just about the same time as Kate did. Kate and I seemed to be getting along a bit better as sisters than we did when I was her brother. Not that we were bosom buddies (even with my enhanced bosom) but she was easier to talk to. She still wouldn't let me borrow her hair dryer, though.

I had hardly walked in the door before she pounced.

"OK, little sister! I want to know your secret."

"Huh?"

"Just how did you convince Mom and Dad to get you falsies?"

"Oh? These?" I waved my hand in front of me in what I hoped was an innocent gesture.

"Yeah, those! I groveled and pleaded with Mom when I was your age because I didn't have anything up top. Nada! Zip! Zilch! 'Just wait until you're older, sweetie!' "

Kate could be pretty darn sarcastic.

"I didn't even ask for them."

"I hate you! You're a little twerp."

"Nah, that was your brother. He's gone away. It doesn't look like you got shortchanged in the boobie department, so why complain?"

"Because I had to wait and you just got them overnight!"

"Well, there you go! I can't grow my own boobs - genetic condition, y'know - and you can. I'd rather have the real thing, these things feel sticky when I get hot."

"Poor, little baby girl! I'm gonna cry you a river."

"Hey - I've got to wait even longer than you. Doctor Phil won't even prescribe me the stuff that will keep me from turning into The Hulk until I've been a girl for six months. I have to wait until I'm sixteen until he will give me the pills so I can really start to look like a girl all by myself. How would you like it if you had to wait another whole year until you could start to grow your own boobs?"

"When you put it like that… You're really serious about wanting to be a girl, aren't you?"

"Well duh!"

"I know you're into the whole girl thing, but like… forever?"

"I think so. 'Course nobody is going to let me do anything permanent until I get older. What do kids know?"

I could be sarcastic myself.

"Tell me about it!"

"Once upon a time there was a teenage girl who knew…"

"You want to get that operation right now?"

"There is such a thing as too much help. So, since Mom wouldn't let you have falsies you couldn't tell me how to make them more comfortable."

"I suppose you could always Google it. I haven't got a clue."

"Not a bad Idea. Thanks, Kate."

"You're still a twerp and I hate you for getting falsies when I couldn't."

Sisters!

Chapter 13 - Questions

I was a busy girl, what with studies and activities, but I loved it. I gradually changed my bedroom to a place more suitable to a girl, but I wasn't in a great hurry. I decided that girls can like some of the same things that boys do, so I kept a lot of what was already there.

Doctor Phil was impressed by how easily I adopted a girl's mindset. I think that part of it was my acting experience, where I had to think myself into being someone different than just me. Part of it was that I liked being a girl in a girl's school a whole lot. Dad says part of it is my general cussedness. He says I may have gotten my looks from my birth mother but I got my dogged perseverance from my birth father. He should know, they were his friends.

I may have been a little disappointed that nobody at school got too excited that I had breasts, but Doctor Phil spotted it before I even sat down.

"Well Annie, I see you have blossomed since our last meeting."

"Aren't girls supposed to be flower around my age?" I teased.

"Indeed they are. I suppose you aren't the first girl to need a bit of help in filling her form."

"Hey Doc! It's a professional necessity."

"You don't say. That's the first time I've heard that explanation."

"Seriously. I'm playing Mary in the Secret Garden. She's a bit older and farther along the developmental path than I would be, even if I had the right genetics. The wardrobe mistress supplied my - uhm - enhancements."

"And have they enhanced anything besides your figure?"

"Well, they make me feel more like the other girls."

"Not something to sneer at, Annie. How do you fit in with the other girls?"

"Pretty well. I have a few new friends and most of the other girls just seem to think I'm OK. My friend Aileen and I are still dancing together and my friend Janine is real interesting. She's in a wheelchair and…"

So we talked about me and the four months that Annie had been part of my life. The details don't matter for this story, but Doctor Phil seemed satisfied I was doing well.

 

The major complication of life at home had nothing to do with me being a girl. The problem was that since Ursuline was so advanced, much of my homework required a computer. Kate, as a high school student needed computer time. Sam wanted to play games. Mom used the computer for research or to log on to her company's servers when needed and Dad liked to just troll the net. In other words, we had a high-tech traffic jam.

Dad grumbled about how nobody ever used to need a computer and how high tech was ruining the nation. I don't think he was serious because he kept swiping Scrooge's lines from Dickens' Christmas Carol. With five people wanting time on two computers, Mom and Dad finally broke down and bought Kate and me our own laptops. Naturally, Sam was miffed the he didn't get one, but somehow our parents didn't put the same value on computer gaming that he did.

Kate and I got the "we trust you so don't abuse the computer" lecture and were allowed to keep them in our bedrooms. We were also told that there was parental spyware on them so don't try to pull a fast one. My parents weren't completely trusting.

Naturally, I wanted to find out about other people like me. As I look back, I'm glad my parents installed some filters on my new computer. Naturally, the primitive filters of the time cut out a lot of information just because of the prejudice against transfolk, but I certainly wasn't ready for the plethora of porn an innocent search would return.

What I did find was often beyond my twelve-year-old comprehension, but I did manage to get some useful information. What sticks most in my mind was the incredible range of pictures of men who wanted to be women. They ranged from disgusting to stunningly beautiful, and I began to have an inkling I wasn't the only one who wanted to change. Sure, Doctor Phil and my parents had assured me that I was unusual but not completely unique, but actually seeing pictures was reassuring.

Well, some of them, anyway.

What wasn't reassuring was reading about what happens to boys at puberty. Despite how quickly it had all happened, I was sure that I felt more like a girl than a boy. I didn't want to go through puberty as a boy. Suddenly those 'birds and bees' talks from Mom and Dad had a very personal meaning. The whole 'you're going to start getting hairy and your voice will get lower and you'll get more muscles didn't sound too bad when I was thinking like a boy, but now that I was thinking like a girl…

'But wait! There's more!' as those annoying ads say on TV. Reading online made me remember that Doctor Phil had mentioned that there were medicines that could put off puberty for me. I had kind of buried that under all the other stuff I was going through learning how to be a girl at a girl's school, but now I got interested. The next time I saw Doctor Phil (in three weeks) I would have to ask some questions. Then I realized I needed to ask Mom and Dad those questions, too.

"Dad? I need to ask you something."

"Is it going to mean I need my lawyer present?"

"Dad!"

"Go ahead and ask, Annie."

"I've been thinking about what will happen to me when I start growing up."

"Ah, I see. I suppose you're just about to the stage where that will happen. I don't think that Annie would be happy to have a mustache and bulging biceps."

"Daddy!"

"Y'know, kid? Teasing Annie is a lot more fun than teasing Danny."

"Now I know why girls talk to their mothers about serious stuff!"

"I suppose it is serious stuff. I'm beginning to think that you really are Annie and that isn't going to change."

"Me too. Daddy?"

"Go ahead… I'll try to stay serious."

"Remember when we first talked to Doctor Phil he said there were medicines that would stop me getting all macho? I think I want to talk to him about stuff like that."

"That's right. They're called anti-androgens. You know what a androgen is?"

"I think so. The hormones that tell your body to be a boy."

"Close enough. Sometime in the next year or two your body will start producing more testosterone and you would develop the usual male characteristics. The drugs can stop that for a while until everybody is convinced you really want to grow up a girl."

"Of course I do!"

"You do now. But a year ago had you even thought about being a girl?"

"Uh… A little bit."

"But not much, right? It wasn't something that you absolutely, positively needed to do?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Don't worry, most boys wonder what it would be like to be a girl, and girls wonder about being boys sometimes. Only a very few ever start to think about it seriously. That's why Doctor Phil needs to know you for a while before he thinks about prescribing anything. Those are powerful drugs and there are side effects."

"Oh."

"Annie, there's always side effects and unintended consequences to anything. Like you may get some breast growth once you start taking the pills. I know, you won't be all that upset about that, but you might have some cramps or dizziness or diarrhea as well while your body gets used to the new hormones."

"Jeez - it sounds like Kate when she has her period sometimes."

"Well, you do want to grow up to be a woman, it's only fair."

"I guess…"

"Relax, kid. You shouldn't have to put up with the bad stuff for long. Just remember that your voice will be good for singing woman's roles for the rest of your life. I don't think that Miss Mary in Secret Garden would be convincing as a baritone."

"Have they decided who else will be in the production?"

"Some - your sister will be Martha, your mother is going to be Mrs Medlock and I'm going to be grumpy old Ben."

"Type casting?"

"Certainly! It looks like Dickon is going to be played as a mystic type and not as a kid like in the book - we couldn't find anyone the right age we thought could handle the part. Sam gets to be one of the ghosts and the Wilson twins will be the Craven brothers. Mrs Gold gets to be the ghost of Lilly."

"Sounds good. They sure took some liberties with the book for the musical."

"Don't they always? Anyway, I think the musical does capture the spirit of the book but leaves out much of the overblown prose from the time period."

"Yeah, some of it was pretty thick."

"Everybody's a critic."

"Hey - you're pretty good, Dad."

"Of course."

"No, I mean you managed to change the subject from me getting hormones."

"Didn't mean to. I'll give Doctor Phil a call and see if he can fit us in early to talk about it. Wouldn't want you voice to start changing in the middle of the show."

"Ouch!"

Save the ouches for when he sticks a needle in you."

"Daddy!"

Chapter 14 - The Birthday Party

Have you ever gotten so busy that you forget some important stuff? By the middle of February I was settling in to my new school and new friends and identity. If I wasn't doing homework or thinking about school I was thinking about the upcoming play, learning the songs and dialog and wondering who was going to be playing Colin and Dickon.

I was on the new computer looking for information for my history homework and jumped about a mile when Mom touched my shoulder to get my attention. I hadn't even heard her come into the room.

"Someone's really deep into her research, unless she's reading online comics."

"Ha-ha-ha!"

Take a break and think about something else for a minute."

"What?"

"How about who you want to invite to your birthday party."

It took me a few seconds to get the history out of my head and return to current events.

"Wow! I guess it's almost my birthday, isn't it?"

"And this year you get to have an actual birthday."

Being born on February 29th means you only get to celebrate on your actual birthday every fourth year.

"Cool!"

"Except the 29th is a Tuesday so your party will probably have to be on the 26th. Sometimes you can't win."

"Darn!"

Since I was at the computer, I asked it for the next time my actual birthday would be on a Saturday.

"Hey - I have to wait until 2020 before my real birthday is on a Saturday. That means I'm going to be thirty-two. That's old!"

"Watch it, kiddo! Your mother is thirty-three and I am not old!"

"Oh."

Since I am presently thirty-three years old as I'm writing this I have to agree with Mom. I had a big mouth as a kid, but I have to say my birthday party in 2020 was a complete bust. It shouldn't have meant that much that the first time in my life that my actual birthday happened on a Saturday was in 2020, but I had kind of been looking forward to throwing a big party that year. Who would have thought we would be in quarantine and hoping not to get that damned virus?

But back to birthday number twelve. Mom and dad imposed a limit of six kids, probably to preserve their sanity. Naturally, Aileen and Janine came to mind first, and I thought it would be nice to invite my cousin Linda. But then I got stuck.

That's when it hit me - in my excitement in going to Ursuline and learning to be a girl I had pretty much abandoned my old friends. In taking the time to figure out who I wanted to come to my birthday party I realized that I was missing the people I went to school with before I switched to Ursuline, and that brought back memories of New Year's Eve. Bobby, Charlie and even Jake, who made it clear I wasn't his favorite person.

Should I invite them? Well anyway Charlie and Bobby - I didn't think Jake would be the life of the party, so to speak. If I did, then it was inevitable that Aileen and Janine would find out I was trans - not something I wanted to publicize. I had read of some of the nasty things that had happened to trans kids on line, I sure wasn't interested in having that happen to me.

But they were all my friends…

Only one thing to do - wait until Mom and Dad got home and talk to them. A great idea, but exactly at that moment Kate came wandering in to the room.

"Whatcha staring at, sis?" she asked.

"Uh, just pondering."

I had recently learned the word and that seemed like a great time to use it.

"You do know that you have to be twenty-one to legally ponder in this state?"

"I don't see any cops or flashing blue lights, so I'm safe."

"You might think so, but when the blue lights start flashing you're about to be abducted by aliens."

"Then I wouldn't have to worry about the cops."

"Yeah, and the poor little green buggers would get awfully confused when they tried to impregnate you with a little space baby."

"You're sick!"

"This from a guy who thinks he's a girl?"

"Not any worse than a sister who thinks she's a comic."

"Har-har."

"Uh, Kate? You're supposed to make the audience laugh, not yourself."

"Now she's a critic!"

"Seriously, Kate. I'm trying to decide who to invite to my birthday party."

"What's so hard about… Oh, I getcha! Danny's friends or Annie's friends."

"Or both."

"And Annie's friends don't really know about Danny."

"Yeah."

"I don't know, Annie. It's gonna happen sometime."

"But is my birthday party a good place for it?"

"Well, Mom and Dad already bought you your presents so you got that covered."

"Someone could still squash a cake in my face."

"I'd do with whipped cream frosting and electric candles as a precaution."

"Thanks a lot! You've been a big help, sis."

"Think nothing of it. Seriously, if they are really friends, maybe you should tell them before the party."

"I know, but…"

"You talked to Doctor Phil?"

"No, not yet."

"Then like maybe you should. Pick up the phone and leave a message."

So that's what I did, then waited until he called back. In the end, Doctor Phil agreed with Kate - I should tell everybody when I invited them to my party.

 

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to tell my Ursuline friends about who I was so I could invite them to my birthday party. I had constructed all kinds of outlandish scenarios in my head - hey, I was an actor, remember? I had finally gotten some time alone in one of the study nooks with Janine and Aileen to spring my question when Janine beat me to it, inviting both me and Aileen to a slumber party at her house.

Ah, another stereotypical dilemma for these kind of stories.

"Janine, I need to tell you something before I answer about the slumber party. Well, two things, actually"

"What?"

"Well, having me there might get your parents excited."

"So what? I'm excited to have you come to my house."

"Not that kind of excited, girlfriend. Unhappy excited."

"I don't believe a word of it!"

"You've kinda mentioned that your folks are pretty religious."

"Sure. So am I, I guess. I know you aren't but that doesn't make any difference to me. If there's one thing my folks believe it's that everybody has to find their own path to God."

"Did God make your path ADA accessible?"

I had learned a lot from Janine about accessibility, like how hard it was to remodel her house when she had to use a wheelchair after the accident. Janine could talk you ear off about how people never thought about someone in a wheelchair when they were designing a building even after decades of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

"You're bad!"

"Sorry, couldn't help it.

"You certainly need help, Annie."

"Don't I know it. Janine, do your or your folks have problems with LGBT types?"

"Huh? Where did that come from?"

"Unless you're talking to a ghost it came from me." She stuck out her tongue and made a rude noise. "Seriously, girlfriend."

"I don't know. Not something we've talked about much. I know they've laughed at some of the pictures of the floats in the Pride Parade."

"Nice laugh or nasty laugh?"

"Sorta 'that's weird' laugh. What's this all about?"

"Janine, I'm trans. I don't want to get you into trouble."

"Huh? What's trans?"

Now that was the last thing I was expecting. I suppose most people go through life without ever knowing they've met anyone trans, but to not even know what the word means? Weird!

So I had to tell her what it was, all the time wondering where her head had been during our inclusiveness lectures. I guess with some people if it doesn't affect them personally they just sort of gloss over it. Just like I had heard Janine complain about people who ignored the ADA until something happened to them.

After a while I noticed Aileen was looking at me with her mouth open.

"Close your mouth or you'll catch flies, Aileen."

"So that's it!"

"Yeah?"

"Your genetic condition!"

"Yeah. That's it."

"And why you never changed with the rest of us at dance class."

"Yup."

"And you didn't tell me!"

"I just did."

"Not now, you doofus - like all those months in dance class."

"What, I should just blurt out that I was born a boy in front of everybody?"

"No, you doofus! You could have told me, your BFF!"

"She just did, Aileen," snarked Janine. But I don't get it. You want to be a girl?"

"Duh! I just said that."

"But why? How?"

So I talked to them about how this all happened. I was glad for the time I spent with Doctor Phil so I could put things in some kind of coherent order.

"...so that's why I'm a little hesitant about going to a sleepover," I finished.

"Holy crap! I think we missed the school bus!"

I had gone on quite a while and the normal bus was long gone.

"I guess we take the late bus, then. Anyway, I'd love to come to the slumber party if your folks don't get upset. But that wasn't why I wanted to talk to you."

"Oh joy! You gonna drop another bomb?"

"Nah, I just want to invite you to my birthday party."

"Wow! Party Central! I'm in!" said Aileen.

"Me too," chorused Janine. "That is if we can get me in your house."

"We'll figure it out. Maybe one of my guy friends can carry you over the threshold."

"Now wait a minute!"

"You don't have to say 'I do' before he picks you up, you know."

"Smartass. Is he cute?"

"Don't ask me, I'm more into girls. I think."

"You must be if you want to be one."

"Stop right there! We start talking about that we'll miss the late bus."

"I'm thinking what my parents don't know won't hurt me, Annie," Janine said.

"But it might hurt me if they figure it out at the wrong time. You gotta tell them, OK?"

"OK. I'll let you know."

Chapter 15 - Inviting An Old Friend

Screwing up my courage, I knocked on the front door of a house I knew well.

"Hi Mrs Ellis. Is Craig home?"

"He's in the family room. Come in and I'll show you where to find him."

Naturally I knew where the family room was, but Mrs Ellis obviously didn't recognize the girl in the Ursuline school uniform, bedecked with hair ribbons and earrings, as her son's friend Danny.

"Craig, you have a friend to see you," she said as we came to the family room.

"Cool." A pause. "Danny?'

"Just 'Annie' these days. It's been a while, Craig. I'm sorry I sort of ignored you since I changed schools."

"Holy sh…"

With his mother standing there he quickly squelched his first reaction.

"See - you were right after all. I was turning into a girl."

His poor mother was looking confused.

"I'm sorry, Mrs Ellis. I used to be known as Danny, but I'm transgendered. Now my name is Annie. I used to go to school with Craig but now I'm at the Ursuline academy.

"So that's why I thought you looked familiar. You certainly have some interesting friends, Craig."

"Aww, he… she's not bad once you get used to her. 'Course she dumped her old friends once she got into the fancy rich girl's school."

"I didn't mean to but I've been kinda busy with homework and dance and chorus and the play and such."

"So you're still taking dance classes?"

"Yeah. Irish step dancing these days."

"What the heck is that?"

"Stuff like this." I did a short sequence of steps. "It's really cool when I'm wearing the embroidered dresses that go with it."

"And you like wearing dresses?" he said in amazement.

"I'm getting confused here, children."

"Mom, you remember Dan Loesser, right? From the family that were all crazy actors?"

"Crazy actor may be redundant, though," I said.

"In your case, crazy is descriptive."

"Craig!" His mother had a look that warned him against further comment.

"I am unusual, though, Mrs Ellis. I started out life as a boy but I've come to realize I'm happier as a girl. A lot of people can't understand that, so don't worry if you're confused. It used to confuse me, too."

"This may take some getting used to…"

I was seized with an almost uncontrollable urge to burst into song. Tomorrow! The sun'll come out tomorrow…"

Occupational hazard when you perform in musicals.

"Anyway, I came over to invite Craig to my birthday party. I'd like my old friends to meet some of my new friends."

"Are you serious?" goggled Craig.

"Of course. You get to met some of the other Ursuline girls, dude."

"Well, in that case - sure!"

You might get the impression that Craig was further along the path to puberty than I was. Anyway, I gave them all the details and then hung out with Craig. Playing video games, of course.

Yeah, sure… In the old days Craig wasn't sneaking peeks at my breasts. He may have been an old friend, but I wasn't going to tell him how those bumps got there. Finally I couldn't stand it any longer.

"Dude, you're going to lose if you keep trying to watch my tits. Give it a break, OK?"

"Uh…"

"It's OK, dude. They're kinda new for me, too."

"Uh…"

"It's a little different speculating about someone's tits with the guys in the locker room than with me in your rec room, isn't it?"

"Uh…"

"Did anyone ever compliment you on your sparkling conversation?"

"Cut that out!"

"Oh goodie! I was beginning to think you only knew one word for a minute."

"Don't worry too much, the girls at school speculate about their breasts all the time. Not quite like you guys do, though."

"They do?"

"Sure. Mostly they want bigger boobs to impress the guys."

"Damn!"

"Sort of the girl's version of comparing dicks."

"Uh…"

"Get over it, Craig. I used to be a boy and I haven't forgotten what it was like. I still want to be friends, so get used to the way I am and concentrate on the game, dude."

So we played the video game just like the old days. Just like the old days he beat the skirt off me since I don't play video games much.

That's a metaphorical skirt, don't be crude.

 

So I went on to invite Bobby and Charlie to the party, too. It was a close-run thing with Charlie, his mother wasn't too sure she wanted her son hanging around with a boy-turned-girl, but his Dad wasn't buying it. Funny thing, that - in the stories it's usually the man who's the heavy, but I guess in this liberated age that women can be touchy on the subject as well. In any case, I had my six guests lined up, now all I had to do is hope that the new friends got along with the old friends.

They were all my friends, right? I hoped all of my friends were the type of people who would like each other.

Chapter 16 - A Birthday Surprise

My twelfth birthday party was quite a departure from those in the past. Previous parties were just a bunch of guys getting together to hang out and stuff themselves with ice cream and cake. This year the topic of sex had become apparent.

Not that kind of sex! C'mon, we were only twelve years old, but we had all begun to notice the difference between boys and girls. Especially me.

Well duh!

My transition to being a girl at school was relatively trouble free. The whole boy/girl thing just didn't matter too much to me up until then, but now that I was spending most of my time with girls and talking about the things girls talk about, I was starting to realize that it was something significant. Having a party with friends from both worlds brought that into sharp focus.

Things were a bit awkward at the start, but Mom wasn't going to let that keep on. She had several party games ready that forced us to do things together. As a soon-to-be teenager I was somewhat embarrassed by Mom taking over, but we did have a good time.

Somewhere along the line I noticed that Craig was sticking awfully close to Aileen.

Craig was as far ahead of the puberty line as I was behind it. I was starting to realize that he was interested in Aileen that way! Aileen was showing signs of being just as interested in return. The funny thing was, I was starting to notice Janine in that same way, but it took Craig dancing around Aileen to make me realize it.

Now that was one helluva birthday surprise.

Speaking of Janine, I was glad we lived in a ranch house, otherwise Janine and her wheelchair could have been quite a problem. The patio sliding doors were wide enough to let her in the place. While our place was far from designed to be accessible, she could navigate pretty easily. Until, that is, when she had to use the bathroom. The door to the bathroom was just too small to pass her chair. The other problem was there were no grab bars to let her get onto the toilet by herself.

The party had been going strong for a while and we had all been guzzling juice and soda and gorfing ice cream when what went in had to come out. Janine took me aside and asked me if I could help her into the bathroom. If you remember, we met when we were both in need of a bathroom, so I was glad to help.

That is until I realized that, in the present case, help included helping her skin out of her panties before I settled her on the toilet. Physically, not much of a problem because she weighed much less than I did, but mentally!

Mentally - oh boy! Even though I was pretty sure I wanted to be a girl I had started to notice girls. Maybe I wasn't as far behind in the puberty sweepstakes as everybody thought and those testosterone blockers were still pretty new.

Dammit, I got an erection!

Not much of one, granted, but I sure noticed it. Fortunately she didn't, but I started to understand all those birds-and-bees talks a lot more clearly. Suffice it to say we had to get pretty damned intimate to let her use the toilet.

As I carried her back out to her chair she gave me a kiss. On the lips. Oh boy! Without doubt the best birthday present I had gotten that day. As I lowered her down into her chair, my head spinning, I realized just how strong Janine was. Since she used her arms to move herself around, she was damned strong. I had been afraid I might lose my grip on her body because my head was spinning, but there was no worry about that. She had me in a hug that wouldn't quit. In fact, she wasn't ready to let go and seat herself, so I kissed her back.

Eventually we had to let go. Not sure just what had happened, we just grinned at each other like fools.

"I liked that…" I said rather in a daze.

"Me too. We have to do it again some time."

"How about right…"

Rats! Someone else was heading for the bathroom. Neither of us were ready to be quite so public about what had just happened, so I took hold of the handles of her chair to guide her back to the party.

No matter what happened after that, it was the most memorable birthday I had ever had.

 

What's with the 'thousand yard stare,' kiddo?"

"Huh? Oh, hi Dad."

"Did Mom goof up and slip you some of the Zombie Juice instead of the punch at the party?"

"No. Not that. It's just…"

"Don't tell me - let me guess! Either the Doc screwed up on your hormones or you're in love."

"Daaaaad!"

"Must be love, hormones wouldn't act that fast unless they were natural."

"Jeez Dad!"

"We all go through it, kiddo. Dare I ask who?

"Uh… Janine?"

"Interesting… I won't ask what happened…"

"She kissed me, Dad."

"Sounds promising. Nice romantic start if you're lucky."

"Romantic? Jeez Dad, I was helping her use the toilet."

"I suppose I should ask your sister if any of her romance novels start out like that."

"Daaaaad!"

"Hey! We could start a whole new genre - transgender paraplegic toileting romance. Dirty love on wheels!"

"Daaaaad!"

"First real kiss, I assume?"

"Uh, yeah..."

"Enjoy it?"

"Uh, yeah…"

"Kiss her back?"

"Yeah!"

"Finally! Some enthusiasm. 'Course, such things are downright confusing at your age."

"You got that right!"

"So take some advice from your dear old Dad: take it slow, spend some time together and it's probably a good idea not to make out at school."

"Daaaaad!"

 

Chapter 17 - The Secret Garden

In what seemed no time at all, rehearsals for The Secret Garden started. But before I get into that, I have to take a little side trip and talk about some of the really stupid names that some parents hang on their children. Grandpa tells me that he almost named Mom 'Cellar Door' because it is so euphonious. I hope he's putting me on, but with Grandpa you never can tell… And then there was Mom's story of a kid named Bambi in her first grade class. Cute name for a girl, but this kid was a black boy. I couldn't think of a better way to guarantee the guy will have to fight his way through life.

I tell you this because Colin was played by a new kid in town, Dylan Thomas. No, I was not sharing the bill with a dead Welsh poet, but his father was a big fan of the original Dylan Thomas' poetry. Since chance dictated he possessed the surname 'Thomas,' he named his firstborn son for his favorite poet.

And no, I hadn't read any of the famous Dylan's poetry at the time, I just knew the name. It's a good thing I have literary parents or I wouldn't have had a clue that coincidence had once again struck my young life.

His mother, some kind of high muckity-muck with a tech firm, had been transferred here last fall and Dylan, with his father's approval, decided to try out for the part. Must have been a good idea since he got the part, but nobody really knew him. His family lived on the other side of town, so he didn't go to school with anyone I knew but he turned out to be a pretty nice guy.

We were introduced at our first read-through. He looked a little bit intimidated, being the new kid and all. So intimidated, in fact, that I just gave him a hug and welcomed him to our group. I guess you can figure out that by this time I was so into being a girl that I never thought hugging a boy was anything strange. I felt his body relax after a second when he realized we were going to be nice to him.

"You look too darn healthy to be and invalid, Dylan. You're going to need a lot of makeup at first."

"Nah, I just have to get on the wrong side of my sister and I'll look like I'm at death's door."

"And when do I get to meet her? I may need some tips to cope with my own brother."

"No way! She's too scary to let that sort of thing get out! Boy's code of honor, and all that.

Heh-heh-heh. If he only knew!

"I didn't know boys had a code of honor."

"Of course we do, but I’m sworn to secrecy to keep it away from any girls.”

“Ooohhh! A challenge! Hey Kate! I'm gonna need some help to worm the deep, dark secrets out of Dylan."

"It'll cost ya, squirt. What deep, dark secrets is she trying to worm out of you, anyway?"

"Hey! I'm not falling for that one! This charming young lady is trying to get me to break the Boy's Code of Honor."

"Huh! As if any boy had a Code of Honor."

"I just said that, Kate."

"I guess you're not as dumb as you look. Do we play twenty questions or do we just go right to the dungeon and start torturing him?"

"Can it wait until we read through the script? I wouldn't want to blow my lines because I was whimpering in abject fear."

"I suppose… but you're going to have to be a lot more wishy-washy if you want to be a convincing Colin. The things they did to that poor kid were really awful!" growled Kate.

"Yeah! Just wait until you meet my friend Janine, she's gonna be your disability coach."

"Disability coach? What the heck is that?"

"She's a paraplegic and in a wheelchair. She's gonna help you be convincing once Colin gets his act together. She'll also give you an earful of all the crap they did wrong back in the olden days."

"Sounds like an interesting person."

"Yeah. She's my Bestie these days."

 

Things got awfully busy in my life, what with the show, school and school chorus.

As rehearsals for Secret Garden progressed, Janine took to hanging around even when her two cents weren't needed. She spent a lot of time with Mrs Garabaldi, the wardrobe mistress, and somehow found herself helping to alter costumes, sort things and generally be Mrs G's assistant. She had no desire to be on the stage, but the technical end of production appealed to her.

I got a laugh thinking about the wild-ass basketball player sitting demurely sewing embroidery on frothy costuming. We modern girls have many talents.

Chapter 18 - A Budding Romance

There is a temptation in writing this memoir to adopt the point-of-view of the all-knowing narrator, the mature wise-woman who is looking fondly at this chaotic period of my life to bring order into that chaos. I fear that would be overacting (overwriting?) because there really was no overarching hand of fate guiding my life.

A Shakespearean might say:

What fates impose, that men must needs abide;
It boots not to resist both wind and tide

Or my grandparents might put it:

The kid just went with the flow

Mom and Dad just said:

Our job is to support you as you make your own choices.

Me? I just did what felt right. I was completely satisfied to live my life as a girl. Now just why I had to find out I was a girl on the cusp of puberty is something I'll never understand, but I am certainly glad it happened before my body started to go down the masculine route.

Doctor Phil was convinced I was the real thing and I started on anti-androgens. Dad was right that my body would get a little confused at first and I got a taste of what genetic girls had to go through with cycling hormones, but it wasn't too bad.

Without testosterone coursing through my body what female hormones I was producing got free reign and I developed about half an A cup in my breasts. Pitiful, I know, but they were a source of pride nonetheless.

The hormones (or their lack) had another effect: I started to notice boys. However, I was noticing Janine far more than any boy. Her hormones must have been on the job as well, because she certainly noticed me. Between school, our budding trio and helping Dylan to be a believable invalid child we spent a lot of time together.

School was a trial for our budding romance. Of course, the rules prohibited PDAs. (Public Display of Affection if you somehow managed to miss such where you went to school) We also had the additional problems of us both being girls. (OK, you know what I mean…) Even if we could have held hands, Janine needed both hands to push her wheelchair. Of course I could have pushed her, but then my hands would have been otherwise occupied. Sometimes you can't win!

Play rehearsals were a bit better, since Janine was acting as a consultant in teaching Colin how to be convincing as the the poor little handicapped boy. Yeah I know, but remember this story was written a long time before disability rights became a popular movement.

Janine can be hell on wheels (literally!) when she gets going on a cause, and she talked the powers-that-be in the Periactus Players into inviting some disability rights groups to set up displays about modern attitudes toward disability at the performances. Just as Janine became Assistant Wardrobe Mistress by hanging out with Mrs G, I became Assistant Disability Rights Advocate by hanging out with Janine.

One of the first things I learned when I got to know Janine was the slogan Being Able-Bodied is a Temporary Condition! Like most people, I had never really thought about being disabled - if your body works like it should then it just doesn't occur to you to question it.

There are always a few who are injured in accidents, they are the ones who suddenly have to think real hard about disability. If you're like most people you feel for them, but they don't really affect your life.

When it really hits home is when you (or most likely your parents) get a bit older. The arthritis starts to bother your joints. Maybe your heart goes out, your hearing starts to weaken, your balance gets iffy. That, my friends, is a disability. Being Able-Bodied is a Temporary Condition!

Being close to Janine brought this to my attention at an unusually young age, but as I write I can see it in my grandparents, and even in Chip and Joanna.

I didn't mean to get off on a sermon, but having some real disabled folks at the performance just might have helped a few people understand a little more about those who have to fight their own body every day to keep going.

 

So back to our budding romance. We were able to hold hands every so often and even found a little time to talk together at rehearsal when neither of us were needed at the moment, but I was still plenty confused. You try being a transgendered pre-teen girl hopelessly in love with a girl in a wheelchair and see just how well your brain works.

I'm still amazed at how accommodating our parents were. A regular shuttle service developed between our house, Janine's house and Aileen's place. Since we were all of a similar size we spent many hours giggling and trading clothes. Poor Aileen was rather out of it, gushing about the cute boys in the magazines while Janine and I were more interested in each other. That's not to say Janine was blind to a cute boy, but I never truly developed that interest as fully as most girls of that age.

I suppose it's a good thing cell phones weren't all that common when this happened or Janine and I would have run up some pretty big bills. As it was, my first romance had to take a back seat to reality.

I kind of felt bad when Aileen and I were in dance lessons since that was something Janine would never be able to share with us, but I was just as happy that Janine didn't try to get me into one of those hi-tech wheelchairs and play basketball with her. She was happy to applaud at our dance recitals and I was happy to jump around and cheer for her basketball team.

Speaking of jumping around and dancing, I suppose this is as good a place as any to talk about the downside of being a transgender girl; in other words having to wear falsies if I wanted to look like a teenage girl. Believe me, I did want to look girl by this time. Actually, I wanted to be a girl. Sure, I was ambivalent at the start, but after being at Ursuline and having all my new friends I found that I was more comfortable as a girl than I ever was as a boy. Maybe that's why I was so successful at being Annie on stage.

Naturally, there were a couple of exceptions. I've mentioned those annoying bra hooks that dug into my back (I eventually solved that problem with front-hook bras, but it took a while before I discovered them. Bras for young girls all seem to hook in the back.)

I shot up, gaining several inches of height over the next few months. My uniform skirts suddenly were far enough above my knees to make Kate seriously annoyed that I could get away with wearing them until my waist required I get new ones. My new stature called for somewhat larger breasts to look balanced, so I graduated to a B cup.

This leads to the other exception - the falsies. My first set were hardly noticeable, they were small and just gave me a little bit of shape up top. When the time came for new, larger endowments I did notice them more often. Like when I was dancing. Irish dance often involves hopping and skipping, and bouncing. Every time I landed those silicon blobs bounced. To make maters worse, the longer I danced the more I sweated, and don't give me any guff about women being too feminine to do anything as gauche as sweating. The darn things were clammy.

After a couple of dancing sessions, I remembered Kate talking about sports bras, so I screwed up my courage and asked her about them. After she got done laughing, she showed me the difference between a regular bra and a sports bra. Bigger straps, heavier elastic, no adjustments, just stretch it into place. Kate was big enough by then to need some real support for athletics, I could see the difference when she put the sports bra on to show me. No bounce in her boobies, as she put it.

So I had to ask Mom about getting a couple of sports bras for me, then I had to wait for her to stop laughing.

"Jeez, Mom. Am I going to have to wait for Dad and Sam to laugh at me before I can get a sports bra?"

"I really had no idea what we were going to unleash when we got you those breast forms. I suppose it wouldn't do to have your breast plop on the floor during the middle of a dance recital."

"Mooommm!"

I suppose we can look sometime this weekend. You don't need it all that quickly."

"Before Janine's game? Cheering is as bad as dancing."

"It never ends… Kate pesters me for makeup, Sam pesters me for video games and now you pester me for lingerie.

 

Secret Garden was a triumph. This time the newspaper critic gave me an interview before the show and, while I was nervous, he was a good interviewer and I think I came off pretty well. I was pleased he completely ignored that I was transgendered and treated me as a young woman discovering her talent.

With much hard work, that talent now included doing dialects. The theatre teacher at Ursuline, while disappointed I didn't have time to be in their program, was able to coach me in sounding like a girl from India and then speaking in a Yorkshire accent. Doing voices was fun and I eventually worked up a range of characters I could draw on at need. Once I had to go out and earn a living, being a voice actor helped to fill the gaps when stage roles were thin on the ground.

Chapter 19 - High School

And so I continued to grow up. The usual things that happen to teenage girls happened to me. For the most part, my life as a transgendered girl wasn't too different from that of any schoolgirl, but I'll hit some of the highlights.

I finally made it to my Freshman year, but it seemed like it took forever. I kept active in the Periactus Players, but despite my success in Annie and Secret Garden I couldn't star in every production - nor would I want to. I spent more time with the Irish dancing since I wasn't playing the lead in any productions.

Aileen and I started to really click dancing as a duo, and the group was invited to dance at a regional competition. We came in third, not bad for the second time the school participated in the competition.

Our trio just kept getting better and better. Between my red hair and the Irish dancing, somehow we ended up doing a lot of Irish material. We worked up versions of such oldies as A Stór mo Chroí, and Come With Me Over The Mountain. That last one is the humorous story of a guy eloping with his girl, but Janine and I traded parts and put a decided LGBT and disability twist to it with me kidnapping her. That one always got some attention when we did it.

We did most of our material straight, though, like Biddy Mulligan the Pride of the Coombe and Paddy McGinty's Goat. The funny songs seemed to work very well for us. We even were asked to sing for a couple of special events at Ursuline.

And I have to say it: Janine and I very tentatively started making a different kind of beautiful music together. No, you don't get any details

 

My Sophomore year was notable for several things. The first was having my big sister Kate go off to college. Like most siblings, we had a love-hate relationship, but it was mostly love. Kate had been my fashion consultant when I found I really wanted to be Annie forever and always. In her own sarcastic way she clued me in on many of the secrets of how to be a girl. As I grew up and her growth slowed we could even trade clothes sometimes. The house just didn't seem the same without her

Sam was still Sam, only bigger and more annoying.

The second notable thing was facing some negativity. When my Sophomore year started a snotty-princess type transferred in and soon acquired a covey of followers. Her academic record was stellar, so nobody was all that concerned at first. By this time my transgendered status was pretty widely known but the notoriety had worn off. Mostly I ignored the few who objected and my friends were always there for me when needed.

The snotty-princess' bigotry never got personally physical, but there's a lot that a sour and intolerant person can do to make you miserable short of physical attack. Things like nasty notes in my locker, nasty rumors about my friends sexual preferences and anonymous accusations. She was quite creative, I have to say. Sadly, she soon gathered a circle of hangers-on who swallowed her garbage whole.

I have to give the staff at Ursuline big points for not tolerating bullying - rumors got spiked quickly, acting out met with firm consequences and the snotty-princess was just a bit too lax in hiding one of her plots. She made the mistake of doing something stupid in view of a security camera, which got her expelled. I wasn't the only one she targeted, so there were several of us relieved to have her gone.

Even after all this time it's hard to write about this episode. I'm not going to go into detail, but it hurt. A lot. Learning that people you thought were friends were so easily turned against you is painful. On the other hand, learning who your real friends are is a valuable commodity. My path to femininity has been remarkably easy, but such incidents have shown me that many others are not so lucky.

Now we get to the big one. Since that first kiss at my twelfth birthday party, Janine and I had become an item. It took a while for that to develop; we were both very young at the start and the whole gender thing had us very confused. Were we lesbians? Were an odd couple since I still had a penis - we certainly didn't qualify as straight! Once I started on blockers, straight sex wasn't in the picture - even if we were prepared to be taking that picture. Then there was the whole disability thing…

One more topic to bend Dr Phil's ear about.

It was Aileen who finally told us in exasperation to quit stalling and just admit we loved each other. Dr Phil laughed at that one, but sort-of said it wasn't bad advice.

Naturally, as we matured the whole idea of physical love became more important. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get away from the crowd to go necking with a girl in a wheelchair? You can't just disappear into a convenient clump of bushes in the park or sneak off to a quiet room when you can't get the wheelchair through the door. Romeo should have had these problems with Juliet - would have made a very interesting play for old Will.

The crux came when Janine's father had the opportunity to spend a weekend at a luxury resort and wanted to take his wife with him, but they worried about Janine being home alone. Of course they knew she as an independent cuss and would be OK, but parents worry. The solution Janine proposed was to have me spend the weekend with her.

That girl has balls, even if she doesn't have legs, or even gender dysphoria.

Both sets of parents bought it. I'm sure that they all knew just what would happen under the circumstances and they were right. That's all I'm going to say about it.

There was another naming coincidence that year - a lady named Emma Stone joined the Periactus Players. She was a good actress, but not the one who would become famous for romancing Spiderman. Our Emma Stone ended up taking over her family's plumbing business and dropped out of acting, so it's just a sidelight to my story.

 

My Junior year was notable in that I reached the age I could start on hormones. That made me happy, but the mood swings didn't make my family and friends especially happy. Fortunately they tapered off after a while and I didn't end up friendless and homeless.

You may not believe it, but there was some dancing-induced trauma. For a kid who had learned modern dance and was still was actively doing Irish dance, how could dance be traumatic? Answer: when it becomes ballroom dancing.

Seriously! Ursuline still held to the notion that proper young ladies should be able to dance gracefully at a formal ball. So much so that the phys ed classes in the junior year included dancing instruction. At first I figured no problem! How hard could it be to learn one more form of dance, and get scholastic credit for it, too?

The dancing part wasn't hard in phys ed, but once we had the moves down they imported a flock of conscripts from our brother boy's school to put us to the test. By that time I was pretty sure Janine and I were life partners, with the certainty that only a fifteen-year-old can muster. Naturally, Janine's wheelchair exempted her from dance class so my preferred partner was not available. I hadn't developed an interest in boys, at least not that way. With the accuracy of irony that only The Fates can conjure, my partner was none other than Dylan Thomas. That's right, the boy who played Colin in Secret Garden.

Actually, Dylan turned to be a good dancer and a good partner. At least we were friends and he had some idea of how Janine and I felt about each other so he didn't push. Whew!

By the end of my Junior year I had my own A cup breasts and my posterior started to look more like a regular girl's.

 

By the time I graduated, I had a natural B cup and no one was going to mistake my figure for a boy. I was more than happy to retire my falsies. Good things come to those who wait.

I actually got paid to do a few radio commercial voices in my Senior year, thanks to connections at Ursuline. One more thing to add to my CV when I applied to colleges.

Ah yes, college.

I've mentioned what was happening between Janine and me during our Junior year. It was a sure thing by our Senior year. Love to the point we were determined to live together when we attended college. Of course, that meant finding a college that offered both Theatrical studies and Biomedical Engineering. That's right - Janine wanted to be in the forefront of the technologies that would benefit people like her.

Northwestern University in Chicago seemed to be the answer, so we applied there and at three other schools. Always have a backup plan, even if you don't want to settle for your second - or third - choice. I won't keep you in suspense, both of us were accepted at Northwestern, as well as our third choice. Now the only problem to solve was how to pay for it.

Chapter 20 - The Letter

There are innumerable proverbs about having patience. Good things will come and all that malarkey. For a girl waiting to see if the college she desperately wanted will allow her to attend, proverbs are useless. For weeks I had stopped to check the mail as soon as I got home from school.

There was, as always, nothing there for me. I would sigh and go on to do my homework or annoy my brother or maybe even help fix dinner to assuage my sadness. Yes, I used the word assuage

For days, I had been checking the mail as soon as I got home, only to be disappointed that there was no letter. Naturally, the first response to arrive was from choice #2, turning me down. I came close to crying, but since it wasn't Northwestern I wasn't overly upset. That's my story and I'm sticking to it - pay no attention to the other people in my family.

More days passed. No letters appeared. Then, one magical day there was a thick envelope with the return address of Northwestern University. This resulted in a loud and uncontrolled outburst on my part, which in turn prompted the immediate appearance of the rest of the family, who had been waiting offstage for me to open the letter.

"Good news, I take it?" queried dad.

"I'm in!" I gushed.

"We never had any doubts," said Mom. "Here - someone else has news." She handed me the phone.

"Sounds like they accepted your application," enthused Janine.

"Yeah! What about you?"

"Still want to be roomies?"

"You have to ask?"

"You do know you'll have to carry me to the bathroom to pee at night?"

I was so excited I even forgot we were on speakerphone!

"She ain't heavy, she's my roomie?" I sang to my soon-to-be-roomie.

"We can work it out." she warbled back.

"As long as we aren't living in the House of the Rising Sun," I replied.

"We'll be in Chicago, not New Orleans."

"Does Chicago have a poorhouse? We might need it after we pay our tuition."

"The Lord Will Provide, Annie." She continued singing.

"If You’ve Got the Money, Honey, I’ve Got the Time." I couldn't sing like Willie Nelson, but who cares?

"If I Had A Million Dollars," came the answer.

Damn! If my entire family weren't listening I would love to have made a comment about her being a Barenaked Lady!

"I think it's time we had a talk, Annie," Dad cut in.

"Uh-oh!" Janine jeered. "You're in trouble now. Tell me all about it if you aren't grounded for life, Annie."

"Janine, we don't have those kind of talks in our family," Dad laughed.

But I sure was wondering just what he wanted to talk about!

Chapter 21 - The Big Reveal!

If you've ever watched Fixer Upper on the tube, you know that my parent's namesakes Chip and Joanna Gains end each show with a Big Reveal. Some anonymous technicians blow up a giant picture of that week's house before they started in on it, mount it on these giant wheeled risers. (In the theatre a riser is a piece of scenery that's mounted on a pulley and will rise up out of sight above the stage when you pull the ropes. Since their budget didn't go as far as renting a helicopter or two, they had to make do with rolling it aside.)

So they put the happy couple in front of this giant picture, make some inane conversation to heighten the dramatic tension, then roll the picture aside to reveal the renovated house.

Cue the 'oohs!' and 'aahs!' and the squealing wife. So I'm a cynical tranny. Live with it. Like they say on NPR: in the interest of full disclosure, this cynical tranny squealed with glee when I opened that letter from Northwestern.

Mom, Dad and I settled in Mom's office and they just looked at me for a few seconds.

"Annie, there's something we haven't told you that you need to know now."

"Oh?"

"You know your birth parents and your grandparents were killed in an avalanche while you were staying with us. You were too young to understand, but there was a whole lot of confusion in order to settle four estates at one time. No one had anticipated something like that happening.

"Joanna and I ended up as both your adoptive parents and the court ordered guardians of that estate, which devolved to you."

"Devolved?"

"Lawyer speak for transferring something to a lower level. In this case from your grandparents' generation to their children and then to you. Your parents and grandparents were all highly respected professionals and had accumulated a considerable estate. They weren't rich like Bill Gates or anything, but there was a considerable amount of money by the time their houses were sold and their investments totaled. All that money went into a trust fund for you, which was meant to finance your education. When you turn twenty-one you will get full control of the money."

"That's… weird!"

"We didn't tell you about it because we wanted you to grow up as just one more kid in our family. I'm sure you realize that money is at the root of much of the jealousy and envy in this world."

"Sure. Will there be enough for me to go to Northwestern?"

"I suspect so. Last I checked the trust fund was at about three-quarters of a million dollars."

"You're kidding!"

"Nope. Wise investments and compound interest over all those years have really paid off."

"Rather a shock, isn't it?" asked Mom.

I tried to say something, but nothing came out.

"Take a deep breath, honey. Now you know how we paid your tuition at Ursuline and for all those dance lessons and trips to dance competitions."

"I never thought…"

"Which is why we kept that trust fund a secret until you needed it. Your college is going to be paid for, but don't neglect to apply for all the scholarships you can find."

"Sure…"

"One other thing…" Dad added.

"Yeah?"

"When Doctor Phil gives the go-ahead you don't have to worry about whatever surgery you need."

"Umm… Ahh…"

"Deep breath, honey. I know it's a shock. You need time to process the whole thing. I suppose you need to give Janine a call and talk to her. It's going to affect her life, too."

"I'm not sure I believe it!"

"Pinch yourself, it's real." Dad was full of wonderful advice. Not!

"How do I know I'm not dreaming the pinch?"

"Good! Sounds like your brain is coming back on line," snickered Dad. "We'll have to make an appointment with the investment managers of the bank so you can learn all the details."

"Does that mean I can afford a cell phone?"

(Remember cell phones were still primitive and expensive back then.)

"Only if your trustees approve the expense."

"And you're the trustees?"

"Yup!"

"Not until I graduate, right?"

"Some things don't change, even when you're rich."

 

I'm pretty sure that Sam thought I had been turned into a zombie after Mom and Dad told me I was rich. I kind of plunked myself down on the couch while Sam was playing a video game. Sam was still wedded to the things even as he matured. I don't know how long I was staring off into space, but eventually Sam noticed that I was there when his character got killed.

"Jeez Sis, you look like you've seen a ghost."

"Maybe I have. The past has come to haunt me, Sam."

"What? You gonna turn back into a boy or something?"

"You wish!"

"Actually, I don't wish. You're a better sister than you were a brother."

"Is that a backhanded compliment?"

"Nah, just an observation. Don't press your luck."

"I think I used up all my luck for quite a while. Mom and Dad just told me I inherited a whole bunch of money."

"Cool! If I suck up to you will you buy me a cell phone?"

I may try to deny it, but Sam thought a lot like me even if we weren't blood relatives.

"I already tried that line. Didn't work."

"Not until we graduate high school?"

"Yup."

"I'll settle for a new Xbox system."

"You'd still have to talk Mom and Dad into it, not that I'm going to waste my fortune on my baby brother."

"Whaddya mean, waste? Consider it a wise investment."

"They told me I have investment managers to handle that stuff. Think some dude in a three piece suit is going to consider some new video game a growth opportunity?"

"You have an answer for everything. So how about you finance a double date with you and Janine and me and Candice?"

Candice was his current girlfriend.

"Now that one has some definite possibilities. Only one problem."

"Which is?"

"That money is in the bank, which means you have to convince the trustees to let go of some of it before I turn twenty-one. Three guesses who the trustees are."

"Got it the first time. Mom and Dad, right?"

"Right."

"I'm going back to my video game now. See you, Sis."

With that he grabbed the controller and started clicking away. Strangely enough, talking with my cheerfully greedy brother had calmed me down a lot. I noticed I was still holding the envelope from the school so I started reading it. By the time I plowed through it I realized that going to college was going to take some effort.

Chapter 22 - Some Effort?

Oh, the naivety of my youth! I had been so focused on getting accepted to my favored school that I hadn't thought much about what would happen next. What happened next was paperwork. Masses and masses of paperwork, interspersed with phone calls.

First thing: The FAFSA. Free Application For Federal Student Aid. Not that I was going to need any loans any more, but you still have to fill out the thing for scholarships. Pages and pages of intrusive questions. Then pages and pages of applications for scholarships. Welcome to the world of adulting: masses of paperwork.

Next task: Freshmen and Sophomores are required to live in the dorms. Do you have any idea how complicated it is for a transgendered girl and a girl with no legs who want to share a room to work out housing?

No. You don't!

Northwestern was pretty good at accommodating just about anything a student needs as far as disability or gender is concerned, but when you combine the two you get problems squared. After all the confusion cleared, Janine and I would be living in a suite with two other people billed as a straight male and a gender fluid female.

Then we needed to figure out meal plans. Then there was the need to register for classes. Then we needed to visit the campus so Janine could scope out how she was going to get around, which led to the purchase of a powered wheelchair so she could cruise around campus in the winter without freezing her hands off pushing the wheels of her manual chair.

Don't forget a new wardrobe to cope with the cold weather - we maybe got snow every five years or so at home. Janine needed a new computer to cope with her engineering needs, I could get by with my current laptop.

Speaking of technology, as promised, the trustees of my fund finally sprung for a cell phone when I graduated Ursuline. Yahoo! I called Janine first thing even though she was about five feet away from me after the ceremony. The parents had pre-programmed the numbers in our phones before handing them over.

 

So there you have it, my life as a girl finding her way in the world, all ready to move on and have great adventures with her life partner. Someday I'll continue the story, but I'm pretty much written out for the time being. Since I've been writing this while I was 'at rest' (read unemployed and letting Janine support me) and will be back to work soon, you might have to wait quite a while until I get around to it. There's a lot more, but I had no idea how much was to come.