Elise was making her way to the front door of Devin’s house. Her parents knew she was going to his house, but they didn’t know his parents weren’t there. She didn’t tell them that part, since they probably wouldn’t have let her go otherwise.

As she approached his house, she knew that she would need to keep a close eye on Devin. She may not have been the most observant person in the world, but she wasn’t blind. Something was clearly happening to him.

Devin had been refusing any physical contact for months now, and she never saw him without a sweatshirt on. Even in the last few days of the school year, when it was really hot, he was refusing to take the sweatshirt off. Lately he was looking very apprehensive, and he always had his guard up. She wasn’t the only one who noticed either, plenty of people around the school had been picking up on his weird behavior. Like the fact that he was getting very clumsy and was bumping into things all the time, or the fact that his skin had been looking different. She tried to ignore it before, but couldn’t anymore. Something was wrong with him, and she wanted to know what it was.

She had remembered a lot of awkward interactions throughout the past few months.

***

Devin walked into the classroom, bumping into the wall before coming in. He almost dropped his stuff before he took the seat next to Elise and smiled at her.

“It’s pretty warm out, are you sure you want to wear that?” Elise asked him.

“It’s no problem. I like wearing hoodies.” Devin replied.

“But it’s 80 degrees out.” Elise told him.

“Again, it’s no problem.” Devin said.

She raised her eyebrow in confusion at him before she got her mind off it.

***

Elise saw Devin walking to his lunch table when Ryan came and looked like he was about to slap his chest. Devin quickly put his hands up to guard his chest and gave off a genuinely terrified look.

“Woah man.” Ryan said. “Is everything alright? It was just a little greeting.”

“Yeah.” Devin said. “I just… freaked out. I don’t know why.”

“Well, I’m sorry then.”

Devin and Ryan walked toward Elise at the table, but Devin still guarded his chest and didn’t put his hands down for a while.

***

Amanda turned toward Elise. “Hey.” She said. “Don’t you think Devin looks different?”

“Huh?” Elise said back. “What are you talking about?”

“I mean, he’s your boyfriend. Shouldn’t you notice these things?”

“I guess so.”

“Yeah. Why does he never take that sweatshirt off?” Amanda asked. “It’s May.”

“He says he doesn’t want to.” Elise answered.

“But it’s so hot out!” She responded. “Is he sick or something? I think he might be.”

“What do you mean?” Elise asked.

“Elise, look at this picture of you two last September, and look at this picture of you two yesterday. You can tell he looks different.”

Elise looked at the two pictures and was nearly stunned. She hadn’t noticed before but looking at it like this, he clearly looked different. He was much paler and his face was all weird. She couldn’t quite describe it but it just looked different.

“I’d keep an eye on him. I really think he might be sick.” Amanda said.

***

Devin was walking Elise down to her car at the end of the school day. After what Amanda had told her she made sure to get a really good look at Devin. And she couldn’t deny it anymore. He looked different.

As Devin got her to her car, he almost tripped a few times, and even bumped into her car when they got there.

“Is everything okay?” She asked.

“Yeah.” Devin answered.

“You just, you’ve been clumsy lately.” She said with concern in her voice.

“Oh I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Elise looked at Devin with worry before wrapping him in a hug. He was caught off guard but unlike other times he allowed it to happen. But he still put himself in a very awkward position and seemed to avoid as much physical contact as possible.

While Elise was in the hug, she was able to feel his skin, or what little of it he allowed to show in his sweatshirts. It was a shocking sensation to her, mainly because she felt that his skin was even smoother and softer than hers. It was admittedly very nice looking but it was just another thing confirming that something was wrong with him.

“Well, I should head off then.” Devin said.

He gave Elise a kiss on the cheek before leaving for his car.

***

Elise did want to hang out with Devin, but she also really wanted to pay attention to him. Mainly to see if anything weird was going on with him.

She saw the door open, and then saw Devin greet her, still wearing the same baggy clothes he always did. Elise had to stop herself from gasping. He didn’t even have a trace of facial hair, and not only that, but his hair looked to be in a pixie cut, a style a short haired woman might have. She was able to keep this reaction to herself for the most part, but she’d definitely have to investigate later.

“Hey Elise.” He said. “Real glad you could make it.”

“Yeah.” She replied. “So are your parents really not home?”

“Won’t be until next week.” He answered. “A god send really. I need some time away from them.”

“I understand that.” Elise answered.

As Elise walked into the house, she wondered if his parents could have any answers as to whatever’s happening to him. Surely they’d know something was up, right? She’d have to ask them after they came back, if she didn’t find out before then.

Meanwhile, Devin’s head was in complete chaos. He didn’t show it, he’d been able to play it off cool for a long time, but right now a real battle was happening inside his head. Sierra was begging to come out. To finally reveal herself to Elise. Sierra even demanded to get the pixie cut, thinking it would look cute.

It was summer vacation, and there was only one more year before graduation. Sierra wanted to finally come out and live, to have one full year with Elise and possibly more if things worked out in college, but Devin didn’t want her to. Sierra thought herself and Elise would make a great lesbian couple, but Devin was still too ashamed of Sierra to let her come out. And he was just way too scared to do so as well. He was scared of many things involving Sierra coming out, but he was especially scared of Elise thinking he was a freak, a pervert, or a “tranny faggot” and then leaving him. He knew he’d become the laughing stock of the school if Sierra came out, but that was nothing compared to the thought of having Elise leave him. It was too painful to think about. Besides, did Elise even like girls? Devin wasn’t sure. He couldn’t ask her, obviously. Elise wasn’t an idiot, and that question would just give away what’s happening.

“So…” Elise asked. “Is everything going alright?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Devin responded. “Been going to a few colleges lately. I’m visiting my third one next week.”

“That’s good.” Elise said back. “But I was wondering if you’re doing alright. You’ve been worrying me lately.”

“Oh? Why’s that?”

“You’ve just been acting odd. At least, you don’t seem to be bumping into everything all the time anymore.”

Devin chuckled awkwardly. “Yeah… I don’t know what that was about.”

Of course, Devin knew what that was about. The hormones had shifted his body weight quite a bit, and his center of gravity was lower than what he was used to. Adjusting was pretty hard, especially when he was trying to hide all his changes. The result was him getting very clumsy and bumping into everything. He had mostly adjusted to it at this point though.

As they were talking, Sierra got a really insane idea. She wanted to go out. Maybe to a restaurant or mall or something, and see if others would gender her female. She didn’t have facial hair right now. Devin knew this idea was dangerous, but it was so hard to resist temptation. He was around the other people in school all the time, so they would of course gender him male because they knew him. But people seeing him for the first time were a mystery. Would they see him as a girl? Sierra was begging to know.

Devin tried to fight. If strangers were gendering him female, it would definitely give away what’s happening to Elise. At the very least it’d be awkward. Try as he may, Sierra won.

“Do you want to go out?” He asked Elise.

“Sure.”

“Idiot”, “Dumbass”, “Piece of Shit”, “Pathetic Loser” were the phrases going through Devin’s mind. He was going to go out with his girlfriend while looking like this. People would gender him female and she’d instantly know what was going on.

“Oh so now you think you pass huh?” His mind said. Was Devin actually stupid enough to think he passed as a woman? He really was full of himself. A very male characteristic, he thought. With this line of thinking, he could never be a woman. But that was okay right? He wasn’t a woman. He wasn’t supposed to be one. And he especially shouldn’t be giddy at the thought of people thinking he was.

“I’m a sick fuck.” Devin thought to himself.

“Why don’t I drive?” Elise said. “We could hit the mall or something.”

“That’s fine.” Devin responded. He internally grimaced. His voice was way too low, way too MALE for him to pass as a woman. People would hear it and instantly know he was a man. He was disgusted, no SHE was disgusted by it. Sierra was the one who was already demanding to start some kind of voice training regimen. Devin did not want to be a woman. He was not transgender. He was DEFINITELY not transgender.

Devin and Elise got into Elise’s car. As Elise started driving, she glanced over to Devin. He looked depressed, and gloomy. It’s true that Devin was never the most outgoing person out there, but lately he had just been very quiet and downcast. He said very little these past few months, and it seemed as if he was actively avoiding conversations. She was worried. She was afraid to think about what he could do to himself if he didn’t get help.

As they were driving, Elise didn’t even attempt to make conversation with Devin. She just tried to focus on driving. Maybe he just needed some time to reflect on… whatever it was he seemed to be reflecting on.

"If you look like a girl, dress like a girl and act like a girl, most people will see you as a girl — and only a girl."

Devin thought about that quote. When he was 14 he must have read through “For a Girl” like 3 times. Was it really that easy? Would people really see him as a girl if he put effort into looking like one?

He chuckled to himself. If he had to put effort into looking like a girl, then people wouldn’t see him as one. So it wasn’t even worth considering.

“But the people at school see you every day.” Sierra said in his mind. “They know who you are, so they would see you as a guy. But what if you run into new people that have never seen you before, and they see you as a girl?”

Sierra sure was insistent on finding any positive outing. Maybe they would see him as a girl. But if they found out he was transgender, then everything would change. They’d definitely treat him differently. There was no escape for him.

Of course, it’s not like he wanted to be a girl, that was Sierra. She was the one who was wishing it was as easy as “For a Girl” portrayed it. Of course, it wasn’t. Stephanie Lind wasn’t a real person. She was a character in a story written nearly two decades ago. A story where the US government pays for facilities to teach people how to be women. Devin laughed at the thought. There was no way the US government would pay for something like that in real life. Especially not after how they dealt with AIDS.

It was a long, quiet drive. Devin was too busy wallowing in his own despair to think about making conversation, and Elise didn’t want to try talking to him until they got to the mall. Eventually, after about forty minutes, they made it there. Elise checked the time. 10:00. It was still pretty early, and they definitely had a lot of time to kill.

“Well, we’re here now.” Elise said. “Is there anywhere in particular you would like to go to?”

Devin snapped out of his trance and turned to Elise. “Uh… I’m not sure. Maybe we could, I don’t know, walk around and see how we feel?”

“Alright.” She said.

Elise and Devin got out of the car when Devin suddenly became extremely nervous. He couldn’t stop himself from shaking. He was going out looking like this. Would people see him as a girl? He grimaced at the thought of people calling him “miss” and “ma’am” while his girlfriend slowly found out what was wrong with him. What would she think? She would probably hate him and think he’s a gross pervert. Elise was so nice. She didn’t deserve to have her boyfriend turn himself into a woman without telling her. He was being so horrible to her.

But that wasn’t even what disturbed him the most. What disturbed him the most was the thought of people still gendering him male even after months of hormonal therapy. Basically showing that what he was doing was useless and he should just give up.

“Hey are you okay?” Elise asked him.

Devin hesitated before saying “Yes”.

“Do you need to take that sweatshirt off?”

“No I- I’m good.”

“Okay.” Elise responded. She obviously knew he was not okay but she didn’t want to pester him about it.

Elise began walking toward the giant mall, and Devin hesitantly followed. It was pretty hot outside, and he did want to take his sweatshirt off, but if he did then people would see his chest.

Devin and Elise walked into the giant building. Devin did thankfully feel cooler once they were inside, so luckily he wouldn’t overheat, pass out, and then have Elise take off his sweatshirt. He shuddered at what she would think if she saw what was underneath.

“Hey do you want to eat something?” Elise asked him. “I didn’t have breakfast.”

“Oh that’s fine.” Devin answered. “I actually didn’t eat breakfast either.”

As the two walked to a food court, Devin looked around. He didn’t see anyone looking at him oddly. He was a bit relieved by this but he still got the nagging feeling that that was because people were seeing him as a normal man. Was that what he wanted? He wanted that to be what he wanted but deep down he knew that it wasn’t.

Elise and Devin went up to order their food. Devin didn’t want to speak, because then he knew people would gender him male, but he had to anyway.

“Hi.” The employee said. “What would you two young ladies like today?”

8 Months Earlier

“Come on Devin, we’re going to be late!” Elise yelled.

Devin ran from his mirror and quickly got to the car. He had specifically picked his suit based on Elise’s wishes. He had never been to a homecoming dance before, and probably would’ve blown off finding an outfit if it weren’t for her. He wanted to make this night very special for her. He wasn’t going to let Elise down, no matter what mental crisis he was in.

“Sorry I was just…” Devin started. “Never mind, we better get going. You look stunning by the way.”

“Oh, stop it.” Elise responded playfully.

Devin smiled. He had really gone out of his way to compliment and praise the dress she had picked out. It looked so beautiful, and he was so enthralled by it. It looked so good on her. The way it complimented her figure was almost magical. He couldn’t help but wonder; what would he look like in a dress like that? Would he be as beautiful as her?

And now his mind was back to what was keeping him from coming for so long. These kinds of thoughts had been invading his mind for a while now, his whole life actually. He remembered being five years old and wondering what it would be like to have long hair. He never paid much attention to them. He was five after all, and he assumed at the time that all boys felt that way.

As he got older he realized that wasn’t the case.

Apparently boys didn’t typically wonder what wearing girl’s clothes would be like. And most of them didn’t find the thought of wearing them very appealing. To Devin this discovery broke his mind. He didn’t tell anyone about it. He kept all this to himself.

When puberty hit, it seemed as if Devin was in some kind of negative trance. It was as if no matter what he did, he could never be truly happy or fulfilled. Every single moment was clouded by some kind of dark fog. It was hard to think of his life as his own.

Essentially he was on autopilot. Nothing made him feel anything. Even when he masterbated every day, he didn’t really feel anything. It was more just a way for him to satiate his addiction. It was pitiful really. Maybe a few seconds of bliss and then it was back to nothingness.

When Elise came into his life, he could almost feel something. The love he had for her was real. And he wanted to be the best boyfriend he could possibly be. When he was around her, he felt complete… almost.

Something was missing.

And he knew it the more he gazed at her. For some reason, some part of him was jealous of her. Jealous of her dress, and jealous of how beautiful she looked. He didn’t know why he was having these thoughts.

And yet, at the same time, he did.

Devin had a thing for gender benders. He learned that after watching Ranma 1/2 for the first time when he was 12. He was enthralled by them. They really connected to him.

And so when he found Fictionmania when he was 13, it instantly became a new hobby for him.

A bunch of, frankly really weird stories about men becoming women in some way. Sometimes by being blackmailed into wearing women’s clothes and being dominated, other times by magic or some other mysterious force. He loved reading them, and they instantly replaced typical video recorded porn. A video of two people fucking didn’t do much for him, but reading about how some guy is forced to be a girl really got to him.

TG Storytime replaced Fictionmania for him, mainly due to how it didn’t look like a website stuck in the 90s. Unfortunately the site did reveal some of its rougher edges earlier in the year but that wasn’t important right now.

Throughout all his years of reading TG fiction, he had picked up on all the common trends of it. Men transform into women against their will. They never change back. Female to male transformations are much rarer, and also much less permanent. They tend to be resolved more often than not. The characters transforming also tend to be rather young. As a rule of thumb he found that it was rare to see any character 30 and older transform, provided they don’t also regress in age.

These were more general trends of course, it wasn’t like all these stories were exactly the same. But whatever ridiculous theme and premise a story threw at him, he still ate it up. Of course, if he was so into these stories then perhaps it was because… no, he didn’t want to go there.

He felt disgusted by himself. Was he actually jealous of a girl wearing a dress? Did girls even like wearing dresses for events like these? Do they actually like looking pretty? He didn’t know and was too afraid to ask. They probably didn’t. It was a lot of work and they were pressured to do this. It had to be a chore for them. And he was jealous. He actually wanted to wear a dress. He was a sick, sick person.

When they got to the school, Devin did his best to act nonchalant and he did a fairly good job. He was still going through a bit of a mental crisis, but he was able to suppress it. He did finally kiss Elise, and it felt amazing. It was a great night for her and also for him. Mostly, at least.

It was when he caught a glimpse of a lesbian couple dancing together that he instantly felt a pang of jealousy. He wanted what they had. And he couldn’t deny it. He wanted to be… Elise’s girlfriend.

The thought disgusted him to his core. He wanted to be a girlfriend. A girlfriend to someone who may not even like girls that way.

After the night was over and he went home, he sat down and stared at the mirror again. He hated looking at himself, but he simply had to. Now that no one was watching, he could finally stop the act and look as depressed as he was.

He was disgusting. He had let this fetish of his take over his actual life. And now he was imagining himself as a girl. He was becoming jealous of them. This obsession had to end.

At the same time, a realization hit him. If he was going to be a man, then he’d grow up looking like his father. In all his masculine glory.

He felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t look like that. And it wasn’t like his parents wouldn’t try to stop him from getting treatment every chance they could. It can be a long, tedious process to get there, and he couldn’t afford the wait.

No emotion but fear was in his mind as he went online and searched for T-Blockers and Estrogen. A part of his mind was screaming that this was wrong but it was overtaken by the fear. He didn’t, he COULDN’T look like a man.

***

“Um, excuse me, is something wrong?” The employee asked Devin and Elise.

Devin simply stared at the employee with a shocked expression. Did he pass? As a girl? Did he actually look like a girl? This one person seemed to think so. They thought he was a girl.

And with that, Sierra was inside him, screaming in delight. She was being recognized. After years of being trapped inside, it seemed as if she had finally come out. It took Devin a bit of effort to not start jumping and squealing in joy.

“Uh, yeah. He’s not a girl. He’s my boyfriend.” Elise told the employee.

The employee immediately widened their eyes and their face was flushed. “I- I’m so sorry, I just… what would you two like?”

Devin and Elise placed their orders and soon enough they got their food and got to a table. When Devin opened his mouth and spoke, the employee looked even more flustered than before. Hearing Devin’s deep, male voice confirmed that Devin was a guy.

Which was good, obviously, right? Devin was a guy, at least that's what he always told himself. It was just this sick part inside him that was forcing him to become a woman. He knew, inside him, Sierra was already planning a voice training schedule.

Elise was simply very confused. She knew sometimes guys can be mistaken for girls. And it’s awkward when it happens, but Devin’s reaction had been extremely unusual for the situation. He just stood there, staring at the employee with a shocked expression. He didn’t say anything or even attempt to correct them. He just stood there, seemingly in a trance. Most guys would at least correct them, which Elise had to do for him when it became apparent he wasn’t going to do it himself. Why hadn’t he?

As they sat down and ate, Sierra was continuing to push Devin. Only this time she was more relentless than she had ever been before. He had just been gendered female in public. That employee, they didn’t see him as trans, or as a girl who used to be a guy, or as some sick perverted guy with a fetish. Just a girl, and that was it. At that moment, to their knowledge Devin had been a girl his entire life (“which may very well be the case”, Sierra said inside him).

That one moment had ignited Sierra more than ever before. “Why don’t we go further?”, she said. “Let’s buy some new clothes.”

Devin was having a hard time containing himself. He knew that the longer they stayed at the mall, the more SHE would be tempted. To push further. To even reveal herself to Elise.

Was she already revealed to Elise? She had to be right? He had just been gendered female in public. There was no way she didn’t take notice of that. And now she was probably thinking back to all their interactions and figuring out what was wrong with him.

Worst of all was that Sierra was getting very giddy at the thought of Elise finding out. Devin knew that the longer they stayed at the mall, the stronger she would get. She might even go on to buy women’s clothes.

Immediately, Devin stood up. “We have to leave.”

“Why?” Elise asked, slightly concerned. “We haven’t been here very long. Are you okay?”

“We have to go NOW.” Devin said sternly.

Flustered, Elise hesitantly agreed. The two then went up to leave the mall. Elise was now even more confused. Had being mistaken for a girl gotten to him that much? Devin was straight up panicking now. This was definitely not normal behavior.

Devin was feeling very guilty. They had just gotten to the mall and now they were leaving, all because of him. He was lucky Elise was so understanding. He didn’t deserve her.

They got into the car. Elise took the wheel again. Devin simply did the same thing he did when they were driving to the mall, stare at the window and contemplate what he was doing. Surely his weird behavior was making him stand out even more. If Elise didn’t notice anything before, she had to have noticed something now. There was no way he was getting out of her forcing him to talk about it.

That employee was only one person. Maybe more people would’ve gendered him female if he stayed. And Sierra was getting giddy again. It was time for him to stop thinking about that. Was he really that full of himself? To think that one person gendering him female meant everyone would?

Devin put his head down in shame. He was so full of conflicting emotions. He had no idea how to navigate them all. He was a wreck.

When they got to Devin’s house and walked inside, Devin was at a point where he didn’t want to deal with the world. But he wasn’t going to kick Elise out or tell her to leave. He needed her. The only way he could be comfortable was when she was around. And of course he didn’t want to be a jackass, which he probably already was since he forced Elise to drive all the way back to his house after just arriving at the mall.

“Devin, seriously, are you okay?” Elise asked.

“Yes I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong. I need to go to the bathroom.” Devin told her.

As Devin walked into the bathroom, Elise doubted his words. Obviously he wasn’t okay, and she was tired of him not telling anyone what was going on. He’d been on edge for months. What was up with him?

Elise thought back to the employee mistaking him for a girl. It couldn’t have been just that that had made him panic. It had to be something else. Something deeper.

Elise walked around the house and eventually came upon Devin’s room. She debated whether or not she should go in without him, but the door was already open so she did.

As she sat on his bed she thought back to that incident with the employee. But mainly she was thinking about why exactly it had made Devin panic like that.

A thought occurred to her as she got out her phone. She looked through all the photos of her and Devin. She knew that Devin had been looking different but she never found out what it was about him that was different.

She figured it out now.

His face looked softer. He looked gentler. He looked feminine.

Seeing him like this, Elise thought that he even looked cute. She gasped as it finally clicked in her mind.

Devin looked like a girl.

He REALLY looked like a girl. Not like some guy in drag, or some guy who people joke about as looking like a girl. He actually looked like a girl. She couldn’t not see it. And the short hair didn’t stop him from looking like a girl.

How did this happen? What was going on? Did he even know about this? Elise was deeply contemplating what she was seeing.

Then another thought hit her. “Was Devin taking hormones?”

It seemed like an absurd thing to think about. He couldn’t have actually been doing that to himself, right?

Then again, he had been wearing sweatshirts a lot. Why would he need to do something like that? Unless he was hiding something. Something like his… chest.

The thought of Devin having breasts was almost too bizarre for Elise to comprehend. And yet it seemed to be what was happening.

And it didn’t end there.

When Elise looked around the room, she saw Devin’s computer. It looked like he had left it on, and turned off sleep settings.

And forgot to close all the tabs.

One of the tabs had the words “TG Storytime: Transgender Fiction” on it.

Elise widened her eyes. There was no denying it any more. Devin was taking hormones. He had to be, if he was viewing this site. He, or she, wanted to be a girl.

“Why is he(?) hiding this from me?” Elise thought.

She felt horrible doing it, but she clicked on the tab. She hated the fact that she was snooping around his computer but the insanity of the situation was overtaking her.

“25 Most Favorite Stories”.

The first story down, “For a Girl”, the second, “Of Heroes And Villains”.

At that moment, she heard footsteps come and suddenly stop. She slowly turned her head to see Devin, clearly seeing her and the computer, and looking as if he was about to hyperventilate.

1 Year Earlier

“This is getting ridiculous,” thought Devin.

It has only been the first week of summer vacation and he’s already read 2 TG stories. And now that he’s found out about Scribblehub he has a whole host of new ones to read.

“I need to stop this.” He thought.

At this point going on a website to read a gender bender story was almost second nature to him. Like a drug addiction he couldn’t stop. Thankfully no one knew about this obsession of his. No one actually goes out in public and says “Hey, have you ever read one of those online stories where a man becomes a woman and has some wacky adventures?” It’s probably a good thing that not even the most viciously bigoted people know that sites like Fictionmania and TG Storytime exist. They’d have a fucking field day if they did.

“These stories are sexist”, he told himself. “It’s wrong to like them.”

“But all stories are sexist”, another part of his mind said. “What about those romance novels where the weak, vulnerable woman falls in love with a strong man that always protects her and takes care of her? That’s pretty sexist.”

That did make some sense to Devin. He hadn’t really considered-

“No”, he thought. “This is not okay. I need to stop reading these things.”

He had enough of constantly going on sites like Fictionmania, TG Storytime, BigCloset, and now Scribblehub. These sites held him hostage like a slave. This obsession has gone far enough. It needs to end.

Something caught his eye.

A new story on TG Storytime called “changeday 中國” by a user named liuzixuan.

It seems very strange. He can’t help but check it out.

***

Devin couldn’t say anything. He could only stand there, paralyzed in fear.

“Dumbass”, he thought to himself, “Why the hell did you forget to close the tab?”

Devin had been getting more careless with his computer, and he’s already had some pretty close calls with his parents. Last night, he had a tab of the TG Storytime site open, and he forgot to close it. Even when he woke up.

It was especially frustrating because Devin had been trying to leave TG Storytime for good. It had become too much of a habit for him to go there. After the huge drama that happened the year before, he made a vow to eventually stop using the site permanently. It had only partially worked. It seemed like he was phasing out of it, but apparently not fast enough. Though to be fair, if he had been stuck on a tab of any of the other sites, nothing would’ve been better.

“Idiot”, he thought. “Fucking idiot what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Devin.” Elise spoke up. “What’s going on?”

“What’s going on, indeed”, Devin thought. He wasn’t very interested in answering the question.

“Devin-”

“NOTHING!” He immediately responded. “NOTHING! AT! ALL!”

“I’m tired of these answers.” Elise said, somewhat sternly. “Like, you don’t tell me anything anymore. Everyone knows there’s something wrong with you and you just don’t tell anyone. I’m tired of it. Tell me what’s going on, Devin. Please.”

Devin looked down at the ground. He had let her know. He had let his guard down and she knew all about his perversion. Now she knew how disgusting he really was. Worst of all, Sierra was inside him being very giddy about the whole thing.

“What are you hiding from me?” Elise asked in a saddened tone.

Devin looked back up at Elise. Her face was full of concern. She almost seemed affectionate. And truthfully that was what she was trying to be.

Elise knew that this situation had to be very difficult for Devin, or whatever name he or she calls themselves now. But it was difficult for her too. Devin had been hiding so much from her these days. She just wanted some answers.

“Okay.” Devin said. “This is going to be hard to accept.”

Devin proceeded to take his sweatshirt off. Underneath was a t-shirt, and visible bra straps, and visible breasts. Elise suddenly widened her eyes. It shouldn’t have been that surprising. She had already figured out that Devin looked like a girl, and apparently went on a website for Transgender Fiction, so it wasn’t hard to deduce the reason why he was wearing sweatshirts all the time. But just seeing her boyfriend with breasts was enough to shock her no matter what. They weren’t very big but they were still… there.

“Devin, why do you have boobs?”

Devin didn’t know how to answer that. He could’ve said “It’s Sierra, she’s in my mind making me do these fucked up things”, but he didn’t want to sound insane. He was going to have to come clean to her. He didn’t need to tell her he was trans, “which I’m not”, he thought, but he did need to tell her about the hormones.

“I’ve been, uh, taking some pills.” He said softly.

“I can see that.” Elise replied.

They both stared at each other for a while.

“Do your parents know?” Elise asked him.

“No.”

“You didn’t tell your parents!?”

“They wouldn’t give me them! I knew they wouldn’t! No matter how many times I ask them!”

“Devin, you can’t just NOT tell them these things.”

“Yes I can!” He said. “I don’t need to tell them everything. I don’t need to tell anyone everything!”

“Even me!?” Elise said. “What about me? You didn’t tell me about this. Why? Why didn’t you?”

“I didn’t know how you’d react! I’m sorry, okay?”

The two continued to stare at each other for a while.

“So, you’re trans?” Elise asked Devin.

“No.” Devin replied sternly.

“But, but… you’re taking pills to grow boobs! How are you not trans!?”

“Because I’m not!” He yelled. “I just have some weird kinks okay? I deal with them just fine.”

“Are you sure you’re dealing with them fine? I don’t think you are.”

“I am.”

Elise looked at Devin’s face, which looked full of so many emotions she couldn’t identify. She didn’t want to continue the conversation, but it wasn’t like there was much else she could do.

“What is this?” Elise pointed at the computer.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“This site! Devin, what is it?”

Devin looked in her eyes very seriously. “A site no one like you should know about.”

“What are you talking about?”

Devin didn’t want to get into the details. That would take too long. But it was important that she knew that this site was NOT for her. It wasn’t for people like her. It was for people into gender bending content. Trans people. And some other groups of people. A person like her had no business knowing about it. If she did, she would freak out and call him sexist. And then probably write some insanely bigoted manifesto.

“Assuming what she would do now huh?” His mind said. “Trying to make her out to be the bad guy. Some boyfriend you are.”

“It’s just a site. One of those sites where people write, uh, gender bender stories and post them online.”

“There’s MORE of these?”

“Shit, should’ve left that part out. Well done”, he thought.

“Yeah, there’s more of them.” He said.

“Well, this one doesn’t look like it’s been updated since like, 2010 or something.”

Devin raised his head and looked at the site. He hadn’t noticed that before. He was too taken back by the site looking more modern than Fictionmania at all. But now that he was seeing it, he couldn’t deny it. The site really did look like something out of the late 2000s or early 2010s.

“What’s this?” Elise asked.

“Uh, it’s the 25 most popular stories on the site. Or something like that. The site has a system where users can favorite a story, and these are the 25 stories with the most favorites.”

“I was asking about the stories.”

“What is she getting at?” Devin thought.

“Umm, what do you mean?” He asked.

“Have you read them?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, are they good?” She asked.

“You… you can’t actually want to read these.” He said.

“Well, you’ve been hiding all this from me. What can I say? You’ve piqued my curiosity.”

He could not believe what he was hearing. She wanted to read these stories. Something must be wrong. Besides, she wouldn’t like them. She’d think they were offensive.

Devin gulped. “You won’t like them. They’re sexist.”

To his surprise, Elise laughed. “Everything’s sexist. You’re already living some crazy secret life you’re not telling anyone about. I just want to learn about it. You’ve been hiding so much…” Her voice trailed off.

Devin stood there for a while. He eventually sighed. It didn’t look like she was going to relent anytime soon. He might as well get this over with.

“Just… try to have an open mind. People like you… they can get really worked up about this kind of stuff.”

1 Year Earlier

This user “liuzixuan”, seems to be posting a lot.

Their stories are unintelligible.

They kept posting each chapter of their first story, “changeday 中國”, as its own story, which is against the site's rules.

It didn’t help that the story was written in Chinese.

Fortunately this was handled by the moderator and the front page isn’t spammed with their stuff anymore.

But they’re still posting a bunch of stories on the site. This time in english, albeit very broken english.

They’re all really bad, and they all get bad reviews, but “liuzixuan” seems to be giving their own stories 5 star reviews.

Isn’t the moderator going to deal with this?

***

Devin couldn’t believe what was going on. He couldn’t even bring himself to speak. Elise was actually reading one of these stories.

Devin had been sitting on his bed while Elise continued to scroll through the first chapter of “For a Girl”. He had no idea what Elise was thinking at the moment, but the dark part of his mind insisted that she was grossed out or disgusted. He expected Sierra to be happy about this, but she was just as confused as him. He guessed that made sense since after all, Sierra was more negative on the site after the controversy the previous year, and the story Elise was reading in particular had some fairly problematic moments.

Elise, meanwhile, was more so just perplexed. Reading the story seemed to give her a glimpse of a perspective not really seen in mainstream literature, and for that she was fairly intrigued. It was also clear that the author knew quite a bit about track and field as a sport, which definitely helped make it more engaging. But only being so early in, she was still wary of the apparent sexism that Devin had mentioned, even if she had brushed it off at the time.

It also didn’t help that Devin wasn’t even trying to engage or converse. It had been a theme for the day. Usually in the past, Devin would at least try to talk with others when he could. But today he or she didn’t even seem to be trying.

“Come on, why don’t you talk with me some more?” Elise said. “I’m sure you’ve read this one, right?”

Devin snapped out of his daze. “Umm… yeah. I’ve read it. It’s uh, been a few years though.”

“Okay, well then why don’t you talk to me about it. Surely you must know a lot about these kinds of stories. I’m new to them. Maybe you could fill me in.”

“Umm, okay.” Devin said back. “I guess I can do that.”

***

It started off slow, but as time went on Devin became more and more engaged. It turned out he really was the “real deal” when it came to TG content, and he wasn’t afraid to share information. Eventually he kind of forgot about how he thought his feelings were shameful as well as the need for him to pretend “Sierra” is turning him into a girl against his will.

Elise was really enjoying herself too. She was less focused on the story itself and more on Devin simply being happy. They (Elise decided she’d stick with ‘they’ for now) were clearly very passionate about this kind of stuff and it was really nice to hear.

“Wow they’re really getting into this fast.” Elise said. “We’re not even halfway done with the first chapter.”

Devin smiled again. “Yeah, I guess they don’t want to keep people waiting. The story has a lot of plotlines to get through.”

“How long is this story again?”

“Ninety six thousand words or so.”

“Wow, longer than a lot of books I’ve read. Well okay, I haven't read many books.”

Devin chuckled. “You should start sometime.”

***

“When was this story written?” Elise asked.

“Oh, it was written in 2003. The whole thing was posted on another site before being reposted here around when this site first opened.”

“Really? So this story is as old as us?”

“Yep, basically.”

“That’s weird.”

***

Devin and Elise were having a good time reading the story. They were making critiques, cracking jokes, and even making fun of the weird and stupid dialogue. Unfortunately as they got deeper and deeper into the second chapter, Devin was reminded again of the story’s more problematic content.

After Jack gets diagnosed with GB, he goes on and treats becoming a girl like death, thinking his life is over. Now, in the real world there is a definite possibility of depression and dysphoria arising from such an occurrence, but this story doesn’t take place in the real world. So really the only interpretation here is that the story is being wildly sexist.

“I’m sorry, Elise. This was a bad idea.” Devin said.

“Why?” She asked. “You’re talking to me and you’re engaged. I don’t really see that anymore. How is that bad?”

“It’s not that it’s just, you know, the story. It’s sexist. It was a bad idea to read it.”

“How is it sexist?”

“Well… I mean look at it, the main character can’t stop talking about how being a girl is miserable.”

Elise sighed. “Devin, acknowledging that sexism exists isn’t sexist.”

“What?”

“You really do have a lot to learn.” She smiled. “Look, it does sound pretty bad, but… sexism exists. And right now all this story is doing is showing it exists. You say Jack can’t stop talking about how being a girl will be miserable, but haven’t you thought that may just be what society has told him?”

“Well.” Devin replied. “He doesn’t even want to run anymore. That’s really bad isn’t it?”

Elise raised an eyebrow. “You’ve read this one before, right? Isn’t that like a character arc or something? Isn’t this whole thing supposed to be a character arc? Besides, I can kind of see why Jack would be a little hesitant to keep running, with him being turned into a girl and all.”

Devin stood there for a while, not really being able to say anything. He hadn’t quite considered that perspective before. He probably should have, since it’s basically Stephanie’s entire character arc to learn that being a woman isn’t a downgrade.

Really thinking about it, Elise did raise a pretty good point. Sure, the story may still be problematic in a lot of areas, and it’s definitely not the crowning achievement of feminism in fiction, but it has a purpose and it goes through with it. It acknowledges some of the less nice aspects of society, and that isn’t inherently bad. Hell, the author didn’t even need to include any feminist angle at all, and the fact that they did, in a fictionmania story no less, was pretty impressive.

Perhaps the story wasn’t quite as problematic as Devin remembered it.

Though to be fair, they had only just finished the second chapter.

1 Year Earlier

The moderator still isn’t handling the situation. Liuzixuan is spamming the front page with content and giving their own stories 5 star reviews. This is against the site’s rules. Devin is beginning to become very frustrated. After all, he’d invested a lot of time into this site and to see it not deal with obvious problems such as this is very disheartening.

It doesn’t help that the stories are very explicitly anti-LGBT+. Reviewers called this out and liuzixuan left responses showing that they are indeed very homophobic, transphobic, and racist in reality. At this point, Devin was in agreement with most others on the site that liuzixuan should just be banned entirely.

He’s still mad that the moderator isn’t doing anything.

***

As the clock hit 3:00 in the afternoon, Devin and Elise continued reading through “For a Girl”. The third chapter of it specifically, where Jack, or Stephanie at this point, was at “Girl School”.

Upon rereading this part it occurred to Devin that the story wasn’t exactly the most trans friendly one out there. That was the case with a lot of old Fictionmania stories, and also a lot of old Gender Benders in general. Explicitly trans characters were much more of an oddity back then, even if they’re more common now.

What really got to Devin was how none of the GB victims were ever presented with testosterone HRT to help them cope. For the supposed 5% of GB victims who never adapted to being women, this seems like a pretty easy solution. It works for transgender men in real life, but this story seems to be against that idea, as it doesn’t even consider it.

Not accounting for real life dysphoria is probably the biggest plot hole of a lot of gender bending fiction. Sometimes, the concept of dysphoria is brought up, but only when the character is explicitly coded as trans and is transformed into their preferred gender, like Shade. With these stories, it’s either “this character gets transformed”, or “this trans character gets their wish granted”. The idea of a man transforming into a woman, or vice versa, and experiencing dysphoria, is rarely done. Devin guessed that made sense, since that would likely be very uncomfortable to write about.

***

“How long is this chapter?” Elise asked.

“I think it’s like seventeen thousand words. Yeah, it’s the longest chapter by far.”

“Geez.”

***

“You know.” Devin started. “I kind of forgot that this story tried to tackle racial issues. It’s just, well, most of these kinds of stories never bring that stuff up, so it’s really interesting that this one does.”

“Is it done well?”

“I’m not in a place to answer that.”

***

“I mean, if you were a guy named Jack and you became a girl, why would you call yourself ‘Jackie’? It’s stupid and lazy.” Devin said.

“It’s the first thing I’d think of.” Elise responded.

“Well, I guess you just don’t have a very creative mind.”

Elise scoffed.

***

“Wait, they just sedate him!?” Elise exclaimed.

Devin furrowed his eyebrows. Elise was referring to the character, Jerome, or Jeri as she’s called later on. He wasn’t sure if he should correct her or not. In fact, Devin wasn’t sure if he would actually be correcting Elise at all, since it’s clear Jeri is one of the victims who never adapted to being a woman. So does that make her a man? She never considers going through testosterone hormonal therapy, or getting her breasts removed, or changing her name again. It was really unclear, and probably not worth thinking about.

“Yeah.” Devin replied.

“That feels so wrong.”

“Yeah, this story is pretty problematic in a lot of ways. Parts of it haven’t really aged the best.”

***

It was 4:00 in the afternoon. Devin and Elise had just finished the third chapter of “For a Girl”. They were already about a third of the way through the story, even though they still technically had eleven chapters left. Considering how long the third chapter was, it made sense.

“Oh shit.” Elise said as she felt her phone vibrate.

“What is it?”

“My parents want me back. They say it’s important.”

“I thought you didn’t have anything important scheduled today.”

“I did too. Guess my parents had other things in mind.”

Devin sighed. “Well, uh, thank you for coming. Really. And I’m… I’m sorry about the whole mall thing. I know I wasted a lot of your time.”

Elise smiled. “It’s fine. I liked seeing you today. I haven’t seen you actually engage with me in a while. I like it when you talk about things you’re passionate about.”

Devin’s face reddened. “Oh… um… you're welcome?”

Elise laughed. “It’s a compliment dummy. No need to feel embarrassed about it. I liked reading that story. It was… interesting.”

Devin and Elise walked out of Devin’s room and into the driveway of the house, where Elise’s car was parked. Elise gave Devin a hug, which he soon reciprocated.

Before Elise was about to enter her car, she stopped and turned back to Devin.

“What’s your name?” She asked him.

Devin was a bit taken aback by the question. “What?”

“Your name. I mean, you probably call yourself something different than Devin… at least sometimes.”

Devin stared at Elise for a bit. He wasn’t sure if he should answer that question. He was reminded of a scene in “Of Heroes And Villains”, where Diane gets Shade to say her name is Kara. He then silently laughed at himself for immediately comparing his real life situation to a scene in an online story.

“Did you think of a name?” Elise asked.

Devin looked down. He obviously had thought of a name, but he hadn’t entirely accepted that the name belonged to him. “It didn’t, she isn’t me”, a part of his mind said. Besides, was Elise even someone he could trust? What if she turned out to not be as accepting as she seemed? But if he couldn’t trust her, then who else could he trust? And either way, she had already seen more than enough of this side of him. There was no going back now.

“Sierra.”

“Sierra? That’s a nice name.”

Elise walked back to Devin and hugged him again. She also gave him a kiss on the check. Within Devin, Sierra was squealing with delight. It was very hard for her to contain herself. To her, this was a confirmation that Elise and her had a real chance. Their relationship wasn’t over, and Elise didn’t completely hate her or think she was disgusting. After so many long months of being afraid that Elise was going to hate her, she could finally be relieved. She had a feeling that maybe things could actually work out. That maybe everything would be okay.

“I’ll be back tomorrow.” Elise said.

Sierra watched as Elise stepped into her car and drove away. There were a lot of things on her mind, and she wasn’t sure how to deal with it all, but for a moment she didn’t need to worry about any of that. She was a girl named Sierra, who had a beautiful girlfriend, and that was all that mattered.

“No, this isn’t right.”

“You’re disgusting.”

“She’s just being nice.”

“It doesn’t matter what she may think, deep within, you are a gross, perverted piece of shit.”

It wasn’t long before Devin’s mind started to turn dark after the initial serenity of the moment faded. He had been standing there on the porch to his house for minutes on end, contemplating what had just happened.

“She kissed me. Why can’t you just focus on that?”

“Be realistic for once.”

Devin couldn’t keep track of all the thoughts that were going through his mind. Eventually, he went back into the house and fell onto one of the couches in the living room.

“She doesn’t hate me. She didn’t dump me.”

“Don’t you think it’s only a matter of time?”

It was as if a war was happening in his mind. No matter how hard Devin tried, those dark thoughts continued to force their way into his head. And they seemed to be winning the battle. Fighting them was a useless endeavor.

“It’s funny isn’t it? No matter what happens, we always end up back here.”

It seemed Devin would never escape the depths of despair and self hatred. Not even Elise’s approval, which for a long time he thought would fix everything, could change that. Was this what he was doomed to be for his entire life? Just some eternally miserable and self deprecating wreck?

“Surely not”, he thought.

He stood up from the couch and walked toward one of the full body length mirrors in the house. He stared at what he saw in the reflection. He hadn’t really looked at himself without an overly baggy sweatshirt on, and he had to admit, he was kind of cute.

He pulled out his phone and looked at a picture of himself 8 months earlier, before the DIY hormone treatments. Seeing it side by side with what he looked like now made the differences all the more prominent. He didn’t know how he could stand his appearance before. His face looked so rough and harsh, as did his skin. Intellectually, he knew that he was probably exaggerating his masculine features, but how could that matter when his feelings about his body had improved so much?

He reached out his hand and touched the mirror. Looking at it, he could confidently say that the reflection in the mirror belonged to a girl… it belonged to him.

Internally, he felt a calmness wash over him as for a moment the dark thoughts left his mind again.

Sierra smiled. She hadn’t seen herself smile much before. A real shame too, because her smile was cute. Looking in the mirror, she saw a rather cute girl with a pixie cut. A girl that was her.

She seemed to be put in a trance, not thinking of anything except her reflection. She lost control of herself and accidentally started making noise.

Devin immediately widened his eyes and shut his mouth upon hearing his voice. His low, masculine voice.

When he looked into the mirror, he no longer saw that cute girl he had always dreamed of being. He saw a guy playing out some kind of perverted fantasy. No matter how hard he tried to change his body, there would always be a giveaway to what he was. Whether it be his voice, ID, past friends or family, or his record, people would come upon it and immediately associate him with a man living as a woman, rather than just a woman.

That thought brought a few tears to his eyes. Some part of his mind was a bit happy that it was easier for him to cry now than before the hormones, but that was greatly overshadowed by the despair he felt.

“It’s funny isn’t it? No matter what happens, we always end up back here.”

All of the dark thoughts came rushing back to Devin like a freight train. It seemed it was true. Devin could not escape the depths of his own misery. No matter what happened, he would always end up wallowing in his own self hatred.

At first he thought the hormones would solve everything, just like Elise’s approval. That all of his issues would simply disappear after using them. And he wasn’t going to say that the hormones weren’t effective. They solved a lot. He was definitely a much bigger mess before them, and a lot of his hatred for his body had significantly lessened. But a lot of mental health issues were still there, albeit to a lesser extent. The hormones weren’t a miracle cure.

He wiped a few of the tears off his face. Elise was probably just being nice to him. There was no way she could truly love him with him being the absolute wreck that he was. He was crying over his fucking voice. He wasn’t just a pervert, he was a pathetic loser. Elise would have to take time to comfort him every day, just to calm him down. It would be an awful, toxic relationship.

Devin sniffed, his face still wet with tears. He fell back down on the coach and stayed there for a long time. Eventually he calmed himself down and stood back up. He took a few long, deep breaths.

It had been a long day. He had way too much on his mind. He really needed to wind down with something. Get his mind off his current situation.

He went to the kitchen and decided to make something for him to eat. Spaghetti seemed simple enough. It’s not like he could fuck that up.

As he got out the pots and pasta noodles and sauce, he felt a bit calmer. He was actually enjoying cooking. Maybe this was the part of the TG story where he would become a submissive housewife. He laughed at the thought. No, it was just good that his mind was now occupied with something else.

He cooked the pasta and sauce separately, as he always did. It was better that way. There was probably some legitimate culinary explanation as to why it’s better to cook pasta and sauce separately, but he didn’t know what it was.

After he was finished and turned off the stove, he got a plate, put some food on it, and sat down at the table.

As he was eating, he couldn’t help but go over in his mind all the times in the day when he had thought about a TG story.

A TG story.

There really was no going back, was there?

It hadn’t fully sunk in before but it did now. Elise knew about this side of him. She knew about the hormones, the breasts, the name (“her name”, that dissenting part of his mind went), and even the damn TG stories. Not even his parents knew about that stuff yet.

Whether or not their relationship would be able to continue, it was clear that there was no going back. Elise knew and that couldn’t be undone. He was reminded again of all that time he believed Elise’s approval would fix everything. Obviously it didn’t, just like the hormones didn’t solve everything, but he really had to think: did Elise even approve? It seemed like she did, but how could he be completely sure?

It was probably too early to say ‘yes’, so Devin decided to give her more time. Just to be sure that she’s okay to trust.

But at the same time, did he really want her to approve? Did he want her to be okay with this? Sierra still isn’t him. She’s that disgusting part of his mind that’s forcing him to do all this to himself.

Shaking his head, Devin got up to get a second plate while another thought crossed his mind. The site Elise saw, out of all the gender bending fiction sites out there, was TG Storytime. That wouldn’t have really mattered compared to if she saw any of the other ones, if it weren’t for the event that happened a year ago. The event that really damaged the site’s reputation, and the one that he could just never get out of his mind when thinking of the site.

***

1 Year Earlier

After what seemed like forever, with countless calls for liuzixuan to be permanently banned, the moderator has finally responded.

They’re not going to ban them.

Apparently banning users who are bigoted will damage freedom of speech or something.

Many of the site’s users are furious at the decision, and every time they bring this up with the moderator, they say the same thing, that it would be against the principles of the site to ban a user who spews hate speech.

A lot of the users seem to be leaving the site for good because of this hate speech policy, and Devin was pretty pissed off too. He had invested a lot of time into the site, had a lot of fond memories with it, and it turns out they won’t ban hate speech.

It’s insulting, really.

What were you supposed to do when a site you’ve grown attached to refuses to take down hate speech?

Devin had pondered this question for a long time at this point. Leave the site, probably. That’s what a lot of the authors did, at least.

So why didn’t he do the same?

He certainly used the site less, but even a year later he was still using it every week or so. Why hadn’t he left it completely?

It may be because he’d grown too attached to it. He probably shouldn’t have read so many of those damn stories. It was as if Fictionmania, TG Storytime, BigCloset, and all the other gender bending sites had become a part of him.

It could just be a reflexive reaction. A lot of those sites had occupied a permanent place in Devin's browser history. Literally the first thing that comes up when he types ‘t’ in his google search bar is TG Storytime, and the same goes for ‘f’ and Fictionmania. He had absent mindedly gone on those sites multiple times a day for years.

After thinking it over, Devin came to the conclusion that it was probably a combination of both. Either way, some part of him had a really hard time letting the site go. Even when the moderator literally said the site wasn’t a transgender support group, Devin couldn’t let it go. Even if a lot of people on social media who knew about the site seemingly had no trouble letting it go, Devin couldn’t.

Why was it so hard for him? It was just a site. It wasn’t a real person or anything. And yet, try as he may, the connection between him and gender bending fiction had become too strong. Was he an addict?

Devin wanted to laugh at the thought. Becoming addicted to internet stories was an absurd thing to think about. But it did kind of seem like that was the case.

As Devin washed all the pots and plates, he really contemplated if he could be considered a “TG Story Addict”, if such a thing even exists. Could he? He did visit gender bending sites nearly every day for about 4 years or so. So it could definitely be considered a habit or an obsession, but was he addicted?

Really thinking about it from a critical standpoint, the answer seemed to be “yes”, and at that point Devin was contemplating why he hadn’t just admitted that to himself earlier.

It was obvious those stories were some kind of coping mechanism for him. He lived an empty, miserable life in reality, where it felt as if all his emotions were mostly muted and he didn’t really care about anything except Elise. Then he would come home, and at night pass time by reading some good wish fulfillment stories where he could just insert himself into the main protagonist transforming into a woman and forget about his lonely, miserable life.

In some way it felt disrespectful to the authors who had poured so much work into their crafts and had put so much time into perfecting their stories. Those stories meant so much to the authors who wrote them and he only used them as a coping mechanism.

What a sad, miserable person he was.

Devin felt a few tears come down from his eyes but he forced them back. One crying fit was enough for the day, he didn’t need a second one.

Once he was done washing and drying the dishes, he went outside to clear his head. With his sweatshirt on, he took a walk around the neighborhood, smelling the fresh summer air and watching the nice clouds move across the sky. It was really peaceful and it put his mind at rest. It was partially ruined by one of the neighbor’s dogs seeing him and then loudly barking, but he got over it.

As he was walking a thought came into his mind. At a time like this that probably wasn’t a good thing, but try as he may, he couldn’t get it out so he was forced to contemplate it.

Should he tell Elise about TG Storytime’s hate speech policy?

The fact that she now knew about TG Storytime at all was still a bit hard for Devin to comprehend, let alone the fact that she was actually enjoying For a Girl, and would come back and presumably read through more of it with him.

Elise probably wouldn’t have any use for TG Storytime. People like her just weren’t this into gender bending content. But still, she probably should know about the site’s hate speech policy, especially if she already knew that the site existed at all.

Once Devin went back into his house and caught his last breath of the nice, fresh summer air, his decision was made. He would tell Elise about the hate speech policy. Probably not tomorrow, and probably not while they were still reading For a Girl, but eventually. She deserved to know about it.

Once it got dark Devin went to get a shower. Showers were much more bearable after this long on hormones. He liked the way the water felt on his softer, more sensitive skin, and he no longer had to turn the lights off every time he took one. These days his showers were probably the easiest place for him to slip into Sierra.

As Sierra washed her body, she closed her eyes. She didn’t need to be reminded of that thing that still dangled between her legs. She felt calm. That same calmness she felt last time she became Sierra. She forgot about the world for the moment and just imagined all her problems had vanished away.

It couldn’t be for long though.

Devin stepped out of the shower and dried himself off. After putting on a new pair of clothes, he headed to his room. With the calmness gone, he felt the same emptiness he always felt as Devin. The same eternal misery that prevented him from ever being happy, or ever having any emotions at all.

When Devin reached his room, he immediately fell onto his bed.

Devin laid down on his back. The estrogen had made him lose the ability to sleep on his stomach. The discomfort on his chest was too much for him to ignore.

As he stared up at the ceiling he found himself wishing that he could just have a more fulfilling life. He didn’t want to live like a static void of nothingness. He wanted to feel like he was living his own life, for once.

Some very immature part of him was anticipating that he would wake up the next day as a confident and content young woman, and that history would be rewritten so he would always have been a woman. But of course real life doesn’t work like that. Only in fiction.

Dinners with extended family members were never very fun. Especially not surprise ones. Elise could only sit there in silence as she watched her grandparents rant about god knows what.

“And I’m telling you, this is why they gotta start teaching christianity in those schools again.” Elise’s grandfather said. “They stop teaching those kids christianity and everything goes to shit.”

“That’s great, father.” Elise’s mother said back as she was beginning to have second thoughts about having this dinner.

“Yeah and I mean it too. Instead of christianity they’re teaching those kids critical race theory!” The grandfather said as he drank his cup of beer. “Why do they hate America so much?”

“Do you even know what critical race theory is?” Elise asked him.

The grandfather turned to Elise with furrowed eyebrows. “Well of course I know what it is. It’s… it’s… it’s, well it’s not important what it is. They’re teaching kids that America is evil! They’re teaching kids that white people are evil! They’re destroying our culture! I’m telling you, you gotta see what they’re doing!”

“Well honey.” The grandmother stood up. “I think we better get going. I don’t want you to get too drunk over here.”

The grandfather raised an eyebrow for a few seconds before standing up as well. “Well… I guess you’re right.” He smiled. “I don’t want to crash the car.”

The mother’s face grew concerned. “Father, you’re not going to drive are you?”

The grandfather laughed. “Of course I am! I ain’t that drunk.”

The mother sighed, knowing she couldn’t convince him otherwise. “Please don’t get yourself killed.”

“I won’t.” He said. “I promise.”

The two grandparents stood up and grabbed their belongings. They thanked the family for the dinner, said their goodbyes, and walked out the front door. The mother watched as her parents drove away.

“Julie.” Elise’s father said from behind her. “You gotta stop inviting those two over so often. I don’t like getting lectured about whatever garbage they found on facebook.”

“Ronald, they’re family. They have a right to be here.”

“They’re racist. They make me uncomfortable.”

Julie sighed. “I’ve tried talking to them. They never listen. I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, you’re gonna need to find out. Do something, because I’m tired of this.”

***

Elise felt a wave of relief wash over her as she finally reached her room. She wasn’t sure how her mother could keep making the same mistake over and over again. Inviting the grandparents to their house for dinner, then being forced to hear their deranged ramblings which got even worse each time they visited. She should’ve learned by now.

Elise collapsed onto her bed. It had been a very long day. Finding out that her boyfriend, who she had been with for a little over a year, wasn’t really a boy at all was in many ways a complete mindfuck. She still couldn’t process it, even hours later.

At the same time however, a part of her didn’t feel very surprised at the reveal. She had known that something odd had been going on with Devin for a while. And finding out that Devin was a trans girl named Sierra did admittedly explain a lot. But there were just so many different complications that could arise from this, especially regarding their relationship.

Could they still be together? Elise had no idea. She didn’t even know if she liked girls. Was she still attracted to Sierra? She remembered thinking Sierra was cute after really looking at her new face for the first time. And she liked seeing Sierra happy and engaged after so long of her being quiet and reserved. Elise wasn’t sure if she actually liked that story, For a Girl, but with Sierra being so engaged and passionate, how could that matter to her?

It would definitely take a lot of time to figure everything out.

***

Devin’s alarm on his phone played and woke him up. His alarm was usually whatever song he was in the mood for at the moment. Currently it was “Losing My Religion” by R.E.M., but that would probably change in the next week or so.

As Devin turned off the alarm and stood up from the bed, he sighed in disappointment. He didn’t know why he was expecting anything aside from his current house and life, but it seemed that the very immature part of him was really hoping his wish would just miraculously be granted.

Devin checked the time on his phone. 8:08. Early again. Devin hoped this would become a trend for him. He didn’t really enjoy falling asleep at 4 AM every night, something that could quickly become a habit over summer vacations.

As he walked out of his room, he remembered Elise was going to come over again today. Were they going to continue reading For a Girl? It seemed likely, but he couldn’t quite say for sure. He also couldn’t quite say if that’s what he would want to do.

Devin was honestly just shocked Elise didn’t completely hate the story. He definitely thought she would, considering how problematic it can get and how it’s aimed at a demographic she isn’t a part of, but even amongst all that, she didn’t hate it. He had to admit that he didn’t truly know how the average person would react to TF/TG content in general. Perhaps he should stop automatically assuming the worst.

For the next few hours Devin passed the time by playing through a Super Metroid rom on ZSNES. He was alright at the game but he certainly wasn’t on speed runner level. He didn’t think he’d ever get there and he was okay with that. It seemed like way too much work.

Eventually, at 12:00, he heard his phone vibrate, with a message letting him know that Elise would be there soon. He closed out of Super Metroid and got dressed for the day.

Devin walked over to a body length mirror and inspected himself. He had put on a sweatshirt to cover his breasts, which was admittedly a bit silly, considering that Elise already knew everything. It seemed putting on baggy clothes had become like a second instinct for him.

He took off the sweatshirt and threw it on the couch. Looking at himself once more, a part of him wondered why he couldn’t just dress like this all the time. Most strangers looking at him like this would see a teenage girl with short hair, which was what he wanted, wasn’t it?

That train of thought was immediately shot down by another part of him that demanded he cover his body at all times. He couldn’t go out like this in public, or at work, or at school next year.

Devin hadn’t even thought about what he would do about school next year. Would he show up as Sierra? No, he couldn’t. He was a man, for one, and he wasn’t at all ready for the sheer amount of prejudice he’d have to face. On the other hand though, he’d have to decide on something, because he still had one more gym credit he needed to take, which would mean he’d be forced to choose between two equally terrifying options. Change in the guy’s room and try his best to hide his breasts, or begin changing in the girl’s room. Neither option would be easy, and just thinking about it made him gulp in fear.

Luckily, when he looked out of the window, he saw Elise’s car pull into the driveway, quickly banishing those unpleasant thoughts from his mind.

Devin walked out the front door, smiling as he approached Elise, and they both embraced in a hug.

2 Years Earlier

It was yet another shitty day for Devin. It wasn’t as if this was out of the ordinary for him; all of his days were dull and grey. Surrounded by some kind of emptiness that could never be filled. Devin almost considered himself selfish. His life was, by most respects, pretty good. He was a middle class white kid living in a first world country who didn’t have any disabilities or debilitating health conditions of any kind. Sure, it’d be nice if his family was richer, and was able to exploit the working class like the rest of the billionaires, but all things considered, he was fine.

And yet he wasn’t fine. Still in high school, it wasn’t like he could do much with his life anyway, so why didn’t he feel content? What was keeping him from enjoying anything?

“Probably an issue a lot of kids run into these days”, he thought, “especially with global warming and all”.

There was always one thing that could make him feel better. Going on youtube, he found “this video will turn you into a girl”. The video itself wasn’t really good, consisting of a constant beeping noise over a bunch of TG TF art and videos stolen from other sources. But that didn’t matter to him. Because he was just so enraptured by what was in that video.

TG content always made him feel better, at least temporarily. The part of his mind that really loved this stuff was never quite satisfied, no matter how many times he consumed it and masterbated to it. It was never enough.

He felt gross a lot of the time being into this kind of stuff, but that never really mattered while he was consuming it. He always pictured himself as being the main character of some TG story. The guy who caught some special disease, the guy who was kidnapped by a bunch of insane scientists, the guy who was caught wearing panties and blackmailed, the guy who fell into some kind of secret room. That’d be him, and then he would live life as a girl. It seemed like a pretty good deal for some reason.

As the video started, Devin laid on his bed, once again fulfilling his insatiable fetish.

***

“Do girls really want bigger breasts? I thought that was a myth.” Devin asked Elise.

“I don’t know any that do but I guess they’re out there, somewhere.” Elise answered.

It wasn’t exactly a shock that Devin would find himself reading “For a Girl” with Elise again. It wasn’t the first thing they did when she got to his house, but it was something they did eventually. They had already put quite a bit of time into the story, reading the first three chapters, so it only made sense to finish it.

As of now they were on the fourth chapter, the one where Stephanie gets back from GRS and goes shopping with her mother. Going to the mall to buy women’s clothing was a staple of TG content, and as such, “For a Girl”, which was basically the quintessential online TG story, just needed to have that part.

***

Reading through the fourth chapter, Devin realized that “For a Girl” was rather unique compared to most other online gender benders, at least of the ones he’s read. Not only was it at least a decade older than most of the stuff on TG Storytime, BigCloset, Scribblehub, and the such, but it also featured sexism as a major plot point.

Most TG stories didn’t feature sexism as a big driving force of the plot, as most of the time it was something that was only referenced to. But “For a Girl” was different, making sexism a constant and relevant part of the plot. Not many others were like that. It might be part of why it’s such a popular story in this niche community.

***

The scene in the fourth chapter where Stephanie and her mother talk about sexual assault in such an upfront manner is pretty surprising, particularly the part where the mother explains that most sexual assaults occur from people the victim knows.

For a story on Fictionmania, written in 2003 to make an observation like that is actually kind of impressive, considering the site’s usual content. Throughout the 90s and most of the 2000s, the vast majority of TG stories were short fetish romps that never had anything of value to say. This story, on the other hand, was almost like a real novel, with a fully developed plot, character development, and themes. In a way, Devin had more respect for the story now than he did earlier.

***

Elise gave out a chuckle.

“What is it? What’s funny?” Devin asked her.

“This part here. ‘My boyfriend is now hotter and has bigger tits than me!’”

Devin gave out a chuckle of his own. “Yeah, now that I think about it, it is pretty funny. Honestly this whole story is kind of ridiculous but it is pretty consistent in tone. Nothing in this story feels out of place, if you accept it as being in its own weird world.”

“I just thought it was a funny scene.”

“Oh, right.” Devin said, his cheeks reddening slightly.

***

At the start of the fifth chapter, when Stephanie gets on the bus for the first time as a girl, Elise let out another chuckle. The ‘whispers’ of the other students weren’t really whispers at all, and their reactions were way too over the top.

Still, just as Devin said, they were believable in the bizarre world the story takes place in.

***

“You know, there’s actually a theory out there about the principal. I saw it in a couple reviews. It’s that he’s the one who infected Stephanie in the first place.” Devin said.

“Makes sense.” Elise replied. “Believe me, there are way too many creepy men out there. Too many for us to handle. If you ever stop covering your body in three thousand layers of sweatshirts, you’ll understand.”

***

“Okay this is too much. I could accept all the ridiculousness before but this is going too far. This does not happen. Ever.”

“Yeah, this part was always weird to me as well.” Devin responded. “Flashing the locker room while every other girl gets jealous of how… good your breasts look? It’s so over the top it’s almost like a parody.”

***

And now it was time for them to brace themselves. Forced het. In a TG sense, that was. A straight male character who transforms into a straight female character. Going from attracted to women to attracted to men. All because the story demands it to happen.

It seemed to Devin that this was one of the more controversial aspects of the story, and in a lot of older gender bending content in general. It was a trope most younger writers were not exactly fans of, and one that they largely steered clear of. It seemed to be generally frowned upon to do this nowadays, but in the 2000s it was the norm.

It made sense why it was a bit of a reviled trope. After all, it implied that loving a man was something inherent to being a woman, which was a bit homophobic. And it also implied that a man could gender bend and transform into a woman all they want, but one thing they were never allowed to be was gay.

It just begged the question: why did authors back then do it? What motivated them? Devin guessed it was because it made sense to them. “This character is a woman now”, they probably thought, “what better way to show they’re a woman than to have them fall in love with a man”. They probably didn’t really think through the implications of what they were writing. Or about reinforcing heteronormativity. And it wasn’t as if anyone at the time was raising any objections to it.

Devin doubted the authors had any malicious intentions, but in the world, many uninformed people can do a lot of harm.

Well, at least as much harm as you could do in a TG story on a site that most people have never heard of, which wasn’t a lot.

***

After they finished the fifth chapter, Devin said, “believe it or not, we’re already almost halfway through the story.”

“Really?” Elise said back. “We still have nine chapters left.”

“I said the third chapter was really long… so… I take it that what happened in that chapter wasn’t a ‘normal day for a girl’?”

“Eh, no.” Elise responded. “Not really.”

Smut. One of the best ways to start a chapter. And a staple of all good TG stories. Well, not quite all of them, but it did seem to be a common feature. It was a good way to get engagement, at least.

So it was actually a bit surprising that it took until the halfway point for “For a Girl” to have any full on erotic scenes.

Devin, having already read the story multiple times, was aware of this fact, yet it didn’t quite sink in how odd this would have been back when it was first posted until now. Back then, a lot of TG stories got into the erotic stuff pretty early, and not many of them held off on it.

It really shows how “For a Girl” tries to be more like a real published novel rather than a one-off fetish romp, Devin thought to himself.

As for the erotic scene itself, Devin could now see how oddly written it was. The main point of it was to show that the character, Arleen, was a lesbian, and that Stephanie was now attracted to men. And it accomplished that by having Stephanie go on a rant about opera for a few paragraphs to make a really forced analogy.

It also didn’t help that the scene started by having Arleen force Stephanie into an abandoned room and then lock the door. In real life, that would be terrifying.

***

“You want to know what I don’t get?” Elise said.

“What?” Devin asked.

“Stephanie’s boobs. What’s so special about them anyway? 34C isn’t that big. It’s pretty average actually. So what’s so great about them? Why is every other girl jealous of them? Do they have some kind of special titty magic or something?”

Devin laughed. “I don’t think you understand. She’s not just a girl. She’s the BEST girl. She’s supposed to be better looking than the rest of them. They’re supposed to be jealous of her. It’s how these stories work.”

“Well that’s stupid.”

“It probably is. You know, maybe you could write one of these.”

“Oh god no. I can’t write. When I was 12 I wrote a Star Wars fanfiction. It was REAL bad.”

“Did you finish it?”

“I did, actually. Something I’m still surprised by.”

***

As Devin thought about it more, it was a bit peculiar that it was such a common trope in TG stories to have the gender bent main character be especially attractive and beautiful. There was always some kind of explanation as to why the main character looked so good. Why they were just so much prettier than other women.

“Well I guess it’s really not that peculiar” he thought, “it actually makes a lot of sense”.

It wasn’t as if TG stories were the only kind of wish fulfillment material out there. There were all kinds of it. And a lot of it was aimed at women. How many fanfictions were there where the main female character was so stunningly beautiful? It would be impossible to count them all. So it only made sense that wish fulfillment aimed at trans women would work the same way.

***

The first track and field race as a girl. They had finally gotten to this point in the story. It was a pretty big moment, and a pretty well written one too. The whole transition of Stephanie coming to peace with her limitations was fast but still paced well. When she wins that first race, it’s a very satisfying moment.

“For a Girl” does occasionally get flack for being sexist, and maybe it is. But as Elise said, acknowledging sexism isn’t the same as supporting it, and at this point Devin was thinking that some people were being a little bad faith when calling the story sexist. If it is sexist, it’s not because of Stephanie’s character arc where she needs to learn being a woman isn’t a downgrade.

All things considered, Devin didn’t think “For a Girl” was very good from a feminist perspective, but it has that one character arc and runs with it. It was at least better than most Fictionmania stories at the time.

***

“Best friends to lovers…” Devin said as the sixth chapter concluded. “Never really cared for that trope. But when one of them is a woman and wasn’t a woman before? I love that stuff. Can never get enough of it.”

“I guess that does spice things up a bit.” Elise said. “Anyway, I should probably be heading home now. You know my parents, they wouldn’t like me staying at your house too late. I’d never hear the end of it.”

Devin chuckled. “Yes, I am aware.”

Elise stood up from the chair she was sitting at and stretched herself. “Well, I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow?”

Devin sighed. “I have a shift tomorrow. Are you free in two days?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

“You know, if you want to read that story, you can do it on your own. You don’t need to be here.”

Elise smiled. “Well then I wouldn’t be able to hear your commentary. I love hearing people talk passionately about stuff I don’t know anything about.”

“Is my commentary really that interesting? I thought it was boring.”

Elise shook her head. “It’s really not. It’s fun. Be proud of it.”

Devin huffed and nodded his head.

“Can I… ask you something?” Elise asked.

“What?”

“How did you get those pills?”

“You mean the pills for bodily changes?”

“Yeah, the pills for… bodily changes.”

Devin took a deep breath. “So”, he started, “there’s this person on twitter that kind of helped me get them.”

“Oh?” Elise responded. “Who?”

“I mean, I’m sure they’d rather be left anonymous.”

“Okay?”

Devin gave a slight nod. “Yeah, they help out a lot of people with this stuff. I think it’s good work and all. I don’t know what I’d do without those pills.”

“Well that’s great to hear.” Elise said.

“Yeah.”

After conversing for a few more minutes, Elise eventually walked out of the house and got to her car. Before she left, the two embraced in another hug.

“Good bye.” Devin said.

“Good bye, Sierra.” Elise said back.

Devin’s eyes immediately widened at her use of that name. He was left speechless as Elise kissed his cheek and waved good-bye at him. As she drove away, the hint of a smile started to spread across Sierra’s face.

“Well, look at that.” Ronald said, looking at his computer screen. “Your father is on facebook, talking about how Trump won the election.”

Julie sighed. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Are you really just gonna ignore this until it’s too late?”

“Why are you so pressed about this? They’re not your parents.”

“No.” Ronald answered. “But a friend of mine said his parents went insane after they bought into that QAnon stuff. And I don’t want that to happen to your parents.”

“They’re not going to become ‘QAnoners’ or whatever.” Julie responded. “I know they’re smarter than that.”

“Do you?” Ronald asked. “Because they’re going down a pretty bad path right now.”

“What path? What are you talking about?”

“Are you even listening to me? I’m talking about the path to believing a bunch of insane conspiracy theories. Look at their facebook. They’re already sharing a bunch of anti vaxx shit, some Covid denial, and they believe Trump actually won the 2020 election. Who knows what’s next?”

“I know they can be bad.” Julie replied. “But they’re not going to go insane or anything like that. They still have some sense in them.”

“Well I think you ought to be tougher on them. And also stop inviting them here. I don’t want our kids dealing with this.”

Soon after Ronald finished that sentence, Elise opened the front door and came into the house.

“Elise.” Ronald said. “How was it?”

“Oh, it was good.” Elise said back. “We didn’t really do much.”

Ronald shook his head, “ah”.

“You know.” Julie started. “You’ve been spending an awful lot of time there lately. Is there something going on?”

Elise shook her head. “No, not really.” She lied.

Ronald furrowed his eyebrows. “You’re not getting into any funny business over there, are you?”

Elise let out a groan. “No Dad, I’m not.”

“Just making sure.” Ronald said.

Elise walked away from her parents, not wanting to have any more awkward questions thrown her way.

“Looks like my parents aren’t the only thing you’re overly concerned with.” Julie said to Ronald.

“These are completely different situations.” Ronald told her. “Please don’t try to compare them.”

***

Once Elise opened the door to her room, she saw her younger sister, Emma, sitting on her bed, doodling on a sketchpad.

“What the HELL are you doing in here!?” Elise asked her angrily.

“You know your room is a lot nicer than mine. It’s not fair.” Emma replied.

“Get the fuck out!” She demanded.

Emma sighed and left the room. Emma, being two years younger than Elise and having just finished her freshman year of high school, was always an annoyance to her. The two sisters had never gotten along very well, which seemed to be the case with a lot of siblings. Elise wasn’t always so mean, but people invading her space without her permission was something she really hated.

Once Elise got to her bed, she did what she usually did. She went on her laptop and mindlessly browsed the internet for anything that might entertain her. Usually she ended up going on social media sites to see what her friends were up to. They always posted some stuff on SnapChat or Instagram each week.

But no matter how much she tried to entertain herself, her mind could just not get off of Devin. Or Sierra, she corrected herself.

What was in store for them in the future? Would they still be together? What would their reputation be at the school? Was she even still attracted to Sierra?

Fortunately, they only had one more year at their high school before graduation, so their reputation there was not something of utmost concern. But the other questions proved really difficult to answer.

Elise was straight. She had never liked girls before. She had only liked guys, for as long as she could remember. She was sure of it.

And yet she wasn’t so sure of it. Sierra looked like a girl right now. Most people who had never seen her before would probably gender her female, as evident from the employee at the mall the day before. And Elise expected that, with her being a girl, she would not be attracted to her.

But the truth was that she wasn’t sure. Was it because she was so used to Sierra being a guy? Was it because she actually was attracted to girls? Or was Sierra just the one exception? To make matters worse, she was asking herself all these questions when she wasn’t even sure if she was attracted to Sierra in the first place.

As she thought everything over, it became apparent that this was most likely not something she could solve on her own. But who could help her? It’d be rather shitty of her to tell one of her friends about Sierra right now. She couldn’t talk to her parents about it. And Sierra herself? As hurtful as it may have sounded, she probably wouldn’t be much help here.

Elise groaned and laid her head down onto her bed. In her mind, she played through their entire relationship. She had boyfriends before in the past, but none of them lasted very long. Devin was different. Together they had made it past the one year mark, which kind of shocked her, as she didn’t think much would come out of being with him, just like with all her previous boyfriends.

There hadn’t really been any complicated start to their relationship. Devin was kind of a nerd, and so was she. One thing led to another and then they got together. It wasn’t as if teenagers really had many long and complicated starts to their relationships anyway, so they didn’t stand out.

There was something really charming about Devin that Elise really liked. All of his semi odd habits, like his obsession with putting everything in a list format and his tendency to talk for minutes on end about random subjects were things Elise found admirable.

And she especially loved his YouTube channel. Devin had mentioned that he was a Todd in the Shadows fan and it was pretty easy to see, considering his videos mostly revolved around ranting about music. He seemed to be quite the fan of making “Worst Hit Songs of X Year” videos. So much so that when a public speaking class allowed for a presentation that could be about literally anything, Devin had apparently chosen to do a presentation of “The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2006”, before he even made the video. Elise wasn’t in that class, but from what she heard, two things were certain: Devin was really good at presentations, and he really hated “London Bridge” by Fergie.

Even when others would call him weird, Elise was never not proud to say Devin was her boyfriend.

But now Elise had suddenly been introduced to this large part of Devin that she didn’t know at all before. And it was all very disorienting.

Elise closed her eyes and imagined Devin’s, no, Sierra’s face. Her soft cheeks devoid of any facial hair, her short brownish blonde hair, her bright blue eyes. It was a very nice face. And a cute one, if she was being honest.

Elise opened her eyes. Could she really leave Sierra? It seemed like such an insane thing to do. Sierra was really happy when she was around. Would Elise really want to ruin that? But, at the same time, what if the relationship turns into one she can no longer keep?

Things were undoubtedly going to be tough for them. She might need to call on a friend for help. And she’ll need to find out how to ask for it without giving anything away.

***

Devin couldn’t stop pacing around his house.

What was happening to him? Whenever he was alone, he hated himself. He called himself a disgusting pervert and a miserable piece of shit. A loser for letting this part of him become as strong as it has.

And then when Elise showed up, none of that mattered. She still seemed to like him, even with all his weird quirks. When she was around, he’d fall into Sierra, that girl he so desperately wanted to be. And the one that he admonished himself for wanting to be.

It was like he was becoming a leech, dependent on Elise’s presence to be fulfilled. And that was a very toxic dynamic, leading to bad one-sided relationships.

Who the hell even was “Sierra”? Just some person he made up? Was he really still trying to convince himself that Sierra wasn’t him? Why?

No. Sierra wasn’t him. She was someone else. An alien. An infection. A parasite. Anything. Anything but him. She wasn’t him.

It was her. She was making him do everything. She was making him want to be a girl. She was making him take the hormones. She was making him enjoy the changes they brought. She was making him get the electrolysis sessions. She was making him start a new voice training regimen. Devin had nothing to do with it.

Devin tried hard to convince himself this was the truth. That Sierra was within him making him want to be a girl. That she was making him like being a girl. It had worked many times before.

But not anymore. The illusion was fading.

It just didn’t seem to work anymore. This idea Devin created that he was “infected” with Sierra. That she wasn’t a part of him. That she was “forcing” him to do everything. At this point it seemed like too much effort to keep the fantasy going.

Deep down, Devin always knew he was bullshitting himself. He wasn’t actually insane. He didn’t actually have Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Identity Disorder or any mental condition of that kind. He was faking it in order to absolve himself of any guilt. It was much easier to try to convince himself he was turning into a girl “against his will” than to accept that he was doing all this to himself.

Devin took a few deep breaths. He had gotten way too worked up and needed to cool off. He laid down and tried to clear his head, which worked well for a little while before his mind forced him back.

Sighing, he got up from the couch and went to a body length mirror, running a hand through his brownish blonde hair.

What was he doing? He was sounding insane. He imagined what could have happened if he actually went through with the whole “Sierra has control of my mind” shtick with Elise. No matter how he would have handled it, it would have gone badly. Very badly.

He leaned in closer toward the mirror. It was time for him to accept that Sierra wasn’t some kind of foreign being. She was part of him. She was… him. They were the same person, and he needed to stop pretending they weren’t.

Closing his eyes, he told himself “Sierra is not a different person. She is you. She is you.” He repeated that phrase a few times before taking a deep breath and opening his eyes.

It had actually felt rather calming to admit that. It was as if a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt better. Quite a lot better. He couldn’t help but smile.

He should have just admitted Sierra was a part of him from the start. It would have saved him a lot of effort. And a whole lot of headaches.

Sierra let out a light giggle. This whole thing had been really silly. How could she have tried to convince herself that “Sierra” was some kind of foreign infection when she had specifically picked out the name “Sierra” because she liked it? Maybe she just read too many TG stories.

Though that wasn’t entirely fair. Sure, many of the main characters in those stories start off as male and then become female against their will, but at the same time, many superheroes get their powers against their will, and in general a lot of popular media just has things happen to the main character against their will. It’s a common trope in storytelling that isn’t always indicative of some kind of refusal of self acceptance.

Also, blaming those stories for causing her mental problems was like blaming video games for causing violence. It’s not the entertainment’s fault she had some mental issues she needed to work out.

Sierra pursed her lips. She had to admit though, that she was still right before in one way. That for her, it was much easier to accept becoming a woman “against her will” than it was actually transitioning and accepting that she was becoming a woman “by herself” so to speak. And that aspect still had to be strong in TG content, regardless of any common storytelling tropes.

Devin took a deep sigh. Sierra could never be around for very long unfortunately. It seemed his mind always pushed her out if she overstayed her welcome. And just because he had accepted Sierra was a part of him didn’t mean that that part still wasn’t a shameful, disgusting part.

“Believe me, there are way too many creepy men out there. Too many for us to handle. If you ever stop covering your body in three thousand layers of sweatshirts, you’ll understand.”

What the hell was wrong with him? Was he really happy about being a girl? All that sexism, sexual harassment, and prejudice that the average woman would have to deal with on a daily basis and thinking “I want that”. He was such a prick.

“Let’s be fair” a part of his mind went, “you just want to be a girl, it’s not like you actually want to be sexually harassed, it’s just the unfortunate reality of life”.

“That makes sense”, Devin thought, “After all-”

No.

It didn’t make any fucking sense. If he were to give in to his sick fetish and become a woman, he would be choosing to face all that. Women didn’t have a choice. They were born into it. He wasn’t. He had a choice.

“But you didn’t choose to be tra-”

He shut out that thought immediately. He didn’t want to go there.

Furthermore, was he not just another creepy man? He was still leaving a lot of details out when talking to Elise. How would she react if she found out that he had masterbated to these TG stories? That he had masterbated to TG TF art? She’d probably have a much different, more disgusted reaction with him.

“She’s probably masterbated before, you know?”, the same stubborn part of his mind said, “do you think she’d tell you everything she’s masterbated to?”

As stubborn as that part of his mind was, Devin himself was even more stubborn.

“Do you think she masterbated almost every day? To some kind of fetish? No. If she ever did masterbate, it’s to normal stuff like a person she finds attractive, not to some kind of specific, bizarre, offensive fetish”.

That made sense. To him, it was such a good argument that the part of his mind that disagreed became quiet, and he grinned. His grin faded when he realized he had just said that aloud. He was really lucky no one else was home.

***

“So, to sum everything up, we have a terrible R&B song with cheap production and awful singing with lyrics that are insanely creepy if you actually stop and even remotely listen to them. I guarantee this guy did not know what ‘shake you down’ meant. Or maybe he did, but that would actually be even worse, so to give him the benefit of the doubt, I’m going to assume that he didn’t know. With all this in mind, I can easily say that ‘Shake You Down’ by Gregory Abbott is the number one worst hit song of 1987.”

Devin smiled as he turned the iPad camera off. He didn’t have the best recording equipment, but it wasn’t as if his family was very rich either, so he had to make due with what he had.

He thought that take was really good. He was almost done with the recording process of his “Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 1987” video. He just had to record the outro and he’d be done. Then it’d be on to Sony Vegas for the editing process. Overall, he thought the video would come out well.

Devin groaned as he collapsed onto his bed. It was dark out, and he should probably get some sleep. He didn’t technically do much that day, but it still felt like a ton had happened with all of the mental challenges he went through. Also, he had a shift tomorrow, which he was not looking forward to.

As he stared up into the ceiling, he thought about what the future would hold for him. He’d been thinking about that a lot recently. Arguably too much, but he couldn’t help himself.

What kind of person would he grow up to be? What would his relationship be with his parents? His friends? Elise?

It was a lot to think about. The next few years were definitely not going to be a cakewalk, that was for certain.

Devin collapsed onto his bed as soon as he got to his room. It was a long, uneventful day. He planned on falling asleep right then but he eventually decided to waste some time on his computer instead.

Once Devin turned on his computer, something caught his eye. He had been hit with a pop up ad. It was a very odd looking ad. It said that he had been sent some kind of link by an unknown source, and that it was a “once in a lifetime” opportunity to click on it.

Devin’s immediate suspicion was that he had somehow gotten a virus. An unusual one, but still definitely something that would harm his computer. It would be best for him to not click on the link, close the ad, and hope no further damage had been done.

But for some reason, he felt compelled to click on the link. It was as if the ad was pulling him towards itself. Try as he may, he clicked on the link and was taken to a web site.

The web site itself was extremely plain, displaying nothing but a white screen with black text and a “proceed” button. But what immediately grabbed Devin’s attention was what the black text read.

Devin's eyes went wide. He was so shocked he couldn’t move. “It can’t be…” he thought. “It, it can’t be real.”

“TG Questionnaire: If You Were a Girl”

He had been sent the TG questionnaire. The same one that had been written about so many times. The one that would ask him a bunch of questions about what he would be like if he was a girl, and then make those things happen to him. He was sitting right in front of it.

The questionnaire that was supposed to be fictional.

“This has to be a joke.” He thought.

Devin could not accept this as being real. Someone had to be pranking him. There was probably a camera already set up somewhere. Maybe his parents had found out about his obsession and this was their way of insulting him.

Regardless, he clicked the “proceed” button and was taken to the first question, asked in black text with a text box below along with a “next question” button.

“Why did I do that?” Devin asked himself. Did he actually think this questionnaire was real? Was he really that desperate and delusional? It was just an online questionnaire. It couldn’t actually turn him into a girl. If this was a prank, he was giving the onlookers exactly what they wanted.

Ignoring those thoughts, Devin went on to read the first question.

“Question 1: If you were a girl, would your handwriting be nice?”

Devin thought back to what he knew about this questionnaire. If he remembered correctly, each question would change him without him noticing and after he was done he would forget he was ever male at all.

Devin was never particularly fond of the concept of identity death in TG fiction, or in TF fiction in general for that matter. For starters, he thought it was usually pointless when used as a punishment because the TFee never learns anything. They’re just essentially replaced with a new person. He always thought that if the witch or wizard or whatever that’s punishing someone can alter reality, personalities, and memories, then they could just alter the TFee’s mind to make them already have learned whatever lesson they needed to in the first place. It would be a lot simpler than completely rewriting an entire person’s existence.

Furthermore, the idea of losing all of your memories and being replaced by an entirely new person was something that kind of terrified Devin. And identity death was rarely used in the context of horror, as it was usually shoehorned into a story at the last minute for no reason.

Fortunately identity death might not be something Devin would have to worry about, as he also remembered that the results of the TG questionnaire depended greatly on his responses. He had to be very meticulous about his answers if he wanted to keep his memories.

That was, of course, assuming the questionnaire was real at all. Internally Devin admonished himself for actually believing an online questionnaire could alter reality and turn him into a girl. “I really am a gullible idiot”, he thought.

Devin took a deep sigh as he readied his response to the question. He may have been giving some unknown pranksters exactly what they wanted, but he didn’t care about that anymore. To him, he didn’t have any dignity left to lose.

“If I was a girl, my handwriting would be a lot nicer. In fact, it would be the best that is possible by a human hand.”

Devin cracked a light grin. He knew he didn’t have to be honest with his responses. He could just reply with anything he wanted and it would be granted to him. The test was essentially a giant wish list.

Once Devin clicked the “next question” button, he immediately felt something odd in his hands. The feeling made him jump as it took him completely by surprise.

Devin didn’t even need to look down at his hands. Somewhere in his mind or in the universe it was confirmed to him that his hands were different, and it was the result of his answer. Which meant only one thing.

The questionnaire actually worked.

Devin was stunned. He was too stunned to move. Too stunned to think. This questionnaire was real. It would do anything he wanted. Anything he typed as an answer would be granted to him. He would… turn into a girl. And reality would alter itself so that he would have always been a girl. No transition process, no unaccepting parents, nothing. He’d just be a girl and that was it.

Devin’s eyes welled with tears of happiness. He didn’t care about how his desire to be a girl was just a sick fetish of his. Soon he wouldn’t have to care about that anymore. Ever again. He was going to give into this part of himself and never go back and the thought of doing that thrilled him.

Sierra had the most genuine smile that she had ever had on her face as she read the next question. Devin was a shell. A cage to hold in who she truly was. And with that cage gone forever she finally felt free.

“Question 2: If you were a girl, would you like pink?”

“Whoever wrote these questions probably did not put much thought into them”, Sierra thought to herself. Of course, since the questionnaire was about becoming a girl, there just had to be a question asking if you liked pink.

Before she typed in her answer, Sierra recalled that every time she read about this questionnaire, certain belongings of the test taker would change color depending on their answer to this question. With that in mind, she typed in her answer: “I would have the exact same feelings toward the color pink as I do now.”

After clicking “next question”, she looked around her room and saw that nothing had changed. Exactly what she wanted.

“Question 3: If you were a girl, what would your favorite color be?”

Sierra didn’t get it. Couldn’t they have just asked this question and not the one about liking pink? What was even the point of asking if she liked pink if they were going to ask what her favorite color was anyway?

“My favorite color would be the same that it is now.”

Once she clicked “next question”, she felt as if the universe was frustrated at her for having such a vague response. This only made her laugh. She loved being aware she was angering some kind of reality altering force that really wanted to turn guys into girls for some reason.

“Question 4: If you were a girl, what would your hair be like?”

This one was quite a bit more open ended than the previous ones. Maybe the universe was giving her questions more suited towards her own tastes, Sierra thought rather arrogantly.

Sierra thought about it for a bit. If she really wanted to she could say that her hair color would be something unnatural like blue, purple, or a variety of rainbow colors. But she had to think about the future. This would be her hair for the rest of her life. And she didn’t need all the unnecessary extra attention that would come with having unnaturally colored hair.

“My hair would be straight, and extend down below my shoulders. It would retain its brownish blonde color.”

She clicked “next question” and felt her hair extend downward to below her shoulders.

“Question 5: If you were a girl, how tall would you be?”

Sierra wasn’t exactly a giant, but at 5’9”, she’d definitely be on the taller side for a girl. Probably a little too tall, she thought.

“I would be a bit shorter. 5’7”, to be exact.”

Truthfully her height didn’t bother her too much, but if she was being given the option, she might as well choose to be a couple inches shorter.

She clicked “next question” and noticed herself become slightly shorter. Obviously it wasn’t anything that significant but she could still see a clear difference. It did make her wonder where the extra matter went. After all, a human body can’t just shrink two inches in such a short time, especially without any kind of response from the body itself.

In fact, in all of the TG stories where the main character shrinks in size, where does all that excess matter go? Some stories explain it away by saying it’s converted to waste, but a lot of them leave it as is. If a 6’5” buff man can change into a 5’0” petite woman in just a few seconds, wouldn’t that break the laws of physics? Matter can’t be created or destroyed, right?

Sierra was really just wasting her time. It wasn’t worth looking at every small plot hole or inconsistency that a story has. It’s all fiction. Not everything has to line up perfectly with reality.

With that thought out of the way, Sierra read the next question.

“Question 6: If you were a girl, how big would your breasts be?”

This was definitely one of the more important questions, and it was one Sierra really needed to think about. She couldn’t just blow it off.

Or could she?

She had breasts right now, from the months of taking secret hormones, and even though they were rather small, they’d probably continue to grow for at least a while. And because of that, she could just say that her breasts would be as big as they are now. It’d be a pretty easy response for her, especially considering that she didn’t know much of anything about cup sizes and bra measurements.

After thinking it over and contemplating how to word her response, she decided to go with that. “My breasts would continue growing as normal, just like they are doing right now.”

She clicked “next question”, and nothing changed.

“Question 7: If you were a girl, would you use pads or tampons?”

This was another really important question, as it was the one that would change her genitalia. But unlike the last question, it was one where her specific response wouldn’t create any unique changes. No matter what she answered, she’d always gain a vagina.

Sierra pondered it. She was well aware that menstruation was not pleasant and was often quite painful. And it seemed she was about to start going through it. Would it be worth it? Just to gain a vagina that easily? And what would she even type in? She had heard about Toxic Shock Syndrome in regard to tampons, and it sounded pretty bad, so she figured she’d go with pads.

Eventually Sierra decided that it would be worth it. It wasn’t like she was ever going to be given the opportunity to get a vagina this easily ever again. And besides, it wasn’t as if anyone would actually know about her taking this test anyway, so no one would be able to judge her decision.

“I would use pads. I would only use tampons if I had no other options.”

After clicking “next question”, Sierra let out a gasp. She felt her penis pull itself in. It was a very odd feeling. But it did confirm one thing. She now had a vagina.

Having a vagina was just like she imagined. She no longer had to deal with that gross dangling feeling between her legs that bothered her so much. She no longer had to see the disgusting thing in the shower. No longer had to see any kind of bulge in her underwear. It made her so happy she was nearly brought to tears.

After getting herself under control, she read the next question.

“Question 8: If you were a girl, how many dicks would you be able to take at once?”

It seemed that every iteration of this questionnaire asked a really stupid question. How does one even go about answering this?

Sierra contemplated her response for a few minutes, typing some things in to get an idea of what she would say. It took a while, but she settled on an answer she was satisfied with.

“I would be able to take however many dicks I feel like. And I don’t think this is a very good question. It’s too vague and unpredictable. How am I supposed to anticipate what changes will happen to my body depending on my response? What if my answer makes my mouth or vagina opening extend to a length that isn’t biologically viable? It seems like you’re trying to trip me up.”

Once Sierra clicked “next question”, she felt that same feeling of the universe being angry with her again. It only made her grin.

“Final Question: If you were a girl, what would your name be?”

“Only nine questions?” Sierra thought, “I could’ve sworn there were more.”

While it was true that not every iteration of this questionnaire was exactly the same, this one seemed very different. There weren’t even ten questions. Why was this one so short?

Perhaps she got a special one. A special questionnaire for a special recipient, Sierra thought. She laughed. She sure was being arrogant today, wasn’t she? Then again, was she really wrong? She was well aware of the questionnaire’s existence before she came across it herself, which was unlike anyone else who came upon it.

On that note though, did the other people who took this questionnaire genuinely choose their names? This was usually the last question asked, and at this point the test taker has had their mind warped and messed with to a significant extent. So do they actually choose their names? Was this worth wondering about? Probably not.

Sierra, of course, already knew her name. She’d chosen it herself, after all. So she simply typed in “My name is Sierra Farrow”. Once she clicked the “finish test” button, she was greeted with a message.

“Thank you for having the time to go through our little quiz. We hope you enjoyed it. You can send it to whoever you want. Hopefully this next person won’t be such a smartass.”

Sierra chuckled. They really didn’t like her, did they? Well, whoever “they” are anyway. But that didn’t matter. The test was finished. For all intents and purposes, she was a girl now.

As Sierra closed out of the web site, she couldn’t hold back her excitement. It was over. The dull, lifeless void that was her male life was finally over. She’d never have to go through it again. For her, this was the start of a new life. A much better, more fulfilling one.

Sierra’s mind went wild with images of what she now looked like. Pictures of beautiful women filled her head. She imagined herself as the most beautiful and elegant looking woman that had ever lived. Perhaps she should keep her expectations reasonable, but she was so happy she just couldn’t help herself.

Sierra ran to the mirror in her room with a smile on her face.

Her smile immediately fell when she saw what was being reflected.

It was a disgusting sight. It was probably the most vile thing she had ever seen. A hideously deformed human with a giant, asymmetrical body and gaping bloody holes all over, where insects were endlessly crawling out.

It was so bad that Devin began throwing up.

It was the most violent, forceful throw up that Devin had ever had. It felt as if all his organs were being ripped apart and expelled violently out of his mouth. The pain was so unbearable Devin thought he would die.

The vomit itself was a putrid looking blood red. And it had a foul stench worse than anything Devin had ever smelled before.

He tried to stop it but he couldn’t. The vomit kept coming out with no hesitation or break. Soon his entire room was covered in it and tears came out of Devin’s eyes. He was begging for relief. Begging to keel over and die so he’d be put out of his misery. But it didn’t happen. For minutes on end he was left paralyzed on the floor as more and more vomit filled the room. He closed his eyes, praying that it would stop.

Devin's eyes suddenly shot open as he heard the opening notes of “Losing My Religion”. Breathing heavily, it took a few minutes for him to reorient himself.

He had never been so happy to be awake.

It was just a dream. Another really bad dream. Another dream that teased him about how much he wanted to be a girl and showed him how gross he was. He could still feel the pain throughout his body. Still see his disgusting reflection in the mirror. Still smell the awful stench emanating from the vomit.

Why did his dreams have to be so cruel to him? Devin wished that his dreams could provide him with some kind of escape and relief from his dull, grey life. That he could… be a girl in his dreams without any shame. But that never happened. His dreams would never let him be a girl. Instead they resorted to teasing him about his stupid fetish, and he hated them for it.

Devin stared at the ceiling for what seemed like hours. He needed time to destress. Needed time to forget about that awful nightmare he just had.

It took a while, but he finally was able to reach out his hand and check the time on his phone. 8:30. Not much time had passed since he woke up.

He groaned as he got out of bed. He had a shift today at the local retail store. It wasn’t something he was looking forward to, but after the awful dream he just had, it felt slightly less painful.

Devin groaned.

It wasn’t as if working at Sheetz was exceedingly difficult, but it could be tough, and it was definitely unpleasant. Devin quickly found out that working in retail was very stressful, especially when the customers were being massive dicks, which could happen a lot.

Truthfully, Devin only got the job to pay for his hormones. As a minor there weren’t a lot of options for him to take when it came to getting a job, and he was lucky that this Sheetz hired him. It seemed like a pretty good deal. A part time job paying $15 per hour and shifts of 20-25 hours per week was an offer Devin just couldn’t refuse.

It was pretty easy to convince his parents to go along with it. In their minds they saw it as “our little boy is so responsible and hardworking”. Occasionally Devin felt guilty for hiding all this from them. He could only imagine what their reaction would be like if they found out why he really got this job.

Devin got along well with his coworkers, at least mostly. He communicated and worked well with them but it wasn’t as if he ever really took the time to get to know them. To be fair, it wasn’t like they did that either.

As for hiding his changes, it wasn’t as hard as Devin anticipated. He was pretty good at hiding his chest, and no one seemed to suspect anything. That didn’t mean he wasn’t stressed out about it, or that he didn’t have any close calls before, but overall he’d say he was successful.

***

“Well, my shift is over. I’m leaving. I don’t care what the manager says.”

Devin looked over to his coworker, Liam, and saw the annoyance on his face. It was true that the manager was particularly stingy on the times when employees were allowed to leave, and Devin was tempted to reply back with a warning of sorts, but he didn’t. Liam was already well aware of the manager’s thoughts in that area, and Devin wasn’t exactly someone who was comfortable with speaking up to people.

So he just looked on as Liam walked out of the building.

Sometimes Devin wished he had Liam’s confidence. Devin never left his shift immediately, as the manager would always give people a hard time about that. But Liam never cared about what the manager would say. Since staffing wasn’t really a problem at the moment, it was a wonder Liam wasn’t fired.

“Devin, did Liam go early again?”

Devin turned around to see none other than the manager, Morgan. “Speak of the devil”, he thought to himself.

“Umm… no.”

“Don’t get smart with me. You know what I mean.” Morgan said sternly.

“He did… leave, yes.” Devin said to her.

Morgan took a deep breath. “I needed him for another thirty minutes. I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to have this talk with him.”

Devin, stressed from the conversation, turned away from Morgan. Devin was always stressed when she was around, which he presumed was true among all the workers there. Authority figures just always exuded an intimidating presence that affected everyone under them.

It seemed that Liam was one of the exceptions.

Morgan did eventually leave with a groan coming from her mouth, granting Devin relief from some of his stress.

***

Devin had lost track of the time. He wasn’t sure how long it had been since his shift had ended. He guessed about twenty minutes or so but for all he knew it could’ve been forty minutes. Work could seriously skew someone’s sense of time.

“You’re good Devin. You can go home.”

Morgan had caught sight of him and apparently decided she didn’t need him anymore. Devin, immediately relieved of all his stress, walked out of the building and went to his car that his parents had gifted him for his seventeenth birthday. The Sheetz was only ten minutes away from his house, which only made the job more convenient for him.

As Devin drived home, he contemplated Morgan’s behavior. She really needed to be less stingy about employee shift times. When a shift ends, an employee should just be allowed to leave, right? That seemed to make sense, but Morgan always got annoyed when employees left immediately after their shift ended. Did she, as the manager, even have the power to get mad at that? Did she even have the power to make people stay extra time? Devin wasn’t entirely sure.

When Devin arrived at his house, he plopped down on one of the couches in the living room and got out his phone, content to browse through social media for however long until he got bored of it.

***

“Are you sure about this?” Julie asked Ronald.

“Completely. I think it’d be a good thing for everyone.”

Julie sighed. “I… I still think we’re taking this a bit too seriously. We might be worrying about nothing at all.”

“Better safe than sorry, you know?” Ronald said. “Look honey, I just want to be safe, okay? You remember how hard it was just to convince them to get the vaccine. It could be nothing, but what if it isn’t? I just think it’d be best if we just talked to them. And I mean really talk to them. Just to be safe. Alright?”

“Yeah.” Julie said. “Yeah, okay. So we’re going down tomorrow for this, right?”

“Yeah, tomorrow.”

***

“You know, my boyfriend is a football player. Your’s is a wimpy nerd.”

Elise huffed. Emma always said anything she could to boost her ego. Unfortunately for her, she never sounded as cool as she probably intended to. Elise found it kind of funny.

“You’re 15, for you there’s no such thing as ‘being cool’. When you’re older, you’ll look back on these days in embarrassment.”

“Hey, I’m cooler than you were when you were 15. Mainly because my boyfriend is a football player.”

“Do you ever shut up about that?” Elise asked. “We get it. Your boyfriend is a football player. Big deal. He’s 15. It’s not like he’s the star quarterback or anything. You really want to wear that as a trophy? You’re not even on the damn cheer squad.”

“Excuse me?” Emma shot back, offended. “Are you saying I’m not cut out to be a cheerleader?”

“What are you talking about? Since when do you care about that?”

“You can’t just tell me I’m not cut out to be a cheerleader. Do you think I’d be a bad cheerleader?”

Elise chuckled. “I’d like to see you try.”

“Alright, I will! I’ll show you!” Emma told her. “I’ll be a great cheerleader! A fantastic one! One of the best ever!”

Elise rolled her eyes as Emma stormed away.

***

Elise sighed. It seemed that yet again, she was up, late at night. She just couldn’t fall asleep.

It was hard. She simply could not stop thinking about Sierra and what to do about her. It was always the same questions that she pondered over in her mind. What would their future look like? Would they still be together? What would their reputation be at school? Was she still attracted to Sierra?

And then there were some new questions that Elise hadn’t even considered before that she was thinking about, such as how her parents would react to Sierra. She hoped they would be understanding. Things were already complicated enough, she didn’t need another thing to worry about.

Elise groaned. She definitely couldn’t sort all this out on her own. She needed someone to help her. She’d been putting off telling someone about this for too long. She got out her phone and began texting a message to Amanda.

“Hey, are you awake?”

After sending the text, she laid her head on her hand, waiting. It was pretty late out, and Elise didn’t know Amanda’s sleeping habits. For all she knew, she may have just been wasting her time waiting for something.

But, luckily for her, it wasn’t long before she got a response.

“Yeah, what do you want?”

“I need to talk about something. It’s pretty important.”

“What is it?”

Elise contemplated what to say next.

How would she even go about phrasing the message? How could she possibly convey what she was feeling? And how could she do all of this without giving Sierra away?

She could say that she thinks she might be attracted to girls. But was that even true? Could she say that and be honest? On the other hand though, how would she be able to get across anything without saying something along those lines?

It took a while, but Elise eventually found a message she was satisfied with. She texted it to Amanda.

“I think I might like girls.”

Elise sat there for minutes on end, waiting for a response. She couldn't even imagine what Amanda was thinking right now. It had to be a lot to process the message just sent to her.

Though at the same time, Elise also thought she may have been making too big a deal out of this. Perhaps Amanda wouldn't see this as that big of a revelation. Only time would tell.

Of course, there was a lot of context and information that Amanda wasn't getting.

Elise heard her phone vibrate. She had finally gotten a response.

“Okay?”

“Are you planning on leaving Devin?”

That message hit Elise harder the more she thought about it. Upon first seeing it, she realized she probably should've told Amanda that she was still attracted to guys. But at the same time, Devin, or Sierra, wasn't really a guy was she? So what did that mean for Elise? She had wondered about if she would leave Sierra before, but to see someone else ask her if she would hit her a lot harder than she expected.

Elise began constructing her response. “No. I still like guys. I’m not leaving Devin.” She sent the message.

And again, Elise waited. While she did, she started to contemplate the extent to which Amanda could help her. Truthfully, there wasn’t much she could do if she wasn’t getting the full story, or anything even resembling it. So why did Elise ask her for help? Probably just so she could talk to someone. Elise sighed. This would probably be more trouble than it was worth.

Elise felt her phone vibrate again.

“Okay. So what’s the problem?”

Elise was confused. “What do you mean?” She texted back.

“Well, if you’re not leaving Devin and you still like guys, then what’s the problem? You might like girls, so what? It’s no big deal.”

Elise was beginning to get frustrated. With the small amount of information Amanda was getting it was nearly impossible for her to give Elise any kind of help that was actually, well, helpful. Elise was about to text Amanda another vague statement that could possibly grant her a response she’d find comforting or useful, but she stopped herself. What would be accomplished if she did that? They’d just be going through the same motions they just went through, again and again, wasting everyone’s time. There would be no point. It would also make Amanda become more suspicious of what was really going on, making it more likely she’d find out about Sierra before she was ready. It would be for the best if Elise ended it here

“Okay, thanks.” Elise texted Amanda.

Elise turned her phone off and laid it down on her night stand. Amanda didn’t really help her much, but to be fair there wasn’t much she could’ve done. Of course, with the way their conversation went, there was no way Amanda wasn’t going to ask more questions. Elise groaned. At this point she regretted even telling Amanda anything. Now she had even more to deal with.

Elise began to think that perhaps she should go about this situation in a different way. Maybe she should just wait for her new relationship with Sierra to play out, and then find out what she wants to do. And whenever Sierra chooses to “come out”, she can ask others for help. It may not be ideal, but it’s not like she had any other options. Asking others for help right now certainly wasn’t working, at least.

Elise plopped down onto her bed and turned her head toward the window. She’d be going to Sierra’s house again tomorrow. Maybe it was finally time to have some tough conversations with her. Sierra probably wouldn’t be ready, but then again, neither was Elise.

***

The morning sunlight shined through the window of Devin’s room as he woke up. He breathed a sigh of relief. No nightmare this time. Just another random nonsensical dream he was already forgetting.

As Devin got out of bed he wished he could forget about the dreams that would tease him about wanting to be a girl. Unfortunately, for the most part those dreams stayed in his head. The one he had the previous night especially. He could still picture that awful reflection in his mind.

Shaking his head of the unpleasant thought, he got out his phone and saw that Elise had texted him. She said that she was coming over again today. In that case, he should probably get dressed.

As he went over to his closet to find some clothes, his mind went wild with expectations of what Elise and him would do together. He was both excited and afraid. At this point Elise had to have gotten more curious about “Sierra”. She had to have so many questions she wanted to ask. And there was no chance she’d back down from asking them forever.

Also, it was likely that they’d continue reading through “For a Girl”. They were already more than halfway through the story, and it’d be stupid not to finish it after putting so much time into it. Devin was still shocked that Elise seemed to like the story, but he’d been getting quite a few surprises lately.

It was then that Devin remembered exactly which chapter in the story was next.

His eyes went wide as he rushed over to his computer, opened up “For a Girl”, and went to the seventh chapter, only to have his fears confirmed.

“VII - Good Night, Sweet Principal!”

“Shit”, he thought to himself.

On an intellectual level, he knew from when they started reading this story that they would eventually get to this part. And deep down he had dreaded that moment. He’d been able to ignore those feelings before, but now, with the chapter staring right at him, he was forced to confront them.

This chapter was rather infamous among anyone who had read “For a Girl”. At least Devin assumed so, since he had seen multiple reviews on Fictionmania and TG Storytime calling the chapter bizarre, gross, and unnecessary. Whatever the case, this chapter was really bad. If there’s any indication that “For a Girl” hasn’t aged the best it’s this chapter, where Stephanie is manipulated into being spanked by a middle aged man while he doesn’t even try to conceal his erection or arousal. He even takes Stephanie’s hand and has her touch her panties, all while going on about how she was “never meant to be a guy”, and that “she is a good woman because she submits herself under men”.

With all that, it’s not hard to see why the chapter was so controversial.

Devin certainly hated the chapter. For him, it wasn’t necessarily that the story depicted sexual assault that bothered him. He believed fictional stories had a right to depict awful things that happen in real life. No, it was that the story handled a topic as sensitive as sexual assault in such a disrespectful way. In fact, the story itself doesn’t even acknowledge that what the principal did to Stephanie was sexual assault at all, and instead seems to think the experience was some kind of “sexual awakening” for her. That it showed her how much she likes being dominated by men, and so it was good for her.

That was what really tipped Devin off, more than anything else. The idea that sexual assault could in any way be considered a “positive experience”. He understood that in real life, there are plenty of creepy, predatory men that never see any consequences for their actions. It’s simply one of the very cruel facts of life. But the story doesn’t depict anything like that. It instead depicts a sexual assault and doesn’t just not acknowledge that it was a sexual assault, but attempts to argue that it was a good experience for the victim.

And even beyond that, the entire chapter didn’t really add anything to the story. The whole scene of the principal sexually assaulting Stephanie is never really brought up again except for one scene in a later chapter where Stephanie is in the principal’s office again with a news reporter. It simply begs the question “what was the point?”

This one chapter really brought the entire story down in Devin’s eyes. It always left a sour taste in his mouth. While the story was kind of problematic before in the earlier chapters, Devin had always found it manageable. This chapter, on the other hand, was when the story officially jumped the shark. It was the chapter that made it impossible for Devin to think of the story in anything other than a mixed light.

And as Devin looked out his window and saw Elise’s car pull into the driveway, he realized Elise was about to read it.

2 Year Earlier

After years of reading through TG stories on the internet, Devin decides to try writing one himself. He had already taken to drawing some TF comics, so this seemed like the next logical step.

What he quickly learns is that writing, just like drawing, is not nearly as simple as it seems.

It takes a lot of time, and editing, and constant rereadings of the same sections of text to make sure everything flows naturally.

For Devin, it eventually seems like too much to handle, so he stops. It’s not as if his ideas were really any good anyway. Most of them were just retreads of tropes and ideas that had been done before by better authors. He wasn’t a very original person, was he?

When Devin started drawing TF comics, he gained a better appreciation for the amount of work that the artists put into them, and now the same could be said for the writers of these stories. He had a much better idea of the amount of work that goes into writing any story and making it flow as a cohesive narrative. He should really show more respect to the people who write these things, especially since they write them knowing they won’t receive any profit for it.

He had once been frustrated that the “Of Heroes And Villains” series was never finished, as the third installment never made it past the fourth chapter, but now he thought of that frustration as being immature, as well as entitled. That author had gone out of her way to write two whole novels and post them on the internet, where people can read them free of any charge. She didn’t have to do that, but she did. And Devin should have been grateful, if anything, especially since “Of Heroes And Villains” and “The Ties That Bind” made a solid duology on their own.

If Devin really wanted to, he could probably push through and complete one of these stories himself. Maybe people would like it. Maybe they’d even come back to it, and remember it fondly. Maybe it’d help them through a tough time, just like a lot of these stories have done for him. But Devin still decided against it.

Perhaps he just wasn’t cut out for writing.

***

Elise took a deep breath as she approached Sierra’s house. Even though she had the whole night to rest and prepare herself for this visit, she still felt nervous.

Why was she so tense anyway? This was Sierra she was talking to. Sierra was her friend, her lover. And she had been with her twice before. There shouldn’t have been anything to be afraid of.

With that thought, Elise tried to calm herself down. It partially worked, but a lot of that nervousness still remained within her.

With a sigh, she knocked on Sierra’s door, waiting for her to let her in.

***

To say Devin was nervous was an understatement. He was actually afraid of what Elise would think once she read that chapter. Would she hate him? Would she go on a transphobic rampage? Would she go around and say all transgender people were sick fetishists?

“No, no. Stop it!” He reprimanded himself. “Elise is a good person, stop assuming the worst of her. Be a good boyfriend.”

It was definitely true that Devin had a tendency to overreact, from time to time. And this was probably just another thing he was getting far too worked up about. After all, it was just a story. Elise probably wouldn’t care that much if he just explained it to her.

And besides, if she does end up hating transgender people for it, which she won’t, but if she does, it’s not like it would matter to Devin, right? He wasn’t trans, he was just a guy with a gender bending fetish. Right?

Yeah, that made sense to him. He was just a guy with a gender bending fetish. A fetish so strong that he went out of his way to take female hormones for it. A fetish he had to constantly reassure himself of just to banish those thoughts that may actually be transgender away. It may not seem like it to someone else, but really it made total sense.

When he heard the knock on the front door, he snapped out of his contemplation and raced to open it, ready to let Elise in. And to expect the best of her.

***

It took a while, but soon after Elise had knocked on the door, Devin swung it open and greeted her.

“Hey.” Devin said. “Are you doing well?”

“I think so.” Elise responded.

“Good, uh, why don’t you come in?”

Elise proceeded to walk into the house. Afterward Devin closed the front door and locked it.

“So… anything on your mind?” Devin asked.

Elise nodded her head. “A lot, actually.”

“Really?”

“Well, yeah. It isn’t often that I have so much to… think about.”

“Oh.” Devin gave a light chuckle. “Right, I understand that… do you want to talk about it?”

“What else would I want to do?”

***

Devin and Elise had sat themselves down on two of the couches in the living room. Devin had asked Elise if she wanted breakfast, to which Elise declined, saying she wasn’t hungry.

“So…” Devin started. “What’s going on?”

“I talked to Amanda yesterday.” Elise replied.

“You did? What did you talk about?”

“Oh, you know, about… recent occurrences.”

Devin suddenly got a very worried look on his face. “You didn’t tell her about-”

Elise’s expression turned into a caring one. “Oh no! Don’t worry. I did not tell her about, well, you know, you.”

Devin took a sigh of relief. “Good. Again, my parents don’t even know about that. And that would’ve been a bad way for them to find out.”

“Are you ever going to tell them?”

Devin hesitated for a bit. “Well, I mean… w-why don’t you just tell me what you and Amanda talked about?”

Elise sighed. “I basically just did. There’s not much else to say. I told her that I might like girls. And then she said that shouldn’t get in the way of anything and to not worry about it.”

“And that was it?”

“Yes.”

Devin contemplated what to say next. “So, do you like girls?”

“I don’t know.” Elise answered. “I… I’m going to be honest, Devin. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

“Do what anymore?”

“This! Devin, it’s just… so much to handle. You’re so secretive for months and then all this about Sierra just suddenly comes out. By accident too! Were you ever planning on telling me?”

“Of course I was.”

“Really? Because I remember you saying ‘I don’t need to tell anyone everything!’”

“Well, that was more of a heat of the moment type thing.” Devin replied tensely. “And I mean, I don’t have to tell anyone everything. I have a right to privacy, you know.”

“Sierra is a pretty big thing. That’s not something you can keep a secret. Do you even know what the others at school were saying about you? Some of them thought you were on drugs or had some kind of disease or something.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Yes! But they believed it. Because you never told anyone what was actually going on. Those body changes from the pills you take? The ones you try to hide? Yeah, people noticed. They may not have noticed what the changes were, but they noticed something was happening. And I’m sure your parents noticed too.”

“I- I- Listen, I know I’ve been secretive lately. But I promise that will be over. From now on, no more secrets. Okay?”

“I don’t think I can believe that.”

Devin looked down. “I don’t think I can either.”

“Are you even ready to commit to that?” Elise asked Devin.

“Probably not.” Devin replied. “I probably couldn’t even bring myself to tell my parents about this. I just… I have no idea how they’d react.”

“I understand.” Elise told him.

Devin looked back up at Elise. “How about this? How about Sierra can be our secret for now. We can decide when she comes out. How does that sound?”

Elise face turned to a frown. “I-I’m not sure if this is the best way to go about this. You’re literally referring to yourself in third person!”

Devin sighed. “I know, I know. It’s complicated. I’m not pretending Sierra and I aren’t the same person. Not anymore, at least. But it’s just… I don’t know. It’s hard. But please, can you do this? Can you keep Sierra a secret for now? Please?”

Elise put her hand on Devin’s shoulder. “Okay. I can do that. Sierra can be our little secret.”

With Elise’s hand on his shoulder, Devin was able to calm down and even give Elise a smile. He found it easier to talk to Elise. And they did talk for about another hour over mostly inconsequential matters. It was just like old times, for them at least. A relief after a very tense conversation.

Eventually though, Devin mustered up the courage to ask Elise that same important question again.

“So…” he said. “Do you like girls? Do you like me?”

“I just, I still don’t…” Elise tried to reply, but she found it hard. This time the question had hit her even harder. What could she say? She didn’t even know what the truth was. And she wasn’t even sure if Devin considered himself a girl. What would be the consequences of her answer? What would happen if she said the wrong thing?

But, it was then when Elise realized something. She was happy with Sierra, wasn’t she? She still liked her. She liked being with her, she liked spending time with her. She just liked her. And she couldn’t deny that she found Sierra’s feminine face cute.

Eventually she settled on something. She stopped caring about the future and decided to live in the moment. And she hoped Sierra would do the same.

Elise gave out a smile. “Of course. I like you, Sierra.”

Devin gave a surprised look before Elise embraced him in a kiss.

When Elise felt those lips on hers for another time, all doubt was erased from her mind. She still didn’t know what the future held for them, but what she did know, is that they’d still be together. They were going to go through this together. And they were going to stay together for as long as they could.

It was only seconds after Elise withdrew her lips that Sierra nearly threw herself onto Elise. It was then Elise’s turn to give out a surprised look before joining in on another make out session.

Sierra wasn’t sure what was happening but she loved it. She wanted more. She didn’t know how much but she wanted more.

Every other time that she and Elise had made out in the past, there had always been some kind of underlying discomfort. She had definitely liked kissing her before, but there was always something that held her back from truly loving it.

That was gone now.

There was nothing to hold her back anymore. And Sierra couldn’t get enough of it. She completely lost track of time, losing herself in the moment, exactly like Elise wanted her to.

The two proceeded to make out on the couch for minutes on end.

***

“Okay…” Elise grinned as she slowly pulled herself away from Sierra. “I think that’s enough kisses for now.”

Sierra frowned, which only made Elise laugh. “Aww, you’re so cute when you pout.”

Blushing, Sierra pulled Elise into a hug, laying her head on her shoulder and embracing her in a cuddle.

“I love you too.” Elise said.

***

After a few more minutes of cuddling, Elise ended the embrace and stood up from the couch.

“I’m sorry but I’m actually getting pretty hungry. I’d really like some breakfast.”

Sierra was at first disappointed to see Elise end their cuddling session and she even gave out another pout.

Elise laughed. “Do you know how adorable you are?”

Sierra blushed. “Alright, we can-”, she suddenly stopped talking when she heard her voice. That ugly, deep, masculine voice.

“Is everything okay?” Elise asked with concern.

“Yeah… Yeah of course.” Devin replied. “Umm… I was saying we can cook together… if you’d like.”

“Oh, that sounds like a wonderful idea!” Elise exclaimed. “I can’t wait to see your kitchen skills!”

Elise practically sprinted to the kitchen while Devin just stayed there in the living room, sitting on the couch.

It was his voice. It was always his voice. Every single time he fell into Sierra, he’d go right back as soon as he heard his voice. His very low, very male voice that he hated so much.

Why hadn’t he started voice training yet? When it came to the hormones, the pixie cut, and even the electrolysis session, he was very persistent. He had of course pretended at the time that “Sierra” was forcing him to do those things, but that didn’t change his determination to get them done. So what was different now? He wasn’t nearly as obsessed with getting the voice training done as he believed he’d be.

Perhaps it was just the amount of work and commitment that voice training required. He’d need to keep at it every day for months to see any results at all. It was such a daunting task.

To make matters worse, he had three months of summer vacation before the next year of high school, and that meant he had to make a decision quickly. If he wanted to sound passable at all as a girl, he needed to start voice training now. All the bullying and harassment he’d get would no doubt be much worse if he still sounded like a guy.

Hell, whether or not he’d go to school as Sierra next year was a massive decision in it of itself. And it was one that would require a lot of work if he went through with it. He’d need to tell his parents, get them to agree, get a bunch of paperwork sorted out, shop for a new clothing selection, and do the voice training all on top of that. It was so much to handle, and Devin didn’t even want to think about it, but he knew that eventually, he’d have to.

It wasn’t like the other decision was much better either. Try to get through his last year of high school as a guy, while Elise knew him as a girl and he still had to take another gym credit, forcing him into a locker room. It would be damn near impossible to hide his changes there. A bunch of young teenage males aren’t just not going to notice when a guy in a locker room takes off his shirt and reveals an obvious pair of breasts and a bra. And even if he is somehow able to change in a room other than the locker room, the gym clothes he’d be changing into would leave his breasts visible to everyone. It seemed like Devin was stuck in a corner. No matter what option he chose, he was fucked.

Devin laid his head on his hand. Of course, all of this was assuming he could even sort himself out. Honestly sometimes Devin didn’t even understand himself. He had no qualms with transgender people, and he supported them whenever he could, but whenever the idea that he himself was transgender came up in his mind, he immediately shot it down. For some reason the very idea of being transgender was appalling to him. He desperately did not want to be “one of them”, no matter what. He’d rather be a guy with a genderbending fetish, something he was still deeply ashamed of, than a trans girl.

And at the same time, if he was being honest, he was starting to warm up to Sierra. It was becoming clear he was just having more fun as her, and the idea of giving into her completely didn’t sound quite as awful and terrifying as it used to.

There was a hell of a lot wrong with him, that was for sure. It would definitely confuse the average person.

“Hey, are you coming?” Elise asked from the kitchen

“Oh, yeah… sorry.” Devin shook himself out of his deep contemplations and went to join Elise.

***

“Okay, so I looked through your cabinets and refrigerator. Sorry, by the way. But I found all the ingredients for pancake mix. We could definitely make some killer pancakes, from scratch. What do you think?”

“Umm… yeah. That sounds good.” Devin responded.

Elise tilted her head to the side. “Are you sure everything’s okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s okay. Just thinking things over.”

“Oh? What things?”

Devin sighed. It seemed he had already given away too much information. At this point he might as well say everything. After all, he had promised to her that he would no longer be keeping secrets… kind of, at least.

“I was just thinking about school next year. Whether I’m going to be going as Devin or… Sierra, or whatever. And whether I’m going to start voice training… And whether I can even figure everything out. That kind of stuff. It’s just so much. I… I don’t know what I can do. It’s like no matter what I do, things are going to be bad.”

“Well.” Elise started. “No one ever said life would be easy.” She gave out a light chuckle. “I mean I guess in your case it is pretty hard, but I just want you to know that… I’ll- I’ll always be there for you, if you need support. I know I’ll never completely understand what you’re going through, but… we’re going to get through this together. I promise.”

Devin smiled at that. It was a corny, clichéd response, but it worked. And it better had to, he read TG stories after all.

“Thank you.”

“No problem. Now, do you want to make some pancakes?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, that sounds great.” Devin answered.

***

To his surprise, Devin was actually having a lot of fun cooking with Elise. He hadn't really put much thought into that suggestion when he first made it, but he was still glad that the idea came to his mind. He might even do this with her again some time.

“And now Emma’s actually going to join the cheerleading squad all because I told her she wasn’t a cheerleader. I didn’t even say she’d be bad at it, I just pointed out that she wasn’t a cheerleader to try and get her to shut up about her boyfriend being a football player. She doesn’t have any idea what she’s signing up for. She’s going to get her neck broken or something.” Elise said as Devin poured another pancake on the griddle.

“Well, you’ve never been a cheerleader, have you? So why are you judging her?” Devin asked.

“I’m not trying to judge her, but… it’s just the truth! Cheerleading is really dangerous! I heard there’s at least one death per year from it. And Emma is no gymnast.”

“I guess I can’t argue with that. You know, I never really understood cheerleading. To me it just seems like making a bunch of girls do incredibly dangerous stunts in revealing outfits all just to cheer on the male sports players. Is this really something we want to continue? In our ‘modern progressive’ age? Seems pretty backwards.”

Elise gave out a light groan. “Oh geez Devin, do you really need to be like that? I know some of the girls on the cheerleading squad, and they’re all really hard workers. They love doing what they do. And they understand the danger. Would you really say what you just did to one of them?”

“No, I just have some problems with the sport, that’s all.”

“How would you fix it?”

Devin parted his lips. “Hmm, I’m not sure. I might have to get back to you on that.”

***

“You know, there were quite a few early 2000s pop songs about Superman.” Devin said. “I guess there’s not enough to call it a trend. Maybe a mini trend or something? I don’t know. But look, you had ‘Kryptonite’ by 3 Doors Down, ‘Superwoman’ by Lil Mo and Fabolous, ‘Superman It’s Not Easy’ by Five for Fighting, and ‘Superman’ by Eminem. And hell, if you want to go even further, there was ‘Hero’ by Enrique Iglesias and ‘Hero’ by Chad Kroeger. I really wonder, what was going on back then?”

“Don’t know. Maybe they knew that one day people would be going on random tangents about it.” Elise grinned.

Devin scoffed.

***

The pancakes were good. Really good. No bitter spots, and only a few ended up burnt.

“Whipped cream?” Elise asked.

“It’s more for presentation purposes.” Devin said as he shaked the bottle.

“Can I have some?”

“Yeah, just wait.”

Devin sprayed some whipped cream on his pancakes before giving the bottle to Elise.

“Thank you.”

Devin watched as Elise sprayed the whipped cream. “So.” He started. “Are your parents really going to let you stay all day?”

“Pretty much. Though they insist I come home before nightfall. Remember, they still don’t know your parents aren’t here.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah… I’ve been meaning to ask you, how did you convince your parents to let you stay home by yourself for a whole week?”

“Well.” Devin answered. “I think it’s mainly about earning trust. So far I haven’t done anything illegal, I have a part time job, and I’ve shown I can keep the house clean. With all that, it becomes a lot easier to make your case. Also the fact that my extended relatives are, well, let’s just say ‘not with the times’ helps.”

Elise gave him a knowing nod. “I know how you feel. Like, my grandparents are very backwards these days. I heard my dad say they might be QAnon nuts. I believe him honestly. Apparently they’re going over today to talk to them about it. It probably won’t go well.”

“You should at least have some hope.” Devin told her.

“Yeah but we should also be realistic about these things. This isn’t the first time they’ve tried to talk to them. It didn’t work then so why do they think it’ll work now?”

“Again, hope. They probably have a lot of it.”

“What good is hope if it’s unrealistic?” Elise said. “And besides, my grandparents are also wildly racist, why are they the victims here?”

Devin swallowed a bite of his pancake. “I actually agree with you there. Like, I remember one time when I was six spending the night at my grandparent’s house, and my grandfather told me he’d ‘beat the shit out of me’ if I turned out to be a ‘faggot’. I didn’t even know what a ‘faggot’ was at the time. I still remember the look on my parents’ faces when I told them about it.” Devin took another bite. “Honestly that’s probably the main reason why they let me stay here and didn’t force me to go to Florida for a week. So I wouldn’t have to deal with my grandfather.”

Elise’s eyes widened after Devin told his story. “Wow, that’s… that’s insane. He really said that?”

Devin nodded.

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah, it’s crazy what some older relatives will say. But like, the point I’m trying to make is that my grandfather isn’t the victim here. He’s not just a poor victim of homophobic propaganda, he has agency of his own.” Devin chewed and swallowed another bite of pancake. “You know, I keep hearing people say stuff about the white working class and how they’re tricked into being racist and stuff like that, and like, I kind of understand what they’re trying to say. You look back at history and you see politicians divert those peoples’ anger toward immigrants and minorities and it usually works pretty well. I mean hell, just look at Trump. That was basically like half of his entire campaign. But… these people… they have agency. Being poor isn’t an excuse to join the KKK, you know? And what about the working class people of color? They’re even worse off and they’re the ones that have to deal with all the racism. I’m just… tired of hearing about how I should feel sorry for people like my grandfather. I’m afraid I can only have so much sympathy for them.”

“Yeah, I… I don’t think I could’ve explained it better.”

***

The two teens, being as hungry as they were, finished all of the pancakes they had made. This amounted to them eating eight pancakes each, easily filling up their stomachs.

Elise groaned. “I think I may have eaten too much.”

“Me too.”

They both sat on a recliner together, cuddling and looking out the window, admiring the summer view.

“There anything else you want to do today?” Devin asked.

“I’d like to read more of that story of yours.”

Devin’s face quickly turned pale. “Umm… you mean ‘For a Girl’?”

“Yeah, of course. It may not be ‘your’ story but you know what I mean.”

Devin gulped, his face remaining its pale color.

“Something wrong?” Elise asked.

Devin wasn’t sure what to say. After the long talk on the couch and the cooking session he had completely forgotten about the next chapter of “For a Girl”. The chapter where the creepy, perverted principal strips Stephanie half naked, forces her on his lap, and spanks her with a paddle while not even trying to contain his blatant arousal.

What was he supposed to say? He didn’t want to let Elise down as she was probably looking forward to reading the story with him. But he was still afraid of what her reaction would be at the chapter. Would she hate him and think he was gross? Would she break up with him and never see him again?

Devin rubbed his face with his hands and took a deep breath. “No”, he ordered himself. He already went over this. He was not going to think the worst of his girlfriend. She was a good person. He had already promised himself that he would expect the best of her, and it was time to make good on that promise. He needed to calm down, stop imagining insane scenarios in his head and just explain it to her. Who knows, maybe this wasn’t even that big of a deal anyway, and Devin was just insanely overreacting.

And besides, she already knows the story exists. She can very easily read it on her own and find out that way. So it was better to rip the band-aid off now.

“Seriously Devin, what’s wrong.”

Devin closed his eyes and prepared himself for what he was about to say. “Listen, Elise, there’s something I need to tell you about that story.”

“Okay?”

“Remember when I said that story was problematic and hasn’t aged well in a lot of ways?”

“Yeah?”

“Well… the next chapter is about Stephanie getting stripped down half naked by the principal, and then getting spanked by him in what is supposed to be an erotic scene. The rest of the story goes on as if this was not sexual assault.” Devin blurted out the words quickly, but they were still understandable.

There was silence among the two for a while. Elise undoubtedly needed time to process what was just said to her.

“Are you serious?” She asked.

“Completely.”

“Damn. I… don’t know what to say. I just- wow. I absolutely need to see this.”

Devin, puzzled and not quite expecting that reaction, simply asked “why?”

“Because I seriously can not believe the author would actually put that into the story. I need to see if it’s real.”

“But Elise…” Devin said desperately. “It’s gross. It’s sexist. Wouldn’t it just show that all TG fiction is gross? That I’m… gross?”

“What? Why would I think you’re gross?”

“Because… you know, what’s in the chapter.”

Elise groaned. “Oh god Devin do you have to turn everything into a crisis? Of course I’m not going to think you’re gross. You didn’t even write the damn story. Hell, I asked you about it, not the other way around. And if what you’re saying is true, well, then yes, it would be sexist and gross, but one tasteless scene in one story is not going to make me write off all… ‘TG fiction’ or whatever as bad and gross. Listen, when I was in my tweens I read so many fucked up fanfictions with disgusting and offensive shit. Whatever this is, I’m pretty sure I can handle it.”

“So… you’re not mad at me?”

Elise took Devin’s hand. “Of course not, and you need to stop worrying so much over nothing. Just relax, okay?”

Devin sank back into the recliner as he felt a large weight lifted off his shoulders. To his relief he had just been overreacting again. “Thank you.” He told Elise.

“No problem. So, you want to go up to your room and read that next chapter?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

Devin and Elise got up from the recliner and stretched themselves out. As they did, a thought occurred to Devin. It was such a nice day out. Why waste it being inside reading the story on a computer?

“Do you want to read it outside on my phone?” Devin asked.

“Sure.”

Devin and Elise felt the cool summer breeze blow through them as they both sat on a bench swing, reading “For a Girl” on Devin’s phone. The bench swing itself was covered by a few trees in a shady area, a blessing for them, as they were approaching the time of year when the sun could get exceptionally brutal.

The reading session was going fine so far. Devin even let out a light chuckle at the part where Stephanie vividly recalls having a female orgasm in a classroom, only to find out she’s actually starting to have one in real time. However, that couldn’t be for long. Devin knew what was about to come, and it was going to be difficult, not to mention uncomfortable, to read.

Elise, on the other hand, was more curious than anything else. She was mostly wondering if the author had actually done what Devin had said they did. It seemed so bizarre and gross that she couldn’t believe it. But at the same time, it wouldn’t have made much sense for Devin to lie about it, considering he would have nothing to gain.

She didn’t know why she was so eager to read on to see what would happen. If Devin was telling the truth, it would be a pretty gross and tasteless use of sexual assualt in a scene. But the prospect of reading and finding out for herself still very much allured her, much in the same way that a car accident allured people.

Awful things just seemed to attract attention.

***

“Holy shit.” Elise said as the spanking scene concluded. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Yeah, that was basically my reaction when I first read this.” Devin replied. “Just… very shocked and grossed out. It was very uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. Quite a few reviewers thought the same thing.”

“I can see why. What the hell was that? Why did the author think it was a good idea to put that in there?”

“I really don’t know. I guess maybe they wanted to appeal to the crowd at the time? A lot of those old Fictionmania stories had really weird, gross scenes like this.” Devin paused for a split second. “Actually, on second thought, I’m not sure if that’s true. I read some of the reviews from 2003, and there were quite a few people who thought this scene was bad even back then.”

Elise shook her head. “I just don’t know what the author was trying to get across here.”

“Well, as someone who has read this story multiple times, I don’t know either.”

***

Devin and Elise continued reading through the seventh chapter, making some comments and general banter along the way. Once they were finished with it, Elise stood up from the bench swing and stretched herself out.

“Jeez, I think I need to take a break after that one.”

“Yeah… I think I do too. Shit, what time is it, again?” Devin checked his phone. “1:08. You sure you don’t have anywhere special to be today?”

“No, unless my parents spring something up on me again.”

Devin snickered. “Yeah, really sucks when parents do that, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does.”

Devin nodded his head before looking around his backyard, and then at the road connecting to his house.

“Have you ever seen my neighborhood?”

“No.”

“Would you like to?”

Elise smiled. “Of course.”

***

The walk wasn’t very long. Devin’s neighborhood was fairly small, and in an isolated area off of the main road. There wasn’t much to see or do. Still, it had some nice views and was worth the time.

Well, at least mostly.

“God fucking dammit.” Devin muttered as a neighbor’s dog began barking.

Elise giggled. “You really hate dogs that much?”

“Yes, I do. Everytime I just want to take a walk around to clear my head, that dog comes in and ruins it with its barking. Now everyone knows we’re here.”

“Oh come on, dogs are cute. Just look at the one barking at us. You really can’t say it’s cute?”

Devin turned his head to look at the dog. “Sure, it’s cute. But it’s also annoying, and dirty, and loud.”

“I can’t believe you. So tense and serious. You need to wind down more often.”

“Is that so?” Devin grinned. “Well maybe you could give me a back massage if I need to wind down.”

“Hey.” Elise playfully hit Devin on the back. “Not in public. Thought you just said you didn’t like attracting attention.”

“Not here obviously. Back in the house. I’m not that clueless.” He responded.

Shortly after Devin said that, the phrase “I’m not that clueless” continued to run through his mind. Specifically the word “clueless”. For some reason Devin suspected that something was wrong, and that he was doing something very reckless and stupid.

It was then that Devin stopped dead in his tracks. Elise, taking notice of this, stopped as well.

“What?” She asked.

“I’m not wearing my sweatshirt.” Devin said the words quickly and bluntly.

In his mind, Devin was screaming at himself. How could he be so clueless? How could he have forgotten to put his sweatshirt on? What was wrong with him? And this was just a neighborhood walk, what if he had forgotten to put a sweatshirt on at a restaurant, or a mall, or a movie theater, or anywhere in public? What would he do then? Just stand there as people stared at his breasts? He was hopeless. Absolutely hopeless.

Meanwhile Elise was more puzzled, and a bit concerned. She looked down and confirmed that he was indeed not wearing a sweatshirt. She actually found it weird that she hadn’t noticed, and also found it weird that she was already getting used to seeing Devin with visible breasts and a showing bra strap.

A part of Elise was a bit astounded at Devin’s lack of self awareness. He did realize that he didn’t look like a guy, right? The shaved legs, the pixie cut, the soft face, and obviously the breasts were a pretty big giveaway. As long as he didn’t talk, most people would look at him and just see a girl. Did he really not realize that?

“Hey.” Elise said softly. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“No. No, it’s not okay.” Devin said. “Look at me!”

Devin felt like he was about to hyperventilate. Never again would he make a mistake like this, ever. He had to be more careful. He didn’t just forget to put his sweatshirt on, he didn’t even realize he had forgotten until midway through the walk. He needed to keep himself in check, or else Sierra would be revealed to everyone before even the week was over.

Elise grabbed Devin’s hand. “Devin, please, calm down.” She then pulled out her phone and opened its camera. “Devin, look at yourself.”

Devin turned his head to face Elise’s phone. “Umm, you’re not going to take a picture, are you?” He asked nervously.

“No. LOOK.”

Devin looked at the phone for a few seconds, trying to figure out what Elise was wanting him to see.

“I- I don’t get it.” He said after a while. “What am I looking at?”

“Yourself! Devin, I don’t know how else to say this. You don’t look like a guy anymore.”

Devin, still on edge, was about to shoot back and say that he definitely looked like a guy. But he didn’t. His mouth was kept shut.

This obviously wasn’t the first time he had thought about what other people would see him as, and the part of his mind that insisted that he truly did look like a girl was still very prevalent and loud within him. But it was the first time he had heard someone else directly tell him he didn’t look like a guy.

“It’s Elise. Of course she’d say that to me. She’s my girlfriend and she wants to be nice.” His mind argued. “But look at yourself. Can you really say that most people would see you as a guy right now?”

“Do you think you look like a guy?” Elise asked.

Try as he may, Devin couldn’t answer that question. He didn’t know what he thought. His mind went on debates with itself far too many times for that to be the case. The best he could give was an incredibly vague answer.

“I know what I look like.”

Elise sighed. “I’d really like it if you actually answered the question.”

“Does everything have to be a big interrogation scene?”

“No. Come on, just please tell me. Do you think you look like a guy?”

Devin stood there silent, still unable to answer the question.

“Devin-”

“I DON’T KNOW!” Devin shot back. “I don’t know! My mind keeps telling me I look like a guy but it also keeps telling me I look like a girl! I- I just… it’s so frustrating! It’s driving me insane! What am I supposed to do!? What am I supposed to believe!?”

“Devin, calm down. I don’t want you to have a panic attack. Deep breaths… please.” Elise pleaded with him.

Hearing Elise’s desperation, Devin closed his eyes and breathed in and out, deeply. Slowly but surely, all the tension seemed to evaporate off of him, and it was actually rather soothing. When he opened his eyes, he felt calm again.

“You know, with all your worrying, you want to know something you didn’t realize?” Elise asked. “The world didn’t end, no one noticed anything, and in the grand scheme of things, none of this really mattered.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I don’t want you to be sorry. Look, these past few months I’ve been worried so much about you. I don’t want to have to be worried. I want you to be okay. I want you to be better. Not for me, for yourself. I see you and there’s so much tension there. I want you to relax, and just live for a bit, okay?”

“Yeah, I understand.”

“That’s why I love Sierra so much.” Elise said. “She’s not so tense. She’s just happy, and enjoying life. She doesn’t need to ask if she looks like a girl, because she knows she is one.”

Devin swallowed and nodded his head. “Okay.”

“Can Sierra be here more often?”

Devin hesitated and took a deep breath. “I’ll think about it.”

“Please do. I’d love it if she could.”

“Yeah… yeah, okay.” Devin said quietly.

The inherent beauty in a nice summer day is really quite amazing. How the light breeze and the bright blue sky come together to create such a calming and alluring effect. It’s as if the entire world is at peace, and taking you with it.

That peace is exactly what Devin and Elise felt once they returned to the bench swing. The tension from Devin realizing he had forgotten his sweatshirt had all but disappeared. It’s funny really, so quickly it was like he was never even upset about it. As if it was completely wiped from history.

Devin wondered why he even cared so much about that in the first place. Why would he need to wear a sweatshirt? It was only a short walk. And it’s not as if his breasts were really that noticeable under his T-shirt anyway. It’s such an innocuous thing to get worked up on.

“There I go again”, he thought, “making mountains out of molehills”.

***

“So, I take it the spanking scene is never mentioned again?” Elise asked.

“Basically.” Devin answered. “Though to be fair, it is mentioned one other time later on when Stephanie is in the same room with a news reporter. She sees the principal and briefly wants to recreate the scene. And then later on again in the last chapter where she says the experience was some kind of ‘sexual awakening’ for her.”

Elise huffed. “I swear this story never gets boring.”

***

The eighth chapter of “For a Girl” was a lot easier to read than the seventh. It was insane how much one creepy scene could bring an entire chapter down. Well, it wasn’t really that insane, but Devin liked to think it was.

This was also the chapter where the “courthouse drama” subplot began. Essentially, one of the opposing team’s runners takes legal action against Stephanie, prohibiting her from competing in the girl’s mile. Then a significant portion of time in the next three chapters is spent portraying a court case that is supposed to decide if Stephanie should be allowed to compete in the girl’s race.

The main question was if Stephanie had some sort of biological advantage that would make her participation in the race unfair. And already real world parallels with trans athletes could be drawn. Except… not really. The story does seem to try to connect its fictional court case to the real world controversies involving trans athletes, but aside from a few brief mentions of transphobia and the Renee Richards controversy it doesn’t really do much from that angle. The story could’ve simply not mentioned the trans angle at all and nothing would have changed.

It just seemed like a useless endeavor. “For a Girl” is a fictional story about a fake nanobot plague that turns teenage boys into girls. Any relation to trans athletes in the real world is very minimal. Perhaps a stronger connection does exist but it’s something the story doesn’t touch upon.

Devin had heard some people online say that the story appropriates the real struggles of trans athletes without really acknowledging that trans people even exist, and it wasn’t like he could argue with that.

***

“Smooth one, Hal.” Devin said. “Just say that Stephanie’s hotter than the other team’s girl. That’ll really convince them.”

“Come on Devin, be fair.” Elise said back. “It does sound like something a 17 year old boy would say.”

Devin nodded. “It probably does.”

***

Shortly after the admittedly over the top confrontation scene, the following scene had Stephanie sat down on the bleachers crying, thinking her life is over. Since she can’t run at the district track meet, she isn’t going to be able to get any scholarships from colleges, making pursuing a future running career much more difficult. And she hadn’t really considered any backup plan, so to her she’s just going on to college without any real prospects of what she’d want to do in life.

To Devin, it was a really good scene, and he could definitely relate to it. He had lost count of how many times in the past he had gone into a depressive manic episode thinking his life was over because one thing went wrong. Obviously never on the same level as Stephanie in the story, but the general idea was still the same.

The scene didn’t last very long as it’s revealed pretty quickly that Stephanie still has a chance at the national meet, but it was good while it lasted.

***

“Is Jim Martin an actual person?” Elise asked.

“As far as I can tell, no. I looked it up and the closest thing I found was an attorney from Missouri named James Martin who served in 2004.”

“Honestly I’d probably be more shocked if he was an actual person.”

“Yeah, me too.”

***

“So, this is what kind of conflicts me.” Devin said. “You see, this part right here, where Stephanie and Hal kiss, is written almost exactly like a romance novel, primarily for women, but other parts of the story, like well, the spanking scene, feel like they’re written primarily for men.”

“I don’t know, if you ask me, this whole story is written for women.”

“How?”

Elise looked at Devin like he was stupid. “Because it’s WRITTEN. Men don’t really like written pornography. They like visual stuff.”

Devin just stared at Elise. He had never quite thought of it like that before. But at the same time, could he really confidently say that “For a Girl”, or MtF TG stories in general, were aimed at women?

It was true that a lot of TG stories had a romantic subplot. Hell, as far as Devin could recall, nearly every single TG story he had read included one. It seemed to be a staple of the genre, so ingrained into it that it was almost weird to read a TG story that didn’t have one.

But just having romance in a story doesn’t mean it’s aimed at women. Even if a lot of romance novels seem to be geared toward a female audience, just having a romantic subplot is not enough for a story to be considered “aimed at women”. In fact, what did it even mean for a story to be “aimed at women”? Leaning into that logic just seemed to open oneself up to having a lot of sexist or dated beliefs.

Assuming that one would completely buy into the view that some media is primarily aimed at men and some is primarily aimed at women, where would that put MtF TG stories? If just having romance wasn’t enough of a reason for a story to be aimed at women, then what was?

It was a bit tricky to think about. For instance, a big theme present in many MtF TG stories in some form was the gradual erosion of one’s own manhood. There came a point in the story where the TG’d character accepted their status as a woman. Sometimes it’s the main focus of the story, and other times it’s in the background, but either way it’s there. And it’s a theme that the average woman probably wouldn’t be able to really emotionally connect with.

On the other hand though, a story’s primary target audience could mostly have to do with not the themes, but rather the presentation. Looking at “For a Girl”, a large part of the story focused on how Stephanie adapts to the new life that was forced upon her. For as much as the story fails from a feminist perspective, Devin did have to admit it did a good job of portraying life as a woman as being special in its own unique way. Not a realistic job, but a good job nonetheless. Perhaps the average woman would find that idea appealing, but they also might be turned away by just how ridiculous and unrealistic the story is. Then again, it’s not as if Devin had many reactions or statistics he could use to confidently make that statement.

And hell, speaking of presentation, what of the presentation of the romance? If romance itself is not enough for a story to be considered “aimed at women”, then maybe the presentation of the romance could suffice.

Looking again at “For a Girl”, the romance is presented in such a way that does actually kind of resemble how it would be presented in a typical romance novel. A lot of the descriptions of Hal have to do with how he’s not just physically attractive, but also a “great man” who will treat Stephanie “with the love she deserves”, so to speak. He’s kind, charming, and protective. It’s clear that he genuinely cares about Stephanie both as a lover and as a person.

And it’s not just the descriptions of Hal that follow this kind of presentation, but also the descriptions of how Stephanie feels when she’s around him. The amount of emphasis put on how she feels safe and loved with him only confirmed to Devin his suspicions. The romance in “For a Girl” followed the presentation of a regular romance novel.

So, with all that in mind, Devin could concede that yes, most MtF TG stories had more in common with the kinds of stories that would conventionally be geared more toward women than those geared more toward men. And it’s not just the straight stories, but the lesbian ones too. Scribblehub was filled with plenty of explicitly trans lesbian stories, as well as a lot of isekai and harem. And while the way those stories handled presentation was usually not at all similar to a typical romance novel, they still seemed to be geared more toward a female audience, mainly with how they depict and handle lesbian relationships.

Sure, many would disagree with the statement that MtF TG stories were mainly geared toward women. And maybe some of them had a good reason. Perhaps they just thought that trying to figure out a story’s target audience was a waste of time and that everyone of any demographic had a right to read and enjoy the stories. Or maybe the author truly didn’t have any target demographic in mind when writing the story, and projecting one onto them would be pretentious and rude.

On the other hand, there were probably a lot of people who would dismiss MtF TG stories on the whole for being sexist, but those kinds of people tended to be few and far between. And even for the ones that did exist, they were probably just extremely bigoted in some way, and also hypocritical. After all, “50 Shades of Grey” and “Twilight” both had a mostly female audience and Devin would have been lying if he said those stories didn’t have a ton of problematic and sexist elements.

***

“I don’t think they ever called them ‘slumber parties’.” Elise said.

“The term itself is kind of an oxymoron, honestly. A party is something that’s usually lively, and loud. And it’s juxtaposed with a word that means ‘sleep’.” Devin pointed out.

“Also it just sounds dumb.”

“Yeah, that too.”

***

Devin rubbed his face with his hands and groaned. “Eight chapters down and only six more to go. You want to read the next one?”

“Right now?” Elise asked. “No, not really. I think I’m good for the day.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“How many times have you read that story anyway?”

“Oh, I’ve lost count.” Devin answered. “Sometimes I don’t even really read it, I just skim through it for a day. I don’t know what it is, but there’s just something about that story that makes me want to keep coming back to it.”

“How often do you come back to it?”

“Varies.” Devin responded. “I guess at least three times per year, with only about one of them being a legitimate, full reading.”

“Sounds like a lot.”

“It is. Nobody should be that addicted to one story, not even if it’s the best story ever written.”

“I hear you on that.” Elise agreed.

Devin nodded then looked around him, noticing how the shadows had moved ever so slightly from when they began sitting there.

“What time is it now?”

“Oh, it’s…” Elise checked her phone. “2:26.”

“Wow, that long?”

“Yeah…” Elise answered. “Crazy, huh?”

“You’re telling me.”

Elise gave a light giggle before speaking again. “You know, Devin, I’ve kind of been wondering, where do you keep your pills?”

“You mean the… hormones?”

“Yeah, those pills.”

Devin stood up from the bench swing. “Well… they’re in my room, hidden away. With some other stuff as well. Can I trust that you won’t tell my parents?”

“Yes.” Elise replied. “What reason would I have to tell them, anyway?”

Devin smiled. “Okay then, follow me.”

***

Devin opened up his closet, pulling out the secret safe. “Well, here it is.”

“So… that’s where you keep all your stuff? In that?” Elise pointed at the safe. “It’s pretty small.”

“I mean, I don’t really have a lot to hide.” Devin said.

Devin took the safe and placed it on his bed. “This thing cost me like $90, but it was definitely worth it. It’s an electronic safe, so I don’t have to deal with the hassle of turning a dial every time I have to open it. I, uh, trust I can type in the code in front of you, right?”

“I guess…”

Devin typed in the digital code “2664018”, opening the safe and revealing the contents inside. “You know, I like to think of it as a phone number. 266-4018? Maybe it could be in a song just like… well.” Devin shook his head. “Anyway, this is what’s inside. Just the hormones and a few sports bras.”

Elise reached her hand inside and grabbed one of the sports bras. “Is this really it? Only three sports bras? You do wash these, right?”

“Of course.”

“How? Surely you can’t just put them in the washing machine.”

“No.” Devin replied. “I hand wash them. It takes a lot of time, and I have to be very careful about it, but it works.”

“And you’ve never been caught?”

“Not yet, but… I’ve been getting a lot of close calls lately. Your parents tend to notice when you’re wearing a sweatshirt in 90 degree weather. Honestly, right now… I- I think it’s only a matter of time before I mess up and they find out.”

“What will you do then?”

“I’m not sure… hope for the best, I guess.”

Elise turned her attention back to the sports bra. “What’s your cup size?”

“My… cup size?”

“Yeah.”

“Umm, A-Cup? I think?”

Elise squinted her eyes. “So… you don’t know.”

“Well, I- I, umm.” Devin stammered for a bit before looking down, his cheeks reddening. “No, I don’t know.”

“How did you even get these bras then!?”

“I don’t know, I just kind of bought them.”

Elise sighed. “You’re like a child, you know that? Did you even try to learn how to get measurements?”

“I mean, I looked it up, a- and it just looked so complicated and stuff.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “God, Devin you’re so helpless. Look, if you’re going to have boobs, this is stuff you need to know. Do you know your band size?”

“N- No, I don’t.”

“See, helpless. If you wear a bra that doesn’t fit, it can actually damage your skin. You don’t want that, do you?”

“No.”

“Good, so can you please actually spend some time and learn how to get measurements? I promise you will thank me for it.”

Devin looked back up. “Okay, I will.”

Elise smiled. “Thank you.”

***

“So, what are these hormones, anyway?” Elise asked.

“Well.” Devin went over to grab one of the pill bottles. “This is spironolactone, it has to be taken twice a day. It’s the T-Blocker. Also it makes you have to piss every hour or so. It’s really annoying.” He grabbed the other bottle. “And this is estradiol. It has to be taken once a day. And it’s, well, pretty self-explanatory what it does.”

“I heard you need blood work for that kind of stuff.”

Devin groaned. “I would if I could afford it but these hormones cost enough money already. I have to make some cuts here and there.”

“Okay then… can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“Well, you know, you said in those stories that it’s a common trope for people to ask the TG’d character what being a girl is like, so… what is it like?”

“What is being a girl like?” Devin asked.

“Yes.” Elise said. “Tell me.”

Devin’s face reddened and he rubbed his forehead. “Well, it’s uh, I mean, you should know what being a girl is like so what could I possibly tell you?”

“Being a girl is all I know, dummy! You’ve been going through so many changes recently. Do you have any thoughts on them? Anything you’d like to share?”

“Well… I mean.” Devin started rocking back and forth. “It’s… it’s like… I mean, I’m not a girl, so I don’t know.”

Elise frowned. “That sucks. I really would have liked to know.”

“I’m sorry.”

***

Elise got out her phone and checked the time. She sighed. “It’s past 3. Honestly I should probably get going.”

“Yeah… you were here for a long time. Thank you though. It was really nice.”

Elise walked up to Devin and hugged him. Devin reciprocated, not even bothered by the fact that his breasts were coming into contact with her.

“Same time tomorrow?”

“How the hell do your parents allow this?”

“One of life’s great mysteries I suppose.”

Devin groaned. “Shift tomorrow. Last one I have for the week.”

“When do your parents even come home anyway?”

“Next monday.”

Elise ended the hug, her eyes wide in shock. “You still have the house to yourself for six days!? That’s like ten total days by yourself, not a week! What is up with your parents!?”

Devin shrugged. “Don’t know, guess they really don’t want me around my grandfather.”

“I guess that makes sense. So thursday?”

“Yeah, unless you have any other plans.”

“Hopefully not.”

Devin patted Elise on the back then walked out of his room and to her car, where they embraced each other with a hug and one last kiss.

“Love you.” Devin said.

“Love you too.” Elise replied. “See you around, Sierra.”

Sierra simply smiled as she watched Elise enter her car and drive away, waving to her the whole time.

“Anything new happen with Devin?”

Elise was sitting down on one of the couches in her living room when Amanda sent her that text. She internally groaned once she saw it. As expected, Amanda was going to pester her with more questions about Devin after their chat the previous day.

Annoyed, she simply replied back with “no”.

It wasn’t that Elise didn’t like it when Amanda texted her. Obviously she quite enjoyed the conversations with one of her closest friends. It was just that she didn’t want people prying into her relationship with Devin at a moment like this, when Devin had a huge and highly sensitive secret that both of them didn’t want to get out.

She hoped that her response would be enough to satisfy Amanda, but of course it wasn’t.

“Did you tell him you liked girls?”

Now that question Elise could actually answer and be truthful about. Elise did indeed tell Devin that she liked girls, and that she still liked him… or her. So she could reply with “yes” and technically she wouldn’t be lying about anything.

“Yeah.”

“And how did he take it?”

“He took it pretty well.”

“See? What did I tell you, nothing to worry about.”

Elise actually smiled when she read that last text. Even though there was a ton of information that Amanda didn’t know about, just seeing her say that there was nothing to worry about was reassuring enough. There was nothing to worry about, Elise and Sierra were together, and nothing was going to change that.

Elise did hope though that Amanda would take well to Sierra, when the time came.

***

Elise looked up from her phone as she heard the front door open. Once she saw her parents come inside, she looked back down.

“You’re home rather late. Overtime again?” She asked

“No, not this time. Something worse actually.” Ronald answered.

“What are you… oh yeah, that’s right, the stuff with grandpa. I forgot about that.” Elise replied. “How’d it go?”

“I’d rather you not know about that stuff.” Ronald said.

“Too late. You two talk too loud.”

Ronald smirked. “Guess I can’t argue with that, huh.” He laughed under his breath. “Well, it went about as well as you would expect. That being, not at all.”

“Oh, it was awful!” Julie added. “They wouldn’t listen to anything! They were so beyond ignorant! I don’t know why we even tried to talk to them. It’s all so hopeless!”

“Hey now, don’t be like that honey.” Ronald reassured his wife. “We can always try again.”

“And do what? What could we do? Because what we did today clearly didn’t work.”

“Well… we could… I don’t know, we’ll figure it out later, but I think it’s important to keep going to their house every so often just to check up on them. One thing you don’t want to do is leave them alone. That’s what I’ve been told. We gotta keep trying.”

“What good would that do!?” Julie said back harshly. “Going over there for hostile confrontations every single time. They’d know to get angry each time we came over. That’s not the relationship I want with my parents.”

“I know, honey, I know.” Ronald pat Julie on the back. “Just… everything will be fine, okay?”

“I don’t want your empty words, I want results.”

“Wait.” Elise chimed in. “How bad is it?”

Ronald sighed. “Well, it’s not QUITE as bad as I was afraid of.”

“But it’s SO much worse than I expected.” Julie responded. “The stuff they said… I still can’t believe it came out of my parents. It just keeps going through my head that MY parents said that stuff.”

“What stuff did they say?” Elise asked.

“Well…” Julie started. “I’m sorry sweetie, but it’s not gonna be easy to hear this.”

“I can handle it.”

“Okay then…” Julie sat down as Ronald leaned his head against the wall. “There’s so much to say…”

***

1 Hour Earlier

“Are you ready?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Julie said. “But I’m still not sure it’s entirely necessary to do this.”

“Like I said before, better safe than sorry, right?” Ronald asked.

Julie hesitated before giving a light nod. Ronald smiled, then rang the doorbell to the grandparents’ house.

It took a while, the old married couple was definitely not nearly as quick and mobile as they were in their younger years, but eventually the front door was opened.

“I didn’t know you two were coming over today.” The grandmother said. “Are the kids here too?”

“No, just us.” Julie answered.

“Well then.” The grandmother began walking away from the door, with Julie and Ronald following her inside the house. “We were just finishing up dinner, we have some leftovers if you want.”

“Oh, no thanks.” Julie said as Ronald shut the front door. “We have stuff at home.”

“You sure?” The grandmother sat down. “It’s chicken breast. Mighty good stuff.”

“No, we’re good.”

The grandmother laughed. “Oh come on, my cooking isn’t that bad, is it?” She joked. “You know, your father hasn’t complained about my food in like six months, so I think I’m doing pretty good right now.”

“Haven’t complained out loud!” The grandfather yelled from the kitchen.

“Oh, shut your trap!” The grandmother yelled back. “And come on out here too! We have people here! Don’t hide in the kitchen!”

“Alright, alright. I’m coming.” The grandfather walked into the living room with a cup of beer in his hands. “Want some?” He asked Julie and Ronald.

“Oh no.” Ronald said. “I mean, we’re gonna need to drive later.”

“That never stopped me.” The grandfather laughed as he took a sip.

The grandmother laughed sincerely alongside him, while Julie and Ronald just continued to stare with a blank expression.

“So.” The grandfather started. “What brings you here today?” He took another sip of his beer. “Oh and please sit down, wouldn’t want you two to get uncomfortable.”

Julie and Ronald proceeded to take seats on the large couch, both right next to each other.

“We… well, we wanted to talk.” Julie said.

“Talk about what?” The grandfather asked. “These days everyone wants to talk.”

“We just have a few concerns about you two.” Ronald pointed out. “We want to make sure everything’s okay.”

“Concerns?” The grandfather put down his cup. “What concerns? We’re old, but we’re not so old we have to start wearing diapers again.”

“You might be getting close to that.” The grandmother laughed.

“You know, if I do get there, you’re gonna be the one who has to replace my diaper.”

“To hell with that, I don’t love you that much.”

The grandfather laughed as he picked up his cup again. “Sorry about all that, you know us, can hardly stay focused anymore.” He took another sip. “So spit it out. What concerns are you talking about?”

Ronald and Julie looked at each other for a brief moment, then Julie sighed. “Well…” she started. “It’s not anything to do with your health. It’s just about some of your… recent visits.”

“What’s the problem?” The grandmother asked. “When we come over to your house I’m not the one cooking.”

“Yeah…” Julie responded. “This is serious. We’re talking about the things you two have said.”

“Mainly you have said.” Ronald pointed to the grandfather. “And the things you’ve posted online.”

The grandfather’s face suddenly took on a more sinister look. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Well, it concerns us what you two have been saying.” Julie explained. “The beliefs you’re holding are very harmful.”

“Harmful? How?” The grandfather aggressively asked.

“Well, I mean, for starters, the vaccine stuff-”

“You mean the vaccine that we took? That vaccine?” The grandfather shot back harshly.

Slightly taken back by her father’s interruption, Julie silently nodded. “Yes, that vaccine. You spreading all those anti vaccine lies hurts people, kills them even. Especially at a time like this, with a worldwide pandemic and all.”

“What ‘anti vaccine lies’ have I been spreading?”

“Well for one.” Ronald answered. “That article you linked in that Facebook post of yours didn’t even agree with what you said. If you had actually read it, it would’ve said that the Covid vaccine still saves lives and should be used.”

“Oh, bullshit!” The grandfather yelled. “That vaccine isn’t going to save us all! And the government is trying to force everyone to take it! People should be in charge of their own damn decisions! I thought that’s what this country was about!”

“The majority of covid deaths are unvaccinated. You think the vaccine isn’t helpful? What about the people who work? Are they not entitled to safe and healthy working conditions?” Ronald asked him.

“What about the people who get FIRED from their job because they don’t want to take an experimental vaccine!?” The grandfather yelled. “You know what that’s called? Fascism!”

“Fascism? What are you talking about? Is it fascist when restaurants fire workers who refuse to wash their hands?” Ronald asked him.

“That’s different.” The grandfather replied bluntly. “Washing hands isn’t experimental.”

Ronald laughed for a while and then turned to the grandmother. “You hearing this?” He asked her. “Don’t you ever say anything back to him?”

“Why would I need to?” She responded. “He’s right. And I don’t want to start yelling over nothing.”

“Hey, if she doesn’t want in this, then don’t bring her in.” The grandfather said.

“Okay, fine.” Ronald replied. “So you think vaccine mandates are fascism. And you also think critical race theory is fascism. I really wonder what fascism is in that head of yours.”

“Fascism is what’s ruining this country. You say critical race theory, I hear people teaching kids to hate their race and their country.”

“Father, I really don’t think that’s what critical race theory is.” Julie said. “It’s just supposed to teach kids that racism is a systemic thing, and it affects the law and stuff.”

“Oh yeah, sure.” He responded sarcastically. “That’s exactly why white kids are crying to their parents thinking they’re evil. Also, what about gender identity theory and all that shit? Forcing it on kids. That’s fascism as well.”

“First off, I get out way more than you do and I’ve never even met a transgender person, so I know you sure as hell haven’t either.” Ronald sternly pointed out. “And second, what’s all this about you hating fascism? Do I need to remind you of that facebook post you made about ‘jewish control of banks’? What the hell was that? Literal nazi propaganda!”

“Wait, you posted WHAT!?” Julie asked, surprised.

“It was JUST an article that said that in Germany, there was a Jewish control of the banks. It’s a real statistic, look it up.”

“No. It’s not real. I guarantee whatever statistics you believe are real are false. The second you believe the literal fucking NAZIS you have lost the fucking plot.”

“Father… did you actually…”

“All I did was post what was true.” The grandfather took another sip of his beer. “And I’m not a nazi. I do not like Adolf Hitler.”

“Good for you to clear that up.” Ronald said. “Wouldn’t want to have any misunderstandings here now, would we?”

“Cut it with the smug shit, okay?” The grandfather demanded. “I suppose you want me to talk about QAnon next? You probably do, don’t you? I saw you talk about it on your facebook. Well, rest assured that I don’t believe in that crap, but to say that Trump isn’t trying to fight any kind of cult that the democrats are a part of, especially after they stole the election from him, is fucking stupid.”

“Very interesting.” Ronald responded. “You know, I think we’ve heard enough. We might need to get going. We should’ve left as soon as you started saying the nazi shit.”

“Well then you better get going.” The grandfather said. “And next time bring the kids along. Maybe then you won’t say something stupid.”

“Father…” Julie stared at her father for what seemed like a very long time, to get any indication that he didn’t truly believe the heinous things he had said. But it soon became apparent that what he had said were indeed his true beliefs. She then turned to her mother to see if there was any possibility that she disagreed with him. And sure enough, there was not.

“Come on, Julie, let’s go. I don’t want to keep the kids waiting.” Ronald urged her.

Julie slowly turned around and hesitantly followed her husband out the door, leaving the old married couple alone in their house.

***

“Jesus…” Elise said. “And that’s ‘not so bad’ to you?” She asked her father.

“Well… look, I was kind of expecting them to already be on the QAnon train. And instead they only half agree with it? I don’t know. To me that’s not so bad.”

“The Nazi stuff though? That was pretty bad.” Elise said. “And you really left after only a few minutes? Why didn’t you stay longer? What was the point of even going there if you were going to leave so soon?”

“Listen, it was getting really intense in there. I was not expecting it to get THAT heated.” He argued. “And I didn’t really handle the confrontation very well either… look, the whole thing was just a mess all around.”

“I’ll say.” Elise said with a grunt. “So then… are you going to go back there?”

Ronald hesitated for a bit. “I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

“I sure hope not.” Julie said as she turned toward Ronald. “It was nothing but a big waste of time. I even told you that I tried to talk to them before and it didn’t work. And you said that I just didn't do a good job and that you could do it better. And then when you actually went there, you failed too. You didn’t even really do anything different from me. Like I said, it’s hard. And they won’t listen.”

Ronald shook his head and put his hands up. “Hey look I’m sorry. I didn’t know-”

“Well you do now.” Julie interrupted.

There was a bitter silence in the room for a while. The stress from the confrontation with the grandparents was undoubtedly weighing down on the two parents. Even Elise felt it, and she hadn’t even been there. Needless to say, there was a lot of tension among the three that could not be easily resolved.

Finally, Julie broke the silence. “You know what Ronald, why don’t you go make dinner? If you’re so sure you can do things better than me.”

“Okay.” Ronald sighed.

“And be quick about it! It’s getting late!”

“Fine. I’ll do it!” He yelled back.

Julie smiled while Elise simply rolled her eyes.

***

The dinner that night between the family members was at the very least a nice distraction from the previous events regarding the grandparents. Especially since Emma was there, and she didn’t seem to care about that situation at all.

“A cheerleader?” Julie asked.

“Yes. I REALLY want to be a cheerleader.” Emma stated. “It’d go so well with my boyfriend being a football player.”

“Believe me, we know about that.” Ronald said sarcastically. His comment got a chuckle from Elise.

“Sweetie, being a cheerleader is a big commitment. It takes a lot of work and discipline. And you could get really hurt. I’m not so sure you're ready for something like this.”

“Aww come on, please?” Emma whined. “I really want to do it.”

“The only reason you even want to be a cheerleader at all is because I told you you aren’t one.” Elise pointed out.

Emma drew back, highly offended. “Hey, that’s not true!” She turned to Julie. “Don’t listen to her mom, she’s lying.”

“It’s true.” Elise said with a smile. “She’s so vain, isn’t she?”

“Hey, I do everything because of one person, me!” Emma proclaimed. “No one can tell me what to do!”

“Girls, please calm down.” Julie said as she put her hand on her forehead. “Trust me, I’ve already had to deal with enough yelling today.”

“Sorry.” Elise said to her.

Julie sighed. “Look, Emma, if cheerleading is really something you want to do, then just tell me when the tryouts are and we’ll get you a physical, okay?”

Emma nodded enthusiastically. “Thank you so much mom!” She cheered.

“But you better not get hurt.” Julie told her.

“I won’t, I can handle it. Trust me.” Emma said. She was booming with excitement. “How do you guys think I’ll look in my cheer outfit? Pretty good, right?”

“We’ll see.” Elise said to her. “We will see.”

“Yes you will! I can’t wait for the pictures of me and my boyfriend in our uniforms. We are going to look so good together!”

The rest of the dinner went by rather quickly. Emma was filled with happiness and almost skipped on her way to put her plate in the sink.

That happiness vanished when she was told to wash all the dinner dishes. She was not thrilled. Elise got a laugh out of it though.

***

Elise plopped down onto her bed after another long day. She just wanted to get to sleep as fast as possible. Unfortunately her mind was preoccupied with not just Sierra but also her grandparents.

They couldn’t have actually been that bad, could they? It seemed that they were. They fully believed in literal nazi propaganda, and that was obviously really fucking bad.

How could Elise have missed this before? She had known that her grandparents were bad, but she didn’t know they were this bad. Was she blinded by her love for them? Was she too busy reminiscing on all the times her grandparents had shown her love and took her to incredibly amazing vacations?

Probably.

Furthermore, what if her grandparents met Sierra? Would they be upset? Would they ever love Elise again? Ever even want to see her again? It seemed extreme, but also frighteningly possible.

Elise groaned before picking up her phone. The growing need to tell Devin of her grandparents had overcome her. She didn’t know if he would be up this late, but it was worth a shot.

“Hey, are you up?” She sent.

It wasn’t before long before she received a response. She smiled upon reading it. “Yeah, what’s up?”

“It’s my grandparents, they’re apparently worse than I thought.”

“Oh really? That sucks. How bad are they?”

“Vaguely QAnon I think and also believe nazi propaganda about Jews controlling banks.”

“Oh damn, that’s real bad. Worse than most people at our school even.”

“Yeah can’t argue with that lol. My parents tried to talk to them and they really messed it up. Huge argument and they left midway through.”

“I can definitely see that.”

Elise was about to put her phone down when she got another text.

“Maybe I could try to talk to them?”

Elise stopped for a bit and took in Devin’s words. She was very puzzled at his text. She then finally replied back “Umm, what?” She asked.

“You know… I just kind of thought maybe I could try and talk to them. I don’t know why I just thought it might be worth a try.”

“Devin… if my parents couldn’t do it, then how could you?”

“Well, I don’t know. I just think it could work. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to but maybe you could ask your parents if this would be okay?”

Elise thought about it. Devin wasn’t a very talkative person, but he was surprisingly good at presenting his ideas. He certainly wasn’t the best debater in the world, but he usually could convince people of his views pretty well. Definitely better than her parents could, that was for sure.

“You know what?” She thought to herself. “Fuck it, let’s give him a shot.”

She lifted her phone back up and texted him again. “Okay, I’ll ask them.”

“Really? That’s great. Good night then.”

“Good night.”

Elise stared at the ceiling after she put her phone down. Was this really a good idea? To have Devin try and talk to her grandparents? Would her parents even allow that?

It seemed that Devin knew what he was doing. She should probably trust him, after all he’s done to trust her, giving her his passcode for his secret safe and all. Really, it was the least she could do.

Elise yawned and laid herself down on her bed, fully intent to finally get some sleep. Thinking about all this was exhausting and she believed it could wait until tomorrow. Right now, it was time for her to get some well deserved rest.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Devin once again found himself staring at his reflection in the mirror. He'd been doing that a lot recently. Perhaps it was because he was obsessing over every little bodily change the hormones brought him. Perhaps it was because he was inspecting himself to see if he really looked like a girl. Perhaps it was because he simply liked looking at himself. Devin silently laughed at that last thought, as if.

Or perhaps it was because it was an easy way to force himself to do some mental introspection.

Devin focused intently on the figure in the mirror. If he wanted to be as objective as possible, that figure didn’t really look like a man, which brought a smile to his lips before he immediately shook it off. He didn’t want his desires to be female to blind his judgment. He would need to go out in public to get a true sense of what he looked like, an action that still made him deeply uneasy.

Looking deep into the blue eyes of his reflection, his mind kept repeating that same question, “what the hell do you think you’re doing”, or some variation of it, over and over again.

What the hell did he think he was doing, indeed.

He didn’t know where the suggestion that he could talk to Elise’s grandparents came from, but apparently it was strong enough that he had actually asked Elise if he could do it. What was he getting himself into? He barely knew her grandparents at all, aside from the two visits to their house over the past year. They seemed like nice people, but he wasn’t at all surprised that they had apparently bought into some pretty heinous beliefs. That was the case with most bigots after all, nice on the outside, but rotten to the core on the inside, even if they themselves didn’t believe it.

But what could he possibly say that would convince them their beliefs were wrong? He wasn’t a master class debater. Sure, Elise had told him before that he was pretty good at convincing people of his viewpoints, but she was his girlfriend. She probably felt some kind of obligation to say things like that, just to be nice.

He had managed to fall a few times into political arguments with people at his school, and he seemed to be good at holding his ground, but was only able to convince his opposition of some of his viewpoints a few select times.

Though, to be fair, considering how the average person has probably never convinced anyone of their viewpoints, that may actually be a pretty big accomplishment. It’d definitely look like that to a lot of other people.

Devin breathed deeply as he looked further into his reflection. “Don’t get overconfident” he thought. That was the one thing that he knew for sure would backfire. He had to have reasonable expectations of himself and the conversation. He definitely wouldn’t persuade Elise’s grandparents to abandon all of their beliefs, but he could possibly make them think about them a little more. It wouldn’t be easy, but it was worth a shot. Elise trusted him, at the very least.

Maybe this wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Maybe some good could come out of it.

After all, it was about time he started thinking a little more positively.

***

Devin sat down on his back porch as he gazed out at the nearly pitch black sky. There was no moon to speak of, none that he could see at least, and the stars were all very dim. It was most likely a result of the porch light being switched on.

It felt wrong for him to be out this late. Usually his parents would immediately yell at him to come inside, but with them gone there was no one to stop him but himself.

He probably should go inside though. He had another shift at Sheetz the next day, which meant another day of providing service to some really annoying people.

He groaned as he laid back in his chair, his mind already filling with the unpleasant experiences of working in retail. He didn’t like doing it, but it at least paid the bills for his medication. If he didn’t have it then he’d just be rotting away further in a body that would only grow more foreign to him with each passing day.

Continuing to look into the deep, vast, dark sky, his thoughts were brought back to the deep, vast, dark space within his own mind. There was a lot he was uncertain about in there. Hell, with everything that had happened in the past few days, there was a lot that to be uncertain about. For instance, whether or not it was worth thinking long and hard about free online stories posted on the internet by anonymous authors. Or trying to apply a feminist lens to them. But in spite of all that, there was one thing Devin was certain of, and that was that Sierra was growing stronger.

With each one of Elise’s visits, Devin felt the temptation to fully give into Sierra grow more and more. And especially during the visit that day, when Elise had openly told him that she liked “Sierra” more and wished “she” was around more often. He could have given into Sierra right then and there. He definitely wanted to, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t. It seemed he was his own worst enemy. He was the one blocking himself from embracing Sierra. Embracing the girl that he very clearly wanted to be. And the one he wanted people to see him as.

Every time he felt like giving into Sierra, all the self doubt and self hatred came rushing back to him like a freight train. Those feelings within him that said he was gross, a disgusting pervert, and even an abomination were ever so loud. And they only got reinforced every time he read a transphobic thread or watched a transphobic video on the internet. He didn’t know why he did that, he knew he’d come out upset and feeling like shit. But some part of him kept forcing him to come back. As if he thought he deserved to be eternally miserable. He wanted it all to be over.

In fact, he could just kill himself now and he’d be done dealing with all of that.

In Devin’s right hand was a pocket knife. With a slow, drawn out motion, he opened it and approached his left arm. He usually did this in his room or in front of a mirror, and he wasn’t even sure why he brought the pocket knife outside with him, but he guessed that somewhere in his mind, he wanted to try something different.

Devin would never consider himself a cutter, or someone who self harmed. From his perspective he never really hurt himself, he just gave his arm, or waist, or whatever less vulnerable part of his body he chose that day a few scratches. He never cut deep enough to draw blood. He sometimes wished he could though.

And this time it was his intent.

Slowly the knife drew closer and closer to his arm. It was a bit of a sudden decision, but at this point he didn’t care. He was tired of all the hate and conflict and he wanted it to end.

The temptation to end it all was ever so powerful at this point. Almost as strong as the temptation to give into Sierra. With just a quick, hard flick of his pocketknife through his vein, he could be comforted knowing he’d be dead in a hour or so.

He inched the knife closer and closer, to the point where it almost touched his vein.

Then he turned his arm around and scratched at nothing but skin.

He couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He never expected that he’d actually be able to kill himself. He never had the guts to end his own life. The natural instinct to preserve and protect himself always won out in the end. He never had the willpower to overcome it. And what he had just done wasn’t even really a legitimate suicide attempt. It was nothing more than a brief moment where he simply considered suicide.

After scratching at his arm a few times and forming a few shapes, he withdrew his pocket knife and closed it.

Usually his thought process on this was a bit more drawn out.

Usually it would be one random day where things would go bad. He would get into his mind that this would be it. This would be the day he’d finally kill himself. He assured himself that he wouldn’t live after that day, and that everything would be over.

And then those feelings would fade away when he actually tried to do it.

Eventually he stopped having days like that. He realized he’d never actually be able to kill himself. He didn’t have that kind of commitment.

Plus, there was always one thing that would be sure to instantly stop him dead in his tracks. It made it nearly impossible for him to end his life, no matter what the circumstances were.

In his mind, he’d get an image of his gravestone, with the name “Devin Farrow” plastered on it.

He sighed, lifting himself off his chair as he opened the back door and went back inside his house, leaving the dark, empty night sky to thrive alone on the outside.

He left the pocket knife with it.

It was another frustrating and tedious day at Sheetz. Devin never voiced any of his disdain for his job. If he did then he’d be complaining all day. He assumed all of his coworkers felt the same way. Working in retail was just miserable.

It was apparent that not every one of his coworkers followed his “no speech” line of thinking.

“Listen, my shift starts at 12, so I come in at 12.” Liam stated firmly.

“I wanted you in early.” Morgan said to him.

“You are the manager, not the boss. Do you have that power?” Liam asked her. “I don’t think you do. Hey, remember when I did extra hours and got no extra pay for overtime? The fuck was that?”

“Look, I don’t control your salary. If I did then-”

“Oh, so you can control my hours but not my pay!?” Liam interrupted.

“Just get to work.” Morgan replied angrily.

Devin breathed in deeply. He never really enjoyed listening to the tense confrontations between those two. They tended to have them quite often, but Liam was never fired for it. Devin still had no idea how.

There was a part of Devin that strongly envied Liam’s ability to stand up for himself. It was true that Morgan could be unreasonable with an employee’s work hours, and she often stepped out of line and abused a power she most likely didn’t have to assert that. Liam was not someone who would simply take that. He had a spine. He stood up for himself. Devin never did. Most of the time people just walked all over him.

Liam went to the same high school as Devin, and they were both in the same grade, but even with this job they didn’t know each other very well. They never talked much, and it didn’t look like they were going to start anytime soon. Devin sometimes thought that he should go up and try to converse with him, but his anxiety would never let him. He couldn’t start conversations with people he didn’t feel comfortable with. He wasn’t entirely sure why, he just couldn’t.

He wasn’t even sure what he was afraid of. Some kind of vague concept he couldn’t quite define forced him away from socializing with new people. He was trying to get better, but his brain was convinced that whatever that vague concept was was scary enough to keep him away.

The brain could be a bitch sometimes.

***

It took an eternity, at least it felt like it did, but Devin’s shift finally ended. He headed out to his car and began the short drive home.

While he was driving, a thought came across his mind. He had a license, a job, a car, and he was living in a house by himself. It almost made him feel like an adult. Of course, he was still in high school, and his time alone was a one-off occurrence as his parents would be home the following week, but still, he couldn’t deny how it all made him feel. For the first time in his life, it felt like he was in charge of himself, and was making his own decisions. And the hormones he was taking without his parents’ permission or knowledge definitely helped that feeling.

When Devin pulled into his driveway, he had a smile on his face. One train of thought had led to another. He couldn’t help but imagine himself as a confident, intelligent, independent, and… beautiful adult woman. Someone who defends herself, and doesn’t let people walk over her. Someone who people look up to, and admire. Someone who people can count on.

Yeah, that’s the kind of person she’d grow up to be. No matter how hard Sierra tried, she couldn’t envision herself as being an adult man. It seemed so fundamentally wrong for her to grow up to be a man, not to mention gross. She had to grow up to be a woman, or else there was no adult life she could envision for herself. Unless the mental equivalent of white static counted.

These thoughts continued to mull around in her head as she walked through her front door and plopped down on one of the living room couches. What would she look like, as an adult woman? Would she have short hair like she did now? Or would she grow it out? She remembered always wondering what having long hair would be like, when she was younger. She had to find out eventually.

Sierra’s smile only grew larger as her mind kept showing her different versions of what she could look like as an adult woman. There was something beautiful to her about a boy growing up to be a woman. More specifically a confused, depressed, and awkward boy growing up to be a confident, content, and beautiful woman. It was a process that she could deeply connect with.

Devin quickly shook his head, snapping himself out of what felt like a trance.

He had lost control of himself again. Sierra was becoming easier and easier to fall into. His mind had even begun taunting him, telling him to give in and asking why he was still fighting. His mind kept saying that he would be much happier if he just let go, and let himself be Sierra. To fully give himself into what he desired. After all, there was nothing to be ashamed of, right?

He felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and he wasn’t sure who was Jekyll and who was Hyde.

Devin sighed as he got up from the couch. He was getting hungry. He should make himself some dinner. He had no idea what he was in the mood for, but he was sure he’d find out soon enough.

***

It was time.

Devin was on his computer, and he had “DIY voice training” typed into the search bar.

His hand was actually shaking from nervousness. The sheer idea of starting voice training was enough to unease him. Perhaps it was because, in a way, it felt final. He could hide his hips, his breasts, his thighs, and his body until the end of time, but he couldn’t hide his voice. If his voice started to sound more feminine, it would give everything away. Everyone, including his parents, his friends, and his coworkers, would know exactly what he was doing. There would be no going back.

There was also the fact that voice training was something he needed to work for. With the HRT, all he had to do was take it and wait for the bodily changes to happen. No further work had to be done. Voice training was something he needed to actually do. It didn’t just happen. The extra work and time seriously intimidated Devin, but he had to do it. And he had to start now. If he didn’t he probably never would.

With a click of the enter key he was instantly brought thousands upon thousands of resources. He clicked on the one that looked the most helpful.

***

What a fucking shit show.

Two hours later and Devin was on his bed, feeling like nothing was accomplished. The first exercise essentially amounted to him panting like a dog over and over again. He wasn’t remotely sure if he did it correctly.

Was it even worth it to do this? Would he ever actually sound like a woman? It seemed like such an unattainable goal. Was it his fate to sound like a man his entire life?

He shook his head. No, what was he thinking? Obviously he was never going to achieve any progress on the first day. He had to keep at it for months and months to see some real changes. Was he really abandoning all hope already? What kind of person would he be if he gave up after the first day? Not a strong or a serious one, that was for sure.

Besides, no harm could possibly be done by trying again, right?

Turning his head around in his bed, he made his decision. Tomorrow, he would give it another shot.

It was with quick and uncaring steps that Devin walked into his Journalism class. He had taken the class mainly because most of the other electives were either full, or just looked plain uninteresting. Art? Devin didn’t particularly enjoy drawing and often found it tedious. Creative Writing? He steered clear of that one. He was sure his classmates wouldn’t want to read his gender bending fiction, which seemed to be the only thing he was even partially capable of writing. Culinary? He hated cooking under pressure.

He didn’t really like Journalism, but it at least made for a fairly easy and low effort class.

“Alright.” The teacher said. “Today we will be looking at a political video where an individual presents an idea, and your assignment will be to analyze how they are presenting this idea and where they are getting their information from.”

Devin squinted his eyes. That was such a vague assignment description. How were they supposed to go about this? How were they supposed to explain an explanation? So much for an easy and low effort class.

Once the teacher showed the video on their projector board, Devin realized the assignment was going to be a lot easier than he initially thought.

“So, I’ve been seeing a lot, and I mean a lot of extremely toxic rhetoric on the online left, and it’s really pissing me off.” The political streamer in the video, Vaush, said into his microphone. “What they are saying is woke ethnic cleansing. Decolonization of colonized areas is literally no different from nazism. These guys are just nazis in reverse. If the indigenous people of South Africa decided to rise up and resist their colonization by making the white people leave, that would be identical to the nazis genociding all the jews. It’s insane to me how these people can’t see this. And look, here they are literally justifying calling white people colonizers as a slur. What the hell?”

Devin raised his eyebrow. Was this really what passed for political analysis these days? This man was a goddamn idiot who clearly had no idea what he was talking about. Did he actually think “colonizer” was a slur? He should at least do some baseline research on complicated topics such as decolonization before speaking on them in a livestream.

All of a sudden, the teacher’s phone rang.

“Hello?” The teacher asked.

“Oh my…” they eventually responded.

“Okay, I’ll make sure to tell them. Thank you, bye.” They put the phone down.

“Alright, class.” The teacher said. Their voice was full of concern, as if something serious had happened. “I just received some important news regarding a student in this class.”

Devin leaned forward, fully at attention.

“I’m sure you’ve all heard of that new virus going around.” The teacher continued. “You know, the one that turns men into women. And I just want to inform you that Ryan has caught it. He’ll be arriving to class very shortly.”

Devin’s eyes were wide with disbelief.

“Now, I do not want anyone in this room to make him feel uncomfortable. And I will be taking action if I hear anything, does everyone understand?”

The class nodded their heads.

The teacher returned to their computer while the class turned their attention back to the video.

Devin was completely still, unable to move or react to anything around him. His eyes were staring unfocused toward the floor.

Ryan was a girl now?

It was so hard to believe. Devin had never heard of any incredible sex changing virus, and he checked the news everyday. He used twitter everyday. There was no way he wouldn’t have heard of this. Something that big would be all over the world news. How was this the first time he had heard of it?

Devin looked around. No one else in the room seemed to be even remotely fazed by this information. It was as if this was completely normal to them. How could that be? Even if they all lived in a world where a sex changing virus existed, wouldn’t they at least be a little shocked to hear one of their fellow students had caught it? Was Devin really the only person who was surprised?

And why did he feel so upset about it?

Devin’s state of shock was finally put to an end when the classroom door opened. When Devin laid his eyes upon the person who was at the door, he nearly fainted. It may have been a girl he had never seen before, but that didn’t stop him from instantly recognizing her.

“Welcome, Ryan.” The teacher said.

“Umm, it’s Diana now.” The girl replied in an unmistakably female voice.

“My mistake. I’ll be sure to fix that in my roster. Please, take a seat.”

The girl, Diana, smiled then went to sit down next to Devin.

“Hey…” she said awkwardly to him. “I know I look a little different now, but I was hoping we could still be, you know… friends…”

Devin couldn’t have responded even if he wanted to. He just sat there, mouth wide open, staring at this girl’s face and studying every detail. She still had the same brown eyes and black hair that she’d always had, but everything else… Devin couldn’t even begin to comprehend it. She bore some resemblance to Ryan, the boy she used to be, but appearance wise she was undeniably a different person.

And she was beautiful. Devin didn’t know if girls actually liked being beautiful, but if they did, they would definitely be jealous of her.

Diana snapped her fingers in front of Devin’s face. “Hey, I know I’m a girl now, and it’s a little weird, but it’s not like THAT weird, is it?”

Devin shook his head. “I’m sorry. I just…”

“No, it’s okay. I understand this is a little shocking for everyone.” She commiserated. “At least you were staring at my face and not my chest. You won’t believe how often that happens. And to think I used to do that. Ugh.”

Devin slowly and silently nodded his head. His face still displayed complete bewilderment.

“Wow, you are making this a lot more awkward than it needs to be.” Diana said. “It’s still me, Devin. I just look a little different.”

“You’re shorter than before…”

“Yeah, but not that much. The doctor said I only shrank three inches.”

“But… where did the extra matter go?”

“Out my ass, literally. I was shitting so much.”

“How does body mass and bone get converted to shit!? That doesn’t make any sense!”

“It’s weird but it’s not like earth-shattering or anything.” Diana remarked. “I mean, it does kind of suck being shorter but it is what it is, you know?”

Devin didn’t respond. He found it impossible to.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Diana asked. “I mean, I’m the one who changed sex and you’re the one acting like you’re going insane.”

“Oh… um, yeah, I’m fine. I think…”

“I hope so. Because I’d like my first day as a girl to be somewhat comfortable.”

Devin silently nodded as Diana finally turned her attention away from him. He slowly did the same.

The initial shock was fading, but Devin still found it hard to put words together. What was wrong with him? Ryan… Diana… had just gone through a hugely traumatic event. Her entire body had changed against her will. And the best support he could offer was complete silence and half-formed sentences. He could at least try to make her feel comfortable.

And that wasn’t even all.

As soon as he had heard about Ryan’s condition, Devin felt upset. He wasn’t sure how or why, but something about seeing Ryan as a girl was causing a deep feeling to burn inside him. About what he had no idea. But it was something big. And it was growing stronger.

Once the bell rang to signal the next class, Devin walked out of the classroom only becoming more upset with each passing second.

***

After hours of boring and tedious classes, Devin made it to lunch. He walked into the cafeteria, took a seat down at his table, and waited.

The school cafeteria wasn’t a very big one, or a very prestigious one. Cheap looking tables, dirty floors, and of course, gross food were unfortunately all common features of the experience of eating in a high school cafeteria.

Though in Devin’s case, he rarely ever actually ate in the cafeteria.

He packed a lunch when he had the time, and sometimes he would eat it. But some days he just didn’t feel like it, saying it looked too unappetizing. And he certainly never ate any of the food the school provided. He’d sooner die.

On the many days he didn’t eat, Elise would usually lecture him and say that skipping meals was bad, but he never listened. As far as he was concerned, he ate when he wanted to.

And he didn’t want to eat today.

Scratching his head, Devin struggled to contain his emotions. That feeling of being upset had grown into anger over the past few hours. Every time he thought of Diana, he got angry. Not necessarily angry at her, but angry about her. And he also got angry at himself for getting angry about her.

It was a very immature and selfish reaction, considering how hard this situation had to be on Diana. After all, imagine changing sex and all your friend can do is get angry about it without offering any support. What an asshole that friend would be.

Devin turned to his side and caught a glimpse of Elise walking towards him and his table, and alongside her, Diana. It appeared Elise wasn’t fazed by Diana’s existence, that or she had already gotten over it. Either way, it was clear that Elise had no problems being with Diana. In fact, it seemed that she quite liked being with her. They were both chatting and smiling and laughing, and they just generally seemed happy to be together.

Looking at them, Devin felt an odd sense of longing combined with the already present anger. He wished to partake in the types of conversations the two girls were having, but it was as if the universe was telling him that he couldn’t. He was male, and they were female. There would always be some form of disconnect between them all, making a connection of intimacy on that level simply impossible. Even if he was in a romantic relationship with Elise, it couldn’t happen.

His feelings may have seemed overdramatic, and perhaps they were, but that didn’t detract from how strongly they had a hold of his mind.

For some reason, he found himself thinking of a certain scene in “For a Girl”. Specifically the scene in the fifth chapter where Stephanie sees Hal for the first time as a girl, and is then taken away by Becky and Sue for “girl talk”. Hal is described as having “a look of wistfulness on his face” as Stephanie had “gained access to a private club he could never join”.

Was that scene realistic? Probably not, it seemed too exaggerated. But that wasn’t the point. In the story, even though it’s never confirmed, it’s most likely not necessarily that Hal wanted access to that “private club”, but that he was upset after seeing his old best friend drift away from him. At that point, Jack could be considered “dead”, at least in a metaphorical sense, and that scene was Hal being shown how the relationship between them could never be the same.

But in Devin's case, it was very different.

He didn’t care about how Ryan being a girl could affect their relationship as friends. He never even considered it. Instead, his feelings of longing could only be described as feelings of true longing. He wanted to take part in the conversations those girls were having, as a girl himself. There was no mistaking it, nor was there any other source to those feelings.

Was he jealous of Diana?

Was that what this was all about? Jealousy? Was he angry because he was jealous? No, that couldn’t have been right. What would he even be jealous about?

Was he jealous that Diana got to become a girl and he didn’t?

Devin wanted to laugh at that thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to. His mind was stopping him.

Did he really want to be a girl?

He couldn’t have actually wanted to become a girl, right? That wouldn’t have made any sense. At the same time though, why would he want to talk to girls, as a girl? Why would he want to have an experience like that?

Devin put his hand to his head. This was getting ridiculous. This whole thing was Diana’s problem. She was the one who went through a forced sex change. This was not his problem. And he shouldn’t have been making it his problem. No, he was not a selfish or self-centered person, and he needed to stop acting like one.

“Look, there he goes again with that face.” Diana said when she got to the table, interrupting Devin’s contemplations. “I swear he’s more shocked that I’m a girl than I am.”

“Devin.” Elise snapped her fingers. “You good? You’re staring again.”

Devin took a deep, uneasy breath. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“I doubt it.” Diana said bluntly. “You should look at yourself some time. You’re so tense. What’s wrong? You know I’m not contagious right? They wouldn’t let me in school if I was.”

Hearing the phrase, “I’m not contagious”, sent a wave of hopelessness and defeat all throughout Devin’s body. It was as if the one minor chance he had, the one last small hope within him, had gone away permanently. It was over, and there was nothing he could do.

Incredible, so this was where he was now. Upset that a sex changing virus couldn’t be passed to him. And not even considering all the people who could be hurt by it if it was contagious. What on earth was wrong with him, couldn’t he just be normal?

“And there it is again.” Diana said unenthused. “I think you oughta take him to the nurse’s office or something. Because he’s clearly not okay.”

“I’m sitting right here!” Devin exclaimed. “I’m not an object. I have my own thoughts, you know.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I’d hate to see what goes on in there.”

“Look at this, you two are still fighting like children.” Elise remarked. “Some things never change.”

Diana groaned and rolled her eyes before walking off into the ever growing lunch line.

Elise turned toward Devin. “Not eating today?”

Devin shook his head.

“Figures.” She replied. “You know, Diana being a girl now isn’t that weird.”

Devin sighed. “I didn’t even know about this virus until today.”

“I’m not sure how you didn’t hear about it, but whatever.” Elise said. “I guess it might be a little weird for you. But I promise you everything will be okay. Ryan… Diana is just shaped a little differently now. She’s still the same person. In a few days it’ll all be just like normal.”

“Yeah, yeah I know.” Devin said.

Elise put her arms around Devin’s neck. “I love you, alright?”

“I love you too.” Devin said.

Elise gave Devin a kiss on his cheek then walked away to the lunch line. Devin’s face went red with blush, then he smiled and put his hand to his cheek. He occasionally got teased for having what many called a very feminine reaction to being kissed, and truthfully he sometimes cursed himself for it as well. “Why feel ashamed?” A part of his mind asked.

Devin looked down toward the ground, himself silent but his mind as loud as ever.

***

By the time Elise and Diana returned to the table, a few others had come along as well, and they all had their extremely gross looking food with them.

“Holy shit.” Amanda said as she took her first look at Diana. “I thought everyone was bullshitting, but no, you’re really a girl.”

“I know, I’m still having a hard time believing it myself.” Diana said back. “Though I’m having a better time coping with it than SOME people.” She glanced toward Devin, whose face flashed with guilt.

Elise rolled her eyes while Amanda got confused.

“Wait, what’s going on?” Amanda asked.

“Not much, really. Just that Devin’s been acting extra weird about me being a girl.”

“I wasn’t trying to be weird about it!” Devin defended himself. “I- I’m just having a bad day, that’s all.”

“Right…” Diana responded. “You’re having a bad day? Imagine how I feel. Everyone’s been staring at me. I can’t catch a break.”

“I’m sorry.” Devin said to her.

“Sure you are.” Diana said sarcastically.

There was a tense silence between the two for a bit. Wanting to break the tension, Amanda let out a forced cough.

“So… how did you choose your name?”

“Oh, that was pretty simple.” Diana said after a bit of hesitation. “I took my old name and tried to find the female version of it. The first thing I thought of was Riana, but that sounds too similar to the singer Rihanna, so I changed it to Diana.”

“Cool.” Amanda replied. “For the record, I think it’s a great name.”

“Thanks, my mom said the same thing.”

“Is your family taking this change well?” Elise asked.

“Mostly.” Diana answered. “My dad’s having a hard time coming around to it, but other than that, everything’s good.”

“That’s nice.” Elise said. “I can imagine your dad is probably upset about losing a son and all.”

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe how pissed he was when I first got diagnosed.” Diana said. “He was more pissed than I was, somehow.”

“Did he break anything?” Amanda asked.

“An old table. My mom’s making him pay it off. It was an expensive table too, so he’s been working overtime a lot lately.” Diana explained. “And now he’s pissed about that. We hear him cuss up a storm in his study all the time.”

The three girls giggled to themselves while Devin just sat there, completely silent. He did not say another word in that lunch period, keeping to himself until the bell rang. He didn’t speak to anyone, and in return, no one spoke to him.

He didn’t care that he was being selfish or a dick anymore. All he could care about was the anger and tension boiling inside of him. Just the thought of Diana was enough to send him over the edge. And seeing her happy and content with herself certainly didn’t help.

When the bell rang, and he lost sight of Diana, that anger and tension didn’t go away.

***

Devin walked down the hallway and toward the boys’ locker room. He had one last class for the day, and it was easily his least favorite.

P.E., the bane of every non athletic kid’s existence. An incredibly uncomfortable experience for everyone involved, and a place for the sports coaches to yell at a bunch of students they clearly didn’t care about. He could only be thankful that he didn’t have the class first period. He wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy.

As Devin entered the boys’ locker room and was greeted by the usual noise and odor, he quickly resigned himself to a corner, away from most of the other students. It’s not that he hated them, locker rooms just always made him extremely uncomfortable. He hated it when other people saw him shirtless and he wished to conceal himself as much as possible.

When Devin finished changing, he went out into the gymnasium, and he immediately saw exactly why he was dreading this class so much. While he never looked forward to P.E., today in particular was especially bad. Looking forward to the bleachers, he saw her. Right there, sitting down, was Diana.

He hadn’t seen Diana since lunch, but that didn’t stop her from invading his thoughts at every second. A part of him wanted to go up to her and apologize. Apologize for the way he had been acting that day and possibly rekindle their friendship. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. The mere thought of Diana still made him extremely angry. And Devin knew who he was. He wouldn’t have near enough self control to make amends.

Besides, it didn’t look like any of that bothered Diana anymore. Hell, it didn’t look like she was bothered by anything anymore. Instead, Devin saw her talking amongst the other girls like she had always been one of them. The guys were even borderline flirting with her, and she didn’t seem to mind. It was so laughably cliché that if someone wrote it in a TG story they’d get flack for being dull and unoriginal.

The coaches called all the students to the center of the gym and told them they’d be playing dodgeball that period. Devin snickered. Dodgeball was the usual go to when the coaches didn’t have any other ideas. Not that Devin cared much. At least today they hadn’t brought along some military recruiter to make them do watered down boot camp exercises. All while ending it off with some speech about how great American imperialism was and why it was totally amazing and honorable to blow up kids in the middle east and die fighting for some oil company. The depths of US propaganda really knew no bounds.

Two random students were assigned team captain and they each went around choosing other students one by one to be on their team. Just as he was expecting, Devin ended up on a different team than Diana. He didn’t know if that made him happy or upset.

When the game started, Devin went to the back of the court and stayed there the whole game. He never made any moves. It was easy to do, because none of his teammates seemed to notice he was there. It was as if he didn’t even exist.

Devin spent most of the game staring at Diana. Creepy? Yes, but it was clear that at this point he had abandoned good moral values.

In spite of the game going on, Diana was out and about talking with some of what looked like her newly acquired friends. When she got hit by a dodgeball, she laughed it off while one of the guys unnecessarily escorted her to the sidelines. Most girls would find what that guy did to be insulting and demeaning, but not Diana apparently. She held onto that sickly sweet smile. It was so cheesy it could make someone throw up.

Above all though, Diana looked so happy, so content. How could that even be possible? Looking at her, one would never suspect that she used to be a guy. It was only her first week as a girl and she was already completely accepting of her female body and everyone around was throwing support and friendship at her, treating her like she had always been a girl.

It made Devin’s blood boil.

Eventually, the dodgeball game came to an end. The coaches didn’t even announce which team won, they just sent everyone off to the locker rooms. Not like Devin cared, of course. He just wanted to get out of that building as soon as possible.

When he was done changing, he practically sprinted out of the locker room.

***

As soon as the school day ended, Devin went straight for his car and pushed aside everyone who stood in the way. He felt bad for doing so, but it was necessary as he had extremely important matters to attend to.

He didn’t drive home. Rather, he drove quickly down to the doctor’s office. At first he wasn’t sure why, but eventually the answer came to him. He wanted to know if he had the virus, and he was desperate for any way to find out. Was he setting himself up for disappointment? Probably, but his mind wasn’t exactly being logical at the moment.

As he was driving he couldn’t help but think, why was he so drawn to gender bending stuff anyway? Sure, everyone has their weird interests, but for Devin this was practically an obsession. Was it personal? It couldn’t have possibly been personal, right?

As much as he tried to deny it, every single time he had found some random gender bending comic or story on the internet, he had hyper fixated on it. Put himself in the shoes of the main character and imagined that he was them. He read all those stories and comics like he wanted to go through what the main character was going through.

Did he?

It would make sense if he did, considering how jealous he was of Di-

No.

None of this was right. Absolutely none of it. He wasn’t jealous of Diana. He didn’t want to become a girl. He was just getting really angry when thinking about her because… well, he wasn’t sure why but he’d figure it out.

Devin pulled into the doctor’s office, went inside, told the people at the desk what he was there for, and then sat down in the waiting room.

Devin looked around and huffed. Some waiting room, the TV wasn’t even on.

***

It felt like an eternity, but eventually a doctor came through the door of the waiting room. “Devin Farrow?” They called.

Devin stood up from his chair and followed the doctor through the hallways of the building. He went through all the usual procedures first, mainly getting his height and weight checked. And he was pleased to know that in those areas, he was in good condition. One less thing to worry about.

The doctor led Devin into a room and had him sit down on a bed while checking his ears, heartbeat, and blood pressure. It all ended with the same results: in good condition. By all accounts Devin was a very healthy boy. Really, he shouldn’t have even been in the doctor’s office at all. His unwell mental state was just insistent on forcing him there.

“So, why are you here today?” The doctor asked.

“Uh…” Devin hesitated. He hadn’t exactly thought through what he was going to say. It took him a while to find the right words. “Uh, I think I might have that new virus.”

“I wouldn’t really call COVID new, but we can-”

“No, not COVID.” Devin interrupted. “The other one…”

“…what other one?”

“You know…” Devin started. “The one that… turns men into women.”

“Oh! You mean Sexual Transmorphism.” The doctor answered.

“Y-yeah, that’s the one. I- I think I might have it.” Devin said.

“Well, do you have any symptoms?”

“I- uh…” Devin’s voice trailed off. He had no idea what the symptoms for this virus were, and there was no way he would be able to pull his phone out to look them up without the doctor knowing what he was doing. He internally cursed at himself. Why didn’t he look the symptoms up? He was such an idiot.

He tried to concentrate through his nervousness. What would the symptoms of a virus like this be?

“Umm… I’ve been feeling kind of sick lately. And I- I…” Devin recalled what Diana told him about losing body mass. “I’ve been pooping a lot. And… I think my genitals are shrinking.”

“Oh dear, that is quite troubling.” The doctor said, seemingly believing Devin’s lies. “Well, what we can do is run a blood test. Don’t worry, we’ll only need one vial, and we can get the results easy and quick. If you want to be sure, then it won’t take much to do this.”

Devin groaned. Did it have to be a blood test? At least this one seemed quick and convenient, but still, he hated blood tests. They always stressed him out. He was absolutely not in the mood to do one today.

But still, he had to know if he had the virus, and he didn't seem to have any other options.

Devin sighed. “Okay.”

“Great!” The doctor replied. “Wait here while I get the supplies. I promise you it won’t be long.”

Devin leaned back in his chair as the doctor left the room. He really hoped he wouldn’t pass out this time. It’s not like he wanted to pass out, he tried not to, but sometimes it just happened. He always felt really ashamed when he did pass out, it made him feel unbearably weak and he didn’t like causing the doctors any extra trouble.

“C’mon Devin.” He thought to himself. “You can do this. Just one vial and it’s done.”

Devin continued to think encouraging thoughts to himself until the doctor came back with the vial.

When the needle approached Devin’s skin, he closed his eyes and did his best to tune out the world around him.

***

It was a success. He did it! He managed to get blood drawn without passing out. He never even felt queasy. In fact, he nearly didn’t feel anything at all. What an incredible feat!

Devin giggled. Calling it a feat was definitely going too far. It was, in reality, a very mundane thing to be proud of, but Devin couldn’t help himself. How could he not be proud? Compared to his previous embarrassing blood drawing session, this was a major accomplishment.

The doctor had left the room a few minutes before, and they were supposedly running the blood through lab tests. They said the tests wouldn’t take long, and that they’d probably be back in about a half hour or so. It seemed like an impossibly fast time to get blood test results, but Devin wasn’t complaining. The sooner he could get this over with the better.

Devin shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he waited. Eventually the seconds turned to minutes, and the minutes turned to hours. At least it felt that way with how nervous and tense he was. Devin rubbed his face with his hands. What was he so nervous about? He chose to come to this doctor’s office by himself. No one else made that choice for him. And it was highly unlikely that they were going to find some insane deadly disease in his blood. Why didn’t he feel calm? There shouldn’t have been anything to worry about.

And yet there was.

Did he want to have this virus?

He had certainly spent a lot of time thinking about how he was possibly leading himself to disappointment by coming here, but he wasn’t ready to face the reason why he’d be feeling disappointment.

He wanted to know if he had the virus, but what results did he want to get?

There was no way he could justify this one. Frantically running to the doctor’s office to see if he had a sex changing virus after seeing one of his friends get hit by it and becoming angry and jealous.

And yeah, there was no use in denying that anymore. He was jealous of Diana. Very, very jealous.

Jealous because he wanted to be a-

The door swung open, with the doctor coming inside the room.

“Sorry it took so long, but we got a bit more information than we thought we would. Trust me, it’s not bad. It’s quite good, in fact.”

Curious, Devin leaned forward in his chair.

“As it turns out, your DNA has a very strong resilience to the kind of virus Sexual Transmorphism is.” The doctor paused for a bit. “In other words, you’re immune!”

What?

“Yeah, you won’t ever have to worry about turning into a girl. Your body won’t allow it. Pretty good, huh?”

Devin sat there, completely speechless.

“Now, I can get you some medicine for some of your other symptoms if you want…”

The doctor’s voice trailed off once they saw Devin stand up and walk out of the room, without saying a thing.

“Hey, where are you going? We’re not done here yet!”

Devin ignored any of the calls for him to come back. He simply walked out of the building, got into his car, and began driving home.

***

Devin did not utter a single sound during the drive home. His mind was almost entirely blank, with not one thought coming through. At that moment, for all intents and purposes, he was a robot who could only think of his driving and the road.

By the time Devin had reached his house, the full moon was shining ominously in the night sky. It gave off a very foreboding atmosphere that he could sense in every inch of his skin.

Devin pulled into his driveway, exited his car, and entered his house. All while still completely silent, nothing coming from his mouth nor his mind. He went and sat down on a couch in the living room and stared at the floor.

While looking at the bland, boring floor tiles, his mind slowly started filling with thoughts again. And when that happened, he started laughing. Loudly.

Really, really loudly.

He laughed on and on. The laughing was so loud it almost echoed through the walls of the house. He had no idea how long he laughed for. It didn’t feel like it happened for any conceivable length of time. He just laughed, and that was it.

And really, why shouldn’t he have laughed? This was all quite funny.

Just that day, he had learned that some insane sex changing virus existed. One that he had somehow never heard of until his teacher talked about it after a phone call. Then he found out one of his closest friends had caught that virus and became a girl. Then he started acting really weird and dickish toward that friend as a fiery inferno of rage and jealousy burned within him.

And then he went to the doctor, desperate to see if he had that virus. And he finds out that not only did he not have it, but he’s in fact immune to it! He can never catch it! What a knee slapper! It was so funny it couldn’t have even been ruined in an SNL skit.

Hell, he could give comedians some new material. He could just imagine the awakened spirit of George Carlin telling that story as part of one of his routines.

Devin’s laughter died down once he was physically incapable of laughing anymore. Soon enough, he was sitting down on the couch, silent again. Except this time his mind wasn’t silent. No, it was very, very loud.

All the different thoughts and feelings being shot around Devin’s mind at a million miles an hour could be summed in one phrase.

It should have been him.

He was the one who read through all the TG stories and comics. The one who looked at all the TG art. If any boy were to turn into a girl, it should have been him. He deserved it, it was his right.

Instead, Diana was the one who was blessed with the transformation. Why? Did she think about becoming a girl every day? Was it a fantasy she was constantly obsessed with? What did she know of desiring something so much it made you sick? Did she even know what Devin had gone through?

Devin went through his mind and saw Diana, laughing and talking among her friends. Even if she was in a new and unfamiliar form, she still thrived as a person. She was happy, content, and free. She was not restricted by her body, rather, she was able to let her body be her own. The beautiful feeling of being at peace with yourself was all hers.

It was a feeling Devin could never have.

Devin covered his face with both his hands, but his sobbing failed to be contained.

***

The basement was cold, dark, and full of random antique items scattered about everywhere. The storage room in particular was extremely crowded, lined with a bunch of containers holding supplies that rarely, if ever, went out and got used.

For Devin, it was just the right place.

What he was about to do was something that should have been done a long time ago. He had contemplated and even planned it in the past, but he never went through with it. This time would be different though, he was sure of it.

Holding a knife in his hand, Devin took his pants and underwear and slowly slid them down to his feet. He shivered when he felt the cold breeze on his crotch.

He scarcely put much thought into his suicide methods, but when he did, the answer became very clear and obvious. He would not die with that thing attached to him.

There were many words he could use to describe having a male body: tiring, stressful, painful, disgusting, uncomfortable, agonizing, torturous, and difficult. But the word he thought was the best, was work.

Being in a male body was constant, never ending work. Work no one wanted to do, but had to be done. His very existence felt like work. Awful, awful work.

Devin pulled out his phone and looked at himself through the camera. When he did, he was assured this was his only option. He had long since memorized all the details about his face that he despised so deeply. His rough, leathery skin; his harshly sloped jaw; his large nose; his insistent facial hair; and his giant head. When he looked further down at his body, he was reminded of the rest of his disgusting self. His wide rib cage; his large mannish hands and feet; his flat chest; and his long, thick, black body hair spread out all over him. He wanted to shave it off, but what was the point? Every time he tried, it grew back within a day. Might as well not even bother, shaving wouldn’t hide how gross his body was.

He was stuck with all of this, for the rest of his life. There would never be any escape or relief.

There truly was only one option.

Devin nearly smiled. Just a few hours earlier he was nervous to get blood drawn, and now look what he was about to do. He had made so much progress in so little time. He was so proud of himself. He could definitely handle bleeding from his crotch. After all, women dealt with that every month, there wasn’t any reason why he couldn’t handle it for an hour.

In a swift move, Devin took his knife and went to slice off his genitals.

He cut them clean off the first try.

Immediately afterward he collapsed onto the ground and began groaning. Blood was quickly spilling out from his crotch and his skin was turning pale. His breathing was growing labored and it felt like all his organs were on the verge of collapse. There was no doubt about it, he was dying. Cutting off his genitals was going to kill him.

As Devin’s vision started to blur and blacken, he was really only left with one question. Was it worth it? Was killing himself worth it? Was living as a man his whole life really so bad that he would rather die than even give it an attempt?

Was it worth having a gravestone with “Devin Farrow” listed as the name?

To him, the answer was unequivocally yes.

People were always going to see him as a man anyway. It didn’t matter if he died today or in fifty years. They'd still see him as a man, forever and for always. If that was the case, then he might as well get his death over with now. There was no point in continuing such a miserable and agonizing life.

If reincarnation was real, then maybe he'd have another chance. A chance to live a true life. A life that actually felt like his.

Devin was motionless as his body was shutting down. His blood continuing to leave his crotch, his organs further breaking down, his life fading away. His body was a machine continuing to malfunction until it couldn't work anymore.

And then it all stopped.

Devin should've been dead, but by some miracle he wasn't. In fact, he no longer felt like he was dying at all. He didn’t even feel any pain. It had all gone away. His entire life had flashed before his eyes before coming back to him at a moment’s notice.

Devin stood up. He looked around and was greeted with nothing but walls and floor. All the cabinets, furniture, and portraits were gone just like his feelings of death. Not even the blood stains remained. It had all vanished without a trace, leaving behind an empty room.

Devin began walking around, trying to see if anything was left. He searched the entire house, but nothing turned up.

While walking, Devin tripped on a untied shoelace and began falling face first toward the ground. He closed his eyes and braced for impact.

It never came.

Devin felt the ground beneath him disappear. He opened his eyes to find he was in free fall.

Looking upwards, Devin saw his house getting further and further away. Surrounding him was nothing more than an endless black void. All together, it looked like it could have been an out of bounds area in a video game.

The impossibility of it all failed to even slightly faze him. Somehow, he had fallen through the floor. It was like he glitched out of reality. Considering what he was seeing right now, that may very well have been the case.

Nothing changed as Devin continued to fall. Just the same blackness that went on forever. Was this what death was like? Just an eternity of falling? And why was he falling? Was he going to hell?

Maybe he was already in hell and this was what it was like. Just never ending falling. It’d certainly fulfill the purpose of eternal torture.

Turning his head downward, Devin saw a faint light in the distance. At first he thought he was imagining it but as he saw it grow larger and brighter, he was assured that it was real. And he was falling toward it.

As it got closer, Devin saw that the light could better be described as just being solid white. And it was bright. Very bright. So bright in fact that he had to close his eyes.

Pretty soon, he was enveloped in an endless void of white. At least he assumed, he couldn’t open his eyes to check. He’d probably go blind.

In an action that defied physics, Devin felt his body fall faster and faster. Speeds at which he was sure the human body wasn’t physically capable of. At this point, all he wanted was for the falling to end. He was pleading for it, begging for it. There was nothing in the world he wanted more than for it to stop.

Then the falling finally did stop. He landed on something.

Opening his eyes, he saw himself laying down on his bed. To his side he was greeted with the familiar sound of “Losing My Religion” playing on his phone.

He felt groggy, as if he had just woken up. Well, now that reality was coming back to him, he had just woken up. And he was nothing but thankful for it.

Most of Devin’s dreams were absurd nonsense. Meaningless junk that was quickly forgotten. But there were a few that were different. A few that were special. A few that hit him deep and crushed his soul.

He was sure he’d be remembering the dream he just had for a long time.

Usually the dreams that would tease him about wanting to be a girl were more sparse and spread out. But he had just had two of the most intense nightmares he ever had within just a few days of each other. Very cruel and sadistic nightmares he could still vividly recall. Did it mean anything? Should he tell someone else about this? Would he be having more nightmares like this in the future?

Would they stop if he embraced Sierra?

Shaking his head, Devin reached his hand over to his phone and turned off his alarm. He then felt a strong need to check Ryan’s instagram page, just to make sure he still wasn’t dreaming. He searched it up and clicked on Ryan’s profile. His latest post was a picture of him and his friends camping that same morning, and he was as male as ever. Devin sighed in relief. Diana was nothing more than a creation by his own mind. An imaginary person that never existed.

How did his mind do that?

Somehow, Devin’s mind had created an entirely new person. It was quite a stunning thing to think about, even if Diana’s appearance was heavily based on Ryan. Devin could still see Diana’s image when he closed his eyes.

Why should she be left forgotten?

It was likely that over time, Diana would fade from his memory, but he wanted to remember her. His brain had conjured up an entire person by itself, and he wanted that accomplishment to stay.

He hadn’t drawn anything in a long time, but it was never a wrong time to start up again.

Opening the sketchpad app on his computer, he began drawing.

It took hours of deep concentration for Devin to finally finish the drawing. In the end, he was quite satisfied with what he came up with. He briefly considered showing the drawing to the TF discord he was in, but he decided against it. This was a picture he thought he should keep to himself.

Devin frowned as he took a deep look at the picture of Diana. The nightmare he just had was still fresh in his head, and he couldn’t help but feel ashamed of the way he had acted in it. Intellectually, he knew that he could hardly be held accountable for the actions he took in his dreams, but still, he was such an ass. He made another person’s traumatic experience his problem and acted like a dick around them. Very rarely did he think about their pain. Even if said person wasn’t real, he was a selfish prick.

Is that how he would act in real life? He hoped not. He was sure he wasn’t that bad of a person. And that dream was filled with errors and nonsense anyway. As the Inception quote went, “dreams feel real when we’re in them, it’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange”.

Sighing, Devin saved the image to his hard drive, and took his phone out to check his text messages. Elise was going to be coming over today, and it seemed she would arrive around noon. There was also another text of hers that caught his eye.

“I talked to them and they agreed to let you speak with my grandparents. You’ll be going over on Saturday.”

With everything else going on, Devin forgot about his request to talk with Elise’s grandparents. A part of him had wished her parents would have said “no” to it. Unfortunately, he was now stuck with this. At least he had two days to rehearse what he would say.

“Saturday”, Devin thought to himself. It was currently Thursday, and he had four more days until his parents came home. They would inevitably put an end to the daily visits Elise and him were having. That, he was not looking forward to at all.

Better enjoy it while it lasts.

***

As Elise walked to her front door, she checked her purse. She was planning to bring Devin a gift she thought he might like, and she wanted to make sure it was still there.

“Going to Devin’s house again?”

Elise turned her head from the door, annoyed at the sound of her little sister’s voice. “Yes.”

Emma crossed her arms. “You’ve been going there a lot, what’s going on? What are you doing there?”

Elise groaned. “Have you ever noticed that I never pry into your relationship? Because I have.”

“Just curious…” Emma said defensively. “Want to make sure you’re not getting pregnant over there.”

“Oh, you’re SO funny.” Elise said sarcastically. She was about to open the front door and leave when Emma spoke up again.

“His parents aren’t home, are they?”

Elise stood frozen, not answering.

“I knew it! I’m telling Mom. No one should be spending that much time at their boyfriend’s house.”

“Do not tell them.” Elise demanded sternly.

“Why? What’s in it for me?”

Elise racked her head. “If you don’t tell them, then I’ll… uh… I’ll give you twenty dollars.”

“Hmm… fine, but give it here now.” Emma held out her hand.

Elise sighed angrily as she took out her wallet and handed over the money.

“You’re so lucky Mom and Dad are clueless.” Emma said before walking away.

Elise got a laugh out of that.

***

“I guess I found another cliché.” Devin thought as he found himself staring into the mirror again.

It was almost as if mirrors had a grip on Devin’s soul. So many times in the past few days he had stared into them and contemplated his mental state. Perhaps he was also admiring himself a bit too. Half of him really liked seeing the cute short haired girl in his reflection. But the other half was still deeply ashamed of her.

Should he give in? It seemed Elise wanted him to. And a part of his mind really wanted him to as well. Sierra was the part of him that was happier, after all. It could only be good to embrace her…

Devin shook his head. No, he wouldn’t give in. He couldn’t give in. It intimidated him. It scared him. But it also excited him. It enticed him.

Conflicted, Devin walked away, leaving the mirror, but only temporarily. He was sure he’d be back later that day.

***

The moment Devin heard the doorbell ring, he sprinted. He opened the front door and immediately went to hug Elise.

“Looks like someone’s happy to see me.” Elise smiled.

“I’m always happy to see you.” Devin said before giving her a kiss on the cheek.

Elise gently pushed Devin’s head back. “Alright, let’s take it easy now.”

Devin giggled. “I’m sorry.” He said.

Devin looked down and noticed Elise was holding something.

“You brought your purse?” He asked. “You’re only going to be here for a couple hours.”

“Yeah, well, I brought something a little special today.”

“You did?” Devin asked her.

“Yeah, and my pants don’t have pockets.” Elise shrugged. “You’re gonna learn that struggle pretty soon. Women’s pants just don’t have pockets. It’s like a sick joke by the fashion designers.”

“Oh.”

“Anyway, the thing I brought, it’s for you.”

“Really?” Devin asked, surprised. “You’re… giving me something? You really didn’t have to…”

“Well, you’re getting this whether you like it or not.” Elise stated. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

***

Sitting on the couch, Elise rummaged through her purse. “I hope it didn’t get lost in the car.”

“What is it?”

“You’ll see. Just be patient.”

Devin waited another few seconds before Elise pulled something out with both her hands. She was holding a silver necklace, with a heart shaped pendant on the bottom.

“I thought you might like this.” She said.

“A necklace?”

“Yep.” Elise nodded her head. “What do you think?”

“It’s uh-” Devin’s voice trailed off. Elise had gotten him a necklace? Looking at it, it was very clearly a feminine necklace, one definitely meant for a woman. The female half of Devin’s mind was incredibly excited by it, but the stubborn male half wanted it as far away as possible.

“Well, don’t be shy. Take it.”

Devin reached out his shaking hand to take the necklace. Why was he so afraid? It was a damn necklace! He couldn’t have actually been scared of a necklace, right?

“What’s wrong?” Elise asked.

“I- I-” Devin was unable to answer.

Elise turned her head at Devin’s conflicting emotional state. She then decided to go about this in a different way. “Hold on.” She said while putting the necklace down.

Elise moved a chair in front of the body length mirror in the living room and had Devin sit down on it.

“Hold still.” She said.

Devin obliged and from there, Elise slowly pulled up the necklace and placed it down firmly around his neck. He almost shivered once he felt the chains touch his skin.

“So, what do you think?” Elise put her hands on Devin’s shoulders.

Devin stared into the mirror, seeing the reflections before him. Together, the two could definitely make a great lesbian couple, at least in theory. The reflection of Elise showed a beautiful girl with long brown hair and deep brown eyes. The conventional looking girl. And then there was the reflection of himself, showing a more tomboyish girl with a pixie cut styling her brownish blonde hair, along with icy blue eyes.

Devin focused on himself. The silver necklace didn’t look out of place on him. In fact, it actually fit his appearance quite well.

“It looks really nice.” Sierra said, for the first time not caring about her voice.

“I think so too.” Elise agreed.

Under the tree, Sierra laid down on the grass, relishing the shade and the fresh summer air. Her breasts were blatantly visible through her T-shirt, one of her bra straps was exposed, and she was wearing a silver necklace with a heart shaped pendant at the bottom. But she couldn’t be bothered to care about any of that.

At that moment, she felt alive. More alive than she had been in a long time. No one, not even herself, could ruin it.

Sierra looked over beside her, catching the sight of Elise smiling back. She then felt her hand being given a squeeze, as if Elise was reassuring her that everything was going to be okay. Not like she needed that. Everything was far, far better than okay, and Sierra knew it with her whole body.

***

Sierra pulled her phone out. The conversations between her and Elise had once again managed to fall on “For a Girl” by O2bxx. It was a reminder that they still had a few more chapters left to read.

“Where were we again?” Elise asked.

“Chapter nine, Stephanie was just about to go to a pool party.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right.” Elise responded. “That reminds me. We could have a pool party of our own one of these days.”

“What about COVID?”

“Cases aren’t very high right now.” Elise shrugged. “And we’re all vaccinated, anyway.”

“Who would you bring?”

“Just a few friends.”

“Oh…” Sierra replied with a nervous expression.

“What’s wrong?”

“I- umm… I don’t know how I can explain… this…” Sierra gestured down at her body.

Elise’s eyes went wide with realization. “Oh… right. I can see how some people might be a little surprised to see you with… boobs.”

“What should I do?”

“Well, I mean… maybe you could come out before then?”

“Like, come out as trans?”

“Yeah, come out as trans. I’m sure everyone would understand.”

Sierra quickly shook her head. “No, I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

Sierra attempted to reply but found she was unable to. What could she possibly say back to that? Had Elise really just told her to come out? Was it really that simple?

Coming out as trans seemed like such an insane and terrifying thing to do. What could be gained from it? It would quite literally destroy everything. A lifetime of clueless therapists, unsupportive parents, and social ostracization could all very well be right at Sierra’s doorstep. And for what, a pool party?

Needless to say, it would not be worth it.

Besides, one had to actually be trans in order to “come out as trans”, so it wasn’t something that Sierra should even be concerned about.

“Are you going to say why?” Elise asked.

Struggling to form a coherent sentence, Sierra opted to keep it simple. “I… can’t, no.”

“Well, maybe you should put some thought into it.”

Sierra looked into Elise’s eyes, taking in her caring and confident face. If she thought this would be good for her, then it probably was worth looking into, at least a little bit.

Sierra took a deep breath. “Okay, I will.”

***

Reading the ninth chapter of “For a Girl” was able to get Sierra’s mind off the slightly heavy conversation she just had. The internal debates of whether she would come out as trans or if she was even trans at all were silenced by her just relaxing and enjoying the story.

There was a particular part she was enjoying this time, too. Sierra wasn’t someone who got emotional from reading, but even she couldn’t help but smile at the way that Stephanie and Hal’s romantic relationship was portrayed. Yes, it was fueled by forced het, but aside from that, she really liked it.

From Sierra’s perspective, TG stories had a bit of an advantage when it came to the usage of the very common “Friends to Lovers” trope. Most of the time, “Friends to Lovers” consisted of someone falling in love with one of their opposite sex friends, which Sierra found incredibly boring to read about on its own. Being straight was already the societal norm, so there was nothing inherently interesting about it. There was no risk or tension involved, and thus no satisfaction or thrill.

But take the main character, give them a gender transformation, and as Elise said, “it spices things up a bit”.

Sierra remembered someone online saying “Friends to Lovers only works when it’s queer”, and she couldn’t agree more. While a lot of TG stories, including “For a Girl”, aren’t explicitly queer they can still definitely be viewed that way. A man turning into a woman against his will and then falling in love with her male best friend will probably not be seen as a purely cishet relationship by most people.

And that’s what made it so fun to read about.

A “Friends to Lovers” plotline in the average TG story already has more layers to it right off the bat. Looking at “For a Girl”, there were questions of whether or not Stephanie could accept the new sexuality forced upon her, give up her male pride, and embrace loving a man. Plus, she had to deal with some entirely new social dynamics with her friends before the romance was a factor. Even if she conceded that it was extremely heteronormative, Sierra loved reading it.

Obviously, not every TG story does “Friends to Lovers” in this way, even if it is the most common. Some feature an explicitly trans character, some feature a lesbian relationship, and some feature an FtM transformation. It was important to remember that, as the world of gender bending fiction was very diverse.

***

Elise snickered once they got to the scene where Stephanie finds out her mother packed her baby doll pajamas.

“She took that real well. If my mom did that to me, I’d be pissed.”

“I always interpreted that scene as her mother punishing her for being seventeen and not packing for herself.”

“Well, not much of a punishment if she likes it.” Elise pointed out.

“True.” Sierra replied. “I’m kind of curious though, what do baby doll pajamas actually feel like?”

“Don’t know, I’ve never worn them.”

***

“God, her name is Karen?” Elise said. “If this story was posted today she’d definitely be named something else.”

“Yeah, that’s probably the worst aged thing about this story aside from the Bruce Jenner mention.”

***

“I’m sorry.” Sierra said. “But when I read this part the only thing I can think of is that one meme that goes ‘hey queen I saw your tweet about how men are trash’, you know that one?”

“Um, no, I don’t.”

“Oh…”

Elise turned back toward Sierra’s phone. “I don’t know… that just doesn’t sound like something a 17 year old would say…”

“How so?” Sierra asked.

“Aren’t you usually the one who’s complaining?”

“I mean… I understand what you mean, I think.” Sierra said. “These characters tend to… not talk like teenagers.”

“Well, it’s mainly here.” Elise pointed at the screen. “Look at what she’s saying, a very direct explanation about how Stephanie enjoying being a girl means she’s ‘treating femininity with respect’ and that it ‘reflects well on them’. I just think it’s weird for a teenage girl to say something like that. It sounds like… something my mother would say.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of weird.” Sierra affirmed. “How many times have I said the characters in this story talk weird? I’ve lost count.”

“A lot. Including just a few seconds ago.”

“Really? God, sometimes I feel like I have dementia.”

***

“I can just imagine the CinemaSins guy saying ‘Sue says she keeps forgetting Stephanie used to be a boy when just a few minutes earlier she gave her a cheerleading outfit specifically because she was a former guy who treated becoming a girl very well’.”

“Do you actually think there’s something wrong with that?”

“No.” Sierra stated. “Believe it or not, humans are not robots. Also semi-hot take, CinemaSins was never funny.”

***

“Look! I found where you got your views on cheerleading from!”

“Hey… I form my own opinions.” Sierra whined, offended. “And I especially don’t get them from free online stories on the internet.”

“I’m just kidding.” Elise giggled.

Sierra crossed her arms and made that pout Elise always found adorable.

“You’re so cute, you know that?”

Sierra smiled. “I think I do.”

***

“Well, it’s about time they got to that.”

“What is it?” Sierra asked

“Stephanie’s first period.” Elise answered. “I’ve been kind of wondering about that. I was really hoping the author didn’t skip it.”

“Oh yeah.” Sierra said. “No, they don’t skip it. In fact, most TG stories I’ve read do focus on menstruation at some point. Except oddly enough, ‘Of Heroes And Villains’. Yeah, I didn’t notice it at first but despite being one of the most popular TG stories out there, ‘Of Heroes And Villains’ never once brings up menstruation. It’s really odd.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what story you’re talking about.”

“It was the second one down on the favorites list.” Sierra said. “I think you’ve seen that page. Don’t you remember?”

“No, I don’t… wait… oh yeah! I do remember one of those stories was called that.”

“Yeah… look, I know you may not be into gender bending stuff, but you should still definitely give that one a read. I think you’d really like it. It has an explicitly trans character, too.”

Elise nodded her head. “You know what? I will.”

***

While finishing up the ninth chapter of “For a Girl”, a thought came to the forefront of Sierra’s mind. It was something about the story that had been bothering her the entire time she had been reading it with Elise, and she was only now realizing it.

These teenagers were too damn horny.

That’s what she thought, at least. Considering how wrong Sierra could be when gauging human behavior, she may have been the weird one here. But this all just seemed too out of hand. The way many scenes in the story were being described, it was as if a full-on orgy could occur at any second.

Was she really the only person who noticed? She didn’t remember many reviewers talking about it. What about Elise? Did she notice? Sierra had to know.

“Hey, do you think these kids are a little too horny?”

“Hmm?”

“I was just asking… do you think these kids are a little too horny? Because I do.” Sierra explained.

“Oh…” Elise said. “I mean, I don’t really think so. Don’t you remember homecoming? A lot of couples there looked like they would start having sex, right on the dancefloor.”

Sierra huffed. “Oh yeah, I remember that. The principal even told everyone ‘no grinding’. Of course, that didn’t stop anything.”

Elise laughed, causing Sierra to smile.

“You know.” Sierra said. “We’re a pretty… uh… shit, I can’t think of a word. ‘Hands-off couple’? Is that a phrase that exists?”

“Jesus Sierra, you can just say we’re a couple that doesn’t have sex.”

Sierra’s mouth went wide open. She was completely speechless.

“What is it?” Elise asked. “Oh, please don’t tell me that hearing me say sex is really that shocking to you.”

“You just called me Sierra…”

Elise got confused. “I mean yeah… it’s not the first time I’ve called you that.”

“No… but it’s the first time you called me it casually. Like… the first time you said it without really thinking.”

“Oh… you’re welcome?”

Instead of replying back, Sierra immediately went to hug Elise. There was a huge amount of enthusiasm bubbling within her, and she could hardly contain it.

As she felt Elise’s arms slowly wrap around her, she almost cried tears of happiness.

It was a rather silly thing to be so joyful about, all things considered. On its own, that little action didn’t mean much. But it represented so much more. Elise was beginning to see her differently. Their relationship was changing.

And Sierra was sure those changes would be for the better.

There was something about Sierra's walk that she was completely oblivious to. It wasn't an immediately noticeable detail, though it couldn't really be described as subtle either.

The months of taking female hormones had widened Sierra's hips, but when she saw herself as Devin, it seemed like that fact put her to shame. Her whole body moved in a very stiff and awkward manner, as if she was restricting herself. To put it bluntly, she walked like she had a pole shoved up her ass.

However, when she saw herself as Sierra, her body moved much more freely. Her hips were free to sway from side to side like a woman’s would. She was less restricted, less ashamed, more comfortable, and more alive. She was more content and at peace with herself, and it was very visually apparent.

Sierra herself may not have noticed it, but her girlfriend did. Elise giggled as she studied Sierra’s lower half.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Elise lied, smiling.

***

By the time Sierra and Elise came back from their walk around the neighborhood, they were back to reading “For a Girl”. The tenth chapter was by far the shortest, aside from the Epilogue, and it mainly revolved around Stephanie getting ready for her court appearance, where she’d have to argue in a trial about why she deserved to run in the girls’ race.

It was also the chapter where the principal spanking scene is mentioned once, and then is never brought up again in any meaningful capacity for the rest of the story until the Epilogue

“That’s it?” Elise asked.

“Basically yeah.”

“So… there’s one scene where Stephanie literally gets molested by an older man, who is also the school principal. And then that scene is never mentioned again except in another scene where she is in the same room with him and wants to recreate the experience?”

“Yep, pretty much.” Sierra answered. “I think I already told you that though.”

“Don’t care. This is so baffling to me you could explain it a hundred times and I still wouldn’t get it.” Elise said. “This man should be in jail. He shouldn’t be anywhere near underage girls, at the least.”

“The only way this makes some sense to me is if that theory about the principal infecting Stephanie with GB is true.” Sierra explained. “And that he somehow also programmed her to be subservient to him. It’s extremely eerie to think about though.”

“Honestly I think the best way to view that scene is to do what the story does most of the time, pretend it didn’t happen.”

***

“Holy shit.” Sierra said. “I never noticed how awful Hal is being here.”

“What do you mean?”

Sierra pointed at the paragraph through the screen. “Read this shit. Hal is literally saying he’s glad this all happened to Stephanie. Happy she got hit with GB because he likes being with her. What an entitled prick. Even tries to preempt it with ‘Don’t take this the wrong way’. It didn’t work, asshole… well I guess it did because Stephanie didn’t care, but whatever my point still stands.”

Elise squinted her eyes for a bit. “Oh, yeah… I see it. That is kind of dickish… I don’t think he was trying to be a dick though.”

“I mean… from this paragraph it’s clear he was only thinking of himself and wasn’t even considering Stephanie’s feelings despite her being the one who, you know, actually went through GB.” Sierra argued. “He’s basically just saying ‘Hey, I know having a forced sex change was super traumatic for you, but I like that it happened because you give me a hard-on’.”

“Now now, I wouldn’t be that harsh. They are dating, aren’t they?”

“To me that just means Hal is kind of a shitty boyfriend.”

Elise laughed. “Look at you, you’re getting worked up over fictional characters.”

“I know, it’s a problem.” Sierra agreed. “Yelling over a fictional piece of media. I feel like one of those deranged internet youtube critics.”

“I mean, you are one of those, aren’t you?”

“Sadly.”

***

There wasn’t any break taken between the tenth and eleventh chapters. Once Sierra and Elise got to the part where Stephanie was being driven to the courthouse, they continued through to her arrival.

“I don’t think ‘girl’ is a verb.” Elise said.

Sierra looked down toward her phone, at the “girliest girl who ever girled” line. “Yeah… it’s a weird sentence.”

***

“Hey look, it’s the characters from the Girl School plotline!” Sierra exclaimed. “The only other time they appear in this story, aside from getting mentioned in the epilogue.”

“Weren’t there four of them?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, the story kind of forgets Beth exists after the third chapter.” Sierra answered. “She’s never mentioned again. It's really strange. I kind of like to think that in universe, someone performed an identity death on Beth and made her a guy again, making it so no one remembered ‘Beth’ even existed.”

“Okay, that’s the second time today you thought of a fanfiction for this story.” Elise pointed out. “You need to calm down.”

“I know.” Sierra said with a sigh. “I promise I don’t have any other weird theories about this story, okay?”

“Don’t trust you.” Elise replied before Sierra gave a knowing laugh. “Also what’s ‘identity death’?”

“It’s this very controversial type of transformation in TF fiction, where someone transforms into something else and loses all of their old memories.” Sierra explained. “They forget all about their old life and gain a new set of memories, essentially changing reality.”

“Damn, that sounds intense.”

“Yeah, it’s no wonder why it’s so controversial.” Sierra responded. “Personally, I don’t think it’s used well most of the time. The concept of identity death is terrifying, but it’s rarely ever treated like the terrifying thing it is. It’s usually forced in at the end and that’s it. Very cheap.”

***

At this point, Sierra felt like a broken record. She had already criticized “For a Girl” for being problematic multiple times, and she didn’t want to keep doing it.

But damn, this story really messed up… again.

The courthouse scene took up most of the eleventh chapter, and it was everything one would expect from a courthouse scene in media. Unrealistic, overdramatic, and very entertaining. At least, Sierra thought it was entertaining. It was all going well.

Until the very end.

The prosecutors in the trial, after not being able to prove Stephanie has a physical advantage, start going for anything that could indicate Stephanie is still male in some way. And it eventually ends with them trying to claim that if Stephanie were attracted to women, she’d still retain some elements of her maleness, so she couldn’t participate in the girls’ race. Stephanie counters this by saying she has a boyfriend, and after that she wins the trial.

Comparisons to real life controversies with trans athletes aside, it was an extremely off-putting scene that absolutely did not need to be there. Sure, one of the characters does state that sexual orientation is not relevant to someone’s athletic ability, but the story still insists on having this be the deciding factor in the trial.

No other way around it, Stephanie’s heterosexuality is used as a justification for her being able to compete with girls.

Were the 2000s really that bad for LGBT representation? Even outside of mainstream media?

Seriously, what the hell?

***

“Okay, I didn’t say this before, but I can’t ignore it anymore. No mother and daughter would be that okay with each other’s nudity.” Elise declared. “At least not in America. I’ve never seen it.”

“To be honest, I never thought this scene was very realistic either.” Sierra said back. “I just couldn’t buy that a teenage girl would skinny dip with someone else, even if it was another girl. They definitely wouldn’t skinny dip with their mother, that’s for sure. Maybe the 2000s were a different time, but I still don’t see it happening.”

“Even then, I doubt that much cultural change could happen in just two decades, especially since this story was written after 9/11.” Elise added. “Maybe my mom could inform me about this. If, for some reason, I feel the need to ask her.”

***

The young couple continued to find themselves in awe of the sheer absurdity of the skinny dipping scene. And for Elise, that was all it was. But for Sierra, reading the scene evoked a much deeper feeling.

The skinny dipping scene actually had a lot of significance in relation to Stephanie’s character development. It marked the moment in the story where she realized she wouldn’t want to be male again, even if given the choice. She comes to appreciate her womanhood to the point where she’d turn down a cure for GB if one were ever found. And for the reader, it was a very satisfying moment. The story had been building up to it for ten chapters, and it made for a fantastic pay off.

There was also one rather interesting quote. There’s a part where Stephanie describes a magazine she flipped through as a young boy, which featured two women in a forest in only underwear, admiring a butterfly. When she saw that image, she got the sense that the two women shared something she, as a boy, couldn’t understand. And in her own words: “I remember feeling jealous of them, of whatever… magic they had and I didn’t”.

This was the only line in the story that implies Stephanie may have been transgender all along, and never realized it. It was normal for a person to think about or wonder what being the opposite sex would be like, from time to time, but to become envious of two women sharing something special that a man couldn’t understand was a feeling Sierra believed most young boys just wouldn’t get.

She got it, though.

She had always gotten it, throughout her entire life. The incredible, overwhelming envy of women. Jealous of them simply because they were women and she was not.

There was a time, when she was very young, where the mere suggestion that boys didn’t want to be girls would completely blow her mind. She could just imagine little Sierra saying “What? All boys want to be girls, that’s a fact! It’s something they think about every day. How could they not? Girls are so much nicer and prettier than boys and their clothes look so fun to wear.” She cringed now, but when she was a little kid, that was exactly what her thoughts were. She never voiced them however. Sometimes she wondered what would have happened if she did. Maybe things would have turned out better. Maybe worse. Who knows?

Nowadays, those thoughts reminded her of a simpler time. Recently, her thoughts about wanting to be a woman were more along the lines of “only a sick, perverted, and entitled man like you would want to be a woman. No one will ever see you as a woman, so you shouldn’t even try. You’ll always resemble a man perpetually getting off to a fetish. You should just kill yourself. Permanently end your existence and all the hatred of yourself and your body will be gone. But make sure you do it by self castration, wouldn’t want to be buried with that thing attached to you.”

She really wanted to kill herself, and in a dream maybe she could. But in real life, she was too afraid of being buried with the name “Devin Farrow” carved into the gravestone. There was a small part of her that hoped one day, she’d be able to get over that fear.

Sometimes her feelings were just too overwhelming and she needed to escape from reality, which she was partially doing right now, with “For a Girl”. And the current skinny dipping scene was hitting her especially hard in both a good and bad way.

When looked upon a bit deeper, the scene seemed to feature some kind of religious symbolism. A mother and a daughter swimming together in a nature environment, with grass, trees, and birds. What specific kind of religious symbolism Sierra couldn’t say, but the overall tone strongly pointed toward something religious.

But beyond any possible references to religion, the scene largely represented one thing: the fact that Stephanie could now give birth.

When Stephanie realizes this, she enters a dream-like trance, becoming extremely happy and content with her status. It was the main factor leading to her discovery that she wouldn’t want to be a man again, if she was given the option.

When Sierra reads this, she enters a dream-like trance of her own, imagining herself as Stephanie. The girl who just realized she could give birth. The girl who loves the feeling that knowing one can give birth exudes. The girl who is at peace with her body.

Sierra put herself in Stephanie’s situation, imagining how amazing it would be if all of that happened to her. And since Stephanie was transformed into a girl against her will, there was no shame attached.

But then once she stopped reading, and came back to reality, it was a miserable feeling.

The truth was that Sierra couldn’t give birth. Pregnancy for trans women was still mostly just a theory. Considering how science had been able to do so many incredible things in the past, Sierra didn’t think it was impossible. But not in her lifetime, and that was if global warming didn’t destroy the world before it could be done.

Reading the story was such a great feeling. To read about someone else getting everything you could possibly want was, for Sierra, too thrilling to quantify.

It was a beautiful daydream, showcasing how amazing the brain could make one feel when in bliss.

And it was a harsh reminder of how hard that all plummets when you go back to reality.

Did it have to be this bad?

***

Sierra had a longing expression on her face as they finished the eleventh chapter. The skinny dipping scene had hit her a lot harder than she initially expected. Ending a reading session of a TG story, it had never been this bad before, even during the previous sessions with Elise. What had changed? Was there something wrong with her? Did she need help?

“Hey, are you okay?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“Well, I am.” Sierra said a bit harshly.

“Uh-huh.” Elise said sarcastically.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong… let’s just go on and read the next chapter, we’re almost finished with this story.”

“I think we oughta call it quits for today if you’re acting like this.”

Sierra rubbed her face. “Alright, whatever.”

Elise inched closer and put her hands on Sierra’s shoulders.

“Doing the massage again?”

“Of course.” Elise said to her. “You’re tense. It’s what you need.”

“No offense, but this isn’t making me feel any better.”

Elise removed her hands and then kissed Sierra’s lips.

“Did that make you feel better?”

Sierra smiled. “Yeah, it did.”

Rule of thumb, never believe a couple when they say “only one kiss”, even if those exact words are not actually spoken. Any situation which calls for a single kiss will most likely result in more.

Case in point, just seconds after Elise kissed Sierra on the lips to make her feel better, the young couple was full on making out on the grassy ground.

It was not nearly as pleasant as the romance movies would lead you to believe.

Elise raised her head from Sierra’s lips. “This is kind of rough.”

Sierra frowned and made a whining noise.

Elise giggled. “Oh don’t worry you hungry little bastard. There will be plenty of kisses… as long as we do it on your couch. This is really uncomfortable.”

Sierra’s face reddened as her pout lips turned to a smile.

***

Sierra and Elise immediately fell onto the couch the second they caught sight of it. They were in each other’s arms, with Elise on top.

Time seemed to stop once they started kissing.

***

After making out inevitably became boring, the two lovers sat up on the living room couch, talking about mostly mundane things.

That all came to an end when Sierra finally mustered up the courage to ask a rather difficult question.

“So… I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while, but… why did your parents agree to let me talk with your grandparents?”

“Hmm? Oh, well… they just didn’t have any other ideas. They know you have some, let’s say, strong opinions about politics and such, so they basically said ‘what the hell’ and agreed, so long as your parents were okay with it.”

“They don’t even have to know.” Sierra chuckled.

“Yeah, can’t argue with that.” Elise grinned.

“What time will I go over?”

“Twelve O’Clock at noon, no sooner, no later.”

Sierra nodded her head. “Okay, I think I can handle that. At least, I hope I can.”

“You’d better, because my grandparents are pretty messed up.”

***

"Did you ever end up getting measurements?"

"Uh…" Sierra stammered

Elise rolled her eyes. "So no, you didn't."

"You just asked me two days ago!"

"Two days is enough time, you can't be putting this off."

"B- but…"

"But what?"

"But I already have bras though." Sierra argued. "Getting those was embarrassing enough."

"Yes, a girl getting her first bra is always embarrassing. At least you didn't have to do it with your mom. Lucky…" Elise said. "I mean, you were a little… older than most girls at that point. I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse.”

"It'd be better, wouldn't it? More mentally prepared?"

"Possibly, but that's not important. What's important is that, if you’re not going to get measurements, you’re gonna go through the fantastic experience of bra shopping WITH another person."

Elise grinned while Sierra gulped.

***

“Do you like John Oliver?” Sierra asked out of the blue.

“What?”

“I saw some people on twitter saying he was bad.” Sierra explained. “They said he doesn’t have a spine and won’t ever actually say ‘capitalism is bad’ so he just tiptoes around it with cringey comedy. Personally though… I think he’s done more good than harm. He’s about as left wing as you can be on American television without getting pulled off the air, and he’s done some pretty good segments if you can get past all the bad jokes.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “I don’t watch him much, but thank you for reminding me of something, you have a big problem.”

Sierra’s cheeks flushed red. “I’m sorry for mansplaining. You can punch me if you want.”

“What? No, you dingus. You spend too much time online, that’s your problem.”

“What do you mean?”

Elise sighed. “Sierra, I will always love you, you know that. You’re every clichéd love line I could possibly think of and more. But you spend way too much time online. It’s affecting how you think. A lot of people think you’re cool, but they also think you’re weird.”

“It’s just a hobby of mine…”

“Yes! And that’s great. It's good to be online. But sometimes you need to… you know, step outside and talk with some real people for a bit. And I don’t think you do that enough. Like, believe it or not, most people aren’t communists.”

“Now, I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a communist.” Sierra said back. “But there’s nothing wrong with being one.”

“Of course not, but you know, sometimes you act like most people want to abolish capitalism when that’s not really true at all.”

“It’s not, but most people do hate capitalism and don’t know it yet.” Sierra responded. “That’s a fact.”

“Maybe it is…” Elise said then shook her head. “But that’s not important, what’s important is you, and needing to spend more time outside.”

“But I- I can’t go outside. Not like this.”

“Why?”

“Because of my… breasts.”

Elise took a long, slow sigh. “I can see how you'd be uncomfortable with that, but you know… some time you’re going to have to stop hiding this. You can’t keep this going forever.”

“There’s nothing stopping me from-”

“No!” Elise shouted. “No, whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it. It’s not true. There are plenty of things stopping you. Your boobs will grow to the point where a sweatshirt can no longer hide them. You’ll get heat stroke. Fuck, look at yourself! You’re so miserable all the time. Everyone can see it! If you could just… let go of being a guy, you’d be so much happier. You know that!”

Sierra stared at Elise silently. No words were spoken for a few long seconds.

“I’m sorry.” Elise muttered. “I shouldn’t be blowing up at-”

She was cut off by Sierra hugging her tightly.

“I’m sorry.” Sierra said, emphasizing the ‘I’.

Elise was right. Sierra knew she was right. She had always known all of what she just said to be true.

Which is why she found it extremely frustrating that she could never act on any of it.

***

The atmosphere between the young couple was awkward for a while.

“So…” Elise said with a forced cough. “About you getting out more…”

“Will we be yelling again?” Sierra asked with a mocking tone.

“No, fingers crossed.” Elise answered. “Anyway, I was thinking, how would you feel about going down to that mall again?”

“You mean the one we went to last week?”

“Yeah, that one.”

Sierra bit her lip in nervousness. “I don’t know…”

“It’ll be tomorrow, just so you know. We don’t have enough time today.”

“Okay…” Sierra said. “I’ll, uh, think about it tonight.”

“That’s fine, but I need a solid answer tomorrow.” Elise said. “I hope it’s ‘yes’ by the way. I really think going out would be good for you.”

“Well, if I do say ‘yes’, I’d need to find out what to do about my breasts.”

Elise frowned. “You know, that’s another thing I’ve noticed about you.”

“What?”

“You always say breasts, never boobs.”

“So?”

“It sounds weird.” Elise said. “You’re always talking about them like you’re a doctor or something.”

“I don’t see the problem. The other word sounds too juvenile and demeaning.”

“Juvenile? Demeaning?” Elise scoffed. “This is what I’m talking about when I say you spend too much time online. Most normal people use the word ‘boobs’ every day with no problem. Meanwhile you’re too afraid to even say it.”

“I’m not afraid of a word.” Sierra defended herself.

“Oh yeah? Prove it.” Elise challenged her. “Say ‘boobs’.”

“Okay…” Sierra’s voice trailed off. She hesitated for what seemed like a long time.

She didn’t get it. It was just a word. Was she actually afraid of saying a word? It was one thing to mainly use the word ‘breasts’. It was a whole other thing to completely avoid saying the other common term for that body part all together. What was wrong with her? Why was this word so intimidating?

Just when it looked like Elise was going to end the challenge, Sierra very quickly blurted out “boobs”.

“That took way too long.”

“Yeah… I know.” Sierra agreed. “I don’t know what it is about that word that… gets me so worked up.”

“Well, whatever it is, I think you should find out, because this…” Elise pointed two fingers at Sierra, “isn’t healthy.”

***

Elise looked at her phone as soon as she heard the notification sound.

“Well, it looks like it’s that time again.”

“Aww, does it have to be so soon? Feels like you just got here.” Sierra whined.

“Oh stop it, I’ll be here tomorrow.” Elise replied playfully. “You greedy little shit.”

Sierra giggled, prompting Elise to shake her head.

The two girls slowly put their arms around each other.

“I love you.” Elise said.

“I love you, too.” Sierra said back.

Elise held Sierra’s head close to her’s. “I want you to love yourself.”

Sierra stared at Elise for a bit before giving her a slight nod.

Elise kissed Sierra on the lips. “See you tomorrow.” She left through the front door.

Sierra looked out the window as she saw Elise’s car depart her driveway.

“Did you see that new bridge at the end of town?” Julie asked. “It looks really high class. Doesn’t fit this town very well.”

Ronald looked up from his laptop at the sound of his wife’s voice. “Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s weird.”

The married couple’s conversation was interrupted by Elise coming in through the front door.

“You stayed a bit late.” Ronald said to his daughter. “That makes me kind of upset.”

“Oh shut up Ronald, our daughter is very responsible.” Julie said. “Just ignore him, sweetie.”

“I just want to make sure you’re not getting into any funny business with that guy.”

Elise groaned. “I’m not, Dad. It’s not even dark yet.”

“Just making sure.”

Elise rolled her eyes and left the living room. Overprotective fathers were seriously the worst. Always up in your business and never giving you space. Would they ever learn to leave well enough alone?

There was some silver lining to this, though. If Sierra ended up embracing her female self, she’d have to deal with them too. Elise smiled devilishly at the thought.

***

Elise was sitting on her bed and about to go on her laptop when she looked up and saw Emma standing at her doorstep.

“What do you want?” Elise asked with an exasperated sigh. “Say it quick before I kick you out.”

“There’s something big going on between you and Devin.” Emma said. “I don’t know why Mom and Dad are blind and can’t see it. It’s so obvious.”

“That’s none of your business. Now get out.”

“What’s going on?”

“I said, get out.” Elise repeated more sternly.

Emma smirked as she walked away. “I knew I was right.”

Elise rubbed her face in exhaustion.

Another long day.

She had previously thought that the first week of summer vacation would be an easy going, stress free experience. How wrong she was.

She couldn’t even imagine how stressed Sierra was right now. What was up with her anyway? To be fair, Sierra had always been a little odd, even back when she still went by Devin, but now it seemed like that was all turned up to eleven.

Still, even with all the questions Elise had about her, there was one thing she was sure of. Sierra was happier as a girl, and everyone knew it.

Elise almost laughed. It was only a week ago when she had first met Sierra, and at the time the whole ordeal had greatly confused her. But now here she was, the one who was trying to convince Sierra to let go of being a male and embrace her female self. How did it happen so fast?

Throughout all the twists and turns of their relationship, one thing had remained certain. They both wanted each other to be happy. And by visiting her so often, Elise saw just how much happier Sierra was as a girl. Happier than she had ever been before. And she was resisting it for some reason. Elise wanted her to stop it. To break down all the barriers preventing her from loving herself. They both knew it would be hard, especially considering how the outside world might react, but in the end, it would be for the best.

Elise turned back to her laptop with a wistful feeling. She hoped Sierra was doing okay.

***

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the most predictable one of all?

Devin almost managed a grin at his thoughts.

It was always the same routine with him, every single day. Going in front of the mirror at night and contemplating his entire life. Worst of all was that he hated mirrors. So why did he look into them so often? What was his deal?

He didn’t even care to find the answer.

It seemed like the whole world was pushing him to embrace being a girl. Hell, even Elise practically begged him to give up his male half earlier that day. And even with the fact that Devin found it easier to become Sierra with Elise around, he couldn’t do it.

He knew he was much happier as Sierra, and he still couldn’t do it.

What was stopping him? He’d ask that question before, and he managed to find three answers for it: fear, shame, and self-hate. Mostly fear though. And what was he afraid of? The possible backlash, having to learn entirely new social dynamics, discomfort from entering a different lifestyle, and sometimes, if he was being honest, nothing. An abstract type of fear that he couldn’t quite define. Either way, one thing was clear: he was always his own worst enemy.

Devin looked down at his neck, to the silver necklace he was still wearing. Elise hadn’t mentioned it once after giving it to him, and even he himself kind of forgot about it. Maybe that was just what happened to girls when they wore makeup and jewelry. They eventually forget they’re wearing it until it’s brought to their attention.

Of course, that was just an assumption, Devin would have to-

No.

No, this wasn’t right. What the hell was he doing?

Devin was getting dangerously close to perceiving himself as a girl. And wearing this necklace was encouraging it. He had to take it off immediately.

Devin reached his right hand up and grabbed the heart shaped pendant, entirely intent on taking the silver necklace off.

He tried. He tried hard.

And then he opened up his hand and calmly examined the pendant in his palm.

He was being a bit over dramatic, wasn’t he? There he was again, immediately stopping himself from embracing being a girl. It was almost like he’d never stop, no matter what.

Violently ripping off the necklace seemed like such a waste. After all, Elise had given it to him for free. It’d be extremely rude to do something like that. Plus, it looked very… pretty. He’d have to keep it. Maybe he could even wear it again sometime.

Devin was silent as he safely put the silver necklace away in one of his drawers.

***

After putting the necklace away, Devin began watching some movies to calm himself down and take a break from his mental contemplations. And while he was able to calm down, his contemplations failed to rest.

This time though, he was mainly thinking about something else.

Did he want to go out to the mall the next day?

His gut reaction was “no”, but it probably wasn’t wise to trust your gut reaction one hundred percent of the time. So what would he say?

It was difficult to sort it all out. Part of him really wanted to go, but another part was too afraid to. Afraid of how others in public would see him, largely. To see him as a… girl.

Strangers he didn’t know, looking at him and seeing a girl.

That didn’t sound too bad, actually.

That cashier they met the last time they went to the mall had gendered him female before Elise corrected him. When that happened, he was able to feel a burst of excitement for a brief moment underneath all the fear and apprehension.

Maybe he could have a good time if he just focused on the excitement, rather than the fear, of people perceiving him as a girl. It wouldn’t be easy, but he was sure he could do it. It was worth a shot, at least. He’d always be afraid if he didn’t try.

But it wasn’t just that he was afraid of, though.

The last time they went to the mall, Devin had panicked and forced both him and Elise home early. And by some miracle, Elise wasn’t upset. He was still thankful she had been so nice about it.

It was worth mentioning that the reason he panicked in the first place was because he was scared of “Sierra” taking over and buying female clothes. Right now though, that didn’t seem nearly as scary of a prospect.

Going out and shopping for female clothes at a mall was such a TG cliché. But it was a good cliché, a cliché for a reason. It was a good and convenient way to have the main character learn more of the ins and outs of being female and have them connect with their female friends and relatives in a deeper way.

Elise nor himself probably had the money to construct an entirely new wardrobe in one day, but they could probably buy a few… bras, maybe some panties, and a few other small clothing items. And considering that Elise had given him the necklace, she’d definitely be more than willing to help him out.

If he really wanted to live those TG stories, then he shouldn’t give up this opportunity to do so.

By the time the movie was over, Devin had figured it out. He would go to the mall tomorrow. It’d be good for him to get out more. He needed the public exposure.

He may not be entirely comfortable with it, but all things considered, it just seemed like the correct decision.

And who knows, maybe it could even be… fun.

***

Just when Devin was about to go to bed, he realized he had forgotten something.

Voice training.

How did he forget about voice training? Did he even actually forget about it, or did he just want to? Whatever the case, voice training had slipped his mind until now.

The previous day, his voice training session had went rough. Panting like a dog for an hour wasn’t exactly an experience he’d like to repeat, but he promised himself he’d give it another try.

“Well, here it goes.” He thought to himself.

***

This time wasn’t much different.

Devin fell onto his bed with an exhausted groan. Would it ever get better? Sure, it’d be stupid to expect results on only the second day, but keeping this up was already looking like a losing battle.

“Patience.” He told himself. “Just try it for a few more days and see where that leads you.”

Devin turned his head as he pulled the covers over him. He never even mentioned the voice training to Elise. Or the fact that his male voice disgusted him so deeply. It was one of the biggest barriers to becoming Sierra completely. The mismatch between his body, soul, and voice.

It also added an extra layer of fear to going out in public. Someone with a more female face and body having such a deep, male voice would throw everyone off. Let them know he was nothing but a freak and a pervert. He was beginning to have second thoughts about going- no, he’d still go. He had to. He couldn’t let himself down.

Devin imagined a woman’s voice. The nice, high sound and the sweet rhythm it created.

He longed for the day when such a voice could escape his lips.

8 Months Earlier

This was it. Today was the day.

Devin could hardly contain his excitement as he ran to the mailbox to collect his well awaited prize.

It was right there waiting for him.

The hormones. Spironolactone and estradiol to be exact. He had been waiting for this day for a long time and it had finally come.

He stowed the pill bottles safely in his sweatshirt before walking inside. He hadn’t yet told his parents or anyone else about these hormones, and he planned to keep it that way.

***

A week had passed since Devin had started taking the hormones and he didn’t feel much different. He guessed he was a little better but that could easily just be placebo.

He’d have to take the hormones longer to get more results.

***

It had now been two weeks since Devin started taking the hormones. He noticed that spironolactone was making him pee a lot.

It was very annoying.

***

It had been a month now.

Devin went to the cabinet door and opened it to get a drink. In doing so, the door accidentally brushed his surprisingly sensitive left nipple.

“Ow.” He said softly before grabbing the source of his pain.

Devin blinked in confusion. That was new.

His nipples now had a hint of puffiness to them. He wasn’t sure how this was the first time he noticed.

He didn’t know how to feel about it.

***

Two months in and his nipples were even puffier. Furthermore, the skin behind them was beginning to swell.

Devin had heard that growing breasts was supposed to hurt, but all this growth and he still didn’t feel anything. What was going on? Not that he wanted it to hurt, but the fact that it didn’t made a part of himself feel that all these changes were in his head.

Either way, his chest was now large enough to the point where it showed in T-shirts. Devin now wore sweatshirts everywhere. Luckily, it was late fall, so no one really questioned him. His parents, his classmates, and his teachers didn’t suspect a thing.

He did have to improvise when wearing his work uniform though.

***

Three months had passed now and when looking in the mirror Devin could swear his face was different. Slightly less harsh, slightly less male. Devin didn’t know how to feel, but the part of himself he had recently begun calling Sierra welcomed the changes.

It also occurred to him that if he kept taking these hormones through adulthood, he wouldn’t go bald. A huge benefit that even Devin recognized.

***

Three and a half months at this point.

It was while holding the hand of his incredible girlfriend Elise in the school hallways that Devin noticed something.

He could swear his walk was different.

Just like with his face, he had no real way of knowing if anything had actually changed. It sure felt like it, though. It was as if his hips had a slight sway to them that wasn’t there before. And his butt felt a little bigger too.

Was all this stuff actually happening to him or was it all in his mind? He desperately wanted some answers and it was driving him insane. He wanted to ask Elise if she noticed anything different about him, but he knew that would tip her off, so he didn’t.

Besides, if she had actually noticed anything, she would have probably said something. And so far no one in the school had mentioned anything about him looking different, so his changes weren’t very noticeable yet.

Sierra was sad about that.

***

Devin received the package on a day when his parents weren’t home. He quickly took it inside and opened it in his room.

It was the safe he ordered. The one with an electronic lock.

He set the code as “266-4018” and stashed the pill bottles inside. This would be much more secure than hiding them in his drawers.

He placed the safe in a random empty box in his closet.

***

Four months. It was time to do it. He had the means and the money, and he’d been putting this off for too long.

He was going to buy his first bra.

Devin was shaking as he pulled into the mall parking lot. He was already beginning to have second thoughts the moment he departed his vehicle.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Maybe he should just get back in the car and go home. It wasn’t like anything bad would happen if he didn’t buy the bras today. There was nothing currently at stake for him or anyone else.

Which is exactly why he went on and continued walking toward the mall.

If he was being realistic, there would never be any real stakes at any point. There would never technically be a time when he absolutely needed to buy a bra. If he wanted to, he could put this off until forever.

He had to do this today, or he never would.

So he took the first step, walking into the mall. Now it was time for the second, walking into the women’s clothing section.

Easier said than done.

Devin felt like a pervert just looking at that section. Actually walking into it seemed like too much for him to handle. Not even Sierra’s excitement within him was enough to propel him forward.

Devin looked around, to all the women shopping in that section. Even just seeing them invoked a strong sense of jealousy.

Devin had always been jealous of women. He never remembered a point in his life when he hadn’t been. But now it had been turned up to the extreme. Those women were able to walk into the women’s section and buy clothing there without having any second thoughts of if they actually belonged there. They were able to go in there without worrying about being seen as a pervert, a freak, or a faggot.

None of that would ever cross their mind, but for Devin, that could simply never be the case. No matter what he did, those internal thoughts of being wrong would never go away. He’d most likely be dealing with them his entire life.

And on that depressing note, Devin turned and walked away.

But then he stopped himself.

“No, go in there.” A part of his mind demanded. “You remember what you said to yourself when you walked out of the car. If you don’t do this today, you never will. So get into that section and buy that bra. Those women probably won’t care enough to give you anything more than a passing glance.”

Yeah, that made sense. People who went to malls… they were busy. They probably didn’t have the time to worry about every random shopper who does something a little out of the ordinary. There was no reason to be afraid. No big scene or anything like that would occur as long as he didn’t make one himself.

Plus, he needed to remind himself, he had to do this today, or he never would.

So Devin took a deep breath and walked into the women’s clothing section. There, now that he was here, it didn’t seem so bad. He didn’t even know what he was so worried about in the first place. Nothing bad had happened when he walked in. There he was again, making a big fuss out of nothing.

Now that he was here, it was finally time to find a bra to buy. Before he even went to this mall, Devin had opted to buy a sports bra. Mainly because he heard they could hide his breasts the best.

So he went into a section for sports bras and tried to find one which would work for him.

The problem: Devin didn’t exactly know how bra sizes worked. He knew it had something to do with two specific measurements but that was basically it.

Shit, he probably looked like a clueless lunatic to the women there. He probably should just- no, no! Those thoughts needed to get out of his head. He needed to concentrate. He needed to remember, he had to do this today, or he never would.

In a quick move, Devin took three sports bras and scurried away.

In his rush he couldn’t tell completely, but he probably did get a few funny looks. It was inevitable with being a man alone in the women’s section. But once he calmed himself down, he realized no one really gave him any big attention. Everyone was too wrapped up in their own lives to care that much.

That made him feel better. He was overreacting again. Everything would be fine.

At least he hoped.

***

Devin walked to a cash register with a bag in his hand.

“Would that be all?” The cashier asked.

“Yeah.”

The cashier proceeded to take the items out of the bag and Devin tensed up again. No, he could get through this. He just needed to remember, if they ask, they were for his girlfriend, not himself.

As the cashier pulled out the sports bras, Devin mustered a huge, nervous, and guilty smile.

To his surprise, the cashier believed his story without him even needing to tell it.

“Buying bras for your girlfriend?” They asked. “You’re so sweet and nice. Most guys wouldn’t do this.”

“Uh, yeah.”

Devin proceeded to pay for his items and he quickly left for his car with a bag of three sports bras in his hand.

***

Devin couldn’t believe it. He did it. He actually did it.

Devin walked toward his room the second he got home. His parents had asked him how his mall trip went, to which he replied with a quick and quiet “okay”. Thankfully they were satisfied with just that. They didn’t seem to feel like bugging him that much today.

Well, there was no use in putting this off. He had already gone through the trouble of buying a bra, might as well put it on. Again, he had to do this today, or he never would.

Devin got one of the sports bras out of the bag and went over to the bathroom. He shut and locked the door. He then stripped off all his clothes except for his underwear and picked up the bra with two of his hands.

This was it.

Devin gulped. Even though there was no one else here, he still felt extraordinarily nervous. What was he afraid of? It wasn’t like anyone was watching him. He was all alone.

And yet he was still afraid.

And excited. Sierra was very excited.

Devin shook his head and tried to rid himself of his nervousness. He was able to lower it down to a tolerable level.

After a few seconds of staring at himself in the mirror, Devin finally began putting the bra on. He had no idea how to put it on, so he just guessed what the right method was.

He simply put it on his chest and then attempted to clip the two clasps together in the back. It took a while, but eventually he was able to figure it out. The bra felt a little crooked, and a little too big, but overall it seemed to fit alright.

Devin looked up at himself in the mirror, to his reflection, and immediately jumped.

The bra was supposed to hide his breasts, but, if anything, when he looked at them like this, the bra only made them more prominent. He stared at himself for a while. At first he wasn’t really sure why he was so enamored with his own reflection. But soon, he found out. It was something that he had had for a while but for some reason it wasn’t until now when it fully clicked in his mind.

He had breasts. Real, actual breasts.

Devin cupped them in his hands and moved them around a bit. They were small, very small, but they were still… there. Breasts, on his chest. He couldn’t believe it. How had it only been now when he realized?

A lone tear made its way down Sierra’s face as she let go of her breasts. Her breasts. Ones that belonged to her.

For the longest time, breasts were a foreign concept. They were something Sierra wanted but could never have. She had always wondered how they would feel, how they would look, if they were on her. But that was always a fantasy.

Not anymore, though. Never anymore. She had breasts now, forever and for always.

Devin stared at himself in the mirror for a while longer before putting his clothes back on and silently leaving the room.

***

It had taken Devin a full month to figure out how he would clean his bras. He eventually decided on handwashing them in an empty room in his basement, and he was relieved at the final result of his first wash.

The bras no longer had the unbearable stench that they had been picking up for the last few weeks. No one else had mentioned anything about it, but he could still smell it, and it reeked.

He should probably try being a little cleaner.

***

“Hey.” Amanda said to Devin. “Your skin looks really nice. How do you do it?”

“What?”

“Your skin.” She reiterated. “Do you have a routine or something?”

“Uh… no, I don’t.” Devin said back.

“Oh…”

Devin turned away, confused. He eventually went into the guy’s bathroom and took a long look in the mirror.

Now that he was seeing it, his skin did look really nice. It felt nice too, not like the ugly, rough, coarse male skin he used to have. How had it been six months of taking hormones and he only noticed now?

He needed to keep better track of these changes.

***

Seven months. Looking at his body now, Devin realized how nice it was starting to look. It was so nice in fact that he decided to start shaving his body hair.

It took a week of shaving off a little more each day, but the end result was very nice. He was almost completely hairless below the neck, and it actually kind of looked like a girl’s body if his groin was covered.

Sierra smiled at that.

***

Eight months and nearing the end of the school year. Devin could scarcely believe he had been able to make it this far without blowing his cover. Not to say he hadn’t come close a few times, but still, overall he was impressed.

Wearing a sweatshirt in the summer heat sucked though, and he did get a lot of daily questions about that.

“Look dude, I know I’ve asked this like a million times, but seriously why are you wearing a sweatshirt? It’s boiling out there.”

“Because it makes me feel good.” Devin said to Ryan.

“You are very weird.”

“So are you.” Devin smiled.

“Wanna play Smash?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah.”

***

It was with unsure steps that Devin walked into the barber shop. His face was still hurting from the electrolysis session he just went to, and he really didn’t want to do the haircut today. But then he remembered his quote from the mall a few months ago: he had to do this today, or he never would.

“Hello… uh, sir?” The woman at the desk greeted him with uncertainty, not sure of his gender. It was a reaction Devin had grown used to.

Devin nodded his head without saying a word. School had just ended that day, and after a painfully boring awards ceremony the students were out early. When he got home, his parents were already packed to leave for their week-long vacation, and by noon they were gone. Now with his time alone, Devin had planned to get an electrolysis session, which was already done, and a haircut.

Devin’s hair had gotten kind of long, but it wasn't a long that could be considered feminine. No, it was a messy long, an unkempt long, a male long. And he needed it cut to a cleaner, more feminine short hair style. Sierra demanded it.

“So… what are you here for today?” The woman at the desk asked, shaking Devin out of his contemplations.

Not wanting to hear his male voice, Devin silently placed the money for a haircut on the desk and got out his phone showing the woman a picture of a pixie cut.

“Oh, really. Are you sure?”

Devin nodded.

“All right, we’ll be with you shortly.”

Devin sat on a chair in the waiting room.

***

Devin had his eyes closed as the barber was cutting his hair. He was deathly afraid they would give him a masculine haircut.

He knew the fear was probably a little silly, considering that he made it very clear what style he wanted his hair cut in, but he had heard enough haircutting horror stories to still have a lingering sense of fear.

Closing his eyes was also a risk, of course. If the barber was doing something wrong, he wouldn’t be able to say anything and possibly stop them.

He decided the risk was worth it.

***

“Okay, it’s all done.”

Devin slowly and hesitantly opened his eyes to see the final result in the long, wall length mirror. And when he did, he exhaled hard.

Most TG stories had a moment where the main character would see themselves as female for the first time. And whenever that happened, they would usually gasp in shock of their new form. They were often in complete awe of their new body and its beauty.

When Devin looked into that mirror and saw what looked like a teenage girl with a short pixie cut and no traces of facial hair, he felt like he was living that moment.

“Do you like it?” The barber asked.

Sierra silently shook her head, “yes”.

“That’s fantastic.” They smiled.

Sierra had to stop herself from crying. If she ever finished transitioning, it’d be moments like this that she’d remember, and cherish, for the rest of her life.

It was a pretty lucky night for Devin. He didn’t have any nightmares that night. There was no dream to taunt or tease him about wanting to be a girl. Nothing to bother him. He couldn’t possibly be happier.

Devin sat down on his living room couch as he contemplated what he was going to do that day. Today was going to be a pretty big day, by the looks of it. A mall trip and they were probably going to finish “For a Girl”. It had been a week of reading it, but it felt good to finally get it done.

Unfortunately, what they were going to read that day wasn’t exactly something Devin was looking forward to. He remembered the twelfth chapter of that story and the content it held.

There was a subplot in “For a Girl” regarding the character named Andy Marks. Throughout the story, Marks bullies and harasses Stephanie about her condition, and this escalates to a full on attempted rape and murder of her boyfriend in the twelfth chapter. Marks doesn’t succeed in any of it, and Stephanie refuses to report the actions done to the police (not like they’d do anything, realistically).

So what was Stephanie’s plan?

Well apparently it revolved around humiliating Marks in front of the entire school, revealing the attempted rape and also revealing her secret desire to be a girl. That’s right, the entire reason why Andy Marks bullied Stephanie and tried to rape her was because she was jealous and wanted to be a girl herself.

There was no other way around it, the only explicitly trans character in the story was an attempted rapist and murderer.

JK Rowling would probably love this part of the story.

Devin’s least favorite part of “For a Girl” was still the principal spanking scene, but this was easily a close second. Was he really the only one who had a problem with it? How could a trans wish fulfillment story do something like this?

Most TG stories where the main character isn’t trans simply don’t mention transgender people. In a way, it could be argued this is for the best because then the reader isn’t reminded that a person like them didn’t get to have a magical gender transformation while some random guy did. But, “For a Girl” goes against this, mentioning transgender people and incorporating them into the story in the worst way possible.

Even disregarding how offensive the twist was, it simply didn’t make much sense from a purely literary perspective. Stephanie simply looks at Marks’s facial expressions a few times and somehow learns her entire motivation for trying to rape her and then partakes in some unrealistic power fantasy to embarrass her in front of the school, complete with over the top gasps from the onlookers. It only works because of contrived writing.

“For a Girl” would've been so much better if the principal and Andy Marks were cut from the story entirely.

There were so many problems with the Andy Marks subplot. It was a mess all around.

Devin wondered how Elise would react to it.

***

It was only 10:00 in the morning when Elise pulled her car out of her driveway. She wanted to go a bit earlier this time because of their mall trip later that day.

It was Friday, which meant only three more days of going to Sierra’s house freely before her parents came home and put an end to it. It was already pretty unbelievable this was even allowed to happen in the first place.

Elise was loving her daily visits with Sierra. All of the things they had discovered together brought them closer. Their relationship had become much stronger as a result.

It wasn’t only that, but Sierra becoming a girl seemed to be making it easier for them to relate to one another. They understood each other in a way that they just didn’t when Sierra was still Devin. The connection they now had was thrilling.

Elise could only hope that eventually, Sierra would abandon Devin completely.

***

Devin found himself once again staring at his reflection through the mirror. He was so predictable and cliché, wasn’t he? He didn’t think he’d ever fix that problem.

“I wish I was a woman.”

What did he even mean by that? How could he know that he wanted to be a woman if he had no frame of reference for it? Did he even actually want to be a woman or did he just have a gender bending fetish?

Maybe that was all being a woman was to him. A fetish. He still masturbated to TG stories, after all, so he could only assume that was the case.

Masturbating to TG stories. Stories that the authors spent so much time pouring their hearts out on, and he was using them as nothing more than jack off material. What the hell was wrong with him?

It did make one thing clear though. He wasn’t a woman. He could never be a woman. He would always be a sick, sick man.

Devin let out a groan. Hearing that low male sound come out of him only made him feel worse. Why was he suddenly thinking like this? Why did his bouts of self hate have to come in at the absolute worst times? He was supposed to have a great, eventful day today and now he was feeling like shit.

Sometimes Devin felt like he was living Ranma 1/2. Elise was his cold water, and the rest of the world, including himself and his mind, was his hot water.

There was a lot on Devin’s mind that was distressing him. His mental state, his disgusting male voice, the incredibly problematic content in “For a Girl” they were about to read, and the mall trip they were going to take that day.

However, for a fleeting moment, all of that was forgotten about as Sierra looked out the bathroom window and saw Elise’s car pulling into her driveway. At that point, the only thing she could think about were the wondrous adventures they could both go on together.

“Wait, you wanna go… now?”

“Yep.” Elise smiled. “Thought it would be better to go to the mall first since it’s kind of a long drive.”

“I don’t know.” Sierra replied. “Forty minutes isn’t too long a drive.”

“Well, whatever. The point is, we’re going to the mall now so… are you ready?”

“I, uh… hang on, I need to go to the bathroom.”

Sierra ran over to the bathroom and sat on the toilet. Truthfully, she didn’t really need to go. She just needed a few minutes to… collect herself.

Sierra bent her head down to the floor. Well, on the bright side this time she wasn’t looking in the mirror. She was avoiding some clichés at least.

Sierra ran her hands through her hair. What was she doing? She couldn’t have been getting cold feet now. She had agreed to this. Elise had been happy that she agreed to this. And now she was in the bathroom, in fear? She needed to show some courage.

“Get back out there.” A part of her mind said.

Sierra opened the bathroom door and ran back to the living room, where Elise was sitting on the couch.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Sierra said. “Let’s go.”

***

Sierra actually felt a bit better once she was in the car. Sure, she was still nervous, but she could manage it.

However, there was one thing bothering her about this trip that she couldn’t quite get over.

“Umm… Elise?”

“What’s up?”

"There’s something I haven’t said to you yet. And I probably should.”

“What is it?”

“Well, it’s uh… my voice.”

“What about it?” Elise asked.

“I started voice training.”

“Is that when you train your voice to sound more feminine?”

“Yeah.”

“How do you feel about it?”

“Frustrated.” Sierra answered. “I know I’ve only done two sessions so far, but I feel like I’m not going anywhere. And my voice… I hate it so much. Going to this mall is so hard for me because of my god damn voice. I wish there was an easier way to do this.”

“I’m sorry about that.” Elise said. “But… aren’t there coaches for that kind of stuff? Like voice coaches?”

“Yes but… my parents. They are not going to let me do something like that.”

“You know, you keep assuming the worst will happen if you tell your parents.”

“What if I’m right?”

“You don’t know that.” Elise said. “Who knows? Maybe they’ll be supportive. Maybe your mom will even be happy she now has a daughter.”

“Yeah right.” Sierra scoffed. “They’ll be real happy when they learn I’ve been taking hormones behind their backs.”

“Just be a bit more optimistic.”

Sierra paused for a bit before sighing. “I’ll try.”

***

For how wonderful Sierra was, she couldn’t start a conversation for the life of her. Elise took the opportunity to start one with her when she hit a red light.

“So… does your voice really bother you that much?” She asked.

Sierra turned to face Elise. “Thanks for reminding me.” She said with a sigh.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“No, it’s okay. I probably should be talking about this kind of stuff.”

“That makes sense.” Elise said as the light turned green. “So… are you fine with telling me why you hate your voice so much?”

Sierra crossed her arms. “Yeah… it’s just that… it’s so low. So deep. It’s a man’s voice. And I hate it. I don’t want to sound like a man.”

“So you think you’d feel better if you sounded like a woman?”

“I know I would. I just… it worries me that this will be my voice forever. That the voice training will never work. I want to sound like a woman so bad. I wish estrogen changed your voice but it doesn’t. It’s so damn cruel.”

“If it makes you feel better.” Elise said. “I am confident that one day, you will have a woman’s voice.”

“Do I look like a woman?” Sierra asked with wide eyes.

“I know you’re gonna think I’m only saying this because I’m your girlfriend, but you definitely look more like a woman than a man.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, hopefully I don’t have to tell you that fifty more times.” Elise chuckled.

“Thanks… but there’s something about that that scares me.” Sierra responded. “If I look like a woman, people will see me as a woman, but then when I open my mouth and I sound like a man… they’ll know I’m tr- I mean, not a woman.”

Elise frowned at the forced word change.

“I don’t even know if I consider myself a woman.” Sierra looked down.

“Just take it one step at a time.” Elise told her. “I know it sounds cheesy, but I’ll be by your side.”

“Thanks.” Sierra said with a sad half smile.

***

There was a small stretch of highway that needed to be driven through before reaching the mall. Elise was still a rather inexperienced driver, so Sierra waited until she got off it before speaking to her again.

“You know… I never thanked you for giving me that necklace so… thank you.”

Elise smiled. “You're welcome. Did it feel good to wear it?”

“Yes.” Sierra said firmly. She was telling the truth too. It did feel good to wear it. It really did.

***

Sierra’s legs couldn’t stop shaking as Elise pulled into the mall parking lot.

“Well, we’re here… hey, is everything okay?”

“Yes… I mean, yes, I mean… no.”

“Nervous?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sierra asked sarcastically. “I thought I could do this but now that I’m here, I- I don’t know… I’m falling apart.”

Elise put her hand on Sierra’s shoulder. “Well, I’m not letting you force us back to your house right after we go in. One time I can handle. Two, not so much.”

“I said I was sorry!”

“I’m just teasing…” Elise giggled.

Sierra rolled her eyes through her fear. “But… seriously though, I am afraid. I don’t know if I can-”

“Yes, you can.” Elise interrupted. “Sierra, whatever you think you’re going to say, don’t say it. Don’t think it. You can do this.”

Sierra thought about Elise’s words. Could she really do this? Go into the mall? Go get something to eat? Maybe even… drop by the women’s clothing section and buy something there? It seemed impossible yet… here she was, about to go into the mall.

Yeah… she could do this, right? She was able to come here after all. A decision she had made willingly. And Elise was right here beside her, supporting her. With her by her side, could she really be afraid?

Maybe she could be a little nervous, but not enough to go back home. She was already here in the parking lot, and she didn’t want to make a scene.

Within her mind, she was reminded of a quote from herself, back when she went to this mall to buy her first bra: she had to do this today, or she never would.

“Sierra, are you okay?” Elise asked.

“Yeah, I’m… I’m alright.” Sierra answered.

“Are you ready to go in?”

To her own surprise, Sierra’s lips managed to form a smile. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

“How much money do you have?”

“Well… enough for some food and a few other things.” Elise answered. “That’s about it.”

“Okay.” Sierra got out her wallet. “I think I have about the same amount you do. Together we could probably buy three or four small clothing items, depending upon whether my guesses on prices are correct.”

Sierra put her wallet back in her pocket. Elise giggled at her action.

“What?”

“When the time comes, you’re gonna miss that little convenience.”

Sierra blushed then let out a forced cough. “Well, I think that about settles the money situation. Now, umm… are we going to get a-”

“Oh yes.” Elise interrupted. “We’re gonna get you a bra that fits. One that isn’t a sports bra. What are your measurements?”

“Uhh…” Sierra hesitated.

“Of course you don’t know. Oh, what am I going to do with you?” Elise shook her head. “Well, looks like there’s only one way to do this.”

Sierra’s eyes widened. “You don’t mean…”

Elise laughed knowingly. “Oh yes, I mean. You’re going to get professionally fitted!”

Sierra looked down, seemingly in shame. “You’re really not going to make this easy for me, are you?”

Elise sighed then put her hand on Sierra’s shoulder. “Hey, I’m sorry if I’m being a little bit pushy but I really think this is what’s best for you. Wearing a bra that fits won’t damage your skin.”

“Okay… I trust you.”

“You’ll get through this. I know you will. I’ve seen you take bigger steps every day. Like not wearing a sweatshirt anymore. You’re a strong person.”

Sierra smiled. “Thank you.”

***

Sierra and Elise both walked toward the mall, hand in hand. To all the onlookers, they probably looked like a lesbian couple, or at the very least a queer one.

Of course, that was assuming they actually had any onlookers, which they didn’t.

When Sierra looked around, she saw that no one else in the mall was really giving her or Elise much attention. She didn’t even see many passing glances. The people there simply didn’t care.

“No one’s looking at us.” Sierra said.

“Of course they aren’t.” Elise replied. “You were overreacting again.”

Sierra sighed. “Man, I really know how to stress myself out, don’t I?”

“Yep.” Elise nodded.

“How do I do it?”

“Well, by always assuming the worst, and obsessing over that worst case scenario.” Elise answered. “Sierra, you really need to learn that no matter how much you hate yourself, or how much time you spend online, not many people will really care if you want to be a woman. I know what you’re going through isn’t easy, but you make things so much worse for yourself.”

Sierra took a moment to digest what Elise just said. Thinking about it, she agreed with basically everything. She had a lot of bad mental health habits she needed to break.

And she just couldn’t break them.

Maybe therapy would be a good idea. It would probably be good for her to talk all these things out with a professional. At the very least, it couldn’t make anything worse.

***

The longer Sierra was in the mall, the more numb she felt to the things that were previously worrying her. She was still a little nervous, especially with the professional bra fitting she’d have to go through, but overall, she was in a much happier mood than before.

It was with a light grin that Sierra swallowed a bite of a pancake she ordered in the food court. “You know, shopping with a female friend is a pretty big TG cliché.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, it’s used in a ton of TG stories.” She said. “Though I guess I should’ve said female relative because it’s more common that way than with a friend.”

“Well I’m sorry I can’t give you the full experience.” Elise said mockingly.

Sierra laughed. “Maybe our TG story can be a little different.”

“Maybe this is the part of the TG story where the boy turned girl finally accepts herself as a girl.”

“Umm… I think it’s a bit too early for that. How about this? This is the part of the TG story where the amazing supportive girlfriend helps the newly created girl become acquainted with female clothing.”

Elise smiled at the word choice. “That works too.”

***

After the meal Sierra and Elise went to take a trip to the bathroom. Still holding hands, Sierra attempted to walk toward the men’s room, to which she was quickly pulled away.

Frightened, Sierra turned around to see Elise with a mischievous smile on her face.

No, she wouldn’t.

It was then that Sierra saw Elise walking both of them toward the women’s room without a hint of hesitation.

Yeah, she would.

During that short walk Sierra’s mind was going a million miles a minute. She could hardly even believe what was happening. She was about to go into the women’s bathroom for the very first time.

Was Elise out of her mind? Sierra didn’t belong there. She wasn’t a woman, even if she really wanted to be. She was a sick, perverted man who had no business in the women’s room. And if she spoke at all in that room, everyone would know it.

Sierra desperately wanted to do something, say something to avoid going into that bathroom, but it was as if her body was locked up. She was paralyzed in fear and shock, and could do nothing but watch as Elise dragged her inside.

Once she was in the bathroom, she saw that a few other (no not “other” a part of her mind said) women were in there. Great, now she was going to make a big scene in front of a bunch of random people.

No, she wasn’t going to make a scene. All she needed to do was calm down and get through this. Just go to the bathroom and it will be over. She hadn’t made a scene yet, and she wasn’t planning to either.

Aesthetically, the women’s bathroom looked mostly identical to the men’s bathroom, except for the fact that there were no urinals, and a baby changing station was present. Why did the women’s bathroom have a baby changing station while the men’s didn’t? Whatever, feminist analysis could come later. Right now Sierra just needed to focus. Go to the bathroom, wash her hands, and get out. She could do this.

There were six stalls, and three of them were unoccupied. Sierra saw Elise walk into one of the stalls and then took a deep breath before entering one of them herself.

This wasn’t so bad. Now that the initial shock was fading, there really wasn’t anything special about this. She was just going to a public bathroom. A completely normal, slightly uncomfortable experience that every person had to go through. Why was she even afraid in the first place?

Sitting down to pee wasn’t exactly weird for Sierra. She’d been doing that a lot, even if it wasn’t completely necessary for her. It just felt… right. Also, if she needed to poop, then she was already sitting down, so it was more convenient.

Sierra flushed the toilet, washed her hands, and then walked out of the bathroom. Elise quickly followed her. She didn’t even see another person in there.

She did it. She went to the women’s bathroom for the first time. It probably made sense for her to go in there, considering her appearance. Going into the men’s room with visible breasts would be weird.

“I am very proud of you.” Elise whispered.

Sierra blushed then managed a smile. Admittedly it was a bit silly. All she did was go to the bathroom. But it was so much more than that. She just made a huge step. Going into the women’s bathroom for the very first time. She overcame her fear and a huge challenge. And already a part of her mind was thinking that it wasn’t a big deal.

She had nearly panicked before going into the women’s bathroom, but after the experience, she was glad she went in. At that moment, she felt that if she could do that, she could do anything.

After using the women’s bathroom, entering the women’s clothing section felt like a leisure walk. Of course, it wasn’t like this was the first time that Sierra had been in the women’s section, but it was the fact that she hardly felt any stress at all that surprised her. It really seemed like she was just walking in the mall, shopping for female clothing, and spending time with her girlfriend. It didn’t feel like anything was at stake.

Perhaps this was a sign that she was finally starting to perceive herself as a woman. Maybe one day she’d even start seeing herself as a woman full time. It seemed like such an unreachable goal, but she’d already made so much progress.

Sierra was eternally thankful for her girlfriend. Elise had been so accepting and understanding through all of this. She didn’t even get mad at the TG stories. It was so much easier to take all these hard steps when she was by her side.

Sierra owed that girl her life. She’d never be able to repay her.

***

“Panties?” Sierra asked.

“Yep.” Elise nodded. “Just think it’d be best for you to get some female underwear right now.”

“I don’t know… this seems like a little much.”

“This whole trip was a little much.” Elise explained. “And yet, here you are.”

“Well yeah, but-”

“Sierra.” Elise interrupted. “Consider this. You just went to the women’s bathroom. And you’ve already agreed to get professionally fitted for a bra. Really, what more are a few pairs of panties?”

“I guess…”

“You don’t have to get them if you don’t want to but I really think it’s what's best for you.”

“I mean… why do you think it’s what’s best for me?”

“Because at some point you’re going to have to learn about women’s underwear, whether you want to or not. Not every woman wears panties but most of us are made to at some point in our lives.”

“Okay…” Sierra conceded.

Elise smiled then patted Sierra on the back.

Sierra took a deep breath. Panties? She could hardly believe it. For some reason, even though she already went into the women’s bathroom, this felt like a huge step. One that she wasn’t sure she was ready to take.

A lot of TG stories had a heavy fixation with panties. “For a Girl” and “Of Heroes And Villains” especially so. “For a Girl” often went out of its way to describe what panties meant in the context of being a woman as a whole. And a large portion of the first half of “Of Heroes And Villains” is dedicated to the shame Shade feels for wanting to wear panties and other female clothes.

Whatever the case may be, most TG stories seem to see panties as some sort of ultimate mark of femininity. Something very shameful for men to wear. And of course, it’s not like they got that impression from nowhere.

Panties, and by extension all forms of female underwear, are sexualized in a way that male underwear just isn’t. It’s really easy for the average person to see male underwear as normal, and maybe even boring, while seeing female underwear as more exotic and sexy.

For Sierra, this kind of messaging caused her to feel ashamed to desire wearing any female clothing at all. Every time she caught herself wondering what wearing panties would feel like, she thought of herself as a pervert and a fetishist. Even today she still felt a little gross just looking at panties.

She felt almost exactly like Shade had in the beginning of “Of Heroes And Villains”. Being afraid of the incredibly tempting soft fabrics of female underwear. Wanting to wear it instead of the plain male counterparts. And feeling like a disgusting creep for it.

She could remember all those nights she spent wondering what the hell was wrong with her. Wondering why she couldn’t just get rid of these feelings and be normal.

As much as she hated it, those feelings were a part of her. She couldn’t get rid of them.

At least in these past few days she had become better at dealing with them. The feelings of wanting to wear women’s underwear were not nearly as distressing as they once were.

After all, at the end of the day they were just panties. It was a bit silly that underwear of all things was causing her this much mental anguish.

***

“How many pairs of panties do you think we can afford?” Sierra asked.

“I’m gonna guess like three.” Elise answered. “Or maybe four.”

“We should probably play it safe. Stick with three.”

Elise’s face grew into a sly smile. “What, you can’t handle four?”

“Elise…” Sierra said with a disapproving tone.

“I was just kidding.” Elise said back. “Ever heard of humor? So uptight.”

“It’s not that, it’s just… ah, nevermind. Let’s just pick out these damn panties.”

Sierra began flipping through the panty rack in the clothing section, an action Elise soon followed. Truthfully Sierra wasn’t exactly looking for something to buy, she was just making it look like she was. She hoped she wasn’t being too obvious.

Sierra did, however, eventually come across one pair of panties that caught her eye. And it was only a few seconds after seeing them that some deep part of her mind forced her to smile.

“Hey Elise.”

“What?”

“Have you ever noticed that forcing the main character into pink panties is such an old and tired TG cliché?”

“What are you getting at-” Elise stopped talking when Sierra held out the pink panties in front of her.

After seeing them, Elise simply shook her head and laughed. “Wow Sierra, I thought I was the one pushing you. Now you want to wear those?”

“Well, I mean… I was just saying that… if we’re already at the mall, and buying panties, we might as well take part in another cliché.”

“Oh look, now you’re finding any excuse you can to wear pink panties. So adorable.” Elise cooed.

Sierra’s face went red. “Okay fine. I guess I just want one set of panties to be pink.” She admitted. “I don’t know why, I just do.”

“Hey, anything you want is completely okay with me.” Elise said. “You should never feel ashamed for wanting to wear something. Ever.”

Sierra sighed. “I wish my mind agreed.”

***

Sierra and Elise walked away from the panty rack with four pairs of panties in their bag, a fact Sierra smirked at. She guessed she could handle four, after all.

Sierra could hardly believe what was happening. Pink panties? She was about to buy pink panties willingly? No, that couldn’t be right. Pink wasn’t even her favorite color. And she struggled a ton with deciding to wear panties at all. Why was that such a hard decision but picking out pink panties wasn’t? What was going on inside her head?

It probably wasn’t worth wondering about. Sierra had long since figured out that the human brain is an inconsistent, contradictory mess, especially for her. It just wasn’t worth sorting through.

While there was still a part of her mind calling her a pervert and a fetishist, it was largely overshadowed by the rest of her mind treating this as nothing more than an ordinary event. There was nothing special about buying pink panties.

That train of thought calmed her. Sierra was just buying some clothes with her girlfriend. What was there of note in it? It was just another shopping trip. And she was having fun.

The other three pairs of panties were the more plain colors of grey, black, and white. It was just the pink panties that were more adventurous.

If Sierra really wanted to, she could have gotten even more adventurous and bought even more exotic panties. But not today though. She didn’t feel quite up to that, and especially with a limited budget to work with, it seemed like an impossibility.

Of course, it was worth noting that their mall trip was far from over, as they still needed to get some bras.

And Sierra needed to get professionally fitted for one too.

Oh dear.

***

The bra section was only a short walk away from the panty section. Sierra gulped as she walked towards it.

This was going to be the biggest step of the day.

The time for the professional fitting was coming closer and closer. And Sierra could do nothing to stop it. Why was she so afraid, anyway? She was able to purchase pink panties just fine. And now she was afraid again?

Maybe it was because Sierra would have to go topless in front of someone she didn’t know, showing off body parts that she wasn’t even comfortable with by herself.

Basically, she was about to strip half naked for a complete stranger. Any normal person would be afraid. Unfortunately, knowing that didn’t make Sierra any less afraid.

Elise, sensing Sierra’s body language, gave her hand a squeeze, and even kissed her cheek to comfort her.

It partially worked.

***

It took some time, but eventually Sierra and Elise were able to track down a professional fitter. After finding her, Elise explained that Sierra needed to get fitted for a bra.

“Is that okay?” The fitter asked Sierra.

A long pause followed. Sierra was almost paralyzed with fear. She knew that if she talked, the fitter would hear her deep, male voice and then immediately know she wasn’t a “real woman”.

At the same time however, Sierra had to respond. She absolutely couldn’t waste anyone’s time, or embarrass Elise. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she did that.

“Yeah, that’s okay.” Sierra said.

Though she tried to hide it, the fitter’s eyes widened once she heard Sierra’s voice. She didn’t say anything, but Sierra could tell she now knew what was going on.

“Alright then, come with me.”

***

The fitter led Sierra into a private room with a mirror for just the two of them.

“Okay, I’m going to need you to take off your shirt.” The fitter said.

Sierra hesitated for a moment, but slowly she took off her shirt and placed it on the ground, revealing her sports bra.

The fitter got out a measuring tape and when Sierra felt it touch her skin she closed her eyes.

“I’m so sorry.” Sierra said.

“For what? Closing your eyes?” The fitter asked. “You’re not near the first person to do that.”

“Oh…” Sierra said as she felt the fitter wrap the measuring tape all around her chest.

Needless to say, Sierra was very uncomfortable during the entire experience. There was a complete stranger in the room, looking at and measuring her breasts. It was embarrassing. And soon that person would see her breasts without the bra on. There was no way she could- no, now was not the time for those kinds of thoughts. She could do this. “Courage.” Sierra thought to herself.

“Okay, I’m gonna need you to take your bra off.”

With her eyes still closed, Sierra took a deep breath. This was it. The moment she had been dreading had finally come. But she had to get through this. After getting this far, she couldn’t let anyone down.

Very slowly, Sierra felt around her bra with both of her hands and fiddled with the clasps until it unhooked and fell onto the floor. At least, it was going to fall on the floor.

“Sorry.” The fitter said as she caught Sierra’s bra midfall. “Wouldn’t want this to get dirty, right?”

“Mmm.”

The fitter then proceeded to wrap the measuring tape all around Sierra’s breasts. It felt weird and uncomfortable but Sierra tried to keep her mind off it and instead focus it on more pleasant things. Like making out with Elise. That thought always made her happy.

“34A.” The fitter said after a while.

“What?”

“34A, it’s your bra size.”

“Is that big?”

“Not really.” The fitter answered. “For you it should be a normal size.”

“Oh…” Sierra finally opened her eyes, then looked down and remembered she was topless. “Umm… can I put my bra back on?” She asked.

“Of course.” The fitter handed her bra back, to which Sierra quickly put it on.

“Okay then… uh, thank you.” Sierra said.

“Oh, you’re welcome.” The fitter said. “But we’re not done yet.”

“We’re not?”

“Not if you want some fitting bras.”

“Umm… okay.”

“Hey, if you could get through that, then you can get through this. We’re just going to be trying on some bras to see which ones fit.”

“Uh… yeah.” Sierra said. “I can do that.”

The fitter smiled. “I know you can. I mean, the fitting wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Sierra looked back at her reflection and to her surprise managed a smile. “No, I guess it wasn’t.”

It was a long process of trying on bra after bra, finding the ones that fit and the ones that didn’t. To her surprise, Sierra wasn’t really bothered by being topless in front of the fitter anymore. She didn’t even close her eyes. The fitter had proven that she was a trustworthy person, and that she was only trying to help. There was no reason to be embarrassed or afraid around her.

Throughout the whole process, Sierra could tell the fitter knew she was trans. She never said anything about it, but she did treat Sierra as if wearing bras and having breasts were new things for her, when, for the average seventeen year old girl, they obviously shouldn’t be.

And even more obviously, it wasn’t as if the fitter was wrong.

At least she wasn’t condescending about it.

***

Sierra rubbed the back of her neck. “You know, I think I’m gonna go now.”

“Really?” The fitter asked. “I mean, I guess we did get a lot done. But are you sure that’s enough bras?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’m working on a limited budget here.”

“Fair.”

“Yeah, I also don’t have that much time right now.”

“People are always in such a rush these days.” The fitter said.

Sierra gave out a light chuckle. “Uh, yeah… goodbye, then.” She was about to turn around and leave before the fitter spoke again.

“Hey.” She said. “You’re not alone, you know. Most women are afraid to get bra fittings. Heck, I’m afraid to get them sometimes. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it. You did very well.”

Sierra wasn’t sure how to respond to that statement. She suspected that this was the fitter’s way of saying she knew Sierra was trans without actually saying it. Or her way of giving her encouragement. Or both. Whatever it was, it was moderately helpful. Sierra already kind of guessed most women were afraid to get bra fittings, but it was still reassuring to actually hear it.

“Thank you.” Sierra said eventually. “For everything.”

“No problem.”

***

Elise was sitting on a bench as Sierra came walking toward her with a bag in her hand.

“I’m back.”

Elise looked up from her phone. “Did you find what you were looking for?”

“Yep, I got three bras.” Sierra opened the bag and showed it to Elise.

“Only black and white? What happened to being adventurous?” Elise asked sarcastically.

“Okay, you try saying you want a hot pink bra while you’re half naked in front of a stranger.”

“Now I’ve never done anything like that." Elise replied. "But if I wanted to I could.”

“I’d like to see it.” Sierra responded. “I want video proof too.”

"Pfft, like I need that." Elise remarked. "Everyone knows I'm the bold one in this relationship."

"You're the bold one?" Sierra questioned. "Did you ask me out or did I ask you out?"

"Well, of course you asked me out. You were a guy."

Immediately after saying that Elise shut her mouth and became worried, scared she said something wrong that would offend Sierra.

Sierra stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, then took a deep breath and finally started talking.

"I was a guy?" Sierra asked. "Not one of my better moments."

Elise giggled as the tension inside her was released.

***

Sierra and Elise went to pay for all the new clothes, which amounted to four sets of panties and three bras. Fortunately for them, their total price did not go over the amount of money they both had, and they were able to pay it off, no problem.

“How am I gonna wash all this?” Sierra asked as she walked away from the register.

“Like you did the sports bras. They weren’t a problem to wash.”

“Yeah but now we’re adding a lot more stuff.” Sierra pointed out. “It’s much easier to wash three things than seven.”

“Just think of it as another challenge to overcome.” Elise said. “You’ll figure it out.”

“I hope so.” Sierra said back.

***

The sun was shining harshly down onto the pavement outside the mall. The heat was almost unbearable. It was the kind of heat that made one sweat simply by walking.

Luckily, there was an unoccupied bench lying in the shade that could mask the rays of heat fairly well. Sierra let out a breath as soon as she sat on it.

“God, why do people even like the summer?” She asked.

“Obviously because school’s out.” Elise answered.

“Yeah but that’s kids. What about adults?”

“Well… maybe they’re just too used to thinking of summer as being ‘that time when school’s out’ and are still programmed to like it.”

“You really think that?” Sierra asked.

“I don’t know.” Elise replied. “I guess we’ll find out next year, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess we will.” Sierra said. “Can you believe we only have one more year of high school left? The beginning of freshman year felt like yesterday. How did it happen so fast?”

“I wish I knew. I don’t even know if I’m ready to graduate yet. To leave all my friends behind… it feels like too much.”

Sierra leaned in and put a hand on Elise’s shoulder. “You know, my father told me something about that that really helped me. He said that we’re all going to start our new lives, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to leave our close friends behind. We can still keep in touch, and these days with technology, it’s easier than ever. And hey, you don’t have to be ready to graduate right now. We still have another year left.”

It was after a few seconds of silence that Elise sighed. “Thanks… that, that was really helpful.”

“You’re welcome.” Sierra said. “And who knows? Maybe next year you’ll be begging to graduate.”

Elise laughed. “We’ll see about that.”

***

And so began the drive home.

As Sierra watched the roads and trees go by outside the car window, she had a smile on her face and a gleam in her eyes.

It was a good trip.

All that she did that day, she still had a hard time believing it. She went outside in public without a sweatshirt. She used the women’s bathroom. She bought panties and bras, with one of those sets of panties being pink no less. And most of all, she got professionally fitted for a bra.

From a logical perspective, all her accomplishments were rather mundane and insignificant. Not anything worth caring or celebrating about. But that wasn’t what they felt like.

When Sierra did those things, she felt like she was on top of the world. Like she could do anything and everything that life threw at her. It was thrilling. The kind of thrilling that made her hungry for more.

"If you don't do this today, you never will."

Sierra had been using that slogan ever since she first bought the sports bras a few months back. To say the slogan was helpful would be an understatement. Any time Sierra was too afraid, too nervous, or too lazy to do something, she'd simply think of that slogan. And then she’d find the motivation or courage to do it.

She didn't use it for everything, but she could always count on it when she needed. She could be sure it was always there to help her.

Now, Sierra had a new slogan. Given to her by Elise, it was a slogan that had also helped her many times in the past. And she intended to stand by it for as long as she could.

“Just take it one step at a time.”

Home, sweet home.

After spending hours in a loud and crowded shopping mall, it was nice to finally be somewhere more private and quiet. With the thrill of her few accomplishments mostly gone, Sierra was able to relish in the calmness.

Once Sierra came in through the front door, she collapsed onto her living room couch almost immediately, just like she did every day after work. Elise, not wanting to pester her in any way, simply let her lay there as she left for the bathroom.

And lay there Sierra did, until, eventually, she had to get up to put her clothes away.

***

Sierra shut the door of her safe with a look of uncertainty. The good news? All the clothes managed to fit inside the small space. The bad news? She wasn’t sure if she was doing the right thing.

“You can’t keep this going forever.”

Those words, Elise’s words, were repeated in Sierra’s mind like a broken record. And as much as she hated to admit it, Elise was right. She couldn’t hide this forever. At some point, sooner or later, she would have to come out.

It was just a matter of when that would happen.

Sierra sighed. She was only three days away from her parents coming home. When she came out, they would be the first people to know. How would they react? She’d ask that question so many times and yet could never find a definitive answer to it. Would they be happy? Mad? Confused? Skeptical even? It was hard to tell.

There was a part of Sierra, though, that always feared the worst. What if her parents didn’t believe her? Or thought she was insane? What if they got angry about her taking female hormones behind their backs?

If they got angry about that… then what would they do? Force Sierra to get rid of the hormones? Force her to quit her job? Commit her to a mental hospital, even?

In all fairness, that last one was definitely a stretch, but it still remained that Sierra wasn’t prepared to face any of her parents’ possible reactions.

But someday, she’d have to be. And that day was coming closer and closer.

And what of her classmates at school? How would they react? Probably pretty badly, Sierra had figured that one out a long time ago. But exactly how badly? Would she just be avoided and looked upon as “weird”, or would she have to face daily, non-stop bullying and harassment?

Whatever it was, she was deathly afraid to find out. And it was very tempting for her to make it so that she never had to.

She could return to hiding her body in sweatshirts. She could even buy a binder and wear it during gym class so her breasts wouldn’t be visible. She could continue to use all the male facilities. So many steps could be taken to ensure no one would find out who she was.

But is that what she wanted?

Sierra had a once in a lifetime opportunity here. One that she didn’t want to waste.

The ability to live as a girl in high school.

Even if it was only for one year, this was a chance she'd never have again. She couldn’t just let it pass her by.

Living as a girl in high school. What would that be like? Sierra was begging to find out, but she also knew not to get her hopes too high up. She wasn’t gullible enough to believe that depictions of high school female life in movies or TV shows were realistic. Obviously the media does a lot of exaggerating for effect. And that applies to TG stories taking place in high school as well, “For a Girl” definitely included. But even the thought of living a normal, non-romanticized female life in high school was simply too exhilarating for her to bear.

Sierra soon became entranced by her own thoughts and smiled in pure bliss. She imagined herself wearing a prom dress, dancing with Elise and holding her close. She was always jealous of girls at prom and homecoming, seeing them wear those beautiful and extravagant dresses. Now, Sierra had the chance to make that her reality.

What color would her dress be? Blue, to match her eyes? Or a brownish yellow, to match her hair? She was having so much fun just imagining all the possibilities in her head. Finding the right dress to bring out her full beauty. Sierra had always wondered if girls truly liked being beautiful, and wearing dresses for special events, but for a brief moment she didn’t care. If she wanted it, then it was okay.

Sierra’s trance was broken shortly after starting. That same part of her was coming out again, yelling at her for being a pervert. And maybe she was a pervert, fantasizing about something she could never have. Something that, for all she knew, girls could hate.

Sierra walked out of her room without making a sound. She had a lot on her mind. Hopefully one day, she’d have it all figured out.

***

“There you are!” Elise declared as she saw Sierra descend the staircase. “You were up there forever. How long does it take to put a few clothes away?”

Apparently her mental contemplations lasted longer than she initially thought. “Uh, sorry.” Sierra said. “I didn’t mean to be up there that long.”

“I’ll say.”

Sierra gave an awkward chuckle. “Uhh… what time is it?” She asked.

Elise checked her phone. “3:28.”

“Wow, that late?”

“Yeah.” Elise answered. “We did a lot today.”

“I guess you’re right.” Sierra said. “So, uh, do you have to leave soon?”

“I don’t know. I think today I could probably push my luck.”

Sierra nodded. “Okay.”

“So… what do you want to do now?” Elise asked.

“Uh… oh! I almost forgot!” Sierra exclaimed. “We only have three more chapters left of ‘For a Girl’, I think we could finish it today!”

“Three?” Elise asked. “No, I don’t think I could do that.”

“Well… one of them is an epilogue that’s only like a thousand words.” Sierra explained. “Does that work for you?”

Elise paused for a brief moment. “Hmm… okay, I can do that.”

“Great!” Sierra got her phone out. “Before we start, though, I just want you to know. This next chapter does have a scene with attempted rape, are you still okay with reading it?”

“Oh please, I can take anything.”

The twelfth chapter of “For a Girl” started off with a bang. Really. O2bxx wasn’t fucking around here.

Immediately in the first paragraph, Stephanie gets grabbed, punched, and then forced into a room where her hands get tied to a pipe. It all happens just as quickly for Stephanie in universe as it does for the reader out of universe.

And then, of course, in the midst of her torment, Stephanie raises her head to see her captor, Andy Marks.

Andy Marks, who started off the story as the classic bully character, has now gone completely mad and attempts to rape Stephanie. She even pulls a knife on her and threatens to kill her if she doesn’t cooperate. It was all around a pretty dark and intense scene, with the only relief being a kind of meta joke.

After screaming for help, Stephanie sadly remarks that no one will come because, unlike in Hollywood, there was no director to cue the hero. And then Hal immediately shows up, because there was an author to cue the hero. It probably wasn’t even written as a joke but Sierra still found it a little amusing.

The scene ends with one of the side characters, Mark Williams (who’s nicknamed “BMW”), successfully subduing Marks after Hal’s failure. Stephanie then refuses to report Marks to any authority, stating that she wanted her to get her comeuppance “on her own terms”.

And then the confrontation scene happens…

***

“Wait, that’s where this was all leading up to?” Elise asked.

“Yep.” Sierra answered.

“So that whole scene… the one where he tried to rape her… it was just building up to a twist where Andy Marks is… trans?”

“I wouldn’t put it that way.” Sierra responded. “But yes, the big twist with Andy Marks is that she is jealous of Stephanie and wants to be a girl herself.”

“That feels so forced.”

Sierra sighed. “It is, but this story was written almost twenty years ago. What can we do about it now?”

“Make fun of it.”

“Yeah, basically.”

***

Sierra’s problems with the Andy Marks subplot had long since been set in stone. From the very first time she read the story, she had known why she disliked it so much. And it all could be summed up with three specific problems.

First, it means that the only trans character is a rapist, which is obviously all kinds of problematic. And it actually gets even worse than that, because, by the story’s own explicit words, Andy Marks isn’t just a rapist who happens to want to be a girl, she is a rapist because she wants to be a girl. Her desire to be female is inextricably connected to her being a rapist. One could argue that the story was written in a different time, but how far does that excuse this really awful depiction of trans people?

Second, it isn’t developed believably. All Stephanie does is look at Marks’s facial expressions and somehow she is able to discern her entire motivation for every action she takes. It’s extremely contrived and hinges on Stephanie being a mind reader.

And third, the entire twist is revealed through a painfully unrealistic power fantasy. Stephanie simply shames and humiliates Marks in front of the entire school, and then she runs out into the hallway, balling her eyes out without a shred of dignity. The reality is that most rapists can not be shamed into submission. Even when one exposes their crimes they can still deny their guilt, or many times even gaslight the victim into thinking they’re delusional. The whole confrontation scene was just another contrived event that could only happen in fiction.

After the confrontation scene there’s one last paragraph where Stephanie hopes Andy Marks can create a new, better life for herself after high school. That she’ll get the help she needs and become a better person. After that, Andy Marks departs the story for good. And since she isn’t mentioned again in the epilogue, it’s as if she was never even there in the first place.

Perhaps that’s for the best. The story is almost over at this point and the reader shouldn’t be focused on what is such a messy subplot. Maybe if the story was written today, Andy Marks’s character would’ve been handled more tactfully, but as it stands, it’s a relic of an age when the only depictions of transgender people were that of psychotic criminals.

***

“This whole subplot, from the first time I read it, never sat right with me.” Sierra said. “Just like the principal spanking scene, it felt really wrong and out of place.”

Elise looked over to Sierra. “Can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“It hurt you, didn’t it?”

At first Sierra was confused. What was Elise trying to get at? Obviously this story hadn’t hurt her. She’d be an idiot to let a work of fiction affect her in such a negative way.

“What do you mean?”

“Andy Marks wants to be a girl, and is a rapist because of it.” Elise explained. “That made you feel bad about yourself, didn’t it?”

Sierra thought about it. Had she really felt that deeply about this subplot? That was ridiculous! It was just a fictional story.

So why did she have such a hard time denying Elise’s statement?

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Sierra said firmly.

Elise sighed. “Okay.”

***

After the Andy Marks subplot was finished, the next major part of the chapter was spent on Stephanie and Hal having oral sex for the first time. Specifically, Stephanie giving Hal a blowjob.

In a way, it could be argued that this was one of the most important scenes in the story. It marked the moment when Stephanie was finally willing to have sex with a man. The story had been building up to this for a while, and now it was finally here.

There was even a part where Stephanie was confronted with the old male voice of Jack, still inside her, demanding that she stop. And in spite of this, Stephanie manages to push through and give Hal that blowjob.

Even when the thoughts in her head try to bring her down, Stephanie still manages to be and accept who she is.

Perhaps Sierra could learn a thing or two from Stephanie.

***

“I can’t help but point out that this chapter was the first time that we, the readers, were ever told that GB victims could only get pregnant one year after their transformation.” Sierra said.

“You know, for someone who hates CinemaSins, you sure do criticize stuff like them.” Elise replied.

“I’m just pointing it out.” Sierra said in her defense. “I’m not here making shitty videos about it, pretending I’m better in some way. And I mean, this is worth at least pointing out right? I have a feeling this plot point was put in so Stephanie and Hal have an excuse to have sex without a condom.”

Elise laughed. “My god, CinemaSins gets you so fired up. Why do you hate them so much anyway? They just make silly joke videos.”

“Because they’re not funny at all, and their style of criticism has influenced how people critique media.” Sierra said. “In a very, very bad way.”

“Maybe online, but offline people seem to be doing fine.” Elise said. “Maybe if you didn’t spend ten hours on the internet every day you’d stop taking a youtube channel so damn seriously.”

Sierra scoffed. “Whatever.”

“There’s something I’ve been wondering about, with these stories.” Sierra said. “Something I’ve been wondering for a while.”

Elise looked up from the phone. “What is it?”

“Well… it’s a question. One that’s a bit hard to answer.” Sierra replied. “It’s just, is Stephanie a trans character? Beyond that, are the main characters of TG stories trans characters?”

Elise pursed her lips. “It’s a good question… I guess it depends on your perspective.”

“Yeah. I mean, functionally they are trans, right? They were born male and then become female. In real life, that’s the very basic experience of a transgender woman. So, that would make them trans.” Sierra explained. “You know, I remember reading someone online say that these old TG stories were sort of a way to write a trans character without actually saying that’s what you’re doing.”

Elise nodded. “True, but I think the author’s perspective is important too. I mean, it’s pretty clear that in this story, the author doesn’t consider Stephanie a trans character. Hell, I don’t even know if they consider Andy Marks a trans character.”

“Leaves a lot open to interpretation.”

“Yeah, and don’t you think clear representation is important?” Elise asked. “If all trans characters were just random guys turning into girls, wouldn’t that feel cheap?”

“It’s at least better than portraying trans people as serial killers.” Sierra said sadly. “I don’t know, it probably would feel cheap. I can’t say exactly, because I wasn’t around when all these old gender bending comics and Fictionmania stories were first coming out.”

Sierra sighed. “Maybe someone from that time would have a better answer.”

***

Elise failed to keep in a laugh as Sierra groaned.

“He gave me a playful pat on the butt?” Elise asked.

“I swear this story is so fucking strange sometimes.” Sierra said. “Literally a middle aged man touching a teenage girl’s butt and it gets laughed off. That’s not funny, it’s fucking gross.”

***

The thirteenth chapter was the end of many things in “For a Girl”. The end of the main plot, the end of the character arcs, the end of the characters’ high school days, but first, it was the end of the race scenes.

This was another plotline that the entire story had been building up to. Stephanie racing and finally showing what she is capable of in the nationals. Surpassing all of the obstacles that held her back before, including GB and Melody McCarthy, the girl whose school prevented her from racing with girls in the first place.

Just like in the first race at the beginning of the story, Stephanie runs for a time rather than a victory. As a guy, she aimed to break the 4 minute barrier. As a girl, she aimed to break Mary Decker’s time of 4:42, which in 2003, was the fastest mile time ever recorded for a high school girl.

And just like in the first race, Stephanie both wins and achieves her goal.

When Stephanie first got GB, she thought her life was over. Her running career would forever be tainted as being that of a woman’s. And in her mind, that made it lesser. She would never be able to achieve the times she used to, and for that reason she decides to give up. Racing as a girl would never carry the same meaning and sense of accomplishment that racing as a guy would.

But throughout the story, she was proven wrong. When she races as a girl, she still feels that same rush that comes with ambition, effort, and success. By pushing through, she learns that becoming a girl will never stop her from doing what she loves.

It was such a beautiful and satisfying thing to read.

Sierra could not possibly overstate how badly she wanted to be Stephanie when reading this story. To be a male who got the chance to transform into a female. To be such a beautiful and attractive young woman with an amazing talent. To be one of the best and most successful athletes in history. It would be a dream come true.

Really, who wouldn’t want to be Stephanie? She had such an amazing life, with seemingly everything figured out, and a bunch of friends who supported her. “For a Girl” made being a woman seem like the greatest thing on Earth. Why couldn’t real life be more like that?

Even though she’d never know the answer, Sierra did sometimes wonder if the author wanted to be Stephanie too.

***

When Sierra went to her junior prom a few weeks earlier, she wore one of her fanciest and nicest looking suits. At the time, the hormones had changed her body quite considerably, but fortunately her outfit was able to hide everything well.

She remembered that busy and eventful day fondly. She had gone to Elise’s house in the afternoon and got an instant smile plastered on her face once she saw her. Elise had the most beautiful dress on alongside a perfect combination of makeup and hair styling. Sierra was so enraptured by her appearance that Elise had to snap her fingers in front of her to get her back to reality.

Sierra then drove them both down to Amanda’s house to pick her up. Once they got there, they went to the front door and were greeted by Amanda, and her large golden retriever.

Sierra had not known that Amanda had a dog, and as such she panicked and immediately ran back to the car. Sierra’s friend group knew about her fear of dogs, and for the most part it was treated as a joke. Elise and Amanda did hold back the dog from chasing after her, but that didn’t stop them from laughing once they got to the car, much to Sierra’s annoyance and embarrassment.

At first Amanda wasn’t able to get a prom date, but eventually she agreed to go with one of the football guys named Xavier. Once they picked him up, they did a photoshoot, went to eat at some mildly fancy restaurant, and then headed off.

The night was incredible. Sierra had recently made a vow to allow herself more physical contact, and she was glad she did. She had forgotten how good it could feel to have Elise’s arms wrapped around her. To have her head rested on her shoulder.

To have her lips locked onto hers.

There was a moment, during a slow song, when Sierra and Elise embraced each other in a long, deep kiss that seemed like it lasted forever. It was as if Sierra was transported to another world, where the only things that mattered were her, Elise, and that kiss. It was a memory that made Sierra smile every time she thought of it.

But throughout the whole night, something still felt wrong.

Just like at homecoming, Sierra was extremely jealous of all the girls at the dance. To see them in those dresses of theirs invoked a strong sense of longing. Deep inside, she wanted to wear those dresses, and while she could fight those feelings enough to still have a good time, she could never banish them away fully.

Was this all why she was connecting so deeply with the prom scenes in “For a Girl”? Was it out of a longing and a wonder of what it could really be like?

When Stephanie is getting ready for her night at prom, it's treated as a special and almost magical experience. One that brings tears to her eyes. Stephanie even bonds with her mother during it, each sharing delight in the process.

Is that how going to prom as a girl would feel? Magical? An exaggeration, probably, but “For a Girl” certainly portrayed it as such. Stephanie attends to dance after dance, with each one having an almost grandiose atmosphere, as if Stephanie is experiencing the opportunity of a lifetime.

And that wasn’t even to mention the final dance in the story, where, in a very sweet moment, Stephanie takes Arleen, the lesbian character, and dances with her during a slow song. In the end, she kisses Arleen deeply on the lips, giving her a memory she deserves to have.

Really, the only missed opportunity here was that Stephanie never has a final dance with Sue. That could’ve been a really nice and sweet moment but sadly it never happens.

Could dancing with a girl, as a girl, feel as good as it did for Stephanie in this story? Could it be the opportunity of a lifetime? Could it feel magical? Sierra wondered.

There was another part to these scenes that got Sierra wondering as well. During the night, Stephanie has a heartfelt conversation with her former girlfriend Sue, where they both express a slight sense of longing for their old relationship. They then embrace in a bittersweet hug.

But beyond that, this was the moment when Stephanie realized this would be the last time that their graduating class would all be together. After that night they would each depart and go on to live their own lives. It was, again, bittersweet, because while they would all go on to start a new chapter in their lives, they would be leaving everything in this chapter behind, and possibly never see each other again. While Stephanie is a bit saddened by this, she still sees it as a necessary part of growing up.

It got Sierra wondering, how would it feel the next year, when her class graduates? Would it be bittersweet like it was in “For a Girl”? Or would it be more exciting, as it would represent the true start of her adult life?

What if it didn’t invoke any feeling? Would that be bad? Sierra wasn’t sure.

And what of her fellow classmates? Would she ever see them again? Would she ever want to see them again? Surely, her close friends she would keep in contact with, but everyone else? There didn’t seem to be any way to know what the future held in that area.

Of course, in the 2020s keeping in contact with people was easier than ever. With the expansion of the internet, social media, and cell phones becoming widespread, the feeling of leaving your graduating class forever was not as strong as it was when “For a Girl” was written.

But it wasn’t as if that feeling was completely gone.

Sierra had a lot of questions about graduation, and it seemed she wouldn’t have the answers until next year.

***

After a week of reading “For a Girl” throughout multiple different sessions, Sierra and Elise were finally here. The climax of the story.

The sex scene.

Stephanie and Hal’s acts of intimacy had been slowly escalating over the course of the story, going from hugging to kissing to making out and then to oral sex. And now, the obvious final step was traditional PiV sex.

A lot of TG stories seemed to view PiV sex as a way to show that the MC has fully accepted themselves as a woman. It is the point where they overcome their male pride, and are able to be at peace with their new body.

And really, this last sex scene was very important to Stephanie’s overall character arc. By allowing Hal to make love to her, she fully comes to peace with her status as a woman, and completes her mental transition from male to female.

That wasn’t the only context to these scenes, however, as in the story, it’s stated that in the small town of Milford, having sex with a guy is sort of seen as a rite of passage for a girl. When a girl allows a guy to enter her body, she becomes a woman.

So, in a sense, there were two different character transitions happening at the same time. Stephanie was going from male to female, as well as going from a girl to a woman.

And she finishes both of those transitions in strides, losing her virginity in the most heavenly of ways. Paragraph after paragraph of buildup leads to her exploding into the most mind-shatteringly fantastic orgasm of her life.

Stephanie and Hal both collapse onto the bed after their lovemaking, continuing to caress and embrace each other until their bodies inevitably start reacting again, hungry for more.

The last two lines of the chapter represented the end of Stephanie’s character arc. It had taken a long journey to get there, but eventually she could come to proudly declare that she was a woman and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sierra could just imagine the day when she’d be able to say that.

That would be a great day.

At just over a thousand words, there wasn’t really all that much to the epilogue. In fact, if they wanted to, the reader could just stop at Chapter 13 and they wouldn’t miss much. Like most epilogues, it served mainly to round out the story rather than continue it.

The epilogue itself started with a flash forward to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, China. As she prepares for the widely anticipated women’s 1500m race, Stephanie reflects on her long journey the few years before. After graduation, she took a scholarship to Stanford University and partook in one of the best track programs in the United States. As time went on and she pushed her body further and further, she moved up the ranks. She placed second in the US Championships and sixth in the World Cup. She then won the US Olympic trials, and after all that effort and running, she finally landed a spot in the Olympics.

The announcer introduces Stephanie to the crowd, and as she walks out into the field she sees her mother in the stands. She recounts how her mother was finally able to get back into college and finish her degree. In her forties, she was finally finding her own path in life.

The rest of the epilogue continued in a similar direction, with Stephanie recounting what each of her close friends had been doing the past few years. It was the classic “where are they now” trope. Cheesy, but also endearing.

Hal had remained a friend to Stephanie, but since he was going to college on another side of the country, the two ended their romantic relationship. It was a bit of a subversion of the whole “falling in love with your best friend” trope that TG stories used a lot, and Sierra really liked it. It felt like the more realistic and mature ending rather than having them stay together, and it got the point across that once a person graduates high school, a lot of what happens in that time of their lives gets left behind.

Sierra had thought a lot about the future of her relationship with Elise, and reading this made her think about it again. Would she have to break up with Elise after graduation next year? That question never got comfortable to ask no matter how many times it popped into her head.

Putting that aside, Stephanie then talks about how Sue, her former girlfriend, went to Ivy League and graduated from Yale Law School. She currently lived in Washington, and was preparing for a career in politics (hopefully on the side of the left, and not on the side of the capitalist, imperialist U.S. establishment, Sierra thought).

As for the rest of the characters, Becky and BMW were married and expecting a child, Arleen had found a girlfriend in San Francisco and was finally free to be herself, Tamara had married and become a mother, and Jeri joined the military, all the while still struggling with being a woman. Sierra still wondered if Jeri was supposed to be a trans man. The story was very unclear in that area.

For some of the characters, it’s never revealed what happened to them. Stephanie’s old coach, “Coach Bradford”, is mentioned but it’s never said what became of him. Beth, the third character from the Girl School plotline, had seemingly disappeared from the story altogether. The reader also never learns what happened to Stephanie’s old male rival, Kevin Tilden, but for him it made sense why Stephanie wouldn’t keep in touch.

It was the same deal for the “bad” characters. The reader never learns what happened to Melody McCarthy. Maybe she began a successful career in Track as well, or maybe she didn’t. The principal is mentioned, and Stephanie says how her experience with him made her realize how much she loved submitting to a man (which Sierra thought was a pretty gross way to use a scene depicting sexual assault), but what happened to him is a mystery. And Andy Marks was, again, not mentioned at all.

The reader is left to assume that the Principal and Andy Marks received no real consequences for their crimes. And, in a bit of fridge horror, they are also left to assume that the Principal is still employed at the school district, left to sexually harass and assault more vulnerable young girls.

At the end, it’s said that GB was still a mystery. Even after all those years no one was able to find out where it came from. In fact, a new variant of GB had apparently begun making the rounds; one that turned girls into boys. There was a lot of potential for a universe here, one that centered around GB and its consequences on society, but sadly that never happened.

In one of the last paragraphs, Stephanie is called to the starting line along with all the other women. The gun goes off, and then the story ends.

So… what now? Sierra had been thinking about this story, on and off again in her head a lot this past week, but to what end? What was the significance? What did it all mean?

Maybe Sierra wouldn’t find a specific answer, but she could try. The story certainly gave a lot to ponder over.

“For a Girl”, despite being arguably the most popular and well known online TG story, was in many ways, quite controversial, and after reading it again Sierra had to concede that some of the things she’d seen people say against it were understandable.

The forced het would always be a little off-putting. No matter how many times Sierra thought about it she could never accept it. Why did TG stories at the time do it? And why did it always have to be a straight man turning into a straight woman? Why couldn’t it be a gay man turning into a straight woman? Or a straight man turning into a lesbian? Or why not just have the main character be bi? TG stories nowadays were generally a lot better when dealing with the complexities of human sexuality, but back in the 2000s, it just seemed to be the case that at no point was the main character allowed to be gay.

To give “For a Girl” some credit, it did have a lesbian character, and it did feature some “girl-on-girl action”, but its usage of the forced het trope could never be fully overlooked.

There was another common trope that “For a Girl” used, that some had brought up against old TG stories, and that was brainwashing. Essentially, brainwashing was the process of forcibly altering the main character’s mind to make them like being a girl, even if they wouldn’t have otherwise.

In general, the ways that TG stories handled the process of mental acceptance could be divided into four directions. The first was to make the main character trans, something that had become a lot more popular in recent times. The second was to leave things ambiguous or make the main character “flexible”. With this, it is never officially confirmed whether the main character is trans (though it may be implied), but it is shown that they are able to accept their new body, without outside interference.

Another direction, one that was rarely used, was having an explicitly cis character transform and then experience dysphoria. Sierra could recall a few stories that did this and she always found them interesting. It was a neat subversion of the standard TG formula.

And then there was brainwashing, the most controversial of all. Making the main character like being a girl, outside of their own volition. Sometimes it was left ambiguous as to whether or not brainwashing had actually happened. Sometimes there was a bit of overlap between making the main character “flexible” and brainwashing them. And sometimes, like in “For a Girl”, it was directly confirmed that brainwashing was taking place.

But how exactly does the author show that the main character is being brainwashed? Well, there were a few ways. One of the most common was to force feminine thoughts and feelings into their head. This could range from anything from wanting to look pretty to wanting to wear female clothing to wanting to wear makeup and stuff like that. Sometimes these thoughts would be framed as distressing and intrusive. Sierra had even coined the term “intrusive feminine thoughts” to describe them.

Was it sexist? Absolutely, but it got the job done.

In the case of “For a Girl”, Sierra thought the story kind of shot itself in the foot by using this trope. Stephanie’s character arc largely revolved around learning to accept and love being a girl. To become the best girl she could be. So, when the story says that GB victims are brainwashed to like being female, doesn’t that sort of cheapen that entire arc? Doesn’t it make it feel less satisfying? Less earned? Wouldn’t the arc be more impactful and powerful if Stephanie wasn’t brainwashed?

It seemed “For a Girl” had more missed opportunities than Sierra first thought. It was almost as if its frequent use of problematic TG tropes was detrimental to its overall story.

This was a more minor point but “For a Girl” also played directly into the stereotype that women are more emotional than men. And by “directly”, Sierra meant that it just flat out said women are more emotional. The story took an older than dirt stereotype about women and accepted it at face value as the truth without any further consideration.

There were quite a few TG stories that did this, and they always rubbed Sierra the wrong way. No, women were not more emotional than men, and it was sexist to suggest otherwise. Sierra suspected that some might defend “For a Girl” by saying that in the story, the stereotype was treated as a positive, desirable trait rather than a negative one. This is true, but defending the story in this way would be missing the point. When it comes to stereotypes, it doesn’t matter if they are portrayed as positive or not, if they are portrayed at all, it furthers any harm they cause in the real world.

But all of these tropes paled in comparison to how the story treated sexual assault.

The principal spanking scene was the most egregious example of this, but it actually extended further beyond that. The whole story seemed to have a weird attitude toward sex abuse, where it almost seemed to suggest that if the woman secretly wants it, then it’s okay.

Now, perhaps that was going too far, and looking too deeply into things, but when the story frames a middle aged man touching a teenage girl’s butt as “playful” and shows Stephanie laughing the incident off, could you really blame someone for coming away with that impression?

The way some TG stories treated sexual assault was in Sierra’s mind, the worst TG trope of all. It was one she was more than happy with to leave in the past.

So yeah, “For a Girl” was, in some ways, really messed up. In fact, a lot of old Fictionmania stories were really messed up. And for Sierra, she often found herself asking if she should be ashamed for liking these stories.

Should she? Well, after years of reading them, she believed she had finally found the answer. But it would take a long time to explain.

For starters, she could not possibly overstate how “For a Girl”, and Fictionmania stories in general for that matter, were products of their time. Some of these stories were over twenty years old, and while the late 1990s and early 2000s weren’t technically that long ago, they were still pretty different from the 2020s. Especially for LGBT representation and visibility.

They had gotten past the point where gay people were seen as pedophiles, at least for the most part, but not to the point of open acceptance being a common find. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” was still the main philosophy in a lot of places. Hell, this was a time when supporting gay marriage could still be considered “career suicide” for a U.S. poltician. And it wasn’t like there was much representation in the mainstream media, either.

For trans representation, it was even worse. As Sierra had stated before, there was a history of trans people, mainly trans women, being portrayed badly in the media. A lot of old movies and TV shows had them shown as violent criminals. And it was a distinct possibility that this kind of messaging influenced “For a Girl”, as in that story the only trans character was a rapist.

But it was more than just bad portrayals. It was also the fact that there was virtually no positive representation of trans people. Beyond that, a good number of people in society didn’t even fully know what being transgender was. Some even saw being transgender and being a crossdresser as sort of the same thing. And how many people personally knew a transgender person? It couldn’t be that many.

Just like most novels, the way TG stories were written were influenced by the circumstances of their time. Why did old TG stories have so many problematic tropes? Because of the culture of when they were released. It was important to keep that in mind.

TG stories had evolved quite a bit since the Fictionmania era. The older, more problematic tropes were becoming less common, trans characters were becoming more common, and the sexualization was generally being toned down a bit.

And that wasn’t even all, as fully published novels starring trans characters had begun to appear. With novels like “Dreadnought” and “Detransition, Baby”, a lot of Fictionmania stories could feel a bit archaic in comparison. Did that mean they had no value? Obviously not. There were a lot of talented writers on Fictionmania that deserved to be recognized. And these stories were surely a lot more than just a collection of problematic tropes. It was just that sometimes, it was important to take a step back and admit their shortcomings.

They were, just like all media, products of a flawed society.

And even then, how much harm did these stories actually do? They were free online stories on the internet. No one was receiving any profit from their existence. The sites they were posted on were hardly known by the vast majority of the population. You could go and ask any random person on the street what they think of “For a Girl” by O2bxx, or Fictionmania, or TG Storytime, and they’d probably just look at you funny. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who actually knows what you’re talking about.

So no, Sierra shouldn’t feel bad for liking TG stories, or any kind of story for that matter. No matter how messed up they could get, she should never feel like she’s doing something wrong by reading them. Instead, why doesn’t she just sit back and enjoy the damn story. Give the author some appreciation for all the hard work they put in.

Besides, why would “being problematic” only be limited to TG fiction, anyway? There was a ton of literature posted online that was messed up. For instance, fanfiction. Was there anyone out there who would really try to argue that fanfiction was entirely pure? That there weren’t any problematic or sometimes completely messed up examples of it? What about literotica? There were a ton of stories on that site specifically about rape.

Online literature in general could be messed up, it wasn’t just TG stories.

And if Sierra was being honest, it wasn’t like all those tropes in TG stories were messed up. She still found the “falling in love with your best friend” trope pretty sweet.

Speaking of which, the romance between Stephanie and Hal in “For a Girl” put a lot of emphasis on the man being the dominant partner and the woman being the submissive partner in the relationship. A lot of het TG stories did this, and Sierra suspected it was because the author really wanted to get across how the main character is being treated as a woman now.

While Sierra thought about this she had to ask, is this how Elise perceived their relationship? Did she see “Devin” as someone to dominate and protect her? Possibly. She wanted to ask Elise about it but she couldn’t muster up the courage.

Getting back to “For a Girl”, there was a rather interesting line about Stephanie being submissive in the epilogue: “I suspect my desire to be sexually dominated has less to do with my femininity and more to do with my own needs, innate from birth.” So, does this line mean that Stephanie liked being dominated before becoming a woman, and just never knew? If Stephanie never got GB, then would she, as Jack, have sexually submitted to a dominant woman? It left a lot to speculate on.

There was a lot one could speculate on regarding TG stories. For instance, how, in Sierra’s experience, quite a few of them seemed to resemble the writing style of noted sex abuser, Joss Whedon. Funnily enough, in “For a Girl” it’s actually said that Stephanie resembles Michelle Tractenberg, the actress for Dawn in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, so clearly Whedon had some level of definite influence on O2bxx.

Really, Sierra could speculate all day.

But at this point it seemed like she’d be wasting her time.

Now, she had something more pressing stuck in her mind, waiting to be pondered on. Something very deep and personal.

The reasons why she read these stories so much.

There was a belief Sierra held, that in most cases, she believed to be a fact. She had no real way of proving it, she just had an inkling it was true.

“Everyone is hyper-fixated on at least one piece of media”.

Yes, that one piece of media could change overtime, but it still remained true that most people would hyper-fixated on one piece of media at any given time. And for Sierra, that piece of media was TG stories. At all times.

Escapism. Wish fulfillment. Obsession. She always kept coming back to sites like Fictionmania and TG Storytime, and those were the reasons why. She’d always known it, even when she didn’t want to admit it herself.

Sierra had to deal with a lot of hate in her life. Hatred of herself, hatred of her body, hatred of who she was in the world, and that wasn’t even mentioning the hatred from other people, and the hatred from the world.

Every day she went to school, she was hanging around people who would hate her guts if she revealed who she truly was. People who were nice to her, and would befriend her, going on and on about why transgender people were delusional, and deserved to be made fun of. Deserved to be insulted. Deserved to be ostracized.

And what would she do when she heard people say these things? She’d smile and laugh along with them. Oh, how she was good at hiding what she felt. You wouldn’t suspect a thing by looking at her. On the outside, nothing but joy. But on the inside, pain. Lots and lots of pain.

She’d then go online and read a news article about how “transgenderism” was dangerous to society, and needed to be abolished. She’d read all the comments agreeing with the article, and then do the whole process over again. It was a way to keep the fire of self hate burning within her. As much as she hated it, she had to admit that it felt good, in the same way that cutting yourself felt good. It’s wrong, and you know it’s wrong, but it gave off stimuli that were too thrilling to resist.

Sierra had learned long ago to lock the “bad” part of her away. Put it in a cage in the back of her mind. Live as though the cage wasn’t even there. It was an easy way to live, but so, so unbearable. Dull, and devoid of any color. It was as if there was something in her mind preventing her from ever truly being happy.

So, when the hatred of the world came to be too much, she would relieve herself by laying down and going to her secret website. The cage in her mind would, for a brief moment, be allowed to open up. Even if it was temporary, she would be free.

She’d find a story about a man turning into a woman, read it, obsess over it, imagine herself as the main character, then find another story and do it again. She’d have a few moments where she could escape from the cruel world and read about a fictional character getting exactly what she wanted for herself.

“Wouldn’t it be neat”, she thought, if she turned into a girl. She could make such a great girl. And the transformation would be against her will, so it wasn’t as if she wanted it, it just happened to her. She’d be happy as a girl and justify it by saying “I’m just making the best of an unfortunate situation”.

What a great thing to fantasize about. Being a girl. All the opportunities she’d have. She got excited just thinking about it.

But all good things must come to an end.

Soon after she stopped reading, she’d go back to the world, and then walk around as if nothing happened.

For a long time, everything in the world looked hopeless to her.

But now, things were looking like they were changing for the better. Sierra actually had some hope for the future, for once in her life. Her body was much more feminine, and much easier to exist in. And also, she had Elise, a person who’d always be by her side, no matter what.

It’d been a long time, but Sierra could actually feel the color in her life, for the first time in years.

“For a Girl” would likely remain the most favorite story on TG Storytime for decades to come. It was the quintessential 2000s TG story, filled with all the best and worst parts of that genre of literature.

It gave a lot of focus to topics such as misogyny and strength loss, which in most TG stories were usually in the background. Strength loss especially could be inconsistent, as some TG stories had the main character turn into some kind of mythical creature like a vampire or a succubus, with like ten times the strength of a normal human. It was basically as inconsistent as “For a Girl” itself, as sometimes Sierra found herself loving the story and sometimes found herself scratching her head at the bizarre choices made in it.

It was a polarizing story. Some loved it, some hated it. Either way, it would continue to be read and remembered for generations.

After releasing “For a Girl”, O2bxx basically vanished from the internet, and their whereabouts are unknown to this day. Sierra guessed that made sense, since writing stories on the internet for free was a hobby, not a job. The authors owed nothing to any random person online. But still, Sierra wondered where O2bxx was now. It had been nearly twenty years since they had an active online presence, and she hoped they were in a good place, wherever they were.

Reading “For a Girl” again after all these years had brought Sierra a more refined perspective on the story, and to her surprise, she was a bit sad that it was all over. But at the same time, it felt right. She enjoyed picking the story apart to death, but now it was over, and she could move on.

As she finished the story, she made a choice. It was a choice she had pondered for a while, but now, she knew she had to make it a reality.

After years of reading TG stories, she decided that it was time for her to start writing her own.

At the end of Sierra’s neighborhood lay a large, long field. It was flat, full of crops and extended for as far as the eye could see. It almost looked like a farmer’s field, and maybe it was. Sierra couldn’t exactly tell.

Sierra had seen the field many times throughout her life and had oddly fond memories of it. She had never actually been in the field, but it seemed the simple sight of it was enough to remind her of familiarity, comfort, and home.

When Sierra was younger, she often wished to play in the field, and one time, when she was nine, she almost did. She was about to step foot into it before an older man caught her and threatened to tell her parents if she got any closer. Considering that man was dead now, it was kind of a sad memory to think about.

The area between the road and the field made for a good resting place, as it was covered in shade and had an old bench to sit on. After Sierra and Elise finished reading “For a Girl”, this was where they went. Currently they were sitting on that bench, with Sierra’s head resting on Elise’s shoulder.

“I’d say you’re taking on the role of girlfriend pretty well.” Elise giggled.

“What?”

“You’re resting on my shoulder, you know, like the girlfriend does.”

“Oh.” Sierra sat up straight. “I, uh, was just a little dazed.”

“Hey, it’s not a bad thing.” Elise assured her. “I think it’s cute.”

Sierra blushed. “Well… you know, I… um…” She forced a cough. “So… did you really like that story, like for real?”

“I already told you, yes.” Elise replied. “I mean… there were some parts of it that were a bit weird but for the most part I liked it.”

“That’s nice to hear.” Sierra said. “Again, it was one of my favorites when I was fourteen, but I guess it’s kind of soured on me now. It’s interesting to hear what you think of it, especially with it having had such a huge impact on TG fiction.”

Sierra rubbed her forehead. “Actually, ‘For a Girl’ is kind of mainstream.”

“Mainstream?” Elise asked. “What on Earth are you talking about?”

“Maybe not really ‘mainstream’ but apparently the story has been cited in a few reports on transgender people. I found that out after looking it up.” Sierra said. “You know, I think it’s a bit funny. The story itself doesn’t technically have anything to do with transgender people, but whenever it’s discussed in the mainstream, that’s the only lens people see it in. It seems that, no matter what, TG stories are just seen as trans stories, regardless of if they even have a trans character or not. It’s like an identity they can’t escape.”

“And is that a bad thing?” Elise asked.

“I honestly couldn’t even begin to answer that.”

***

“Hey…” Sierra said. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about that site we’ve been reading on.”

“What is it?” Elise asked.

“It’s, uh… you know how I said quite a few stories on that site had some problematic or ‘yikesy’ stuff that most readers today wouldn’t like?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, it actually goes further than that.” Sierra explained. “There was this controversy some time ago when a foreign troll came onto the site and posted a bunch of low quality stories. They spammed the front page with low-effort garbage and even gave their own stories five star reviews.”

“And that was against the rules?”

“Yep, but they didn’t get banned. Caused a huge controversy on the site. It only got worse when they started posting hate speech. A bunch of people were begging to get that user removed, and the moderator of the site responded in probably the worst way possible.”

“They agreed with the user?”

“Second worst.” Sierra corrected herself. “Basically they said they did not want to infringe on ‘free speech’, and that the site wasn’t a transgender support site. So the user stayed up, the hate speech stayed up, and a bunch of authors left the site in anger.”

“Hmm.” Elise responded. “And is this user still there?”

“No.” Sierra answered. “They did get banned, eventually. But by then it was too late. The damage had already been done.”

“Huh.” Elise said. “You know, I think it might be a generational thing. Older people are very loud about ‘free speech’, and all.”

“I think the moderator just never thought people would view the site as a resource for trans people. I can’t say for sure, but it definitely feels like that.” Sierra said. “And like, about the site not being a transgender support site, I can understand that technically being true, but when you’re talking about a site with a largely trans userbase, where different users can talk and discuss things with each other, you have to realize how those users will perceive the site.”

“I know I’ve never modded a website.” Sierra said. “But these seem like basic things to consider, right? And even if I’m wrong, the point still stands that not taking down hate speech is just shitty.”

***

“Yeah… I guess that’s the weirdest dream I’ve ever had.” Elise said. “What about you?”

“Well…” Sierra started. “There was this one TG story I read, years ago, about these four college guys on a road trip who transform into this family, with the main character becoming the mother. It had a kind of ‘Twilight Zone’-esque vibe to it. Anyway, for some reason, years after I had even thought of that story, I had this dream where you, me, Amanda, and Ryan were on a road trip and then turned into a family. We were the kids and they were the parents. And I was the only one who remembered our past lives. We had new names too, I don’t remember what they were but they weren’t our names.”

Sierra continued. “We pulled up to this house that I didn’t recognize, and I was like ‘this isn’t our house’, ‘this isn’t us’. No one believed me. Then I found myself in this… jail cell with everyone telling me I was insane and needed help. Last thing I remember is feeling something touch my shoulder. Next thing I know, I’m in the cafeteria, with Ryan telling me I fell asleep during lunch and that the period was almost over. Man, I was in such a daze when I woke up. Even had to check my drivers license to make sure I was still me. I don’t know how or why that dream happened, but it did.”

“I heard you’re not supposed to have dreams during short naps like that.” Elise said. “If you are, it means you’re not getting enough sleep.”

“It was during midterm week, so of course I wasn’t getting enough sleep.”

Elise gave a knowing nod.

Sierra forced out a laugh. “You want to know what the worst part was? Even in this dream, where I transformed into someone else, I was still a guy. It couldn’t even grant me becoming a girl. What a load of shit.”

***

Elise groaned as her phone buzzed wildly. “Well, you know what that means.”

“Is it really that late?” Sierra asked. “What time is it?”

“6:15.”

“I guess that is kind of late.” Sierra said.

“Yeah… I was really pushing it today. My parents are not going to be happy. They’re so overprotective, it’s so annoying.”

“I’m sure they’d ease off if you just talked to them about it.”

“No, you don’t understand, it doesn’t work like that.” Elise said. “Not for girls, as you will soon find out.”

Sierra blushed slightly. “I… guess so.”

“Honestly I’m more worried about Emma than my parents. That annoying little shit is such a loudmouth.”

“Woah!” Sierra exclaimed. “You’re really saying that about your own sister?”

Elise chuckled as she stood up. “That’s another thing you don’t understand. Having a sibling.”

Sierra took Elise’s hand. “You can thank my mother for that. My father wanted another one, but she said that after she gave birth to me, she absolutely did not want to go through labor again.”

Sierra and Elise began the walk back to Sierra’s house. “I don’t want to go through labor ever.” Elise replied. “My mom says I’ll change my mind, but I never want kids.”

“Do you want a hysterectomy?”

“What? No. I don’t have that kind of money. Besides, you know how doctors are with that stuff.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” Sierra said. “I sometimes have a hard time trusting doctors myself. I’m kind of scared of what they’d say if they realized I was taking hormones without a prescription. And worried they’d make me stop.”

“Well…” Elise said. “Even if they don’t agree with it, you still have the hormones. Whether they like it or not, you are becoming yourself.”

Sierra smiled as Elise planted a kiss on her cheek. Elise was amazing. She couldn’t have possibly asked for a better girlfriend.

The first chapter of Minikisa’s “Of Heroes And Villains” starts with a heist. The plant based supervillain, Dionaea, goes to a vault on a train to steal the goods, before being stopped by the teleporting martial artist, Shade. A fight ensues, a classic clashing of good and evil, completely normal, until Dionaea tears off a part of Shade’s uniform, revealing the vigilante’s dark secret to the world.

The superhero, Shade, wore panties.

This embarrassing moment was the start of a long journey for Shade. One of self discovery, of introspection, of healing, and of love. With help from Dionaea, Shade was able to find who she truly was.

One week ago Devin had an embarrassing moment that kickstarted his very own journey of self discovery. Through his own carelessness, his girlfriend had caught him on TG Storytime, revealing his secret hobby of reading TG stories to the world.

It went even further than that, however. After he was caught, he confessed to taking female hormones and wearing large sweatshirts to hide his growing breasts. He even confessed to having a female alias, Sierra, who every day, was becoming less and less of an alias.

Considering the circumstances, Devin thought Elise reacted to all this information extremely well. From her perspective, her boyfriend told her that he liked reading stories where guys turn into girls, that he took female hormones, that he had breasts, and that he had a female name, all in one day. And through all of it, Elise remained calm and collected. At no point did she freak out.

Devin had feared that Elise would hate him, or call him disgusting, or even break up with him, but she didn’t. She accepted him, flaws and all. In fact, recently she had even been encouraging him to step out of his comfort zone more and more, even going so far as to call him “Sierra” and wanting him to accept himself as a girl.

If Devin was told a week ago that all this would happen, he’d probably collapse in shock. What an insane week he had.

He told his friends on discord about it, and within an hour he had received a wide range of responses.

“Are you being serious?”

“Holy shit”

“lmao”

“Based”

“Really proud of you man… girl I mean.”

Devin smiled. Between Elise and his friends on discord, he loved all the positive feedback he was getting in discovering himself.

He could only wonder if this kind of reaction would translate to the rest of the world.

His parents.

God, his parents.

The day they would return from their vacation was coming closer and closer. As of right now, it was only three days away. Devin worrying about what his parents would do if they found out about Sierra was like a second instinct at this point. Something he did almost as much as breathing. He had lost track of all the possibilities he had come up with in his head.

Should he just tell his parents about Sierra? Upfront?

Surely if he didn't, they'd find out anyway. He'd been slipping up more and more, and it was inevitable that, if he didn't tell them, then eventually, he'd accidentally reveal Sierra to them. Maybe they'd find the silver necklace in one of his drawers, or take his covers off of him in bed, or catch him washing his bras. And then he'd have to confess. That just seemed like a mess to deal with. It might be better to just tell them outright, and rip the band-aid off immediately.

Devin paced around his house, constantly wondering what he would do.

And after a while, he made up his mind.

Some time this summer, he'd tell them about Sierra himself. He had to do it himself. He couldn't live knowing that some random accident let them know Sierra existed. He didn't know why, but he couldn't.

How he would do it though, he had no idea.

He'd just have to wait and see.

***

As the sun was getting closer and closer to setting, Devin spent his time taking another walk through his neighborhood, all the way back down to the shaded bench in front of the large field. And while he was walking, he wasn’t thinking about his identity, his long week, or his parents.

He was thinking about those damn TG stories.

Well, not the stories themselves, but rather, one of the sites they were hosted on, TG Storytime. The site he had gone on for years. The site that he now had nostalgia for.

The site that, at first, refused to take down hate speech.

Was it wrong to keep using it?

When a bunch of authors left, Devin tried to leave too, but found he just couldn't. The site occupied a permanent spot in his mind, and his browsing history. It only took one press of "t" on the keyboard to get there. So the temptation to keep going was too high to be ignored.

To be fair, TG Storytime was already problematic, even before the incident with the foreign troll. Its categories were weird, to say the least. For the longest time, it didn't have a trans tag, but it did have a "sissy" and a "shemale" tag.

Even beyond that, the way the categories were set up was just weird. They were entirely based on the means that the gender transformation is carried out, rather than what kind of genre the story was in. It felt like a really odd way to sort things out.

While thinking through all of this, Devin wondered, was he overreacting?

Maybe.

As of now, it seemed most of the people on TG Storytime had forgotten about the "foreign troll" incident. A lot of them probably didn't think anything of it, and some may not have even known it happened. Either way, the event was already becoming a distant memory.

On a freely available, public forum that few people knew existed, was it such a bad thing to keep using it? Was anything that actually happened on it a big deal? What harm could really be done by it?

So, Devin concluded that he would continue using the site. And that wouldn't be such a shameful thing.

***

Tomorrow was sure to be an interesting day.

Devin had talked to Elise’s grandparents only twice before. Her grandfather had been greatly overprotective, but as Elise had said, that was to be expected. Overall though, from what he had seen, they seemed to be a pretty nice old couple.

Of course, looks could be deceiving.

Devin knew from personal experience that grandparents could have some seriously messed up beliefs. He could still vividly recall being six years old and hearing his own grandfather tell him he’d beat him if he “turned out to be a faggot”. At the time, Devin didn’t know what that meant, but now, those words weighed on his mind like an anvil.

What his grandfather would do now, if he found out about Sierra, Devin didn’t even want to think about.

Devin didn’t know if Elise’s grandparents said anything like that to her when she was younger, but from word of mouth, he still knew they were messed up. Believing the election was stolen from Trump? Check. Believing vaccines are ineffective? Check. Believing nazi propaganda about Jews controlling banks? Check, Devin thought with a wince. Honestly it was a miracle that they didn’t entirely buy into the QAnon conspiracy. At least they weren't holocaust deniers.

Devin had spent the past two hours writing an outline of what he would say to her grandparents the next day, and what arguments he would use. He wanted to be as thorough and prepared as possible. And if he couldn’t do anything else, he could at least know not to be overconfident. He’d be sure to fail if he did that.

Devin shut off his computer and threw himself onto his bed. With what he had to do tomorrow, he needed to get a good night’s sleep. And since he had a long day he was glad to finally be in bed.

It then occurred to Devin that he still needed to do a voice training session.

“Fuck.” He thought.

Maybe he could skip it. Just for one day. Surely no damage would be done if he just skipped it for one day, right?

Yeah, no, he should probably do the session.

Devin let out a light groan as he got out of bed and turned on his computer. It looked like he was in for another miserable hour.

1 Year, 8 Months Earlier

Elise could not believe what she was hearing.

“What!?” She exclaimed. “Are you serious?”

“Could you try to keep it down?” Corey said, slightly annoyed. “I don’t want to attract any attention.”

Elise looked around the cafeteria and saw that quite a few people had turned their heads to see what the commotion was.

“Okay.” Elise said. “But only because I don’t want to attract any attention either. I don’t give a damn what you think.”

“Yeah.” Corey said quickly, not believing her.

Elise turned to look deeply into Corey’s eyes. “Why?” She asked.

“Things just aren’t working out.” Corey started. “I haven't really been happy, ever since we started dating.”

“We've only been together for four months!” Elise yelled. “What are you talking about!?”

“Elise, please.” Corey cringed. “Keep it down.”

Elise closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay, so you’re not happy. Why, then, do you need to break up with me?”

“Because I don’t want to do something that doesn’t make me happy.” Corey answered. “And being with you, it just ain’t making me happy. So I’m leaving.”

Elise could feel the tears coming to her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

A single tear made its way down Elise’s face and dripped down her neck.

“Why?” She murmured.

“What?”

“Why?” Elise repeated more loudly. “Why am I not making you happy?”

“It’s not you, it’s me. I just think maybe relationships aren’t for me. Like I’m better off as a single man. You get me?”

Elise sadly nodded her head with a sniffle.

“Okay, uh…” Corey’s train of thought stopped as he saw Elise’s crying state. He was about to say or do something to comfort her, but then decided against it. With a slight look of guilt, he stood up and left the table without saying another word.

For the rest of the lunch period, Elise hid in the girl’s bathroom, head down in the stall to hide her crying from onlookers. None of her friends went after her. She could imagine they were thinking the same thing as her though. Corey was a massive dick. How could he do this to her? Breaking up not even a week after homecoming, and for such a stupid reason too. That guy had no respect for other people.

Internally Elise cursed herself for being so weak. She was crying over a break up, something she had never done before. In the past she had even said the people who did that were overdramatic, and yet here she was now.

Eventually, the school bell rang to signal the next period. With wet eyes, Elise got out of the stall and went to her next class. As she did, she hoped that one day, she’d be able to look back at this moment and laugh.

***

Movies and TV shows often portray drama as the main thing on a teenager’s mind. As the media sees it, once a teen gets a bite of some gossip, that’s the only thing they’re ever talking about.

However real life is far less exaggerated than that. Teens do talk about drama, but it often escapes their interest fairly quickly, and pretty soon they’re back to their normal conversations until the next bout of drama inevitably comes and goes.

The media is right about one thing though, gossip travels fast, especially in a small high school. By the end of that day, everyone had heard about the breakup.

“Yo Devin.” Ryan said as he opened his locker. “Did you hear? Elise and Corey broke up.”

“I don’t care.” Devin said flatly.

“Pfft, tough crowd.”

“Yeah, well, other people’s romantic lives don’t interest me.”

“You sure you’re not just salty because you’ve never had a girlfriend?” Ryan asked in a mocking tone.

Devin grabbed his book bag and shut his locker. “As if you have room to talk. You had one girlfriend for like three months in seventh grade.”

“Still one more than you.”

“She broke up with you because you didn’t want to wear deodorant.”

“Again.” Ryan shut his locker and began making his way toward the buses. “Still one more than you.”

Devin followed after Ryan with a scoff. “Sure, man.”

***

The following day Elise came into the school with a much better attitude. After a night of thinking it over at home, she came to affirm her old belief that people who cried over breakups were being overdramatic. She was being overdramatic. The world did not end because her boyfriend broke up with her.

Besides, it was his loss anyway.

So Elise went through the day with no troubles. She didn’t even get mad when Emma teased her about her breakup. Or when she saw Corey in the halls. None of it mattered to her. She was her own woman now, and nothing could bring her down.

“Someone looks better than they did yesterday.” Amanda said to Elise at the start of lunch.

“Thanks.” Elise smiled. “Corey sucked. I never should’ve been crying at all.”

“Throwing shade already? That’s my girl.”

“Yeah, who needs a boyfriend anyway? I’m fine by myself.”

“Woah easy there.” Amanda said. “It’s only been one day.”

“I don’t care. He never deserved me.”

Elise smirked. “I was way too good for him.”

***

The next few months were a very refreshing time for Elise. After a year or so of being in relationships or trying to get into relationships she had forgotten how good being single could feel. Yeah, it was nice to have a shoulder to lean on but it was also nice to be on your own and not have to worry about keeping up a commitment to someone else.

As much as she hated to admit it, she could kind of understand what Corey meant when he talked about doing what makes you happy. Not like she would ever break up with someone as quickly as he did without even talking it out first, but still.

If Elise wanted a boyfriend, she’d get one, but it wasn’t something that mattered much to her. She was content with doing what she wanted, and what she wanted now was to be by herself.

***

As midterms were coming to a close, so too was the first round of electives. It was time for a new set of classes to start.

The small high school in the middle of Pennsylvania had a system in place regarding elective classes. For the first half of the school year, students would have one set of electives, and for the second half, they would have another. No elective class lasted longer than half a year. Considering that these electives were being taught at a high school level, most of them didn’t even have enough material to last a full year, so all in all it was a well functioning system.

At the end of the first day of this new cycle, Devin headed to his final class, a study hall in the library. He took a scan around the room, saw an empty table in the back, and went to sit there.

Amanda caught a glimpse of him walking toward the table then spoke quietly to Elise so he wouldn’t hear. “This might sound odd, but have you ever noticed that Devin holds his binder like a girl?”

“What?” Elise asked, confused.

“He doesn’t hold it by his side. He carries it in front of him with both hands. He’s like the only guy in school who holds his binder like that.”

“You know, it’s really not nice to talk about someone behind their backs.”

“Yeah, but he’s the only other person in this room that I know… well, kind of. The rest of these people are upperclassmen I’ve never talked to.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to talk about him behind his back.”

“Okay, mom.” Amanda said mockingly.

While the two girls continued to chat the day away, Devin spent most of his study hall watching youtube videos on his phone, making it look like he was working but not really working at all. The irony of study halls is that a lot of the time very little studying actually gets done. Most students just use it as a way to hang out with their friends. In fact, Elise literally changed her class to this study hall just so she could be with her best friend. Elise hadn’t had any classes with Amanda all year and it annoyed her.

It’s never really a productive time.

***

“Look, he’s going off again.”

“Who is?” Elise asked.

“Him.” Amanda pointed toward the guy in question.

“Devin?”

“Yeah, he’s been going off about politics a lot these days.” Amanda explained. “I have no idea what he gets out of it.”

Elise focused harder on Devin, who was currently talking to a few other kids, telling them why Bernie Sanders was not just the best, but the only viable candidate for the 2020 election.

“Weird kid.” Amanda said.

Elise found herself more intrigued by him than anything.

***

The bell had rang, signaling the end of the school day. Devin was completely exhausted right now and just wanted to go home.

As he stood up and walked toward the exit, Elise came over to him.

“Is that a ‘Doctor Who’ shirt?” She asked.

A little shocked, Devin replied “umm… yeah…”

“I love Doctor Who! It’s one of my favorite shows.”

“Umm… mine too.”

“Who’s your favorite doctor?”

“I mean… do I even need to say it?” Devin asked.

Elise continued to wait for a response.

“It’s Tennant, obviously.”

“Oh cool, he’s my favorite too.” Elise said.

“Yeah, he’s a really good actor.”

“Definitely.” Elise replied. “See ya!”

As Elise and him parted ways, Devin thought to himself, “huh that was weird”.

Nevertheless, it was very nice of her. It felt good to have someone like her talk to him. Made him feel recognized and important.

***

Devin didn’t know what had come over him, but it seemed a part of him wanted to make Elise notice him again. He thought it to be a stupid, silly feeling that he probably shouldn’t entertain.

And that’s why he cursed himself when he walked into the library with a “Star Trek” shirt on.

What the hell was he doing? Did Elise even watch “Star Trek”? Even if she did, she’d probably figure out what he was trying to do and either laugh or call him a creep. He was making a damn fool of himself.

Midway through Devin’s walk toward his table, he heard someone say something to him.

It was Elise.

“I like your shirt.”

Devin stopped right in front of her. “You do?”

“Yeah, I think it’s a good shirt. I like ‘Star Trek’.”

“Thanks.”

Devin and Elise stared at each other a little awkwardly for a second.

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

“Go for it.”

Devin laid his binder on the table and took a seat there. And as he did, he was seriously questioning what he was doing. Sitting with a girl he only vaguely knew just because she gave him a few complements. Was he really that desperate? Did it really take that little to make an impression on him? This was not going to end well.

“You know, none of my friends like ‘Star Trek’.” Elise said. “They think it’s boring. They always say the characters ‘talk too much’.”

Devin huffed. “Ryan doesn’t like it either. He thinks it’s boring too.” He paused briefly. “I just… don’t get it. How can people think ‘Star Trek’ is boring? Cheesy, I can understand, but boring? No, they’re clearly missing something.”

“Back in middle school I wore a ‘Star Trek’ shirt once and my friends teased me for it. I don’t think they’d do it now, but I still haven’t worn one since then. I don’t think those old shirts would fit me anymore, anyways.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I don’t usually wear shirts like this either.” Devin said. “Especially band shirts. Never wear band shirts. You will be hounded with questions to make sure you know enough about the band.”

“Music fans are so uptight about that stuff. What’s their deal?”

“Something stupid, I’m sure.”

Elise smiled at Devin’s remark, a line he stole from a SpongeBob episode. Devin had often said he didn’t have a single original idea in his mind, and with forced references like these, he found he was proving himself right.

Regardless, Devin’s face began forming a smile of its own. This was actually going pretty well. Sure, he had only been talking to Elise for a very short time, but he was still happy he hadn’t fucked up within the first few minutes. Maybe he wouldn’t fuck up at all, but he decided it best not to get too ahead of himself. Thoughts like that were dangerous and would only bite him in the ass later on.

***

Devin and Elise had a pretty good conversation going for the next half hour. It seemed they got along well despite barely knowing each other. It was probably too early to consider them friends, but perhaps they could be called acquaintances.

While they were talking, Amanda, who was stuck making up a test for the majority of the period, came into the library, late to the study hall.

She had to hold back a snicker once she saw Elise and Devin at the same table.

“So.” Amanda said as she took a seat. “Elise, what have you dragged in this time?”

“Just some guy.” Elise said. “Why did you even come here? There’s like, only fifteen minutes left.”

“Where else do you expect me to go? I can’t just stay in that room.” Amanda turned toward Devin. “Anyway, what’s up with you?”

Devin reached out his hand. “Hi, I’m Devin. I don’t think we’ve met before.”

“Yes, I know who you are.” Amanda stated dryly. “Mr. LARPsAsAMusicCritic.”

Devin pulled back his hand and pursed his lips at the citing of his YouTube username.

“Just don’t talk about politics, okay?” Amanda told him.

“But politics are important.” Devin replied. “And a lot of these people here don’t know what they’re talking about.”

“Neither do you.” Amanda said.

“Why are you knocking on his interest?” Elise asked. “He’s just trying to express himself.”

“Because politics are dumb.” Amanda answered. “Who cares what old guy becomes president.”

“Now politics is a lot more than just the U.S. presidential election.” Devin explained. “It’s stuff like, why is the U.S. robbing third world countries? Why is the U.S. bombing so many innocent civilians? Why is the U.S. committing genocides in Afghanistan, Palestine, Yemen… and basically every other country in the Middle East and Latin America.”

“See what I mean?” Amanda said. “He can’t help himself but go on these long, stupid rants.”

“I swear Americans are so sheltered.” Devin said harshly.

“You are literally an American.” Amanda replied, annoyed.

“Look Amanda, he just has some strong opinions. And you know, politics are kind of important. They’re the way the world works.”

“I don’t care.” Amanda replied. “It’s all dumb to me.”

Amanda turned her attention to her phone while Elise looked back to Devin. “So, you like Bernie Sanders?”

“Yes.”

“I do too. I feel like he’s the only person up there who really wants to make things better.”

“If I could vote this year, I’d vote for him.” Devin said. “I believe in the ‘lesser of two evils’, and he’s the only Democratic candidate who’s a lesser evil by a significant margin.”

“You really can’t think that the Democrats are the same as Trump.”

“No, Trump is definitely worse, but they’re more similar than you realize.” Devin explained. “Most democrats are basically just republicans. They both support corporate interests and want to bomb and terrorize foreign countries.”

“What about abortion and global warming? They’re way different on that stuff.”

“I don’t think the dems are going to do much to protect abortion or stop global warming.” Devin claimed. “If they actually cared then these things would’ve been solved a long time ago.”

“So what’s your solution? Just let republicans win?”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all.”

“I mean, what other option do we have?”

“Revolution.” Devin answered.

“What?”

“A socialist revolution. Not ‘socialist’ like Bernie, a real socialist revolution.” Devin said. “Bernie says he’s a socialist, but he’s not. He’s a social democrat. Social democracy is not what we need. No, we need full-on socialism. That is what will save this country.”

Elise was dumbfounded. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am serious.” Devin said, without a hint of uncertainty.

Amanda laughed while Elise struggled for words. “So, okay, you want a bunch of people to come together and do a socialist revolution. But… how?”

“By overthrowing the U.S. government.” Devin explained.

“Man, why can’t more politicians be like this guy?” Amanda asked with a chuckle. “Politicians are so boring. This guy is funny.”

Devin wasn’t sure if he should be offended by that remark so he brushed it off.

“And how do you expect to overthrow the U.S. government?” Elise asked.

Devin paused, thinking over the question in his head.

“That is a good question.” He said.

Elise ran her hands through her head. “I didn’t really care before, but now I kind of don’t want you to talk about politics, because you sound insane.” She said. “Can you promise me that?”

Devin sighed. “I’ll try.”

***

And surprisingly Devin did keep that promise.

From that day forward, at every study hall, Devin sat at that table with those two girls. And as time went on he had to say he was growing quite fond of them. Especially Elise. He found he had a lot of common interests with her. Plus, she was very nice, not to mention pretty.

While he enjoyed talking to Elise and Amanda, he also felt a clear disconnect between himself and them. He didn’t know if they noticed it, but he definitely did. It was like there was an invisible barrier between them that permeated every one of their conversations.

He could find two reasons for this, one smaller and one bigger. The smaller reason was that he hadn’t known the two girls for nearly as long as they had known each other. Even though his graduating class only consisted of about one hundred twenty people, he hadn’t ever really spoken to Elise or Amanda in the past ten and a half years they had all went to this school district. Obviously they weren’t going to be close to him if they didn’t know him very well. And they were best friends too. Both having brown hair and brown eyes, they even looked like they belonged together.

But then there was the bigger reason, the one that stuck itself in his mind the most, and it was the simple fact that he was a guy, and they were girls.

Devin had a feeling that if he was a girl, he’d be closer to Elise and Amanda, even with them only having known each other for a short time. He couldn’t prove it, but he had a feeling.

It was just a simple truth of his life, and his male status. As a guy, there’d always be a few layers of separation between him and any girl.

Not like that bothered him, of course. He didn’t care.

It… didn’t bother him, right?

No, that’d be ridiculous. What guy even thinks about this kind of stuff? He should be happy for what he has and not demand more.

He should be grateful, not greedy.

***

“Can’t believe track season’s already coming up.” Amanda said.

“You excited?” Elise asked.

“I have no idea. I love running, but I also hate it. It’s like an abusive relationship.”

“You still doing sprints?”

“Of course, it’s the only thing I can do.”

“Maybe you could try pole vaulting.”

“Pfft.” Amanda scoffed.

Elise looked over to Devin, who was on his phone, not paying attention to them.

“Hey Devin, why don’t you join Track?”

Devin looked up and put his phone down. “Huh?”

“Track.” Elise repeated. “You should join it. I think you’d like it.”

“You want me to join track?”

“Well, she does.” Amanda said. “I could care less.”

Devin corrected her. “Actually, it’s ‘couldn’t care less’.”

Amanda stared into Devin’s eyes. “Thanks.” She said sarcastically.

Devin turned back to Elise. “I just think Track would be good for you.” She said to him.

Amanda nearly did a spit take of her drink when she heard Elise’s words.

“It probably would be.” Devin agreed. “But I can’t run. I have asthma.”

“I know another person on the team who has asthma. That didn’t stop them.”

Amanda had to force herself to stay quiet. She wasn’t exactly shocked, but she still didn’t like what she was seeing. Or hearing, for that matter, as it was Elise’s tone that really stood out to her in a bad way. Elise wasn’t talking to Devin like he was a new friend that she met a few weeks ago. No, she was talking to him like some kind of affectionate girlfriend looking out for his well being.

“That’s uh, reassuring, I guess… but I’m still not doing it. I can’t play sports for shit. My parents gave up trying to make me do them once I got into Junior High.”

“Doesn’t your friend Ryan do track though?” Elise asked. “I bet he’d like it if you joined.”

Or more accurately, Elise would like it if he joined, Amanda thought.

“I think I spend enough time with him already.” Devin grinned.

“Okay… if you say so.” Elise said.

Amanda quietly sighed. It seemed Elise had latched onto another guy. Man, she really wanted him to do track, didn’t she? Inwardly, Amanda cringed at some of Elise’s word choices. ‘Good for you’, seriously?

It wasn’t like these developments were one sided either. Amanda had seen the way Devin looked at Elise recently, and she really didn’t like it. It was very clear that he was interested in her more than as a friend. Originally, Amanda thought nothing would come of that. Devin would ask Elise out, she’d decline, and that would be it. But if Elise was feeling something for him, then Amanda might have to start seeing Devin regularly.

Oh, joy.

Once the bell rang to signal the end of the school day, Amanda followed Elise to her locker. It was good luck that their lockers weren’t very far apart.

“What happened to not needing a boyfriend?” Amanda asked.

“What?”

“Oh don’t play stupid with me. I heard the way you talked to him. ‘Oh, Devin, please join track with me’.” She said in a mocking voice.

“Shut up.” Elise gave Amanda a playful punch. “I was just being nice.”

“A little too nice.” Amanda replied. “I can see the way he looks at you. He’s crushing on you pretty hard.”

“He probably is.”

“Yeah, and you talking like that is only going to encourage him.”

“You’re probably right.”

“So, are you going to stop?”

“I don’t know.”

“Wonderful.” Amanda breathed.

***

Today was a rather unusual day for Devin, mainly because he was actually using the study hall for its intended purpose, to study and do homework. With a notebook, pencil, and iPad out, he spent most of the period doing math homework.

“What math class are you in?” Elise asked.

“Algebra II.” Devin answered without looking up.

“Cool, that’s the one I’m in too.” Elise said. “With Mr. Berman?”

“Yep.” Devin said. “He’s a… he’s an odd one. He’s always talking to those guys who play football and basketball and stuff like he’s best buds with them. It’s weird.”

“He acts like a teenager.” Elise added. “I don’t even do his homework, I just copy paste the problems. He never checks it.”

“Yeah, and you can get away with that if you never talk to him. The only people’s homework he actually checks are the ones he’s constantly joking around with.” Devin said. “The ones that openly say they copy paste it.”

“Guess it’s the price of being his friend.” Elise replied.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Elise couldn’t see what Devin was doing in his notebook, as his iPad obstructed her view, but Amanda could see everything in it pretty clearly. And once she took a look at it, she leaned her head forward a bit and squinted her eyes.

The page she was looking at did have some math equations, but it was also full of random doodles and sketches. There were a ton of swirls and looping shapes, and it didn’t even end there. There was also a part of the page that consisted of the numbers zero through nine written in various different forms. And another part of the page that looked like a list of episodes of a TV show, all in a numbered order.

It was a strange thing to look at. Usually when Amanda saw doodles in notebooks, they were clear drawings. Not a bunch of random shapes spread out alongside some numbers and lists.

Devin must’ve noticed Amanda looking, as he soon used his hand to cover up his notebook. She then averted her eyes and said nothing to him.

Devin really was a weird kid, wasn’t he?

“You ever think of joining computer club?” Devin asked Elise.

“I’m not into computers.” Elise answered.

“That’s too bad. I think you’d like it.”

“If I’m not into computers then why would I like it?”

“Well… there’s a trip we take every year, and I think you’d like going.”

“Where are you going this year?”

“Baltimore, probably.”

“Okay… I’ll, uh, think about it.”

“Great.”

Devin and Elise looked into each other’s eyes for just a bit too long. Devin even did what best could be described as a short, half giggle before they resumed talking.

They may as well be dating already, Amanda thought.

From her perspective, they were hitting almost every romantic cliché in the book. The only thing missing was Devin speaking in incoherent love babblings and Elise finding it charming. But thankfully, they both spared Amanda from having to see that.

***

Pacing around outside had become one of Devin’s biggest habits over the years. His parents often asked why he did it, and he could never come up with a solid answer. At least, he couldn’t put his answer into words. In truth, he simply found it as a way to get all his thoughts in order and destress himself, but he didn’t know how or why that was the case. It just was.

In a place like Pennsylvania it got dark pretty quick in the winter months, so Devin only had so long to pace around before nightfall. The cold didn’t really bother him too much, and the wind was pretty calm today so hopefully his parents wouldn’t complain about him getting himself sick by being outside.

While pacing, all of his thoughts were focused on one person, Elise. There was something about that girl that sparked flames of passion within him. He didn’t just like talking to her and being around her, no, the very thought of her was enough to bring joy to his mind.

God, he had fallen in love with her.

It was a most unfortunate development. Devin had never felt this way about anyone before, and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. Elise was single at the moment so, should he… talk to her about it? She seemed to like him fine. Really, what’s the worst that could happen?

No, that probably wasn’t a good idea. He might come off as pushy, or a creep. And besides, how could Elise possibly love him back? Devin had such a hideous body that would be repulsive to most people, at least according to him.

There were a lot of things about Devin’s body that could be changed and improved to make it less intolerable to exist in. His body hair could be lighter, thinner, and grow back less fast. His face could be softer and nicer looking. His feet could be less huge and more graceful. His skin could be smoother, and not the coarse, leathery covering he was used to. Really, he could go on all day.

Devin recalled a tweet he had seen on twitter a while back, which called for all men to have mandatory vasectomies until they’re ready to have children. It was meant to make the point that restricting abortion access, or making abortions illegal was authoritarian and dangerous as women shouldn’t have to have their bodies controlled by the government, but there was another way that Devin saw this tweet, which he kept only to himself.

If this hypothetical tweet was reality and all men were required to undergo vasectomies, Devin would be upset, but not because his body would be under government control. No, it was because he didn’t want a vasectomy, he wanted a castration.

He didn’t even understand why someone would want a vasectomy if it wasn’t permanent and didn’t actually remove the testicles from the body. If it was reversible then what was the point? If all men had to undergo mandatory castrations unless they were sure they wanted kids, then Devin would happily oblige. He’d probably be first in line, ready to tell every man in the world that giving up your penis and testicles was the best possible thing you could do.

That was a bit of a weird tangent. His mind had a nasty habit of veering into bad, dangerous territory like that. He should just forget all this stuff about his body and genitals and focus back on what he was originally thinking about, Elise, the one that he loved.

Could she ever love him back?

***

Sitting on his bed, Devin had a chair in front of him alongside a piece of paper that said “Elise Gerding”. He had to have some visible frame of reference for Elise to do this, even if it was a bad one.

“I know we don’t know each other well, but… no, that’s too obvious. Hey, why don’t you and me go out sometime. We can go to a restaurant or the movies or… no, that sounds too pushy. Umm… hey, I was thinking that we could hang out somewhere and maybe see something. Any place you like we can go…”

Devin stopped mid-sentence.

He stayed in his bed and did nothing for a while, just staring at the piece of paper in front of him. Then he took that piece of paper, crumbled it up, and threw it on the ground.

“What the hell am I doing?” He asked himself. “I’m talking to a piece of paper.”

He highly doubted his methods were actually of any help to him. Why did this have to be so hard? Every single thing he could think to say to Elise sounded incomprehensily stupid when he put it to words.

Maybe he should go to his parents for help.

As Devin stood up and walked toward the door, his train of thought changed.

No, that was a terrible idea. He didn’t want to tell them he was crushing on a girl. He’d probably have to hear some hour-long lecture on relationships and love and all that stuff. Plus, he imagined his parents would constantly try to talk to him about it, and he didn’t want that.

Devin turned and collapsed onto his bed. There really was no easy way to do this. And just thinking about it was stressing him out. But he also knew that if he didn’t ask Elise out, he'd forever feel like he missed out on a huge opportunity, and he’d never be able to live it down.

“You know what?” Devin said. “I’m just going to wing it. Improvise the whole thing. What’s the worst that could happen?”

***

Devin took a deep breath as he walked into the library. He was so nervous he felt like his body was going to shut down.

He failed to hide his shaking as he sat down at his table.

“A little shaky today, aren’t we?” Amanda asked him.

Devin slowly and silently nodded his head.

“Are you okay?” Elise asked in a curious tone.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Devin said. “It’s just uh…”

Devin’s fear overtook him and he stopped talking.

“What? What is it?” Elise asked.

Devin gulped. This was it. This was when he had to make his move. He already looked enough like an idiot already, it’s not like he could make himself look any worse. This was his one shot. It was now or never.

“I was just thinking… are you free this friday?”

“Yes?” Elise answered, confused.

“Well then, would you like to catch a movie with me this friday night?”

Amanda let out an audible huff as Elise furrowed her eyebrows. “So… you’re asking me out on a date?”

“What? No, it’s not a date.” Devin said. “It’s just a… social… gathering.”

“With two people?”

“Yes…” Devin hesitated. “I mean… look, it's not a date.”

“It sure sounds like a date.” Elise said.

“Well, it’s not.”

“You were really nervous when asking her to go with you on this ‘not a date’.” Amanda pointed out. “I don’t think you actually believe this isn’t a date.”

“I…” Devin grumbled. “Listen to me, okay? This. Is. Not. A. Date.”

“Don’t buy it.” Amanda said. “Also jeez, you don’t need to get all pissy about it.”

“I’m not getting…” Devin stopped to calm himself down. “Okay, maybe I need to take a few minutes to chill out.”

“You think?”

Elise became annoyed. “Shut up Amanda.” She said. “Don’t be an ass.”

“How am I ‘being an ass’? I’m just responding to him.”

“Yeah, like a smartass.”

“You’re one to talk.” Amanda said. “You act way more like a smartass than me.”

Watching the two girls fight, Devin began feeling a bit guilty. It seemed he was making everyone here angry. He really didn’t like watching them be mad at each other, and he couldn’t help but think he was the one who initiated their fight in the first place.

He nervously chuckled. “I guess I got everyone here riled up, didn’t I?”

“You sure did.” Amanda replied.

Elise gave Amanda a side glare, which she returned with a slight smile.

“I’m… really sorry. I guess I should’ve come a bit more prepared.” Devin said.

“No, you’re fine.” Elise replied. “It’s a hard thing to try and say, I understand.”

Elise and Devin looked deeply into each other’s eyes for a brief moment.

“So…” Devin coughed. “Would you like to go to that movie with me?”

Elise continued to stare blankly, silent for another small span of time. It took a while for her to answer that question. It was a difficult thing to consider, since spending one night with this guy would only increase the chances of her spending another night with him, then another.

Did she want that?

No matter what Devin said, there was a distinct possibility that this night would play out similarly to a date. And Elise was sure Devin knew that, at the back of his mind.

Would that be a bad thing?

The craziest part to all of this was that a date with Devin didn’t actually sound that bad to Elise.

Maybe this was worth trying out. Elise was still very unsure about this whole ordeal, but in the end, after thinking it over, she came to say…

“Yes.”

Devin had a completely dumbfounded expression on his face. He stared at Elise like she had grown three heads. It must have been a funny looking face, because it made Elise giggle. And to Devin, it was a very charming giggle. One that made him giggle himself, as well as turn his cheeks beet red.

The cheesy exchange almost made Amanda roll her eyes, but she was able to hold it back.

***

The next few minutes saw Devin and Elise share each other’s contact information and set up a specific time they’d leave and go to the theater. Since there was only one theater that was reasonably close by, picking a location was pretty easy.

After all that was done, the three spent the rest of the study hall not talking much. Amanda and Elise made a few comments toward each other, and seemed to have overcome their little spat from earlier, but they mostly stayed quiet.

Devin in particular didn’t speak at all for the rest of the study hall. He was still shocked that a girl agreed to spend a night with him at all. Especially one as pretty and nice as Elise. It felt surreal, almost as if it was too good to be true, and he was dreaming it.

He almost took the cliché response and pinched himself, but he instead opted to take the slightly less cliché response and slapped himself in the face. It may have gotten him a brief funny look from Amanda and Elise, but at least he confirmed he wasn’t dreaming.

When class ended and Devin went to the bus to go home, he began falling into a trance, where all he could think about was Elise, and how beautiful she was. By all accounts, he was completely smitten with her, and having never even expected a feeling like this to ever come over him, he was overwhelmed.

Was this what love felt like? It was incredible! How could something possibly feel so good? This was the best that Devin had ever felt in his life.

Except… something was wrong.

He didn’t know what, but he knew something was wrong, and he knew that because the dull, grey fog that seemingly permeated his entire life was still there, stuck around him like some kind of vacuum sucking up his soul.

It hadn’t left. Even when he felt as good as he did now, it hadn’t left. Even on his happiest and best of days, it was still around.

Was this the fate he was doomed to have for the rest of his life?

He didn’t know why he always felt so miserable and depressed, it just seemed to be a constant state in his life. Like air, it would always be there, by his side.

Devin had always thought that one day he would kill himself, but that day never came, and maybe it never would.

It was a very depressing reality, how death could almost be preferable to living in such an unbearable state of existence.

***

Friday arrived before Devin even knew it. He thought he’d have some time to mentally prepare before the big movie theater date (“no, not a date”, his mind reminded him), but through procrastination and a bad sense of time, that just wasn’t the case.

He was about to ask his father to drive him back home, but it was too late. His car was already out of the driveway.

Devin crossed his arms and shivered. The February weather was relentlessly cold that night, and it only made his tenseness even worse. His coat, hat, and gloves couldn’t stop him from feeling the chills through his skin.

He may have been nervous, but he had to ring the doorbell soon. If he stayed out here too long he might freeze to death.

He hoped Elise didn’t give him the wrong address.

***

“Elise, is this the boy you were talking about?”

Elise looked up from her phone to see her father staring out the window.

“Yes Dad, that’s him.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to let some stranger in the house.” He said. “Why don’t you come up and look?”

Elise got up from her chair and went to the living room, where out the window she saw a teenage boy with heavy winter clothing on, pacing back and forth. She immediately recognized the face.

“Yes, that’s Devin.” Elise said. She was about to go open the door before her father stopped her.

“I’m going to open this door myself, okay?”

“Fine.” Elise replied, annoyed. “Don’t scare him.”

“Scare him? He’s lucky I’m not just leaving him out in the cold.”

Elise rolled her eyes with a quiet groan.

***

Ronald Gerding opened the front door with way more force than was needed. He was soon met with the harsh cold, as well as Devin looking right at him.

“You’re here to take my daughter on a date?”

Devin opened his mouth to say something but nothing would come out. Looking at this man he felt an overwhelming sense of intimidation. The kind that made him want to cower in his room, away from the world.

“Well? Are you mute?” Ronald asked. “Are you here for my daughter or not?”

Regaining some motion, Devin slowly nodded his head.

“Alright then, come inside. And don’t leave my sight.” Ronald commanded.

Devin didn’t move for a bit, instead choosing to stand still and stare at Ronald. But eventually he started to take some slow steps toward the door and inside the house. Internally, he was almost starting to regret asking Elise to spend this night out with him, but he wasn’t about to let himself fall into that line of thinking. No, an overprotective father was not going to stop him from enjoying this night.

When Devin went in the house, he was greeted with the instant rush of warm air, which he found very relieving.

Entering the living room he saw none other than the girl herself, Elise Gerding. All dressed up in… well, normal clothes but that didn’t detract from her beauty.

Unfortunately Devin noticed that Elise had a pretty sour and irritated expression on her face. Upon seeing this, his whole body flashed with guilt and he instinctively moved his head down.

Already he had messed up. First night ever out with a girl and he had already messed up. What a screw up he was. He couldn’t do anything right.

As Devin walked toward the other side of the room, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that Elise’s head was not turning to follow him. He raised his own head and saw Elise glaring… at her father.

Oh.

“Put your coat on.” Ronald said to her coldly.

Elise walked out of the living room without a word. Devin took a seat on one of the couches, and looked right to Ronald.

“You behave yourself tonight, okay?”

Devin nodded his head.

“Do you like, talk?” Ronald asked him. “Are you seriously mute?”

Devin shook his head. ‘No’.

“Okay… but I’m serious. You better behave yourself tonight.”

Devin once again nodded his head, completely silent. Wow, this was awkward. Really awkward.

There was something about this man that made him lose his voice. He didn’t know if it was his tone, his demeanor, or just the general vibe he gave off, but he was just a very intimidating man.

Devin continued to sit on that couch for a few more minutes while Elise put on all her winter clothes.

***

The drive to the theater was even more awkward than the arrival to the house.

Not a word was uttered by anyone in the car. Ronald and Elise were both really mad, and for Devin it was so uncomfortable that he began fidgeting his fingers and rocking his leg, things he usually did when he got nervous.

Devin never thought he’d ever be in a situation like this. It was… really weird to explain, but being a guy out on a night with a girl who had a very overprotective father was never a situation he imagined he’d be in, and it wasn’t for the reason one would expect.

With how many of those cheesy TG stories Devin had read, he had always imagined himself as being the girl here. The one who was asked out by the guy. The one who went out with the guy. The one with the overprotective father constantly trying to protect her.

The girl who was transformed through a forced sex change.

It was an impossible prospect, but somehow it felt more likely and… right than being the guy.

In fact, Devin had even imagined himself as becoming a cheerleader, and dating one of the football guys. Together they would be the epitome of high school popularity, as well as one of the most clichéd youth relationship dynamics of all time.

Devin had wondered if these fantasies of his made him gay. If he got enjoyment from imagining being with a guy, then that was gay, right? But, for some reason it didn’t feel gay. Probably because, in these fantasies, he was imagining himself from the girl’s perspective, and a girl liking a guy was not gay.

Devin had never really thought much about his sexuality before, but since he had in the past experienced attraction to both men and women, he guessed he was bi.

Actually, when he thought about it, it was kind of weird that he was out with a girl rather than a guy, as he probably experienced more attraction to guys than girls, but Elise was so great that it didn’t matter.

Thinking about all this was really pleasant, and almost made Devin forget the horribly tense atmosphere that surrounded him. That was the power of the mind, he supposed.

It also seemed that even he was now thinking of this night as a date, and he was caring less and less about keeping his mind in check.

***

“You get two and a half hours.” Ronald said with Devin and Elise out of the car. “No more. You understand?”

“Yes, dad.” Elise said in a monotone voice.

Ronald turned to Devin, waiting for an answer.

“Yes, I understand sir.”

“So you can talk after all?” Ronald said. “And calling me sir too? Your parents must’ve raised you well.”

Devin nodded his head.

“Alright then, get inside that theater there, I don’t want you to freeze to death.” Ronald told them. “I’m leaving now. Good bye.”

“Bye.” Elise said as he pulled out of the parking spot.

Once Ronald was out of earshot, Devin and Elise began walking toward the theater.

“God, is he always like that?” Devin asked.

“Like what?”

“Like, I don’t know, that stingy.”

“Stingy?” Elise said back. “I wouldn’t really call him stingy. He’s more of a hard-ass.”

“I guess.” Devin replied. “I feel like he was staring into my soul. It was weird.”

“Oh, he did that with all my past boyfriends too.” Elise said. “Not like you’re my boyfriend or anything.” She quickly added.

“Of course not. This is not a date.” Devin said, not only to convince Elise but to convince himself as well.

Elise tried to change the subject. “How did your parents react to this?”

“I didn’t tell them until yesterday.” Devin answered. “And they kind of freaked out. They got mad at me for not telling them sooner and they treated it like it was a date, even though it’s not and I told them it’s not.”

“Sounds like my parents too, except for my dad.” Elise said. “He’s one of those dads who wants to scare off any boy I have over by showing them his shotgun collection.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Devin laughed.

Devin and Elise continued walking until they reached the front entrance. It was then that they began to see all the different posters displayed in front of the theater.

“You know.” Devin said. “Maybe we should’ve picked out what we were going to watch before we came here.”

“Yeah…” Elise said as she scanned her eyes around the wall of posters. “Oh, look, the Sonic movie is out today. Do you want to see that?”

Devin held his head up and laughed. “No.” He said flatly.

“Not even with the changed design?” Elise asked with a grin.

“I seriously doubt it’s a good movie.” Devin said. “Looks like another cheap adventure romp with some random guy and a CGI character from a known property learning about ‘the value of friendship’ and all that other shit.”

“So cynical.” Elise murmured.

“Yeah, well, I’ve seen too many movies.”

“Okay…” Elise’s eyes trailed off. “What about… that one?”

Devin turned to where Elise was pointing at.

“Fantasy Island? I’ll look it up.” Devin put the title into google and immediately laughed upon seeing the results. “Yeah, no.”

“Why?”

Devin showed Elise the film’s abysmally low review scores.

“Maybe it’s one of those ‘so bad it’s good movies?”

“Wanna chance it?”

Elise groaned. “You know what, I’m already tired of this.” She scanned her eyes around the wall again. “We’re watching ‘Birds of Prey’ and that’s final.”

“Alright…” Devin said. “That’s fine.”

***

Devin and Elise bought the tickets and sat down on one of the benches inside the building.

“When’s the next show time?” Elise asked.

“Twenty minutes.”

“Twenty minutes? Are we even going to have enough time to watch the movie?”

“I think so.” Devin replied. “The film is just under two hours long.”

Elise sighed. “I just wish my dad wasn’t so stern with this stuff.”

“You mean with… guys?”

“Yeah. It’s so uncomfortable.” She said.

Devin grinned. “Don’t worry, my parents can make me pretty uncomfortable too.”

“It can’t be as bad.”

“It probably isn’t.” He agreed. “But earlier today, when I got back home from school, my father gave me a long list of things to say to a girl.”

“What did he say?”

“A bunch of stupid shit.” Devin answered. “He told me I needed a good pick-up line but all his suggestions were garbage.”

He continued. “One of them was ‘your heart is in my soul’ and I was thinking ‘Christ, that’s the definition of trying too hard’.”

Elise giggled. “What does that even mean?”

“That’s what I thought too!” Devin exclaimed. “And like I’d take any advice from him, anyway. He told me once that when he was in high school, he actually re-enacted that ‘Say Anything’ scene where he held a boombox over his head at a girl’s house. And he did that on the first date.”

“My god.” Elise shook her head.

“Yeah, apparently her father answered the door and told him that she said to never come near her house again.”

The two both laughed.

“I swear he had no shame when he was a teen. He has a lot of funny stories from back then.” Devin said. “I think some of them might be made up. But I can totally picture him actually doing this stuff.”

Elise smiled. “Did your mom ever witness this?”

“No, my parents didn’t meet until college.” Devin responded. “By then he had matured, at least I hope he did.”

“My dad doesn’t really tell me stories from when he was younger.” Elise said. “My mom does though, sometimes. She said that she always tried to find a guy who was a good dancer.”

“Why?”

“I think because one time a guy did embarrassing dance moves with her.”

“A guy who can’t dance isn’t exactly uncommon.” Devin retorted.

“Well, I think she said she was like thirteen when it happened.” Elise explained.

“Thirteen?” Devin asked. “What was that, a middle school dance? Of course everyone’s dance moves were embarrassing.”

“Yeah, well, she still said she wanted a guy who was a good dancer.”

“Your mother is weird.”

“Both of our parents are weird.”

“Yeah.”

Devin and Elise shared a few chuckles. Devin then checked his phone.

“We should probably get going.” He said.

“Alright.” Elise stood up. “Which theater is it?”

“It’s the third one down, I think.”

“Okay.” Elise replied. “By the way, I like your outfit.”

Devin looked down at his plaid button up shirt and khakis. “Oh… you do?”

“Yeah, you seemed to want to dress nice today.” She said. “You sure this isn’t a date?”

Devin’s face turned red. “Well… I mean…”

Elise giggled. “You dork.”

Her giggling must have been contagious since pretty soon Devin was giggling too. He was being a bit of a dork, wasn’t he? Dressing up for a night like this. Elise was just wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants. He probably should’ve followed her lead instead of trying to be fancy.

But still, her teasing was all done in good natured fun, and Devin even had a smile on his face as he and Elise entered the theater. The night was a bit awkward at the start, but things finally seemed to be picking up and Devin was beginning to feel a strong connection to Elise.

***

Most of the back row seats had already been taken, so Devin and Elise settled with sitting in one of the empty center rows in the theater. It left them with a pretty good view of the screen, even if it wasn’t ideal.

After the obligatory onslaught of ads telling people to turn off their cell phones, the movie finally began. And for the most part, Devin and Elise enjoyed it. Not a masterpiece, but it was worth the watch. Devin in particular noted how it was one of the better DCU films, and was certainly an improvement over “Suicide Squad”, a film which he despised.

Sometime, during the movie, Elise rested her head on Devin’s shoulder. She didn’t exactly know why the desire to do so came over her, it just did and she obliged.

Truthfully, it felt pretty good to rest on the boy’s shoulder. It was nice, and it made her feel warm. It was a very cozy place, and she almost wanted to stay there forever.

A thought came over her, was she rushing into this too quickly? Maybe, but so was Devin. They could both rush into this together. Who knows? It might be fun.

Out of the corner of her eye, Elise noticed Devin’s hand slowly rise up into the air and then stop. It looked like Devin was contemplating whether or not to put his arm around her back.

Eventually he did, and Elise gave out a silent laugh. It seemed she had encouraged him. It was kind of strange how gentle Devin was, considering his strong advocacy for a violent revolution against the ruling class. At the same time though, Amanda did once joke about him being someone who constantly talks about violent action and then is too scared to tell an employee they got their order wrong, and if Elise was brutally honest, he did kind of give off that vibe.

Not like she minded, though.

Elise felt Devin give her shoulder a light squeeze, and she immediately smiled. This night was turning out much better than expected.

***

When the credits began rolling, Devin and Elise left the theater. There might have been a post credits scene, but they weren’t really interested. They could probably watch it on YouTube, anyway.

“I thought that was good.” Devin said once he was out of the theater. “Probably a seven or an eight out of ten.”

“I liked it too.” Elise replied. “Much better than ‘Suicide Squad’.”

“Pfft. Not even a contest.”

“Yeah, really.”

The two teenagers continued to talk about the movie until they reached the front of the building, where they sat on the same bench they did when they first arrived.

“Did you enjoy tonight?” Devin asked.

“It was great! Even if my dad was a weirdo.”

“Yeah, well there’s not much we can do about that.”

“I just hope he’s not like this next time.”

Devin gulped. “Next time?” He asked, perplexed.

“Yes.” Elise smiled. “I mean, I’m sure you want to do this again sometime, right?”

Devin stared at Elise blankly for a moment.

“Yes, of course.” He ended up saying.

“Great!” Elise replied.

The next few seconds Devin wasn’t sure what to say, or what to do either. This girl had just said she wanted to do this again? Hang out with him again? How was that even possible? Was he really about to “get serious” with her? He really wanted to, but he always imagined that to be a pipe dream. Was it actually going to become reality?

Elise saw Devin’s befuddlement, and laughed playfully at it. Man, she really liked messing with this kid, didn’t she? He reminded her of what she was like during her first love. Shocked, bewildered, and confused. Throughout the years Elise had become more adept at dealing with the feelings love brought on, but the beginnings of a relationship still always left her cheerful and giddy.

After a while, Elise stood up and beckoned Devin to follow her.

“Why don’t we go outside for a bit?” She said.

“It’s really cold out there.”

“So? My dad will probably be here soon.”

That sounded like a pretty sensible argument, Devin thought.

“Okay.” He said before following her out the door.

Elise and him went out into the cold, where they both reached a wall and laid their backs on it. They were shivering really hard.

“Maybe we should have waited inside.” Elise said.

“You think?” Devin asked dryly as he shivered. “This was a horrible idea. I don’t know why I agreed to it.”

“Hey, shut up.” Elise punched Devin’s shoulder.

He laughed. “If it makes you feel better, I do think you look great tonight.”

Elise shook her head. “Trying too hard.”

“Hey, listen. You gave me one compliment on my looks tonight, I think I have the right to give you one compliment on yours.”

“Oh, is that how this works now?”

“Yep.” Devin said. “Don’t worry, I’ll refrain from giving you any more compliments, but I should warn you that it will be very difficult.”

The pair went silent for a few seconds before laughing.

“This is stupid.”

“I know.” Elise said.

“And I’m still cold.” Devin complained. “Any way to make us less cold?”

“How about this?”

Elise went up and wrapped her arms around Devin’s waist.

Devin, surprised, tried to say something to her, but he found he couldn’t. He was once again without words. Everything that came out of his mouth was incomprehensible to the human ear.

“Love babbling cliché”, Elise thought to herself.

Devin stopped trying to speak after a while. What he did next was something that would forever shake him to his very core. For years he would have no idea how or why he got the motivation to do what he did.

He kissed her.

His lips went down to meet hers and his heart burned with passion. It was a sweet, intoxicating kiss. He almost wanted it to last forever. How could a kiss feel so good? He closed his eyes and basked in the feeling.

Elise was enjoying it, too. She had definitely encouraged him to do this, and she couldn’t be happier. Their tongues even touched and danced in each other’s mouths.

Eventually, Devin pulled his head away from Elise’s, and his blue eyes met her brown ones in a deep stare.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” Devin asked her.

The question was very blunt, mainly because Devin didn’t know how else to ask it. And the sheer bluntness of it caused both Devin and Elise to begin laughing.

“I’m pretty bad at this.” He remarked.

“I wasn’t much better at my first date either.”

Devin was relieved of a bit of his tension after that was said.

“But seriously, will you?”

Elise bit her lip, considering that question and all that it could lead to. In the end though, she did not find it at all hard to answer.

“Yes.”

Devin immediately smiled the most genuine smile he ever had in his life before hugging Elise tight to give her one last kiss. It was as if a dream of his had come true. He couldn’t believe his good luck. Elise was now his first love.

This was sure to be an experience to remember.

When Devin first went to his electrolysis session, he was told that his facial hair would take about a week to start growing back. He had already known that it would take far more than one session to remove all his facial hair, but he was still pretty stoked to have a whole week clear of it.

Looking at his face in the mirror, it was apparent that that week was over.

It was subtle, but he could see and feel some fuzz on his chin. He tried to shave all that he could off, but his attempts still left a light shadow marking the bottom half of his face.

It was a losing effort, and seeing his attempts end up futile almost made him cry, but he stopped himself. He didn’t want to be weak, he wasn’t going to cry over something like this.

Devin examined his face further in the mirror and came upon another depressing realization.

He no longer looked like a girl.

He didn’t really look like a guy either, but the 5 o’clock shadow really stood out on his face, and paired with short hair and no makeup, he could best be described as androgynous.

On the bright side, as long as he kept his mouth shut and shaved as much as he could every day, he could at least avoid being seen as male.

Still, he’d have to wait until his next electrolysis session to have a smooth face again.

Would he have another electrolysis session? Even when his parents were home? Yeah, of course he would. He wouldn’t stop the sessions because of the risk his parents would find out, which was inevitable anyway.

Shit… he really wasn’t prepared for what his parents would do if he told them his secret.

He’d deal with that when they came back. Sometime, eventually.

***

Devin was already outside waiting when noon came along. He saw Elise’s car pull up to his driveway and immediately went in.

“It is like ninety degrees out, that sweatshirt is going to kill you.”

“You want your grandparents to see my breasts?” Devin asked.

Elise grumbled. “Alright… so do you have a plan for what you’ll say?”

“Yes.” Devin pulled out his phone. “I have a document right here. I wrote down everything I need to know.”

“Let’s hope so.” Elise said as she pulled out of the driveway.

***

It was a short drive to Elise’s house. Elise lived in an area very similar to Devin, that being a small rural-like neighborhood that didn’t see much traffic or action. It was mostly pretty quiet, and like Devin, Elise didn’t see any reason to desire something different.

“Hey, Devin…” Elise said, unsure if that was the right name to use. “Me and Amanda were talking about going to Hershey Park tomorrow. Would you like to come with us?”

Devin was silent for a while before answering her question. “I, uh… don’t think you can just go to Hershey Park. Don’t you need to pick out a date and pay beforehand?”

“No, you just need to have a ticket, and besides, we have a Season Pass.” Elise said. “You did say you have a season pass, right?”

“Yeah, my parents made me get one. I don’t know why, but they did.”

“Well… if your parents made you get one, then why not put it to good use and come with us?”

“I…” Devin hesitated for a bit. “I don’t know…”

“I don’t think Amanda would care, you know.” Elise said.

Devin didn’t respond. He continued to watch the moving scenery outside the window.

He didn’t say anything, but he knew exactly what was at risk by going with them.

If he were to go to Hershey Park alongside Amanda, he’d have two options. The first was to do what he was doing right now, wear a sweatshirt in the heat. While Devin had worn sweatshirts in ninety degree weather before, he’d never done it for an extended period of time, and especially not in an amusement park, where he’d constantly be walking around and going on fast rides.

It would almost literally be hell.

There was no doubt about it, if he wore a sweatshirt at an amusement park with tomorrow’s heat, he’d probably get a heat stroke. That option was definitely off the table.

That only left the other option: going with them without the sweatshirt, which would reveal some of his more hidden assets.

Devin’s breasts were not large, but they were very noticeable. A T-Shirt would allow everyone to see them, including Amanda, who was not at all aware of his identity as “Sierra”. There was no way he could just show up to go to that amusement park without telling her about Sierra beforehand.

So that begged the question, would he tell her?

This would be the first time he told someone directly about his identity, entirely of his own volition. Telling Elise was because of an accident, this would be fully unprompted.

Beyond that, it would mean yet another person knowing of Sierra, and to Devin, that was a terrifying prospect. What if Amanda went and told everyone about Sierra? What if that was how his parents found out? He surely wasn’t ready for that. So no, he wasn’t going with them, it was too risky.

No… wait… he couldn’t give up all faith like that.

He had known Amanda for a while. She could even be considered a friend. She could keep a secret, he was sure of it. And besides, it was about time more people knew about Sierra.

He’d already told one person about her, really, what more was another? The first person would always be harder than the second. He’d already jumped over a bigger hurdle than this. He could trust Amanda. He knew he could.

“I’ll go.” Devin said.

“Really? That’s great! We’ll come pick you up at 7:30, okay?”

“Got it.”

Devin was taking a major risk with this, he just hoped it would pay off.

***

Just as Elise pulled her car into her driveway, she remembered something else she wanted to tell Devin.

“Hey, I looked up those… shaving sessions you told me about.”

“You mean electrolysis?”

“Yeah, that’s it.” Elise said. “Anyway, I learned that anyone under the age of eighteen needs a parent to approve their session.”

Devin laughed awkwardly. “I may have forged some of the details…”

Elise sighed. “You’re a wreck, Devin. A total wreck, you know that?” She continued. “Are you really telling me they just let you do the session without a parent in the room?”

“Yes.” Devin answered. “I don’t know how but yes.”

“This is all too fucking insane.” Elise said. “I don’t know how I get roped into these things.”

“That’s the price of dating me.” Devin smiled.

Elise smiled back. “Yeah, I guess it is.”

Elise rang the doorbell to her house and saw that Devin’s face was red and his body was shaking.

“Don’t die of a heat stroke out here.” She said to him.

“Sorry. I’m just nervous.”

“Yeah, I can see.” Elise said. “I think we should let your body breathe a bit when we go inside. We’ll head to my room and take that sweatshirt off.”

“Do you think they’ll let us close the door?”

“If they don’t I’ll make sure to cover you.”

“Thanks.” Devin replied.

It wasn’t long after their short conversation that Ronald opened the front door. After he did he took an odd look at Devin’s large hoodie.

“Are you trying to sweat to death, son?”

“Uh…” Devin hesitated for just a bit. “I’m cold.”

Ronald mumbled under his breath, “kids these days”, before opening the door to let the young couple inside. Devin walked in and felt the immediate relief of cool air. He took a relaxed breath.

“We’ll be leaving at 3.” Ronald said. “Make sure you know everything you’re going to say.”

“Yes, I already have everything in order.” Devin said confidently.

Devin and Elise proceeded to make their way up to Elise’s bedroom. Ronald eyed them for a bit, contemplating whether or not to prevent them from being in there together alone. He eventually decided against it, trusting them enough to behave themselves.

***

Elise shut the door to her room while Devin plopped down on one of her swivel chairs.

“This chair is a lot better than the one I have.” Devin said as he threw his sweatshirt off.

“Well, I like making myself comfortable.” Elise said.

“How comfortable?” Devin asked with a smile.

Elise simply grinned as she sat together with Devin on the seat and met his lips.

Devin lightly pushed her away while laughing. “Stop.” He said playfully. “This is exactly why your parents didn’t want us up here alone.”

Elise giggled and went in for another kiss. The two made out on the chair for a full few seconds before being interrupted by the closet doors suddenly opening.

“SURPRISE!”

The two lovers suddenly turned toward the noise, only to find Emma standing in the closet with a devilish smile on her face. That smile soon faded, however.

Elise, being startled by Emma’s reveal, had involuntarily moved away from the front of Devin’s body, and this change in position gave Emma a clear view of the two mounds of flesh protruding from Devin’s chest, as well as the bra strap that was showing on his shoulder.

There was a very awkward atmosphere in the room as the three teenagers stared at each other. Even though it felt like hours, it was probably only a few seconds afterward that Elise spoke up, finally breaking the silence.

“Emma, how many times do I have to tell you not to come in my room!?”

Usually Emma would shoot back with a snide remark or whine about how much better Elise’s room was, but not this time. She simply stood there, too shocked to move.

“GET OUT!”

Emma slowly walked out of the closet and to the door. But just as she was about to leave, Devin… Sierra said something that would shock everyone in the room, especially herself.

“No Emma, stay in here.”

Emma turned toward the two lovers sitting in the chair, a look of confusion spreading on her face.

“Devin, you do realize this is my room, right?” Elise said. “And since this is my room, I should be the one who dictates who stays and leaves.”

“I know, I know.” Sierra said. “I’ll pay you back later, but this is my fault too for letting my guard down. I’ve been doing that too much recently. She’s already seen enough, I think she should be told about this.”

Elise and Emma looked at each other, neither one saying nor doing anything except wearing expressions of contemplation on their faces.

After a while, Elise nodded her head at Emma, to which she took a seat on Elise’s bed.

“Oh, by the way, Elise.” Sierra said, a bit meekly. “It’s Sierra.”

Emma’s eyes grew wide at the sound of the feminine name Sierra had given herself.

“My bad, Sierra.” Elise said. “I’ll try to be better with that.”

Sierra nodded, then turned toward Emma, who was now starting to look considerably more relaxed. This, in turn, made Sierra more relaxed as well.

Sierra’s initial shock at what she was doing was slowly dying down. She was definitely taking a risk doing this, but at the same time she felt it needed to be done. It seemed that after agreeing to go on that amusement park trip alongside Amanda, she had become more open to telling people about her identity. And in a case like this, where Emma had seen her body firsthand, she believed it to be a necessity.

“First off.” Elise started. “I’m serious about you coming in my room without my permission. Please stop doing it.”

Emma, finally finding her voice, groaned. “Okay.”

“I mean it.” Elise repeated.

Emma stuck her tongue out.

“I swear you do not act your age. You act way younger than you are.”

“Alright.” Sierra said, interrupting the two sisters’ minor spat. “Let’s get focused here.”

Sierra took a moment to gather her thoughts as she prepared for what she was about to say.

“So, I’m sure you have a lot of questions.” She said. “Like, ‘why do you have breasts’ or ‘why do you have a bra’. Well, the answer is kind of long…”

“Klinefelter’s.” Emma said. “Do you have Klinefelter’s?”

Sierra, a bit puzzled, answered “uh… no, I don’t.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, umm… so, for the past eight months, I’ve been ordering some pills online. And-”

“Is that legal?” Emma interrupted.

“Probably not.” Sierra answered. “Anyway, like I was saying, I’ve been ordering some pills online which are meant to decrease male hormones and increase female ones.”

“Oh my god.” Emma replied.

“What?”

“My sister is dating a tranny!?”

Sierra cringed as Elise grew irate. “Don’t call her that!”

“Well that’s what he is.” Emma said, putting extra emphasis on “he”.

“No, she is not. That’s an offensive term, stop saying it.”

“Ugh… fine.” Emma groaned. “So you want to be a girl. You want to be a girl so much that you ordered illegal stuff off the internet. But why do you want to be a girl?”

“I…” Sierra stumbled upon her words. Truthfully she didn’t know the answer to this question. The only thing she could come up with was that being male was an unbearable state of existence for her, which wasn’t an answer most people seemed to be satisfied with.

“Because… I didn’t like being a guy.” Sierra answered. “It was… it was the body. It was so disgusting. So hideous. The black, thick body hair, the strong jawline, the deep voice, the awful smell, the constant fear of a receding hairline, and that… horrid thing between my legs. It made me want to throw up. I couldn’t take it. It was so bad I became numb to it. Pretended it didn’t bother me at all.”

Sierra continued. “These pills… they’ve made my life so much better. I couldn’t live without them. I’d rather die. My body is slowly becoming something I can live with. And it’s not even just my body, the pills have affected my mind too. They’ve made me think differently.”

“They made you think differently?” Emma asked. “How? Are you saying that the hormones made you want to talk about your feelings more? That they made you like shopping, and boys, and clothes and that kind of stuff?”

“What? No… what are you talking about?”

“It sounds like you just want to be pretty.”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all.” Sierra countered. “I mean… I would like to be pretty, but… you weren’t even listening to a word I was saying.”

“I did hear what you were saying, and it sounds like you need help, real help.” Emma said. “You have a mental illness. I can support gay people but this trans stuff is too much.”

“Emma, you’re ignorant.” Elise retorted. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The best thing for trans people to do is transition.”

“I don’t believe that.” Emma said. “I believe there are two genders and you are what you’re born as.”

“Okay, well actually biological sex is a bit more complicated than-”

“Just stop talking, okay? I’ve heard enough. I’m done.” Emma promptly stood up and made her way to the door.

“Wait!” Sierra called out.

Emma turned around, her arms crossed.

“Just… please don’t tell anyone about this.”

Emma looked Sierra right in the eye. “I won’t tell anyone, but I’m not going to support your mental illness. You are not a girl. You should stop taking illegal pills on the internet and get help for your delusions.”

She left the room without saying another word, leaving the couple alone to sit down and contemplate what was said.

“I’m so sorry.” Elise said after a while. “I didn’t think she’d be like that.”

Sierra sighed. “It’s okay. I really don’t care that much. I mean, she’s a fifteen year old who acts like she’s ten and has an ego the size of the sun. Why should I care what she thinks?”

“Yeah.” Elise giggled. “You’re right.”

Sierra smiled before her demeanor quickly turned somber.

“What is it?” Elise asked. “It’s okay if Emma’s words bothered you. I’d understand.”

“It’s not her.” Sierra replied. “It’s just that… so many people don’t understand me, and don’t even try.” Sierra rubbed her left hand through her face. “I know this is stupid to say but… in all those TG stories everyone accepts the main character as a girl almost immediately. Why can’t real life be like that?”

Elise wrapped her arms around Sierra and hugged her tight. Sierra smiled and leaned into her.

At least she could always count on her for support.

Devin, wearing his sweatshirt, braced himself for the outside heat before walking out the front door.

What could possibly be a worse combination than a thick hoodie and the summer sun?

As he was walking toward Elise’s car, he was struck with more nervousness than he initially anticipated, mainly because a few minutes earlier, Ronald and Julie said that they weren’t going to be coming with them.

They said they thought it would be best if Devin and Elise handled this interaction alone, considering that getting Devin to talk to Elise’s grandparents in the first place was not their idea. Why they didn’t say this earlier was beyond the young couple. It was a frustrating move, to say the least.

Devin wasn’t quite sure why not having Elise’s parents with them during the interaction made him nervous. Perhaps it was a remnant of his early childhood that never fully went away, one that made him more comfortable around supporting adults.

Or maybe it was because Emma’s transphobia really had gotten to him more than he wanted to admit.

Regardless, he walked into the passenger’s seat of Elise’s car, buckled his seatbelt, and tried to relax as much as he could.

“I can’t believe them.” Elise said from the driver’s seat. “Telling us at the very last minute. What’s their deal?”

“I don’t know.” Devin replied.

“It pisses me off. We’re not even at my grandparent’s house and I’m already pissed off.”

Devin sighed as Elise pulled out of the driveway and began the journey to her grandparent’s house. He stared out the window and watched the trees and scenery go by.

***

Elise’s grandparents didn’t live very far away. It was only about a forty minute drive to their house. In this way, Devin envied her. Even if both of their grandparents had very backwards beliefs, she at least got to see them more. Devin’s grandparents had moved to Florida years ago, and he hadn’t been able to see them since.

As Elise pulled her car into their driveway, Devin gulped and failed to hide his nervousness.

“You okay?” Elise asked.

“Yeah.” Devin said. “I get nervous a lot. It’s no big deal. I’m still prepared.”

“Good.” Elise parked her car. “We’re going to need you to bring your A-game today.”

“Yeah, I will. I’m sure of it.”

Devin and Elise got out of the car and began making their way to the front door of the grandparent’s house. Devin closed his eyes once Elise rang the doorbell.

“Focus”. “Be calm”. “You can do this”.

He had numerous conversations involving politics with other students in school in the past year. He knew he wasn’t the best, and could sometimes come across as very irate, but he was able to convince people of some of his views.

He just had to steer these two off a bad path. To prevent them from becoming too crazy. There was no way he’d instantly make them leftists in one conversation, and he didn’t even want to do that anyway.

Just go in, talk with them, and explain why their views are wrong.

The door eventually opened to reveal an old woman in a t-shirt and jeans.

“Oh, Elise. I didn’t know you were coming over.” She said. “And you brought Devin over too. Here to show him off?” She grinned.

Elise gave a half forced smile. “No, he just wanted to visit. You know he can barely see his own grandparents these days.”

“Of course.” The grandmother replied.

Devin followed Elise into the house and to the living room. They both took a seat on one of the large couches.

“If you’re hungry.” The grandmother said. “Then there’s plenty of stuff in the kitchen.”

“We’re good.” Elise said.

From the living room, the young couple heard the grandmother take a few frustrated steps out of the kitchen.

“Where is that old man?” They heard her say angrily. “Can’t even greet our guests.”

She went into one of the rooms at the end of the hall.

Devin leaned back into the couch and breathed loudly. Elise gave him a hug and a kiss on the lips.

“Consider that your good luck kiss.”

Devin smiled before the door to that room opened and the two grandparents came out walking to the living room.

“Man, why don’t you ever announce yourselves.” The grandfather complained.

“We wanted a surprise visit.” Elise said.

“Yeah, well, I’ve had it with these surprises.”

Internally, Devin groaned. Great, he was in a bad mood. Now this was going to be even harder. Well, it wasn’t too big a deal, he just needed to talk about something other than politics to start off, in order to lighten him up and build some trust.

The grandfather took a seat on a couch in the living room while the grandmother chose one of the seats to the right of him.

Devin almost let out a forced cough before he stopped himself. “So…” he said. “How has your day been?”

“Listen kid, I know why you’re here.” The grandfather replied.

“You… do?” Devin asked, surprised.

“Yeah, my daughter’s worried I’m too extreme. I’ve heard you have some strong political beliefs. I bet you’re here to set me straight.”

“I… uh…” Devin stumbled over his words. Wow, this was not off to a good start at all, they knew exactly why he was here and they were not happy about it. Shit.

Devin was only worried for a few seconds before he collected himself and remembered what he thought to himself earlier.

“Focus”. “Be calm”. “You can do this.”

“Yes. That’s what I’m here for.” Devin said in a very straightforward tone.

“Alright then. Now I know I’m right.” The grandfather said. “You know, I really gotta tell you, those parents of your girlfriend don’t know what they’re talking about. If not having the same opinion as the liberal media means ‘I’m too extreme’, then so be it.”

Devin nodded. “Okay.” He said. He wanted to start this off by having the grandfather explain his perspective.

“I’ve been around a long time and what I know is that the left is ruining this country. You look at what the democrats are doing, freeing criminals, giving immigrants everything in the world while not paying attention at all to actual Americans, and trying to take down Trump for four years. All they’ve been doing is trying to get Trump out of office, getting rid of everything he’s done. Trump actually gets things done and they don’t like that.”

Wow, Devin thought, this guy is even more predictable than I thought.

The grandfather’s perspective was basically everything you’d expect from the average boomer republican. A completely delusional idea of what the democrats are? Check. Thinking Donald Trump was the savior of the nation? Check. Thinking that there’s a giant conspiracy to get Trump out of office? Check.

How could these people believe the democrats are part of the left? What do they think the left even is?

“I think you have a very warped perception of what the Democratic Party is. They are not ‘freeing criminals’, nor have they really made any big moves to get Trump out of office.” Devin said. “There isn’t a giant conspiracy to get Trump out of office. There simply isn’t.”

“How can you say that knowing what the democrats are doing? Are you even paying attention? They said they wanted to ‘defund the police’.” The grandfather argued. “They’ve been trying to get rid of Trump for years. There is no way in hell Biden won the 2020 election. They stole the election from Trump.”

“There is no evidence of any mass voter fraud. Multiple investigations have proved this. Nothing has turned up. It’s simply the truth that Trump did not win the 2020 election.”

“And who did those investigations? The democrats who wanted to make sure Trump lost? There have been a ton of cases where dead people have filled in ballots for Joe Biden, and they’re still being counted.”

“Except there… isn’t. The amount of ballots casted by ‘dead people’ is extremely insignificant, and the idea that they all vote democrat is just false.”

“If you ask me, I think the fact that the media is preventing us from knowing the truth about 2020 is fascism. Democrats call republicans fascist while participating in a fascist takeover of government against Trump.”

“I don’t think you understand what fascism is. Fascism is not just anything you don’t like or anything you think ‘the left’ is doing.” Devin stated. “Fascism is a far right, authoritarian, ultranationalist ideology that is built on social hierarchy and suppression of opposition.”

“Fascism does not have to be far right.” The grandfather said. “Do you really believe google has the best definition of fascism? That they’re not lying to serve an agenda?”

“That is the definition of fascism. If you don’t like it then that’s your problem. It’s certainly not vaccine mandates or critical race theory or anything else you complain about.”

“Now, hold on, I said the government is trying to control us with that stuff. The vaccines and critical race theory are things that the democrats are trying to push to fulfill an agenda. To make us hate white people and this country.”

“Vaccine mandates have literally been a thing since the 1800s. People keep saying ‘what about the rights of people who don’t want the vaccine’? Well, what about the rights of immunocompromised people who can’t share a workplace with people afraid of a needle? The vaccine is free anyway, and statistically most people who don’t want to get it think vaccines are useless and dangerous. These people have no reason not to get the vaccine.”

“Why should I be forced to make a medical decision I don’t want to? Aren’t you the people who say ‘my body, my choice’?”

“That’s not even close to the same thing and you know it.” Devin said sternly.

“If you want to say so.” The grandfather countered harshly. “But people have been getting arrested for not getting the vaccine and now you need vaccine passports to travel cause the government wants to enforce their agenda onto you.”

“Yes, vaccine passports have been a thing for a long time, how else do you think we beat smallpox?”

“Is that really all you have to say? That these things have actually been around for a long time and it doesn’t matter that the government is now suddenly starting to push them?”

“I mean, yeah.” Devin answered. “The last time we’ve had a worldwide pandemic was like a hundred years ago.”

“I swear all you libs are all the same. It’s like you’re not even looking at what’s happening right in front of your eyes. They’re trying to demonize people who don’t want the vaccine and ‘other’ them. It’s insane. They want us to hate each other.”

Devin took a breath before making his next point. “Would you give someone who refuses to put a seatbelt on a driver’s license?”

“How is that even relevant to this?”

“Answer the question.”

“No, I won’t, because you just want to make some comparison that isn’t there.”

“I wanted to use another example to prove why some safety measures need to be mandatory.”

“Yeah, except one doesn’t affect your body and one does.”

“Seatbelts do affect your body, how can you-” Devin paused. He then took a deep breath and suppressed a groan. “Whatever, you seem to think you know more about vaccines than doctors and scientists, which is just-”

“When did I ever say that?” The grandfather interrupted.

“You certainly implied it by what you were saying, arguing against mandates, perfectly normal public health measures.”

“I think you have tunnel vision, you only see what you want to. Anything that goes against your narrative, you ignore. It’s why you’re okay with critical race theory.”

“Do you know what critical race theory is?”

“I…” The grandfather hesitated. “Okay, I admit I don’t know exactly what it is.”

Elise turned her head away to hide her laughing as Devin continued. “So why are you complaining about it?”

“Because I know it’s being used to serve an agenda against America. The left wants to say everything is racist. It’s making white kids hate themselves. There was a story about a little white girl who came home from school crying asking why people hated her. It’s dividing America and making us hate white people.”

“There is no evidence that any white kid was severely distressed by any lessons regarding racism. But do you know who has been distressed by issues involving race? People of color. They don’t get the luxury of not having to learn about race as kids. It’s something that’s forced upon them. So why don’t we make it so white kids also learn about race at a young age? It would be helpful for everyone.”

“Why don’t we preach love, and loving each other? That’s what MLK wanted. For people to be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin.”

“Yeah, MLK’s legacy has been severely whitewashed. He was much more radical than conservatives believe.” Devin said. “He publicly denounced capitalism and imperialism, and wanted white people to examine themselves and their actions more. The ‘I have a dream’ speech was mostly just a far off goal he knew couldn’t be reached any time soon. That’s why he called it a dream.”

“None of that means that he would’ve supported Critical Race Theory if it was around back then. He never said to hate white people.”

“Actually, Critical Race Theory was a thing back in the 60s, and MLK would’ve absolutely supported it.” Devin explained. “An analysis of how racism is ingrained in legal institutions, even in cases where no law is explicitly racist, is something he would’ve agreed with. In fact, he likely did say something about that, but I don’t know for sure. I’m not an expert on MLK.”

“I don’t know where you get all this stuff from, MLK supported loving each other, he would not have agreed with lessons telling white people to hate themselves. That’s fascism.”

“It’s not fascism, and honestly it’s really funny that you of all people are complaining about fascism so much.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I mean, you complain about fascism when you literally parrot fascist conspiracy theories and lies.”

“What ‘fascist lies’ have I parroted?”

“That Jewish people control banks.”

“What? That?” The grandfather asked. “It’s just true that the Jews controlled the banks in Germany. Shouldn’t be wrong to say that. I don’t get why everyone’s freaking out.”

“Maybe it’s because that line of thinking was used to push the idea that Jewish people needed to be systemically murdered?” Devin said. “And no, it isn’t a fact. It’s not true. Where did you find that, anyway? What’s the statistic?”

The grandfather stood still with a bit of a puzzled expression for a bit. “I mean… I don’t have the exact statistic right now, but yes there were more Jews controlling banks than other groups.”

“Alright, it’s actually fine that you don’t have a statistic right now because I have one. Jewish people controlled less than one percent of the banks in the Weimar Republic. That is the fact. There was no ‘Jewish control of banks’. It was a nazi lie and an antisemitic conspiracy theory.”

“And where did you find that?”

“A report called ‘Gentile-Jewish Relations’.”

“Really? One source over a bunch of scholars and historians agreeing with me? Do you even-”

“Why does it matter?” Devin asked, harshly.

“What?”

“Why does it matter?” Devin repeated, slowly stating each word for emphasis.

“Why does it matter?” The grandfather was stumped. “Well… I mean…”

“Why are you trying to push this claim so much? What are you gaining? ‘Owning the libs’? Why are you spreading something that was used as a justification for mass murder?”

“I…”

“Does it actually matter if Jewish people had more control of banks, which they didn’t, but would it have mattered if they did? Would it have made the holocaust justified? Have you even thought about-”

“Okay fine I admit that was a stupid thing to go on about.”

“Good, I’m glad we agree.”

“And before you ask about it, I’ll say I don’t believe in that QAnon stuff either.”

“That’s good too.”

“Yeah, I don’t think the democrats are sucking the blood out of children in some satanic cult or whatever, but you can not deny that they want Trump gone and will destroy this country to get rid of him.”

Devin sighed. This was going to be a long conversation.

***

The conversation had been going on for about forty minutes at this point. The grandmother still hadn’t said a word, instead choosing to listen on with what looked like a face of slight disappointment.

Elise sighed and held her head in her hand. This was not going well. Not even remotely. They had long since passed talking about anything that her parents originally mentioned. Now they were just bouncing from topic to topic, seemingly going nowhere. The grandfather was still angry and even Devin was starting to get agitated but was trying to keep cool.

“Didn’t you see those people? Looting and burning buildings.” The grandfather said. “A bunch of criminals! How is that supposed to help the cause of ‘fighting racism’?”

“Okay, first off, over ninety percent of those protests were peaceful.” Devin countered. “And second, you’re really missing the point of what a protest is. They’re supposed to bring attention to an issue. And now people are talking about the issue here, police brutality. And you know, maybe after decades, centuries even, of black people facing violent oppression, and the police and U.S. government being violent, I can’t really find it in me to care about any protestors being violent. I don’t care about the looting either. Decades of deliberate underfunding of black communities, not to mention the billions of dollars stolen each year in wage theft is what I’d consider the real looting.”

“Those people were rich college kids that were opportunists. They just wanted to steal shit, that was it. And in some black businesses too.” The grandfather said. “These people think everything is unfair. They do shit because they want to. They said they only wanted to tear down the statues of confederates, and then they tore down George Washington. Even Abraham Lincoln! The man who freed the slaves!”

“I actually saw that Lincoln statue they wanted to take down and honestly I understand why. It presents Abraham Lincoln as some kind of ‘white savior’ who was worshiped by all former slaves. Someone who single handedly led black people to freedom.” Devin explained. “It’s racist as hell, especially when you realize Lincoln wasn’t actually all that concerned with ending slavery, and was even willing to keep it.”

“These people are destroying our country. People like George Washington wanted to make a great nation and now people are trying to destroy it!”

“I mean… a few people taking down a statue is not really going to do that much to this country overall. What real power do these people have? Nothing really happened because of this.” Devin pointed out. “And besides, George Washington was a slave owner who killed countless indigenous people. Literally forty entire indigenous villages were destroyed on his orders. It makes total sense why people would want to tear his statue down.”

“You really want to judge people from two hundred years ago with the standards of today? That’s what so many people from your generation are doing and they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.” The grandfather argued. “George Washington founded this country and gave you the right to bicker about all this shit. How the hell are you going to complain about slavery when you have a fucking cell phone!?”

“I’ve heard this so many times and it is just not a good argument.”

“Oh really!?” The grandfather asked, angrily. “Oh okay then educate me. Tell me why what I said was stupid.”

“Well, first off, I appreciate the admission that capitalism requires slave labor to exist. Anyway…” The grandfather tried to interrupt but Devin shut him down. “There is a huge difference between buying something that is basically necessary to life that was made with slave labor, and literally being a slave owner. Especially… especially when all your other options were also made with slave labor. What you’re saying is like comparing a random person who buys a phone to the CEOs of those phone companies profiting off slave labor. You think the people who bought crops made by slaves back in the 1800s are condemned as much as the slave owners themselves nowadays? No, they’re not.”

The grandfather continued to try to talk over Devin, but Devin still forced out his point. “And what’s all this stuff about ‘you can’t judge people in the past for their actions’? What about all the slaves that Washington worked to death and whipped and tortured? The ones that weren’t freed after his death like some history books state? What about them? Why don’t we ever consider the oppressed’s perspective when ‘judging people from the past’?”

“You people always act like slavery was a uniquely American thing. It happened before America formed and it happened after. People always forget about the Arab slave trade and all that. Lasted centuries longer and millions more people enslaved.”

Devin groaned. “Every time. Every single time we do a little introspection on the U.S. and talk about its crimes, people always pivot back to some other thing. It’s annoying.”

“So you’re proving to me that you have no real answer? That there’s nothing that America has done that’s worse than any other country and you just want to hate on America. Shut up and enjoy your freedom that millions have died fighting for.”

At that moment, something inside Devin snapped. He had been relatively able to contain his anger before, but now the floodgates had opened and he could not stop the out-pouring waterfall. Elise sighed as she realized what he was about to do.

“You want to know what I think?” Devin stood up. “You want to know what I think about the United States? I’ll tell you what I think. I fucking hate the U.S. and everything it stands for. This awful fucking country has done barely any good and has shrouded the world in terror for years. We start out by genociding a bunch of indigenous people. Every few years we said, ‘we won’t take any more of your land, we promise’. And then we take more of their land. Hell, we took one of their beautiful mountains and carved our own leaders’ fucking faces into it. And we didn’t even finish the project and you can tell because it looks like dogshit. And of course, then there was the slavery. One of the largest slave trades in history. So much of this land was built on fucking slave labor.”

Devin continued. “And then you flash forward a bit and what do you get? The U.S. overthrowing socialist governments all around the world and installing brutal dictatorships that killed millions. Salvador Allende killed in Chile and then replaced with Augusto Pinochet. All in the fight against communism, they said. We fucking decimated North Korea and Vietnam. All in the fight against communism, they said. We illegally occupied Hawai’i for decades and then forced them to be a state where they depend on tourism. We spread so much shit about the USSR when we were torturing our own immigrants and promoting the segregation and oppression of black people at home. We made their lives hell.”

“And now you have today, where the U.S. is funding the shit out of Saudi Arabia and Israel and helping them genocide Yemen and Palestine. We drone strike weddings and hospitals. We’ve killed a million Iraqis in that invasion based on a fucking lie. We run a torture camp in Cuba and also have an embargo against them. We hit countries with so many fucking sanctions that their citizens starve to death. Fuck, just earlier this year we took a shit ton of money away from Afghanistan after destabilizing their country for years, causing a huge famine. Fuck America! This country is fucking shit and the day it dies will be one of grand celebration!”

At this point Devin was red faced and his hoodie was almost making him sweat. There was a silence that hung in the room after his long, passionate rant.

Elise cringed and shook her head. Devin may have been correct in many of his assertions, but her grandfather was a devout patriot who loved his country. There was no way he’d be swayed by such harsh criticism of it.

Unfortunately, just as Elise had predicted, the grandfather did not take well to what Devin said. His face turned into one of pure disgust and contempt. From his perspective, what he thought was the greatest country in history was shat on by someone he thought was uneducated. And he was going to have none of it.

“I challenge you to find any country in history that has a better history.” He said. “If you want to live in a socialist country, then go there and starve to death. Now get the hell out of my house.”

He said nothing more after that.

Devin looked around the room silently for a bit, then got up and walked out. Elise soon followed him and the front door was shut with a quiet creak, one that almost sounded like a whimper.

Elise stared at Devin with furrowed eyebrows. It took a while before she was finally able to form words.

“What was that?”

“What?” Devin asked. “Oh, don’t tell me you’re siding with him.”

“No, he’s insane, but what was your plan? Just bash America knowing that he loves this country? How was that supposed to convince him of anything?”

“Look, if he can’t handle criticism of the U.S. then that’s his problem. He’s been blinded by propaganda. And besides, he doesn’t believe the nazi stuff anymore, that’s enough for me.”

Devin turned and began walking toward the car.

“He was kind of right about that last point, you know.”

Devin stopped and turned around, seeing Elise hadn’t moved.

“What?”

“I mean, can you think of a single country that hasn’t committed genocide? That hasn’t enslaved people? That hasn’t overthrown governments?”

Devin didn’t respond at first, instead choosing to stand there in silence. It took some time before the words finally came out.

“Can you think of a single country in the last few centuries that’s done it as much as us? Maybe the U.K. and some other European countries, and also Japan, but that’s irrelevant. People around the world were polled and they said the U.S. was the greatest threat to world peace. It’s just the truth that we’re really bad, and the rest of the developed world supports us in spite of it.”

Elise, not wanting to argue any more, simply began walking with Devin toward the car. The young couple was not especially happy to give mostly bad news to Elise’s parents, but it was what needed to be done.

Just as Elise was about to enter the driveway, the front door opened and a voice called out, “hey, could you two come over here for a bit?”

Devin and Elise turned around to see Elise’s grandmother, whose face had an expression of empathy, almost pity.

The two teenagers walked toward the grandmother curiously.

“I wanted to talk to you two. My husband’s mad and doesn’t want to come out of his room.”

“What is it?” Elise asked her.

“Well, I wanted to thank you two for your talk.”

Devin and Elise were in shock at this reply. “Really?” Devin asked, puzzled.

“What you said were things I never really considered before. It was… interesting. I think you made some pretty good points.”

Devin’s face reddened. “Oh, well, you know, it was just some stuff I read up on the internet.”

“You did a pretty good job at stating all your points. I think you have a good future in politics ahead of you.”

“I mean…” Devin was nearly stunned by the praise he was getting. “I did kind of… lose my temper at the end there…”

“Trust me, I’ve heard way worse, even from my husband.” She replied. “When you get to my age you’ll have heard a ton of people scream their heads off about politics.”

Devin nodded his head with a chuckle.

“Okay, I’ll let you two go now. I’ll try to calm my husband down. Have a nice day, and oh, Elise? Keep this boy under control. Don’t let him say anything too crazy.”

Elise looked over to Devin, and laughed. “Oh, I will. Don’t worry.”

The grandmother smiled, said “good bye”, then shut the door. Elise had an odd and somewhat confused expression as Devin turned to face her.

“Well, I’d say that was a success.”

“This could also just result in them arguing more.” Elise said. “Putting a dent in their marriage.”

“Look, do you know how many boomers make jokes about hating their wife?” Devin asked. “These two have been married for what? Forty years or something? They’ll be fine.”

“I still think you could’ve handled that better. Treated it more like a discussion than a debate. Would’ve done some good.”

Devin sighed as he and Elise began walking back to the car. “I wish it could’ve been like that too. But politics is just… it’s not a very civil thing. It’s usually pretty violent. And I’m not just talking about people yelling in debates, I’m talking about real world events. Oppression, war, famine, these are not peaceful things. They’re violent, brutal acts that cause millions to suffer every day. The world, the terror brought upon by imperialist rich countries, all revolves around violence. Maybe in a just world, we could have politics without violence, but in our current society it is simply impossible. True peace will never be achieved without some major changes.”

Elise chuckled. “So profound.” She nudged Devin’s shoulder. “Maybe you could be a famous philosopher.”

“Oh Christ, don’t say that. If my ego gets too big it will be insufferable for everyone.”

Devin and Elise both laughed at that statement.

As the two lovers got into the car and began the drive home, Devin began reminiscing on his conversation with the grandparents. At first, it had seemed like a complete failure and waste of time, but he came away with an unexpected victory. Was it luck? Perhaps. But he liked to think that he had some form of rhetorical skills. After all, he had heard someone say debates were more about convincing the audience than your opponent.

Elise was probably right though, he should’ve handled that talk differently. But what was done was done.

Maybe he could learn from this, when the time came to tell his parents about Sierra.

Devin and Elise walked back into the Gerding household with a loud slam of the front door.

“Geez.” Ronald said. “You don’t have to hit it that hard, it’ll close.”

“Sorry.” Devin muttered.

Ronald’s eyes went back to his laptop.

“How did it go?” Julie asked.

“Oh, it went…” Elise’s voice trailed off as she looked over to Devin. She then smiled. “It went well, actually.”

“Really?” Julie questioned. “What did they say?”

Devin remained silent, unable to find any words. It just felt… uncomfortable to be in the middle of a family drama, particularly one of a family you’re not a part of.

Hopefully Elise wouldn’t mind having to do all the talking here.

“Well… grandpa was a bit iffy.” Insane understatement. “But grandma seemed to come around.”

“That’s good.” Julie replied. “Is he… mad?” She then asked in a bit of a worried tone.

“Grandpa? Yeah, a bit.” Elise admitted. “But I think he’ll be over it soon. Grandma’s gonna try to talk to him.”

Ronald almost let out a scornful laugh, but he controlled himself.

“I don’t think they’ll be having as many political problems in the future.” Elise finished.

“Good, hopefully we won’t have to have those… conversations with them anymore.” Julie responded. “You did very good, Elise.”

“Oh, actually, Devin did all the talking. He was the one who was supposed to change their minds, remember?” Elise motioned toward Devin.

“Oh, right.” Julie replied. “Thank you, Devin.”

Devin smiled and nodded his head. “No problem. It was nothing, really.”

Ronald glanced outside through the living room window, and saw the sun on its way to setting. “You should probably head home now.” He said to Devin. “It’s getting late.”

“Oh, umm… actually I texted my parents and they said if you two were okay with it, I could stay here for the night.”

Ronald paused, the proposition immediately floating around in his mind after being stated. His gut instinct was to shout ‘no’, to forbid any boy from sleeping with Elise in her room. But those days of being an overprotective father had passed. He was trying to be better, to loosen his grip on his daughters and let them live a little more.

No boy had ever slept over at their house for the night. It seemed that if he allowed it, a big line would be crossed and they could never go back. Was Ronald ready for that?

Elise gave her parents a sweet smile, with both her sets of teeth showing. Ronald looked over to Julie and saw her nod at him, as if to say she was okay with Devin staying over.

Ronald turned to Devin with a stern expression.

“Can I see this text?”

Devin went to his pockets and pulled out his phone. He opened the messaging app and handed it to Ronald. To his surprise, Devin was not lying. He really had texted his parents, and they really had said it was fine.

Ronald handed Devin back his phone. “Okay, you can stay the night, and you can sleep in the same room. But not in the same bed, you understand?”

“Yes.” Devin nodded.

Ronald turned back to his laptop while Devin and Elise headed out to the car, driving to Devin’s house so he could pick up a few things.

“You know, I was almost tempted to correct your mother’s bad grammar, but I didn’t want to be a smartass.”

“Are you talking about her saying ‘you did good’?”

“Yeah, it bugs me. That’s not what ‘doing good’ means.”

Elise laughed. “My old spanish teacher always got mad at people misusing ‘doing good’ and ‘doing well’. Most people misused those terms just to piss her off. Maybe I should start doing the same for you.”

Devin scoffed.

***

Devin came back to the Gerding household an hour later, with a bag, a phone charger, a change of clothes, his hormonal medication, and, at Elise’s behest, swimwear. It looked like it was going to be an eventful night.

Elise’s parents didn’t really care if she used the pool without telling them. Their only rules were “it has to be over 80 degrees and be inside by 10:00”. And with how hot it was, even with dusk on its way, the first requirement was surely fulfilled.

Devin took a seat down on the couch in Elise’s basement. Her inground pool was just outside the screen door. It was quite a sight. A large, clean body of water with a deep end reaching to about seven feet. It was a wonder the Gerding family managed to afford it.

There were many things Elise had that Devin was jealous of, most of which he would never admit to her, but jealousy of her pool was something he didn’t care to keep a secret. He let her know about it, probably a few too many times.

Elise stepped out of the bathroom wearing a red bikini. It was very eye-catching, and it certainly got Devin’s attention.

“You look… umm…” Devin was at a loss for words. Seeing her like this had caught him off guard. This was the first time he had seen Elise in a bikini in person. Elise was known to host a few pool parties over summers, but they had only been dating for a little over a year, and the lockdowns last summer made pool parties impossible.

Elise giggled at his inability to form words. “It’s just a bikini. Have you never seen one before?”

Devin took an audible breath. It shouldn’t have been such a shock, and yet he was still very much enamored with Elise’s appearance. Perhaps it was because he actually hadn't seen a lot of Elise’s body. Their relationship was not a very physical one. So seeing her like this really put into perspective just how hot she was.

“So are you gonna keep staring or are you gonna put on your swimsuit?” Elise asked.

Devin was shook out of his shocked phase. “Sorry… I’ll, uh, change now.”

Devin grabbed his swimwear and went inside the bathroom.

Elise opened the screen door, taking in the setting summer sun. She sat on the edge of the pool, dipping her feet into the water.

There was a part of her that wanted to get Devin in a bikini, but intellectually she knew what an awful idea that was. If her parents caught the sight of it, they’d absolutely start asking questions. Devin would likely be outed before he was ready. Plus, she could tell Devin was still pretty uncomfortable with his new feminized body. Definitely more comfortable than before, but not at a level where he was okay with showing it off.

Elise heard someone walking down the stairs. She turned to the basement to see Emma standing there.

“You are not going swimming with us.” Elise told her sternly.

“Like I’d want to do that. I just wanted to see what your boyfriend will wear.”

“Go away!”

Emma groaned. “Fine, but I’d love to see your boyfriend try to put on a bikini and hide his big ass bulge.”

“I really wish you’d shut the fuck up.” Elise said harshly.

Emma smirked and walked away. As she did, the bathroom door opened and she made eye contact with Devin, who was wearing a swim shirt and swim trunks. She could clearly see breasts through his shirt, albeit not very big ones, and she could also see that his whole body looked really smooth. He certainly had the skin of a woman, if nothing else.

Emma chuckled. “You look stupid.” She then ran off upstairs. Devin raised an eyebrow, wondering how she could possibly think that was a good insult. She was trying way too hard to make him feel bad, and it wasn’t working. Well, it had worked a little, but he didn’t want to admit that

Devin soon began walking toward the opened screen door, seeing Elise already there waiting for him. She had an infectious smile on her face as she pushed herself off the edge and went into the water. He couldn’t help but smile along with her.

He got to the pool, and took the steps into the water, meeting up with Elise. Together, they probably looked ridiculous. Here Devin was with one of the hottest girls in school in her amazing bikini, wearing a swim shirt, trunks, and water shoes, covering almost his entire body. He might as well be wearing a huge sign on his back saying “I am insecure about my body”.

Devin always had problems with swimwear, ever since the onset of puberty. He couldn’t be shirtless, ever. It made him very uncomfortable and self-conscious. The thought of people being able to see his body made him recoil in fear and disgust. And as for the water shoes, Devin essentially had whatever the opposite of a foot fetish was. He hated his own feet so much he’d absolutely refuse to be barefoot. Unless he was in the shower, there was always something on his feet. He didn’t know why he was so repulsed by his feet, maybe it had to do with dysphoria, he couldn’t figure it out.

To give himself some credit, it wasn’t like he could be shirtless these days, even if he wanted to. It was probably illegal for him now, anyway. So at least he had some excuse for his clothing.

Elise wrapped her arms around Devin’s neck and gave him a deep kiss. Their tongues pressed together and they proceeded to make out for a long, long time.

***

The sun had just set, leaving the sky covered in a dark blue that was getting closer to black every second. Paired with the lights that had turned on around the patio, it made for an incredible atmosphere.

Elise was half-floating, half-swimming around Devin in a teasing manner. They just had a race. Who could swim to the end of the pool and back the fastest? Elise won, easily.

“My grandma can swim faster than you.”

Devin snickered. “Yeah, I’m not an athlete. Never was. I’m always going to blame my asthma.”

“What happened to all that male strength?” Elise asked, smiling.

“Eight months of testosterone suppression evaporated it all pretty quickly.” Devin answered, despite knowing Elise didn’t ask that question in earnest. “I basically had no muscles before and now I have even less.”

“Hmm.” Elise replied. “When did you notice it?” This time the question was genuine.

“Don’t know, it’s hard to tell.” Devin responded. “I remember it was about… four months, I think? I was having a noticeably harder time moving heavy things around than I used to.”

“Did your parents notice?”

“I’m sure if my parents noticed that, then they noticed every other weird thing I did.”

Elise giggled for a bit, imagining all the dumb hijinks Devin got into trying to hide his changes.

When she stopped laughing, her face turned more serious.

“Will you tell your parents?”

There was a pause, one that lasted for far too long, after that question was asked. The answer was given in a tone that felt more like defeat than anything else.

“I don’t think I have much of a choice.”

Elise stood straight up and swam next to Devin, taking his hand in her’s.

“I’m scared.” He said.

Up to this point Devin had viewed telling his parents as more of an abstract concept rather than an inevitable action. He had thought about it a ton, and he dreaded the day it would come, but it never really crossed his mind that it was something that needed to happen. There was no way he could go into school the next year with his body looking like this. No way he could go into the guy’s locker room and change clothes alongside them. He would need an explanation. He needed to tell his parents, and soon.

Elise kissed Devin’s cheek and snuggled into him.

“They’re going to be so mad. I’ve been taking these hormones behind their backs for so long. They only know me as Devin. They might think Sierra popped out of nowhere. What am I going to do?”

Elise continued to hug Devin. She didn’t know what to say to ease the pressure off his mind, but she could still hold onto him and give him the physical contact he desperately needed.

“I think it’s good you’re gonna tell Amanda tomorrow. You need a warm up before the big race.”

Devin put his hand around Elise’s back. “If… if she takes it well, then I’ll tell my parents. How about that, does that sound good?”

Elise turned and looked deeply into Devin’s eyes. “Only you can judge that.”

Devin kissed Elise on the lips, then looked up to the night sky, taking in its darkness.

Telling his parents would be such a huge step. He’d be crossing a line, changing his life forever. Nothing could ever be undone afterward.

He wondered if he could truly do it.

***

By the time the two went inside to dry off, it was well past 9:00. Elise went upstairs to take a shower after Devin told her he’d be staying downstairs for a while, doing his daily voice training lesson.

Devin did his voice training in the downstairs bathroom. It was another tedious hour before he stopped. It still didn’t feel like he was getting anywhere, but he wasn’t going to give up. Not yet.

Devin shut off his phone and took his clothes off, stepping into the shower and feeling the warm, refreshing water hit his skin.

About a half hour later he turned the water off and went to dry using a towel he remembered to bring from his home. Afterward he looked at the clothes laid out on the sink. It included his normal sleepwear, along with a bra and a pair of panties.

He put the bra and panties on, then examined himself in the mirror. The reflection he saw was that of a girl. Of Sierra.

A feeling of giddiness immediately surged through Devin’s body upon realizing this. He was happy, satisfied, and fulfilled at the idea of being a girl, just like he always was. But soon that all faded, and he was left with nothing except a question.

“Who am I?”

Devin hated being Devin, he had known that for a long time. He hated being a guy, and having a male body was excruciatingly painful for him. These are things that had been long established in his mind.

The thought of being a girl made him happier. The idea of staying as Sierra forever was very appealing. A part of him was wondering what was stopping him from fully embracing her.

What did this all make him? Who was he?

If… when he told his parents about the hormonal medication, how would he explain it? “I just want to look like a girl, but that doesn’t mean anything.” That sounded ridiculous, even to his own ears.

There was a word for people like him. One that he had spent so long trying to avoid. It was a bad word, a dirty word that repelled him hard and fast.

Transgender.

There was no use in denying it anymore. Devin… wanted to be a girl. He just wanted to be a girl. This desire of his to be female, it had always been a part of him, ever since his earliest memories.

And since he wanted to be a girl, he wanted to be Sierra. Sierra was the version of himself he considered real. “Devin” was the mask, and “Sierra” was behind it.

This idea he had, for the longest time, of his mind having a male side and a female side at war with each other for control was completely false. It was more accurate to say he only had a female side that he cloaked under maleness in fear and shame.

What did this “female side” mean? What did it mean to have a “female mind”? It was extremely difficult to explain, but the best thing Devin could come up with was that being in a female body was what was right for him.

So, he wanted to be female. That was that. He was a transgender woman named Sierra Farrow. That should be the end.

But it wasn’t.

The shame, the fear, the self hate was still blocking him from accepting himself.

What was so awful about being transgender that made him feel so awful about himself? Why was admitting he wanted to be a girl like pulling thorns out of his back? Why couldn’t he just be happy with being Sierra and be done with it?

Self loathing had consumed his mind so much. He didn’t know how to start getting rid of it.

Maybe by accepting who he is. Accepting he is transgender and a girl wouldn’t solve everything but it would be a really good start.

Was he ready to do that?

Sierra put on the rest of her clothes, then she walked out of the bathroom and shut the door.

***

It was almost midnight when Sierra walked into Elise’s room. Elise was already sound asleep. Slowly and quietly, Sierra found a sleeping bag in the closet, laid it out on the floor, then snuck inside. With an extra pillow from the basement, she laid down uncomfortably on the hard floor and shut her eyes.

Somehow, she felt that tomorrow would be the start of a new era in her life. One where she might finally decide who she is and what her future shall be. Where she’ll stop denying what she really wants.

It was intimidating, yet thrilling at the same time.

Getting rid of all her self hatred would take far longer than one day, but to start traveling down that important path was a big step forward. She may have already started down that path and didn’t know it.

Whatever was at the end of that path, whenever she got there, was sure to be worth it.

Elise awoke to the obnoxious beeping of an alarm on her phone. She quietly groaned as she reached over to her nightstand to turn it off.

Slightly begrudgingly, she sat up in her bed and checked the time, 6:03 AM. At least she hadn’t overslept. That would’ve been awful. She had a big day today, going to Hershey Park. She couldn’t be late.

Sierra had a big day today.

Elise turned over in her bed, catching the sight of an empty sleeping bag in the middle of her floor. Sierra must’ve slept in her room. Shame she couldn’t see it, Sierra was probably really cute when asleep.

Now where did she run off to?

Elise got out of bed and walked into the hallways of her house. She assumed Sierra would be in the basement, so she made her way there.

Elise couldn’t help but feel worried about her

Sierra hated herself so much. It was painful to see. She clearly wanted to be a girl, but she just couldn’t allow herself to admit it. She thought it made her disgusting, and undesirable.

Elise often had to push Sierra to come closer to acceptance. Giving her a necklace, making her go to the women’s bathroom, and buying bras and panties together with her were all things she would never do on her own. She had to have someone else egg her on to do these things, so she could be relieved of all the guilt that came from the enjoyment she got.

Sierra being happy was so lovely to see. Those moments where she was herself were some of the best she and Elise ever spent together. But they always ended as fast as they started.

Sierra needed more support in her life. Amanda would hopefully, no, she would definitely give her just that.

***

Sierra was staring outside the screen door on the couch in Elise’s basement. Figures she would wake up early. The sleeping bag on the hard ground didn’t exactly make for the most comfortable sleeping arrangement, and as such she woke up at around 4AM. Ever since then she’s been in this basement, thinking over everything, never giving her mind a break.

There wasn’t much else she could do. Her phone was charging for the long day ahead of her and she hadn’t brought her laptop or switch. She was bored, but also extremely worried at the same time.

She heard someone descend the staircase and walk toward her. She didn’t even need to turn her head to see who it was.

Sierra felt Elise wrap her arms around her and lean her head on her shoulder. Sierra, in turn, leaned her head on her’s. The affectionate contact immediately made her feel better, and almost pushed all her worries away.

Almost.

Not a word was spoken between them for a while. In that moment it was like there was nothing else in the world except them together in that room. It was very calming.

But it couldn’t last.

Eventually, Sierra began to talk.

“Elise.” She said. “I think I might be transgender.”

That was the first time Sierra had ever said those words out loud with full intent. Transgender was no longer the “dirty word” it used to be for her for so long.

Elise kissed the back of Sierra’s neck and wrapped her arms tighter around her. “I know.”

Sierra’s eyes grew distant, focusing on nothing currently around her. “I don’t think I could ever explain everything. There’s so much to say.”

“What matters the most?” Elise asked.

Sierra paused, taking time to gather her thoughts.

“My life.” She answered. “A bad response, probably, but I can explain.”

Elise waited patiently.

“Back when I was really young, I always used to stare at women’s clothes at stores my parents would take me to.” Sierra said. “I don’t think they noticed, but I distinctly remember it. I saw all those… skirts, dresses, and blouses and just got very curious. Even their casual, more laid back clothes looked appealing. I… wanted to wear them. I wanted to try them on. I was always jealous of girls at school being able to wear all those clothes. But I never said that I was jealous. I never said that I wanted to wear them, because I was a boy, and boys weren’t supposed to wear that stuff.”

Sierra let out a pained huff. “It’s funny. Even though I knew that boys weren’t supposed to wear girls’ clothes, and weren’t supposed to want to wear girls’ clothes, I still thought all the other boys were jealous too. I don’t know what kind of logic my mind was on back then.” She shook her head. “That doesn’t matter anyway, because eventually I found out that no, boys do not want to wear girls’ clothes. They don’t want to be girls. I don’t know when that realization came to me. It wasn’t something that hit me all at once, it was more like a slow burning revelation.”

She continued. “Then puberty started. You might think, oh, if you were serious about being a girl, then you would be in constant pain by all the changes and demanding they stop. Starve yourself so they stop. And you know, I did consider starving myself, a few times, but that was it. I wasn’t yelling, or screaming, or in constant fear at what was happening to me. No, I became numb, dissociated, clouded by a constant grey fog that made life unbearable, whatever metaphor you want to use. It was horrible. I wanted to die almost every day. I hated my body so much I wanted to tear it apart so I could be free. I was going through life with so much pent up raw emotion, I needed an outlet. That’s when I found gender bending stuff. And well, you know the rest.”

A lone tear formed in Sierra’s eye and trickled down her face.

“Sometimes I think the bigots are right.” Sierra said. “A lot of the time, actually. Maybe I really am just a fetishist. Maybe I really am just a creep, or a pervert, or whatever else people may call me. Maybe they’re all right…”

Elise kissed Sierra deeply. “They’re not.”

Sierra smiled wistfully. “You say that but my brain doesn’t agree.”

Elise kissed Sierra again. “I will show you they’re not.”

Elise got up off the couch before Sierra could say anything back, ascending the staircase to the above floors.

***

Sierra never made any attempt to follow Elise. She just stayed put there in the basement, continuing to stare outside the screen door. It wouldn’t have been of any use to follow her anyway. She knew exactly what Elise was going to try and do.

There was no surprise when she came back down with a dress and a wig.

Sierra sighed. Putting the main character into a dress and showing them how beautiful they are as a woman was another huge TG cliché. Really, at this point she should be keeping a list of how many TG clichés she’s lived through. Half that list could probably be crossed off by now.

Elise held out the dress, and showed it to Sierra. It was a deep sapphire blue, beautiful and immediately catching to the eye. Elise hadn’t worn a dress like it to homecoming or prom, and thus this was the first time Sierra was seeing it.

“I was going to wear this, but it clashed with my eyes.” Elise said. “It should match yours though.”

Elise laid down the dress and sat on the couch. Sierra slightly backed away from her when she picked up her purse. Taking notice, Elise said “I’m not going to force you to do this, if you want me to stop, just say no.”

Sierra watched silently as her girlfriend pulled out some kind of makeup utensils she couldn’t quite identify.

“I’m going to ask you to close your eyes. If you don’t want me to do this, then don’t. But if you close your eyes for more than a few seconds, I’m going to start putting makeup on you.”

The next few seconds saw Sierra rapidly opening and closing her eyes in a manner that screamed indecisiveness. She was unsure, afraid. A huge step was about to be taken, the first time she’d ever have makeup on her face, the first time she’d ever wear a dress. Was she ready for it?

As someone who was regularly envious of women, Sierra had fantasized a ton about wearing dresses and makeup throughout her life. She always wondered what it would look like, what it would feel like, and if she could truly be beautiful. Whenever she saw those girls at homecoming or prom dance around in those extravagant and mesmerizing dresses of theirs, she got a vague sense of hope that one day, she could do the same.

And now that opportunity was right in front of her.

She hesitated. She couldn’t exactly say why, she assumed it was just out of a general vague, undefined fear that usually came with doing new things. But another component was likely the dread she felt that she wouldn’t look beautiful, that she wouldn’t be satisfied. That none of the hate that plagued her mind would leave just by seeing herself in a dress. After all, wouldn’t she only be affirming the detractors who were saying womanhood was nothing but looks for her?

Regardless, Sierra closed her eyes.

Within a few seconds, she began feeling something being put on her face.

The movements were defined and swift, she could clearly tell Elise had a lot of experience doing this. Could she really bring out the beauty in her?

Sierra sat there, worried, curious, and excited all at the same time. Ever in great anticipation of what was to come.

At one point, she felt something being done to her eyelashes. At another, she felt something being put on her eyelids. There was also a point in which she was instructed to open her mouth, and she was greeted with the feeling of something being applied to her lips. Lip stick, she was sure.

Eventually, Sierra was told to stand up, and open her eyes. When she did, she saw that the mirror in the room had been covered. It was apparent Elise wanted this reveal to be a surprise.

She was then asked to take her shirt and pants off, to make room for the dress. Sierra hesitated once more, not just out of fear, but out of the discomfort that Elise would see her almost naked. From within, there was a part of her mind yelling at her to stop going forward with all this.

Sierra’s eyes stared deeply into Elise’s. She saw the look on Elise’s face as not being impatient or demanding, but instead much more caring and loving. She knew she wasn’t being forced to do this, and that Elise would understand if she wanted to stop, or was uncomfortable. Taking off her shirt and pants was entirely within her control. It would be her choice.

And it was a choice she ended up making.

Once she was only in a bra and panties, she felt exposed, and so very vulnerable. Elise was seeing so much of her body, it almost made her want to put her clothes back on. She especially winced at the fact that Elise was now seeing the clear bulge her penis created in her undergarments.

In spite of this, she kept her clothes off, and watched as Elise took the eye-catching blue dress and held it out in her hands. Eventually, as she saw Elise approach her with the dress, her discomfort faded. She didn’t even back away when the dress was right in front of her. She stayed put, knowing that she could trust Elise and was safe around her.

Sierra continued to obey every order Elise gave her with no second thoughts. Elise directed her around, helping her tie up the dress to make sure it fit right and then putting a wig on her.

Sierra was told to close her eyes and she obliged. Elise then led her in front of the mirror and took the covering off.

This was it. Sierra was about to see what she looked like in this outfit. All this buildup was about to lead to its end. A gigantic whirlwind of emotions overtook her mind. It was so overwhelming that she had to stop herself from jumping up and down in sensory overload.

Sierra knew her reaction upon seeing herself was either going to strong admiration, or bitter indifference, and nothing in between.

Elise walked away from the mirror.

“Look, now.” She said with loving instruction.

At that command, Sierra opened her eyes.

What she saw in her reflection made a switch flip inside her mind.

In an instant, all of her negative thoughts were pushed away. The self loathing, the doubting, the dark fear telling her the bigots were right, even the frustration at having to live through yet another TG cliché to get herself in order, all gone in a snap.

The only thing left was pure ecstasy.

This face, this body she saw in the mirror was something not even her dreams would let her have. It was beautiful, so much so that she couldn’t even say or do anything at first but stare. It was just too shocking, too unbelievable for her to fully connect that this girl she saw was her.

But it was her! That face with makeup so expertly applied to hide any hint of a 5 o’clock shadow, the one with the long, thick, black lashes, the one with the full, kissable red lips. It was her. The body with the blue dress that clung on naturally to her, emphasizing her breasts and curves in such an elegant fashion while matching with her blue eyes. It was her. The long, waterfall of dark black hair making up her wig, concealing her short brown-blonde hair in a way that still made it look natural. It was her. All her.

She was beautiful. She was a girl. She was Sierra.

Eventually, her body did end up having a reaction at the incredible sight.

Her eyes shined with joy, and her face curled into the most genuine, joyful smile a face could ever muster.

And off to the side of the mirror, out of view, Elise was smiling too.

She had never seen Sierra so happy.

“Do you have everything?”

“Yes.” Elise said to her mother, irritation apparent in her voice.

“Are you sure? Does Devin need money for a ticket?”

“Mom, we’ll be fine, okay?”

“Alright…” Julie said reluctantly.

“Hey.” Ronald said just before Elise walked out the door. “Keep good watch of that boy. I hear he’s afraid of rollercoasters, right?”

“He’s not a big fan of them, no.”

Ronald shook his head. “Scared of dogs, scared of rollercoasters, man, why’d you have to date such a wimp?”

Insulted, Elise groaned and bitterly said “good bye” before walking out the door.

Ronald was on the receiving end of a glare from Julie who dragged him to their room to have a talk.

Emma though, who was off to the side, found his comment funny.

***

Sierra tapped her foot impatiently in the passenger’s seat of Elise’s car. What was taking her so long? It’d been twenty minutes since she went in.

Running a hand through her forehead, Sierra looked down and reminded herself of why she couldn’t go into the house.

She was wearing Elise’s clothes, a pair of women’s athletic shorts on her legs and a simple T-shirt on her body. Her breasts were clearly visible and her makeup hadn’t faded yet. If someone were to look at her, they would without a doubt say she was a girl. Her short hair couldn’t change that.

Elise had mainly wanted Sierra to wear her clothes in order to get it across to Amanda that she was a girl. It took some convincing, but eventually Sierra caved in. It was important to try new things and expand one’s horizons, after all.

If only it wasn’t so intimidating.

After what seemed like forever, Sierra finally saw Elise walk out from her front door and get into the driver’s seat. She sighed in relief when the car was turned on and she felt the cool air from the AC hit her skin.

“I know I’m stating the obvious but it’s ridiculous how hot it is.”

“Maybe we should go to the waterpark sometime today… you still have your swimwear in your bag right?”

“Yeah, do you really think we’d have time to do that?”

“I don’t know, we’ll see.” She said.

Elise pulled out her car and began the short but daunting drive to Amanda’s house.

***

Sierra hadn’t talked during any part of the drive. How could she talk, knowing what she was about to do? She had tried very hard to win Amanda’s approval over the past year, and now she could very easily be throwing all that away.

If Amanda thought she was a pervert, or a creep, or a delusional madman… madwoman, then what would become of her and Elise’s friendship? Sierra hated the thought of making them split apart, she’d probably die of guilt if that happened.

Emma was a bratty, annoying little sister who acted much younger than she actually was. Her views carried little weight toward Sierra. Admittedly, it did kind of hurt to hear Emma say what she did, but ultimately, Sierra could live with it. But Amanda… she had been Elise’s best friend for years. If she didn’t take well to this, then how would Ryan react? How would Elise’s parents react? How would her parents react?

A ton of emotions were going through Sierra’s head as Elise pulled her car into Amanda’s driveway. Fear mostly, but also frustration and guilt at the fact that she was once again anticipating the worst out of people. Amanda was not a bad person. She was nice, she was understanding, why was Sierra expecting the worst? Internally, she chastised herself.

“So, how do you want to do this?” Elise asked. “Do you want to tell her or do you want me to tell her?”

Sierra was staring at Amanda’s front door. “This is something I have to explain myself.” She turned to Elise. “But it’d be nice if you could just… tell her I have something important to say before I come out… in more ways than one. Can you do that?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks.” Sierra smiled.

Good timing, as soon after Sierra said that, Amanda had walked out the front door. Elise quickly gave Sierra a kiss on the forehead before getting out of the car, making sure the door didn’t open wide enough for Amanda to see anything.

“Did you get that text about going to the waterpark if we have time?” Elise asked

“Yeah, what do you think the bag’s for?” Amanda answered. “I’m guessing Devin was too afraid of the dog to come out?”

“Yeah.”

“Figures, you know being afraid of dogs is something he should really fix. With how many people have dogs and all.”

“Amanda.” Elise said seriously. “There’s something really important I need to tell you about Devin.”

Amanda’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “What? It can’t be that you broke up. You wouldn’t have brought him here… right?”

“No, we didn’t break up.” Elise affirmed. “It’s just that he’s been going through a few things and wants to start opening up to people. He opened up to me a week ago… kind of, the details aren’t important. But he trusted me and he’s been a lot happier since.”

Still confused, Amanda asked “what is it? I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

“He can explain it a lot better than me.” Elise said. “Just know this is very important and this is a very sensitive time for him. He needs all the support he can get.”

Amanda looked startled. “Okay.” She said almost worriedly.

“Alright, he’ll be coming out now, just be aware he may look a little bit different than you might think.”

Elise sent a text to Sierra’s phone, “you can come out now”.

Sierra, scared out of her mind, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and somehow found the confidence and courage she needed to step out of the car. With a swift motion, she opened the passenger door and walked around the front of the car, coming into clear view of Amanda. It didn’t take long for her to notice the makeup, the visible breasts, the pixie cut, and the smooth, hairless skin.

Amanda was too stunned to speak.

“Hey Amanda…” Sierra said. “It’s nice to see you.”

How long Amanda stared wide-eyed at Sierra she didn’t quite know. Time seemed to stop once she caught sight of her. At first she wasn’t even sure if the person she was looking at was “Devin”, but further inspection proved it couldn’t be anyone else. The brown-blonde hair, the bright blue eyes, the posture, even the constant fiddling with her fingers, it was her alright, but that just left one question…

“God Devin, what did you do to yourself?”

“Well, it’s kind of a long story.” Sierra said to her. “But basically, my name isn’t Devin anymore. I’m Sierra now.”

“I can see that.” Amanda said matter-of-factly. “I like the name choice, but… why? I don’t understand.”

“Deep breaths”, Sierra thought to herself. She could do this, she had already done it the day before with Emma, she just had to do it again.

“I hated being Devin.” She said. “I’m not Devin, I don’t think I ever really was. It hurt to be Devin.”

Amanda wasn’t following her.

Sierra chose a different angle. “Would you like to be a man? Would you want to have a man’s body?”

“No.” Amanda’s response was quick and certain.

“Why not?”

“Because it’d be gross and weird.”

“That’s what I thought about my body all the time. I hated it, so I changed it. Pills I bought on the internet, if you’re curious.”

Amanda looked taken aback. “YOU bought them? Not your parents? Do they even know?”

“No, they don’t.” Sierra answered. “At least, I think they don’t.”

“How can you keep something like this from them? That can not be healthy. You NEED to tell them.”

“I’m working on it.”

“I hope so.” Amanda exhaled audibly. “Well, this is all a bit weird, but I guess I get it. I mean, you always were kind of girly anyway. You used to blush and giggle every time Elise kissed you, it was very unmanly.”

“Okay I never giggled.” Sierra shot back. “I only smiled.”

“Oh no, you definitely giggled.” Elise said.

“And the way you held your binder was pretty girly too.” Amanda pointed out. “Your fingernails were also very long and nice-looking for a guy, I swear you polished them. I remember a few people thinking you were gay.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Sierra said. “If I was gay, why would I be dating Elise? I don’t think they know what ‘gay’ means.”

“I think ‘gay’ just meant ‘feminine man’ to them.” Elise said. “You know how some people use ‘gay’, they’re not always talking about sexuality.”

“Probably.” Amanda agreed. “But I really have to ask, are you gay? Did you ever really like Elise or was that just an act?”

“Amanda!” Elise yelled.

“What? It’s just a question.”

“No, I agree with her. That wasn’t ‘just a question’.” Sierra said. “I love Elise, I really do. I don’t like you questioning my feelings.”

“Okay, sorry. I won’t ask again.”

“Thank you.” Elise said.

Amanda stared at Elise for a bit, then turned back toward Sierra. “So, you two are really still dating?”

“Yes.” Elise walked over to Sierra and planted a kiss to her cheek to get the message plainly across.

“Okay… so, does that make you two lesbians?”

“I guess…” Elise answered. “I’m probably bi.”

“I take it you figured things out since you texted me about liking girls, then.”

“Oh, I forgot about that, actually. Yeah, we figured things out. We’re making this work.”

“Good, I still get to be the awkward third wheel.”

Elise laughed. “We’ll try not to make it TOO awkward.”

“But you still have to sit in the backseat.” Sierra told her with a grin.

Amanda had a goodhearted laugh as she opened the backdoor of Elise’s car.

***

“I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around this. What made you want to be a girl?” Amanda asked from the backseat, as the trees passed by the window.

Sierra groaned. This car ride should’ve been relaxing. It should’ve been a huge relief of tension after what she just did. But once Elise started driving, Amanda just kept asking question after question. Sierra had lost track of how long she had been doing it for, and she was beyond annoyed.

Sierra almost answered Amanda’s question with ‘that mini arc in Wizards of Waverly Place where Max gets turned into a little girl’, but instead forced herself to exhibit some self control. She didn’t like having to respond to all these questions, but she still tried her best to ignore the discomfort and give serious answers.

“Nothing, I was always kind of like this. It just felt right for me.” She replied. “Whenever I imagined an ideal version of myself, I was always a girl.” She added on. “Plus what I said earlier, I hated having a man’s body.”

“Oh right.” Amanda said, a bit embarrassed she may have asked a question she was already told the answer to. “I was just wondering if anything made you not like being a guy.”

“Well, no. Not really.”

“Okay then… don’t you think it’s a little weird for you to look like a girl and sound like a guy?”

Sierra closed her eyes and willed herself to keep in her anger. Amanda just HAD to ask that hadn’t she? Couldn’t she already tell Sierra hated her disgustingly masculine voice? This had to be the worst question she asked so far, no doubt.

Sierra had always hated her voice, but she never realized just how much she utterly despised it until she started taking female hormones and her mind cleared a bit. It was like the world was playing some kind of cruel prank on her. Out of all the guys in her graduating class, her voice was one of the first to drop significantly. Even at the age of twelve her voice was already very deep and if she transitioned back then she still would’ve needed to do a lot of voice training. Flash forward to the present day, and her voice continued to be one of the deepest of all the guys in her class.

Why did that have to happen to her? There were plenty of guys back in middle school who complained that they still had high squeaky voices, meanwhile she was already sounding like a seventeen year old at twelve. Hopefully whatever force was in charge of puberty got all the sick satisfaction it wanted from doing this. Someone up there had to be laughing their ass off.

Reaching a red light, Elise took the opportunity to glance toward Sierra and immediately noticed her discomfort and frustration. Internally she felt a bit awful that she hadn’t intervened yet. Especially after that last question Amanda had asked. She seriously crossed the line there.

“Amanda.” Elise said. “You should lay it off with the questions. They aren’t helping.”

“What do you mean?” Amanda asked. “I was just curious.”

“Do you like it when your parents drill you with questions?”

“No… but I wasn’t trying to-”

“Doesn’t matter. Just lay it off.”

Amanda was silent for a few seconds before she replied. “Alright I’m sorry.”

Sierra let out a sigh of relief. “Finally”, she thought.

“It’s just that…” Amanda started again.

“God dammit.” Sierra said aloud before she could stop herself.

Amanda turned quickly toward Sierra with a look of bewilderment.

“Sorry…” Sierra said, crossing her arms. “I just got… sorry.”

The stoplight turned green as Amanda formulated a response.

“Look.” She said. “I’m sorry I came off a little pushy, okay? But this whole thing about you being transgender is just hard to understand. I mean, look at yourself! You got makeup on, you’re wearing Elise’s clothes, you’re calling yourself a new name, and you haven’t told your parents. This is such a huge thing to do to yourself, they need to know about this.”

“I did what I had to.” Sierra responded. “I can deal with this by myself. I’ll tell them eventually. Soon, I’m sure of it.”

“Devin, we’re not talking about getting your hair dyed or getting a tattoo, we’re talking about an entire body and lifestyle change. I hate being an uptight rules follower, but this is a time when you can’t keep something like that from your parents. You just can’t.” Amanda argued. “And I’m sorry I called you ‘Devin’.”

“You think I haven’t thought about all this before? I know it’s bad to keep this from them.” Sierra said. “Just give me some more time. I’m not ready yet.”

“Amanda, you realize she’s going to have to take some time to find out how to explain this, right? People can get kicked out of their house for things like this.” Elise pointed out. “She has every reason to be hesitant.”

“Yeah, you can say that, but he’s only- she’s only told two other people about this after doing all this by herself for months! She didn’t even tell you!”

“Umm… actually I’ve told three people.” Sierra said back.

“What?”

“Emma, I told her yesterday.”

“How did she take it?”

“Well, she…” Sierra paused. “Let’s just say she wasn’t very accepting… at all.”

“Makes sense, but that’s like what? Three people in how many months? Yeah, not healthy. I want to be supportive, but this looks really bad.”

Elise spoke up again. “Please try to understand. I was pretty mad about this too. I didn’t like worrying that something was wrong with her for so long and then learning what was going on through an accident.” Elise shot an annoyed glance toward Sierra. “But what’s done is done. We’ve made up. And her telling her parents is something she needs some time on. Hounding her about it is not helping.”

Amanda was about to say something back, but she just couldn’t find the response she was looking for. She could say the fact that Elise learned about Sierra through an accident makes her situation even worse, but she couldn’t find a reason why she needed to say that. Like Elise said, it was done now, in the past, why bring it back?

Amanda turned back to Sierra, and she felt shame twist her insides. She really was being awful, wasn’t she? Sierra went out of her way to tell her something so deep and personal, and this is how she responded. With invasive question after invasive question and then a series of harsh reprimands. What kind of asshole does something like that? How much effort did it take for Sierra to tell this to her? Especially after seeing Emma not accept her? Sierra trusted her, and she repaid her by doing this.

She was about to apologize, but Sierra beat her to it.

“I’m sorry Amanda.” She said. “For this whole… useless fight. It shouldn’t have happened.”

“No, I’m sorry. I was being an ass. You didn’t deserve that.”

Sierra turned around to face Amanda.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did, okay? It was bad. I’m sorry.”

Sierra stared at Amanda for a bit.

“Thanks.” She eventually said.

“No problem. So we’re good then, right? All of us?”

“Of course.” Sierra said.

“I didn’t really like all the yelling in here but yeah we’re good.” Elise said.

“Sorry about that.” Amanda said to her.

“It’s okay. I should be used to your yelling at this point. Couldn’t be friends otherwise.”

Amanda snickered. “Just like Sierra couldn’t be your girlfriend if you weren’t used to her long talks about whatever she’s thinking.”

Sierra went red. “Did you have to bring that up?”

“All in good fun.” Amanda replied. “You know, looking at you, I think you could really be ‘one of the girls’.”

“Really?” Sierra said a bit too enthusiastically. “I mean… that’d be pretty nice.”

Elise laughed. “You are so adorable sometimes.”

Sierra’s blush deepend. Being called “cute” and “pretty” had just felt so good for her lately. It had always felt good, but now that she wasn’t trying to hide it or fight herself, she could, for once, truly appreciate the feeling it brought. Is this what girls usually felt when they were given complements like that? Maybe not all the time, it probably got old eventually. But it always had to be there, at least in part. Was this what Elise felt when Sierra called her pretty? No wonder she liked it so much.

“Well, so are you.” Sierra said back.

Seeing Elise smile as she looked onto the road ahead confirmed the answer to Sierra’s age old question she constantly asked herself. Of course girls liked being pretty. It was ridiculous she ever thought otherwise.

She had a lot to learn.

The girls were so lucky their parents forced them to bring sunscreen.

The sun was absolutely brutal. Anyone who dared to step outside was sure to be burnt to a crisp within minutes. The heat was like a constant pressure on every part of their bodies

Essentially, it was the perfect day to go out to an amusement park.

Hershey Park, even just past the entrance, was full and bustling with life. Everywhere one looked, everywhere one heard, people were having pure, unadulterated fun.

To live so close to such a huge amusement park would’ve been any kid’s dream.

Except Sierra’s.

Rollercoasters had always been a problem for her. Even as old as she was now, they were still a problem. There wasn’t any clear source for this fear, it seemed she was simply born with it.

As such, she rarely ever went to Hershey Park.

Things like this were probably why her father thought she was a wimp.

Sometimes she felt sorry for Ryan. He really deserved someone more adventurous to hang out with. There were a handful of memories she was ashamed to look back on .

***

Devin had just gotten off the phone with some seller likely trying to scam him. Since his parents weren’t home, he had to answer it himself. The seller had actually confused him for his father, and seemed to be in extreme disbelief when he told him he was twelve. Damn voice change.

He saw he got a call from his newly acquired cell phone. It was Ryan. He answered it.

“Hello?”

“Hey Devin, me and Steven were going to go to Hershey tomorrow. Do you want to come with us?”

“Umm…” There was a silence on the line for a while.

“Well are you coming or not? It’s not a hard question.”

Devin hesitated. “Just give me some time okay?” He eventually said. “I need to ask my parents if they’re okay with it first.”

“Okay, just text them and get back to me, alright?”

“Okay… uh, bye.”

“Bye.”

Devin was about to hang up when Ryan suddenly spoke again.

“I don’t think it’s good to keep running from your fear like this.”

“I’m not afraid.” Devin shot back as anger surged through him.

“Come on, admit it. You are.” Ryan said. “It’s okay to be scared but it’s bad to lie and run away.”

“I’m not scared.”

“Then come with us.”

Hearing Ryan say that nearly set Devin’s temper off, but he was able to control himself. What he wasn’t able to do however, was find something suitable to say back.

“Good bye.” He said bitterly then hung up.

***

Sierra cringed at the memory. She could be such an asshole back then. Even if she was so young it always seemed like she was needlessly rude to her friends. Really, it was a wonder people generally liked her these days. She wasn’t still like that was she?

No, definitely not. She had grown and matured.

At the very least, since then she had admitted to her fear of rollercoasters. That had to be a step in the right direction. Surely she was making some progress.

Now, if only people took her fear of dogs seriously too, and not as a joke. That would be nice.

***

“And you two really practice in this?” Sierra asked. “In this scorching heat?”

“Every sports team does.” Amanda answered. “It’s part of being in a sport, running your ass off in shit like this.”

“And also on your period.” Elise added. “I say that makes us pretty tough.”

“Damn right. Field hockey is a tough sport, it needs tough players.” Amanda said.

“I can see.” Sierra replied. “I don’t know, it just seems so insane to me.”

“You know, you should really try out for a sport.” Amanda told her. “You could really use it.”

Sierra turned to look flatly at her as Elise facepalmed.

“Do I even need to say why that’s such a terrible idea?”

“What are you talking about?”

“My god, Amanda.” Elise muttered.

“Come on, it’s not hard to see.” Sierra said to her.

“I don’t understand what… Oh!” Amanda nearly exclaimed as it suddenly came to her mind. “Yeah, that… would be a really bad idea.”

“I mean, I’d like to join a sport, but my god, if I were to do so it’d cause such a shitstorm that it’s not even close to worth it. There’s no chance I’d even win anything because I’m such a shit athlete, but people would be mad anyway. It’s just not happening. This isn’t a movie. I’m not Stephanie.”

“Who’s Stephanie?” Amanda asked. “I don’t know anyone named Stephanie.”

“Slip of the tongue.” Sierra explained. “I’ve been online too much, read too much TG fiction.”

“I have no idea what you’re saying right now.”

Sierra and Elise chuckled to themselves while Amanda was left confused.

***

Amanda and Elise continued to talk as the three walked around the park, but Sierra left herself out of the conversation at some point, choosing instead to focus on the scenery around her.

There wasn’t much to see that she hadn’t seen before. She had been to Hershey Park already, even if she wasn’t close to a regular visitor, and she had seen most of what the park had to offer. It was big, but it wasn’t so big that it couldn't be mostly covered in a day.

At least holding hands with Elise in public like this was no longer intimidating. Sierra wasn’t sure how Elise felt about being visibly lesbian, but she had gotten over her qualms with it pretty quickly. Maybe a few people stared awkwardly, but no one was going up to them and shouting obscenities. That was one of the worst case scenarios and it was thankfully being avoided.

Talking in public was still an uncomfortable experience for her though. She could do it, but she certainly didn’t like it. Talking in public only allowed people to hear her undoubtedly male, untrained voice and immediately see who and what she is. Once again she bemoaned the fact that estrogen did not make one’s voice change. Why did it have to be like that? Why did she have to put in hours and hours of work to sound like a woman? Life just wasn’t fair.

As Sierra continued walking, she noticed something about her surroundings that she wasn’t expecting. Or more accurately, wasn’t fully prepared for. It had nothing to do with the park itself, no, there were a number of heads that were turned toward her, or rather her entire group. And eventually, she came to realize most of those heads were from men catching quick glances of them as they walked past. Always quickly averting their gaze when she looked back.

Elise and Amanda didn’t seem to notice this, or at least that’s what Sierra would’ve thought if she was stupid. They definitely noticed, there was no way they didn’t. It was just, at this point in their lives, they were probably used to this sort of thing.

Sierra wasn’t used to it though. It didn’t make her uncomfortable, but it did make her feel a bit weird. She didn’t even really hate the men who were doing the looking. After all, she assumed that, as Devin, she did a lot of that too, so it’d probably be hypocritical of her to be mad at them. But it did make one thing abundantly clear. Going out in public as a woman meant a lot of attention being drawn toward oneself, and there wasn’t any way to avoid that.

And these were just glances. That wasn’t getting into the actually dangerous parts of being a woman in public, like catcalling or harassment or involuntary photographs or even assault.

Now that was not a good train of thought to go down right now. This was supposed to be a fun day, a nice day. She shouldn’t worry about that stuff. Besides, she had Elise and Amanda with her. No one was going to try anything in such a public place… hopefully… no, definitely.

Sierra’s moment of stress quickly disappeared. If Elise and Amanda noticed it, they didn’t say anything, all for the best. She instead focused on what was in front of her, and she saw a rollercoaster come into view. Specifically, SkyRush.

The most intense roller coaster in all of Hershey Park.

And she was being led directly toward it.

Oh god.

Sierra immediately felt dizzy and held her head. Elise quickly dragged her to a nearby bench and had her sit down. She got out a water bottle from her bag and had her drink it.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“I know, we shouldn’t have just led you there, sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

Elise took a seat next to Sierra, taking her hand with a firm grip.

“Do you want to go on something less intense?” Amanda asked. “There are lots of rollercoasters here. I’m sure we could find one that’s not so bad.”

“If you wanna go on SkyRush, go on it. I don’t want to hold you two back.”

“You’re not holding us back.” Elise assured her. “We’re fine if you want to go on something less intense.”

“No, go on SkyRush. I’ll be fine sitting here, trust me.”

Elise and Amanda exchanged glances.

“Well, if he’s o- she’s okay with it, then I don’t see why-”

Elise motioned for her to sit down as she tightened her grip on Sierra’s hand and pulled her close. “Hey, I used to be afraid of rollercoasters too, you know?”

“Yeah, everyone was. It’s a childish fear you’re supposed to grow out of, and I never did.”

“No, not every kid is afraid of rollercoasters.”

“I wasn’t.” Amanda chimed in. “I was never afraid of them. I was able to get Elise to get over her fear.”

“And it was at this park where that happened.” Elise said. “It was on Storm Runner. I was scared shitless. But she was right beside me, and I was able to get over it. I actually had fun that day.”

Sierra swallowed in her nervousness. “When did this happen?”

“Two summers ago.” Elise replied. “I’ve loved rollercoasters ever since.”

“That recently?”

“Yeah, I was hooked pretty quick. I think if you try it out, you might have fun.”

Elise’s words were definitely reassuring, and she had the tone of someone who genuinely cared for her well-being and wasn’t just trying to get to go on a ride for her sake. But still, she remained uncertain. Rollercoasters in general just looked so dangerous. She didn’t know if she was really up to it.

Elise pulled Sierra in closer.

“Do you wanna know something?” She asked quietly

Sierra nodded.

“I think you coming out today, going out in public dressed like this is way braver than going on a rollercoaster. You’re doing great. You already conquered a fear. You should be proud.”

Sierra felt her face heat up.

“I’m serious, you’re very brave.”

Sierra breathed in deeply. She was brave? She was really brave? It sounded so bizarre to hear, after hate reading so much transphobic stuff online to satisfy some kind of sick thrill, that anyone like her could be brave. She wasn’t brave. That was ridiculous. She couldn’t even muster up the courage to tell an employee when they got her order wrong at a restaurant.

And yet, Elise really sounded like she meant it when she said she was brave. She really believed it, as if she thought Sierra was a much more daring person than she actually was. As if she thought Sierra was someone who didn’t care what anyone else said or thought. She couldn’t say for sure, but even if it probably wasn’t the case, it really felt like it.

Maybe, just maybe Elise was right. Maybe Sierra really was brave. Maybe she should strive to become that person Elise may think of her as. A person who doesn’t care what others think of them, and doesn’t let that get them down.

Take it one step at a time.

That, more than anything else, encouraged her to go on the ride. She needed to get rid of this fear, once and for all. It had gone on long enough.

Sierra stood up from the bench. “I’ll go.”

“Really?” Amanda asked. “Are you sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, I do want to. I need to go on it.” Sierra said. “I need to conquer this fear.”

“Okay… I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t just Elise pushing you.”

Elise patted Sierra’s back. “I was just giving her a pep talk.”

“Yeah sure.” Amanda said unconvinced.

“It is my choice to go on this ride.” Sierra told her. “I’m going on it because I want to, it’s my decision.”

Elise smiled and took Sierra’s hand once more, planting a kiss on her check. Amanda looked like she was about to roll her eyes, but she held back.

“If you say so.” Amanda said.

“I know so.” Sierra replied.

The girls began walking forward again, and Sierra took in the sight coming toward her. SkyRush was so unbelievably large, and the ride itself sped through the tracks at a ridiculously fast pace. All the twists and turns it threw everywhere only served to make it more intimidating.

To take this on was going to be a challenge, but Sierra was determined to do it. After all, she had already come out to Amanda. Compared to that, this was nothing. She was not about to give this up. Bring it on!

Sierra noticed her thoughts were getting a bit too oddly sexual, and she tried and failed to suppress a laugh.

***

Every one of the big, intimidating rollercoasters at Hershey Park had a gimmick that Sierra had always found insane. She assumed this was the case for most amusement parks, but as for Hershey Park; the bench seats of the Great Bear were attached to the tracks at the top, Fahrenheit had a more than ninety degree drop, Storm Runner had a launch that sent people launching from a stand still, and the bench seats of SkyRush did not have a bottom to them, leaving people’s feet hanging in the air.

It sounded like such a ludicrous idea, as if the designers were trying to get people killed. How could anyone go on a ride like that?

Sierra apparently, as she was currently being strapped in.

She watched the restraints come down and first noted how they felt too tight on her thighs. Then she noted “holy fuck I’m about to go on a rollercoaster”.

Throughout much of the long wait in the seemingly never-ending line, Sierra was able to talk with Elise and Amanda normally, but she could not ignore the fear that kept building within her. This rollercoaster, this incredibly intense, terrifying rollercoaster, she was about to board it.

For a moment it was as if all the determination she had before first getting in line was completely lost. Why did she agree to this? Was she insane?

As much as she tried to hold it back, she could feel tears of fear building in her eyes. She was begging her brain to stop. She was not about to cry in public out of fear of going on a rollercoaster. She was seventeen years old, almost an adult. This wasn’t what she meant when she said she wanted to cry more.

In this state of mind, the only thing she could think to do was turn to Elise and say “I’m scared”.

Elise turned to reveal a caring face. “I’m right here with you. The hardest part is the beginning drop. It all gets easier after that.”

Sierra slowly nodded and soon felt the ride start. She closed her eyes and braced herself. She tried to think of anything more to reassure herself and came up with the fact that her feet weren’t hanging. The middle two seats on SkyRush had a bottom to them, unlike the outer two seats, which made her feel a little better and safer.

Come to think of it, how many people have lost their shoes on this ride? It was a good thing Sierra literally never wore open toe shoes. Elise and Amanda might be in a bit of trouble though. How were their feet not burning in those sandals?

All those thoughts were put to an end when Sierra realized just how fast SkyRush’s big uphill climb was. Most rollercoasters were a lot slower than this when going up at the beginning, but it seemed this one didn’t want to waste anyone’s time. That meant less time to mentally prepare for what was to come, but also less of that agonizingly long anticipation. Whether it was better or worse was up for debate.

Sierra didn’t even want to think about how high they were now, but regardless, she forced herself to open her eyes. They were almost at the top, and looking around, they were so high. Oh god, the drop coming up was so long. She didn’t remember what she heard exactly, but it was supposedly over two hundred feet. This was insane! How the-

She didn’t have time to think before the drop started and the screams commenced. The many, loud screams of thrill. Sierra was screaming with them, but not out of thrill, out of terror.

She could not believe the amount of force being put on her body. It felt like she could be ripped out of her chair at any moment and fly in the air straight toward her death. The restraint was the only thing holding her in place. It was a truly terrifying feeling.

She was quite literally being lifted out of her seat.

And yet, through all of that, she was feeling… thrilled.

There came a point when Sierra stopped screaming. In just a few seconds, she had been taken a huge distance, but nothing had really happened to her. She was still there, in one piece, alive and well. The sensation of being dragged quickly through the air didn’t take very long for her to get used to.

And if she was honest, she was kind of enjoying it.

As the rollercoaster went on, through all the ups, downs, and turns, and the screams continued, Sierra found herself in almost a state of bliss. It was as if there was something euphoric about being on a rollercoaster. To go at such high speeds, to travel such long distances, all in the open air. And in such a short time too.

To her surprise, she was actually enjoying herself. And Elise was sitting right beside her, which, in the end, made her feel all that much safer.

Sierra wasn’t sure how much time had passed when the ride was over, coming down the last stretch to unload all the passengers. It was odd, it felt short and long simultaneously. Realistically though it couldn’t have been that much more than a minute.

A minute which she had spent so long dreading. It was all a bit silly, in retrospect.

The ride came to a stop. Sierra, Elise, and Amanda unboarded the bench seats and walked back out to the park.

It was only a few steps in that Elise suddenly pulled Sierra in for a long, deep kiss.

“I’m so proud of you.” She said.

Sierra reciprocated that kiss and wrapped her arms around Elise. “Thank you. I love you.” She said.

It wasn’t long before they were full on making out.

Amanda, crossing her arms, made a loud “Ahem!” sound, catching the two lovers’ attention.

“Have you forgotten that we are in public? Everyone can see you two sucking face.”

Sierra and Elise stared awkwardly around them and did catch a few funny and amused looks at them from people walking by.

They pulled away from each other, both of their faces bright red.

Elise forced a cough. “Why don’t we, uh, get something to eat.”

“Yeah, uh, sounds like a good idea.” Sierra agreed.

“Great! I was thinking the same thing.” Amanda exclaimed.

The three began walking forward again, Amanda much more enthusiastically than Sierra and Elise. It was really weird that, despite being the third wheel, Amanda was the one feeling the least awkward right now.

Pushing the embarrassment aside, Sierra really was feeling proud of herself.

She still couldn’t call herself a fan of rollercoasters, and she probably wouldn’t want to go on another one for a long time. But still, she went on one. She went on a real rollercoaster, and survived. Hell, she enjoyed it.

She absolutely understood the appeal now. To go on something so fast and chaotic, where you’re constantly being dragged through high speeds with the wind blowing on your face and body. It had clicked. It was even worth the ridiculously long wait time.

She may not have completely conquered them, but she confronted two major fears today. And in that moment, she felt unstoppable. She was on top of the world.

What a day this was turning out to be.

“C’mon!” Elise exclaimed. “Let us see!”

Sierra gulped. Why had she agreed to this?

“Can you give me a few more minutes?” She asked.

“No.” Elise said flatly.

Well, that answer was certainly quick. She wasn’t going to get out of this one easily.

Sierra sighed, then slowly walked into view, revealing her body in a black bathing suit. No trunks, no shirt, no water shoes.

As she walked, Elise smiled radiantly, like a child who was about to open their Christmas presents. To her side, Amanda was grinning. Obviously, she found this whole situation quite humorous.

Sierra pointed down to her crotch. “Can you… see anything down there?”

“I mean… if you look closely. But trust me, no one will care.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, stop worrying so much. You’re gonna make yourself sick.”

“Okay.” Sierra said. “I trust you.”

Elise ran over and hugged Sierra tightly, kissing her cheek, and then her lips.

“You’re so brave.” She said to her.

Sierra smiled. That comment, as clichéd as it was, made her feel really good.

Elise backed out of the hug. “You look great too!”

Sierra looked down at herself, taking the time to examine her body, clad in this black bathing suit. A one piece, thankfully, she wasn’t near ready enough for a two piece. But the bathing suit was still quite revealing. Wearing it made her acutely aware of just how much of her body she was “showing off”, so to speak. Her arms and legs were out and completely free. Her breasts became more prominent with the suit specifically reaching down to get to their level. The suit made them look, not really bigger, but more special and important. It was a weird feeling that Sierra wasn’t sure if she liked or not.

While Sierra was looking at herself, one thing that did catch her eye was how much more tan Elise and Amanda were than her. Since they were both field hockey players and sprinters for the track and field team, they exercised in the sun a lot, so that made sense. Perhaps Sierra should get out more too.

“I guess I do.” Sierra said, hints of a smile appearing on her face.

“Of course you do.” Elise said back.

Sierra looked back up. Elise was stunning in her bikini, of course. She was always beautiful, and she was always so confident about it. Maybe underneath, she was insecure about her appearance, but if she was, she did a good job of hiding it.

Sierra noted Amanda didn’t look too bad in her bikini either. Of course she would never say that out loud, lest she want Elise to slap her.

Looking at the two girls in front of her, Sierra had to admit, it was kind of funny that, as a girl, she was hanging out with more hot girls in bikinis than she ever had as a guy.

Maybe one day, she’d even wear a bikini herself.

One day, she promised.

***

Sierra gripped onto Elise’s hand. Tighter than she needed to, but she was really nervous.

The first step was putting on the bathing suit. The second was actually walking around in it.

She sure was facing a lot of challenges today.

Sierra still couldn’t believe she let Elise convince her to do this. When she had first shown her this bikini, she pulled it out of her bag with the widest grin Sierra had ever seen on her face. She presented it to her, and Sierra wanted to shut the suggestion down immediately, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She knew that somewhere in her mind, she wanted to wear it. She’d be lying if she said she never fantasized about wearing women’s bathing suits. Hell, she’d be lying if she said she never fantasized about wearing bikinis. She knew that one part at the back of her mind was going to compel her to want to wear the suit. It was like how in old TG stories, a character’s mind after being transformed compelled them to wear women’s clothing, and made them want it. Except, Sierra didn’t need any brainwashing for her mind to make her want to wear women’s clothing. That was just how her mind was.

So she agreed to wear it. She already went on a rollercoaster, what more was this?

Elise was ecstatic when Sierra decided to wear the suit. She may have been more excited about it than Sierra was. She had even brought waterproof medical tape with her. She really wanted her to wear this!

It was safe to say that Elise had gotten what she wanted, all right. Amanda looked pretty thrilled about it too, as evidence from her grinning.

If only Sierra didn’t have to do so much on her part.

Only just more than halfway through this day and it was already turning out to be one of the most eventful Sierra had ever experienced. Just that day, she had done so many things that she never could have dreamed of doing just a few weeks ago. Getting put in makeup and a dress, coming out to Amanda, wearing women’s clothes in public, being a woman in public, and now, wearing a bathing suit in public. And that wasn’t even counting going on a rollercoaster.

Elise was for sure a good motivator. It was crazy how much you could do with just a little push.

Sierra rubbed her arm. She had always been self-conscious of the way she looked, so displaying so much of her body for the whole world to see was quite the unnerving prospect. And yet, here she was, doing it right then and there. She had agreed to this!

Sierra couldn’t help but look at her feet. This was probably the first time she had been barefoot in public in years. First time she had been barefoot out of the shower in years, even. It was a pretty hard step to take, in more ways than one, but she was glad she’d done it. She was never going to be the type of person who wears open toe footwear everywhere they went, but it was good to try and become less repulsed by your own body.

Still, her feet were kind of big. Were they too big for a woman? Would someone see them and immediately know she was trans? Maybe, maybe not. She hoped they’d be too focused on their own lives to notice things like that.

And what about her hands? Were they too big too? Examining her hands and comparing them to Elise’s and Amanda’s, she saw that her’s were indeed bigger. Was that bad? Sierra’s gut instinct was “yes”, as she had hated her “big man hands” ever since the start of puberty.

Having been an avid reader of TG stories for so long, Sierra knew how important the TG’d character’s hand size was in a lot of them. Important in the sense that it was brought up a lot when the character examines or “takes in” their transformed bodies. “For a Girl”, for instance, had a scene where Stephanie seems amazed by how small her hands are post transformation. “Of Heroes And Villains” had a scene where, after being transformed, Kara gets mad at how small her hands are, as she sees it as a representation of how much weaker she has become. But then later on, she examines her hands and has a complete change of heart, choosing to see them as delicate and graceful.

TG stories, for better or worse, just seemed to have a fascination with hands. It wasn’t hard to see why. After all, hands are immediately noticeable in your line of sight, and you use them a lot on a day to day basis. You see your hands a lot more than you see your chest or genitals. Combine that with how women’s hands tend to be smaller, and it made sense why TG stories brought up hand size so much. Emphasizing how small the MC’s hands are did a lot to reinforce the fact that they were a woman now.

Sierra herself had long been fascinated with the idea of having small hands. Girl’s hands were always just so much more graceful and nice looking than Devin’s big rough ones. Holding Elise’s hand had been a frequent source of jealousy for her.

At least her hands looked better than before. Softer skin could do a lot on its own.

She just wished they were smaller too.

“Is something wrong?” Elise asked.

“No.” Sierra said. “Just got lost in my thoughts.”

***

As the three girls continued walking through the park, Sierra turned her attention from her hands and feet down to her crotch, making sure there was no bulge. Elise had assured her this tape wouldn’t come off, but she was still worried. If someone saw her bulge, she didn’t know what she’d do. She’d probably run back to the car, refusing to ever come back to the park again.

Someone seeing her bulge… she shuddered at the thought. Her mind was quick to concoct all kinds of awful scenarios in her head.

***

The waterslide had dropped Sierra under the water. She was quick to surface, swimming her way back to the ground. She climbed up the ladder and got back up onto the surface, only to be greeted by dozens of disgusted, smirking, and aghast faces.

She looked over to Elise, who had her head down in shame. Right beside her, Amanda shook her head, showing a stern display of disappointment.

Confused, Sierra felt compelled to look down at her crotch, only to see her worst nightmares come to life. Her testicles had slipped out the side of her suit and her penis was erect, sticking right out for all to see.

She panicked, running away as far as she could, trying to get out of the public eye, but she couldn't find anywhere that people weren’t around. They all stared at her in disgust, some even running away from her in fear. There was nowhere to hide, nowhere that wasn’t out in the open.

Eventually, Sierra collapsed onto the ground, hoping that at one point she’d just die and it’d be over. But that never happened. She stayed on the ground and was forced to endure every single-

Sierra shook her head, shuddering. She got way too wrapped up in her imaginary scenarios. She needed to make sure she didn’t get too caught up in her own head.

Sierra switched her focus to where Elise and Amanda were walking toward. She saw a waterslide come into view.

“Oh…” She thought. “Perfect.”

***

Every minute the line to get into the waterslide grew shorter and shorter. The slide itself, encased mostly in a tube, only grew more intimidating with each step.

Sierra was starting to have second thoughts about wearing this bathing suit.

“I never should’ve given him my number.” Amanda said.

“He’s still messaging you?” Elise asked her.

“Every day, yeah.”

“Have you told him to stop?”

“Oh gee I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.” Amanda said mockingly. “Of fucking course I told him to stop. I told him if he wanted to keep texting me he needed to stop hitting on me. He hasn’t.”

“Sorry, it was just a question.” Elise defended. “What kind of stuff does he send?”

“Well, just this morning he sent me some shit that was like ‘Adam and Eve were meant to be together, just as Amanda and Steve are’. So dumb and forced, especially since Steven has never gone by ‘Steve’ in his life.”

“At this point just tell him to stop texting you altogether.” Elise explained. “If he doesn’t, block him.”

“Yeah that’s my plan right now.” Amanda said. “I just don’t get why he’s so obsessed with me.”

“That’s just part of being a hot girl.”

“Yeah, I know.” Amanda said in defeat. “I just wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

Sierra silently listened to their conversation, not having the desire to join it. It was definitely interesting. She’d never really been close to Steven, but she did know him and Ryan had some kind of falling out recently. They didn’t really talk to each other much these days. What the falling out was about, Sierra didn’t know. It might have been connected to this. Steven has had a pretty clear crush on Amanda for years, and in the past it seemed pretty harmless. But as of late, it’s become a bit obsessive and almost creepy. If that’s what caused Ryan to stop being friends with him, Sierra would understand.

Sierra assumed Amanda didn’t reciprocate Steven’s feelings, but wanted to be nice and give him a chance to talk to her. It looked like that backfired pretty hard.

In a way, it was a bit tragic. When he entered high school, Steven wanted to become a football player, and a thrower for the track and field team, just to get more popular and have an easier time getting girls.

He did become more popular. He had become a great athlete, well respected all around the school. He had the body and muscle to show for it too. But the harsh reality was that none of this automatically fixed the core problems he had with forming relationships with girls. Doing this didn’t suddenly get him a girlfriend, and he was left as hopeless as he was before. Much worse even, recently at least.

If there was a moral to this story, it was that you couldn’t expect changing one thing to fix everything, something Sierra already knew all too well.

Sierra looked and saw their turn on the slide was almost up. At least thinking about Steven had gotten her mind off the deranged fantasies her mind produced. What was she even worried about?

She looked back down at her crotch.

Oh, right.

***

The worker stationed at the ride ushered Sierra, Elise, and Amanda in, leaving Sierra needing to contain her gulp. She thought she heard Elise and Amanda excitedly talk about who was going to win in the race to the finish, but it was as if that conversation was happening far away, from a distance.

“Hey.” Elise said. “Are you okay?”

Sierra looked over to her and sighed. She should probably be honest with her. She leaned in and said quietly, “I’m afraid my tuck will go undone.”

Elise simply leaned in and kissed her. “You’ll be fine.” She cupped her face. “I’m right here with you.”

Hearing her repeated words from earlier in the day brought Sierra a sense of comfort. She smiled and whispered “thank you.”

Really, why was she scared at all?

“Are you three about ready?” The worker said with a hint of impatience.

“Yes.” Elise responded. “Sorry.”

All three of the girls were lined up and ready to go down. Sierra finally let herself unravel, and she could join in Elise and Amanda’s enjoyment.

The ride they were about to go on was a fast and short one, the Whitecap Racer. With six different tubes attached, it was easily one of the most immediately recognizable rides when walking around the ground of the park. As Sierra had heard from Elise and Amanda, it was an absolute thrill to go on.

And when she began going down it, she could see why.

It was fast, exhilarating. The water constantly rushing past her gave off a cool, pleasant feeling onto her skin. The turns of the tube were a joy to slide through. In the middle of it, she was thrust outside into the sun once more, seeing that Elise and Amanda were quite a ways ahead of her. She didn’t care.

It was then back into the tubes for another round of turns. It was even more exhilarating the second time. The water rushing past her felt even nicer on her skin, and the speed she was going felt even faster on her body.

Soon after it began, the ride came to an end. Not at a pool thankfully, but just as a place to stop and get back into the main park. Sierra saw the winner of the race, Amanda, proud of her victory as water splashed into her face, signaling her stop.

She got up and exited the ride, quick to get back to the main park. She looked down and, sure enough, there was almost no bulge. The tuck hadn’t come undone. She smiled. She was making herself worried over nothing, like usual for her. Nothing had happened, aside from her getting wet, which considering the heat and her mindset, she really needed.

Elise was right, she should try to relax more.

Back in the main park, Sierra brought Elise into a hug and a kiss. Elise happily reciprocated, their wet bodies snuggled against each other in a warm embrace. They didn’t hold the kiss for long, they were in public, and they didn’t want to put on a show for onlookers like last time, so they moved back to holding each other’s hands with smiles.

This may have been, by all means, a silly little accomplishment, but for Sierra it felt much bigger than that. It didn’t just feel like she was on top of the world, or that she was overcoming all her challenges. It felt like she was continuing to take the steps to becoming the brave, confident, adventurous, beautiful woman she had always wanted to be, all throughout her life.

It sounded overly cheesy, and it probably was. But that didn’t matter to Sierra. She was moving forward. And sometimes, that was enough.

“You owe me ten dollars, slowass.” Amanda said, smirking.

“Wait, you two made a bet?” Sierra asked.

“Of course, we did. What’s the fun in winning if there’s no consequence for losing?” Amanda asked.

“Seems a bit extreme.” Sierra said.

“Seems a bit fun. That’s what it is.” Amanda corrected. “Now Elise, my money.”

“I’ll give it to you when we leave today.” Elise told her.

“You better. If you don’t, I’m going to be the biggest pain in the ass about it until you do.”

Elise rolled her eyes while Sierra giggled. They were such an amazing trio.

“It’s hard to say what it was like, being out there in a bathing suit. Hard to put into words and say anything other than ‘it felt good’, I guess. That doesn't even really describe it well either. ‘It felt good’ is so vague it could mean anything. It felt liberating maybe? I don’t know, I’m new to this.

Well, getting back on topic, Elise convinced me to go on another ride. A simple one, one where it just went straight up, turned, then went down. There was a splash at the end. I don’t remember what it was called, but after SkyRush, going on this was nothing.

Or maybe it wasn’t actually, because I was still pretty nervous before we got on it. Less nervous than before SkyRush though. Progress is being made, that’s what’s important here.

After that we chilled on the Lazy River. I have a bit of a funny story about the Lazy River, actually. Well, it’s probably not really funny at all, just another reason why I don’t go to Hershey Park very often.

It happened when I was 13. My family went to the water park that day with one of the neighbor’s families. They had just moved in and had a son. My parents made a pretty big deal out of that, thinking this was an opportunity for me to make a new friend. That didn’t happen. We pretty much never talked to each other in the two situations we were ever even together. I don’t even remember his name. He moved away a year after that too. My parents never brought him up again. They probably wouldn’t try to do that again if another kid were to move here.

You know, sometimes I wonder if my parents somehow knew of my gender troubles, because especially when I was around 12-14 they put a lot of special emphasis on me being a ‘boy’. They gave me two books to read one summer, very much emphasizing the fact they were made for ‘young boys’. When that kid moved over here, they really stressed that he was ‘another boy’. They kept asking me things like ‘did you talk to any of the boys there’. I doubt they suspected I wanted to be a girl, but they probably didn’t like that I wasn’t very ‘rough’ or ‘brave’. Compared to most boys I was pretty squeamish about doing things like hunting or tree climbing. Searching for crawfish was a big one I remember when I was really young. I was too scared to even go in the creek water for them. I swear, when I first told them Elise and I were dating, they were shocked. They may have suspected I was gay. Not exactly a wrong assumption on their part, or on my part.

And now I’m getting off-topic again. Gotta work on that. Anyway, when I was 13 that one kid and I went on the Lazy River. We didn’t talk to each other. It was pretty awkward. When it was over, we had separated a bit, and he was ahead of me. He was still in eyesight when I saw him get out, and then when I got out I couldn’t see him. I went back to the wave pool and our parents just weren’t there. I walked around the whole park looking for them, going in circles sometimes, and by the end I was getting pretty nervous.

Turns out they were looking for me too, because they found me. And they had gotten pretty worried about me. The neighbor kid got kind of mad at me and said I walked away. He seemed annoyed by me. I guess that’s why we never really became friends.

I didn’t get lost this time. I didn’t tell that story to Elise and Amanda, but I was thinking about it. I made sure I avoided it this time, and thankfully I did.

We went to the wave pool after that, and made sure that we did not touch the railings. I don’t know why that’s important, all I know is that when I was 13, during that same trip I got lost, I held onto the railings and heard a whistle blow but no one came to me. When I got out of the pool, my mother seemed kind of mad and told me the lifeguards were blowing their whistle telling me to stop holding onto the rails. No one told me about that, not even the lifeguards. I don’t remember that rule being written anywhere. Was that something I was just supposed to know? I’ve seen other people get told off by lifeguards when they hold onto the rails on wave pools. Why was that a bad thing? I can’t even find anything about this rule on the internet, but I know for sure it exists. Why? What’s the point of having the rails there if you can’t use them? Are the rails going to break off if people use them? Does holding onto them interfere with the waves? I don’t get it.

Other than that, the wave pool was definitely fun. Elise and I did get a bit carried away in there, making out with each other. Definitely distracting a lot of people, I’m sure, but we stopped caring. Amanda didn’t bother to tell us to stop. I guess she had admitted defeat.

Well, now we’re back in Elise’s car, all dried off. At least Elise and I are. I don’t know where Amanda ran off to. She said she had to do something. Probably go to the bathroom, I assume.

I’ve been at this for quite a while now. And it does feel good. Maybe I’ll do this more often. It’s been a pretty fun day. Hell, it’s been a pretty amazing day, one of the best I’ve ever had. It’s been tiring sometimes, but other times it was exhilarating. To be in a bathing suit, go on a rollercoaster, come out to Amanda all in one day? To think two weeks ago I was too nervous to go out without a sweatshirt on is insane. I love Elise so much.

I don’t think I’d ever be able to say this, but I think I might really be a trans girl named Sierra.”

Sierra heard the car door open in the back.

“What are you doing there? Typing out a diary? What are you, 12?” Amanda teased.

“Well… Elise sort of brought up the idea, and I thought I’d try it out.”

“Did you start it off by saying ‘dear diary’”?

“No, of course not. I don’t think anyone actually starts it off like that.”

“Emma did.” Elise cut in. “And were you listening to me? I didn’t bring up you writing a diary, I brought up how I used to sneak into Emma’s room and read her diary.”

“Well, it gave me the idea.” Sierra said.

“You read Emma’s diary? Seriously?” Amanda asked. “You keep complaining about her invading your room but you read her diary?”

“That was years ago, she was 7.” Elise explained. “I’ve grown up. Emma hasn’t. Maybe she should’ve hid it better.”

“‘Well maybe you should’ve hid your bitchiness better’.” Amanda mocked in a childish tone.

“Don’t imitate Emma.” Elise said. “Please, dealing with her is enough already.”

“Just wanted to make sure you got a response from her.”

Elise held back a sigh. “Do we have everything?”

“I think so.” Sierra said.

“Good, let’s take the third wheel home.”

Amanda chuckled. “You think I’d want to see you two getting it on? Sierra would probably stop midway through whenever some song on the radio comes on she doesn’t like.”

Elise mockingly laughed at her. Sierra held her head. What a strange group of people.

As Elise started the car, Sierra turned back to look at Hershey Park. No longer was it an intimidating sight. It was pretty nice. She should start going to Hershey Park more often.

Elise turned on the radio. Heat Waves by Glass Animals was playing.

Sierra snapped her head back. “Oh, I fucking hate this song.”

Elise sighed while Amanda laughed. Here she goes again.

Sierra examined her face in the mirror as Elise pulled into Amanda’s driveway

“I think my makeup’s finally faded.” She said, rubbing her chin.

“Yeah, sweat’ll do that to you.” Amanda said. “Believe me, I know. Those girls on the team who wear makeup, I’ll never understand them.”

“Is that something you’d like to do again?” Elise asked.

“Of course!” Sierra said excitedly without thinking. She let out a forced cough afterward. “I mean, well, yeah… I think I’d like to do it again.”

Elise smiled. “I’m gonna need to teach you a lot then.” She said. “You may have missed seven or so years so we have a lot of catching up to do.”

“Right.” Sierra nodded.

The two stared into each other’s eyes for a bit before relenting and kissing each other hard and fast.

Amanda sighed. “Look, I know you guys are only doing this to taunt me.”

Elise interrupted the kiss, grinning. “Can you not handle a little making out? You’re acting like Emma.”

“Emma would be the one making out too much.”

“Don’t remind me.” Elise said.

Amanda smirked, opening the car door. “Good bye.” She said, getting out and back up to her house.

Elise watched Amanda as she walked, deep in thought.

“Sierra, you know those rumors going around about Amanda being a lesbian?” She asked.

“Do you believe them?”

Elise pursed the side of her lips.

“Oh wait! Shit!” Amanda yelled, running back. “My wallet dropped on the floor. Shit, I was about to be giving you a thousand bucks.” She said when she grabbed it, opening to check for her ID.

“Oh please we’re not like that.” Elise said. “You’d trust me with your wallet right?”

Amanda smirked as she shut the passenger side door and came up to the opened front window, looking at both the girls in the front.

“You know.” Amanda said to Elise. “I find it funny that your best boyfriend turned out not to be a boy.”

Elise laughed. “Girl power.” She said jokingly.

Amanda smiled. She was about to start running to her house before turning back for a second.

“Sierra?” She said.

Sierra’s eyes perked up.

“Good job today.”

Sierra nodded. “Thanks.”

Amanda nodded back, and then finally turned away and ran to her house for real. Elise continued looking at her in deep thought, though she wasn’t sure about what anymore.

“You know, when I saw Amanda check for her ID, the first thing I thought of was her name.” Sierra said. “And my name. I haven’t picked out a middle name.”

“You have any ideas in mind?” Elise asked.

“Well, I could change ‘Tyler’ to ‘Taylor’ but I think that’d be too easy. I don’t know, I’ll have to think on it a little longer. Something that jumps out at me and says ‘that’s my name’.”

“Must be a pretty cool thing to change your name.”

“I think more people should do it actually.” Sierra responded. “Not for any reason, just to do it.”

“Be a lot of paperwork.” Elise said back. “And I never really had a problem with my name. Very French, and it’s unique. Not often you see many girls named ‘Elise’. I actually remember teasing Amanda about that, all the way back in like… first grade? There was another Amanda in school but there wasn’t another Elise.”

“Well there isn’t another Amanda anymore, so don’t flatter yourself.”

Elise laughed and started her car.

***

Elise was forced to pull over to the gas station before she drove very far. When she got there, Sierra looked through the parking lot and instantly took notice of one very annoying, very inconvenient detail.

“Great…” She groaned as she looked out the window. “Ryan’s car.”

“Yeah, such an awful thing for your friend to be here.”

Sierra glared at Elise, which she returned with an eye roll.

“I’m not gonna force you to do anything, but that attitude needs to stop. Your friends are not some obstacle to avoid.”

“You’re sounding like Amanda.” Sierra remarked.

“I’m sounding like sense.” Elise shot back. “Look, I understand why you’re hesitant about telling your parents. I get it. But Ryan isn’t them. He’s your friend, he doesn’t hold any power over you. Would it be so bad to put just a little trust in your friend?”

Sierra balled her fists, raising them to the window.

“Not now, not in public. Some other time, he’ll know soon enough.”

Elise nodded, exiting the car at about the same time Ryan exited the store.

“I promise.” Sierra mouthed to herself.

Elise inserted the gas pump into her car, shooting a quick glance to Ryan, who clearly saw her and looked like he was debating whether or not to go to her. After a few seconds, he seemed to eventually settle on “yes”.

“Hey.” He said as he approached. “Is Devin in the car?”

“Yes.” Elise replied. “He’s pretty tired though. Long day, might not want to come out.”

“Oh.” Ryan said, coming to a stop in front of the car. “Well, I just thought I’d drop by and let him know I got back from the camping trip.”

“I can tell.” Elise said sarcastically. “How was that trip anyway?”

“Pretty good.” Ryan answered. “No one got bit by a snake this time so that was nice. We tried out making our own shelters one night and-”

Sierra’s head was drooped in shame as she heard the conversation play out. Why was she such an ass? This was one of her closest friends and she was treating him like dirt. He had actually asked her right before the school year ended if she wanted to go on that trip with him, and she declined because she was too afraid to admit the truth.

Recalling the extreme look of disappointment on Ryan’s face when she declined still made her feel as guilty as she was when she first saw it.

She had used the ‘I want to hang out with my girlfriend’ excuse, but it was again, an excuse. Especially since, at the time, she wasn’t even telling her what was going on. “Way to be a shit friend”, she thought.

She absolutely needed to tell Ryan. Very soon, to make things up. But not now, not at a gas station where everyone could see them.

But she couldn’t just sit here and avoid him.

“I think I’ve become pretty good at cooking fish.” Ryan told Elise. “The guys all liked it. Think you should try it too.” He chuckled. “Maybe if you come to the next trip Devin will come too.”

Elise took the pump out of her car. “Look, as much as I would love to force Devin to go on a camping trip, my dad would not stand for me going out with a bunch of guys. And… to be honest, I don’t know if I’d like to go out with a bunch of guys either.”

“I don’t blame you.” Ryan replied. “Anyway, I’ve also been told-”

“You’ve been told what?” Sierra said as she stepped out of the car.

“I knew you were alive in there.” Ryan smiled, walking up to her. “Anyway, I was just gonna tell Elise that-” His voice trailed off as his eyes focused downward.

Sierra squinted in confusion. In the corner of her eye she could see Elise trying to contain her laughter and failing, but she didn’t understand what was so funny.

“Ryan, what’s wrong?” She asked, frustrated.

“Aren’t those Elise’s shorts?”

Sierra instantly felt her skin grow cold and her heart rate shoot up. “Oh SHIT!” She thought. How did she forget about the shorts?

“It was a bet.” Elise said, still laughing. “I bet her that if she could go on SkyRush without screaming, I’d give her twenty dollars. She lost, so she had to wear my shorts for the rest of the day.”

“‘She’?” Ryan asked. “Was that part of the bet too?”

Sierra turned to Elise, eyes wide in fear as Elise nearly cringed at her mistake.

“That’s just to tease him.” Elise said. “If you look at him in my shorts he looks like he could be one of the girls.”

“Well he did shave his legs.” Ryan remarked.

“Crap.” Sierra thought. “Forgot about that too.”

“Uh… congratulations on going on SkyRush.” Ryan laughed a bit awkwardly. “I didn’t think you had that in you.”

“Trust me, I didn’t either.”

“No longer afraid of rollercoasters?”

“I wouldn’t go that far.” Sierra said. “But I think I’ve made some progress.”

“Let’s go.” Ryan reached out his hand and Sierra took it in some rough approximation of a “bro shake”.

Sierra shook her head, smiling. It was then that she finally took notice of the scent she’d been smelling ever since Ryan came over.

“Have you showered?” She asked him.

“No, I was gonna do that when I got home, I didn’t think I was gonna run into you two.”

“Did you shower during the trip?” Elise asked.

“Well… no.”

“No?” Elise said. “Weren’t you out there for like, six days?”

“Five days.” Ryan corrected.

“You should still take a shower. Aren’t campers supposed to shower in the river or something?”

“It was only five days, we didn’t think it’d be a big deal.” Ryan explained.

“It kind of is.” Sierra retorted. “Because you stink.”

“Okay fine, if you want to crap on me crap on me. But if you two were out in the woods for five days, you wouldn’t smell very good either. So I don't really want to hear it.”

“I’d take at least one shower.” Sierra said.

“Yeah, well shut up.” He laughed. “Anyway, I better hit the road. See you all later.”

“Wait!” Elise called out before he could run off. “What was it you were gonna tell me?”

“Huh? Oh! Um… Xavier’s friend is hosting a party July 2nd. I don’t know the address but I can get it and text it back.”

“Party?” Sierra asked. “What kind of party? And which friend?”

“Come on Devin, you know what a party is.” Ryan chuckled. “And… well the friend is a guy he met online. He’s a junior in college, I think. I don’t know what his name is, but he’s twenty-one and he’s hosting a party at his frat house. The frat says they’re letting anyone seventeen and up go.”

“That sounds like a horrible idea. A bunch of college guys opening a party where high schoolers will be.” Elise said. “Plus, frats are breeding grounds for rapists.”

“Can’t argue with that.” Ryan conceded. “I guess it’s a ‘go at your own risk’ type of thing. They’re throwing three parties this summer and they already threw one last Friday. Third one’s in August. Just wanted to know if you’re interested.”

Sierra and Elise stared at each other for a while.

“I’ll think about it.” Elise said.

Ryan nodded. “Devin?”

Sierra looked down, biting her lip. “…uh, same as her. I don’t know.”

“Alright.” Ryan replied. “Well, just… send me a text if you make up your mind and I’ll make sure to send you the address.”

“Okay, thanks.” Elise said.

Ryan looked back to his car. “Okay, I really have to go. Uh, fun talking to you two. See you later!”

He ran back to his car and quickly, he was pulling out of the station.

Sierra slowly turned back to Elise with a furrowed brow.

“A bet?” She asked. “Seriously?”

“I didn’t see you come up with anything.” Elise responded. “It was the first thing I could think of.”

“Do you think he bought it?” Sierra asked. “I don’t think he did.”

Elise pulled out her debit card and paid for the gas. “We’ll worry about that later. Why don’t we go back to your house first?”

“Right now?” Sierra asked. “We won’t stop for dinner?”

“I could go for dinner, if you want.” Elise said. “Got any place in mind?”

“I do.” Sierra said, running to the other side of the car. “And I’d like to drive you there, if that’s okay.”

Elise handed over the keys, then left her side for the passenger seat.

“I’ll pay for everything.” Sierra said, getting into the driver’s seat. “Consider it my treat for making Emma stay in your room.”

“Oh, you don’t actually need to do that, that wasn’t a serious request.”

“Too bad.” Sierra smirked, starting the car.

***

“I’ve been meaning to take you here for a while.” Sierra said, parking the car. “I’ve dropped by here a few times before, it’s pretty good.”

Elise raised an eyebrow at the restaurant in front of her. “It’s just a pizza place.”

“A very good pizza place, the best in town I’d say.” Sierra said. “All the other local pizza places around here kind of suck. Too much grease. Either that or they’re too bready. And the big pizza chains… well, they’re not very good either. I had Domino’s once, tasted awful. Papa John’s is too sweet, Little Caesars tastes like cardboard, and Pizza Hut is… probably the best of the four, but only really by default.”

“Pizza Hut’s crust does suck though.” Elise retorted. “And it’s too expensive.”

“I did say ‘by default’.” Sierra explained. “There’s not much competition.”

“I don’t really have a preference.” Elise replied.

“You will soon because this,” Sierra pointed to the restaurant, “is the real deal. It’s fresh, it has the perfect amount of cheese, sauce, and crust, and the texture is incredible. Not too greasy, or soggy, or hard, it’s just right.”

Elise got out of the passenger seat. “Let’s hope it is. Been dying for some good pizza, this county doesn’t have any.”

“It’s worth it.” Sierra said, grabbing Elise’s hand. “Trust me.”

***

With it being late afternoon on a Sunday, the place wasn’t exactly packed. There were a few people here and there, but it was pretty abundant that most saw Sunday as a time to prepare for the office, not as a time to relax and go out to eat.

It was very fortunate that Sierra and Elise were still high school students, and as such had no reason to view Sunday that way during the summer. Adults would probably say to “enjoy it while you can”, and Sierra was planning on taking that advice.

“You were right.” Elise said after swallowing a bite of the recently arrived pizza. “This is really good.”

Sierra smiled. “This is basically the only place I eat pizza at anymore. It’s so good.”

“How have I not heard of this before?”

“Well it is rather new.” Sierra said. “It almost didn’t survive the pandemic. Place was on very thin ice, or so I heard. But somehow it managed. It’s a real miracle that it did.”

“I can see why they survived, this is great. I don’t think I’ll eat pizza anywhere else again either.” Elise said.

“Best New York style in the county. Now what we need is some authentic Italian style pizza. Or maybe some of that Chicago Deep Dish stuff. A lot of people like to hate on it but it looks… interesting.”

“They hate on it because it’s not pizza.” Elise said. “It looks more like lasagna. You can’t just put melted cheese and tomato sauce on dough and say it’s pizza. There’s gotta be like, some kind of structure to it.”

“Regardless, I would like to try both styles before the summer’s over.” Sierra said back. “I’d like it if you joined me.”

Elise rolled her eyes. “Okay.”

***

As another favor to her, Sierra allowed Elise to take all of the slices that hadn’t been eaten. Elise was almost going to say again that it wasn’t necessary, but she knew Sierra would have none of it, so she didn’t try.

The two returned to their original seats when they got back to the car, Elise in the driver’s and Sierra in the passenger's. Before Elise began driving off however, something erupted inside her and she blurted out the first thing that came to her mind.

“Sierra, I think I might be a lesbian.” She said.

“Wow, that was fast, what happened to being bi?” Sierra asked. “Or do you mean lesbian as in ‘I’m a girl dating a girl’?”

“It’s just this feeling I get.” Elise explained. “I got it when looking at Amanda and thinking about those rumors. It made me second guess myself. When I dated my older boyfriends, was I really attracted to them? I remember that I was, but looking back on it… I’m not so sure. Do you still consider yourself bi?”

“Yes, I still like men.”

“I don’t know if I do. I think I did before, but… Sierra, I think you might have made me a lesbian.”

“Good, my evil plan has worked. Now we can work together to turn every girl in this county into a lesbian. ”

“In that case you better start with yourself, you dork.” Elise punched Sierra’s shoulder.

“But you haven’t heard of my other evil plan to-

“Turn every boy in this county into a girl.” Elise interrupted, shaking her head jokingly. “So predictable, you’re gonna need to get some new material.”

“Oh, shut up.” Sierra told her.

Elise grinned, finally backing her car up and beginning the long trek to Sierra’s house. She glanced over to her purse and for a second her grin grew wider before settling down. She turned over to the passenger side, looking at Sierra’s face through the side view mirror.

She wasn’t smiling, but Elise could still tell she was happy. It was in her eyes. Elise dawned that same look in her eyes as well.

Tonight was going to be a very special night.

No words were spoken for the rest of the trip. It was silent the whole way back, but this was a warm, comfortable silence, much unlike the tense, awkward one on those first few trips to the mall at the start of the summer. Nothing more needed to be said, a feeling both Sierra and Elise knew well.

Sierra gazed out her window, watching the sun begin to set in the horizon. She hadn't realized they’d been out for so long. It was getting all too easy to lose track of time these days.

By the time the two got back to Sierra’s house, the sky was well on its way to dusk. Elise parked her car and kissed Sierra as soon as it was stopped. When they exited it and got to the porch, they immediately found a nice place on the wall to stick to, and they made out. They kissed passionately, lovingly, and a bit impatiently, as if they were greedy for something more.

Elise backed out of the kiss, cupping Sierra’s cheek. “You are so beautiful.”

Sierra took Elise’s hand in her’s, blushing. “I love you.”

Elise giggled. “You like being called beautiful don’t you?” She asked. “That’s a very good thing. You are a very beautiful girl.”

“Oh I don’t know if I’d go-”

“I would.” Elise interrupted her with a kiss. “And I’m right.”

Sierra fiddled around with Elise’s hand a bit before she realized what she was doing and let it go. Elise laughed when she did, finding the whole thing amusing.

“I have a surprise for you.” Elise said.

“What is it?”

“Just hold on.” Elise answered, grabbing her purse and combing through it.

Sierra stood and waited as Elise searched. She didn’t need to ask, she knew in her heart that whatever Elise was searching for would be very important.

And she was right.

Elise pulled out a box of condoms, her face displaying an excited smile.

Sierra looked down, unsure of how to process the surprise. She was sure that somewhere deep in her mind, she was anticipating this. But now that it was here…

“Are you okay with this?” Elise asked.

Sierra turned back to her, a range of emotions running through her head that was so large she couldn’t tell what they were. But there was one thing going through her that she could detect.

Adrenaline.

Whatever was going on in her head, she was pumped. And looking at Elise, Sierra could tell she was pumped too.

Sierra nodded excitedly, giggling wildly alongside Elise as they took each other’s hands and ran into the house. After they shut and locked the door, it felt like they were the only people in the world. They ran up to Sierra’s bedroom and repeated the same process with her door, furthering that feeling.

Elise pinned Sierra to a wall and kissed her hungrily. Her tongue leapt into her mouth with no hesitation, and Sierra gladly met it with her own tongue. Little moans of pleasure came from their mouths, Sierra not even remembering to give her hatred of her voice a passing thought. They hugged each other tight, every second away was a second too much.

Still hugging Sierra, Elise took her mouth off for a bit and stared deeply into Sierra’s eyes. Her blue irises appeared more elegant to her now than ever before. The sight of Sierra’s soul must’ve been a very beautiful thing.

Elise reached her hands down to the hem of Sierra’s shirt, waiting for the signal to go on. She got it quickly with a nod, and soon the shirt was off.

Taking after her, Sierra reached down to the hem of Elise’s shirt and slowly lifted it up. Elise raised her hands up as it was pulled off and thrown to the floor.

The shorts came next. The two took turns taking them off each other, tossing them aside with the shirts. After that it was the socks, and before they knew it they were standing face to face with each other in only a bra and panties.

Sierra and Elise stood there for a while, both having a hard time comprehending how fast everything had happened. It would have driven them insane to visualize the event happening in real time. How had they lost control so quickly?

They needed to take things faster.

Sierra looked straight at Elise’s bra, wondering if she should take it off. She was about to ask, but Elise beat her to it.

“Are you ready?”

Sierra nodded without waiting. She was definitely ready.

Elise backed away and fell into Sierra’s bed, beckoning her to follow. She did so and landed in bed right beside her, laying on her side. Elise smiled and giggled at her. Sierra giggled back.

Sierra’s eyes wandered back to Elise’s bra. She asked herself that same question, should she take it off? Was this the right time? She’d be lying if she said she never wondered what Elise’s breasts looked like. She couldn’t help it, every now and again that thought would peek into her mind, if only for a moment.

She remembered from her time living as Devin that seeing a girl’s breasts in real life for the first time was supposed to be this big, important moment for a boy, especially when they were the breasts of his girlfriend. She recalled hearing many boys in the past bragging about seeing some girl’s breasts, and they always seemed very happy about it. It was as if they were seeing something dangerous or forbidden, with all their friends coming up to congratulate them for it.

So Sierra assumed this was supposed to be a big reveal. It might have been too bad she kind of ruined it with her hormones. The first pair of breasts she saw were, well, her own. In the past eight months, she’d seen them grow from nothing to where they were now. It was a bit anticlimactic, if she was honest.

That was a common line among main characters of TG stories, particularly if they were younger. They spend so much time wondering what women look like without their clothes on, only for the first naked female body they see in person to be themselves. Usually, it was a big disappointment.

But it wasn’t for Sierra. She quite liked it, suspense killer and all.

Either way, she was there on the bed, waiting for the right time to take off her girlfriend’s bra. She was almost about to go for it when something unexpected happened.

Unbeknownst to Sierra, Elise had also been wondering what her breasts looked like, all through this past week, and she was all too eager to find out.

Elise reached behind Sierra’s back and snapped off the bra. Sierra lifted her hands up and let it fall to the bed.

Never would Sierra have predicted that Elise would get to see her breasts before she saw her’s. If she went back and told herself that when they started dating, she'd have probably blown her past self’s head off.

“So that’s what you’ve been hiding under those sweatshirts.” Elise said. “That looks so uncomfortable. Don’t you ever let them out to breathe?”

“I don’t wear sweatshirts in here.” Sierra retorted. “I don’t wear a bra either, I just let them sit there under my shirt. It’s quite annoying when my parents call me and I have to put the bra and the sweatshirt on.”

“Do they yell at you for taking so long? Mine do.”

“Of course. I can never catch a break.”

A soft giggle escaped Elise’s mouth as she reached behind and snapped her bra off, tossing it to the floor. Sierra’s mouth was agape upon seeing them, her face turning red.

“Wow, they’re… big.”

“You’re acting like you’ve never seen a pair of tits before.”

“I… I haven’t seen a real pair before.”

“‘Real pair?’ What about the one on your chest? Looks pretty real to me.”

“Well yeah, but…”

“Is it because they’re not big enough?” Elise asked. “You shouldn’t worry about that. Mine have had seven years to grow, your’s haven’t got a full year yet. These things take time.”

“I know.”

“Stop putting yourself down.” Elise told her. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good.” Elise smiled. “Now there’s only one thing left to do.”

Sierra chuckled, her hands going down to her panties and sliding them off, dropping them on the floor. Elise followed suit, and for the first time, the two girls were seeing each other with their bodies completely bare.

They brought their mouths together again and made out long and hard. At some point, Elise rolled over, and Sierra rolled with her. Elise landed on her back and Sierra was on top of her, her arms holding her up on each side of Elise’s head. She ended the kiss, bringing her head up to look down at Elise, smiling.

And she continued to smile, staying in that position without moving an inch. She didn’t do anything for nearly half a minute before Elise became confused.

“Is something wrong?” She asked.

Sierra didn’t answer, she just looked up and down the bed, examining the scene she had put herself in. She was on top, Elise was on bottom. She was about to perform the role that had long made her feel intense revulsion in her fantasies.

She was going to love Elise by dominating her, just like a…

Something in Sierra’s mind snapped and her body froze, her smile dropping into a frown.

Elise grew concerned. “Are you okay?”

Sierra gulped, quickly rubbing her face with her right hand. “I…” She tried to say, before she felt her body grow cold and her vision start to close in.

“Oh no.” She said under her breath.

Sierra stood up and out of bed, her breathing growing heavy. She slowly moved back until she hit the wall. A surge of dizziness came across her and she tried to contain it by covering her eyes and sitting down.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Elise said, watching Sierra bring herself into a fetal position. “I didn’t know…” She stopped mid-sentence.

Sierra took her hands from her knees and rubbed them through her face, trying to calm herself down. Elise got off the bed and approached her with caution, eventually coming to crouch down beside her.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

Sierra lifted her head up. “I think so.” She answered. “I don’t feel as dizzy anymore.”

“That’s good.” Elise replied, slowly and unsurely raising her hand to touch Sierra’s shoulder. Her hand was stopped midway when Sierra took it and put it there herself.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“No, it’s okay.” Elise interrupted. “Do you want me to call the ambulance?”

Sierra chuckled through her heavy breathing. “God Elise, it’s just a little episode, we don’t need to take this to the hospital.”

Elise smiled. “I’m just looking out for you.” She moved her hand down to Sierra’s waist. “You’re not breathing so heavy anymore.”

“Right.” Sierra said back. “I think I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, do you want me to get you some water?”

“No, I don’t think-” Sierra tried to say, but Elise had already left the room.

Sierra slid her head back, her eyes staring up at the ceiling. The wall was putting a lot of pressure onto her head, and as annoying and uncomfortable as it was, she didn’t care.

Sierra sighed, crossing her arms and letting her legs fall to the floor.

Why did she have to ruin everything? Just when Elise and her were about to take that big step, her mind had to go into a panic, all because she couldn’t bring herself to love Elise like a man.

Sierra cringed at the thought of that. “Loving Elise like a man”, the thing that had made her dread this moment for so long. It was lost in the heat of the moment, but right when it was about to happen that dread returned and hit her with a harsh, unrelenting blow to her conscience. In an instant she was reduced to a shivering, useless waste of space.

Sometimes it amazed her how Elise could stand her.

Elise came back to the room and handed Sierra a water bottle, which she took a few sips out of.

“You look better.” Elise remarked. “Is the water helping?”

“I think so.” Sierra said. “It’s kind of funny picturing you walking around my house naked.”

Elise laughed. “Probably the only time that’ll ever happen. It feels really weird.”

“Because this isn’t your house?”

“Well yeah, but also just… I’m naked outside the shower, it feels like I’m doing something very wrong.”

“I get that.” Sierra replied. “It feels like you should have some clothes on. Or like someone will suddenly walk into the room and see you, even when you know that’s not going to happen.”

“When you say it like that it becomes creepy. Like some stalker is out to get me.”

“You’re right.” Sierra agreed.

“But I guess your room does give off the feeling of a safe sanctuary. We can be naked in here all we want.”

Sierra chuckled, not moving away when Elise went in to kiss her, nor when she put her hand on her face.

“How are you feeling?” Elise asked.

“I think I’m feeling good.”

Elise continued rubbing her thumb on Sierra’s cheek. “Do you want to…”

“Try that again?” Sierra finished for her. “I… I think I’d like to, but I don’t know. How about you?”

“Well… I'd be lying if I said I didn’t.” Elise giggled.

Sierra giggled back. “It was fun.” She said. “Until I…”

“Until we were about to start.”

“Yeah.” Sierra nodded. “I’d love to try again but… not like that. I can’t do it like that.”

Elise pursed her lip, looking back to Sierra’s bed.

“How would you like it?” She asked.

Sierra turned her head aside, racking her brain for ideas.

“I don’t know.”

Elise looked back at the bed, then at Sierra.

“Hold on.” She said, taking her hand. “Do you mind if I move you around?”

Sierra gazed into Elise’s eyes and saw the same look she did that morning. Patience, understanding, love. Elise wasn’t going to force her to do anything she didn’t want to. She could trust her.

“Yes.” Sierra answered.

Elise stood up, Sierra standing with her. Elise moved her forward to the bed before she gestured for her to lay down on it. Complying with the request, Sierra rested her back on the bed, laying her hands to her sides, waiting to see what Elise was going to do.

To the side of the bed, Elise examined Sierra’s body, her crotch specifically. She went back to her purse and took out the box of condoms, taking one out and placing it firmly on Sierra.

She then hopped up on the bed, on top of her, and leaned down to kiss her on the lips.

“Is this better?” She asked.

Sierra looked up to her, and down to herself, taking in the scene. Her on bottom, Elise on top. Elise taking the active role, while she was taking the passive.

With this set up, she wouldn’t have to…

Sierra smiled up at Elise. “It’s better.” She said, lifting her head to kiss her. “Much better.”