Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

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Eric looked out the window of the cab through rivers of raindrops that ran down the side of the roof in little streams. The sun was just reaching the ebb of twilight in the wet October sky as he opened the cab door and stepped out onto the muddy driveway in front of the house that was to be where he would live from now on. He couldn't call it home; that was back in Newport Beach.

The scent of rain and the faint hint of ozone combined with the imposing edifice, marble pillars standing to either side of four perfect marble steps up to the massive oak front door, to create a frightening scene. The twelve-year-old gulped as he'd had no idea what his aunt Heather's home would be like when he'd left Southern California. He had thought that even in twenty-ten northern New Hampshire would all be farms and rustic shacks made of hewn logs. The last thing he had expected was what appeared to him to be a mansion.

The cab driver irately came around the vehicle, stomping through the mud quickly. "Hey kid! You owe me another thirty-eight fifty!"

Startled by the man and his situation, Eric lost his footing and slipped in the mud, falling backwards onto his rear. Looking up at the imposing and obviously irritated man as mud and rain soaked into his ratty jeans, he blinked up at him. "I... I gave you all I had left." He pointed toward the massive building. "Th-they should be able to p-pay the r-rest, sir!"

Pulling the child up by his jacket accompanied by the sound of seams popping, the cabby growled at him. "They better be able to pay kid, or I'm calling the cops!" He dragged Eric up the fine marble steps, the youth noting that their passage left the only blemishes on the pristine wrap-around porch. Banging on the door in one continuous stream of noise, the cabby nearly fell through the doorway when it opened.

Eric looked into the house and saw a monstrously huge man in a tuxedo jacket staring at them with a look of near disdain. He was obviously well muscled and very tall, seeming at least half again as tall as Eric's four foot-ten height. He guessed he could use each leg of the man's pant legs as a sleeping bag.

The stranger stepped into the doorway, blocking most of it. "May I help you, sir?" he said in low even tones. "What is your business here?"

The cabby was initially intimidated, but determined to get what was owed to him. "Look Jeeves, you know this kid?" He hoisted Eric onto his tiptoes.

The man in the doorway looked emotionlessly down at the dangling child who had a terrified and broken look in his young eyes. "I have never seen him before sir, however..."

Even as he spoke, the cabby lifted Eric up by the jacket with his free hand, popping more seams on the sleeves as he hoisted the child completely off his feet. "You little thief! Think I have nothing better to do than... Ah!" He screamed as the man in the doorway gripped his arm like a vice, making him drop Eric unceremoniously onto the soiled and torn seat of his pants. "Lego of me!" he screamed, finally stepping away as the giant man released him. "What're you, crazy!" he yelled.

Clearing his throat, the huge man answered, "I only acted to prevent you from harming the boy, sir." Looking down at the child, he bent at the waist and offered a hand to him. "I am Fredrick, Madame Hargrave's butler. Would you, young sir, be Eric Dunning?"

Nodding as Fredrick helped him back up, he stammered shyly, "Y-yes, sir."

The driver moved up again cautiously. "Say...what's the gag here? You said you didn't know him!"

"I have never met young Master Eric before, sir." Fredrick replied smartly, "However, he was expected... though not until next week at the soonest."

"Well, the kid still owes me thirty-eight fifty for his fare! I hauled him all the way out here from Boston-Manchester and he shorted me! I ought to call the cops!"

"Fredrick?" a light feminine voice said from behind the butler. "What's going on?"

"Just an issue regarding young Master Dunning, Madame Hargrave." he replied with a slight turn of the head. "It appears he is here far in advance of when you were expecting him. There is also a... cab driver... insisting on an additional fee for the fare, Madame."

Watching as Fredrick moved back into the house, a woman came into Eric's view. Heather Hargrave was dressed in a formal gown of pink satin and lace, organza sleeves extending almost all the way to her fingertips. Her lovely blonde hair was curled and coifed perfectly to frame her beautiful countenance centered around two of the bluest eyes Eric had ever seen. As she looked down at him with a concerned expression, he felt ashamed of his disheveled appearance just being in her presence.

The driver, hoping to just get his money and go, cleared his throat. "Evening, lady! I drove the kid here all the way from Boston-Manchester and... well... he shorted my fare! Then this guy grabs me and almost breaks my arm!"

Fredrick bowed slightly to her and whispered in her ear. She sighed as she looked at the two strangers before saying, "Very well, Fredrick. Pay him what he is due."

Retrieving two twenty-dollar bills, Fredrick handed them to the driver. "The change and a receipt, if you please, sir." he intoned flatly.

Snatching the money from his meaty hands, the cabby grumbled and went back to his vehicle, Fredrick moving out the doorway to follow him.

"Won't you come in?" Heather said lovingly.

Stepping slowly and cautiously into the house, Eric's shoes squished with each footfall, making him embarrassed for even being in her lovely home. "S-sorry I'm such a m-mess. I... I fell d-down outside... Mrs. Hargrave?"

"You may call me 'Aunt Heather', Eric. And don't worry about the mess. Though you might want to remove those shoes!" she said lightly. Sweeping her hand toward a marble bench along the wall opposite the door, Eric could now see it was actually the side of an ornate marble stairway.

Making his way over to it, he sat down just as Fredrick came back in; the sound of the cab speeding off into the rainy night.

"Eric?" his aunt Heather asked. "Don't you have any luggage or bags? Were they still in the cab?"

He slowly shook his head. "They... they were lost somewhere when I changed planes... Detroit maybe? I... I asked the lady at the counter about them. She just gave me a number to call. She... she said they might be able to have them in a few days or so."

Heather looked down at the child who she hadn't seen since he was three years old. Her sister-in-law's son, Eric's defeated and vacant visage vaguely resembled both of his deceased parents, but favored Erica and her late husband's side of the family more. But his hair looks so much like Jack's! she noted of the boy's bedraggled dirty-blonde locks. Smiling at him sweetly as he started pealing his soggy shoes and socks off, she swallowed back her own inner turmoil over the family's loss and lowered herself down to the floor so she wouldn't tower over him.

"We weren't expecting you until the first of the month, Eric. I am sorry that we aren't prepared for your arrival, but I do hope you come to love living at Hargrave House, sweetie!"

Eric froze as she called him sweetie, the same thing his mother had always called him. His thoughts drifted to their final time together.

Erica Dunning smiled weakly as her son entered her hospital room. "Hi, sweetie!" she greeted him weakly, barely able to turn her head toward the door.

He swallowed hard, the sight of his mother so weak and helpless making him want nothing more than to just cry, but he made himself smile. "Hey, Mom! Looking beautiful as always! Coming home today?" he chirped.

She tried to keep smiling at him, but her strength was ebbing quickly. Her usual reply of 'Thank you, Eric! I bet I'm home by tomorrow!' was one of the ways they coped with her leukemia, but today she just sadly shook her head, knowing it was simply false hope. "No, sweetie."

Pausing as his smile fell like sunset, Eric shook his head. "No, Mom! You're supposed to say..."

She coughed painfully, reaching a hand out to her only child. "I'm sorry, sweetie! I'm afraid today I will be going Home... to be with your father." Her eyes drifted away aimlessly. "My Jack!" she almost whispered, her heart breaking for him just one more time.

"Mom?" Eric said taking her hand. It was cold and fragile, almost as though if he squeezed it too hard it would crack into powder like fine china. "You... you can't go! I... I need you!"

"I know, sweetie!" she said as a tear ran down her cheek. "I don't want to... but God has other plans for us... and sometimes they're hard to endure. My biggest regret is that I won't be here for you. Taking care of you, watching you grow, and being there for you when you need me. That and there's so many things I wanted to tell you when you got old enough to understand. About your father, about our family, about love and life."

"There are so many stories I wanted to tell you. Like how you got your name?" She laughed lightly as she remembered the day. "The doctor was so sure you were going to be a girl, we didn't even have a boy name picked! Jack wanted to call you 'Erica Bella'... 'Erica the beautiful'!" She laughed again at the memory of the wondrous sense of humor that was his gift, coughs eventually overtaking the light chuckles. "You should have seen his face when we found out the doctor was wrong and he had a son!"

Eric smiled weakly. "I guess he was pretty jazzed, huh Mom!" He tried to keep his tone up beat.

Nodding, his mother slowly blinked and smiled. "And then stammered like an idiot over what we were going to call you!"

He nodded at her. "I like my name just fine, Mom. Eric Bell is a great name!"

Chuckling once more, Erica's smile evaporated with her waning strength. "There's so much more. Things I wanted you to know about your father. What kind of man he was, why I loved him so much, why he had to do what he did... but it just isn't meant to be, sweetie. I'm sorry... so very sorry!" Her eyes closed long enough that Eric thought she might have fallen asleep, but a moment later she opened them once more.

"How are the Stones treating you, sweetie?"

Eric sighed as he looked down, thinking about his best friend April Stone. Her parents had taken him in six months earlier when his mother had been admitted to the hospital expecting only a short stay, but the longer it had gone on, the less welcoming her parents had become. "It's OK, I guess. Am... am I going to be staying with them for a long time, Mom?"

She shook her head once more. "No. I've written to your aunt Heather. She was my brother Richie's wife before he and your father died. She wrote me back to say she was going to take care of you from now on. You're going to go live with her in New Hampshire."

His eyes grew wide. "New Hampshire? But... I'll be so far away! Away from April... from my school... from all my friends! Why can't I stay here?" Eric's eyes began to well up with tears. "Why can't you stay here?"

"I wish I could, sweetie!" she said as she weakly released her hand from his and wiped the tear from his cheek. "I really do! But sometimes things happen and we don't get a choice... we just have to accept them. They make us who we are." Her strength gone, her hand slid back down onto her bed lifelessly. "I love you, sweetie. Always have, always will." her eyes closing once more.

"I love you too, Mom." He paused and waited for her to open her eyes again, but the machine next to her bed started beeping loudly. "Mom? Mom!? Mom!" As he watched her, tears dripping down his cheeks, a nurse came and escorted him out of her room for the last time.

"Eric!?" Heather said a fourth time, this time nearly shouting at the child who had gone almost catatonic for several seconds in the middle of taking off his shoes. "Eric, sweetie?" She watched as he blinked back to life, tears forming in his eyes as he resumed his task. "Are you alright?"

He nodded and stuffed his soaking wet socks into his old and worn out ill-fitting shoes. "I... I'll be fine, Aunt Heather." he sniffed.

Seeing for herself just how traumatized he was, but wanting to teach him to be a man as Erica had asked in her last letter, Heather stood and cleared her throat. "Very well. We were just about to sit down to dinner. I normally insist that we dress for dinner. It's our tradition, but seeing as you have nothing else..." She turned to her butler. "Fredrick, please take him upstairs, draw him a bath, and deliver his clothes to Franchesca for laundering as quickly as possible. Dinner will have to be postponed until he can join us."

"Yes, Madame." he said in his deep monotone. Taking Eric by the hand, he walked her nephew around the railing and up the stairs.

Eric finally started taking in how truly huge his aunt's house was. The entryway emptied out into a large living room with a high ceiling. On the right wall were the expansive front windows he'd seen from the outside. The opposite wall had a spacious archway into another room with a gaping fireplace beyond it. The room was decorated with an openness to it, all with very fine antiques.

Following the huge man up the stairs, he noticed the walls decorated with old oil paintings of people who must have lived long ago. Planters, figurines, and vases filled almost every corner and crevice of what he'd seen of the house so far. Thinking it should smell musty and old, he was surprised that instead it smelled clean and fresh, as though the house had been built only yesterday. Reaching the second landing, he turned to the right, following Fredrick up six more steps, and out into a hallway off to his right. Just as he came around the corner and into the hall, he came face-to-face with a girl.

Drawing in a breath of surprise, Eric nearly shrieked. The girl who stood before him was a miniature version of his aunt Heather. Soft, long, blonde curls fell around her neck and shoulders while vibrant blue eyes stared widely back at him, looking him up and down. Her face was a creamy complexion with a cute nose above pink lips that sat agape.

Mirroring the up and down look the girl gave him, he saw what his aunt had meant when she said they 'dressed' for dinner. The girl wore a pretty pink and white dress that came down just past her knees, the kind he'd only ever seen in windows of high-quality dress shops when he was out with his mother. White stockings adorned her thin legs and pink patent leather sandals covered her tiny feet.

She recovered more quickly than he did, smiling at him gaily. "You must be Eric! I'm Faith!" Her face growing confused, she added, "Mamma told us you weren't going to be here until after Halloween."

Recovering the use of his tongue, Eric slowly shook his soaking wet and muddy head. "Um... n-nice to meet you Faith. I'm Eric..." he blushed. "...but... you know that. S-sorry." He fidgeted as his torn and soaked jacket dripped onto the pristine marble floor, the scent of rain and mud filling the hall. "So... do you always get dressed up like that? Just for dinner?"

Nodding, her smile seemed almost infectious were it not for the crushing weight of loneliness in his soul. "Uh-huh! Do you like my dress?" Faith spun around and began circling him, looking at his clothes. "Is that where you're going? To get cleaned up and dressed for dinner?"

He shrugged absently. "I guess. I don't have any nice clothes or nuthin' like yours, though." He felt like he should make a joke about that, but instead he just apathetically stood there... too hurt and scared to care.

Faith turned to Fredrick. "What'll he wear to dinner, Freddie?" she asked him innocently.

"It appears the only option is what he has on now, Miss Faith." the muscular butler answered. Turning to Eric, he urged him on as he then turned down the hallway. "This way, young Master Eric."

"It's very nice meeting you, Eric!" Faith sang as she danced around behind him toward the stairway. "I hope you'll like it here!"

His eyes were fixed on her as she walked away, slowly following the butler blindly, Faith still smiling at him as he watched her until she disappeared down the stairs. At last turning his head in the direction he'd been walking he saw Fredrick open a door on the left side of the hallway. Following the man into the room, Eric stopped at the doorway, too stunned to move.

The room before him was easily three times larger than his old room and beautifully decorated. Cream silk and white lace curtains adorned the two windows in the far wall and lush carpet the color of beach sand covered the floor. A matched set of antique stained oak furniture decorated the room, and creamy floral wallpaper brightened every wall, reflecting the light from the crystal chandelier in the middle of the ceiling. It was breathtaking.

Turning, Fredrick saw the boy stopped in the doorway. Doubling back, he took the child's hand, leading him between the vanity and dresser that sat along the hallway wall to their left and the four-poster bed on their right. The headboard of the bed was finely carved with vines and roses, and silk pillows decorated it flawlessly along with a comforter that matched the color of the carpet. The blanket was so thick and fluffy that it alone seemed to add six inches to the height of the bed.

"This is to be your room, Master Eric." Fredrick said flatly. "And this is your private bath." He led Eric through a doorway situated between the dresser along the hallway wall and the giant bed.

The bathroom light came on with a loud snap, Eric squinting into the room cautiously as though he might have been intruding. Looking ahead of him, he could see white wooden shelves built into the far wall with more on the wall to the left; to the right sat an old but pristine white porcelain pedestal sink. Above it hung a huge ornate wall mirror with a fine stained oak frame and gold piping that ran round the edges. Passing it as he entered, he caught his reflection and turned away at the sight, his dirty-blonde hair, muddy and unkempt, hanging down past his shoulders in a tangled mess.

Opposite the sink he saw more wooden shelves hanging from the wall, each filled with towels, washcloths, and other linens the same beach-sand color as the carpet in the bedroom. The marble tiles in the floor each had an intricate swirl of gray, brown, and dirty orange that seemed to have been matched to the rest of the decor.

Stopping, he watched Fredrick approach the white porcelain clawfoot tub that occupied the entire far end of the bathroom. Nearly six feet long and half as wide, a curtain of white wispy material surrounded it that almost seemed to float in the air with the slightest breeze. Between the tub and sink, along the wall to his right, he saw an old style toilet with the tank several feet above the bowl and a chain hanging down. A finely carved marble handle at the end of the chain matched the marbled pattern on the floor.

Warming the water, Fredrick pulled the curtain and rotated another handle, sending the water up a golden pipe and out the white porcelain showerhead.

"Madame Hargrave called for a bath, however given the late hour, I believe a shower would be more prudent." He stood and looked at Eric. "Remove your clothes and place them in the basket there." he indicated a rectangular white wicker laundry basket sitting opposite the toilet. Removing a large cream-colored towel from the shelves, he hung it from the ornate gold rod that resided on the wall between the toilet and the tub.

Moving aside as Fredrick silently exited the room, closing the door behind him, Eric stripped down and dropped his wet and dirty clothes into the hamper. In doing so he saw that the cab driver had torn the sleeves from the shoulders of his threadbare shirt. The pants were iffy at best, with wide holes in the knees, a tear in the seat, and legs far too short for his size, while the shoes that he'd left in the entryway were likewise falling apart. It left him one set each of socks and underwear, the former with holes in the toes and the latter tight fitting. He'd grown several inches in the last six months, but the Stones had refused to pay for any new clothes for him.

Entering the shower, he stood in the warm water and relaxed a moment as the grime of travel began to wash away. Looking around, he saw a small golden shelf on the wall near the faucet that contained a bar of soap, a bottle of shampoo, body wash, and a safety razor.

Picking up the shampoo absently, he washed his bedraggled 'beach bum' hair, as April had always called it. He'd meant to get a haircut before leaving Newport Beach, liking his longer style but wanting it better kept, however the Stones had wanted him out and gone as soon as possible, barely leaving time to pack, let alone see to a haircut.

Idly wondering what city his luggage had wandered off to, he noticed a feminine scent began filling the room. Thinking that his aunt Heather had come into the room, after checking to see he was alone, he brought a hand down to sniff the lather coating it and his hair. Looking again at the toiletries, only then realizing that they were all for an adult woman, not a young boy.

Sighing apathetically, he heard the door open and watched through the gauzy curtain and plastic liner surrounding him as an eclipsing shadow entered, retrieved his clothing remnants from the basket, and exited. Rinsing out his hair, he sniffed it and confirmed his suspicions. His hair no longer stank of mud and sweat, but rather the girly perfumed scent of lilac and roses.

Unfazed, he next examined the body wash and saw it was something called Japanese Cherry Blossom. Not knowing what that was, he set it aside and sniffed the bar of soap and was overpowered with a strong floral scent. Knowing he had to get clean with something, he used the soap and turned off the water once he was clean and rinsed.

Reaching out and pulling in the soft towel, he wrapped it around his shoulders and stood in the tub for several minutes until he began shivering. The lights flickered twice as he stood in the damp tub, the sound of the storm outside that had mildly abated on his arrival seemed to regain its strength with every passing minute.

Slowly making his way out, he dried himself, becoming very aware that he was now all alone, in a strange place thousands of miles from everyone he had ever known, and had nothing but a borrowed towel. He missed April terribly, and had been missing his mother so much that he thought he might die of heartache. He also found himself missing all his girl friends from school, and even missed his teachers and April's grouchy parents. Most especially at the moment though, he missed his luggage.

Once dry, he slowly walked back into the bedroom with the towel wrapped around his chest, taking a seat on a small chair. He sighed and looked at the room again. It was then that he noticed that the room had a distinctively feminine style, and even the chair he sat in was for the lady's vanity he sat next to. Sadly, he shook his head. "I'm in a girl's room." he said absently. Thinking that he felt he should be angrier about it than he was, he lacked even the desire to be mad about it.

"I'm sorry, but this is the only available room to give you." Heather said from the doorway, a slight bit of irritation evident in her voice. "As I said, we weren't expecting you until next week. We thought we had more time."

"Oh!" Eric exclaimed, startled at her sudden presence. "I um... I wasn't... just... uh..." He hung his head in shame at seeming to complain about the lavish room she'd given him. "I'm sorry, Aunt Heather."

Entering the room, she sighed wearily. "Always be mindful of what you say, sweetie. You never know who may be listening."

"I know." he shrugged. "I wasn't really complaining about the room. It was more just like, a comment. It's really nice. Beautiful, really! I just feel like my entire life is one big disaster. I mean, what else can go wrong?"

Almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth, all the lights went out.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

Gasping as the room was plunged into darkness, a crack of thunder rolling over the house several seconds later, Eric thought he heard someone squeal in fear. After it passed, he found himself wrapped in his aunt Heather's arms and he could finally hear the sobs of fright escaping his own lips.

"It's alright, sweetie!" she soothed the terrified child. "I've got you! You're alright!"

Petting his head to soothe him, she noticed the sweet floral scent of women's shampoo drifting through the room. Leaning forward, she was mortified to learn that her suspicions were correct. "Oh, sweetie!" she exclaimed. "I think I understand why you were upset before. You had to use the lady's shampoo and soap that was in the shower, didn't you?" Feeling the orphan boy just shrug in apathy, she sighed. "We really weren't prepared for you! First thing tomorrow, I promise we'll drive down to Berlin and buy you all new clothes to wear and all the other things you'll need like shampoo. How does that sound?"

"You might have to do it without me." Eric answered as he slowly pulled away from his aunt. "I was looking at my shirt and pants when I took them off and they got torn pretty good, so I don't think I'll have any clothes 'till then." He looked up at her. "What'll I do?"

"I've had my maid Franchesca focus exclusively on getting your clothes repaired, cleaned, and..." She stopped when she had a horrible thought. Just as she was about to say something, a light moved out in the hallway. Turning to look, she watched as Fredrick brought in two oil lamps.

"Pardon the interruption, Madame, but I thought you could use this." he said as he handed her one of them. "I have called the power company. There is an extensive blackout over the area that is not expected to be resolved anytime soon. Shall I turn the gas system on, Madame?"

"Thank you, Fredrick," she smiled at him as she took the lamp. "I would appreciate it if you could see to it as soon as possible."

"Franchesca also wanted me to deliver a message, Madame." he said bowing to her slightly. "I delivered a lamp to her and Cook, as well as one to Miss Faith. Franchesca said to tell you that with the power out she would not be able to launder or dry young Master Eric's clothes and that the shirt and pants will have to be repaired, if they can be at all. The damage is extensive. Even if they can be, she advised that air drying in this weather could take days, Madame."

"Thank you, I just realized that myself." she admitted. Looking down at Eric, she noticed his eyes were vacant and hollow, not even seeming to care and hardly even noting he had nothing to wear and wouldn't until at least the next day. "Fredrick, please bring me the smallest things you have to wear. I don't care what they are, but he needs something!"

The butler arched an eyebrow. "Madame, I will do as you request, but I'm afraid it will do little good. He is much too small for anything I have. I will return shortly." At that he turned and left, walking quickly down the hallway toward his own room. Less than a minute later he returned once more with a pair of workout shorts, underwear, and a T-shirt. "As Madame requested."

"Thank you, Fredrick!" she smiled. "At least this way he'll have more than a towel." Handing them to her young charge, she helped him to stand again. "Take these into the bath and put them on, sweetie."

A glimmer of hope fought its way through his despair as he smiled weakly. "Thank you, Aunt Heather." he mumbled. Following her into the bathroom, his aunt placed one of the lamps on a shelf next to the door and left to let him dress. He quickly determined the futility of trying to get the shorts or underwear to stay up, carrying them and the lamp back out into the bedroom wearing only the T-shirt that hung off one shoulder, leaving it bare.

"Aunt Heather?" he almost cried as he handed the bottoms to her. "I... I couldn't get these to stay. They're way too big." He pulled up the baggy T-shirt at his neck with one hand to try and keep it over both shoulders. It was thankfully so big he could manage to wear it as an oversized nightshirt, but unfortunately it only came down to the middle of his thighs.

Heather sighed in frustration. Handing the unusable clothes back to her employee, she nodded. "Thank you for the effort, Fredrick. That will be all for the moment. Please see to the lights." Watching the giant man walk silently back out into the hall, she looked at Eric once again. "It's hardly better than the towel, is it?" she asked rhetorically.

Looking at the floor, he just shrugged. "Not really. It won't stay up unless I hold it." His head came up as he heard the sound of clicking approaching the door to his room, a light accompanying it.

"Mamma?" Faith asked tentatively as she stepped into the room carrying another lamp. "I'm getting pretty hungry. Can we eat soon?"

"Soon." her mother replied simply.

"Is Freddie going to light the lights again?" she asked with a smile.

"Yes, dear." Heather replied. Seeing the confusion on Eric's face, she explained. "Fredrick is turning on the gas for the old gaslight system that your uncle Richard restored after we bought this house. See, back when this house was built, electricity was new and most houses had lights that ran on gas, which is what people used before electric lights."

Remembering with a smile she added, "Richard wanted it for the practical benefit of having a source of light in power outages, but mostly for the pleasure of having a truly historical home that could stand as a testament to old world ingenuity and ideas of beauty." She looked back to Eric ruefully. "But enough of that. We need to get you dressed in something." she sighed, lightning flashing through the windows. "I would give you something of your uncle Richard's, but I gave those away years ago."

"What's the matter, Mamma?" Faith asked as thunder rolled over the building once more.. "Doesn't Eric have anything to wear?"

"Just one of Fredrick's T-shirts, dear." her mother answered. "His clothes are all damaged or missing, and I don't know what else to do."

Looking at Eric carefully, Faith saw he was just about her size. "He could wear something of mine, Mamma. I wouldn't mind sharing for tonight."

Heather looked up at her daughter and smiled sweetly. "Faith, that's very generous of you, but it wouldn't be appropriate. I'm not about to force him into a girl's dress." Mumbling to herself she added, "Jack would never forgive me!" She looked over at her departed friend's child who stood there apathetically, not seeming to even notice they were talking about him.

"Maybe you don't have to force him, Mamma." Faith opined. "Maybe he wouldn't care!" Looking at Eric she asked bluntly, "Would you like to borrow one of my dresses? Just to have something to wear for tonight? I think you would look nice as a girl!"

He stood numbly, almost unaware of the question. "Huh? Oh." He looked up at his aunt. "I... I don't think Aunt Heather thinks it's a good idea." He blushed heavily as he realized how little he had on and was suddenly grateful that the room was so dark.

Seeing him grip the T-shirt neck even tighter with his one hand and tug at the side with his other to try and make it longer, Heather put her hand to her brow and bit her lip. There was no way she was going to ever suggest putting Jack and Erica's son in a dress, even considering the situation, but she was running out of ideas. He can't stay up here all night! she reasoned.

Faith refused to accept the situation as hopeless. "Mamma! He's got to wear something, right? Besides, Freddie's T-shirt is basically a dress! It's even shorter than any of my dresses! What else can he do?"

"I don't know, Faith dear, but boys just don't wear dresses and that's that." she answered, almost snapping at her. "It's not appropriate. Do you know what would happen if it got out that I had dressed young Eric in girls' clothes? I'd simply die of embarrassment!"

Hearing her say she would die put Eric over the edge. He began to silently cry, tears falling down his cheeks, unable to stop them. He tried to pretend it wasn't happening and didn't even try to wipe them away in fear of calling attention to it while his aunt and cousin debated. He hoped that the darkness of the room would hide it, but his hopes were in vain.

Pausing in her argument, Faith looked at him. "Mamma! He's crying!" she said sympathetically.

Heather turned and saw his noiseless tears, misunderstanding the reason. Moving to her knees and taking him in her arms once more, she tried to comfort him. "Eric, I swear to you, I will not make you wear a dress! I promise, sweetie!" Looking over at her daughter, she shot her a stern look. "Faith! Don't you see how upset it makes him just to mention it?"

Shaking his head and trying to form words, the thought of seeing his last living relation die, just like everyone else in his life had... his father, his grandparents, and then his mother... couldn't be pushed from his mind. Death seemed to surround him and follow him like a gleeful tormenter, threatening to leave him utterly alone. "Everybody I know dies." he cried. "I'm gonna be all alone!"

Pulling away to regard him in surprise, Heather realized too late that she'd incorrectly assumed the cause of his distress and quickly hugged him again. "Oh, sweetie! I didn't mean that! It's just a figure of speech! I wouldn't really die from that! Even so, you'll never be alone! You'd still have Faith!"

Eric took his turn to cleverly misunderstand and got angry. "I don't!" he shouted, pulling away from her as lightning flashed through the rain-soaked window. "I hate God! He took away everyone from me! He left me alone! I'll never believe in Him ever again!" Overcome, he began to sob openly and ran to his aunt's arms as the thunder rolled by, the T-shirt falling off one shoulder again as he released it to hold her.

"No, sweetie!" she tried to comfort him, noticing that her daughter was starting to tear up as well. "I didn't mean it that way! I meant that you would have your cousin Faith!" She rocked him gently as Faith came up and held Heather across her back. "Besides, you shouldn't say that. God loves us, sweetheart!"

His tears beginning to abate, Eric slowly pulled away from her. "Th-then... w-why...." Unable to continue, he resumed crying as she pulled him back into her arms and held him once more.

Waiting until his tears slowed again, she asked his question for him. "Why does God let bad things happen to us? Oh, sweetie! That's a big question!" Smiling, she realized she might have an answer for him. "You know, your daddy Jack used to have an answer for that. He used to say, 'All the things that happen to us, good and bad, are what make us who we are. They need to happen or we would end up being someone else.'"

"I don't know if he was right, but what I do know is this. The bad things that happen, like people dying? That's not God's fault, sweetie. That's people's fault. Either because someone did something bad... like what happened to your father and your uncle Richard... or they didn't do something good that they should have... like not helping someone in need. God wants us to love each other and take care of one another. It's people that let bad things happen. He has to let people make their own decisions and live with the consequences. He can't make us love each other. Do you understand, sweetie?"

He listened and he understood what she was trying to say, but his pain wouldn't let him accept the answer. Not wanting to upset his aunt again though, he forced himself to stop crying and nod. "Sort of, I guess." he lied.

Knowing he wasn't convinced, she pressed the point. "Your mommy knew she was dying. Didn't she tell you she was going to go be with your daddy?"

Shrugging, he stifled another sob before nodding grudgingly.

"I know what it's like to lose your parents." Heather shared. "I lost mine when I was in college, shortly before I met your uncle. So I do understand, at least a little."

He sniffed and looked at his beautiful aunt's face smiling while talking about her own parents' deaths. "Don't you miss 'em?" he asked.

Smiling wistfully, Heather closed her eyes. "Of course, sweetie, but I know they're here with me, now and always. When I close my eyes and think about them, I can feel them with me." After a moment, she looked at him. "Close your eyes and remember your mother with the best memory you have of her!" When she saw him close his eyes, she continued. "Now see her in your mind, and feel her in your heart, and tell me what you see."

Eric smiled faintly. "I remember our last trip to the beach this Easter. April went with us. She's my best friend. We had so much fun! We collected shells, splashed in the ocean, made sand sculptures, and watched the sun set on the ocean." By the time he finished, he had stopped crying and his aunt was wiping away his tears.

"There! Feeling better, sweetie?" Heather asked.

Nodding, Eric wiped his eyes with his forearm. "Yeah. I just get really sad about it sometimes. I miss her so much!" Hearing his stomach growl, he fixed the T-shirt and gripped it again with a hand. Holding his stomach with the other, he looked up at her. "Aunt Heather? Can we go eat?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

Having a degree in psychology and being a licensed therapist, Heather could tell he was deflecting, but felt he probably needed to let the matter drop for now. "Well, you still have a problem."

"Oh yeah." he grumbled. "Clothes." Not wanting to leave the darkness of the room in only a T-shirt that barely covered him, Eric chose hunger over potential humiliation. He shrugged, glanced at Faith for a moment, and blushed. "That's OK. I can just go to bed. I can eat tomorrow when I have something to wear. I'm not really that hungry." he said as another stomach growl gave the truth to his lie. In reality, he hadn't eaten anything all day except a bag of peanuts on the plane.

Heather turned to her daughter. "Dear, would you please wait outside for a minute? I need to talk to Eric alone."

"Why?" she asked innocently.

"Faith." she answered impatiently. "Just wait in the hall with your lamp and close the door." Seeing her daughter close the door behind her, she turned to Eric. "Sit down, sweetie."

Eric shook his head. "I'd rather stand, Aunt Heather." he said meekly.

Seeing him tug on the T-shirt again, it was Heather's turn to blush slightly. "It hadn't occurred to me that if you sit down..."

He nodded shyly as he pulled on the T-shirt again, wishing he could make it stretch to his feet.

"Well, I would get you a robe to wear, but I don't believe Fredrick has one. Even if he did, it would be far too big." she thought out loud, hoping that the process might spark an idea she'd missed. "Any others I could give you would be one of Faith's or mine. At least a girl's robe isn't too inappropriate, given the circumstances. Alternatively I could just let you eat dinner up here and make sure you were left alone so no one would be around for you to get embarrassed. What do you think?"

Shrugging absently, he sniffed and held back tears. "I guess I should just eat up here alone. I... I guess I just need to get used to being alone."

Moving down to him and hugging him once more, her heart was breaking for him. "Oh, sweetie! You know I don't like it any more than you do! I... I just don't see any other options. I'll leave it up to you. What would you rather do?"

He thought about what it would be like eating in his room alone in the dark and almost started crying again. "I don't want to be alone!"

Rocking him gently, Heather petted his head and held him. "No, sweetheart! You'll never be alone again, if I can help it!" Letting go of him while still holding his shoulders, she smiled at him. "I'll tell you what. I'll get you something that can get you through dinner and bed, then in the morning we'll have Fredrick run into town and buy you enough things that we can take a trip down to Berlin to buy you all new clothes! I promise, no one will laugh or treat you mean... and you won't be alone. OK?"

Too numb with grief and despair to care, Eric nodded absently and trudged alongside his aunt toward the bedroom door. As it opened he saw his cousin Faith standing in a brightly illuminated hallway with a concerned look on her face.

"Did... did the power come back on?" Eric asked hopefully as his aunt blew out her lamp and set it next to Faith's on a small table along the hallway wall.

"No!" Faith laughed happily. "Freddie just turned on the gaslights! Aren't they pretty?"

"Why don't we go into Faith's room for something to cover up with?" the girl's mother suggested, noting that Eric had momentarily forgotten how exposed he was, even moreso in the bright light of the hallway.

Faith's eyes widened as she smiled. "Really?" She turned across the hall to her bedroom door and flung it open, racing in and to the right.

"Faith!" Heather shouted. "Wait just a minute!" She started towards Faith's room, already lit with its own gaslights, but stopped herself as she didn't want to leave Eric alone. "Come on, sweetie. Don't worry. I'll explain it to her." She held out her hand to him.

Taking her hand with his free one, the other still clutching the T-shirt's collar, he let her lead him into Faith's bedroom. Entering, he saw the room was similar to the one his aunt had given him, almost a mirror image, but decorated differently. The walls were a pale lavender with gray carpet, and the bed, a pink and white painted iron canopy instead of an oak poster bed, was on the adjacent wall to his left, the wall to the right instead occupied by two white painted wardrobes and an ornate dresser. There was a cluttered white vanity to his left that sat in the corner against the hallway wall alongside the bed and an ornate white nightstand and lamp between them with its twin on the opposite side.

He looked around further and counted three toy boxes, a My Little Pony changing screen, a dollhouse, and a small pink bookshelf, all scattered evenly and neatly around the room. There also appeared to be a doorway through the wall on the right between the dresser and the bookshelf that looked to be entry to another bathroom. Two large windows with lacy white curtains spotted with tiny red hearts were on the opposite wall. As they entered, his cousin had already opened one of the two wardrobes and was pulling out a pink and white satin dress that greatly resembled the one she wore. Turning to suggest it to her mother, Heather shook her head and stopped her suggestion before it even left her lips.

"Faith!" she said trying to keep her temper as she closed the bedroom door. "I did not say he was going to wear a dress, now did I?"

Once the door was closed, the room seemed even brighter than the hallway. He felt a sudden welling up of fear that made him want to run back to the darkness of his new room and hide, but he was even more afraid to be alone than of being exposed. In some ways the room reminded him of the room April had back in California, only bigger. His aunt's raised voice reminded him of the last time he'd seen his best friend.

April hugged Eric for the third time since they had entered the terminal. Red tear streaks marred her pretty young face as she kept having to push her long black hair out of her damp eyes knowing that her best friend was moving so far away, likely never to see him again. They’d been best friends since before either of them could remember; a permanent fixture in each of their lives. People almost never saw one without the other.

"It's just not fair, Eric!" she sobbed quietly in his ear as they hugged goodbye for the last time. "What am I going to do without you?"

Eric returned her hug tightly, never wanting to let go. April was the last constant in his young life marred by so much loss and change. Trying not to cry for April's sake, he steeled himself against the onslaught of sadness and the final loss that would end his life as he'd always known it. "It’ll be OK, April." he lied. "We have each other's e-mail and we can stay in touch that way. It won't be so bad. And you have lots of friends, still."

She sobbed quietly for a moment before replying, "But they aren't you, Eric!" Suddenly overcome with emotion, April pulled back slightly. Knowing how much she loved Eric, and only just recently beginning to realize she had feelings of more than friendship for him, she was overcome with the desire to give him his, and her, first real kiss. Just as she started to lean forward to kiss him, her mother pulled her away.

"Come on now, April. He needs to go and so do we!" she chided. "You've said your good-byes three times already!" Pulling on her daughter's arm, April went into hysterics.

"No! Mom! Just one more thing! No! Mom! Not yet! Eric!" April began to sob as she felt her fingertips leave Eric's outstretched hand.

Seeing April's mother pull her away crushed Eric's already breaking heart to dust. He wanted to run back into her arms and just let her hold him forever, but the look on her mother's face said very plainly, 'Don't!' Numbness suffused his being as April cried for him while all he could do was stand there.

Mr. Stone nodded forward. "Go on, boy. Your family's waiting for you. Good luck to you." Turning to his wife he muttered, "Get that girl under control and let's go home. I'm tired."

April's mother dragged her daughter by the arm and threatened her. "April! Stop embarrassing us or you'll regret it when we get home!"

Eric watched as his best friend was carted away, sobbing his name, as he turned towards the social worker there to see him boarded and safely on his way to his aunt.

"Eric?" Faith asked, the debate with her mother temporarily suspended as they noticed him silently crying once more for seemingly no reason.

"S-sorry." he said, wiping the tears away once more with his free hand as his voice remained even and unshaken, despite the tears. "I... I was just thinking about my best friend April and really missing her."

Handing him a tissue, Heather turned to Faith. "Now dear, let me explain. Eric doesn't want to play 'dress up'. He just needs something that will cover him while we eat. Please put the dress away." Seeing her daughter reluctantly obey, she turned to him. "Alright, sweetie. If you go in the bathroom there, you'll find a robe hanging on the back of the door. Go ahead and put it on and come back out when you're ready. I'll get you something for your feet so you won't get cold."

Nodding vacantly, his memories still threatening to drag him back down into the misery of pain and loneliness, he shuffled into the bathroom and closed the door as lightning flashed outside, another gaslight to the left of the door illuminating the room while the peal of thunder faded slowly away. Looking at the back of the door, he saw the robe and removed it from its hook.

It was white satin with a feminine floral pattern embroidered into it and puffy pink marabou cuffs, hem, and collar. Wrapping it around himself, he tied the knot as his cheeks burned with embarrassment knowing he was going to have to go out wearing it. Sighing in apathy, not even caring if they laughed at him, he opened the door and shambled back out again.

Seeing him wearing Faith's robe almost made Heather tell him to take it off and just make him go downstairs in the T-shirt, but she couldn't force him through the kind of humiliation he would endure if he exposed himself accidentally. Given the short length of the borrowed shirt, that eventuality was highly likely. His trauma was too fresh and too raw to force him into a potentially embarrassing situation, and his emotions were too fragile to leave him to eat alone. Sighing in acceptance, she bade him sit on Faith's bed as she slipped the matching slippers on his feet.

Eric tried to keep his legs together, but doing so prevented his aunt from putting on the slippers. "Sweetie, I need you to relax your leg for a moment so we can be done and go eat, OK?"

"Um... Aunt Heather?" he asked. "Could I at least wear my underwear? Even if they're wet?"

"I'm afraid they're more than just wet, Eric." she answered, finally getting one slipper on. "They would have been in the washing machine, so completely soaked, and full of soap. Even if we tried drying them over a fire, it would take hours before you could wear them. Are you that uncomfortable, sweetie?"

"Kinda, yeah." he admitted. "I'd wear them even soapy and dripping at this point, but I guess I'll just have to learn to do without." he finished with a defeated tone.

Faith intervened again. "Mamma, why don't you just let him wear a pair of mine? I mean, nobody will even see them!"

Heather closed her eyes and tried to control her reaction. She had a viscerally negative view of the idea, but Faith had made a valid point. No one would see them or even be able to tell they were there. The only legitimate reason to deny it would be if he didn't want to wear them. In the end, she turned to Eric. "Alright. Faith makes a valid point, but the choice must be yours." Coming up with an idea, she smiled at him as she headed for the bathroom. "Come with me, Eric."

Stopping at Faith's dresser as he followed her, she retrieved a pair of the plainest white underwear she could find and placed them on the bathroom counter. "You stay in here for two minutes then come out. Nobody will look to see if you put them on or not and the choice will then be completely yours. If you chose not to wear them, simply drop them in the hamper. Only you will know what your choice was."

Taking a breath, Heather continued. "If you wear them because it makes you more comfortable than nothing, you needn't feel any embarrassment over it because we won't know. If you don't wear them, you don't need to be embarrassed about not wearing underwear because we won't know that either. OK?" Seeing him shrug, she sighed and closed the door behind her.

Eric looked at the underwear as though they might jump off the counter and attack him. He didn't want to wear them, not even sure why he didn't, but not wearing anything was beginning to be unbearably uncomfortable. Using a variation of his aunt's idea, he closed his eyes and picked them up, putting them on by feel alone. He figured that if he didn't know what they looked like, he could pretend they were just another normal pair of briefs.

Once he was putting them on however, he quickly figured out that his idea was just wishful thinking. He could feel the lace around the waistband and leg holes and while he didn't know what it was made of, the material was defiantly not cotton.

Determining that it didn't matter anyway, he opened his eyes and pulled them on, standing in the T-shirt, robe, slippers, and undies until his aunt knocked on the door. "Coming." he said flatly. Exiting the bathroom, he at least felt more comfortably secure, but weird at the same time as every step made him know he was wearing girl's undies. The feminine robe and slippers didn't help matters.

When his aunt looked him over with his long and damp dirty-blonde hair combed back, it was all too easy for her to see him as a young girl, but she repressed the feeling. "I told you I would make it as easy as I could." Smiling reassuringly, she could tell by the way that his walk had changed what his choice had been. She didn't let her knowledge show, vowing to herself and his father Jack that she would make it up to him.

"It's fine, Aunt Heather." he mumbled "At least this is warmer than just the T-shirt."

She admonished Faith before they started toward the door. "Now Faith, you must remember we are to help young Eric feel comfortable in the necessity of the moment, not like he's a plaything for your amusement." Faith damped her excitement somewhat, but couldn't help but smile gaily. While she wasn't as sure as her mother was, she was fairly sure what he had chosen, and knowing made her happy. I was right!

Smiling weakly back at her, his every step was a ticklish reminder of his situation. While he'd never been a 'rough and tumble' boy and had always preferred the company of April, his mother, or the other girls at school to that of the boys, he couldn't shake the butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling that plagued him. Even knowing it was his aunt and Faith's idea, he had the idea that wearing girl's things was going to get him in trouble somehow. At the moment though, anything was preferable to the alternatives... hunger or the horrible loneliness that threatened to consume him.

"OK then. Shall we go eat?" Heather suggested.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

The three exited out into the hallway after Heather turned down the lights in Faith's bed and bath, showing Eric how to do it with a long stick made for that purpose for people not tall enough to reach them.

Near the stairway at the end of the hall the three saw Fredrick adjusting one of the wall-mounted gas lamps. Turning and seeing Eric wearing one of Faith's robes and her slippers, the huge man nearly broke the light's mantle. Composing himself, he calmly finished with the light, adjusted the flow, and replaced the chimney. Turning with his usual grace and dignity, he bowed slightly as the three approached him.

"Is Madame ready for dinner?"

Nodding she replied, "Yes, Fredrick. Please be so good as to advise Cook to serve at her convenience? Thank you." While Fredrick briskly preceded them, the three slowly started down the stairs.

His aunt and cousin descended fluidly, each holding the hem of their skirt to avoid tripping, and before he realized he needed to do something similar, he noticed he'd already been mimicking them with the robe he wore without even thinking.

"I hope you'll come to love Hargrave House, sweetie." Heather said as they came down the stairs. "The house itself is almost one hundred twenty years old. Back then, wealthy people were just starting to install electric lights in their houses. Some, like the people that built this house, had both electric and gas lights installed."

Reaching the lower landing and turning right, the three went down the few remaining steps into the entryway as Heather finished talking about the house. Turning left and entering the huge living room, Eric saw that a fire burned warmly in the fireplace set into the far left wall, illuminating the matching white couch, loveseats, and chair arranged in a semi-circle in the far right corner with an antique coffee table in the middle of them. A large ornate rug covered the highly polished hardwood floor of the closer half of the living room, while various shelves and cabinets filled with mementos and heirlooms decorated the walls.

Passing the grandfather clock that sat in a nook around the corner from the lower landing of the stairs, it's slow and even ticking echoing around the silent room, Fredrick emerged from the archway along the left wall. As the butler escorted them into the dining room, Eric looked at the enormous table that occupied it. Eight antique chairs surrounded it, but it could easily accommodate twice as many.

Gaslights lit the room from around the walls while an elaborate electric crystal chandelier hung over the table; the crystals in it refracting the glow of light from around the room making it sparkle even without electricity. A large window took up most of the far wall, beautiful white satin and lace curtains providing privacy, while a white swinging door could be seen in the right-hand wall near the archway.

Hearing the sound of a chair scrape across the polished dark wood flooring as Fredrick seated his aunt at the head of the table, he saw Faith standing next to the left side middle chair as though waiting for something. Moving to sit in the chair between Faith and his aunt, he stopped when Heather cleared her throat. "Yes, Aunt Heather?" he asked.

"A gentleman always seats a lady before taking one himself, sweetie." she answered. "You should also rise anytime a lady enters or leaves the room or when a guest enters or leaves."

"Oh." he replied shyly. "I... I didn't know that." Turning toward Faith, he clumsily pulled out her chair. She sat gracefully as he pushed it in, helping him push it the rest of the way. Then taking his seat with Fredrick's help, he looked over at his aunt. "Did I do that right?" he asked hesitantly.

"It was fine." Heather noted with a sad smile, remembering a similar incident with Eric's father Jack. Meanwhile, Cook brought out their meal of petite sirloin, garlic potatoes, and steamed vegetables.

Eric watched the older woman as she served his aunt first and then Faith. Her short gray hair sat in tight curls and framed her plump face; the gray nearly matching the color of the dress she wore, with a simple white apron tied around her ample waist. Returning to the kitchen she brought out his plate last, smiling at him with compassionate eyes that seemed to understand his fear and loneliness with just a look. Without a word, she returned to the kitchen as Fredrick stood by impassively. Picking up his fork to start eating, having finally remembered that he was hungry, he again heard his aunt clear her throat. Looking over at her he asked, "Yes, Aunt Heather?"

"In this house, we say a prayer of thanks before eating." she explained. "We would have nothing to eat, were it not for His gifts."

Watching her bow and clasp her hands in prayer, then turning to see Faith had done the same, he begrudgingly did likewise.

"Dear Lord, thank you for the blessings you have seen fit to bestow upon us, and make us truly thankful for them. In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, Amen." she intoned respectfully.

"Amen." Faith echoed and finally Eric mumbled it as well, the entire time cursing God in his mind. While his family attended church on Easter, and he'd been taught to pray at bedtime, they had never prayed at dinner. He'd thought that was only something they did in old movies.

Heather opened her eyes and looked at her nephew, seeing the faintest hint of anger still visible in his expression as he opened his eyes and looked to her. Sighing and silently praying for his wounded soul, she picked up her fork and began to eat while the howl of wind outside could be heard mutedly through the walls. As Eric began wolfing his food down, she cleared her throat yet again, seeing that she had a lot of work to do to teach him proper manners. "Sweetie, please don't eat so quickly. No one is going to take it from you."

He looked over and watched Faith taking small bites carefully and slowly, smiling as she looked back at him. Slowing down, but taking larger bites than his cousin, he savored the flavor of the beef and managed to finish his plate while Faith had half of hers left. Still hungry, but not sure how to ask for seconds, or if seconds were even allowed, he sat back in his chair as despair once more threatened him.

"Sweetie? Would you like more to eat?" Heather asked after finishing a bite.

"Please?" he said as he sat forward, his face showing the faintest sign of hope. "Can I have another piece of that meat?"

"May you have another..." she corrected him sternly.

"Sorry." he blushed. "May I have another piece of the meat?" Eric saw her nod to Fredrick who disappeared into the kitchen for a moment before returning followed closely by Cook. Taking his empty plate and replacing it with a new plate holding only a petite sirloin, she smiled at him kindly and then hurried back to the kitchen.

Resuming his meal, he finished as the others did; the storm raging outside even more fiercely. The dimmer light of the gas lamps wavered slightly as he took his last drink of milk. Picking up his napkin and wiping his mouth, he turned to his aunt. "Thank you for dinner, Aunt Heather. It was very good." he said reservedly.

She smiled at him politely. "Thank you, Eric. You are most welcome." Just as Fredrick came up behind her chair to pull it back out, Eric remembered her admonitions at the start of dinner and quickly stood up when she did. Seeing the pleased look on his aunt's face made him feel the faintest trace of happiness. Following her as she exited the dining room, he was surprised when Faith came up next to him and took his hand, leading him out and into the living room, shyly smiling at him as they walked.

Heather glided into the living room, the fire warming it against the bitter cold outside, and sat graciously on the loveseat nearest the bay window that faced the fireplace and gestured to the couch that sat against the adjacent wall. Faith made her way there, Eric following in tow to sit next to her.

Turning toward the two, Heather took the moment to explain some things to Eric. "Since you're new sweetie, I should explain our rules and traditions. Breakfast is at seven each morning. When you are not in school, lunch will be at noon. Dinner is served promptly at six. If there is news of importance to share, it will be done after grace and before we eat. Any matters of lesser importance are to be discussed after dinner when we retire here to the living room. If nothing need be discussed, you may feel free to read here or go up to your room to play. Baths will be done and teeth brushed before nine when I will come to tuck you in and kiss you goodnight."

Continuing, Heather's tone turned ever so slightly stern. "I do not tolerate back-talk, interruption, whining, or any form of disrespectful behavior, to include neglecting your responsibilities such that it would require me to nag you." Looking at Eric, her voice softened slightly. "In exchange I will refrain from speaking harshly or yelling. You are both of an age that corporal punishment should no longer be necessary. I expect you to act accordingly."

"When I instruct you to do something, I expect immediate compliance, not a question about why you should have to." she added, glancing at Faith as that was her worst failing. "If, after you have complied, you feel the action requires explanation, I will do so at my convenience, not yours, but I will explain." Thinking for a moment she concluded, "I will permit one infraction of the household rules to allow for the fact that nobody is perfect, but further infractions will be punished. Do you understand why, Eric?"

"Because if you didn't, we'd just keep breaking the rule, which would mean it wasn't really a rule at all. That's what..." His voice trailed off and he sighed. "...that's what Mom used to say."

She smiled, knowing that it was Richard who had come up with the rules when he ran the household while she worked as a therapist. She was happy to see that his sister Erica had done likewise in her own home. "Good! Do you think it's a fair arrangement?" Seeing him nod absently, she shook her head, thinking that she may have to begin therapy sessions with him to help him through his grief and pain. He seemed so disconnected with life that it pained her to know this was her dear friend Jack's son; the man who had taught Richard to really live and laugh. "So, do either of you two have any questions or points you would like to bring up for discussion?"

"Yes, Mamma." Faith said respectfully. "Two questions and a point of discussion, actually."

"Go ahead, dear." her mother permitted.

"First I wanted to ask about school tomorrow. Is there going to be school with the weather this bad?" she nervously looked toward the window.

Shaking her head, Heather explained. "I don't believe so, dear. However, even if they do not cancel school, I'll be excusing you from it tomorrow as Eric's arrival will require you to be available. He'll need someone who can show him how we do things here, and I can think of no better example than you, dear. Your second question?"

"My second question is to ask if Eric could be allowed to sleep in my room with me tonight so he won't be lonely." she inquired. "That gets to the point I wanted to discuss. May we discuss it, Mamma?"

Heather had expected her to ask. Taking a breath, she turned to him. "Well, I know you're troubled to be alone, and I don't blame you, sweetie. You've been through more than many people could bear in such a short time, especially at such a young age. What do you want to do? Would you rather sleep in your own room tonight, or spend your first night here with Faith?"

Shocked she would even ask him, Eric shrugged. "Well, I don't want to be alone, but I can't sleep in the same room as Faith, right?"

"Why do you say that?" Heather asked, settling comfortably into her therapist's habits of answering a question with a question.

He blinked at her in confusion. Thinking that his aunt wanted him to say the obvious out loud to prove he knew it, he cleared his throat. "Because it isn't right for boys and girls to sleep in the same room together. Like, when I used to stay over at April's house sometimes when my mom would be out of town? Before we turned ten I used to sleep in her room. After that, April's parents made me sleep in her older brother's room that he wasn't using anymore since he went off to college."

Arching a brow, she answered honestly. "Well, April's parents were free to set whatever rules they wished in their home. I personally disagree with their opinion regarding age appropriateness, though. I see nothing wrong with young boys and girls sharing a room, even up to your age. You're children, not teenagers... and cousins, besides."

Using the opportunity to work out some of his repressed emotions, she covertly changed directions. "Family is different. If you had been raised here as our child, we would have put you two in the same room together growing up. As for Faith's request, I would leave that up to you since you seem to feel there's an issue." She laid the suggestion out specifically, watching for how he would react to it being his choice and presenting that it was his opinion, not that of April's parents, that he was stating.

He had been expecting she would disallow it due to their age, but since it was left entirely up to him, he bit his lower lip and tried to think. Whenever he tried to imagine sleeping in that big room by himself, so far from all he'd ever known, it left him feeling even more scared and lonely.

"Well, I really don't want to be alone." he pondered out loud. "If it were up to me, I would chose to stay with you or Faith... maybe just for tonight? I really didn't know if it's right or wrong. I was just repeating what April's parents told me, but you seem to think it's OK, so... may I, Aunt Heather?"

She nodded in understanding, happy that he'd asserted a choice of his own, a definite sign of improvement over the apathetic behavior she'd observed thus far. "Very well. You may go up to Faith's room with her. I'll be up in a while to turn down the lights."

Eric gingerly got up and followed his cousin. Seeing her pause to kiss her mother, he stepped up to his aunt and leaned forward to hug her. While she hugged him back, he felt warm and secure; a feeling of genuine affection like when his mother or April would hug him. Kissing her on the cheek as he'd seen Faith do, he stepped back and said, "Thank you for taking care of me, Aunt Heather."

She smiled at him. "Of course, sweetie. You're family! Now scoot on up to Faith's room! I'll be up soon."

Smiling weakly back, he turned to see Faith holding out her hand to him. Once he took it, Faith led them both to the stairs, Eric holding his robe again as he ascended to not trip on it. She led him by the hand all the way to her room. As they went inside, he watched Faith pick up the long metal stick and use it to turn each of the lights up until the lamps on the walls were lit brightly, giving a soft but warm light to the room.

Faith then stepped over to her dresser and removed some things. Closing the drawer and turning towards the bathroom she said, "I'll be out after my bath. You can play with any of my toys if you like! I promise I won't take too long!"

Just after she closed the door, it dawned on Eric that he had no toothbrush; his being lost in an airport somewhere. Wandering around the room aimlessly for a moment, he turned when he heard the bathroom door open.

"Eric?" Faith asked. "Could you help me please?" Going over to the door, he watched her turn away from him, showing him the back of her dress. "Would you unzip my dress for me, please?"

Reaching up, he unzipped the dress, seeing she was wearing another garment underneath it. Overcome with curiosity he asked, "What's that under your dress?"

Faith laughed lightly. "That's my slip, silly! Thank you for the help! I always have a hard time getting the zipper down! I just can't manage to reach that part of my back!" She gently shooed him back into her room and closed the door once more before he could even ask about a toothbrush.

Resuming his wandering, he looked at her dolls, the items on her vanity, and then went to the large toy chest on the opposite side of the room between the windows. He opened it to find several tea sets, more stuffed animals, many Barbie dolls, and a good-sized box marked 'Doll Clothes'. All were very neatly organized as though each one knew their place and had assumed it before he had lifted the lid.

Closing the box, he went to the toy chest at the foot of her bed and saw it contained a collection of board games and other boxed toys. He saw one that caught his interest, pulled it out, and examined it, not sure what it was. What's a Spirograph? he wondered. Figuring out quickly that it was some sort of drawing toy, he took it up on Faith's bed. Lying across the foot of her bed, he determined how it worked and idly started creating many different designs, serving as a distraction from his sorrow and loneliness.

Just as he was really getting into using different color combinations, Faith came out wearing a pale blue nightgown with a towel wrapped around her hair. Seeing her, he was suddenly reminded that he was in a girl's room and wearing girl's panties, robe, and slippers and began to blush. Watching her as she began brushing out her hair, he almost jumped when she noticed what he was playing with.

"Oh! My Spirograph! I love that!" Climbing on her bed to join him, she saw he seemed embarrassed. "What's wrong? I said you could play with my toys! I don't mind that you were using my Spirograph!"

Fidgeting, he blushed even more. "Oh. It's not that. I just..." He was too embarrassed to say the words and really didn't feel like a long conversation about it, but at the same time he was too polite not to answer. Taking a deep breath and closing his eyes, he let it all out. "It's just when I saw you I remembered that I was wearing your robe and slippers and stuff. I got so into drawing that I forgot for a while."

Faith dropped down on her elbows next to him. "I think you look pretty. Don't you like my robe? Doesn't it just make you feel all pretty inside?"

"I guess it's nice." Eric shrugged, running a finger over the satin. "It's really girly though." he pointed out.

Picking up a pencil, she started to draw little pink hearts on a free sheet of paper. "I guess I don't understand. What's wrong with being girly?"

"There isn't anything really wrong with being girly. It's just... Boys are supposed to be different."

She continued to draw as he resumed using the Spirograph, trying once more to distract himself. "Different how?" Faith interrogated.

He started to answer, came up blank, then thought of something. "OK. So my friend April? She likes unicorns. I like horses."

"I like both." Faith smiled wryly.

Sighing, he tried another approach. "OK, she likes playing house and Barbie dolls, I like video games and riding bikes."

She stopped to consider his comparison. After a moment she asked, "Did she ride bikes with you and play video games with you?"

Replying nonchalantly, he said, "Sure."

"Did you play house and Barbies with her?"

He stopped and remembered all the times they'd played house with April as his pretend wife. He used to make up long and elaborate stories about their life and problems and it was a lot of fun. He also remembered the many times they played with her Barbie dolls, again with him usually driving the narrative that established the direction of their play. "Well... yeah."

She jumped on his confession with a mischievous grin. "Was it fun?"

Thinking back, he admitted to himself that April never had to cajole him into playing the games she liked. He liked doing it because it made April happy and he had fun making up stories to go along with it. "Well, when you put it that way, I do have to admit it was fun most of the time, but I..."

Faith didn't give him a chance to rebut. "And did April like playing video games and riding bikes with you?"

Not really seeing what she was getting at, he replied, "Sure. She liked racing through the dirt lots at the end of our street."

"So then I don't get it." she unraveled his argument like an expert in debate. "You say boys like different things from girls, but you liked doing things April liked and she liked doing things you liked. She liked feeling boyish sometimes, and you liked being girly sometimes. So then, what's wrong with feeling pretty? You are pretty!"

Putting down his pencil, he tried to recover his position. "OK, I'll admit that, but I would never play Barbies if April didn't want to."

"Why not? Barbies are lots of fun! You said so yourself!" she grinned.

Dropping his head down on the bed, he sighed out heavily. Answering into the comforter he replied, "I don't know, OK? I just know that if April didn't like Barbies, I probably wouldn't have played with them on my own!"

Faith tapped him on the back of the head. When he raised his head to look at her he saw her smiling. In a matter-of-fact tone she quietly stated, "Now that you know Barbies are fun, why wouldn't you want to play with them?"

Dropping his face back into the comforter, he groaned loudly into the bed. Wanting to think of a good comeback, but now lacking the desire to even fight her on the issue, he raised back up and sighed. "OK. I give. I can't tell you why. I don't have any better reason than it just wouldn't be any fun if April didn't like it."

Going back to drawing she quipped, "Well of course! How could you have fun playing something if the person you're playing with doesn't like it? Duh!"

At that, Eric sat up, grabbed a pillow from the top of Faith's bed, and bonked her with it gently on the top of her head. Smiling and giggling like crazy, she grabbed another pillow, swinging it wildly at him. The two struggled for a better position to get each other, giggling happily, when the door slowly opened without either of them noticing. After a moment of watching the two, Heather cleared her throat.

The two children looked over at the door frozen mid-play in sudden shock. Faith quickly tossed the pillow back to the head of her bed and dismounted, standing silently next to her bedpost. Slowly Eric did the same until the two were standing next to one another.

Entering the room, her white satin nightgown and robe drifting around her, she crossed her arms. "Faith? You know rough play is not allowed after bath time and never in the house."

Hanging her head she admitted, "Yes, Mamma. I'm sorry. I forgot myself."

Looking over at Eric standing shyly in Faith's robe and slippers and looking very ashamed, she simply pursed her lips.

Fidgeting with the robe, he mumbled guiltily, "Please don't be mad at Faith, Aunt Heather. I started it. I'm sorry."

Seeing genuine remorse in his eyes, she uncrossed her arms, shook her head, and laughed lightly. Petting both on the top of their heads, Heather sighed. "Considering your ignorance, and seeing you genuinely happy for a moment, I'll let it pass this time, but please try to remember. This is not your old home. We have our own rules here. Not too many, and none without reason, but I do expect you to keep them. Alright?"

Guiltily, he looked down. "I will, Aunt Heather." Looking back up at her he added, "Aunt Heather? I don't have a toothbrush."

Thinking a moment, she realized she had not thought of that detail. "Well, we can get you one tomorrow, but in the mean time go in the bath and use one of Faith's. You'll find an unopened one in the bottom cabinet next to the sink. Please be quick about it. Faith? Please finish brushing out your hair. It's already well after nine."

Walking quickly into the bathroom as Faith obeyed her mother, he found one of her unopened pink Barbie toothbrushes. Repressing the feeling that using it was somehow bad, he pushed it aside and began brushing his teeth.

It was unnerving seeing his reflection in the ornate bathroom mirror. Faith's pink toothbrush in his mouth and the girly bathrobe he wore, along with his nearly dry long dirty-blonde hair combined with the feminine scent of the shampoo and soap he'd used earlier, making him see a girl reflected back at him. He didn't even try to fight it. At this point he was getting used to it and figured that there wasn't much of a choice in the matter anyway.

Tomorrow, he reasoned, things will be back to normal. He soon realized that they in fact would never be so for him, ever again. He would have to find a new normal, the realization undoing all his happiness from earlier. Rinsing his mouth absently, he padded back out into the bedroom and across to the right side of Faith's bed, she having already gotten in on the left side and sitting up waiting for him; the gaslights turned low.

He was about to climb in when his aunt cleared her throat. Stopping to stand next to the bed he asked, "Yes, Aunt Heather?"

"We do not sleep in robes and slippers, sweetie." she pointed out patiently.

"Oh." Flushing once more, he stepped out of the slippers and untied the robe, letting his aunt remove it for him as he clutched the neck of the oversized T-shirt once more.

Heather returned the robe to the bathroom before Faith asked, "Mamma? Couldn't he borrow a nightgown to sleep in? He could wear my favorite! Freddie's T-shirt is awfully short and too baggy to sleep in." she pointed out.

Returning from the bathroom, Heather considered her daughter's argument. She didn't want him to feel uncomfortable having to wear only a T-shirt and girl's underwear to bed, but she didn't want him to wear a girl's nightdress even more. Thinking he would simply reject the idea outright she asked, "Well, why don't we leave it up to him?" She looked at Eric and smiled. "Sweetie?"

His vacant expression had returned. Having already admitted to Faith that he enjoyed girly things conspired with his thoughts of how his life would never be normal to make him accept whatever Heather wanted. If that were him wearing a girl's nightgown, he would just accept it as his new normal. "It's fine, Aunt Heather." he shrugged. "Whatever you think is best."

Sighing, she was disappointed that he hadn't taken the initiative to say he didn't want to wear a nightgown. She knew Faith was right. Other than social convention, there really was no valid reason to prevent him from sleeping in a long nightgown that was his size and available versus a short ill-fitting T-shirt. Trying to slip one by her daughter, she changed tactics. "It would be silly to have him change when he doesn't have a preference, since a nightgown would only be a bit longer than the T-shirt anyway."

Shaking her head, Faith didn't buy it. "Mamma? My long nightgown? My favorite? It goes down to my feet! It would be way better than a T-shirt!"

"Possibly," she said, still trying to find a way out of it. Seeing Eric standing by the bed blankly, she shook her head. "I'm going to call it 'good enough' for tonight. We'll get you boy's pajamas tomorrow. Go ahead and climb into bed, sweetie." she ordered him.

Not really listening to their conversation, and no longer caring what he was wearing, Eric pulled back the comforter and sheet and climbed into Faith's bed. In doing so, the baggy shirt drooped open so that both Faith and her mother could easily see the borrowed undies he still wore. Heather avoided looking by going to the bathroom to dim the gaslights to minimum. Faith however, watched him avidly as he got into bed and adjusted the loose shirt repeatedly, trying to get it to stay on his shoulders.

Approaching the bed, Heather waited while Faith laced her fingers together and prayed silently, finishing with, "Amen." Once done, they looked to Eric.

Seeing them waiting for him to do likewise, he figured it was easier to just fake it rather than fight it, and didn't care either way. Closing his eyes, he pretended to pray for several seconds and then absently mumbled, "Amen."

As the two settled in for sleep, Heather kissed them both on the forehead and returned to the door. "Goodnight, you two. Pleasant dreams." she said softly as she closed the door behind her.

Eric started fidgeting almost immediately. The baggy shirt, as Faith had predicted, turned out to be very difficult to sleep in, making him move to adjust it over and over again.

"Eric? Are you alright?" Faith asked just above a whisper.

"Not really." he answered embarrassedly. "The T-shirt is so baggy it keeps bunching up every time I even breathe, but I'll be fine. Really."

Quietly slipping out of bed, she tiptoed across the room to her dresser. Coming back quickly, she handed him her favorite nightgown. "Here." she said sympathetically, keeping her voice low. "I don't care what Mamma says. I think you should sleep in this."

Shaking his head he whispered, "I don't wanna make Aunt Heather mad at me, Faith. She said to just sleep in the T-shirt."

"You're gonna fidget and fuss all night if you stay in that! Come on! Please? Mamma said it was up to you." she argued putting on her 'cute girl' look.

Seeing her hold it out to him again and knowing she was just going to keep insisting, and not really caring about anything at the moment, he sighed and reached out, taking the garment with his hand. "It's really soft." he mumbled.

Letting him take it, she stepped back and whispered, "I know! And super comfy! Well, come on then! Get up and put it on!"

Embarrassed for her to see him, the shirt having ridden up to the point it was exposing the underwear he'd borrowed, he shook his head. "Get back in bed and turn your back?" he stated as though it were a question.

"Why?" she asked innocently.

He was about to explain, but apathy and a desire to just escape reality with sleep made him give in. Getting out of bed, he lifted the T-shirt off with ease. Standing in front of Faith in nothing but the panties he'd borrowed, he quickly slipped into the pink satin polyester nightgown, dropping it over his head and pushing his arms through the elastic banded short sleeves.

Satisfied, she smiled and walked back to her side of the bed and climbed in, settling in facing him this time.

Wearily, he climbed back into bed, having to admit that wearing the fitting nightgown that came down to his ankles was far better than the loose T-shirt. It was soft and comfortable, but it felt funny wearing a satin nightie with lace edges and little flowers on the chest, every move reminding him of its presence. Settling in, all Eric could hear was the rain on the roof and the wind howling through the trees. Punctuated by occasional thunder and lightning flashes through the window, he found it difficult to get to sleep.

After a few minutes he heard Faith whisper, "Eric? Are you still awake?"

"Uh-huh." he replied turning to face her. "It's a little spooky here."

Scootching closer to him, she continued whispering. "If I tell you something, you promise not to get mad at me for it?"

"OK. I suppose so. What is it?"

She shook her head. "You have to promise first."

Rolling his eyes, he answered, "OK. I promise not to get mad. What is it?"

Faith lowered her voice even softer. "I think you look really pretty in my nightgown. And I'm glad you chose to sleep here with me tonight."

Blushing, he looked down at the top of the pink nightgown that he could still see above the covers. Seeing the little pink roses on his chest, he shrugged. "If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it a secret?"

Nodding she replied, "I promise! What is it?"

Eric sighed and closed his eyes, embarrassed to say it out loud. "It's not too bad really, not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I thought I'd hate it, but it's actually really nice. It's super soft and gives me butterflies in my stomach, but in a good kind of way. I think I actually like it."

His cousin nodded and smiled, sliding close until he could hear her conspiratorial whisper. "Now you know why it's my favorite!"

"Remember you promised not to tell anyone... especially not your mom!"

A giggle escaped her lips before going back to whispering. "I promise! I'm really glad you like it though. It's not as pretty as some of my other ones, but it's a lot softer and more like some of Mamma's grown-up nightgowns. Doesn't it just make you feel all pretty inside even more than my robe?"

Gulping at the suggestion, he blinked nervously a few times before answering. "Um... I guess so. I... I don't really know what pretty feels like."

"Um... it feels like... well... pretty!" Faith stumbled over the words, realizing she couldn't describe it any better than Eric could. "I guess it is hard to describe. I bet that's what you're feeling though! Goodnight, Eric."

"Goodnight, Faith." he whispered. "See you in the morning." Rolling over with his back to Faith, he thought about what he was feeling, wondering if Faith was right, then tried not to think too much about anything, but the thoughts came unbidden. This has to be the worst day of my life. he mused. I wish April was here! She'd know what to do. His eyes closing, tears threatening to pour forth, he wondered, Could tomorrow be any worse?

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

Awaking slowly in a dark room, his mind was groggy and dull. The satin pillow and distinctive sweet smell that screamed 'girl' told him he wasn't in his room at the Stone's house. That room still stank of teenage boy from its occupant before he'd taken it. Unable to remember where he was, he had a vague notion of going to sleep in someone else's bed and there being a storm. He reasoned that he must have sneaked into April's bedroom last night like he'd done a few times after his mother's hospitalization when he'd been especially scared. April would soothe away his fears and he would sleep on her floor, returning to his own room in the early morning. That's when he remembered he was in a bed and noticed he wasn't sleeping alone.

He felt a girl he assumed to be April snuggled up tightly behind him. He could tell it was a girl from the scent of her and the wonderfully gentle touch of her arm wrapped around his body, her delicate hand gripping the front of his nightgown. My nightgown? he started, finally awakening fully. Looking down and seeing it with his own eyes, Faith's hand gripping the front of the nightgown he wore, brought reality crashing down on him. His mother's death, the funeral, the tearful goodbye at LAX, his lost luggage, and lastly Faith insisting he wear her nightgown.

Afraid someone would see them sleeping so close and that it was bad, even though he couldn't explain why, he tried to scootch away from her. Her hand tightened its grip and she scooted even more tightly against his back, undoing all his progress. Seeing she would not be moved easily, and now feeling why he'd woken, he almost panicked. Reaching up with his hand, he started to pull her arm off of him when he heard her stir.

"Oh." Faith yawned as he tried to move away, snuggling up to him once more. "It's still dark out. Let's go back to sleep."

"Um, Faith?" he asked. "I have to use the bathroom!" he explained quietly.

"Huh? Oh! Sorry!" she said, releasing him.

Sliding out of bed, he quickly crossed the cold room into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Returning a few minutes later, after learning that he could not relieve himself while wearing a nightgown except by sitting, he almost ran back to the warmth of the bed. "It's freezing in here!"

Waiting until he was fully settled back in bed, Faith scooted up close once more and spooned against his back, her arm slipping around his waist and gripping the top of his borrowed nightgown. "G'night, Eric." she yawned.

"Um, Faith?" he inquired to see if she was still awake. Hearing her acknowledge him wordlessly with a hum, he turned his head toward the ceiling so she could hear him more easily. "Y-you should go back to your side of the bed. If your mom saw us sleeping like this, she might get mad."

She picked up her head off the pillow and leaned over him, almost lying on the side of his body. Looking down at him, her face less than an inch from his and her blonde locks gently tickling his face, she furrowed her brow. "Why? It's cold! And you're warm!"

Feeling flustered with her lying on top of him, her face so close he could feel her breath on his lips, a lump rose in his throat that made it difficult to talk. Turning his head toward the far wall, he stammered, "N-never mind."

Shrugging, Faith lay her head on his shoulder, gripping him tighter than before and draping one leg over his. "G'nite."

Now fully awake and terrified of being thrown out into the cold, the feeling of her laying on him stirred feelings of comfort and affection. He felt as safe and comforted as the times he'd sneaked into April's room where she'd held him while he'd cried. Staring at the darkened window across the room, he apathetically accepted his role as human hot water bottle. Part of him wanted to make Faith to go sleep on her own side, while another part was very much enjoying the secure feeling it gave him. Apathy gave the tie to the latter as he just vacantly lay there, enjoying the feeling of closeness while his heart hammered like a rabbit's.

Pondering his new normal, he felt the rise and fall of Faith's breathing; her breath warm against his neck. Relaxing him, his mind began to drift. I should hate wearing Faith's nightgown... so why don't I? he wondered. Looking down at Faith's hand, he actually smiled at the sight of her fingers gripping the satin bodice. Floating in and out of consciousness, he would be awakened periodically as Faith would move slightly or sigh contentedly in her sleep. He was startled fully awake when the door to the room opened, a shrill voice filling the space with the sound of irritation.

"Alright, you two!" the woman barked. "Up! Up! Up! Faith? Time to get up and dressed. Your mother said to pick something warm, we're in for the first serious storm of the season!"

Rolling over and away from him, he heard Faith cheerily sing, "Good morning, Franchesca!" The bed shook as he felt her move off it, listening to the sound of her light footsteps heading for the bathroom. Closing his eyes to pretend he was still asleep, he hoped the woman would just go away.

"Alright, you!" Franchesca barked. "It's after six o'clock! Breakfast in less than an hour! Mrs. Hargrave wants to talk with you right away, so drag your lazy bones outta that bed!"

Eric, afraid to be seen wearing Faith's nightgown, pulled the covers tightly to himself. In a flash, the comforter and sheet were ripped from his grasp; the chill in the air assaulting his body. Looking up, he saw a middle-aged woman in an ankle-length black dress with a white half apron, her ebony hair drawn up in a tight bun, making her long narrow face more pronounced.

"Come on, you!" she ordered while holding out the borrowed robe he'd worn the night before. "Snap to it! I have a lot of work to get done and you're messing up my schedule, lazing about!" Believing Heather had told the boy to wear the nightgown out of necessity, she didn't pay it any mind.

Getting up tentatively, he let the woman put the robe on him, sat down, and watched her place the matching slippers over his feet; the marabou at the toes tickling nicely. Seeing her offer a hand up, he took it and smiled weakly, thankful that she seemed to be unaware he'd been told to sleep in the T-shirt.

"That's better!" she said, her voice less harsh. "Come along." Taking him by the hand, he had to jog to keep up as she led him out and down the hall to the last door on the right. Knocking gently but firmly, she opened the door after hearing a welcome. "Mrs. Hargrave?" she pushed Eric into the room. "If you won't be needing me, I'll be getting to my work, ma'am."

"That will be all, Franchesca." Heather intoned sweetly from her bed. Gesturing for Eric to approach she inquired, "Did you sleep well, sweetie?"

Scared that the robe might come open and show he was wearing Faith's nightgown, he pulled the robe tightly around him as he stepped a few feet from the door into the opulent room. "Y-yes, Aunt Heather." Seeing her gesture him forward again, he resumed slowly walking to her.

The center of her room was dominated by a huge bed made of dark stained oak with four large posts running up to within a foot of the ceiling, making them almost look like support beams rather than furniture. Wrapping around it was an ornately carved headboard with attached nightstands jutting forward from the sides, lovely electric lamps decorated them that, for the time being, served no purpose. The only light in the room came from the gaslights stationed at even intervals around the room's four walls. The large electric chandelier hung uselessly but beautifully from the middle of the room's ceiling and the windows showed no sign of the coming morning yet.

He looked around while making his way to his aunt's bedside, noticing all the furniture was similarly done in dark stained oak and appeared very old in style, like things you might see in a movie with some fabulously wealthy character. Two dressers, an armoire, three wardrobes, a vanity, and a desk decorated the rest of the room. Elegant wallpaper of deep burgundy with thin gold vine patterns leading to delicate rosebuds covered the upper half of the walls, while the lower half was finished in fine polished oak. The carpet was a deep mahogany, so thick his slippered feet sank into it with each step.

Reaching the side of the bed his aunt was on, she regarded him with concern. "I need to talk to you. If you like, you may sit on the bed while we talk."

Climbing up on the massive bed, he was careful not to let the nightgown he was wearing show, holding Faith's robe closed in front tightly and keeping the bottom pointed away from her. Sitting on his feet at the foot of the bed, he made sure the robe he wore covered his legs for warmth, modesty, and secrecy, he finally looked up toward her. "Yes, Aunt Heather?"

She smiled, but he could tell she was upset. "Sweetheart, I think you can see that the weather has taken a decided turn for the worse since last night. It's very cold out this morning. Freezing, in fact."

Thinking she'd been told how he and Faith had been cuddling together for warmth, he was terrified that she was going to eject him from her home for letting it happen. Looking down in fear of her, he was too ashamed to even look her in the eyes. "I... I'm sorry, Aunt Heather." he stammered. "I won't blame you if you send me away to live in a foster home."

"What?" she exclaimed in confusion. "Sweetie, what ever would make you think that! I would never send you away!"

His head snapping up at her confused reply, he furrowed his brow. "I... I thought..." Realizing he'd misjudged what she was getting at, it dawned on him that he had given too much away and now would have to tell her what he'd assumed she already knew. He looked away once more, taking a breath. "Um... I thought you were mad at me that Faith was snuggled up close to me this morning... like kinda almost laying on me?" He glanced back toward her, but couldn't keep eye contact. "I... I told her you'd be mad about it, but she just told me to go back to sleep. I know I should have just told her to move, but I didn't. I'm sorry, Aunt Heather."

Her confused look transformed into one of understanding and then mild irritation. "I see. I assume she was snuggling for warmth against the cold?" Seeing him nod silently and fearfully, she sighed. "It's alright, sweetheart. I am not mad at you, or Faith... though I'll have to have a talk with her about intruding on people's comfort and privacy. It's something she's terribly blasé about. However, that is not why I wanted to talk to you."

Looking up and feeling the burden of guilt released, he smiled weakly. "Oh. What is it you wanted to talk about, then?"

"I'm afraid I'm forced to break a promise I made to you yesterday." she said embarrassedly. "I... I told you that I would take you into town today to get you new clothes and the other things you need, but I'm afraid circumstances are going to force me to delay my promise." Seeing the dismay on his face and then the vacant look of apathy returning, she sighed in exasperation. "You see, the storm is getting worse by the hour and many of the roads are already closed due to ice. We won't be going anywhere until at least tomorrow at the soonest, more likely the next day."

Taking a moment before she told him the worse news, Heather steeled herself. "There is a further problem. The power is still out and the power company says that it may not be restored for days. Since we have firewood and gas lighting, we are the lowest priority for service in an outage. Right now, they're working to restore power to other people that are much less fortunate than we are... people that depend on electricity for warmth and light. Do you understand, sweetie?"

He nodded. "I understand. You mean we're lucky and should be grateful we have heat and light. It may be cold in the house, but it's warmer than it would be if we needed electricity for heat." Realizing what his aunt had been driving at, he gulped again and asked, "Does this mean my clothes still can't get cleaned?"

She nodded ruefully. "I'm afraid it does, sweetie. You see, while we have some amenities that run on gas, we don't have any way of cleaning clothes quickly without electricity. We can wash them by hand, I've instructed Franchesca to do so, but drying them with no electricity in this cold and wet weather could take a very long time. It could be days before even the few clothes you have here, such as they are, are wearable... and only if Franchesca can repair them, which is doubtful. She's a housemaid, not a seamstress. On top of the roads being closed, it means that, for the time being, what you're wearing is all there is."

Feeling guilty about what it was he was wearing, his despair at the situation led him right back to apathy and guilt that he'd disobeyed her instructions. He almost hoped she would be mad and punish him for changing into the nightgown, feeling he deserved it for going against her wishes.

"About that." he started. "After you left last night, I had trouble settling in to sleep. Faith was right. The T-shirt kept bunching up just like she said it would." He gulped in fear that he was going to get Faith in trouble, but he just had to tell her. "Faith gave me a nightgown to wear." he said with an embarrassed sigh. "I should say though that she was right. It was way more comfortable and I fell asleep almost right away. Also, you did say it was up to me, right? I... I just decided it was OK. Please don't be mad at Faith!"

His aunt sat for a moment in stunned silence. Not that Faith had done it, she could easily believe she had, but the fact that apparently he'd complied without a fight. "Well... um... OK." she said as she tried to think what to do about it. As she looked at him sitting apathetically at the foot of her bed, she reasoned that his pain and grief were so acute he'd lost the will to assert much of any opinion, even willing to wear a girl's nightgown at the slightest prodding. Slowly she began to grasp the depth of his despair.

She'd seen similar behavior from adults who'd gone through severe trauma, but never such depth of pain in a child outside of abusive homes. Normally she would try to encourage talking through the grief, but every time she'd tried it only seemed to worsen, indicating he wasn't ready to face it yet. What he needed was a distraction, an escape, but circumstances were making that difficult, if not impossible.

Trying to work the problem one step at a time, she lifted her chin. "Alright. Well, I don't see that any real harm has been done. I'm glad you were able to sleep well and be comfortable. I'm sorry my calling you in here didn't give you a chance to change first. Would you like to return to Faith's room to change back into the T-shirt now?" she asked hopefully.

He shrugged absently, not seeming to care. "It's fine, Aunt Heather. Whatever you think is best." A soft knock sounded from the ornate door.

"Come in?" she bade them.

Faith walked in happy and smiling, wearing an off-white dress that came down to her ankles. "Good morning, Mamma! Franchesca told me they did cancel school today and that it might be canceled the rest of the week, so I won't miss anything staying home!" Seeing Eric sitting on her mother's bed shyly, she slowed as her smile died. "Is everything OK, Mamma?"

"Everything is fine, dear." her mother answered frustratedly. "I was just talking with Eric about our plans for today. You see, I promised him we'd drive down to Berlin to get him new clothes, but the storm has the highway closed, so I have to delay my promise." She looked back at him apologetically. "I will keep my promise, sweetie. I just can't do it today."

"It's alright." he answered vacantly. "You don't have to. Eventually my luggage will get here and that's good enough for me." His emotions were spiraling downward rapidly, certain that soon his aunt would tire of all the problems he was causing and send him away. His only faint hope was that perhaps she would send him back to Newport Beach where he could be put in a foster home near April. Thinking of her again, his eyes went wide.

"Aunt Heather?" he asked looking up at her sadly. "I jus' realized I fergot ta' call April last night ta' tell her I got here OK. You gotta smartphone I can use real quick?"

Almost flinching at his abysmal use of language, she shook her head. "You forgot to notify April that you arrived safely, and do I have a cell phone you may borrow briefly." she corrected him. "However, the answer would be 'No' either way. There is no cell service here at the house, so I don't have a cell phone anymore, nor would it do you any good if I did have one."

"Oh." he answered dejectedly. Looking up at her once again he asked, "How about a com..." He stopped mid-question before answering it himself. "...puter, which wouldn't work since there's no power. Do you have a regular phone, Aunt Heather?"

"We do, sweetie." she answered, giving him fleeting hope. "However, it's only a quarter after three in the morning there. I'm afraid you'll have to wait until later in the day."

"That's right." he replied, hope evaporating quickly. "I forgot about the time difference, and April's parents don't let her take calls before school anyway, so I can't call her 'til six tonight when she gets home from school."

Faith stood by impassively as he and her mother talked. Noting the time, she waited until she would not interrupt. "Mamma? Breakfast is in less than forty-five minutes and Eric still doesn't have anything to wear." she pointed out. "What's he going to do today?"

"I really don't know, dear. His clothes won't be dry for a few days at least, and we have nothing for him to wear, except what he has on now. Speaking of which, I'm told you had him change after I put you two to bed."

"I had to, Mamma!" she defended her actions. "He was fidgeting around trying to get comfortable and couldn't, isn't that right, Eric? He would have kept us both awake for hours! Besides, he chose to wear it!"

Turning to the young boy, Heather could see the defeat in his eyes; willing to be led to almost anything so long as it distracted from the emptiness. "I find it hard to believe that a boy your age chose to wear a girl's nightshirt."

"Yes, Aunt Heather." He nodded shyly. "I really did. It's not like I had much of a choice. She was right. It's a lot better than that baggy T-shirt." Wrapping his arms around himself, he shivered. "Sorry. It's really cold. I'm not used to it ever getting this cold. Cold in Newport Beach is sixty, not six!"

Faith turned to her mother. "You didn't answer my question though, Mamma. What is he going to do today? It's cold enough that I didn't get warm until I got dressed. You always told me that 'I don't know' isn't an answer, right?"

"Don't be flippant, dear." she retorted. "No, it's not an answer, but I don't have one to give you. Sometimes even adults don't know what to do."

"Then why not have him wear one of my dresses?" she persisted. "I honestly don't see what the big deal is. Besides, what choice is there?"

"He could stay as he is, dear... that is a choice." she pointed out. "In fact he could go back to wearing Fredrick's T-shirt and we can try to find some way of getting a pair of pants to fit him."

"Mamma!" she said incredulously. "You saw him! He needed my robe to keep Freddie's T-shirt from falling off! I don't understand what's so terrible about him borrowing a dress! It's the only thing in the house that will fit!"

Eric looked over at his cousin. "Don't you have like jeans, or a T-shirt I could borrow? Even if they're girly, that would at least be warm... and maybe Aunt Heather wouldn't mind that so much."

Faith shook her head. "No, I hate pants! So Mamma doesn't make me have any. You could wear one of my skirts and a blouse instead of a dress!"

He shrugged defeatedly, his one thought of how to resolve the issue up in smoke. "Anything is fine with me, I guess. Whatever you think is best, Aunt Heather." he repeated as he shivered once more.

Now seriously concerned that he was falling deep into depression and apathy, enough that he may consider harming himself, Heather tried to think of a way to make him assert himself again. Shivering inwardly, she thought of a therapy technique that she felt might have the best chance at success; confrontation and transference.

She could not only allow Eric to borrow a dress from Faith, she could insist on it until he pushed back at her, transferring his anger with the world and God to her. She had used the technique before, but this was the first time she had actual authority over her patient, making it both easier and more difficult at the same time. It was also morally ambiguous and risky, but her training and experience told her that doing nothing would be far, far worse.

"Very well." Heather began. "Faith has made a point I cannot find fault with, nor can I think of any reasonable alternatives. Since without heat other than the fireplace, you can't very well run around the house all day in a bathrobe, and since you don't seem to care either way, you will borrow clothes from Faith until yours are dry. Please go take a bath in Faith's room. Use the toiletries she has available. She and I will be in shortly to help you change." She was almost abrasive in her tone.

"Really, Mamma?" Faith asked incredulously, hardly able to believe that her argument had changed her mother's usually unshakable mind.

Shrugging, Eric slid off her bed and headed toward her door. "Yes, Aunt Heather." was his only reply. Feeling completely cut off from himself, like a puppet on a string that he could only control indirectly, he simply obeyed. He had a fleeting impulse to shout at his aunt, tell her that he wouldn't do it, but his anger was born only out of habit, not any actual desire or preference. Walking down the hall and into Faith's room, he found it odd that he didn't really care, thinking he should more than he did.

Entering Faith's bathroom, he started the water running, warming it up while he undressed. In short order he was bathing using Faith's toiletries. Washing his hair thoroughly, he rinsed and picked up the bottle of Japanese Cherry Blossom body wash. Cleaning himself all over with it left him feeling heartbroken as soon as he recognized the scent.

Sitting on the curb in front of his house in Newport Beach, Eric fiddled with a rock under his shoe, barely noticing when April sat beside him. Finally he smelled something odd and looked to his left.

"What's that smell?" he asked curiously.

Leaning against her best friend, her head rested on his shoulder. "Soap."

"No. I use soap and that ain't it." Eric grimaced.

"OK, so it's girl's soap." April shrugged. "I ran out of my normal bath soap and had to use some of my cousin's that she left here last Christmas."

Nodding in understanding, he went back to rolling the rock under his shoe. "OK." After a span of silence he commented, "It smells nice."

She sighed, worried about him. "Thanks."

After another silent stretch he added, "I just didn't want you to think I thought you smelled bad is all."

Hooking her arm under his, her head never having left his shoulder, after another awkward silence she finally asked, "How's your mom?"

"Not good." he shook his head despairingly. "She told me this morning that she's going to have to go to the hospital and stay there for a while. Maybe even a few weeks. She's inside packing right now."

Sitting up quickly, April turned to look at him. "That bad? I thought her chemo was going well?"

Shrugging as he shot his foot forward, he made the tiny rock under his shoe roll out into the street. "That's what she told me last week, but I guess you just can't tell with these things."

April thought silently for a moment before asking the question she didn't really want to hear the answer to. "So... what's going to happen to you? I mean, if your mom is going to be stuck in the hospital for a while, you can't stay home alone, can you? You're not even twelve, yet."

Picking up another pebble, Eric flung this one out in the street with his free hand. "I guess I'll hafta go to a foster home. At least 'til Mom gets better."

She drew in a short breath. "A foster home? Isn't there any other option? Don't you have any other family?"

"Not really, no." Eric shook his head sadly. "I mean I have an aunt that lives someplace back east, my uncle Richard's widow, but I don't think she'd be very likely to want to take me in. I don't think I've ever even met her. Besides, I need to stick around so I can help Mom get better."

Leaning against his shoulder once more, April tried to figure out a way she wouldn't lose her best friend. Suddenly, she sat up. "Hey! I could ask my mom and dad if you could stay with us! I mean, you've stayed over lots of times when your mom was out of town for work! Why not just stay with us for a few weeks?"

"Do you think they would mind?" Eric perked up.

"Only one way to find out!" she exclaimed, standing quickly and extending her hand down to help Eric up.

As he stood, he caught the scent of her again and smiled a little. "That stuff's really pretty. Your cousin sure must like smelling like a girl, though." he quipped.

"What do you expect?" she retorted as they started walking the short distance to her house. "She's a girl!" After a moment of walking silently together, she added, "Oh, and in case you hadn't noticed, so am I."

Eric smiled at her as they walked up the walkway toward her front door, simply unable to resist the easy joke she'd handed him. "Yeah, but I won't hold that against you!"

His last remark earned him a slap on the arm just as he passed her while she held the screen door open for him, the two entering the house he would live in for the next six months.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

Rinsing off the body wash as he remembered the happy exchange that now nearly brought him to tears, Eric's heart ached to see his best friend even though he knew he likely never would again. Draining the tub, he pulled in one of Faith's towels and dried. Stepping out, he pulled the towel around him tightly to ward off the bitter cold seeping in from the outside.

Noticing a small pile of clothes on the counter that weren't there when he entered, he realized his aunt must have placed them there while he was lost in his memories. After drying himself, he absently donned the second pair of panties he'd ever worn, this time pink, but there was also another article present that he recognized, which almost made him balk.

It was a training bra.

Warring within himself, he remembered his aunt's admonition to obey first and ask questions later and pulled it on over his head. Seeing the last garment she'd left for him, it looked like a very plain nightgown. Quickly figuring out it must be a slip like the one he'd seen Faith wearing the night before, he dropped it easily over his head to drape down his body. The war still raging inside him, he hesitated only a moment before opening the door.

Walking out, he saw his aunt, now fully dressed in a beautiful gown of blue and silver, standing next to the chair for Faith's vanity. Shuffling over to sit, he saw his cousin standing next to her bed smiling, her shocking blue eyes following his every move. Once seated, he watched his aunt crouch down and start to push what looked to him like a giant white sock up over his toes. "What's that?" he asked curiously, but with a hint of irritation that she was dressing him as though he were baby.

"Tights." his aunt said simply. "They'll help keep your legs warm." Pulling them up over his feet and calves, she stopped when she reached the bottom of the slip at his knees. "Stand and pull them the rest of the way up." she ordered, warring within herself whether or not she'd chosen the right therapy, as he didn't seem to be struggling against it nearly as much as she believed he should.

Vacantly, he did as he was told while Heather turned her back to give him a modicum of privacy. Faith on the other hand watched him avidly as he lifted the slip and pulled the tights up over his rump. "Done." he said as he let the slip fall back into place.

Holding out a thin pink petticoat, she lowered it down to the floor. "Step in."

"What's that for? Is it really necessary?" he asked with more than a hint of irritation in his voice as he stepped in, remembering the house rules.

Sliding it up to his waist over the slip she explained with a faint smile, seeing that he was, at least vaguely, beginning to resent being dressed as a girl. "It's called a petticoat, dear. It gives the dress the proper shape so it doesn't just hang loosely around the legs." Hoping that the next item would be the final straw that would break his anger out, she went to Faith's wardrobe and pulled out a dress that she was sure would push him too far.

Eric turned and nearly fainted as she lifted the pink satin dress up for him to see. It looked to be the same length and a similar style as the cotton dress Faith wore, but had shorter puffy sleeves, a bodice covered in a swirl of vines and little flowers in a brocade pattern, and tiny pink sequins scattered about it. The neckline was accented in a Peter Pan collar with lace trim and more tiny sequins. The very full skirt was made of pale pink bridal satin and edging around about an inch above the lace-trimmed hem was another band of lace, ribbon, and a floral patterned organza with even more of the tiny sequins scattered around. He also noticed two satin sashes attached to the sides of the dress at the waist.

It was the girliest thing he'd ever seen.

"Point your arms up, sweetie." Heather instructed, waiting for him to balk.

Afraid to say no for fear of being sent away, and not really wanting to say it, he lifted his arms straight up as instructed. He was soon feeling a zipper closing up his back, followed by a tightness around his waist as his aunt tied the sashes together at the small of his back in a perfect bow. Inside he felt conflicted. The thick satin warmed him quickly, for which he was thankful, but the satin and lace all over his skin gave him more of that feeling of butterflies in the stomach than the nightgown had.

Directing him to sit back down, his aunt proceeded to brush and comb out his long wet hair. Every stroke seemed to fill the room with more girlish scent, making the butterflies in his stomach change to little rubber balls, bouncing around inside him every time he thought, I smell like a girl! I'm dressed like a girl! which he repeated with each brush of his hair.

His conflicted feelings weren't over wearing the dress. He honestly didn't care one way or the other, accepted the necessity, and in fact enjoyed the feeling. It was the other things that bothered him. If his aunt had just told him he had to wear a dress for the day, even this one, he would have been fine with it and perhaps liked it even, though he wouldn't tell his aunt that. Insisting he wear a petticoat and bra he didn't really need, simply because they were things a girl would wear with the dress, made him feel things he didn't want, and wasn't prepared, to face. The war inside himself became a pitched battle, feeling that he must fight to stop his aunt from treating him like a girl, but being treated like a girl gave him a feeling that made him simply give in to the apathy and quietly obey.

"Well," she said after a few minutes, "we can't dry and style your hair properly without electricity, and brushing it out it just makes you look like a boy with long hair in a dress."

"Well aren't I?" Eric huffed.

Heather smiled sweetly, certain that he was about to lash out. "Yes sweetie, but I'm sure you don't want to feel that way, do you?"

"Mamma?" Faith asked. "He could wear one of my play wigs! The red one!"

Believing him to be close to breaking through the apathy and venting his anger out at her, she smiled. "Yes, dear! That would work, wouldn't it?" Pushing his boundaries to the breaking point, she coiled his damp hair on top of his head and pulled the auburn wig Faith brought her over it, seeing the anger in his eyes. "There!" she made herself say happily as she picked up a brush and did her best to make it look nice. "Take a look!" Heather ordered, preparing herself for the dam of emotion to finally break.

Furious that she'd added yet another unnecessary feminine article that made him look and feel even more like a girl, Eric angrily turned and regarded his image as instructed. Reflected back at him was someone who only looked vaguely like what he recognized in the mirror, but somehow seemed so very familiar. As the wind howled outside and the beating rain turned slowly to sleet and snow, he realized that he was watching an echo of the past; a ghost reflected back at him instead of his own image.

A chill ran down his spine unnerving him when he realized why the image in the looking glass appeared familiar; not because it was a reflection of him dressed as a girl, but because it wasn't. In desperation to escape his tormented life, his broken mind took the reflection that vaguely resembled pictures of his mother as a child and twisted it to make him actually see her image as a child reflected back at him. Mom?

Seeing his shocked reaction, his aunt readied herself for a full-scale rebellion. "Well?" she asked.

The traumatized child could scarcely speak. After a moment, his expression of anger and shock melted into one of fascination. He simply nodded and murmured, "It's... it's fine, Aunt Heather." causing her to visibly blanche.

Watching him, Heather had been certain he was seconds from pushing back; moments from the break that would finally see him pour out his pain, grief, and anger at her instead of the faceless world that had been so cruel to him. If he had, she would have been ready to take it all, begin working through his grief, and help him learn to cope with it. Instead, something she hadn't anticipated happened as he just stared at his reflection, mesmerized.

Bringing over a pair of pink patent leather Mary Janes still in their box, Faith handed them to her stunned mother. "You bought these for me for when I grow some, Mamma. I think they might fit her already."

Swallowing hard at hearing himself referred to as 'her', he wanted to turn toward his cousin, but was almost physically incapable of looking away from the vision of his mother as a young girl staring back at him.

Heather was about to correct Faith's gender switch, but it started a thought brewing. "Are you sure, dear? You haven't even had a chance to wear them yet. They might get ruined before you even get a chance."

Faith dismissed the idea. "Of course she won't ruin them! Will you Erica?"

Hearing his mother's name broke the spell and he snapped his head around, thinking that they could see her in the mirror as well. When he saw Faith looking back at him and mentally processing the conversation he'd heard but wasn't listening to, his shock slowly melted away and he shook his head, noticing the strange sensation of the long red curls tickling his neck. "N-no Faith. I promise I won't mess them up for you." he said softly.

Beaming happily, Faith handed the shoes to her mother, who slipped them on the stockinged feet without a word. They fit well and his aunt then bade him to stand and look at himself in Faith's full-length mirror, hoping that perhaps the full image would be too much for his male ego to handle.

Stepping in front of the oval freestanding mirror, he got another chill as he once more saw his young mother in the mirror trying to copy his movements, just out of sync enough that he could tell it was her and not his reflection. He no longer cared about the clothes he was wearing or the uneasy feeling looking like a girl gave him. All he cared about was seeing his mother, even managing to smile at the idea that she was here with him once more.

Coming to stand next to her cousin, Faith looked at their reflections, appearing to her, and anyone else who might see them, like a perfectly normal pair of young ladies.

Heather quietly opened the door. Turning in the doorway she said, "I'm going downstairs to let Cook know to start serving breakfast. Please don't dawdle." Closing the door behind her, she was in a near panic. It almost worked! she insisted to herself. It nearly did, but something changed in him. I wonder... Guessing what it might be, she spotted Fredrick dousing the gaslights in the hallway and approached her butler. "Fredrick?"

Turning to face her he asked, "Is there something you need, Madame?"

Blushing slightly, she steeled herself. "Please inform Cook that we will be down for breakfast shortly. Additionally, I want to let you know something so you don't react negatively. Lacking options, and with his consent, we have attired young Eric in one of Faith's dresses. He was quite unnerved by it, but we didn't have much choice in the matter, given circumstances."

Explaining further, she added, "He didn't want to feel like a boy in a dress, so Faith and I helped to make her look more the part, which helped, so please treat her as you would any young lady. Can you do that, Fredrick?"

Barely able to restrain his shock, after a moment Fredrick accepted it as simply what his employer, a trained therapist who knew more about these things, desired. "Very well, Madame. How shall I address the child?"

Sighing, she replied, "Miss Erica. This should only be for part of today, hopefully. I'm going to go talk with Franchesca. I want you two to figure some way of fixing and drying his clothes today. Once his clothes are dried and repaired, he will remain in them until the roads open... even at night. Please inform Cook of the situation."

Bowing slightly he stated, "Of course, Madame. I shall do my best to make... her... comfortable with the situation." At that he returned to extinguishing the gaslights while Heather went off to find her maid. She wasn't sure what was going on in Eric's mind, but she couldn't live with herself if she didn't do everything possible to ensure Jack and Erica's son remained their son.

"Mamma picked my prettiest dress!" Faith pointed out after Heather left. "You look gorgeous in it, Erica! Do you mind if I call you that?"

Looking back at Faith in the mirror, he shook his head. "I suppose not, Faith. I... I guess Eric wouldn't be right... for... for a... a girl." A feeling he didn't understand washed over him as he referred to herself as a girl for the first time; a calm unlike anything she'd ever experienced. The war inside her was over. All that remained was the blissful calm. Turning back to marvel at the image of her young mother in the mirror, Faith took her hand.

"We should be getting down to the dining room. Mamma doesn't like it when we're late and it's already seven-thirty... half an hour late."

Swallowing hard, she asked, "Can I tell you a secret, Faith?"

She turned and faced Erica's reflection. "Anything, Erica! I promise not to tell... unless it's something bad."

She shook her head, this time enjoying the tickle of the hair on her shoulders and neck. "It's not a bad secret. When I look at myself in the mirror dressed like this?" She paused and let go of Faith's hands, gathering the nerve to say it out loud and not cry. Closing her eyes and holding her breath a moment, she finally blurted it out. "When I see myself in the mirror like this, I... I see my mom when she was a little girl!"

Faith gasped and her eyes grew wide. "Oh, Erica!" She'd seen pictures her father had of his sister growing up and, looking closely, she realized that in the dress and red wig her cousin did resemble her somewhat. "Are you OK?"

She nodded in fascination as her mother nodded with her. "I... I never noticed how much I looked like her before because my mom has red hair, and I have dirty-blonde hair like my father did."

"So I was right to pick the red hair?" she smiled.

Erica nodded, watching the youthful image of her mother eerily shadowing her head movement. Fascinated, she turned only her body away from the mirror slowly, continuing to watch her youthful mother following her movements imperfectly. She could turn her body just enough to see the big pink satin bow at the small of her mother's back, its ends trailing down the back of the skirt as though the ghost were a giant present.

Taking her hand, Faith chirped, "Come on, Erica! Let's go have breakfast!"

Entering the hallway, they saw Fredrick waiting for them at the top of the stairs. Erica's cheeks flushed and she felt the urge to run back into Faith's room to strip the dress off, but the impulse to do so was small and distant, like a memory of a desire. Instead, she just let Faith continue to lead her, hearing the clacking of their short heels against the marble floor. It was an odd sensation for her, having never heard her own footsteps so prominently.

When the two reached the top of the stairs, Fredrick bowed. "Good morning, Miss Faith... Miss Erica. Breakfast is served. If you will accompany me?"

"Thank you, Freddie!" Faith said happily as she released Erica's hand and took his, descending the stairs with the perfection of royalty.

Following, Erica tried to descend the stairs as gracefully as Faith. Passing the framed paintings that hung along the stairway wall, she would occasionally catch sight of her mother in the glass and smile. Slowly, she formed a story in her mind unlike any she'd ever made up. Reaching the bottom, Fredrick held out his free hand and waited. Taking the offered hand gently, she held it the way she saw Faith doing, letting the butler escort them both to the dining room. Entering, they saw Heather already seated at the head of the table.

"Miss Faith and Miss Erica, Madame." Fredrick announced formally.

Nodding to him, Heather gestured to the same places they had occupied the night before. Realizing that she should wait to be seated like Faith, she stood beside her chair while Fredrick assisted her cousin. When the muscular man moved her seat out for her, she smoothed the back of the long skirt and mimicked how she'd seen Faith sit. Sliding into place, she again followed Faith's lead and placed her napkin across her lap.

Waiting patiently, she saw Cook come out with two plates. Serving her aunt first, she again served Faith second. The household cook then left and came back to place Erica's plate in front of her, smiling at her gently, if nervously, the whole time.

"Thank you." she muttered, her voice soft and meek.

"You're quite welcome, dearie!" Cook replied. "Just let Fredrick know if you want any more! There's plenty!"

Remembering dinner, she clasped her hands to pray and bowed her head while her aunt repeated the same prayer from dinner. During the prayer, the broken child imagined she was her own mother, praying as she must have done thousands of times before Erica was even born. It gave her a warm smile that lingered all the way through "Amen."

Throughout breakfast in fact, she was smiling. She hadn't played pretend, creating stories like she used to, since before her mother's hospitalization, but at that moment she was lost in a world where she was Erica Hargrave, a twelve-year-old girl visiting with her cousin Faith and her aunt Heather. Imagining it as she ate, she changed the back-story so she was living with her 'aunt' who was really her sister-in-law because Richard was her much older deceased brother. She just called her 'Aunt Heather' out of respect because she was old enough to be.

Watching the two eating, Heather noticed that Erica seemed happy, but lost in thought. Worried that she was in some kind of fugue state at the shock of seeing herself dressed as a girl, the therapist decided that she'd made the right decision in arranging to have the boy clothes cleaned, dried, and repaired as soon as possible. Whatever's going on in his mind seems to have broken through the apathy and depression, so it's done some good, but the sooner he's back in his own clothes, the better. I don't like this...

When at last the three finished breakfast, Fredrick helped each of them out of their seats in turn. Moving from the dining room into the living room where the large fireplace warmed the house, Heather sat once more on her usual loveseat while the two girls took seats on the other one facing her.

"Well!" she began. "Since there's no school today, and likely not for a few days at least, we needn't worry about getting Erica registered until likely next month." Looking at Erica's reaction, she noticed no change in expression over the use of her name in the feminine form. Needing to see just how badly damaged she was, Heather used her therapist's training and began engaging them in light conversation. "Do you two have any plans for today?" she asked.

Looking at one another, they shook their heads, Faith answering for them both. "Not really, Mamma. I've done all my homework, and Erica doesn't have any yet, so I guess there isn't anything we have to do. Could we just go upstairs and play for a while?"

Her mother shook her head. "I think we should sit here together and talk about a few things. Besides, it's much warmer in the living room than in your bedroom, don't you agree?" Turning to Erica, she asked, "Did you have anything you wanted to talk about? You must have a lot of questions."

"Not really, Aunt Heather." she said demurely.

"I noticed that during breakfast you seemed to be deep in thought." she probed. "What were you thinking about?"

"Well, I was thinking... um..." she began hesitantly, sure that her aunt would react badly to the idea that she was pretending to be her own mother. Deciding to just let her know some of her thoughts, she closed her eyes and took a breath, her way of making herself say something she didn't want to. "I noticed that I look an awful lot like... um... my mom... when she was younger. I was thinking about that." Still sorting out the details of her story, she justified her statement by separating Erica's life into two parts; her old life as a grown up and her new life, reborn in the body of her own child.

Faith looked at her surprised. "I thought you wanted me to keep it a secret?"

"It's alright, Faith." she sighed. "I couldn't very well lie to your mom, right?"

"I guess so." she replied. Turning to her mother, she asked, "I noticed I look a little like some of the pictures of you when you were little. Don't you think so, Mamma?"

Smiling, Heather turned to her daughter. "Somewhat, dear. I also agree, Erica... you do look somewhat like your mother at your age. How does that make you feel, seeing something of your mother reflected back at you?"

She shrugged absently. "Mostly I like it... like she's still here with me."

Looking at her intently, Heather nodded. "I understand. Well, I see no real harm in it for a while. Maybe it can help you cope with your feelings."

Smiling, Faith turned to her cousin. "Erica? Would you like to play pretend and your name can be Erica while my name can be Heather?"

Shaking her head slowly, she replied, "No, that's OK, Faith. I think you should just be yourself. You can still call me Erica, though. I like it." Even as the words came out of her mouth, she remembered that she was sitting across from her aunt. Looking over at her with eyes wide, she tried to stammer out a retraction. "Well, what I mean is... um..." Unable to come up with a convincing restatement of a meaning other than the truth, she finally sighed and looked down in her lap again, waiting for a lecture that she shouldn't be enjoying her predicament. The response she got surprised her.

"That very understandable, Erica." her aunt replied.

Looking up at her guardian, she asked, "It is?"

Heather laughed. "Yes, sweetie! You see, from a certain point of view, Eric is an orphan boy, uprooted from the life he's always known, and cast into a strange place with family he doesn't know with almost nothing to his name. Erica is a young lady with pretty dresses, lots of toys, a cousin just her age, and living with loving family and isn't missing anyone in her life, because she has no life other than what you want there to be. Do you see?"

She nodded as she began to see what her aunt meant. "I think so. It sounds like something I read in a psychology book once. I think it's called escapism. Is that right?"

Sitting forward, Heather was surprised by her degree of knowledge on the subject. "Very good, Erica! You seem to have a knack for psychology. Isn't that what your mother did for a living?"

Thinking about her mother Erica while being Erica was confusing and unsettling. If she was Erica Dunning, that meant her mother was also Eric's mother, therefore her mother was also dead, whereas if she was Erica Hargrave, her mother was alive again. Shaking free of that confusing and depressing line of thought, she answered her aunt's question distantly. "In a way, Aunt Heather. I think she was called a Human Resources Consultant."

Nodding, Heather already knew that her mother had gotten a degree in psychology; they'd both attended Stanford at the same time, Heather one year ahead of her. She also knew what her sister-in-law had done for a living after her husband Jack was killed overseas. It was all in the letter that the dying woman had written to her asking her to take 'Eric' in. "Well I'm impressed, young lady." she complimented.

Faith was bored with the conversation. "So then, can we play down here in the living room then, Mamma? If we promise to play quietly?"

"In a moment, dear." her mother replied absently. Turning back to her niece, she waited to see if the girl would volunteer anything more.

"Aunt Heather? If what you say is true, about me using escapism? Doesn't it mean I should stop? It's not healthy, right? Isn't it what crazy people do?"

"No, sweetheart. In fact a little escapism can be very healthy. Actually we do it all the time. Sometimes we need it the same way a pressure cooker needs an escape valve. When life gets too hard, or changes too quickly, the pressures it can cause can lead to very self-destructive behavior. A little escapism, like reading a book or watching a movie, is as healthy as a little wine; too much and you can't function in the real world... too little and you won't have much fun at all. Do you understand?"

Erica nodded. "So it's OK to be Erica?"

"For a while, yes." she nodded and smiled. With an almost laughing lilt in her voice, she added, "We'll see how you feel once your regular clothes are clean and dry and you have a choice!"

"Is it OK now, Mamma?" Faith sighed.

Her mother looked sternly back at her. "Now Faith, you know perfectly well that whining will not get you what you want. I think it would be good for you to be reminded of that by you two staying down here to read for a while. You may chose from any book in your library, so long as you read until ten. Is that clear, young lady?"

She'd regretted her impatient tone the moment it left her lips and knew that she'd blown any hope of getting to play downstairs any time soon. "Yes, Mamma." she replied apologetically. Standing up she extended her hand to her cousin, helping her stand in her unfamiliar outfit. "Come on, Erica. We really do have a very nice library. Would you like me to show it to you?"

She smiled at the idea as she'd always enjoyed reading. Pausing a moment, she realized she'd missed something. "Wait, you have your own library?"

"Well, I call it my library." Faith shrugged. "It's just one wall, though."

Her mother intervened, standing next to the two. "That's enough, Faith. Follow me, ladies."

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

--

Stepping through the door to the right of the old grandfather clock in the living room, Erica walked into the library. Its dark interior illuminated only by the little light that managed to seep its way past the heavy curtains that covered the room's single massive window, she followed her aunt to the right; rows of bookshelves jutting out from the wall opposite the door.

Following the woman around the corner and further to the right, she determined it had to be directly below the room they'd given her, just as the living room was beneath Faith's and her aunt Heather's rooms. Slowly building a map of the house in her head, she looked around as Fredrick entered and drew back the heavy curtains, showering the room in the light managing to make its way through the heavy clouds and freezing rain.

She had never seen so many books outside a public library.

"This is our library, Erica." Heather said matter-of-factly, having come at last to the other end of the room near the window. "This far wall is Faith's library, and now yours as well. You may feel free to take any book on those shelves. If you want a book that is anywhere else, you need to ask my permission first. Do you understand?"

She nodded absently as she looked at the wide assortment of books available. "Yes, Aunt Heather." In doing so, she realized she'd mimicked the slight little curtsy she'd seen Faith do every time she said 'Yes, Mamma.' She hadn't actually thought to do it, it just seemed the natural thing to do.

"Richard expanded the library when we bought this house." she reminisced. "Originally, this part of the house was a separate room, a den, I believe. He combined them, then added the rows of shelves on the south wall to expand the library's capacity. Many of these books have been in my family for generations. The original library could never have contained them all. If you do request to use any of them, please be very careful. Some are quite old."

In awe of the number of books just in 'Faith's Library', she nodded and curtsied absently. "I will, Aunt Heather." Looking over the collection, she saw nearly every novel ever written for children from the mid-eighteenth century through the mid-twentieth, as well as several sets of encyclopedias.

While Erica perused the books, Faith came bounding up, happy as a lark, having completely forgotten her disappointment at being denied permission to play. "Erica! Have you ever read this one? It's one of my favorites!"

"Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm?" she read the title. "No, but I've heard of it. I think they made it into a movie once." Taking the book graciously, she wandered up and down the shelves, looking for anything that seemed interesting.

"That should be enough time." Heather instructed after a few minutes. "Take what you have to the living room and read quietly until ten o'clock."

Not having found anything that had caught her interest, Erica simply took the book Faith had handed her and followed her cousin out to lay on the floor in front of the fire where Fredrick had put a blanket for them to keep warm while they read. The two lying down to read, Heather reading on her usual loveseat, she looked at Faith's book. "What did you pick?"

"Little Women. I like Beth the most, even though it's mostly about Jo."

Shrugging, Erica settled down on her elbows to read in front of the fire. A short time later she noticed that she was doing something she'd done for years without realizing. The two pre-teens were both lying on their stomachs with their feet toward the fire and at some point Faith had started kicking her feet up as she read, mimicking what Erica had been doing. Imagining how they must look, she thought how it really was a very girlish thing to do and giggled. Looking up, she saw her aunt steal a glance at them, making her smile melt as she looked down and resumed reading once more.

Not long after, she heard someone enter the living room from the archway into the dining room and kitchen. Looking around, she saw Fredrick holding some metal racks and standing next to a waiting Franchesca who was carrying a small basket.

"Madame?" Fredrick began. "Franchesca has hand laundered the soiled clothes, however the only place suitable for drying them quickly is in front of the fire. With your permission?"

Not relishing the thought of seeing Erica's boy clothes hanging to dry in her living room, she was however more eager than ever to see Erica returned to her old clothes, mistaking the behavior as Erica slipping too easily and happily into newly acquired girlish habits. "Proceed, Fredrick. Please make room." she directed toward the two youths.

Both children scooted away from the fireplace, leaving room for Fredrick, Franchesca, and the improvised drying rack Fredrick had made out of grills from the oven.

While Fredrick started setting up the racks for drying, Cook stormed in. "Mrs. Hargrave! Fredrick has taken all the racks out of my oven! Without 'em, I won't be able to prepare dinner or supper!"

Heather put down her book. "I see." Turning to Fredrick she sighed, "Is there no other option?"

"I'm afraid not, Madame." he shook his head solemnly. "I find we are quite unprepared for this circumstance. The fire is the only means of drying clothes quickly, and the oven racks are the only viable means of setting clothes in front of it to do so. The only alternative would be to hang them on lines in the library or spare room, which would take two to three days to dry."

Thinking a moment, willing to do whatever was necessary to get Erica back in pants, she nodded. "Very well, Fredrick." Turning to Cook she sighed, "You'll have to make do without them until later today at the soonest, Cook. Hopefully they'll be available in time to cook supper."

Scowling, she answered, "Yes ma'am! But just so you know, I don't like it!" Turning to leave, she glanced down at Erica with a pained expression.

Watching her leave for the kitchen once more, Erica wondered what the exchange was about before she looked over at Faith and for the first time saw her visibly upset. Leaning in close, she whispered, "What's wrong?"

Looking close to tears, she whispered back. "Once your clothes are dry, you might not want to be Erica anymore!"

"I think even if I have a chance to go back to... the way I was... I might not." she reached out a comforting hand to Faith.

Taking it, she smiled. "Really?"

"I really like being your cousin Erica." she smiled genuinely. "It's a lot more fun than when... when I... um... wasn't." Leaning in close to whisper even quieter, she added, "Your clothes are really nice and pretty!" Faith squeezed her hand happily before Heather interrupted the moment.

"That's enough whispering. Back to reading please."

Letting go of each other's hands, the two went back to their books. When the grandfather clock struck ten, Heather released them both to go upstairs and pick toys or a game they could quietly play in the living room to stay warm; the storm outside continuing to rage as the temperature plummeted.

Several minutes later, Erica stood patiently behind Faith as she rummaged through the toy box at the foot of her bed. "It's funny." Erica noted. "I didn't think I'd like Rebecca, but when your mom said we could go play, I was actually kind of disappointed that you didn't want to keep reading."

Looking back over her shoulder, Faith smiled. "It's a great book, isn't it?" Going back to her rummaging, she shortly pulled out a board game box and handed it to her slightly younger cousin. "Take this please, Erica?"

Taking the box, she watched Faith put all the other games back. More interested in the fascinating way the bubbly girl packed her toy box than the game she'd been handed, Erica watched as Faith neatly and carefully placed every object back in a specific place, finally dropping the lid when it was done to her satisfaction. Burning with curiosity, Erica asked, "Why do you put everything in a certain way? Doesn't that take a lot of extra time?"

Standing up, Faith shook her head. "Not really. When I want something I know just where to get it. Mamma taught me that being organized saves time in the long run because you don't waste time trying to find things and cleaning up messes that you wouldn't have if you were organized."

Walking over to her wardrobe, Faith opened it and revealed a huge assortment of dresses. "See? If I know what dress I want to wear, I know exactly where it is, saving time trying to find it. Plus, they don't wrinkle!"

While Faith talked for a few minutes about organization, Erica looked at her dresses. Only half listening, she was instead imagining what she would look like wearing each of them. Suddenly conscious of what she was doing, and remembering what was said while her ratty clothes were set out to dry, she chided herself.

Faith closed her wardrobe and took the game from her absent hands. Noticing her far away look, she asked, "Erica? Are you alright?"

Sighing, she stepped backwards until she felt Faith's bed against the back of her legs and sat down. "I really don't know, Faith."

She walked over and placed the game on her bed, sitting beside her. "What's wrong? Are you feeling ill? Do I need to get Mamma?"

"No, I'm not sick. I'm just... sad."

"Why?"

"I... I mean... Ugh!" Frustrated at her inability to express what she was feeling, she flopped back onto Faith's bed, staring up at Faith's pink canopy while her feet dangled from the edge. "I like being Erica, a lot... but I'm not supposed to."

Wrinkling her nose up in confusion, Faith asked. "Why do you think that?"

Closing her eyes, she tried to find the words that would make her understand. "Your mom really doesn't like me wearing your clothes or being Erica. I can tell. I think she's gonna make me stop... very soon... like as soon as lunch is over. I really like being Erica, but I think I can't like it. I... I don't want to make Aunt Heather mad at me." She left out the part she feared so much she dare not even speak it out loud, that if she displeased her aunt severely enough, Heather would send her away, just as the Stone's had.

Moving the game, she lay down on her side next to her cousin. "Didn't Mamma say it was good for you to be Erica for a while?"

"Yeah, but she doesn't like it." she mumbled. "She wants me to be a normal guy, and normal guys don't like dresses. Besides, I have to do whatever she says. She didn't have to take care of me, ya' know. I kinda owe her. So I'll hafta stop being Erica whenever she says to, even if I like being a girl."

Quietly, Faith mulled over the idea. "I guess I don't understand why she doesn't like you wearing my dresses. I mean, the way I see it, there's lots of girls I know that hate dresses. Some don't even like me wearing dresses! My old friend? Jennifer Wilks? She lives a little ways down the highway. She hates dresses! She told me that I should stop wearing them because she says they're... um.... de-grating? So it figures that since not all girls like dresses, then not all guys have to hate them, right?"

She opened her eyes and turned her head to face Faith. "If a boy likes to wear dresses, he gets teased by everyone and called names. If a girl doesn't like dresses, nobody cares. Girls can wear pants and guy stuff and it's fine, but boys can only like boy stuff... nothing else. It's just the way it is."

Faith sat up. "That's not fair!"

Sitting up, she leaned on one elbow and faced her. "No one ever said life was fair, Faith." she sighed depressingly. "If it was, we'd still have dads."

Sighing and lying back on her bed, Faith reluctantly agreed. "I suppose. I guess it's sort of like Mamma's friends, Aunt Brooke and Aunt Jenny? They live in a little house just north of here. Aunt Brooke was my daddy's best friend! She was in the war with him when he... um... when he died."

"My dad was killed in the war, too." Erica shared. Holding out her hand to Faith, she smiled when her cousin took it.

"I guess I see what you mean about life not being fair. When they got married last year, the ladies at church called them names I'm not allowed to say. Mamma stood up for them, then Pastor gave a sermon about having a splinter in your eye or something and everyone stopped calling them names. Aunt Brooke is really pretty, and Aunt Jenny is super nice! It wasn't fair that they got called names just because they're two married women."

Nodding in understanding, Erica sighed. "So anyway, that's what's wrong. I really like being Erica, and I love your dresses, but I can tell your mom isn't going to let me be Erica, or let me borrow your clothes, anymore." Pausing a moment, she began understanding herself. "I never really thought about it before this morning. I just assumed that because everyone told me to be a boy I had to be one, but it's like I was supposed to be a girl. That's what the doctor told my parents before I was born, that I was going to be a girl." Turning sullen, she looked down at her pretty dress. "But it doesn't matter. Even if your mom did let me be Erica, everyone would make fun of me."

Standing and stepping in front of Erica, Faith held out her hands to help her back up. Once she was standing again, Faith put her right hand over her heart. "Erica? I promise you that no matter what, I will never make fun of you liking to wear my dresses or for being a girl! I think you're prettier than anyone as a girl! I wish you could stay Erica forever and would never have to wear those ugly boy clothes ever again!"

Just as she finished speaking, both of them heard the smoke alarm sounding. Erica ran for the door to her room, but Faith stopped her from opening it.

"No! If there's a fire, we're supposed to get down on the floor!"

The two got down on their hands and knees and waited. When the noise stopped, Faith checked the door for heat. Feeling nothing, Erica reached up and opened the door as the two started crawling toward the stairway where they heard footsteps running up toward them. Looking up as her aunt rounded the corner, Erica wasn't sure what to do and just froze.

"What are you two doing?" she asked impatiently.

"What they taught us in school to do in a fire, Mamma." her daughter answered as though it was a silly question.

"You two! Get up and follow me!" Heather barked.

Getting off the floor and walking over to her, the irate woman started down the stairs, the two children following. On reaching the living room, it was obvious why the smoke alarm had sounded. There in front of the fireplace was a smoldering pile of cloth with Fredrick pouring water on it to put them out.

Swallowing hard, Erica looked at her aunt. "My clothes?"

She nodded. "Your clothes. Where were you two a few minutes ago?"

The two looked at one another, then back to her. "We were upstairs getting a game, Mamma." her daughter answered shyly. "You told us we could."

"It doesn't take twenty minutes to get a game and come back down." she said, trying to keep from shouting. "Who did it?"

"Did what?" Erica asked, a genuine look of confusion on her face.

Faith understood her mother's implication much sooner, her eyes opening wide in shock. "Mamma! You don't think..."

"Yes, I do!" Heather interrupted. "And now I have a good idea who and why!" Walking up to her daughter, Heather took a breath and calmed herself. Folding her arms, she looked down at her daughter. "Faith? Tell the truth and your punishment will be much less severe. You know that."

Scared that she was to be punished for something she didn't do, Faith was near to hysterics. "Mamma! I didn't! I swear I didn't!" Unfortunately, her thoughts drifted back to the wish she'd made, wondering if she had done it by wishing for it. It left enough doubt in her eyes that Heather could see it.

Wanting to help Faith, once she figured out what was going on, Erica got her aunt's attention. "Aunt Heather? Faith and I were together the whole time. She couldn't have done it. Maybe it was an accident?"

Seeing that Erica was showing no tell-tales of a lie and appeared to be answering honestly, she looked at Faith who had shown she was holding something back, sure now that Faith had sneaked away without Erica seeing. "I'll give you one more chance to come clean, Faith. The truth!"

Backing away, Faith started breathing heavily. "But... I..." She tried to find the words to make her mother believe her, but it was impossible to prove that she hadn't done it, especially since she thought she might have. Thinking fast, she equivocated. "I didn't touch them, Mamma! I promise!"

"Very well then." Heather said in a menacing tone, her experience letting her see the deception in Faith's body language. "Your punishment..."

"Stop!" Erica shouted. "I did it!"

Snapping her head around to look at her niece, she saw several tells that told her she was lying to protect Faith. Looking back at her daughter, she scowled. "Are you going to just stand there and let your cousin take the blame for it, Faith?" she tried shaming her.

"But I didn't, Mamma! And I know she didn't either!" Faith started to cry. "She couldn't have! She never left the room! I saw her the whole time! Erica! Tell her the truth!" she pleaded, but saw her cousin standing rigid as a board with a thousand-yard-stare in her eyes.

"Very well." Heather growled. "Both of you, go upstairs and wait in Faith's room. I'll be up in a few minutes to tell you what your punishments will be." Once they made their way up the stairs and were out of earshot, Heather turned back to Fredrick. "Can you tell what happened?" she asked.

Turning to her as he ran his fingers over a burnt shirt fragment, he nodded. "Indeed, Madame. I believe Cook could shed some light on the issue."

Theresa Cook stood defiantly at the entryway to the dining room. "Yes, I can, Mrs. Hargrave!" she snapped.

Quickly making her way to stand in front of her household cook of more than thirty years, Heather spoke in hushed tones. "Explain please."

Heading into the kitchen for privacy, Cook turned as her employer entered behind her. Once the door closed with Fredrick waiting nearby, she stared Heather down, despite her shorter stature. "I poured lamp oil on 'em!"

Heather was taken aback. After a moment of silence she asked, "But why?"

Theresa never flinched. "You know a lot about a lot of things Mrs. Hargrave, but what you don't know a lot about is grief." Seeing her employer about to object, she waved a dismissive hand. "Oh, you know enough about it to have some sense of it... as an adult. I know you still grieve the loss of Mr. Hargrave... and your parents... and you have your fancy degree, but you cannot understand the grief of a child who's lost what that child has!"

Stiffening at the accusation, Heather scoffed. "Just what gives you the right to say I know nothing of grief?"

The household cook stalwartly faced her down, wielding a wooden spoon like an accusing finger. "The right of an orphan, dearie! I lost my parents at the same age as that child! You were lucky enough to be an adult... with a sizable inheritance to get you through it! That child is suffering a profound grief that cannot be measured... losing your parents before you're ready to assume the responsibilities of adulthood. Then uprooted from all you've ever known, taken in by strangers! It makes a child feel unwanted and abandoned, no matter how many people she has telling her otherwise!"

She poked her wooden spoon towards her employer, coming within an inch of actually poking her with it and making Heather back away. "And you! So eager to resume a state of normalcy that you'd make extra efforts to see to it he can be put back in pauper's rags before suppertime! Pushed out of the only thing holding back his grief... his escape into a girl's world! Oh, you make grand statements about it being 'his choice' if he wants to play at being a girl for a while, but make no mistake! That child knows you don't like it and feels so indebted to you for taking him in, he'd rather endure the grief than go against you! You can fire me for doing it Mrs. Hargrave, but before you do, just know this! The deed is done and now you're stuck with it! So if you think getting rid of me will solve things, you better think again!"

Silence filled the room like a vapor, threatening to suffocate them. Finally, Cook stepped slowly up to her long time employer and lowered her voice to a caring tone. "You know me, Heather. I've been a part of this family since you were ten. You know I don't act rashly, but this child needs this. The idea of making the dear wear rags while the rest of us have fine clothes? That poor thing needs an escape from all that... and one that can be counted on for a while. At least until he can manage to swallow his grief and move on. Maybe a day... maybe a week... maybe a year. Eventually he'll go back to being himself, but forcing it for propriety's sake? I think you already know it's wrong Heather, but for once... put your pride and fancy education aside... and listen to your heart."

Heather had been about to fire her, consequences be damned, if for no other reason than for going behind her back, but the more she listened, the more of what Theresa said made sense. Clearing her throat and raising her chin up, Heather addressed her. "I should fire you for it, but you are right, Cook." Her eyes turning toward the floor, her pride evaporated and she took on the look of the ten-year-old girl Theresa once knew. "I have been stuffy and prideful. Richard would be so disappointed in me for that!"

Relaxing and taking a seat at the kitchen table, she continued. "Oh, I know it's no excuse, but Erica's death has affected me much more than I've let on. She... she was my last tie to Richard... and Jack... and I loved her as though she were my own sister. Now I'm afraid that she's entrusted me with her child and I've let her... and Jack... down! I wanted to help him, but it seems like all I've done is confuse him. Erica warned me that he wasn't very boyish and asked me to make sure he grew up into a good man like Jack, and I put him in a dress! And he liked it!" Looking over at Theresa, she shook her head in disbelief. "Lamp oil?"

"I wanted to make sure!" she smiled at back.

Fredrick, who had stood by impassively through the entire exchange, cleared his throat. "Madame? If I may, the children are upstairs awaiting your adjudication."

She covered her face with her hands. "Oh, the children! What'll I tell them?"

Cook walked over to her and rubbed her back gently. "Tell them the truth, dearie. I oiled the grills and some of it caught fire. It's a half truth, but one that does more good than harm." Heather looked up as she continued. "Sometimes the greater love is to take the sin onto one's self to ease the suffering of others. I'm sure He understands! As for Jack and Erica? The little I got to know them tells me that they would understand, dearie. Better to let their child be a girl for a time than to suffer needlessly."

Standing gracefully, Heather started out of the kitchen. Stopping just short of pushing the door open, she half turned and addressed the woman who'd taken such a great risk for her niece. "I'll deduct the cost of one set of boys clothing from your check..." Pausing a moment, she concluded, "...when Erica decides she's ready to be Eric once more and desires them." At that, she made her way up and to her daughter's room. Knocking gently, she opened the door after a moment to see both of them seated on Faith's bed, looking for all the world like convicted prisoners awaiting sentencing.

Walking into the room slowly, she cleared her throat. "Erica? Are you still intent on professing to be the one responsible for your clothes catching on fire?"

She sighed, gathered her nerve, and looked up at her aunt. "If it'll mean Faith isn't punished for something she didn't do, then yes, Aunt Heather. I did it. I burned up my old clothes."

Seeing the anguish on Faith's face, she walked over to the vanity and sat down. "I know that's not true, Erica. I'm afraid I owe you both an apology. I erred in accusing either of you. The fire was not your fault."

Both children looked up at her, astonished that a grown-up was apologizing to children. Finally, Faith asked, "What happened, Mamma?"

Her mother sighed before telling her half-truth. "It seems Cook got some inflammable oil on the oven grills. It became too hot and caught fire." Looking over at the two relieved children, she sighed apologetically. "Oh, girls! I'm so sorry I accused you falsely! Can you ever forgive me?"

Immediately, both got up and hugged her, each in turn offering their forgiveness. Faith cried, telling her mother about the wish she'd made, making her think she had done it. After a brief exchange of tears, hugs, and kisses on the cheek, Heather looked at her young charge.

"Erica? I want to ask you something and I expect you to tell me the truth." she intoned seriously. Gathering her nerve, Heather remembered what Cook said and just hoped to providence that this was the right course of action. "Do you want to stay living as Erica for a while? I mean a long while? Before you answer, I want you to know that I hope the answer is yes! I have to admit, you do look like your mother when she was your age, and it brings me great comfort to feel a little of her presence in my home again!"

Erica looked confused, unsure if the offer was some sort of trick. Taking a chance, she asked, "Do you mean it, Aunt Heather? It would be OK if I stayed Erica? Even once the roads are open?"

Heather smiled back at her genuinely. "Yes, Erica! I really mean it!"

Throwing her arms around her aunt, feeling jubilation at the idea of no longer being 'Eric the orphan boy' and becoming a kind of reincarnation of her own mother. "Yes, Aunt Heather! I would like to stay Erica!"

Hugging her new niece, she felt Faith hug them both while they hugged each other. "Oh, thank you, Mamma! I just know Erica will be happy here!"

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

--

Erica awoke slowly, stretching her body and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Next to her, Faith lay sleeping. The room had an odd quality to it as she unwrapped herself from Faith's warm clinginess. Sitting up, she dropped her feet into the slippers that Faith had given her the night before. Crossing the floor toward the window in her borrowed nightgown, she'd finally noticed that the howling wind had subsided leaving an eerie silence to sit over the house. She'd become so accustomed to the howl of the storm, its absence left a void in the perceptions of her surroundings. Peaking out the window, Erica saw something she'd never seen before. Awestruck, she stood in wonderment at the beauty of the sight before her.

Everywhere she looked glistened with the sparkle of fresh fallen snow from the light of the waning three-quarter moon still in the western sky. She'd seen pictures of snow and knew what it was, but never before had her own eyes beheld the beauty of a morning draped in crystal and moonlight. Behind her, Erica heard Faith's early morning groans of awakening.

"Faith! Come look!" she cried.

Faith sat up slowly, sleep still blurring her vision. She could see her cousin Erica standing in nothing but her nightgown and slippers next to the window, jumping up and down slightly. Closing her eyes a moment, she moved toward her side of the bed and opened them again as she slid into her own slippers and made her way over to look out the window.

"What is it, Erica?" she managed to get out around a yawn. "What's wrong?" Looking out the window, she saw nothing unusual. "What?"

Erica continued to jump up and down, giddy as a schoolgirl. "It's snow!"

"I know it's snow. What's wrong? You act like you've never seen snow before!" Faith said with a perplexed look.

She shook her head. "I haven't! Isn't it beautiful! I had no idea it could be so... pretty!"

Faith shook her head in disbelief. "How can you go your whole life and never see snow? Don't they have winter in California?"

Shaking her head, Erica looked back outside. "Not like this! Winter there is rainy and muggy! Winter here is... is..." The words escaped her as she tried to encapsulate the beauty of seeing her first snowfall. "...it's breathtaking!"

Her cousin smirked. "Just wait until you have to walk through half a mile of it to get to the bus stop! Then it'll just be cold and wet!"

Even as Faith finished speaking, Erica dashed for the bathroom, grabbed the robe Faith had given her off the back of the bathroom door, threw herself into it, and dashed out the door of their shared room while still tying it shut. Skidding to a stop at the top of the stairs, she went down the steps as fast as her feet could carry her. Reaching the bottom, Theresa intercepted her.

"Hold up there, girl! Where're you off to so fast?" As she spoke, she caught Erica's arm and slowed her race to the door to a stop.

"Oh, Cook! It's snow! Real snow!"

Refusing to release her arm, Cook nodded in understanding. "Yes, dearie... real snow, and it'll still be there after you put on some clothes! You'll catch your death if you go out there dressed in nothing but your nightshirt and slippers!" Looking down at the girl's desperate need to see it for herself, she sighed. "Alright, girl! Just wait a moment and I'll get you a coat and some proper boots and you can go out for just a minute or two, alright?"

Erica could hardly contain herself, but calmed enough to stop trying to pull away and rush to the door. Waiting at the marble bench while Cook went into the closet at the end of the entryway, she looked up to see Heather descending the stairs in a graceful glide of seafoam green chiffon, silk, and lace. Curtsying slightly, Erica turned to her. "Good morning, Aunt Heather! Did you see outside?"

Heather smiled sweetly. "Yes, sweetie. It snowed last night. The way you're taking on you'd think it snowed flakes of pure gold!"

She shook her head. "This is better! I've never seen real snow before!"

Her aunt blinked, then realized the girl never would have, growing up in southern California. Smiling wistfully, she remembered the day she and her husband had bought this home. You were right, Richard! When she saw Theresa bringing over one of Faith's winter coats and fur-lined winter boots, she laughed and asked, "What's all this, then?"

Cook waved her off. "The girl was so anxious to go out and see it for herself, she nearly ran out in nothing but her skivvies. It can do her no harm to see it for herself so long as she's at least a little better dressed for it." She slipped the coat on Erica's arms and started to button it.

Scoffing, Heather shook her head. "Oh, that's nonsense! She can certainly wait until after the sun is up and she's properly dressed and filled with a warm breakfast! The snow isn't going anywhere!"

"You don't understand, Miss. She needs to see it, now, while the wonder's still fresh." Cook continued explaining as she had the newest member of their household sit on the marble bench so she could put the boots on. "Remember when you told me about your first trip to Paris? How you couldn't wait to get out of the airport and set your own eyes on the Eiffel Tower? You nearly got arrested trying to skip the Customs line!"

Heather remembered it like it was yesterday. Smiling, she looked away at some distant place as though she could see right through the world and time itself and look at it once more. "Oh, yes! That was so foolish of me! I was just so excited I couldn't think straight until I'd seen it for myself!" Pausing, she looked over at Cook putting the second boot on Erica. "Oh, but that was different!"

Cook shook her head. "Not to Erica, it isn't. Snow is her Eiffel Tower ma'am, just as wondrous and mystical as that silly collection of iron was to you before you laid eyes on it."

Tilting her head to the side, she gave in. "Oh, very well." Walking over, she crouched and tied one bootlace while Cook tied the other. Smiling up at the giddy girl, she helped her to her feet and led her to the door. "Now just for a minute or two, alright sweetheart? I don't want you out in that cold too long without proper winter clothes to keep you warm and safe. Promise?"

"Yes, Aunt Heather! I promise!" Erica nodded vigorously.

Nodding in acceptance, her aunt opened the door.

Erica stepped out on the front porch, marveling at the awesome beauty of it all, gazing at the beauty of clear moonlight reflecting off every surface with a gleam like a million diamond flakes scattered as far as the eye could see. Hearing the door close behind her, she exhaled and watched her breath condense into a fog that drifted through the air like smoke rings.

A giddy feeling washed over her as she stepped gingerly out into the cold. She could feel the bitter chill of the air on her ankles and slightly up her nightgown, sending a shiver up her spine. Reaching the edge of the porch where the snow had only accumulated lightly, she knelt down until her fingers could touch it. Scooping some up, she felt the coldness of it bite into her delicate fingers, turning them red.

Rolling the snow over in her hand, she marveled at the simple beauty of it. A few flakes broke away and slipped between her fingers, while others melted against her warm skin. Gathering up another handful, she packed it together into a snowball, reared her arm back, and let fly with the first snowball of her life with a squeal of delight. Stretching her arms out, she spun around in the cold like a top, exhilarating in the feeling.

Remembering her promise, she drew her arms back in to cover her chest and slowed her spin until she was facing the door once more and slowly started back inside. The door opened for her and she stepped in to see Fredrick holding the door and everyone else smiling at her. Faith, her aunt Heather, Cook, and even grouchy Franchesca greeted her from her first foray into a winter wonderland.

"Welcome back, Miss Erica." Fredrick intoned with his usual grace and refined dignity as he closed the door. "May I take your coat?"

Letting Fredrick take the coat before walking over to her aunt, Erica flung her arms around the woman before standing on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on her cheek. "Oh thank you, Aunt Heather! It was wonderful! Cold, but wonderful!" As she turned, she saw Cook take a picture of her.

Grinning at Erica as the girl giggled, Cook nodded toward the housemaid. "Franchesca took a movie of you with this thing while you were outside. Lord knows how!"

Franchesca snatched her digital camera back from Theresa. "Fat lot you know! I'm surprised you knew how to take a picture with it!" Turning back to Erica, she almost smiled before returning to her natural grimace. "You just be grateful I took time out of my busy schedule to teach these fools that moments like this are why we invented cameras!"

Erica padded over to Franchesca, slipped her arms around her in a genuine hug, and said softly, "Thank you, Franchesca!"

Stunned, and unused to such overt affection, she stood there numbly for a moment, her arms spread in a wide circle around the new member of the family with her camera in one hand and a dumbfounded look on her face. Finally she closed her arms around Erica and returned the embrace. "You're quite welcome, dear." Releasing her hug, she stepped back, leaving Erica standing there grinning at her. Handing Erica the camera, she said in a snippish tone, "Now don't you go breaking that! You can look at the video and pictures, but then I want you to return it to me post haste! I'll get you a copy of them, when I have time!"

The girl smiled ever wider and said again, "Thank you, Franchesca!"

"You can thank me..." she quipped as she headed up the stairs, "...by keeping your room clean so I don't have to!"

Stepping up next to Erica, Faith joined her in watching Franchesca ascend the stairs. Once she'd disappeared around the corner of the upstairs landing, Faith said, "Wow! She hugged you? She must really like you!"

Everyone except Fredrick giggled at Faith's remark, and even he cracked a half smile, removing it before anyone noticed.

Heather directed Erica back to the bench to remove the boots, while the two young girls looked at the pictures on Franchesca's camera. Once done, Fredrick took the outerwear to put away while Heather directed both girls upstairs to change for breakfast. The two raced upstairs, ran to their now shared wardrobe, and flung the doors open to decide what they should wear.

Erica was torn. On the one hand, she wanted desperately to go out and play in the snow for the first time, which necessitated a warmer winter weight outfit. On the other hand, it would be the first time she could chose a dress to wear for herself and wanted it to be pretty.

Faith made several suggestions before Erica found one dress that she felt could fit both desires. It was a heavier broadcloth, so it was warm and soft to the touch. The design was a simple girl's A-line with mid-length eyelet sleeves, a scoop neck with a V-shaped lace fringed white eyelet collar with a thin pink ribbon woven though the eyelets at the edge. Darts at the waist of the skirt flared to a wide hemline trimmed in a floral lace that came down to mid-calf. The material was patterned in pink and white gingham, giving it an older but very pretty look with the accents. It also had a sash tie at the waist to draw in her figure, which helped to offset the child-like style that would otherwise make Erica look younger than her age.

Once the two girls had picked their outfits, Faith started to undress at her bedside as she always did. Erica blushed as she gathered up her things and started for the bathroom.

"Why are you taking your clothes in the bathroom?" Faith inquired. "I'm going to need that in a few minutes!"

Biting her lower lip, Erica was suddenly very self-conscious of stripping bare in front of her cousin. "Um... I just thought..."

Faith interrupted her stammering. "Just get dressed out here with me! It's warmer out here than in the bathroom!"

Trying to figure a way out of her predicament, Erica dropped the majority of her clothes on the bed except the bra, panties, and slip. Taking just those into the bathroom, she stated, "I'll be out in a minute or two!" and closed the door behind her. Undressing quickly and dropping her dirty clothes in the wicker hamper, she donned her undergarments as fast as she could manage. While struggling with the bra, a gentle knock came at the door.

"Are you almost done in there?" Faith asked.

Struggling with the training bra, she answered brokenly. "Just... give... me... another... minute!" she panted.

While Erica continued to struggle, the door cracked open. Seeing her cousin facing away from her and having so much trouble, Faith entered the bathroom and came up behind her. "Here, let me help." she said blandly.

Erica nearly jumped out of her skin as Faith spoke and suddenly, without any warning, started pulling at the straps of her borrowed training bra. "Yeeeaaahhhh!" she cried out.

Her eyes widened and Faith stepped back, startled at the reaction. "Erica! You scared me!"

Having nearly climbed the far wall over the pedestal sink, Erica slowly slid back down. "I scared you? You about scared the life out of me, Faith!"

Undaunted, Faith put her hands on Erica's shoulders, spun her around to face the sink, grabbed the back of the training bra, and pulled it down. Smoothing out the twists in the shoulder straps, she bade Erica turn around to face her. Seeing Erica blushing profusely as Faith straightened out the cups of the bra against Erica's non-existent breasts, she smiled shyly and tried to console her cousin. "I know you don't have anything up front, Erica. It's no secret! It's also nothing to be ashamed of! Lots of girls our age haven't started to develop yet! You're still the prettiest girl I know!"

Feeling her heart in her throat as Faith futzed with the bra overly long, Erica just stood there like a silly lump and let her do whatever she wanted.

"Take your slip out with you. I need the bathroom." she demanded. "I'll be out in a few minutes to help you get dressed!"

Erica grabbed the slip and stepped out sideways to avoid bumping into Faith, facing away from her the entire time. After stepping back into their shared room, she went over to the bed. Deciding to wait on the slip as it would make putting on tights more difficult, she picked up the white tights and sat at the vanity.

Following the example her aunt set the morning before, she started putting them on. She was just pulling them up over her rear when she heard the toilet flush and the sink faucet turn on. Hurrying, she dashed over to the bed and grabbed the slip, pulling it over her head just as the bathroom door opened and Faith returned to their bedroom.

Smiling as she passed Erica, Faith picked up Erica's dress, unzipped the back, and held it up as high as she could. "OK. Put your arms up and step in." she instructed.

Faith's shorter stature conspired with Erica's lack of experience at putting on dresses, making her lean too far forward trying to push her arms up the dress and into the sleeves. Losing her balance, Erica fell into her cousin, knocking Faith back and onto their bed while she slipped down the side.

Mortified, Erica could scarcely move, now trapped by her awkward position, the side of the bed, and Faith's legs. For her part, Faith found the entire situation hysterical and began giggling, which did nothing to help Erica's embarrassment. After a moment, Erica felt Faith's legs move off her back, finally freeing her to be able to stand once more, albeit with some difficulty as her arms were still trapped sticking straight up in the bodice.

"Here. Let me help." smiled Faith. Coming around behind Erica, she put her hands on Erica's waist, steadying her until she could stand on her own. Taking the sides of the hem in each hand, she tugged the dress down until it settled into place and Erica could lower her arms. After she closed the zipper up the back, Faith suggested, "Maybe next time we should just try having you step into the dress. You can't do that when you're wearing a petticoat, but this dress has crinoline built in, so you can just step into it."

"Why didn't you say that before?" Erica giggled lightly.

She paused in the middle of tying the sashes into a bow. "I guess I just didn't think of it. Can you grab the knot with your fingers so I can pull it tight?"

Reaching behind her back, Erica fumbled around until Faith directed her hand to where the loose knot was. Pinching it, Faith drew the sashes together, tightening the dress around Erica's waist and narrowing it like a corset. "Does it have to be so tight?" Erica begged.

"Yup." Tightening the bow in place Faith said, "OK, you can let go now." Fiddling with the bow for another minute she exclaimed, "There! All nice and pretty! Now you can help me, and then we'll do each other's hair!"

She followed Faith around to the side of the bed nearest the vanity, the one they agreed would be 'Faith's side'. Watching her cousin walk ahead of her in nothing but her undergarments gave Erica a funny feeling. The swish of her own dress's crinoline against her legs as she walked seemed to make it even more acute. Holding her belly she noted, "I wonder if I might be getting sick. I feel sort of queasy."

Faith immediately stopped and turned around to face Erica. Putting the back of her hand against Erica's brow, she waited a moment before putting a hand on Erica's left chest, just over the training bra. "Well, you sort of feel warm to me, your cheeks are flushed, and your heart is beating like a rabbit! You should tell Mamma."

Erica's eyes grew wide. "But she might make me stay inside! I just can't, Faith! Not today!"

"I guess I understand." Faith shrugged. "I think if I were in California and about to take my first trip to see the Pacific Ocean, I wouldn't want to tell Mamma I was feeling ill." Turning back to finish walking to her side of the bed, she picked up her tights, donned them in seconds standing in place, and then dropped her slip over her head. "What are you going to do?"

Erica noticed that once she was focused on the snow outside, her stomach quieted down, her cheeks felt cooler, and she couldn't feel her heartbeat in her neck anymore. "That's weird! It's OK! I'm starting to feel better."

Looking back at her cousin with a smirk, Faith picked up her own dress. "Uh-huh! Suuuure! I promise I won't tell!"

While Faith stepped into her dress, Erica came up behind her to help the same way Faith had. "No, seriously. Maybe it was falling down and getting frustrated that made me feel sick. I feel fine, now." Erica zipped up Faith's pale blue dress with Faith holding her long blonde curls away from the back of her neck. She watched as Faith spun in place and kissed her on the cheek with a giddy smile.

"Thanks, Erica!" she sung. Faith watched as Erica's cheeks, which just moments ago were indeed no longer flushed red, blushed again and she could almost see Erica's pulse rise on her thin neck. Puzzled, she cocked her head to one side again. "OK, that is weird! You did look fine for a second, then when I kissed you, you got all red and flustered..." Stopping mid-sentence, her eyes grew wide and a smile crept back across her pink lips. "Are you embarrassed that I kissed you?"

The slightly younger girl shook her head as she walked over to the vanity once more. "Not really embarrassed... it's just..." She searched for the right words as she took her seat. Faith came up behind her, picked up the brush, and started brushing out Erica's dirty-blonde hair.

An eternity passed while Faith waited for Erica to explain her reaction before Faith offered her own. "Come to think of it, you were like that when I was helping you get dressed. You got all red then too, which was before I kissed you."

Erica shrugged as Faith worked on a knot in her hair. "Like I said... it's not embarrassed... it's... something else. I don't know what it is, but it happens whenever I see a pretty girl."

Swallowing hard, Faith stopped brushing. "You... you think I'm pretty?"

Looking in the mirror at her cousin, Erica nodded. "Sure! You're more than pretty! You're beautiful!"

This time it was Faith's turn to blush and get a fluttery feeling. Looking down and feeling shy, she replied, "You're just saying that!"

Erica shook her head and turned to face Faith directly, looking up at the blonde girl with a slightly dreamy expression. "Oh no, Faith! I really mean it! I think you're about the most beautiful girl I've ever known! Even prettier than..." As she spoke, a wave of sadness crashed over her entire being as the memory of the night before came back into her mind.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

Clarification: The entire first part of this chapter is a traumatic flashback.

--

Erica bounded into the living room, gay as a lark. It was just before six o'clock and she knew April would be home from school by now. "Aunt Heather? It's almost six. I know it will be time for dinner soon, but before dinner, can I call my friend April and let her know I'm OK?"

Her aunt Heather sighed. "May you call her..." she corrected.

She calmed herself and rephrased her request. "Before dinner, may I call my friend April and let her know I arrived safely?"

Still getting used to the bubbly little girl before her who stood in stark contrast to the broken and lifeless boy she'd met less than a full day earlier, Heather conceded. "Very well, but please keep it brief. This is not a cell phone. Long distance calls cost money, and I won't have you making dinner late."

"I promise, Aunt Heather! Just a quick word to say high and let her know I'm alright." Pausing she asked, "If I give April your phone number and tell when it's OK to call, she can call here and it won't cost anything, right?"

Heather disliked giving out her phone number to strangers, but she determined that giving it to a child could do little harm. "Very well, Erica. The number is on the telephone. Please tell her not to call during meal times or after eight thirty. Is that clear?"

Curtsying slightly, Erica replied with a smile. "Yes, Aunt Heather. May I call her now?"

With a simple nod from her aunt, Erica stopped herself from squealing and running across the room to the old style rotary telephone. She'd never seen one before and found its use charming and elegant. Over the last several hours, she'd reconciled the details of her life. She was Erica Hargrave, her own mother. After she died of leukemia, to keep her child from being alone, she'd been reborn into 'his' mind. Now they were simply one girl.

Making herself cross the room at a walk, she sat gently on the couch, lifted the receiver, and started to dial April's cell phone number. She was dismayed when it gave a message that the number was no longer in service. Hanging up, she dialed April's home number and waited as it began to ring. She waited nervously as the phone rang and was startled slightly when she heard the other end pick up.

"Hello?" April's mother said.

"H-hello Mrs. Stone. Is April there?" Erica asked nervously.

The voice on the phone seemed irritated. "Who's calling?" she asked.

Being her own mother, the 'boy' April only ever knew as Eric, and Erica, she wasn't sure how to answer. Barely managing to stammer out a reply, she said, "It's Eric...a Dunning."

Listening, she heard April's mother say, "It's that Dunning boy!" to someone, then the sound of the receiver being passed around, followed by a strong masculine voice.

"This is April's father, Eric." he boomed. "We don't think it would be a good idea for you to talk to April."

Erica felt her heart drop. "W-why, sir? Is she sick?" Thoughts of losing her best friend not only to distance but also illness or death flooded Erica's mind, nearly driving her mad at the thought of losing yet another part of her old life.

"Now listen here, boy." April's father growled as Erica listened in stunned silence. "We put up with your dead-beat butt for six months! Fed you, clothed you, paid for your school supplies, and we never even got half of that back from your mom's probate!"

As she listened in shock, she heard April's mother. "Dear! That's not the boy's fault! Just tell him what we talked about and hang up before April hears and comes down!"

Finally, he lowered the axe. "I know what happened isn't your fault boy, but April's been a wreck since you left! In time, she'll get over it and forget all about you. You talking to her will just drag it out longer. It's best if you just go about the rest of your life your own way and let April go hers. You'll never see each other again anyway, so best to make a clean break of it and stop ruining her future by making her cling to a wimp like you!"

Pausing a moment, there was some concealed conversation before he finished his cruel one-sided conversation. "Oh, and don't try emailing her, texting her, or calling her. We've had all that changed. So good riddance and don't call here again!"

Hearing the connection terminate, Erica dropped the receiver as tears began streaking down her shocked face.

Seeing the stunned and hurt look on Erica's face, Heather raced to her side. Returning the receiver to its cradle, she asked, "What happened, dear? Is she alright?" While she generally tried not to eavesdrop, she couldn't help but overhear Erica asking about April being ill.

Erica turned to her aunt and buried her face in her loving shoulder, the older woman taking the girl up in her arms as she began to cry like a baby.

Worried that the damaged child had been made to endure yet another trauma, all she could do was rock her in her arms and pet her head, telling her, "It'll be OK, sweetie! I'm here! Just let it all out!"

She cried for a full ten minutes, Faith standing in the living room the whole time, waiting to find out what happened. Fredrick merely stood impassively next to the entryway to the dining room, waiting for things to settle out before his employer would give the word for the delayed dinner to start. When the ordeal had begun, he'd taken it upon himself to tell Cook that dinner would be late and that something was terribly wrong with the newest member of their household.

As she sobbed, she whispered to herself, "I'm Erica Hargrave!" over and over, unaware that her aunt could hear her. Finally, the tears dried up and Erica was so numb she couldn't cry anymore. Leaning back, she eventually said between sobs, "I'm... s-sorry, Aunt H-Heather. I... I... didn't m-mean... to g-get... you... all w-wet... and m-make... dinner l-late!"

Heather consoled the devastated youth. "Oh, don't worry about that, sweetheart! You're much more important than my dress or dinner. Now, can you tell me what happened?"

While Erica told the tale, Faith just stood by in wide-eyed horror. Fredrick remained standing impassively, but was nearly overcome with the desire to find these heathens and teach the man of the house a lesson in what it feels like to have your heart broken by breaking a few of his ribs. Theresa had entered just as the story began and couldn't contain her tears. Even the frosty Franchesca, standing at the top of the stairs and listening, was moved so much that she couldn't bear to hear the whole thing and ran off before she could be seen crying her eyes out.

She managed to finish the tale just as the crying began anew. "And then he... he said n-never... to call back a-again... and h-hung up! I... I... I n-never... even g-got... to s-say g-goodbye... to h-her!" Resuming her place on her aunt's shoulder, she continued to cry for some time. Meanwhile, Faith slowly walked up to her mother and cousin and gently placed her hand on Erica's arm, just so the girl would know that she was there.

Eventually, the tears subsided once more and Fredrick was ready. Handing Mrs. Hargrave tissues for herself, Erica, and Faith, he returned to stand next to the doorway alongside Cook, handing a tissue to her as well so she would stop using her apron.

After the crying ebbed, Heather addressed Fredrick and Cook. "I'm afraid we'll have to postpone dinner once more. I apologize for the inconvenience it may cause you two."

Fredrick spoke for them both. "Think nothing of it, Madame. I took the liberty as I could see there were more important matters to deal with."

"Thank you, Fredrick." Heather replied. "Now, Erica. There's nothing I can say that will make this better right now. Just know that in time, you won't feel the hurt so badly anymore. It will never go away, but you will survive it and one day it will be bearable!"

She understood her aunt was trying to help, but nothing seemed to make the pain lessen. "I know, A-Aunt Heather. Th-Thank you. It just h-hurts so bad th-that I couldn't e-even t-tell her I w-was OK! She'll n-never know!"

Heather petted her head gently. "I know, sweetheart! I know! I wish I could fix it for you!"

Smiling weakly, Faith offered, "Couldn't you write her a letter?"

The devastated youth shook her head, her tear-soaked cheeks making her shiver. "No. Her parents would see who it was from before she ever got it."

Crestfallen, Faith's voice turned sullen. "Oh."

Eventually, after getting cleaned up, the three solemnly headed for the dining room. Erica was impassive and vacant, eating only when reminded to and even then just enough to satisfy her aunt. Finally, after Faith had been done for nearly ten minutes, Heather said, "Well, I guess that's enough for tonight. Maybe your appetite will return in the morning."

She looked down at her plate, feeling guilty that she failed to eat the meal given to her. I don't think I'll ever be hungry again! she mused. Not wanting to upset her kind and gracious aunt, she nodded weakly and said, "Yes, Aunt Heather. May I be excused?"

Erica felt her chair being pulled away from the table and then felt a heavy hand on her shoulder. Looking up at Fredrick's impassive face, she took the other offered hand and let him help her stand. Slowly, she followed her aunt back into the living room with Faith taking her hand as they walked side by side behind Heather.

Her aunt sat on the loveseat as usual and Faith let go of Erica's hand, hugged her mother, kissed her cheek, and said simply, " I love you, Mamma."

Returning the hug and kiss with much more care and affection than normal, she replied, "I love you too, Faith. Very much!"

Slowly shuffling up to her aunt, Erica resumed her place where she'd spent so long crying before dinner. Hugging her earnestly, as though she were the last person on Earth, Erica could hardly make herself let go. Finally, she released her aunt, kissed her on the cheek, and said with every good feeling she had left, "Thank you, Aunt Heather. I love you so much!"

Heather nearly burst into tears herself, seeing the desperate love, adoration, and gratitude young Erica showered on her. "Oh, sweetheart! I love you, too! I'll be up in a while to tuck you both in, OK?"

She bathed in the guest bathroom, just as she had the first night. Before the fateful call it had been decided, mostly by Faith, that Erica and she should share the girl's room from then on. Though her mother was hesitant to agree, Faith got her way by asking questions and refusing to accept an answer that was essentially, 'because you're not supposed to' or 'it's just not done that way'. Lacking any valid reason to keep the two separate, and since Faith's wardrobe was going to have to be shared by the two for a time, putting them in one room was just the logical choice.

The only concession Faith made was at bath time. Since both needed to bathe at the same time, it was decided that Erica would bathe in the guest bathroom, while Faith continued to use her own. Even Faith had to admit that seeing her cousin completely naked was 'bad', which itself took half an hour to get her to admit, without explicitly stating why.

While Erica finished washing, she noticed the hair on her legs was growing slightly noticeable. Taking the lady's razor, she shaved her legs for the first time, enjoying the smooth feel of them when she was done.

Pulling the plug on the tub, she stepped out and dried off, making sure to wrap her hair in a towel the way she'd seen her mother and Faith do. Her hair was just long enough to make it stay, and she felt quite grown up as she pulled on her fresh panties, nightgown, and robe. Slipping her feet into her slippers, she deposited the towels and dirty laundry in the hamper, the dress she'd worn that day having already been taken off in their bedroom where she'd donned her robe and slippers.

Shuffling her way to her shared bedroom, she was pleased to see Faith was only just then coming out of the bathroom herself. Concerned that she'd taken too long to get clean, she was content at least to know that she'd not dawdled. The two girls were solemn as they got into bed after drying their hair as best as they could and then brushing each other's hair out in silence. A few minutes after they got in bed, the door opened and Faith's mother again glided in to share prayers with her two girls.

Faith looked over at Erica sadly before saying her silent prayer. After she said "Amen.", she and her mother turned to Erica.

The girl simply sat there, impassively staring off into empty space, her pain acute and raw. She felt cold and alone, certain now that even if there was a God, He was a cruel and sadistic monster that enjoyed watching people suffer in torment.

Heather cleared her throat. Once Erica looked over at her she said, "Erica? Won't you say your prayers?"

She bridled at the suggestion that she bow in supplication to a God that would let her suffer so much pain and loss. "Why? So He can kick me in the teeth again?"

Faith's eyes widened as her mother shook her head solemnly. "So you're going to blame God for the actions of two foolish parents?"

Feeling the wind knocked out of her sails, Erica was prepared to fight her aunt, but she'd just made an unassailable point. I'm not really mad at God, I guess, not for this anyway. Directing her thoughts at the Creator, she shouted in her mind. Letting my mother die for no good reason is enough reason to hate You! I don't need to blame You for April's parents being cruel! Though You supposedly made them that way, right? You made everything!

Feeling guilty for shouting at God while her wonderfully kind aunt waited, she decided it would do no harm to please her, laced her fingers together, closed her eyes, and pretended to pray. After what she thought was enough time she simply said, "Amen." quietly, opened her eyes, and looked at her aunt while smiling weakly.

Sighing as she guessed that Erica was just humoring her, she accepted the old adage. Fake it 'till you make it. Smiling back, she bade both girls to lay down. Once they were settled, she kissed them on the forehead, first Faith and then Erica. Pausing as she sat on the bedside next to her niece, she tried to soothe the young girl's aching soul.

"You know, I remember when I went away to college, I had a best friend, too. Her name was Lydia and she and I did everything together, but her parents wanted her to go to Columbia, while I was headed to Stanford. I used to be so mad at them for breaking up our friendship, but it turned out for the best. When Lydia and I were together, we didn't need anyone else! If she had gone to Stanford with me, I would probably have never gone to the party where I met your uncle Richard."

Erica wasn't sure what her aunt was driving at. Finally she asked, "So now you're glad they split you up?"

The older woman shook her head in the dim light of the moon coming through the window. "No, not glad per say, but I'm not mad at them for it anymore. Because you see, we don't know why things have to happen the way they do. We just aren't smart enough to see the future and know what good things can come from the bad things." Pausing, she stood up and concluded, "And who are we to say that the bad outweighs the good? After all, if you hadn't needed to come here, we would never have been able to know and love you, Erica."

The devastated girl felt a tear roll down her cheek as her aunt kissed her on the forehead and walked to the door. As she looked over at her aunt silhouetted by the dim gaslights in the hallway, she heard her say, "Goodnight, girls. Pleasant dreams and may God bless."

"Erica?" Faith asked, wondering why her cousin had suddenly become so sullen. Going back over their conversation, Faith realized Erica had been about to say that she was prettier than April, reminding her cousin of the heartbreak of the previous evening. "Oh, Erica!" Moving around behind her again, Faith began to brush out her cousin's hair, still damp from the previous night's bath, until she was ready to put the wig on.

Thinking of how to cheer her up, Faith smiled. "Hey, Erica? I think you have really pretty hair. Maybe when we can get to town, Mamma can get your hair dyed and you can have your own hair just like your mamma's!"

Perking up and breaking from the depressing lows of the previous evening, Erica looked at her cousin's reflection. "What was that, Faith?"

She pulled the red play wig over Erica's head, settling it in place and tucking little strands of dirty-blonde hair out of sight before inserting the bobby pins to hold it in place. "I was saying that maybe once we can get to town, Mamma can get your hair dyed the same color as this hair."

Looking in the mirror, once more Erica saw the vision of her young mother. Smiling she tried to imagine her own hair the same shade of red as her mother's without having to wear it. "I would like that!" she purred.

Once Faith finished settling Erica's hair in place, they switched and Erica followed Faith's instructions as to how to brush and style her hair. She found the experience relaxing and fun. Faith's hair was very fine and naturally curly, so using only a curling brush, she managed to restore most of Faith's curls. As she was nearing completion, her aunt entered their shared room after a light knock on the door.

"Well!" she complimented. "You've done a very nice job, Erica! Now I don't have to tend to Faith's hair in the mornings!"

Her daughter stood as soon as Erica finished. "Mamma? I thought of a way to thank her!"

She smiled down suspiciously at her suddenly generous daughter. "And how is that, dear?"

Looking back at Erica she said, "I think we should get her hair colored the same as her mamma's was!"

Heather looked at Erica's reaction and saw her smile at the prospect. "Well, we'll see. Until the roads open once more, it's a moot point, though."

"I know." Faith nodded. "I just think she would look a lot better with her own hair that color. Don't you think so, Mamma?"

Her mother regarded her niece, not wanting to commit her to a change that would have lasting effects should she decide that she was ready to move on from her escape. "Yes, I think it would be most becoming, but then I think we can also do a lot with her natural hair color. Dark blonde hair with the proper style can be very pretty!" Walking up to Erica she asked, "What would you like, sweetie?"

Blushing, she looked down and fidgeted with her fingers. "I do like it most when my hair is this color, Aunt Heather." Toying with the hair tickling her neck she added, "But this wig can get awful itchy sometimes!"

Laughing lightly, she took both girls in her arms. "Come on you two! Lets go down for breakfast and afterward we'll get you two set up to go out and enjoy the first snow of the season!" Starting toward the door, she noticed Erica's dress. "That dress is lovely on you, sweetie. Did Faith pick it out?"

Erica shook her head as they entered the hall. "No, Aunt Heather. I did!"

Walking slowly toward the staircase, she smiled. "Well, I think it shows you have wonderful taste!" As they descended the stairs, she noted absently, "Once the roads are clear, our first priority will be to get you some new clothes, Erica. Have you thought about what you'd like?"

Slowing as she followed Faith and her aunt down the steps, after a moment of gathering her courage, she resumed their pace and replied. "I was thinking some dresses, not the same as Faith's, but different? I mean, Faith looks great in her dresses, and I don't think she should change her style at all, but I think I'd like some things that are... um... different, Aunt Heather. I don't know how to describe it. I guess I'll know it when I see it."

Reaching the base of the stairs, her aunt nodded. "Very well. I'll think on it."

After an uneventful breakfast, old music emanating from the restored Victrola in the kitchen, the three sat in the living room once more, her aunt seated on the loveseat and the two girls seated on the couch. After settling in, Heather asked, "So you think you will want to stay Erica for a while?" It was the first time since her aunt agreed to let her be a girl that she'd broached the subject of how long she wanted to stay that way.

Faith put her hands on her hips, giving her a furious look. "Mamma!"

Heather held up a hand to forestall Faith's objections. "Now dear, I have no intention of pushing Erica into anything, but she must get her own clothes. She cannot just continue to wear yours. True?"

She looked back at her mother suspiciously. "Yes, but..."

Once more she stopped her daughter's retort. "...but I must know Erica's intentions... not yours." She paused to let it sink in before returning to her sweet mothering tone. "Erica is not your plaything, Faith. Circumstances demanded Erica dress in your clothes, and she has decided to live with us as Erica... for now. I believe some good can come of it, and hope she decides to stay living as Erica... while it is helpful... but your desire to have a sister should not enter in to her decisions about what is best for her."

Pausing a moment, she collected her thoughts. "I can even say that my love for Erica as she was shouldn't sway her decisions." Heather admitted. "Erica must feel free to make that decision for herself, to determine on her own what she needs to do. I will not have you pushing her to be what you want her to be just to make you happy. Is that clear?"

Faith's anger at her mother for what she felt was pushing Erica to go back to being a boy melted in the face of her own desire to ensure Erica stayed a girl indefinitely. "Yes, Mamma. I'm sorry if I disrespected you. I'll try to do better."

She smiled at her daughter. "I know, dear. You always wanted a sister, and now here you are with a cousin and you want things to stay the way they are, but I must know what Erica's needs are and plan accordingly." Turning to face the girl who'd said nothing during the exchange, she motioned for Erica to come sit next to her.

Standing and gingerly walking over to the loveseat, Erica sat facing her aunt. "Yes, Aunt Heather?"

"Erica sweetheart," Heather began, taking both of Erica's hands in her own, "I know this is difficult, but soon the roads will open again and we'll go into town to buy the things you'll need to live here. I must know how long you want to live here as Erica." Glancing at her daughter she added, "With no pressure either way. Right Faith?"

Standing back up, Faith looked at her cousin solemnly. "Erica? You know I love you just the way you are, and I would love it if you stayed this way, but I'd still love you if you don't."

Her mother smiled and turned back to Erica. "And I'll love you just the same if you stay this way or not. What do you want to do?"

The new girl took a moment before answering. "I think I know, Aunt Heather. I know it's kind of escaping from my troubles, but if it would be alright, I'd like to live here as Erica."

Her aunt smiled. "I know sweetie, but I need to know for how long?"

"I really don't know, Aunt Heather." Erica admitted. "The way I feel right now, I can't see me wanting to ever go back to the way I was." Closing her eyes, she gave it serious thought. After a few moments she opened her eyes and said, "I know you need a time, but the best I can say is that I want stay Erica for as long as you'll let me. Does that help?"

She patted Erica's hand. "It helps enough, sweetheart. I'll plan accordingly. I think I know what you need. Will you trust me on that?"

"Yes, Aunt Heather!" Erica smiled. About to get back up, she sat down again and asked, "Aunt Heather? I know it may be asking a lot, but I really do want to have red hair. May I?"

Sighing, she gave in. "Very well. I'll look into it."

Leaping into the air, Faith cried, "Yippee!"

Her mother tried to be stern with her, ordering her to sit back down, but her jubilance was too infectious and could not be contained. Soon the three were laughing and, after a moment, Heather rose to her feet. "Well girls, I have some things to attend to, and you two have a field full of untouched snow waiting for you!"

This time it was Erica's turn to jump up, but in her case it was to head to the closet for her outerwear. About to run past her aunt, Erica doubled back and hugged her. "Thank you, Aunt Heather!" At that, she practically skipped over to the front door as Fredrick waited to assist with coats and boots.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

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Erica stepped out onto the front porch again, this time fully decked out in dress, tights, bloomers, coat, scarf, hat, mittens, boots, and a burning desire to run out into the front yard, plow through the knee-deep snow, and bury herself in it. Carefully making her way down the front steps, Faith by her side, she still couldn't help but giggle at the sense of wonder she felt experiencing her first snowfall.

Now that the sun was up, the magical beauty of the fresh snowfall was magnified a thousand times, turning every tree branch and rock into a dazzling display of twinkling brightness. Blinking against the blinding whiteness of the sun, Erica was awestruck with every step.

Reaching the bottom of the steps that Fredrick cleared before breakfast, Erica couldn't contain her excitement any longer and ran to the closest drift of snow she could find. Wading into it, she giggled as she flopped backwards into it, relishing the feel, even as cold as it was.

Right behind her cousin, Faith yelled, "Erica! Wait for me!" Watching Erica drop into the snow giggling, she giggled as well. "Oh, Erica! Now you're all snowy and wet!"

"I don't care!" she retorted between giggles. "This is like magic!"

Jogging up to stand next to her prone cousin, Faith held out a mittened hand. "Come on! Let's go make snow angels!"

Pulling herself up with the offered hand, she followed Faith around to the north side of the house opposite the garage where the lawn lay dormant beneath the untouched snow. Erica watched as Faith lay down and splayed her arms and legs out, wiping them back and forth until she had carved out a perfect snow angel. Helping Faith back up, Erica looked down at the pattern and smiled.

"That's pretty neat! Let me try!" she said through her smile. Finding a clear patch next to Faith's angel, she lay down just as Faith had done and repeated the process, getting up to admire the two patterns with their apparent hands joined together. Spending the next ten minutes making more, they finally looked back on their works of art.

Erica looked at her cousin. "That was so much fun! What else can we do?"

She shrugged. "We could build a snowman!"

Nodding vigorously, the two spent the next half-hour rolling snow and stacking it into a body and head. Using rocks for eyes and loose sticks for arms, Erica made a smile out of gravel from the driveway before taking off her scarf and wrapping it around the neck. The two girls laughed at the sight as it was barely half their height, lumpy, goofy looking, and not at all what you see in movies and TV shows, but so much better because they'd made it. They laughed so hard their sides ached when they noticed the rock eyes made it look cross-eyed.

Starting back to the house, Erica noticed how wet they both were. "Aunt Heather isn't going to be mad at us for getting wet, is she?" she chattered through cold lips.

Faith turned around and walked backwards through the snow toward their front door. "Mamma said we could go out in the snow, she knows that means getting wet, and cold. Cook will probably have hot cocoa for us to drink in front of the fire so we can get warm again!"

"It sure is cold! I bet it stays this cold until spring, huh?"

Her cousin turned back around to see where she was going. "It might not. Sometimes we get a snow like this and the next week it'll turn warm and melt everything, but we'll get more snow by Christmas, that's for sure."

Reaching the foot of the steps leading up to the front door, Erica watched Faith stamp her feet and wipe her arms and sides of her coat to remove the snow. Doing the same, she helped wipe snow off of parts of her cousin that she couldn't reach as Faith did the same in return.

"Hey, Erica?" Faith asked while she was getting brushed off. "Do you know what you want to be for Halloween? It's this Sunday, only three days away!"

Shrugging, Erica finished brushing Faith off. "Nothing, I guess. I haven't dressed up for Halloween in years. That's for little kids."

Turning, Faith looked at Erica with a hurt expression. "Oh. Never mind."

Seeing she'd accidentally hurt Faith's feelings, Erica apologized. "Faith? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to..." Even as she spoke, she watched Faith ascend the steps in a sullen waddle. "Faith! Come back! I'm sorry!"

Hurt turning to childish anger, Faith spun around, looked back at her cousin, and spat her reply. "Well, maybe in California it's for little kids, but here it's for everyone!"

Erica moved slowly up the steps towards her. "I'm really sorry, Faith! I didn't know you liked Halloween so much!"

"Erica, that was mean!" Faith crossed her arms. "I'm not a little kid and I love to dress up for Halloween! Even Mamma does, and we have lots of fun at the Halloween party!"

Hanging her head, Erica stopped on the steps. "Faith, I swear I didn't mean to make you feel bad! Back home, almost nobody does Trick-or-Treat... except little kids. They don't even go to people's houses anymore! They have Trick-or-Treat at the mall. I didn't know it was different here! Will you please forgive me?"

Looking at her cousin warily, Faith judged her explanation as if to search for hints of lies in it. Satisfied Erica was sincere, she uncrossed her arms and nodded. "Well, OK." Her sullen expression slowly breaking into a smile, Faith giggled. "I can't really stay mad at you anyway, Erica!"

She finished climbing the steps and hugged her slightly older cousin. "Thank you, Faith! I really am sorry. I'll try not to assume so much in the future. It's just... really different here."

They took each other's hands and walked up to the door, which opened for them as they approached.

"Welcome back, Miss Faith, Miss Erica." Fredrick greeted them. "Did you quite enjoy yourselves?"

"Quite!" Erica nodded with a grin. "Thank you, Fredrick!"

"You should call him Freddie, like I do, Erica." Faith offered as she sat down on the marble bench to take off her boots. "I think he likes it!"

She looked up at the huge man and noticed only the slightest remnants of a smile fading to his normally emotionless expression.

"As you like, Miss Faith." he replied. "However, I should say that Miss Erica should be free to refer to me as she prefers."

Thinking as Fredrick helped her out of her coat, Erica turned and looked up at him. "I'd like to call you whatever you like."

Fredrick raised an eyebrow in surprise, having never been asked what he liked to be called. Thinking honestly a moment, he looked down at the child before him. "I think I like you referring to me by my full first name, Miss Erica. It seems to suit you."

Smiling, Erica stood tall and tried to sound formal and dignified as best she could. "Then Fredrick it shall be. Thank you for helping me with my coat, Fredrick!"

"My pleasure, Miss Erica." he replied with only the slightest hint of a smile. He found it odd that he was actually beginning to think of Erica as a young girl, but he understood it was what she needed to be for now. Guiding her to the marble bench, he knelt and helped both girls off with their boots and mittens before helping them put on their indoor shoes. Looking around briefly, he asked, "What has happened to your scarf, Miss Erica?" The mention of its absence caused both girls to giggle at the memory of their ridiculous looking snowman that now wore it.

Making their way into the living room, the two saw pillows and a blanket placed in front of the fire. Rushing forward, stopping at the fireplace for a moment to warm their hands, they sat on the pillows just as Cook came out of the dining room with a tray. Lowering it down so they could each take a steaming cup of cocoa, she smiled at the girls.

"Did you have fun Erica?" Theresa asked.

Nodding, she smiled. "Don't you know it! I didn't know it could be so much fun to do something as simple as making a snowman!"

Leaning in next to her cousin, Faith bumped shoulders with her, giggling conspiratorially as she sipped her cocoa. Repeating the process over and over, she kept bumping shoulders with Erica as the girl described her first time playing in the snow to Cook and her aunt. Finally, she'd managed to irritate her cousin after five or six bumps.

"What?" Erica fumed, turning to look at her just as Faith crossed her eyes and grinned like an idiot, mimicking their snowman. Erica stifled a laugh, her ire loosing out to her funny bone. Finally, the two were forced to put their cups down, rolling on the floor and giggling like crazy.

Their giggle fit was infectious as both Cook and Heather couldn't help but chortle at the two of them, the room filled with the sound of giggling girls. Even the unflappable Fredrick couldn't help but let out a few repressed chuckles before composing himself as he entered the room.

When Heather saw Fredrick standing and waiting for her attention, she asked through her mirth, "What is it Fredrick?"

With only the faintest hint of a smile and a glance at the two laughing hyenas in front of the fire, he bowed slightly. "Madame, I wish to inform you that the main highway is open once more. I will have the driveway cleared within the next thirty minutes."

His news halted the laughter at once as Faith rolled over on her stomach to look back at him. "So soon?" she asked.

"Yes, Miss Faith." Fredrick nodded curtly. Knowing what the girl was thinking from experience, he added, "Though I do believe school is still unlikely to be resumed until Monday the first, at the soonest. Too many in the area are still snowbound."

"Thank you, Fredrick." Heather nodded in understanding. Turning to Erica, she could see mild fear in the girl's eyes. Having already considered how to proceed, she smiled at her niece. "Erica? Are you ready to come with me into town to get some clothes of your own?"

Faced with the prospect of leaving her safe and loving environment, Erica gulped as she shook her head slightly. "Do I have to, Aunt Heather?"

Looking at Cook, Fredrick, and then Faith, she cleared her throat. Without a word, all three knew at once that she wanted to be alone with her niece.

Erica watched as Faith stood up and grudgingly left for the kitchen with Cook and Fredrick. Standing, she walked over to her aunt where she beckoned Erica with a patting of the loveseat's cushion. Nervously, she sat down as Heather turned to face her.

"Erica, I know you're happy here, and you're happy being you." she began. "Is there something keeping you from wanting to go with me into town?"

Fidgeting with her fingers, Erica was terrified to say out loud what she was feeling. After a moment, her aunt took her hands to quiet their restlessness. Without a word, she looked into her aunt's vibrantly blue eyes and wished that Heather could read her mind so she didn't have to say it out loud.

"I see." her aunt said, knowingly. "You're scared that people will 'know' and that you'll be made fun of, aren't you?"

Tears welling up in her eyes were Erica's only response.

"Oh, sweetheart!" her aunt consoled, drawing her into a comforting hug. Holding her lovingly for a few minutes to quell her fears, she finally pulled back and regarded her niece. "How about this. Before we go shopping, I'll take you to a friend of mine who runs a beauty salon. Her name is Brooke Hathaway and she lives just a short way down the road. I can call her up and I'm sure she'll be happy to help you feel much more comfortable as Erica so no one will know. Would that be alright?"

Drying her eyes with a tissue, Erica nodded. Curious, she asked, "Did... did she used to be Uncle Richard's friend?"

Surprised by her niece's knowledge of Brooke's connection to her late husband, she was stunned speechless for a moment. Finally she asked, "How do you know about that?"

Sniffing, Erica shrugged. "Faith told me that a lady that lives nearby named Brooke was in the war with her daddy."

Heather smiled sadly. "Yes, she was in the service with Richard. She and your Uncle Richard were very close friends for many years! Brooke was also a very dear friend to your father and mother. In fact, she sort of introduced them to one another, from a certain point of view." Heather barely managed to hold back her tears as she remembered that day with a sad fondness.

Turning around, Heather smiled as she saw the three people she was waiting for enter. New Years Eve nineteen ninety-five just wouldn't be the same without her sweetheart to kiss at midnight. Making her way to the door, she saw him notice her approach and her heart fluttered with anticipation.

"Richard! I'm so glad you could make it!" she said as she got close enough for him to hear.

Richard Hargrave, a Sergeant in the United Stated Marine Corps, smiled his rugged smile as he saw her approaching. He removed his cover and ran his free hand through his short-cropped red hair. At just over six feet with classically handsome features and a muscular ex-football player's build, he was what most women would die for in a man. That he was also charming, witty, gracious, and kind made him the target of much of the female population around the college.

For his part, Richard couldn't believe he'd ever managed to attract the eye of Heather Moore, the most beautiful girl he'd ever known. She wasn't the most popular girl, nor the most outgoing, but in his eyes no woman could ever compete with her stunning beauty, quick wit, intelligent mind, and graceful charm. "Hey, beautiful! Couldn't leave you alone! You might come to your senses and realize you could do way better than me!"

Heather smiled coyly as she wound her arms around his waist. "Better than you? Who? Adonis? Apollo? John Wayne?"

Jack peered around his best friend's shoulder, having been standing next to him and being quietly ignored by the two lovebirds. "Ah, come on! This jarhead? I just don't get why you threw me over for that! What do you see in him when there's me to be had!"

Sergeant Brooke Hathaway tapped him on the shoulder. Jack turning to face her, the woman Marine looked him up and down, then likewise with Richard, shaking her head. "Sorry Charlie, but even I can tell he's got you beat."

Jack, ever the comedian, took off his cover and held it to his heart. "Brooke! My sweetness! Say it ain't so!"

Pushing past Jack and snaking around Richard, Brooke smiled and hugged Heather. "Hey, beautiful! Still sure I can't tear you away from this clown? I can really make it worth your while!" She arched her eyebrows at Heather in a comically seductive way.

While Heather was much more curvaceous, Brooke was no less attractive. At five foot eight, she stood taller than Jack even without the aid of her two-inch heels. Her legs long and muscular, her waist tapering nicely into rock-hard abdominals, her shoulder-length ebony hair curly and framing her face perfectly, and her lips full and beautiful.

"You make an awfully tempting offer, Brooke..." she said in her low throaty voice. Releasing her and returning to Richard, she hooked an arm through one of his. "...but alas my heart is already spoken for."

Jack turned to his best friend. "Say Rich, you wouldn't mind if Heather took a little break from you, would you? Just a short one? Like say for an hour? Oh, I don't mean for myself, but think of poor Brooke!"

Turning to his best friend, Richard smirked at him. "Yeah, I know who you're looking out for, Jack."

Pleading as the four made their way through the other guests, Jack begged, "Oh, come on Rich! Give a guy a break! Just let them go upstairs, alone, for ten minutes! I swear, you can even handcuff me to the front door! I just wanna know it happened!"

Brooke slugged Jack in the arm hard enough to bruise. "Can it, clown! I'm not your personal masturbation material."

"OK, OK. You know I was only kidding around." Turning to Heather Jack smiled sincerely. "So how've you been?"

She put her other arm through Jack's as they walked slowly. "Can't complain, Jack." Thinking of how to segue into what Brooke wanted to talk about, she asked innocently, "Seeing anyone?"

He jerked his thumb at Brooke and Richard. "No one but these two yahoos. Alas, you were my last and final hope. My heart can never love another!"

Smiling, Brooke hoped to not give too much away. "Well, that's too bad. I was hoping you could help me with a little problem."

His smile melted immediately. "What's her name?"

Laughing, Heather reached the end table where she'd put her drink and the ones she'd already gotten for the trio. "Oh, Jack! Here I thought I'd ruined you for all other women!"

He nodded. "True, true, but what's her name Brooke? Her name!"

Looking at him, Brooke smiled. "Her name's Erica. She's sweet, but shy. I met her while waiting for Heather at the campus library. I kind of got my signals crossed and thought she was hitting on me, but she was really just wanting to ask about my service. She was doing some psychology paper on the effect of women in predominantly male occupied professions."

Wincing as he picked up a beer bottle, he opened it and handed it to her. "Please! Not another she-woman man-hater! I don't care how cute she is, they're more trouble than they're worth! You sure she wasn't hitting on you?"

Taking a drink, Brooke shook her head. "Positive. And she's not a left-wing wacko feminist, either. Her professor probably is, so it's the assignment she got, but she's actually quite nice, loves the armed forces, and even thanked me for my service."

Shaking his head as he took his own beer, Jack swigged it. "Then her old man's probably a swabbie at the base."

While Brooke laughed, Richard, who'd not been listening to the conversation, asked, "What about swabbies?"

Taking another drink, Jack grinned. "Nothing, Rich. Just go back to ogling your girlfriend."

Picking up his own beer, Richard glared at his best friend since age fourteen. "I wasn't ogling her, I was admiring her beautiful eyes!"

Nudging him in the shoulder, Jack quipped, "Sure, sure, Rich. Increase your scanning elevation about twenty-five degrees to find her eyes."

His comment brought a laugh to the three and a blush to Heather's cheeks before Brooke turned and looked toward the door and checked her watch.

Noticing the action, Jack shook his head. "Oh, no! You didn't! Brooke! Say it ain't so! You set me up without even asking?"

She shrugged as she took another drink. "You'll love her, Jack. I swear."

He nodded. "Uh-huh. How many eyebrows does she have?"

"Three, one for each eye." Brooke smiled sweetly. "But you'll never notice because the hump on her back will draw all your attention." Almost sensing more than hearing the front door open over the clamor of conversations and the music, she turned and smiled when she saw Erica look into the throng of partygoers. Handing her beer over to Heather, she didn't even look back. "Excuse me." she said as she headed for the door.

Thinking she might've come to the wrong address before she spotted Brooke coming toward her, Erica smiled and embraced her. "Hi! I thought I got the wrong place. This is your party?"

Slinging her arm over Erica's shoulders, Brooke grimaced. "Not exactly my party, but I was invited, so the invitation is yours as well. Come on!" She leaned in close to whisper, "Keep calm, girl!"

Making their way through the crowd, Brooke walked toward the trio with her guest. Heather and Richard were looking at each other with stars in their eyes; Richard's back turned to their approach.

Jack was the only one who saw them coming. The two getting closer, his heart skipped a beat. Suddenly the room seemed very quiet, the noise and laughter seeming to fade into the background. He wasn't even seeing Brooke anymore, just the girl she was with. She was thin, but not skinny, with well-rounded hips and bust and a narrow tapering waist. The T-shirt she wore under a see-through white jacket emphasized her gracious curves, and her jeans covered long legs that Jack could tell were well formed and sexy. Her shoulder-length red hair bounced with every step, framing her beautiful face and haunting green eyes.

For her part, Erica saw Jack at the same moment and her breath caught. He was not ruggedly handsome, nor especially well built or tall. His dirty-blonde hair was almost non-existent, cropped short and spiked up out of his head like tiny porcupine quills. His face was neither exceptionally attractive nor homely, hands callused and scrawny. It wasn't his looks that had always taken her breath away. It was him. Most especially now, with a room full of half naked women surrounding her Jack, his eyes were locked on her and only her as though she, Erica Hargrave, were the best looking woman in the room.

Brooke stopped in front of him. "Jack? This is Erica." Seeing the two staring into each other's eyes and not even noticing her, Brooke pursed her lips. "Well, I can see you two don't have any further need of me." she said as she turned toward Richard and Heather, trying keep them distracted to give the two a moment alone in a crowded room.

Erica spoke first. "Hi!"

"Um... hi!" Jack swallowed hard. Gathering his composure, but still unable to tear his eyes away from hers, he stammered as he held out his hand. "Jack, Jack Dunning. Lance Corporal, USMC."

She smiled and took his hand gently, only just then realizing that he didn't know who she was. "Erica... Erica Hargrave. Student. Stanford." Her eyes smiled along with her lips and she could feel her hand nervously sweating in his.

Just then, Jack heard from behind him, "Erica!?"

The young woman's eyes were torn away from Jack's enchanting stare when she heard the one voice that had been catching her attention her entire life. Looking over Jack's shoulder, she saw her brother looking at her in sheer astonishment. "Richie!? Brooke didn't say you were going to be here!"

Jack was confused as her full name hadn't even processed in his mind yet. In point of fact, Jack hadn't done much actual thinking since he first saw her. Suddenly, it all dawned on him, his eyes grew wide, and he looked at her again. "Erica... Hargrave? But... Rich's Erica?" The last time he'd seen his best buddy's little sister was over five years earlier at Richard's nineteenth birthday. He'd only showed up long enough to gather up his buddy for a night on the town. What he remembered of her was the image of a little girl. Now before him stood a vision of lovely young womanhood.

Her brother pushed Jack aside. "What are you doing here, Erica? You're not twenty-one yet! You can't be here!"

Brooke halfway interposed between the siblings. "She's my guest, Rich! And she turns legal in like a week, so back off!"

"That's OK, Brooke." Erica's eyes flared. "I can see I'm not going to be allowed to have any fun here tonight. Maybe you can take me to another party? I can be your date!"

Pulling Richard aside, Jack tried to convince him to let her stay. "Listen! Rich! Come on, man! Let it be! If she stays here, you can keep an eye on her, and so can Heather, Brooke, and I, right? If she leaves, God knows what trouble she could get into! Think, man!"

Turning back to his sister, Richard lowered his gaze. "Look, Erica. I'm sorry. Just forget I said anything, OK? I... I overreacted. Please stay." He looked up at her as he finished his plea.

Her fury at still being treated like a child by her older brother melted quickly. Never one to carry a grudge long, she eyed him suspiciously. "Fine! But I don't want Sergeant Ramrod killing my good time, is that clear?" She poked him in the chest as she finished.

Raising his hands defensively, Richard backed away. "I give! I give! Why don't I get you a beer?"

"I'll get it!" Jack offered, his voice nearly cracking comically. Turning to Erica, he smiled. "Don't move a muscle, my angel! I'll be back to worship the ground you walk on in a flash!"

Erica looked to Brooke and her brother with a wistful smile as Jack ran to the bar. "Isn't he funny?"

Brooke tousled her hair. "Unfortunately, looks aren't everything."

"Don't let his outward clownish charm fool you, sis." Richard warned. "He's still the same Jack Dunning you've known for years."

Biting her lower lip, Erica swayed gently. "He always seemed really sweet to me."

"The word you're looking for is 'desperate'." Brooke said as she took another drink. "We call him Corporal Strikeout for a reason."

Erica shook her head, inwardly hopeful. "Doesn't do well with the ladies then?"

"He does fine at first." Heather interjected. "But once girls stop laughing at his jokes, his lack of things like a car or money, and thereby his ability to take them out, tends to make them lose interest quickly."

Furrowing her brow, Erica fumed. "Well that's awful shallow of them!" Pausing, she asked, "Is he very bad with money?"

"Not really." Brooke shook her head. "He's just overly generous. He sends most of his pay to the place that's taking care of his mom."

Her heart melted, remembering the few times she'd met Mary Dunning and how torn up Jack had been about moving her into a home before he'd left Pittsburgh. "Oh! That's so sweet!"

"Yeah, other girls think it's sweet too." Richard smiled. "Until it's time for their second date and he still can't afford to take them anywhere, let alone have a car to take them in."

She slapped her brother in the chest. "You know, you could be a little more generous with your dough back home, Sergeant! Daddy's not getting any younger, and he's about killing himself trying to put me through school!"

He nearly choked on his beer. "Hey! I send what I can! More than Jack!"

His sister crossed her arms. "But he makes less! I bet he leaves less to spend on himself than you do!"

"You're right, he does!" Heather nodded. Turning to Richard, she smiled as she draped her arms over his shoulders and around his neck. "You really should help your family more, Richard. Your money doesn't impress me!"

"Good lord!" Brooke rolled her eyes. "If this gets sweeter, I'm gonna barf!"

Nearly running back to the foursome, Jack handed Erica a beer and smiled. "Here! My treat, my beauty!"

Nodding at Erica, Brooke joked, "If she's Beauty that makes you The Beast."

Putting the drink down, Erica smiled. "That's very sweet of you, but you don't need to buy me drinks! I think I'd like to stay clear-headed." Slipping her arm into Jack's, she looked around. "Is there someplace quiet we could talk?"

"You could take him upstairs!" Brooke smirked.

"Brooke!" Richard barked as he nearly turned white, knowing what most couples went upstairs to do. "Over my dead body!"

Erica stiffened her back. "Is that so, Richie?"

Lowering his voice desperately, he leaned in toward his sister's ear. "Are you crazy? Do you know what Mom and Dad would do to me if they found out I let you 'go upstairs' with Jack?" he emphasized with air quotes. "I'd never live to see morning! Mom'd kill me over the phone!"

Erica tilted her nose up. "Well, Mom and Dad aren't here, Richie! So unless you want me to just leave and take Jack somewhere more private, he and I are going to go upstairs!" She paused to let her brother squirm. "...and talk!"

At that, Erica took her brother's beer, took a swig from it, handed it back to him, and practically dragged Jack toward the staircase.

Looking back at his best friend, Jack just shrugged. "What can I do, Rich? Buttons' got me hooked!" referring to the nickname he'd given her on the first day they'd met when she was only ten and he was almost fourteen.

Richard looked over at Brooke as the two disappeared up the stairs. "What the hell, Brooke? You set my sister up with Jack?"

"Would you rather I set her up with Corporal Strikeout, or have her end up with someone like you, Sergeant Trouser Snake?"

Heather turned his head to face her. "Relax, darling. I'm sure she's perfectly safe with Jack. Now would you mind not thinking about your sister and turn your attention back to me? It's kind of creepy if I kiss you while you're thinking about your sister."

"Ha!" Brooke busted out laughing. "Maybe that's why he's so protective!"

He pushed Brooke's shoulder. "Cram it, Brooke! That's not even funny! I'm just looking out for her is all!"

Once more, Heather turned his head back towards her. "I'm over here, dear!"

As he finally returned his focus back to his girlfriend, Brooke sighed and took another drink. "Great job, Brooke." she said to herself as she looked up the stairs where Jack and Erica had gone and then to Heather and Richard starting to dance. "You've managed to help find love for everyone but you."

Heather shook her head to clear it. "You see, Erica... Brooke, your father Jack, and your Uncle Richard were already good friends when I met them. Brooke was the one who set your parents up on their first date. A few months later they were married, and then two years later you were born!"

The girl weakly smiled, unnerved by her aunt's story that showed she wasn't actually Erica Hargrave. She finally understood that, as her mother had told her, there was so much about her family that she didn't know. Maybe this Brooke lady can tell me more about dad... and me. she thought. "I think that would be OK." she said after a brief pause.

Her aunt nodded. "You can join Faith in the kitchen for lunch, sweetie. I'll call Brooke up and see what she says."

Erica hugged her aunt before heading to the kitchen. "Thank you, Aunt Heather. I love you!"

She hugged the girl back. "I love you too, sweetheart. Now scoot!" Heather watched the girl head through the dining room toward the kitchen, moving over to the couch and picking up the receiver for the old phone. She hadn't told Brooke yet of Erica's death, not knowing how to break the news. Dialing quickly before she lost her nerve, she didn't have to wait long before it was answered.

"Hello?" Jenny Hathaway answered.

"Hello, Jenny? This is Heather. Is Brooke available?" she queried.

"Oh, hi Heather! Yes, just a moment!"

Heather listened silently to the woman on the other end of the line.

"Honey? Heather's on the phone for you!" Jenny called out.

After a short wait, she heard the phone being handed off with a murmured comment.

"Oh, stop it! Heather is not my girlfriend! Hello?" Brooke answered.

"I'm not your what?" Heather probed.

"Oh God, that wife of mine! Anytime you call lately, she's taken to saying, 'Your girlfriend's on the phone!' Honestly!"

Heather could hear Jenny in the background. "Well she calls you enough to be her girlfriend! I think you talk to her more than you do me!"

Brooke lowered her tone. "Honey, I do you way more than I talk to her! Ow!"

Listening to their exchange, Heather had second thoughts about breaking the news to her best friend. "Brooke, if this is a bad time..."

"Nonsense! What's up?" Brooke asked happily.

Sighing, Heather prepared herself to break her friend's heart. "It's about Erica. I... I have some bad news."

Knowing exactly who Heather was talking about without having to be told, Brooke was silent a moment while she sat down, hearing the pain in her voice. "What's happened?"

Heather took a deep breath. "I don't know how to put this any easier, Brooke. I'm just going to say it. Erica... died... of leukemia... a few weeks ago. Her and Jack's... child... has come here to live with us."

The woman on the other end of the phone couldn't breathe. Both Jack and Richard had been her best friends in the Marine Corps and afterwards. Their loss was hard to take, but Erica was Richard's sister, Jack's wife, and one of her best friends. "No!" she whispered. With the discipline of her Corps training, she cleared her throat and wiped away the escaped tear, pushing aside her pain. "Are... are you OK?"

"Thank you dear, but if anyone is hurt most by this, it's their... child. Before Erica died, shortly before your wedding, her parents Frank and Judith were killed in a car accident. Eric's life has been thrown into chaos. Now he's here, thousands of miles from the only home he's ever known, orphaned, scared, lonely. I tell you Brooke, he's traumatized. Badly."

"I can only imagine!" Brooke replied. The line went silent for a moment while Brooke explained to her wife what was going on. After a moment, Heather heard an extension pick up.

"Heather? This is Jenny! I'm so sorry to hear what's happened! Erica was such a nice woman! How can we help?"

Heather explained. "Well, Eric arrived Tuesday evening, a week early and with nothing but the soaked and ruined clothes on his back. He lost all his luggage when he changed planes. We tried laundering what little he had, but the power went out before they could be washed and when we tried to dry them near the fire, they were burned beyond use. He was effectively left with nothing from his old life. No clothes, no pictures, nothing. It seems the medical bills for Erica took everything Jack and Erica ever had."

She paused a moment to let the situation sink in before explaining further. "We just gave him one of Faith's robes to wear for lack of anything better. To make a long story short, he's sort of... escaped... into a fantasy world where he's a twelve-year-old incarnation of his own mother. He... he thinks he's Erica." Static filled the line as she waited until one of them responded.

"Well... that's... um..." Brooke broke the silence.

"What can we do to help?" Jenny repeated her earlier question.

"I was hoping to bring 'Erica' over to see you Brooke, so you could help her."

Brooke knitted her brow. "You mean like... snap him out of it?"

Disagreeing, Jenny caught on quickly. "I don't think that's what Heather had in mind, love. I think she means for you to give him a makeover."

"Her." Heather corrected her only slightly.

"Um... OK." Pausing, Brooke asked, "Are you sure that's the right thing to do, Heather? We're talking about Jack's son!"

Answering for her, Jenny insisted, "Of course it is! We'd be happy to help."

Smiling, Heather replied, "Thank you, Jenny. Brooke? From a psychological point of view, this kind of temporary escapism is healthy in the long term. After a while, she'll come to terms with her grief, give up the fantasy, and want to go back to being Eric. She just can't handle it right now. It's... it's too painful. What she needs now is to feel safe, and right now that means being more at ease with her identity, more like a girl. Will you help?"

"Of course she'll help, Heather." Jenny answered. "Won't you, love?"

Brooke growled at her wife. "I can answer for myself, love!" Pausing a moment, she finally did. "I'll help, Heather. If you really think this is in his best interests, I'll do what I can."

"Thank you, Brooke!" Heather beamed. "I really appreciate your help with this! We'll be over at your place in say, half an hour?"

"That's fine, Heather. I'll get things ready. Anything in particular?"

She ticked off each item with her fingers. "Hair... cut, color, and style. Nails and any makeup and styling advice you can give her."

Brooke took notes. "OK. Hair. What color?"

"Do you remember Erica's hair color? That shade of red?"

"Yeah. I remember." Brooke nodded once more and swallowed hard, holding back her tears as a hundred happy and painful memories flooded her mind. "Let me think. Yeah, I have something that can work for that. It won't be wash away though, it's permanent hair dye. It'll be staying until it grows out, say twelve to twenty weeks at minimum. Is that alright?"

"It will be fine, Brooke. I don't see her giving up this fantasy for at least that long. She's just... lost. She's even lost her faith in God. She's so angry with Him that before she retreated into her fantasy, she was cursing His name. She has a lot of pain and loss to work through."

Brooke frowned so strongly that Heather could hear it over the phone. "I see. Well, I should have everything ready by the time you get here. We'll see you soon."

"Thanks ever so much, Brooke! Love you and see you soon! And thank you too, Jenny!"

She listened as Brooke hung up, hearing Jenny say, "See? I knew she was your girlfriend! 'Love you, Broo...'"

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

--

Sitting in the back of her aunt's limousine, Heather across from her and Faith next to her, Erica's nerves were on edge knowing she was going to meet someone who knew her father... and her from her old life before she was reborn in the body of her son. The butterflies were gone, replaced with raging wildcats clamoring around inside her stomach.

Clearing her mind, she focused on who she 'really' was; Erica Hargrave. She was once more twelve years old, but living with her aunt Heather and cousin Faith. She now thought of her aunt as also her sister-in-law; that part of her fantasy shifting to adjust to her situation. She had actually joined with her own mother, Erica Hargrave, living her life over again, but was simultaneously still Erica Dunning, her own child.

When the car turned a corner, she felt the bump of leaving the paved road and making their way up a short, snowy, gravel driveway. Soon enough the car stopped and she waited while Fredrick got out and opened their door.

"Thank you, Fredrick." Heather said as she exited first.

"If you won't be needing me Madame, I'll wait in the car while you attend to your business with Mrs. Hathaway."

"No Fredrick, you head home. We'll be a few hours, so I'll call when we're ready to be picked up." Waiting as Faith followed her out, she watched a timid Erica slowly climb out of the car. Taking her hand, she led both girls up to the front door and rang the bell just as the car started to pull away.

Erica couldn't get her stomach to settle. While in the kitchen she'd eaten a PB and J sandwich that she was now thinking had been a mistake, certain it was going to come back up at any moment. After a moment's wait, she saw movement from within the small white two-story house. The door opened to reveal a lady dressed in a blue knee-length dress with a black waist panel. She was shorter than her aunt Heather, but still most of a foot taller than her or Faith. Curly brown shoulder-length hair framed her round face, which smiled down at her.

"Hi, Jenny!" her aunt greeted the lady. "Thanks for having us!"

"Come in! Come in!" she said quickly. "It's freezing out there!"

After the three ladies entered her home, she closed the door behind them. "Here, let me help you off with your coats." she offered, helping Erica with hers last. Once done, she crouched down and greeted her. "Well! You must be Erica! I've heard a lot about you!" She extended her hand to the girl. "I'm Jenny Hathaway, but you can just call me Aunt Jenny! I'm very pleased to meet you!"

Slowly taking Jenny's hand, Erica smiled shyly. "Pleased to meet you as well." she replied, almost too quiet to hear.

Once Heather hung up her and Faith's coats, the three followed Jenny into the kitchen where a taller woman waited. The woman smiled as they entered, her shoulder-length ebony hair falling in natural curls to stand in perfect contrast to her milky complexion. Wearing designer jeans that accentuated her athletic curves, a pretty white tank top partially covered by a simple cotton button-up blouse was left to hang open loosely in front.

"Good morning, Heather! Faith!" Brooke greeted them. "Pleased to meet you, Erica." She looked at the child standing before her and, seeing both her mother Erica and father Jack in the child, nearly brought her to tears. "Well... Erica, I... I understand you like your fun red hair so much you want your hair to look just like it? Why don't you come sit here and I'll see what we can do."

Erica smiled weakly as she sat in the chair and Brooke covered her with a cloth. "Thank you, Miss Hathaway."

"You can call me Aunt Brooke." she offered, gently pulling the play wig off Erica's head and examining the girl's natural hair color and length. My God! she thought. It's the exact same color as Jack's! Needing to compose herself, she turned to the girl's aunt. "Heather? I need to mix up the color. Can you give me a hand?"

Heather, having never touched hair color on her life, was stunned for a moment, but quickly caught on. "Oh! Sure, Brooke! I'd be happy to help! After all, you're helping me... and Erica!" She followed the brunette into her storage room where the Marine-turned-beautician kept all her salon products. After Brooke closed the door, she turned to her friend.

"Oh God, Heather!" she whispered, tears forming in her eyes. "I don't know if I can do this! He has Jack's hair!"

Taking both of Brooke's hands in hers, Heather tried to calm her down. "It's all right, Brooke! Calm down! Jack is not going to be mad at you, I swear! Erica needs this. She needs to feel comfortable living in this fantasy. She's hurting Brooke, far more than you or I, and she's much too young to handle it! I tried to fight it at first, tried to push her away from it, but she just can't handle being Eric right now. She can barely tolerate being Erica, but it makes her feel like her mother's still here with her. For now... it's enough."

Brooke ran her fingers through her hair, blowing out a breath through pursed lips. "You keep calling him her, even when he can't hear you!" she said angrily as a statement, but obviously intended as a question.

Her oldest friend frowned. "She already knows I want her to go back to being Jack and Erica's son, Brooke. I can't afford to slip up. If I do, it would be as though I were trying to tear down her fantasy before she's ready. She'd see it as an attack on her identity, so I have to think of her as though she's just a normal girl. If I think of her as Eric at all, I'll use 'him' by mistake and it will all come crashing down... with potentially disastrous results!"

Closing her eyes, Brooke took a deep breath. "You're sure this is the right thing to do? Won't this confuse him?"

Heather shook her head. "No. People can't be made to think they're another gender, Brooke. It's innate. So unless the potential for gender dysphoria was always in her, it's almost impossible to confuse her. Please, Brooke! If you can't do this, if you can't look at her and think of her as being a normal girl, as Jack and Erica's daughter, tell me now and I'll make an excuse as to why we have to leave. I can't let her face the kind of trauma challenging her fantasy would bring right now! Not this soon after... after Erica's death and being ripped away from the only life she's ever known!"

Turning away from Heather, Brooke crossed her arms to hold herself as though if she didn't she might fly apart. Steeling herself, she turned back toward her best friend's widow. "OK. I... I can do that. I can just think of her as Erica and Jack's daughter.... but you have to promise me that you won't allow this to get out of control. No turning hi... her... into a girl with hormones or anything like that!"

Putting her hands on Brooke's shoulders to help calm her, Heather nodded. "Brooke, I swear to you on my soul, I'll only let this continue while I think it's a healthy coping tool, not a minute longer. Even if she wants hormones or something more permanent, I won't allow it. I know that after a time she'll finally be able to process her pain, move on, and will want to be Eric again... but we can't push her to it! She has to return to it on her own."

Brooke sighed. "Alright, I'll trust you... for Jack's sake if nothing else. I still owe him one and I know it's gotta be killing him to see... her... hurting so badly." Composing herself, Brooke picked up the bottle of hair color. Taking a breath, she pasted a fake smile on her face and opened the door, heading back into her kitchen. "Sorry it took so long, Erica. I couldn't find the right color." Examining Erica's hair, she nodded to herself. "Yeah, I think this will take very nicely! Are you ready, sweetie?"

The girl nodded, eager but nervous. She watched Brooke mix the color into a bowl with a brush, then scoop some of the color onto it, and start painting it into her hair. After a short time, she felt a mild sting on her scalp.

"Aunt Brooke? Is it supposed to feel like this? Like a sunburn?"

The hairstylist nodded as she finished applying the color. "A little, sweetie. It might itch a little too, but you can't scratch it! Can you do that?" Seeing Erica nod slightly, Brooke finished the color and wrapped a plastic shower cap over the girl's hair. Then, coming around front, she looked at her and smiled. "How would you like pink nail polish to go with your dress?"

Erica smiled back genuinely and started to reflexively reach up to scratch her head that was starting to itch. Stopping herself, she was rewarded with another wide smile from Brooke, Jenny, and her aunt Heather.

While Brooke filed and shaped Erica's nails, Faith came up beside her. "Does it itch really bad?" she asked.

"Uh-huh!" Erica nodded vigorously. "I really wanna scratch it!"

"I bet you must have the most self control in the whole world! If I get an itch, I can't help but scratch... no matter what anyone says! Remember that time I got poison ivy, Mamma?"

Heather laughed. "Yes, dear! I do! I nearly had to tie your hands!"

Shaking her head in frustration, Erica twitched. "Can we talk about something else, please? All this itch talk is making it worse!"

Her aunt began talking to Jenny about the power outage and the hardships it was causing, heading out to the living room. Meanwhile, Faith wandered off to read the book she'd brought, bored with watching Brooke give her cousin a manicure. That left Erica alone with Brooke for the first time.

An awkward silence rose up between the two. Erica knew that the woman had known her father and wanted to ask questions about what he was like, but couldn't figure out how to broach the subject while she was herself the living spirit of Erica Hargrave, her father's wife.

For her part, Brooke simply bit her tongue, trying to keep herself from telling the child to 'man up' and go back to being Eric. After a short time, she could tell something was on Erica's mind, but was afraid to speak up.

"So, Erica. Did you know I knew your uncle Richard?" she asked as she buffed the girl's nails.

"Uh-huh." she nodded. "Aunt Heather told me. She said you also knew..." She struggled with the words, having difficulty coping with the concept that Jack Dunning was both her father and late husband to her older self.

Brooke looked up at the girl and realized she'd found a crack in Erica's fantasy and wanted to tear it open. "Yes, I also knew Jack. Jack Dunning. He married your uncle Richard's sister."

Erica's breath grew short, her fantasy threatening to fly apart at the seams and leave her bare and exposed. Trying to calm herself, she stammered out, "W-what was he l-like? J... Jack... D-Dunning."

Slowly, she stopped buffing Erica's nails. Looking at the child seated in front of her, she could see her shaking, close to a complete mental breakdown. Her heart ached to comfort her best friend's child, but she could see the emotional scars were too new; too raw to even touch, let alone begin to heal. Picking her words carefully, she smiled and resumed buffing her nails, trying to undo the damage she'd already done with just a few words.

"Well, I met your uncle Richard and Jack while we were all assigned to Alameda Naval Air Station back in the nineties. They'd been friends for years before that. They met in high school and went through Boot together. Richard was a born leader and Jack followed him! Richard was handsome and charming, Jack was quick-witted and funny. They made a good team. They both enlisted after high school, same as I did, to be able to afford college, but it ended up only Richard followed that dream." She switched to Erica's left hand before she continued. "After a four year cruise, Rich started at Menlo College because it was near Alameda and they had a business degree program."

"I think it was Labor Day in ninety-five when your uncle Richard met your aunt Heather. She was going to Stanford, that's close to Menlo, and there was a party Jack wanted to go to. Richard and I tagged along and your aunt Heather was there." She smiled and looked off into the distance. "Actually, Jack had already met Heather and found out she was going to that party, and was there to ask her out... but when Heather met Rich, it was all over."

She resumed buffing Erica's nails as she continued once more. "Jack was upset, but he loved Rich so much he was happy for them. Jack was always looking for the future Mrs. Dunning!" Brooke laughed. "But he had the worst luck with girls! Poor Jack! In fact, it was him that I met first. He was trying to ask me out, but then he asked out almost every girl he met... that is, until he saw Rich's sister all grown up."

Brooke finished buffing, picked up a milky white base coat, and started to cover the girl's nails. "I think she was the best thing to happen to Jack. She didn't care that he couldn't afford things. She only wanted to be with him. They used to spend time in the park feeding geese day-old bread and other silly and romantic things like that. I remember the last time Jack proposed to her. I say the last time because Jack proposed to her at the end of every date, including their first!" Brooke chuckled at the memory.

Jack walked out the door with Erica's arm hooked under his. It was three in the morning and the New Year's party had broken up nearly half an hour earlier. Richard and Heather were behind them, while Brooke waited at the bottom of the steps next to Richard's car.

"Come on Jack!" Brooke nagged. "We have to get back to The Bricks!"

He looked down at Brooke. "Will you be quiet for just a minute!" he barked. Turning to look back at Erica, Jack smiled. "I do have to go Buttons, but I want to ask you something first." He stopped and faced his best friend's sister, blocking the doorway.

Erica wore a smile that shone from her eyes. "What is it?"

"Will you marry me?" he grinned.

Richard shoved Jack's shoulder. "Come on Jack, quit fooling around! That's my sister!"

Clownishly, Jack stumbled sideways as Erica laughed. After her brother and Heather came out and walked between the two, Jack raced up to Erica as soon as they moved down the steps that led from the street to the door.

"I know it's sudden and all, but you've completely captivated my heart!" While he spoke, Jack exaggerated his every move to comic effect. Bending down on one knee, he took Erica's hand. "Please, my love! Marry me, and I'll take you away from all this!" Sweeping his hand in a great circle, he indicated the lavish grounds that surrounded them.

Erica snickered. "Why Jack! This is all so... so sudden!" she mimicked his comedic overacting. "However, I fear my father will not grant you my hand! I'm needed too much on the farm, what with my eighteen brothers and sisters to take care of! Not to mention my mother!"

He stood and looked at the ground, as if thinking. "That's right! Your mother... the dark fairy Maleficent! We'll elope, then!"

Coming up the steps, Richard grabbed his arm. "Come on, Casanova. You can propose to my sister tomorrow, after I tell her about you."

He jerked his arm free and stood in comic defiance. "Tell her what about me? I'm as good as anybody! Don't I need love, too?"

Erica moved up to Jack and took his arm again. "Oh, I think I already know what kind of man Jack is, Richie! The kind I like!"

Turning away, Richard walked back down the steps with Heather. "Great, just what the family needs... another mouth to feed!" As he reached the bottom, he turned to see his sister looking up at Jack with a giddy expression on her face as they followed. "Oh, Jack! Now look at what you've done! You've gone and made my sister all swoony!"

"Yeah?" Jack smiled. He looked down at Erica who was looking up at him. "What, over me?"

Nodding, Erica turned to face him. "Mmm hmm!" Putting her arms over his shoulders, she looked slightly up at him with stars in her eyes. "You know, I knew I was coming to meet you when Brooke 'introduced' us, right?" She smiled and lowered her voice, telling him of the same thing she'd told him when they were alone upstairs. "I have a confession to make. I've had a crush on you since I was ten!"

"Who? Me?" Jack answered back stupidly.

Richard tapped Jack on the shoulder while Brooke started Richard's car, then leaned over the roof. "Come on, lover boy. Tick-tock!" she shouted.

Pushing her brother away, Erica glared at him before turning back to Jack. "Back off a sec, Richie! I want to kiss my Jack goodnight!"

"Oh, Erica!" Richard groaned. "I don't want to see that!"

Never looking away from Jack, she shot back, "Then turn around!"

Heather pulled at his arm, turning him away from his sister and best friend. "Why don't you give me a proper goodnight as well and leave them be!"

Even as Heather pulled him down into a loving kiss, he tried to strain his neck sideways to watch over his little sister until Heather made him forget about his brotherly protectiveness.

Tilting her head sideways, Erica leaned up until her lips met Jack's. It was a simple kiss, neither passionate nor long, but one that made both of their hearts race.

Backing away from the kiss, Erica smiled. "Still better than I ever imagined it would be!"

Jack looked around, then pointed at his chest with his thumb. "Who, me?"

She nodded. "Keep asking me and I might surprise you!"

Stunned into idiocy, Jack stammered. "What? Who? Ask what?"

Erica laughed as she slowly pulled herself away from him. "You'll see! Goodnight, my handsome young knight!"

Unable to tear his eyes away from her as she turned to join Heather, walking towards Erica's car, Jack shook his head to clear it. "Wow!" he mumbled, watching Erica sway her hips as she walked away. Leaning slightly towards Richard, he spoke in a daze. "Rich? I know she's your sister, but I have to say it. She's hot!"

Grabbing Jack in a headlock, Richard dragged him toward the car where Brooke waited impatiently. "Don't get any ideas, Snuffy! I may face a General Court Martial, but I'll kill you where you stand if you mess with my little sister!"

Pulling free, Jack stumbled back and into a phony fighting stance. "Put 'em up! Put 'em up! I'll fight with one paw tied behind my back for her hand, even if it kills me, which I'm sure you'd be happy to do... again!" He bumped Richard's shoulder as he stopped his clowning and opened the rear passenger door and climbed in.

Brooke shook her head as she climbed into the driver's seat. "You know, I'm starting to regret setting you two up!"

She finished a child-appropriate version of her story and the base coat at the same time, putting Erica's right hand into a battery-powered nail dryer. While it dried, she began on the left hand. "Jack was always clowning, trying to make everybody laugh. He was great that way. If you were feeling down or upset, he'd go out of his way to help you forget for a moment."

Erica smiled, wishing she had the chance to know him. Slowly sadness crept over her face. "Aunt Brooke? Can I ask you something?"

Glancing up, Brooke didn't like the look on the girl's face, but just looked down at her nails again. "I'll do my best. What is it?"

Swallowing hard, Erica worked up the courage to ask her fateful question. "How... how did he die?"

Reliving the horrible memory of the day she found out, Brooke's voice turned clinical. "Jack and Richard were both killed when the HumVee they were in hit an IED... an explosive." Holding back the tears she added, "They were both killed instantly." Taking Erica's right hand out of the nail dryer, she put the left one in and started to apply the color coat, but her hands were shaking. Taking a breath, she cleared her mind and tried again, the shaking gone.

Several minutes passed without a word from either one. Finally Erica said quietly, "Thank you."

Looking up as Brooke finished the clear outer coat, she furrowed her brow. "For what, sweetie?"

"For telling me." Erica sighed. "No one would ever talk about it."

She smiled at the young girl. "Anytime, sweetie. Maybe someday, when you're ready, I'll tell you more about them." Brooke could barely maintain her composure. More than anything, she wanted to tell Erica about Jack; how he lived, what kind of man he was, and what her friendship with him had meant. She just couldn't figure out how to do it while Erica was lost in a fantasy world where she was her own mother.

"Done! Now we move to the sink and rinse out your hair." Brooke ordered. "Remember, don't let anything touch your nails. They're still a little wet."

Nodding, Erica followed the older woman to the sink. Stepping up onto a stool, she turned her head upside down over the sink and felt the warm water pour through her hair as Brooke's gloved fingers massaged out the coloring agent. Within a few minutes, Erica felt a towel wrap around her head and Brooke led her back to the chair.

After a while of clipping small amounts of hair to style it into a more feminine shape, Brooke picked up a curling iron and hairdryer and plugged them into a black box near her back door. "We have a generator, so we have some power. Not enough to run everything, but at least we aren't stuck in the dark ages!"

Erica sat and endured having her hair pulled, curled, brushed, and blown for fifteen minutes. Finally, Brooke gave Erica a hand mirror. "Well? What do you think?"

Once more the child was stunned by her mother's image reflected back at her, this time without the wig making her scalp itch. After a few minutes of getting some makeup advice and Brooke applying a minimal amount, the actual image that reflected back at her was nearly indistinguishable from that of her mother at that age. Looking up at Brooke, she smiled broadly. "Thank you, Aunt Brooke! It looks perfect!"

Brooke wiped a tear away, seeing for herself the remarkable resemblance between the twelve-year-old and photos of the young woman she knew as Erica Hargrave before becoming Erica Dunning. "You're very welcome, Erica! Now, let's go show everyone!"

Hopping down off the chair, Erica followed Brooke back out into the living room. Faith was the first to see and drew in a sharp breath.

"Erica! You look beautiful!" she exclaimed.

Her aunt Heather rose and examined the transformation. "Very nice work, Brooke! She looks lovely!"

Jenny was proud of her wife. "She is pretty amazing!" she remarked, coming up in front of her wife and wrapping her arms around her. Silently she mouthed, "Are you OK?" Brooke simply nodded and wiped another tear away.

After a call to let Fredrick know they were ready to be picked up, the five sat and talked, mostly the adults talking about old times. A short wait later, they heard the car pull up outside and the three thanked Brooke and Jenny for their hospitality.

Once the door was closed, Jenny took her wife once more in her arms. "I'm proud of you, love. I won't pretend to know what you're going through, but I do know that wasn't easy."

Brooke nodded. "It's fine. I'm just not sure it was the right thing to do. I mean... how can that be right? How..."

Jenny placed a finger on Brooke's lips, silencing her. "It was. I can't imagine the pain that girl's going through right now. If pretending to be her mom for a while helps her get through it, then it's for the best. I'm more worried about you, honey. Seeing her must have dredged up some serious feelings and terrible memories. I know how close you were to Jack... and Erica. I only got to meet them both at Heather's wedding, and again when they lost their second baby and found out she couldn't have any more, and then only Erica once more... at Arlington... but I know they meant so much to you."

She kissed Jenny delicately. "I'm OK... really. I just hope Jack isn't mad at me for helping to feminize his son. I... I pray he understands."

Jenny laid her head on Brooke's shoulder. "Probably a lot better than we do, love."

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

--

Enjoying the ride in her aunt Heather's limousine, Erica was finally much more comfortable in her fantasy. Now fully immersed in being Erica Hargrave, she relished the view out the window, watching the countryside blanketed in snow glide by them. After a while she realized they'd been driving for far longer than the trip back to her aunt's home.

"Where are we going, Aunt Heather?" she asked innocently.

"Into town." she replied flatly. "I want to get you some things you'll need."

"Oh." the young girl responded. "Can I get my own toothbrush?"

Heather laughed. "Of course, sweetie! We'll also get you some clothes of your own so you don't have to keep borrowing Faith's."

"Mamma?" Faith asked. "What are you going to buy for her?"

Her mother answered nonchalantly. "Just some basics... underwear, day clothes, boots, a coat, toiletries... that sort of thing." Noticing the worried expression on her daughter's face, she shook her head and laughed lightly. "Oh, sweetie! Stop assuming the worst! They'll be nice... and pretty!"

A look of relief washed over Faith's countenance. Meanwhile, Erica felt like the butt of some joke she didn't get, her old life as Eric all but forgotten as her mind tried to blot out the numerous causes of pain that tormented her. Turning back to look out the window she smiled at the beauty surrounding her.

Driving for nearly an hour, the bare countryside started making way to more urban surroundings. Entering the city of Berlin, Erica noticed women wearing much more modern clothes and started to fret over her appearance. Looking over at her aunt Heather and Faith settled her nerves somewhat, seeing as they were as finely dressed as she was herself. "Aunt Heather? May I ask where we're going?"

Heather answered vaguely. "To a shop that does special order clothing, sweetie." Turning down another road finally led them to a small white building that looked more like someone's private residence than a business.

Faith finally brightened up. "Oh! We're going to Miss Fuller's shop!" she chirped. Looking over at Erica she smiled. "You'll like Miss Fuller! She's makes any clothes you can imagine!"

The car pulling to a stop, Heather corrected her daughter only slightly. "Well, she doesn't make everything, dear. She special orders many things. However, she does make special occasion dresses and other specialty items. She is, after all, a seamstress by trade."

Fredrick got out and opened their door, the three ladies exiting quickly. A cold breeze sent shivers up Erica's spine as they walked up to the front door, noticing a few people on the street giving them looks as they went in. Blushing, Erica entered last and was glad to be out of the cold, and the gaze of strangers. Looking around, it looked like the living room of someone's home, but with a front counter installed. Hand sketches of many different dresses, suits, and outfits decorated the walls, in addition to several large plants and a few chairs, giving the feel of a doctor's office or similar local.

She caught the sound of the small bell chime as the door closed, drawing the attention of the proprietress. "Just a minute!" she called out from somewhere upstairs. Footfalls coming down the steps, Erica finally saw the woman as she descended.

"Mrs. Hargrave! And Faith! So good to see you again!" The woman was marginally heavyset and round, but cheery and pleasant. She wore a simple dress of blue cotton with an apron draped around her neck that wasn't tied in back. Pins were stuck through the front of the apron in various places, and a pair of shears hung out from the front pocket. Her round face smiled at Heather, framed with brown curly hair pinned back behind her head.

Reaching the bottom of the steps, Janet Fuller noticed the third member of their party. "Well! Who is this, then?"

Heather pulled Erica in front of her. "This is my niece Erica, Miss Fuller. Her parents are both gone now, so she'll be staying with us for some time and I'll need to get her a proper wardrobe."

The seamstress examined Erica. "I recognize that dress she's got on. I made that for Faith just this spring!"

"Yes, she only arrived on Tuesday with almost nothing to her name. Her old clothes were... ruined, so Faith was kind enough to share. I want her to feel comfortable and see to it she wants for nothing from now on."

Janet looked at Erica closely. "My, she is pretty. That red hair really brings out the green in her eyes." Leaning down, she took a tape measure out of her apron. "Well let's see..." She measured Erica's height and other simple measurements before straightening up. "Well, she's very close to Faith's measurements. Do you want a style similar to what Faith prefers?"

"Not necessarily, Janet." Heather shook her head. "Erica is free to pick her own style, like Faith's or not. I just want her to have her own clothes and not feel like she's getting Faith's hand-me-downs. Do you see?"

Nodding, Janet Fuller looked up at the taller woman. "I understand. Well, lets get started then. Follow me, Erica." She turned and walked around behind the counter and led the girl into what appeared to be something like a den redecorated into a fitting room. When Heather and Faith started to enter, Janet stopped them. "You can wait here. I'm sure she'd like some privacy while she changes into a fitting gown." Drawing a curtain that gave them a sense of seclusion, she turned and faced the nervous girl. "Now then. Go behind that changing screen there, take off your dress, and put this on." she ordered kindly, handing the timid girl a fitting dress.

Nervously, Erica walked behind the changing screen and unzipped her dress while listening to Janet moving about the room. Finally down to just Faith's tights, undies, and training bra, she dropped the fitting gown over her head and it settled into place around her. Peaking out she murmured, "Done, Miss Fuller."

"Very well, child," she replied. "Come on out and step up onto the platform." Erica complied, nervously holding her arms across her chest. Stepping up, she watched as Miss Fuller knelt down in front of her and started pinning the simple gown.

While she pinned, the thinness of the fabric covering Erica allowed her to see things that confirmed her suspicions. In a soft tone, she started probing gently. "So, your name's Erica? Is that what you like to be called?" Seeing her nod, she continued. "Well Erica, I can tell you're a special girl." Dropping her voice to a whisper she added, "Don't worry! You're very pretty as a girl! No one will ever be able to tell!"

Erica's eyes grew wide as she realized that Miss Fuller somehow knew the secret of her former life.

Seeing fear in the girl's eyes, she smiled. "It's alright! I understand! You see, my younger sister is the same as you! We all used to think she was a boy, too. Do you like Faith's pretty dresses?"

Nodding some, she wasn't so much afraid as near to a mental breakdown at the challenge to her identity. Trying to shake off the distress, Erica followed it up with a shrug as she finally spoke. "I... I guess. I mean, she has a lot of really pretty dresses, but nothing like jeans or stuff that are easier to play in, ya know?"

A pin sticking between her teeth, Janet nodded back. "Yes, don't I know it! Now hold still a moment." She turned Erica in place and ran a tape measure around her waist, then up to circle her chest, then around her hips. "Well, you're a little larger around the middle than Faith, and I can see you haven't started getting your womanhood yet, but don't let that fret you, dear. Are you taking any pills yet?"

The girl's face scrunched up in confusion. "Pills?" she asked innocently.

"Never mind, dear." She waved a hand dismissively. "Your aunt would know about them. Maybe your doctor wants you to wait until you're older." Finishing with a measure around Erica's forehead, she tapped the girl on the butt. "OK, go and take that gown off and get back into your dress, sweetie. Bring the fitting gown back out with you when you're done. Careful not to pull any of the pins out or stick yourself!"

Tentatively going back behind the screen, she cautiously removed the gown and laid it aside. She could hear whispering near the door as she donned Faith's dress once more. Just as she was getting to the point of needing help, she overheard her aunt Heather.

"No, Janet. She won't be doing any of that. Her being Erica isn't permanent. Just a coping mechanism."

She stiffened her back as she realized they must have been talking about her. Not permanent? I am Erica Hargrave! I am! And I always will be! Anger rising, she came back around the changing screen. "I'm almost done, Miss Fuller. Would you help me with my dress?"

Moving quickly back to the girl, she smiled. "Sure, dear! Let me get that for you." Closing up the zipper, she quickly retied the sashes into a pretty bow. "There! All fixed again! So let's go out and look at some styles and we'll get you all situated. OK, sweetie?"

Raising her chin defiantly, she followed Janet back out to her office, sitting on a couch. Heather and Faith joined her a moment later; Erica moving slightly away from her aunt as she sat next to her.

While the seamstress was in the back getting her stylebooks, Heather could feel Erica's anger coming off the girl in waves. Realizing she must have overheard their hushed conversation, she closed her eyes and chastised herself for being so careless. Gathering her composure, she was more determined than ever to make Erica feel welcome in her home, however she needed to be at the moment.

Clearing her throat, she tapped Erica on the shoulder and tried to sound just as loving as though Erica was her own daughter. "Erica, sweetie? I've been thinking about school. Do you want to go to regular school, or would you prefer to be home-schooled? Whichever you chose would be fine with me."

Erica was still fuming, but slowly became conflicted. She talks about me like I'm going to change my mind about who I am, but she obviously loves me and wants me to be happy... She looked at herself in the mirror that made up the entire wall opposite her and once more was satisfied to see the ghost of her young mother staring back at her. Her new hairstyle perfected the image and made her anger toward her aunt melt away. Aunt Heather didn't have to treat me to a makeover. She must have done it because she loves me and wants me to be Erica... why else? Maybe I misunderstood. Clearing her throat, she smiled weakly up at her aunt. "Whichever you think is best, Aunt Heather. I trust you."

Hearing Erica put her fate in her hands, and seeing the anger wash away, Heather smiled back at her sweetly. "Alright. If you don't mind, I'd like you to stay as close to me as possible for a while. Would you mind being home-schooled? It means harder work than public school, and you won't meet many children to make friends with, but you'll learn a lot of things they won't teach in school; things you might enjoy more! I'll get you any material that interests you that isn't already in our library. Would you like that?"

Erica's weak smile was replaced with a happy one as she nodded. "I know Faith goes to regular school, but I think I would like to stay home with you for now." Pausing, her smile dropped as she built up the courage to ask her a question. "Aunt Heather? May I have a special dress just for school time? The kind girls wear in private schools? I know it's kind of silly, but I like the idea. I think it would help me stay focused on schoolwork more, even though I'll be at home."

Stunned, Heather's breath caught a moment before she smiled and took a tissue out of her purse to dry away the forming tears.

"Did I say something wrong?" Erica's eyes widened. "I don't have to get a school dress! Honest! I'm happy with anything you let me have!"

Her aunt shook her head in denial. "It's not that, sweetie. It's just that... that's the first time you've called this place 'home'! It just makes me happy to know that you can feel like this place is your home!"

Listening quietly to her cousin and mother, Faith saw a lull in their conversation and asked curiously, "Mamma? Do I have to keep going to regular school too? May I be home-schooled like Erica?"

Her mother finished dabbing at her eyes. "Well, I suppose it would be alright. Since I'll be setting up schooling for one of you, two wouldn't be any harder. I am worried that you won't get enough social interaction not going to school, but for the time being, and since you're both in the same grade, you can go to school with Erica at home until next year. We'll set up a part of the library for you two to study in. How does that sound?"

Faith smiled and hopped up and down in her seat. "Oh, thank you, Mamma! May I have a school dress, too?"

The two looking at her expectantly, Heather gave in. "I suppose it would be alright. We'll talk to Miss Fuller when she comes back in, alright?"

As if on cue, Janet came out from the back. "Well, I got a few stylebooks and we can go through them and see what you like, Erica!"

"I'll also want to see about some school uniforms. I'll want to order several for both of the girls."

Janet smiled a toothy grin, seeing that this was going to be a lucrative day with her best customer. "Alright then! Does the school have specific requirements and colors? They usually do."

She shook her head and explained what their plans were to Janet while Erica and Faith looked through the stylebooks. Within thirty minutes Erica was once more in the fitting room to try on a few off-the-rack dresses that Miss Fuller had on hand in her size. She was used to seeing girls wearing jeans and shorts, but now that she had the opportunity, she found them unappealing and in fact made her uneasy, too close to boy's wear.

Three hours later, after a trip to the local department store for nightgowns, undergarments, shoes, boots, jackets, a few skirts, matching blouses, and some clip-on earrings that Erica seemed to like, Faith tapped her mother on the elbow as they were making their way back out to the car.

"Mamma? Halloween is this Sunday and Erica's going to need something to wear. We're still going to the Halloween party, aren't we?"

"Why yes, dear." Heather nodded. "Honestly with all that's been going on it had slipped my mind." Turning to Erica she asked, "Is there something in particular you'd like to go as, sweetie?"

Erica fidgeted as they walked, unsure of her answer. "Well... what are you two going as?" she asked tentatively.

"I'm going as a nurse this year!" Faith beamed. "Mamma's going as Glinda, the Good Witch. I was gonna be Dorothy, but I changed my mind."

Looking over at her aunt, Erica blushed. "If it would be OK, could I be your Dorothy, Aunt Heather?"

She smiled as Fredrick opened the car door. "I would love for you to be my Dorothy, sweetheart! Fredrick? We'll need to go back to Miss Fuller's before we head home."

The three talked in the back of Heather's limousine while Fredrick drove them back to where they'd started. Janet was surprised to see them again, but thrilled when she learned that the Dorothy costume she'd made for Faith wasn't going to go to waste.

"I'll have to make a few adjustments to fit Erica's measurements, but the rest you can take with you now. I'll have the dress ready by Saturday."

Heather nodded. "That will be fine, Janet! I'll have Fredrick come get it when it's ready."

Her eyes bulged as she remembered something. "Oh! I wanted to tell you! I was able to order all the school dresses you wanted for Erica and Faith from the outlet I buy from! They'll be delivered Monday morning! My son will be running a few errands for me up that way, so I can just have them brought to you as soon as they get here and I've cleaned them! Now, let me go get the accessories for that costume!"

It took a few minutes to re-fit Erica for Ruby Slippers, the ones purchased for Faith being slightly too small. Janet had substitutes in many sizes, but they were all tap shoes. "It's really the only call for red glittery girl's shoes!" she commented.

"I guess they'll have to do." Heather shrugged. "We don't have time to order anything and get it by Sunday. Go ahead and put them on my bill, Janet."

She grinned at yet another sale. "Alright then. I'll see you girls later! And Erica? You look lovely, dear!"

Wearing one of the off-the-rack outfits that they'd bought from her earlier, Erica looked down at the pretty white long-sleeved blouse with lace around the high neckline and the long black pleated skirt and black ankle boots. "Thank you, Miss Fuller." Erica blushed.

Between herself, her aunt, and Miss Fuller, they had settled on a femininely conservative look for most of Erica's wardrobe. Mid-calf A-line dresses and skirts with a simple style and older cut would make Erica look a little older than her true age of twelve. It was what she told her aunt was the reason she liked them. That it was her mother's preferred style, the real reason Erica had pushed for it over Faith's objections, she'd kept to herself.

After they'd left and were headed home, Erica looked over at her aunt. "Would you mind if I ask you a personal question, Aunt Heather?"

Looking at her niece, she furrowed her brow. "You may ask, but I may not answer. What is it, sweetie?"

Erica looked down at her skirt. "I really love my new clothes and everything else Aunt Heather, but... isn't all this a little bit expensive?"

"My parents were very wealthy, Erica." Heather blushed. "While I never intended to need it, when they passed on, I inherited quite a lot of money from them." She looked out the window as she continued. "After I graduated college, I worked as a therapist. I helped people with their problems, overcoming their fears, and with getting over severe trauma. I enjoyed my work and continued it for years after Faith was born. Your uncle Richard loved being a 'stay-at-home father' and retired from his job."

Her tone turning melancholy, Heather continued after a short pause. "When he left for active duty again, I knew I had to make Faith my highest priority while he was away and took a sabbatical from work. That's a kind of long vacation." she explained on seeing Erica's confusion. "When he... when he didn't come home, I just never went back. I never needed or used any of the money I'd inherited, so it had grown to more than I would ever need, or even likely spend, in this lifetime."

Looking out the window, mirroring her aunt's posture, Erica's voice turned sorrowful. "I'm sorry if that made you feel sad, Aunt Heather."

She looked at her niece and smiled; her eyes damp with unshed tears. "It's fine, dear. I just miss your uncle Richard terribly at times. The point is, you need never worry or fret over what I decide to buy for you, sweetie. You let me worry about it!"

"Mamma is very generous." Faith added. "She gives a whole lot to people that need it. Don't you, Mamma?"

Her mother dried her eyes with a handkerchief. "It's not something to brag about, dear. If you give charitably, it should be private or anonymous. If people know how charitable you are, then the accolades become your reward. The real reward should be doing what you know to be right... helping people. My reward should be in the next life, not this one."

She flumped back in her seat. "I wasn't bragging, Mamma. It just makes me proud of you."

Heather explained to the two girls. "Yes dear, but I don't want you two to share that fact with others. I only tell you so you'll know how you should use your wealth when you grow up and it becomes your responsibility."

Faith conceded. "Yes, Mamma."

The remainder of their trip back was spent in near silence with only the hum of the engine and the road vibrations filling the void. Pulling up to the house just after five, the sun was getting low in the sky and the temperature was dropping quickly.

"Alright you two." Heather ordered as they got out. "I want you to help bring Erica's things in, go upstairs, get clean for dinner, and be down by six. Understood?"

The two practically ran to the trunk of the car as soon as the door was opened, eager to take everything upstairs even if they had to carry them all themselves. Making their way up the stairway to their room, Fredrick behind them carrying the majority of their things, Faith turned to Erica.

"I still think the dresses you picked were too grown up, Erica. I'll look like a little girl compared to you... and we're the same age!"

Erica shrugged as they reached the upper landing. "I just think I need my own style. If I wore dresses just like yours, everyone would think I don't have my own clothes. Besides, I like the dresses I picked! Yours are prettier, but I think mine are more... well... more me!"

Opening the door to their room, Faith waited while Fredrick placed the packages and bags on the bed and left, closing the door behind him. The two then spent the next twenty minutes unpacking everything and another half an hour re-organizing Faith's wardrobes to fit it all. When at last they finished, the sun having already set, they ran to wash up and barely made it down in time for dinner.

Cook brought out their dinner of lasagna and steamed vegetables while the three chatted about the upcoming holiday.

Faith fidgeted with her feet under the table. "Mamma? I think I want to change my nurse outfit a little. Can I change it to be a therapist costume?"

"Therapists don't wear anything special, dear. Just normal clothes."

Her daughter looked disappointed. "Oh."

Erica looked at her cousin. "I think nurses are just as important as doctors, Faith. Without nurses, doctors couldn't do their job."

The reinforcement cheered Faith up quite a bit. "I think so, too!"

"So... there's a Halloween Party?" Erica moved on as she turned once more to her aunt. "Where is it, Aunt Heather? Here?"

"It's at a neighbor's house." Heather answered as she placed her napkin on her lap. "The Dempsey Ranch. They have seventeen acres near Lake Francis. They have a lovely ranch house and barn near the lake and enough grazing area to keep a dozen ponies. Every year they throw a Halloween party for invited guests. Your uncle Richard was very good friends with Mr. Dempsey, and his wife Emma and I grew quite close in that time."

After Cook made her way back into the kitchen, the three bowed their heads in prayer. This time however, Erica found herself really praying; her anger at God feeling distant, as though it were part of a dream. When she said, "Amen." she smiled genuinely and waited for her aunt to begin before starting herself.

Making her way through dinner, she tried to remember why she'd been angry with God in the first place. I have a beautiful home, pretty clothes, and a family that loves me. Why was I mad at God? She wracked her brain, trying to remember, but it just wouldn't come to her. Finally shrugging her shoulders, she finished her dinner just as Faith was about to clear her plate.

Heather was even more worried than before. While she watched Erica eat, she noticed that her niece was different. She seems too happy... as though she's retreated so far into her fantasy that she doesn't even remember who she is or what her problems have been. After they finished, Heather waited while her daughter and Erica were unseated, then made her usual way to the loveseat. When the girls approached her, she motioned to the couch for them to sit. The firelight mingled with the gaslights to cast a somber mood over the room.

"What is it, Mamma?" Faith asked.

"Tomorrow is Friday." she began. "I'll be out of the house for some time, taking care of some things that need my attention." Looking at Erica, she watched her reactions. "I need to set up for you to begin home-schooling after the holiday, and I'll be gone until dinner time. In the interim..."

The lights came to life with a flicker, having never been switched off.

"Well, then!" Heather let out a relieved sigh. "Back from turn-of-the-century living!"

Faith jumped off the couch. "Hurray! The power's back!" she shouted gleefully.

While Fredrick began dowsing the gaslights, Heather resumed her discussion. "Please sit back down, dear. Thank you. Now as I was saying, in the interim I want you two to help Franchesca set up your study area in the library. Make sure you have plenty of workspace for books, papers, writing utensils, everything you would have at your desk at school."

"Faith? I'll be going to your school to collect your things and let your teachers and principal know not to expect you Monday. I want you both to be on your best behavior tomorrow. Do what Franchesca and Cook tell you to do and help out with whatever they need. Now that the power is back on, they'll be very busy trying to catch up on work they've not been able to do these last two days. Any questions?" she asked.

Erica raised her hand. "Aunt Heather? May I take some time to go on the internet tomorrow? I won't take too long. I promise."

Heather nodded and smiled. "Of course, sweetheart. Just ask Franchesca."

Smiling back, Erica said, "Thank you, Aunt Heather! I promise I'll be super helpful tomorrow!"

"Alright, give me a kiss and then off to your room. I'll be up in a while to tuck you in."

After the two girls kissed her, they practically ran upstairs, laughing and talking about the Halloween party. "You'll see, Erica! It's so much fun! They do dances, bobbing for apples, the apple sack race, pin the wart on the witch, and they tell ghost stories! They also have a pumpkin patch, a hayride, and you can feed apples to the ponies and even ride one!"

Erica smiled, but then had a thought as they reached their room. Her smile melting away, she asked hesitantly, "Faith? You said they do dances. That's just for the grown-ups, right?"

Shaking her head, Faith dropped onto her side of the bed. "No, it's for everyone!"

"Um... Faith? I... I don't know how to dance!"

Faith stood up again rapidly and looked at her with a stunned expression. "You're kidding! Everyone knows how to dance!"

Dropping onto her own side of their bed, Erica shook her head. "Not me. I never learned how. I was going to learn this summer because I knew there were school dances once I got into Middle School, but there weren't any in Elementary school, so I hadn't learned yet."

Half-forgotten memories of her mother Erica promising to teach her how to dance before she got sick flitted into and out of the child's mind. Unable to reconcile them with her life as Erica, she dismissed them quickly. One thing struck her as odd though. In her memories, her mother was telling that to her daughter, not her son.

"Oh... OK. Well, I can teach you! It's not that hard!" Getting up off the bed, Faith went around and practically dragged her cousin out into the middle of their room. "So you put your left hand on my shoulder and put your right hand out like this." Faith demonstrated the position and then waited for Erica to mimic it. Switching to lead, she took Erica's right hand in her left and gently placed the other on Erica's hip. "OK, now look down at our feet. We'll do a simple box step to start."

After a few minutes, and several instances of colliding feet, Erica smiled as Faith danced her in a square while singing 'Daddy's Little Girl', the song she'd learned to dance the box step to.

"This is fun!" Erica almost squealed.

Faith stopped. "OK, so that's the easiest step. Let's try the waltz, 'cuz they do that a lot at the party. Same basic idea, but you hold each other different and you turn as you go." Moving into the closed position, Faith slipped her arm fully around Erica's waist, making the younger girl blush at being so close. After a few false starts, Erica was following her cousin in circles around the room to Faith humming 'The Blue Danube'.

Sitting on her side of the bed, Erica was winded from the experience. "Dancing is hard work! I feel like I've just run the quarter mile!"

Her cousin dropped on the bed next to her. "Yeah, but you get used to it. We better get our baths going though, before Mamma comes up and sees we aren't ready for bed!"

After separating and taking her nightgown across the hall, Erica relaxed in the tub of the guest bathroom. Just as she started to scrub, she was imagining being at the party and someone asking her to dance. Suddenly her eyes shot open and she sat forward. Quietly, she whispered to herself, "Oh my God! It'll probably be a boy that wants to dance with me!" Her excitement at looking forward to dancing at the party vanished in a heartbeat. I just can't dance with a boy! she thought. It would be... gross!

Finishing her bath quickly, she dried and dressed, sullenly making her way back to her bedroom. Now terrified at the looming party, she considered asking her aunt if she could stay home and give out candy to trick-or-treaters, but realized that her aunt had already spent the money for her costume and it would be rude to back out now. Sitting at the vanity to brush out her hair, she tried to think of what she should do. Before she could formulate an idea, Faith came out and joined her.

"Are you OK, Erica?" Faith asked, seeing the worried look on her face.

Sighing, Erica turned around in the seat. "I thought of something in my bath. If I go to the party, boys will ask me to dance!"

Faith tilted her head in her usual way. "Of course! That's the whole idea!"

She resumed brushing her hair, this time rapidly in frustration at Faith's lack of understanding. "You don't get it Faith! I don't want to dance with a boy!"

About to say something, Faith closed her mouth and puzzled over the situation. "Oh. So you only like girls then? Like Aunts Jenny and Brooke?"

Blowing a breath out discouragingly, Erica looked off at nothing. "I think so? Maybe? I don't know though, ya know?"

Her cousin began combing through her own hair. "Hmmm. I think we should ask Mamma. She'll know what to do about it."

Standing and heading to the bathroom to brush her teeth, Erica sighed once more. "I guess you're right, but it's kind of embarrassing."

A short time later, just as the two started climbing into bed, the expected knock came from their door. Heather opened it slowly and drifted into the room, smiling at her girls. "All ready for bed?" she asked.

Faith looked to her mother. "Mamma? Erica has a problem, but she's embarrassed to talk about it."

"Faith!?" Erica growled through gritted teeth as she shot her cousin a glare.

Holding up her hand to forestall an argument, her aunt interrupted. "Now Erica, I'm glad Faith told me... and you should be, too. I can't help you with things if I don't know anything's wrong, now can I?" She then asked delicately, "Would you prefer to talk to me about it in private?"

Erica shrugged. "No, I guess it's fine. Faith already knows. It's just... well... Ugh!" Overcome with embarrassment, she dropped back onto her pillow and covered her face with her blanket and sheet.

Having none of that, Heather walked around the bed and pulled the blanket down, exposing her young niece's face once more. "Now Erica, you have nothing to be embarrassed about! You can talk to me about anything, sweetie! You know I love you and only want to help you, however I can. So tell me... what's bothering you?"

Pinching her eyes closed tightly, she took a deep breath and gathered her courage, venting out her problem in one rapid sentence. "Faith told me that there would be dancing at the party and I told her that I didn't know how to dance so she taught me how and it was a whole lot of fun so I was starting to really look forward to it but then when I was thinking about it I realized that it would be boys asking me to dance but I don't like boys that way and so now I don't even want to go but I know you already bought my costume and everything so I know I have to go and now I just don't know what to do!"

Her aunt mulled over the issue, taking a moment to parse out the whole of Erica's longwinded explanation. "I see. Well then, that is a problem, isn't it?" Looking at her niece, she then asked point blank, "So... you don't like boys. Do you like girls?"

Erica wanted to crawl under the floor to hide. Instead, she grabbed her pillow, turned on her stomach, pulled the pillow down tightly over the back of her head, and nodded vigorously enough that Heather could see her nodding, even through the pillow.

Smiling knowingly, Heather looked at her buried niece. "Oh! I see! Well that's nothing to be embarrassed about, sweetie! Come here." she ordered.

Slowly, Erica crawled out from under her pillow and turned to face her aunt. As Heather pulled her into a loving hug, she rocked her niece gently in her arms and stroked her hair. Seeing an opportunity to help the child through some of her trauma, she formulated an idea.

"You remember Aunt Brooke? Well, she was your father Jack and my husband Richard's best friend! Now, you know she doesn't like boys, right?" Feeling Erica nod, she continued. "Well, did you know she went to dances with them and would dance with them both? She especially liked dancing with your daddy, Jack. She danced with him after your daddy and mommy's wedding."

Unbelieving, Erica leaned back and regarded her aunt. "She did?"

"Yes!" her aunt smiled. "Just because you dance with someone, doesn't mean you have to like them a lot. Lots of people go dancing and end up dancing with total strangers, and they still have a good time!" Heather could almost see the girl's thoughts rolling around her head, the child not even aware that she had managed to sneak in the fact that Jack was her father, Erica was her mother, and the consequence of both; that she wasn't Erica Hargrave.

Something about what her aunt was telling her refused to compute. She understood the words, but the idea refused to gel. Shaking her head to clear out the confusion, she changed back to the original subject. "So... even if a boy asks me to dance, it's still OK, even if I don't like boys?"

Heather nodded. "Yes, sweetie. Dancing isn't an invitation to date, it's a harmless social activity. You're still very young. I'll keep an eye on you. Does that help?" She hoped that the thought of dancing with a boy and bringing up dating would start to force the child's natural masculinity to finally reject the notion of being a girl, thus starting to break down the fantasy of being her own mother.

Her niece started to shake her head, like she'd just eaten something she found revolting. "Alright, Aunt Heather. I guess, if you say so."

"See?" Faith beamed. "I told you Mamma would help!"

Her mother released Erica and stood. "Alright, prayers and bed, ladies." Seeing both of them close their eyes and pray silently, she watched her niece most closely. Seeing that she still had a worried look on her face, she felt she could almost guess what the young girl was praying for. God, please don't let any boys ask to dance with me! She smiled knowingly as she waited from them to finish.

Seeing them both open their eyes and say "Amen.", Heather waited while they lay down and covered up. Kissing her niece on the forehead, then going around the bed to kiss her daughter the same way, she finally moved to the doorway and clicked off the lights.

"Goodnight, girls. Sweet dreams." she said softly.

"Goodnight, Mamma." Faith said through a yawn.

"Goodnight, Aunt Heather." grumbled Erica.

As the door closed, Erica closed her eyes and started to imagine what she would do at the party if a boy did ask her to dance. Her first thoughts were to punch his lights out, but she made herself imagine dancing with him. All it did was leave a sick feeling in her stomach as though she'd just devoured a rancid lemon. No matter how she tried to see it, she just couldn't see herself enjoying a dance with a boy the way she had with Faith.

After a moment, her thoughts drifted and the boy was replaced with April. A smile crept across her lips as she imagined April dancing the whole night with her... sweeping her across the floor over and over with Erica following her lead.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

Sitting at the vanity in her room, Erica watched the mirror while her aunt finished braiding her hair into two pigtails that came down the side of her head. The costume had been dropped off the day before and fit perfectly. With the shoes, dress, red braided pigtails, and a picnic basket with a small stuffed Cairn Terrier sticking up out of one side, she was the perfect image of Dorothy Gale. Watching her aunt tying off the blue ribbons at the end of her pigtails, she smiled at the reflection, still happy to see her young mother reflected back at her, even through her costume.

"There!" Heather exclaimed. "All perfect! Now don't pull on the ribbons or they'll come undone and your braids will come out, alright dear? I need to go change into my costume, so I'll be downstairs in a while."

"Yes, Aunt Heather!" Erica chirped. Picking up her basket, she practically skipped out into the hallway. As soon as she reached the marble hallway, she heard her footsteps louder than ever as each step was accompanied with a sharp double 'Click!' from her sparkly red shoes. The sound made her almost giddy, it made her feel so girly and feminine.

Walking toward the stairs, she met Franchesca coming the other way.

"Don't scrape your feet on the floor in those things, girl!" she barked. "If you scrape up the floor, it'll take me a week to buff it out!"

Lightening her step, she nodded her head at the maid. "Yes, Miss Franchesca." Erica watched as the grumbling woman sped her way past her to her aunt's bedroom, no doubt to assist with dressing her. Making her way down the stairs, she had to step carefully as she noticed that the shoes lacked any sort of tread and were a little slippery on the marble flooring.

Faith was adjusting her nurse's cap for the tenth time in the entryway mirror when she saw her cousin stepping carefully down the stairs. "Oh, Erica!" she cried. "You look beautiful! I'm so glad you're Mamma's Dorothy! You look way better in it than I did!"

Blushing as she reached the bottom step, Erica looked down. "Thanks Faith! I really do love the dress! And the shoes! They're just perfect!"

Looking at the basket, Faith giggled. "Miss Fuller did a great job with your Toto! It really looks like the dog from the movie!"

"Yeah, I think it really sells the whole costume!" Twirling around, Erica watched the skirt of her dress flare out before falling back to her legs. Looking at her cousin she remarked, "Your costume looks really neat! But should you have a stethoscope? I thought only doctors used those?"

"No, nurses use them, too." Faith answered with a shake of her head. "They use them before the doctor to take a patient's heart beat and blood pressure."

"I guess so." Erica shrugged. "Is that a real one or just a toy?"

"It's a real one! Mamma took it out of the first aid kit!" Faith put the ends in her ears and stepped up to her cousin. "OK, let me hear your heartbeat, Dorothy!" Placing the stethoscope on her cousin's upper left chest, she giggled. "I can hear it! Your heart beat's fast, Erica... I mean... Dorothy!"

Looking down shyly, she skipped her foot across the marble floor and marveled at the sound it made. "I guess I'm a little nervous. I'll be meeting lots of new people tonight."

The sun getting low in the sky, the two girls bantered back and forth for half an hour before they heard someone coming. Erica's eyes widened and her jaw dropped as she saw her aunt descending like Glinda in her bubble, as smooth as the silk in the woman's dress, which was an exact copy of the one worn by the Good Witch of the North in the classic movie.

"Wow!" Erica breathed out slowly. "Aunt Heather, you look beautiful!"

Heather blushed at the compliment as she reached the bottom of the stairs. "Thank you, Dorothy Gale!" she joked, waving her wand over her niece. "You are most definitely, a good witch!"

The comment made Faith giggle. "You do look very pretty, Mamma!"

"Thank you, dear." she hummed.

A moment later, Fredrick appeared from the kitchen, dressed in a fine chauffeur's jacket and cap. "Are you ready to depart, Madame? Miss Faith? Miss Dorothy?"

The girl in pigtails giggled and curtsied lightly. "Thank you, Fredrick! Is it time to follow the yellow brick road?"

He allowed himself a slight smile. "Indeed, Miss. However I believe that we shall not be going to Oz this evening. May I?" he asked, extending his hand to the young girl.

Taking the offered hand and blushing, she let him escort her out the door and to the waiting limousine, followed by her aunt and cousin. Just as Cook was about to close the door, Franchesca yelled from the staircase.

"Don't you three dare move a muscle!" she bellowed, racing down the stairs. "I swear, you people don't know nothin' about anythin'! Just wait there!" she ordered as she readied her camera. "Alright, now you girls stand in front of Mrs. Hargrave. Fredrick! You get yourself out of the picture! This is for them, not you!" she barked.

Moving to the side, he stood patiently while Franchesca snapped pictures in rapid succession. Then, having Faith move to the side, took several of Erica and her aunt by themselves. Once she seemed satisfied, Erica spoke up.

"Miss Franchesca? Could you take a picture with me and Fredrick?"

His eyebrows shot up in his faint note of surprise. "Me, Miss Erica?"

She proudly stepped over toward him. "Yes you, Fredrick! And it's Miss Dorothy, if you please! After all, you are our carriage driver for the evening, even if it isn't pulled by the Horse of a Different Color!" she smiled as she gestured toward the car.

A lump formed in Fredrick's throat. "I'd be honored, Miss Dorothy." he intoned formally as he stood ramrod straight.

With Erica standing in front of the huge man, he placed his hands protectively on her shoulders while Franchesca took a few pictures. Once done, the girl took Fredrick by the hand and pulled him toward the maid. "Now Fredrick, would you take one of me and Franchesca?"

Franchesca balked. "What, me? Looking like this? Are you out of your cotton picking mind, missy?"

Looking up at the maid with pleading eyes, Erica melted the maid's heart with one word. "Please?"

"Oh, alright!" she gave in. "But be quick about it, Fredrick! They don't have all night and it's getting cold out!"

Taking the camera while Erica turned and stood in front of the woman, Fredrick took a few pictures of Erica standing in front of a very stern looking Franchesca with the house in the background. When they finished, Erica turned to her and said, "Thank you, Aunt Em!"

Franchesca blinked rapidly in surprise; her mouth hanging open. "Aunt Em!? Why..." Her fury was lost in the sweetness of the sentiment. Huffing as she tried to be mad, eventually she just stormed back to the house, refusing to take the camera from Fredrick. "Keep it! You might think about taking some pictures with it tonight, if you can be bothered to remember!"

Theresa waited by the front door, smiling as Franchesca stomped her way up the steps. "Why, Francine! Are you tearing up?"

The middle-aged woman shook her head. "Of course not! It's just cold out! And don't call me that! My name's Franchesca, if you please!"

The two watched as Erica, Faith, and Heather climbed into the car, followed by Fredrick getting in the front seat. Cook waved at the three of them as they drove off. "I hope they have a good time." she wished.

While the trio rode to the party, Erica began to fidget with her braids.

"Careful sweetie, you don't want to pull them out." her aunt warned again.

Dropping her hands into her lap, she let out a deep breath, hoping it would take the nervousness out of her with it. "Yes, Aunt Heather. I guess I'm still a little nervous."

Her aunt smiled at her. "I'm sure you'll have a lovely time." Noticing her distracted daughter she asked, "Faith? Are you alright?"

Snapping her head around away from the window, Faith looked at her. "Huh?" she asked distractedly. "Oh, I'm fine, Mamma. Just thinking."

"About what, dear?"

Faith adjusted her nurse's cap once again. "Just wondering if anyone will think it's weird that you two are dressed for The Wizard of Oz and I'm just a plain old nurse." She adjusted the dark half-cape she wore that was now bunched up behind her back.

Her mother looked at her lovingly. "You look lovely, dear. Stop worrying! Your costume is perfect for you."

"Yes, Mamma." she replied uncertainly, turning to the window once more.

Erica tried to cheer her up. "Faith? I think you look prettier than I do. I almost wish we could trade!"

"Oh no, Erica!" she exclaimed as she turned back to face her cousin. "You look much better as Dorothy than I did! You don't even need a wig!"

Tugging at her braids, Erica sighed. "I wish my hair was a little longer, though. I guess I just need to be patient."

"You can be my patient!" Faith giggled.

The two others in the car groaned at the pun as they sped toward the party.

The car pulled off the highway, lurching down the dirt road toward the Dempsey's house. Erica could see lights around the outside of the barn, glowing in a thousand brilliant orange twinkling points. The huge doors were closed, but she could see light spilling out from every window, making the building shine on the scattered spots of snow surrounding it.

The sun had only gone down a few minutes before and several children were still roaming around the corral with the ponies. A small wagon could be seen pulling to a stop next to the barn, several teenagers clambering down from the back that was loaded with hay for them to sit on, while more waited beside it for their turn... each holding hands with another. A shriek penetrated the exterior of the car as they pulled to a stop, the shrill happy cry of one of the children running through the frosty pumpkin patch.

Once Fredrick opened the car door, Heather emerged first, followed by Faith. Erica suddenly found herself terrified to leave the security of the limousine and only started to exit after her aunt told her to come along. The cold air assaulted her nose, along with the scent of horses, hay, and wood smoke coming from the chimney of the main house. She could almost taste the pumpkin pie that lingered on the air as they approached the barn. She was vaguely aware of her aunt exchanging greetings with several people as they made their way, feeling the crunch of frozen dirt underneath her shoes.

She was also aware that their approach was garnering a lot of attention from those outside. She watched blankly as several groups of people turned to each other, obviously talking about the trio as they would huddle together and talk amongst themselves with occasional glances their way. Blushing and looking away, she moved closer to her aunt and took her free hand. She heard Faith greet several other children, making comments on their costumes and thanking them for their compliments on hers.

Following her aunt into the barn, Erica's eyes had to adjust to the bright atmosphere. Lights decorated every part of the building, lighting every corner and crevice in a cheery way. A long table covered in food sat along the wall to her right while a dance floor and speakers took up the area to her left, pumping out the lively recorded tune of an Irish fiddle. Ahead were tables and chairs, most empty, where guests could sit and enjoy the hospitality, while simple log benches lined the far wall.

Heather smiled brightly as one of their hosts approached. "Michael! It's so good of you to invite us again!"

Michael Dempsey approached the three, eating up the distance in a few broad steps. "Heather! Sure'n it's glad Ah am ye' could come!" Having emigrated from Ireland only twelve years earlier, his brogue was still thick, Erica straining to understand him. "So what's this, now? Two iníon? Ah could o' sworn ye' had only one las' time Ah checked!"

Laughing, Heather explained their third guest. "Michael, I'd like you to meet my niece, Erica. She's come to live with us." Pulling the girl out in front of herself, she watched as Mr. Dempsey lowered himself down to Erica's eye level.

"Erica, eh? Sure'n yer name won't be Katherine or Sinead? What part o' Eire do ye' come from? With hair like that, she's dotey and must be Gaelic! You wouldn't be chancin' me arm, now would ye'?"

Furrowing her brow, Erica stammered, "I... um... huh?"

Michael laughed merrily and slapped his knee. "S'alright, darlin'. Me name's Michael and Ah'll be happy ta' know ye', Erica." He extended his hand to the girl and shook it gently as she took his. Straightening up with a groan, he looked around at the guests. "Well, me Mot air back in th' Gaff fixin' up more ta' eat. That gal be up ta' ninety every year fir this!"

Having gotten used to his brogue, Heather understood and looked back toward the main house where his wife was preparing more food for their guests. "Will Emma be joining us later?" she asked, having to shout a little over the music that seemed to be getting louder by the minute.

"Ah should think so." Michael grinned before he looked at Faith. "Faith, me darlin'! Now don't ye' look deadly! You gun take care o' me in me old age, cailín óg? Sure I could use nursin' from a dote like you!" Lowering his voice so only she could hear him, he added, "Jus' dun be tellin' me Mot! She's fiery jealous o' pretty girseach makin' time wi' her fella!"

"Sure, Mr. Dempsey!" Faith blushed. "Do you really like my costume?"

The man patted her on the shoulder, not able to pat her head due to her cap. "Aye, girseach! Savage ta' be sure!" Looking back up at Heather, he nodded as his smile faded. "Well, if'n you be excusin' me, I need th' Jacks!"

As he made his way out of the barn, Erica turned to her aunt. "Aunt Heather? Did you understand anything he just said?"

"Yes, sweetie." she answered. "But I've known Michael for many years. His wife Emma and I are very good friends, so I've managed to learn a little Irish Gaelic over time. He asked you what part of Ireland you come from, said you were cute, and that your red hair means you must be from Ireland. Then he asked if you were trying to fool him."

Erica gulped. "Fool him?"

"Into thinking you weren't Irish, sweetie." she explained. "As for the rest... well... let's just say he's been enjoying the party a bit much!"

Leading the two girls to an empty bench alongside the far side of the barn, they were stopped and greeted several more times by other guests who all seemed enchanted by the shy new addition to Heather's family. Erica didn't say much, other than the occasional "Thank you." accompanied by blushing at their compliments in regards to her costume.

Sitting down on the log bench, its surface sanded and polished until it shone, less than a minute went by before Heather was approached once more. Erica saw the man walking up wearing a black tuxedo, complete with a cane, top hat, and a small black domino mask. He was tall and thin with dark wavy hair that was matched with a small but neat mustache.

"Heather?" he greeted her. "Would you care to join me?" indicating the dance floor.

She smiled politely and nodded, letting him help her back to her feet. "John? First I would like you to meet my niece, Erica. Erica? This is John William. He's an acquaintance of mine."

Erica only nodded to him shyly.

John bowed to her with perfection. "Charmed, I'm sure. Shall we, Heather?"

While he escorted her to the dance floor, Faith leaned in and whispered to Erica. "He's always wanting to take Mamma out on dates, but she won't go with him. She says he's too slick."

Looking over at the two of them dancing, Erica glowered. "So why is she dancing with him then?" she asked.

"Mamma says dancing is just for fun and he is a good dancer." Faith shrugged. "Besides, it's considered rude to refuse a request to dance." Just then, a preteen boy dressed as a vampire walked up in front of the girls.

"Hi, Greg." Faith greeted him nonchalantly before turning her attention back to Erica.

"H-Hi!" he nervously stammered out. "Faith? You wouldn't care to dance, would you?"

She turned back and smiled genuinely at him. "I'd be happy to, Greg!" she replied, extending her hand for him to help her up. Making her way to the dance floor, she looked back at her cousin and smiled.

Now sitting alone and watching her cousin and aunt dance, Erica's thoughts drifted to two days earlier when her cousin first taught her how to dance. She smiled at the memory of her dream about dancing with April, but it melted when she remembered the following day.

Erica almost ran up the stairs after eating breakfast and saying goodbye to her aunt. She knew Franchesca would want a lot of help, and she was determined to be as helpful as possible. Approaching her aunt's open bedroom door, she saw the maid inside making the bed.

"Good morning, Miss Franchesca." she greeted her cheerily. "Would you like help with anything?"

Franchesca looked at the girl standing in the doorway. Her brow furrowed in suspicion. "Just what are you up to, young lady?" she interrogated. "The only time anyone offers to help me around here is when they want something. So what is it?"

Clasping her hands in front of her skirt, Erica looked down at her feet. "Well, I was hoping, if you wouldn't mind later, after I help you, if you would let me use your computer to go online and check email and things?"

The maid nodded. "Ah ha! So that's it! I knew there had to be something!" She was finishing straightening the bed covers when she looked over at the hopeful girl waiting expectantly. "Well, don't just stand there, girl! Go into the bath, gather up the laundry, take it downstairs, and add it to the laundry pile! Sort it into light colors, darks, delicates, and bleachable whites. Got it? Oh, and make sure you set aside any hand wash items separate from the others."

Erica smiled and lightly bobbed. "Yes, Miss Franchesca!" Rushing into the bathroom, she did as instructed and was soon on her way down the stairs with her arms loaded with her aunt's laundry. Faith was sitting in the living room reading when she saw her cousin.

"Erica?" she inquired. "What are you doing?"

She paused and looked around the laundry bundle in her arms at her cousin. "Helping Franchesca. What does it look like I'm doing? Painting?"

Faith tilted her head. "But why?"

Pausing again after only taking one more step down the stairs, Erica sighed. "Because she needs help!"

Shaking her head slightly in confusion, Faith pointed out, "But you're doing her job."

Sighing frustratedly after one more step down, Erica turned to her again. "That's the point Faith! I'm helping her now so she can help me later."

"Help you with what?" Faith asked, still confused.

She didn't answer for a moment so she could get more than one step down per question, otherwise at the rate she was going it would be noon before she even reached the bottom step. Once at the bottom, Erica turned her body to the side to look at Faith around the clothes piled in her arms. "With getting online. I want to check email and stuff and Franchesca is the only one with a computer."

"Freddie has one, too." Faith advised.

Her cousin started toward the laundry room. "But Fredrick isn't here." she retorted, shaking her head as Faith finally shrugged and went back to her book. Carrying the bundle through the kitchen and into the laundry room, Erica began sorting it as instructed. Within half an hour she had all the loads sorted and felt very accomplished when Franchesca came in.

The maid inspected the piles and nodded in satisfaction. "That'll do. Now get into that library and start clearing out the desk in the northeast corner."

Erica started to leave, then stopped and turned back to the maid. "Which way is northeast?" she asked innocently.

Rolling her eyes, she pointed in the four cardinal directions. "South! West! North! East! Northeast is the corner that's around the corner and to the right when you go in the library door! Don't you know anything?"

Theresa barged in following her harsh instructions. "Now Francine, don't bark at the girl! She's only trying to be helpful! How in blue blazes should she know which way is north here? She's only lived here three days!"

"She knows which way the sun comes up doesn't she?" Franchesca barked at Cook. "She should since it comes in her bedroom window every morning! That's East the world around... and don't call me Francine!"

The cook waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, quiet! Go on, Erica. Tend to your task and I'll see to it Faith and Franchesca are in to help you shortly."

The maid put her hands on her hips defiantly as Erica left the laundry room and ran out the kitchen door to the dining room. "Oh? And who put you in charge of the household? You can just be in charge of that kitchen! Leave the rest of the house to me!"

Lifting her nose in the air, Theresa looked down her nose at the harsh maid. "In that case girlie, you can cook your own meals and find a way to do it that doesn't come into that kitchen!" Turning, she sashayed out of the laundry room haughtily.

Fuming as she pursued Cook, Franchesca wagged a finger at her. "Now listen here, you! Just because..." She was interrupted as she stepped through the open archway into the kitchen.

"Stop!" Theresa shouted. "Not one step further until you've helped that girl fix up the library! Don't think I was kidding when I said you could scrounge up your own food until you do! Now, out!" she yelled, wielded her wooden stirring spoon like a battle-axe, and chased the maid back into the laundry. "Out, out, out!"

"Well!" breathed Francesca in frustration. "Of all the... you can't... Ooooo!" She stomped her foot in frustration and charged back into the laundry to quickly start the first load.

Turning to the right as she entered the library, Erica found the desk and saw it was covered in books, papers, pens, boxes, and assorted office supplies. Sighing, she dived into the mess. Before anyone had made it into the room to assist, she'd emptied the entire desktop and returned every book to its proper place on the shelves. The boxes of office supplies sorted, she found places for them in the desk drawers and cleared the loose papers into a single pile. Erica had just sat down when Franchesca came in with Faith in tow.

"What are you doing missy! Loafing on the job?"

"Oh no, Miss Franchesca!" Erica stood quickly. "I just finished the desk! All that's left is this pile of papers I collected off of it. A grownup will have to decide what gets done with those."

She looked at the desk and started going through the drawers while Faith looked at her cousin in amazement.

"You did all that by yourself?" the older girl asked.

"Uh-huh!" Erica nodded. "I'm really good at organizing!" she joked, making reference to Faith's comments two days earlier.

The maid finished by wiping her finger across the desk. "Well, it's still dirty, but I'll take care of that. You two, clear out! I still have a lot of work to catch up on!"

Standing and waiting as Faith left the library, Erica looked at the woman. "Miss Franchesca?" she asked hopefully.

Looking up, she scowled. "What are you still doing here?" Realizing after a moment that the girl was waiting for an answer to her earlier request, she nodded knowingly. "Oh. Well, I'll come get you when I have time, girl."

She twisted back and forth in place slightly, twirling the hem of her skirt. "Is there anything else I can help you with, then?"

Losing patience, she leaned on the desk. "Yes! You can help me by skedaddling! Shoo!" She waved her hands at Erica dismissively.

Several hours passed while Erica sat and read 'Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm'. She was deep into the story when she heard from the top of the stairs, "Well? I thought you wanted to use my computer?" asked Franchesca. "Change your mind?"

Erica closed the book and stood quickly. "No, Miss Franchesca! Coming!" She walked quickly up the stairs and joined the maid as she walked past her and Faith's room.

"Now I want to make this clear. You can use my computer for twenty minutes! Got that? No more! I get a twenty minute break and I won't have you in my room when I'm not there!" As Franchesca spoke, the two made their way to the end of the hall near her aunt's bedroom door and turned left down a smaller hallway with four doors, two on each side. Franchesca opened the first one on the right and Erica followed her in.

The room was decently sized, about the size of most bedrooms Erica had lived in, but much smaller than her and Faith's shared room. The double bed took up most of the room, with cedar nightstands on either side of it. The room was immaculate with not a speck of dust anywhere and no clutter. The wall opposite the bed had a matching dresser, wardrobe, and a desk instead of a vanity. The only piece that looked out of place was the chair for the desk, which was more like an office chair than fine furniture.

"Alright!" Franchesca barked. "You can sit there and do what you need to do. I'll be watching from my bed while I relax... so no funny business! I don't want to see anything inappropriate on that screen, you hear?"

Erica nodded and smiled. "Yes, Miss Franchesca! I promise!" Quickly sitting and grabbing the mouse, she opened up a browser and entered in her email homepage. While April's parents could stop her from calling, texting, and emailing using her cell phone, they couldn't stop April from using her school email account. Checking her messages, she was worried that she hadn't gotten anything from April. Hoping that she would have found a way to reach out to her, she started drafting an email to go to April's school address.

"Dear April,

I am OK. I arrived in New Hampshire Tuesday afternoon and there was a long cab ride to my aunt's house, so I didn't get in until it was getting dark. Right after I got here, the power went out and stayed out until last night. There's no cell service here, so Internet and an old phone are the only ways I have to reach you. (and Internet doesn't work if the power's out) I tried calling you on Wednesday, but your parents wouldn't let me talk to you. They said you were sad and told me never to call you again because it would just make you sadder. They changed your cell number and email, but I know you can still get email from me at school. I miss you very much!

Things are OK here. I got to see snow yesterday! Real snow! My cousin Faith and I made snow angels and built a snowman! My aunt is nice and so are Fredrick, (he's the butler and chauffeur) Cook, (who does all the cooking) and Franchesca, too. (she does the cleaning and works really hard... she's strict, but I know she's nice)

I don't know how often I can write. I want to tell you SO much! Things are REALLY different here. We're going to a Halloween party on Sunday and everyone wears a costume. Even grown-ups! I'm going to be Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz! The house is really old and even when the power went out we still had lights because the house uses a light called a gaslight that works without electricity. They're all built into the walls like normal lights, but they get turned on and off like a camping lantern! It's kind of cool!

I hope you aren't sad when you get my message. I don't want you to be sad, but I know how you feel. I was so sad when I had to go and still hurt inside a lot from missing you. You're the best friend I ever had and always will be!

I don't have a lot of time. Franchesca was nice enough to let me use her computer on her break, but I don't want to take too much of her time. So I'll try to write you again soon.

Love,
Erica"

She smiled as she sent the email and glanced at the time. Erica saw she still had several minutes left, so she brought up Facebook and looked at her contact list, but April wasn't on it and there was a notification that she'd unfriended her. Crestfallen that April's parents had gotten to this too, she noticed a few odd things. Perplexed, she looked at the pictures of her old life on her homepage and felt a twinge of discomfort when she saw the death notice written by Eric and all the condolences for her loss from her grown up friends. Shaking her head dismissively, she took comfort in knowing that her email would get to April through the school.

Just as she was closing Facebook, she saw a notice in her email inbox. Excited, she switched to it and read the subject line. Her smile vanished when she saw it was a notice telling her that her email couldn't be delivered.

Franchesca had been watching the entire time, holding back tears at the girl's inability to reach out to her friend and take small comfort in that last connection to her life as it had been. Shaking herself, she got up off her bed and decided she would help in the only way she knew how, by eliminating the reminder of her sadness.

"Alright, missy! That's enough." she growled. "Close it down and get on with your own things. My break's almost over and I have a schedule to keep!"

Dejected, Erica stood up and started shuffling toward the door. "Yes, Miss Franchesca." she mumbled.

Exiting the room, Franchesca stopped the young girl and turned her around to face her. "Erica, I want you to know, I... well..." Unable to formulate the right words, she wrapped her arms around Erica and held her tightly while the child silently cried on the woman's shoulder. She soothed away her sadness with comforting pets on the girl's head. "It's alright, dear. I know. It's all confusing and it hurts, but it'll all be alright."

After a short time, Erica stopped crying and nodded at the older woman. "Th-thank you, Miss F-Franchesca. I... I'll be alright."

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

Lost in the sorrow of her memories, Erica didn't even notice the boy who stood in front of her.

"Helloo?" he said for the third time, waving his hand in front of her sad and distant eyes.

Snapping out of her reverie, Erica finally looked up at the young man in front of her. He was heavyset, but not obese, and his short flame-red hair topped his round face, fitting with the outlandish hat he wore. His costume was The Mad Hatter from the live action film that had just been released earlier that year; a mad assortment of colors and patterns of cloth. "Um... hi." she responded shyly.

"Ah'm Mike Junior." he said, holding out his hand after wiping some cake crumbs off of it. "Mamaí and Daid air th' ones giving this party. Ah don't thin' Ah've seen ye' here a'fore. Are ye' new?"

His accent was an odd mixture of Irish brogue she'd heard from the boy's father earlier and the typical northeastern accent she'd started getting used to from the people she'd met since arriving. Taking his hand and giving it a soft shake, she replied, "My... my name's Erica... Hargrave." She pointed at her aunt, still dancing with John William. "That's my aunt Heather."

Mike sat next to her. "So ye' must be'n Faith's cousin, then. Ah heard Daid talkin' ta' Mamaí about ye'. He says ye' must be from Eire."

She shook her head, her short braids and ribbons tickling her shoulders. "Do you mean Ireland? No, I'm from Southern California."

His eyes widened. "Ya' mean like Hollywood? Did ye' ever see any famous TV or movie stars?"

Shaking her head once more, Erica giggled. "No! I'm from Newport Beach... that's fifty miles from Hollywood!"

The boy's face dropped. "Oh. S-sorry. Ah din' mean ta'..." His voice trailed off and he hung his head embarrassedly. "Ach! I kin be such a awful eejit! Ye' must be thinkin' Ah'm some kind o' thick!"

"Not at all!" Erica comforted him. "It's just a question!"

Anxiously, he looked over at the girl. "Say, would ye care ta' dance? Ah'm nay very good, but Ah won't be steppin' on yer feet!"

Stiffening, Erica remembered what Faith had told her about refusing a dance. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, she took a breath and nodded. "Alright, but I'm not very good, either. I just know the box step and waltz."

He stood and held out his hand to her. "Well then, we're matched!"

Taking his hand, Erica let him escort her to the dance floor. She assumed the position Faith had taught her, only to see Mike start to assume the lead position backwards.

"Ach! S'cuse me!" he mumbled as he reversed positions.

She smiled at his nervousness, comforted that he was as uncomfortable as she was, and waited for him to start. She watched him listening for the beat and counting to himself. At the start of the next measure, he began with a simple box step that fit the three-four beat of the song. Moving in a slow square, she could see he was focused on nothing but counting, his eyes looking down to the left and his lips counting silently. Trying to make him more comfortable, she tried distracting him.

"Hey, Mike! I bet we look weird! Dorothy dancing with the Mad Hatter?" she joked. "I bet some people might think I'm Alice!"

His concentration broken, he looked at his partner for the first time since they'd begun. "Huh? Ach! Ah suppose so!" Looking around at the other dancers, he nodded toward her cousin. "Get a load o' them, though... a vampire an' a nurse! Wot? She th' one what gets his meals fir 'im?"

Erica laughed and nodded toward another pair. "Look at them! A cowgirl and a zombie! Too weird!"

The two spent a minute pointing out odd pairings before Erica turned to look at him directly. "Hey, Mike? Did you notice something else?"

"Wot?" he looked back.

"You stopped counting, but we never stopped dancing!" she grinned.

Blushing, Mike looked down. "Aye, Ah told ya' Ah wasn't very good!"

"But you never stepped on my feet!" she giggled.

Eventually the music ended and most of the dancers made their way off the floor. The two were headed back to their bench talking about the Dempsey's ponies when they ran into a group of three older boys blocking their way.

"Well, if it isn't the little Mick-ey!" the tallest of them said in a snide tone. Turning to Erica he flashed a charming grin at her. "Is this oaf bothering you, Miss?"

Looking him over, Erica could tell he was handsome, athletic, and thought it made him irresistible. Furrowing her brow, she took Mike's hand, making her dance partner's eyes bug out. "No, he's not! Who are you to ask?"

The boy straightened up and looked at his buddies incredulously. "Who am I? I guess you must be new! I'm Chet... Chet Mansfield!" he stated as though that should mean something to the girl. His face turning cruel, he then glared down at Mike and lowered his tone. "And you were just leaving! Right, pipsqueak?"

Her grip on Mike's hand tightened and she put her other hand on his shoulder, just as she started to feel Mike start to move away. "If he is, then we both are, dork! Come on, Mike!" Erica pulled on his arm and almost dragged him toward the bench they'd been sitting at as the three boys stood stunned. Her blood boiling mad, she could feel the adrenaline pumping and the overwhelming desire to knock Chet's block off.

"Erica!" Mike hollered. "Ah thin' yer pullin' mah arm oot th' socket!"

She stopped and looked back at the three boys who started talking and then looking over their shoulders at the two. "Sorry, Mike." Erica said as she tried to calm herself. "I just can't stand smart aleck guys that think they're God's gift! Oooo! It burns me up! I wish April were here! She'd tear those wise guys up one side and down the other!"

Confused but curious, Mike asked, "April?"

She sighed as she turned her back to the boys and interposed herself between them and Mike. "She's my best friend back in Newport Beach. I really miss her and wish she was here right now! I'm not usually that brave! In fact, I've never stood up to a bully in my life!"

"Well, Ah thin' yer awesome!" Mike smiled at her. "No one tells off Chet like that! All th' girseach think he's dotey!"

She tilted her head the way she'd adopted from Faith as she resumed slowly leading him back to their bench where Faith and her aunt were sitting once again. "What's a girseach? And what's dotey?"

He trailed along, glad that she was no longer pulling on his arm, but very aware that she still held his hand. "Wot? Ach! Girseach is a girl and dotey means cute." Mike swallowed hard and gathered his nerve. "L-like you! A dotey girseach ta' be sure!"

Erica paused a moment as she slowly realized that she had managed to get this poor boy all wound up over her. "Oh!" she exclaimed. "You think I'm cute? No! I'm just ordinary. Faith is the cute one!"

"Nay, Erica!" he shook his head. "Ah thin' yer class! I know Chet'd sure like ya' ta' be his cailín!" Realizing she was about to ask, he explained. "If somthin' is class, it's really good, like awesome... and um... someone's cailín... is... um... their girlfriend." Mike blushed as he added, "Ah know Ah wish ye' ware mine." His eyes looked down as he finished, certain that this pretty new girl was about to laugh in his face.

What it did do was make Erica stop and cause her jaw to drop. No one, boy or girl, had ever shown her any interest that she knew of. While Erica knew she liked girls, it gave her pause as she tried to imagine dating this cute and interesting boy and had to repress a shudder. Closing her mouth, she tried to let him down gently. "Um, that's really sweet of you Mike. If I liked boys, I'd probably want to be your... um... cailín? Is that it?"

Mike nodded. "Aye, that it is." Sure that she was just trying to get rid of him, he asked point blank. "Do ye' not date boys, yet?"

"I don't date at all, yet." she shook her head. "But when I start dating, it won't be boys." she tried hinting a little more bluntly.

After a moment's contemplation, his eyes opened wide. "Oi! Yer aerach?" Seeing her confused look, he explained once more. "Um... ye' like girls?"

"Nothing personal." Erica nodded unashamedly.

Noticing she was still holding his hand, Mike looked down at them in confusion. "Then why did ye'..."

She laughed as they resumed their slow walk back. "Because I still like you! Better than that snob Chet, anyway! I just don't like like you! You're interesting and nice... for a guy." Finally reaching her aunt, she released his hand. "Aunt Heather? Faith? Do you know Mike?"

"Nice ta' be see'n ye again, Mrs. Hargrave. Faith." He bowed slightly to her aunt. Turning to Erica, he smiled. "Thank ye' fir th' dance, Erica. Kin Ah be gettin' ye' a drink? Or cake?"

Smiling as she sat by Heather, Faith on her aunt's other side, Erica answered, "Thank you, Mike. Punch would be... um... class!" Seeing the boy smile at her use of Irish slang, she watched him speed off to the refreshment table.

Watching the exchange with interest and more than a little concern, Heather turned to her niece. "So, did you enjoy dancing with Mike?"

"It was OK, I guess." Erica shrugged. "I more liked talking with him, though. He's a nice guy. He started teaching me a few Irish words, and he also likes some of the same things I do... horses in particular."

Her aunt leaned down and whispered a gentle warning into her ear. "He seems to be quite taken with you, Erica. How does that make you feel?"

"It's fine." she shrugged. "I know he does. He told me. I told him I don't like boys though, and he was fine with it. He didn't seem to care, anyway."

Still worried, Heather watched the Dempsey boy rushing back with Erica's punch. "I don't think he cares, sweetie. In fact, I think he doesn't care so much, he's still taken with you in spite of it! You need to be careful, dear. You could easily hurt his feelings."

Mike handed Erica a plastic cup with an orange punch in it. "Yer drink, m'lady!" he said while bowing to her with a toothy grin.

She took the drink with a shy, "Thank you." and sipped it, the flavor similar to orange soda and tickling her nose. When another song began, she saw Chet making his way up to the foursome. "Oh, no!" Erica mumbled.

The popular boy stopped in front of Faith and bowed to her, extending his hand. "May I have the pleasure?" he asked smoothly, glancing sideways to Erica who was trying to bore a hole in his head with her glare.

Smiling, completely unaware of Chet's earlier cruel remarks, Faith took his hand. "I'd be delighted, Chet!" she said as she stood.

Watching him with her head lowered, Erica's eyes were thin as slits as he escorted Faith to the dance floor. "Oily snake!" she muttered.

Heather looked from her daughter to her niece. "Who? Chet Mansfield? He's a fine boy, Erica!"

She glared at them starting to dance. "He's a two-faced, oily snake that thinks he's all that! He probably only asked Faith to dance to get under my skin... the jerk!"

"I'm sure you're mistaken." Heather scoffed. "Did something happen between you two?"

"Chet the Chump threatened Mike." Erica snarled as she crossed her arms angrily, her eyes never leaving the bully across the room. "Oh, not in a blatantly obvious way, but he made it clear that he wanted Mike to leave me alone with him! As if!" Mike only just taking a seat next to her, she turned to him. "Mike? Would you like to dance again?"

The boy turned white as a sheet as he stumbled back to his feet. "Um, sure Erica! Ah'd be happy ta'!" Extending a hand to her, his fingers were nearly crushed as Erica gripped them tightly and stood back up.

"Excuse me, Aunt Heather." she fumed as she took the lead in dragging the boy back to the dance floor. Assuming her position, she waited for Mike to take his, but was surprised when he stood there silently. "What's the matter, Mike?"

Shuffling, he looked at her. "Ah git th' fealin' tha' ye' don't sah much as want ta' dance wi' me as much as ye wan' ta' show up Chet."

Realizing he was right and how that must have made him feel, understanding how right her aunt was, Erica calmed down and looked at the floor. "You're right Mike, and I'm sorry. I actually would like to dance with you again... if you like... but I understand if you would rather just find someone else."

Mike smiled as he shook his head. "Nay, Erica. Ah wouldn't." He stepped up close and took her hand, letting his other slip around her back, starting to waltz with the others.

She seriously tried to keep her focus on Mike, but every time Faith and Chet moved into view she couldn't help but look over his shoulder at them. Realizing she was still being unfair to Mike, Erica made herself listen to what he was saying, mostly talking about his parent's ranch and their horses. After a while, she found it easier to listen and comment and wasn't even noticing her cousin any longer. When the dance ended, they started back to her aunt, but were stopped when Chet cut in front of them.

"Oh, sorry Mick-ey." Chet snidely faux-apologized. "You're so short and round, I thought you were one of the tables!"

Finally overcome with anger and loathing, Erica had reached her boiling point. Rearing back, she poured out all her pent-up emotions into one act, letting fly with an amazingly fast and strong right jab into Chet's lower abdomen that doubled him over. "Serves you right, jerk!" she screamed at him with all the fury in her heart pouring out freely.

Quickly, they were surrounded with adults trying to find out what had happened. Faith turned and watched her cousin descend into complete panic. She tried to make her way over to Erica, but couldn't reach her before the terrified girl ran for the barn door.

Just reaching the forming crowd to find out what was going on, Heather spotted her daughter. Grabbing Faith's arm, she pulled her aside. "What happened?"

"Erica punched Chet in the stomach! Laid him out, too!"

Closing her eyes, Heather tried to compose herself. Taking a deep breath, she looked around just in time to see Erica run out the barn door. "Wait here." her mother ordered as she hurried off after her niece.

Faith stood by numbly as her mother and Mike both ran after Erica.

His small size allowing him to move more easily through the crowd, Mike reached the door and was out and hot on Erica's heels before Heather had even made it halfway. "Erica!" he called out after her. "Slow up, girseach!"

Tears streamed down her cheeks as Erica ran through the cold evening air, not even caring if she drew attention. When she heard Mike's voice call out to her, she collapsed to the ground and began to cry in earnest. She wasn't hurt physically, no one had even laid a finger on her, but her stomach was balled up like a rock, as though she had been the one punched in the gut.

Running up to her, Mike quickly removed his multicolored coat and dropped it over her shoulders while she sat kneeling on her hands and knees in the frozen dirt. "Erica?" he asked concerned. "Air ye' a'right?"

She shook her head slowly. "No, Mike! I'm not! He just... he made me so mad when he insulted you! I don't even know why I did it! I just..." Tears began to flow once again just as her aunt approached.

Mike looked over at Heather as she crouched down next to her niece. "Sweetheart? Are you alright?" she woman asked concernedly.

Looking up at her, Erica shook her head. "Why does everyone keep asking me that? Chet was the one that got punched! By me! I punched someone!" she cried in stunned disbelief at her own actions.

Slowly, she helped Erica back to her feet. "Yes sweetie, but obviously something is wrong or it wouldn't have happened." Heather knew exactly what the problem was. Her niece had begun to see Chet, a boy that rubbed her the wrong way, as an object of all her pent up rage and frustration with the world. Just as she'd tried to transfer to herself the target of Eric's anger, Chet must have done something to cause Erica to pour it onto him instead. "Did he do something to you? Or to Mike? Did he say something?"

Beginning to shiver as she nodded, despite Mike's coat, Erica tried three times to answer, but it just wouldn't come out of her mouth, as though the ability to speak had somehow been robbed from her.

Shivering without his coat, Mike tapped Heather on the shoulder. "Ah thin' Ah kin explain, Mrs. Hargrave." he offered. "We ware makin' oor way off th' dance floor when Chet cut in front o' us an' made a rude remark... towards meself." He lowered his head ashamedly, thinking he was the cause of Erica's grief.

Heather gathered the two in her arms and started toward the main house. "I see. Why don't we go in and get warm. Then we'll talk. Alright, sweetie?" Erica nodded as she fought back another torrent of tears.

Entering his home, Mike ran to the kitchen. "Mamaí? I need some hot cider!"

Emma Dempsey stood up from crouching in front of the oven. "Where 'air yer' coat, boy!" she barked at him. "You'll catch yer death runnin' around out there half-naked!"

The twelve-year-old rolled his eyes at his mother's protectiveness. "Mamaí! First, Ah airn't half-naked! Second, Ah needed ta' give mah coat ta' Erica. Third, that's why Ah need th' hot cider. Where'd ye' put it?"

His mother put her fists on her hips. "Erica who? An' dun be givin' me none o' yer' lip, boyo!"

Seeing the cider bowl on the counter behind her, he grabbed three cups and tried to make his way around his mother while he explained. The more he talked, the more his mother's face melted from angry to concerned. "Mamaí! Kin Ah git by ye'? They'll be waitin'!"

Moving to the side, she was flustered. "So am Ah te' understand tha' the boyo insulted ye' and she's th' one tha' put him doon?" Mike nodded as he was about to scoop up a cup of cider when his mother's hand whacked him in the back of the head. "Eejit! Ware were ye'? Hidin' behind her skirt?" Taking the cups from him, she shook her head. "Git back in there an' see ta' oor guests. Ah'll be takin' these ta' Heather an' her niece!"

Running for the living room where the two went after coming in after him, he nodded towards his mother. "Ye' dun need ta' tell me twice!"

As Mike rejoined the two in front of the fire, he stood back and waited while Erica sobbed into her aunt's shoulder. It looked odd due to their costumes, but heartbreaking. For the life of him, he couldn't figure how such a small thing could cause so much anguish for her.

Emma entered and pushed past her son. "Heather? Here, take these." She offered the cups of hot cider. "Is th' girseach ta' be a'right?"

"She'll be fine." Heather nodded. "Just a stressful situation that released a lot of pent up anger and hurt." Seeing the confusion on Emma's face, she explained. "Erica's mother just died a month ago, and her father was killed with my Richard while serving. That's why she's come to live here with us."

The Irish immigrant's heart ached for Erica. "Th' poor girseach!" she exclaimed in a near whisper.

Just then, Michael came in from the cold along with an irate looking man. He nodded at his wife before approaching the two ladies huddling by the fire. "Mr. Mansfield is wantin' ta' talk wi' ya', Mrs. Hargrave." Pausing a moment he added, "If ye' can spare a tick."

Releasing the broken child, Heather rose graciously and turned to Chet's father. "I want to sincerely apologize for Erica's behavior, Mr. Mansfield."

Roger Mansfield stepped in front of Michael to confront her. "That heathen of yours made a laughing stock of my boy!"

Crossing arms, Emma scoffed. "Ha! 'Bout time someone did, ye' old fahrt!"

Flummoxed, he tried to respond, but Emma tore into him. "Tha' boyo air a brat, Mr. Mansfield! Ye' shoulda taken' him o'r yer knee a few times ta' beat th' cocky oot o' him! But what kin ye' expect... th' apple ne'r falls far from th' tree!"

Her husband's eyes widened. "Emma! Now look here..."

Emma glared at him, stopping him mid sentence.

"You have no right to tell me how to raise my son!" Roger stiffened.

Storming in front of him, Emma glared up at his frightened face. "Ah have every right ta' call em' like Ah see em' in mah own gaff! Yer' brat ware tormentin' mah boy! Erica stood up ta' him an' I say, 'good on her'! An' last Ah say, 'Git!' Ye nay be welcome in me gaff nay more! Oot!" She pointed past his shoulder toward the door making Roger flinch, sure that she was about to slap him out of her house.

Roger left in a huff before Michael turned to his wife. "Tha' ware nay hospitable, Emma!"

She grumped in return. "Some kinds o' loud-mouths ought not deserve hospitality, Mister Dempsey!" Turning to Heather, her voice softened to a hush. "How air she?"

"Upset, but really she'll be fine." Heather sighed. "I think it would be best if we were on our way, though. We don't want to disturb your other guests any further than we already have and you can't stay here all night. You have a party to see to."

"Now none o' that!" Emma shook her finger. "Ah'll grab th' roast, Michael kin take th' cider, an' we'll all go back ta' th' party ta'gether!"

Sitting in front of the fire, only dimly aware of her surroundings, Erica's thoughts were a cloud of jumbled memories, all conflicting with her assumed identity. Even as she kept telling herself, I'm Erica Hargrave! I am! memories of her mother's funeral and half remembered nights waking up crying at the death of her father clashed together with her new life, threatening to send her spiraling off into madness.

Slowly coming back into herself, Erica heard the last of the conversation. Finally, she calmed down and stood up. Turning to Mike, who never left her side, she slowly handed him his coat.

"Thank you, Mike. I hope I didn't embarrass you."

Taking his coat back, Mike shook his head. "Ach! Nay, Erica! 'Tis fine. If anythin', Ah'm grateful to ye' fir standin' up fir me."

"An' next time ye' kin stand up fir yerself!" Emma shot her son a glare. "Ah'll nay have a wee scared rabbit fir a Mack!"

Squaring her shoulders, Erica defended the boy. "It's not like that, Mrs. Dempsey!" Looking over at Mike, she smiled. "Mike was trying to avoid being rude to one of your guests. Chet really didn't do anything. It was just words. I shouldn't have overreacted. It's my fault."

She approached Erica and took her in her arms. "Thank ye' jus' th' same, girseach! Mike could be usin' more friends like you!"

While the four made their way back to the party, they talked about the ranch and how they'd gotten by during the power outage. Entering, a noticeable hush fell over the guests until Michael broke the tension.

"Air this a party air not!" he bellowed happily. Waiting for Emma to put down the roast, he took her by the hand and escorted her to the dance floor. In doing so, the mood shifted back to being light and entertaining.

Faith almost ran over to her mother. "Mamma! You should have seen Chet! His daddy took him out of here crying and holding his stomach!"

Lowering her gaze, Erica blushed. "I... um... I didn't punch him in the stomach, though."

Turning to her cousin, Faith's eyes widened. "You did so! I saw you!"

The embarrassed girl shook her head. "I hit lower than that." Looking up at the shocked faces around her, Erica held up her hands defensively. "I didn't mean to! It's just... well he's a lot taller than I am and... well..."

Heather had to restrain herself with every fiber of her being to keep from laughing out loud. Faith cocked her head, not understanding the subtle difference for a boy between a gut punch and one in the groin. Mike shrank back and crossed his legs, trying not to think about what had happened to poor Chet.

As the evening wore on, Erica noticed that while her aunt and Faith were asked to dance several times, all the boys avoided her like the plague and looked at her with a mild amount of fear in their eyes. She noticed too that the girls avoided her, casting dirty looks her way as though she'd committed some unpardonable sin by hitting the cutest boy around, making him leave early. Mike in contrast, doted on her all evening, getting her drinks, snacks, and even asking her to dance several more times.

When it came time for the games, Erica teamed with her aunt for most of them, their matching costumes making a cute pair. Other times she paired with Mike or sat them out while Mike would regale her with stories about his parents' lives in Ireland. She loved listening to him. His accent wasn't too thick, so she could follow his elaborate stories; sure that at most only half could be true.

Later, as people started telling ghost stories, the lights were turned down and Erica noticed that most of the younger guests started pairing up boy-girl. Unsure what to do, and seeing Mike alone and not wanting him to feel left out, she sat with him and held his hand. Innocently, she really started thinking of him as a good friend and only wanted him to be happy, and her presence seemed to make him quite happy. She never noticed the lovelorn looks he gave her as they sat in the dark close together, fingers intertwined.

At long last the evening came to an end and people started saying their good-byes and departing. When it was their turn, Heather smiled and hugged Emma warmly. "Thank you for a wonderful evening! I do want to apologize again for Erica's behavior. Just know that it's not typical for her."

Dismissing her apology with a wave of her hand, Emma snorted. "Ach! Go on then! It's fine! Perhaps it'll make th' brat think twice aboot bein' such a snot ta' others! I jes' wish it had been me own Mack who'd done th' deed!"

Erica hugged the elder Michael and thanked him for the food and games. Then turning to little Mike, she saw him shyly blushing and extending out his hand to shake hers. Steeling herself, she pushed past his hand and hugged him, making the boy unsure what to do about it. When she planted a kiss on his cheek, he turned three shades of red and stopped breathing, which made Erica giggle. Finally his father whacked him on his back, forcing the boy to resume breathing.

"Yer lettin' this girseach git ta' ya boy! Better be watchin' that!"

She smiled at Mike. "Thank you for showing me a good time, Mike." Dropping into a posture similar to Emma's when she was bawling out Mr. Mansfield and an Irish brogue she'd started picking up through the night, she added, "An din' be worrien' aboot gettin' ah cailín! Ye'll be havin' plenty o' time fir that, yet!" She was happy to see it made him laugh, along with his mother and father.

Starting toward the car, Heather took both girls in her arms as they walked. No words were exchanged, but Erica could tell that her aunt was pensive, which made Erica wonder what she might do to punish her for fighting, especially since she'd started it.

Fredrick held the car door for them as they climbed in and sat. Once they were underway, Erica looked across at her aunt and cleared her throat.

Heather stopped her musings and looked over at her niece. "Yes, sweetie?"

Gulping, Erica took a breath. "I know I'll need to be punished for hitting Chet, Aunt Heather. I'm ready."

"But I'm not, sweetheart." she shook her head. "I honestly don't know what to do about it." she added, looking out the window at the dark of the night.

Faith, who'd been uncharacteristically silent, finally spoke up. "So where did you punch him, then?"

Breaking the tension like an explosive, Heather couldn't stop herself from laughing out loud this time. Her laugher triggered the other two to start laughing and soon Heather found herself trying to explain to her daughter what it meant for a boy to be hit where Chet had been struck. By the time the three had reached their home, Erica was in much better spirits and her aunt was more sure than ever what she needed to do about her niece's unresolved anger and pain.

Franchesca was at the door and took Heather's coat while Fredrick parked in the garage. "Did you have a good time, ma'am?" she asked rotely.

Cocking her head, she nodded slightly. "Yes... we certainly had an interesting time. Thank you."

Helping Erica off with her coat, Cook saw the girl blush and turn away at her aunt's description of the night. "What happened?"

"Erica punched Chet Mansfield in the groin!" Faith blurted it out while Fredrick came in and took her coat. After a few minutes of explanation, mostly from Heather, the two girls ran upstairs to wash and change for bed, it being well after their normal bedtime.

Holding her hand out toward Fredrick, Franchesca inquired in a growl, "Well? Where's my camera?"

Handing her the device, he silently nodded at the maid.

"Did you get any good pictures?" she asked as she started to look at them.

"One of monumental importance and impact." he replied as he hung his own jacket and started putting on his butler's coat. "When you find it, you might consider just erasing it as it could be used in evidence against Miss Erica, should the Mansfields decide to sue."

Franchesca furrowed her brow and quickly started scanning through the photos, finally coming to a stop on a picture that made her draw in a breath. There in front of her, recorded for all time, was sweet little Erica with her fist buried in Chet's upper groin.

Looking over Franchesca's shoulder, Theresa nodded. "Good for her!" she shouted.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

Sitting in the library, Erica stared out the window as the snow fell all around the house. She knew she needed to get back to her studies, but her mind just wouldn't settle. Her thoughts drifted as freely as the snowflakes that fell past the large window, taking her from one memory of the last few months to the next. Finally shaking her head to make herself focus, she re-read her essay on early New Hampshire history. Reviewing her notes, she finished the closing and set the papers aside, glad that her work was done before Christmas break.

Rising from her seat, she stretched like a cat and placed her work in the folder to give her aunt. Turning out the desk light, she was mildly jealous of Faith's ease with completing writing assignments. Over the last month, Faith had continually beaten Erica at finishing them, giving Faith more free time. She knew it was petty, so she dismissed the thought out of hand.

She'd also noticed how Faith had started changing as of late. Her moods were unpredictable and chaotic. Her aunt Heather had explained that it was just hormones, but Erica couldn't understand why her own moods were not as volatile and were instead more subdued. Slowly ascending the stairs to their shared room, she pondered the problem. Other than the one time I punched Chet, I haven't noticed me being like Faith gets!

Erica had tried her best to make up for her one serious lapse in judgement, doing chores, helping both Cook and Franchesca with as many things as she was able to between studies. Her aunt had never brought up the incident again, seeming to have completely dismissed it. Maybe she thinks I've done enough to make up for it.

Entering their room, she saw Faith sitting near the foot of their bed on Erica's side. "Hi." she greeted her cousin quietly.

Faith shot her cousin a look that could freeze air. "Hi." she barked back.

Sick of dancing around whatever it was that had gotten her cousin mad at her, Erica sat on Faith's side of the bed and faced her. "Can we talk?" she asked delicately.

Dropping onto her back, Faith looked up at the ceiling. "There's nothing to talk about." Silence sat between them like a drift of snow.

Mimicking her cousin, Erica sighed and lay back on the bed, her head next to Faith's. Unsure what else to say, she lay there silently.

Finally, her moody cousin broke the silence. "Maybe it's time you move to your room." she stated bluntly.

Too heartbroken at the idea to even put up a fight, Erica only noticed the tear after it fell from her eye. "If that's what you want." she said quietly.

"It is." Faith snipped as she rolled off the bed. "I'll tell Mamma." Without another word, Faith stormed out of the room, nearly slamming their door.

Able to do nothing but lay there, tears ran down into her ears as she slowly sank into apathy once more. Everything hurt too much and, no matter what, it seemed she couldn't escape the pain of her existence. Over the last six weeks Heather had worked with her several days a week, helping her cope with her sadness and anger, eventually discarding the notion that she was Erica Hargrave. Telling her aunt that she still wasn't ready to go back to being Eric, instead she became Erica Bella Dunning, her own person.

Slowly, she stood up and walked over to the vanity, taking a seat and looking at her reflection. She could still see her mother looking back at her, but somehow it looked hollow; vacant, like a shadow rather than a ghost or reflection. She watched the redness of her eyes deepen as more tears formed. Taking a tissue, she wiped them and started going through the drawers to take out the few things that were hers.

A gentle knock interrupted her busywork, making her look up to see her aunt entering. "Mind some company?" she asked delicately.

Shaking her head, Erica let out a ragged breath, trying to contain the sadness that consumed her. "It's fine, Aunt Heather." She stopped her task and watched her aunt move over to the bed and sit, patting the mattress. Moving over to the bed, Erica sat down next to her slowly and sadly, leaning in to rest her head against her aunt's shoulder.

Heather ran her fingers through Erica's pretty hair, it having grown out so much that Brooke had colored it once more. "Faith told me she wants a room to herself again. I wanted to talk with you about that."

"It's fine, I guess." she retorted with a shrug. "It's what Faith wants, so I guess it'll make her happy again."

Her aunt nodded. "Alright. Do you understand why?"

Shaking her head slowly, Erica dropped backwards onto the bed to stare at the ceiling as she'd done earlier. "Not really, Aunt Heather. It just seems like everything I do makes her mad. I don't understand it. She doesn't ever want to play with me anymore. I know it's snowy and has been for two weeks, but she seems like she doesn't want to do anything with me, even inside. I just wish I knew what I did wrong."

Heather pulled her niece up and hugged her gently. "You didn't do anything wrong, sweetie. Faith is just going through a hard time right now. Her body is changing and her mind is, too. She's starting to grow up."

She took comfort in holding her aunt. "So it'll happen to me too, someday?"

Dancing around the subject delicately, Heather gave only a half answer. "Not exactly the same way, dear. Everybody is different, so we all go through this part of life in a different way."

They sat there in silence while Heather petted her head to comfort her. Ever since the Halloween party, Heather had been steadily chipping away at Erica's vault of pain she'd locked behind her fantasy. Before Faith's recent moodiness, Heather even had hope that Erica might be nearing a time when she could finally fully face her grief and return to her life as Eric. Now with yet another trauma pounding on her delicate psyche, she seemed to be retreating further and further back into what Heather believed to be the child's fantasy of being a girl.

Out of nowhere, Faith stormed into the room. "So? Do I get my own room again or what?" she barked at her mother.

Looking sternly at her daughter, understanding her issues didn't excuse her rudeness. "Faith! You have to understand this is very hard for Erica. She's gotten used to having you around. Separating you will be difficult."

She rolled her eyes at her mother. "So... is that a yes?" she sniped.

"Faith!" Heather exclaimed. "Don't you dare take that tone with me!"

Seeing her mother angry wasn't something she was used to. It shocked Faith so much she jumped. Stubbornly pushing back, she sneered at her mother. "Just tell me when his stuff is out of my room so I can sleep in peace for once!" At that she stormed out.

Heather was stunned at Faith's callous outburst, but not nearly as much so as Erica. Heather looked down at the stricken girl, who looked to be in shock to the point she wasn't even breathing. Erica stared at the doorway as though it were a gaping maw about to consume her soul. Her aunt was torn between wanting to console Erica and chasing down Faith to make her apologize. Finally, she turned to Erica and looked her in the eyes.

"Erica? I love you, just the way you are. I don't care what Faith said, you are my niece and I love you. Do you understand me?"

Shaken from her state of shock, she nodded at her aunt as tears silently ran down her cheeks and she began breathing again. Moving forward, she hugged her aunt as though clinging to a life ring, the woman's loving embrace the only thing keeping her from drowning in a sea of pain.

Pulling back, she looked once more in the girl's eyes. "I need to go talk to Faith. What she said was inexcusable. Will you be OK for a minute without me?" Seeing a slight nod from the girl, she stood up and backed toward the door. "I'll be back soon." she added before turning to pursue her child.

Sitting in the lonely confines of what had been her room for the last two months, Erica looked at the things around her that gave her comfort. Their shared vanity, the neatly arranged row of stuffed animals along the toy box at the foot of their bed. As her eyes turned toward the box of dolls she started hearing yelling from downstairs. Her aunt's muffled and unintelligible voice, mixed with that of Faith's, rang through the building like echoes of the storm that had greeted her arrival at her new home.

After a short time, the yelling stopped and silence sat over the house once more, thick as fog. Erica knew she should get up to start collecting her things, but she couldn't make her body obey. Instead she just sat, unable to even rise. Sinking rapidly into a near catatonic state, she floated through memories that were some of the best of her life since coming to live with her aunt.

Turning as they tried to keep up, Faith shouted, "Come on slow-pokes!"

Erica held out her hand to Mike as they climbed over the log. Their hike through the woods to the north of her aunt Heather's house had taken them up a hill through thickly wooded forest. Faith knew the path well, having walked it many times, but Erica and Mike were lagging behind.

"Wait up!" Erica yelled. Turning toward Mike, she laughed as he flopped onto the ground into a pile of leaves that had been gathered together by the wind. The frost of the week before had melted into a warm Indian Summer. The three children had known that soon their outdoor activities would be confined to snowball fights and other winter activities for many months, so they took advantage of the temporary warm weather as much as possible, spending every weekend day out exploring nature.

Mike lay on the fallen leaves and panted for breath. "Tha' cousin... air yours... mus' be... part mountain goat!" he exclaimed.

Falling into the leaf pile beside him, Erica giggled. Finally she looked up at her cousin who had back-tracked and stood over them with her hands on her hips looking like Cook when Franchesca invaded her kitchen.

"Aren't you two coming?" she asked.

Erica laughed as she stood back up and gave her hand to Mike. "Yeah, we air comin' col ceathrar!" she said, imitating Mike's brogue.

Taking his best friend's hand, Mike pulled himself up. "Ye' sure'n ye aren't from Eire, girseach? Ye' sound like me mamaí!"

"Well, if you two are quite through, can we get moving?" Faith scowled at the two. "I'd like to get to the pond before it gets too late!"

"Yes, Faith." Erica sighed. "Lead the way!"

The three continued to hike up the hill while Erica and Mike lagged behind a bit. "So, you're going back to Eire for Christmas?" she asked, turning to him.

Mike nodded. "Aye. Mamaí misses her siúrs an' she wants ta' spend it back in 'er home town this year."

Erica nodded in understanding. "Well, I'll miss you while you're gone. Will you write me? I've never gotten a letter from another country before!"

"I will ya!" he laughed. Seeing her scowl at him for implying that he wouldn't, he swallowed hard and nodded, "Aye, I'll do that."

Cresting the slight rise, Faith stopped and finally smiled. "Here it is!" she yelled. "Come on, you two!"

The two friends jogged up the hill to stand next to Faith, breathing heavily from their run. Erica looked down at the pond that had formed in the slight depression from the melting snow. A few birds that had not flown south for the coming winter flew over the water, giving it a serene feeling that this place was untouched and pure.

The trio ran down the short hill to the edge of the water and took in the beauty of the view. Splitting up, Erica and Faith started walking around the pond to the left while Mike went to the right. It was small enough that they could yell across it to each other without difficulty, if needed.

While Faith walked along slowly with her cousin, she looked over at her. "Erica? Why did you invite Mike along? I wanted to show this to you."

She shrugged as she picked up a small rock and tossed it in the pond. "I don't know. I just thought he might like it, too."

"But I wanted to spend time with just us!" Faith whined. "You're always spending time with Mike! It's like he's your boyfriend!"

Stopping, Erica looked at her cousin. "He is not!" Lowering her voice she added, "You know I don't like boys that way! Yeah, I know he's got a crush on me, but so what? He's nice, sweet, and interesting to talk to, but he's not my boyfriend! I mean... eww!"

Faith turned and looked at her. "You're making him think he's got a chance, Erica."

"A chance at what?"

"Ugh!" Faith rolled her eyes. "A chance at you, nitwit! And that's another thing. You used to always talk about April being your best friend. Now it's Mike all the time!"

Lowering her head, Erica's voice turned melancholy. "I... I don't like to think about April. It hurts." She fiddled with her fingers as she tried not to think about the pain in her heart from missing the girl she'd gown up with.

Her cousin saw she was struggling and became impatient. "It's OK, Erica. You can just say it."

She looked back up. "Say what?"

"That you're in love with April." Faith said sadly as she turned back to their walk around the pond.

Erica felt her face flush at hearing the words. Starting to move again, she easily caught back up with her cousin. "How did you know?" she whispered after a moment.

Rolling her eyes again, Faith looked away. "It's so obvious, Erica! Every time you talk about her I can see little broken hearts around your head!"

"Oh." was her only reply. After a moment, she looked over at Faith. "I didn't know you knew."

Faith sighed. "It's just that I hate to see you so heartbroken over it, is all. I mean, I know that before you left you were just friends, and now that you're so far away from her you wanted it to be more. It's just all so sad."

Erica nodded silently. As the two reached the side of the pond, they both looked over at Mike who was shouting to them.

"Oi! Ah found a bone!" he cried.

Faith giggled as they waved at him. "I'll bet he did!" she murmured.

"Huh?" Erica looked at her confusedly.

Shaking her head, Faith dismissed the question. "Never mind. I guess it's only funny to me!"

Reaching the far side and meeting back up with Mike, he was very animated about his discovery. "Ah thin' it ware a deer! Look here!" He held out a piece of hoof.

Faith stepped back. "Eww! Put that away, Mike! God, boys are so gross!"

Disappointed, Erica had wanted to humor her friend and look at it. Trying to salvage a good time out of their walk, she made a suggestion. "Why don't we walk back around the way Mike came. That way he can show us where he found it and we can see the rest of the pond!"

Rolling her eyes once more Faith spat, "Fine!" and started walking ahead, but Erica quickly caught up to her.

Lowering her voice to a whisper she asked, "Is something bothering you?"

Faith stopped and turned to Mike. "Could you give us a moment?" she asked. "I promise we won't take long."

Mike smiled. "Sure! Ah'll jes walk oot th' other way a wee bit. Come ta' think o' it, Ah thin' Ah'd like ta see th' oo'r side. Ah'll meet ya back where'n we started, a'right?" He turned and headed back the way they had come.

When Faith was sure he was out of easy hearing range, she sighed and looked at Erica. "I guess I'm just jealous is all. I mean, when you got here, April was your best friend. Then Mike became your best friend. I guess I thought..." Her voice broke as it trailed off into silence.

Taking hold of Faith's hand, they started walking again and Erica turned to her. "Faith, you're the best friend I've ever had! You're always there for me, helping me, giving good advice. You know how much you mean to me."

She sighed and leaned her shoulder against Erica's. "I know, but you never want to spend time with just me. You did at first when you got here, but now it's like you're afraid to or something."

Her cousin shrugged as she tried to hedge her answer. "It's not that. It's just that... well... you and I are different about some things. Don't get me wrong, I think you're great! In fact I think you're just about perfect!" she said dreamily. Swallowing hard, Erica was worried that too much of her true feelings had shown through. "If I considered anyone my best friend, it would be you." she tried to recover.

Faith stopped and looked at her. "Do you mean that Erica? For real?"

"For real." Erica nodded shyly, glad that Faith had obviously not picked up on the real meaning of her expression of admiration for her cousin, that she'd grown to care for Faith far more than she should for them being cousins.

The two didn't say anything more as they made their way around the pond, just walking in companionable silence and holding hands. When they met up with Mike on the other side, Faith seemed much more at ease with having him around and even included him in their conversations. Erica was truly happy. Her two best friends were happily together with her; a true trio.

It was one of the best days of Erica's life.

Faith looked up at her mother. "What do you mean?" she asked.

Trying to explain, Heather sighed. While Faith was no longer shouting at her, she still wasn't listening. "Faith, you may well have undermined all of the last two months of therapy I've been doing with your cousin! Don't you see? You've broken her world... again, and just when she was getting ready to leave her fantasies of her own accord! Damn you, Faith!"

It shocked her to hear her mother swear. In fact she was sure it was the first time her mother had ever sworn in front of her. "Mamma!"

Heather was beyond frustrated. She had spent weeks getting Erica to admit she wasn't her own mother and felt certain she was close to giving up her feminine persona and return to being the boy he'd always been. Now her daughter, on an emotional whim with terrible timing, had undone almost all of her progress. Turning away from Faith, she struggled to figure out a way to undo the damage. At last she turned to her daughter and sat next to her.

"Dear, you know I understand how you feel lately, but don't you think you could set that aside for just a short while and try to help me? Otherwise I just don't know what may happen! Your cousin could end up hurting herself if she doesn't give up these fantasies of being a girl! It's already gone on far too long!"

Faith crossed her arms and looked away. "Seems like you care more about getting Eric back than you do your own daughter!" she quipped angrily.

Reaching out, Heather made Faith look at her. "Now you know that's not true, Faith! I love you both. You have to remember though just how hurt she is. How would you feel if you lost me the way she lost her mother?"

Her anger began to wane as she listened, but not her resolve. "Mamma, I do understand, but Erica is just... ugh!" She stood and walked away from her mother and crossed her arms again. "She's not a little girl anymore, Mamma. She's starting to grow up... and not into a woman! You're going to have to do something about that!" she hinted.

Standing, she crossed the room, walking up delicately behind her daughter. "Faith..." Heather made her turn around and face her. "Dear, has... has Erica done anything... inappropriate?"

Faith stiffened and stormed away from her mother. "Of course she hasn't!" she yelled. "How could you even think...!" Her voice trailed off as she lacked the words to express just how upset even the accusation made her.

Looking at Faith, Heather put her hands on her hips. "Well you made it sound as if..."

"Oh, Mamma, I did not!" Faith interrupted. "You just try to read into everything I say, even when I'm just saying something simple!"

Her mother shook her head. "You haven't said anything simple in weeks, dear... and don't interrupt!"

Closing her eyes, Faith mentally counted to ten, trying to keep from losing her temper again. "Mamma, that's just so unfair! You don't understand!"

"Mothers never do, dear." she shot back calmly. "That is, until you grow up and realize they understood everything, all too well."

Faith sat down, exhausted from fighting with her. "Mamma! Just give me a straight answer! Can I have my own room back, or are you going to do something about Erica?"

Slowly, Heather stepped in front of her daughter and went down to her knees to face her directly. "Faith darling, you know I want to give you everything you want or need. Why is this so important to you all of a sudden? Two months ago you were begging me to let her share your room! What's changed? What's happened that suddenly makes you want your cousin to be away from you?"

She couldn't look her mother in the eye. She looked down and then to the side. "I guess I've changed." Gathering her courage, she sighed and tried to force the issue. "I can't share a room with someone that's going to be a teenage boy soon, Mamma. Something has to be done." she hinted again.

After a few moments, Heather finally let out an exasperated sigh. "Alright, Faith." she relented. "I'll see to it Erica's things are moved to her room, but you know this is going to hurt her. Badly. What are you going to tell her?"

Faith looked at her mother's eyes, reflections of her own, with a stunned expression as she'd not been expecting this turn of events, nor for her mother to put the responsibility on her. "Me? You want me to tell her?"

She stood and started to leave. "Yes, Faith. You. If this is what you need, you need to make your cousin understand it." With nothing more to say, she left the room to find Franchesca and make preparations for the change.

Slowly, Faith opened the door to their room, knocking lightly as she did so. Seeing Erica sitting motionless on the bed, she cleared her throat and softly said, "Hi." When she'd pushed for separate rooms, the last thing she'd expected was to get what she said she wanted. To then have to hurt Erica on top of it was pouring salt in the wound. When Erica didn't even look her way, she quietly came in and stepped in front of her cousin, looking into Erica's green eyes that were glazed over as though she were blind. She didn't even seem to see Faith standing right in front of her.

After a moment, she moved around and sat on the bed next to her. Not seeing any sign that Erica was even aware of her presence, she truly understood how badly she'd hurt her cousin. It's like she's not even here... like she's lost inside herself. She tried to take Erica's hand, but even after doing so it sat limp in hers, the same as if she were asleep. Finally, she rested her head on Erica's shoulder and hooked her arm under the slightly younger girl's limp limb. Sitting like that for several minutes, she tried to come up with the words that would explain things. Finally giving up, she just started to talk about whatever came to her mind.

"I really liked the short story you wrote last week." she started. "It was really good. You don't write as fast as me, but you write a lot better." Not seeing any change, she just continued. "I think you have a real talent for writing." More silence filled the room until Faith couldn't stand it anymore. "Erica! I need to talk to you! Won't you please listen?"

Somewhere in her mind, Erica was vaguely aware of Faith's presence, but she just couldn't figure out how to reply. Faith? she thought, unable to make her thoughts reach her lips. Faith? I don't know what I did wrong, but can you forgive me? Please? Still unable to make her body respond, Erica started screaming the words in her mind, but to no avail. Nothing she did seemed to connect her mind with her body. Finally, she turned inward and began to pray... pray that she might find her way back... that she might be happy once more in her new home... that Faith wouldn't hate her for whatever it was she'd done wrong.

Starting to see tears forming in her cousin's eyes, but nothing else, no sign that she was there, Faith became frantic. "Erica! You're scaring me! Please! Just say something! Yell at me! I deserve it! Please! I'm sorry, OK? I didn't mean it! Please, just... just don't leave me!" she began to cry.

Erica's hand slowly responded, moving to take her cousin's, griping it lightly.

Faith's eyes widened at the first sign of life from her tormented cousin. "Erica?" Faith asked hopefully as her tears abated.

Two green eyes slowly tracked around to face Faith, her head gradually following them. Erica tried to speak, but words would still not come out. Her lips moved, but no sound came forth.

Practically tackling Erica in a hug, tears rolled down Faith's face. "Erica! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean what I said before! I swear! Please forgive me! I know you're not a boy, and I don't want you to go!"

Feeling her cousin's tears on her neck, Erica could only manage to hug her, words still not making it from her mind to her lips.

Babbling now, Faith tried to explain why she'd done what she'd done. "You've been such a Godsend to me, Erica! I never thought I'd ever need someone near me so much in all my life! It... it sacred me how much I need you to never go away! You're the best friend I could ever have!" Not ready to admit the full truth yet, she thought up an excuse. "I... I tried to push you away before you left me! I'm so sorry, Erica!"

Finally, words came loose of her tongue, words she'd been trying desperately to say since Faith entered the room. "I... I... I..."

"Yes? What is it, Erica?" Faith wiped her eyes. "Just say what you need to... it's OK. Even if you hate me, just please be OK!"

Erica took a breath and tried again. "I... understand... if... you... hate me, Faith, but..."

The smaller girl interrupted her. "I don't hate you Erica! I love you! So much! I... just..." She paused and made herself say part of what she felt. "I don't want you to ever leave me! I don't want you to ever go back to Southern California, or back to being Eric! I know that's terrible of me, but it's the truth! Please, Erica! Never go back? I know you want to because April is there and you love her, but please? Say you'll never go? That you'll never leave me?"

Erica smiled weakly and shook her head. "N.... never!"

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - cousin incest (non-sexual)
CAUTION - severe emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

Christmas came with all the happiness, love, and family it's supposed to have. Faith had called off the move, but that was to be short lived. As the long winter wore on, Heather decided that, for Erica's own good, she needed to move into the guest room and make it her own. She offered to let the girl chose her own decor, but Erica sadly accepted the room as it was.

Her first night alone in Hargrave House came in April, just as the snow was giving way to rain. Erica hadn't even gotten to sleep when she felt that someone was in the room with her. Nervously, she looked up and saw Faith standing next to her bed.

"Faith? Are you OK?" she asked, rubbing her eyes.

The girl hugged herself and shook her head. "I... I can't sleep! Can I lay with you a while?"

Nodding, Erica was unable to say no to the girl. Lifting the covers, Faith quickly slid into her bed and snuggled her back up against Erica, almost shivering as though it were that first freezing cold night all over again.

After the two settled in, Faith rolled over to face her cousin. Whispering like they used to before they would fall asleep together, she needed to talk to her. "Erica? I... want you to know. I think I understand why you need to have your own room now. I turn thirteen next week and you turn thirteen in a few months. I think Mamma doesn't like the idea of two teenagers sharing the same room... and I think I understand why now."

Erica was tired, but listening to Faith was more important. "OK, so why?"

Biting her lip, Faith tried to figure out a way to say it without upsetting her cousin. "OK, do you remember that second morning after you got here, when we were getting dressed and you got all embarrassed when I kissed your cheek?" Seeing Erica nod shyly in remembrance, she continued. "Well, remember how you felt?" Erica's cheeks flushed and she nodded again. Seeing that she was going to have to spell it out, Faith took Erica's hand to steady herself. "I... I think, um... I think you were, um... getting..." She looked away and made herself say it out loud. "...turned on... by me." Looking back, she gazed into Erica's lovely eyes and her heart fluttered.

Eyes growing wide, Erica furrowed her brow and began yelling in a whisper, "Faith! No! I wouldn't! I... I couldn't! You're my cousin! That's just so... so... wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of perv?"

Hearing Erica call herself a perv for being attracted to her cousin stung, but Faith shook her head. "No, Erica! Not at all! I know you weren't perving on me, but I think Mamma is afraid that we might... well... I mean now that we're getting older and I'm starting to get... developed... that we might... uh... you know!"

She recoiled from her cousin, the idea of giving in to her physical attraction toward her tying her stomach in a knot. "Faith! Is that what Aunt Heather thinks? That because I like girls that we might... um... you know... fool around? With each other?"

"I think so." she nodded. Faith paused a moment before asking the real question on her mind. "Would you want to?"

Erica shook her head in denial. "Are you kidding? I mean, I like girls, but you don't! Besides, we're cousins! This is New Hampshire, not Kentucky!"

The comment made Faith giggle. "You know, I think Mike would like to see if you go both ways!"

The girl's terrified look dissolved into one of mirth. "Don't I know it! God, he's so crushing on me! I feel bad for him though, because it's never gonna happen!"

Faith stopped giggling. "You mean, you aren't even curious to try? Just to see what it's like? I mean, with a boy?"

"Eww!" Erica stuck out her tongue. "No way! Boys are gross! Besides, I haven't even tried it with a girl yet, and I know I like girls!"

Gripping Erica's hand a little tighter, Faith admitted one of her truths. "I am. Curious, that is. About girls. About what it might be like."

Her cousin's smile disappeared as her heart hammered in her ears. "Faith, I love you... more than I could ever say... but..."

She let Erica's hand go and drew it up to herself. "I know. I knew before I came in here." After a moment's silence, she continued. "Did you know that day when we went up to the pond, I was planning on kissing you?"

Erica felt her heart beat rise quickly. "Um... no."

Her cousin nodded shyly. "Uh-huh. That's really why I was upset that you brought your boyfriend along!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" Erica almost laughed. "God, you're worse than Aunt Jenny is with Aunt Brooke!"

Giggling, Faith tried to quiet herself. Suddenly becoming serious, she looked Erica directly in the eyes. "I wanted you to know, I think I've had a crush on you since the first time I saw you. I know it's wrong, and nothing will ever happen, but I wanted you to know. I think, somehow, I needed you to know. That's all. I... I also wanted you to know that it's you that I'm crushing on. Erica."

Faith sighed as she admitted her worst failing. "That's why before Christmas when I could tell that Mamma was about to make it so you wouldn't have to be Erica anymore, I said those awful things to you. I... I wanted to force Mamma into either start giving you hormones so you could never go back to being Eric or else let you get hurt. I never thought she'd actually do it. Now, here you are in your own room anyway. I'm sorry."

Reaching out her hand to Faith, Erica took hers and smiled. "I think I understand." Her own worry now heavy on her mind, she needed to share just as openly as Faith had done. "Um... I've been thinking. I know I've kinda started puberty. I know that it's going to start changing me so I won't look like my mom so much anymore."

Taking a deep breath, she made herself say the words. "I'm going to start becoming a guy soon, and I hate it, but it seems there's nothing I can do about it. I never want to stop being Erica, but I think at some point I'm going to have to. Aunt Heather won't let me take hormones. I know because... I um... I asked her... a few weeks ago. It just seems... so unfair!"

Faith felt a tear roll down her cheek. "Life's not fair." she said simply, recalling the advice Erica had given her shortly after arriving.

The two sat in silence until finally sleep took them both. They lay like that, facing one another, holding hands, all through the night.

July came and they celebrated Erica's thirteenth birthday. Her aunt had surprised her with a computer of her own, plus one of the new tablets. While they still lacked cell service, it gave Erica a way to express her interest in writing by creating her own blog, submitting poetry to various places, and eventually getting a small following on social media with the website, 'newhampshire-vs-california.com'. She would write about the differences between Southern California and Northern New England, as well as their similarities.

On the first anniversary of her arrival at Hargrave House, Heather took Erica aside and spoke to her about her future.

"We need to talk." Heather started, sitting at Erica's vanity while the terrified girl sat on her bed. "I think you know what about, sweetie."

She nodded. Puberty was taking its toll on her and soon she wouldn't be able to pass as a young girl anymore. "I know, Aunt Heather."

Heather sighed and leaned forward to brush the girl's bangs out from in front of her eyes. "I... I've given this a lot of thought. I hate it, but it seems the only solution." Taking a breath, she said what she'd decided. "I know it's breaking my promise to you, but I think you should go away to school. Away somewhere where no one has ever heard of Erica. Somewhere you can be Eric Dunning again and it won't be socially awkward for you."

Feeling the tears coming, Erica knew that once again she was about to be ripped from the home and life she had known, this time to be completely alone. Trying to avoid it, she choked back the tears. "There's another way."

She knew what the young girl was implying and shook her head. "I'm sorry, sweetie! I know that right now you want so bad to be a girl and grow into a lovely young woman, and I know you would! You'd make me so proud! But I just... I can't! You don't understand what it means! You'd never be able to have children!" Now her aunt's turn to cry, tears traced down her face.

"I know it's hypocritical of me to deny you this when I was the first person to stand up for your aunt Brooke. Believe me, if there was any way to give you what you want without denying you your ability to have children someday, I would, but you're just too young to understand how this will change the rest of your life. I cannot in good conscience let you do that to yourself... any more than I could stand idly by while you used drugs or alcohol! You're just too... too damn young to know!"

Erica found herself in the strange position of comforting her aunt. After all the times over the past year that she'd been the one being comforted, her aunt now sobbed into her shoulder the same as Erica had sobbed into hers.

So it was a week later that Erica Dunning died a second time. She'd gotten to see Mike one last time at the annual Halloween party. Mike knew that she was going away to school, but not where or why. He'd wanted to see her off when the cab came for her, but Erica insisted he just let Halloween night be their last time together. When she left the party, she kissed him on the cheek just as she'd done the year before, this time as a parting gift for the boy who liked her far more than she could ever return.

Refusing to see off the person that would take Erica's place, Faith said her good-byes the night before in the privacy of Erica's bedroom.

While Erica brushed out her beautiful hair one last time, knowing it would all be gone the next day, she watched the last vestiges of her young mother in the mirror echoing her actions once more. Near to tears, she heard the knock on her door. "Come in." she said barely restraining her emotions.

Tiptoeing into Erica's room, Faith silently closed the door behind her. Her mother had already bid them both goodnight, so she knew they wouldn't be disturbed until the next terrible sunrise. "Mind some company?" Faith asked hopefully.

"You shouldn't be here, Faith." Erica warned as she resumed brushing. "Aunt Heather would be furious to know you're here instead of in bed."

"I don't care!" Faith grumbled quietly. "She can ground me for the rest of time and I'd still stay." Moving up close to Erica, she watched entranced as her cousin brushed out her hair, almost forgetting why she came in.

When Erica finished and put down the ornate wooden hairbrush, she watched her young mother staring back at her a moment. At last turning away from her personal ghost, Erica looked down at the floor and then up at Faith. "You really shouldn't be here." she said softly. "It... it's not a good idea, us being alone together like this."

Stepping closer, Faith took a breath and gathered her courage. "Erica? Would you do me a favor?"

Smiling sweetly, Erica nodded. "Of course, Faith! I'd do anything for you!"

Her heart skipping a beat, she pushed forward. Pulling her hands out from behind her back, she held out the same nightgown that she'd nearly forced Erica to wear her first night. "Would... um... would you wear this tonight?"

Noticing at last that Faith was wearing the same blue nightgown from that first night, Erica smiled wistfully. "For you? Anything!" she sighed. Looking at it, she cocked an eyebrow at Faith. "If I can get it on, that is! I've grown like four inches since last year!"

Giggling together a moment, Faith nodded. "I know. Will you try?" Getting up Erica started heading for her bathroom when Faith reached out and gently grabbed her elbow to stop her. "No. Change here. Please?"

Her mouth opening to say that she shouldn't, Erica knew exactly why Faith would ask and that saying no would take away part of the whole reason she'd asked. Biting her lip, she simply nodded as she wordlessly put the borrowed nightgown on her vanity. Slowly pulling her larger satin gown up her body, she at last pulled it over her head and stood nearly naked in front of her cousin with only a pair of white panties coving her. Pausing a moment, she let Faith look.

Flushed, and with her heart racing, Faith watched her slowly strip in front of her eyes. Her breath caught as Erica stood in front of her baring most of her lithe body. When at last Erica picked up the borrowed nightgown and pulled it over her head, she started to breath again as it covered her cousin's body one more time.

Pulling it tightly down over her skin, Erica finally exhaled as well. "There." she sighed. "It... it's a little tight."

Stepping even closer, Faith smiled. "You still look beautiful in it." she said breathily. "If anything, even more so than the first time!"

"Faith?" Erica said softly. "Why?"

"Don't you know?" she answered with another step closer, now less than a foot away. "I think you do, Erica."

"It's w-wrong." Erica stammered. "We're cousins, Faith."

"I don't care." Faith said with another half step closer. "I... I love you, Erica... and I think you love me."

Turning away, Erica felt a tear fall down her cheek. "I... I can't!" she sobbed. "I'm going away tomorrow, Faith!" she justified. "I... I'm going to... b... become... a... a man!" Tears streaming down her face, Erica tried to hold them back, but they came anyway. "How can you even look at me!"

Stepping up until she could wrap her arms around Erica, Faith pressed her growing body against her cousin's back and held her from behind. "Because right now, tonight, you're still my Erica." Turning her to face one another, she wiped Erica's tears away while one hand still held her. "Don't cry." she begged.

"I... I can't help it, Faith!" she quietly blubbered. Finally giving in, she reached out and wrapped her arms around Faith. "Oh, Faith! Hold me?"

As they held each other desperately, both cried onto each other's shoulders. After several minutes, their emotions spent, they backed away from each other as Erica grabbed some tissues off her vanity and handed one to Faith. "Here." she said simply.

"Thanks." Faith sniffed. Drying their eyes, they smiled weakly at one another. Gathering her courage once more, she asked, "Erica? Can... may I sleep with you tonight? Like we used to?"

Looking at her lovesick cousin, Erica shook her head. "We... we shouldn't, Faith." she sighed. "What if we... um... do... something we shouldn't?"

Stepping close, Faith looked hopeful at the suggestion. "We could... if you want to. I love you, Erica! Don't you love me?"

Restraining herself, Erica swallowed and nodded. "Yes. You know I do..."

Sighing, Faith stepped back away. "... but we're cousins." she admitted.

"Plus, we're still only thirteen!" Erica added.

"I could promise that we won't." she offered in compromise. "Just... one more night with you? Just to lay near you one more time before..." She couldn't bring herself to say what was about to happen to her the next day.

Desperate for the closeness she craved before being sent away, Erica nodded. "OK, but you promise? Just sleeping together? Nothing else?"

"If I can sleep." Faith sighed. "I don't want to. It'll make morning come that much sooner. But, yeah... I... I promise."

Sighing, she looked one last time at the vanity's mirror, but her mother's ghost was gone. In its place was her own reflection. After a year of living with her young mother looking back at her from every mirror, she was finally able to see only her true self.

Moving into bed, Erica settled onto her back while Faith joined her there. While the two settled in, Faith turned to face Erica.

"I meant what I said, Erica." she whispered. "I love you."

"I know." she replied. "More than you should." Hesitating, she turned and faced Faith. "I... I love you, too... much more than as just my cousin."

"I'll never love anyone else, Erica." Faith cried quietly. "Like Mamma will never love anyone but Daddy!" She moved closer and took Erica in her arms and held her. "I'll love you and only you forever! I promise!"

Erica held Faith in return, listening and nodding in response. She knew it wasn't true, Faith would move on and love someone who would be allowed to return her love, but it felt good just to hear it. "I love you, Faith!"

The night passed slowly as neither slept much. They simply held each other until dawn threatened to break. Just before the sun rose, Faith woke Erica from the restless sleep she'd slipped into.

"Erica?" she whispered. "It... it's time."

"No!" Erica cried. "I won't let you go!"

"You have to..." Faith admonished. The younger girl slowly pulled away before Faith leaned in closely. "...so I can do this." She tilted her head slightly and let her lips brush against Erica's. With a rush of fervor, and seeing Erica not pulling away, Faith poured all the love and affection that she'd built up over the past twelve months into that simple kiss.

Erica felt Faith's lips touch hers and, for that moment, all of her pain and anguish vanished and she felt whole again. Letting Faith continue, not wanting it to ever end, she reveled in the closeness and hated that it had come so late in their time together. When at last Faith slowly pulled away and the pain and loneliness in her heart returned, Erica began to weep for the life she longed for with all her heart, but knew she would never be allowed to have.

"Goodbye, my sweet Erica." Faith cried softly as she pulled away. Climbing out of Erica's bed, she made herself return to her own, there to cry alone until exhaustion claimed her.

Soon enough, the sun rose and Erica got up to go downstairs where her aunt waited with Brooke, there to cut away her beautiful hair. The girl hadn't packed anything as Erica wouldn't be taking any of her clothes. Her new ones had been ordered and sent on ahead to the school, sight unseen.

Erica didn't even want to see what they looked like. They wouldn't be her pretty dresses and outfits, so she didn't care. In that moment, she hated her aunt for sending her away, for destroying the beautiful home they'd had together and making her go back to being a boy for the sake of a future she didn't even want.

When she saw the anguish in Heather's eyes though, and even in Brooke's who, with unspoken words, had made clear that she disapproved of Erica's girlish nature, she couldn't stay angry though. She was just sad. Brooke cried silent tears together with the ones that fell from Erica's eyes as she sheared off the girl's beautiful hair down to a close-cropped boy's cut. She kept one perfect curl, as did her aunt, so they could have something to look at and remember the girl Erica was and the woman she might have been.

Cook and Franchesca couldn't watch, so they busied themselves with tasks and made themselves scarce. Franchesca angrily went about her work, while Theresa chose to imagine Erica leaving for a glamorous girl's school in one of her prettiest dresses. The reality was much more somber, witnessed only by the stoic Fredrick, Heather, and the cab driver there to take her away.

Standing and waiting as Fredrick put her essentials bag in the cab for her, the man never uttered a word as he placed a single hand on her shoulder, paused a moment without even looking down, and then walked back to the house. When the cab driver got in to wait for his passenger, the only ones left outside were Erica and Heather.

She walked up to the child she'd grown to love more than life itself, just as fiercely and completely as her own daughter. She looked utterly alien to Heather's eyes now, dressed in a fine tailored dark suit and boy's haircut. She could still see the girl standing there, tears held back by sheer willpower, but with a dead, vacant look in her eyes. Heather embraced her one more time, allowing the tears to flow from her eyes for the both of them.

Softly, Heather whispered as she held Erica so tight she threatened to squeeze the life out of her. "You will always be my daughter, Erica! No matter what! I love you, sweetheart!" Finally, releasing her to enter the cab, she could stand no more and ran into the house; tears falling like the threatening rain soon would.

Watching out the rear window of the cab as it started to pull away, she saw the drapes in the upstairs window part. She knew it was Faith's window, the same one from which she'd seen her first morning snow. She watched as Faith appeared, still wearing the same nightgown she'd worn the night before, her lovely face marred with tears. Faith hadn't seen her get in the cab. She didn't want to. She'd waited until she could only see the car pulling silently away into the gloomy afternoon light. Watching it depart, she could only utter a single word.

"Erica..."

The cab took her to the airport where she was escorted to the First Class section of the plane that would take her away from the life she'd loved. Met at her destination by a limousine, it swiftly carried her to the exclusive boarding school where no one would ever hear of Erica Dunning.

The next years were a blur. School and study filled her life and nothing else. No one came on holidays and she never went anywhere other than school functions. The school staff found it sad that this fine upstanding and studious 'boy' with a gift for the written word had no one to love and be loved by. However, they were paid the extra fees for year-round boarding, so did their best to at very least make the child comfortable. It was a hollow and empty existence.

Heather had seen to it that her charge would want for nothing. The finest tailored clothes, the best car for a sixteenth birthday present, gifts every Christmas and birthday, but things didn't matter to Erica. Her writing was all that mattered anymore. Heart and soul poured into every page, pages that could make her teachers cry at the heartbreak and depth of feeling they contained.

A therapist, a former collogue of Heather's, was available, and they spoke weekly. She made numerous notes and kept in contact with Heather so she would know that the child she so loved was at least getting by. Heather asked several times to come to the school to visit, but each time the offer was returned with a cold, "It's probably for the best that you didn't, Mrs. Hargrave." from the child she'd sent away.

Letters were delivered, read, and responded to... each with no name. She never signed her name to anything, just the valediction "Love,". For the lost and lonely child, names were just reminders of how much she'd lost.

School finally ended and graduation came, but none of her family attended. She'd coldly disinvited them. With a heart like an empty shell, a diploma was given and taken with the simple words, "Congratulations, Dunning." Over the years, the staff had learned not to ever use her legal first name. It was only ever "Good morning, Dunning" or "Good afternoon, Dunning." First names only led to silence. So the well-paid staff adapted and made do.

Five years passed after Erica left their lives. Heather went about her daily routine, as did Fredrick, Theresa, and Franchesca. Faith however, was another matter. She had totally closed herself off from everyone in her life. Gone was the happy girl, the sad girl, and the frustratingly unreasonable girl. All that was left was a shell; a body that did what she was told and showed no interest in anything.

Heather tried sending her back to school, but it only made her worse. She was given to crying for what seemed to be no reason at all. After patient questioning it would end up that something had been said or discussed that Erica had once said, talked about, or written. After less than a semester, Heather returned Faith to home-school where at least she would be close and she could be there for her when the tears fell, as they so very often did.

While life went on, Hargrave House was no longer the warm home it once had been. Theresa could barely speak to her employer. She knew Heather was doing what she felt was right, but couldn't stomach her employer's disregard for Erica's broken heart in sending her away. She took no joy in her job; joy that she knew was denied to the poor child who had made a year of their lives brighter than it had been since Richard's death.

Franchesca sat in her room and read Erica's letters to her from school over and over whenever she was not working. She'd made a point of keeping up Erica's 'New Hampshire vs. California' website, taking a pseudonym and writing new articles after long hours searching for new things to compare and contrast about the two states.

Fredrick seemed the most unchanged in his behavior, but the life was gone from his eyes. He continued to treat Heather with the respect of her position, but no more than absolutely necessary. His feelings were closed off and surrounded by a brick wall.

Faith stopped attending church once she turned sixteen and she was given the choice. Heather prayed every night for her daughter, as well as for guidance; some sign that what she'd done had been for the best and was in accordance with His will. Nothing ever came of it, but she knew that didn't mean anything. God had stopped burning bushes long ago.

Heather also stopped trying to make her daughter keep a schedule. She resigned herself to just let the girl be and hope that she would get past her pain. She asked the ex-collogue of hers who'd taken over her local practice to be Faith's therapist when it became clear that Heather was the last person Faith would talk to about her problems.

Each morning Faith would wake and lie in her bed, trying to get up the will to get dressed and go eat, resolving that this day would be better than the last, but would inevitably make her way down in ratty pajamas no sooner than ten or eleven. Long gone were her pretty dresses, replaced instead with off the shelf yoga pants and baggy sweatshirts.

She made herself stay fit, walking the woods often and visiting places she'd gone with Erica, but nothing she did brought joy to her. She tried dating to make a serious effort to get over her heartbreak, she even thought she might be in love with a girl she'd known from elementary school who'd come out earlier that last year, but everyone she dated, boy or girl, just made her feel worse. It was always as though she were cheating on Erica. She knew it wasn't logical, but she couldn't get over the feelings.

Heather's friends and acquaintances, especially those at their church, often asked about 'that adorable little precocious Erica' and wondered why she never came home from boarding school, even for holidays. Heather would always make excuses that Erica was far too busy and had declined all her invitations home; that her education had become her life, and Heather had no intention of letting anything, even a family holiday, stand in the way of her future. Eventually people stopped asking as rumors began to spread that Heather had never really cared for the orphaned niece who'd been thrust upon her, sending her away as soon as she could.

They stopped going to the annual Dempsey Halloween party after the first year without Erica. Faith refused to wear a costume that year, and turned down every request to dance. A lovesick Mike would barely speak to the Hargraves, leaving a cloud to hang over the celebration that year. While everyone knew why the mood was so somber, no one would talk about it openly. Heather made her apologies the following year, and advised the Dempseys that they would no longer attend the annual celebration as she had no desire to let Erica's absence darken what was supposed to be a happy and joyous occasion.

Mike grew into his own after they stopped coming and finally started dating, ending up in a serious relationship with Faith's old friend Jennifer Wilks. Everyone 'knew' they would get married as soon as they finished high school, but Jennifer left New Hampshire shortly after graduation to pursue a life in Boston, leaving a broken and rejected Mike alone to work his parents' ranch with no feeling left in him.

Brooke took it harder than any of them. She blamed herself that Erica was forced away; that her insistence at extracting the promise from Heather that 'Erica' would only ever be a coping tool and nothing more had driven Heather into taking the only other option; sending her away. Heather tried to convince her that the decision was only partly to do with the promise she'd made to Brooke, but she wouldn't hear it. She knew that Erica had been aware of her disapproval, and it drove her mad with guilt and regret.

The economic downturn didn't help matters. Brooke was forced to close her shop except for select appointments with regulars, and even they started drying up after a while. She started drinking to dull the emotional pain, and her relationship with Jenny became strained to the breaking point.

One morning after a severe bender, Jenny gave Brooke an ultimatum, quit drinking and join AA or she was leaving and filing for divorce. Brooke did as she asked, but their relationship was uneasy. They still loved each other, but the same cloud hung over their home as over Hargrave House.

Time sped past; their sleepy end of the country growing more and more sparse as an increasing number of Coös County residents either left to seek their fortunes elsewhere, or died where they'd lived. By the time Faith graduated, over a thousand people had left the area... one way or the other.

Life, while it had gone on, seemed to be slowly leaving them all behind.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

CAUTION - emotional pain/open emotional wounds

--

Waiting for her name to be called, Erica was nervous. Even though it was a simple outpatient procedure, she knew there was no going back. The money her aunt Heather had sent her every month had been squirreled away, invested, and turned into a tidy sum that was paying for her new life.

None of her teachers ever understood how she could write so eloquently on subjects that seemed so far beyond her years. She won writing contests that added to her growing sum and used that money to start her own business at sixteen; a publishing house with herself as sole author. Her main target audience were others like herself; boys and girls trapped in a body not their own. She wrote stories about it, about coming to terms with it, dealing with family, friends, loved ones, employers, doctors, lawyers...

She wrote tragedies about girls who tried to become men, not because they felt they were, but because 'men had it easy', until they got their first taste of male competitiveness and ruthlessness in the real world. Where being a man meant no one cared if you lived or starved, or were even openly discriminated against because they were now a man who had 'all the advantages'.

She wrote comedies about boys who had to spend their vacation pretending to be a girl because their older sister's clothes were the only ones packed.

She wrote love stories; romance novels centered around people like herself and the thrilling highs and terrible lows that came of trying to find true love when the obstacles seemed so impossibly insurmountable.

She wrote about it from every angle; the good, the bad, and the truly ugly. Rape, molestation, sex slavery, botched operations, regrets after transition and wanting to go back, ruined marriages, suicide, transitioning teens and pre-teens and the havoc their rash and youthful choice smote on the ruin of their later lives, murder, and lonely death by neglect. She wrote it all.

She also wrote of God's love for all people, including those like herself. How no one was too lost to be saved, and how everyone was precious in His sight. She wrote about her own loss of faith over the death of her parents, how through that loss she became part of a beautiful family that loved her, and how they guided her back to His love. She wrote how she reconciled the evil of the world... including the hate spread by false teachings of His word... with God's love for us, using a simple lesson passed on by Heather from her father. It was her only non-fiction book and became a best seller the month she graduated.

Through it all, she waited for her eighteenth birthday. The day it came, she started hormone therapy, having already taken care of the legal needs beforehand. She paid to bank her reproductive material against future need, then threw herself into transition with abandon. Now she sat waiting for her breast surgery, the one to feminize her facial structure like she'd had before testosterone had mangled it having been done months earlier.

That, along with a voice feminization surgery to return her voice to the soft strains of her past, and laser hair removal, had all served to bring a little peace to her tortured soul. Within only a few months she had made herself completely as she saw herself in her mind's eye; free to be the woman she'd ached to become since age twelve. Her name had also changed on her birthday. Legally and forever, she would be Erica Bella Dunning.

As she waited in the doctor's office, she received a text. Glancing at it, expecting it to be some message from her secretary June, her heart began to race when she saw it wasn't and who it was from. All the message said were three simple words.

"We found her."

Following the hyperlink, she read in horror the report from the private detective that she'd hired to find her long lost first love.

April Stone was diagnosed with clinical depression by her family doctor at age 13. She was prescribed anti-depressants, which led to a sleep disorder, for which she obtained tablets of Estazolam (a sleep aid that can worsen depression) from a street dealer.

She overdosed at age 15 and was committed to a psychiatric ward for observation. She was released under her parents' care 12 hours later when it was determined the overdose was accidental, not a suicide attempt. She continued psychiatric treatment until she reached the age of majority in January. At that point, she left home, moved to Flagstaff after getting her juvenile record sealed, and took a job as a waitress at a restaurant called Ed's Diner while she completed high school.

Miss Stone graduated on June 8th and is still living in Flagstaff in an apartment near her place of employment. She is unmarried and does not appear to be dating or seeing anyone socially. She has no apparent contact with her family, and maintains only a few social media accounts. She appears to intend to enroll in college at some point as she seems to have sent away for multiple pamphlets for many different institutions around the country. Her area of interest appears to be psychology.

She sees a volunteer therapist, Dr. Heart, one afternoon each week. We've determined by our own methods that she still suffers nightmares, depression, anxiety, and a fear of dying alone. Your previous name is mentioned repeatedly. A recent photo, taken July fourth, is attached in appendix A. Contact information, address, and location of employment are fully detailed in appendix B.

This concludes our investigation and we thank you for your business. Good luck!

Erica briefly considered rescheduling her procedure with this new information, but dismissed the idea and thought that if she were to go to April now it wouldn't be right. Knowing that April was working on fixing her issues, Erica knew she needed to do the same before seeing her. Making one concession to her need to connect as soon as possible, she texted a message to the cell number the detectives provided.

"I've missed you. I never really held it against you that you're a girl. -E"

Within seconds she got a reply.

"Eric?"

Blushing, she only sent a smiley followed by a heart.

"OMG! is it REALLY you?"

She tapped out a quick reply.

"It took me this long and a few private detectives to find you. I never stopped missing you."

Seconds passed before the reply came.

"how do I know it's really you?"

"'Me: You smell funny. You: It's just soap. Me: I use soap and that isn't it.' The day I moved in and my Mom went to the hospital. Convinced?"

"ERIC!!! where are you? your number is not one I know! 603? still New Hampshire?"

"Yes, but I don't live with my aunt anymore. I live on my own now. Long story. Maybe with a happy ending."

"I HAVE to see you! Tell me where you are and I'll find a way to book a flight!"

"I'd love to, but need time to get things sorted. I know all about what happened. Keep going to Dr. Heart. He sounds like he really wants to help you." Sending that, she quickly finished it. "Tied up the next few weeks. Can't get away! Sry! Next month I'll send a plane ticket. Round trip. I need to see you and for you to see me. You'll understand."

An interminable wait followed. Finally, she got her reply. "guess you got a good pvt eye! so embarrassed! made a mess of my life! month's a long wait, but so's 6 yrs. what's tying you up? working in a BDSM shop? ha ha"

Erica giggled as she replied, hoping now that they wouldn't call her name anytime soon. "Very funny! Tied up on business. Started it at 16 and it took off. Easy to do when you're heartbroken, no distractions like love to get in the way."

Hearing her name called, she quickly typed a goodbye. "They're calling me! Gotta run! Just got the P.I. report before I texted you, but had to tell you right away! Love you! -E"

Turning off her phone, she strode into the cosmetic surgeon's office.

Her mind drifted freely in a haze after the drugs put her to sleep. She saw memories of her life floating past her, both happy and terrible. It seemed to stretch off into eternity before she felt the sensation that she was no longer floating, but falling... falling helplessly into an abyss of darkness.

Erica stood in a dark place that felt like a dream, but at the same time didn't.

"It's no dream." he said.

Looking around for the person who spoke, she wondered who it was.

"Funny, I knew who it was... I just couldn't believe who it was." the man said, knowing her thoughts. "Let's save time. Yes, I can read your mind. If you want, just look for me and you can see me. Wish my old man had told me that! See Dad? No need to be all cryptic!"

Erica slowly found herself standing at the edge of a column of light surrounded by darkness with a vaguely familiar man opposite her.

"You look beautiful, Erica!" he said proudly.

She tilted her head like Faith used to. "Dad?"

"Yep!" Jack replied, looking down at the polo and khakis he seemed to be wearing. "Though I remember wearing BDUs the last time I had clothes."

"But you're..."

"Dead." Jack sighed and looked up at the darkness. "Damn, was I this thick-headed, Dad?" He looked back to her and smiled. "To answer the question that's just forming in your Grape, I'm here because you asked me to be here to answer the question that's been itching in the back of your brain-housing for six years. I don't want to ruin the moment for you, so I'll let you go ahead and ask."

She swallowed hard. "Um... well, I guess what I want to know is... will you still love me as your daughter instead of as your son?"

"Erica, I love you... daughter or son makes no difference." Jack half-smiled at her. "Though it was funny as hell watching you pretend to be Buttons!"

"Stop it, Jack!" his wife admonished. Beside him as though she'd been there all along, Erica's mother looked at their child. "Hi, sweetie! You look lovely! But then, I thought you did when I was your shadow that year, too."

"Mom?" Erica almost cried before she looked down at herself, seeing that she appeared exactly how she imagined her ideal self to be.

"Yes, sweetie. I'm sorry I had to leave you, but you'll understand why someday." she explained without explaining.

"I have to know!" Erica said stepping further into the light. "Am I making the right decision? Choosing to be a woman?"

Jack looked at his wife. "She thinks it was her choice!" he laughed and looked down. "Sorry, sweetie! You were submarined, same as everyone!"

"Jack," she growled. "She asked a serious question!" She looked back at their child. "To answer your question, as long as you're following your heart... yes. He loves us and wants us to be happy. Your book was right. You should listen to your own advice, sweetie."

The shaft of light began to slowly fade, Jack sighing and putting an arm around his wife. "Damn, that was fast! Wish you'd got the thousand-year treatment I got, just not how I got it. I'd love to spend a few lifetimes with you. Just remember that we love you... always."

"Forever, sweetie." her mother added. "Just the way you are, Erica..."

"Erica..."

"Erica?"

Her eyes fluttered opened to the sound of someone saying her name. Two hours had passed and her secretary June was standing over her calling out to her, there to pick her up and take her to her office where she could be watched for several more hours before finally going home.

Thinking as she sat in the back of her limousine, Erica pondered the odd dream. Was it a dream? she wondered before answering herself. Of course it was! Just my mind needing to feel like Mom and Dad would approve. Taking a pad, she jotted down some details for later use in a book.

Three weeks of on and off texting with April later, Erica felt up to meeting her face-to-face, but first she felt she had to tell April everything.

"You there A?" Erica texted her.

"for you, anytime E!"

"Can you talk on the phone right now? You're off work today, right?"

"sure, if you want to i'd love to hear your voice! probably sexy!"

"Some people think so. I'll call from this number so you know it's me."

"Did your voice change much?"

"In a way, yes. Calling."

Feeling the sweat on her hands as the phone rang, Erica felt like she was twelve all over again and going shopping in Berlin. After only one ring, it was answered.

"Eric?" April's voice sounded a little deeper to her ears, but Erica knew at once it was her.

"Yeah." she said in simple reply.

"You sound funny. Are you stuffed up?"

"No. April, I've been dying to tell you something... something big, but I've been afraid to." Erica closed her eyes and imagined April on the other end.

Shaking her head, April laughed. "Whatever it is, it can't be as bad as what I did! We must have a weird connection." Erica heard her giggle. "You almost sound like a woman!"

With her eyes still closed, Erica took a deep breath. "I am." she confessed. Dead air followed. A sinking feeling in her stomach threatened to consume her while she squeezed her eyes tighter shut.

April was confused. Sure that she'd misheard, or that something had been lost in the phone connection, she asked, "Sorry, you're what?"

Opening her eyes, Erica spoke plainly. "I'm a woman, April. It's a long story, but I'd like you to know all of it... if you'll let me share it with you."

"Eric? Is this some sort of joke? I mean, you were always doing things to make me smile or laugh, so... Eric don't BS me!"

Tears started to form in her eyes as she could see it all crumbling down. April would hate her. She'd despise her for destroying the boy she loved, replacing him with a freak. "It's no joke, April. I'm... I'm a woman. It's really me! Ask me anything! I can tell you what we had for lunch the first day of first grade! You had PB and J with a banana and a box of milk, and I had mustard tuna with pickle, chocolate milk, and three Oreos! I remember because that jerk Steve Reynolds tried to take my sandwich, but got grossed out by it! It's me, April! My... my name's Erica now... Erica Bella."

April almost dropped her phone. She had no doubt. No one but her best friend could know that level of detail. "Whoa! Did you say Erica? You took your mom's name?"

Tears started to roll down her cheek. Composing herself, she nodded her head. "Before I was born, Mom and Dad were going to call me that 'cause the doctor thought I was going to be a girl!" She sobbed into the phone before she pulled her emotions back enough to continue. "I guess the doctor was right after all! I... I just took the name I was supposed to have."

She was moving beyond stunned and directly into livid. "You son of a bitch! You jerked my heart strings for three weeks and you... you..."

Wiping her tears away, only to have them immediately replaced, Erica stammered her reply. "I... I tried not to! I... I just couldn't help myself! I fell in love with you when you tried to kiss me goodbye in LAX! I... I could see it in your eyes! You... you loved me!"

Pacing her living room like a caged tiger, April was fuming. "Of course I loved you! I nearly killed myself, I missed you so badly! You never called, you never wrote! What the actual hell... Eric!"

"I... I t-tried to call you, the day after I got there... b-but your p-parents..." she stammered, the pain from that day coming back as though it were yesterday.

Stopping, April remembered the afternoon the day after her best friend left. Shortly after she got home from school the phone had rung and she thought it might be 'Eric' based on her father's tone, but they had insisted that it wasn't. "Those bastards!" she fumed. "You know they made me unfriend you? They changed my cell number, made me delete my email... they even told the school I had to have a new email there, too! Claimed you were harassing me!"

"I... I know." Erica nodded through the tears. "I tried everything... but... Oh God, April! I'm so sorry!" She tried to stem the tide once more, but her tears kept falling. "You... you don't know what I went through! I lost everything! I lost Mom! You! I even lost what little luggage I had! When I got there I had nothing and because your parents sent me a week early, they weren't ready for me! Then the power went out for days... they had no cell service... no Internet... the roads were closed... I... I..."

Trying to explain, the more Erica did, the more upset she got. "I ended up having to wear my cousin Faith's clothes, and... oh God, April! That first time I looked in the mirror looking like a girl? I saw Mom looking back! It was like she was there! Alive again! I couldn't reach you, I was alone, and there was Mom!" Calming herself, she finished. "At first it was necessity, then it was an escape, then it was who I am... who I always was, really."

Her fury spent itself as April listened to the story of how Erica ended up so different. "Alright... Erica... so you've lived as a girl for the last six years?"

"No." Erica shook her head. "Just the first year, and again since I turned eighteen." She spent the next half hour detailing how she'd become known as Erica, how as she got older it was impossible to continue passing as a girl, and then how her aunt had sent her away to pretend to be Eric once more.

"When they sent me away, I was... dead, completely dead inside, April. I did what I had to, but nothing mattered anymore. I was forced to be 'Eric the orphan boy' and had no one who loved me. I... I hate them! My aunt... Faith... all of them." she continued, her voice hardening. "They didn't want me. I never went home after they sent me away and I refused visits from them. I wrote back out of respect for the letters they wrote to Eric, but since I wasn't him, I never signed them. As far as anyone was concerned then, Eric was a non-person... and Erica died when they sent her away. I was nobody."

April sat at her kitchen table to listen. "So... then what happened?"

"I started writing again." Erica sniffed. "It brought me back to myself. I was good, so I won some awards. I started my own publishing company using my prize money and my aunt's 'guilt money'." Erica laughed at the memory. "When I turned sixteen, she bought me a freaking Mercedes S-Class! Like I ever wanted her crap! That's what put me over the top, though. I sold it right back to the dealership, undriven, and used the money to publish my first book." Sighing, she looked around her office. "It was a hit, so now I'm a big-time independent publisher. Big deal."

Conflicted as she heard the boy she knew in the young woman that she was listening to, April shook her head in disbelief. "It is a big deal, Eric...a! I mean, aren't you a success now? You probably have like a million friends!"

"None." she shook her head solemnly. "Maybe one, if you count my secretary, June. She likes me, but like a good boss, not really like a friend. Success only brought me two things I ever wanted. The first was being able to become the woman I needed to be."

April paused a moment before asking, "And the second?"

"Your phone number." Erica practically sighed the last part out, unable to hide the sound a lovesick woman.

Smiling a little, she asked, "So you did all that, to... to find me?" April heard her old friend giggle over the phone.

"A little! I mean, you were like my goal. I needed to make enough money to hire enough detectives to find you, but I wanted to help people while doing it. I guess I have." Erica paused before finishing her thought, her voice dropping low and sad. "But none of that matters. I guess it was all for nothing."

"So I'm nothing then?" April barked. "What, because I'm just a waitress and you're some big-time publisher?"

"No!" Erica snapped back at her. "Because now that I found you, you don't want me!"

Slowly realizing how harsh she'd been, without even giving Erica a chance to explain, April took it down a notch. "Um... OK. Yeah, I was a bit of a bitch... but you can't just drop something like this on someone like that!"

"So how was I supposed to break it gently then?" Erica harrumphed.

"Well for starters you could..." Pausing, April tried to think of a gentle way to tell a long lost friend they changed sex. "Um... well... why were you hitting on me!?" she shouted.

"Because I love you!" Erica shouted back. "I think I've always loved you! Because I dream about you! Because I've never been with another woman because they aren't you!" She was angry, but glad to finally get those things out in the open.

April was dumbstruck. "Uh... really?"

Still fuming, Erica barked in reply. "Yes!" Making herself count to ten, she tried to be calm again. "Yes, April. I meant every word, and every word I texted you was right from my very fragile heart."

She tried to imagine what her twelve year old sweetheart would look like as an eighteen year old woman, but couldn't match the two. "So... what do you look like now?" she asked curiously.

Erica tried to be serious, but her friend had just left too much open to let the opportunity pass. "Like Bo Derek... only hotter!"

Laughing genuinely for the first time in a long while, April smiled. "Oh... very funny! If I wasn't sure before, I'd know now... it's still you! But come on... seriously. Did your private eye get you a picture of me? They do that in the movies."

She laughed with April and looked at the photo of her once more. "July fourth. You were on your way home from work. Cute uniform!"

"Oh, God! I remember that day! It was hot, windy, and I was dog-tired from working a double! I musta looked like a junky!"

"Not at all. Sure, you look tired, but I can still see the beautiful girl I once knew in the woman I see."

Feeling herself getting the same feelings she used to get when she would imagine being with Eric, she shook it off quickly. "Oh! You're smooth!"

Shaking her head, Erica leaned back in her chair. "Just being honest."

April felt a mild tingle run down her spine at the idea that she could still make her childhood sweetheart look past the physical and see her. "So, since you know what I look like, it's only fair that you tell me what you look like... for real, I mean!"

Unsure how she'd take it, Erica told her anyway. "I look a lot like my mom, but with dirty-blonde hair. I guess I always did."

She tried to remember Mrs. Dunning, but the memory was too clouded and vague. "I... I'm sorry, Eric. Erica! Damn it! Sorry! I... I can't remember her. Most of my memories from back then feel like another lifetime. The meds they had me on kinda messed with my head."

Grabbing the photo she'd had taken the previous week for book covers, she messaged it to April. "Sent you a pic." she said simply.

Hearing her phone chime, she swiped a finger and her memories of Erica's mother suddenly jelled into place. "My God, Erica! You do look just like her... except the hair!"

"I know." Erica murmured.

"Oh. Right. You just said that." April kept looking at the photo and then finally saw the boy she used to know so well in her eyes. "Oh, wow!"

"What's wrong?" Erica asked concernedly.

"No! Nothing!" she answered. "I just... I see you... I mean... I see the you that I remember. It's your eyes. They have that same look in them that I saw that day at the airport. You look so sad! Oh, Erica! I'm so confused!"

"If you like, I could come see you... or I could fly you out here if you still want your vacation. My treat!"

Biting her lip, she weighed her options, unsure if she really wanted to see in person the woman who'd taken the place of her first love. "Well, I... I already asked for the time off, and I could use a break from this weather! Are you sure you still want to see me? After what I said?"

"I could never stay mad at you, April. Remember?"

Recalling the number of times she'd shaken 'Eric' out of being mad with just a smile, she laughed lightly and smiled once more. "Yeah, I do."

Taking a deep breath, Erica closed her eyes and saw April smiling at her, her bitterness toward April melting like those first snowflakes in her hand. "Alright then, your round trip ticket should be delivered tomorrow morning and your return flight will be for next Sunday, but you can trade it in for a later flight if you want to stay the whole two weeks... or... an earlier flight if you.. um... want to cut it short. Sound good?"

She smiled wistfully. "Yeah, it really does." Catching herself having strong feelings for a woman she effectively barely knew, she re-focused herself. "Um, I mean it sounds OK. So then... Saturday?"

A feeling of hope spread through Erica like a wave. "Saturday... at the airport... almost where we left off!"

The day came and Erica sat waiting impatiently at Manchester-Boston. The only flight she could get for April was connected through Salt Lake, so she felt bad that April had been stuck on a plane for over five hours, but felt every second with trepidation. She busied herself with work, using her tablet, until June texted to tell her that April's flight was disembarking. Standing quickly, she checked her makeup and hair for the fifth time and straightened out her business suit, pulling the skirt down and blousing her top a little. Satisfied that the outfit would do, she waited as she started to see departing passengers.

Suddenly, through the crowd, she spotted April. Putting on her best smile, looking to be in her twenties instead of eighteen due to her smart suit, Erica waited until her childhood friend's eyes connected with hers. April looked older than her eighteen years in a completely different sort of way; tired, care-worn, and beaten down by life. A simple top and jeans showed her figure to be fit, but her face was thin, pale, drawn, and anemic-looking.

Approaching, feeling more than a little intimidated by the powerful businesswoman waiting for her, at first she thought that Erica had sent someone to pick her up; her secretary or someone similar. As soon as she could see Erica's eyes though, she knew it was her one-time best friend. The two stood in front of one another for an eternity lasting only a few breaths, not saying anything. Finally, Erica broke the silence.

"Do... do you have any bags to claim?" Seeing only a nod from her long lost love, she watched as April searched her, as though she were looking for the zipper in the woman-suit, waiting for her old friend to open it and climb out. "OK. Well, do you want me to go with you to get them, or..."

Still unable believe that the woman standing in front of her was the same 'boy' she'd lived with for six months and had known her entire young life, April was stunned. This was the same person she'd dreamt about, fantasized about, and loved. "Um... whatever is fine. If you want..." she said absently.

Erica closed her eyes and waited for the blow. Now that she's here and can see me with her own eyes... Erica was certain April just wanted to go home and move on.

Noticing the look, April knew it all too well. It was the same look she'd seen on Erica's face preparing to hear bad news as a child. "No!" she cried. "No, Erica! I didn't.... oh, shit!" She looked down at her feet absently.

Opening her eyes suddenly, Erica saw the same little girl who'd just flunked her math test and was afraid to tell her parents. "No, April! It's OK! It's... um... oh, to hell with this!" She stepped forward and hugged her oldest friend tightly. "I missed you so much!" she almost cried.

April was stunned, but quickly returned the hug, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. "You have no idea how much I missed you!" As the two separated, she wiped her eyes. "Well, maybe you do!"

Shaking her head to clear it, Erica tried to smile. "Well then, lets go get your bags and I'll drive you to your hotel. I got you a suite at a place not far from here. I hope you like it!"

They walked in silence for a time, still very unsure of each other. April led the way, grabbing her suitcases and dropping them on the luggage cart that Erica had brought to her. April found herself looking around at everything else but her oldest friend; the rental car booth, the ticket counter, the people coming and going, anything to distract her from the reality that was so different from her fantasy reunion with her one true love. There were no bells, no music in her heart, no electric thrill of the first touch. It was just... awkward. Heading to exit the airport, she started toward the parking garage escalator, but was stopped when Erica called to her.

"April? My car's right outside."

Following her out, the visitor from Arizona looked for a car, but couldn't see anything past a white limousine. "Where?" She watched as Erica stood next to the limo while the driver got out and waited patiently. Slowly approaching, she laughed a little. "You rented a limo?"

Furrowing her brow, Erica shook her head. "Of course not! Eddie? Would you get Miss Stone's bags please? April? This is my driver, Eddie."

She saw the large black man in the gray suit tip his hat at her with a smile. "Ma'am!" he said as he took her suitcases and dropped them in the trunk.

April stood next to the back of the car stunned. "You have your own limo? Jesus, Erica! I mean, you said you were doing well, but..."

Slowly approaching her only friend in the world, she sighed sadly. "You might say I got used to it." She lowered her head in sorrowful memory of the happy life she all-too-briefly knew. "My aunt Heather had a butler and chauffeur named Fredrick. He was such a wonderful man. I miss him."

Seeing Erica's sorrow made the powerful businesswoman look small and helpless. April made her way over to her as Eddie opened the door for them both. Climbing in, the newcomer settled on the far side of the car while Erica sat on the passenger side. There was enough room on her bench that she could have laid down and taken a nap. "I'm impressed!" she smiled. Sitting across from her, April seemed to be looking at everything but Erica.

"Th-thanks!" her long-lost love muttered. After the driver got in, the car slowly pulled away from the curb. Soon they were moving and a thick silence hung in the air. Erica closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

"Come on, E! Just spit it out." April said, recognizing the signs that Erica was trying to get up the nerve to say something.

Her breath fell out of her like someone had just popped a balloon. Smiling, she nodded. "You know me too well, April. I guess this was all just a big mistake. I know you're... disturbed... seeing me this way." Seeing her about to object, she held up a hand like her aunt Heather used to do to forestall an objection. "I know... it doesn't matter so long as I'm happy, right? You're fine with it, right? You and I both know that's not true."

Feeling insulted, April lashed out. "Where do you get off..."

Erica was hurting. Here she was, finally with the one girl she never stopped loving, and April couldn't even look at her. "Just stop!" she shouted. "Alright? Spare me the bullshit! I know it bothers you, April! You know me so well you can tell when I want to say something difficult? Well, I know you just as well! You're acting like that day that creepy guy followed us home from school! Like I'm some sort of perv out looking to score with little girls, or something! Just say it!"

"Alright!" she screamed back. "I admit it! It creeps me the hell out! Jesus, E! I can see you in there! I can hear you in the words you use. In the way you talk... in your eyes... hell, even the way you dress! You always were a conservative dresser, and here you still are!" She paused a moment before smiling a little mischievously. "You are hot, though!"

Her blood up to boiling, Erica couldn't help herself when April smirked. Before she realized it, Erica had started laughing. Soon, both of them were. After a moment, the laughter died and silence hung in the air again. Not wanting to let it linger, Erica looked at her oldest friend.

"I'm sorry." was all she could say.

April looked away, ashamed of herself. "What do you have to be sorry for? I'm the one with the problem! I should be happy for you..." Her voice trailed off, unable to give words to her feelings.

"...but?" Erica asked. Seeing April close her eyes and repress her tears, she knew the rest. "...but you wanted Eric, and I'm not him. I never was. See? That's why I'm sorry, April. I... I failed you. I... I can't be the way you can want me to be... and now... now..." She took another deep breath and said what they were both thinking. "I'm not the person you thought you loved."

April felt the tear escape her eye. "God damn it!" she yelled at herself for letting her feelings show. She learned before she turned fourteen that she needed to repress her feelings, to bury them so far down they didn't show. Now Erica was trying to dig them up again. Old scars of pain, loss, yearning, and guilt bubbled to the surface and she railed against it. "Yes! You killed my Eric! He's dead! Gone! You're just an imitation! God, my parents were right! I should have just moved on and forgotten about you! This was all just a huge mistake!"

Erica's heart shattered. With her family gone, her one hope for happiness left in the world was gone. In its place sat a void that couldn't be filled. Her heart ached for April's love, but she now understood it could never be. Too much time had passed and they were each so changed by the absence of the other that their former selves were simply gone. Any hope for reclaiming their lost love was futile. Erica had known it could happen; likely would happen. She'd written about this exact same situation time and again. She'd only hoped that somehow their love could overcome it.

The hurt welled up inside so powerfully that she wanted to cry it all away. She tried to stem the tide of sorrow as April obviously had done, to spare the woman she loved the pain of seeing her reduced to tears at the hateful words. Unfortunately, while April had been hardened by life to hide her feelings in order to get by, Erica had learned to cope by expressing them and letting them flow freely. She had no way of stopping the flood of tears; no cofferdam of anger to fall back on. She could never truly hate someone she cared about, even if they hated her. The once again lost orphan girl managed to hold her tears back just long enough to turn away before they began pouring down her face.

April couldn't watch as the wounds she'd inflicted tore her one-time best friend and first true love apart. Part of her despised Erica for being weak, for letting her feelings show and not burying them as she had done. She hated that Erica wasn't strong enough to spare her the knowledge that she had just destroyed her best friend's dreams. The rest of her was at war with the anger. You're a cruel, hard, and bitter woman that doesn't deserve someone like Erica! She tried to hold on to her anger, but the tide had turned. Her anger washed inward in a sea of guilt and remorse until all that was left was the pain of watching her dearest friend cry.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

--

It was a bright Wednesday morning, five days from Halloween. Heather sat in her loveseat reading Keats, while Faith was upstairs alone in her room, as usual. While Cook puttered in the kitchen and Franchesca updated Erica's website before starting the laundry, Fredrick busied himself with preventative maintenance on the limousine. It seemed like just another day.

It was. Just as was the day before, and the day before that. Just like the thousands of days that ran together in a seemingly indistinguishable string of sameness over the last five years. When at last the sun began to set, right as Heather was heading up the stairs to go and try and coax Faith down to dinner, she heard a car pull up their driveway.

Not expecting anyone, Heather's heart raced for a moment, hoping it might be who she longed to see driving up to her house, but the hope died in her quickly, knowing it never would be. He's never coming back. she accepted. I abandoned him and he hates me. I deserve no less. Still wondering who would be coming to see her though, she slowly started back down the steps just as Fredrick opened the front door in response to the gentle knocking.

As the door opened, she could see two ladies standing outside. From her perspective, she could only see them from the waist down. Stepping down the staircase, her view of the two slowly moved up their bodies until she saw their faces and her heart skipped a beat.

"Erica!?" she gasped as she began to run down the rest of the stairs and around the corner toward the door.

Standing just outside, her shoulder-length red hair curled to perfection, Erica had grown up, but not so much as to prevent her aunt from knowing it was her. She was taller, over five-foot ten, two of those inches aided by the heels she wore, and her outfit accentuated her very feminine curves, but she could still see the girl she once knew in the woman at her door.

Heather stood mutely as Cook, Franchesca, and Faith all started heading toward the door at hearing the name that hadn't been spoken openly in the house for almost five years. Not waiting for the others, her aunt finally gathered her composure. "Won't you come in, sweetheart?" She tried to say it with nothing but love and joy in her heart, but fear crowded its way into her voice. "Please?"

Looking at her aunt, Erica hardly recognized her. The once elegant lady who shone like a diamond had been turned into a middle-aged woman with gray hair slowly fading away her lovely blond coif and a pale complexion that was replacing her once healthy pink hue. Finally, she managed to squeak out, "Mamma?"

Overwhelmed with simultaneous grief and joy, Heather broke down. She fell to the floor, simply unable to keep her own feet.

Immediately, Erica and Fredrick moved to her just as all the others reached the entryway. Chaos ensued as five voices all vied for Heather's attention, trying to see if she was all right, needed a doctor, help to a chair, a glass of water, or to go lie down. The only one not speaking was Faith, who was mute with shock. She could only stand at the lower landing of the steps and stare at the girl she'd loved from the day they'd met... then at the young woman who'd so obviously taken her place at Erica's side.

Faith didn't need Erica to explain. She knew from the day Erica was forced to leave that she would find love. It was too easy to love her. She'd likely had a dozen girlfriends over the years. She'd never written home about any, but Faith knew in her bones with each letter what Erica must have left out. The girl next to her gave the proof that her feelings had been right all along. Erica didn't need her, had never needed her, the way she needed Erica. It hurt, but she wouldn't blame her. She couldn't. She loved her too much.

The chaos only died when a shrill whistle silenced them all. Everyone looked back at Faith as she took her fingers out of her mouth.

"Freddie? Get Mamma off the floor and take her to the loveseat. Cook? Get her a glass of water. In fact, bring a pitcher and glasses. Franchesca? Run and grab the first aid kit and bring it to me. Erica? Close the door and see your guest to the living room." When she saw the stunned faces looking back at her, shocked that Faith had said more in one minute than she'd said the entire previous week, she shouted to break the spell. "Move!"

At that, each went to their assigned tasks. Soon Heather was seated and recovering her composure as Cook poured her a glass of lemon water and handed it to her shakily. While Faith took a seat next to her mother and across from Erica and her guest, the woman of the house finally spoke up.

"Erica? W-What happened to you? We stopped getting letters from you months ago! My God! You called me Mamma! You don't hate me? Say something, sweetheart! Please!"

Holding up a hand for silence, Faith took out the same stethoscope she'd worn all those years ago as a prop, bidding everyone be quiet, including her mother, while she checked her mother's heart. In her efforts to get over the pain of losing her love, Faith had tried embracing nursing and had been studying it for years on her own. While she was not an RN, and couldn't be until she went to college and got her degree, she knew enough to identify a potential heart attack. Sighing with relief, she turned to everyone. "She's fine! Just an emotional shock." She leveled her gaze at her cousin.

"I... I'm sorry, Mamma." Erica blushed. "I didn't mean to... I mean... that is..." Tears welled up in her eyes as she looked around the room at all the people still in the world who she'd ever loved. Finally, she managed to almost whisper, "I'm home! Home!" Moving quickly, she crossed over to her aunt and hugged her as though she might vanish from in front of her eyes if she let go. "Oh God, Mamma! I missed you so much!"

Heather held her and rocked her just like she had when she was twelve. "Shhh! It's all right, sweetheart! I've got you!"

Wanting to touch Erica's arm, just like she had the night April's parents had broken her heart and severed the best friends' ties seemingly forever, Faith nervously glanced over at the woman sitting across from her and saw her smiling back. Taking that as a cue, she silently ran her hand along Erica's smooth arm, just to let her cousin know she was there.

Touching Erica frightened her, stirring feelings she'd long ago buried and tried to forget. Feelings that were now boiling to the surface with such strength it took all her will to keep from grabbing Erica and kissing her in front of God and everybody. She pushed them back down for her cousin's sake. She knew nothing good would come of it and quite a lot of bad likely would, most probably her and Erica never seeing each other again. Faith loved her too much to do that.

Finally, Erica released her aunt and settled back on her heels. Taking a silk hanky from her tiny black purse, she dabbed at her eyes and started to laugh. "God, I must look terrible! I wanted to look so perfect for you!"

Smiling, Heather touched Erica's lovely hair. "You look fine, sweetie! Better than I ever imagined!" Taking the tissue being offered by Fredrick, she smiled up at him with a simple "Thank you." and started drying her eyes. After a moment, she turned to Erica. "Please, sweetie! Sit down! You must be tired after that drive! Are either of you hungry? Cook was only throwing together some leftovers, but I'm sure she'd be happy to..."

Her niece held up a hand, stopping her aunt. "Leftovers... would be fine, Mamma." Erica's voice sounded light and happy. While Cook headed for the kitchen to prepare food for two more, Erica looked up. "Fredrick? I know I sort of disrupted tonight's schedule. I don't want to delay things further, so would you escort us to the dining room?"

He raised an eyebrow, briefly glanced at Heather, then bowed crisply. "Very well, Miss Erica." A smile crept over his lips, not even trying to hide it. Helping Erica and her guest up, he then did the same for Faith and Heather. Escorting them into the next room while Franchesca ran to the kitchen ahead of them to help Cook bring out plates and silverware, Fredrick bowed to her. "Apologies, Miss Erica. We have not been accustomed to eating in the dining room for some time. Most meals are served in the kitchen now." he stated with a hint of disdain, holding out the chair at the head of the table.

Heather raised her chin proudly, her manor at odds with her casual attire. "Thank you, Fredrick." Taking her seat at the head of the table, Erica paused while he pulled out a chair across from her usual seat for her guest before taking her usual place next to Faith, waiting for Fredrick to seat them.

"Well," her aunt began, "I guess we have a lot to catch up on! Erica sweetheart, would you please introduce your guest?"

Her smile melted at the realization that she'd never even made any introductions before being seated. "Oh! In all the excitement, I forgot!" Smiling once more, she giggled, "Everyone? I'd like you to meet April!"

Heather drew in a sharp breath. "Your friend from California? Good Lord, sweetie... how...?"

Taking a moment, Erica tried to explain. "A private detective found her for me. We reconnected a few months ago." She looked across the table to April and smiled shyly.

Looking from one to the other, her aunt sighed as she lay her napkin across her lap. "Well, that is good news! April? Welcome to Hargrave House! I do hope you'll both be staying for the evening? There's just so much to talk about!"

Cook came in carrying a steaming pot of stew, smiling at Erica as she sat it in the middle of the table. Turning toward the kitchen, she stopped when Erica grabbed her arm gently.

"Cook? When you're done, won't you please join us?" she asked.

Flabbergasted, Theresa could barely form words to reply. "No, dearie! You need to catch up with your family!"

"You all are my family!" Erica smiled. "You too, Franchesca! Fredrick?"

The two looked at one another, maid and butler. Finally, Franchesca turned and scowled. "That just wouldn't be proper! You know that, girl!"

Rising from her seat, Erica walked up to the maid, hugged her, and then took her by the hand and held out a chair for her. Making herself look serious, she intoned gracefully, "I insist!"

Blustering, Franchesca wagged her finger at the girl. "Why I! Why you! Now listen!" Seeing that none of her growling was even phasing the young woman, she flattened her face and narrowed her eyes, trying to make a dent, but Erica stood firm. After a moment she finally said, "Oooo!" and took the far-left seat from Heather, two chairs down from April.

Standing, April held out the chair next to her. "Please?" was all she said.

Slowly making her way around the table, Theresa sat in the offered chair. "Thank you, dearie!" Looking up at Fredrick, she could see him stiffen his back in resolve. "Fred? Sit!" she barked, pointing at the chair at the end of the table, opposite their employer.

Walking up to him, Erica's eyes were soft and pleading. "Please, Fredrick? I know you don't think it's proper, but... there are some things I need to tell you." She turned and looked at those already seated. "All of you." Turning back to him she begged, "Please? For me? Just this once?"

Fredrick knew before her plea that he was going to cave, but let her finish. "Very well, Miss Erica." he said evenly, his voice betraying his feelings as it quavered slightly when he spoke her name. Moving to Erica's chair, he held it for her until she was once more seated. He then moved to the end of the table and slowly sat himself. "How very odd." he noted.

Laughter broke around the table as the seven sat together for the first time. Erica watched Cook serve up stew into everyone's bowls, then retrieve a plate of rolls from the kitchen before she returned to her seat. Looking up towards her aunt, Erica cleared her throat as Heather nearly took a bite. "Mamma?" she asked confusedly.

Their tradition of saying grace having been abandoned years ago, Heather turned crimson. "Oh! You wouldn't mind? I just thought..." Heather then looked at her daughter pensively.

"It's alright, Mamma." Faith sighed. Bowing her head for the first time in years, she pretended to pray just as Erica had so long ago.

Looking around the table after saying grace, Heather sighed happily. "Well, everyone eat up!" Taking her own first bite, she watched as Erica and April began. Dear Lord! Thank you for bringing my Erica back to me! I was a fool! She fought back tears of joy as she joined the rest of the family.

While they ate, only light small talk interrupted the meal. Erica looked at Cook sitting next to April. "You have no idea how much I missed your cooking!" she complimented. "This is so good!"

"Why thank you, dearie!" Theresa blushed. "That's very thoughtful of you!"

Enjoying her first home-cooked meal in longer than she could remember, April's own mother not having made a full meal since before Erica had moved in with them, relying on frozen food and eating out, she listened to the family talk happily. It made her smile, but looking around the table, her eyes met Faith's stare. Their mutual gazes locked, April could see so much in the vibrant blue eyes across from her. Jealousy, pain, and longing, but also elation and happiness for her cousin. The two seemed to know each other's thoughts; each one knowing and aware of how obvious their own feelings about Erica were to one another. Finally, Faith looked down at her bowl in shame just as April did the same.

Faith was confused. She had looked into April's eyes, but she didn't see the joy she'd expected to find, knowing what she and Erica must have shared with one another. Instead she saw embarrassment, guilt, and the pain that Faith knew all too well. The moment Erica had introduced her, Faith had seen their loving reunion in her mind's eye as though she'd been there. Their soft embrace, the first kiss of their true love, romantic dinners by candlelight, and their frantic first night of passion. It had been all so clear to her, but she saw none of that in April's gaze; just that same dreadful emptiness she saw in her own reflection.

When at last the seven finished their simple meal together, Erica looked at each of them in turn. "I wanted to talk to you all about some things... some things that have happened to me." She turned to her aunt Heather and looked at her sorrowful expression. "I know what you did, sending me away, was probably the hardest thing you've ever done, Mamma. I want you to know it was the right thing to do."

Her aunt shook her head in dismay. "No, Erica! It... it was a mistake! I... I should never have sent you away!" She fought back her tears as the guilt nearly tore her to pieces.

Moving quickly, Erica stood and moved to her aunt, dropping to one knee beside her chair. "No, Mamma! It wasn't! It needed to be done! I needed that time to know myself! To be certain that this is what I wanted!" She lowered her gaze to the floor. "You took on yourself all the responsibility, blame, and anger that came from doing the right thing instead of the easy thing... and you did it for me." Looking back into Heather's tearful eyes, she repeated three words spoken so long ago. "No greater love..."

Faith stood up furiously. "Bullshit!" Silence washed over the room as she glared at Erica. "How can you say that? She sent you away! Abandoned you! Made you live like a boy! God, Erica! You should hate her!" She looked her mother dead in the eyes. "I know I do! She destroyed our home!"

Standing, Erica stared her cousin down. "I could hate her! I did for a while, but... I... I can't! Don't you understand Faith? She had to do it!"

Turning away from them, Faith was livid with Erica for not hating her mother, crossing her arms in defiant resolve. "There was another option!"

Shaking her head, Erica sighed. "No, Faith. There really wasn't. Not for me."

Turning her head slightly, the older girl huffed. "She could have put you on hormones! Let you become the woman you wanted to be! Then you could have stayed here!" Turning to face her forbidden love, her eyes swelled with tears as her voice dropped to a near whisper. "Stayed with me."

Her words went through the room like a shockwave. Each one of them at some point had suspected Faith harbored more feelings for Erica than she should, but her words gave their suspicions truth. Cook drew in a breath.

"Faith!" Heather gasped as she looked at her daughter with eyes wide.

"What, Mother?" Faith snapped. "You knew! Before you abandoned her, you knew! You all knew!" Her eyes scanned the room at the shocked faces looking back at her. Finally, she stormed out, increasing to a run as the six heard her steps go up the stairs, followed by the slam of her bedroom door.

Erica recovered quickly. "She's wrong." Looking at her stricken aunt, she continued. "I needed the time you sent me away, Mamma. I didn't know it then, and hated you for it, but I know now." She looked around the room at the others. "I know most of you have probably hated her too, at one time or another, but you really shouldn't. If Mamma had let me stay, put me on hormones or whatever, I never would have done the things I've done that helped so many... and helped me find April."

Her aunt blinked and looked up at her. "Whatever do you mean, dear?"

Returning to her seat, Erica explained the things she'd done with her time; her writing, her business, the books she'd published, and the hundreds of thousands of letters she'd received telling how her words had transformed lives, and in some cases, saved them. Finally, she looked back at her aunt. "None of that would have been possible if you hadn't done what you did... what I needed you to do because it was what was right for me."

April reached over and took Erica's hand, giving it a squeeze. Her aunt noticed and asked what everyone present was dying to know. "Sweetheart? Are you two..." Her voice trailed off, waiting for Erica to finish for her.

The two looked at each other shyly. April turned to Erica's aunt and smiled sweetly. "Not exactly, Mrs. Hargrave."

"What does 'not exactly' mean?" Franchesca scowled as usual. "You either are, or you aren't! Which is it?"

Erica held up a hand to forestall further confusion. "We're not, but we're open to the idea." she explained as she looked back at April.

Nodding in agreement, April looked at the others. "It was hard... I mean, coming to terms with Erica being a girl, but in the end she was still the same person I'd loved my whole life..." She looked back at Erica and squeezed her hand. "...and still do!"

Theresa shook her head. "So you are together, then?"

Shaking her head, Erica turned to her. "Only in the sense that we're spending time with one another and seeing where things go. No expectations, no commitments, just getting to know one another, all over again. If we still love each other after that, well then... we'll deal with that when we come to it." She looked at April. "After all, I just don't know if I can stand living with someone who picks her teeth at the dining room table!"

April pulled her fingers from her mouth. "What? I had some roast stuck between my teeth!"

It made everyone laugh, but soon Erica turned to each of them in turn. "Fredrick? I... I know you have your own ideas about what's right and proper, and I know my father was a wonderful man, but... I needed to tell you that you're the closest thing to a father I ever knew."

Standing solemnly and bowing slightly, Fredrick choked up at the sentiment. "Thank you, Madame Erica. I... I'm honored."

Rising and walking up to him, Erica wrapped him in her arms, still unable to reach all the way around his bulk. "I love you, Fredrick!"

Returning the embrace, his countenance softened, but he never spoke.

Turning to Franchesca, Erica smiled. "And you! You may fool most people, but I know just how caring you are! I've watched the website! You've done wonderfully at keeping that silly thing going all these years!"

"Silly!" Franchesca balked. "I'll have you know the newsletter alone has a hundred thousand subscriptions! Lots of people love that site!" Adjusting her seat, she looked at the people staring back at her. "Couldn't just leave it to rot!"

Coming up behind her, Erica hugged the neck of the maid from behind, still in her seat. "I love you, Franchesca! You're always taking care of me!"

"I... You're welcome. I love you too, dear." she replied, patting Erica's hands.

Straightening up once more, she looked over at Theresa. "Cook? You were looking out for me from the start, weren't you? It took me a while, but I finally figured out it was you that made it so I could stay Erica. You helped me find a part of myself I never knew was there all along. I'll always love you, for that alone!" She waited while Theresa stood, taking each other into a loving hug.

"I just wanted you to be happy, dearie!" Theresa sighed. "You were so lost! I just couldn't let you suffer! Not when there was something I could do about it! I love you, girl!" After a minute of holding one another, the woman resumed her seat, wiping her eyes while Erica turned to her aunt.

"Mamma?" she said quietly. "Do you know why I call you that now?"

Heather barely kept the tears from her eyes. "I... I think so." Blowing her nose, she laughed lightly as she hadn't done for years. "Tell me anyway?"

Kneeling down next to her, Erica placed her hands together on her aunt's lap. "When you saw me off that day, you told me I would always be your daughter. It was what I'd wanted to hear you say for so long! It may have started off as pretending, but I always knew I wasn't like any boys I knew. I... I just didn't know why." Wiping her own tears away, she smiled. "And don't worry! I think Mom and Dad still love you, almost as much as I do!"

Tears rolled down Heather's face. "Oh, baby!" she cried, hugging Erica as she stood. They held each other a while, no one daring to interrupt.

Finally, they released one another and Erica looked up toward Faith's room. "I... think I need to talk to Faith alone for a while." She looked around the room at her loved ones. "If you'll all excuse me?"

Everyone rose to their feet as April nodded and said, "Go on, E. Talk to her."

Smiling back, she looked around one more time before walking to the stairs.

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

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Reaching the stairs and ascending, Erica recalled the first time she'd done so, scared and alone. Now as she went up them, she felt only the fear, this time that Faith was beyond reach. That of all the people she'd helped over the years, the one who needed it the most would be the one who she could help the least. Slowly walking down the all too familiar hallway, she reached the door to their once shared room. Knocking gently, she waited.

"Go away!" Faith shouted, not caring who was at the door.

Trying to open it, Erica found it locked. She sighed and turned her back to the door, leaning against it and sliding down until she was seated against it. "Faith? Please? Let me in. I... I need to talk to you. Don't make me do it through a door."

Sitting on her bed, Faith's legs were drawn up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them. Tears soaked her face as she looked up toward the door. "Go away, Erica! I don't want to talk to you!"

Closing her eyes, Erica held back the hurt. Becoming more determined, she lowered her tone. "Faith... I'm not leaving. I'm going to sit out here until you open the door so we can talk. And you know how stubborn I can be!"

Rolling her eyes, Faith remembered how Erica used to stubbornly insist on doing her own schoolwork, even when it took her hours longer and she'd offered to let her copy from her papers. The memory made her laugh, not because it was funny, but because it seemed so innocent and stupid now. Rolling off her bed, she padded over to the door and turned the lock, returning to her bed without a word.

Rising, Erica opened the door and stepped inside. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness, seeing that the room had changed so much it was unrecognizable. Gone were the toys, extra wardrobes, and their once-shared canopy bed. In their place were all new modern furniture and a disorganized assortment of books, clothes, and junk. It was as though the Faith she had known growing up had vanished and a stranger had taken her place. She slowly walked around the bed, looking at her cousin with concern and affection that only they two could understand. Taking a seat on what used to be her side of the bed, Erica half turned toward her. "I... I still love you."

Faith couldn't stand it. She began to sob into her knees. "How... how can you say that to me! How can you even look at me! I'm a disgusting perv that should be locked up!"

Climbing all the way up on the bed, Erica walked on her knees over to Faith, touching her shoulders from behind.

"Don't touch me!" Faith shouted, throwing off her cousin's arms with a shrug.

Determined, Erica grabbed her from behind and wrapped her arms around Faith's waist. Feeling her try to pull away, Erica locked her arms and grabbed her own elbows. "I won't, Faith! I won't let you chase me away!"

Panicking, Faith started to thrash, twisting and turning, trying to get Erica to release her. "No! Let go of me! Damn it Erica! Let me go!" She pushed down on Erica's locked arms, trying to force them apart. When that failed she started beating them with her fists. "Let! Me! Go!"

"No!" she shouted back. Erica held on for dear life and rested her head against Faith's back. Enduring the pain Faith was inflicting on both her arms and her heart, she held fast. "I'm not letting you go, Faith! Ever! Now stop it, damn it! You're hurting me!"

"Then let go!" she growled. Trying once more to force Erica's arms off of her, she pushed down on her cousin's hands, making them slip off her elbows. When Erica tried to re-fasten the grip, Faith grabbed Erica's wrists and pulled them out from around her.

Seeing that she was about to lose her grip, Erica reversed and grabbed Faith's wrists instead. Having been taught wrestling in school, she used it to her advantage and pulled Faith off balance, making the both of them tumble backwards onto the bed. Rolling over, Erica leapt on Faith's prone form and pinned her hands to either side of her head. Her skirt strained as she straddled her cousin and put her entire weight down on Faith's stomach. "Are you done now, Faith?" she asked.

"Get off of me!" Faith yelled. "Damn you! Get off me, Eric!"

Her cousin refused to budge. "No! And I don't care what names you call me! You're going to sit there and you're going to listen!"

Faith stopped struggling, seeing determined authority in Erica's beautiful green eyes. She half smiled and changed tactics, moving sensuously under her cousin, wrapping her legs around Erica's calves. "Well, we could always just not talk!" she purred.

She shook her head resolutely and lowered her tone to a hush. "That won't work either, Faith."

Desperately caught between hating that Erica had her immobilized and loving the fact that their bodies were pressed so close together, Faith started to cry. "Please, Erica! Please don't torture me like this!"

Erica lightened her grip slightly. "Will you talk to me?" Seeing a nod from her she added, "Promise?" When Faith just nodded, she shook her head. "No, you have to actually promise! Like we used to!"

Rolling her eyes, she relented. "Fine! I swear I'll talk to you! Alright?" The moment Erica started to release her, she quickly turned the tables and flipped her cousin over on her back. Now pinning Erica in place, Faith glared down at her. "So let's talk." She slid her body up and down Erica's in a slow undulating release of her long held passion. "Are you sleeping with her?"

Trying to dislodge Faith, she knew it was futile. Faith may not have taken wrestling, but she was a fast learner and Erica had just shown her how to pin someone so they were incapable of escape; especially on the soft mattress that gave no good leverage to push off against. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your girlfriend." Faith spat back. "Your precious April!"

Sighing and laying her head back, Erica looked up at the ceiling. "No, we aren't sleeping together. We're not even really dating, just... seeing where it goes! Now will you let me up?"

"No!" Faith shook her head. "Do you love her?"

She looked up in Faith's eyes. Knowing that lying would be a waste of time, she nodded. "Yes. I've always loved her. You know that."

Her breath only now starting to slow, Faith lowered her voice to a whisper. "Do you still love me? The way you love her?"

Closing her eyes, Erica held her breath. Letting it all out at once she uttered one fateful word in a whisper. "Yes."

"Then be with me! Here! Now! There's no law against it!" Faith pleaded. "I love you!" She started to lower her face toward Erica's, but stopped just short of kissing her. "I... I can't!" she cried. Rolling over and releasing her cousin, Faith covered her crying eyes with one hand while the other beat helplessly against the mattress. "Oh God, Erica! I want you so bad... but I... I just can't! I can't make you give up everything... the family, your life, April... just for me! Because I know you, and you would, wouldn't you?"

Erica quickly moved and pulled Faith up into her arms. Her cousin clung to her and poured her soul out on Erica's shoulder while she rocked Faith, held her, and just listened.

"I wish you'd never come back!" she cried. "I... I wish you'd just been Eric so I wouldn't love you! I wish... oh, God! I wish I didn't feel like this! I wish I could go back and change it! I wish Mamma hadn't sent you away!"

Faith cried on her shoulder while Erica just sat silently and waited. When at last her cousin's tears were spent, Erica pulled her away and looked Faith in her eyes. "I know. I know just how bad this hurts. You're still the only girl who's ever kissed me because I... I wouldn't let anyone else."

A shocked expression crossed Faith's countenance as she looked in Erica's eyes and saw how tortured she was, nearly sending her back to tears. "Oh, Erica! You... you never...?"

Slowly Erica shook her head, her colored curls bouncing lightly. "I had the opportunity, but..." She looked down at her lap. "...and then I just tried hating you. Hating you for loving me. For making me feel guilty for wanting love." She looked back up at Faith's horrified eyes. "But I couldn't. I could no more hate you for loving me than I could hate Mamma for sending me away. It's what had to be, Faith!"

Faith just backed away. "How can you not hate her for what she did? She abandoned you! She tore this family apart! It's been hell here without you!" She told her of all the hurt and anguish since her leaving; about Brooke and Jenny, Mike and Jennifer, and the hopeless atmosphere of Hargrave House. "So how can you sit there and tell me that what she did was for the best?"

Looking away, Erica tried to explain. "Faith, if Mamma had let me stay, she would have had to put me on hormones."

"What's so terrible about that?" Faith scoffed. "You're on them now, aren't you? What difference does it make?"

"Yes, but if she'd have done it then I never would have been able to have children. Now I have that option and I still get to be me! Don't you see? She took on all the responsibility of doing the hard thing, making the hard choice for the right reasons, and she did it for me... for my benefit. She let everyone hate her and think the worst of her so I could have a happier life! She sacrificed everything for me! Even her own happiness!"

Pausing she allowed the thought to sink in. "I know what people have been saying about her. That she got rid of me. That she saw me as a burden and resented having to take care of the 'poor orphan girl' who came to stay with her. Have you even once heard her deny it? She let everyone think the worst of her so they wouldn't think the worst of me!"

"So maybe she was right!" Faith shouted. "But was it worth it? Was it worth all the pain and suffering she caused just so you can maybe have kids?"

"It's more than that." Erica explained. She paced Faith's floor while telling her of the books she had written and the thousands of letters sent by people saying how their lives had been made better from them. Finally sitting on the bed once more, she turned to her cousin. "None of that would have been possible if I'd stayed here! So it's not just about me being able to have kids someday, Faith. It had to be this way! It's the way it was meant to be!"

Sniffing, Faith asked, "So... what... you went to a sperm bank or something?"

She tried to suppress it, but the giggle came out anyway. "Out of all that, that's your takeaway?"

The two stared at each other and both started to giggle like they were pre-teens all over again. Faith covered her face. "Oh, God! I can just see the look on the doctor's face when you went in to make a deposit instead of a withdrawal! Looking like that!"

Erica lost her balance and rolled onto her side laughing. Gathering her wits, she shook her head. "No! I didn't look like this, yet! I... had changed my name already though, which caused a bit of confusion!"

Suddenly Faith stopped laughing. "You mean, you looked like..." Erica simply nodded. "Oh, and you... so did you have surgery or something?"

"Something like that." she explained. "Cost me a lot, but I like the results! What do you think?" Erica spread her arms out as if to show herself off.

Looking up and down Erica's body, she could see nothing that would give away that the woman before her was anything but a natural born woman. Her hips and thighs were shapely, her legs smooth and sexy, a narrow waist tapering up to C-cup breasts, thin and delicate arms, a beautiful complexion, perfect teeth, nicely rounded jaw line, no Adam's Apple, and a voice like a songbird. "I think you're breathtakingly beautiful, just like you always were." she said eventually, her breath starting to grow ragged with desire.

Starting to move toward Erica, she stopped. Though her cousin showed no sign that she would stop her, Faith knew she had to stop herself. Looking away, she could only apologize. "I... Sorry, Erica. I didn't mean... I let myself get carried away. I'll try not to let it happen again." Clearing her throat, she made herself look back at Erica. "You do look beautiful, though." Laughing gently she added, "If Mike could only see you now! He'd flip!"

Erica rolled her eyes. "Oh, God! Mike! Ah swear, Ah thin' even if he'd a known, he'd still be wantin' me ta' be his Mot! I feel so bad for him though. Jennifer really did a number on him, huh?"

"I'm surprised he didn't leave for the city." Faith nodded. "A lot of the kids we knew back then did."

Their conversation stalling for a moment, the two just looked at each other. Eventually Erica broke the quiet. "You look good, by the way."

Smiling shyly, Faith shook her head. "In a baggy sweatshirt and yoga pants? I look like I'm pushing thirty!"

"No!" Erica denied. Waiting a moment she quipped, "Twenty-five tops!"

"Oh, yeah?" Faith shot back with a smile. She picked up a pillow and bopped Erica on the head with it.

"Oh... you've done it now, girl!" Erica grinned. Grabbing another pillow, she swung and missed.

Squaring off against Faith like they did her first day, each one looked for an opportunity to attack. Faith jumped off the back of the bed, shifting her weight back and forth between her feet. "Come on! Is that the best you got?"

Climbing down, Erica was careful never to break eye contact. "Oh, I've got lots more where that came from!" Moving sideways across the floor, the two circling each other, she waited until Faith was between herself and the bed. When Faith swung her pillow out to try and tag her, Erica ducked under it and moved in. Using her pillow like a battering ram, she pushed Faith back onto the foot of the bed, letting the pillow loose to free her hands. She was about to tickle her when she heard Faith stop laughing and gasp. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Faith had a wild look in her eyes. Her breath became ragged and her chest heaved with need. Looking up at Erica once more on top of her, she saw the concern in her eyes change to understanding, then desire, and finally guilt.

Starting to push herself up, Faith grabbed Erica's arms and held her in place. "Tell me you don't want me just as badly!"

Held fast, Erica closed her eyes. Opening them with a sincere and desperate look in them, she answered honestly. "Of course I do, Faith. But then what?"

Not ready to give up, Faith released her and watched as Erica backed away from the bed as though it would swallow her. "I could tell then... and I can tell now... you want me just as badly as I want you!"

Erica turned away and crossed her arms, holding herself. "I know! I admit it! I do!" She was near to tears at the thought of hurting either Faith or April, but she knew whichever course she chose, one of them would suffer. Turning to face Faith, she was surprised when she was no longer on the bed and was now standing less than a foot in front of her.

"Are you going to make me choose, Faith? Between you and April? Between you and Mamma? You know she wouldn't stand for it! She'd throw us both out and never speak to either of us again! What then? You go back with me to Concord? We can't get married there! Even if we went somewhere where it's legal, New Hampshire won't recognize it! We can't have children! Is that what you want, Faith? Half a life? Scandal? My business ruined? I'd end up resenting you for..." Her argument was interrupted by Faith's lips.

She had simply stepped forward and kissed Erica. She didn't even need to grab her. Within a second, Faith's right hand was behind Erica's head caressing the nape of her neck as her left drifted down her love's back to gently caress her rear. Erica's hands moved to Faith's hips, pulling the two of them tightly together. Their kiss opened as Faith parted her lips and gently let her tongue slip along Erica's teeth.

They stood together like that for several minutes, touching groping, kissing, and loving. Finally, Faith pulled away and stepped back to sit on the foot of her bed, leaving Erica standing alone. Looking down at the floor, Faith stammered, "I... I'm sorry. I just... I guess I just needed to know that I took the chance... that I knew... that..."

Moving quickly, Erica swept Faith into her arms, kissing her as she lifted her up off the bed. Once more they made out with reckless abandon, Erica kissing Faith all over her face, then down her neck. She held Erica's head against her, deeply inhaling the scent of her.

"Oh God, Erica! Please!" Feeling Erica's kisses slowing and moving lower toward her collar and forward toward her breasts, Faith gathered every shred of self-control she had and pushed Erica away. "No... I... I can't let you do this!"

The two teenagers looked into each other's fiery eyes, each seeing the passion for the other, but this time it was Faith who looked away.

Erica dropped to the floor on her knees. "So what is it then? You just wanted to make me admit I want you just as badly? And now that I have, you want to break my heart as much as yours has been broken? Is that it?"

Rolling over on her bed, Faith cried. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Sobbing for a time, she finally looked up to see Erica sitting on the floor with her legs tucked to the side of her. She had a vacant look on her face, like she had become catatonic once more. "Erica? You alright?"

Looking down at the floor she sat on, guilt washed over Erica like a tidal wave. "I... I think it would be best if we don't spend any time alone with each other. I... I can't trust myself."

Nodding, Faith agreed. "You're right." Wiping her eyes, then her lips and neck, she stood and went into her bathroom, cleaning herself up of any evidence of their passionate embrace. When she came out, she saw Erica still sitting in the same spot, not moving. Going over to her, she grabbed Erica's hands and made her stand up. "Come on, Erica! Get up!" When her cousin finally got her legs under her, Faith started leading her to the bathroom, grabbing Erica's purse on the way. "Come on, sweetie! Pull yourself together."

While Erica stood in front of the mirror, her makeup smeared by their necking, she looked at Faith in the mirror. "I would have let you have me." she said, finally looking down into her purse for her compact and lipstick. "I still would. Even now."

"I know." Faith nodded. "That's why I made us stop."

Taking a cleansing breath, Erica looked back at her reflection. "I... I understand. I think." She started to fix her makeup to leave no trace of their make-out session.

Faith looked down as Erica worked. "I just couldn't let you throw away your life... even if it meant I could finally... Oh, God! Life really isn't fair, is it?" Looking up to see a simple shake of the head from Erica, Faith walked up behind her and rested her head on Erica's right shoulder, her hands snaking around her cousin's waist in a not-so-platonic hug. It was intimate enough that Faith felt her cousin shiver with excitement, so she backed off again.

Once Erica was done to her own satisfaction, she turned and looked at Faith. Walking up to her, she took both of Faith's hands in hers, squeezed them, then kissed Faith on the cheek, slow and loving.

"Why'd you do that?" Faith asked, her hand moving to her cheek.

"Because you needed it." Erica replied sweetly. Taking Faith by the hand, she led her out of the bathroom to sit once more on Faith's bed. "Are we OK now?" she asked after a pensive moment.

"I think so." Faith sighed. "May I ask you some things? I mean, if anything makes you uncomfortable, you don't have to answer, but... I guess I just want to know some things before I'll be OK with everything. Alright?"

"I'm an open book to you, Faith." Erica agreed. "Ask away."

Getting a mischievous grin, Faith asked, "Are those real?" glancing down at Erica's chest.

Laughing, Erica quipped, "No! They're an illusion! I just use the right makeup and it only looks like I have a C cup!"

"Very funny!" Faith rolled her eyes in response. "I mean, did you have..."

"Uh-huh." Erica admitted. "I probably should have waited for some natural breast growth, but I just couldn't wait! Call it vanity if you like, but I'll get a reduction later as I grow in naturally."

"You better, or those puppies will be killing your back when you're forty!"

The two laughed earnestly before Faith moved to another question. "So anything else? Face? Lipo?" She glanced at Erica's skirt. "Down there?" Looking at Erica she grinned lustily and waggled her eyebrows.

Erica shook her head and laughed. "You're terrible! Face, yes... plus voice surgery... no lipo... and 'down there' has to wait a year. Most any reputable SRS surgeon won't do it until I've lived for at least a year as a woman."

"You lived a year as a girl here, didn't you?"

"Doesn't count." Erica noted. "It has to be a year under supervision as an adult. Oh, I could go to Thailand and get it done now, but I'm in no hurry." Looking over at her cousin, she tilted her head curiously. "Why?"

"Just fodder for fantasy, love." Faith admitted. "If I can't have you for real, I at least want to imagine you right when I'm..."

Blushing and turning away, Erica sighed. "Faith! I don't need to know that!"

"You asked!" Faith pointed out.

"Fair enough..." she admitted, "...but please, it's hard enough to control myself as it is without thinking of you..."

"...masturbating while thinking of you?" Faith finished her unspoken sentence seductively. "Honey, I've been doing that since I could!"

Erica took a deep breath again. "OK... so there's that. Anything else?"

Thinking for a moment she asked, "Have you ever... done the same thing? I mean, thought about me?"

Guiltily, Erica nodded. "A lot, actually. Probably more than I should have!"

"Is there a healthy amount of sexual fantasy to have about your cousin?"

"If there is, I bet Mamma would know!" Erica quipped. "But I sure won't be the one to ask her!"

"That's another thing." Faith noted. "Why are you calling her Mamma now instead of 'Aunt Heather'?"

Closing her eyes, Erica recounted the day she left. "From that moment on, she wasn't 'Aunt Heather' anymore. She was just 'Mamma'." Looking over at Faith she admitted, "I used to be so jealous of you! You were beautiful, happy..." Pausing a moment, she finally said the words. "...and a real girl with a real mother who was alive and not a figment of your imagination."

Standing up, Faith walked a distance away, her back to Erica and her hands in her back pockets. "I wasn't a very good daughter to her after she made you leave. I hated her so much for that! I don't know that I can fix the damage."

Rising and moving to Faith, Erica rested a hand lightly on Faith's shoulder. "You can! You know Mamma! She'll always forgive you!"

Shuddering at Erica's touch, she reached up and put her hand over Erica's, trapping it in place. She wanted to say something, and almost did, her mouth opening to speak, but knew no good would come of it, so she patted Erica's hand and slipped free of her touch. Walking over to her vanity chair, she sat and lowered her head.

Reaching a hand toward her, Erica smiled. "Come on. Let's go downstairs and talk it out."

Faith shook her head. "I... I can't face them. Not after admitting that I... I..."

"...that you love me?" Erica finished for her. "You said it yourself, it was hardly a secret." Moving closer, Erica still held her hand out. "Come on. You can't stay up here forever and there's no time like the present, right?"

Looking up at her smiling and devastatingly sexy cousin, Faith managed a false smile and took the offered hand. "I guess it's time to pay the piper." she said as she stood up.

Pulling Faith up into her arms, Erica held her warmly, affectionately, and longer than would be considered appropriate. Pulling back slightly, she looked into Faith's eyes. "One more for the road?" she offered, her smile genuine, warm, and inviting.

Leaning forward, desperate to feel Erica's lips on her own once more, Faith stopped herself. "I... I want to so much, but... if we did... I wouldn't be able to stop myself from wanting more, a lot more."

Sighing, Erica closed her eyes and looked down and away as she pulled back. "You're right. I guess I need to learn to check myself." Looking back to Faith, Erica asked, "Before we go down, can I ask what you think of April? I always wanted you to get to know her."

"She seems... nice." Faith lied. Really she hated the girl for being what she perceived as the biggest obstacle standing between her and Erica. She was certain that if April had never come back into Erica's life, she would have succumbed to their earlier passions and by now the two of them would have been basking in the afterglow of carnal bliss. She just couldn't ever tell Erica that.

Almost as though she could read Faith's mind, Erica laughed. "You know, if it wasn't for April coming into my life, I never would have come back."

Cocking her head in her typical way, Faith was surprised. "Really? Why?"

"April was the one that convinced me I needed to come back, that I had to see you all again and let you know that I was OK... and tell you all what you mean to me..." She paused and turned to look into Faith's eyes. "...and how much I love you."

Her cousin's eyes widened as she finally understood. "Did... did you tell April about... um... us? About 'the kiss' and my crush on you?"

Looking down, Erica nodded. "I had to. If she and I were to have any chance together, I needed to be completely honest with her." She looked back up into Faith's eyes. "No secrets."

Her cousin stepped back. "So... you came up here... and she knows how you feel about me... and me about you... and she was OK with that?"

"She loves me." Erica said simply.

Faith shook her head and looked away. "I don't know if I could have done that if I were in her place. I mean, I'd have been terrified that you would... that you might... give in."

Nodding, Erica grimaced. "I did. If you hadn't stopped me, I would have... well... I don't really know what I would have done... but we would have gone too far, for certain." she let out a sigh. "And now I'm going to have to tell her that, too. Well, later anyway."

Shaking her head vigorously, Faith tried to dissuade her. "No, Erica! Don't! She could leave you if you tell her!"

"She'll know the second she sees me, to be honest." Erica noted. "April could always see right through to the heart of me."

Faith started pacing the room. "Tell her I forced myself on you! Tell her... tell her you tried to stop me but I overpowered you and you only stopped..."

"Faith!" Erica interrupted. "I can't! Even if I could get away with it, I'd know I lied to her forever! It would taint everything between us from then on in the light of a lie! I'd spend the rest of my life in fear that she would learn the truth... that I... that I couldn't... resist you."

"Damn it, Erica! You have to! You have to tell her with such conviction that you believe it! Eventually it'll just become the truth! If you tell her you couldn't stop yourself, she'll never trust you around another woman again!"

Sighing, Erica ran her hand under her hair along the nape of her neck, massaging the muscles there. "I'm pretty sure she expected it. I think she wanted to see if you would stop it, which you did. She knows you're a special case for me... a once in a lifetime kind of love that I find irresistible. She knows I've never been tempted by anyone else, even when you two were both lost to me for what would seem to be the rest of our lives."

Sitting down again, Faith looked at Erica in a mild amount of awe. "You meant it when you said you've never... I mean... not even a one-night stand? Just for sex? Not even just to do it with someone?"

She shook her head slowly. "Not even a kiss."

Her cousin rose quickly, a look of hunger on her face. "Oh, God! Erica, that's so..." She leaned forward like she was about to move toward her, but stopped as a look crossed her face, almost as if Erica could see her thinking, What am I doing? Instead, Faith sighed and moved toward the door. "Sorry! Oh God, am I sorry! I... think it's time for us to go downstairs. You're right... I can't trust myself around you alone. It's too easy to give in to temptation."

"I think it's for the best." Erica nodded in agreement. She took a cleansing breath before opening her eyes and putting on a smile. "Shall we?"

As Faith opened the door, she turned and looked at Erica walking up behind her. "Erica? I... just want you to know... if... if you ever find yourself alone... I mean, if it doesn't work out with April, and... um... you need somebody..."

Smiling, Erica nodded quickly. "I know. And who knows, maybe someday I'll take you up on that offer!" Faith looked at her with longing, biting her lip as Erica winked at her seductively.

Shuddering, Faith quickly walked out of her room and out into the hallway. Taking a cleansing breath of her own, she heard Erica close the door behind her. "Alright, time to face the music." Looking over her shoulder, she smiled at Erica. "Together?"

Erica walked up beside her and took her hand. "Together!"

Link: Lost Faith Title Page and Description

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Following her cousin down the stairs, Erica reached the bottom and looked out into the living room to see her aunt talking with April; Cook and Franchesca listening from the couch while Fredrick stood by the dining room entryway impassively. She smiled at the sight of April and her aunt, the two talking freely and seeming to enjoy each other's company.

Faith walking ahead of her, she saw April look at her cousin, then into her own eyes. Shame burned in them and Erica watched April's face cloud over. Trying to say so much without a word, Erica subtly shook her head. Her oldest friend's expression changed to a mild confusion, then smiling back at something Heather said, returning to look at the woman once more.

Stopping a short distance from her mother, Faith waited for a pause in the conversation. "Mamma? I want to apologize. I had no right to blame you or... or to... to hate you for doing what you knew had to be done." She looked at Erica who nodded encouragingly. Turning once more to her mother, she smiled weakly. "Erica told me about the things she's done, things that would've never happened if she'd stayed here." She looked down ashamed. "I... I was selfish for wanting her to stay."

Heather regarded her daughter, then Erica. She had figured out in a short time of Erica's arrival from California that Faith had an unfamilial affection for her cousin. It had been why she eventually made them sleep in separate rooms and part of why she had talked herself into sending Erica away. Her greatest fear had always been that as they matured they would end up sleeping together. While she wasn't sure of the damage it would do to Erica's mental health, or Faith's, she knew it couldn't have helped. "It's alright, dear." she answered.

Standing up, April looked at the three of them nervously. "I think I'll make myself scarce so you can talk freely. I know family issues can be a little uncomfortable to discuss when a stranger's around, so I'll just see my..."

"No! Please stay!" Faith interrupted her. "In a way, you've always been a part of this family! You've always been a part of Erica's life. So much so, that sometimes I feel as if I knew you myself!" Faith walked slowly into the living room and sat next to her mother once more. "I swear! Erica could spend hours talking about you! It... it sometimes made me a little jealous that you were such a big part of her growing up."

Smiling sweetly, April still searched Faith's eyes to try and puzzle out what had happened upstairs. She'd heard yelling, then moving around, then yelling again, and then that terrible silence. She had listened with one ear while trying to listen to Heather with the other, doing a poor job at both. Finally, she had to just ignore what could be happening upstairs and focus on getting to know Erica's family.

It was easy to see what Erica had fallen in love with in this home. Heather's intellect was keen, but she wasn't a braggart or stuck up about it. The fact that she employed three people to cook and clean for her said she had been born to money, but she had a very down-to-earth feel about her, and the 'help' seemed more like extended family than just hired workers.

"I feel the same way about all of you!" April replied. "You were such a big influence on her life, I wish I could have moved here with her!"

Stepping in, Erica took a seat next to her. She felt her first love shift slightly away from her, just enough to look like she was 'making room'. "April really had a hard time with her folks after I was gone." she explained.

Her aunt nodded, seeing the mild tension between the two. "So I understood, sweetie. I still can't fathom why they felt it necessary to cut you two off from one another so harshly. It wasn't necessary and certainly was an unhealthy situation for you both."

"At first they told me that if we kept in touch it would have just drawn out the hurt." April explained. "In the end, when I was leaving home, they finally admitted the truth. They never liked Erica... or her mother. I know they didn't like the gold star in the front window of Erica's house. They complained about it a lot. I think they were also afraid that I'd end up a teen mother." Looking over at Erica who sat shyly beside her, she smiled. "Who knows? Maybe they were right!"

"Ha!" Franchesca scoffed. "I know my little Erica! She's always been a good girl... and she loved you even then!"

Bumping shoulders with her, Theresa added, "I think that's exactly what they were afraid of, dearie!"

Heather turned to her guest. "I don't know them, but I know people. It sounds as if they were very controlling... more than parents need be."

Only half listening, Erica looked over at Faith seeing a distant look in her eyes. Thoughts of what they might have done had Erica stayed ran through her head, certain that Faith was thinking the same thing. Blushing, she looked to her aunt. "Mamma? I assume the guest room is still available?"

"Why, sweetie!" her aunt blinked. "That's not a guest room anymore! That's your room, and it always will be, as far as I'm concerned."

She glanced at her watch and looked to April. "I know you're pretty tired. Why don't you take my old bed. I can be fine down here on the couch."

"No, E! This is your home! If anyone sleeps on the couch, it should be me!"

Faith was about to make a suggestion when her mother held up a hand to end the debate. "Enough! We're all adults here. Erica? You and April are perfectly welcome to share your room."

Fidgeting slightly, Erica explained as best as she could manage. "That's very understanding of you Mamma, but April and I have never... that is, we don't share..." Her voice trailed off, letting everyone figure out for themselves what she was getting at.

Looking at the two of them, Heather raised a brow. "Oh! I had just naturally assumed... oh, I am sorry! I didn't mean to make you feel awkward!" She turned to April. "When you told me that you had moved in with Erica, I..."

Smiling, April took Erica's hand. "It's perfectly fine, Mrs. Hargrave..."

"Please!" she asked. "Call me Heather!"

"Alright... Heather." April corrected herself. "I was just saying, you shouldn't feel bad. After all, our relationship is a bit weird! We're taking things slowly. OK, glacier-like!" she joked. "We've spent most of the last month living together, and we aren't even actually dating yet. We're both living in Erica's apartment, but we sleep in different rooms and I have my own bathroom."

Franchesca stood up. "You two are too young to even know what dating is! Take my word for it, you're dating! You're just doing it wrong!" At that she headed toward the stairs. "I'm going to run a duster around Erica's room and check the toiletries. You all carry on!"

"And I have a kitchen to clean." Theresa said rising. "Fred? You're helping!"

Fredrick raised an eyebrow. "Me? Help in the kitchen? My, what an auspicious day this is!"

As the two left the living room, Erica, Faith and Heather laughed. April could only look on confusedly.

"You have to understand," Erica explained through her laughter, "Cook doesn't let anyone touch anything in her kitchen! I once tried to rinse my own breakfast bowl and nearly got beaten with a wooden spoon!"

Faith's eyes widened. "Oh! And remember that time you got up early and tried to surprise her by making breakfast for her? God! I thought she was going to have a coronary!"

"So what happened?" April smiled at the cute stories. "Did you make a disaster or something?"

Giggling, Erica recalled the incident.

Moving down the stairs as silently as she could, Erica could barely see as the winter overcast had blocked even the moon and starlight. Reaching the bottom step, she turned and saw the faint glow filtering in from the living room windows.

Creeping into the kitchen, the girl turned on the light once the door had swung shut. Proud that she'd managed to get up, sneak downstairs, and make it to the kitchen unseen and unheard, she knew the rest would be a cinch. She'd settled on eggs over easy, bacon, and toast when she learned that it was Cook's favorite breakfast. Working quickly, she knew that Cook would get up and come down to spoil the surprise in less than an hour.

It had taken her three weeks to get a look in Cook's purse and read her ID to learn when her birthday was. Now it was here, January sixteenth, and Erica was going to do something nice for her.

Within twenty minutes, she had the bacon frying and the eggs cooking up nicely. Feeling smugly proud of herself, she had finally stopped paying attention to every creak and groan from the old house that had caused her to jump with fright, each one making her think Cook had caught her before she was ready. Turning around, she nearly dropped the spatula and gasped in fright. "Faith! What are you doing up!" Erica whispered.

"I got cold!" she muttered. "You were gone! What are you doing, anyway?"

Slowing her breath, Erica laughed quietly. "Today is Cook's birthday! I'm making her breakfast in bed!"

Grinning sleepily, Faith asked, "May I help?"

"Shhh!" Erica scowled. "You'll wake her up before I'm ready!"

"Sorry!" Faith whispered. "So, may I?"

"Sure, just watch the bacon while I get the milk out." Erica ordered.

Faith looked at the bacon. "What am I watching for?" she asked innocently.

Having learned to make eggs and bacon for her mom, Erica rolled her eyes and looked sideways at her cousin. "It's a good thing you're rich!" she remarked. "'Cuz otherwise when you grow up you'd starve!"

Crossing her arms, Faith glared at her. "It's not my fault! No one will teach me how to cook!"

Seeing she was upset, Erica sighed. "I'm sorry, Faith. Here! I'll teach you!" She spent the next five minutes explaining what she was doing and why. "See? It's not really that hard!"

"It's actually kinda fun!" Faith giggled. "I wish Cook would teach me! I'll bet she knows about a million recipes!"

When the eggs finally finished cooking just right, Erica carefully scooped the two onto the fine china plate. Putting two pieces of bacon next to them while Faith buttered the toast, she smiled. "I wish we had a flower to put on the tray."

"Why?" Faith asked.

Erica explained as she placed a glass of milk next to the tumbler of orange juice. "It's sort of tradition. When you take someone breakfast in bed, you're supposed to put a flower on the tray, sometimes in a tiny vase."

Getting an idea, Faith smiled. "I'll be right back!" she whispered as she put down the half-buttered toast and took off through the house.

"Faith! Quiet or she'll hear you!" Erica yelled with a whisper. Grumbling, she finished the toast Faith had abandoned and, after putting it on the tray, picked it up and started toward the kitchen door. "Great! Now that I can actually use her help, Faith isn't here!" she said to herself. Turning around, she backed into the door and pushed it open slowly with her behind.

Making her way through the dining room and then the living room approaching the stairs, Faith came dashing out of the library and nearly ran into her. "Careful!" Erica barked, wincing at her own loudness.

"I made this real quick!" Holding something out, Erica could see it was an origami rose.

"That's perfect, Faith!" Erica smiled. "Put it on the tray next to the plate!" After she did, Erica started slowly stepping toward the stairs.

"Let me go ahead of you." Faith insisted. "That way I can open her door!"

"Good idea!" she whispered. Erica had to admit, having Faith's help made things easier and a lot more fun. When Erica reached the top of the steps, she whispered, "Go down the hall and see if her door is still closed." Watching Faith silently jog ahead of her, she carefully walked down the long hallway. Noticing the tray was starting to get heavy and not wanting to drop it, Erica put it down in the middle of the hallway to rest her arms.

"Erica? She's still asleep!" Faith whispered as she came jogging back down the hall.

She stopped Faith just inches from stepping into the middle of the tray. "No!"

Faith looked down, barely able to see the tray in the middle of the floor. "What's it doing there?" she whispered.

"It got heavy!" Erica explained. "I needed to rest."

"Oh." Faith smiled. "May I carry it the rest of the way?"

"Oh, sure!" Erica grumbled. "I do all the work and then you take it across the finish line!"

"Hey! I made the flower!"

"And I cooked it and carried it all the way up here!"

"So? Just 'cuz you're weak and out of shape and you can't finish the job!"

While the two stood arguing at full volume, the lights in the hallway clicked on. Immediately they stopped talking as Cook came out to see what the commotion was. "What in the world..." She looked down at the two pre-teens and the tray behind them. "Alright." she demanded. "What's this?"

Erica looked down at the floor and fidgeted with her fingers. "It's um... breakfast for you?" she answered.

Smiling broadly, Faith shouted, "Happy Birthday!"

Theresa was flummoxed into speechlessness as Fredrick, Franchesca, and Heather all ran out into the hallway to find out what was going on.

Dancing in the hallway, Faith sang 'Happy Birthday' while Erica turned red. "I... I made you breakfast in bed. I wanted it to be a surprise!"

The family's cook was touched, until realization set in. "You mean you've been fiddling around in my kitchen? Without supervision? You could have burned the house down!" Her shouting caused Faith to stop singing before reaching the end of the song.

Tying her robe as she approached, Heather tried to defuse the situation. "Cook, I think Erica was just wanting to show how much she cares for you." Looking down at the rapidly growing girl, her heart ached at the sight, knowing that far too soon her fantasy would have to come to an end... one way or another. "Erica sweetie, how did you know what to do?"

She stammered out a reply. "I... I... used... I used to... make it for my mom."

"I made the flower for you, Cook." Faith noted shyly.

Her mother smiled. "That's nice, dear. It's a lovely flower!"

"I helped cook the bacon, too!"

Theresa blustered. "Your mother may have taught you how to cook, but she didn't teach you how to cook in my kitchen!" Looking down at the tray, she saw its contents. "Is that eggs?" she barked.

"Y-yes ma'am." Erica half smiled. "I... I know they're your f-favorite... eggs over easy!"

"Yes, but what am I to do about eggs now that you've used them? I needed those for the soufflé tomorrow!" Seeing hurt in the girl's eyes, her anger melted instantly. "I'm sorry, dearie. It was a lovely thought. Thank you!"

Picking up the tray, Erica offered it to her. "H-happy Birthday... Theresa."

Taking it, she smiled down at the girl. "That's Cook to you, dearie! Now if you'll all excuse me, I have a breakfast to go eat!"

Erica smiled while Theresa headed back towards her own room, thinking about going downstairs to clean up the breakfast dishes when she heard Cook call out from down the hallway.

"And don't you dare touch those dishes!"

The three laughed along with April as they finished telling the story.

Wiping a tear of laughter out of her eye, Erica composed herself. "I swear, right when she said that, I was just thinking of doing the dishes for her! It was eerie! Like she could read my mind or something!"

When at last the laughter died down, Heather stood slowly. "Well, I think this would be a good time to turn in. I'll leave the sleeping arrangements up to you three. You're old enough to figure something out." Turning to her niece, she hugged Erica tightly. "I'm so glad you came home, sweetie! We've all missed you... very much!"

Returning the embrace, she felt like she was a little girl all over again. "Thank you, Mamma. For everything."

Releasing her, Heather turned to April. "I'm so glad you found one another, my dear. It is truly wonderful to finally meet you!"

Blushing, April smiled and, unsure, extended a hand. "It's lovely meeting you, too... Heather. Thank you for taking care of Erica growing up."

Still full of guilt for having sent the daughter of her heart away and not adopting her as she felt she should have done, Heather wiped a tear from her eye. Pushing April's hand aside, she took the young woman into a gentle hug before silently turning to the daughter of her body. "Faith?"

"Mamma?" she replied. Tears threatening to break free again, she ran into her mother's arms. "I'm sorry, Mamma! So sorry! I... I love you!"

Her mother cried with her. "It's OK, dear! I understand! I love you, too."

Handing a tissue to each of them once they'd separated, Erica let them dry their eyes before saying, "Goodnight, Mamma." While her aunt headed up the stairs, Erica looked at April, then Faith. "Well, what are we going to do?"

"I'm sleeping here." April took charge. "You two can go to your rooms!"

"I... I have an idea, if you two aren't comfortable sharing a room yet." Faith offered. When the two looked to her, she turned to Erica's guest. "You and I could share my room, April. It's a king with lots of space."

"It's up to you." Erica said, looking at April.

Unsure, she looked at Faith suspiciously. "I get the feeling you just want to keep an eye on me to make sure I don't sneak into Erica's bed tonight."

Shaking her head, Faith swallowed hard. "A-actually, I was thinking it would be for you to keep an eye on me." She looked at Erica longingly. "So you know that I won't." Looking at April once more, she gave her a hesitant hug and stepped back. "I... I'll leave it up to you two. Goodnight." Faith left quickly without even giving her cousin a goodnight hug.

The two now left alone, Erica sighed. "Well, it's your call."

She looked at Erica and smiled. "I could always follow your aunt's advice and sleep with you!" She put her arms around Erica's neck.

Pulling her down to sit on the couch with her once more, Erica took a breath. "April, about earlier. I... I need to tell you what happened."

"What did happen up there?" April looked at her quizzically. "When you two came down, you both looked... um..." She stopped and just let Erica explain.

Taking April's hands in hers, she sighed. "She... she kissed me. Like a serious kiss." she closed her eyes. "Like a lover's kiss."

"I see." April answered. "And you let her?" When Erica simply nodded in reply, she probed further. "Did you kiss her back?"

"Yes." Erica replied ashamedly. "She stopped it from going too far, though."

"How far did it get?" she asked, half not wanting to hear the answer.

"Just kissing... but..." Erica stammered out the rest. "...I couldn't... I tried..."

Using a finger, April lifted Erica's gaze up and placed it on her love's lips to still her stammering reply. "You don't have to say it. I know. You couldn't stop. You didn't want to. And you didn't want her to stop, either. Did you?"

She shook her head and screwed up her face, trying to hold back the tears. "No! I failed you! I don't know how she can do this to me... make me forget everything! Make me forget you." She took another breath, slowing the flow of shameful tears. "She just makes me feel so... beautiful."

April ran her fingers through Erica's hair, sighing in exasperation. "We talked about this, E. You need to work this out with her. You can't move forward until you know what you really want." She leaned in and kissed Erica's cheek sweetly. "You know I love you, and I know you love me. I can wait. I've waited six years... what's a few more days?"

"April... I... I know what you're saying, but I know what I want." Erica looked into her lovely gray eyes. "Faith and I don't trust each other alone. We can't resist the temptation." Looking away, she began justifying their agreement. "Besides, what kind of future could we have? Never able to live the lives we would want together? It just... it wouldn't work! We've decided to just never be alone... never let temptation have a chance to make us do something we'd all regret."

"You can say that all you want E," April lectured, "but the heart wants what the heart wants. What are you going to do if circumstances force you two to be alone with one another? Run away? What happens when your aunt passes? You'll have to spend a lot of time with her going over the details. Are you just going to forsake that and let Faith deal with it? Alone?"

Shaking her head, she sighed and looked at Erica. "You need to resolve this. I'll be here 'til it's settled. If that's only as a friend, then that's what I'll be." Pulling Erica up to stand next to her and embrace her lovingly she added, "And if it's as something more... I'll happily be there for that, too!"

"I love you, April." Erica smiled. "Always have and always will."

"And I love you, Erica." April sighed. "Always have and always will!"

The two hugged and started up the stairs together. Looking around, Erica shook her head as they did. "God, it's so funny. I only lived here a year, and it's like I never left... like I've always lived here."

Snaking her arm around Erica's waist, April smiled. "From a certain point of view, Erica never lived anywhere else. She was born and grew up here."

"I'm really messed up, aren't I?" Erica laughed and put her arm around April's shoulder.

"Most definitely!" April quipped.

Reaching the top of the stairs, Erica saw their bags in front of her bedroom door. "So then... where are you going to sleep?"

She spiraled out of Erica's arm and walked backwards toward the bedroom. "Where I'm sleeping isn't the question. Where you're sleeping is." Nodding toward Erica's bedroom door, she smiled. "Come on! We'll take the bags in your room, unpack, and then figure things out!"

Following April into her old room, even as Erica stepped in, it was as though time had turned in on itself. The room was the same as the first day she'd arrived, not a single thing different or out of place. Entering and closing the door behind her, Erica pointed up at the gaslights along the wall. "Those are what I was telling you about! Real gaslights! I remember how scared I was that first night when the power went out! Then Fredrick went around and lit all the lamps and it was like turning back the clock a century!"

Opening her suitcase, April took the contents out and opened a drawer. "Um... honey? I think your aunt forgot something."

Walking over, she looked inside and almost died of embarrassment. "Oh, Lord!" She withdrew a pair of panties she'd worn when she was thirteen. "I wonder..." Erica walked over to the wardrobe and drew the doors open.

"Is this the way to Narnia?" April joked as she looked at the dresses, skirts, and blouses in Erica's wardrobe. "Wow! You had good taste at thirteen!"

Erica pulled down one of her old school uniforms and showed it to April. "I asked Mamma to get me these for home-school. I wore them every day! It made me feel proper and elegant, like the daughter of a wealthy aristocrat!"

Nodding in approval, April raised an eyebrow. "Well weren't you?"

"I suppose I was, in a way." Erica admitted. Returning the dress, she closed the wardrobe. "There should be room in my bottom drawer. I almost never used it." Moving back to the dresser, she opened the drawer and froze.

Reaching in, she pulled out Faith's nightgown, the same one she'd worn her first and last nights in her adopted home. Smelling it brought back a flood of memories. "I forgot. I put this in here that last morning. I... I guess no one's been in the drawers since." She smiled wistfully and set it aside. "Here... there's plenty of room."

Starting to put her clothes in the drawer along with Erica, April saw her reaction to the child's nightgown. "It's Faith's, isn't it?"

Without pausing in putting away her things, Erica nodded. "I borrowed it from her that first night. It's the first nightgown I ever wore."

She picked it up and sniffed it and suddenly could see the best friend she once knew. "It smells like you... I mean, like the old you I remember."

Nodding without looking at April, Erica finished unpacking. "I know." Standing up with a fresh nightgown and underwear in hand, she walked over to her toiletries bag and retrieved her toothbrush, paste, and mouthwash. "Did you want a shower before or after me?"

Shaking her head, April got out her flannel pajamas. "No, I'm bushed. I'll take mine in the morning."

"Breakfast is at seven." Erica noted with a shrug as she headed for the bathroom. "Plan accordingly."

"Seven!" April shouted. "What is this, a farm?"

Turning and leaning out of the bathroom door smiling at her, Erica shook her head. "No. It's an estate."

"Oh!" April responded snootily. "Well then, We guess We shall rise at six to shower ourselves and get properly attired to dine!"

"To break our fast, April." Erica joked back. "If you're going to poke fun, at least do it right!"

Twenty minutes later, Erica entered her room once more, hair wrapped in a towel and a terrycloth robe covering her nightgown. "April?"

"Yea?"

Flipping her head over, Erica rubbed her hair. "Could I get a hand?"

"Sure, babe." April replied, setting aside the book she was reading and padding over to the vanity, pausing to stare at it as Erica took a seat. "Wow! she exclaimed. "Just how rich is your aunt, hun?"

Erica tossed her towel into the bathroom, shrugging. "I actually don't know. Very, I guess. The only thing she ever told me was that she had more than she could ever spend and not to worry about it."

"I guess!" April noted, antiques being a hobby of hers. "Honey, this vanity is worth more than my car!"

Shrugging, Erica just brushed out her hair. "She had it since before I came to live here. It might be part of the house's original furniture. I really don't know, though. It might be a family heirloom. Her parents were wealthy, too."

Picking up the brush, April took over. "And she let a twelve year old use it?"

"It's not like I was carving my initials into everything!" Erica giggled. "I was a good girl!" She smiled at April's reflection in her old vanity where she'd first and last seen her mother's youthful reflection.

Switching to a heated curling brush, April mused. "So what did twelve-year-old you do for fun around here? I know there's no cell service and you didn't get your computer 'til you were thirteen."

"In the fall we went on hikes a lot." Erica answered as April brushed and dried her hair. "Once winter set in, we played in the snow and inside, mostly with Faith's toys until I got some of my own for Christmas. By the time spring got here, I was moved into this room and mostly entertained myself with books and writing my first stories. Then summer came and Faith, Mike, and I spent a lot of time playing outside." Erica sighed as she remembered how wonderful that last summer had been. "When I turned thirteen, I spent a lot of time on my computer... looking for you."

"Summer five years ago?" April rolled her eyes. "God! I think I was in my Goth stage then! Can't you just see me, dressed in all black, brooding about everything? I think even if you had seen a picture of me, you wouldn't have recognized it!"

"I bet you were still adorable, though!" Erica flirted. Turning to look in April's eyes, she sighed. "I tried so hard for so long to find you and reach out to you. I... I really needed you. I wanted you to tell me what to do. I knew I wanted to be a girl... I guess I always was inside and just never knew what it was, but I couldn't keep it up much longer. I... I wanted you to tell me... tell me what was the right thing to do."

April turned Erica back around and continued brushing. "If you had asked me then, I would have told you to go take a long walk off a short pier! I was so angry with you then. I thought you'd forgotten about me. It's what my parents kept telling me... that that's why you never called or wrote. Done!"

She stood and wrapped her arms around April's neck. "Thank you! And I could never forget you, even if it took me a lifetime to find you!"

"Aww! Aren't you so sweet!" Kissing Erica on the nose, April sighed. "Now I think you should go across the hall and see what's what."

Terror crept across Erica's face. "I... I can't! April! I don't want to! I... I want to stay here, and I want you to stay here... with me!" Seeing April about to object she added, "We don't have to do anything! Not even kiss! I just... I want to be near you." Looking down at her feet, she sighed wistfully. "Maybe wake up in each other's arms?"

She shook her head. "That sounds really nice, but you're just not ready, E."

"We can just leave!" Erica suggested. "Just... just go back to the apartment! Eventually I'll get over it!"

April laughed. "It's not a cold, Erica! It's love! You can't just 'get over it'! You have to face it... learn from it... understand what it really is... and then you'll know what to do. I won't need to tell you. You'll just know. Then I'll know what I need to do."

"Can't I just wait a few years? It's probably just hormones!"

"For six years, Erica? Through puberty... twice?"

She nodded in grudging acceptance. "Right. 'You can't run from trouble..."

"...there ain't no place that far!'" they recited together.

"Right!" April nodded. "Now go! I'm going to take my book downstairs and relax on the couch. I'll see you in the morning."

Untying her robe, Erica slipped it off and started for the bath to hang it up.

"Whoa!" April cried looking at Erica's white satin nightgown. "You going in dressed like that? She'll jump your bones before you can close the door! Hell, I might!"

Blushing, Erica looked at her nightgown. "Too much?"

"Put the robe back on!" April ordered. "Jeez! Slut!"

"Runaway!"

"Tranny!"

"Junky!"

"Hey! Low blow, E!"

Slipping back into her robe, Erica tied it closed. "You wanna talk about low blows, I need to tell you about Chet Mansfield sometime!"

April shook her head. "Somehow I get the feeling I won't like this story..."

"Depends on your point of view." Erica noted. Turning around to show herself she asked, "Better?"

"Much." April kissed her nose again. Turning serious, she said, "Now go talk to her. If you need me, you know where I'll be."

After April left, Erica walked around her room for several minutes gathering her courage. Steeling herself, she opened her door. Looking across the hallway at the door that used to be her own, she froze in fear for a moment before she forced herself onward.

Erica was determined to face Faith, stand strong for April's sake, and prove that no matter how much her body craved her cousin, her heart could conquer the desire with April's love.

Unfortunately, her heart was on desire's side.