CHAPTER 2
I hadn’t always lived in the rain, though. Mam and Dad were originally from Luton, of all places, and Dad was particularly scathing about the place.

“Enfys, love, if any god ever wanted to give this world an enema, that place is where he would stick the tube. Absolute shithole, it is. Only good thing about it is the M1 northbound slip road”

I had, in my younger days, asked why we were living in a quarry village in North Wales, and as I grew through and past my childhood, so did the story. As a junior school girl, it had been a simple tale.

“Well, your Mum and me, we love the outdoors”

“I know that, Dad!”

“Yeah, but the thing about Luton is that it is technically in the hills, the Chilterns, but boring ones. Me and your Mum met at a climbing club there”

“Oh, what sort of rock?”

He burst out laughing.

“Brick climbing wall in the Stopsley sports centre, that’s all. Really boring; we got told off once for quietly sneaking some of the mortar out of the brickwork to make it more fingery. Anyway, we could just about manage a day trip to The Peak on my old Suzuki, and then we got our first little van, an Astra, of course”

“Why ‘of course’, Dad?”

“Vauxhall and Bedford were based in Luton. About the biggest local employer, they were. Easiest make to get hold of round that way, so we got an old works van. That’s what brought us up this way. That and the weekend weather forecast”

“Uh?”

“We’d set off up the M1, and whoever wasn’t driving would check the forecast. If it was set fine, we’d stay on the motorway to Chesterfield, pitch up at North Lees and spend two days doing hard routes on grit. If it was looking like rain, we’d turn off after Watford Gap and whiz through Brum”

He burst out laughing every time he said that bit.

“Whiz through Brum. Yeah, right… anyway, through Telford and Shrewsbury, A5 all the way to Roger’s field or more often Gwern y Gof Uchaf. Tell you what, love: we used the hostels and the bunkhouses when we were doing it on the bike. Too much kit, both camping and climbing, which is why we got the van. Anyway, getting to the point, we got fed up with Luton, and your Mum found a place up here, and there you have it”

That story always came with a smile, and a few comments about never going back to Bedfordshire, and how glad they both were to have had me, and so on. It got to be a regular bedtime story, especially after he had explained what an enema actually consisted of, and each time he told his little bit of history, he would add a little extra treat, embellish it in some amusing way. I was treated to accounts of Mam falling asleep on the back of the bike, of having to launder panniers after finding a carton of milk had leaked everywhere, of hearing the gusts of storm-force winds as they roared through the Valley, seconds before they hit the tent.

It wasn’t until I was thirteen that Mam told me the truth, when I asked how they had picked the house we lived in. That brought a long sigh, and a study of the photos I had arranged on a shelf by my books.

“Your Dad’s told you some of it, hasn’t he?”

“Yeah, about deciding at Watford Gap and stuff? Weather forecast?”

“What has he said about Luton?”

“Um, he told me about enemas. Being the place god would stick the tube, if he wanted to give the world one, that is”

“Ha! That is him all over! Sort of says it all, really… Look, love, there’s a bit more to it, and I think you’re old enough to understand. You’re old enough to have started looking at boys differently, anyway. Enfys, there is only one person I love more than your father, and that is you, and it’s almost a dead heat, to be honest. I can’t imagine life without him, which is why I left him before you were born”

She stood up and tapped my shoulder.

“Budge over, love. This is best told with a cuddle”

I moved across the bed until I was hard against the wall, and Mam slipped onto it beside me, laying an arm over my shoulder, her smell as familiar as breathing, as comforting as daybreak.

“Your Dad worked in an office, love. Up in one of the streets behind the Town Hall, grim place. Tax office”

“Tax office? But you and Dad, you’re…”

“Gerlan hippies? Yeah, sort of, but he’d ended up there after the dole people had made him one of those offers you can’t turn down. He was okay, sort of, and that’s where he was when we met, jobwise. Still himself inside, though, and he could never hide that very well. Different person in the climbing club, at least I assume so. I only saw some of his colleagues, Christmas parties, that sort of thing”

She laughed, all of a sudden.

“Different to the other climbers as well, love! So much willy-waving---er, sorry. Perhaps not the best choice of words, but your Dad, he said to me, only ever do anything if you get something from it, like a job, or because you enjoy it. Doing it to beat someone down is wrong”

I felt her arms tighten for a second, so smiled up at her.

“That when you fell for him, Mam?”

“Oh yes. That fairly caught my attention. That and the tight shorts he was wearing”

“Mam!”

“You did ask, love! Anyway… Anyway, we had a couple of good friends in his office, and by ‘a couple’, I actually mean one. We bought a house on the edge of town, place called Sundon Park, and Mike, that was his name, another folkie, he would pop out at a weekend, sleep on the settee, and we would walk out to Sundon village, where there were a couple of proper pubs, rather than the lager factory near our house, or we would go out to Mike’s with some Karrimats and walk the field paths to the pubs in Cockernhoe, or just have a night in the folk club, and I would get to see the man I married again”

Another squeeze.

“Rest of his colleagues, they were of a kind, and the managers, dear god. I met them a couple of times, before we stopped going to their Christmas dinners. All of their conversation was the same, that willy-waving I mentioned. Who’s the top dog, who’s been the hardest this, the toughest that, and that has never been your Dad, never been my Pete. That’s why I left him”

She took a couple of slow breaths before continuing, and I wondered what the story was costing her in its telling.

“He had a new manager, or rather an old one that had come back from another place on promotion. Derek was his name, middle name Simon, and he was bipolar”

“What’s that?”

“Ah, it’s a mental health condition, love. Sometimes called manic-depressive. He’d be up and active one day, down and miserable the other. Dad’s colleagues called him ‘Doctor Derek and Mister Simes’. Thing is, both sides of his personality were vile. Fitted in sooooo well in that office, he did”

Another series of calming breaths.

“Feedback loop, love. The more that man beat down his staff, the more they ate each other, and I watched your Dad starting to crumble. Tried talking him into moving on, but he was so paranoid about mortgage and risk, well, I ended up without a choice. So I left him. I said I was going to find somewhere to live, somewhere better, somewhere that we could grow in, and once I was settled, he could either sell up and join me, or that would be it”

“You’d have dumped Dad?”

“If he had stayed there any longer, he would have ceased being the man I had married”

“It was that bad?”

I felt the first touch of her tears.

“Yes, love. That bad, I knew this place, we knew it. I started out doing TEFL at the University—No. I started out working a till at the big Asda in Bangor, till I managed to get the TEFL post. Teaching English as a Foreign Language. In Wales, yeah right. Started learning Welsh properly then. Got some digs, and once I was settled, and that took six months, I wrote to your Dad and reminded him of the choices he had”

Obviously, I knew the answer she had been given, as we were all together, but she suddenly started to giggle.

“He came back, did my man! Cheeky, sneaky sod that he can be. He put the house in Luton on the market, and he told absolutely nobody except Mike, and yes, that is your Uncle Mike in Sheffield, He ended up doing what we did, but solo. Anyway, there’s your Dad, and he finally gets the house sold, and once he’s cleared the place and exchanged contracts, and the sale is absolutely final, he’s been building up his TOIL— er, time off in lieu, love, extra hours worked -- he walks into Doctor Derek’s Office and puts his resignation letter down on the desk at a really, REALLY busy time of the year. ‘I quit’, he says, before pointing out that when he adds together his annual holiday allowance and that TOIL, it’s more than the required period of notice, so ‘Bye!’, he says, hands over all his work stuff, passes and so on, and just walks out”

My Dad? The gentlest man I had ever known?

“How did the boss take it?”

“That’s the point, love: Dad has never, ever been in touch with them again, apart from things like his P45, the official end-of-a-job paperwork, and old pay slips for the bank. This place came up, and cost us less than we got for the Luton house, so here we are. Bit of breathing room before your Dad got the bunkhouse running, and…”

She paused once more, then shook her head before standing up and moving toward my bedroom door.

“My darling, your Dad and me, we knew we wanted a child, and we got you, and that is something beyond any price, but we could never have done that to you, brought you into the world by way of that town. Anyway, living here, learning the language, has really improved my Sindarin and Quenya”

“Your what?”

“What on Earth do they teach at that school of yours? Elvish languages, of course. Now, I am going to make a cuppa. Want one?”

“Please”

“And I noticed you flinch when I spoke about looking at boys. Big thing, love, so I am not going to push. Just remember that I have actually been there, been a girl, so if you ever need to talk, I’m not so old I can’t remember what it was like. Now, fancy making some scones, or maybe melting moments?”

“Yes!”

“See you downstairs, then”

I left it for a minute or two before following her, as tried to work out how she would really react to a discussion about how I was looking at boys, for the simple reason that it wasn’t boys that my eyes were following.

CHAPTER 3
I followed her down the stairs, and as I entered the kitchen she showed me a book sitting on the work surface.

“First things first, love. Put that on the table for now, and you do NOT touch it with dirty hands! Get this lot baking, and then I will talk you through it, or at least the appendices. Now, scones of biscuits?”

“Can we do the scones? I like the crumbling bit”

“Okay, but… hang on… yes, got enough. Let’s push the boat out!”

It is odd, but while shortbread and scones are so utterly different, they both start, essentially, from the same fat and flour base. Mam and I each ended up with a respectable coating of flour, before the two mixtures were installed in a flan tin and on a baking sheet, and the two of us made sure we got rid of the excess flour. Before taking fresh cups of tea to the dining table, where Mam picked up the book, turning immediately to the end papers.

“Enfys, I know you looked at this when you were little, but I don’t think you really took it in. Now, see this writing? Two different alphabets? Well, it’s all actually in English, like a code, and the key is… Here. This will tell you about Sindarin, Quenya, loads of others”

“I remember the book”

“And I remember you saying how boring it was, apart from the maps! Anyway, it was a really big thing for people a bit older than me and your father. Bit before us, really, but I had a teacher, Miss Askey she was called, and she knew I loved fantasy, as well as language, and…”

She talked me through the alphabets, and I had a go at decoding some of the inscriptions, and of course Mam had to dig out some music to help the mood along. She chose a favourite of both of ours, an album of traditional Welsh folk by Siwsann George, and we sang along every now and again, Mam reminiscing about seeing her at the Luton folk club, and, as she always did, explaining how she and Dad had chosen my name from one of the songs Ms George had given to the world before her far-too-early death. Suddenly, Mam was giggling.

“We had another band, regular visitors love, and they were a Cajun band. From Brum, to be honest, but they were fun. You could have been called Sadie Cow, or Ellie Gaiter, or…”

It was at times like that when I truly saw how lucky I was in my family. We laughed and joked, and attempted to write silly stuff in whatever the alphabet was called, until our baking was done and warm scones met butter and jam. We did manage to save some of the shortbread for Dad. Pity about the scones.

Mam managed to squeeze my bike into the back of the van for her drive to work the next morning, and I locked it up before heading into the school proper. I was looking for friendly faces, trying to avoid unfriendly ones, and hoping to see one in particular. Boys featured slightly in group one, mainly in group two, and not at all in the final selection. I waved at Elen, pulled a silly face at Lisa, gave Ifor and Ioan two fingers, and then…

“Hiya, Alys. Got some stuff from home, Mam and me were baking yesterday. You like shortbread?”

She grinned, sheepishly.

“If I eat shortbread, I will end up like a barrage balloon”

Ifor Watkins called over, “Might grow some tits then, the wether!”

I turned to face him.

“Fuck off arsehole. I know what you did with your last pet wether, so you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you? Oh, and the one before that, and…”

“Fucking Gerlan hippy, you are! Not one of us!”

“No, I’m not. My parents had to get married to be related. Does your Dad know what you did with---”

Alys grabbed my forearm.

“Enough, Enfys. Ifor, go away”

He made a couple of rude gestures, but the other boys were heading in, and he was nothing without his little gang.

“Thank you, Enfys, but you don’t have to”

So many words were logjammed in my throat, but all I could squeeze out, instead of ‘I want to’, or even ‘I need to’, was “Well, he is a knob and he deserves it”, followed immediately by “I wouldn’t eat any of their lamb if I were you”

She just shook her head, but at least she was smiling.

“Come on. Registration, and I promise I’ll try some of the shortbread at dinner time”

She led the way to our first class room, where Mrs Preece was calling the register, which meant I had to bite my tongue once more.

Always the same sexism, where she called the girls first, and by their first names, followed by the boys, in order of their surnames. She didn’t call ‘Alys’, but she did call ‘Edwards’, with the boys. I watched her wilt, and I asked myself what punishment the Heddlu Gogledd Cymru would impose if I were to strangle Mrs Preece with her own poisonous and double-ended tongue.

It seemed ages before midday came long, but I spent the time revisiting Mam’s comments about looking at boys, and the more I walked back through our chat, or rather her passing comments, the more my adolescent soul demanded that I make a declaration. Teenage passion has never exactly been associated with patience, but it is never less than incendiary.

I had a favourite spot in the playground, sitting on a low wall, and I headed there, knowing that Alys was fully aware of my habits. I had the plastic box full of shortbread with me (sorry, Dad; some bribes are more important than others). She was there, though, appearing in front of me as I tried to write something in Mam’s bloody silly but addictive ‘elvish’.

“What’s that, then?”

“Elvish”

“What?”

“Tolkien. Mam showed me how the alphabet thing works, and I sort of… No! Don’t even think about jokes about him!””

“What are you, Enfys?”

That question came out of nowhere, a complete non-sequitur, like a hospital pass to a winger. My reply was all that could reasonably be expected.

“Sorry?”

“Bollocks. Got that shortbread?”

I dug the box out of my rucksack and broke off a couple of ‘petticoat tails’, passing her one as she settled onto the wall next to me.

“Not bad!”

“Oh, thank you so much!”

She nibbled away for a minute or two, one hand cupped beneath her chin to spare her blouse from greasy crumbs, then spoke again, head tilted just a little to the right.

“Question’s still there, Enfys”

She looked over towards the main building, clearly checking for anyone who might be able to hear her words, then turned back to me, the weakest of smiles doing its best for her.

“I know what I am, and I know what Ifor bloody Watkins and his mates are, because they advertise it so well. But what are you, apart from hyperactive?”

She widened her smile, trying to ease her words’ bite with a joke, then shook her head.

“Forget that for the moment. What am I?”

For a second, I nearly lost enough control for the words ‘The air I breathe’ to break out and ruin our friendship, but I managed.

“You’re a friend, I hope. I think… My best friend, ah?”

She flushed slightly, looking down at her knees for a moment, but there was a genuine smile there.

“Thank you. But you are avoiding the issue, Enfys”

“Of, shit, Alys! How many times? Yes, I remember how you were, but that was then, and I could see how wrong it was, and I want to bloody STRANGLE Mrs Preece for what she does every fucking day! Sorry”

She sat and waited, a crumb teasing me from the right side of her lower lip, and as always, I just had to speak to fill the silence between us.

“Look, girl…”

She twitched a little at that, but the flush darkened for a second.

“See that woman gets down the Cow, ah? The one my Dad’s mate Illtyd fancied till she threatened to cut his knob off?”

“You what?”

“Folk club, Alys. I know you’ve been there. Dad gave you the lift. The fiddler, red hair”

“Oh. Yes. But what has she got to do with anything?”

I sighed. This wasn’t going the way I needed it to.

“She’s a married woman. Before that, according to Dad, HE used to come to the club”

Alys’ eyes widened.

“Shit! You saying that she is…”

“Like you? If Dad isn’t making things up, yes. See what I am getting at now?”

“But she’s so…”

Sorted? Happy? With someone who loves her, just like…?

“Yes. Happy. Married to a man who seems really nice. Dad says that when she was still pretending, she was a miserable sod. Just like you were. When she’s about, and we are at the club, there’s no doubt about her. If she can do it, why not you?”

If she can see how someone loves her, why not you? My throat clenched with the need to say what I felt, declare my need, my love. I lacked the courage, though, as always. If only Alys would let me know which way her affections lay, but her transition had left no room to do so. In between Mrs Preece and her register games, and Ifor fucking Watkins and his simple black and white bigotry, what energy could she have for the most basic of human needs?

All I really knew, deeply, with absolute certainty, was that I loved her.

CHAPTER 4
It was one of two funny days we had in our pattern of lessons, where two hours of the afternoon were allocated to ‘special’ projects’, alternating week by week. The previous week had been set aside for the school orchestra, so I had spent it partly in trying to get a tune out of a harp, and partly trying to get the harp into tune. That afternoon’s ‘special’ was my alternate one, climbing. How could anyone live surrounded by rock, and not feel even the slightest of urges to try their hand on steeper ground?

Mr Lewis, our usual sports teacher, had a selection of places he liked to drag us up, largely depending on weather. If it was really wet, we would end up at the climbing wall in the Plas y Brenin centre. If it was mildly damp, and we had a small group, he would take us to what he called the Chapel Rocks on the Hafod road by Idwal youth hostel, and practise crack climbing. If it was set fair, it would be the clean slabs of Tryfan Fach, where we could get some real air under our feet and climb literally anywhere on the outcrop. The very best weather might see us on Clogwyn y Tarw or the Milestone, but we never used the Idwal Slabs themselves because of the descent.

I actually loved playing harp, even if it was the school’s old and slightly creaky one, and Dad had promised me one each birthday since I was ten, but it was the climbing I lived for. It did so many things for me, not just delivering the pure thrill of being more than a hundred feet from the ground, but in the concentration needed for the harder routes. While I was trying my best not to let that notional hundred feet reduce too quickly to zero feet, I didn’t have the time or the spare thinking power to worry about Ifor, Ioan and the rest. The attention to little details such as a ripple in the rock, or a few sharp=edged quartzite crystals, drove other thoughts out, and to my shame, that included dreaming about Alys.

That particular day was getting wetter, and so Mr Lewis drove us round the end of Cefn y Capel to the twin Mymbyr lakes, where we parked up outside the Centre. I wasn’t that keen on the place, to be honest, as it was rather boring, as well as being indoors, but it did get my heart going and seemed to be boosting my finger strength. Alys wasn’t a climber, although she played percussion in the orchestra, so once a fortnight, I lost two hours of her presence. I was addicted to the climbing, though, so I managed. I knew, each time, that she would be back in class with me the next day.

As always, I ended up pushing my bike part of the way home, because my legs were like jelly after the workout, and the heat of the shower I took once home had to be dialled down a little as my hands were almost raw from the friction. So many different sorts of ache, and not all of them physical.. There was one thing becoming clearer to me, though, along with something I had always felt: I did not want to leave my home, ever. If I could manage it, I wouldn’t join the young people abandoning the villages for the cities. This was home. The thing I was steadily realising was that I had a career opportunity staring me right in the face, and it started with the Brenin. Bangor Uni, an ‘adventure sports science’ degree, a year’s placement at the Brenin if I could sweet talk them into it, and simply stay living in the place I loved.

Ifor Watkins could piss off, though, as far away from Bethesda as he could manage, and take the other boys with him. I had my Eden, and I wanted no snakes there, of any kind.

I was reminded of that thought a week later, as Alys and I left our orchestra practice. The weather had warmed up a little, and for the first time that month, she was in a skirt. We were walking to the school gates with Sali Masters, giggling away in the traditional Way of the Teen Girl, and then Sali turned to Alys, looking a little nervous.

“Alys…”

“That’s me”

“Um… Girls… The other girls, yeah? They were wondering… look, Carol Charlton, her sister, ah? The one at college in England? In Brighton? They, well, Carol’s sister was, she was saying, they got a lecturer there, says all you lot…”

Alys stopped dead, fixing Sali with a glare.

“All you lot? All who lot?”

Sali started to stammer, then shook her head.

“Girls like you. Their lecturer says you’re all really poofters pretending, so you can trick, trap men for sex”

Alys started to come to a boil, and Sali waved her hands.

“No! Her lecturer, ah? And she also says you’re all really straight men, boys, so, well, can’t be both, can you?”

Alys seemed to calm slightly, and Sali rushed on.

“Yes. Rubbish, obviously, can’t be both at once, ah? Queer boys and straight boys, not possible… Alys?”

“That’s my name”

“Aye, even though Mrs Preece is a cow. Just some of the girls, ah? They… look, you’ve never perved in the bogs, have you? So the girls, they were… Shit. Not doing this right. Alys?”

“Still my name”

“Which way do you swing?”

That really caught my attention, obviously. Alys stared at Sali for a moment, then sighed and shook her head.

“Sali, love: let me put it this way”

She waved at her crotch.

“Didn’t really want to have to make it this clear, but, well, THAT, yes?”

Sali was nodding, cheeks turning as pink as Alys’ had in the playground, but my beloved was shaking her head.

“I never, ever, wanted that THING down there, girl. Why on Earth would I want anyone else’s?”

Sali sat open-mouthed for a few seconds, while my heart tried to explode out of my mouth. She was like me! My mind danced from argument to answer, from denial to hope. Why had she not said? Was I not her type? Did she prefer stocky women in dungarees and DMs? Did I need to buy a new wardrobe, or get a tattoo or something else. Maybe a piercing?

Before I could ask any questions, she changed the subject.

“What you doing next week, Enfys?”

“Eh?”

“Your Mam’s been onto my own, so if I’m spoiling a surprise, sorry, but your birthday?”

“Oh! That! No, nothing special, but it’s the folk club on, so we’ll probably end up there”

“That’s what my Mam said. As long as the club’s on, she says, we can go in, but still no drinking, course. How can you not know? You’ve had your head in the clouds for months, Enfys. Oh, see you, Sali!”

The other girl trotted off to her mother’s car, and after waving, Alys turned back to me, as I stood with my bike between the two of us as a barrier.

“What’s up, Enfys? You’ve been really weird all term, so I have to check. Sort of goes with my life, life of everyone like me. I thought you were my friend”

“I am!”

“yeah, I know, but I also know that people like me, we lose friends. Sometimes because people think we’re infectious or something. Sometimes because… well, sometimes it’s just ‘because’, aye?”

I found myself struggling to hold back tears, and she saw, reaching out and putting a hand to my forearm.

“If you want to finish things, Enfys, I understand”

“No!”

“Then, if you can, please tell me what’s up?”

I mumbled something about willies, and she stepped a little closer.

“Sorry. Didn’t catch that”

Deep breaths, girl.

“I said… I said you’re not the only one who doesn’t like willies”

Her mouth opened and closed a couple of times, her hand clutching at my forearm.

“But… I thought… Oh!”

My courage was rising, or merely my need to get things clear before it drained away.

“Yes. I fancy girls as well, like you do, but you’re the first person I’ve ever told, and…”

More deeper breaths, and an inspection of a chimney pot on one of the Coetmor Road terraces.

“And there’s a good reason you’re the first one”

Her head jerked as a car horn hooted.

“That’s… Oh, Enfys! Talk to me tonight, okay?”

“she was off, but not before I whispered, “Wear something nice next week”, and it was done. I knew, absolutely, that I had probably ruined everything that could ever have existed between us, and then, as she climbed into the passenger seat of her mother’s car, she beamed back the most wonderful smile I had ever seen her give.

That was enough to let me float up the hills on the way home. She had heard what I said, and she had smiled. Smiled at me, and it could only be a smile for me.

Neither Mam nor Dad were home, so I started my duties, peeling and chopping enough potatoes before dropping them into a pan for later boiling. We were having pork chops that evening, so I dusted three of them with some thyme and set them on a plate in the bottom of the fridge. Cut up some broccoli, ready to go into the steamer over the potato pan, then whiz through the little bit of English homework, easy as it was just reading one scene from Under Milk Wood. By the time I had stopped giggling at ‘Call me Dolores, like they do in the stories’, Mam was coming in the front door and I was turning the heat down on the pans as the pork cooked through.

She caught something in my expression as we hugged, and grinned at me.

“Someone looks happy! Ooh, and a blush as well. Don’t worry, love; not going to ask who he is. I can still remember being your age. Not that old yet!”

I found that little surge of courage had evaporated, and felt my cheeks really warming up, the smile I had given her flown away like a frightened bird. She spotted that as well, did my loving, sensitive mother, the same woman who had confessed to walking out on Dad rather than lose him.

“What’s up, love? I know it’s a big thing, first love, whatever, but I’m not going to grill you about it. All I want is that you be happy, happy and safe. Now, change of subject, that’ll be easier ground. Get your books off the table and get it set, and I’ll finish off the cooking. Dad’ll be on his way. We… we can talk later, but only if you want to, okay? And I think we will have a bottle of wine tonight. Anyway, need to talk about next week, so we can do that over the meal”

The front door banged again as Dad came in, and I busied myself with cloth, cutlery, place mats and glasses. Before long, we were sitting round our table, steaming mugs of tea in front of each of us along with chops, cheddar mash and vegetables. After I had cleared the dirty plates, Mam brought in a bottle of the dry Italian white she liked for Dad to do the Man Thing with a waiter’s friend corkscrew. Mam took a first sip, sighing with pleasure.

“What a day! Had to send two students home, we did”

Dad lifted his nose out of his glass, where he had been doing the wine expert thing with the smell of the wine, as he always did, while scrupulously avoiding ever spitting any back out.

“Oh? What for?”

“Bogus English tests, love. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“My job is to teach English to foreign people, but not from scratch. I get two problems, and one of them is when we get people with a visa that needs a language pass, usually English, but can be Welsh, of course. Sometimes, they get someone to take it for them, and sometimes the place that gives them a pass is dishonest. They can’t study when they’re like that, at least not at degree level”

“Oh. What’s the other problem?”

“Bane of my life, it is: cliques. Understandable, cause some of them are a long way from home, but they settle into language groups, and all they speak between them is their own one, which means they have to work twice as hard in lectures. We do what we can to help them use English more of the time, but it’s uphill work. One I had last year… I really think the only actual English he knew was ‘I am a student at Bangor University’. What a waste of an opportunity”

“What did you do with him?”

“Ah, he’s not stupid, love, just silly, or perhaps it’s his parents dreaming a bit too much. Anyway, we cut him out of the ‘sandwich’ part of the course, I booked him into a night class TEFL place, and one of his compatriots volunteered to interpret the lectures for him. I think he’s got the right attitude; we’ll just have to wait and see. Anyway, enough work talk. Next week?”

“Yeah. Alys said you’d spoken to her Mam”

“Yes. Dil at the Cow is happy to have a few of you there, as long as the club’s on. If that doesn’t suit, let us know and we’ll sort something out here. Which brings me onto that other thing”

My heart stopped for a second, dreading what the ‘other thing’ might be, but then it stuttered in relief as Mam continued.

“Elective subjects, Enfys. It’ll seem a long way off, but you need to make some choices about where you are going in life, and that will affect what subjects you need to do for GCSE. I know that look!”

I grinned at her, largely in relief.

“What look?”

“That ‘do keep up, oh aged mother woman’ look, that’s what look! What are you planning?”

“Well, been reading and looking up stuff, and your place has the right course, but I would need a placement. Adventure sports science, sandwich course. I thought I’d see if the Brenin could do me a year’s work for the placement bit”

Dad was chuckling, shaking his head gently at Mam.

“She’s your daughter, love. What else did you expect? Enfys, my darling, you have me sold on that one. If the Brenin can’t help, I can ask around some of the pro guides. There’ll be someone or somewhere. Now, I should know better than to ask, but have you perhaps printed off all the info, including the required entry qualifications?”

I just grinned again, and nodded. I jumped up from my seat, rushed up the stairs to collect my little file, and we finished the wine together while poring over the papers.

I was just settling down in bed when my mobile chirped at me as a text came in. It was from Alys.

Free to talk?

I quickly tapped in her number, and she picked up on the second ring.

“You in bed, Enfys?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Just settling down. Did you… Did you mean what I think you meant? About why I was the first one you told?”

“What did you think I meant, Alys?”

“That when you said you fancy girls, it was me you meant?”

“It’s… yes, Alys. Yes, it’s you”

She was silent for a little while, before almost whispering her next words.

“I’m not used to stuff like that, Enfys. Still learning about being a girl”

“You’ve always been a girl, Alys, That’s what you say”

“Yeah, but knowing it and living it, different things, ah?”

“Yes. Same for me, really”

“How?”

“Got to… I have to learn about stuff as well. How to be a… a lesbian, yeah?”

She was snuffling into her phone now, her voice breaking every so often.

“Going to hang up now, Enfys, but not being nasty. Just, just can’t talk properly. Just…”

There was the clear sound of a sob, then her last words as she cut the call.

“You wear something nice for me as well!”

As I reached across to set the phone on my bedside cabinet, there was a tap on my door, before it opened, Mam stepping inside and sitting on my bed. I found myself shaking with nerves, even though it was her, my mother, my Mam, and she set a calming hand on my shoulder.

“I wasn’t listening deliberately, love. You’re terrified, aren’t you?”

“I can’t help it, Mam!”

“I know, love. I know. All I am going to say is that it’s normal for girls to get crushes on other girls. Doesn’t always mean that they are gay”

“I think…”

“I know, love. And it might be true. Like that boy I mentioned earlier: he might get a good degree, but he’s started it with a lot of issues. Am I right? Was that Alys?”

I nodded, and her smile was still there.

“Your Dad was right, love. Definitely my daughter, making the hard choices”

“Sorry”

“My decision to come here was a bloody hard one, love. Was it the right one?”

“Of course!”

“Then just remember that I am your mother, and we both love you, me and your Dad. Being who you really are isn’t a choice. How you face up to it, that’s the choice. And always remember that you will never be alone, as long as we breathe. Family, eh?”

She bent over as she rose from my bed, planting a gentle kiss on my cheek.

“Sleep well, love”

CHAPTER 5
I didn’t sleep well, unsurprisingly, and was up well before either Mam or Dad. Mam was down a little while later, and as we worked through cereal and toast, Dad arrived. While Mam left the subject of the previous night’s confessional strictly alone, Dad’s occasional glance my way left no doubt in my mind that they had discussed me in their own bed. He said nothing about it, though, but the force of his hug as he left the house was as plain an answer as I could ask for.

I had my own worries, though, as this would be the first time I would see Alys after all but declaring I was in love with her. I had no idea what the proper approach was, what rules and etiquette would be in play. I had never been with anyone, ever, in any way. My understanding that there might be important reasons for getting close to someone had arrived at the same time as my realisation that my desires went across a boundary that I was frankly terrified of crossing. It felt even worse to me right then, as now my mother would be watching for signs, signals, who knew what. Then there was Alys herself: had I misread her response?

I could just about remember her as she had been, with that boy’s name and almost permanent stooping posture, as if expecting a slap to arrive, every minute of the day, junior school a hell of bullying and abuse. The boys, and many of the girls, might not actually have had any understanding of what a word like ‘queer’ really meant, but they knew it hurt, and that was all they needed. Alys-as-a-boy somehow made it to the age of eleven, and then disappeared. The first day we attended senior school, she was in a girl’s uniform, including a skirt, her hair having grown over the long summer break that she and her family had spent away from the Ogwen.

That day, of course, was also when the bullying had ramped up, including some nasty little games by some of the teachers. That didn’t seem to matter to Alys-as-a-girl, though, for the stoop was gone, and a smile had arrived, along with the eventual confession that the family had been staying in Manchester for the last month, where doctors had been Doing Things to her to ensure that ‘as-a-boy’ could take its leave.

I think that was when I first started to think about her in a different way, for that smile was so free and happy I wanted to see it every day. If I could help, if I could stand between her and the haters, it might help that smile to linger, and as I went through the next two years beside her, those hopes only got stronger. No, Mam: not a crush.

My mother dropped me and my bike off once more, with a knowing look as we spotted Alys’ mother driving off. Mam hugged me in farewell, whispered “Good luck, my love”, and was gone, as a visibly nervous young woman walked over to me.

With a quick look around for anyone who might overhear, Alys murmured “Not today, Enfys. Got Manchester tomorrow, lot to think about, and…”

She winced, then tried to smile.

“Big thing, ah? Got my doctor tomorrow, need to talk to him about stuff, and… Enfys?”

I tried one of her own jokes.

“That’s my name”

“Enfys… The doctor, yes? He’s one of the people who says whether or not I can be made legal, as me, as a girl. If I do the wrong thing, if he doesn’t like girl queers, if he thinks I’m like that thing Sali was saying that professor thinks?”

She caught herself just as she was starting to flow.

“No. Not today. See what he says, talk next week, okay? I mean, still talk today, just not about that. Sorry”

So it went that day, almost as it normally did, and we gathered as a group of girls at lunchtime, Sali sharing gossip about which girls had been rolling their skirts shorter to tease the new biology teacher, and Nea droning on about Harry Styles and some other boy band instant eye candy. One moment, though, delighted me. As Nea and Sali were rating young men on a scale of ten, Alys looked across to me, giving a slightly twisted smile together with a raised eyebrow, our secret safe between us while still being shared in a wat lifted my heart and my hopes.

I missed her over the weekend, which Dad must have worked out.

“Weather’s looking set fair for Sunday, love. Want to try some of that adventure stuff, the three of us?”

“Ooh yeah! Where?”

“I was thinking you might want to try a lead or two. You up for that? Nothing too serious, though, and I’d be soloing beside you. How does Pulpit or Direct sound, on the Milestone?”

I grinned at that.

“How about both? You sure about soloing Ivy Chimney? Or the Bivalve?”

“Lesson for you there, love. They’re both easy. Ish. Big holds, just a bit exposed, that’s all. Head games, love. You want to try some of the Peak stuff, on the grit. All friction and no gear, some of those routes. So, you’re up for it, then?”

“You sort the rack out for me?”

“Of course, love. Both routes have loads of gear, anyway”

That was settled then, and as he headed for the box room to start packing his crag bag, Dad turned back and grinned.

“Early birthday present, yeah?”

“For you or me, Dad?”

Another grin, and I tried to imagine him as he had been before Mam had broken him out of Luton. It was impossible.

We managed to find some space on the lake shore, and as we fastened on our sacks, Dad pointed to a small van parked on the other side of the road and called to Mam.

“Looks like they’ve got here early, love”

Mam laughed happily.

“They’ll have stuck the tent up and driven straight round here, this weather. Bet they haven’t even stopped for a cuppa!”

Dad was still chuckling as we crossed the A5 and started up the steep but short path to the Buttress. There were already ropes and gear-decked climbers on some of the routes, including a large group on Rowan. Dad led us straight past them to the foot of the slab below the Pulpit, where he tied Mam and me on, hanging a mixed collection of protection from my harness.

“Belay on the Pulpit top, love, and I will check your belay before you take Mam up. Then over the bush, through the square trench and belay. I’ll talk you through the Chimney when we’re there. You got a ground anchor, Penny?”

“Yup. Just sorting the belay plate… Done! Climb when ready, love”

I took a couple of deep breaths. The route was an easy one, but for the first time, I would be at the top of the rope rather than being under it. ‘Head games’, Dad had called it. I floated up the slab to the Pulpit, where Dad talked me through my belay, and I brought Mam up. She handed over the gear she had collected, and once again we went through the ritual call and response. The slab was a little steeper. And there was a slightly awkward move through what had once been a bush, Dad showed me a couple of decent nut placements as he soloed the moves a couple of feet to my right.

“Up there love, and through the square trench. Find an anchor, and I’ll follow once you’re settled”

It went smoothly, the slab not as steep, and by the time I was through the ‘square trench’, I was onto that odd sort of ground where you are still climbing; but feel as if you should be walking. I Found a couple of big cracks and clipped my harness to them as Dad fairly flew up the pitch to me. Some fiddling with the rope, and then I was able to call down to Mam. We worked the sequence of calls once more, and then she was beside me. Dad was pointing at my anchors.

“One thing to remember here, Enfys, is that you need a multi-directional anchor if you’re leading through. Watch how your Mam sets up hers”

I saw what he meant, and after another round of calls, I stepped over the gash at the foot of the Ivy Chimney, Dad at my shoulder.

“This is an easy bit, but there’s a trap at the top. Perfect Hex 12 placement—that big one--- but you need to use a four foot sling to extend it, or you’ll get really bad rope drag”

He was laughing, all of a sudden.

“Trap for me, love, in another way---it’s one of the very few decent hand jams round here! I never want to leave it”

I knew what was coming, and my courage was draining, but Dad squeezed my shoulder.

“I’ll be right beside you, love. Big holds; you just need to have the control to see them as they are”
Into the Chimney, then, as I had no real choice. It slants slightly to the right, so you are thrown a little off balance, but it’s still easy, right up to where you hit the roof formed by a huge capstone. I could see the hold Dad meant, but there was no way I could jam it without using both hands. It took the Hexcentric 12, though. He was right there, as promised, still chuckling.

“Number four Friend, joke is you can use it as a boat anchor. Hex 12, they say, you use it as an emergency shelter, crawl inside it. Now, see why you need the extension? You ready?”

“I think so”

“Then up into the window, and take a few seconds. Right… see those jugs above your head? And the chickenheads just below you?”

“Got them”

“Get hold of the jugs, step down with your right… now bring your left out… Yay! Well done! Move back, slip an anchor in, and I’ll be with you in a sec. Try threading a sling underneath you”

That window opens onto a vertical sheet of rock, and while it is exactly as Dad described, that sudden emergence from the claustrophobic Chimney is a courage wrecker. I was actually shaking as I sat on the rock, but Dad was as good as his word, and the smile was still there.

“Let’s get Mam up, and we can finish this one. You could let her lead through, if you want”

“No! Doing all of this, I am!”

We sorted better anchors, and Dad soloed the very short and easy finish to leave room at the stance for Mam, who arrived with a little bit of gasping.

“That bit always throws me, love. I’ll just clip this sling… climb when ready!”

Mam and I abseiled Little Gully to the easier ground, Dad bringing down the rope, and once we were back at the packs, he grinned at me yet again.

“Direct, then? After a cuppa, though!”

Out with the packs, and then his grin broadened as he looked straight past me, flask in hand.

“Hiya! We saw the van, and Penny said she bets you haven’t even had a cuppa. We packed spares”

I squirmed round, and it was the couple I had spoken of to Alys, the ginger fiddler and her husband. Dad switched to English.

“Hiya, Geoff! What bloody time did you set off?”

“Four this morning, don’t I know it. How’s the birthday girl?”

I was starting to smell a stitch-up.

“I’m fine. Just done my first multi-pitch lead”

Mr Woodruff gave a little cheer.

“Which route?”

“Pulpit and Ivy Chimney”

“Ha! You sure your Dad loves you? You’re a sadist, Keith! What’s her next? Direct?”

“We think so”

“Good choice. My dearest darling here wants to do Superdirect. Talked her out of Soapgut, it’s still seeping”

“What’s your plan for the week?”

“Got a 300 perm for midweek, but she fancies spending time at the Bus Stop and Tremadog. You’d like Tremadog, Enfys. Probably like the Bus Stop as well”

“What’s a 300 perm, Mr Woodruff?”

“Enfys, I think that with your birthday coming up, you can stop with the ‘Mister’. A 300 perm is a bike ride. 300 is the distance, in kilometres”

He went on to describe a set route, to be ridden while self-timing using things like garage and cashpoint receipts, but it was the distance that threw me. Three hundred kilometres. In one go.

He was mad. I already knew his wife was, but this took it to another level of gratuitous insanity. Dad gave my shoulder a squeeze once more, as the tea seemed to have evaporated.

“Come on, love. You up for Direct?”

I nodded, and he turned back to ‘Geoff’.

“Want me to check your tent while you’re doing the perm?”

“That would be good, ta. Better get this one moving, or she’ll be trying to drag me up Wrinkled Retainer, and she definitely can’t manage that one”

His wife called across us to him.

“Oy, Woodruff! A two person tent can suddenly become a solo when prospective occupants get cheeky!”

He laughed, and it was an easy and happy sound, just as I had described him to Alys.

“She’ll be rewriting The Pledge if I’m not careful! Sorry, love: one of her little jokes, about, um, sharing sleeping space: no snoring or farting. She’ll be adding ‘no criticism of climbing ability/ to that one”

His chuckle suddenly became a snort, and after a quick look at his wife’s blushing face, he turned back to me.

“She’s worked out what I’m thinking, Enfys. That right, Steph? Ooh, pink! Anyway, that pledge: we both live on curry and real ale, when we’re not working. Think about it. Where did you put the guide book, Steph?”

“Rolled it up in my cagtrousers, love”

I was getting lost again. Dad had been bad enough, using all sorts of odd names for the bits and pieces we had slipped into cracks, and I was still learning the knots, but what on Earth were ‘cagtrousers’? What else could I do but ask?

Geoff waved a lazy hand at his wife as he pulled a bundle out of her rucksack.

“Her term for waterproof overtrousers, love. From an old word for a waterproof jacket, cagoule. Being her, she takes it that bit further, so when it’s really muddy, they become ‘clagtrousers’. God alone knows what she does to your own language!”

It felt wonderful being treated as an equal by him, rather than a little girl, and I watched with fascination as Stephanie racked her gear ready for climbing. Dad tapped me on the shoulder once more, speaking to Geoff as he did.

“Enfys has to choose her O-level subjects, and she has already decided what she wants to go for after her A-levels. Sports science in Bangor”

I held a hand up.

“ADVENTURE sports science, Dad!”

Geoff roared at that.

“You and my missus separated at birth, love? Steph, if she’s going for that, want to explain your system?”

The tall woman nodded.

“All personal, it is, but this is what I do…”

She explained how she racked her runners as if they were a collection of giant key rings, with short extenders she called ‘quickdraws’ at her right hip.

“I can fiddle a bunch of wires around till I get one that fits, so they’re grouped by size. Quickdraw between the wire and the rope stops the nut lifting out of the crack. Remember that time at the Roaches, darling man?”

“Not likely to when you keep talking about it! Enfys, I was twenty feet up. One runner at ten feet, so if I fell off I was going to do a Desmond. Um, hit the ground. Desmond Dekker. Oh, never mind; you get the meaning. He was a musician. Anyway, it’s a steep slab, and there’s a technical move, so I stick in a wired nut, level with my chest. Safe, now; I start the move, and just as I am committed, halfway through, the bloody wire lifts out and slides down the rope to the bottom one. Nothing I could do but finish the move and hope not to mess it up. I finish, and get a runner in as quick as I can, and what does she do? Only calls up that she’ll make sure to find good homes for my bikes!”

Steph was laughing as happily as her husband.

“A ‘good home’ would have meant my home, but he was inconsiderate enough to be shorter than me. Wrong size bikes. Men, pah!”

Mam was almost in tears of laughter as the two bounced off each other, and then Steph rose and made her way to the start of my climb.

“Enfys, just a couple of tips. You can actually climb this slab anywhere, and it’s easier than the crack. Extend at the overlap, and look for the foothold—it’s really shiny. Don’t get your knee jammed at the next bit, and, well, just enjoy it!”

I did, and the buzz was amazing, Dad followed me up as before, and when we finally got home, he treated us all to a meal in the Tafarn Tryfan. I felt ten feet tall, and absolutely at the peak of maturity, a proper climber now on first name terms with other proper climbers, but I ended up so tired I nearly fell asleep in the bath.

No Alys at school on Monday, and when I rang her number, it went straight to the messaging service. It was the same throughout Tuesday.

Where was she? Had I scared her off?

CHAPTER 6
Alys was back at the school gates on the Wednesday morning, looking apprehensive as she spotted me. I locked my bike up carefully before walking across to her.

“What’s up?”

She did her usual trick of looking around for attentive ears, then shook her head.

“Nothing really. I mean nothing now. Sort of”

“Is it what I said the other night?”

“No! Yes. Sort of, again. Saw my doctor on Saturday. One of them. I have to see shrinks about who I am, and what they give me, there’s another doctor who takes loads of blood out of me. Lots of needles”

“You told me about that, about the anti-boy stuff”

“Blockers, you called them. What’s the problem there?”

She looked at her feet, a faint blush rising in her cheeks.

“I don’t want him to stop them, Enfys, cause I’d get all hairy and stuff, turn into a boy, and he only lets me have them if the shrink doctor says he can”

“Doesn’t he believe what you tell him?”

“Yeah, but. He has to see I’m a girl, It’s one reason I wear skirts most of the time”

She looked up, and there was a flash of a grin there.

“Yeah, and I tell him I like skirts, and no lying there, is it?”

“What’s the problem, then?”

Shwas once again staring at her feet, her voice so soft I had to strain to hear it.

“The shrink doctor has to really believe me, Enfys. Girls wear skirts and nail varnish. Girls want ponies. Girls… girls watch boys. Dream about them. If Doctor Coates finds out, he’ll stop everything!”

I had no choice but to ask the question.

“Finds out what, Alys?”

She looked up once again, but this time there was no grin, the hair blowing across her face doing little to hide the pink of her cheeks or the dampness of her eyes.

“Finds out I dream about you, Enfys”

She rushed on, closing down our conversation as sharply as a gale-slammed door.

“Come on. Mrs Preece, then this afternoon we’ve got the orchestra, and---”

Her hand flew to her mouth, as her eyes opened wide, and the faint flush turned into a full-on blush. He lowered her hand, her mouth working a couple of times, before her grin reappeared.

“What I nearly said!”

She turned away, scurrying off towards classes, and as I closed in, she whispered, “Nearly said I was looking forward to playing with you!”

Of course, that was exactly what she did, after I had struggled with the school harp’s tuning, and she made bad jokes of putting a tuning fork next to her cymbals and tapping them to see if they themselves were ringing at the right pitch. We had been with several other girls over lunch break, so it wasn’t until we were leaving that I was able to pick up the aborted conversation from the morning. Alys was far more upbeat than he had been on her arrival.

“Yeah, my endo says—that’s what they call the blood doctor---he says the blockers are doing their job, and if we keep on course, I might start getting the real stuff when I’m sixteen or seventeen. Can’t do it any younger”

“So you’ll, you know, grow…”

She looked down at her school jumper.

“I’ll do what Ifor is always telling ne to do? Grow a pair? Well, I did, but it’s another pair I’ll grow, different sort, fingers crossed!. You all set for Friday night?”

“Absolutely. You’ve cheered up since this morning”

The blush was back, but so was the grin.

“What I said about dreams, Enfys?”

“Yeah?”

“Nice to see I wasn’t dreaming about some things. There’s my Mam; see you tomorrow”

She was off and away, as I settled onto my bike. I was overflowing with relief, but mixed with it was resentment. Why was she being made to jump through hoops by some miserable old bigot of a doctor? Surely, if so many people could see the girl in front of them, why not him?

I added Doctor Coates to the list that included Ifor and Mrs Preece. Whatever they could do, however, didn’t matter: she dreamt about me.

My ride home was so much easier than it had been the previous week, but perhaps my singing could have been quieter.

Friday came along, and with it a flurry of cards from my classmates, Mrs Preece insisting that they sang a chorus of ‘Happy Birthday’, but it was the evening I was waiting for.

‘Wear something nice’. Alys had said, repeating my own words to her, but my wardrobe had never been that girly. I had some new jeans, though, and a really nice blouse Mam had bought me, so I put them on, spending time sorting my hair and adding a little bit of the make-up I hardly ever used. When I joined my parents for the ‘off’, I got a very knowing look from Mam, followed by a smile.

“All set, then? We’re going the long way round”

“There isn’t a long way round!”

“There is if we’re going by Little Willy’s girl. Picking up Steph’n’Geoff”

Dad snorted at that one.

“Like one of those carpet cleaner jingles, love!”

He started to sing, deliberately off-key.

“Just do the Steph’n’Geoff, it’ll clean your breath”

Mam threw a cushion at him, and he grinned.

“Do you think it was deliberate? Picking someone with a rhyming name?”

Mam laughed out loud.

“As deliberate as you and those tight climbing shorts of yours? Come on; got everything, Enfys? Can you put your coat and that into the boot to make room?”

It was already dark as we arrived at the Falls by Pont Pen y Benglog, the Woodruffs having walked along to the carpark, and once they had squeezed into the back seat, Mam set off back down the A5 to Bethesda, Mam finding a space out of the back of the Cow, which had its usual ‘Clwb Ffolc Heno’ sign on the footpath. Mr Harries, the landlord, waved at us as we entered, pointing to a table in a corner with a ‘reserved’ sign on it, and Dad’s mate Mr Conway, standing at the bar, grinned at the Woodruffs, Steph making a big thing about holding her husband’s hand but still grinning back. In return, Mr Conway—Illtyd, Dad called him---bought a round of drinks for the five of us.

“Sitting with you I am, so I have to be sensible, and I don’t do sensible, so it’s back to bribery and corruption! Happy birthday, love. Got a card for you, ah?”

It wasn’t a guest night for the club, just an open mike floor spot evening, but there were more than a few regulars dropping in, who finally, finally, included Alys and her parents. My ‘wear something nice’ instruction had borne much more substantial fruit than hers, and she was in a dark blue wraparound dress in some heavy material that draped really nicely, her hair loose over her shoulders. Once more, Mam gave me a knowing look, and to my horror, so did Alys’ mother, and I realised how much my love must share with her own family. I wanted to die at that point, right there in the pub, but there were cards to accept, along with hugs and best wishes, and then Mr Harries was at the microphone. Too late to run off.

“Croeso i bawb i ein noson ffolc, welcome everybody to another evening of folk at the Cow. Not a guest night tonight, but we have a solid collection of performers ready to help you build up a thirst, hint hint. There will be a raffle at the break, but none of the prizes are alcoholic, so you will have to rely on me to cover that side of things. Now, put your hands together for our first performer, and as it is Illtyd Conway, all doors and windows are locked to prevent escape. Illtyd! Over to you”

In fairness to Dad’s mate, he wasn’t bad, giving us ‘Ar Lan Y Mor’ followed by ‘Fflat Huw Puw’, which got people singing along, and he was followed by Dad, who gave us ‘Rolling Home’. Always a great chorus song. Alys’ own father played some fiddle tunes, and so the evening went, up to the break. Glasses refilled, not for the first time, as Mr Harries worked his way round the audience with an ice bucket and a couple of pads of raffle tickets. I stayed where I was, largely because someone had her hand on mine.

She had whispered to me in one of the gaps between songs, a simple question as to whether what she was wearing was adequately ‘nice’, and I just couldn’t find any sensible words in reply, largely because the fact of my hand being held by the person I loved left no room for rational thought. Things got worse when Mam hissed at me.

“Enfys! It’s you!”

I looked around in confusion.

“What’s me?”

She pointed at Mr Harries.

“Go and stand with him”

I wriggled reluctantly out from behind our table, suddenly feeling lost as I had to let go of another hand, and joined Mr Harries at the microphone, utterly confused at what he expected from me.

“Hiya, Enfys! Ladies and gentlemen, today is Enfys’ birthday. Can we have a quick round of…”

Once more, I was embarrassed by that song, and as the applause sounded, a cake was brought out to our table, but it came to me first so that I could blow out the candles, which was even more upsetting. There was more, though. Mr Harries still held my arm, smiling in a truly smug way.

“Now, Enfys is up for the next spot. Take it away, love!”

Before I could ask him what he expected me to do, he theatrically slapped his forehead.

“Idiot that I am! Illtyd, you got her pressie?”

Mr Conway came out of the door to the upper cellar room, and when I saw what he was carrying out, I nearly fainted. It wasn’t huge, it wasn’t an orchestral version with forty dozen pedals. It was simple; it was beautiful; it was a harp.

They set it up behind the mile, and someone pushed a stool my way, and I ran my fingers over the strings, hearing the tuning as I checked the pegs. It was what is sometimes called a ‘knee harp’, but it had tuning levers on the neck so that I could change keys, and… and it was mine, and everything about it may have been worn smooth, but it was MINE, and…

Mr Harries was talking, and I had missed everything that had followed the appearance of MY HARP, so I looked up at him while sounding a simple arpeggio. What to play?

I started with ‘Gwenith Gwyn’ to feel how she played, and that was lovely, so I sped up into ‘Lark in the Morning’, and then, as my courage started to fail, I looked up at the faces in front of me and gave them ‘Men of Harlech’ on the perfectly reasonable expectation that they would do their best to drown me out. The audience didn’t disappoint me.

There was a hard case for it as well, I found out as we left, but that had to follow Steph’n’Geoff, their own little set ending in a demand for Alys’ Dad and myself to join them. After a quick round of “Do you know…?”, we arrived at a set of tunes we all had in common, and off we went, bouncing through the music until ‘time’ was called at the bar. My cake had vanished somehow, but at least some of it had passed my lips, and there was enough room in the back of the car for My Harp, and Alys’ hand was warm on mine, and the evening was so wonderful I wanted to cry.

I had to move away from her as we said goodnight, but I had another surprise as we dropped the Woodruffs off at their campsite, Geoff asking my father a simple question.

“You know your way there, Keith?”

“I do. Not done anything there for ages, but I still know where to go. Will it be dry enough?”

“Ah, that place dries quickly, and it’s set fair for tomorrow, so we should be okay. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“Me and Hairy here only have a van, otherwise we’d pick you up. It’s your other birthday present tomorrow. Bit of a surprise, if you are up for one”

I had already worked out that they meant some place of other to go climbing, so I just smiled and nodded, and then made sure, once we were home, that my harp stood close enough to my bed that I could reach out and touch it through the night, just so that I could be sure it was real.

CHAPTER 7
I was up early that Saturday morning giving my harp a quick cuddle before pulling on my climbing tights and a T-shirt over a sports bra. I wasn’t big there, but it felt like part of the uniform: fit, outdoor-sporty woman, ready to brave whatever crag the Woodruffs had in mind. I was munching toast while packing my gaiters into a day sack when Dad arrived, and he shook his head.

“You won’t need them, love. No mud to worry about. Harness, rock boots, hat, helmet and jacket. You can manage in trainers for the walk in as well. Want some lunch making?”

“Please!”

He busied himself with loaf and ham as I set a flask to warm ready for filling with tea, and there was a knock on the door. I heard Mam answer it, and then, to my astonishment and delight, she brought Alys into the kitchen, not without a meaningful look at Dad. My friend was in outdoor kit herself, with her own small rucksack, and after Mam had poured out more tea, we all settled around the dining table.

My mother was straight to the point.

“Not going to preach, girls. Alys, we had a chat last night, your Mam and me, and she told me about what your shrink was saying”

My face must have betrayed my thoughts, for Mam turned her gaze onto me.

“What? Because we’re adults, we don’t have friends? Nansi was my first friend when I moved here. Still my best one. We talk. Anyway, yes, she has seen how you two are as well. As I said, I am not going to preach, just remind you that there are people out there who don’t see things like we do. You know that. So I am simply asking that you don’t be open about things too quickly. That’s it. So, part of today’s plan is to let you two have a bit of you-time. Dad will drop you both off, pick you up at five, and we’ll have a meal in Llanberis tonight. Mr and Mrs Woodruff will meet you at their crag. Got your chalk bag, love?”

“I only use that on the Brenin wall, Mam”

“Take it for today, love. You sure you won’t be bored, Alys?”

“Got my bins and my camera. Be plenty of stuff to see”

Dad started to laugh at that one.

“Oh, right, how did that go when we first met, Pen?”

Mam shook her head.

“Dad means ‘tight shorts’, girls. I hope you have other things in mind to watch, Alys”

I was coming to love how she blushed. We finished our tea, and I packed a large box of sandwiches, two flasks and a couple of bar towels Dad handed me, ‘For your boots’. He drove us by way of Llandygai over the higher ground towards Llanberis, turning off for Deiniolen and then Dinorwig, which we went straight through, passing below a steep hillside littered with slate mining waste. There was a long layby, surfaced with more of the broken slate, and a ladder stile over a wire fence, a familiar van already parked there. Dad helped us get our bags from the boot, then hugged each of us in turn.

“We’ll pick you up around five for a meal, girls. Just walk up there between the two fences, and that grey stuff is the crag. Long Red and her man will be up there already. Enjoy!”

I was a little apprehensive as we crunched our way along the path, but it was only about two hundred yards or less until we were spotted by the Woodruffs. Steph was as effusive as ever, hugging both of us in welcome, and then turning back to Alys.

“I’ll keep this in our language for now. Geoff doesn’t, okay? I am not being nasty, but I can tell how your life is going, love. I had a little chat with Penny, and I’ll be honest, it just confirms something I already knew”

“What is that, Mrs Woodruff?”

“How very, very lucky I have been. I mean, both of my shrinks ended up coming to my wedding! Anyway, out here, we’re all proper outdoorsy crag rats, so it’s Steph for me, Geoff for my man over there wondering where the flasks of tea have got to”

Alys laughed, and shook her head.

“I’m no crag rat!”

Steph grinned, in a slightly twisted way.

“Just pretend. And my evil plan to take over world climbing might still work! And yes, we do have our own flasks, and the stove is in the van if we need more”

We started with a round of the tea, Alys peering about for whatever wildlife she might spot, while I rewound what Steph had said, how she had chosen her words. There had been nothing there about ‘choices’, nor of ‘changes’, but a simple comment about how things were going. From the way Alys’ eyes were following the woman, I could tell that she had caught the phrase the way I had. Either that, or she was trying to spot the ‘man’ in the woman.

As we drank, Steph was pointing out features and routes, while I was taking in the steep-and-shininess of the rock. This was meant to be a treat? She indicated a slope of rubble rising up to the right, speaking English for Geoff’s benefit.

“Couple of easier routes up there, Enfys. We’ll start there, okay?”

“What do you mean ‘easy’? None of this looks easy!”

“Didn’t say ‘easy’, did I? First one is a Severe, sort of. Tech grade is 4a.

I echoed her words ‘sort of’, and she pointed out the bolts in the rock.

“No nuts or cams, just quickdraws for clipping the bolts. Sport climbing, not traditional. We’ll do a couple of trad routes later, if you like”

Alys was looking puzzled.

“4a? Severe?”

Geoff explained.

“The word describes the soul of the climb: how scary, now bad a fall would be. The tech, the number, is how difficult the hardest move is. A flight of stairs is 1a, a ladder might be 2a, depending. Goes up 1a, b, c, 2a, b, c and so on. Same tech if you do it from standing on the ground, or a mile up with no rope”

Steph was already hanging her quickdraws on her harness.

“Rock boots and harness on, love, and off we go. Don’t forget your chalk bag”

Up the rubble to a steep, grey, slippery slab.

“Jagged Face, Enfys. Low grade for slate, so there will be holds, and those holds will be very precise, very sharp. Edge your boots rather than smear them, and…”

She showed me an odd grip with her fingers, where she brought her thumb over the tips of the first three.

“Crimping. Small holds, but sharp ones?”

She quickly set me up with a ground anchor, and once everything was clipped together, looked at me with another grin.

“Ready?”

“No”

“Tough! Climbing”

As I had come to expect, she simply floated up the slab, aiming for one of the buts of shiny metal screwed right into the rock. A pause, a swift movement of her right hand, and a call of ‘Runner on!’, and she was off again. As per the usual sequence, I followed up, collecting her quickdraws as I went, and while it wasn’t easy, it was absorbing. More than that, it made sense. The route was well above anything I had ever managed before, but once my mind had worked out the way things worked, it made sense In a way climbing never had before that route.

It wasn’t about brute strength, it wasn’t about pulling on handles; it was a dance, my own body as my partner. I didn’t grab and pull, but rather glided from one spot to another, on a sweep of rock that offered no places for the nuts and cams Dad had lent me. I found myself wondering how the climb would feel without the rope, and when I finally arrived, all too soon, at Steph’s stance, I was grinning.

“So you do like this, then?”

I was nodding, stammering about purity and simplicity, while she just grinned back.

“Want to try something a bit harder, trad route?”

“How hard?”

“Not telling you!”

We bounced laughing down the rubble slope to where Geoff was chatting with Alys, and the latter grinned at me, joy in her eyes.

“Did Steph tell you that there’s only a bloody peregrine nest over there? And there’s a pair of chough!”

Geoff chuckled.

“Hairy and I have a few friends who like that sort of thing, love. We know a few places…”

There was a flicker in his expression, before his smile returned.

“How did she do, love?”

Steph cackled, theatrically.

“Cunning plan, take over world, etc, etc, Nyahaha!”

Geoff sighed, just as theatrically.

“Normal stuff, then? What you doing next?”

“Equinox, I think. Then Solstice”

“Okay. Alys and I will take a walk down towards the blast shelter; see what else is about. Serengeti later?”

Steph nodded, turning to look hard at me.

“I really think so, love”

All I will say about the next two climbs is that they were steep. The first finished with a very odd move, where I had to stick my right leg out level with my hip and do a sort of leaning away move, while the second had a really, really hard move that I scrabbled hard at, being lowered down on the rope three times, until I finally caught the hold at the top of the flake and then the foothold on its edge, and was able to stand and move up.

‘Serengeti’ involved a reasonably long walk into the main quarry, onto a plain of broken slate surrounding a single huge blade of slab. Steph squeezed my shoulder.

“Change of plan here, love. I am not climbing, and you will have two ropes. I’ll walk round and top-rope you, but you will carry a full rack of gear. What I want you to do is to place runners as you climb, and clip in the rope below you. Geoff will follow, collect the gear, and tell you how good it was. Sound good?”

The route, Seamstress, was a thin slanting crack, and as I climbed, I settled the smallest of wires into the spaces I found, remembering to extend them with quickdraws. The crux was a slight overlap, where there was the thinnest of steps up, but I managed to keep my cool, finishing the route before Geoff followed in a steady and methodical way that was worlds apart from Steph’s antigravity style. Lots of high-fiving followed, before we all skittered down the descent path to Alys. I was eager to find out how good my placements had been, and I needed the praise, because, well, in front of Alys.

Geoff was serious in his comments, but mostly positive. However…

“Just that Number Two Walnut at the overlap, Enfys. If somebody fell there, the pull is straight down, not back along the crack. That one would have lifted out. The rest were great”

Steph smiled at her husband, then turned to me.

“Enfys, what’s the hardest route you’ve done before today?”

“Um, V Diff, and 4b on the Brenin wall”

“Well… Jagged Face, 4a. Equinox, Very Severe 4c. Solstice, Hard Very Severe, 5a. Seamstress, another HVS, 4c, but you placed gear on it. How do you feel?”

I felt the quarry spinning around me.

“HVS? Five a?”

Geoff was looking at me, real affection in his eyes.

“Would you have tried them if we had told you what grade they were?”

Alys interrupted, and while she wasn’t a climber, her comment showed not only how well she had been listening, but how well she knew me.

“Enfys, if they had told you what grade those climbs were, would you have tried them?”

“Well…”

“Did you climb them?”

“Well, yes… Alys?”

“That’s my name”

“Thank you. And sorry for being so… for leaving you alone”

She looked at Geoff, and something passed between them, before she smiled back at me.

“Really? Peregrine nest, chough, really REALLY interesting way the plants are coming back here?”

A pause, a quick glance at our two friends, and then an arch look, as she held up her camera.

“Anyway, I remembered what your parents said about photography and tight shorts!”

We spent the rest of our time with me trying much harder routes on a top rope, and failing, Steph pointing out how I could now see how the hard stuff (E bloody 5!) worked as a problem.

“Before, you saw it as a blank wall. Now, you can see the route, see the sequence, see why you fell off. Got me?”

I just nodded, and we set off back to the Bus Stop, Alys…

We had only walked about twenty yards when she took my hand in hers, and it wasn’t like it had been in the Cow, for this was daylight, and out in the open, and my heart was in my mouth once again.

We had time to brew a fresh round of tea at the van before my parents arrived, and all that time, I had another hand in mine. Could life get any better?

Alys and I slipped into the back of our car, my hand still in hers, as Steph’n’Geoff loaded the kit into their van, and then we worked our way through the back roads to Llanberis, where I half expected us to park by the lake and walk over to Pete’s Eats. Instead, Dad continued through the town, pulling in at the Royal Victoria hotel. It wasn’t going to be a Big Jim or a burger, then. Mam showed how well she knew me, turning round in her seat to smile at both of us.

“Still birthday treat, love, but last one we have planned. Or would you have preferred a fry-up at Pete’s?”

Alys’ hand tightened a little on mine as she burst into laughter, then looked sidelong at me as she calmed again.

“I suspect Enfys will cope, take one for the team, that sort of thing!”

Another wave of laughter, and then, as the van pulled up alongside us, she let go of my hand, and of course I understood. Too public there, too risky. We walked over to the entrance, where Dad said the necessary, “Hyatt; we have a reservation, party of six?”

We were seated in a sort of conservatory, light and airy, and the food on offer was amazing. As Steph listed the routes we had climbed, and my parents oohed and aahed in appreciation, I found myself watching Geoff, and had a sudden moment of realisation: Apart from following me up Seamstress, and some top-roped silliness on an E6 on the Seamstress slab, he had done no climbing at all. The entire outing had been for my benefit, and I found myself becoming embarrassed, almost ashamed, at how I had monopolised his wife’s attention. There was a depth of love there that I found myself envying, and it was of a kind with the love for my father that Mam had shown in ‘leaving’ him. If I could find something like that in my future…

“Excuse me, don’t want to be rude”

It was our waitress, speaking directly to Steph, in Welsh.

“Could I ask---have you stayed here, in the hotel, I mean? Few years ago? I, um, I remember the hair. Sorry!”

Steph smiled back at her, and linked hands with her man.

“You’re not being rude, Miss. You’re absolutely right---we had our honeymoon here, and very nice it was too”

“Thank you! I didn’t want to intrude. He doesn’t speak the language, does he?”

“No, not more than a few words and phrases”

“Right. I did wonder, seeing as you were all, all the rest of you, were speaking it. You’re not local, are you? Hwntw?”

“Not really. Far West, I am, rather than South Walian. These are all locals, though”

“Then I shall switch. Courtesy, ah? Ladies and gentlemen, we have some specials on the dessert menu”

She handed out a few slips of paper, then smiled directly at Geoff.

“Welcome back, sir. I was doing breakfast duties when you last stayed here, and I remember you both. Are you likely to be staying here again, because if you do, we offer discounts for regular visitors”

Geoff chuckled.

“Hardly regular, with one stay, are we?”

The waitress grinned.

“We define ‘regular’ how we want, sir. The two of you left us all smiling when you were here before, and that is not something we get that often in our work”

Geoff reddened slightly, the depths of his very well concealed shyness clearing for a few seconds, and then he grinned back, and ordered Eton mess.

It seemed that life could get better.

CHAPTER 8
School was ‘back to normal’ on Monday, and more of a crash landing than a bumpy one. The time with Alys had been more than I had dreamt could happen, and the Woodruffs had taken my climbing to similarly exotic heights, but it was now back to the mundane, apart from one important exception: I had my school subjects to select.

We had spent more than a few hours looking at the on-line prospectus from Bangor, and the course I was hoping to join ran for four years, with the third year being what they called a placement. I had, of course, already decided to ask the Brenin if they could help out, but it was the other parts of the course that worried and confused me. While it included the obvious mountain-based skills, it also listed ‘water-based’ competency, camp cooking, and then a whole range of modules such as physiology, and one in particular that jumped out at me: adventure sport as therapy. I understood that in a small way already, for simply leaving the house for somewhere that went up rather more than the roads in Gerlan took my spirits in the same direction, but this looked to be a lot deeper, despite that confusion of directions. It was Dad who noticed me lingering over that one.

“Important idea, that is, love. One day… sod it, cuppa first. Bit heavy, this; easier with full hands”

He busied himself at the kettle, and was shortly back at the table with three steaming mugs, and I noticed Mam reach out for his hand. Dad took a sip, sighed, and began speaking, his voice soft.

“Years and years ago, Enfys, there weren’t so many famous climbers. I mean, everyone knew Joe and The Villain, Chris Bonington and Pete Livesey had been on the telly, and even Zoe Brown had done her bit, but there weren’t that many. Not unless you were a climber yourself. We all read the magazines, like ‘Climber’ and ‘High’, and they’d do articles on all sorts of incredible climbs. You’d see the same names, and sometimes they’d go on the lecture circuit, and you almost felt you knew them, personally. Almost part of the family. Then we had a couple of years… There were a few seasons where things went wrong, like that catastrophe on K2, and people died, and it felt personal, yeah? These people were living our dreams, the lives we were dying for, and that is exactly what had happened.

“There had been another set of deaths, not a really massive loss like on K2, when we lost Al Rouse and Julie Tullis, and Mam and me were out at Stanage, just one of our weekend breaks on the bike, stopping at Eyam Youth Hostel, and there we were at the Popular End. We’d done Froggatt the day before, so it was one of our climb-ourselves-knackered sessions before riding back to Luton, while your Mam tried not to fall asleep on the pillion”

He laughed, ruefully.

“We were both younger and sillier back then, love!. Anyway, there we were at Black Hawk, and we’d just done the variation, with that head-game balance move, and we were going to move on, do some of the stuff around Via Media or the Trinities, when we saw a group by Grotto Slab. Real beginners’ outing, love, all laughing and shrieking when they were lowered off. Just one woman there, though, just sitting, not climbing. Didn’t have that look about her, not the out-for-a-try sort. Wearing training shoes, not rock nor walking boots, so Mam being Mam, she pops along to say hello, and we’ve got three full flasks, so a shame not to share them, and we’re sitting there while the rest of her group are doing top-rope stuff, and first thing, I notice she’s staring off over the Plantation eyes somewhere else. ‘Beautiful here’, she says, and then I realise she’s on the edge of tears”

He took a sip, Mam watching as his own eyes watered, till he was ready to continue.

“Mam and me, we do the obvious, asking if she’s okay, and what it is, is that she’s lost her brother, and he was one of those people I was talking about. Not one of the really big names, but well-known enough to have had a mention in the press, and what she says is, well, she simply wanted to come and see what it was all about. Try and get a focus on what pulled her brother to the hills, what took him to the place that killed him. Then she found out that it was all wrong, her being in the middle of a group out for fun, and she just couldn’t. So Mam, being who she is, she looks down, says ‘What size feet you got, Tracy?’, and they’re of a size, so we get her kitted up, and I take her along to the Twin Cracks, where she does a Mod, then a couple of Diffs, and finally we bring her back to Black Hawk, and Mam takes her up the Chimney. We all sit at the top for a while, the grouse shouting at us, and she’s still looking out over to the West, towards Lose Hill and Castleton, and she says ‘Beautiful’, once again, and ‘Much prettier than Northampton’.

“So Mam says, ‘How did you find the climbing?’, and Tracy gives us a little smile, and says it’s not really for her, but then she follows that with ‘I think I’ve got a bit of an idea what he was feeling. Addictive, isn’t it’, so we both nod, and she says ‘I think I’ll avoid getting hooked, but thanks, you’ve really helped’, and then we are all off home, and, well, we never saw her again”

I found my heart in my mouth.

“You don’t think…”

Mam shook her head.

“No, love. That wasn’t the feeling we got. I really think she found what she was looking for, the ‘why’ of Danny’s death, and to be honest, I felt that she was able to start grieving properly. Healthily, that is. So, yes: adventure as therapy. Not a small thing, that”

We sat for a while in silence, till Dad gave us both a grin.

“I think I like your choice of course, love! Whose turn to cook tonight?”

Alys was suitably distant at school, which I was grateful for, as Ifor and the rest needed no more ammunition handed to them. I still got the smiles and the little jokes, though, and I noticed that she was steadily relaxing in our little girly midday group, although she was not one of those like Nea who seemed to find Mr Potter the Biology teacher to be more than fascinating. She did chip away, though, but without malice.

“Nea?”

“Yeah, Alys?”

“That is indeed my name. I thought you fancied Leigh Halfpenny?”

Nea looked puzzled at the question.

“I do! But he’s, well…”

She dropped her voice, checking for listeners.

“Alys, there are people you can fancy, from the telly and that, and you’ll never see them, not in real life, so you save them up, for, well, you know. Nice thoughts on your own, ah?”

Sali’s jaw dropped.

“Nea Parry! You are unbelievable!”

“Me? Not at all. Anyway, Mr Potter, he’s here. Him I can dream about with my eyes open. You’ll learn”

That, of course, led to more squealing, until Sali looked at Alys, and smiled in a much sadder way.

“Not for you, though, is he? Mr Potter, I mean?”

I kicked the side of her foot, and she pulled it back as best as she could manage.

“I mean, being, you know, must be hard finding a nice boy who, you know…”

Alys nodded, and I was flooded with relief that Sali hadn’t ploughed on with her revelations. My own love offered her own plasterwork to the crack that Sali had nearly opened.

“It is, Sal, it is, but, well… Look, I’m only just getting rid of the old life, old rubbish, WRONG life, yeah? Got a few more important things to get through before I worry about boys and stuff. Anyway, still young, aren’t we? Still time to see what’s coming. I mean…”

She leant forward, doing exactly the same checking-for-listeners as Nea had, before dropping the punchline.

“Ifor Watkins might grow up!”

Once the laughter had died down, she smiled at all of us, but her next words told me who that smile was really intended for.

“I really think there’ll be someone for me, some day. No hurry, aye? Except now, for Geography!”

Subtly, silently, as the other two scurried off to the lesson, she managed to give my hand a squeeze.

I settled on my O-level subjects in the end, and while they included the obvious compulsory ones such as English, Welsh and Maths, I added Biology (despite the stories about Mr Potter), Physics and Chemistry, together with Technology and Computer Science, plus French.

It was Alys who was puzzled at that last addition.

“I can see why the others, what with it being all physiology and tech stuff, but why Frog?”

“Not doing dressmaking, Alys”

She groaned at the dreadful pun.

“Frog as in amphibian and garlicky man in a beret, not ffrog as in dress, and you knew that! Why?”

I shrugged.

“Obvious, really. Lots of stuff to do in the Alps, and there it’s really a choice between French, German and Italian, and this school doesn’t do Italian, and if I do Chemistry, I can’t do German, cause it’s either-or yeah? What about you?”

“Well… not doing Physics or French, but I have got History and Geography. So…”

Her smile made my breath catch.

“So, apart from the last two, we should be together most of the time. Think of me… I’ll be your Mr Potter, if you’ll be mine”

CHAPTER 9
That was the pattern of my life. Despite Nea’s oblique hints about solitary night-time activities, I had no real grasp of what being a lover might involve. I just knew that Alys was the focus of my life, and I believed, or, in the small hours of the night (sorry, Nea) hoped, that she felt the same for me.

I didn’t imagine her undressed, I didn’t have fantasies about doing things that I didn’t quite understand, I didn’t even dream of snogging her half to death. My dreams were of smiles, snuggling together, holding hands, sharing whatever we did, and above all, being in each other’s eyes. It wasn’t even as hot as one of those Mills and Boon romances, for there were no burning eyes, no swooning, no bodices, neither ripped nor intact.

I just knew that she filled places in my soul that I had yet to understand fully. I loved her; that was all.

We worked our way through the rest of the term, the plans for the next school year set in stone, and as the days lengthened, I worked with my parents most evenings to make sure that the bunkhouse was in as fit a state as we could manage before the onslaught of Summer holidaymakers hit us. That sounds like some sort of sweatshop child abuse, but it was simply a time when we pulled together as a family. Mam and Dad worked when others didn’t, and relaxed when they could, but I was still tied to the school year. As we settled into the last fortnight of the school year, Mam surprised me.

“Nansi Edwards has an offer for you, love”

“Sorry?”

“They’re having a summer break. Can’t go abroad, though”

“Why not? Oh”

“Yes. Alys can’t get a passport, or she could, but, well, you know. They are going camping, touring in the Scottish Borders”

She snorted a laugh.

“Vic wants to go castle-spotting, as he always does, and I suspect Alys has been dropping hints”

“About me?”

Mam gave me a searching look, then smiled.

“No, not about that. Birds! Anyway, the Edwards have agreed to add a little surprise to the trip. Just for you. What do you think?”

“Camping?”

“They have a family tent. You’d need mat and bag. Oh, and your boots and harness”

“Why?”

“The little surprise, love. Saying no more. You up for this?”

“Oh yeah, but what about the bunkhouse?”

“We’ll cope. But the harp stays here, okay?”

I didn’t argue with any conviction, and I was in a daze for the rest of the week, but it didn’t stop me making list after list of what I would need on the trip. Where would we be eating? Would I need posh clothes? How bad would the midges be? Before I knew it, though, I was standing outside the house with a packed rucksack, a sleeping bag and a holdall, plus several carrier bags of food Mam had prepared for us. It was raining, of course, as we turned our backs on the hills and headed for the A55 along the coast. We ended up on a really flat and marshy-looking piece of land before we skirted Cheshire, as the rain lifted, and to my surprise, we didn’t turn north but stayed heading east.

We stopped for a break somewhere after we had crossed the M6, and I was still none the wiser about our immediate destination. Alys was smirking, her grin growing wider with each mile, so of course I had no option but to tickle her, which was made awkward by the fact that she had held my hand in hers most of the way from Bethesda.

Eventually, we came out on a long road, pretty straight, but running quite sharply uphill. There were two small hills sticking into low cloud, but what caught my eye was a mass of really odd rock formations to the left of the road. We turned onto a side road, and Mr Edwards called back over his shoulder to us.

“Ramshaw Rocks, girls. Not far to our first campsite. What do you think of it so far?”

I was astonished at some of the shapes.

“What rock is it?”

“Millstone grit. Remember your geography lessons? This is the western edge of the old cap. Faces to the East. Over by Sheffield, it faces to the West. Do they teach you nothing at that school?”

Not for the first time, I could see where Alys had got her sense of humour. We continued up the back road until we arrived at a farm campsite, and the harder work began. For Alys and myself, that was initially limited to holding poles or pulling on ropes, but eventually the tent was up and the work of laying out bedding, setting up tables, filling the water carrier and, most importantly, gathering milk from the little shop was complete. There were patches of blue sky towards the West, the low grey ceiling starting to life, and as we settled into camp chairs with a cuppa and some of Mam’s biscuits, Mrs Edwards was waving that the surrounding grassy moors.

“Haven’t been here for ages, but you need to keep an eye open for special wildlife”

Alys perked up at that one.

“What sort, Mam?”

“Kangaroos”

“Maaaam!”

Her father shook his head.

“No, Alys, she’s serious. Special place around here. Highest village in the UK is a few miles up there, and there’s feral wallabies living here. Bit to the West, and you’ve got the place those books you like were written”

“What? The Andre Norton ones?”

Nansi Edwards chuckled.

“No, love! The Alan Garner ones. Weirdstone? Moon of Gomrath?”

“Oh! How far?”

“Bit off our route, but we may… Right, here’s the plan. These couple of days are a surprise for Enfys. Once we’re done, we’ll be heading back for the Motorway up North, then ticking some dad-boxes by following the Roman Wall to Northumberland, where we have a few places to stop. If you ask really, really nicely, and agree to do all the dishes every day, we might drop by Cadellin’s place for you”

Alys frowned.

“ALL the dishes? EVERY day?”

“Not a problem. It’s why we brought your friend with us. Our holiday, not yours, girl”

It turned out that Nansi Edwards squeals loudly when tickled. I had to join in, and once we had caught our breath, Vic Edwards started talking about food.

“Pub down the road a bit, if you want something decent that Alys hasn’t cooked, though that’s the same thing, really”

“Daaaaad!”

“That’s who I am, yes”

My friend grunted in mock annoyance, but in the end, the pub was where we ate, a lovely old stone-built place called The Old Rock, although that name may had extra ‘Ye’ and ‘-e’ bits. The food was good, and the cloud continued to lift. I was amused to see that Mr Edwards had brought a number of resealable plastic jug/bottle things, and just before we left, he had them all filled at the bar.

It did seem a rather large quantity of beer for the two of them, but when we arrived back on site, it became clear. There was a very familiar van parked there, and two even more familiar people sitting outside our tent. It seemed my birthday treats hadn’t ended. There was a round of hugs and greetings, and then Steph asked the important question.

“Did you get the ale, Vic?”

We sat and gossiped well after sunset, the details of the holiday taking on flesh as the ale was appreciated, and it was even better than I had realised. Apparently, the two hills I had seen disappearing into cloud were famous climbing areas, and three of us would be spending a couple of days on one called The Roaches so that I could see how I liked gritstone. The other three would spend the time walking the moorlands, probably trying to spot wallabies, before The Woodruffs headed home and our party went by way of a place called Alderley to Carlisle. We would then drive some of the Roman Wall, camp in the valley, visit a nearby castle, see more of the Wall, castles, coastline, beaches---and a boat trip for seals and birds. It sounded amazing, far more so than the initial description of touring the Scottish Borders to see some old buildings, and I asked myself how long our parents had been planning all of it, and when they had involved the Woodruffs, and on and on in my mind questions tumbled over each other.

What was clear, as clear as Mam’s declaration of love-by-action to my father had been, was how much the two of them loved me. This wasn’t in response to a pivotal birthday, no coming of age gift, as I was still, in reality, a child. Rather, it recognised me as a person, and I could see the logic: let her see what is out there, in terms of her interests. Let her see if she is really committed to the outdoors. Let her have options while still young enough to change them.

How on Earth had they gained such wisdom?

That night, Alys and I lay in our bags in one of the sleeping sections of the tent, and I don’t know who made the move, but I ended up snuggled against her, my head on her chest and one of her arms around me, and my world was at greater peace than it had ever been. I wanted to say so much, but in the end, I settled for less frightening subjects.

“What are these books your Mam was talking about?”

“Oh, a couple of books about a brother and sister. Wizards, goblins, that sort of stuff. Second one’s a bit scary in places. Wizard, in a secret cave in the rocks, with King Arthur and his knights asleep there”

“I thought they were sleeping in a cave halfway up Lliwedd?”

“Try taking a horse five hundred feet up a cliff, girl! Anyway, there are a lot of places---there are maps in the books, ah? Mam says we can spend a bit of time looking at them. Remember Mister Lisle, from junior school? Used to read us a chapter every day for English?”

“Oh! I’d forgotten about that! Same book?”

“That’s the one. I found them on the net a year ago, got them on my Kindle”

“I can just about remember them now. What was the other one, the Norton or whatever?”

She shuffled a bit in her bag, pulling her shoulder free so that we were lying on our sides, face to face, and then she simply kissed me, and everything went away for a little while apart from the gleam of her eyes.

She pulled back again, and I could see the shadows in her face move as she smiled.

“Wanted to do that for ages, Enfys, but… no more just now, ah? I promised Mam… Anyway, done it, at last. The other books…”

She reached out to stroke my cheek, tucking strands of hair behind my ear.

“Couple of books by an American woman, lots of them with animals in. Andre Norton. I got hooked on one about a man with a dappled pony with a lovely name”

I laughed as softly as I could manage.

“Girls and ponies?”

Once more, I caught the smile.

“Maybe. The name was ‘rain on Dust’, to describe a dapple grey. I thought it was perfect. And the main character had meerkats as friends, so definitely a winner with me. I read the Beast Master, and then I found another couple by her”

“Hang on; isn’t Andre a man’s name?”

“Yes indeed. She was writing science fiction at a time when women---fifties, nineteen sixties? Women often pretended to be men. I like another writer, a bit newer, called herself James Tiptree. Bit of a meaning in there; tell you the punchline later”

“There’s more. The other books?”

“Yeah. Set on a planet called Janus. It’s actually really heavy stuff, and it was in the children’s section at the library when I saw it”

“What do you mean by it being heavy stuff?”

She drew a slow breath.

“You know, I missed that bit when I first read it? Not till I went back a couple of years later. The hero… The hero kills his own mother”

I was lost for words, but she filled the space.

“Not how that sounds. She’s terminally ill, so he buys her an overdose of a real happy dreams drug, so that she… He knows it will kill her, but that’s better than watching her die in pain. Gets the money by sort of selling himself into slavery”

“That’s a kids’ book? Really?”

“That’s where they had it racked, Enfys. It’s the rest that’s the attractive bit. Quick summary: alien planet, disappeared native race, special jewels hidden by them. Find one, and you turn into a sort of elf. Matched my dreams, that did. Find the magic key, or token, or spell, and be able to turn into me, everything fixed in an instant. See the attraction?”

“Oh yes! You said there’s a punchline, though”

She kissed me again.

“Turn round so I can spoon”

I rolled over, as wrapped me up once more in her arms, her whisper in my ear.

“Norton was called Norton, Tiptree was really Sheldon. Both of them were called Alice. Night, love”

CHAPTER 10
We spent a boring time indeed on the M6 as far as Carlisle, and Alys and I ended up falling asleep together in the back seat. I woke up with a mouthful of her hair, which was even further from that Mills and Boon idea than ever. Joy.

Yes, actually: joy. Perhaps not the shouting and grinning sort, but a deep warmth that I felt in my bones. Breathing the same air, next to her, that was enough, even if it meant inhaling her hair.

We skirted the city and headed east along a series of progressively quieter roads Mr Edwards getting more and more vocal in his description of the Roman fortifications, until Alys loudly interrupted.

“Enfys?”

“Yes? Um, that’s my name”

“Did you know that Dad was a twitcher?”

I had already picked up the term from her, the concept of a list-ticker rather than a lover of birds and nature, so I raised my eyebrows in puzzlement. She grimaced.

“There’s a castle in Carlisle. We won’t be going that way because Dad has already seen it. Twitcher!”

He called back over his shoulder.

“Guilty, but not guilty”

“Sorry not sorry, Dad?”

“We have a booking at the next site. It’s in woodland. I am told there are woodpeckers and warblers. Your call: do we stop in the middle of a city to see MY passion, or do you get yours?”

Alys was still playing.

“This campsite: is it near a castle you HAVEN’T seen, by any chance?”

Mrs Edwards was giggling like a teenager.

“Vic, we have created a monster! Yes, love, a place called Langley, but Dad has something else he wants to see first”

That ‘something’ turned out to be a stone viaduct that crossed a small rock-strewn river, and I will admit that it was absolutely lovely. There was a footbridge across the water just downstream from the stone arches, and for once my phone and my camera filled up with shots that didn’t involve climbing. The place was absolutely gorgeous, and when we arrived at the campsite, it was just as lovely, set by the same river, but with a wonderful huddle of old forest nearby. Alys was entranced, and every call, every song, resulted in a smile and the phrase “That’s a…”

Our stay in kangaroo country had included two days with the Woodruffs, as Alys and her parents had found their own activities. To be honest, and to my shame, what Steph’n’Geoff showed me pushed everything to the back of my mind, including Alys.

The rock was so different to that at home, and the default angle was as steep as the slate had been. We warmed up with a few short solos, and then moved to a complex area with a massive overhang at the top. Steph indicated a crack cutting through its lip.

“That’s a Villain route, Sloth”

“My parents mentioned him”

“The stone cottage we passed is his memorial, love. He was a thug”

She translated for Geoff’s benefit, and he laughed.

“Bloody right he was, both senses! What we doing, love?”

“Um, Right Route, Black Velvet, Tech Slab, then along to Maud’s?”

“That the one with the out-there finish?”

“Yup. The one they chipped”

“Idiots!”

I didn’t recognise the English term, so I asked Steph what her husband had meant.

“Ah, it’s what some morons think is clever. They can’t get up a route, so rather than go away and work, practise, they get a hammer and a chisel and they make some new holds”

“No! What’s the point?”

“I can only guess it’s some sort of ego-boost. I did read somewhere, can’t remember exactly, someone justifying it. Said it lets people climb something that would be impossible otherwise”

Geoff snorted.

“Enfys, long story, but before we met, I was only doing the really easy stuff. Hairy here showed me I could climb a lot harder, but neither of us will ever be really top-level”

He got a snort back followed by “Speak for yourself!”, but with a grin.

“No, love. You know what I mean! Enfys, it’s like that time on the slate. As you push yourself, you still can’t get up the really hard routes, but now you can see how they work, the mechanics of them, the sequences. And you can dream. Chippers, well, they don’t have that joy in them. No dreams”

Steph gave his hand a squeeze.

“Let’s get some routes done, then chat, okay? You won’t need the chalk bag”

We rattled through the routes, which were all well-chosen, as I should have expected from the Woodruffs, and the grades ranged from V Diff to Hard Severe 4b. The rock was wonderfully rough, and the more I climbed, the more my idea of what constituted a hold altered. It was the opposite of slate, in the fact that I could rely on friction rather than sharp edges, and I loved it.

We arrived at a route called Maud’s Garden, a soft Severe, and Steph smiled at me.

“Want to lead this one? Up the slab to the cave, squirm up the chimney, then come round onto the front of the overhang. Easy climbing, but sensational position!”

I couldn’t resist, and as usual, she followed me up to give advice on runner placement, as Geoff belayed me. The finish was stunning, a traverse round a corner onto a massive overhanging block, holds like a stack of dinnerplates and what seemed like a mile of fresh air under my heels. I topped out and took a seat, hands shaking, while Steph brought up her husband. As she managed the rope, she spoke over her shoulder.

“Someone chipped this one, Enfys, years ago”

“What on Earth for? At this grade, I mean!”

“Part of today’s lessons, love. It’s not just what my darling here said, about dreams. In short, some people want more than they can fairly get. Some are just selfish. Reach past, Geoff. Let me know when you’re safe”

We sorted out the belay and the gear, my hands feeling a little tender from the abrasion of the rough rock, and then Geoff pulled a couple of flasks from the rucksack he had worn as he climbed. Tea steamed in three mugs, and we sat together on the top of the crag, the steep lump they told me was called Hen Cloud hulking to the South East. Steph sipped her tea, then looked directly at me.

“Your parents said I should have a word with you, Enfys. Sorry”

My heart almost stopped.

“What for? I mean, what about?”

A couple of seconds later, the words came.

“About Alys?”

She nodded, her face almost unreadable, but there was just a hint of sadness there.

“Yes, love. I just hope… Look, not trying to be all ‘I’m an adult, you’re a kid’, but at your age, passions are fleeting. Sometimes, that is. Sometimes, they last”

We were speaking in Welsh, and Geoff was doing his best to look uninterested.

“How was it for you?”

She smiled, and shook her head.

“Enfys, that is part of what they wanted me to talk about. Not just you, though”

She stared out over the hillside that dropped away towards a distant lake, her eyes and voice just as far away.

“I was lost, you know. Then I was found,,,”

She snapped back to the there and then, waving a hand at her husband, and smiling at me.

“You know what I am, love. Am I right?”

I felt myself blushing.

“Um, you mean, like Alys is, yeah”

“Like Alys is, but I left things a lot later in my life. Got lucky, met the right people, found the right person to love. I waited, though, or I hid. Doesn’t matter which one; it’s all the same in the end. Alys is luckier than I am, because she’s got her family with her already, and she’s getting the right medical help early. I never had that”

Once again, she looked off into the space before us.

“Thing is, I was also lucky, because I was an adult, and I could deal with the nastiness directly. Still hurt, but I scared people. I had a reputation”

She switched to English, calling to Geoff over her shoulder.

“How would you describe me on the rugby pitch, love?”

He laughed, shaking his head.

“Enfys, bloody terrifying! They called her ‘Psycho’, at least when they were being polite”

She nodded her thanks, turning back to me.

“I don’t do that sort of thing much these days”

I found myself chuckling.

“Dad says you threatened to cut Mr Conway’s willy off”

She grinned at me, happily.

“Ah, Illtyd’s okay. He just needed some boundaries setting! Anyway, that’s sort of my point. Alys is going to get some really nasty stuff as she gets older, or at least it is almost certain she will. I suppose that what I’m saying is…”

The smile dropped away.

“You may or may not keep the same feelings for her. People change quickly in their teens. All I am asking, all your Mam is hoping, is that even if the being in love fades away, the friendship doesn’t. That the love lasts if the loving doesn’t. Alys will need you, whatever happens in your future. I know, something I’ve been through, that she’ll have all sorts of issues with how she was born, but she’ll change, and that will bring its own problems. Be there for her, love. Be ready. We’ll give you our numbers before we go, just in case”

She rose to her feet, stretching her arms behind her back.

“Geoff? Fancy doing something a bit harder?”

“What are you thinking?”

“Valkyrie? Rope of three?”

He nodded, and it wasn’t till I was groping my way down the edge of a flake with absolutely nothing but space beneath me that I appreciated his insistence on giving me a back rope. Just then, I was doubting his wife’s sanity. It taught me a lot about runner placements and rope management, though, and it was one reason I fell asleep so easily in the car a couple of days later.

We spent two nights at the woodland site, near a place called Haltwhistle but pronounced something like ‘Howtwessel’ by the locals, Mr Edwards ticking his castle off as Alys and I walked the woods and splashed in the river. When we moved on, we followed Hadrian’s Wall for a way (there were people climbing below part of it) and there were more castles, a huge lake in a forest where we spent a night under more stars than I realised existed, and finally we almost reached the coast.

I say ‘almost’, because Mr Edwards was very clear on the point.

“Girls, the coastline here is lovely, but all the sites are either caravans only, or caravans only in huge numbers. We’re going to settle here for the rest of the stay, and do day trips out. Got some big castles to see, including one they used for the ‘Spaceman and King Arthur’ film”

He paused for a second before adding that it was also used as the school in a series of films about a boy wizard, no biggy.

“Oh, and there will be at least one boat trip. You’ll want your swimming costume and your climbing helmet for that, Enfys”

There were indeed castles, and the coastline was a mix of incredible sandy beaches, rock outcrops and an island reached by a road that was underwater at high tide. The boat trip was out to some smaller rocky islands, where terns tried to break their beaks on the previously mentioned headwear, and the place was full of seals, puffins, eider and all sorts of other seabirds that had Alys almost screaming in delight. It was clearly her part of the holiday, as the Roaches had been mine, but the memories I cherished were of three of us lying in sand dunes, camping stove and sandwiches to hand as her father went off for yet more castle-twitching.

We all wore swimming costumes, even though the sea was far too cold for anything other than paddling, and while my sensible mind was asking what Alys had done to hide her unwanted bits away, the rest of me was in a whirl.

This was my lover, in a way, for she had used that word. She was also my friend, and that word would always bring back Steph Woodruff’s plea, and I made myself the same prayer..

Be there for her, Enfys, not just for yourself.

CHAPTER 11
That holiday finally came to an end, after a few trips out in the car to see what Mr Edwards called his ‘Specials’, which were a trio of castles ranging from a really picturesque coastal ruin via a huge, square and intact monster of a place to the real destination, a tiny little thing perched on an outcrop on the island with the tidal road, where Alys and I roamed the dunes on the north coast as huge white birds plunged into the sea, wings folded back, and she photographed every flower she couldn’t name. Once again, I was content in her presence, not needing anything more from my life in those moments, but she was keen to talk in between each little burst of nature-naming.

“What are you doing when we get back, Enfys?”

“Helping Dad out till school starts again. It’s what I would be doing if I wasn’t here”

“And school?”

“Got my choices in, so no real change”

She stopped walking and turned to me, a slight frown crinkling her eyes.

“Not talking about that side of school. I mean people like Ifor and that”

“He’s just a knob. Ignore him”

“Yeah, and Mrs Preece and the others? It’s like I said when I got back from the doctor’s: if they find out I… you… Remember what Sali told us, about that lecturer? If they… they’ll just end up saying I’m just a boy who likes dresses, and the doctors won’t believe me, and all sorts of things, and then I’ll end up stuck as a boy, or looking like one, and… It’s not you!”

I found my throat locking up, words difficult to get past a painful lump.

“But you said..”

She put a finger to my lips.

“I know what I said, and I meant it. I meant it because it feels right, and being with you, that feels right, and I know that I am not feeling like a boy would, because how could I? I am not a boy, I don’t understand them, so how could I ever think like one? This, this right for me, and I think, I hope, it’s right for you, but people outside, they won’t get it. If we can get through…”

She looked out to sea again, watching as a flight of gannets plummeted, one after the other, in search of fish. When she spoke again, her voice was almost dreamy.

“It’s a long time, Enfys. Four years till I can tell them to get stuffed, but Mam says that if I am lucky, if I can keep jumping through their hoops, then I might be able to get hormones when I’m sixteen. I can’t face not getting them, love. Can you handle me…”

She drew a long, deep breath, then huffed it out, shaking her head, before turning back to me with new determination in her eyes.

“Being in the closet, Enfys. I can wait, because I have to. Can you keep a secret for a couple of years?”

“But people already know it”

“Which people?”

“Our parents, and the Woodruffs”

“Ah, parents aren’t people! And I think Stephanie understands”

She smiled, finally.

“You’re not the only one she has spoken to, you know. We had quite a long chat”

“About me?”

“Partly. About me, mostly, but she also talked about friends she’s got. Other les… lesbians”

That word, out in the open at last, was a better one than others, like the ‘queer’ regularly shouted at Alys when she had first appeared at our school, but it still felt an awkward fit. I didn’t feel that I was a member of some demarcated class of people, some nebulous group whose rules I was yet to learn, but simply comfortable where I was, as right in my skin as Alys needed to be.

I didn’t care what box people wanted to put me in; I simply felt that being with this girl was utterly right for me. I reached out once more for her hand, and she let me take it, lacing her fingers in mine as I sought the right words rather than clever ones.

“Um, Alys?”

A brighter smile.

“That’s my name”

“Er, if I can’t wait two years, or four, or whatever, then I wouldn’t be right for you. Just our parents, then”

A wider smile., followed by one of her incredibly gentle kisses.

“Thank you”

We turned to make our way back to her parents, and she chuckled.

“Oh! Forgot to mention. As payment for taking you on holiday, I’ll be helping you out in the bunkhouse when we get back”

“Eh? Why are YOU paying for taking ME on holiday?”

Happy laughter.

“I told you parents aren’t people. And who said anything had to make sense?”

The drive home went via a place called Skipton, which was pretty, and might just have included stops at Durham City, Barnard Castle and Richmond for some reason or other, with a last night in the tent at a campsite by the canal that joined Leeds to Manchester, just west of Skipton itself. Mr and Mrs Edwards had stopped at a big supermarket, where they bought a disposable barbecue and a lot of stuff to cook on it, or rather Mr Edwards had dropped three of us off at Tesco’s while he drove off on a solo errand. Apparently, Skipton has a castle.

We had a silly evening, the Edwards sharing some wine with Alys and myself, and then settled down. My last night beside her, I realised.

The end of the next morning saw us finally emerging from industrial England and driving steadily along the Expressway, Alys teasing her father as we passed Abergele and Gwrych Castle.

“Not a real one, love. It would be like you claiming to have seen some rare bird after visiting a zoo. Anyway, nearly there. Before you ask, we’ll not be stopping at Conwy. You can wave as we pass the castle”

They dropped me off first, and I felt my legs almost creak as I straightened up after so many hours in the back of their car. Mam was waiting, kettle warm, as I had phoned her when we left the Expressway for the A5, and when I dumped my bags and slumped on the settee, she chivvied me to get my things upstairs and pull out anything that needed washing. I did as ordered, dragging the dirty stuff down for the machine to swallow, and only then did she supply me with tea and a slice of cake as I settled once more on the settee, this time with her beside me.

“How did it go, love?”

I looked at her over my mug.

“Seriously? A set-up!”

She laughed happily.

“Geoff gave us a ring, love: ‘Target acquired’. Did you like the gritstone?”

“Oh, Mam, it’s amazing rock!”

I was sidetracked immediately, gushing about which routes we had climbed and how exposed some of them had been, but eventually I ran down. She waited patiently, before asking the obvious question.

“And Alys?”

I was lost for words for a moment, but I could still blush, and of course my mother saw it.

“Oh, love! Scary stuff at your age”

Suddenly, she was chuckling, which surprised me, but her next words answered that.

“Not exactly easy at any bloody age, to be honest. Took me ages to ask your Dad out”

“You asked him?”

“Of course! He’s too soft to take a hint. Half his charm, that is”

“That and his tight shorts?”

“That and the shorts, yes. Are you able to tell me what I need to know about Alys, love?”

I tried to choose my words as carefully as Alys had, clinging to her comment that parents aren’t people. This was my mother, and that was always the first and main thing about her for me. I stumbled slightly, but the words came out in the end.

“We love each other, Mam”

“I know, Enfys. How do we handle it?”

“Sorry?”

She settled closer to me, an arm over my shoulder.

“Finished with that plate? Ta”

Once it was on the coffee table, she settled back once more.

“I told you Nansi and I talk, love. We talked about Alys before she ever came out. Out to anyone but her parents, that is”

Another long sigh, of the sort that was becoming all too familiar.

“Going to mess this up, I am. More fashionable these days, but we tried with you, when you were little. Things change, though. I told you about your Dad’s old job. It was all blokes, even the women. All dominance games. Keith, your Dad, and me, we decided we’d let you be whoever you were, boy or girl or something else, and we got a girl”

“I am a girl, Mam”

“Yes, but we wanted you to know that before we told you. Not explaining things that well, am I? Anyway, Vic and Nansi, they had a boy, and Vic was happy, because Vic is just an ordinary man, and he’s now got a little one to play with”

“But Alys---”

“I know, love. So did her parents, quite quickly. It’s a funny thing, gender. Settle back, and some boring stuff is on the way, but you need to know a bit of it. When a baby is born, you have forty two days to register it, and it’s only boy or girl allowed, and that is based on one thing, usually: is there a willy?”

“But that’s not always right!”

“They call it ‘assigned sex’. Love, or ‘recorded’. Or ‘observed’, if you’re a bigot. Met a few of those, have Vic and Nansi. Anyway, that’s a bit of paper, and it’s got to be done, but we did that bit, because we had to, and then, because we’re, well, we live in Gerlan!”

She chuckled again.

“Hippies, they call us. Anyway, we gave you a name we liked, not a traditional boy-girl one, and we waited to find out who you were. We were lucky”

“You didn’t want a boy, then?”

“Not what I meant, love. By ‘we’, I meant all three of us. You knew who you were, and there was no conflict, so we let you be. Nansi and Vic did it differently, so it was all little boy stuff. I’ve done a lot of reading on the subject, and by god it’s handy having access to a proper academic library! The literature says most kids have their gender established by the age of five, but I think they use that age because it is when the kid is old enough to communicate what they already know. Oh, and when I say ‘gender’, I mean the sense of who you are, boy or girl, not necessarily what your knicker contents tell you”

She shook her head.

“Found one account, trans woman in her sixties she was, who said she always knew, but only realised she had a problem when she saw her younger brother’s bits, in the bath. She was two years old. That was Vic’s problem. Alys got through infants’ school, and that was sort of okay, but once she’s seven, she’s off to junior school, and that’s when the real trouble came along, and Alys… Enfys, she had a different name, you know that, but it’s what they call a deadname, so I am not going to use it, or say ‘he’, okay? Anyway, so she’s getting picked on a lot, and she’s asking her Mam why she has to sit with the boys all the time, and when Nansi says ‘Because you’re a boy’, Alys says ‘No I’m not’. Persistent, consistent, clearly expressed”

“Sorry?”

“Diagnostic criteria for being trans, love. And that was Alys, so clear in her own sense of self. So Nansi talks to me, and I do the reading, and there’s a couple of charities who know these things inside out. One called Mermaids was the key. Alys must have been nine or ten by then, and she was still with us. God alone knows where she gets her strength from. This charity, then: they’re a family thing, and they have weekends away, families together, families with kids who might be transgender, and that was the start. Load up the car, head over to England somewhere, and let her loose”

Another squeeze from my mother.

“She didn’t have any girl clothes or anything, nothing like that, just shorts and a T-shirt, but Nansi says as soon as she realised what sort of weekend it was, she was away. Vic said it best, you know. He says that as soon as she relaxed, as soon as she was running around with the other girls, even with the language thing, Vic says ‘I needed Nansi to give me a boot up the arse for being blind’. He’s a good man, Enfys. Alys is a lucky girl, and in yet another way, I’m a lucky woman”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I got a daughter who also knows who she is, and I got a daughter who is able to love. What more could I ever want?”

CHAPTER 12
We had a mixed Summer, weatherwise, but that was one of the reasons Dad managed to make a half-decent income for us from the bunkhouse. I loved camping, especially that sense of a nest, being safe from the weather even if only behind a couple of layers of nylon. Listening to rain on my tent was a wonderful lullaby, but it rather obviously meant that the world outside would be rather moist.

We got people who wanted somewhere dry outside their sleeping bag, people who wanted somewhere to hang their waterproofs or let their boots dry out naturally, people who loved and lived for the mountains, in any weather. Dad had learned several hard lessons in filtering those who simply wanted to have a relatively cheap place to crash out when drunk, particularly groups of ‘lads’, of both sexes. Group trade was thus mainly from climbing or walking clubs, and the one time we relaxed things was at Christmas, when we had two separate clubs who had a standing arrangement for their members’ dinners.

I say ‘we’, and that is what it felt like, as my Summer was usually spent helping out with things like clearing the rubbish and recycling bins (we had a couple of skips out the back, and a contract with a bulk recycling company). Certainly not child labour, and it had perks. Our clientele included an awful lot of regulars, and every so often, one, or more usually a couple, would arrive, Dad would smile, and I would be off for a day’s climbing with someone I half knew.

That Summer, before the new term, Alys worked alongside me, or, occasionally, went out with small groups to show them some of the birdwatching or other places that naturalists love. We did our light duties with a couple of bin bags and a pack of toilet rolls, a sweep round the bunkrooms, and then either found something of our own to do in the lounge, or were already out on the hill, or in Alys’ case, on some dune field or in a bog. I didn’t care. I got time with her, and I got days on the rock, even if I occasionally had to explain to well-meaning ‘guides’ that I wasn’t so much struggling up V Diffs as knocking on the door of Extreme.

They did indeed mean well, and there was a particular couple whose slight reservations about ‘dragging a kid out’ turned into a real glint in their eyes, and I had several days out on the slate and, after they had indulged in a much longer and more serious chat with Dad, I found myself on a sea cliff near North Stack on Ynys Gybi, just off Anglesey in the middle of a rope of three on the route ‘A Dream of White Horses’. Only HVS 4c, but what a place, and what a situation the climb took us to.

Those were indeed my thoughts: ‘Only…’, at least as far as the stance in the middle, where I suddenly realised how far out we were, and how much air there was between the soles of my feet and the seals watching from Gogarth Bay beneath us. I found my arrogance disappearing almost as fast as it had arrived.

That was our Summer, but like all seasons, it came to an end, and the start of September saw the two of us back at the school gates, where I had to fight the other new arrival, the urge to hold her hand whenever the chance arose.

We got all the gossip, of course, from Elen, Sali and the rest, and there were comments about the relative qualities of our tans as well as a few tart and juicy comments on whether Spanish, Greek or Turkish waiters had the best backsides, and of course both of us were asked about our own holidays. Alys simply shrugged.

“Dad likes castles, so we went up to the North of England and looked at loads. With our tent”

The other girls made some odd cooing noises, followed by their repeated expressions of deep sympathy, et cetera, before they started pulling up photos on their phones, ‘Poor Alys’ and her miserable excuse for a summer holiday forgotten as they swapped pictures of swarthy men and bikini selfies. As I had kept my own account to “Went climbing with some friends and worked in the bunkhouse”, I was left well out of the giggling, for I was seen as a total loss on the gossip front.

It was a slightly different matter when our first Wednesday climbing trip came round. Mr Lewis took us out to Tryfan Fach, as the weather was fine and we had some new members of his class, who had changed from other activities they had followed before the break. We parked the minibus at the start of the long layby before heading up the path through the tussocks and boulders to the foot of the slab, where he sat us all down for the safety talk.

“Right, most of you will have heard this before, but we have a couple of newcomers here in Tomos and Ioan. You want to wave, lads? Ta. Now…”

He rattled through the basics, with particular emphasis on not dropping or throwing stuff down from any height, basic climbing calls and so on, then went round the group for a ‘what we did on our holidays’ session. When it was my turn, I shrugged.

“Went out with my parents, then some friends of theirs”

“Ah! Good! What did you do?”

“Well, I led Milestone Direct and Pulpit/Ivy Chimney”

“Excellent stuff! Good routes, they are. Anything else worth sharing?”

“Um, did some stuff on different rock”

“Oh! Where?”

“Valkyrie at the Roaches, Seamstress, Dream of White Horses”

He didn’t actually say the word, nor did his lips form it, but I could read his mind extremely clearly.

“Fuck!”

He recovered well, to give him credit.

“Right, you lot: what Enfys has managed is rather harder than anything we will be doing together, so I am going to make a suggestion, which will help us to get a bit more done than usual. Enfys?”

“Yes, sir?”

“I would like you to set up a top rope for me. Geth will belay you up, as you place protection. Once you have set up an anchor, I will then climb up to check it for soundness, and then you can take half the group for a while. Do you feel up to that? Oh, and what was your hardest lead?”

“Um, I think HS 4b, sir”

He grinned, obviously pleased.

“Keep doing as you are, and there is a route you will simply have to do, in the quarries where you were climbing. Your name, almost: Rainbow of Recalcitrance. Very, well, very out there, it is, but if you can handle the head games in White Horses, then it will be your sort of thing. Oh, and I feel evil today, so once we have finished on the front, I have some treats for you. You might not agree they are treats when you try them, though”

He indicated the first point he wanted a top rope set up, so I sorted through the gear he had, racking it Steph-style as he watched, nodding occasionally in approval. I found myself learning a valuable lesson two minutes later, as I discovered the difference between the speed I was scampering up the slab and the much slower rate that Geth was able to feed me rope. Mr Lewis had a slight smirk on his lips as he joined me at the stance I had chosen.

“Yes, I set you up. Always remember that you are part of a team, and never assume the other person is at the same level that you are. Now I want you to wait here while I go down, then Geth can lower you off”

“I can just climb down!”

“And he doesn’t get to learn anything?”

“Oh. Sorry”

He actually chuckled at that one.

“I am here to teach you, Enfys. The way your climbing is coming along, you’ll leave me well behind in technique, but that’s not everything. I hear you want to do Adventure Sports after your A-levels. This is part of it, knowing how to look after all sorts of level of ability”

I didn’t ask what sources regarding my plans he may have had right then, but of course he was right. He slowly descended, then backed up Geth on the rope as I walked backwards down the rock. From then on, I was the one in charge, secured to a ground anchor set up by our teacher, and while I didn’t get that much climbing in, I enjoyed helping the others as they developed their own skills, or, to be honest, didn’t.

Mr Lewis kept his promise, and led us round the base of the main slab to a much steeper but shorter face, where there what he called ‘problems’, and they definitely sorted the sheep from the goats, those who could ascend from those whose feet seemed nailed to the ground. I filed each one away as a game to play on later dates, especially the odd little layback-into-a-corner route. He was right: this was indeed the way to connect with how others climbed. I had become far too accustomed to climbing with people who could cruise most of what I had to work hard at, and the real world would never be like that.

I got a mixed reaction from the rest of the class, though, as some of them clearly resented being shown up as being in some way inferior, while others went in the opposite direction in deluging me with questions about where, what and how scary. In an odd way, I felt some insight into what Alys had gone through, and still did, following her transition: while Ifor and some others were directly hostile, others were accepting, or curious, often excessively so. At least my pointed questions were less intrusive than the knicker-contents speculation that she had to deal with.

I had another revelation on our return ride to school, in that I felt nowhere near as tired as I had done previously. All the days out with Steph’n’Geoff, my parents and the various semi-friends from the bunkhouse were pushing my fitness along in a big way. For once, I didn’t doze off in the minibus, and the little bit of homework I had for other subjects was done and dusted before our evening meal.

That week also saw another visit to the folk club at the Cow, more fun coaxing tunes out of my harp, and, most importantly, time spent with Alys. Happy days indeed.

The homework, however, did drop an awful lot of hints, as we were now into a far more serious part of our education. The two years we were starting would end with our first GCSE exams, the O-levels, which would determine which subjects we would be allowed to take in sixth form, which would end up with exams that would serve as either gateway to university and career, or a roadblock. I couldn’t see Ifor staying that particular course, as the most distant horizon in his life would forever be a choice between the view over a Massey-Ferguson tractor bonnet or that from the saddle of a quad bike. Narrow horizons indeed, for an even narrower mind.

That was the pattern from then until Christmas: meet my love at the school gates, share some classes, giggle together (I couldn’t help it!) at lunchtime, home to a session with books and laptop followed by some odds and sods in the bunkhouse to give Dad some support as Mam did the dinner.

I collared her about gender roles one evening. I didn’t call them that, of course, but simply asked why it was that our main breadwinner, who was not Dad, was also expected, for what seemed like sexist reasons, to do all the cooking. She just laughed out loud.

“Enfys, love: admit it. We have both tasted your father’s cooking. You really want that every night?”

I laughed in turn.

“Point taken, Mam!”

“Anyway, think about it. All the peeling and chopping is done by him, during the day. You set it going before I get in, and all I am really doing is finishing things off, or setting up the roast or whatever before I go. Called teamwork, love. Speaking of which, we’ve got guests this Sunday for a proper meal, so you will need to wear something other than Tracksters”

“Who is it?”

“The Edwards, of course. What sort of roast would you like?”

Before I could answer, she started a slow count down from five. I must have looked puzzled, because she laughed once more.

“Me? Just counting the seconds until you give me the same answer your Dad would. Pork, am I right? With crackling?”

I couldn’t help it, and my own laughter went on for ages despite my struggle to make bad jokes about being a woman of mystery, spoiling my plans, and so forth. It was yet another moment when I found myself mentally standing to one side of my family, seeing yet another reason that my father loved her so much.

I set the table with decent crockery on Sunday, as the aroma from the kitchen set my mouth to watering and, embarrassingly, my stomach to rumbling, in a dress for the first time in ages. As I finished the last place setting, the doorbell rang, and I scurried off to get it before either of my parents could. Alys was looking lovely in a dress of her own, and I got a pointed look from Mrs Edwards as I stood in the doorway.

“Inside first, Enfys!”

I stepped to one side, and as her parents went straight past in the most obvious of ways, Alys shut the door and took me in her arms. It wasn’t a full-on bodice-ripping surge of passion, just the glint of her eyes and the warmth of her body against mine. I didn’t feel confident enough to kiss her in front of our parents, but I took her hand as we entered the living room, and made sure we took two places on the settee.

Mine; not letting go.

Mr Edwards smiled at us, then waggled his head.

“Not a problem with us, Enfys, but it is something we are going to talk over while we relax after dinner. Not while we eat, okay?”

I nodded, and did my best to keep everything as light as I could while we disposed of roast pork and then apple and blackberry crumble with custard, Mam’s cooking as superb as ever even though it had been Dad and myself who had collected the fruit, and me who had, as always, done the ‘crumbling’. As we settled into our comfy places again, Mr Edwards handed my Dad a USB stick.

“Got a load of pictures for you lot on that, from the Northumberland trip. Want to look through them before we do the heavy stuff?”

Dad grinned.

“I am with you there, because I also have this!”

He held up a second memory stick, and started attaching various leads to our television, talking over his shoulder.

“Geoff sent this a couple of weeks ago, love. More pics from the Summer and the slate”

Why wait a fortnight before telling me? Leave it for the moment; I snuggled back into the settee’s softness, and we started the picture show. It did, of course, involve an awful lot of castles, but there were many more that showed Alys and myself laughing together over ice cream, or lying on our backs in our swimming costumes amid Lindisfarne dunes. The ones of me in a climbing helmet being dive-bombed by Arctic terns brought some raucous laughter, but as Mr Edwards had also caught some amazing shots of seals and puffins, there were also many sighs of fluffy delight at their cuteness.

When Dad switched to the shots from the Woodruffs, there were far more gasps from our visitors. I don’t know how Geoff had managed it, but there were shots of me traversing out onto the undercut nose of Maud’s Garden as well as some that could only have been taken by Steph, from the niche before the traverse. The overriding impression was that I was poised above absolute nothingness, and although I pointed out the runner I had on the lip of the block, as well as how big the holds were, I don’t think any of the Edwards were convinced. One of the Woodruffs had also caught some other climbers as they went up, across and down the crux of Valkyrie, and then there were shots of me on Seamstress and other routes.

I felt myself blushing, but Alys squeezed my hand, and that helped. Mr Edwards sighed, and that was an obvious signal. Dad nodded at him.

“You and Nansi happy to start, Vince?”

“Yes. Got to be… Enfys, please don’t worry, but we have a few things to say this afternoon, and some of them are heavy subjects, but all we want to do is set some boundaries and explain what we need to do. Will that be okay? You have done nothing wrong, either of you”

I nodded, and he settled himself down into his armchair, a glass of wine in his hand.

“We’ve talked to Alys, and we know she’s told you a few things, but what I will do is set out where we are. Adult subjects, Enfys, but we will explain anything confusing. What do you understand when we say Alys is transitioning?”

“Um, that she is changing… that she is putting things right from what was wrong for her when she was born”

“Good answer. There’s a lot to it, but what you need to know is that much of it can’t happen until she is eighteen. Stuff like changing her name, sorting out a passport, and…”

There was a catch in his voice, which he covered up with a cough before continuing.

“What Alys wants is to change her body. Correct it, ah? She can’t do that until… She can do it, in one way, to an extent, from when she is sixteen, as long as her doctors agree, but the other way, the… Alys can go onto what are called cross-sex hormones from sixteen, but she can only get surgery after she is eighteen. Nansi… her mother and I worry about that, but we have a few years left to think it through. We’re happy with the idea of the hormones, though”

Alys snorted, waving at her chest.

“Ifor Watkins will get his wish, Enfys! More importantly…”

I squeezed her hand.

“More importantly, you’ll get yours?”

She blushed, and I turned back to Mr Edwards.

“Yes, Enfys. It will make her a lot happier, and that is something she never was, never happy. You’ve helped a lot with that, so take some credit. What we have to do is complicated, and it all depends on what is called gatekeeping. I know you are starting on a lot of biology and that for your future, so you’ll know a lot of this, but we, our family, we live it. At the moment, Alys is on what are called blockers, and they act like a pause button on a video. Stop her going through puberty as a boy, until we can get the approval for the oestrogen, and then she can go through it as a girl. Two years till then, so we have to make sure we keep her on the blockers”

He sighed deeply, and her Mam took over.

“Going to swear, love, but her doctor, he’s an arsehole. Everything has to be done his way, or she gets no help. Girls are what he says they are, act the way he approves of, or they aren’t girls. She wore jeans to one interview, girl’s jeans, with flowers on the pockets, and he went spare. Girls wear skirts, never trousers, in his world. And girls are… Girls are heterosexual. No! Shush, it’s okay!”

I had started out of my seat, tears threatening, but she waved me back down, and of course Alys still held my hand, so all was still right with us. Her mother gave us both a gentle smile.

“You think we weren’t watching you both on that trip? Sweetest thing I have seen in years. If Alys had stayed as--- if Alys hadn’t shown us who she really is, it would have been so easy, and that, my darling daughter, is not a complaint. If we can accept a trans daughter, it’s hardly a leap to accept a gay one, is it? Anyway, we know you two have had a chat about this, so you understand. We simply need to agree some ground rules”

Mr Edwards held up a hand to interrupt.

“That sounds too heavy, Nans. Better to say we need to agree some camouflage, ah? And we have some ideas about that, and some other offers”

Dad was grinning as Mr Edwards started talking about castles, and then I caught what he was saying”

“So many of the best ones are abroad, so two things Nansi and I have always wanted to do is follow a couple of rivers, the Rhine and the Loire, and we can’t do that with Alys right now. Well, we could, but it wouldn’t be as Alys, and that isn’t something any of us want. Our plan is, er, to do some scouting”

Alys was giggling now, and I stared at her till she stopped and found her sensible voice again.

“Dad wants to go anyway, but is feeling guilty. I’ve said he can go, but once I’m eighteen and it’s all legal, he goes again, and takes me. He gets to find out where all the nice places are, then be cocky and superior by showing them to us when we’re eighteen”

One word was leaping out at me.

“What do you mean by ‘we’, Alys?”

“Both of us. We get all of our summer holidays together from now on, whether or not these two are here”

Mr Edwards coughed again.

“Yes, basically. I need the trips for my own work, to be honest. Got two commissions to fill, photo books. You will be together while we’re away, and Mr and Mrs Hiatt have agreed that you can stay here for those weeks. Then, well, their summer is a working one, so if they take a trip anywhere, it will be during another part of the year. We just need promises from you, promises of discretion and, well… Just be as adult as you can, as careful as you can, as sensible, all that stuff. Now, changing the subject. Christmas: whose house?”

CHAPTER 13
In the end, we had it at ours, because it was closer to the Bunkhouse, and there was a club booked in for the whole week and a bit of the holidays. It meant a little bit extra work for us, but the group did their own decorations, and actually did quite a decent clean-up job afterwards, although they could have done a better effort at separating the recycling. The thought was there, though.

The run-up to the holiday itself was fun, in its own way. The Woodruffs were down for a few days, which meant a mass visit to the folk club, and for once they chose to stay at the Bunkhouse rather than camp. I collared Steph about that choice, and she grinned.

“Long story, Enfys, but first you need to know… Nope. Start from scratch. We saw the weather forecast, and it is snow above two thousand feet. That means sludge anywhere below that, and I really didn’t fancy four days in a mud-bath, nor trying to dry out damp boots in a tent. Also gives us a chance to have a few beers without needing anyone to drive”

I went to speak, and she just held up a hand.

“Nope, not even your Dad, love. Now, a few years ago… You won’t remember any of this, but before I brought Geoff here the first time, he asked if I had ever tried climbing”

I burst out laughing, as I knew how well she exceeded her husband’s ability, good as he was, and she grinned back.

“Yup! We were still learning things about each other back then, still dropping clangers now and again”

Her gaze went a little distant, a smile settling into place for a moment, then she was back with me.

“If not too soppy a subject, he is the first man, the first person I have ever loved, been in love with, I mean, and I hop the last. Not being morbid, Enfys; just, well, can’t see a life without him, not now. Lesson for you and Alys, I suppose, in that you will still be discovering stuff for years, so see that as a fun feature rather than a challenge, okay? Anyway, Christmas”

Once again, there was a little flicker in her expression, followed by a smile.

“Never did Christmas before we met, girl. I would usually just work through, do overtime on all the holidays, yeah? Different with him, and he comes with his relatives, our family, aye? These days, I work what I have to, and they will be at our place for the week. We fit the Christmas stuff around my shifts, so we do it around my work, instead of me working to blot it out. We’ll have a full house when we get home, and there are a load of other friends to see, and, and, and”

She turned a far more serious look on me.

“That is where Alys will be now, love. She’s luckier than I was, in some ways, because she is starting everything a lot younger than I did, and, well… Oh, she knows who she is, which way she needs to smile, and I didn’t have a clue till I met Geoff and his family. I don’t mean she has it easy, but I almost feel jealous… No. Not fair. Now, we have a few ideas, Geoff and me, and they aren’t about rock!”

She left it there, teasingly, and I almost forgot what she had said, as we were being handed a shedload of homework before the holidays, and there was the obligatory trip to the Cow. Alys’ parents drove my harp down that morning, so that we wouldn’t have to lug it on foot, Mr Harries keeping it in the stock room overnight so none of us would have to lug it back that evening. Before that, I had mentioned to Mr Lewis what Steph had told me, and he grinned.

“That’ll mean Banana Gully, and maybe Clogwyn y Geifr or Cwm Cneifion, then. Hang on here while I pop to the store room. What size feet?”

“Um, five”

“Hang on, then”

He was back in a few minutes carrying a cardboard box and a couple of canvas sacks, his grin wider than ever.

“Best conditions in ages, Enfys! You will either love it or hate it”

“What, Sir?”

“If I am right, they are taking you up a snow and ice route. This little lot are some flexible crampons, and a matched axe and hammer. Got a helmet?”

“Of course!”

“Then get some ski goggles or similar to go with it, and make sure you take a head torch and a survival bag. Short days, Enfys”

How stupid was I? Steph had rambled on about the snow above two thousand feet, and the tops were already caked in the stuff, and she had made it plain it didn’t involve rock.

“Duh!”

“Never mind, Enfys. I know what you are going to do at college, so this should be really useful. Just relax and enjoy it, but it will feel very precarious at first. Take your time”

I found out what he meant when the Woodruffs led me up the Idwal path before cutting off to the right for the clamber up to Cwm Clyd and the start of a route that broadened my conception of mountaineering more than anything I had done that far, because it involved nothing at all relating to rock. We spent a little while practising self-arrest on the shallower slopes before we started up the open groove of Banana Gully. Steph’n’Geoff put me in the middle of a rope of three, and we climbed it in a way she called ‘moving together’, simply climbing steadily by kicking steps, thrusting axe shafts deep into the snow, until we were under the small cornice that had formed at the top, where Steph set up the oddest belay I had ever seen, using a number of flat metal plates she called ‘dead men’.

“You’ll like this, Enfys: they made some smaller ones, so of course they decided to call them ‘dead boys’, and then someone just HAD to make a size in between, and those are called ‘dead youths’. Now, this is the lesson for this bit: I am going to cut through the cornice. It might let go, and that can mean avalanche. You and him are tied on, so if I get swept off, no worries. I just get snow everywhere!”

In the end, while some large chunks did drop on and past her, there was nothing too extreme, and we were soon on the summit of Y Garn sharing flasks of tea and Mars bars, which were so cold I thought I would break a tooth on them. Down to the fence and over the ladder styles to Llyn y Cwn, where the wind had pushed the skin of ice to one side as it formed, so that it looked like the skin on a rice pudding, folded into wrinkles on the lee side. We hit the shelf that took us down to the side of the Kitchen, and that was where things took off exponentially.

There were frozen waterfalls. Steph had metal things she walloped into the ice. We climbed on crampon points and ice picks. Up said frozen cascades.

It was only afterwards, as we sat in my own kitchen, boots filled with torn newspaper and mugs of hot chocolate in our hands, when I managed to put it into perspective.

The ice was like the slate: the basics of climbing remained the same, and it was just the concept of a ‘hold’ that had to be learned once more. Steph listened to me chatter on about that in my teenaged way, then smiled.

“Two things, love: first, there are things called mixed routes, where you will have rock as well as ice, and need to learn how to use the holds in crampons. The other…”

She looked over to my parents, and Dad winced.

“Mick Fowler?”

“Yup!”

Dad shook his head,

“No, not me. I like my holds to stay in place. To be honest, I like them to actually bloody exist in the first place! You thinking of Hastings or Dover, Steph?”

“Bloody neither of them!”

Dad turned to me, still wincing.

“Mud cliffs near Hastings, Enfys. Bloody white cliffs of Dover. Climbed using ice tools. This one here has just confirmed she isn’t quite as barking as I thought!”

Geoff snorted.

“Yeah, as far as climbing is concerned, I’ll agree, but there’s always her fiddle-playing!”

Happy days.

We finally arrived at Christmas Day itself, and I was so nervous it was all I could do to set the table. Mam had pushed the boat out, somehow finding a goose rather than a turkey, and my nerves were kept in check as I was delegated to the job of preparing and cooking several of the vegetables, but that could only work until everything was boiling or roasting away, and I was left to face the presence of Alys.

She had her hair loose over the shoulders of the simplest of cobalt-blue shift dresses, and simple it may have been, but it was gorgeous in that simplicity, almost as lovely as the smile that crowned it. I wanted…

I was heading for fifteen years old. I had all sorts of theoretical knowledge about intimacy, I was up to speed with our biology lessons, I had heard far too much playground gossip around ‘lezzers’, but none of that entered my mind.

She stood before me, she smiled, and I was complete.

CHAPTER 14
Our Christmas meal was more than satisfactory. It was effectively soporific, and we spent the afternoon slumped in various chairs. Mam had set out some rules about our plans for that part of the day, and they were based on a review of the programmes offered up on the television. Our concerted opinion, following her lead, was just ‘No’.

Instead, we had each selected a favourite film on DVD, and a favourite album on CD, so our time was spent in a silence that was utterly comfortable, because nothing needed to be said, and a similar lack of any need to speak merely to be heard to do so. Alys and I ended up sprawled together on camping mats in front of the settee, alternately on our backs as we listened to some surprisingly varied music or on our fronts to watch the gogglebox. The selection there ranged from Alys’ Mam’s offering of ‘Chicken Run’ to my own father’s compilation of some odd climbing videos, where older climbers were taken up the routes of their youth. Even Alys enjoyed bits of that one, but only because some of the old men had amazing senses of humour. I recognised one, because he had a couple of local climbing shops, and his mate had been extremely well-known to locals.

Dad paused at one point, where three old men were on a slab that they called ‘Cloggy’, on the flanks of Snowdon.

“Last climb for some of them, love. Don Whillans there, he died in bed a little while after the filming. Bill Peascod… Bill had a heart attack right there, died on the climb. I was doing some work there, when they brought him down. They were paying lads to carry loads up the hill for them, nothing technical. Sorry, but there’s a funnier bit later. Need to take a little bit of time before that. Anyone fancy a cuppa? Nansi, your music time?”

I followed him into the kitchen, and gave him a hug. My father had always been a softy, in so many ways, and as he wiped his eyes, I could see exactly why Mam had felt it necessary to force him to leave the mire of that office in Luton.

“You okay, Dad?”

He took a deep breath, before dropping tea bags into the pot.

“I am, love. Just a bit of a year, with you and Alys being a big part of that”

I went to say something, to apologise or make some stupid offer, but he simply put a finger to my lips.

“No, Enfys. No. That wasn’t a complaint. It is an observation, and that is all. Your Mam and me, we simply need to keep on learning, and that is never a bad thing. I just need a promise from you. We all do”

He looked into my eyes for a few seconds, as he held me a foot away from his own, then spoke softly.

“You were always there as a friend for Alys, before, well, before Alys. You’ve been there for her since then, and now things are going that bit further… That promise, okay? First love, it’s always a big thing, and sometimes it stays that way, but more often than not it doesn’t. The promise is simply that if it all goes wrong, ends, you don’t drop her as a friend. There is a lot going on in her life right now”

“You’ve been waiting to have this chat, haven’t you?”

He nodded.

“I know she’s had words herself, told you some things, but she’s told her mother more. You do know that her doctors would give her grief for being gay, don’t you? Block her transition?”

“Yes, she told me. We need to keep it quiet”

Dad nodded, once more, but this time his mouth twisted.

“According to Nansi, her shrink wanted to know how she masturbated, and what or who she thought about while she did so”

I found myself exploding, as Dad’s finger came once more to my lips.

“Yes, Enfys. That blunt. That creepy. And Alys told her Mam that she had dropped hints at school before she realised how sick the shrink was, and we can’t be sure now how many people picked up on that. Nansi hasn’t heard any gossip yet, and neither has Illtyd, and if there was anything going on, he’d pick up on it, you know that”

His dark mood broke in a sudden bout of chuckling, and he grinned at me.

“Typical of him, it is. Tried chatting up Steph, got it wrong, and suddenly he is the biggest trans ally in Wales!”

He caught something in my expression, and shook his head sharply.

“No, not like that. Not a pose. He is just someone of a rare type, and when he gets things wrong, he admits he was wrong and does his best to make it right again, make himself right as well. Wouldn’t have him for a friend otherwise, would I?”

I shook my head, wondering where the conversation was going.

“What we need from you, love, is that promise, and a little bit of dishonesty outside, in public. Show all the affection the two of you feel is right, but only in here, or at her place. Just until it doesn’t have consequences for her. Can you manage that, the two of you?”

I nodded back.

“Priorities, isn’t it?”

“Absolutely, love. Now, the tea will be brewed by now, and there’s a bit of that video with Pete Livesey that should make you giggle”

We carried in a tray of cups, milk pot and a bowl of biscuits Mam and I had made, and once the CD had finished, he clicked back onto his video. I wasn’t disappointed, but I was certainly astonished. The climber in question was all beard, greying long hair and specs, and wearing the shortest running shorts I could ever remember seeing on a human. He was leading a Very Famous Climber up something so technical that the VFC had to do a pendulum traverse at the end of a tight rope to easier ground, while, in total contrast, the man in the shorts looked absolutely at home through moves that left me open-mouthed. I felt Alys take my hand, and she snuggled closer after a quick look over to my Dad and his nod in return.

“Enfys, love?”

“Yes? Love?”

“Don’t ever try and take me somewhere like that. I can feel my bum twitching just watching it!”

I pushed my luck, and kissed the tip of her nose.

“I doubt I could even start that one, love!”

Dad called across to us.

“Met Livesey once, girls. You’ll never guess where”

Mam sniffed.

“How many times are you going to tell that one again?”

He laughed.

“Until there’s nobody left who hasn’t heard it!”

Alys giggled.

“I’ll bite! Where? And what did he say to you?”

Mam held up a hand, coughing for attention.

“I’ll tell this one, and I will tell the truth! We were in a climbing shop, and there was a guidebook on sale, or rather a ‘Beginner’s Guide to Climbing’ book, and so he’s flipping through it, and there’s a photo of a girl on some rock, and your Dad says, ‘I remember her! That was on Tryfan Fach, near the top, and I showed her how to foot jam, and there was a man belaying her, and he had a lot of hair, and, and!’, so in your Dad’s mind, that became ‘I met Pete Livesey’. That about right, love?”

He huffed.

“I tell it better, Pen!”

“Yes, love, but I tell it more accurately”

She sniffed.

“Rather like his route-finding. Remember that day at Polldubh? That Diff you were going to solo that turned out to be HS?”

“We all make mistakes!”

That set the tone for the rest of the day, the nastiness revealed in the kitchen losing some of its bite and allowing me to settle far more comfortably against my girlfriend, as my life slowly started to take a shape I could not only understand, but like.

I didn’t get any more winter climbing that year, as the initial snow and ice turned to rain and sludge in early January, and before then, I was reminded that the Woodruffs each had a working life to consider. We were back in school, of course, so I had my own distractions, the main one being that promise Dad had extracted from me. Each time the temptation rose in me to try and snatch a cuddle with Alys, my mind’s eye provided me with a clichéd vision of a cartoon psychiatrist’s room, all couch and Freud-alike shrink, coupled with heavy breathing demands to demonstrate wanking techniques.

What planet did these dinosaurs inhabit, or was it a different geological age? Never mind; she was still there beside me, in some of the classes we shared, and I caught a smile every so often, one that I knew was meant for me, and me alone.

We had passed the solstice, and days were getting longer. Our day would come.

CHAPTER 15
School itself was steadily becoming a more serious affair than it had ever been before, because those of us who were capable of joined up thoughts could now see how the next six years or so would decide the rest of our lives. It didn’t mean that we lost all sense of fun, but rather that we could see how many bites we would be allowed at the notional cherry of a future that was more than a dead end.

There were some, of course, who didn’t or couldn’t see things like that, Ifor Watkins and his hangers-on being perfect examples of the type. His future was assured, in a way, for as long as his father didn’t do anything stupid, the boy was guaranteed a home and a job, even if it would be the arduous one of a sheep farmer. What might happen once his father retired, or passed away, was another question. Unless Ifor changed radically after school, I predicted a departure from the farm followed by the installation of a new tenant. The National Park didn’t stretch as far as the Watkins place, but the Council tended to work closely with them. So much of the local economy was tied up in tourism, and one eyesore of a farm could have a negative impact that reached far beyond its furthest drystone wall.

We still kept to our groups, though, in our accustomed spots around the playground. What changed there were the topics we discussed. Sali and the others still gossiped about whichever boy band star they had spotted, there were still obsessive discussions about clothes and cosmetics, along with snipes at various teachers, but more and more, the girls were talking about the schoolwork they were struggling with, and swapping tips.

It still didn’t stop them giggling over what I felt were crap posers in crap bands with crap haircuts. My family had clearly spoiled me as a target for the typical teenage girl marketing ploys.

Things took an edgier turn as we worked through Spring and past Easter, and both my homework and labours in the bunkhouse got heavier. I saw the Woodruffs several times, although they always camped up at Gwern Gof Uchaf, and there were other regulars who seemed to have their spots on a timeshare basis, up at the same time of year, every year. Both May bank holidays were notable for that, one solo man turning up like clockwork on a very big Kawasaki with a specially made box on its rear carrier, rack, whatever they called it, in which he carried an amazing set of photographic equipment. He always came on the second of the May holidays, and when I asked why, he made some comment about the weather being settled, and then, with a grin, added his trump card.

“No midges yet!”

Neil was his name, and he and Dad took me out one day so that he could show me what he did, which was amazingly intricate games with what he called SRT—single rope technique. We were at one of the Dinorwic quarry pits, with Dad leading me up an HVS to get back out, and Neil simply abseiled down his ‘single rope’ and used a Jumar to lock himself in place. That was when I felt like an idiot, for while I had been amazed at that video Dad had shown me about Pete Livesey and Chris Bonington, I had missed the simple but obvious fact that someone else must have been dangling next to them to use the camera. That was Neil’s game, whether filming other climbers in action or taking pin-sharp close-up shots for climbing guide books. He left us with some magical images, as well as a shudder-filled confession.

I had asked him about the SRT, which was amazing in what it let him do, both in ascending and descending, and he had just grinned.

“What it is, Enfys, is that I am not really a climber. I prefer caving; lots of SRT in that”

Dad had muttered something that sounded like ‘Loony’, and Neil had grinned.

“No, not at all. Some lovely places down below, just takes a bit of a wriggle and a squeeze to get to them”

That was bad enough, but he hadn’t stopped there.

“Course, I have a special waterproof one with extra padding, for the diving”

Stupidly, I bit.

“Supposed to be good diving off Trearddur”

A roar of laughter.

“No, love! In the caves!”

When I found out what he meant, I realised I had found a very hard limit to what I was willing to try.

No. Just no.

June brought another new experience that wasn’t quite as bad as cave diving, but was still unnerving, and that was a practice exam in each of my subjects. They weren’t formal ‘mock’ exams, but our teachers did their best with separate desks and watched clocks to get the idea across. That was the week I started questioning my dreams of a career; I had the following year’s studies to get through, then two years of my A-levels, and then at least three years of university, and all of a sudden, I was doubting my ability to cope.

Oddly, it was Mrs Preece who picked me up, taking me to a private room for a few minutes of coaching in exam technique, which made me see that she was actually a decent teacher, despite her bitchiness towards my lover.

“Enfys, there is a structure to each exam. We try and make our mocks as close to the real thing as we can, in that structure. First thing you can do is to break down the time available…”

Slowly and carefully, she talked me through pacing and how to open an answer. I caught on quite quickly at her advice for the narrative tests, which was to put something down straight away, even if it was a restatement of the question, as that turned an intimidating sheet of blankness into something with the start of an answer on it, but I was confused by her pacing advice.

“Miss, I don’t understand that bit. When you add up those chunks of time, it comes to less than the final time limit”

“Enfys, two things. The second is that it gives you time to read through your answers, and trust me, there will be things you’ve got wrong, like spelling mistakes, or bad handwriting. The first is simply doing what I told you to do at the very beginning: read the question. More than once. Make sure you are answering the question, or that you have answered it, and now what you think it asked”

She snorted suddenly, as something tickled her.

“Enfys, define ‘relief’ for me”

“Um, feeling safe, happy almost, when something bad doesn’t happen?”

“Fair enough. I wrote something like that for the same question when I was your age. Trouble was, it was in a Geography exam”

“Um… Oh! I see! So it should have been, er, variation of elevation in a landscape?”

“Textbook answer, Miss Hiatt. See what I mean? Use that extra time to ask yourself questions like that. Do not think, with quarter of an hour to go, that you’re done, because as soon as you walk out, you will think of something stupid you have written, and that’s too late to fix it”

I spoke to Mam about her advice, and she nodded.

“So she’s not just an old witch, then? Don’t be surprised—I have heard what you two say about her. Anyway, she’s spot on, and we have some evening time, and I have downloaded some old papers, and…”

That was my free time vanished, but it all seemed to work, and after a stupidly stressful time, I managed to get through both the ‘mock mocks’ and my self-doubt. In fact, my results shocked me in how good they were. They were handed to each of us at Registration one morning, Mrs Preece simply looking smug as my jaw dropped, but she was still a cow towards Alys. I couldn’t have it all, it seemed.

We broke for that Summer, which meant losing Alys’ parents for their river and castles trip, and what I thought would be a long break of rambling and scrambling with Mam and my girl was immediately scuppered. Mam had Summer School, it seemed, and a lot of that was for what she had earlier described as English catch-up.

That was the first time I used that word I had heard from Steph, used it in anger and actually said it aloud.

Arsebollocks.

We worked, though, the two of us, because it was the peak season for the bunkhouse, and while our duties were never onerous, especially with the two of us working together, it put the brakes on my dreams of warm rock and fair-weather cumulus. I greeted many regulars, of course, and that meant the chance to do some moderately hard stuff, including my first visit to the great slash of the Vivian quarry, where Neil had told me of the infamous drowned car.

Apparently, Neil had claimed, the deep pool at the foot of the quarry has a drowned pinnacle in its centre upon which is balanced the wreckage of an old car. I wondered how much truth that might hold, but I decided that I didn’t fancy actually checking it out—I was still shuddering at his description of crawling through narrow underwater tunnels towing an oxygen cylinder at the end of a rope.

Still no.

So I got my climbing, and Alys was given a real surprise when a team of students turned up for a fortnight, for a mapping project. I was used to the geology students, who always wanted to map Cwm Idwal, but these boys were botanists, and their area of work was up the Ogwen River behind the caravan park and onto the edge of the slate quarry. It wasn’t my idea of the most scenic spot to spend several days, but Alys was almost ecstatic.

“Remember when we went to that bus top quarry place, Enfys? What I said about the way the plants were coming back? Well there’s soe of that, and there’s some woodland, and then the river and…”

She had followed her rhapsody with a list of worts and birds and mosses, and I simply let her carry on, until she mentioned dippers.

“That’s a special memory, love”

She grinned, in a very soppy way.

“Keep calling me that! What memory?”

“I was very little, and Mam and Dad took me to the Fairy Bridge under the road. Up by Idwal, yeah? And where the water is coming out of the lake, just starting to build up speed over the rocks, but before the falls? I saw one there. Just walking over the rocks, then straight down under the water, still walking, and I wanted to throw it a bit of my sandwich, but Dad just says, this is where you learn to just sit, be patient, be part of the world”

A softer smile from her.

“Yes. Not making a load of lists and everything like we are doing, you mean? Well, tough! I can still enjoy stuff even when writing a list!”

Happy, happy days.

Her parents were back in the middle of August, and that meant another night with videos and photographs, where Mr Edwards claimed that he needed our help.

“Simple stuff, girls: I need to know which pictures work best, and I especially need choices for front cover, back cover and frontispiece. Then we can sort out the other thing”

I prodded him several times, but he wouldn’t give any more details until we were at the end of the video travelogue.

“What do you all think? Any of them jump out at you?”

Alys waved for attention.

“Can I be cheeky, Dad?”

“Depends on how cheeky you are, love”

“Well, I think there’s one thing that would work well, break up all the castle pictures, and that’s one of Mam’s pictures. Those scallops?”

“Hmmm…”

“What you do is have two pictures on the same page, the other one being the ceiling in that restaurant, the one with all the stained glass?”

“The one in Tours? Interesting idea… Not saying no, but it might work! Nice one, love”

“I just thought the glass was really gorgeous, and that pan was interesting, as you put it”

Dad laughed out loud at that word.

“Alys, love, that word in a climbing guide usually means ‘bloody terrifying’!”

We were clearly coming to the end of the evening, a few empty bottles to sort out for recycling, and Dad was in his own happy place as a result. Not drunk, not even really tipsy, but just relaxed, part of his world, and I asked myself how often he had managed to reach that place in his soul when they had been living in Luton. Mr Edwards was laughing as well.

“Keith, some of the prices were bloody terrifying, but the food was a delight. Sod going to Paris; the waiters were actually friendly as well. Anyway, back to the other thing. Got an offer for you, girls, and it involves the Woodruffs. August bank holiday, just before you go back to school. Weekend away. You two, not us. Steph’n’Geoff will meet you off the train, and they are being amazingly generous”

From her expression, Alys was obviously confused.

“When did this get planned, Dad?”

“Before we went away, love. Enfys, do you still play the whistles your Mam got you?”

I nodded, just as confused as Alys.

“Yes, but I’m a little out of practice since I got my harp”

“That’s the point. You can’t carry a harp on the train, or not easily. You will need sleeping bags and mats, but no tent. And take dancing shoes”

CHAPTER 16
“Got everything? Last chance!”

Dad was shutting the car’s boot as he spoke, so I just nodded and joined Alys in the back seat, her bag already in the back along with our sleeping bags. Dad slipped into the front passenger seat, clicking on his seat belt before turning to us as Mam pulled away.

“Some more advice, information, whatever you want to call it. The train is one we picked because it goes straight through, no changes, so you shouldn’t get lost. Geoff or one of their family will meet you at the station, where there is a car park out the front. Just wait outside the main doors, and don’t wander off. Nansi and me, we’ve sent Steph’n’Geoff a cheque each, so you will have extra cash available for the weekend—don’t waste it! They say the site is really safe, so don’t worry if you get lost; just find somewhere that is easy to spot, and ring. Both got tooth brush and clean knickers? Sun cream? Phasers set to stun?”

Typical Dad. The first part of the month had been a good one, weather-wise, but the season was just starting to break as we left, and our luggage included a full set of waterproofs each that included ‘cagtrousers’ and broad-brimmed hats. Mam drove us with easy familiarity, as the route was basically her daily commute and the station isn’t that far from the University. We found a space by the buffet to offload our luggage, and Mam took the car to find a spot in the parking area as Dad led us into the buffet, where Alys’ parents were waiting. Nansi Edwards was just as direct as my father, laying down a set of rules at a level that was, in my opinion, not quite suitable for someone under ten. It took me a few seconds, thinking back to that advice from Mrs Preece, to ‘read the question, and the answer that came up was simple worry. Mr Edwards was far clearer, going straight to the point over some teas and cakes.

“First big trip for either of you, as independent travellers that is. Stay on the train until Shrewsbury. Keep your tickets safe. Wait at that station for your lift, and confirm who it is before you get in any vehicle. And have fun. We’ll see you back here after the weekend, so we demand some decent pictures. With smiles in them. Now, sup up, and we’ll see you to the platform”

A large rucksack each, together with a rolled sleeping bag, were all we carried. It started to rain just as our train was due, and I watched the skirt flapping about Alys’ knees and hoped she had a pair of trousers as well as her waterproofs. A hug as the train announcements were made bilingually, and we were off.

We didn’t have reserved seats, but it seemed the traffic was all to Wales rather than from it, and we managed to find seats facing across a table, so that we could both see the passing scenery while our legs ‘accidentally’ tangled together underneath.

Some pleasant views of the hills, then right past Conwy castle before Llandudno, followed by what seemed like a never-ending stretch of caravan parks. Alys rubbed my leg with her foot.

“Never, EVER, moving here, love!”

I looked up nervously in case any of the other passengers picked up on that word, but they all seemed to be speaking in English, especially the older woman who couldn’t seem to spend a second without shouting into her phone. I turned my eyes seaward, hoping to see something other than mobile homes, so of course the line cut inland for several miles. Eventually, though, we emerged from some pretty grim stretches of housing to see what looked like a golf course and some grassy dunes--- then yet another caravan park. I was slowly sinking into despair when we emerged onto the very edge of the land, a broad sweep of murky water stretching out across a huge bay—the Dee estuary. Alys perked up, looking to spot birds as we rumbled past the mudflats, then laughing at the very odd sight of what looked like a small ocean liner seemingly sitting on the beach.

Very odd.

There were some small towns next, some factories and what looked like an airport with a couple of old jet fighters next to the railway line, and the estuary vanished behind us as we pulled into Chester, the guard announcing that we had crossed the border. A viaduct over a race course, and then a surprisingly small station. That was when I panicked, as the train pulled away again going backwards. It was only when the guard announced the next ’stations stops’ as Wrecsam, Rhiwabon, Yr Waun, Gobowen and Shrewsbury/Amwythig that I was able to relax. That was also when it really struck me that Alys and I were travelling together, but for the first time on our own. At least until we arrived at Shrewsbury, it was just the two of us, and nobody else. I reached across the table to take her hand, and it was so good, so sweet, and so utterly terrifying. Mam’s words came to me, about so much of me being held by one other person, and of course that mood was broken by the muttering of some horrible woman across the aisle. Alys must have heard her more clearly, for she simply called across to her, “Nothing for us to be ashamed of from us. You, however…”

She followed up by poking her tongue out at the harridan, while lacing her fingers fully into mine, which of course set me to blushing and giggling, simultaneously, and with a humph of indignation, there was a gathering of belongings and a rapid departure for another seat.

My heart was almost leaping from my chest with mingled terror and joy, but Alys just raised her free hand.

“I have my uses. Now, I shall take a moment of peace, please. I wish to peruse the publicity material I have procured”

She couldn’t hold the straight face for long, so after another burst of giggles, she slipped into the seat next to me, and we cuddled together as we used her phone to look up each of the acts listed for the festival and the land outside our window slowly became flatter. It was with some surprise that we heard the announcement for our final station, and we scrambled to grab our rucksacks and bedrolls.

The station looked a little shabby, and the exit was downstairs along a little tunnel, but once outside we could see castle walls towering above the car park. Everything was paved in stone blocks, and we found a space to one side of the wood and glass doors, doing our best to avoid the shifty-looking young men smoking nearby. No sign of Geoff for half an hour, until a Volvo estate stopped in one of the pick-up spaces, and a slim woman in her forties or so walked across the cobbles directly towards us, a broad smile on her face.

“Enfys and Alys?”

After we nodded, the smile became a grin.

“I’m Geoff’s sis-in-law, Jan woodruff! Sorry I was late, but I took a drive out to the supermarket to get some provisions, and the queues… Anyway, most of the others are off on their bikes, the loons, so muggins here ended up with girl-finding duties. I have your tickets here, just as a sort of password, token, not a mad axe murdering cannibal thing”

She showed us some folded strips of cardboard, our names on them, and I looked across at my other half.

“I think that settles it for me, Alys”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Our names not enough?”

“Nope, but the sense of humour is pure Steph’n’Geoff!”

It wasn’t that far to the site, but we had to queue for a short while behind what Jan called ‘late arrivals’. As we sat, she complained in the gentlest of ways.

“We always get here the night before, stop in a cheap hotel and get here for the front of the line. All the others either do the same or come up with their bikes on the train”

She laughed again, freely and easily, and I found myself really liking her style.

“Yet again, it’s muggins here, and Geoff’s brother, we get to carry all their tents and put the buggers up ready! Even this tank ends up overflowing with kit, I tell you”

Something jumped out from the flow of chatter.

“When you said ‘all the others’, who did you mean, Jan? All we’ were told about was the four of you”

“Ah! Well, the Hairy Horror and her man, his brother and me. Then there’s our daughter and her fella, plus the Johnsons and their boy, and his girl”

Alys was squeezing my hand rather painfully as we sat in the back seats, and something in her expression must have caught Jan’s attention as she looked at us in her mirror.

“Alys?”

Her voice was shaky.

“Yes?”

“Not a problem, love. No threats, okay? You will understand when we get there, but please, for now, just trust me. All safe, everyone and everything”

I turned to my girl, switching languages.

“Together, love. You faced down that cow on the train. Our friends wouldn’t put us anywhere risky. Two together, yes?”

She nodded, her grip on my hand tightening once more.

“Stay with me, love”

“Always”

Jan sat in silence, and much more patiently than she had done for the other drivers, until at last we were through the ticket checks at the gate and rolling up a narrow tarmac road, where she started talking once more.

“We always used to camp off to the right, but that stopped being a quiet area and turned into a morris dancer ghetto, so we are down here by the river now. I am not doing it twice, so we will make all the introductions once we are there. There is nobody at all that doesn’t understand, Alys, so please don’t worry. Right; here we are. You two have one of the rooms in the big tent”

Big? It was huge, complete with a dining room affair at one end. We collected our baggage from the boot, and after a coughed hint from Jan, gave her a hand offloading food and other supplies from the car as well, before we settled into our ‘bedroom’ and laid out our mats and bags. The weather was brighter than it had been in Bangor, but there was still an edge to the wind, and I looked at Alys’ bare knees in an obvious hint. As she grinned and shook her head, Jan called out, “If you two drink tea, it’s brewing!”

We settled into some camping chairs, a steaming mug for each of us, and Jan began her explanation and in absentio introductions.

“Right, our little crowd. You know two of us already, three if I’m now included. Geoff’s older brother, Bill, he’s mine. We have a daughter, Kelly, and her fiancé Mark. They’re up at Newcastle doing their Master’s, so they’re down in that car the other side of this tent. That is my side of things. There is another family with us, and two of them are off with Steph and Geoff on a bike ride, so they’ll be sweaty and off for a shower in a few. The other family are the Johnsons, that’s Eric and Annie and their boy Darren, plus his girlfriend Chantelle.

“Now, I know full well that you are aware of Steph’s history. All you need to know about Annie is that she has a similar history, just a rather shittier past, as have the two kids. They understand, Alys”

She grinned once more.

“And yes, we can be a bit fruity in our language! Now, they should all be back soon, both the lot wandering round the craft shops and the nutters out sweating. Speaking of which…”

There was a whoosh as the zip went up, and then Steph was with us, pulling a Welsh flag headband off and gleaming with sweat.

“Hiya! Tea, now, wench!”

Jan looked up, unruffled.

“Which wench in particular?”

Alys was just sitting quietly, so I made the obvious mock-subservient “Yes’m!” and went to the pot to sort a mug out, as three more people followed Steph into the dining area. Steph raised a lazy arm towards them as she grabbed a seat and then the mug I handed her.

“Enfys, some bloke we both know, Annie and Eric. Three more teas, as you are now duty wench”

I did as asked before turning back to the table. The other two were a small man about the size of Geoff, and a dark-haired woman who was also about their size. I caught her looking from me to Alys and back, and then she smiled, and I felt my remaining doubts evaporating. These were good people, my gut was insisting, and my mind joined in chorus: would Steph’n’Geoff ever betray me? Geoff himself stepped over to me for a hug.

“Pardon sweatiness! We’ll be off for a shower in a few. Tea first, aye? I’ll let these two introduce themselves”

Jan was shaking her head.

“I do not believe this lot. Sit on a train all morning with their bikes, and the first thing they do when they get here is go off for a ride”

The dark-haired woman raised a hand to interrupt.

“Excuse me, but when you’ve been sat on a train all morning, a ride out is the FIRST thing you need, aye?”

She turned to me and Alys, her smile still in place.

“They’ll just take the piss out of each other all day. I’m Annie, and this is Eric, in case you missed it in all said piss-taking. Alys and Enfys, aye?”

Alys waved, and spoke for the first time in what seemed like ages, but Annie started waving her arms and shaking her head.

“No, not me, sorry. Only English. Anyway, once this tea is necked, we are off to shower and change. I spotted the others headed this way as we rode in, so The Edifice is going to get busy”

Alys frowned.

“Edifice?”

“Steph’s name for this tent. Got a practice session at four, so I hope you’ve brought something to play tunes with”

She took another look outside the tent, shaking her head.

“And bloody waterproofs. Arsebollocks!”

CHAPTER 17
I couldn’t help giggling at her swearing, remembering Steph’s use of the same word, as well as its eruption from my own lips. I looked out over Annie’s shoulder, and yes, it was raining again.

“Annie?”

“Aye?”

“Practice session, you said. What do you mean?”

“Oh, something Steph says hooked her first time she came here. There’s a big session on the last night, aye? The festival, or people who work with them, they do a tune book, and organise some confidence-builders. Helps include people who might feel a little nervous, and the first one is at four. What do you play?”

That struck me, the automatic assumption that everyone she met shared her interests. It wasn’t anything nasty; I could clearly see that music was her passion, and it wasn’t that she was contemptuous of those who didn’t or couldn’t understand, but rather that she had a blind spot for them. I shrugged.

“I’m a harpist, but that’s not something I can easily drag on a train. Got some whistles instead. Alys is a drummer”

Annie called past me, “Jan? Got some time to show Alys your axe while we do the shower thing?”

Jan nodded, and with a mutter from Annie of “Getting wet twice. Arsebollocks”, they were off, as Jan showed a small drum to my love. There was a long explanation of how it worked (It’s a drum! You hit it with something!), and then the tent zip went again as four younger people entered, shaking the rain off their jackets. One tall boy with seriously red hair, a younger one with very pale skin and restless eyes, a stunningly pretty brunette and a smiling blonde in a pink fleece, pink waterproof jacket, pink laces and probably pink knickers and bra. The last gave Alys and me a quick once-over, then grinned, life dancing in her eyes.

“Hiya! I’m Shan! Which one is Alys?”

My girl’s head rose, her smile returning.

“That’s my name”

“Grab your coat, then. We need a chat”

Alys looked at me for a decision, but what did I know? In the end, she shrugged, and disappeared into the rain with Miss Pinky, as the other three settled into the available chairs and demanded tea. As I was still apparently duty wench, I did the necessaries, and by the time everyone’s tannin and caffeine needs had been addressed, the other four were back with us, accompanied by Alys and Shan. The former settled herself next to me, taking my hand and whispering “Tell you later. Nothing to worry about”

The ‘practice session was fun, and was led by some individuals with a sense of humour that clearly matched our hosts’, and I managed to sight-read the tunes I didn’t know. Jan stayed with Alys, talking her through the finer points of her spare sideways drum device, while Steph stayed amazingly calm with her fiddling, the others joining in on flute, mixed percussion, mandolin, squeezebox and banjo. Kelly had a whistle like my own, and I got quite a few winks as I did my best to follow the dots. An awful lot of people seemed to need to say hello to Steph and Annie for some reason, but I understood why as soon as I heard the first “It’s that ginger nutter”

Back to the Edifice for a meal of stew, and then Steph took me to one side, just as Shan had done with Alys.

“Decision time, Enfys. Lots of decisions, in fact. What we do now, sort of tradition, is a dance, a ceilidh. Are you up for that?”

She chuckled, then continued.

“One thing… years ago, yeah? Me and Geoff had just met, and I am shitting myself, knowing I’m a girl and at the same time knowing that I’m. well, you know. And there’s my Geoff, except he’s not my Geoff just then…”

She looked off into some distance of time and place, then smiled at the clouds.

“Sometimes, Enfys, life hands you a choice, and if you are able, you need to seize it. That was mine, and, well, you can see how it turned out for us. One of these ceilidhs, it was where he proposed to me…”

She drifted away again, then shook her head, coming back to the there and then.

“Practicalities, love. It’s a dance, and what happens in them is that girls dance together. It’s a way of finding a safe partner. It means you two can dance together, and nobody will think it’s weird. Not unless you snog, of course”

Suddenly, she was laughing.

“Sorry, love! Memories. There I am, snogging my man, and someone deadnames me from behind, and it’s only one of my colleagues. Not the best way to come out at work, that”

“Was it a problem?”

“Not at all. People are good, in the main. Those that aren’t can be avoided, or nullified, or…”

A bark of laughter.

“There are other options, Later, maybe. Anyway, time to get moving. Not got to sing, but do got to dance!”

Apart from the usual junior-school silliness, where a couple of teachers had tried to get us to do the Gay Gordons or Circassian Circle, neither of us had done anything in that style before. The first one we tried was a four-couple square, with all of the Woodruffs plus Mark, and Steph made sure that Alys and I were fourth couple, and so last to do each of the various moves. Alys was seriously nervous as we began, but she was laughing out loud by the time we finished the final swing, using a hand and waist grip that Geoff had taught us both. We avoided ‘snogging’, and just as Steph had promised, there were other pairs of girls and women dancing. I could see why the rest of our group loved it.

After we had worn ourselves down, it was off to a huge marquee for a series of professional acts, some of which weren’t really to my taste, but then I had the wonderful distraction of Alys pressed against me as we sat in the middle of a long row of chairs, the others screening us to each side. The evening finished with a much more lively ‘session’ in a big bar, where both Steph and Annie were much less restrained than they had been in the afternoon. I suspected that their exuberance was only partly explained by the beer they consumed; I was used to Steph’s wildness, but in Annie, she really seemed to have found a soul mate. All she needed to do, I thought, would be to stand on one--- Oh.

Absolutely barking, even more so than the redhead. Eventually, possibly out of some respect for our youth, we returned to the huge tent and our beds, where someone had zipped our sleeping bags together.

Oh.

I changed into some lightweight fleece trousers and a T-shirt, Alys wearing much the same, and after I had done all the necessary washing and brushing, we slipped into our nest. This time, I found my head resting on Alys’ shoulder, an arm across her chest as we settled down to the sound of light rain on the flysheet.

“Enfys?”

“That’s my name”

“Serious for a bit, please. You thinking this is all a set-up?”

“A bloody nice one if it is. No complaints from me, so far”

“Nor me. Just a lot of things are… It’s all very convenient. You know that Annie is trans? Darren’s adopted?”

“I’d guessed the first bit, and the seconds would follow, I suppose”

“Yeah. I think Steph wanted me to see some others like I am, being happy in life. Being lucky”

“And?”

“There’s more. A lot more. Shan, she told me a lot of things when we had that chat, but I think there’s an awful lot they haven’t said, any of them. Darren, for example. He’s got what Dad calls ‘copper’s eyes’, always looking around him, never still. You watch him tomorrow”

“Today now, love”

“Be serious. Anyway, that Shan. It’s all part of the set-up, I think, because what we talked about were her parents, she’s adopted too, and a couple of friends from Carmarthen. She’s got two Mams, she said, and the other couple, they’re both women, and they’ve got their own kids, not adopted. All the adults, they’re all lesbians”

I gave her a squeeze.

“Just like us, then. That’s what we are. All they’re doing is like we said about Annie, letting us see people like us. Happy people like us”

She drew a long, sighing breath.

“Enfys?”

“Um?”

“What if I don’t want to be a lesbian?”

She felt me start to pull away, and drew me back into her arms.

“No! Not what I meant! Look, let me speak, just listen, please”

“Look and listen?”

“Serious! Please”

“Okay. I promise”

“Right. You know what I am”

“A girl I love”

“Thank you. I know I’m a girl. Always have known. People told me I was a boy, so I had to keep telling them they were wrong, and finally Mam and Dad listened, and you know the rest. I’m still wrong, though. I see that every time I undress, and it’s… I thought I was mad, at first. Sick in the head. So I started one of those balance sheet things, whatever they call them. Pros and cons, for and against. List all the things I do, that I feel, and write what girls think and do and feel next to mine, see if they match up. And girls fancy boys, just like Sali and the others at school, all of them, even the ones who hang around with Ifor Idiot. Our parents. Our teachers. My shrink. If I’m a girl, I’m thinking, why don’t I dream like girls do, about boys? So, all the time, I’m asking myself, is this real? Am I actually just like that lecturer at that college says, a perve trying to get to real girls by lying?”

I reached up to stroke her cheek, and of course it was wet.

“Is that what you think you are, love?”

“What do you think I am, Enfys?”

“The girl I love, growing into the woman I will love just as much”

“Not real, though. That’s what I’ve been thinking. That’s what I think Mam spotted, when we came back from the shrink the last couple of times. He is so insistent, Enfys: real girls are straight girls”

I moved upwards, just a little, so could kiss her tears away.

“You feel real to me, love”

She turned her head towards me and kissed me softly on the mouth.

“Don’t drop me, Enfys. I would break again”

CHAPTER 18
What could I do but hold her? Eventually, she slipped off, well before I did, which was probably because I was so worried. I managed some sleep, Alys warm beside me, and it wasn’t until I saw and felt the warmth of sunlight through the tent that I realised I had actually slept for more than a few minutes. It was indeed sunny, the rain having ceased in the night, and it was surprisingly warm; when I struggled out for an urgent toilet run, some of the tents around us were actually steaming as they dried.

I hadn’t had much time to say good morning to anyone, or even to pay much attention to them, but on my return I saw Jan and Kelly stirring beans and rotating sausages, as a Full English (deferring to the two of them) took shape. Shan entered just as I settled down with a mug of tea from an equally dishevelled Alys, and the blonde girl flashed me one of her penetrating stares, and then shook her head slightly and found a smile for me.

“Kelly, they going off on their bikes again? Annie and them?”

That girl shrugged.

“S’pose so. Doubt it will be that far today; got a session at twelve, and no way are they going to skip brekkie”

“Right. Time for a walk round the stalls, then? With the girls? Might find Enfys something a bit less boring than trackie bottoms”

I prickled a little at that one.

“Oy! These are Ron Hill Tracksters, not just track suit bottoms. Anyway, I wore them for sleeping in”

“Not for the whole of yesterday as well?”

“They were a different pair!”

“Pah! You’re worse than Mum Ginny. Brekky, then, and shopping. Daz will be up in a few, as soon as he smells bacon. Got plates an’ stuff all sorted, Kelly? Want a hand?”

The darker girl nodded.

“Set them for us please, love. Pass me that bacon and I’ll get the alarm clock going”

Alys and I gave Shan a hand, and then found a couple of camping chairs with our mugs warm with tea as the others filed in, four of them in cycling kit. Clearly mad, all of them; I mean, I rode a bike, and I enjoyed it, but that was mainly for getting about. Taking one on a music weekend just so you could go for a ride offsite---no.

I spent some time watching all of them, especially Annie and Eric. I was used to the casual collision of arms and legs that was Steph’n’Geoff, but the equivalent between Annie and Eric was far more tender. Kelly spent her time teasing Mark, as her mother and father poked fun at each other, Darren and Chantelle seemed permanently smug, but Annie and her man just seemed to be joined at the hip and the gaze. The one word that did fit, I finally realised after a long search of my own English vocabulary, was ‘serene’. I was beginning to understand how calculatedly that weekend had been planned.

A last wipe of bread across a plate, a shouted promise to do the dishes at teatime, and the cyclists were off. Jan shook her head, then turned to Mark.

“Your grandad? Will I need to cook for him as well tonight?”

The young man nodded.

“Aye. He should be with us by two, he said. He’s sleeping in the van”

“Fine. I got enough in yesterday, so we’re sorted. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“Didn’t do it last night, cause it was our treat, but I have cash for you both, from your parents. Don’t spend it all on T-shirts or silly hats”

Half an hour later, and four of us were wandering around a collection of little tents, many with racks of clothing outside, while avoiding a large number of children either learning circus skills or trying to ride outlandish bicycle-based devices, and usually falling off. A small dance floor under a tent was host to a number of morris sides and other dance groups, some of which wore clogs, so the noise level was ramping up, right up to the moment Alys handed me a long skirt with the words “Try this on and see how it looks!”

Shan was chuckling, and when I turned to her, she started laughing out loud, before waving a hand at us.

“Sorry, yeah, but, like, it was my Mums and Annie, stuff from here, first time we came”

She paused for a moment to control her breathing, but despite the laughter, there was a hint of waiting tears. The smile that followed her apology was a wistful one.

“First time, yeah? Mums and her, they got me pressies, and one was a skirt like that. Other was shoes like those”

She pointed over to the dance floor stage thing, as some clog dancers rattled off a rapid series of hammer blows, and grinned again.

“Yeah, was clogs, like Kelly does. Can’t play no instruments, like, but Kel’s taught me some steps, and it’s fun. Annie…”

Once more, that hint of tears followed by a smile.

“Rebirthday. Happy rebirthday, that’s what Annie called it”

Darren hugged her, turning to me.

“Yeah, all of us, rebirthdays. I know Shan’s had a chat with Alys, so not going to say no more.”

I looked at my love, to receive a shake of the head and the words, “Later, maybe”. I looked down at the skirt once more, then up at Alys and Shan, and of course I bought the thing. We carried on around the stalls, where Alys found a multi-coloured handbag on a long strap plus some dangly earrings, but to be honest, I wasn’t really in a ‘shopping’ frame of mind; it was enough just to be out in the sunshine seeing her smile. We ended up in a long wooden building, where Shan bought a round of glasses of orange squash made up with lemonade, the bubbles helping to cut through the lingering mouthfeel of grease from our breakfast, and then we were heading back to the Edifice. I was watching Alys redistributing her stuff into her new bag, which included her old bag, while thinking ‘What’s wrong with a rucksack’, when she stopped dead, letting the other two get a little distance ahead.

“What you need to know, Enfys, is what happened to Shan. It was abuse. Rape. Lots of it”

“What? I mean….”

“No. All you need to know, love. Just stuff to avoid bringing up. I could see what you were thinking, and it’s not all a set-up. You think they’re all too good to be true, but they’re just survivors, Don’t know about Jan, think she’s just good people, but the others have all had problems. Annie used to lock Darren up”

“Sorry?”

She grinned, almost freely, but not quite.

“Annie’s police. Darren was a thief. Long story. Anyway, you know where not to go now”

As I nodded, another memory struck me, so I called out to the other two that we would be along in a few minutes, then turned back to Alys.

“Something you said last night, Alys. What did you mean?”

I had worried about that one word all morning, and it was the main thing that had kept me awake all night, or what had seemed like it. She did her best to look puzzled.

“What did I mean by what, Enfys?”

“That you would break. ‘Break again’, that’s what you said”

I was suddenly seeing Shan’s face in hers, the forced smile hiding tears, but she couldn’t manage it, and I watched as her body slipped into that old and stooped posture from years before. Her voice was soft, as it had been the night of that first phone call, our first confessions to one another.

“Was when I finished junior school, love. Had had enough…”

There was a disabled loo near us, someone just stepping out, so before the door could shut, I pulled Alys in and sat her on the toilet before her legs gave way, but not before her tears had started, hot on my breast as I held her to me. It was a couple of minutes before she calmed enough to speak, and then her voice stayed so faint I had to struggle to hear her. At least her fingers had ceased to dig into my back with her sobbing.

“I wasn’t sure you’d heard. It was… It wasn’t good in school. Always followed at playtime, always called names and hit. Never let me be myself. I tried…”

She pulled a little away from me, looking up into my eyes.

“I tried telling Mam, when I was really little. She said I was being silly. So I kept telling her, and then I read some stuff about other girls, and I told her that, and… It was no good. All I could see was more school, with the bigger kids, more nastiness, and then… Then I started with a few hairs, one on my chest, and I was old enough to understand what that meant”

She drew a longer breath.

“You’ve not really spoken with Steph, love. Things we shared yesterday… They’re things we’ve really shared, Enfys. They had to wash me out, last week of junior school. That’s when Mam listened at last. They had a doctor who let me talk, who understood what I was, who listened. That’s when Mam said she wasn’t going to be blind anymore. Sounds easy, doesn’t it?”

I nodded, and her mouth twisted.

“Mam loves me, I know that now, and I know, now, that she believes me, but, you know? It was Dad, he was the one who pushed it. Typical of him, it is. Said that if something needed doing, it needed doing right, so he was the one who did all the research, found the right people to speak to. Even took me to England for the weekend, the three of us. Social weekend, charity called Mermaids. Just other families, all with someone like me, and we can pick our own names and that for the weekend, see how they fit, see if it’s right for us, and it’s when Mam really gets on my side”

“she’s always been on your side, love”

“Enfys, she’s always been on the side of someone she thought was me. Now, she’s on mine”

Another long sigh.

“That’s what I meant about ‘again’, love. You won’t, though, will you? Drop me?”

“Never”

“I think… I know I can trust you, my love, but there will be people, and not just Ifor and the others, and… sod it. You’ll have water in that bag; I know you”

“You should know me”

“Aye. Let me have the water so I can wash my face, please. Then we have a session to play, and music, and other stuff, and… Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“Dance with me again, tonight”

CHAPTER 19
The rest of our time at Shrewsbury went along the same path, with some decent music, a lot of dancing and some steadily more intense practice sessions. Mark’s grandfather, Mr Kerr, had turned up on schedule, which meant a lot of hugs and kisses from most of what was now our group, plus some initial confusion on my part when he made some noises with his lips and tongue that I assumed were meant to convey some sort of message, at which point Steph simply slapped his arm.

“Jimmy, behave! Enfys, he does it deliberately”

When I managed to stop laughing, I nodded through the remaining giggles.

“I know! I remember him coming to the Cow once. The Folk Club. Year or so ago?”

The old man raised an eyebrow, speaking with an odd precision as if trying to make himself understandable for a foreigner, which I suppose I actually was.

“Aye, pet. Ah’ve been gannin’ there for a few yors noo. Some ginger lass’s borthday it wes, forst time. That reet, Steph?”

She pointed over to Jan and Bill.

“I think it was their doing, but aye. Yes. How many sets, Jimmy?”

“Whey, me and the lad hev a couple on, this eftor and same time the morra”

“It’s the first time here for Enfys and Alys, but they both play”

“Aye, I mind. Not brought your harp then, lass?”

It was all so obviously a game he was playing, a stage act of sorts, but I could feel no malice. This was a very sharp man, clearly with an excellent memory.

“No, Mr Kerr”

“Jimmy, pet. We’re aal musicians here, so none of that silliness”

“Thank you. Alys is a drummer, so Jan has sorted her out with one of hers. I’ve brought some whistles. Bit of a pain dragging a harp about”

“Aye, ah owe. Same as those cellos. Whey, Ah sees these lads, geet big hard cases on their backs, and Ah sez, ‘How, Ah fund a really easy way to carry MY cello roond’, and when they asks what it is Ah just tells them Ah play fiddle instead”

Sometimes, just occasionally, I met someone I couldn’t help liking from the first moment.

“What do they say back, Jimmy?”

“Various things, pet, some of which are a bit rude, but that’s their aan fault for picking something as big as a cello. Or a harp”

A real twinkle, and then he held out his mug for a refill. Seamless, they all were, as an extended family. I shook my head, catching a wink from Steph, and as I did Duty Wench once more, she whispered in my ear.

“What I thought when I first met this lot love—I didn’t know what it was, but I wanted in on it”

She raised her voice again.

“Bill, done the plotting for the rest of the weekend? Don’t say you haven’t, because you’re no good at lying”

“I never lie!”

“As I said, you’re no good at it”

“I’d get away with it if it wasn’t for those pesky kids… Ah. Got the list here”

He rattled off some names of groups, a couple of which I recognised, but most of which were new to me, one of which was a name that brought a very shocked sound from my girl.

“What’s HE doing here?”

Bill lowered his little sheet of paper.

“Who?”

“That horrible racist pig!”

Bill looked absolutely unruffled, then I realised that Steph was almost turning purple with laughter, Annie seeming almost as amused. The policewoman started prodding her husband, whose eyes suddenly widened, and then he too was choking back laughter before putting a hand to Alys’ arm.

“No, love! Tom Robinson, not Tommy!”

Alys shook her head.

“Bill said ‘Tommy’, Eric! I’m sure he did!”

Jan sighed.

“You are how old exactly, Woodruff mine?”

An eyebrow went up.

“I may perhaps have teased a little. Alys?”

“Yes?”

“Two different people, okay? This Tom Robinson had a big hit with a song called ‘Glad to be Gay’. I always wonder how many Nazis might have turned up for one of his gigs and been a little confused”

Once the laughter had settled, I found Kelly looking over at me, nodding.

“Yes. He IS always this bad. Why do you think Steph fits in so well?”

They dragged us straight out at that point, Alys still fuming over Bill’s teasing, and we got through another practice session. The weather was staying dry for the day, so I was in my Tracksters and a T-shirt, Alys a summer dress, and we worked our way through the practices session, a spicy noodle lunch and a couple of the afternoon acts, including Jimmy and Mark, before the ritual of a pot meal of curry and naan and an attempt to dominate the dance floor. I may have been getting used to the dancing, but I felt I would never tire of being so close to her in public. The playing by my two new friends was quite wonderful, the dancing was all I wanted, the curry wasn’t too spicy, and Tom Robinson turned out to be brilliant.

He wasn’t an instrumental virtuoso, I thought in my arrogance, and his voice wasn’t exceptional, but his words, and the passion he brought to them, seized my attention immediately. I left the marquee shaking; Jan saw my distress even before Alys, and laid an arm over my shoulders.

“Lots of history there, Enfys. Things that went on before you were born, official bigotry, laws to… This family knows what that sort of thing did to people, so if you need to take a break, if you just want to go back to the tent, I’m happy to come with you”

I looked across to my love, and she was in much the same state as I was, and I kicked myself at my failure to notice. I raised an eyebrow, and Alys shook her head firmly.

“No. Not doing that. Supposed to be a couple of the headliners on tonight, and it wouldn’t be fair. Jan?”

“Yup?”

“We can cope. Not exactly on our own, are we?”

“Glad you spotted that bit. Now, tonight is one of Steph’s favourites, and the lead singer’s Welsh. And no, he doesn’t, apart from some lines in one song. Sing in Welsh”

Alys clung to me again, which was safe in the darkness of the concert tent, and yes, the Oysterband were very good, but I didn’t see how much Steph was enjoying ‘one of her favourites’ as she was off down the front with every member of our group except Bill and Jan. The concert ended with the band coming off stage into the audience, singing a song called something like ‘Put Out The Lights’, with lines that included “The dark is warm, let me take you in my arms”, and of course there was nothing else I could do but reach out for Alys and do just that.

She was far more relaxed that night, and I was just drifting off to sleep when she whispered my name.

“Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“It sort of makes sense now. Stuff. Us”

“What do you mean?”

“I think it was deliberate, our parents and that. With Steph, all this lot. No shame, is there?”

“Why do you say ‘shame’, love?”

“Ah, it’s me, isn’t it? Not normal, not even straight. Not just queer, but QUEER, aren’t I?”

“You thought that?”

“Part of being the way I am, Enfys. Can’t really think any other way. That’s what all the scheming was about for us, I think. Show us… No. Let us live with people who are just as queer, and see that they aren’t queer at all. Been talking to all of them, I have. Darren and Shan mostly. They have… Not tonight. Not nice stories, either of them, but both of them talked about Annie, how she and Eric got together, and Shan told all sorts of silliness about her Mams, and that was the thing”

She wriggled away towards me, so that she was spooning me, her mouth just behind my ear, and continued her whisper.

“They’re all the same, love. All Mams, Jan, Annie, Shan’s Ginny and Kate, and they’re all different but still just the same. Still mothers. Nobody… Nobody worth caring about sees anything different in them. That’s what our parents wanted us to see, I think”

I took a slow breath.

“Is that the sort of thing you want, Alys? To be a mother?”

Her own sigh tickled the side of my neck.

“I don’t know, Enfys. Not really had time to think about that; too busy getting used to being me in public. Not used to being a lesbian yet, am I?”

Another long sigh.

“Settle down. Busy day tomorrow, and I want to do a lot more dancing. And there’s a traditional Welsh dance workshop at nine, so we need sleep”

That evening seemed to have broken a dam somewhere inside her, and her sleep was a lot more settled than it had been that first night. The next day was actually fun, especially as she was laughing most of the time, but she insisted I needed to be in a skirt for the dancing because the workshop title included the word ‘traditional’. I countered with a perfectly rational argument about that word being the very last one that could fairly be described to any of our group, but she insisted, so skirt it was. She seemed to have packed quite a number of them.

Our weekend finished early on the Tuesday morning, after a prolonged musical session in that long bar, where half the room seemed to know either Steph or Annie or both, and if one moment could sum it up, it would be a set of tunes I had picked up at the practices: Blarney Pilgrim, Lark in the Morning and Banish Misfortune, all jigs, all Irish, all played JUST slow enough to allow some slightly less confident people (like myself) to join in. Jimmy and Steph were on fiddles, Annie on her flute, Mark on some bagpipe things, Eric and Geoff on stringed things, Bill on a squeezebox and Jan, Alys and Darren on the drum things, while Shan and Kelly clog-danced in the middle of our group. Every type of instrument known to man seemed to be wrapped round us and joining in, from tubas (two, no less) through fiddles and mandolins to ukuleles and a single harp I later learned was carbon fibre rather than wood.

It felt like the whole world was involved in the music, and if anything else hadn’t made it clear, this was why our host family came to the event every year.

Sod normality, I decided, there and then. Alys and I were allowed a couple of glasses of wine, just enough to make us feel relaxed, and the morning sunlight was a surprise, which wasn’t the case for my real sense of regret at having to leave both festival and friends.

We spent quite a while making sure all phone

Numbers had been shared and confirmed, before helping to strike the tents, pack away our belongings, which now included several signed CDs, and then Kelly and Mark drove the two of us to the station for our train home.

I wasn’t surprised by the change in direction at Chester this time, and when we came to the miles of dreary caravan parks, we simply pretended they weren’t there by working through the Metro’s cryptic crossword until we reached Conwy.

Neither of us, aptly, had a clue about how cryptic crosswords worked, which was the main point of things. We got about a third completed, probably incorrectly, before giving up and watching the hills pass on the run-in to Bangor.

My Dad was waiting, looking slightly worried, but our smiles on seeing him weren’t feigned in any way.

We were home, in so many ways.

CHAPTER 20
As we made our way through the traffic for the road back to the hills, Dad was chatting over his shoulder, eyes still on the road.

“So how was it then? Steph stay sane?”

Alys looked sharply at me, so I let her answer.

“Did you know who else was going to be there, Mr Hiatt?”

He nodded, still without turning.

“You mean her friend Annie, don’t you?”

“Yes. And no, not really. The girl. Shan”

“What did you think of her?”

Alys looked at me, a furrow between her eyes.

“We had a chat, without Enfys there. I’ve had it easy, haven’t I? That’s what you wanted me to see. That and what she was saying about having two mothers; that bit was for both of us”

Dad sounded a little puzzled.

“I thought… I don’t know what you mean about other stuff, but yes, Steph did mention she had two mothers. She said nothing about any other stuff. What was it?”

Alys looked at me, shaking her head as she replied to Dad.

“Not really something I can talk about, Mr Hiatt. Just say that she had a really, really bad few years when she was younger. Same with her boyfriend. Lesson for me in counting my blessings, and then, well, it gets better. One big lesson…”

She took my hand, her palm a little sweaty.

“She showed me that things get better, as long as you have one thing, and that’s friends and family and that, people who care. And then it’s the thing they call paying it forward. Stretching down to help someone up, so if you find someone who doesn’t have the friends and stuff, you just try and be there for them yourself”

Dad suddenly laughed out loud, before apologising.

“Sorry, girls, not laughing at you. It’s simply that hearing you talk like that makes me realise that my daughter actually has some decent skills at reading people. She’s picked a girlfriend who can see clearly what’s important in life”

He gave an evil cackle.

“Our work is done, ha ha! The breakdown of traditional British values is now assured!”

No wonder he got on so well with the Woodruffs.

We dropped Alys off at her place, and then dumped my stuff back at ours before Dad asked if I would mind giving him a hand turning some of the bunkhouse mattresses. Bu the time I got to bed that night, I was drained, and after a late-night chat with Alys, I settled down to the strange feeling of a real bed rather than a sleeping bag on a camping mat. The next day was another one spent catching up on small jobs in the Bunkhouse, as well as downloading all the pictures I had snapped on my phone and little camera. That was another lesson in what happens when you leave your kit with friends, as there were more than a few pictures I not only couldn’t remember taking, but would actually have been impossible for me to do so, as I was in them; as those were mostly of me with Alys, she was equally innocent of the sneakiness. I kicked myself mentally, for I had no excuses. I had already known two of that gang, so the behaviour of the rest of them should have left no surprises.

It was more than just mischief, though, but that Woodruff/Johnson extended family thing again; they didn’t ask permission when they saw something that would be appreciated by another of their in-crowd, and they were absolutely right. I picked one of the nicest ones, zooming in on our faces as we danced together, and mailed it to Enfys before settling down that night.

We still had a few days before the start of the new school year, and once again Dad knew one of the regulars was looking for a climbing partner, so I ended up seeing some less familiar rock. It came as a real shock after so many outings to crags that were nearly at the roadside to find myself with a full hillwalking rig on the long trek round to Craig yr Ysfa, starting with a walk up that horrible CEGB road again before crossing Bwlch Eryl Farchog for the slither down to the base of the crag. I could hear Dad’s voice in my head every step of the way: proper mountaineering route, yadda yadda, teach me what taking a group out is really like, yadda yadda, not just out door gymnastics for once, yadda yadda, and of course he would have been going on and on about the ‘whole of the mountain’ and using English words like ‘holistic’.

A trudge is still a trudge. The crag is nearly a thousand feet high in terms of climbable rock, and the ‘classic’ route is called Amphitheatre Buttress, topping out on the ridgeline that leads to the summit of Carnedd Llewelyn. It certainly wasn’t as accessible as Bus Stop Quarry, and I was sweating buckets by the time we got to the gearing-up spot. Vernon, Dad’s customer, was grinning happily through his beard, so before he could start channelling Dad’s Mountain Wisdom I put hm on the spot.

“You done this one before?”

“Nope!”

Oh.

“How do you want to split it up? You lead, me, or alternate?”

“Well, see how it goes. Might get knackered and need to bivvy the night on a ledge. Long route, this one!”

I caught the twinkle just in time, as he added “I have, but not for ages!”, but I was less settled when I saw his rack, which was as old as the hill itself.

“Are those home-made?”

“No, love. Just well-loved. Can’t find many Whitworth nuts these days, but this stuff was out before Hexentrics, and it’s not failed me yet”

“But… how old’s the tape they’re on? And how’s it fastened?”

“Tape knots, love. Traditional way, that is. Stopped carrying pockets full of pebbles, though; bit too trad, that, even for me”

Arsebollocks, I thought, the only word that seemed adequate. Thank you, Steph and Annie, for the necessary vocabulary in my hour of need. We roped up, I set my ground anchor, pressed at least some runners younger than I was onto Vernon, and he ambled off up the first of a series of slabs. What seemed like a couple of hundred metres later and we were still ambling up easy stuff, Vernon surprising in the economy of his movements. He didn’t place many runners, but they were all bomb-proof, and a couple of them were frankly devious in their arrangement. No camming devices at all, not even a simple Hex, but solid and reassuring in their workmanlike solidity. Another lesson learnt, and another to follow, as he let me lead a polished groove he said was the crux, and I found myself on what seemed like an ordinary walker’s track.

“Is that it? We done the whole thing?”

“Nope. Time for a bit of a rest and a cuppa with it, love. Best bit’s above; this is where we get to sit for a while and just enjoy the place”

He settled his sack carefully onto an outcrop, and I was amused to see him tie it down with a sling.

“Not going all the way back down, love! Had that happen once—never again. You take sugar?”

We sat in the August sun, sipping, both of us perched on our survival bags to keep our backsides dry, the warmth driving out some of the slight chill of the North-facing crag’s shade we had worked our way through on the way up, and Vernon sighed.

“Your Dad tells me you want to do expedition stuff, looking after people in the hills”

“Not quite. Adventure sports science, to be exact”

“Ah, well. They all say that, and what they mean is ‘any excuse to be out on the hill’, or maybe ‘and get paid for it as well’, am I right?”

I couldn’t really deny that, so just grinned, and he nodded again, eyes gazing out over the sweep of Cwm Eigiau.

“This place reminds me of another wild spot, up in Scotland. Place called Glen Etive, and a hill called something Gaelic about oystercatchers. Granite slabs, love. Really committing stuff, almost no runners, and just about enough of a slope to tempt you to climb on friction and hope. Best bit, though, is the run-out between some stances. No gear”

“What happens if you fall off?”

He laughed out loud at that.

“Depends on who you are! Most of us, you leave half your skin behind as you bounce a couple of hundred feet. One lad, though, he just jumps up and runs down as fast as he can”

A pause.

“That’s The Villain for you! I still won’t wear one of his sodding castration rigs though. Bloody Whillans harness, no ta. There’s trad, like I said, and then there’s bloody masochistic”

He looked up to what looked like a spire from our position, and smiled again.

“Anyway, Etive Slabs. Not just stances with no runners between them, but ones more than a rope’s length apart. Need to move together, Alpine style”

I shuddered at the thought, suddenly crystalline in my mind: not just having to accept the risk of holding somebody falling up to ninety metres, but having to untie and follow a leader while he was still short of his stance, neither of you attached to anything except each other…

“Right! How do you fancy doing the last bit Alpine-style, love? Just a ridge, this one. If I fall over the edge, you jump over the other side. How much do you weigh?”

That time, I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not.

We packed up our sacks once more, and tackled the final section, which brought us out onto the most gorgeous of knife-edge ridges, far sharper than Crib Goch, and following Vernon’s example, I slipped elegantly across the lovely little traverse, or as elegantly as I could with several coils of rope hanging from the crook of my left elbow. It felt like that first time leading Ivy Chimney, the situation so stunning that it was easy to miss how technically easy the moves were. Vernon did lay his coils over a lump of rock as a nod to a belay, but I realised that if I could have mastered his ‘trad’ head game earlier, soloing the entire route wouldn’t have been beyond me in any other way. We sorted our kit and footwear on the walker’s path to the summit of Llewelyn, and once more I caught him looking at me.

“No, love. Not yet. People die that way. Always respect the hill, because if you don’t… Seen the sky over towards the Kitchen?”

Oh. My jacket was in the bottom of my pack, stupidly, but I rapidly repacked, and by the time we were down the zig-zags to the side of Ffynnon Llugwy, the rain had arrived in a wall of fat, warm drops. I thought of how I would have felt if I had been halfway up that thousand feet of climbing, but solo, and filed Vernon’s point away in my ‘lessons learned’ mental notebook.

It sat with me until I mentioned that to Dad as he said goodnight, and he simply said “Look up Jimmy Jewell for an example. Not tonight, though”

I did as he suggested the nest morning, and felt ill. Descending an ‘easy’ route, easy for him, solo, in trainers. One spot of mud was all it had taken.

Another lesson well and truly hammered home. Its importance was highlighted even more a few days later, when I finished locking my bike up once again at school, and Alys and her smile were waiting for me, for I realised fully that I now had responsibilities beyond my own skin.

CHAPTER 21
It was the start of a much harder year, as we buckled down for the first stage of exams that could have a permanent impact on our ambitions. No O-levels would mean no A-levels; no A-levels would most definitely mean no university, no degree, no opportunities, or at least massively reduced ones. It meant that we had to reduce our social activities, with the added nastiness stemming from the perverse stance of Alys’ shrinks at the gender place.

Real girls want real men, therefore any trans woman who fancied other women must be a man. It was my first real collision with circular reasoning, as well as selection of evidence. Decide what answer you want, then pick whatever you could find to support the desired conclusion. That brought another moment that was a step closer to true adulthood, in the recognition that many adults could be, and were, fundamentally dishonest, not afraid to use the ‘appeal to authority’ of ‘Listen, kid: I’m the grown-up here; you are too young to understand’.

No, I wasn’t, especially when Mrs Preece continued her daily sniping at Alys. Bite your tongue, girl. Not too young to understand at all, and certainly old enough to keep my eyes on priorities. My lover came first.

She actually came second, as my sixteenth birthday was before her own, but there was no wild debauch for either of us. We had Christmas at her place, both of our birthdays at the Cow (with music and extra Woodruffs), and then the weather started a slow improvement, just as our schoolwork really ramped up.

I was feeling frustrated, because it wasn’t just the weather keeping me indoors. I didn’t even get the chance to play in the snow and ice with axe and crampons, because the books and the ‘continuous assessment’ projects were always lurking in my room or, when Mam was home, on the dining table.

That was a time I could see, far more clearly than ever before, the woman who had walked out on Dad for his own good. Such strength in her; I had an awful lot to live up to.

Alys’ birthday was our last day of frivolity before we hit the last and most important of our hurdles. There was no music on that night, but Mr Harries had everything set up on a separate table for us, so we had a meal, followed by a cake with candles and THAT song again. There were only a few tourists in that night, scattered in pairs and singletons among the locals, all apart from one group of women and girls. I recognised one of the women, and older one that Mr Harries called Pat, but the others, another adult and two teenagers, were new to me. What caught my eye was the fact that one of the girls looked particularly nervous, and I found myself smirking as I wondered which of the Scary Bethesda People stories she might have heard. It didn’t matter, because they all sang along for Alys, and that was all I cared about. She, in essence, was all I cared about that evening.

So we laughed and sniggered at the sneaky way Mr Harries let us have a little bit of wine each by selling it to our parents in tumblers rather than stemmed glasses, and Dad got a little bit too merry along with Alys’ own father, and at one point I realised that all six of us were holding hands, in pairs, below the table in the case of Alys and myself.

That hurt, because we had walked everywhere at Shrewsbury visibly joined together, and nobody had seemed to care, unless it was to smile indulgently at the sight. There had been that older woman on the train, of course, but she had been an exception. One day soon, once she had finished with those bigots at the clinic, we would be free to show the world in general what our families already knew.

Yes, I mentally included all of Steph’s horde in that thought.

There is nothing I want to write about our exams. They arrived, we sat at our little tables, I answered what questions I could, and spent far too long comparing my ability to count seconds from one thousand and one to one thousand and sixty, seeing how closely I could match the minute hand on the large clock set up in front of us. More simply, they asked me questions, I did my best, and then I went outside to breathe fresher air.

The hardest part was that Alys and I were apart for so much of it, as she was applying her mind to different sets of questions. It wasn’t until it was all over that we were finally able to look at the weather forecast, grab some food and drink, and simply walk away from Gerlan and up the Afon Caseg towards the bulk of the Carneddau, to find a sweep of hillside where we could spread a rug for a picnic.

Utterly mundane as an act, the sort of thing done in a car park at a wooden table/bench combination, or on some crowded and windy beach, but here it was on a sweep of sheep-cropped turf on the flanks of some of the highest mountains our country held, the sky a vast dome of blue with only a few condensation trails from those foolish enough to want to fly elsewhere, away from this beauty. There were buzzards and ravens above, meadow pipits and wheatears all around, with an occasional call from a sheep to counterpoint the deep kronks of the ravens.

We lay together, only half of our picnic gone, and there was nobody nearby to hide our love from.

“Enfys?”

“Yes, love?”

“Sixteen now. Got a letter yesterday”

“Oh? Who from?”

“That clinic. Doctor said yes”

My heart was starting to pound.

“Yes to what, Alys?”

“Yes to hormones, Enfys. Got to see the GP to have some tests, and then it’s two things”
“What sort of things?”

She wriggled a little where she lay with her head on my arm, both of us staring up into the brilliance of the day.

“Some blood tests again, and then it’s a sort of switch over”

She paused for a few seconds, then reached for my spare hand.

“Been on the blockers for a while, and that’s going to sort of continue, with what they call anti-androgens. Stuff to stop me getting hairy and that. I can stop those when… when they do something to sort my anatomy out, and you know what I mean. It’s the other things. Hormones”

She snorted, something amusing her for a moment.

“What Ifor said that day, love, when you brought those biscuits in, about growing a pair of tits”

“I remember!”

“Yeah, well. The other thing is… Enfys? The doctor says that I will get lots of mood swings for a while. Please, if I get silly, please understand it will never be because of you”

I lifted my arm to roll her towards me so that I could embrace her properly, a single bee humming across the turf nearby as I kissed her, my nerves almost stopping me from saying the next thing. Almost, but not quite.

“Alys?”

“That’s my name”

“Seriously… You say the hormones will… that you’ll change? Physically?”

“Yes. Might get a better bum, if I’m lucky”

My heart was hammering now.

“You mean if we are lucky?”

She nodded, squeezing me, wordless.

“Alys?”

“Still my name”

“You said you’d grow… breasts”

“Oh yes”

“But you…”

Deep breath.

“You already have a pair”

I took her hand, and moved it to my own breast, and, well, oh. Very, very much ‘Oh!’. It was nearly dark by the time we got back down into the village. My heart was still in my mouth, my soul was flying somewhere up with the buzzards and ravens, and my bra was in the bottom of my rucksack.

Three days later, Dad answered our house phone at about nine o’clock.

“Can I help you? Hi, Nansi!”

“Er, no. I’ll ask. Enfys?”

“Yeah?”

“Seen Alys today?”

“Er, no, not today. She was going to be doing one of those insect mapping things, over by the zip wire place. That’s what she said this morning. I went up towards Gwenllian”

He frowned slightly.

“Hang on. Putting this on speaker. Nansi?”

Her voice was tinny, but clear enough.

“Yes?”

“Enfys is here with me. She hasn’t been with Alys today. What’s up?”

“She was supposed to be home for tea, Keith. That was three hours ago”

“Oh shit. What do you want to do?”

“Vic wants to go out and have a look, but one of us needs to stay in, just… just in case”

Dad was nodding.

“I’ll give Pen a shout. Enfys can stay here; me and Pan will pick Vic up in a few. Called the police?”

“Not yet. This will sound silly, but, well, I don’t want her embarrassed. This is a small place, and she gets enough silliness”

“Okay. Understood. Pen and me will be down as soon as we can get moving”

“Thanks, Keith”

“No need, love”

He hung up abruptly.

“PEN!”

Man came in from the kitchen.

“What’s up? I only caught some of that”

“Alys is missing. Hasn’t come home. Nansi is staying by the phone, Enfys can do that here, and us two are picking up Vic as soon as possible”

“Okay. I’ll grab some head torches and a space blanket. Got time to make a hot flask?”

“Good call. Towels… You do the flask, I’ll grab the kit. Stay here, Enfys. We’ll have our mobiles, but you know what this valley can be like”

He disappeared upstairs, as Mam filled two flasks, one with hot chocolate, and then Dad was back with two small rucksacks, and my parents were gone, along with half of my soul. I fully understood the need for someone to stay at home, but surely there was someone in the bunkhouse that we knew well enough to trust?

I sat and fretted for two hours, logging onto the internet to check for news, trying her mobile more than a dozen times, and managing to fight back my tears only about a third of the times that they needed to burst out. Not a word from anyone…

The doorbell rang, and I was out of my seat immediately, knowing that it would be her, wanting to hold her and kiss her and slap her all at the same time, and…

There were two of them, all in black, caps on.

“Hello, police. Sorry to disturb you. May we come in, please? I am Constable Amin, this is PC Simms”

I led the way into the dining room, dread starting to take control of my hands, the shakes coming on along with the fear. The two coppers settled themselves on their feet, both ignoring the chairs I offered them, and then the second one, Simms, opened a little notebook.

“Do you know someone called Alys Edwards? We found your name and address in her purse”

CHAPTER 22
I couldn’t speak for a short while, as my mind tried to make sense of his words. My address? Her purse?

“What?”

I felt my legs going, and Amin looked sharply at Simms.

“Can we please come in, love? I think you need to sit down”

I led them into the dining room, dropping into a chair. After another look at his colleague, Amin turned back to me.

“How old are you, love?”

“Sixteen”

“Are your parents or guardians home?”

“They’re out looking for Alys, with her dad”

Simms was as sharp as before.

“You have their address?”

“Yeah… Hang on…”

I pulled out my mobile and dialled Alys’ home number. Nansi Edwards answered after the first ring.

“Yes? Alys?”

“No, Enfys. Police are here”

“Oh god… Enfys? Listen, carefully. Write a note for Keith and Pen, your parents, tell them where you are and please come here. With the police”

“They say…”

“Just come, love! Hanging up in case she calls”

I scribbled a quick note as she had insisted, then looked at the police officers, Amin clearly holding Simms back.

“Her Mam, sir. Wants me to take you there”

Amin nodded. You coming with us? Got a door key? I read that as you wrote it”

I just nodded, and in a very short time we were outside the Edwards place. Mrs Edwards must have been waiting by the window, because the front door was open almost as soon as we had parked, and I was pulled into a crushing embrace before she spoke to the police.

“I’m Alys’ mother, Nansi Edwards. Please come in”

She took us all into the living room, as another squall of rain drove into the window, sitting down much as I had in my own house.

“Please… Can I give, can I try and call her father? Mobile’s been more than a bit shit… Sorry”

I could see her hands shaking, and PC Simms stood up again.

“Mrs Edwards…”

“Nansi”

“Nansi. Could I go and sort out some tea? Might help things settle down”

Mrs Edwards nodded once, then reached for her phone.

“Come on… come on.. Vic? Thank god! Can you all get here, home, quickly? Police are saying… I haven’t…”

Suddenly, she was sobbing, and I reached out and took the phone from her hand before she dropped it.

“Mr Edwards? Yes, Enfys”

“Can you tell me what is going on, love?”

“I don’t know! They say they have her purse!”

“Oh god… It’ll take us half an hour to get back to the car. Are you all right, with Nansi?”

I took as slow a breath as I could, trying to find the same space I used for a hard move.

“I have to be, don’t I?”

“Thank you, love. We’ll be as quick as we can. Can you look after her Mam for us? Just until we get there?”

“I’ll do my best”

“I know you will, love. Got to go. Love you both”

He was gone, and I moved closer to Nansi Edwards, so that I could take her hand.

“PC Amin?”

“Yes? Are they coming?”

“They’re on the hill, looking for Alys. Her father says it will take them half an hour to get back to the car. He asks… Can we please get this done?”

I couldn’t hold them any more, and my words disappeared into sobs. Simms appeared with a tray of pot and mugs, and her mouth twisted with distaste as she took a few of her own deeper breaths. She set the tray on the table, then, as PC Amin poured and passed out cups, she pulled out that little book once more.

“Enfys, wasn’t it?”

“Yes”

“And Nansi. I am sorry, but I need to confirm a few facts. Library card and that gave us her name. Can you please confirm that Alys Edwards was your daughter, Nansi?”

Nansi was sobbing at that word, but she nodded, and the policewoman looked across at me.

“You were her friend, Enfys?”

No point anymore, no need for secrecy, no more Alys.

“I was her girlfriend”

“Ah”

She gave her colleague an odd look, one of puzzlement.

“You are saying that Alys was gay, then”

“Yes. We both are. Were…”

She looked sharply at her mate, once again.

“Mo?”

“I know, girl. Nansi: what was Alys wearing when she went out?”

“Um, Ron Hills, like tracksuit bottoms, yes? Fleece jacket? Blue waterproof jacket, walking boots, small rucksack”

“Not a skirt, then?”

Mrs Edwards’ head was starting to lift just then, and I could read her mind. Not Alys, not Alys.

“Not unless she was carrying one in her rucksack. Please: can you tell me what has happened? I am… I thought…”

She took a few seconds to shake her head, shake free the fear.

“You’ve come here to tell me my girl is dead, but what you’re saying, it’s all wrong. Please: just come out with it”

Amin, Mo, shook his own head, than nodded to Simms.

“Nansi, we are here about an RTC. Road Traffic Collision; it’s what they used to call an accident. Car crash, aye? We have a Ford Focus, fail to stop---sorry. Please understand that we get our own stress on jobs like this. Hard to keep our own balance. The car was challenged near Bangor for its manner of driving, and the driver sped away from our car at speed. They went up the Expressway, and the driver lost control near Tal y Bont, the bridge there, aye?”

She put her little book away.

“Car went through the barrier there, due to its speed, I assume. We… We have four bodies, all young people. Four dead. One of them had the purse with Alys’ details, the note with Enfys’ address in it. We assumed… Hell. Mo, can you call this into Control?”

A few more moments of hesitation, then she grimaced once more.

“Mrs Edwards?”

“Yes?”

“We were going to… Our intentions were to ask you to come with us and identify the deceased, but I am beginning to think that would be wrong. Can we take a minute to have our tea, while I think?”

Thirty seconds passed.

“Nansi?”

“Yes?”

“can you think of anything, anything at all in the way of distinctive marks that Alys might… No. I was going to say ‘might have had’, but I am beginning to think we’ve knocked up the wrong mother. Any distinctive marks? Hair colour, scars, that sort of thing?”

“My daughter is transgender”

“Sorry?”

“My daughter is a trans girl. She was recorded as a boy when she was born”

“So that means…”

“Can’t think of a more distinctive feature”

“Shit. Sorry”

She pressed a button on her radio, rising from her seat and heading for the kitchen.

“Control? 316. Could I have duty Inspector please?”

She was back in with us five minutes later, looking almost ashamed.

“Doctor is, er, checking for, you know. I am so sorry. I really thought I was bringing… Mo? More tea in that pot?”

Words failed all of us, until she jerked upright, as the front door banged. How fast had the three of them run to get back so quickly? Mr Edwards hugged his wife, as Mam grabbed me, and PC Simms held up a hand for silence.

“Going to cut through this in one go, people. Car crash on A55, four fatalities. One of them had a purse we have identified as belonging to Alys. Nansi here has told us… Neither of the two girls who have unfortunately passed away is anything other than…”

She paused, her mouth twisting once again.

“Doctor took a look down there. Neither of them is Alys”

Dad wandered off, knowing him to boil the kettle, while Vic Edwards stared at the police officers and Nansi simply broke down.

“Thank you. Not an easy job, aye? So can we sort of change priorities? Those four, whoever they were, they aren’t going anywhere, but one of them had her purse, and it is nearly midnight, and we still have a missing daughter. Can we shift focus? Please?”

Amin nodded, and after getting an account of where Alys had been surveying, he spoke to his control, explaining in terse phrases what was needed. In short order, we had a helicopter and Mountain Rescue called out, the three searchers listing in detail which areas they had already searched. I wasn’t paying much attention by then, because I was lost in my own world of sobs and tears. Mam and Dad bedded me down in Alys’ room, while they camped out in the living room, and we waited for the search to be completed.

Two days later, and there was still no word. What we did have instead was the name of the driver of the Focus, and a week later we would have the names of his passengers.

Ifor Watkins. Ifor bloody Watkins, one of his hangers-on and two girls from the year below ours, in his Mam’s car, and drunk, according to the post-mortem. I had hated him for years, but now my emotion was much, much darker.

No need to worry about him losing his tenancy anymore, but where was Alys, and what the hell were they doing with her purse?

CHAPTER 23
Thank god it wasn’t term time, because I would never have been able to face the rest of them. I stayed with the Edwards for a few days, Mam and Dad having livings to earn. I felt guilty leaving Dad with the bunkhouse, but each time I tried to do the loyal thing and pull my weight, I was swamped by memories of Alys working beside me.

I tried, but the second time Dad caught me in tears, I was packed off back to the Edwards house. I suppose it was a clear mark of how much my parents loved me, leaving me to huddle in her bed, her sheets, the memories of my lover surrounding me.

Three days… four… I was huddled in her bed, my default comfort zone, when Nansi Edwards pulled the door open.

“Enfys?”

“Yeah?”

“Police are here. Your Dad’s on his way”

“What?”

Mrs Edwards was almost hyperventilating.

“They’ve found her!”

I was out of the bed as if thrown, and she pulled me into a hug that nearly stopped my breathing. When I was almost able to speak again, she put a hand to my mouth.

“No. Not yet. She’s in intensive care. All I know. Keith’s got news. Please…”

She drew a number of slow, shuddering breaths.

“This is going to sound nasty, but I don’t mean it like that. Vic’s on his way to the hospital, but someone had to stay with you. Your Dad has the details, and as soon as he’s here, we’ll be on our way. Sorry. Sounds as if…”

She broke down in my arms, and what option did I have but to hold her until her sobs eased? It was a lesson for me, that others could not only care as much as I did (I already knew that), but could need as sharply as myself. We had ended up in the kitchen, doing that standard stress-busting action of brewing tea, when the doorbell rang.

Dad, of course, along with, of all people, Neil, who followed my father’s lead in hugging the life almost out of me. When I could breathe again, I glared at Dad.

“They found her? Where?”

He shook his head, as he drew me into the living room.

“Neil found her, love”

“What?”

“Sit down. She’s safe, now. Talk with us, then we’ll take a drive into Bangor, after her Mam and Dad have had a chance to see her. Neil?”

Our mad caver friend stared hard at me for a few seconds.

“Enfys, going to fly a kite here. You, my sister. Just working out how close you and Alys are. No! No need for an answer. Anyway… I’ve been grilled by the Filth, so no need for chain of evidence and other shite worries. Keith, you want this direct?”

Dad nodded, and Neil turned back to me.

“Places in the slate quarries, Enfys. I know you like the dry stuff, but I was heading out with a couple of ideas, especially around Dali’s Hole”

I couldn’t help myself from blurting out “Where?”, and he shrugged.

“Buy a slate guidebook, love. Anyway, a blast shelter near there, I’m getting some arty farty monochrome shots, and I notice there’s a big block of slate leaning against the door. Then, I see a bloody decent mountain jacket half buried under chippings. Check that, and there’s a bundle of clothing…”

To my absolute horror, he started crying just then.

“Moved the block, gave her the clothes, called the rescue. Can’t… Don’t want to say more, love. Not good. Keith?”

“Yes, mate?”

“I think you need to do some driving on this. I’m not handling things too well”

Dad laid an arm over Neil’s shoulders.

“I think you’re doing bloody well, mate. Got a bottle of Glendronach for later, if you fancy”

He hugged his friend, then turned to me.

“Love, this is going to sound absolutely trite, but she will need your strength. Once Vic and Nansi have had a chance to give her their love, Mam’ll take you to see her”

“Dad… won’t they want to stay with her?”

“They do, love, but it was their suggestion. What happened…”

His mouth was twisting in all sorts of nasty ways, and I was starting to fee; sick.

“Enfys, what is Alys?”

“What do you mean, Dad?”

“Just say what, who, she is. Clue’s in my words”

What had happened? Clue in his words. I still found myself blushing as I answered.

“She’s… she’s the girl I love. What more do you want me to say?”

He looked at Neil, who nodded in agreement before taking my hand.

“Enfys, darling, she just needs reminding of that fact. All of those facts. The police need to get digging, but she needs you”

Sudden anger took me out of my slump.

“We all know who it was! Bloody good job they’re all dead!”

Dad’s voice held a brittle calm.

“Don’t bring that up with her, love. The police need to do their bit, and she needs rest”

I finally asked what should have been my first question.

“How is she? What did they do to her?”

“Ah, a few bruises, but it’s mostly dehydration and mild hypothermia. That’s the physical stuff, love. You need to be there for the nasty shit in her head. You up for that?”

“I love her, Dad!”

“Aye. We know. She needs to know as well. Now, I am going to take Nansi in, on Neil’s bike. Your Mam’s with Vic at the moment, so she’ll drive back to pick you up”

He grinned suddenly, turning back to Neil.

“I’ll try not to bend it, mate! Nansi? You up for this?”

She nodded.

“I’ll just get something warm on, Keith. Not too quick, now”

Ten minutes later, and the two were gone, leaving me alone with Neil. He listened to the sound of the bike pulling away, then shrugged.

“Not safe to ride at the moment, darling. Bit shook up. Not as strong as your Dad. Tea in that pot?”

I stared at Neil, willing him to tell me what had been done to my lover, and he must have been reading my mind, for he simply shook his head.

“No. She will tell you what she needs to. Let her do that at her own speed, Enfys. Hang on—was that the door? I’ll go”

He was back a few seconds later, Sali Masters in tow, and on seeing me, she just broke down in tears. Once again, I was hugged hard.

“Enfys… oh, love! How is she? Mam heard from the Rescue that she’d been found. How are you?”

I waved at Neil.

“Neil found her. He’s a friend of ours; only speaks English. Neil? This is Sali, one our friends from school”

Sali pulled back a little, so that she could look me in the eyes.

“Enfys, am I right? When she told us she was, you know… you both are, aren’t you? Both on the other bus?”

She smiled, a little sadly.

“Sitting next to her on that bus, aren’t you? Oh, love! You must be… I can’t imagine. Rumours are out. You need to know that. People are saying it was Ifor”

“Can’t talk about that, can I? Waiting for what the police say”

She nodded, switching partly to Welsh once more.

“He always was an absolute crafwr”

Neil called across to us from the kitchen door, where he was busying himself with another pot of tea.

“I know that word! How about twll tîn?”

Sali snorted at that comeback.

“Well, I suppose we could use both. I always preferred ‘complete and utter twat’ if saying it in English, ah?”

“Well, they all work for me, though as I am older, and hairier, I have some other words I might consider applying to him. Tea’s up. Waiting on Penny now. Your family know where you are, Sali?”

“Aye. Didn’t want them worrying about me as well. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“I can keep a secret, if you want. Your girlfriend will be getting enough worries for now; doesn’t need any more of them. Milk and one sugar please, Neil”

Sali stayed with us for the thirty minutes it took for Mam to arrive, and that was another valuable lesson, as she kept us chatting, steering things away from dangerous subjects and gave more than enough evidence, if I hadn’t already known, that she was a true friend to both of us. When Mam came in, there was an inevitable repeat of the bone-breaking hugs I had already received, before she turned to Neil.

“You okay housesitting for a few, love? Keith will be back with your bike in an hour or two, but we need someone to stay by the house phone, just in case of god knows what else”

He nodded, smiling at Sali.

“I think this one needs to let her folks know how things are, who she’s with and so on”

Mam was nodding again, as if her neck was on a spring.

“Yes. Sali, give them a shout. If you haven’t got a mobile, use the house phone here. We need no more worries. Enfys? Ready?”

A quick hug from both of us for each of the others, and out the door, into Mam’s car and away. Once we were onto the A5, Mam started speaking, eyes fixed ahead.

“She’s in a shit state, love, but they have her on a drip to rehydrate. She is going to need to sleep a lot. And yes: she says it was exactly who we thought. They are… They are fucking lucky they are already dead. Sorry”

“What did they do to her?”

“Not now. And do not ask her. Just be there for her. Let her know you love her, but leave her to go at her own pace. And no; she wasn’t”

“Wasn’t what?”

We swerved off the road into a layby, where Mam’s hands clenched on the wheel as her eyes screwed shut.

“She wasn’t raped, love. But she might feel what they did do to her was something worse”

CHAPTER 24
Mam sat in silence for almost a minute, her breath catching each time she drew air in, before she turned to me again.

“Enfys, love: there’s a lot of rubbish written about this sort of thing. Stuff like ‘fate worse than death’, crap like that. The thing… Start again, Penelope. Love, what is important right now is how Alys feels about it all. It will make sense to her, even if everyone else thinks it’s completely wrong. You will have to listen, find out where she is, and if it’s wrong… You won’t be able to tell her she’s wrong; you will have to show her. Now, Sali Masters: do you trust her?”

“I think I do, Mam. She was. I don’t know; she was really good today”

“Right. How many classes does she share with Alys?”

“Um, most of the ones I don’t”

“Thanks, love. Gives us a possible safety net, or at least something to start with. Now, Alys is likely to be asleep when we get there, so no waking her up. I have an idea as well, if you are up for it, but not tonight. I need to call in some favours first”

“What?”

“See what the doctors say, but if they keep her in, more than a couple of days that is, we can set you up with a sleeping bag in my office. Five or ten minutes gets you to a bus to the hospital”

She shook her head again, that losing-a-fly motion, and then pulled out onto the road once more, not another word until we were parked up at the hospital. It wasn’t until I heard the sound of her shoes on the floor of the corridor that I realised she was still in her work clothes, a skirt suit and low heels. Everything was out of time, out of joint, but she knew the way.

It was a woman’s ward, which pleased me, and there was a private room, and then… There are so many stories about hospital visits, so much rubbish about people looking small in hospital beds, and she didn’t. It was the right size, she was the right size, she was the right woman, I knew that, but she looked faint, like a badly developed photograph; not entirely there. There was a dark circle under her right eye, because the swelling and bruising around her left one was too livid for that, and her mouth, those lips, they were swollen, with a couple of splits. A plastic valve thing in her inner elbow was connected to a drip of clear liquid, and she was lying on her back as if dead. I found me eyes burning, and turned to my mother for the comfort she always held for me.

“Mam…”

There was a groan, and then a croaking “Enfys?”

I was by the bed in a second, her hand in mine, the grip weaker than it had ever been, but she was there and she was talking. I said a few stupid things about love, and terror, and she just raised our linked hands until she could put a finger to my own lips.

“Shush, love. Sorry; tired. Got so cold, so thirsty”

I spotted some red marks round her wrists, and looked sharply back to Mam, who mouthed “Rhaf” at me. ‘Rope’. The bastards had tied her hands, clearly. I turned back to my lover, and she was away, asleep once more, but she had woken for me, found words for me, found one particular word, just for me.

I stayed there for another two hours, until Mr and Mrs Edwards returned from wherever they had been, and when they showed me a sleeping bag and camping mat, I realised that Mam must have been making calls I hadn’t noticed, for all of my attention had been bound up with a slim, faint figure on a drip. Vic Edwards was the first to hug and kiss me.

“How are you doing, love?”

“I’m not the one in a hospital bed, am I?”

“Yes, but she’s got doctors all around her”

“She woke up for me”

He was still holding me as it started, and then it was all “It’s okay, crying is good for you, let it out”, until I could find my focus again. That move around the flake on Valkyrie was easier to do, and far less frightening. Mr Edwards called across to Mam.

“Going to take Enfys for a cuppa, Pen”

Eh? He hustled me out of the door, and once it had closed, he murmured in my ear.

“Chance for a chat out of earshot, love. Things you need to know”

There was a little café, where he bought two teas and two Eccles cakes, and as I stared at the thing on the plate in front of me, he tried a grin.

“Simpler tastes, love. Tastes of my childhood. Comfort thing, you know?”

I had a sudden rush of confidence.

“What was it you didn’t want her to hear?”

He put down his pastry, one bite leaving a gap in the sugary circle.

“I didn’t want her hearing what she told us. Hearing it told to you”

“It was Ifor Watkins, wasn’t it?”

“Yes”

“And did he… Mam says she wasn’t raped”

“No”

I found myself out of questions, but he wasn’t out of answers.

“She says it was because of what one of the girls said, but she won’t tell us what it was. Whatever it was, it worked, because he had his flies open ready”

A deep breath, then a sudden headshake.

“No. Not now. The rest, well. She was working where she told us she was, and she was on her knees doing one of those metre-square things she does, and there was Ifor. He got violent, she was dragged to the car, off to the quarries. Into the hut, stripped, tied her hands, and then… there was an argument, and then they all fucked off and left her, hands tied behind her back. Sorry for the language, love”

I reached out for his hand.

“Understandable, Mr Edwards”

“Vic, please. Bit silly otherwise, given, well, stuff. Your mate Neil: he will need some support of his own”

“Eh?”

“He thought she was dead, so he went all calm and professional. He took pictures of her when he got the shed open. He… He thought she was dead, wanted to record the scene in case there was, in case a coroner, okay?”

Vic was crying.

“We owe him a huge debt, love, all of us. Sorry for this”

I held his hand until he found his control again, and then tried to eat the cake he had bought, which turned out to be rather nice. As I licked the last crumbs from my fingers, Mam appeared.

“You two okay?”

I looked at Vic for an answer, and when he nodded, I turned back to Mam. Strength, girl.

“What’s the plan?”

She sat down at our table.

“Such as it is, Nansi is staying overnight. We have some shuffling of cars to do, and thank god for Neil’s bike, but my security people have agreed you can use the office. We are off there in a bit. There’s a canteen for the staff, even out of main term time. I’ve sorted them for breakfast, and I will show you where the bus stop is. Open-ended, love. Please don’t come here before three tomorrow, because the police want to do some---no! Second thoughts: Nansi is off home at eleven, you get here when you can, and if the plod get silly, be there for your girlfriend, right?”

“You think…”

“I don’t ‘think’, love: I know. So does Neil, so leave that one here. Tell you one day. Now, ready for off? Eccles cake? Vic, you are so bloody predictable!”

“Mam?”

“Yes, love?”

“Have you got the recipe?”

That worked, drawing laughter from two people before we did the car ride and this-is-your-bus-stop trip, and I settled down in the space between Mam’s desk and the door to her office. I thought I was going to be awake for hours, but after settling down in my bag, the next thing I saw was the sun burning through Mam’s venetian blinds.

The canteen was fine, the walk to the bus stop took only six minutes, the bus was on time, and my lover was awake.

Thank god, yet again.

Alys was asleep, but Nansi Edwards was sitting up next to her, a mug of tea in hand and a weak smile on her face.

“Shift change, Enfys?”

I dredged for my own smile.

“Or reinforcements? Your mileage may vary”

She reached out to squeeze my hand.

“I should have known to trust my daughter’s judgement, shouldn’t I? Good thing I did. Enfys, you need to know that the police are due in at eleven. Could get nasty; how are you bearing up?”

I shrugged.

“Not me that’s in the bed, is it? I am here. End of”

Alys answered that one, as she woke without either of us noticing.

“I know, love. Mam’s right: sometimes I choose the right path, make the right choice. Fall in love with…”

I held her till the sobs were over, before settling back in the chair by the head of her bed, her hand in mine. Nansi Edwards was smiling, but her tears were still falling.

“Yes, love. Always the right choice, no matter how hard, no matter how wrong me and your Dad might have been. Got it right now, though, haven’t we? Enfys?”

“Yeah?”

“Alys told me about the shortcake, and both Penny and Vic told me about the Eccles cake. I think we need a family baking session once this is all sorted. Oh, yes: family. That includes you now, love. That all right with you?”

Alys squeezed my hand, because it was, naturally, in hers. We smiled together, and then, at ten fifty, the police were there, two of them, in suits, a man and a woman. They were polite, courteous, and absolutely distant.

“Good morning bore da Alys, Mrs Edwards, Cymraeg neu Saesneg?”

We all agreed to Welsh, and the two coppers stared at me, the woman breaking the silence.

“Can we ask who you are, please?”

Alys spoke before I could.

“This is Enfys Hiatt, She is my girlfriend, partner, whatever term you want. Is that okay?”

The lady copper nodded, after a quick check-glance at her colleague.

“I understand, we understand, both of us, that this is painful. We apologise if this interview opens wounds, but, well, needs must. Some introductions first, as we have Ms Hiatt with us. I am DC Hollins, this is DC Baillie. Now, Alys, please talk us through what happened. We may ask you to pause for clarification now and again

CHAPTER 25
Hollis led the conversation, interrogation, interview, Baillie making notes in an A4 book rather than the little notebook I expected. The woman was quietly spoken, but very clear in her questions.

“You were found in a disused blast shelter in the Dinorwic quarries, Alys. You were last heard of near the Penrhyn quarries, the other side of the hill. Can you tell us how you got there? From the beginning, please. Take your time, but it would help us if you could explain why you were there in the first place. DC Baillie here is what we call a statement taker, as am I. We will not put words in your mouth, but rather do our best to help you be clear in what you say. Is that acceptable?”

“Yes”

Hollis nodded, then turned to me.

“Ms Hiatt, this will be stressful on all of us, but please try not to answer on her behalf. I am really grateful she will have your support through this process, but the answers have to come from Alys alone. Will that be okay for you?”

I nodded, which brought a smile that looked genuine, and then she began the ‘process’.

“Alys, why were you at the Penrhyn quarry?”

“I was doing a species count, on a metre square”

“What does that entail?”

“I am hoping to do a conservation course at University. I’m interested in how life comes back to the quarry floor, regreening. Dad made me a really clever piece of kit, a folding metre square”

“What is that, Alys?”

“It’s a sort of grid. One metre to a side, with a string net breaking it up into ten centimetre sections. You put it on the ground and mark out what species is growing in each section. Hard on the knees, so I take a bit of camping mat to kneel on”

“Does this involve taking samples? Digging anything up?”

“No! Whole point is to leave things as they are, then come back after a few months and compare the results”

“So you wouldn’t have been carrying any tools, like a trowel or a fork?”

“What for? No. Nothing like that”

Hollis nodded to Baillie, and I understood: Alys had not been armed in any way. The woman continued her questions.

“You were on your knees most of the time, then?”

“Yes. That was how it was when… I was looking at an area away from where they are doing the restoration work. Didn’t want to see nothing but heather and grass. I had a perennial sow-thistle in my sample grid, so I was looking to see where it was rooted, how deep the soil was, because… Sorry. Details you don’t need”

“So would it be fair to say you were engrossed in your work?”

“Definitely”

“Can you tell us where you were working?”

“If you follow the access road round to the East of the big pool under the zipwire place, it goes up in hairpins. There’s a terrace below the track, on the pool side. Below the second hairpin. Patch of scrub on the next level down; I’m trying to map how the plants from the scrub are colonising the slate spoil.

“So you were busy working, concentration on the ground. What happened then?”

“I was bent over, moving a couple of slate chips that were around the plant, and then there was a shadow”

“What made the shadow?”

“It was four people standing behind me”

“Did you recognise any of them?”

“I recognised all of them”

“Do you know their names?”

“Ifor Watkins, Ioan Saunders, Beci Jones and Rhianon Walters”

“How do you know these people?”

“Ifor and Ioan are, were, in our year at school. The girls were the year below. It is ‘were’ now, isn’t it?”

“Not now, Alys. You’re doing well, but this is your story. What then happened?”

Alys tightened her grip on my hand.

“Ifor spoke to me”

“What did he say?”

“He said ‘Look at the fucking tranny queer’. His voice… he was all slurred in his speech. Then he punched me in the face”

“Thank you, Alys, for staying with us. If this gets too distressing, please tell us and we will take a break”

“I have my lover with me. I can cope, now”

“Thank you again. Was it just the one blow?”

“No. He hit me three or four times, then kicked me in the stomach. I think he wanted to kick me lower down, but I was kneeling”

“How did you feel after the blows?”

“Physically? I was really woozy, stunned. Might have passed out for a second. How did I feel mentally? I was terrified. Please: some water?”

Baillie passed her the glass, and then Alys continued.

“Ioan threw my square and mat into the scrub, and Beci went through my rucksack, took my purse, the thieving bitch, and that went into the scrub as well”

Hollis held up a hand to signal a pause, pulling out a mobile phone and tapping a number in, switching to English as she was answered.

“Graham? It’s Claire. We need SOCO out to the Penrhyn. Looking for three items at least: a rucksack, a sort of grid square thing and a section of closed cell matting”

She confirmed colours and sizes with Alys, then gave the location details to what was clearly a colleague.

“Gray, the items should have traces from who we were talking about. May be dabs, may be DNA. Please ask SOCO to do their best for us”

Once her phone was away, she turned back to Alys.

“You okay, love? We can do this another day, if you would prefer”

Alys shook her head, wincing.

“Sorry. Get a little dizzy when I do that. No. Get it done, while I can”

“Okay. After you were assaulted, what then happened?”

“There was a car. They put me in it, girls either side. Back seat. Ifor was driving. Silly speeds, it felt like. Lots of sharp cornering, the two boys laughing all the time. I was dizzy, wanted to be sick. Lost track of everything; think I passed out again. Don’t know how long we were driving about. Woke up, and there were noisy road sounds, crunching. Like we were on gravel. Car stopped, and they dragged me out. It was another quarry, and god knows how Ifor had got us so high up. Must have broken a fence down”

Hollis was nodding as Alys spoke.

“Yes. We found a stretch that had been cut through. Real trick getting that car all the way to--- No, Claire. Alys, if you can, please continue”

“I was still out of it, still wobbly. Doctor says I had concussion. There was a lot of stumbling, and I remember one of the girls trying to pour cider down my throat, big plastic bottle of it. Ioan and Ifor had a bottle of vodka. Ifor smashed it against a lump of rock, laughing. Then…”

Her grip nearly broke my fingers, the rest of her body starting to tremble, and DC Hollis saw.

“Going to take a few minutes, ladies. DC Baillie here owes me a favour, so he will take a short walk to secure some teas. That okay, Dave?”

Baillie grinned, far too brightly, and took his leave, pulling out his own phone as he rose, probably to emulate his mate’s lead in calling in the location of the broken vodka bottle. Once he was back with one of those cardboard cup-holders and our tea. ‘Claire’ smiled at him.

“No biscuits, Dave?”

A more genuine smile, and the wave of a paper bag.

“Millionaire’s shortbread do instead?”

“Hero you are! Alys, we’ll eat this, and then decide how you are feeling. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“If your girl here is doing conservation, what do you have planned?”

“Adventure sports science”

“That sounds cool. What’s your sport?”

“I’m a climber, like my parents”

“A good one?”

Alys answered for me.

“A very good one. She climbs on slate, in that quarry”

“Oh, not my thing at all. Give me a sun-lounger and a cold drink, in a warm country, that’s my style. And that’s the cake. Alys?”

She nodded.

“Go for it”

“Right. Ready, Dave?”

“I am”

“Okay. Alys, when we paused, you were in a quarry. Bottle of vodka just smashed”

“Yes. All of them were laughing, and Ioan had a smelly cigarettes he was passing around. We were by a little hut, Ifor pulled the door open, then he punched me in the face some more”

“How many times did he punch you at that point?”

“Can’t remember. I know I was in the dark then. In the hut. My jacket and fleece were gone, and Beci and Rhianon were pulling off my T-shirt and then my Ron Hills, When they were off, that was when Ifor kicked me between the legs. Then they pulled off my knickers and bra”

“Was anything said by any of them?”

“Yes. Beci laughed at my knickers, said they were boring, just like me. Rhianon said ‘What the fuck does he need a bra for, the pervert?’ and ‘Look at that fucking maggot. He’s had that in the girls’ toilets, fucking queer’. Ioan was just laughing. He was the one who tied my hands behind my back”

Claire looked down at her knees for a couple of breaths.

“Would it be correct to say you were thus naked, Alys?”

“Yes. I know I don’t have proper breasts yet, but the hormones have started working, and they get sensitive, which is why---”

“Alys, please don’t”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t try to justify what you did. There is no need. I know about trainer bras, and why, and so does your girlfriend. It is what women do, what we all need. We understand who is the victim here. Now, I know this is going to be the hardest part, but we are almost done. Your pace, though. Ready?”

“Yes. I was naked, completely. They had me lying on the floor, and that was when Ifor opened his flies and… he got his penis out, and it was erect, and he was grinning. Told the others to hold me”

“What did he say?”

“He said that if I wanted to be a girl, I should learn what being fucked felt like”

Claire looked across at Dave once more.

“Always, always the same stupid ideas. Not a single original thought from any of the--- sorry again, Alys. What… what then happened?”

I moved onto the bed as she pulled me to her, taking her in my arms as she reached the black heart of it all.

“It was Beci. Rhianon and Ioan had rolled me over so that my face was pushed into the floor, and I heard Ifor’s belt buckle hit the floor. I knew what he was going to do”

“What did you think his intention was, Alys?”

“Rape me. Put his… Rape me anally”

I heard an odd sound from Claire, and realised she was muttering under her breath before she asked the next question.

“Did he carry that out?”

“No. As I said, it was Beci. Don’t mean she did, you know, that. She just said ‘Ifor Watkins, if you think I am letting you put your cock in my fanny after you have been stabbing shit up his arse, you can think again’. She was… she was really clear about that”

I caught Dave’s mutter clearly: “Classy girl”

Claire gave him a sharp look, getting a shrug in reply, and then continued.

“What then happened, Alys?”

“They all left. I managed to get to my feet, but the door was jammed. I couldn’t get it open. That was all, really. Nothing else I could do but wait”

“Did you have anything to wrap yourself in? Any food or drink?”

“No. I got cold and I got thirsty, and I… I saw the flash when Neil took the pictures, and then it was the ambulance crew, and here. That’s all, really”

“Neil? Neil Strachan?”

“Yes. Friend of Mr Hiatt”

“Can we please confirm one point, Alys?”

“What?”

“Neil Strachan had no involvement in the… in the bad stuff?”

She tried to sit upright, but I pulled her closer to me.

“No! Without him, I’d be dead. How can you think he was involved?”

Claire’s smile this time was a genuine one.

“We don’t, Alys. We just need any outsider, a jury for example, to be clear n that point. We have spoken to Mr Strachan, and it is very clear how distressed this has made him. Finished here, and this doesn’t affect your evidence, so I can tell you. Neil thought you were dead, love. He was taking pictures in case there was anything that might help us. We have his memory card already. I am not allowed to say some things, to be explicit, but, well, we all know who it was, and where they are now. We will return your purse when this is over. Now, Dave is going to write out the statement properly for you, and we will give it to you for checking, but I really think you two need a little bit of privacy. We’ll be about an hour, I would think”

They gathered their things, pushing the door closed as they left, and I snuggled closer to my lover.

“Enfys?”

“Yes, love?”

“Is that what I am?”

“What do you mean?”

“Not even enough of a girl to be worth raping?”

CHAPTER 26
There was a tap on the door, which opened for a nurse, and a hospital worker with the stereotypical tea trolley. I moved off the bed so that we could wheel the little table across for Alys, and after a quick check of her IV line and the provision of two mugs of tea, the nurse made a few notes on the sheet of paper hanging on a clipboard from the end of the bed.

“Before the tea please, Alys…”

My girl looked up, setting down her cup.

“But you do it from my ear these days”

“Old habits, love. Now…”

The nurse busied herself with the usual set of tests and measurements, then ran through a set of questions about headaches, dizziness and nausea. I must have looked puzzled, because the woman turned to me with a slight frown.

“We are still checking for any signs of concussion. Alys--- have you told your friend what happened to you, love?”

Alys nodded, and her nurse smiled.

“Thank you. Confidentiality and all that. Anyway, as Alys suffered several blows to the head, combined with severe dehydration, we are simply being careful. We do a lot of that, being careful”

I dug for a smile.

“Thank you. She needs all the care she can get right now”

The nurse’s eyes hardened for a second.

“I have heard rumours that some of her worries are no longer--- No. Not my place to say that. You’re Penny Hiatt’s girl, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Enfys”

“My husband works down the Uni, in maintenance. Well, sort of: he’s one of their managers. You’re bedding down in her office, he says”

“Yes, I am”

“Well, I will have a word with the team. I know what you are, love, to each other, I mean. If I can get permission, bring your bedroll up here. There’s room”

“You sure?”

“No, but I can ask. You’d need to tell your Mam, of course”

“Thank you”

“No need. Now, the doctors will be doing their rounds in a quarter of an hour, so you might have to step out. I’ll point you at the café if that’s the case”

She wrapped up her blood pressure kit and pulled its trolley behind her as we stepped into the corridor.

“I think you can find the café, Enfys. Back down there towards the main entrance. Now, I said I know what you two are to each other. Not a complaint, love. She is not doing well, after, well, we both know. If you are able to stay with her, it should make things easier”

I already suspected what the answer would be, but I still had to ask.

“In what way?”

“Oh god. Just this once, sod confidentiality: self-harm. She is really fragile right now. I have seen it before in rape victims. They blame themselves for it. Sometimes they decide to atone, in an odd way. Can’t remember who I heard it from, but that is what rape is, about damaging someone. Effing up, not effing. It’s power and hate, not sex, and before you say it, I was one of the team that checked her over when she came in, so I know. You don’t have to be penetrated by a penis to be raped. Don’t care what the law says. So, if you can, bring your bedding over here, and we will work around you. Please”

A deep sigh and a squeeze to the forearm, and then she was all smiles again.

“Here’s the doctor. Shush on all that, please”

We went in just ahead of the woman in the white coat, and Alys was looking shamefaced.

“Sorry, Enfys, but I drank your tea as well. Bit thirsty”

The doctor laughed out loud.

“I think we can tick off ‘cognitive functions working’, then! How are we feeling this afternoon, Alys?”

“Don’t know about you, but I ache, all over. Bit painful when I eat”

“Abdomen or facial injuries?”

“Er, my ribs and stomach are sore, but bruised sore, not burst or broken sort of thing. It’s my lips. Still all swollen”

“Then it’s a good job we don’t supply the crustiest of bread. If I can just…”

The doctor moved over to the bed to spend a minute or so checking the damage.

“Well, I can see a big problem ahead”

Alys looked worried.

“Why?”

“Well, one of the things you need to do is to stop stretching your mouth, as it opens the wounds again. Smiling is a bad thing, and as you have your partner here now, that is obviously going to be a real worry”

Suddenly, my love was laughing, as happily as I could imagine, despite the winces as her ribs and other injuries made their presence felt. The doctor grinned back at her.

“See what I mean? Now, Enfys: could you step back a little, please? I need to do an examination, and while I am sure you would be happy to stay, I work better without distractions. Off for a replacement tea, please”

I sat in the little café for the time it took for my tea to vanish, only then realising how thirsty I had actually been. I couldn’t begrudge her drinking my cup earlier, but I did feel a little aggrieved that I had been excluded from the examination. Never mind: she was laughing again, and that was all that mattered. Ring home, girl.

“Enfys? How is she?”

“She’s laughing again, Dad. Doctor’s doing her rounds, an examination and stuff. I got sent out of the room, but the nurse is going to ask if I can stay”

“Stay in the room? As in sleep there?”

“Yes. She has to get the go-ahead from her bosses, but it would be great if she can”

“Then let us know, and Mam can drop off your bedroll tonight. I assume you’re staying there all day, love”

“Oh god yes”

“Then do us all a favour and take some time to yourself. Take a walk, get something to eat, away from the hospital. There’ll be a time when you need to vent, to put stuff into some sort of order. Don’t do it in front of her, okay? Oh, and Steph is coming up for a few days, her and Geoff. Anything you need, anything else? Books? Magazines?”

“I’ll ask her. Going to head back in now, see if the doctor’s done. I’ll let you know, about both things. I love you, Dad”

“We know you do. Look after her. Oh, and Neil sends his love”

“Oh hell, I almost forgot about him. Is he okay?”

“Bit of a hangover for a while; worn off now, I hope”

“Oh. Wasn’t just him, was it?”

Dad paused for a moment before confirming, in a very soft voice, what I had suspected.

“No. And Vic with us”

“No shame, Dad”

Another, longer pause.

“No. Not really. Anyway… you speak to the doctor, and I’ll let your Mam know once you have the word”

“I can do that, Dad”

“I’ll do it, love. Let me see she’s okay, it will”

“I get you. Going to head back now. I’ll let you know when I do”

“Look after her, love”

“You know I will”

“Yes. I do. Later, then”

He hung up, voice catching a little, and I sat with my tea, trying to count how many times he had told me to look after Alys. This was breaking people.

Tea done, I had a look through the paper rack, finding a silly logic puzzle magazine, and headed back to her room, where I found the doctor on her way out. She smiled on seeing what I had bought.

“Cognitive function testing, or boredom threshold exploration?”

I laughed at her cheekiness.

“We will see, Doctor!”

“Rang your parents yet?”

“Um?”

“Bedding and that. There’s room under the window for you”

“Oh! Thank you”

“Don’t thank me until I tell you whether it’s inside or outside the window, Enfys”

She was off, grin still in place, and I tossed the magazine to Alys while the nurse fiddled with a new bag of whatever it was dripping into her arm.

“This should give you some minutes of peace if I snore”

“You don’t. Got a pen, love?”

An hour later, after the police had been and gone, with a signed statement, she was asleep, the puzzle book and pen lying by her open hand on top of the covers. I picked them up as gently as I could before settling myself into the bigger chair, my own e-reader in my hands, losing myself in one of Joe Tasker’s books on climbing. It was well outside my experience so far, as it was about Himalayan expedition stuff, but I could recognise so much of the emotion and strain there; I just couldn’t be sure I would ever have the courage or commitment to be so far out, such a world away from support. I looked over to my sleeping lover, and wondered if that was how it felt to her, a rope’s length of run-out with no gear and no stance in sight.

I realised I was getting maudlin just as Mam came into the room, Nansi Edwards in tow and my bedroll in hand. After a round of hugs, the latter smiled at me.

“You sure about doing this, Enfys?”

I squeezed her back.

“Wouldn’t be much good as a… as a girlfriend if I wasn’t, would I?. She’s been asleep about forty minutes. Should be about time for the tea lady”

Mam chuckled.

“Feet under the table properly, eh? Brought some cake and stuff down for the two of you, but go steady with it. Don’t know how long she’ll be in, after all”

“Mam, when she gets out…”

“Ask Nansi, love. I’m right, aren’t I?”

“Don’t know”

She shook her head, then turned to her friend.

“Nans, room in Alys’s bedroom for this one, when she’s released?”

“Course! Got a better mat, I have. Or at least, a thicker one. Now, if you two would like to go away, just for a few minutes. Please”

I shrugged, and once more found myself sitting in the little café with yet another cup of tea, Mam cradling her own as she sat across the table from me. I put down my cup, and gave her a smile before asking what I needed to know.

“How’s Dad doing? And Neil? Vic Edwards?”

She held her cup in both hands, the steam rising before her face.

“Wobbly, love. Vic and Neil in particular. Both struggling. Not easy, this sort of thing”

“Yes, but without Neil, well!”

“He knows that, love, but knowing and feeling, not always easy to get them both on the same page. Dad’s made it plain, though”

“How?”

“Neil is a free guest from now on. We owe him too much for anything else”

She put her cup down, reaching for and grasping both of my hands.

“It’s a family thing, love. Doesn’t matter what happens between you two, you and Alys, in the future, she will always be family. We look after our own, and we pay back as well as forward”

A grin, and a shrug.

“Well, of course it matters what happens, but you take my point”

Tea finished, we were soon back at the room, where Alys was awake and waiting for me, waving her own device.

“Matching you now, I am! Mam’s brought my reader in2

“Could have just borrowed mine!”

“Enfys, my sweet, maybe I don’t want to read about mountains and stuff. Got my own books on here, and Mam’s added a couple more. Don’t ask, they’re not your sort of thing”

Nansi Edwards nodded.

“Not mine either. Surprised they’re hers, I am”

Alys laughed, which was always a good thing to see and hear.

“They’re funny, Mam!”

Nansi’s eyebrows went up a long way.

“Really, love? Nazi zombies and tentacle monsters from wherever? Enfys, I’ve also loaded some of the Terry Pratchett stuff on there. Now, he IS funny, not like that Stross bloke”

Alys sniffed.

“Personal taste, Mam. It’d be a boring old world, et cetera. But thanks. Anyway, Doc says I’m healing well. They should take me off the drip tonight, she said. Be able to sleep at last, without wrapping myself up in all this plumbing”

That was the mood throughout the visit, as she prattled away brightly, even trying to talk her mother into trying one of the puzzles I had bought her, until the two Mams were gently ushered out by the nurse who ‘unplumbed’ Alys, as the doctor had promised. I spread my mat and bag under the window, we ate our evening meal together, even though mine was a mixture of stuff bought in the café, and the nurses kept us both supplied with tea.

I slept comfortably in my bag until around two in the morning, when I joined her in the narrow bed, which stopped her whimpering before it could become a scream.

CHAPTER 27
I had bent over the bed as she started to tremble, half-formed words gradually increasing in volume, and when she realised it was me, she crashed awake, pulling my arms about her.

“Shush, love. Let me move, just a second, okay?”

I stood up from the bed, and stepped round to her side, where I pulled up the railing thing before returning and lifting the blanket so that I could slide underneath, spooning into her from behind.

“Why the railing, Enfys?”

“Not much room, love. Don’t want you to fall out”

I breathed in the soapy scent of her hair, wondering what chance she had been given to get herself clean enough to relax. Time for some silliness.

“Alys?”

“Yeah?”

“You said you didn’t want to read my climbing books, but this is just like being in one”

“How?”

“Two people, tied together in a bivouac, perched on a tiny ledge and cuddled up to share body warmth”

“Yeah, but not stuck on a bloody mountain, are we? Nor being snowed on, or eaten by a yeti. Ow! Don’t make me laugh, not just now”

She wriggled herself into me, and I made myself as comfortable as possible until breath slowed, and a hint of a snore came back. I woke a couple more times in the night as she started to shake again, but each hunt of nightmares fled as I hushed her softly.

I was astonished when I realised it was light outside, surprised I had managed to sleep at all, but my main feeling was gratitude. If I had slept, then so had Alys. I slipped out from under the covers, my bladder making demands, just as the first nurse of the day came in to do her checks. Her eyes went straight to the bed, and it was abundantly clear that she had worked out where I had spent the night. I smiled at her, and shrugged.

“Nightmares. Calmed her down”

A soft smile was returned.

“Not a problem, love. Tea trolley will be around in a few, and breakfast. Can’t help you with that, I’m afraid: all the meals are plated up, only for patients. Café does a nice breakfast roll, though. Got enough cash?”

Before I could answer, she had stepped forward and taken my arm, tugging me into the little attached bathroom and shutting the door. As the latch clicked home, I lost control, and the nurse just held me as I sobbed on her shoulder, my throat wrenching as I tried to keep the noise down so that my lover wouldn’t hear. The woman held me until I had found a little stability, and then sat me down on the little chair under the shower.

“It isn’t an easy thing, love. We can’t all be strong, all the time. No shame, none at all. Shows you care, ah?”

I nodded, without words for once, and she pointed to the sink.

“Face wash, whatever business you need, then you come back out and stay strong for her, and never, ever be ashamed that you care. Is that a deal?”

I stared at her, but could see nothing but sympathy in her expression.

“You know what we are, Alys and me? And… and what she is?”

“Love, an awful lot of the staff here are gay, and that doesn’t bother me. Why should it? You obviously care for each other, and that, to be honest, is really sweet. Why should it be different just because you’re both girls?”

“Yes, but Alys is---”

“A girl. One who has been raped, effectively. I am sure people have already said that to you. Here’s a bit of advice: when someone talks bollocks, all that means is just that. It does not reflect on anyone else. Now, I can hear cups rattling. We can stretch to teas for you. Want one?”

“Please”

“I’ll sort you one, then. Get yourself cleaned up, and then come back with a smile. She needs you now”

She was gone, and I dealt with my bladder, spending a few minutes longer sitting on the toilet until I felt it was safe to wash my hands and face and rejoin my lover.

The doctor did her rounds at about two, after my second visit to the café, and brought more smiles, particularly when she proposed that Alys might be released in two more days.

“What we have been doing, ladies, is checking for concussion and other nasties. I have been a little concerned over some noises from near the fractured ribs, but we are thankfully past the dehydration and hypothermia crises. Two more days, then we’ll kick you both out. Police have done their bits and pieces?”

We both nodded, and the doc nodded.

“Great, super, etc. Don’t want to see either of you back here, do we? Not like this, at least. What are you two looking to do, after school is done?”

Alys answered first.

“I want to do conservation, environmental studies. That… I was doing a survey of plant species in an old quarry when, you know. Things happened”

The doctor was nodding.

“Yes. Just try and remember that they were the losers, in the end. I have met your family, so I know that even more. Enfys? You on the same course?”

Alys laughed, then winced.

“Need to remember not to do that. No, she’s doing sports science”

I knee-jerked “Adventure sports science!” before I spotted her grin, and that time it was the doctor who laughed.

“Ooh, then we most definitely WILL be seeing you here again! I’ll show you where the helipad is before you go. Mountain Rescue might as well have their own mugs in our canteen. Anyway, I am done here. No nasties as far as I can see, and the ribs seem to have settled. Can be a bit of a worry; things can be pierced that don’t work well with holes in. I will keep you both up to speed as regards release and discharge, okay?”

She was off out of the door before I could thank her properly, and I settled back on the bed with my girl, and sod any objections. We were just swapping ideas for one of the logic puzzles, when Steph’n’Geoff walked in. To my surprise, they had Annie with them. The taller woman looked around, spotting the two available chairs, and snapped her fingers.

“Woodruff!”

“Yes’m?”

“Extra bum perch, and make it snappy!”

Geoff, naturally, only had a collapsible camping chair with him, two of them in fact, and I almost fell off the bed when he tried to shake one out one-handed, and failed. He grinned at me.

“Yeah, well, I never claimed to be perfect. Tea trolley been round?”

I nodded.

“Not due for a while”

“No worries. Wench!”

This time, Steph bowed and scraped.

“Sir!”

“Brews. Now!”

As Alys tried not to aggravate her injuries, Steph and Annie produced flasks and mugs, together with a plastic box of flapjack. Once we had all been served, I looked across at Annie, and before I could speak, she read my mind.

“Yes, Enfys. All you need to know is that I have some insider knowledge, aye? Had my own crap, so, well, I understand. Happy to chat things over, Alys. Eric’s okay on his own, especially with Chantelle to watch him, and I get a chance to do some stuff I like”

I looked at the Woodruffs.

“Which routes?”

“Routes? Oh! No, not me, not that. Not mad, me. I’m just going to look in at Cob Records. Your Dad’s given us all room in his bunkhouse, so we’re sorted for that, and I am promised music”

“Oh?”

“A little bird tells us Alys should be out soon, and you have a harp, and there is a folk club. Partial to that sort of thing, I am”

I found myself starting to crumble again, and it was Annie who took me by the arm for a walk outside. Bloody tears.

“Enfys?”

“Yeah?”

“You are wondering why I came up, aye?”

“A bit”

“Well, Alys and I, we had a couple of chats at the festival, but that was on different stuff. Here’s the point, this time: I don’t sleep, I didn’t use to sleep, that well. Shitty incidents, nightmares, aye? I used to get pissed all the time, just to be able to get some sort of sleep. Not good. A friend would stay with me, then it was Eric, and now, well, it’s better. Not stopped; never will be. But I can cope now, because even when he isn’t there, I know he will be, aye?”

I nodded, and she smiled.

“Yes. That’s one part of why I am here. You’ve slept with her, haven’t you?”

Before I could answer, she clapped a hand to her mouth.

“Shit! That came out wrong! I mean slept with, not, you know! Cuddled her when she gets the night horrors”

“Yes. Last night”

“Aye. Not good stuff, that. I used to do a lot of kicking… September, isn’t it? When school starts again?”

“Yes”

“Then you have time to settle her down. Now, something Steph taught me was a trick with a shirt…”

Two days later, and we were released, or at least Alys was. I couldn’t see us as anything but a single entity by then, but at least she wasn’t emulating Annie in kicking me.

Nansi Edwards drove us both home, and I was unsurprised to see that there was no sign of the promised mat in Alys’ bedroom, although there were extra pillows on her bed. I looked at Mrs Edwards, and she shrugged.

“That Annie explained things to me, although I don’t understand, well, why she doesn’t understand. Our language, that is. If I’m wrong, I can fetch the mats”

“No, you’re right. Sorry”

“Sorry for what?”

I was shaking a little just then, but before I could say anything more, Mrs Edwards had a finger to my lips.

“No. Don’t say it. My daughter is loved---what more do I need to hear?”

CHAPTER 28
There were several advantages in being back home, even if it wasn’t exactly mine. We weren’t restricted to a bed and an armchair, but had access to a sofa. Music, a kitchen with snacks, and a better television, although the latter was ignored once we realised how bad daytime programming was. It did get some use for playing DVDs, though, but in the end, we spent the hours slumped together as comfortably as we could manage, given her injuries. Annie dropped by a few times, but the Woodruffs were only seen at night. Apparently, rhyolite held more charms than us, and they were making the most of it.

Annie was good fun, especially when she turned up with a bundle of CDs she had bought in her Bangor record shop. Her selections puzzled both of us, but it was Alys who asked the obvious question.

“Annie?”

“Aye?”

“Why do you buy all this stuff in our language when it’s not--- when you don’t understand it?”

The woman laughed out loud, shaking her head.

“Ah, it was Steph that did it. I was never a folkie, me, until they shoved it in my face, and I got into playing it. Making up for lost time, I am, and you can’t really find this stuff in Crawley. Besides, I am used to listening to foreign stuff. I have a couple of artists I adore, and they are Swedish. Work that one out!”

She barked out another laugh.

“And then there’s always Jimmy, if we’re talking foreign, but I am sure he does it deliberately”

So we listened to her choices, including a couple of discs she had with her of the Swedish stuff, and she and Alys spoke about all sorts of things, most of which seemed to have been missing from the information her wonderful shrink had delivered. In particular, Annie spoke about sexuality, which could have been disturbing coming from anyone else. I think it was her obvious vulnerability that made the biggest difference, keeping us grounded.

“Yes, it was strange. Steph seems to have been much the same as me, in that we each saw someone else first, went all dreamy, and then, bang! I gather your, um, therapist is a bit hard line?”

Alys nodded, raising our linked hands to show Annie.

“Real girls chase boys”

Annie nearly spilled her tea, snorting with sudden laughter.

“Oh dear! We will have to introduce him to Shan’s Mum Ginny. Lucky again, me and Steph, aye? Our shrinks were sensible people; ended up as friends. Oh hell, two of the ones we know even ended up married through us. No! Not TO us, obviously”

She poured a little spilt tea back into her cup from the saucer.

“It’s a big thing, realising what you are. So many of us spend an eternity trying to say who we are, we lose sight of the what. Sounds nasty, that; maybe a better way is to say who we want to be with. Minefield that”

She cast a sharp look my way.

“The worst fallout is on the other person, all too often. Eric got it, and I hear that Geoff had some nastiness as well, so, well… That’s the thing, aye? Both me and Steph, we found the right person. I mean different right persons, of course, but you get me. Always been there for us, they have. That’s what I feel from you two, but please don’t see that as some sort of pressure. You, we, we have the best part of two months to let the world settle down after all of this crap”

“Yup, one straight couple, one gay one. And the girl he sorted, the gay doctor, aye? She’s a lesbian, but her wife isn’t, wasn’t, whatever. Sweet woman, the wife. Lot of strength in her, but she knew who she loved, knew it was the same person in the end. That’s something I was really touched by, you know. Let me see how lucky I’ve been, just like you two. We know who we are, and we know we are loved. Ahead on a lot more than points, aye? Now, Alys, Jan sent this for you”

She reached into the satchel she had brought in with her, and pulled out a bodhran.

“On loan, she said, but no hurry. I can’t see you working a drum kit any time soon, so we thought this would let you get some music out, aye? Like an abscess, that can be, painful until you let it flow”

She actually stopped dead after that remark, then shook her head.

“God, I’m getting as bad as Ginny! Anyway, folk club, aye? We all going?”

I looked across at my girl, seeing how tight her lips were, jaw muscles clenched. A squeeze of my hand, and she nodded.

“Shout of life, isn’t it? Granny Weatherwax, I aten’t dead or whatever”

To my surprise, Annie was bright pink, the blush deepening as I stared, and she held up a hand.

“Not saying… Sod it. Near misses, close calls, aye? There are, sometimes, traditional, arsebollocks. Sometimes you react to things like that. As a couple. Enough said, okay? Shall we just stick to music this time?”

She rose, in a bit of a hurry.

“More tea?”, she said, and vanished into the kitchen. I turned to look at Alys, who was almost holding her breath.

“Enfys, do not make me laugh. It still hurts. Did you work out what she meant?”

I nodded.

“It was having sex, wasn’t it? She was talking about shagging”

A slower nod from Alys.

“I think we need to change the subject, my love”

When we came to the evening of the club, Alys insisted on walking down, despite my pleas, and when I finally agreed, she simply whispered that we were less likely to get arrested for indecency than if we followed Annie’s alleged example. Alys could still dead-pan, it seemed. Geoff ran my harp down to the Cow in his van, and we all descended on the pub together from the Edwards place, Neil appearing at the last minute, this time beaming with delight at seeing Alys up, walking, and in her best blue dress. It was an open-floor night, no paid guest, so we were able to fit in some solo stuff, as well as the ‘family band’ stuff, and I was suddenly a world away from the horrible ten days or so we had all just managed to survive. The regulars were solicitous towards Alys, although I did spot a glare from a couple who left early. Alys touched my arm and whispered, “Ifor’s parents, love”

Dad’s mate Illtyd overheard somehow, and put his own hand on top of Alys’.

“Fuck them both, love. On their own here in those opinions, ah? Start anything and---ah, they knew that, and that’s why they left. Pay them no heed. Little bird tells me that the nice boys in the blue uniforms are keeping an eye on people who let drunken shits drive their cars around and hurt people. No heed, okay? Now, I’m off to do a song or two, but I think your mate Neil is done for the night. Dil’s boy can give him a lift home after, so don’t worry”

He squeezed her hand, and with it my arm, kissed each of us on the cheek, and strolled over to do his spot. A couple of performances later, and it was our turn to do the ensemble thing, and that was most definitely the high point of the evening, as both Steph and Annie let themselves go in such a spectacular way that they even woke Neil. I didn’t have a hope of keeping up with them in virtuosity, so settled down to help drive the rhythm, and despite the rather unpleasant nature of the simile Annie had delivered, I could see how it worked.

The music came out of us, out of all of us, and with it went pain, sorrow, so much of our fear. Steph summed it up as she announced the encore we had been forced into.

“Well, thank you. Many of you know we have, well, some people have had a pretty bad time over the last week or so. We have just the tune to finish with: Banish Misfortune!”

With a quick whisper to Alys, “It’s a jig, 6/8 time”, we were off. It was one of my favourite tunes to play, as Steph knew, so she kept the speed down to my own level, and it was fun, and loud, and silly, and Alys was smiling.

I squeezed in beside her that night, tired but happy, and realised, even more than I already had. that it wasn’t just Alys who was loved.

Three days later, and she was with me at the bunkhouse. There wasn’t much she could do physically, but she was there, and her smile was for me, and that was all the help I needed. Steph and the others had left for home by then, but I had found time to give Steph the lightest of grillings, well away from her friend.

“What happened to her, Steph? Don’t need to tell me everything, but she seems to have really bonded with Alys. Something shared?”

We were sitting on the wall outside the bunkhouse, part way through packing the van up, a jump seat in place for Annie’s ride home. Steph sighed, wincing a little.

“Yes, love. A bit. Annie was in Traffic for years. What happened to those kids in the car, well, that’s the sort of thing she got all the time. Messy, nasty, horrible stuff. I mean, I’ve had a couple of deaths at work, but she got the really nasty, in-your-face stuff”

She looked up for a few seconds as a brace of jet trainers roared overhead.

“Do you know what the worst thing is, at least for me? What you are looking to study, well, you are likely to find yourself in the same place, so… It’s futility, love. Failure. That person, that human being, they were alive until they met you. Guilt, that’s what you feel. Annie had that day after day, and then there was the bomb”

That shocked me upright.

“Bomb?”

Steph nodded at me.

“Yes, a bomb. Friend of ours, some nasty people stuck a device under his car. Annie was there, did what needed doing, saved den’s life, to be honest, then had a breakdown. When we were coming up, the two of us, she’d heard the news. Typical of her, that is. All the shit that triggers her, and she’s straight there, trying to make it better. Sound woman, she is. She’s left Alys her number, just in case”

I must have looked a little off in some way, because Steph put her hand on mine.

“No jealousy, love. Just someone who’s been there offering an understanding ear. Now, shall we get the rest of this squared away? According to Annie, her man has promised a blow-out when we get back. Full curry and beer experience”

Another bark of laughter.

“Cheeky bugger is using Chez Woodruff, though. He says there’s more room, and he’s right, so if he needs all that space, I am asking myself how many of our friends will be needing somewhere to kip”

She waved behind her.

“Sometimes, I wonder if it would be easier if we took on a place like this!”

The three of them were away an hour later, Neil with them, looking slightly ashamed as he said his farewells, looking ready to roast in his leathers under the sun of a brilliant Summer’s day.

“Sorry for getting so pissed, girls”

Alys shook her head, stepped forward and kissed him gently on the lips.

“You will never, ever say sorry to me again, understood? Safe ride home, my friend. And wish me luck”

He paused, halfway through putting his helmet on.

“Luck?”

She reached out her hand to pull me to her, then slipped an arm around my waist.

“My stuff is still with the police for now, but Dad says he and Mr Hiatt have made me a new grid. There’s a bit of old quarry I hadn’t finished assessing. Bikes, ah?”

“Bikes?”

She grinned.

“And horses. What you do when you fall off one. Got a sherpa porter person woman here to carry my stuff, and her Dad’s made us sandwiches and a flask. I aten’t dead yet!”

He hugged us both, gingerly for Alys, and then he was easing his bike down the steep lane to the A5. My girl squeezed my waist again, then whispered in my ear.

“Annie’s idea, it was”

She kissed my cheek, then giggled.

“Can’t do the shagging, love, but I fully intend to find somewhere private for some very, very prolonged snogging. Any objections?”

I didn’t need to think about that one. We were late home, but there were smiles for us.

Not dead.

CHAPTER 29
It was the start of a wonderful month, made even better by the simple fact that there was no way at all that Mr and Mrs Edwards would be heading off castle-snapping. I was starting to see them as being as much a part of my family as my own parents, and being together was a blessing. I could never discount the reason, never forget it, but as she healed physically, my lover seemed to be finding her own spark again. We had a treat ahead, of course, at the end of August, but it was the weeks at home that I loved.

It wasn’t the best Summer for weather, but Dad’s customers were always hardy souls, and wet weather was just something they accepted as the price for being in the hills. The fly in our own little pot of ointment was an appearance in Coroner’s Court to decide on the reason for the deaths of four young people from my school.

We weren’t called. We didn’t need to be there, as it was only considering how the car went off the bridge. I did not want to be there. Alys was insistent, however, and so we sat in uncomfortable seats, just as uncomfortable in our thoughts, as legal people asked police officers and doctors all sorts of questions about tyre marks, airbags, blood alcohol and other stuff, and Alys squeezed the life out of my hand. Partway through, we were joined by Sali Masters, who gave us both a tight little smile before taking Alys’ other hand, while a number of bereaved parents sat well away from us.

I did notice one thing, and that was the gap between the Walters and the other parents. I sensed that they hadn’t exactly approved of the company Rhianon had kept. I simply did my best to ignore them, as Alys seemed to, but every so often, I caught Sali glaring at the Watkins. No love lost there, it seemed, and I had to wonder why.

There was no long wait, no retired jury, none of the drama so familiar to me from television shows, just a short absence of the judge or coroner or whatever he was called, and then a declaration that the deaths of four children were down to the utter stupidity of a mother allowing her son, off his face on booze and cannabis, to drive three friends about In her car. Apparently, we had missed her own trial.

Over, done, case closed, and official recognition of what being an arsehole can cost four people, as well as their families. I almost felt sorry for them, but not quite.

That was our Summer, then. My lover’s ribs slowly healed, and her laughter crept back into her voice and eyes. There were dark moments, especially in the small hours, but she was there, with and for me, and yes, there was snogging. We even had another visit from Neil, who stayed relatively sober, even giving Alys a ride on the back of his bike, and Mam caught me as I laughed at her clutching Neil’s waist with knuckles that would have shown white if not for the gloves she was wearing.

“Black and white, love”

“Sorry, Mam?”

“Light and darkness, then. Contrast. You only really appreciate some things when they’re gone, or nearly. Not saying I want her gone, of course, but you’re both laughing again, which is… Never mind. You know what I mean. Now, you up for a train ride again?”

She was holding a small envelope with a recorded delivery label.

“Annie, Steph and the rest were pretty sure you’d want to go again, but with all the… I wanted to be sure you were both up to it as well as, well, up for it. Your friends put their money together and bought you these, but things happened, and I don’t just mean the bad stuff. We wanted your heads clear for your O-levels, and then, well. Watching her over the last weeks, again, well. You want? It’ll be straight back to school afterwards, of course”

“Can I ask her when she gets back?”

Mam kissed me on the cheek.

“My darling, that is possibly the most mature thing you have ever said. Cuppa?”

When Neil roared back up to the bunkhouse, he held the bike upright to let Alys dismount, then rolled over to the spot he usually parked his bike. Alys waited for him to return, clearly unsure about how her helmet unfastened, and then she was grinning at me, hair all over the place. I returned her beam.

“Enjoyed that, then?”

“Oh yeah! But I don’t think I can do that on a regular basis. You just have to hang on, no control”

Mam handed her and Neil a mug each.

“Learn to ride for yourself, then; I did”

I looked her over, spotting the smirk hiding badly behind her poker face.

“Mam, the way you tell it, Dad did all the riding”

“Yup. Not stupid, me: best way to keep my front warm and keep all the rain off”

Neil was laughing raucously, as Alys joined in, and yes: it was a good Summer, despite how it had started. We walked for miles, even in the rain, and Alys had a moment of real excitement on finding some sundew, and both of us practised like mad for the sessions we would no doubt be playing at the end of August. That meant the Cow’s folk nights, of course, and the first thing that we noticed on our first trip there after Court was the complete absence of any member of the Watkins and Jones families.

What did catch my eye was the woman called Pat, and her taller friend, who turned up for one of the club nights. This time, there were four younger people with them, all girls. I wasn’t paying them much attention until Alys nudged me.

“Enfys?”

“That’s my name”

“Those girls over there?”

“Yeah?”

“Have another look. I think I have company”

“You’ve got me, love”

“No. I think one of those girls is like me”

“Oh? Which one?”

“Not saying, and don’t stare”

“You said to have another look!”

“Yes, and you’ve done that”

“You going to say hello?”

She looked down at the table for a few seconds before replying.

“No. Don’t think it would be right; she looks nervous, and that other woman is looking really scary. Don’t think the girl’s been out long. Leave her be, I think. Anyway, they’ve brought your harp out, so time to do your thing”

There was a slightly smug look on her face when we left for home, and all I could think was that she had watched the other girl while counting her blessings, and found that she had come out ahead. Definitely healing, thank god.

That time, I was ready for the way the train changed direction at Chester, just as I had grown used to having a young woman settled comfortably against me, and after we had negotiated the caravan wasteland, the miles had flown by. That time, we were collected from the station by Bill, but the process was the same, even down to the complaints about late arrivals. We were pitched up in the same place, the Edifice as imposing as ever, and the kettle already hot, Shan acting as Duty Wench for the moment. We were passed from hug to hug, each of them in turn checking that Alys’ ribs were up to it, and then we were faced with strangers, no fewer than seven of them; six and a half, rather, as one of them was a small boy. Annie called from behind us, introducing the newcomers, each of whom gave a little nod as their name was given.

“Girls, these are Sally and Stewie, Shan’s Mums Ginny and Kate, and my mates Kirsty and Den and their little D.A. Don’t get him wet, or feed Ginny after midnight. Or before, aye?”

The last, a very tall woman with an explosion of shocking scarlet hair, pouted theatrically.

“Could fall out with you, Price!”

“Johnson!”

“Patriarchal tool of the fascist oppressor!”

“Vegetarian!”

“Welshwoman!”

The red-haired woman turned to us, and in an utterly matter-of-fact voice remarked, “Don’t need to think up any insults for her, cause the truth is bad enough. I’m Ginny, one of Shan’s mums. Which of you is which?”

I pointed to my lover first, giving her name, and then myself, and the woman nodded.

“Right. Bit of advice: don’t expect sanity here. It’s overrated, in my opinion. WANT CHIPS TONIGHT!”

Jan called out over the laughter, “Depends on when Kelly and Mark get down, Ginny. Anyway, these two need to sort their bedding out, and then there’s a practice session before the first band”

“We doing any dancing? Not done any of that stuff since school, and that was the Gay Gordons, and just no!”

I didn’t know whether to run or laugh, until the woman called Sally raised a hand.

“Don’t worry, Enfys. Two of us are licensed to supply tranquillisers if necessary. Just say the words, and I will fetch the dart gun. Best done from a safe distance”

They carried on like that for another few minutes, until we left them to sort out our little ‘room’, and on our return, we found that Mark and Kelly had indeed arrived. More hugs, more tea, a practice session, some dancing followed by a couple of bands I had never heard of, and in the middle of it all, we had CHIPS. We staggered back to our tents, and Alys only had one episode of the night terrors.

Life was getting back to something I could enjoy.

We both had an idea of how festivals worked by then, with our wide experience of exactly one visit to the same event, so it wasn’t anywhere near as much of an avalanche of new experiences as the first one had been. I noticed that Alys was spending quite a lot of time with Chantelle, and as they held their little private chats, there were frequent touches, as well as hugs. It didn’t grate, and I didn’t ask questions, but I remembered what my girl had said about the young woman in pink.

I didn’t ask, I really didn’t want to know details, but I was starting to work out what Alys had meant when she had mentioned what Shan’s childhood had consisted of. ‘Bad times’; dear god. Put it behind you, Enfys; smile with her and for her, and watch her heal.

Tuesday morning came as a shock--- where had the weekend gone? We had memories, many of them consisting of Annie and Steph going as utterly insane in their playing as Mum Ginny did in her speech. Mr Kerr was there, playing his usual silly games with accent and language, and we ended up on the Monday night as a massively extended ‘family’ group. The man called Stewie had a clarinet, which fitted into our little orchestra nicely, and both Shan and Kelly did some of their clog-dancing stuff, until a funny little man asked Steph, very politely, if we wouldn’t mind playing for a set of dancers.

As one group of festivalgoers bellowed away in a singalong at the far end of the big bar, eight random people worked through what was called ‘a longways four couple set’ dance, and there was laughter yet again, and twinkling eyes, and I almost forgot about four dead children and a broken lover.

Not dropping you, girl. No more breaking, ever.

CHAPTER 30
Mr Edwards was the one who picked us up from the station, with a forceful hug for both of us together and then each in turn, and an even more forceful reminder that we had less than a week before the start of the new school year.

“Going to need to split up, girls. The last thing any of us needs is for the gossip mill to get started”

Alys squeezed my arm, then put a finger to my lips as I started to speak.

“I know what Enfys wants to say, Dad, and it will be stuff about not being ashamed, all that”

She looked me in the eye, before smiling as she turned her head to speak to the back of her father’s.

“I was going to say something like ‘all that rubbish about not being ashamed’, but it’s not rubbish, is it? Enfys, till I’m eighteen, and signed off by the shrinks, we still need to be careful”

She shook her head, then grinned at me.

“Yes, it’s ‘we’. You’re not the only one who isn’t ashamed here”

Her Dad chuckled, waving his left hand over his shoulder.

“Sometimes we get things right, your Mam and me! Enfys, it’s an extended family meal at your place tonight. Both mothers are doing the cooking--- I’ve heard about Keith’s abilities”

I couldn’t argue with that one, so I settled back into our snuggle on the back seat.

“How was the weekend girls?”

I answered for us, as Alys was taken by another attack of the giggles.

“Much like last year, but with a few more of their friends along. One of them said we shouldn’t expect sanity, and that it’s overrated. That sort of weekend”

Alys moved mu hand, so that her mouth was free to speak.

“Dad?”

“Yes, love?”

“Could we all go together one year? Take the harp with us?”

“Don’t see why not. Could always see if anyone wants a feature done, I suppose, and it’s out of the school year. Keith might have a problem though, in peak season. We’ll have a think, and we have a year to decide”

“Thanks, Dad. Any idea what they are cooking tonight?”

“Stroganoff, I believe, which reminds me: we need to pick up some ale on the way”

“Dad?”

“Yes again?”

“You do know the festival has a real ale thing on as well?”

“I take back everything I said about me and Mam getting anything right!”

We made a brief stop in Asda to pick up some of the required ales, as well as a mix of finger foods and desserts, before getting back onto the A5 for the run home. The welcome there was just as warm, the meal was superb, and the finger food served us later as snacks while we held a near-repeat of that video night that already seemed a lifetime ago. Alys, Nansi Edwards and I shared a bottle of wine, while the other three worked through the mixture of beers, as videos and still pictures flowed across our TV screen. Mam snorted happily, until that changed to a coughing fit as she couldn’t hold the laughter back. Once she had her breathing under control, she waved at the sight of Steph and Annie doing their unhinged thing. Ginny had been absolutely right in her comments about sanity.

“I’d forgotten she can get like that, but her mate, oh god! Separated at birth or what?”

Alys lowered her glass.

“That’s Annie. Absolutely sweetness and light, butter wouldn’t melt, till she gets going. Lots of talent in that lot. It’s why I want to take the harp next time, cause none of them can compete there”

I had picked up that phrasing earlier, so I raised an eyebrow at her.

“THE harp? Not MY harp?”

“Well, what’s mine is yours, right? So what’s yours is ours. Fair’s fair!”

Once again, I couldn’t argue with that point, although I suspected I was missing some sneaky bit of language somewhere. It did warm my heart, though; Alys had always been a bit of a tease, playful in her conversation, at least since she had been Alys and herself, rather than a confused and depressed ‘boy’.

Far too few days later, I was riding down to the school once more. I say ‘far too few’, but it actually felt like an age, because Alys and I were once more apart, for the sake of what Mam called ‘appearances’ but which felt to me far more like ‘disappearance’. We were friends, close ones, but no more. We shared many classes, but on others we would be apart. Everything that we had shared through the holidays had to be wrapped carefully and placed in storage until we were freed from the need to prioritise her future, and I suppose it was one more touch of what must have been my own impending maturity that I was able to handle our separation without any equivalent of a foot-stamp and shout of ‘IT’S NOT FAIR!’

She was already at the gate when I arrived, and I got a smile, as well as a suitably distant hug, before I locked the bike up and we made our way together to registration, which was still with Mrs Preece, who gave us both a long stare as we entered. Here we go, I thought. One more drip of the tap, one more little prod; I could see my love’s shoulders sag in anticipation. Mrs Preece picked up the register, and began the ritual

“Ailsa!”

“Yes!”

“Alwyn!”

“Here”

“Alys!”

She jerked in shock, but managed an “Um, yes! Here!”, before Mrs Preece, after another sharp look at her, carried on with the girls, before turning to the same sexist surname game she always inflicted on the boys. Mrs Preece finished calling the roll, then settled back onto her perch on the edge of her desk.

“This is what may be called an orientation talk, as the Americans would put it, but I prefer to say that I will now set out some new ground rules. Today, you have crossed a Rubicon in your academic career. You are no longer schoolchildren, but students. Yes, I do know that many people use that word to refer to anyone in education, but I do not, for there is a fundamental difference. You are here to study, and not because the law requires that you do so but because you have chosen that path. It brings privileges, but also responsibilities. We will be looking to appoint prefects from among you, and you will remember, for it is not a choice, that you now represent the school.

“For yourselves, this is the most important part of your life so far. Work hard, gain the best results you can, and the world will open for you like a flower. Lack of effort, on the other hand, will bring other, far less welcome, results”

She paused for breath,, or perhaps for dramatic purposes, before glancing sharply at Alys.

“I am certain that each and every one of you knows what happened a few weeks ago. There will be no repeat of such attitudes, or that voluntary choice of academic career will be curtailed, once again as the Americans say, with the most extreme of prejudice. There will be no second chance, for such actions are not ones that can ever be undone. Do I make myself clear?”

There was a mumbled chorus of assent, with more than a few glances towards Alys, Sali squeezing her shoulder, and then Mrs Preece began the ‘orientation’, covering topics such as common room access, uniform policy and so on. She finished, to my astonishment, with a laugh.

“Over the next two years, I anticipate many of you will pass your driving tests. Yes, there will be a small number of places to park for those who get cars, but always remember that there is one golden rule that must be respected: none of you is allowed to bring a car that makes ours, the teachers’, look bad”

A pause, and then, amazingly for her, a grin.

“Unless that car belongs to Mr Potter, of course! Welcome to young adulthood; your study plans and timetables are in the envelopes on the table on the right. Good luck!”

That was the start of some serious challenges, for everything was different, from the attitude of our teachers to the odd deference that the very youngest children showed us. The work was indeed hard, but it was done in lessons and tutorials where our teachers engaged with us rather than simply handing down their message like some odd version of Moses and the tablets of the law. I could see so much of my mother in the way our lessons worked, and it suddenly made sense, especially as we were doing such a reduced number of courses and subjects. As the weeks went by, I found myself staying on after the end of lessons, and it was voluntarily.

Our school music sessions continued almost unchanged, but our fortnightly climbing trips changed markedly, at least for me, as Mr Lewis was using me more as a second instructor than as a pupil. He explained that to me with a grin, halfway through the first of the new school year’s sessions at Tryfan Fach.

“Enfys, no talking rubbish here—you are a far, far better climber than I will ever be. I have only two things I can offer, and the first is simply—Ha! ‘Simply’, he says. The first thing is advice and experience in handling groups, which I hope and trust will give you a head start at university”

“What’s the other one?”

Yet another grin, something I was starting to expect from our teachers at the new and heady heights of the Sixth Form.

“Oh, I am a coward when it comes to climbing, or, as I prefer to put it, I have a healthy dislike of forceful impacts with the ground. Accordingly, I can be more than a little devious and sneaky when it comes to finding places for gear. Seriously, I have a couple of books to lend you; I’ll let you have them after the lesson—oh, for god’s sake! Gethin Wallis, you have got your leg through the waistbelt!”

He grinned again.

“First lesson, there: never underestimate what they can get wrong, and check it three times”

The books turned out to be small paperbacks (plastic, in one case, to be precise) by a man called Bill March, and they were all about rope techniques in mountaineering, from knots through belays to roped rescue techniques, and if I felt one thing on reading them, it was the simple realisation of exactly how little I really knew. It fitted, though: if I had to be sneaky around Alys, then I could certainly pick some other devious habits up for my climbing!

There was a down side, of course. I wanted a better bike, but at the same time I NEEDED so much new gear. Rocks, Friends, sticky boots…

Ah well. I shrugged my mental shoulders, and accepted my future life of being gear-rich and money-poor. Life was still good, though, and getting better, as certain events faded a little as the rains of autumn settled in.

I added ‘new cag trousers’ to my wish list.

CHAPTER 31
My head felt a little off-kilter when I woke up, Alys still snoring away beside me. It was raining outside, of course. I sat up in my bag just as Dad put his head round the dormitory’s door, making the universal gesture that meant ‘Want a cuppa?’, and I nodded in reply, a little gingerly. That would be a hangover, then…

Just over eighteen months as one of Mrs Preece’s ‘young adults’, both of us were now legally past that birthday, and finally, finally, a certain clinic and its doctors had given Alys two separate letters confirming her status. So often, I had heard the phrase ‘roller-coaster ride’, and what I felt now was the end of the run-in, where everything slows to a crawl so you can get off the car.

I looked down at her, mouth open in sleep, and realised that we wouldn’t actually be climbing off the ride, but going round again, especially seeing the way the hormones had affected her moods when she had started on HRT a year before.

Personal needs… I unzipped my bag, trying to keep the noise of the zip as quiet as possible, and started to slip out of it, still in knickers and T-shirt, but grabbing my fleece and Ron Hills as I rose. Sali stirred as I passed her, and I repeated the gesture Dad had made, pointing towards the common room.

Liquid out, much nicer stuff waiting in a mug when I settled onto one of the bench seats by the huge dining table.

“Thanks, Dad! Need this, I do”

He smiled fondly at me.

“Fragile?”

“A little. Trying to keep up with Alys. She was a woman on a mission last night!”

Still that fond smile.

“Well, she would be. Huge thing for her, that birthday. And the doctors’ letters, of course”

“Dad?”

“Yes, love?”

“Thank you”

“What for?”

“Letting us use this place. Bringing so many of our friends over. Being…”

I found myself crying, for some reason.

“Being the sort of father I needed. Sorry; bit overwhelmed at all this”

He shuffled over to hug me, as Sali came into the room in pyjamas and dressing gown. She came across to hug both of us, then stepped away, smiling.

“I’ll stir the others, then come back for a tea and we can get breakfast started. That the oven on already?”

Dad nodded.

“Yup; sausages are browning, and I set a pot of beans and one of toms on low heat. Big pot of porridge just about ready. Good night last night?”

Sali snorted.

“So much bloody snogging, I didn’t know where to look!”

I sat up a little straighter.

“We have had to be more than a little hidden away, girl. Safe now, so what did you expect?”

Sali was shaking her head, holding up a hand in denial.

“Not you two, Enfys! That woman with the flute and her man, oh dear!”

I pointed past her towards the door.

“That woman with the flute…”

Sali turned quickly, as I paused for effect.

“… is not standing behind you”

“Oh, you sod, Hiatt!”

I grinned, and went over to the stove, giving the two massive pots a stir as Sali went to wake the rest, and as the door closed, I was setting out rashers of bacon on the grill pan. It had indeed been a hell of a night, after an amazing year. So many highlights, including our third Shrewsbury trip, still just the two of us, after a Summer touring Scotland for more castle twitching and ‘random’ meetings with Steph’n’Geoff in a number of climbing areas, which had included an incredible ridge traverse on the Aonach Eagach overlooking Glencoe, as well as a technically easy but engrossing ascent of Tower Ridge on Ben Nevis.

The Woodruffs had wanted to do an even longer ridge on Skye, but the weather had been almost as bad as the midges, so we had agreed to abandon that idea. What I had picked up were some really valuable pointers on ‘big mountain’ climbing, in situations where the descent could be almost as prolonged and difficult as the route itself, with a much greater need for survival equipment. I had found my viewpoint changing steadily, especially when Steph had pointed out the extra risks that winter would bring. The first lesson I picked up was simply that I had so, so much to learn.

The other big set of lessons, in riding a motorbike, were due to start in a week’s time. My parents had been very, very insistent that I wasn’t to be allowed anywhere near a steering wheel until I understood what bikers needed. I actually found that idea far more worrying than I had the narrower bits of that ridge over Glen Coe. I could cope with the technical challenges when climbing, and prepare for the weather’s own little games, but I had seen enough stupidity on the roads while cycling to leave me more than a little apprehensive. It would mean trusting other people to make sensible decisions, and all I needed for evidence of the utter fallacy of that idea, apart from how drivers behaved around me, would be a quick look at some of the footwear exhibited around the summit of Yr Wyddfa.

Put those thoughts away, girl. As I slipped the bacon under the gas, I heard more feet on the stairs, and gradually the room filled with their owners. It was a real mix, for of course we had the Woodruffs and Johnsons, with a few of their extended families, as well as a collection of girls from school leavened with three of the boys.

I mentally slapped myself: men, not boys, not now. Alys was among the new arrivals, and as I gave another stir to the beans, she slipped her arms around me and kissed the back of my neck. Not ashamed, ever, and now no longer to be hidden away. I squeezed her hand where it lay on my waist.

“How’s your head, love?”

She patted my side fondly.

“Not too bad, considering the number of empties in that bin bag over there”

“I don’t think they all came from you, even if you did try your best”

“Your Dad’s mate was no slouch”

“Which one? Neil or Illtyd?”

“I meant Illtyd, but now you mention it… I’m going to take a cuppa up to Neil, just in case. Hi, Shan: he up yet?”

Miss Pink laughed.

“Soon as that bacon smell gets up there, they’ll all be down. Even Mum Ginny, if she was here. Says it’s one thing even veggies can’t resist. Tea in that pot?”

It wasn’t long before I was being handed plates, bowls and camping pans to load with food, including the scrambled eggs Sali whipped up in another giant pot. Conversation noise and laughter built steadily as the dorms emptied and the common room filled, and then I was pulled away from the stove by Dad.

“Sit and eat yours, love, while there’s still some left. I know this lot. Even if I don’t actually know them, I still know what they’re like, if you see what I mean. Gannets, all of them”

I found myself smiling at the picture, but it was seagulls I saw in my mind’s eye. Even on the tops of the Three Thousands, there were gulls hanging around looking for scraps. That was so different from some of the tops the woodruffs had taken us to in the Cairngorms, where the bird life, according to Alys, had been mainly meadow pipits and wheatears. I squeezed in between Neil and Annie with a fully loaded plate of calories and a brimming bowl of porridge, and as I proceeded to fuel myself, the laughter and teasing continued around me. As soon as my porridge was gone, someone put a plate of toast in front of me, and that was done without me even spotting who it had been.

Just one of those mornings.

We had timed the celebration for a Friday night, so that those who had travelled from further away might have more time to enjoy the hills. Dad had kept the bunkhouse closed to external bookings for the weekend, so that we had room for guests that didn’t have to involve tents and transport up and down the valley. The Cow had almost been bursting with the numbers, and of course we had to take over the folk evening in our own way, which was when sanity finally waved a rapid farewell as Mr Conway gave up trying to separate the notional floor spots, and we turned the evening into one long session. Mrs Edwards had kept her sober head on, so she was able to run a shuttle service for those who hadn’t wanted to walk all the way back up, but once her last run was done, she had parked up at home and joined the rest of us in banishing that sobriety and embracing inebriation like a long-lost friend.

I had ended up in a cuddle with her back at the bunkhouse, and she had been forthright indeed about Alys.

“So good, this. So… so, such a relief, love. We thought, you know. Lost her again. But there she is. Look at that smile! How could those doctors not have seen that from day one? Life in her now, so much of it! What you doing if you get the results?”

I tried to shrug, squeezed together as we were, but it was more of a wriggle.

“You know that—the adventure sports stuff”

“Yeah, yeah. I know that. That placement year thing—what are you doing then?”

“Looking to do Plas y Brenin, if we get the chance. Dad said he’d have some words. Got mates there”

“Yeah, well Alys has big ideas. Wants to do somewhere exotic. Somewhere warm”

“She hasn’t mentioned that to me yet”

“Yeah. You need to talk to her. Worried she’ll upset you, she is. Wants to go somewhere there’s less rain, or at least where the rain is warmer”

She shook herself, looking at her glass.

“I only wanted to catch the rest of you up, not beat you to the finish. Talk to her, Enfys, not tonight, though. It’s… Look at that smile!”

I could almost read her mind just then, and there were words there, written in her own smile, and the way her eyes had followed my lover around the room. One word in particular.

Relief.

CHAPTER 32
We fed everyone, at least those who wanted feeding, and then it was time for a weather check. It had rained in the night, so a lot of the crags were moist enough to put the serious climbers off, but Dad had already sorted out a fallback plan.

We made our way in a solid mass of people down to the main road, shedding several of our schoolmates en route. The T10 bus dropped us all off at Gwern Gof Isaf, where we started the short ascent of Braich y Ddeugwm. Nobody felt safe to drive, after such a night, but the air was helping with hangovers, and the walking was simple and safely away from tricky ground. We had divided our route into two options, with a wimping out spot, as Neil called it, by Llyn Caseg Fraith, where the Miners’ Path led down to the gap between Tryfan and Bristly Ridge before dropping past Bochlwyd to Idwal Cottage. Those planning on staying the course would then continue up and over the two Glyderau before dropping down to the same spot for tea and a snack. In the end, nobody ‘wimped’, which left us with the traditional game of ‘How many people can we get onto the Cantilever at once?’, and a set of photos taken by a passing couple of walkers. The skies weren’t exactly blue, but the cloud-base was well clear of the summits. We arrived at the Ogwen Falls car park, and that was another present from friends, as Sali and the other girls shelled out for a hot drink for all of us.

I couldn’t think of anywhere better to live, especially as I drank my tea sitting on one of the low walls with my lover slumped against me.

“Alys?”

“Mmm?”

“Wondering… Look, assume we get our places at Uni, okay? Get the right A-level grades?”

“Yes…”

“Well, it means Mam can run us there and back. Just her work commute, isn’t it?”

“Well, yes. I did think there… Enfys, I’ve been thinking about this, and it’s four years, all told, if we include the placement year”

“And?”

“In the nicest of ways, do we want to be tied to your Mam all that time?”

My heart had lurched at the first ‘thinking about this’, my self-belief so fragile, but she was smiling at me, even if there was a hint of a blush there. This was the new Alys, the survivor; she was clearly looking to make her own choices.

She looked down at her knees for an instant, then back up, staring straight into my eyes.

“I was wondering if we could share somewhere closer to the Uni, love”

My mouth opened and closed a few times, then I just nodded. I wanted to say so, so much, but the words were not there for me. She continued what was now obvious to me as a prepared speech, her hand trembling as she held mine, doing her best to justify her plan, until I simply kissed her, pulled back, and said “Yes”

We settled back into a hug, looking over towards the chaotic slopes of Pen yr Ole Wen, but she was silent only for a few seconds.

“Gap year, then. Placement thing. You are doing it at the Brenin, aren’t you?”

“Should be. Dad says they are willing to have me”

“Fine. I… Enfys, I have dreams, you know”

“I know, love. So do I”

“Yes, but this is… I don’t want to leave you here, please understand, but I really want to do something special with my placement. There’s a thing, a team, working on dieback in Australia. That’s a sort of infection the plants get that causes them to rot and die. They know what it is, and they’re working on how to stop it. It’s a big thing, real conservation work, and…”

She looked at me again, and this time there was a much better grin.

“The birdwatching would be amazing. Trouble is, we’d be apart for most of a year. First time. We’d…”

She sat up straight, shoulders squared.

“That’s my plan, love. We see how well we live together, then how well we survive… how well our LOVE survives time apart. I have to know, love. Make a difference”

She turned away again, settling back into my arms as her voice broke a little once more.

“Been a target all my life, Enfys. Only thing I ever did to make a difference was when I did that thing to get my parents to listen. Everything else has been done to me by someone else. I need to see if I can go out and make that difference back. Can you understand that?”

I hugged her to me, feeling her trembling, doing my best to ease it by cuddling her close.

“Yes. I believe I can. If it’s what you need…”

Suddenly, I found myself laughing, possibly in relief, but at least it was a genuine sound.

“What’s funny, love?”

“Oh, Alys! It just struck me: how many other lesbians of our age are there going to be round here?”

“And how many did you want there to be?”

“Just you. That’s all. Now, my bum is getting cold on this stone. Time to head for the bus stop?”

She shook her head.

“Not just yet, love. It’s… Worried, yeah?”

She squirmed a little deeper into my embrace.

“Not sure, am I? Not… Look, I don’t know if I do ‘girl’ right, do I? How do I know if I am doing ‘lesbian’ the right way?”

Her voice dropped again, almost to a whisper, as she repeated her own words.

“I don’t even know if I’m doing ‘girl’ the right way, do I?”

I tightened my hug, a timely memory popping into my head.

“Read something once, love. Written by another trans woman, I think, about a trans girl getting told off for wearing trousers. ‘Boy’s clothes, the comment was. She says back, they’re her clothes, she’s wearing them, she’s a girl, so they are girl’s clothes. I think…”

I kissed the top of her head.

“You’re a girl, so whichever way you do things, that’s a girl’s way. Come on; bus stop”

The topic was dropped, at least as far as her trip abroad was concerned, but I resolved to see what sort of accommodation was available in Bangor. So much to think about, but, to my internal surprise, astonishingly little that worried me. We gathered the rest, and as the bus made its way down the valley to Bethesda, I raised the related question.

“Travel, aye? What’s happened to that promise from your Dad about seeing the Rhine of that river in France, with all the castles?”

Her grin was back.

“Fair point, well made, and I can get a proper passport now, one with an ‘F’ on it. Camping and foreign food do you?”

“As long as the company’s going to be good!”

Her Dad, sitting in front of us, must have overheard, turning in his seat to look back at us over his shoulder..

“Next trip is a piece on the Cathars, girls. It will be a very long drive down and back”

Alys sat up straighter.

“Where’s that, Dad?”

“Youth of today, no education… South of France, but no way are we going in July or August. Got an idea, though, on that one. University starts at the end of September. Gives us about three weeks before you’d have to be back, and if necessary we could drop you at an airport. You both up for that?”

We both nodded, and he grinned.

“Both of you are forgetting one thing, though, and that is actually getting to university in the first place. Books out when we get home, girls!”

His smile dropped a little before his next words.

“Alys spoken to you about placements, Enfys?”

I found my words missing, so just nodded, as did Mr Edwards.

“Two years to get settled, love, and things might change. Only thing we can ever guarantee, change. You’ll need to speak to your parents as well, just so your Dad can decide if he can manage this Summer on his own.

“Excuse me, Mr Edwards”

It was Sali.

“Been listening, sorry. You talking about driving all the way to the South of France, I mean. Enfys: your Dad need someone for a student job for the holidays? Would sort you out, and I could do with a little bit of work before uni”

She giggled.

“I mean, I already know where things are in the bunkhouse, after last night and that…”

She was blushing a little, so I didn’t push matters.

“I’ll ask him for you. Sounds like an idea, anyway. You not have any holidays planned?”

I got a little dig from Alys, who was waving her hand near my waist in a very clear ‘Don’t!’ signal. I gave her knee a squeeze in acknowledgement, just as the bus arrived at our stop and it was time to pile off and start the walk uphill. My lover made an excuse by fiddling with her bootlace, letting the others get a little way ahead of us, then turned to me with a slightly sad smile.

“Sali’s courting, Enfys. You catch her blush? When she said where things were in the bunkhouse?”

“Yes?”

“Well, last night, her and Colin Philips, they were finding out where things can go”

“No!”

“Yes. Round by the recycling bins. Word is that Col is going to be helping his Dad over the Summer, in the chippy”

Suddenly, she burst out laughing, and each time I went to ask her what was funny, she was hit by another wave of hilarity. Finally, as I tugged her uphill towards our homes, she managed to get the words out, one by one.

“Don’t. Talk. To. Sali. About. Battered. Sausages”

We arrived home breathless, and still snorting. Unfortunately, we still had to hit the books that evening. Our exams were almost upon us.

CHAPTER 33
My last exam was on a Thursday afternoon, and it left me drained. Alys was still due for another session, on the Friday morning, so there could be no mad celebration, or even easing of mental aches and pains, until she was finally released. I found my way to the familiar spot on the school wall, Sali joining me a few minutes later.

“You done, Enfys?”

I nodded.

“Just waiting for Alys. You?”

She slumped for a second, before looking back up at me and returning my nod.

“Yes. Finally. Couldn’t face much more; is this what it’s going to be like at university?”

“I hope not! You finally decided where you’re going?”

“Got two offers, depending on grades. Had three, to be honest, but don’t fancy one of them. In England; Salford. Thought about it, but, well, don’t fancy having to do everything in foreign. Put in for Aberystwyth and Swansea”

“You’re doing that funny design thing still?”

“Ergonomics? Yeah; they call it different things, like ‘human factor design’ and stuff, but it means the same thing. Bit scared, to be honest. Don’t know if I’m up to it. Not like you two, am I?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re both doing what you’ve always done, aren’t you? You playing with ropes, and Alys with bugs and beetles and stuff. You even have a, don’t know, crib sheet? Everything round here’s like a teaching aid for you”

She laughed, shaking her head.

“What are you doing for the Summer, Enfys?”

“Working at the bunkhouse, mostly. Mr Edwards has some photography work to do in September, before we start at college, so he says he’ll take us along for that”

“So you’re not coming with the rest of us to Tenerife, then?”

“Define ‘the rest of us’, Sali”

“Well, there’s six of us girls going”

I could see her grin trying to break free, and I couldn’t resist a little push.

“Would that be ‘six of us girls for starters’, Sali? And maybe another party, just by chance going there on the same day? Maybe, perhaps, just guessing, not a party of girls?”

Her grin came out to dance, and with it a theatrical shrug.

“Might be. That a problem?”

“You are such a tart!”

All of a sudden, she sobered.

“Enfys, the others wanted to go to Ibiza. I argued them down, okay? I did some reading, and Tenerife… It has lots of gay stuff. Ibiza, well, it’s… I just thought, if you do come, you and Alys, and it is, we all know that, you and Alys, yeah?”

She stood a little straighter, choosing her words.

“You and Alys, yeah? Gay, isn’t it? Yes, I know we talked and stuff, but it’s the whole school now. Everyone knows. Can’t really hide it now, so I thought, if you do come, it would be somewhere you could relax, be yourselves, yes?”

“When is this, Sali?”

“Two weeks. We’ve booked an apartment, in Playa de las Americas. Three bedrooms and a sofa bed”

She grinned, once again.

“My idea, that. Means we can have space if you do come. Speaking of which, here she is now. Hiya, Alys. I’ve just told her!”

They had clearly been plotting, so I put on a mock frown for my lover.

“Going behind my back, woman?”

She just laughed at me, so the frown obviously wasn’t that believable.

“Yup! Been at your parents, as well. My new passport came yesterday, and I know you’ve got yours for September!”

I found myself grinning at her.

“Some Summer we’ll have, then. I just hope we do okay for university, or it’ll be the last holiday we get”

She grinned back, her eyes crinkled in delight.

“Keep saying that!”

“Keep saying what?”

“We!”

I shook my head, then turned back to Sali as a thought arrived rather late.

“Boys, then? How many?”

She looked at her feet.

“Um, Colin and, um, four others”

“Staying where?”

There was a distinct hint of pink to her cheeks.

“Um, there’s more than one apartment in the block…”

“Right. I think two of us might need earplugs, then. Who is going, on our side?

“Me, Nea, both the Susans, Cerys and Elen. It’s Cerys and Elen who…”

Her blush was taking over her ability to speak, so I put a hand to her arm.

“The ones who aren’t expecting a friend next door? But you said there were five lads”

“Yes, but one of them is Warren, with the glasses, so not exactly on anyone’s wish list, is he?”

“The others?”

“Tomos, Ioan and Geth”

I snorted.

“Half my climbing class! You sure you don’t want to come out with us some day?”

She shook her head sharply.

“Not a topic for today, Enfys. We just need an answer as soon as possible, about you two. We’re flying from Manchester with Easyjet, but there might not be space if you leave it too late. Space on the plane, that is”

Alys coughed, in an extremely theatrical way.

“There’s space from Birmingham”

I looked hard at her, and once again there was a shrug.

“I spoke to both sets of parents, just in case”

I couldn’t work out which way I was supposed to react. Should I fall down on the side of resentment, that my life was being run for me without consultation, or on that of gratitude, that my lover felt comfortable in arranging something that she was sure would be good for us as a couple, something time critical? She was blushing a little, and then started the traditional process of over-explanation.

“It’s not just the gay bars and beaches, Enfys. There’s Spain’s highest mountain there, but it’s not really Spain, it’s Africa, so the birds are different, and it’s volcanic, so the geology is interesting, and there’s lots of climbing and serious walking and…”

I reached out and put a finger to her lips, and to my astonishment, in front of Sali and with no more than half a second of hesitation, she kissed it.

I felt myself blush slightly, so started my own excess of chatter.

“We need to talk about this, both families. It’ll be a lot of money”

She nodded.

“Already arranged, for tomorrow, once my last exam is done. Family dinner at ours”

The mood broke, and I simply started laughing.

“What a stitch up!”

Yet another shrug from her.

“Something I had to learn as a little girl, love”

Sali twitched slightly at that word, as Alys carried on.

“When you want something, it’s no good waiting for someone else to get it for you. Sometimes, the only way is to make the moves yourself. Lie when you’re not sure if a bus is due”

“Sorry?”

“Like when you’re fifty yards short of the stop, and you don’t know if it’s already gone, so you can either amble on or run, just in case, and if you don’t run, and the bus goes past when you could have caught it, and you know that you could have caught it, but you couldn’t make yourself believe, and if you had just made a move, and decided to run…”

I put my finger back to stop her babble, but this time she took my hand in hers and continued to speak.

“Sali gets it, I think. This is a girls’ holiday, love. Just girls together, even if, you know, just normal girls, and that is all I ever wanted. Like those trips to Shrewsbury, but without a safety net. I’ve wanted…”

She took a couple of deep breaths, then started again.

“I have a plan. Not holding ropes for you, but I have done a lot of research, in between revision. The mountain’s about a five too six hour walk, one way, twelve thousand feet of it. Three and a bit Wyddfas. There’s a cable car as well—no! Not suggesting we do that. Walk up, ride down, cause it’s a really big hill. There’s a permit system for the top, but there’s an organised guided group thing. That’s part of what I want to do with you, so you will need to pack walking kit”

I picked up on her phrasing, and she nodded.

“Yes: part of what I want to do. The rest… would you be okay spending a lot of our time lazing on the beach, and swimming? Eating tapas and maybe drinking a bit too much sangria?”

She grinned across to Sali.

“Nope! Clubbing is SO not us!”

She suddenly blushed.

“I was going to say something else, but not now. Anyway, Mam’s here. One more exam, then freedom. I’ll call you tonight, love!”

She was gone, and Sali was almost whispering.

“How many times did she say that word, Enfys?”

My courage was finally there, for how could it not be after my lover’s example?

“Not enough times, Sali. Nowhere near enough”

I ground my way up the hill, and started the dinner cooking in my usual way, Dad and Mam arriving as their own working days came to an end, although I knew Mam would still be sitting at her computer for several hours after dinner, as exam season was as much part of the university year as it was of our own school’s. We were having sausages and mash with carrots, red cabbage and onion gravy, so the cooking wasn’t exactly technical or difficult, but I still got a little involved in turning the links so that they didn’t explode and split as the fat bubbled away inside them. I hadn’t noticed the front door, so Mam’s appearance in the kitchen made me jump slightly.

“Smells nice, love! Dad back yet?”

“Not seen him, so no. Potatoes are ready to mash, and cabbage has just gone into the steamer”

“Good good! And is that look on your face about what I think it is?”

“You mean going behind my back with Alys? I suppose it is”

“Well, can we leave that till we’re all together? Oh, and could you open a bottle of the Burgundy to breathe while I get changed? It was your last one today, wasn’t it?”

I nodded.

“Alys still has one for tomorrow. She says we’re eating there that evening”

“Yes, if you don’t mind. Give us a chance to plan the Summer properly”

“I’m involved this time?”

“Can we hold that thought till Dad’s home? I’m off to change”

I carried on with the preparations, trying to work out where she was taking things, but it only became clear when we were all sat together and the last of the gravy was being mopped up by some crusty bread Mam had picked up fresh on her way home. Dad opened the exchange.

“Alys has spoken to you, then?”

I finished my last mouthful, nodding as I swallowed.

“Yes. It would have been nice to have known”

Mam put down her glass and took my hand.

“It was Alys who suggested we do it this way, love”

“Why?”

Dad answered that one.

“She was very clear about it, Enfys. It was all about you”

Mam was shaking her head.

“Not quite, Keith. Enfys, she was… What she said was that you didn’t need a distraction, and she needed a target. That you knew where you need to go, and she didn’t want you off the path, but that she wanted a carrot she could chase after rather than what…”

She let go of my hand to pir some more wine, then reached out for me once more.

“What she said was that you know where you are going, where you need to go, and that you will get there unless something pulls you off-route. She’s different. She says she’s been running away all her life, running from what she was born as, that even that… Even what happened with that bastard Watkins was more of the same, and now, now she has things to run to. This is part of her carrot, and if she had told you, you’d have spent all day and night worried about her being safe in the Canaries and not concentrating on your own exams”

Dad was nodding.

“She’s a very deep girl, love. Very mature for her age. Not that surprising, though, considering… Look: we’ve already got the flight tickets, and Vic and Nansi have covered the room costs. You can earn the rest, spending money and that, sort of retrospectively over the Summer, in the bunkhouse”

“But I’d already be doing that!”

Dad echoed Alys in the showiness of his shrug.

“Did you expect logic and consistency? From me?”

Fair point, fairly made, and one I could hardly argue with. I found myself welling up, so I did my best to move onto safer ground, which still meant, in the end, a session on the internet with Dad looking up route maps and topos for Mount Teide, while Mam did her ‘homework.

I lay in bed that night, mind buzzing with information and ideas, and my phone chirped beside me.

Free to chat?

I rang her number, and we talked through the same stuff my parents had covered, but the mood was so different. How on Earth could I condemn her, or fault her logic? There was one thing outstanding, though, and that was her comment as we had left school.

“What was it you were going to say, love?”

“Um, yeah. Beaches… Yes, I do want to spend time just getting all tanned, swimming and so on”

“I got that bit”

“Yeah… It’s… I was just going to say I won’t be going topless”

She paused.

“Not yet. The hormones are doing stuff, but not enough. So we will have to wait for another holiday before… Doesn’t stop you, though”

She started giggling at that point, and it was a profoundly happy sound, and the giggling led to a series of dreadful puns about spoke nipples and car air bags, until I finally called it a night and left her to sleep.

We had created a monster.

CHAPTER 34
It was the first time I had ever flown, and all too obviously the first time I had experienced the other joys of an airport, especially the other passengers. I know that my home is in a prime tourist area, but this was something completely different. Our flight left mid morning, so Mrs Edwards drove us across country well before dawn, leaving us with a hug after ensuring we were properly checked-in and queuing for the security controls, and also leaving us with a collection of people who seemed to have abandoned all taste, if they had ever owned any in the first place.

We got through those security checks reasonably quickly, and then went to find somewhere to sit and wait. There was a sort-of-pub there, and many of our fellow travellers were already drinking. From the number of empty glasses in front of some of them, it was a task they were approaching with more than a little focus and determination, even as the ability to focus on everything else disappeared. There was a branch of Addison’s nearby, and as we paid for a couple of their ‘meal deals’, I asked the cashier, Grazyna according to her name badge, about the drinking.

She sighed, shaking her head.

“The Summer, it is the worst, but it is all day that they drink. We open at four in the morning, and the beer is their breakfast. Many times, they do not leave in an aeroplane but in a police car”

She laughed, suddenly.

“When I first came to work here, that place was where! This place, it is an escape. I still see the drunks, but even this twenty metres of space, it is better than no metres and the hand on my arse. Where are you flying to, ladies? I need a boarding card for the sale”

Alys answered for us, and Grazyna chuckled.

“I will wait, then, till you add some ear plugs to your basket. Those flights can be very, very noisy”

We took her advice, and as we sat at the gate an hour later, and the sound of screaming kids and well-refreshed and over-loud conversations washed over us, I understood.

Alys was a little pensive, though, so I had to ask.

“Security, love. I was a bit worried…”

Once more, I was given a little lesson to broaden my understanding of her world, and when it was time to board and take our seats, I made sure that she got the window seat so that there was a little more space between her and the fat woman in the vest who slumped into the aisle seat and almost immediately started snoring.

Why on Earth were we doing this?

Take-off was on time, and as we rose through a solid layer of cloud, I realised I wouldn’t be seeing anything interesting for quite a while. As three children continued to scream, Alys and I popped in our earplugs and I settled my head on her shoulder, feeling the effects of our early start. I woke up a couple of times, but all I could see from my seat was ocean. Each time, I settled back against Alys, who was also dozing. I was utterly disoriented when she shook me awake, with a murmur of “Land, love!”, and leant as far back in her seat as she could so that I could see the huge volcano for the first time in its reality rather than pictures.

The cabin crew were bustling around, one of them prodding Mrs Snorey awake as they checked belts, seat backs and stowage before heading for the front of the plane. I found myself surprisingly nervous as we settled down towards the dry land beneath us, and I believe it was the sense of being out of any sort of control, having to trust someone I couldn’t even see, and then, with a bang and some even louder screams from the brat section, we were down and rolling.

Queue once more to get off, queue again for passport control, and then into the baggage reclaim hall, where Alys tugged me to one side while we let the other passengers almost literally fight for space at the belt.

“Just let them get theirs, love, and then we can take our time. We’re in no rush, and there’s a regular bus”

A hint that she had spent more time than me on research that didn’t involve hills. We found a patch of wall to lean against, until the feeding frenzy eased, and then we collected our bags, before heading out to the bus stops, Alys utterly in the lead and in charge for once as I just went with her flow.

It was a little bit of a walk from the other end of the bus trip, but she had grabbed a paper map from the tourist information stand at the airport, and we were eventually at the resort, apartment complex, group of buildings, hotel, whatever, which consisted of a number of rather grim-looking blocks around a swimming pool. I found myself looking at the water with far more interest than I had expected, as while there was quite a strong breeze blowing, and we were heading for evening, it was extremely hot. As we checked in, there was a squeal from the doorway to the pool area, and there was Sali, in one of the smallest bikinis I had ever seen.

“Yay! I’ll show you where we are, then it’s changed, and into the pool! And it’s paella night, and happy hour in… ninety minutes! Hope you brought your best cossies”

The receptionist sighed, obviously all too used to that sort of behaviour and the clothing that accompanied it, and we were off, almost at a trot before reining Sali in by indicating the luggage we were lugging with us. The apartment proved to be quite a decent one, three bedrooms, a shower/toilet and a kitchen off a large living room which opened onto a wide balcony with garden chairs stacked at one end.

No, not a shower that doubled as a toilet, but a small room which held both.

Sali pushed and pushed until we had changed into our ‘cossies’, and her disappointment was obvious when she saw that we had both gone for one-piece items.

“Boring!”

Alys shook her head.

“Think about it, Sali: I can’t exactly go all skimpy yet, can I?”

“Oh shit! Sorry—didn’t think! What have you done, you know, with…?”

“Extra pair of bottoms on. Control knickers. Bit uncomfortable at first, but it settles down. Now, paella night?”

“Yeah, bar round the corner, Elen found it on the net. Do all sorts of different paellas and tapas and stuff, she says, so we are starting our holiday proper there”

I looked across at Alys before turning back to Sali.

“The pool not the holiday proper, then?”

“Na, pool’s a pool. Tomorrow it’s the beach, but tonight it’s all oh-lay, oh-lay, oh-lay!”

Alys put on her innocent face.

“An egg restaurant, then?”

If there was ever anything I loved her for, apart from the simple fact of her existence, it would always be her dead-pan delivery of dreadful jokes. We followed Sali back down the stairs and across what seemed like acres of concrete covered in sun loungers, and then bliss! The water was delightful, despite being chlorinated, and after a few token attempts at lengths, the two of us just settled into a slump against the pool side as our friends went through curtailed ritual greetings before turning back to the various boys swarming round them. It seemed no time at all before Elen and Sali were once more chivvying us back to the room to dress again, ‘Happy Hour’ clearly pressing its claims on them.

For once, I was in a dress, as I really wanted as much air around me as I could get, given the heat, and I was grateful the venue wasn’t too far away. And while I was impressed with the lay-out, a very large terrace with umbrella-shaded tables surrounding an open plan inner building, I couldn’t help wincing at the signs. Neil had always said that he avoided anywhere that needed to put pictures of food up so that people could have a better guess of what to order, and that place had them everywhere. Colin clearly spotted my wince, and laughed.

“Like a bloody kebab shop, Enfys! At least this place tells you what the ingredients are, unlike bloody doners”

Sali leant round him from the other side, where she was cuddled up.

“Yes, and I do believe you have a doner grill in your Dad’s shop, love!”

Colin laughed, and it was a happy sound, one I warmed to.

“Yes, LOVE, but even me and him don’t know what goes into it! We just cook it, carve it and sell it”

Alys sniffed.

“Caveat emptor, then. Let the buyer and his guts beware. What are we drinking? And I fancy gazpacho and seafood paella!”

A waiter pushed some tables together for us, and in a vert few minutes we had several large jugs on those tables, filled with chunks of fruit in sangria. Elen poured, and Nea raised a glass to us.

“No more school, no more exams, we are on holiday and the sun is shining! Good health to all!”

The drink was a delight, but it came with a subtle hint of the alcohol that lurked behind the sweetness. The part about ‘no more exams’ clearly didn’t apply to two or more of us, but never mind. We were here, the sun was indeed warm, and despite the noise and traffic fumes, as well as the others around us, it remained a holiday for us, as in me and my lover. All I could ever need was sitting beside me, poking good-natured fun at Colin about catering products, while resting one hand on my knee.

I took a while to look around the group, remembering the quick exchange between Colin and Sali involving THAT word, and it was a real mix. So many obvious pairings, while Warren had eyes that wandered across the whole of the restaurant. I had clearly missed an awful lot of class gossip and dynamics in my focus on Alys.

Sali was limpeting to Colin, while Susan W was hanging off Geth’s arm. Nea was similarly attached to Tomos, Sue J to Ioan, and Cerys and Elen were scanning the passing men, just as Warren…

Oh.

CHAPTER 35
I watched his gaze, and it followed Elen’s in its intense focus on how tightly the material of the waiters’ trousers stretched across the bums beneath. Oh, indeed. I felt more than a little out of place just then, as I was only just learning how to ‘lesbian’ properly, and that left very little room for adapting to having a gay male around.

Arsebollocks, as Annie and Steph would say. I poured myself another glass of the fruity alcohol. Eat, drink, smile and worry about group dynamics in the morning. That thought made me giggle, as my priority in the morning would be to grab the bathroom first before finding out what the water was like in the sea. I started to make a mental list of what I would need to carry down to the beach, just as our paella orders arrived, and it was a few minutes into eating before I realised how tipsy I was getting on the sneaky sangria. Our group was getting a little raucous, as were most of the other people around us, so I switched to soft drinks before leaning over to whisper in my lover’s ear.

“Seen where Warren’s eyes are, love?”

“What? Oh… Oh!”

Alys watched him for a minute or two before whispering back, “Talk later, love”

We ended up almost staggering back to the apartment, where our promised sofa bed was waiting. Both Susans had migrated to the boys’ apartment on the way back from the meal, while Colin had moved in with Sali. I could hardly object, as Alys and I would be snuggled together in one bed, so why not the other couples? We all said goodnight, one or two couples in rather a rushed way, and even before I could settle down in our new bed/sofa, the sound of close interpersonal relationships being confirmed was all too apparent from the other rooms.

I slipped down under the single sheet we were using as a top cover, and settled into her arms, resting my head on her shoulder.

“Not wasting time, are they?”

Alys was silent for a long moment, before tightening her embrace.

“Well, why should they? Not like me, are they?”

I understood instantly that it would be better to stay silent, just that once, and let her speak, so I simply squeezed her in return.

“It’s hard, Enfys. We’ve been… I was never sure, never knew…”

She drew in a long, sighing breath.

“I have always known who I am. Never worked out who I wanted, though, not till later. No headspace, I suppose”

I risked a soft “Bit understandable, love”

“Yes. It was easier once I, you know, once Mam understood, and I could let him go, and then I realised where I was looking, and… and you looked back at me”

“Like I said, love. Not fond of willies, am I?”

“Yes, and that’s the problem, isn’t it? Still there, and all I want to do is to do what the other girls are, just with you, and I can’t, can I?”

My heart was pounding.

“Neither of us wants to do what the other girls are doing, love”

“You know what I mean!”

“I do, and…”

I turned my head to kiss her, and moved my hand to where there was a hint of a breast, and she kissed me back, and moved her own hand, and neither of us was first to the bathroom in the morning.

The sun was intense that day, and our breakfast was a late one, as the various couples and singletons settled round another array of tables for a ‘continental breakfast’ of bread, cheese and cold meats, knowing glances and smirks interspersed with occasional laughter. Alys and I had both settled for a T-shirt and sarong over our swimming costumes, together with a sun hat, and as we ate and drank, I noticed a couple of pointed looks at us from Nea and Elen. I took a toilet break, cursing the faff of getting out of a one-piece suit to be able to do the necessary, and as I emerged from the cubicle, Sali was at the sink beside me.

“We heard you last night, you know”

My blush felt nuclear.

“Sorry!”

“Don’t be silly. We were just as bad. It’s just… Enfys, we know, well, we don’t need to know what you do, how, but I just wanted to say, well. Your first time, wasn’t it? The two of you?”

I had no other option than a sharp nod. An arm around my shoulders, a hug, and a whispered “Good. Got your back, girl, got both of them”

She sat up straighter, her voice still soft.

“Got another question as well, not about you two, though. About you. What was up in the paella place? You went all quiet”

“Did I?”

“Oh yes. You were watching Elen a lot”

I drew in a deep breath of my own before replying.

“I was actually watching Warren”

Her brow furrowed.

“Why him?”

“Um, Elen was perving over the waiters. He was watching the same ones”

“Oh, er… Oh! You thought he was perving as well?”

She started to giggle, holding up a hand for me to wait until she could talk properly once again.

“No! You think he’s, you know, on your side of things? No!”

Another wave of hilarity, before she pulled herself back to near-sobriety.

“Sometimes, Enfys, sometimes I wonder about you. So tied up in Alys, and… No. Unfair. Life’s so busy for you, easy to see you get a bit out of the loop. Warren is not gay”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely. He’s stuck on Elen, actually. If he was watching waiters, it wasn’t cause he fancied them. I suspect it was--- look, was he staring at the same ones she was?”

I replayed my memories of the previous night. Waiter passes table; Elen’s gaze latches onto his rump; Warren’s focus follows hers.

“Yes, thinking about it. Yes”

“Not perving, woman: he was asking ‘What’s that man got that I haven’t?’, and coming up short”

She gave me a sigh of her own.

“We knew it might be a worry, you know, but there’s loads of Brits here on holiday, and we are hoping that he might spot someone else if we can just get his eyes away from our girl and onto the wider world around us. Anyway, beach time. Got your sunblock? Warren might need someone to rub his in for him”

She was off before my mock slap could land, and shortly thereafter, we were at the beach in question. Alys had rattled on about volcanic sand and how rocky the coastline was to the West, but after we had passed a cliché ‘golden sands’ beach nestled between two piers, we came to a much wider, if scruffier, stretch of rather greyer sand. Towels were laid out, outer clothing dumped, and both Sues were screaming as two lads grabbed them and ran straight into the sea. So far, all as I had expected. Sali lay down on her front, Colin opening a bottle of suntan lotion, and after their promise to guard our little camp, including a large bag Alys had carried with her, the rest of us went down to the water’s edge, where moderately-sized waves sent ripples flowing over our feet.

It certainly wasn’t warm bath temperature, but it was one hell of a lot warmer than I had ever experienced at Trearddur. University would include water sports… I walked out into the sea until it was just at waist depth, pulled on my goggles, then dove into an oncoming wave, and that was all I needed to finally relax.

The water was reasonably clear, despite the waves, and there were more than a few fish flitting about. A touch to my shoulder, and I surfaced to find a grinning girlfriend, her own goggles in place and water streaming from her hair.

“Yay! This is SO good, love! And there’s more!”

“More what?”

“I wanted to see how warm the water was, as well as how good my research. Got something for you on the beach”

I pulled her to me for a kiss.

“Got something for you right here!”

She kissed me back, then broke away.

“Later! Come and get your present!”

I chased her out of the water, laughing in joy, and grinned happily when her present turned out to be two sets of kit from a chain of sports stores, each holding a mask, a snorkel and a pair of flippers. As perfect a gift as I could imagine, apart from her presence. Warren was sat on his towel watching, and as I tried on the mask, he asked Alys a simple question.

“Can I borrow your goggles while you’re using those?”

Alys tossed her set across to him with a smile.

“Been doing some research, you two”

I found myself laughing, and turned it into a grin for Warren.

“When she says ‘some’, she means she left zero unturned stones! What did you get?”

Alys shrugged.

“Had a look for snorkelling sites. Tis one is supposed to be a good one, especially further out towards the end of the breakwater. Internet says there’s bigger stuff out there, and up the coast there’s a place with turtles”

She paused, then grinned.

“Yes, I did find the bus numbers to get up there!”

Warren looked at me in what was almost shock, or maybe awe.

“She always like this?”

I shrugged.

“Yes, basically. Want to swim out with us?”

I flapped deeper into the water.

“Yeah, why not?”

His gaze flicked back to the other girls, stretching out on their towels or reed mats, then came back to us, with a shrug.

“Yeah, why not indeed?”

We took our time getting there, as one of us had to swim with their head out of water and without the benefit of fins, but get there we did, and the water was clearing as we swam. Warren impressed me with his strength, and once we were treading water around the end of the breakwater, he appeared to be relaxing. Perhaps it was due to his greater distance from his crush, but he definitely seemed to be smiling more than he had been at the beach. I made a deliberate point of taking my girl’s hand in my own, just in case he harboured some rather odd hope, but he really did look as if he was enjoying himself at last. He shook the water from his hair, and grinned at Alys.

“No sharks to worry about?”

She shrugged.

“Not really, but there are stingrays and octopuses”

He looked a little worried, but she was shaking her head.

“Neither of them is a worry, Warren. I think there’s an octopus underneath us, but he’s probably no bigger than your fist”

“How do you know?”

“Mass of shell fragments around the base of the breakwater. He’ll be in a hole in the stones. Want to see if we can spot him?”

If I hadn’t loved her already, I certainly did afterwards. She led as we dove down to the place she had spotted, the water temperature decreasing markedly, and there he was, one eye looking at us as his siphon pulsed. We surfaced, Warren laughing with delight, and then cruised the entrance to the bay, finding three rays and a number of other big fish that I couldn’t identify. I was oddly satisfied when Alys confessed that she was equally at a loss.

Finally, we started to feel a little chill seeping into us from that deeper water, so we set off back towards the others, Alys finning along on her back so that she could chat with the boy. I was surprised at that, finding that she was far more comfortable in the water than me, which felt wrong. After all, wasn’t I supposed to be the active, outdoors woman? I remembered the prospectus for my course, and its mentions of ‘water-based activities’, which made me smile. I looked across at the other two just then, smiling and laughing together, and another course topic rose up in my memory: mental health and outdoor activity.

Alys had fought back so well, after her kidnap, but it was Warren I was watching. Away from the others, he was far more natural in his manner, as he didn’t need to play up for Elen’s benefit. Sod it.

“Warren?”

“Enfys?”

“Alys and me, we have a plan. Mountain walk, cable car down. You up for that?”

“What do you mean by a mountain walk?”

“Big volcano, dead one, in the middle of the island. There’s a cable car most of the way up. We were planning a walk up, ride down, let the others just do the ride. Bit of a hike, but a hell of an achievement if you can manage. Alys says it’s about three Wyddfas. What do you think?”

He swam in silence for a few moments, dipping his head under the water every so often, perhaps to see what was swimming beneath, maybe to avoid answering too quickly.

“Elen won’t be walking, will she”

Alys answered ‘Probably not” for the two of us, and once more, he paused before answering. When he did reply, he sounded resigned, or perhaps fatalistic.

“I never stood a chance with her, did I?”

Before either of us could reply, he did his best, while swimming, to shrug.

“Well, other things to do, I suppose. Thanks for this. I’ve got boots with me: when are we doing this mountain, then?”

CHAPTER 36
A tern creak-calling above us, we made our way slowly back to shore, a little warmer in the shallower water, and while Warren walked straight out of the waves, Alys and I had to do the wriggling dance to get our fins off before we could follow. Sali called over to us as we approached the group.

“Saw you coming! Got cold ones for you—no, don’t look like that! Not beers, cokes. See anything?”

To my surprise, it was Warren who answered for the three of us.

“Three sting rays, some big fish none of us could give a name to, and an octopus”

Both Susans and Elen jerked upright at that, and Warren laughed as he popped his can of cold drink..

“No, not like that! Alys found it. Only about the size of my fist. Really cute, it was. I must get a snorkel, though. Kept having to pop up for air. Anyway, Alys says she knows where you can see turtles. I really fancy that. And they are going mountaineering as well!”

I held up my hands to slow him down.

“He’s right. Loads of big fish out there, but Alys wants to see more, and the mountain thing just has to be done”

Sali snorted.

“You and mountains, as always! Girls, it’s not what it sounds like—there’s a cable car. These two want to walk up and ride back down, but I think the sensible people will be riding both ways. You sensible, Warren?”

He grinned, clearly beginning to find his own place at last.

“Clearly not! What bar are we hitting tonight? I want tapas this time, but I think I’ll leave the octopus alone. Not the same when you’ve been looking one in the eye; wouldn’t feel right to eat his cousin. Alys?”

“Yes?”

“I want to see if there’s a shop with proper kit in, but can I keep your goggles for a while?”

“Of course! I imagine we’ll be going back out again once we’ve had a rest. Coming along?”

“Yeah, would be great. And Enfys, your goggles spare for anyone else to use?”

I nodded, realising that he still hadn’t given up on Elen, and when that girl shrugged and nodded, he reddened more than a little, just before Gethin dumped a plastic bag of cold seawater over his head.

Boys. Or men. Whatever; they could never stay sensible for long. All of ours rushed off into the water, splashing each other and yelling loudly and, I assume, happily. We sensible folk just looked at each other, and with no prompting of any kind, sighed.

Four of us swam out again after warming up, Warren impressing me by remembering exactly where his new eight-legged friend was holed up to show Elen. She, in turn, impressed me by not doing the girly squeal I had been expecting. More fish, more terns fishing around us, and then it was time to swim back, and our new companions were still both smiling. Once our skins had dried a little, we did the mutual sunscreen-refresh game before stretching out on our towels.

Rinse and repeat. It was certainly warmer than many of my sessions on Welsh mountains, and that thought reminded me yet again that a large part of my chosen university course would involve those fabled and non-double-entendre water sports. In much colder water. As Annie and co would say, arsebollocks.

We got our tapas that evening, Warren having swayed the group with eloquence combined with careful research to locate a well-timed ‘happy hour’, and my culinary education got another boost. Colin’s chippy fare faded in comparison, and yet again it was Warren who led the way, with a seemingly inexhaustible knowledge of odd portions of indeterminate content.

I collared him at the bar as we ordered some more drinks, and he simply grinned.

“Internet, Enfys. Brought my laptop. Haven’t got a clue what we’re really eating, but it gave me a good script”

He snorted suddenly.

“I looked up a few things to avoid. Snails, for one”

“That’s a French thing, surely?”

“Nope. And the Spanish stuff is all little snails, not those big fat froggy things”

He obviously caught my wince, and grinned again.

“They even do a special grid thing for barbies. Really, REALLY don’t want to see them on my plate”

He paused as the barman served our drinks, then turned to me with a wistful expression.

“I don’t stand a chance with her, do I?”

I reached across for his hand.

“You want the honest truth?”

A look into the bar mirror, then a weak smile for me.

“If you don’t mind sharing it with me”

“Okay. Honest answer? I really don’t know. Yesterday, I would have said no, you don’t. After today, I don’t know. You were, I don’t know… You were sharing, Warren. Fine line between that and lecturing, but I think you stayed the right side of it. All I can say, really”

He nodded.

“Yeah, I suppose. I was doing something. It’s when I’m just, you know, in the same place. That’s when I get all useless. I suppose it was…”

He stopped as his thoughts derailed.

“I was going to say how easy it must have been for you two, then I realised what a bloody stupid thing that was to say. I knew Alys, you know? Before?”

“Before?”

“Before Alys, aye? I was one… she was always wrong, Enfys, and I have had a few drinks, so I will just plough on, and say I was one of the little boys who called her names, but I see her now…”

With a shock, I saw he had tears ready to fall. I was still holding his hand, so I gave it a little squeeze, and he returned a twisted smile.

“How could we all have been so wrong? She was always Alys, wasn’t she?”

I nodded, giving his hand one more squeeze.

“Yes. Exactly. Thanks for seeing clearly. So many don’t, or can’t”

“Aye. Fucking Ifor… She okay? Now?”

“Strong girl, Warren”

“Aye. Strong girlfriend, as well. Thank you”

He drew a long, slow breath, then turned back to me with another brittle smile.

“This mountain, then? I’ve got a plan”

I raised an eyebrow, and he leant closer.

“I think we should start somewhere low down… then walk… uphill”

We gathered our glasses and jugs of fruity alcohol and returned to the others, and I found myself watching as he cracked jokes around the group, and signally avoided locking his focus onto Elen, the poor sod.

Alys took us on a bus trip the following day, to the place she had read about, where we might see turtles. We ended up splitting the group, as not everyone fancied a day out at, as Colin described it, the ‘arse end of nowhere’, when there was beer to drink. Sali had shrugged a clear ‘What can you do?’, but in the end it was the two of us plus Warren, and, to my surprise, Elen.

We had a bloody good day, once more, to my surprise. There were indeed turtles and, probably against all the rules, I got close enough to stroke one’s shell, but my surprise was concentrated on Elen, for she seemed to be reacting in the most positive of ways to Warren’s attention. I found a moment in between turtles and wriggly fish, and asked him in the most direct of ways. His response was a smile.

“Decided to move the goalposts, Enfys. I might never, you know, with her, but here we are. Sharing things, aye? Better than watching her lech over waiters”

“And when we get home?”

A twisted smile.

“I’ll still have this, won’t I?”

Poor sod.

The day of our expedition dawned earl for us, and there was a minibus at the hotel for our group at a time I didn’t want to become familiar with if I could help it. It was the first of two, another being scheduled for a couple of hours later for those intending to ride up in comfort. What is there to say? Alys, Warren, Elen (Yes!) and I boarded, we went through various odd bits of Tenerife suburbia, and finally arrived at the start of a trail that went uphill in the most obvious and insistent of ways.

Arsebollocks. That was one enormous hill. Three Wyddfas, Alys had said. Remember Warren’s joke, and start walking uphill.

The five litres of water in my Camelbak went rather quickly, despite all the stops Alys called for with her constant refrain of “Hang on, was that a…”, but I was watching our two companions. Warren spent each moment of rest with his hands on his knees, while Elen spent similar periods staring upwards and panting. There were signposts on the path giving our height, and I was ticking off each Wyddfa as it arrived.

The last part of what had turned into an absolute slog was the approach to the upper cable car station, where the others were due to meet us. We were around three hundred yards from it when Warren fell on his face and wouldn’t, or couldn’t, get up.

CHAPTER 37
I fought down the urge to panic, looking round at our surroundings. The path led in two directions, one being straight up to what was clearly the summit caldera, zigzagging as it went, while the other stretched out to each side, looking as if there was a circular walk around the peak. I remembered reading that the final cone was some sort of special reserve, and it still looked a sizeable chunk of height left to gain..

Stop that, Enfys. Not important.

“Elen! Got any water left?”

She looked round, eyes everywhere.

“Got a bottle of Lucozade stuff, not the real brand, but the Spanish one, but it’s all warm now”

“Doesn’t matter. Can you come over here and give me a hand?”

“What are we doing?”

“Just need to move him into a safer position. Here… You get over onto this side of him, shade him from some of the sun”

“Want me to hold his head while he drinks?”

“Not yet, girl. Not when he’s out, not safe. Alys?”

My lover nodded.

“On it, love. What’s his pulse like?”

I had my fingers on the side of his neck by then, ready to pour Elen’s sugary liquid over the area.

“Fast. Really fast”

“OK. I’m off”

She scrambled to her feet and started jogging towards the cable car station, before stopping dead and shaking her head, then moving on again, this time at a walk.

“Elen. Elen. ELEN!”

“Er, yes?”

“In my rucksack. There’s a windproof jacket there. Can you pull it out, then pass me the sack?”

“Um. Yes. Here. Why the top?”

“Could you stretch it out, with your arms? Make a sort of shade of it? Get the shadow over his head?”

She nodded as understanding took her, and I started dribbling the last of the water from my hydration bag over his head and neck, washing away the sugar already crusting there from Elen’s energy drink. Check the pulse again, wishing I had a thermometer. Had to be heat stroke. Come on, Alys: do your stuff.

An age later, and there was a shout from a group of figures trotting from the buildings, and in my confusion I wondered why there were so many before realising that it was the rest of our people, along with several others in a lightweight uniform of polo shirt and shorts, one of them with a large backpack and two others carrying a rolled-up stretcher. They were with us in under two minutes, and Elen and I got a quick nod of recognition from the backpack wearer as she took in out improvised sunshade and the water pooling beneath his head.

The paramedic, first aider, whatever she was, rattled off several comments in quickfire Spanish, as she pushed a digital thermometer into Warren’s ear. More instructions, before she switched to English and directed our own men in helping her colleagues move Warren to the stretcher. One man to each handle, and they were moving at a steady clip towards the shade of the cable car station. I rose slowly to my feet, realising I had cut my knees a little on the harsh ground, and helped up a confused Elen.

“Is he going to die, Enfys?”

Break the rules, woman, but do it in hope, for the best of reasons.

“No. Not at all. Going to have the worst hangover ever, though”

I pulled her to me, as she started to weep, and slowly walked her towards the station. Our group were milling in the little space inside, and as I entered, one of the shorts-and-polo-shirt group spotted me, asking me in Spanish if I spoke that language or English.

“We all speak English. We’re from Britain”

“Ah. I was not hearing the English from you, is why I ask”

“We are all Welsh, is why”

“That is a part of English? England?”

“No. Not important, though. We all speak English. How is he? Our friend?”

“One moment. I ask Rosa”

He took a small radio from his belt, and after another rapid exchange in Spanish, in which his part seemed to consist almost entirely of saying “Si!” over and over again, he clipped the radio back onto his belt and gave me a smile.

“Rosa says it is what you call the ‘heat exhaustion’, or the ‘heat stroke’. She says your friend, he is not of an athletic nature?”

I shook my head.

“I think he plays a bit of rugby, but no, not seriously”

“Well, he will live. The sunshade, the water over the head, they were all good, but he has sugar on his skin. He is not, how do you say, diabetic?”

I actually managed to laugh.

“No. Our other friend had a bottle of energy drink she poured on his neck”

“Ah. The one… His…”

He tried a few Spanish words before saying simply, “His woman, yes?”

No, not really, but I nodded anyway, as it would be even harder to explain than the difference between Wales and England.

“We leave in half of one hour, on the telly ferricko. We have the ambulance to come, but not to here. We can take one person only, so we think his woman, yes? To the hospital?”

He caught my twitch, and smiled.

“No, not so. It is for the watching, yes? Rosa, she says not to worry. This is for the watching, the observation, and the advice to drink more and not get so hot in high places!”

I just nodded, reaction and relief starting to flood over me, and then there were arms around me as Alys returned and gave me the comfort I needed, before towing me over to the rest of our party.

They seemed to be looking for me to show some form of leadership, so I did my best.

“Got the word from the lady who’s treating him. Says he will be okay. They’ll take him down on the cable car in a little while, then he’s off to hospital, just for observation. Heat stroke, they say. There’s only space for one person in the ambulance, and it looks like that’s going to be Elen. Extravagant way to chat someone up, that; you have to admire his style”

The worst of jokes, but they clearly needed it, and I watched as a lot of their tension dissolved, before realising that Elen had rejoined us.

Alys was the first to hug her, which finally brought some tears from several of us, including myself. Elen smiled, in the weariest of ways.

“He’s awake again, but not making that much sense”

Colin snorted.

“Warren never did make any sense, girl!”

“Aye, but he is being insistent now. He is saying the rest of us shouldn’t have our holiday spoiled because he has been stupid. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“You and Alys. He says you have to finish the walk. Don’t waste the trip just cause he has been stupid. I said he wasn’t, hadn’t been stupid, and that it didn’t matter, but he says he would feel even worse if you didn’t do the whole thing. Rest of you, he wants loads of pictures taken. His words: he wasn’t really paying attention when he got here, so he’d like some souvenirs of the trip that don’t involve a splitting headache”

She gave a long sigh.

“They had all sorts of stuff out of a freezer, packing it round him. The paramedic woman, Rosa, she said they had to get his temperature down, really quick. Had a hosepipe on him as well. All his clothes are… They took all his clothes off. I didn’t know where to look!”

Colin snorted once more, and as Sali slapped his head, he called out “But you did look, then, didn’t you?”, to Elen’s bright pink blush.

“They didn’t take his underpants off, though”

She smiled, quickly, then waved at us all.

“Pictures, all of you! You two, get back on the trail. I’m away to the hospital with him, and the rest of you can walk along the level stuff until the two mountain goats get beck. I’ll see you back at the rooms, or you can text me where you will be eating tonight. Go!”

There was no argument we could make. Alys and I looked at each other, but there was no way we could argue. As the others walked off, we started uphill once more, after filling my water bag and her bottles in the ladies’.

It was hard getting moving again, and the path had changed into a ragged set of artificial steps through the utterly desolate stonefields of the summit, but in the end, it was for Warren, and Elen, and we settled into that stare-at-the-next-two-steps mindset, as the steps found their way through an ever-stepper jumble of pale tan rocks.

Metal chains. A depression with a surface that looked like baked sand. And views that covered what seemed like half the bloody world, the sea blue all round us, and the sky seeming to be one copper bowl of blazing light. I took my sunglasses off to use my camera, and the reflected glare from the rocks left me in tears. I managed to snap a whole series of shots, with no guarantees, nor expectations of quality, and then settled onto a rock after a kiss, the traditional mindset in play: hard enough getting up, not going down.

Not for a while, anyway. We sat together, as others filed past us, a couple of them leaving a frown, or even a smile, as they saw how we were holding hands, and then, after a last few photos, we set off down. That gave us a different set of problems, because we were both very tired, and the steps down almost demanded more attention than we had left to spare, but we got there, to find our group assembled at the cable car entrance waiting for us.

Sali was clear.

“Got a text from Elen. He’s fine. They’re keeping him in overnight, but he should be back with us tomorrow. She’ll meet us for food, and asked if we could do that paella place again. He liked the tapas one, so she said we should go there when he gets out”

She stared at Colin for a second or two before adding, “And no taking the piss, okay? He could have died, and Elen says she has something to tell us”

There were a few mutters, but everyone was nodding, and when the gondola, cable car, telly ferricko, whatever, arrived, we piled in and rode down in comfort, if not quite in style. The minibus shuttle ran us back to town, and I will admit that I stood under a cool shower for far longer than was fair on the others waiting to use it. I would have shared it with Alys, but, well.

Anatomy. Even then, she had her moments of anxious discomfort and shame. Those were the times I found myself really hating Ifor.

Elen joined us at the paella place just as we were starting our first jugs of sangria, and simply sat down in silence until she had downed two glasses of the stuff, as Sali stared at her.

In the end, Elen set down her glass, and shrugged.

“What’s to tell? They worked miracles on him, Rosa and her team, and do you know how lucky we were? They were only there on an exercise, wouldn’t normally have been around. There was supposed to be a mock casualty out on the mountain that they’d have to find and bring down, all training stuff. That’s the funny thing, or the lucky one, or whatever. No charge for the rescue, because they said it was better practice then picking up Pedro or Carlos or whoever. Real live casualty…”

She looked at her glass, and poured another drink.

“Live, yeah? He is alive, and he nearly wasn’t. Stupid, soppy bastard!”

There was a chorus of interrogative grunts and questions, and she nodded, draining her glass in one go.

“He had spare water in his pack. He says he was saving it in case the rest of us needed it, that he would be able to manage!”

CHAPTER 38
I sat for a while, mulling over her revelation, and in the end decided to leave it for a private moment; there was clearly so much hiding behind her words that it would have been unfair to put her on the spot in public. We ate our rice and stuff, piling up prawn shells (is that the word?), and drank far too much, as was traditional for Brits in Tenerife.

It was more than that, I realised, as I looked around the group and saw how many were staring at their plates or glasses, or simply into space, and after a while, I recognised the mood.

Guilt.

They had teased Warren from the start, and even Sali’s initial invitation to my lover and myself had come with an explicit dismissal of him. I watched Elen for a few minutes, and she had clearly lost her focus on Rump of Waiter.

A flash of memory: a dark-haired woman and her taller russet-haired friend, in unison, saying ‘Arsebollocks’. Not now, girl. Elen rose, clearly on the way to the ladies’, and I followed her.

It wasn’t the largest of rooms, only five cubicles, but I picked up the sound of a sob from one of them, so simply stood by the sinks until she decided she was in a fit state to emerge. It took a few minutes, but the lock on the cubicle finally clicked, the door opened, and she emerged, looking me briefly in the eye before busying herself at a sink. A couple of deep breaths, and then, in the quietest of voices, she spoke to me while looking in the mirror.

“You must think I’m a cow, Enfys”

“Why would I think that, love?”

“He could…”

Her dam burst again, and she was bent over the taps as I held her from behind”

“He… he could… have died!”

I did my best to hold her tight, whispering in her ear, no, Elen, no, he didn’t die, did he, and who was it that watched over him in the hospital, and he would be back soon, and so much else that I found myself repeating things, until she finally caught her self-control and dragged it back into place.

“Enfys?”

“That’s my name”

“Thank you”

A few deep breaths, then a squeeze of my hand.

“Doesn’t mean I’m getting onto your bus, though”

“Only room for two there”

Another squeeze, and then, in a wondering tone, “You really do love her, don’t you?”

“Yes”

Another pause.

“And it is ‘her’. I see that more clearly, every day, you know?. That lecturer, Megan Charlton’s, yeah? How can anyone be so clever and so thick, all at once?”

She sighed.

“What are we going to do about Warren?”

I stepped back a little.

“What do you want to do, Elen?”

“I don’t know. I mean… he’s never been a creep about things, you know? Not pushed it, not hung around drooling. Not been in my face. Just…”

She stood upright as I released her, checking her face one last time in the mirror before speaking again.

“I think I should give him a chance. No”

A little shake of her shoulders, before she turned to face me once more.

“No. I am GOING to give him a chance. You never know”

Suddenly, she was giggling, her mood swinging wildly.

“Anyway, what I said? About leaving his underpants on when they cooled him down?”

“And?”

“Well, you can’t see it when he’s in the board shorts he swims in, but he wears briefs, not boxers, and…”

She simply held her hands apart, like a fisherman’s boast about ‘the one that got away’, and I felt my jaw drop.

“You are shameless!”

She grinned, her mood settling.

“Well… I have to say it, don’t I?”

“Say what?”

“I’m, er, willing to take one for the team. Especially one that size”

By the time we were back with our friends, I had almost got the snorting under control. We dug into the dessert menu, drank more cold sangria, and then returned to our hotel, where, from the sounds around us, almost everyone proceeded to do their best to chase all thoughts of death away. I know that Alys and I tried rather hard to do exactly that, and the shower was most definitely in great demand the next morning.

We made our way down to our original beach the next day, and at around eleven we were rejoined by a shamefaced Warren, in his board shorts and a T-shirt, who simply walked slowly down to our group holding a carrier bag, which proved to hold two sets of fins, face masks and snorkels.

“I stopped at that shop Alys showed us. Think I’ll stay cooler in the water than I was on that bloody mountain?”

Colin shot a look at Sali, who simply nodded. He rose and made his way over the sand to hug the other young man.

“Welcome back, mate. We were all really worried. How do you feel?”

Warren shrugged.

“Honestly? I hurt. Had a splitting head, and my legs ache from all that slogging uphill. And I’ve got a hole in the arm from where they stick a drip in. I’ll live, though”

A sudden grin.

“Sorry and all, to disappoint you! Tonight, we do tapas. Please?”

There was a murmur of agreement, and that brought another grin from him.

“Right! Who wants to see that octopus we won’t be eating tonight, then?”

Elen laughed out loud.

“You really going for that tonight?”

“Yup! YOLO, aye? But still not eating snails! Anyway, spare set of kit for anyone that wants to come out to the rocky bit. Feel free; I’m going in right now”

With no ceremony at all, he pulled off his T-shirt and headed for the water. I looked to my lover, who nodded and reached for the bag with our own kit, as Elen looked round the group, a wry smile in place”

“Yes. I do intend to give him a chance, but please: no piss-taking from anyone?”

She reached for the remaining set of equipment, and once she had adjusted the fit of the mask, the three of us followed Warren down to the water.

The octopus was there, as were a number of large fish, including some rays. We did indeed have tapas that evening, along with a whole trolley-load of little dishes Warren had identified from his little crib-sheet, and there was laughter, and not quite too much alcohol, and the next night saw Elen switch rooms so that she was sharing a bed with him.

The journey back at the end of the holiday was an anti-climax in so many ways, the group broken up among three different flights, and I wondered how much of that was down to an attempt to fool Dear Parents into believing that their precious daughters had been on a girls-only trip. If said parents were anything like our own, of course, they’d have been fully aware of everyone who had been with us, but it was clear that some appearances simply had to be maintained. We landed almost on time at Birmingham, and after we had collected our luggage, made our way to the train, which took us as far as Shrewsbury. Twenty minutes after we had emerged into the car park, Dad was there to pick us up for the final leg.

“You two will be fed up with this place soon! Steph’s been asking if you’re up for the festival”

Alys was slumped against me in the back seat as Dad drove, and she answered for us both.

“Got that trip with Dad in September, and with this holiday, well, lots of money. Wouldn’t be right”

He laughed at that.

“You think Mrs Woodruff ever takes no for an answer? Look in the pocket on the back of the passenger seat”

There was an envelope there, addressed to Dad, and inside were familiar pieces of card. I found my hands starting to shake.

“But the cost…”

He cut me off, eyes fixed on the road as he drove.

“Don’t worry about it. And I mean DON’T. Those are gifts from Steph’s lot, her family and the friends you met there last time. They clubbed together, Steph says. About ten of them, all told, so it wasn’t that much of a hit to their wallet. Wallets. Purses. Seems you made a big impression on them all, but one of them, well, she has other reasons”

Alys stirred next to me, a slight frown in place

“And those other reasons; did Steph say what they are?”

Dad laughed out loud.

“Something about an opportunity to take lots of photos of you both, for fun and profit through blackmail. According to Steph’n’Geoff, that was their mate Eric. You still want to go?”

My lover was giggling away, so I tickled her to keep it going, and eventually managed to get my answer out after she started tickling me back.

“Of course we do, but I thought we were supposed to be working?”

Dad’s voice softened.

“Seriously, love? This is your last Summer before everything gets serious. We will cope for that weekend, and don’t forget your Mam will be around. Both of you, you’ve been through the mill. Not just exams, is it? Come October, the work really starts, for the rest of your life, or rather so that you can have a life, the sort of life you want. Now, do you both feel up to the Cow tonight for dinner? Because that is going to be YOUR treat for us older folk. We had you two for a reason, you know”

Alys bit.

“Which was?”

“To sponge off you in our dotage, of course. Oh, and your friend Sali rang. Wants to bring some friends out tonight; the Cow was her suggestion”

“Which friends?”

“Colin, Elen and Warren. She said you would understand why”

CHAPTER 39
It was a musical non-music night, if that makes any sense. In short, the actual folk club wasn’t on, but several of the regular musicians were up for a play, and as the ‘club’ was in reality just an extension of the pub’s normal commercial activities, it ended up much as would be expected. The clientele were mostly locals that night, apart from that woman with ‘Pat’ again, and a larger group of girls. Sali whispered to me as we carried a couple of trays of drinks back to our tables.

“Those girls over there, the Hwntw lot? I think they’re all…”

She took a couple of breaths, eyes closed, before continuing.

“I suspect it is really bad manners to try and spot people like Alys, but I think all of those girls might be, you know”

She gave me a grin almost devoid of humour.

“It was actually Elen that pointed them out. I’ll steer Colin’s attention away, if I can. I don’t think Warren’s capable of noticing anything but Elen right now!”

I looked over towards the older woman and her taller friend, who had eight or nine young women with them, and yes, I could see it. What caught my attention was the mixture of moods I picked up, even with such a quick glance. One of the girls, a dark-haired and very slim one of maybe my age or slightly older, looked more cocky than relaxed, but several of the others were clearly nervous. I caught little twitches from them every so often, subtle signals that they were fine with their own group but far from comfortable when strangers, outsiders, Came too close.

Leave them for now, Hiatt: file it away in ‘examples of healing by outdoor activities’ for University, and concentrate on Elen and her not-so-new friend.

That was a neat parallel to the party with Pat, for where Colin and Sali were utterly relaxed with each other, Elen had Warren’s hand in hers almost without a break, and most of that time she had their linked hands on one or the other’s knee, in a very clear signal of ‘Mine!’. I wasn’t entirely sure who the signal was for, but I didn’t care. People I liked were smiling, and that was all that mattered. It was such a teen cliché, in many ways, the story so often told in both dreams and teen magazines, where all The One needed was the opportunity to see the dreamer as they really were.

No, I wasn’t just watching Elen and Warren. I was also watching Alys, and so was her mother, and as my girl ensured the-fulfilled-dreamer-called-Warren was steered into a detailed account of what we had seen, and where, and then a frankly hilarious account of his very personal research programme into odd Spanish dishes, Nansi slipped me a wink which held more than a hint of pride.

I sat, smiling and watching, and remembered Mam and Dad talking about biker magazines, on one of their tag-team, beat the other to the punchline sessions. Dad was holding forth, glass in hand.

“So we had this friend, years ago, in That Place We Left”

I nodded.

“Mike?”

“Yup. But he had another name he used, when he was writing. He used to write all sorts of stuff for one of the biker lifestyle magazines; called himself ‘Bear’. To be honest, I lost count of how many Bears we met, back then, and so many of them were arseholes, sorry, but he was more Teddy than Grizzly”

Mam had snorted at that comment.

“Mike wasn’t a pushover, love. Saw him, um, react a couple of times. Remember that knob throwing the cans at the band at the Magna Carta, Keith?”

“Oh god, aye. His heels left furrows in the arena floor, Enfys, Mike moved him away so quick! Anyway, he has a good way with words, does your Uncle Mike, and he wrote for AWOL and a couple of the others. Did a great piece on the Ogwen Valley, oddly”

I couldn’t work that one out, and after Dad had explained the insane plan to run a six lane motorway down the A5, Mam had started giggling.

“You’re on about that ad analysis, aren’t you?”

“Yup, once more! Enfys, the mag had some woman wrote in about the personal ads. She had done a summary of what men asked for, and what women wanted. The men all wanted physical stuff, like slim women, with long hair and so on, while the women advertised for personality things. Sense of humour, caring nature, that sort of thing. Said it showed how shallow men are. Mike replied, and explained that he recognised the text, as he put it, getting all posh and academic, but he explained that the letter writer had missed the subtext”

By that time, Mam had started snorting once more, while Dad had adopted his ‘about to deliver a dreadful punch line’ face. He had continued after a short pause.

“In Mike’s summary, women asked for all those personality traits, which were all that they wanted, AS LONG AS they were contained in someone who looked like a young Mel Gibson”

I had worked out what he meant, and shrugged.

“And the men? What did he say about them?”

“Oh, they all wanted long-legged, long-haired, slim, etc, but they’d settle for…”

“Yes? Settle for what?”

“A pulse”

Both of them had dissolved in snorting laughter just then, as I wondered whether sanity was as overrated as Ginny had suggested. Oh dear.

My pride in Alys was refreshed a few days afterward, when, without a word of warning to me, she received a brand-new full driving licence to match her passport. My girl; my pride, but I kept my thoughts about Elen and a young Mel whatever to myself. At least Warren seemed happy for the moment.

It had been a superb night in the Cow, and it set the scene so well for the rest of our Summer. Shrewsbury came along in what was becoming a very regular way, and the insanity was just what we needed before what turned out to be a painfully long journey for Vic Edwards’ castle-spotting. What hurt most on that trip was the realisation that we had gone so much further, in a fraction of the time, on our Tenerife adventure, and there we were, queuing to get out of our own country, queuing to get past a three-car collision on some road in England, queuing in Portsmouth to get onto some big French ferry, queuing for everything on it, queuing to get off it on arrival in Normandy the next morning, queuing to get out of the first town, and finally queuing to get through the entry tollbooths for the first section of French autoroute. And it was raining. Not in a downpour, nothing so interesting; just a steady miserable drizzle from a miserable grey sky. I slumped in the back seat with Alys as we rolled steadily south, and whispered to her, “Remind me why we are here, love”

She wriggled into me, getting comfortable.

“Shush. I need to get some more sleep before my stint”

“Sorry?”

“Got the licence, on the insurance, these roads are safer than the smaller ones. Shush. Wake me only if you see a lammergeier”

In the end, it was Alys who woke me, as she and her mother swapped places at a service area just outside Le Mans, Vic Edwards making a series of awful jokes about Le Mans starts when Alys stalled the car as we pulled away again. He took the wheel again just before Tours, as he knew the area and “Don’t trust the driving round here; too many rubberneckers”, and so it went, in a three-handed relay that left me feeling absolutely useless, until we pulled into what seemed like an endless set of warehouse-style shopping outlets south of Poitiers and parking up in front of a branch of a hotel chain that seemed dwarfed by the surrounding car showrooms and DIY megastores.

We all stumbled out into the warm sunlight, the rain having stopped somewhere in Normandy, and almost in unison began a series of stretches to ease backs and backsides. Nansi checked her phone after a last wriggle of her spine.

“Got two rooms reserved here, or we should have. These places are almost all on the edge of the town, but there’s either a restaurant or bar nearby, or they do food themselves. Cheap and cheerful, I’m afraid, but clean”

That was a moment that knocked me sideways: two rooms.

What had I ever done to deserve such love?

CHAPTER 40
We finally arrived in what was clearly the Deep South, at least of France, and I must have muttered something along those lines as Nansi Edwards immediately corrected me. She did it nicely, she did it with a smile, but it was clearly a very polite slap down.

“Politics, Enfys, and religion. You don’t need to know the details, but this was a different country back then. Paris-based France it wasn’t; different language, different culture. Once they had an excuse to come down from the North, well, lots of castle building, lots of land and property to be redistributed. Local language made illegal. Sound familiar?”

I got her point immediately, of course, and as if she had read my mind, she was already holding up a hand to forestall my comments.

“No. The castles we will be looking at were built by the locals rather than the invaders. Think Dolbadarn rather than Harlech”

She looked over to her husband, then smiled at me.

“Word of warning, love. What the English did to us is nothing compared to… Ah, there was some really nasty stuff here. Not going to go into it; it’s a gorgeous place, so let’s just enjoy the views”

The views were fine, but my reaction to them felt odd, especially as I was now officially Well-Travelled after our holiday in the Canaries. As we made our way further south, I tried to work it out, and all I could imagine as the reason was the setting.

Alys and I had travelled as part of a group of our peers, to a place clearly well accustomed to, and prepared for, British tourists. This place was French, with a capital ‘F’, even if Nansi disagreed, and with very few concessions to anyone from any other place. The locals were far from unfriendly, smiles and what seemed to be teasing jokes in abundance, but we were clearly the ones who were out of our comfort zone.

The other aspect was simpler, in that it was Vic and Nansi who were clearly in charge, and taking the lead. Vic seemed to speak reasonable French, while my lover and I struggled with a local accent that seemed designed to confuse us. I mean, some English accents are perverse, and what on Earth the Hwntws think they are speaking god alone knows, but the local French bore no obvious relationship to what we had studied at school.

We were back in our childhood, it seemed, hand in hand with the real adults.

I lost track of where we were as the motorway miles spooled past, the other three working their tag-team driving shifts, interspersed with occasional supermarket food breaks, until we were finally off the motorway system, as Vic checked a paper map.

“We have our first photo stop in a few miles, ladies. It isn’t a Cathar place, but I really want to get some shots. Riverside, ruined castle on top of a cliff, lots of narrow streets and really old buildings”

It was indeed lovely, perched over the Lot river, a place called Saint Cirq Lapopie, all steep streets, cool in the shade brought by their narrowness, and I took an awful lot of photos. I knew they wouldn’t stand up against Vic’s professional eye and equipment, but they were mine. The fact that Alys appeared in so many of them was merely coincidence.

South again, and our first campsite for the night, on the outskirts of a big city, Toulouse, which surprised me. The idea of a city campsite was a weird one, but there we were. Once again, it was Nansi who talked me through it.

“It’s a big thing in France, camping. Most towns have what they call the ‘camping municipal’, usually simple sites, sometimes a bit shabby. The other places are more holiday camps, all mobile homes and swimming pools and ten times the price. A lot of them shut up shop after August, as well. There are some buildings Vic wants to snap here, in the city, that is, and then we are off via a really big place. That’s big as in castle. Oh, and the Count of Toulouse was a big man in the Cathar community, so it all fits. We’re going to eat nearby tonight; about two thirds of a mile to walk. Buffet place”

“Sorry?”

She grinned.

“As your Dad puts it, it’s an eat-till-you-pukery”

It wasn’t actually bad, and I had oysters for the first time ever, which was interesting, and actually tasty, even though they did look rather as of someone had found a shell and used it to blow their nose into. What was harder was the simple matter of trying to sleep in a tent that felt like an oven; Alys and I kept the outer and solid inner doors open for air, just the netting door between us and the constant whine of mosquitoes. Going to the toilet in the small hours left me bitten in several places, which itched for days afterward. I looked at Alys in a different light, as while I would have delighted in utter extinction for the bitey, whining little bastards, she would no doubt have come up with some ecosystematic justification for their existence, just as she had years ago when I had declared my hatred of wasps.

I have my limits.

We took the bus the next day, into the middle of the city, past a lake that had cable tows for water-skiers, and from the centre, we made our way through a maze of streets, eventually emerging next to a dull brick building with what I thought of as gothic windows, or lancets, or something. Alys looked confused.

“Is this it, Dad? All this way to photograph a brick wall?”

“Ah, watch and learn, love! Don’t judge by external appearance”

Nansi snorted.

“Indeed! Look who I married, for starters”

They were as bad as my parents. Alys and I shared a look, before following her father into the building, and… I was lost,

I know nothing about architecture, although I can appreciate the line a climb takes on a good crag, but that place was utterly wonderful. There was nothing special about the shape, for it was, in essence, just a great big stone barn with a single line of columns running down its middle, but where those columns met the ceiling, their tops spread out like palm trees, the air so cool and calm beneath them that it seemed a sin to speak and break the spell.

I felt an arm drop over my shoulder as Vic sorted his camera, and it was Nansi, as Alys already had my hand in hers.

“Didn’t want to spoil the impact, Enfys. This is one of our favourite places. Thomas Aquinas is buried here”

She must have caught my confusion, for she grinned.

“Roman Catholic logic chopper. I believe he was around at the same time as the Cathars. Very clever man, but concerned with justifying his religion rather than examining it. Never mind”

She left me to stare upwards at the ceiling. And I don’t know how long I was caught there before I realised Vic had packed all his kit and was ready to leave.

“Right, Enfys? Got a treat for Alys, then back to the big square for our supper. Bit of a walk, still”

More rambling streets, all in brick, which led to an explanation of how it was called ‘The Pink City’ by the French, and we arrived at a bridge across the big river that carved through the city. Once again, Nansi was full of explanations.

“Canal links, Enfys, from the Atlantic to the Mediterranean. This city is the hub. Anyway, we’re here for the bridge, not the river”

We walked partway across before Vic stopped us, pointing to the trees to our right.

“Got them, Alys?”

“Oh, Dad! Yes! Thank you!”

There were birds roosting in the trees, some sort of hawk, and as Alys went mad with her compact camera, her father just said “Let me”, and set up his pro kit. What seemed like an hour later, we finally left the bridge, Alys almost skipping, squeezing my hand and looking into my eyes as if she had just won the lottery and didn’t know how to tell me. After a much longer walk, we settled around a table on the edge of the huge town square, menus to hand, and I finally asked the question.

“Hawks. Love?”

“Not quite. Black kites! I mean, I’ve already seen a few, but, wow! Just sitting there! Makes this trip worthwhile!”

Vic coughed.

“I think you might want to clarify that one, my darling”

My lover blushed, then grinned.

“Ah, but Enfys always makes living worthwhile, so nyah!”

Vic looked archly at Nansi, then sighed.

“Ah, I feel an onrush of saccharine, my dear. We need an antidote. Chicken gizzards?”

Nansi nodded.

“And wine. We need wine. Squiffiness is important, I believe. What is it Steph says?”

Vic nodded in turn.

“She does say she got it from that Eric, though”

He raised a finger, before declaiming, “The liver is evil”

All three of us joined in with the chorus.

“And must be punished!”

Yes, we had gizzards, which were actually lovely, and there were various main courses involving steak with garlic butter, or red fish, or meaty lamb shanks, followed by apple tart or chocolate mousse, or whatever, and there was kir to start with, a first for me, but not a last.

And there was wine.

The bus delivered us to within walking distance of our campsite, and Vic said goodnight by promising to return home by way of the Massif Central.

“Population of griffon vultures there, love”

Her goodnight hug should have been accompanied by the sound of cracking ribs, it was that tight.

I don’t know whether it was the wine, or simply the joy radiating from Alys, but despite the heat we found the time and energy to confirm how we felt. It was at least two thirty before we finally settled down to sleep.

CHAPTER 41
Our route wriggled and danced across the map, from Toulouse to Lastours, Carcassonne to Peyrepertuse, and then Beziers. Each held one or more castles, each held a story, and it was some time before I realised how much each place held for Alys. I had a hint of what was going on when we had passed Lastours, a spectacular chain of towers along a ridge, and continued uphill to a small hut with a tourist info place inside, where Alys had raved over some butterfly or other, as well as any number of short-toed eagles, lizards, plants, slime moulds, whatever.

I collared Nansi as we watched her daughter scurrying around with camera, notebook and laughter, and I asked directly. Nansi sighed, and gave me a hesitant smile.

“We thought we’d lost her, Enfys. We made that promise, remember? That we would take you both down the Rhine, or the Loire, whatever? Vic, me, we really thought… No. Not losing her, are we? Neil…”

She shook herself.

“This is her trip, really. Vic will get his photos, but she will have her fill, as best as we can manage. Do you mind?”

I laid an arm over her shoulder, giving a squeeze.

“How could I ever mind? How can I help?”

“Just keep doing what you have been. We’re going to be squeezing a lot in, this trip. Keep her head spinning. Next stop is a classic, sort of, and we have a couple of rooms booked in the new town, which is the old town, which is… Oh, Vic can explain”

We settled into our rooms that evening, once again a space for me and my lover apart from her parents, which still left me almost screaming with joy, and then set off for the old/new/whatever town. A reasonably large square was fringed by a lot of eateries, each with a drift of tables around its edges. We seated ourselves at one of them, after Vic had spent what felt like hours comparing their menus, and almost at once a waitress appeared, saying something in French.

We filtered our orders through Vic, and I went for a beer. The menu was clear on that one, with a variety of glass sizes, going up to two litres. I raised an eyebrow to Nansi, and she nodded to her right.

“There’s always an idiot, wherever you are. I am gambling that he is English, and… yup!”

The man Nansi had spotted was grotesquely muscled, wearing a white vest cut hack deeply to the rear, almost like a woman’s racing swimming costume. When he turned in his seat to take the oversized glass of lager he had ordered, I could see he had the tiniest of shorts on, the sort used by runners some time in the previous century. His head looked slightly odd, and when Vic caught the way I was trying not to stare, he spoke plainly to me, in a conversational style.

“I am going to use all sorts of odd phrases here so that he doesn’t hear a word we might share with his own language. That is the result of work done to move hair from parts of his body onto the top of his head so that there remains coverage that might have receded like the ebb tide. You can tell by the very straight hairline across his forehead. Mind you, I don’t think his partner’s hair is all hers, either”

The bodybuilder, or whatever he called himself, was grinning as he caught Vic’s sideways look, and brandished the best part of half a gallon of beer one-handed.

“Yeah, man-size drink, innit? None of your poncey Frog thimbles for me!”

Vic pursed his mouth and made a gesture involving bending his right arm at the elbow, with his left hand in the crook, saying in a passable French accent, “Ouai, faut avoir de grands bras!”

The gorilla grinned and nodded, totally missing the gesture, and turned to the blonde with the hair extensions sitting beside him.

“Yeah, darlin’, what I said: I got a right to appreciate the scenery. That’s what women are for, awright?”

We ordered, we ate, we kept to our own language, and the food was lovely, but it was only when a rock band started playing on a stage at the other end of the square that I stopped hearing his steady flow of sexist drivel. It wasn’t just his shorts that were from a previous century.

The band was interesting; called something French, they sang almost entirely in English, with emphasis placed oddly, and regular mispronunciations. By that, I don’t mean that they mispronounced a lot of words, but that the errors they made were consistent, as if they had decided on their own form and were convinced it was correct. One song, however, a happily bouncing tune that they were all smiling to as they sang, made it very clear that they didn’t actually speak English at all.

Alys was the one who worked it out first.

“Mam?”

“Yes, love?”

“Are you hearing the same song I am?”

“If it’s ‘Sympathy for the Devil’ by the Stones, I think so”

“Why are they all smiling? Don’t they understand the words?”

Vic scooped up the last of his mousse au chocolat, and shook his head after licking the spoon.

“No, not at all. They learn the songs from recordings”

Nansi suddenly snorted, as the lead singer grinned his way through lines about a blitzkrieg raging and stinking bodies, and when she had caught her breath, waved a hand.

“Vic, remember that CD Neil showed us that time? The, um…”

She glanced at the deformed man, who was now on his third glass of what must have been horribly flat lager by then, before speaking again.

“I’ll change the name to Welsh, but the band is called air that is bent. Girls, a lot of recordings used to be very rare, and you would find editions from foreign countries, either sold off cheap or, more often, at inflated prices. I remember I found a Led Zep record once, their second album, on vinyl, with all the sleeve notes and song titles in Spanish. The one we are talking about was an album on CD by air that’s bent, which was a Japanese import, with a lyrics sheet prepared in Japan”

Alys squinted slightly.

“And…”

“And the Japanese hadn’t translated the words, they had just written down what they thought they had heard. Made no sense at all!”

“What? Like ‘kiss the sky’ versus ‘kiss this guy’?”

“Oh, a lot worse! Next time we see Neil, see if he can drag it out for us”

Nansi sobered abruptly, clearly due to the memories that bit whenever our friend’s name came up.

“Anyway, love, at least this lot are in tune. And our new friends are off at last. Carpets and piles, Vic?”

“I am not betting against a certainty, love”

The two English people rose and he started to walk away as she grabbed her bag, cigarettes and lighter before clattering off after him, and of course she was in a microdress and white heels that must have been well over four inches in height. Vic was nodding to Nansi, with a broad grin in place.

“Told you! So is it carpet world or Preparation H? I think we should be told!”

Alys was staring at her father, her mouth not quite fully open.

“Dad, how many beers have you had?”

He shrugged.

“Nit driving tomorrow, and we’re on holiday!”

He smiled something in French at a waiter, and raised his eyebrows at the rest of us. Sod it. We were indeed on holiday, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, Vic was fully relaxing. Our drinks came quickly, and after a quick sip, I smiled at him.

“Carpet world or haemorrhoid ointment?”

He shrugged, putting his arms out wide.

“They always walk like that, and I can’t decide whether they are practising to carry a roll of carpet under each arm, or if they’ve got piles in their pits”

Oh dear. I lay with Alys that night, and she was still smiling at the memory.

“You felt it as well, didn’t you, love? He’s happy, happy and relaxed. Not seen him like that since…”

Her voice trailed off, and she shook her head sharply.

“No. Not seen him like that. Close, but not there. Can’t really blame him, I mean, not with… I’ve not been easy for them, have I?”

Nansi’s plea was there, so I rolled over to kiss my lover, which shut her up for a short while, which became a much longer time, and then, as we lay in our sweat, I asked the important question.

“We getting any time on a beach, this trip?”

“Dunno, but I brought the snorkel packs, just in case!”

Subject changed, twice, and successfully, at least for a while.

Breakfast in the hotel was as bad as I had come to expect in France, but I didn’t care. We packed for a day on our feet in the sun, and after a long walk we arrived at the Aude river. An immense walled town stood on top of the low hill on the other side, and Vic called us to a halt in one of the refuges along the side of the old stone bridge.

“Right: a little bit of history, once more. This was a Cathar stronghold, till the French took it over, and that place we are staying, the Low Town, or sometimes ‘New’, was built after that by the people who used to live up there. They were all kicked out, with nothing except the clothes they were wearing. One of the towers was used after that by the Inquisition, and no: nothing at all like the Python sketch. There’s a torture museum there, believe it or not”

Alys was shaking her head once more.

“What’s in it, Dad?”

“No idea. I do have some limits, love. Anyway, this place was falling down, and they were going to demolish it, but a man called Viollet le Duc did a restoration job on it. When I say ‘restoration’, well, YMMV, as I believe you say, and my mileage really does vary. Apart from some standard overview shots, I am going to be looking for details, stuff they missed when making it all pretty. Some of the walls go all the way back to the Romans, for example. That means I am boing to be busy most of the day, so three of you will have a day to yourselves. There’s a lot to see there, and it is going to be crowded. My plan is to walk in through the main gate and spot an eatery, set a time and meet there for lunchtime. Set another rendezvous point for about five, and then eat back in the new/old town. That suit?”

The heat was building as we followed a curving ascent halfway around the fortress, until we came to a massive gatehouse, with a bas-relief statue of some cartoonish woman with huge breasts. Vic sighed.

“Ignore that; typical invented story to explain the town’s name. The last part of it, in the local accent, sounds like ‘sonna’, which can mean ‘rang’, as in a bell. So they invented Dame Carcas here, and came up with a story”

Nansi was grinning, obviously knowing the punchline.

“Think of Beddgelert and the dog, girls, except this was a woman with a pig”

Alys had squeezed my hand at the g-word, and I suspected that she already knew of the story, so I shrugged.

“Go on, then”

Vic nodded.

“OK. Short version: city was under siege, and they were down to the last of their livestock, which was one pig. Dame Carcas decided to fire it over the walls from some siege engine or other, with an announcement that she didn’t like to see the besieging army go hungry, plenty more where that came from, etc. So that army ‘said ‘sod that for a game of soldiers’ and cleared off, whereupon she ordered the city bells to ring. ‘Carcas sonna’, so to speak. Absolute rubbish, of course”

Nansi was still grinning.

“My sort of woman, though!”

Vic shook his head.

“Not mine, love. My two are better—they’re real, and they are here. Let’s do this!”

CHAPTER 42
We moved on the next day, and had three days of progressing from castle to castle. Vic too his snaps, Nansi dispensed nuggets of history, and we ate all sorts of interesting meals. It should have been boring and repetitive, but it was far from that, and not just because of the company I was in.

Some of the historical stuff was amusing, much of it surprising, and every now and again, Nansi came out with something that deeply shocked me. There is a world of difference between hearing of Carcassonne’s flying pig and being told of how ‘Crusaders’, full of Christian charity, had herded 200 people out of Montségur castle and burned them all alive.

That stopped me in my tracks, for right then we were on the edge of the Pyrenees, and while Alys had her attention fixed firmly on various types of wildlife, I had been looking upwards and dreaming of what the tops would be like.

So many of the Cathar castles were perched on sharp ridges, difficult to reach, and once again I was reminded of the English castles of home, built to frighten and subjugate. These ones seemed more like refuges, and I was coming to understand why.

Vic had been listening, and as I shuddered, he had laid an arm over my shoulders.

“One more spectacular one, then I fancy a day at the beach. That do?”

The ‘spectacular’ one, at Peyrepertuse, was exactly that, and the ‘day by the sea’ turned out to be a campsite outside Argelès Plage, one of many huge establishments clustered around the town. Vic shrugged as I looked at the size of the place.

“Would normally avoid this sort of thing, but it’s out of season, and it’s only a short stay. Beaches are excellent along here, and it’s like Portland and Abbotsbury”

Alys was the one to ask, and she seemed delighted at his answer.

“Chesil Beach, love. You can tell which end you are at by the size of the pebbles. Here, if you go down to the other side of the marina, where the hills start, the sand is quite coarse. This beach is just about continuous, all the way round to the Camargue, and the sand there is like talcum powder. Graded grains, like the old advert”

I looked at my lover, and she shrugged in confusion that matched my own. Her Dad winced.

“Getting old, Edwards. Old flour advert, girls. Don’t mind me. Anyway, get the tent up, get cossies on, but put your walking kit on over them. Got a treat for you”

He was a little pushy at that point, and as we emerged from laying out our beds, he was waving at the car.

“Time to roll!”

We were soon on the road north, and after quite a short ride he parked up just off a roundabout after a little bridge, and set off walking past some old huts that seemed to have been woven from sticks. As he settled his rucksack, Vic called out to Alys, “Don’t forget your telescope and stuff!”

“They’re back at the tent, Dad!”

Nansi laughed.

“Nope! I put them in the back of the car”

We set out on a sandy path through what looked like heath crossed with saltmarsh, and Alys was immediately hooked.

“Fan-tailed warbler! And I can hear geese somewhere… think they’re geese…”

I could see bits of open water ahead, and when we came up out of a little hollow, we saw a huge lake or lagoon. Alys gasped, before turning to hug her father. The ‘geese’ turned out to be very long-legged and long-necked, and were pink. The place was full of flamingos.

A short moment later, and she was setting up her tittle spotter scope and pleading with her father to take some decent photos for her. Nansi grinned at me, and indicated a patch of soft-looking sand.

“Shall we have a cuppa and leave them to it?”

“Sounds fair to me!”

I lay on my back for a while, the sky an immense blue bowl above me, as Nansi messed about with a small gas stove. Once she had our mugs ready, I sat up, looking across the pancake-flat land to where the mountains suddenly reared up.

“That one there, Enfys, the big one, that’s Canigou. Sort of a holy mountain to the Catalans. Odd area, this one”

“What way is it odd?”

“Borders, love. Artificial ones. This used to be the centre of Catalonia, which covered a huge area. Up the road in Perpignan there is the Palace of the Kings of Majorca, and you already know about Languedoc and the French. That last lot divided this place between themselves and Spain, so what’s now a national border runs through the middle of what was a country”

She paused to blow across her tea, as Vic and Alys muttered as quietly as they could manage about egrets and squacco herons.

“Did come in handy in the thirties, though. The Catalans were some of the last fighting against the fascists in Spain, and this area, well, different campsites. Refugees. One big collection of terrified, homeless people. Thank god that’s all over”

She stared over towards her family.

“Funny things, borders. Same up in the North and East of France; everyone arguing over what they say is theirs. Just like our own history. Sod all that; I have better things to think about. Is she happy, Enfys? When we’re not looking, me and her Dad, that is?”

“I really think she is. That Canaries trip broke down a lot of little barriers, silliness we had at school. Even…”

Take a sip, find the words.

“I am even seeing that what Ifor did to her brought some good. Shook some people’s thinking up, even some of the teachers. Helped them see her for who she is, not who they thought she was”

Nansi’s reply was soft.

“You really think it was a good thing, what he did?”

I found my nails digging into my palms as my fists clenched.

“No bloody way! If he hadn’t… I’d have gutted the bastard, ah?”

A level gaze from her, followed by a little shake of her head.

“We know, love. We know that now, anyway. Please understand that our priority, in everything, is our daughter, so when we say thanks, we really mean it. Always there for her, you’ve been. It’s been a worry for us, how long you could stay the pace, aye”

I sat up straighter, but before I could complain, I saw her smile.

“Those questions were answered ages back, love. It’s a strange feeling now, emerging from so many years of fear. Look at her now, ah? Not seen Vic as relaxed for ages”

“Not even on that tour we did in the North?”

“Not at all. That was so… We wanted to let you emerge, you singular that is, and while we did that, we were also letting you plural come out. We made that Yank term, a judgement call, ah? I hope… Enfys, have you ever felt we were pushing things, you and Alys? Shrewsbury, all that?”

I looked at her, gauging her meaning, then smiled.

“Never. I just counted my blessings. Not just time with her, but all the other people I met, like Annie”

Nansi snorted.

“Oh god aye! Woman with a heart the size of Wales, isn’t she? Anyway, getting to the point. What are your aims at Uni? Travelling in daily, with your Mam, or?”

Ah.

“Um, we have ideas. A… a place of our own. Alys wants to be… Alys wants to be Alys. But also be with me. Just two more…”

I ran out of words just then, and Nansi reached across to take my free hand.

“Just another lesbian partnership, ah? Scared?”

“Bloody terrified, I am, but, well, two of us, ah? Two of us, together, we’ll cope”

Nansi was nodding, smiling as she did so.

“Indeed. Our next worry is her year away. She is only talking about going to Australia!”

That was my first real confirmation that Alys and I were now sharing things in which her parents weren’t automatically included. Welcome to the adult world, Hiatt. Change the subject.

“I will always be there for her, Nansi, always. But this is a holiday. Plan for today?”

She nodded, sighing, then pointed to a watercourse.

“Walk along that and under the road. There are some rocks and stuff, and I am sure there will be birds. Then up the beach for swimming, back to the site via a hypermarket, camp cooking and bed. We have one more important site to capture, a few days more at the beach, then it is the drive north”

The water course gave Alys Kentish plovers, gull-billed terns and others I have forgotten, and the clear water we swam in gave her a chance to lecture us on slipper limpets, but in the end, we were snorkelling over rippled sand as all sorts of fish darted away from us. There wasn’t the variety we had seen off Tenerife, certainly not the big fish, nor the turtles, but it was still a delight.

Two days later, we were at Béziers, with a remarkable collection of bridges that included a canal crossing a river, and Vic sighed.

“This is a bad one, ladies. What happened here was awful. I’m going to… Look. It’s not that far to the beaches, down to Valras and that. I could drop you off there and finish this, but if you stay I am going to feel honour-bound to explain”

Alys took my hand.

“You mean that this is going to hurt you, don’t you?”

How mouth worked.

“Yes”

“Not leaving you on your own, then. What happened here?”

He slumped.

“If I say ‘bad things’---no. Not fair. Crusaders besieged it, defenders made a mistake, city fell. Junior officer realised there would be a massacre, and asked the bishop, cardinal, whatever for advice. How to avoid killing those deemed acceptable to the Pope. Famous reply, it was”

I couldn’t find the words, so I simply raised my eyebrows, and his reply was awful.

“Kill them all. God will know his own. That’s what is reported, and there are documents… The bishop, whatever, Amalric, he claimed they killed twenty thousand people. Except, he called them ‘heretics’, so that was okay. Enough. Now, I shall be spending some time doing the picture thing, but there is a restaurant just over there, and the canal viaduct thing over the Ob is interesting, so I shall see you all again in a little while”

That was the moment I decided that however Alys and I ended up, however we lived together, our bookshelves would hold copies of her father’s work. It was another moment when I realised why my parents loved both Vic and Nansi.

We spent two more days on that immense beach, camping at Marseillan, before heading north by way of the amazing Millay viaduct, bridge, whatever, Alys squealing with delight as she watched the vultures air-surfing around us.

A week later, we were at Bangor.

CHAPTER 43
Mam drove us both in for the first morning, Alys having turned up at stupid o’clock in the morning, as Dad called it. Each of us had a day pack holding our first set books, pads of paper, a whole pack of pens, as well as our laptop bags. I was extremely nervous and as we settled in the back of our car, and Alys took my hand, I found her palm sweaty.

Eight hours later, I was wondering what my fear had been about. The registration had been in three stages, starting with a general session together for starting at the University, followed by separate ones for our specific course intake, and finally an introductory session with my tutorial group.

My tutor was a raw-boned man who introduced himself as “Doctor Matthew Goode, but call me Matt, please, and no, I am monoglot, sorry. Any silly questions to get out of the way, before we settle down to the formalities?”

There was a general hubbub, and he held up both hands.

“How old are you lot? One at a time. Don’t bother with introductions, we’ll do that later. Hand up if you have something to ask. You in the Think Pink antique?”

A lad with a strong Birmingham accent.

“Grit, granite or other?”

Matt shrugged.

“K1, in my case”

“Sorry?”

“I don’t climb, my friend. Kayak, single seat. I will be leading the water-based activity parts of your course”

He moved to ask another student, then caught himself.

“Actually, for a silly question, that raises a valuable and important point. I know that each of you will have at least one sport, some outdoor activity, that you will see as being your focus, your comfort zone, but this course is wide-ranging. That means there will be requirements on each of you to reach a minimum standard of competence in multiple strands of activity. We don’t insist that each of you becomes a human spider as well as getting Olympic golds for sailing, swimming and canoeing, but you will need to demonstrate competence in several fields, and above all clear judgement and application of all systems of safety. More on that later. You with the absolutely brand-new Bangor sweatshirt??”

I found myself thinking back what seemed like aeons to that climbing session on Tryfan Fach, where I had been so gently chided for my impatience, and reminded that other people had their own needs. It was a second or so before I realised the tutor had meant myself.

“Um, okay. Not done much in the water apart from swim, but I do climb. Will we need to buy our own kit for things, and in the climbing can we use our own rack and stuff?”

That brought a laugh from him, and then a cheeky grin.

“Oh dear, this is a change. We are getting sensible questions, rather than ones about the best pubs!”

“I’m a local, sir. I think I know where the good ones are already. I mean, I’m not really a pubgoer, but, well…”

“Enough, love. Short summary: all safety equipment, in fact all equipment, is provided by the University. Clothing is your job. That includes climbing boots and wetsuits. We will provide dry suits for particular activities, and you are welcome to use your own climbing kit when doing your own thing, but we have to take a lead on safety, and our stuff is inspected professionally to a set schedule. As an instructor, as a supervisor of outdoor activities, it is what you will be doing with pupils, trainees, customers, whatever you call them. Guiding is different”

I could see his point, and realised I would need to do a lot of work to become familiar with a different rack. I was racking my gear using Steph’s system by then, as it worked well, so, I thought, it shouldn’t cause any issues.

The session carried on, and when the hinted-at pub questions arrived, Matt laughed and called out for ‘Sweatshirt woman!”

I laughed, and waved at the clothing in question.

“Bangor sweatshirt, but I’m actually from Bethesda, up on the edge of the national park. And I’m Enfys, by the way. I know there are a couple of popular student pubs. Mostyn Arms, Skerries; those are good ones. For me, I’m living at home, so it’s the Spotted Cow, but I only really go there for the folk club”

A couple of other students sat up at that point. One young lad, a Geordie by his accent, asked me a direct question.

“Hi, Enfys. I’m Lee. What do you play?”

Matt laughed again.

“I will interrupt proceedings at this point, as I now know who Enfys is, and who she arrived at Uni with, which was her partner, am I right?”

As Lee blushed, and I asked myself how I had missed such an obvious pulling attempt, I just answered, “I have a harp. My other half is a drummer, and a couple of my friends are amazing on fiddle and flute”

The meeting settled into a much more congenial mixture of personal introductions and serious and semi-serious questions, and I did catch a sly grin from Lee, with a smiling assurance that “You’ve just got to try, haven’t you?” as we settled down afterwards to the refreshments Matt had ready for us in the shape of tea, coffee, fruit juice and biscuits.

“What course is your lad on, then?”

“Oh, she’s studying ecology and conservation stuff”

That brought a guffaw.

“Christ, man, am I really getting it wrong today. Lee Wardle. I’m from Gateshead”

“Enfys Hiatt, from Bethesda. My other half’s called Alys. Meeting up for lunch, if you want to say hi”

“Oh aye? So you can go ‘Hi, love; this idiot tried to tap us up’?”

His eyes were twinkling, though, so I went along with the joke, and when lunchtime arrived, our tutorial group, shorn of those living in catered accommodation, sort of collided with my lover’s in the cafeteria. Notes were compared, introductions were made, and Alys was ecstatic.

“Love, it is going to be amazing! The courses… hell. Sorry. They’re all English, aren’t they?”

She looked around the mixed group with a smile, changing over to that other language.

“Sorry, everybody, but it’s what we, what all our family and most of our friends speak. Bit rude, ah?”

A couple of other voices chimed in, saying that they spoke the same language as us, before one of them laughed, then spoke in English.

“I’m Trefor Jones, ladies. From Cathays in Cardiff, aye? When I say I speak your language, well, it would be nice if you spoke it our way! Gogs and hwntws, it is!”

To the multiple puzzled faces, he explained that there were serious differences between the forms of Welsh spoken in North and South Wales, not just the accents, and Lee snorted.

“Like Mackems, aye? People from Sunderland. They talk really odd, like, you can hardly understand what they’re saying. Course, that doesn’t matter”

‘Trev’ sighed.

“I know I am going to regret asking this, but in for a penny… Why doesn’t it matter?”

Lee shrugged once again.

“Whey, they’re Mackems. Who cares what they think?”

The mood got even sillier after that, and by the time we settled into a lecture theatre for what was described as a ‘plenary class session’ for orientation, issue of timetable, assessment plans both continuous and via examination, etc, etc, there were more than a few embryonic friendships forming.

Alys was almost silent on the way home, until Mam called over her shoulder to us both.

“How was it, then? Highlights, summary?”

I started, after a quick squeeze of my hand.

“Really good, Mam. They all seem like a good bunch, but it looks like I have some money to find. I will need a wetsuit”

“Already sorted, love”

“Eh? When was that?”

“I spoke to the faculty, and then asked Neil for some advice, so he did his usual bit of above and beyond. Put the word out through his caving club. Someone bought a suit for their partner, who used it once before deciding caving wasn’t for her”

I chuckled at that.

“Sensible woman! I mean, that cave diving thing he does—absolute nightmare material!”

“Yes indeed. Anyway, it’s coming up with him on his next visit. Alys? You OK? Very quiet there”

“I’m fine. Just a little… Just a bit overwhelmed. It’s all real, all of it! I am…”

She trailed off for a few seconds, then tried again.

“I am just going to get this out, right? Please don’t interrupt, but I love you both so much it hurts. There. That’s said. It’s back when they all thought I was a boy, I had dreams. So many of them… I thought I was mad, you know? That there couldn’t possibly be anyone else as mad, as wrong, as I was? But I still had dreams… I used to watch the nature programmes, Attenborough and all that, and it would be me, not him, but the real me, the me I knew I was, and not just another man. And today… Today, I’m there. Alys is there. In colour, with a lover, and about to get new friends who don’t need to know what they called me when I was little, and it’s all real, all like Christmas morning, but my present is already unwrapped, and…”

She tailed off, as the tears were there for at least two of us. I noticed Mam wipe her face: make that all three.

After a few quiet sniffs, Mam tried for cheerful.

“Early night for you both then, and same again tomorrow!”

Alys started laughing, and with real joy in her voice, said, “Oh yes!”

CHAPTER 44
The rest of the week found its pattern, each day book-ended by a ride with Mam, and punctuated with a shared lunch. I am sure I was just as vocal as Alys was, about the way my course was going, but so much of what she described sailed right past me. At least with my stuff, it was rooted in daily life, at least the sort of daily life lived by someone who lived in the middle of mountains sprinkled with lakes.

That first Tuesday involved a bit of driving in a small coach, visiting a number of sites used by the University. We drove down the Menai to the National Outdoor Centre, where Matt showed us canoes (“Kayaks, Enfys!”) and small sailing boats, explaining that the Strait itself was potentially a nasty place to be in a boat.

“These waters can be vicious, people. When we start using the centre, there will be safety boats out. Spare biccy for anyone who can tell me why the place is nasty? Lee: saw you nodding”

“Aye, I was. Like the Solent, isn’t it? One strait, ends set apart from East to West, not North to South. Tidal bulge arrives at our right, chunk of it races down the Strait, then runs into the rest of the bulge as it rounds Anglesey, which slows it down, and when that happens it leaks backwards again. That right?”

Our tutor was nodding along with Lees words.

“Absolutely. Really good example of how topology can affect safety. Tides are really important here, so always respect the medium. Water has life of its own. Once you have gained sufficient competence in a K1, we’ll have a look at the Swellies when they are running. Time to roll!”

Past Caernarfon and up to Llanberis, where there were more not-canoes, including what Matt called ‘C2s’ and ‘C4s’, as well as a collection of paddle boards, which struck me as an immensely silly way to get about. Plas Y Brenin and the twin Mymbyr lakes followed, before we worked our way through Betws and Llanrwst to Conwy, where there were what seemed like square miles of water filled with moored sailing craft. We didn’t stop long, just enough time for a few comments about learning how river currents interacted with tidal flows, and how both changed the sand bars, and then we were parking on top of the Great Orme, as everyone else was calling Y Gogarth, and Matt was pointing out the ski centre.

“Those of you who were sensible will have packed lunches with them. For the rest of you, there’s a café. We will be staying here for a little while, partly because it is lunchtime, partly because it’s a nice day and the views are great, but mainly because I intend to have a little fun. Who’s for a go on the toboggan run?”

He laughed as he said this, then waved a hand.

“Perks of this job, but this is one of two places you’ll be using for ski practice. This is purely to gather the techniques; objective dangers will be covered on the hill, especially if we get a decent fall of snow. Later stages of your studies will involve expeditions to places like the Scottish Highlands for the full-on White Nasties, and now is a good time to remind you of the importance of your logbooks. If you do anything relevant out of class, whether it is a hill walk, a bit of open-water swimming, or putting up a new E10 in Dinorwic yes I am looking at you Enfys, it needs recording. It’s not just handy for the continuous assessment part of the course, but it serves as a reminder of where you started and how you have come on”

He paused, grinned, then asked for a show of hands.

“Those who want to go on the toboggan? All of you? Good choice! Eat afterwards, rather than risk leaving it on the track!”

It was all very, very silly, but none of us ACTUALLY left the track. As we ate a rather expensive lunch in the little café, I noticed both Lee and Trav staring at me.

“What?”

Lee bit.

“E bloody 10? Where?”

“Oh, he’s joking. I’ve only just got into the Es”

“How far?”

“Um, E1, that’s all I’ve led so far”

“What on?”

“Slate”

Trev was looking at my hands.

“Enfys, you said that’s what you’ve led, aye? What about toprope, or second?”

“Oh, not much better. E4”

Lee was muttering “Oh right, ‘Not much better, only E4’, fuck me. Remember that question from yesterday?”

“Oh yes! Grit, I suppose, then slate. Not done anything on granite or limestone”

Trev nudged the other lad.

“I was right, then. You can see the old gritrash on her knuckles. Rest of your family climbers too?”

I nodded.

“Mam and Dad are. We run a bunkhouse in the hills, so I normally have someone to go out with. It’s how my parents met, actually”

Lee swallowed a bite of his sandwich.

“What, at a bunkhouse?”

“No; a climbing club”

“Your, er, your girlfriend, then? Is she a climber?”

“No, not her thing, though she does like a good walk on the tops. What do you two prefer, your speciality, ah?”

Tref went first, and to my surprise it was caving that he loved.

I found my head shaking as soon as I realised where he was going.

“No, not for me. If I fall off and get hurt, I want it to be in the open. Got a friend, man called Neil? He goes that bit further than you”

“Let me guess: cave diving? Always wanted to have a go at that”

I realised Lee’s mouth was as slack-jawed as mine.

“You’re barking, lad! In a cave? In the dark? Underwater? Sod that!”

I found myself laughing, and turned to the Geordie.

“Lee, man, as you put it, I am absolutely with you on that one! You done the scuba thing, Trev?”

“Yes. Got my… no. It’ll mean nothing to you; leave it to the lecturers. Either of you sail?”

Two heads shaking; neither of us, it seemed, and when Trev confirmed his own lack of experience with wind and water, we agreed we had something we could all improve at.

It was a bloody good day.

The bunkhouse was busy that weekend, with a few regulars making an appearance, so Alys and I were kept busy, which kept our minds off what Monday was to bring, as we had a major hurdle to cross in the shape of the Freshers’ Bazaar, a gathering of the various University clubs and societies on the hunt for fresh meat, which I had always felt was a bit of a strange way to describe people you wanted to like you. The Bazaar was set for the afternoon, and so we met up again for our midday meal before heading for the massive auditorium and our public.

That was the source of our fear, in essence. Our respective classes knew where we stood with each other, as did many of the faculty, but this was the entire uni. We had some ideas of groups we wanted to sound out, of course, and one of them was likely to offer some issues. I still had clear memories of that second-hand comment from another University, about ‘traps’ and sexual predators, and while I really wanted to fly what I now knew beyond all my possible doubts was my flag, I was worried about my lover. One hint of transphobia, and we would be away from their table. As we came to the entrance, I took her hand, along with a deep breath, and we were in.

So many stalls! Every sport known to man was there, including something called Octopush, something else called canoe polo, along with chess, cross-country running, cars, choral singing, ceilidh dancing, and those were just some of the ‘Cs’. The one I was after, of course, was ‘Climbing’, and after I had signed up, I looked at their display, which was probably the wrong way to do things, but there had been zero risk I wouldn’t sign up.

They had a lot of pictures on a large board, many of which showed some rather dated kit being used very effectively. I recognised some of the routes, including that roof climb, ‘Sloth’, from the Roaches, and ‘Dream of White Horses’, plus one or two that looked to be in the Alps or perhaps even further away. What really caught my eye was the climber pulling into the crux move on ‘Sloth’, a young woman whose pony tail was hanging down at right angles to the line of her body, as she hung upside down, face set in utter concentration.

Alys caught me up from a quick dash to the ‘Bs’.

“Not there; it’ll be under ‘O’, then”

A sniff.

“Ornithology, love, not birdwatching!”

Something had caught my eye on the Cross-Country club’s stand, which also had a huge board covered in pictures. In the middle of the spread was a photo of some old trophy celebration, a group of men and one woman holding up a cup and grinning happily. It was the same woman I had seen in the photo of ‘Sloth’. Clearly a scarily talented athlete.

The skinny man behind the table coughed.

“Looking to sign up?”

I shook my head.

“No; got too many other things to fill my time. Mountaineer, me, but I see you had someone who did both”

“What do you mean?”

“I signed on at the Climbing Club”

“Ah, to nobody’s surprise at all, from what you said!”

“Indeed. It’s just you’ve got a pic of the same person they have”

“Which one’s that, then?”

“That one. With the pony tail”

“Oh! Right! Real club legend, that one. Stevie Elliott. If, well; could have been a real international star, if things hadn’t gone… Anyway, a real star, in both clubs. You two are obviously… Sorry, but my tact reservoir is dry. If you are going to join the LGBT+ lot, look at their pics as well. And welcome to Bangor!”

He seemed a little rattled, which was odd, but we found the folk club before we found the rainbow one, and we ended up deep in discussion about instruments and tunes, and as we nattered, Jordan, the Birmingham lad from my tutorial group, turned up. I had just mentioned our one and only festival, and he laughed.

“You two go to Shrewsbury as well? Great, isn’t it!”

Alys was grinning as well.

“Yeah! Been a couple of times, meeting up with a load of friends there. Think the best bit is the Monday night”

Jordan shook his head, but not in disagreement.

“You’ll mean the session. Not the same for me. Don’t play anything, me, but it’s bloody good sing-around. Some of the musicians, though, they get a bit silly. There’s this one there every year, absolutely fruitloop, plays fiddle… Oh”

He looked at each of us in turn.

“You’re going to say she’s a mate of yours, aren’t you?”

Alys’ grin broadened.

“If the one you mean has long red hair, oh yes!”

“Shit. This where I rewind my memories to be sure I didn’t say anything really stupid”

“Apart from ‘absolutely fruitloop’, you mean?”

“Bollocks”

I put my arm over Alys’ shoulders.

“Jordan. My beloved here is teasing. Steph is one of my best friends, along with her husband, and I am reasonably sure that she would take that as a compliment, and her other half would just laugh happily”

“Oh. Thanks, I hope. Um…”

His voice dropped.

“I was hoping to see you, Enfys. I’m after a favour”

I realised he was blushing, and Alys stepped away from my arm.

“Fresh air, the three of us? Don’t worry, my friend”

“Jordan”

“I’m Alys, this one you know. But of air, then”

She led the way back outside, where the sun was still warm, and as soon as we were far enough away from other people, she took both of his hands.

“Am I right, Jordan? Your family don’t know?”

He tried to make a joke of it, but he was now shaking.

“Don’t know whether to nod or shake, do I? Yes, you’re right, I think, and no, they don’t. Don’t think they’d be happy”

Half a ton of loose change suddenly dropped, and I took one of his hands from my lover and kept hers for myself.

“Moral support, is it? Just to have someone with you when you sign up?”

Alys had a tissue for the few tears that escaped, but he found his self-control remarkably quickly.

“You two don’t mind?”

Laughter from my lover.

“Not a problem, love. Do it now, while we have a head of steam?”

He gave a much firmer nod.

“Yes. Get it done. And thanks”

We all but marched into the hall once more, and there was the rainbow flag, as well as a few others I didn’t recognise, along with the usual mix of leaflets and, yes, a big board of photographs. As Alys stepped up to the table, I went for a look at the pictures. Stevie Elliott was there, with a dark-haired woman I assumed was her partner. In the meantime, Alys was confusing the boy behind the table.

“Looking to sign up as allies, you two?”

My girl snorted.

“Nope! Me and HER want to sign up as full members or whatever you call it!”

The boy looked across at me, shaking his head.

“Sorry! See a man and a woman holding hands, assumptions, aye? I’m Drew, by the way. Something caught your eye there?”

“Yes. Saw photos on the climbing club stand, then the cross-country one, and they said I should look at yours, and here she is. Busy girl!”

“Who?”

“Lad said she’s called Stevie Elliott”

“Oh. One of the real movers and shakers of this group was Stevie. We see him back here now and again, for big events. You don’t know about him, then?”

Alys looked shocked.

“Are we talking about last century? A children’s home?”

Drew’s smile had gone.

“You’ve got it. Such courage…”

Alys took my hand.

“Not now, ah? I’ll talk her through it later. Right now, well, we are two lesbians wanting to sign up, and this is Jordan”

“Um. Hi. I’m Jordan, as she says, and can I sign up because I’m a gay man and this is the first time I’ve ever come out and I don’t know what to do!”

CHAPTER 45
He was shaking as he spoke, and Drew picked up on that immediately, impressing me with his depth of character. I wondered what his own history had been like, before pulling myself back to the there and then, and Jordan.

Drew’s eyes flicked between the young man and my girl, before he smiled, reaching across to shake the boy’s hand.

“Coming out, love? Not the first, won’t be the last, but just remember who we are. Big safety net, aren’t we? Right. A few basics…”

He ran through a clearly well-practised list of meetings and diary dates, pubs to avoid and places to feel safe in, then smiled again, directly at Jordan

“We do a sort of mentoring scheme, if you like. Looking after new friends, those just coming out of their closet. Stevie was the one who started it up, and as he was a fan, he named it his way”

When Jordan asked “Fan of what?”, Alys sniffed so loudly that heads turned across the aisle.

“Danes! Fan, young man, of SF, not Sci-Fi, not anything else with stupid ideas. A man of sensible tastes, evidently. That name, Drew?”

“Chrysalids”

“Perfection! John Lucas Beynon Wyndham Parkes Harris, Enfys, or whatever order all those names were in. John Wyndham: Day of the Triffids? Midwich Cuckoos? Kraken Wakes?”

I was shaking my head, so she sighed, back of her hand to her forehead.

“As I said, Danes! Sigh, such lack of education. Note to self: see if there is an SF Society”

She was chuckling by then, still as incapable of maintaining a pose as ever.

“Jordan, love? If they have a group with such a sensible name, you will be fine. Do you want to stay with us after you sign up? We will be looking at a few more groups; anything you want to see, in particular? Please say it isn’t anything like a Barbara Cartland or Star Wars society!”

I looked across at her, so atypically confident, and she returned a wink. We worked our way through the rest of the stands as a trio, Alys signing on for both of her predicted groups, ornithology and SF, Jordan engaging with the sailing and rowing clubs, while I stayed with my initial choices of music and mountains and people like us. We emerged, finally, into the remaining sunlight, bundles of leaflets in hand, grins feeling fixed in place. Jordan was amazingly upbeat, I assume because he had finally put his head up in public.

“You two out tonight? Pub?”

I shook my head.

“Living at home, we are. Mam gives us a lift each day. Not tonight, aye?”

Alys chipped in.

“Here’s a thought, ah? If we get a few people together, and Enfys and her parents have room, why not come out our way? Folk night in the pub, crash in the bunkhouse? We even know someone who has a chip shop!”

She waited a few seconds before adding “And we may even have the red-haired fiddler on hand”

Jordan winced, then smiled.

“Please don’t think I’m gushing, but, well, this is more than I ever expected. Getting to be… Being open about myself, first time ever. Your pub: are they OK with people… people like us? Gay folk?”

Alys nodded once, in her usual way.

“Yes. Both of us understand that, but we have been very, very lucky”

“Well, that idea of a night out at your pub sounds a good’un. I’d leave it a little bit, though, until we’ve actually met a few more people, ones who’d enjoy it”

I looked at Alys, and she grinned back at me.

“I think the boy has his head screwed on, love! And it would be a really good idea to check with your Dad, just to be sure there’s room. That and sort transport”

I gave her my own grin.

“I might have a plan available!”

We left Jordan to make his own way back to Hall after spending the last bit of the afternoon talking about random rubbish while eating an impromptu picnic sat at one of the tables near the Housing Office, and then two of us walked slowly towards the car park to meet Mam. She was as direct as ever.

“Which clubs have you joined, then, apart from LGBT, climbing and birding?”

My other girl sniffed.

“And SF, even if this one has no taste!”

I was struck by a memory just then.

“Alys?”

“That’s my name”

“Danes? What’s that about?”

“Ah, Fen and Danes. Fen is the plural of Fan, and Dane is short for Mundane. People who prefer Barbara Cartland to Alice Sheldon”

She gave my hand a squeeze, so it was all right, but I was left with memories of a conversation years before, about that same Alice Sheldon, and another Alice, something Norton, and once again I found an insight, a window, into the awful depth of despair my beloved had faced. In an echo of childhood complaints, all I could think was ‘It’s not FAIR!’

I did my best to cover the shudder that came with the memory. Change the subject, Hiatt.

“Alys?”

“That’s still my name”

“What you said you’d tell me… What they hinted at in the running group?”

“Ah”

I looked at her, and she simply turned her eyes toward the roof of the car.

“Lots of history here, love. There was once a man who tried to make a boy into a girl. He was called John Money, and two boys died, because…”

She was shaking, so I hugged her, but she was absolutely rigid. Her voice was faint as she continued.

“There was a British doctor who followed Money’s idea. He took a boy, and tried to make him into a girl. By way of a children’s home that… Enfys?”

“Yes, love?”

“That was where we were talking about at the cross-country stand. A place that… Sorry. We are talking real hell on Earth stuff. Lots of dead children. Stevie Elliott was the one that stayed alive. He wrote a book, and…”

She took a couple of deep breaths, before turning her face to mine.

“I spoke to you about that not-just-me thing, love. When I was lost, when.. Before I managed to get through to Mam and Dad, I was looking for…”

I caught Mam’s eyes in the mirror, flicking towards us, but I simply reached forward to squeeze her shoulder before cuddling up to Alys.

“Always here for you, love, all of us”

She drew in a long sigh, then let her breath out in a humph.

“Yes, you are. I know that now, but back then, well, you think you’re mad, you think you’re being punished for something very naughty. Kid logic. Worst thing…worst of all is thinking you are alone, that there couldn’t possibly be anyone else as warped. Then you start finding out there are others, and you have never been alone. That was Stevie’s thing, but he realised he wasn’t like that, he was just a smaller than average boy with bully problems. I still found his book, though, and oh god, I sometimes wish I hadn’t. What Ifor did, that was nothing. Change the subject, please”

Mam called back to us.

“Just to let you know, Stevie Elliott is still a hot topic at work. Every time we get a stupid comment about trans people, we bring him up. Helps shut up the bigots”

I thought back to that Sussex lecturer, and shook my head. Clearly, intelligence didn’t always arrive in company with common sense. Subject change, as Alys had asked.

“Mam?”

“Yes, love?”

“One of our new friends… We had an idea, and he filtered it. Once we have settled down a bit, what do you think about us using the bunkhouse and having a group stay for the folk night?”

Mam started laughing, her head shaking slightly from side to side.

“And did anyone suggest you wait a little bit to see how many of your new chums will actually turn out to be friends?”

Alys was clear in her reply.

“Yes. One of them we are pretty sure will turn out to be a good friend said that we should let things settle first”

“Sensible, that one. Boy or girl?”

“Young man, Mam”

“Then he might be a keeper.. Now, tonight is a pizza night for us. You staying, or going back home, Alys?”

That casual acceptance warmed my heart, and rather than let myself drift into the tears I felt waiting, I changed the subject properly.

“Mam?”

“Yes, love?”

“Promise you won’t crash the car?”

“I can’t promise, but I’ll try not to”

“This friend, he’s called Jordan. He goes to the Shrewsbury festival as well”

“And what am I waiting to hear?”

Alys had buried her face in my shoulder, giggles taking over her whole body. I tried to keep my voice steady.

“Jordan was talking about the Monday night session at Shrewsbury. He said there was this nutter fiddler..”

Mam steered the car quickly into a lay-by, switching the engine off just before she broke into guffaws. When she calmed down, or at least stopped snorting, she asked, “And did you enlighten him?”

“Um, yes”

“Pity. Anyway, if you have this trip, and Steph’n’Geoff are there, do not tell them”

“Why not?”

“Because she’ll only use it as an excuse to go even more over the top, No shame, that woman”

CHAPTER 46
University life was so very different from school. It looked, on the surface, as if we had much less work to do, lessons being fewer, free time seeming to be endless, but it wasn’t at all that way. There was so much background reading to do, for starters, and then we weren’t being handed the answers for later parroting. Our lecturers actually expected us to go out and bloody RESEARCH things, the sods.

That meant long hours spent in the library or online, hours the lecture plan suggested could have been free time. Every so often, we would be handed an essay title, and after a couple of utterly abortive attempts on my part, we were given a crash course in academic writing, including in-text references as well as how to list sources.

That last included a very scathing comment that Wikipedia was a gateway to sources and not a source in itself, as well as a very, very unsubtle hint that we should always ask ourselves why a ‘source’ author was writing. We had just been told about Andrew Wakefield and his debunked articles about vaccines when I was handed a topic that led to some truly fascinating reading: environmental issues in high altitude mountaineering.

Dad caught me reading internet articles on frostbite and cerebral oedema, shook his head, walked out and came back to my room with some paperbacks.

“Joe Simpson, love. Read ‘Touching the Void first, then take a break. ‘Dark Shadows Falling’ will leave you bloody angry, so take it in sections. The Harrer book is a bit dated, but it hits all the right points about objective danger”

He went to leave, then turned as he was about to shut my bedroom door.

“When you’ve had enough, give a shout and I’ll put the kettle on. And I’ve been looking at bookings: let me know how many you’ll want beds for, okay?”

I read the three books across the next week, and I was so glad that I took his advice. That first Simpson book was absolutely harrowing, Harrer’s ‘White Spider’ left me shuddering about stonefall—was that what Steph had meant by ‘mixed climbing’?

The second Simpson book, though; that left me in tears, especially when he described how an Indian climber had died alone, friendless, while another climbing party had returned to their tents after filming him.

“Couldn’t one of them had held his hand?”, Simpson had asked, and in that I was with him, heart and soul. In his writing, I heard Neil’s breakdown after he had found Alys. Was that what I had signed up for?

I answered my own question, of course, and made sure that Simpson’s anger was made clear in my essay. ‘Adventure sport and mental health’, that was my justification.

The evening I read the section about the Indian, Dad saw my face as I came into the living room, and drew me into a hug.

“I believe I know the bit you’ve just read. Got me the same way. Tea?”

I nodded.

“How could other people do that, Dad? Just leave someone like that? To die?”

“Ah, love that was Simpson’s point. Krakauer and that, they call it ‘The Death Zone’. People die; you walk on, leave them, or you die with them. It is really a different world, up there”

“Yes, but it wasn’t like that! He was outside their tent!”

His mouth twisted.

“Yes. That’s the other lesson, love: some people are just… Well, there are words, just not nice ones. Anyway, change of subject. Steph’n’Geoff are up in three weeks, Neil as well; that suit you?”

I nodded, and when he brought in the tea, I found myself settling into the warmth of his cuddle, as if I had lost fifteen years of growth, regressing to childhood in the simple understanding that his love was mine, that he would be there for me as long as he lived.

I checked the Cow’s website for details and ran the offer through with my tutorial group over a lunch break, as Alys joined us with her own people, and it was Lee who reacted first.

“Him? Bloody hell! I am definitely in if it’s Jimmy Kerr that’s on”

Alys was chuckling.

“That will definitely spoil his night, having someone laugh at his jokes straight away rather than after he explains them. We asking the girls, love? Sali and that?”

“Why not? And we can warn Colin we’ll be taking over the chippy afterwards. How many are up for this?”

Eight confirmations, and I set off to have a word with ‘Prof Matt’ about my other idea, only to find that Mam had beaten me to it.

“Is this intended to be a full-on debauch, or a cultural evening as part of a team-building exercise?”

“Um…”

“I have already planned this one, and liaised to the best of my ability. We will have an optional exercise, where some of your partner’s group will be plant mapping, beetle counting or whatever, and we will be practising rope work on the Gribin. I’ll come back in the morning to collect you. No: you do NOT need your tutor along on a piss-up. Some things I need not to see, if you take my point”

I did, and a week later, after an afternoon spent re-enacting half of those Bill March books I had been given, we were all dropped off at the bunkhouse, where Sali, Elen, Warren and Neil were already ensconced. As the various sleeping bags were laid out, Tref looked pointedly at me and Alys.

“Where are your bags?”

I just raised an eyebrow, pointing behind me.

“When I have my own bed next door? Give me credit! Alys and I will rejoin you for breakfast, and we have left enough here for a decent one. Thank our parents for that”

There was a rumble outside, and Alys perked up at the sound, her whole face shining, and rushed out of the door. I called over to Trefor.

“Sounds like someone you might want a natter with, lad; a friend of ours. I’ll introduce you once Alys lets him breathe again”

Sali winced.

“Please tell me—Trefor, was it? You another lunatic, then?”

Alys returned, wrapped around Neil, who was blushing bright red, and it was only the excuse of having to get out of his bike kit that broke her embrace. I waved across to him as he struggled with a boot.

“Hiya, Neil! Got someone here you should have a chat with. He’s another lunatic”

Neil’s forehead wrinkled, before he caught on.

“Caver?”

I nodded.

“Even worse”

“Cave diver?”

“Neil, Tref; Tref, Neil”

That was the start of the evening, and it just got better. We walked down to the High Street as a solid mass of people, picking up our parents en route, and took over half the pub after an early descent on Colin’s place for ballast, Elen and Warren so utterly relaxed with each other I could have wept, and the first drinks were slipping down just as the Woodruffs arrived.

“Hi, Enfys! Our stuff’s in the bunkhouse already, and we dropped your harp down. We’ve been on the Serengeti”

I looked across to Jordan, and he was almost sliding under the table with embarrassment. Steph being Steph, and her job being what it was, she noticed, pouncing on him with right hand outstretched for a shake.

“I recognise you! Tin tray man! Shrewsbury!”

Jordan was blushing like a stop light.

“Um, yes… Look, it’s the session, it gets you going, and I can’t play anything, but I thought if I just banged the rhythm, and the tray was there, and…”

Her grin changed to a softer smile.

“Trust me, we know all about that. You have a sense of rhythm, and there’s lots that don’t even have that”

Alys was snorting.

“What Jan said about bodhrans, Steph?”

“Absolutely! I’m Steph, my hubby Geoff”

“I’m Jordan. I’m, uh, gay”

He stopped dead.

“Why did I say that?”

Steph just shrugged.

“Does it matter why? Anyway, does it matter at all, given who you are out with? JIMMY!”

That evening went exactly as I had expected, with Lee almost fainting in his hero worship, which sent Jimmy’s accent even further from rational discourse, Tref pumping Neil for advice at every break in the music, and Steph not quite going as over the top as I knew full well she was capable of. We left the pub quite late, my harp spending the night in the storeroom and Colin leaving his parents to finish off for the evening so that he could join us, or rather Sali, in the bunkhouse. I was really gratified that the disparate groups, as well as the age range, had settled into a cheerful friendliness, and even more so when I saw the hand-holding, from Sali and Colin to both sets of parents.

Lee dropped back to walk beside Alys and myself, sounding slightly tipsy, but still in touch with reality.

“You are bloody jammy, Enfys! Pet pub landlord, pet musicians, pet bunkhouse owners. Got any pet pets?”

I shook my head.

“Wouldn’t be fair, all of us being out so much. I mean, Dad runs the bunkhouse, but even so, we all spend as much time on the hill as we can. Anyway, what about you? What have you got at home? Dog, cat, aardvark?”

“Na. Just me, Mam, one big sister, one bigger brother”

“Your Dad… sorry, love”

His mood settled downward.

“Ate. We all were. He was on the Tynemouth station. Bad blow, bad luck. Tell you about it some day…”

He took a couple pf slow breaths, then tried for ‘cheerful’.

“What’s the plan for tomorrow, then? Time to go out somewhere? I sort of packed my boots and rack”

“You not going back with the Prof?”

“Na. Weekend looks fine, so thought I’d get a bus back after, well, see how it goes, like. Your Dad; he mind if I cadge another night here?”

“Why not ask him? DAD?”

Lee ran through his idea, with some embarrassment, and I began to realise exactly how shy he really was, and how rubbish I had been at reading personalities. Dad was happy with the idea, so of course he shouted for the double act. Steph was as upbeat as ever.

“What’s your grade, Lee? And do you prefer a comfortable day, or a bit of a push?”

I couldn’t see his face that clearly, but from his posture, I guessed he was blushing.

“Whey, shall we see what the hangover’s like the morn?”

“Okay… Enfys? You out for this one?”

“If you’re offering. Where?”

She paused for a few seconds, then turned back to Lee.

“What grade are you comfy at, and what rock?”

“Um, I started out on sandstone, in Northumberland, and Whinstone. Done a lot on grit. Not done any slate. Best lead was a VS at Froggatt”

Even in the poor light, I could see Steph straighten up.

“Which one?”

“Sunset Crack”

“I love that one! Enfys?”

“That’s my name”

“And that’s Alys’s line, if I am not mistaken. You up for the Bus Stop, then maybe the Serengeti? Some old faves?”

I nodded.

“Suits me fine. Alys likes that area as well, what with the bird life. Transport?”

“Penny!”

Mam dropped back, and Steph outlined the plan, which set Mam laughing.

“Yes, I would come out, but haven’t you forgotten something else, such as who passed her driving test this Summer? Nansi! You put her on the insurance, then?”

Mrs Edwards laughingly called back, “Yes, but she’ll pay for her own petrol”

Steph turned back to Lee, Alys and myself.

“There you have it, then. Two cars to fit people into, and our van for the kit. That sound good? If you three can see how many of your friends fancy a day out, tomorrow is sorted”

We left Lee to do the ‘sorting’, as first Mr and Mrs Edwards peeled off for their home, and then four of us for mine. There was no question at all as to where Alys would be sleeping, even though all I had was a single bed. While she took her turn in the bathroom, I switched on my laptop. Armed with the search words ‘Wardle’, ‘RNLI’ and ‘Tynemouth, I found the story in seconds. It involved a small coasting ship that had lost power, the lifeboat that had gone out to help secure the crew, and a small explosion. Small, but more than big enough.

Once more, I was left counting our blessings.

CHAPTER 47
I settled into bed, Alys joining me there once she had done her teeth, and of course she picked up on my mood.

“What’s up?”

“I looked up Lee’s Dad”

“Oh. A bad one, then”

“Yes. Not now, all right?”

We settled under the duvet, Alys spooning me, and I gave her what I could manage, without sharing too many of the starker details.

“His Dad went in a bad way. I looked up… Sorry. Give me a minute”

There had been another incident that had bubbled up nastily in the search results, about a man trapped in a rising tide, but I dearly wanted to forget that one. I found some balance, finally.

“Problem with internet searches, love. You find other stuff, not all of it nice. His Dad went quickly, trying to do, no. Actually doing something worthwhile. Heroic, even”

I paused for a moment, then hugged her.

“Sort of a lesson for me, you know? Always, as a kid, always thought of heroes, thought they’d be like they are in the films. Chin like Dinas Mot, shoulders the width of whatever, stupid Bruce Willis joke as they do their thing. Not like that, is it? Just ordinary people who aren’t that ordinary”

She cuddled up to me, pulling me to her.

“Like Neil, you mean”

“Oh? Yes. Exactly that. He could have, I don’t know. He did what he had to do”

“He did what he thought was right, Enfys. I just wonder, sometimes… Is he ever going to be okay again? I watch him, when…”

She was suddenly laughing, her arm tightening on me as it lay across my chest.

“I really think Trefor calmed him down. Gave him a focus on something else, something he can feel he has control of. You know something?”

“What?”

“Spotted how nobody from my course came along for the club? Trust me, I’m working on them, but it’s going to be an uphill job”

“Obviously”

“Eh?”

“Well, mountaineers…”

“Sod!”

I tickled her, and stuff, and I almost managed to forget about the crewmate of Lee’s Dad, who had drowned as the tide rose and his foot had remained jammed in the rocks he had stood on to try and refloat a small boat.

Count your blessings, girl.

Morning came at its usual time, far too early, and I pulled on my antique pair of Ron Fawcett climbing trousers (ta, Mam) and sorted some lunch for the day, or rather packed what Mam had already prepared. I had a lot to live up to, a fact I had understood many years before.

Alys drove, Steph beside her, while Dad and Geoff drove the other two vehicles and, to my surprise, Neil handed Tref a spare lid and took him as a pillion. Even more to my surprise, there was a solid turn-out from our school friends, represented by Colin and Sali, Warren and Elen, and all four of them had come in ‘outdoor’ clothing.

We started at the Bus Stop, with a mixed bag of successes on Equinox, followed by a more uniform set of failures on Solstice. That didn’t surprise me, because that reach up the crux flake was always a bastard, but both routes were short enough to allow people to be lowered off laughing without frightening them too much. Elem was the one who cornered me after my lead of Equinox.

“How do you do that, Enfys?”

“Do what?”

“Stick your leg out level with your shoulder? And don’t you dare say anything involving ‘I just…’, okay?”

I shook my head, laughing.

“It’s just the way I am!”

That, really, summed up the day. People who had no experience of climbing having a go, those with a little being pushed, not too hard, and then we ended up out at the Serengeti. Steph was in her serious mood just then.

“Lee?”

“Aye?”

“How would you like to lead an HVS?”

“Oh, no bloody way! Only ever managed grit VS, aye?”

“Well… Here’s the plan. Enfys leads me, you follow right behind, with Geoff as second. You get to see each gear placement as I remove it, as well as the sequency bits. To be honest, it’s just that bit past the overlap; bit narrow-track there. Need your hands wide apart”

Lee was still looking a little lost, so Steph grinned at him.

“If it all goes to ratshit, I can just drop you a toprope”

There was a moment, just then, when I saw directly into Lee’s soul.

“You think I can’t do it?”

Steph shook her head.

“Not at all. We are just offering you a chance to realise you can”

That bit where it overlaps is far more awkward than it should be, a funny foot-shuffle while standing on the absolute tips of one’s toes. I led straight through, more on momentum than technique, stitching the long crack with runners I had borrowed from Steph, including some amazingly small Friends. I actually found the head-game of runner placement overriding the nerve game of ‘THIS IS HVS!’, and as the crack is constant from bottom to top, there was never a moment where I needed to worry about finding somewhere to fit the gear. Steph’s ‘key ring’ system worked and, to be honest, my main worry was that she would look upon my amateurish efforts at protection and tut. I was astonished when I looked up from setting an HB brassy with a sharp downward tug, only to find I was at the broken section just below the exit slot. Extender on, two quick moves, and walk away from the edge until I could turn safely to pull some slack up. Out with the big slings, three anchors, and set a couple of clove hitches before finding a seat where I could look down the crag.

“ON BELAY!”

Steph’s voice came up loudly.

“OKAY!”

I knew it wouldn’t be a quick process, as she had to sort Lee out, and then had a little moment of worry. I had all her bits, or at least all those that were of any use on the crag.

“What you got left, Enfys?”

I nearly fell off in shock. Geoff clearly saw, for he laughed out loud.

“I let you get your belay set up first, girl! If you can let me have the spare gear, I’ll drop back down the descent and pass it to Lee. Stick it all on this four-footer for me… Ta!. How did you find leading that?”

“Odd. I mean, at the sharp end, on a slate HVS, and all I could think about---not being nasty, aye? Just ‘What will Steph say about this runner?’ and that”

He was nodding.

“Displacement thing, that. Hairy says it was something the other way round for her, before, when she was, you know. Not being herself. She could forget about her life because she was concentrating on not having a terminal Steph-ground interface. Remember that story about Right Route at the Roaches? Runner lifting out?”

I grinned at him, getting one back in return.

“I’ll pop down and tie on, then Steph will follow you so the lad can see how it’s done. I was looking at his face, love: I think you scored some serious brownie points there. Nice style; very economical”

He slithered down the loose track, and three minutes later, I got the start of the ritual from Steph.

Take in.
That’s me.
Climb when ready.
Climbing.

I had to remind myself several times that she wasn’t dawdling but doing two jobs at once, and when she topped out, she walked straight past me, waving a hand at my belay.

“Stay tied on, Enfys”, she whispered, “He’s wobbling a little; might need that toprope”

She posted herself to one side of the exit notch, and looked down the slab.

“Doing well, mate! See the break here, about six feet above your top hand? Loads of jugs there. Just two or three of the delicate moves left, then you can thug it. One more runner will do you… that Rock 2 is perfect. Extend it… yes, flip the gate over. Perfect. Trust your feet and step up. See the jugs? Bucket handles, more like! Shuffle round, Enfys!”

Lee appeared in the opening, his breath going ‘Foo! Foo!’ through his pursed lips, and then he was sprawled over one of the slate blocks I was tied to.

“Fuck me, that’s committing! No way could I have done that on-sight! Enfys, shit, the Prof, he wasn’t joking about you”

Suddenly, he was hugging me, then Steph.

“Never, bloody NEVER, did I think I could do that!”

Steph laughed, squeezing him back.

“You haven’t done it yet, Lee! I have a husband for you to collect”

She quickly inspected my slings, and gave a satisfied nod.

“Lee?”

“Aye?”

“Mind just tying on to this one’s gear, just to save time?”

“No problem”

We did a rapid hand-over, Steph double checking every karabiner and knot before she was satisfied, then grinned once more at Lee.

“Levitate my husband for me, lad!”

She turned away sharply, and I was surprised to see a hint of a blush. The calls ran their usual sequence once more, Geoff eventually arrived, and then Lee had the job of toproping Neil and Tref, all of the others making a number of rude comments that included the famous Tobruk comment about “A game of soldiers”. We gathered at the bottom as a group, though, especially as both Neil and Tref had backpacked the usual collection of Thermos flasks that Steph always seemed to have with her on the hill. She was musing.

“Lovely slab, this, and it is a really good example of how perspective shifts. See that line over there, Enfys? Just to the left of our route?”

“Yes… finish to the right? Cut across to Seamstress?”

She nodded.

“Lee? See how the sequence works as you start the traverse?”

“Aye, I think so”

“Congratulations. You’ve just worked out how to do an E4. There’s an E7 to the right there, but it will probably just look like a blank wall to you now. That’s what I meant about perception, perspective. You wouldn’t be able to climb that on sight right now, but you can see how it goes”

Lee was nodding.

“See further than you can reach. Aye. What’s that one called?”

“Stack of nudebooks meets the stickman”

It was Colin who disgraced himself by snorting up half his tea, and Steph shrugged.

“Some really, really odd names for routes around here, loads of them rude. That one? The Stick Man was a nickname for one of the lads who put the route up, and they found a pile of, er, recreational left-handed reading material under a slate block at the start”

I looked quickly towards my lover, knowing full well what that might mean to her and Neil, but she was laughing along with the others, apparently unconcerned. Steph waited until they had settled before standing and gesturing at the crag.

“Want to see where the E7 goes?”

We ambled over to the right side of the main face, and she waved vaguely at an utterly blank sweep of purple-grey slate.

“Up there”

Lee just turned away, shaking his head, and my schoolfriends simply said a number of things that implied complete disbelief. Little Tryfan it most definitely wasn’t.

There was a little tap on my head, and Steph swore, politely, if that was possible. Rain. We crunched our way back through the quarry to the transport, and as we went, I managed to get Steph a little way apart from the others.

“What was that about at the top, Steph?”

“What was what about?”

“Tell me to mind my own business if you want, but you were blushing”

That comment brought a full-on crimson face, but she was giggling, so I felt safe to push it a little.

“And?”

“Something I nearly said to Lee. He did really well, by the way”

“I know. Subject is not changing”

“Well… I nearly said one thing, and that would have made me nearly say another thing”

“That doesn’t really make sense”

“When I said ‘Levitate my husband’, what I nearly said was ‘Get Geoff up’, but I caught myself in time”

“Ah. And? The other thing, that you nearly nearly said?”

“That it was my job to do that”

I felt my mouth drop open.

“Steph Woodruff!”

She was chuckling.

“Not the thing to say to a teenage lad, is it? And that’s the thing, what we were saying about perspective. I used to come out here to take risks. That was… A few times I came really close. That was then, though. Things change, and he’s walking there taking the piss out of Trefor and Neil. Lifesaver”

She paused, then grinned at me.

“Married woman, now, me. Healthy married woman with healthy appetites, and several of them will be satisfied tonight”

“You have no shame!”

“And you have a dirty mind. I was talking about curry and beer”

A deliberate pause.

“I’ll save the shag for afterwards, of course “

CHAPTER 48
We were back to the grind of our studies after that, of course, and I found it a particular variety of ‘interesting’ the way my attitude to them was changing. In climbing guides, ‘interesting’ is often a euphemism for ‘terrifying’, but this was the more commonly understood meaning.

The first few days at Bangor had been exciting, everything being new and engrossing. The first lectures and tutorials had reinforced that mood, as a wealth of new fields of study had opened up and… now it was more of a chore. I had imagined an endless round of physical activities, but so much of it was in the classroom. My interest was still there, but I found myself having to work hard on such things as time management and focus. I might find, for example, that Subject A was more interesting than Subject B, but both were necessary for my final success, and so I had to fight the temptation to put all of my efforts into the area I found interesting in the common sense, because if I didn’t, that other meaning of the word would take over. Mam was the one who put me straight in the end, with advice about pacing, scheduling and all sorts of stuff about organised task lists.

It took a while, but I got there. Alys didn’t seem to be in the same boat, but that was Alys—always far more cerebral than me. Her work in the hills had always been systematic, such as her use of that metre square plant-counting thing, whereas while my own focus could be just as narrow, it shifted from hold to hold as I moved.

It took until after the Christmas holidays before I finally settled into a routine, and if it hadn’t been for the support I got from Alys and our families, I might have walked away. There was one thing, though, that held me there, and that was the way I realised some of my fellow students needed me.

Trefor had been the first, then Lee, and for some odd reason, I seemed to fall into the role of Agony Aunt. Alys, as ever, saw things far more clearly than I did.

“I think they see you as safe, love. I don’t think there are any other girls like you in the class, so the boys see you as ‘safe’, and Tref wouldn’t be interested anyway. Safe to talk to, no assumptions to be made”

She laughed, suddenly.

“And I think that they worry that if they stepped over the mark, Jordan, Tref or Lee would gut them!”

That remark shocked me.

“Really? Why?”

We were sitting on her sofa, waiting for the rest of our families to arrive for a joint meal, as her Mam did something technical in the kitchen. She pulled me into a tighter cuddle.

“So blind at times, you are. .Jordan because of all sorts of stuff, but mainly because we took him out and let him say who he is for the first time. We introduced Tref to Neil, of course. Lee because… Because you took him over a roadblock in his climbing. That bit with Steph’n’Geoff, looking at climbs harder than he could do, letting him see how they could be done. You all made a big impression there”

She sighed, and kissed me on top of my head.

“I suspect, with that bit about his Dad, he has a need for someone to look up to. You know what?”

“What?”

“I think this fits in with your course. Not just coaching someone, but that bit you showed me, about outdoor activity as therapy? I suspect that’s where Lee might be. Sorry love”

“Sorry for what?”

“Gives you a load you have to live up to”

Suddenly, she giggled.

“How does it go? You can say ‘arsebollocks’ now if you want”

“Arsebollocks, then! Now, there’s something else going on. I know when you are moving and shaking. What are you up to?”

“Ah, after Christmas it is. And it involves the two lads. There are a couple of shared houses coming up in the New Year, according to the student housing office, and I fancy a bit of independence, I do. We spoke about this before. For me, it’s a double whammy—I get to live somewhere that isn’t full of people who know my history. Just another woman student doing her best to balance learning and liver destruction”

She was teasing, as she had never shown any inclination for getting drunk, or at least not that drunk, taking Tenerife into account. I suppose her need to remain in control, not getting ‘read’ by strangers, lay behind some of that, but then again she was in so many ways an observer. She led conversations by sitting and listening, then sliding a bon mot in, rather than declaiming loudly. Once again, so unlike the boys we had been at school with.

“Alys?”

“That’s my name”

“You talked this over with your parents?”

“I have. I thought, you know, we had already discussed it, the two of us…”

“Yup. We did. That means, if you spoke to yours, then mine will most definitely know. Where are these places, then?”

Deal done. Mam just grinned when I cornered her at home, in the kitchen, where she had just brewed up.

“You didn’t think it was going to be Mam Taxi forever, did you? Dad has been planning this for a while. Have you considered where rent money is to come from?”

That was a moment I felt how utterly immature I really was.

“Oh…”

Mam continued, almost seamlessly.

“Which is why we prepared for this, me and your Dad. We have been looking at the way things have changed over the years. When we were young—don’t you look at me like that! We were, once!”

We laughed together, and she leant back against the sink.

“Tuition was free back then. Grants, as well. You know we sorted out your fees, yes?”

“Yes…”

“Well, we also went all posh as well. You, love… You are all we have, yes? Well, we set up a fund, one of those tax-free savings things. Been adding to it, and, well, this is the hard bit for you. You will be working the holidays from now on, in the bunkhouse”

“I know, Mam. I already do that”

“Yes, but from now on its not family stuff. We will be employing you, formally, wages and all. Your mission, should you choose to accept it--- hang on, do you know that one? Anyway, you need to make sure that whatever you do for your gap year, placement, whatever they call it, is a paying job”

She took a sip of her tea, then grinned.

“Which is why we have already collared Vernon at the Brenin, and sorted that bit. Not stupid, your parents”

We ended up in a hug, of course, and she continued her sort of interrogation.

“House share, yes? Any candidates?”

“Ah. Places Alys found, they’re three-beds. She’s already got the other two rooms sorted, couple of lads on my course. You met them at the cow, yeah? Trefor and Lee”

“The climber, and the lad Neil cornered? Yes. I remember. Enfys… can I just say you’ve done us proud, choosing someone like… Choosing Alys to love. I can’t think of a better choice2

“No choice, Mam. Just, well, how could I not?”

“Fair point, fairly made. Now. What we need to do is see how the rent agreement works, wherever you end up. I have some friends in the Uni legal office, and they can have a look at it, see if there are any obvious nasties. Proud of you, love. Sorts out one big problem for me and Dad, of course”

“Such as?”

She put on an arch look.

“Who to sponge off in our dotage, of course”

Alys, Trefor, Lee and I moved into the house in the Spring term. I will gloss over the shock of having to sort everything from electricity bills to food runs, and pointedly ignore the subject of housework rosters. In the end, we found a sort of armed truce, but Tref still took a long time to understand that if he wanted to eat porridge every morning, he needed to ensure the milk supply was topped up.

In the end, though, it was me and Alys, and we were together, which was all that mattered.

CHAPTER 49
It was indeed a learning process, which sounds redundant when talking about being a student, but there are far more things involved in learning than tick-box exams for tightly-defined subjects. It wasn’t just Tref’s porridge milk; both he and Lee needed a little housebreaking, initially in the concept of washing up and then the revelation that homes didn’t come with such things as a Magic Toilet Roll Replenishment Fairy. I will not mention toilet seats.

A housewarming party left a surprisingly large quantity of litter for a thankfully small amount of damage, but none of us were really traditional students in the ‘party on’ manner, so that was one fewer thing to worry about.

The course grew more and more absorbing, and when we started to touch on that ‘mental health’ business, I found myself seeing so much of Mam in the techniques, above all ‘active’ listening and the odd trick of avoiding agreeing with someone while not letting them notice. Alys, for her part, was really hitting the books each evening, and an outsider might have thought the four of us all hated one another, because we spent so much time in our own silent space. Silent, that is, apart from the music playing through our headphones.

We were doing a lot of water-based activities when the wind was right, and Neil’s wetsuit was a godsend for the canoeing and sailing. I learned early on that a vacuum flask of hot coffee or soup was a real pleasure, almost a necessity, because one of the most important things to learn in canoeing is that when you tip over, it is far better to be able to tip back up, rather than dropping out of the thing and swimming it to the bank.

I was also learning to ski, and I think my backside might forgive me some day, but it won’t be soon. I took some time to realise that if I stayed upright when going downhill, the skis went that way quicker than my body. Artificial slopes are painful.

The serious learning took that session with Mr Lewis, where he had stressed the needs of other, weaker climbers, and took it far further. We did sessions on the climbing wall to build up strength and personal technique, but out on the real stuff, which was mostly traditional rock rather than slate, we effectively worked our way through that pair of Bill March books. Ricky, the Brummy lad, summed it up one day.

“Hey, you lot? Remember those things the yachties do? Like a display thing of all sorts of different knots? That’s us, that is!”

I saw exactly what he meant. Knots: fisherman’s, double fisherman’s, figure of eight, prusik (four kinds), bowline, bowline on a bight, double bowline, tape, lark’s foot… Hitches: clove, Italian, Munter…

That last one set all the lads chuckling, so of course, stupid me had to ask why. Lee slipped an arm over my shoulders after he had explained.

“I have a book I will lend you. Comes from up my way”

“Not that Geordie dictionary you showed me?”

“No. This one’s a lot bigger”

It turned out to be a huge extended joke about swearing, and was called ‘The Profanisaurus’. I will say no more about that.

The sessions on real rock could best be summed up as ‘rope and casualty management’. Our instructors weren’t just showing us how to do things right, but what to do if and when said things went wrong. They even had some commercial feature films for us to watch, as a panel of critics. That was fun’; they weren’t like those Dad had shown that evening, with Pete Livesey and the rest, but feature films with big name actors in them. Roger Moore, Stallone, Eastwood, plus a few lesser luminaries, or at least actors on rather lower pay rates, grunted and sort-of-climbed while we sat and noted everything they did that was wrong. When Moore put a Friend into a crack for no discernible reason, Ricky had to strangle his words.

“What the fu… What the hell is he doing with THAT?”

Matt grinned.

“Note it down, lad! Note it down”

We only saw the relevant parts of the films, as Matt happily pointed out that the plots tended to be more than a little simplistic. Lee’s was the next outburst.

“Bloody hell, that’s Agag’s Groove on the Big Buchaille! They’re on a real climb, there”

Matt confirmed the fact, then paused the video.

“Major faux pas here. More than one. Starters for ten? Lee?”

“They’re standing all over the rope. They’ll shred it”

“Indeed. Enfys? Anything else?”

“Um… Yes Is that second actually belayed? She’s not got the rope. Oh, and the leader? He’s just got one anchor”

Matt picked up the remote control.

“Shall we find out?”

I actually felt my stomach lurch at the fall that followed, and then the class went completely to town on the abseiling technique. There was then a clip of some more abseiling, before Matt stopped the film.

“Right, that one has a lot of meat, so I will do a little dissection. Has anyone spotted the impossible bit in the first clip?”

Lee laughed.

“Rather than the stupid bits?”

“I will give you that one. Kerry? You got your hand up first, I think”

“Impossible bit, yes. The leader was on a single anchor, using an indirect belay. He was part of the system. How did he get out of it to abseil?”

“Exactly! Two really important lessons there. More than one anchor is absolutely essential. If one fails, you still have the others. We will be showing you techniques for anchor management, so that it isn’t just one rope clipped into several krabs. It is also good technique, especially when acting as an instructor, to be able to get out of the system. A direct belay is your friend, along with those prusiks or something like an ascendeur—Jumar, shunt, that sort of thing. Now, has anyone any thoughts about where the abseiler ended up?”

Trefor had his hand up.

“He’s below the casualties, he’s on a single rope, I can’t see anything like a Shunt. How’s he going to climb back up to rescue them? And how’s he going to get back to his high point unless he solos it?”

Matt laughed again.

“I think you’ve shredded that one almost as badly as they did the rope. Next one…”

We finished with some buts from a real film of the Eiger Nordwand, and Matt turned a lot more serious.

“This part tends to be painful to watch. They do nothing here, but it was what happened to the first to climb this part of the route that hurts. Now, that polished slab is called the Hinterstoisser Traverse, and what you see here is how it was originally done. Climb up, fix a high anchor, then it’s a pendulum. All clear with that?”

A murmur of agreement, and he advanced the video.

“Now, see this side. There is nowhere to climb up to fix a high anchor, at least not feasible in mixed rock and ice and big boots. The original party got a lot further than that, then had accidents, and had to retreat. They hadn’t left a rope in place for the return pendulum, and they couldn’t climb it. Unsurprisingly, as you can see. They ended up having to abseil multiple times down the face”

Trefor had his hand up once more.

“Did they get down, Matt?”

“No. Last one died twenty feet from rescue. He was called Tony Kurz, and he was only twenty three. That has haunted me since I first read about it, but it is a really vital lesson: don’t go anywhere that you can’t get out of. Same as that belay in the Agag’s Groove one. Options are your friends; keep them open”

It was the first real and official nod to the risks inherent in my sport, and it left wounds. I found myself thinking of that crewmember, foot jammed in the rocks.

I took a long while to get to sleep that night.

As the weather improved, or at least as the rain got warmer, many of our outdoor sessions were devoted to navigation, and not of the kind that involved GPS. The instructors were insistent that we practised with map and compass, as “They don’t need batteries!”, and more than a few times we were deliberately taken up through the cloud base into thick, wet fog, where we practised things like square searches. Apparently, when done in better conditions, students were prone to cheating. How astonishing!

It was absorbing, interesting, and so often fun. I was actually surprised by the arrival of the Easter holidays, when our lives went weird. I was obviously down for working in the bunkhouse, and our landlord was still taking rent, so we still had the place. Trefor wasn’t going home for the break as he was very clear on not wanting to be “stuffed back into the closet. Lee was away home, though, and Alys and I could have done the same, but, un shirt, we were happy where we were. I don’t mean that the house was some palace of wonder, but that we were together, as we needed to be, in our own place.

Each of us had our own licence now, even if mine was a for a bike rather than a car—how else could that be, knowing my family? No way would Dad let me do any serious riding without a full licence, and he had surprised me with a bike to go with it, but made sure it worked.

Each morning, then, I would leave my lover in bed and crank up my Honda to ride home, as I still thought of it, do some housekeeping and light maintenance, and then ride straight past that home to my other one.

I may just have dropped in for dinner now and again, but that was purely manners. Purely.

We did stay over some nights, Alys and myself, because my harp would have pined. I had always loved my time down the Cow, but it wasn’t as much fun that year, as Steph-n-Geoff were on a year’s career break, the lucky sods. She had tried not to gloat when she revealed their plans.

“Sarah’s suggestion, sort of”

“Whose?”

“Friend of ours. Does birdwatching as well”

Alys sat up straighter.

“Tell all, then!”

Geoff put on his nonchalant, mock-whistling pose, the one that meant “Blame Steph, not me” as that one grinned.

“Career break thingy. We have a leave banking system, where we can store up leave for a specific purpose. This is it: we are off to Oz and En Zed”

Alys opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, before settling on a muttered “Lucky sods”, followed by a grin.

“Got the guides? I have, and they are HUGE!”

They settled into discussing bird types, while Geoff and I discussed the overall plan.

“I’m really looking forward to it, Enfys. Four months in each, and we’ll finish the New Zealand bit in their Alps, do some proper snow and ice routes. I might let her watch a few birds. You know, as long as my tea is there on time”

That, of course, triggered one of their mock fights, which never fooled anyone, mainly because neither one could stop grinning. ‘Lucky people’, I thought, and then, as Alys squeezed my hand, ‘that’s four of us lucky, then’.

I found myself thinking of them again when I was down the Cow for the folk night. The older woman, Pat, was there, along with her taller friend, and quite a group of young women and girls and yes, I could clearly see which bus they were on. It was the same odd mixture of cockiness and fear, and the dynamics were suddenly clear to me.

It was some sort of fostering group, the two older women the carers, and while their charges were all the same, some of them were obviously on their first steps out of that closet Tref had spoken of. Smile at Alys, don’t frighten the nestlings, and enjoy the music.

The next surprise was at the bar, where Illtyd collared me.

“Quiet word, love, about that one with the girls”

“Ah?”

“She’s been asking about our red-haired friend. I don’t think she speaks anything but English, but still going to be careful. I think she knew her in her previous identity, if you see what I mean. Owen remembers. HE used to be a regular here for the folk nights, and always pissed, always miserable”

“Doesn’t sound like her”

“Well, she wasn’t herself then, was she?”

“Fair point. What did you tell her?”

“Ah, was the new lad. Made up some bollocks about people coming over and over again, then disappearing. Shut her up, anyway. You might want to let the girl know”

CHAPTER 50
I didn’t know what to do. Steph’n’Geoff were such a part of my life, and Steph so utterly right in herself, in her femininity, that I found it hard to imagine, to recognise, that she had ever been any other way. I could remember Alys, of course, before she was ever visible; when my mind whispered “Before there was an Alys”, it immediately gave itself the answer “There always was an Alys, just hidden”, and I wondered what Steph had shown the world before she shook herself free of it.

I walked back to my lover, settled against her, whispering a quick warning, and she simply squeezed my knee, whispering in turn, “talk later”.

We got through the evening, as I tried my best not to stare at the woman asking the questions. What was her issue? Later, as we lay in bed, Alys wrapped around me, she spoke to the top of my head.

“I think I know, or at least, well, what Steph’s told me”

There were a few moments of silence, and then she started again, as if changing the subject.

“Do you remember me saying to you not to drop me? That I would break?”

“Oh god yes. Do you think I would do that?”

Once more, she kissed the top of my head.

“Not a chance, love. I know you…”

Her breath caught, and yet again, that fresh start.

“I do know you, now, and you are everything I hoped you would be, and you never… You have never, ever, disappointed me, and I KNOW you never will. I have you, and I know that isn’t true for most girls like me. I wonder about those girls that woman brings to the Cow, and if she does the same for them. I really think Steph spoke to me about her, you know?”

“Really?”

“Yes. It was before Geoff, she said. It was…”

She twisted herself in the bed, as if seeking a more comfortable position, then pulled me closer again.

“What I said to you about me, and my parents, that wasn’t how it was for her. She was on her own, she says, and she was lost, and it was all self-harm and that until she met Sally, her shrink. Then it was a bit better, and then she met Geoff, and it was sorted, and so on. But before all that”

A tight squeeze.

“Before all that, she was like me before Mam and Dad finally listened. She was lost”

I tried to lighten things, to make a joke.

“I thought you’d say stuff about me, love”

Once more, a wriggle as she cuddled even closer.

“Oh, love, you are, you are the confirmation, you are life to me, but Mam and Dad, they were life savers. Once they let me see I had a chance, aye? You, you are my all, but without them I would never have been here to love you. To BE loved, by you. Steph, she never had that. The things she told me… she used to come up here, cycling from Betws to Gwern y Gof Isaf, camp, then do silly things”

Another catch in her voice.

“Self-destructive things, love. Silly climbing. Looking to fall off. Getting very drunk all the time, like Annie used to”

“Drunk? Those two? I mean, I know they get merry, but not falling down!”

She wriggled closer to me.

“Not how Annie or Ginny tell it. Annie says she was often very close to wetting her bed, she got that drunk”

“Hell!”

“Welcome to our world, my love. I know you were already there, but you get my point. Anyway, that other woman, Pat, she’s been a fixture for years, according to Dil. Back in the days of the old landlord, when we were both little. Owen Madoc, he was. Steph tells me that one night she had hitched down to Bethesda, with her fiddle. Played a floor spot, going to walk back, absolutely stinking drunk, and there was snow on the ground. Don’t need to spell that one out, do I?”

I shuddered. More than seven miles, uphill, in snow, well after midnight, steaming drunk: she’d have been risking hypothermia and death.

“What happened?”

“She thinks it was Mr Madoc, sorted her a lift. From what she remembers, I think it was that woman with the girls. Steph was very, very clear; thinks they saved her life. Got her thinking about her future, it did. The rest, well, she was still healing when she met Geoff. Real near miss”

She paused for a few seconds.

“Do you think we should tell the woman, Enfys? I mean, we need to let Steph know, so she can choose… I think I’ve just answered my own question”

I kissed her cheek.

“It’s nice when you let me see your thoughts working, love”

That made her smile, and then she had other thoughts, and I shared them, and for a while I forgot all about other people. We sent the Woodruffs an e-mail the next morning.

Our University work continued to gather pace and complexity, but I started to feel a little left out. With Trefor and Lee, I could share thoughts on our lectures, compare approaches to assignments and so on, whereas with Alys I was lost. It wasn’t a nastiness, or a wall between us, but simply an almost complete lack of any meaningful crossover between our two courses. Now and again, we would welcome two or three of her fellows so that they could work together on some project or other. Apart from that, and the unavoidable stress that any degree course imposes, I was content. We were content.

That stress was a constant in my course. The academic side was really stretching me, and I found myself drifting away every so often at the weirdest times, such as shopping for food, where I would suddenly see the person in front of me dissolve into a collection of muscles, tendons and joints. It nearly turned me vegetarian—but not quite.

The other big stress factor was when water entered into things, and not just as rain. Lee had joined the canoe polo club, while I restricted my own engagement to the full-sized things, finally perfecting the ‘Eskimo roll’ self-righting technique, something both lads seemed to do without thinking, as well as being able to work with others to sail a small yacht. I found it much harder getting anywhere near competent in a Laser dinghy, and had to get used to our various instructors shouting occasionally comprehensible, and sometimes but not always helpful, advice across the water.

The climbing activities were a different kind of challenge. Depending on weather, the Climbing Club would go out to a range of crags, and I started to push my ‘sports’ climbing on bolted routes on limestone and slate, but I always felt they were really cheating. Nevertheless, I was operating at a consistent 6b by the end of my first year.

The formal part was utterly different; they expected, required, a particular level of competence, but nowhere near as (literally) extreme as my own. What they did hammer away at was the stuff Matt had shown us in the film session: safety, both of oneself and any ‘client’, and what to do when things went wrong.

That last was utterly fascinating to me, and at Matt’s very, very heavily hinting advice, I volunteered for the Ogwen Valley Mountain Rescue. He had been quite direct in our end-of-year discussion.

“Enfys, you are climbing as well as anyone on the course, and better than most. You’ve got the Summer ahead, grockle season. No way are you competent enough to do a season as a lifeguard, but you have a real eye for safe anchors”

He snorted at that one, then grinned.

“Rock ones, that is! What you do in water… Micky Shortland said you needed reminding that boats go up and down with the tide”

“I’m a climber, Matt”

“You are that, and becoming a bloody good one, and a safe one at that. Your skiing’s coming along well, your swimming’s excellent, canoeing and paddle-boarding are going well. It is just your dinghy sailing that really needs work”

“I know. It’s… I think it’s because I’m removed from the boat, Matt”

“Bit difficult sailing sat somewhere else!”

“Not want I meant. It’s, well, in a canoe, or on a paddleboard, it’s mostly me steering, bodyweight and stuff. I can follow instructions on a bigger boat, but in the Lasers, well, ropes, judging what the wind’s doing. Like the windsurfing, sailboarding stuff. I can run with the wind, because I’m sort of hanging directly off it. Changing direction, well, I fall off”

He was nodding emphatically.

“Part of my advice for the Summer, Enfys. If you are going to do any form of sailing, I want it to be with tuition. If you are going to attempt drowning yourself, do it in term time so that we can take photos and laugh”

He couldn’t hold back his grin, so I took his comments as I thought they were meant. We shook hands as I rose to head home, and he held mine a little longer.

“Last thing, Ms Hiatt: this Christmas break. Cairngorms?”

He meant the out-of-term ‘optional’ winter course, which I had already run past my parents, so I simply nodded. He grinned back.

“We will look forward to making a real climber of you, then! Have a good Summer!”

My Honda was back home, now, and Dad had already cleared our stuff from the shared house, so once we had said farewell to the boys, Alys and I settled outside Mam’s office for the run home. I made sure I dropped in at Glan Dena to offer my services, which brought a grin from Clive, the MRT leader, who simply pointed at the organisation chart on the wall.

“Already got your name on that. Love. Just need your mobile number and any commitments. Mat rang us weeks ago”

Cheeky tutor. I shrugged back at Clive.

“Commitments? Apart from August bank holiday weekend, I will just be working at our bunkhouse”

“Easy to find then!”

He turned serious.

“We do a couple or three exercises, love. Be nice to get you out on those, get the team to gel, aye? Just be nice if we don’t get any real callouts”

Ten days later, at nine in the evening, my mobile rang, and it was Clive.

“If you’re fit, we can be with you in twenty minutes. Casualty halfway down Tryfan East Face. Can’t get the chopper in close enough to put us there, so it’ll be an ab off the top. You go for this one?”

CHAPTER 51
It was still light, so close to the solstice, as I bundled everything into the Sea King, including the pre-prepared rucksacks. Word was coming back by way of a complicated mobile phone and radio daisy chain, and it did not sound promising. Clive was straight to the point when he gave us the briefing before boarding the helicopter.

“It’s one of those stupid ones. Someone decides to jump Adam and Eve, and their partner stands on the east side to watch. Casualty one misses his step, and we have a probable broken leg. Unfortunately, when he fell, he struck his other half, and she went over the East Face of Central. Looks like she went some way down First Pinnacle. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“This could be… This is very likely to be a fatality. I would like you to help with the rigging for the ab, sort the stretcher and stuff, and handle a safety line for Alan. Andy and Will can sort the first casualty. Alan, you shoot down to casualty two. Assess, stabilise if necessary. Rejig priorities if it’s what I am worried about. Questions?”

There were none, and we followed the kit in bundling ourselves into the aircraft, which tilted a long way as we roared off and up for Tryfan. On arrival, the pilot made a slow approach to allow other walkers to clear the summit, settled one wheel a little way north of there, and I then followed the lead of the older members as two of them half-jumped from the open door so that the rest of us could pass down the kit. Out and down, and there was ‘Casualty One’, another ‘civilian’ with him.

Concentrate now, girl, and leave those assigned to him to do their job. I quickly set up a number of anchors as Alan prepared to throw down his abseil line, then took him on a direct belay (thanks, Matt).

“Got me, love?”

“Yes, Al. When ready”

“Aye aye. ROPE BELOW!”

Off went the extra-long abseil rope, and he started to walk backwards over the edge to one side of Thompson’s Chimney, his pace slow and steady, far removed from the high-speed silliness beloved of films and television shows.

“Enfys?”

“Aye aye!”

“I can see the casualty. Priority likely to be number one, okay?”

“Okay!”

“Descending!”

“Okay”

My stomach was fluttering at that, as I understood exactly what he meant. I paid out the safety rope until his call came, “On belay!”, and turned to see Clive move well away from the man on the ground, holding his radio. I was already dreading the news, for I knew exactly how much line I had paid out for Alan. After a short and almost whispered conversation, Clive came over to me.

“Could you give the lads a hand securing Casualty One, love? I don’t want you around for the next bit. I think you’ve worked out why”

“How far down is she?”

“Foot of Yellow Slab. Head injuries… No. Let the others do the recovery, Enfys. You go with the first one to the hospital. You can write up the report for us; Andy knows the procedure. You really don’t need to see this on your first outing. Good anchors, by the way”

Foot of the Yellow Slab, he had said. That would be a fall of about seventy five or eighty metres, measured vertically. No. I did not want to see that.

The helicopter had waited over on Glyder Fach, so it was a matter of minutes before it was back with us. I had helped the others, under our doctor’s guidance, in securing Casualty One (don’t think about the other one, girl) to a lightweight combination backboard and stretcher, an inflatable cast securing his leg for the moment, and after a quick radio chat with the pilot—“Winch or load by hand?”—we had deposited the groaning man in the load bay, Andy and myself clambering in to sit beside him, and we were off to that helipad by the hospital, the same one I had been told would become all too familiar.

“Where’s Joyce?”

The casualty. Andy was gentle, soothing and completely lacking in any honesty.

“Rest of the team are with her, mate. Getting her secured, ready for getting off the hill. You need to relax; can’t be sure there’s no other injuries to go with your leg. Be at the hospital soon”

“Hurts”

“Be there soon, mate. Quicker by chopper, easier on the knees. Get you sorted, and the pilot can shoot back up”

More of the same, more answers that weren’t actually answers, and then the aircraft was settling onto the pad, turbines winding down. There was clearly no rush to get back for ‘Joyce’, and my heart sank with the engine note. Eighty metres.

There was a small crowd of nurses or porters waiting for us, and Casualty One was away and gone. To my surprise, one of the winch men shouted to us to strap in, the engines roaring into life.

“Radio shout, Andy—doc’s found a pulse!”

“Shit! We’re in—urp!”

What I had thought of as ‘abrupt’ when we had left the base was nothing compared to the next departure, and my stomach nearly came out of my mouth in complaint. Andy had passed me a spare headset, so that I could listen in on the chat, but it was confusing at first, until I managed to translate some of the jargon, and then they were telling me what I was supposed to be doing. Andy was crystal clear in that part.

“They’ve managed to get her onto a backboard, Enfys. There’s just enough clearance for the rotor blades where she is. Rory goes down on the winch, Dean manages it from here. See the safety straps there? We need to be secured to them, help bring the casualty onboard. Skipper says the wind’s getting up, so it could be a bit bouncy”

“The rest of the team?”

“Reverse FPR, or, more likely, traverse to one of the gullies and ab it. Apart from the doc, of course. Fraid you’ll be out late tonight, love”

He paused, then looked at me directly, face set.

“Clive wanted you away from this one, but no chance of that. She’s going to be in shit state after that fall, so my advice, for what it’s worth, is to settle yourself beforehand. Don’t work yourself up with worry. This… this is like making a thin move, a long way from a runner. You know you can do the move, and it’s a head game. This is the same, but this time it’s me who knows you can do this. Make your Dad proud, okay? We’re just coming up heather Terrace now, so deep breaths, and let’s do this”

The helicopter turned in a wide, sweeping movement, then tilted backward abruptly before settling onto an even keel. The man called Dean checked Rory’s harness as Andy slid back the hatch, side door thing, and then we were creeping slowly forward, occasionally rocking as we were caught by a gust. I followed their instructions and positioned myself to one side of the opening, a solid webbing strap securing me to a D-ring on the inside wall thing. The pilot’s voice was calm over my headphones, almost soporific in it’s lack of any discernible emotion.

“Coming up on casualty party. Taking station twenty metres above. Diver ready”

“Aye aye”

“Winchman ready”

“Aye aye”

“Step down please, Rory. Give him about fifteen metres, Dean, and I will move to port. Rory?”

The man on the rope was well below us now, but his voice was as calm as the pilot’s.

“Aye?”

“I will have about ten feet clearance on the blade tips. Lively in securing the casualty, please”

“Roger that”

“Rescue boys will present you the stretcher link as you descend and then hold the stretcher clear of the Pinnacle as long as you can. On the word, I will move to starboard. Once that shackle is clipped, we are gone. Getting too hairy to collect the doctor”

“Wilco. Dead slow. Winchman, another five metres. Stop. Pilot two metres to port. Stop. Winchman, two metres more… shit… bit further lads… Pilot, casualty secured. Ascend as necessary. Get me in please, Dean”

The Central Buttress started to slip both down and away from us as the pilot found some space to manoeuvre, and the winch whirred as Rory was brought up, one of our aluminium stretchers by his waist bearing someone whose head was between a couple of foam blocks, strapping everywhere. Find that calm place, Hiatt.

Rory turned slowly at the end of his cable, until the stretcher was next to the hatch, and then Dean, Andy and myself brought both of them on board. The hatch clanged shut, and as soon as we had attached the stretcher to the fixtures on the deck, we were descending at speed.

No. Don’t puke on the patient.

Once again, the pilot’s voice was anodyne.

“Doc’s talking to the hospital, giving details of analgesia administered and a summary of the major injuries. ETA at Ysbyty Gwynedd is now fifteen minutes. Crash team are in place with scissor lift for stretcher. Well done, all. I am buying the cakes”

Once again, we settled onto the helipad, and to my surprise, as the engines shut down, Dean kept the hatch closed.

“Wind’s getting up, love. We are risking some blade sailing, so we’ll wait until they’re still before they approach”

That was something I did understand about helicopters, and I waited as calmly as I could until the hatch was opened and a wheeled platform rose to receive the stretcher and its burden, the medics rushing them away. As I watched, a hand came down on my shoulder: Andy.

“Well done, Enfys. Not exactly the easiest introduction, but it could have been worse. Not that easy on the stomach, is it? Now, we need to hit the briefing room and do the reports”

I shook myself, trying to find a joke somewhere, but my heart wasn’t in it.

“What was that about cake?”

“Ah, Julian’s way of saying well done to Rory. That was a real, literal touch-and-go hoist. One chance to hook up, in that wind, that close to the rock. Pilot, Julian, was having real difficulties keeping on station, and Rory saved us all from having to go round again. It will have been Al who passed him the shackle, though. The rest were holding the stretcher up; that’s why we couldn’t collect the doc. Come on: tea to sup, cakes to eat, casualty reports and hopefully no witness statement to write”

He paused, then smiled again.

“No inquest this time, love. No Coroner. Fingers crossed, that is. Oh, and it’s you for the first round at the Cow when we come off on-call. Be there, or be sober!”

Alys was there for me that night, after both sets of parents welcomed me home. I didn’t give them details.

I couldn’t. I was still seeing the shape of the woman’s legs.

My lover simply held me until I managed to fool her that I was asleep. As soon as her own breathing settled down, I was finally able to weep.

CHAPTER 52
It was Dad who started the healing process, pulling out a whole collection of anecdotes and references.

“People do silly things, love. They do them everywhere; it’s just that when it’s in the hills, it can get serious. That’s the thing about it: something happens, no warning, and, well. I… Before your Mam and me got together, I used to spend a lot of time in Scotland, with your uncle Mike. We were called out…”

He shook his head.

“We were asked to help with one or… with a few recoveries. One was messy, enough said. Can’t watch folk being silly now without saying something, which usually gets a mouthful back. People don’t like being told”

He stared at the wall for a few seconds, before turning back to me.

“How are you? Really? No silliness, please, love”

I thought for a while, but in the end, there was only one answer I could offer him.

“I don’t know, Dad. It was so much… so soon, yes? I think I’ll be fine. Just might take a little time”

He squeezed me, which helped, as it always did, and I asked myself where I would be without him and Mam. That started me giggling, as it was a given that I wouldn’t ever have existed without them, which in turn led to my Dad asking what was funny, and after another hug, he settled back into our settee, smirking slightly.

“Years ago, love, one early Easter, there was a young man, just starting to get used to winter climbing kit. He had gone up onto the top of the Glyders by way of the Gribin, carrying crampons and an ice-climbing axe he had borrowed from his old sixth form college. Usual thing, the weather, mixed sleet and rain down at the valley, driving snow up at the top. He got to the exit onto the plateau, and there’s the tiniest of cornices just starting to form, so he cuts his way through, crampons on, feeling all mountaineerous as he does so. He’s well-equipped, got food and stuff, little stove just in case, proper cag and overtrousers---”

“Cagtrousers, Dad. Steph calls them cagtrousers”

“Okay… so he does the walk out by Glyder Fach to the Cantilever, comes back by way of Castell y Gwynt, and sits down by the snowman to eat his lunch”

“Snowman?”

“Yup. He wanted to be sure of his return route, so he stopped to build a snowman as a marker. Anyway. Off he goes back down the Gribin, crampons working well, feeling ten feet tall. By the time he’s down the Bochlwyd path, the snow has turned to rain, of course, but those crampons are biting just as well on the wet grass, so he keeps them on until he’s almost back at the Idwal path, where he starts to think he’ll look a bit of a tit walking across grass in them. So, he stops, sits down on a boulder, and takes them off. Two steps down the slope, and his feet slide straight away from him, and he turns an ankle. Has to walk all the way down to the car park, supporting himself on the axe, which is only a short one, technical climbing tool. Ends up looking like an even bigger tit”

I looked up at him from where we were cuddled together.

“I think I’ve heard that one before, Dad. Would you have been that young man, by any chance?”

He grinned.

“Might have been. Might not even have been a man. It is still a good story, and, to be honest, it’s far more typical of what the Rescue deals with than what you’ve just had. Now, are you sure you want to continue with the team?”

I gave that question a few minutes of hard thought, as Dad had turned absolutely serious when he asked it, but there was only one possible answer. I was a climber, always would be unless or until something changed that, and the Rescue would always be the ones to deal with that sort of event. I didn’t know if that woman, Joyce, would ever walk again, given the head injury and that catastrophic damage to her legs, but the only reason she was still breathing was the Rescue. It wasn’t my rescue, in the end, but it remained a debt I needed to pay, simply for being a climber.

“Yes, Dad. No real choice, have I?”

“No, love. And being you, I couldn’t see, didn’t expect, any other answer. Tea?”

I just nodded, and grinned. He knew me so, so well. There was no choice, really: I owed that debt, and my safety net would always be there. For once, the choice was as simple as possible: this was my home, my community. I had obligations.

That Summer continued in its usual way. Neil was up a couple of times, as soppy as ever. Alys and I moved into her bedroom as a default. I went on a number of callouts with the rescue, ranging from a couple who simply got lost on Y Garn, descending towards Nant Peris rather than the Kitchen (How, I asked myself. Can’t you read a compass?), to a man who got his knee well and truly jammed in the polished crack that starts pitch two of Milestone Direct.

That one, I could understand. That crack is a sod. He turned out to be reasonably experienced as a climber, taking his son up a route he had apparently soloed multiple times. That lad couldn’t stop giggling while we extracted his dad by way of a toprope haul. He gleefully reported that the man’s final bit of advice had been “Don’t get your knee stuck in here”.

In the down time, I swept floors and emptied bins, cleaned toilets and restocked toilet roll supplies, and came home each evening to people I loved, and that I knew loved me. There were Team nights out in the Cow, days off when Alys and I walked hand in hand well away from the tourist routes, in places like Cwm Cywion, where she waited while I worked out lines on the huge sweep of slabs there, and other times with the girls, once more at the Cow.

By girls, of course, I actually mean said girls and their men. Colin was as steady as ever, but it was a day in August that we got the big surprise. It was during one of the folk nights, no guest along, so just the usual mix of floor spots. I did my bit with my harp. Illtyd sang, Alys’ Dad played a few tunes, and Elen let us see her left hand.

I collared her in the ladies’ a little while after she had flashed the diamond, and she was absolutely direct in her answers.

“Yes, I know. Wasn’t really the nicest to him, was I? And so much of what he did, it could have been written off as creepy, if it hadn’t been for that time in Tenerife… Enfys?”

“That’s my name”

“He was never a stalker, was he?”

“Not as I saw it. Did you think that?”

She drew a deep breath, watching herself in the mirror.

“He is, was, really worried that he might have come across that way. I was wondering that when we were out there. I know you thought… When he was staring at the waiters, I had to think twice, but, you know? There’s ways that could have gone. He wasn’t saying ‘She isn’t looking my way because’, but ‘That’s why she isn’t looking my way’. Get it?”

I shook my head, utterly confused.

“No. I’m lost with that. Aren’t they the same thing?”

“Ah, not good with words, am I? Try again. They’re the same result, but from different angles. The first one is putting the blame on me, thinking I’m shallow, just watching men’s arses to lech after them”

I snorted out a laugh, needing to find a tissue to wipe my nose.

“You absolutely were leching, though!”

She grinned happily.

“Definitely was! Weren’t you? Oh, you know what I mean. No, in the first one, I meant that he could have been letting his ego take over: what has that waiter got that I haven’t? The second, though, that’s, what I mean is a different thing. It’s… It’s resignation, not indignation. Not jealousy, but regret. I talked to him about it”

“And what did he say?”

“Basically that. That he watched where my eyes went, accepted he stood no chance and decided to stick to being a good mate. That’s the thing, Enfys, that’s what sealed the deal on this ring. What he said, it wasn’t all romance, ah? He said he liked me, not just fancied me”

I must have looked puzzled once more, clearly having a slow day, for she stepped forward to take my hands, a much gentler smile on her face.

“Easy for you two, you and Alys. You’ve always liked each other.. I know it’s not easier, being you know…”

“Her being trans?”

A firm shake of her head.

“No. Not that. The two of you being gay is what I meant. No, look at Sali and Colin. Joined at the hip, they are. What it is, I know I look okay, but the boys, they’ve never got past that, never lifted their eyes from my tits to my face, and that’s Warren. He worked out where he stood with me, at the start, and then, when we went up that mountain, he was there not because I was, though he says he was glad I was there. No, was there because it was something he wanted to do, and it was a bonus doing it with people he liked. Took me a while to understand he wasn’t following my arse up, but walking beside a friend”

“He doesn’t fancy you, then? Physically?”

Elen blushed bright crimson.

“Um, I, well, there’s no doubt that he does, and we will leave it there”

Suddenly, she snorted out a laugh as messy as mine had been, and as she wiped her own face, she took a few deep breaths before explaining.

“What I said about Sali and Colin, Enfys. Joined at the hip. Just, in English, it could have been ‘joined at the chip’, yes?”

“That, girl, was dreadful, even for you!”

“I thank you! A girl does her best, and it is nice to be appreciated. None of what I said is for Warren, though”

“Course not”

We made our way past the crowd at the bar to where Warren was still being teased by half the pub. As I took my seat, I found myself looking at my own lover with all sorts of ideas bubbling up.

No doubts, though. Never a doubt.

CHAPTER 53
I spent a long while taking all of that apart, for while I had no doubts at all, Elen’s revelations had rippled that millpond of certainty.

In some ways, I suppose, our time living as a couple had raised a few issues. For starters, we didn’t always agree, whether it be on meal plans or which film we might choose for an evening out. My dreams as a girl had been pretty conventional, where a person of unspecified gender would arrive, white horses, happily ever after, et cetera, that gender clarifying in my mind as I moved from fairy stories to puberty.

Hindsight was crystal clear for me: I had watched all of the usual ‘princess’ films, with their relentlessly heterosexual depiction of what a relationship should be, and I had cheered on the various princes, like almost any other little girl, even though I had arrived after the typical cast had become slightly less pallid in their average complexion. I suppose it was a but like marzipan: I could cheer on the character getting the wedding cake while ignoring the fact that all of that splendid icing would have been laid over a surface of the horrible almond-based paste. I could appreciate the drinking of champagne in their banquets, despite never having tasted it.

There were set forms. Girl is really a princess, and is beautiful; man is most definitely a prince, usually with a short back and sides and wearing tight trousers for some reason, probably a grown-up thing. And princesses always wore long dresses that looked utterly silly. Living where I did, my little mind was forever wondering what they did when it rained.

Puberty clarified everything while simultaneously confusing the hell out of me. I realised that there would never be a prince in my life, and that I never wanted one, and then there was the corollary: why? Why did I see things so differently?

My parents were profoundly different to those of other children, something I only realised in my teens, when I started to pick up on their language. Welsh, at least the variety around Bethesda, is far from well-equipped for gender-neutral concepts. Every word is gendered, and there are only two, masculine and feminine. They got round it by using ‘nhw’ (they) with an auxiliary verb like ‘bod’, rather than inflect the verb-noun stems as in Latin. In my innocence, I put the frequent conflict between that plural pronoun and singular concepts as being down to my language being a foreign one for my parents, learned in later life. It was a long time before I worked out that they had simply been doing their best not to programme me with conventionality and conformity.

Ifor, of eternal distasteful memory, had been dead right about them when he had shouted “Gerlan hippies”. I had collared Mam about it one day, not that long after Alys had first appeared as herself, asking her directly why she did what she did with her words. As was usual, she had sat me down with a hot drink, snuggling up to me on the sofa.

“Long story, love, but I think you are ready for it. Old enough to understand”

“I know you spoke English before I was born, Mam”

“Not that at all. Well, not primarily. You saw that Alys has come back after the holidays. What do you think about them?”

“About HER, Mam. She says she’s really a girl”

“What do you think she is?”

“I don’t know, but isn’t it better to be nice to people?”

“Excellent answer, Enfys. You knew her before, when she was supposed to be a boy”

“Yes, but she was never a real boy. We could all see that”

“You mean she never fitted in with boys?”

“Well… She looked like one, but she was never, she didn’t… Mam?”

“Yes, love?”

“How awful that must have been for her!”

“That’s exactly it. That’s why her parents are helping her now. And it’s why Dad and me have done our best to let you tell us who you are, rather than us doing that telling. Alys and her parents have had a really hard time; this is the first time things have started to look better for them. Can you answer a question for me?”

“Of course”

“Are you a boy or a girl or something else?”

“Oh, Mam! Thought that was going to be a hard one! A girl, of course”

“How do you know? We have done our best not to tell you that answer, to let you tell us, as I just said. So how do you know?”

“I just know, Mam!”

“Yes. It’s the same with Alys, even though everyone kept telling her she was really a boy. That’s why Dad and me have tried so hard to give you the room to think”

“Mam?”

“Yes, love?”

“Would you have liked a boy better? You and Dad?”

“How could we know? We didn’t get one, as my daughter has just confirmed. But, well, a child is a child, and a child of ours would still be just that. So, probably, no. We wouldn’t. Anyway, we have you, so we’ll just have to make do”

She had waited a couple of seconds for my jaw to drop, before grinning and hugging me.

“And no, my love, we are not ‘making do’, me and Dad. Fancy doing some baking, daughter of ours?”

That was another aspect I found myself pondering in the weeks after Elen’s declaration of why she had taken so strongly, in the end, to Warren. The likes of Ifor had always shouted out about sex, about legs or arses or breasts, and from what little Alys had told us, the girls with Ifor had been the same. That cow whose main concern hadn’t been the imminent rape of my lover, but rather the cleanliness of Ifor’s penis for her own bit of fun afterwards.

No; Elen’s views about her fiancé were far clearer even than mine had been, even with her revelation about the size of his own male bit when he was being cooled down. It fitted in so well with that full story of Mam walking out on Dad rather than see his soul eroded, corroded in the toxic atmosphere of a shit workplace in a shitty town. Could Alys and I ever live up to that, to those standards?

The only answer I could really offer myself was a promise that I would do my level best, because that was what Alys deserved.

Once again, though, Summer was heading towards an end, Dad doing his best to play sneaky conspirator by ordering two Shrewsbury tickets without telling me, but as I had recognised the envelope when it had dropped through the letter box back in the Spring, I had already booked the train tickets for the two of us as far ahead as I had been able to manage, so when he had done the ‘abracadabra’ thing with the festival tickets, I simply showed him the print-out of the Trainline reservation e-mail. I mean: I had already told Matt where I was going! Mam almost collapsed onto the sofa, she was laughing so hard.

“Monster, Keith! We have produced a monster! Check her room for death rays and a Seekrit Bunker!”

“Ah, but Pinky”

Mam had snapped back in mock anger, “Brain!”

“Penny for them!”

“That’s thoughts, Keith, not brains! Why am I Pinky and not The Brain?”

“Doesn’t matter. Because this one thinks she’s been The Brain, mwahaha, and she hasn’t!”

He turned serious.

“Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“Those tickets refundable?”

“I think so. Why?”

“Because Nansi is lending Alys her car. You’ll be able to fit your harp in. Not so clever after all, dearest daughter ours!”

I had a lot to learn, it seemed.

In the end, the festival wasn’t quite itself, as we were missing two particular people, away on the other side of the world, which left an awful lot of festivalgoers we didn’t actually know coming up to ask us why we were without a certain ‘woman fiddler with red hair’, which got a little wearying after a while. At least I had one superb present from Dad, a little wheeled frame that he had made for me on which to trundle my harp around. We played in sessions with Annie, Jan and the rest of the crew, we threw ourselves into the ceilidhs as well as in the ‘mosh pit’, as Kelly called the standing space immediately in front of the stage, and my love and I made exactly that in our own little tent.

The festival was almost becoming routine, I thought several times but each time I did so, I would catch sight of Annie grinning at her husband, or Ginny swapping surreal banter with Shan, or simply the utter relaxation of Bill and Jan as they lay together on a rug one afternoon, and that deep contentment would swallow me whole. I knew who I was, I knew who I loved, and that was all that would ever matter.

Just a few more days, and we were back in our own little house with Tref and Lee, ready for Round Two of our studies. First, however, I needed to ask Tref about his black eye.

CHAPTER 54
Lee was the first to spot the bruising.

“What the hell, mate? Who did that, and don’t give me any shite about walking into a cupboard door!”

The bruise was clearly fading, yellowish around the edges, but still very evident. Tref was looking down at the top of our dining table, the wood grain clearly fascinating.

“Went to the wrong pub, didn’t I?”

Lee grunted.

“Where? I thought you knew Cardiff!”

“It was on Broad Street”

“Where the fuck’s Broad Street?”

“Birmingham”

Alys tugged at my arm, pointing to the kitchen.

“We need a quick word”

She shut the door behind us, then stood, arms folded and her head cocked a little to one side.

“I did suspect, you know”

“Suspect what?”

“Sometimes… I even dropped a hint, you know? About Tref not being a concern, sharing a house? For God’s sake, Enfys! Him and Jordan? You not notice?”

I felt myself slump back against the fridge.

“Shit! Really?”

“Really! Sometimes, love, your focus, yes? Mental vision, mind’s eye thing; I think you wear blinkers, sometimes. The two boys, ah? Off down the pub last term, no, lads’ night out, Lee was always saying?”

“Not Lee as well?”

“Hardly! He’s been sniffing around the girls on my course ever since two of yours told him no. Lee’s been watching Jordan’s back, and so was Tref, and two of them sort of cut out the middle man”

She humphed, then grinned.

“It’s actually quite sweet, love. You miss so much, or at least everything that isn’t made of rock. Just glad you didn’t miss any of my hints; where would we have been then?”

Her face fell, and she shook her head.

“Lost, that’s where I would have been. Didn’t happen. Not happening. Come on; get back to them, find out the situation, see what’s needed. Like one of your rescue things”

She towed me back into the living room after we had made a pot of tea as cover for my extreme blindness, and after a few sips, Tref filled us in on the important bits.

“Second black eye of the holidays, people, to be honest. We were in a place along from the Symphony Hall, been to a gig there. Grabbing a pint there before he had to go home. I’d got a room in the Travelodge for, you know…”

I gave Alys a quick glance, and she nodded, almost imperceptibly. Tref shook his head, ruefully.

“Couple of men in the pub, must have guessed. We were on the corner by my hotel, and they jumped us”

Lee was almost growling.

“How badly did Jordan get hurt?”

Trefor laughed out loud.

“Really? Who was the dickhead who stepped in front of him to do the protection bit? I got the smack in the face, and of course he’s the one who’s done karate or Kung Fu or whatever!”

He sobered up suddenly.

“So they run off, and then we go back to my room, and we clean my face up, and, well, traditional stuff. Paid for an extra breakfast the next day, and he thinks one of the kitchen staff knows his Mam”

Alys slipped across to hug him.

“That explains how her Mam was at the festival. Like laser beams from her eyes, every time she saw us anywhere near him. Where is he, Tref?”

“Should be on his way over. Mind if he stays the night?”

Lee said something about bloody stupid questions, and went to dig out the menu for our local Chinese-that-delivers, as Alys settled into a cuddle. I rewound his words.

“Second black eye?”

“Oh. Yeah. Came out of that one a bit better. That was near home—hang on, that’s the door”

He squirmed out from his cuddle with my lover, and quickly returned, hand in hand with Jordan.

“Just telling this lot what happened, love. About the arseholes outside the Figure of Eight”

“Okay… Enfys?”

“Yes, Jordan?”

“Sorry about my Mum. At the festival”

I hugged him quickly.

“I did wonder, what with the looks she was giving us”

“Yes. Well. That cat, that bag. Right out it is, now. She’s just looking for someone to blame. That fresh tea?”

Alys stood up, heading for the kitchen.

“I’ll sort. Tref was about to tell us about the other black eye”

That started Jordan laughing, and then crying, just as Lee returned with the menu, and by the time Jordan was on surer ground again, Alys was back with a fresh cup for him. I tugged her from the sofa, curling up with her in one of the armchairs to leave the wider seat for the two lads, and Lee pulled out a notebook and pen.

“Who wants what, then? Oh, and I will be away to the offy for a few once this is ordered, so…”

He collated the order, rang it in with his credit card details, and then settled back into his chair once more.

“Tref: black eye?”

That brought a smile, finally.

“Oh, it’s quite funny, really. Same thing, from me, that is, trying to be the hero without a clue, but… Better ending, by far”

He settled himself back into the sofa, a hand on what was now clearly his lover’s knee.

“Got some shops near us, my home, that is. There’s this bakery, and they’ve got this chef there, does pastries. Really clever stuff, Danish pastries, eclairs, sponge cakes, all the clever stuff. Really, really popular. So Mam says, what we having for tea tonight, fancy a cold one tonight, salad and that? So I say ‘aye’, and she says well, we can have cakes as well, be naughty. She used to say ‘we’ll go gay’, but, well, with me…

“Anyway, girl who makes the cakes, she’s not exactly, didn’t start out that way, if you see what I mean. Trans, she is. Big girl, for a girl, and I think she’s had some shit in the past”

Alys was hanging on his words.

“She got anyone to look after her?”

“Oh god aye! Man who runs the place, he’s straight in if she gets any shit from customers, but he wasn’t there that evening, don’t know why. Girl’s got a boyfriend, I think, but he wasn’t there either. Just the girl and the woman who works the counter side of things. So there I am, three back from the counter, and some arsehole starts going on about trannies. So, me being me, I step in”

Jordan snorted.

“I told you to leave those tossers on Broad Street to me, but did you listen?”

“Yeah, well. Same there, wasn’t it? I tell him not to be a twat, and he just punches me right in the face, and there I am, sat on my arse on the floor, and feeling like a complete fool, because it turned out that half the queue were coppers in civvies!”

He shook his head, then grinned a lot more naturally.

“Well, two of them, anyway, a big man with a scar on his face and a really pretty blonde, and next thing I see, my tosser is face down and cuffed, and the blonde is off comforting the chef girl. Quick phone call, van arrives with some uniformed boys, a quick statement from me, paramedic to check my injury, and then Mam is saying it’s a good job we were already having a cold tea. Just got the bruise down before this one was delivered!”

Alys was staring hard at him.

“It not a problem, the chef girl not being a real girl?”

Tref snorted.

“Oh, trust me, Alys: see her with her lad, no doubt there. She’s definitely not my type!

“And why not? Doesn’t pass well as a woman?”

“Not at all! She is a bloody woman, and me, well”

He waved his free hand at Jordan.

“So… not my type! Get me? Like you two---neither of you are into lads, bloody obviously”

A memory surfaced, of Alys talking of spending her time at Bangor as just another woman student, and so I squeezed her knee as I smiled at Tref.

“Mate, spot on. As you can see, neither of us is into lads of any sort! Lee? What about you?”

He looked round the room, grinning as he pulled on a fleece jacket.

“Me? As what is clearly the token here, the only straight in the village, I am off to leave you in peace”

Jordan looked a little embarrassed.

“Lee, sorry if this is awkward for you, still new to me, and, well, I can sod off again if you want”

“Don’t be daft, lad. But do us a favour, and dip into one or both of your wallets. I’ve bought the meal; gie’s some cash for the alcohol!”

He pulled on his rucksack as we bundled some banknotes for him, and then he was out of the door, the Chinese meal arriving ten minutes after his return, just as Alys and I were starting on a bottle of Frascati and the boys on some cans of Felinfoel.

Jordan didn’t go back to his own digs for six days.

CHAPTER 55
I prodded Tref a few more times over those few days, as his story of the Cardiff trans girl intrigued me. Alys, for her part, avoided those discussions, but she grilled me on that subject when we were in bed.

“I don’t want to slip up, Enfys. Come across as too interested; show out, as they say on the police programmes. Say too much. That bit about the other girls?”

I had been teasing the story apart bit by bit, like a badly coiled rope. Tref was more than a little curious at my obvious interest, and Alys’ avoidance of the subject now made abundant sense. It was indeed like one of those ropes. No matter how well you think you’ve coiled it, it always turns into a messy tangle, and it’s only after some arm-aching struggles that it suddenly starts to run free. That was Tref, Jordan dropping in his own occasional questions as things struck him, and the obvious one was Trefor’s description of the ‘gay scene’ in Cardiff.

“Well, there’s a lot of places there, cause of all the students, Mam says”

He stopped at that point, looking directly at Jordan.

“Sorry about your own Mam. Time, aye?”

The young man shook his head.

“Don’t think so. Her… Best thing she came out with was ‘Couldn’t you have waited till I was dead?’. Not much hope I can pick out of that comment, is there? Forget that. I want to know about your city, what’s there to see. Please”

“Ah, loads of stuff, as long as you watch where you go. Usual queer-bashing there, just like Brum, but it’s not like your gay village”

Jordan snorted.

“What would I know about that, with my family?”

Tref grinned.

“Point taken! I mean, I don’t know it, but I know about it, aye? London, it has a main gay area in Soho, but there are other places, sort of satellite villages, shut up Lee”

The Geordie lad huffed.

“I was only going to say---”

“Yes, we know. The only straight in the villageS, would it have been? Anyway, Manchester, I’m told it’s all in one area, not far from the centre, but Birmingham’s way out, the other side of Chinatown. That’s what’s different in Cardiff: there are a couple of streets with a cluster of places, but the main ones are spread around the city centre. None of them far from Caroline Street, of course”

I slipped in my own question then, just in case the men had forgotten I was there.

“What is it about Caroline Street?”

Jordan laughed out loud.

“Tref already told me about that! We’ve got the Balti Triangle in Brummagem, all curry houses and that, and Cardiff has Chippy Lane”

His boyfriend was nodding.

“Aye, loads of pubs around it, on the edge of the pedestrianised shopping area. To the East of that you’ve got the men-only places, which aren’t my sort of thing, and to the West and South you’ve got some better ones, on Queen Street—thank you, Lee. Here’s another one: St Mary’s. So you’ve got the Golden Cross, and Mary’s, and the Smuggler’s as more open sorts of thing, and as I said, they’re mixed in with the straight places. Little islands, sort of thing”

Jordan was clearly making plans, or perhaps dreaming; at the very least, he was fishing.

“So… If I came down to Cardiff, where would you recommend I go?”

Lee was on a roll.

“Yes, tell us, Tref: where would you take him? Sod it: if any of us came for a visit, where would we, where would you take us?”

Tref stared into his mug of tea for a while before speaking, and his tone was a little darker.

“Honest truth is that I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near any of them recently. Been a really nasty series of attacks. Young men gang-raped”

We all muttered something similarly rude, before Tref shook his head, a hint of a smile there.

“Ah, yes. Bloody nasty. It was ages before I realised who those two coppers were, the ones who arrested the gobby man. For once, the police actually did something, and put together a task force thing. Load of arrests, really BIG jail time for five of them, and suddenly the pink places are busy again. I remembered the man with the scar being on some of the news reports”

I pushed again.

“You a regular at those places, then, Tref?”

“Me? God, no! How old am I? Going to look in a bit more now, though, especially if I get guests coming down. And no, Lee: I will answer that question. I like Mary’s, usual mix of stuff, drag acts and discos and that, but it’s right in the middle of a load of other bars and pubs, straight ones. Golden Cross goes up and down, I’m told, but never been in, so don’t know.. Smuggler’s, though, that’s more my sort of place. Really mixed clientele, including a few straights, but the owner is always on top of problems before they start, almost. I went there a couple of times after I got smacked, and the second time, Scarface is there, and of course he’s gay too, got his man in tow, and not just that. The pastry girl is there, with her boyfriend, and he’s all over me like a rash, saying thank you, buying me a drink. Then they’ve got a load of other friends as well, and they all want to do the same. Don’t know how I got home, or didn’t. Mam says it was a police car”

Lee guffawed at that.

“And? What did the magistrates say?”

Tref was shaking his head, grinning in a slightly confused way.

“That’s the thing, mate: it wasn’t like that. Mam told me in the morning. ‘That copper who brought you home, love: said they wouldn’t put you in a taxi in your state. Said you had stood up for a good friend of theirs, when you got that eye, and they were happy to return the favour’. So I had to explain it all to her, all over again, and she just says to me not to make a habit of coming home by police car; sets the neighbours talking. Then that afternoon, the baker’s there at our door, the man, not the pastry girl, with a cake, and he says ‘Bryn told Gemma where to send this, and she says thank you and hopes the hangover’s not too bad’. Mam didn’t stop taking the piss till I left for Uni again”

We all laughed, dutifully, and Jordan squeezed Tref’s knee in a comfortably casual way, which said an awful lot, before turning his face to Tref’s with a mock frown.

“So: tell me about this Smuggling pub, then”

“Smuggler’s”

“Whatever the name is. Tell”

“Well, big place. Bit of a maze, lots of rooms. There’s usually a disco or something in one, other places to sit and laugh, or just be somewhere comfortable for a bit of a read or whatever. All sorts of folks there, as well. Young, old, male, female, some I don’t know what they are. Loads of students and lots and lots of CCTV cameras outside”

He paused, taking a sip of his tea before continuing.

“The place was one of the main targets for the gang, they told me. Everybody there knew someone, or knew of, who had been given a kicking or worse. That’s what’s getting me about Jordan and his family, what reminds me how lucky I am. Enfys?”

“Yes, Tref?”

“I think you and Alys understand that as well, am I right?”

I had a surge of memory: Ifor Watkins and his crew; I could feel my mouth twisting.

“You could say that. In both senses. Lucky with our families, anyway”

Lee shook his head.

“Not just that, pet. You’ve got real friends over that way. I spent a while talking to them in the pub, as well as when we were climbing. That lad with the chip shop, he was going to say something, but his girl slapped his arm”

Jordan was emphatic in his own nods.

“You were saying that about the cave diving man as well”

“Neil?”

“Yes, love. Enfys, please tell us when we are getting too personal, but we are beginning to think you’ve both had a bit of shit, you and Alys. Don’t need to know, do we, Lee? Yes, I’m looking at you, because I already know what Tref thinks. Whatever it is, you tell us if and when you need to, and that’s all we need. Now, changing the subject, and I know it’s early to be thinking about it, but Christmas. Are we all up for the Cairngorms, with the exception of Alys, that is? Just, well, if we are, we really need to sort out the personal kit. Got loads of waterproof kit, just not that much pukka winter equipment”

Lee raised a hand.

“Matt says that the Uni will provide a lot of that. Axes, crampons, ice screws and so on. I’ve got a decent pair of rigid boots, so that’s a start. Done plenty of snow stuff, just nothing on ice”

I gave them the quick version of my times out around Twll Du with Steph’n’Geoff, and started to relax. Subject nicely changed, diverted away from dangerous topics. I would need to sound either Tref or Neil out, find out how much had actually been leaked before extracting any necessary agreements concerning silence. Keep that change of subject going, Hiatt.

“Was talking to my friends a while back, the ones who went climbing with us in the hols. You say you haven’t done any ice climbing, Lee?”

“None at all. Heavy snow, the odd cornice and that, but no front-pointing sort of thing”

“Well, Steph’n’Geoff told me about some really unusual front-pointing stuff. Down at Dover”

Jordan looked puzzled.

“Do they ever get enough ice down there?”

“They don’t do it on ice”

“But how can they do ice-climbing without… No! You are kidding!”

I winced at him.

“Wish I wasn’t joking, but no, it’s real. Bloke called Mick Fowler started it, Dad says”

Yet again, Lee’s head was shaking as emphatically as Jordan’s earlier nods.

“Just tell us one thing, Enfys: climbing bloody chalk cliffs is NOT part of our course!”

Subject changed, but that had been close.

CHAPTER 56
Jordan didn’t actually move in to our shared house directly, but he became a very regular visitor. Our beds were all doubles, so there was presumably enough room, although lee did try being smug about it. We were sitting down to breakfast one November morning, the hints about milk purchases and porridge consumption having finally worked their way into the usual suspect’s understanding, when he stretched theatrically and grinned at the rest of us.

“Never it be said Geordies aren’t switched on! One of us here, and only one, gets to stretch out at night. I get my beauty sleep, even If I’m the one who doesn’t need it”

Tref threw a crust of toast at his head, as Alys made some comment about who was down for kitchen-cleaning duties, and I realised that Jordan was looking a little abashed. My lover caught the direction I was looking, and put a hand to his.

“Okay, love?”

He let out a long sigh.

“Not really sure, to be honest. Bit guilty, really. Look…”

He sat up straighter, taking a mouthful of tea, and all of that term’s basic psychology lessons sat up in my own mind to play close attention. Displacement activity, distancing, thinking space, whatever.

“I’m spending a lot of time here. I eat breakfast, and we share evening meals”

Lee in turn reached out to pat his hand, which actually impressed me.

“You bring plenty of food and stuff, marra, if that’s what’s worrying you. I wasn’t dropping hints. I mean, I might, you know. Want to bring someone else back now and again”

Traf grinned at that.

“Really? Who would that be, then?”

Alys had a hand up immediately.

“Not now, Tref. I think Jordan wants to say something he thinks is important. Go ahead, love”

The young man was blushing, stumbling over his words and seemingly fascinated by his mug, but he made a clear effort and set it down.

“Shit. Well, I really wanted to say this in private, just the two of us, yeah? Still; seems easier to get it out with you three here. You’re…we’re all friends, I think. No: just nod”

There was a mutual look around, then all of us did as he had asked, and he grinned, in a slightly nervous way.

“Alys and Enfys, yeah? You were there from day one, at the Freshers’ Bazaar. I’d watched you, from the very first tutorial, and you were just so, so open about who you were, and… and who you loved. No, shush. My turn. You took me along to the LGBT group. That was my coming out, really. Being outed to Mum, well, that would have been…”

He shook his head, a far more natural grin arriving.

“Chicken and egg, yeah? If it hadn’t been for you two, I’d never have come out at all, us two probably wouldn’t be together, so there’d have been nothing for anyone to take back to Mum. Circles… Anyway. What I wanted to say is that I rent my digs by the term. Getting used to the company, so I would like to make it a regular thing. Sorry, Tref, but I couldn’t get myself to dive in with this, just the two of us. These three talk sense, thought they’d spot any silliness, keep my head grounded”

Tref was almost expressionless, but I could see a vein pulsing rapidly in his neck.

“What are you asking, Jordy? Or offering?”

“Saving one set of rent, in short”

“Here, or there? I mean, which one of us would move?”

Jordan looked around the table once again.

“Partly why I wanted to say it in front of this lot. Not just us two involved, is it? Lee?”

“Aye? Oh. Well, saves us all a big problem if you move in here”

I found myself nodding, and after a glance at my girl, I offered my pearl of wisdom.

“Aye; would save us all on rent if Jordan moves in here. Win-win”

Lee snorted out a laugh.

“Rent’s last of my worries, lass! It’s getting back from the pub that’s important!”

The other three were staring at each other in confusion as obvious as my own, so Lee just spread his arms wide.

“Look: we go out to the pub, aye? Get a few bevvies down our necks, like? The more of us there are, the more likely there’ll be one of us with enough working brain cells to be able to find their way home and show the rest where it is!”

As the rest of us laughed, he buffed his nails in mock modesty before heading for the kitchen with a promise of a fresh pot of tea., picking up the piece of toast as he went, and I followed him, shutting the door behind us both.

“You fill the kettle, Lee, I’ll sort the pot”

“Grand!”

“And you can tell me what’s jerking your chain right now”

“Oh, nowt wrong with me”

I waited until he had set the kettle to boil before going up and putting my hands to his shoulders.

“Not saying there is, mate, but once I’d spotted Tref’s little tics, I could see yours. We’re both doing the same courses, after all. You got a problem with them moving in together? Two lads?”

He stared hard at me, before shaking his own head.

“Touché with the courses, woman. I was going to ask if you really thought that, but I can see your own little tics, as you put it. If each of them is happy having someone to fart next to them, who am I to object?”

I felt my own grin again.

“Steph calls that ‘The Promise’. Camping, aye? It’s no snoring or farting”

He laughed, but it was still not quite relaxed.

“What’s up, Lee?”

“Well, nothing”

“Rubbish is it nothing”

He stepped away from me, turning his back as he poured the now-boiling water into the teapot.

“Enfys… You know what I said about the only straight in the village, aye?”

“Yes?”

“Well, not just that, is it? I’m the only single one too. The only only one, to bugger up a phrase”

Oh dear. I stepped closer, hugging him from behind.

“Are you okay, love?”

Yet another deep sigh, his back pressing against me as he drew in the air, before slumping as he exhaled.

“Sort of, and sort of not, sort of. I don’t know, really. Never been good with the chat-up, me. Never any luck at home, and I though being at Uni, you know what they say. Hurts, sometimes. I mean, that day you took us all out on the slate, when Steph showed me what I could really do, and everyone there was sort of joined at the hip. I was watching, you know? That lad who does the chips and his missus, they’re so placid about it all, complacent, aye? And Steph and her man, they’re grinning at each other all day. I want something like that, and, well. Just doesn’t happen, not for me. No. No problem from me about Tref and, what was that? Jordy. Confusing, that. Anyway, tea will stew if we leave it any longer. Not a word to the rest, please. Things will happen when they happen, and same if they don’t happen. We’ll sort out divvying up the rent payments later, okay?”

Je was back to bright-and-cheeky when we returned to the table, and I kept my promise. Not a word even to Alys, but all I could see was another Warren. Why was life never simple?

Just over a month later, after a Christmas that seemed slightly hollow without the spice that the Woodruffs normally sprinkled everywhere, we were in a pair of minibuses pulling into a car park outside a place that felt like home, as it was so similar to Idwal YHA that I felt a slight shock at finding none of the signs in anything other than English. It had rained almost non-stop from Bangor, but by the time we settled into our rooms in Aviemore, it had turned to snow. I wasn’t alone in finding the pull of my bunk easily overriding any desire to hit the bar, and the net thing I registered was the faint smell of a fried breakfast coming from somewhere in the building.

Matt was stupidly upbeat for someone who claimed not to be a climber, and in response to my slightly shop-worn reminder to him on that subject, he was absolutely blasé about it.

“Mountain sports, Enfys, WINTER mountain sports, include more than scrambling up lumpy bits of ground. I fully intend to slide down a lot of it, before rinse, rise and repeat. Skiing, woman! You not read the prospectus?”

Lee dove straight in.

“Silly question, Matt, but why you on this trip? Why not one of the other tutors, one who climbs?”

“Pastoral care, my friend. Because I actually am YOUR tutor. Instructors are all local, so I can take a back seat. Watch the group dynamics, coordinate reports on your learning outcomes, keep your continuous assessment modules up to date”

Ricky followed him seamlessly with “… and get a ski holiday in as well”

Matt shrugged.

“Not just women who can multitask, is it? Anyway, getting a little more serious. I actually will be on most of your sessions here, as I believe in continuous learning as well as continuous assessment. I am building, as I have been for years, my own portfolio of mountaineering skills. Not climbing as such, not in a really technical sense, but mountaineering as a gestalt. I have real ambitions to do some seriously off-piste skiing in the Alps one day, and these are the skills I will need if something goes to ratshit. Yes, I will be sharing a snow cave with somebody for that part of the fortnight”

Lee called my name across the table, grinning in anticipation.

“Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“Shall we make him give The Promise, then?”

“Certainly! Matt?”

“Yes, Ms Hiatt? Why do I feel this is some sort of set-up?”

“Not at all. We just need a promise. Well, The Promise”

“Which is?”

“When sharing a tent or, in this instance, a snow cave: no snoring or farting!”

Ricky had his hand up for his own comment.

“And no going for a curry the night before, then! There’s smelly and, well, I’ve used that curry house down the road before, and anything emitted after eating in that place will dissolve its own snow cave!”

Six days later, and all I could think of was his words, as Lee and myself were taking turns to dig through what felt like a mile of snow towards what we hoped would be fresh air.

CHAPTER 57
The place we were based at was indeed a clone of the Brenin, with extras in some ways, and surprising omissions in others. The dorms were larger, and we ended up all in one ’gender-neutral’ bunkhouse affair, which demanded a certain finesse in dressing and undressing. Looking at the rows of bunks, I remembered all those jokes about ‘The Promise’ and blessed my Dad’s insistence that I travelled with a little box of reusable foam earplugs.

The boot room was as expected, but there was another, colder room with a tiled floor and no heating that was for ski storage. No climbing wall; we clearly couldn’t have everything. There was also absolutely no sign of a bar, which left the lads, and a couple of the girls, muttering until Matt pointed out that we had transport and there was a place called Aviemore reasonably nearby, which definitely held the appropriate and desired type of shop, as well as at least one curry house.

I pondered on both aspects of ‘The Promise’ at that announcement, especially after Ricky’s comment, and ensured I took an upper bunk rather than one on the bottom tier.

The first night was a quiet one, following such a long drive up, and I was surprised to find bright sunshine awaiting me, along with a very, very full breakfast. Once that was disposed of, we had our first lecture, with a heavy focus on the geology and topology of the hills nearby, the prevailing winds, snow forecast, wind chill rate, etc, etc. Our instructor, Cubby, was a short man whose face seemed almost all beard, and in his manner and speech patterns he reminded me very much of Steph and Annie’s friend Stewie.

Lunch, and then a hands-on session with ice tools, necessarily limited to holding them, feeling their heft and carrying out what Neil referred to as Naming of Parts. It was all very, very dry, and that feeling was made far worse by the sight of the glistening snowclad hills through our classroom window. I was just starting to fade into a depressive state with thoughts of a wasted day of decent weather, when Cubby called for a break.

“Right, then! Grab a cuppa, and be back here as soon as you’ve got it and changed into hill gear. You will need your overtrousers as well as jackets”

I exchanged raised eyebrows with Lee and Tref, and then shot upstairs. Tracksters off, base layer and Powerstretch leggings on, the rest of my kit into my daysack and back down via the kitchen; I wasn’t the first back, but nobody was hanging around. Cubby’s grin was so wide it was visible through the beard, which was amazing.

“What? Waste a day like this indoors? Today is basic ‘walking with an axe’ stuff. We will be heading out in the Landies for the afternoon. Flasks are already filled, so if you don’t like tea or coffee, tough. You up for this? Oh dear, look at those grins. Boots and gaiters on, and meet at the car park”

The drive out took us up a few hairpins to somewhere near the lift up to the ski area, and once we were out of the Landrovers, Cubby assembled us in ranks.

“Force of habit, ladies and gentlemen, so stand easy. We are going on a short walk, and it will neither involve nor need crampons. In the back if that wagon you will find a selection of longer ice axes rather than the tech ones we played with this morning. Please collect one each, and then follow me”

They were indeed long-shafted items, and I realised why, as my memory brought up that definitely-not-Dad story of a turned ankle and a technical axe, and once we were assembled, Cubby led us from the car [ark out onto the open slope. At first, my boots squished through half-melted slush, but as we moved further away from the gritted tarmac they started to crunch and occasionally squeak as they sank into the snow. I was wearing glacier glasses, a Christmas present from my lover, which let me see all sorts of interesting structures in the drifted snow, and as we turned to move uphill, the ‘walking stick’ use of the axe I held became both obvious and useful. Chubby led us upwards and around to the shaded side of a large knoll, where there was a pretty broad snowfield on a reasonable slope.

“Right, you lot: self-arrest. Anyone done this before?”

I put my hand up, along with three or four other people, and Cubby nodded.

“Not too many bad habits to break then, or at least I hope not. Now, Each of you, take the axe and hold it in your dominant hand, about a quarter way down from the head. Got that? Pick facing away from you. Other hand folded over---no, whatever your name is. Wait for the word of instruction. Folded over the top of the head, thumb behind the base of the adze. Feel how the shaft is sitting towards your armpit? Okay… bring both hands down so that the shaft rides up into that armpit. That is how it works. Braking is done by forcing the pick into the snow, and your armpit helps to take the load. None of this ‘Where Eagles Dare’ shite where you chop it in and swing on one hand”

Matt’s voice carried well in the still air.

“We will be looking at that film on our return, along with ‘The Eiger Sanction’. I have saved them both so that you can properly appreciate how silly they are. Sorry, Cubby!”

“Not at all, mate. Now, you lot: we will be doing self-arrest in a series of different postures, from the simplest to the most difficult. Simplest, obviously, is feet downhill, on your front. Hardest is neither of those. Now, none of you are wearing crampons, but I want you to imagine you are, so feet held clear of the snow at all times you are sliding”

One by one, we carried out the first exercise, and then moved onto feet-first on our backs. Once again, Cubby was direct and to the point.

“Always roll over towards the side you are holding the axe head. If you don’t, the spike will dig in, and you WILL lose your axe, possibly after it smacks you in the gob. First up!”

Yes, we did finish off head down on our backs, and more than one of us ended up with a large quantity of snow down our collars, and Ricky rolled the wrong way, his axe breaking free and trailing behind him as he went head-first, naturally, into the sizeable and thankfully soft snowdrift at the bottom of the slope. Cubby roared with laughter at the sight.

“We have some avalanche poles on the roofracks. Do we need to probe to find out where he is?”

The lad was on his feet as quickly as he could manage, and Cubby’s manner eased.

“Lucky it happened in that orientation, son. Other way up, and you might have lost some teeth, so no harm done. Give it another go, yeah?”

That attempt went far better, and after we had all gathered around our instructor, he continued.

“Lots easier than the description, isn’t it? It is still a vital skill. The longer you slide, obviously, the faster you go, so always be ready to self-arrest. When using the axe as a walking stick, carry it with the adze forward, so that your hand is already the right way round. That bit about crampons is for the same reason: if they dig in, you get thrown off balance in a different way, and can end up spinning. Always remember 7P”

Once again, Ricky had to ask, and Cubby just shrugged.

“Proper prior planning prevents piss-poor performance, of course! Now, while we are here, lets have a look at this snow. One of you pass me my rucksack?”

Out of his bag came a lightweight and narrow shovel, and up by the outcrop he dug a deep hole less than a foot wide.

“Now, this is not the best site for it, but…”

Layers. Different types of snow, one layer on another. Crystal size, density, et cetera and et more cetera. How to check a slope for avalanche risk, how the wind affects the composition and safety, how to gauge where best to dig a snow hole, a snow cave, a snow grave. Jordan was twitching at the last, and Cubby waved a hand in either dismissal or reassurance.

“Not what it sounds like, son. Biggest threat up here, once you’ve avoided avalanche, is hypothermia. Applies whether or not you know where you are, and that is why we put such emphasis on wind chill calculation. If the wind is trying to kill you, bloody well get out of it. A snow grave simply means a trench cut into the snow so that you can lie down out of that wind. Not the best way to spend a night, or even a couple of hours, but it can save your life. In a few days, we will start some live practice on those skills, and at the end of the week, we will overnight in two-man---sorry, ladies, two-person snow holes. Now, look at the light”

Where had the day gone? We tramped across to the Landrovers once again, and I realised I was actually tired, after all the stamping uphill for another slide down. By the time we were back at base, it was utterly dark, the air temperature plunging, and our evening meal of stew and mashed potato was really welcome. I was a little late for it, as I was one of those who hadn’t zipped their jacket all the way up, so my back was dripping wet, and I needed a complete change of tops. Not making that mistake again.

Over the next few days, we did indeed push out further, as the weather held, and there were a couple of days when we rode to the summit of Cairn Gorm using the ski lifts, walking out with flasks and packed food to reasonably unfrequented parts of the summit plateau to practice digging our graves, among other skills. We had two evenings out in Aviemore, in which curry was indeed consumed and found to be far better than predicted, and beer accompanied it. We were taken to some north-facing slopes, where we played with ice screws, crampons and technical axes on frozen waterfalls, and the only thing that could have made that week better would have been the presence of my lover.

More instruction on the hill, more classroom sessions, several of which were held in the evenings to free up what daylight we were allowed for practical work, and then we were driven out to another access point for some East-facing slopes. Cubby marshalled us uphill to a ridge line, then started pairing us up.

“You and you, over that way: a snow grave. Same with you two… next two pairs, quinzhees, over there. Last four: snow cave. Be aware that yours will be the hardest, in terms of physical exertion, so work pair by pair. Watch your heart rates, check for dehydration, and by that I mean buddy system. I am not going to tell you where to put the cave---you’ve had the lecture, show me how much attention you have been paying. No; no overnighting here. That’s in three days. Off you go!”

Lee and I nodded to each other, and moved some way up the snow bank, as we had been advised. Start digging, angled a little uphill. Once Lee had made some headway, he backed out and I went in to take my turn with the spade, Jordan and Tref clearing the debris to one side so that one of the quinzhee pairs could use it. They then took over from Lee and me as we caught our breath and drank from our flasks, before Lee and I were back into the tunnel and starting to excavate the sleeping area. As I took my turn at the sharp end, Lee started a whispered conversation.

“Enfys?”

“Yes, mate?”

“Julia. What do you think of her?”

“Which Julia?”

“She’s on your girl’s course. Think she’s into beetles”

“Seems. Okay. Not. Sure. About. Beetles. Myself”

“Aye, but your lass; could you, you know, ask? If she’s seeing anyone?”

I rested on the spade for a few seconds as I caught my breath.

“Why not ask her yourself?”

“Shit, Enfys: what if she tells us to sod off?”

“That’s how it goes, I’m afraid, but you never know till you ask”

“Aye, but I’d look a right tit if, you know….”

I turned slightly so that I could see his face in the half-light filtering past him from the entrance.

“It’s not just the chatting up line, then, is it? Worse?”

He shook his head slightly, then nodded sharply.

“I just can’t talk to lasses, Enfys”

“Bollocks to that! You’re talking to me, and you never shut up at Uni”

“Aye, but, well… different when you’re asking… I just can’t. I mean, look at me, I’m not exactly Mister Cool, am I?”

I couldn’t help it, and burst out laughing.

“Sorry, but I am most definitely not someone to ask about male attractiveness, am I?”

His head dropped.

“Just, you know… Oh, sod it. Let’s get this dug”

I nodded, and started to clear a space over what would be the sleeping platform, remembering Cubby’s description of a domed ceiling, and as I scraped another layer of snow from overhead, I heard a squeak, followed by a creak. Lee put a hand to my ankle.

“Enfys…”

At that moment, the whole thing collapsed, slamming my face into that same sleeping platform, and my mouth filled with cold and wet. Can’t breathe…

The pull on my ankles was agonising, but I slowly slid out from a pile of loose blocks and messy powder, one part of my mind looping comments from the lectures about anomalous layers of looser stuff, and then Lee was brushing snow from my face as I spat out even more of it.

“Fuck, lass! It’s come down behind me as well! Here, gie’s the spade!”

I tried to clear the fog from my brain.

“What are you going to do?”

“Dig out and upward. Don’t trust that entry tunnel, and I want to get well away from this bit. That’s powder between two layers of wind slab. We keep going that way, the whole lot will come down. You got any damage?”

“My nose really hurts”

“Aye. Think it’s bleeding. Here; I’ll dig, you push it backwards for us”

He started his labour, and I did my best, my head still ringing, and while we moved away from the collapsed chamber, he we was digging in a prone position, and it was a nightmare struggle to move the tailings past the two of us. I have no idea how long we had been working when I heard a hiss, and Lee shouted “Fuck!”

Another hiss, and an avalanche probe slid right past my face. I grabbed at it and gave it a shake, and it stopped moving as whoever held the other end realised they had something. Within five minutes, I could hear the crunching of shovels, and Lee started poking his own spade up through the overhead snow.

A sudden explosion of light, and cold, fresh air, along with a lot of shouting. Cubby’s voice was loudest.

“Quiet! Who have we got?”

One of the other girls, Kitzy, replied.

“I’ve got Lee here!”

“What about Enfys?”

Lee replied for me.

“Just aback of my feet! She’s had a whack in the head, but I think she’s fine”

Cubby swore in a really creative way, then started issuing far more specific instructions, and as my friends digging came closer to me, they put the spades down and used their gloved hands to free me. In the end, one of them slipped a bowline around me and I was pulled uphill out of our impromptu tunnel. They tried to make me lie down on a mat, but I insisted on standing while Cubby did a quick but quite thorough head injury assessment, after I had received a series of gentle hugs.

“You’ve taken a real whack to your nose, love, but that looks to be it. We’ll get a paramedic called out to pop up from Aviemore to meet us, once we’re packed up here. Now, as part of a test of your cognitive functions, what do you think went wrong?”

“Not sure. I think lee worked it out better than I did. What was it, mate? Two layers of wind slab, with unconsolidated stuff between them?”

Lee nodded.

“That’s what it felt like. What came down on you was solid, but what buried you was all loose shit. Cubby?”

“Yes, son?”

“That would have been an avalanche on a steeper place, wouldn’t it?”

“Abso bloody lutely it would. That’s why we do this practice somewhere safe, or at least safer. Now, why did you dig the direction you did?”

“This an exam, Cubby?”

A much happier grin.

“Might as well be. We take our teaching points where we can, and this was so many of them all in one event”

“Sod you! I dug that way because I wanted to keep the slab intact, avoid getting frowned in looser crud”

“Perfect answer, Lee. Better than that was your reaction. Let’s get back down to base, check up on Enfys here, and then I intend to use your lecturer there as well as one of my colleagues”

Jordan bit.

“What for?”

Cubby’s grin was now enormous.

“Designated drivers, lad! Near miss like this, it’s pub time!”

CHAPTER 58
The paramedic met us at the centre, seeming oddly satisfied with the state of my nose.

“It’s not broken, Enfys. That’s the good news. What it looks like is that the septum, the bit of gristle between your nostrils, has been bent”

“Hurts like it’s broken!”

She laughed.

“Aye, but it has to be there to hurt! What I am going to do is place a little bit of plastic over the top… Hold still… Got it. Try not to bang it again, and see your own GP when you get home. I know Cubby’s lot keep some basic painkillers here, but try not to overdo them, or those he’s about to give you in Aviemore”

“Eh?”

“At the pub. Don’t get plastered tonight just because I didn’t plaster you right now”

Obviously a frustrated comedian. I waved her goodbye, and then joined the others in the dining room to get that vital pre-pub layer of food into our stomachs. Yes, I did drink rather a lot, but only after a reassuring call, or perhaps warning, to my beloved.

I woke with a start at around two in the morning, hearing a whimper from another part of the dorm, followed a few seconds later by a shushing sound. It wasn’t the hiss of someone whose sleep had been disturbed but more that of a parent soothing a child. I swung my legs, still in their Tracksters, from under the duvet and climbed the few steps down to the floor.

It was Lee, sitting upright on his bunk, arms wrapped round his chest as he trembled. He was further enfolded by Kitzy’s arms, hers being the soothing voice I had heard. I squatted down by the pair, exchanging looks with the young woman. She shrugged as best as she could, given her position.

“He had a bad dream, Enfys. I came over, and he sat up so quickly I thought he was going to headbutt me. Think he’s back with us now, though. You okay, Lee? Talk about it?”

The lad’s voice was shaky, but he was clearly awake properly by that point.

“Sorry, ladies”

Kitzy had her chin on top of his head.

“Dream?”

Lee was silent for a few seconds, then humphed.

“Aye. I was… I was buried, simple as. Freezing cold, suffocating, didn’t know which way was up. Was I making a racket?”

I patted his arm.

“A little. Kitzy was a bit louder than you, to be honest, and I really think I woke up because I need the loo. Not a problem, mate. You sure you’ll be fine?”

“Aye, I think so. See you at brekky?”

Ah. I gave his arm a last squeeze, and by the time I returned from the toilet they were spooned together under his duvet. Not my place to judge, but I wondered whether Julia ‘Beetles’ might now be off my to-do list.

The next few days were much less exciting in the main, although we did get some skiing in. The rest of their time was filled with a variety of navigation exercises that included snowball throwing: in fog, find the correct compass bearing and throw a snowball out in that direction. Walk to it. Repeat.

And then, three days after our accident, we were all on another North-facing slope with spades. This time, our group had to carry up two Whillans-style box tents, which we erected on platforms we cut into the snow, to Cubby’s amused exhortations as to how it was all good practice. Much to my complete lack of surprise, I found that I was now partnered with Matt, as Lee and Kitzy prepared for their overnight together. Don’t knock it, Hiatt.

This time, after a rather significant stare from our tutor, Cubby dug a number of trial trenches before the rest of us put shovel to snow, and when my turn came, Matt whispered into where my ear was, under a couple of layers of fleece and Gore-Tex.

“I gather Lee has his eyes elsewhere, Enfys, but mine are firmly on you”

I looked round, to see him slightly red-faced.

“Um, not the way I wanted that to come out! I meant that I will understand if you are nervous about doing this, and that is why I am here. Eyes on your back, I meant. Want me to dig the first bit?”

I shook my head, as snow started to fall, the flakes broad and fluffy.

“No, Matt. Bikes and horses, yes?”

“Getting straight back on them? Indeed. Remember those modules about mental health and the outdoors, and off we jolly well”

The digging was just as strenuous as it had been the first time, but the roof stayed where it was, and after staring at me with a clear ‘What should I do next, my student?’ look, I directed Matt to skim the domed ceiling to avoid leaving lumpy bits to drip on us. We brought our packs in and laid out our mats and bags before exiting the hole for a team evening meal.

Where on Earth had the time gone?

We each shovelled down a bowl of stew and rice, before Cubby made the rounds of our unheated accommodation, making a couple of minor suggestions, and then it was time to settle into our bags, the snow, by now a finer powder, slowly burying the box tents.

It was nowhere near as cold as I had been expecting, and I lay in my bag reading until my eyelids started to droop, before turning it off and looking for sleep.

Matt snored; I had earplugs. I slept like a rather well-wrapped log. When I awoke, it was to a prod and a cuppa from my companion.

“Entrance is blocked, Enfys, from what I can hear. Feel that shudder through the roof?”

I sat up, reaching overhead, and there was an irregular vibration to what was now slightly damp ice.

“Yeah, got that. How do you know the entrance is blocked?”

“That’s wind. Can’t really hear it, and there’s no draft coming up the tunnel, so it must be blocked---no! Sorry. Not thinking. It’s normal for snow caves to have to dig out in the morning, and it won’t be consolidated. Not like that collapse, love. Nothing to fret about”

I picked that word out from the rest, but realised immediately that there was nothing behind it but reassurance. That, after all was the reason he had partnered with me. Keep it light for the recent victim, keep it comfortable. I found a grin.

“Breakfast, then?”

“What you brought, woman?”

“I may just have slipped a pack of bacon and some bread into my sack”

He was shaking his head.

“Stove will just disappear downwards when you light it”

“Not this one. Bought a cheapo in Aviemore. Gas can sits under it, not beside”

Realisation struck me, and I held up my hot mug of tea.

“I’m two steps behind again, aren’t I? Same with you?”

He laughed, and it was a happy sound, as he clearly put away the worries he had been suffering from in my regard.

“You are, but as I am actually the tutor and you the student, that is exactly how it should be! Seriously, though, think about it: you foresaw a problem, worked out a solution and put it into practice. That’s a big positive in my book. Anyway, before we get that stove going, pass me that avalanche pole over there”

He pushed it up through our ceiling until he could slide it in and out with no resistance, and once again I kicked myself---carbon monoxide. As he pulled the pole back into our shelter, I got two raised eyebrows.

“Isn’t that bacon ready yet?”

In the end, Matt’s prediction concerning the entrance was spot on, and it was only a couple of minutes’ easy digging that had us out of our little holiday home, and dear god it was horrible outside. The snow was still falling, but now it was doing so sideways. It wasn’t quite a gale, but not that far from one, and as we gathered in the boxes for what was clearly a first breakfast for several pairs of students, I could hear the wind playing the guy ropes like harp strings. Cubby led us through a quick wash-up.

“How many of you managed to cook this morning, even if only to make a hot drink?”

About half of us put hands up, and Cubby turned to me.

“What was your trick, Miss?”

“One of those crap blue stoves as a spare. Burner on top of the can, so it doesn’t sink into a puddle”

He nodded, then grinned.

“Didn’t look about you, then? You’ve just carried two stoves and two gas cans up the hill, twice the weight and space. About twenty metres upslope of you is an outcrop. Plenty of freeze-thaw weathering there. Plenty of rock flakes to sit the stove on. Or, you could do what I do”

He banged something that made a loud noise, and then showed us a lid from an old sweet tin.

“This weighs sod-all, and fits behind the pack liner, You can also buy something like a baking sheet. I wouldn’t recommend using a dead man, though, or youth or boy. Spot heat on ally can do all sorts of things, and I would rather not do them to my safety kit. Any questions, complaints, comments, before we strike these boxes and get back for a hot shower?”

It was a much worse drive back down to Bangor than the trip up had been, as there wasn’t the sense of excitement and anticipation that had fuelled the earlier journey. I managed to get Lee on his own at one of our comfort stops, and asked him the obvious question, much to his embarrassment.

“Do I need to cancel that enquiry with Beetle Girl, then?”

“Don’t tease, Enfys. Please”

“It going well, then? With Kitzy?”

“I don’t know, Enfys. How would I?”

Another piece fell into place.

“Lee, tell me to mind my business if you want, but is this your first ever, you know? Relationship, girlfriend, whatever?”

His lowered eyes were all the answer I needed. He wasn’t another Warren, because that boy had been out with a few girls before Elen and he had clicked.

“Lee, please take this the right way, but, well, don’t get too serious, just in case. Might be different back home. I mean, back in Uni”

He looked up, mouth slightly twisted.

“Holiday romance, aye? Well, open mind and that but, well. At least I’ve broken my duck. And she’s a canny lass. Kind, like. I suppose she’d have to be, going with me, like. Anyway, she’s on her way over. And she wants to ask a favour, don’t you, Kitz?”

He slipped an arm around her waist, and to my relief it looked a comfortable move rather than a statement of claim. That impression was reinforced by the way she leant against him.

“Yeah, Enfys, it’s like, well, we’re nearly at the start of proper term-time, and my digs aren’t available till next week, so would you mind if I sort of dossed at yours for those days? Dad can run my stuff down for me, as long as…”

Lee was chuckling now, and once again my insight was spot on.

“Let me guess, Kitzy? You would prefer your father to see just two other girls in the shared accommodation? Not men, even if two of them are, you know, on a different road?”

She was nodding again, and I couldn’t help a chuckle. She was clearly as shy as Lee was.

“Okay, then, as long as the others agree. I’ll give Alys a ring, and then we have another question, assuming they all say yes”

To my amusement, Lee’s and Kitzy’s answers were simultaneous whispers of “What’s that?”

“Well, are we having curry again tonight, ordering a Chinese or going out for a pizza?”

CHAPTER 59
Alys was waiting for us at the Uni, along with both of our mothers, which was a surprise. Mam, my Mam, of course, was straight to the point, as well as to a hands-on inspection of my nose, after a chuckled comment to Alys.

“Put Enfys down, love!”

She was as tender as my lover in that inspection, but seemed satisfied with the paramedic’s work.

“Bit softer on the head than rockfall?”

“Didn’t feel like it, Mam. Hurt like hell. You know Lee, here: he dug us both out”

She stepped forward, offering her arms for a hug, and he took it with a slightly pink face.

“I mean, I was digging meself out as well…”

“Oh, shut up, son. Anyway… ah. We got an extra for your house, then?”

Two of my friends were now blushing properly, so I took the lead.

“Mam, this is Kitzy. Her Dad’s dropping her stuff off in a few days for start of term, so she’s stopping with us for a while”

Mam’s eyes flicked to those of Alys, and I was thankful I had prepared the ground over the phone. My mother simply smiled to me, and then confirmed what I had expected.

“Got in a shop for you, basics like milk and bread. Left it at your place, but what are you planning tonight?”

I was surprised to hear Kitzy’s snort of laughter.

“Mrs Hiatt, that’s the first thing Enfys said after agreeing I could stay—curry, Chinese or pizza?”

“I would expect no less. Enfys, just one thing: we have a visitor for a few days. Would you mind if we all came out with you, parents’ treat?”

“Not a problem, Mam, not for me anyway. Sorry: keep forgetting there’s more than myself and Alys involved. Who’s the visitor?”

“Mike”

I was stunned.

“Uncle Mike?”

“The very same. He’s back in the UK for six weeks, so you’ve got time to see him later, if you’d prefer”

I looked quickly round our group, and there was a sequence of sharp nods. I turned back to our parents.

“Where were you thinking of, Mam? For tonight?”

“Well, that’s the thing, why we brought both cars down. We assumed you’d want your housemates along, and it’s a lot easier taking you home, HOME home, and using the bunkhouse than dragging six of us down here and back”

Alys burst out laughing.

“That’s not what Dad said! Or your Mam, love! What was it from Keith? ‘I want a pint and its friends, so you will have to be duty driver’, wasn’t it, Mam? And from Dad as well?”

I held up a hand.

“Six, Mam?”

“Yes. Mike has a friend with him”

“A friend, or a special friend?”

“Um, the latter”

There was a little flicker behind her eyes, something she was avoiding telling me, but I decided to leave it there.

“So, this meal isn’t going to be pizza, curry or Chinese, then?”

She shook her head, grinning.

“You forgotten what night it is?”

“Oh! Of course! Meal there, then? At the Cow? Then the usual? Oh… Kitzy?”

That girl looked up from what had been a steady inspection of her shoes.

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry, but we’re making all these decisions about where to eat, and nobody’s really asked you. You okay coming out with our families? I mean, you’ve stopped in the bunkhouse before, but this is just us”

To my gratification, she looked up at Lee for agreement before nodding.

“Same pub we went to that time?”

“Yes”

“But not planning on climbing wet slate tomorrow, then?”

I looked over towards the thick clouds smothering the mountains, then shook my head.

“I am not going to ask if I look stupid!”

“All right, then. Are we dumping our kit first? Time to grab a shower?”

Alys waved a hand.

“Grab what you need, change of clothes and toiletries and stuff. We’ve laid bedding out for you ready, and I’ll add another set for you. Decent showers in the bunkhouse, and I should know as I’ve spent enough time cleaning them”

She looked straight at me, raising an eyebrow.

“And? Who do you think covered your work while you were playing in the snow?”

I had no suitably scathing reply to that one, on the simple basis that it was true, so I simply asked what the mothers had planned. Nansi replied.

“Nothing special. We get down to the Cow early, they do us a meal, your harp is there ready, assuming you can remember how to play it…”

“Mam!”

She was grinning, and I had a sudden surge of warmth and love.

HOME home, indeed.

The two women ran us all over to our shared house, which surprised me in its complete lack of mustiness, and I realised that Alys must have been keeping more than one set of housework in hand, and all the way through our conversation and the short drive, Tref and Jordan just grinned and nodded their agreement. As we dumped our bags in our rooms before ferreting through them to find what Alys had suggested, I collared all four on the stairs. Tref was chuckling by then.

“Your girl, Enfys: like a married couple, you are!”

That actually cut so close to home I had to struggle not to wince in a visible way. The Cairngorms trip had been a superb experience, apart from my nose, but I had missed Alys dreadfully, more so because we had been living as a couple for long enough by then for it to seem the default, the right and proper way our lives should be lived, and yet I knew that we would soon be spending the best part of a year apart. Could I cope?

Leave it, Hiatt. Not the right time. I found a smile for him, one that felt cheeky enough for the moment.

“Not complaining, am I? Get your kit sorted, and we’ll be off. Kitz?”

“Um, yeah?”

“Not going to make any assumptions here, but we’re out od spare beds. I can sort the sofa out for when we get back, if that suits?”

She blushed bright pink, before answering the hanging question.

“Lee… I…”

I spoke up before she could make it worse for herself.

“That door there, then. Downstairs in ten minutes, ready to go?”

A wordless nod, and I was off to pack my own necessities. Let them find their own way.

Downstairs again, and then into the cars, and it felt odd heading back up the A5, as if I hadn’t been to Bethesda for an aeon. The rain got heavier the further we went, and by Tregarth it was absolutely hammering down. I remembered a phrase I had found in French, that it was ‘raining like a pissing cow’, and the giggles finally set in so badly that I had to explain it to Mam, and it was actually my own lover who asked the traditional question about how old I actually was, and so Tref’s comment came back to me, which just set me roaring with laughter I couldn’t explain without the risk of major embarrassment.

I was just about under control when we arrived at our place, that of my own family rather than ‘ours’, and as that thought went through my mind, I couldn’t dislodge the hook Tref had set there.

Yes. That was all I could say to myself, that it made absolute, perfect sense. All I had to do was pick the right time, and the right place, and so many other things, but I knew, as fully as I now understood I always had, that Alys was mine and I was hers, and it was no different from the way my parents had fought for each other, the way Mam had walked out on Dad rather than watch him be lost to her.

My laughter settled under that wave of certainty, and it was all confirmed when I saw the chunky figure waiting outside our front door, rain splashing his bald head and dripping off his beard. I stopped a couple of metres from him, somehow uncertain.

“Uncle Mike?”

“By god you’ve grown, love! Hug?”

Stupid bloody question, and I stepped forward to be held by a man who had been there for my parents, been a true friend to them when most needed.

“How long are you back for, Uncle Mike?”

He chuckled, eyes crinkling, as I realised how much older he was. Life was shooting past me.

“Old enough to drop the ‘Uncle’. Love!. Got three weeks before I have to go back. Now, Alys says you had a bang? Nice black eyes!”

“Really? Black eyes?”

“No, not that bad. If it had been a proper break, like mine, you’d have had proper shiners. Now, someone to meet. Ish!”

A young man, looking about my age, stepped out into the rain, Mike slipping an arm around his shoulders.

“Ish, Penny and Keith’s girl, Enfys. She’s Alys’s other half. Enfys, my son Ishmael. No, no big white whales were involved at any point. Ish, this one is another wallcrawler, like her parents”

The young man laughed, and in a slightly staccato accent informed us that we could “Bugger that for a game of soldiers”

He was of what I had heard described as ‘mixed race’, olive skin and eyes with a hint of epicanthic fold. There was clearly a lot of history hiding their, but he was… Mike’s boy, so I grinned and waved at the rain.

“My thought is exactly the same in this weather! Where are you both staying?”

Dad called from inside our home.

“Where do you think, given we have the space? Mike does snore, by the way, don’t you, mate?”

“I do that. A side effect of breaking one’s schnoz. Don’t believe Ish does, though”

That lad laughed, and it was an easy and happy sound.

“Yeah, Dad, and how would you know? I don’t sleep with you, do I?”

He suddenly coughed, shaking his head, then grinned once more.

“I didn’t mean it that way! It’s just that once Dad gets his schnoz bugling away, I don’t sleep at all! Are we standing out here in the rain all night?”

Hint taken. I led the others round to the bunkhouse, Mike pointing out where Dad had set up his bed in a separate room.

“He remembers our camping trips all too well, love. Anyway, what’s tonight going to be like?”

“Um, pub meal? Then the folk club. I’ have a harp now”

“So beer, then?”

Same old Uncle Mike. He watched as the others claimed beds and bedding before giving a little nod towards his private room. I stepped in, and he shut the door behind us, looking at his feet for a few seconds, then lifting his head to stare straight into my eyes.

“Penny told me about you and Alys, and about Alys and Neil, and, well, about Alys. What she is”

“She’s the woman I love, that’s all”

Another slow nod.

“Aye, that I can see. I just need to know if there’s any subjects best avoided tonight, or at all. Don’t want to put my foot in it. As to ‘what’, well, I’ve been working in both Thailand and Singapore for several years now. Enough said”

“Is that where, well, Ish?”

He grimaced.

“Aye, I suppose so, really, though I met his mother in Perth. Both of us a long way from home, and I’d worked there as well, which is how we got chatting, I suppose”

“Where’s she from?”

“She was from KL. Kuala Lumpur, that is”

‘Was’. Oh.

He indicated the bed.

“Take a seat for a few? Get this out of the way?”

I sat down, slowly, while he slumped.

“I’m going to rush through this, love, because I can’t handle dwelling on it, even though it was a few years ago. Two of us, on our own, foreign country. We clicked. We did the proper thing, and we did it in King’s Park, where all the good weddings happen. Ish arrived nine months later”

His face twisted, breathing speeding up for a few seconds, then once more he looked into my eyes.

“Maryam went home for a visit when Ish was twelve. We were in Singapore then, nice house off Portsdown Road. Old colonial place, kept by the firm. Swing on the tree in the front garden, mynahs everywhere, and ants. Walk down the path at night, in flip-flops, you’d find them hanging off you by their jaws, the big red ones… No. Back to the subject. Maryam was Malay, therefore Muslim, and that means that Ish is legally a Muslim, as he is half Malay, and their law says all ethnic Malays, that’s the way they phrase it, are automatically Muslim, and she had married a Yid”

Once more, a pause, then an attempt at a wry grin.

“Yup, not a big thing here, but as they say, Mike’s short a bit of skin, and… And Maryam never came home. Home to me and Ish, that is. I paid for a private detective, like they do on the telly, and all he got me was where she’s buried, after some sort of accident with inflammable liquids. Sorry. So please, tonight, leave that bit of our family history unasked. Ish thinks she had a car accident. Not told him the truth; don’t know if I can”

He wiped his eyes, the smile that followed it a lot softer, and then hugged me, one-armed.

“I know as much as I need to about Ifor Watkins, so I assume there was some sort of separated-at-birth shit about her family and his. Now, are we off for a beer or more?”

CHAPTER 60
My feet knew their own way down to the Cow, as did my family’s, so the others simply followed. I had settled into a linked-arms walk with my lover, because after Mike’s revelations I simply didn’t feel like letting her go.

My stomach was still churning. I was so, so lucky in my family, as was Alys, and once again my mind was racing ahead, seeing us all simply as one family. Sod formality: Tref’s comment had set a very deep hook into my soul.

The Cow had a table for us, and even though I knew the menu both backwards and forwards, I still spent some time looking through it for the benefit of our guests, as I saw them. Illtyd was there, so I went through much the same silliness about noses and black eyes while Mike got the beers and other drinks in, and as he set them down on our table, he muttered “Bloody Hell!” and headed off to a different part of the bar to speak to someone. It was a few seconds before I recognised the older woman whom I remembered coming in with those various girls that Alys and I had assumed were on a similar path to her own. The other woman, the tall one with the hard eyes, wasn’t there, so I assumed that Mike’s new friend was alone for once.

He was away from our group for nearly twenty minutes, and in the end Ish went over to him with the menu to make sure he got his food order in. The lad was shaking his head as he sat back down with us, so I had to ask him why.

“Ah, Dad just said she’s an old friend, ordered the pie, or asked me to. Hell. Enfys, could I ask you a question?”

“Course you can!”

“I… Dad’s got so much history here. How do I stop feeling left out?”

I stared at him for a few seconds as once again I found myself blindsided by another’s problems. If this was an example of my ability to do the ‘sports as healing’ thing, I was going to be absolutely useless at it. I settled for waving a hand around the table, the one that wasn’t being clutched by Alys.

“Do you really feel left out? By us? If that’s… I’m really sorry if that’s how we’ve been. It’s just, like you said, so much history. I mean, your Dad knew my parents before I was ever born, so…”

To my surprise, it was Kitzy who interrupted.

“Can I say something?”

Ish nodded, and she waved over at the bar, where Sali and Colin had just arrived.

“Those two over there, I remember when we had a group trip out here, tutorial group. First time away from home for me, it was, and I could settle into the climbing, it’s my thing, you know, but then we were out at the pub, this pub, and these two, they knew EVERYBODY, and it was really hard for me. Didn’t know what to say, who to say it to, so I just kept quiet. Then there’s the music, and I can’t even sing, never mind play anything, so it’s even worser. Worse. And then…”

She looked down again, a blush steadily deepening on her cheeks.

“We had an accident when we were up in Scotland, and it was all active stuff, and it was what we’d been taught, probing the snow until we found Lee and Enfys under the snow, and we dug and hauled, and suddenly it wasn’t an exercise, it was a trembling man hugging me so tight I thought he’d stop my breathing. Suddenly real, yes? There’s more… Not now. What I’m trying to get at is this is all new to me, the whole thing, and I don’t know where… No. I DO know where I got the courage. I asked if I could share their house, this lot, these ones who are so, so sorted, and all they said was ‘Okay. Where are we eating?’. That’s where I am. Sort of same place as you, but, look. Included, straight away. Not used to that, me”

Alys sat open-mouthed for a few seconds before she found her voice.

“Us? Sorted?”

Kitzy nodded once again.

“I was sort of following you around the Freshers’ Bazaar, when we were all new. I don’t mean following you that way, I just mean I was going the same way, just started a minute or two later. Not a stalker…”

Alys reached across to pat her hand.

“We know that, love!”

“Well, I sort of ended up earwigging, and when you did that thing for Jordan here, I mean, how can you say you’re not both really sorted? Anyway. Not the point. Ish, that’s what I’m trying to say. This lot just include us, easy as. And that’s two of us newbies here, so you’re not on your own. That feel better? Anyway, your Dad’s on his way back over”

Suddenly, she was grinning.

“For god’s sake, lad, they’re even speaking English for our benefit!”

Sali caught that as she joined our table, waving a hand at Colin.

“Well, some of us better than others, ah?”

Colin in turn waved a hand at Lee.

“Still better than that one at it, eh?”

Lee immediately started hamming up his accent almost as badly as Jimmy Kerr did, and by the time Mike was at our table again, Ish was laughing out loud, and I took a mental cap off to Kitzy. Well done, that girl. As our food arrived, Ish started to quiz his father.

“So how do you know that lady, Dad?”

“Oh, long time, that. One of the regular faces when we would come up here, me and our hosts. Some people you see over and over, never speak, but you give a nod, get one back. Think I first really spoke to her on Foel Grach. Ish, the big mountains behind the bunkhouse, there’s a path takes you out almost to the coast, ends at a big waterfall. I was doing a solo walk, from Aber, the waterfall place that is, to Snowdon summit. Getting all the three thousands ticked in one walk—all the Welsh peaks over three thousand feet high, that is. Real expedition job, planned a couple of overnighters, at Foel Grach and the Cromlech Boulders. Traditional places, those; if the weather clears, I’ll show you them.

“Anyway, there’s this tiny shelter on Foel Grach, enough space for one to kip comfortably, two close friends snuggled up. Got my bivvy bag with me, and so I take my time over the northern tops until I’m at the shelter, and it’s already occupied, Pat there, and her husband, so I just think ‘Bum’ and prepare to move on, and she calls out to me, ‘Didn’t me meet on Crib Goch once?’, so I laugh, and point out that we’ve both been in the Bryn and Vaynol together on many occasions, not to mention standing gossiping with Dafydd and Dennis at the old tea-hut at Idwal, and her hubby, can’t remember his name, he just laughs and says that her memory is sometimes unreliable when beer is involved, and sorry for taking the space, but they know a good doss site a few yards away, and the kettle’s on, and all that sort of thing”

Our food arrived as he paused, and after a mouthful and a sip of his beer, his mouth twisted slightly.

“Put my foot in it tonight, though. Asked about her husband, and, well, widowed. Me and my size nines. Says she’s found a way of, a sense of, a… a focus now. Got another friend, who runs a care home. Brings girls up to the hills every so often, and Pat goes out with them and shows them the hills”

I realised he must mean the hard-eyed woman, but my train of thought went off down a completely different line as Mike suddenly started laughing so hard I thought he’d choke. Once he had his breath under control again, he turned to his son.

“There is a place up the road, Ish, a really great beginner’s slab, climbing spot, they call Little Tryfan. Turns out Pat’s friend’s girls have another name for it”

Colin grunted.

“Already got another name—the correct one!”

Mike waved his fork.

“No, I know the Welsh name. Sorry. Anyway, says Pat, since the first time she took one of these girls past there, when there was some lad on the rock in boots, short shorts and harness and nothing else, the girls, well, when they are there in the Summer, they take a picnic out to eat while they watch, and they call the place ‘The Perving Slab’. Remind you of anyone, Penny? Oh, Keith, mate! Didn’t know you could still be made to blush!”

Ish, naturally, wanted an explanation, which left Dad even more uncomfortable as three other parents sat grinning, and then it was music time.

Yes, we all stopped off at Colin’s place afterwards, but I didn’t get a chance to speak with ‘Pat’ as by the time I had finished my second spot on the harp, she was heading out of the door after a quick hug from Mike.

That man might have spared us all from his snoring by using a side room, but his son made a very effective understudy. At one thirty in the morning, I remembered I still had the earplugs in my fleece jacket, and finally managed to drift off to sleep, wondering where to take our group when the day had arrived properly.

‘Perving Slab’

Oh dear. I would have to let my old sports teacher know.

CHAOTER 61
The morning dawned in a lighter grey than the previous one had offered, and I assumed that meant rain. To my surprise, after I had dealt with my morning necessities, it turned out to be a dry one, the clouds having retreated well above the three thousand foot level. I started a couple of kettles heating, and that, along with the sound of the toilet flush, seemed to stir people up.

I cast an eye over the big mattresses, spotting singletons and couples slowly starting to stretch and mutter. Lee and Kitzy were still snuggled and snoring quietly in unison, which brought a smile to me, but Colin was already moving towards the ladder, followed by a murmured protest from Sali about letting the cold air into their double bag. Once the first brew was ready, I passed a mug up to Alys before heading back to the pile of breakfast goodies someone had left out for us. Start the sausages first, before…. No. Ish had tucked into gammon steak the night before; no assumptions, Hiatt.

People did indeed stir, and I was given an assortment of morning greetings that included, to my surprise, a hug from Kitzy.

She almost whispered into my ear, “Wasn’t drunk last night; meant what I said” before scuttling off to the loo, and then it was Uncle Mike, Mike, stirring beans as I turned sausages and set the grill ready for the bacon.

“Got a plan for today, love? Hint hint, not going anywhere near slate”

“Suppose it depends on Ish. I mean, I know what the rest of them are happy with”

He grinned.

“He actually has a request, and a Go-Pro”

“For?”

“The zip wires. I mean, nobody was that drunk last night, were they? Not likely to see any breakfasts return?”

“Well… if I can borrow his camera for myself, yeah! Is that his thing?”

“Sort of. He’s done a bit of bridge swinging, and when we went to the USA, well, bungee jumping. From a helicopter. Over the Grand Canyon”

“Cachu! Sorry, but, well, he’s so quiet!”

I tried to gather my thoughts, but all that came out was something about climbing and ropes, and Mike grinned back at me.

“I know, love. We both spend all our energy in not falling off, and the idea of doing it deliberately, well, as you say, cachu”

“How’s his fitness? I mean, if we did a walk somewhere?”

“Oh, he’s fit. Where did you have in mind?”

“if we do the zip wire thing, not today, and whatever we do, Sali and the rest will know it. Idwal, Twll Du, Glyderau, Tryfan South Col and Bochlwyd?”

Mike grinned at me.

“Your idea of a short walk is, well, what I should have expected. Your parents have produced a monster! Will he lose all respect if I say he wants to take the train from Llanberis?”

I stared at him for a few seconds.

“Would it surprise you if I say that I, myself, have never done that?”

He laughed out loud at that one.

“No, not at all! It would have astonished me if you had! Anyway, zip wires and Snowdon train, then? Save walking for tomorrow, or whenever we have some blue sky?”

Bloody train. We did that first, Sali and Colin dropping out on the basis of urgent potato-peeling or batter-making, or perhaps just the potential embarrassment. The service wasn’t even running its steam engines, so it was just the roar of the diesel that pulled us up. I made sure I got a seat on the right hand side, with Alys’ little binoculars ready, so that I could see what state Cloggy was in. I really needed a sounder partner than any of my fellow students for routes there, and the Woodruffs were still on their antipodean adventure, but I could always dream, just as I had been doing over some of the more way-out-there slate routes.

Were there any castles near Chamonix? Or on Skye? I needed to ramp up my research.

Our tickets gave us just enough time to tick the summit cairn as broken cloud drifted past, drink a cup of tea in the summit café and post a ‘specially-stamped’ postcard, before climbing back onto the train for the run back down to Llanberis. I felt completely out of place among the tourists, and almost wanted to cover my face.

Yes, the café staff recognised me. Arsebollocks.

I felt a little better about things when I saw how Ish was beaming and taking photos by the dozen. As he took a rapid series of shots looking across Llyn Llydaw towards Moel Siabod, I asked him what he thought.

“Magic, Enfys! It’s so spectacular, and so wet. Those waterfalls at the start were wonderful. Which way do you prefer to come up? Train’s not your style, is it?”

I pointed over towards Crib Goch, where a few figures were making their way across the narrow part.

“That’s my favourite, Ish. Narrow in places, so some people don’t like it”

“How narrow’s ‘narrow’, Enfys?”

I held out my hands, about shoulder’s width apart, and he sucked in a breath over his teeth.

“I see. So the train is, you know…?”

“Yes. And a couple of the people in the café knew me”

He laughed out loud at that, and as his eyes crinkled I could really see my Uncle Mike in him, especially when he asked if he should start limping badly, just to save my reputation. That started me laughing, just as Alys came up to us, so of course I had to explain, and my ride back down was a lot happier. My lover was holding forth on the changing ecology of the summit, with emphasis on cremations.

“So their loved one passes away, and for so many of them, this was a favourite spot, and it’s where they want their ashes scattered, and when I say ‘many’, I mean thousands and thousands. They shake their bags out, or tip their urns, and the ash gathers into crevices, and it’s got more nutrients than the soil around it. This soil has very low levels of calcareous---- sorry. You don’t need the detail. I just say thank god they don’t do it so much at Idwal. Plans for food when we get down, love?”

I shrugged.

“Ish wants to do the wires, so depends on whether we want to see whatever we eat a second time”

Lee overheard, calling back a quite snappy comment about lower bunks after pub nights, and we were still chuckling back at the car park.

Ish did indeed have a helmet camera, and so did his father, and so, of course did the zip-wire place, along with a prohibition on using any camera but theirs. I was ready to bail out once I saw the price of the ride, but Mike just shook his head and paid for my session. Alys dropped out on what she called ‘grounds of sanity’, but all of the rest stumped up. Two hours later, and we were all buzzing with post-adrenaline excitement. I hadn’t been entirely sure when I saw how we would be strapped in, as it reminded me of the conversation about bungee jumping. It didn’t feel right to be giving all safety control over to someone else, which went entirely against everything I did as a climber.

In the end, though, it was great fun, and I did pay for a souvenir video.

The next day stayed dry, and we did indeed walk the route I had suggested, Ish once again laughing with delight at everything from the Castle of the Winds to the Cantilever, and astounded at the way we could pick out the sheer number of people thronging the summit of Yr Wyddfa.

“I see what Alys meant about the numbers. Is it always that crowded?”

Kitzy answered that one.

“First time I went up was at Easter one year. That lot up there are nothing compared to peak season. And they all want somewhere to park, and then somewhere to, you know, do their business. Couple of the quitter paths, watch your step. At least ash can be brushed off”

Jordan called out, “Can I say ‘oh shit’ now?”

Mike twitched a little at that, giving me a sharp little look, and I saved other remarks for later, as we started the slower process of picking our way through the boulder field down to Llyn Caseg Fraith and the Miners’ Track. It’s a really gentle bit o terrain there, despite the tiny cliff to the North, the little pond tucked into a hollow in the grass with the Track itself cutting slantwise over the clifflet. It’s a place to linger and savour the mountain before that final drop down into the world of the people I remembered Jordan describing as ‘mundanes’. He may have been talking about those who didn’t get his preferred style of fantasy, but I could see his point.

How could anyone ever stand in such a place and not feel their soul refreshed? How could anyone not want to stand there?

We had to leave it, of course, for that mundane world still held such things as homes and beds, studies and a future, but always, always, one that held the promise of more moments of wildness and belonging.

That night, we simply settled into the bunkhouse as a group of friends and family, some bottles and cans from the offy complementing a mix of ‘camp cookery’ and additions from home kitchens, and I felt almost as much at peace as I had up by the little lake. I ended up slumped next to Mike, as Alys held an animated non-argument with Jordan about SF.

“Mike?”

“Yup?”

“You looked a bit funny up on the top, when Kitzy was talking about nasty stuff underfoot. You okay?”

He sighed deeply, mouth twisting a little as he finished.

“Something Pat said, love. That little shelter is a bit special to her”

“On Foel Grach? Oh, you mean with her and her man, aye?”

A slow and deep nod.

“Exactly that. Apparently, she was up there once, with a friend, the one who has the children’s home, and someone had used it as a toilet. That one really hurt her, she says”

“I can imagine why!”

“Your lesson for today, I suppose. My question to you. Relevant one, I promise: what were you thinking back there? Just before where the Miners’ drops off the saddle, you were staring off into the distance, like you were in a dream”

I shook my head, smiling at the memory.

“Nothing much, really. I just find that spot to be so lovely, calm, aye? I was, the words, well: something like asking how anyone could stand there and not feel like I did, or even not want to stand there in the first place, and then I remembered something Jordan said, about people who don’t get science fiction. ‘Mundanes’, he called them, and it just fitted the moment”

“Yup again. ‘Danes’. Thing is, not everyone has that depth of spirit, of vision. Plenty of people up on the hills who see them as a place to play their specific game, and nothing more. Like the people who see a crag as the same thing as a climbing wall, and nothing more. They can’t lift their eyes to the hills because they haven’t got the soul to do so. Just remember that when you start work, Enfys, because as sure as eggs are eggs, you will come across any number of people who not only won’t, can’t embrace our world, but will actually shit all over it”

CHAPTER 62
We had the next week before the new term started, and as the other four had cleared off back to the shared house that meant a week shared with a friend I hadn’t seen in what felt like a lifetime. Mike had always been there, and after Mam’s rather fuller explanation of the role he had played in my family’s move, I realised that it was indeed that, my own lifetime. That week was filled with familiarity, as Mike revisited places we both knew so, so well, and I got to watch Ish as he found new joys in wild places. He really seemed to click with Alys, and to no surprise on my part, it was all about birds.

I got lost very quickly when he started on about honeyeaters and fairy wrens, but he did have time for the rest of us, especially when we dropped the other two couples back at the shared house and it was just four or five of us left to play on the easier rock in the Valley or drive out as a foursome to show the lad some castle or other more conventional tourist attraction. We were sitting in a café in Caernarfon one lunchtime, the local castle ticked, Biwmaris already done with Harlech next on the list, and Alys was probing Mike about the rest of his plans.

“Well, no surprises, love, but I don’t have plans to spend a lot of time in one particular town”

I had to laugh at that.

“Where god would put the tube if he was giving the Earth an enema?”

Ish spilled some of his tea as his father chuckled.

“Keith and Pen told you about that one, then? Nope. Be a flying visit only. I have someone to visit…”

His voice trailed off, and then he turned to his son.

“Got a bit of history there, Ish. Bit of… before your Mum, that is. Do you mind?”

“Ah. I remember Mum, well; it’s your first wife, isn’t it? Carolyn?”

“Aye, son. You okay with that?”

Ish reached out to take his Dad’s hand.

“Been thinking about it for a while, Dad. Trying to get it straight in my head, our relationship, me and her. I mean, we don’t have one, really, do we, but…”

He paused for a few seconds, then gave a hint of a smile.

“Dad, I’ve got you now. Mum had you, till, well, and part of you… I’m not doing well with words. Never do”

Alys took his other hand.

“I think you’re doing wonderfully, Ish. Go on, please”

He took a couple of deep breaths, a touch of Kitzy in him as he studied his cup, before he started speaking again.

“Been watching you with your family, Dad, and this lot, that’s what they are. That’s how I see them, now. And what you are, what I know, that’s these people. They helped make you. I think it’s the same with Carolyn. Without her, Mum would have met someone else. Er, I don’t mean another man, I just mean you’d have been someone else. I think… I think step-mum, second Mum, something like that. What I am, it’s come from you, and what you are, she shaped. So, sort of, she’s related. That work for you?”

Dad and lad spent a little while in the ‘accessible’ toilet to clean their faces, and then we walked back out to the seafront car park, as a much quieter Mike described his plans.

“Down the A5 and M1 to That Place, and then straight off to Sheffield by way of Suffolk”

Alys muttered something rude, and Mike grinned, almost back to his normal self.

“Did a couple of days in That London to get over the flight and tick the obligatory tourist boxes, but this is as much a trip for Ish as it is for me. He wants to see Minsmere and the Lost City of Dunwich. Wants to check for non-Euclidean angles”

Alys squeezed my hand.

“I’ll explain later, love”

Mike hadn’t finished, of course.

“Assuming no tentacles, stay with some other old friends in Sheffield and show the lad the Dark Peak and a couple of the caves, then York, Durham, Newcastle, Edinburgh, but we dump the car in Sheffield. Train from there to York and the rest, from Edinburgh to Fort Bill and then out to Mallaig. Wrong time of year to drive around the Highlands; you can end up with a bent nose”

Definitely coming back, that old Mike.

We ticked off Harlech, swing back via Cricieth for another, and it was almost like being back with Alys’ father, as Mike explained that, for some odd reason, Australia had a paucity of castles, and Ish needed some culture beyond his silly books. That reminded me of the earlier odd comment, and I nudged my woman for an explanation.

“Non-Euclidean whatsits?”

“Oh! Man called H.P. Lovecraft. Sort of a horror story writer, sort of an SF author”

Mike called back to us, “Sort of absolute racist bastard!”, and Alys nodded.

“Yeah, he was. One of his best stories, ‘Rats in the Walls’, name of the narrator’s cat, oh dear. Anyway, he had this sort of joined-up background to his stories, Cthulhu Mythos it’s called--- no, don’t even try to say it, love! Anyway, there are things outside this reality, and they can get in if the geometry is right, if walls meet at odd angles, that sort of thing. And lots of well, the things that come through, they have tentacles. Some of his stuff, he writes, wrote, about places where the physical laws are different. That’s why I think Ish wants to go to Dunwich. Am I right?”

He called back in his turn, “Yup. Couldn’t find an Arkham or Innsmouth”

Alys patted my arm.

“Don’t worry. They’re all places in the stories, just not the same. Pity, really: spotting whippoorwills in England would be a real find”

I was well out of my depth, as their mutual interests in SF and birdwatching collided in some really, or perhaps unreally, ways, so I just stuck with random comments on the rocks until we were cutting back through Beddgelert for the famous view of Cwm Dyli, Mike drawing the line at going even further and taking in Conwy.

‘Tentacles’, for god’s sake.

The weather did clear enough in the week for some climbing, but there was still far too much seepage for the slate. Alys took charge of Ish, using her Mam’s car for some birding trips, while Mike and I hit some old favourites of his at Tremadog and a really obscure slab in Cwm Dyli that I had never explored. Nothing above Hard Severe, given the time of year and seepage from many of the cracks, but it was still a chance to get some air beneath my heels, as well as an opportunity to poke fun at Mike’s technique. He was very, very competent, but everything he did was measured and controlled. I had been watching lots of the newer videos, or at least newer than the ones Dad had shown us, with climbers in the shortest of microshorts, and that newer stuff was all about dynos, where you coiled your body before springing for a hold.

‘Dyno’: dynamic move, or, as Dad called it, ‘jumping’. Mike, on the other hand, was an exponent of ‘extending’ and what he called an ‘udge’. The former involved relying entirely on balance to move from one hold to another a long way away, where the first hold ceased to provide any security as soon as the move was partway through. The other word, however, was a puzzle.

“Ah, Enfys, it’s a Peak thing. You went to Froggatt, yeah?”

“We did”

“Well, the next edge, after the walk down round the end of Froggatt, that’s Curbar, and the routes there are generally harder. One of them, the old guide book, it just says for one move, ‘levitate to the such and such hold’, and that’s an ‘udge’. You just ‘udge up’, and half the time you can’t work out how. Sometimes the best climbing is like the morning after a heavy night on the ale”

“Sorry?”

“When you wake up, look around you and ask yourself how the buggery bollocks you got wherever you are!”

Mike could never stay serious long, and when we came to the end of our week, and all four of us were packed to go our two separate ways, I was hit by a surge of loss. Always there for my parents, he had simply resumed his part in my life as if he had never been away, and now he was once more leaving, along with a young man that both Alys and I had become very fond of. It was a wrench, but there was still the promise of their return after the ‘grand tentacular tour’.

He used the excuse of heading for the faster coast road to drop us off in Bangor, followed immediately by the other excuse of needing to vet our pubs to blag floor space for the night for him and Ish, but in the morning, after a solid breakfast, they were off, and my horizons closed in once again.

Six of us were slumped around the living room that afternoon, Kitzy looking a little out of sorts, and once again it was Alys who picked up the undercurrents.

“Nerves, Kitz?”

The smaller girl nodded.

“Dad’s due down with a load of my stuff, and I don’t know what… I still haven’t told him about Lee and me”

That man slipped an arm over her shoulders for a squeeze.

“I’ve got an idea, Enfys, but it’s a big ask, like”

Alys put a finger to my lips.

“Then ask, Lee”

“Um… I don’t know… Boys, it’s you two as well. Plan is, sort of, I bugger off till her Dad’s gone, so I was hoping to use your family’s place, Enfys that is, her family. The bunkhouse. There’s a bus from Bethesda here. Four of you sharing, her Dad can assume, you know, two couples but not the way it really is…”

Alys started laughing first, followed by Tref, and the two of them had some of those moments where the laughter stops, the laughers stare at each other for a couple of seconds, then start hooting again.

I stared at Lee till he blushed, and then asked the obvious question.

“You want me to pretend to be straight?”

Tref stopped snorting long enough to point out that he had done that all his life, which brought a sharp retort from his own lover.

“Yes, but you were utterly shit at it!”

Once we had got the jokes out of the way, I rang Mam. We had a Plan. I still pointed out to the lads that it didn’t matter which one I pretended to be ‘with’, there was no chance whatsoever of me wearing a dress for it.

CHAPTER 63
I was more than a little nervous as we waited for the arrival of Kitzy’s father. We were sitting on the sofa and armchairs in a way that felt profoundly artificial, and all I could imagine was that it was all too obvious. I couldn’t see anyone in possession of any working braincells missing how Alys and I moved in each other’s presence, even if Tref and his boy didn’t slip up.

We sat awkwardly, in my case trying to read the latest edition of ‘Climber’, Alys working through the Simpson and Day (I saw the cover) guide to Australian birds, and both of us still came close to dropping our literature when the doorbell rang.

Kitzy gave us as sly a grin as her own nerves allowed, whispering “Me that’s supposed to be worried here” as she went to answer the door.

She was back a few seconds later, a stocky man hand in hand with her, followed by an equally short woman.

“Mam, Dad: Tref, Jordan, Enfys, Alys. This is their place, or at least it was, sort of, if I move in properly, oh, you know what I mean”

Mr Salter held a hand out to Jordan first, the sexist sod.

“Hello son. Dave Salter, and she who must be obeyed is Linda. Could we have a look round, and then a cuppa, he hinted heavily?”

Jordan looked across to Tref, then turned his gaze to my own girl.

“Do the honours, love?”

He was at least doing his best, but that meant I would have to play girlfriend to Trefor. I rose with Alys so that our own role as handmaidens to the patriarchal overlord could be maintained, and the two of us went into the kitchen to fill the kettle and fulfil our wifely function. Alys shut the door behind us, so I was more than a little surprised when Linda Salter opened it again, closing it after herself.

“He takes two sugars, milk in first. No sugar for me; don’t care when the milk goes in”

She paused for a couple of breaths before asking her next question.

“What’s going on here?”

I looked at Alys for reassurance before replying, and Mrs Salter waved a hand at us.

“None of you is good at acting, so I will put my cards on the table”

She reached over as the kettle boiled, checked the pot for tea bags and then filled it with boiling water, settling the lid and the cosy.

“Done. Important stuff cleared away, okay? Now, you two lezzers?”

I simply knew my jaw was swinging loose, so she gave another wave of her hand.

“Me? Do I care? Him? Bit traditional, he is. Now, shall we start again, and don’t worry, all I am concerned about is my girl out there, so please just answer one question: is she happy?”

Alys reached across to take my hand, as Mrs Salter gave a sharp nod of confirmation.

“I think, I believe, that she is, Mrs Salter”

“Linda, please. Those two boys?”

I shrugged, and Linda chuckled.

“He’d have a bloody fit, would my Dave. Who is Lee?”

How the hell did she know… once again she waved a hand.

“While Dave was doing the man of the house thing, I had a quick look at the mail by the front door. More than one letter for him, so not a misdelivery, and so I am adding numbers up and arriving at three times two. Am I on the money?”

Alys rescued me from an answer.

“I can’t say anything about Kitzy’s private life, Linda”

“Please pour the tea, love. He’ll be back soon, and we’ll have to go back to playing games. One question. No, two: is she happy, and is he a good man?”

Once again, Alys took the lead, and I was impressed once more by her confidence, sideswiped yet again by a wave of love for her.

“Lee is a diamond, Linda. One day, we will sit together and we will explain how they…”

Suddenly, she started laughing, and after a moment of struggle, she got out “Lee was sleeping with Enfys at the time”, before losing things completely.

I turned to Linda, holding my arms wide in an attempt at explanation, or damage limitation or something.

“Ignore my lover here. Lee and I were in a snow hole, which collapsed. Kitzy was one of those who saved our lives. We owe her that, for starters, and then she is herself a diamond of a woman, and so, well, this little pretence”

Linda stared at us both for another few seconds, then smiled.

“Thank you both. I don’t think I will be able to engineer a quiet meeting with Lee, but I will have a word with my girl before we go. They’re back downstairs now; I can hear them. Bring the tea, and remember you aren’t a couple for now”

She paused, yet again.

“Just a thought… Lee? Male or female?”

Alys laughed.

“Very much male, Linda”

“Thank god for that. It’ll make it easier for Dave”

Another shrug from her.

“So I know my little girl, and she has always been as bad an actor as you two. You on the same course as her?”

Alys answered for both of us, after a quick check on me.

“All except myself, Linda. I’m doing ecology stuff”

“Hmmm… and who has the bunkhouse?”

Ye gods, she was well-informed. As my eyes widened, she grinned, and I could suddenly see her daughter in her smile.

“She sent us some group pictures. Got one on my phone. Hang on… Lee in this shot?”

I moved next to her, confirming that the bunkhouse was sort of mine, and pointed at the lad, where he sat a couple of places away from Kitzy in a shot from our night out at the Cow.

“That’s him there. Night out at our local pub, folk club”

“Folk? Oh dear--- don’t mention that to Dave. He’s into Mud and Showaddywaddy”

Alys’ turn to shudder. I raised the obvious eyebrows of enquiry, and Linda shrugged once more.

“Me? Michael Bolton, Three Tenors, that sort of thing. Oh: and Show of Hands. Bring the cups, girls, and let’s get this game played. Last thing: he’s a nice looking lad. You guarantee he’s sound?”

We both nodded, Alys gathering the tray as I pulled the door open, ‘Dave’ in full flow to the other two men about drainpipes and gutters. My girl set the tray down on the coffee table, and we settled into armchairs and sofa, Alys making sure she sat well away from me, as I am sure she understood how automatic my reflex was in setting a hand to her knee or thigh. Ut was hard work, and I was relieved beyond words when, after The Men had finished carrying in Kitzy’s belongings, Mr and Mrs salter finally closed the doors of their car, clicked in their seatbelts and set off for the Expressway. Tref made the first comment, echoed by all of us in one way or another.

“Thank fuck they’re gone! Sorry, Kitz, not meant like that, but, well!”

I saw him reach out for Jordan’s hand, so I followed suit with my own beloved, and the world was immediately so much better a place. Jordan shook his head, then looked at his watch.

“Seven o’clock, people. Shall we eat at the pub?”

There were no objections, and while we started the night in one of the traditional student places with a two-course meal of nachos and burgers, we ended up, on Jordan’s insistence, in the Marquis of Granby, probably the pinkest, queerest pub in Bangor.

As he dragged Tref up to dance to some shit disco thing, and Kitzy went to the bar to buy her round, I snuggled up to Alys and asked an obvious question.

“What on Earth happened to that shy gay boy stuck in the closet?”

As a first reply, I received a kiss that I had been longing for throughout the parental visit, and then a whispered comment.

“I think we sort of kicked the door in, love. Now, I have just had a text. Let’s not warn the others”

She showed me her phone, and the text messages between her and Lee.

Nearly in Bangor. K’s parents gone?

All clear. All of us in Granby

OK. See you there

Lee’s timing was utter perfection. As the last drink of Kitzy’s order was delivered, Lee put an arm around her waist, and I could guess the conversation. She said something to the barman, who reached for another pint glass, before she turned and wrapped herself around her own man for a very, very public and unrestrained display of affection.

Lee helped her carry over the glasses, settling himself next to her after a round of hugs and a wave of his pint to two sweaty men busily shaking their bits. Those two joined us a few moments later, almost draining their pints in one, and then it was six of us, slumped together, happily divided, as Linda had put it, into three times two.

Life was good!

CHAPTER 64
We clicked back into our courses as if we had never been away, my slightly skewed beak bringing more than a few jokes, including one from our tutor. His was a cheeky remark about remembering the old formula ‘Grid to mag, add’ if I ever found myself following my nose.

Cheeky, but actually quite clever.

Thankfully, the time of year stopped us spending much time on or in the horrible wet stuff, although we did some canoe work in the swimming pool. Instead, there was an awful lot of book-based work, a surprising number of assignments linked to psychology and its relative, motivational leadership: how to persuade or cajole someone to keep moving when all they wanted to do was curl up on the ground and surrender to whatever was holding them back. Matthew, as usual, had a film or two for us, one being a deeply unpleasant reenactment called something like ‘Duel With An Teallach’, in which the accident scenes were horrifyingly real. ‘Touching the Void’ got an obligatory airing, and that one was all about self-motivation as Matt stressed.

“That’s the thing, people. Pick up your clients, students, whatever, and see them safe. Keep yourself going for their sake, too. And learn how to do it for yourself. That last one, think of it this way. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“You still on the Rescue?”

“When I’m not here, yes”

“How do you feel about dickheads? Idiots who go out in the wrong weather, with the wrong kit, or no proper kit at all?”

I found myself frowning.

“Not happy. Puts us at risk”

“That’s the answer I wanted, woman. You motivate yourself to get out, or down, so that the rescue folk, whether it’s mountain, lifeboat, whatever, don’t have to take those risks. So you need fitness, competence, self-reliance, if and when it all goes wrong. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“After all that, would you be happy leaving one of those dickheads on the hill?”

“God, no! They’re still people, aye?”

He smiled happily.

“The exact answer I was looking for. Our next session is all about lying to the client. No, not really, but you get my drift. See you all in a couple of days!”

He grinned as we all rose.

“And don’t tell anyone I said ‘dickheads’, okay?”

Food for thought, as were the imminent spectres of our exams and the events that were due after September. I lay in bed that night, Alys burbling slightly in her sleep beside me, and wondered how I would cope without her. It was to be our year of ‘work placements’, and while I was now securely in possession of an offer from Plas y Brenin, my lover was absolutely set on her Australian experience. I didn’t sleep well that night, and when I shuffled bleary-eyed into the kitchen to make two teas to take back upstairs, I found Kitzy there already. She looked at my red-rimmed eyes, and gave a wry grin.

“You not sleep either? Pot’s fresh”

I shook my head, deciding to have a cup to myself before taking a fresh one up for Alys.

“No, not really. Stuff on my mind”

“Crunchy exam worries?”

“Oh god yes, but more than that!”

Kitzy nodded.

“Alys told me, about her placement. Long way away”

“Yes… Long time apart. Not sure how I will cope, to be honest. I’ve become more than a little, I don’t know; just doesn’t feel right when she’s not there”

I found myself giggling just then, and waved away Kitzy’s little frown of puzzlement.

“Oh, just something Alys said, when your Mam worked out what was going on, about how I was sleeping with Lee!”

She dropped her eyes, lips quirking.

“Yeah. Not just you, in that place. Getting used to things…”

Suddenly, she was bright pink.

“No! Not that sort of thing! I mean the, the comfort stuff. I mean, it’s uncomfortable sometimes, cause he steals the duvet when he’s asleep, but…”

I put my mug down and stepped forward to jug her.

“Comfort in having someone warm beside you?”

“Yeah… and you missed a pun thing there. About someone warm?”

“And Lee is a warm person, for you, yes?”

“That’s it, Enfys. And he’s so shy, too shy really”

She pulled back a little to look me in the eyes.

“Remember that stuff in the personal motivation session? Imposter Syndrome? When they said that, all I could think about was Lee”

Another blush.

“I don’t mean ‘all I can think about, ever’, but that the whole thing described him so well, and it was like ticking a list of Lee boxes. How do I make it better?”

“How would I know, apart from what Alys does for me. Now, I have just had an idea. None of our placements start till after the Summer, do they?”

“They sort of depend on our exam results”

“Let’s just assume for now, okay?”

“Okay…”

“Fancy a group weekend away? The August bank holiday weekend? Music festival?”

“That the one Jordan goes to?”

I snorted, remembering his innocent comment about an ‘absolutely fruitloop’ fiddler, and had to reach for a square of paper towel to wipe my nose.

“Yes, the same one. We have a load of friends go there, and there’s all sorts of things, including dances”

“I don’t know how to do that sort of dance, though”

I couldn’t hold back another snort, and Kitzy passed me more tissue as I explained.

“From what I’ve seen, neither do many of those on the dance floor. Half the fun’s in learning, like me and Alys had to. Shall we run it past the boys?”

Another dip of the head, and the difference between Warren and her became even clearer to me. Warren’s handicap had always been his lack of self-worth, that imposter syndrome Kitzy had mentioned, whereas hers was what seemed like crippling shyness. Their courage, though, was equal. What is courage without fear?

We were on a roll, it seemed, for after I had taken my lover’s morning brew to her, and we had all stumbled through the day’s classes, it was Kitzy who raised the subject of the festival when we all got home, and her laptop was the one used by four of them to secure tickets. I was a little torn, for it would take away some of the ‘us’ time before we were to part for a year. Reason reasserted itself, of course, for there would never have been real privacy for us given who we were to stay with.

Job done, woman smiling and just a shedload of lectures and exams to get through.

That went to the back of my mind the next day, as Matt gave one of the most entertaining session we had ever received from him.

“Now then, you horrible lot, as promised, I bring you ‘How to lie to your client’. Officially, of course, this session is called ‘Maximising client engagement and experience’, but ignore that. Anyone got the original two-volume Ogwen and Carneddau guide?”

I put my hand up.

“Dad has, and I think I know where this is going. Photo of a second coming over a block, looking really gripped?”

Matt grinned again, and nodded.

“Enfys can now keep her gob shut for a bit, as…there we are”

He had set up the overhead projector with a copy of the photo in question, and it blossomed into full colour on the screen. Matt used a laser pointer to draw attention to the facial expression and position of the climber’s hands.

“Now, anyone else that knows this picture can also keep schtumm, so… Jordan? You familiar with this one?”

“Not me, no”

“Can you give an estimate for the technical grade for that move?”

“Um, without seeing the rest of the rock, and where his feet are… guessing 4c?”

“Any other estimates?”

There were several other guesses, all settling around 4a to 4c, while Matt grinned.

“Anyone here know where that picture was taken? Enfys, I’ll come to you if we get no answers”

In the end, as Matt waved me in, I had to say “Finish of Ivy Chimney, on the Milestone”

Ricky snorted.

“But that’s a piece of---”

Matt interrupted him, “---exposed hard moves to the finish, and around 1c in tech grade. Here’s a pic from the other side”

A new slide came on, taken from the niche at the top of the Ivy Chimney reached after popping out of the hole in the wall. There was laughter at how obviously simple it was, and Matt held up his hands.

“Yup. Hilarious. That photo was of a client, taken by a pro guide. It’s carefully angled, and makes it look as if the paying customer is really ‘out there’, and even id the man never climbed again, I bet he has a framed print of that at home. Not everyone can handle even the simplest of routes. It may be a fear of heights, it may be a lack of strength. There are many people who think it’s going to be really fun until they come to the reality, and sometimes even the idea of the walk-in is too much.

“So set yourselves up with an alternative, and with that an explanation. If your punter balks at the walk-in to the Idwal Slabs, there’s Little Tryfan, or even Chapel Rocks, and a tale of how the Kitchen brews bad weather, and those clouds look a bit threatening. No, Jordan: any clouds. Especially the ones that have just gone behind Tryfan.

“The other aspect is limiting ambitions. Let’s say you have just done Crib Goch, or maybe the circuit from Pen yr Ole Wen, and you are not confident on the hill sense or the fitness of your client. Find a reason not to head onto Lliwedd, or out to Foel Grach. In short, get them off the hill before they need Enfys’ lot and a helicopter. Lie. Lie. Lie. But make it credible and deniable”

He clicked the picture back to the first one.

“And if you are here, or somewhere like it, big up the route. Enfys?”

“Yeah?”

“Sum up the finish of the previous pitch, from a leader’s viewpoint, please”

“Oh, scary if you don’t expect it. You’re in a nice safe chimney, and then you pop out of a hole onto a very exposed wall, with a slight overhang to get past. Plenty of really good holds, but it’s all stress blinkers and head games”

“Right. So this complete novice, face all screwed up on the simplest of moves, has actually just had a real fright and is completely out of their comfort zone, am I right?”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that”

“Exactly. What we aim to do in adventure sports is give people the feeling of getting out of their comfort zone, of having an adventure, without either thing actually happening. Tref: can you define an adventure for me?”

Tref shrugged.

“Um, something exciting, something dramatic, with a bit of risk involved?”

“Not quite. An adventure is something exciting, dramatic, frightening, risky, that happens to someone else. It’s what Enfys and her mates in the Rescue go out to pick people up from. That is what we are trying to offer: the appearance of adventure without the actual objective risk. The skill of an instructor is to take their client to the edge of their comfort zone, and bring them back from it, whether it be trad climbing or a K1 in a white water section. And lie about it”

CHAPTER 65
We ended up borrowing the class minibus for the trip up to Shrewsbury, our housemates pulling out various excuses for coming back to college early. We stayed Thursday night in a Holiday Inn on the edge of the town so that we could get a decent pitch the next morning, and settled down in our rooms after a rather limited choice of evening meal.

The breakfast was adequate, and not long afterwards Jordan was steering us aimlessly through the town centre. It was only when I spotted a particular pub that I remembered the way to the site, despite all the big signs we had been passing. Some navigator I was!

“Turn right, Jordan! Follow this road”

Around the odd gyratory, along the river, into the ‘waiting room’ car park, and finally up to the area around the enormous Woodruff tent. Alys had texted ahead, and there was the usual huge teapot being agitated by Jan as we parked.

“Get a cuppa in you before starting the erections, folks”

The lads exchanged looks, Tref beginning to blush, and Alys simply said “You are worse than your sis in law!”

Jan gave a theatrical bow, spare hand twiddling.

“She sets such high standards to aspire to! Anyway, do the intros while I pour. Tea for everyone?”

Alys started pointing and naming, and when she got to Lee, Jan put the pot down and went to give him a hug.

“You’re the one who dug her out, I believe”

Lee looked at his shoes, almost echoing Kitzy in the pose.

“Aye, well, it was six and two threes, really”

Kitzy herself piped up.

“He means six of one and half a dozen of the other, Miss”

“None of that! Jan, that’s who I am. Steph’n’Geoff’n’Annie’n’Eric’n’Darren are out on their bikes, the idiots. Bill’s at the little shop for some more bread, and the three girls will be here later today, as will my own and her boy”

Jan grinned.

“Don’t worry about sorting folk out. You lot all know Steph’n’Geoff, am I right?”

A round of nods.

“…and these two already know all the rest. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“Any of these need a spare room in ours?”

I looked round, at a sequence of head shakes.

“No ta, Jan. We have our tents”

“Fine. I’ll mark out some space for Ginny and Kell, and then it’s time to relax before the first session. This lot know who’s on? Or rather, do they know who the people who are on actually are?”

Jordan held up his hand.

“I do. Miss!”

Jan laughed out loud.

“Yes, Steph told me. Don’t worry; you already know she doesn’t bite. Anyone else?”

Kitzy waved, a little nervously.

“My mum likes Show of Hands. She plays some of their stuff at home, sometimes”

Jan nodded.

“They are actually headlining Saturday night. When the others get back, we’ll sit down with the programme and talk the newbies through the who’s who and that. Now, drink up, and then get your homes sorted”

We did as instructed, before a wander round the site and then the first ‘session practice’. Yes: I HAD fitted my harp into the minibus, and while Alys and I, plus various Woodruffs and Johnsons, played away from the tune book, the rest of my friends simply sat and, I hope, enjoyed the sound.

We had the first of our ceilidhs after said Johnsons and the rest had arrived, and that was slightly awkward, as while Alys and I were comfortable in a set as a couple, there was no way Tref and Jordan would take the plunge unless one of the women dragged them up.

I could almost understand it; there is a lot of rubbish heaped onto gay women like Alys and myself, but it is almost as nothing compared to what gay men suffer, and women dance together at ceilidhs all the time. Steph understood, and almost giggled, which was never really her thing.

“First time, yeah? Me and Geoff? First ceilidh, I ask Kell if she wants to dance, and he complains about single men being left with nobody to dance with, and…”

I took the bait.

“And?”

“And we have never, ever looked back. The lads going to be okay? We can spread it about a bit, give them someone to dance with, and you could start by letting Alys go”

Arsebollocks, as Annie would no doubt say. Anyway, there was beer, and dancing for most of us, and the music was as eclectic and enjoyable as ever. I was delighted, as we finished off in the Berwick Bar, that Kelly had brought her bag of shaky and bangy things for our musically challenged friends to dip into, so that they felt included.

All in all, it was a bloody good night, and Alys and I ended up happily asleep together, wrapped together as well, and from the sleepy expressions the next morning we hadn’t been the only ones. Breakfast was the usual Edifice Special, and then there was a general dispersal as people ambled off in twos and fours for their own exploration of the site.

That was something that made me smile: it was all even numbers, couples or multiples thereof. The world was a warm and comforting place, and that was the way things should be.

Jimmy was there again for the Saturday, playing two sessions once more in the afternoon and early evening, and Hannah James was there in an all-woman group, plus Nancy Kerr and her man, and the music and the day unrolled like fishing line from its reel, the only distraction being the smiles on the faces of my newer friends as they succumbed to the magic of the sound, the seduction of the words. They were all amazed when Jimmy actually joined us for a meal after his first set, but as always with him, they were chatting like old friends before we had finished eating.

Our last event that evening, before we settled back into our seats in The Berwick, was Show of Hands, an old favourite of most of our group, and an only slightly newer one for my lover and myself. We found our seats, three people walked onto the stage, and I was lost in the music for the best part of an hour.

I sang my heart out at each chorus, Alys wept through ‘Columbus’, we all snarled through ‘Country Life’ and I found myself almost floating with the refrain in ‘Santiago’. When I looked around at our newbies, several of them looked stunned, while others simply smiled, eyes a thousand miles away.

We linked into our various couples once out of the marquee, Jordan sighing happily at yet another gig by what seemed to be his favourite band, Kitzy almost hanging off Lee’s arm as she came out of her own daze, and everyone else in our group in pretty much a similar state. It was a minute or two before I registered that there was a rather familiar man standing in front of us.

“Christina?”

She jerked upright from her slumped position next to Lee.

“Dad? What are you doing here?”

His eyes flicked over our student group, clearly ticking off the partnerships as being radically different from what he had been shown earlier in the academic year. Just as clearly, he was not pleased with the results.

“And who is this?”

Lee held out his hand.

“I’m Lee, Mr Salter”

“I wasn’t asking you, son. I’ll ask you to keep your nose out of things while I am speaking with my daughter”

He turned back to Kitzy.

“Well?”

“My boyfriend, Dad. This is Lee”

“I do not recall you asking me if you could start seeing him”

“Dad…”

“DAVID!”

Linda had appeared behind him, clearly having emerged from one of the toilet blocks. She was using a little bottle of hand sanitiser as she stepped past her husband.

“You’ll be that Lee, then? ‘Scuse hands, etc. Pleased to meet you, lad. Kitzy has said a lot about you, keep it shut, David. What did you think of the band?”

Lee was almost stammering, right back to his usual shyness.

“Um, very good, but, well, those two, and Jordan there, they already knew them, so I was a bit lost with the choruses. Still, got to sing along with them, aye?”

“Aye. Yes. David, our girl has not been going behind our back, as you will no doubt have put it. She’s been going behind yours, and this is why”

“My child---”

“Is not a bloody child, David. See Enfys there? Yes, you’ve met her. Don’t pretend you don’t remember; never works with me, does it? See her nose? She got that in an accident when our girl was on that Scottish trip. That boy there, Lee, he’s the one who dug her out of a snow hole, and our girl, there, she’s the one who pulled Lee out. She is NOT a little girl, and bugger me, I hadn’t planned it this way, but it is about time YOU grew up and accepted that fact!”

“Linda, this is for me to decide how---”

“I’ll change the sheets on the spare bed when we get home. Your job from then on, as well as making your own meals. As I said, about time you grew up yourself”

She turned back to Lee, the little bottle in her handbag.

“Hi, son. Hands are dry now. Will you take a hug?”

He stepped away from Kitzy for that, and it all looked firm, as well as honest. Linda grinned at us all.

“Not exactly how I planned letting all those cats out of their bags, but never mind. Bar is still open, and that’s a hint to you, David Salter. Looks like our girl has a lot more friends to introduce, especially that tall one with the dyed hair”

Ginny laughed.

“Why pick on me?”

“I don’t know, love. Possibly down to the way I thought you were about to deck my husband. I mean, he’s far from perfect, as you will have noted, but he’s still mine, and without him, I’d only have the dog to kick”

Tref let out his breath in a whoosh.

“Kitz, love: no wonder you’re so quiet! Ginny?”

“Yup?”

“You deck people often?”

“Fuck yeah! Well, no. Not that often. Usually just need a quick word. Smile usually works”

Annie burst into laughter this time, waving a hand at her tall friend.

“Linda, was it? I should explain that when Ginny says ‘smile’, it tends to carry a rather different message”

That woman shrugged.

“Works for me. Now, can we haz boozahol and settle down? And you two, Kitzoids? You play anything?”

Linda held up her handbag.

“I do. We only got here this afternoon, so missed some sessions. Got some whistles here. Don’t look at David. I can see all the cases there. Shall we get going?”

She settled herself next to Lee and her daughter, and off we all went towards the Berwick, where Jimmy was waiting in his usual way, a number of chairs secured by one of the big round tables. As we walked in, he laughed.

“Ye’ve got two mair! Whe’s these?”

Kitzy did the honours.

“My Mum and Dad, Linda and David, Mr Kerr”

“Ah’ve telt ye, lass, it’s Jimmy. And Jimmy’s glass is empty”

Steph did the business, and after the rest of us had sorted out drinks for couples to avoid the idiocy of such a huge round, we settled down and began pulling out our instruments. I just had some whistles with me, as the harp was not something we could drag to and from the gigs, and as I ran up and down a couple of scales, Mr Salter whispered to me.

“Isn’t that one of the professionals?”

“Jimmy? Oh yes”

“But he’s just sitting with you and drinking…”

“He’s an old friend of Steph there”

“I’ve never sat with… He is a very, very good player”

“So are Steph and Annie there”

His manner was shifting, and I could almost hear the gears turning. Sitting with a big star. Being seen by people who might see him and not just Jimmy. Stardom by association.

I didn’t care, really. If it calmed down his attitude to Kitzy and Lee, that was all I needed. Just then, a group in the top corner started playing some morris tunes, and the night got going in its usual way.

Arguments could be left for tomorrow.

CHAPTER 66
The night also continued in its usual way, and Linda pleased me by proving to be a simple player, competent enough to enjoy the sessions without needing to take over. She actually started a couple of tunes, both morris tunes I didn’t know, so she actually challenged my own playing. Good fun!

David was not a musician in any formal way, but he was clearly enjoying both the playing and his sense of personal fame achieved by sitting next to a Real Professional Named Musician, and I had a snort, remembering a character in more than one of my lover’s Pratchett books. A street trader, he offered various animal derived products but charged a higher price for those containing ‘named meat’. That was David, and of course I started snorting with more laughter at the thought of ‘named gammon’.

That laughter died a little, because it was coming to the end of the Summer, and that meant that I was shortly to lose my Alys for a whole year. I ended up putting my whistle down, using the excuse of empty glasses to break away from our little group before my expression cracked too badly. She noticed, of course, following me to the bar and laying an arm over my shoulder for a hug.

“What’s up, love?”

“You. Not like that, never like that. Just, well, so used to you being around, and it’s going to be a year, and, well. Don’t know if I will…”

I shook my head before I could stray into what was going to end up as emotional blackmail if I wasn’t careful. She hugged me tighter.

“Yeah, I know. Been a bit up and down, what with the travel problems”

“What problems?”

I felt her shiver.

“Got my passport changed okay, but I’ve still got to go through security and stuff, and some of the transit countries can be… Until I get my surgery, I could end up in jail, or worse. We’ve had to avoid Dubai, for example”

“I didn’t realise! Sorry!”

“Well, been taking advice from Steph, of course, but turns out there’s a non-stop flight from Heathrow to Perth. Not the cheapest, and it’s going to a stupidly long time in the air, but it’s the safest”

Stupid, stupid Hiatt. I gave her a kiss in reassurance before our drinks arrived, which brough a grin from the barman, and I left her to carry them back to our table as I popped into the ladies’. When I went to wash my hands, Linda appeared from another cubicle and took the sink next to mine.

“You okay, love? You looked out of sorts with your girlfriend”

I took a slow breath. Sod it; she’d hear it from one of the others, anyway.

“Work placement year”

“Ah. Where’s she going?”

“Perth”

“Been there. Gateway to the Highlands”

“No, the other one”

“Oh! Australia… right. Where are you going?”

“Staying at home. North Wales”

“Oh. I see. This will be… First big separation for you?”

I nodded, and to my horror realised I was about to start crying. Not good.

Linda saw the tears, and surprised me by not fussing. Instead, she turned round to lean against the sink.

“Nothing I can say will make it better love, but I understand. When David and me were starting out, he got sent to cover work in Spain. Course, being him, he drove, and I didn’t see him for ages. No Skype or Zoom back then, was there? Oh, I can almost read your mind, love! I married him for a reason, and under all that stupidity, he’s still there enough of the time to keep those reasons valid. I had six months without him, not much older than you lot are. It hurts. I won’t lie about that. But the reunion, oh yes!”

Suddenly, she was blushing and waving a hand at me.

“Forget I said that! Just remember you will be able to see her and talk to her, even if it’s only through a computer. Now, I think your mates are starting to get silly. Did two of them really fly here from the other side of the world for this?”

That was when I realised how self-absorbed I really had been. It was Shrewsbury. Of course Steph and husband would be there. How much had the tickets cost?

“Er, yeah. This is where they met, so it’s sort of a pilgrimage for them”

“You really are… Change the subject, Linda! Now, I think my David’s coming round to a better way of thinking. Jimmy’s been taking the piss out of him, and I suspect that’s down to your ginger friend”

“He not upset?”

“David? He sees it as an honour! Anyway, that dark-haired one with the flute? Is she always as over the top?”

“Annie? Oh yes. They egg each other on, those two”

Linda did hug me, just then, grinning.

“Back with us then, love? Good! Besides, that Lee’s been doing good work as well. He’s a lovely boy, and I do think our Kitz has fallen on her feet there. Come on back in; beer to drink, tunes to play, husband to take the piss out of. Can’t expect that Jimmy to do all the work, can we?”

The final departure from the site was a little emotional for ‘her Kitz’, because her father insisted on shaking hands all round, after a private word with Lee. As our bus headed back towards the coast, Tref was putting him to the question.

“Whey, it was weird, like. All about my intentions towards his daughter and that, it was like being back in the nineteen fifties”

Jordan shouted something about Lee being remarkable well-preserved if he could remember those days, and of course Lee reminded us all that there were ‘bloody films, like, some even in colour’, before sobering.

“It was odd, really. I don’t think he actually said anything, not anything meaningful. I don’t think he actually HAD anything to say. He just seemed to need to say something. Do his bit as a Dad, like”

Kitzy’s voice was quiet, as always.

“He said things to me. Not bad things, before people get worried. When we go off on placement, he wanted to know where Lee was going to be. He… He offered to buy me a cheap car, so I could travel if I needed to visit any friends. Can I just say thank you, to all of you? For being there for the two of us?”

Alys replied for the two of us.

“Well, you did pull her out of that snow hole”

Lee chipped in with a comment about having done most of the digging already, and Jordan made a theatrically loud sigh.

“How it always starts. They’ll be arguing about who gets custody of the Sticht plates and the Hex 12 next”

It was a very happy trip back, laughter constant throughout, and once back at our bunkhouse, we spent a while amalgamating all the photos onto a laptop, which travelled down to the Cow that evening, and the happy mood was still strong after Alys and I had dropped everyone else off for their trains home the following day and returned the minibus to the college.

That mood was a little different the day after, for I rode that little Honda all the way round to the start of the next valley. I mean, I knew the Brenin well, but as a user, and its inner workings were unclear. For example, how much cleaning would I have to do, and would I have to cook, and if so how often, and for how many?

In the end, the first day went smoothly enough, probably as a side-effect of my place in the Rescue, and after a quick briefing I took second fiddle to one of the regulars, Sue, as she talked a couple of groups through the mechanics of a sit harness, followed by a session cleaning and hanging up wetsuits and then an early evening class on compass work. To my surprise, I had found Ricky already there, so I was even less isolated than I had hoped. The first week continued in that vein, including some canoe work and a couple of group sessions on what the English called the Ricks and Racks, as well as Tryfan Fach. It was like being back at school.

A week later, and Alys and I were having breakfast in a hotel on Bath Road, the runway of Heathrow Airport literally across the road from us and, oddly, an indoor waterfall at one end of the dining room. I had run out of words to say to her, but Vic and Nansi were eating at a different table, so that we had that last little bit of time together. It wasn’t enough, and it wouldn’t have mattered if that time was longer, for it could never be enough. We had come down by car, the four of us, but there would be much more room on the return journey.

The breakfast was a good one, and the hotel had a shuttle bus to the terminal, where we had a slice of cake together with a posh coffee. I waited with her as she checked in her luggage, and then went with her to the security check, where we just held each other for far longer than could ever have appeared normal, before a kiss, and then my love was gone.

CHAPTER 67
I was back in the Brenin two days later. The trip back up had passed in almost complete silence, and it was only that evening that my self-absorption had lifted enough for me to realise that my sense of loss must be weighing at least as heavily on her parents as it did on myself.

Mam had been her usual self, bringing a mug of hot chocolate to my room as I lay dry-eyed on my bed. Sitting down beside me, she put a hand to my shoulder and squeezed.

“Seems like an age since we had that chat, love. An aeon. You going to be OK for the Brenin?”

“Have to be, don’t I?”

“Yes, you do. Got responsibilities now, haven’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Alys. She’ll be the same, worried about you. Your responsibility now is to help her feel she hasn’t betrayed you”

“What? How?”

“Leaving you on your own, my love”

“Yes, but she has the placement, the degree, everything!”

“She does, and I had my own job to do when I left your Dad”

“Mam, that’s not the same. You did it for the right reasons. Look at us now: if you hadn’t done that, would we be here? Would I even be here?”

Another squeeze.

“And think of her, then. She wants… She spoke to her own Mam, you know, when she first chose the placement. Said she wanted to be the best she could for you. Enfys?”

“Yes?”

“Nansi told me what you asked for, that birthday. Alys told her. ‘Wear something nice’, wasn’t it?”

I couldn’t help my tears, but Mam simply sat them out until I was dry and sane again.

“Enfys, my love, I know. Neither of you has been dealt the easiest of hands, but both of you, ah. You’ve played them so well. All of us, both of you, we are so proud”

We sat for a while in silence, before she gave yet another squeeze.

“Face wash and up? Club night, and your harp’s down at the Cow. And Neil’s here”

That sat me up, but before I could ask a question, Mam smiled.

“Yes, he knows. Took a couple of days off work, love. Cares about the two of you, he does, especially after… Well, he cares. You with us tonight?”

Duty. I sat up, squeezing Mam’s hand in return for her love.

“Yes. Time to get rolling, then”

“Thanks, love. Done a sandwich for you, and we can grab something from your friend’s place after”

No rain as we walked down, and almost as soon as I had settled into my chair, Elen was there, Warren in tow, and Sali, Nea, half my school class, and Neil made some comment about being surrounded by young folk, better hide his Zimmer frame, and so on. The guest act was from somewhere down Wrecsam way; it was almost all in Welsh. He did several Meic Stevens covers, as well as some from Ar Lôg’s repertoire, so I was dragged out with my harp to accompany several of those, and it wasn’t until the interval that I really spotted how busy I was being kept.

Elen and Sali were book-ending me, and it was the former who opened the can of worms.

“You’ll be missing her, Enfys. That right?”

I simply stared at her, until it was me that had to back down, her return stare being that flat and steady, and she simply smiled, a little sadly.

“Yup, I get that. We all get that. We weren’t sure, you know? With, about you two. Same as we were, well, start of school, ah?”

She looked at the others, and Sali continued what felt like a confession.

“Ifor wasn’t the only one, but how could anyone know her, talk to her, and not bloody SEE who she was? What she was? And then, well, lesbians, aye? What were we to think? But, well…”

Warren, as ever glued to Elen’s shoulder, chipped in.

“What they are trying to say, Enfys, is that they understand where you are. Without her, yes? None of us is blind, and we, well, we understand. Me and Elen…”

She took his hand.

“Yeah, not the most usual of starts, normal way of getting together. Half of that’s down to you two, of course, but I think, well. I believe I know what he’s trying to say, and that is that we don’t want to be apart, like you two, and we owe you, and we’re here for you, and stuff”

Warren nudged her, and she grinned.

“And oh yes: you’re a bridesmaid, if you want. November 20th, the Chapel. You started it, you finish it!”

Rude words burst out of me, as Sali and the rest just grinned, and when I had pulled my jaw back up, I had a sudden switch of emotions.

“That means Alys won’t be there”

Warren was still grinning, which confused me, while several of the others were struggling to hold their laughter, and I was getting more and more wound up, until Sali waved her hands.

“You lot are evil sometimes! Put her out of her misery, one of you. Elen: explain it to her!”

Warren put on a well-crafted air of bruised innocence.

“Just because I forgot to say which year! That’s not being evil”

Elen calmed herself, with some difficulty.

“Enfys, love. We aren’t all on sandwich courses like yours. Warren’s idea, and he can sometimes have some good ones. Our courses all over by next Summer, and you two will both be back at Bangor. Timing, yeah? We’ll have had our results, everyone else finished Uni, and there are still places warm enough for a decent honeymoon. Just, well, we’ll---I mean I’ll try not to let him get as hot as he did on that volcano walk”

Warren did the usual trick of waiting till some of us had a mouthful of our drinks before making a cheeky comment about unexpected benefits, and I was relaxing finally. I still missed her horribly, but the company I was in, decent people who also counted her as a friend, was picking me up. Home, and it always would be, and she would be back with us soon.

I might have gone a bit flashy with the harp that evening.

The next morning I was on Skype. That first call was a steep learning curve, but once we had the connection, she was there, in colour and sound, and it didn’t look like she was in a hotel room. I didn’t care.

“Hiya love. How was the flight?”

“Oh hell, love. I mean it was so long, couldn’t tell whether it was night or day in my head, and it was all wrong outside. I just want to crawl into bed and pull the duvet over my face, and it’s not a duvet, they call it a dooner here, and oh god I am missing you so much!”

“Where are you?”

“Oh! Mate of Mike’s was waiting for me. He’s a nice man, and, well, that Mike, is he always so generous?”

“Is he already back there?”

“No, but he has a mate, well, a family, and they’ve put me up. They say they know our parents as well. Mike’s been pulling strings. He’s due back next week, and I’ll be staying with him and Ish”

“Who’s putting you up now?”

“The Butt family. They live in Joondalup, somewhere north of the city centre, except they call it the CBD, god knows what that means. There’s a lake nearby, they say, and well, first bird I saw, at the airport, it was only a ‘welcome swallow’, and then some parrots, and stuff, but all I want to do is sleep, and they say I can’t, not till they do, or [‘ll feel awful, and not to walk in the park cause of tigers, and I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

I wanted to reach through the screen and hold her.

“Just a bit, love. Hardly surprising. Bit surprised you’re with strangers, though”

“Ah, it was like that first time at Shrewsbury, when Jan picked us up. He had a print-out of an e-mail from Mike, and another one from Dad, and their house is even air-conditioned. Not running now; it’s Spring down here. We’re off somewhere in a little bit to eat and stuff, and then they say I can sleep, but… Home? News?”

A little touch of cruelty took me just then.

“Ah, Elen and Warren. Set a date, they have. Asked me if I want to be a bridesmaid”

“Magic! When and where?”

“Oh, the Chapel. November 20th. All arranged”

Her answer came in a very small voice, a simple “Oh”, and I immediately regretted teasing her.

“No, love. Not in a month. Next year. They say they wanted to make sure everyone was finished at Uni, apart from us two as we are daft enough to do an extra year of it. I do believe it’s an invitation for both of us. Sorry; they played the same joke on me. Tell me about the place you’re at”

“Oh, it’s all built up, but it’s got lots of green places. Got a list of ones I want to see when I’m not seeing double, but it’s all so different. Different birds, different trees”

“Tigers?”

“Oh: snakes. They say I mustn’t walk around in grass till I’ve been shown the right way…”

My introduction to the variety of things that country held that could kill you if you were careless. We ran down the conversation in soppiness and nothings, until it was time for her to head off for her meal, but made sure we had some times set aside for further calls. I went off to the Brenin feeling an awful lot happier than I had, for while she wasn’t ‘here’, she was still ‘there’ in front of me, to see and to hear. I could, would cope.

Work settled down after my mini-break at Heathrow, so much of it seeming to involve drying the kit out, but Ross the manager was keen to make sure I covered as wide a range of activities as possible. That showed me that I wasn’t just there as a favour to a friend, but as a real and solid introduction to the profession. I spent quite a bit of time in the K1s (thanks, Matt!), and when my classmate Ricky finally joined us, taking over some of the walking and climbing duties, I was pushed hard on the dry ski slope. Three times a week, though, was devoted to my laptop and a long session on Skype. I heard about the birdlife, many of which came my way as e-mailed photographs, and there were accounts of the work at the research centre that left me lost in technicalities about saprophytes and parasites, soil types and salinity. I worked with children, many of them from local schools, and regularly saw Mr Lewis.

That wasn’t quite as odd as it might have been, for we had been treated as adults in sixth form, and after two years of University, I was a lot more relaxed about it. When he spotted me, he grinned, turning to his pupils with a cry of “Class! Here’s one I made earlier! Miss Hiatt here was someone I used to teach, but she climbs far, far harder than I ever could. She really does know her stuff, so pay attention. Oh, and I can guarantee that she doesn’t bite”

Work was interesting, often actually fun. Ross and Sue kept me on the right track, Ricky was funny, Mr Lewis was happy, some of the clients were lovely, and those that weren’t usually left us with some happy character assassination for our gossip, but not even our sessions online could compensate for a Christmas without her.

I got a real card, though, and it held several real pictures of her, including one where she was stood in front of a herd of cows, all looking absolutely unremarkable, until you spotted the emus amongst them. Another was of her, Ish and what I assumed was the Butt family, on a beach with the whitest of sand and the bluest of seas, two pelicans in the background, and my lover in her swimming costume.

Ten months more. I would get there.

CHAPTER 68
I really didn’t put much into that Christmas, but I really think everyone understood why. I was more than a little surprised when Warren turned out to be a solid source of support.

“Simples, Enfys. Never thought I’d be where I am, and now I’ve had the surprise, I can’t imagine not being where I am. Sort of, well, knew what I was missing, then found it. Realised it was actually more than I had hoped for. Don’t want to be without her, do I? Don’t, can’t even think what that would be like. What it would mean. And I know you have your parents, both sets, and all your friends”

He had paused just then, grinning.

“That’s me all over. El says I put myself down, and it would be hard not to, but, well. What I should have said was ‘all your other friends’, because you and Alys did so much for me. For us, ah?”

A huge grin.

“My fiancée, and it feels amazing to be able to say that word, says that I have issues seeing what she calls my own good points. I usually reply that she didn’t spot them till she saw me in nothing but my underpants”

Another, longer pause.

“Yes; I have to joke. Still can’t believe it. Don’t think it’s the same for you two, though. The others said it all, but I’ll say it again: none of us can think of any two people better suited to each other. Yes, we know it’s been… That there have been issues along the way, but that’s not important. She’s back soon, and yes, soon. Now: my fiancée—I’m going to keep saying the word---has ideas about bridesmaid dresses. We need you to prod your, um, beloved to get sorted”

The biggest grin of all.

“And don’t try and pretend you aren’t thinking along those lines!”

He wasn’t wrong; I just had to find the right time and place to ask that particular question, and even the thought had me trembling. Fear, or anticipation?

The Winter was a cold one, and my work with the Rescue hadn’t stopped just because I was now working in the next valley. It was a nasty season for callouts, and they ranged from idiots who’d got lost because of a lack of such basics as a compass to three fatalities, two of whom were recovered, still roped together, under that same cornice Steph had taken me through. That hit hard, but I was far more annoyed by one group of idiots who admitted they had been asked by another hillwalker what make of car they had, and where it was parked, together with some direct suggestions as to the required kit for hillwalking in foggy, snowy and dark winter conditions.

I was even less amused when we had a booking from what was supposed to be a group of outdoors lovers who actually turned out to be a stag party. They had paid extra for one of the centre’s minibuses to pick them up from an evening in Betws, which had turned out to be a pub crawl rather than the mountaineering lecture they had claimed. An awful lot of the beer they had swallowed, plus bits of whatever the hell they had eaten, was left in the bus, including down the outside of a passenger door, where one or more of them just HAD to puke while the bus was moving.

Horrible job, the cleaning, and also one suitable for the New Chum, apparently. Me and Ricky, bloody obviously. Both Ross and Sue made some joking remarks about commitment and team effort, but, well. Just ‘But’.

Curb that temper, Hiatt, and remember Matt’s lectures about idiots and humanity.

The thing about snow, of course, is that it melts, so we had a number of backbreaking stretcher carries for people who had twisted ankles or knees in the wet, but an accident isn’t always due to poor preparation; I could live with those. I still managed to settle into my life at the Brenin, even if I stank of puke for a day, and Dad’s little Honda was a godsend. I was steadily moved into a more ‘responsible’ role, including being trusted to take bookings. As the year slowly dragged itself out from under the grey clag of Winter, I was on ‘desk’ duty again one day, which actually meant more cleaning, etc, with one ear cocked for a ringing phone. It duly rang.

“Plas y Brenin. Sh’mae; dw i’n Enfys. Hello, Enfys speaking”

The caller had a Gog accent, almost Scouse, and I thought she sounded familiar.

“Hello, just making enquiries for a friend. I’ve stayed with you before, or at least my girls have. Woman called Sue sorted it. Is she in?”

“Oh, sorry, she’s on her day off. Can I be a little rude?”

“Can I tell you to sod off if you are?”

“Fair exchange is no robbery!”

She sounded intrigued, rather than actively hostile.

“Go ahead…”

“You sound familiar. Have we met?”

“Don’t know. I don’t normally stay with you; I usually camp at Little Willy’s”

“Ah… Which pubs do you use? Sorry, but it’s puzzling me, cause I’m sure I know your voice”

“Well, I’m Debbie Wells. Usually down the Cow, with a friend. Pat’s her name”

“Ah! Yes! Older woman; you normally have a group of girls with you”

There was a pause, and then she confirmed what I had suspected.

“Yes. When Sue sorted us that stay, it was for the same girls. Me and Pat stayed in a cottage over the road”

“That’ll have been Joe’s place. Anyway, sorry for the interrogation, but your voice, well; question answered. What can we do for you?”

One of the deepest sighs I had ever heard, and then her voice came back, quieter by far.

“Not me, love. I have some friends that need some space to, well, to recover”

“Hard times at work?”

“Fucking… sorry, love. Enfys. How well do you keep up with the news? I mean, sorry to be specific, but news about people who might not be totally approved of by the Mail?”

I had to laugh at that one.

“Let me guess, Ms Wells”

“Debbie. Please”

“Debbie. Are we talking about immigrants, unemployed, gay or Islamic?”

She actually laughed out loud, muttering “Missed a few”, before settling herself down.

“Gay, Enfys. At least for starters. Gay bashing, in Cardiff mostly”

“Oh hell. That organised thing? Police involved? I mean, as in actually doing the kicking?”

“You have it”

“Are we talking about some of the victims?”

“I’ll get to that in a bit. Some more stories, first. Same area. Biker war? Big shoot-out? Just say yes or no If you know the story”

“Yes”

“Big trial in Chester? Paedophile in a kids’ home?”

Something caught in her voice as she spoke, but this was clearly as heavy a matter for her as my two dead ice climbers had been for me, so once more, I simply said “Yes”, even though it was a case I had followed intently, because it had involved Stevie Elliott, that former leading light of my Uni’s climbing, running and LGBT+ clubs. Surely that was enough? No, There was more, and she delivered it with a sound of utter exhaustion.

“Last one. Big dog-fighting thing in Merthyr Tydfil”

“Oh god yes!”

“Well, this lot I’m ringing about, they are the police team that dealt with all of those”

“Oh. Sorry, but I can’t… I just don’t have the words”

She sighed again.

“The words, my girl, are ‘stress’ and ‘collapse’. What I suggested to their boss is a trip up your way, Do some sort of package for them, while understanding that some of them might just want to do nothing but sit and stare at the hills. Is that a possibility?”

“Debbie, I have to say I am only here on a year’s placement, but if I know the manager at all, then yes. I’ll have a word, as long as you don’t mind me spelling it out to him”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely. Want to sort something out now?”

“Not just yes, Enfys. Need to run it past him first, if that’s okay. If I leave it there, what I would like… Just a little bit of letting him think he’s driving things. Can we ring back in a few days with a yes or no?”

“Of course!”

“Thanks love. Really”

“They going to be all right?”

“Honestly? I have no idea. All we can do is try and help them get there”

We ended the call, and I found myself slumped against the counter for ten minutes, as all I could see once again was Alys, after her kidnap. Get moving, Hiatt: think up a package.

I wasn’t on reception when she rang again, and it was Ricky who sprinted from the front door, where he had been washing the glass.

“Enfys! For you!”

I took the phone from him, and of course it was Debbie. This time, she passed the phone to someone she called Sammy.

“Should introduce myself properly, Miss. Inspector Patel, based in Cardiff/ Looking for a favour, I’m afraid”

“Debbie spelled it out, Inspector”

“Just Sammy will do”

“Thanks. I’m Enfys. I’ve got a sort of package for you, depending on what works for your team members. How many?”

“Well, depending on how many say yes, about ten, all told. What can you offer?”

“Right. A lot depends on the weather, but walking at all levels, various difficulties of rock-climbing, canoeing, dry ski slope. Well, for North Welsh values of ‘dry’, that is”

He actually laughed at that one.

“Any less strenuous stuff?”

“Well, we have minibuses” that don’t stink of puke any more “And we can always sort out some more basic tourist stuff. Drive through the hills, visit to Caernarfon and Harlech castles, that sort of thing. There’s another bit I like, where all you do is lie down”

“Really?”

I was remembering Ish just then.

“Yes. Zip wire in the old quarries. No energy involved at all”

That brought a far more natural laugh, so I gave him our mail address.

“Send us an e-mail, Sammy. I’ll run it past the management, and we will do what I can to sort you out. That sound like a plan?”

“It does, love. Can’t guarantee dates yet; have to clear it with my own management, as well as the boys and girls, as they call themselves. Oh, and find some transport”

“We can drive you around if wanted”

“Ah, just getting there is what I meant. Not messing about with trains. Anyway, perhaps later, love. Thanks”

I hung up, Ricky looking at me with a touch of concern on his face.

“That sounded heavy, Enfys. Share?”

“Ah, maybe later. We eating at the Bryn tonight?”

“Why not? Tell you what: I’ll give my parents a ring; make it more sociable. They can argue over the driving”

In the end, Dad was tied up with some repairs to the bunkhouse, so it was just Mam and the Edwards who joined us, and we ate in the proper dining room rather than the bar. I could see people making assumptions about Ricky and me, but that was up to them. As we worked through a rather nice meal, Vic insisting it was his treat, I gave them an edited account of what we had.

Mam nodded.

“That’ll be that Pat’s friend, then. The tall woman with the hard face. And the …girls”

She looked sharply at Nansi as she spoke, and that woman nodded.

“Not the girls, though, is it?”

Something was niggling me, one of those half-formed memories that suddenly gain full definition, usually at about two in the morning, and then it hit me.

“Mam, Steph’s friend, Annie. She used to be a policewoman down that way. She might know some of them”

Mam looked up at that comment.

“Yes, love, and what I remember hearing about what she went through herself, this is a lesson in not involving more people than necessary. Now, pudding. I am feeling decadent tonight”

In the end, I did involve someone else, that night, via Skype.

‘Us’, indeed.

CHAPTER 69
Before and after that chat with Ross, I had spent some time working out possible combinations of activities for the police group, which led to some deep discussions with Ricky. He was absolutely serious about the whole thing, which gratified me.

“Simple, Enfys, isn’t it? All those lectures about adventure sport as a mental health treatment, and here we are putting the theory to work. I know you’ll be doing the same, but it’s going into a notebook, diary thing. How are we going to work this if one or more of them has bigger issues?”

I shrugged.

“Face that as and when and if, Ricky. Let’s do the smile thing, and I was thinking that this might be like that guidebook pic Matt showed us. What we see now doesn’t tell us what happened before, ah?”

“Aye… and Saturday night?”

“I was thinking of the folk club, down the Cow”

He snorted.

“Thought you were going to be nice to them!”

Sod.

“Yes, and letting them laugh at and with each other should help”

The party arrived in a small coach, and I helped Ross and Sue show them to their rooms as Ricky sorted their parking. Bright and light, Hiatt. A few were staying in cottages over the road, and I quickly gathered they were married couples. They all looked exhausted, and it was clearly not just from the trip. One, a slim blonde, looked my way as I showed them around, and her eyes didn’t look dead, that absence of life that fatigue brings, but lost. Debbie had been absolutely right in her warning.

Whatever breaking point they had, it was somewhere behind them. One younger woman turned her head as she followed Sue to her room, and as her hair moved I caught a hint of a large, puckered scar right across one side.

Not good. Not good at all.

I spotted what was obviously Inspector Patel, a wiry Asian-looking man with a very flattened nose, and raised my eyebrows in silent query as Sue introduced our team to the new guests. He gave a tiny smile, and silently mouthed the words ‘Thank you’.

As I finally set off to start my ride home, I saw the big man who had been driving the bus, leaning against the wall with his eyes shut. He looked at me as my boots crunched in the gravel, and smiled.

“You Enfys, then? I’m Hywel”

He had a strong West Wales accent, and I must have let my surprise show, as he held out his hand to me.

“Old friend of Steph, aye? And I know that Annie as well. Sang at her wedding, me and Dad. My cousin was this lot’s old boss”

“Ah! I was wondering how you knew me. Not really expecting someone I didn’t know to know me, sort of thing. Sorry!”

He let out a long sigh.

“No need, love. Tell me: how much do you know about what they’ve been through?”

I nodded, slowly. I already knew most of it, of course, but let the client tell it their own way.

“A bit. Guns and dog-fighting, wasn’t it?”

A nod, then a shake of his head.

“More than that, love. Paedos and shit. Tell me; did you know the Roberts? Out to Pont Cyfyng?”

“Lots of Roberts here”

“Carwyn and Angharad?”

“Oh hell!”

The case had raised a small flurry of excitement in Capel some months earlier, not really touching Bethesda, village life being what it was. Rape, in short. Hywel was nodding again.

“Blake, he’s the one married to Diane, who I know suggested this place, he was at the trial, the Roberts one. That cousin, this lot’s old boss? Mrs Roberts is her mam in law, so I have what they call skin in this game, aye? I think you already knew about the kiddy fiddler, but there’s more. They can tell you, if they want to. I would just like a promise you’ll look after them”

I looked at him, wondering if he understood exactly how much pain he was himself clearly suffering.

“Do my best, Hywel. Promise”

“Aye. Annie and Steph said you were a sound woman. They’re all off to the pub in a few, but I am going to walk down the road a bit. Watch the water. Be good if I could grab a bite here later, if that’s OK”

“Not the pub?”

“No. Let them have some time to themselves, as a team. They don’t need outsiders tonight”

“Give me a minute, then”

I went back into the office, collaring Ross.

“Turns out the driver’s a friend of a friend. He wants to leave them in their own company tonight. Can we sort him a meal?”

“Of course, girl. More on your mind, from that look”

“Yes. Remember someone called Carwyn Roberts?”

“Fuck! Sorry; inappropriate. Not that case as well?”

“Sort of, yes”

“Christ on a crutch. Definitely need to cut slack, then. Not literally, but you get my point. See you in the morning, then? Got you and Ricky lined up to take them out, those that want to climb. You can take them down to Little Tryfan”

“Fine by me. Forecast seems fair for somewhere higher, though”

“Yes, but this group is for complete newbies. Assessment for any harder stuff, okay?”

“Okay. I will see you in the morning, then. Oh---transport?”

“Minibus, with Ricky. Their bus and driver are off to Caernarfon. Oh—and Saturday night”

“Yes?”

“That idea of yours, about the pub trip? I ran it past Vern, and he spoke to Roger, and we’ve done some horse trading over tourist groups going off to Ffestiniog, and he will give us drivers for Saturday night. Our buses, so we will need a volunteer to ride shotgun. I know you’ll hate the whole idea, but, well, yeah?”

“Fine, as you already knew! I’m off home. Bye for now”

I slept badly that night, seeing the eyes of that blonde in my memories, and I missed Alys terribly. The alarm took me by surprise, telling me that I had actually been asleep, and as the little Honda whined up the hill to Idwal, I was grateful for the lack of wind. Toprope them to the left hand ledge, then possibly do the flake route with the extra-long 15mm rope. That would be a real drag… let Ricky do that one… Or maybe a rope of three to the first ledge, then up to the top, enough room on the stance…

No, woman. Get them there, see how they feel, let them set the pace. Healing time, not coaching session.

After a quick look at the basics in a classroom, the group divided, and we handed out the packed lunches after fitting some harnesses. Hywel was cheeky, as some of the party stood by his coach.

“Got that vegan lunch I ordered?”

Sod him, I thought, and gave it back.

“Couldn’t find any sliced vegan, but we’ve got some tuna, some ham and cheese…”

A snort of laughter.

“Steph was right about you, then. Where you off to?”

“Gwern y Gof Uchaf”

“Fine. I know that. All aboard the Skylark, aye? Bright lights and big city time”

There were four for me and Ricky, and I gathered the older two were the woman who had initially sounded me out and her husband, the one involved in the rape trial. One of the younger pair was the girl with the scar. I let Ricky do the talking as we rolled along the A5, pointing out peaks and landmarks as we went. There was space by the farm entrance, so we picked up our well-filled rucksacks and set off. By ‘rucksacks’, I meant one for each member of the party, because there was no way two of us were going to carry the whole lot of kit to the crag when we could offer it as a learning experience. Over the stile, up the slight hill, across the flat rock outcrop, and then round to the foot of the crag. The Woodruffs were, of course, sitting at the base.

Geoff’s cheeriness struck me as utterly false, but he was trying, and at least I now had a fuller understanding of what was going on.

“Wotcher, you lot! We thought some of you might end up here! Lovely day for being silly, isn’t it?”

Steph gave him a one-armed hug.

“First place I ever took him climbing, this is. Lots of memories round here. Gives us a chance to agree what we’re up to Saturday night, as well”

The younger man in our party, Jon, tried to look and sound angry

“Some of us are doing things with boats. Why not ambush them?”

Steph snorted.

“Bloody stupid game, that! You can drown in that stuff! Air I can live with”

Geoff was chuckling, his head shaking as he looked at his wife with the deep affection I knew always lived in them both.

“Yeah, even when it’s all she has under her bloody feet. We’re not stopping here long, anyway. Off round the Slabs for some longer stuff”

Jon was still pushing

“Slabs?”

Geoff’s face was even worse than Jon’s at guile

“Oh, a little way down the road. Nice walk. Like this place, just a little longer, and a much easier way down off the top. You’d like it!”

Oh you lying bastard! I had to turn away to hide my smirk.

We went through the rituals of donning the harnesses and basic safety instructions, while Steph ambled up the slab using friction and ripples, which is really easy on that rock, but still fun. I gave some final words before we actually got moving.

“Don’t reach up too high, ah? Your arms will get all weak, what we call ‘pumped’. Keep them down at shoulder height. Trust your feet. Ignore that one with the red hair, she’s a teasing cow!”

Steph called down.

“I heard that, Enfys!”

“You were meant to! Oh, you been speaking to Roger and Vern? About Saturday? The Cow, ah?”

“Hang on. I’ll just put something in, otherwise he’ll fret… There. Runner on, love!”

An “OK!” came from Geoff, and she turned sideways, her head resting on one hand, its elbow on the rock.

“Yeah, love. He’s doing a couple of minibuses for us. Be room if you want to come along”

“Ah, Ross is ahead of you! Done a deal with Vernon at the Pinnacles. Got a load of tourists want to go off to Gloddfa Ganol and Portmeirion, be back late. He’s got a couple of drivers spare, but needs the buses, ah? Vern’s saying to use ours, so someone has to go along to make sure nobody breaks anything”

Geoff started laughing at my last words

“Let me guess, girl: you volunteered? How’s it go: it’s a crap job, but you’ll take one for the team?”

Steph snorted, and carried on upwards, followed by Geoff, and Ricky and I tag-teamed below the left hand ledge, one to toprope, the other to ensure people were tied on properly, and to release them after they were lowered down. We then did some silly toprope stuff below the big ledge, mainly to let them see how small a useful hold could actually be, and then we started taking them right to the top using the extra-length ropes, which give tremendous rope drag, that being the reason I left those leads to Ricky. Once all four were at the top, I quickly soloed up to collect some of the bits the pupils hadn’t been able to extract, and then we went up the water-washed rock steps to the easier descent path. As the younger woman, Lexie, made her move, the wind caught her hair, and revealed the whole of her scar.

Shit, it was big, a groove across one side of her skull. Once we were on easier ground, I asked her.

“Lexie, sorry if I am being personal, ah? But what on Earth happened?”

She looked down, before giving me a rueful smile.

“I got stupid, love. You know what we all do for work?”

“Um, aye. Coppers”

“Yes. We have had a bit of a year, and this is all a bit of… This is letting some steam off, this week, finding ourselves, destressing. I got shot, simple as that”

“Cachu!”

I simply couldn’t hold that word back. I knew so much of their story, but seeing that scar so clearly really knocked me sideways. She just nodded, clearly understanding the word

“Yes, it was. Should have kept my head down, really, but it means I won’t be in the frame for a remake of Breakfast at Tiffany’s any time soon!”

“You OK now, though?”

She grinned that time.

“It’s like the climbing, Enfys. Had my team around me, all interlocked, inter-reliant, if there’s such a word. Lots of important stuff you can never do alone, isn’t it?”

Understanding stood up in front of me, smiled, and slapped me in the face. I dropped my voice.

“Would I be right in thinking that you are… If I say my girlfriend is away at the moment, that isn’t a come-on, but I am right, am I not?”

She nodded.

“Sort of came out when I started with this lot. Not sure, me, not at first, then I met Lisa, and, well, I suppose I must be bi. Doesn’t matter, though. Not the only one here, all loved up. Blake and Di there, and Jon, of course”

“With the blonde girl? The one off canoeing?”

She burst out laughing,

“God, no! With Rhys, the man with the scar on his face! Candice is…”

She looked away towards Tryfan, and I caught Diane looking back at us, a puzzled expression emerging.

“Enfys, the rest don’t know this, apart from Sammy, the boss. And don’t look at Di; I’m teasing her. She thinks we’re flirting. Let her do that. Lisa, my girl, she’s due here Friday evening, and she’s being driven up by another colleague”

Once more, a study of the Heather Terrace, before she turned back to me.

“I nearly died, Enfys. I was really, really stupid. I ended up in hospital, and I had time to think. This lot, they are still breaking. Candice is possibly the worst of all of us, because… No. Not going there. Man that’s driving Lisa up is Barry, and he is as damaged as she is. They’ve been keeping it quiet, but Sammy knows, and me, and the rest will find out when he gets here. So shall we have some fun, just to get their minds off the horrors? Nothing too difficult”

“What are you suggesting?”

Another long look away, and then she turned back to me, her eyes almost squinting.

“I think I really love Lisa. First time in my life it’s been more than lust, and I never expected it to be with a girl. You love your girlfriend?”

“She’s called Alys, off in Australia for a year, part of her degree, ah? Yes. No doubts there”

“Then, if you don’t mind, let them see us flirt a bit, just until Lisa and Barry get here. Give them something to think about other than dead dogs, men and kids”

CHAPTER 70
I followed them down, working through Lexie’s revelations. Hywel’s hints about the Roberts rape trial had hit home, especially that little snippet about ‘mother in law’, and I found myself revisiting what had happened to my own lover.

How on Earth had this lot survived, never mind managed to retain their sanity? I thought once more of the blonde woman, Candice, paddling out onto the lake each day, eyes somewhere I never wanted to be, seeing, remembering…

No. Outdoor activity as therapy, mental health positive outcomes et bloody cetera. Find your smile, girl.

I was a little adrift when one of them, the younger man, Jon, wrapped the two women up in a hug. I caught just a little of their conversation, but far more than I would ever need to understand how bad the last year must have been for them. I tried to smile as I asked the obvious question.

“You really have had a shit time, haven’t you?”

The man hugged both of his friends once more, his eyes looking a little damp.

“You could say that. We’re all a bit wound up just now”

He paused, looking at his friends before turning back to me.

“Can I be really silly?”

That intrigued me.

“What particular type of silly did you have in mind?”

“This has all been nice stuff. Gentle climbing, yeah? Nothing really strenuous”

Diane burst out laughing, and I started to relax, just a little. Laughter was good. Laughter could be cathartic. Keep it going. Diane kept pushing.

“Just a bit bloody high, Jonny Boy, like that Geoff said about his Missus!”

Jon shook his head.

“Not what I mean. Look: an easy walk up here, lots of climbing, lots of time to think. Is there anything a bit more energetic, something that would burn some of this angst off?”

If laughter was good, went my thoughts, that could work both ways. I chose my next words carefully.

“I think I can arrange that. Follow me!”

Dad had shown me that part of the slab when he first took me out.

“Nothing high here, love”, he had said, “But what we call problems. There’s even a decent hand jam. This bit is long enough to qualify as a climb, though, and…” he had continued on, explaining how the ‘problem’ actually packed in a usefully high number of techniques.

“I call it Curving Corner, but there’s no way I was first up it. Too obvious a line, this”

Someone, however, on one of the climbing websites, has claimed if. Called it ‘Nerd Corner’. Sod that, as far as I was concerned. It’s a corner, and it curves, and it is an obvious line. Pro head on, Hiatt.

I kept the memory flowing as I spoke to the coppers

“Nothing too high here, but there are a few of what the serious climbers call ‘problems’, ah? This is one of my Dad’s old friends. It’s called Curving Corner...”

I talked them through techniques, including jamming and the layback needed to get into the corner proper, and they were off. Ricky did the safety checks as I set up a belay on the rounded little lump at the top, and we were climbing. Jon was first, then Diane and her husband, and all three opted to take the route back and foot. It was Lexie who opted for the alternative, jamming, and my respect for her went up. If things had been different, I realised, if there had never been an Alys, then…

But there was an Alys, and for that I gave so much thanks to whatever had made that so.

Lexie, naturally, got some gritrash, which Ricky sorted and then explained. What else could the others do but try the same technique? It seemed to spark their competitive streak, which I realised was rather powerful, but they were laughing, and that was so much better than what I had seen when they had arrived.

Job done. They tired, in the end, so it was back down to the bus and the Brenin, Diane and Lexie chatting all the way. I just hoped that their souls could heal as quickly as Lexie’s wounded hand would.

Once we had them settled back at our base, I sat down in the office with a cuppa, Ricky grabbing one of the chairs as Ross did some admin thing or other. The younger man was pensive.

“Enfys?”

“That’s my name”

“Serious, woman. They are seriously messed up, aren’t they?”

I nodded.

“Yup. Watching their backs, mate?”

His nod was all the reassurance I needed.

The weather turned wetter for the next couple of days, so it was hillwalking for me and a few of the crowd, with a bit of time on the dry (ha!) ski slope. Nothing too strenuous for the walks, just an up-and-back on the Pyg Track, the snow at the top almost gone under the warmer rain, and then the Glyders from Cwmffynnon, returning to a pick-up at the base of the Miners’ Track by the Pen y Gwryd. The weather picked up the next day, so we split our climbers and I lost the toss to Ricky. He got to go to the Bus Stop, while I ended up, with the cheerful support of Ross and the Woodruffs, on Hope at Idwal.

By ‘cheerful support’, of course, I mean gloating from Geoff, as the full extent of his lies became apparent to the coppers. Four ropes of two, the huge stances on that route letting us move a lot more quickly than such an arrangement would normally involve.

The climb is about a hundred and forty metres of route, followed by what feels like the same distance again before reaching the start of the descent path, which isn’t actually a path for some distance but rather a downward scramble. Ross took Blake, Steph led Diane, Geoff belayed Jon, probably for extra teasing at the crux, and of course I took Lexie up.

The initial two pitches are usually combined into one, and are pretty straightforward slab climbing. After that, there is a pocketed wall followed a bit later by a hanging corner, and then the final moves onto the belay ledge before the ‘upward descent’. The problem comes between the initial slabs and the pocketed wall, where a tongue of rock leads by parallel cracks to a huge flake. Unfortunately, after over a century of climbing the route, it is extremely polished.

We all got up, probably with some rather tight ropes for a couple of our seconds, and I noticed some seriously critical looks at a grinning Mister Woodruff.

“What? Steph did it to me the first time! It’s traditional climbing, after all, and that is very traditional”

His wife called down from her stance at the base of the corner pitch.

“First ascent was by a woman, anyway, and it was on-sight”

Really? I hadn’t known that, and resolved to look it up when I had time, but right then I was enjoying the final pitch, which is a really, really easy one in the most delightful of positions, giving a wonderful ‘way out there’ feel. To me, it is one of those pitches that either hooks you on climbing for the rest of your life or demonstrates that you have no soul at all.

I may, of course, be a little biased.

The ‘up then down’ descent route brought more snarky comments directed at Geoff, but he simply grinned and made sure he was ready to lend a hand at each tricky bit. Once we were down at the base of the Slabs once more, he looked round the group, shrugged, and asked “What?”, at which his wife slapped his arse before corpsing with laughter.

I think the rest forgave him after the next day, on which Ricky and I took all of the coppers and their driver along the Horseshoe from Pen y Pass, the Woodruffs once again ‘just happening’ to be there in time to join us. My surprise on that trip was that it was the big man, Blake, who wobbled slightly at the start of the narrow bit, and it was one of his colleagues, the scar-faced man, who talked him across.

Teamwork.

We ground up the long ridge to the trig point on Carnedd Ugain, then down to the last slog up next to the railway line for a cuppa in the summit café. I don’t like the start of the Watkin Path, as it is horribly eroded and loose, so I was almost pleased when Ricky led me outside and pointed over towards Moel Hebog, or rather where that hill usually sat.

“That clag’s moving this way, Enfys. Time to bail?”

I watched the clouds for a couple of seconds before agreeing.

“That looks pretty evil to me, Ricky. PYG all the way or Miners’ Path?”

“Oh, get them down to the junction and decide there?”

“Works for me. Time to kick them out of the café, then”

We were a little short of the junction when the rain and wind arrived. I called them into a huddle.

“We need to get down sharpish. Not to the car park so much as to a lower altitude, so we are going down to join the easier path, which is some way below us. Now, this area of hill can be dangerous, as there are trial levels everywhere—big trenches cut into the rock to look for copper ore. Stay together as a group, please; no looking for shortcuts”

I ended up really pleased with their discipline, which I suppose shouldn’t have surprised me. The wind was building steadily, and as we emerged from the end of Cwm Dyli, by Llyn Teyrn, it really caught us, along with an almost Biblical quantity of rain. The path is almost flat there, and well surfaced, but the cloudbase was dropping swiftly. A close thing, and it fitted so well with something Mr Lewis had said years ago: better coming down upright than horizontal.

We piled into the bus for the trip back, windows steamed up and the whole thing rocking in the wind, and once we were back at the Brenin there were queues for showers, and an hour later we gathered in the bar for tea. I had been unsure at that, intending to leave them to their privacy, but Lexie insisted, and I simply sat in a corner, smiled, and tried to work out some of the in-jokes.

We did have the new arrivals Lexie had promised, yet another very big man, along with Lexie’s Lisa. That big man, Barry, was now clearly with the blonde I had been worrying about, and as her team teased her, I was studying her expression, which had changed from that emptiness to a real embarrassment. A drowning woman, resigned to her fate, suddenly finding a lifeline.

That metaphor shook me, for she had spent almost all of her time with us actually away from us, out on the water. Close those thoughts down, Enfys. What left me wobbling in my own way was watching Lexie and Lisa together, for the affection, the love, was so clear, so obvious, and it hit a vulnerable spot in me very, very hard.

I knew who I loved, and I knew absolutely why I loved her, as well as the fact that she loved me. Naturally, as is the way in such things, I couldn’t see why she loved me, but never mind. What struck me then was that old chestnut of ‘not just me’, especially from my viewpoint as ‘the only lesbian in the village’. Yes, I know it takes two in such cases, but Alys was away…

That was another moment of insight, as I realised that I had never been that ‘only lesbian’, precisely because of Alys. How would I have coped without her, considering how hard I was finding it doing exactly that?

Sleep wasn’t easy that night.

I persuaded several of them to go on the zipwire rides the next day, showing them how much fun it was by way of some of my helmet camera footage, along with some Ish had mailed me,, but for some odd reason more than a few didn’t seem to fancy the idea. Strange, that. Clearly, some people lack any sense of adventure.

That week, the club at the Cow was on a Saturday, as they had managed to get Jimmy Kerr for a main act. After a meal, we rode down in the buses, a larger group than I had expected, and I pointed out the usual spots, such as where the speed trap was normally set up and, after a wink to Lexie, the direction of my house. I am sure I heard a sniff from Diane, but Lisa was having to stifle giggles.

Jimmy was waiting in the Cow, doing his usual ‘tweedy old man’ act, but his greetings to Steph’n’Geoff were as genuine as ever. I settled back in one of our reserved seats, a glass of white wine to hand, and simply watched my guests, customers… I just watched my new friends relax in a visible way.

Jimmy was also as entertaining as ever, but to my delight and surprise, some of the coppers did floor spots. Four of them joined Hywel to sing the song I had suggested to that Gog woman’s friends, ‘A Miner’s Life’, which went down a storm, as it always does in the Cow, and my blonde and the woman called Ellen did a cover of one of Mam’s favourite Suzanne Vega songs, ‘Calypso’.

Dil had my harp ready, of course, as Mam had dropped it down the day before, so we finished off the evening with a group performance--- Jimmy and Steph on fiddles, Geoff on octave mandolin and me on my own cherished instrument. The coppers would be away back South, and possibly, probably, back to even more crap, but I was seeing life there at last. I even got a hug and a quiet ‘thank you’ from Lexie’s other half Lisa, and for once, in so many ways, that life seemed to be looking up for them.

CHAPTER 71
There had been a moment or two through that evening where I had found real sustenance, especially as I had spent time sitting with Lexie and Lisa. ‘Not the only lesbian’, et cetera, was well past its sell-by date. Lexie picked up on one particular chuckle, so I tried to explain.

“Ah, it was a while back. Can’t remember if there was a guest on, but that woman you say is your friend, she was here with a load of girls”

I was watching them both for a reaction, to see how Alys would be received when she met them, and the first response was from Lexie.

“Oh, god, how many that time? Like an invading army, they can be”

“No idea. One girl had her Dad with her. He plays a decent guitar, and not a bad singer”

“Oh, you’ll have been swamped, then. I think that’s Alicia’s Dad”

“Sounds right. One of the girls actually got engaged that night”

“Oh! Tall girl? Boyfriend quite… chunky? Chunky. That’s a good word”

“That’s the pair”

“Gemma and Marty, then. She’s really sweet, and so are the things she bakes. Got loads of them while I was in hospital. Worried about getting fat, I was”

Lisa snorted.

“Yeah, and what sort of idea was it putting that helmet on the bedside table?”

Lexie shrugged in an extremely expansive way.

“Didn’t know if either of us had a temper, back then. Just taking reasonable precautions”

That was another theme that drove out my sleep that night, the assumptions. I wasn’t sitting with the two women as part of some sort of ghetto, for there was a sort of Brownian motion all evening that bounced people off each other as well as the bar and the little performance area. I had chatted with Diane and Jon, Sammy giving me several grins that were much happier than had been the case on their arrival, while Hywel just looked smug.

It was that assumption I had made, about Alys meeting them, and it had just felt so right, as well as inevitable. The first friends I had made in an absolutely adult way, not via school or university, or coming from my parents’ contacts. Would there be some odd ethical thing about customers? I had no idea, but so what?

Bloody placement year! I should have looked up options in Australia, but what did I know about that country’s outdoors?

That was a second night when sleep played hard to get.

They left us, in the end, with grins rather than grimaces, and once more I was finding a much deeper understanding of my new role in mental healthcare. Ross, Sue, Ricky and I waved them off together, Hywel emulating Lisa’s message of gratitude, but with a much firmer hug. I had pictures, of course, as well as a number of e-mail addresses, because so many others had seemed to feel the need to whisper little words of thanks to each of us, and I was particularly touched by the way Candice clung to Sue. A lesson in teamwork, as well as a reminder that there would always be things going on that I would miss.

Once the bus was out of sight, well on its way to Betws and beyond, Ross let out a long sigh.

“People, well done. That could have gone really badly, but, well. We were right not to push them for ‘full value’, I think. Now, we have another load in tomorrow, as you know, a public school this time, so be prepared for some idiocy. For now, cuppa. And a debrief for the three of you”

Sue looked surprised, and Ross shook his head.

“No, woman. These two need something for their course tutor. I need you for input and sneakiness”

She frowned.

“Sneakiness?”

“Well, finding the right buzzwords. Got to phrase these things the right way. Common room in ten minutes?”

That was another lesson in itself, for while I had deceived myself that I had been doing the driving in easing the group along, especially as I had taken the first contact, those things I had missed were indeed trotted out. As an example, I had missed how much time Sue and Ross had spent watching the wreckage of a blonde woman so that she didn’t end up literally wrecked in the canoe she had all but lived in.

A lesson in narrow and wide focus, and how to combine them, as well as the ‘why’ of teamwork. I also picked up on what simple experience could do.

We arrived at the appropriate words for what were effectively training logs over a variety of hot drinks, according to individual tastes, and once all boxes were ticked, we set to the other aspects of the job: stripping beds and replacing the sheets. Thank god the place used a commercial laundry service was a frequent thought. The school party sounded like it would be a pain, but as Ross would no doubt remine me, it was as much part of my role as leading beginners up rock.

Adult beginners, that is. They seemed more willing to shut up and listen, or at least shut up. I couldn’t guarantee their listening activity.

So it was that we spent some time running safety inspections of the various types of harness, and I had a little chuckle as a memory surfaced of Mike giving me a baby harness when I was a hell of a lot younger than the kids we were expecting, who were all supposed to be around twelve and on their first ‘real’ outdoors trip with the school. What fun clearly awaited us.

I managed to catch Alys that evening, on Skype at about eleven for me and what must have been seven or so for her. She was obviously eating breakfast as we chatted, and both Mike and Ish did some mugging into the camera before clearly leaving her in privacy.

I wanted to reach through the screen to her, but that was obviously impossible, so I just put a finger tip to the screen, expecting her to be able to match mine. Her camera, of course, gave a different position, but with some judicious fiddling of laptop angles, we finally arrived at a position where we were each seeing our fingers apparently touching. I missed her horribly just then, and after running through her latest adventures in sitting in a lab processing soil samples, I gave her a reasonably full account of our days with the police.

“I feel stupid, love! One of them, she was out on the water all day, every day, and I missed how bad she really was”

Alys’ smile was so gentle I could have wept.

“Not doing that again, then? Bit like what you told me about that day at school, when you did the assistant bit out at Tryfan Fach. Experience, isn’t it? That’s what you’re there for, after all”

“I suppose so… Look, I was down the club a couple of nights ago”

Deviltry took my tongue, and I added “With a couple of lesbians”. Alys simply raised one eyebrow.

“Did you show them a good time?”

She couldn’t keep a straight face, of course, the laughter bursting free after four or five seconds of control. I watched her eyes dance, and simply asked her the obvious question.

“You’re happy, aren’t you?”

“Oh god, yes! They’re all being wonderful to me, and the weather is, well, hotter than hot right now, but there are beaches, and the bird life is amazing! And the city is great, and…”

She ran out of steam, and smiles, simultaneously.

“But. Big but. You’re not here. That’s the biggest ‘but’ of all”

I tried to make a joke of it, about fat bottoms, but she simply waved a hand at me.

“No. Said what I said, meant what I said. Now, what about these lesbians?”

I was aching to hold her, but, well: Skype. At least I could see her.

“Was just a thought, love. They’re a couple, one of that load of police, and her girlfriend, and it was just so normal. I mean, there were one or two of the older locals gave them a bit of a stare, but it was the way their colleagues treated them. I mean, there were more stares at Jon and Rhys, cause they’re a gay man couple, and… Oh, I know what I mean. Just being normal, treated as normal, ah? Can you understand that, love?”

Another pause from her, another quirked smile before her reply.

“Funnily enough, given what I am, yes. I can understand that. You’re doing the ‘only gay in the village’ bit, aren’t you?”

“Sort of”

“Yes, well. Double for me, isn’t it?”

“I’m sorry, love”

“No need. Just keep saying that word, and I will manage. Got me this far, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, but all the way out there, what could I do if something goes wrong?”

Another slightly twisted smile.

“I wouldn’t be here, with all the wonderful birds and that, if it hadn’t been for you, my love. I couldn’t have come here at all without knowing you would be waiting there when I got back. Now…”

She looked away from the camera for yet another period of silence, before looking back ay me, a wrinkle between her eyes, almost a frown.

“That is the thing, love. All about you, where what I really mean is all about us. Now, things are on the way, moving, and that’s in good ways. Done more than two years of what they call the real life experience, I have, and that means… Enfys, my love, I’m on a list for surgery, and Mam has been putting together the stuff for my recognition certificate. Once that’s done, the gay bit can be out in the open. And I have thoughts. Blame Warren, but perhaps you could speak to your new lesbian friends about etiquette”

My stomach lurched.

“Alys, love… you’re asking… You are, aren’t you?”

She nodded.

“Don’t know how it works for lesbians. Don’t know which of us asks, so I am making a huge assumption here. Hang on…”

She picked a coin up from the table and held it up to the camera.

“Fifty cent piece, love. Big assumption, but I know I’m right. I’ve known that since that first late night phone call. I think I’ve known since that first comment about not liking willies, ah? So I am going to toss this coin, you call, and we go from there”

I couldn’t speak, so just nodded, and she tossed the coin, holding her hand over it when she had caught it.

“Heads or tails, love?”

“Um… Heads?”

She lifted one hand.

“Tails. Going to have to get off to work in five minutes, so I’ll make this a quick one”

She closed her eyes; several long breaths later, she opened them to stare straight at the camera.

“Enfys Hiatt: will you marry me? Please?”

CHAPTER 72
What other answer could I give, stunned as I was? I simply nodded, before saying “If you know me, my love, you know my answer. Right now, if you look at your clock, I need to sleep”

She sounded disappointed.

“Oh…”

“It’s yes, of course. What answer did you expect?”

Her face seemed to burst into light, the joy was so evident, and all I could manage was laughter, so of course that joy in her vanished. I waved both my hands at the camera.

“No! Not a joke! I just meant that, well, seriously… how well do we know each other, and don’t answer that, and I am waffling, but, well. Yes. I love you. I can’t imagine loving anyone else. Who would I be without you? HOW would I be, how COULD I be?”

She was weeping, and I took a few seconds to try and find better words.

“Alys my love, we are both, we… A few seconds. Look… I am not trying to find ways of saying ‘no’, because there is no way I could ever feel that way. I just think… Who can we ask? Advice, ah? How do we take this and make it official?”

The picture wobbled a bit, and I realised she was reaching for something, which turned out to be a box of tissues. After she had wiped her eyes, her smile surfaced once again.

“I was pretty sure I knew what your answer would be, love”

“Only pretty sure?”

“Tease! Please… you know how frightened I get. How unsure?”

I nodded; so much easier doing things like this on a video Call than by phone.

“I know very well love. Remember I promised never to drop you, never to let you break, and when you get like that, always remember that I love you, and always will. Something’s brought this on. I don’t mean the proposal, cause that’s the best thing I’ve had in, well… Not going to say”

The best thing since Neil found her alive would have been my words, but not then.

She looked down at her hands, then back up.

“Mam got a letter”

My hackles were rising, the fear always there for her.

“From the Courts and Tribunals people, Going to share my screen with you, hang on. I asked her to open it, and send me a scan… right, pics… share window… There”

It took me a few seconds to process the image, but I finally made sense of it.

“You didn’t tell me!”

“Mam was doing most of the work, keeping loads of records. We sent the application on just before I flew out. Didn’t want to worry you in case it got rejected”

“What if they had chucked it out?”

“Mam and Dad would have gone through it and made another attempt. Thing is, we got it right first go. I am now officially female, not just claiming I am. That, my love, is an actual Gender Recognition Certificate”

“Don’t you need it out there with you?”

She was grinning now, as the triumph overtook the fear.

“Nope! All it does is change my birth certificate, and I wrote out the application letter for that before I left. Didn’t date it, left that for Mam to do. Shhh! Don’t tell the Registrar!”

From terror to giggling, in a matter of minutes, but she wasn’t finished.

“Told Mam to let your parents know, but not to tell you till I had had a chance to. Oh, and you have a party to organise now!”

“Party?”

“Yes! Engagement party, silly. I can’t be there, unless we can time it for one of these calls, but all our friends deserve the chance to celebrate as well. Oh, and another thing”

“Hasn’t there been enough already?”

“This is important. You are NOT wearing Ron Hill Tracksters to our wedding!”

The call got progressively sillier, until she held up a hand.

“Got to go to work now, but do me a favour and ring your home to let them know. Please. They’re waiting for your call”

She laughed in the most unaffected way I had ever heard from her, then grinned yet again.

“All this lab work has done my organisational skills a power of good!”

We closed the conversation off, in full-flow soppiness, and I did indeed ring Mam.

“She told you, then? That she’s got the certificate?”

“Yes! And of course I said yes!”

There were several seconds of silence before Mam spoke again, and her voice was so soft I could hardly hear her.

“Enfys, my sweet one, she didn’t mention… I am going to say that I have worked it out from what you just said. Am I right? Who asked who?”

“Mam, she asked me, but we tossed a coin for it”

More silence, then Dad came on the line.

“Your Mam’s in tears, love, but I do believe they’re good ones. This is the best of news, but I suspect she didn’t run it past Vic or Nansi. Can we?”

“Oh, yes! Alys said we have to sort a party out, before she’s back. En… Engagement party, Said our friends deserve it”

“My little girl was never one for the easy route, was she?”

I found my centre, as if I was at a particularly awkward move.

“What’s the point of easy routes, Dad?”

“Not what I meant, love. Your life’s like your climbing: no cheating, straight at the line. Sticking with it till done. You might not remember some of this, but you and Alys…”

With a shock, I realised my own father was crying, just as he passed the phone back to Mam. She took up from his last words.

“Alys, love. Before, well, Alys. You were her only friend, when she had that other name. You have always been there for her, and when I heard you on the phone, that first time, I wondered whether it was that, well, infatuation thing, but… Your Dad has it spot on. Straight at the route, no cheating. We see it in her as well. Sorry for our silliness. This is bloody good news, so please forgive us if we hang up now. Going to call her parents, and then we need a chat about your shifts, and yes, there will be a party. We love you, Enfys Both of you”

She hung up, and that simple act of cutting me off was reassuring in the oddest of ways: not a dismissal, more a declaration of sharing the load. I would make a point of ringing the Edwards the next day, I decided, but first, I had a school group to supervise.

I slept amazingly well, but my dreams were more than a little convoluted.

The school group arrived just before lunch time, as they were from some place in Shropshire, two minibus loads of them including four teachers, and they were all boys. Apart from the teachers, that is, who were also all male. Private school, no doubt: how to equip your pupils for the world outside. There was still plenty of daylight, so once we had done the orientation lecture and fitting of harnesses, Ricky and I set out for the Ricks and Racks, a crocodile of pupils and teachers behind.

“Right, people: I’m Enfys, this is Ricky, and we are at the Ricks and Racks. Not my favourite place, but as you have now seen, nice and close for a short day. We’re going to do some toproping here, which means we will set up a couple of anchors at the top of the crag. We’ll give each of you a go at each line, which should take us through a lot of the daylight, and that will give you a feel for what the sport is about. You’re also booked in for some kayaking tomorrow, so you’ll then have a basis to decide what you’d like to concentrate on for the rest of your stay. Now, this is a fifteen millimetre kernmantel rope, which just means it’s got a woven sheath so it runs smoothly, unlike a hawser-laid rope, whish is the traditional twisted one, and it will take several tons of load, so don’t worry. Please put on your harnesses; Ricky and I will set up the anchors, and then do a safety check of each, before we take you up”

Ricky took over.

“Right, we’ll bring each of you up to just below the top, then lower you back down, but the first safety advice is the word ‘below’, which should normally be yelled as loudly as you can”

He demonstrated exactly how loud he could make it, then grinned.

“Like that. What it means is ‘Oops, I’ve dropped something, sorry’, or sometimes ‘Oh dear, half the cliff seems to have detached itself with me on it’. You’re all wearing helmets; if you hear that word, do NOT look up if you are near the crag. That’s what the lids are for, You’ll hear us shout it shortly, but you’ll be away from the fall line”

The two of us scrambled to the top of the little crag, where we had some fixed anchor points ready, then moved to the edge of the crag, Ricky drawing a deep breath.

“ROPE BELOW!”

That brought some laughter, and after I had followed his own line with mine, we descended, ready for what I was already thinking of as the sorting of sheep from goats. Having split the group on half, we worked through the harnesses one by one, tightening here, completely refitting there, starting with the teachers.

Ricky went to his group, tying a figure of eight in the rope ready to secure his first pupil, but to my surprise, I found my own boy was already attached, and not in any way I would approve of.

“Whose is this crab? Karabiner?”

One of the teachers answered.

“It’s mine. I climb a bit at our local centre, so I brought some of my own kit”

“Sorry, but I am going to have to change this attachment”

“Why? What’s wrong with it?”

“Well, Mister….?”

“Maugham. I teach the boys physics”

“Mr Maugham, we have a number of rules, and reasons for them. Our gear is regularly inspected professionally, and that is a condition of our liability insurance. We also minimise our number of potential points of failure. That is why we tie directly into both waistbelt and leg loops of the harness rather than using the front belay loop and a crab, because that’s two additional failure points”

“Yes, but if we have to tie and untie each time, it takes ages!”

Once again, I centred myself, because I could feel the anger rising.

“Right. Let’s look at this, then. The crab is a low strength one, for clipping bolts on a wall”

“It’s good for two tons”

“Not if the gate is open, and as it’s a snap gate rather than a screwlock, that is a real possibility, especially if a novice climber hugs the rock. There is also the fact that you have attached the rope to one of the gear loops rather than the belay loop. That is a piece of string covered in a piece of plastic tube. If this boy fell on that, it would certainly break. Please don’t use your own equipment here”

“We will have words afterwards, young lady”

“Certainly, but for now, let’s make the best of the light”

Not at all a happy bunny, but I was thanking god I had spotted his incompetence before the lad left the ground; I still had occasional nocturnal memories of that rescue from the flank of Tryfan. So, so easy to stuff things up, and Welsh rock is not something to bounce off. I could feel his eyes boring into me as I turned away, catching the slightest of nods from Ricky to confirm he had heard.

The boys surprised me by their lack of any obvious duffers, and we managed to run each of them, including the teachers, through three mini-routes before shifting to a couple of the gnarlier problems. Throughout, Ricky and I were hearing “Sir! Sir! Miss! Miss!” and answering questions about our own climbing. One boy…

“Miss, is it true that if you fall and get your arm stuck, you have to cut it off?”

Several of the other boys groaned and made references to “That stupid film”, which, naturally I was fully aware of, so I gave a more reassuring answer, met with a series of questions from a multitude of them.

“Gentlemen, I can actually answer that one, because I am a member of the Mountain Rescue Team from the next valley, where we will be doing more climbing”

“Have you had to cut anyone’s arm off, Miss?”

“No, but I have had several rescues where people have got their legs stuck”

“Did you have to cut their legs off, Miss?”

“No, never. We told you today not to use your knees because you can’t do anything from kneeling. When you are on your leg like that, the muscles bulge, and if you can’t take the load off, you get stuck. We get above the casualty, set an anchor, bit like what was holding the ropes today, and then we lower a rope so that we can pull them up. That releases the jam, though we did once have to unlace someone’s boot and pull his foot out. No, we didn’t cut the foot off”

We sorted the ropes and other gear, leaving the boys in their harnesses and helmets for the walk back down, and I felt Maugham’s eyes on me once more as we ambled over the turf, the boys still chattering away.

“Miss! Miss! What’s the hardest thing you’ve climbed up?”

“Miss! Miss! Do you understand Welsh?”

“Miss! Miss! Are the sheep wild?”

And so on. We got them into the Centre, boots off, harnesses and ropes hung up, helmets stacked, and then into the dining room for hot drinks. Maugham was straight to Ross, and after some terse conversation, I couldn’t here, ross called over to Ricky and myself.

“Quick word, you two? Office?”

I exchanged eyebrow raises with the lad, and then we followed Ross and Maugham into the admin room. Ross was coldly official in his tone.

“Enfys, Mr Maugham here has made a complaint about your language and rudeness at the recent session. Would you care to give me your account, please”

Before I could explode, Ricky had a hand up.

“Ross, I heard the whole exchange. Mr Maugham was very, very clear in what he said to Enfys. May I say what I heard?”

Maugham seemed almost to preen, and I suddenly understood. It went deeper than I had assumed, for I had expected some posh bastard complaint about being belittled in front of his pupils, and this felt nastier.

As much as he loved him, Illtyd could be a seriously sexist pain, and what Mrs Preece had done to Alys would always leave a nasty taste, but this was my first understanding of what misogyny really felt like.

Private school, boys only. I wasn’t getting the vibes from him that I had picked up from Jon or Rhys, and as soon as Ricky had offered his account, Maugham had looked pleased.

Oh dear.

Ricky nodded to me before speaking.

“Usual thing, boss”

Nice touch, lad.

“Took the group up the Ricks after the orientation and issue of PPE: harnesses and helmets. Ensured the boys were supervised by their teachers and well away from the crag. Enfys and I soloed up to the fixed anchors, I explained the ‘Below’ call and then demonstrated how loud it should be before we dropped the double ropes. Back down, divide the group in two, and then start the safety checks for harnesses and lids. I’d done mine, and was tying on the first student, figure of eight tied through the harness and back on itself, as per SOP.

“Enfys was slower than me in her safety check…”

Maugham was now preening.

“... because she had one boy who had managed to get both feet in a single leg loop, so had to refit the whole thing. Mr Maugham here went to his rucksack and got what was clearly his own crab. Sport-climbing thing, for quick clipping on bolted routes indoors. No screwgate. I wouldn’t have one of those anywhere near my rack, to be honest. He’s, Mr Maugham, he’s taken the climbing rope and tied a doubled overhand knot, not a figure of eight…”

Shit! I’d missed that extra bit of idiocy!

“…then clipped the clearly dangerous knot to the first boy’s harness with his climbing wall crab, but he’s done it on one of the gear loops rather than the belay loop. I suspect the boy was first in the queue due to his size, if you see what I mean. Enfys has spotted all of that, and explained why we do things the way we do, as well as our safety inspection schedule and public liability insurance requirements. Mr Maugham then argued that doing it our way would cause delays”

Ross was nodding.

“How did you perceive Enfys to react”

Maugham interrupted,

“She was rude, hectoring and belittled me in front of my pupils!”

Ross held up a hand.

“One moment, please. Ricky?”

“Ross. Enfys was really calm, polite. I said the lad was one of the bigger ones, and we were lowering the boys off after each climb. If she hadn’t spotted how he was tied on, that gear loop would most probably have ripped, and we’d be looking at a seriously injured boy, possibly a dead one. If it had been my group, I wouldn’t have been so calm, and Mr Maugham there would have discovered exactly what fucking rudeness is!”

That brought a shout of complaint from Maugham, but once again Ross just held up a hand, until the spluttering ran its cause.

“Mr Maugham, there is another aspect to this, and it is something that was brought to my attention by one of your colleagues. I will refrain from naming them, even though they assured me that they would not object if I did. Enfys, Ricky, my apologies, but you were already out of the door when I received this information. In short, I was warned that Mr Maugham has been telling his colleagues at length about his expertise in climbing, and said colleague was concerned there might be an incident rather similar to today’s Mr Maugham, You put me in quite the dilemma”

“What do you mean by siding with—"

“Mr Maugham. My dilemma is in whether to ask your entire group to leave, whether to ask you alone to leave, or whether to discuss the matter with your employers for their advice and decision. I will not be doing any of those this evening, but I will say this. There have been very few serious incidents in the history of this centre, but each one has been a source of pain and anguish for staff, over and above that obviously suffered by the victims. I know that Enfys has recently had to recover a couple of bodies from a fatal accident. You very nearly gave us another one today. So please go to your boys and help them prepare for their evening meal, before my own reserve succumbs to the temptation of emulating Ricky’s choice of language. The door’s behind you”

CHAPTER 73
Maugham didn’t actually slam the door, but there was a clear hesitation movement as he obviously considered doing so. Once it was shut, Ross turned to Ricky first.

“Not quite my choice of words, lad, but point made and taken. Clipped to a gear loop?”

“Yes. I was on that side of the group, could see it clearly. It was on Enfys’ blind side, so it took her an extra second. That’s why I’d shifted my focus, ready to back her up. I think there’s more going on in his head than being the big man. I think Enfys got that one as well. Doesn’t like women much, does he, girl?”

I just nodded, not trusting my vocabulary, and Ricky snorted out a laugh. Ross and I simply sat and waited, until Ricky could explain without gasping.

“Was just imagining Kitzy, Ross. Tiny girl on our course. Wouldn’t say boo, all that, right up until she moves in with this one. Try coming the Patriarch with her now, and you’ll end up having to check your gonad count”

I protested that Kitzy wasn’t like that, and Ricky just waved a lazy hand at me.

“She wasn’t, bab, but she’s learned. That Lee did it. No! I don’t mean he’s pushed her; it’s him that’s the shy one, and she’s just found out how to stand up for herself by having to stand up for him”

I was seeing a different Ricky just then, not just in how careful he had been in watching my own group as well as his own.

“I didn’t know you paid so much attention to my housemates, Rick”

“It’s that module thing, Enfys: outdoor activity and mental health. Opened my eyes big style, that, and what with all that stuff up in Scotland, I’ve had a lot to watch and learn from. Now, I have some thoughts on this lot. You happy if I say my piece, Ross? How I see it?”

“Go ahead, son. Doing well so far”

“Right. Boys are a good lot, allowing for the usual adolescent dominance games”

He grinned at me.

“Matt said it with that joke on the first day, about putting up new E Lotsanumbers routes. You’re the class climber, bab. Better than all of us. What you haven’t got is an eye for some of the people stuff. Probably what makes you so good on the rock—no sense, no feeling, yeah?”

Before I could think of a decently nasty retort, he was off again.

“Not boasting, but I am more of a people person professionally than you. Small margin, but I have to have something to make up for my climbing, so… We have a decent group of boys here. Two of them need watching to help them steer away from throwing their weight around, like that first kid you had, Enfys. He was at the front, like I said, because he pushed in. There are about four kids who need a confidence boost. And that’s it. Of the teachers, one is a little outside his comfort zone, but is still trying. The other two are fine. Maugham is the only issue”

I was still silent as he grinned and shrugged.

“Yeah, well. Final point? Not fair on them all to do a group punishment thing just because of one tosser. I think the group stays. And we speak to the school about him. Oh, and I do have an idea that the other teachers would prefer him elsewhere, but I think we need to take Maugham somewhere out of that comfort zone. I think some roofing material would be helpful. What’s your Dad up to, Enfys?”

I could see his thinking.

“And your choice of route?”

“One you told me about: Comes the Dervish. With that bad step into the bay it’s in”

Ross said something about insurance, and Ricky grinned.

“I can have a very short-term employment contract drawn up in five minutes!”

Dad loved the idea, and so, as we loaded the bus for a full day round in the Valley, Dad was ready waiting for us at Tryfan Fach, where he would just happen to be soloing problems when we turned up, ‘What I would give for a partner for the day, do some more interesting stuff’, and it went exactly as planned, with Dad off on his “It’s the only transport I have” motorbike, Maugham on the pillion in a spare lid, for a day in the Vivian Quarry. We started the boys and the rest of the teachers out on Tryfan Fach, of course, before moving over to Clogwyn y Tarw for some more challenging stuff, once the boys had demonstrated adequate toprope belaying skills.

So many memories tied up in one place, right back to my very first ‘assistant teacher’ afternoon.

We finished the day with a descent on the Chapel Rocks for some gymnastic silliness, and then a concerted attempt to drink the tea kiosk dry. Mr Maugham was back after us, and for the rest of the week, he stayed on or in the water.

When the school group left, I got more than a few hugs from boys and teachers alike, and it was clearly a disappointment to the bigger boys when I admitted I was actually ‘spoken for’: my first schoolboy crushes, but far from the last. I didn’t think it best to confuse them any further with the revelation of who exactly that involved. We waved them off, just as I heard the sound of a rather familiar bike. Ross grinned.

“I’ll get the kettle on, Enfys, while you say hello to your Dad. I am sure he won’t say no to a cuppa. Ricky?”

Dad pulled in, set the bike onto its side stand, then hugged me hard even before he had removed his lid. Once he had let go, off it came, and I was met with a very direct stare.

“What an absolute tit he was. Want to fill me in?”

“Ross has the kettle on, Dad. Do it once, be better than several”

“Okay”

Into the common room this time, tea already brewing, and Ross, Sue, Ricky and I settled down as Dad pulled off his jacket. A sigh at the first sip of tea, then a quick grin.

“Already said it to my daughter, but what an utter tit! What did he do to deserve that game?”

I looked at Ricky, who shrugged and gave a no-frills account as Dad nodded.

“So you could have been down one schoolboy? And he wanted to complain? Sounds about right. Anyway, gave him the full macho, as requested”

I looked at a fresh scuff on the outside of Dad’s left boot.

“And?”

Dad caught the direction of my gaze, and grinned.

“No, I didn’t. I went reasonably hard, but he was such a flighty pillion, I didn’t dare get really silly. It was the walk-in that started him freaking properly, and the Bad Step was nearly cut-and-run time”

The climbs we had chosen for Maugham were in the Vivian Quarry, a slash of rock going straight into the hillside in a rising staircase of quarried bays. There are also side bays, easy to walk into, but to get into the ‘climbing’ bay means stepping round an ‘outside corner’ of quarried rock, across a gap that feels a very long way above the flooded pit below the climbing.

“Yup. That step nearly threw him, especially after everything he had been saying about how good he was. There were some goats up top as well, so we had some stonefall, chippings kicked down and that. Did Dervish and Tango, as he had told me he could climb 5c”

Dad took another sip.

“Well, I led them, abbed down to the bottom, then toproped him. Tango first, as it’s supposed to be a 5b, but only really got chatting as he was dithering on Dervish”

Ross was grinning, Ricky shaking his head in his usual way.

“Dad?”

“Yes, love?”

“Define ‘chatting’, please”

“Me? Nothing nasty. Just mentioning all the things dumped in the pool, as well as how sharp the slate can be, useful life of a rope, so on and so forth. Might have mentioned how easy my daughter found the two routes, as well as how much she loves her job working in some big local outdoor centre. And he kept falling off the crux”

Another sip.

“Yes, I did let him decide how to tie onto the rope. I think he might have re-examined his habits after the third peel. Bit quiet on the way back, he was”

Ricky asked the obvious question, the one I had been avoiding.

“Apart from all that, how was his actual climbing?”

“Honestly? He’s got good feet, I’ll give him that, and arm strength, but his fingers are weak, and he needs to readjust what his concept of a hold is, at least for hands. Bit of a jug-puller, but there aren’t exactly many jugs on a slate E3. Best summary: he could be a decent climber, but needs to learn that you don’t beat routes into submission. One thing he does have is an eye for the sequence. If he could just bin the attitude, along with most of his personality, he’d probably push up a couple of E-numbers. Reminds me: the Woodruffs are due back shortly, so perhaps my daughter here could start sorting a party date”

Sue looked up at that remark.

“Party? And the occasion is?”

Dad just looked at me, and I found myself blushing, much to my surprise.

“Um, my engagement. Our engagement. Me and Alys. But she’s in Australia, so it’s going to be a sort of virtual thing. Get friends in somewhere---”

Dad interrupted with “At the Cow; already agreed!”, and I nodded in gratitude.

“Yeah, makes sense. Get as many of our friends in as we can, and Alys says we can set up a laptop so we can see each other, have a look at sorting out the best time of day for her”

Ricky looked worried.

“Lots of ours on placements, bab. Want me to have a dig for contacts? Can’t afford to leave some of them out”

“Ah, got mobile numbers and e-mails for most of them”

Dad laughed out loud, that happy sound that always said so much about the utter wisdom Mam had shown in bringing him up to our home.

“Forgotten where your Mam works, love? Send her a list of names, and she will blind-send as necessary. I will assume that Neil and the others will be welcome”

I had a sudden surge of inspiration.

“Dad---what about those coppers? When, you know? I mean, they will probably just say no, but I think we should make the offer”

He stared at me for a few seconds, the softest, soppiest of smiles all for me, before his next words.

“And that is just so, so typical of my daughter, and why I am so, so proud of her. Now, I have a business to run, and she must have some drudgery or other to get back to. If she hasn’t, Ross, just find some. I’ll let the Woodruffs know, love, and once you have a date, I really think I need to look at closing said business for a couple of nights. I suspect we will have rather a lot of visitors”

CHAPTER 74
“Minibus is leaving, love. You need to get down the hill”

“Mam, I don’t know! I’m sure I’ve forgotten something—just can’t think what it is!”

She stepped forward for a hug, bringing a smile with her.

“Illtyd’s covered the video link. Dad and Vic have got the bunkhouse covered. Me and Nansi have already delivered the bulk of the food, and we’ll be down in a few with the rest. You need to be there ten minutes ago to do the hostess bit. Be a bit pointless without you, after all”

“But there are so many people, Mam!”

“And whose fault is that? Who decided to grow up into a friend magnet?”

She held me at arms’ length for a second, her voice soft.

“I remember that evening, love. When it all came out. Such a change in you”

I tried to stare back, with a flippant “Being gay?”, but it didn’t work. Mam just smiled once more.

“Not that, my love. It was a wider thing. You and… ah, so hard to say this the right way, names and stuff. You and Alys, even when, you know?”

“When she wasn’t herself yet?”

“Exactly. You two, well, you were always close. Me and your Dad, we worried about you being too close, not having other friends, and, well, look at you now. What you have done for her, well, no need to say anything, but it’s been a two-way thing. The more you found who you were, the two of you together, the more other people could see it as well. Been trying to think of a really clever metaphor, but all I can see is two locks with the same key. Anyway, there’s other benefits as well!”

“Such as?”

“Well, for once you aren’t wearing RonHills. That is a seriously serious dress, love”

I felt the memory burning my eyes as it came up, and had to fight back the tears.

“It was something Alys said, years ago, Mam. On my birthday. I mean, I think we both did, to each other, and it was ‘wear something nice for me’, and I remember she had a blue dress, and all I had were some smarter jeans. This time, well, thought I had better try a little harder”

I grinned at her, trying to get back to my normal mood.

“Not doing the silly shoes thing, though. See you down there!”

Down the hill, the lightest of rain floating against my skin, and onto the High Street, the board outside the Cow as clear as could be, in both languages: ‘Private function tonight; invitation only’. I had felt a few qualms about costing them money by turning trade away, but there were so many people invited, lost income from notional passing strangers would be more than outweighed by that covered by invitations. As said invitations naturally covered most of the local regulars, that ‘loss’ was even less than notional.

In the door and shake the water off my jacket, and then through to the bar, where I was met with a cheer as I set out to do the obligatory meet and greet. Some I could ignore, as they had already greeted me up at the bunkhouse, but there were others, and once the two Brenin minibuses arrived, there would be more. I made my way over to Illtyd, who was fiddling with a set of cables and a rather large screen.

“Illtyd? Where’s the laptop?”

“Behind the bar, love. Your mate Warren brought this in; just wiring it all up. Got a decent camera on top of the screen. Give your girl a better view than a laptop next to the glasswasher. Just need a… Ah! Say hello, love!”

The huge black slab shimmered, and then cut to what looked like a patio set with wooden tables and chairs, all covered with wide sunshades, the glare obvious from its reflection on the concrete surfaces. A couple of figures were bent over a barbecue, and as they turned round, I recognised Mike and Ish. The former grinned, and his lips moved as he said what was probably a superbly crafted comment. Those around me roared back the traditional greeting for video conferences, “You’re on mute!”

Mike grinned again, reaching out on his own side of the screen.

“And while it is sort of brekky time over here, we are having an Aussie tradition, just without the usual beers. And here she is!”

Alys was wearing a blue dress once again, her hair unbound over shoulders tanned golden, and as I drank in the sight of her, my tongue stilled, it took me a few moments to realise that the whole of the pub had also gone silent. I struggled to find the right words.

“Um… Hi, love…”

She laughed out loud, my heart shivering with the need to hold her to me, and it was her voice that came out as the assured one, so different to the girl I had slept with that first time in Shrewsbury.

‘Don’t drop me’

“Hiya, all! Starting to get a little warm here, and we are having a sort of brunch, because we can. Got a sunshade over the screen here, so we can see you all, but the Cow looks packed! Now, going to rely on my lover to bring people past the screen on her side, but for now, well, let’s get this rolling. Is there anyone over there who doesn’t know why we are doing this video thing?”

I turned away from the screen in obvious invitation, and got a loud roar of “No!”, so turned back to my woman with a happy smile. She was on song.

“Right, then! Just for the record, though, it’s a simple thing, and it IS a big deal. I asked her to marry me, she said yes. I’m out here in Perth right now, but I will be back later this year for the rest of my course at Bangor, and some time after that we will take that next big step together, because together is how we do things, my love and I. Look out for further invitations, but they will need rather posher clothes than I can see many of you wearing. Now, Mike?”

She stepped back, and Uncle Mike was there, holding a tall beaker of something pinky-orange, clinking with ice cubes.

“Right, you lot! You’re in a pub, so we will assume you have a drink each. So… in honour of the engagement announced of these two amazing women, can we have all your glasses raised in their honour. Alys and Enfys!”

The noise was stunning, and any number of hands reached out to squeeze or pat one or both of my shoulders. Alys was back om screen, grinning happily, and as the noise died away once more, she made her own little speech.

“Time difference here is a sod, and we do have some work stuff we need to get through. We will be sitting here having a barbie breakfast, and while we are, anyone who wants to say hello is welcome to come up to the mike at your end. Not this Mike, of course, but the one in the laptop. Enjoy your evening!”

All I wanted to do was stay and stare through that screen, but Dad was shepherding me away and around the pub.

“Welcome to responsibility, love. Smile and hug time, starting with…”

There were more than I expected, including the two uniformed coppers Mo Amin and Carol Simms, along with the suits Claire Hollis and Dave Baillie. They looked a little out of place, both in their general mood and almost as obviously in their ‘smart casual’. I glanced at Dad, and he nodded encouragement. I did my best to reproduce the smile Alys had pulled from me and walked over to their table.

I wasn’t really sure what to expect, for I knew their case load must be huge. One more missing girl, one more drunken car crash. To my relief, they turned out to be far more than ‘officially’ friendly, Mo Amin seemingly settling himself, or perhaps his liver, in for a long session. Keep that smile, Hiatt; press the flesh, say enough to confirm that you know who they are, and why they have come, wave them past the screen and move on to the next group.. Coppers, teachers, tutor (“Hi, Matt!”) and finally, finally, my own, OUR own friends, including, to my surprise, both of Kitzy’s parents. Lee looked a little shell-shocked, and as I hugged Linda hello, she whispered into my ear.

“Him indoors has decided he has a new friend to bore with men’s Topics of Meaningful Conversation. Lee might appreciate some distractions, love”

She straightened up, and in a much louder voice demanded to know where the buffet might be. I waved at the line of tables the Cow had set for us, and Linda laughed happily.

“We weren’t sure, love, so David did a posh supermarket run. Point me at the landlord so I can be sure he won’t mind, and that lot can get spreading. That your girl on the screen?”

“Yup!”

“Then me and my girl shall do the sociable bit after I have spoken with Mine Host. David! Heel! And don’t worry; we’re going to the bar first”

I got my hugs from Lee and Kitzy, as well as a supremely formal handshake from David Salter, and then Dad was waving at me with one hand and the pub door with the other… Oh! The bloody minibus. And we were running out of room. Who the hell had we asked?

“ENFYS!”

Lexie, of course, Lisa attached, unattached and re-attached as I received yet another hug, her blonde friend and her own gigantic man looking a little out of place, unlike the grinning pairs of Steph’n’Geoff and Annie’n’Eric. For a few moments, I felt like the object of a ‘pass the parcel’ game, and it was a few minutes before I noticed another couple almost hidden behind the very big man—Barry? Yes; Barry. I only really spotted them as we were all forced to move aside by Lee and Kitzy’s Dad, who had clearly bought half of the supermarket’s stock in anticipation of getting the nod to put it with the existing buffet.

It was the young man I recognised, for he had sung at the Cow before. I held a hand out to say hello, and as I did so, his name surfaced.

“Martin?”

He smiled back, nerves clearly taut.

“Marty. And my fiancée Gemma. Rest are coming up next week, and if all those bags coming in mean what I think…”

‘Gemma’ was looking smug for some reason, and that set Lexie laughing happily.

“Gem’s brought you a pressie, Enfys. Wasn’t sure if it would be acceptable, but, well”

Lisa was grinning, as was their blonde friend, and there was a quick ‘you first, no you’ between them, before Blondie got the nod. In obviously well-practised theatricality, she put the back of one hand to her forehead.

“Oh dear, says my waistline. If the stuff can’t be punted out here, we will be absolutely FORCED to dispose of it ourselves, oh, the humanity! And the calories”

She held the pose for an instant, then grinned, giving the two men a shove.

“Go and get it, boys. I think we can find a buffet. What you drinking, love?”

A few more hugs, and then Annie, Eric and Geoff were off to the big screen, Steph staying with me until they were out of earshot. Once Barry and Marty had passed us with a couple of piles of cardboard boxes, Steph gestured to the door, and led me out into the steady drizzle.

“Need to give you a little heads-up, love. Sorry to spring surprise guests on you. I mean, it’s more Lexie’s idea than mine, but I’m sort of involved. You remember Gemma?”

“Yes, very well. She was just engaged that last time, I think”

“Yes. It’s complicated, as they say on social media, so I am going to have to break some confidences here. Lexie’s lot are busy right now, but she wanted to come as a thank you to you and the Brenin. Same with Candice and Barry”

I remembered the dead look in her eyes, out on the water all day.

“Yeah. I mean, Lexie had been shot, and Candice, she was…”

“Her and Barry both, according to Annie. In a very bad way. All you need to know, apart from Candice saying she needs to let you see that she can smile”

I nodded.

“As long as she can send a few smiles over to Perth, no problems. Complications, you said?”

She sat down on one of the smokers’ chairs, the parasol keeping it a little drier than the wall.

“Long story, Enfys. I was a lot younger… Right. Gemma. You realise she is on the same bus as me and Annie?”

“And Alys, yes. She’s a lucky girl”

Steph stared at me a little flatly, then offered a sad smile.

“I suppose so, love. She was living in a refuge before her engagement, and that’s who is coming up next week. The rest of them”

“Is that the big group with the tall woman? Old Pat’s friend?”

“That’s them. Gemma’s luck was to meet them, just after her family had kicked her out of her home. Good luck, bad luck. That tall woman, Debbie, she’s married to Gemma’s boss, and I met them all… Annie and Eric put up one of the girls for her surgery, which was down in Brighton, and that is how I know Diane, because she drove the girl over to us. Annie knows Diane because, well, Di had a crush on Annie in her previous incarnation”

She chuckled.

“Told you it was complicated! Anyway, punch line is that it turns out I already knew their mate Debbie, but neither of us realised it until she was getting wed in my local church”

She paused, wiping the raindrops off her forehead with the sleeve of her fleece.

“Enfys, a lot of that history is why I do, why ANNIE and I do what we can for you and Alys. Gemma is indeed lucky, and to be honest, I think almost all of the girls that Debbie has looked after have had that luck, but there’s a lot of nastiness in their past. Bit like me and Mike”

My eyebrows rose by themselves.

“You weren’t… You and Uncle Mike?”

“What? Oh! No, not Mike. Not my sort of bloke. Sarah, yes, but not for me. No. What I mean is that I had some really bad times when I was still stuck, and I know Mike remembers those. Heavy drinking and stupid soloing aren’t good bedfellows, and neither is walking back up to the Valley on a freezing cold night while both pissed and ready to give up. I got a lift one night, from Debbie and Old Pat, and, well, it gave me a chance to think things over properly. Turning point in my life, really. Luck in meeting someone just as I was about to step right off the edge. Anyway, Debbie and me, we remember that day. Lexie and Candice both speak about you looking after them over that week in the Brenin. Alys has you. That’s the key thing here, having that person at the right time, in the right place. Some people don’t”

She shook her head.

“Where was I? Oh yes; rambling all over the place. So: Lexie is here as a friend. Candice and Barry are here as sort of emissaries for their team, as is Gemma. She’s also here as an experiment, for her and Marty, to see if they can manage a few days as a couple without all the others shielding them. And I think Alys went to Australia for the same reason, to be honest. I suppose that’s what all the rambling is leading up to, that she is flying at last. When she comes home, you might feel a need to cling. Only natural, I suppose”

Another twisted smile.

“Listen to me, trying to give relationship advice based on one relationship, and not counting. All of that rubbish I’ve said can be summed up in one word, and that’s luck. You both have it, Don’t force it”

I settled down in the seat opposite to Steph.

“What brought all that on? Heavy stuff”

“Ah, sorry. Just needed… Luck, Enfys. Had another death at work, drug swallower. Muggins here had to attend the autopsy for chain of evidence re the drugs. Also had a claim”

“Claim?”

“Asylum claim. Trans girl. She’d been flogged repeatedly. I just needed to vent”

She wiped her forehead again, and I realised that a lot of the droplets weren’t rain but tears. She caught my expression.

“Yeah, sorry. All that stuff about being on the edge, and it’s me this time. Haven’t been this down in years, but I thought I owed you a smile, and here I am, the rain on your parade”

“This is Wales. Rain is a given”

She laughed, a little more easily.

“By rights, I should have been speaking to Sally, or dragging Annie into the loo, but I thought, well, Alys. And you’re the next best thing to her. Sorry; it builds up”

She reached across for my hand, a better smile growing.

“Luck, love. That’s the word that keeps whispering to me. I’m lucky, now. Lexie has a scar to remind her how lucky she is. I look at you and Alys, and I can almost forget the girl on the slab”

“What about the flogged one?”

“Ah, in a place of safety now, probably for the first time in her life. I suppose you can’t see the light without some darkness for contrast. Thank you for letting me ramble one”

She rose to her feet.

“Counting blessings is what I am doing tonight, and when Debbie’s lot turn up, I will be shown a lot more. Come on; I need to smile at Alys before she’s off to work, and I have already encountered Gemma’s baking, so fully intend to get outside of some. We playing tonight?”

As I took Steph’s hand, I found myself channelling Ginny.

“Fuck yeah!”

So, so lucky. So honoured that she had chosen me to offload some of her pain onto. So lacking in ideas about how to ease it for her.