----------=BigCloset Retro Classic!=----------
Complete

 

by Jamie Hayworth

---

 
Admin Note: Originally published on Bigcloset Classic on August 27, 2008 at 10:11:04 am, this retro classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers. ~Sephrena
 
 

Susie and Jeffrey 1 - 2 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1

"Hi, Jeffrey, I'm Susie Jones your new girlfriend."

Startled, I swung around, and, instead of my bike chain, her bare midriff received a long spray of WD-40. I wasn't too upset - I hadn't wasted the genuine article, but the pound shop version: good enough for a cheap bike - and a cheeky girl.

"Ooh, that tickles!" she laughed, as she flipped the liquid out of her navel, which I couldn't help noticing was a cute little innie. I've got one just like it - that's probably the only thing we'll have in common.

Spending the mid-September evening in the garden had mellowed my mood, which softened further, when looking up I saw a smiling face glowing with good humour. Instead of a characteristic sullen response - telling her, she was no friend of mine - I managed an almost friendly, "Where did you come from?"

"Over the fence: we've just moved in. Back-to-back gardens - isn't that going to be handy?" she beamed, and bit into a James Grieve that she'd helped herself to on her way down the path. "Dee-luscious," she grinned, and licked the juice from the side of her mouth. "Quite a little Garden of Eden you've got here: is it all your own work?"

"No, I guess I inherited it. It more or less looks after itself."

As I watched her eating the apple, I realised she wasn't only a new neighbour but also a new schoolmate. If she was serious about this girlfriend business, there'd be no escape - we could end up like Siamese twins.

"You're the Susie Jones in our sixth form, aren't you?"

"Right, and you're Jeffrey Smith; you know what that makes us, Jeffrey?"

"Yeah, Susie, a cliche, but not boyfriend and girlfriend."

"Give it a chance," she smiled, and then rattled me by adding, "you don't know what you've been missing, hiding yourself away. Gee, but you took some flushing out; I've heard of a low profile but you were practically invisible - like the wise virgin who hides her light under a bushel," she laughed, and came a little closer. "Are you all right, Jeffrey? You look a little pale."

Flustered would have been nearer the mark. Did I want a girlfriend? If I did, this was the only way I was likely to get one. What I needed was some thinking time. Meanwhile some harmless boy-girl chitchat seemed appropriate. Come on, it can't be that difficult. The familiar odour of WD-40 wafted upwards and gave me inspiration. "Gee, Susie, you smell nice, just like my bike."

I took advantage of her choking fit to wheel my bike into the shed and get a dollop of Swarfega. By the time Susie recovered, I had the padlock in place.

"Aw, come on, let me have a look inside," she pleaded.

"There's nothing that would interest you."

"Jeffrey, you're such a little tease. What's in there? I want to see," she pouted.

"No, a boy's shed is no place for a single girl: you'll have to wait until after we're married."

"Jeffrey!"

"Susie!"

Susie sighed and tossed the apple core onto the compost heap. "Okay, forget it for now. What's that you're rubbing into your hands?"

"Swarfega, top stuff, you should get some - it removes all sorts of gunk," I replied, scrutinising her face.

"Make-up isn't gunk, Jeffrey. You'll come to appreciate it, believe me."

I was enjoying sparring with her, but I wanted to know what was really going on. "Susie, all kidding aside, there's only one reason I can think of for you wanting me as a boyfriend."

"And what's that, Jeffrey?"

"My mother's paying you."

"Do you know what you're saying, Jeffrey?" Susie spluttered.

"Ah well, maybe you're doing it as a favour," I wavered.

"That's a pretty big favour for a stranger - why would I do that?"

"I don't know, perhaps my mother knows your mother and ... No! I didn't start this - you should be explaining to me."

"First, you tell me why your mother's so desperate for you to have a girlfriend," Susie countered.

She'd touched a sore spot and the Jeffrey of this last summer surfaced, "That's none of your business! Get back over the fence and let's forget the whole thing."

To my surprise Susie muttered, "If that's want you want, Jeffrey," and slouched off. It seemed so out of character, but it was quite affecting watching her walk away into the setting sun. When she hesitated and started shuffling atop the fence, I gave in and called out, "Did you do much acting at your last school, Susie?"

"Don't be such a smart-ass, Jeffrey; come and help me down, I've snagged my bloody pants."

I jogged over and pulled her trouser leg free. She repaid me with a smile, "Thanks, Jeffrey, now which side of the fence is it to be?"

I'm wanting something: maybe it's Susie. I hope so - otherwise this could be a big mistake. "My side, Susie, my side - Mum would really like me to have a girlfriend."

"Don't start that again, Jeffrey!"

"Look, I suppose I should explain. I don't know why, but these last few months I've been behaving a little oddly. It's not surprising my mother's having some funny ideas."

"What exactly have you done to upset your mother?" demanded Susie.

"Oh, nothing so awful, I've just been a little reclusive."

"Come on, the whole truth."

"Well, I've spent almost the entire summer playing Robinson Crusoe in my bedroom, and when I have come out I've hardly said a word," I confessed - "sometimes I think I'm producing leavemealone instead of testosterone."

"I'm just the Girl Friday you need," enthused Susie, "I'm taking Psychology, Sociology and ..."

"... and Astrology," I laughed, "to go with Kidology and Codology."

"No, Biology," she snorted, "and they are all serious subjects: wait and see how I ferret out the secrets of your character. I'll bring forth a whole new you."

"I'm afraid you're in for a big disappointment."

"Then, it'll just be a bit of harmless fun," she smiled, before adding, "What other funny ideas has your mother had?"

"Well, when she's not suggesting I get a girlfriend, she's urging me to join the scouts or sea cadets - you know, mix with other boys," I shuddered, "as if there aren't enough of them at school."

"You don't want to be one of the lads then."

"Susie, I don't even want to try to be one of the lads." I paused before adding, "Just between you and me, that's not my biggest worry, because it's not really in her power - what is in her power though, is to get married again. Not because she wants a husband, but because she wants me to have a father's influence- whatever good that would do."

"So, Jeffrey, I'll be saving you and your mother from a fate worse than death."

"That pretty much sums it up," I smiled, "Come on and meet the parent."

On our way to the house I said, "Susie, I'm still puzzled why you want me for a boyfriend: you could have had your pick of the sixth form."

"But I've got my pick of the sixth form," she cooed, as I opened the back door.

Mum was on the sofa cleaning the silver. It's Dad's cups and medals from his amateur football days. I saw the tear in her eye when she looked up. Susie noticed too and put her arm around my waist. In the uneasy silence that followed, it came home to me what a self-centred little wretch I'd been this last summer. Okay then, better suffer ill than do ill. "Hey Mum, you won't believe this - I've got myself a girlfriend," and I pushed Susie forward.

"Hello, Mrs Smith, I'm Susie Jones, the lucky girl."

I had my first reward; the big smile on my mother's face as she shook Susie's hand. "You don't know how pleased I am to meet you Susie. I hope you know what you are taking on, I think Jeffrey may be somewhat lacking in social skills."

"Don't worry, Mrs Smith, Jeffrey is exactly the kind of boy I've been looking for - I'm looking forward to reforming him."

I would have liked to hear all their conversation, but it was too embarrassing - I'm not an object to be talked about in the third person. I escaped into the kitchen. Do mothers and girlfriends always get on that well? As I washed my hands, it occurred to me that from now on it might be two against one.

I think I was right to be wary, because somehow we wound up in my bedroom with the door closed. Call me old-fashioned, but I was envisioning more of a Jane Austen style courtship.

"Isn't this great, Jeffrey?"

"What, Susie?"

"Me getting into your room at the first attempt - what luck! You were right, your mother really must be desperate."

"Yeah, it's hard to imagine how things could have worked out better. Don't be shy of making yourself at home."

"Thanks, Jeffrey, I won't," she replied, firing up my computer.

"Do you know what irony is, Susie?" I asked.

"Sure as shooting I do. Why, got a shirt that needs pressing?" smirked Susie.

I grimaced. Let her poke around all she pleased, she'd find nothing. As for what her motives were ... well, while she was analysing me, I'd be analysing her - and may the best man win.

"Hey, Jeffrey, what's this mp3 Shambleau? It's the only thing that sounds mysterious."

"Classic science fiction - a cautionary tale, which, Susie, I've duly noted. Great to listen to in bed with the lights out."

"What else do you like to do in bed with the lights out, Jeffrey?"

"Well, best of all, I like to drift off to the Shipping Forecast - read by one of the female announcers."

Susie rolled her eyes before double-clicking on the file. After a couple of minutes she said, " She's got one sexy voice - do I sound like that?"

"No, you're not American."

"Right! I want to take it home: she can give me some elocution lessons."

"There's a spare flash drive in the drawer, you can use that."

After a good root through the contents of the drawer, she found the drive and Shambleau was soon in her possession - as no doubt, were some other files. With a satisfied smile, she turned around and surveyed the rest of the room.

"This is a pretty Spartan looking set-up, Jeffrey."

"Spartan - Susie, believe me, one thing I'm not cut out to be is a Spartan."

"Okay then, how about austere?"

"How can a room full of books be austere?"

"No posters, no photos, no ornaments, and - no cuddly toys. I'll have to bring some of my things over - brighten it up a bit. How about that, Jeffrey?"

"Is that really necessary?"

"Course it is, I'll be spending lots of time up here. I want it to be a home from home."

"Don't you think you're rushing things a little Susie? After all, we may not be compatible."

"Let me worry about that, Jeffrey, all you have to do is ..."

"... lie back and think of England," I smiled, and flopped back on the bed.

"Now you're rushing things, Jeffrey," she grinned. "Back to business: I want to ask you a favour."

"Ask away."

"Tomorrow I have to deliver some magazines for my dad. He's an estate agent and he's putting out an advertising freebie. You know the thing, news pinched from the local paper, Internet jokes and reader's letters. Actually, for this first issue, I wrote the reader's letters," she confided, "I'm really proud of the one about dog poo - and I had to edit the jokes," she continued, "Some of them are only fit for the local rugby club. Dad still plays rugby. He's a second row forward. Mum's afraid he'll have a heart attack."

"Susie, what's the favour," I interrupted.

"Would you come with me? I don't know the area and I don't want to be walking the streets alone."

"Oh it's pretty safe around here ..."

"Oh come on, Jeffrey, you know you'd never forgive yourself if anything happened to me,"

"I think I would, Susie, after all, I've only known you for half an hour. But, I suppose being a boyfriend has its obligations."

"Hey, it won't be plain sailing for me either: my dad would like me to have a big, beefy, rugby playing boyfriend in his own image - you're going to be a major disappointment," she chided.

"The whole first fifteen fancy you like mad, wouldn't you like to date one of them?"

"Would I sugar! I don't have an Oedipus complex," she huffed.

"You know best," I demurred. "What time do you want to start?"

"Be at your front gate with your bike at six in the morning."

"Six in the morning - it'll still be dark."

"Yeah, that's why I want you with me."

"Let's go at a more reasonable time."

"No, I want to get it out of the way, then we'll have the rest of the day to ourselves."

"But it's Sunday, I have a lie in, breakfast in bed, read the papers ..."

"Jeffrey! You're spoiled rotten. Come on, if two hours with me exhausts you, you can go back to bed."

"All right, all right, but my mother's going to think I've had a brainstorm."

"That's agreed then. One more thing: we're sort of company representatives, so we want to look smart," she explained, advancing towards my wardrobe. "Let's see what you've got in here."

"Okay, but don't scream when you find the severed head."

"Very funny, Jeffrey - if you don't want me to look, you only have to say."

"No, go ahead, you can probably give me some useful fashion tips."

"Don't worry, from now on we'll be shopping together," she threatened, as she emerged with an armful of clothes.

"Hey, Susie, this is all brand new stuff - I'm saving it for ..."

"For what, Jeffrey?"

"Well, for when I wear out the old stuff," I complained.

"Don't be contrary," she replied, making for the door, "I'll see you in the morning."

At least I had a good parting shot: "Sooosie, the light switch is on the left as you go in."

"Go in where?"

"My shed, dummy; I know you swiped the key out of the drawer."

Susie started to colour up.

"Would you believe it? I've made you blush before you made me blush: what were the odds against that?"

"Pretty long," she sighed.

"Aw, don't look so disappointed. Anyway you can do me a favour; take my mother with you, it'll put her mind at rest - tell her you're borrowing a can of oil."

I resigned myself to the fact of having a shed with chintz curtains. But as I lay there, and thought about Susie, I didn't really care.

Perhaps I have had a brainstorm.

 

Chapter 2

"Morning, Jeffrey, I've had a full breakfast, and I'm ready for a fight with anyone," announced Susie, and gave me a punch on the arm.

"Hang on, Susie, I've had no breakfast and I've not woken up yet. I can barely keep my eyes open."

"Cheer up sleepy, Jeff, and take a few deep breaths," she warbled. "Then tell me why you've got four bikes in your shed."

"Don't call me Jeff, please; I'm definitely not a Jeff."

"Sorry, Jeffreee, it was just poetic licence. Now about the bikes."

"I don't know; I must have an acquisitive nature - it's not only bikes. What did you think when you looked inside? "

"Squirrel and nuts."

"You can scoff, but you can be certain of one thing - I won't be collecting anymore girlfriends. You're going to be my one and only."

We set off. I ended up pushing my bike and Susie's bike plus trailer, while she delivered the magazines. That was fine with me: less chance of some ferocious little terrier snapping at my ankles. As the sleepiness wore off, I found I was enjoying chatting with Susie and watching her go up and down the paths. It must have showed, because she said, "What are you smiling at, Jeffrey?"

"I'm simply happy to be with you, Susie, perhaps I'm not so odd after all."

"You're not odd, Jeffrey, just different."

"Not that different: look at us, Susie, we're dressed exactly the same."

"Yeah, we are, aren't we? It's okay though, I don't mind if you want to dress like me - it's rather sweet."

"Wait a minute, you picked out these clothes for me," I objected.

"So I did. Well, I suppose sports top, jogging trousers and trainers are chilly, early morning, paper-delivering clothes."

"Some people might think it peculiar."

"Only if you're wearing a bra and panties," she laughed. "Anyway, if you're really worried about looking like me, you should do something about your hair."

"It's cut every month," I protested.

"Change your barber, Jeffrey, he's using rubber scissors."

"That would be awkward. We have an odd relationship," I hesitated.

"Go on, I promise not to be shocked," Susie teased.

"He's coming up to ninety years old and he says he's never going to retire. He wants to die with his scissors in his hand and his comb in someone's hair. I don't want to disappoint him: I'm his only customer with a full head of hair. In fact, I'm practically his only customer - he's outlived the rest. Anyway, I like going there, it's peaceful - and he doesn't talk about football."

"That doesn't explain why your hair's so long."

"Well, his first words are always, 'Just a trim Jeffrey'. I always agree, and this is the result - it's sort of crept down on me," I grinned.

"And you like it long, don't you?"

"Uh, I guess so. It's ... it's, oh I don't know ..."

"Sensual," offered Susie, swirling her hair around with a shake of her head.

I was thankful for an opportunity to change the subject. "Susie, we're coming to the House of Cats, okay if I just hang back."

"What's the matter got an allergy?"

Before I could answer, Susie had her first sight of the House of Cats: "Crikey, Jeffrey! Who lives there? Norman Bates!"

The old house stood on its own little hill. It was the only one in town with wooden shutters on its windows - and the only one with umpteen cats prowling the grounds.

"I wish he did - at least I'd be safe."

"I wouldn't be too sure, Jeffrey," Susie winked, before adding, "Come on, who lives there?"

"Just an eccentric old woman, Miss Hackett. A lot of people believe she's a witch and steer clear of her."

"But you don't believe that."

"Of course not. I wouldn't run away with the other kids, and somehow I ended up going messages and doing little jobs for her."

"That doesn't explain why you want to avoid her."

"Well, she started asking me in for cups of tea and I was embarrassed to keep making excuses."

"Scared she was going to turn you into a cat?" Susie laughed.

"No! But with dozens of cats having free run of the place, what do you suppose the house is like inside? There'll be cat pee and cat poo everywhere - including the refreshments."

"This is too good to miss - come on, don't be such a wuss, I want to meet a real live witch."

"I told you, she's not a witch: she's a Cataholic, like the Pope."

"Oh, Jeffrey, after that I'm going to show you no mercy, you deserve everything that's coming to you."

Susie seized my arm and dragged me up the path through the ranks of assorted cats. Halfway along, the front door opened and there was no dignified way out.

Miss Hackett greeted us with a big smile. "Jeffrey, how nice to see you. It's been so long - and you've brought a friend with you. What a lovely young couple you make - my very own Hansel and Gretel," she chuckled.

Susie beamed all over her face.

I was sitting on the sofa. Susie had monopolised Miss Hackett and was now in the kitchen with her, which was some insurance against drinking cat pee. I had a cute little kitten purring in my lap. We were getting along just fine. I guess I must be a cat person. As far as I could see and smell the house was spotless: Miss Hackett must be the world's number one cat trainer - or maybe she has been changing people into cats, I mused.

Susie reappeared first. "Hey, Jeffrey, it's a regular pharmacopoeia back there," she grinned. "We made up a very special cup of tea, when we've finished we're having our tea leaves read."

Before I could squash that idea, Miss Hackett appeared with a plate of cakes.

"Help yourself, Jeffrey, Susie told me you missed breakfast in bed to help her out. He's such a sweet boy isn't he, Susie?"

"Sweet as a peach, Miss Hackett, sweet as a peach."

I reckoned having a mouthful of cake was the smartest way to deal with the teasing. So, let me eat cake for breakfast.

"That's right, Jeffrey, tuck in," encouraged Miss Hackett, "you've lost weight over the summer."

"I've burned off some puppy fat on my bike, that's all," I grunted, and stuffed in another cake hoping that would satisfy her. I was relieved when she and Susie started discussing the finer points of fortune telling. I took my opportunity, swirled the remains of my tea in the cup and swallowed the lot - tea leaves and all - she was going to need X-ray vision to read my future.

"Pass over your cup, Jeffrey," Susie smiled. Her face fell when she saw it was empty. "Jeffrey! How could you? Look what he's done, Miss Hackett."

"Never mind, Susie, let me read your cup - Jeffrey is sure to be in there."

I took my chance and eased the little kitten onto the floor - now was the time to make my escape. "I'll let you two get on with it, I'd better get back to the bikes, they aren't locked and you can't be too careful. Thanks for everything, Miss Hackett." I was on my way before they could reply.

Ten minutes later Susie joined me back at the bikes. "That was rude of you, Jeffrey, disappearing like that."

"Sorry, Susie, I thought you might like a bit of privacy."

"No you didn't, you just wanted to get out. Anyhow do you want to know your future, Jeffrey?"

I smiled and sang, "Susie and Jeffrey are gonna get married."

"How did you know that?" she demanded.

"Gee, Susie, what else would she tell you - she could see you're totally besotted with me. By the way, do we get married before or after you win the lottery?"

"You can laugh, but there are more things in heaven and earth, Jeffrey - I can learn a lot from Miss Hackett."

"One thing she does know something about," I conceded, "is how to control cats; it's amazing how they were all so well behaved."

"Not so amazing, Jeffrey, you were the only one in there with any balls."

"What about you, Susie? I'm pretty sure you're not lacking in that department - metaphorically speaking," I quickly added.

"I'll take that as a compliment, Jeffrey, from someone who was so happy with a little pussy in his lap. Would you like one of your own?"

"I don't know about that, Susie: I was quite fond it, but it's a big responsibility. A kitten's not only for Christmas, you know."

"Never mind Christmas, what do you do for Halloween, Jeffrey?"

"Nothing, that sort of thing doesn't interest me: I'll be having a quiet night in."

"Things are different now, Jeffrey - you've got a girlfriend, and the school's having a dance."

"Susie, in six weeks' time you'll have forgotten all about me. I'll have bored you to tears long before that."

"You're not putting me off, we're going to make a perfect Hansel and Gretel."

"There's no way I'm prancing around in a pair of tight leather shorts, or any sort of shorts for that matter," I spluttered.

"No problem, Jeffrey, I'll be the one in the shorts, you'll be wearing the dress."

This didn't come as a total surprise to me. I may be naive, but I'm not a fairy who's just fallen off the Christmas tree. "Susie, I think I should explain something. Appearances can be deceptive. In here, "I said, tapping my head "is a hundred percent boy brain."

"A hundred percent?"

"Yes, one hundred percent."

"How do you work that out, Jeffrey?"

"Because it's by far the best maths brain in the school," I said somewhat immodestly, "and maths is real boy stuff. What have you got to say about that?"

"I don't like sums, Jeffrey."

"Precisely. You're an ologist - but I won't hold that against you, as long as you realise that I have the archetypal male mathematical brain. Do you understand?"

"Perfectly, Jeffrey," she smirked, "You may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but you've the brain of Einstein."

I didn't like the 'weak and feeble', but I let it go. Why argue? A couple of weeks from now it'll be someone else's problem.

We reached the end of our round, 'Millionaires' Row', up by the golf course. "Best behaviour, Jeffrey. If dad gets a few clients from around here, I'll get an increased dress allowance."

"You should do what I do, Susie - let your mother buy all your clothes."

"Oh, Jeffrey, you're going to be like putty in my hands."

I was still pondering that last remark when we arrived at the last house on the route. The former farm stood at the end of a rutted lane. I secured the bikes, removed my pump, and we set off down the path.

"Don't you think you're overdoing the precautions, Jeffrey? Nobody's going to steal your pump."

"You never know who's lurking in the shrubbery. This is top of the range - why risk it?"

"All right, but when we're in town shopping, I don't want you walking around with a bicycle pump in your hand."

I'd no idea what she was talking about - anyway, I usually stuck it down my trouser leg, so she wouldn't have to worry.

We arrived at a chained five-barred gate, "Stick it in that gap and let's be on our way."

"No, we can hop over, come on," Susie urged.

"Hold on, there's a dog patrolling the grounds."

"Hey, do you know what kind of dog that is, Jeffrey?"

"Yeah, Susie, it's a big dog."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, I'm fully prepared for this situation."

"You've brought along a tranquilliser gun, have you?"

"No, Jeffrey. You're not the only one with a generous helping of the old grey matter. I've done my research: I know almost as much about dog psychology as human psychology."

"And where did you get all this doggy data?"

"Where else, Jeffrey, the Internet: it's my number one source of knowledge."

"Oooh." The look of dismay on my face only spurred Susie on.

"You must never be frightened of a dog, Jeffrey. A dog will only bite if it senses fear: then it thinks - first bite is best bite - here goes. If you stand still and talk softly but firmly, there's no danger. Only those who hit out or run away get bitten. Come on, once we get in there, we'll soon be the best of friends."

"Aaah." I still wasn't convinced - and it showed.

"Have faith, Jeffrey, all the best dog trainers are women. It's the female hormones; once that dog gets my scent, I'll have him jumping through hoops."

"I've never heard of that. Besides it won't do me any good, I smell of cat."

"You'll be all right, I've got enough for both of us. Now come on! Don't be such a wimp."

"Forget it, Susie, better a live dog than a dead lion."

"Watch me, Jeffrey, this is real boy stuff." And with that she clambered over the gate and dropped down on the other side.

Susie strolled to the centre of the yard where she met up with a somewhat bemused dog. "See, Jeffrey, I've already got him mesmerised," she called over her shoulder. "Now listen and learn."

Susie halted and began to speak in a low soothing voice. The hound slowly circled, before nonchalantly stepping forward and seizing her trousers at the top of the thigh. A loud ripping sound followed and the dog loped away before turning to admire its handiwork.

Susie stood mute, frozen to the spot. I had the good manners not to say 'I told you so', and helpfully offered; "Back up slowly to the gate, Susie."

The dog moved first: with a menacing growl, it advanced for a second attack.

"Come on, Susie, run for it!"

"Ooooohhhhhh!"

Adrenaline's a wonderful thing: despite the flapping trouser leg, Susie made it to the gate first and without checking her stride, vaulted over and fell in a heap at my feet. She's quite an athlete, I thought admiringly, just before a snarling Hound of the Baskervilles scrambled onto the top of the gate and launched itself at me.

"Aaaaaaahhhhh!"

I threw out my arms to no avail, after an initial jolt, a terrific bang on my chest knocked me flat. As I lay there winded, a warm, wet sensation spread up my chest. I raised my head and saw twin streams of blood pumping out of the dog's nose. My rising panic subsided - it wasn't my blood. I was even happier when the dog gave a convulsive jerk and the fountains ceased.

I propped myself up and looked across at Susie. "Live lion, dead dog," she gasped. "What happened? Are you okay, Jeffrey?"

"Fine thanks, Susie. What a stroke of luck It's burst a blood vessel. That's the danger of a red meat diet and a violent temper."

"I don't think so, Jeffrey, look in its mouth - the pump has proved as mighty as the sword."

She was right: the pump had disappeared down the dog's throat. I gave a shudder. "Did I do that, Susie?"

"You must have, Jeffrey. I think you may have overreacted. Couldn't you just have bopped it on the nose?"

"He wasn't playing to Marquis of Queensbury rules, Susie," I griped, as I pushed the dog off. "Oh, look at this." I read out the name engraved on its expensive collar - "Champion Prince Kazarak Hinari. What are we going to do, Susie? I've cruelly dispatched pedigreed canine royalty - and, no doubt, a beloved family pet."

"There'll be some awkward questions coming our way, Jeffrey. We need a better story than the truth; if only we can think of one." Susie paused and frowned. "It'd be easier if some of that blood was yours. You're a right bloody mess."

"We're in a right bloody mess, Susie. I hope you're fully prepared for this situation."

We sat in a glum silence. Then Susie's face brightened. "Well, Jeffrey, at least we've learned one important lesson from all this."

"And what would that be, Susie?" I sighed.

"Don't believe everything you read on the Internet."

 

I didn't go in, Susie came out. I was flat on my back again, but this time I had Susie on top of me. "Hansel and Gretel?" I gasped, "Laurel and Hardy more like."

Susie and Jeffrey 3 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 3

"I was misinformed - dangerously misinformed: to think I gave that advice a five star rating," Susie grumbled, removing her waist cord and tying up her torn trouser leg. "What's up, Jeffrey? You're very quiet, are you in shock?"

"No, Susie, I'm thinking about damage limitation. Do dogs commit suicide?"

"Hardly ever, Jeffrey, and never by impaling themselves on bicycle pumps. We have to be realistic. Look at the facts: I was trespassing and you killed a valuable dog. If we aren't prosecuted, we'll probably be sued for damages. Even worse, my dad isn't going to like this kind of publicity. They'll blackball him at the golf club."

"We could say it was all my fault, Susie," I offered.

"We're in this together, Jeffrey: the only way out for us is a cover-up. We need to put that dog to bed with a shovel. It's lucky they're having a Sunday morning lie in, because you're going to have to break into those outbuildings to get one."

"That's just asking for trouble, Susie - a cover-up will only make things worse."

"Only if we get caught - and we're not going to get caught. Trust me, Jeffrey, I know exactly what to do." Susie put her hand on my shoulder and breathed "We'll be partners in the perfect crime - bound together throughout eternity by a blood sacrifice."

"Steady on, Susie, you're entering the realms of fantasy. Let's confess - and I'll buy you a ring."

"Confess and be hanged - no way, Jeffrey. Get burgling."

"Half an hour ago you wanted Barbie, now you want Action Man. You're getting neither."

"All right, I'll do it myself."

Susie was on her way. I didn't need psychic powers to see disaster looming. "No, we don't need a shovel," I called after her. "Go get the magazine and stick it in the gate. We came, we saw nothing and we left. If we're going to cover this up, we've got to do it properly."

She stopped and turned. "But ..."

"No 'buts', Susie, get a move on."

I took off my bloodied top and t-shirt, and used the backs of them to clean up. The stain at the top of my dark trousers wasn't too noticeable. I was quite respectable by the time she returned. "You can't go around like that, Jeffrey, but I'm blowed if I know what you should do."

"Give me your top, Susie," I sighed.

"How does it feel, Jeffrey?" she grinned as I pulled it on.

"Exactly the same as mine - but it does smell nice." I took a deep breath. "What's the perfume, Susie?"

"That's not perfume Jeffrey, that's the scent of girl you're inhaling." Then she laughed, "One small step for Jeffrey, one giant leap for Denise."

"Who's Denise, Susie?"

"That's my middle name, I'm Susan Denise Jones."

"I know who Denise is: she's a figment of your fevered imagination and she's staying that way."

"Morning dreams come true, Jeffrey."

I pushed my clothes onto the dog and secured them with the waist cord. We were ready to go. I lifted the dog by the front legs and looked at Susie. "Come on, don't be squeamish, grab the back legs and let's be on our way."

"I'm no faint-heart, Jeffrey, you can rely on me. Wither thou goest, I goest."

"That's music to my ears, Susie - I lead, you follow."

"Don't get too smug, Jeffrey, come Halloween, I'll be in command and you'll be going backwards in high heels."

"I don't think so, Susie: I'd never wear high heels in a rowing boat. Now, let's concentrate on the job in hand."

We struggled back to the bikes and dumped the dog by the trailer. "Whew, Jeffrey, this dog's a dead weight," Susie panted and collapsed laughing.

Displaying icy self-control, I transferred the remaining magazines to my bike carrier. "Right, Susie, laughter break over - into the trailer with it."

Susie took a deep breath and we heaved the dog into the trailer. I pushed its legs down and pulled the cover over. "So far so good, Jeffrey, but I still think we need a shovel."

"Don't worry, our great Grimpen Mire will do the work for us," I smirked.

"The what?"

"Sherlock Holmes, I've read the entire works - not really girl's literature. I hope you also noticed how I behaved when you had a fit of hysteria."

"Sorry colonel-sir-sergeant-corporal," Susie rapped out, with a click of her heels and exaggerated salute. "Strict boy mode for both of us until we get rid of this bloody dog."

We hadn't far to go; after half a mile, we reached the access ramp at the back of the sea wall. "How will we manage a burial at sea, Jeffrey? Are we going to steal a boat?"

"The tide's out, Susie and I know where the patches of quicksand are. They're treacherous; they swallow motorbikes on a regular basis, so a dog will be no problem."

"Are you sure about this? It sounds like we may end up three in a bed."

"I'm sandgrown, Susie: I can smell quicksand. Now come on, let's get the trailer unhitched."

We hauled the trailer up the slope. "Remember, Susie, if anybody asks, we're off to collect our nightlines."

"Hey, Jeffrey, it's spooky how you've got an answer for everything, you haven't done this kind of thing before have you?"

"Of course not, Susie, I told you what kind of brain I have - and I help it by eating a lot of fish."

"I've underestimated you, Jeffrey, but I don't mind, we're going to have even more fun than I thought."

"I'm going to buy you a dictionary, Susie, and the first thing we'll look up is the definition of 'fun'."

She gave me a big smile as we emerged on the lower walkway. There was a dog walker coming our way, but we were down the ramp and out over the shingle onto the hard sand before he passed.

"Time to run, Susie, we're heading for the end of that outflow pipe." We splashed our way through a couple of gullies before we arrived at our goal. "It's all clear, Susie, let's get our friend out."

"I hope rigor mortis hasn't set in. Just our luck to have it stuck in the trailer."

"No sweat, Susie, it's three hours before that happens."

"I'll say it again, Jeffrey: you know a sight too much about the disposal of dead bodies."

"All knowledge innocently acquired I assure you, Susie."

We had the dog out on the sand. "First I want my pump back - pull his jaws apart, Susie."

"You wouldn't get many girlfriends doing this for their boyfriend on a first date," Susie grimaced, as she grasped the bloody jaws.

I gave a sharp tug and out it came with a slurp. "Ugh, what's that on my hands?" Susie moaned at a dark glutinous mass.

"You'll be okay: there's worse things in MacDonald's. Wipe them on its coat - it won't bite."

"My turn will come, Jeffrey."

"I know, but you'll have to work for it. Ready, then lift. We'll walk towards the pipe until we start to sink and then heave it in."

"I just hope you remember how I followed you unquestioningly, Jeffrey."

"This is it. Swing it, Susie. On three let go and jump back. One ... two ... three ... away."

The dog landed with a splat and began to sink. "It's working, Jeffrey, we're going to get away with it."

"Do you want to say a few words, Susie?" I asked as the dog vanished with a satisfying gurgle.

"Bloody good riddance," she cried and jumped in the air. That was a big mistake - she landed and went in up to her knees. "Oh Jeffrey, get me out of here."

I whipped off my top. "Grab the sleeve, Susie. When I pull, you jump. Whatever you do, don't let go."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, if I don't come out, you're coming in."

I didn't go in, Susie came out. I was flat on my back again, but this time I had Susie on top of me. "Hansel and Gretel?" I gasped, "Laurel and Hardy, more like."

"Thanks, Jeffrey, sorry about the thigh in the groin. Have I done any damage - I can't feel anything down there. Has it all gone north?"

"No, Susie; it hasn't gone west either. Let me up please, I've a soggy bottom now, as well as a sticky front."

"Better that, than a sticky bottom and a soggy front," Susie laughed, as she helped me up.

I pulled my top back on and made ready to leave.

"Wait a minute, Jeffrey, my feet feel funny. Oh sugar! I've lost my trainers - they cost me a fortune."

"Get some like mine next time - ten pounds from Aldi. They're all made in China: no one will notice the difference."

"Sometimes, Jeffrey, I'm tempted to believe you have a one hundred percent Neanderthal brain."

"That's not an insult. Let's see you survive an ice age and kill a mammoth."

Susie wasn't paying attention; she was sniffing the air. "What's that stink, Jeffrey?"

"It's your feet, Susie, they smell of quicksand. You brought up some of the bottom stuff."

She sniffed again, longer and deeper. "That's not the smell of quicksand," she exploded, "that's the smell of shit. No wonder we've got this place to ourselves, we've been romping around in a bloody cesspit."

"No we haven't, it's just sand that pongs a bit."

"It's black, it's sticky and it stinks - it's shit, Jeffrey. What comes out of that pipe?"

"Rainwater mainly, unless the sewers get overloaded, but that's not supposed to happen very often."

"That's criminal, Jeffrey, I'll be writing a strong letter of protest to the local paper."

"No, don't do that. We don't want to stir up any trouble around here."

Susie frowned. "You're right - best let sleeping dogs lie, but it goes against the grain."

"That's the prudent thing. Come on, don't get upset, we can wash it off in the gully on the way back."

"That's all very well, but we can't go home like this. What are we going to say?"

"I'm way ahead of you, Susie. We cycle out to the car boot sale and buy some new clothes. My mother insists that I always have my emergency money with me."

A gleam appeared in Susie's eyes, "I get to do the shopping, Jeffrey."

"We'll have to talk about that, Susie. Come on, back to the bikes."

In the gully, I took off Susie's socks and did my best to wash out the bottoms of her trousers. "They're not too bad, your socks got the worst of it."

"I can't go barefoot, Jeffrey, what's it to be - your socks or your shoes?"

If I gave her my shoes she was going to have a head start in the shopping stakes, but I didn't fancy walking around a car boot sale with my pants in the state they were. Besides, it would be a noble gesture. "You can have my shoes, but you'll have to ride my bike - it's got serrated metal pedals."

"That's fine, Jeffrey, you can have a turn pulling the trailer."

"I should warn you, Susie, the first time on a racing saddle can be painful - especially for girls."

"In what way?"

"You'll have to find that out for yourself. How a girl's nether regions and a racing saddle fit together is a complete mystery to me. The big danger though is to something we do have in common - the nerve in the crotch. Pinch that ever so slightly over a long ride and you'll be numb down there for weeks."

"Are you trying to put me off, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie, but don't blame me if you end up walking like John Wayne."

On the way up the beach, I threw some driftwood in the trailer. "In case anybody wonders what we're up to, Susie; we can pass for a couple of homeless urchins struggling to survive."

I was relieved to be back on the bikes and heading into the country.

"You've done it, Jeffrey, committed the perfect murder. No motive, no body and no witnesses."

"There is one witness, Susie and she knows where the body is buried. I hope I won't regret pulling you out of that quicksand. No careless talk, eh?"

"My lips are sealed, Jeffrey. I was thinking we could send a ransom note to put them off the trail."

"Are you mad, Susie?" I spluttered. "They're not on the trail, but they will be if we send them our DNA. The police won't bother about a runaway dog, but they will about a kidnapping. Let's keep it simple."

"I defer to your superior knowledge on all things criminal, Jeffrey. Subject closed, after you tell me one thing: did you know what you were doing with that pump?"

"No ... but my subconscious might have."

"Explain, Jeffrey."

"Well, I do a lot of reading and things stick. I can recall skimming through a book about how to deal with various emergencies."

"And that was one of them?"

"Yes: just be thankful I wasn't carrying an umbrella, or there would have been blood and guts everywhere."

"Enough said, Jeffrey."

"One thing I'd like to know, Susie - was any of this in your tea leaves?"

"Not in detail: that'd be like asking for the winner of the Grand National and that's not allowed."

"Really, I wonder why not."

"Don't be cynical, Jeffrey. She did say that I was a trifle headstrong and it would get me into trouble - frequently. But not to worry - you'd always be there to extricate me."

"Do you know, Susie, I always imagined having a girlfriend who would look after me, like my mother. She'd bring me breakfast in bed ..."

"... and buy your clothes for you," Susie interjected triumphantly.

I subtly increased speed and whenever the elastic looked like breaking I eased back. Susie knew what I was doing, but she put her head down and ploughed on. It wasn't a wasted effort, because as we arrived above the car boot field it began spotting with rain.

"You're a little demon on a bike, Jeffrey, my legs are like jelly."

"We have to hurry, Susie, it's starting to pour down - they're already packing up."

"Give me my top back, I'll tie it around my waist to cover up the rip."

I dutifully obeyed, then unzipped my back pocket and dug out the fifty pounds. "I'd better take it all, Jeffrey, there'll be no time for shopping around - worse luck."

Susie grabbed the money and was off down the hill. "Go easy," I called after her, "just get the essentials - but don't get me a football shirt with some dork's name across the back." Not that there was much danger of that, I thought ruefully.

I withdrew into a little wood for shelter and found a pool of rainwater. I stripped off and with a wetted trouser leg rubbed the congealed blood from my belly. I dried myself with the other leg, sat down with my clothes in my lap and waited.

"Where are you, Jeffrey?"

"In here, Susie."

"I'm soaked, but have I got a bargain," she exulted, holding up two bulging black bags.

"Have I got any change?"

"No, Jeffrey, we've got a stack of expensive, top designer clothes."

"Hang on, you've been to a boot sale, not Harrods. You've probably bought a load of fakes. Did you give them the once-over?"

"Just a quick look, the woman was ready to drive off. I'm a good judge of character; she had a genuine reason for the sale."

"Let me guess," I interrupted, "she was emigrating to Australia and everything must go." Susie looked nonplussed. "I'm right, aren't I? Fifty pounds on a load of tat."

"Tat or not, Jeffrey, you'll be wearing it, unless you've had a sudden urge to take up Naturism. I wouldn't advise it - you're already turning blue."

I was going all goosepimply, but thank God, the rain had stopped." Find something in there to dry me off."

Susie rummaged in one of the bags and finally handed over some sort of shawl. I turned around and started towelling down. "That's a perky little bum, Jeffrey."

"It's a cyclist's bottom, Susie, firm and springy. To tell you the truth, now I've lost my puppy fat, I think I look kind of svelte."

"Here you are, get your svelte little body into some of these clothes," and she threw over one of the bags. "I'm off to change."

I found a pair of briefs and slipped them on. They must make unisex ones, because I'm sure I've worn something like them before. Susie had shown some mercy - she'd left me a pair of girl's jeans. I soon had them on with a t-shirt, socks and trainers. I could have settled for another couple of t-shirts, but it seemed selfish not to give Susie a little of what she fancied. On went a white blouse and a leather biker jacket.

Susie came back across. She looked the same as when we set out, so one of us wouldn't be facing any awkward questions when they arrived home. Her eyes were shining. "They're right, Jeffrey, clothes do maketh the man. God, you're gorgeous - you look so girly."

I was so surprised that I forgot to blush. "What do you mean girly? This is a butch look."

"You can't do butch, Jeffrey, leave that to me."

"You can't either, Susie, whatever you may think."

"I'm not going to argue, Jeffrey, I'm so happy. You've saved me from having to learn Japanese."

"You've lost me, Susie."

"There's a Japanese game show where they dress boys up as girls. It's wonderful: the studio audience is all schoolgirls."

"Ah, one of those torture shows. What happens?"

"I'm a bit hazy about that - it's all in Japanese - it's double Dutch to me. It's very tastefully done. They dress the boys as prom queens and ask a few questions. They squirm a little, but they're awfully cute."

"What has all this to do with me?"

"Asians boys are more androgynous than western ones: I thought I'd have to find myself a Japanese boyfriend. I couldn't believe my luck when I saw you sitting there playing with your hair."

"I don't play with my hair."

"Yes you do - and in a very girly way. I'm not the only one who's noticed."

I didn't want to know if I had any more admirers, but I was curious about Susie's viewing habits, "Where have you been watching Japanese television?"

"YouTube, Jeffrey."

"Susie, the Internet is leading you astray. It's a pernicious influence and I'm the one who's being made to suffer. I'm at impressionable age - today's events could scar me for life."

"You seem to be taking it all in your stride, Jeffrey."

"I think I may be experiencing post traumatic shock right now. Why else would I be happy dressing up for you?"

"Look on the bright side, Jeffrey, if you suffer any permanent psychological damage, we can always sue Google."

 

"You're talking gobbledygook, Jeffrey."

"No I'm not, Susie, it's just over your head. In plain English: this will never happen again."

"Never is a long day, Jeffrey."

"Ah, but consider this, Susie: I've suffered a harrowing experience and as a result, I've ended up cross-dressing. That," I concluded triumphantly, "is what you psychologists call aversion therapy."

Susie and Jeffrey 4 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 4

"It's part of my fantasy," Susie pleaded, "Come on, it won't hurt to wear the bra."

"It's surplus to requirements: I've nothing to put in it."

"You'd be surprised, Jeffrey, these modern bras can make molehills out of puppy fat."

"This is no time for me to start cultivating a pair of budding breasts. Use your imagination - it shouldn't be too difficult, this jacket seems to have a shape all of its own."

"You're right, Jeffrey, it sits very well on you. I can believe you've a pert little bosom under there."

"No, Susie, what I've got is a pert little bottom and perky little boobs."

"Many a true word is spoken in jest: once I get you a real push-up bra, you'll be saying 'Hello boys' in no time."

I sighed. Is there a name for girls like, Susie? I wonder what Google would turn up.

Listen to this, Jeffrey. "We're snogging away, both wearing red lipstick and rubbing our breasts together." I was glad she closed her eyes because I didn't know where to look. "Ooh, I'll be thinking about that in bed tonight - how about you?"

"That's way out of my league - I've been more than happy fantasizing about BBC weather girls."

Susie shook her head and took a deep breath. "We should calm down, Jeffrey, we've had enough adventures for one day. That's something for the future."

"Susie, this morning circumstances have weirdly conspired against me. In fact, if I hadn't read Feller on random walks and coin tossing, I'd be dragging you off to the ducking stool."

"You're talking gobbledygook, Jeffrey."

"No I'm not, Susie, it's just over your head. In plain English: this will never happen again."

"Never is a long day, Jeffrey."

"Ah, but consider this, Susie: I've suffered a harrowing experience and as a result, I've ended up cross-dressing. That," I concluded triumphantly, "is what you psychologists call aversion therapy."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Leave it to me, Jeffrey, as soon as I get home, I'll be googling away."

Sometimes I may be too smart for my own good.

I stowed the bags in the trailer and we were ready to start for home.

"What's the matter, Susie?" I enquired, as she ran her hand over my saddle.

"I think I'll ride my own bike, Jeffrey; it's more comfortable. I'm a bit sore downstairs."

"Anything of that kind and my grandmother brings out the Fiery Jack."

Susie frowned. "That sounds a touch harsh for what I had in mind."

"You may be right, but it has its uses: it certainly stops dogs licking their bollocks."

"Behave, Jeffrey - we don't want you letting the side down. Remember how you're dressed."

"That reminds me of another sensitive matter, Susie, I'm a bit embarrassed to ask ..."

"Don't be, Jeffrey, as far as you're concerned I'm unshockable. Spit it out."

"Is there any chance of getting some of my money back?"

"Jeffrey, I'm shocked. I'm the girl who gave you the clothes off her back. What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine," she huffed. "Besides, you snaffled that jacket and they're a hundred pounds in the shops; I'd planned on adding it to my wardrobe."

"I'll sell it you for fifty."

"But you think it's a fake, Jeffrey."

"I've changed my mind; girls are allowed to do that aren't they?"

"It really does make you look very girly, Jeffrey."

"Tease all you like, I'm hanging onto it until you pay up - I don't care if it makes me look like Helen of Troy."

"There's a thought, Jeffrey."

"No more fantasies please, Susie. Let's concentrate on getting home safely. If anything happens to me, it'll be your fault. I'm vulnerable dressed like this."

"Worry not, I'll fend off any overenthusiastic admirers."

"That's not what I meant," I complained. "I'll just have to keep my head down and trust to luck. We'll take the old road home, that way there's no danger of being clobbered by some madman at a roundabout."

"Well, at least you'd be wearing clean underwear. I trust you're wearing panties, Jeffrey - you don't want to get a reputation."

"Thanks for your concern, Susie. I am wearing them, and very nice they are. Now let's go."

We headed west into a perfect rainbow. I was expecting a mystic interpretation of this sign from above, but Susie surprised me. "My dad listens to the juke box show on local radio - he inflicts it on all of us."

"Good on your dad, that's one thing we'll have in common - I love the oldies."

"Are you familiar with a little ditty of Randy and the Rainbows?"

"Only too familiar, they play it every other week."

"Sing along Jeffrey."

I joined in. We were halfway through Sunday Girl when Susie got a puncture.

"You don't seem too put out, Jeffrey."

"I'm not, Susie, it's just a minor inconvenience. I've got the tools - and the pump. Mending a puncture will be a welcome return to normality after this morning's trials."

I had the wheel off and started in with the tire levers. "Do you want me to hold your jacket, Jeffrey?"

"No thanks, I've grown quite attached to it. I think it suits me," I said as I stripped the tyre off.

"I've a leather skirt at home, you can borrow it and go for the full biker girl look."

"As you said, that's way too butch for me. Here, run your hand around inside this tyre - see if there's anything sharp poking through. That's no job for a delicate little flower like me."

Everything went smoothly. I was bending over, pressing down the patch when I heard a squeal of brakes. "Don't panic, Jeffrey," Susie hissed, "we've got company."

"Hello, girls, having trouble," whooped a cheery voice from behind me. "It looks like you're in need of a man. I'm Max by name and max by nature."

"Max?" Susie queried. "That's a dog's name. We know a thing or two about handling dogs."

"I like cheeky girls. What're your names?"

"None of your business, and stop ogling Denise's bum."

I became acutely aware of my cyclist's bottom straining at my jeans. I just knew we were in for a full on flirting session. My best hope was to be a silent, sulky girl and hide behind my hair.

I turned around and laid eyes on a burly boy about our age. "Good thing I came along, you'd struggle to get the tyre back on - that needs real muscles." He flexed his biceps. "Here, Denise, squeeze these."

I looked down and mumbled, "It requires technique not brute strength."

"I've had no complaints about my technique," he smirked and snatched the inner tube from me.

I scurried over to Susie's side. She pulled me into her and whispered, "It's all right, Jeffrey, you're in no danger, Bugs Bunny in drag would fool him."

"That's not very flattering, Susie."

"Don't pout, Denise; you're a little fox. He's already got his eye on your assets," She squeezed my bum. "You may respond in kind, Jeffrey."

We stood there fondling each other's bottoms. I began to feel quite giddy.

"Do you know what this is, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, Susie - it's anti-aversion therapy."

Max looked up, red-faced from struggling with the wheel. "What's up, doc?" Susie called out.

"I can't get enough leverage to force this last bit home," he puffed. "What I need is a big screwdriver."

"Can you assist him in that department, Denise?"

"Afraid not, I only carry a mini tool kit."

"Just like a girl," he snorted, and renewed his assault on the tyre. "Damn, now I've bruised my bloody thumbs." He threw the wheel down and flailed his arms about. "I think this bloody tyre must have shrunk," he whined.

We were going to be here all day; I went over and got down on my hands and knees. I pushed a couple of levers home, and thrust forward. The tyre popped into place.

"You'll have to teach me that trick, Denise, after I've shown you a few of mine," Max smirked. "How about it?"

The smack on the bottom surprised me and I went sprawling. I turned around to see Susie deliver a hefty kick up the backside. "Keep your hands to yourself, you bloody letch."

"All right, all right, I didn't mean any harm. It was just a bit of fun. Here, let me finish off the job."

After a further struggle, he got the wheel in and pumped up the tyre with a flourish. "That was more in my line. The business with the wheel must have been some sort of fluke. Let's see," he mocked, "if technique can overcome brute strength at arm wrestling. I'll take you both on at once."

"Oh you naughty girl, Denise," Susie laughed, "you've punctured his male pride."

The old Jeffrey would have shrugged off his challenge, but Susie's bringing out the boy in me. I saw a way to recoup my losses. "If we had a table I'd take you on; the fact of the matter is you're a bit of a porker."

"I'm solid muscle."

"It's burger fat. You're Big Mac Max."

His eyes popped. "If you weren't a bloody girl, I'd soon teach you a lesson."

"You want to show me what you're made of, okay, how about this? I'll race you to the top of the next hill. What's more, I'll start from here; you can start from the bottom of the hill. But I want your bike if I win."

That took him by surprise. I had time to study his face; I didn't need female intuition to know the way his mind was working. "Okay, but," he slyly added, "I want an incentive as well."

"Like what?"

"A full snogging session with both of you," he leered.

"You're on," I replied without hesitation.

"Denise, Denise, come over here," Susie cried, and dragged me away.

"Have you gone mad, Jeffrey?"

"This is all down to you, Susie."

"I've released a monster from the id. You're not supposed to behave like this."

"That's what happens when you meddle in things you don't understand. It's nemesis, Susie."

"We can discuss philosophy later. There's no way I'm snogging Porky Pig and I'm not having him snog you either."

"Calm down, Susie, he's a tub of lard. He couldn't even go three rounds with that tyre."

"There's muscle under there somewhere, and he'll be sitting down this time."

"He won't be sitting down for long; that's a vicious climb and it goes up for a quarter of a mile. He's no chance."

"Bloody hell, Jeffrey, I wish I'd never started this."

"Ten minutes from now you'll deny you ever said that. Come on let's get back."

Susie looked serious. "Wait a minute, Jeffrey; you're not doing this so you have an excuse to kiss a boy, are you?"

"Gee, Susie, you're the one who knows all about my secret desires. Do you think subconsciously I want to lose? We'll just have to see."

"Please, Jeffrey don't do this, you could get hurt," Susie pleaded.

I would have liked to keep Susie in suspense, but she needed to know what I intended. "By the way, if I turn around and come racing back downhill, don't waste any time, head for the bypass; we'll be safe in all that traffic before he knows what's happened."

Susie laughed in relief. "I should have trusted you to have a plan B; you're turning out to be a devious little bugger, Jeffrey."

"I'm afraid I'm not a maid of honour, Susie."

"Nonsense, Denise: you just don't understand the difference between girl honour and boy honour."

Max gave Susie an unfriendly stare, "I hope you haven't talked her out of it."

"Denise has talked me into it - let's shake on the deal. No backsliding," Susie added solemnly, "whoever loses abides by the bet."

I went along with Max's attempt to impress me with his handshake. "Ouch, that hurt - you don't know your own strength."

"That's what you're up against little lady," he grinned. "We'll soon be playing tonsil tennis."

"Do you have to put up with this kind of thing, Susie?"

"No, Denise, Jeffrey's in touch with his feminine side."

"That doesn't sound like the Jeffrey I know. He may be a bit of a late bloomer, but at best, he's a self-centred inky swot; he can be - pardon my French - a right little shit at times."

"That's a sister's opinion - not the most objective."

"We're twins, Susie, I know exactly how Jeffrey's mind works."

"Sounds like a poofter to me," Max interrupted, "one of those Nature's played a cruel trick on."

"Psychology is my speciality," Susie offered, "you're a classic case, Max, if Jeffrey was here, you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off him."

"You don't know what you're talking about; wait until you see me and Denise at it, I'll show you which side my bread is buttered - and then I'll show you what a real man's like. I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted Denise to lose."

"Save your breath, Max, and on your bike," I ordered.

"Five minutes from now, you'll be the one who's gasping," he grunted, and gave us a determined look before setting off.

"Did you have to let him have that much of an advantage, Jeffrey?" Susie frowned, when Max reached the bottom of the hill, and waved he was ready.

"He's at least fifty percent heavier than me; he's going from a standing start in the wrong gear, and he's no wind. I'll be going full bore when I start climbing; I'll soar up past him. You can forget Plan B - you'll probably beat him yourself."

"Do you know what hubris is, Jeffrey?"

"Don't worry, Susie, I've already used up my share this morning."

I shut my eyes and steeled myself to kiss Max. He groaned and I opened my eyes. Thank God, he was coming round. I let go of his nose and jumped back.

"That would have been a selfless act, Jeffrey."

"It wouldn't have felt right taking a bike from a dead man, Susie."

Max sat up and coughed.

"Are you going to be okay?" Susie asked.

He coughed again. "A big gob of spit went down the wrong way; I couldn't get my breath."

"You gave it a good try, Max, but the best man won," I smiled.

"It wasn't fair making me start from the bottom; I slipped a gear and banged my ankle and then I ran over a squashed squirrel and halfway up I got a stitch," he spluttered.

"That would be just after I passed you."

"Yeah, if I'd got my second wind then, it would have been a different story."

"You've had a real run of bad luck, Max; you were a second away from being kissed like you've never been kissed before. Isn't that right, Denise?"

He looked over at me. "I still feel a bit dizzy - would you like to give me the kiss of life?"

"No thanks, I'll save it for the real thing - I've had enough practice with dummies."

Max got to his feet. "I don't think you're the girl for me after all. It wouldn't hurt to show a little tender loving care to an invalid."

"I hope you're fit enough to walk home because a bet's a bet," Susie reminded him. "We shook on the deal."

"Yeah, I may be a bit of a barbarian, but I'm a man of honour."

Susie and I exchanged a guilty look.

"Here's a little consolation prize - you can watch this. I promised I'd snog the winner. Come here, Denise, you're getting some more anti-aversion therapy."

"Susie gave my breath control a stern test, but I came through with flying colours and she broke off gasping."

"Do it again," Max urged and we obliged.

"What was it like?" Max asked, wide-eyed.

"Well for my part, it was just like kissing Jeffrey; I think I must be bisexual. How about you, Denise?"

"I'm definitely a lesbian, Susie. Sorry, Max."

"It's okay. No offence, but I didn't think you were such a ladette - you're too spunky for my taste. I want a girl who knows her place. Still you're something to think about on the walk home."

I was fuming, but I echoed Susie's, "Goodbye, Max."

I waited until he was out of earshot and turned to Susie. "He called me a ladette. Oh, Susie, what have you done to me? Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself as a lad of any sort - I'm an intellectual."

"Calm down, Jeffrey, he was hacked off at the drubbing you gave him."

"No, Susie, under your influence I'm turning into a common oik. That's not at all how I see myself. I should have treated him with total disdain."

"How do you see yourself as Denise?"

"I'm not playing those games. That way lies madness."

"Come on, you didn't mind our last little games."

I closed my eyes. "Denise is a librarian."

"Aw, Jeffrey, if you're going to have a fantasy have a good one."

"Denise is a librarian, you're a BBC weather girl and we're rubbing our breasts together."

"You're making good progress, Jeffrey."

I was feeling quite tranquil as we rolled along.

"Have you done this before, Jeffrey?"

"What, Susie?"

"Steered two bikes at the same time."

"No, I'm surprised how easy it is."

"You must be a well-balanced individual, Jeffrey."

"Thank you, Susie, maybe I just have a natural flair for it."

"How's my anti aversion therapy coming along, Jeffrey?"

"What do I know, I'm only the patient, you're the expert. I'm willing to continue the treatment, if that's what you think is best. Your last effort made my toes curl, so you may be on the right track."

"I'm sure I am, Jeffrey. You look one happy bunny."

"It's a full suspension mountain bike, Susie, I should more than get my money back."

"About that, Jeffrey, it was my lips on the line as well; I think I should get a reward; that jacket for starters."

"You can have all the clothes, Susie, and anything over fifty, I'll split with you. I'll be sorry to say goodbye to the jacket, I feel more assertive wearing it. Maybe I should get a motorcycle jacket, boots and a leather cap - what do you think?"

"It'd be a disaster. You can be a biker girl, but not a biker boy."

"You're right; I could never be happy as a macho man. I'm going for a drab baggy look from now on. I'm a bit worried about the signals my bottom's sending out; I don't want a repetition of this morning's events."

"Aw, Jeffrey, I was looking forward to some more friendly fondling."

"Oh, it's not out of bounds to you, Susie; you have administrative access."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, I won't abuse the privilege. You know, everything considered, it's been a very satisfactory morning's work."

"For you maybe, I've still the problem of my mother. We're so late, she'll be waiting at the gate for me."

"She's overprotective since your dad died, isn't she?"

"Yes, she spoils me and I take advantage of her; I know I shouldn't, but it's hard not to. In spite of your little quirk, you're the best thing that could have happened to me. She was right about that."

"Stop it, Jeffrey, you're making me quite emotional."

"Sorry, Susie, I know what you mean."

We had a few silent moments before I said, "Throwing those bloody clothes away was a mistake, without them my mother's never going to believe the truth."

"Go in wearing the jeans and t-shirt. Tell her we swapped clothes for a bit of fun and I wouldn't give them back. Everyone does it."

"Do they, Susie?"

"Yes, Jeffrey: I'm just a little more enthusiastic about it than most - and so are you."

By the time we reached home, I'd decided to follow her advice. It sounded reasonable - but it was Susie's idea.

"What a relief," she groaned, "my thighs ache and my bottom's on fire. How do you manage with that saddle of yours, Jeffrey? You must have springs in your arse."

"Language, Susie."

"Sorry, Jeffrey, but I'm in extremis. I've never done twenty miles on a bike before. What I need is a long hot bath."

"Here take the jacket and blouse. Can you give the bike a home as well? I've run out of room in my shed."

"Okay, Jeffrey, here's a kiss for luck - see you later."

My mother was at the front gate looking up and down the road. All I'm wearing is a pair of girl's jeans, I thought, that's nothing to bother about. She will probably be so relieved to see me, she won't even notice.

"I'm home mum," I called and ran towards her open arms.

I'd let mum fuss over me and been duly apologetic. It was cruel of her to let me think I was getting away with it.

"Where did you get those jeans, Jeffrey?" she asked, as I edged over to the living room door, seeking the safety of my bedroom.

"They're Susie's, she thought it would be fun to swap. It seemed a bit strange, but she was insistent. I was too much of a gentleman to refuse."

"Why have you come home in them?"

"She wouldn't give me my pants back - she's a high-spirited girl."

My mother gave me a knowing smile. "What have you got on underneath, Jeffrey? Are you wearing her panties?"

"She's a perfectionist. I think she may be a little quirky'"

Mum put her hands on my shoulders. "Don't blame Susie. Do you remember telling me not to buy you any more boxer shorts? You said you wanted something with more support for when you were on your bike. Something more like I wore, you said - I took the hint, Jeffrey."

"That's right, you got me some cycling briefs - just like these ..." No wonder they seemed familiar. "Aargh, I've been wearing girl's knickers on my bike. Aw, mum, what if I'd had an accident?"

My mother pulled my head into her breast. "Don't pretend you didn't know, Jeffrey. It's all right, I'm not angry. I was so relieved to find out what had been troubling you these last few months. There had to be some explanation for your strange behaviour. You're a classic case, Jeffrey - I've been doing some research."

"You haven't been googling, have you?"

"No, I've got it straight from the horse's mouth - I've been recording daytime talk shows."

Mum's not even an ologist; God knows what rubbish she's picked up. "There's been a misunderstanding. I've a girlfriend now, just like you wanted and I'm more than happy with her."

"I'm sure you are, Jeffrey. You've known her for less than twenty-four hours and already you're wearing her clothes. You've found a little treasure there - not all girls would be so sympathetic."

"Sympathetic? Susie's enthusiastic," I spluttered.

Mum gave me a beatific smile. "Then you're doubly blessed, Jeffrey. You'll be so much happier now it's out in the open. I'm so grateful to Susie for getting you to share your secret with me. She's a wonderful girl - be guided by her, Jeffrey."

This is surreal, but after this morning's events, nothing surprises me. I'm going to make bloody sure I get something out of this. "Can I talk to you about something rather personal, mum? It's my biggest worry at the moment."

My mother wrapped me in her arms. "Come here, my little darling."

I'd forgotten how nice hugging your mother is. It spurred me on. "I don't think now would be a good time for me to have a stepfather."

"What are you talking about, Jeffrey?"

"You know, you said I needed a male role model. I thought you had that guy at work in mind - he seems pretty keen on you." I thought I might as well go for broke. "I don't like him."

"I don't like him either, Jeffrey. I was so frustrated with you I would have said anything. Don't worry baby, you're the only man in my life."

She can baby and darling me as much as she likes - at last, something's gone my way. As for the other thing - the least said the better.

"Would you like to help me with dinner, Jeffrey? I'm sure you'll want to help around the house a lot more in the future."

What's the use - I probably deserve all that's coming to me.

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty, your Prince has come."

I was roused with a kiss; it was very pleasant. "These afternoon naps leave one feeling so sleepy, Susie - can you help?"

Susie obliged with another kiss and sat on the edge of the bed. "I've had a long talk with your mother, Jeffrey, it seems you may have been less than frank with me."

"All I can say, Susie is no one's more surprised than I am. I've been such a secret cross-dresser that I didn't even know it myself."

"Come on ,Jeffrey, all boys have an underwear catalogue stashed away somewhere."

"You of all people should know I'm not your average boy."

Susie's grin alarmed me. "You didn't mention, Denise, did you?"

"Don't worry, I stuck to our story - I didn't get you in any deeper." She paused and put her hand on my knee. "Are you very upset?"

"The truth is my greatest worry has been kicked into the long grass - I'm definitely not getting a stepfather. Nothing could be as bad as that."

"So your mother's to have a new daughter instead of a new husband," Susie smiled.

"No - I have my doubts about exactly what my mum believes. Mothers always have a few tricks up their sleeve; maybe she thinks it's payback time."

"She couldn't fool me, Jeffrey, I know when people are lying - it's a gift I have."

"Perhaps what she told you and what she told me are two different things."

"I'd never deceive you, Jeffrey."

"It doesn't matter what the truth is, I've decided on my strategy. I'm going to help around the house, be more considerate and if mum wants to talk about things I'm not really interested in, well I'll do my best."

"You're going to behave like a daughter."

"No, I'm not. It's just that I won't be acting like a boorish teenage boy - there's a difference."

"If it walks like a duck ..."

"That's the second part of my strategy: I shan't be quacking or dressing like a duck. I'm showing no interest in girl's clothes at all, and if she brings up the subject, I'm going to be deliberately obtuse."

"Obtuse, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, obtuse: I shall also be naive and confused. I'm sorry, Susie, but I have to avoid all things girly in future. Eventually, I hope my mother will come to believe that this was just a passing fancy."

"Does this mean you don't want to see me anymore, Jeffrey?"

"Of course not, Susie, but perhaps you won't want to see me."

"I shouldn't tell you this, Jeffrey, but you've captured my heart."

"Sometimes, Susie," I smiled, "I think you really do know something about psychology."

"I have another confession to make: I've given the bike to my little brother."

"That's okay; I'll settle for fifty pounds as it's family."

"He insisted I give it him, Jeffrey - I have to keep him sweet."

"I think you should explain, Susie."

"I didn't force him, Jeffrey. He was more than willing - I just helped him along."

"Are we talking about your little quirk?"

"It's not a quirk. All sisters dress up their little brothers. I took the whole blame when dad found out. He's a bit old fashioned in that respect; I got a right rollicking."

"That was noble of you, Susie, but I don't understand, shouldn't he be grateful to you?"

"That was then: now he's a stroppy teenager. He's threatened to tell dad I've been getting up to my old tricks again."

"Why would he take his word for it rather than yours?"

"Believe it or not, Jeffrey, I've told a few whoppers in my time. And I'm still under a cloud from the car incident."

"The car incident?"

"I scratched the car. That's why I'm short of the readies; I'm still paying it off."

"That was careless, Susie; what did you scratch it with."

"The gatepost, Jeffrey. I wanted to have a flying start next year when I learn to drive."

"So my fifty pounds is contributing to your dad's car repairs."

"And a new gatepost. I didn't hit the old one that hard - it was already wonky."

"Oh, Susie, is every day with you going to be like this?"

She put her arm around me. "I can't promise, Jeffrey, but I'll do my best."

I laughed. "I'm hoping after a good night's sleep and a morning of double, double maths it will seem like today happened to someone else."

She looked into my eyes. "I'm sorry, Jeffrey, I can't help myself, I'll always want that someone else. Do you mind?"

"You're a funny girl, Susie."

"So are you, Jeffrey."

 

"Who's Robbie?"

"Captain of the first fifteen - the most civilised of the muddied oafs. He's a serious athlete - trains on Mars bars and bananas. You must have seen him, Susie."

"Oh that big gorilla," she laughed and poked me in the ribs. "Hey, Jeffrey, you know what they say: if you look like a monkey don't walk around carrying a banana."

Susie and Jeffrey 5 - 6 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 5

"Isn't this romantic, Jeffrey?" Susie sighed and slipped her hand into mine. "I'm so happy having a boy walk me to school."

"I think you may be developing a serious sense of irony, Susie."

"No I really like it; change and change about appeals to me, Jeffrey."

"I wish you'd been content with a boy yesterday; thanks to our gender bending shenanigans, I had to make the breakfast this morning. Come over tonight and we can do some female bonding over the ironing board."

"A little domestication will do you no harm, Jeffrey; you were being spoiled for marriage. I've saved you from eternal bachelorhood."

"Between you and my mother, I'm going to make someone a wonderful wife."

Susie linked arms. "You'll make me a perfect mate."

"We're only sixteen, Susie."

"I know, Jeffrey, but there's no harm in showing some maturity and planning ahead. You should take a lesson from me; if you carry on like yesterday, you may become something of a flippertygibbet."

"Susie, you've rendered me speechless."

She smiled and linked me even tighter. "Jeffrey."

"Yes, Susie."

"You haven't said you like my school uniform." She twirled around. "I've made a special effort for you."

"I'm sorry, Susie, this is all new to me; I don't want to say anything sexist," I added cautiously.

"It's all right, you can tell me if you prefer a short skirt to trousers," she cajoled.

"I know where this is going, Susie, and I'm not falling for it. We're not changing clothes. I've given my mother enough ammunition already; I'm one step away from ballet lessons."

"You've got it all wrong, Jeffrey; I don't want to swap - I want us to be a pair of schoolgirls, naughty schoolgirls," she teased. At least I hope she's teasing - though I wouldn't want to bet my trousers on it.

"Oh please, Susie, we're on our way to school, don't put those kind of thoughts into my head." I paused and decided to risk it. "I have to ask - wouldn't it just be easier to have, you know, a girlfriend?"

"Oh, I've thought about that," she responded brightly. "What do I want, a boy, a girl, a boyish girl or a girlish boy? I was really puzzled, then you came along, Jeffrey - a boyish girlish boy, and solved my problem."

"I'm glad you've cleared that up for me, Susie - I was confused before."

"It's not complicated, Jeffrey; we were made for each other."

"Other people may have their own ideas about that; I suppose you know you're a much sought after girl."

"Yes, Jeffrey, it's funny isn't it? There they are trying to make an impression on me, while you sit there, hiding yourself away, oblivious to my charms."

"To be honest," I confessed, "you didn't go unnoticed."

She kissed me on the cheek. "I know, Jeffrey."

"That was nice, Susie, but maybe we should be more discreet in school; some of the more primitive types may think a punch on my nose is the way to your heart."

"You mean you want to hide our love away, Jeffrey."

"Not exactly, but a lot of red-blooded males will be disappointed - perhaps it would be better if they thought we were just friends."

"You needn't worry, Jeffrey," she grinned, "I'll put it about that we're a pair of lesbians."

"Oh, please say you're joking, Susie."

"Yes I'm joking, Jeffrey." She gave my bottom a pat. "We'll just be lesbians in private, okay."

"I don't know about that. I can't deny it has its attractions, but do I want to give up all hope of a career in rugby league."

"You'll have to do that anyway," Susie laughed, "my dad's strictly union."

"So is the school, but all that's behind me now thank God; this year it's cross-country and badminton. They don't want us no-hopers getting in their way at practice matches. It won't do them any good, they're all pretty much useless except Robbie."

"Who's Robbie?"

"Captain of the first fifteen - the most civilised of the muddied oafs. He's a serious athlete - trains on Mars bars and bananas. You must have seen him, Susie."

"Oh that big gorilla," she laughed and poked me in the ribs. "Hey, Jeffrey, you know what they say: if you look like a monkey don't walk around carrying a banana."

"I don't think I'll be telling him that; he hasn't got a great sense of humour."

"Know him well, do you, Jeffrey?"

"He sat behind me after he dropped down into our class to retake his exams. He seemed to like me; I don't know why - we have nothing in common. It meant I had to listen to a lot of sporting nonsense, but it doesn't do any harm to have the school's best athlete on your side."

"Has he got a girlfriend?"

"Oh, we never talked about things like that; he's got a car this year, though. Am I going to have a rival, Susie?"

"No, Jeffrey, you're not going to have a rival."

"That's a relief. I wouldn't want to be dumped for a gorilla - it was bad enough being ditched for a horse."

"Wait a minute," Susie accused, "I thought I was your first girlfriend."

"Carol wasn't my girlfriend, she's my cousin; she's a bit of a tomboy."

"Oh, I see."

"No you don't. She was just more adventurous than me, nothing else."

"Nothing else?"

"Well, she may have teased me that I was prettier than her, but that's all - she didn't want me for her doll. As soon as she got her horse, she lost interest in me. She was so possessive; she didn't want to share it with anyone."

"Did you want a ride on it, Jeffrey?"

"No way, Susie, it was a big horse; it scared me just walking around it. But it would have been nice if she'd made the offer - I was quite hurt by her attitude."

"Do you see much of Carol nowadays?"

"No, horsy girls definitely don't appeal to me."

"You don't want to see me in jodhpurs and riding boots then?"

"No, you're redoubtable enough in skirts. Besides, when you spend time mucking out horses, the pong," I held my nose, "is a bit off-putting. The smell follows you around - it kind of lingers."

"Kind of lingers, Jeffrey?" Susie grinned and looked down.

"Yes, kind of lingers - what's so funny, Susie, are my flies undone?"

"No, Jeffrey, I've just got the giggles."

I discreetly checked below as we approached the gates. "What is it then?"

"I'm just amused that we're right on the bell, Jeffrey."

"I always am, Susie. The less time I spend in school the better."

"I thought you were a keen student, Jeffrey."

"I like the learning, but I've always felt anxious around the place. After my first week here, I refused to go and spent the whole year at home."

"Golly, Jeffrey, how did you manage that?"

"Indulgent parents and bureaucracy. It took that amount of time to work my way up the psychiatric ladder and reach the top man. He just said you're going to go back next year, aren't you? I said 'yes', and that was the end of the whole affair. I still have no idea why it all happened."

"I guess I'd better handle you with care, eh, Jeffrey."

"It would be appreciated, Susie."

I was wandering back across the school field, contemplating the prospect of Susie packing in school dinners and joining me at lunchtime, when I saw Robbie approaching. After a morning's maths, letting him bore me with his weekend sporting achievements would set the seal on a return to normality.

He greeted me with a big smile. "Do you want the Mars bar or the banana Jeffrey?"

"It's all right Robbie, you need them more than I do. You've got to keep your strength up, you know."

"Go on, have the banana; they're good for you - they're full of that possum stuff."

Maybe this business with Susie is making me paranoid, but I'm sure Robbie has a funny look in his eye. I'm having nothing to do with his banana. "I don't think I can manage one that big, best keep it for yourself."

"Here," he thrust it into my hand, "they've a nice open texture; they go down like ice cream."

I reluctantly peeled the banana and brought it up to my mouth. Robbie was staring at me intently. The banana hovered in no man's land. "You've a pair of terrifically kissable lips, Jeffrey."

I was right - him and his bloody banana - he's worse than Max. Bloody boys - they're all bloody awful.

"That Susie Jones is a lucky girl. I was gutted when I saw her with you this morning, but I guess I should have moved in sooner. I don't blame you, Jeffrey; she's a very attractive girl, but I won't give up without a fight."

A wave of relief flooded over me and I silently apologised to Robbie. I knew how to handle this. "Oh, she's our new neighbour, my mother knows her mother," I lied, "I have to walk her to school. It's a bit awkward for both of us."

"So you're not ..."

"God no, the thought never entered my head - I wouldn't know where to begin." I didn't want the big ox bothering Susie, so I ploughed on. "You'll be wasting your time there; she's like me, not interested in the opposite sex."

Robbie put his arm around my shoulder and the hairs on the back of my neck rose. "I've never bothered with girls either, Jeffrey, did you ever wonder why?"

I wish Susie were here, I panicked, I'm out of my depth. "I expect it's because you haven't time," I waved the banana around hoping with a lucky break it would fall to the ground. "What with all your sports stuff and everything."

Robbie looked skyward, and I took a first bite of the banana.

"Don't you think we make an odd couple, Jeffrey?"

"I guess opposites attract," I laughed nervously.

"But we're not opposites are we, Jeffrey?"

I took a huge bite of the banana. "Uuurrgh." The less I said the better.

"How about I give you a ride home tonight, and then we can have a real talk about ... about our relationship."

"Uuurrgh." I crammed in the rest of the banana and hoped it would last out until the bell.

"Come on, Jeffrey, this is difficult for me - say something," he pleaded.

I decided to have a choking fit and spluttering pointed at my throat. "Aaaarrrgghh."

"Don't panic, Jeffrey, I'll soon have your airways clear."

Robbie grasped me from behind and began his version of the Heimlich manoeuvre.

"Oooohhh!"

"Work with me Jeffrey," he urged.

I resisted and as he redoubled his efforts, I sensed that Robbie's thoughts were straying from the purely life-saving. "Nooohh!"

"Ugh," Robbie groaned and pressed into my backside. My baggy trousers strategy wasn't proving a huge success. Well, that's Susie's bottom, and no one else is having any part of it.

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" I expelled a mouthful of banana and went limp - God, I hope he's not a necrophiliac.

Robbie dropped me in shock, and cried out, "Hang on in there, Jeffrey, the kiss of life is on its way."

Brrrrrnnnnnng! Brrrrrnnnnnng! I was saved by the bell.

Here, Godzilla, get a load of this starting technique. I catapulted to my feet. "Can't stop, I've left a Bunsen burner on," I yelled and shot off in the direction of the chemistry lab. "Thanks for the banana."

"I'll see you later, Jeffrey," a despairing voice from behind me cried out.

Not if I can help it. From now on, Susie and I are going to be inseparable.

I rushed Susie away from the school gates. "What's going on, Jeffrey?"

"I'll explain everything, but first let's get away from here."

We were off the main road, well away from Robbie's route home, before I slackened the pace.

"We've got the street to ourselves now, Jeffrey, come on spill the beans."

"First give me a kiss - a proper kiss."

"A proper kiss when you're improperly dressed," Susie smiled, "that would be a backward step in your therapy, Jeffrey."

"Don't tease, I need reassurance - you can have two steps forward later," I rashly promised.

Susie responded enthusiastically. She can't fool me; she loves kissing me however I'm dressed. "Thanks," I panted, "that's done me a power of good; you're definitely the one for me." I tried to adopt a serious air. "Now restrain your mirth while I tell you this ..."

"... What do you make of that?"

Susie deliberated, "I think you may be exaggerating the size of his banana, Jeffrey."

"Please be serious, Susie, I'm relying on you to be my shield and ornament. You have to make it quite clear that I'm yours. Send out the message - 'Hands off Jeffrey, he's mine' - let there be no room for misunderstanding."

"Let's see, in barely twenty-four hours, you've had misunderstandings with a dog, Robbie, your mother and me - not to mention a total deception of Max. Are you sure you're completely innocent in all this, Jeffrey?"

"Totally, no question; I've only ever talked to him in class. Why he's picked on me I've absolutely no idea."

"You haven't been giving him furtive looks in the showers, have you, Jeffrey? You know, just out of curiosity."

"I haven't been in the showers since the verruca scare in the second year. What a blessing in disguise that was. And," I emphasized, "I'm not interested in the rugger buggers' tea and sugar. It'd suit me if everything were fully retractable when not in use - evolution took a wrong turning there if you ask me. That's one reptilian characteristic we should have kept."

"Ugh, I don't fancy that, Jeffrey."

"Someday, Susie, you may come to appreciate the advantages of laying an egg."

"If you'd keep your mind on the job in hand," she snorted, " you'd see there's an easy way out; I'm surprised you haven't thought of it."

"Go on, Susie."

"Robbie's interested in boys, you in particular, so just tell him you want to be a girl. Tell him you spend your time away from school as Denise. I'll back you up, he can even ask your mother. Believe me, once he sees you in lipstick and high heels he'll drop you like a hot potato. You'll be too much of a woman for him."

Susie wasn't laughing - she was serious, but now wasn't the time to upset her. "No doubt you're right," I conceded, "but let's not rush into things. I'd rather hold the nuclear option in reserve. Let's first try a more conventional approach. "

"I don't know, Jeffrey, we're up against rampant teenage hormones."

"Just stick close to me, keep straightening my tie, brushing imaginary hairs off my jacket and anything else you can think of - he'll soon get the message. There are fifteen of them in that rugger team; the odds must be in my favour that he'll find someone who shares his interest."

"Rugby's a highly homoerotic sport Jeffrey, that's why none of this surprises me. I knew the way the wind was blowing."

"Well, I wish you' d told me, Susie. I'm lucky he didn't lure me into his car and trap me in the seat belt with a banana in my hand. That would have been a pretty pickle."

"You wouldn't have believed me, Jeffrey; you would just have pooh-poohed it as another of my fantasies."

"Maybe, but now I come to think of it, a lot of peculiar horseplay goes on in those changing rooms. I think I've been very prudent in keeping to my own little corner."

Susie nodded thoughtfully. "I don't mind giving your way a go; I can see how my idea may be a bra too far for you at this stage."

I heaved a sigh of relief, but I should have known Susie better.

"It'll do no harm to be prepared - I'll have to conduct a nuclear test on you, Jeffrey. You don't want to be caught with your pants down, do you? Well not by Robbie - I'm another matter entirely."

"I can't argue with you there, Susie," I groaned.

"Chin up, Jeffrey and pin your ears back. Here's something to make you laugh," she enthused and pulled on my arm. "You know Russell Slope."

"Only too well - I shouldn't speak ill of the living dead, but he hasn't a single redeeming defect. He's a total swine. He bullied me from the first day at primary school."

"Is he still bullying you, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie, he hasn't bothered me for years - not since I busted his nose. There was blood everywhere and we both burst into tears. It was a lucky punch, because I had my eyes closed at the time."

"I've heard that excuse before, Jeffrey, and it won't wash; you know exactly what you're doing - at all times."

"I honestly don't," I pouted, "I'm an innocent abroad."

Susie dismissed that with a wave of her hand. "Whatever, but you'll be pleased to hear that he's in for a further beating - this time at my hands."

"How come, Susie?"

"He was sounding off about the superiority of the male sex, himself in particular. He thinks that he's some sort of alpha male - I ask you, Jeffrey."

"Don't ask me: I thought Robbie was an alpha male - I've been sadly disillusioned."

"Anyway, I'm no humourless feminist, as you well know, but when he said that I was a ditz with nice tits, he stepped over the line. You'd never say anything like that, would you, Jeffrey?"

"No, I don't like that word," I hesitated. "I've been tempted to say you've got nice breasts - actually you've got a nice everything, but I wasn't sure about the etiquette in these matters."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, you've been the perfect gentleman."

"It's good of you to say so, Susie; I'm doing my best."

"I speak as I find, Jeffrey, as that pig found out. I wound him up so much he gave me the perfect opportunity to humble him."

"That doesn't sound like Slope, he's a crafty so-and-so."

"He's met his match in me; I'm going to beat him at his own male chauvinist game." She paused for effect. "Chess, Jeffrey, chess."

"Chess, Susie!" I ejaculated, "you're full of surprises; I had no idea that was one of your talents. Have you played much?"

"Hardly at all, it's so boring, but I know the rules, and that will be enough. You won't believe the odds the arrogant mug's giving me," she gloated. "You know what they say, Jeffrey," she added with a grin, "never give a sucker an even break."

"But did you know that he's the captain of the school chess team, Susie?"

"No, but it won't make any difference - he has to make all his moves in five minutes and I've an hour. What's more, I'm white and I only have to draw. It'll be easy - all I have to do is to shuffle my pieces about until he runs out of time."

"Someone's been extremely naive." Susie misinterpreted my raised eyebrows.

"Brilliant, eh, and here's the best bit - whoever loses has to dress as a bunny girl for the Halloween Dance. What a humiliation - you wouldn't like that, would you, Jeffrey?"

"I don't know, Susie, I may find some vicarious pleasure in it."

"Oh, Jeffrey, you mean ..."

"Exactly what I said, Susie, let's discuss it over a few training games in my bedroom. It won't do any harm to polish up your technique."

"I can hardly wait."

"Checkmate - that's ten to nil."

"Give me a chance, Jeffrey, you're moving too fast - you're not giving my strategy time to work."

"This is what you'll be up against, Susie."

"That beast Slope can't be as good as you, Jeffrey."

"Of course he's not as good as me, but he's way too good for you."

"This is awful, Jeffrey, I'm going to be made a laughingstock. If you'd stuck by my side," she accused, "this would never have happened."

"That's hardly fair, Susie, you've only yourself to blame."

"Chess, what a stupid game! I should have gone for something physical - something requiring endurance and superior female fortitude. Something like ..."

"Ferrets down the trousers," I suggested helpfully.

"No, Jeffrey," a gleam came into Susie's eye, "wrestling!"

Susie sprang forward and knocked me back on the bed. I put up a token resistance, but I was more than pleased to have her straddling my chest. "What next, Susie?"

"I'm not letting you up, until you find a way to get me out of this."

"That's all right by me, Susie, make yourself comfortable."

She adjusted her position. "What are you grinning at, Jeffrey?"

"I can't help myself, Susie; I'm sorry, I know it's childish, but I saw up your skirt."

"Boys! What can you do with them? Well, I know what I'm going to do with this one. That's three steps forward you owe me now, Jeffrey."

I closed my eyes and smiled. "I'm beyond caring."

"Come on, Jeffrey concentrate," she pleaded, "you don't want to see me shown up."

"If it was anybody else but that snot Slope ..."

"I knew you wouldn't let me down," Susie cried out, and bounced up and down in delight.

"Hold on, don't go distracting me; we need to put in some serious work if you're to beat him."

Susie was deflated. "I can't get that good by Wednesday afternoon; I thought you'd found some way to play in my place, Jeffrey."

"He'd never agree to that. I've shown no interest at all in chess, because I don't want to be press ganged into the school team, but he'd be highly suspicious. He knows it'd be a double maths brain versus a geography brain - need I say more."

"You and your mathematical brain, you're a conceited little bugger."

"I know, but it's a private conceit - apart from you and my mother. I hope you don't mind too much; it gives me such a strong sense of what I am."

"I don't mind, Jeffrey, I wouldn't have you any different." Susie eased herself off and sat on the edge of the bed. "Who exactly is Sloppy going to be playing?"

"He'll think he's playing you, but in fact he'll be playing me."

"Whoa, Jeffrey, I only have ordinary makeup, the best I can do is turn you into my sister. We'll have to think of a good excuse for me not turning up."

"You'll be there at the board. Insist you sit with your back up against the wall, so nobody can get behind you. I'll stand right behind Slope and your girlfriends will surround me."

"This doesn't sound as much fun as my idea," Susie moaned.

"It's not, you have to concentrate and do exactly as I say."

"I seem to be doing a lot of following orders, Jeffrey."

"It's your own fault, Susie, you shouldn't be so impulsive. Now pay attention."

I lifted my eyebrows. - "Bishop," Susie responded.

I wrinkled my nose. - "Knight."

I shook my head. - "King."

I nodded my head. - "Rook."

I kissed the air. - "Queen - I like that one, Jeffrey."

"You understand the finger code - first time letter, second time number. Right, let's have a practice against the computer."

"That's enough for tonight, Susie, we'll train again tomorrow."

"It's actually going to work, Jeffrey, I can't believe it. You deserve a reward."

"A diligent scholar, and the master's paid. You've been a model pupil, Susie."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, I hope you learn from my example; I don't want to hear any complaints when I teach you the intricacies of makeup."

I laughed until Susie silenced me with a kiss.

 

Chapter 6

"I had to tell the girls the plan, Jeffrey."

"I understand that, Susie, but you shouldn't have encouraged them to involve any other boys in the bet."

"I didn't, but when I told the them you'd be making my moves, they wanted in on it. Your reputation goes before you, Jeffrey; they know who's the uber-nerd around here."

"I'm not a nerd, Susie," I complained.

"I know that, Jeffrey, but admit it, you behave like one in school."

"If it wasn't Smith the nerd, it'd be something worse," I explained. "Supreme nerdiness carries with it a degree of protection; that's why I don't like this, Susie, it's going to make me enemies. Nobody would be upset at Slope getting his comeuppance, but when the other boys find out that I'm responsible for their downfall ..."

"They're not going to find out."

"Of course they will; a dozen people can't keep a secret."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, you'll be an honorary member of the sisterhood - we'll look out for you. Come on, there's Linda and Harriet waving us over."

Those two are formidable girls. I know Susie can be unnerving, but she's different - I'd definitely rather be Susie's girlfriend than their boyfriend.

"We like your plan, Jeffrey," Linda greeted me, "but I want to be sure where your true loyalties lie. You could deliver us into the hands of our enemies."

"You've no need to worry," Susie bristled, "Jeffrey would never let me down."

"That's right," I added hotly, "you help us and it's all for one and one for all as far as I'm concerned."

"Don't get upset, Jeffrey," Harriet grinned. "You and Susie, well, it's just so sudden." She waved her hands in the air. "You surprised us, that's all."

"I surprised myself," I smiled.

"You're friends with Robbie, aren't you?" Harriet continued. "Would you do a girl a big favour? See if you can get him to ask me for a date - but be subtle."

"I don't think subtlety is Robbie's strong point; third party matchmaking may confuse him."

"What do you mean confuse him?"

"He means," Linda scoffed, "Robbie will think Jeffrey's asking him for a date. I told you, you're wasting your time mooning over him - he's batting for the other side."

"Take no notice, Harriet - Robbie's as straight as a tiddlywink," Susie assured her. "Jeffrey will be happy to steer Captain Marvel your way; it's just that he's inexperienced in romantic matters. I'll see that he brushes up on his Jane Austen, and then there'll be no holding him back."

Harriet smiled and Linda sniggered. I don't think being one of the girls is going to be a bed of roses. "Come on, Susie, we need to get home and perfect our technique; we don't want any slip-ups tomorrow."

It was Wednesday afternoon, and we were on our way to the showdown. "If Slope plays as I expect, we'll be giving him a piece on the fifth move. There may be a few gasps of dismay, but don't let it put you off, Susie - I know what I'm doing."

"I sure hope so, Jeffrey; that sounds like a high risk strategy."

"The mistakes are all there waiting to be made. And believe me, Slopey will make them - he's not a calculating machine."

We assembled in the library, and Susie bagged a seat under the window. "I'm sitting here; I don't want the sun in my eyes. I know all the classic strategies."

Slope laughed and sat down opposite. I stood behind him and the rest of the girls gathered round. There were a few protests, but individual boys are no match for a bunch of determined girls.

1 e4 e5 2 Nf3 Nc6 3 Nc3 Nf6 4 Nxe5 Nxe5 ...

Slope whipped off the knight with a snort and Susie stuck out her tongue at him in a breach of chess etiquette. Our sessions in my bedroom were paying off and we raced through the next few moves. Things went so smoothly that I began to wonder if Susie really could read my mind.

5 d4 Ng6 6 e5 Ng8 7 Bc4 d6 8 Qf3 Qd7 9 O-O dxe5 10 dxe5 Nxe5 11 Re1 Bd6 12 Bf4 f6 13 Rad1 ...

Slope had a think and played 13 ... Kd8. I had a think and suppressed a smile - I didn't want to confuse Susie. He was busted: this was going to end in mate. I raised my eyebrows and gave five fingers, five fingers.

14 Bxe5 fxe5 15 Bb5 ...

Slope put his head in his hands and had another think. I looked up and saw Robbie staring in through the library window. He gave me a wave.

15 ... c6 16 Ne4 ...

I had to wrinkle my nose in reply and a bout of mutual nose wrinkling followed.

16 ... Kc7 17 Nxd6 Qg4 18 Ne8+ Kb8 ...

I began to worry that we were communicating in some secret gay language. Worse was to come, I had to move my queen. I kissed the air and twice put up three fingers, which I hoped didn't carry any extra meaning.

19 Qc3 Qe6 ...

Robbie kissed back and I had to nod my head and give him two lots of five fingers.

20 Rxe5 Qg4 ...

He nodded back vigorously. We must be at least engaged by now. To make things worse someone behind me was getting excited and waving her arms about. At least Susie was calm. Quite honestly, I don't think she has any idea we're about to pull off a brilliant win.

21 Be2 Qf4 22 Re4 Qxe4 ...

Another kiss for Robbie who's hands have disappeared from sight.

23 Qg3+ Qf4 ...

And another, followed by an extravagant blown kiss to signal mate. I'm so excited to have well and truly crushed Slope that Robbie may think I'm having an orgasm.

24 Qxf4#.

"Checkmate," Susie cried, jumping up and punching the air.

There were cheers from the girls and a menacing, "Wait until I get my hands on that prat, Slope," from one of his disgruntled supporters.

I scrambled over, pulled Susie into my arms and hissed into her ear. "Stick to me like glue - you're not the only one who's been getting my messages. Robbie's so worked up that's he's fit to burst."

Slope pushed me aside and grabbed Susie. "You must have been wired up to play like that - let's see what's under here."

I didn't close my eyes this time. Splat! I hit him full in the nose with the same result. I grabbed Susie and headed for the rest of the girls.

Susie pulled me back. "The cheeky bugger's torn my blouse, let me at him, Jeffrey."

Slope waved his troops forward. "He's busded my dose, gedde liddle shid."

General mayhem ensued. A little help from Robbie wouldn't have come amiss, but he was pinned in a corner by Harriet. It seems more than one person had received misdirected messages. Serves him right - let's see how he likes having an unwanted lover.

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, they'll only get you over my dead body." Susie was being overdramatic, but I still felt a surge of pride. That's my girl!

Luckily for us, the rugger buggers were out to get Slope. I just hope that they keep on blaming him for their misfortune. He was only saved from a scragging by a slam of the door.

"What's going on in here?" It was the deputy head old Bossom.

"Chess hooligans, sir," Susie panted, "they're rioting in defeat."

She took advantage of Slope's toadying to teachers to knee him in the groin. Honour satisfied she stepped back to my side and we hugged. She's quite a girl.

"What happened to your nose Slope?"

"That must have been me sir," Susie volunteered, "he practically ripped my blouse off; I hit out blindly in panic."

"It was an accident," Slope protested, "I just wanted to pull her earpiece out - she was being fed the moves."

Susie tossed back her hair." See, no earpiece, you were outchessed by a superior female brain, and that's all there is to it. You met your match, Bunny Slope."

"I didn't," Slope fumed. "You blundered a piece away and from then on you played like a computer - it's not natural."

"I'd like to see this game," Bossom interrupted, "set the board up."

I hurried to get control of the pieces and replay the game; it'd look funny if Susie couldn't remember her moves.

"There you are, she blunders a knight away like the patzer she is," Slope spluttered.

"It's not a blunder," I exulted, "it's the Halloween gambit, specially chosen for this game - you don't know as much about chess as you think."

Slope gulped and I dashed off the rest of the game. "There you are, sir, everything was above board."

"Yes, Smith, a very nice game; Miss Jones has talent - we must have her on the team."

Susie looked at me in panic. "Oh she can't do that," I improvised, "her parents don't approve of her playing chess. They want her to concentrate on her studies; they're very firm about it."

"Yes, sir," Susie piped up, "we're Seventh Day Adventists. Mind games like chess are strictly taboo. It'd be bread and water for me if they found out about this."

"That's news to me," Bossom frowned, "I've made quite a study of comparative religions - you have to, if you want to get on nowadays," he sighed.

I saw a gleam come into Susie's eye. "We're part of an extremist breakaway sect - it's no fun at all for me."

"I've noticed that you and Smith have become, shall we say, close this week. What do your parents say to that?"

"Oh Jeffrey's converted - we've ..." Susie searched for inspiration, "pledged our troths."

"This doesn't sound like you, Smith. You haven't been brainwashed, have you?"

"I wouldn't know if I had been, would I?"

Bossom sighed and looked around. "Let's all behave like adults, okay. I think it's best we draw a veil over the whole episode. Clear up and get off home; that's where I want to be." He shrugged his shoulders and made for the door.

"Bossom's not a bad old stick is he, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie - I just hope his sense of humour is fully functional, otherwise your parents will be getting a visit from social services."

"With a name like that, it must be," she giggled. "He's neither one thing or the other, is he?"

"Get a grip on yourself, Susie, and let's make a dignified exit."

"Give me your arm, Jeffrey."
Robbie and Harriet had disappeared. Slope was on his back holding his nose. We departed with the girls' congratulations ringing in our ears.

On the walk home, I brought Susie up to date with the Robbie situation. "The way things are going we may have to use the ultimate deterrent, Susie. It'll be embarrassing, but if it gets rid of him for good - what the hell."

"Actually, Jeffrey I've already loosed off a tactical nuclear device, and it doesn't seem to have worked. I had a word with Robbie and mentioned your tendencies."

"What do you mean my tendencies? They're your tendencies. The fact that he doesn't appear to have believed you proves it."

"Oh he believed me, Jeffrey, I showed him the photographic evidence."

"There is no photographic evidence."

"I got it off your computer the first night."

"You couldn't have; there are no such pictures."

"I photoshopped you, Jeffrey."

"You what me."

"Photoshopped you. Everyone does it - I'm surprised you haven't had a go." She dug out a photo from her pack. "Here's one for you, Jeffrey; Denise in all her glory. Can you blame me for wanting her?"

"Oh sugar, Susie!" It was an upper body shot of me wearing make-up, bra and nothing else. "What have you done?"

"Good isn't it. I can get you some breast forms just like that if you want - you'll have to lend me the money, though."

"Never mind that. What did Robbie say when he saw this?"

"He didn't say anything, he didn't have to - actions speak louder than words. He snatched it off me and decamped to the bogs with it."

"You mean ... Oh, Susie, I'm a sex object."

"He's probably been wanking off to you all summer, Jeffrey, so that's no big deal."

"Yes, but at least I didn't know about it."

"In one way, Jeffrey it gives us hope. Perhaps he really likes girls, and you've led him astray."

"I've done no such thing!" I gagged.

"Not intentionally of course," Susie soothed. "Perhaps he was on the cusp and now Harriet's got her claws into him, he'll fall her way. Stranger things have happened."

"They are well suited - she's a hefty girl."

"Yes, Jeffrey, let's hope she doesn't find out that you're her love rival."

"Then she'd better not see this." I put the photo into my pocket.

"You're keeping it, are you?"

"Yes, I don't want it falling into the wrong hands."

"You could tear it up."

"I couldn't destroy your work of art, Susie; I'm not a Philistine."

"Ah, you like it, Jeffrey, admit it."

"It's a nice picture," I hedged. "I'm worried that someone else might get to see it. If you'd made me a big-breasted pin-up girl, it would have been easy to laugh off. But this - nobody's going to believe it's not me."

"The only copy out there is the one's Robbie's got, and he's hardly going to show it around."

"I don't know, Susie, a woman scorned and all that. You'll have to get it back off him."

"If he carries it around with him, you'll have the best chance. Hang around the changing rooms and try and sneak it away."

"You can forget that; I'm not lurking anywhere near that rugby lot - it could be misinterpreted. Thanks to you, Susie, I'm beginning to see myself as others see me."

"Wait till you see yourself as I see you, Jeffrey."

"I can't help but admire your persistence, Susie; it's an endearing trait."

"In that case, how about you come over to my house tonight? I'll initiate you into the secrets of a girl's bedroom."

"I'll see you after homework, but in my bedroom."

"What have you been reading, Jeffrey?"

"That book on survival; the chapter on how a girl can defend her honour. Best to be prepared in case Robbie has a rush of blood."

Susie picked up the book and began to read. "Grab your assailant by the testicles and twist hard. Is that what you're going to do, Jeffrey?"

"Not likely, I don't want there to be any danger of sending a mixed message; I hope raking a comb across his nostrils will suffice. I've a cheap one with really hard teeth," I grimaced. "It even hurts when you comb your hair."

"That should make his eyes water, Jeffrey."

"From now on I shall carry it with me at all times. Get yourself one, Susie - a girl can't be too careful."

Susie moved over to the dresser. "Do you mind if I brush your hair, Jeffrey?"

"Oh, you want to engage in a little social grooming do you?"

"Something like that."

Susie brushed away and a wave of pleasure swept over me. I'm definitely not getting my hair cut. I wonder how I'll look with it in bunches - pretty cute I should think.

"That's nice, Susie. So nice, that I don't want you fixing Slope's hair. In fact I'd rather you didn't have anything further to do with him. I bet he'd jump at the chance to get out of the bet for fifty pounds."

"I'd like to go along with you, Jeffrey, but the other girls want to get their hands on him. That suits me - I don't want to give Sloppy the pleasure of being dressed up by me. Some boys are funny that way; he's probably one of them. What do you think?"

"Nothing would surprise me anymore."

Susie paused in her brushing. "It'll be fun deciding on our outfits - I'll really have your hair in shape by then."

I turned around. "I didn't lose any bet, Susie. As far as Halloween's concerned, I've more than done my duty. I've earned a quiet night in."

"You can't be the odd one out, Jeffrey. Think of the resentment that would cause - especially when the other boys find out you were the cause of their downfall." Susie brushed vigorously. "They're only going to be satisfied if you're the belle of the ball."

"That's six weeks away, I'll probably have had a nervous breakdown by then." I looked around my book filled room. "I think I'll have my library fantasy tonight - it's incredibly calming - I'm cataloguing a vast collection of books."

"That's a strange notion for a teenage boy."

"Stranger than you think, Susie. You see I'm female in it."

"You're Denise."

"She didn't have a name before Sunday, but yes, you're right I am Denise. Oh, Susie," I finally broke down, "I wonder what it all means."

She clasped my hand. "It's all right, Jeffrey, I'm here - we'll work through this together. First, I have to know what you are wearing."

I buried my head in my hands. "I can't, Susie, it's too embarrassing."

"It's all right," she soothed, "you can confess anything to me. Think of me as a priest."

I gulped. "I'm a sexy librarian in a figure hugging sweater, tight skirt, sheer stockings and shiny stilettos."

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Jeffrey. Tell me," she coaxed, "how do you feel dressed like that?"

"I feel wonderful, Susie, quite wonderful, but it's a struggle getting up the ladders."

"Ladders - what ladders, Jeffrey?"

"Those ladders on wheels that they have in libraries. These are unbelievably high."

Susie raised her eyebrows. "Ah - like a stairway to Heaven."

"That's right," I sobbed, "and once up there I feel free. I can whiz around the shelves - it's almost like flying."

Susie softly stroked my hair. "You're an angel, Jeffrey, a whole new world is opening up for you."

"It's a cosmic experience, Susie," I exalted, "I've slipped the surly bonds of Earth."

"To thine own self be true," she gushed and hugged me to her, "I've swept away all your inhibitions and doubts, haven't I, Jeffrey?"

I looked up and smiled. "You certainly have, Susie - now I know for sure that there's one born every minute."

 

Susie rolled her eyes at me as we pulled her dad up. "Let's have a look at the damage."

Mr Jones grimaced as she waggled his finger. "What do you think, Jeffrey?"

"See if you can grind the ends of the bone together," I offered helpfully. "That's a sure-fire test - if your dad faints, it's broken."

Susie and Jeffrey 7 - 8 - 9 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 7

"I've made up my mind: you've seen the demise of Denise - so if this is a ploy to lure me into your bedroom."

"You know I haven't a devious bone in my body," Susie huffed. "There's nothing unusual about a father wanting to meet the new boyfriend. What's the matter, Jeffrey - why are you so suspicious?"

"You look far too pleased with yourself, Susie."

"That's because I'm with you, Jeffrey, and after you've won over dad," she smirked, "we're going shopping. I'm in funds again - the old man's finally relented. It's been a strain, but this week I've been the perfect daughter around the house - just like you, from all accounts."

"No one could describe my behaviour as anything other than new mannish," I protested. Susie gave me a sceptical look. "Well, I might have had one or two Cinderella moments," I allowed, "but you're always Prince Charming."

Susie laughed and slapped her thigh. "Have you been imagining me in high heels and tights?"

"Yes, but it's not sexist or anything - after all, I'm the one wearing the dress."

"I approve, Jeffrey; you have as many of those fantasies as you like."

"I don't think I should - they seem to be affecting my behaviour ..." I paused - I'd said more than enough already.

"Go on - Doctor Susie is in."

We had the street to ourselves, but I lowered my voice. "Mum caught me dancing in front of the mirror - I was holding my hair out in bunches - and singing 'I want to be Susie's girl'." I shook my head in disbelief. "I can't help myself; it's the effect you have on me."

"Wait a minute," Susie frowned, "you're not winding me up again are you, Jeffrey?"

"No," I smiled ruefully, "I wouldn't joke about how I feel about you."

Susie ruffled my hair. "Carry on, what did you tell your mum?"

"Oh, I gave her a superior look and said, 'Susie and I are a modern couple - we don't want our relationship constrained by outdated sexual stereotyping'."

Susie kissed me on the cheek. "I'm so proud of you Jeffrey that could have been me speaking. What happened next?"

"I'm afraid that I don't have your psychological gravitas," I sighed, "mum burst out laughing and I joined in. I'm happy she's happy we're going out together."

She gave me a hug. "You're so sweet, Jeffrey."

"I know," I grinned, "but I'm also bewitched, bothered and bewildered. Now that you're my girlfriend, I'm being engaged in lad-talk, and I'm at a loss - that sort of thing is beyond me. They must think I'm a right little prig."

"Don't be silly, you're just showing respect for me."

"It's more than that. I'm not comfortable with them - I used to think I might be a bit Aspergerish."

"And what do you think now?"

I shrugged. "Maybe I've been keeping the wrong company - all I know is that I feel at home with you."

We walked in silence up to her front gate. "Into the lion's den - mum's out, so you can expect no mercy." Susie took my hand. "Have courage Jeffrey, remember you're the man in my life now."

I hesitated. "Your dad's a second row forward, isn't he?"

"Yes he's a bear of a man, very physical. He might grab you in a headlock, but don't worry - it's just his way of showing affection."

"I've an uncle like that - he greets me by rubbing my cheek with his stubble and nuzzling my ear. If I try to avoid his advances, I end up pinned down on the sofa. It's a bit disconcerting - he doesn't seem to realise that I'm not a kid anymore."

"Kiss him back, Jeffrey," Susie laughed, "it sounds like he'd prefer Denise to Denephew."

"Sometimes," I groaned, "your advice borders on the reckless."

"You have to take a risk sometimes, Jeffrey," she grinned. "And speaking of which, don't let dad trap your thumb when you shake hands - it's one of his little tricks."

"Heck, Susie, if I avoid getting my head torn off and my hand crushed, is there anything else I should be wary of?"

"Be on your guard if the boxing gloves make an appearance - it can only mean one thing."

"Don't worry," I smiled, "if he wants a typing contest, I'll insist on bare knuckles."

Susie clapped me on the back. "That's my boy, Jeffrey."

"Reporting for parental inspection, sir."

Mr Jones took Susie at her word. I felt self-conscious under his gaze and began fiddling with my hair. "Hello," I gulped.

"Sorry, I shouldn't stare, but you've made quite an impression on my daughter. She can't wait to get over to your house every night," he smiled. "Susie hasn't been too impressed with young men up to now - what's your secret, Jeffrey?"

"Don't embarrass us, dad, we're just a perfectly matched couple."

"I can see that," he mused. "Give me your hand Jeffrey." I reached out and watched it disappear into his huge paw. "Let's see what you're made of," he grinned. "Sugar and spice and all things nice, eh, Susie." And tightening his grip he pumped away at my arm.

"Mind how you go dad, Jeffrey has the hands of a concert pianist - such a lovely soft touch."

Mr Jones smiled and tightened his grip. "Aaaaaaahhh!" I stumbled forward and instinctively grabbed at his arm.

My fingers dug in just above his elbow. "Oooooowww!" Mr Jones' arm spasmed, and he fell backwards into the armchair.

"Ooooooooohhh!" I landed on top of him and the chair tipped over. The bigger they come, I silently rejoiced.

"Oh, dad," Susie cried, "if you've hurt Jeffrey playing your silly macho games."

"I'm okay, no harm done," I assured her. "Worse things happen in rugger scrums, don't they Mr Jones?" I pushed off, and he let out another cry of pain. "Oops sorry, sir, I didn't realise where my foot had lodged."

I scampered over to Susie's side and whispered into her ear. "You don't mind if I hide behind your skirts, do you? Your dad may want to make it the best of three."

"Behind them now, in them later," she giggled. I couldn't help giggling with her - it was only nerves, but of course, Susie thought different. She patted my bottom. "The tightest one I've got, eh, Denise."

"How about you two love-birds helping me up?" Mr Jones groaned. "I think I've broken my little finger; it hurts like hell."

"Incapacitated by your pinkie," Susie snorted.

"Yes, and my arm's gone numb as well." He turned to me. "What did you do, Jeffrey? It felt like an electric shock."

"I'm sorry, sir - it was an accident." He looked unconvinced. "I suppose I somehow pinched your funny bone nerve. It was a million to one chance."

Susie rolled her eyes at me as we pulled her dad up. "Let's have a look at the damage."

Mr Jones grimaced as she waggled his finger. "What do you think, Jeffrey?"

"See if you can grind the ends of the bone together," I offered helpfully. "That's a sure-fire test - if your dad faints, it's broken."

Mr Jones hastily pulled away. "No, it's okay; the pain's easing, but my arm's tingling." He shrugged his shoulders. "You caught me by surprise, Jeffrey with your shifty martial arts trick." I started to protest, but he silenced me. "I'm a boxing man - how about we get out the gloves next time?"

"That's enough, dad," Susie warned. "Jeffrey needs all his brain cells intact - he's not going to be an estate agent."

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child," Mr Jones laughed. "Don't worry, your old dad's not a total ogre - young love shall have its chance." He turned to me. "We'll have to get to know each other better, Jeffrey - Susie says Robbie Davies is a close friend of yours."

I didn't want any more misunderstandings. "We were only close in the sense that he sat behind me. We have absolutely nothing in common."

"You're not a rugger bugger, then, Jeffrey."

"Definitely not. I've been exiled to the badminton courts - the powers that be have tired of waiting for my growth spurt."

"It's not size, but character that counts. No matter how big they are, they can't run without their legs. Throw yourself at their thighs." He zigzagged a finger down his nose. "The worst that can happen is a boot in the face."

"No way, dad, I don't want Jeffrey with a broken schnozzle."

"I think that's just what he needs. No offence, old son, but some feature that said unequivocally 'I'm a boy' wouldn't come amiss. Don't take this the wrong way, but even with a haircut and two cauliflower ears, you'd still be struggling."

Mr Jones continued looking at me. Susie moved in and put her arm around me. "Don't be horrible to Jeffrey, he's exactly what I want."

Her dad raised his arms - one and a half arms actually. "Down, boy," he smiled. "I give in, but you have to admit he looks very like that girl you were kissing goodbye on Sunday. Who was that again?"

"I told you, dad, Denise." I prayed Susie would say no more. "She's Jeffrey's cousin."

Well, that was better than her being my twin, so I took my chance. "She was here with her family saying goodbye - they're on their way to Australia at this very moment."

"She'll always be with you in spirit though, won't she, Jeffrey?"

"I can live with that, Susie."

Mr Jones gave a broad smile. "Oh, Jeffrey, our Susie's a very determined girl."

"I know, sir, I know."

Susie shut the gate behind her. "Dogs, gorillas, and bears they're all the same to you, aren't they, Jeffrey?"

"Don't say that - I feel pretty bad about leaving your dad with his arm in a sling."

"He only wants a bit of sympathy from mum. Come Sunday, he'll be out there rolling around in the mud." She gave a satisfied smile. "All things considered, that went off very well."

"Are you joking, Susie? I cripple your dad, and," I groaned, "he knows all about Denise. What's going on - why didn't you warn me?"

"Why add to your anxieties? You had to meet him sooner or later."

"Yes but ... Wait a minute he couldn't be so sure about me from just a fleeting glance on Sunday."

"You know what kid brothers are like - Mikey swiped your picture and showed it mum and dad. He thought he'd make trouble for me," Susie smirked. "Little did he know."

"I'm confused - I thought your dad wanted you to date a rugger type."

"He did until this week," she laughed and slapped me on the back. "I can't believe the luck I've had since I met you - it's uncanny."

"Go on, tell me the worst."

"It's not the worst - it's the best. His partner has a daughter my age. She was going out with someone from the rugby club. The perfect young couple dad said - not anymore." Susie lowered her voice. "To put it crudely, Jeffrey - she's up the duff."

"She's what?"

"Up the duff." Susie's arm made a circular motion over her belly.

"Ah, I'm with you."

"What's more, they're living together." Susie gave a broad grin. "Suddenly dad thinks it's a good idea if I don't grow up quite so quick - better I have a boyfriend like you for now."

"You mean one more interested in putting your clothes on than taking them off."

"That's it in a nutshell, Jeffrey." Susie smiled contentedly. "Isn't it wonderful - my dad won't throw a wobbly when he catches us indulging in our little quirk."

"That's taken a weight of my mind," I sighed, "but I suppose deep down he hopes that I'm just a passing fancy, eh, Susie."

"You won't mind if I disappoint him, will you?"

"No, but let's not push our luck."

"Talking about luck," Susie examined my hand, "is that why you keep your nails so nice - for self-defence?"

"I may have done a little idle filing," I admitted," but there's nothing girly about them. I've shaped them into very useful tools - I'd like to see the shrink-wrap that can keep me out."

"Why do you bother, Jeffrey, always offering a logical explanation?"

"I can't help it, that's the sort of mind I have. Give me some credit though - I've given up rational thinking as far as you're concerned."

I took Susie's hand and we turned into the main road. "Where are we going?"

"The shopping village." She gave me an appraising look. "I don't like to criticise, Jeffrey, but did you have to wear your school uniform?"

"I didn't know we were off out - I was in meet your dad mode. Anyway, you don't seem too impressed with any of my other clothes."

"I'm not, Jeffrey: I dressed better than you when I painted my bedroom."

"I can't compete with you in the fashion stakes," I conceded. "I suppose you'll be adding to your wardrobe - exactly how much money have you got?" I innocently inquired.

Susie hesitated. "Fifty pounds - I suppose I should make you an offer."

"By rights, I should have the lot."

"Half?" With an air of resignation, she opened her bag.

I heaved a sigh. "You may as well keep it; I'd probably only spend it on you anyway."

"Don't look so sad, it's only money."

"But it was my money," I fretted, "and now I'm willing to throw it away. Bugger Denise - that's what I call a serious identity crisis. I just hope you realise the full weight of your responsibilities."

"I do, Jeffrey, but don't worry, you ain't heavy - you're my sister."

 

Chapter 8

"Don't be embarrassed, Jeffrey, you're shopping with me - you can show an interest in my choice of skirts."

"Not this much interest, Susie; that's a good half dozen I've held up against myself. I'm getting some funny looks - why can't you use the mirror?"

"Aw don't sulk, Jeffrey; I tell you what, you've been such a good model, I'll let you choose."

Susie had bought a pair of so-called worker boots - well, I wouldn't want to drop a hammer on my big toe while wearing them. That was fifteen pounds gone. The most expensive of the skirts was forty pounds, which would clean her out and end our little expedition. "The black one with the sequinned hem. You've got to have it - here's the extra fiver."

"You really like that one?"

"Yes, it's so feminine - I can't wait to see you in it."

Susie held it up to me. "Then I'll get it for you, Jeffrey."

Well, at least we'll soon be on our way home.

I was wrong about that; it seems you can spend just as much time shopping without any money. Though I did give Susie twenty pounds to buy a shoulder bag. I suppose I felt guilty over the skirt - I just can't win.

"Quick, this way, Jeffrey!"

Susie interrupted my pondering on how to regain control over my finances, by suddenly pulling me off to the left. "What have you seen now?" I moaned.

"Don't look back, but I've just spotted Mad Max. I think we should avoid him - a macho man like that may not take too kindly to your little deception, Jeffrey."

I sneaked a glance behind. "He's following us - what are we going to do?"

"Keep on straight ahead, but if there's no exit, you may have to be Denise who likes dressing up as a schoolboy."

"No chance - I'm going to turn and run for it - he'll never catch me."

"What sort of a boy are you, Jeffrey - leaving me to face the consequences? Show some moral fibre."

"Oh, look where we've landed - the toilets. You've led me up shit creek without a paddle, Susie."

"Wait there, Jeffrey," she ordered and disappeared into the Ladies.

"Oh not now, Susie, he'll be here any moment." I considered the Gents opposite, but that was the last place I wanted to meet up with Max.

An arm came around the door and tugged my sleeve. "Quick, there's no one in here." Susie dragged me across the floor and into the end cubicle. "Take a seat, Jeffrey," she smirked, "you're as safe as houses in here."

I flopped down in relief. "I don't suppose you brought a book with you - I usually have a good read until my backside goes numb."

"Budge up and let me sit down."

We managed to get a cheek each on the seat. "My gran has an ornament of a boy and girl sitting together on a potty," I mused. "Well, actually, they're having a pushing match with their bottoms. I always thought it was a bit gross, but she says it's Victorian kitsch."

"If you like, we can have a double toilet as well as a double bed."

"I don't know about that - does anyone make them with extractor fans in the bowls?"

"The Japanese: their loos are the most advanced in the world. They're a remarkable people - we've a lot to thank them for."

"I certainly will have - a girlfriend bent on feminising me and odourless crapping."

"It's a funny old life, Jeffrey."

"It certainly is, Susie."

The sound of approaching footsteps interrupted our little reverie. "I don't want to worry you, but getting out of here undetected may not be so easy. Did you think of that?"

Before she could answer, there was a rap on the door. "Can't have two of you in the same cubicle; come on out or I'll have to call security."

Give Susie her due - she's a resourceful girl. "I have to take care of my sister; she has fainting spells at this time of the month - I wouldn't want her to hit her head. We'll be out in five minutes."

"Five minutes, then, or it'll me more than my job's worth. I want to see you before I let you out."

The woman's footsteps receded. "Drop your pants, Jeffrey," Susie hissed. I gaped, and she fought to suppress a giggle.

"This is no laughing matter," I seethed. "This is a criminal offence for me - and you won't get away scot free either. It'll be all over the papers - 'Teenage Twosome in Toilet Sex Shock Outrage' - let's see your dad explain that away at the golf club."

Susie ripped off my trousers. "Shut up moaning, Jeffrey and prepare to be Denise - no holding back - your life and my ever getting a car depend on her." She pulled the skirt out of the bag. "Don't just stand there, strip off."

When I emerged from under my shirt, she was dangling her bra before me. "Stop goggling, Jeffrey, and turn around."

"What a time to go topless, Susie."

"They should be for Denise's eyes only; put your arms through here, Jeffrey."

"This won't work," I moaned. "The woman's a toilet attendant Susie - she's seen it all. A handful of tissue won't fool her."

"Shut up and think girl." Susie got her way and I prayed for a miracle. "How's that, Jeffrey?"

"Nice and warm, Susie." While she put her top back on, I manipulated my puppy fat in the cups. I had a fair amount to work on, but this bra must give a girl a little help. "Look at this," I cried in astonishment, "I've got cleavage."

"Not so loud," Susie shushed, before peering down my front. "Golly, Jeffrey, they're a couple of little beauties - when we get out of here, we'll have some fun with those."

I jiggled them up and down. "God bless them, Susie, aren't they wonderful? They're going to keep me out of jail."

"I knew you had them in you, Jeffrey, but far be it from me to say I told you so. Now stop playing with Pinky and Perky, get your shirt back on and step into this."

Susie drew the skirt up to my waist. "You're wearing girl's knickers."

"No I'm not, these are definitely boy's briefs - I checked the packaging."

"There's no opening at the front and ... Jeffrey, where's your tackle gone?"

"Everything shot up when that woman knocked on the door - it was as if someone had thrown a bucket of ice cold water over me." Susie gave an exploratory poke. "Don't do that," I pleaded, "you'll have them going up and down like a juggler's balls."

"Sorry, Jeffrey, tuck your shirt in and I'll do up your skirt."

She stood back and I could see her nipples thrusting out from under her top. "Should I wear my tie?" I asked weakly.

"Yes, yes - halfway up and undo your top buttons - as if you'd loosened your clothing to get some air."

I couldn't argue with that, but when she approached with her very red lipstick, I began to have qualms. "Hold on, Susie, what with showing my bra and this short skirt, I'm going to look a right little trollop."

"No you won't - you'll just be an innocent schoolgirl trying to look grown-up. Now stand still."

A shiver went through me as Susie applied the lipstick. "It's a wonderful sensation, isn't it. Jeffrey?" she purred.

"It makes me feel self-conscious," I muttered.

"Girl-conscious you mean," Susie breathed. "Here let me put your hair in bunches, that'll top off your fantasy."

I obeyed and she finished me off with a long spray of perfume. "Gee, Jeffrey, you smell nice, just like my lingerie drawer."

"I wish I'd run away, Susie."

"Nonsense, you wouldn't have missed this for the world."

She stood back admiring her handiwork and a broad grin came over her face. "If you do get rumbled, it's going to be one hell of a mugshot."

"Be honest Susie," I said in alarm, "what do I look like?"

"You look like my kid sister." She dangled the red boots and shoulder bag in front of me. "Get these on, Jeffrey and then Denise can step out of the cubicle."

"Are you sure that you're all right, dear? You still look a little flushed."

"She'll be fine," Susie lowered her voice, "she just doesn't want to be alone when she's you know ..."

The attendant nodded sympathetically.

"She likes to have her big sister with her, don't you, Denise?"

"Yes, Susie," I whispered, "this is a scary experience." She hugged me to her and I rested my head on her shoulder. "I don't know what I'd do without you," I choked. To be quite honest, I think Denise may be a bit of a ham.

"Don't upset yourself love." The lady stroked my hair - even as Jeffrey, women want to mother me. "I'm sorry that I was a bit abrupt before, but rules are rules. Would you like a sit down and a cup of tea?"

"That's very kind of you," Susie smiled, "but we should be getting home - we're already late. Come on, best foot forward, Denise."

I waved a shy goodbye and arm in arm we stepped out into the street. Max had vanished. I silently cursed him - this was all his fault. "Let's get out of here and find a quiet spot where I can change."

Susie wasn't giving up her little sister that easily; we had another session of window-shopping on the way back. "How would Cinderella like to go to the ball in that dress?"

The price was eye watering. "Oh no, Susie, I see myself as a poor little waif dressed in rags."

"Ah, that's a very revealing psychological insight."

"Oh please, Susie, not now. If we were at home or a hundred miles from home, I wouldn't mind discussing it with you. But at the moment, I want to get away from here before any more complications arise."

"There's no danger; we can have some girl time together. Don't deny it, you enjoyed being Denise on Sunday."

"I wasn't parading in a short skirt and flashing my boobs at all and sundry then. And you're no better; your breasts are jiggling around like nobody's business. Look, those lads over there are ogling us like crazy, and I can't blame them."

"That should do wonders for your confidence."

"It'll do me no good at all if we run into somebody who knows us. How can I explain this away?"

"Deny everything, Denise; shake your boobs under their nose and ask them if Jeffrey's got a pair of these."

"That's enough, Susie." I steered her over to a bench. "There's twenty pounds in my pants pocket, get yourself a bra, and then it's straight home via some quiet back alley where Jeffrey can re-emerge."

"If you insist." I did up my shirt and tie while she dug into the carrier bag. I was making myself comfortable when she looked up. "I didn't say anything before, but I was surprised at your unbridled enthusiasm for baby breasts."

"I was convinced they were my passport out of there - it was such a relief." I paused. "But I have to admit it was love at first sight." I sighed. "I think I may be something of a narcissist on top of everything else - what a mess I am."

"You're a nice mess, Denise." Susie ran a finger over my shirt. "Don't you wonder where they come from?"

"They're just fat, before I started biking over the summer, I was a chubby little fellow. These are the last remnants of too much peanut butter." She looked dubious. "Honest, Susie, they're nothing compared to some of the sights I've seen in the changing rooms - talk about page three girls."

"But you're not a big fat boy - has nobody said anything?"

"This year I haven't turned up for P.E.; it's last period on Friday and I spend the time in the library. I only have one other free period; I think I deserve a little perk for taking double maths. Anyway, they seem to be turning a blind eye to it for now."

"You could poke their eyes out with those," Susie smiled. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be flippant, but they're a real bonus for me."

"That's fine, as long as you don't go googling to find out about boys with boobs."

"You want to let sleeping puppies lie, then."

"Please," I cupped them in my hands, "but they'll always be delighted to sit up and beg for you."

I undid my tie and loosened my top buttons. "Thank God you finally decided; I thought we were never going to get out of there."

"You didn't mind me spending the lot?"

"No, I'm too far gone to care - half an hour of browsing through women's underwear with you and money means nothing to me."

Susie smiled benevolently. "You say the nicest things, Denise."

I let it pass and looked anxiously down the street. "I wish you hadn't talked me out of getting back to Jeffrey in one of the changing rooms."

"There was no sense in taking unnecessary chances."

"But ..."

"Stop fretting, you're bullet-proof - Denise could be a lingerie model."

"Don't exaggerate."

"Would I do that? You're a perfect junior miss."

I was in the middle of giving her a cheeky pout, when I heard a voice that made my nipples tingle.

"Over here, Susie."

I looked up and there was Harriet waving away, worse she had already set off towards us. "I'm sunk, Susie."

"Leave it to me, Jeffrey, all is not lost; she likes you - in her eyes you've been a perfect little matchmaker."

"That Robbie," Harriet exploded as she reached Susie, "I was five minutes in a shop and he vanished. Did I make a mistake there! You'd think a dedicated athlete like that would welcome the chance to relax in sympathetic female company. All he does is talk sport and eat bananas - he could at least have offered me one. I'm a growing girl - not that he's noticed. The way he behaved Wednesday afternoon, I thought I'd have to fight him off. It's a bloody mystery."

She paused for breath. "Sorry, Susie, your friend must think I'm mad." She turned towards me. "I'm Harriet."

"This is Denise, she's one of our new neighbours."

"Pleased to meet you, Denise. That's a nice skirt - is it new?"

I managed a nod and looked desperately at Susie.

"Denise has had a funny turn, I'm taking her home."

"You look awfully pale." Harriet stared into my eyes. "Jesus, Susie, it's Jeffrey; he looks like Lolita and he's got breasts. What the hell's going on?"

"Shush, Harriet, it's Denise in public. Let's go sit over there and I'll explain."

I did up my shirt and sat at the far end of the bench. I knew Susie would be spinning some fantastical tale and I didn't want to hear it. Sure enough, Harriet's eyes widened and her mouth flopped open. Perhaps the best I can hope for is that she thinks we're both barking mad.

Susie patted the seat and I slid over. "I've let Harriet in on your troubles."

"Yes, Denise, you're a very brave girl - it must have been awful for you, living a lie all these years." She clasped my hand. "I understand your delicate psychological state; I won't breathe a word of this to anyone - your secret's safe with me."

Susie drew us together in a three-way hug. "Say thank you, Denise."

"I'm lost for words - there can't be many people as uncritically believing as you, Harriet."

I felt a dig in the ribs and Susie hissed in my ear. "Don't bugger up my good work, Jeffrey - let's hear some sympathetic girl-talk from you."

I gave it my best shot. "You deserve better than Robbie, Harriet. I had a year of him talking to me about his sporting prowess - I know how wearing it can be."

"You're so right, Denise, but at least you didn't have him droning on about his car. He's in love with it - he inspected my shoes before he let me get in." She shook her head. "Another major disappointment - I was hoping he had a shoe fetish - at least it would have been a start."

Susie nodded understandingly. "It's not your fault, Harriet, those rugger types don't make good boyfriends. Actually, Linda was probably right, I don't think Robbie would mind having one of his team-mates rub in the embrocation."

Harriet shrugged resignedly. "I did so want a big hunk."

I felt a presence hovering over my shoulder and then it went dark. "Guess who, Tiger," someone laughed.

"Get off her, Max, Denise is in no mood for silly games."

Oh, sugar - I pulled his hands away and turned around.

"Bloody hell, girl, you're certainly not in tomboy mode today - can I change my mind about you?"

"Down, boy," Susie warned, "we're lipstick lesbians today, but be nice to Harriet here and you may have a nice surprise."

"Don't be put off by my earthy approach," he smiled at her, "I'm only a simple rustic from over the river. I don't get to meet many sophisticated ladies at young farmers' dances."

I could see only trouble for me in them getting off together, but obviously Susie knows better. "We had a little run in with Max on Sunday," she explained to Harriet. "But in the end he showed his true colours and behaved like one of nature's gentlemen, didn't he, Denise?"

"No girl could have asked for more, Susie."

Susie glanced at Harriet who returned a nod. "Come on, Denise, it's time we were getting home."

Max and Harriet seemed anxious to be alone so we exchanged quick goodbyes. I can only hope they fall head over heels in love and forget all about me.

"I suppose you told her the same story as Robbie."

"Basically, but I added one or two little embellishments."

"Go on, I'd better know exactly what I'm supposed to be."

"Well, she was so impressed by your boobs, I made out that they were the real thing."

"Susie!"

"Well, they are in a way," she protested. "Anyhow that excited her curiosity about you know what and I knew instantly how to get her full sympathy." She paused. "You don't want to know all the details, do you, Jeffrey?"

"Go on, Susie."

"Well, I just told her that you're not one hundred percent boy down below."

I displayed commendable restraint. "And what exactly does that mean, Susie?"

"I don't know." She threw up her hands. "I'm not a sexologist or whatever. But don't worry," she smiled, "Harriet's convinced. She swallowed it hook, line, and sinker when I told her you were totally female where it counted - in the head."

"Oh, Susie, what on earth inspires you to say such things?"

"Don't fret, Jeffrey, it worked like a charm; she thinks that you're a girl with a little unfortunate extra plumbing."

"You've a febrile imagination, Susie."

"I know - I'm absolutely bursting with ideas. If psycholpogy wasn't my vocation, I'd be tempted by a career in advertising."

"I said ... oh never mind."

She gave me a playful poke "Come on, Jeffrey, get it off your chest."

I decided to try another tack. "Don't you ever think before you speak?"

"There's no need. I'm truly a people person - I seem to know instinctively just what to say."

"Yes, Susie, it's a remarkable gift and you use it so selflessly, always thinking of others."

"That's right, with power comes responsibility; I must be careful not to abuse it."

"I don't think there's any danger of that; you're a paragon of virtue, Susie."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, it's nice to be appreciated." She picked up her bag and looked around. "I wonder where Robbie is - perhaps I can persuade him to give us a ride home."

"Please no, Susie."

 

Chapter 9

We'd circled the shops once again. I was anxious to get away. "My feet are hurting, Susie - these boots aren't made for walking."

"They only need breaking in, Jeffrey - think of it as character building."

"There's no sign of Robbie, let's go home."

"Not yet, I've had an idea - one Jeffrey would have suggested straight away." Susie rolled her eyes. "Oooh, Denise, the lipstick must have found its way to your brain."

"This way, then, if you insist." I turned around and headed towards the car park. "I just hope he's buggered off home."

"You've been deliberately letting me traipse aimlessly around," Susie scolded and hurried after me.

I was out of luck: we had no trouble finding Robbie's car. "I know what you're up to Susie and you're wasting your time; he'll never let you drive it."

"You underestimate me - and yourself; hop on the bonnet and hitch up your skirt."

"I'm not seducing him," I spluttered.

"You already have, you little minx."

"Not consciously - I wouldn't know where to start."

"Don't come the innocent - every time I look at your boobs you bat your bloody eyelashes at me."

"That's different - it's fun flirting with you. I'm certainly not giving Robbie any encouragement - it's far too dangerous."

"All you have to do is be polite - his hormones will do the rest. There's nothing to worry about - three's a crowd."

"Your schemes have one thing in common - they go wrong and land me in trouble."

"Well, it's too late now - here he comes."

I turned around and moved in behind Susie. Robbie waved and broke into a run. "Aw, this will end in disaster, and all because of your mad desire to get behind a steering wheel."

"Nonsense, I'm thinking of your welfare too; this way you can change in the car and be delivered home as Jeffrey. Isn't that what you want?"

"Yes, but I'm not doing any stripping around Robbie," I hissed. "He's way too fascinated with my figure - I'd rather face my mum as Denise, breasts and all."

"All right, we can work something out about that on the way. Don't worry, I'll sit up front and you'll be safe on your own in the back."

"Okay," I shrugged, "but you do all the talking - tell him this is Denise's debut and she's paralysed with fear." I took comfort in the hope that with any luck she'll shatter his big end.

Robbie scrunched to a halt. "Wow, Jeffrey, Susie wasn't kidding, you really are turning into a girl."

"Call her Denise when she's dressed like this - we don't want to draw attention to ourselves."

"I understand." He gave me a long appraising look. "I don't know what to say; I've your photo in my wallet, but in the flesh you're something else."

I tried not to cringe and smiled weakly back at him. I decided to make the best of it and get that picture back if I could.

"Denise has had an attack of the vapours - her first time out is proving an overwhelming experience. Would you give us a ride home? We'd be ever so grateful."

"Nothing would please me more," Robbie smiled and held open the front door. To his obvious disappointment, Susie hopped in. While Robbie circled to the driver's side, polishing as he went, I dived in the back and locked the doors - I didn't want any help with the seatbelt.

Susie turned to me. "It's so frustrating," she moaned, "I've got you exactly as I want you and I can't do anything about it. Promise me Denise, on our first outing in my own car, you'll be securely restrained alongside me."

"Don't worry, if that comes to pass, there won't be a seatbelt tight enough - or an airbag big enough."

"I'm a natural, Jeffrey," she huffed, "I could pass my test now." She leaned over. "You cooperate and I'll be able to give you a demonstration."

I felt a tremor of alarm. "Remember we're the lovers, he's the gooseberry. I don't want you having a joyride in Robbie's car, while he's having a joyride in me."

"Calm yourself, Jeffrey; you'll be in no danger - I'll have everything under control."

I sank back. It was too late to do anything now, Robbie was easing himself into his seat - so I did what any sensible girl would, I recovered the comb from my boy clothes.

"We're in no hurry to get home - how about a spin along the prom? I can pick up some driving tips from you, and Denise can straighten out the kinks in your relationship."

"We have no relationship," I fumed. "We never have had and never will have, all I want from him is my picture back. I've nothing more to say. Take me home." I slumped in my seat.

For the next five minutes, there was silence except for a strange grinding noise when he changed gear. Given a chance, Susie will surely wreck his pride and joy.

Susie broke the silence. "This is great; we've plenty of time, how about letting me have a drive?"

"Yeah sure, we can go in the sunken car park - no one uses it."

Susie looked over her shoulder. "Is that okay with you, Denise?"

I shrugged. "Whatever."

They swapped seats. Robbie was happy to show off to an appreciative audience for the next half hour and I was happy to be ignored. I loosened my tie undid my top buttons and closed my eyes.

"You're quiet back there; is everything okay?"

"Let's have your jacket, Robbie, I'm cold." He was happy to oblige. I draped it over my knees, but not before I removed his wallet. There it was, the incriminating photo; it was a bit tacky, but Denise is made of sterner stuff than Jeffrey - I quietly tore it into tiny pieces and stuffed it in my bag.

"Are you comfortable now, Denise."

"Quite, thank you." I couldn't help noticing he wasn't short of cash - and he had a credit card. But I'm not that kind of a girl - I may be beggared by Susie, but I won't be buggered by Robbie. I was ready for home. "Can we call it a day? Going round and round is making me giddy."

Robbie turned his head. "That's something we could try - how many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?"

"Ask Susie," I pouted, "she knows more about Denise than I do."

"Two Babychams I hope, and don't call her Dizzy," she laughed. "Denise is a serious girl - she wants to be a librarian."

Robbie looked bemused. "He doesn't get it, Susie," I scoffed. "He must have put his head in where it hurts once too often."

"Just because I don't get some stupid private girly joke."

"Don't let Denise upset you; I think you've been wonderful teaching me like this. I just wish I didn't have to keep going in circles - is there somewhere else we could go? That would give you and Denise a chance for a little tete a tete."

"I know what - swap over and I'll drive us down onto the sands. You can drive around there to your heart's content."

I would have marvelled at his gullibility, if I hadn't been sitting there dressed as a schoolgirl.

Robbie drove onto the hard sand, deliberately scattering a gang of footballing kids in the process. I hoped he would come to regret bugging them.

Susie took the wheel, revved the engine and yelled out, '"Once more onto the beach dear friends."

I should have been alarmed, but I slumped down, and sang 'Que Sera, Sera' to myself, as she prepared for what I knew would be her attempt on the world sand speed record.

Robbie scrambled over into the back seat. "You don't mind if I join you, do you, Denise?" The car lurched forward. "Here let me tighten your seat belt."

I wasn't too alarmed: I was putting my faith in Susie and the shifting, sinking sands. Robbie managed a surreptitious feel of my chest and then stared fixedly at my little mounds. "If you're so fascinated by breasts get yourself a real girl - it'll be a lot less trouble in the long run."

"I'm not into girls, you know that."

"I don't believe you. Bloody hell, the opportunities you must have had with your rugger mates - and what do you do? Pick on the girliest boy you can find, and the girlier he gets the hornier you get. How do you explain that?"

Susie turned her head. "It's a case of ..."

"No prompting - keep your eyes on the sands - you don't want to run down a whelk."

Robbie cleared his throat. "Well, Denise ..."

"I wish you wouldn't call me that - I'm Jeffrey."

"You told me to," he protested.

"Only in public: you know and I know that I'm Jeffrey."

"You should take a good look at yourself; it feels wrong to call you Jeffrey."

"That just goes to prove you really want a girl."

"No I don't: I want a ladyboy like you."

Susie guffawed and I spluttered. "A ladyboy?"

"Yes, Jeffrey, I've always liked you and I couldn't figure out why - then I saw those Thai ladyboys on YouTube." He lowered his voice. "I've been wanking off to them all summer. Don't you see - you're my wet dream made flesh."

"Oh, Susie, are you listening to this? You and that YouTube will be the death of me." I looked Robbie straight in the eye. "Get this - no way am I a ladyboy. In fact, this last week I've set a personal best for butch behaviour."

"What about these?" He squeezed my breasts. "You must be taking hormones by the bucketful."

"Bloody gerroff, that hurt." I swiped his hands away. "They're nothing more than humble puppy fat elevated by the miracle of modern bra mechanics."

"Rubbish - come here, Denise."

"Susie," I screamed, "he's going to kiss me - do something."

"Oh no, he's not." She swung the wheel hard over.

Robbie pitched forward on top of me. "Wrong way, Susie - he's going to ruin your skirt."

The car lurched in the opposite direction and Robbie fell back, cracking his head on the window. "That's right - now send him back, I've got my comb at the ready - let's see if it works."

Susie accelerated and threw him back my way. I pulled his head back by the hair and ran the teeth under his nose.

"Aarrrgghhhh!" Robbie threw up his hands in pain.

"That's just a warning; if it comes in range again, I'll bite it off."

Susie was being carried away as well and after her next turn, we careered along on two wheels. "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!" she cried, as we entered a water filled gully.

"Oooooohhhhhh!"

"Fasten your seatbelts!"

"Oooooohhhhhh!"

The car tipped onto its side and we skidded along before finally juddering to a halt. "Captain Jones speaking - prepare to abandon ship."

I needed no urging. I freed myself and flung the door open. "Women and children first," I cried and, grabbing a bag, thrust off from Robbie's head. The car had pushed through the other bank and I didn't even get my feet wet when I dropped down onto the sand.

"Here I come." Susie followed my lead and clambered out over Robbie.

I helped her down and we surveyed the wreckage. "It's the same old story, Jeffrey, a car accident caused by an excess of testosterone." She put her arm around my shoulder. "Be grateful you were in the brains queue when they were handing it out."

"I am, Susie. Robbie used to be a real gentleman - now he's like Jekyll and Hyde." I adjusted my bra strap and gave a rueful smile. "Look at me - I've no room to talk."

She squeezed me tightly. "Don't worry, Denise and Jeffrey are both good guys."

I gave a sniff and then another. "I can smell petrol, Susie - better get him out of there and then we can leg it. I don't fancy having to give anyone my name and address."

Robbie saved us the trouble and stood up inside the car. We both stared at him. "That's one hell of a red nose, Jeffrey - is that your doing?"

"Yeah, Susie, but you're responsible for the purple face."

"What word am I searching for, Jeffrey?"

"Apoplectic, Susie, apoplectic."

"Spot on, Denise - do you think Beauty could soothe the Beast?"

I needed my boy clothes so I gave Robbie what I hoped was a winsome look. "For old times' sake, would you throw out our bag?"

Robbie swung a leg out of the door. "I'm going to bloody kill you, you bloody little pervert."

"Come on, Susie, run; you've totalled his one true love."

We hared off across the sand. "Exit stage left: pursued by an angry gorilla," Susie laughed and then gasped. "Before I forget, Jeffrey, what did you think of my driving?"

"Like everything else about you, it was breathtaking. At the end there I could have sworn the William Tell Overture was playing."

"It was the Ride of the Valkyrie, Jeffrey."

Halfway up the beach I risked a look over my shoulder. "We're safe, Susie; Robbie's got his work cut out fending off that gang of kids." I couldn't suppress a grin. "We sandgrown 'uns believe anything wrecked on the beach is ours to salvage."

We sat on the seawall and watched the melee around Robbie's car. "Who do you call in a case like this, Jeffrey - the police, the coastguard, or a breakdown service?"

"Well if events take their usual course, it'll be a job for the fire brigade. Kids love a bonfire on the beach."

"Do you think he's made a tactical error in chasing down his sat-nav?"

An arc of flame shot up in the air. "Certainly looks like it."

"I've never seen a car burn before - do you think it'll explode?"

"They seem to think so, because they're running like hell."

"I'm beginning to feel a little guilty, Jeffrey."

"Don't, Susie, boys will be boys. I'm just thankful we avoided a further encounter with the quicksand." I stood up and smoothed out my clothes. "It would have been a shame to get all messed up."

Susie looked me over. "Denise has come out of this rather well, Jeffrey. Hardly a hair out of place, makeup still intact, and best of all, no damage to my skirt and boots."

"Thank you - I've tried to take care of them as if they were my own. I want you to feel you can trust me with your clothes. The way things are going, I'll soon have none left - two sets lost in less than a week."

"You did the right thing, saving our lingerie before your boy stuff."

I was about to protest, but Susie shushed me. "Actions speak louder than words, Jeffrey - save your breath, it's a long walk home."

We were halfway down the ramp when we heard the explosion and a loud chorus of cheers.

"Motoring can be an expensive pursuit for a teenager, Susie, I think we should stick to our little hobby."

"Our little hobby," she smiled, "is that what this is going to be?"

"Well winter's coming and it's cold and lonely out in my shed; a shared indoor pastime has its attractions. I hope hobbies aren't too much of a boring boy thing for you."

"I'm willing to make the sacrifice, Jeffrey, it's important for a couple to have a mutual interest - something they like doing together. It deepens the bond between them."

"I can't argue with you there, Susie; this does add something extra to our relationship." I took her hand. "One thing though, next time hobbywise, let's make it more like stamp collecting than white water rafting."

"That's okay by me, Jeffrey," she beamed, "we'll have a quiet night in - a bedroom session. I'll plait your hair and paint your nails. How does that sound?"

"After today Susie, bliss - perfect bliss."

 

"Thank God you're all right, Jeffrey - my heart was in my mouth."

"Mine still is, Susie - and my balls are keeping it company."

Susie and Jeffrey 10 - 11 - 12 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 10

"It's even better with both of us wearing lipstick, isn't it?"

On our way home, Susie had found a resting place far from the madding crowd.

I caught my breath. "It's hard to say: kissing you is such an awesome experience anyway."

She ran her finger down my chest. "Don't be coy, Jeffrey. You liked it, fully dressed, didn't you?"

"Well, these clothes certainly allow easy access - I'll give you that."

"You loved it when I ran my hand up your skirt."

"I can't deny it," I gulped. "My thighs have joined my bottom as a definite erogenous zone - I only wish that I'd been wearing tights."

"Sheer black ones, I bet."

"No, thick woolly ones - my legs are blooming freezing."

"You need some fashion lessons," Susie huffed - then smiled, "but don't worry, they'll be fun."

"Just who chose the skirt?" I pouted. "The only mistake I made was not realising that I'd be the one wearing it, with the wind whistling up my rear."

Susie unpinned me from the gravestone. "I have to admit these aren't the ideal conditions for snogging. Come on, you've kept me out late enough."

"You're right. I should take you straight home with no more diversions - I wouldn't want your dad to get any wrong ideas about me."

We scrambled back over the wall and I brushed myself down. "I hope your first time in skirts hasn't been a wholly negative experience, Jeffrey."

"Don't worry, I'm not deterred; I've had some delightful moments," I beamed, before deciding it was best not to get too carried away, "but you could buy eight pairs of jogging pants for the price."

"Ah, but there's no way you would get the same pleasure out of them," Susie laughed and thrust her hand up the back of my skirt.

"Aaaww, Susie - pleeeease ..."

"Please what, Jeffrey?"

"Please steer me along by my bottom."

"You're shameless."

"I have to be, with you for a girlfriend."

 

"It's a long slog home, Jeffrey."

"Oh, it has its compensations - two young girls walking hand in hand down a quiet tree-lined street. I feel so close to you, Susie," I sighed soulfully. "Is there any chance I could wear your shoes?"

"They've a heel, Jeffrey."

"That's a big part of the attraction; I'd really feel I was tripping up the petticoat path."

"I don't know: I wouldn't want you turning an ankle."

"Oh, I'm willing to risk it. These boots so don't go with this skirt."

"That doesn't sound like something you'd say, Jeffrey."

"All right, if you must know, Denise doesn't like them - she wants to wear something more feminine."

"It's a nice try, Jeffrey," she grinned, "but I'm wise to your little games. You're not walking a mile in my shoes."

"Well, it was worth a shot, but I deserve some reward for breaking in these boots."

"I'm not ungrateful - I'll tell you what, when we get home, I'll rub some Fiery Jack into your feet."

I winced. "The funny thing is," I confessed, "most of it was true. You've heard of the Stockholm syndrome, Susie, where the hostages come to identify themselves with their captors."

"It's required reading for criminal psychologists. You know, "she added thoughtfully, "I think that's a career I should seriously consider."

I shook my head. "I don't know about that. I think manipulating people through advertising may be more in your line - besides, that's where the filthy lucre is."

"You mean give up my vocation and follow the money," she bit her lip. "That would be a tough decision to make."

"It's a noble calling: capitalism depends on it," I stressed, "and sacrifices will have to be made if you want us both to dress like fashion models."

"Well," she shrugged, "that's all in the future. I'm happy for us to be unspoilt schoolgirls for the next two years - how about you?"

"I know that you like me as Denise," I gave a little sniff and even managed a hint of a tear - it wasn't difficult the way my feet were feeling, "but I hope you don't become obsessed with the clothes, because Jeffrey has a lot to offer."

"Don't worry about that, you're both as one to me." She gave me a hug. "By the way, the little girl lost act is ever so appealing - are you going to use it on your mother?"

"Only as a last resort," I smiled. "I can't just say that I've lost my clothes. What do you think about this? I arrive home in shirt, socks and underpants ..."

"Knickers, Jeffrey."

"Let me finish - I tell my mum that I've been debagged by a gang of kids. The question is, will she think it's some kind of a cover-up?"

"Hardly that."

"Be serious, this is a crucial decision." I kicked out at a stone. "If only I had a few bruises from the crash - that would be evidence I'd put up a gallant resistance against overwhelming odds."
"Don't forget me," she grinned, "I would have been right at your side, fighting to keep you in trousers."

"Yes, you would," I laughed, "but that doesn't solve my problem."

"If you want to convince her with that story," Susie snorted, "you should be found stark naked, tied to a lamppost." She threw up her hands. "Just wear the skirt - your mother won't mind, believe me."

"It's difficult: this week, I've been helpful around the house and I haven't minded - well, not too much," I sighed. "I'm happy to carry on with that, but I've been resisting going any further."

"What's this - is there something you've been keeping from me?"

"It's nothing really, except that mum seems to be leaving her clothes and shoes lying around - a sort of open invitation for me to try them on. Actually, I think it's teenage girl's stuff; she must have bought it specially."

"And have you succumbed?"

"No," I huffed. "I've enough on my plate coping with you. Until I was dragged up into that toilet, I'd been manfully resisting. You've undone all my good work," I complained.

"I thought you were happy to be Denise."

"I'm not averse to taking a walk on the wild side with you, but this could mean being Denise with mum as well. What's she going to think? I'll have come home twice, in less than a week, dressed in your clothes."

"Accidents will happen, Jeffrey - you should know that better than anyone."

She pointed at an upcoming poster. There was Prince, posing with one of his trophies. Underneath, a five hundred pound reward was offered for information leading to his safe return.

"It's a good likeness," Susie shuddered, "pity it's not dead or alive."

I ignored my protesting feet and stepped up the pace away from there. "Mum believes my sort of accidents need a willing victim - and she's right in a way - you gave me fair warning and I carried on regardless."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I don't know: she's put up with such a lot these last few months. It would be cruel to tell her - this is just between Susie and me - not when she's being so understanding."

"I suppose you could wear a skirt around the house - just to avoid hurting her feelings."

"It wouldn't end there - I'm on a slippery slope. Honestly, Susie, I think it would be better all-round if you could get me some pants. How about sneaking out a pair of your brother's."

"I can try, but everyone will be home and we're so late that there are bound to be questions asked. And Mikey's such a nosy little bugger," she snorted, "he'll probably follow me out."

"Oh, I don't want him seeing me like this."

"Neither do I. You're a thirteen year old boy's wet dream - dad would kill me if there were any of those sort of complications."

"Please tell me that you're joking, Susie."

"It's the truth, Jeffrey: not only do you look like Lolita, you act like her. You're forever playing with your shirt buttons."

"I can't help it - I'm fascinated by what's in there. I bet you were just the same when you got your first bra. It's a big moment in a girl's life - especially when she's a boy."

"I'm not complaining," Susie laughed. "It's just that your behaviour is a wee bit erratic."

"I think I'm entitled to a certain amount of flip-flopping - it's not every week you discover a whole new you."

"It's a very attractive one, Jeffrey."

"But confusing, leaving aside the erotic aspects of being your girlfriend, which are considerable, I'm overjoyed to be free of all that crappy, macho, boy stuff."

"So, what's the problem?"

"On the other hand, most of all, I want a nice quiet life - a peaceful two years in the sixth and then on to university to read maths. A reclusive eccentric was my ultimate ambition - until you came along and turned my world upside down."

"Gee, I'm really sorry, Jeffrey. I suppose that I have been selfish," she acknowledged. "If there's anything I can do to help."

"I'll have to give it some serious thought, Susie," I frowned, "but for now we'll just have to make the best of it - I don't suppose you've a couple of matching black lacy bras?"

She grinned and smacked my bottom. "Be a good girl and I'll see what I can do."

You'd think that I would have learned my lesson, but I can't help playing along. "Don't," I yelped and gave a little skip, "at least, not in this skirt - wait until I'm wearing the tightest one you've got."

I was hoping for a further thwack or three, but Susie was regrettably diverted. "Crikey, Jeffrey - look over there."

Oh no, the House of Cats. We were on the opposite pavement, but I could see Miss Hackett in the garden and she was standing on the bottom rung of a ladder. I felt an unsettling tightening down below.

"Come on," Susie set off across the road, "before she kills herself."

"Don't panic," I yelled, "she probably has a head for heights. Maybe she'll be okay if you hold it steady- or go up yourself," I suggested desperately, as I trailed along behind.

Susie reached the gate. "Listen to yourself, Jeffrey - Denise would be ashamed of you."

"If we carry on like this, everyone's going to know. I may just as well put an announcement in the paper - with a before and after picture."

For mad words, deaf ears - she dashed up the path. "Hold on, help is on the way. It's Susie and Jeffrey."

"Just remember, we're not Batman and Robin," I cried out in vain.

Miss Hackett turned around. "Oh, Susie," she gasped, "little Nicky fell out of the attic window and slid into the guttering. I have to get him down - if you and ..."

She did a double take. "Did I hear you right?" She stepped forward for a closer look. "This must be Jeffrey's twin sister - I know he's a pretty child, but this is unbelievable, Susie."

"Yes, how she manages to pass as a boy is amazing; she's such a little sweetie, isn't she?"

I blanched and mouthed a silent 'Please, Susie' at her.

She relented. "I shouldn't tease, Miss Hackett, because Jeffrey's the hapless victim of circumstances beyond his control. The girls at the party ganged up on him."

This sounded a promising story and I gave a nod of encouragement.

"I should have called a halt, but when I saw how cute he looked with his hair in bunches and wearing lipstick, I urged them on."

Well, this is more like the truth.

Susie faltered. "I'm ashamed to say it, but I had an overwhelming urge to see Jeffrey in a skirt."

That's better: tell people I've been preyed on by a pack of feral females. "It's all very well apologising now," I whined, "but this could do me irreparable psychological damage."

Miss Hackett put her arm around me in sympathy. "Never mind, Jeffrey - don't upset yourself - and don't be too hard on Susie, I know how she feels, you do make a lovely girl."

Bloody hell, not another one - I can certainly pick 'em. Still, I preened; I must be quite a looker to take her mind off a kitty crisis.

"Not only is he a lovely girl," Susie drew me forward, "but he's a lovely girl who's at home at the top of a ladder."

I gave a surreptitious shake of the head, but she was having none of it. "You get up to the attic and give support, while we attend to matters here."

Miss Hackett hesitated, but set off after hearing a plaintive meow. "I've always thought you were a little angel, Jeffrey," she called over her shoulder. "I wouldn't be surprised to see you fly up there and save Nicky."

"I need to work on my helpless little girl act," I bleated, "because I'm going wrong somewhere. One minute, you're telling me what a pretty miss I make and the next you're sending me up a rickety wooden ladder, to who knows what dizzy heights."

"That's because you're so versatile," she giggled, before collecting herself. "Sorry, I should be serious, because there is something a bit spooky about all this."

"Spooky?" I raised my eyebrows. "What do you mean, Susie?"

"Well, here you are about to act out your ladder fantasy - it's like destiny is calling."

"Nonsense - it's nothing like it. I could run the high hurdles in this getup."

"Well near enough - it'd give me the shivers. There are eerie forces at work here, Jeffrey."

"What a load of rubbish," I scoffed. "There are no such things - let's get on with it."

"Are you sure?"

"Quite sure." I started up the ladder. "Though, I suppose it's possible the gods are having a joke with me - and a bloody big one at that."

"Keep on going, Jeffrey," she laughed, "and you'll be able to ask them."

"Susie, hold the ladder steady."

"Sorry, it's all right now - I've got a grip on myself. You needn't worry; I won't be moving from here - it's such a wonderful view. I hope you don't mind, but I'm looking right up your skirt."

"I'd be disappointed if you weren't - it's silly, but exciting, isn't it?"

"Oh, I so wish that you were wearing stockings and suspenders."

"I've learned my lesson; I'm not sharing anymore of my fantasies with you - true or not."

"Spoilsport."

Passing the top of the bay window reassured me - it would make a useful emergency landing site. Before making the final assault up the north face of the Hauskatzen, I reminded Susie of her duty. "Hang on down there."

"It's all right for you - there's all sorts floating down - I'm getting a hair full of dust and I don't know what."

"Well, just remember - they also serve who only stand and wait."

I finally reached the top and grasped the guttering. It tipped up and gave me a nasty moment, before depositing the kitten and a mess of black gunk on my shirt.

"Would you believe it," I shouted down, "I've ruined the rest of my boy clothes - they must be cursed."

"Never mind that, just be careful."

I pressed the cat to my chest and it had the sense to hang on - mission accomplished.

"Watch out below," with my free hand, I scooped out a tennis ball and more gunk. I wouldn't have been too upset if it had landed in Susie's hair.

I shoved the guttering back in place. "Cats rescued - gutters cleared," I yelled and immediately wished I hadn't. The way Susie got through money, if I wasn't careful, she'd be hiring me out.

I opened my shirt and tucked the kitten inside. I did up the buttons and congratulated myself on a job well done. I gave a wave to Miss Hackett at the window and shouted to Susie "It was a piece of cake - I could have done it in high heels and a hobble skirt."

"Just what sort of fantasies have you been having, Jeffrey? You shouldn't know anything about hobble skirts."

"Never mind that. I'll come down as if I was wearing one." I jumped two-footed onto the rung below.

The wood creaked alarmingly and sagged under me.

"Oh!" I grasped the ladder tighter, but it was too late.

"Ooh!" The rung gave way and my feet dropped down onto the next one.

"Ooohh!" There was no stopping now; they were going down like a row of dominoes.

"Oooohhhhhh! Susie, the bottom's falling out of my world."

"Land on me, Jeffrey. Better a squashed Susie than a damaged Denise."

She stood her ground and caught me in her arms. "After that little ride," I cried in relief, "I'll never criticise your driving again." We went stumbling backwards. "Oh, be careful," I shrieked, "I don't want to get grass stains on my skirt."

We'd ended up on the lawn playing spoons. "Thank God you're all right, Jeffrey - my heart was in my mouth."

"Mine still is, Susie - and my balls are keeping it company."

"Don't worry, it's just a temporary safety measure."

"After what I've been through today, I wouldn't blame them if they decided to stay permanently out of harm's way."

She sighed and whispered in my ear. "Don't worry, I know how to coax them down."

"I'll take your word for it, because we really should get up."

"I didn't mean now, Jeffrey," she scolded. "I wouldn't dream of compromising Denise in public." She reluctantly released me. "Note this position for later use."

I helped her to her feet and she threw her arms around me. "Never do anything like that again."

We hugged away until the kitten protested. "Let me get him out, Susie."

I unbuttoned my shirt and took out the little cat. "I wish I had a camera; talk about a chocolate box cute pair."

I smiled and let it jump free. "I can see an even cuter pair now."

"Aw, Susie, you're spoiling me." I stooped down and picked up the remains of one of the rungs. "That's what you call a bad case of woodworm," I said, as it crumbled in my hand.

"Forget the technical details and tell me, was it like flying?"

"No, very much like coming down in a jerky lift."

Susie looked disappointed. "Well, did your whole life flash before you?"

"No, I was pondering deep philosophical questions. What's it all about - why are we here?"

"We're here, because we want to be, Jeffrey."

"Don't joke, Susie: I've had a near death experience."

"I'm sorry, it must have been awful for you."

"It was, but I've made a significant discovery."

"What would that be?"

"The rush of air up a girl's skirt is a sensational feeling."

 

Chapter 11

I'd washed up and disposed of my shirt and tie. "Stop messing about Susie, I don't want Miss Hackett to see me like this."

"Sorry, Jeffrey - ugh - the fastener seems to be stuck. What have you done to it?"

"Nothing." I twisted around to see if she was really trying and took my eyes off the door.

When I turned back, Miss Hackett was setting down a tray. "Here we are," she smiled, "a nice cup of my special tea made from knitbone leaves."

She looked up and a vigorous effort from Susie set my breasts bouncing.

You'd think she'd never seen a pair of boobs before. "Is that all you, Jeffrey?" She gasped when she finally managed to look me in the eye.

"Yes," I blushed, "aren't these modern bras marvellous? I don't know how they do it, but they can work wonders for a girl."

Susie interrupted her pushing and shoving. "This one's worked a miracle for a boy, hasn't it, Jeffrey?"

"That's always the way, isn't it?" I appealed to Miss Hackett "The most stubborn fat is always in the place you least want it."

I think she knew it was a little white lie. "I wouldn't say that, Jeffrey, but you mustn't worry about them." She put her hand on my hair and scratched behind my ear. "My happiest little friends are those that I've helped to become, you know, in-between."

"Well, I suppose they do have their compensations," I purred.

Susie gave up on the bra. "Sorry, you're stuck with them for the moment."

"We can't let Jeffrey walk around like that," Miss Hackett frowned.

"I hope you appreciate my generosity." Susie went over to her bag and pulled out something purple.

"I don't remember buying that."

"You should have paid more attention in the lingerie department, Jeffrey. It's a satin cami top; it'll go perfectly with that skirt."

She held it out in front of me. "I think it may be a little too," I lowered my voice, "feminine."

Miss Hackett must have the ears of a cat. "I could lend you one of my cardigans, Jeffrey - would you feel more comfortable in that?"

A cardie with this skirt - no way. Anyway, I wouldn't feel right wearing Miss Hackett's clothes.

"Hold it up, Susie," I ordered. She slipped it over my head and I wriggled into it. "Oh, it feels wonderful," I blurted out.

Susie smiled and smoothed out the straps. "I can't wait to see you in my prom dress."

Miss Hackett coughed and I whispered. "Mind what you say, I don't want people thinking I'll be making a habit of this."

"At the moment, I think the main priority for Jeffrey should be a pair of tights. We don't want him getting a cold in his kidneys."

"Oh, I'm used to bare legs - I think I'll give them a miss. The more girly stuff I have on, the harder it will be to explain to my mother."

"In that case, I've just the thing - a nice thick woolly pair, like the lorry drivers wear. I'll get them for you - I won't be a minute."

Miss Hackett disappeared upstairs and I looked at Susie in alarm. She grinned and pulled a pair of sheer black tights out of her bag. "I bet you'd prefer these wouldn't you?"

I dropped my skirt. "Hurry up, before she comes back."

She opened the packet and passed them over. "Do you need any help?"

"You're dealing with someone who can unscramble Rubik's Cube: no article of women's clothing, however intimate, is going to defeat me."

"Thanks for the warning, Jeffrey. I can see I won't be safe with you around."

"You may scoff, but I could have managed the bra if you hadn't buggered up the fastening." I had the tights over my knees. "I wouldn't be surprised if you did it on purpose." I yanked them over my bum. "Oh, is there no end to it, Susie - I love the feel of them."

She came over and fussed around more than was necessary, but I didn't complain. "They suit you, Jeffrey." She helped me back into the skirt. "How's that?"

"Amazing, my thighs thank you, my calves thank you, but most of all my feet thank you."

I looked down and wiggled my toes. "Oh, they're so sexy - I'm not hiding them away in those bloody boots. Hand over your shoes."

"You win, Jeffrey." She sat down and took off her shoes. "I suppose these do go better with your outfit. Slip your feet in here."

"I have to be honest with you," I said as she fastened the straps. "I think Denise may develop into something of a shoe fetishist. I wouldn't mind playing a little footsie with you later - as long as you're not wearing those boots."

"I'm going to have my work cut out keeping up with you. You'll have to make do with this for now." Susie ran her hand up my leg. "Come on, let's see you on the catwalk."

I took a couple of paces and then sashayed through the assorted moggies - they gave me a chance to try out my wiggle.

"Not too much, Jeffrey - you're quite the sophisticated young lady now."

"Am I really?"

"Yes, you are - and it's your choice. You could have accepted Miss Hackett's offer."

"Denise wouldn't let me." I twisted to get a glimpse of the backs of my legs. "I can't understand it, as a kid I hated dressing up; I remember wearing a Spiderman costume and being too embarrassed to come out of my room."

"And baby look at you now - give us a twirl."

I willingly obeyed and sent my skirt flying up. "Susie, you have something to answer for," was all I could say as it sensuously settled back down over the tights.

"From the expression on your face, I think that I'm not entirely to blame."

"You're probably right," I sighed. "This time it's going to take more than a morning of double double maths to ditch Denise; I may have to recite the first thousand digits of pi - forwards and backwards."

"Ten thousand at least, Jeffrey."

I shrugged. "Like you said, Susie - if you're going to have a fantasy, have a good one."

"They don't come much better than this, Jeffrey."

"Before you get too carried away, let's agree on our story. I don't want to tell my mum about the toilet episode and I'm sure you don't want your dad to know about your driving exploits."

"It's the party story then; I'll take the rap for leading you astray."

"No, don't do that, mum's bound to think it was my idea - putting the blame on you will only make me look worse."

Susie gave a thoughtful nod. "You don't have to give her the full works - you could strip down to the bare essentials."

"I know, but she's convinced I'm at least a closet cross-dresser; I may as well get it over with." I gave a wry smile. "I can't help myself; I'd rather she saw Denise at her best."

Susie laughed. "Come on, we'll fortify ourselves with the special tea."

She poured out two cups and pushed one over. I hesitated. "You didn't supervise the making of it this time - I'd rather not."

She emptied her cup with a couple of large swigs. "Down the hatch Jeffrey, the worst that can happen is it'll put more flesh on your chest."

"No, it isn't," I said solemnly, "plenty of folk mix up knitbone with foxglove, the cemetery's full of them - ask my gran."

"It did taste a bit funny." Susie anxiously licked her lips.

I picked up my cup. "Ah well, better go together like star crossed lovers." I drank it down and flopped dramatically back in the chair. "I rather fancy myself as Juliet- what do you think?"

She chuckled. "Bloody Denise the Menace is more your hammer. Come here, your lipstick needs freshening."

"Go ahead, do your worst. This girl needs all the confidence she can get."

"You're learning, Denise," she laughed and set to work.

"Is that what you like to be called, dear?"

"Oh, there you are, Miss Hackett, it's just our little joke," Susie smiled over my shoulder, "I persuaded Jeffrey to stay in character." She spun me around. "He's a little heartbreaker, isn't he?"

"I know what you mean, but Jeffrey's feelings should come first." She turned to me. "Is this what you really want?"

Confessing to my mother is one thing - I thought it best not to commit myself. "Actually, I may be suffering from delayed shock. That brush with death has upset me."

"I understand - you're not yourself."

"That's right - I may not be fully responsible for my actions." I sought support from Susie. "It's a well-known psychological phenomenon, isn't it?"

She hugged me to her. "The fact is Miss Hackett, Jeffrey's had a run of traumatic experiences and this last one may have pushed him over the edge. I think he's seeking refuge in his Denise persona."

"In that case, I'm certain I was right to ring his mother and tell her the whole story- she's on her way to pick you up."

Miss Hackett closed the door behind us and we set off down the path to the car.

"Are you a fine little actress or is your mother really allergic to cats?"

"I didn't want mum to meet Miss Hackett with me standing there dressed like this."

"I suppose it would have been a bit of a shock," she grinned, "meeting a witch and Miss Teen Angel."

"The more angelic the better, Susie - how's this for a wide-eyed innocent look?"

"Take your thumb out of your mouth, Jeffrey."

"Joking apart, I'm sticking to my story that why I'm doing this is a complete mystery to me - which isn't a million miles from the truth - so don't bugger it up."

"Rely on me. Whatever you say - I'll give my full support."

"I'm glad to hear it, but don't get carried away. In fact, I'd prefer a silent witness - just nod your head."

"My lips are sealed, Jeffrey."

"I don't believe it for a moment."

She held open the door. "My only regret is that I've deprived you of a three mile hike in those bloody boots," I smiled sweetly, before sliding in gracefully beside my mother. I fastened the seatbelt while Susie climbed in the back.

I turned to my silent mother and nervously cleared my throat. "We've been having a little fun and games - and one thing led to another. I may have gotten ever so slightly carried away," I trailed off.

Mum plucked at the hem of my skirt and said nothing.

I swallowed. "You're right - I do have a feminine side." I gave her a resigned smile." I shouldn't have tried to keep it a secret - mother's always know, don't they?"

I was hoping she would find Denise as lovable as I do and hug me, but I was disappointed. Mum didn't relax her stern look. "You have no excuse."

"It's not my fault," I whimpered, "I did my best to think of one."

"Whatever am I going to do with you, Jeffrey?"

"I'm sorry."

"How many times have I told you?"

"I can't help it - Nature's played a cruel trick on me."

"You're never to go up another ladder!" She wagged a finger under my nose. "Leave it to the professionals."

"But ..."

She pulled me into her and stroked my hair. "Oh baby, I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you," she sobbed. "In future try to be more responsible - remember that you're the man of the house now."

Susie didn't laugh - I only wish she had. "Don't blame Denise, it was her maternal instincts - since she found out she has breasts, she's been like a girl possessed."

I groaned inwardly as mum leant over, lifted the front of my cami top and cradled my left breast. "That's such a relief! All summer long, I've been worried you were anorexic or bulimic - or both."

Susie piped up again from the back seat. "You can put your mind at rest; Jeffrey's fat has just been redistributing itself for Denise's benefit." She turned to me "Very svelte - that's how you described yourself, didn't you, Jeffrey?"

"I don't think that I said 'very'," I glowered.

Mum dropped my top back in place. "You shouldn't have kept these from me, Jeffrey."

"I haven't. I just didn't realise so much could be made out of them. Don't make a fuss - Denise is happy with them - whatever they are."

"Denise," she sighed. "You remembered that was the name I'd chosen for a girl baby."

It was news to me.

"That was thoughtful of you, Jeffrey." She turned to Susie. "I shouldn't be surprised, though, - such a change has come over him this last week. We both owe you a huge debt of gratitude."

"Yes," I conceded weakly, "she's Pygmalion and Aphrodite rolled into one."

"She's certainly made a lovely Galatea out of you."

"I can't take all the credit, Jeffrey is such stuff as dreams are made on."

Mum laughed. "Does everything you've got on belong to Susie?"

"Yes, apart from the briefs."

"And it's all new?"

"Yes, we've been shopping." I thought it best to be diplomatic about the bra's exact origins.

"You shouldn't take advantage of Susie's generosity in this way. It's not fair letting her spend all that money on you."

"It's okay, it was fun having Jeffrey choose and there's no one I'd rather have wearing them."

Mum got out her wallet. "How much did they cost, Jeffrey?"

"Fifty pounds."

Mum passed three twenties over to Susie. "Here you are and a little extra for your guidance." She turned to me. "We'll settle up later, Jeffrey."

As we pulled away, I decided Denise had better show more interest in clothes than Jeffrey does - I need to get her a dress allowance, the way Susie spends my money.

They began to chat about me.

"I think pink would be more appropriate for Denise; she hasn't your maturity, Susie."

"Red lipstick's one of my little weaknesses, I'm afraid."

Pink, red, I licked my lips in contentment.

"Jeffrey will have to take better care of his hair."

I snuggled down in the seat and rested my hands on my thighs. Why not make the most of it "Take the long way home along the prom, this is helping me unwind."

Susie leaned over and massaged my shoulders. "Go on, Mrs Smith - Denise deserves some therapy."

Mum smiled, "I'll drive slowly," and she headed towards the sea.

I closed my eyes and relaxed. They continued their conversation and I basked in their warmth. I felt at home. "Never sad diffident Jeffrey again," I murmured when Susie stroked my hair.

All good things have to end - we swung into our street. "Can I drive the rest of the way?"

Mum slowed down. "Have you done much driving, Susie?"

My eyes sprang open in alarm. I should have been dismayed by the sight that greeted me, but it was deliverance in one way. "Hey, there's your dad standing at our gate, we'd best not keep him waiting."

Mum gave me a concerned look. "What do you want to do, Jeffrey?"

"Pull into the drive, Susie and I will take it from there."

We got out and mum continued into the garage. Susie held up her hands. "Sorry we're late, but it was circumstances beyond our control."

"You should take your phone - and don't say you forgot, because you do it on purpose."

"Don't shout, dad - what will Denise think."

"You're hiding behind my skirts now," I hissed in her ear.

She thrust me forward. "Hello, Mr Jones - I bet you're surprised to see me, but like Susie says, you can't keep a good girl down under."

He looked me over and gave a broad smile. "Sorry about this." He indicated his sling. "But left hand's a Lancashire man, isn't that right, Denise?"

"Careful dad, Denise is even more redoubtable when roused than Jeffrey."

"I know how to treat a young lady and I wouldn't be surprised if Denise could teach you a thing or two about proper feminine behaviour."

He gave me a polite handshake. "Has Susie been up to her little tricks again?"

"It's not her fault - I brought it on myself."

Mr Jones gave a thoughtful nod. "I can well believe it - your picture doesn't do you justice, Denise."

"Well dad, that was a fake - this is the real thing."

His eyes fixed on my chest. "All of him?"

"Yes, all of her dad."

"Have you ... I'm sorry," he stammered, "I shouldn't be asking - I don't want to know any more."

I have to admire Susie's opportunism. "We'd like to spend more time together - you don't mind if Denise comes round in future, do you?"

"That'll be fine," he spluttered, "but you behave yourself, young lady. Look after Denise; don't go getting her in any trouble."

I was prompted by Susie's hand on my buttock. "Thanks, Mr Jones," I murmured and lowered my lashes. "A boy like me needs a girl like Susie with a father like you."

He smiled awkwardly at me and turned to Susie. "We'd best be getting home - your mother's waiting to give you a good telling off."

I was glad he was gone before mum emerged. We walked up to the front door together.

"Is the car fully insured?"

"Yes and the house, but you're not - so be careful in future."

"Don't worry mum: Susie is watching over me, but just one thing - please don't go giving her any driving lessons."

She ushered me inside. " Is there something I should know?"

"No, not really - it's just that she's underage and I don't want either of you getting into trouble."

"You're so much more caring lately; I can't tell you what a relief it is." Mum hugged me to her. "I thought I was losing you over the summer, Jeffrey." She smiled. "I'm sorry, should I be calling you Denise - I'd like to."

"Are you sure? This whole business must be a bit of a shock - if you feel awkward about it ..."

"Go and make a cup of tea for your mum, Denise."

I didn't argue.

 

Chapter 12

"It's Friday, I'm in love."

"You're so cheerful, Jeffrey; I'm amazed - I was expecting a post-Denise hangover."

"How's that?"

"I thought, the morning after the night before, it would be recriminations all the way to school."

"No: things done, cannot be undone, I've decided to have no regrets."

"None at all."

"Well, I'm still concerned about your dad's arm - he's going to be okay, isn't he?"

"Don't worry, sensation is slowly returning - he managed to knock the top off his egg this morning."

"That's a relief," I sighed. "Honestly, I was surprised by his reaction last night. What did he say when you were alone?"

"As long as she doesn't seduce Mikey," Susie smirked, "Denise will be a welcome guest."

"I don't like the sound of your brother - I think it would be better if he and Denise never met."

"We can handle him - not even Hercules can contend against two."

"A big lad, is he?"

"He takes after dad - he's a hairy beast."

"That doesn't sound too good."

"Don't be so gloomy, Jeffrey - just be thankful that I favour mum."

"Yes, what about your mother - how did she react?"

"Oh, she used to be a hairdresser - she's looking forward to your first appointment."

"Aw, Susie!"

"Don't go saying, 'Never again, never again'."

"I'm not. I realise Denise is a very popular girl. I wouldn't want to disappoint you or my mum."

"Or yourself."

"Or myself," I admitted. "But from now on Denise is a stay at home girl - she's definitely not coming out to play."

"Aw, Jeffrey."

"Never mind, 'aw, Jeffrey' - I'm more than ever persuaded that Susie and Denise should take up stamp collecting."

"That sounds dull and pointless," she moaned. "And it's unhygienic - I don't want Denise fiddling around with other people's spit. Apart from mine, that is," she leered.

"Well then, how about dressmaking? I'm prepared to give it a go - I enjoy working with my hands."

Susie looked dubious. "But think of the money you'll save," I continued. "I don't even mind being the model - as long as you're careful where you stick the pins."

"You'll have to spend a lot of time sitting around in my underwear."

"I guess I can grin and bear it."

"I'll think about it, but I still have a yen to go out with Denise - it's such fun."

"Be sensible, Susie: I'll be with you, people know I haven't a twin sister - what are they going to think? And don't say it doesn't matter, because it does - they aren't all Harriets."

"Perhaps Denise could wear dark glasses."

"Yeah, and a pink wig," I mocked.

"Funny you should mention that," she grinned.

"Only in your bedroom, Susie."

"Is that a promise?"

"Yes: if you ever get me up there, that'll be the least of my worries."

"Well, it certainly isn't the only pink thing I have in mind for you."

"Ribbons and bows among them, I hope."

Susie snorted. "Just how long did you spend as Denise last night?"

"Until bedtime and beyond - the amount of money those clothes have cost me, I need to get the wear out of them."

"And what did she do?"

"Watched a film with mum."

"Was it a weepie?"

"Of course not: I've told you before, Susie - I've a strong scientific bent. I won't be indulging in soppy movies or playing with Barbie dolls."

"I should hope not, Jeffrey; you're way too old for that."

"You know what I mean. Anyway I managed to find an old, end of the world, disaster movie - 'The Night of the Comet'. Mum doesn't really like that sort of thing, but I cuddled up to her and let her play with my hair. She was really happy."

"You made a noble sacrifice."

"Oh, I enjoyed it too."

"What about the picture?"

"That was no nonsense Sci-fi - right up my street."

"Who was the girl in it, Jeffrey?"

"Ah well, there were two girls in it - they were sisters."

"Were they attractive?"

"Very." I knew I was entering dangerous waters, but I plunged on. "Just for fun, I made believe you were the older one."

Susie smirked. "What about the stroppy kid sister in the cheerleader outfit?"

"Aaahh, you've seen it - sorry, I didn't mean to bore you."

"Fess up, Jeffrey."

"Okay, okay - I was the little sister."

"And what was your favourite part?"

"If you must know, when they were ransacking the store and 'Girls just want to have fun' was playing."

"There aren't many comedy, end of the world, lesbian sisters, shopping, musical films available."

"They weren't lesbians."

"They were in your mind, Jeffrey."

"If they were, it's your fault."

"Anyway, I hope you made the most of it."

"I did, but I wasn't too keen on the ending."

"Why not?"

"Boys raised their ugly heads and ruined my fantasy. Well, I suppose they had to," I moaned, "survival of the species and all that."

"Cheer up, Jeffrey - we're a special sort of sisters," Susie grinned. "With a little practice, we won't need any outside help."

I laughed and threw caution to the wind. "I've another confession to make. I've indulged in a little training of my own - my first outing in stilettos. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of you."

"Did you fall flat on your backside?"

"No, I didn't. In fact, I don't know what all the fuss is about - I was soon up and down the stairs like a yo-yo."

"Don't get carried away, Jeffrey - that's standard stuff for girls."

"Carrying two trays with a laundry basket on their head and going backwards - I don't think so, Susie."

"I'm sorry to have missed that, Jeffrey."

"That's a treat in store for you then, because from now on, I'll be insisting on high heels for Denise. I only hope you've some proper ones; I don't want to be walking around in tiddly one-inchers."

"Keep on going," Susie ordered and hung back a little. "I thought so: you'll have to watch yourself, because I can detect a pronounced swaying of your hips."

"Oh, that's just for your benefit, I thought you might like a little preview."

"That's fine for Denise, but Jeffrey should exercise a little more restraint."

"I have it under control, but there's really no need to worry - plenty of fellows around here walk with a rolling gait."

"Are you sure? I didn't think it was that kind of a place."

"Yeah," I laughed. "It's my gran's putdown of any big-bummed Hollywood star - 'Look at her, she walks like a deckie' - a deckhand, Susie," I explained, "on a ship."

"I know that," she huffed and then smiled. "That'll never be said of you, Jeffrey - you've an elegant little tush."

"I'll see Denise thanks you for that remark; she likes receiving compliments - especially those kind from you."

Susie gave me a quizzical look. "You are different this morning: what else did you get up to last night?"

"Well, when I was alone in my bedroom, I had a little session in front of the mirror. You know the sort of thing."

"Details, Jeffrey."

"I tried out some feminine gestures," I blushed slightly. "Flirty, feminine gestures, actually - to use on you."

Susie nodded her approval. "Go on."

"Well, I was in full girly mode so I thought it would be a good time for a little experiment."

"You didn't, Jeffrey."

"I did, Susie. I got out my magazine and found a difficult position. I wanted to put Denise to the test - really stretch her to the limits and see how deep a one she could handle."

"You didn't strain anything, did you?" She asked anxiously.

"No, I was surprised at how easily it yielded to my efforts. Everything seemed to pop into place at once. It all came out in one big rush. I was ecstatic."

"Wouldn't it have been better if I'd been there?"

"I don't know about that - it's something I've always done alone, but you're welcome to sit and watch. Although, I can't see it's much of a spectator sport."

"You don't think you're going to prefer it to, you know, me and you?"

"I'm hardly qualified to answer that, but Fischer did once say it was better than intercourse."

"Norbert Fischer, the psychoanalyst."

"No, Robert Fischer, the chess player."

"The what: bloody hell, Jeffrey - what exactly were you up to?"

"I was solving a problem by Kling - ten moves deep, would you believe - and the whole solution came to me in one blinding flash of insight."

"And that's why you're so happy?"

"Well, my biggest worry was that Denise might impair my intellectual ability, but Jeffrey himself couldn't have solved the problem any better - she did him proud."

"She's your ideal woman then."

"Yes, what more could I ask for - breasts and brains."

"You make her sound like one of your vile, local sausages."

"Aw, Susie, don't joke about it - I was really concerned. It's a great relief, but I'm still slightly baffled at her amazing perception."

"Perhaps you're developing female intuition as well."

"I love Denise to bits, but let's not go overboard."

"There's a theory ..."

"You've been googling again - I suppose this is Norbert Fischer talking. Aw, I specifically asked you not to; we're happy together - there's no need to go delving in the undergrowth."

A guilty look crossed her face. "I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault - one link led to another."

"That's the danger of cross-referencing, Susie - you don't know where it will all lead."

"Nuff said, Jeffrey."

The school loomed up ahead. "Are you worried about how Robbie may react?"

"Not really, he's hardly going to risk his love for ladyboys becoming known. Anyway, all I did was chastely spurn his advances, you're the one who wrecked his car."

"Defending your honour, don't forget."

"Which wouldn't have been at risk in the first place, but for your driving mania. I just hope you've learned your lesson."

"A patch of soft sand caught me out, but I didn't panic - even though we may have taken to air for a while. I brought off a perfect emergency landing - I slid us to safety."

"I have to agree: it felt like we were coming in on a wing and a prayer - but you were as much a passenger as anyone."

"Phooey."

"Well, it's made me think. I was happy for you to be the number one driver in the family, but now I'm not so sure."

"Don't say that, I'm really looking forward to driving Denise around."

"You can forget that: Susie and Denise aren't participating in any extreme sports."

"Aw, that's my car fantasy up the spout."

"Not necessarily: Denise was looking forward to finding paradise by the dashboard light - you'll just have to ravish her in the safety of the garage."

"I can still strap her down in the seatbelt."

"Yes: as tight as you like - and you can bugger up the buckle."

Susie punched me on the arm. "You're a sport, Jeffrey."

"I'm a bloody fool: I should be concentrating on getting through the day unscathed - I've put a lot of people's noses out of joint this week."

"I've heard rumblings and I've a plan. If anyone tries anything, we should show no mercy - dish it out hot and strong as an example to the others. Show them that it doesn't pay to mess with Susie and Jeffrey."

"But ..."

"Too late now, there goes the bell - come on."

Harriet greeted us with a huge grin as we entered the form room. "My favourite people - I can hardly wait to tell you about me and Max, but best wait till break when we can have a bit of privacy," she winked.

"That's fine by me, an ounce of discretion is worth a pound of wit, isn't it, Susie?"

Before she could answer, Harriet pointed to where Robbie's head poked out above a curious crowd. "What do you know about that?"

"He's lost some hair at the front, Jeffrey - and there's something else peculiar about him."

"He's lost his eyebrows, Susie. How on earth could that have happened?"

"A little thing like that and he looks - what's the word?"

"Unfinished, Susie - unfinished." An unpleasant thought occurred to me and I pressed my lips to her ear. "When you go to work on Denise, please don't get carried away."

"You'll only need a token pluck - so you can say 'been there, done that'."

"What are you two whispering about?"

Susie grinned. "We were just saying that he's more orang-utan than gorilla now - if only we had some orange hair-dye."

Harriet giggled. "That would be funny."

"Really funny," Susie laughed.

I was worried where this might lead, but fortunately Fairy Nuff, our form master, arrived and called for order.

"Fair enough - settle down now."

"I can't thank you two enough. Max and I are like that." Harriet crossed her fingers. "He's a real boyfriend - none of your Robbie nonsense."

"Where did you go?" Susie asked.

"MacDonald's - proper food - not a banana in sight. He knows how to treat a girl and what's more his dad owns a farm. I'm not being mercenary, but it does add to the attraction."

"What did he say about me and Susie?"

"Oh, he's quite in awe of the pair of you - he thinks you're rampant lesbians." she hesitated. "I'm worried that with us all being friends, he's bound to run into Jeffrey sooner or later."

"Do me a favour, Harriet," I sighed, "tell Max the truth - I don't want to be forever dodging him."

"You don't have to," Susie interrupted. "We can make him believe Denise likes to dress as Jeffrey."

"No, I'm not comfortable with that, besides I don't want any more complications." I smiled at Harriet. "I'm sure I couldn't have a more sympathetic advocate - Max will probably send me a huge bunch of flowers."

"You can rely on me." She opened her arms. "I won't let a sister down."

Susie gave the thumbs up and joined us in a three-way hug. "Say something, Jeffrey."

"This is a damn sight better than a rugger scrum."

We broke up and Harriet excused herself. "I know it's awful of me, but I've got to tell Linda the good news - well, rub her nose in it, actually - the crap I've had to put up with from her."

We waved our goodbyes and Susie started singing.

"Don't be silly, Susie - they've only just met and they're only sixteen."

"I have a nose for these things: Max has had it - you can look forward to being a bridesmaid."

"Is this before or after we're married?"

"Oh, they'll beat us to the altar, Jeffrey. I don't rush into things - I'm a cautious soul."

"Do you feel okay, Susie?"

"You may have been reckless," she snorted, "asking Harriet to tell Max. After she's added her Chinese whisper to my little fantasy, he'll probably be more confused than you."

"He's probably seen all sorts down on the farm - it won't faze him."

"I hope you're right, Jeffrey."

"I'd better be, because Max has probably gelded a fair few piglets in his time."

"The way things have been going for you," she grinned, "it may be a wise precaution to have some sperm frozen."

"Cheer me up, Susie."

"Okay, altogether now."

After dinner, I met up with Susie on the school field.

"Glenn Rickman's a weird character, isn't he? Sometimes when I look at him," she made a pair of glasses with her fingers, "I think I'm wearing X-ray specs."

"I know - he does a good impression of the visible man. He was excused games for the first few years, but he's never missed a single day of school - he's never had so much as a cold."

"He gives me the shivers - I wouldn't like to shake his hand - if you know what I mean."

"Yes, he's fond of his creepy-crawlies. Is he still going around with a pocketful of maggots?"

"No, Jeffrey, not that - use your imagination."

"Oh, that - well, I don't see much of him now and I can't say I'm sorry."

"He brought his new pets along to dinner. They were sitting on his shoulders, the whole meal, nibbling away at lettuce leaves and chattering away."

"That's strange grub for parrots - if he's not careful he'll end up with a pair of Norwegian Blues."

"They're locusts, Jeffrey - he's breeding them for his biology project. He invites all the girls to watch them coupling, while he makes lewd remarks and let's his hands wander."

"They haven't wandered your way, have they?"

"No fear, I would have decked him then and there."

"That's why I'm glad we've gone our separate ways."

"What's this - another one of your secret admirers?"

I pulled a face. "Don't even joke about it, Susie. He had, what I thought was, an unhealthy interest in female anatomy. I know boys are fascinated by that kind of thing, but there are limits." I shrugged. "Maybe I'm a bit of a prude."

"You certainly don't behave that way with me."

"That's an entirely different matter - our relationship is a thing of beauty."

"And a joy forever."

"And a day."

"Come on, you slushy bugger," Susie grinned and turned towards the biology labs.

"Why are we going this way?"

"Rickman's holding court, showing off his little friends - it might be interesting to see what's happening."

"I'd rather not; I don't like anything that looks at me sideways."

"Courage, mon brave - follow my lead."

There was quite a crowd gathered around the locusts' quarters. One of Slope's friends greeted us. "Here are a couple more girls you can make squeal, Glenn."

Susie grabbed my hand. "This is our chance to put a few people in their place."

"Remember, we don't want to kill anybody," I whispered.

We pushed our way to the front where Rickman was threatening to put a locust in some poor girl's hair. When I saw it was Linda, I wasn't too unhappy, but Susie had other ideas. "Make him drop it, Jeffrey."

I grabbed his wrist and squeezed on the bones. "Aargh, bloody hell," he screamed.

Susie scooped up the dropped locust. "You think these are scary - I'll show you scary, you little shite."

"Please, don't lose your head - he's not worth it."

"I'm not losing my head, Jeffrey - but this is."

She pushed the locust in her mouth and bit down.

"Oh, Susie." I watched her take a couple of chomps.

"Crunchy nut."

"What have you done to Charlie!" Rickman wailed.

He tried to recover the remains, but Susie batted him away. "Over to you, Jeffrey."

She threw the twitching body to me. "You know what to do, Jeffrey, while I deal with this little sod."

"Watch the girly-boy faint," came a voice from behind me.

I'm a bit faddy about my food, but I put my faith in Susie's good taste "What has no head needs no heart," I cried. I took a bite, had a quick chew and swallowed.

I turned to face my tormentor. "I would have preferred it with a chocolate coating - how about you?"

I shoved the remnants in his mouth and held his nose. "Lucky you, you've got the bit that shits."

He gagged and vomited up his dinner. I was well out of the way - I can't afford to lose any more kit.

"Never touched me," I yelled as various bits of puke flew over one of his friends.

I heard a shriek and saw Susie send Rickman flying into his tank. Over it went - there was a chorus of yells as the room filled with flying insects.

"Time to vamoose, Jeffrey, our enemies have had a plague of locusts visited upon them."

"I'm right with you, mind you don't step in the sick."

Susie caught a terrified Linda by the arm. "Help her along, it won't do us any harm to be good Samaritans."

We emerged into the schoolyard. "Oh my God, thanks you two, I was terrified in there." She brushed the front of her hair. "Check the back, will you please, Susie."

"All clear - you're bug free."

Linda slumped against the wall. "You're a couple of unlikely rescuers."

"We know where our loyalties lie, don't we, Jeffrey?"

"It's becoming ever clearer to me where mine lie, Susie."

We walked Linda to her next class. "Thanks again," she mumbled, "I won't forget this, see you."

"We've a new friend, Jeffrey."

"And some new enemies."

"We're not going to let ourselves be intimidated by anyone." Susie's fierce look was replaced with a grin. "It couldn't have worked out better really - they won't know what to expect next."

"I hope you know what you're doing."

"Leave it to me, being unpredictable has its advantages. I know a thing or two about psychological warfare."

"That sounds less hazardous - I think we should use our brains rather than brute force. Just don't forget to keep me informed."

Susie gave a conspiratorial smile. "It's useful everyone thinks you're a super nerd with access to all that stuff in the chemistry and physics labs."

"What exactly do you mean?" I asked anxiously.

"You know: bottles marked poison and boxes with a skull and crossbones on them." She waved both hands. "Oooh scary."

I started in alarm. "Whatever you want me to do, it's out of the question."

"You don't have to do anything - the potential is enough. I've dropped a few hints and let imagination do the rest." She smirked. "It worked like a charm."

"What do you mean?"

"Slope noticed an extra white topping on his dinner after I'd been hovering round."

"Did he fall for it, Susie?"

"Well, he had a sudden loss of appetite, when he saw it frothing and me smiling."

"It was only bicarbonate of soda, wasn't it?"

"Of course, Jeffrey - and don't worry the meal wasn't wasted. The Hoover said it was an improvement when he was wolfing down all the leftovers."

"I never knew he did that - you miss a lot, not staying for dinner."

"Yes, you don't need a dustbin with someone like him around - he sucks the lot up."

"So that's how he got his nickname - I had been hoping he might latch onto Robbie."

"Sorry to dash your hopes, but there's only one kind of banana he's interested in."

"Never mind, at least you had some success with Slope."

"Too right - I'll soon have him developing paranoid tendencies."

"You can have that effect on people."

"I hope you're not having those feelings, Jeffrey."

"I did at first, but I'm way beyond that now; I've become something of a fatalist."

"Whatever, but I was proud how you followed my lead with the locust." We linked arms. "Doesn't it give you a warm feeling, our unswerving loyalty to each other?"

"I suppose it does."

"We're like Thelma and Louise," she smiled. "It's one of my favourite films - especially the ending."

"I've never seen it, but I like to picture us walking hand in hand into the sunset - is that what they do?"

"No, Jeffrey, they drive off a cliff."

"Well, I hope they were wearing their seatbelts, Susie."

It's English: what a waste of time - I'd hoped to be free of all this nonsense, but they insist on it and a general studies class as well - they want to turn out well-rounded individuals.

I shouldn't complain though, it gives me the opportunity to play footsie with Susie while old Bossom jabbers on about poetry.

"Who knows what onomatopoeia is?"

"Sounds like something an incontinent cat might suffer from," I whispered.

"Not as bad as inacupateapoeia, Jeffrey."

We both stifled a laugh, but not too successfully.

"Smith and Jones, would you like to let us in on the joke?"

"Sorry sir: you reminded us of a funny experience we once shared," Susie offered.

"An intimate one, I bet," some wit shouted out to a chorus of sniggers.

"Shut up, boy." Bossom threw his book at the offender.

He's retiring at Christmas; I think he may be demob happy.

"I'll see you two after class."

He went to recover his book and aimed a swipe at a couple of heads. He's definitely cracking up. Although I have to admit, he certainly knows how to recite poetry. I wish he'd read aloud the whole lesson.

We were treated to his rendition of Dover Beach. Not the happiest choice, you would have thought, considering my recent experiences. At the end, I had a tear in my eye - but I was comforted by Susie holding my hand.

"Come on, Jeffrey - let's get our reward."

"Here you are, Miss Jones," he handed Susie a large envelope. "It was a good deal of trouble, but everything's now in your name. Just remember, I'm expecting great things from you."

"You can rely on us, sir - we won't let the school down."

"I'm sure you won't. To tell the truth, I'm glad Slope suggested that you take his place, I'd much rather see your picture in the local paper."

I was beginning to feel alarmed - Susie's been keeping something from me.

"I'll see that I mention the support the school gave me."

"I look forward to one of our pupil's scoring an intellectual success - let's show the rugger lot how to win something."

"With Jeffrey's support, the trophy is as good as mine."

Old Bossom waved us out. "One last thing, whatever you do - don't get caught."

Susie waved the envelope under my nose. "Five hundred pounds, Jeffrey - how does that grab you?"

"What is it and what's Slope got to do with it?"

"My entry for the minor tournament at the chess congress in Shoreham this weekend - I'm taking his place."

"He's set you up - we can't pull that trick there."

"We won't have to - how do you feel about being a boy named Susie?"

"This is more of your madness. They hold it at that great big hotel, Westbourne Towers. All kinds of things go on there at weekends - it'll be heaving with people."

"Calm down, I've a cunning plan - you'll marvel as it unfolds."

"Unravels, more likely," I muttered.

"Less of the male chauvinism, Jeffrey. You're not the only one capable of a bit of crafty scheming."

"Sorry, Mr Phelps."

"This isn't Mission Impossible."

"I hope not, because something unexpected always buggers up their efforts."

"But they always overcome any little local difficulties, as I'm sure you will if anyone throws a spanner in the works."

"With my luck, it'll be a monkey-wrench and a bloody big one at that."

"We can cope, Jeffrey. Don't forget we've approval from above."

"God may be on your side, Susie, but he's certainly not on mine."

"Not God, old Bossom."

"He's losing his marbles," I said in exasperation. "Throwing a book at a pupil, that's pretty much a hanging offence. He's only three months to go - maybe he wants to spend them suspended on full pay."

"Don't be such a pessimist. Jeffrey. When I've explained everything, you can make some suggestions," Susie coaxed. She glanced along the corridor. "The coast is clear - are you skipping P.E.?"

"I certainly am."

"Me too: preparing for this takes priority. I need to do some shopping - thanks to your mum, I'm getting two bites at the cherry."

"Are you going to let me in on your master plan, Susie?"

"All in good time, Jeffrey - I'm still refining one or two details."

I shrugged - if I had my way, I'd refine it out of existence. "Where are we going?"

"The bus stop."

"I'd rather walk: why waste money on fares?"

"We are walking." Susie put her arm around my waist. "Come on, Jeffrey - what's good for the goose ..."

"I know, is good for the goose."

She laughed. "This is better than being in the gym with a bunch of half-naked boys, isn't it?"

"If you only knew - the first year, I shit myself silly every Wednesday morning."

Susie squeezed me to her and we continued into town, our hands straying occasionally.

"Here we are." 'THE BUSTOP' was a lingerie shop. "Heaven is a place on Earth, Jeffrey."

"I'm not going in there."

"Don't be silly, women's underwear doesn't scare you."

"But this isn't a big store, where we can browse anonymously, it's an intimate little shop - we'll get personal attention."

The bell jangled as she opened the door. "After you."

"They won't want boys in here."

"Come right in, I don't mind a young couple shopping together."

I stumbled in, helped by a shove from Susie. "Hey, this is a treasure trove, Jeffrey - we'll find something to suit both of us in here."

The woman who greeted us was certainly keen on perfume and makeup. Worse, from the curious look she gave me, I suspected I might be in trouble. "What can I interest you in?"

"I want a bustier to wear at a party - one that gives a bit of help."

"Let's see." After some rooting around, she placed three before me. "Which one do you like best?"

I began to suspect a prior arrangement - surely she doesn't get many sixteen year old boys as customers. "Oh, that one." I indicated the nearest and to my surprise, Susie disappeared into a changing room to try it on.

I shuffled around trying not to show much of an interest in anything. "Don't be nervous, you're among friends."

"Has Susie been here before?"

"We've all been here before, Jeffrey." She leaned over the counter and whispered. "You, of all people, must be aware of a previous incarnation - I can see a strong female aura hovering over you."

I hurriedly stepped back from under the hanging bras. I was searching for a diplomatic reply when Susie waltzed across the floor.

"What does this do for you, Jeffrey?"

"It's a bit revealing," I gulped, "will you be ... er, comfortable wearing it."

"I want my clothes to make an impression. You're not embarrassed by it, are you?"

"No, not at all - I'd just prefer it was for my eyes only."

Susie turned to the owner. "If you've another like it, I'll take them both."

The woman gave me a knowing wink, but I'm becoming blushproof. I edged towards the door. "There's something I have to pick up for mum, I'll see you outside."

I didn't go far; I was enjoying the window display, when Susie came out. "Caught you at it, Jeffrey."

"Just looking - I may be thinking about your Christmas present."

"The cute babydoll dress is nice. I could wear my black trouser suit."

I flicked nervously at my hair. "I don't know about that. There's no danger of you wanting to put on a moustache and stuffing a sock down your pants, is there?"

"None at all, Jeffrey."

"That's a weight off my mind," I confessed. "Just stick to playing Miss Bossy Boots."

"I don't know what you mean," she snorted, "come on, stop drooling over that dress, we have to get home." She grabbed me by the hand and dragged me away.

"I was only thinking - 'if things carry on as they have, Susie will have me wearing that frock to school'," I explained.

"If that's you want, Jeffrey, we can come back anytime," she smiled. "Miss Kershaw's taken quite a shine to you."

"I wish she hadn't," I groaned. "Did she offer to tell your fortune or anything? I think she may be a bit doolally."

"Just because she picked up on Denise," Susie huffed. "You see I'm not the only one with girl sensory perception."

"Have it your way. Frankly, I'm amazed to have come out of there, Jeffrey intacto. I can't believe that I've been out with you and I still have all my clothes - not to mention all my money."

"Miracles will never cease," Susie smirked.

"We'll probably need one," I groaned. "I suppose one of those tops is for me."

"You mean you hope one of those bustiers is for you - and the mini-skirt and high heels to go with it."

"Not if it's part of your half-baked scheme for this weekend. Yesterday was bad enough, but to be marooned miles from home in that sort of outfit - it doesn't bear thinking about."

She put her arm around my shoulder. "You should show more faith in me, Jeffrey."

"Where love is, there is faith, Susie."

She took my hand. "That's a lovely thought, Jeffrey."

"Well," I sighed, "if the worst does happen, I shouldn't have any difficulty in hitching a lift."

 

"He'll have his suspicions, but there's no need to worry - just swat him away, like any girl would a snoopy thirteen year old boy."

"I can't wait, Susie: it's my dream come true - a randy teenager feeling me up."

"I know, Jeffrey - and I promise you, I'll be doing that later."

 

 

 

 

Chapter 13

"Shake a leg, Jeffrey - Barnardo's awaits us."

I brightened and picked up the pace. "That's the best charity shop for second hand books, but I'm surprised a fashionista like you would buy clothes there."

"Where better to find some out of date, scruffy clobber for your next character - an introverted, chess playing, tomboy, geek girl," Susie smiled.

"That's an act I should be able to bring off without too much difficulty."

"Do as I say and you'll be totally convincing," she instructed. "You can start by projecting yourself into the role."

"No problem," I smirked, "before I met you, I fantasized of little else."

"Oh, what about those B.B.C. weather girls?"

"Yes, them too," I conceded.

"And sexy librarians."

"So, I have a weakness for intelligent, forceful women. You can't complain," I huffed, "you've certainly had some fun out of it."

"This time, there's serious money at stake - plus my reputation," she warned, "so don't go playing the silly beggar."

"I don't know what you mean," I bristled. "Yesterday I acted the skittish schoolgirl for you - tomorrow I'll be your brainy bluestocking."

"I'm sorry, Jeffrey." Susie put her arm around me. "I shouldn't be complaining about you throwing yourself totally into the part."

"I wouldn't go that far."

"Oh, there's no escaping your passion for Denise," she grinned. "It's almost as great as mine."

"We've certainly had our moments," I smiled as she squeezed my bottom, "especially some of the more intimate ones."

"I said you'd be happy dressing to please."

"I'm happy to still be in one piece, after what you've put me through this week," I contended.

Susie laughed. "You've had a tough initiation, like in that film - 'A Man Called Horse' - have you seen it?"

"No, that sounds like the stuff of nightmares," I shuddered. "You surprise me - I didn't think you were looking for that in a man."

"It's not that sort of a film," she giggled.

"It's an off-putting title anyway: men and horses aren't among my favourite things. I'm not going to seek it out - you'll have to enlighten me."

"Well," she explained, "like him, you've successfully come through a series of tests and now I have to accept you into my tribe."

"Oh come on, Susie, there was no way you would have failed me."

"True," she confessed. "I'd already marked you down to be my boy - and my girl." Susie kissed me on the cheek. "What I didn't expect though, is that we'd turn out to be such soul mates."

"Count yourself lucky, you've only had one surprise," I grumbled. "I've had a whole bloody string and I don't suppose they've ended yet."

"Worry not, I've every confidence that you'll take them all in your stride - high heeled or otherwise."

"Perhaps you're right," I mused. "After all, I've fought a beast of a dog armed with just a bicycle pump and fallen from a great height with only a skirt for a parachute."

"Don't get too cocky, Jeffrey."

"Sorry," I mocked, "I suppose old Horse kilt a baar with his bare hands."

"No, he had to endure being strung up by his pectorals."

"How did they manage that?" I puzzled.

"Shoved a pair of hooks through his chest," Susie grimaced as she demonstrated.

"Don't be so insensitive," I shivered, "Pinky and Perky might be listening. They're not to be upset - I've promised that nothing will happen to them whilst they're in my care."

Susie gave me a curious look. "It's sweet that you're so attached to them. Tell me, just out of interest, have you a pet name for your boy bits as well?"

"No, we're not on such familiar terms. I'd say that we have a more business-like relationship." I paused. "Honestly, I'm not too thrilled by their appearance - they look like a tacked on afterthought."

"More like the work of a committee of blind watchmakers than a grand designer."

"Well, if there is a grand designer, he's either got a bloody warped sense of humour or he knocked out the male reproductive system late one Friday afternoon."

"After staggering back late from a highly liquid lunch," Susie added cheerfully.

"He took the hammer to it. At best it's a dongle - in fact, it's a bit of a kludge all round. I suppose it's just one of those things you have to put up with."

"Life isn't a bowl of cherries, Jeffrey."

"If only it was, Susie."

"And on top of all that," she teased, "they're so vulnerable."

"Oh, I've never had any worries in that department," I boasted. "It's funny, my reckless unconcern for their safety gave me my one moment of respect in the sporting field."

It was Susie's turn to be baffled. "I hope you don't do some silly macho trick like hanging weights from them."

"Where do you get your ideas from?"

"That's the sort of silly thing boys do," she huffed.

"Not this one. I batted without a box."

"A box?"

"Yes, the rest of the lads couldn't shove one down their flannels fast enough. It was the same one, actually - the school's a bit short of cricket equipment."

"Ah, I get you - but that's unsanitary. You were wise to pass on that: who knows where it had been?"

"That's the whole point, Susie - I knew precisely where it had been."

"Ah - nuff said, Jeffrey."

We walked on, hand in hand. "I don't understand boy behaviour at all," I reflected. "In the fourth form, one lot's favourite pastime was karate chopping each other in the balls at every opportunity."

"That sounds a queer sort of a game."

"You may very well be right. They went around with one hand permanently clutching their groins, but there were still an awful lot of direct hits."

"They weren't discouraged."

"No, they were only too eager to risk their manhoods and go back for more."

"Just like you with me, Jeffrey."

"Oh, I don't know about that, Susie. I think you're worth the gamble."

Susie shut the door behind her and had a quick look around. "Shopping for clothes in a charity shop - the things I'm prepared to do for you, Jeffrey. Let's get away from here before anyone sees me."

"Here, I'll carry the Barnardo's bag."

I took it off her. "You're a true gentleman - being prepared to sacrifice your reputation for me. You deserve a little present."

She passed over a pink, heart-shaped, balloon with 'Sweetie-Pie' emblazoned on it.

"I'm not so sure about this, Susie. Can I hold it so it floats over your head?"

"You're the sweetie-pie, Jeffrey."

"I know, but I don't want to advertise the fact," I grumbled. "I think modesty becomes me. Besides, this sort of thing is tacky."

"Don't knock it, Miss Prissy - my summer job was working for a novelty firm. Compared to some of the stuff they turned out, that's the height of good taste."

I gave her a suspicious look. "You've kept that very quiet."

Susie raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

"I'm just surprised you've never mentioned this industrious ant side of your life before, especially when I've been on about your carefree grasshopper attitude to money - my money in particular."

"I didn't think you'd be interested in such mundane things," she explained. "I don't know why you're so sceptical, Jeffrey - I always tell you the truth."

"It may start out that way, but after your mind's applied its own unique brand of fuzzy logic to it, what finally emerges is another matter entirely."

"Well, I assure you, I didn't idle away my summer holidays like some people. What's more, I gave it my all. I was a much appreciated worker - I cheered up the whole place."

"I don't doubt it," I apologised. "Your personality lights up a room. My heart gives a little skip every time I see you."

"Well, you're not the only one; I didn't lack admirers."

"I can believe that."

Susie glanced up. "Funnily enough, I was most appreciated by those who had to inflate the helium balloons - every one of them spoke very highly of me."

I let 'Sweetie Pie' float away and stared straight ahead, but finally had to look her in the eye.

"Gotcha, Jeffrey!" Susie gloated in triumph. "See, I've learnt a trick or two from you. Come on, show your appreciation."

"Eee lass, ain't it grand to be daft," I gurned.

"I suppose that's the best I can expect. Stop mucking about and get a move on."

I hurried after her. "Look what I got in there, Susie." I flicked open the topmost book.

"All I can see are rows and rows of numbers, Jeffrey."

"I know: aren't they fantastic? Two pristine volumes of Chamber's six figure mathematical tables - I've always wanted a set." I sniffed the pages. "They've such a wonderful smell."

"Why on earth did you buy them?"

"Well, nobody else would have - they were destined for the tip. I couldn't let that happen; they're works of art. I love looking at page after page of numbers - they're so soothing. It'll be nice to do it dressed as Denise."

"Sometimes, I wonder exactly what I've taken on with you, Jeffrey. You don't read the telephone directory, do you?"

"No: too many letters and not enough numbers - the same as Countdown." I rolled my eyes. "Odd, but harmless - that's me."

"I don't know about harmless, but my plan calls for you to act and dress distinctly oddly this weekend."

"Nothing new there, then."

"Just listen and learn," Susie continued. "You won't be the only one whose look will attract notice. My outfit will be more than eye-catching so that people's attention will be focused on our outward appearance."

"You mean they won't notice our faces."

"They won't even see mine under the pink wig and behind the dark glasses. That's all they'll remember about me - plus the fact that I've been parading around in a mini-skirt and that bustier. You can rest assured, Jeffrey," she grinned, "after we do the switch, no one will be any the wiser."

"Wait a minute," I burst out, "that means I'll be strutting around like some strumpet."

"Well, if you have the urge to strut, that's your business - only be careful."

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"Why are you getting so upset? I told you back there what you'd be wearing."

"I thought you might have been joking. Besides, you just said I was going to be a chess geek."

"Wait until you've heard the whole plan, then we can talk about any little misgivings you may have."

It wasn't something I wanted to argue about in the street. "Okay, we'll leave it for later, but I'll take some convincing."

Susie smiled and pulled a heavy, fur trimmed anorak out of the Barnardo's bag, which she promptly binned. "Here you may as well try this on now."

"I'll be swamped in that."

"That's the idea - come on, get into it."

I passed over my books, shrugged on the coat and fastened the buttons.

"Pull up the hood and put these on." She handed over a pair of heavy horn rimmed specs.

I saw my reflection in a shop window. "Don't you think this outfit's too ... you know, mannish for a girl?"

"It doesn't matter, Jeffrey - a little androgyny won't hurt."

"People may take me for a sissy boy - I don't want that sort of trouble."

"You're well on the girl side," Susie reassured. "Anyhow, there's no need to worry, it's a chess congress - everybody's sex drive will be sublimated."

I tried another tack. "Look at me - I'll be mistaken for a trainspotter. Can't you find something else?"

Susie fished into her bag. "How about these granny glasses? I suppose you could wear them with a shabby mac and your hair tucked under a beret."

"Oh give me a break, please. I'm not traipsing around looking like bloody Benny Hill."

"Then we should stick to my original idea. Believe me, the anorak suits you. That fur trim makes a lovely frame for your face."

"I don't know; I'll look a total wazzock."

Susie threw up her hands. "Chess player - trainspotter - what's the difference?"

I stuck my tongue out at her. "Five hundred pounds at least - that's what you're banking on."

She entertained herself by spending it ten times over on the way home.

We'd just turned the corner into Susie's street. "Is there something you'd like to confide in me?" I murmured into her ear.

"I love you, Jeffrey."

"I love you too, Susie - that's why we should have no secrets from each other."

"My life's an open book as far as you're concerned, Jeffrey."

"Well then, tell me what else you've been up to."

"I don't know what you mean; I'm completely in the dark."

"If you'd come out from behind those sunglasses, you'd see a policeman has just come out of your gate and he's waiting on our arrival."

"Have no fear, Jeffrey - we'll be each other's alibi. Come on, don't hang back - it'll only make you look guilty."

"Just be careful what you say."

"Don't worry, it can't be anything serious - they've sent him round on a pushbike."

"Look at all that equipment he's got dangling from him and his trusty steed," I hissed as we came up to the gate. "He's a veritable Mr Bean of law enforcement."

I wasn't far wrong; he pulled out his notebook and introduced himself. "Hello, Hello, Hello - I presume one of you is a Miss Susan Jones."

"Guilty. What's up, guv - has my little brother reported me for assault?"

"We've no time for domestics," he sniffed. "I'm investigating the important case of the disappearance of a valuable pedigree dog."

"I can't help you there: I'm a cat person." She stroked the fur around my hood. "Purr for the nice gentleman, Denise."

"Not now, Susie - we mustn't waste police time. You'll have to forgive us officer," I swallowed hard, "we're just a pair of giddy girls."

"Yes, complete scatterbrains, that's us - if we can't wear it, we're not interested in it."

"Can we get on, Miss Jones. I understand you were out on a delivery round, early on Sunday morning and you left one of your magazines at the Hardiman place. That's the old farmhouse up by the sea wall."

"Yes, that was our last stop. We were glad to be finished. It's not a job for two smart girls - is it, Denise?"

He turned to me. "You were there too."

I nodded.

"That's good, two pair of eyes are better than one. Did you see the dog while you were there?"

"No, everything was locked up, so we stuck the mag in the gate and came away," Susie offered and I prayed she would keep to our story.

"There was no one else around - perhaps a car or a van parked nearby."

"Well actually," Susie put her arm around me, "it was our first time out together and we were more interested in each other." She gave me a kiss. "You know what it's like when you're in love."

He coloured slightly. "Oh, you're those sort of girls."

"What do you mean - those sort of girls?" Susie huffed. "Your careers officer told us the police force welcomed diversity. We were looking forward to being women in uniform, weren't we, Denise?"

"Well, you'll need to improve your powers of observation and not be distracted."

"It seems a lot of fuss over a missing dog; I expect it'll come home when it's hungry."

"Not if he's been stolen or dognapped. Cosseted animals like that don't just disappear - they know when they're well off."

"Perhaps he heard the call of the wild. That can happen to anyone, can't it, Denise?"

"I don't know about that, but it sounds like 'cherchez la femme' might be the best strategy."

"In this case, all the ladies came to him for servicing - that's where his value lay."

"I bet the owners are relieved to be rid of him," Susie suggested. "They'll have oodles of his sperm in the fridge - they're probably glad to see the back of the arrogant sod." She leaned forward. "Have you considered the possibility of an insurance swindle?"

"No I have not," the officer spluttered. "Alderman Hardiman's on the watch committee."

"I still think you should bear it in mind," Susie sniffed. "Dog breeding - all sorts of jiggery-pokery goes on there."

"Have you read 'Silver Blaze' - with the dog that didn't bark in the night?" I threw in. "If your theory's correct, it's strange the mutt didn't make a fuss."

"They fed it a doped steak, my girl - those gypsies are cunning."

"Ah, you're one step ahead of us," Susie declared. "You've been reading Enid Blyton."

"I don't need her or Sherlock Holmes to teach me my business - there's no place for amateurs in today's modern police force."

I sighed with relief as he mounted his bike, but Susie had to have the last word. "Do you have much trouble with dogs?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, when you're cycling along with all that paraphernalia bouncing up and down, you must be a regular dog magnet."

"I've had no trouble with them. We're trained to exhibit a calm determined air of authority - they probably sense it instinctively."

"Is that what your whistle's for, dog control?"

"No, that's official police issue - only to be blown in an emergency."

"Denise has a little whistle - she won't go anywhere without it."

"Then she's a very wise young lady; every girl should have one."

"I think one between two is okay - there's no sense in unnecessary duplication."

"As long as you stick together, that's fine. Now, I must be on my way."

"Do you take all that equipment home with you?"

"Only some of the smaller items."

"You get to play with the handcuffs, then."

"Certainly not - they aren't toys."

"Have you ever used them on anybody?"

"Not yet, but it's only a matter of time."

Susie pulled my arms behind my back. "Let's put the bracelets on Denise. Tying her up and tickling her really turns me on."

"You shouldn't be indulging in that sort behaviour," the constable choked. "Let alone be discussing it with strange men."

"Denise doesn't mind: she's a real sport - she'll bend over backwards to please."

The policeman mounted his machine and turned to me. "Frankly, my dear, I think you may have fallen into the wrong company. All I hope is that you get over the silly schoolgirl crush you seem to have on Miss Jones," he harrumphed, before disgustedly rattling off on his bike.

"Did you have to, Susie?"

"What, Jeffrey?"

"Make out we're a couple of turned on lesbian airheads."

"You started it - 'a pair of giddy girls' - I ask you."

"I only wanted to throw him off the scent; I was worried what you might say."

"Well, I followed your lead and it worked - he certainly hasn't marked us down as dog killers."

"No, but he thinks I'm a girl - and a kinky one at that. Why do you have to tell such porkies?" I moaned. "I'm not even ticklish."

"You haven't been tickled by me yet, Jeffrey."

"Don't change the subject. Some of the tales you spin could cause us a lot of bother."

"You should be grateful," she snorted. "Yet again, I've steered us out of a potentially tricky situation."

"I'm not sure about that; I don't think we were in much danger, Susie. What's the police force coming to if the newest recruits can't tell a boy from a girl?"

"You're quite a challenge, Jeffrey - and he wasn't a real policeman, he was only a community support officer."

"Are you sure? With all that gear, I thought he must be a member of the local swat team."

"He'd bought it himself. I had a good look - everything was made by the Acme novelty company."

 

Chapter 14

"But you wanted me to paint your nails," Susie chafed. "Look, it's baby pink and I've lipstick to match - your mum will be delighted."

My bed squeaked as I sat on my hands. "Only if it was part of a quiet night in - not preparation for our next little adventure," I huffed.

"I promise you won't be wearing it this weekend. Come on, it will help you to relax while we go over the details together."

"This should be enlightening," I griped, "since so far, what I know most about is how you intend to spend my winnings."

"I don't understand, Jeffrey - on our way home, you seemed quite enthusiastic about the whole thing."

"Resigned to it, more like. I was attracted by the prospect of you becoming independently wealthy - a fiancée who wouldn't put any more strain on my finances."

"If that's what's worrying you, I guarantee we'll go halvsies with the prize money."

I raised my eyebrows. "Give me some credit: the cheque will be made out to Susan Jones - it'll disappear into your bank account, never to be seen again."

"I'll invest it wisely for both of us," she beamed, "you won't be disappointed. Now, stop shilly-shallying, you can't fool me - Denise is busting to get out and about this weekend."

"Out," I sighed and let Susie take my hand, "but not about. You know I'm not keen on that. Denise is liable to make more enemies - or even worse, more friends."

She set to work. "The lesson you should have learned this week is that you're less confusing to other people as Denise than Jeffrey."

"Not everybody's an Inspector Clouseau," I protested. "And you don't help - misdirecting folk."

"Neither do you - you deliberately shun any typical boy behaviour."

"Only the sort that makes me uncomfortable - I should be appreciated as a new man," I moaned. "What's more, this has all started since I met you - nobody paid me any attention before that."

"You're not a child any longer, Jeffrey. People are becoming curious about you."

"I haven't developed as a young man yet, that's all. I'm still stuck as a boy."

"A pretty one who behaves like he wants the world to think she's a tomboy."

"Well, I'm not conscious of it," I argued. "I take hardly any interest in my appearance. Careful there, you've missed a bit."

"Sorry," Susie smiled, "I know you're something of a perfectionist."

"It's different with you - I don't mind giving Denise full rein. Actually, I don't seem to have much choice in the matter - she's itching to be your girl."

Susie grinned and released my hand with a flourish. "All done, how about that?"

I spread out my fingers. "Oh, that's scary," I gasped. "Such a trivial thing, yet it's so feminising. I'm coming over all Denise."

"Let me do your toenails - you'll be able to leave that on permanently."

"Go on, I may as well have the complete set."

Susie lifted my foot into her lap. "About tomorrow, Jeffrey."

"I know what you mean about being safer as Denise, but that would only apply if there was no chance of me being recognised and if ... er ..."

"If what?"

"If she knew how to behave," I blurted out.

"I've no complaints."

"That's the trouble - you make me act the cheeky young girl. It's fun in private, but it's foolish in a public place."

"You needn't worry: this weekend you'll be a shy, chess playing nerd. You can be Miss Prim and Proper to your heart's content."

"With you around - I don't think so. Even as a girl geek, you'll land me in bother."

Susie chose to ignore my fears. "All finished, Jeffrey."

I looked at my painted nails. "I suppose that I'll just have to get used to it - from now on, it's a life in pink for me. And there I was, thinking I was your typical girl next door."

"Take your tongue out of your cheek and put it in mine."

"I'm not going to be diverted that easily. I want to know why you have to dress so outrageously."

"I've told you: the greater the contrast the better - and a pink wig is all I've got."

"But you won't be able to wander around the hotel for two days in that getup - what will people think?"

"It's only on the Sunday and I'll blend in perfectly," she smirked. "There's something I haven't told you."

"Well, that comes as no surprise," I huffed. "What is it - are they holding a tarts and vicars dance in the ballroom?"

"No, Jeffrey - that's next week. I've already got our dog collars - yours is the leather one with a padlock."

"Very funny, but I can't see what else you could possibly be mistaken for."

"Think, Jeffrey: skimpily clad nubile young girls."

"It's a posh hotel, I'm sure they don't welcome those kind of hen parties, Susie."

"These are respectable girls - they're national treasures."

"Where's this - HumbertHumbertLand?"

"No, they couldn't be more wholesome. This Sunday I'm going to be one of Dr Who's girl assistants - there's a convention this weekend - I'll be one among hundreds."

"I don't recall any with pink hair and sunglasses and flashing their boobs."

"If anyone asks, I'll tell them she appeared in a lost episode."

"That's okay for you, but what about me - I'll end up wearing your clothes."

"Only for half an hour, tops, you can hide in a corner if you like - or spend the time on the bog."

"A lot could go wrong. You can be sure Slope will turn up and try to thwart us."

"That just adds spice to it. Why argue - you know that you're going to do it."

"I suppose so, but at the first sign of real trouble, I'm heading for home."

"Denise is made of steely stuff, Jeffrey - I know she won't let me down." Susie went over to my wardrobe. "You'll soon have more girl clothes than boy clothes."

"Well, at least there's no danger of me losing my trousers this time."

She moved on to my drawers. "Oh, what's this - have you been shopping without me?" She held up a rose embroidered bra and panties set.

"They just appeared as if by magic. If I wasn't so trusting, I'd swear you and my mother were in league."

She tossed them over. "Put them on and let me dress you up."

I hesitated. "The things I'm willing to do to please you."

"And yourself."

"Yes, it's so unfair - as if it's not enough that I'm besotted with you, I have to be infatuated with Denise as well."

Susie watched as I manoeuvred Pinky and Perky into place. "There's more to those two than meets the eye, Jeffrey."

"How many times do I have to tell you - they're pseudo-breasts. I'm just not one of your chainy-boned or athletic types. I have an over generous allotment of adipose tissue."

"More like a smallholding if you ask me."

"I show the patience of saint towards you, Susie."

She pinched my left nipple. "Does that do anything for you, Jeffrey?"

"Aaah, of course it does. You could tweak me anywhere and get a reaction."

She rolled it between her finger and thumb. "Do you like this?"

"Oh yes," I moaned. "It's a whole new sensation - do it some more."

I closed my eyes. "What are you thinking, Jeffrey?"

"You're stirring some deep-rooted, primitive feelings. It's like ... like ..."

Susie continued her manipulation. "Like what, Jeffrey?"

"Oh, this takes me back," I groaned. "The pain and the pleasure. I used to do it for hours - waggling my ... my ..."

"Waggling your what?"

"My loose baby teeth."

"Ow! That hurt, Susie."

"Sorry, Jeffrey - but your romancing can be so frustrating."

"It's not my fault," I sulked, "you encourage me."

"I was only trying to get to the bottom of things."

"Well, Perky wants you to kiss her better or she's not coming out to play again."

Susie went to work with a will. "All better now."

"You're forgiven, but Pinky's jealous."

"Just one - we've got to get on." She obliged and stepped back. "That's a very attractive set - where did your mum buy them?"

"Aldi, I expect."

"Oh."

"You're a snob, Susie Jones."

"Shut up and put on your tights."

"Yes, sir."

I pulled them on and was inspired to strike a pose for Susie's benefit. I glanced in the mirror and bang went my resolution about careless talk. "I wouldn't mind doing some underwear modelling - do you think I could pass as a junior miss?"

Susie stared hard and surprised me by asking. "Are you still eating lots of fish, Jeffrey?"

"More than ever - I'm a real cod head. You've no need to worry, the Minor's limited to 1400 ELO. The only danger is some other unrated kid like me in his first tournament."

"That wasn't what I meant."

I realised from the look on her face she was about to impart her latest dangerous wisdom. "Go on, tell me the worst."

"Chemicals in the water are causing male fish to change sex. Anything further up the food chain, like seals and humans, receives a higher dose. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"You're not going to dump me for an Eskimo, are you?"

"Be serious, Jeffrey."

"I just wish you'd stop googling. It's another scare story. Anyway, cod are supposed to be on the verge of extinction, I would have thought the more females the better. You're the biologist - it's all to do with population dynamics, isn't it?"

"I know you shouldn't be eating endangered species. You'll send them the same way as the dinosaurs."

"Don't blame me for that - it was well before my time. An expert, like you, would know when that was, wouldn't she, Susie?"

"It was a long time ago."

"You've no idea."

"Yes, I have."

"Go on then, when was it exactly?"

"It was a Tuesday," She flicked her finger. "Chalk another one up to me, Jeffrey."

"It only counts half when I'm modelling lingerie for you." I put my hands on my knees and stuck out my bum. "I'm putting my heart and soul into this."

"Tits and arse, more like."

"Don't be crude - this is an artistic pose."

"Carry on as you are and you might get stuck like that, Jeffrey."

"I don't care: I'm not giving up fish - that's where Newton got his brains."

"I don't want you emulating him - he was a cranky old bachelor."

I turned away and looked at Susie over my shoulder. "You need have no fears on that score. I decided to find some other role model when I discovered that his scientific curiosity extended to poking a bodkin in behind his eyeball."

"Aw, Jeffrey - that's gross. What happened?"

"He saw a lot of bright colours, suffered a splitting headache and had to lie in a darkened room for four days. Compared to my experiences with you, he got off pretty damn lightly for his folly."

"Jeffrey!" Susie gave me a whack on the bottom. "Here's me showing concern for you over your fish eating habits."

"Sorry, I'm just surprised you're warning me. I'd have thought my ignorance could well lead to your bliss." I tried another pose.

"Stop admiring yourself and get into this," Susie laughed and held out a skirt.

I didn't immediately step forward. "Now what's the matter?"

"This is like my first time completely voluntary - I wonder if I'm doing the right thing."

"It's just between you and me."

"I know and the thought of a nice quiet life as a girl would've had its appeal in the past, but the combination of you and the clothes has a bizarre effect on my personality. It's not at all how I imagined it."

"This is a modest little outfit - you'll feel right at home."

I stepped into the skirt and Susie pulled it up.

"I'll do the zip, Jeffrey."

"It's okay, I can manage."

"I know, but I'd like to do it for you."

Susie came around the back and slowly zipped it up. "Make the most of it - you'll be in dull old jeans tomorrow."

"I won't be complaining; Outside, I'm happy to be little Miss Anonymous."

I buttoned up the long-sleeved, scoop neck cardigan and stepped into a pair of shoes. I looked in the mirror. "Life's a complete mystery, isn't it, Susie?"

"It has to be that way, Jeffrey."

"I know, but a few clues on how to handle the common everyday stuff wouldn't come amiss."

Susie busied herself with my make-up. "Don't you want to learn to do this?"

"Not really: I like you fussing around me."

"I won't overdo it - I want you to make the right impression on mum."

I leapt back in alarm. "I really don't want Denise to meet your mother, Susie."

"Don't be silly, she's already met dad."

"I can hardly believe that happened. I think I really was in shock after that ladder escapade. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I still was."

"Have you been dreaming about falling, Jeffrey."

"No, I haven't - and one thing I definitely don't want to hear is your interpretation of my dreams."

"Suit yourself." Susie began brushing my hair. "Now, I've explained to mum and dad how you're having a confusing puberty and find it hard to make friends."

"Did you have to?"

"Yes: I told them I've taken you under my wing."

"Don't you think it would be simpler to say you've found a boyfriend who's daft enough to indulge your little quirk?"

"Dad's seen you as Denise and there's no way he'll believe it's a simple case of dress-up. Besides, there's no harm in my parents thinking I'm a caring person who's selflessly assisting a poor little lamb who's lost his way."

"Oh Susie, - this is too much - now I've a Sister of Mercy for a girlfriend."

"Rubbish, it's just that every little helps in my quest for wheels."

"I hope this isn't going to be a rerun of cousin Carol and her horse - where once you get your precious car, I get ditched."

"There's no chance of that."

"With your driving, I wouldn't be so sure."

"I don't know how you can talk like that when I'm doing my best for you," Susie huffed. "The least you can do is cooperate."

"It'll be awkward for me," I moaned.

"You've no need to worry, mum's very understanding - she has to be to put up with dad."

"I'd rather not put her to the test."

"She'll be hurt if you avoid her." Susie put down the brush. "She's looking forward to sorting out your hair."

"You mean she really was a hairdresser - you weren't joking."

"Why would I joke about a thing like that?"

"No reason: I'm having a bit of difficulty knowing exactly what to believe at the moment."

"Well, believe this - you're going to meet the Joneses."

 

Chapter 15

Susie helped me down off the fence into her garden.

"One more thing, Jeffrey - as far as Mikey is concerned, you're Denise and you're a girl. Mum and dad don't want him befuddled."

"Wait a minute, this is something else you're springing on me. I'm not prepared for this."

"Yes, you are. You look ever so cute. The worst that can happen is that Mikey gets a case of puppy love."

"Now you are joking."

"No, it's the most natural thing in the world. Little brother moons over big sister's girlfriend. I hope you'll be sensitive to his feelings - don't go breaking his heart."

"Never mind that, what about me? Kids can be so cruel, as you well know. Don't forget, he's seen my picture."

"Only fully photoshopped as Denise - and the fact that dad is welcoming you with open arms has thrown him. He'll have his suspicions, but there's no need to worry - just swat him away, like any girl would a snoopy thirteen year old boy."

"I can't wait, Susie: it's my dream come true - a randy teenager feeling me up."

"I know, Jeffrey - and I promise you, I'll be doing that later."

"If your brother's anything like you ..."

"Don't worry, he has to tread carefully at the moment - he's replaced me in the doghouse. He's squandering his expensive, private education which plays right into my hands," Susie smiled. "A little bit of parental guilt is a wonderful thing."

"You don't mind him being favoured."

"No, my granddad's paying. If I play my cards right, I could be chauffeuring you around in a very nice car next year."

"Make sure you get someone to fork out for the insurance as well. Triple X-rated cover if you can manage it."

"I've never heard of that."

"I just made it up."

"Get in here." Susie swung open the back door.

"Just a trim, Denise."

Mrs Jones and I were getting on famously. She's a kind woman, but Susie must have told her one hell a story. I'm playing my part too - it's easier than I thought.

"That'll be fine. I don't want to upset my regular barber - he's almost ninety."

"I don't like to criticise, but you've let things get out of control."

"I'm know, but the further I can keep his scissors from my ears the better. He's already had one nasty accident with a customer - it was quite upsetting to witness."

"Oh dear, how frightful for you. Was there a lot of blood?"

"Oodles - and sifting through all that hair looking for the missing earlobe was no picnic. What happened to it is a mystery to this day."

"But, it couldn't just have disappeared."

"I have my own theory, but I thought it best not to mention it."

"Go on, you have to tell me now."

"Well, ever since, the shop cat has sat under that chair with its mouth wide open and licking its lips - draw your own conclusions."

"Don't believe a word of it, mum - Denise is having one of her flights of fancy. It's a little quirk of hers."

"Well, you should know all about such things - some of the tales you've told dad and me. And the things you haven't told us - like what exactly you'll be getting up to this weekend."

"We're on a mission for the school - everything's above board. Denise will make you proud of me."

"Is that why you want her hair cut like yours?"

"It won't hurt, but it needed something doing to it anyway."

"Are you going to be okay at school with your hair like Susie's?"

"That's the least of my worries. The fact that I've suddenly become Susie's boyfriend and we wander around like a couple of lovebirds has caused quite a stir."

"Plus," Susie added, "Jeffrey is the uber science nerd in the school. I have to admit there's a prejudice to see those types as inherently male."

"Well, Halloween's certainly going to put that little theory to the test," I sighed. "It seems Denise is going to have to put in an appearance and compared to that a girly haircut is no big deal."

Mrs Jones put down her scissors. "I can understand what you mean, dear. Perhaps you should think about a skeleton costume."

"Once the rest of the boys find out Jeffrey's responsible for them losing the bet, they'll demand he shares their fate."

"I think Jeffrey has enough on his plate without any additional traumas, Susie. You really should try to get him out of it."

"I'd rather she didn't, Mrs Jones: Susie's plans can have unintended consequences. The fact is I'm resigned to my fate. As a result of the events of the last week, I've developed an air of Olympian detachment over the whole business."

"In the words of Wittgenstein - 'Que sera, sera' - eh, Denise."

"Don't be flippant, Susie - this is a serious matter. You might find it amusing, but it must worry Denise."

"It's okay, Mrs Jones. It's complicated and I don't understand it all, but I do know Susie's on my side."

"Come here you two." Mrs Jones hugged us both. "You've a big responsibility, Susie - see that you take good care of Denise."

"I will, mum - I will."

"So this is what a teenage girl's room looks like."

"Do you like it, Denise?"

"I have to be honest, Susie - there's no way I would swap this with my room or even with my shed, for that matter. I guess I must be a peculiar mixture."

"It'd be no fun if we were identical twins, Jeffrey."

"Oh, don't be too hasty, Susie - ever since the hairstyling, I've been having a lesbian sisters fantasy."

"Aw, you've spoiled my surprise, Denise."

"What if I close my eyes and let you creep up on me?"

We were interrupted by a pounding on the stairs. "Oh bugger, we'll have to put this on hold - it's little brother time."

Mikey burst into the room. "Mum says I have to be nice to someone called Denise, but you can't fool me. Where is he, Susie?"

"If you mean Jeffrey, he's at home. This is Denise - you have her to thank for your new bike."

I braced myself for his interrogation. If what Susie had told me was true, he might not be totally unsympathetic. But then again, he was a teenager now and he looked like he had an excess of hormones.

"You're not having it back." Mikey gave me a sly look. "Do you know Jeffrey?"

"Of course I do - he's Susie's boyfriend."

"Do you fancy him?"

"I've known him all my life; we're like brother and sister."

"Was that Denise's picture or Jeffrey's I swiped off you, Susie?"

"It could have been either, or both: I was practicing morphing on all my friends."

Mikey helped himself to a banana. "I have to keep my strength up - I've had a growth spurt. You know what I mean, Denise."

"I'd rather not speculate."

"It's bloody amazing. You'd have thought thirteen years of Susie would have put me off girls for life, but I'm even beginning to appreciate her."

"I think we should forget the past and live and let live, don't you? Mum and dad want Denise to be happy coming round here."

"Are you any good at maths, Denise? I could use some help with my homework - Susie's bloody useless."

"Go and get it and she'll do it for you."

Mikey vanished out of the door. "He must know, Susie."

"What if he does? He's intrigued and as long as he's getting something out of it, he'll play along."

Mikey arrived back. "You write out the answers and I'll copy them later."

"Don't you want me to explain?"

"No, just get on with it."

"Okay," I sighed.

"I'll sit next to you and watch."

Mikey was as good as his word, but paid me more close attention than the figures. "Denise has nice small hands, Susie," he grinned. "Are they her own?"

"Give the cheeky sod a smack, Denise."

"She won't do that - she's not a girl like you." He slipped his hand over mine. "It's warm, Susie - perhaps I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Are you going to be nice to me, Denise?"

"Behave yourself and you'll be surprised how nice both of us will be to you, Mikey."

"Is that a promise?"

"Yes: now be a good little brother and hop it - we want to try on some clothes for tomorrow."

"Can I watch? There are hardly any girls at school. It can't be good for me," he whinged. "Just take your top off, Denise - I promise I won't touch." He plonked himself on the bed. "I'm not going until you do."

"Okay," Susie agreed to my alarm, "but if she does and gives you a good look, there'll be no more Jeffrey nonsense."

"I only want to know one way or the other."

"Go on, Denise - give baby brother a thrill."

"I don't think I should - what if your parents find out?"

"I'm not going to tell them I've ogled a boy in a bra."

"Come on, a few seconds embarrassment now and we'll have some peace in the future."

"Yes, I swear I'll keep your secret - go on," Mikey urged.

"All right," I shrugged, "but keep your distance." I took off my top. "There, I hope you're satisfied."

"Bloody hell," he gulped. "They're bloody real."

I gazed down. They even fool me - perhaps Susie's right - there is more to them.

"I touched one." Mikey's hand brushed across Perky. "I've fondled a girl's breast. Just wait till Monday at school, that sod Wainwright's been banging on about feeling his sister's tits and she's a right bloody cow."

He evaded Susie and dashed out of the door. "Never mind Monday, I'm going to email him now."

She came over and kissed Pinky. "I hope you appreciate what a great pair of assets you've got there, Denise."

She had turned her attention to Perky when Mikey burst in with his camera. "Wait till the guys at school see this."

"Grab him, Denise."

"Don't come near me, or I'll shout for mum."

Susie slammed the door and cut off his retreat. "You're not getting out of here with that picture."

Mikey sat on the bed. "We can do a deal - give me what I came for and you can delete it."

"What's that, pest?"

"A picture of me with Denise."

"How about we buy it back," I offered.

"Not interested - all I want is a nice photo - nothing saucy."

"Okay, give me the camera and I'll take it."

"I'm trusting you, Susie - rat on me and I'll make your lives a misery."

"We give you our word, don't we, Denise?"

"I suppose so, but it had better be a picture you can show your parents."

He handed over the camera and I pulled my cardigan back on.

We stood with our arms round each other. "Hurry up, Susie, before his hand creeps any higher."

She clicked away and I unwound myself from Mikey. "Right, are you satisfied?"

He gave a huge grin. "Wait till the boys at school see this. None of them has such a gorgeous girlfriend."

"You can't tell them that - you're way too young for me."

"No I'm not. But anyway," he leered, "letting them know I have an older woman lusting after me is just what I need."

"Mikey, don't you go spreading any wild stories," Susie warned. "You'll land us all in bother."

"I won't," he whined. "But I'm going to get back at those wankers in the computer lab. They taped the underneath of my mouse and I fell for it - I looked a right bloody idiot."

"I bet Denise can help you there." Susie turned to me. "Go on, it won't hurt to have the little bugger in our debt."

"I know a simple trick you might like to try."

"I'll have to see it first - silly girly stuff is no good to me."

"Give me two minutes with your computer and then see if you can figure it out."

Susie was on her way. "Follow me, Denise - and brace yourself for your first sight of a teenage boy's room."

I shut the door to Mikey's room and looked around. "He's a boy with a bit of an obsession for breasts, Susie."

"It takes all sorts, Jeffrey. "

I smiled and sat down at the computer. "This is ideal, a nice cluttered desktop. Watch very carefully - I shall do this only once."

I pressed Print Scrn and pasted and saved it in Paint. "Now you right click on the desktop and untick 'Show Desktop Icons'. Then make sure the taskbar isn't locked, click along the top and drag down to make it disappear."

"I don't think that will fool him."

"Watch this." I selected 'Set As Background' and closed Paint. His desktop icons and taskbar had reappeared. "He can click away to his heart's content and nothing will happen."

Mikey came in carrying Susie's mouse and the first thing he did was swap it over. "I won't be fooled that easily."

A couple of restarts later he was still stuck on his desktop.

"Give up?"

"Yes, show me - it'd better not be too complicated."

"Got it now?"

"Yeah, leave me to it - a few more practices and I'll have it off pat."

I made for the door. "We'll leave you to it, then."

"You're quite a girl, Denise."

"I told you she was, Mikey." Susie called over her shoulder.

I was relieved to get back to her room.

"That's mum and Mikey in our pockets," Susie smiled gleefully. "Thanks, Jeffrey - you really made an effort to be winning as Denise, didn't you,?"

"It's weird," I confessed, "she doesn't actually exist, but I don't want to do anything that might make her seem mean or petty."

"You're not like that, Jeffrey."

"Wait until we're married - you're in for a shock."

"Here take that nail polish off while I sort out your stuff for tomorrow," Susie snorted.

She tossed the anorak, an old pair of her jeans, a tee shirt and some trainers on the bed. "Get that lot on."

"I'm going to look pretty peculiar playing in this outfit - especially with the hood up and those glasses."

"You're a girl chess player - you've a right to be peculiar."

"I think you may be showing a touch of male chauvinism, Susie."

"Well, some things are a bit of a mystery to me, like boys are to you."

"At least, I understand Mikey pretty well. Do you know he had his hand on my knee while I was doing his homework?"

"You should have brushed it off."

"I was waiting for you to say something and when you didn't, I thought I'd better not make a fuss. I'm sorry if I did wrong."

"It's okay, there's no harm done and you carried it off with dignity, but in future," she warned, "the knees of Denise should be a no-go area. Except for a certain person who has administrative privileges."

"You have to make allowances for me, Susie - I'm only learning the game."

"Me too, Jeffrey."

I let myself in and found mum in the kitchen. "Oh, Jeffrey - what's happened to you this time?"

"Nothing: it's a little try-out for tomorrow."

"Are you sure you aren't trying to tell me something?"

"No, it's part of a little scheme we have planned for the weekend. It's all above board, we're doing it for the school."

"I wish you'd come straight out with things, instead of making me guess. You look like you're auditioning to be a convent girl. God, Jeffrey - you don't want to become a nun, do you?"

"Of course not - you know that I'm going to marry Susie."

"That's all right, just so long as you don't elope - there's to be no more ladder climbing under any circumstances."

"My feet will be firmly on the ground. Well, as much as they ever are when I'm with Susie."

"Don't go shifting the blame, Jeffrey. It's a habit you must get out off."

I thought I should prepare the ground in case things didn't go entirely to plan. "Perhaps I should warn you, I might come home as Denise plus on Sunday."

"Denise plus?"

"I might be showing my assets and wearing a pink wig."

Mum laughed before becoming serious "We should talk more about your assets."

"I've googled them. They're most likely only excess fat. Anyway, whatever career I take up, it won't involve going topless - so I'd rather let nature take its course."

"Don't you want to be a boy, Jeffrey?"

"Not your regular, one hundred percent boy and not 24/7," I admitted. "I'm just not equipped for that."

Mum hugged me to her. "I'm happy to have you behaving normally again, however you're dressed, but it can be a little confusing at times."

"For me too - dressing up as Denise for Susie brings out the boy in Jeffrey."

 

Chapter 16

"I must have been mad agreeing to this, Jeffrey."

"Stop complaining, Susie - you know how much I like it. Sometimes, I enjoy being a boy. Keep it up," I urged. "The more you do it, the easier it gets."

"Maybe so, but this is quite a lick- you're wearing me out."

"It's all a question of technique - you need to improve your footwork."

"My footwork," she spluttered, "what the hell has that to do with it?"

"Get it right and you'll be surprised at the difference it makes. At the bottom of the stroke, make like you're wiping a dog turd of your shoe."

"What a thought to put in my head. Remind me never to ask you to talk dirty."

"Just give it a try, you'll be surprised at the results."

"I wouldn't do this for anyone else - here goes."

Susie applied herself and we speeded up. "See what I mean, we've slipped into a nice rhythm."

"That's all very well for you, but now my calves are aching."

"Never mind, get your head down and carry on pumping away."

Susie puffed out her cheeks. "Hell, Jeffrey, if I'd had my way, we'd be riding in that tram - not bloody racing it."

"Come on, Westbourne Towers is up ahead - one last effort and we'll have the satisfaction of beating them there."

The tram slowed for a coming stop and we pulled away. Susie gave the driver and passengers the finger.

"I think that was uncalled for."

"No it wasn't, they've been pulling faces at me since the last set of lights."

"You're too touchy - watch yourself from now on- that's just the sort of thing to get us in trouble tomorrow."

We swept up the drive to the hotel. "Gee, Jeffrey - it's a bloody big castle. This is great: I'll be able to amuse myself wandering around on Sunday dodging daleks and confounding cybermen."

"Can't you just sit quietly in a corner somewhere, there'll be less danger of you causing me any problems."

"You're such a worrier - all you have to do is concentrate on the games. Leave the rest to me."

"I still think you should hang around today, in case I need your support."

"You'd only be fretting about what I was getting up to. You can't expect me to kick my heels for six hours - it'd be like watching paint dry."

"Well, don't go spending our winnings before we get them. I'm glad your parents had the sense not to get you a credit card."

"I'm working on it, Jeffrey. I bet your mum would let you have one."

"You can forget that: I haven't completely lost my marbles. I've resolved to keep my hand on my hapennies from now on."

"You don't want to be near with your money - it's an unbecoming trait," Susie sniffed. "You won't hear me going on about petrol money when I'm driving us around - or insurance, or road tax and who knows what other expenses."

"I don't want to sponge off you - like I said, I'm willing to indulge any of your car fantasies, but in the garage."

"No, I want to be barrelling along the open road with my hand up your skirt - toot, toot."

"I think I'd rather you kept both hands on the wheel."

"No need, Jeffrey - I'll be steering with my feet."

We pulled up at the cycle racks. "Are you sure you want to leave your bike here?"

"Yes, I'd rather go into town on the tram."

"None of the other girls has a car, I don't know why you're bothered."

"Bikes are so juvenile."

"We are juvenile, Susie - particularly when we're together."

"Well, I'll be with the sophisticated ladies from school today - we'll be terrorising the shopping centres." Susie gave me a kiss. "Perhaps one day, Denise will be joining us. I do believe she'd enjoy a little expedition as one of the girls."

"I think even you may have trouble working that trick."

"Stranger things have happened - see you at four o'clock."

"Three wins out of three, Jeffrey."

"Yes, and I demolished the favourite in the first round. We're in line for the best game prize," I bragged. "I hope you appreciate my efforts on your behalf."

"That's an extra fifty pounds, isn't it?"

"And a trophy."

"You can keep that."

"It'll have your name on it."

"That should make it even more precious to you."

"If you knew how close it came to fouling up your plan, you wouldn't make light of it. I told you dressing like this would raise eyebrows."

"Wait until Sunday night," Susie giggled, "you'll be raising more than eyebrows."

"I must be barmy; I've already been humiliated today on your behalf," I moaned. "Old number one seed was proper miffed at being out-gunned by an unrated girl - he raised a right old stink."

"You shouldn't let male chauvinists upset you."

"That was the least of my worries. He called the controller over and I had to lower my hood and shake out my hair. I even had to unbutton my anorak."

"Chess players are a suspicious lot, Jeffrey. It must be all that planning and scheming. I think you may even suffer from a little paranoia yourself."

"Well, it's a bloody good job I do. If I hadn't had the foresight to wear a bra ..."

"Just a minute," Susie smiled, "does that mean you're wearing matching panties?"

"Of course, what kind of a girl do you think I am?"

"I was just curious - an ordinary plain set are they?"

"If you must know, they're what I had on last night. Wearing this bloody anorak, I need something to remind me to keep in character. Satisfied now?"

"It's just that there was no real need for them today."

"Well, obviously there was, otherwise I would have been in a pretty pickle. They might have suspected I was a boy."

"Pinky and Perky to the rescue yet again, eh Jeffrey. They're like your U. S. Cavalry."

"Yeah well, the advantages of being a teenage girl aren't lost on me. I whipped up my tee shirt and invited them to have a feel around in there."

Susie looked shocked. "I think you may be developing a somewhat reckless streak, Jeffrey."

"Nonsense, I knew exactly what I was doing. Two forty year old men caught giving a sixteen year old schoolgirl's boobs the once-over - I scared the living shite out of them."

We were coasting home with the sun and wind on our backs. "Bikes are a wonderful form of transport, aren't they, Susie?"

"They have their place, Jeffrey - but my heart's set on a car. I'll tell you what though; I wouldn't mind a spin on a tandem. You could pedal as fast as you like and I could pretend that I was at the wheel of a little sports job."

"I'd rather pass on that; they're expensive beasts. And besides, I haven't lost all my instincts for self-preservation."

"It was just a thought - I know how much you like us to do things together."

"Here's one for you, Susie. Why is it that with no training, you're capable of bowling along, almost indefinitely, at four-minute mile pace? After all, it's the same heart, lungs and muscles you use for running, but put you on a bike and you can outperform an Olympic athlete."

"That's easy, Jeffrey: I'm sitting down."

"You could ride out of the saddle and still do it."

Susie thought for a moment. "Well then, it's because the wheels are round."

"That's no answer."

"Alright, Mr Clever Clogs, you can show off - what's the reason?"

"I'll leave it for you to consider. It'll do your mind good to think on higher things."

"Please yourself," she sniffed. "I'll google it when I get home."

"Best of luck: I'd rather you hunted that down than spent your time prying into my little problems."

"About that, do you think cycling will do as much for my figure as it's done for yours, Jeffrey?" Susie winked.

"Well, your dad's got a big bottom, so you may have problems in that area in later life."

"You cheeky sod."

"No, I'm not. It's just that you'd be wise to follow my example and keep it in check. Then, you'll have your assets firmly under control."

Susie looked over her shoulder. "Tell me the truth, does my bum look big on this bike?"

I stood on the pedals and followed her up the inside of a line of cars at the traffic lights.

"You look fine from here: it's as pert as mine."

Thwwaaack!

"Aaargh, Susie - do something."

"What's happened - has some road hog forced you into the gutter?"

"No: some swine has swatted me across the fanny. Don't laugh," I fumed, "he had a hand like a bunch of bananas."

"It feels as good as it looks, darling."

I turned to my right and a spotty lad thrust a can of lager under my nose. "Want to join us for a party? There's plenty of room on the backseat for that bum of yours."

I ignored him and turned towards Susie.

"Come on, it's not every day you get the chance of a ride in a motor like this, with a couple of outlaws like us."

Susie at last came to the rescue. "You're making a big mistake, pizza face." She turned to me. "Should I enlighten him?"

"I was only joking about your bottom," I hissed. "I didn't realise it was such a sensitive subject."

"You should be ashamed of yourself," Susie shouted across and to my relief continued. "Denise is only fourteen and a convent girl." She turned to me. "You've never felt a hand on your backside before, have you?"

"Only Sister Susan's, but I don't suppose that counts."

"That's a horse of a different feather, Denise. If you want to be a nun, a wilful girl like you needs to be guided by a strict disciplinarian."

"I don't know about that, she's seems to take a great delight giving me a good paddling."

"You should speak out if you think she's taking illicit pleasure in it."

"I don't want to get her in any trouble, as long as she keeps on rubbing in the baby oil, I'll grin and bear it."

"I never thought of that," Susie laughed. "We'll have to put it on our list."

"You're a pair of bloody giggling lessies, get in here - we're just what you need."

"Bugger off, we've no use for sleazeballs like you."

"Here cop this, you snooty bitch."

A stream of lager cascaded down Susie's top. I was relieved to see red change to green and the car roar away before she could react.

"Come on, Jeffrey - we'll catch them at the next set of traffic lights."

"What's the point, Susie?" I called out after her.

"The point is my bottle's half full of orange juice from the summer - it should make a nice sticky mess."

"I know I lack your psychological expertise, but they struck me as the kind of lads that may not be over fussy about hitting a girl."

"Stop quibbling: you know the importance I attach to standing up for oneself."

I drew up alongside. "Okay, but after you've had your revenge, keep going, jump the lights and turn left. We'll take the promenade cycle path."

"Good thinking, Jeffrey - best we don't have a feud with them all the way home. A car versus bikes isn't a fair contest."

"I'm going to get a chain full of sand and I've just cleaned it," I moaned. "The things I do for you."

"There they are." Susie handed me her bottle. "Here take the top off for me."

"Would you like me to do the deed as well?"

"No, I want to be sure of a direct hit - pass it back. This calls for the steady hand of someone who can remain cool in a crisis."

"That's fine. I just thought you might want to take advantage of my superior bike handling skills."

"What I will do," she snorted, "is take advantage of your superior bottom wiggling talents. Ride past first and get him to stick his head out of the window, so that I can dump it down the back of his neck."

"Okay," I sighed "but no hanging around - get the job done and then let's be out of there."

I slowly rode past our assailant's open window. "You're back for more, darling. That big sister of yours is a real sourpuss, I bet she lets you have no fun at all."

He leaned over and made a grab for my bum.

"Aaaawwwrr." There was a nasty crack as his head jerked back and hit the door.

I turned back to see Susie throw the empty bottle through the window before she veered into the side of the car and raked her pedal along the paintwork.

"Oh, watch out, Susie."

She bounced off, narrowly missing my back wheel. "That was an unexpected bonus," she gloated.

"Never mind that, come on follow me."

We whizzed down towards the sea. "Ease up," Susie gasped, "we're safe now - it's maintenance and emergency vehicles only from here on."

I looked back at the car hurtling after us. "Keep pedalling, I don't think we should put our trust in technicalities. The highway code isn't uppermost in car thieves minds."

"The class of person you attract, Jeffrey."

"You said it, Susie. It's the bane of my life." We swung onto the lower walk. "We're in luck, there are plenty of folk about, that should slow them down."

"The trouble you land us in," she panted. "You're lucky I put it down to a certain naivete on your part."

"Save your breath, we'll sort out the blame later." A horn blared out behind us. "They're scattering people left, right and centre - if they keep that up, someone will surely call the police."

"I'm being got at, Jeffrey." Susie looked down. "Oh God, there's a mini hearth rug snapping away at my back wheel."

"Come here, Rags. Don't worry, dear - he won't bite. He's fascinated by the hum of the spokes."

"Do something, Jeffrey - he's going to have me off."

I snatched out my pump and hurled it over my shoulder. "Go fetch it, Rags."

"There he goes, the little bugger," Susie cried. "You've done it again, saved me from another ravening beast."

Thwuuummmp. "Oh, Rags - my darling puppy."

"Was that what I think it was?"

"And more so, Jeffrey. Don't look back - the dog hit the radiator and flew over the bonnet."

"You don't mean."

"I'm afraid so - the Shih Tzu's well and truly hit the fan."

"That should mean a few points on his licence. You can't go around killing dogs with impunity."

"Keep going - they haven't even slowed down. I think the law may turn up too late to save us."

"Oh hell, would you believe it - the walk way's fenced off up ahead. What a time to be doing repairs."

"I thought the coastguard was supposed to be the fourth emergency service - where are they when you need them?"

"Follow me and don't look down to your left."

I jumped off and lifted my bike up onto the sea wall.

"Are you sure about this, Jeffrey?"

"There's no danger - it's over a metre wide - kids are always at it. Every time one falls off, they report it in the local paper."

We set off to the wail of a police siren sounding in the distance. There was a screeching of brakes and the slamming of doors behind us.

"This is hairy, Jeffrey."

"We're on firm foundations, Susie. It's not as if it's swaying or anything. In fact, it's a better ride than the cycle path - no sand to send you skidding sideways."

"Oh Jeffrey, I can hear the pounding of not so tiny feet behind me, we're still being pursued."

"It's okay, we'll soon be back on cycle path, get ready to pull up."

I came to a halt, lay the bike under me and scrambled down. Susie jumped into my arms. "They haven't given up the chase, Jeffrey and there's a couple of policemen behind them."

"They're the quarry now. Their little joyride has come to an untimely end."

We remounted and set off. A police van emerged from the exit ahead. "Assume an air of angelic innocent," Susie ordered, as we came up to it.

"It's my default mode."

We freewheeled down the ramp. "You don't think we're missing out on a reward. I mean we have been instrumental in the safe return of a stolen car."

"With a dirty big scratch along the side."

"That's better than it being burnt out - the owner might want to show his gratitude."

"I think our part in the affair is best forgotten. We shouldn't have got involved."

"I've no regrets, Jeffrey. They deserved to get their comeuppance - bit of a shame you had to dispatch another pedigree dog in the process though."

"Don't be too upset - this time it was only a pound shop pump."

"You know what they say about things happening in threes."

"I've told you before, I've no time for silly superstitions."

"I respect that, Jeffrey. Only don't go near any K-9s with a bicycle pump tomorrow."

"Never mind about me - it may be a good idea if you count up to ten before engaging us in any more rash reprisals."

"In future, you'll be turning the other cheek, will you?"

"No, I won't. I was sorely provoked, but we shouldn't have escalated matters. You don't realise what a strain it is having a double identity."

"Yes, perhaps it would have been better to have told them the truth about you from the start."

"Are you mad, Susie? I haven't your people skills, but I know pointing out that kind of an error to those sort of lads is unlikely to bring forth virtue."

"Calm down, Jeffrey - I was only joking. I would never betray Denise."

"I know, but that doesn't stop you landing me in trouble," I groaned. "What I can't understand is why boys think my bottom's fair game - your bum's just as attractive, but you don't have that kind of trouble."

"I command respect and I radiate an air of female virtue. Don't gawp, Jeffrey - you're privileged to see another side of me."

"Sorry, Susie - but there must be more to it than that."

"Well, I don't wear figure hugging cycling slacks."

"These are an old pair of old jogging pants. They may be a wee bit on the tight side," I conceded, "but that's for safety reasons only - I don't want them flapping around. I'm riding a bike not dancing the bloody hornpipe."

"Don't get so excited, Jeffrey. You should learn from the experience."

"I have: I'll be keeping my bum firmly in the saddle from now on. There'll be no more throwing it about from side to side for your benefit."

"I knew you were doing that deliberately. Don't blame me if you land yourself in trouble tomorrow."

"When I get your outfit on, I'll be exercising supreme self-control - so don't you go provoking me. Show some restraint."

"Yes, Jeffrey."

"And another thing, whatever you do, don't mention cycling along the top of the sea wall to my mum - she'll go spare. She hasn't got over the ladder escapade yet - I'm having to come downstairs with both hands on the banister."

 

Chapter 17

"You look like jail bait, Susie."

"I'm a Doctor Who assistant, Jeffrey."

"Yeah well," I huffed. "The thing is - I don't see why I have to take your place - I could just disappear and wait for you outside."

"What if I need your help?"

"It's only a small cup, you'll have no trouble with it."

"I mean in case of unforeseen eventualities. What if Slope tries to interfere - you'd want to be there to protect me, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, but not dressed like you are now - I can't go flaunting myself around someone like that."

"Well we're going to have to swap over in the toilets, so you'll have to come out dressed as a girl. This way, no one will ever suspect you're Jeffrey."

"It just seems over-elaborate - there must be a simpler way."

"Are you wearing your bustier under there?"

"Yes."

"Then why are you arguing?"

"I'm not - I'm just making a point."

"Which is?"

"I don't know exactly."

Susie put her hands on her hips. "You don't think Denise is this kind of a girl."

"Well, I'd rather mum didn't see me dressed that way - which judging by the way things have gone in the past seems a distinct possibility."

"I promise we'll swap back right after the prize giving."

"Yeah, well just remember that. It's one thing displaying a sweet feminine side to mum, but the wilder stuff I'd like to keep strictly between you and me."

"Agreed," Susie grinned. "Now is there anything else?"

"First chance we get, I'd like a picture of the two of us dressed as you are now."

"This is an easier way of chasing a tram, isn't it, Jeffrey?"

I shook my head at Susie. We were in the backseat of mum's car. I hoped she'd catch a glimpse of us having a snog. It wouldn't do any harm to show off a bit of boy behaviour.

"I don't like the sound of that," mum complained. "You should keep your distance - they're lumbering beasts."

"We were only pacing ourselves; we weren't playing tig with them."

"I worry about you on that bike. Coming in all sweaty, you must be racing around on it."

"I'll be looking out for him, Mrs Smith. Four wheels good, two wheels bad - that's what I keep telling Jeffrey."

"Well, I'm glad to be giving you a ride, especially in those outfits. Are you sure they'll let you in Westbourne Towers? Jeffrey appears to be a particularly scruffy trainspotter and you, Susie - I rather not say what you look like."

I mouthed a silent 'I told you so'.

"I'm supposed to be Doctor Who's glamorous girl companion - that's all."

"I think you may have overdone the glamour."

"Perhaps you're right, but it's easy to get carried away with the thrill of it all, isn't it, Jeffrey?"

"I'll be concentrating on the chess: that'll be the only kind of thrill occupying my mind."

"You keep an eye out for Susie as well, from what I've heard some of these fans can border on the obsessive."

"Yeah, once those daleks get an eyeful of her, Susie will have to be up and down stairs like a blue arsed fly."

"Jeffrey!"

"Sorry."

Mum dropped us at the entrance. "Take care, I'll pick you up at five."

"You'll need a removal van - the number of trophies Jeffrey's going to win."

We were greeted by a woman with a clipboard. "Are you two going in for the Doctor Who costume contest?"

I seized my chance. "No, I'm here for the chess and my little sister pestered me into bringing her along." I ruffled Susie's wig. "Denise here loves to play dress-up, but she tends to overdo it."

"You look very nice, dear - are you meant to be Peri?"

"I've gone for a general look; I'm not any one in particular."

"Yes, perhaps you are a little on the underdeveloped side for Peri."

"She's only fourteen - plenty of time for that yet."

"Of course there is - ones that big wouldn't suit her, anyway."

"Isn't that what I told you, Denise?"

"Well, at least I'm happy to show them off for my boyfriend," Susie pouted, "unlike some girls I know."

"Your sister's a sensible girl; I expect she's saving herself for one special boy - isn't that right, my dear?"

"I'm not into boys - the only words I have for them are 'check' and 'mate'. I'm married to my chess."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, dear."

"It's okay, I'm just a little tense. I'm worried what Denise will be getting up to while I'm away."

"She'll be fine, I'll keep an eye out for her."

"Did you hear that, Denise?" I patted her on the bottom. "Run along now and behave yourself."

"Okay Susie," she looked at me over her sunglasses. "You concentrate on winning your games, I promise to do nothing that will embarrass you." She gave me a wink. "I only hope Jeffrey doesn't get too turned on by this outfit - it's funny the sort of thing some boys like."

I met Susie outside the playing hall. "Another one bites the dust, Jeffrey."

"You can say that again - it's sweltering in there. The central heating's gone haywire and it doesn't help that I'm dressed like Nanook of the north."

"Flap it around and get the air circulating underneath - like the Arabs."

"It's like a sauna," I panted. "Do I have to keep the hood up?"

"Better safe than sorry. Anyhow your brain probably works better at a higher temperature."

"Some of us don't need to be at fever pitch to hatch a cunning plan. Here, you'd better have this." I passed across the tee shirt. "I had to take it off."

"I won't be hearing any complaints about drafts up the bottom when you get into this mini-skirt, then."

"Another couple of hours sweltering in this lot and I'll be begging to parade around half naked in that gear," I grimaced. "I only hope you haven't attracted any unwanted admirers."

"Daleks seem to think I'm fair game. You'll have to watch out, Jeffrey, it's quite a shock when someone thrusts a sink plunger up your skirt for the first time."

"You didn't react too violently, did you?"

"No, I entered into the spirit of things; we had a game of dalek bowls."

"There's no other causes for concern."

"Cybermen are a different can of worms - they have their hands free. Being Doctor Who's female companion is no job for a faintheart, let me tell you, Jeffrey."

"It's your own fault, Susie. I warned you about that outfit."

"It's normal clubbing gear."

"Well, I agree with my mum, going around dressed like that is asking for trouble."

"It's too late to back out now."

"I know, I know. It's just such a shame that a fairly pleasant weekend has to end in such a fashion."

"Don't knock it, until you've tried it, Jeffrey. Dodging daleks can be fun."

"I'm more worried about evading Slope - I've seen him hanging around. He's out to get us."

"You'll be safe at the board, as soon as you finish make straight for the toilets. Once you get into this clobber, you can shake your booty under Slope's nose and he'll be none the wiser."

"I'll have to take your word for that," I sighed. "Now give me a few wafts before I re-enter the furnace."

Susie waved her hands in front of my face. "Do you want something to drink?"

"No thanks: I don't want to have to take a toilet break. I'm up against a twelve year old wunderkind in the last round; I can't afford any distractions."

"You can beat him, Jeffrey. Remember the honour of the school is at stake - and my five hundred pounds."

"I'd better be on my way. Who would have thought one of the dangers of playing chess was heat exhaustion."

An hour later, we had a tense position. I was feeling very uncomfortable. I could sense my opponent staring intently at me while I was thinking. I moved and he focused his eyes back on the board. Sugar it, I threw back the hood and undid a few buttons. I fanned some air onto my chest, took off the bloody glasses and shook my hair out.

"Golly jeepers!"

I looked up and calculated now was the time for a few more off the board moves. I showed no mercy. I licked my lips and caressed Pinky and Perky.

"Oh, you're so beautiful, Miss Jones."

I had caught him in mid move and the queen dropped from his hand one square short of where he intended. I whipped it off immediately.

He blinked and held out his hand in resignation. "Will you sign my score sheet - 'With love to Tristan'?"

"You're a very gracious loser." I leaned forward and let my coat fall back - he deserved a consolation prize.

Susie waved me over to her cubicle. This time I checked for a nosy attendant before crossing the floor.

She pulled me in and locked the door. "Well done, Jeffrey, I knew you could do it." She kissed me full on the lips. "Your early finish gives us plenty of time."

"I don't know about that; Slope's following me. The sooner I'm out of these clothes, the better." I started to undress.

"I thought you said the wunderkind would be your hardest opponent."

"He undoubtedly was, but I think he may have a thing about older women who wear glasses."

"Does that mean you used your feminine charms to take advantage of the poor innocent boy?"

"It wasn't my fault - I was hardly dressed to kill."

We stood there in our matching bustiers. "You must have hinted at what lay underneath."

My boobs jiggled as I wriggled into Susie's mini-skirt. "If I did, it was an accident," I protested. I pulled up the zip and did a bit of bottom smoothing. "I'll have to watch myself, Susie - I'm already having tight skirt fantasies."

She grinned and stepped into my pants. " Just like now, you knew exactly what you were doing."

"What if I did? He should be grateful that I taught him an important lesson - chess and sex don't mix. Anyway, he's your problem now - he'll probably follow you around like a lost puppy."

Susie pulled on the tee shirt. "It was lucky you had the foresight to remove this."

"The thought never entered my head," I smiled and stepped into her open-toed stilettos. "Do up the ankle straps for me, would you? I don't trust myself to bend over."

"It's my pleasure, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie."

She did a bit of toe tickling before she got around to fixing our make-up. Hers came off and mine went on. "It'll be fun when you do this yourself."

I blew her a kiss and fluttered my eyelashes. "I'm sorry," I laughed. "I can't help myself."

"Here, Denise." The hoop earrings and pink wig completed our swap.

She held up a mirror. "I must be mad agreeing to walk around looking like this - I'm bound to get into bother."

Susie cleared her throat. "I have a confession to make, Jeffrey. You already have a problem as Denise, but not as big a one as you'd have as Susie."

"You haven't got me a date with a dalek or a cyberman have you?"

"Not as such, Jeffrey. I've been working on your behalf - there's good news and bad news."

"Let's hear the good first," I frowned.

"You're right: Slope is out for revenge and he has his mates lurking in the background. He has plans for you."

I slumped on the seat. "This is good news," I groaned. "What exactly are they going to do?"

"Drag you into the men's bog and superglue your willie to a toilet seat."

I blanched. "I don't like the sound of that, it would be painful in the extreme - and highly embarrassing."

"The more so, if in the struggle the glue got onto Slope's hand."

"Shut up, it doesn't bear thinking about. I don't know why he pursues this vendetta. I put up with a lot from him when we were kids, you'd think he'd have a conscience about it." I sighed. "Take note, Susie - he that does you an ill turn, will never forgive you."

"You have busted his nose twice, Jeffrey."

"I'm blameless. The first time was a childhood accident and the second I was defending your honour. Look at me, Susie - why would anyone have it in for such an inoffensive little chap?"

"Some people are happy shooting Bambi."

"You don't think it's anything to do with me personally, then."

"I wouldn't go as far as that, Jeffrey. You know what they say - you always hurt the one you love."

"Hey, hold on a minute, Susie - you don't mean ..."

"Well, as a keen student of human nature in all its bizarre manifestations, I wouldn't be too surprised if Slope really was stuck on you."

"Oh, you've done it again."

"What, Jeffrey?"

"Sent my boy bits into hibernation. The prospect of Slope getting his hands anywhere near has sent them running for cover."

"Then you should appreciate my taking your place." Susie threw out her arms. "It's a far, far better thing I do now than I've ever done before."

"Don't be so dramatic - you're in no danger. Once he sees it's really you, he's buggered."

"It's the thought that counts and you should appreciate my other efforts on your behalf."

"I suppose I should be grateful you kept your ears open. It was lucky you overheard them."

"That's your bad news, I haven't been eavesdropping; I got it straight from the horse's mouth."

"How on earth did you manage that?"

"I'm afraid that Denise has been leading Slope up the garden path. Once out of that door, you may have your hands full."

"You don't mean."

"Yes, Jeffrey - in more ways than one."

"God, Susie - exactly what have you been up to?"

"I was only looking out for you," she huffed. "It was just flirty girl stuff, but I may have raised his expectations. You know the kind of thing."

"No, I don't," I protested.

"Yes, you do - you little coquette."

"Maybe, but as those things go, it's rather neat."

"Don't deliberately misunderstand," Susie snorted. "The way you come on to me at times - it's a good job one of us knows how to exercise some restraint. Admit it, Jeffrey - Denise is a prickteaser."

I goggled. "That's one thing she can't be - unless Susie has a secret."

"You know what I mean," she scowled. "It's the same difference."

"You needn't fret, I love you for your mind, anyway."

Susie laughed. "Enough, Jeffrey, we have to be serious. There may be some tricky moments ahead." She handed me her sunglasses. "Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be. I'm worried about Slope - even in this disguise, he could have recognised your voice."

"Och aye the noo. It's a braw, bricht, moonlit nicht, the nicht, mon."

"Oh, you didn't."

"Yes I did," she smirked. "Auld Rabbie Burns himself would have been fooled."

"Why couldn't you have stuck to talking broad - I can manage that."

"Broad?"

"Yes, broad - lanky dialect, chuck."

"I thought it best if I came from as far away as possible," she huffed. "Denise is a fine Glaswegian name and this town's a favourite of fleeing Scots."

"So, I'm a Scottish, teenage, runaway punkette."

"And randy with it."

"Is there anything else I should know?"

"No, I didn't tell him my life story; you can let your imagination run wild."

She shoved me towards the door. "You get out there first; we don't want him seeing us together. It would be better if you offered to take him somewhere quiet, so I can make a clean getaway."

I looked at Susie in dismay. "Why did you have to make things so difficult for me? All I know of Scots talk comes from 'Oor Wullie' and 'The Broons' - this will never work."

"Yes, it will. As well as the prospect of at least a hand-job clouding his judgement, he's also slightly the worse for wear. To be truthful, he's more than a little pissed."

"Oh, Susie!"

"He has a half bottle of whisky in his pocket, whatever you do, don't let him get you tipsy."

"What have you got me in to? I know nothing about how to deal with a horny, drunk teenage boy."

"Give Denise her head, Jeffrey." She put her hand on my bottom and shoved me out of the door. "Lead on, MacDuff."

 

Chapter 18

"Hoots, mon - my bonnie wee laddie." I waved enthusiastically in Slope's direction.

He sprang forward to greet me. "You're all fixed up, then."

"Fixed up?"

"You know," he leered, "ready for later."

"Raring to go." I lied without a hint of a blush. "Come on, we don't want to hang around here - people may get the wrong idea about me."

"All in good time - first, I have a little unfinished business here. Did you notice a girl in there, wearing big glasses and dressed like a dork?"

"Ay, the wee lassie's kicking up a right royal fuss - she's convinced there's a stalker following her. She's insisting they call security." I looked around. "I wonder which one is the dirty old man."

Slope nervously checked the hall entrance. "You didn't think she was an odd sort of a girl."

"Well, she got quite hysterical and we had to undo her anorak. Guess what," I giggled. "She wasn't wearing anything underneath - not even a bra."

"I knew it." Slope's eyes lit up. "That's because she's a boy - he has no tits."

"What are you talking about? They make mine look like baby breasts." I jiggled them under his nose and had to slap him away.

"You must be mistaken."

"I know the difference between a laddie and a lassie. Boys don't have boobs. I wish I had a little more upstairs," I whined. "I need some help to show even this much."

"Don't worry about it, they suit me fine - I don't like top-heavy girls."

"That's usually the number one attraction. Hey, you don't prefer butch girls, do you?"

"No fear."

"How about girly boys?"

"I know one of those," he sniggered. "He'd make a bloody good Barbie. I often imagine the little freak all dolled up."

"You'd like to see that, would you?"

"Not half - that'd give his snooty lady friend something to think about."

"How's he managed to attract a bonnie wee lassie?"

"I can't figure it out - she's a real babe. Why on earth she wants to go around with someone who looks like her sister is beyond me."

"There's nowt as queer as fowk," I smiled.

"They're just as bad as each other. Someday I'll settle with both of them."

"I can see that they've been giving you a hard time."

"I hope you're going to do the same," Slope leered.

I half turned with a suggestive wiggle. It was impossible not to, in the skirt and heels. "Why are we still hanging around here, then?"

"I'd planned to give him a sticky time. I can't believe he's not in there. You must be mistaken - he won't dare have security turn up."

"Weel, ye'll soon find out that I'm right." I pointed over his shoulder. "Here they come, I recognise them from earlier, when the boggarts were hassling me."

Slope grabbed my hand and pulled me away in the opposite direction. "Let's go: there's always a danger of misunderstandings. It's best not to be a witness to this sort of thing."

"Awa wi ye - there might be some fun."

"No, come on - an incident like this might upset a sweet young thing like you."

I slowly trailed after Slope. "Hurry up, girl - you're not getting nervous about our little arrangement, are you?"

"Nae, it disnae fricht me - I know how to handle a man."

"Was he your boyfriend?"

"Was who my boyfriend?"

"Nate Disney."

"Nate Disney? Let me think."

"Just how many boyfriends have you had?"

"Not that many, but you can't expect me to remember all their names. Has he got ginger hair?"

"How would I know?"

"Well, if you can't give me a clue."

"You shouldn't need a bloody clue - you just said Nate Disney frigged you," Slope spluttered. "How could you forget him?"

"Oh, that Nate Disney," I smirked, "as in Bing sings, but Walt disnae."

Slope look puzzled. "What the bloody hell are you talking about? Sometimes, you come out with a load of complete gibberish."

"Don't be so thick. Disnae - does not: it's Scots, not bloody Swahili."

"It's hard work following you," Slope bridled. "Your accent seems to come and go."

"That's because I'm working on it for the benefit of you Sassenachs," I cooed. "How's this: the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."

He laughed and walked me to a couch under a window. "Let's make ourselves comfortable."

"This is a gret muckle place, is it not?"

He rolled his eyes. "If you say so."

I caught the eye of a passing cyberman. "Are you looking at me, Jimmy? Because if you are, you'd better be willing to ficht this laddie here."

"Shush," Slope whispered, "you'll get us thrown out."

"Don't shush me - I'm fed up being goosed by cybermen."

"I only want a picture with you," he protested. "And I'm not a cyberman, I'm an ice warrior."

"Well, melt away before I set ma mon on ye." I shoved Slope forward. "Give him a Glasgow kiss, Russell."

The ice warrior legged it and Slope with a grin of triumph sat me down and moved in closer. "Have you still got a boyfriend, back home?"

"Not any more," I snorted. "My last one was a bitter disappointment."

"You'll have no worries with me on that score," he gloated. "Go on, you can tell me," he sniggered, "Are you first attracted by the size of a boy's dick?"

"Certainly not." My skirt rode up as I leaned forward. "What sort of a girl do you think I am?" I pouted. "It's the size of his giro."

"I'm not short in the cash stakes, either - I can show a girl a good time if she's willing to play her part."

I decided on some delaying tactics. "Give me some room, I want to get something out of my bag."

I plonked it squarely in my lap and began rummaging. If stories about girl's bags were true, I was in for an interesting half hour.

He became impatient. "What are you looking for?"

"This," I pulled out the bottle of nail varnish, "it's silly, but it really turns me on." I uncapped the bottle and started painting.

Slope watched with interest. "I think pink is a really sexy colour."

He slid his hand on my knee, but he wasn't going there or anywhere near. "Oops, watch out," I flicked the fully laden brush at his face.

"Ow, that stings - it's gone right in my eye."

"It's your own fault - you made me jump."

He dabbed at his eye with a hanky. "You did that on purpose."

"Don't be mad: a lassie has to be careful with strangers."

"You can trust me, Denise - I'm a gentleman."

"Maybe," I smiled. "A boy who sports a monogrammed handkerchief must be a real gowk."

"I certainly am," he smirked.

"R is for Russell. What about the S? Tell me your second name - it gives a girl more confidence in a boy."

"Smith, would you believe," he laughed, "there are a lot of us about."

"I was convinced you were a crow."

"What do you mean a crow?" He croaked. "I know my nose is a little the worse for wear."

"Russell Crowe, silly," I cooed. "You remind me of him."

"You're only saying that - I don't have film star looks."

I stroked his arm. "In my eyes, you're a proper scunner."

"A stunner, eh - I wouldn't go that far, but it's nice of you to say so. I'm not one to boast, but there's another department I can match him in," he winked. "If you're a naughty girl, I'll give you a mouthful later."

"I hope that doesn't mean you're another one with a foul temper. I'm fed up with that sort. I've heard a lot about these new men who show their feminine side. I'm rather attracted to the concept."

"I wouldn't go that far, but you've no need to worry - I know how to treat a lady." He took advantage of my careful application of the nail varnish and slipped his hand on my knee again. "What's your name - don't tell me it's Jones," he laughed.

I glanced at the opposite wall: fifteen minutes to the prize giving. "Denise MacClockerty - one of the Glasgow MacClockertys. Butchers to the gentry: we're famous for our lovely pork sausages." I took his hand off my knee and pulled on his little finger. "This little piggy went to market ..."

"Stop it, let's be grown-up." He put his hand into his pocket. "How about we have a little drink together, it will get us in the mood."

"I canna; I hae to think of the bairn." I rubbed my belly. "I've been a silly wee lassie."

"You mean ..."

"Yes, I've been led astray," I snuffled. "He told me that I was a richt hottie and we were safe doing it standing up. But puir naive Denise has been left with a bun in the oven."

"Wait a minute, you told me you'd drunk eight cans of lager and had a hangover."

"No, I didn't."

"You did so - when I asked you to take off your glasses."

"Ah yes, that was my cover story. I didn't know whether I could trust you or not."

"What do you mean, trust me? I'm not any old hobbledehoy - I'm a Slope."

"If you must know, I'm in disguise," I sobbed. "I hae to be cannie - someone's probably followed me down here."

He was confused. "Don't upset yourself, tell me what's going on."

"I'm sorry," I wept, "now that I've got you to look after me, things will be different. I know you won't run out on me like the father of my puir wee babee."

He pulled back. "Wait a minute - I don't want to be the one to break up a family. I can't believe he'd desert a girl like you. He'll be back when he gets over the shock."

"Why would I want that? A girl has her needs too, ye ken," I confided. "He's nae guid to me after the incident with the bacon slicer - he's only half the man he was."

Slope shifted uncomfortably. "That sounds nasty, but he'll probably soon be as good as new - they can stitch anything back on nowadays."

"Not after it's been through a mincer."

He laughed nervously. "I suppose that's what you call a freak accident."

"Oh, it was no accident - you can't deflower a fourteen year old dochter of the clan MacClockerty fourteen times and expect to get away scot free."

He looked anxiously at his watch. "I'm a bit pushed for time; I've an important appointment at four."

"But I did my nails specially for you." I waved them under his nose and winked. "They're dry now and I'm ready for some action."

Slope stood up. "Dinna go: the thought of you squaring up to ma faither has really made me hot. I haena seen a guid ficht since I came down here."

He turned away. "I really have to go now."

"Weel ye no come back agin, ma bonnie wee prince?" I tugged him back by his sleeve.

"Geroff me, you Scottish slag - I'm too good for the likes of you." He tore himself away and set off at a run.

"Awa ye big jessie," I shouted after him. "Ma mither was right - all men are bastards."

I watched as he separated his mates from a pair of Leelas they were chatting up. They didn't appear best pleased. Arm waving and an argument followed, before his friends gave him a shove and took off after their girlfriends. Boys - there's only one thing on their minds. Slope flopped down onto a couch and took a long swig from his bottle. I hope I'm not responsible for driving a man to drink. I turned on my heel and strutted away.

"Winner of the Open Minor trophy and a cheque for five hundred pounds plus fifty pounds and trophy for best game plus an extra fifty pounds and trophy for the best unrated player plus a further fifty pounds and trophy for best lady player - Miss Susan Jones."

Susie stepped forward to a round of applause and graciously accepted her winnings. Watching from the back, I had a moment of anxiety after my young admirer received his runner-up and best junior prizes.

"Come on, throw back that hood and let's have a picture of you two."

Luckily, the wunderkind hadn't spent too much time studying my face, but Susie further short-circuited his analytic faculties with a kiss full on the lips. After that his dad couldn't march him away fast enough.

"The crafty little madam," I heard him hiss in his son's ear as he shoved past me, "she's out to nobble you for any future meetings. I hope you've learned what a danger girls can be to your career."

The boy glanced back over his shoulder. "But she loves me - she showed me her breasts." His dad grunted and dragged him through door.

I made my way to Susie who was stuffing the cups into her pockets. "Here, take these." She passed two over.

"I feel a bit unhappy about this best lady player award."

"So do I, it's blatant sexism - I had a good mind to refuse it."

"Perhaps you should hand it back - explain it's against your feminist principles."

"I'm prepared to make an exception in this case. It'll probably cause them no end of administrative difficulties with the cheque being made out to me and everything."

"I just feel I've taken unfair advantage. I have had access to an advanced male mathematical brain."

"Don't get uppity, Jeffrey. It was my superior female intellect behind the whole scheme."

"That's not the point," I griped.

"Oh, don't worry about it - your lack of testosterone evened things up."

"Well, that doesn't seem to cause me any problems. In fact, I wish Denise wasn't such a spirited little so-and-so. I think you may be having an undue influence on her, Susie."

"I do hope so, Jeffrey." She patted my bum. "But she didn't get her ideas about tight skirts from me."

"Give over, I've still enough sense to want to get out of this gear as soon as possible," I snorted. "Come on, what are we hanging around for?"

"Old Bossom, he said he'd look in to record my success - and here he comes now. Put the cups out on this chessboard, while I strike a modest but triumphant pose."

He threw up his arms in pleasure. "What a haul, Miss Jones - you've done the old school proud. Let me get some pictures."

Susie worked her way through the cups and I edged away. "Don't go, Denise - I'll need help with this lot." She turned to Bossom. "Denise is a Scottish cousin; she's come down for the Doctor Who gathering - she's a real enthusiast as you can see."

"That's a very striking costume, my dear. I was a big fan of the original, but I can't quite place you."

"This is Susie's creation - she likes to dress me up. Sometimes, she gets carried away - I only hope mum never sees me like this."

"Don't you believe it, I can't keep her out of my wardrobe."

Bossom coughed. "I was expecting to find Smith here. I thought he would be giving you his full support."

"Oh, Jeffrey has played his part to the full, but discreetly - we didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea."

"There's no danger of any repercussions."

"None at all, a Susan Jones entered and she won on merit - no funny business."

"I'm glad to hear it. What's in a name, after all?" He mused. "Are you girls all right about getting home?"

"Yes, we're being picked up in about an hour. You could take the cups though, Denise is a bit short on pockets."

"Happy to, my dear. I can show them off on Monday morning at school." He scooped up the trophies. "Take good care of your cousin, Miss Jones. I think she's really smitten with you."

Susie put her arm around me. "Don't worry, Denise is in good hands."

"What a mess, Susie. You've really done it now," I groaned. "How am I going to face Bossom at school?"

"He'll say nothing. Who do you think has been looking out for you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Letting you skip P.E. for one thing."

"Oh hell, Susie - who doesn't know about me? I'll be the talk of the staffroom."

"You can put your trust in him - he didn't even take your picture."

"I should bloody hope not. I don't want to be anyone else's pin-up girl, thank you very much."

"Stop moaning, you'll soon be back in your favourite anorak."

"Well, we'd better make certain we don't bump into Slope. If he finds out, that would be a different kettle of fish altogether."

"Oh, we can handle him."

"Little good that will do me if he realises Denise MacClockerty and Jeffrey Smith are one and the same. I was all too convincing as a potential gymslip mum - I don't know where I get it from."

"It's your highly developed instinct for self-preservation."

"Partly, but I have to admit that I enjoyed myself as Miss MacClockerty - I find her more than a little sexy."

"So do I," Susie grinned.

"As a matter of fact, I had a hard time keeping thoughts of myself as your wee Scots lassie out of my head."

"There's something about the accent, isn't there, Jeffrey - would you like me to get you a tartan mini-skirt?"

"I don't suppose it would do any harm to indulge my little fantasy. My granddad has a Jimmy Shand and his band CD; I wouldn't mind doing the Highland fling with you."

"I'll look forward to that, Jeffrey."

"I only hope I'm not being bedazzled by all this - there seems no end to it."

"Don't worry - I'll be your anchor to reality."

"That's reassuring, Susie - Heaven knows what would happen if you cast me adrift."

We reached the end of the corridor. "Dalek ahead - stop wiggling and get on the outside of me."

"Give us a hand will you - I'm stuck. I've released the catch, but I can't get the damn front to open. Hurry up, please, I'm bursting to go to the bog."

"What do you want us to do?"

"Grab my plunger and give it a bloody big yank, while I push from inside."

We got our hands on the rubber. "Ready, on the count of three," Susie announced. "One ... two ... three."

"Oof." I was squashed up against the wall by Susie.

"Thanks girls, you'll have to excuse me." A gangly youth sprang out and bounded over to the toilets.

"No damage done, I hope, Jeffrey."

"None at all, we MacClockerties are a hardy breed."

"It's all that porridge, eh Denise."

"You should be grateful I'm a girl of simple tastes; you've unearthed a real little treasure in me."

Susie was showing her appreciation when Slope lurched round the corner. "Come on, we'd best not give him any ideas."

"Not in there - I've had enough of being trapped in toilets. Let's hide behind the biggest aspidistra in the world."

"I don't think this is an aspidistra, it's one of them triffids, isn't it?"

"Never mind that - look." Slope flopped down into the dalek.

"He's completely pissed."

"Well, that's fine by me. Let's be off and change - I want to be an androgynous geek for mum."

"Wait, did you hear that - he's snoring - come on, this is too good an opportunity to miss."

I followed Susie across. "Get his other leg in and then stand back." She slammed the casing shut and grabbed the gun. "Take the plunger and let's play hide the Slope."

We entered the Dr Who room and made our way over to some other abandoned daleks.

"What if they take him home to the Doctor Who exhibition, Susie? That's where some of these come from - look there."

"That'll be just too bad, Jeffrey. She peeled off a sticker and transferred it to Slope's dalek. Come on, you've moaned enough about that outfit, let's go and get changed so you won't shock your mum."

"Denise, Denise - over here. I'm ready for you now."

Our way back to the toilets was blocked by a waving woman. "What's going on? I've never seen her before."

"This is all your fault for messing about with Slope, otherwise you would have been safely swapped back by now."

Susie continued across the room. "Not so fast - who does she think I am - am I Scottish?"

"No, Jeffrey - you're a blushing English rose. Or you will be, by the time she's had her way with you."

"I don't like the sound of this - let's get out of here."

"We can't - I've already taken the money."

"Well, you can do whatever it is you've been paid for, but hurry up."

"That's going to be awkward now, you'll have to take my place."

"I somehow don't fancy that: I haven't a clue what's going on."

"All you have to do is sit back, close your eyes and think of England."

"No way." I grabbed hold of a pillar.

"I said 'sit back', not 'lie back'. It's only a makeover."

"Well, you do it - I'm pretty much fully made over already." I clung on tighter. "A harmless private hobby is one thing, but this is turning into a dangerous public obsession."

"Nonsense, Jeffrey." Susie unwound my arm and dragged me away. "After your transformation, you'll be everyone's darling. It couldn't have worked out better - you're more suited to be a model bride than me anyway."

 

Susie was showing her appreciation when Slope lurched round the corner.

"Oh Susie, what if I get a thing about bridal gowns as well?"

"I'll be disappointed if you don't, Jeffrey. I've always wanted to snog a girl under a veil."

"That's all very well, but this is already turning out to be a very expensive hobby. If we start acting out your wedding fantasies, I'm never going to have any money," I moaned. "Couldn't you have just as much fun dressing me up in black bin liners and brown parcel tape?"

Susie and Jeffrey 19 - 24 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 19

"Susie, this is madness," I protested and tried to change course. "Mum will be here at five. There's hardly enough time to swap back as it is."

"Don't get so worked up, Jeffrey."

"It's all right for you," I spluttered and managed to drag her to a halt. "But what am I going to say when mum comes looking for us and finds me posing in a wedding dress?"

"There's no need to worry ..."

"No need to worry," I seethed. "She'll think that's what this whole weekend has been about - a scheme to publicly flaunt myself in the most feminine manner possible."

"Calm down - you should know by now you can rely on my meticulous attention to every little detail," Susie smirked. "I've already rung your mother and explained we were going to be delayed."

"What did she say - was she upset?"

"No, she was quite happy about it. Your mum's going out later and now she won't have to rush."

"Why didn't you tell me this before - and your little arrangement with Stephanie?"

"You had enough on your plate handling Slope. I didn't want to upset you with the prospect of having to hang around a little longer."

I looked up at the ceiling. "Thoughtful as ever." Susie used my lapse in concentration to get us underway again. "Hang on, from what I've seen, it takes brides all morning to get ready; we'll be here for hours."

"If you cooperate and do as she says, Stephanie will have you ready to walk down the aisle in no time. She's a consummate professional."

"Then when she gets a close-up of me she'll know my little secret." I flung out my arm and swung the pair of us around the next pillar.

"Now you're being silly, Jeffrey," Susie hissed. "The other night, my mum did more than give your hair the once-over. She finds it hard to believe you're really a boy - and that was without seeing an incipient pair of bouncy boobs."

"They won't come to my rescue this time, Susie. I'm sure to give myself away. I'm not well up on bride behaviour."

"Most sixteen year old girls aren't, Jeffrey. Just be guided by Stephanie - she'll tell you exactly what to do."

"This isn't you and me in my bedroom," I whined. "She'll want me to perform in front of a bunch of strangers."

"Once you're in the dress and veil, the exhibitionist in Denise will be fully unleashed - I won't be able to get you down off the catwalk."

"The scary thing is you may be right," I groaned, "but it's too much of a risk. We'll have to think of some excuse to get out of it."

"We can't stand here arguing or Stephanie will wonder what's the matter."

I glanced across the room to where she was waiting and waved my arm in what I hoped was a 'just a minute' gesture.

I turned back to Susie. "First, I want to hear what you said to mum."

"I told a little white lie, Jeffrey - I thought it best to say the chess tournament had overrun."

I threw up my arms in exasperation. "And why did you have to do that?"

Susie responded with a fit of giggling.

"Please, not now."

"I'm sorry, but when Jeffrey gets heated, he becomes even sexier as Denise. Her little breasts almost jump out of their cups in excitement."

I pulled up my bustier. "In future, this is strictly indoor wear," I insisted. "Now, can we be serious - why didn't you want mum to know about your modelling job?"

"Don't be so dense: she thinks I'm dressed like you are - she could easily have jumped to the wrong conclusion."

I slapped my forehead. "I knew it - there's something dodgy about this whole deal. Why would she pick someone dressed like this for a model - does she think I'm a stripper?"

"Of course not," Susie snorted. "You look nothing like a stripper."

"Well, that's no thanks to you - it's a miracle I haven't fallen out of these clothes already."

"Oh, quit moaning and come on."

"Hold on a minute. What exactly do you know about this job - it isn't a private show for an exclusive audience, up in her room, is it?"

"Now you're being plain silly, Jeffrey. Stephanie advertises her bridal gowns in Lancashire Life. You'll be parading before members of the county set, no less. I've secured you a high-class assignment," she declared. "So behave accordingly."

"This is too much," I objected. "I'm not acting the snooty bitch - I only ever wanted to be your typical girl next door."

"That'll be fine: just remember to let Denise show off her natural refinement."

Before I could answer, Susie jerked me away from the pillar. "Look out, you're going to have me slithering on my bloody arse."

"Oops sorry, but you shouldn't be engaging in a tug-of-war. Especially when you're indulging your fetish for tight skirts and high heels."

"Oh Susie, what if I get a thing about bridal gowns as well?"

"I'll be disappointed if you don't, Jeffrey. I've always wanted to snog a girl under a veil."

"That's all very well, but this is already turning out to be a very expensive hobby. If we start acting out your wedding fantasies, I'm never going to have any money," I moaned. "Couldn't you have just as much fun dressing me up in black bin liners and brown parcel tape?"

"We can do that anytime - we should make the most of this chance." She broke into a grin. "I'm really looking forward to it; I'll have to see we get our photo taken together."

I groaned.

"Cheer up, it's supposed to be the happiest day of a girl's life." I managed a weak smile. "Come on, my princess bride can do better than that."

"A princess and a bride - won't you ever be satisfied?"

"Never, Jeffrey - I've a whole string of things for us to work our way through."

It was too late for more protests as Stephanie greeted me with open arms. "You're a lifesaver, my dear - stepping into the breach like this." She gave me a hug. "For a moment there, I was afraid you were having second thoughts."

Stephanie didn't look like the kind of woman to take no for an answer. Her clothes helped: I wouldn't mind seeing Susie dressed that way either - severe, but sexy.

"Well, I ...er..."

"I'm Susie, Denise's special friend. She was feeling shy, but I talked her round." She kissed me on the cheek and winked at Stephanie. "Denise is secretly dying for me to see her all dolled up. Will it be all right if I come along and give her moral support?"

"Of course, dear - an extra pair of hands is always welcome. Just remember though," she emphasized, "I don't 'doll people up' - I'm an artist in silk and satin."

"Sorry, I'm a bit of a nerd fashionwise. My mind's usually on higher things, but I love to dress up Denise. What do you think of my latest effort?"

"You may have gone a little over the top."

"I know: Denise wasn't too keen, but she's wearing it to please me."

"Well, her look is ideal for my purposes. It'll show them my gowns can turn a ladette into a lady."

"A lad into a lady might be even better," Susie giggled.

"I did once have a boy in the audience volunteer." she laughed. "He would have been a popular choice, but I really need someone who can show off my dresses to advantage."

"Some boys have cute figures."

"It would have been fun, but not just anyone can be a Miss Stephanie girl. It's an honour, if I do say so myself," she preened. "Besides, I have to think of my reputation - some people might not appreciate such a prank."

"There's a way out for you, Jeffrey," Susie snickered in my ear. "Are you going to confess all?"

"No, I'll only land in more bother - besides it's three against one."

"It's rude to whisper, girls."

"Sorry, Denise is having doubts again. She's afraid she may not be feminine enough - there's a lot of the tomboy in her."

"Come here, darling." Stephanie took off my sunglasses and wig. "There, I knew it from the moment I first saw you - you're going to be perfect."

I blinked and shook out my hair. "Okay, but don't let Susie tease me about wanting to be a boy."

"Don't worry, sweetie - it's all part of growing up," she smiled. "Nature will out - you were born to take part in a fairy-tale wedding. Now, here's what I want you to do."

Stephanie was well into her sales patter; I turned to Susie. "I want the money for this," I whispered. "In cash - and before we get home."

"Shush, Denise, just wait until you see yourself in a mirror - such mundane matters will be the last thing on your mind."

"I'm about to experience a transport of delight, am I?"

"Indubitably," Susie smirked. "And then you'll be begging me to buy you a dress of your very own - so no more griping over the distribution of our capital."

"Maybe you should think of switching to economics for A-level," I suggested. "It'd be much more useful careerwise. Psychology - that's only good for personnel departments."

"Too many sums, I'm afraid," Susie sighed.

"In that case, would home economics appeal to you? That was mum's favourite."

"I don't think so, Denise."

"Domestic science then?" I offered. "Gran swears by it."

"You're pushing your luck, Jeffrey," she hissed.

"I don't know what you mean, Susie. I've always accepted our relationship will be built on liberty, equality and your maternity."

"If you don't watch it, I'll be taking you out with a cushion stuffed up your dress and pushing a pram," she threatened.

I was fortunate Stephanie called for volunteers before I said anything rash.

"Right, who wants to be my victim?"

My hand shot up; I wasn't alone, but I was the only boy.

Stephanie looked us over. "I like a real challenge - how about our gum chewing little punkette over there? Come out here, dear and bring your friend along with you."

We left our seats and as instructed earlier, I shimmied to the front whilst blowing a large pink bubble. I sealed it off and pinched it into a dumbbell shape. "Here you are, Susie - another little trophy to go with the others."

"Thank you, Denise - they're safe in my care. I know you regard them as a bit of a nuisance, but you'll need them for school on Monday."

We reached the front and Stephanie put an arm around each of us. "Right, tell everyone your names, dears."

"I'm Susie and this is my friend Denise. I dared her to do this - I can't wait to see her all dressed up."

There was a ripple of laughter around the room. "And what about you, Denise - are you looking forward to your transformation?"

"Not really, this is all Susie's idea. I'm not into pretty-pretty stuff."

"One of Stephanie's gowns can work its magic even on a girl like you. First though, let me give our audience some tips on bridal make-up."

She ushered me into her chair; I sat back and shut my eyes and she started work on my face. I played over my prize-winning game from round one and thankfully only caught snatches of her running commentary.

"Foundation ... shadow ... nails, Susie ... careful with the glue ... lashes on ... eyes open ... eyes closed ... stay on permanent colour... coating on lips ... withstand a night of passion ... all finished."

"Stand up, dear - and smile. Don't be shy, you look lovely."

She took me by the shoulders and to a round of applause stood me alongside Susie. "Have you ever been made up like this?"

"Never, Denise, you're one up on me there."

I blinked and my false eyelashes fluttered. I liked the feeling and gave a little wave to the audience.

"You don't think I'm too young to carry this look off," I asked anxiously.

"Well, I don't' suppose it's the kind of thing you could wear to school every day. But don't worry," she added ominously, "there'll be plenty of special occasions when you can indulge yourself."

Stephanie's voice came from behind us. "Take Denise into the changing room, Susie and help her into the underwear and dress, I'll come and do the final lacing up after I've seen to the cosmetic orders."

On the way, I had a first glimpse of my long scarlet nails. "Hell, I could put someone's eye out with these babies - my own included."

"You'll be okay: you're not going to be saluting anyone this evening." She pushed me through the curtain. "Hurry up and get undressed."

Susie unzipped my skirt and I stepped out of it while still fumbling with the bustier. "I need some practice with these nails - you'll have to help."

She undid the fastenings and peeled it off. "I suppose I'll have to dress you as well."

I caught sight of the bridal underwear. "This is a real honeymoon night outfit, Susie. Are you sure it's right for wearing with a wedding dress."

"Stephanie knows best. Come on, if we don't get a move on she'll see you like this - not that it would disillusion her."

"Well mind how you go, it's provocative enough without any teasing from you."

Susie rubbed the panties against her cheek. "You'll love them."

"Maybe so, but it seems a bit extravagant when they'll be hidden away."

"I'll know you're wearing them and so will you," Susie smiled. "They'll remind you to behave extra feminine - here, step into these."

Before long, I was encased in a full set of satin lingerie. "You're two up on me now, Denise - I've never worn anything like that."

"Stop drooling and help me get the dress on before Stephanie comes in." I ran my hands down my sides and shivered. "These undies are wonderful, but they're for your eyes only."

Susie smiled and dropped the gown over my head. I wriggled into it. I noticed the ruched bodice and the flounces on the skirt and felt the layers of underskirts. I shuddered - and shuddered again when I imagined the price.

Susie settled the top over my breasts. "Your bare shoulders are very provocative."

"Oh don't, Susie - I was just congratulating myself on hiding away Pinky and Perky. Now, you're going to make me self-conscious about another erogenous zone."

"Never mind that, just wait until you see yourself in the mirror." She turned me around. "Get an eyeful of that, Denise."

"Oh my God, I look like a magazine cover." I batted my eyelashes and gave a bright red pout. "You'll have to watch out for me, Susie, this is making Denise quite giddy. She may be reckless if she runs into someone who knows Jeffrey."

"I don't think you're in any danger of being recognised at the moment," Susie mumbled, as she nuzzled on my shoulder.

I tried out a few more expressions while Susie clasped me tightly around the waist from behind. "I heard an awful lot of talk about permanent and glue - I hope this stuff is going to come off all right." I kissed the back of my hand. "Hey, it doesn't even leave a mark."

"Don't worry, Stephanie will see to it." She turned me around. "But first I'll have a try."

Susie was making a valiant effort when we were disturbed. Stephanie came in and a huge smile spread over her face.

"Don't mind me, girls - carry on. I prefer models like you. Boyfriends are such a nuisance - look how I've been let down today."

"I was just giving Denise's lipstick a test."

"It won't come off that way. You'll need make-up remover and twenty-four hours to get rid of it completely."

"But I've got school tomorrow and they're strict about that sort of thing. What am I going to do?"

"You'll be all right, honey - tell them it's the healthy red glow of a girl in love," she grinned. "Turn around and let me get to work on those laces."

"Oof."

"Breathe in, darling, the tighter it is the more pleasure you'll feel," she promised.

"Oof, are you sure?" I gasped.

"Perfectly." Stephanie gave a last tug and spent ages tying what must be a Gordian knot. She kissed me on the shoulder. "Denise is our prisoner now, Susie," she laughed. "Pass me the headdress, please."

The long silken veil swished across my bare shoulders and down to my waist. I gave an involuntary tremble. "There's no need to be nervous, you're lovely - let's go and meet your public. Give her your arm, Susie."

I gulped as Stephanie drew back the curtain. Susie whispered in my ear. "One day we'll be doing this for real."

"Give a good performance and perhaps I'll let you model for me again at the Wedding Fayre next month. Would you like that?"

"Give it your best, Denise," Susie encouraged "It'll be a nice day out for us."

"How about having Susie as the model next time?"

"I'll see. It's a big event - I could use you both." She ushered us along. "We'll talk about it later. Now, don't be nervous. Everyone loves a bride - especially one as pretty as you."

We arrived in front of the audience to a round of applause. "Up and down the aisle." Stephanie sent me on my way with a tap on the bottom.

"Isn't she sweet."

"I can't believe it's the same girl."

I blushed a little, but I couldn't help smiling at the sea of faces. I felt quite secure behind the make-up and in the dress. And I liked being admired as Denise. I wonder if this is how actors feel.

On the way back, I felt I was really getting the hang of this modelling lark - it's money for jam. I wondered whether I should tell Susie that. Better not - just yet.

Susie linked arms and joined me on my second trip and we finished off with a kiss, which was greeted with some enthusiasm.

"Maybe they'd applaud even louder if they knew what they were really witnessing," Susie whispered.

"Oh my God," I gasped. "I think this whole experience is becoming too much for me - now I can hear a ringing in my ears."

"Me too, Denise."

Brrrriiiiiiiinnnnnggggggggg.

 

Chapter 20

"The fire alarm!" A panicky voice cried out.

"Please tell me it's the sound of wedding bells, Susie. I don't want to be dashing for safety got up like this."

"Somehow, Denise, I think you may have to postpone changing into your going away outfit."

Stephanie had been interrupted in the middle of discussing an order. "This is a damn silly time to hold a fire practice," she seethed. "They've ruined my day - I'll bloody sue them."

"I'm taking no chances," someone shouted. "This old place is a fire trap - I'm out of here."

There was a buzz of conversation and some of the audience began to leave. I looked at Susie in fright. "Get me out of this dress - it feels highly combustible. I'm sure I've read about brides going up in flames."

"Hang on, we haven't had our picture taken yet. Don't you want a souvenir of our first time as a happy couple?"

"We haven't time for that now," I yelped. "I'm not about to risk playing Joan of Arc for you."

"There's no need to worry, sweetie, you're fireproof." Stephanie stroked my hair through the veil. "Girls are safe from fire, flood and earthquake in my dresses - they're specially treated."

Susie took my arm. "Come on, I'll escort you to safety. The brave knight rescuing the helpless maiden," she grinned. "We'll have to play this at home."

"You focus on saving some clothes for yourself," I hissed. "I want those you've got on now. I can't go home dressed like this."

"There's no need to worry," Susie sniffed the air. "I can't smell anything; it's only a drill. We'll be back here in half an hour."

I was reassured until a security man with a loud hailer appeared at the door. "This isn't an exercise," he announced. "Please immediately evacuate the building in an orderly fashion. Don't be alarmed: there's a clear path to all the exits."

"See, Denise, I told you there was no fire," Susie crowed. "You can relax. It's only a bomb threat."

"A bomb!" Someone echoed.

The guard had nearly reached us. "Shush, not so loud we don't want a stampede."

Susie's words were being repeated around the room, followed by a surge towards the doors.

"There's no need to panic. The bomb squad are on their way," he shouted through the hailer. "By the way, has anyone noticed any suspicious bags?"

There was a crashing of chairs. Stephanie went white. "Come on," she cried, "let's get out of here."

"What about all your dresses - shouldn't we go back and get them?" Susie asked.

"Bugger the bloody things; they're not worth dying for. Anyway, I'm fully insured - it's about time I got something for my money." She dived into the crowd. "Follow me."

I pulled Susie back. "I'm going for our clothes - you find something to remove this make-up."

We were frustrated by the arrival of more hotel staff. "You can't come this way girls - use the far doors and hurry up."

"What am I going to do?" I groaned as they shepherded us away. "It'll take them ages to search this place. We'll never get back in tonight - I'm stuck like this."

Susie shrugged her shoulders. "We'll just have to work something out - we've plenty of time. There's no use worrying," she added brightly. "We may as well enjoy ourselves."

Susie linked arms and we set off down the aisle. "You're taking this very coolly - is there something you should be telling me?"

"You make a beautiful bride, Jeffrey."

"I already know that," I huffed. "And I suppose you thought it would be fun to take me home dressed like this?"

"It may have crossed my mind," Susie smiled.

I began to feel alarmed. "This couldn't be yet another of your crazy schemes, could it?"

"Do you think I would go that far for Denise, Jeffrey?"

"Well, you are mad about the boy as a girl and ... er..."

"And what?"

"You may be a touch irresponsible," I ventured. "Those are your parent's words, not mine - you were the one who told me."

Susie laughed. "Come on, you know I'm not stupid enough to start a bomb scare. Really, Jeffrey - you're becoming paranoid."

"They can trace phone calls - you won't get away with it."

"I swear this has nothing to do with me." Susie threw up her hands. "After what's happened to you since last Sunday, this is pretty much par for the course. Yet again, you're a victim of circumstances, Jeffrey."

"Will you two quit hanging about and get the hell out of here."

We pushed through the doors and started down the corridor.

"I don't mean to doubt you, Susie, but things have happened in eight days that shouldn't happen in eight years," I griped. "Sometimes it's hard to believe fate isn't being given a helping hand."

"Perhaps it's you. I noticed how you went out of your way to brush along the bridal rail in Barnardo's."

"I was just curious how they felt."

"Well, now you know - and from the inside. We can go back and buy one if you like."

"No thanks, I'm not spending any more money on clothes. Besides, none of them was as nice as this dress - I've been spoiled for any other."

"Then I don't know what you're complaining about," she huffed. "You moaned about wandering around half naked - well, now you're fully covered up in virginal white."

"It's not that modest - I'm still showing a lot of shoulder. They're sending out a definite 'come and get me' message."

"You don't help, swishing that veil back and forth over them. It's highly sensual, believe me."

"I can't help that," I protested. "The thing's designed to swish of its own accord."

"Take it off then."

"No way, I'd feel like I was walking around half naked. Anyway, I might need it to hide behind."

"Well, at least stop smiling and sighing with pleasure every time you move."

"With my underskirts moving over a full set of sexy satin underwear it's hard not to. What a way to go!" I exclaimed before casting my eyes upward. "I didn't mean it - I was only joking."

Susie laughed and swung me around a corner. "Get a move on - Heaven can wait."

"You realise we're going to be stuck ten miles from home with no transport," I moaned. "We should have kept up with Stephanie. She must have a big van - I could have changed in there."

"Into what?"

"Your stuff of course. Which is my stuff - lest you forget."

"And what about me?"

"She could have given us a lift home as well. Then, we'd only have to explain how you lost your skirt. That should be child's play for someone with your special gifts."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Jeffrey. A thing like that can get a girl a reputation."

"What about my reputation?"

"You've nothing to worry about there - Denise is a model of virtue."

"Forget it," I sighed. "But it's going to be difficult walking around like this - everyone will be curious about what's happened to me."

"You'll be okay. People will be falling over themselves to console a girl who's had her big day ruined."

"I don't want to get involved in twenty questions; it's just asking for trouble. I only have a Jeffrey life story - it'll be all too easy to give myself away. Someone could discover my little secret."

"Only if you go around shouting 'I'm a boy, I'm a boy, but my ma won't admit it' at the top of your voice - and even then, they won't believe you," Susie snorted. "They'll put it down to wedding day histrionics."

"But what if we run into someone who knows me - someone not sympathetic to a cross-dressing boy? Make that an extreme cross-dressing boy. Look at me - it's not like I can pretend I've just slipped on my sister's skirt because I'm suffering from chapped thighs."

"They'll hardly be expecting to see Jeffrey made-up in such finery Believe me, Stephanie has given you the full works. They may notice a vague resemblance, but they won't make the connection."

"But I'm with you, Susie - and in this outfit they're going to give me more than a fleeting glance - it won't be hard to put two and two together."

"All you need do is keep your eyes open and if you recognise anyone drop your veil - problem solved."

"You're hopeless."

Susie linked arms. "Come on, Snow White, I'll look after you - we make a perfect pair."

"Let's get one thing clear, Susie - I'm willing to perform for you like Snow White all night in the bedroom, but you're not buggering off every morning singing 'Heigh-ho, heigh-ho' and leaving me to do all the housework."

"Don't be too hasty, Denise may have a flair for the domestic," she laughed as we walked on down the corridor towards the exit. "I only wish I was wearing my black trouser-suit."

"Don't start that again - this isn't the place."

"Okay, but if we do arrive home with you as my blushing bride, promise you'll stay dressed until I've changed and we've had some pictures taken."

"Put those notions right out of your head - you should be making every effort to find a way for us to switch back."

"It'll be awkward - and you'll need more than soap and water to take that special make-up off - unless you want to give a convincing impression of Coco the clown."

I gave up. "We haven't the time to argue now - let's get out of here."

The corridor had emptied and we hurried along. We were passing the Doctor Who hall when I pulled Susie up. "Hold on a minute, what about Slope - do you think he's still in there?"

"Unless someone's moved him, he was well and truly bladdered."

The alarm was still hammering away. "We'd better check; we're the only ones who know he's in there."

"It'll be a lot of fuss over nothing. These things always turn out to be a hoax."

"Even so, he may be cooped up for hours before someone finds him."

"Come on, hurry up then. But just remember, Jeffrey - this was your idea if things go pear-shaped."

We crossed the floor towards a row of about a dozen daleks. "They're all mixed up, Susie - you start at the other end."

"No need, I've already spotted him. There's one standing in a yellow puddle."

"I suppose it was an easy mistake to make - thinking you're in a mobile commode."

"After you, Jeffrey."

"You can't expect me to wade through Slope's piss in this dress - it'd be sacrilege."

"You're right - wait there. I have to keep you in immaculate condition for later."

She went over, put her foot on the dalek and propelled it clear of the mess. "We'd better see if he's all right, Susie. He must be really sloshed."

We jerked open the front and Slope fell face down on the floor. "Go on, you're the one dressed to play the ministering angel." Susie pushed me forward. "If he sees you, he'll think he's died and gone to heaven."

I grabbed an arm and pulled him over onto his back. "What's the best thing to do with drunks?"

Susie surveyed the large damp patch. "Changing his nappy would be a good first step."

I grimaced and bent over to check his breathing.

Slope groaned and opened his eyes. "Oh, Barbie it's you." He struggled to focus. "I thought I was dreaming." He smiled in pleasure. "You're wonderful, Jeffrey - I'm sorry I've been such a shit."

I jumped back in alarm. "You're hallucinating - do I look like a Jeffrey?"

"You're the Jeffrey of my dreams," he slurred. "Give us a kiss, Barbie."

"Certainly not," I spluttered. "We've never met before; you're confusing me with someone else."

"Aw, don't be mad, I'm willing to forget any little differences we've had. I'm a changed person," he smiled. "I've completely forgiven myself."

"It doesn't work that way. And stop leering at me."

"Don't be coy: I know how you feel about me." He felt his groin and giggled. "Sugar lips has made me all wet, as usual - do it again." He made an effort and sat up.

"Keep away from me; you're sick - stay down there."

"I'll be perfectly okay once the room stops spinning. Ooh, Barbie - you're making me dizzy," he laughed, before he fell back and passed out with a smile on his face.

"I told you so," Susie smirked.

"Never mind 'I told you so' - we're buggered now."

"I'm certainly not - and it didn't sound like you've been yet, but I suppose he's working up to it."

"No doubt," I snorted. "Bloody hell, at least Robbie was a decent chap at the start. I wouldn't wish Slope on anyone."

"Perhaps they'll end up fighting over you."

"I don't think there's much chance of that. I'm definitely off Robbie's Christmas card list - he's in deep mourning over his car."

"Time's a great healer: he'll be chasing your ass again before too long."

"Go on - cheer me up."

"Okay," she grinned. "Got up like you are now, you could even persuade him to let me test drive his next car."

"There's no chance of that," I frowned. "Can we please get back to our immediate problem - what are we going to do about Slope? He called me Jeffrey."

"I don't think he actually recognised you - he'd been dreaming about Jeffrey as his girl, that's all."

"Dressed up as Barbie," I groaned.

"In her wedding outfit - I bet he has a whole collection of dolls he plays with," Susie gloated. "That would explain everything."

"I don't understand it, if that's what he wants, why doesn't he get himself a real girl with the full set of equipment?"

"He's one of those who doesn't like what we've got down there - he's scared it might bite."

"That sounds bizarre, considering what he asked me to do. You may well be misinformed again."

"Not this time, Jeffrey. He wants a pretty boy with breasts. It's a case of half a love is better than no bride at all," she concluded with a triumphant grin.

I gave her a little bow. "After that, your theory deserves to be true."

"It takes all sorts, Jeffrey."

"If you're right, I suppose I should feel some sympathy for him, but he's such an unpleasant swine," I sighed. "He'll never do good while he lives."

"Well, there's no need to worry, he's so smashed he won't remember a thing about today."

"He might have flashbacks."

"Only when he's drunk again."

"Well, I won't be around when he is."

"Or, if you arouse his subliminal memories, by giving him the eye."

"I'll do no such thing," I spluttered. "Why, the very thought of it!"

"You have to be careful, Jeffrey - under Denise's influence you may be tempted to have a little fun at his expense."

"Not that sort of fun, Susie, I can assure you," I protested. "Now, let's get him out of here."

She took his feet "You take the dry end, Jeffrey - I know my duty."

I got him by the arms.
"Ready - lift."

We struggled back to the corridor. "This is worse than that bloody dog," Susie puffed. "You don't think we've another stiff on our hands, do you?"

"I certainly hope not; it's still warm this end."

"It's warm, wet and whiffy down here, but I'm not complaining - I've already waded through a cesspit for you."

"I knew I'd found the right girl in you, Susie."

"The feeling's mutual, Denise."

"You can't leave him there; the exits have to be kept clear. Take him with you down the steps."

Susie turned to the security guard. "We're handing him over to you; he's your problem now."

"I'm sorry, Health and Safety won't allow it." He grinned at me. "It's 'for better or worse' - you haven't forgotten already, have you? Get him out of here."

"Denise isn't married to him and he's nothing to do with me either."

"Well then," he sneered, "you're a real pair of good Samaritans, aren't you?"

"That's right," Susie glared. "We didn't pass by on the other side. He was trapped in a dalek and we rescued him."

"Well then, he's your responsibility. You're not dumping him on me."

"You should be grateful; we've risked our lives doing your job."

"Don't be so dramatic, it's all one big bloody nuisance. The new assistant manager panicked. She's straight out of university - no experience of the world. It's someone playing silly buggers, that's all - there's no danger."

Booooooooommmm!

 

Chapter 21

"Jeffrey!"

Fortunately the guard was already halfway down the steps as Susie jumped into my arms.

We held each other tightly and when nothing came crashing down around us I whispered. "We're okay. It sounded like it came from the other wing."

"Don't let go just yet, though."

"You'll be fine in a minute. It's just a nasty shock to the system. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

"I'm sorry, Jeffrey - I've been really insensitive when you've suffered your little upsets."

"Not so little," I protested. "Compared to them this was hardly much more than a bad backfire."

Susie unwound herself. "Yeah, Robbie's car made more noise - it was a bit of a disappointment as explosions go."

"Well, I'm not complaining - how big a bang do you want?"

"I want to feel the Earth move, Jeffrey."

"No pressure there then," I gulped.

"Don't worry." She gave me a lusty kiss. "You're proving a very apt pupil."

"Thank you," I gasped. "And I hope you've learned an important lesson too."

"What would that be?"

"How easy it is to give me away. Someone has only to burst a paper bag behind you and Jeffrey's cover will be blown."

"If you were called Gordon Bennett," she grinned, "we'd have no worries on that score."

"We're not a couple of Cockney sparrers," I smiled. "Come on, we'd better get away from here and take Slope with us. Heave-ho."

We carried our burden down the steps and along the drive.

"Let's leave him here on the grass, Susie. We're far enough away now. The police will soon be arriving; they can find him a bed for the night. With any luck, they may even slap an instant fine on him."

We laid Slope in the recovery position. "Lower your veil, Barbie - I may as well give him a few smacks on the face."

I pulled her away. "I'd rather you didn't, Susie - he might wake up fighting drunk this time. Let's go before some official nosy-parker turns up and asks for our names and addresses."

I'd barely finished speaking when a voice came from behind us. "Just a minute, girls, I think we can be of assistance to one another."

We swung around to be greeted by the sight of a large middle-aged man.

"I'm sorry, we have to be on our way." Susie stepped away from Slope. "We've done our good deed for the day."

"That's what I'm interested in - Barry Horrocks of the Shoreham Gazette." He indicated the press badge on his lapel. "There's no one with a better nose for a scoop; Barry the bloodhound to my friends." He held out his hand to me.

Susie held back my arm. "Don't touch that," she cautioned. "It's fresh from scratching his bum."

He drew it back. "I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. You'll have to excuse me, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable."

"He has the look of a bloodhound with piles, Denise."

He tugged on his collar. "I'm a little flushed, that's all and my clothes are sticking to me."

"You're sweating," I remarked. This is no place for you. "You'd be better getting yourself off home."

"I'm a professional: the story comes first and I can sniff a good one here."

"All you can smell is a drunk that's pissed in his pants. You're welcome to him." Susie took my hand. "We've wasted enough time already - let's go."

"Not so fast - you must have a heroic tale to tell. Two frail girls engaged in a life and death struggle to save a casualty from a bomb-racked hotel. It's a scandal no one came to your aid."

"Well, you've kept yourself at a safe distance," Susie snorted. "Shouldn't a daring reporter be in the thick of things."

"Like I said, I'm not one hundred per cent at the moment," he hiccupped. "If you must know, I'm having a bit of tummy trouble."

"I'm sorry, but we've got to go. My mum will be worried," I explained.

"First, just answer me a few questions. Don't you want your fifteen minutes of fame?"

"No thanks, I'm content to be an unknown girl. I want to get home and forget all about this." I pointed up at the hotel. "That's where you should be - not wasting your time here. You'll miss the big story."

"I think I'm the best judge of that. Brides have always been lucky for me - apart from the ones I married." He shook his head ruefully. "Never mind my failures - let me tell you about my successes."

"We really must go; we're late as it is," I interrupted.

"Wait a moment," he pleaded. "You'll find this fascinating."

We both sighed and he continued. "There was the Pontin's chalet honeymoon murder, the hen night riots and my greatest triumph - the Burnley bigamist. Everyone else gave up on that minx, but I tracked her down to Ossie."

"Get away," Susie snorted, "you're a local reporter - they'd never let you go to Australia." She turned to me. "Watch out, Denise, he's trying to impress us with his chat up line."

"Not Australia," he spluttered, "Ossie - it was only down the road."

"Oh, hospital. Did you go in undercover dressed as a nurse?" Susie teased. "Some men like to do that, Denise - they'll use any excuse."

"You're deliberately misunderstanding me," he gasped. "Oswaldtwistle - do I have to spell it out for you?"

"I'm sorry; I'm a stranger to these parts," Susie sulked. "I was only being polite and showing an interest. We've never met a newshound before, have we, Denise?"

"Well, you have now and a pretty special one at that. I made the nationals with those stories," he smiled and then sighed, "but that would be before your time."

"We should get out of here," I urged. "Anything could happen."

"Yes, Denise is terrified; I don't know how's she's held herself together this long."

"You're in no danger, believe me. Oops, pardon." He gave a little burp and beat on his chest. "I'm full of bloody wind; I feel quite faint at times."

"Give us a break, we don't want another body on our hands," Susie declared. "You're too big for us to manhandle - go and get some Alka-seltzer."

"I've already taken half a dozen; I feel like I'm about to burst. If only this wind would come up - it seems to be stuck."

I looked at him with concern. "Are you sure it's only wind - should we take you somewhere to sit down?"

He managed another little burp. "You're a sweet girl and I appreciate your concern, but old Horrock's heart is as sound as a bell. It was those damn cucumber sandwiches."

Susie rolled her eyes. "The fruit of the devil: Denise and I would never go near one."

"You're wise beyond your years, my dear. Thinly sliced or not, I'll have to be on my deathbed before I try one again."

"If you're sure you'll be okay, we'll be on our way." I picked up the hem of my dress. "We shouldn't keep you from covering the bombing."

"It'll turn out to be nothing more than a Chinese firework - one of those Doctor Who nuts larking about. They're why I've had to waste my afternoon here," he grumbled. "It's a disgrace sending an experienced reporter to cover a bunch of weirdos indulging in their childish nonsense." He had to pause for breath and a burp. "Gritty human interest is my speciality - pop culture's a job for a junior."

"It's an important social phenomenon," Susie offered. "You owe it to your readers to keep them informed."

"Rubbish, it's just an excuse to parade up and down in silly costumes," he spluttered. "I don't know what the world's coming to. I'm sure some of those girls weren't all they seemed - it's most disconcerting."

"Oh, it's only a bit of fun, but I know what you mean. There was one I never would have guessed." Susie whispered conspiratorially. "Was I surprised when he confessed to me."

"Really, who was that?"

"The one in the pink wig and dark glasses."

"Never! I could have made a fool of Barry Horrocks there. If I'd been a younger man, I would have been chatting her up myself."

"Like those unsuspecting lads who were flirting with a pair of Leelas - I enjoyed watching that," Susie smiled. "What do you think about boys who like to masquerade as girls, Denise?"

"I have more pressing things on my mind at the moment," I replied edgily.

"I'm sure you must have, my dear," Horrocks sympathised. "I see you didn't manage to get the ring on your finger. Teenage bride to be rescues blotto groom from bomb horror," he mused. "I'll show that jumped-up editor and his media studies crew." He looked around in frustration. "Where's that bloody photographer wandered off to?"

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. "We're not getting married and there's no story. Come on, let's go."

"Manners, Denise - you mustn't be rude to a gentleman of the press. There's nothing lost in being civil." Susie turned to Horrocks. "Finding out the truth about Russell has been a shock. Better now, than getting a nasty surprise later, though - that's what I say."

"Ah, let me get this down." He took out a notebook. "Who needs a laptop?" He muttered. "Bloody fragile things - sit on one and it's kaput. You can't beat the old pencil and paper. Right, did he turn to the bottle because you jilted him?"

"No, you've got it all wrong."

"Ah, so you realised at the last minute he had a drink problem and decided not to go through with it." He wiped his brow. "I wish I'd done the same with the first Mrs Horrocks - and the second for that matter."

"There you are, Denise," Susie put her arm around me. "I told you not to feel badly about it - listen to what a wise man of the world has to say."

"I don't know about that, but I've certainly learned from bitter experience," he sighed. "It's a Thai bride for me next time."

"You want to be careful there; you may get more than you bargained for. Denise's uncle found himself married to a ladyboy."

I groaned inwardly - I knew I was going to be drawn into more of her nonsense. "I wish you wouldn't bring that up, Susie. It was a fuss over nothing - they're very happy together."

"After my first three, I'm willing to give anyone a try," he reflected. "Although, I suppose it wouldn't do any harm to cast my net a bit wider and avoid any chance of possible embarrassment."

"As long as you don't haul in a Japanese girl," Susie giggled. "You wouldn't want her introducing herself as Mrs B. Horrocks,"

"You're as bad as bloody Spooner in the office," he snorted, before turning to me. "Can we get back to you my dear, before the law arrives and moves us all on."

"There's nothing to tell. I'm not a bride to be. We just came across a helpless drunk and carried him out - end of story."

"I think I know a better story," he smiled. "Let's see now. You lifted your veil at the altar and stared into the bloodshot eyes of your husband-to-be. A chill went down your spine when you realised you would soon have to surrender your maidenhood to this drunken beast. Such a prospect hardened even as loving a heart as yours."

"You must be psychic," Susie broke in, "but Denise wasn't being selfish - she's the kind of girl who would do anything to please her lover. But now there's someone more important - she has to think of her baby's welfare."

"Please, Susie." I signalled her to stop, but she put her head under my veil and whispered in my ear. "It's time for a fairy tale, Jeffrey - and make it a good one."

She squeezed my bottom in encouragement. "Susie's making excuses for me," I yelped. "The truth is since I was a little child I've been obsessed with the idea of being a bride."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Denise. It can't have helped that your mother made you wear her wedding dress for line dancing."

"Oh, I was mad keen on it."

"You were at a very impressionable age - dressing up young children, and older ones for that matter, can have unforeseen consequences. Like you and your false fingernail fetish - stop admiring them."

"I'm not. I'm so ashamed that I just don't know where to look. There are no excuses for me. I've behaved terribly. I tricked poor old Russell into marriage - but somehow he discovered my little secret."

"Woman, thou art a born deceiver, as I said to the third Mrs Horrocks or was it the second - no it was all of them."

"I wanted to break it to him gently. I don't know how he found out. I was sure it didn't show."

"It doesn't, Denise: I told him."

"Oh, Susie, you didn't."

"I'm afraid so - and I described in graphic detail how you lost it at the Asda to Max and Robbie."

"How could you make up such horrible lies?" I sobbed. "I thought you were my best friend."

"Yes, how could you," Horrocks interrupted. "It's obvious Denise is not that kind of a girl."

"You can say that again - I've got my standards. I wouldn't be caught dead round the back of Asda; it was Sainsbury's car park - on the backseat of a Volvo."

"I'm really sorry, Denise - I wanted to make you look cheap. I had to do something - I'm desperately in love with you."

"But I want babies, Susie."

"Well, you've got one."

"But, I want a brood and you lack some vital equipment."

"I've everything you need - a syringe and a cooperative little brother."

"Girls, girls - too much detail, let's get back to the daring rescue."

"I thought you wanted some juicy background material," Susie pouted.

"An old hand like me can make that up himself," he snorted. "Just tell me about the bomb drama."

He paused and swallowed hard in a vain attempt to get up some wind. "Hell, now another load of air's gone down there - I feel like I'm going to explode."

I moved behind Susie out of the firing line. "In the olden days, they'd lay a person down and get someone to dance on his stomach - a sort of foot massage."

"I'm not sure about that, Denise. The way you're dressed and the age difference - the excitement might be too much for him to bear."

"I didn't actually mean me, but you're right, those sort of actions could be misinterpreted."

"All too easily - he's groaning away already."

"I'm desperate: please give it a try, my dear."

"You do it, Susie, I don't want to take my shoes off and these heels might injure him."

"I'll risk it, dear - at least I'd die happy."

"If you want to be trampled on, I think you're better waiting for a policewoman," Susie suggested. "A pair of size nine clodhoppers if you're lucky and she'll be in uniform."

"I can't wait for that." He reached out towards us. "Please help me."

"How about a foot each, Susie?" I appealed to her.

She didn't have time to reply.

"Oooer." His hand shot up to his collar.

"He's gone a whiter shade of pale, Denise."

"Ooooer, who turned out the lights?"

"Look at that, Susie - his eyes have actually rolled up under his eyelids."

"Oooooer." He clutched the top of his head and tottered forward.

"Grab him, Susie." We caught Horrocks before he fell and lowered him carefully to the ground alongside Slope.

"You've seen off another one, Denise."

"What did I do?" I asked indignantly.

"You shouldn't have got him so worked up."

"What do you mean - 'worked up'?"

"A young girl volunteering to walk all over him in high heels. I don't know what gets into you, Denise."

"It was only idle banter - I didn't expect to be taken seriously," I protested. "You can't blame me for his collapse - I bet he's been shovelling grub down all afternoon."

"Your offer probably pushed him over the edge. The dangers of sex on a full stomach are well-known - especially for overweight middle-aged men."

I bent down over him. "He's still breathing - stop trying to scare me, Susie."

She gave his stomach a tentative prod. "It feels like it's been pumped up. I suppose we should leave him to the professionals - unless you've any more bright ideas."

"If he were a cow, we could stick a knife in his side and let the gas out."

"That sounds pretty drastic."

"It's an emergency measure. Still, he's not a cow, we haven't a knife and it's a messy business - all sorts of gunk shoots out."

"Nuff said, Jeffrey - sometimes, I wish you weren't so widely read. There's something to be said for dizzy blondes."

"Sorry, I'll dye my hair for you at half term," I joked.

"You've read my mind," Susie grinned. "That'll fit in nicely with my latest idea for us."

Before I could answer I heard a groaning behind me and felt a hand flailing at my dress.

"Watch out, Denise - a face full of skirt has given the rotting dead a will to live."

I leapt away as Slope sat up. I was behind my veil when he shook his head and looked to one side of me. "Which one of you is my Barbie?"

"Neither of us."

"Who said that?"

"I did."

"Don't both speak at once it - I can't keep up. Oh, my head hurts."

"Serves you right," Susie scolded.

"Now you're doing it - are you twins? I can't tell you apart."

"Do we look like twins?"

"Wait a minute, I know you - you're Susie Jones. What's going on - why are there two of you?"

"I'm not Susie Jones."

"I know that: you're my dream girl. At least, one of you is. I wish you'd lift up those veils - they're confusing me."

I raised my hand. "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Eight."

"How many people can you see?"

"Four - two sets of twins. Who are you?"

He struggled to his knees. "Help me up, Barbie."

"Come on, Susie - before he tries to act out some of his fantasies."

"Don't go." Slope lurched forward and made a grab for my dress. I jumped back and he collapsed on all fours.

"Aaarrrrgggghhhhh." He threw up in front of me. "Aaaaah, that's better," he sighed. "I'm so sleepy - tuck me in and kiss me goodnight, Barbie."

He pitched forward into his vomit and commenced snoring.

"He's really sending them home - do you think he'll be okay, Susie?"

"His nose will still be blocked from the bop you gave it on Wednesday, that's all."

"I suppose they'll both be okay. Somebody's bound to be along soon. Perhaps we should leave a note explaining their condition."

"I'll have to write it in lipstick on their foreheads."

"Better not, we'll just have to wait until someone official turns up. Honest, Susie - I don't know how I'm coping with all this."

"You've been a brave girl, Denise - come here. In all the excitement, I haven't properly kissed my bride."

I gave myself up to Susie as she crushed me to her. "I have to tell you," I gasped, " this is wonderfully erotic."

"For me too, Denise."

I closed my eyes as Susie worked her hand on my breast and her tongue in my mouth, and we were both oblivious to the series of clicks.

"Go to it, girls - these are just for my private collection."

We broke up and turned towards the voice. "Another bloody pervert - scream for the police, Denise."

"Steve Spooner of the Shoreham Gazette, just doing my job." He carried on clicking away. "That's it - stare lovingly into each other's eyes."

"We're in shock from our brush with death," I ventured by way of explanation. "Everything's topsy-turvy."

"Yes, we're a couple of innocent schoolgirls; you'll get in trouble taking unauthorised pictures."

"You can't interfere with the freedom of the press," he grinned. "Don't worry, I've a couple of sweet poses for public consumption." He turned to me. "Your hubby won't suspect a thing."

"Don't be so bloody silly - Denise isn't married. She was in the middle of a modelling job when the alarm went off and all hell broke loose."

"Ah, I should have known, there's a lot of girls like you in the fashion world."

"I think you're mixing us up with tennis players. Anyway, I'm not a professional, I was just a volunteer from the audience."

"Don't be so modest, Stephanie was very impressed with you." Susie put her arm around me. "She said that Denise could make a career of it."

"I've no doubt about that; perhaps I can help her." He handed over a card to Susie. "If she wants some pictures for a portfolio, I'm more than willing to oblige. I might be able to steer a few jobs her way - you never know - give me your number."

"No, mum wouldn't like it."

Susie took the pen and wrote down her number. "We may as well keep our options open."

Spooner gave me an encouraging wink before turning his attention to the two bodies. "I suppose I'd better get back to doing my job." He started clicking away. "What's been going on here with old Hairy Bollocks?"

"You shouldn't talk like that about a hero," Susie protested. "Tell him, Denise."

"That's right, he staggered all the way down to here with that young drunk over his shoulder."

"Kicking and punching him all the way," Susie added, "but he soldiered on regardless."

"That's not like old Hairy - he's a look out for number one man."

"It sometimes takes a crisis to bring out the real person underneath," I suggested.

"Like with you and Susie," he smirked.

"Can we forget that and concentrate on your friend's heroism."

"Go on."

"Well, he laid him down and the tosspot thanked Mr Horrocks by being sick and passing out."

"Then your friend complained of feeling dizzy," Susie continued. "It was something to do with a cucumber, but we didn't press him for details. It's not a topic young girls should discuss with an older man."

"I think we should mention the half dozen Alka-seltzer. Quite honestly, it all sounded a bit scary to me - I hope it doesn't put any ideas in your head, Susie."

"Cucumbers will never be part of my five a day, Denise."

"Thank God for that."

Spooner had been giving Horrocks the once-over. "He's been pigging out on the buffet again. Oh well, these two seem to be the only casualties. It looks like you're going to make the front page again, Hairy old son - but not in the way you wanted."

"We'll leave them in your hands. Come on, Denise - we don't want your mother getting in a state when she finds out what's happened?"

"I'll ring you if you don't ring me first. Bye, girls - be good to each other and be careful. You never know who's watching."

 

Chapter 22

"Our photo will be in the local paper," I groaned as we tagged on to a line of stragglers making their way down the drive.

"That's hardly likely, there's no story to go with it. By the time Horrocks is in a fit state to write anything, he'll already have been hailed a hero. That should ensure he keeps quiet about us."

"I hope you're right."

"Of course I am," Susie smirked. "And you have to admit it was pretty nifty the way I extricated you from another tricky situation."

"Which you got me into."

"Not entirely."

"Whatever," I sighed. "But I can't help thinking ours was just the sort of picture to brighten up page three. I bet we still had that look in our eyes."

"We always have that look in our eyes."

"Are we as blatant as that?"

"I'm afraid so, Denise. Wait until you see the pictures. Steve Spooner, Shoreham Gazette - we'll google him and see where he's posted them."

"I don't suppose there's much chance of someone we know running across them. The Web's a big place and it's hardly likely we've any friends in common."

"And nobody at school reads the Gazette."

"Except the teachers."

"Jeffrey's nowhere to be seen. They won't associate you with a blurry picture of Susie and Denise."

"I wish I had your confidence. Slope recognised me and he was befuddled."

"All sorts of images were floating around in his head. He was having a drunken dream. He'll remember nothing - this will be his lost weekend."

"I just hope you're right."

"I am. Come on, cheer up - now you know Slope's little secret."

"That's no comfort, Susie. Imagine what must be going through his head when he looks at me."

"No thanks, I'd have to be paid to do that. It can be an unpleasant occupation delving into some people's minds - my thoughts are turning in other directions. How do you think I'd fare as Susie Jones, intrepid girl reporter?"

"It'd be a pity not to use your great gift. Why not combine the two and become an agony aunt?"

"You're developing a definite catty streak as Denise."

"That was Jeffrey speaking who wants to find a taxi, get home and be changed before his mother comes in."

"But you promised we'd have some time together as newlyweds."

"You've got from now until we arrive home. Once there, no messing about - I don't want to risk any more misunderstandings."

"But we make such a lovely couple."

"An unusual couple - I only hope the driver can keep his eyes on the road."

"A taxi it is then," Susie grinned. "We can give the backseat a workout."

"We'll have to use the cash you got off Stephanie."

"What's happened to your emergency money?"

"Nothing: it's just inaccessible. Thanks to your silly bloody outfit having no pockets, I had to put it in my piggy bank - Pinky and Perky are looking after it at the moment."

"Can't you dig it out?"

"Not now: I can't get down there."

"Well, that wasn't one of your brightest ideas."

"I didn't know then I was going to be laced up tighter than a duck's arse," I complained. "What's worse, Stephanie seemed to be well up on her knots - I hope you'll be able to unravel them, Susie."

"You need have no fears on that score, I managed to confine Mikey to the garden shed for a whole day. Boy, did I get in trouble for that!"

"You deserved to."

"I hold my hand up, Jeffrey; it was foolish of me to leave him tied up alone. Don't worry - I've learned my lesson."

"Never mind that, can you get me out of this when the time comes?"

"I'll undo them with my teeth if I have to."

"That'd be fitting - it's thanks to your tongue I'm trussed up like this. So the least you can do is use the money to pay the fare."

"I may not have quite enough cash, Jeffrey."

"Well, how much did you get?"

"I think I may have slightly misled you."

"You've been telling me porkies again."

"Let's say I was economical with the truth. It was a matter of honour; we'd shaken hands on the deal."

"But no money changed hands."

"Don't make a fuss - you've had a wonderful experience."

"I'm out of pocket again," I groaned. "We'll never get paid now."

"You still have the dress - that's gilt-edged security. And you can't put a price on the fun you're having in it."

"At least, I look respectable. If I leave you in the cab, they'll trust me to go inside for the money."

"Problem solved. Let's get a move on. If we get home well before your mum, you'll have time to do your bride's striptease for me."

"And get caught in the act, no doubt. Forget it - I've had enough of fulfilling other people's fantasies today."

I felt a tug on my skirt. "Oh, what now, Susie - have I snagged a rose bush?"

"No, I think you've attracted a new admirer."

I turned and saw a little girl looking up at me. "Are you a fairy princess?"

She held out her hand to me. I sighed and took it. "I don't know about that."

"There's supposed to be lots of fairies where we live, but I've never seen one."

"Oh, where's that, then?" I asked.

"The Isle of Man. Are you on holiday from there too?"

"How clever of you to guess," Susie beamed. "But don't tell anyone else - it's our little secret."

"What's her name?"

"Denise: she's Fairy Princess Denise."

The child gazed at me wide-eyed. "Are you really?"

"Yes," I smiled, "but you mustn't expect too much - I'm very junior royalty. I don't do much more than wear fancy clothes."

"Can you fly?"

"Not right now. The wings on my Tinkerbell costume need repairing and the elves are on strike."

"Is your friend an elf?"

"No, that's my faithful companion, Pixie Susie. My word is her command."

Susie gave a little bow and took the child's other hand. "What's your name?"

"Holly Quality." She screwed up her face. "That's not quite right - it makes Daddy laugh, but Mummy shushes him. She says he's lucky to have two ladies of quality to take care of such a grumpy old man."

"Where are your mummy and daddy?"

"Somewhere - I wanted to see the rest of the fireworks. Swing me along."

"Let's try over there, Susie." I pointed to a couple that were checking the remaining cars.

"I don't want to go this way - there are no fireworks."

"A little pixie's first duty is to look after me."

"But I'm not a pixie."

"You're an honorary one; Susie sprinkled you with magic fairy dust."

"I can't see it."

"That's because it's invisible," Susie explained. "I've covered Princess Denise in clouds of the stuff. That's why she's so pretty and feminine."

"Yes, I don't know what I'd do without Pixie Susie," I confessed. "Although sometimes, I wish she wouldn't get so carried away."

Susie smiled down at Holly. "We pixies know best how to dress up our princesses, don't we?"

"You're lucky to have a real live Barbie to play with."

Susie laughed. "Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings."

"Here come her mum and dad - behave yourself." I warned.

Susie bowed. "To hear is to obey, my lady."

"We'll have to keep on with this princess and pixie thing, it evens up the odds." I grinned. "By the way, do you want to bet part of your winnings they're called Qualtrough?"

Susie thought about it. "No, not with someone who has fairy powers at her command."

"Holly Qualtrough, come here, you naughty girl - where have you been?"

We released her and she ran to her parents. "I've met a fairy princess and I'm a honey pixie now."

I turned to Susie "Why didn't you take the bet - it's an unusual name."

"Not in the Isle of Man."

"Fancy you knowing that - I can't win at anything."

"Don't give up, Denise - your day will come."

"I think you mean our day will come," Susie.

"Not a taxi to be had," Susie announced. "The mass exodus has swamped them. How about getting a tram?"

"I don't know ... I'm hardly dressed for public transport."

"Just think of the money you'll save. Come on, pick up your skirts and make with the dainty steps."

We linked arms and set off to the nearest stop. "When we get on, we're not behaving like refugees from a disreputable hen night."

"What are we going to do then?"

"I'm sitting quietly behind my veil and I hope you'll spend the whole journey staring fixedly out of the window."

"Someone may be curious about you."

"No wild stories: I was on a modelling assignment interrupted by the bomb scare."

"Get you, Denise - a modelling assignment."

"Well, it was," I huffed, "and a bloody good job I made of it. You heard Stephanie - I'm a natural."

"I can't argue with you there, Jeffrey."

"What's more, I took it seriously - I wasn't tempted to act the giddy goat like a certain person I know. Denise gave it her all."

"She likes to show off."

"I know, I know - you don't have to tell me. I do things as Denise I'd never even consider as Jeffrey. I'm definitely developing a split personality."

"You don't blame me, do you?"

"You've no need to worry - they're both mad about you. Give me your hand and let's swing along together."

Susie matched my steps. "I have to say, you're moving very gracefully It's funny, as Jeffrey, the most boyish thing about you is your slouch."

"I do it on purpose: the last thing I need is to be light on my feet - my bum would be black and blue."

"Still, the change in your bearing is amazing."

"Not when I'm dressed like this - you give it a try."

"Oh, I wouldn't mind, but just remember - for the most part Denise will be playing the girly girl. It suits her better."

"You don't have to remind me," I confessed. "I'm only too aware how she revels in the discipline of skirt and heels."

"Does looking like you've stepped off the cover of 'Miss Teen Bride of the Year' turn her on as well?"

"Let's just say that I find it interesting."

"Admit it: Denise can't believe her luck; she'd be happy for this to be compulsory school uniform."

"Only if she was attending one of those posh finishing schools. But that's an impossible dream for a simple girl like me," I sighed.

"How about the 'Susie Jones Academy for Singular Young Ladies' - personal tuition a speciality."

"I thought I was already attending that and I was her star pupil." Susie smiled and I slapped my forehead - but not too hard. "I shouldn't be talking like this - it'll only give you even more bizarre ideas."

"We've only just begun," she warbled.

"White lace and promises," I joined in as we skipped along.

"There's a landau."

"They only go up and down the prom."

"Perhaps he'll do a favour for a stranded bride."

"It'd be an expensive one."

"Wouldn't you like to pretend we were being driven off on our honeymoon?"

"My bridal dreams don't include looking up the backside of a horse. They can walk and shit at the same time, you know, Susie."

"You don't much like horses, do you, Jeffrey?"

"I'm wary of them, Susie."

"I seem to remember you moaning about their smell - what was it you said?"

"Something that amused you - I think Princess Denise had better not repeat it."

"Go on."

I shook my head. "I'm staying in character; I'm ignorant of such things. All I know is that horses are big powerful animals with a brain no bigger than a small fist. They're unpredictable - it's best to keep your distance."

"Wouldn't Denise like to experience galloping across the countryside on a thoroughbred with the wind in her hair?"

"No: Jeffrey's donkey ride on the beach as a kid was quite enough. I can still remember the pong and having to hang on like grim death. I was bouncing up and down and slipping and sliding all over that saddle."

"It sounds like an erotic experience."

"I was too young for that, but it does make me wonder about cousin Carol's unbridled enthusiasm for her horse."

"Your rejection still rankles, eh Jeffrey?"

"Not since I met you, Susie. But just for the record - do girls have orgasms horseback riding?"

"I'm sure I don't know - do you want me to find out?"

"No: I wouldn't want to risk losing your affections."

"I was only going to google it - you're not getting me up on a bloody horse. My first orgasm on the move will be in my new car - and don't worry, you'll be coming with me."

"That sounds risky. Say we were pulled over - it has to be more serious than using a mobile phone. How many points would it be on your licence?"

"None at all. It falls into the same category as you blowing my nose for me."

"You may have trouble convincing a court."

"I would have had my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road the whole time - case dismissed."

"When you come to think of it, I suppose sneezing at the wheel is the more dangerous. You haven't got hay fever have you, Susie?"

"You need have no fears on that score, Jeffrey - I'll be able to drive with my eyes closed. Oh, I can't wait until we're off on some mystery tours together."

"Joking aside, I wish you didn't have such a motoring obsession."

"I should have thought after this little lot you'd appreciate the advantages of my having a car."

"I have been thinking about it, Susie - and I've decided that subject to a minor modification I'll be happy to take my place alongside you."

"I suppose that means you'll want to take out the engine and fit a pair of pedals."

"Not at all - I've decided that a large steel spike fitted on the steering wheel and pointing directly at your chest will be a major contribution to road safety."

"Bloody trams - that's the third one which hasn't even looked like stopping."

"They've all been full, Susie; we should have walked into town to get one."

"A knight of the road's first instinct should be to help two ladies in obvious distress."

"They're not lorry drivers - and don't you go suggesting we hitch a lift," I warned. "We'll probably end up in Ireland."

"Or a harem. Go on, Jeffrey, stick up your thumb and see what happens."

"Not tonight, Susie. We've had a full day already - let's wait until next week for our encounter with a serial killer."

"Can you come up with a better idea?"

"Mum will be back by now, we'll have to ask her to pick us up. What on earth she's going to think of all this I don't know."

"Cheer up, Jeffrey and let's make the most of it. After I've explained to your mother how you stepped into my shoes, we can spend the rest of the night seeing how kiss proof your lipstick really is."

"Showing off some courting couple behaviour for mum's benefit wouldn't be a bad idea," I mused.

"Snogging Princess Denise in front of her mother - I'm willing to give it a go."

"No," I spluttered, "I meant with me as Jeffrey. I've been too enthusiastic about Denise as it is - I need to give mum a more balanced view."

"I can't see any harm in it," Susie huffed. "After all, you will be kissing me."

"But I'll be the one swept off her feet. There'll be no doubt who's enjoying being a girl."

"I could cry out - 'you're the only boy for me, Jeffrey' - what about that?"

"I think it would have to be more of a howl."

"For you, Jeffrey - I can manage a roar."

"I'd have to fondle your breasts and not the other way around. I don't want you drawing attention to my girly bits - you stick to groping my bum."

"Message understood, Jeffrey."

"Stop grinning and ring mum while I think what I'm going to say."

"Hello Mrs Smith, it's Susie."

"Yes, we're both fine."

"Okay."

"Here, she wants to hear your voice, Jeffrey." Susie handed over her phone.

"There's no need to worry, we're both all right, mum."

"No, we were well clear. It was only a little bang - probably just a firework."

"That's nice. It's a pity I'll miss them."

"Of course I'm presentable."

"Yes, I know exactly what you mean."

"Here comes the tram; I'll have to go if you want me home in time."

"Love you too, mum - see you in about an hour - bye for now."

I handed the phone back to Susie. "You'd think it was black cats I've been killing and not dogs."

"What's going on, Jeffrey - why didn't you ask your mum to pick us up?"

"Mum's expecting company."

"Oh dear."

"Never mind 'Oh dear' - this is another fine mess."

Susie scratched her head. "Sorry, Ollie - is it someone you'd rather not meet as Denise."

"Definitely. I only hope they've gone when we finally reach home. I can hardly hang around outside dressed like this."

"Wouldn't it be better to go by way of our house, anyway; you could wait there and then make a discreet return home via the back garden."

"I'm not sure I want Princess Denise to meet your mum and dad."

"She won't have to - they're out for the night, or I could have rung them to come and get us."

"If we can get back in time, I'll be able to change at your house and I won't have to explain anything to anybody."

Susie looked down the track. "Don't get your hopes up. What time do the trams stop running on Sundays?"

"I don't know, but I think I'd better resign myself to a long explanation and a long walk home."

"You're hardly dressed for that."

"Don't worry," I sighed, "the way things are going, it wouldn't surprise me if I ended up competing in next year's London Marathon in this get-up."

"My name will be the first on the sponsor sheet," Susie beamed.

"There'll be no need for that - running alongside me in a gorilla suit will be support enough."

"No way," she snorted. "Don't even joke about such a thing, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie - even as I spoke, I saw myself having to play Fay Wray to your King Kong."

"Believe it or not, I've never wanted to dress up as a giant monkey. You can be Fay Wray, but I'd rather be Sheena, Queen of the Jungle."

"They don't go together."

"We can use our imagination. I rescue you and take you to my tree house. I have to comfort you and one thing leads to another. Two innocent girls who don't really know what they're doing."

"Oh, give over."

"No, it's taking my mind off the prospect of another hike home. Thursday was bad enough - would you really mind if your mother picked us up?"

"Her visitors are nosy buggers - I wouldn't be able to keep out of their way."

"What if she told them you were being sponsored for charity? It'd save us a long slog - my feet are burning already."

"Better a blister on your foot than a blister on mum's tongue."

"Have a heart," she pleaded. "You could do it easy - look how you coped with meeting Mikey and my parents."

"Maybe so, but there's no way I'm going to introduce Denise to Uncle Bob, with his fondness for cheek rubbing, and Aunt Jane, who sits there gloating while he ravishes me."

"They sound like an odd couple, Jeffrey."

"You can say that again. He's a fish, fur and feather man and she's a skinny, vain clotheshorse. Except for the fact they both bring pleasure whenever they leave, they've nothing in common. They don't even seem to like each other - I can't imagine why they got married."

"But you don't know what goes on in the bedroom when the curtains are drawn."

"And I certainly don't want to. I've already had enough insights into the pair of them. I think they may be somewhat lacking in the finer feelings."

"Go on, this is all grist to my mill - and I'm just plain nosy."

"One of my earliest memories is a Sunday morning Uncle Bob took me to feed his chickens. He asked which one I liked the best. I pointed out a white speckled one. He caught it, wrung its neck and started plucking it."

"A traumatic experience for you, Jeffrey."

"Not at the time; I probably thought it was like in a cartoon. I enjoyed my dinner - I got the breast."

"But it's coloured your attitude toward him in later life."

"That and all the other stuff he thinks I should be interested in. Frightening me with his ferrets doesn't help either - you never know when he's going to pull one out of his pocket. He's popular at the golf club, though - he keeps it free of rabbits. He delights in shooting anything that moves."

"Can't see the sport in that. Taking on a lion armed only with a spear - that would get the adrenaline flowing, but a bunny with a shotgun - no way. I prefer a more well-matched contest," Susie grinned. "Know what I mean, Jeffrey?"

"Only too well, Susie - only too well."

We smiled at each other. "Carry on, what about your aunt?"

"She doesn't like any of us. Gran never wanted Uncle Bob to marry her and things went downhill from then on. I don't know all the gory details, but she causes a lot of friction in the family."

"This sounds interesting, perhaps I could get an essay out of it."

"Don't go asking mum anything," I warned. "It's a touchy subject."

"I know how to tip-toe around a delicate matter - I can extract information without people realising it. A pick-pocket of the mind - that's me. Now, how have you upset your wicked old aunt?"

"I'm gran's favourite and I'm the boy. She's afraid her Carol may miss out on something."

"Because you're the one who's going to carry on the family name."

"That's what she thinks, but she's wrong. We're two of a kind. Gran sees herself in me and everyone's always told me, you're just like your gran - you've got her brains."

"Was she your role model, Jeffrey?"

"Her and mum. Gran was the one I got my love of learning from, but I was always a mother's boy. Aunt Jane is forever saying I should have been the girl and Carol the boy."

"Would you have liked that?"

"The way I'm behaving at the moment there'd seem to be only one answer, but it's really more complicated than that," I sighed. "I would probably have grown up a misfit girl instead of a misfit boy."

"Denise would have got along nicely - she's a very attractive person and she wouldn't have had your hang-ups."

"Thank you, Susie, but she may not have turned out the same way. Denise could have been an unpleasant selfish snob without Jeffrey's angst and confusion."

"Many are the uses of adversity," Susie smiled.

"Anyway, this is pointless speculation - you can never know what it would have been like to be someone else."

"Unless you believe in the transmigration of souls."

"Please, Susie - no more psychological nonsense."

"It's not. It's a deep philosophical question. I bet you're thinking about that sort of thing all the time."

"Not lately - I've had more immediate problems to consider. Anyway, all the big stuff is a complete mystery - you'll never get an answer."

"Carpe diem - that's a practical philosophy, Jeffrey."

"I suppose so, but I hope there's more to it than that."

"There's us, Jeffrey. I'm satisfied with that - and of course my profound understanding of the human condition."

"Yeah well, just keep in mind we're all fallible - including you. Now, let's come down to earth and make a start."

"I've had an idea how we can save some shoe leather, Jeffrey."

"Are we going to take turns giving each other piggy-backs?"

"No," Susie snorted. "Something we should have thought of before - I'm going to give Harriet a call."

"What good will that do?"

"She'll be with Max - and you can't fault me on that piece of matchmaking, Jeffrey."

"But how does that help us?"

"He's got a car and they're probably in it right now."

"Then, they won't want to be interrupted, Susie."

"It's still light, Jeffrey. It can't do any harm to ask - should I ring them?"

"Get on with it," I sighed. "On Thursday, they saw me as Lolita - it should come as no big surprise to them that on Sundays I like to dress up as Snow White."

"I don't know why you're worried, we can give a perfectly rational explanation for your situation."

"Only if I were a girl, Susie - and even then rational is not the word I would use."

"Nonsense, it could have happened to anyone."

"As long as they had you planning things for them."

"It's thanks to me Harriet's happy to accept you as Denise," Susie huffed. "Just don't keep reminding her of Jeffrey by moaning about what your mum might say."

"That's all very well, but what about Max - we don't know how he's going to react."

"Harriet's probably spun him such a cock-eyed yarn that he's none the wiser. Anyway, there's no danger. He likes you and I'll soon sort out any little misunderstandings. Don't forget, I have a way with words."

"You don't have to remind me. I know whatever situation we find ourselves in, I can rely on you to obfuscate matters."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, it's nice to be appreciated."

"Just one thing, Susie: please don't ask Max for a driving lesson."

"The thought never crossed my mind, Jeffrey."

"Yes it did."

"Only fleetingly - I know my first responsibility tonight is to get you home safely."

"Keep that at the forefront of your thoughts."

"I'll content myself with wangling an invitation out to his farm. How do you fancy a spin in a tractor?"

"Call her, before I change my mind."

Susie took out her phone and then hesitated. "I've just had a thought: Slope's got a car, hasn't he?"

"I don't know - he's older than we are - he may have. Hey, you can forget that," I exclaimed. "We're not going back and stealing it."

"Steady, Jeffrey, I was thinking what a lucky girl Denise is: three potential suitors and all with cars. How does she do it?"

"She doesn't know and she doesn't want to know," I spluttered. "Make the call."

"It's Susie - have I got news for you."

"We were right in the middle of it."

"The fact is we're stuck without transport home."

"That'd be great."

"You won't be disappointed. We've another little surprise for you as well."

"Thanks, Harriet. See you - bye."

I threw up my hands. "Another little surprise - her eyes will pop out when she sees me. Just you make clear your part in all this."

"Will do," she grinned. "Now, let's get over to the right side for Max to pick us up." Susie circled my waist and pulled my arm around her. "Dashing white horses, Denise."

I was forced to join her in prancing across the road. "Can't you behave yourself," I protested, "people will think we're a couple of chorus girls."

"Perish the thought - nothing was further from my mind."

"I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies."

"What has crossed my mind is a little idea for Halloween."

"Susie, let's focus on getting home and getting me back into trousers."

"I'm trying to take your mind of the situation."

"Well, you aren't succeeding - Halloween and chorus girls make me nervous."

"You'll be a step up from that. How would you like to be my glamorous blonde magician's assistant?"

"Only if we're doing a Houdini act. With you in a straitjacket, I might have a fighting chance."

"I had something more upmarket than that in mind - we'll look very classy."

"I'm not being sawn in half or having my head chopped off."

"There's no fun in that - a little light bondage is what I had in mind. How does that appeal to you?"

"I'm not keen on you dressing as a man," I confessed. "When you mentioned wanting me blonde, I was hoping we were going to be the Abba girls - I think I could get away with that without too many repercussions."

"It's not very Halloweeny."

"No, but it seems the safest course for me. I bet lots of boys have had lesbian fantasies about the Abba girls. I have - and that was even before I met you."

"You're hardly typical."

"I know, but if you asked for volunteers, I'm sure there'd be a long queue."

"Possibly, but they wouldn't totally share your motives."

"I suppose not."

"One thing - you've certainly got the bottom for it."

"Thank you, Susie."

"No, thank you, Jeffrey - I was wondering how I could get you into a pair of hot pants."

Max pulled up at the side of the road. He and Harriet both did a double take when they saw me.

"Is that really Denise?" They chorused.

"Got up to the nines - can you get us to the church on time?" Susie laughed.

"Jump in the back and tell us what's been going on," Harriet urged.

 

Chapter 23

"I'm sorry to doubt you, but I find it really hard to believe Denise won a chess tournament."

"What about these?" Susie waved the cheques under Max's nose.

"Okay, okay, don't distract the driver - I'm convinced. It's just that I've never met a chess player before - I thought they'd be really weird." He turned to Harriet. "Ah well, it's not the first time Denise has surprised me with her hidden talents."

"Have you heard anything about me that's shocked you?"

"Farmers have seen it all; when you're breeding as many pigs as we do, you see a lot of Nature's little anomalies."

"Max!" Harriet scolded.

"It's all right: that's a very fair assessment. Max is being very understanding."

"I'm no stranger to this situation. We had a piglet with a problem like Denise. We made a pet of her and she had the run of the farm - she followed me everywhere. Miss Piggy was like one of the family."

"Did everyone start calling you Kermit," Susie broke in.

"Yes, they bloody did - it was the only downside. How did you know that?"

"It's what she would have done," I laughed.

"Well, keep it away from me," Harriet shuddered. "I don't fancy petting a pig, however tame."

"It's too late for that, I'm afraid - we had her for Christmas dinner five years ago. She was the sweetest bit of crackling - just like Denise."

"You're a bloody cannibal," Susie snorted. "What do you say, Denise?"

"Well, I wouldn't want to be shipwrecked on a desert island with him."

"Yes, that was really cruel," Harriet sniffed.

"It was just good husbandry," Max protested. "You can't become too attached to your stock."

"I suppose you can't be sentimental over animals if you're a country girl," Susie agreed.

"That's right, Harriet - you'll have to harden your heart if you're going to be a farmer's wife."

Susie nudged me in the ribs. "I told you so," she whispered and took the opportunity to nuzzle on my ear.

I drew my veil around us as she moved on to my lips.

"Stop that you two, we know what's going on under there - you're distracting Max."

"Susie's conducting a scientific experiment on my make-up," I gasped. "We have to find some way to get it off for school tomorrow."

"Lay back and let's try this." Susie worked herself on top of me. "You can keep piglets for pets; I'll settle for Denise's little puppies."

"Ah Max," Harriet squealed. "Keep your hands on the wheel. You'd better pull over if we're going to do that."

"Aw Susie, do that again."

Max turned his head. "What are you up to now?"

"Watch out!" Harriet screamed.

"Hell! Where did that bloody dog come from?"

Max swung the wheel over; the car mounted the pavement, before crashing through a fence into a field.

"Hold on, Susie," I cried as we rolled on the backseat.

"Everyone okay?" Max called out as we bumped along.

"We're fine - how about you?"

"All we've suffered is a flat front wheel; it could have been a lot worse."

"You were wonderful, Max." Harriet leant across and kissed him. "I wasn't scared for a second with you in charge."

"We don't have much luck with dogs, do we, Denise?" Susie muttered as she helped me out.

We all stood around surveying the damage. "The perfect end to a perfect day," I moaned.

"Cheer up, this is Mikey's school rugby pitch, at least you're in no danger of being chased by a bull."

"I'm more worried about a gang of school kids coming to gawk. Can you manage without us, Max? I'd rather not risk having to answer any questions."

"You get along; I'm a dab hand at changing wheels," he grinned. "If I need any help this is the fellow that should supply it."

A big shaggy alsatian had loped up. "Naughty boy, look what you've done," Harriet chided and then swiftly jumped back into the car when the beast showed an interest her.

"Come on, Susie, let's get out of here - I'm not dressed for dog difficulties. We're less than a mile from home; we'll walk the rest of the way."

We set off across the field, but the alsatian came after us. He began sniffing around me. "Shoo, go home."

"I told you these things happen in threes, Jeffrey."

"It's not dead, Susie."

"Not yet, but it's behaving oddly- you can't deny that."

"All dogs chase their tails - there's nothing unusual in that."

"Well, I don't think it can walk in a straight line. It will be your fault if it keels over - distracting Max with your cries of ecstasy."

"It still wouldn't count," I huffed and carried on towards the road.

"The dog's following you, Jeffrey."

"Get in between us, Susie - paw marks would really make a mess of this dress. I wish I didn't feel so responsible for it," I griped.

"You just want to keep in with Stephanie," Susie teased. "You're hoping to model for her again."

"I'd feel bad if we returned it in tatters, these dresses are so expensive, that's all. Perhaps we can divert it by playing fetch - look out for a stick."

"Okay, but if we find one, don't throw it into the road, - the last thing we need is any more accidents."

"Having it running around all excited isn't such a good idea anyway," I reflected. "Maybe it would be better if you poked the stick right up his nose. You'd be in command then."

"It sounds more like I'd have a tiger by the tail."

"Nonsense, that's how they control a bull, by the ring in its nose - it'll be practically the same."

"Well, if you want me to do that, Jeffrey, you'll have to find me a bloody long stick."

"Oh, never mind then, speed up and let's get out of this field."

The dog kept station behind me. "He has an adoring look in his eyes - maybe you should try and make friends with him, Jeffrey."

"I'd rather not. I feel defenceless. You know what they say - 'it's safer making peace with a pump in your hand'. Come on, wipe that grin of your face and think of a way to get rid of the brute."

"Leave this to me: I'd rather have started with something smaller after my last effort, but I can deal with it," Susie promised. "I've updated my doggy data. This time I got it from the website of someone with a wealth of practical experience. An ex-postman, no less, he'd been bitten twenty times and lost ten pairs of trousers."

"He doesn't sound the best person to be giving advice."

"He may be short a few fingers, but that was before he adopted his latest method of talking to the animals."

"Are you sure about this? Remember what happened last time you played Doctor Doolittle."

"Prince was a rogue male. You heard - he was a breeding machine. They were probably pumping him full of Viagra and testosterone - an explosive combination if there ever was one."

"I don't know about that, but this is an even bigger dog and he's in peak condition - look at the coat on him."

"Have no fear." She turned, thrust out her arm and hissed. "Ssssssitttttt!"

"What are you doing - trying to convince him there's a snake in the grass?"

"Ssssssitttttt! I'm emphasizing the consonants - that's the secret. There are no vowels in doggy language - they've no vocal cords. They're colour-blind as well," she added. "He's probably bemused by the vast expanse of white you're wearing."

"This is nonsense - stop it before you upset him."

"Ssssssitttttt!"

The dog ignored her and continued following me. "Maybe you should try it in German," I suggested.

"This is dog Esperanto. Ssssssitttttt, you daft sod."

"Perhaps he's deaf," I offered.

"Well then, I'll just have to quell the brute with the power of the human eye." Susie gazed fixedly at the dog.

"Give over, animals don't like being stared at - it's a hostile act. You'll only make things worse."

"Shut up, Jeffrey - don't distract me. This is a battle of wills."

"How can it be, Susie, he's not even looking at you anymore. Something else has got his attention."

"Come here, Wolf," a man in a flat cap, combat jacket and army boots shouted from the newly created gap in the fence.

"Your master's calling - bugger off, Wolf," Susie shouted and then turned to me. "Good job you favour Snow White and not Little Red Riding Hood."

The dog took no notice of his master and we all arrived together on the pavement. Wolf circled in and nuzzled my hand.

"He's a fine animal, isn't he?"

"Very nice," I conceded, "but I'm afraid he'll jump up at me."

"Don't worry," he doffed his cap, "we both know how to behave in the presence of a beautiful young lady. I'm Graham. What's your name?"

"I forget; I've just changed it."

He turned to Susie. "Your friend's teasing me. I've told you my name - what's yours?" Before she could answer he had more questions. "Are your boyfriends in the car? Where are you going?"

"Home: you'll have to excuse us - we're already late."

"Where do you live? I've a nice bungalow. It's not far - would you like to come for a cup of tea? I bet you like toast." He opened his jacket and rubbed his potbelly. "I eat too much of it."

I edged closer to Susie. "No thanks, we really haven't time. Get hold of your dog and stop him following us."

"He wants you for a special friend - you should be flattered."

"I am, but I'm nervous of dogs."

"Especially big dogs, "Susie added and put her arm around me.

"Careful, you'll make Wolf jealous. You two are very affectionate. Are you sisters?"

"Mind your own bloody business," Susie exploded. "You and your bloody dog have caused us enough trouble. Bugger off, the pair of you."

Susie took me by the arm and we stalked off. "Don't look back, Denise."

"You want to get away before the police come, don't you?" He shouted after us. "What have you been up to? I know you're only schoolgirls. Why are you dressed like that? Did you think you could book into a hotel with your boyfriend?"

Susie hurried me on. "I'd go back and floor the lousy creep if it wasn't for that bloody dog. It'd probably leap to his defence and have my throat out."

"I'm glad you're showing some sense at last. Keep going, we're on a busy main road - he can't do anything - he'll soon get fed up."

"It rankles though - running away from that little squirt."

Twenty yards on I felt a wet nose on my hand. "That dog's at it again; he won't leave me alone and his master's right behind him."

Susie stopped and turned. "If you don't stop this, we'll flag down a car."

"I'm not following you. I'm following Wolf; he won't let me put his lead back on."

"That's just an excuse. Bugger off, before you get yourself in serious trouble."

"It's your friend's fault; she's enticing him away - he's fascinated by the swish of her skirts."

"Pull the other one: he's a dog - not a sex pervert like you."

"No, it's true. He's always pulling me up behind women."

"I bet you trained him to do that."

"He's a wilful beast; I've always had trouble with him. The animal sanctuary didn't tell me the full story. I thought I was getting a real macho man's dog."

Wolf was sitting with his tongue hanging out, gazing up at me.

"Okay, give my friend the lead and she can clip it on for you."

"No, he'll never leave her then. He'll pull my arm out following her."

"Tie him to a lamppost until we're out of sight."

"I don't want to cross him; he's been a little temperamental lately. I don't think he appreciates my latest training attempts. I've only been trying to interest him in more manly pursuits, but he still growls if I walk in front of the telly when those dancing programs are on. His eyes are glued to those swirling skirts."

Susie rolled her eyes. "We're going home. If you follow us, I'll introduce you to my dad." she threatened. "He's a second row forward - tell him your fairy story."

"It would be better if you walked him to my house. I'll open a big tin of dog food and lock him in the kitchen. We can have a little drink together; you need a bracer after your accident."

"I know what your game is; come on, Denise."

"That's a lovely name. Don't take any notice of your friend. A nice girl like you shouldn't be going around with a tomboy like her - she'll lead you astray." He lunged at me. "You'll come home with me, won't you, Denise."

I jumped back. "Just let me feel your dress," he pleaded.

In his eagerness to get at me, he stepped on Wolf's foot. The dog yelped before turning and setting at his master with a threatening growl.

"Nasty man," I shouted, gave a shimmy of my hips, rustled my dress and swished my veil for good measure. "Sic him, Wolf." I pointed at our pursuer. "Sic him, boy. Get the horrible beast."

Graham backed off as the dog lowered his head, growled and slowly advanced towards him. "Call him off, please," he trembled.

"I think he wants to give you his paw," Susie laughed. "Show no fear and you'll be okay."

"Down boy, it's me. Down boy - Meaty Chunks, Meaty Chunks, I'm the one who feeds you."

"Take that." Susie took advantage of his preoccupation with Wolf to give him a kick up the backside.

He turned in surprise and the dog took the chance to deliver a bite to his ankle. Graham was triggered into flight and broke into a run.

"After him, boy." I urged Wolf on. "Get him, boy."

The dog took off in pursuit and seemed to be making a game of it as the chase continued back along the road.

"Come on, let's put some distance between us." I picked up my skirts and started to run.

"I seem to be getting a lot of extra exercise since I met you, Jeffrey," Susie puffed when we finally slowed to a walk.

"It'll stand you in good stead. I didn't want to get sweaty or I would have carried on. In this get-up, that was quite an exhilarating experience," I confessed.

"Calm down, Denise," Susie smiled. "Tell me how you took control of Wolf, back there."

"I've no idea. I suppose a man may cause his own dog to bite him."

"You're too modest."

"Not at all: it must have been all down to the dress." I gave a little twirl. "Though you must admit, I do wear it well."

Susie gave me a smack on the bottom. "Funny sort of a dog to have such an interest in women's clothes."

"I can't fault him there - they do have a certain fascination all of their own to an outsider."

"Do you think dogs can be of your persuasion, Jeffrey?"

"No, that sort of thinking is beyond them. It's like - there are happy dogs, but none of them know they are happy."

"Perhaps it had something to do with his previous owner."

"Maybe he belonged to someone into ballroom dancing," I suggested.

"Or dressing up dogs - there's a website for people who dress up their dogs as bees."

"I wish you'd be more cautious when you're surfing, Susie - I dread to think what you may stumble across next."

 

Chapter 24

We made our way up to Susie's front door. "It's a good thing Denise has met Mikey or this could have been awkward for us, Jeffrey."

"It still could be, but I'm prepared for a certain amount of teasing."

"Don't worry, I'll sort him out if he goes too far."

"Wouldn't it be better to humour him, Susie? He probably secretly worships his big sister."

"He'd better," she laughed. "Otherwise he's really in for it."

She opened the door and we stood there looking at each other. "Come on, Susie, jump up."

She grinned and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Don't you dare drop me." I hoisted her into my arms and carried her over the threshold.

I sank down onto the sofa with her in my lap and we had a little kissing session. "We're weird, Susie."

"The weird sisters, right - but shouldn't there be three of them?"

"There are three of us in this relationship, that's what makes it weird."

"Speak for yourself - unusual is as far as I'm prepared to go." She pulled me up. "Come on, up the stairs, I want to get into my black trouser suit."

We passed Mikey's room. "Good, he's in there zapping away. That'll keep him out of our hair until we need him to take the pictures."

"If you must," I sighed. " But first, I should ring mum and let her know we're okay."

Susie closed the door behind her. "Here, do it now, while I get changed."

"Hello mum, I'm safe and sound at Susie's."

"No, I can't at the moment - you'll have to make some kind of excuse."

"I'd have to bring Denise with me - she's turned up unexpectedly."

"I would if I could, but I'm stuck with her for the rest of the night."

"You can't be overheard, can you?"

"A little make-up problem, that's all - it's nothing to worry about."

"If you must know, it's the twenty-four hour stuff bride's wear."

"Because it goes with the outfit - I've had a sort of makeover."

"Yes, the full works."

"No, it was done by a professional. I was her model."

"Yes, model."

"Not a catwalk, exactly."

"Well, I got a round of applause."

"It's hard to explain over the phone."

"Yes, I was wearing it then and I'm wearing it now."

"Since four o'clock."

"I have been through a bomb scare. That kind of took precedence."

"I'm not making excuses."

"No, of course not. I've been very discreet - I've behaved immaculately. You would be happy to have me as your daughter-in-law."

"I know I can't marry Jeffrey - I'm marrying Susie."

"The full get-up - do I have to?"

"Well, don't be shocked - even I find it hard to believe it's really me."

"Yes, I understand. Thanks, mum bye."

"That didn't sound too bad, Jeffrey."

"Mum's calling back when they've gone, but she's none too pleased at having to make up a story," I moaned. "If only relations weren't such nosy buggers. They'll know something fishy is going on. Mum isn't any good at lying."

"But otherwise, things are okay."

"Apart from the fact mum insists on seeing me in my full glory. It's bad enough she knows I'm dressed like this," I groaned. "But when she sees how I act, she'll know I'm not a reluctant bride. She's bound to get totally the wrong idea about me."

"We'll go together and you can show off some boy behaviour to your mum."

"Ah well, that's something to look forward to, but it'll probably only confuse her more."

Susie pulled on her jacket. "I'm ready."

"Are you sure about Mikey seeing us like this?"

"It couldn't be avoided anyway - I was supposed to get him his tea. He'll be barging in here any minute. It's too much to hope he's filled himself up with crisps and pop."

"It'll be interesting to see you as the little housewife," I smiled.

"Not tonight, I'm afraid. We have to get Mikey out of the way for when you want to go home. I'll be sending him down to the local chippy."

"Isn't he going to make a fuss?"

"We can afford to be generous," Susie smiled. "I'll give him a twenty and tell him he can keep the change - he'll be off like a shot."

"Where's the money coming from?"

"Turn round, Jeffrey, let me at those laces - we can't have your mum struggling with the knots."

"I knew it - you only want to get at my cash."

"It's only a loan - you know I'm good for it." She indicated the cheques on her dressing table. "We're in the money."

"Just so long as you don't forget the 'we'," I warned. "Go on, do your worst."

It didn't take Susie long. "Voila! The bride's released from her confinement and ready to show off her hidden delights."

I dug down and scooped out a note. "Here, with Mikey running around, that's all of my assets I'm showing."

"Thank you, kind Miss. I'll bring the camera over to your place; I'm going to get a shot of you in that underwear."

"Lace me back up - and just bows - no fancy knots, I don't want to have to sleep in it."

"I should have snaffled one of those bridal negligees for you. Then you could have enjoyed the wedding night experience as well."

"Not without you, Susie."

"You say the sweetest things, Jeffrey. Now brace yourself while Mistress Susie goes to work."

"Oof, go easy there - you're worse than Stephanie."

"I want you standing up nice and straight. You're beginning to slouch a little."

"That's scarcely surprising after the day I've had. It's been hard work, but I haven't complained. I've stuck at it - not that there's been much choice."

"Quit moaning, you've enjoyed every second of it - and now you'll have a little souvenir." Susie skipped over to the door and yelled. "I'm home, Mikey - come here, I want your help with something."

"I'm busy - you'll have to wait."

"There's money in it for you."

"In a minute."

Susie came back and stood alongside me. "He's on his way."

"You were supposed to make my tea; I'm hungry," he grumbled as he entered the room. "Where've you been until this time? I'll tell ..." He stopped in his tracks.

"Don't stand there gawping: make yourself useful - take a picture of the newlyweds."

"Bloody hell, you've really done it now, Susie. Mum and dad will go bananas."

"I knew it wasn't for real," Mikey snorted as he put down the camera. "Nobody would be daft enough to marry you."

"We'll see," Susie smiled. "Marriage comes by destiny, isn't that right, Denise?"

"I shouldn't be at all surprised - and a lot else too, for that matter," I sighed.

"My stomach's rumbling," Mikey whined. "I haven't eaten for hours. Quit looking gooey-eyed at each other and feed me."

"All in good time. I'll get you something in a bit."

"I want a proper meal not a bowl of cornflakes. Mum's worried I'm outgrowing my strength - I need lots of protein."

"Have a banana while you're waiting."

"That's no good. Red meat's the thing - fruit's no substitute."

"Chimps thrive on it - and gorillas," Susie grinned. "Ask Denise."

"There's nothing chimpanzees like better than gorging on a young colobus monkey," I volunteered. "I can't understand why people are so shocked - they haven't developed canines like that to peel grapes."

"You see, Susie she's on my side," Mikey smirked. "And what about the cash I was promised - you're a witness to that, aren't you, Denise?"

"I haven't forgotten," Susie replied. "Just hang on; we're expecting a call. After that, you'll get your money and a meal."

Mikey came over and stood beside me. "Take one of me and Denise while we're waiting."

"It'll be no use to you, Mikey. If you show it to your friends, they're never going to believe I'm your girlfriend. You'll just look foolish," I added, in the hope of discouraging him. "They'll think you're trying to con them with some photo taken at a wedding."

"I know that - I'm not daft. I want it for my own private collection," he grinned.

"Don't be so bloody cheeky; Denise doesn't want to be one of your pin-up girls."

"I didn't mean that. I like Denise - she's nice," he grinned, taking my arm. "And she's a good influence on you - you've been almost human this past week."

Susie aimed a half-hearted swat at him and picked up the camera. "Okay, but no monkey business - keep your hands to yourself."

"I know how to behave in the presence of a real lady," he beamed. "Click away."

Mikey was about to suggest something else when Susie's phone rang. I grabbed it. "Mum - yes, I'll be straight home - bye."

"Do you have to go this minute?"

"Yes, my mum's very strict."

"I thought you wanted your supper," Susie broke in. "You'll have to go for it - I'm beat. Get yourself cod, chips and mushy peas. Here," she passed over a twenty pound note, "you can keep the change."

Mikey's eyes lit up and he snatched it out of her hand. "Okay, but I don't want fish - it's girlie grub. I want a baby's head covered in gravy."

"You'll be better off with a fish," I advised. "It's a wholesome food - you know exactly what you're getting."

"That's right, Mikey, look what it's done for Denise - a flawless complexion."

"That's okay for girls, but boys need a spot or two, or they look like sissies."

"You'll be eating sweepings-up and scrapings off," I warned. "They put all sorts of crap into those meat puddings."

"I don't care; I'm having two - with a dob of tomato sauce in the centre of each. Guess what they'll remind me of."

"Two quivering soggy grey mounds," Susie raised her eyebrows. "What sort of magazines are you passing around at school, Mikey - Pig Breeder's Weekly?"

"Aw, sucks to you." He shoved the money in his pocket and headed for the door. "Think yourself lucky I'm letting you bribe me like this." He glanced over his shoulder. "Bye for now, Denise."

"Bye, Mikey."

I got over the fence with the aid of a pair of stepladders and a chair. "Remember, Susie, now that I'm home safe and sound, we can play up the bomb drama and the danger I was in."

"You're shameless, Jeffrey."

"No, I'm not. I've had a good look at myself in the mirror. When mum actually sees me, she may be quite upset that I've been parading around in public like this for the last four hours."

"Don't worry, we'll make her realise it was unavoidable."

"Maybe, but it can't hurt to have something that puts our little foibles into perspective."

"Like being blown up by a bomb."

"Yes, but don't be too blatant about it - be subtle."

"Well, at least you weren't in any danger of being recognised as Jeffrey."

"An exclusive Stephanie gown is a good disguise," Susie pointed out.

"And her make-up job helps," I added.

"And your undoubted enthusiasm for the role, Jeffrey."

"I can't help it, mum. I like being Denise - and I like being Denise with Susie even better."

"And he loves being Jeffrey with me as well."

"You do make a lovely couple however you're dressed - but especially now," mum smiled.

Susie gave me a kiss on the cheek. "I don't fully understand it myself, but Denise is part of me, mum."

"I know, but I'm scared something will happen if you keep having public adventures. I suspect you don't tell me everything that goes on. You really should be more careful."

"I have to take the blame this time, Mrs Smith. I was carried away by our triumph - Four cups and seven hundred pounds. I was so excited I don't know what came over me."

"Dizziness due to success - that was your problem, Susie," I put in. "Don't feel too badly - it could happen to anyone."

"Thanks, it's nice of you to be so understanding."

"That's okay. You've learned an important lesson for the future."

"Anyway," Susie continued, "Jeffrey had looked such a frump all weekend that I went quite giddy at the thought of standing him behind a wedding dress. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have taken him anywhere near Stephanie."

"Yes, she turned out to be a forceful character, not used to taking no for an answer. We were out of our depth."

"Why did she pick on you, Jeffrey?"

"Her model had let her down and he was the right size."

"Well then, so were you."

"She thought it would be a better show to turn a geeky girl into a beautiful bride."

"Why didn't you tell her you were a boy?"

"We had communications difficulties: her deaf-aid was on the blink."

"And English isn't her first language," Susie added.

"I couldn't shout out 'I'm a boy' at the top of my voice. They'd given me the prize as best lady player."

"How did that little accident happen?"

"That was my fault as well. I gave them my name by mistake. If we'd said anything, people might have thought we were cheating - and Jeffrey had won fair and square."

"What's important, mum," I interrupted, "is the bomb scare. We had to evacuate the place immediately; there was no time to change. That's why I got stuck like this."

"Fate once again socked Jeffrey on the jaw, Mrs Smith."

"And followed up with a one-two to the midriff," I added. "The mass exodus swamped all the transport and we had to pretty much walk the whole way home. That's why we're so late. I'm so sorry, mum - but things might have been a lot worse."

"I'm grateful that we got back in one piece," Susie shuddered. "It gives me the shivers when I think what could have happened. It certainly put things into perspective."

"Oh, Jeffrey." She hugged me to her. "I couldn't bear to lose you - please be careful."

She stepped back and wiped a tear from her eye. "Don't cry, mum - we were never in any real danger." I felt a pang of guilt. "It was only a big firework. I'm sorry if we frightened you."

Mum gave a sniff. "I should be really mad at the pair of you, leaving me stuck with Uncle Bob and Aunt Jane. They gave me a funny look when I told them you were out with your girlfriend."

"Next time, tell them I've started ballet classes - they'll believe that."

"It's nothing to joke about; it was very embarrassing. They thought you were sulking up in your room, deliberately avoiding them."

"No one has a better reason," I spluttered. "He went too far last time, pinning me down on the sofa like that and slobbering in my ear. Now that I've had a little nuzzling experience of my own with Susie, I'm beginning to worry about what he may be up to."

"I'm sorry, Jeffrey - I should have spoken out before, but I don't know exactly what to say to him."

"Neither do I. I thought he'd be treating me like a grown-up by now," I sighed. "Perhaps he still looks on me as just a kid - I hope that's all it is."

"Do you think he's discovered Pinky and Perky?" Susie asked.

"Not yet, but he's bound to find out," I moaned. "Another of his shows of affection was tweaking the flesh on my chest. It's only a matter of time before he tries it again."

"He sounds like a bit of a sadist to me; I'm glad he's not one of my relatives - I would have swung for him by now."

"You'd be okay, Susie. Uncles can't play rough and tumble with nubile nieces and pretend it's a male bonding thing."

"Worry not, Jeffrey, next time I'll be there. If he tries to grab you, I'll be in there first and tell him - 'hands off, he's mine' - I'll make sure he gets the message."

"That's a good idea, Susie. Then there'd be no danger of a family row. I wouldn't want Jeffrey's gran upset."

"Happy to oblige, Mrs Smith."

I started for the door. "I think it's time I got out of these clothes - come upstairs and help me, Susie."

"Wait a minute." Mum dashed out and returned with a camera. "Just a few shots for the family album," she smiled. "You do make such a lovely couple."

"Free at last, free at last." I was in my bedroom and back in boy clothes.

Susie looked shocked. "What kind of talk is that, Jeffrey?"

"After the day I've had, pretty mild. It's just wonderful to be able to relax again. You can have too much of a good thing - I'm Denised out."

"Think again, Jeffrey - until you get rid of the last traces of make-up, you're stuck with her."

I had a good look in the mirror.

"You're right," I admitted, "clothes don't maketh the man, but Denise is staying in tomboy mode and confined to quarters."

Susie held up my discarded underwear "I wish you hadn't taken these off - it's a shame not to make the most of them."

"You've got your pictures they should be more than enough. I must have been mad posing for you like that," I shivered. "If mum had walked in, I wouldn't have known where to put myself. It would have been embarrassing enough if I was her daughter - never mind her son."

"You were the one who suggested we play glamour model and lesbian photographer."

"That was just my way of winding down; I've had a very stressful day. If you keep this up," I warned, "I'll expect you to take massage lessons."

"Wearing these is just as good and you look so cute." Susie stroked them lovingly. "They're so soft and sexy," she breathed.

"Well then, you put them on. I've no objection to a snogging session with you as the lingerie model."

"That wouldn't be wise, like you say, your mum might walk in on us. What would she think?"

"Precisely."

"No it's different for you. I'd be compromised - in my boyfriend's bedroom, wearing only my underwear."

"But it's okay for me though."

"A girl's reputation is a fragile thing - it's more easily damaged than a boy's. Don't sulk, Jeffrey, that's just how things are."

"In that case," I huffed, "Denise feels exactly the same way and there's an end to the matter."

"Just for now," Susie smirked. "We'll be spending some of our winnings at Bustop - an investment for when we're alone together."

"I hope that's matching sets, Susie."

"Of course, Jeffrey - one in pink and one in blue."

"Well, at least if Denise is in her undies, she won't be venturing out down the high street."

"Only in your dreams, eh Jeffrey. Have you had one like that yet - where you're caught almost naked as Denise in public?"

"No, I haven't - and I'd thank you not to put such ideas into my head. Today's events have given me more than enough fodder for nightmares."

Susie grinned and held up the wedding dress. " Stephanie will be pleased when we return it to her, in near pristine condition."

"What are we going to do about that - her shop's in Lancston - can we just put it in the post?"

"I think it's important to maintain the personal touch, Jeffrey - we're still owed money. We'll give her a ring - she may come and collect it."

I jumped in alarm "I don't want her coming here, Susie - or your house."

"We could always meet up with her again at next month's show - how does that appeal?"

"I can't keep wandering around as Denise," I objected. "We've been lucky so far, but sooner or later, we'll run into someone who knows me and doesn't like me - and they won't be drunk."

"You'll be safe if we bike it there again. How about that?"

"Why can't I go as Jeffrey and leave you to deal with Stephanie?"

"You can leave home as Jeffrey and at a quiet spot out of town - hello, Denise."

"You should think things through, Susie. I'll have to tell Stephanie more lies."

"You're very believable, Jeffrey."

"Maybe so, but you won't be able to stop adding your two penn'orth. It'll be a case of - 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - before you're finished. Not to mention you'll be volunteering us for her next outings."

"Well, if you're there with me, you'll be able to exert a restraining influence."

I fell off the bed.

I put down the make-up wipes. "It's no good; I'll have to give school a miss tomorrow."

"Or you could go and still give school a miss tomorrow," Susie smiled.

"I don't think they're ready for that yet and neither am I. A nerdy Jeffrey fits in a lot better than a cross-dressing Jeffrey."

"I like them both." Susie recommenced her kissing mission.

"What will you do all day," she asked when we paused for breath.

"I'll catch up on my sleep. Thanks to you, I've already missed two Sunday lie-ins. I should insist you come over and make me breakfast in bed."

"That's not a bad idea; I think we both deserve a holiday. After all, we gave up our weekend for the benefit of the school. How does a nice quiet day out together appeal?"

"With me as Denise."

"Or Jeffrey wearing make-up."

"I think it may be better if I stayed in bed the whole day - with the clothes pulled over my head."

"I can't allow that, Jeffrey - no reverting to your old bad habits."

"I might risk a ride out over the river- but I'd have to be sensibly dressed - and we wouldn't be making any shopping stops."

"We could go to the bank," Susie countered. "I'll have to wait until the cheques clear, but you can have what I've got in as a down payment - there's an incentive for you."

"I don't want to go into town."

"We'll cycle to Thornley and use the branch there. Bike, bank and cash - that should appeal to you, Jeffrey. What about it?"

"I'm not sure. There'll be crowds of shoppers about - it's always busy. I'll be on edge the whole time waiting for something to happen."

"Don't worry, I'll be there to look after you."

"Frankly, Susie, that isn't reassuring - you're a high risk girlfriend."

"Don't exaggerate - I do no more than keep you on your toes."

"That's one way of looking at it."

"That's settled then - we're off to the bank tomorrow."

"I didn't say that - I still feel uneasy about it."

"I'm not suggesting we go as Bonnie and Clyde. We'll be putting money in - I wouldn't be surprised if they gave us a free pen and wallet. Come on, you couldn't find a safer place for a day out."

"I don't know - they have more than their fair share of robberies."

"Only because that's where the money is - it's not their fault. Anyway, what are the chances of that happening?"

"If we're there, pretty damn good I imagine."

"Shut up and kiss me, stupid."

 

"What does Shufflebottom's dad do?"

"What else, Susie - iguzzabout purrinipsifowk."

"Come again."

"Iguzzabout purrinipsifowk. He's a reet clever mon - as my granddad would say."

"Jeffrey!"

"Yes, chuck."

"Stop it!"

Susie and Jeffrey 25 - 31 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 25

"Gordon Bennett, Susie," I gasped as we untangled ourselves. "That was an unnerving way to wake up your Sleeping Beauty."

"Sorry, Jeffrey, I couldn't help myself." She moved back onto the side of the bed. "You looked so sweet lying there; I was overcome by an urge to play Handson and Grapple with Pinky and Perky."

"Well, it was quite a shock. I'm sure I've heard about people dying after being woken up like that."

"That's sleepwalkers, Jeffrey. Anyway, you can't have been that traumatised - you were soon giving as good as you got."

"That's beside the point," I protested. "You shouldn't have woofed in my ear and licked my face - I thought Wolf had jumped into bed with me."

"It was just my little joke," she grinned.

"After the week I've had, it could have had an unfortunate outcome - for both of us."

"I was in no danger; I checked you don't sleep with a bicycle pump under your pillow."

"You can joke, but I'm on edge as to what's going to happen next. I'm like a tightly coiled spring."

"Well, I've done my best to unwind you and I'm not finished yet." She pointed to the tray on my bedside table. "There, Jeffrey - I've brought you breakfast in bed."

I sat up and had a quick look. "Did you make this, Susie?"

"No, Jeffrey, your mother made it - you can tuck in with confidence."

"I didn't mean to upset you; it's just that mum knows exactly how I like things. I'm a bit faddy about my food."

"That comes as no real surprise. I think your mum might be finding it a little wearing. She seemed awfully relieved when I told her you wanted me to bring you breakfast in bed."

"It's my fault," I confessed. "I upset her with my Godel story."

"Perhaps it would be better if you didn't wear your mother's underwear, Jeffrey - stick to her skirts."

"What are you talking about? I've never worn any of her clothes - except when I was a kid - and that doesn't count because I didn't know what I was doing."

"You always know what you're doing," Susie snorted. "I'd rather see you in a suspender belt, but if that's what you really want, I'll get you a girdle."

"Not that sort of girdle. I'm talking about Kurt Godel - the mathematical logic genius."

"Can't help you there, I'm afraid, Jeffrey."

"Yes you can. You see I told mum about how he was paranoid and when his wife went in hospital, he wouldn't eat food prepared by anyone else and he starved himself to death."

"Hell, Jeffrey - why would you tell her that?"

"Well, she was saying how I was a faddy eater and what would I do when she was gone. I didn't mean to upset her - it was just a bit of idle banter."

"Your anecdotes have a tendency to the gruesome, Jeffrey; I haven't forgotten Newton's eyeball. You should think before you speak - like I do."

"Yes, Susie, but in the meantime could you let mum know I'm happy for you to feed me. Bring round a bag of chips for us to share - let her see me lick your fingers."

"Happy to oblige, but don't get carried away," she smiled. "Tell me, if that Godel was such a great logician why didn't he get a food taster or make his own meals?"

"He was deranged; he wasn't thinking straight."

"All that number stuff is dangerous - it even floored Russell Crowe. Thank goodness you've got Denise, Jeffrey - she's a safety valve."

"Pass the tray over, Susie."

"Look at that, your bread already cut up into a neat row of soldiers."

"I like to have a system, Susie, that's all. Organised - that's the way I see myself."

"Organdied, more like."

"You can mock. I'm spoiled; I admit it. But don't worry," I smiled, "after we're married, I won't always be comparing your peanut butter sandwiches to mum's."

"Are you still showing enthusiasm for things domestic, Jeffrey?"

"It's more the doing something together with mum; I've been missing out on that. You don't have to worry, I'll let you do your share of the housework."

Susie put the tray on my knee and knocked the top off the egg. "Come on - eat up, before it goes cold."

"Yes, mother."

"How right you are, Jeffrey," Susie grinned and dipped a soldier in the yolk. "Your mum's already gone out and left me in loco parentis. I had to swear I wouldn't let you land yourself in any more trouble."

"And she believed you?" I let the egg trickle down the side of my mouth in astonishment.

"Implicitly." Susie scooped the food back into my mouth with her finger. "You should be pleased she's happy to entrust you to my care."

"Now I know who I get my naivete from."

Susie took a drink of my tea. "You didn't have any trouble getting off school."

"No, mum rang up first thing and told them the events of yesterday had left their mark on me and I'd only just managed to get off to sleep."

"I tried something similar. Mum and dad wouldn't have it, even though I had Mikey back me up. I got him to tell them I came in distraught and overwrought - they didn't believe him either."

"Distraught and overwrought," I scoffed. "What a giveaway. Kids don't use words like that. You're too clever by three quarters, Susie."

"You can talk," she snorted. "Anyway, it worked - our unholy alliance so surprised them, they gave in without much of a fight. It was a bit of a disappointment really."

"Not for me, Susie. I can imagine you had some story about Jeffrey being a gibbering wreck in reserve."

"Quite the opposite - catatonic was what I had in mind," she sniffed.

I sighed, ate the last of the egg soldiers and polished off some almost cold sardines. "Brain food - that's what I need. Lots and lots of it - now I have you to contend with."

"Okay, Jeffrey, but don't overdo it - I'm not kissing anyone who has kippers for breakfast."

Susie put the tray aside on the bedside table and edged closer. "What would you like to do now?"

"Most of all, go back to sleep, but I know you won't let me."

"That would be selfish, Jeffrey - leaving me out in the cold."

"Ideally, Susie, we'd snuggle up together; you could be my teddy bear. I've never had one and I feel I've missed out on something."

"I'll make it up to you, but not this morning." Susie drew back the covers. "It's time we were out and about."

"I don't know," I stalled. "I think I need a period of reflection and calm contemplation to absorb exactly what's happening to me."

"Solitary brooding, Jeffrey - that's what you mean."

"No I don't: a quiet day in wouldn't do either of us any harm." I went over to the mirror and rubbed my lips with the back of my hand. "You should be helping me get off the remains of this make-up."

"Leave it alone, Jeffrey, or you'll give yourself a rash. Then you really will have some explaining to do."

"I suppose it isn't too bad - almost normal. I have naturally red lips, you know, Susie. My mum says people were always asking her if she'd been putting lipstick on me when I was a baby."

"Perhaps she had, Jeffrey. That's a very ambiguous baby picture of you downstairs - you're in a pink dress."

"I was only six weeks old; I didn't have any say in the matter. Everyone teases me about it, but mum loves it - she won't take it down."

"That's mother's for you. I expect she'll be putting up one of Denise next."

"I hope she does." I turned away from the mirror and Susie kissed me full on the mouth. "Your lips are positively glowing, Jeffrey," she chuckled when we separated. "I think you should let Denise brighten up a miserable Monday morning."

I looked at the rain trickling down the window. "This is definitely staying in weather."

"It's only a fine warm drizzle - just the sort of thing that makes you want to run naked through the fields. How would you fancy a little splendour in the grass moment, Jeffrey?"

"We're definitely not going out," I goggled. "Have you been googling the benefits of naturism?"

"No."

"Well, keep it that way. I don't want to find out if going naked is the best disguise."

"It's much more fun dressing you up, Jeffrey, but I suppose you'll be dressing down today."

"You're dead right about that. What's more, at the first sign of trouble I'm off and running in the opposite direction - and you'd better be following. Learn to think with your legs: safety first is to be our guiding principle from now on."

"You're over cautious, Jeffrey: next thing, you'll be looking both ways before Denise crosses her legs."

"I'd have good reason - sometimes I don't know whether it's Jeffrey or Denise who has just sat down. What I need is a stress free day at home."

"Rubbish, you're better off away from the house." Susie pointed to the postman going down the path. "If you have to answer the door, they'll think you've been playing with your mum's make-up. How are you going to handle that?"

"Simple: I'll just ignore them."

"They'll keep on ringing the bell. Funny how people always seem to know when somebody's in; it can drive you mad."

"I'll lock myself in the bathroom; they'll give up eventually. I always feel safe there," I sighed. "Sometimes I wish I'd spent the whole of last week on the bog reading an improving book."

"Enough of that, Jeffrey, we're going out and you won't have to worry about being seen - I've the perfect solution. Nothing changes a person's look so much as their hair; when I've worked my magic, you won't recognise yourself."

"Wakey-wakey, Jeffrey, open your eyes. It's time to view the new you."

"I wasn't asleep."

"Yes, you were."

"Well, that just goes to show how tired I am. I'm sleeping for two now, you know."

"A change is as good as a rest," Susie huffed and pushed me in front of the mirror. "Who's that, Jeffrey?"

"Oh God, you've made me look fourteen again."

Susie grinned in triumph. "More like twelve - plaits give you an even more little girl look than bunches. Go on - give them a shake."

"Aw, Susie I've come out in spots," I cried. "I knew all this upset would have an effect on me. This is all your fault; I was having a nice quiet puberty until you came along."

"All little girls should have freckles; I think they're are an inspired touch." She smacked my hand away. "Don't rub them, or they'll smudge."

"You've gone too far; I'm not going out like this," I spluttered. "It's not me - it's not even Denise."

"I thought that's what you wanted - a hairstyle and look no one would associate with Jeffrey."

I leaned forward for a closer inspection. "Aw, now you can see the bite marks on my neck. That settles it: there's no way I'm parading around as a twelve year old nymphomaniac."

"Don't exaggerate, Jeffrey," Susie snorted. "They're hardly visible. Anyway, your coat collar will cover them." She smiled and pinched my cheek. "I'm confident you can rise to the challenge, just act sweet and demure and you'll be able to roam around free from all cares."

"That's what you think. With my luck, this will be the day the police, social services and the education department mount a joint anti-truancy sweep. I'll be a prime target."

"Phooey. There are always loads of young girls in town, even on schooldays."

"Yes, but they're all pushing prams."

"Well, if you think it would help you blend in, we've an old baby carrier somewhere - would you feel happier with that strapped on?"

"No I wouldn't. What use is that without an old baby to put in it."

"As always, Jeffrey, you've hit the snail on its shed. Pity I wasn't a doll person - you haven't a life-size baby doll squirrelled away, have you?"

"No, I haven't. I've never had a doll of any sort."

"Not even an Action Man?"

"Especially not an Action Man; it's a funny sort of boy wants to play with one of those. I've steered well clear of them - and their owners."

"You're full of prejudices, Jeffrey; you should be more open-minded like me. Look how I accept your little quirks."

"I've one big quirk and it's called Susie," I sighed. "We're going into Thornley which, she should know, is not a chav town teeming with teenage mothers - it's a genteel place. What's more, on a Monday morning it'll be swarming with old-age pensioners on mobility scooters. It's like the bloody dodgems. Now, you've gone and made me swear again."

"There'd better be none of that when we're out - I don't want you showing me up."

"Susie, we'll stick out like a pair of sore thumbs."

"You're exaggerating, Jeffrey."

"I'm not: you won't find a Kentucky Fried Chicken or it's like - they're Marks and Spencer food hall people."

"You're making it sound your kind of town, Jeffrey."

I went back over to the window and decided to try a different approach. "It's raining harder; we can't bike it in this."

"That won't break my heart, Jeffrey; I'd rather be all shook up with you on the backseat of a tram."

"You promised you'd bike it. I was looking forward to that."

"The sooner I put these cheques in the bank, the sooner you'll get your share."

"Are you still giving me an advance?"

"All I've got. My word is my bond, Jeffrey. I've always been straight with you in money matters." She moved in closer. "You know all your assets are safe in my hands. "

I let Susie persuade me for five minutes before giving in. "If I agree, you won't moan the next time I want us to go out on our bikes."

"All right, but no 'Mary, Mary, quite contrary' act from you this morning."

"After what you've done to me, it's a wonder I don't thweam and thweam until I'm sick. I'm going to the bathroom, when I come back you can redo my hair and take off these freckles. I'm definitely not going out like this."

"Wait until you see yourself all dressed up, you might have second thoughts."

"No way ..." I was cut short by the phone. "Oh bugger - I can't risk answering that."

"It may be your mother; she'll worry if there's no reply."

"You get it and if it's not mum, pretend they've got the wrong number. I don't want anyone to know I'm home."

Susie skipped to the door. "Trust me, Jeffrey: for you, I'll lie like the truth."

I was in the bathroom when she came back upstairs. "Put it away, Jeffrey and get out here - we've no time to waste."

"This has always been my last refuge, but there's no hiding place from you, Susie," I moaned as I came out.

"That was quick - have you washed your hands?"

"Yes, I was taking comfort in good literature."

"Oh, what exactly were you reading - something I can share?"

"Just boy's stuff," I blushed. "You wouldn't be interested."

"Come on, you can tell me."

"If you must know, it was 'James the Red Engine' - I turn to it in times of trouble."

"If that's what you like I can 'choo-choo' in your ear the next time we have a little session."

"I'd prefer that to you 'woofing'. Now, what's the big hurry?"

"That was your aunt on her mobile. She's only five minutes away - I thought you'd like to know."

"And you've been letting me prattle away about trivia," I exploded. "We've got to get out of here."

I rushed back to my room and found a set of clothes already laid out on the bed. "Where did they come from?"

"I anticipated you might want to make a fast exit; I thought I'd give you a helping hand."

"Help me into a miniskirt, you mean; why can't I wear jeans like you?"

"I think you should play it safe - going for a boyish look has its dangers. You never know who's round the next corner."

"You're taking advantage of the situation, Susie," I whined as I pulled on the tights. I stopped when I had them half way up. "You could forgive me thinking there's more to this than meets the eye."

"I was only showing some initiative - you should be proud of me. We can hang around if you like and you can introduce me to your aunt."

"Oh, what's the use - I'm already half-way to paradise. It's not bloody fair. Help me on with the bra."

"I think they're getting bigger, Jeffrey."

"No they're not - I'm just excited. Hurry up," I urged. "I'm beyond the point of no return now. I could never explain this away."

"The make-up by itself would sink you - you're no worse off."

"I suppose so: you can't stop people jumping to the wrong conclusions on the flimsiest of evidence."

Susie helped me on with the rest of the clothes and we were ready to go. "What about your hair, Jeffrey?"

"I can stuff it under a baseball cap; we haven't time to bother about that now." I rushed Susie down the stairs and began to have third thoughts. "With your gift of the gab, how come you didn't manage to put her off?"

"I didn't get chance. When she heard my voice, the first thing she said was - 'You must be Susie - Jeffrey's girlfriend'."

"That woman's a witch."

"She didn't flummox me. I told her I was here to let the gasman in to fix the boiler," Susie smirked. "Which, I think you'll admit, was pretty resourceful, straight off the top of my head."

"Amazing, but then why is she still coming round?"

"She became a little suspicious."

"About what?"

"Well actually, a gasman wasn't the first thing that came to mind - he started out as a chimney sweep."

"A chimney sweep! Why would you say that? You didn't say I was stuck up the chimney, did you?"

"Of course not. It's just that Mikey was watching 'Mary Poppins' when I got home last night; he still has a thing about Julie Andrews. You'd have thought he'd have grown out of it by now. Sometimes, Jeffrey, I worry about that boy."

"Well, don't tease him about it, Susie - he's at a sensitive age," I cautioned as I picked up an umbrella in the hall.

"Don't let him see you with that," Susie grinned, "he already thinks Denise is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

"It's just the contrast with his bossy big sister, that's all."

"I don't know what you mean," Susie snorted. She took down one of mum's casual jackets. "Here put this on."

"No, you wear that, I'll wear yours."

Susie took off her coat and passed it over. "You see how understanding I am."

"I'll thank you properly later - let's get out of here."

I slammed the front door shut behind us, put up the umbrella, Susie ducked under it and we hurried down the path and out of the gate.

"Well, I've certainly learnt one thing over the past week."

"What's that, Jeffrey?"

"Never say never again, Susie."

 

Chapter 26

"This is one hell of a big umbrella," Susie grumbled as we hurried down the street. "If we go much faster, we'll be hang-gliding."

"I found it abandoned on the golf course; one slightly damaged spoke - that was all. It's amazing what people throw away. I've a telly in the shed ..."

"I hope you don't make a habit of going around picking up other people's rubbish."

"I'm recycling. What I need is another shed; I've missed out on a few free to whoever removes it ones. Now I've you to help me, we can go for the next one I see advertised in the Post Office window."

"I don't know about that, Jeffrey - having two sheds is the sort of thing that can lay you open to mockery. Besides, I'm not really into the second-hand scene."

"It might even be better to go as two sweet young girls," I mused. "We could get some extras thrown in."

"You believe you're more appealing in a skirt, do you, Jeffrey?"

"Undoubtedly, Susie: I look in the mirror and think - Denise, you could get away with murder. Not that I'm planning one, mind you."

"Denise would be better concentrating on fashion and make-up. She's a lot to learn and it's something we can do together."

"If that's what you want, when you pass your test, instead of a car, why not get a little van. We could cram all sorts of stuff in the back."

"I don't see our future as a pair of scrap merchants - however cute."

"Well, it was only an idea; it's always useful to have an extra source of income. Who knows - we might go on to greater things?"

"Keep your 'Where there's muck there's brass' ideas to yourself, Jeffrey. I have much more interesting plans for us."

"I just hope we won't be giving any of them a run out today." I looked back from the corner of street and saw a familiar car pull up outside our house. "She really was on her way round then."

"Did you ever doubt me, Jeffrey?"

"The thought had flitted across my mind, Susie, but I couldn't take the risk. I decided to take my chances as your little sister." I took off my cap and shook out my plaits. "Here put this in your bag. It must make me look silly; I felt like I had a bird's nest under there."

"That's better," Susie grinned. "You shouldn't hide away your crowning glory - especially after I took all that trouble over it."

"I only hope having to take care of a little sister will bring out your more cautious maternal instincts."

"I very much doubt it, Denise."

"So do I, Susie, but there's no going back now. Come on, I suppose I'll just have settle for you being my lucky mascot."

We were on the main street when I felt Susie's hand on my bottom. "Stop it - don't do that."

"What's the matter - got a boil on your bum?" she grinned. "I think that calls for a firm squeeze."

"No," I yelped. "Show some sense, Susie; you can't grope your twelve year old sister in public. It's ... it's inappropriate - what will people think?"

"But you're my sixteen year old boyfriend - nothing could be more natural."

"You should have thought of that before you dressed me up. I'm staying in character. In fact, I'm warming to the part. You were right - the younger I act, the safer I'll be - so don't go mucking about."

"It's hard to keep my hands off you, Jeffrey - I think I've always had a subconscious desire to have a cute little sister to play with."

"Rubbish: I don't believe you for a moment."

"Well, it's true," Susie pouted. "Don't tell me you've never nursed in your breast a half warmed fish."

"Oh, shut up. Keep your hands on the brolly and let's get out of here before we're arrested for lewd behaviour."

"I hope everywhere is this quiet, Susie," I sighed as we stood alone in the tram shelter. "A wet, miserable Monday morning is just what I need to dampen things down."

"That may suit Jeffrey, but Susie and Denise have a different outlook on life."

"Well, plaits or not, Jeffrey's staying firmly in control behind the scenes today and he won't be indulging in any silly nonsense."

"How would Jeffrey describe the kind of underwear he's got on?"

"Very comfortable - but you're not going to change the subject. We're embarking on a new regime; for a start, you'll be paying on the tram."

"Okay," Susie smiled.

"And for everything else."

"Fair's fair, Jeffrey - you wouldn't want to be a kept woman, would you?"

"I don't mind if you spend nothing on me. The best of women are those who are content with little. You should remember that, Susie."

"We're feminists - you remember that."

"It won't make any difference, because in the rush I've come out with no money - so that's the end of the matter."

"None at all? That doesn't ring true - I saw you slip some into your bra."

"I meant everyday money. As far as you're concerned, Denise is penniless. From here on, shopping isn't going to qualify as an emergency. Now get your purse out - here's the tram."

It was the one advertising Shoreham's ghost train; all black with a skull and cross bones decorating both ends.

We stepped out and Susie waved it down. "Our carriage awaits us, Denise - hop up and mind you don't show your knickers."

I grabbed the pole and jumped on with both feet. "Thornley town centre - my sister's paying."

Susie handed over a fiver. "One and a half, please," she grinned.

The driver turned and gave me a long hard look. I shyly tugged on a plait and tried to summon up a blush.

"She's more than eleven."

"That's the make-up. They sent her home from school for wearing it. She's turning into a right little minx - she bit the Mother Superior. I've had to come and collect her - she's been suspended."

"You're a cheeky bugger, but what's it to me? I can't be bothered arguing; I've a humdinger of a hangover. Get to the back and keep quiet. The last thing I want to hear this morning is two screaming schoolgirls."

"I don't want to be driven by a drunk, Susie."

"I'm not drunk; I'm just hypersensitive. Stop messing me about - on or off- make up your mind."

"We'll be okay: it doesn't need the higher brain functions to drive a tram. He's hardly going to take a wrong turning, is he?"

"Don't push your luck, young lady, I'm letting you get away with half fare as it is."

He handed over her change and we made our way down the empty carriage with Susie singing.

"Quiet, you'll have us thrown off. You and your 'one and a half' - no more of that, please."

"I thought you'd approve of me being economical with our money."

"Now you've turned me into a fare dodger. It'll be just my luck if an inspector gets on," I moaned as we spread ourselves on the back seat.

"I hear they're taking them to court as a deterrent to others; you'd better start sucking your thumb and practising your lisp," Susie smirked.

"If that doesn't work, I expect you to wrestle him to the floor while I make my getaway."

"You can rely on me, Jeffrey - I'll hang on like grim death."

"I wish we'd gone on the bus," I moaned. "It's eerie being the only passengers and that driver had a glassy look in his eye. I only hope the dead man's handle is fully functional."

"Perhaps our misdeeds have caught up with us," Susie whispered, "and this really is a phantom tram. We'll be spirited away, never to be seen again."

"You can't scare me - Denise is armoured with the innocence of a new born babe."

"A week old little devil is nearer the mark."

"Anyway, I wouldn't mind going off into the great unknown with you, Susie," I mused and snuggled closer. "Did I tell you one of my favourite fantasies was being alone on a starship in deep space?"

"I can't say that would be on my all-time top ten list."

"Then how about one where everyone has been wiped out by a killer disease and you've got the whole world to yourself?"

"No."

"Of course, I've modified them now and you're with me."

"Well, that's an improvement, Jeffrey, but don't turn it into an Adam and Eve fantasy where we repopulate the world. I don't feel up to that - let's stick to the free shopping scenario."

"That seems a trifle selfish. Killing off everybody so we can play dress-up in designer clothes."

"Well, it's a healthier reason than you wanting to play Greta Garbo."

"I don't: she's not my type - she's not cuddly enough."

"I never thought of myself as cuddly, Jeffrey."

"Trust me, Susie, you lack nothing in the cuddlesome department."

"Am I like a big floppy puppy?"

"No, you're my teddy bear."

She gave a grunt and squeezed me in her arms. "I hope you're not afraid of big bad bears."

"They're my favourite animals. I think that might have something to do with reading 'Exploration Team' at an impressionable age."

"Is that more science fiction?"

"Yes," I smiled. "What did you think of 'Shambleau'?"

"Very nicely read, but it's not the kind of thing to be taken seriously, is it, Jeffrey?"

"I certainly hope not, Susie - hug away, buggalugs."

We were interrupted by the sound of the doors opening. A woman with a baby in her arms got on. Susie released me with a groan when she continued along the tram towards us.

"Not in front of the children, Denise."

I sat up straight as the woman gave us a long hard look before taking the seat in front. I had a try at an explanation for our behaviour.

"Thanks, that was remarkable tongue control; you licked the eyelash out as clean as a whistle."

"That's how cats look after each other. You can thank me with your nice purr, Denise."

"Shush," I whispered. "Don't spoil it."

The baby's head and arms appeared over the back of the seat. It burped and looked me straight in the eye.

"Wave back, Denise - it wants to play with you."

"No it doesn't - it's not waving, it's frowning."

"That's because you're ignoring the little darling." Susie picked up my hand and waved it for me. "Cooee, this is Denise - what's your name?"

"Stop it, Susie." I made a face and stuck out my tongue - just as the woman turned around. "Goo-goo," I spluttered and rolled my eyes.

The baby gurgled with pleasure and held out its arms.

"Does little Cheyenne wants to play catch with the funny girl." The woman got up and swung the baby into my lap. "Over to you, dear."

"Catch her, Denise," Susie cried. "Don't drop the baby."

I wrapped my arms around her and we got a firm grip on one another. "What are you doing?" I gasped. "I don't know anything about babies. Here, take her back before she gets upset."

She sat down and leant over her seat. "Cheyenne's happy with you; let me have a rest. I wish I hadn't come out now; I'm worn out."

"Don't worry, Denise will look after her. Are you going into town?"

"I don't know; I heard the trams going past and I just wanted to go on a journey. I was fed up staring at four walls."

The woman picked up her bag and turned away. Susie looked at me. "I expect you know what we should do, Denise."

"No, I don't - you're the human relations expert. I've enough on my hands with Cheyenne here. Am I holding her right?"

"Do a bit of cooing and you'll be fine."

The woman had taken out her purse and was counting her money. "I knew that driver wasn't paying attention; I'm a pound short," she moaned.

"Never mind," Susie sympathised. "Tell you what - we'll see you've enough money for a taxi home, won't we, Denise?"

"I probably will, Susie."

"He's not cheating me," the woman fumed. "You take care of Cheyenne while I sort this out."

Before we could say anything more, she was on her way to the front of the tram.

"She won't get any change out of him, Susie."

"I hope she gives him a good ear bashing - he deserves it."

"He was only doing his job - we were in the wrong."

"That's dangerous talk, Jeffrey - let's hear no more of it."

The baby whimpered and I gently rocked her. "What do you think is going on in her head, Susie?" I whispered. "Mother's don't give their kids to total strangers."

"Perhaps she has postnatal depression. Maybe an argument with the driver is just what she needs."

"Well, you know more about that than I do."

"No I don't - and I think you're ahead of me in the baby care stakes as well. Look, the poor little thing is trying to get at your breast."

"What am I going to do? I've only got boy boobs."

"Whatever they are, they'll be more than adequate. Hold her to you; babies find the heartbeat soothing."

The baby closed its eyes and went to sleep with a smile on her face. "God, this is embarrassing, Susie."

"Don't be silly, it's the most natural thing in the world. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"There's the name for starters - 'Cheyenne'. What were her parents thinking of? There are none of them around here; the local tribe was the Hekarwi."

"I thought this was a Viking stronghold."

"Before them - they were like the Picts, only five feet tall and a proud people. They marched through the lofty reed beds chanting 'Ware the Hekarwi - ware the Hekarwi' for all to hear."

"I hope you have to change her nappy, Jeffrey."

"Poor little diddums," I cooed. " A pretty little girl like you shouldn't be lumbered with a name like that."

"She could be a boy."

"That'd be even worse. Come to think of it, maybe she said 'shy Anne'; she didn't look the sort who'd pick an embarrassing name for her child."

"Yes, Cheyenne's the sort of thing a dopey fourteen year old chav would call her baby."

"That's what I mean - folk may think she's mine. Come on, you take her, please."

"You're no dopey chav, Denise - you look as bright as a button - a wonderful advert for young motherhood. Cheyenne's made her choice. She's decided Denise's breasts are best."

"She's only a baby - what does she know?"

"I shouldn't think you could have a better judge; I've said all along they're the genuine article."

"They're nothing a big tube of Clearasil couldn't shift."

"You're not rubbing that into them, are you?"

"No, and I haven't sent away for any breast enhancement cream either."

"You be satisfied with what you've got - size isn't everything. Anyway, they're all scams - don't listen to any of these silly tales that go around."

"Believe it or not, how to develop bigger breasts isn't a subject that has come up in the boys' changing room."

Susie put her face up against the window. "Hold on a minute, Jeffrey, that was someone waving at us from the last stop."

I looked up in alarm. "Where? I can't see anyone. Who was it - someone we know?"

"I think it was the baby's mother."

"Don't be daft ..."

We both looked down the tram we were alone again.

"She's dumped her baby on you, Jeffrey."

"Susie, what are we going to do?"

"Come on, we'll have to get the driver to stop."

We dashed to the front of the tram. "Hold on!" Susie cried. "We want to get off."

"You'll have to wait; I'm not running a taxi service."

"This is an emergency. Look - that woman's left her baby with me. Take us back to the last stop."

"Go in reverse - are you mad? That's more than my job's worth. I can't risk being breathalysed."

"You'll be a hero - they'll make you driver of the month," Susie chimed in.

"I'm not getting involved. You'll have to wait until the next official stop."

"That's no good; I don't want to be wandering around with someone else's baby."

"Are you sure it's not yours? It doesn't seem at all upset to have lost its mother."

"We'll bugger off and leave it with you," Susie threatened.

"You'd better not. I won't back up your story. I can get you in all sorts of trouble. Here's your stop - are you getting off?"

The tram halted and the doors opened. Susie was ready for an argument, but I pulled at her arm. "We don't want to upset the baby with a shouting match - let's go."

"Listen to her - mother knows best."

I saw a flush appear on Susie's cheeks and I jumped out. "Ow! Help, Susie."

She tumbled out after me. "Are you all right? I was about to bop him one."

"I know: I couldn't let you do that."

"I've a good mind to get back on."

"Swallow your pride, Susie."

She gulped and grimaced. "They're right, Jeffrey - discretion is the bitter part of valour."

 

Chapter 27

"We can't sit here all day, have you decided what you want to do?"

"We wouldn't be in this mess if you'd been more polite to that driver."

"What do you mean? We were getting along fine until you called him a drunk. You lack tact, Jeffrey."

"I'm sorry, Susie; I shouldn't blame you, but I'm worried that woman might claim we stole her baby."

"Why would she say such a thing?"

"Who knows? If she's capable of abandoning her baby she's capable of anything."

"In that case, the sooner we hand her in at the police station the better."

"It's not like handing in a wallet; there'll be questions - lots of questions - lots of probing questions."

"It's either that or play pass the parcel with her."

"That's too dangerous. Then we'll look all the more guilty if that crazy woman tries to put the blame on us."

"Perhaps she's not crazy and she just forgot."

"Perhaps I'm home in bed dreaming all this."

Susie gave me a punch on the arm. "I'm not a figment of your imagination, Jeffrey."

"You're right: I couldn't have dreamt this last week up in a million years."

The baby gave a soft cry. "Calm her down, Jeffrey - we don't want to attract attention."

"I'm the one who needs calming down - a baby is a big responsibility. You've had a little brother - you must know more about it than me. Go on, you take her for a while."

"No, she's got used to you; more chopping and changing will only add to the upset. Hug her and show her some affection - you don't want to give her a complex."

I got up. "Come on, the police station's this way - let's get there before she really starts screaming."

"Kiss her and do some baby talk."

"I'm not walking down the street goo-gooing."

"Try a nursery rhyme."

I managed to keep her amused until the police station came in sight.

"Give me a break, Susie, I've run out of things to say."

She grabbed one of my plaits and started pulling.

The baby grasped my other plait and joined in the tugging.

"Aw, stop it - I'm getting head sore and you'll give her nightmares."

"She's laughing - it's just the kind of thing baby's like."

"Nonsense, it doesn't even rhyme."

"It's blank verse - that's what Shakespeare and the really top poets write."

"Just gurgle at her until we get there, Susie."

"If we keep hanging around here, they'll wonder what we're up to. Come on, there's no need to be nervous - look at their motto." Susie pointed at a plaque on the wall - 'Your County, Your Police, Your Say'.

"I think 'The Customer Is Always Wrong' would be more appropriate," I griped. "You'll have to take in the baby, Susie; I'll wait out here. I can't give them my name and address; it will only lead to trouble."

"We'll make one up."

"That's no good; the first thing they'll do is check it out."

"To tell the truth, I'm not keen on going in there by myself. I could be arrested for baby snatching."

"Don't be daft."

"I'm not: you're right - they're a suspicious lot. They might think I'm suffering from Munchausen's syndrome."

"You, Susie - don't be ridiculous."

"If that batty woman turns up, who knows what she might say. It'll be her word against mine - they might not believe me."

"You haven't got form, have you, Susie?"

"Of course, I haven't got form," she spluttered. "What put that idea in your head?"

"Well, you're usually so confident. I thought you'd take this in your stride."

"I've realised it could turn into an awkward situation. Like you said, it's not a bunch of keys I'll be handing in."

"Well, it'll be even worse for me."

"That's what comes of accepting gifts from strangers. You should have been more careful."

"We can't just dump it and scarper - then we really will look guilty. We'll already be on half a dozen security cameras."

"All right, I suppose there's no other way, but I expect you to wait faithfully for me if I get sent down."

"I'll be a model of fidelity - like Penelope."

"You'd better not: she was having it off with Parker, old man Tracy and all the brothers."

"I missed that: is it an extra on the DVD?"

"No, it's in the subtext: all those cult shows are full of hidden meanings. I hope I haven't shattered your illusions."

"Actually, I was referring to Odysseus's wife."

"I knew that. I'm well up on the ancient Greek stuff. He was the one who fought the skeletons."

"That's near enough. Anyhow, I never liked Lady Penelope - she was a stuck-up snob. I really fancied Tin-Tin though - she was one of my favourite fantasy girls."

"She's made of wood."

"You're not the only one blessed with a vivid imagination, Susie."

"You deserved to get splinters," she snorted. "Come on." She lowered the umbrella and we walked through the open outer doors.

"Pass her over."

"Easier said than done - she can certainly grip." I gently prised one hand free of my coat and it immediately latched on to my hair.

Susie took an arm and we were still struggling to make the transfer when I felt a gentle push.

"In you go girls - you're blocking the doorway. Watch what you're doing with that brolly, you'll have someone's eye out."

We stumbled forwards; the automatic doors opened and we were inside - directly in front of the reception desk.

"What can I do for you?"

"I think we want lost property or missing persons."

I let Susie do all the talking and we ended up in an interview room with a friendly sergeant and a silent policewoman sitting off to one side. She looked like she didn't approve of young girls with babies.

Susie told our tale to the sergeant.

"We were on the tram minding our own business when ...

... and here we are."

The sergeant rocked back on his chair and gazed up at the ceiling. "Cheyenne, you say, that could be an important clue if you heard it right. There can't be many of them around here." He leaned forward and focused on Susie. "So you don't really know if this woman was the mother or not."

"Well, there didn't seem much of a bond between them and it's hardly been pining for her."

The sergeant looked across at me. "She seems very attached to this little girl." He gave me a friendly smile. "I'm sorry, dear, I've been ignoring you - what's your name?"

"Ich bin Heidi. Ich spreche nicht sehr gut Englisch." I gave Susie a kick on the ankle and hoped she wouldn't be too carried away.

Susie's face broke into a smile and she wrapped her leg around mine. "Heidi's a Swiss miss; she's here on an exchange visit. She understands all you say, but she's shy about speaking English to strangers - she's afraid of being misunderstood."

"Don't - worry - dear," he shouted. "You're - doing - a - great - job - with - the - little - papoose." He turned to Susie. "Would she like a cup of tea?"

"Not unless you've some goat's milk. Heidi's been having a bit of tummy trouble. She hasn't settled into our diet yet. You haven't a bar of Toblerone, have you? Her face lights up when she sees one - it reminds her of home."

"Toblerone yummy," I smiled and licked my lips.

"She likes you; she's talking English for you."

"There's a packet of chocolate buttons in the drawer, but they've melted. I think someone's been sitting on them."

"That's okay - we don't want to spoil our dinner. I'm taking Heidi to 'Harry Ramsden's' for a treat - she loves fish. Isn't that right, Heidi?"

I nodded and continued concentrating my attention on Cheyenne. I'd been goo-gooing away like mad in the hope of avoiding any questions.

"Little Heidi certainly loves playing mummy."

"She adores babies - she can't wait to have one all of her own. She loves to hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet around the house."

"Das ist schon die katzchen."

"Yes, but you're the one who makes it wear clogs." Susie laughed and turned to the Sergeant. "Just a little private joke."

"Back to business: I need your full names and addresses."

"Langstrump: that's the Swedish side of the family. She's Heidi Langstrump - a Swiss Swede."

"How old is she?"

"She's fourteen, but she's precocious. She reads Schopenhauer - he's her favourite poet. Go on, Heidi, do your party piece - give us a bit of Schopenhauer."

In the vain hope that he might overlook our addresses, I plunged in.

"You're a little girl Elvis," the sergeant beamed.

I turned to Susie and hidden by the baby's head, I stuck out my tongue.

"I'm a big Elvis fan. I do an impression of him as my party piece - the mature Elvis, of course. I've lost my swivel - my hips aren't what they used to be."

"You come out eating a couple of deep fried Mars bars, do you?"

"It was bananas fried in butter - all true fans know that."

"Whatever - just be careful you don't fritter your life away."

I cringed and gave Susie a kick. "Halt den Mund."

The sergeant's phone rang and we didn't get a chance to see if he appreciated Susie's humour.

"What are we going to do?" I silently mouthed to her.

She shrugged her shoulders and mouthed back. "Keep him talking and hope for the best."

We sat and listened to the sergeant's side of the conversation. His 'yes', 'really' and 'is that a fact' didn't tell us much.

He finally put down the phone and gave a wide smile. "We've found the parents; they're on their way over. Mother and child will soon be reunited."

"Best police force in the world," Susie beamed back.

"We can't take all the credit, others have played their part."

"What happened then?"

"The mother came home and found baby and next-door neighbour had both disappeared. It's a funny old case all round. Employing a baby-sitter who keeps a pet python isn't something I'd recommend."

"They can swallow a pig whole, can't they?"

"Precisely: the mother was frantic until the lads broke in next door and she saw there was no tell-tale bulge. They've been looking for her ever since; it seems she just went walkabout. We still haven't found her."

"It was lucky she decided to entrust little Cheyenne to Heidi's tender loving care." Susie gave me a pat on the head and I smiled winsomely - I think.

"It was indeed. The woman's obviously not fully compos mentis. You'd have thought being neighbours they would have had an inkling all was not as it seemed."

"Who knows who's a good maid?" Susie nodded in my direction. "That's what they say in Switzerland, isn't it, Heidi?"

"Du bist verruckt, Susie."

They both smiled at me.

"I hope that was German."

"Yes, she said 'You're correct, Susie'."

"I suppose anyone can be fooled, even smart young girls like you. Little Cheyenne there has been pulling the wool over your eyes - she's a boy."

"It was an easy mistake to make. We haven't had any experience of this sort of thing, have we, Heidi?"

"One should never jump to conclusions. See there, where it says sex, I've left it blank. It was just a certain look he had."

"You've probably developed a sixth sense for these little subtleties over the years."

"Not much gets past me. Right, let's get the paperwork finished. Your friend is Heidi Langstrump and what's her address - is she staying with you?"

"Yes, we're cousins."

"And you're Susie ...?"

Susie looked at me and rolled her eyes. I was wondering if she wanted me to stage a fainting fit when the door burst open.

"Where is he - where's my darling Cheyenne?"

A wild-eyed young woman entered the room and made straight for me.

"Here you are." I held out the baby to her and she snatched him away.

Cheyenne let out a piercing war whoop and the sergeant covered his ears. The policewoman turned her back on us as she tried to calm the woman down.

"This is our chance," I whispered to Susie. "Let's get out of here while they're otherwise engaged."

We were halfway out of the door when the sergeant glanced in our direction.

"Heidi's got the trots again. It must be all this excitement."

"It's on the left at the end of the corridor."

We shut the door behind us and fast walked to the exit. Back on the street we broke into a run and didn't stop until we were two streets away.

"I wouldn't want to go through that again, Susie."

"I think Heidi enjoyed playing mummy. I hope you don't come over all broody now you've had to give the little one up."

"Babies are a great responsibility, Susie; we should wait a few years before having any of our own."

"That's probably best: I don't want to give dad a heart attack. It's a shame to let your natural talent go to waste though - babysitting can be very lucrative."

"No way: you can forget that."

"Don't be too hasty - it would mean some quiet nights in together and it's easy money."

"For you, maybe."

"You owe me; we've probably passed up on a big reward there."

"It's your own fault for making me come out as Denise - you can't have everything. Anyway, virtue is its own reward; one never loses by doing a good turn."

"Shut up, you smug bugger - and don't pretend you're a reluctant girlfriend either."

"I'm allowed a little self-satisfaction getting out of that unscathed."

"You've me to thank for that, Heidi. I hope you appreciate how cleverly I set up the toilet escape by telling them you had a dicky tummy."

"It was random babbling on your part and stop calling me Heidi - I'm confused enough already."

"No, I like it - you're going to be my pretty little Fraulein today. Twirl your plaits and say something in German - it's such a turn on."

"You're barking mad, Susie. You're going to land us both in big trouble. You nearly went too far with that Schopenhauer thing. What on earth possessed you to say that? I'm surprised you've even heard of him."

"Me too, Adolf Schopenhauer, the name just popped into my head. I didn't know he was a songwriter."

"It's Arthur Schopenhauer and he's a gloomy German philosopher."

"And part-time poet, obviously," Susie added. "Arthur - that doesn't sound very Germanic. I think you're mistaken there. Next thing, you'll be telling me it was Arthur Hitler," she laughed. "I suppose it could be Arnold Schopenhauer or am I mixing him up with Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"That's hardly likely."

"I don't know: they're both Germans with dorky English first names."

"Arthur's a noble name - there's King Arthur."

"Bit of a jerk really -that business with Lancelot and Guinevere."

"You shouldn't mock a great English hero."

"What's the matter - you're not Jeffrey Arthur Smith, are you?"

"No, I'm plain Jeffrey Smith - and I hope you don't think Jeffrey is a dorky name."

"Unfashionable, but solid and reliable, it goes well with Susie," she grinned. "But at the moment I want some more Heidi."

"Can't I just be an ordinary girl?"

"I'll buy you a Toblerone - we can eat it together."

 

Chapter 28

We arrived at the town centre crossroads. "My palms are already itching, Jeffrey. Look at that - a bank on every corner."

"I suppose that gives us a sporting chance they won't pick ours to rob," I conceded.

"Cheer up - this should be just the kind of place to make you feel at home."

"Which one have you honoured with the privilege of holding your money, Susie? Something I still can't believe I'll be doing."

"Quit moaning and follow me." She led the way up to a pair of solid wooden doors festooned with polished brass. She gave them a thump. "This is what I want my funds to be behind - not some flimsy sliding glass affairs. You couldn't crash through these on a mobility scooter. That's what happened across the road and he got clean away."

"It must have been specially souped up for the occasion."

"No, he hadn't stolen anything; it was just an accident. But it makes you think twice about letting them have your money."

"I know what you mean, Susie; I only hope there are some fine upstanding Victorian bankers in here to match the doors."

We made our way into the long narrow building. "I like the smell of a bank in the early morning, Jeffrey - it's the smell of Capitalism."

"It's a heady perfume, Susie. I bet they use proper furniture polish and not that spray-on stuff."

"This oak panelling was salvaged from Nelson's wrecked flagship, the Foudroyant."

"Are you sure? I thought that was in the football club boardroom."

"Well, this bank was built to look like the bridge of a ship; there must be a bit of authentic stuff in here somewhere."

We sat on the plush leather bench under the windows while we waited. "I like this traditional atmosphere."

"Me too, but you can be too old-fashioned; they were more than sniffy when I asked for a credit card."

"Just banker's caution - that's a good thing. Anyway, they couldn't give you one, you're not old enough."

"I'm mature - they should make allowances. Sudden wealth wouldn't go to my head; I know how to look after my money."

"You're certainly adept at handling other people's."

"That's very perceptive. Banking may be my true calling - sometimes I wish I had more of a mathematical bent, like you."

"I don't think that should hold you back - economics is a black art. You'd do very well shifting money around. Creative people like you are just what the finance industry is crying out for."

"You're right: I'm not totally innumerate; I did pass GCSE maths. I should keep it in mind. It's always an advantage to have another string to your bow - know what I mean, Heidi?"

"Exactly, Susie," I sighed and whispered. "I've been weighing up the other customers while you've been rabbiting away. Take a sneaky look at that woman over there."

"I already have - you're not the only one who can do two things at the same time. She's a man: don't stare - you'll make her feel uncomfortable."

"She keeps playing with her bag; I bet she's got a gun in there - she's working up the nerve for a hold-up."

"Don't be daft: it's his first time out, that's all. He's realised it may have been wiser not to dress as Marilyn Monroe."

"That's a bank robber's favourite ploy - you read about it all the time. Why else would he come here in disguise?"

"Well, you have."

"No I haven't - I'm in disguise as Jeffrey."

"Are you really?"

"Well, sort of - I don't know. It's ... Oh bugger, here come the rest of the gang - Cher and Madonna."

"They're three strapping lasses, Jeffrey; they'd make a fair back row. This should be one hell of a robbery."

I got up to go. "We'll come back when it's over, Susie - let them steal the bank's money not ours."

"Don't you want to watch?"

"We're hostage material - move yourself."

Before I could get Susie on her feet, two men came out of the manager's office. Marilyn drew a gun and waved it in the air. One of the men stepped back and looked in our direction.

"He's coming to get us," Susie whispered.

"I hope you're satisfied - hang it, what if we end up locked in the vault. Let's run for it."

Susie held on to my arm. "Don't despair, worse things happen at sea."

"Sometimes, you verge on the Pollyannaish," I hissed.

"I don't think we've anything to worry about," Susie smiled as I tried to pull her after me. "Look who it is - and before you ask - I knew nothing about this."

The young man approaching was Steve Spooner, and back at the group they were exchanging kisses.

"Hello again, Susie, I need you to add some glamour to our little gathering. Where's Denise - is this her kid sister?"

"No, it's me," I admitted, and sank back down on the seat.

His jaw dropped. "But you're only twelve."

"Yes, and I could get you in big trouble over those pictures. You and your 'I can help you be a model'. My mum's a policewoman - she's warned me about men like you."

"Take no notice - she's winding you up." Susie interrupted.

Spooner turned to her. "And how old are you?"

"Nearly seventeen and ..."

"She's only just sixteen, and she can barely manage to act that."

"Stop it, Denise. You're just in a huff because you got in a tizzy about a bank robbery."

"Oh, our little handover ceremony with the Funnee Girlz. You have to find a way to brighten up things. I was going to ask you to be in the picture; according to old Horrocks, you're two real funny girls."

"That's a great idea; then his readers can play - 'Spot the Balls' - eh, Denise."

"You can be awfully crude, Susie."

"Come on, Cher and Madonna are handing over the cheque from their charity evening to the 'Mayor's Young People Fund' - you can pose as grateful beneficiaries."

"Where's the Mayor?" Susie asked.

"That's Marilyn: he insisted on entering into the spirit of things - though I think there may be a bit more to it than that."

"Come on, Denise, you'll be in good company." Susie took my hand and pulled me up.

Steve took a close look at my face. "Those freckles aren't real - what's going on?"

"Susie has a few little quirks; you wouldn't believe what I have to do to please her."

"You're not really twelve."

"I'm sixteen."

"She's fourteen."

"I'm not - I'm sixteen."

Steve had a closer look. "I'm taking no chances; I'm treating you like you're fourteen."

I glared at Susie as we walked over. "We're supposed to be having a quiet day at home recuperating."

"Skipping school are you?"

"We've been allowed some shopping therapy after yesterday's upset - it's all above board."

Mayor Marilyn greeted us with a smile. "Just what we need to complete the picture - two delightful representatives of the younger generation. Who do I have the pleasure of addressing?"

"This is Heidi ..."

"And she's Brunnehilde - we're on an exchange visit from Dusseldorf."

"Our twin town; it couldn't be better," he smiled and moved between us. "One on each side of me, I think. You speak excellent English; you've even picked up the local accent."

"We're half and half, aren't we, Heidi? We've a foot in both camps."

"Yes, Hildy - it can be quite confusing at times."

"You'll find being bilingual a great help in later life, dear. I wish I had a second language."

Steve Spooner arranged everyone as he wanted and we were pictured with the bank manager handing over the cheque at gunpoint to the Mayor.

"Great," Steve enthused, "just what I wanted."

"Wouldn't it have been better if they'd come as Bonnie and Clyde?" Susie suggested.

"No, dear," Cher pouted, "glamour's our thing. We don't want to walk around in dirty old raincoats."

"Is there much money in female impersonation?"

"It's a labour of love."

"Heidi likes dressing up She's an exhibitionist. You should see her mime to 'Dancing Queen' - she's very convincing."

"It's not quite the same thing."

"She could tell everyone she's a boy; there are some very pretty boys."

"That'd be cheating."

"It wouldn't matter if no one found out. The more feminine you look the better - right."

"Yes, but there's got to be artistry to go with it - that's what people want to see."

"It's not what I'd want to see. I bet nobody would know if a girl pretended to be a boy dressed up as a girl."

"They'd never get away with something like that."

"Well, I wouldn't be surprised if someone was already doing it."

"I've had my suspicions about Kylie," Madonna put in. "She's very petite."

"Don't be catty because she's younger than you; learn to grow old gracefully like me. Kylie's a nice girl and she's all boy."

"How come you're so sure - has something been going on between you two?"

"Now see what you've done," Cher seethed. "Pushing yourself into our picture and causing trouble."

"Leave the poor girl alone; it's not her fault that bloody thong's cutting you in half."

Steve stepped between them. "Hold on, I'd like a few shots of you two ladies for the archives."

I took Susie's arm. "You'd cause trouble in an empty house - let's get our money and go."

She was about to protest when the mayor stepped forward. "Come over here, girls." He steered us towards the window. "We can't have little Heidi picking up that sort of language - I've our international reputation to think of. Tell me," he beamed, "which is the best boy band in Germany?"

"I'm not interested in that sort of thing."

"Heidi is a little touchy about pop culture - she's an intellectual."

"Ah, you like the classical stuff - Pavarotti singing 'Nessun Dorma'?"

"I prefer his 'No matter how young a prune may be, it's always full of wrinkles'."

"I'm not familiar with that - it doesn't sound very highbrow."

"It's an old German folk song - it loses something in the translation."

"Well, you don't want to bother with the serious stuff when you're young. Have some fun. What are you reading at the moment?"

"Plato - 'The Souls Choose Their Lives'. Brunnehilde likes to share something metaphysical last thing at night."

"What's that about then?"

"It's an account of a soldier's near death experience. He sees souls deciding who they'll be in their next life on Earth - an animal or a man or a woman. You can choose the personality to suit you best - a housewife, a career girl, or a bimbo."

"Marilyn wasn't a bimbo - she was a serious actress. This is my tribute to a wonderful woman."

"You should come over to Dusseldorf dressed like that," Susie chipped in. "Germany's overrun with cross-dressers - they're everywhere. You could be Mayor and go around like that full time."

"I don't make a habit of this you know - it goes with the job."

"Don't worry: we'd vote for you, wouldn't we, Heidi."

"Early and often, Hildy."

"Thank you, girls," he smiled, "it's been most interesting meeting you. Look out for me on our next fact finding jaunt to Dusseldorf." He patted us both on the head. "Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."

Chapter 29

"You can relax now, Heidi and enjoy the rest of the day. Here we are, a hundred pounds the richer, and not a hair out of place."

"Just more photographic evidence against me," I reminded her, as we left the bank. "But I suppose I can always emigrate - was that true what you said about Germany?"

"I've no idea - they're jolly keen on uniforms though, aren't they? It's all the same thing."

"I'm not interested in uniforms."

"Think about it - are you sure?"

"Well, maybe one that was a nice snug fit ... and I didn't have to clump around in big heavy shoes."

"You'd like it to enhance your figure."

"Yes, but I don't want big padded shoulders or anything like that. I wouldn't want to appear butch."

"Would you mind showing off a bit of thigh?"

"No."

"How about a little cleavage?"

"A modest amount."

"I can't wait to go shopping for Bunny Denise's outfit."

"Make sure you get it in blue; I want it to match my eyes."

"Careful, Jeffrey - you may be developing a fashion sense."

"Something else I'll have to keep under wraps at school.p"

"Don't frown, it doesn't suit you." Susie pointed to the sky. "Look a rainbow - just for us. Richard Of York ... - bum, I can only make out six colours."

"Don't worry, Newton sneaked in an extra one because of seven's supposed mystical properties."

"There is something magical about rainbows," Susie reflected. "You can take the umbrella down; the sun has got his hat on. It makes me want us to skip along hand in hand."

I winced and pulled a face. "What's come over you, Susie?"

"I can't help myself; it's the effect you have on me. No more Pollyanna cracks, please." I saw a smirk forming on Susie's face.

"Before you say anything - yes, I've read it and 'Little Women' and 'Heidi'. In fact, I've read the whole bloody lot - and enjoyed them - but not as much as 'James the Red Engine'."

"I read the first page of 'Tom Brown's Schooldays', but I couldn't get into it."

"That gave me nightmares."

"Stick to the modern classics; 'The Bash Street Kids' were my favourites."

"That's no surprise at all. I just wish you didn't think we can behave like them and get away with it."

"You worry too much - remember - present fears are worse than future troubles."

"Whoever said that should be made to spend a week with you, Susie."

We wandered hand in hand down the street in a warm sea breeze. I had a big smile on my face.

"A skirt suits me, doesn't it, Susie."

"Yes, Heidi, but don't keep admiring yourself in every shop window."

"I'm only checking out how recognisable I am." I glanced sideways at my reflection. "Who's that girl, Susie?"

"Stop messing about." She took my arm and steered me across the road.

"Aren't we going home?"

"Let's make a day of it. We'll wander around for an hour and then find somewhere to eat. You can choose - as long as it's not raw fish."

"We could share a plate of tripe."

"You're joking: that's my number one crap food. Teenage girls don't eat tripe."

"Some of them talk it."

"Given half a chance, you're just as bad."

"My granddad can't get enough of it. Perhaps it's the salt, pepper and vinegar, he drowns it in, he likes. I hope you'll be polite when we're invited round for tea."

"Can we go on a day when normal junk food is on the menu?"

"They have rabbit for Sunday dinner; it's all right, but it's a nuisance picking out the lead shot."

"You shouldn't tease me, Jeffrey; I'm the girl who's emptied her current account for you. I must really be in love."

"You got six hundred and fifty in cheques," I reminded her. "What's more, I'll still be out of pocket when I get back my hundred - which by the way is in your bag."

"It's safe in there, Jeffrey."

"It'd be even safer in my pocket."

"Girls don't go around with money stuffed in their clothes; they avoid unsightly bulges."

"Five twenties is hardly a wad of notes."

"It's the principle, Jeffrey - you must rid Denise of these boyish habits. We should buy you a nice shoulder bag."

"I prefer this umbrella."

"You can't walk around with that every day - what will people think? From now on it's a bag or a pink parasol."

"It'd better be a good strong one - I want to be able to carry a half brick around in it."

We passed a vintage open topped double-decker bus being used as a tourist information centre.

"Let's go up top and wave to people - they'll think we're royalty."

"They'll think we're nuts. What's got into you, Susie?"

"It must be going around with my little sister. She makes me feel young and carefree again."

"She's supposed to make you feel old and responsible. Stop pulling on my plaits."

Susie smacked me on the bum. "Come on, let's do some window shopping."

"Okay, but I'm not trying anything on."

We reached the undercover market at the top of the street.

"Let's have a browse around in here."

"Okay," I agreed. "They don't have any changing rooms in there; I'll risk having to try on a silly hat."

The first stall in was for second hand books. "Let's see if there's anything old and interesting, Susie."

I rummaged through the piles, but all they seemed to have was modern paperbacks, car manuals and cookery books.

"Here's one for you, Heidi." Susie gleefully held up 'The Young Mother's Handbook'.

"No thanks: moths give me the creeps," I shuddered. "You won't catch me going out at night with a butterfly net."

She managed a discreet smack on my bottom. "You didn't have to do that, Susie - a pun is its own reword."

She rolled her eyes, but before she could retaliate a cry of panic came from across the aisle. "I've swallowed the stone."

We looked up and at the farm shop stall a small boy of about four was clutching at his throat.

"Serves you right, you greedy pig; you'll be dead within the hour," his older sister, laughed. "A damson tree will grow in your stomach and come up out of the top of your head."

"No it won't," he shrieked. "Mum, where are you?"

"Yes it will - you're doomed. I'm going to plant you in the garden and the dog will pee on you."

The boy burst into tears.

"I hope you didn't treat Mikey like that, Susie. It could scar a kid for life."

"That's all water under the bridge - I'm a reformed character. Watch this: you may have a way with babies, but this situation calls for someone well versed in child psychology."

Susie picked up a discarded damson stone and went over to the pair.

"Don't worry, we'll soon have it up and out. When I pat you on the back, cough into this handkerchief."

Susie held it to his lips and gave me a confident wink. "Ready - one, two, three."

She thumped him on the back. The lad coughed, hiccupped and gulped. Susie opened the handkerchief with a flourish. "Well done - you can keep it as a souvenir."

"There's nothing in there," his sister crowed.

"Yes, there is," he wailed. "I felt something in my throat."

"It must have stuck up your nose then, now you'll die even quicker."

Susie shook the hanky and when nothing came out, the boy screamed even louder.

She looked at me in alarm. "Where's it gone, Heidi?"

"The obvious place, Susie." I put my hand on the boy's ear and tweaked it. "There we are," I said, as I flipped my concealed stone forward, caught it and gave it to the boy. "No damage done."

"You're an interfering busybody with silly little girl hair." The sister yanked on my plait.

"Leave her alone." The boy kicked his sister on the shin and they were at it like cat and dog.

"Do something, Susie."

"Don't be alarmed, Heidi; it's only healthy sibling rivalry, something you've never experienced."

"Thank God for that. Move yourself - here comes the mother. Let's be off."

I pulled Susie towards the door.
"I don't know why we should always be making hasty exits," she protested, "it's undignified."

"Never mind that - come on."

Back out on the street, I took Susie's hand. "I got you out of another hole you dug for yourself," I smirked.

"Sometimes, Jeffrey, you can be insufferable," she whispered.

"Don't begrudge Heidi her little triumphs, Susie - it's not sisterly."

"I have to admit it was deftly done. What would I do without you, Jeeves? You're full of hidden talents."

"All those long lonely hours in my bedroom before I met you - I had to find something to do with my hands," I explained flipping a coin back and forth across my knuckles. "A neat trick, isn't it, Susie? I should be the magician and you should be my assistant - I know quite a few card tricks."

"Don't show them to me, Jeffrey."

"Let's go in Menzies, Susie, the local paper will have arrived."

"Do you want to see if we're famous?"

"I'd like to know if I'm going to be notorious."

We made our way to the newspaper racks. The bomb scare was front-page news, but the only photo was of an actor who'd had a walk on part as a minor monster in Doctor Who.

"Look at that: he's got his picture in the paper and he left an hour before anything happened."

"You've been saved by the media obsession with Z-class celebrities. It seems our heroism has gone unreported; we haven't even made it as a piece of light relief." Susie moaned as she thumbed her way through to the back pages. "No mention either of local girl triumphs in chess tournament. It's football, football, football."

"Perhaps they'll squeeze you in tomorrow with the snooker, darts and dominoes."

"Philistines!" She threw the paper down. "Come on, we'll have a read of the magazines."

"I've a lot of catching up to do; so don't rush me away."

"No top shelf stuff, no lad's mags and keep away from 'Sugar' - I don't want Heidi reading that."

"As if - and on all three counts," I huffed as we went across to the racks. "I used to hope the BBC would do a spin-off magazine from the weather forecast - they seem to do one for practically every other programme."

"With a weather girl of the month, Jeffrey," Susie whispered.

"Of course, but tastefully done and fully clothed."

I was working my way through 'The Sky at Night' when Susie held up 'Lancashire Life'. "Look at this prom gown Stephanie's advertising: would you wear that for me?"

"Need you ask?" I peered over her shoulder. "It's above the knee - isn't that on the short side for a gown?"

"It's so very feminine," she sighed. "Just the kind of thing I'd love to see you wearing - a laser cut couture dress."

"What does that mean?"

"It means the price is five thousand four hundred pounds."

I didn't even blink. "Worth every penny - no doubt it'd be a wise investment."

Susie looked up nonplussed. "Jeffrey," she whispered, "are you okay?"

"Fine, thanks: at five hundred pounds, I would have felt my little nest egg was in danger, but five thousand - not even you are crazy enough to fall for that, Susie. Buy the magazine and do some photoshopping."

"Perhaps Stephanie would give us a trade discount."

"It'd still be thousands. You've a better chance going to the car boot sale on Sunday - that woman might be emigrating to Australia again."

"I don't give up so easily; we'll be having another encounter with Stephanie. She likes us: anything could happen. You just promise to be a good girl and cooperate."

"You don't think that wedding dress is in the same price range, do you?"

"Would it give you an extra thrill if it was?"

"Probably, but it's a bit disconcerting to think I may have a five thousand pound dress hanging in my wardrobe. If there were a fire, it'd be the first thing - after mum - I'd have to save. The neighbours may not fully understand why I'm standing in the street clutching a wedding dress to me."

"The see-through babydoll nightie may be more of a giveaway."

"I sleep in my vest and underpants," I snorted and turned back to the magazines.

Susie worked her way through the car magazines and I had a peaceful ten minutes before she spoke again. "What are you reading?"

"Steam Days."

"What's that about?"

"Old trains - there's a whole shelf of magazines for railway enthusiasts. Perhaps I'd be better off with an obsession like that."

"I wouldn't recommend it. Going around in an anorak writing down train numbers just proves there's a very fine line between a hobby and mental illness."

"What's wrong in being fascinated with figures?" I huffed. "Anyway, there's more to it than that ..."

"Put it down - twelve year old girls don't read that sort of thing."

"I'm fourteen and I'm precocious. Anyway, what about you with those trucking magazines?"

"Don't argue. Here, read this computer magazine - it's gender neutral."

"With a cover like that."

"It's a very nice outfit; I can see you in it now."

"I'm not interested in mindless games; I'll stick to the serious stuff if you don't mind." I exchanged it for a copy of 'PC Plus'. "I count these magazines every time I come in - they never seem to sell any. It's the same with nearly all of them."

"Because people like you read them for free."

"But why stock all these copies?"

"They've nothing to lose; it's sale or return; they send them back to be pulped."

"Then why print them in the first place? They must know how many they sell."

"Maybe it's VAT fraud."

"There isn't any VAT on magazines."

"Oh, don't be a bloody nuisance - are you ready to go?"

"Ten minutes: I want to read all the help and problem pages in the computer mags. Have a flick through 'Good Housekeeping' - it won't do you any harm."

Susie gave a tug on my plait. "I'll go and have a look through the Highway Code that will be much more useful."

I was left undisturbed until I felt something brush against my legs.

"Don't move, dear, or you'll step on my mobile phone."

I looked down and there was a man crawling around on his hands and knees.

"I can't quite reach it - would you mind parting your legs, sweetheart?"

He pushed on my foot and I felt his head lift my skirt. "Watch out - you'll have me over."

"Shush, I've got you," he hissed and slid his hand up my leg.

"Susie!" I cried and swatted him about the shoulders with the magazine.

"Keep still, or the pictures will be all blurry."

I hopped off to one side and lurched into Susie's arms.

The man jumped to his feet and dashed for the door. "Thanks for being such a good sport, darling - you've lovely legs."

"Aw, Susie - he's taken pictures of my bum."

"Don't worry," he called over his shoulder, "I won't be passing them round, they're for my own private collection - they'll have pride of place."

"Come on, we can catch him."

"No, it doesn't matter; who's going to know? I haven't got my name in my knickers."

"I leave you alone for five minutes and you get into trouble."

"It's no laughing matter; that wasn't very nice."

"A good sport - I heard him. What did you do to make a young man so happy."

"I was slow to catch on what was happening. I've no experience of that sort of thing. You should have been looking out for me."

"It wasn't my fault; you should know girls always have to be on the alert for wolves. Wait until you see your first flasher."

"We won't be walking in any parks with me dressed like this. In fact, the sooner we get home the better."

"One more stop and it's somewhere very upmarket, so behave yourself. Pull your skirt down and act more ladylike - you can't be a tomboy all your life."

 

Chapter 30

"Here we are - 'Nobbs the Jeweller' - this is a real high-class place."

"If you say so, Susie - I know little of such things."

"There isn't some fancy French way of pronouncing the name, is there? I wouldn't want to make a fool of myself."

"You got it spot on. His son's in our year at school - Ray Nobbs."

"Really, I thought his father owned a fish and chip shop."

"No, that's Mushy Pearce's dad."

"What about Darren Wall - why does everyone calls him Walter?"

"His dad owns a carpet shop."

"What does Shufflebottom's dad do?"

"What else, Susie - iguzzabout purrinipsifowk."

"Come again."

"Iguzzabout purrinipsifowk. He's a reet clever mon - as my granddad would say."

"Jeffrey!"

"Yes, chuck."

"Stop it!"

"You started it. Do you want to know what Roger Ramsbottom's dad does?"

"No thank you: names and natures often agree."

"I like having a common name - how about you, Susie?"

"I'm happy to be a plain Smith or Jones; I certainly wouldn't want to be a Nobbs. He'll find it a big handicap when it comes to getting a date, believe me."

"I wouldn't be too sure, Susie, some girls may think with a name like that he could open a lot of doors for them."

"Get in there, Heidi and let's see if they've anything sharp enough for a smart young lady like you."

"I'd rather not."

"What's the matter now?"

"I'm not having anything pierced."

"The thought never crossed my mind."

"Well, I'm only looking, not spending; the mark-up in these places is ridiculous."

"You have a definite miserly streak, Jeffrey."

"I'm careful, Susie, that's all. If you want anything of this sort, every two months they have a fine art auction just down the road. That's the place to go - cut out the middleman."

"Have you bought anything from one?"

"No: it's not my kind of stuff, but I have from their general sales. Where do you think I got all my bikes? Nobody wants racers; they go for a song."

"I bet they're more trouble than they're worth."

"Fixing them out is part of the fun. Just keep in mind, Susie - thrift is the best revenue."

"I've enough money to last me a lifetime as long as I don't spend any isn't my philosophy."

"As long as I spend Jeffrey's - that seems to be your philosophy. Let's go to Primark instead; they've a nice floral dress for fifteen pounds. I saw it in the weekend magazine."

She took my arm and ushered me into the shop. "I've a lot of work to do with you."

"It had a pretty bow to go with my little girl look. That's more me; I'm too young for expensive jewellery."

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend at any age."

"They're a terrible investment - it's throwing money away."

Our hands strayed as we grappled with each other on the way to the counter and set us off giggling. We didn't stop laughing until we looked up and were greeted by Laurel and Hardy.

Stan was carrying a sledgehammer and Ollie a sawn-off shotgun.

We grasped each other around the waist and slowly backed away.

"What was that you said about future troubles, Susie?"

"I think we may have gate-crashed a lunch time party. It must be someone's birthday - let's come back later."

"Don't be silly, girls, you'll make the numbers up nicely - come and park yourselves here," the big one barked through his mask. He waved us over with his gun.

"Don't be scared, it's probably only a harmless replica," Susie whispered.

"They don't make imitation sawn-off shotguns," I hissed. "I knew we shouldn't have come in here."

"Shut up and do as I tell you. Get over there."

With his free hand he shoved us to where the two staff were sitting.

"Down on the floor - that's right - now put your hands under your bums."

I put my umbrella beside me and Mr Laurel came and snatched Susie's bag.

"Ah, what have we here?" He took out the hundred pounds.

"You can't steal from us," Susie protested. "We're the deserving poor - not poor little rich girls. We've never been in a shop with carpets before."

"I'm not Robin bleeding Hood," he snarled. "Where's your mobile phone?"

"Lost it in a mugging and all my money. That's Heidi's life savings you've pinched. She's been up at six every morning on her paper round. We're here to buy mum's birthday present."

He looked at me. "Have you any more hidden away?"

I shook my head.

"You leave Heidi alone; she's only twelve. You'll be in big trouble if you touch her."

Ollie had finished opening the showcases. "Will you stop messing about with petty cash, pudding head - you're in the big-time now. Chuck that money in here and get this bag filled."

"Sorry, boss, but you can't beat ready cash. We should have done a bank that's where the real money is."

"Will you shut up and do your job."

They both turned their attention to scooping up the stock with occasional glances in our direction.

I looked at Susie. "Pinky and Perky had a nasty fright there; they've gone all goose pimply."

"I'm sorry, Heidi, I'll give them some tender loving care later - but you can't blame me for this. There's no flying from fate."

"Hell, Susie, what books have you been reading now - Patience Strong?"

"What do you mean? That's Shakespeare - he's the man for a crisis."

"You're right about that at least - this is another fine kettle of fish we've landed in."

"Don't worry; they're a pair of incompetents. They won't get away with it."

"That's no comfort - there'll be a siege," I moaned. "We'll be hostages, stuck in here for days."

The girl shop assistant burst into tears. "Now look what you've done with your defeatist talk. Keep your pecker up, ducks," Susie called across to her and then turned to me. "You too, Heidi."

"I wish I'd stayed in bed."

"You'll get plenty of chances for that; we'll be able to wangle a week off school after this."

"Lest you forget, Susie, Heidi isn't a real exchange student; I might have certain difficulties."

"One thing at a time. First, we have to work out how to stop them getting away with our cash."

"When you don't know what to do, wait."

"You can do better than that; I have full confidence in your ability to handle awkward situations."

"This is a little bit more than awkward, Susie."

"Shut up back there." Mr Hardy turned from trying to open the display cabinet containing the watches. "Where's the key for this?"

"That's Mr Nobbs' department," the male assistant answered. "He takes his keys with him when he goes to lunch."

"That's his special interest," the girl added. "He's a horologist."

"Bloody pervert," Mr Laurel sniggered. "Out of the way - I'll fix it."

He swung his sledgehammer. The glass shattered and an alarm went off.

"You bloody fool - now look what you've done."

"It worked, didn't it?"

They began scooping up the watches.

"That's enough - leave the rest," Mr Hardy shouted. "Come on - move yourself."

He swung the bag on his shoulder and rushed out of the door into the street.

Stan stuffed a few more trinkets in his pocket as he followed and couldn't resist bending down to pick up something shiny off the floor.

Susie launched herself forward. "Come on, Heidi, up and at 'em - follow me."

She surprised him with a well-aimed kick up the backside that sent him sprawling.

"You bloody bitch," he gasped as he sprang back up and turned towards us, still holding his hammer.

"He's an agile little bugger, I'll give him that," Susie trembled as she backed into me. "I think I may be needing some assistance."

With the alarm ringing in his ears, he was torn between whether to settle with her or run for it. He hesitated and looked back at the door.

Susie turned to me. "Close your eyes and bop him one, Heidi; it worked for you before."

"I've come a long way since then, from now on I'm keeping my eyes wide open."

I rammed the point of the umbrella onto the top of his breastbone.

"Aaaaarrrgggghhhh." His cry drowned the alarm. He dropped the hammer and clutched at his chest.

"Stand back, Susie. Let the dog see the rabbit."

I reversed the brolly and delivered a mighty thwack between his legs. He collapsed onto the floor, writhing in pain.

"Jolly hockey sticks, Heidi; have you been secretly joining the girls for games? You never cease to amaze me."

"Or myself," I panted and leaned on the brolly.

Susie stepped forward and ripped off the Stan Laurel mask. "Golly, he looks sort of like Clint Eastwood - it hasn't been his lucky day, has it?"

"He lacks his physical presence, Susie; he's a bit of a runt."

"Yes, but he had a sledgehammer - don't belittle our achievement. We've collared a highly dangerous armed robber. I think there's a fund to reward public-spirited citizens like us."

"I'd rather slip quietly away. No publicity is the best publicity in our case, Susie; I wish you'd remember that."

"I'll keep it at the forefront of my mind." She put her hand on my shoulder. "One down - one to go. It'll be a lot less bother if we get our own money back."

"Do you mean what I think you mean?"

"We're on a roll, Heidi," Susie whooped and pulled me out of the door. "Sit on him until the police arrive," she yelled over her shoulder at the jewellers.

The Oliver Hardy mask was lying on the pavement. Susie looked up and down the street. "We want a big guy carrying a cricket bag. That's right, isn't it?"

"Yes, with a sawn-off shotgun in it; let's not get to close."

"We'll have to find him first. Nobody seems to be making a fuss - where's the rat gone?"

I'd seen where the rat had gone and was wondering if I should tell Susie. Well, at least it would get us away from the scene of the crime.

"There he is - in that car." I pointed over the road. "All we can do is take the number."

"Wait, he's getting out - and boy, is he mad."

"We've walloped his driver, Susie - he hasn't any keys."

"You're right. He's checking out the other cars - he's going to steal one."

"Uh oh, I think something more ambitious has come to mind."

He'd wandered up to the front of the tourist information bus and after a quick look inside swung himself up into the driver's seat.

Susie broke into a run. "Come on, or we'll miss the last bus."

"No," I shouted as I chased after her. "It's only money, Susie."

"But it's our money," she puffed and put on a sprint. She threw herself on board as it lurched forward.

My skirt rode up alarmingly when I made a wild leap onto the platform. "Have you thought what we're going to do next?" I cried as she pulled me inside.

"One thing at a time," she gasped. "You can't expect me to think of everything - we're a team after all."

I ran my hand over my bottom. "Have I split anything?"

"No, but you were a fine sight in full flight. Have you done any cheerleading?"

"Only in front of the mirror. Short skirts make me want to dance around and show of my knickers- is that normal?"

"Completely: we'll discuss it in more detail tonight."

We made our way to the front of the bus. Susie flopped down into a chair at the information officer's desk.

"What's going on?" The startled woman demanded.

"I think we're all booked for the mystery tour."

"I want to know what's happening. Who's driving the bus - Joe's not due back until four. Is this some silly student prank?"

"You've been hijacked," Susie replied. "The skunk up front robbed the jewellers and pinched our money into the bargain - bloody cheek." She turned to me. "We're not letting him get away with it, are we, Heidi?"

"We are at the moment, Susie."

"Don't be negative - we've already downed his sidekick."

"I've only my umbrella, Susie; this one has a shotgun." I reminded her.

"God help us! We'll all be murdered in our beds," the woman shrieked.

"You'll be all right." Susie leaned across and squeezed her hand. "Have you a mobile phone?"

"No, I can't be doing with the fiddly little things. My dog ate the last one - it cost me a fortune in vet's bills."

"Bugger. Well, never mind - we've got him trapped."

"I suppose you could look at it that way, Susie."

"I'm the one who's trapped," the woman wailed. "When he stops I can't make a run for it like you two. I'm wearing surgical stockings - I'll be at his mercy."

Susie went over and put an arm around her. "Don't worry - we won't be leaving. I'll tell you a little secret about Heidi: you wouldn't think it to look at her, but she's well-endowed in the brains department - she virtually lives on fish."

The woman gulped and wiped a tear from her eye. "Do you know anything about computers, dear? Since I cleaned this screen with a brillo pad, it's been on the blink."

"It's better if we don't distract her at the moment. Just sit back and relax. I must say he's giving us a nice smooth ride; I was hoping he'd sideswipe a few cars and draw attention to himself."

I felt the woman staring at me and heard her whisper. "She seems such a harmless little thing."

"Don't you believe it. I wouldn't like to be in chummy's pants - see how she's fingering her umbrella."

"What good is that against a shotgun?"

"Wait and see. I bet you've already everything all worked out, haven't you, Heidi?"

"As a matter of fact I have, Susie."

I picked up the waste paper basket and filled it from the pile of brochures.

"Let's go upstairs and enjoy the wind in our hair, Susie."

"Please, don't leave me here alone."

"You'll be okay - get down under the desk and keep quiet."

Susie turned away and led the way upstairs.

"That was a bit harsh; she's frightened."

"It was for her own good. Don't get me wrong, Jeffrey - it's not that I lack confidence in you, but ... er..."

"But what, Susie?"

"Scattering a few brochures, as we go on our merry way, may not be the most effective means of raising the alarm."

"We won't be wasting our time doing that - we'll wait for the right opportunity and drop them off all in one go."

"Where, Jeffrey?"

"On his head, Susie."

"A plan stunning in its simplicity, Jeffrey."

"Let's hope so, Susie."

We made our way to the front of the top deck and I leaned over the side. "This is perfect - directly above the driver's door."

Susie had picked up the full wastebasket and was testing its weight. "I wouldn't like this to fall on my head from a great height; do you think there are too many in there?"

"I don't know - but we want to knock him out, not inspire him to discover the theory of gravity."

She shrugged her shoulders. "We'll be bombarding him with data; we wouldn't want him to die from an information overload. A bizarre incident like that would be just the sort of thing to get the red tops interested."

"In that case, we'll put everything back where it was, say he fell out of the cab onto his head and hope they believe us."

"In his haste to get away, he forgot he was in a bus and stepped out into thin air."

"Stranger deaths have happened."

"Course they have: there was the chap with a bald head which was mistaken for a tortoise - what's-his-name."

"You're getting mixed up - that's Aeschylus."

"No, it's the gospel truth - it's another of those Greek myths. Don't look so surprised - you're not the only one with a well-stocked mind."

"I know: I marvel at the stuff you've managed to cram in there. It leaves me speechless at times. But can we get back to the point - are we going to give him the full works?"

Susie stuffed the brochures in more tightly. "I suppose we're entitled to err on the side of caution. We don't want a bear with a sore head coming after us with a shotgun."

"Especially if we're on our own, Susie." I turned and looked back down the road. "There's no sign of anyone coming after us. It seems he couldn't have made a better choice of getaway vehicle."

"We'll just have to enjoy the ride then, Heidi. Come here, I've been wanting to get my hand up your skirt all morning."

"I should keep a clear head, Susie. I don't think this is the best time for you to bring out the little girl in me."

"Jeffrey rules, okay," she grinned. "The seats are wet anyway. Let's stand here gripping the rail with the wind blowing through our hair and make believe this old bus is the Titanic."

I reluctantly took my place alongside her. "The things I do for you, Susie," I sighed. "It's a lousy film - having to sit through that ruined my Christmas Day. They couldn't hit the iceberg soon enough for me. I only wish a pack of starving polar bears had come on board at the same time."

"You'd enjoy it more now."

"No, I wouldn't. I hate blockbusters - especially soppy ones. I like B-films - science fiction B-films - in vivid fifties colour. Anything in vivid fifties colour, in fact. And forties film-noir - a femme fatale and a doomed hero who's a hapless victim of forces beyond his control - know what I mean, Susie?"

"I haven't a clue, Jeffrey." Susie put her arm around me and squeezed. "You can't fool me; you're a romantic at heart. Which films make you go all gooey?"

"None - I don't do gooey."

"There must be one."

"Okay - 'The Apartment' - satisfied. Now can we go and sit under my umbrella; it's raining again."

"Don't be a spoilsport - stay here and we can pretend it's the spray in our faces. It's not like we're in any danger of hitting an iceberg."

"If only I could be sure of that."

"This is it, Susie, we're slowing down."

"Look - that must be his getaway car in the lay-by up ahead."

The bus came to a halt and I swung the basket over the side above the driver's door. "Get ready, Susie."

"I hope he's going to need more than a couple of aspirins to get over this."

"I think we can be pretty sure it'll spoil his day - at the very least."

Susie leant over and took hold of one side of the basket. "We'll do it together, Jeffrey - just in case we kill him. He might have one of those egg shell skulls you read about."

I smiled across at her. "Thanks, Susie: don't worry - the worst it can be is manslaughter."

"I wouldn't mind doing time chained up to you, Jeffrey."

"Shush - he's opening the door."

The robber jumped down, gun in hand, directly beneath us and was about to lean back in for his bag. "Bombs away," we couldn't help crying out together.

He looked up and took the hit squarely between the eyes.

"Judged to perfection," Susie exalted as he collapsed in a heap. "It just goes to show the power of the printed word."

"Back of the head would have been better - that's the place to give them concussion. Let's get down there double quick," I urged.

We clattered down the stairs.

"Stay where you are," Susie shouted to the woman. "We've got everything under control."

"I wish you wouldn't tempt fate - get a move on."

We ran to the front of the bus where the robber was lying motionless face down on the ground.

"He's a big bugger, Jeffrey."

"Like a beached whale, Susie. It's hard to believe he was once a tiny baby."

"Great oafs from little acorns grow."

"This one's fallen on its gun; we'll have to do some log rolling."

We squatted down and began shoving on one side.

"He's a dead weight."

No sooner had Susie said it than he let out a low moan.

"Oh, Jeffrey - he's coming round."

"No wonder, look at the neck muscles on him. I'm surprised he doesn't choke himself when he swallows. It's not natural - he must be on steroids. He reminds me of Bluto."

"Built like a brick shit house is the correct technical term, I believe. We may be somewhat overmatched. I'm having second thoughts about a citizen's arrest."

"You haven't a tin of spinach in your bag, have you?"

"No, but you've got your umbrella."

"Short of thrusting it in his eye socket, I can't think of what else will stop him."

"We can't do anything terminal. Do you think we can outrun him?"

"Perhaps, but not a shotgun blast."

"We can out drive one though; get in there, Jeffrey."

 

Chapter 31

Susie pushed me into the cab and I pulled her up after me.

"Don't look so worried, if he can drive it, I can drive it."

"I don't doubt that - I just hope you can stop it."

Susie settled in behind the wheel. "Gee, that's a big gear stick - put your hand on with me, Jeffrey."

We shoved it into first gear and the bus lurched forward. "Sticky clutch," Susie grimaced. "I'll soon get the hang of it."

There was a knock on the window. "I think our passenger wants to say something."

"This is no time for back seat driving, Jeffrey - tell her to shut up."

Before I could say anything there was a loud bang, a rattling sound and a cry of pain.

"I've been shot; I'm going to die," she screamed through the window.

I turned to see the woman grasping her bottom. "Don't worry," I shouted, "my granddad's got a backside full of buckshot and he's okay. Keep your head down."

The woman dropped down back under her desk. "For goodness sake get us out of here or we'll all be killed."

"He's a bloody cheek," Susie fumed. "We shouldn't have been so squeamish; we should have settled with him back there."

"We're about to get another chance because he's jumping on board - shift gear, Susie."

The change was as smooth as I expected - I swear the bus bucked. "He didn't expect that; we've left him flat on his backside."

"It's his own fault: he shouldn't have tried to get on while the bus was in motion."

He was back on his feet and taking aim. "Put your foot down, Susie, he's going to let us have the second barrel."

There was bang and the rear window shattered.

"I've a good mind to back this bus over him, but I think reverse may be beyond me."

"He's really annoyed now - just concentrate on getting as far away as possible."

"I can see him in the mirror; he's making for that car."

"He's going to be coming after us - we've got his loot." I indicated the bag under my feet.

"That's a bonus. What do you think our reward will be, Jeffrey?"

"As long as it's not in Heaven, I don't bloody care, Susie."

"Well, retrieve our money, while you've the chance, otherwise we might have to wait months to get it back."

"Now I'm tampering with evidence," I groaned as I dug into the bag.

"A technicality, Jeffrey - we'll be lauded as heroes for this little effort."

"Heroines," Susie I sighed as I stuffed the money in my pocket. "What name am I going to give?"

"Stick to Heidi and hope for the best. Look on the bright side - he may be killed in a shoot-out and that will be the end of the matter."

My reply was drowned in a blaring of horns. "Watch out, Susie."

"Calm down, Jeffrey, you're in no danger. I'm getting the hang of this - but I'm open to any advice you may have."

"Stay on your own side of the road, Susie - that'd be a good start."

"Don't worry, they'll blink first if they know what's good for them - this is a bus."

"I'd be happier if it were a tank."

"Never mind criticising my driving - think what we're going to do next. He's following us and there's a set of red traffic lights ahead."

Susie pulled up behind a white van and I glanced back down the bus.

"Oh God, there's passengers getting on - what are they thinking of?"

"They must be fed up of waiting in the rain. Any of them look like they could be in the S.A.S?"

"Dad's Army is the best they can offer."

"Here we go again." Susie put the bus in gear and executed a smooth getaway. "How about that? I'll soon be ready for a HGV licence at this rate. Our passengers will have nothing to worry about."

"I don't think so, Susie; they're being given an earful of tourist information. There'll be a mass exodus if you stop again."

"Is there a police station around here? That'd be a good place to head for."

"We're heading out of town; they closed them down around here to save money."

"Typical, you can never find a police station when you need one."

"I hate to mention it, but we're coming up to the learner driver's nightmare; the dreaded figure eight, multi-lane roundabout."

"I'm ready for it, Jeffrey - sitting up here behind this big steering wheel in control of a double-decker fills me with confidence. I feel like the captain of an oil tanker."

"All I know is, it's a hairy experience on a bike."

"What do all these white lines and yellow boxes mean? They're confusing me."

"I thought you'd been reading the Highway Code."

"This is more like modern art, Jeffrey. That chap Bilko who daubs rectangles all over the shop must have got a job with the local council."

"Rothko, Susie."

"That's the one - I knew it had an 'o' in it. Is he the 'Big O' or was that Picasso?"

"That was Roy Orbison - lately, I find myself humming 'Running Scared' nearly every day."

"He's dead, isn't he?"

"They're all dead, Susie and unless you want us to join them keep left, give way to the right and you can't go wrong."

Susie entered the traffic with a continuous blast on the horn. "Just a precaution; not all drivers are au fait with modern road etiquette."

A car going the other way shot past on our inside and another on the outside. "What's that ringing noise, Jeffrey? It seems to be coming from behind my head. Are we on fire?"

"No, Susie, it's the passengers hammering on the bell. They want to get off - and I can't blame them."

"Tell them to close their eyes - I have."

We emerged unscathed through a blaring of horns, leaving a couple of cars stranded in the middle of the island.

"That wasn't too bad. Did you see the looks on some of those faces - you'd think they'd never seen a bus before."

"You went round anti-clockwise, Susie."

"So: I was in the left lane like you told me."

"That was the right lane; you went the wrong way."

"Left is left, Jeffrey."

"If you say so: sometimes it feels like I've fallen into an alternate universe."

"Don't sulk: you have to make allowances ..."

She was interrupted by shouting and banging on the back window.

I pulled down the blind. "Listen to that language, Susie - what an example to set the younger generation. I don't know what pensioners are coming too."

"They're getting a free ride - what more do they want. They'll all have been hippies, Jeffrey - no respect for authority. National Service would have sorted them out."

"And continuous assessment - they never had enough exams, that's the trouble. They didn't know they were born."

"Well, they can vote with their feet - more bloody lights coming up."

We came to a halt and I sneaked a look under the blinds. There was a stampede for the exit. "Like rats abandoning a sinking ship; we're on our own now, Susie."

"All the better: if it comes to a showdown and we kill him, there'll be no witnesses."

We pulled away and this time Susie ground through the gears. "Bit of a nuisance, this stopping and starting, it interrupts my flow."

"Drachten in Holland has replaced traffic lights with roundabouts."

"Every man for himself, eh."

"They've done away with all signs and painted lines."

"I'd vote for that."

"Road safety is the responsibility of drivers."

"A very forward thinking people, the Dutch."

"They believe a sense of danger encourages personal responsibility and awareness."

"Spot on, Jeffrey."

"It makes you concentrate on protecting yourself and so you avoid injuring others."

"It sounds like they designed it with me in mind. Would it suit you?"

"It'd encourage me to leave my bike in the shed."

He was still on our tail and the traffic was thinning out. We could soon be the only vehicles on the road. "We're playing into his hands, Susie. He's going to get an opportunity to make things difficult for us - any ideas about what we should do?"

"You could climb out of the window onto the top deck, rip up a seat and throw it at his windscreen."

"You're confusing me with someone else in the Legion of Superheroes. I'm Cross-Dresser Kid: my special power is the ability to dress up in women's clothing - at will."

"Don't knock it, Jeffrey - it's proved pretty useful up to now."

I thought over what Susie had said. "Turn off here."

"Are you sure we want to be going down a narrow twisty country lane?"

"He won't be able to pass us and it's either that or through the centre of Doulton - a town not built for the horseless carriage. I think the wheel may have come as a bit of a surprise to them. One man and his dog could cause a snarl-up in those narrow streets."

"Dad wouldn't mind doing some business there."

"He's welcome to it. Pavements hardly wider than kerbs - I always keep my eyes open for someone throwing a bucket of shit out of a top window."

"You'll never make an estate agent, Jeffrey - thank God!"

"Keep praying, Susie, we're coming up to a cyclist."

"This road ain't big enough for both of us." Susie held down the horn. "Look at him go, Jeffrey."

"He's a serious cyclist; that's an expensive bike."

"Have you a pair of Lycra shorts?"

"No: there are some things I'm not prepared to wear - even for you. I'm sticking to tracksuit bottoms."

"Cycling hasn't given him a bum like yours, Jeffrey."

"You can't compare me with a professional athlete."

"He's weakening, Jeffrey. Get out of the way, you daft bugger."

The cyclist gave a last despairing look under his arm, braked, jumped off and threw himself into the ditch.

"He lost his nerve," Susie observed as we scrunched over his bike. "He had plenty of time to save it."

"I don't know about that - I'm pretty sure I saw the whites of his eyes. I hope he's okay."

"I can see him in the mirror; he's jumping up and down, shaking his fist at us."

"There can't be much wrong with him then."

"He is covered in a green slime; I hope he hasn't swallowed any."

"It doesn't seem to do the frogs any harm - it's probably very nutritious."

"That was a funny noise when we went over the bike."

"Shattering carbon fibre, Susie - it probably cost thousands."

"Will it have much scrap value?"

"Not unless there's a sudden worldwide pencil shortage."

"Wouldn't you much rather have that dress than waste money on a silly old bike?"

"I don't know about that - which do you think would hold its value better?"

"We'll talk about that after we get our reward. If this fool keeps following us, we're bound to lead him into a police trap, aren't we?"

"I'm sure something will turn up. It's clear ahead now, Susie, go on - put your foot down on this nice straight bit."

She needed no encouragement. "Not many springs on this old bus, are there? It's quite exhilarating bouncing along like this. I think I need a steadying hand on my thigh."

"Well, don't reciprocate - keep both your hands on the wheel. Did you see that sign we just passed."

"What was it - dangerous curves?"

"No - low bridge."

Susie stared down the road. "This looks like it may be a tight squeeze. What are we going to do?"

"We'll have to trust to your luck - don't slow down."

"I'm not sure about this. I googled 'Susie and Jeffrey' to see if there were any famous ones."

"Really?"

"All I got were Blondie lyrics. Do you know what happens to them in the song?"

"He drives their car into a wall and they die happily ever after."

"Is that why you're nervous about my driving - do you think it may be an omen?"

"I don't need any omens to be nervous of your driving. Omens and all that mumbo-jumbo stuff are nonsense; we're going crash a bus into a bridge and live happily ever after."

Susie lined us up to pass under dead centre. "Hold on, Jeffrey!"

Crrrruuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnch.

We hurtled under the bridge and emerged as a single-decker.

Crrrraaaaaaaaaaaasssshhh.

The remains of our top deck hit the road. A piercing screech was followed by a satisfying thump.

"Never touched me, Mother," I yelled as we ground to a halt.

"I think my big end's gone, Jeffrey." Susie slumped back in her seat with relief. "Actually, I've no idea what I'm talking about - come here."

We had a long passionate kiss. "I think we should stop now, Susie," I gasped. "This can't be helping our adrenaline levels return to normal."

"Who cares?"

"Restrain yourself, Susie - we'd better check there are no unpleasant surprises creeping up on us."

"You Germans are so bloody practical, Heidi."

We jumped down and contemplated what had been the upper deck. "Like knocking the top of an egg, Susie."

"I certainly made a neat job of it. I was under pressure and I steered us right through the middle. If we'd hit the side of the arch, it would have been goodbye Susie and Jeffrey."

"There's a lot to be said for keeping on the straight and narrow, Susie. Perhaps you should take that as an omen. Now, let's make sure we're in no more danger."

We walked cautiously back to the bridge and had to pick our way through a sea of lettuces. "Where did all these come from, Jeffrey?"

I pointed to a tractor disappearing into the distance. "We must have shaken them out of its trailer when it was crossing the bridge."

Susie picked a couple up. "They're nice crisp specimens; you're the gardener, Jeffrey - what are they?"

"Icebergs - what else?"

"And we haven't even got our feet wet - we're unsinkable, Jeffrey."

"Careful, Susie - let's not tempt fate again."

We came up to the wreckage of the top deck lying in middle of the road. Skid marks leading up to it veered off to the right.

The car was on its side in the ditch. "That could have been us, Jeffrey," Susie shuddered. "It certainly makes you think."

"That's no bad thing, Susie - we should let the shipwrecks of others be our lighthouses."

"Truer words were never spoken," she solemnly intoned.

I feared she might be in shock and gave her a hug. "Are you all right, Susie?"

She turned and kissed me. "Never better, Jeffrey - a moment of considered reflection is a sign of maturity. You'll understand when you're my age."

"I am your age."

"Not mentally, Heidi." She patted my head and then couldn't resist dancing a little jig. "We downed both of the buggers. Innocent kids versus a couple of hardened criminals armed with a sledgehammer and a sawn-off shotgun. What about that?"

"It was no contest, Susie - they were up against a matched pair of junior Purdeys."

"You can't beat good old-fashioned teamwork," she smiled. "Sometimes I get a little shiver of excitement when I think what we're capable of together, Jeffrey."

"I know exactly what you mean, Susie."

"You can't fool me - you love it, Jeffrey. Do you think we should play the good Samaritans again?"

"Not this time: he's still armed and dangerous."

"And may be somewhat lacking in the gratitude department."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he's as cross as two sticks."

We turned away and walked back. Susie looked up at the bridge. "That came in pretty damn handy, all things considered. Have you been down this road before, Jeffrey?"

"I've cycled around here a few times."

"Anything else you want to tell me?"

"I love you, Susie."

We picked up our belongings from the bus.

"Do you think it would have been a big reward, Jeffrey?"

"They would probably have found some way to fob us off with a medal; you can live without that, Susie."

"Maybe we should help ourselves to a small souvenir. Something could easily have accidentally gone missing."

"Better not - it's the little details that get people caught. Leave everything for the police to find and let's hope they'll be satisfied."

Susie patted the bus on the side. "Sorry old thing - do you think they'll be able to put it together again, Jeffrey?"

"I think it may be a case of 'we can't get the parts', Susie."

"Ah well, at least it wasn't one of those shiny new ones. They'll probably be glad to get the insurance on it; I wouldn't be surprised if we haven't done them a favour."

A siren sounded in the distance.

"Do you think there'll be much of a fuss, Susie?"

"No, it'll probably soon all blow over. I wouldn't be surprised if the police take all the credit."

"Come on, it's time we disappeared into the woods."

We set off at a run. "Here we go again, Jeffrey - you don't half make me sweat."

"It'll stand you in good stead, Susie; I don't expect this will be the last time we have to make a hasty getaway."

"I just hope all this exercise doesn't upset my hormone balance."

"There's no danger - all it will do is preserve your nice trim figure."

"I wouldn't be too sure - all that cycling has put a hell of a bottom on you."

"What do you mean? I haven't got a big bum."

"You have for a boy, Jeffrey."

"Well, it's better than being a skinny arse."

"I'll second that: it's a source of great pleasure to me bobbing along there."

"And you got to drive a bus - your cup runneth over, Susie."

"I'd been planning on that as a summer job next year."

"Don't you need a special license?"

"Well, it doesn't matter now, because obviously, I'll be looking for something we can do together."

"Don't let's be too ambitious, Susie - I'd be quite satisfied with a lemonade stall."

"We'll have to do something more exciting than that."

"Don't you think it may be possible to have too much fun, Susie?"

"No, Jeffrey."

"I thought not."

We emerged from the woods right onto a bus stop. "With a bit of luck and a change of appearance, we'll make a clean getaway. Hurry up and take these plaits out of my hair."

Susie set to work. "You were pretty calm when the lead was flying, Jeffrey."

"I've been shot at twice before - and hit. First on the leg and then on Perky."

"I haven't seen any scars."

"Well, they didn't actually break the flesh."

"What were you shot with, Jeffrey - a pea-shooter?"

"It was an airgun."

"Oh."

"Never mind 'Oh'. It stung and it left a big red mark. He could have had my eye out."

"Who did it, Jeffrey?"

"A boy up the street, a couple of years older than we are; he was lacking a little in social responsibility."

"Was he put away, Jeffrey?"

"No, his mother's a friend of the family; she gave him a good leathering - both times."

"She was playing with fire there, Jeffrey."

"You may well be right; he's made her a grandmother three times over with three different girls."

"That's just the sort of story to put the wind up my dad," Susie smiled. She fluffed out my hair. "All done - here, spit on this hanky and I'll get those freckles off."

"Make a good job of it; don't leave any traces."

"More spit, Jeffrey."

"I've none left - use some of yours."

Susie polished away and finally held up her mirror. "How's that?"

"Denise is back - say good-bye to Heidi."

"Auf wiedersehen, Heidi. I know you'll be back," Susie smiled. "We can turn you into a proper Swiss Maid next time, Jeffrey - how about it?"

"Okay, but please - no yodelling and no hugging a Saint Bernard."

"But you'll wear the full costume and talk German."

"Yes, yes - now stop wasting time. You can wear that baseball cap to hide your hair and then turn that jacket inside out - it's reversible."

"How do you know - have you been wearing this?"

"No, I bought it for mum last Christmas. You should know me by now, Susie - I'm not the type who goes around in his mother's clothes."

I threw the umbrella in the ditch. "What a shame - I feel I've lost the protection of a trusted friend."

"I'll buy you a replacement. In the meantime, you can carry my bag. It's pretty heavy; I'm sure you'll find it a handy weapon."

I swung it over my shoulder. "How do I look, Susie?"

"Cute, Denise."

"I mean about being recognised as Heidi."

"We'll both be okay. It's just a pity our good deeds are again going to be anonymous."

"Unsung heroes - that's us, Susie."

"Perhaps we should get ourselves some kind of visiting card to leave behind."

"Like a silver bullet."

"We're not made of money, Jeffrey; how about a scarlet pimpernel?"

"They may be hard to come by around here."

"I just think our endeavours should be appreciated. It's no small thing putting your life on the line for the good of society."

"Were you always as adventurous as this, Susie?"

"Not until I met you, Jeffrey. I feel a kiss coming on."

"Later, Susie, here comes the bus."

"Where does it go from here?"

"Somewhere over the river; the further the better. We can wander around and see the sights. If you like, we can go to the reservoir and check the level - that's always interesting."

"We can count a few trees while we're there."

"It'd be better if we went to the Christmas tree plantation to do that - they're arranged in neat rows."

"Gee, Jeffrey, if only we'd brought a flask and sandwiches, then we could really have made it a grand day out."

"Don't worry, I'll see you don't starve. We'll have a nice peaceful afternoon together and come home on the ferry."

"At least a circular trip will be sound strategy," Susie sighed. "We won't have to revisit the scene of the crime."

"Shut up, Jeffrey."

We settled down on the backseat for a bit of relaxing fondling.

"Susie."

"Yes, Jeffrey."

"I've a surprise for you."

"Not another one?"

"Yes and it will really startle you."

"Don't keep me in suspense - what is it?"

"A little piece of Schopenhauer."

"A what?"

"A little piece of Schopenhauer to keep things in perspective."

"I can see pillow talk isn't going to be one of your strong points, Jeffrey."

"Shut up and meditate on this - 'Only a male intellect clouded by the sexual drive could call the stunted, narrow-shouldered, broad-hipped and short-legged sex, the fair sex.' What have you to say about that, Susie?"

"Thank God, we've both got a bit of the boy in us, Jeffrey."

 

Susie and Jeffrey can't keep out of trouble on their eventful journey home. A simple walk is spoiled as they encounter ever more dangerous hazards.

 

Susie and Jeffrey

Chapters 32-43

by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

 

 

Chapter 32

"Come on, Susie, wake up, wake up - we've gone too far."

Susie finally opened her eyes. "Gone too far," she blinked. "What do you mean - gone too far?" She sat up with a start. "A nooner, on the back seat of a bus, while I was asleep - you'd better not have, Jef..."

"Shush," I hissed and hastily covered her mouth. "Be careful what you say," I whispered in her ear. "We don't want to shock the other passengers. I'm Denise - and you know I wouldn't - we've both been asleep."

"You broke my dream. We were ..."

"Tell me later, there's no time for that now."

She sighed and rubbed at her eyes. "But I had you all ..."

"Move yourself, we have to get off right away before it's too late."

"What's the rush?" She sat up with a start. "There isn't a police roadblock up ahead, is there?"

"Of course not, but this is the Lancston bus - if we don't hurry up, we're in for a sixty mile round trip."

"Oh, is that all," she yawned. "Well, it needn't be a wasted journey, we can visit Stephanie."

"Oh no, we can't." I pulled Susie to her feet. "We haven't got her dress and I'm not squandering money on a pointless expedition. In fact, the only way we're ever going to visit her is if we bike it."

"I'll hold you to that," Susie threatened as I dragged her to the front of the bus. "It'll be worth a sore bum to see Denise modelling again."

"After this morning, I think I'd rather be a stay-at-home girl; you can be the career woman who goes out and takes on the world."

"Ah, I'm wise to your little tricks," she smirked as we reached the front of the bus. "You're only saying that because you want me to be the one who talks to the driver."

"No, I don't. Diplomacy isn't your strong suit; you didn't have much success on the tram."

Susie pushed me forward. "Go on, then - here's a chance to show off your people skills. I'll listen and learn."

"Okay, watch this."

"No putting on a Lolita act, mind - fair's fair."

Susie had forgotten it was a woman driver, so there was no danger of that. I was on safe ground.

"I've no idea what you mean," I huffed and stuck out my tongue at her to emphasise the point.

"Get on with it."

"Excuse me," I cooed, "we're sorry to be a nuisance, but would you mind pulling over and letting us off - we've missed our stop."

"And Denise got us on the wrong blinking bus, in the first place," Susie chimed in.

"This isn't a taxi service," the driver replied without turning her head. "I've a schedule to keep. I'm sorry, but if I did it for you, I'd have everyone taking advantage of me."

"But ours is a special case, we've ..."

"No."

"But ..."

"No!"

"Give up, Denise, you've done your best. We'll just have to settle back and enjoy the ride."

"Just a minute," I frowned at Susie. "I haven't fully explained our situation yet. She'll change her mind when she hears what a fix we're in."

I moved further forward and leant against the handrail under the front window.

"You can't stand there; you're blocking my view. I have to be on the lookout for stray sheep along here."

"Sorry." I leant away from her. "It's just that we haven't the money for the journey ..."

We rounded a sharp bend and I swung in towards the woman.

"Oops." I pulled back and steadied myself, but somehow my skirt got caught and rode up, exposing the lacy ruffles underneath.

"That's exotic underwear for one so young." The driver showed her first sign of interest and smiled up at me. "You're a very pretty girl."

"Thanks," I mumbled. "The undies were a present from Susie - a birthday joke. She dared me to go out in them. They're not my usual sort of stuff."

"Don't go telling porkies, Denise, you wear them every opportunity you get."

"Shush, Susie - it's embarrassing revealing my little peccadilloes."

The driver reached out and patted me on the knee. "You show them off as much as you like, sweetie - we're all girls together here."

I inched up my skirt a little further. "Couldn't you see your way to helping us?" I pleaded.

"The management are very strict about this sort of thing - we have our orders."

"Can't you throw us off for not paying the fare?" I suggested. "That must be in the rules."

"You're right there," Susie exclaimed. "You're always reading about bus drivers abandoning poor little kiddies to their fate. Stonyhearted jobsworths that's what they are," she added helpfully.

"Well, I'm not one of them," our driver snorted. "Can't you see I'm a caring person? What's more, we've new instructions not to dump vulnerable passengers. It's bad publicity for the company."

"Aw, please." I leant across into the driver's compartment. "Our parents will be worried. Susie's left her phone at home; they'll be wondering what's happened to us."

I gave a shake of my head and wiped at my eye. I got more reaction than I expected.

"It's all right, dear - don't go upsetting yourself."

She patted me on the leg and let her hand work its way up as she slowed the bus.

"Susie's interested in becoming a bus driver," I gulped as she gently squeezed my thigh. "Is there a good pension scheme?"

"What do you mean?" she bridled. "I'm nowhere near retirement age." She gave me a quick squeeze. "Does that feel like an old woman's hand?"

"No," I spluttered. "I'd say you were in the prime of life."

"Shifting a big gear stick like that must build up the muscles in your arm," Susie grinned. "What do you think, Denise?"

"It certainly seems that way, Susie," I squeaked.

The woman gave me a final pinch before taking away her hand for the change down. "Just between you and me, this is your reward for brightening up my day."

I gave an audible sigh of relief and wiped my brow.

"It's a good job it isn't automatic transmission, eh, Denise."

"You can say that again, Susie."

"Sorry, dear, if I was a little over enthusiastic? You've a nice firm thigh there," she smiled. "What's your secret?"

"It must be in my genes," I blushed, "and I suppose the cycling helps."

"Whatever it is, keep it up and you'll never suffer from cellulite."

"Denise isn't telling you the whole truth," Susie declared. "The fact is she eats lots of fish - she practically lives of it. She believes it'll help her avoid women's troubles."

With a grimace, the woman shifted gear again and brought the bus to a halt.

"I'm a great believer in cod liver oil, but it doesn't seem to be working on my frozen shoulder. I don't know what to do with it."

"Put it in the oven, but make sure it's thoroughly thawed out first," Susie warned. "You don't want to risk getting salmonella."

"It's not funny," she groaned. "I may have to give heat treatment a try Sometimes, when I wake up, it's as stiff as a board."

"You should get yourself a good massage; that'll relieve the tension. Denise and I have been practicing on each other and it works for us."

"We don't really know what we're doing, Susie."

"No, but we're learning and it always brings a smile to our faces."

"Get away," she laughed. "I knew there was something going on between you two."

"I told you people could see the love look in our eyes, Denise."

"Are you sure you want to get off - wouldn't a circular tour on the backseat be much more appealing?"

"I have to please Denise; her day wouldn't be complete without a long forced march home."

"You know best, sweeties," she smiled.

She opened the door and we stepped off into the lane.

"Thanks a lot," we cried and waved goodbye.

She blew us a kiss and we watched until the bus disappeared round the next corner.

"It's nice and quiet out here, Susie."

She looked down the lonely road and up at the threatening sky. "I hope we don't come to regret this, Jeffrey."

"That, Susie," I smirked as we ambled along, "is how to handle a bus driver."

"More like how to let a bus driver handle you," she snorted. "You're lucky it wasn't 'Surprise, Surprise' all round."

"I saved us from an expensive round trip," I huffed. "You ought to be grateful Denise was able to charm her into doing what we wanted."

"How far up your leg would a male driver have got, Jeffrey?"

"Probably as far as you would have let him, Susie. My girl reactions aren't fully developed; I'd always look to you for guidance in a tricky situation like that."

"That's the way it should be, Jeffrey. Mind you don't let this little success go to your head."

"I won't. All I'm saying is that this time my modest approach worked better than your cheeky stuff."

"Denise wasn't being modest and I'm not cheeky," she grinned. "I'm effervescent." She gave a little skip. "That's what I am."

"True, Susie - you can have the effect of a strong dose of liver salts."

"You're right. People are always telling me how I buck them up. You've even said it yourself."

"I know - you're my little ray of sunshine, Susie."

"Thank you, Jeffrey," she beamed. "It's nice to be appreciated."

"You're more than just appreciated, Susie - you're my role model, but maybe we should be more cautious in future. I can get carried away following your lead; there's a real danger someone will biff us on the nose - or worse."

"We're just a pair of cheeky girls," Susie laughed and sideswiped my bottom with hers. "Flashing your knickers at that driver wasn't my idea, Denise."

"I still don't know how it happened," I protested. "I was all of a fluster when my skirt rode up. Sometimes it seems to have a life of its own; I have no control over it. Watch this." I tugged it down a little. "See, it springs right back. You should never have let me go out in the thing -it's too short."

"It's tantalizing, Denise; you just need to be careful until you get used to it. Don't worry, it's like riding a bike - handling your skirt will soon be second nature to you, like it is to me."

"Well, it's hard work at the moment; I have to keep reminding myself to behave in a ladylike manner. I'm bound to have the occasional accidental lapse."

"Pull the other one, Denise, it's got bells on. You knew exactly what you were doing when you perched yourself on that rail and gave us all a right eyeful."

"I unfortunately manoeuvred myself into a compromising position, that's all," I insisted.

"And took full advantage of it - you had the driver open-mouthed. She was so distracted I feared for our safety."

"We were in no danger. She was the total professional; she hardly took her eyes off the road."

"Well, I admire how you held your nerve with her hand creeping ever closer."

"She was groping in the dark, Susie."

"Even a blind squirrel sometimes finds a nut, Jeffrey. You barely avoided revealing all."

"I clenched my boy bits and hoped for the best."

"That's a nifty trick - is it difficult?"

"Not when you've had the practice I've had this last week."

"You're becoming a very cool customer, Jeffrey."

"No, I'm not. I was frightened of making a fuss; I didn't want her to think that I had anything to hide."

"But girls do have something to hide, Denise; you needn't have just sat there."

"It was a ticklish situation, Susie, I thought the less I fidget, the better."

"I've told you before what to do when people put their hand on your knee."

"It was more thigh than knee."

"Then you were even more entitled to have a swat at it."

"By the time I realised it was something more than a reassuring girl-on-girl pat, she had a firm hold on me. I couldn't swipe it off, we might have landed in the ditch."

"And we would have if I'd thought your virtue was in danger, Denise."

"It wasn't like that, Susie she was old enough to be my mother - or my grandmother."

"All the more reason not to seduce her in front of a bus full of people."

"Don't exaggerate, it was one man and his guide dog - and I didn't seduce her," I huffed. "I've told you before, ladies of a certain age want to fuss over me; I must excite their maternal instincts."

"Believe me, Jeffrey, that definitely wasn't what you were exciting."

"I wouldn't be so sure, Susie. I think, at times, even you may have a desire to mother me."

"Nonsense, Jeffrey, you're a hot little number and don't you forget it or you'll land us both in trouble."

"I defer to your greater experience, Susie," I conceded. "As far as this girl business goes, I'm a stranger in a strange land. But if what you say is true," I smiled, "maybe you could learn a thing or two from me."

I ducked in time. "What I want to learn from you is how we're going to get home - where exactly are we, Jeffrey?"

"Somewhere over the river, Susie; all we have to do is keep going north-west."

"Easier said than done, Jeffrey, we may as well be in a maze with all these high hedges and winding roads."

"There's no hurry, Susie, a peaceful stroll in the country is just what we need." I linked arms with her. "Best foot forward - here we go, swinging down the lane."

"Bugger this for a lark, Jeffrey, I didn't expect we'd be rounding off our day with an endurance test. I'm not sure it was such a good idea getting off in the middle of nowhere."

"I'm sorry, Susie, I didn't realise we were so far out."

"Fine words butter no parsnips, Jeffrey."

"What are you on about, Susie?"

"I was just rehearsing a bit of country talk, in case we have to beg the locals for help - which seems more than likely after your balls-up."

"You wouldn't have wanted to spend all afternoon riding around in circles."

"You woke me up and dragged me down that bus before I knew what was happening. You gave me no time to think."

"I was in a rush - and anyway, there's nothing we could have done different."

"I don't know about that. You seem to take a peculiar pleasure in giving me a good workout. It's funny how we always end up hiking or biking home."

"It's not as funny as arriving home differently dressed every time," I grumbled. "Besides, I'm not entirely to blame - if you hadn't fallen asleep ..."

"I was recharging my batteries, Jeffrey - I'm only human."

"Me too, Susie. I don't know about you, but I'm suffering from a sleep deficit. I've missed two Sunday lie-ins."

"It's not healthy being a stay-a-bed."

"Maybe not, but my brain obviously needs to do more than the usual amount of rewiring at the moment, with all the new stuff it has to absorb."

"You may have a point there, Jeffrey - things have been a little hectic lately. We both deserved our little nap."

"Well, it's worked for me - I feel quite refreshed now. It was exactly what we needed after this morning's events. "

"Yeah, we can make a spanking new start and put all that behind us."

"It's buses under the bridge now, Susie," I laughed. "Heidi today and gone tomorrow."

"You're blooming cheerful about this, Jeffrey."

"I'm just making the best of it." I looked her straight in the face. "Do you know what this is, Susie?"

"It's a cheeky grin."

"No it's not - it's an insouciant smile. Something I shall be making great use of from now on."

I ducked again as Susie tried to clip me around the ear. "This is no time for bloody insouciance - stuck out here in no-man's land."

"Don't exaggerate: we can't be more than a couple of miles from some sort of civilisation. We'll soon be back in one of the villages; we can have something to eat and then maybe catch a bus to the ferry."

"What do you mean, maybe?"

"Nothing, I'm just not sure how regular the bus service is."

"We're in for a long, long walk, aren't we?"

"What if we are - I'm happy with the way things have turned out. You don't really mind, do you?"

Susie smiled and ruffled my hair. "Sometimes I think you take advantage of my good nature."

"Don't worry, I won't be taking you for granted. I've learned my lesson with mum."

"I don't doubt that, Jeffrey; it's just ... Oh hell, it's starting to rain again, we're going to be soaked into the bargain."

I looked up at the big black cloud coming our way. "However wet I get, I'm going home in the same clothes I set out in."

"Isn't that tempting fate, Jeffrey?"

"Possibly, Susie, possibly."

We trudged on into the downpour.

"I'm going to have feet like puddings," Susie groaned. "Hell, my trousers are sticking to me now - and I'm starting to ache."

"Where, Susie?"

"All bloody over, Jeffrey. It was hard work driving that old bus. I was flying by the seat of my pants. There was no power assisted steering, you know - I had to fight it every inch of the way."

"I don't suppose you want to up the pace to a run, then."

"No thank you, I've a better idea."

"Do you want me to give you a piggy-back?"

"A lion-hearted offer, Jeffrey, but let's save that sort of monkeying around for the bedroom. Follow me."

Susie crossed the verge and pushed back the sagging fence. "Let's get under those trees."

"What about that?" I pointed to a 'Private Property - Keep Out' sign, lying on the ground. "There are some funny folk around here, Susie - I wouldn't be surprised if one of them owns this land."

"We'll be sheltering, not trespassing. Come on, don't be a big girl's blouse - I won't let you come to any harm."

 

Chapter 33

"It's totally neglected, Susie, everything's being left to rot."

We squished our way through piles of fallen apples into the middle of a small orchard.

"There's a heady pong, Jeffrey - it's quite intoxicating. You'll have to be careful I don't take advantage of you."

We halted under the densest canopy and leant back on the trunk with our arms around each other.

"Don't stand under the apple tree with anyone else but me, Susie."

"I promise, Jeffrey." She picked up a fallen fruit. "Can I tempt you?"

"Not with one of these, Susie. They look like cider apples. Wait until we get home, there're some lovely Ingrid Marie in the garden; they'll be ready next month."

"How about a blackberry?"

"No thanks - I don't want to risk any more staining. I haven't got the last lot off yet." I gave Susie a pout. "How do my lips look?"

"Redder than ever; it must be the fresh air. They won't pass unnoticed at school tomorrow."

"They're all right as girl lips, though."

"Model-girl lips, not schoolgirl lips. They'd send me home if I turned up looking like that."

"Don't - you'll give me a complex. I didn't think they were too bad this morning."

"They're fine for Denise the aspiring lingerie model."

"I was only joking about that."

"No you weren't - you'd jump at the chance. I bet I could even persuade you to go topless."

"Aw, shut up, you're making me blush." I grinned. "Eat your apple."

Susie took a bite. "Ugh - it's sour."

She shied it at the next tree and scored a direct hit. It flattened against the trunk with a satisfying squelch.

She turned a few more over with her foot. "They're all full of maggots."

"I don't think cider makers bother about a little thing like that; the extra protein gives it more body."

"I suppose it's more wholesome than adding anti-freeze, but I wouldn't want it tickling my taste buds."

"They don't stop there. They sneak in a dead rat or two for that extra piquancy."

"I'm not falling for any more of your tall tales."

"It's true, my granddad told me."

"I suppose he makes his own cider."

"No, he's a strict Methodist - apart from the small hip flask of whisky for his rheumatism."

"Strictly medicinal, eh."

"It's cold up on those fells. The wind cuts right through you. He's looking forward to some global warming, believe me."

"I bet you're well up on climate change, aren't you, Jeffrey?"

"Not really, Susie."

"But you know more about it than I do."

"Probably - why are you so interested?"

"I have to write an essay on 'How Green is my Family' for old Rawlings," she groaned. "I ask you - what on earth has that to do with A-level sociology?"

"Nothing."

"Exactly what I told him - very politely, mind you. 'That's completely off subject,' I said. 'I've better things to do than root through our dustbin.' And do you know what - he took umbrage."

"Umbrage, Susie?"

"Yes, Jeffrey - umbrage. He's a pompous bugger."

"You're right there and he has a bee in his bonnet about all things green; he's a fiend of the Earth."

"That's no reason to wander around in rope sandals without any socks."

"His feet aren't a pretty sight, Susie."

"They're great plates of meat, Jeffrey. For the first week, I thought he had athlete's foot or something and I made allowances, but now I think he just lowers the tone of the whole place."

"Let's hope someone treads on his toes and teaches him a lesson."

"I'm sure someone will," Susie smiled. "But first things first - give me a few of your ideas on climate change; it'll save me googling."

"I'd better not - Rawlings already knows them. He had the daft idea of offering an end of term prize for the best essay on global warming and made the whole school enter."

"Of course, you won it, Jeffrey."

"No I didn't. I was more than a little miffed at having to waste my time on a thing like that."

"I hope you didn't just write your name and put my thoughts aren't worth the life of a tree - because that's my fall-back position."

"You won't get away with it; he'll make you tow the party line. He's a Green fascist; he doesn't tolerate alternative views - however compelling."

"What did you write that upset him?"

"I said Gaea was working her purpose out."

"Who, Jeffrey?"

"Gaea, the Earth goddess. He believes in that sort of stuff as well - he's a loony."

"Careful, Jeffrey, it's best to keep the gods onside. It doesn't hurt to have a bit of supernatural help if there's any going."

"That's your version of Pascal's wager, is it, Susie?"

"Possibly, Jeffrey - we can discuss it later. Carry on about Gaea."

"She knows dangerously low carbon dioxide levels will lead to the creation of a snowball Earth - a super ice-age."

"I saw that film."

"No you didn't, this is different."

"It can't be that different."

"It doesn't matter," I sighed. "The point is to avert disaster, Gaea has chosen humans as her expendable instrument for releasing Earth's locked up carbon dioxide."

"I'm with you, Jeffrey - we're all working Gaea's purpose out."

"She wants us to give life a chance to flourish again on a hothouse Earth - dinosaurs at the South Pole and all that. Melting icecaps never bothered them - they just got on with it."

"So the more carbon dioxide we release the better. Super termites - that's what we are in Gaea's eyes."

"My precise words, Susie. We should be proud of the great job we're doing for the Earth mother."

"A flawlessly argued case, well worthy of you, Jeffrey. You'd have thought that was just the sort of thing to appeal to an eco-freak."

"Apparently not - he made me rewrite it. He wanted a more positive and proactive approach; some suggestions as to what we could do as individuals."

"Did you oblige?"

"Yes, I suggested we should whitewash our roofs, our cars and the tops of our heads."

"Would that help, Jeffrey?"

"It couldn't hurt, but he didn't see it that way. He turned out to be not such a jolly green giant."

"He definitely lacks a sense of humour; I can vouch for that. He was rabbiting on about the benefits of vegetarianism and I asked him if we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat."

"What did he say?"

"That I was a running-lapdog-capitalist-lackey of MacDonald's."

"Bit of a giveaway there, I think he may have switched from black to red to green."

"I must confess, Jeffrey, I'm surprised you aren't more sympathetic to the Green cause."

"Well, I'm with them on the anti-car thing, Susie. They're the cyclist's number one enemy - together with dogs, of course."

"There's no sense being a Green fanatic, Jeffrey - let's just settle for separating our rubbish into the different bins." Susie edged a little closer. "Pink's my favourite colour, Denise - should we play boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"Okay, but let's not get too passionate. I don't mind being the girl, but I don't want to get my bottom damp."

"Pucker up, Denise, I'll see if I can manage a little local warming."

"Oooh, I like that, Susie, but you'll get your feet wet; you shouldn't have taken off your shoes."

"I haven't."

"Yes, you have; I can feel your foot stroking my leg."

"No, you're the one rubbing against my leg and squealing with delight."

"I'm not; I'm quietly purring to myself."

"I think you'd better have a quick look down, Jeffrey," Susie whispered.

"Not blinking likely - that's your job. At the moment, I'm one hundred percent Denise and about to jump screaming into your arms."

"Give it a kick."

"You give it a kick."

There was a loud grunt and something barged against our legs.

"Aaaaargh."

We both jumped back behind the tree.

"Aw, it's a bloody pig, Jeffrey."

"Careful, Susie - don't antagonise the swine."

The creature ignored us, took over our space and began wolfing up the apples.

"There's a stroke of luck, Jeffrey, it's wearing a collar - you'll be able to get a good grip if you have to wrestle the brute into submission."

"I don't think it'll come to that, Susie. Look, it's got a wooden leg as well. It must be one of those house pets, like Max's Miss Piggy."

"The way it's gorging itself I wouldn't be surprised if it shares the same fate. Come on, let's quietly withdraw while it's otherwise engaged."

"After you, Susie."

We edged off cautiously to the side. "Ready, Denise - run for it."

"Not so fast, laddie," came a high-pitched voice from behind us. "I've had my eye on you and your girlfriend."

We turned to see a wiry whippet of a man rapidly approaching.

"Hey, have you been spying on us?" Susie spluttered. "Pull down your skirt, Denise - he's a Peeping Tom."

"Furriners," he snorted. "Speak up, I can't hear you without my glasses, but I know what you're up to - snatching the food from poor Spike's mouth."

"What's he talking about, Denise?"

"He's ranting - let's be on our way."

"You stay there. I have to take care of my property. What's in that bag? I don't take kindly to folk scrumping my apples."

"We were only sheltering from the rain," I explained. "We didn't mean any harm."

He screwed up his face and squinted at us. "Tha must have been up to summat." He gave a wave with his stick. "Come here, mon - let's be seeing what you're made of."

"He means you," I whispered. "No one could mistake Denise for a boy - or so you're always telling me."

"We don't want to get into a dispute with the locals, I'd better let my hair down."

"No, don't take your cap off." I gave Susie a shove. "It's your turn for some role-playing. Let's see how you like being a boy in real life."

"Hold on," she cried as she stumbled forward.

"That's right, Jeffrey - show him who's the boss," I yelled. "You promised mum you'd look after me."

The man backed up. "I'm not scared of you, laddie; I know your type - if you can't fight, wear a big hat. Watch out, Spike's a guard pig - he knows no fear."

Susie straightened up and waved dismissively in my direction. "Take no notice of Denise, she's one of those ladettes - she'd start a fight in an empty house."

"Sounds like you've snared a wrong un there, lad. The best of women are the cause of all the trouble in this world. Take my advice, steer well clear of them."

"I'm afraid it's too late, Denise has well and truly got her claws into me."

I stepped forward and put my arm around Susie. I gave an approving smile and kissed her. "I can twist Jeffrey around my little finger; you're putty in my hands, aren't you, big boy?"

"You don't want to take any nonsense from her or you'll never have any peace. First chance you get, put her across your knee and give her a good paddling."

"What do you think about that, Denise?"

"Don't bother asking her. A spaniel, a woman and a walnut tree, the more they're beaten the better they be."

"You can't argue with country lore, Denise - just wait until we get home."

"We're definitely not getting a spaniel, Jeffrey. Granddad says they're more trouble than they're worth - they're prone to canker in their ears. He's a golden retriever man now."

"Tell her to shut up, Jeff lad."

"Shut up, Denise."

I gave a little curtsy. "Yes, master."

"That's the way to do it, son," the man nodded approvingly. "Show a bit of gumption."

"Come on, Denise, one step behind me and let's be on our way."

"Na then, not so fast. That's a gradely hat you've got there," he smirked. "How about we do a swap and we'll say no more about your spot of trespassing?"

The man took off his battered cloth cap and offered it to Susie.

She wrinkled her nose and took a backward step. "I don't think so; it looks like you've had the best of the wear out of it and it's spattered with paint."

He scratched away at one of the spots. "Them'll wash out - they be pigeon droppings. I reckon that big peak on yours will come in proper handy. Their shit stings summat awful when it gets in your eyes."

"I think I'm too young to be joining the flat cap brigade." Susie turned to me for support. "You wouldn't let me wear something like that, would you, Denise?"

"Don't ask me, Jeffrey," I pouted. "The very thought of dictating to you is making my bottom twitch."

The man hung his cap on a branch and spat on his hands. "Don't be a snotty Oliver. I'll tell you what - we can kick shins for it. I fancy a bit of sport. Come on, or tha girlfriend will think you're one of those nancy boys."

"What's shin kicking?" Susie asked guardedly.

"Exactly what it says on the packet," I whispered to her. "This has gone far enough, give him the cap before you end up with pudding legs as well as pudding feet. It's no great loss; it looks as silly on you as it did on me."

Susie hesitated and the man pulled up his trousers. "I won't be clogging thi; I'm only wearing mi wellies. A game young lad like you has nowt to fear from a poor old feller like me."

A glint appeared in Susie's eye and she winked at me. "He deserves a kick up the Khyber, Denise. Watch this - I'll show you some real boy stuff."

"Calm down, you know what happened the last time you said that."

"Don't worry, this one won't come flying over the fence at you," she whispered.

"He won't fight fair," I warned. "The shifty beggar probably has steel toecaps and it smells like he soaks his legs in vinegar."

Susie sniffed the air and murmured. "I think that may be a generous interpretation, but I wouldn't expect anything else from a refined young woman like Denise."

"What are you two chuntering on about? I can't hang around here all day."

"We were just saying, that's a fine pair of bandy legs," I smiled. "You must be an ex-professional."

"You're a smart young lass," he laughed. "Owd Harry's clattered a good few in his time. Are you frightened I'm going to take unfair advantage of your boyfriend?"

"I don't want Jeffrey grappling with a crafty old pro; he might get hurt. It's not fair, he's never done anything like this before."

"She's right," Susie put in. "I'll tell you what, we'll make it a test of endurance and fortitude instead of technique. How about three free kicks in turn?"

He took a long look at Susie's trainers. "Reet, lad, you're on," he crowed.

"And I go first," Susie insisted.

He bent down and felt her shoes. "Go on, then - nobody can say Owd Harry's not a sportsman."

I pulled Susie aside. "Don't be daft, he's probably insensitive to pain."

"He's never given birth, Denise."

"Neither have you."

"But I've got the potential." Susie ginned and stepped confidently forward.

He squatted down and placed his hands on his knees. "Kick away, lad - you want to put on a good show for yon lass."

"Just a minute, your pig won't take offence, will he?"

"Spike's happy stuffing himself. You're in no danger; he takes his orders from me. He's proved a ferocious watchdog, better than any goose," he boasted. "Spike'd lay down his life for me."

"Is that how he lost his leg - or haven't you got a freezer?"

"Never you mind - get kicking." He worked his feet into the ground and waited.

"Don't break his leg or anything, Susie," I whispered.

"Don't worry, I won't do him any permanent damage."

She moved to one side. Owd Harry screwed up his eyes and steeled himself.

"Take that!"

Susie delivered a hefty kick up his backside.

"What are you playing at?" He gasped. "That's nowhere near my shin."

"Shin, did you say? I thought we were shit kicking."

Susie landed another blow and he pitched forward.

"Foul! Foul!"

"You moved - does that mean I win?"

"No ..."

Thump. Her final effort sent him sprawling in front of Spike who licked his face.

"I must be the winner," Susie cried. "You're down for the count."

"Down but not out," he gloated as he sprang to his feet. "Come here, it's my turn now."

"Do you know what?" Susie beamed. "I've decided to be generous - you can have the bloody cap." She took it off and skimmed it at him.

He ducked and then squinted even harder as Susie shook out her hair. "I knew there was something queer about you. Bloody women - they never play fair. I'll settle with you."

"Knees up time again, Denise," Susie laughed. "Come on, let's play catch us if you can."

She sprinted off through the trees with me hard on her heels.

"You won't make a fool of me," a furious Owd Harry yelled after us.

"If the cap fits, wear it," I called over my shoulder.

"Round 'em up, Spike. Go on, boy -bite their legs and give 'em gangrene."

I looked over my shoulder and saw the pig coming after us. "Come on, Susie, put on a spurt." I grasped her arm and pulled her along.

We raced out of the orchard and dashed across the field.

"One day, you're going to get us shot, Susie."

"I already have, Jeffrey."

We hurdled a dyke and started up a steep incline.

"We'll be okay now - three-legged pigs can't run uphill."

"I hope you're right about that because I'm getting a stitch," Susie gasped.

"Well, don't let up unless you want to be having some real ones."

Before she could reply, an ear-splitting squeal followed by a splash came from behind.

"Salvation, Jeffrey."

"It certainly sounds like it, Susie."

We both turned and looked back. Spike's wooden leg was rolling along and he had disappeared into the dyke.

"Fish your pig out of there," Susie cried triumphantly and punched the air. "Go on, Jeffrey, turn a cartwheel for your hero."

"Certainly not," I huffed. "Denise is a cut above that kind of thing and you should be too."

I took Susie's arm, tossed my head in the air and we strolled away to the sound of Owd Harry cursing his pet.

"Bloody pig - I'm having that other leg for Sunday dinner and getting you a pair of wheels."

"You don't think he was really eating his pig a piece at a time do you, Jeffrey."

"Who knows? As well as the leg, it did have an ear missing."

"It could have lost that in a fight."

"Or maybe it was a frustrated lovelorn painter."

"Well, it was lacking any balls - did you notice?"

"No, I didn't. I try my best to keep my eyes on higher things. I have enough trouble as Denise without going looking for it."

"Do they fatten up better with no balls?"

"We're not getting a pig. What do you want to know for?"

"Just curious, that's all. Would you like us to live out here on a farm, far from the madding crowd?"

"You'd be bored stiff; you've no interest in rural pursuits."

"I was pretty good at that shin kicking," she smirked. "I did okay as a country boy, Jeffrey."

"It was a very spunky display, Susie, but I've seen enough. Next thing you'll be wandering around wearing a flat cap and eating Hovis butties."

"There's no chance of that; I know what you like," she teased. "Me as Susie Charming, your principal boy."

"There's nothing wrong with a little playacting," I huffed. "Anyway, it's your fault - you fire up my imagination. All sorts of funny thoughts keep popping into my head."

"What's the latest idea you've been tossing around, Jeffrey?"

"If you must know, I've been fantasizing about Denise dressing up as a boy."

"Are you back in short trousers?"

"No," I snorted. "Mini-skirt and high heels."

"And panties and a bra?"

"Of course, I'm being Denise. I want to show off Pinky and Perky with a tight see-through blouse."

"Anything else?"

"You've done my make-up and hair - the full works."

"Where exactly does the boy bit come in?"

"I'm wearing my school tie."

 

Chapter 34

"Have you any idea at all where we are, Jeffrey?"

"We're in the middle of a field, Susie."

"Right - and which direction is home?"

"I don't know," I confessed. "We'll have to trust to luck until I can see the sun again; the low cloud has got me a little bit disoriented."

"Can't you smell the sea or something? Have a look round."

"I'd better not, Susie, let's keep on walking with our heads down. This is the biggest field I've ever been in. How about you?"

"Same here, Jeffrey - what difference does that make?"

"Well, If you weren't with me, I'm sure I'd be having an attack of agoraphobia."

"The sooner we get out of here, the better, then. Don't panic, I know what to do. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe ......... spells Constantinople. This way, Jeffrey."

"That wasn't very scientific, Susie."

"Have you a better idea?"

"No."

"Then follow me and keep your eyes glued to my bottom. I don't want you having a dizzy spell."

"You're selfless in your devotion to me, Susie - lead on."

She set off in her chosen direction and I tracked her in silence for twenty yards.

"You're very quiet - what are you doing back there, Jeffrey? "

"Nothing, Susie, just obeying orders."

"You're not doing a silly walk, are you?"

"I don't know what you mean."

Susie stopped suddenly and turned. "Gotcha!"

"No, you haven't."

"You were up to something; I could sense it. My bottom was all of a tingle."

"Denise would never stoop so low," I huffed.

"Sorry, it must be all this walking."

"Jeffrey might, though." I ducked yet again and grabbed Susie around the waist. "Side by side from now on."

We reached the edge of the field and scrambled, arm in arm, down an embankment.

"God, Jeffrey, where are we now?"

"Back on the right track," I grinned. "Well done, Susie, we're not lost anymore. This is where the old railway line used to be."

"So all we have to do is follow the old iron road; it's as easy as that, is it?"

"We may need a little perseverance, nothing else - this line went straight to the ferry. Come on, the worst that can happen is we get run down by the ghost of the Pilling pig."

"Is that an old folk tale, Jeffrey?"

"No, it's the way my mind's working at the moment, Susie. You shouldn't get us involved in this Famous Five stuff."

"It's not me who's responsible for our hiking up and down all over the countryside - just you remember that."

"Well, at least I haven't put us in danger of getting our heads blown off - that must be a plus."

"Don't be so sure - you hear all sorts of stories about trigger-happy farmers."

"There's no danger of that. If we stick to the line, it'll be a leisurely walk the rest of the way."

"I suppose so," Susie conceded. "Okay, if we carry on along here, how far is it to the ferry?"

"It's stopped raining and it's all downhill," I parried.

"It'll probably start raining again and at best it's flat - how far?" Susie insisted.

"Ten miles - maybe a teensy bit more."

"You can forget that; I'll have blisters on my blisters," she wailed. "The first opportunity we get, we're back on the road and heading for the nearest village."

A mile later, Susie had her wish. We were shuffling along a high-hedged, narrow lane.

"We're definitely going in the wrong direction now," I moaned.

"Only temporarily, Jeffrey - I'm sure I've got the scent of a MacDonald's. All we have to do is follow my nose."

"You're hallucinating, that's the smell of the countryside."

"Is that a euphemism, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, Susie."

We argued our way around the next bend where the hedge finally gave way to a dry-stone wall.

"What did I tell you, Jeffrey - come on, move yourself - I see salvation up ahead."

Susie forgot her sore feet and broke into a run. She kept going until we arrived at a stile.

"Is that where you want to go?" I indicated a signpost pointing over the field.

"Scronkey," Susie ruminated disappointedly. "Isn't that a disease of sheep, Jeffrey?"

"It's a village: the home of the legendary three-legged, wonky donkey of Scronkey." She gave me a sceptical look. "Honest, Susie - would I tell a lie?"

"Well, wipe that smile off your face, because if we don't get a bus, you'll be saddling it up."

She climbed over the stile and I reluctantly followed.

"I'd rather stick to the road, Susie; I don't like the look of this footpath. It's so overgrown; there's probably all sorts of hazards awaiting us."

"Hazards - what do you mean, hazards? All I can see is an empty field."

"Well, nettles and stuff. It's all right for you - you're wearing pants. I don't want to go wading through wet, thigh-high grass in a skirt. Anything might run up my leg."

"Don't be such a Mary-Ann, Jeffrey. You're wearing tights and knickers - nothing can get through."

"It's the thought of some creepy-crawly having its way with me. I feel vulnerable in these undies - they're so flimsy."

"You chose them."

"No, I didn't."

"Well, you would have done if I'd given you a choice; you're always keen to jump into the girliest stuff."

"I can't help myself," I pouted. "I put it down to the sheer novelty of the experience. But if I'd known I'd be hacking my way through the jungle, I'd ..."

"Quit moaning," Susie whacked aside a clump of nettles with her bag. "It's not so bad."

"It must be ages since anyone's been along here; it's been left like this to discourage ramblers. Who knows where it leads?"

"It leads to Scronkey, Jeffrey and that's where we're going."

"There's many a slip, Susie - all this land was once one huge bog. We could disappear without a trace."

Susie paused and ushered me to the front. "Perhaps it'd be better if you went first; it sounds like a little native caution wouldn't come amiss."

"Pass us your bag," I sighed. "Next time I come out with you, remind me to bring a machete."

"And a footbath, Jeffrey - don't forget the footbath."

"There's the village in the distance, Susie."

"About time too - I've had more than enough of the great outdoors."

"I hope not, Susie; I was working up a nice fantasy about us as intrepid female explorers."

"Really, Denise."

"Yes, we were having to share a sleeping bag - all our bits were bumping into each other."

"We can do that without leaving the house."

"But it wouldn't be the same."

"It's a fantasy - we can imagine we've done the fifty mile yomp. Now, stop wittering and let's cut across the field and get back on to the road. A shortcut of the shortcut is just what my feet need."

"We'll be trespassing again, Susie. We'd better stick to the footpath; I sense this farmer's not fond of walkers."

"Come on, it's only rough grass - what harm can we do?"

"I bet it's full of cowpats - they're treacherous. I fell in one on a picnic with cousin Carol. We were hurdling over them; she cleared the lot and I ended up skidding through on my backside."

"You did it on purpose so you'd have to go home in her skirt. I knew you had form with her," Susie crowed.

"The thought never entered my head," I huffed. "I had to sit in the car with a tartan rug covering me."

"Did you wrap it around and pretend you were a wee Scots lassie?"

"I may have fiddled with it a bit; I was bored by myself. I was glad when the heavens opened and we had to go home. It was so unfair - I got the whole blame for spoiling the day."

"Well, you can put your mind at rest; if anything happens, I won't make you go home in a pair of trousers. I'll get you another skirt from somewhere."

"You'd better: I don't want to be borrowing clothes from a scarecrow."

"You can trust me." Susie vaulted the fence into the field and stood waiting. "Your turn, hurry up and show a leg. Don't be shy, Denise - modesty is a virtue, but bashfulness is a vice."

I launched myself over the fence and landed beside her. "How was that, Susie?"

"Excellent, Denise - you were born to wear a tutu. Come on, let's trip the light fantastic across the field."

"When we get in trouble," I warned, "I expect you to make a cringing apology - no more cheeky stuff."

"We'll be two little lambs who've lost their way, Denise."

"Bah, Susie."

"I was just about to say that, Jeffrey."

We baa-baaed our way to the middle of the field.

"Stop it, Susie."

"You stop it first, Jeffrey."

"Baa."

"Baa."

"BBBUUUURRRRHHHHHH."

"Hell, Denise - how did you do that?"

"I didn't, Susie - and it wasn't the ghost of the Pilling pig, either. It sounded like a substantial earthly presence. I think we're in another fine mess."

From a thicket at the far end of the field, a large brown face with a white nose appeared.

"What's that, Jeffrey?"

"It's a bull, Susie."

"And a bloody big one, Jeffrey."

I grabbed her by the hand. "It's important not to show fear, Susie."

"What should we show, Jeffrey - a white flag?"

"Insouciance, Susie, insouciance - and lots of it."

The huge animal came out into the open, pawed the ground and stared in our direction.

"Are bulls short-sighted, Jeffrey?"

"I don't think they're in the fighter pilot class, Susie."

"This one looks cross-eyed, Jeffrey."

The bull raised its head and sniffed at the air.

"It wouldn't help if he was one-eyed - he's got our scent."

"I told you we've been sweating too much, but you wouldn't listen." Susie dipped into her bag and gave us both a spray of Obsession. "Perhaps this will confuse the beast."

"Unless it's the one with essence of skunk, I shouldn't hold out too much hope. Let's back up slowly."

"I think we'll be okay, Jeffrey, after all the exercise we've been getting, we'll easily outrun it. He's not one of those athletic bulls."

"Appearances can be deceptive, Susie."

"Not that deceptive, Jeffrey. With those stumpy legs and heavy body, he won't be able to raise much of a gallop."

"We shouldn't bank on that, Susie; my survival book says rhinos can do forty miles an hour."

"What does it say about dealing with bulls?"

"Avoid them was the number one tip."

"It's too late for that now. What was next on the list?"

"Dodge."

"I hope you're not being deliberately obtuse, Jeffrey. I didn't know the bugger was lurking in the undergrowth like a snake in the grass."

"I don't blame you, Susie, this could have happened to anyone."

"It's no horns and a nice furry coat. Are you sure that's a bull? Perhaps it's just a big butch cow."

The creature moved off to one side keeping an eye fixed on us.

"He's shaggy with a ring in his nose and flagrantly masculine, Susie."

"I can see that now and it's enormous, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie - it's making me feel quite giddy."

"Steady, Denise, it's nothing Jeffrey hasn't seen in the changing room."

"I'm okay," I choked. "It just looks so out of proportion."

"You're right, he won't be wanting to break into a gallop with an unwieldy thing like that flopping about."

"I'm always amazed how the rugby crowd manage. It must be an awful handicap having a big thingy sloshing back and forth between your legs. I often wonder ..."

"This is no time for your daft musings, Jeffrey. He's circling us, just like that damn Prince. Do you think he's smart enough to be trying to cut us off from the gate?"

"I shouldn't be at all surprised, Susie, but I wouldn't attribute it to intelligence - just low, primitive animal cunning."

"The bugger's not out to win Mastermind, Jeffrey, he'll be happy to give us a bloody good tossing - we're going to have to make a dash for it."

"If that's what you want to do, it's okay by me. Ready when you are."

"You're giving me that insouciant look again - are you so sure we can outrun it?"

"No, but I don't have to worry; I only have to outrun you - and I can do that even in a skirt."

"Jeffrey! That isn't very gallant. You should be the one to take the bull by the horns - if it had any, that is."

"I know," I sighed. I took off my jacket and held it by the sleeve. "Don't worry, Jeffrey's going to step forward and do his duty - yet again."

"Well, hurry up, he's pawing the ground. Are you going to fight him like a matador?"

"No, I'm bloody not. I'm going to run at him waving my coat; he'll charge, I'll wheel away and make for that tree. While he's distracted, you head for the gate."

"I'm not leaving Denise treed, Jeffrey."

"When you get there, kick up a fuss - wave your coat, do some whooping. The bull will lose interest in me, come after you and I'll be able to make it to the fence."

"Another masterly plan, Jeffrey - my mind boggles. I'll have to eat more fish in future if I want to keep up with you."

"No time for pats on the back now, Susie - here he comes."

I set off and I didn't need to encourage the bull; he bellowed and broke into a gallop.

"Wait until he's got his head down after me and then off you go," I cried.

"Show him a clean pair of thighs, Denise."

I stretched my legs and dashed for the safety of the tree. "How am I doing, Susie?"

"You'll be okay," she yelled in encouragement. "It can't do you much damage without any horns."

"But the bugger could give me a nasty knock with its knob," I shouted over my shoulder. "Isn't it time you stopped prattling and started running?"

"I'm on my way, Jeffrey."

I could hear the bull snorting and wheezing behind me. "You were right, Susie, he's no athlete, thank God."

"Onward and upward, Jeffrey, he's gaining on you."

It was a close run thing - I probably imagined his hot breath up my skirt, but it inspired me to scale the tree like a scalded cat.

"Made it, Susie," I cried.

The bull veered off to one side and caught the tree a glancing blow with his shoulder.

"Are you all right, Jeffrey?"

"I'm okay, apart from a pair of tattered tights," I yelled as I settled myself in the vee of the trunk.

"Hold on, he hasn't given up yet."

Head down, the bull charged and butted the trunk in frustration. The tree swayed and creaked. I crossed my legs and clung tightly to the branch.

"Hurry up with your diversion," I cried.

Down by the gate, Susie began running in a circle waving her coat.

"Over here, Billy Bull."

The beast remained snorting and panting under the tree.

"Go on, get away, you silly cow - this bird in the bush ain't coming down."

Susie let out a blood- curdling whoop but the bull only gave her a cursory glance and showed no interest in running her down.

"He looks buggered, Jeffrey - he's all charged out. What are we going to do if he won't chase me?"

"Come closer, Susie, let him think he's a sporting chance of catching you."

"How close is that?"

"I don't know. How fast can you run?"

"Jeffrey! This isn't the time to be finding out."

"Throw something at him."

"There isn't anything to throw."

"Well, moo like a cow, then. See if that arouses his interest."

"Bloody hell, Jeffrey, the things I do for you."

Susie cupped her hands around her mouth. "Moooo, moooo."

"That's never going to fool him. Can't you put some more bass into it?"

"Animal impressions aren't my speciality, Jeffrey. There's only one I'm any good at."

"Do that. If he thinks his space is being invaded, he might rouse himself."

"Okay, here goes.

"Oh, hell, Susie." I threw my hands up in despair. "That's no good."

I was proved wrong. Mr Bull gave his loudest snort yet and turned towards Susie.

"He must be a music critic; get moving - he's on his way."

"Suffering succotash - I didn't get a chance to finish my Sylvester; it's my best one - you'd swear he was in the room with you."

Susie set off for the gate at a casual lope. The bull must have scented success and he went into overdrive.

"Watch out, Susie, he's got his second wind. He means business."

She glanced over her shoulder. "Aaahh, Jeffrey, it's going to catch me."

"I'm coming, Susie."

I jumped down and raced after them. I was going to be too late, but then - after a last mighty snort - the bull's front legs splayed out sideways and it tumbled towards the gate.

"Get out of the way, Susie."

She threw herself to one side; the bull skidded past on the wet grass and crashed head first into the gate.

"It's deja moo all over again, Jeffrey."

We were leaning on the gate contemplating our latest victim.

"There isn't any blood this time, Susie."

"It's just as dead, though."

"You were too enthusiastic with your bull-baiting, Susie."

She threw up her hands in disbelief. "I don't know what happened - the beast just went down like a ton of bricks."

"I suppose it could have been overexertion."

"He must have had a dicky ticker, Jeffrey."

"I expect he had a massive rush of adrenaline or something."

"I certainly did," Susie shivered. "It's bad enough you making me sweat, now I'm clammy all over."

"Flushed with success - that's how I see you."

"I don't pong, do I, Jeffrey?"

"You always smell wonderful to me."

She sniffed under her arm. "It does have a certain piquancy," she grinned. "Actually, it's rather arousing."

"I know, Susie, but not now, we have other things to occupy us at the moment."

"He's a big fellow, Jeffrey. We're not going to be able to carry this one away and dump it. If only there wasn't such a big skid mark ..."

"And its head wasn't sticking through the gate."

"At least this time it died of natural causes."

"Well, almost."

"It was nothing to do with us, Jeffrey," she insisted. "It was an act of God. Perhaps they'll put it down to a lightning strike."

"Hardly, Susie."

"I don't see how anyone could say we were to blame."

"It's best we get away from here; we could be in trouble for tormenting a dumb animal."

"That would be a harsh verdict, Jeffrey."

"We won't be getting a sympathetic hearing. The owner's going to be out for someone's blood. Let's casually stroll down the lane like nothing has happened."

I took Susie by the arm and we crossed the road.

"Which way now, Jeffrey? We've come out on the wrong side of the field. I've lost my bearings."

"There's a farmhouse back there - we'll go in the opposite direction."

"That would seem to be our wisest course, Jeffrey."

"I only hope that was an average bull and not some highly priced animal."

"What's an average bull worth, Jeffrey?"

"Five thousand."

"Oh."

"You might well say 'Oh'."

"It was a good job we didn't cut off its ears, then."

"More than you know: I think it was a Limousin French bull - one of those went for a hundred thousand guineas."

"Just our luck if it was old Billy there, eh. I should think there'd be an almighty stink."

"I don't even want to think about it."

"You can relax, Jeffrey, they'll never suspect us. Schoolgirls just don't go around killing bulls."

"I never thought I'd say this, Susie, but maybe it would be better if we spent more of our time together shopping."

"You're right, we should cut down on our encounters with animals. Dogs, pigs and now bulls - I shudder to think what's next, Jeffrey."

"I know how you feel, Susie and if I have my way, we won't be visiting any safari parks in the future."

"Or china shops."

"Quite."

 

Chapter 35

"We're going round in circles," Susie moaned. "I'm sure we've been this way before. We'll be vanishing up our own posteriors next."

"I'll get us back on course," I promised. "Just be patient. We were in sight of Scronkey until we started taking your short-cuts - no more of them, okay."

"Why they couldn't have settled on a few straight roads instead of all these higgledy-piggledy lanes, I don't know. Didn't the Romans get this far?"

"It was a bog then. Just a minute, I have to do something." I leaned against the wall and lifted my skirt.

"What's the matter, Jeffrey, has all the excitement given you the collywobbles?"

"No, I'm thinking ahead: it's best not to go walking around in a torn pair of tights. I must look a right scruffbag - disreputable, even. You couldn't blame people if they thought I was a loose woman."

"It's your own fault," Susie chided. "If I'd had my way, you'd be laced up tight in one of Stephanie's gowns by now - a picture of feminine pulchritude."

"I can't say the idea doesn't have its attractions." I pulled off my tights and dangled them under Susie's nose. "Next time, get me costumed crime-fighter strength ones."

"Come here and turn round, you've woody bits all over." Susie brushed away at the back of my skirt. "You shouldn't go climbing trees, Denise."

"It's a full time job looking after you, Jeffrey."

"I know - and you'll have to give me your socks - otherwise, I think I may look a trifle uncouth."

"What about me?"

"You're okay in pants. You have to be careful when you're wearing a short skirt, Susie - there's a fine line between cute and common."

"You don't want to do a complete swap, do you?"

"No, I'm happy with you wearing the trousers - especially those trousers."

"What do you mean - what's wrong with them?"

"They flap about too much and they've a funny bottom. Denise wouldn't be seen dead in them."

"Turn around again - I think I missed a bit."

Whack!

"If I can't have a spaniel, how about a walnut tree?"

Whack!

"We're too far north and it's too wet and windy."

Whack!

"And you haven't the patience to be a gardener."

Whack!

"I'll just have to keep getting my exercise this way, then."

Whack!

"There - that's sorted you out."

"Thanks, Susie - I feel better for it. Can I have your socks now?"

"Better not do that." I held her arm as she prepared to throw the tights over the wall. "They'll only end up choking someone's prize goat."

"You're quite right: we should follow the country code and take our litter home with us."

"Another thing we should do, Susie, is get our story straight. We're bound to be asked ask what we're doing and why we aren't in school. Country folk are curious about strangers."

"Nosy is what I call it."

"We'll stick as close to the truth as possible. We'll say we got on the wrong bus, were overcome with tiredness, fell asleep and ended up miles out of our way."

"That could lead to more questions. Like, why aren't we at school and why did two, in the pink, young girls fall asleep."

"We can say we're recuperating from whooping cough - that'll get us a bit of sympathy."

"How about mumps? That's scarier - it can make you sterile. We can cough and sneeze - that should put a quick end to any conversation."

"There you go again; you always have to over-egg the pudding, Susie."

"I don't know what you mean, Jeffrey."

"Yes, you do: you can be a jabbernaut at times and veer dangerously out of control. The tales you tell - it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to suffer the consequences."

"You could give Scheherazade a run for her money, yourself. Come to think of it," Susie smiled mischievously, "Denise would make a very appealing slave-girl in a harem costume. How about it?"

"Would I be chained up?"

"Mikey has a pair of police handcuffs somewhere - we could use those."

"That wouldn't be very authentic - can't you get some manacles?"

"We'll have to use our imagination. I'll tell you what - I'll dress up as Aladdin and show off my legs for you."

"I suppose it'd be a step up from being Dick Whittington's cat. I don't fancy that."

"What do you mean? I've never suggested any such thing."

"Didn't you? Then I must have dreamt it. I'm having a bit of difficulty keeping a grip on reality at the moment."

"Maybe it was the night I tickled your tummy and you purred for me."

"That's every night, Susie."

"So it is, Jeffrey."

"Aw, not another shower; I'm beginning to feel bedraggled, Susie."

"Me too, Jeffrey. Watch out, there's a van coming up behind us - get away from that puddle."

We broke into a run and escaped with only spattered legs. The van stopped and a young man, wearing a coonskin hat, waved at us out of the window.

"Come on, get in."

"Are we going to risk a lift or drowning, Jeffrey?"

"A lift, but you sit next to the driver - I don't like the look of his headgear."

"He's not a hoodie, Jeffrey."

"Maybe not, but I want to keep my knees well away from him and be ready for an emergency exit."

The driver waved again. "Hurry up, I've a delivery to make."

I let Susie pull me along to the passenger door, but I made sure I shoved her in first.

"God, what's that stink?" she gasped. "It's a ten on the Richter scale of smells."

I was halfway in when the fetid odour of rotten fish swept over me.

"Uuuggh!"

"You'll soon get used to it my little ducklings," the driver chuckled. "It's no worse than a couple of overripe kippers to me now."

My stomach turned over, but it wasn't the stench. I knew the owner of that voice and laugh.

"It's too much for me," I choked. "I'll have to get out."

I hit reverse, but Susie leaned across and slammed the door, trapping me.

"We'll survive, Denise - it's better than getting soaked. Let's see if this helps."

She dug out her perfume and gave us both a long spray. I pretended to get an eyeful and buried my face in my hands. "Give me your hanky, Susie."

The van jolted forward. "Hold tight," the driver laughed, "I haven't quite got the hang of this yet."

Susie pulled my hands away from my face. "Stop being a silly sausage, Denise and thank this kind gentleman for being a true knight of the road."

"I can't," I hissed in her ear. "He's known Jeffrey for years."

"Don't panic - I'm with you. Two little lambs will be able to pull the wool over his eyes."

"I'd need the full bride outfit, a groom and a nursing baby to fool him."

Our whispering only excited the driver's curiosity and he looked across to see what was going on. His eyes widened as they fell on me.

He blinked a couple of times. "Sorry for staring, you remind me of someone I know." He blinked again. "When did you ..." He shook his head and turned from me to Susie. "Is Denise your sister?"

"Sometimes, it depends on how the mood takes us."

I gave him a weak smile as he again studied my face.

"Don't do that - you're upsetting Denise."

"Sorry ... sorry. I can't get over what a pair of good-looking girls you are."

"Yes you can, Ernie. Keep your eyes on the road; we don't want to end up in the ditch. I'm having enough problems with my identity crisis."

"How do you know my name?"

"Give over, Ernie, you know it's me."

"Know it's who?"

"Jeffrey - Jeffrey Smith."

"The only Jeffrey I know is a chubby little fellow - or he was when I last saw him." He turned to Susie. "Is your friend feeling okay?"

"Denise is miffed because I dragged her out in the rain. She's being contrary." Susie poked me in the ribs. "Shut bloody up," she hissed.

"It's no good, Susie, he was our window cleaner for five years and he worked for my dad in the afternoons. I hung around him all the year I was off school - he knows exactly who I am."

"No, I don't." Ernie gave me a puzzled look. "Are you Jeffrey or Denise?"

I gave Susie a prod. "You can explain it better than me."

"He's Jeffrey most of the time, but I talked him into being Denise for me today. I was bored; it's just a bit of harmless fun. We didn't expect to run into anybody we knew out here."

Ernie gawped across at me again.

"I wish you'd keep your eyes on the road," I mumbled and shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "There could be anything around the next bend."

"I'd swear you were a Denise," he spluttered. "Jeffrey wasn't one to go around playing dress-up. There's more to it than that, isn't there?"

"Just a teensy-weensy little bit," I confessed. "I may have developed a slight compulsion to show off my feminine side. You know how it is, Ernie," I hinted, "when you can't stop yourself from doing something."

"Only too well," he nodded sadly. "I only hope it doesn't get you in as much trouble as it has me."

"Jeffrey will be okay if we keep his secret, Ernie."

"You needn't worry about me on that score. We understand about the code of silence in delicate matters don't we, Jeffrey?"

"That's right - the less said the better; it's sort of a private thing between me and Susie."

"Does your mum know?"

"Yes, she's okay about it. I'd been a bit of a trial to her over the summer and she's more relieved than anything that I'm behaving normally again - right, Susie."

"Spot on, Denise, she couldn't be happier, believe me."

"Actually, Ernie, this is the best things have been since dad died."

"A fine man, your father - I'm sorry I missed the funeral, but they wouldn't give me a day release as he wasn't a relative."

"You should have stuck to burglary, Ernie, and left safes alone. In fact, you should never have given up your bucket and ladders."

"The court confiscated my ladders and I was left sitting on my bucket like oor bloody Wullie. They took away my one means of earning a legitimate living."

"You always boasted you could turn your hand to anything; you were a regular jack of all trades."

"You have to give up the boy stuff some time, Jeffrey. A man's got to have ambition - I'm going to make something out of my life."

"You're lucky to still have a life. 'They've saved Ernie from blowing himself up,' was what mum said when she found out you'd been arrested with a bagful of gelignite."

"I knew what I was doing. I didn't waste my time in the army. I picked up a lot of useful stuff there."

"You were only in three weeks and that was in the catering corp."

"And the stores - I'd still be there if I hadn't been a little too greedy. It's my same old failing," he sighed. "I'm afraid I have deep-rooted criminal tendencies, but I'm fighting them."

"Hold on a minute," Susie interrupted. "You haven't moved on to disposing of dead bodies, have you? That's still an overpowering stink - it's swamping our Obsession."

"It's only fish, Susie."

"Trust you to know that, Jeffrey."

"It's the best you can get," Ernie bragged. "Well, it was - I got a couple of boxes for nowt, because it'd gone off a bit."

"What on earth do you want with rotten fish?" Susie choked. "Why don't you throw it out?"

"I'll be dropping it off soon; I'm an entrepreneur now," he grinned. "I'm going to do a swap. It's a much sought after commodity in some quarters. The smellier the better."

"It's too much. I need the window seat. Come on, Jeffrey, move over - let me get some air."

Susie clambered over and Ernie paid me close attention as I settled myself down next to him.

"Are you sure you aren't the real thing, Jeffrey? Everything is in the right place and bounces as it should."

"I have some stubborn chubbiness in a couple of strategic places, that's all."

"It's also putting up a gallant rear-guard action, but you can't see that at the moment - Denise is sitting on one of her prime assets."

"There's a lot of muscle down there under the fat," I protested. "It's just an unfortunate overall effect." I sighed and turned to Susie. "That's not what I mean, but it's hard to put into words."

"Along with everything else, Jeffrey's having a bit of a problem puberty. You do understand how important it is not to make things more difficult for him, don't you Ernie?"

"My silence is a matter of honour." He gave me a pat on the knee. "This little chap kept me out of prison."

"I really believed what you told me."

"And the police believed what you told them."

"I don't know about that, but my dad made a hell of a fuss when he found out two of them had come round and questioned me alone for an hour."

"Sorry about that, but it certainly buggered up their case. I was released without a stain on my character - just a caution."

"It didn't do you much good in the long run."

"No, my past caught up with me, but I've served my time and now I'm a totally reformed character - well, almost."

"This is your van, isn't it?"

"Yes," he smiled, "and it's fully taxed and insured." He gave me another pat on the knee. Feels to me like the real thing.

"It's only a knee; you can't tell much from that."

"Oh yes, you can."

"You don't seem too surprised by all this, did you have some inkling about it before?" Susie asked.

"No, he didn't," I spluttered.

"I haven't seen Jeffrey for over three years - circumstances beyond my control, you understand. When I think about it," he reflected, "I'd be more shocked if he'd grown into a strapping six-footer. To tell the truth, this seems more natural."

"That's exactly what I tell him."

"How are things ... you know ... what I mean is - are you, like, still interested in BBC weather girls, Jeffrey?"

"Not in that way, since I met Susie; she's my girlfriend now. Things are more complicated than you can imagine." I crossed my fingers. "We're like that, aren't we, Susie?"

She put her arm around me. "We're inseparable, Jeffrey."

"We've something in common, then; I'm married now, with a little un - my wild days are over. I'm going to be a valuable member of society or my name isn't Ernie Crockett."

"Your name's Longbottom."

"I've taken the wife's name - she sent me to Wolverhampton until I agreed. Now, I'm one of those new men."

"You're still wearing that belt made up of buckles."

"Purely a fashion item - no more Saturday night scraps for me."

Susie peered over at it. "Do you think that'd be as good as a brolly in an emergency, Jeffrey?"

"Not to me, Susie."

"What's this? I thought you were a pacifist, Jeffrey."

"I'd still like to be in theory, but now I've a girlfriend to take care of, it's goodbye to all that."

Susie put her arm around me. "Be fair, Jeffrey - we're a mutual protection society."

"Just what have you two been up to - how did you get out here?"

We told him our story - minus the mumps - and a few other minor details.

"It sounds like you're being Denise at every opportunity."

"Not exactly, like I told you, I'm the victim of an unusual set of circumstances."

"And me - don't forget to give me credit," Susie insisted. "I'm the evil genius behind all this."

"No, you're not," I protested. "I'm the brains in this outfit."

"Sez you."

"I have to believe Jeffrey about that," Ernie laughed. "I was always amazed at the amount of stuff he had crammed into that little head of his. I learned more from him than all of my teachers."

"Denise has got something of the school mistress - and librarian - about her," Susie grinned.

"I don't know about that, she looks more the naughty schoolgirl to me."

"I've had a hectic morning," I protested, "I've lost some of my natural air of authority."

"The skirt doesn't help either - I never had any teachers show their legs like that."

I squirmed and made an unsuccessful attempt to pull it down. "There's something wrong with this skirt, Susie, it insists on riding up."

She smacked my hand. "Don't Denise, you're going to rip it."

"Hold on, rough road ahead," Ernie called out and made a sharp right turn. "This is where I'm dropping off the fish."

"Not before time," Susie sighed in relief. "I hope this smell hasn't got in our hair. Close your eyes, Denise."

I did and just in time - another spray of perfume hit me full in the face as we hit a big pothole.

"What's that sliding about in the back?" I gasped as I wiped my eyes. "You haven't been up on a church roof again, have you?"

"I told you: I've put all that behind me. It's only a manhole cover. I found it sticking up in the road; if I hadn't removed it, there could have been a nasty accident."

"You did the right thing," Susie agreed. "Someone could have tripped over it and sued the council."

"I thought of doing that, but I've had no luck with lawyers. They've always lost when representing me. After listening to my last one, even I believed I was guilty."

"I don't know why you bother, Ernie. My dad was always saying what a hard worker you were."

"I can't help myself; I just have to see if I can get away with it."

"We know exactly what you mean, don't we, Denise?"

"All too well, Susie."

"Bit of a thrill is it, Jeffrey, old son?"

"You don't know the half of it, Ernie."

 

Chapter 36

"This place looks like a bombsite," Susie exclaimed.

Ernie had pulled up in the yard of a peeling whitewashed cottage with more cardboard in the windows than glass.

"Be tactful, Susie," I cautioned. "This may be Buckingham Palace to some poor folk."

"Ima and Neezer are the salt of the earth," Ernie assured us as he leapt out. "Don't trip over anything and don't pat the goats."

He picked up a fish-box from the back and strode across the yard to one of the outbuildings.

"Come on, Jeffrey, let's get some fresh air."

"After you, Susie - check there's nothing with horns coming our way."

She got out and took a deep breath. "Aw, it pongs worse out here than in there - what is it?"

"The perfume of the farmyard."

"It's the stink of the cesspit and I think we're slap-bang in the middle of it. Mind where you put your feet."

I closed the door behind me and we found an island of dry land to stand on near the van.

"Sorry about this, Susie. Ernie has an unusual circle of friends."

"I wouldn't have thought you'd be one of them."

"Dad liked him. He's a bit of a rogue and a romancer, but there's no real harm in him."

"Apart from the larceny and the street fighting."

"You heard what he said - it was just a passing phase. He's probably grown out of it now - more or less."

"Don't be naive, Jeffrey."

"Can't we give him the benefit of the doubt," I appealed. "Besides, he's always been good to me."

"He's a tea-caddy, Jeffrey."

"A what, Susie?"

"A thief - it's rhyming slang."

"It's tea-leaf."

"Are you sure? Tea-caddy has more of a ring to it."

"Don't call him either; I wouldn't like to hurt his feelings. Think of him as someone who finds things before they're lost."

"Well, I suppose you can't choose who your friends are."

"Yes, you can, Susie."

"Sometimes people latch onto you, Jeffrey."

I gave her a quizzical look. "Isn't that what you did?"

"In a way, but I'm a special case - not everyone will have your best interests at heart like me."

"Well, here's another chance for you to show your devotion to me - we're wanted."

Ernie was waving at us from across the yard. "I've finished negotiating," he shouted. "You can bring the other box over."

Susie gave us both another long spray of her perfume. "The adverts don't mention this stuff isn't effective against rotten fish; I've a good mind to take it back."

I led the way to the back of the van. "Come on, let's get it over with."

We opened the doors and a wave of foul air swept over us.

"Crikey, Jeffrey, this is like being on one of those Japanese torture shows."

"I know exactly what you mean, Susie," I sighed. "At least, it's covered up - hold your breath and grab an end."

We pulled the box towards us, lifted it out and staggered away.

"I wonder what was strapped down under those blankets back there, Jeffrey - it was an elaborate arrangement."

"It's best not to ask; the less we know the better - believe me. Forget it and watch where you're going. One wrong step and we'll be falling on our eyelashes."

"I hope we aren't invited to a fry-up," Susie hissed as we negotiated our way across what could have been a scrap yard. "If this is anything to go by, they may actually be going to eat the stuff."

"I bet there's all sorts of interesting objects buried away in here, Susie. You never know what we might find; there's a good market for agricultural antiques."

"You stick to being Denise - don't go rooting around," she warned.

"I can just look."

"No, you can't. This is what happens when collecting rubbish gets out of hand. We don't want your back garden to end up like this; it'd give dad apoplexy - estate agents are sensitive about such things."

"Careful, Susie, company is on the way. 'One never loses anything by politeness' should be our motto."

We set the box down on an old coalbunker and a woman in a pair of battered wellingtons and a big floppy hat came over, pulled back the sacking and sniffed at it enthusiastically. "Here, Neezer, see what Ernie's fetched us."

A man emerged from the cottage followed by two goats. "Afternoon, Ernie," he called. "Who are the childer?"

"Susie and Denise, they were caught in the rain and I gave them a lift."

He shooed the goats away and shambled over to us.

"We don't have many visitors this time of the year- what are you doing out here?"

"We're two little babes who got lost in the wood," Susie smiled.

"Don't be nosy, Neezer, come and look at this."

From under the top layer of plaice, she drew out a giant koi carp.

"Hens'll be laying golden eggs after eating this little lot," she gloated. "How many of these are there, Ernie?"

"A good few: they were the victims of an unfortunate accident." He gave me a guilty look. "They don't keep very well; the sooner you get them in the swill-boiler the better."

"We've been transporting hot fish," I whispered to Susie.

Neezer picked up the boxes and set off across the yard. He sniffed at us as he passed. "There's a ripe pong around here, Ima."

"Manners, Neezer - town fowk can't help smelling queer. You stay there my lovelies, I've a treat for you."

She turned on her heel and headed towards the ramshackle door of the cottage.

"Funny looking cod, that," Ernie laughed. "It must be one of those mutilations."

"What have you been up to? You know very well it was Moby."

"Moby - who's Moby? I've never heard of him."

"Yes you have - he was hidden in that box."

"I'm just disposing of some past their sell-by date fish," he blustered. "I got it from a friend on the dock; everything's totally legit."

"Moby's the three foot long, one-eyed, bright yellow koi that went missing from a garden centre last week - with thirty of his friends."

"I saw that in the paper, Jeffrey; they said he was worth three thousand pounds. Get after him before he's turned into mush, there could be a reward."

"It's too late now, Susie, he's suffered a dramatic fall in value. He's no longer an ornament to his profession."

"If he was someone's pet, they may still want him back for sentimental reasons; he'd look fine up on the wall in a glass case. He could be stuffed, fitted with a microchip and displayed as a singing carp."

"You're entering the realms of fantasy again, Susie."

"He'd be a lot less trouble dead than alive," she snorted. "You wouldn't have to take him walks."

"This is serious, Susie; it's just the sort of bizarre crime that attracts attention." I turned to Ernie. "Is this your latest get-rich-quick scheme - fish rustling?"

"No, I don't think so. It was what my probation officer calls an opportunistic theft."

"Veni, vidi, velcro. I came, I saw, they stuck to my hands. Was that it?"

"More or less. I'm afraid it's the same old story, Jeffrey - they had them and I didn't." He shrugged his shoulders in resignation. "Anyway, it's cruel keeping wild creatures in captivity, I liberated them."

"Not for long."

"That wasn't my fault. I couldn't find a fish fence and when I got home, the toddler had given them a bubble bath. I've learned my lesson," he groaned. "I won't be acquiring any more perishable goods."

There was a deep gurgling noise from across the yard and a cloud of foul steam blew our way.

"Best forget the whole thing, they're hen food now," Susie choked.

"I never had any luck with my goldfish, either," Ernie moaned. "I gave them the proper food and everything, but they always went belly-up within a week. Tell me, Jeffrey, how do they come by ant-eggs in the wild?"

"Same way they get breadcrumbs."

He was pondering this when Ima returned carrying a battered enamel jug and three chipped mugs.

"Will you have a sup of this, Ernie?"

"Yeah, give us drop." He reached out and took one of the mugs.

"How about you, young uns?"

"What is it?" Susie enquired warily.

"Something full of goodness - just what growing girls need. Here, have a sniff of that." She thrust a mug under Susie's nose. "Warm goat's milk; we were milking them when you landed."

"No thanks," Susie flinched. "I'm being sponsored as a vegan this week, but Denise is always looking for something to boost her brain power."

"I don't know about that, but this'll round her out nicely." She smiled across at me. "Boys like a nice comfy girl. Here get this down - you look fair clemmed."

"Here's a chance for you to show me how a polite young lady behaves, Denise," Susie whispered.

I took the mug, and Ernie clinked cups in encouragement. "Bottoms up, Denise."

Susie stifled a laugh. I closed my eyes and drank it off in one go.

"That was lovely; it reminds me of home." I licked my lips and grinned at Susie.

"Shut up, Heidi, you're scaring Ima to death."

"I'm sorry, Ima, it's our little private joke. I'll have Susie's if you don't mind, these silly fashion victims don't know what's good for them."

She eagerly refilled my mug. "You'll be blooming after drinking this." She turned to Susie. "I don't hold with these modern food fads - growing girls need stuff with some oomph in it. You be careful, young lady, or you'll end up on the Golden Mile as the Boneless Wonder."

"Or the Bearded Lady - crank diets can play havoc with your hormones, Susie. Don't say you haven't been warned."

"I'm eating sensibly to keep in trim, Denise. It wasn't so long ago you were boasting of your boyish figure."

"I didn't," I huffed. "I just said I was svelte through exercise. It's a different thing altogether."

"That's right, dear, work hard and you can eat what you like."

"You should have some fun as well, that's why I've signed up Denise as my badminton partner."

"When did you do that?" I spluttered. "Is this something else you've been keeping from me?"

"No, we've been so busy it just slipped my mind; I'll explain later."

Before I could find out more, Neezer rejoined us with three dirty eggs in each hand.

"Hey up, hold out your hat to put these in."

Susie pulled me towards her and murmured in my ear. "Lucky I got rid of that baseball cap or I'd be taking chicken shit home with me - and not on my feet."

I caught the questioning look in Ima's eye. "Sorry," I apologised, "Susie's not being rude; she can't resist whispering sweet nothings in my ear."

Susie responded by giving me a less than chaste snog. "It's okay, we do it all the time - we're kissing cousins," she laughed as Ima's eyes widened.

"Them fish be boiling up reet nicely with the mash," Neezer beamed, licking his lips. "It'd be a sin to let the hens have it all; we'll have a plateful for supper. You folk can drop by if you like."

"Another time perhaps," Ernie coughed. "I've a tricky job later and these two have to get back across the river. We'd better be on our way."

"Yes, we mustn't miss the last ferry," Susie smiled, "or we'll be swimming home."

"Thanks for the milk," I added as we waved goodbye. "Susie doesn't know what she's missed."

"See thi again soon," they chorused as we made our way to the van.

Susie gave us another precautionary spray of perfume before we settled ourselves down to be bounced back along the track onto the road.

"What was that about badminton, Susie?"

"Nothing, just idle banter - you know how I like to pull your leg."

"There's more to it than that."

"I promise there isn't - shush, now." She leant over and wiped the froth from my mouth. "That lipstick's certainly got staying power, Denise, you'll have to brazen it out at school tomorrow."

"I'm not going. Like you said, wearing make-up's against the school code - they'd send me home."

"Perhaps it only applies to girls - you may have a loophole there."

"Forget it, I'm not putting my head in a noose."

"If it doesn't come off soon, you're going to need a good excuse. How about an allergy - they're very fashionable. I'll have to get googling."

"I'd rather you didn't, Susie. I can do without any more of your misinformation. You should have learnt your lesson after our past experiences."

"I can't argue with you there, Jeffrey."

"What are you two on about?"

"Never you mind - concentrate on your driving - we don't want to be pulled over by the police. I dread to think what else you've got in the back."

"Yes, what's that under the blanket?"

"I told you not to ask, Susie."

"Just the tools of my new trade," Ernie smiled. "All will be revealed before we finally say goodbye."

"Change the subject, Susie."

"Okay - tell me why faddy Jeffrey downed that goat's milk."

"One of us had to and you got your excuse in first."

"Is that all?"

"She reminded me of Gran - not that Gran isn't a bit more hygienic."

"I blooming hope so, Jeffrey. I'm not a fusspot like you, but I do have minimum standards."

"She prides herself on her cooking - don't you refuse anything when we go round."

"You're not the only one who can turn on the charm for old ladies, Jeffrey. I'll wolf it all down."

"You won't be disappointed; she does wonderful things with offal. She could teach that chap who cooks up all those bits nobody else will eat a thing or two."

"No more details, please, Jeffrey; I'd rather the whole thing remained a mystery to me."

"Like in the fast-food places."

"Exactly."

"Actually, Susie, I needed that milk; I was really thirsty. You should have had some; you'll be dehydrating with all the sweat you've lost."

"I am parched, Jeffrey, but that all looked so unhygienic. It wasn't pasteurised, you know - and those dirty old mugs - ugh!"

"Not to worry, we're almost in Scronkey," Ernie smiled. "I'll be stopping to refresh myself before my next job; you can get something there. I know a place that will suit you down to the ground."

"The fabled Scronkey," Susie sighed as the village came in sight. "I was beginning to think the place didn't exist. Why aren't there any signs around here?"

"People steal them as soon as they're put up. It's such a funny old name that they've become collector's items," Ernie grinned.

"Is that what you've got in the back?"

"No, I have to be careful what I transport, but I know where I can lay my hands on one."

"How about getting it for your bedroom wall, Jeffrey?"

"No thanks, Susie."

 

Chapter 37

"The Cosy Kettle - just the place for two young ladies to take afternoon tea, Denise."

"I think we may be underdressed, Susie, it looks a posh place."

"Mrs Henshaw's a cleanliness is next to godliness fanatic," Ernie warned. "Don't forget to wipe your feet before you go in - she's thrown out customers for less."

"Aren't you coming, Ernie?"

"No, I'm off to the Toad and Bucket. I need fortifying for my next mission."

"Why should you be nervous?"

"The job will be a new venture for me, Jeffrey. If it's a success, it could be the start of glorious career."

"Turning up drunk won't help."

"Don't worry, all I'm having is a bracer - and what I can get as a swap for six top quality free-range eggs. I know I'm going to need a clear head and a steady hand."

"Well, keep that in mind."

"See you back here, in half an hour."

He gave us a cheery wave and swaggered off down the street.

"If he needs Dutch courage, we'd be wise to say goodbye to Ernie right now," I whispered to Susie.

"We'll talk about it later, Jeffrey. At present, all I want is a nice cup of tea in civilised surroundings - and to put my feet up."

We carefully inspected each other's shoes before we entered the tearoom.

"Is everything okay, Susie?"

"Fine - just pull your skirt down a bit and be careful not to make an exhibition of yourself."

"I'll keep my end up," I huffed as I tiptoed to the nearest seat. "See that you behave yourself."

"Spotless - this is more like it," Susie crowed as she spread her hands over the pristine tablecloth.

The woman at the counter broke off from drying pots with a dazzling white tea towel and came over to us.

"We wiped our feet," Susie smiled up at her.

That didn't satisfy her and she closely inspected my bare legs.

"You're not leftovers from the Nudefest, are you?"

"The what?" Susie queried.

"The Nudefest: they've been here for a weekend gathering. I want nothing to do with any of them."

"I don't know where you got that idea from - we're clothes mad, aren't we, Denise?"

"Your friend's walking around half-naked."

"No, I'm not," I protested. "I had a little accident with my tights, that's all."

"Nice girls didn't have those sort of accidents in my day," she sniffed.

"I know what you mean," Susie agreed. "Denise is a trouble magnet; I have my work cut out keeping a tight rein on her."

"Well, see that you do while you're in here; I'm forever having to tidy up after careless customers."

"It's beautifully clean in here," Susie remarked. "You could eat off the floor; we were lucky to find such a place."

Mrs Henshaw managed a thin smile. "What would you like my dear?"

"A big pot of tea and something to go with it."

"I've some home-made scones."

"That'll be fine. What do you fancy, Denise?"

"A banana, Susie - I don't want to be any trouble," I murmured without looking up.

The woman returned to the counter and Susie leaned forward. "Don't sulk, Denise, I'm dying for a drink; I'm too thirsty to argue with her."

"I look quite respectable, don't I, Susie?"

"Of course you do, Denise, but be careful how you eat your banana, I don't want us to be making an early exit."

"I think she's a bit of a disciplinarian. Look at her hair. Having it pulled back so tight must be real uncomfortable."

"You don't fancy that style, then."

"No, I like to be able to give my hair a good swish. Don't you go trying it out, either - I like running my fingers through your gorgeous tresses."

"It does give you an air of authority, though," Susie mused.

"If that's what you want, I'd rather see you in a pair of thigh boots. Actually, I wouldn't mind trying some on myself - shiny black ones."

"Calm down, Denise, here she comes; we have to be on our best behaviour."

Mrs Henshaw returned with the order, put down the tray, inspected the cups and gave them another vigorous polish with her shiny white cloth.

"Careful with your crumbs - it's hard work keeping this place immaculate. You wouldn't believe the dirty habits some folk have; they'd be happy living in a pig sty."

"Pigs are clean animals, it's not their fault the way they're forced to live," I mumbled. "We know a boy who kept one in the house as a pet."

"He's not the only one around here," the woman shuddered. "They all end up on the table, though. Isn't that what happened to his?"

"Yes," Susie grimaced, "I was shocked."

"The locals are a bunch of heathens," Mrs Henshaw hissed, giving the table an energetic wipe. "And the tourists are just as bad. I hope your friend's not a free-lover like those nudists."

"I let Denise amuse me with a little of her free thinking, but that's as far as it goes."

"I hope so, or I'll be showing you the door too. The cheek of them - coming in here, in their rope sandals and kaftans, fresh from their naked thrutching, I shouldn't be surprised."

"I'd have thought it was a bit late in the year for that sort of thing," Susie suggested.

"I wish it had rained all weekend and sent them running for home," she exclaimed.

"They've gone now, have they? We wouldn't want to risk an unexpected encounter."

"Until next year - him up at the Hall can't wait to have them back. He'll rent out his land to any ragtag and bobtail. He claims to be a descendant of Geoffrey the Crossbowman, the original Lord of the Manor. He goes around glad-handing everybody. He'd shake hands with a cardie, but he doesn't fool me, he's nothing more than a common little spiv."

She polished the air with her towel and flounced off. We could hear her expressing her disapproval all the way out of the room.

"Phew! She has an incredible tut-tut, Denise."

"I don't notice such things in other women since I met you, Susie."

"That's how it should be, Jeffrey." She picked up the teapot. "Shall I be mother?"

"You certainly shall, Susie, but not today, thanks. That goat's milk was very filling - I'll just have my banana."

Susie poured out a cup for herself. "Would you like to have a baby, Denise?"

"Not at the moment, Susie. The truth is, I find the whole thing a bit overwhelming."

"Don't go frightening me, Jeffrey, that's not what I want to hear."

"Well, Cheyenne did make my breasts tingle a bit, but I suppose it doesn't count - because you do that and more."

"I'm gratified to hear it, Denise."

"Or I could be suffering from a touch of jogger's nipple. Do your breasts tingle much, Susie?"

"Shush, this isn't the place to discuss tingling breasts; she's probably got ears like a bat."

"Drink up, then, before we say something we regret."

Susie took a long swig of her tea. "That's better," she sighed. She emptied the cup, refilled it and started on a scone. "The woman may be a dragon, but there's nothing wrong with her baking."

"She's a bit obsessed with polishing; she never puts that cloth down. She carries the thing around like a security blanket."

"There's no harm in that as long as she doesn't chew on it. I'm reassured to know I'm eating in a place with the highest standards of hygiene."

"You can be too clean, Susie."

"Not as far as I'm concerned, especially after our encounter with Ima. There were probably all sorts of germs in that milk."

"Now you're frightening me, Susie."

"Sorry, they were probably just your everyday variety - nothing deadly."

"I'm off to the toilet."

"I was only joking - remember not to lift the seat up."

When I got back, Susie was licking the remains of the scones from her plate. "Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"I daren't leave a crumb. Look, she's back again polishing the crockery."

"She was in the toilet just now."

Susie stared at me. "You look a little flushed. What's the matter - did she catch you standing up?"

"No, it isn't that."

"What is it then - did you see a floater?"

"No, it's spotless in there like everywhere else."

"Don't keep me guessing. Come on, tell me."

"It's something you're better off not knowing."

"Jeffrey!" She hissed under her breath. "We've no secrets from one another."

"Well, if you insist. When I went in there, she was down on her hands and knees polishing away in the toilet bowl."

"So, that's no big surprise."

I paused for a moment. "With the same shiny white tea towel she uses on the pots and plates."

"Ugh!" Susie hawked and spit out. "I've got fluff on my tongue from it."

"Do you want another cup to wash it down?"

"Not bloody likely. That tea is probably swimming in salmonella."

"It'll be the other way round, surely."

"This isn't funny, Jeffrey," she hissed, "I could have been poisoned."

"Don't worry, like my granddad says - every man must eat a peck of dirt before he dies."

"You and your bloody granddad," Susie cried. "Quit grinning and pass me the sick-bag."

"I'm sending health and safety round there, Jeffrey, that woman's a menace."

We were back in the street and Susie hadn't been sick in spite of putting her fingers down her throat.

"You'll be fine; dogs drink out of toilet bowls all the time and they thrive on it. Besides, it was awash with Harpic in there - the germs didn't stand a chance."

"You're right, Jeffrey, I could taste it in the tea. I thought it was some posh stuff like Earl Grey - I'm only used to PG Tips."

We wandered down the street to a little general store. "How about buying me a new pair of tights, Susie? I feel half undressed like this."

"Here you are." She offered me her purse.

"No, you get them; I might make a fool of myself buying women's things."

"Don't be daft."

"I'm not. I've never bought them before. I might mess up on the technical details."

"Technical details! What are you talking about? It's not like we're shopping at Tightserama; there'll be no choice here - it'll be take it or leave it."

"Where's Tightserama, Susie?"

"In my head, Jeffrey, I made it up."

"Oh, did you?" I showed my disappointment. "It sounded an interesting place to go. I would have liked to have had a look around a place like that."

"We can go back to Bustop anytime."

"It's a little cramped in there; everything's on top of you. I prefer somewhere we can browse around undisturbed. My choice of underwear isn't something I want to be discussing with total strangers."

"It's lingerie, Jeffrey and you weren't so shy in front of Stephanie - you revelled in it."

"I didn't have much choice," I protested. "Anyway, she's not doolally like that woman at Bustop - she said I had aura."

"You have, Denise - I can see it now. You've a rainbow round your shoulders. Go on, sunbeam - get in there and brighten up a poor shopkeeper's day."

The bell jangled behind us as we made our way to the counter. We waited, but no one appeared.

"They probably don't get many customers on wet, autumn Mondays."

"One thing this place has got is its own unique smell, Denise."

I sniffed the air and looked from a line of sacks up against the wall to a giant, precarious pyramid of triple-ply Andrex on the counter.

"Seems paraffin, dog biscuits and toilet rolls are the best sellers around here, Susie. I think we may be disappointed in our quest."

"A store like this will have all sorts squirreled away. Shop!" she called into the back room.

"Just a minute, just a minute - I'm in the middle of something," came an ill-tempered voice from upstairs.

We heard the sound of a toilet flushing, a door opening and the clatter of footsteps.

"More bloody nuisances," someone groaned. "They'd better not be wasting my time again."

"Fancy sharing a box of Bonio if we can't find what we want, Susie?"

Before she could answer a pale-faced woman panted her way into the room. "I hope you know what you want. I can't be bothering with pernickety customers."

"Sorry, if we've caught you at a bad time," I apologised.

"Get on with it - I can't be hanging around. I've got diarrhoea; I've overindulged in those damn Pontefract cakes. "

"We'll pardon your excretives, won't we, Denise?" Susie grinned.

The woman gave us a basilisk stare.

"Have you any tights?" I hastily asked.

Her features softened and a glint came into her eye. "I've just the thing for a smart young girl like you. They're what you call designer wear; I got them from my special supplier. Your friend will probably want a pair as well."

She ducked out of sight and began rummaging around under the counter.

"No arguments - buy them and let's be on our way," I whispered to Susie.

"Here they are."

The woman shoved a box up on to the counter right into the base of the toilet rolls.

"Watch out!"

Susie leapt forward to steady them, but only succeeded in pushing over the whole pile. They cascaded down on top of the woman.

"What the hell!"

"Now you've done it, Susie - we'll get the blame for damaging them and she'll make us buy the lot."

"Shush, Denise, get back here. It was nothing to do with me."

The woman surfaced from under the pile of Andrex, looking bemused.

"I hope she's okay, Susie."

"Don't worry, Denise, there's nothing broken - it's only soft tissue damage."

The woman steadied herself and put her hands on the counter. "I can do you a special offer on toilet rolls. Those nudists didn't seem to get through as many as your regular campers. In fact, they were a big disappointment all round; I hardly sold them anything."

"What you want is a big pop festival with plenty of rain and mud," Susie smiled.

"The parish council would never allow that. They don't understand business; they make life hard for entrepreneurs like me." She suddenly clutched at her belly. "Oh, wait there." She grabbed one of the rolls and headed upstairs. "I'll be back in a minute - don't go."

Susie reached across to the box and pulled out a packet of tights. "Here you are, make yourself respectable and we'll be ready to go."

I tore open the packet and rushed to put them on.

"Oh, they've a pattern," I griped as I drew them on. "I wanted plain ones."

"Well, it's too late now."

"They are nice and sheer - I suppose they'll be all right."

I stood up and gave Susie a twirl. "What do you think?"

"Very erotic, Denise."

I looked down at the flock of large butterflies fluttering up my legs. "I don't think these are appropriate, Susie," I shuddered. "There's something unseemly about them disappearing up my skirt."

"They are very lifelike - do they tickle?"

"I keep wanting to brush the things off; it's going to look suggestive if I keep rubbing at my thighs."

"You'll soon forget all about them."

"I feel self-conscious, Susie. They'll attract attention."

"That's what mini-skirted girl's legs are supposed to do. Stop complaining, you were the one who wanted a pair of tights."

"Not this pair."

"Don't worry, they look very nice - very inviting. And after that wedding outfit, you should be able to carry off anything."

"They're not the sort of thing one wears on a country ramble. People will be looking up my skirt."

"No, they won't. Anyway, you should be getting used to the occasional admiring glance by now - it goes with the territory."

"The things I do for you, Susie," I sighed. "I suppose I should be grateful you're not a naturist - God knows what you'd be having me get up to then."

"That's not my thing, Denise. You wouldn't think a Nudefest would be popular around here, either," she reflected. "You'd have thought the council would have found some way to stop it."

"Birds of a feather, Susie."

"What do you mean - birds of a feather?"

"Nudists and witches."

"What witches?"

"The local council, Susie - they're a coven."

"You're pulling my leg again, Jeffrey."

"I'm not. It was in the paper over the summer. They interviewed this chap who failed to get elected. He complained that he never had a chance because he wasn't a member of the local coven."

"Sour grapes, that's all."

"No, they boasted about being witches - white ones, as if that made any difference. They're all the same: nudists, witches, druids, ecofreaks, friends of the Earth - Morris men. They all want to parade naked around Stonehenge."

"Morris men - what have you got against them?"

"Piggy Bacon's trying to start a troupe at school. He's got his eye on all the boys who don't play rugby, but there's no way I'm prancing around in shorts and tinkling bells. There are limits, Susie - don't you go volunteering us."

"I give you my solemn word, Jeffrey, We won't be dancing around any maypoles."

"And don't expect Denise to be your partner in crime for anything else, either."

"Like what?"

"Like badminton: I know what to expect, once an idea finds a home in your little head."

"I thought bending over in a short skirt, showing off a pair of frilly knickers to me was your favourite sport."

"There's more to being Denise than the titillating underwear and getting my bottom smacked," I huffed. "Now shush, she's on her way down stairs."

"Pooh, there's something in the air." Susie sprayed us again. "I'm using this stuff like air-freshener; I hope you appreciate my generosity."

The woman waddled back into the room. "I hope that was the final round - talk about a ring of fire."

"We wouldn't be surprised if you've put the last of it behind you, would we, Denise?"

She sniffed the air. "It doesn't smell that bad. In fact, it reminds me of some perfume I've come by. Would you be interested - at a special price?"

She plonked two bottles of Obsession on the counter.

"How do we know it isn't fake?" Susie asked suspiciously.

"You can give yourself a free spray."

Susie gave us both another dousing. "What do you think, Denise?"

"I'll always associate it with the smell of rotten fish."

"It's genuine, then."

"Seems so."

"You can have them both and the four pairs of tights for twenty pounds."

"Give her my money, Susie."

"Funny old shop that, Jeffrey."

"She certainly had a peculiar range of goods."

"And she seemed to have over ordered on a lot of the stuff."

"Yes, Susie, she didn't have much idea of stock control."

"We can't all be business wizards. Perhaps, she's fallen victim to a silver-tongued salesman."

"Or she's the accomplice of a sticky-fingered rogue."

"You don't mean."

"I shouldn't be at all surprised."

"It must be difficult running a small village shop; you can't blame her, Jeffrey. People in glass houses ..."

"What do you mean? We haven't handled any stolen goods."

"You seem intent on keeping Stephanie's outfit for your bottom drawer. That's worth a hell of a lot more than a couple of bottles of perfume."

"It's a different thing entirely. I'm looking after it for her. She'll get it back - eventually."

"When will that be, Denise - after our wedding?"

"No, when you talk me into visiting Stephanie with you."

"We are going to be paying her a return visit, then."

"You know we are. Come on, let's get back to the van."

"Hold on a minute - we may as well do the full tour. Let's pay the Animal Sanctuary shop a visit."

"We'll have to buy a souvenir postcard of the three-legged donkey."

"No, we won't - just don't let yourself be talked into anything."

"We'll have to get something. It's such a little place; we'll be right under the shopkeeper's nose. It'll be embarrassing to leave empty-handed, especially as it's a charity shop."

"We can always drop something in the collection box, but I think we'll be making our contribution in a different way." A smile spread across Susie's face. "Look there - that's just what Denise needs to go with those tights."

She pointed to a pair of shiny red high heels in the window.

"I'm not hiking around in those - we've many miles to go before twilight."

"What do you mean? We're going to be chauffeured to the ferry."

"The best laid plans, Susie - let's be prepared for the unexpected."

"Shut up, Jeffrey - we've had more than our share of troubles for today."

"Don't tempt fate, Susie."

"Buying a pair of shoes won't make any difference - you'd like them, wouldn't you?"

"I suppose I could wear them around the house with these tights and that sequinned skirt."

"And that bustier."

"You've talked me into it."

I held open the door and we squeezed into the tiny shop. Susie waved her arm at the serious looking woman behind the counter.

"This is a pretty tight fit - there's hardly room to swing a cat in here," she laughed.

The woman gave her a silent stare.

"Not that I would, mind you. I'm against cruelty to animals and all that factory farming stuff, aren't I, Denise?"

"What about shining a torch in a cat's eyes to make it fall off the wall?"

"A harmless childish experiment - all kids do that. I've grown out of such things."

"It doesn't stop you picking me up by the ears, Susie."

"That's foreplay, Denise, you know I like to hear you purr."

"If you're that fond of cats, we have plenty in need of a good home," the woman offered. "They've had all their shots and been neutered; you'll have no trouble with them."

"What do you think, Denise?"

"We had our cat seen to, but it didn't do any good, he still wanted to spend every night on the tiles. We couldn't keep him in."

"Maybe he had an extra ball that the vet missed."

"My granddad denutted him; he's a dab hand at such things. Nicky was his first failure."

"That's a bit of a mystery, then. How do you explain his dogged devotion to nocturnal nookie?"

"Well, Susie, I suppose he was one of those cats who just liked to watch."

The woman gave me a disapproving look. "Your granddad could be in serious trouble."

"Sorry," Susie apologised, "it was just a bit of nonsense from Denise; she hasn't even got a cat."

"That's right. Mum has an allergy - she comes out in pink blotches if she so much as looks at one."

"Stop it, Denise, get a grip on yourself."

"Sorreee, Susie, the prospect of wearing those red shoes has got me all in a tizzy."

"If they're going to make you behave like this, I think I'll get you that pair of green wellies instead."

"Aw please, Susie, I'm itching to try them on."

The woman came from behind the counter and squeezed past us to the window.

"Here you are." She handed me the shoes. "You can use my chair."

"Denise hasn't much experience in heels; she's been terrified of what her mum would say if she was caught wearing them."

"Your mother's strict with you, is she, dear? I hope she's not one of those fundamentalists."

"No, her mum's a chiropodist. She has horror stories about feet that would make your toes curl - bunions the size of onions."

"Sometimes, Susie, I don't know what you'll say next," I sighed as I stood up. "What do you think?"

"Stunning, Denise."

"Very nice, dear, but save them for special occasions or you'll pay for it in the long run. I can only wear comfy shoes nowadays."

"I'll have to be careful, Susie - time wounds all heels."

"You needn't worry, Denise, with me and your mum looking after them, your feet are in good hands."

"How much?" I asked.

"Twenty pounds - it's for a good cause."

"Give her my money, Susie."

 

Chapter 38

"Where did you learn to sway like that, Denise? Anyone would think you'd been practicing it for years."

"Well, I haven't. A different way to walk has come naturally to me. The skirt, heels and underwear are all playing their part," I conceded modestly. "I wouldn't want to take all the credit."

"Whatever - the way you move your bottom is something to behold."

"Hey, I'm not mincing, am I?"

"Only in a nice way, Denise."

"I think you've seen more than enough for now, Susie; I've paraded all down the street for you - let me have my trainers back."

"You can change at the van. It won't do any harm to walk them in a little."

"What if Ernie catches me wiggling away like this? Up until now, he may only have thought of me as Jeffrey in a kilt."

"He's not Scots, is he?"

"No."

"Well, it wouldn't make any difference if he was: he's seen you as full-on Denise and that's that."

"Not quite as Denisey as this."

"The more Denisey the better in my opinion. You may as well make full use of her charms."

"You think Denise is charming, do you, Susie?"

"She certainly is."

"In that case, can she sweet-talk you into not going any further with Ernie? I sense trouble brewing - it's her female intuition."

"Aw, I don't want to give up the ride. He's taking us all the way to the ferry. No more messing about and no more foot-slogging."

"It won't be as straightforward as you make out. There's going to be at least one diversion, which will probably involve something not quite legal."

"We'll ask him what exactly he has planned and then we can decide what to do - how's that?"

"Okay, but no giving him the benefit of the doubt. If it's ever so slightly questionable, we don't go."

"You're worrying over nothing - he's only a petty criminal."

"The trouble is he doesn't know that, Susie. He's full of silly cunning."

"Well, he's not going to rob a bank out here and there isn't room in that van for him to be a cattle rustler. He'll be doing something mundane - like hedging or hosing down a pig sty."

"You don't know him, Susie; he's a bit of a loose cannon at the best of times and he's full of himself at the moment. He's hiding something big under that hat of his."

"You don't believe he's a reformed character, then."

"He never learns from his mistakes. He always needs money for the horses."

"Ah, that's his problem - he's a wild gambler."

"No, he's a scientific one; he has a system, which produces consistent results."

"I find that hard to believe, Jeffrey. How does it work?"

"He loses all his money, Susie."

"That doesn't surprise me; it fits in with his psychological profile."

"You've done an in-depth analysis of him, have you?"

"Practically, he's a textbook case."

"Like me, Susie?"

"No, Jeffrey - I'll be spending a lifetime figuring you out."

"I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of me one way or another, Susie."

"Well, one thing you can explain is the fondness Ernie has for you and your dad."

"And mum. I suppose he liked being with a happy family. Ernie was punched up not brought up."

"Are you sure that's all - was your dad totally legit, Jeffrey?"

"He was a scrap metal merchant."

"And what else?"

"Your dad's an estate agent, Susie - you should know better than to ask those kind of questions."

"He wasn't in the Mafia or anything, was he?"

"Don't be daft, Susie; where would you find any of them around here?"

"My dad's a freemason and a roundtabler."

"My dad was a member of Thornley Conservative Club; you can't get more respectable than that."

"Was he interested in politics, Jeffrey?"

"No, snooker, Susie."

"He's drunk; he can't walk in a straight line."

"He tripped over a paving stone, Jeffrey - that's all."

"He's not fit to drive."

"You're just looking for an excuse to get me back on safari."

"I'm not. We'd be mad to go with him if he's tipsy."

Ernie grabbed a lamppost, adjusted his hat and waved at us from across the road.

"There you are, he's fine - it was just the shock of the fresh air."

"You said he tripped."

"Okay, okay, I'll give him a sobriety test."

"Get him to spell 'Mississippi' backwards."

"That's not fair - I don't think he could do that sober. How about if he says it backwards?"

"That's too much like 'I'm pissed'; he might get it right by accident."

Ernie made it back to his van without further mishap and managed a sweeping bow without falling over. "I'm at your command, my lovelies - your carriage awaits you."

"Are you, er, all right?"

"Raring to go," he grinned as he opened the driver's door. "Sexy shoes, by the way, Denise - and very classy tights," he winked as he swung himself into his seat. "They fell off the back of a very exclusive lorry."

"Are they hot, Ernie?"

"They are with that skirt - it makes you wonder what kind of flower's attracting those butterflies."

"I told you, Susie - they draw people's eyes upwards. I'm taking them off."

"Give over moaning and get in."

"Wait a minute - we haven't found out what Ernie's up to yet."

"It doesn't matter; if it's anything dodgy, we'll bugger off when he stops. That way, we'll spare our feet for a few more miles."

She opened the door and shoved me in.

"We haven't even checked if he's still sober," I protested.

"As a judge," he slurred. He saw my look of alarm and laughed. "I'm only joking; I'm definitely not puddled - hic."

"I can drive until your head clears," Susie offered. "I've a learner's licence."

"No, she hasn't - don't let her behind that wheel, Ernie, or you'll be in need of a new van."

"Sorry, love, with the load I'm carrying, I can't risk going into the ditch," Ernie grinned as we got under way.

"It's valuable, is it?" Susie probed, ignoring my warning.

"And fragile, but I've got it well packed."

"Don't tell us what it is. We're just happy to be along for the ride," I interrupted. "We've done enough walking today, haven't we, Susie."

"More than enough - and you won't be so keen on it now, in those shoes."

"What's with your change of footwear, Denise?"

"Susie insisted I get them to go with my new tights; I have no say in these matters."

Susie guffawed and dug me in the ribs, but she didn't say anything.

"What happened to your old ones?"

"I tore them climbing a tree."

"That doesn't sound like the Jeffrey I knew."

"I'm a changed man since I came under Susie's influence."

"No, you're not - you're just developing a well-rounded personality."

"Amongst other things," I sighed.

"You were definitely thinking too much, Jeffrey. I've probably saved you from going mad."

"Thanks very much, Susie."

"She's right, Jeffrey - even when you were a little fellow, you used to befuddle me sometimes."

"He can make the bones in your brain ache when he gets going."

"I know a little bit about a lot of things, that's all - but I still don't know enough about you, Susie."

"You're learning quite fast enough, butterfly." She ran her fingers through my hair. "Sometimes I think you may be a little witch."

"Did you know butterfly was originally boterschijte?"

"What does that mean?"

"Butter shit. Someone must have gone around examining their crap."

"You always have to spoil things, Jeffrey."

"Sorry, Susie, I didn't mean anything by it - just one more random fact. I am grateful to you for giving me a broader outlook on life - I may have been a little narrow-minded before."

"I expanded my horizons this summer; I had a month in Brazil," Ernie crowed.

"Ah, where the nuts come from."

"Where the criminals decamp to, Susie."

"No such thing, Jeffrey - I was visiting my brother Bert."

"What's he doing over there?"

"He fancied a change of climate. He thought it would be better for his knees."

"Mum nags dad about his rugby playing setting up rheumatism. She thinks it puts too much of a strain on them."

"Your dad's carrying a lot of weight that can't help matters."

"Same with Bert - he'd have had no chance when they came chasing after him with a sledgehammer."

"Well, Brazil wouldn't be my first choice of a second home; I wouldn't want to live in a sauna bath."

"Me neither: I'm in danger of developing prickly heat just keeping up with you, Jeffrey."

"The weather was okay, but no one spoke English; they wouldn't even give it a try," Ernie complained. "I don't know what's wrong with them; they had a lot of other funny habits."

"They're foreigners; they do things differently."

"You're spot on there, Jeffrey. We had to boil all our water in a pan on the gas. I couldn't get hold of an electric kettle for love or money. The buggers in the shops had never heard of one; they thought I was mad."

"Perhaps something got lost in the translation," Susie suggested.

"I don't think so. I mimed the whole thing to them. It couldn't have been clearer. I even spelt it out for them - electrico kettlo. I never had a decent cup of tea the whole time I was there."

"You enjoyed yourself apart from that, though."

"The insects were a bit of a challenge; there's some right big beggars. Moths the size of birds."

"I don't want to know about that, thank you, Ernie," I shuddered.

"They're harmless, beautiful creatures, Jeffrey - and don't you spin me any silly stories about killer, vampire moths."

"He wouldn't be far wrong. It's a hell of a shock to wake up and find one of them with its tongue up your nose. I was glad to get home in the end. I told Bert he'd be better off moving on to Australia. It's more our kind of place."

"Is this completely above board, Ernie?"

I'd got him to stop before he took us up the road to his job at the farm.

"Absolutely, I'm doing a favour for the farmer - he's a pillar of the community."

"What kind of a favour?"

"He's had an ultimatum from the council. Some of the incomers on that new estate we passed have been kicking up a fuss."

"What about?"

"Farm stuff - I'm the man who's going to sort out his problem."

"There you are - Ernie's going to be doing the public a service."

"Then we shouldn't distract him. It's fine now, we can get out here and walk on to the next village. Farm jobs are messy and smelly, Susie, this one will be no exception."

"Not the way we're doing it - you could be wearing your best bib and tucker."

"What do you mean - we?"

"I hoped you'd come along to give some moral support to my new venture."

"We'd like to, wouldn't we, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie."

"Yes you would. You're just afraid we'll miss the ferry, that's all. How long will it take, Ernie?"

"Don't worry, I'll get you there in plenty of time. Here we go - hold on."

He put the van in gear and we bumped away down the rough track.

"None of these farmers seem keen on spending money on road maintenance," Susie moaned.

"This is worse than I remember it; old Bleasedale's been neglecting this track. I'll have to see about doing a deal on some hardcore."

After another big jolt, a box slid from under my seat and rested between my feet.

"What's in there?" Susie asked before I could stop her.

Ernie reached down and brought out a bottle. "Hold on to that for a moment, Jeffrey. I don't want any accidents - it's precious stuff."

I had a close look at the pale yellow, oily liquid.

"What's this?"

"Guess," he smirked.

"You haven't started making moonshine, have you?"

"Maybe."

"Don't drink it, Jeffrey - you'll send yourself blind."

"Goat's milk in a dirty mug is my limit, Susie; I'm only holding it up to the light."

"Give it a shake - see if it froths."

"No, don't do that, Jeffrey," Ernie yelled.

"Why not - is it some delicate expensive perfume?"

"No, nitro-glycerine!"

 

Chapter 39

"Aaaahhh, Susie, I've had another unwanted baby dumped in my lap."

The van bucked again and I bounced in my seat.

"Oh, Jeffrey - keep it still," Susie cried in alarm. "Cushion the little bombino in your cleavage -that's what it's for."

"Calm down, there's no need to panic. I've done my homework on handling the stuff," Ernie boasted. "I've seen 'Wages of Fear' - twice. We've a big safety margin - we're not in the tropics."

"Well, it feels like it. You've gone too far this time, Ernie - we're dicing with death. You're ... you're totally irresponsible."

"Don't mince your words, Jeffrey - he's bloody bonkers."

The van hit another pothole and I was flung into Susie's lap.

"Sorry, Susie."

"Stay put, Jeffrey." She flung her arms around mep and held on tight. "I'll be an extra shock absorber."

"You're a noble girl, Susie. It's good to know you're always there for me in an emergency."

"Hold on while I open the window - you can throw it out."

"No! Don't do that," Ernie shrieked. "It's powerful stuff - you'll blow us all to kingdom come. Just cradle it there and we'll be okay."

"What the hell do you need nitro-glycerine for, Ernie?" Susie gasped as I bounced on her again.

"To set off the dynamite," he blithely announced. "My contacts didn't have the proper detonators. I had to take what was on offer - you don't get this sort of stuff down your local supermarket."

I composed myself and squinted down at the bottle. "I wouldn't be so sure about that - this looks just like olive oil. Are you sure you haven't been diddled?"

"Never, Jeffrey - haven't you heard of honour among thieves. Everything came with a money back guarantee."

"Where's the dynamite - is it hidden under our seats?"

"No, it's covered up in the back and there's no doubt that's the genuine article."

"Has it 'Acme' stamped on it?"

"No, that would have been my first choice, but they didn't have any; I had to settle for this. I think it may be sweating, so the sooner we're shut of it, the better."

"I don't want Jeffrey ending up in jug; I promised his mum I'd keep him out of trouble. We're not getting involved in anything criminal."

"It's not criminal; the farmer just wants to avoid all that council red-tape. All we're doing is frustrating some jobsworths. It's none of their business what he does on his own land, but they don't see it that way."

"It'll be just like an unofficial giant firework display, will it?"

"And some, Susie, you won't want to miss it. It'll be a once in a lifetime experience."

"We've had a lot of those lately, haven't we, Jeffrey?"

"I hope that's what they were, Susie."

Ernie brought the van to a smooth halt in the farmyard. I carefully put the bottle back in its box and relaxed in Susie's arms.

"You'll have to get off now, Jeffrey - my leg's gone numb. This lap-dancing isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"There must be something in it, Susie; we were probably doing it wrong."

"They weren't the ideal circumstances, I'll grant you that. We'll have another go later. I'll sit in your lap - maybe things will fit better that way round."

"I want to take it in turns."

"Give over, the pair of you; I'm a married man - this is embarrassing talk."

"It's nervy nonsense - you've scared the living daylights out of us," Susie glared.

"I didn't mean to; these things are just the tools of my trade. I want to behave like a true professional in my new vocation."

"And what's that, Ernie?"

"Blowing things up."

"Apart from yourself, what are these things going to be?"

"Anything and everything. I'm starting at the bottom and I hope to work my way to the very top."

"What's the bottom, Ernie - what are you going to demolish?"

"A septic tank full of shit."

"You don't blow up septic tanks."

"You do when they're in the state this one is. Bleasdale's had his last warning; he's desperate to get it filled in. My job is to empty it first."

"Wouldn't he be better off calling in DynaRod?"

"This is too big a job for them, Susie. There's eighty years of pig muck festering in there. The whole lot's got to go. What's called for is a controlled explosion."

"Don't you need a licence and qualifications for this sort of thing?"

"I'm learning on the job, Jeffrey. There's no substitute for practical experience."

"Why would the farmer employ someone like you, Ernie?"

"He's a cheapskate, Jeffrey."

"Are you giving him a special introductory offer as your number one customer - or doesn't he know that?"

"I'm not too proud to admit I could use a bit of help. I still have to work out all the fine details of how to get things to go off with a bang. You can help me there, Jeffrey."

"No, I can't. We're staying here."

"We could go along as special advisers and watch from a safe distance, Jeffrey."

"Have you completely lost your marbles, Susie? Ernie, dynamite and who knows how many tons of shit. We should have started running in the opposite direction ten minutes ago."

"The sooner Ernie gets it over with, the sooner we get a ride to the ferry. Go on, Jeffrey - assisting with a little explosion in an ocean of shite - you could do that standing on your head."

"The farmer isn't going to be impressed with a mini-skirted teenager as Ernie's right hand man."

"Don't forget we're feminists, Denise - all careers are open to us. We can say we're on a government training scheme and we've come along for work experience."

Ernie had taken advantage of our discussion to take out the nitro bottle and put it on the dashboard.

"You won't mind bringing that along, will you? I'll have my hands full with the dynamite."

"We're having nothing to do with it; we're staying right here," I repeated. "If anyone asks, we're two clueless schoolgirls who innocently accepted a lift from a total stranger."

"Exactly, we're just the sort of silly sods who would tag along to see what Dynamite Dan was up to."

"I wouldn't describe us as silly, Susie. I consider Denise delightfully naive."

"She's madcap, Jeffrey - we both are."

"Speak for yourself, Susie, I think I've got my head screwed on right. We don't want folk to get the idea we're Ernie's accomplices."

"You needn't worry about that; we white van men are very attractive to a certain kind of young lady," Ernie grinned. "People will think you're my pair of cucumbers."

"What do you mean - cucumbers?"

"You know - like them oil sheiks have."

"What's he talking about, Jeffrey?"

"We're to be his concubines, Susie."

"You can forget that straight away," Susie exploded.

"Sorry, sorry." Ernie held up his hands. "I don't know what I'm saying; I just want you to come along," he pleaded. "This is big deal for me. Now that I'm a married man with a family to take care of and a little un to feed ..."

"Give me your bag, Susie, I want to change my shoes."

"I knew you wouldn't let me down, Jeffrey." Ernie opened his door and jumped down. "I'll see to the dynamite - don't forget to bring the nitro."

Susie inspected the bottle. "Did you give in because you know this is olive oil?"

"Do you want to try some?"

"No thanks: we'll find out soon enough."

"It's possible he's back there unloading sticks of genuine Plasticine."

"You think there won't be much to see, then."

"I'm hoping not. You may have to be satisfied with a walk round a mismanaged septic tank."

"That sounds a trifle dull, Jeffrey."

"Well, I'm not falling in for you."

Susie shouldered her bag, I picked up the nitro and we rejoined Ernie at the back of the van.

"Do you like the briefcase? Now that I'm running my own business, I want to create a good impression." He gave it a slap. "I've got everything in here."

"Be careful," I cried. "That could be an unexploded bomb, lest you forget."

"Don't worry, they told me it's as safe as modelling clay."

"Ignorance is bliss," I mumbled.

"Shush, Jeffrey, don't be a wet blanket, Ernie needs our full support. Haven't you something more positive to say?"

"Let's hope we don't regret not stocking up on toilet paper when we had the chance."

"You need have no worries there - none of it will be coming our way. Follow me." Ernie set off across the yard. "It's in this next field."

"Aren't you letting the farmer know you're here?" Susie asked.

"He's making himself scarce, just in case."

"In case what?"

"He needs an alibi."

"What have I been telling you, Susie? I'm not the only one who thinks this will end in disaster."

"It's just a precaution - he fully approves of my plan."

"Just out of interest, where did you get the idea from, Ernie?"

"The Internet."

"I don't like the sound of that, Jeffrey."

"Neither do I, Susie."

"This is like a breath of fresh air after rotten fish, Jeffrey."

"I wouldn't go that far, Susie."

"It reminds me of a chocolate meringue."

"More like a giant Yorkshire pudding - or a fly-blown scone, maybe."

"Jeffrey, please, those aren't the kind of associations you should be putting in my mind."

We'd reached the bottom of the field and were contemplating the contents of a two-room size septic tank.

"I realise it isn't in the same class as bringing down a factory chimney, but it'll be a worthy first opponent. Four thousand tons of effluent - that's what Bleasdale says is in there."

"I can't help thinking gran would be proud of that crust. You'll see what I mean when we go round for Sunday dinner, Susie."

She pulled a face as we watched Ernie toss in a fallen branch. It broke the surface and a big green bubble plopped up.

"I suppose that reminds you of your gran's Yorkshire pudding as well."

"Only when one's gone wrong. If that happens, just eat it and say nothing. I know I can rely on you after your experience in the Cosy Kettle."

"If you weren't carrying that bottle, Jeffrey."

"No time for that now, Susie - business before pleasure."

Ernie had unpacked his case and laid out the big five-pound sticks of explosive on the ground.

"It's met its match with these babies. Those stuck up snobs on the estate will soon have nothing to complain about."

Susie looked out over the surrounding fields. "One question, Ernie - where's it all supposed to go?"

"Bleasdale's not particular - anywhere will do. We'll be slurry spreading on a grand scale."

"That sounds a bit hit and miss to me," Susie frowned. "There's going to be a hell of a lot of shit looking for a new home."

"You'll certainly think so if it lands on our heads."

"Is there any chance of that, Jeffrey?"

"What goes up, Susie ..."

"You won't be in any danger. This will be a contained explosion - not one of your 'just the bleeding doors' cock-ups. Trust me, I know what I'm doing."

"You haven't the proper fuses or detonators; you've a bottle of oily liquid and three different types of dynamite - how can we trust you?"

"I've used my natural ingenuity to overcome any shortcomings in my equipment."

"You're making it up as you go along and hoping for the best."

"No, Jeffrey, I've got it all worked out - it's foolproof. I'm going to tie the dynamite to the nitro and have the whole lot plunge in from a great height."

"He's going to chuck it in like a hammer thrower, Susie. Let's get moving; it could land anywhere."

"I'm not daft; I'll be dropping it straight down its throat from up there."

He pointed to a tall tree with a high branch overhanging the tank.

"Rather you than me," Susie gaped. "You'll more than likely go up with it - dancing atop a fountain of shit."

"Not with my plan," Ernie smirked. He got out four new clotheslines from his case. "Help me tie these together."

"How are you going to get this up over a branch, Ernie? You've forgotten your bow and arrow."

"Some climbing is going to be required, Jeffrey." He rubbed his bottom and grimaced. "I had a nasty fall last night; I've a bruise the size of a dinner plate on my backside. I'm not my usual agile self."

"And you think it's more of a job for a junior assistant."

"If you could see your way to helping me out ..."

"Jeffrey's not carrying that lot up there."

"He only has to take the rope and loop it over a branch - the higher the better - bring it back down and then I can hoist up the whole shebang."

It looked a long way to the top of the tree. "You know me, Ernie, I've never been into that sort of boy stuff."

"I thought Denise might do it for me; she seems to have a certain something that Jeffrey hasn't."

"No, we've both got it - it's called Susie. I haven't been myself since I met her."

"Yes you have, Jeffrey."

"It must be a mad self," I sighed. "Come and give me a leg up."

"Thanks, Denise, I won't forget this - and I'll pay for any damage to your tights."

"Are you sure about this?" Susie whispered.

"Showing off the spunkier aspect of my new persona to Ernie might not be such a bad idea."

"That won't be the first thing he sees."

"I'll just have to hope actions speak louder than weird undies."

We walked over to the tree. Ernie bent down under the lowest branch. "Off you go - from Susie's hands onto my back."

"Eyes up, Susie - eyes down, Ernie," I cried as I began my ascent.

"No chance, monkey," Susie shouted. "All has been revealed - he's goggle-eyed."

"This isn't my normal choice of underwear," I yelled back. "We came out in a hurry this morning."

"No need to apologise, Denise," Ernie laughed. "You're a sight for sore eyes."

Luckily the tree formed a natural ladder and I was soon out of ogling range.

"Hell, Denise, I think you really might be a lumberjack."

I moved quickly through the branches and soon reached the ideal spot.

"It's exhilarating up here with the wind in your hair. I think I may have a flair for this sort of thing."

"Don't get careless, Denise - let Jeffrey take charge."

I looped the line over and was ready to descend. "All done," I called out breezily.

I made it safely back to the lowest branch and dropped to the ground.

"You reminded me of myself in my best days. I was up and down drainpipes like nobody's business."

"I won't be doing any of that, thank you very much. Here, it's in your hands now." I passed Ernie my end of the line and rejoined Susie.

"You were a magnificent sight up there, Denise. I only wish you'd had a flag to wave."

"I'm baffled as to how I can do such things, Susie."

"Yours not to reason why, Jeffrey."

"I'm sure you have an explanation, but don't enlighten me," I smiled.

We linked arms and watched as Ernie worked out the line along the branch.

"There's not much left over; we won't be that far away when he lets it go."

"Oh yes we will, Susie, we're retiring to a safe distance long before that."

"So am I - just you wait and see," Ernie chuckled as he began tying the dynamite and nitro together.

"You've worked out exactly how much you need, have you?"

"I don't want to risk it coming back down in the same place. I'm using all these five pound sticks. What do you think - will that be enough?"

"How should I know?"

"It's science, isn't it?"

"He's got you there, Jeffrey."

"What science tells me, Susie, is to move a long, long way back - up wind - and before Ernie starts hauling on this little lot."

"I'll be joining you." Ernie took out a wooden peg and thrust it into the ground. "I'll wrap the line round that and then use this." He held up a candle. "Ingenious, eh," he beamed.

"We've seen enough, Susie - let's go." I pulled her along by the arm.

"Do we have to run, Jeffrey?"

"You'll thank me for this if there's a premature explosion. Don't look back - keep going."

I urged Susie on until we reached the far edge of the field.

"We'll be safe enough here, Jeffrey."

"No, over the fence and into the wood. I want to have something substantial to hide behind."

We leant back against a tree and watched as Ernie hared towards us.

"You can't fault him up to now, Jeffrey; it's all gone off like clockwork. He's got it in position and he's still alive and kicking. Perhaps he does know what he's doing."

"We'll soon find out. Hold on, Susie - there it goes."

We grasped each other around the waist and braced ourselves as the bundle of explosives gathered speed on its way down.

"Pity we haven't a camera, Jeffrey."

"I think the less we put on record, the better, Susie."

The dynamite plunged into the sceptic tank - and we waited - and waited.

"Not even a poop, Jeffrey."

"It's swallowed the whole lot without so much as a burp, Susie."

"You can save your breath," she called out to Ernie who was still sprinting towards us. "There's been a misfire."

He stopped and looked round. "Bugger, bugger, and double bugger. This will do my reputation no good at all."

We went up to the fence to meet him. "Are you sure that was really nitro-glycerine?"

"There'll be trouble if it wasn't; I paid good money for it."

"Olive oil and Plasticine, that's what Jeffrey said."

"It can't have been - it came from an impeccable source."

"Well, it's vanished into the murky depths, so we'll never know."

"Yes, we will. I want that stuff back. The rope's still hanging there; I can pull it up."

"Is that safe, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie, but I suppose it's the public-spirited thing to do - you can't leave sticks of suspected dynamite lying around."

Ernie started back towards the tank. Susie made to follow him, but I held her by the arm.

"Let's sit here on the fence for a while; this could be a messy business. We don't want to be pressed into lending a hand."

"I bet he gets the stuff all over him. We're going to have another smelly ride."

Ernie was halfway across the field before he realised we weren't tagging along behind. "Aren't you two coming?" he shouted.

"I'd rather not get involved in any dirty work. Mum will be upset if I go home covered in pig muck. She's had quite enough shocks this last week."

"Okay, you can help by fetching the hand-grenade."

"Hand-grenade - what hand-grenade?"

"The one in the van; it's my emergency backup in case ..."

BBBBUUUUUUUUHHHHHMMMM.

Ernie was cut short by the low rumble. He stopped in his tracks and froze.

"There she blows, Jeffrey."

The fence trembled and a vast load of effluent shot up out of the ground.

"Hold on, Susie - this time the Earth really is moving."

A dull boom rolled across the field and we all watched fascinated as an immense brown column climbed into the sky.

"How did that happen, Jeffrey?"

"Who knows? Perhaps the heat down below set it off."

Three hundred feet up, a huge mushroom cloud was illuminated by the sun.

"That's quite a sight, Susie. It's ... it's iridescent."

"Even though I know what it is, I'm marvelling at its beauty. You wouldn't think shit could show off all the colours of the rainbow."

"Distance lends enchantment, Susie."

"Shame about the sour smell, though."

"It's fermenting pig muck. The more you stir it, the worse it stinks."

The shaft of sunlight disappeared and the cloud took on an ominous thundery appearance.

"Someone's in for a nasty surprise, Jeffrey."

"I think we should retreat into the woods, Susie."

"A hard rain's a gonna fall, Jeffrey. You may have been a little hasty in throwing away your umbrella."

"We'll be okay, Susie, the worst that can happen is we come out of this smelling of Obsession. I'm afraid Ernie may not be so lucky."

He'd ceased marvelling at his handiwork and was dashing for the safety of the van.

"The gravity of the situation has dawned on him, Jeffrey. That's a fair turn of speed."

The wind had taken the cloud and the monster swooped across the field in pursuit of its creator.

"He's running the wrong way, Susie."

"Should we give him a shout?"

"It's too late now."

Ernie was doing his utmost, but heavy boots and the rain soaked field were conspiring against him.

"He's thrown away his hat and he's put on a spurt. Go on, Ernie - you can do it."

"No, he can't, Susie."

A trailing part of the cloud detached itself and came plunging down.

"I'm afraid you're right, Jeffrey, that piece of shit has Ernie's name on it."

"In letters of gold, Susie."

We gaped as the mini-cloud engulfed him. He stumbled, fell and struggled back to his feet.

"He's a game bugger, Jeffrey."

"Never knows when he's beaten, Susie."

Ernie staggered on, a steaming, chocolate coloured, dripping mess. He turned and shook his fist at his nemesis and received a face full of shite. He went down again.

"I'm fighting to stifle an inappropriate laugh, Jeffrey."

"So am I, Susie."

Ernie was writhing on the ground when what must have been part of the tree hit him on the bottom.

"Ooh, I could hear the thwack from here. That was no love tap."

"A bruise upon a bruise, Susie."

"He's going to have an arse like a baboon, Jeffrey."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he's walking like one as well."

Ernie rose again, covered in goo.

"Hell, Jeffrey - it's Swamp Thing. I bet he wishes he'd kept his hat on; he'll have a hell of a job getting that out of his hair."

Ernie walked back, picked up his coonskin by the tail and waved it wildly at us. "Job's a good un," he cried triumphantly. "Look at it go."

"I'd make yourself scarce before that lot lands," I shouted back.

The main flight swept on towards the new estate.

"What with it being a Monday and the rain having stopped, I bet a lot of people have just put out their washing, Jeffrey."

"Let's hope they blame the seagulls."

"If they don't, there'll be ructions over this."

"I think the wisest course would be to continue our journey on foot, Susie."

"I won't argue; I don't fancy sharing the front seat with Ernie."

"I'd have liked to thank him properly, but it can wait until next time."

"I think we should be careful there, Jeffrey, he's a bit of a hothead. We could land ourselves in trouble if we get caught up in any of his future ventures."

"Really, Susie."

"Not that I'm prejudiced, Jeffrey, but he's got a shock of ginger hair. It's a sort of a warning sign - if you know what I mean."

"You're not a natural redhead, are you, Susie - it's not a case of once more into the bleach, is it?"

"That'd be telling, Jeffrey. You shouldn't ask a girl a question like that."

I smiled and linked arms with her as we walked into the now sunlit wood.

"Turned out nice again, Susie."

"This may be our lucky day, Jeffrey. We didn't get covered in a shower of shit."

"You're right, Susie and I'm still on course to arrive home in the same clothes I went out in."

"The gods are smiling on us, Jeffrey. It'll be plain sailing from here on - I can feel it in my bones."

 

Chapter 40

"Someone's following us, Susie; they're hopping from tree to tree."

"I know, Jeffrey - should we start whistling?"

"You mean like for a policeman."

"No, just insouciant, we're not scared of you whistling."

"I can't whistle - I can only yodel."

"Better not do that. You might send out the wrong message - he could be a lonely goatherd."

"Whoever it is, they're up to no good - stalking us like this. What do you want to do?"

"Just for once, let's try and think of something that doesn't involve strenuous exercise on our part."

"We should find out what we're up against. Use your mirror and see if you can catch a glimpse of him in the open."

"You should definitely get yourself a handbag, Denise."

"What I need, Susie, is a utility belt."

"I'm sure Batgirl manages with a dinky little purse. Or is it a shoulder-bag - which do you think is more chic, Jeffrey?"

"Not now, Susie - this is no time for rehearsing me in girly-talk."

"You're right there, Denise; I just caught a flash of him out in the open. He's dancing barefoot and everything else after us."

"I don't suppose you're carrying a box of drawing pins we can scatter in his path."

"I've a packet of blu-tack - is that any good?"

"Not really - let's hope he's a harmless sun-worshipper left over from the Nudefest."

"It's pretty gloomy in here; he's more likely to be the wild man of the woods." Susie took another look in her mirror. "He's a hairy monster, Jeffrey - maybe it's a werewolf."

"Oh shut up, Susie and head for that break in the trees over there; he won't want to chase us across an open field."

"Don't bank on it, Denise, he may be something of an exhibitionist - like you."

"Save your breath for some more cross-country."

I urged her along with a hand on the bottom.

"Keep it there - I like that, but I wish your answer to everything wasn't run, run, run."

"Stop complaining, we're nearly there."

"He hasn't followed us," Susie gasped as we emerged into the sunlight and onto an immaculate lawn.

"We're safe -we've landed in someone's back garden."

"It's an enormous one if it is, Jeffrey."

"It goes with the house - look over there."

"A stately home: this is more like it, we're moving up in the world."

"It's only a hall, Susie."

"Don't be pedantic, Jeffrey, we're among the landed gentry. We can brush up on our etiquette. It won't do an aspiring model any harm to learn how to rub along in high society."

"Will you shut up about that, Susie, I wasn't myself when I said it."

"You were Denise - like now."

"I was ... I was possessed - that's it, but I'm thinking clearly now," I stressed. "My number one priority is to get safely home without any more confrontations of any kind."

"You shouldn't be such a shrinking violet, Jeffrey."

"That's rapidly becoming my natural state with all the traumas I've been through recently."

"Well then, you should be grateful I'm ready to lend a hand to help you blossom out. Watch which spoon I use and stick your little finger out when you drink your tea."

"I don't want to play my fair lady," I sulked. "And even if I did, these folk might not be as friendly to strangers as you imagine."

"This is the local nobility, Denise, they'll jump at the chance to display their chivalry and help a couple of maidens in distress."

"The more people have, the keener they are on keeping it to themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if they set the dogs on us - it'd be par for the course. Haven't we been chased enough today?"

Susie hesitated. "Okay, just to please you, we'll see if we can get round the front and out onto the road without disturbing anyone."

We dashed across the lawn, hurdling a few croquet hoops on the way, until we reached a pair of double gates.

I pulled on them in vain. "They're locked, Susie - it'll have to be up and over."

"Denise has done quite enough climbing for today, I don't want her developing unsightly muscles."

"There doesn't seem much chance of that, mine are determined to hide away under a layer of fat."

"And that's how I want it to stay - we'll go up to the house and get them to let us through. All that talk about dogs was a lot of nonsense."

"I'm not bothered - I can run faster than you."

"It's an empty threat, Jeffrey - I know you'd never leave me in the lurch."

"I'm a fool to myself," I moped as I trudged after her.

"Cheer up, it'll be a good excuse to see how the other half live."

"Well, you can do all the explaining - it's your turn - and don't ask for the guided tour."

"We won't refuse if they offer. Now, let's compose ourselves - we don't want to alarm them, turning up wild-eyed and breathless at their door."

"Speak for yourself, Susie."

"Don't argue, Denise." She adjusted my skirt and fiddled with my hair. "We'll be meeting croquet-playing aristocracy. None of your cheeky stuff - best garden party manners."

"I don't know what those are, Susie; I'll have to follow your lead."

"Just play the sweet young ingenue."

"I really need my plaits for that."

"Denise doesn't need any help - she's a consummate actress. You can't fool me, Jeffrey."

"I never even try," I pouted. "Come on, I'll do my best, but for this sort of missing about, I really should be properly dressed."

"A girly frock with petticoats and everything, is that what you have in mind?"

"If it was just in my bedroom, I suppose I could play at being your little sister."

"Well, don't moan at the price - those sort of elaborate outfits don't come cheap."

"I'm not that keen; I'd rather save my money for something else. Your old prom stuff will suit me fine."

"Too late now, Jeffrey, you've uttered the fateful words."

"Bah, Susie."

"Give over, you know what came out of the bushes the last time we did that."

We arrived at the backdoor and were greeted by a gargoyle's head knocker.

"After you, Susie, I don't like the way its tongue's hanging out - it looks suggestive."

"It's historical, Jeffrey; churches are covered in them - it means nothing. Here, let me give it a good biff."

The door opened as she raised her hand. A man with more than a passing resemblance to his knocker faced us.

"It's the two little babes from my wood," he smirked. "I watched your progress all the way across the lawn. Come into my parlour, girls."

He stood back and Susie pulled me after her into the kitchen.

"Sorry to bother you," she apologised. "We were lost and a naked man chased us through the woods. Can you help us get back on the road again?"

"You've had an encounter with Zebedee," he laughed. "He's one of our local back to nature enthusiasts - nothing more."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that - he gave us a nasty fright."

"I assure you he's harmless. I let him roam over the estate and in exchange, he supplies me with some of the fruits of the countryside. He's just delivered his latest offerings."

He smiled and after a slight pause stood aside to reveal a basketful of assorted mushrooms on the table.

"I wouldn't feel safe eating those," Susie shuddered. "You hear of all sorts of mix-ups. How about you, Denise?"

"No thanks, Susie. They give me the willies just looking at them."

"Well, Susie and Denise, perhaps I can offer you something more refreshing -would you like a glass of wine?"

"No thanks, we're strict Seventh Day Adventists," I spluttered. "And Band of Hope," I hastily added, just in case Susie got it into her head to show off how sophisticated she was. "We've all our badges, haven't we, Susie?"

"Lips that touch liquor shall never touch mine, Denise."

"You aren't Sanitarians as well, are you?"

"Maybe you were right about these pants, Denise, if they make me look like a lavatory attendant."

"I meant are you a naturist," our host grinned. "Sanitarians are what I called them to bamboozle the locals. They thought it was a plumber's convention until it was too late," he laughed.

"You must be the Lord of the Manor," Susie smiled. "The woman in the tea shop said you were a ... a wag."

"I doubt she was as kind as that; we've had our differences over what's best for the village, but I can't turn down any opportunity for some extra income. She doesn't realise what it costs to keep a place like this going and indulge in my little hobbies."

I didn't want to find out if girls like us were one of his little hobbies, and I grasped Susie by the arm.

"We've kept the gentleman long enough; we should be on our way home."

"So soon - I was hoping you'd stay longer. It's been some time since I entertained such delightful young girls - forgive me if I'm boring you."

I felt a little shiver as I looked up and caught his eye. "We're late already - can we go out through your front door, please, sir?"

"Certainly, my dear, if that's what you want, I'm honoured to assist two such lovely ladies - follow me."

He led us out of the kitchen and into the main hall. I avoided a suit of armour and then jumped as I nearly ran into two skeletons.

"Ugh!"

"Don't be alarmed, they're just exhibits for the visitors. I scare them with my story of hpow I found them bricked up in the cellar," he sniggered.

Susie shook hands with one of the skeletons and moved its jaw up and down. "I told you I was ill, squire - gottle of geer, gottle of geer."

"Don't be rude, Susie."

"It's perfectly all right, my dear. I only wish more people around here would call me squire. They should be proud to uphold the old customs. I am a direct descendant of Geoffrey the Crossbowman."

"There you are, Denise, I told you it wouldn't be a waste of time learning to curtsey."

"We're never going to meet royalty, Susie and I'd be too embarrassed if we did."

"I think you've disappointed the squire - he's been paying close attention to your nether regions."

"You'll have to pardon me, my dear - it's not your legs I'm staring at, although they are worthy of admiration in their own right. I'm trying to identify those wonderful butterflies. Are you interested in Lepidoptera?"

"Definitely not. These were all they had in the village shop. Butterflies aren't so bad, but moths, ugh, they give me the creeps."

"No, no, they're beautiful creatures," he insisted. "Collecting them is one of my little indulgences. Would you like to see the results of my efforts over the years?"

"Oh, no thanks, I'd better not; I think I may have a phobia. I don't want to put you out by having an attack of the heebie-jeebies."

"Let me worry about that. I feel it's my duty to share my passion with young people. The more converts I can make to our cause, the better."

"You've already convinced me. I promise I won't be swatting at anything that flies in the future."

"I should hope not, that would be sacrilege indeed. Come with me - there's nothing to be scared of. I exhibit them like the beautiful works of art they are."

"Does that mean they're dead, then?" Susie asked.

"Preserved, my dear - I kill and mount them myself; it makes for a more satisfying experience. This way." He deftly manoeuvred us to the foot of the stairs.

Susie took a step upwards. "It'll be interesting to see what you've done with them; I'm studying biology for A-level."

"That's gratifying to hear; you must help me communicate the wonders of nature to your young friend."

"Denise hasn't much time for my ologies. You wouldn't think it to look at her, but she has one of those male mathematical brains."

"I've a female fear of creepy-crawlies, Susie - don't go up there."

"That's sissy talk, modern girls aren't daunted by a few extra appendages."

She reached the landing and called down. "Come and look at this, Denise - it's okay, it hasn't got six legs."

A push on the bottom and the threat of another one sent me scampering up the stairs to Susie.

She was peering into a glass tank containing a toad. "Who does that remind you of, Denise?"

"Too many people, Susie - come away."

"He's almost human, isn't he?" The squire chuckled and leant over my shoulder. "Excuse me, I mustn't disappoint Tommy; I never pass by without giving him a treat."

He picked up a bottle from under the table and swiftly shook a fly into the tank. The toad flicked out its tongue, rolled its eyes and gulped it down.

"Times fun when you're having flies, eh, Denise," Susie smirked.

"Not at the moment," I sighed. "Thanks to your wily manipulation, I'm flyless in Prada."

"And you were never better suited," she grinned and gave me a kiss full on the lips.

"That's most engaging, girls. I'm still digesting my lunch or I'd show you my party trick." He paused and gave us his best reptilian smile. "I swallow Tommy. It caused quite a stir with the ladies of the W.I."

"I bet it did," Susie exclaimed. "Are you like one of those religious fanatics, who demonstrate the power of prayer by handling poisonous snakes?"

"In a modest way, but I like to think of it more as keeping alive an old tradition. It's something I'd like to pass on. It's a skill that can have some useful spin-offs and we'd have fun with the training," he promised.

"It can't be much fun for the toad. You'll be in trouble if the animal rights people get to hear about it. The woman in their shop nearly had me for joking about swinging a cat."

"I bring it up again unharmed - there's no cruelty involved."

"Having a dip in stomach acid can't be much fun."

"I drink a big glass of Milk of Magnesia before I start and Tommy's up and down like a jack-in-the-box - no harm done."

"That's my gran's favourite remedy, she believes it cools the blood - amongst other things. You're better off with All-Bran every morning, if you ask me."

He laughed and urged me on down the passage. "You've come this far, you may as well have a tiny peek."

I stumbled forward, wishing I'd kept my mouth shut and not given him the chance to jolly me along.

"This is far enough - let me stay here," I pleaded. "I think a moth must have flown in my cot when I was a baby. I come out in a cold sweat. They get my adrenaline pumping and my heart pounding."

"There's no need to be scared; there are none flying around. I assure you they're all safely locked away."

I held my ground at the doorway as Susie came up beside me.

"This will be good for you, Denise; it'll desensitise you."

"I wish you'd spare me your psycho-babble. No good has come from it yet - or ever will."

Susie took my arm and steered me into the room.

"Come on, Denise, we laugh at danger."

"You may, Susie. What I say is he who knows no fear shouldn't go in the woods."

 

Chapter 41

"Open your eyes, Denise, this is your kind of place. It's just like a museum in here," Susie marvelled.

I squinted at the glass-fronted cabinets full of butterflies and moths. "More like the old biology lab at school," I mumbled. "I was happy when I didn't have to go in there anymore."

Susie peered into one of the cases. "It must be a tedious job mounting them all and whatever else you do."

"The end result is worth it, though. Owning all these specimens gives me great pleasure."

"You've got the collecting bug, haven't you, Denise?"

"I'm happy with my stamp album, thank you - much less trouble."

"Those hinges are fiddly things. Sticking pins in must be a lot less trouble. I wonder how much they squirm when you do it."

"Oh shut up, Susie."

"She's teasing you; my victims don't suffer. I chloroform them first. I wouldn't want the RSPCA after me - that would never do."

"You've got so many, though," Susie challenged. "Surely, this sort of thing is frowned on, like collecting birds' eggs."

"I'm also a conservationist. I've turned the grounds into a lepidopteran's paradise with my plantings." He gestured at his vast array of specimens. "This is their way of repaying me in the only way they can."

He moved on to the next case; I held Susie back and whispered. "Let's go - his hospitality comes at too high a price."

"Look here." He turned and beckoned to Susie. "These are my favourites - death's-head moths." He reached up and took a hatbox down from the shelf above. "Have you ever seen a living one in the wild?"

"No." Susie took a step forwards and I took a step backwards.

"Not many people have - they're elusive creatures. I go to a lot of trouble seeking them out. I have a special relationship with the lovely things. Tommy likes them too; he's always appreciative of a little extra luxury."

"That's a waste, isn't it?"

"Even pretty creatures don't live forever, my dear, I'm just recycling."

"It's generous of you to share them with him."

"I've more than enough. I get the chrysalides from the potato fields and rear them myself. It's another way I contribute to their welfare. What's more, it'll enable you to enjoy a unique experience."

In one quick motion, he raised the box above Susie's head, removed the lid and emptied the contents over her.

"Aaaaaaarrrrrgh," we both screamed as a shower of living, shivering, fluttering moths enveloped Susie.

"Aaaaawww, what's happening," Susie cried out in panic.

In a moment, she was bathed in them, from her head right down to her feet. They didn't attempt to fly, but ran all over her, quivering and shaking their wings.

"Aaaaargh, Susie!"

"Aaaaargh, Jeffrey! Do something - they're smothering me." Susie flailed her arms and dashed towards me.

"Don't hurt them - they mean no harm; they're only doing their mating dance for you."

I picked up a bottle of Windolene spray from one of the cases and rushed to meet Susie. "Keep your mouth closed and shut your eyes."

I thrust out my arm and began dousing the moths with the stuff. At first, it had no effect and only increased their squeaking. Then, to my relief, they began to drop off Susie.

"Is that fly killer I'm breathing in?"

"Don't worry it's only Windolene, but it's well and truly polishing them off."

More and more moths fluttered down into a heap on the floor and I kept on spraying until the bottle was empty.

"Thank God," Susie cried as she thrashed out and helped them on their way. "Are there any more on my back?"

I closed my eyes and manfully beat off the last few stragglers.

"Careful, with your feet - they're no good to me squashed." The squire went down on his hands and knees scooping the fallen moths back into the box.

"All gone, Susie," I sighed in relief as I squinted at her jacket and brushed off the last one.

"I'm all of a tremble," she gasped and slumped against the wall.

"You shouldn't have done that," I glared across to where our host was sweeping up the remaining moths.

"I'm sorry. I get carried away with my enthusiasm to show off my prizes. It's been some time since I was able to witness such an exhilarating display."

As he replaced the lid on the box and stood up, I thought it might be diplomatic to show some sympathy over his loss.

"They're probably just stunned - that stuff's only polish. I think they make rabbits drink it, to check it's safe."

"Tommy can have the damaged ones; the others will still make fine specimens. They've just fulfilled their destiny a shade early."

"You were going to kill all those as well," Susie exclaimed. "If I'd known I wouldn't have been so gentle with the bloody things."

"You would have bitten off a few of their heads, eh, Susie."

"Very probably, Denise - I was surprised by the sheer numbers, that's all - but thanks for stepping forward. I hope this won't give you nightmares."

"I may have exaggerated my fears slightly," I smiled. "One of my failings is a tendency to romanticize."

"I wouldn't have you any other way, Denise." Susie leant over and kissed me on the cheek.

"That Windolene smells better on you than Obsession, Susie."

"But not as good as WD-40."

"Or a bike shop."

"Sorry, squire," Susie grinned, "we always do this when we've had a funny turn - you must think we're barmy."

"Let's say slightly out of the ordinary."

"You should know," Susie replied, "living here in a motheleum."

"Their life is so ephemeral - what could be more natural than wanting to preserve their beauty. This is my way of making them immortal."

"It seems macabre to me, racking up all these dead bodies. What do you say, Denise?"

"Swaps are always useful, Susie."

"You've got me all wrong - I'm a sensitive soul. Sometimes just looking at beautiful young things evokes in me a feeling of poetic sadness."

"It's depressing stuff poetry. Get yourself a few Mills and Boon - they'll cheer you up. Isn't that right, Denise?"

"I've no idea. They're too grown-up for me. I'm sticking to P.G. Wodehouse for light relief."

"That's queer reading for a young girl."

"My granddad read them to me as bedtime stories - he's slightly eccentric."

"He makes her eat tripe as well. I've told her she should stand up for herself more."

"You have to humour some people some of the time, Susie."

"You should let him know you're becoming a young woman; he still treats you like a tomboy, Denise."

"And Jeffrey is his pet name for her - that's who you were calling out for. I feared for a moment, in your frantic state, you'd seen Geoffrey the Crossbowman. His appearance portends a death in the family."

"No, Jeffrey's Susie's boyfriend," I quickly replied. "He's always the first one she turns to in times of trouble."

"And where is he today?"

"He's at school, but he's with me in spirit." Susie gave a long sigh. "I'm desperate to see him again; we've been parted for over a month. Denise and I have been in quarantine; we're getting over the mumps."

"A month in quarantine - that sounds an extreme precaution."

"They were extreme mumps - German mumps, in fact. We picked them up through drinking goat's milk on an exchange visit to Dusseldorf. Isn't that right, Denise?"

"I blame those sausages, Susie. Nasty greasy little things - I never wanted one in the first place."

"When in Rome, Denise."

"But it was Dusseldorf, Susie."

"That's why it was bratwurst and not spaghetti."

"They have tins of sausages in spaghetti in Aldi - they're canned in Spain. I always look - you'd be surprised where some of their stuff comes from. You can't be too careful - you could get a real surprise package."

"You shouldn't be so faddy. At least, they're up front about it on the label - they aren't hiding anything."

"It's the same in Asda: they've fish from China and chickens from Thailand. They fly the stuff halfway around the world and still make a profit. Who knows what they're feeding them on?"

Susie hugged me and kissed my hair. "Oh, shut up, Denise or he really will think we're mad."

"Not for a moment," he laughed. "But isn't Jeffrey jealous of you and Denise. I can't help noticing you're rather affectionate towards one another."

"I hope this doesn't shock you, but we're what the French call a menage-a-trois. It's share and share alike with us, isn't it Denise?"

"I prefer to think of it as keeping it in the family, Susie."

"All I can say is Jeffrey's a very lucky boy to have such generous girlfriends."

"We aren't that generous," I quickly assured him. "There's no Percy Filth - or anything close - we're good girls."

"Shush, Denise, there's no need to make excuses. I sense the squire has an open mind about such things."

"I'm more of a traditionalist. Being a leader in a community like this, one's expected to take part in the old rituals."

"Like shin kicking - I've had a go at that."

"Something more spiritual; tonight's the harvest full moon and we have our own special ceremony. You might like to join us; we're always in need of fresh young blood to renew our circle."

"No thanks, our wing of the Seventh Day Adventists is very exclusive - we keep ourselves to ourselves. We're the chosen few."

"You certainly are," he smiled. "But I embrace all creeds. One day I hope we'll all reunite with the old religion."

"You mean the Catholics."

"No, much older than that, my child. Come through here and let me show you another of my collections."

He led the way into an adjoining room and Susie followed.

"Will you never learn?" I whispered. "Curiosity killed the cat."

"Stick close to me, tiger and we'll be okay."

"Is there any danger of something running up my leg, Susie? I asked as she entered the room."

"Only my hand, Denise - apart from that you'll be quite safe. There's nothing in here, but a load of old tat."

"I'll excuse the ignorance of one so young," our guide gibed. "At first sight, some of them may seem slightly the worse for wear, but that's only to be expected when they date back thousands of years. Owning them is a great privilege and a great responsibility."

"They're old enough and ugly enough to take care of themselves."

"You need to take a closer look - these are ancient religious relics."

Susie went over and inspected the nearest figurines. "They seem crude efforts to me - not to mention lewd in the extreme. Avert your eyes, Denise, this is the sort of thing that sends you giddy."

"They're works of primitive art, dear - what do they teach you in schools nowadays? You're sorely in need of further education on the aesthetic aspects of life."

"Novelty shops on the Golden mile are full of this sort of stuff," Susie scoffed. "I wouldn't be surprised if 'Made in Hong Kong' is stamped on them somewhere."

"You shouldn't joke about a man's passions," he warned. "I can assure you every one is totally authentic. I'm well versed in spotting fakes."

Susie moved on down the row of statuettes. "This lot has both sets of equipment, Denise. That must have made things awkward."

"I don't know about awkward, Susie - confusing is how I'd put it." I turned to the squire. "This isn't the sort of thing you should be showing to innocent young girls - it could be misconstrued."

"You should forget your prejudices and rejoice in the beauty of sacred artefacts." He picked one up and caressed it lovingly. "Male and female - he made them one," he smiled. "Don't they give you a feeling of inspiration?"

"We don't hold with graven images. We've got Laurel and Hardy on our mantelpiece, haven't we, Susie?"

"We certainly have, Denise and ducks on the wall. I wouldn't give these things the time of day," Susie sniffed. "They look all out of proportion to me. I wonder where they got the idea from."

"From Mother Nature of course. Someone endowed like this would have been revered by ancient peoples - what better symbol of fertility could they have."

"My gran's never had any complaints about her corn-dollies and they've no extra bits."

"That's how it should be, Denise - some things are best left to the imagination."

"You're wrong there," he grinned, "but we'll have to delay that discussion until later. Here, put this back."

He passed the figure to Susie and looked at his watch. "You'll have to excuse me for a moment, I've an important phone call to make."

"We've seen enough; we'll come with ..."

"I'm not ready for you yet. Wait here."

He abruptly thrust me aside, turned and fled for the door.

"Aw!" I staggered back and bumped into Susie. She dropped the statue and caught me.

"Hey, he can't push us around like that. Let me at the bugger."

"Come on, before we're trapped." I cried and rushed after him.

"What do you mean, trapped?"

"That," I yelled as the door slammed in our faces. "Quick, Susie, before he locks it."

We pushed down on the handle together, but before it reached the bottom, there was a loud click.

"We've had it, Susie - he's got us."

"I certainly have," he gloated from the other side of the door. "Just be patient while I make sure we have the rest of the day to ourselves - I'll be back," he cackled.

"Who says that, Jeffrey?"

"The Terminator, Susie."

 

Chapter 42

"What's his game, Jeffrey?"

"Something more adult than hide-and-seek; I expect it will involve us taking off our clothes, for starters."

"Don't be silly, he couldn't get away with anything like that. We've never given him any encouragement - our behaviour has been impeccable. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on."

"Don't be so sure. You and your menage a trois - in his circle, it's probably an open invitation to have a bonk."

"We'll soon set him straight when he comes back. There's been a slight misunderstanding, that's all."

"What if he knows about me? I could be the main attraction. Did you see the way he fondled that statue?"

"It was just a coincidence."

"I did come running when you called out for Jeffrey."

"You're definitely Denise - though you did sail pretty close to the wind back there."

"What do you mean? It wasn't me who ..."

"Never mind that now, you'll be okay until we have to dance naked around his maypole."

"Not in September, surely, Susie."

"If what you say is true, he'll have us prancing around like X-rated Pan's People."

"I saw them on Top of the Pops Two. They did a routine in see-through plastic macs, twirling their umbrellas - or maybe that was Legs and Co. Which was it, Susie?"

"Does it really matter, Jeffrey?"

"Not now I've met you, Susie. But at the time, it fitted in nicely with my weather girl fantasies. I don't suppose you've got a pac-a-mac."

"There, you're doing it again."

"Doing what again?"

"Letting Jeffrey poke his head out when you're Denise."

"I never have," I spluttered. "I'm extremely careful."

"I don't mean that. It's just Denise can suddenly start behaving like she's my boyfriend."

"Well, I am."

"I know, Jeffrey, and I enjoy the swinging back and forth, but sometimes people must wonder what's going on between us."

"I thought we were lesbians, Susie."

"We are, but we may not be getting it exactly right."

"I think we're making a pretty good job of it."

"Most of the time, but going on about sausages and flyless in Prada could have set him thinking."

"I can't help myself. Anyway, you're just as bad; you have a certain teasing tendency, Susie."

"I hold my hand up. We'll have to be more careful what we say in future, especially with folk like our friend, who may have more than a passing interest in those sort of things."

"I don't think there's much hope of that," I sighed. "Once we start each other off ..."

"You're right, Jeffrey. Perhaps it would be better if you were always to display a modest amount of cleavage. If folk see Pinky and Perky bobbing about, there's no way they'll suspect you're a boy. They'll think we're indulging in some silly private joke."

"I don't know. I do feel more Denisey with them on view. I like looking at them and I like you looking at them, but I'm not sure about other people. I don't want to appear cheap."

"You won't ... "

Susie was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"You'll be pleased to know I've cancelled my appointment for tonight and I can give you my undivided attention."

"Shush, Susie," I whispered. "Say nothing - he won't expect that. Let's keep him guessing."

"I've had to forego the pleasure of the local yokels sacrificing a goat for me and tugging their forelocks, but the fun I'll have with you two will more than make up for it."

"What have I been telling you all along," Susie hissed in my ear, "he wants to have his way with us - the randy sod."

"You should be grateful I'm a jealous god and don't like sharing."

"Get ready in case he pokes his head in," I whispered.

We waited and after a few moments, he knocked again. "You may be cleverer than I thought," he laughed, "but it won't do you any good, I'm not going to open the door. I hope you don't mind waiting, my little chickens, I have to arrange things so you won't give me any trouble when I do come for you."

Susie took out her perfume. "You never know," she whispered and squirted it through the keyhole.

We heard him fall away from the door. "Good try," he snorted, "but I won't be dashing in after you. I'll forgive you now and punish you later. Bye, girls - warm each other up for my return."

"I knew the bastard was a letch from the moment he thrust those mushrooms under our noses. His playing croquet didn't fool me for a minute, Jeffrey - the man's a cad."

"A cad, Susie - what are you talking about? It won't be 'Anyone for tennis' when he comes back. He's a psycho."

"He's a psycho-cad - not a gentleman-psycho like Anthony Hopkins."

"I wish you hadn't mentioned that. It makes his reference to fresh young blood seem all the more sinister."

"You telling him we were virgins might not have been the wisest course."

"I didn't actually say the v-word. I couldn't have him thinking Susie and Denise were girls of easy virtue."

"If he finds out about you, Jeffrey, he might want you for some kind of ritual sacrifice."

"Thanks for those comforting words, Susie."

"Cheer up, Jeffrey - at least he didn't call you a Thailand chicken."

"You can joke, but you're in trouble as well - remember those skeletons."

"What about them - they were just plastic models, weren't they?"

"It seems more likely they were real and not very old."

"Stop it, Jeffrey, you're giving me the creeps - I shook hands with one of them."

"I looked on the back of the skulls - it didn't say 'Made in China' or anything."

"They weren't very big either."

"They were young females, Susie. How better to hide a body than in plain sight and show it off to everybody. I expect he gets some sort of perverse kick from it."

"Oh dear - I hope you don't blame me for all this, Jeffrey."

"I should know by now that you're lacking a certain sense of danger, Susie. It's my own fault for being willing to follow you anywhere."

"And I don't even have to blow in your ear," she laughed weakly.

"You wouldn't think a country house would have bars on the windows."

"Perhaps Ernie has paid it a visit or two," I suggested.

Susie went over to the door and squinted through the empty keyhole. "No luck here, either - I rather fancied the newspaper under the door trick."

"We haven't got a newspaper, Susie."

"That's a double whammy then, Jeffrey. You haven't a screwdriver down your sock, have you?"

"I don't even have a sock."

"We won't be unscrewing the hinges, then."

"There are none to unscrew, Susie."

"Not to worry, Jeffrey," she grinned. "There's always an ingenious way out of a locked room. Let's hear your bright idea. I'm sure you've got one."

I picked up a fearsome looking poker from the fireplace. "We can use this."

"I was expecting more from you than old-fashioned brute force, Jeffrey. We whack him on the head and go down fighting - is that it?"

"No, Susie - we go up excavating. Help me get the drawers out of the tallboy and then we can lift it onto the table. We're going out through the roof."

"I really did expect something more subtle from you, Jeffrey."

"There's nothing wrong with a more direct approach now and again, Susie."

"I'll have no complaints if you get us out of this."

We were soon up on the chest and crouching under the low ceiling.

"I hope this isn't some terrible misunderstanding, Susie - we're about to start demolishing a listed building."

"I'm closing my eyes - thrust away, Jeffrey."

"Here goes."

The poker went in up to the hilt and as I pulled it back, the hooked end brought down a shower of plaster.

"You've got rhythm, Jeffrey - faster, faster," Susie cried as the hole widened.

I paused and looked up. "Help me tear away these laths, Susie."

"There is something satisfying about mindless vandalism," she laughed. "I've always wanted to have a go in one of those cranes with a wrecking ball."

"I can't pretend I'm surprised, Susie."

"Watch out, a big lot's coming down."

She ripped away and another shower of plaster cascaded over us.

"Hold on - you've done more than enough. There's a big gap between the beams - let's be getting out of here."

We reached down for two of the drawers we'd put on the table and placed them across each other on top of the tallboy.

"Into the unknown, Jeffrey."

"After you, Susie."

She climbed on the drawers, eased the top half of her body through the hole and clambered out of sight. I followed, after passing up her bag and the poker.

"With luck, we won't need that, Jeffrey - there's a skylight."

"I hope there are no bats up here, Susie, I've used all of my phobia allowance for today."

She swiftly glanced around. "It's okay, there's nothing ... Aaaaargh, Jeffrey!" Susie threw her arms around me. "Steel yourself."

"What is it - have you seen a big spider? I'm not picking it up - I don't like them either."

"How are you with mummified dead bodies - look over there, Jeffrey."

"Oh God, Susie, pass the smelling salts."

She gave us both a quick spray of Obsession instead.

"Handy stuff this, Jeffrey - it has antiseptic qualities as well, you know."

"Every boy scout should carry some, Susie - and a spare pair of tights."

"Do you think it's his mother, Jeffrey?"

I glanced over at the dried-up body grinning at us from the far wall. "Not unless she went around as mutton dressed as lamb."

"It doesn't look real, Jeffrey, perhaps it's some sort of doll."

"It's hardly the kind of thing you'd put on top of your Christmas tree, Susie. It looks like it was the squire with the chloroform in the Attic. I expect this one will be joining the other two downstairs in due course."

"And we'd have been joining her up here in the meantime," Susie gulped. "We'll have to tell the police, Jeffrey."

"We can worry about that after we get out of here. Come on, let's try the window."

We picked our way across the rafters until we were standing in a shaft of light.

"I just hope it isn't stuck."

I went up the three steps unhooked it and banged the frame with both palms.

"Oh joy," I cried in relief when it flew open and landed flat on the roof. "Let's get out there, Susie."

"Just a minute." She went over to the body and tugged at the head.

"No - don't, Susie."

"I'm just being practical, Jeffrey - if he disposes of the body when he finds out we've escaped, we're going to look right bloody fools. It'll be our word against a respectable country gentleman."

"But, Susie ..."

"It's okay, I've dissected a frog and a sheep's eyeball. We had to get our own from the butcher and keep it in the fridge. This is no worse - it's nicely dried up."

"There's a distinct smell of formaldehyde; I think he may have had a go at preserving her, Susie."

"He doesn't know his stuff, Jeffrey. He hasn't made a very good job of it."

"It must be his first attempt; I hope we make it his last."

"We will," Susie snorted as the head came free. "Got it - he won't be able to explain this away." She dropped it into her bag and closed the zip.

"Oh, what about my shoes, Susie?"

"They won't come to any harm. Get going."

I heaved myself onto the roof, got a firm grip and leant back in.

"Give us the bag, Susie."

She passed it out and hauled herself up to join me on the tiles.

"I hope I've a head for heights, Jeffrey."

"We'll soon find out; hold on and have a look around."

"Made it Ma," Susie cried. "Top of the world." She turned to me and smiled. "You see, Jeffrey, it's not only the Greek classics with which I'm well acquainted. If you ever need to phone a friend, I should be number one on the list."

"You are, Susie."

"We split it fifty-fifty, mind you," she grinned.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Just a minute." Susie clambered up to the chimneystack and bent down the television aerial. "Just another piece of mindless vandalism, Jeffrey, but I feel better for it. Hey, I can see the Isle of Man from here."

"No, you can't - you're looking in completely the wrong direction."

"Well, I can see the sea."

"Don't get so excited: you haven't discovered the Pacific Ocean. We're not high on a peak in Darien."

"What, Jeffrey?"

"Don't look at me in wild surmise, Susie - I'll tell you later."

"Sometimes, Jeffrey, you can be more than a little irritating."

"I know."

"I know you bloody know - so stop it."

"I'll make it up to you by letting you be first on the drainpipe; you can have your head up my skirt all the way down."

Susie looked out over the roof to the ground below. "It's a hell of a drop, Jeffrey," she gulped. "Aren't we safer staying here tossing tiles at his head? Someone's bound to turn up sooner or later."

"They may be friends of his; he might not be in this alone. We don't want to risk being trapped again - let's get away while we can."

"We'll be giving him a chance to catch us, Jeffrey. There's a lot of open country - we might have trouble finding a policeman."

"We won't look too hard; I'd rather they found out through an anonymous phone call. This case will be all over the papers; we should do our best to disappear completely."

"We're going to end up running again, Jeffrey - I just know it."

"That's after the free-climbing, Susie on your way."

"I'll be having blisters on my bum to match those on my feet," she groaned as she slid down between the gables.

"You should try wearing a pair of ankle tights under your socks."

"Is that what you do, Jeffrey?"

"Certainly not." I eased my way down more cautiously and joined her hanging onto the downpipe.

"I'm not dressed for this kind of action, Susie. Skirts, tights and skimpy undies inhibit me; I want to cherish and protect them."

"It sounds like a case of true love to me, Jeffrey."

"You're right, Susie, I think I've developed something of a fetish for women's clothes."

"Well, it couldn't have happened to a nicer person, Denise. I'm telling you that, just in case I end up a crumpled heap."

"Don't worry, Susie, it'll be a piece of cake. There's plenty of ivy on the wall for extra grip; you won't have any trouble. Go on, this is our chance - it's all clear below."

She lowered herself over the edge and onto the drainpipe. "I'd be happier if we were roped together, Jeffrey."

"We are, Susie, there's an invisible silken cord joining us."

I turned around and backed down after her.

"My hands are in the gutter, but I'm gazing at the moon, Jeffrey."

"Well, keep your eyes fixed on my heavenly body and don't look down."

"Monkey see - monkey do. Follow your leader, Jeffrey."

Susie set off shinning down the drainpipe.

"This is easier than I thought, maybe I have a future as a cat-burglar."

"I wouldn't want you to work nights and leave me home alone twiddling my thumbs."

"There's no danger of that; I'm not the kind of girl to let my hero twiddle while Susie roams."

"I'm relieved to hear that."

"I knew you would be, Jeffrey."

"It's just a pity you aren't called Bernie."

Halfway down, I suddenly felt her hand on my bottom.

"Hold hard, Jeffrey."

"Oh, not now, Susie."

"Your foot's on my head."

"Well, you shouldn't have stopped."

"I had to. I'm standing on a joint in the pipe and I can feel it coming away from the wall."

"We can't stay here. This top part's firm, I'll hold on to it and push your section against the wall with my feet."

"That sounds a bit dicey, Jeffrey."

"We'll have to hope for the best - get a move on."

Susie continued down. I got my feet over the joint just as a gap appeared between it and the wall.

"I'm swaying, Jeffrey."

"Hurry up - I don't think this is going to work."

"Be careful, Jeffrey."

I pressed hard against the pipe. It steadied for a moment and then swung out again.

"It's no good, the whole lot's coming adrift - I'll to have to use plan B."

"What's that, Jeffrey?"

"I fall, Susie. Oooooooohhhhh!"

I slid down, grabbed the top of the breakaway section of drainpipe and pole vaulted backwards into the ground.

Thump.

"Oooff!"

Thud.

"Ooooooffff!"

Thump - thump.

 

Chapter 43

"Aaaaaaahhh," I gasped in relief.

Susie was already making her way across to me. "Are you okay, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, it's lucky we came down on a nice springy lawn. I landed on my bottom and bounced a couple of times."

"Me too, that's the plus side of having a girl's bum - it's well padded."

"Cyclist's bottom," I murmured as I got to my feet.

"Whatever - it doesn't matter as long as you're still in one piece."

"Don't mention this to mum, she's still not over the ladder incident. If she finds out about this, I'll be in for a real dressing-down."

"That would never do, Denise. My lips are sealed."

With a sigh, I adjusted my skirt for the umpteenth time. "In future when I go out with you, I'm definitely wearing something more practical."

"How would a Supergirl costume suit you?"

"We could both do with one, Susie. I don't think our afternoon of action is over yet. He'll be hot on our trail when he finds out we've discovered his little secret."

"I suppose that means we start running, Jeffrey."

"What else, Susie - let's be over the fields and far away. I won't feel safe until I'm back home in bed, listening to the shipping forecast."

"You're downright peculiar, Jeffrey."

"I know, Susie," I confessed as we jogged down the drive, "but if it isn't too much trouble would you mind learning the sea areas off by heart."

"What are you on about now, Jeffrey?"

"They're sheer poetry to me - Fastnet, Lundy, Irish Sea ... you could whisper them in my ear in times of stress."

"You deserve something more than that - how about a weekend away in the Lakes."

"That'd be nice, we needn't do anything too strenuous - just nice easy walks."

"I wouldn't mind tackling a little mountain. I really enjoyed the climbing - it was just a pity we fell off. Still, even the falling wasn't bad - until we hit the deck."

"That's generally the way of it, Susie."

"If they're looking to raise money at school, maybe I should suggest a sponsored bungee jump."

"Don't do that: we're keeping our feet firmly on the ground from now on."

We'd barely started down the lane the lane when we heard an engine starting up.

"That's not fair, Jeffrey, he should give us a sporting chance like in 'The Hounds of Zaroff'."

"I prefer a car to dogs, Susie. Come on, let's get off the road. We'll give him a run for his mummy."

We vaulted the fence and headed for the far side of the field.

"We're sitting ducks out here in the open, Jeffrey - what if he's got a gun."

"I prefer you as Pollyanna to Jeremiah, Susie. Don't worry, it'll take more than a backside full of buckshot to down us. My granddad's ..."

"Not now, Jeffrey."

"Sorry, Susie."

We were over half way across the field when a roar from behind made us look round.

"Any ideas about how we're going to outrun a quad bike, Jeffrey?"

"Not at this precise moment, Susie - just keep going. There's a flock of sheep in that next field."

"I don't think a butcher fears sheep, Jeffrey."

"It can't hurt to have them milling around - maybe their dust will choke the wolf."

We reached the dry-stone wall and scrambled over.

"That's another pair of tights you've ruined, Jeffrey."

"It can't be helped; I'm surprised they've lasted this long. I did my best to preserve their integrity."

"You've struggled manfully under very trying conditions, Denise. Don't be put off from wearing them in the future. This isn't your typical day, you know."

"I rather think it is, Susie."

"Well, maybe, but never mind - things are looking up." She pointed across the field. "There's no gate in the far wall - once we're over that, he won't be able to follow us."

"Come on, then - what are we waiting for."

We raced through the flock of sheep scattering them in all directions.

"At last, some animals with enough sense to run away from us," Susie gasped.

"Save your breath - it's going to be a neck and neck race - in more ways than one."

"I can't keep this up much longer, Jeffrey. How about you - do you want to sacrifice my bag?"

"No way: my shoes are in there and our money and our evidence. What are you thinking of, Susie? You must be suffering from a lack of oxygen."

"I feel like I've got the bends, Jeffrey."

"You'll run through it and get your second wind any time now."

Ziiinnnnggggg.

"What was that, Jeffrey? Something just whistled past my ear."

"Watch out, Susie."

One of the sheep directly ahead of us had keeled over. I risked a look back over my shoulder.

"Oh, my God - Geoffrey the Crossbowman's after us. That wasn't a bolt from the blue."

Susie speeded up. "I've got the second wind you were talking about."

We reached the wall and this time leapt over into a lane.

"This way, Susie - head for the wood."

As we dashed along, I spotted something by the roadside that I hoped would come in useful and swooped down on it.

"What was that you picked up, Jeffrey?"

"The inner metal ring off a wheel trim."

"This is no time to be adding to your junk collection," Susie puffed. "He's ditched the bike and he's haring after us. You should be concentrating on how we're going to make a trap out of sharpened bamboo."

I glanced over my shoulder and saw him squatting down. "Watch out he's going to have another shot at us."

"He nearly pierced my ear last time - should we hit the deck?"

"No, it's on the way - break right and let's get among the trees."

Ziiinnnnggggg - the bolt whizzed harmlessly past up the lane.

"He's no William Tell - the first shot must have been a fluke."

"He'll never hit us from that distance as long as we know it's coming."

"Are you sure?"

"I told you, I've a good eye for fast bowling."

Susie gave me an uncertain look. "There's a bit of a difference, Jeffrey."

"Trust me, I'm not one for blowing my own trumpet, you know that."

"I'm sorry, Jeffrey, I should know by now to have full confidence in you, but if we keep stopping and looking round, he'll catch us. What are we going to do?"

"Come on - into the wood while we've got the chance."

We dashed along the leaf-strewn path and risked another glance behind when we reached the shelter of the trees.

"He's ditched his bow and he's running flat out. He's got quite a turn of pace."

"I was hoping we were being chased by a couch potato, Susie."

"Do you think he'll oblige us by having a heart attack - or at least a stitch?"

"No, and he's not going to put his foot in a rabbit hole, either, but I've a plan to scupper him."

"Never doubted it for a moment, Jeffrey - but hurry up, please."

I rested the wire on my forearm as I ran and bent it slightly out of its horizontal plane. "Here you are, Susie - we'll use your luck. Drop it where the path narrows up ahead."

"That's not going to prove much of an obstacle."

"He only needs to come down on one side with his foot. It'll flip up and catch his trailing leg. It's like tripping over your shoelaces, only more so. Believe me, at the speed he's going, he won't even know he's falling. He'll think Mother Earth's come up to kiss him."

We ran through the gap in single file and Susie threw down the wire ring. "Are you speaking from experience, Jeffrey?"

"Bitter experience, Susie - I've the one that got me hanging up in the shed. I brought it home as a souvenir along with assorted cuts and bruises."

"It didn't leave a scar, did it?"

"Only a mental one: I pay close attention to where I'm putting my feet nowadays."

"And what you're putting them in."

"Just hope he learns a similar lesson, Susie. Hold up - let's see how this turns out."

We turned and watched as he put on a spurt.

"He thinks he's got us."

"The faster he's going, the better, Susie."

"I hope you're right, Jeffrey - what are we going to do if this doesn't work?"

"We'll find out if two good little uns can beat one bad big un. Kicking and gouging allowed on our side. Cross your fingers, Susie - this is the moment of truth."

Thuuuuump - craaaack - smaaack.

"Oh! Ouch! We got the bugger." Susie danced up and down in glee. "That'll teach him. His head said good afternoon to the ground."

"It made more than a nodding acquaintance; he dived straight in. He never even had a chance to get his arms out to save himself."

"He landed with an almighty smack, Jeffrey."

"I thought I heard a cracking sound in there, amongst everything else."

"You could be right; his neck looks a bit skew-whiff. He's going to be the wonky squire of Scronkey."

"Brace yourself, Susie. I think we may have committed the perfect murder."

"That's a bit harsh, Jeffrey, he brought it on himself."

"We'd better find out one way or the other. Come on, let's give him the once-over."

We cautiously retraced our steps along the path. Susie tugged on my arm as we neared our victim. "Be careful, Jeffrey this is where the boogie man jumps up and grabs us."

I stopped and looked at the body sprawled out before us. "He won't be doing that - he's definitely dead. Do you get the sense of nothing there?"

Susie circled the body. "You're right - he's a goner. His race is well and truly run. He's another one who picked the wrong folk to tangle with. He fought the law and the law won."

"We're hardly the law, Susie," I cautioned as I handed over her bag. "We don't want to be caught wandering around carrying body parts. Would you do the honours?"

"I think the least we deserve is a badge for our efforts today, Jeffrey, but I suppose we'll be unsung heroes yet again."

She took the wizened head out of her bag and laid it alongside the squire, who regarded it with a glassy eye.

"That should give the police a big clue, Susie."

"Public spirited citizens like us should make their job as easy as possible, Jeffrey."

I went over and picked up the wire ring "I think we should leave them to puzzle over the murder weapon."

"They'll need Sherlock Holmes himself to figure out how he met his end."

"I think it would be beyond even him, Susie."

We walked away and she put her arm around my shoulder. "You're a resourceful little bugger, Jeffrey."

"You're quite a girl yourself, Susie."

"For a while back there, I felt like Toby Twirl," I reflected as I pulled on my third pair of tights of the day.

"Who's Toby Twirl?"

"Like Rupert Bear, but a piglet. There were some of his old annuals in gran's bookcase. They gave me nightmares. He was always being chased by people who wanted to eat him."

"You were a sensitive child, Jeffrey." Susie put her arm around me and gave me a hug.

"I was a scaredy-cat: Clowns, Grimm's fairy tales, orcs, marionettes, Martians - the list is endless. They've all put the wind up me in the past."

"I hope the events of today haven't left a permanent mark on you, Jeffrey."

"I think they may have, Susie and in a bizarre way."

"What's that?"

"I've developed a burning desire to get dressed up as Lara Croft - hot pants and all."

"You haven't got the breasts for her, Denise."

"I wouldn't want to be that top-heavy, but it wouldn't hurt to give Pinky and Perky something to aim for."

"I thought you didn't want to encourage them."

"I wouldn't mind if they blossomed a little more. I don't want mum to think I'm anorexic, or anything. I've given her enough to worry about."

"You're becoming quite selfless, Jeffrey."

"I wouldn't want you to feel left out. Get yourself an outfit as well. Twin Lara Crofts could have some real fun together."

"Steady, boy."

"Sorry, Susie - I know I should be focusing on getting us home."

"It's okay; it's nice that we can relax now."

"Not too much - we don't want to fall down a bore-hole into an old salt cavern."

"Let's get back on the road, then."

"No need, look over there. We've hit the old railway line again." I pointed to the embankment at the far end of the field. "It can't be far to the ferry now - come on."

"It'll be the Spanish Inquisition when I get home, Jeffrey," Susie sighed as we left the phone-box.

"It's your own fault for embroidering our story. Why couldn't you stick to saying we'd gone on a country ramble?"

"I was only putting some flesh on the bones."

"Telling your dad we spent the entire afternoon watching a dry-stonewalling contest wasn't a very bright idea."

"The poster caught my eye and I took it from there. Anyway, you've no room to talk - you told your mum we'd been to a sheepdog trial."

"She believed me. I know to keep in character, and I don't have your reputation for telling whoppers."

"Dad was only joking about checking the car is still in the garage."

"No, he wasn't."

"My big mistake was saying we entered the novice section and won a cup. Do you suppose we could pick up a trophy from somewhere?"

"Tell him it's being engraved."

"Right - that's one problem solved, but he'll want to know more. I'll have to google dry-stonewalling at your house before I go home."

"Well, at least you'll be expecting it, Susie."

"What, Jeffrey?"

"The Spanish Inquisition."

"Where's the ferry, Jeffrey?"

"On the other side, Susie."

"It's not coming back, is it?"

"Probably not."

"My feet are like boats, Jeffrey," she groaned. "I wouldn't be surprised if I could walk on water - and carry you at the same time."

I was pretending to jump on Susie's back when a voice interrupted us.

"There are no more crossings today."

We turned and saw a man beckoning from a small wooden jetty.

"Come over here, I can fix you up for a price."

"Let's see what Captain Haddock's got to say, Jeffrey."

"Whatever you do, don't call him that, Susie - we've had enough trouble for one day."

We walked over and he greeted us with a wide smile. "Evenin', girls, I think I can help you." He bent down and pulled on a mooring rope. "The tide's coming in, it's a fine time to row across."

Susie looked down at the small boat. "What do you think, Denise?"

"The sea's calm - and it's a long way round by road. I don't want to be paying for a taxi."

"Five pounds is what I'm charging - for the two of you."

"Pay the ferryman, Susie."

I jumped in the boat while she handed over the money.

"Thank you, miss - in you get."

Susie joined me and the man began to pay out the line.

"Hey, what are you doing?" She cried.

"The five pounds is only for the hire of the boat - my services cost another twenty pounds."

"Bugger you," Susie snorted and tugged on the rope.

"What the ..."

Splaaaaaasssh! The man belly-flopped into water.

"Go on, Denise - row!"

I grabbed the oars and pulled us away from the shore.

"Bring back my bloody boat."

"Rollocks to you," Susie called back to the splashing figure. "A deal's a deal; we'll leave it tied up on the other side."

I skimmed us smoothly out into the river. "How did you know I could row, Susie?"

"I think you must have mentioned it to me once upon a time, Jeffrey."

She leaned forward and began untying my trainers.

"Quiet, calm deliberation untangles every knot - you should make a practice of that, Susie."

She took my red shoes out of her bag. "Wriggle your feet into these, Denise."

"Careful," I warned as her hand crept up my leg. "We don't want to risk losing an oar."

Susie sat up with a satisfied grin. "There, I've got you in a rowing boat wearing high heels, Jeffrey."

"I know. I suppose it was inevitable, but I don't care - love is the sweetest thing."

"What a day, Jeffrey."

"What a week, Susie."

She leant back and smiled. "I didn't expect to be saying this so soon, Jeffrey."

"What's that, Susie?"

"In - out, in - out, in - out."