Authors Note: Hello out there, I wanted to let you know that this is a story connecting to Walker's Path. Vic the main character of this story is Walker's best friend. This story is going to be heavily gaming oriented. However, it's also going to be a companion story to Walker's Path. The things that Walker misses Vic might not miss and vice versa. I hope you enjoy it!

The incessant tapping from Rob banging on his controller was getting to me.

“Vic!” Rob said in a panic.

“You have to use skills! Stop just spamming x!” I said.

“I can't!” he replied.

“What do you mean you can't?!”

Five enemies were chasing Rob around the room. He was doing a good job kiting them around but he was smashing them with his melee weapon whenever they got close. That wouldn’t be a problem if he were a warrior but he was a sorcerer and needed to use his spells.

I glanced at Rob for a moment and saw him slapping the controller with his palm.

How the heck did he last this long? I thought.

Then I looked at his health potions. All but two were left.

“Richie!” I yelled.

After about then seconds Richie popped his head from around the corner. “Sup?”

“Dude! Look!” I yelled as I pointed at the TV.

Rob had just used the last of Richie's potions trying to stay alive.

“Pause it, pause it!” Richie yelled back at me.

I quickly paused the game.

“Awww,” Rob said.

“You’re gonna get my character killed!” Richie said to Rob.

Rob was Richie’s younger brother and probably the most annoying kid I knew. He was apparently terrible at video games too. We were forced to play with him when we were at Richie's house though.

Being stuck in this room with Rob was the worst. It was my turn to wait though. Our D&D tournament was underway and I couldn't know what the other guys were doing so I had to sit it out.

If only Walker hadn't stayed at his girlfriend's. His and my character were together and he would have been here with me. I was more than a little annoyed, we'd been planning this tournament for weeks. He’d asked me to play his character for him but it wasn’t going to be the same.

I didn't even have a way to get a hold of him to tell him how things were going. If he even cared.

“Don't touch anything!” Rich said and rushed back into the kitchen.

There was no reason to hold the controller anymore so I put it next to the Playstation.

“Wanna play N64?” Rob asked.

“What game?”

“Mario Kart.”

That game was fun. “Sure?”

Rob got up and darted behind the TV and flipped a switch. The screen went black and he rushed over to a cabinet under the TV and pulled out two controllers.

I'd never get used to the weird three pronged N64 controllers.

Rob blew into the cartridge, slammed it into place, and started the system. It booted up and the game started.
It'd been a while since I played this game. Walker was more into video games than I was but I was still pretty good.

I chose Yoshi and the squirt picked Toad.

The round started out pretty neck and neck but I got knocked out by a red shell from one of the computer controlled characters putting Rob in first place.

“What the,” I said.

“I’m just good,” Rob said.

“You were just lucky, Lets go again.”

We went again and somehow he won again.

I let the controller rest in my lap and looked at Rob. The scrawny kid with gangly arms sneered at me.

Oh fuck this. “Again.”

After around five more games of losing I felt completely demoralized. The little jerk somehow always ended up ahead of me. It was like he wasn’t getting hit by my shells. Well, except for the blue ones.

This time I decided to watch his screen while playing. I noticed that he was carrying his shells behind him. “How do you do that with your shells?” I asked.

“Just hold the button.”

I tried what he said and it worked and then suddenly a warning came up saying that a red shell was about to hit me. Instead of causing me to spin out, it was blocked.

A smile spread across my face. I didn’t win that game but I came in 3rd place.

“Again,” I said.

Another few games and I was getting much better. I was just behind Rob on one game and he moved so that his shell hit me from behind.

“What the?” So, those things can actually hit people too.

After every game, Rob would look up at me and smile. The little shit was enjoying this.

“Again.”

This round I caught up to him and tried to do the same thing but he dodged to the right causing me to hit a wall and spin out.

“Damnit,” I said while watching the camera follow his character driving around the course. Then I suddenly spotted something. There was a part of the course that looked like it deviated from the normal path. Hmmm.

“One more time.”

Rob started it up and I missed the deviation the first lap but caught it the second time. It led to a ramp that had a jump at the end which would launch me over a gap. When my character jumped off he fell just sort of making it. The next round I was lucky enough to get a mushroom and I attempted it again. My character soared through the air and got back on the course ahead of everyone else.

“Yes!” I yelled.

I beat him finally.

“How did you get ahead of me? You cheated!”

“Nope just skills,” I said.

“Let's go again.”

Richie popped around the corner. “Hey Vic, we’re rea—” He stared at the screen. “What the hell Rob!”

“I just switched it over.”

I moved the controller I was holding to my left hiding it behind my leg.

“You know that breaks the sound! Now I have to reset it!”

My knees popped as I got up and went to the kitchen. I ignored the screaming bout that was happening between Rob and Rich. Rich could be almost as annoying as his little brother.

“Hey, Vic.” Rich’s dad said. He was standing in front of the stove cooking something. It smelled really good.

“Hey Mr. Newman,” I said.

Rich and Rob’s family were clean freaks. Their parents were the type that would clean up after you while you were in the middle of eating. It was weird but much better than Steve’s house.

Steve was another one of my buds; his house was infested with roaches. Steve knew it was gross but he didn’t want to clean up after his three brothers. Their parents didn’t clean much so there always ended up being trash everywhere.

I sat at the table with Johnny, Nick, and Steve.

“Sup,” I said.

“Yo,” said Nick. He was almost as scrawny as Rob.

Steve put his hand up over his DM screen. “Hey.”

Johnny ignored me and shook the dice in his hand and let them roll. “That’s a negative two.”

“Hit, but no damage,” said Steve.

“What?! I attack ag—”

Steve put his hand up again. “He gets to react first.” Steve looked at me. “Vic, as you were coming out of your room at the inn someone threw a bottle of wine at you. It broke on your armor and you took no damage. It did however leave a big stain on your white pants.”

“Was it white wine or red?” I asked.

Steve squinted at me. “Red.”

“I pull out my blackjack and close to melee range.”

***

Chapter 1 The Misfits

The grip on my right hand tightened on the ledge as I knocked on the window; little bits of paint flaked off the windowsill and fluttered down past me. I couldn’t watch it fall. My fear of heights was kicking in.

It's not often my girlfriend asked me to sneak over for the night. It was my birthday, and she told me she wanted to give me a present. I wondered what it was.

The wooden lattice I’d climbed shook a little as I waited. It seemed pretty sturdy, but I didn't trust it. Why does she have to live on the second floor? I thought.

The strain on my muscles— as if I had any— was becoming too much. I reflexively looked down. A cement porch was strewn out below me, chairs and a BBQ threatened me. I imagined falling and hitting the metal grill. The thoughts made me redouble my efforts to hold on.

Then the window opened.

I scrambled into the room, not waiting for someone to invite me in. I ended up on the floor, my heart pounding out of my chest as I watched my girlfriend close the window.

Joy, my girlfriend, was in her pajamas, the type that looked like a dress. I wasn’t sure what they were called.

About half a dozen giggles came from behind me. I sat up and turned.

Joy’s friends, who were also in their P.J.s, were strewn all over Joy’s bed and other furniture she had in her room. I’d been in her room a few times and I’d snuck in those times as well. I seriously hated climbing the wall.

I gave them a quick smile and stood.

I didn’t know that Joy’s friends were gonna be there but I would be fooling myself if I didn’t think it was a pleasant surprise.

“Like the view?” Joy said from behind me.

I faced her, smiled, and said, “This one’s better.” I moved in close, pulled her to me and she gasped. My lips were an inch away from hers and I waited for her to initiate the kiss. I couldn’t see her that well through my hair. I was going for a Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain look.

She gave me a quick peck on the lips and pushed away. I hesitated for a moment, wanting more. I gazed into her eyes and smiled. She smiled back the dimples in her cheeks showing themselves.

“Awwwww.” Several of the girls said and then broke out into more giggles.

“Happy birthday,” Joy said.

I leaned my forehead against hers. “Thanks.”

“Get a room!” Alyx said.

Joy turned to her and snapped, “We’re in my room!”

I knew a few of Joy’s friends, Alyx was one of them. The other girl I knew, Jane, wasn’t there.

Alyx stuck her tongue out, at Joy.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep!” Joy said.

Alyx's tongue retreated into her mouth.

“So…” I said. “What am I doing here? I thought we were gonna be alone?”

Joy grabbed my hand and backed up. “Well…”

A few of the girls giggled.

“Well, what?” I asked. I was starting to get nervous.

“Well, we—”

“We?” one of the girls interrupted Joy.

“Okay, I wanted you to stay the night with us.”

“This isn’t a good idea,” the smallest girl in the group said.

“Shut up Gina!” said one of the girls.

“Eat me, Lacy!” Gina replied. Then both stuck their tongues out at each other.

A really tall girl stood up, crossed her arms, and squinted at me. I had to look up to see her face.

She said, “If he fucks with anyone I’ll beat his little ass.”

I swallowed. Hard. What the hell have you gotten yourself into Walker?

“He has to wear the nightgown though,” Gina said.

“Wait what?” I said. That must have been what they all were wearing.

“The underwear too or else he has to go,” Lacy said.

I let go of Joy’s hand and my arms shot forward. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said. “I didn’t agree to any of this.”

Joy put her hand on my back and I turned to her. “I want you to stay the night with me.”

My defensive demeanor melted slightly. Did she say what I thought she said? I shivered.

Staying the night with a bunch of girls? I'd dreamt of this at least a couple of times. I weighed the pros and cons in my mind. There was a huge con I needed to address immediately. "You can't tell anyone at school about this," I said.

Joy's friends looked at her. Joy glanced at them and then focused on me. "Not a word," she said.

All the girls made a motion like they were zipping their mouths closed, locking it, and tossing away the key.

***
The nightgown Joy gave me fit. She and I were the same height. I was thinner than her. Keeping weight on was something I struggled with. My friends were jealous of how I could just devour food and not gain a pound. The underwear she gave me, however, was tight. It didn’t help that my little buddy decided to stand at full attention.

I couldn’t believe this was happening.

The girls’ clothes kind of reminded me of when my older sister would play dress up and put me in her old clothes. It was a weird time in my life.

Maybe my life was doomed to be abnormal. I was born with a birth defect and I was nervous about getting naked with a girl.

A knock sounded at the door. "You okay in there?" Came from the other side.

"Yeah," I lied, looking down at my anatomy. I was not okay.

"We're waiting for you." I was pretty sure it was Joy on the other side of the door.

The sporadic bouts of not being able to control myself was extremely annoying. It was actually a new thing caused by the medication I was taking.

After a few minutes, a lot of cold water, and some tucking, I felt ready enough to go out.

Joy and her girlfriends sat on the floor in a circle. Everyone turned to me as I peeked around the door.

Joy waved me over.

I lingered at the door, using it as a shield.

Joy gave me a look. I didn't know her looks just yet since we just started dating. It wasn't a pleasant look, though.

I crept my way from behind the door and revealed myself.

One of the girls giggled. I didn't know which girl it was because I was too busy looking down. When Gina punched Lacy in the arm I knew who had done it.

Rather than slowly making my way to them I strode into the room and sat next to Joy. Better to quickly rip off the band-aid.

An awkward silence permeated throughout the room. I took that moment to examine Joy's room in a bit more detail. The walls were white with pink polka dots. The pink was so light you could barely see it. She had a cherrywood vanity with a small stool below. It sat next to her bed. It was at least queen-sized. On the other side of it was a loveseat the same color as her vanity.

There were five girls there in total. The really tall girl, who had threatened me earlier, was the only one whose name I didn’t know.

"Hi, I'm Walker and I'm an alcoholic," I joked.

Joy socked me in the arm and I laughed.

The other girls giggled, so my joke had its intended effect.

I had to pull a lot of strings and give away at least a couple of my favorite baseball cards to make tonight happen, so the least I could do was enjoy it.

“Do you have slumber parties all the time?” I asked.

“Once a month or so,” Joy said.

“Sometimes we’ll swap houses,” Gina said.

I nodded. “My sisters used to have them all the time.”

“You have sisters?” Joy asked.

“Yeah. Two of them. I’m the middle kid.”

“Ewww,” said the tall girl.

“Ewww?” I asked.

“I’m a middle kid too,” she said.

“You know how it is then?”

She nodded. “Blamed for everything.”

I nodded. “What’s your name?”

“Oh, I’m Sam. It’s short for Samantha,” she said.

“I’m Gina.”

“I’m Lacy.”

“You know me,” said Alyx.

I smiled at Alyx and said, “Nice to meet you all.”

Joy leaned on my shoulder.

“So, what are we gonna do?” I asked.

Most of the girls shrugged.

Lacy didn’t. “Lets play truth or dare!”

“Sure, why not?” I said.

No one seemed to object.

“Who’s first?” Lacy asked.

Sam raised her hand. “I’ll go first.”

“Who asks the question?” said Gina.

“How about the person to your right and we’ll go around in a circle,” Joy suggested.

That made it so she would be the only one asking me questions.

“No! The one who asks the question gets to choose who they ask,” Alyx said.

“Makes sense,” I said with a shrug. Joy’s head rocked along with my shoulder.

“I’ll ask her a question,” Joy said and sat up.

Sam took a deep breath.

Joy covered her mouth and then removed her hand revealing a smile. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“Knew it!” Gina said.

Lacy pushed Gina. “Shhhhh.” They stuck tongues at each other again and then turned to Joy.

“Uhmm—”

“C’mon Joy!” Alyx said.

“Okay, okay, how about, uhmm.” She put her hand to her chin. “What did you and Tommy do on your date last week?”

Sam turned a deep shade of pink.

“Oooo, I wanna hear this,” Lacy said.

Gina nodded along with Lacy’s words.

“We just went to the movies,” said Pam.

“And?” Joy asked.

Sam huffed. “It’s private!”

“This isn’t half-truth and dare,” Joy said.

Sam exhaled. “Okay, we kissed.”

I lifted my gaze to her eyes. “Is he taller than you?”

Joy socked me in the arm. “Don’t ask her that!”

Apparently, I’d hit a sensitive subject, which I would avoid in the future if I could remember.

“Sorry,” I said and rubbed my arm.

“How was the kiss?” Lacy asked.

Sam looked into her lap and shrugged.

Gina attempted to encourage her. “C’mon, Sam, you know us.”

She folded her arms under her breasts, looked directly at me, and said, “I don’t know him.”

I raised my hands, looked down at the nightgown I was wearing, and then back at her. “I’m not saying a word.”

She squinted at me and said nothing.

“Look, if I say anything, just tell people you saw me wearing this thing,” I said. If the guys caught wind I was in a girl’s nightgown, they would harass me to no end. They already liked to give me wedgies and toss me into the trash. I didn’t need to give them any more reasons to fuck with me.

Joy leaned on me again and ran her fingers through my hair.

“Fine,” Sam said. She lowered her arms. “He picked me up around seven and took us to the theater.” She leaned back on her hands. “Then we watched—”

“What movie?” Gina asked.

“Happy Gilmore.”

“Really?” Alyx said.

"Yea—"

Lacy laughed.

"Don't laugh! We just wanted something lite. Low stress."

"Sounds reasonable," I said.

"So he kissed you? Was it like, at the end of the date or at the movies?"

"After he took me home. He did put his arm around me at the theater though."

I lifted my face and looked at Sam. Joy socked me in the arm again.

"What?" I complained.

"I know what you’re thinking!" she said.

Lacy ignored us. "Is he a good kisser?"

Gina's face scrunched up. "I hate when they just do a bunch of small pecks."

Sam shrugged. "What do you want me to say?"

"The truth," Joy said.

"His lips lingered on mine. He closed his eyes and I closed mine.” She paused for a moment and sent her balled-up fists into the air and then suddenly spread her fingers. “Fireworks."

Gina's mouth dropped.

Lacy's eyes widened.

Joy and Alyx rolled their eyes.

"That's just from one of the romance books she reads," Alyx said.

Gina and Lacy looked annoyed.

“I leaned down.” Sam looked at me and I put my hands up. “And we had a soft kiss.”

“That’s it?” I asked.

“Yeah that’s it!” she snapped.

“Sorry…” I said.

Sam pointed at me. “I choose Walker! He’s next.”

Everyone looked at me.

I swallowed my nervousness about halfway down.

Sam said, “Tru—”

“Dare,” I said.

Lacy whined. “Awww.”

Sam thought for a moment, her face still in a scowl. “Okay, pull your nightgown tight at your waist and walk across the room like a girl.”
I winced and then remembered. “I don’t know how to walk like a girl though.”

“Oh, we’ll show you,” Gina said.

Alyx and Lacy nodded.

Everyone stood up.

“Like this.” Joy raced to one side of her room and walked to the other side.

“No, like this!” Sam did the same as Joy but she added a sashay to her walk.

When I moved to the starting point my hands started to sweat. This was a little too close to home with the troubles I’d been having with my body.

Taking a deep breath I pulled the nightgown to my waist and tried to copy what Sam had done.

The girls were quiet. I was expecting them to laugh at me or something, instead, they looked spooked.

“What?” I asked.

“Walker, can you come to the bathroom with me?” Joy answered my question with a question.

“Sure.”

As I was closing the door I saw the four remaining girls huddle and whisper to each other.

When the door closed Joy asked, “Can you lift that up?” She pointed to the nightgown I was wearing.

“Uhm…”

“It’s important, I’m not going to laugh.”

I closed my eyes and lifted the nightgown.

Joy looked shocked. “Where’s your penis?”

Without opening my eyes I said, “It’s down there. I tucked it in.”

“You can open up your eyes. I want to show you something,” Joy said.

I opened my eyes and Joy was facing the mirror holding up her nightgown.

“Come look in the mirror.”

I let go of the nightgown and stood next to her.

“No, pull that back up.” After I complied she said, “Look.”

In the mirror was our reflection but I didn’t see anything strange. Other than I had tucked my trusty companion between my legs.

Joy’s face went blank.

“What? I asked.

“Look at me then look at you,” she said.

We looked pretty much the same. I was wearing her underwear, so of course, I would look like her. “We look the same,” I said.

“Exactly!”

“Exactly what? I’m wearing your underwear. Of course, it’ll make me look like a girl.”

“No, no. Look at your hips. You’re curvier than I am!”

My hips were a bit wider than hers. “That’s just because I weigh more than you.”

“You’re not getting it, Walker! You look like a girl.”

A shiver ran down my spine. I let the nightgown drop. My clothes were still on the floor so I started putting them on. They were pretty baggy which was in style. Grunge they called it.

“Stop, Walker, stop.”

One leg in my pants and I stopped. My breathing increased.

Joy put a hand on my shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“Wha—” I let my pants fall. “What do you mean, it’s okay?”

She wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close. I didn’t even have to bend my head to look her in the eyes. She leaned her head on my shoulder again and hugged me.

The longer she held me the more my composure slipped. Soon enough my eyes began leaking.

In early December my mother saw my chest when she brought me a towel. My breasts had grown quite a bit and the nipples were much bigger. I was horrified and wore like three shirts every day to keep them down.

Mom and dad took me to a doctor after that. The doctor prescribed a low dose of testosterone. I’d been taking it ever since. They obviously weren't working fast enough.

“I—”

“It’s okay,” Joy interrupted.

“How can it be okay? You probably don’t even want to date me anymore.”

She took her head off of my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. “Hey don’t be that way! Of course, I want to date you still.”

“Really?”

She nodded. “You sure you have a penis down there?”

I smiled. “Yeah.” I pulled up the nightgown and pulled down my underwear.

She kneeled down and examined me. “You do have one. But where’s your…” Then she gasped.

I quickly pulled my underwear back up. “Please don’t tell anyone at school. I already get beat up.”

Joy stood up. “Is that a— you’re a Hermaph—”

“Don’t use that word!”

“What do I use then?”

“Intersex.”

She stood there blinking for a moment and then sat on the toilet seat.

I heard a thump from the door and then a muffled, “Shit!”

I opened the door and Lacy fell forward catching herself on the door frame.

Tears gushed from my eyes again. “Go ahead make fun of me.”

“Get the fuck out Lacy!” Joy screamed and kicked the door shut.

Joy’s room was pretty big but it was at the expense of her bathroom. I was beginning to feel cramped in there.

Joy got up and hugged me again.

“I—”

“It’s okay. It’ll be okay,” Joy cooed.

My defenses dropped and I let loose. No composure, pure ugly crying.

Joy handed me a wad of toilet paper and I wiped my eyes and nose with it. It took me a while, but I eventually calmed down. Joy swapped positions with me and had me sit down. She held one of my hands while she sat on the edge of the bathtub.

She squeezed my hand. “You don’t have to worry about me and my friends, okay?”

Just the thought of all of those other people knowing about my— I didn’t even want to think about it.

“Hey my friends and I, we’ve been through a lot, okay?”

“What do you mean?”

Joy took in a deep breath. “You know my friend, Jane?”

I nodded.

“Well, she had a really bad experience with a guy and didn’t even want to be here tonight because I told her you were coming.”

I was probably one of the least threatening guys alive and she knew me.

“The other girls have problems too. I can’t talk about them but we’re a lot like those toys in that Christmas movie.”

“Misfits?” Christmas was only a month ago and the Rudolph cartoon was still fresh in my mind. We watched it every year.

“That’s them,” she said.

***

Chapter 2 New Clothes

Joy walked me out of the bathroom while holding my hand. I couldn’t make eye contact with the girls so I kept my head down. Why does life have to be such an asshole to me?

We sat on Joy's bed while the girls stood in front of us. Joy had somehow convinced me to stay. Her conversational skills were way beyond anything I could contend with.

Gina elbowed Lacy, and she reluctantly stepped forward.

“I’m sorry,” Lacy said.

When I glanced up at her, her head was down. She actually looked sorry.

“I-it’s okay,” I said and looked at my hands.

We all paused for a while; no one said a word. It was one of those moments, like right after my parents fought or when my little sister fell before realizing there was pain incoming.

I looked up, and all the girls were staring at me. Words failed me so I covered my face and fell back onto the bed.

“Walker?” It was Joy’s voice.

The darkness from my hands provided me a sort of invisibility or at least that was how I felt. If I stayed there long enough everyone would just go away.

“Will you talk with us about it?” asked Gina.

“It’ll make you feel better,” Sam said.

Lacy and Alyx were surprisingly quiet.

“Walker?” Joy said again.

I squeezed my eyes shut, turned to my side, pulled my legs up to my chest, and held on to them.

Four impacts hit the bed and I was suddenly covered by several girls' hands in a huge hug.

It was scary for a moment but when no one hit me or whatever other fears my brain could produce, I cried.

Besides my mom, no one had ever been that kind to me. Sure, the small nerdy friend group I had was nice to me but I’d never gotten hugs from them like that before. It felt…nice.

If only Vic could see me now.

Vic was my best friend. We’d known each other since around third grade. Jacalyn Kostairs— the resident bitch of our class— took some of my candy, and Vic got it back for me. We’d been friends ever since.

I laughed at the thought.

Suddenly the hands surrounding me retreated except for one set, which was probably Joy’s. I didn’t want to open my eyes to check.

“Walker,” someone said from behind me. It kind of sounded like Joy.

The sudden release of the air from my lungs as Joy squeezed me made my eyes shoot open. It wasn’t Joy’s hands around my waist. Sam was squeezing me hard, and I couldn’t move.

“Will you just talk to us?” Sam said.

“Yes, yes, yes! Ju— st-stop!” I struggled to say.

She let go and I sat up gasping for air. I glared at Sam.

She giggled. “Works on my brothers all the time.”

Someone put a hand on my leg and I turned to see who it was.

It was Joy. “Will you talk with us about it?” she asked.

“I- I guess,” I said. Then I turned to Sam. “How’d you do that?”

“Do what?” she asked.

“Sound like Joy.”

Sam shrugged. “Oh, I do voices.”

“So… questions?” Alyx asked.

I nodded.

Lacy squealed and leaned on the headboard staring straight at me. Gina lay down next to her putting her feet on top of Lacy’s.

Alyx gave me some room while Sam moved to the opposite corner from us.

Joy was beside me.

“So… what do you want to know?” I asked.

“Why do your hips look like that?”

“Are you really a girl?”

“Is that why you keep your hair long?”

“Do you have boobs?”

My heart started pounding and my breathing increased.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Joy said while grabbing my hand. It calmed me down. “One at a time,” she told them.

Lacy raised her hand as if she were in school. When she started shaking it around like I might call on someone else, I let out a laugh. “Go ahead, Lacy,” I said.

“Are you really a girl?” she asked.

“Kind of... both?” I looked down.

The girls gasped. Joy squeezed my hand and I sighed.

Gina jumped in before Sam could. “Do you have boobs too?”

“Uhm.” I touched the bindings around my chest and then nodded.

“Can we see?” Lacy asked.

“Uhm… I-it’s hard to get back on if I take it off…” I said.

“Do what?” Joy said.

My mom was into making her own clothes and made an elastic piece that was really tight. It pinned down whatever was up there.

“We’ll help,” said Gina.

“Should we…” I stared at Joy’s bedroom door for a moment.

“Oh don’t worry about that. My parents went out to dinner and won't be back for another hour or so. We can get pretty loud and they try to avoid us most of the time.”

“Can we at least put something against the door?” I asked.

“They’re not home,” Joy said.

Alyx put a hand in front of my face and I froze. She then proceeded to tuck my hair behind my ear.

“What the fuck, Alyx?” Joy said.

Alyx ignored Joy. “You look really pretty.”

The other girls leaned in, staring at me.

“Uhm…” I didn’t know what to say.

“He’s blushing,” Gabby said and covered her mouth.

There was a pause.

I looked away and ran my fingers through my hair unhooking it.

“Are you still going to show us your chest?” Lacy asked.

Alyx hopped off the bed and stripped off her nightgown, tossing it on the floor.

“What the…” Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Joy got up and took hers off too. She set the gown on the bed next to me. I didn’t know what to do and then Joy offered her hand to me. When I took it she helped me off the bed.

I couldn’t stop staring. Joy was beautiful.

“Okay,” she said and turned me around. “Take it off.”

This was not the way I thought I would be showing my girlfriend my body. I pulled the nightgown over my head and set it next to Joy’s.

“Whoa, what is that?” Gina asked.

“My mom made it,” I said.

“How does it work?” Lacy asked.

“There’s a zipper back here,” Alyx said.

“That’s why I need someone else to help.” I shrugged. “Usually, Hailey helps me with it.”

“Who’s Hailey?” Joy asked.

“My little sister.”

“Can I?” she asked.

I nodded.

The zipper slowly slipped down the tight-fitting garment. Then an intense pinch stung my back. “You have to pull on it a little!” My fingernails dug into my hands.

She eventually finished unzipping the binding. I held it to my chest so it wouldn’t fall.

“Okay, show us,” Alyx said.

“Wait.” I ran a hand up and massaged myself a little. “It hurts to keep that on all day, and sometimes I stick to it.” When I was finished, I lowered it and laid it on the bed.

“Oh my God,” Lacy said. “Yours are bigger than mine!”

“A squirrels are bigger than yours,” Gina said.

“Shut up!”

“Make me!”

Lacy dug her fingers into Gina’s side, causing her to giggle uncontrollably. Lacy was taller than her, and Gina couldn’t hold her back. It made me smile.

Alyx snatched my binding from the bed. “I wanna try it on!”

“Wai—”

Alyx took off her bra, letting her breasts show. “Sam, will you help me?” she asked.

Sam got up. “Sure.”

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

“Hey.” Joy pulled my head in her direction. “Eyes over here.”

Something was happening down below, and I quickly grabbed my nightgown and ran into the bathroom.

***
Cold water seemed to always work. My friends said thinking about puppies or your grandma would also help but they never helped me. The running water, however, helped me relax.

I tucked myself in, put the nightgown on, and walked into Joy’s room.

The girls surrounded Alyx as she made grunting noises. When the girls backed up a flat-chested Alyx was revealed.

Alyx shifted her weight to one hip and placed a hand on Gina’s shoulder. “Hey darlin’, you wanna date a stud like me?” she said in this weird deep voice.

It took all of three seconds before they started laughing.

After they were done Lacy said, “I wanna try!”

For the next thirty minutes Lacy, Gina, and Joy took turns trying on the binding.

I ended up on the bed watching them but trying not to be rude and stare. Joy would glance at me every once in a while to make sure I was being good.

I’d say this was one of my fantasies but I couldn’t see the binding as sexual, like at all. That helped me not have to run to the bathroom again.

They were getting pretty good at putting it on.

“Ooo I have an idea!” said Lacy. She ran into the bathroom and came out with my clothes. “Try these on!”

“Yeah!” Gina said.

Joy didn’t seem interested and sat with me. She was dressed again which somehow made me more comfortable. “Hey, you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah…”

She squinted. “No, somethings up. I figured this would be a dream come true for you.”

I shrugged.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s like my fantasy was just ruined.”

“What do you mean?”

“I see all of your…”

“Boobs?” she asked.

I nodded. “The more I look at them, the more they look like mine and I don’t like mine at all.”

“Well, they are the same.”

That didn’t help so I balled up while leaning against her headboard. My eyes leaked again. I felt less and less like a boy. It was like my identity while I was growing up was being stripped from me. Why couldn't I be born normal? Boy or girl doesn't matter, just normal.

Joy put a hand on my back.

Gina had the binding on along with my clothes. She had found a baseball cap from somewhere and had her hair stuffed into it. She walked between the other girls, putting her chin in the air and saying, “Sup,” in this deep voice. She was so tiny, and had to hold the pants up with one hand,

There was something about it that ticked the ‘hilarious’ button in my brain. When I burst out laughing Joy jumped. I pointed and she started laughing too.

***
“Well, why not?” Joy asked.

“B-because!” I yelled.

“We just wore yours. They’re just clothes,” Alyx said.

“They're girls' clothes!” I said.

They in turn looked at each other and then at me.

“You’re i—”

“No!” I said and crossed my arms across my chest. I squeezed a little too hard and hurt myself. Hissing and giving your boobs a massage while girls were watching was really awkward.

“You’re already wearing girls’ clothes,” Alyx said.

“He’s too big to wear mine,” Gina said.

“He could try some of mine on. His clothes fit me,” Lacy said.

“Mine too,” Alyx said.

They were taking advantage of me not being able to respond and I didn’t appreciate it.

Joy hugged me and sneered at her friends. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Walker.”

“Aww c’mon, please Walker,” Lacy said.

The other girls begged her. Only Joy stood in solidarity with me while I let the pain fade.

I’d dressed up before and my sisters and their friends didn’t make fun of me back then. These girls seemed nice. The only one I was not super fond of was Lacy but that was only because she was spying on us in the bathroom. To be honest, none of the girls here gave me the time of day and now they were pretty much begging me to do something with them.

I caved.

***
The Backpacks came out and there were suddenly clothes everywhere. It appeared as if they were building outfits for me to try. Because I decided to go through with it, Joy had reluctantly said they could use her clothes too.

They were so loud. My sisters were loud but this was like five times worse. At one point, Gina ran around screeching. Of course, Lacy chased her.

“This one first,” Alyx said.

My gaze followed the running girls.

“Earth to Walker. Hello?” she said snapping me from my observations.

“What?” I asked.

She pointed at the outfit on the bed in front of me. “This one.”

I didn’t know what half of the things on the bed were or where they went. The obvious things there were a skirt and a matching colored blouse. There were these long black things that looked like socks and another thing that looked like a skirt but was much more delicate.

A lump under the blouse turned out to be a bra. I lifted it up and looked at Alyx.

“What?” she asked.

“You want me to wear this?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“It- it’s a bra,” I said.

“The thing you wear is much more uncomfortable than the bra and I know I just took it off.” Alyx was probably right but, out of spite, I didn’t want to admit it completely.

I took off my nightgown, drew in a deep breath, and mentally prepared myself for the embarrassment to come.

The silky skirt ended up going on first. Then Joy helped me with the bra. After some adjusting, I had to admit that it was, in fact, more comfortable than the bindings I wore.

The blouse was next, followed by the skirt. We tucked the shirt into the skirt so that it didn’t look weird.

The clothes were much tighter than I remembered girls’ clothing being. Then again, the ones my sisters dressed me in were just hand-me-downs.

“Sit down,” Alyx told me.

Joy stood there with her hand covering her mouth. Lacy and Gina were next to her and Sam watched intently from the other side of the bed. They were putting their nightgowns back on.

I sat on the bed.

“Not that way. Face the other way,” Alyx said.

Climbing onto the bed while wearing a skirt was an odd experience. I made it eventually and sat down.

Suddenly, an unknown force pulled my head back. I tried to turn but another set of hands grabbed my face and moved it back to the forward position.

One of the girls brushed my hair. I hated brushing my hair. It was light brown and straight but I kept it long because it always got tangled when it was short.

“Okay, you can turn around,” Alyx said.

Lacy bent over and went through her pack. “Hold on a second.” When she came back up she handed Alyx something and returned to where she stood.

Alyx pulled my hair back and used whatever Lacy had given her to pin it up. “Okay, give me your hand.”

She pulled me up and led me to Joy’s closet. She opened the door. On the back-side was a mirror.

There was no way to avoid looking at the mirror because they stood me in front of it. The girl in the mirror looked pretty, like, out of my league pretty. I’d probably be scared to talk to her.

I observed girls a lot and I didn’t see a boy standing in front of me. My body had betrayed me. I wondered if I had told my parents earlier about the things happening to me if it would have mattered.

“So, what do you think?” Alyx asked me.

“She’s pret—”

The bedroom door opened, and we all turned to see a woman walk in. Luckily the girls had put their nightgowns back on while I was putting on the clothes.

“Hey girls did you want s—” The woman stopped mid-sentence. “Who's this?” she asked.

“Er- ah—” Joy stammered.

“Kennedi,” I said. “With an ‘i’.” I did my best to make my voice high-pitched but I wasn’t sure how convincing it was.

My sisters would call me ‘Kennedi’— with an i— when dressing me up and it also happened to be my middle name. My parents gave me my grandpa’s name but it was actually spelled like the President's name.

“Well it's nice you meet you, Kennedi-with-an-i. We brought home some pizza for you.”

“Sh-sure?” Joy said. “Mom, can we bring it up here?”

“You know the rules, Joyce. Come downstairs and get some soon before it gets cold,” Joy’s mom said.

“Okay,” Joy said.

Her mom turned and closed the door. The sound rang in my ears. It was like my body was catching up with the events that had just transpired. My breathing became labored and I couldn't get any air. I felt a falling sensation. Before I hit the ground my vision filled with darkness.

***

Chapter 3 On the Floor

“Kennedi,” someone said. It was faint.

“What happened?” another voice said.

I opened my eyes but the world was spinning.

“Kennedi are you okay?” the first person said again.

My chest heaved as I struggled to breathe. It felt as if I had something pushing down on it. Oh, I must have forgotten to take off my binder.

I reached behind me but my shirt blocked access. I tried to take it off but it was tucked into my pant— I wasn’t wearing pants. Suddenly I remembered where I was and what I was wearing and sat up.

Joy’s mom was in my face. She backed up.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

My breathing picked up and I struggled to pull in air. Well, you had a good run, Walker.

“Calm down.” Joy’s mom said. “What’s wrong with her? Does she have asthma?”

I couldn’t catch my breath. She's gonna kill me! I gotta ru— the world faded again.

***
My nose was suddenly filled with what smelled like cat piss. I turned on my side and coughed. I opened my eyes and there was a man in blue jeans in front of me. He had a small vial in his hands.

“See, I told you it would work,” he said. He put the small vial in a white pack with a red plus symbol on it.

A medical bag, I thought.

“Wa- Kennedi are you okay?” Joy said.

Luckily I was still in Joy’s room. They had put me on her bed.

“You okay down there?” the man said.

I nodded.

“What happened?” he asked.

“P-panic a-attack.” I stuttered.

His eyebrows went up and then he nodded. “Can you get up?”

I sat up, shifting my weight to lift my body. My arms shot to my sides to brace myself.

Joy’s dad’s hand darted out in a blur, supporting my back. “Are you going to be okay,” he asked.

The worried look on his face scared me. “Y-yeah.”

My breathing was starting to get out of control again but as I looked at Joy's dad I calmed down.

After he was sure I wasn’t going to pass out he removed his hand and looked around the room. “Joy, why is your room such a mess?”

“Dad…” Joy responded in that whiny ‘not while my friends are here’ tone.

Her dad? I took a few deep breaths.

“Clean up, get her some water, and come down to eat,” he said.

For some reason, his presence didn’t seem to bother me as much as Joy’s mom. Perhaps it was because I knew how to get along with guys.

I noticed Joy’s mom was in the doorway with a hand on her chest. She looked worried but didn’t come into the room.

Joy’s dad joined her in the doorway. “By the way,” her dad said, “I’m Mark and this is my wife Heather.”

They smiled at me.

I waved at them and then put my hand back so I wouldn’t fall.

“Kennedi is it?” he asked.

I nodded.

“See you downstairs,” he said and closed the door.

My breathing eased up.

“What the hell was that, Walker?” Joy spat. She looked really angry.

“P-panic attack,” I said. “All of you surrounding me and your mom…” It was just like that night… Streams of tears fell down my face.

Joy’s face softened.

“W-what happened?” I asked.

“You fell and mom heard it.” She sat on the bed in front of me. I scooted back to give her more room. “Then she got my dad. You were barely breathing… I was worried.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

Lacy came into the room from Joy's bathroom with a cup in her hand. I hadn’t even noticed her leave. She gave Joy the cup.

“Dad said you should drink this,” Joy said.

My head was pounding. Passing out always gave me a headache afterward. I shifted my weight to one hand and rubbed my temple with the other.

Joy reached out, holding the cup in front of me.

I stopped rubbing for a moment and accepted the water. I took a swig from the glass and then set it on the inlay part of her headstand. Then I continued rubbing.

“Want me to do that?” Joy asked.

I nodded.

She maneuvered behind me and I braced myself again. Her hands were delicate as they touched my head. When she rubbed my head I felt like pudding seeping out of its container.

The other girls picked up the scattered clothes and stuffed them in their packs.

“I gotta go,” I said.

“They are going to want to take you home,” Joy said. “Just stay the night.”

“What if they find out?” I asked.

“You saw yourself in the mirror.”

The edges of the skirt I was wearing rubbed against my legs reminding me I was wearing it. I smoothed it out where it had hiked up some.

“Sh- I mean he needs to swap back to the nightgown,” Sam said.

“Wh-why?” I asked.

“It’ll look pretty weird if you don’t change for the slumber party,” Sam said.

“Well, you can just say I dropped by,” I said.

Joy stopped. “How are you going to get home?”

“I walked here.” Her house was a few blocks from mine.

“They are not going to let you walk home. I know my parents,” Joy said.

Shit.

“You’re gonna walk home like that?” Lacy said.

“I could wear my clothes—” I stopped, realizing how stupid that sounded. “I could sneak out?”

“No, no, not happening!” Joy said.

“Why?” I asked.

Joy moved so I could see her. “My parents are going to want to know where you went. If I tell them you left, they are going to be mad at me, especially with you passing out like that.”

She had a really good point.

“I could have Vic pick me up tomorrow morning?” I suggested.

“What's he going to think about you being dressed like that?” Alyx said.

“I’ll just change before I go.”

“I don’t think sneaking out is an option, Walker,” Sam said.

Shit. Shit.

“Well, how long are your parents going to be here tomorrow?” I asked.

“Tomorrow's Saturday they'll be here all day.”

Shit, shit, shit. My breathing intensified.

Joy's hands shot back up to my forehead and she started rubbing again. “Hey, It’ll be okay. We’ll find a way to get you home.”

Between the head rub, and her reassuring voice, I believed her.

***
The clothes came off except for the bra and panties. The girls said the bra would help me be more convincing if they saw I had something up there.

“Walk— I mean Kennedi. Can you use that voice you used earlier?” Joy asked.

“What voi—” I remembered the voice I used for her mom. “This one?”

She nodded. “You’re pretty good at that. Wait, why are you so good at that?”

I gestured at my body. “I used to have screeching competitions with my sisters.” My shoulders rose and fell in a defeated shrug.

Joy pulled the back of the bra I was wearing and let it snap against my back. “Keep using the other voice.”

“Ouch! What the hell?”

“Yup, just like that,” Joy said.

I was weirdly getting used to being naked or at least in my underwear. Well, Joy’s underwear— with a bunch of girls. Which was something I never thought I would feel before.

Alyx handed me the nightgown I wore earlier. “As much as we all like to marvel at the weird body of Walker— What's your last name?”

“Walker,” I said.

“Oh, what’s your first name?” asked Alyx.

“I don’t like it,” I said and took the opportunity to pull the gown over my head and push my arms through the holes.

“I didn’t ask if you liked it,” she said.

“Magnus.”

“Magnus? What the?” Lacy asked.

“Now I see why you use Walker,” Gina said.

Sam bit her lip. “I think it’s kinda cool.”

“Wha- Why?” I asked.

“Kinda reminds me of magnets or magma,” Sam replied.

“You’re hot like lava, baby!” Lacy said and giggled with Gina.

I rolled my eyes. “Are we re—” The back of the bra snapped again. I winced in pain.

“Voice,” Joy said.

“And try to copy how we talk too,” Gina said.

I tried to rub my back. “That's not helping.”

Joy rubbed where it was hurting. “Well, you better figure out something because we have to go downstairs and eat.”

“Maybe I should—”

“No, you gotta come, or they'll get suspicious and think something's wrong,” Joy said.

Something was wrong; a guy was masquerading as a girl in their house. I wondered if their presence would be enough to remind me. “I’ll just do my best to keep quiet.”

“They are probably going to ask you a lot of questions, so be ready for that,” Joy warned.

“What do you mean a lot of questions?” I asked.

“Like where you live and stuff like that.”

“Oh.”

“Let’s go. I’m starving,” Lacy said.

“Shut up. You’re always hungry,” Gina replied.

They stuck their tongues out at each other.

Alyx rolled her eyes.

Joy walked to the door, and I followed her. “Here we go.”

***
The scent of pizza sailed through the air as if it were calling us. I was happy to be taking the stairs because I didn’t think I could have handled climbing down the wall. Especially with how tonight was going. My whole body was tense.

I found myself wishing I were with my friends playing Playstation. At least you get pizza, I thought.

It was a short trek to the dining room where a large table had several boxes of pizza in the center and a stack of paper plates next to it.

Joy sat down first and I sat next to her. The other girls spread out around the table.

Her parents weren't there.

I relaxed a little.

Joy passed out several plates and spread out the boxes. There was cheese, pepperoni, and one with everything on it.

I got up, grabbed a couple slices of pepperoni, and sat down.

After everyone was seated Joy turned to me and smiled.

“Hey girls,” said her parents.

I almost jumped out of my skin screeching. My hand instantly shot to my chest as I tried to recover. Joy bumped one of her feet against one of mine, distracting me.

“Hey,” most of the girls replied.

“Hi,” I said a little late.

They walked around the table and sat together at the end and didn't even bother to grab plates. Then I remembered they went out before bringing us pizza.

“Are you feeling better Kennedi?” Joy’s mom asked.

It took Joy kicking me to jog my memory that I was Kennedi. “Much better.”

“What happened back there?” her dad asked.

I swallowed the big chunk of pizza I’d eaten and said, “I- er-” Think Walker, think! “I was trying on some of their clothes and they surrounded me.” It had happened and telling the truth seemed more believable.

“Claustrophobia?” her dad asked.

“Ye-yes. Sorry to surprise everyone.” Lies were much more convincing when they contained part of the truth.

“Oh, don’t worry about it so long as you’re okay,” her mom said.

I nodded.

“Joy honey, we got another magnet for your collection,” her mom said.

“Mom…” Joy whined.

“You like magnets too?” Sam asked.

Joy’s head went down, and she nodded.

“What type?”

Joy shrugged.

“I think magnets are cool,” I said.

Joy looked at me with her eyebrows up.

“You would!” Lacy pushed on my arm and giggled.

A few of the other girls joined her.

“Why’s that?” Joy’s mom asked.

Shit.

“Inside joke,” Joy said.

“Yeah, Kennedi is kind of geeky,” Lacy said.

Sam squinted at Lacy. “Magnets aren’t geeky.” I made a mental note. Sam didn’t say that I wasn’t geeky.

I tried my best to ignore the girls' scowls and eat my pizza. Usually, I was super hungry but tonight, finishing this first piece felt like I was forcing it down.

“Kennedi, do you live around here?” Joy’s dad asked.

I nodded.

“She lives down by the school,” Joy lied. I lived in the opposite direction of the school, and I rode my bike every day. I wondered if Joy was trying to throw him off the scent or something.

“That’s a nice neighborhood,” her dad said.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Doesn’t ole Ralph Jameson live over there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Joy’s mom said.

“Do you know the Jamesons?” he asked me.

I shook my head.

“How do you know Joy?” asked her mom.

“School,” Joy said.

“Why hasn’t she been around before?” Joy’s mom asked.

“I—”

“We haven’t been friends till recently,” Joy said.

Joy’s mom smiled at me. “Well, I hope we see more of you.”

Not likely, I thought and nodded.

“How’s that new boyfriend of yours Joy?”

“Moom!” Joy screeched.

I covered my mouth and several of the girls giggled.

“What’s so funny?” Joy’s mom asked.

My throat was suddenly dry and I couldn’t seem to move.

“Uhm…” Joy said.

“He’s at his friend’s house,” Alyx chimed in. She was one of the girls who didn’t laugh.

I spotted a stack of red solo cups and a couple of two-liters of soda on the counter. I forced myself up and I just sort of stood there staring at them.

“There’s ice in the fridge, Kennedi,” Joy’s dad said.

It took a few seconds for my brain to process what he had said. I turned to Joy.

“Go ahead,” she said.

The pit of my stomach suddenly felt hollow. I hated when people told me to help myself while at their houses. It never felt like I belonged.

There were a couple of trays of ice in the freezer. They were all still talking at the table but I was willfully ignoring the chatter.

“Kennedi,” someone said.

I turned to the table.

“I want some too,” said Alyx.

“Me too,” Lacy said.

It turned out everyone wanted ice so I bought the ice trays to the table and added a few to my cup. I brought the soda to the table to be extra helpful.

“So what are you girls’ plans for the night?” Joy’s mom asked.

“Play some more games?” Joy asked.

Most of the girls shrugged and nodded.

If we continued playing “games” like we were, I wasn’t sure I would survive the night.

The soda stung as it slid down my throat. I couldn’t believe that her parent’s we—

“Oops,” Sam said. She had dropped a slice of pizza on her nightgown. I only knew because there was a large red streak going down it.

She pulled the nightgown out so she could see the damage. “No, no, no!” she screeched, got up from the table, and ran down the hall.

I glanced at Joy but she was looking in the direction that Sam went. Lacy, Gina, and Joy got up and chased after her.

Alyx and I shared a moment as we watched each other. I wasn’t sure what to do and when she continued eating I hesitated.

“Why did she get so upset?” I asked.

“She has a hard time getting clothes that fit her,” Alyx said. She had this apathetic tone to her voice that confused me.

“Oh. Should I…?” I asked.

Alyx and Joy’s parents didn’t say anything.

I got up and strode off after the girls.

***
Joy’s house was big and finding the girls was harder than I thought it was going to be. I checked Joy’s room first but when I didn’t see them I went back downstairs. They ended up being down the hall from the dining room. If it weren’t for the sound of the water I probably would have just walked right by.

I knocked on what I assumed was a bathroom door. It creaked open and Gina peeked up at me.

“It’s Walker,” Gina said.

Gina and Joy swapped positions. Joy slipped out of the bathroom blocking my view while closing the door behind her.

“Is she okay?” I asked.

Joy nodded. “She only has one nightgown and no other pajamas.”

“Yeah, Alyx told me. She didn’t seem to care though.”

“Alyx is the only girl that’s not like the rest of us.”

I tilted my head. “What do you mean?”

“You know…”

“A misfit?”

She nodded.

Lacy popped her head out of the door. “Hey, can we get a fan?”

“Sure,” Joy said and darted down the hall.

Lacy and I shared a look before she closed the door on me.

***
Joy came back but not before I took a seat next to the door. She awkwardly carried a box fan into the bathroom without saying a word.

I was still a little hungry but didn’t want to be anywhere near her parents. The whole situation creeped me out. I wanted nothing more than to leave but getting Joy in trouble was one of the last things I wanted to do.

After around ten minutes of sitting there, I started to get antsy. I was about to get up when Alyx walked down the hall and sat next to me.

“Hey?” I asked.

She grunted.

Alyx and I met last year when we were forced to work together in science class. She didn’t say much until I started letting her take over the experiment. She didn’t want that much responsibility but I usually defaulted to letting someone else take over. It mostly stemmed from me being insecure.

I glanced at Alyx. “Why are you so…”

“What?” she asked.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “Pissed off?”

“You would be too if you were me.”

“What do you mean?”

Alyx’s head swung in my direction.“Every sleepover this happens. If it’s not Sam it’s Gina if it’s not Gina it’s Jane. I’m fucking tired of it.”

What could I say? I’d only met most of them that day.

Jane, I’d met freshman year. Well not so much “met”. We sat next to each other in English. She’d used me as a passthrough to send notes to her friend. It was probably the only reason she even knew my name.

My friends were having a sleepover too, and they were playing Diablo. We’d all pitched in to get the game. Two people could play at once and we’d even made a turn list. James and I were supposed to share a sorcerer character. They were playing that between the D&D tournament Steve was running.

We sat in awkward silence for another ten minutes before the girls came out of the room. A gust of air and a humming sound followed them.
Sam avoided eye contact while Gina and Lacy walked with her to the stairs.

Joy offered Alyx and me a hand. I took her hand while Alyx ignored her. As Joy pulled me up, Alyx got up on her own.

The two girls exchanged a look, and then they turned to the hallway.

After Sam, Lacy, and Gina disappeared around the corner, Alyx said, “What the hell!”

“I’m sor—”

“This is the fourth sleepover in a row, Joy!”

The buzz from the fan distracted me.

Joy gestured down the hallway. “They have some prob—”

Alyx stomped her foot. “Some problems?”

Joy crossed her arms in front of her. “Don’t be a bit—”

“Are you going to shut that off?” I asked.

“Bitch!” Joy continued.

“Don’t call me a bitch!”

“I’m not calling you a bi—”

“Can you please shut that off?” I asked.

Both girls turned to me. “What!” they chorused.

I pointed at the bathroom.

They, in turn, looked at it and then back at me.

“What the fuck, Walker?” Is what I heard behind me as I pushed through them. The fan was leaning against the wall, so I knelt down, turned it off, and pulled out the plug.

When I stood up there were two very angry-looking girls staring at me.

“What?” I asked.

***

Chapter 4 Made Over

I crossed my arms which made me aware of my boobs so I put my hands down to my hips and balled them up. “You just can’t leave it running!”

Alyx stared me down. “You didn’t have to push through us to shut it off!”

Being defensive wasn’t my usual but I couldn’t let it go. Not with the shit, I went through growing up.

“Why do you care if the fan’s on anyway?” Joy asked.

“If there’s no one in the room the fan doesn’t need to be on. That’s all,” I said.

Alyx leaned in. “Ask us to move or something next time.” She backed up and shook her head. “Jesus H.”

I put my head down. They didn’t understand.

“Let's just go back upstairs,” Joy said.

“What about pizza?” Alyx asked.

“Shit.” Joy pressed her fingers against her eyes and then removed them. “I’ll go talk to the other girls and you two go back in there.”

In protest, I leaned against the wall and looked away.

Alyx didn’t wait and walked down the hall toward the dining room.

Joy joined me. “You know, that was really rude.”

“What?” I asked.

“We were talking an—”

“It’s important!”

“Why, why is it so important? It's just a fan, Walk—”

“It just is, okay!”

Joy put her hands up. “Can you at least wait in the dining room with Alyx?”

The thought of going back into the room with her parents and Alex made my stomach churn. “Can I go with you?”

"Whatever, let's go,” Joy said.

She led us to her room where Lacey, Gina, and Sam were sitting on her bed.

“Hey,” Joy said.

The girls turned to us.

“You okay?" I asked. I knew what Sam was going through and if Joy was telling the truth then the girls here felt the same way.

Sam squinted at me. “Like you care. You’re probably laughi—”

“Sam,” Joy said.

“He doesn’t know what I’m goi—”

“Yeah, I do,” I said.

“As if,” Gabby said.

“Yeah, as if,” Lacy copied her.

“What do you mean, Walker?” Joy asked.

I took a step toward Sam. “None of the clothes I want to wear fit me.”

“Your clothes fit fine or at least they fit me fine,” Alyx said from the door.

Joy and I turned to look at her.

Alyx, Joy, and I were around the same size so I got what she meant. She was still wrong though. “Those are girls' jeans,” I said.

“Really?” Joy asked.

I nodded. “I had to get the shirt two sizes too big or else these show.” I pointed to my chest. “So, just like her, I have t—”

“So your clothes are custom made?” Sam asked.

“Some of them.” I pointed at the pile of my clothes. “Like the binder.”

Alyx cleared her throat and looked at Joy. “Oh, your parents wanted us to come back downstairs.”

Joy let out a sigh. “You okay to go back down?” she asked Sam.

Sam shrugged.

Trying to pass as a girl was making my stomach a mess. Not like it's been that hard, I told myself and then regretted it.

I lifted my hand to my forehead and took a deep breath.

Joy put her hand on my shoulder. “You two can stay up there if you want?”

“I’m still hungry,” Alyx said.

Sam’s and my eyes met. She stared at me for a moment and then got up.

With that, the rest of the girls got up and we all went downstairs.

***
We sat at the dinner table again. Joy’s parents had vacated the area, luckily. Her dad was in the living room, and her mom disappeared somewhere in the house.

“After you’re finished, your mom and I have something we want to show you,” her dad shouted.

A yell came from down the hall. “You don’t have to yell, Mark.”

“Sorry!” he yelled back.

I laughed along with some of the girls. Joy rolled her eyes.

Sam was at the table and eyeing her pizza, too afraid to eat it. Her eyes shot up and she reached over the table and grabbed the pile of napkins. She opened up several of them and lay them across her lap and stuffed them in the top of her nightgown.

That’s one way to keep your clothes clean, I thought.

I was still a bit nervous but was keeping my mouth shut so I didn’t have to do the weird high-pitched voice. My pizza sat there. I poked a finger into it, testing the temperature. Cold.

“Wanna warm it up?” Joy asked.

I nodded.

She pointed to the kitchen. “There’s a microwave right there.”

The microwave controls were pretty standard. The only real difference was that it looked really expensive.

All of the girls were pretty quiet which was the opposite of how they had been most of the night.

When I got back to the table Joy put her hand on my leg and smiled at me. I put my hand over hers and smiled back.

“We going to play some more games tonight?” asked Lacy.

“Depends,” Joy said.

Alyx leaned back. “Depends on what?”

“If Wal—” She paused for a moment and cleared her throat. “If Kennedi wants to join us,” Joy said.

I made my face express. “What the heck?”

Joy squeezed my hand and whispered, “You’ll just have to wait and find out.”

I sneered at her and stuck my tongue out. She did the same back.

“Get a room,” said Gina.

A thump came from under the table, then another.

I had to see what was going on so I took a peek. Joy and Gina were kicking at each other.

Joy hit Lacy.

“Hey!” Lacy said.

My hand instantly went over my mouth to cover my smirk.

“Don’t laugh!” Lacy said.

I felt something hit my nightgown. I tried to spread my legs but my clothing was getting in the way, so I turned toward Joy. “Fancy meeting you here,” I said to Joy as I revealed my face.

A quick glance in Lacy’s direction told me she wasn’t happy. I grabbed my pizza and took a big bite.

Joy rolled her eyes and giggled.

As I finished the slice of pizza I caught a glimpse of Sam eating hers. Her bites were so small and she used both hands.

For some reason, my mind pulled up an image of someone breaking my binder so I couldn’t use it anymore and shivered. My stomach was pretty full or I was nervous because I didn’t feel like eating anymore.

Alyx, Lacy, and Gina had one more piece and they were finished before Sam was. No one tried to hurry her. Joy on the other hand didn’t have another slice she just finished the one she had leftover like me.

“Are you gonna tell me what we’re gonna play?” I asked.

Joy smiled and shook her head.

Alyx stared at me.

I threw my arms up.

She tapped her throat.

I’d completely forgotten about talking like them. I nodded at her and mouthed, “Thank you.”

She smiled, which threw me off a little.

“Done,” Sam said.

The wooden chair I was sitting in made a rubbing sound as I scooted back to get up. The girls' chairs made the same noise.

“Hey, are you all done?” said Joy’s dad. He’d somehow gotten into the dining room without me noticing.

“Yup,” Joy said as she picked up her plate and put it in the garbage.

“Heather!” Joy’s dad yelled down the hall. “She’s ready!”

“On my way!” came her mom’s answer.

The girls and I took the time to throw away our plates too.

Joy’s mom came striding in with her hands behind her back.

“Shoot, can you hold on a minute? I forgot that I need to call someone,” Joy’s dad said.

He pulled out a small device and opened it up and tapped on it.

What the heck is that?

Something behind Joy’s mom started ringing. She pulled her hand forward and flipped open another device that looked just like Joy’s dads. “Hello?” she said.

I glanced at Joy and her mouth was stuck open.

Joy pointed at her mom. “She gets one!” she screeched.

“Oh, I’m sorry I think you have the wrong number,” Joy’s mom said and tapped on what I figured was probably a cell phone.

She made several quick taps on the phone and another ringing sound came from behind her. She pulled out a third device and walked over to Joy. “I think it’s for you.”

Joy screeched and ran in place for a minute. When she finished she grabbed the phone and hugged her mom. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she said and then ran over to her dad giving him a hug. After she let go she clasped the phone against her chest and gave me a big smile.

I was jealous. My family didn’t even have one cell phone, let alone three. Heck, I was lucky to have a PC. My dad was a heavy equipment operator and worked at a landfill. We lucked out two years ago after a big earthquake hit. The local mall’s ceiling collapsed and they had to throw everything away, including new PCs. Dad brought home some parts and used them to build a couple of computers.

I was supposed to get a new line in my room next week so I didn’t have to run a phone cord across the house. The things I do to get on the Internet.

For a while, we only had one PC. It was older than dirt and I had to insert a disk just to use it.

“Happy early birthday,” Joy’s mom said.

“My birthday’s not for like another four months, mom,” Joy said.

Joy’s mom shrugged and smiled at her.

The girls surrounded Joy, trying to get a look at her present. I followed but kept my distance. Getting that close to Joy’s parents made me nervous.

“Let's go upstairs!” Joy said and darted off toward the stairs.

The girls chased after her, and I was left alone with her parents. Joy’s dad shifted his head in the direction of the stairs.

I got the hint, and took off after them.

***
When I got in the room, Joy was on her bed screeching as she beat her legs against the mattress.

I stood in the doorway for a moment and tried to feel happy for her.

My parents barely got by and both worked full-time jobs. The only time I got presents was on my birthday or Christmas.

Mom had a lot of brothers and they usually got me something. With so many family members around, I always felt spoiled on those days.

Joy eventually calmed down and showed the phone to her friends. “Come look, Kennedi!” she said and waved me over.

She had called me Kennedi when she didn’t have to, which made me a little uncomfortable. I closed the door hoping she wouldn’t call me that anymore and walked over to her.

The girls moved out of the way so I could join them. Gina looped an arm through mine and clenched. I looked down at her and she looked excited which meant she wasn’t trying to hurt me.

She looked up at me and bounced a little. Her smile was infectious and soon enough, she had me smiling. She made me feel included and that felt really good.

Joy had her hand out showing off the phone. The phone was smaller than any cell phone I’d ever seen before. Normally, they were the size of a chocolate bar but like four times as thick. This one fit in the palm of her hand. It was branded with “StarTAC” on the front. She flipped it open and we peered at it. It had all the standard buttons and some extra ones on the bottom.

“What are those?” I asked, pointing at the extra buttons.

She went through all the buttons telling us what they did. “Daddy got one last month as an early preview and he told me all about it.”

“If I steal it you won’t be mad, right?” Alyx asked.

The phone went directly to Joy’s chest as she covered it up. Then she squinted at Alyx.

“Kidding!” Alyx said and then mumbled something I couldn’t hear.

“It’s so cool!” Gina said.

“I hope my dad will get me one!” Lacy said.

“H-how much is it?” I asked.

Joy put a finger to her cheek. “I think a thousand.”

“Dollars? Holy shit!” Alyx said.

I gasped. “Is there gold in that thing or something?”

Joy rolled her eyes.

“It looks so small,” Sam said.

“That’s what she said!” Lacy quipped.

Sam glared at Lacy obviously unimpressed.

“So, what game are we going to play?” asked Alyx.

“Hmmm,” Joy said as she got up.

She was staring at me. Gina let go of my arm and backed off.

“Well… I wanted to finish what we were doing earlier,” she said with a smile.

I swallowed hard. “W-what did you want to f-finish?” I asked.

“I… uhm, set the clothes you were wearing aside,” Joy pointed at a pile of clothes on her dresser. “And wanted to do a full makeover.”

“You want me to pass out again don’t you?” I asked but it wasn’t a question.

Joy swung over to my side and put her arm through mine like Gina had done. “I promise we’ll give you some space.”

I was already in a bra, panties, and a nightgown. If she was being honest about giving me some space I could probably do it. “One condition,” I said.

“What?” Lacy said.

“Put a sign on the door saying for them to knock first before coming in. I don’t like being surprised.”

“Done.” Joy said.

***
“But whyyy?” I whined.

“Because it’ll look weird if you don’t!” Joy said.

“Fine.” I stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door.

“Just grab a new razor from the bottom drawer,” a muffled sounding Joy said.

“I better get sex for this,” I grumbled.

***
“See isn’t that so much better?” Alyx said.

I glared at her.

“Don’t look at me like that. You’re the one who agreed to do it,” she said over the hairdryer.

Gina aimed the hairdryer at the back of my neck getting all of the little hairs. She was combing my hair as she dried it out. I’d never had anyone comb and dry my hair before. The barbers were usually pretty rough with me but Gina was delicate, making the whole experience enjoyable.

“Annnd done!” Gina said as she shut it off.

She immediately grabbed one of my hands and pulled me over to the closet mirror. The other girls came over to the mirror and joined us.

“See, now your hair’s not all oily looking,” Alyx said.

She was right but I didn’t have to like it. It looked really soft, softer than I’d ever felt it before. I was only in a bra and panties because Joy didn’t want me to get the nightgown wet.

I looked down at my legs, it was weird seeing them hairless. I didn’t have much down there to begin with but it still felt strange especially when my legs rubbed together. “Can I put clothes on now?” I asked.

“Should she wear the same thing or something different?” Lacy asked.

The room was suddenly a blur of girls running back and forth putting different garments up to me and making comments. Weirdly it made me feel less naked.

“How about the black one?” Alyx asked. She pulled a black skirt from Joy’s closet.

Joy gave it a once over. “That could work.”

Lacy brought out a yellow top. “Would this go well with it?”

Gina sneered. “Eww, not unless you want her to look like a bumblebee.”

They kept calling me she and her but they ran back into the closet to find something new every time I tried to bring it up. I gave up after trying and failing to tell him about four times.

“This white one is nice,” Gina said after displaying it over my chest.

Alyx made a feminine swish with her hand. “That is a good one!” She shoved the clothes into my arms. “Put on this one and this one.”

I stood there for a moment holding them.

“Oh,” Joy said as she pulled the skirt from my hands and handed it to Alyx. “Put the blouse on first.”

The hanger was in the way so I took it out and tossed it behind me. Gina and Lacy giggled. It was a bit smaller than the top I had on earlier and I heard the stitching snap somewhere. “I think it’s too small,” I said.

Joy pulled my arms up. “Keep your arms up and I’ll pull it down.” She slid the blouse down and over my chest. It was really tight and didn’t completely cover my stomach. Instinctively my arms covered it instead.

“Now put this one on,” Alyx said as she handed me the skirt.

I slowly removed the hanger and dropped it. The skirt was short and it felt as if I was stepping into a small tube.

When I pulled it up to cover my belly Joy slapped my hand. “No. It goes down here on your hips.” She pulled it down so my stomach was showing. “You don’t want people to see your crotch.”

I’d never worn clothing that showed any skin. Other than the more conservative outfit they’d had me in earlier.

I turned to them. “Can’t I just wear pants and a t-shirt?” I was pretty sure I had seen a baggy flannel in there as well.

“This first, then you can try the grunge girl look,” Alyx said.

Any ‘girl look’ wasn’t something I wanted to be wearing but at least grunge was closer to something I might wear at school.

“Put these on,” Joy said as she stuffed what looked like large socks into my hands.

“What are the—”

“Stockings. Over here.” She led me over to the bed where I sat down. “Ball them up first so you can get your foot in easily.” She took one of them from me and demonstrated. “Like this. See?”

I nodded, did what she asked, and pulled it up my leg. The fabric was sock-like, but thinner, and gave me that weird feeling like when I rubbed my legs together.

She handed me the other one still bunched up. The second one went on easier than the first one but I spent a little time straightening them out.

When I was finished I looked up at Joy.

Joy pulled my legs together. “Close these.”

“Wh—”

“So people don’t see you down there,” she replied.

I tilted my head in confusion. “But you’ve all already se—”

“When you’re in a skirt that’s just what you do okay?” She smiled at me.

Before I could say anything she had my hands and helped me up. She led me back to the closet where the girls were still looking through Joy’s clothes and putting them up against themselves.

“Is this the one?” Gina asked.

I looked at Gina. “One wh—”

“I think so!” Lacy interrupted.

“We could probably do better but she looks good in that,” Alyx said.

“Good enough,” Joy said.

“Come sit over here,” Sam said.

The girls led me to the vanity with a mirror. On top was a big case with a bunch of makeup in it. Sam pushed me down into the chair. “I’ll do your makeup.”

“Wait I didn’t agree to makeup!” I screeched. I wasn’t sure if I was more surprised that I screeched or that I actually got a complete sentence out.

“What did you think a makeover was?” Alyx asked.

“I don’t know…” I shrugged. “Not makeup?”

Alyx pushed my shoulder. “Sweetie you have so much to learn.”

I looked to Joy for sympathy.

“Don’t worry. It’s all just for fun,” she said.

Maybe she had misread my face or something because I wasn’t having fun at all.

“Now close your legs and let Sam work some magic,” Joy said.

They turned me around so I couldn’t see what I looked like. That in itself was a small torture. Sam’s directions were simple: close my eyes when she asked, look up when she asked or turn from side to side. She, of course, annoyed me by tying up my hair above my head.

It seemed like it took forever for her to apply it all. When she got to the lipstick it was like this was all suddenly real. “Wait,” I said.

Sam uncapped the lipstick. “This is the la—”

I got up, pulled the band holding my hair up off, tossed it on the vanity, and went directly into the bathroom. Gina was in there putting on makeup. I pushed past her, climbed into the tub, closed the curtain, and covered my ears so I could drown out the complaints.

***

Chapter 5 Curiosity

The world, while I had my ears covered, was slightly different. It was quieter, of course, but the silence, over time, brought a stillness. It was like life was less harsh somehow.

Shower curtains pushed against my back and two big feet stepped into the bathtub. When I looked up, Sam was standing there. I scooted away from her.

She sat on the other side of the tub. It was an extremely weird experience sitting in a tub with someone so big in—

Suddenly an image of a tiny me, bathing with my parents came to mind. Maybe it’s not so strange? I thought.

I turned to see if Gina was still behind me. No one was there and the door was closed.

Sam motioned for me to remove my hands. If I didn’t listen to her I wasn’t sure what she was going to do to me. I was hesitant but removed them. It was still quiet.

“Do you really have to get custom clothes?” she asked.

I sighed. “Yeah.”

“Almost all of mine are handmade.”

When I took a peek at her she wasn’t looking at me. She was staring at her nightgown. I knew she was just trying to distract me from the stuff they were doing to me.

“Why ar—”

“Which clothes do you have to get modified?” she interrupted.

“Uhm.” I looked down. “We usually buy clothes that are too big for me. Then we will fix them so that they fit me without really changing how they look.”

“Who fixes them?”

“My mom.”

“My Aunt makes mine.”

I nodded.

We sat there for a while letting the silence overtake us.

“Do they really trust you enough to have the door closed?” I asked.

“Yeah.”

That seemed like a lot of trust to give a friend. My friends were trustworthy, but I didn’t know that I would trust many of them to be alone with my girlfriend.

“Walker.”

I looked up at her.

“If you don’t want us to do this anymore we won’t. I’ll make them stop.”

There was no doubt in my mind that she could too. “It’s not— I mean, they keep calling me her, and she.”

Sam looked at me. She was really beautiful. Her red hair kept getting in front of her blue eyes, and every so often she had to tuck it behind an ear. “I can talk to them about it if you want?”

“Over the last year I’ve been petrified I’d be called a girl. Even as the changes were happening I was afraid to tell my mom because I didn’t want her calling me a girl.”

“Are girls that bad?” The full brunt of Sam’s stare was on me as she leaned back.

“I like girls but…”

“You don’t want to be one?”

I nodded.

“I wish I wasn’t a girl.”

The hell? “What?”

“If I were this tall as a guy no one would care.”

“But, you’re so pretty.”

Sam crossed her arms. “Well, so are you!”

I hadn’t expected that and wasn’t sure if it was a compliment or her snapping at me. “Why do they want to dress me up?” I asked.

She shrugged. “Maybe because you’re a guy and look like that?”

I rubbed my toes against the soft surface of the bathtub. It felt pretty weird. “Why don’t you want to be a girl?”

“The clothes, the hair, the…”

“What?” I asked.

“Periods.”

“What are those like?”

She put her head against her knees.

“That bad?”

Sam sat up and looked at me again. “It hurts for like a week and then the…” She gagged. “The blood.”

“I’m glad I won’t get them,” I said.

“Are you sure? That you won’t get them, I mean.”

I wasn’t sure so I shrugged. “With how my life’s been going I probably will.” A tear inched down my face.

“The crying too. I hate it,” Sam said as tears formed and fell from her eyes.

“I hate crying too.”

Sam wiped her eyes. “Sometimes, I’ll even cry at stupid commercials.”

“I know! Every time I do it, it reminds me of what I am. I hate it.” I wiped away my tears and rubbed my eyes.

“Walker?”

“Hmmm?”

“Wha- I mean, did you get tests done at the doctors? Like x-rays or something?”

“I think x-rays are for bones,” I said. “They looked at me down below but I never got scanned or anything. I’m supposed to get an MRI next week.”

She nodded.

“You’re a co—”

“I’m sorr—” we interrupted each other.

“You first,” I said.

“You’re a cool guy, Walker.”

I shrugged. “Thanks.”

“What were you gonna say?”

“Oh, I’m sorry about earlier.”

“What about earlier?”

“Like, when I was looking up at you.”

She nodded. “Everyone does it.”

“It’s not right though,” I said.

It was weird being this close to a girl other than my family. My sisters and I usually yelled at each other more than we actually sat down and talked. Joy and I hadn’t done the whole cuddle thing and we didn’t really hang out together at lunch. Our relationship was more of an away from school sort of thing where we went to the movies or out to eat.

Sam didn’t say anything for a while.

I looked down at my legs covered up to the thigh with the long socks or leggings— whatever they had called them. I ran my hand up and down my leg. It was so soft, and the fabric felt strange against my newly shaved legs.

“We do this a lot, you know,” she finally said.

“Do what?”

“Dress up and mess with makeup.”

“I have two sisters, I know. Why are they doing it to me though?”

She shrugged. “We don’t ever get to dress up a guy like us.”

That made at least some sense.

“Want me to make them stop?” she asked again.

As I was about to respond I stopped myself. This whole thing was so crazy that I didn’t know what to do. On one hand, it seemed that I was making friends with at least one of these girls. On the other hand, I was being forced to confront my body's changes.

Be brave, Walker. “I-I g-guess we can keep going,” I said, as I tried to be brave.

Sam leaned back, her mouth agape. “Are you sure?”

I shrugged. “Maybe you can ask them to not call me her and she so much?”

A knock came from the door followed by a muffled “I gotta go.”

***
Sam stood and offered me her hands. I took them and she pulled me up. Watching her duck to get under the shower curtain pole was entertaining even though it shouldn’t have been.

Gina was at the door and was the person who had “to go.”

When we got back into Joy’s room I avoided eye contact with everyone and returned to the seat in front of the vanity. My gaze never met the mirror. I didn’t dare look.

Sam grabbed the hairband I discarded, put my hair up again, and started cleaning my face off with a wipe. It smelled so bad.

I stopped her. “You can keep goi—”

“You messed it up so I have to fix it,” she said.

I looked down at my hands. They had little black marks all over them. “Oh.”

Sam smiled at me and tossed me a small wet wipe.

I cleaned my hands with it. “So gross,” I said.

Joy sat on the side of her bed closest to the vanity. “Are you okay?”

I nodded.

Joy’s gaze went to my legs, and I closed them.

Sam stopped for a moment and sat next to Joy. She whispered something to her. As Sam finished, Joy’s eyes went wide and she looked at me.

Sam got up and went back to the makeup box.

Joy mouthed, “Sorry.”

I gave her my best pathetic look.

Joy got up and joined Alyx by the closet. I couldn’t hear them. Eventually, Alyx nodded and Joy moved on to Lacy and did the same thing.

Sam repeated what she was doing earlier to my face. It was much faster this time around but I didn’t know why. The whole time I kept glancing at the lipstick on the vanity as it mocked me. Are girls that bad?

I wasn’t sure why I was so afraid of being called a girl. I had girl parts and boy parts. It should have been easy to flow between both if I wanted. Right? If only it were that easy. I had to work so hard to pull off the boy thing and I wasn’t sure how successful I was. Perhaps I’d ask the girls later.

“Okay,” Sam said and picked up the dreaded lipstick. “You ready for this?”

It’s not permanent, I told myself and nodded.

As she brought it toward my face I felt my body start to shake. It was smooth as she applied it to my upper lip. For some reason, my brain decided it would feel chalky or something like that.

Sam told me to pucker so I complied. The lipstick glided along my bottom lip but she ended up having to make several dabbing moves. When she finished she folded a tissue paper, placed it between my lips, and told me to press.

After I did that she nodded at me. “It’s done.”

The chair I was sitting on swiveled and I was suddenly looking at a girl in the mirror. Joy, Alyx, and Lacy walked up behind me.

“See, pretty,” Alyx said as she pointed at me.

She wasn’t lying. It was scary how right she was.

“Is that really me?” I asked as the girl in the mirror copied my movements. My heart picked up speed.

Joy spun the chair so I faced her. “Here, come look,” and reached her hands out.

Before I took her hands I had to have another glance at myself. The girl staring back at me looked surprised. Her eyes were wide and her lips slightly parted. Her face looked as smooth as any of the girls I saw at school.

Joy pulled me to my feet, led me away from the vanity, and brought me to her closet so I could look at my whole body.

The skirt I was wearing looked even shorter than I remembered. At least the leggings made me feel as if something was covered up. My belly button was completely exposed which I was really uncomfortable with for some reason.

“She’s so pretty!” Gina screeched from behind me.

I turned to look at her. She was in the doorway of the bathroom staring at me.

Sam immediately walked over to her and told her about my preference to not be called a girl.

“Stand like this,” Alyx said as she pushed my hips to the side. “Your arm goes here.” She moved my hand to my skirt. “What do you think?”

The pose she put me in made me look like one of the girls from a magazine. I wasn't as skinny as they were but it was eerily close.

What could you say to something so weird? A little voice in my head kept muttering, “You're a boy!” over and over again. The evidence in front of me said otherwise though and I was almost okay with it.

I'd never really stood out as a guy. My immensely baggy clothes probably didn’t help but I was so tired of having to hide my body. The fact that I could just slip on some clothes and look this good made me feel relieved which confused the hell out of me. “It's nice,” I finally replied.

“Let's try something else on her— I mean on Kennedi,” Lacy said.

Calling me Kennedi wasn’t much better than calling me her but at least it was something that I was used to.

“What time is it?” Alyx asked.

Joy turned, glancing at her bed, and then back at Alyx. “10:30.”

I separated myself from the group and closed in on the mirror to get a better look at my face.

Sam used a lot of browns which was the style I’d seen most girls wearing. My lips were mostly red but there was brown in it as well. I was so… I hated to think it, pretty.

When I turned to the girls behind me my heartbeat quickened in my ears. “C-can we try another one?”

“You’re blushing!” Lacy yelled.

Gina and Sam rushed over, joining us.

Joy’s eyebrows tilted down. “You want to try another outfit?”

Everyone watched me when I gave her a slight nod.

Joy and I continued staring at each other while Alyx, Gina, and Lacy rushed to the closet to look for my next outfit.

Our gazes stayed locked for I didn’t know how long.

I was the first to break the standoff and switched it to my feet. She hates m—.

Joy put her hand on my chin and lifted my face. When our eyes met again she closed in and hugged me.

***
The worst part about the whole situation was that I didn’t know how this might affect my relationship with Joy. It was still new and we’d only been out on a few dates. Those went well but I wondered how she would feel after the night was over.

I also wondered how much her friends affected her decision-making. My friends were a big influence on me. I knew that for sure.

“Ouch!” I said.

The top was too small for me like I’d said earlier. We were having a hard time removing it. Introspection while stuck inside of a shirt. My brain had picked the wrong time to mull this stuff over.

“Suck it in!” Alyx said.

“Suck what in?” I yelled.

I inhaled deeply, took a step back, and a sharp pain radiated from my arms. Then the shirt suddenly popped off. My whole world spun for a moment as I tried to catch my breath. I’d already passed out once today and I didn’t want to do it again.

“You okay?” Joy asked.

I put up a finger for her to wait a few seconds. After everything stopped spinning I was able to nod.

“Do you get dizzy a lot?” she asked.

“Got out of having to take PE because of it,” I said. “It was before all this”—I gestured at my body—“happened. So I sort of lucked out.”

“What happened? I mean why do you get dizzy?” Lacy asked.

“Long story,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh,” she replied.

Anxiety began to build as I stood there in underwear and a bra. It took a lot of resolve to not cover up but I somehow pushed that self-consciousness away. If I wanted to see myself in more clothes I’d have to keep my cool. No matter how much I felt like running away and screaming into the night.

“What do I wear next?” I asked, changing the subject. If they were paying attention to the clothes they wouldn’t be staring at me.

“Oh, this,” Gina said, turned to the bed, and grabbed a purple top.

I seriously hoped that one wasn’t as tight as the last one.

Joy broke off from us and took Sam into the bathroom with her. They closed the door which had me a little worried.

“Here you go,” Gina said and handed me the shirt.

This one was quite a bit easier to get on, which I was thankful for. It wasn’t as fancy as the last one but its bust line was really low. Low enough that I actually saw my breasts pushed up from the bra I was wearing. “Does it have to be so low?” I asked.

“What? This one covers your stomach,” Alyx said.

“No, I mean up here,” and pointed to my chest.

“It’s really cute, don’t worry. This goes with it,” Alyx said and handed me another black skirt. This one was much longer than the other one.

“How far do I pull this up?” I asked as I stepped into it.

“This one you can just tuck your top in,” Gina said and helped pull it up. “Turn around.”

I complied and she zipped up the zipper.

“How do you wear this stuff—” My body jerked backward as Gina did something behind me, “without someone helping you?”

“Oh, it’s easy, you get used to it,” Lacy said.

Alyx placed her hands on my shoulders, turned me around, and walked me closer to the mirror. “What do you think?”

The outfit was cute and the black and purple went especially well together. If it weren’t for the low top it would have been great. I did however like how the skirt flared out a bit right above my knees. I gave my hips a small turn, and watched the fabric twist. It was somehow satisfying.

“No, do this,” Alyx said and grabbed me by the hips and pushed to one side.

My body shifted.

“Now the other way.” She pushed. “Like this.”

My skirt and hips flung to the side getting some serious air. “Whoa,” I said.

“Put your arms up like this.” Alyx raised her arms so her elbows were about chin level and shifted her butt to the right. “Then you just do what we just did real slow.” She demonstrated as her lower body swung from left to right. When her hips hit the apex of each swing she snapped her fingers. “And that’s a slow dance.”

Lacy and Gina stood next to me and copied Alyx.

“C’mon you try,” Gina said.

Getting into the rhythm was hard for me. I did my best though and eventually, we all were in sync for a few thrusts.

“You did it!” Lacy screeched.

Gina jumped up and down while grabbing my arm. “Good job!”

Their enthusiasm was intoxicating and I couldn’t resist being excited too. “Let's do some more!” I said.

Alyx sat on Joy’s bed while Gina, Lacy, and I practiced the dance together. More than a few times we synced up and it felt really good.

Sam and Joy came out of the bathroom and I waved to the mirror.

Joy gestured at me, her mouth wide open, and she rushed right back into the bathroom. Sam backed up watching me for a few seconds before following Joy and closing the door.

I stopped and stared at the closed door.

Shit.

***

Chapter 6 Fractured

My knuckles rapped against the wood. “Joy?” I asked.

No answer.

“What happened?” Lacy said. She was still over by the mirror with Gina.

Gina shrugged.

I knocked again. “You didn’t see how she looked at me?”

The door opened. It was Sam. “She needs time to think, Walker.”

I tried to look past her but Sam was too big. “I’m sorry Joy!” I yelled. “I’ll take all this junk off.” I pulled part of the top I was wearing out from my skirt.

Sam grabbed my wrist. “Just wait okay. I’ll talk to her.” She let go of me and then closed the door.

My whole body was frozen. I stared at the spot where Sam was. A part of me wanted to put my ear to the door so I could listen.

“Kennedi?” someone asked. They seemed so far away. Everything seemed far away.

I'd never had a relationship last this long and I didn’t want to screw it up. How can I fix thi—

“Comere.” they said again and dragged me to the bed.

A hand appeared in front of my eyes and snapped. It was only an annoyance so I pushed it away. I kept my eyes on the door. Someone stepped in front of me. What the hel—

Lacy shook my shoulders. “Earth to Walker!”

I sneered at her. “Leave me alone!”

“Don't look at me like that!” she pushed me and I fell backward onto the bed.

Part of me wanted to give up but another part wanted to watch for Joy. If we broke up it wouldn’t be the first time I’d lost a girlfriend. This couldn’t end worse than Missy Harkins and my breakup last year. The details of which I didn’t want to think about.

My mind shifted to Lacy and Gina and what we were doing moments before Joy interrupted us. Was I really dancing like a girl, in a skirt? The experience was so new and so unexpectedly… enjoyable. Am I gay? I pushed the thought out of my head. Being gay was social suicide.

You didn’t like it. I lied to myself. You’re a boy.

I looked at my chest and the low-cut top I was wearing. Tell that to them. The whole situation was so shitty. Why can’t I just have a normal birthday? Mom didn’t really like celebrating birthdays but I always saw the big celebrations in movies. It always made me so jealous.

The girls were staring at me as I curled up.

Alyx pushed me on my side. “Your panties were showing.”

My panties. I felt as if I should be grossed out but instead felt nothing at all. Do clothes even matter?

I knew the answer. They did. Especially if I wanted any sort of relationship with my friends. Vic was cool and would probably blow it off if he ever saw me dressed as I was. Steve probably wouldn’t care. He was always making sure we were having fun and being nice to each other.
Johnny was new to our friend group and I didn’t know much about him. Nick was an old friend but he could be an ass sometimes.

The person I was really worried about was Rich. He was a clean freak like his parents who also happened to be really religious.

I wondered what they were doing, then I remembered the tournament, sat up, and let my legs dangle off the bed.

“Can I use the phone?” I asked Alyx.

She shrugged and pointed at the phone on Joy’s nightstand.

As I was getting up Lacy screeched, “Don’t call a ride!”

“You’re fun,” Gina said.

Weirdly they made me feel a bit better. “I’m just gonna check in on my friends.” In reality, I just wanted to see how the game was going and distract myself.

I rushed over to the phone and dialed Rich's number.

“Newman residence.” It was Rich's mom.

“Hey Mrs. Newman, is Vic there?”

There was a pause.

“One minute.” I heard the phone being set on the counter. “Vic, there's some girl on the phone for you.”

Am I still using that stupid voice? It was weird how easy it was to just fall into.

The phone scratched and a bewildered Vic asked, “Hello?”

I cleared my throat. “Heyyy?” I drew out.

“Oh, it's you, what the?” Vic said.

“How's the game going?” I asked.

“Who is it?” someone on the other side of the phone asked.

Vic said, “It's Walker.”

“Ha! Your mom called him a girl!” someone said.

Has to be Nick. I thought.

“Vic?”

“What's up? Something go wrong? Need a ride?”

If only he knew just how much had gone horribly wrong. “Nope, just seeing how the games going?”

Vic whispered, “Alone with a girl and you call us?”

“She's in the bathroom dude. You know how long girls take in the bathroom.”

The bed shifted behind me. I turned to look and all three girls were squinting at me. Alyx had crossed her arms.

Shit. Flashbacks of my sisters punching me repeatedly entered my brain. I mouthed, “Sorry,” while shrugging.

“I showed Nick that he shouldn’t mess with an experienced adventurer,” Vic said.

Alyx looked away while Gina and Lacy continued their glares. “Y-you what?” I said, more than a little paranoid.

Pause.

“Did she come back?” he asked.

I turned. If I couldn’t see them they couldn’t hurt me right? “No, I’m good. I missed what you said.”

“I kicked Nick’s ass.”

“Oh.” I grinned. Nick refused to play D&D with us and we had finally convinced him to give it a try last week. I hated that I was missing it, which made staying with the girls even harder. “How far did everyone get?” I asked.

“Not too far. We haven’t even found the vamps yet,” he said.

They were playing a classic campaign where the castle shifted every game. It made everything more interesting.

“Think you guys will finish tonight?”

“Dunno,” he said.

“Still picking me up tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

I fiddled with the skirt I was wearing. “About tha—”

“It's so weird,” Gina said.

I turned and put my finger to my mouth.

“Is that her?” Vic asked.

“Shit, uhh,” I didn’t know what to do. “yeah, I gotta go,” I said.

“Kay, talk to you tomorrow.”

“See ya,” I said and hung up the phone. My hand lingered there for a moment. It was nice hearing my friends' voices. They even calmed me down a little.

“What's weird?” Lacy asked.

“His voice,” Gina said.

I relinquished my hold and faced the girls. Alyx still looked perturbed. “What about my voice?”

“Like, when you were talking to your friend. Your voice got all deep. It was weird seeing you talk like that while dressed like that.”

“Bu—” The bathroom door squeaked open. “I can't talk like a girl,” I said.

Joy stepped out of the bathroom and said in a flat voice, “You fooled my mom.”

I put my hands up. “I was just doing what you guys said!”

Joy pressed her lips together. Sam came out of the bathroom and stood next to her. They glanced at each other and then back at me.
I lifted the skirt a little. “I can take all of this off, Joy. I didn’t wan—”

“Yeah, you did!” Joy said.

She was right, I did want to try on more clothes. I kept my mouth shut. This didn’t seem like it was going to end well.

Sam turned to me. “Will you come and talk with us in the bathroom?”

My head nodded but I was having trouble making my body move to get up. It eventually gave way and I moped my way through the two girls and entered the bathroom.

***
Sam closed the door and locked it. She sat down on the toilet.

I stepped into the bathtub but faced the girls. Joy was standing by the sink.

“I’m sorry,” I said. It usually worked with my family to apologize any time they were angry at me. Well, it worked with Hailey but my older sister Alice was much more unpredictable. Mom tended to have a soft spot for Hailey and I tried to treat her nice. It had scored me points with mom multiple times.

Alice was supposed to move out this year. It was going to be weird with just the three of us.

Joy sighed. “Walker.”

I looked her in her eyes. We’d only kissed a few times and I was already going to miss it. “I know,” I said.

“I can’t date a girl,” Joy said.

“I’m not a—” I stopped myself and watched the breasts on my chest heave up and down as I breathed. Tears threatened to break free from my eyes.

Joy quickly grabbed a wad of toilet paper and handed it to me.

When I pushed it against my eye black stuff was on it.

“Dab, it,” Sam said.

I found an edge and did the other eye. Much less makeup came off.

“Can we still be friends?” Joy asked.

“Y-yeah.” My voice came out shaky. I was handling this well, which surprised me. It was probably because she wasn’t yelling at me like Missy had. She broke up with me in front of my friends. Crying in front of them was really embarrassing. Nick had called me a girl that day which had pissed me off.

Joy joined me in the bathtub, put an arm around me, and leaned her head on my shoulder.

“World’s worst birthday,” I said.

Joy squeezed me tight and then let go. She scooted over a little, putting some space between us. Tears were in her eyes as well.

I offered her the TP wad.

She took it and wiped her eyes, she didn’t have makeup on so there were no smudges. “If you want to go home I can sneak you out.”

That was a good question. Should I go home? I could probably jump into the tournament with the guys. Even though Joy and I just broke up I still didn’t want her to get into trouble.

Music came on in the bedroom behind the door. It made me think of Gina and Lacy and the fun we'd had dancing. “Do you guys want me to go home?” I asked. If they didn't want me here I had no reason to stay. Well, one reason but I could always raid my Alice's stash of old clothes to do a little exploring on my own. They were for Hailey but she still had, like, a year or two till she fit in them.

“I want you to stay,” Sam said.

I looked at Joy.

She shrugged. “Is just, I thought I finally found a guy that was super nice and… and…”

Sam snorted. “She's totally got a thing for Kurt Cobain.”

They kept talking as if I weren't a guy which was making me angry. “I am a guy you know.”

Joy shot me this sympathetic look.

“No, really, look,” I said as I got up and jumped out of the tub. I nearly fell but caught my balance and rushed out the bathroom door.
Gina and Lacy were dancing again. Alyx was actually with them. Ace of Base was on the radio talking about how she wanted a baby.
I ignored the girls and scanned the room for my pants. They were next to the bed so I grabbed them and rushed back into the bathroom.
After I closed the door I dug into my pants pocket and pulled out a pill. “See,” I said.

Joy got up and I handed the pill to her.

She examined it and then gestured at my hips and chest. “Yeah, this totally makes you a boy…”

It took me a second to process her insult or doubt or whatever it was she was trying to convey. “No, it’s testosterone.”

Her eyes opened wide. “Really? How long have you been taking these?”

“Like three weeks,” I said.

Sam reached out. “Let me see.”

Joy handed it to her. “Why don’t you have it in a baggy?”

Sam spun the pill around inspecting it.

I waited for a reaction from Sam. “I dunno,” I said.

“What's it supposed to do?” asked Sam?

“Put hair on my chest?” I said. The Dr. talked about a lot of things the pill could do but for some reason, I couldn't think of them.

“Do you even want hair on your chest?” Joy asked.

I looked down at my chest and felt nothing so I struggled.

“Have you ever even thought about it?” Sam asked.

“What do you mean?”

Sam pointed at my breasts. “Have you ever, like, imagined hair on your chest?”

My eyes followed the direction she was gesturing toward. It was pretty much hairless on there except for the tiny ones that were all over my body.

I stared for a while trying to imagine dark hair growing all over the area. It wasn't exactly a pleasant thought but I didn't like hair in general.

“Boys have hair all over,” Joy said.

Sam's face scrunched up. “My uncle has all kinds of hair on his back and he bent over. It was even all over his butt.”

“Grody!” Joy said.

My whole body shuttered. “Gross,” I muttered.

Sam handed the pill back to me and I stared at it for a moment. Most of my friends weren’t really hairy except maybe Johnny. I only knew that because he went swimming with us at Rich’s house. I of course had to wear like two shirts to make sure no one saw my binder.

My dad wasn’t really hairy, except for his arms. I used to play with it while we watched “Full House” together. He and I were really close before the—

The pain of his loss pulled at my heart breaking my thoughts. I clenched my jaw and shoved the pill in my pants pocket.

Joy put a hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked.

I looked away and felt anger flood my system. When I started shaking Joy removed her hand and backed up.

Sam pushed Joy behind her and said, “Why are you so angry?”

Suddenly I felt trapped in such a small bathroom. My breathing increased so I opened the door and rushed over to the window I’d came in through. It opened easily and I stuck my head in it. The cool February air seemed to help my nerves and breathing.

Why the hell did she leave the fan on? I hated her for it.

When my senses finally caught up to my brain I realized where I was and jumped back. My fear of heights kicked in. One thing after another was freaking me out. I went over to Joy’s bed and sat down doing best to catch my breath. My breathing was yet another reminder of the worst night of my life.

Joy and Sam were staring at me with confused looks on their faces. Then joy suddenly rubbed her arms, turned around, and closed the window.

Sam strode over and sat next to me. “I don't understand what just happened. Are you mad at us?”

I shook my head and stayed silent, saving the precious air for my lungs. I was confused for a moment as to why I had pants in my hand and dropped them.

Lacy, Gina, Alyx were staring at me completely ignoring the music. After having seen them dancing moments ago the fact that they were no longer doing it made me feel bad.

My body eventually caught up to my labored breathing and I finally had the chance to relax.

Alyx walked over to Joy and whispered something to her.

Joy nodded to her. I wondered if they were talking about me.

Lacy rushed over to Joy's stereo and turned the music down while Gina walked over and sat at the foot of the bed in front of me. Lacy joined her.

“Are you okay?” Gina asked.

I nodded.

Lacy picked at her fingernails. “What happened?”

“They broke up,” Sam replied.

She said it so casually. I couldn't have said it like that. At least not for a few weeks.

Joy was the first girlfriend that I ever told about my condition. Based on how tonight went I probably wasn't going to tell the next one about it.

“Are you leaving?” Gina asked.

Still not sure I shrugged.

“Is it because of…” Lacy said while gesturing at my hips and breasts.

Sam nodded.

“Makes sense,” Lacy said and then immediately turned to me. “I don't— I mean—” Her eyes widened and her body tensed up.

We locked eyes for a moment. Then I nodded showing that I understood that she didn't mean any harm.

She seemed to relax.

I had to admit seeing her struggle was a little amusing but I couldn't bring my face to smile.

Gina put a hand on my leg. “I hope you stay.”

Lacy and Sam nodded.

Joy and Alyx joined us by sitting down next to Gina and Lacy.

It was weird sitting above them like that so I slid down the bed careful to avoid bumping Gina.

Sam must have felt the same way because she did the same as me.

We could all see eye to eye now which was pretty nice. Except for Sam of course. Gina was pretty short but only a few inches shorter than me.

I had to look up at most of my guy friends.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Alyx asked.

I shook my head and then the girls turned to Joy.

Joy shrugged.

“You don—”

“At first I just thought it was funny or maybe a little weird,” Joy interrupted Sam. “Then Walker said something.”

I knew this had to be my fault somehow. “What did I say?” I asked.

“I asked him if all of us getting half-naked in front of him was a dream come true and he said that because he had the same parts it ruined it.”

“It was the binder too,” I added.

Joy glanced at me and then didn't skip a beat. “I didn't understand at first but after I saw him try to talk like us… and then after my mom and dad were fooled I started to understand what he meant.”

Joy turned and looked at me. “But when he actually wanted to try on my clothes and I saw you all dancing together… It was just too much.”

Everyone seemed to nod except for me.

“Why did you invite me over?” I asked.

Joy shrugged. “I thought it might be fun.”

“Did you eve— I mean if I looked more like a boy your mom probably would have kicked me out.”

Joy shifted her gaze to her hands.

I leaned against the bed. “I only came over because I thought your parents were gone for the weekend. I wouldn't have come if I knew it was a slumber party.”

It was quiet for a moment.

Alyx pointed at me. “He thought he was gettin some!” She screeched and fell to the ground giggling.

Joy’s head shot up her eyes wide and mouth agape.

Before I could see the other girls’ reactions I covered my face with my hands. Years of teasing from school and from my sisters had toughened my skin. But this somehow cracked my armor.

When I uncovered my face everyone was staring at me. “No! No more questions!” I yelled and covered my ears.

***

Chapter 7 Time to Go

Holding out on information didn’t work the first time and I didn’t know why I thought it would work again. The girls were staring at me.

Gina poked me in the stomach. “You really thought you were going to have sex tonight?” She and Lacy had my arms pinned at my sides.

I struggled. “Well, what should I have expected! It's my birthday and my girlfriend asked if I want to stay the night with her.”

Everyone's eyes shifted to Joy and she looked down.

“Sorry, ex girlfriend,” I said with a bit of bitterness. When Joy’s face contorted I regretted my tone. I took a few deep breaths and stopped trying to escape the girl’s grasps.

They let go of me and returned to where they were sitting.

Alyx leaned forward and put a hand under her chin. “So what positions did you think you were going to do?”

“Oh, my, God!” I said and reached for my head to cover up.

Before I could muffle my ears Alyx said, “I'm kidding!” and put her hands up.

I paused waiting for another volley of jokes that never came. My arms went limp as I let my whole body sag. In a way this breakup felt more embarrassing than the one with Missy.

Sure, Missy made me cry in front of all my friends but at least she didn't break up with me because I looked too much like a girl.

The skirt I was wearing was stretched between my crossed legs. I ran my fingers along the soft fabric. A lot of the guy clothes I had were rougher on my skin and I even got rashes from the friction while running.

Sam put her hand over mine stopping me. “Walker,” she said.

I made eye contact with her.

“Why were you so angry? It looked like you both accepted the break up peacefully.”

It was weird how big Sam's hands were. Even my mom's hands weren't that big. “I wasn't mad at her.”

“Then who were you mad at?” When I didn't answer she kept going. “Because you were shaking. I've never seen anyone so angry.”

I wondered what shoes they all wore. They were all stock-footed at that moment but shoes were a part of what girls wore too. My sister and her girlfriends never let me wear their shoes. I wondered what they felt li—

Sam shook my shoulder. “Hello, don't ignore me!”

“Don't,” I said while lowering my head.

She stopped.

My gaze returned to her and we locked eyes. A cold feeling in the center of my chest spread throughout my body.

Lacy touched my arm and I turned to her giving her the same stare as I gave Sam. She didn't seem phased.

What the hell is wrong with these girls! They wouldn't get the hint that I didn't want to talk about it.

It was when Gina grabbed my waist and held on tight that I lost it. Tears streamed down my face like a river during spring.

All the feelings that I had pent up about my father came out in a fit of sobs and snot.

The fire and him carrying me out of the house. His stupid cat he had tried to save. The piece of shit fan mom had left on started it all. I hated her for it.

I didn't even realize that Joy had gotten up but she was suddenly there with a box of tissue paper helping wipe my face off.

“It'll be okay,” Lacy said.

She was wrong, it wouldn't be okay. He was gone forever.

Gina rubbed my back and I let loose again.

Alyx had the same look on her face that she had when Sam went to the bathroom earlier. She crossed her arms and shook her head. “Great, you've got another one now Joy.”

My head shot up and I gave Alyx my best death stare. “My dad died,” I said.

“What, how?” she doubted.

When I didn't want to deal with the shit in my life I went to a place where I couldn't feel anything. My crying stopped and I became very still. “In the fire that burned my lungs.” It came out as a raspy growl.

Gasps came from several of the girls. Joy covered her face and scooted away from me. I wasn’t sure if it was because of my tone or the way I worded it.

“Sorry…” Alyx whispered. Her posture changed from the defensive one she had most of the night to something softer.

Gina pulled back from her hug. “Is that why it's hard for you to breathe sometimes?”

I nodded.

Sam’s stare lingered on my hand. “You like wearing those clothes don’t you?”

Joy played with her fingernails and muttered, “Why do you like them?”

I appreciated them changing the subject. Took a shaky breath and said. “It’s gonna sound stupid.”

“I like stupid stuff.” Lacy said.

Gina reached across my lap and pinched Lacy. “Shut up Lacy!”

Lacy tried to grab Gina.

“Hey! Stop!” I said and pushed them apart. I was not going to be in the middle of a fight. My sisters fought the same way they were and it was really annoying.

They squinted and leaned back glaring at each other.

“Do you want to hear this or not?” I asked.

“Sorry!” they each said in way too cheery tone.

Gina and Lacy were so weird but they were nice to me so I quickly forgave them.

“Spit it out.” Alyx urged.

I squinted at her. “Fine. It’s because they fit.”

Sam nodded along with my words. She was the only one that probably knew what I was talking about.

“Like, when I was younger I could wear any clothes I wanted but now none of the guy clothes fit me anymore. I don't like that my body is going female but at least there's no complicated shit I need to do to wear these.” I tugged on the bottom of the skirt.

“It’s kind of relieving,” I added before anyone could say anything.

Lacy’s head titled. “So you don’t mind looking like a girl because the clothes fit?” Gina and her shared a look.

After hearing her repeat my words back to me it all sounded so stupid so I snapped my mouth shut.

“Do you care if we still call you Kennedi?” Gina asked.

Joy handed me another tissue. I accepted it and nodded at Gina. I wiped the tears away and blew my nose. Did it really matter what name they called me? Probably not. These girls seemed to do what they wanted either way.

Alyx leaned forward. “If you wear those you look like a girl. Doesn’t that bother you?” Her tone was soft.

“Yeah but—”

Alyx put her hand on my knee stopping my sentence. “You look like a girl,” she said in a firm voice.

“I know I look like a girl!” I yelled.

Joy’s eyes lit up and I checked behind me to make sure her mom or something wasn’t behind me. “Don’t yell that too loud my parents room is just down the hall.”

My heart beat wildly as I watched the door, waiting for it to open. When no one came in after at least a minute of watching the door I turned back around.

The girls were sitting there watching me. It made me shiver. “Don’t stare,” I said.

Most of them looked away but Alyx ignored me.

“You get tests done next week and what then?” Alyx asked.

I shrugged. “Another doctor's appointment?” I didn’t know what they could do or if they could help me.

“What do you look like down there?” Sam asked as she pointed to her crotch.

Joy cleared her throat. “He has boy parts and girl parts.”

“Can we see?” Alyx asked.

“No!” I yelled. It was okay when I was showing Joy when we were boyfriend and girlfriend but I was not going to be examined by them like some school science project.

Alyx squinted. “What about just me?”

“No!”

She looked away and stuck up her nose. “Fine, what-ever.” Her voice did the really annoying thing that valley girls do.

I rolled my eyes. “Does anyone else have any questions?” I hoped that their curiosity was finally satiated. Satiated? Where the heck did I learn that word?

Lacy raised her hand which for some reason made me laugh. She hesitated and then lowered her hand. Her face made me feel bad for her.

“Go ahead,” I said.

She shook her head.

“Lacy,” I said while trying to get her to look at me. “What was your question?”

She shrugged. “I just wanted to know if you wanted to dance some more.”

“Ooo, ooo but with music this time!” Gina added.

Joy leaned to the side and looked at something behind me. “We have to be quiet though or my parents will make us go to sleep.”

“I gues—”

“Like a girl, you want to dance like a girl?” Alyx said.

“Get off it Alyx!” Joy yelled.

Gina turned to Alyx. “You taught him the dance earlier didn’t you?”

“You didn’t see me laughing at him on the bed?” Alyx replied.

Lacy looked angry. “We weren’t looking at the bed.”

“C’mon you have to admit seeing a guy dancing like a girl is funny.” Alyx said.

Sam sat up or stopped slouching, I didn’t know which but she was suddenly taller. “God Alyx, why do you have to be such a bitch?”

Alyx had the nerve to look shocked. Then a sly smile spread across her face. “Why don't you dance Sam?”

Any composure Sam had dwindled away. She didn't respond and sat there staring at her hands.

“That was the first time I've ever danced,” I said.

Alyx snorted. “Duhh.”

"What's your fucking problem?” came out of Joy's mouth.

Alyx leaned in. “You want to know what my problem is?”

Joy sat still as a statue.

“All your reject little friends!” Alyx pointed at everyone in the group. “Always crying and whining. It's so damned annoying!”

There was an uncomfortable pall in the air. A feeling as if your parents had argued in front of you. It was even stranger for me because I barely knew these girls. At that moment I was ready to face my fear of heights and get the hell out of there.

Joy unfroze. “I care about these girls, Alyx.” It was a whisper yet blazed in my ears.

“Why? You're so fucking pretty. You don't need to hang out with these ugly bitches!” Alyx said as she stood up.

Sam came out of nowhere and grabbed Alyx by the back of her nightgown. She drug her across the room like a child.

“Walker's even prettier than you are!” were her last words as she was shoved through the door. Sam closed it in her face and then locked it.

***
It was quiet for a long time before Joy got up. We all looked at each other.

Alyx's last words still echoed in my head. Who was she saying I was prettier than? Joy? I wasn't sure. I eventually decided that Alyx had to be trying to piss her off. Or me, I wasn't sure.

“I'm going to talk to her.” Joy said and then dashed out of the room.

Lacy had tears streaming down her face. While Gina put her head between her legs.

Sam stood there staring at the door. I wondered what was running through her mind.

“Why didn't she say how she really felt?” I said, trying to make light of the situation.

Everyone's eyes were suddenly on me but no one said anything. They didn't even crack a smile.

Leaving was sounding like it was going to be an inevitability. I definitely didn't feel like dancing again especially for Alyx's enjoyment. In fact if I didn't see Alyx again it would probably be a blessing.

I turned to Sam. “Can you help me get this makeup off, Sam?”

“What?” she said as she turned around.

I gestured at my face. “Can you help me get this makeup off?”

She glanced at me and then turned back to the door. I wasn't sure if she actually processed what I asked her.

“Sam?” I asked but she didn't respond.

Lacy stood up and wiped her eyes. “I can help you.”

She offered me a hand and I accepted.

We went over to the vanity and she began wiping my face off with the gross smelling wipes that Sam had used earlier.

When she finished I checked myself in the mirror. It all looked gone but my face still felt weird.

“If you wash your face with soap it'll feel better,” Sam said from across the room.

So she was paying attention to me.

The bathroom was open so I headed in there and did my best to wash whatever crud was on there, off.

As I walked out of the bathroom Gina was standing right outside. “You're leaving aren't you?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

I took inventory of my belongings and gathered them together. As I was stripping the girls clothes off Joy walked back in.

Sam's whole body seemed to relax.

“She's going home,” Joy announced. She then proceeded to grab Alyx's bag and walk back out the door.

I was having problems removing the bra and without a word Lacy helped me take it off. “Can you help me with my binder too?”

She nodded and I wrapped it around my chest. She zipped it up and then she grabbed me around the waist.

Soon enough Gina joined her. These two girls didn't deserve the crap that Alyx had thrown at them. Sam either. I couldn't help but be pissed off. Before I knew it my eyes were leaking.

“Maybe we can do this again without Alyx or Joy?” I asked. Shure Alyx was the bitch of the minute but Joy was even worse. I couldn't believe she would invite me to a sleepover like this. You didn't do that to your boyfriend.

I could feel them both nod.

Sam was looking at us. “You too,” I said.

She smiled at me.

Those girls had had a profound effect on me in only a single night. Alyx was wrong about them. They were both pretty in their own way.

Sam was also pretty. It wasn't like she wasn't well proportioned. She was just really tall.

I exhaled and the girls let go of me. I still had the skirt on so I took that off and took my things to the bathroom and closed the door.

***
It was strange being back in my boy clothes. I felt somehow different. As if a part of me yearned for something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

As I walked out of the bathroom all eyes were on me.

Joy hadn't returned yet.

“Can I use the phone again?” I asked.

Sam nodded at me.

When I sat down on the bed and picked up the phone Joy walked in.

She stared at me for a moment. “You're leaving too?”

“Yeah,” I replied.

We gazed at each other for a long time and then the phone started beeping. I hung it up. “Can we talk before I go?” I didn't believe Joy's previous answer about why she invited me to her slumber party.

She looked down and then shrugged.

I gestured at the bathroom and she turned and walked that way. I smiled at the three girls watching me and then followed Joy into the bathroom.

***
I closed the door and Joy sat on the side of the bathtub. It was the furthest away she could get from me. Unless she decided to sit in the tub like I did earlier.

I leaned against the counter. “Why did you really invite me here?”

“I told you, I thought it would be f—”

“You’re lying!” I yelled.

She wrung her hands and looked away.

“What are you hiding!” I demanded.

Joy looked at me. “I knew about you.”

“Knew what?” I asked.

She stood up and I backed away. “About,” she gestured at my body. “You being…” she paused for a moment. “Intersex.”

“What, how?” I screamed.

She reached toward me and I moved away. “My Aunt is your doctor,” she said.

“That's breaking Dr-patient confidentiality!” I yelled. I couldn't believe what she was saying.

Joy stepped closer. “It's not my fault.”

“What do you mean it’s not your fault?” I asked.

Joy glanced down at her outreached hand and then back at me. “I didn’t ask about you, she was talking to my mom about it and I overheard.”
If she was telling the truth she was right, it wasn't her fault. Well, she was right that she didn't ask for the information. Still, I wondered…

“How did you know it was me she was talking about?” I asked.

Joy's hand relaxed a little and fell to her side. “She said her patient's last name was Walker.” She closed in on me and I stood still. “When she said your name I knew it was you.”

“H-how?” I stammered.

She took one of my hands. “When you tuck your hair behind your ears you look like a girl.”

My hair wasn’t in my face so I immediately went to untuck it but it wasn't tucked. Whatever little pin they had used to put it up was still holding it in place. I pulled it out letting the hair fall in front of my eyes.

“So you invited me over as some sick joke?” I threw off her hand and grabbed the door handle.

Before I could open it Joy put her body between the door and me.

I let go of the handle and moved away from her. “You and Alyx deserve ea—”

“Don't!” she screeched.

I stomped a foot. “Why not? It's true! I would never do that to someone!”

“I thought ma-maybe. I could sneak you in and I could have my boyfriend stay the night whenever I wanted.” she said.

Which, when she said it, sounded like a good idea. But it would have never worked especially with how strict my mom was about knowing where I was all the time. That and she apparently didn’t want to date someone who looks like a girl.

I shook my head. “Do you even know what I had to do to be here?”

“Wha—”

“I had to bribe like all of my friends to lie for me. My parents think I'm at my friends house playing D&D.”

She pushed her back to the door. “I thought your dad die—”

“I have a Step-father.”

“Oh.”

The whole situation was so messed up. She had meant well but I couldn't believe she didn't ask me first.

I pulled the toilet lid down and sat on it. “What exactly did your Aunt say?”

“Just that she was seeing a boy that looked like a girl.” she put her hands flat against the door.

I took a deep breath. “And my name?”

“She said, ‘I wouldn't want to be one of the Walker's.’”

That stung. “She could get in big trouble if I told on her.” I said.

Suddenly Joy pushed away from the door and grabbed my hand again. “Please don't!”

If I did decide to tell anyone I would probably have to tell them about this night which was something I wasn't willing to do. On the other hand I at least had something over Joy.

“Make sure Alyx and the other girls don't talk about tonight?” I made it sound like a request rather than a demand.

She nodded at me. Her hand lingered on mine before she let go.

There was still a problem I was worried about. I looked down at my hand. “Can you…”

“What?”

I closed my hand into a fist. “My friends… wait.” I stood up. “If I tell my friends that we broke up they’ll wonder why I was still here all night.”

“What do you want me to do?” She asked.

“Can I still call you my girlfriend at least for a little while?”

She looked away. “I gues—”

A muffled “Joy?” came from behind the door. “Is everything okay in there?” It sounded like her mother.

Shit.

***

Chapter 8 Not so Fast

Everything happened in a blur. Joy grabbed my t-shirt to help pull it off. I was pretty sure it was stuck but I wiggled and it came loose. My pants being baggy didn’t have any problem slipping off. When it came to taking off my underwear I only hesitated for a few seconds. My first instinct was to put my clothes behind the door but Joy stopped me and stuffed them behind the toilet. Her eyes became big as she noticed my nakedness and the binder still wrapped around my torso. Down went the zipper of the binder and then she stashed it away with the rest.

I was not comfortable with Joy’s mom seeing me naked so I covered up.

Without a second thought, Joy’s hands darted under her nightgown to her back and something snapped. She pulled the straps of her bra through the sleeves of her gown, slipped them around her arms, and then yanked the bra out. After that, she quickly pulled her panties off.

I put my arms up and Joy pulled the bra around my chest. As she snapped it into palace she scraped my skin with her fingernail but I bit my tongue and muffled the scream I had pent up. The panties I put on slow so I didn’t cause the pain to flare. I had to make sure everything was tucked in.

Joy watched me carefully.

My heart was beating a hundred miles a minute but for some reason, I wasn’t having a problem breathing. Thank you lungs for actually working.

Joy motioned for me to wash my face so I did that. It helped keep me calm and covered up the tears that started to inch down my face.

I could hear the door open over the running water. “Mom?” Joy asked.

“Is everything okay?” her mom asked.

The door squeaked. “Yeah, Kennedi is just washing up before bed.” Joy said.

“Are you sure? I heard yelling.” Joy’s mom said.

“Oh, we were just practicing Kennedi’s drama club lines. Were we too loud?”

I rinsed my face and when I came up I got a look in the mirror.

Joy’s mom was peering into the room as if she was looking for something. “Yeah…”

“Sorry, we’ll be quieter.” Joy handed me a towel and I wiped my face off.

Right after I was finished Gina was suddenly in the doorway next to Joy’s mom. “Here’s your nightgown Kennedi,” she said and handed it to Joy, then, in turn, handed it to me.

“Well, as long as you’re okay.” Joy’s mom said. She took one last look in the bathroom and then gave the bedroom a once-over.

Joy and I drifted into the bedroom following her mom. Nope, no guys here mom, just us girls. I almost laughed at the thought but stifled it.

Eventually, Joy’s mom seemed satisfied that her search came up fruitless and said, “You girls should get some sleep. We’re going to take you all to breakfast tomorrow.”

“Ooo, where are we going?” Gina asked.

About that time the nerves in my hands jump-started and the soft fabric of the nightgown reminded me that I was nearly naked. I immediately put it on.

Mrs.— actually I didn't know Joy's last name or her first name for that matter. Though I did remember her dad telling us their names but for the life of me, I couldn't remember. Joy's mom walked to the bedroom entrance and opened the door. “We're going to the Golden Corral.”

I was still hungry and my stomach growled. Eating was one of my guilty pleasures that I usually indulged in wholeheartedly. I'd only had a couple of pizza slices and my body was definitely feeling a lack of sustenance.

“Yes!” Gina screeched and ran over to Lacy. They gave each other a high five.

I found their enthusiasm contagious but wondered if they were over the hurtful things Alyx had said. I wasn't so I assumed they weren't either.

Joy nodded at her mom.

With one last look, Joy’s mom walked out the door.

My eyes locked onto Joy and her's locked on to me. Then we suddenly burst into laughter. She put an arm around my waist and put her head on my shoulder. It caused the bra to tighten and I hissed.

She let go. “Are you okay?” she asked.

I bounced around on my tippy toes. “I think you scratched me.”

“Where?” She lifted my arms up and down checking for injuries.

When I could catch my breath I pointed to my side. “Under here, when we put on the bra.”

“Lift it up and let me see?” she asked.

Up went the nightgown. I wasn't sure if it was a good thing that I felt more comfortable in my underwear here than when my sister helped with my binder.

When I lifted the bra I couldn't see it but the girls in the room made little hissing noises.

Curiosity got the better of me and I rushed to the bathroom. A small red scrape trailed down my armpit. When I slid the bra back down I was careful to not agitate the wound.

I let go of the nightgown and it fell down my body. I watched in the mirror as it fell and I was having a hard time seeing the boy in there. Was there a boy in there anymore? The two obvious breasts making lumps under the fabric dispelled any illusion that I could be perceived as a boy. I did wonder about something though.

When I made my way out of the bathroom I did what I'd been avoiding doing all night. I looked at the other girl’s boobs. I had the third biggest breasts in the room.

Of course, Sam had the biggest, and Joy's came after her. Gina didn't have much at all up there but that wasn't all that surprising because she was Chinese or Japanese. I couldn't tell which. Lacy was right behind me when it came to sizes.

The awkwardness of it all was nearly unbear—

“Walker?” Joy said.

Our gazes met.

“You okay?” she asked.

As a reflex, my shoulders shrugged. “Why?”

“You have that look on your face,” she said.

My sigh came out deep. “What look?”

“The one you have just before you get really sad,” she said.

I wasn't aware of any look that I might have. Then again I avoided mirrors most of the time. Gonna have to ask mom about it. I thought.

“You still gonna go home?” Gina asked. She and Lacy had decided to sit on the bed at the moment.

Staying here was a really bad idea. “Yeah.”

Gina was disappointed but life was like that sometimes.

As I was headed into the bathroom Lacy said, “Wait! I gotta go real quick.”

A few more minutes in a nightgown wouldn’t kill me so I gestured ahead of me and she darted past.

“I really want you to come to breakfast with us tomorrow,” Gina said.

The audacity. The insanity. The embarrassment. That was not going to happen. “Gina…”

Sam had relinquished her post at the door. I now understood why she and Joy were so protective of these girls.

“You going to call your ride?” Joy asked.

I nodded and joined the girls on the bed. A quick dial of Rich’s phone number and it rang. And rang. No answer. Rich had an answering machine so I figured I had probably just dialed the wrong number.

When I tried again I got the same result.

Shit.

“Uhm,” I said and dialed again. I rang and rang.

Gina leaned over so I could see her. “Everything okay?”

Nothing was okay with this night. “No, they're not answering.”

“Oh,” she said.

After calling at least four more times I was on the verge of panicking when a “Finished!” came from behind me. It’s okay Walker, you just need to swap into your clothes and try again.

Of course, my instincts were to scream but I kept calm, hung up the phone, and walked into the bathroom.

***
It's gonna be okay. I told myself. How could it possibly get any wor—

When I stepped on the little placemat in front of the toilet it squished and my stocks became soaking wet.

Crap.

Without hesitation, I moved away and took the stocks off. When I went to lift the mat a stench permeated from it. It smelled like poop.

I opened the lid and it wasn't overflowing or anything. It was only when I pulled my clothes out from behind the toilet that I lost it.

“Lacy!” I screamed as I came out of the bathroom.

Everyone's eyes were on me.

“Did you clog up the toilet!” I'd meant for it to be a question but even to me I sounded like I was accusing her of it. No one else has been in there; it had to have been her.

Lacy's eyes went wide. “Ye-yes,” she mumbled.

“Joy.” The way I said it was quiet but there was so much emotion in it Joy jumped up and ran into the restroom.

I could hear her come out but I never took my eyes off Lacy.

Joy walked in front of my vision. In her hands was my binder, soaking wet. It also smelled like shit.

Normally—even in my sister's case—I would melt under the gaze of a girl looking sad. But not this time. I was so enraged that I couldn't say anything at all. So I went into Joy's closet and closed the door.

***
The darkness wasn't exactly soothing but it at least took a part of the world away. The less of it the better.

I could hear Joy and Lacy having a discussion that I purposefully ignored by plugging my ears.

It was another aspect of the world that was removed. It was almost comforting until the door opened and light beamed onto my face.

It was Joy.

My hands instinctively came out of my ears. “Please Joy, just don't,” I said before she could speak.

Instead of saying something she closed the door and sat next to me. Then she leaned, what I assumed was her head, on my shoulder.
I'd sat down in the corner as far away from the girls I could get. I knew that Joy was trying to comfort me but our breakup was still fresh in my mind. Which only served to make me even angrier.

My body quivered in pure rage much like when I thought about my father.

Joy didn’t move. She stayed where she was. Somewhere deep in my subconscious, I knew that she didn’t cause the toilet to flood but I knew that I was here because of her. Still, I couldn't stay mad at her, she didn’t get my clothes soaked in shit.
The anger seeped away to frustration and I eventually started crying. Around that time Joy encircled my waist with her arms and I lost it.

No way to my friend’s house. No clothes. No girlfriend. I hated my life.

The years of masculinity that was drilled into my head crept out. What the fuck is wrong with you? I told myself. You're here, alone, with four pretty girls. Get your shit together.

I hugged Joy back and put my head on her shoulder. She pulled me closer and my head moved to her chest.

My crying had stopped and I just sat there while we held each other. This was what I wanted from a girlfriend. Someone to feel close to. Someone who didn't find the real me utterly disgusting.

If there was anything I'd learned that night. It would be to never share the information about my anatomy so freely with anyone again.

***
We couldn't stay like that forever. Well, I could but Joy couldn't. I tried to hold on but didn't want to be overly creepy so I let go. She pulled away. I'd never felt so comfortable in the dark before. Or ever, really.

Joy left me in there but turned the light on as she was going.

It gave me a chance to really look at the clothes in there.

There was a vast array of colors around me. It was so different from the simple closet I had at home. It smelled better too. More flowery.
My closet was a shallow thing that opened with sliding doors. It felt like an afterthought rather than something planned out.

Joy's on the other hand, was huge. The shoes are what drew my immediate attention. I scooted over to them and picked one up. It was a red high heel. The material was seemingly plastic and glossy. I didn't dare smell it. Even I thought that was gross. I tried to put it on but my foot was too big.

As I was placing it back on the shelf the door opened giving me a minor heart attack.

Joy and the other girls were standing there staring at me. Sam reached a hand out toward me and I hesitated. I wasn't sure I was ready to get up and face the world yet. After I took a deep breath and let it out. I took her hand and she pulled me up.

“Lacy,” Joy said.

The girls sort of spread out and Lacy stood alone. “I’m sorry,” she said. Remnants of my anger lit up and it must have shown on my face because Lacy said, “I put them in the washer.”

So leaving is out. In a way, I was happy I couldn't get a hold of Vic and them. Not because I wanted to stay but because I didn't want to explain why they didn't need to come to pick me up.

“You can't put the binder in the dryer,” I warned. We'd done that once before and the first one shrunk. Mom had to make me a new one.

“Kay,” Lacy said and then glanced behind her shoulder.

My brain was trying to do the calculations of how long I’d been in the closet. To double-check I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It was a little past midnight. I could suddenly feel my consciousness ebbing like the low tide.

Staying the night with these girls won't be bad. I told myself. My friend Vic was still afraid of girls. He never outgrew it from middle school. I grew up with two sisters so I was desensitized.

I still hadn't told Vic or my other friends about being intersex. It wasn't that I didn't trust them. I was just scared to tell them. Especially with how afraid Vic was of girls. I had to fight my mom, tooth and nail, just to stay out. After she found out about my anatomy she treated me as if I were one of my sisters.

“Is he just gonna stand there like that?” Gina asked Lacy.

Once I realized she was talking about me I snapped out of my thoughts. “Sorry,” I said. “I was thinking.”

“Just stay the night with us and then you can go home with your friends in the morning. Your clothes should be dry by then.” Joy said.

My arms were stiff from the prolonged hug so I stretched them out. “I don't want you to get in trouble,” I said.

“Or, you could go to Golden Corral with us tomorrow,” Gina said in this half-begging half-joking voice. She closed in on me with a bright smile on her face.

My mind couldn't fully comprehend the implications of such a thing. It was probably because it was so late.

Sam cleared her throat causing everyone to look at her. “Gina,” she warned.

Gina backed away.

“Where do we sleeeep?” I asked with a yawn.

“Oh, look,” Joy said.

Sam and Joy walked over to her bed and pulled the bottom portion of it out, revealing another bed.

That was great and all but there were like five of us. The bed under her bed was smaller than the queen-size bed.

“Usually Sam, Alyx, and I sleep in the big bed and Lacy and Gina sleep on the bottom one.” Joy said.

I put my hand up and opened my mouth to ask where I was supposed to sleep but thought better of it. I didn't want to fight anymore.

“Since Alyx is gone…” Joy said.

“He can sleep with us,” Sam said.

That answered that question.

I tucked my hair behind one of my ears. “What time does your mom like to have breakfast?” I asked. My friends were supposed to pick me up at like eight-thirty so I wasn’t too worried about the times overlapping.

“Like, seven,” Joy said.

Oh no, oh no. “Why so early?” I asked in a panic.

“Mom only likes the one in Anaheim,” Joy said.

My heart started beating in my ears. That was an hour drive. I had to get ahold of my friends. I ran over to the bed and had to climb over the small pullout to get to the phone. I called Rich's number again.

It rang and rang. No one picked up just like before. “Dangit!”

“What's wrong?” Sam asked.

I dialed again and let it ring. “They aren't supposed to pick me up till like eight-thirty.”

“Why so late? Were you going to make her breakfast?” Lacy asked and giggled.

Cooking breakfast wasn't really in my wheelhouse. Hell, cooking wasn't a skill I ever really focused on. I once forgot about the water while making ramen. It boiled off and left the pan with this weird metallic smell. So I technically burnt water. It wasn’t exactly my finest moment, it was however a feat I boasted about to my friends. We're weird like that.

“Maybe,” I replied. I was slow to respond and most of the girls smiled. Joy didn't react.

The phone continued ringing until I hung up and tried again.

Lacy and Gina sat on the pullout. Joy and Sam sat on the big bed.

“We barely got to do anything fun,” Gina said.

Joy turned around. “We could always have another sleepover next week?”

“I can't,” Lacy said.

Getting through to my friends was proving to be much harder than it was—

Shit.

Probably because of all the girl’s clothes trama I'd forgotten that Vic was going to test out tapping the phone to spy on Rich's older sister.

They must have fucked it up. “Shit!”

“Still can’t get ahold of them?” Sam asked.

I hung up the phone. “No, I just remembered why they aren't answering.”

“Someone on the phone?” Joy asked.

It was going to take them at least an hour to get everything installed so I turned and fell backward onto the bed. “Something like that.”
Vic was the most technologically inclined out of all my friends. I mostly played video games and only learned enough to keep my rig going.

Suddenly I missed my computer. I could have been playing Gemst—

“He's doing it again,” Gina said.

I turned to her. “Doing what?”

“You zone out and don't respond,” Lacy said.

“What did you ask?” I said.

Lacy slapped my leg. “I said, ‘something like what?’”

“Top Secret,” I replied. If they messed up I wasn't sure how long it would take to fix. They might actually give up if they couldn't figure it out.

Vic said that he was going to study up on it. He was usually pretty good at this type of thing. If they didn't fall asleep right away I could probably get ahold of them or at least leave a message. I just had to stay up long enough for them to fix the problem so I could get through.

Rich's sister Jaclyn was a sadistic bitch. She was the main cause of why we were picked on so much at school.

My friends were attempting to splice the line to her room so Rich could listen in on her conversations. At least then we could have some warning instead of the ambushes Jaclyn's friends pulled.

Since the line to the home number was down it meant something had gone horribly wrong. I hoped they could fix it, otherwise, I was screwed.

***

Chapter 9 Late Night Snack

The only thing I could think to do was to keep calling but I was having a hard time concentrating because the girls kept distracting me. A part of my mind was tugging at me saying, You're about to sleep with four girls! The combination of the two distractions was driving me mad.

I hung up the phone and decided to wait five minutes and call again.

“Welcome back,” Gina said and all the girls giggled.

I turned to her. “What?”

“You really have a one-track mind don't you?” Lacy said.

Wha— how did they? No, you only thought about sleeping with the girls, Walker. “What do you mean?”

“You ignored us the whole time you were on the phone.” Joy said.

This wasn't the first time I'd been accused of this. My teachers mentioned it almost every parent-teacher meeting and I wasn't sure if it was something I could fix. “Sorry,” I mumbled.

Lacy and Gina were on the pull-out and partially under the covers already. Sam was lying on the other side of the bed opposite me. Joy was next to me, sitting.

Something was bothering me from earlier and now seemed a good time to bring it up. “What did Alyx mean?”

“What do you mean, what did she mean?” Joy asked.

Suddenly my throat was dry. Do you really want to know this, Walker? I took a moment to really think about it. Yeah. I swallowed. “Sh-she said I was prettier than someone?”

“Oh, uhm,” Joy said. She pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “She was just angry.”

“I know she was angry.” I turned to Gina and Lacy. “Did she mean Joy?” Joy was beautiful and there was no way I was better looking than her.

They immediately turned to Joy and my gaze followed theirs.

Joy's face went red.

When she didn't say anything I looked at Sam. Sam didn't even look like she was paying attention.

“Sam?” I asked.

She hummed back at me, “Hmm?”

“Am I prettier than Joy?” I distinctly remembered that Sam accused me of being pretty while we had our little heart to heart in the bathroom.

Sam immediately looked at Joy.

“What the hell, just tell me!” I screeched. Everyone turned to me with their eyes wide. The screech shocked even me. It was a clean, very female sound that I was not accustomed to coming from my mouth. My voice didn’t crack like the other guys at school.

I touched my throat and then cleared it. “Sorry,” I mumbled.

These girls had somehow gotten past most of my defenses. If I would have done that while talking to my guy friends they would have laughed at me and I would never live it down. I was much more careful around them.

“You're really pretty,” Lacy said.

I turned to her and then saw Joy catch her eye for a moment and then do a quick shake of her head.

Lacy's mouth opened for a moment and then closed.

“What the hell is going on?” I demanded.

Joy put a hand on my leg. “You don't wanna know.”

“It has to do with me, of course, I want to know!” I said.

The girls all shared a look. Joy glanced at me, took in a deep breath, and then nodded.

“You're as pretty as Sherry Bradford,” Lacy said.

Sherry Bradford was a drop-dead gorgeous girl from school. She was a professional model and I would sell my whole card collection for ten minutes with her. Well, maybe not my Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card but I would hesitate.

There was no way I was that attractive. I didn't believe them. “Not possible.”

They began protesting but I wouldn't listen. That is until Sam said, “I swear on my clothes, you're that pretty.”

She was the only girl here tonight that I hadn't seen with her nightgown off. Not only that, if she was swearing on her clothes I knew how precious those were to her. Based on that alone it gave me pause.

There's no way. I struggled with the thought.

“When you were putting on clothes and dancing...” Joy said. “It was too much. You looked better in my clothes than I do.”

My mind couldn’t process what was happening. No one had ever accused my mom or sisters of being model-worthy so I didn’t understand how I could look any better than them.

Instead of facing the problem head-on, I decided to put it on the back burner. Besides, there was nothing I could do about it either way so I called Rich’s again just to break the awkwardness of the situation.

No answer. Shit.

As I hung up the phone Gina pushed on my leg.

I looked at her and she smiled at me. Gina had a way of melting my heart that I didn’t quite understand. Before I started crying I clenched my fist digging the small fingernails I had into my skin. That, along with looking away, worked at pushing the rising feelings I was experiencing aside.

“We should probably head to sleep if we are going to make breakfast tomorrow,” Sam suggested.

Breakfast was the last thing that I was concerned about but I sl moved closer to the bed’s headboard and leaned on it. I scooted the phone closer to the bed so I didn’t have to reach as far.

Gina had to get closer to me so Lacy could lie down. Lacy took the far side of the pull out. I was above them but Gina watched me as I waited.

Joy was apprehensive about moving between Sam and me but after a little while, she built up the courage and crawled between us. After a little bit, she got under the covers. She glanced between me and the covers a few times and opened her mouth to say something but no words came out.

I wondered if she wanted me to get under the covers or if she was apprehensive about me joining her in them. I was tired of playing the awkward game so I picked up the phone and called again. After twenty or so rings I hung up.

The clock was close to my hand and I noticed it was after one am. Those guys better fix it. I exhaled a shuddering breath.

“Don’t worry they’ll pick up,” Gina whispered.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. “I hope so.” She was so positive, I wondered where she obtained so much enthusiasm. Actually, she seemed pretty normal compared to Sam and Lacy. Is she a misfit?

Gina put her head on her pillow and closed her eyes. Lacy did the same. Sam’s eyes were already closed. Joy was lying there watching me.

“You know, you’re pretty nice for a guy,” Joy whispered.

It was nice hearing her call me a guy. This whole night was messing with my perception of who I was. It seemed Joy was doing me a kindness especially with the crazy revelation they had dropped on me.

I scooted into a lying position and turned to face her. “This night turned out way different than how I thought it would,” I whispered back.

She nodded at me.

As I thought about it, I realized that she was trusting me with the delicate relationships she had with her friends. It wasn’t the same amount of thrust I was giving her about my body but it was similar.

“I’m not mad at you,” I said. One of Joy’s hands slipped from under the covers and she propped up her head with her elbow. “I mean, for breaking up with me.”

If she were secretly a guy or something I probably would have reacted in a much worse way than how she had toward me. Given the circumstances, and revelations everything came out considerably well. I still ended up surrounded by four girls.

Joy slipped her other arm out and grabbed my hand.

We stared at each other for what seemed like a really long time. Before I knew it tears were leaking from my eyes and she pulled me to her chest again.

After I'd drained my tear ducts I drifted away while in the comfort of her arms.

***
Something startled me and I jerked awake. The lights were off and I didn’t know where I was. The only light source was a glowing red clock. It said two-thirty.

I was leaning against someone. The insanity of the night came back to me. Joy. I thought. She was so soft and her hand was still in mine. I had a small mental crisis. I had to choose between pulling away from probably the closest I’d ever been to a girl and calling my friends.

A part of me didn’t want to move but another part of me was talking sense. The sense part won out and I peeled myself from her chest. I’d resigned to keeping her hand in mine until she suddenly let go and turned around.

I stared into the inky darkness where her body was. For the first time since the break up I could feel the pang of loss.
Letting it overcome me was not an option so I turned around and faced the clock. It was casting enough light to where I could at least see the phone.

I picked it up and when I dialed the number Rich’s answering machine came on. It surprised me and I hung up.

What do I say? Hey, I’m stuck at my ex-girlfriends and they will make me dress up like a girl if you don’t get here early. That obviously wouldn’t do.

After a small amount of internal deliberation, I was pretty sure I had the perfect message.

Beep, beep, beep went the phone as I dialed. I quickly cleared my throat just in case I’d somehow slipped into high pitch mode again. When the answering machine finished its little message I said, “Hey, it’s Walker, I need you guys to pick me up early. Like at six. Life and death sort of thing.” After that, I hung up. It was a pretty short and to-the-point message. I just hoped that the guys got it in time.

My stomach suddenly grumbled and I heard a giggle from below me. I peered over the edge and couldn’t see anyone. I moved the clock closer to the edge of the nightstand and I could see the outline of Gina staring up at me.

“Hey,” she whispered.

I smiled. “Hey.”

“You’re still hungry?” she asked.

Those two pieces of pizza hadn’t cut it. “Yeah.”

“There’s probably more pizza downstairs,” she said.

That didn’t sound half bad. “Can I get some?”

Her hand came up to her face and she giggled. “Yeah.”

I hadn’t gotten under the covers so it was easy to slip out of bed. I could hear the creaks from Gina’s footsteps and a small sliver of light when she opened the door. It cast enough of a glow that I could see where I was going without bumping into anything. I closed the door behind us as we escaped the confines of Joy’s dark room.

There were several nightlights that were plugged in along the hallway. They made it easy to make it downstairs and to the kitchen. There was probably someone else in the house that got late-night snacks and had fallen or something.

The dining room and kitchen also had tiny lights which confirmed my little deduction. Gina opened the fridge and pulled out a box of pizza. There was only one box left which made me wonder where the rest of the pizza went. We certainly didn’t eat it.

“Turn on the light,” she told me.

After I walked around lost for thirty seconds she pointed it out for me. The light of the dining room came on instead of the kitchen. “That okay?” I asked.

“That’s fine.”

Gina carried the box and a few paper plates she’d gotten from somewhere to the table we’d eaten at earlier. Everything was always spookier in the dark. The light wasn’t that bright but was well-lit enough to cover the dining room. You never knew who or what was lurking in the depths of the darkness.

My friends would use creepy phrases like that to scare us when we played D&D late into the night. I wasn’t scared of the dark in particular but it was definitely a cool way to describe a room.

There was a mix of different slices in the box as if someone had taken the time to make a variety platter.

Once again I took a couple of slices of pepperoni and put them on my plate. I didn’t mind cold pizza. It was actually one of my favorite breakfast foods.

Gina grabbed a plate and put an ‘everything’ slice on it.

We sat down next to each other and dug in.

As we were eating Gina would occasionally give me a big grin and I would return the favor with a smile. She was so delicate with her piece of pizza.

“Hey,” I said and then swallowed. “Why are you so nice to me?”

She chewed and covered her mouth while I was waiting for a response. After she swallowed she pulled her hand away. “Are you kidding?”

“No...”

“You’re that pretty and,” She cleared her throat and lowered her voice. “Can pull off the whole guy thing!” She sounded genuinely amazed.

It was kind of cool that I could pull the whole switch off but I’d never really thought about it like that. Then again I didn’t know how much my body had changed until tonight. Joy helped me by letting me release my emotions at least a few times but based on my track record I would probably break down again with my younger sister.

Hailey was always on my side when it came to disputes between Alice and me. It’s why I could trust her for help with the binder. Mom would have to help otherwise and I didn’t like her seeing me naked. Not with the way she obsessed with being overly ‘helpful’.

As for Gina, I wasn't exactly sure how to respond to someone who admired my daily struggle. “How did you and Joy meet?” I asked, pulling the focus of the conversation away from me.

“School,” she said.

I expected that answer. “How long have you known each other?”

She shrugged and took another bite of her pizza. “I think we met last year.” She looked up at the ceiling. “No, the year before that, in Junior high.”

“You're a sophomore too?” I asked.

She still had food in her mouth so I waited patiently. “Yeah, we all are.”

Joy told me her grade when we started dating. Since all the girls were all in the same grade as me it meant that I was likely a year older than them.

I failed third grade when I refused to listen to my teacher. I held a grudge and then to show off I aced all my tests the repeat year. The joke was on me because some of the good friends I made went ahead of me. It wasn't the same anymore when seeing them in the halls.

It meant that by the time I hit high school the people a grade above me were at least nice to me. It was the seniors and juniors that were causing my friends and me problems. At least we didn't have to deal with them much longer.

Most of them graduated the year before and the last of them were going to graduate in a few months. Our last two years were going to be pure bliss.

“Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” I asked while chewing. My manners were not as refined as hers.

Gina looked down at her hands for a moment and then nodded. “Go ahead.”

I wasn't sure how to ask in a non-rude way. “Are you like Joy's other friends?” is what I went with.

“What do you mean?”

Joy had said that her friends were misfits but I wasn't sure if she was telling me that in confidence or not. “Sam's really tall…”

“Oh,” She took a moment to finish and then gestured at herself.

I didn't get it.

“My parents are really strict...” she said.

I'd heard that about Asian parents. “Your..?”

“Korean.”

I nodded and took another bite of pizza. It was true that being Asian was a bit rare at least in my town but Gina was pretty. “Like how strict are your parents?”

“I have to have all A's or I can't leave the house.”

My mom wasn't that bad; she even went so far as to pay me ten bucks per A at one point. I was usually a B+ student so it wasn't too much trouble to bring up my grades a little.

“Are you still hungry?” Gina asked.

My plate was empty and I didn't even remember eating my pizza. The black hole that was my stomach was never satiated but come to think of it, I was getting pretty tired. “I think I'm good.”

Gina must have been tired too because she was quiet while we cleaned up. On our way back upstairs she and I shared smiles again. I wondered if she was attracted to me.

I didn't really pay much attention to the girls at school. Fear of being ambushed by one of the seniors caused extreme paranoia.

We arrived at Joy's door pretty quickly and we didn't hesitate to go inside. Gina left the door open so I could make it to the bed.

I got under the covers this time. Gina closed the door and I heard her climb into bed.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room. It felt like I was missing something but my brain was too tired to be worried about it.

“Thanks, Gina,” I whispered. That had to be what I was missing.

“Night, Kennedi,” she replied.

“Night.” I turned around, laid my hand on Joy's side, and drifted off to sleep.

***

Intermission One

Victor Hernandez slumped in the seat of his friend's station wagon. Steve, Rich, Johnny, and Nick were doing the same. Not because they were hiding but because they were dead tired.

“Where the hell is he?” Johnny asked. He was getting impatient.

Victor knew how Johnny felt. After the night they had, this was just icing on the cake of bad luck.

Walker was well over an hour late. Most of the guys were jealous that Walker —the scrawniest of them— was the first to lose get laid.

Victor wasn't exactly good when girls were around. Their smell alone distracted him enough that he could barely stand up straight. He blamed it on his hormones.

“Remind me not to try something that stupid again,” Victor said to anyone who would listen.

Nick turned in the seat next to Victor. “Don't do that again. For the like, fifth time.”

Victor was trying to splice a phone line but got the wrong wire. It was an enlightening mistake he'd never make again. His hand still hurt from the shock. He'd definitely bring a flashlight with working batteries and buy a bit of the wire to practice next time.

Steve threw his hands up and announced, “That's it, I'm going to sleep.” As if he hadn't passed out on the way there.

Walker was lucky that they'd gotten his message in the first place.

You better be appreciative of this. Victor thought. Victor wasn't expecting a parade or anything but Walker had better thank them.

Victor met Walker in third grade. Walker had saved Victor from a girl that was bullying him. Since then, Victor had been wary of girls. They were these mystical creatures that smelled amazing and made him feel strange. Victor didn’t like the way they made him feel so rather than face them he avoided them altogether.

“Are you sure this is the right place?” Nick asked.

Walker had shown off his girlfriend's house to Victor while walking to school one day. “This is it,” said Victor.

“Well if he doesn’t show up soon we’re leaving,” Nick said.

None of them had slept yet. Except for Steve.

Rich wanted to stay home but the other guys forced him to come. They were a pretty tight-knit group and weren’t ones to abandon a friend unless they were as reckless as Walker was.

Victor didn’t want to argue with Nick but he and Walker were really close. “Fifteen more minutes okay?” said Victor. Walker must have been trapped and couldn’t leave.

Calling Walker's house was out. Even if he had left already and was home, they would never risk telling his parents. For some reason, Walker’s mom had gotten really strict. What was even more strange was that Walker refused to talk to Victor about it. They usually shared everything.

“Fifteen minutes then we go,” Nick said.

There was movement in the back seat. “Yeah, if this piece of crap will even start,” Johnny said.

“Hey, don’t talk about Ole Bessy like that!” Nick said and rubbed his hand on the dashboard.

Victor hated the name, Bessy. It reminded him of cows which reminded him of a farm. He was into technology and farming felt like a step backward for him.

His dad used to pick strawberries at a farm when they first moved there. At one point his dad lost his job and couldn’t find work so he joined the military. After something like six years, he ended up a citizen. Since then, his father wouldn’t let Victor talk down about America.

Victor was four years old when they arrived. He didn't remember much about Mexico other than their house being destroyed. His mom said it was a hurricane that took out their home. They had nothing left to lose so they moved to the US.

In a way, it was a good thing that Walker needed to be picked up early because Victor doubted any of the guys would still be awake at eight.

Victor's eyes were beginning to get heavy so he closed them for a moment.

“No, you don't!” Nick yelled.

Victor nearly jumped out of his skin.

“No sleeping till we get back to Rich's,” Nick said.

Victor's temper flared. “Don't yell at me, it's not my fault he's late!”

“He's your friend!”

“He's your friend too!”

“No, he's not!”

“Then I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving Walker all of his Playstation games back.”

“I'm still us—”

“Guys!” Johnny pointed at the windshield. His hand came dangerously close to hitting Victor. “Movement!”

Victor swung his head around. Sure enough, something was happening. Unfortunately, all he could see was bits of color passing by the gaps in the hedges.

Eventually, several girls emerged and stood next to a minivan. Victor recognized them as Joy and her little band of friends. There was one girl he didn't recognize though. She looked like one of the girls from the books he kept hidden under his bed. As far as Victor knew, Joy never hung out with anyone like that.

The mystery girl had her brown hair up in a ponytail and a few strands of it dancing in front of her face. A low top that showed off just enough cleavage to keep a guy interested. The skirt she was wearing would get her sent to the principal if she were at school. She was fuckin hot.

The girl broke away from the others and scanned the street. When her gaze hit the station wagon, Victor froze.

“Guys, that girl’s looking at us,” Nick said.

“Should we hide?” Johnny asked.

The girl’s and Victor's eyes met. Victor knew those eyes. He leaned forward. It took him all of ten seconds for his brain to catch up. “Walker?” he said under his breath.

The girl's mouth dropped, she turned around and joined the other girls. They looked like they were waiting for something. The hot girl kept glancing their way.

Suddenly, two adults walked from behind the hedge and opened the minivan doors. The adults got in and then the girls except for the one who had Walker's eyes. As she was getting in she quickly turned and gave the hand signal for Victor to retreat.

Victor gasped. Holy fuck, that’s Walker! Victor’s father had taught Walker and him several military hand signals. When you’re as socially unacceptable as they were, they needed all the help they could get.

“Whoa, dude are you okay?” Nick asked.

Someone from the back seat pushed his shoulder. Even as the minivan's doors closed and it drove away, Victor couldn't stop staring in the direction it went.

“I didn't know Mexicans could get that white,” Nick said, breaking Victor's concentration.

Victor turned to Nick and ignored the comment. “W-we gotta go.”

“What about Walker? He should b—”

“Walker's not coming,” Victor said.

“How do you kno—”

“I just know! Now let's get the hell out of here!” Victor yelled.

Nick put his hands on the steering wheel. “Alright man, it's your funeral.”

Victor watched his friends as they drove away from Joy's house. None of them seemed to have seen what he had.

Walker had a lot of explaining to do, Victor would make sure of it.

***

Chapter 10 Tough Morning

Someone was being really loud but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I buried my head under my pillow and hoped they would go away.

Then something moved on my bed. I jumped up and scooted away from whatever was in bed with me. When I fell off the edge, several girls screamed as I landed on them. I was officially up.

“What are you doing!” One yelled.

I did my best to roll off of her whoever she was. When I finally got a good look at my surroundings I realized that I was still at Joy’s house. I had misjudged how close I was to the side of the bed and fell onto Gina and Lacy.

“Sorry,” I squeaked.

Lacy punched my arm, hard. She was stronger than she looked. I only grazed Gina because she apparently slept curled up like a ball.

As I was rubbing my arm I got a look at the clock. It was six-fifteen.

Joy’s mom walked into the room. “Are you girls all right?”

Something was wrong.

“We’re fine. Wa—” Joy stopped herself and coughed. “Kennedi fell off the bed.”

Lacy pushed my shoulder. “And landed on me.”

“I didn’t mean to!” I said.

Joy’s mom put her hands on her hips. “It’s time to get ready.”

“Get ready for what?” I asked.

Joy’s mom laughed. “Breakfast.”

“Oh,” I said and then it hit me. We didn’t set an alarm so I could wake up early.

Shit, shit, shit! I went into panic mode and scrambled off the pull-out. I slipped but caught myself before I fell. I was having problems getting air so I ran over to the window, opened it, and stuck my head out.

The sound of my heartbeat in my ears was deafening. People were talking behind me but I couldn't quite make out what they were saying. After a minute or so I could tell the fresh air was helping because my mind was going crazy. What the hell am I going to do?

“Kennedi, are you okay?” Joy asked from behind me.

I knew I was feeling better when I noticed I was on the second floor hanging out of a window. I backed out of it and sat on the ground. This house is going to kill me.

My brain wasn't ready for interaction so I gave her a thumbs up.

Everyone was staring at me but as soon as they registered my hand signal they seemed to jump into motion.

Lacy and Gina fixed the sheets on the pull-out while Joy and Sam fixed the bed.

When I stood up to try and help Joy's mom led me over to the chair by the vanity and sat me down. “Can you breathe okay?”

I nodded.

She knelt down and put her hand on my leg. “You don’t just have claustrophobia do you?”

Joy and the other girls stopped and watched.

“N-no,” I said.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I looked down at my hands and shrugged.

She stood up. “Well if you want to talk about it, I’m here okay?”

I nodded.

With that, she walked to the door and looked at her watch. “We have forty minutes but if you need more time,” She looked directly at me. “Then let me know okay?”

“Thank you, Mrs. Perks,” Gina said.

Joy’s mom frowned. “Gina, you know better, call me Heather.” Heather smiled while waving at us. “Now get dressed.” She walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Joy didn’t hesitate coming over to me and giving me a big hug. I know I needed it, things would never be the same.

The tears came. “M-my life is over.”

“No, you’re going to be okay,” Joy tried to soothe me.

I was losing control. “I-it it’s not going to be okay. I can’t be a g-girl.”

“Then go, your friends are probably still outside,” Sam said.

Vic would have made them wait. She could be right. Suddenly, I felt relieved.

“Where’s Walker’s clothes?” Joy asked.

Lacy backed away.

“Lacy?” Joy said.

Lacy moved behind Sam.

Sam wasn’t having any of that and stepped out of the way. “Where are his clothes, Lacy?” Sam asked.

Tears started streaming down Lacy’s cheeks. “I-in the washer.”

The world spun and my vision began to blur. I stood up and stumbled forward a few steps. Bile was building up in my throat. I reached my hand toward the bathroom and suddenly Sam was at my side leading me to the toilet.

Luckily it was open because when we reached it I let loose.

Sam grabbed my hair before it could get messy.

I’d never felt like this before. Sick without being sick. It was not a good feeling.

Sam patted my back. “It’ll be okay.”

It didn’t take long to empty my stomach of what I hadn't digested from last night.

Before I had time to recover properly Joy was there in the room with us. “I know you’re not feeling well but we have to get ready.” Joy put her hand on my shoulder. “My parents will drop you off at home unless you still want to go with your friends.”

Imagining my mother’s response made me even more queasy. My friends might actually be able to keep a secret but I really didn’t want them knowing about this part of me.

Going with the girls to breakfast was suddenly looking like my best option. Of all the girls here only Joy interacted with me at school. There was no doubt that the other girls might pay more attention to me after this but I felt as if they didn’t want to hurt me at least.

Alyx was probably the person I was worried about most.

I reached for the toilet paper and Sam grabbed a piece for me. I wiped off whatever remaining grossness was plastered on my face.

When I got up I was surprised that I wasn’t feeling all that bad anymore. I made it to the sink and washed out my mouth. The disgusting taste was still there but much less noticeable.

Sam helped me out of the bathroom and sat me down by the vanity.

“Joy?” I asked.

She sprinted over to my side. “Yeah?”

“If I’m doing this my friends can’t know it’s me,” I said. They were probably still outside. Nick was the only one of my friends who had a car and his beat-up station wagon was going to stand out in this neighborhood.

“Sam?” Joy asked.

Sam glanced at the clock on Joy’s desk. “We don’t have much time.”

“Can you at least get her makeup?” Joy asked.

Lacy stepped forward but I couldn’t look her in the eyes. I was too angry at her. “I can find some clothes,” Lacy said.

The ironic nature of what she was volunteering for was not lost on me. I wasn't amused. “Gina, can you find me an outfit?” I asked. I didn’t know how she normally dressed because I’d never met her before last night but I didn’t want Lacy anywhere near the clothes I was going to wear.

“I’ll help with your hair,” Joy said. “Lacy, why don’t you fetch everyone their bags so we can all change while working on her?”

Joy had called me, ‘her’ twice which caught me off guard.

Before I could complain she leaned over and whispered, “You better get used to people calling you her.”

When Joy pulled away she made eye contact with me. It was only a few seconds but it felt like we were having a really long conversation.

I understood so I nodded.

I’d like to say that after that, I could keep track of what everyone was doing but I couldn’t. It was a pure pandemonium of clothes, makeup, and curling irons. I was even having a problem keeping track of what was happening to me.

Sam pulled me to my feet as Joy helped remove the nightgown. Before I knew it I had a skirt on that showed a lot of leg. Gina had a top already pushed up one of my arms and I didn’t even see her do it.

By then all of the girls were in a state of half dress. Sam had a pair of jeans on but still had the nightgown over them. Joy had a top on but nothing on the bottom but her undies. Gina was mostly dressed and pulling on a shirt. Lacy, I mostly ignored but I saw her struggling with a dress at one point.

When I checked the clock it was already seven. I tried pointing at it but Gina caught my hand and pulled it through the other half of the blouse.
I tried to say, “It’s seven!” but by then the top was over my head and my voice was muffled. Sam was getting makeup ready and didn’t hear. Joy was hooking up a curling iron and Lacy was nowhere to be seen.

My clothes finally on Sam sat me down and turned the chair. I could no longer see what anyone else was doing. While I was sitting Joy grabbed my hair and brushed it out. Surprisingly, there were no tangles. When she finished brushing it, she tied it up.

Due to the fact I was facing a wall, I was finally able to concentrate.

“Sam, do your thing,” Joy said. “I'll finish getting ready.”

Sam was in a hurry. I could tell by how quickly she was applying the makeup. Before it was an almost luxurious experience. It was like when someone washes your hair for you at a hair salon. This time it felt different, she was only touching my face where she had to.

“You really don't need much of this,” she said.

That wasn’t what I wanted to hear but I needed better than that. “They can’t recognize me.”

“I know, I know,” She said.

I looked up at her and caught her eyes. “No, I need to be really girly.”

“Okay, hmmm,” Sam said. “I know what to do.” She turned around and hunted through her makeup box.

The bedroom door opened up and I turned to see who it was. Lacy was here and she had my binder. She carried it in one hand letting it dangle from a single finger. I could tell it was still wet based on the color alone. “Got the binder,” she said and ran into the bathroom. My binder was such an important part of my clothing and seeing her carelessly fling it around was pissing me off.

I wasn’t sure where Gina went but then I heard her and Joy talking to Lacy in the bathroom.

“Turn this way,” Sam said and grabbed my chin pulling it and me in the direction she wanted.

It hurt a bit and I let my face show it.

“Don’t give me that face,” Sam said. “I’m trying to help you.”

She was right and was the one person I didn’t want to cross. “Sorry,” I said.

“It’s okay, just stay still.”

I went through the motions with her having me close my eyes and morph my face so she could better apply the makeup. I didn’t hesitate like I did last night when she came to the lipstick. Mostly because I knew we were all on a strict time schedule.

The other girls were actually in the bathroom the whole time. I wondered what they were doing in there.

“Done,” Sam said. “Have a look.” She gave me a small mirror with a powder of some sort on the bottom of the case.

My face was done again in the brown pallet of colors like last night. The biggest difference was my eyes. It was almost like they were popping out of my face but in a good way. Whatever she had done had made me look almost cat-like.

My hair was up in one of the girly ponytails where it’s all pulled up near the upper part of the head. I was torn between being satisfied that my friends would never know it was me and wanting to cry. There was no boy at all in there. What am I going to do?

“No, no, no-no-no. No crying, it'll mess it up,” Sam said as she flailed her arms around. Eventually, she took the mirror away from me.

I didn’t have anything to look at anymore except for what I was wearing. It didn’t help that my chest was partially exposed and the skirt I was wearing didn’t even cover my knees. I did the only thing I could, I held myself.

“Joyyy,” Sam said. “Time to switch.”

Sam put her cosmetics back into their case which broke me out of my pity party.

Joy came running in on her tiptoes for some reason. It was pretty silly and changed my mood. If only a little. “Okay, one minute.” She had a can of hairspray in her hand and was spraying it as she moved.

Joy’s hair was the same color as mine but thinner. She tiptoed her way back into the bathroom.

Sam and I had a brief moment where we glanced at each other, made eye contact, and laughed. That was one of the funniest things I had seen in a while. I needed it.

“Can you look at the bed for me and don’t stop till I say so?” Sam asked.

I shrugged my shoulders and turned in the chair.

After thirty or so seconds she said, “Ok you can turn around.”

The nightgown that Sam had on was now on the ground and she had a simple grey t-shirt on. She was so tall and her red hair, even though she had bedhead, was pretty.

Then it hit me. The testosterone pill I had in my pants was ruined. I was supposed to take it today but even if it was still intact after being washed, I wasn’t going to ingest something that had poop on it. I had a whole bottle of them at home so I wasn't too worried.

When Joy didn’t show up in a timely manner Sam glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. “Swap with me?” she asked.

We exchanged positions. Sam pulled the chair closer to the vanity and cleaned her face with a wipe.

Joy popped out of the bathroom. “Kennedi, come in here.”

It didn’t kick in that she meant me until she asked me a second time.

Her face had this sympathetic look plastered all over it. When I got to her she led me into the bathroom.

Gina and Lacy were in there fully dressed and working on their makeup. Luckily the toilet was right across from the door so we had a little room.

“Have a seat.” Joy said.

She and I swapped places and I sat down. Musical chairs was not one of my favorite games and I seemed to be inadvertently playing it today.

“You should give her bangs!” Lacy said.

I didn’t know what bangs were and I wasn’t particularly happy with any input from Lacy at that moment. I let her know with an unimpressed look.

Joy put a hand on my shoulder. “I told them to call you she and her.” Joy then looked at Lacy. “And, we don’t have time for anything like that.”

“What's bangs?” I asked.

Joy pointed at Gina’s hair.

Gina pointed at the shorter hair covering her forehead. “These.”

“I can’t do that!” I said. I still had to live my life after this. Cutting my hair that short was not an option.

Joy shook her head. “Don’t worry. I won’t cut your hair. I just wanted to get everyone’s stories straight.”

Relief washed over me.

“I told Heather we needed more time,” Lacy said.

I was confused for a moment and then I remembered that Heather was Joy’s mom. After I figured it out I was back to being angry at Lacy again. She did something right but I still wasn’t impressed.

Joy caught on or something because she pulled me to my feet, grabbed one of Lacy’s hands, and dragged us into her room. “You two need to make up.”

Lacy wouldn’t look at me.

It was the opposite for me. I couldn’t stop staring at her.

“Lacy, say you’re sorry.” Joy said.

She still couldn’t look at me. “Sorry,” Lacy squeaked.

“Wal- I mean Kennedi,” Joy said.

I stood there silently. If only Lacy would look up at me she would see the death stare I was performing.

Joy put a hand on each of our shoulders. “You two have to get along. If my mom finds out, she’s going to make you call your parents.”

To save my own ass I would probably do anything but I was still angry at Lacy.

Joy’s hand clamped slightly on my shoulder. “She didn’t know your clothes were behind the toilet.”

“Fine!” I said.

“Fine, what?” Joy asked.

“It was an accident! Whatever! Can we do my hair now?” I said.

Joy crossed her arms and stared at me. “Turn around.”

I didn’t have to look at Lacy anymore so I gladly turned around. Something happened behind my back and then suddenly the bra I was wearing snapped against it. It made me hiss and arch backward.

I tried rubbing it but couldn’t reach it. I faced Joy. “What was that for?”

“One, for not using your girl voice, and two, for being an asshole.” Joy said.

I’d totally forgotten about using the girlie voice. As for being an asshole, I didn’t see it that way.

Joy crossed her arms again. “Say you accept her apology.”

Lacy glanced at me for a second and then looked away.

When I got here last night I never imagined that a situation like this was going to happen. I liked girls and didn’t think I would be angry at one like I was now. My sister Alice was different. We fought all the time. Being this angry at a girl I barely knew felt kind of weird when I thought about it. When I thought about it a bit more, Lacy was nothing but nice to me last night.

“It’s okay,” I said. “I know you didn’t mean it.” It was weird that I couldn’t look at Lacy.

When I finally did look at her, Joy smiled. “See isn’t th—”

Lacy pushed past Joy interrupting her and hugged me.

I stood there with my arms up as she squeezed me. Joy gave me an upward nod so I put my arms around Lacy and squeezed her back.

After a few seconds, she came back up with tears streaming down her face. “I’m s-so sorry, Walker.”

“It’s okay,” I said. I took in a deep breath and then smiled. “Just don’t poop on my clothes again.”

“Ha!” Sam laughed from the vanity.

Joy took Lacy’s shoulders and forced her to face her. “You messed up your makeup.” Joy gave her a small hug. “Now go fix it.”

Lacy glanced at me and I gave her a little smile. She gave me one back and ran off to the bathroom.

Joy put an arm around my shoulder and walked me over to where she plugged in the curling iron. “That was really nice,” she whispered and then let her hand slip behind my back where I felt her grab the strap again.

“I’m sorry about the voice,” I said in my best imitation of them. It was easy to keep my voice high but I kept forgetting.

She let go and smiled at me. “That was actually really good. Keep doing that.”

I put a shoulder up, laid one of my hands on my chest, and fluttered my eyelashes at her.

She rolled her eyes. “Okay, so.” She pushed me away and put me at arm's length. “I’m just going to do a ponytail and maybe…” She squinted her eyes. “Pull out some strands of hair. Then I’ll make a part in the middle so your hair frames your face. I’ll curl those after I get it right.”
“It’s not permanent, is it?” I asked.

“What the curls?” She shook her head. “No, it’s just heat, it should go back to normal by the end of the day or when you take a shower.”

“Oh.”

“You can take a shower before you go home,” she said.

It’s just one morning as a girl. I told myself. No biggie, right?

Joy tilted her head to the side. “You ready?”

After a slight hesitation, I nodded my head.

“Okay, face this way.” She said and guided me where she wanted. She pulled out the cloth band that was holding my hair up. My hair fell down my face and she ran her fingers through it. “You’re so pretty.” There was a longing in her voice. Jealousy maybe.

I didn’t know how to respond to that.

She stood there staring at me with her fingers still in my hair. My heart pounded in my chest as she closed in on me. When our foreheads met our eyes locked. Her fingers glided up and down the back of my head.

What is she doi—

Her eyes closed and her lips touched mine sending little electric signals through my body. Time stopped, I didn't know if we were there for an instant or an hour. When she pulled away and turned around I was stuck staring at the back of her head trying to catch my breath.

I glanced at Sam and she didn’t look like she saw us. Gina and Lacy were still in the bathroom. I ran my hand up one of Joy’s arms and she pulled away.

She grabbed her brush from her dresser and without looking at me she walked behind me. “Let's get your hair done, Kennedi.”

I was left wondering if Joy liked girls. There was a huge stigma at school if you were gay. If people found out they had more than a few nasty names they would mutter under their breath as you passed them in the halls. Being as small as I was, I was singled out a lot at school.

As Joy ran the brush through my hair I had to force myself not to shudder from the feeling.

“I’m done over here if you want to sit him down,” Sam said.

The brushing stopped. “Sure.” Joy’s reply came out breathy. “Kennedi.”

At that moment I hated that name. I wanted to be Walker again, the Walker Joy knew before last night.

Joy led me to the chair and I sat down. She continued avoiding eye contact as she did my hair.

I picked up the small case that Sam gave me earlier and opened it up. I pretended to watch what she was doing so I could see her.
Sam had disappeared.

My hair was pulled taught and lifted above my head. She grabbed like three black hair ties and snapped them around my hair.

She then set the brush down and picked up a comb. Joy had to get close to me and I could feel her warm breath beating against my skin. She took the comb and used the tip of it to loosen a portion of my hair on both sides of my face. It almost made a heart.

“Your ponytail is kind of small, curling it won't come out well.” Joy said. She walked away. “Gimmie a sec.”

Joy went to her dresser, grabbed a piece of paper, and brought it back. “This won't hurt.”

She set the paper aside and picked up the curling iron. She then wrapped about four inches of my hair around it. It didn't take long for her to release it and move on to the other side. She released that side and then unplugged the curling iron and ran off to the bathroom.

I took a moment to look at myself in the mirror. My eyes looked so big. Whatever Sam had done combined with my hair made me look ultra-feminine. My hair had lost some of the ‘heart’ it had before but the large curls looked so for lack of a better word, pretty.

Is this really me? I wondered.

Joy returned with a can of hairspray. She picked up the piece of paper she had earlier and carefully slipped it between my face and hair. Then she sprayed the heck out of the curls. She then repeated the process on the other side.

She removed the paper and tossed it in a little trash can I hadn't noticed was there.

I remembered last night when my feet wouldn't fit in her heels. I was suddenly worried about having shoes that would fit.

She brought back a pair that looked like heels but without the actual heels. “These are flats,” she said. “Try them on.”

They were a pale pink which wasn't exactly something I would have picked out. On my first attempt, they shipped on like they were made for me.

What the.

“You look confused,” she said.

I was stuck in a spot where I had to either admit last night's trial or make something up. “I tried the red heels on last night and they didn't fit.”

She laughed, “I got those, like, a year or two ago so they are pretty small.”

When I noticed that Joy was looking at me again it was too late because she looked away when we made eye contact.

Gina, Sam, and Lacy came out of the bathroom and stared at me.

“Holy shit,” Sam said.

Gina moved closer to me. “Have you seen yourself yet?”

“Just through this,” I said as I lifted the little mirror. It snapped shut and scared me.

Gina reached for my hands. “You gotta see this.”

I put the little mirror down and let her help me up. We all walked to the closet together. The shoes were pretty easy to walk in, which was something I didn't expect.

I could see all of us in the mirror and I purposely watched everyone but me. When I was ready I moved closer so I could get a good first look.

The girl standing there was nearly unrecognizable. Last night my hair wasn't done and it apparently made a huge difference.

I was wearing a poofy-sleeved top similar to the one I had on last night but it was black. The neckline was really low showing off part of my boobs. It also brought out how pale I was. The skirt I was wearing was the same color as my shoes but plaid with black mixed in.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Lacy said and ran to the vanity. She grabbed a poofy pink hair tie and had me lean over so she could put it in my hair.

“That's a scrunchie by the way,” Joy said.

The scrunchie wasn’t even holding my hair up, it was just for looks. It did bring a splash of pink above my waist which I guess matched but I still didn’t like pink.

Even though these clothes were probably the girliest I’d ever worn, I liked them. I didn’t really know why either. I felt happier in them than I ever did in my clothes. Thinking about it gave me a headache so I put it aside.

“You like them,” Joy said. Her forehead was pushed together almost as if she were disappointed in me. She shook her head. “I have to finish my face.” and walked into the bathroom.

Gina had the complete opposite reaction. She was overjoyed at the sight of my new outfit and looked like she could break out into squeals of content any sec—

She screeched. “You look so good!”

Called it. I thought. I nodded and put my head down too afraid to show how I felt.

Sam and Lacy stared at me as if I were a ghost or something.

Gina suddenly grabbed my arm and stood next to me. “Okay, so if you get scared just stand up straight.”

I tried it because I was pretty damn scared.

“See,” she said. “You look more imposing.”

She was right. I would definitely be too scared to approach the girl in the mirror.

I put my hand on my hip, pointed my nose up, and looked at Lacy. “Get my car Alfred.”

Her eyes sprung wide. I tried to make my voice like theirs and maybe did too good of a job.

They, of course, didn’t get the Batman joke. They really needed to work on their nerd culture.

Gina covered her mouth and giggled. She appeared as if she was enjoying this more than I was.

There was a small part of me that was really excited and I didn’t know why. The rest of me was chilled to the bone with fear.

Joy walked back into the room and my demeanor melted. “Where’s your wallet?”

“In my pant—”

Lacy jumped in. “No, I took it out before I washed your pants. It was the only thing that wasn’t wet.” Then she ran into the bathroom and
immediately returned with it in hand.

“Ninja Turtles? Really?” Sam asked.

It was an older wallet and I never got an official leather one. I put my hand out and Lacy gave it to me. “Michelangelo is pretty cool,” I said. He
was the comedic relief in the show and I loved that about him.

It took me something like thirty seconds to realize I had nowhere to put my wallet.

“In here,” Joy said and walked into her closet.

I followed her.

She glanced at me a few times and then opened one of the drawers built into the wall. She rummaged through it and pulled out a purse and shoved it into my hands. “Put it in there.”

As she was pushing past me to walk out I transferred the purse to one hand and grabbed her arm with my open hand.

She stopped and faced me. Her eyes were wild with anger.

“Please don’t be mad,” I said.

She hissed. “Why do you have like it?”

I didn’t know what to say. When I looked down, she shook off my hand and walked out.

“Joy,” I said.

She put her hands on her hips. “What, Kennedi?”

The way she said Kennedi was more like an insult than a name.

“Come here,” I said.

When she walked into the closet I pushed past her, flicked on the light, and grabbed the handle. “Be right back,” I told the three girls and closed the door.

“What?” Joy asked before I could turn around.

Instead of saying something I walked up to her and put my forehead against hers like we did earlier. My vision was obscured and I could only see her eyes.

“Walk—”

“Shhhh,” I shushed her.

I found her shoulders with my hands and ran them down her arms. Inch by inch I trailed my nails down her skin. When my hands finally met hers I entwined our fingers.

Joy’s eyes were a deep brown. They twitched back and forth taking in what little we could see of each other. The makeup around her eyes was nearly perfect. She had a tiny mole or freckle, I couldn’t tell which, on the bridge of her nose. It was so cute seeing her imperfection.

A warmth spread throughout my body. It started in my private area and spread like a wave to the tips of my toes. I involuntarily shook a little.
It didn’t feel wrong holding her like this.

When she closed her eyes, I closed mine and gave her a gentle kiss.

“We can’t,” she whispered. It sounded like a plea.

“Shhh.”

I wiggled a finger feeling her soft skin. I waited to see if she would do something in response. When she wiggled a finger back at me, I smiled.

It was so weird standing in a closet with girls' clothes on. I hadn’t opened my eyes yet but I wanted to see her again so I devised a plan.
Slowly I raised our hands up to our faces. I turned our wrists so I could get my mouth on the top of her hand. I put my lips to her wrist as if I were going to kiss it and then blew hard giving her a raspberry.

She giggled and I opened my eyes.

Her eyes were wide open and she was staring at me again. Her cheeks puffed up into my vision. She was smiling.

When I kissed her again her face turned red. I didn’t close my eyes but hers closed. Seeing her eyes closed made my heart flutter.

Slowly and deliberately I backed up, keeping her hands in mine. Her eyes were still closed and her breathing was labored.

It took all of five seconds for her eyes to shoot open. She tried to pull forward toward me but I held her at a distance.

“You're so beautiful,” I whispered.

My elbows unlocked and she pulled me close, kissing me back.

We pressed our bodies together, getting as much of our skin to touch as possible.

What I didn't expect was the knock on the door.

“Uhmm, who’s there?” I asked as I turned my head.

Joy wiggled one of her hands loose and covered her face.

“Joy, we have to go,” Sam said.

I backed up a little and playfully shook our connected hands.

Joy moved her free hand from her face and fanned herself with it. I joined in on helping her cool off. Her eyes were locked on me. Her mouth barely opened and then she glanced at the door. “Be done in a minute.” The full warmth of her smile hit me then.

Instead of going for another kiss I grabbed her into a hug and held on. It was the closest I'd ever been with anyone that wasn't family and I didn't want it to end.

“You know, we do have to go,” she said. “Aaand we need to fix our makeup.”

Makeup was so new to me that I didn’t even think about it. “Shit.”

“Don’t worry,” she said as she opened the door.

The other girls were still outside the closet waiting for us. When they got a good look at us their eyes looked like they were going to pop out of their heads.

“Not. A. Word,” Joy said.

Sam didn’t look particularly impressed.

Joy broke our embrace and took off toward the bathroom.

“Over here, Walker.” Sam took one of my hands and led me to the vanity.

As I was sitting down Joy jogged over to Sam and me.

Joy touched Sam, getting her attention. “She isn’t, Walker.” She pointed at me. “Her name is Kennedi. Remember my mom is the one who I overheard talking about her… intersexness?” Joy looked at me and I didn’t know what word she was looking for so I shrugged. “Anyway, Kennedi, girl. Got it?”

Sam looked directly at me.

I didn’t expect her to look to me for confirmation. I gave her a slight nod.

“Okay,” Sam said but Joy was already gone. She threw up her arms in frustration. “Wal- Kennedi if you’re going to make visiting us a thing, you need to learn to do this yourself.”

The thought of doing this again wasn’t a new idea. I already told Sam, Gina and Lacy that we should have one with just the four of us. Either way, it made my heart race.

Learning to put on makeup wasn’t exactly a skill set I wanted but if it meant that I could stay with Joy again, I would learn. “Okay…”

“Not today though because we need to hurry,” she said.

Gina and Lacy were huddled together whispering between each other but I couldn’t hear what about.

My nose was suddenly assaulted by the stinky wipes as Sam cleaned my mouth off. I wondered if they made those in a non-stinky version.

It took less than a minute for Sam to fix my makeup. Joy came out shortly after Sam was done.

“Purse?” was the first thing Joy asked.

In our heated moment, I must have dropped it. I ran to the closet and picked up the purse and wallet.

“No, no, no, no, no.” Joy warned. “You don't bend over like that unless you want people looking up your skirt.”

There was so much I didn't know. I was super afraid I was going to mess everything up.

“Later! We have to go!” Sam warned.

The purse was a simple cloth bag with all kinds of pockets. It made me want to check them for exploration's sake. Instead, I tossed the wallet inside and caught up with the girls. They were all halfway out the door already.

I felt as if I were forgetting something and swept my gaze across the room before leaving. When I didn't see anything I needed, I closed the door behind me.

***
Joy's mom was waiting for us at the bottom of the stairs. She was staring at her watch and turning the little knob on it. My mom did the same thing, always adjusting the time. “C'mon girls,” she said. “Head out to the car. Your dad and I will be right behind you.”

Being considered one of the girls was weird. It was also weird wearing a shirt where people could see my chest. Not to mention the short skirt. I felt very exposed.

The girls went downstairs and I trailed behind them. When we got to the bottom everyone headed for what I suspected was the front door but Joy's mom veered me away from them.

“Kennedi, are yo—” She stopped herself. “You're really pretty.”

If I had a nervous warning light it would be glowing right then.

Joy and the Misfits stopped, probably because they heard Joy’s mom. I glanced at Joy for a moment as her mom checked me out. It was really awkward.

“Sorry, you just took me by surprise. Are you feeling better?”

I nodded. Feeling better was an understatement. Joy and I hadn't officially talked about it but I was pretty sure we were back together. I was on such a high that breakfast was feeling like a formality rather than a prison sentence.

She put a hand on my shoulder. “You can talk to us, even if you're scared, okay?”

Joy looked as nervous as I felt. I didn’t know what else to do so I nodded again. My mom was the same way. It was so annoying. Weirdly I felt sorry for Joy at that moment. When my mom did this to my friends, I hated it.

“Alright, go on.” Joy's mom said. I caught up with everyone and we quickly made our way outside.

The parents didn't follow us so we closed the door.

Joy rushed over to me. “You okay?”

I took a few deep breaths testing my lungs. Everything seemed good. “Yeah.”

“Okay good, the minivan is over here.” Joy said as she led us to the driveway.

Sam nudged me and leaned over. “Do you see your friends?” she asked.

I couldn't see past the tall hedges in front of the house so when we got to the driveway I walked past the van and scanned the street.

Nick's piece-of-crap station wagon was parked in front of the neighbor’s house. Vic was in the front with Nick and Johnny was in the back.
Steve was missing. He could be stubborn so it didn't surprise me. He was our best game master so I wouldn’t dare cross him.

Vic was staring at me. We had known each other for a long time. I trusted that Sam and Joy's work wou—

Vic's jaw dropped and then he mouthed the word ‘Walker’.

Shit! He knows! How the hell did he know?

I scurried back to the girls.

Vic was trustworthy and I was pretty sure he could keep this a secret. The other guys were mostly assholes but they couldn't keep a secret if their life depended on it.

“Is that them?” Joy asked as I got back to the Misfits.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“If you want to go with them, now's the ti—” Sam stopped talking. It made us all turn. Joy's parents were walking toward us.

It felt like it took an eternity for them to make it to us. For some reason, the Darth Vader song was playing in my head.

I had to have another look at the guys so I glanced back at them. They were still there watching.

When I turned around Joy's parents were already at the van and unlocking the doors.

“C’mon girls,” Joy's mom said.

Everyone filed into the van but I held back for a second.

Since Vic knew already it wouldn't hurt to at least let him know to get out of there.

Vic's dad taught us all kinds of military hand signals. I didn't want Vic waiting for me so I gave him the ‘retreat’ sign and then jumped into the van closing the door behind me.

***

Chapter 11 The Rear View

I slipped into the bench seat with Gina and Joy. It was at the very back of the van. The middle had two bucket seats similar to what you would see in the front of a car.

Joy sat in the center seat next to me even though Gina was smaller. When Joy’s hand snaked itself into mine I understood why she chose that seat.

I was too busy trying to keep my shit together to notice what everyone but Sam was wearing. And since Joy's parents were quiet I decided to have a look. Joy had on the white top I wore last night. She had a long floral print skirt that went a hand’s width past her knees. It looked really thin and loose.

Lacy was the oddball of the bunch wearing jean overalls that had a skirt built-in. One of the straps was off which was customary when wearing overalls. It was kind of a kid rule. She had a regular green t-shirt under that.

Gina was actually a little more stylish than the other girls. Her top was a dark blue but had white embroidery along the V of the collar. Her skirt was just slightly above her knees but was a solid black that looked super smooth.

Joy wiggled her fingers, getting my attention. The smile that spread across her face made me feel giddy. I’d never felt like that before. There was an untold rule that guys weren’t supposed to express their emotions. If caught expressing those emotions you were cast out, branded a pussy. No guy wanted to be that. It meant that you were weaker than the other guys. I cried easily and because I was so short, it made me an easy target.

I think part of the reason I hadn't fled the sleepover was that they didn’t berate or ostracize me even once for sharing my emotions. The whole time I was expecting it but when it never came I let my defenses fall. Hopefully, that wouldn’t prove to be a mistake.

“Music anyone?” Joy’s dad asked.

Suddenly, everyone was talking at once giving suggestions on what they wanted to listen to. It was chaos. With two sisters that always spoke louder than I did I learned to keep my mouth shut, so I did that.

“Okay, okay, calm down. How about we let Kennedi choose since it's her first time out with us?” Joy's mom said.

Everyone stopped and looked at me. Oh fuck, why me? “Uhhh.” Years of practice thrown out the door by the first outing rule. “X one oh three—”

“Ohh yeah!” Joy’s dad interrupted. “The inland empire’s alternative rock! KCXX!” For the last part, he did it in a real deep voice mimicking the radio station's slogan.

My focus was on Joy’s dad the whole time and I didn’t notice till like ten seconds after he turned on the radio that all the girls were staring at me. The one major change was they looked horrified. My heart went into overdrive and my breathing increased. “What?” I asked.
“Rock? You like rock?” Lacy asked. Her face was scrunched up as if she were disgusted.

As if the long hair I was sporting didn't tell the entire tale. My friends loved rock and so did I. “What’s wrong with rock?”

“It’s just a bunch of guys screaming,” Gina said.

Not only was she wrong but some of the hottest girls sang rock. I counted out, “Gwen Stefani, Alanis Morissette, Jewel, Lisa Loeb, and there’s like so many more girls that are into rock.”

I, of course, didn’t have any of their CDs but I wasn’t going to tell them that. I was more into stuff like Green Day or Nirvana. I figured Joy liked rock because she had a thing for Kurt Cobain. Then again there were girls I thought were attractive and I didn't listen to their music.

“What-ever,” Gina said and showed me her palm.

Sometime during our conversation Joy let go of my hand. Her parents were paying attention to us so I understood why. I crossed my arms, which was awkward because I wasn't used to having boobs there. “You all probably like ‘The Real World.’”

“The Real World is good!” Gina screeched.

I laughed. “It's so fake!” My sisters and mom watched the show and every time I saw it, I cringed.

At least three of the girls gasped.

“I like this girl,” Joy's dad said.

Joy's mom shushed him and slapped his arm.

“Hello, It's called ‘The Real World’ of course it's real!” Lacy said.

I facepalmed while shaking my head. Then I remembered I had makeup on and checked my hand. There was a little lipstick on it but not enough to be worried about. I rubbed my lips together, hoping it would even out and not look weird.

Lacy's flawed logic didn't deserve a response so I kept quiet.

Red Hot Chili Peppers came on just then and Joy's dad turned it up. I drummed along with the music and bobbed my head. RHCP was one of my favorite bands. A few years ago I spent a couple of hours writing down the lyrics to some of their songs. I would record their music on a tape and then rewind it to get the words they sang correct. It was a lot easier now since I had a PC and could look up the lyrics online.
It was Saturday, so the traffic wasn't bad. The girls had resigned to sinking into their own little world of thought. It was just the music and the road.

Before long Joy tickled my hand and our fingers found themselves merging again. A game formed between us. She would wiggle a finger and then glance at me. I would do the same thing to her and the game would repeat. It sounds stupid but it was quite fun. It felt as if butterflies were flying around in my stomach.

Then Nirvana’s ‘Smells like Teen Spirit’ came on the radio. “Turn it up!” I screeched.

Nirvana was my favorite band. I was a true fan and started listening to them a few months after their first album came out. All the posers jumped on the bandwagon after Kurt died.

Joy's dad's eyebrows went up. Then he shrugged and turned it up.

I couldn't believe it had already been two years. I was devastated when Kurt died. That was the first time I cried when someone I didn't actually know passed. It brought up feelings about my dad and I couldn't handle it all.

I ran away from home that year. Vic had a shed that we would use as a clubhouse and I stayed there for a few days. Vic's mom saw Vic sneaking out food the first day. She called my mom and they let me have some space. I ended up going back home on my own. Believe it or not, I missed my family. That and I got tired of eating nothing but Mexican food all the time.

Joy squeezed my hand pretty hard. She had a worried look on her face when I caught a glance. I mouthed, “It's okay” and gave her a thumbs up.

She nodded.

Getting stuck in my head was going to be a problem. It already got me in trouble in school. The number of times I’d been slapped on the back of my head was probably causing brain damage. Instead of pondering something else deep—and believe me thinking about school always brought deep thoughts—I focused on the music and Joy. Part of me couldn’t believe that Joy liked me. We’d only ever given each other pecks on the lips before today. I didn’t know that kissing could feel so good.

I tickled Joy’s hand with a finger. That started up our little game again.

When the music lowered and Joy’s mom turned in her seat, Joy's hand slipped out of mine.

Heather wasn’t the one driving so she had a clear view of me through the middle seats. I was behind Joy’s dad and Sam. “Kennedi, you have to be one of the more popular girls at school,” she said.

Calling me a girl made my heart sink a little, so I froze. Still, I wondered where she was going with this.

“So why don’t you introduce Joy to them?” she asked.

Joy squirmed in her seat. “Mom!”

“You need to be more social. Join a club and make more friends,” Joy’s mom said.

Joy crossed her arms. “Those girls are bitches!”

“Language!” Joy’s mom warned.

Luckily, I wasn’t one of those popular kids, so I didn’t react. Joy was right though, they were bitches.

“Heather, you’re meddling,” Joy’s dad said.

Joy’s mom slapped his shoulder. “Mark!”

Mark ignored her. “Here, why don’t you girls find something else to listen to?” He leaned over and dug his hand into a large pocket hanging off the side of his seat. He pulled out a case and held it behind him. Sam didn’t hesitate in taking it from him. The familiar crackle of velcro resonated throughout the van. I couldn’t see what she was looking at but I figured it was a CD case. The minivan’s stereo was pretty nice, for a van.

My uncle Tim loved muscle cars and always decked them out with insane sound systems. He often wanted me to cruise around with him but he stopped asking when I kept saying no. All we ever did was drive around the neighborhood making car alarms go off. Video games were much more important to me and he wasn’t into gaming like I was.

Heather did not look happy. I was pretty sure she wanted to help Joy but the popular kids were idiots. She turned away from us. I'd never seen a grown-up pout before but that's what she did before turning away from us.

My mom didn't try to butt into my life like that. Which, I was grateful for. I probably would have run away for longer if she did.

“This one,” Sam said as she stretched her hand out toward Joy’s dad. She had the CD on her finger.

Joy’s dad looked at Heather, then at the CD. When Heather didn't move he took the CD and slid it into the player. The weird thing was that the disc didn't have a standard cover. Instead, it was a plain disc like the stack I had on my desk. It meant that the songs were probably pirated. I didn't have a job or a car so that was the main way I consumed music.

And then, Madonna's Vogue came on. It took all of my willpower to not roll my eyes and cover my ears. My mother was obsessed with Madonna and this song was on non-stop at the house. I tried to focus on Joy instead and squeezed her hand. She smiled at me and tilted her head as if she were going to lean on me but caught herself.

It made me think about our situation for some reason and I was suddenly self-conscious. The purse in my lap was the first thing that my mind lept to. There were several pouches that lined its side. The pockets— from what I could tell— were empty. It was made of cloth and rather flimsy.

I hadn't brought a backpack with me to Joy's. Before I went to her house I left my backpack at Rich's. There was a change of clothes and some gaming books in there. I mentally scolded myself for leaving it. Thinking about it was distracting me which was killing some time at least.

Joy and I continued our little game for a while.

The music ended up being a mix of ‘80s and early ‘90s songs. Most of them were pop. While I didn't like pop, Joy sang along and it was too cute.

Lacy and Sam started a conversation about which one of the girls singing was their favorite but I kept out of it.
There was traffic but when you're passing by LA you're bound to hit it. Anaheim wasn't somewhere I went all that often. In fact, I'd only been there once. It was with my parents when we went to Disneyland.

Joy’s dad seemed so carefree. James, my stepdad, didn't make as much money as my real dad so going out was usually a luxury. He wasn't a bad guy. The fact that he'd helped me learn how to build a PC was really cool. We hadn't bonded other than that though. Either way, James worked super late almost every day which didn't allow us to spend much time together.

Lacy pointed at her window and screeched.

Joy's hand darted out of mine.

Everyone looked out the window. I could see one of the rollercoasters from Magic Mountain.

“Have you ever been?” Joy asked.

When I shook my head she put her hand over her mouth. At that moment Heather must have been watching us and asked, “What?”

Joy turned to her mom. “Sh-she’s never been to Magic Mountain!”

“Maybe she can come with us the next time we go.”

Joy and her mom turned to me. As much as I actually wanted to go I knew they weren't asking me but they were asking Kennedi. “Maybe?” squeaked out.

“She probably has to talk with her parents,” Joy said.

Heather nodded. “You should give me your mom's number and we'll plan it out. Maybe we can all go.”

My shoulders rose and sank to her question. I highly doubted my parents could afford a trip like that. The real reason I ate like a pig was that I didn't get much food at home. Most of the time I was stuck eating ramen or bologna sandwiches.

Heather turned and Joy grabbed my hand again. Then out of nowhere Gina threw her hands up and rocked her body back and forth. Another Madonna song came on. It was an older one I'd heard several times but didn't know the name.

Gina's snapped her fingers to the beat. She was mimicking the dance that Alex taught us last night. Thinking of Alyx certainly wasn’t something I wanted to keep in my head.

The other girls didn't share Gina’s enthusiasm. They did, however, bob their heads along with the music.

‘Queen’ came on after that which was a relief from all of the pop songs. All of us singing “We will rock you!” brought my mood up.
Before I knew it we pulled off the freeway and I took in the sights. Everything looked so much more modern. Our town looked better than some but Anaheim was so upscale. Even the fast-food restaurants like McDonald's were more extravagant. I couldn’t believe the size of the play area. Young me would have loved to jump into the plastic ball pit. My parents used to take my sisters and I out all the time. The big change to that lifestyle after dad died was jarring.

Riding with these girls brought back old feelings. I missed my dad so much.

“Almost there,” Joy's dad said.

I nudged Joy. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“Nope,” she replied. “But my parents have been talking about getting an exchange student.”

Heather peaked her head around the seat. “We're thinking about next year.”

“That's cool,” Sam said. “Where from?”

Joy leaned forward. “The Philippines or China.”

“You're Korean aren't you Gina?” Sam asked.

Gina's head bobbed up and down.

It suddenly hit me I was about to go out in public dressed as a girl. The air as I breathed came in less and less. Joy must have noticed because she grabbed my hand and squeezed hard. The pain distracted me and I turned to her.

She leaned in close and whispered, “It'll be okay.”

Her breath tickled my ear and made me shudder. Whatever she was doing was working because it got easier to breathe. Then we turned into the Golden Corral’s parking lot. I squeezed Joy's hand back. It was as if my whole body became extra sensitive. I could feel every flaw in the pavement through the frame of the car. The speed bumps were especially jarring.

In an instance of bad luck, Joy's dad said, “Oh look, a spot right up in front!”

I squeezed my eyes shut and wished I could disappear.

***

Chapter 12 Mad Dash

As much as having powers like being invisible would be amazing—especially in the girl’s locker room—it was like all super abilities, imaginary.

When my mind drifted into the invisibility scenario it kept jumping back to last night. Seeing the girls half-naked with the same parts as me, was unsettling. It apparently killed my locker room dreams too. So much so that I had let go of Joy's hand to clear my head.

The doors to the van were already sliding open before I could even move my eyelids. I wondered if they would let me hide in the van. Doubt it. I thought.

“Come on girls,” Heather said.

When I opened my eyes I checked my hand. It was shaking.

Joy was standing at the door waiting for me.

Fuck, fuck fuck! I was stuck with no other option so I got up and joined the others outside.

The parking lot was pretty much full so we really were lucky to get this spot. Several older people passed us and didn’t give me a second glance. Even a couple of kids passing by didn’t look.

Everyone else was chatting about what they were going to eat but I was too nervous for my brain to decode what they were saying.

My legs were moving on their own as I followed Joy.

I stumbled a few times and Heather fell back next to Joy. She was trying to say something to me but I didn’t understand. My brain was too muddled to comprehend her words. After we made it to the door she stopped talking and joined her husband Mark.

Joy was really close to me and kept putting her hands near my elbows when I stumbled. She was probably scared that I was going to pass out. I felt close a few times so I appreciated the help even if I couldn't express it.

When my fears of being beaten up or killed by someone never came to fruition my mind cleared up enough for me to walk properly.

There was a family of four behind us. They were at least in high school. Both were boys and one of them was eyeing me which made me nervous.

As if reading my mind, Joy turned me around and whispered, “Don't worry, they won't do anything.”

Heather turned around and gave me a once-over. No doubt she was making sure I was okay.

“You're dressed like one of the popular kids at school so you're going to get a lot of stares.” Joy whispered.

Everyone suddenly stopped and I almost ran into Gina before I put on the breaks.

There was a line so it looked like we were going to be waiting for a bit.

The place was busy but there were still a good amount of tables available.

A large counter filled with food under heat lamps had its own line. There were thick ceramic plates at the front. Employees lined the other side of the buffet. They would usually help you pick something to eat.

I’d only been to a breakfast buffet a few times in my life. I remembered the food was always good. I especially liked the “desert” options. Mom let me have sweets before my meal one time. I wanted to go back for more but she wouldn't let me. Dad's smile when he told her to let me have one more round was burnt into my brain.

A tear raced down my cheek and I quickly wiped it away before anyone saw it.

I felt more grounded and pushed my feelings back. Normally I would start to panic like I'd done several times at Joy's house but I felt different, stronger somehow.

Joy didn’t push me away when I grabbed her hand. Though I felt better, I needed someone close that cared about me so I appreciated her presence.

When we moved ahead a spot in line I noticed Gina staring at me. She looked away when she saw me looking at her.

What’s that all about? I wondered.

My focus was about normal by the time we hit the service desk. Heather paid for everyone and they directed us toward the food.

Gina was staring at me again when Lacy pinched her shoulder. “What are you going to get?” Lacy asked.

“I don’t know,” Gina said as she rubbed her arm.

Then Lacy noticed I was lucid. “What about you?” she asked me.

Instead of answering, I shrugged.

As Joy’s parents turned around Joy pulled her hand away from mine.

“Are you kids ready for breakfast?” Heather asked.

Everyone nodded but me. It took me a few seconds to catch up and do the same.

Heather's eyes lingered on me for a moment. “Okay, let’s go,” She said and led us to the food.

I ended up in the back which was fine by me. There was much less pressure to choose my food quickly. I could sometimes be a picky eater.

“You gonna be okay?” Joy asked.

My hand went to my chest as I felt my heart. It wasn’t beating fast. “I think so.”

She nodded and turned around.

No one seemed to be paying me any mind and when someone did look at me they smiled. Normally I would get all kinds of looks from people. They were usually unpleasant. The sudden opposite reaction was confusing.

People were staring at Sam though. One man’s eyes were wide and he pointed her out to his partner.

I found myself angry on Sam’s behalf. Why do people have to be such assholes?

Joy elbowed me. “Get a plate.”

In my stupor, I hadn’t noticed that it was my turn. I scooted forward and grabbed a plate.

The vast array of foods was even more intimidating than I remembered. To be honest I wasn’t that hungry. That late-night snack must have helped. Nerves could have been playing into it as well. My indecision grew as I reached the food. Sausage was a must but it was much further ahead in the line so I ended up having to wait for other people.

As I was grabbing a piece a lady asked, “Would you like eggs?”

I nodded. “Scrambled, please.”

“There’s some premade ones down there,” She gestured down the line. “Or we can make some fresh ones for you?” She pointed her thumb behind her.

The ones in the pan looked fine so I opted to take some of those.

Several of the people on the other side of the line kept glancing at me and smiling. I wasn’t sure if they were genuine smiles or “worker” smiles. All the attention I was used to was the opposite so I didn’t have the experience to tell the difference.

Then I came to the bacon. Normal people fawn all over it but I was anything but normal. The smell actually made me gag. I ignored its very presence.

We were near the end when I saw some of my favorite foods. Pancakes, waffles, cereal, and toast. I wanted pancakes but waffles with peanut butter sounded so much better. They would usually bring you peanut butter if you asked. Then again pancakes absorbed syrup like a sponge and the butter made the whole stack so creamy.

“K-Kennedi?” Joy asked. She was finished and waiting for me.

When I turned back to the food she tapped my shoulder.

“Are you coming?” she asked.

I didn't turn around. “Go ahead, I'll be right there.” The aromas had a hold of me and I forgot about my problems.

My imagination ran wild with the food combinations that were laid out before me. My eggs could go on the toast with salt and pepper. The lite eggy bite would only be interrupted by the crunch of the buttery toast.

Then I realized that I was hungrier than I thought I was. The family that was behind us in line was closing in on me and in a panic, I grabbed three pancakes and a couple slices of toast.

When I turned around I scanned the dining room for Joy and the misfits. They were practically on the other side of the restaurant.

I rushed forward and was interrupted as I slammed into something. My feet became tangled up in something and I fell. My food flew forward and I was just able to keep my plate in my hands.

A boy that looked like he was a football player was on the ground next to me. Our legs were entwined. It took me a second to register what had happened.

I dropped my plate into my lap, covered my head, and waited for the inevitable pummeling. I wouldn’t be able to see the hits coming but my head would be protected at least.

Instead of punches, a soft male voice came at me. “Are you okay?”

My hands drifted away from my face so I could get a peek at my assaulter. I wasn't one to look death in the face but today was different.

His brown hair was long and dangled in front of his eyes. For a moment I was lost in them. They were so blue they would make Hawaii's oceans jealous.

“Let me help you up,” Quietus said and reached out a hand.

For some reason, he didn't look angry. I'd ruined his shirt, the TARDIS blue was darkened and blotched. It was probably some sick joke so I scooted away from him.

I was able to get a better look at his body from here. Muscle-bound was a word I would use for him in our D&D games. Along with some other not-so-nice terms.

He put his arms up with his fingers spread wide. “I'm not going to hurt you. It was an accident.”

“I'm sorry,” I pleaded. Tears were building up in the wells of my eyelids.

He shook his head. “No, no it was my fault. I wasn't watching where I was going.”

He'd officially caught me off guard. He reached out again.

When I looked around us there were several families watching. There were too many witnesses here for him to do any real damage so I cautiously gave him a hand and he pulled me up. My plate flopped onto the ground. It was empty already so I wasn’t worried about it getting food anywhere. I’d forgotten all about the clothes I was wearing. Luckily Joy’s purse was still on my shoulder. He’s gonna know I'm a guy! I flinched at the thought.

“You don’t need to be scared, it's okay. Seriously.” He was still holding my hand and I was too afraid to pull away. It didn’t help that his voice was so incredibly calming. I needed to be alert but he was messing with my mind. The warmth he radiated reminded me of my dad’s when we used to arm wrestle.

A crash like this had happened at school once and I could still feel the bruises the kid had given me. Phantom injuries.

My dad would have never let the kids at school mess with me. He probably would have moved us away or put me in a private school. That stupid fucking cat… The dam on the bottom of my eyelids couldn’t handle the water pressure any longer and burst. Tears spread down my cheeks.

“It's okay, really. Let's get you some more food,” he said as he led me over to the front of the line. He let go of my hand, grabbed a plate, and passed it to me.

Two employees walked by us and went to clean up the mess we’d made. I avoided eye contact.

The plate was shaking as I struggled to hold it up. For some reason, it felt much heavier than the one I'd had earlier.

“What food do you like?” he asked.

I glanced up at him and then looked at the food. “S-sausage,” I squeaked out.

“Sausage, sausage,” he said as he searched the buffet.

When he didn't find it fast enough I pointed it out.

He smiled. It was pleasant, not like the devilish grins I'd usually see on people like him.

We walked forward together.

He pointed. “Have you ever had their ham?”

I shook my head.

“You should try it. It's salty and a little sweet.”

Trying new foods wasn't really something I liked to do.

“Oh, c’mon. Here,” he dug through the container and found a really small piece and put it on my plate. “Try it, and if you don't like it, don't eat it. I'm sure you'll like it though.”

I couldn't see Joy or anyone from here. I wondered if they saw me fall.

“What's your name by the way?” he asked.

“W-Kennedi.”

“Waa-Kennedi, that's a new one.”

His grin was contagious and I found myself smiling along with him.

“A smile!” he announced. “She smiles everyone!” A few people looked at us and shook their heads.

When I checked my plate I barely had a second to contemplate the whole gender thing before he moved. If I let him get too far ahead he would probably come back and make another scene. Being the center of attention was not something I liked so I followed him.

“Sausage, for the lady,” he said as he laid down a piece on my plate. “What next?”

Eggs were next so I pointed at them.

“Okay,” he said and grabbed the spoon. “How much do you want?”

He had somehow gotten past my defenses and I felt relaxed enough to make a joke. I pointed at the stain on his shirt. “Bout, that much.”

“Oh,” he said and looked down. “Funny.” He squinted at me as his face got serious.

My heart dropped and a lump instantly formed in my throat.

Suddenly he burst out in laughter. “You really have that doe in the headlights look down, don’t you?”

A breath slowly released from my nose as I squinted. “Don’t do that!”

He put his hands up and the spoon flung out a bit of eggs behind him. He saw what had happened and quickly scooped up a small portion of eggs and put it on my plate.

“Are you going to pick those up?” the nice lady who had pointed the eggs out to me earlier said as he dashed away.

My mouth dropped. I turned to the woman and our eyes made contact. She reached out a hand that had a napkin in it. I didn’t want to be responsible for his mess so I hurried after him even as the woman was shouting at me. I had to weave through people but I was moving so fast I didn’t even get to hear their complaints.

As I caught up to the boy he swung his hand at the food wordlessly asking what I wanted.

I pointed at the pancakes and he grabbed the tongs and put a couple on my plate.

As we hit the very end of the food line he caught my gaze again and I shook my head. We kept going and then he pointed at the drink station.

He grabbed a milk carton and I nodded. He also snagged a couple of napkins.

I was barely able to keep up with him. He made a quick turn and ducked into an empty booth. When I joined him he pulled my shoulder down so that I was ducking.

My breathing was labored and the world was darkening slightly. I did my best to try to control my breathing. The boy tried to talk to me but I had to put a finger up so he would wait a moment.

Being so hyper-focused on my breath made me extremely self-conscious. That’s when I realized the makeup I was wearing was probably ruined from my crying. Shit. Without a mirror, I didn’t know what to do. I reached for a napkin and he gave it to me. I dabbed at my eyelids like I’d learned earlier.

The face he was making made me smile. “What's your name?” I asked.

“Jesse,” he said.

“Like, Jesse from ‘Full House’?” It was an honest question because I never knew anyone with that name before.

He grinned. “Have mercy!” He mimicked Jesse's famous line from the show. He wasn’t as smooth as when John Stamos did it but he was close.

The show was one of my favorites and it went off the air last year. The last scene where Jesse plays the guitar was heartbreaking. When we found out that they weren’t going to make any more we rewatched the finale again. It was the first time I cried around my mom since my dad died.

Jesse took a deep breath. “So, are you here with anyone?”

“Yeah, they're—,” I pointed at Joy and them. “Over there.”

He didn’t even look. His eyes stayed locked on me. “Hey, give me a sec.”

He scooted out of his side of the booth and ran over to an empty table that hadn’t been cleaned yet and grabbed a glass of water. When he got back he dabbed a napkin in the water and said, “Come here.”

I leaned over unsure of what he was going to do. I was surprised when he proceeded to wipe my cheeks off.

He tossed the napkin behind him. “That’s better.”

This was all so confusing. Why is he being so nice?

“So, where are you from?” he asked.

Telling him the truth was the last thing I wanted. Him hunting me down and killing me was also something I was scared of. So, I tried to think of the farthest place I could. “Victorville.” That was probably two hours from here.

“A high desert girl.”

Him calling me girl was getting me pissed off. “I really hav—”

“What grade are you?” he asked.

I didn’t see any issues with telling him that. “Sophomore.”

A smile spread across his face. It confused me.

My breathing was better now so I stood up. “I should get to my friends.”

“Where were they again?” He asked.

When I pointed them out again he looked. When he turned to me his eyebrows rose. He probably saw Sam. “Cool, I'll walk you over.”

Before I could protest he was already out of the booth and heading in their direction.

I chased after him, keeping my plate close to me. He’s so fast! Crashing again scared me so I made sure no one else was ahead of me.

Joy had her hands on the table and was scanning the room. Then her eyes landed on me. She waved.

I raised my plate of food and smiled.

Her eyes moved from me to Jesse then back to me.

My shoulders went up and I mouthed ‘Later’.

When we got closer Joy's eyes went wide. Her parents' eyebrows shot up as they saw me.

“I have delivered to you one, Kennedi,” Jesse said as we arrived. “Five hundred and fifty-three dollars is my service fee.”
Joy grabbed her bag and dashed over to me. She took my plate, set it down, and led me away in some unknown direction.

Jesse stood there mute as we walked away.

***
I stopped as Joy tried to drag me into the girl’s restroom.

When she caught me looking at the boy's door, she just pulled harder and I went with her. It was that or lose the arm and I was pretty sure I couldn't grow another one.

We went directly to the sink and she hugged me. “I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone!”

My demeanor was statuesque as a woman walked out of a stall and stared at us.

Joy noticed my nonreactiveness and turned.

“I fell,” I said.

The woman nodded, washed her hands, and left.

Joy had this confused look on her face. “Tell me what happened?”

A mom and her three maybe four-year-old kid walked into the bathroom.

I turned around to see what I looked like. Smudged black streaks were where Jesse had wiped them.

“Let me help?” Joy asked.

It was so weird seeing the girl in the mirror looking back at me. I nodded and Joy got to work on my face.

A girl our age came in, glanced at me, and went right into an empty stall.

Joy ignored everyone but me. Her concentration was hardcore. I hated the stench from the makeup-removing towels. It didn't look like she was putting as much makeup on me as Sam did.

“So what happened?” Joy repeated herself.

I sighed. “After I got my food the first time—”

“There was a second time?” she asked.

“Yeah, when I was on my way to you I ran into Jesse and fell.”

Joy stopped applying makeup and stared. “Same guy who was walking with you?”

“Mmm-hmm,” I hummed as she went near my mouth with a powder of some sort.

She was quiet while she worked on one of my eyes.

Several women came and went and my heart skipped every time. I'll never get used to this. I thought.

Joy had to keep pulling my face in her direction because I kept checking the mirror. My mind was having problems seeing the girl in the mirror as me. Disassociation set in and goosebumps cascaded down my arms.

I kept expecting to feel something bad or wrong about my appearance but I felt nothing. Perhaps my mind was trying to process it all. The clothes were pretty great though, I knew that much. It was weird being so interested in girls' clothes. I never had a reaction or desire for them when I was a kid.

Joy asked me a question but I didn't hear what she said.

“What?” I asked.

She put away the lipstick she had just used. “I said, did he at least help you up?”

“Jesse?” I asked.

I got a quick nod from her.

For some reason, my mind focused on the warmth of his hand and how easily he pulled me up. Then an image of him sitting across from me, his blue eyes peeking through his brown hair flashed in my vision. My heart fluttered and a warmth spread through my body. A shallow breath escaped my lips.

Joy squinted at me. “What did he do?”

“H-he helped me up.” My body was reacting in a really weird way that I didn't understand. I was too scared to say anything about it and wasn't going to tell her that I had cried either. Crying was a weakness and I hated it. In fact, I wondered why Jesse didn't mess with me when I started crying. Last time I did it in front of my friends they wouldn't shut up about it for weeks.

Joy gave me a funny look. I wasn't sure what it meant. She got really close to me and whispered, “What aren't you telling me, Walker?”

“He helped me get food and…”

“What?”

The mad dash we'd made through the buffet after he tossed the eggs made me smile.

Joy slapped my shoulder. “What!”

“You'd have to be there to get it.”

“Tell me.”

My shoulders lifted slightly. “He threw some eggs and we had to run away from the egg lady.” It'd been a while since I ran away from grown-ups. On the weekends when I was still in elementary school I used to hang out at my high school. Vic and I would ride bikes there. Sometimes a security guard would chase us and my little adventure with Jesse reminded me of it.

“That's it?” she said. Her voice sounded like she was accusing me of something. I'd heard that tone from my sister's plenty of times.

I shook my head. “He just walked me back, that's it.”

We weren't exactly whispering and people started watching.

Joy looked behind her and saw the people I kept glancing at. She clenched her fists and started shaking.

Oh shit.

I really didn’t want her mad at me so I decided to confide in her. When I put my hand on her shoulder her whole body snapped around and it made her skirt flare.

“W-when I fell…” I leaned in close. “I started crying because I thought he knew about, you know…” I gestured at myself.

Joy took a step back and her eyes flicked back and forth as she scanned my face.

I looked down in embarrassment. A part of me was still waiting for Joy to make fun of me for expressing my emotions.

After what seemed like ages her face softened and she closed her eyes. “Do you like him?”

“What!” I leaned in close and whispered. “I'm not gay!”

She pushed me away and covered her mouth. Her eyes became puffy, and her face got really red.

It took me a little too long to understand why she was reacting that way. Then it hit me that she was likely struggling with the gay thing. “Sorry,” I said.

Eye contact between us went on for at least a full minute before she turned around.

When I glanced at a woman who was watching us she looked away. She turned to the mirror and acted like she was checking her makeup.

I wasn't sure what to do so I mimicked what the woman did. My makeup looked pretty much the same as when we left the house. When I looked closer I noticed the bottom of my eyes didn't have the black gunk on them. I wasn't sure what it was called to be honest.
Joy turned around and watched me examine my face.

“Under here?” I asked as I faced her.

She nodded and then sighed. It took her a few seconds but she started on my face again.

I had to be still for her but I was nervous so she had to tell me to stop moving more than once.

The thoughts of Jesse made me feel good and I was struggling to justify why. It was embarrassing. None of my friends make me feel like this. Joy had made me feel similar while we were kissing earlier which was confusing me even more.

When the nosey woman left, Joy gave me another hug. I didn’t waste the opportunity and hugged her back. My mind was a mess and I almost started crying again.

Somehow Joy knew because she pulled back. “No crying, I'm almost done.” Her voice was soothing. She continued where she left off. She finished pretty quickly.

I took in a shaky breath as Joy stepped back from me. She examined my face one last time and then my clothes. When she seemed satisfied she said, “Let's go.” Several makeup containers had migrated to the counter so I helped Joy put them away.

As we were walking, the teen girl came out of her stall. Her eyes lingered on me the whole walk to the door. I couldn’t help but wonder why she was staring.

***

Chapter 13 Reflections

I trailed behind Joy as she walked us back to the table. Everyone except Jesse was there. Believe me, I was happy about that, but there was still a part of me that wanted to see him. I shoved those feelings down.

Besides, there were enough things on my metaphorical plate right now and I didn't need some guy following me like a lost puppy.

Joy and I sat down. Everyone had set aside a spot next to her for me. They also moved my food next to hers.

The only thing that was missing was the milk carton. I wasn't sure if I had left it on that table Jesse and I sat at or what.

A familiar twinge and pressure had built up in my private area causing me to stand up. I hadn't actually gone pee since before I went to Joy's house. We were just in the restroom which made me feel even more awkward.

Joy looked up at me.

I leaned over and whispered, “I forgot to go pee.”

She spread her hands out and turned them up. The look she gave me made me feel like an idiot. She didn't need to give me that look I already felt that way.

Joy glanced at her friends and got up. Lacy, Gina, and Sam all stood with her.

“We're going back to the restroom.” Joy explained to her parents.

As if Joy's dad were mocking her he made the same gesture Joy had. “Didn't you just come back from there?”

“Yeah, someone.” Joy's eyes moved toward me, then back at her dad. “Forgot to actually use it though.”

Mark leaned back. “How do yo—”

Heather put a hand over his shoulder and he shut up. It was sort of funny seeing him be held back like he had done to Heather earlier.

As we were leaving I got a quick glance at everyone's plates. Mine was pretty far from Joy's parents, which I was thankful for. However, it was the only dish filled with food. The others looked like they were already halfway gone. I hoped that at least someone was going to get seconds so I wasn’t the last one eating. Besides, I wanted dessert. Jesse and I skipped that section in our rush to safety.

Joy paused just before we entered the restroom and I ran into her back.

I was able to stop so I didn’t fall down but had to grab my chest because it hurt.

“Don’t grab those.” Joy said when she turned around.

My arms dropped but it didn’t stop the pain.

“Okay, when you go in there, do not stand while going pee,” she said.

“No shit!” I snapped. I hadn’t actually thought of that but I was angry from the pain. I rubbed my chest anyway.

Joy's face twisted. “I'm just trying to help you!”

I didn't respond but I did stop rubbing. Why do these things always hurt so bad? The flesh-on-flesh bump from Joy wasn’t half as bad as when I hit my chest on a door jam or literally anything solid.

“Okay, let's go. The faster she gets done the faster we get back to the table.” Sam said.

Sam's logic was sound but Joy looked like she would rather chew me out longer. When Sam started walking, I followed her.

My bladder felt like it was going to explode. Besides, Joy could yell at me later.

This trip to the bathroom wasn't as interesting as the last one. The only tricky part was deciding if I should lift the skirt or pull it down. Out of laziness’ sake, I pulled it up because I didn't want to deal with a zipper. The purse I set on top of the toilet paper dispenser.

The girls' restroom smelled better than the guys. Women tended to wear perfume and sometimes it lingered. It took me a while but I eventually relaxed enough to let loose. I finished as fast as I could and was washing my hands in no time.

The Misfits were whispering to each other the whole time I was there. I wasn't all that interested in what they were saying.

As I was drying my hands I said, “Ready.”

“Lacy had to go too.” Joy said.

I wanted to get out of there so it wasn’t a surprise that I hadn’t noticed she wasn’t there.

Gina came over to me and put an arm through mine. “So, how is it?”

“How's what?” I asked.

She slapped my arm. “Duh. The girl’s bathroom!”

“Uhh,” I said and ducked. Lacy's shoes were the only ones in sight. “It's pretty much the same.” I stood. “There aren’t any urinals. It smells a lot better in here though.”

“Try not to bend over like that.” Joy said. “I just saw your underwear.”

I pulled the skirt down a little.

“No, it doesn't go like that.” Joy said as she came over to me and fixed it. “Wait.” She checked me over. “Where’s your purse?

Gina let go and I rushed into the stall. It was where I had left it. “Sorry, I’m not used to carrying anything,” I said as I came out.

“Just think of it like it’s your backpack,” Sam suggested.

I leaned on the stall. “That’s not a good idea.”

“Why?” Gina asked.

My body stiffened. “I lost like three backpacks last year.”

“How do yo—”

“Assholes at school.” I interrupted Sam.

An old woman walked into the bathroom and I skittered to the sink. She ended up going into a stall but she watched me as she went.

With so many people staring at me I was beginning to feel exposed. I needed to be close to Joy so I stood next to her. She didn’t react but she did turn around and look at herself in the mirror.

“Are you guys having seconds?” I asked.

Gina shook her head. “I’m not. I might not be able to finish what I have.” She did have a slice of pizza with me last night.

“I’m not,” Sam said.

Joy leaned in close to the mirror and checked her makeup. Her lipstick was mostly gone.

“Joy?” I asked.

She shrugged. “I might get some dessert.”

“Ooo cheesecake,” Sam said.

I wasn’t a stranger to seeing someone longing for something. My friends would stare at girls with the same look Sam had. If she did that too long I was afraid she might start drooling.

When I checked on Joy she wasn’t even attempting to fix her face. “Are you…”

“What?” she asked while looking at my reflection.

It looked weird with half of it gone from her lips. “Gonna fix your makeup?”

“After I’m done eating,” She said.

The makeup would probably come off again while she ate so it made sense to go after eating. “Oh,” I said. Then I realized that I was probably going to have to come back in here with them.

Shit.

What was really worrying me was that this girl stuff was making a lot more sense the more I learned about it. I didn’t want to make sense of all of this stuff. I just wanted to go back to my friend's house and play D&D.

Well, that or kiss Joy some more. I had an urge to grab her and pull her against me. It wasn’t too hard to resist. Instead, I scooted closer to her so our hips touched.

Her eyes opened wide for a moment and then she met my gaze.

When I smiled she turned around and faced me. I waited for a beat and then ran a finger down her arm.

She jumped when one of the stall doors opened.

It was only Lacy.

Sam was staring at me. Her emotions were hidden. If I knew her better I might have known what she was thinking.

Joy had turned around to see who it was. When she realized that it was Lacy she visually relaxed.

I was still close to Joy and I had to close my eyes, otherwise, I didn’t know what I was going to do. There was good news, my desire to touch her meant I was attracted to her, which was relieving. If I was indeed attracted to girls I didn't need to think about Jesse again. At least, that's the mental gymnastics I sold myself.

Lacy finished and we all migrated back into the restaurant.

Joy was avoiding eye contact which I thought was probably for the best. If not best then the most trouble-free approach.

When I saw Heather and Mark I remembered the whole situation I was in all over again. My stomach suddenly felt queasy.

We all sat down.

That ham Jesse had added to my plate sat there like some beacon telling me to run away. I had a couple of bucks in my wallet and could call Vic and them to pick me up. I highly doubted they would though. I would need more gas money for that.

Besides, explaining my situation to the guys would completely screw over my reputation. What little of one I had.

I put a napkin over the ham and stabbed a sausage and sampled it. It was cold but its flavor was still delightful.

“Thanks for taking me,” I said. It never hurt to be nice.

Mark set down his fork. “We’re glad to have you.”

“It's a shame Alyx had to leave so suddenly last night. She loves this place,” Heather said.

Joy and the Misfits stopped eating for a moment and shared a look.

It seems that Joy hadn’t told her mom about why Alyx left which spoke volumes about how much she told her parents. I took another bite of sausage just to avoid the awkwardness of the situation.

“Kennedi, what's really going on with you?” Heather asked.

Joy turned. “Mom!”

Heather gave her a disapproving look. “I just want to know what's going on in case she passes out again.”

“M-my…” I cleared my throat. “My lungs were damaged in a fire when I was young.”

It was like I had hit the pause button and Joy's parents stopped.

Heather covered her mouth with her hand. “I'm so sorry.”

Mark wiped his face with his napkin. “I wish I had known. The smelling salts I used aren't very good for your lungs.”

That may have been why I was having a harder time breathing than normal.

“I a-also have social anxiety,” I lied. I'd read about it in a pamphlet at the doctor's office. I didn't usually have any problems going anywhere with my friends but I needed some excuse for why I was acting so weird.

Heather looked shocked. “But you're so pretty, I'm sure everyone likes you.”

If only.

No one responded to Heather's remarks. I wondered how being good-looking would affect others' opinions though. This weekend was the first time anyone had complimented me on my looks, which was weird in itself.

Either way, the tension at the table seemed to die down.

My pancakes needed syrup and luckily I wasn't the only one who'd had them. I grabbed the glass bottle and poured some on. They were no longer hot so putting butter on them would have been gross.

Mark stood up. “Going to grab some more.” When no one else joined him he said, “Be right back.” and walked off.

It was finally quiet enough for me to focus on eating. I salt and peppered my eggs and then remembered that eggs on toast fantasy. Going back to the buffet seemed like a bad idea so I tried putting them on top of my pancakes instead.

They were bad. The soft textures were too similar and the mix of salty and sweet didn’t work for me. I’d resigned to never put maple syrup on eggs again.

Once I scraped off the eggs I devoured the pancakes. My bites were big and when I shoved the cuts into my mouth I got looks from everyone. They weren’t nice looks so I made my pieces smaller. My mom and dad never complained about how I ate but based on this feedback I would have to be careful.

Joy’s dad got back with a new plate of food. I hadn’t seen how much he had on his original plate but this one was pretty full.

My pancakes went quick and the eggs mocked me. Instead of letting them disappoint me, I ate one of my sausages. When I finished my last sausage I didn’t know what to do because I was still hungry.

Getting up to get food again was out of the question. I moved my napkin and stared at the ham on my plate. Its color —a brownish pink— was offputting. Then my stomach grumbled. I’d never had this type of meat before and—

“You gonna eat that or just stare at it?” Mark asked.

I shrugged and slumped in my seat. “I’ve never had it before.”

“Then why’d you get it?” Joy asked.

“Someone suggested I try it.”

Heather eyed me. “Sit up honey, it's bad for your posture.

More than ever I wanted to be at home lounging in my room playing a MUD. Torture came in many forms. Like that time my sister would sit on me and poke my chest over and over while saying, “Poke-um-sally.” Being tapped in girls' clothes was getting dangerously close to being the worst torture of all.

Making Joy's mom angry wasn't an avenue I wanted to explore so I sat up.

Fuck it. I sliced a sliver of the ham off and scooped it into my mouth. A tangy sweet and savory flavor spread across my tongue with each bite. It was amazing. Before I knew it, it was gone.

“You like that don’t you?” Joy asked.

When I finished chewing I said, “Yeah…”

There was a pall of silence and I was stuck staring at my maple-drenched eggs. My appetite was not satiated and those eggs —gross as they were— were looking better by the minute. I didn’t want people to notice my despair so I ate them. Most people have a gag reflex when they see or smell something gross. Fortunately, I didn’t suffer from that ailment.

Even when my sisters were sick I didn’t gag when they threw up. I didn’t get sick all that often either. The only thing that would make me gag was when I would brush too far back on my tongue while cleaning it.

“So what are your plans for the day ladies?” Heather asked.

She looked directly at me but Joy answered, “Homework.”

“I wanted to stay at your house for a bit longer,” Gina said to Joy.

Joy nodded.

Sam leaned back. “I wanted to stay too.”

“I don’t have any plans,” Lacy said.

“Kennedi?” Heather said.

I shrugged. Get the hell out of these clothes and escape to my friend’s house. “No plans,” I lied.

“Hmm.” Heather's head leaned to one side. “Well, I was thinking of dropping by the Plaza bef—”

Several screeches emanated from the girls at the table. Joy was one of them. Weirdly Gina was the only one who was quiet.

Shit.

Gina put up a hand like she was at school and the other girls stopped. “The Plaza here or at home?”

“Here,” Heather answered.

It took about three seconds and all of the girls were ecstatic, even Sam.

To be honest I didn’t understand why they were so excited. I’d never been to the malls here in Anaheim, though the one at home was nice.

Mark was remarkably quiet but Heather noticed my unexcited demeanor.

“Do you want to go too?” Heather asked.

Before I said anything I took a quick look at the girls for help. All I received were begging eyes. They wanted to go, bad. It seemed as if the mall was going to be yet another obstacle to bypass before making it to Rich's house.

Fuck.

I focused on Joy and her eyes were the same as the other girls. I was hoping that she would somehow be on my side. Even if I did go, I couldn’t buy anything, unless I found something at a bookstore. My outlook changed slightly. “Sure.”

Joy grabbed my hand and smiled. The squeals of content from the girls made me grin. I noticed a few of the people at the other tables staring at us and I became self-conscious. Why did I agree to this?

When I felt a squeeze from Joy it distracted me enough to pull me out of my state of unrest. “You gonna be okay at a mall?” She asked.

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest when she asked the question and then I remembered that I told her parents that I had anxiety. “I’ll try.” There were knots forming at the pit of my stomach and that's when I knew that I wouldn’t be eating anything else.

That was okay though because nearly everyone was finished. Mark was the only one who had food left on his plate.

Heather stood up and all the Misfits joined her. I didn't know what was happening.

Joy said, “Come on.” and tugged on my hand.

Oh no, not again.

It was apparently time to have a group meeting in the bathroom again because that's where we went. I barely remembered to grab the purse in my lap.

When I realized that Joy didn't release my hand I let go. I'd seen girls holding hands before but wasn't sure what the protocols were.

Luckily Heather was in front of us. When we got to the bathroom she went directly into a stall, while the rest of us gathered around the mirror.

Being in the girl’s bathroom with Joy's mother had me shaken up. Before I had a chance to panic, Joy handed me her lipstick and motioned for me to put it on.

I froze. Doing this of my own volition made things different somehow. When the girls put makeup on me I could deny being a willing recipient. But now, I had to do it myself. It didn't feel wrong so much as I was violating some guy law. Guys didn't wear makeup.

Goth guys do. I told myself. That settled it and suddenly my brain was able to make a connection. I wasn't the first guy to do it and those guys while they were made fun of by some people never really got beat up for it. I'd even seen one of them wear a skirt to school once.

My hands were shaking as I pulled the cap off. The lipstick was deep in the tube. Joy motioned for me to twist it. The bottom of it turned and the waxy substance rose up. It made me think of a Push Pop for some reason. It didn't taste like one that's for sure.

I closed in on the mirror and watched the girl raise her hand to her face. I was as careful as I could be while applying it. When I turned to Joy she examined my lips and nodded.

Right then Heather came out of the stall and I almost dropped the cylinder. I spun the bottom and put the cap back on.

With Heather there, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hand the makeup back to Joy or not. Instead, I opened up my purse and put it in there. Not like Joy wasn't going to get it back.

Sam swapped places with Heather and went into a stall. Joy must have had more than one lipstick in her bag because she was touching herself up.

It was so quiet. I watched the girls do their thing. It was odd being in here with them. When I checked the mirror I got a look at them and me together. If I had met Joy dressed like this she would have never believed I was male.

Am I male? I thought as I closed in on the mirror. I certainly didn't look male. What makes someone a boy or a gir—

Heather broke the silence. “Which stores would you like to visit?”

“Mervyns?” Joy asked.

Gina squealed while hopping up and down. “I just want to see all the new stuff!”

“New stuff?” I said.

Lacy was super close to the mirror applying something to her eyes. “They rebuilt the mall a couple of years ago,” she said.

For this being the third time I was in the girl’s restroom in a single day, I felt relatively relaxed. Of course, the feeling was ripped away when a woman I didn't know entered the room. I had to dig my fingernails into my palm so I didn't jump out of my skin.

“That boy was nice,” Heather mentioned. “He seemed to really like you, Kennedi.”

My heartbeat quickened. “Wha-what did he say?” I asked.

“He said how happy he was to help you,” Heather said.

Gina finished with her face and turned to me. “He wanted your number.”

I tried to read Gina's face but there wasn't a hint of amusement in it. In fact, she looked as if she were sorry for me. It made me feel a little better.

“Joy, you need a nice boy like that,” Heather said while fiddling with her eyebrows. “He said he is going to try and drop by before we leave.”

Joy's whole body stiffened.

Please no, please no, please no. I chanted in my head. Jesse's very presence disrupted my brain’s normal functions. Everything he did was so random and I didn't know what to expect.

Sam finished and cleared away from the mirror. I decided to join her because I didn't want to be anywhere near Heather.

A few more girls came in and filled up the stalls. When even more showed up and a line started to form I didn't know what to think. The was never a line in any of the boy’s bathrooms.

Sam elbowed me and I looked up at her. She smiled.

I wasn't sure what she was trying to say but she seemed happy so I gave her a grin. The insanity of the situation dawned on me. I couldn't help but be amused.

The interaction with Sam made me wonder why she was so excited about going to the mall. She couldn't get any of the clothes. Then I remembered the truth or dare game we'd played. She liked books too.

“I hope they have a bookstore,” I said.

Sam turned, her eyebrows raised. “What type of books do you like?”

“Fantasy and Sci-Fi,” I said.

She looked at me as if I'd made some bad life decisions. At least that's how it made me feel.

I did get a glance from Heather but I was unable to read her face.

Everyone finished eventually and with the way some of the girls glanced at me I felt I should stop the whole book angle.

We made it back to the table and Mark was there with an empty plate. I was impressed, he'd had a lot on there. My friend Nick ate similarly. It was like they were born to be in the army or something.

Nick was probably the least nerdy of our group. If Vic and he hadn't been such good friends, he probably wouldn't hang out with us. I had to admit that their friendship would sometimes make me jealous and it made things weird.

It reminded me that I had missed most of the DND tournament they were throwing. Vic had said that they didn't get very far in so there was the possibility that I didn't miss that much. Still, the longer I was dressed as a girl the more of it I missed.

“Who wants dessert?” Mark asked.

I was still hungry but the less time we spent here the greater chance I wouldn't run into Jesse again.

Joy had a look on her face that I'd seen on my sister's several times. It said that her father had made some grave error somewhere along the way.

Then I remembered the reason we made a trip to the bathroom. His mistake was glaringly obvious in a way I never understood before today.

This shits getting too weird. I thought.

When none of us sat down Mark either got it or he didn’t want to make the girls further disappointed because he joined us.

Heather and Mark led us through the restaurant and I could swear I heard one of the staff say Jesse's name.

I didn't care honestly because we had just walked out.

Then, as as we made it to the van Jesse came running out of the Golden Corral screaming my name.

***

Chapter 14 Violation

“Holy—” I said.

Joy continued, “Shit.”

What are the chances—

“Language, ladies!” Heather scolded us.

Being called a lady for the first time in my life was odd. But at this point, I didn't even think about it because Jesse sighted me.

“Kennedi!” he screamed as he ran in our direction. His voice made that half-deep half-screech sound that teen guys make. It was rare to see a guy of his size have that particular vocal mishap.

Unfortunately, I'd never gone through those changes. The doctors said it could happen if I kept taking my hormones though. I only brought the one pill to Joy's house but there were more at Rich's in my backpack.

When he made it over he slowed and caught his breath. He leaned on the van and Mark stared at him.

Mark was still someone I didn’t know very well and I didn’t know his rules when it came to people touching his vehicle. If he was anything like my uncle, he didn't want anyone touching his baby.

I stood there as he breathed heavily. “Hey, Jesse. You probably shou—”

“I'm so glad I caught you,” he interrupted.

Mark's face didn't change.

“W-we should talk over there,” I gestured at a bench close by. It was near enough to not look suspicious and —most importantly— was not near Mark's van.

“Oh, yeah,” he said. The pause he'd made after I said it made me think he was making some hidden calculations in his brain.

Jesse pushed himself off the van and the whole thing dipped.

Even having just met Joy's parents, I could see the anger boiling in Mark's eyes. That confirmed it, he was almost exactly like my uncle.

As Jesse and I moved away Mark grabbed a cloth from his cab and wiped down where Jesse had been.

Joy and the other girls' eyes were on me, which made me nervous.

Jesse sat down when we made it to the bench. I stayed standing.

“You gonna sit?” he asked.

I shook my head. “What's up?”

“Well, I thought—” he leaned back. “That you—” he scooted forward. “You're really not gonna sit down?”

Joy and I shared a look. I crossed my arms. “We're about to leave.”

Suddenly he stood up and was looming over me. My heart started pounding and I was having trouble catching my breath.

When I looked up at him, I saw his eyes. Fuck, why do they have to be so nice?

Then he smiled. “You know, I kind of miss the goth look.”

“W-what?”

He pulled his fingers down his cheeks. “The makeup?”

He had to remind me that I had makeup on. I closed my eyes and sighed. When I opened them back up he was even closer.

My body was betraying me and that warmth pushed itself through me.

No.

I stepped back. “W-what did you want?”

“So that's how it is?” he asked.

If he was referring to me wanting some space to think, that was exactly how it was. “If you're not going to tell me what you want then.” I turned to the van and took a step.

Jesse laid his hand on my shoulder and I turned to see if he had decided to tell me what he wanted. I was surprised when he slid an arm behind my back, leaned in, and kissed me.

It felt as if I were melting. He closed his eyes and mine automatically did the same. It was so intense.

Somehow I came to my senses and pushed him away. Why did he…

I walked away from him toward the van. There was a feeling in my gut that was unpleasant. I didn't want to be kissed. Not by him. I felt violated.

He tried the shoulder trick on me again. I spun around and screamed, “Don't touch me!”

Joy and Sam ran up beside me. Sam stepped in between Jesse and me while Joy took my hand. She led me to the van and we went inside.

The last thing I heard before Joy closed the door was Heather saying, “It's about time for you to leave.”

There was a rage building up inside of me that I'd never felt before. What gave him the right…? My composure slipped and I felt tears building up. No. I waved at my face hoping to dry my eyes. I won't cry over his stupid ass.

“It's okay, it'll be okay,” Joy cooed.

“Why did he—” My mouth couldn't finish the sentence. A guy had kissed me and I couldn't say it. What made it worse was that he had done it in front of my girlfriend and her parents. Mixed emotions flooded through me. Violation, humiliation, and the endorphin rush from being kissed.

Fuck.

I wanted to punch something, mainly his face. Instead, I kept fanning my eyes. It seemed to help.

Joy interlocked her fingers with mine. I know she was trying to help but being touched was not something I wanted at that moment.

She didn't complain when I pulled away from her. I could see Jesse outside walking back into the restaurant. I hoped I would never see that asshole again.

Lacy and Gina joined us in the car. Sam, Heather, and Mark were talking outside and I tried to make out what they were saying. I couldn't hear them though.

“Are you okay?” Gina asked.

All three of them were staring at me.

A guy had kissed me, of course, I wasn't okay! I shook my head.

Joy's parents and Sam entered the car. I was suddenly happy that I hadn't tried to explain my feelings verbally.

Heather turned in her seat. “Honey, are you okay?”

Maybe because a grown-up had asked my reactions were amplified. I lost all composure and began ugly crying. Joy held out her arms and I went to her. She held me tight.

I hated him. His stupid face and his gorgeous eyes.

We were driving again and I didn't even remember the van starting. My whole world right then was Joy's arms and her comforting words.

Miles down the road and promises of things being better, I recovered enough to sit up straight in my seat.

My stomach was turning and I didn't know what to do about it. When the car pulled into a parking lot is when I grabbed Joy's hand.

“We are getting some ice cream. Okay?” Joy said.

I was confused but ice cream did sound good so I nodded.

The van pulled into an empty space and Mark turned it off. Everyone turned around to get a look at me. I was in the middle seat this time so I was on full display.

Sam was sitting next to me, which I probably should have realized sooner. If she hadn't intervened I didn't know what would have happened. I was grateful either way.

“You ready?” Joy asked.

After I nodded we all got out of the van. It was weird because everyone was being silent. Earlier, I was so busy crying that I hadn't heard them plot the whole ice cream thing.

Get your shit together, Walker.

Getting ice cream would help calm my nerves at least.

As soon as we got inside Joy asked, “Do you have a bathroom?”

The worker named ‘Allen’ gestured toward a door and Joy led me inside.

So much for those calmed nerves. I thought. Then I noticed the door had both male and female imprints on it.

As Joy closed the door behind us she locked it. That made me feel better. Privacy.

For the second time in one day, I was stuck staring at myself in the mirror with black streaks running down my cheeks.

Wearing makeup was beginning to feel like a really bad idea. Not like I felt it was a good idea but with how often I was crying, Joy was going to run out of the stuff.

“I'm sorry,” I said.

Joy began wiping down my face. “It's not your fault.”

It felt like my fault.

“He probably thinks he didn't do anything wrong,” she said.

We were talking about different things. I sniffled. “What?”

“Guys like that think they are entitled, and take advantage of girls all the time.”

I didn't know what to say. My main problem was that a guy had kissed me. The feminism of it all was lost on me.

She cleared her throat. “There is one thing I don't understand though.”

“What?”

She tucked the dangling strands of hair behind my ears. “Why did you go over to the bench with him?”

“You didn't see your dad?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“He was mad at Jesse for touching his van so I tried to move the conversation… elsewhere.”

“Dad doesn't like people touching his van. How did I miss that?” She sighed. “We need to get your makeup done fast, everyone is waiting for us.”

I nodded.

When she finished wiping down my face she started with a powder.

“I'm probably going to mess it up again,” I said.

She finished and put the powder away. “It's okay.” Then she pulled out the black stuff that kept getting everywhere.

Our bodies were close to touching. Oh, how I wanted her to close that gap. Her breath was so warm.

I closed my eyes for her and she did whatever she needed to. After she finished she had me look up to do the bottom part.

As she was putting that away she paused and dug through her bag. “Where is it?”

The question seemed rhetorical so I didn't answer.

“C'mon,” Joy said.

“What?” I asked.

She didn't respond.

Then I remembered I had stashed away the lipstick in my bag. I opened it up and pulled out the tube. “Looking for this?”

She glanced at me and then blinked a few times. “Where was it?”

“I put it in my bag. I didn't want to hand it back to you while your mom was at the mirror with us.” I said and handed it to her.

Her eyebrows went up. “That was actually a good idea.”

“I get those sometimes.”

She smiled at me but it was weak. When she popped the cap she bit her bottom lip. “Maybe next time I'll put some makeup in a bag for you.”

“Next time?” I said. I would have to be insane to ever do this again.

She shrugged. “Maybe the other girls don't have to be there when you stay the night again.”

That changed my frame of mind real quick. My friends have called me crazy before. I never believed them but who's to say they weren't right.

“Maybe.” was all I could come up with.

We caught each other's eyes for a moment. I would like to think that she was thinking about the exact same thing I was. Which was how insane all this happened to be.

When she ran her fingers down the side of my face I knew she was thinking of something else.

I shook my head and looked down. “Not now.” The situation with Jesse was too fresh in my brain. I hate him!

Joy lifted my chin up and nodded. She then proceeded to apply the lipstick. It took less than a minute.

As Joy was packing up I watched myself in the mirror. I still couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't me in there.

“Lemme see that,” she asked as she reached for my bag. “I'll put the lipstick back in there, for after we eat.”

She handed the purse to me. “You ready?” As she took my hand.

I nodded and kept close to her as we left. I hoped her parents didn't think something weird was going on.

Everyone was standing in front of the array of ice creams with little sample spoons in hand. As each of them finished their sample they put the spoon in a small container.

“Hey,” Joy said, getting everyone's attention.

Gina ran up to me and took my other hand. “Kennedi, come and try some of these.” She gave a small tug and I took a step with her indicating that it was okay. Joy let go and Gina and I walked to the counter.

There were so many flavors that I didn't know which one to choose. I did have a craving though. “Do you have anything with bananas?”

Allen scanned the flavors in front of him. “No…” He scratched his head. “We do have bananas for a split though.”

That sounded good. “One of those?” I asked and glanced at Heather.

She nodded at me.

When I turned back Allen said, “One banana split coming up.”

He smiled at me which made me uncomfortable. It wasn't his fault though. I still felt like shit. Needless to say, I didn't return the favor.

He took it in stride and didn't miss a beat as he made my dessert.

It had been a long time since my family went out for ice cream. My stepdad James didn't have a sweet tooth so we never went out. Mom bought the stuff in a tub but it would often melt and then refreeze because the freezer in the garage sometimes died. It didn't taste the same after that so it stayed there never to be eaten.

“Do you have cheesecake?” Sam asked.

I visualized Sam drooling over a slice of cheesecake, like one of those cartoon dogs whose tongue pops out when spotting a pretty girl. I laughed and everyone turned to look at me. It wasn't that funny but her expression from earlier —in the bathroom— was burnt into my brain.

It was as if my sudden mood change had opened a door for everyone because they seemed to relax.

Allen said, “No...”

“Do you have cheesecake ice cream?”

Allen laughed. “I was actually going to say we have strawberry cheesecake ice cream.”

“No plain?”

He shook his head.

“Just vanilla ice cream then.” Sam looked so defeated. It made me feel sorry for her.

Gina ended up dragging me back and forth in front of the freezers as she looked at flavors.

Then it hit me. A girl I barely knew was holding my hand in front of my girlfriend. I took a quick moment to catch a look at Joy. She smiled at me. It was half-hearted, almost somber.

I wanted to make her happy but my mind was reeling from all of the firsts I was having. It would probably take me a long time to recover from this much excitement in my life.

I enjoyed my secluded gaming life. The most excitement I usually saw was strategically avoiding Rich's sister's friends. Even then they were pranking us rather than trying to actually hurt us.

Vic's monitoring attempt on her phone line was the first time we'd ever tried anything like that. I hoped it went well. Anything we could do to get an upper hand on those guys would help us a lot. There were only a few months left till they graduated so I was actually looking forward to being a Junior in August.

Tanisha, Rich's sister, had a vendetta against us which I didn't fully understand. Rich would always explain it in a way that never made sense. I hoped it had nothing to do with me but the way he talked in circles made me think it was all my fault somehow.

Gina let go of my hand and leaned against the glass with both palms against it. Her breath made puffs of fog as she exhaled. “I want to try that one!”

There was another person behind the counter, her name tag said Tiffany. Allen was still busy making my split.

“Here you go,” Tiffany said as she handed Gina a small spoon with a sample.

I took that opportunity to stand next to Joy again. She immediately took my hand.

When I looked at Heather and Mark they were silently examining the flavors away from us. They were also holding hands and whispering to each other. I wondered what they were talking about. I’d found that older people tended to have a favorite that they went for nearly every time.

My mom would always get Orange Sherbert, while my dad would only get chocolate chip.

Bringing back old memories of my dad was a double-edged sword. On one side I missed him terribly and on the other side were all the really great things we did together.

Joy wiggled her finger reminding me of our little game in the car.

It made me turn to her.

This time, she gave me a more affectionate smile. It was pleasant and made me feel good.

“Are you going to get anything?” I asked.

She shook her head.

The container Allen brought out for my dessert was pretty big. “You can have some of mine.”

There was no doubt that I could finish it but I didn’t want to seem like a pig. It would be out of character if I did.

Character.

That gave me an idea. I was going about the whole thing the wrong way. I played a ton of role-playing games. D&D was the main one but you had to really dig deep and think of yourself as that character. So I wondered if I could do that as Kennedi.

There were a lot of things I needed to think through like a backstory, her personality likes and dislikes. Admittedly a lot of that stuff was pretty clear. She is definitely shy, her parents are well off, but maybe she adored horses or something like that. Her taste in music was excellent and maybe her clothing would refl—

“You okay?” Joy asked.

I grinned. “Come with me!” She needed to know about this so I led her to a booth.

We sat down and I pondered how I was going to explain it. I whispered, “So, you know how my friends play a lot of D&D?”

Her eyes squinted a little and then she nodded. On our first date, I told her about it and explained how similar it was to our drama class. Which is where I met her.

“I was thinking. What if I treated Kennedi like a character I could build on?” I said.

Joy seemed to think about it. “Why?”

“It would help separate her from me and might make things a little less personal. That way I can try new things and it won’t be me, it'll be Kennedi, ” I explained.

When she didn’t respond I squeezed her hand.

She shrugged.

It felt like a good plan to me. I wondered why she was so apprehensive. “Is it a bad idea?”

“No, just don’t, like, go crazy with it,” she said.

I pressed my lips together. “That’s why I’m going to make up a history for her and everything.” Then I had an idea. “You could help me with it.”

“Maybe…” she said.

That was practically a yes. “She could like horses or something like th—”

Gina strolled over. “What are you two whispering about?”

There was a moment when Joy’s eyes met mine. I didn't know what to say to her.

“Tell you later,” Joy said.

There was something that I was curious about. “Joy?”

“Yeah?” she asked.

I leaned back. “Why didn't Jane want to come last night?” Jane was one of the kids I actually liked at school. She was as pretty as Joy too. When she smiled.

“I told you why,” she said.

“No, you just said—”

“Hey guys,” Lacy interrupted.

Lacy always seemed to interrupt at the wrong moment. I ignored her. “You said she doesn't like guys.”

“No.” She released my hand. “I said she had a bad experience with a guy.” Then she crossed her arms. “Like you had with Jesse but worse.”

Hearing his name out loud, physically hurt. It was strange. I'd never felt that sensation before. My eyes began tearing up. What's wrong with me?

“Oh, no no I'm not mad.” Joy took my hand again.

Jane had something worse happen to her than— I couldn't complete the thought. The very idea would make me relive the experience again. I'd had enough trouble with memories from my dad spilling out. At least I had practice at holding things in.

There was suddenly a napkin pushed into my hand.

“Remember, dab don't wipe,” Gina said.

I would not cry again. Be a man, Walker! When I looked down and saw a blouse and my boobs I knew that mind frame wasn't going to work.

It didn't happen to you. It happened to Kennedi. I thought. For some reason that worked and I calmed down a little. Enough to dab at the corner of my eyes with the napkin.

Joy squeezed my hand and I looked at her. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh,” she said.

There was a reason why this was affecting me so much but I couldn't figure out why. It was just a kiss.

I hate him!

My eyes betrayed me and threatened to drop water down my cheeks. So I repositioned the napkin and dried my eyes again.

The girls had sympathetic looks on their faces. They probably think I'm a wuss. “I'm s-sorry.”

“It'll be okay,” Gina said.

My nose was stopping up and I needed to blow it so I used the napkin. Joy let go of my hand so I could properly clean up. “It's just… I keep crying. Shouldn't a guy be stronger than this?” I whispered the last part.

“It's your hormones,” Lacy said.

She was right but I didn't want to be so emotional. Suddenly I was self-conscious. “I keep forgetting about my voice too.”

“No, you've been doing good with that,” Gina said.

Lacy and Gina joined Joy and me at the table.

Joy squeezed my hand. “You even started talking like us a little.”

“It's like you're a natural,” Lacy said.

None of what they were saying was making me feel better. In the outfit, I was wearing there was literally no room for a male ego. Why can't I be born normal?

Lacy and Gina put their hands on top of mine. Joy joined them and said, “We're here to help if you need us.”

These girls had a way of making me feel so welcome. My chest tightened and I found myself wanting to hug them.

My guy friends were so standoffish. I didn't know if they even wanted me around half the time. It was like night and day between the two groups.

Sam and Joy's parents grabbed a couple of trays and walked toward us.

“Ice cream,” I said and pointed.

The girls looked and made room for Sam. The booth wasn't exactly big enough for all of us so Heather and Mark took a table next to ours.

Sam set down her tray which had our desserts on it. I kept mentioning them as desserts but there really wasn't a word for after breakfast sweets was there? Usually, breakfast had something sweet in it. At least that's how it was at our house. All our cereal was sugary. It came in bags rather than the boxes you saw on TV. We always got the cheap off-brand alternatives.

When Sam sat down she handed me my split. It was as big as it looked. “You can have some if you want,” I told Joy.

“Oh, don't bother Hunny, she won't eat that stuff,” Heather said.

Joy crossed her arms. “It hurts my teeth!”

“Sensitive teeth?” I asked as I glanced between Joy and her parents.

Mark nodded. “Been that way forever, even when she was a baby.”

“You can have part of the banana that's not touching the ice cream,” I suggested. There was a cherry on top but I wasn't sure I wanted to share that. Besides, it was on top of the ice cream.

She didn't respond. I hated when my parents decided to tell my friends about my faults.

I changed the conversation. “What did you get?” I asked Lacy.

“Rocky road,” she said between mouthfuls. It surprised me that she was already eating.

Gina looked at me. “I got strawberry with berries in it.” Weirdly, that fit her.

Even though Joy didn't want any of my food I grabbed a new napkin and cut off the ends of my bananas and set them aside. I didn't dare say a word about it either.

As I was eating I did see one of them disappear, which made me feel good. I didn't want her to miss out. Besides, she was the one who mentioned getting dessert in the first place.

“So, Kennedi, do you and your parents go to church?” Heather asked.

Oh, no.

“Not really, my dad reads the Bible a lot though,” I said. My family attended church when I was younger but we'd stopped going after my dad died.

I begged and pleaded with God to bring my dad back. I would cry myself to sleep wishing to see him one last time. Because my prayers were always unanswered, I stopped believing. It didn't help that I'd already been asking for him to make me normal for years before that.

When I told my mom I didn't want to go anymore she didn't argue. It was one of the first times in my life that I'd made a big decision and I felt more grown-up having made it. Of course, I was only twelve at the time so I didn't let it go to my head.

My stepdad was the person that read the ‘good book’, as he called it, during his free time. He also read other books as well but nothing fantasy like I read.

That reminded me. “Are we still going to the Plaza?”

“That depends if you still want to go,” Heather replied.

Everyone's eyes were on me. I wasn't going to let Jesse ruin the Misfits' good time. “So long as I can go to the bookstore, I'm okay to go.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

Am I sure? I definitely wasn't. Honestly, I just wanted everyone to be happy, and if we didn't go, I knew I would be disappointing all the girls. “Yeah.”

“Okay…” she said. Her voice drifted off.

The mood shifted a little but I didn't mind because it gave me time to eat. Having learned from my pancake mistake earlier, I took small bites. Joy kept sneaking the banana ends until they were gone.

Lacy was the first to finish. With how she was eating I was surprised that she wasn't done earlier.

Sam was just as careful with her ice cream as she was with her pizza last night. She held the little cup close to her mouth with every bite.

Gina, however, was eating even slower than Sam. She would take a spoonful and slush it around in her mouth. It was weird watching her so I looked away.

By the time I was finished Gina was the only one left eating.

Is ice cream eating? More like slurping. I laughed a little at my internal joke.

I'd love to say that I was full but I wasn't. I wouldn't hesitate to eat Gina's if she had leftovers.

My side started itching but as I went to scratch it, I found Joy's hand there. I leaned on her shoulder and took in the quiet.

“Kennedi?” Heather asked. “Can you come with me?”

Endorphins flooded my body. I sat up. “S-sure.”

Joy and Sam got up so I could get out of the booth. Heather led me into the bathroom.

If last time was weird this time was a Stephen King book. I was wracking my brain to remember if I might have given away I was male.

She closed the door and locked it behind us.

My heart was beating out of my chest.

“Honey, are you okay?” she asked.

I wasn't sure if I should be honest with her or not.

When I didn't answer right away Heather asked, “Can you tell me what happened with Jesse?”

The truth was, I wasn't okay and I didn't have time to process any of it. I did need to tell her something though. “H-he ki—”

“Kissed you?”

I nodded.

“And you didn't want him to?”

She was spot on so I nodded again.

“I'm so sorry…” She started shaking. “I was right there and I couldn't help you.”

There was no way she could have made it over there in time. “It's okay.”

“No, it's not okay! Don't think that, don't ever think that. It's not okay what he did to you.”

That was something we could both agree to. I didn't want to cry again and when my eyelids started filling up Heather ran and grabbed a wad of toilet paper for me.

While dabbing at my eyes I said, “I'm sorr—”

“No need to be sorry, you didn't do anything wrong,” she said.

My body did that little half hiccup causing my chest to jump a little.

She put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you really sure you don't want to go home? No one will be mad at you if you want to go.”

“I don't want to ruin it for them,” I said.

Heather's face softened. “Sweetie, the mall will always be there. Don't worry about that.”

“I—”

“You know what, why don't you fix your makeup, and then when you're done you can decide. I'll be outside with the others.” Heather unlocked the door and left me alone.

I stood there staring at myself in the mirror. Heather didn't seem like she was lying. In fact, she seemed sincere. I didn't want Joy to think less of me. Then my mind drifted to their pleading faces just before Jesse k—

The fact that I didn't want to think about it said something. Maybe I should go? Leaving meant that I would get to go back to Rich’s house and away from all this madness. My friends picked on me but it was mostly in good fun. It was never good to be the smallest. I could easily beat them at video games so I at least had the upper hand in that arena.

Out of nowhere, Alyx's words echoed in my head. “Walker's even prettier than you are!” She was talking to Joy when she said it but it felt like she was directing it at me.

My arms went up and I shifted my hips like Alyx had shown me. I snapped trying to mimic the dance that Lacy, Gina, and I had performed.

The skirt tickled as it brushed the top of my thighs. Because I was wearing such a revealing blouse I could actually see my boobs jiggle with every swing.

I was expecting to feel repulsed but instead, felt energized. Dancing felt so good. I didn't dance as a guy. My mom used to turn the stereo up and spin and sway to Madonna and Michael Jackson. She would reach out a hand so I could join her but I always refused. She never looked disappointed when I didn't join her, she would just keep going. The smile on her face would never falter.

My clothes were form-fitting and I was beginning to love that about them. They were tight but didn't feel like they were strangling me. I was happy that I wasn't wearing that binder anymore. It hurt so bad, yet the bra did the same thing but in a much less restrictive way.

As I checked the mirror again the girl in there looked happy. I was never happy unless I was lost in some video game living someone else's life. I wondered how she could look so content. I wanted what the girl in there had.

She is you. I thought.

The girl in the mirror's smile slipped and she stopped dancing. I moved closer to my reflection. That's not me, I'm a boy.

The thought of Jesse looming over me filled my mind. His blue eyes sparkled and he slowly leaned ov—

“I hate you!” I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else. The scenario I'd mentioned to Joy about acting like I was Kennedi came to the forefront of my mind.

My eyes opened and I said, “Hi Kennedi. I'm Walker.” I reached a hand out toward the mirror.

Our hands bobbed up and down. “Hi, Walker.”

No, that's not right.

“Hi, Walker.” This time it was in a song-songy voice.

There was so much I needed to learn about being a girl if I was going to pull it off. From then on I was going to watch the girls like a hawk and mimic their voices and movements.

That was the moment when Walker and Kennedi became separate people. Even if I couldn't have what Kennedi had I could at least fake it.

I slipped the lipstick out of my bag and fixed my lips. I did my best to be careful but went out of bounds on my upper lip. Shit, first time out as Kennedi and you mess up your lips.

Panic was my first instinct but then I remembered there was toilet paper in my hand. I did my best to fix it and got it right eventually.

“Should we go to the plaza?” I asked.

There was a chance that I was going to be able to wear new clothes and since it was Kennedi wearing them I didn't have anything to worry about.

Clothes for Kennedi and a book for me. I couldn't afford to buy clothes but wearing them would be enough.

My hand went to the door handle and I paused. Are you sure about this? I ignored the self-doubt and thought about the clothes. The decision had been made. I would go to the mall with the girls.

Everyone was standing when I got out there.

“Well?” Heather asked.

I joined them. “I wanna go to the mall.”

Heather's eyebrows went up.

Before she could ask I said, “I'm sure.”

“Well, if that's okay with everyone else?” She paused and looked at the girls. When there was no response she said, “Then let's go.”

***