Part x of 6

 
WARNING! If you are of a conservative bent, you'll hate this one. You. Have. Been. Warned.

Author's Note: I stole this plot from Robert Heinlein, who stole it from a long line of felonious authors reaching back to some guy pressing Cuneiform into clay on a riverbank in the Middle East, in hopes of preserving his deathless prose. It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected. - Mark Twain
 

Chapter 1
There was a small body of water, but it wasn't Walden Pond. There was a small cabin, but it wasn't the rustic retreat of his namesake, Henry David Thoreau. Nor was it a mile and a half from the occupant's family home, but deep in the Northern woods, an area where you could still ignore the incursions of what some called civilization if you tried hard enough.

The occupant of this cabin certainly felt a connection to the Transcendentalists of Thoreau's era, attempting to find the spiritual in the solitude of the deep woods. However, as did the transcendentalists of old, he did not refute modern technology but only the regimentation and corruption that seemed to be bound so tightly to the society that produced it.

A large solar array powered the cabin, as well as recharged the battery operated chain saw that made made the effort of heating the cabin with wood from the surrounding forest far easier than his Nineteenth century mentors could ever have imagined. Likewise, the satellite dish on the cabin roof provided access to the Internet even in this rustic setting.

That same solar array allowed our solitary seeker of wisdom write copiously, much as did Thoreau, but the writing was done on a laptop computer and shared with the circle of seekers with whom he corresponded. A man of contradictions, to be sure, but what man is not?

One contradiction that he frequently pondered was that his splendid isolation was only possible because he was a scion of a very wealthy family. His family prided themselves on their ability to accumulate and grow money with remarkable effectiveness. Those that weren't engaged in managing money often turned to politics, but with an attitude of service rare in the modern world. This same attitude of service fueled the family's ability to distribute a good portion of that money to charitable causes.

Taken on balance, the family was responsible for much improvement in the lives of those who so desperately needed it. The problem was, our recluse still harbored an instinctive distaste for the whole business of making money, and an even stronger distaste for those grasping politicians that inhabited the legislatures of this land.

Despite the intensive training he had received as he grew to maturity, he simply could not grasp why anyone would want to spend their lives acquiring more money or dealing with those greedy phonies, no matter how noble the results.

Indeed a man of contradictions.
 

For the past two years he had lived frugally, tapping into the family fortune only when necessary, and tried to find peace in his thoughts and writing. E-mail allowed him to correspond with like minded individuals, and he maintained an active network of philosophically inclined friends.

Historians of some future era will be delighted that almost all of his thoughts and writings would be electronically stored and available to any historian inclined to eke a Masters thesis from some obscure philosopher of a bygone age. No need for painstaking work to decipher water-stained pages in spidery cursive script, all that treasure-trove could be instantly printed in crisp, clean type on virginally white paper with the push of a button.

Perhaps the most negative aspect of e-mail was, though he was physically remote, his family could still exhort him to return to the fold and assume his responsibilities to the family fortunes. The DELETE key was a blessing at such times.

Much like his idol Thoreau, this splendid isolation would come to an end in just over two years. His first warning was the sound of an internal combustion engine, something rarely heard in his retreat. The sound increased, disturbing his concentration as he wrote until it became far too loud and abruptly cut off. Then came the knock on the door, something that had never occurred in all his time in the woods.
 

Chapter 2
"Henry David Bonforte, you son of a bitch, open this goddam door!"

So much for the peace of the deep woods and the pleasures of solitary contemplation. His mother had arrived.

He knew that if he didn't open the door she would do it for him; after all there was no lock on it to bar her further progress. Hank opened the door to see a formidable woman in black leathers grinning at him. Behind her was a gleaming red Harley-Davidson motorcycle. Undoubtedly she could tell him exactly the model and any small detail about the machine, but Hank wasn't really interested.

"Hello, Mother."

"Well, aren't you going to invite me in?"

"Welcome to my humble abode," he said and bowed sarcastically.

"Not as bad as I thought! I suppose if you're going to be a hermit it beats a dank cave on the top of a mountain somewhere."

"I am not such an aesthete that I eschew comfort."

"Jesus Christ. I knew that your father shouldn't have named you after some rustic philosopher hiding in the woods. I don't think I have ever heard anybody use the word eschew in conversation. How the hell are you, kid?"

"I'm doing quite well, although I assume that you finding my little slice of heaven means someone in the family is not doing so well."

"Got it it in one, Hank. You cousin Myrna is in trouble."

All impulse to banter with his mother vanished. Hank and Myrna had grown up together, more like siblings than cousins. Myrna had found herself drawn into politics from her first protest march in college while Hank had preferred the solitude and simplicity of an academic life.

He suddenly realized that he had not heard from Myrna in some time. He had heard of Myrna, however, as she was raising Cain as a state Senator with a strong interest in environmental issues. They were both committed to environmental causes but had chosen vastly different paths to implement that commitment.

"What's wrong?"

"Myrna is sick and getting sicker. It's called Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency - A1AD - for short, and it's taking out her lungs and kidneys. It's genetic and started to show a little before you hied yourself off into the woods. Now it's killing her."

"NO! What about treatment? Can't they do anything for her?"

"They're trying, but her body is fighting them. We may be looking at a lung transplant."

"So what can I do?"

"Medically? Not a blessed thing. They're loading her with stuff nobody can pronounce and doing all they can."

"Mom, you know I'd do just about anything to help Myrna."

"Which is why I'm here in this godforsaken back of beyond. There's something you can do but you're not going to like it."

"For Myrna, I can put up with a lot."

"Son, I'm damned glad to hear you say that. She is going to need your help badly. It's getting bad and she has COPD. Son, a politician that can't breathe hasn't got a chance if she can't give speeches and make appearances all over the state. She has six months to the election. She needs to campaign or she's gonna get beaten by that fucking asshole running against her if she doesn't show. That's where you come in."

"You're right, I hate being up on a platform playing politician, but I'll campaign for Myrna if that's at it takes. Count me in."

"Son, you're missing the point. Myrna can't campaign. You aren't going to campaign for Myrna, you're going to campaign as Myrna."
 

Chapter 3
"Mother! Will you never let me forget that Myrna and I played dress-up together as children?"

"Not a chance. And I do believe that you were only three years younger than you are now when the two of you were a lesbian couple in Provincetown for a week of fun together."

"With you around I doubt I'll ever have to hire a private eye."

"I'll give you the family discount. Now listen, son: if I go over and open your wardrobe, what are the chances that there at a minimum of two dresses in the thing?"

"I wouldn't bet the farm on it. You'd lose."

"Not that I don't trust you, Hank, but…"

She opened the wardrobe.

"See!" he crowed. "Only one dress. You lost, so what were the terms of the bet?"

"We didn't set terms. I suppose you won on a technicality. Let's see, One, two…six skirts, One, two, three… seven blouses and, ah, four nightgowns. No need to count the slips. You still have very good taste in clothes, my dear. I'm surprised that I didn't find you wearing some of these clothes."

"It's my day off. I have to unglue the forms every so often and let my chest breathe."

"I suppose that explains why you have six more identical flannel shirts in there? Really, you would think your feminine side would be more creative with your masculine side. I suppose you sing that silly song about crossdressing loggers while you're chopping wood."

"Nonsense! I have an electric wood splitter, it's too noisy to sing while I'm using it."

"I suppose that's a blessing. If you were swinging an axe all day long you'd have too many muscles to be your cousin."

"Mother! You can't be serious."

"Hank, if Myrna gets turfed out as chair of the environmental committee you're going to have a bloody pipeline for a neighbor and a string of monster towers bringing power down from Quebec or some such Canadian place running through your back yard. It's in your own self-interest to get her re-elected."

"And what happens when some sleezball from the National Enquirer figures out that I'm up there instead of Myrna? Ever think of that, Mother?"

"You'll just have to be perfect then, won't you?"

"Now that's a first! That has to be the first time you've thought I could be perfect at anything."

"Says the man with three best sellers on the market and has just completed a very successful lecture tour."

"Which reminds me. I am rather well known as my own self. What happens when one of my fans attends one of Myrna's shindigs and figures out who I am?"

"Then the gracious and poised Myrna laughs at just how much she and her cousin share the Bonforte family genetics and commitment to the environment. Just don't show them the pictures from Provincetown."

"If it didn't so obviously involve genetic manipulation I would say: When Pigs Fly!"

"Just one more reason why you have to become your cousin - who knows when some mad good-old-boy will set up a lab and start manipulating genes and create a frankenpotato? The potato industry would suffer and there goes the state economy. Myrna needs to be in the senate to keep that crap under control."

"If he comes up with a potato that digs itself out of the ground then I'm all for it! Some GMO can be good."

"Heresy! Oh, the shame!"

"See, I'd be a lousy Myrna."

"Nonsense. You'll have three months for Myrna to teach you how to be Myrna, not that she hasn't taught you to be a lady for the last twenty years. I assume you sized your falsies so they were about the same as your cousin. You certainly could exchange your feminine wardrobe with hers and nobody would comment."

"Mother! Would you discuss their cup size with your daughters?"

"Certainly. They were obsessive about how big they were when they were growing up. When Susan started breastfeeding she was thrilled to make it all the way up to a D-cup."

"I'm satisfied with a B."

"As is Myrna. Well not completely satisfied, mind you, but she has very nice breasts, as I'm sure you've noticed. I wonder if getting you implants would be considered a campaign expense?"

"Mother!"

"Don't tell me you haven't thought of it. You'll be healed up in time to start campaigning. We'll get you out to Reno to have them done so nobody back here will know."

"Jesus Mother! You sure you weren't a pimp before you married Daddy?"

"How do you think we met? That whole business about getting a face full of cotton candy at the fair is just our cover story."

"Mother, you should be the one running. I've never heard anyone who could spout such bullshit on command."

"Why thank you; you've always been my favorite niece."

"I'm not going to win this one, am I?"

"Of course not! Tomorrow morning you will arise, glue your pretty titties to your body, dress appropriately and Helen will be at Myrna's place in time for dinner. Don't bother with any of your clothes, most especially those flannel shirts. Just bring your underwear, otherwise you'll be sharing Myrna's wardrobe, as you will be Myrna to everyone outside her inner circle."

"You make this thing sound like a hula-hoop contest."

"You'll be able to shake your booty with the best of them when we're through with you. Once Myrna can breathe properly again I look forward to seeing which of you would win."

 

Part 2 of 6

 
Chapter 4
Mothers.

There is one, and only one, thing that can be said about mothers without deviating one iota from the absolute truth: We all have one.

Many of us wish we didn't. Many of us couldn't live without them. Sometimes both conditions apply. Helen's trip to Myrna's place was one of those times where the twain did meet. Some of the most memorable times in Hank's life (or more accurately Helen's life at the moment) were when some ignorant fool had treated his mother as if she were merely a woman. No matter how many times the world told such individuals that there exist females who are not merely women, the fools never seemed to learn the lesson. They never seemed to be able to read the warning signs, either.

Helen was quite adept at reading the signs, which was why she was making her way down the snow encrusted, glorified deer track that served as the road to her woodland retreat. The cabin's water reservoir was emptied, the few perishables boxed in the back of the 4-wheel drive. Hank's e-mail accounts now auto-responded that Hank was on a expedition in the wilds and would be out of touch for some time. The local communications gear was then mothballed. Helen had no doubt that she would not be returning to the cabin until the snows melted in the spring.

There were forces of nature she had learned to respect. Then there was her mother.
 

The Bonforte family ethic demanded that their wealth not be ostentatiously displayed. Helen arrived at Myrna's modest suburban home at mid-afternoon, having taken time to enjoy the scenery and have a lunch that she was not required to catch and prepare for herself - a rare luxury. With nothing but her purse and makeup kit to carry, she gracefully exited her the 4-wheel drive and rang the doorbell.

After a minute or so, Myrna answered the doorbell and Helen was deeply shocked. Even knowing that Myrna was seriously ill, Helen still held the vivid image of her vivacious cousin in her mind. The woman before Helen was shrunken, hair lifeless, skin sallow, obviously ill. Nonetheless Myrna smiled and enveloped Helen in a warm embrace.

You came! Helen, I'm so glad to see you! Come in, come in"

"Myrna, I'm so sorry."

"Being sick bites, doesn't it?"

"I'd say it sucked except two fashionable ladies would not deign to use a term that could be so easily misinterpreted."

"Somehow I can't picture you sucking a guy off."

"You'll be glad to know I can't picture you that way, either."

"Girl, I have a certain expertise in sucking cock. At least I've had no complaints to date."

"They've probably been too busy groaning to say anything coherent."

"You could be right. The best ones are those that return the favor."

"A gentleman always reciprocates."

"Doesn't need to be a gentleman, or even a man, my dear."

"How the hell did we get talking about sex as soon as I walked in the door?"

"Because you don't want to talk about my illness. Sex is so much more interesting."

"Mother told me what it was, but it just sort of flew through my brain. I was too busy thinking about how she wants me to be you for the campaign."

"And haven't you always wanted to be me?"

"I've wanted to be like you, but I don't want to be you. We did have a lot of fun being twin sisters, though."

"Which is why this crazy idea of your mother's will work."

"I have my doubts. Why not let someone else run for the position?"

"Two reasons. One, the primary is over and you can't change the candidate any longer. Two - someone new wouldn't have my seniority and would get stuck on the committee investigating thumb-twiddling. I need to keep the chair of the environmental committee to stop the bastards who want to wreck this state. They keep chanting 'jobs, jobs, jobs' like some blasted automaton. Yeah, plenty of jobs cleaning up oil spills and putting out forest fires from the power lines."

Helen started to get alarmed as Myrna's breathing got ragged and her face flushed.

"Slow down, cuz! Take it easy."

"That's all I can do - take it easy. I'm sick of it, there's too much work to be done and I have to take it easy!"

"Then I guess I'm going to have to be you after all. You know what's ironic?"

"Besides my male cousin becoming me?"

"I'm going to have to cut my hair shorter in order to pass as you."

"Believe me, when you're out campaigning, hugging babies and kissing asses, you'll be glad your hair isn't always flying around and getting in your mouth. You're going to have to eat some pretty weird stuff to make the locals happy and hair doesn't improve the flavor one bit."

"Do they still do deep fried butter at the state fair?"

"They do and avoid it at all costs. You get fat and the pundits will start harping on the 'frumpy housewife.' Flash a little tit and you're a whore."

"Good thing I can't do that."

"Your mother has other plans."

"She was agitating about implants when she drove her hog up to my cabin. I thought she was trying to wind me up!"

"It would make it easier for you if you didn't have to worry about your falsies falling out at a press conference."

"Have your doctors tested you for early onset dementia?"

"I wouldn't be surprised. They've tested me for every other thing on Earth trying to figure out what's wrong."

"Then you and Mom can be roommates at the rest home. Implants!"

"Helen, didn't you spend a half an hour crying on my shoulder the last time we went out for a weekend together because you wanted your own boobs?"

"Wasn't that after a couple or four hours in the bar letting those two hunks buy us drinks? Way too many drinks?"

"But you can't deny you want to have your own breasts."

"I want a million dollars, too."

"Helen! You already have several million dollars."

"Maybe you need to test me for dementia, then. So what do I do with my boobies when I'm done being you?"

"Put 'em back in your bra and go back to playing with the deer and the antelope in the woods. They won't give a damn if you have tits."

"And what happens on my next book tour?"

"Just think of the publicity! You'll make the gossip column as well as the literary reviews."

"Maybe I'll just keep pretending I'm you and let you do the explaining."

"They'd never believe it. If I use any three syllable words and I get accused of talking down to to the people. You can't do shit without someone complaining, especially now you're going to be a full time woman."

"I'm glad I got my beard removed long ago or they'd be calling me a man."

"That's the least of your problems, cuz. They've been calling me a man for ages because I speak my mind and don't defer to the older and wiser assholes who happen to be male."

"I suppose I can't just say fuck you to the assholes?"

"If you do, be damned sure your mike is off. In fact, if you're not in this house assume someone is recording everything you say and will sell it Fox Noise."

"Now there's a question in need of an answer. How the hell am I going to survive an interview?"

"By memorizing my stump speech and spitting back predigested pap to whoever is holding the mike. And no, you can not stick the mike where the sun don't shine when they piss you off."

"That's no fun!"

"Try not to antagonize the press or you'll find them quoting everything you didn't say."

"A sucker's game, I assume."

"Yup. There are some good reporters out there and I'll tell you which ones you can trust, but always be on guard. Any slip will be on the front page of the political section or their lead story on the Web."

"On the whole I prefer living in the back woods where all I have to worry about is getting stepped on by a moose."

"Just listen to Penny. She's my right hand girl - now your right hand girl. She can clue you in about what the next interviewer wants to get from you - and how to make sure he doesn't get it!"

"Can't just call 'em something obscene and walk off stage like the Prez?"

"Not my style. Besides, I wouldn't go within five hundred yards of a tanning bed, orange isn't my color."

"Which is something you should only say in this house."

"Not really. Anyone who would still vote for that lying idiot would never vote for me, so who cares?"

"Damn! An honest politician."

"Just make sure when you're me that we stay honest. That's all I ask, cuz."
 

Chapter 5
Wasn't it Einstein who said time is relative? Time is certainly elastic. Helen had been around for a good twenty years, even longer if you count the tea parties two little kids had before they could even read. Helen was as real a person as Hank in many ways, there was no doubt about it. But she wasn't Myrna. She was her own person.

Three months can seem to be forever if you're waiting for something important. Three months can flash by in an instant if you are trying to become a new person. The physical changes are the least of it - restyling her hair, changing the color a bit to match, adding a second set of holes in her ears.

Two days after Helen had arrived, Myrna's long time beautician and friend was done and only the extra inch of height Helen had could set them apart. Once again the twin sisters were back in town, as long as you discounted Myrna's illness.

Helen woke the third morning to hear the barely muffled roar of her Mother's Harley approaching. Helen detested alarm clocks, and this particular alarm was at the top of her list. Knowing what would happen, Helen donned a robe and was at the front door before her mother could start shouting at her to open the goddam door.

"Good morning, Mother."

"Hot damn! This just might work once you get some real tits on you. Hell, even your mother wouldn't know who you were."

"My mother just figured it out with one quick glance."

"Tits, girl. Tits. They're a dead giveaway."

"If they were giving away tits then how come nobody offered me a pair when I was growing up?"

"Which is exactly why I'm here. Now that you've seen your cousin you know what has to be done. Will you do it? I made an appointment for you in Reno with the surgeon that did me, so I know he's good. All you have to do is show up and your very own tits will be yours."

"You make it sound like a game show prize."

"Well, it ain't exactly The Price Is Right, but you could end up looking like Vanna White."

"She's on Wheel of Fortune."

"But the Price Is Right - you don't have to pay a nickel."

"I can't believe this! My own mother wanting her son to get breast implants!"

"And just how many bras does my son own?"

"Uh, ah…"

"And what percentage of the time is my son wearing his bras?"

"Uh, ah…"

"And is my son not about about to put on one of his bras as he prepares for the day?"

"Could you let me wake up a bit before you start the inquisition?"

"Aunt Grace, be nice to my cousin."

Myrna had arrived after hearing the commotion.

"If you insist, Myrna. Look, I'll go rustle up some breakfast while you two get dressed. Once you have some coffee in you we can talk."

"Maybe by then you'll start talking sense, Mother."

"Go, you ungrateful brat!
 

"OK, Hank - Helen - you certainly look right, with a little bit of coaching you should be able to walk like Myrna does. We have time for you to study her videos and learn to talk like her. The only thing is, you need to be able to flash a little titty like she does or somebody is going to notice the difference. Myrna dear, not that you overdo it, but you do know just how much you can get away with to keep the men happy and the women envious."

"It's a fine line, but I do play to it. Sex sells, but only in limited quantities."

"You're tempting me."

"I know, son, and I'm counting on it. I know damned well you've wanted to let Helen out but were not quite ready. Now is the time; for you, for Myrna and for the cause. I may not say it too often, but I love you and you've made me and your father very proud.

"I really don't think this will be a big sacrifice for you, but it will be a big change. The doctors say you can take 'em out and revert, but they're talking physical. I really don't think you'll want to go back."

"I know that I won't go back, Mother. Why do you think I've been putting off the choice? When's that appointment?"

"Wednesday. Evaluation on Wednesday, procedure on Thursday, a week in the hotel to recover and back here to heal while you get intensive coaching as your cousin."

"I've been considering it since you implanted the implant bug in my brain at the cabin. I'm ready. I assume you have the tickets booked already?"

"And the hotel. Penny will be with you to answer all your questions about Myrna while you're recovering.

"Aunt Grace! She's my PA. You could at least have let me in on the deal before you sent her off to Reno."

"Honey, you're sick. Your only job is to get better. Let us take care of all the rest until you can come back firing on all cylinders."

"Not unless you guarantee me a muffler. That damned hog of yours is too loud."

"Now there's something I never thought I'd see - a politician that wanted to be quiet!"

 

Part 3 of 6

 
Chapter 6
Two days later Helen and the slightly mystified Penny were sitting in a plastic surgeon's office in Reno Nevada. For Penny, traveling with someone who was almost the woman for whom she worked for many years was a surreal experience.

Suddenly her best friend and mentor was still ill and this healthy clone was taking her place. Naturally, she had met Helen a few times over the years, and Penny liked Helen, but this was just not anything she had been prepared for.

The Bonforte family money and power had things moving at an almost obscene pace. The doctor, who had learned just how persuasive Grace Bonforte could be a few years back, was doubtful until Helen assured her that having implants was her lifelong dream, that this was not a whim or a flight of fancy.

Helen's detailed knowledge about the type of implant and the procedures available reassured him that he would not end up with a malpractice suit from an ignorant patient who was expecting miracles. Plastic surgeons met such types with disconcerting frequency. After a detailed physical, the doctor agreed with Helen that her choices were exactly what he would have recommended.

The following morning, Helen presented herself with a mix of trepidation and anticipation at the doctor's surgery at a preposterously early hour. She was led to a room, removed her falsies for the final time, and waited for the procedure to begin.

Some hours later she awoke with a weight on her chest and fuzz in her brain. The nurses were kindly, and kept track of her vitals until she was completely awake. Her chest ached and she was still a bit wobbly, but eventually she was able to navigate with Penny's help.

Penny drove carefully back to their hotel and Helen gratefully lay on her bed, once again happy to venture off into dreamland. She awoke feeling hungry, so Penny ordered room service and she had some soup and a sandwich, lighter fare for her still uncertain stomach. The evening was spent drooling on the bed and attempting to concentrate on the television.

Meanwhile, Penny attempted to quell the disconcerting feeling of sharing a room with Almost-Myrna. Not that she hadn't shared hotel rooms with Myrna over the years, but this wasn't quite Myrna, but still looked like Myrna.

The things she did for the cause!
 

It's a good thing that mobile phones are ubiquitous, someone had captured just about every speech that Myrna had ever given, Helen watched those speeches for hour after hour as she recovered in the hotel. She noted the little quirks of speech or movement that Myrna employed in her public appearances. Schooling herself to use those little quirks was much harder, especially as many of them caused her new breasts to ache, but slowly those small indicators became more natural.

Penny was invaluable, filling Helen on all the details about what was happening on any particular piece of video; who was there, what happened off camera, who had to have their favorite issue addressed.

That's when Helen learned about the Farleyfile. Named after James Farley, Franklin Roosevelt's campaign manager, it was a complete record of who Myrna knew, how she knew them and all the little personal details she wished she could remember about a person.

The original Farley used index cards, Penny had all the info on her tablet, which was never more than a snatch away from her capable hands. For that matter, Myrna had her own copy on her tablet just in case Penny had to powder her nose.

If Penny wasn't with her to comment, Helen learned to pause the video, Google whoever was on the screen, then continue watching. With all this background information at her fingertips, Helen began to think this insane idea just might just work.

After a couple of days, Helen began to recite the speeches into a digital recorder as she watched the video. Her first tries were pathetic, hesitant and unsure. Her failure only goaded Helen to try harder, but the end of the first day of mimicking she was sounding much better. After all, Hank was accustomed to public speaking, but his persona was not Myrna's.

Neither was Helen's, who had to unlearn both hers and Hank's quirks and substitute Myrna's. She was sure that any psychiatrist that happened to offer an opinion would immediately opt to throw her in the loony bin as a multiple personality.

With her head filled with images of her cousin, Helen/Myrna flew home and took up residence in Myrna's home once again. Then it was back to work.

Once the vocals were acceptable, out came the video camera. Painful, truly painful. The body language certainly did not belong to Hank, but it was undoubtedly Helen's. Myrna had an unconscious way of raising an eyebrow when posing a rhetorical question. Her left hand often lived a life of its own, ignoring what the right was doing. (Now there's a political comment if there ever was one!)

Myrna's posture was subtly different, more commanding, more forthright. Helen had never realized how she unconsciously signaled ignore me, look elsewhere! as Helen. Yeah, the shrinks would have a field day if the deception was penetrated.

Helen went back to work, grimly determined, then realized that Myrna would never do anything grimly. Damn! She gaily plowed into the umpteenth repetition of the speech. Yeah, Myrna does things gaily.
 

Myrna was torn between laughter and tears as she and Penny coached her cousin in the art of being Myrna. The three women became closer for, in truth, women they were. Helen had let go of all vestiges of Hank, even to the point of avoiding mirrors unless she was completely dressed. The bruising on her new breasts was bad enough, but that damned penis was just plain out of place.

But even as she began to think of herself as a woman, Helen/Myrna was hesitant about doing anything permanent about it. Besides, there wouldn't be time even if she decided to exchange her outie for an innie. In any case, nothing could be allowed to detract from a perfect portrayal of her cousin.

The three women were heartened as time went on. Not only was Helen becoming indistinguishable from Myrna, but Myrna was looking and feeling better from the infusion treatments. Her breathing had eased, but she was nowhere near capable of giving a long and rousing speech. Still, improvement was improvement.

By the 4th of July, Helen/Myrna had mostly healed was getting used to having breasts. She still found herself misjudging how much clearance she had in tight spaces and quietly cursed when she bounced her breasts off some immovable object. Still, she did have breasts, and that was simply wonderful, no matter what the cost!

The New Myrna made her first appearance at a Veteran's picnic. It was a short appearance, pleading her recent illness, but she charmed the people attending and her staff didn't seem to notice the substitution.

Myrna's staff was no less dedicated to the cause than Myrna herself, but the flaws in the plan began to reveal themselves as time went on. There are dozens of little things we do when talking to someone who knows us. We don't notice them, they are just part of who we are with that person. Unfortunately, those subtle things change with each person. Spend an hour with an old acquaintance of Myrna's and they were bound to notice something off.

How could Myrna forget the time when… Myrna seems to be confused today... Myrna has the old passion, but why is she talking about something so silly instead of what's important? There were some nasty questions about her performance. Helen/Myrna hoped that she would have the time to study the Farleyfile before meeting someone she should know.

"I've had a a few health issues, but they're taken care of. Sorry, but it takes a while to get back in the swing of things." Helen/Myrna was going to need to say that far too many times. Her opponent would just love to tell the world that Myrna was too sick to be an effective senator.

Then came the other type of nasty questions, the kind some plant in the audience would ask in the hopes of tripping her up and getting her to say something dumb. Fortunately, Hank had fielded such questions in his talks, so they weren't a complete surprise. Since both Hank and Myrna were ardent environmentalists, many of the same questions would be asked.

The problem would be the overt political sallies. Hank had to learn something of how politics worked to do his environmental work, but he never went into the details of the inner workings. Unfortunately, Myrna was deeply involved in those inner workings. One more thing to study in the rapidly decreasing hours before Helen/Myrna's first fundraising speech. Penny became still more invaluable for her political knowledge, which might even be more detailed that Myrna's.

The problem was, Penny was having some difficulty handling the healthy and vibrant Helen/Myrna, then seeing the real Myrna as her health again started to decline slowly. Helen/Myrna began to suspect that Penny was in love with her boss, something that Helen/Myrna had no trouble believing. She had always been half in love with her cousin.

Her staff gleefully set about grilling Helen/Myrna unmercifully, preparing her for the worst the opposition could throw at her. Myrna's staff did know the inner workings and they knew the reporters and the type of people the opposition would plant in the audience. Helen/Myrna soon learned that an honest 'I don't know' worked far better than 'no comment.' 'No comment' sounded like she was guilty of whatever it was. Sometimes she wished she could run away like the president did when the tough questions were asked.
 

Much time was spent crafting Myrna's stump speech. At first Helen just listened as these professionals crafted just the right words. Eventually she started offering a comment when her expertise in her past life as Hank gave her some insight. Soon she was an active part of the team, working to get Myrna back in the senate where she could do the most good.

At last the preparations were as complete as the team could make them. Tomorrow Helen/Myrna would become just plain Myrna to the entire world. Helen didn't sleep well that night. Penny didn't sleep at all.
 

Chapter 7
The new Myrna's debut. Not Helen/Myrna any longer, but the New Myrna at the height of her powers. Poised, confident and determined to do the job she was elected to do. She spared half a second to squash a gibbering Hank back into the depths of her brain and strode on to the stage.

With a smile she started her stump speech. The audience had been vetted for this first test, but she was not always going to be able to expose herself only to her supporters. She was out to win votes from her entire constituency, not just the faithful.

The New Myrna discovered, as had Hank before her, that walking on stage was much like throwing a switch on her personality. The worries dropped away, the passion began to bubble up and the New Myrna drove home her platform with vigor and panache. Knowing full well that her opponent would carp about the 'aggressive woman' she stood her ground and threw the first punch.

"There are those who will cringe and whine because a woman dares to be forceful and not cower behind some man to protect her. So be it! I'm standing here to protect the trees and the waters and the air we breathe from such outdated and puerile nonsense. We are all human beings, and we all need to stand up so our children and their children have a clean and safe place to live and dream. With your support we can make that dream a reality. Thank you and good night!"

No questions for this first appearance. Despite being on a high like nothing she had known before, the New Myrna was exhausted. She knew as she continued she would gather strength and be ready for the questions, but for a first outing it was a rousing success.

As she left the stage, Penny hugged Myrna and whispered in her ear "I think this just might work. You go, girl!"

No higher praise could be found anywhere on this planet.
 

"Myrna! Cousin, why didn't you tell me just how alive it feels to be out there and firing up all those people. I humbly apologize for any nasty remarks I ever made about you being a politician. This is going to be addictive! I'm hooked."

"Helen, if I had told you would you have believed it?"

"I suppose you're right. I'm an old cynic and I had to have it happen to me in order to believe it. I just hope you will be feeling better soon so you can go back to doing this for yourself. I feel almost sinful depriving you of what should be yours."

"Can I admit I'm jealous? You look so good that I wish this stupid disease were cured and I could be doing what I love again. It's frustrating!"

"I can only imagine what it's like to watch yourself spouting your words and know it isn't you. You just have to work on getting better so you can kick me out of a job."

"Then some talking head would accuse me of losing jobs for my constituents."

"Ah, but I'm not one of your constituents, I live in another district."

"When I get better we can be the first set of senatorial twins. Wouldn't that be a kick?"

"Gives paired voting a new twist, doesn't it? If it keeps going so well I just may consider revising my opinion of politicians."

"Don't revise your opinion, there are some real sleazebags who call themselves my colleagues. Kick one of them out and improve the breed!"

"Yes, ma'am!"
 

The new Myrna got a morning's reprieve after her first outing, but after lunch it was back to the grindstone. The stump speech was revised after the results of yesterday's debut, with changes of emphasis and a few more jokes to keep it light and interesting. Once everyone was satisfied the basic speech had to be reworked to include the issues dear to the hearts of the small town garden club that was the next trial venue.

This time there would be a question-and-answer session, so they reviewed local issues and her staff peppered the New Myrna mercilessly. Even though she knew these were all her friends, she had to work to keep her temper under control with some of the nasty questions and have-you-stopped-beating-your-wife (husband?) queries.

Hank was a past master at fielding such nonsense, people can get very heated if they think you're trying to take their job away or make them change the way they're doing things because some stupid little fish or butterfly might get wiped out. Hank's style was to talk about how everything is interconnected and everyone will benefit if we just take the time to think!

While both Hank and Myrna agreed on the answers, Myrna had to be very aware of the short term harm that a long term gain might cause. People won't vote for someone they see as causing them to go broke or lose the family farm. Politicians who have to run for election every two years have to be conscious of short term goals even when they are working for long term good.

Myrna often used the woman's trick of agreeing until she got her way, something Hank had not really mastered living off in the middle of nowhere with no one to annoy him. Helen was starting to get the idea whenever she had the chance to spend time with people. Now the New Myrna avidly studied Myrna's way of handling questions, relying strongly on Penny to reveal how Myrna prepped for such things. The New Myrna was becoming increasingly dependant on Penny to become believable as Myrna.

After several days of work, Friday evening arrived and the New Myrna stood before the Jackman Land Trust and held forth. The evening went well, most of the new humor in the revised stump speech got a good reaction and the questions were pretty easy. Hank's knowledge of the environment combined with Myrna's likability and honesty carried the day

You can believe that the New Myrna was acutely aware of just how ironic Myrna's honesty that evening was, but the literature went out the door and many cars left the lot with Myrna bumper stickers on them.

The New Myrna was disappointed that Myrna was asleep when she returned, once again she wanted to share the high of a successful appearance. The New Myrna donned her nightgown and went to sleep eventually, looking forward to the campaign.

 

Part 4 of 6

 
Chapter 8
With the first public appearances behind them, it was time to hit the road. No one runs for office without a large number of volunteers willing to go out and do the legwork, answer the phones, make the endless calls, pay the bills, program the computers and generally support the candidate.

Myrna had several offices scattered throughout the district, and the New Myrna was duty-bound to visit them and fire up her volunteers. This was something new for the former Hank, who had scores of fellow-travelers who he knew in advocating for the environment, but these were mostly impersonal acquaintances, held together by their passion for the issue.

The New Myrna was realizing that a politician was not a single person, but more a collection of people working together, much like the collection of organs that form a human body. Myrna was the brain, but without the heart and kidneys and stomach and muscles all doing their part, the brain would be helpless.

Myrna's volunteers were far more personal than those Hank was used to, and if Penny weren't at her side with her ever-ready tablet and Farleyfile the New Myrna would have been sunk.

Maria is twenty eight, loves basketball, has two kids - one each - and gave you a polished rock inscribed with a poem about the Earth. Charlie not only volunteers but contributes a good deal of money to the campaign. He's vegan and sometimes a pain about it, but he works his ass off for you. For Myrna.

There were dozens of people in cities and small towns. At first it felt like she was cheating to have such information at her fingertips when she didn't have any memory of the people she was meeting, but Penny explained that even Myrna couldn't remember everything. The Farleyfile was no worse than keeping your schedule on a computer calendar to be sure you remembered when and where you needed to be.

Which made sense, so gradually the New Myrna learned to rely on the file for the necessary information. Politicians thrive on the personal touch, and the New Myrna found herself enmeshed in a far more personal circle of friends than Hank ever had. Hugging, touching, personal contact came far more easily to the person who once was Hank. The woman who once hid behind Hank was now in control and found herself living a very fulfilling life.
 

Myrna sighed as she arrived home after two weeks on the road. Leaving her suitcase in the car, she opened the door and called out "I'm home" as she came in. She found her cousin on the couch in the living room and was shocked at how she looked. As the New Myrna beheld the Old Myrna she felt the tears start because Old Myrna really looked old after only two weeks. She rushed to her cousin and gently embraced her.

"Helen, you look marvelous! Penny's been keeping me informed and tells me you're doing me proud."

"Trying to be you is bringing out the best in me, cousin. Everybody needs a role model and I couldn't have found anyone better to inspire me."

"Bullshit, cuz! You were always the smart one and I was the brash one. I could talk but you could think."

"I've found out your little secret after being you for a couple of weeks, you know."

"Do tell?"

"I figure you're in it because everybody who doesn't want to kick your pretty little ass is standing in line to kiss it."

"You just be sure when you pull down my panties that the line forms at the back. Anyone gets the front view and we're toast."

"Which is why I couldn't live without Penny sorting the ass kissers from the ass kickers before I expose myself. That woman is amazing!"

"Just be sure you keep her happy. You're going to need her when I'm gone."

"Bullshit, cuz. You're going to get better and I'm going to go back to my little cabin in the woods."

"Bullshit to you, Helen." The original Myrna paused to cough. "The test results sucked, I'm going to be lucky to be alive to hear the results of the election."

"Myrna, no!"

"Myrna, yes! I'm dying, cuz. No sense trying to spin it. You're going to have to make sure those bastards don't get my seat and screw up this state."

"But…"

"We both care, cousin. We've both dedicated our lives to protecting the environment and giving our non-existent children a better place to live. I just wish I had had children, but it's too late for that. Never found a man that compared to you. You know I would have married you if we weren't first cousins, don't you?"

"I know, Myrna. I feel the same way myself, but we both knew better."

"And now it's too late. The best you can do now, Henry David Bonforte, is to be me."
 

Chapter 9
Dying? How could her lovely, personable, brilliant cousin be dying? She was only doing this to help Myrna over a bump in life. Myrna has to get better. How could there be a world without Myrna?

But she's not going to get better. This weird genetic thing is going to kill her. There will be world without Myrna.

Unless Hank does as she asks. Unless Helen and Hank give up Henry David Bonforte and Helen. Unless they become her. Unless Helen chose to carry on Myrna's work, the work that both had dedicated their lives to in their different ways. But could Hank/Helen live their life as another person? Forever. The New Myrna didn't sleep very well that night.

Naturally, the original Myrna had one of her good days the next morning. Still wan and breathing with difficulty, but positive and ready to face down this damned disease and triumph.

Confusing. Very confusing. The New Myrna felt guilty about leaving her cousin alone, but knew she had to be at the campaign HQ for yet another meeting. The original Myrna shooed her cousin out the door with a kiss on the cheek and an admonition to 'get out there and win the damned election'.

The New Myrna hadn't realized just how much time her cousin spent on the phone begging people for money. Not that Hank hadn't done some of that himself, but the organizations he was active in had dedicated volunteers to do the begging, he mostly gave speeches and wrote books.

Which he wasn't doing for himself right now. Henry David had posted he was off on a journey of exploration and wouldn't be available for the next couple of months. No details, just a warning he wouldn't be anywhere near modern communications for some time to come.

It seems that politicians had to do their begging with the big donors personally. Once again, Myrna's dedicated and competent staff put her through a string of mock calls to donors, helping her to refine her pitch.

With Penny and her Farleyfile close at hand, Myrna spent the morning practicing her best lines into the intercom phone. Somehow she felt like those poor souls on the street corners with a sign that read 'God Bless - Anything Helps!' If any of those guys managed to reel in a single donation in the amounts she was asking for they wouldn't need to stand on the corner for several months, if not years. Myrna needed far too many of those big donations to fund her political habit.

There had to be a better way, but the New Myrna couldn't think of one offhand. After a fortifying lunch she again picked up the phone and started begging. She really wished she had taken some training in improv theater, it would have helped a lot. Trying to be Myrna talking to people who at least knew her a little bit and asking for money was stressful.

After several calls she was feeling the strain and put her head in her hands as she hung up the phone. She was surprised to feel Penny's warm hands on her shoulders, massaging her tense muscles.

"Oh my god! It's almost worth making these stinking phone calls to have you do that."

"Being a senator isn't all glitz and glamour, is it?"

"How does my cousin stand it?"

"Because she knows that you have to do this stuff in order to get what she wants."

"I suppose. Just a little lower. Ahhhhh. Will you marry me?"

"I have other commitments."

"Darn! You wouldn't have a sister, would you?"

"She's straight."

"I suppose I would be a bit confusing to most women. Or men…"

"Myrna, I have no doubt you are a woman. You certainly have whatever it is that makes your cousin so special. It must run in your family."

"Most people run from my family. You've met my mother?"

"She is a memorable person."

"You've got that right. Thank you, Penny, I feel much better now. I don't think I could do this without you, and I'm not just talking about unknotting my neck."

"I know you couldn't. I'm not about to see all of Myrna's good work go down the drain. I just won't let that happen."

"Penny? Can I ask a personal question?"

"You can ask, but I might not answer."

"Good enough. Are you in love with my cousin?"

"I think that's one that I would prefer not to answer."

"Which is answer enough. I've been in love with her for twenty years. If we weren't first cousins I would have proposed the minute we turned eighteen and settled down in suburbia and had 2.6 children with her."

"When I turned eighteen we wouldn't have been allowed to get married."

"You could now."

"I know, but there are other things to consider."

"Like what?"

"If we got married that would mean I would eventually marry you."

""What!?"

"I talked to her yesterday after she got back from the doctors. She knows she only has a few more months and she flat out asked me if I would be willing to help you be her replacement. Not her successor - her replacement. To be her."

"She asked me to do that last night. I wasn't sure if she was serious or just overtired and dreaming out loud."

"Helen, she's serious. I know it sounds like the plot for a British farce, but with your family's power and money it could be done. If your mother is on board, it will be done in spite of any obstacles."

"Mom is like that, isn't she? Penny, I've dreamed of being a woman for much of my life, but I do not want to replace my cousin. I want her to live her own life. I want her to know what it's like to love and be loved. I don't want to take that away from either her or you."

"We both want that, Helen. God how I want that! But it isn't going to happen. The infusion treatments just aren't working any longer. Her liver is failing, her lungs are going and the chances of a double transplant working are not good. We're going to lose her, Helen!"

The two distraught women embraced and tried to get their emotions under control.

"Penny, I need to think about this. If I do decide to take Myrna up on her challenge I won't be able to do it without you. We will just about have to be married if this is going to work. We've only known each other a few months, can we even think about being that close for the rest of our lives?"

"You're right. I'm willing to do just about anything for Myrna, but what we do has to be able to work. When anyone gets married someone will drag out the old saw about 'the two becoming one.' We're talking about that happening almost literally. There will only be one person left and the other will vanish."

"That's a scary thing to contemplate, that Hank will go away forever so I can be Myrna."

"If you do, I'll be there for you. I like you a lot, Helen. You're a good person and we both love Myrna. It's like what they taught us in math, if A=B and B=C then A=C. Not that love is formula, but maybe I could come to love you."

"Even knowing we will have to get my mother involved?"

"Can you get a divorce before you get married?"
 

Chapter 10
"...in short, there is no longer any excuse to argue that global warming has not been caused by the human race. I don't want to get everyone into a panic, but we do have to start doing something now to mitigate the damage or our children will be in a world of hurt.

"It's a complex problem, simple solutions will not solve it. There is no magic bullet, no quick fix. Our national government insists on sticking their heads in the sand and singing 'la-la-la' at the top of their overdeveloped lungs, so we are going to have to start doing something at the state level.

"I've been saying this for several years and I'm not going to stop as long as I'm in the senate. I'm going to keep it up once I'm no longer in the senate, but I do hope you will see fit to keep me there. Thank you and I'm very happy to take questions."

OK, so the New Myrna was lying through her teeth, answering the same old questions once again was not what she wanted to do, but what she had to do.

"Senator Bonforte! The President has recently tweeted that there is no reason for these massive, deadly and costly forest fires in California except that the state's forest management is so poor. He's suggested they should be sweeping up the mess on the forest floors. Have you any comment?"

"Are you familiar with the concept of code words?"

"I would think any reporter would be familiar with that phrase."

"Good, then you'll understand that the phrase 'The President tweeted' clearly translates to 'The President is lying again.' Take the California wildfires. The federal government owns 58% of the forests in the state, California owns 3%. The man lies every time he opens his mouth and refuses to take responsibility for his actions or those of his government.

"If the wildfires are the responsibility of the owners of the forest, then Mr Trump is the one responsible. With that said, the responsibility lies with all of us because global warming is drying out the forests on the entire planet, we need to do something about the root cause, not just the symptoms.

"And don't think we are going to get off Scott free up here. We're on track to have around 100 wildfires up here in our own forests, but thankfully we have far fewer acres involved in fires, somewhere around forty last I checked."

"Senator, wouldn't we be far better off if we adopted a plant-based diet?"

"Perhaps, but that's another simple solution to a complex problem. I have a cousin who lives in a cabin off in the woods and grows much of his own food. He lives off the land as much as possible, but he isn't a fanatic.

"He likes a good deer steak and realizes that the growing season up here is maybe four months long. He isn't interested in surviving on beans and rice for the other eight months. Do you have any idea what his cabin would smell like if he ate beans for eight months a year?"

That one got a pretty good laugh, especially for an off-the-cuff joke.

"There are undoubtedly many positives to being a vegetarian and anyone who wants to live that lifestyle is perfectly welcome to do so. But there are some negatives.

"One - what do we do with all the pasture land that is no longer of any use for growing food if we stop eating meat? What do we do with the thousands of families who are suddenly unable to earn a living by raising cattle or hogs or whatever?

"Two - a refrigerator truckload of meat will make it from the Midwest to New England with almost no loss. Most meats have a shelf life of up to sixty days. But studies by the Logistics Bureau show about 33% of perishable food is lost or wasted in shipping, and most produce has a shelf life of two weeks or less.

"Then there's all the petroleum products needed to transport the fresh vegetables, which will need more trucks to transport because produce is less densely packed than meat.

"Three - up until we started using oil-derived fertilizers, farmers used the animal waste as fertilizer on their crops. We need to start moving away from oil based fertilizers, but how do we do that if we stop raising animals?

"Four - and I warn you this one is rather gross - has anybody considered that people eating a vegetarian diet produce a good deal more solid waste than a mixed diet? If you don't believe me, go and visit some stables and talk to the people who have to muck them out. Would we need to expand our sewer plants? Will we have enough water to cope with processing the added human waste? Darned if I know, but somebody needs to answer these questions before we go off and make such major changes."

"Senator Bonforte, your opponent has said your environmental policies will cost the state jobs and lead to economic ruin. What is your response?"

"You couldn't print it, Sarah."

More laughter.

"Really, that old cant has been around since the Indus Valley civilizations didn't believe the desert was expanding and would wipe out their civilization around 1700 BC. As long as people put their personal profits ahead of the good of civilization we will fall as surely as the Romans did. If we don't do something soon there will be a whole lot more sand to hide our heads in.

"People, I've got to hop on a bus and get going to the next stop. Thanks for letting me bend your ears and be sure to get out and vote. If you vote for me I'd appreciate it, but go and vote no matter if you agree with me or not."

 

Part x of 6

 
Chapter 11
"Myra, that was an amazing performance!" Penny said in wonder. "Talk about take no prisoners! Who else could talk about the ancient Indus Valley civilizations and make it sing?"

"I did get a little carried away."

"Maybe, but it made a great video clip and it's going up on our Facebook page ASAP. You creamed old Congressman Ghastly without even mentioning his name. Nice work."

"But is it enough? Can I do enough at the state level to make a real difference?"

"Whoa, girl! Let's win this race before you start thinking national."

"You're right, but reading the BS that old Ghastly is putting out is getting me pissed. Things have got to change, we can't keep doing the same old crap!"

"You really are getting high doing this, aren't you?"

"I am. I never could figure out why my cousin put up with politics, but I think I know now. She may have had the right idea all along. Hank was too cerebral to make a difference in what people think."

"Don't knock it. The same approach doesn't work for everybody. Now get some rest, you have to eat some rubber chicken and do it all again tonight."

"You're right, Penny. You're always right."
 

Home. Dorothy was right when she said 'there's no place like home.' Strangely, Myrna's house had become the New Myrna's home, but as glad as she was to be there, the New Myrna was concerned about her cousin's deterioration.

"How do you do it, Myrna? It never stops and there's always one more speech or one more ass to kiss. I like the baby-kissing part, but some of those asses…"

"I keep thinking of the good I can do once the campaign is over. And I have to admit I sometimes think of how those asses would look with spike marks all over them. Then I smile and pucker up."

"Take one for the team, to use a macho metaphor, eh?"

"Not much macho around here any more, is there?"

"Fresh out. Even if I don't get you back in, this whole thing will have been worth it. I needed a kick to make me do what I've always wanted to do. Helen is here to stay."

"I wouldn't be too sure that Helen will be the one staying. I'm checking into hospice care next week."

"Myrna, no!"

"I'm afraid so. If I stay here and die all your effort will be wasted. I'm going a couple of states away to check out quietly so nobody here will know. Cousin, you've just told me that Hank is gone. Will it matter so much if you call yourself Helen or call yourself Myrna now that you're a woman? We've always been pushing the same causes. Will you push them in my name and remember me?"

"You can't die, Myrna!"

"Can to!"

Their old childish arguments suddenly came to both minds.

"I want to leave while I can still walk out of this house without help. Grace is making the arrangements, including changing some essential records so no one will be able to tell you were once my cousin. Helen, when you get my ashes I want you to take Penny and scatter them in your garden up in the woods. Then take her into your cabin and make sure she gets pregnant before you decide on your surgery. We need to have children to carry on our work."

"Myrna!"

"Helen, the poor woman has been in love with me for almost as long as we've worked together but I've been damned careful not to take it any further. I'm not attracted to women sexually so I couldn't give her what she wants.

"Now she's in love with you and she's going crazy watching me die while you're healthy and vibrant. She's bi so you two can decide how far you want to go in being a woman. Just be sure to store up enough sperm so she can get pregnant again if you go all the way. Dammit Helen, I want you to propose to her before I'm gone so I can see her happy and wish you well."

"I've been thinking about it, Myrna, but wasn't sure she could live with me being you for the rest of our lives."

"We've talked, Helen. She needs you and you need her. Get down on my knees and ask her, then make the announcement right away so the press can have a field day with two woman marrying.

"Myrna, you're sounding like my mother, you manipulative bitch."

"Compliments will get you nowhere. Helen, I've got to lie down, I'm done in, no energy left these days. I love you, cousin, and I know you are going to do me proud. Now go find Penny and make her as happy as possible in a bad situation."
 

Chapter 12
Helen and Penny stood at the curb, watching a car disappear as it turned the corner.

"That's it, she's gone. Really gone. I hate to think of her dying all alone in hiding."

"She won't be alone, my mother will be with her even if we can't. We have to stay here and make sure her courage is rewarded by carrying on her work."

"I know, but…"

"You love her, don't you Penny?"

Very quietly, "Yes."

"I knew it, but it wasn't my place to say. Let's go inside and sit down. We need to talk."
 

"Helen, I have a confession to make."

"I'm listening."

"Helen, I knew that Myrna thought the world of you before I even met you. I guess you realized I wasn't all that enthusiastic about you being her double, but I can't help but think you are one of the finest people I have ever met. That you would give up your life for Myrna just makes me more sure of just how good you are. I've been thinking a lot about my future and I have come awful damn close to asking you a question but haven't been quite ready. I'm ready now."

"And…"

"Helen, I know that I could never marry Myrna, even it it's legal now days. My biological clock is ticking and I want to have a child before it's too late. Myrna couldn't help me but you can. Would you be the father of that child for me? No strings, no obligations, but I want to see Myrna's line continue and you're the best hope for that."

"Penny, I can't tell you how flattered I am. It just so happens that Myrna left me with three tasks to accomplish, two of which I happily accept.

"This is Helen talking now, not Myrna's replacement. Penny, I know I'm not Myrna, not the woman you've loved, but I've fallen in love with you. She practically ordered me to marry you, but I'm asking for myself, not for her. If you'll have me I would like to marry you and be your wife.

"Before you answer, her second task, was to take you up to my cabin in the woods and make sure you were pregnant before we left. Pregnant so the dynasty can continue."

"Dammit! That woman could always read my mind. I stopped taking my pills a couple of months ago and I'm fertile next week. We need to be able to tell Myrna I'm pregnant before she passes. I don't know if there's an afterlife, but I damn well want to see her going there with a smile on her face."

"Come in the bedroom, I want to do this right."

In the bedroom, Helen went to Myrna's jewelry case and found the ring.

"Penny, this ring belonged to my Aunt Glory, Myra's Mother. She made sure I knew where it was for when I asked asked you this question."

Helen got down on her knees.

"Penny, will you marry me and bear our children, in the memory of one of the finest women who ever lived?"

"Yes, Helen. Yes Myrna. And yes, Hank."

"I don't think you'll be surprised if I tell you she had it resized to fit your finger."

"Myrna does not leave the important things to chance. It's beautiful."

"My Aunt Glory was a beautiful woman. For that matter, Uncle Len was quite the man. I hope we can do justice to the love that this ring represents."

"We will, Helen. Helen?"

"Yes, Penny?"

"Would it be crass to ask if we could start that baby right now?"

"The sooner the better. And if we aren't sure then we tell Myrna you're pregnant before she goes, no matter what."

"Absolutely."
 

"Helen? Have I mentioned that I'm bi?"

"Not directly, but the rumor mill thinks so."

"In this case it's correct. I can hardly wait until we have some more practice because that was one of the most satisfying first times I have ever experienced. There were times when I wasn't sure if you were a man or a woman making love to me."

"I suppose the boobs flapping in your face might give you that impression."

"It's more than that."

"You aren't the first to say that to me, Penny. There are times when I'm not sure myself."

"I think I'm going to enjoy sharing your bed, but we need to get up now."

"Why bother?"

"Because we need to go shopping and find you a ring so that there is no doubt we are engaged."

"I guess you're going to be the practical one in this marriage."

"Speaking of practical, you never told me what the third task was."

"We have to go up to my cabin and spread her ashes in my garden."

"You're right, that's not a task I want to do, but we will do it in her honor. We'll have to stay up there after the session is over next year so we can grow some lovely flowers and vegetables."

"Then we need to do two things right away. Send out a press release so the hoo-raw about two women getting married can die down before the election and go to the courthouse for the paperwork. I have Myra's - I mean my - birth certificate in the dresser. I assume yours is at your condo."

"Right in the safe. I'll need pack enough clothes to last a few days and then call the real estate people and put it on the market, since we'll be living together. Where are we going to find time for me to move?"
 

"Congratulations on the engagement, Myrna. You've made me a very happy man."

"Wait a minute, Ken! I'm the one who's supposed to be happy."

"But I won the pool."

"All right, Ken. What pool?"

"The one for when you were going to pop the question to Penny. We were beginning to think you were too chicken."

"Well dammit, Ken. How come I didn't get a chance to jump in the pool. I could have cleaned up if I knew you scurrilous scalawags were betting on me."

"Yeah, but who else would pick a week if they knew you were in it?"

"You're too logical for me. Get out of here and do some work."

"Yes, boss!"
 

Chapter 13

Senatorial Shenanigans?
Myrna Bonforte, longtime chair of the State Senate environmental committee and the most eligible woman in the senate broke the hearts of every man in the chamber yesterday. Miss Myrna has announced her engagement to longtime aide-de-camp Penelope (Penny) Clark.

Her opponent this time around, former senator James Glassey (who was turfed out of his seat last election and moved to Bonforte's district to challenge her) had a field day with the announcement.

He hauled out his soapbox and started declaiming like some Roman Orator about the scandalous behavior of his rival, condemning her getting hitched to another woman as an affront to morality.

Asked what she thought of Ghastly's - oops, I mean Glassey's - comments, Myrna smiled and said "The congressman is still mired in the hypocrisy of the past. He has once again shown that his dated ideas have no place in our modern world. I would hope he comes to realize he is living in the twenty-first century sometime before the election."
 

Religious Rantings or Political Piety?
Residents of Myrna Bonforte's district found a curious screed in their mailboxes on Monday. A new twist in the heated race between Bonforte and rival James Glassey has a colorfully printed condemnation of Miss Myrna, ranting and raving about her upcoming marriage to longtime aide Penelope Clark. Using such memorable phrases as 'Whore of Babylon' and 'Satan's Mistress' it seems somebody (with a whole lot of money and a printing press) doesn't like these ladies.

The maniac missive wasn't signed, but the text is strangely like the sermon given by the Reverend Foster in his budding Megachurch of the New Revelation last Sunday. I guess the Rev is willing to give up his tax free status to stick his angelic oar into politics.

So we called the good preacher and a spokesman piously denied any knowledge of the mailing. He even went on to tell me how Jesus wouldn't like people doing things like that. I could have sworn I heard splashing noises from the crocodiles swimming around in his tears.

By the way, Rev - if you won't sign your postcards because you don't want people to trace the dirt to you, don't use your church's bulk mail permit to save a few bucks.

Keep tuned, folks. When politics hits the gossip column things are starting to get interesting!
 

"... and once again, thank you for allowing me time to talk to you today. I'm sure you have some questions for me, but I'll be honest with you. We were late getting here and I didn't get a chance to take off these high heels and my feet hurt! So I'm going to step away from this podium and sit down while I answer your questions."

The audience laughed while Myrna was offered a chair, disengaged the microphone from the podium and kicked off her shoes with a sigh.

"Could you comment on the recent mailing to your district?"

"I was rather proud of our mailing, it summarizes all the things I've been trying to say very nicely. Of course, I hated my picture, but aren't women supposed to hate their own pictures?"

Another laugh.

"I was thinking about the mailing from Reverend Foster."

"Was that his mailing? The dear man claims it wasn't his. Far be it from me to call a man of god a liar."

"So tell me, are you really A 'Whore of Babylon' or 'Satan's Mistress?"

"Oh my, Such poetic language! Well, let's see: 'Whore of Babylon'… That doesn't fit, Babylon isn't in my district and any man who's shared my bed hasn't paid for the experience. Frankly, I'm disappointed there wasn't a seventeenth century woodcut of a devil with a forked tongue doing disgusting things to some poor damsel. It would have spiced the thing up.

"And 'Satan's Mistress'… You do know I'm engaged to be married? I don't think my fiancée would approve of me becoming anyone's mistress. In fact, I'd be seriously concerned for Old Nick's welfare if he even tried.

"Sorry, but I'm afraid I'm fully committed to being Penny's wife; we'll be married once the campaign is over and we have some free time again."

"So what do you say to those who don't approve of same-sex marriage?"

"It certainly beats a no-sex marriage."

More laughter.

"Seriously, there is a simple answer. If you don't approve of same-sex marriage then don't marry someone of the same sex. Same thing with abortion - if you don't approve then don't have one. I don't care how you live your personal religious life as long as you aren't hurting someone else. I do care when you start telling me I have to live my life according to your convictions.

"There are people in this world that believe in literally hundreds of gods and goddesses; no one could possibly satisfy all of the strictures of all of the religions. I'm satisfied with my relationship with my god and am perfectly willing to be satisfied with how anyone else relates to their god just as long as they leave me alone.

"Reverend Foster doesn't share that belief, so I'm afraid I'm not going to be inviting him over for a beer and a BBQ any time soon. He has stated publicly that he had nothing to do with the mailing, yet it was paid for by his church. If I remember right, one of those ten commandments he's so keen on tells believers not to lie, so I have no problem calling him an hypocrite."

"So when are you getting married?"

"Ask Penny - she's the one who keeps the calendar. I just show up where she tells me to and start shooting off my mouth."

"You've been a lot more, ah, forthright during this campaign than before. What's changed?"

"Have you noticed the increase in wildfires, floods, hurricanes, all kinds of natural disasters? Global warming is not going to let us hide with our heads in the sand much longer. We have to start doing something about it now. We need to be spending some serious money on research in ways to replace fossil fuels. Even if we find a viable and affordable replacement it's going to take time to get it on line.

"We can only do so much at the state level, but I'm determined to do what I can. That's why I'm so much more forthright this time around.

"The state can encourage wind and solar power, help clean up the mess left by irresponsible industry, and help farmers use animal waste to fertilize their fields instead of using oil-derived fertilizers. We could even start looking at how to recycle our sewage into fertilizer instead of dumping into the rivers and oceans.

"We need to be making alliances with our neighboring states to try and mitigate the damage being done at the federal level. Rivers run between states so we need to work together to protect them. Winds blow across state lines, so what others do will affect us; likewise what we do will affect them. Power plants in the Midwest have destroyed lakes in the Adirondacks, for example. This is going to cost a lot of money, but we have a future to invest in or we won't have a future.

"Thank you for listening to me - now I would appreciate it if you went out of here and started working to make the world a better place. I can use all the help you can give me to change the way things have always been."

 

Part 6 of 6

 
Chapter 14
"Dammit Penny!" cried Myrna, slamming down the phone. "I feel like I should go out and stand on the street corner with a sign saying 'Anything helps - God Bless.' I'm sick of begging for money. How did we ever let the system get this corrupt?"

"I think our founding fathers had it right when they tried to ban political parties. Too bad human beings are inherently so competitive they have to keep raising the stakes no matter what we do."

"Am I ever going to get the time to do something besides beg for money or make speeches to people to beg for votes - and money?"

"You have to ask when we can't even find time to get married?"

"Then let's elope. We got the paperwork, let's corner a judge, drag a couple of drunks off the street for witnesses and get hitched. We can have the fancy ceremony after the election and parade my new boobs down the aisle. That's it! Instead of begging for bucks we call the money wedding presents and kill two birds with one stone."

"Are you willing to risk the wrath of your 'Aunt Grace' by not inviting her?"

"That's why I'm marrying you. You know just where the plan will fall apart before I go and make a fool of myself."

"And I thought you just wanted to get me pregnant."

"Is it too soon for the pee test?"

"Next week. If it's positive then we can elope."

"Will the campaign accept baby presents as donations?"

"If it can be turned into cash we'll take it. Politics is an expensive passtime."

"I knew that but I didn't realize just how expensive.

"Just wait until you find out how much having a baby costs."
 

"Ms Bonforte, Congressman Glassey's latest ads are saying you want to ruin the economy of the state by banning oil and gas. What is your response?"

"The question has two parts, so let's take them one at time. I'll tackle the second part first: that banning oil and gas would ruin the economy of the state. In that fact the congressman is absolutely right; without oil and gas we would be stuck at home freezing in the dark come winter. Our civilization depends on oil and gas to keep us alive, and if we're all dead then the economy would be pretty well shot.

"So now we get to the first part - that I want to ban oil and gas. In that one the congressman is talking through his hat. He really needs some competent researchers before he starts putting together his ad campaigns. For that matter he could have logged on to my web site and found my position paper, but he still seems to be stuck in the nineteenth century. What I've said, and what I will keep on saying, is that we need to start finding a way to replace oil and gas right now because it's going to take some time to do it and time is running out.

"Green power can supplement oil and gas, but it can't replace oil and gas without a completely new technology. We need to work together to find the technology, or more likely technologies, that will work, not take potshots at anyone who doesn't agree with us. We have a generation, or maybe two, to get this right or there might not be any more generations - at least a generation of people who enjoy our standard of living."

"Myrna! Have you set a wedding date yet?

"Hi Rose, good to see you actually trying to get some actual facts for your column - for a change. I hope you're recording this because I am and the tape will be available if you print anything that doesn't quite match reality. To answer you question: No, we haven't set a date.

"I came damned close to eloping this afternoon when I got sick of calling people asking for money, but Penny has more sense than I do sometimes. Tell you what, Rose, I could wrap this campaign up if you gave me about six hundred thou for an exclusive interview and I wouldn't have to do any more fundraising."

Lots of laughter from the audience.

"Checkbook journalism, Myrna?"

"As long as it's your checkbook and the check clears."
 

"Hi Mo…Aunt Grace. How is she?

"Fighting, Myrna, but she's about out of luck. She's been following the campaign and even laughs when you get outrageous. Keep up the good work."

"Can I talk to her?

"She's sleeping and her voice is pretty much gone."

"Damn!"

"Which is why you're there. Two more weeks and you can take a few days off."

"Does Myrna have two more weeks?"

"I don't know, child. I just don't know."
 

Chapter 15
Election Night
"How many billionaires did I have to call to finance this setup, Penny?"

"You didn't have to call anyone, the party is paying for the show. Got to give the press and the rank and file the impression that we're on top of the game. You're infecting me, Myrna! You're turning me into a cynic!"

"I'm trying to turn you into a mother. Any luck?

"I was saving it for after you won, but you're going to be a father, my girl."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Then what say we elope on our way out of town tomorrow?"

"Still planning to Shanghai a couple of drunks for witnesses?"

"Whoever is available."

"Myrna? You up for a grand publicity stunt?"

"Like what?"

"What say we get married tonight after you win. There's a half a dozen judges here and there'll be plenty of drunks for witnesses in a couple of hours."

"Not drunks, we'll ask Congressman Ghastly to be a witness! Show him just how magnanimous I can be in my victory."

"Have you seen our old buddy Rose Brown around? You promised she would be the first to know. We'll get top billing in her column tomorrow."

"She could be the second witness. I've got the paperwork in the car. Let's go ask Judge Small if he's willing."

"Michael? He'd be honored. You've gotten the political bug bad, haven't you?"

"Just as bad as you have, mommy."

"We are a pair, aren't we?"

"A pair of whats I'm not saying."
 

"How do you stand the waiting?"

"I was insane the first election party I attended. You get used to the tension, but still…"

"It looks like we're ahead."

"But those are safe areas. It's going to be back and forth a lot."
 

"We're down again."

"Expected. The rural districts are where the election will be decided. You have the towns sewed up."

"I hope I didn't piss off too many farmers."

"So do I."
 

"So Myrna, if you don't win are you still going to get married?"

"Judge, I've been wanting to get married for months now, but we've been too busy. Even if I don't win I'll come out of this evening a winner with Penny as my wife."

"Trust a politician to spin the answers!"

"Myrna! Four of the rurals just came in. We're ahead!"

"Good news, young lady. We need you on that environmental committee."

"And that's where I want to be. Is that a nine point lead with eighty percent of the polling stations reporting?"

"Yup. I think we've got it."
 

"Where have you been hiding yourself, Myrna?"

"Hi Rose. I've been canoodling with my fiancee in the bedroom suite."

"Can I print that?"

"I've got something better for you."

"Do tell."

"How would you like to be a witness at our wedding?"

"What!?"

"We've decided to get married just after my acceptance speech. If you can go across the street and drag Congressman Ghastly over here once he concedes he can be the other witness."

"Shit! Oh! Sorry, that wasn't professional."

"Can anyone use the word 'professional' about a gossip columnist?"

"Myrna, that's a low blow."

"And you haven't had to blow anyone for a scoop?"

"Just for that I'm going to quote you!"

"As if anyone would believe you hadn't made up the quote."

"You're getting nasty in your old age, girl."

"Ah! 98% of the polling stations reporting in and we're still ahead, although CNN called it for me an hour ago."

"Go and get Ghastly, Rose. I don't want to walk out of this place single," commanded Penny."

"On my way!
 

Naturally the party bosses and political reporters had a field day with Myrna's impulsive marriage ceremony. The party bosses made a big deal about how the most definitely not giving Myrna away and were even gracious to the rather confused Congressman. Glassey. Ever the politician, he knew that this was good publicity and played along, promising everyone he would win the next time. A good time was had by all.
 

Electoral Elation and Bridal Bliss
Newly re-elected Senator Myrna Bonforte stunned the joyous crowd at her party's electoral bash last night by getting married to longtime aide Penelope (Penny) Clark immediately after giving her victory speech. (You knew that she was engaged because you heard it here first last September.)

"I just couldn't wait now that the election is over," said Ms Myrna just before she became Mrs Myrna.

In a completely bonkers turn of events, Yours Truly and recently bested Congressman Glassey were co-opted as the witnesses. Really, I'm not kidding you! The congressman certainly had glassy eyes as he witnessed the marriage and wished the couple well. Nice going, Congressman, you're a good sport!

Try as I might, I couldn't wheedle where they were planning to honeymoon. Niagara Falls? Tahiti? Tutti-Frutti? Once I find out, you'll be the first to know.
 

Chapter 16
The honeymoon was as unique as the wedding, not a joyous celebration but a sad goodbye. The newlyweds packed Hank's old 4x4 and quietly journeyed to Myrna's bedside. Two days later Myrna gave up the fight and breathed her last breath with her cousin and her longtime aide at the bedside.

Myrna's body was quietly cremated and the ashes, somehow labeled as belonging to Henry David Bonforte, were taken to Hank's retreat in the woods, where they complied with Myrna's last wishes.

Even though Penny was already pregnant, they chose to celebrate Myrna's life with the age-old affirmation of life in Hank's bed.

A few weeks later Henry David Bonforte died on an out-of-state trip and his ashes were ostensibly returned to his cabin, where his cousin spread them over Hank's garden as far as the world was concerned. Money and power can accomplish things that ordinary people cannot.

The New Myrna had the surreal experience of attending her own funeral celebration, giving the eulogy her loving cousin had written about Hank with very mixed emotions. Some eight months later, Helen Davina Bonforte-Clark was born to continue the work her family had started.

In the ancient words of succession - the senator is dead. Long live the senator!