Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

Alexander, or Allie as everyone calls him has a new diary. You now have the chance to enter the confusing and exciting times and tribulations of being a teenager. Being a teenager is something we must all try, and it is not easy.
This is the modern version of the Adrian Mole diaries.

<!--break-->

Characters in the Story

Alexander - Everyone calls him Allie. This story is about him.
Sarah – Allie's sister
Billy – Allie's brother
Aunt
Andrew- His best friend
Noah - The bully
Annie – The girl he has a crush on
Mrs. Murphy – old woman living down the street
Alberto – boy from greece
Bella – Girl that lives across the street

Victoria Temple Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100009587452865
Discord; Victoria Temple#9168

Click here to read First part

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

July 4-11, 2015

July 4, 2015
Saturday,
Dear Diary,

Let me introduce myself. My name is Alexander and I am 13. For some reason, everyone calls me Allie. I have long shoulder-length hair that is a small bit curly under my ears. I usually sweep it to the right to keep it out of my eyes. I am very small for my age! I am the same size as my sister and she is 10! Otherwise, I am skinny. People say 4 things when they think about me. I am very small for my age. My hair is long. I have a nice singing voice and I have long eyelashes.

Today is my birthday. The most important day of my life. I am no longer a child. I am a teenager. I am also a middle child which explains why I just got you as a birthday present. Let me explain. Mom thought that Dad was buying me a present and Dad thought Mom was doing it. So this morning when I came down to show my new teenage self, mom and dad looked at each other. Then Mom rushed to her room, saying it was time for my present. I heard her swearing and drawers and doors being open. After me waiting and looking forward to the new smartphone I wished for so long, Mom came down with a present packed in Christmas paper. It was you! A diary!

It was hard to smile when all I got a diary as a present. Mom told me that this was very special. You would be a place to archive my deepest feelings and fears.... my soul. I will be honest, a smartphone would have been better.

My aunt came around later with a small cake she got at the bakery. She gave me a quick hug and talked with Sarah, my sister. Aunty is my mother's sister, but lives close by. She is not married, and I suppose that is good because she hates men. Aunty has lots of money and lives all by herself in a posh house. This should mean that I get good presents, but that never happens. I am sure she could afford a smartphone. She came with a cake and a book about horses.

Mom couldn't find any candles and dad just put one of his cigarettes down in the cake after he lit it. The cigarette stood proud like a candle, and smoke rose up from it. Dad was watching the news and wasn't paying attention. He told me to blow it out. We had cake with cigarette ashes powdered on top of it.

I will always remember the day that I became 13!

---

July 5, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Mom woke me up and told me we had to rush as we were late for Church. I nearly slept walked to the bathroom, but could not get in. My big brother Billy was using the bathroom and this meant he would take ages. He is 19. He thinks he is so mature. I, on the other hand, do not think that he is smart. Maybe because this is because he only thinks about parties and girls. He often says he is embarrassed by his family and he doesn't want us to speak with him outside the house. Billy can be a pain, but I love him as a brother.

I waited for him to come out. I really do not know what he does in the toilet. I lost patience and went out in the back yard and found a secluded tree I could water. Dad had the same idea and was mumbling what Billy was doing all his time doing in the bathroom?

Mom was like a busy bee. We were just about to walk out the door when she noticed my hair. She screamed that I could not go to Church looking like a hedgehog. So I was dragged in the house again and Mom started brushing all the knots out of my hair. She did not listen to my plea's and when I shouted in pain. Her mission was to make me look respectable. I told her I could do it myself if Billy did not hog the bathroom.

The hair in the front of my head was long. It was not enough that it was just swept to the side. Mom said that no one will see my pretty eyes.

Pretty?

She had a solution. She used one of Sarah's hair clips to keep it where she wanted. I protested as I did not want any girl thing in my hair. As I protested, Mom shoved me out in the car.

When we came to the Church, I went to change to my choir robe. I sing in the Church choir and still have a soprano voice. I loved this and it was the highlight of every week. When we got changed in our robes, we went and stood where we usually did and waited for the priest. All the boys snickered when they saw Sarah's hair thing in my hair.

Dad fell asleep during mass, so he did not hear me sing. He is 47 and teaches at the school I go to. He is a very popular teacher and everyone loves him. The only problem is that when Dad does not work at school, he forgets that he has 3 children and is too tired to be with us. Otherwise, he is a huge Madonna fan, so there is Madonna music all the time at our house. I do not understand her. One minute she is singing that she is a virgin and another minute she sings about... well you know.

After Church, my best friend Andrew met me outside Church. He was praising me to the skies telling me that I sang like an angel. I wondered how he could hear me sing, as I had no solo today. Dad also praised me and told me how great I was. Did he dream of me singing?

---

July 6, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

We have two months left of summer holidays. I already miss school!

Today it hit me that I am now a teenager. I was no longer a child. I was on my way to becoming an adult. This means I have to be more mature. I have to be smarter and I have to look cooler than I do now. The teenage years are the path of what you will do as an adult! So when school starts again, I must study and nourish my brain so I could get a good job when I am older.

I also needed Annie to know we would be happy if we got married. She is a girl in my class and I plan to get married to her. She has long wavy hair and a nice body. She looks like a goddess in the school uniform. She has long curly blonde hair so I am sure our children would be cute. The only problem is that she really had not noticed that I am alive yet.

Yes, I am a teenager now. I knew that it was time to get rid of all my childish toys and books. Just not today

---

July 7, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I had a long talk with mom today. Mom works at home. She worries a lot and has every book there is about raising a child. My mother does not like that we are getting older. She thinks she still needs to help us with everything. I think she dreads the day when we are so old that we will move and she would be alone with her books. Mom is 38. This often made me think that there are so many years between mom and dad.

I told mom that I was now a teenager and had to look like one. Mom started to panic and said she read that this would happen. She would have a problem if I decided to be an emo or a rocker or goth. I told her that this was not my plan... yet. I just had three wishes.

The first was that I did not have to wear cartoon briefs. Let's face it, they are childish. I should be wearing designer briefs or boxers like any other boy. I told her that Andrew wears designer boxers. Mom asked me how do I know and then decided that she did not want to know.

I told her that she no longer had to put out my clothes. I was now capable of deciding what I wanted to wear every day. If I got pocket money, I could also buy my clothes.

Finally, I told her that I needed a hair cut. I explained that when people met me for the first time, they often thought I was a girl. Mom explained that they were just jealous. This is something parents say to close a conversation.

After I presented my demands, mom squeezed me cheek and told me that I was cute. Then she suggested that we bake something.

Sighs.

---

July 8, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

When I woke up, I found that Mom had put clothes that I should wear today at the end of my bed. So much for my demands. Maybe this is why I will be a teen for 5 years!

Today Greece was in the news. They are bankrupt and need money. I should be more politically interested and care about what was happening in the world. The problem is that I am bankrupt too. I still need a smartphone!

---

July 9, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

I need a summer job to get money. It will also give me peace from my sister Sarah. Sarah is my sister and she is 10. I often consider Sarah like a small kitten, that is so curious about everything. She talks a lot and has lots of friends. Sometimes she latches on to me and won't let me alone. Its really like having a radio except you can't turn it off. Sarah is the same size as me, which is embarrassing, but they do say that girls grow faster. Both Billy and Sarah have dark hair, my hair is blonde.

The problem is my only talent is singing. What could I do?

---

July 10, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Mom has a tradition every year that she makes us stand against a wall after we had our birthday. Then she draws a line on the wall to show how high we are. I think I am too old for this. What will she do after I do this when I become 50? I heard that a human becomes smaller when they get old.

When she was done, I looked at the wall and nearly wanted to cry. I could see how fast Sarah was growing and my growth was not even noticeable. This made me stare in the mirror for a long time. How will Annie ever notice me if she has to look down at me! What would my first kiss be like? Will I need a ladder to reach her?

I decided that I must see if there was some way that I could stretch my body!

---

July 11, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Mom and Dad decided that they needed a day for themselves, where they can be romantic and all that. I do not know why. They are already married!

My brother decided to hang with his friends and Aunty said that she would take care of Sarah. Mom persuaded that Aunty to take me as well. Aunty did not know what to do, so she decided that we should just drive until we found something exciting. I didn't like this. Aunty had a child seat in the back of the car for reasons unknown. Sarah was allowed to sit like any normal person while Aunty told me to sit in the child seat. When I protested, she said that Sarah was too old to sit in a toddler seat. Did aunty not know that I was older?

I felt like every person we saw as we drove could see me in this toddler seat. They were most likely having a good laugh. Sarah did not tease. She just told me that someday I would grow. We drove for two hours, looking for something to do.

Aunty finally found something we can do. We could swim at the beach. I told her that we had no swimming clothes with us. This didn't bother aunty. She said we could swim in our undies. Sarah had no problem with this, but I stood there and said no way. Aunty did not understand my boundaries as a new teenager. She asked who would know me?

I do not know how I agreed to it. The next thing I knew was that Sarah and I were running towards the water and splashing. I started to think that aunty was right. No one would notice me as they did not know who I was. We were in the middle of nowhere. Far away from our home town.

How wrong I could be. Despite we were at a place that was far away, Annie was somehow there. She waved to me as she saw me in my lion king briefs and she was laughing. My teenage romance could not have had a worse start!

---

CLICK HERE FOR NEXT PART

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

July 12-18, 2015

July 12, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Why does the Church never have mass in the afternoon? We should be allowed to sleep late on Sunday. It is supposed to be the day of rest. It is definitely not that way at our house. There is panic when we wake up and a rush to try to make it to the toilet before Billy hogged the bathroom all the time. This usually failed. Mom always complains that we only have one bathroom and Aunty has 3 in her house.

Dad promised that he will make an outhouse like they had in the old days. So far there is only a tree where the outhouse should be. I am not sure that tree even appreciates that we water it.

The church was important for me today. I needed to pray that Annie would forget that she saw me in cartoon briefs yesterday at the beach. I know this was a big prayer for God. I am sure he had other things to worry about like world peace and Greece having no money. I wondered if it would be too much if I also asked him for advice on what summer job I should get.

When we came to the Church, I wanted to ask Father Immer if he would remember me in his prayers. I figured I needed the support of someone holy. I didn't have time. When we were standing in the Church at the choir stand, I was looking at Annie and hoping she will notice me. She did when Father Immer came out as he forgot to arrange a solo. He asked me in a loud voice if I would do the solo, as I had the best soprano voice. Then he said in an equally loud voice that it is good that my voice did not break. He even announced so the whole church could hear that I have not started puberty.

I could see Annie suddenly noticing me. She had this smile on her face. Most likely she thought I was a little child, and not a teenager

---

July 13, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

When will school start? I think I will go mad just hanging around home and Sarah constantly wanting to play things with me. I was probably the only one that wanted summer holidays to be over. I knew it was wise and wait for September, as Annie needed to forget what she has seen at the beach and what Father Immer said yesterday.

It was so hot today. Mom was complaining that the world is sick and getting warmer and warmer. All I know is that I wish we had a swimming pool. Dad moaned that they cost so much and we could just sit in the bathtub.

He finally put a sprinkler in the front yard and told us that would cool us down. Sarah and I spent all afternoon jumping back and forth. It was not the same as a swimming pool, but beggars cannot be choosers!

This strange man looked over the fence and introduced himself. I already forget his name. He told me that I was very pretty and I could be a model at his agency. He told me that I would be able to keep some of the dresses and clothes that I model. Sarah was laughing her head off as I had to explain I was a boy. The man looked shocked and quickly walked away. I really need a haircut so people can see that I am a boy.

When I told mom, she said that God created me perfectly. It is people's problem if they think that I look like a girl. Mom does not understand that it is also my problem. It is embarrassing that so many think that I am a girl. I am sure I will spend many hours when I am an adult telling this to a shrink!

---

July 14, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Today I could not find my cell phone. I have one of the oldest Nokia telephones that were made. It really should belong in a museum. I told Dad that my phone was gone and I needed a new cell phone. Dad sighed and gave me that speech about what it was like when he was a child. He obviously did not have anything and he was still happy. Who could live without a cell phone? How am I living without a smartphone?

Today I looked at the news. The news never has anything good, does it! I feel depressed after I see it and I get the impression that the world is doomed.

Today something good happened. A small spacecraft flew past Pluto. This is the last planet in the solar system. I decided that I must get information on the planet, as before I heard this, the only Pluto I knew was on Disney hour on TV and he was a dog.

I could hardly sleep that night. I had to get more information.

---

July 15, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today was a good day!

I got my first job in my life. This means that the only way is up. Mrs. Murphy asked if I would cut her lawn. She is an old lady that lives down the street. I told her that I could cut her lawn the next day. I spent the morning trying to make a logo for my new lawn business. I mean coco-cola has a logo. Then so should I!!!! I sat on my bed and then thought about having a multinational business. This was the day it all started.

In the afternoon, I looked on the net for information about Pluto. " It is the ninth-largest and tenth-most-massive known object directly orbiting the Sun. It is the largest known trans-Neptunian object by volume but is less massive than Eris. Like other Kuiper belt objects, Pluto is primarily made of ice and rock and is relatively small—one-sixth the mass of the Moon and one-third its volume. Light from the Sun takes 5.5 hours to reach Pluto at its average distance" It took 9 years for the spacecraft to reach Pluto!

I felt all the wiser and intelligent now. I am sure that Annie would be proud of how I was nourishing my mind.

I decided that I would make a paper mache model of the universe. So I went on the net to find out how to make paper mache.

An old newspaper, comics or magazines
1 level mug of plain flour
1 level mug of warm water, plus extra tap water for loosening

After a few hours, the galaxy was made. It looked a bit crude as if it was different balls with a metal wire through them around a huge football. I thought that it would look better when I painted it but I decided to wait to do this. My brain was tired and Bily (my brother) was frustrated because he couldn't find the football anywhere.

---

July 16, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today I went to Mrs. Murphy's house. As usual, it was very hot. I could understand why she did not want to cut the lawn. When I looked at it, I nearly fainted. The lawn was so big and the grass was so high. I had to have good working morale, so I reminded myself that to get to the top of the ladder of success, it would need hard work!

It took me over an hour to cut the lawn. This was while the sun was beating down on my head and I was sweating a lot. I was trying to console myself by trying to remember the minimum wage and wondering if I should save my money or spend it. It would be wisest to save it for a smartphone. The problem was that I was not always wise. I would need will-power and decide that I would be responsible and save money.

When I was done, Mrs. Murphy came out to inspect. I was shocked and a little mad that she did not approve of the job I have done. So she told me to cut the lawn once again! It was torture to cut the lawn again. The sun was warmer, and I was sure the sun did this on purpose. I was hoping that Mrs. Murphy would give me extra for doing this.

She did not! In fact, she did not give me any money. She told me that she would light a candle for me at the church and say a prayer for me. I was speechless. I wanted to sue her and take her to the highest court.

When she asked if I would cut the lawn again, I told her that I would!

---

July 17, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Today was the worse day of my teenage life. When I woke up, I found that my sheets were wet. When I investigated further, I realized that I wet the bed!

I wanted to cry and I felt so confused. I quickly got up and took all the wet sheets down in the hamper. I shoved them at the bottom of the hamper, thinking that this would hide it for a while. Maybe mom would think that Sarah wet the bed.

I couldn't help thinking about it. I was hoping that it was a once-off event and maybe caused by some viruses in the air. I was sure that It would not become a habit. I had to make sure that no one knew about it. What would Annie say if she knew that I wet the bed?

---

July 18, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

I wet the bed again so I once again hid the sheets in the hamper. I must be getting sick with some strange virus that makes me wet the bed!

Dad wanted to hold a family meeting today. He informed us that we would be going on holiday. This made me excited, as I heard my friends talk about going on holiday to the best resorts and beaches around the world. It would be a nice summer if we went to some resort in Spain or a remote island.

I was excited until Dad said we were going to a family camp at a beach a few hours from here. This was not what I hoped for. Things got worse when he said that the beach was a naturist camp. We would be wearing our birthday suits!

There was nearly a riot when he said this. We all said that in no circumstances would we go. Mom explained that it was because we were invited and it was free.

This didn't matter. I am not going anywhere where people can see my whole body!

---

CLICK HERE TO READ THE NEXT PART

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

July 19-24, 2015

July 19, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Since I became a teenager things have all gone wrong when I went to the choir. Today was the same. We had the same problem as always and we could not use the bathroom because Billy was locked in it. This was not a bad thing. When mom was brushing my hair, she put it in a ponytail. She used one of Sarah's elastics. I protested as high as I can, but mom said that my hair was getting too long and I looked like a hound dog. Of course, it was long! I have not had a haircut for ages.

On the way to church, Sarah whispered and asked me if I wet the bed. I think I stopped breathing for a few minutes. Then I poked her as hard as I could and told her to shut up as our parents may hear her. Sarah was mad that I did not confide in her and told me everyone will think I was a girl because of the ponytail. I poked her harder.

Sarah was right, everyone did notice the ponytail and giggled when they saw it and asked me if I was now a sissy. Noah told them that I was just a small child, and confused if I was a girl or not. Noah was this cool boy in my class, and I decided he was my life long enemy!

It didn't help that after mass, I saw Noah speaking with Annie. As I walked out of the Church Annie told me that she loved my hair. She smiled and said that I could help her do her hair someday. Noah laughed and said I could borrow one of her dresses.

On the way home, Dad reminded us about the nudist camp. We reminded him that we would not go. So we started a family fight in the car. The fight was very bad, no one spoke with each other all day.

---

July 20, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today was a strange day. Everyone was not talking with dad. We told him there was no way we would go anywhere where the whole world could see us naked. He only wanted to go because it was free. I knew it would ruin my life and I would end up locked in some mental institution.

Aunty came today and strange enough she wanted to speak with me. She usually wants to speak with Sarah.

Things got weirder. Aunty told me that she was sure that I had some gender identity problems. That was another thing I needed to google! She basically told me that I looked like a girl for a reason. She thought God made a mistake and made me a boy when I should have been a girl. She told me that we could correct that mistake. I wanted to ask her what she meant, but I was so confused.

As aunty left, she gave me a hug and told me not to worry. Adults can be so strange. I did my best to forget what she said. How does God make such mistakes? Why do adults always say the strangest things?

---

July 21, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Today was possibly the worse day of my life!

I wet the bed once again. I no longer tried to think about why I have done this. I just hid the evidence.

I got a postcard from Andrew. He was on holiday in a beach resort in Tunisia. How could life be so unfair? He was at some posh place with plenty of sun and the best swimming pools and everything. I was expected to go to a place that I was not even allowed to wear clothes! If this happened, I would die of humiliation. The human body is meant to be covered!

I marched down to Dad. Mom went to the shop because there was no milk for the cornflakes. I decided not to wait until she came back. I told Dad that he can go to this weird beach, but I was staying home. If he did not allow this, I planned to make protest signs and protest in the front garden. I hoped that the TV news would be there and cover my protest. I was a teenager now and I needed to protect my rights. Otherwise Amnesty International would have me on one of their postcards.

Dad did not even respond.

Mom did not come back with the milk, so Sarah had this crazy idea. We could try orange juice with the cornflakes. We will not try that again!

The police came to our house. At first, I thought they were going to arrest dad for wanting to take us to that beach. It was much worse. He told us that mom was in the hospital because she was in a car crash. Dad rushed to the hospital while aunty took care of us.

The rest of the day was quiet. Aunty was sitting with Sarah that was crying. Billy locked himself in his room. I was just silent. I am sure I was in some sort of shock.

---

July 22, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I wet the bed again. It doesn't shock me anymore. It's just getting hard to hide. Sarah knows about it. She promised she would not tell anyone. However, she has no problem reminding me that she is younger than me and does not wet the bed.

Dad took us to visit mom. She just was in a bed with tubes and machines keeping her alive. She looked like she was asleep. Sarah was crying and Brian asked about how bad it was. I just wanted mom to wake up. I didn't care if she was mad or not. I am also worried about why I have not cried since. I think I really do not believe it. It was like a bad dream or a bad movie.

When we came home, we found Aunty was there. She told us that she is moving in while mom is in the hospital. The doctor said she could wake up at any time or she could be in a coma for years.

So many changes.

---

July 23, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

This is the first day of Aunty trying to be our mom. She came into my room as I woke up and asked me how long I have been wetting the bed. I told her for a week. She told me that she read some of the books Mom had and she read that boys often wet their beds. It can be because a boy's body was not as perfect as a girl's body. She also explained that some boys did not want to grow up.

I thought this was rubbish. I do not want to be a baby! I am proud that I am a teenager. I just need to grow more and I just need Annie to notice me. I just need to start puberty. Of course, I did not say this to aunty. It was embarrassing enough that she was speaking with me as I was surrounded by wet sheets!

Aunty told me that the book about child care suggested that I used diapers until the bedwetting stops. I started crying and begging her not to do that. I was sure that this was just some virus. Aunty was nice and said she would not force me. She would let me decide. If I needed diapers, I should tell her.

Later Aunty told the whole family that she had an announcement. I hid my head behind pillows as I was sure that she would tell everyone that I wet the bed. She did not tell the others. Aunty said we would not be going on a holiday to the nudist beach. Dad started to protest but Aunty gave him a harsh look. She told him that it was no place for children.

Then Aunty went silent and finally said that she thought that mom would like us to go on a holiday. She was paying that we would go on holiday to Greece. This made me smile.

We are going to Greece! That is good as they have no money. Maybe it's not bad having aunty here.

---

July 24, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I should be depressed and sad. I still wet the bed. Mom is in a coma. I haven't grown since I became a teenager. However, I am excited. In 8 days, we will be in Greece!

Today I looked at the news again. There was good news. Cuba and the USA started diplomatic relations. They were mad at each other for 54 years. This is a hell of a long time to be mad someone. I looked at Wikipedia to see where Cuba was. Maybe someday I will go there. The pictures show that it looks like they need more money than Greece.

Aunty told me I would be going to see a psychiatrist next week. She did not want to discuss it. I always thought that I would see a psychiatrist when I am grown up. Maybe I need to get a head start and start seeing one now.

---

July 25, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

I wet the bed again. It's 7 days to Greece.

Dad went to see mom in the hospital. This is very hard for him. He really does love mom!

I played with Sarah and her dolls. I never really done this before but I did not want Sarah to feel sad that we were not allowed to visit mom. I never knew there were so many rules when girls played with dolls. I even had to make sure that the clothes were right when I dressed the dolls. The strange thing is that it was lots of fun and the time when so quick. I promised Sarah that we can play with dolls anytime she wanted to.

Aunty saw us playing with dolls and told me that she is happy I am “setting my feminine side free”. Whatever this means.

Aunty read in a book that she must support my gender identity problems. I do not even know what that means. Why can't aunty explain things so I understand? Thank God we have google.

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

July 26 - August 1, 2015

July 26, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today we did not go to Church or the choir. Dad said he was not in a mood to talk to God yet. So we ended up visiting mom. These visits make me so sad. The nurse says to try and speak with her. She could hear us. I was not so sure about that was true. Still, I told her that I missed her. I let her know that we were doing fine, as Aunty was taking care of us. I also told mom that sometimes aunty was confusing, and she read too much!

I looked at Google and found out that Aunty thinks I consider myself a girl, although I have a boy's body. This is total nonsense. I was happy being a boy. I had no desire to go around in dresses and looking like a sissy. Maybe my hair is long. Mom likes it long and it looks nice. It's people's problem if they think I look like a girl!

Aunty thought I needed diapers. At first, I thought was 13 years old wears diapers in bed was weird. Then at the shop, I saw that they had pull-ups that fitted 15-year-olds. This makes me think that I am not the only one that wets the bed. This may be true, but I will not admit that I need diapers.

Aunty already put a rubber sheet on my bed. What is next? Does she want me to sleep in a crib? The rubber sheet makes so much noise. Every time I move a muscle, then it makes a noise. How am I ever to invite Andrew in my room or how would I have my first kiss with Annie?

Why is being a teenager so hard?

---

July 27, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today Aunty took me to the psychiatrist. I expected Dad to complain about the expense and say there was no need. He was depressed about mom and when he was home, he just sat on his chair and looked at the TV. I hoped that our trip to Greece would cheer him up.

We had to wait for ages in the waiting room. There was a girl there my age and she was just as pretty as Annie. I was to shy to speak with her. At one stage, when she looked at me, I did not want her to see me blush, so I picked up a doll and pretended to fix the doll's clothes. The pretty girl was called to the office. I was confused as she stood up. It looked like she was wearing a diaper. It must be my imagination. No pretty girl would wear a diaper.

When it was my turn, I was alone with the psychiatrist who was a nice old woman. She started talking about how I reminded her of the girl that was in the office just before. She told me that the girl was once a boy but now lives as a girl. The girl did not want to grow up so she would soon be living as a toddler girl. The next time I will see her, she will be smaller!

I was in shock. How can she be smaller and why did she want to live as a girl?

The shrink started asking me about my bedwetting and how people thought that I was a girl. She even asked me if I liked playing with Sarah's toys and if I liked her clothes.

This convo was getting too weird. The shrink could see that I was uncomfortable. Then she reminded me that she knew I was playing with a doll in the waiting office. She didn't believe me when I said it was because I was blushing. Then I was asked do I miss being a toddler. I decided not even to answer that.

“You are a teen” the psychiatrist explained, “but you have an identity crisis. It seems to me that you have the spirit and the thoughts of a girl, and this means that the boy's body you have is a mistake and confuses your identity. You wet the bed and diapers would help you. I feel like you miss the security and peace you had when you were younger.”

She promised me that I would get help. I would get some vitamin pills I could take every day and she would give me a shot now. I would get a few more shots after we were in Greece.

She gave me a shot in my arm and it hurt like hell. I started crying. The old woman did not console me, she just sighed and said I didn't tell her that I cry so easily.

I heard her tell aunty that I got a puberty blocker and will need these once a month. She said the tablets are hormones and the big shot is an AR shot. Aunty seemed pleased.

I was mad. I was not sure, but it seemed they wanted me to be like that girl that went in before me. I did not say a word all day and refused to speak with my aunt. The only time I spoke was when I yelled and chased Sarah all over the house because she painted faces on the planet paper mache art piece I made.

---

July 28, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

4 days to Greece. I wet the bed again. I am still mad at my aunt because I think she is trying to turn me into a girl.

I decided that she would not do this to me. I was born a boy and I will die a boy. God made me a boy and he does not make mistakes. Well, he did make vegetables that did not taste good. The point was that I would ignore aunty and refuse to be something I am not.

If I only had willpower.

It all started when I was sitting watching TV. Aunty sat down next to me and asked me if I was mad at her. I shouted at her that I was a boy and I would stay a boy and I refused any tablet she wanted to give me. I saw a tablet that shrink gave her. She obviously wanted to give it to me.

“Your mom will not be home for a while.” she said, “We can be enemies or friends. The tablets and shots are because I think you want to be a girl. The psychiatrist thinks so. It is only normal that you are denying and fighting to what is deep inside you. You will one day make up your mind if you are a boy or a girl. This medication is just to help. I am not mean or hate you. I respect if you finally decide to live as a boy. Let's give it a few months and then you will know.”

This was totally ridiculous. Do all boys get this talk? Are they asked if they really are a girl in the wrong body? I was about to say no until Sarah came in. she was dressed in a white summer dress with small ladybugs. It was so pretty. It looked so comfortable. My heart was beating so quickly. Then it hit me. Was I jealous because Sarah had this dress? Why did I react like this? Was Aunty right?

I took the tablet from Aunty and agreed that time would make us wiser. I also told her that this bedwetting is not stopping. I needed diapers at night.

Now I will finish here and ask God for will power.

---

July 29, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today we visited Mom again. It's strange that I cry over the smallest thing but did not cry about her. I told her about the trip to Greece. I did not tell her about the pills I was getting or that I admitted that I needed a diaper.

That night aunty told me that she would help me with the diaper. She said she did not like pullups so she got me a normal diaper. It was not normal. It was a girl one with butterflies and pink elastic. I decided that I will not protest about them. The less time she spent getting me changed, the less time she can see me in my birthday suit.

Wearing a diaper was so strange. I felt like a baby. Why did I agree to this?

---

July 30, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today I packed my suitcase after aunty asked a few thousand times if I packed. I suspect that she was just like my mom and would check my suitcase after and change half the clothes to clothes she thought was better. I was proud when she said she trusted me. It's not hard packing. Shorts and T-shirts. What more do I need?

I thought I was finished until Aunty asked did I remember clothes if it was cool...

Later she asked if I remembered nice clothes if we went somewhere posh...

later she asked if I remembered my toothpaste.

When she was helping me with the diaper that night, she told me that I often thought like a toddler. She warned me not to be upset. Boys were not as mature as girls and she read that many boys would rather be a toddler again if they had the choice.

Dad told us that he did not want to go to Greece. He did not want to leave mum. It was agreed that we would go with aunty.

My aunt says the strangest things again. Then again, I was in bed wearing a diaper.

---

July 31, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Today was the day when we were going to Greece, It was chaos as everyone seemed to be running around the house making sure they had everything. I was ready so I tried to be with daddy. I tried telling him to make sure mom knew that we loved her and the holiday wouldn't be the same without them. Dad didn't say anything. He was no longer himself but just a shell of his former self.

Just as we were waiting to go, aunty called me in my room. She told me that she did want to take chances. I was to wear a diaper while we traveled. I never wet during the day. I was asked what happens if I slept on the plane. I suppose Aunty had a point and I just wanted to get out of here.

In the taxi to the airport, Billy was disappointed with me. He asked me what 13-year-old allow someone to put diapers on them? I scowled back and did not want to talk about it.

The fact is that I thought people would notice. Diapers are big and bulky. No one mentioned it. A few called me a girl and some even called Sarah my big sister.

When we came to the hotel, we had a crisis. In other words, I had a crisis. Everyone else had their suitcase and clothes. Aunty told me we must have left my suitcase at home.

I cried for an hour

What will I do?

---

August 1, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today started badly. I was so sad that I had no suitcase and no clothes. Aunty told me that it was good that she bought an extra toothbrush. She promised me we would find a solution that day, but I could wear what I wore yesterday.

Aunty turned her attention to Sarah and asked why she bought 2 suitcases. Sarah was confused and reminded aunty that it was aunty that packed.

We decided to explore the old town and some ruins of a temple and other things. I loved being in Greece. The problem was there were more tourists than Greeks and not everyone spoke English.

This will be the best holiday ever. Tomorrow Aunty told me what she decided to do about my clothes. I look forward to shopping for new clothes!

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

August 2 – 8, 2015

August 2, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Sighs! Sighs! Sighs!

You think that I would be so happy and excited now. I was now in Greece and I was on a decent holiday. I know that mom and Dad were not here, but I could survive that. The problem is that someone forgot my suitcase and even Sarah had two suitcases with her. She did not understand this, as she said the clothes in the other suitcase was her old clothes, and she would not ever be seen with them on.

Then aunty said that they would fit me. I looked at her and did not say anything. I was sure that we would be buying some clothes today. I shouted at her and said there was no way that I would wear girl clothes. I shouted that I was a boy. Then out of despair, I sat on a chair and started crying.

Aunty was very patient and waited until I was finished crying. She pushed a pacifier in my mouth and told me I could wear Sarah's jeans and shorts and no one would notice. She also said it would test the doctor's conclusion that deep down I considered myself a girl. No one knew who I was here, and it would have been a good test.

My brother got mad at this and asked me was I seriously considering wearing Sarah's clothes. Aunty was already putting dungaree overall shorts over some panties on me. The Dungaree had a flower sewn in the belly pocket. I looked like a girl. I wished at least that I had short hair.

Aunty said we would hang around the hotel today. I was afraid people would stare and laugh at me. I did not expect them all to think that I was actually a girl.

This was one of the strangest days of my life!

---

August 3, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I think Aunty has some secret power over me. Maybe she has hypnotized me!

When we woke up today, Sarah was getting dressed by herself. Aunty helped me take the diaper off started putting the clothes I had on yesterday. What was the matter with me? I did not argue or even question what she was doing! I did not even complain when I was wearing girl clothes. I even let her put a pacifier in my mouth!

We were going to the market to see how a street market was like in Greece. Before we went, aunty insisted that Sarah and I have some sun lotion on. It was the strongest one she had, and it looked like cement on our faces. I couldn't help laugh when I saw Sarah. The sun lotion made her so white- It was like she was a ghost.

Billy did not want to come. He said he had better things to do. I knew that this meant that he wanted to flirt with the girls.

The market was a strange place. Everyone was shouting and there were so many people. When someone saw us, they would praise aunty for having two lovely daughters. This made me blush. I also wondered why they were so nice and when we wouldn't buy anything they would get mad and curse us.

I will be honest. I forgot all about the clothes that I had on and I didn't get mad. It was only when we came back to the hotel, that Billy teased me as much as he could, Basically he was saying that he was embarrassed that his brother is a sissy. Of course, I started crying.

He told me that there was no hope for me when aunty was helping me with my diaper for bed. Billy thought it was funny when he asked what would be next... a crib?

---

August 4, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Mom's Birthday. She is far away in a deep sleep.

Today started in the worse possible way. I fell out of the bed and ended up on the floor. This was both painful and embarrassing, especially because Billy teased me yesterday about needing a crib. Aunty told me not to worry. I was sleeping in a strange bed.

Aunty and my sister wanted to spend the day beside the hotels swimming pool. I never understood why people went to a country far away and just stayed on some chairs at the hotel getting a tan. Aunty put panties on me and a white summer dress as well as fluffy ankle socks. Her reasoning was that we were hanging around the hotel and everyone thought I was a girl.

I didn't complain but said I would rest in the room. It was just me and Billy. He was going to hang out with a girl he met. However, he said he wanted to be a good brother and have a talk with me first. He reminded me that I was now a 13-year-old boy. If I looked in the mirror, I could see I looked like a 10-year-old girl. He asked me why I was allowing aunty to change me to a baby girl. Why did I not say no? He reminded me that we would be starting school in 3 weeks, and I would be teased and bullied if It was known that I was a sissy.

I walked down to the swimming pool. Billy was wrong. Aunty was not changing me to a girl. I forgot my suitcase. Aunty would never have changed my suitcase with Sarah's old clothes.

I didn't tell Aunty what Billy said. She was too busy putting sun lotion on us.

A boy my age started speaking with me. His name was Alberto. He told me how pretty I was. When he saw me blushing, he laughed. He told me that he was 13 and that was too old to be a boyfriend to a 9-year-old girl. Alberto hoped we could be good friends. I should have told him that I was a boy and his age. However, I did not know how to explain the dress.

Alberto and I hung around the hotel and explored the rest of the day.

---

August 5, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I do not mind that I have to wear diapers to bed anymore. I have come to the conclusion that my body was strange. I must be the only 13-year old that did not start puberty or was not growing. The tablets that the doctor gave me did not work either.

Today I had yellow cotton shorts and a t-shirt with a glimmer unicorn on as well as those fluffy socks and pink sandals. Aunty put my hair in a ponytail. I would have loved to spend the day with Alberto, but Aunty decided that we should visit the Acropolis.

The Acropolis of Athens is one of the most famous ancient archaeological sites in the world. Over the centuries, the Acropolis was many things: a home to kings, a citadel, a mythical home of the gods, a religious center and a tourist attraction. It has withstood bombardment, massive earthquakes and vandalism yet still stands as a reminder of the rich history of Greece. Today, it is a cultural UNESCO World Heritage site and home to several temples, the most famous of which is the Parthenon.

Greece may be poor now and have no money, but back then Greece was rich. It was an amazing place and I would not mind living in ancient Greece,

When we came back to the hotel, Aunty wanted to rest. She was suffering because she was sunburnt. She spent so much time putting suntan lotion on Sarah and me, that she forgot herself.

I spent a few hours at the playground with Alberto.

---

August 6, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

I fell out of bed again. I also miss mom and Dad and wonder if mom notices that we do not visit and speak to her when she is in a coma.

Aunty spoke with the hotel staff and asked them if they do not have a cot because I was falling out of the bed. They only had a toddler crib, but because I was small, I would fit in it. This was bad news for me. I started crying again at how strange my life was. Aunty put a pacifier in my mouth and reminded me that the doctor did say I would start acting more and more like a toddler.

I tried forgetting about it by spending the day with Alberto. He was now a good friend. I did feel bad that I was not honest by not telling him that I was a boy who was wearing girl clothes on this holiday. I was just afraid he would think I was gay or a sissy. I decided that being honest would not help anything.

---

August 7, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Being on holiday is supposed to be fun. Today was a bad day!

It started with Billy teasing that his prediction that I soon will be in a crib was true.

Sarah was also mad at me. She said I was spending most of my time with Alberto and not her. I told her that she could find some friends she could be with. This did not make Sarah happy. She wanted to be with me.

I went and found Alberto suntanning by the pool. We spent an hour or so just talking and joking with each other. Sarah found us and asked us if she could be with us. I joked and said that no one wanted a pesky little sister around them. This made Alberto smile and admit that he always thought Sarah was my older sister.

Sarah was mad because I ignored her and called her pesky. She told Alberto that I was a boy that liked dressing up and acting like a girl. At first, Alberto laughed at this and said it could not be true. Then he asked me if I was a sissy? When I looked down and started crying, Alberto cursed and walked away.

I ran back to our room and told what happened. Billy shrugged his shoulders and said he did warn me. Aunty just said that Alberto could not see how special I was.

---

August 8, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Sarah must have been feeling bad. She asked me all morning if I would forgive her. I nearly did until she said that she honestly did not consider me as a boy. She considered me as her little sister. This made me depressed. I no longer knew who I was.

I tried finding Alberto. He walked away every time. Then he told me to look at myself. I was a boy in a summer dress. He made it very clear that he could not accept people that were sissies or not content how God created them. There was no way that he wanted to be my friend.

I walked around the hotel grounds, where a man suddenly asked me if I was a model. I said no and that I was not allowed to speak with strangers. He showed me his press badge and asked could he take a picture of me. I was not thinking right, as I agreed. So the man took some pictures of me standing in front of a huge rose bush.

We have a week left in Greece. I do hope that it will get better.

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

August 9 - 15, 2015

---

August 9, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

I woke up today and just thought about my life. I was a 13-year-old boy that was sleeping in a crib. I wore diapers to bed and during the day I was dressed as a girl. I thought back to when I officially became a teenager. I planned to be cool and fall in love with Annie. What went wrong? Why was I now a baby sissy? This was not what I planned. This meant my life would be more complicated. The big question is what would I do when I went back to school!

I suppose most of my problems were small compared to billions of people that lived. I knew that billions lived in poverty and this meant it was hard enough for them to get something to eat! I have seen pictures of African children that were skin and bones and did not even have the energy to swat the flies around them. It made me cry every time I thought of some child dying from hunger. I am sure that the world produced enough food to feed us all!

I did get some great news. Dad rang to us and said that Mom recovered and was now out of the coma. On top of that, Mom would be home this week. She would have to take an easy for a while. This was the best news I had in a long time. I really missed my mom!

---

August 10, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

While we were on holiday having fun and all that, the rest of the world was doing what it usually did. Today 5 people were killed by terrorists at an airport in Afganistan. I will never understand some people. I will never understand how some people want to inflict their religion on others and think that violence would achieve peace. I will be honest, I had tears in my eyes as I saw the news. The world is such a cruel place.

It's not like I didn't have my own problems. Aunty put me in a one-piece swimming suit. It was pink with a fish in the front. She did my hair in pigtails and told me that I was like a princess. This upset Billy, that stomped out of the hotel room saying anyone can see I was a boy if they looked enough. It took me a while to think about what he meant by this.

Aunty took Sarah down to the beach and we started to build a sandcastle. Everything was fine until I saw Alberto. He looked at me for a bit and then grunted and walked away. I started crying again as I was sure he would be a good friend. He could not accept that I was different.

Do I want to be different?

Sarah put her arm around me and told me that I cry too easily. She told me that she knew I had a boy's body, but it could be a mistake from God. She liked the idea of having a little sister. I didn't know what to say about being a little sister. I was older than Sarah!

My aunt was just smiling as she saw that Sarah was being nice to me. Sarah was even praised when she told me that I could have all her old clothes.

---

August 11, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I knew Billy thought that treating me as a sissy and wearing diapers was child abuse. He had this view that I was being brainwashed. Brian would say things like he could not understand how I did not just say no. He would ask me how many boys do I know that would say yes to wearing girl dresses and wearing diapers.

Aunty heard this and told us all to sit. She started by saying when we get home, we shouldn't make our mom worry. Then she looked at Billy and told him that he was being mean. She looked him in the eye and said that there are many boys that dress like a girl and many girls dress like boys. These children have gender identity problems which means that they may have a certain body, but this body does not match the identity of their gender. These children and even adults are considered transgender and despite they have the wrong body, they live like the gender they identify themselves with.

I wanted to be anywhere than listening to people discuss me. This was especially when she explained that I was most likely having a gender identity crises and I should be able to live as a girl and be a girl. Aunty finished by telling Billy and Sarah to support me!

Billy looked at me, still not accepting what was being said. I got up and said that I never expected a holiday in Greece to be like this. I told Sarah that we should go down to the pool.

---

August 12, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I wonder if Annie notices that I am not there. I never did tell her that I was going on holiday. I also wondered if she wet the bed or maybe she was transgender! This made me laugh as she was too pretty to be a boy that lives as a girl.

In a way, I wanted to go home. I wanted to give mom a hug. I must also admit that I was a bit afraid of what she would say because I wore Sarah's clothes during these holidays.

There was Karaoke at the hotel that night. For once, Billy was being nice and said with my experience in the choir, I could win. He just reminded me that I was wearing a dress and tights.

I did not care. I went up to the stage and sang my heart out. I sang a song called “The Rose” by Bette Midler. It was such fun performing for other people. They praised me and stood up and clapped when I was done.

I won the competition. I can't wait to show mom the trophy

---

August 13, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today we visited Greek museums. This was a strange experience. Many of the statues were missing heads or limbs and many were just naked people! Some were a bit modest and had a fig leaf. I was shocked by the statues and could not understand why some people had to make statues of naked people. Maybe they did not have many clothes back in those days. I was glad that they had clothes now!

It was strange when people praised Sarah and me for being well behaved. Many also called me Sarah's little sister. It was embarrassing that Sarah was 3 years younger than me and yet we were the same size. Now people thought that she was my big sister.

I find at times that I do not really remember the fact that I am dressed as a girl. The strange thing is that sometimes I think I am a girl. I like when people tell me that I am pretty and adorable. It is only at times when I remember that I am really a boy. Then I am close to having a panic attack and hoping they don't find out.

Imagine if people knew that I wore diapers in bed!

---

August 14, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

We were going home tomorrow. The last day on a holiday is quite sad. This hotel has become our home for 2 weeks, and now we were going back to the life we wanted to escape.

Today Alberto wanted to speak with me. He wanted to apologize for being so mean to me and judging me. He thought I had a lot of courage in dressing as a girl. He thought it was great that I didn't care about what others thought and just lived the way that makes me happy.

I tried to tell him that when we went home, I would be a boy again. I wanted to say this but Alberto said at first he did not believe I was really a boy. I decided not to argue with him. I think it took a lot of courage for him to apologize.

Alberto gave me the cutest bear I ever have seen. The bear was pink had was holding a red heart that had “friends” written on it. I decided that this was one of the best presents I ever had.

---

August 15, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Our holiday in Greece was now finished. It was time to go home. Of course, Aunty insisted I wear a diaper just in case I had an accident. I wore a frilly white party dress and white tights. I really did look like a small sister.

To be honest, I did not think about what I was wearing. I come to accept being a girl. a psychiatrist said I had a girl's spirit and so did Aunty. If I did not accept it, I would fight aunty all the way. So I was not embarrassed about traveling home. I was excited because we would see mum!

We finally did come home and Dad was waiting for us. I could see him smiling until he saw me. He asked “What in the world happened to my son. Why is he wearing a dress?”

I didn't have time to answer. I started to cry and panic. My face was wet with tears as I tugged at aunts' arm and said that my teddy bear was missing.

Dad looked so confused

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

August 16-22, 2015

---

August 16, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

The greek holiday was finished. It was great to see mom again. However, there was a lot of confusion when Mom and dad saw me. They did not expect their teenaged son to be wearing a dress and tights, with pigtails! Aunty tried explaining the situation we were in. They were the only clothes I could wear.

The humiliation did not stop there. Aunty told Mom and Dad that I had to wear diapers because I wet the bed. She told them that we visited a psychiatrist where she said I had a gender identity problem. All this was too much information for my parents. Mom said that she needed to rest and Dad just sighed when he looked at me.

Today when I woke up, I went to my dresser and put on jeans and a t-shirt. I was back in my old clothes. They did feel strange on me, and I felt like I was wearing someone else's clothes. Sarah looked sad at me and Aunty frowned.

Choir went ok. The boys started talking about some voices that were broken. I knew that when I became a teenager, my voice would get deep. This did not happen yet. The other boys then picked on me and told me that I would have to grow first. One boy said my long hair made him think if I was a girl. One boy even said I was so small, it would not surprise him if I still wore diapers.

I was happy to be home. I spent all afternoon with my mother. We did not do much except sit and were together. Sometimes being with someone in quietness is enough. When Dad was there, I told them that it was wrong that I let aunty dress me up as a girl. I admitted that I was confused.

Dad accepted my apology while mom said she read that teenagers had to find out who they were. She asked me did I feel comfortable being a girl. I looked at her and said I was a boy! Dad smiled and teased by saying a “diaper boy”

---

August 17, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I fell out of bed today. I still wet the bed every night. I was used to the diapers now and did not try and think too much about them. I tried not to think that it was something a baby had to do. I know I will get better sometime.

Aunty must have been in a bad mood or disappointed that I wore boy's clothes yesterday. When I got up, she had girl clothes put at the bottom of my bed. It was a skirt and a glitter tank top. I think she expected me to wear them. My aunt probably thought that I was such a sissy, that I missed wearing girl clothes and would love the chance to wear them again.

I tried 14 days as a girl in Greece, and I am still unsure about how I felt about it. I ignored the clothes on the bed and wore my old boy's clothes again.

Otherwise today I helped take care of mom. I asked her could I see the new Disney film that was coming out this week. Mom said that she could not take me. When I asked Dad, he told me that a lot was happening. He had no time to take me to see any movie. This now became a mission for me. I wanted to see the movie.

---

August 18, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

When I came down to visit mom today, I could see that she had her parenting books all around her. This made me want to sigh and hide.

Mom explained that she had a long talk with my aunt and she now needed to read a lot to understand how I felt and what I needed.

She started by saying that she knew that I started wetting the bed and it was wise that I wore diapers to bed. She had to read a lot about it and was surprised at how common it was. She found out that 2-3% of boys my age wet the bed.

“Do not be ashamed about it.” She said, “You do not have any day accidents. We must look at the positive side. The other thing your aunt said is that a psychiatrist thinks you consider yourself a girl. You think that God has made a mistake. You felt more yourself and at ease when you were a girl in Greece. This is also getting common. More and more children consider themselves transgenders. I am confused as to why you have your boy clothes on.”

I tried telling mom that I was a boy. However, she said that a psychiatrist cannot be wrong. I was holding on to my identity as a boy because I was afraid of what would happen.

Why can't everyone just forget Greece and what the psychiatrist said?

---

August 19, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I had a lot of thinking to do. My life was now in a mess and I wanted it back to the way it was. I sat under a large tree in the corner of the garden and figured I needed to think.

Aunty and my sister thought I was a sissy and mom was slowly getting on their side. Dad thought the idea was disgusting and Billy thought I was a wimp. The fact is that I did dress up as a girl in Greece. I did like the different attention and I did like when people thought I was pretty. The fact was that I knew I looked like a girl. Even when I was dressed as a boy. I looked like a tomboy.

Then the psychiatrist said I wanted to be a toddler again. This was hard to understand as I really looked forward to being a teenager. Still, I wet the bed and wore diapers. I even fell out of bed sometimes and used a crib in Greece. I always have a pacifier in my pocket. Is all this because I feel safer when I was acting like a toddler?

Now I had to think of the reality. I am a boy with a boy's body. I am a teenager. I am in love with Annie. On top of this, I knew that I would be bullied and teased non-stop. My classmates would not accept if I started to wear the girl's uniform. I would be an outcast and people would think that I am weird.

I remember my plan as a teenager was to be cool and to get Annie to love me. I have to get back to my plan and be as cool as I could. I had to show my aunt and everyone who agreed with her that I am a boy

Project Cool Allie is back in motion!

---

August 20, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

When I came down for breakfast Dad and mom and Aunty were arguing. I was starting to think if Aunty was starting to live here. She was never here so much until she became obsessed with me.

Dad shouted no. Then the women were saying that he needed to support me. Dad shouted at the top of his voice that I was not wearing a girl's uniform to school. The women continued to tell Dad on why he should let me. No one considered that they should ask me what I thought

It didn't matter. The doorbell rang and it was the police. They asked mom if she had any enemies. This was strange and everyone went quiet. The police explained that the accident mom was in was no accident. Someone tampered with the car and wanted to hurt my mother!

I doubt I will sleep tonight. Someone wants to kill my mother.

---

August 21, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I didn't sleep that well last night. In fact, I fell out of bed.

Nothing much happened today. I tried to speak with Sarah so she would help me persuade mom or dad to take us to the new Disney movie. Sarah just looked at me and did not respond. This made me sad. I mean we were so close when we were in Greece and now it was as if she was ignoring me.

---

August 22, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Mom was up today and walking around. This made me so happy. It means that things are getting back to normal. Mom even told aunty that she did not need her anymore. This upset Aunty and was quite defiant when she said she was still needed here.

I agreed with mon. I would even help aunty pack!

There was a lot of commotion outside. I ran to the door and could see that Sarah was so excited. She told us that a new family was moving in.

Then I saw her. A girl my age was moving in with an old woman. The girl was like a goddess. I had to remind myself to breathe as I looked at her. I didn't want her to look at me as I probably looked like a lovesick puppy.

The question now is who do I love more, Annie or this new girl?

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

August 23-29, 2015

---

August 23, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today was Choir again at the church. Of course, we came at the last minute, which annoyed the priest. Besides Billy being so slow in the bathroom. It was mom's first time out in public. She had to take her time and take things slowly. I was proud of my mom, she showed so much courage.

I met Annie as we were entering Church. She told me that we could speak after.

There was a strange atmosphere at the choir and the mass itself. The boys were looking at the newspaper. They were giggling and looking at me. I didn't have time to look at it. However, I could see the people at mass looking at the newspaper. Then they would look at me with strange smiles or disapproving ones. Dad and mum were whispering to each other.

When I was changing, I found out what all the commotion was. I looked at the newspaper. It was me dressed as a girl in Greece. I remembered when some man wanted to take a picture of me. He was really a journalist! I wanted to tell the other boys I could explain. But what could I explain? That picture said enough. My life was ruined.

On my way out to the car, everyone was staring at me. Mom held my hand close to protect me. Annie walked by me without saying a word and my arch enemy Noah just gave me some wicked smile. He would no doubt make my life at school hell.

Aunty tried to cheer me up. She said she would be taking Sarah and me to see a film the next day.

---

August 24, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I could not stop thinking about Annie. She most definitely has noticed that I was now alive. She probably thought that I was a sissy and wore dresses when I could. I am sure that if I explained why I had to wear Sarah's clothes, she would understand and think that I was in fact brave for wearing a dress under the circumstances.

How wrong I could be. When I knocked at Annie's door, her mother answered. She looked at me as if I was the most wanted criminal in the country. She snapped at me that Annie did not want to see me. Her mother was happy about this. Both Annie and her mom thought I was a sissy and a bad influence.

As I went home I was holding my head low. I was in tears and thought that my life was over. People would never forget that picture. At the age of 13 years and one month, I would now have the status of being an outcast and a weird boy.

The new girl was hanging outside her new house. She rushed to me and told me her name was Isabella but everyone called her Bella. She lived with her granny.

I stopped crying as I could not help to think that Bella was so pretty. She was just like an angel. It was too late. She noticed that I have been crying so I told her the story. I was sure that she would run away and think that I was a freak.

Bellas reaction shocked me, “I thought the picture was cute. You do look like a girl in it. Not every boy could do that. I think it shows you have the courage and you do look very happy. Even if you wanted to be a girl, no one should make you cry over that. I think you should dress and be what makes you happy.”

I assured Bella that I was not a sissy. She announced in a chirpy voice that she would like to be friends. I could not believe my ears. One of the prettiest girls I ever met wanted to be my friend.

I was on a pink cloud

That night we went to see an old film called Billy Elliot. Basically it's a boy that wants to do ballet and this is hard for others to accept. They all think he was a sissy because he wants to do ballet. The fact is that he just liked doing ballet. He did have a friend who liked dressing as a girl.

I know I will be thinking tonight why Aunty thought it was so important that I have seen that film.

---

August 25, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I was bored today. Sarah did not want to play. She was being strange since we came from Greece. Mom said it was a good time for us to talk.

She admitted that she noticed that I was so sad. I broke down crying and told her that all I ever want is to be a cool teen like anyone else. I wanted Annie to fall in love with me and to do well at school. My plan was to be accepted and liked by everyone.

Being a teenager was hard. Not only was there terrorism and starvation and poverty in the world, people thought that I really wanted to be a girl!

Mom reminded me that people always thought I was a girl. She then looked in my eye and told me that I was never as happy as I was when I was wearing girl clothes in Greece and was a girl while I was there. I was not judged there. Mom asked why I was so happy then... I said that I honestly did not know.

Mom promised me that we would talk again. She was reading a lot about feminine boys.

---

August 26, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today I was to visit the doctor. Mom asked Aunty to take me to the doctor. This was the doctor that caused so much trouble. I started having a tantrum. I didn't have a tantrum like this since I was a toddler. It was a good way to get a lot of frustration out. Aunty told me to stop, as it was upsetting my mom.

So we went to the doctor. The secretary gave me some earphones and told me to listen to some music while I was waiting. This was a nice change. The music was Madonna music, so Dad would have loved it. Still, it passed time.

It was time for me to go in. I was shocked that it was Bella that came out. Why was she at the doctor's? Bella looked red as a rose when she saw me. She looked so embarrassed. I tried saying hello to her, but she held on her granny's hand and walked out.

I noticed that she had such a nice dress. I would love to wear it. Why did I say that?

The doctor called me in and told me that she heard that I had such a good time in Greece where I was allowed to be myself. I wanted to protest, but the words could not get out of my mouth.

“I see the subliminal music is working.” the doctor said. “The patient will think less and accept what others say. The hormone tablets must be continued. Her body needs hormones at the moment. We will help the transition more by giving her two shots. The first is a puberty blocker. This will stop the production of male hormones and stop puberty. The second one is an anti-growth contraction drug. This one is very experimental and not approved. It will stop the patient's growth and in some cases, the patient will become smaller. There are side effects. The patient could experience pain like growing pains, and the patient could we weaker and have problems with coordination.”

Aunty asked if all this war ethical. The doctor laughed and asked was it now she was asking such a question?

I didn't understand a word of what the doctor said. I heard her speaking and I could write everything down. However, it seems all jibberish to me. The only thing I understood was when she stuck me with two needles. They hurt so much that I started crying. I did not even notice when Aunty put a pacifier in my mouth.

I will go to bed now. Dad is delighted that I am listening to Madonna music.

---

August 27, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

School starts in less than a week. I am still wetting the bed. Dad is complaining about how much diapers cost!

Mom and Dad were arguing about me. It was the same argument as they have had the last few times. Dad wanted me to be a boy and stop being so foolish and weird. He warned my mother that I would end up in some madhouse. Mom was saying that I was finding myself. She was trying to convince my dad that he should support me.

Bella and her grandmother came. Bella was very shy which was not like her. She was clutching on to her grandma trying to avoid looking at me. I went to her and told her that I hoped she was well again after being at the doctor's. This made Bella look at me and say that I did not know why she was there. That was a strange thing to say. I was just happy that she was no longer shy and back to her formal self.

Mom told her granny that she asked her over for a reason. She has seen an advertisement that after school, Bellas's grandmother was willing to take care of children. Mom wanted her to take care of Sarah and me. Bella and I were jumping up and down with the joy, We would be together after school!

As Bella went home, I was thinking I should fix my hair so it was pretty like hers. Then I slapped myself. Why was I thinking that?

---

August 28, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Today was a lazy day. Sarah was still acting strange to me and did not want to be with me.

My best friend Andrew came. He talked a lot about the picture of me that was in the newspaper. I told him that I would never be popular or even liked at school. This made Andrew shrug his shoulders and ask why was life about being popular. Why was life not about being happy and kind for oneself and others. Andrew could have some strange thoughts. I doubted that Noah knew what the word kind meant.

Mom spent some time brushing my hair today. I love when she brushed my hair. Mom noticed that I no longer asked to get it cut where I immediately snapped that I did not want it cut. I wanted to look pretty. Then I looked in her eyes and said I did not know why I said that.

Mom sighed and said that I am not a happy child.

---

August 29, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Mom told me that she needed to speak with me.

“ You have been confused and sad lately.” she said, “The doctor thinks you are regressing so you would feel safe as a doctor. You have started wetting the bed. On top of that, it is obvious that you do not know if you are a boy or a girl. I think you do know deep down and cannot accept it, You are fighting against it.”

Despite mom thinking that I was really a girl. She promised me that she would not force me to live as a girl or dress like one. I had to be the one that came and tell her what I wanted.

This means that I am a boy and can continue being one

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

August 30- September 5, 2015

---

August 30, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

While Dad and I were waiting for Billy to finish in the toilet, I told dad that mom and I had a serious talk. We agreed that this summer has been confusing because people thought I wanted to be a sissy. Now, mom told me that no one would pressure me into being someone I wasn't. I assure Dad that I was a boy.

I was hoping that Dad would be proud of me. I didn't expect that he wouldn't hear a word I said. He was in a daydream and suddenly asked me what I said. Luckily mom came and asked did I take the vitamin pill that the doctor gave me.

The choir was a nightmare. The boys asked why I did not wear a dress and some even asked me if I was in the choir to get a boyfriend. They all asked why I didn't cut my hair during the summer. I stood bravely up and told them that even rockstars had long hair.

Just before mass started, mom came up to where the choir was. She took a baby wipe from her handbag and wiped my cheek with the baby wipe. This was one of these times when a mom has done something that could destroy what little reputation I had. I could hear the other boys snickering as she has done this. Do parents not remember what it was like when they were teens?

---

August 31, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

School starts in a few days. I was looking forward to school, but now I wish that the summer holidays would continue until I could repair my image.

I woke up and the diaper was still wet. I got used to the bedwetting and it did not bother me that much, as no one at school would really know. I had no intention of telling anyone.

Mom said I could be a boy, but why was I thinking so much about girl toys and clothes. I started thinking of these things when I got Madonna music from the doctor. Maybe she was trying to brainwash me through the music! I had to smile at this, as the doctor would not hurt me or do something that crazy.

In any case, I will stop listening to the music

I was looking at toddler TV in the afternoon. I do not know why I suddenly was looking at it, but I was engrossed in it. It was like the TV was taking me to another world. I knew I should have seen something in my old age group. Now it was too late. Needless to say. Billy teased me.

---

September 1, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

School starts tomorrow. I am a bit worried about how it will be. Will people tease me that I am small and have long hair? Will they remember the newspaper? I am sure that they would and I wondered if I could be strong enough

The crises of everyone thinking I was a girl at home was over. Mom warned aunty not to try to influence me and to leave me in peace. This did not make aunty happy. Still, she had no choice. Mum had decided that I was to make the decision by myself.

This meant that I can get back to my plan. I had to show everyone that I was a boy. I had to like cool clothes, cool music, and cool films. It would be an extra plus for me if Annie sat next to me in class.

After my bath, I looked in the mirror. I just looked at it wondering why I did not grow. I also wondered why there was no sign of puberty. Why has it not started?

---

September 2, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I do not know where to start. Today was a day I would rather forget. I woke up as usual with a wet diaper when suddenly I got an anxiety attack. I was worried if I would have an accident at school! It took mom some time to calm me down.

When I was about to walk out the door, mom panicked and said that I forgot the vitamin pill.

The day started badly. As soon as I came to school. Noah saw me and asked me did I get smaller during the summer. Then he teased about my hair, saying many girls there will be jealous of my hair. I felt so embarrassed. I remember at the beginning of the summer, I was begging mom for a haircut. Now I did not want it cut

The others started teasing me as well. It didn't help that the picture from the newspaper of me in a dress was hanging on the bulletin boards. I went over to tear it down, but there was a new one hanging up later. Someone surely thought it was fun to do.

I did plan to let Annie sit next to me in class. I gathered all the courage I had and told Annie that she could sit next to me. She looked at me and giggled as she walked past me. I could feel my eyes well up as the love of my life just walked by.

Luckily, Bella came in and seen what happened. Everyone was so shocked when she sat down next to me.

After school, Sarah and I went to Bellas's house. She had a princess bedroom and I do not know why this made me feel jealous. Bella could also see that I had a bad day and understood that I wanted to sit by myself and be alone. Bella and Sarah played together. Bella had great patience with Sarah, especially when Sarah asked Bella if she fancied me.

---

September 3, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

The school was not that much better. I was now being called a princess. People were convinced that I was a sissy. They even asked why I was not wearing a girl's uniform. I did my best to ignore them.

It's true what they say about children. Children can be so cruel to each other. It's like the strong survive and the weak stay at the bottom to be trampled on.

I was once again being taken care of by Bellas's grandmother after school. She was an old woman and could be very funny. She told me that I had an angelic face. Another time, she told me that she did not like boys in the house, but she could see that I was special, so she was glad that I was here!

Bella had everything a girl could wish for, and a wardrobe full of clothes. There was nothing that a boy could play with. So I done homework out in the back yard and then used the swing. I would have to get used to being at this girl's paradise after school-.

Bella joined me and we started talking. Sarah did not like this. She was used to Bella giving her all her time. Bella and I chatted while we were on the swings. She did not understand why I fancied Annie, as Annie was always so mean. I tried to change the subject and said there are lots of pictures of a boy in the house. Bella went white and said that he is family.

Sarah was not happy no one was paying attention to her. She came out and asked Bella how she could fancy me. Then Sarah opened her mouth by announcing that I wore diapers in bed because I wet the bed. There was silence as I was in shock. Luckily mom picked us up.

Bella tried text messaging me several times asking if I was ok? I was too embarrassed to answer her.

---

September 4, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I know three things

It's not my fault I wet the bed. Diapers help.

I hate School. They continue to tease and bully me.

I am also so mad at Sarah. I told her that she was evil. I would never speak with her again or forgive her that she told Bella that I wet the bed.

Bella tried several times at school to speak with me, but what would I say? I was too embarrassed. What would she think of a boy that wore diapers?

I was forced to be at her house. I spent much of the time with her grandmother. Bella had enough. She took my hand and dragged me into her room. Bella told me that it was wrong for Sarah to tell her that I wet the bed. She promised that she would never tell anyone. Then Bella lifted her skirt and showed me the diaper she was wearing. I could not believe my eyes. A girl just lifted her skirt in front of me, and she was wearing a diaper. Bella explained that we had the same problem.

---

September 5, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

No School today!

Aunty was visiting again. We were sitting and playing a game. I was still not speaking with Sarah and doubted that I ever would speak with her.

A policeman and policewoman came to our house asking if aunty was there. They told her that she was under arrest. Sarah held my hand as she was afraid. We all stood there in shock as Aunty was getting handcuffs on.

Aunty was told that she was being arrested for an attempt to murder.

We all were in shock and told the police that there must have been a mistake. Aunty would never murder anyone.

However, she was taken away.

Sarah cried on my shoulder as I told her everything would be fine.

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

September 6 -12, 2015

---

September 6, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Everyone walked around the house as if they were zombies. We said nothing to each other as we got ready for church. We could not believe that Aunty was arrested for attempted murder. It was even on the news. I am sure we all had the same question on our minds. Who was aunty trying to murder?

Maybe this was a sign. Maybe aunty's arrest was to show me that God created me a boy and everything that aunty said was false! I know I was happy and at peace in Greece when I was a girl but since I came back, I have only been confused. Being a sissy does not make you popular. It just makes you look like a freak and an outcast.

While mom was giving me the tablet, I told her that I wanted my hair cut. Mom promised that we can when we visited the doctor. This was September 17. I hoped that there would be no shots.

The choir was the same as usual. I was being teased. This time it was about my aunt being arrested. People sure found out quickly. They were asking did she murder me when I was a boy and did I reincarnate as a sissy?

Bella was waiting for me outside the church, but I did not notice. I tried to speak to Annie. She totally ignored me.

---

September 7, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I woke up today but wanted to go back to sleep. I still wet the bed and was reminded about this when Sarah looked in the door and informed me that I still wore diapers in bed. She asked me what would the school say if she told them. She already told Bella. Sarah had the potential to inform the whole school.

I jumped out of bed and pushed her as hard as I could. I warned her not to tell a soul. Sarah was shocked that I used violence and she shouted that she hated me. That hurt! She got her revenge at breakfast when she said she noticed I was wearing the boy's uniform and said the girls one suited me better.

I know Sarah liked me dressed as a girl, but I decided that I wanted friends. I wanted Annie to notice me. I wanted to be cool. I had to be the boy that God created.

I was of course teased at school. Bella spoke with me and told me not to worry. She liked me the way that I was. I smiled and responded in a loud voice that next week, no one will tease me, as my hair would be cut.

I hoped everyone would hear this.

---

September 8, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Today we got a new teacher. Miss Applewing was a very old woman that had craters as the moon has on her face. She stumped over like the hunchback of Notredame. She was a very stern old woman that gave us a big speech on how she expected the best behavior from us, and she would not expect any diddy daddling or childish behavior. She said her aim was to make us respectable citizens.

The class just stared at this new teacher. I was wondering if she would survive the class because she was so old.

I was the first one to pick on. She asked me if I was a boy or a girl. When I replied that I was a boy, she said that I needed to cut my hair, The world did not need another rock star or hippie. The classmates laughed and Noah explained that I was a sissy.

I ran out of the class as I heard Miss Applewing let out a large sigh.

---

September 9, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I wanted to stay in bed and say I was sick. I also wanted to take the wet diaper off me.

I was surprised that Bella came over so quickly. She said that we could walk to school together. Billy laughed at this and least someone wanted to be with me. He asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend!

Annie was the love of my life. She did not know it yet. Bella was a friend that lived across the street. We share a secret together, She had a bladder problem that meant that she needed a diaper. I needed one when I slept. This was a deep secret we had and I trusted that she would never tell anyone.

Before we went to school. Mom told me to remember my tablet. Bella looked surprised and was shocked. I did not know why she was so shocked at me taking a vitamin pill. Girls could be so strange at times.

On our way to school, Bella asked me why I got those tablets. I told her they were just vitamin pills. Bella did not accept this and said she had the same ones and they were for something else. I smiled and said many tablets are pink and look the same. Bella continued and asked if I got injections. I did not answer that. I did not want to go to the doctor next week and get injections.

Noah shoved me against the wall at school and said, “You may be getting a haircut but that does not mean that you are cool. You will always be a sissy and a wimp. Accept and do not try and be something you never will be.”

I would prove him wrong.

---

September 10, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Nothing much happened at school today, Bella invited me over to her house after school.

We sat at the table eating cake that her mom made, It was here that I noticed that her mother was not as quiet as the other times I visited. She was more demanding and more like a strict mother. She would order Bella to do things and remind Bella how a lady should act. This was different than the times that she seemed so nice.

Bella was also different. She was quiet around her mother. She did not speak without permission and did argue when her mom said something. The interesting thing was that her mom was nice to me, but changed her tone when she spoke with Bella.

Bella was told that she was to change her school uniform. When Bella was doing that, her mom continued to speak to me. She told me that she loved Bella, but she needs direction.

“I know Bella told you she wore diapers,” she said, “ I was surprised at this. The truth is that Bella does not wear them all the time. She wore them as a punishment. I know this sounds strange that a child wears diapers. The thing is that it works. I hope this will not affect your friendship. She is a lovely girl. She does not wear them now.”

This made me think. Why did Bella make me think she wore them all the time? Why was her mother so strict.

Bella came out wearing a frilly dress and white tights. I whispered to her that she was very lucky that she could change her own diaper. Bella quickly changed the subject and said we should do our homework

As we did this, I looked around the room. I really wanted to ask Bella who the boy was In all the pictures.

I suggested that we have a sleepover. It could be at my house or her house. Bella went white and said that she did not like sleepovers and she did not like them. I felt like I upset her and went home.

---

September 11, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Sarah and I have not been speaking with each other all week. Every time I look at her, she would look away. I know I had a right to be mad at her, but at the same time, I missed her. We were always close, and supported each other and made each other smile. There was little I could do. Sarah had to apologize.

The Queen made history today as she now sat on the throne for 63 years. I am sure Queen victoria was spinning in her grave and saying that she is not amused. It made me think, would I make a good a good king? I knew that I would banish Noah!

---

September 12, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Mom and Dad wanted to speak with us today. We sat down as they told us that they spoke with the police and knew more about why Aunty was arrested.

The police have charged aunty with attempted murder. Aunty fooled around with mom's car, so the breaks did not work. This meant that Aunty wanted to murder mom!

I was in shock. Mom was now in tears and I was mad. How can one sister want to kill another sister?

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

September 13-19, 2015

---

September 13, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

I was looking forward to the choir today. I was doing a solo. The priest told me that I had a talent for singing, and I was lucky that my voice did not break. Then he went into a long speech on how sad it is when a voice breaks, saying that it is one of the greatest gifts from God.

The other boys were quiet as we got our robes on. This was until Noah started teasing and saying that I will never get a deep manly voice. He told me that I should just admit that I was a girl and accept my fate. I should have responded, but I did not want to cause a scene.

The time came for me to sing my solo. Then things went wrong. As I was singing, I could feel my legs get cold and wet. I continued to sing until I heard the other boys snickering and the people just looking in shock. Then I realized that I just wet myself! I looked down slightly and could see a small puddle at the bottom of my feet. I do not know how I finished the song.

When I was done, I walked out of the church and waited for my family. Mom rushed out and said that I should not worry. I have a lot of stress, Being a teenager and aunty in jail as well as that picture in the newspaper

How will I survive at school tomorrow?

I got a text from Mrs. Murphy. She wanted my help tomorrow to do some chores. I still do not have enough money for a new phone.

---

September 14, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I was surprised when no one teased me at school. I expected to be a hard day. I mean who wets themselves in Church while everyone can see?

Noah even came up to me and asked me why did I not say I was sick? Then after some silence, he admitted that I had no reason to tell anyone I had a sickness, as everyone was too busy teasing me. He put his arm around me and promised me he would no longer tease me.

I stood there thinking of why I did not tell him I was well. I think it was because I expected something else, I did not expect my greatest enemy to feel sorry for me. I know that I should have been honest and said that I was not sick. I was just too afraid of what would happen when people find out that I wet the bed, and it happened at the choir too!

Miss Murphy just wanted me to lift some boxes that day. After she invited me to have some cookies with a lot of warnings not to spread crumbs. She tried to be calm and told me I seemed to be sad. I told her everything that has been happening to me since I have become a teenager.

Miss Murphy sighed and said, “I blame the media. They have no role models that you can look up to. Your aunt seems like she was manipulating you as well, making you think that there is a reason you look feminine. I am sure cutting your hair will solve that. God created you for a purpose. You are a boy. Trust that he has a plan for you and this plan is for you as a boy. I am sure that when you realize this, you will not be unhappy or confused.”

Mrs. Murphy was right.

---

September 15, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Sarah was still not talking with me.

Today mom had an announcement at breakfast. She said she knew that Aunty was accused of trying to murder her. However, she felt that it was hard to believe. She wanted us to support our aunt this Saturday by visiting her. Billy said there was no way he was visiting her. She was a criminal and tried to kill his mother. Why should he give her the time of the day? Sarah mumbled as she asked if Aunty would be proud of me?

I went to school and was once again surprised that I was not teased. Everyone was so nice and even helped me as if I was dying. I did feel bad that they thought I was very sick. I wanted to be honest with them and say that I was not sick. However, I was not used to the friendliness everyone showed me. I was not ready for things to be the way they were before.

I was not even teased when mom came to the school in a panic and told me that I needed to have that pink tablet. Parents can be so embarrassing. Under normal circumstances, I would be called a mommas boy or something like that. Everyone just looked at me with a sad face. They thought it was a pill because I was dying.

On the way home, Bella talked about how strange parents can be. I like Bella. She does not care what others think of her. She does not care that she has few friends. Bella has a heart of gold. There is some mystery concerning Bella. As we said goodbye, she told me that she wished that I would not cut my hair.

Tonight, I started putting the girl's clothes I had not hidden in a plastic bag. Mrs. Murphey was right. God created me a boy! He had a plan for me.

---

September 16, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today, things got back to normal. Someone from my class spoke with Sarah and told her that it must be so hard that I was very sick. Sarah told them that I was not sick. I wore diapers in bed because I wet the bed. This shocked so many people, as besides being a sissy, I now wet the bed. They also thought that it was so bad of me to lie about being sick.

I should be mad at Sarah. However, she is not to blame. She told the truth. It was me that did something wrong.

I was ignored. Even my best friend Andrew ignored me. After school. Bella told me that she wanted to walk home alone.

When I came home, Mom hugged me and told me she heard about what was happening at school. She sighed and said that the teenage years are so hard. She suggested that I relax and listen to the music that the doctor gave me.

I listened to music thinking I should use this time to finish packing the girl clothes. The music did relax me and I remember what Bella said about not cutting my hair. In a way she was right. It was part of my identity and I liked long hair. I shouldn't care if I looked like a girl. Who decided how a boy and girl should look and act anyway? I was a girl for a few weeks in Greece and I loved it. I was happy and I never was noticed so much. God could have made a mistake and gave me the wrong body! If I was meant to be a girl, should I ignore it?

---

September 17, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today I went to the doctor. She was a bit disappointed in seeing me in boy's clothes. I told her that I packed all my girl clothes and knew that I had a boy's body. I admitted to her that I like being a girl for two weeks in Greece. When I wore girl clothes, no one could see that I was a boy. It was fun to try. However since I came home, things have been very hard. I was bullied at school for being a sissy.

I also told her that everyone was telling me if I was a boy or a girl. This was confusing as I was sure no other boy at the school had to listen to things like this. I just wished people would stop and let me be who I was. If this meant I considered myself a boy, they should accept it and if this meant that I was transgender, they should accept it.

The doctor gave me that shot once again and it hurt! As she was giving it to me, she asked if I wanted my hair cut. I looked at mom and said just a small bit. I still wanted long hair as I liked it. Mom sighed and mumbled something about teenagers.

The doctor told me she could understand the confusion I had and how people were. She reminded me to listen to music she gave me and she would find other ways to help me.

---

September 18, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I was ignored again at school. Even Bella and Andrew ignored me. There were some comments that they could hardly see that my hair was cut. Then they just called it another one of my lies. I hated being called a liar! I knew now that I would never lie again. Would I ever be forgiven?

When I was home, I tried speaking with Sarah. She was still mad at me. She was drawing a picture. I looked at it. It was our family holding hands. The thing was that Sarah drew me as a girl, wearing the same dress she had. Then it hit me like lightning. Sarah liked it when I was her sister. She missed her sister!

---

September 19, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today we visited my aunt. Dad and Brian did not come. I joked to mom that we should take some bread with us with a file inside it. Needless to say, mom did not understand my humor.

Aunty was very quiet and so were we. I guessed that aunty had so much shame that she did not know what to say. What would mom say to a woman that tried to kill her? So we sat there until the time was up.

Mom promised that we would come again. Aunty looked at me and said that she hoped that I would visit her again.

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

September 20-26, 2015

---

September 20, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

I do not know why I was crying in bed all morning, It should have been one of the best days of my life. I did not wet the bed. Yet, here I was crying my head off. It seems that everything was wrong in my life. I had no friends now as Andrew and Bella were ignoring me. My sister was mad at me and Billy thought I was so weird. Even Dad hardly even spoke with me anymore.

Some people are simply not likable. Maybe I am one of them!

The choir was not the same. I half expected the boys to tease me, but they were all silent. I can tell you when you are not popular, at least teasing is some interaction you have with others. However, silence and being ignored is the worse thing anyone can experience.

After prayers, Father Immer told me that he wanted to speak with me.

“I notice the way the other boys are with you” he explained, “You are at an age where a boy needs friends. Teenagers can always be mean to each other. I can see you are special. You are more sensitive and delicate than the other boys. Your singing voice and the fact that you are very small means that you are different. I know this must be a lonely time for you. If you ever need to talk, you should know that I am here.”

As I left, Father Immer told me that it even seemed like I was not growing!

Bella was waiting outside the Church. She told me that she was avoiding me because she found it hard believing that I would lie that I was dying. When I told her the whole story, she understood better. She asked me if we were still friends. I hugged her,

Bella told me that we were alike. The girls at school did not like her either.

---

September 21, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I did not wet the bed for the second day. I rushed down and told mom. She smiled and said that she knew it was only a phase as all the parenting books said the same. Mom also said that I do not need to wear diapers anymore!

I was so happy! I did not have to wear diapers and Bella was once again a friend.

I decided to end the feud with Sarah. When I came home from school, I asked her if she wanted to play dolls. Sarah became so excited and happy. As we played dolls, I told Sarah that we should never hate each other and fight as we did. She was my sister and I would always be there for her. She was more important than any friend that I could have.

Sarah hugged me and said she was sorry for how mean she was. She knew I was a boy, but missed me being her sister. I smiled and told her we should play with the dolls. Once again I was in a fantasy world that made me forget everything else. The dolls became a reality. I felt like all my problems disappeared.

I was sad when mom called us down to supper.

Dad congratulated me during supper about the fact that I did not need diapers anymore. He laughed and said that he was worried for some time, that I was one of the gay drag queens. I did not know what he meant by that, but at least he was now paying attention to me.

Sarah told them as she chomped on her food that she suspected that I would marry soon as she could see that Bella fancied me. That made me laugh so much

---

September 22, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I was no longer a baby wetting the bed and slowly people were forgiving me for the lie about dying. It was about time that I had put my old plan of what I should achieve as a teenager back on plan. I needed to be seen as one of the cool boys. In this way, Annie would finally notice me.
I called it "project teenager".

The school was going better. At least they were not ignoring me. One girl noticed that Sarah was growing fast and I still was 4 ft 7. That did not bother me. I would show them that being cool had nothing to do with my size.

After school, I went to the sheds by the school. This is where the cool boys stood and smoked. At first, they laughed and said that girls are not allowed. Then an older boy called Patrick said that I could stay. He was 16 and to be honest, I never really spoke with him.

Noah was there and started asking me a lot of questions about Andrew. He asked me if Andrew was my best friend. When I admitted that he was, they all asked if Andrew was gay. I did not think and admitted that I thought he could be. Then they all started laughing and started assuming that we were boyfriends. I stood up for myself and told them I fancied a girl.

Noah was not done yet. He asked me if Bella was a girl. Noah spoke with some girls and they thought that Bella was not a girl. This confused me. I shouted that Bella was a girl. I was at her house!

It was dark now behind the shed. I haven't realized that we were there for hours. One boy offered me a cigarette. At first, I said no, but I also knew that I had to show that I was cool. I put it in my mouth and lit it. There was a huge flame. This scared me. I realized that I lit the cigarette on the wrong side. I lit the filter side which poofed up in flames.

The other boys laughed and Patrick said he had to go. He said he lived close to me and we could walk together.

I walked in shame and was so embarrassed. Patrick said nothing until we came to my house. Patrick told me I should want people to like me for who I was. He told me that I was different, and this made me special.

---

September 23, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

The boys teased me at school. Andrew must have heard that I said he was gay, as he pushed me as hard as he could in the school hallway. He shouted that he thought that we were friends.

I was glad to be home. I was depressed because my “project teenager” seemed to be a failure. I could even have lost Andrew as a friend. Annie didn't notice me. Patrick summed it up. I was not like other boys. I was different.

I listened to the music that the shrink gave me. It did calm me down. I had to accept that I was different. This could not bad. At least I was not mean with others and have to work so hard at being popular. Sarah was younger, and she would soon experience the pressure of being popular. Things were much easier when I was a toddler. I was happy and had no problems.

After I listened to the music, I found Sarah that was trying new dresses on. It ended that we both started dressing up in her dresses and clothes. I was surprised how pretty I looked when I saw myself in the mirror wearing clothes. I was also amazed at how happy I felt and the fun Sarah and I had. She was so lucky that she could be a girl.

Our game was interrupted when Dad shouted and told me that I should be ashamed. He ordered me to put my boy clothes on. Sarah defended me by shouting back to leave her sister alone.

---

September 24, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today I woke up crying. I had pains all over my body. I did everything to try and get rid of the pains. I curled myself in a ball and told God that I did not want to die. Mom heard me screaming and crying and said it was growing pains. She gave me a warm bubble bath until the pains subsided.

Swimming was the last class today. After class, I waited outside the school for Bella. It still bothered me that the boys said that she was a boy living as a girl. This could not be true... could it? I mean she is so pretty and she doesn't even act like a boy. The only strange thing was the picture of a boy in her house and the fact that her mother was so dominant.

I also heard two girls that came out before Bella did. One asked “ Why does Bella not shower with us? Why does she use her own shower?”

When Bella came, we talked about normal things.

---

September 25, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I still had pains when I woke up, but they were not that bad.
I was early at school. I sat outside thinking about Bella and how Andrew could forgive me.

Annie came up and sat next to me. My heart was suddenly beating so hard. The girl of my dreams was finally sitting next to me. She was the love of my life! She was .. well you know.

She told me that she likes that I am different. She heard a lot of rumors about me. She did not care if I wore diapers. She did not care if I was a sissy. Annie admired my courage to be who I was. She loved the fact that I did not follow the flock. I will be honest. I thought she would say that she fancied me. This would be the happiest moment In my life.

She did not say this, she said she wished that I was her baby sister.

---

September 26, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today we visited Aunty. Nothing much was said. However, before we went, she told me she wanted to say something to me. She told me that she could see that I was confused and sad. I was silent. She finished by saying not to fight my destiny and remember how happy I was in Greece.

On my way home, I thought about Alberto. He never did write to me. I missed the teddy that he gave me.

When I came home, the neighbor called my mother and me over. His name was Mr. Lewis. He said he was a photographer and did pictures for catalogs. He looked at mom and said that I was unique and very pretty. He wanted me to be in some pictures with a new sports line that was coming out. Mom was informed on how much I would get paid and that she would need to sign a contract.

Mom said she had to think about it. I was a bit confused. Did I look cute enough that someone thought I could be a model? Did I even want to be a model?

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

September 27 - October 3, 2015

---

September 27, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

A few weeks ago, I was being told that I was a sissy. I wore a diaper to bed. I was a sissy baby. Now I did not wear diapers and no one was making me wear dresses. I admit that I still always had a pacifier in my pocket and I put a chair against my bed so I would not fall out.

My life was changing and it had a promising look. Mr. Lewis now wanted me to be a model for him. I knew that some models were very famous and it confused me as to why he wanted me to be a model. However deep down, I knew that I was put on this earth for more than being bullied at school. If I was a model, I could use my fame for people to be aware of hunger, poverty, and injustice in the world. I could really make a change.

I told mom that we should go to the doctors to see why I had pains once in a while. Mom smiled and said that she told me that they were just growing pains.

---

September 28, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I woke up with pains, especially in my legs.

During the lunch break, I was hiding in the school Library reading the newspapers. There was interesting news that scientists have found evidence that there was water on Mars. This means that there could have been life on Mars. This made me think. Did the Marsians destroy their own planet? Could this be a warning for us to take better care of our planet? The newspaper said that there could be a colony of humans on Mars in the future.

After school, Sarah and I were at Bellas house as we usual, Bella was very quiet. I asked her what was the problem. Was her mom mad at her? Bella sat on her bed and told me that she had something important to tell me. I sat on the bed and listened. There was silence. I felt my heartbeat once again. Was Bella about to tell me that she was really a boy and not a girl? It could also be that Sarah was right, and Bella would tell me that she fancied me.

Bella stuttered and was trying to force her words out. Then she snapped and said that she had could not tell me. The excuse was that she thought I was unhappy and confused. She told me that I was lost. Before I could even respond, she said that I kept saying that she lived with her mom. Bella shouted and cried that she was her granny and not her mother. How could I forget that?

That night, I wondered why I forgot such obvious things. How many other things did I forget?

---

September 29, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I asked mom if she would sign the modeling papers. Mom said she was considering it. However, she had second thoughts about it. She told me that children should not work and have stress in that way. A lot of children that worked as models or entertainment had a bad life. She did not want my life to be ruined. She reminded me to look at Micheal Jackson and his childhood.

I did not learn a lot today. I spent most of the time looking at Annie daydreaming and imagining what I would respond to her the day that she admitted her deep love for me. I would probably mess that up by stuttering or saying something totally stupid. This was a cross I had to carry. I loved Annie, but it was only a one-way street. I am sure someday Hollywood would make a film about it.

I listened to the shrinks music when I was home. I started thinking of who I was. Why was I so different than other boys? I put a pacifier in my mouth and figured that being a model would help my life a lot. This led to another question. Why was mom so slow in signing the papers?

---

September 30, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today we were at Bella's house after school as my parents were busy at the police station. They were being questioned about my Aunt. She would be having her trial in a few months. I hope that she was not going to be beheaded or hung.

Sarah was playing with Bella so I decided that this was the time to be a detective. I went around to see if there was any evidence that Bella was a boy. I also wondered what happened to her mother and father? Why was her granny taking care of her? I looked around everywhere I could. I could not see anything that a boy would have. I could not even see a picture of Bellas's parents. I could only see the picture of a boy.

I knew now that Bella was not a boy. It was some mean pupils that spread false rumors about her. How sad!

Bellas's grandmother said that if I was bored, I could help her. She was sewing some clothes and wanted me to try them on. I agreed, not thinking that they would be dresses. I didn't complain. I put them on and stood on a table and let her stick needles in the dress where it needed to be changed. I didn't think about the fact that I once again had a dress on. I was more worried every time she put a needle on the dresses.

I was having a lot of fun, even when Bella and Sarah came out and her Granny asked them if it was hard to see I was a boy? Bella said in a serious voice that I was prettier than most girls at the school.

While I was blushing, I heard Dad come in and asking was anyone home? He stopped in his tracks when he saw me standing on the table in a party dress. He was silent for a few minutes and then told me to get changed as we had to go home. As we walked across the street, he kept on asking me what was wrong with me and he thought the sissy phase was over. Dad did not want me to rant. He just wanted to rant.

As I was going to bed tonight and about to write in this diary, Mom came in and asked why do I always have a chair against my bed. Then she told me that she washed our clothes wrong. So some of my t-shirts and other things were now pink. I started crying. What will I wear tomorrow at school?

I still have tears in my eyes as I am writing this. I found my pacifier.

---

October 1, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Mom found one of my brother's old uniforms, so I was saved from total humiliation. I wore white socks from Sarah. I was an optimist. It could have been far worse. It did not stop the usual teasing from school. Even when I was teased, I had to smile as they did not realize that I was wearing girl socks.

That evening, Mom was doing Sarah's hair. I just stood around and watched as Sarah was getting pigtails. She didn't need her hair done. It was just a mother and daughter thing. I do not know why I stood around. I think that I was jealous.

Then mom told me it was my turn. I did not complain. It was my turn to get attention. As mom was tugging at my hair, she asked if I really wanted to be a model. It would be hard and could mean more teasing. I told mom that it was my wish. I wanted to be cool and then I would have money for a new phone.

When Dad came in and he asked why I had pigtails. Then he picked up a vase and threw it across the room. Sarah screamed and I started crying. Dad told me he was tired of seeing his son act like a girl. He told me to shape up and be like any other boy. Dad said that I shamed him.

I am still crying. Dad came into my room and moved the chair from my bed. He said it's time I acted like a teenager.

---

October 2, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I fell out of bed last night.

When I came home from school, I asked mom if she could measure me. She said she only did that when we had birthdays. I explained that I wanted to know because of the growing pains.

She looked confused after she measured me. Mom said she must have done it wrong, as I was an inch smaller than I was.

This was confusing for both of us but could explain why Sarah now looked a small bit taller than me.

---

October 3, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Finally, it was the weekend. Mom said that she wanted to visit my aunt as they had to have a serious talk together. That suited me, as I thought it was so boring and Aunty would just confuse me.

I wasn't speaking with Dad. I felt bad, but there was a growing feeling of hatred towards him.

The good news was that mom signed the model pictures. I was going to be a model. However, she said the money will not be used on telephones or anything. They would be put in a savings account. She read in one of her parenting books that this was the best thing.

I stormed downtown and looked at the shops. I was mad. I needed a new smartphone to be cool! Mom and Dad were so old fashioned that this would never happen. These thoughts were going through my head all afternoon. As I stood at the bus stop ready to go home, I realized that I had a smartphone in my hand.

I could not believe it! I stole a cell phone!

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

October 4 - 10, 2015

---

October 4, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today Dad said something strange on the way to Church. He said my voice would break and this would solve any insecurity I had. Then he looked at mom and said in a very loud voice it would also stop other people from having strange ideas about who I was. I looked out of the window and said nothing. Sarah took my hand and held it. I think it was her way of supporting me. Mom said that Dad should be more modern. She knew I was a boy and she knew that I was confused. Mom told Dad that the books said parents should be tolerant and let boys explore their feminine side.

Luckily, Billy asked everyone to change the subject and pretend we were a normal family.

It was also strange when I was singing in the choir. I suddenly felt like that I should not be in a church, I stole a cell phone yesterday, It happened when I was not thinking right and I was sorry that I stole it straight away. I was now a sinner and this meant that I would probably end up in hell. I knew that I should confess or do something. I just did not know what to do.

The USA bombed a hospital today. I think it was in Afghanistan. The world is screwed up. Innocent people do understand politics, and yet they die for it.

---

October 5, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I could not sleep very well. I dreamt that the police raided the house and arrested me for stealing the phone. They put me in a dungeon at a huge castle and thrown away the key. There was a dragon on a leash in the corner and he looked quite hungry. This was the fate of someone that stole a telephone. I would be eaten by some dragon.

School went fine, I was teased like I usually was. I tried to be cool and show them my new cell phone. If I was to have nightmares about it, I must also get some benefit from it. If I was going to hell, I had to let people think I was cool. Most just shrugged their shoulders. Others were a bit impressed. Bella did not know what to say except how did I suddenly get something that I spent ages wishing for.

Bella's grandmother noticed that I was not happy. She told me that we needed to speak. She just sat and looked at me. Granny didn't even ask a question and I just broke into tears and told her I was a criminal. Granny said she would tell no one. I had to listen to my guardian angel on what I should do. Then she told me I was too much of a boy and she thought that boys were generally brats. She told me in the olden days, boys were punished by making them wear petticoats and sometimes even tried treating them like a baby. My reaction was to say that this was child abuse. Granny did not listen. She was thinking about the good old days.

On my way home, I thought if Bella was being punished.

---

October 6, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Today was a great day! Despite that, I woke up after dreaming I was going to hell. Everything else was perfect.

Mr. Lewis rang and said the first photoshoot will be this weekend. It would be in his basement. Mom insisted that she would be present, as she read so many stories on Hollywood abusing children. I did not mind that mom would come. I think I would have been very nervous if it was by myself. I wondered what it would be like to be a model. It would replace the picture of me that was in the newspaper that time of me wearing a dress.

A pack also came for me. It was from Alberto, the boy that I met in Greece. It was the teddy bear that he gave me and I forgot about it in Greece. Alberto wrote that he missed me. He hoped that we would meet one day. He did not care if I wore a dress. He wrote that he liked my personality and what was in my soul. He could only imagine that people around me could not understand and asked If I was bullied? He finished by saying the important part of being a teen is not trying to be cool, but finding out who one is and being happy.

The teddybear did not leave my side. I held on to him all day. I even did this when Billy told me to act my age.

---

October 7, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

The rumor that I would be modeling went all over the school. I think this had something to do with Sarah, that could not keep her mouth shut. I did not mind. It was as if I was famous before I actually did something.

I was speaking with Bella when Annie suddenly showed up. Of course, it was as if I was now in heaven when Annie noticed me. She asked if I was going to be famous. I honestly did not know. Annie put on the prettiest smile and said I should hang around with her. I told Annie in the most polite way that I am hanging around with Bella and she is welcome to hang around with us. Annie looked at Bella and told us maybe another day.

Bella smiled at me and thanked me for not forgetting her. She knew how hard it was for me to say no to the girl of my dreams. I thought Annie would never speak to me if she didn't think I was about to be famous.

---

October 8, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

After mom gave me the vitamin pill, she brushed my hair. She told me that she doubted I would be famous and not be disappointed if fame did not happen. She read in one of her books that most that done modeling did not get fame. It should be considered as an experience. Mom added that being famous does not solve problems.

Our teacher Miss Applewing also wanted to speak with me. She told me that she noticed that I was teased and bullied. She suspected that it was my long hair and that I was so small.

“I suspect that you are having an identity crisis,” she said, “ I also suspect that many people have their own views on who you are. Listen to me, there is only one person that can decide who you are. This person is you. I am here if you need someone to talk to.”

---

October 9, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I woke up with pains in my body

After school Bella and I were talking when her granny was taking care of us. I wanted to tell Bella about the cellphone, but the words would not come out.

Then we joked about Miss Applewing, mostly how old and ugly she was and old fashioned. We joked that she still had her Halloween mask on. Then I became serious and said that Miss Applewing was very wise. I said that she spoke with me and knew the problems I had. She did not judge me or tell me how I should be. She said it was up to me and not others. I told Bella that I was happier when I was a girl, but being a boy was easier at the end of the day. People did not judge or tease me when I was a boy or think I was some strange freak.

I gave Bella a hug and told her I knew the rumors that were going around the school that she was really a sissy or transgendered, which is the nicer word. I whispered to Bella that I did not care. We were best friends and it didn't mean anything if we were male or female. She had my support.

Bella laughed and thanked me, but assured me that she was not transgendered.

---

October 10, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

The first photo-shoot came and after baths, brushing my hair, and other hygienic preparations, we went over to Mr. Lewis. I was more excited than on Christmas day! I wondered if I could keep the clothes that I modeled.

Mr. Lewis told us to sit as he had to explain the photoshoot.

“This is no normal photo-shoot,” he said, “ I was asked to take photos that show that children your age still have bladder problems and that there is no shame in wearing diapers. Now I will understand if you do not wish to do this, and even if you do the company may not use your pictures in an ad. I will understand if you want to wait until a new photo-shoot that is more normal. The choice is up to you.”

He left mom and me to discuss it afterward. Mom reminded me that I would mostly be teased if people saw the pictures. However, I thought maybe I can help someone that has to wear them. Maybe I could help them by saying they were not alone and it would get better.

I told Mr. Lewis that we could do the photo-shoot and that we wanted to see the pictures after to decide if they should be used by the company. Mr. Lewis said I was brave.

So for the next few hours, I had a diaper on. The diaper has butterflies on it and the back was pink. It was a girl's diaper! I decided to be professional and did what he told me. Half the shots were with pajamas on, and the other half was just with the diaper. After a while, I forgot all about it. I was playing with the dollhouse Mr. Lewis had. I felt like I was a toddler and it was like my mind was emptied and I could just have fun. I was disappointed when he said that he had enough.

Before we went, he asked us to tell him soon if we did not want the pictures used.

This was not the model experience that I expected. Did I really want to be famous for this?

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

October 11 - 17, 2015

---

October 11, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Everyone asked at choir how did modeling go. I noticed that Noah was very quiet, As my arch enemy, he did not want me to have any success. I did not really want to answer their questions. How was I going to tell them that it was a diaper ad? I would never hear the end of it. I just answered that modeling is not as fun as I thought it was.

Dad was upset since he heard about the photo session. He asked how mom could even allow me to be in diaper pictures. So all the way home, Dad was shouting this and that. He warned mom that she should tell Mr. Lewis not to use the photos. It was obvious that I humiliated dad. It made me think if he loved me.

Billy of course was mad as well. He asked why is everything in this family about me?

The whole day was strange. In the afternoon, mom started crying for no reason. This shocked everyone as it came from the blue.

“What do I do?” she asked herself out loud, “I have a son that does not know who he is and can be a good model, except its not what we expected. I have a daughter that needs me, but I am not there for her? Why? I am having a hard time believing that my sister wants me dead. On top of that, I have a husband that is humiliated by his son. What happened to my life? It's not supposed to be like this.”

No one knew what to say. There was a lot of truth in what mom was talking about. I decided to do my bit and say that I did not want to be in any diaper ad. It would mean that I would be teased and bullied at school, and I simply did not want this to happen.

---

October 12, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

It was time to see the doctor. She gave me the same shots that she usually gave and seemed very disappointed that I was wearing boy clothes. The doctor asked again and again if I was listening to the music she gave me and eating my vitamins. I just nodded my head. After that, she checked my height. This was the first time that I have seen her smile.

We sat down to have a small chat. I hated this part as she always left me more confused than when we started. I told her that I nearly woke up to pains every day. Mom said they were growing pains, but I did not think that I was growing. She just nodded and said the pains will become better. She can give me some pain killers to help. This made me feel a lot better.

She talked about the diaper ad, and I said that I decided not to do it. The doctor just smiled at me and advised me to let my mother decide. She asked why I did not get mad when it was a girl's diaper. She also asked was it so bad that I was having fun and was at peace when I was being a baby? Was I not proud that I would be a role model for the thousands of children that wet the bed? I could tell them that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

The doctor could see that I did not say as much, so she asked mom to wait in the waiting room. Then I was told that everything I said would remain between us.

“I don't know why?” I started, “But when I saw it was a girl's diaper, I asked myself what else would I wear? When I was being a baby, I felt like I was at peace and as happy as I ever was. There were no problems. It made me sad when I had to be me again. Now I have to think of what people at school would say if they knew I was a baby model”

She told me that I said I was a baby and not a diaper model. Then she asked the usual question if I was a girl or not.

“ I try not to think about that. It's mostly when I wake up that I wish I could wear a girl's dress, and play with Sarah's toys. I even have a teddy that I have all the time at home. I even told Bella that I was happiest as a girl. The problem is everyone wants me to be this and that. Dad wants me to be a boy and others think I am transgendered. I am confused and feel split. I feel like I am a big problem in this family, no matter what I do.”

The doctor wrote some notes down. She told me I had to follow my heart. If I thought I was a girl, then suppressing my destiny would do more harm than good. I responded that I am not a girl, I just like being one at times.

Mom was allowed back in. She had one question. She thought that I was becoming shorter and how could this even happen? The doctor said it's something we would have to keep an eye on. Then she looked at mom and said she knew how difficult all this was for her. She gave mom a book to read.

On the way out, I asked the doctor if Bella was transgender. The doctor smiled and said that she could not say why Bella came to her.

---

October 13, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I told Mom that I did not like the doctor.

At school, people were ignoring me as usual. I figured I may as well look cool. So I took out my new cellphone and pretended someone important was speaking with me. Of course, there was no one on the other side. I felt very smart that I could look so important. I didn't think that most of the children here were constantly on their cell phones.

Then the worse thing happened. As Noah was walking by, he looked at me speaking with someone that wasn't really there. He smiled and said I must have a friend. Then the phone rang. It was mom saying I could come straight home, and I didn't have to go to grannies. The problem was that now everyone could see I was pretending to speak on the phone!

When I came home, I went straight to my bedroom and cried and cried. Then I got mad at myself and marched out to the family and threw the teddy from Alberto in the fireplace. In a way, I hoped all my problems would go up in flames as he slowly did.

---

October 14, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I stayed home today pretending that I was sick. In a way, I was as I just murdered my teddy.

Mom came with some hot chocolate and we started talking about normal things. It's strange as my mom is the most insecure mother there is and wants to be so good. She reads and reads and this confuses her more. Mom is the best when she is just herself.

I told her that I was so sorry for everything. Mom smiled and hugged me as we sat on the sofa and advised we forget everything about what gender I am or things like that. We should just sit as mother and child and let those things wait for another day. She added that she did not care if I was transgender or not, she just wanted me to be happy. Her problem was that she did not know what she should do. She did not want people to think I was strange. She looked at a picture of Dad when she said this.

I told her it was not about being transgender. I have accepted that I was feminine and liked it. I told her that I stole the cell phone. Mom smiled and said that she knew that I stole it, and she knew that I would do the right thing.

She also added that I should not tell Dad about it.

---

October 15, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Pains again but the new painkillers help

I told Bella about the cell phone, and she said there was only one answer. I should take it back. Then Andrew cut in and this made me feel very afraid. I told the whole school that he was gay and was unsure if he had forgiven me or not. The only thing that Andrew said was that I could not go back alone, and he would help me take the telephone back. We decided we would do it tomorrow.

That night I wrote a long letter to Alberto. I basically wrote what I told the doctor.

This may be my last entry here. I will surely get arrested and sent to juvie when I take the phone back

---

October 16, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Andrew, Bella, and I went to the shop where I stole the cellphone. We asked to see the manager. It seemed like an eternity while I was waiting. I consoled myself by thinking this was the right thing to do.

When the manager came, I started to open my mouth to admit what I have done. However, Andrew was the one that spoke. He told the manager that he wanted to give his girlfriend the best present ever. Andrew pointed at me and said that he stole the telephone. Bella and I just stood there in shock. Andrew continued and said he knew it was wrong and he wanted to pay for the phone. The manager looked at Andrew as he was told that Andrew would accept any punishment that would be dished out.

The manager looked at me and admitted girlfriends are expensive but worth it. He also said that girls made boys do the craziest things as well as the stupidest. The manager took the money and told Andrew that he was very brave to admit to this. He was sure that Andrew learned his lesson.

As we walked home, I had one big question... WHY?. Andrew smiled and said that was his savings for emergencies. I was his best friend and that made this an emergency. He knew that he used to always hang out with me and now he knew that Bella was my best friend. It took him a long time to accept, but now he had no problem with it. I could pay the money back when I had it.

Bella stooped walking and said that there is no law that you cant have two best friends. There was no law that the three of them could hang out. We gave each other the musketeer handshake. Andrew had tears of happiness.

Then I started laughing and they both asked why. I said that the manager thought I was a girl and that was a nice feeling. It's good that I never cut my hair.

---

October 17, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

I woke up today listening to screaming and yelling: I stumbled out of my bed and went down to see the racket. Dad was screaming in some caveman language. It was hard not to laugh, as it looked very funny. Mom came in and asked him did he have his morning coffee.

“I was enjoying a cup of coffee,” he shouted, “until I saw this ad in the newspaper. Did we not agree that Allie would not be a model? Did I not decide and say that he was not to be a model? Then why is there an ad with Allie in the newspaper with a diaper on?”

I looked at the newspaper and it was true. There was a picture of me playing with a dollhouse. The picture did not show my face and with my long hair and girl diaper, it looked like a girl.

I let mom and dad fight and went to my room. I did not know what to think. Maybe no one would notice it was me.

Sarah came into me. She said nothing except give me a hug. She gave me her favorite porcelain doll and told me that she loves me. The doll was a victorian doll she got and was so pretty.

I hugged the doll still not knowing what to think about the newspaper ad.

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

OCTOBER 18-24, 2015

---

October 18, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

I named the porcelain doll Rosie and promised Sarah that I would also take care of her. I also promised that Sarah could play with her. Sarah could be a strange sister and I knew she wanted me to be her sister. I think she was as confused as my gender identity as myself. Sarah was also a sister that supported me in the best way she knew. Giving up her favourite doll was a huge sacrifice.

No one mentioned the ad at choir, so this made me feel good. I did not know how the diaper ad would make me cool. So as far as I was concerned, the ad was best forgotten.

Annie saw it and came up to me afterwards saying that she could see it was me and it was so brave and cool that I have done the ad. She hugged me and said that she was so proud of me. I just stood there like a statue. This was the first hug that Annie gave me. It was like being on a pink cloud.

Dad was still mad and warned me that my model career was over. He promised that the only way I would be a model was if I cut my hair like any other boy and the ad was for normal clothes. Mom disagreed and told Dad that it was my career. It would my choice.

Sarah and went up to her room and we played with some of her dolls while we could hear our parents fight downstairs.

~o~O~o~

October 19, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today I woke up with sentences like “I should have been a girl.” and “God gave me the wrong body" going through my mind. These sentences repeated and repeated. It has happened before, I just was too embarrassed to write about it. It also was never a problem. It seemed as if it was more annoying than a problem. It did make me think that I liked Sarah's dress yesterday when we were playing, and in a way, I wished I was wearing it.

My project cool was not working. I still got teased and bullied and people thought I was a sissy. I should accept who I am and be proud of it. At least that's what the voices were telling me. The photoshoot did not make me famous and if people could see it was me, my life would have been hell.

I had two friends. One was a girl that was bullied because everyone thought she was transgender and the other one was a boy that was gay. I didn't think about these things when I was with Bella and Andrew. I just thought they were nice and fun to be with. I think that's a lot more than many others had.

~o~O~o~

October 20, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Bella asked me what I will be at the Halloween party. I did not even consider this.

I had bigger problems. My clothes seemed too big. It seemed like my trousers were always slipping down and I looked like I was wearing my father's clothes. I have been noticing this for some time, but never took it seriously. I mean, it's impossible to shrink. Humans get taller and they don't shrink! Yet every day, I seem to get smaller. Sarah looks like my older sister now, because she is taller.

I told my mom that I was getting smaller. She looked a bit worried but tried to tell me the clothes were old and this may appear as if I am getting smaller.

~o~O~o~

October 21, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I got some painkillers when I woke up as well as my vitamin pill.

Mom asked Dad if there was money so I could buy new clothes. Dad said there wasn't. This caused another argument as mom wanted to know why and Dad had no real excuse. I heard mom telling Dad that she was very worried as I was getting smaller. This made Dad laugh and say that was ridiculous.

Mom told me not to go to Bella today. When I came home, she had some new clothes on my bed. She was in tears. She told me that she threw Billy's old clothes out as she read something about not letting children wear hand me downs, as they should have their own identity. She told me that I could wear my old uniform and these were some of Sarah's old clothes. Bella's grandmother also gave me some of Bella's old clothes. Mom promised that she tried to pick those that were most boyish.

I put on a purple top with a unicorn and some jeans with flowers sewn in the legs. I know that I should have been very mad. However, I felt pretty and I was happy.

I asked Sarah if she wanted to play with her dolls.

~o~O~o~

October 22, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

I have never been so happy than I was now. I didn't mind the pains anymore, I didn't mind the voices in the morning. The only thing I wished for was that I was stronger.

However, I was so happy that I was wearing Sarahs and Bellas clothes. Mom promised that she tried to pick the boyish clothes. I can assure you that they were very girlish. I loved that I did not care. I now accepted that I liked dressing as a girl. It made me feel happy. I do not think that I believed I was a girl in a boys body. I just thought that society was wrong at deciding what boys should wear and what girls should wear. Should we just not wear what made us happy?

I have now accepted that I was a sissy. The word sissy did not mean anything negative for me. It was a good word that showed that I was happy and not afraid to show who I was or what I liked.

I wanted to tell the whole world this. However, Mr Lewis called and said that he already had a new photoshoot for me. This would be a normal one for boys clothes. I said straight away that I would. Dad shouted no and that ended with another argument between mom and Dad.

I hid up in Sarah's room and we were drawing pictures while it sounded like there was a world war under us. Sarah asked if Dad did not want me to be happy.

~o~O~o~

October 23, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Mom told me that I was allowed to do the new advertisement. I was smiling. Dad said nothing during all breakfast except ask if it was a nightdress I was wearing. I did not answer and dad just said that this family was like the twilight zone. Sarah tried her best to make things better by asking Dad if he loved me.

He did not answer.

After school, I was at Bella's. She changed her clothes as I stayed in my school uniform. I know that she could see some changes with me, but she would never say what they were. The only thing that she said was that she was getting a lot stronger than me.

Then I told her that we had to speak. I told her that we were best friends and there should be no secrets between us. Then I took a deep breath and told her that I was a sissy. I wore girl clothes at home. I told her that I liked it this way and I was very happy.

Bella laughed and said that she knew as she found some clothes to give to granny. Bella said that she knew I was struggling with this for some time, and she was happy I finally found my identity. I smiled back thinking now that I told her my secret, she would tell me she was transgendered. Bella did not do this.

A huge hurricane hit Central America. It was the most second-most intense hurricane ever recorded. There were winds of 215 mph. That's a lot!

~o~O~o~

October 24, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today mom said that she did not want to go to see my aunt. She didn't have the energy to do so. She was doubting my aunt's innocence.

I told them that I had an important announcement,

“You all know that I have been confused since summer.” I started, “Everyone always thought that I look like a girl and this bothered me. Then everyone thought I was transgendered, and this was hard for me to understand. It didn't help that many were telling me how I should feel and telling me I am a boy or I am transgendered. I just want to let you all know. I am not transgender. I am a sissy. I do not think sissy is a bad word. I think it means that I like my girly side and I like feeling like a girl. I like looking like a girl. I like girl clothes and toys. I also like being a boy. If this makes me a freak, then so be it. I am happy being a sissy and I harm no one. This is what should count”

My family sat there with open mouths, unable to say anything

~o~O~o~

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

October 25-31, 2015

October 25, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

This would be a good week. We had a midterm break and that meant no school. I also now knew my true identity.

I slept well after opening my heart to everyone last night. I think everyone was in shock, which was a surprise, as I do not know how they could be shocked. It's not like that every time someone thought of me in the past, that they thought if I was transgendered or not. Everyone seemed to have their own conclusion. I felt at peace that I made my own conclusion.

I should have suspected that things would not go my way. The usual chaos that we had every Sunday morning did not happen. Billy was not hogging the bathroom and it seemed that no one was up. It was quite strange that I did not have to use the toilet in the back yard as a toilet because my family was in a panic to be ready for Church. Dad told me that he would be driving me to Choir. The family had other things to do.

Noah laughed at me when he saw me at choir. He asked why I was wearing jeans with flowers and a girls jumper. I looked at him and asked what is the law that only girls can wear clothes like this. The boys started teasing until Father Immer came and said its time for mass. Noah did not stop his harassment. He whispered things during mass. I was becoming more and more agitated. When he whispered that I was a sissy for the hundredth time, I lost control. I shouted in a loud voice, “ I admit that I am a sissy”.

The church went silent after they heard this.

After Church, I stood outside as people gave me strange looks. Bella gave me a hug and her Granny said that she admired my courage. Even Annie came up to me and gave me the second hug she ever gave me. She did not say anything else and went back to her family. These were nice people. Everyone else gave me a look as if I had some disease.

In the end, I was left there by myself. I was waiting for Dad to come and drive me home. I sat on a wet bench in the cold rain. I started to think of what Jesus thought of sissies. I started to think of the teasing I would get when I was at school. I was wondering why Annie ignored me until now. Why was she suddenly interested in me? Why did my life have to be so complicated? Why could I not be normal?

An hour after Dad was supposed to come, he finally showed up. He did not say anything in the car. The same happened at home. Everyone was silent. I spent most of the day on my bed with Rosie, the porcelain doll.

~o~O~o~

October 26, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I was woken up today by my mom that said the police wanted to speak with me. I started to have an anxiety attack because I thought they wanted to speak about the mobile phone. I gathered what courage I could and went down to the officers. They asked a lot of questions about my aunt that was in jail accused of trying to murder my mom. I felt a bit awkward that the police was asking me all this. She was my aunt. She was family. I told the police what I knew. I knew nothing about any attempt to kill my mother. I could not understand why any sister would try to kill another sister. The only thing my aunt did was to start confusing me saying that I should have been born a girl. I was happy when the police were finished questioning me. It was funny is that they thought that they were going to question a boy. They did not expect to find a girl. Dad was so quiet.

When the police went, Dad lost his patience. He told mom that the next day she was to buy new boys clothes. He refused to believe that his son wanted to wear girl clothes. He gave his lecture on how immoral it was. It was not normal for a boy to want to wear a dress! Dad was very serious when he said this and warned mom that there was no discussion.

Dad didn't care if I was in tears. He didn't care if Sarah was in tears. He didn't care if mom wanted to discuss it. In fact, he felt proud that he put his foot down.

On top of this he said that as a teacher, he heard that Bella was transgendered and Andrew was gay. According to him, they were a bad influence. He told me that I was not to hang around with them anymore or be friends with them.

I went up to my room thinking that my life was over. I fell asleep crying.

~o~O~o~

October 27, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I woke up with more pains and voices saying that it was OK to like being girly. After Dads laying down the law before, I tried thinking that he was right. No other boy in school was a sissy. It was not normal. I was refusing to be the boy that God wanted me to be.

I tried thinking these things and tried to understand Dad, The thing was that he was wrong! Traditions and customs have dictated that boys and girls should be treated differently. It was a weakness if a boy acted or dressed like a girl. It was a sin if this happened. I did not believe this. I did not choose to be a sissy. It is simply the way I am. If I am not allowed to be who I think I am, it is not respecting me. It's not as if I don't hurt anyone. When I am dressed as a girl and doing girl things, I feel complete and happy. Did Dad care if I was happy?

Mom and I went shopping for boys clothes. It felt like a chore that I had to do and hated. Mom was also quiet. To make it worse, when the salesperson measured me, Mom said it was true. I was not growing. In fact, I was smaller. This was reflected in the clothes that mom bought. They were not for a 13-year-old. I looked like a small boy.

On the way home, Mom told me to cheer up. I said that I hated Dad, Mom did not respond.

~o~O~o~

October 28, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

My girl clothes were taken away today. Dad also wanted to take Rosie, the doll that Sarah gave me. However, I screamed at the top of my voice that he will never get permission to take her. I would fight to the bitter end. I made a promise to Sarah that I would take care of the doll. Dad surrendered by saying I was as dramatic as a drag queen.

Annie came by to visit me which was such a surprise. She did not stay long when she saw that I was dressed like any other boy. When she went, Sarah reminded me that Annie ignored me for years and never was interested in me. Why was she suddenly interested in me?

I stayed in my room all day as I did not want to see Dad. Billy visited me and said it was time for a serious brother talk. In fact, he did not know what to say. He thought all transgenders and sissys were gay, and yet he knew that I loved Annie. He could not figure this out. Billy then went on how things changed in the family. We were once a happy normal family. Since I started to question my identity, the family has become a mess. He reminded me that everything was about me now. Mom and Dad did not even care about the problems that Billy had, because they were too occupied with me.

Billy thought everything was our aunt's fault. I started to wet the bed when she was in the house, and she tried to convince me that I was a girl in the wrong body. Billy did not think that forgetting my suitcase was a mistake. Our aunt wanted me to be a girl. On top of everything, he did not trust the doctor I went to. Billy asked me if I was stupid enough not to ask myself why she wanted me to listen to the music, what were the shots and what was the pill I took every day. He asked me if I really wanted to be a sissy or was I being conditioned?

At any case, he asked me to remember that Sarah and he were also members of the family

~o~O~o~

October 29, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

I thought of what Billy said when Mom gave me the tablet. What was it for?

Today we did the photo session with Mr Lewis. Dad came to make sure it was properly done. This made things less fun as I didn't want to be around him.

The clothes were skater clothes for boys. Mr Lewis said that I had perfect Skaterboy hair. I will admit that for the first time in days I smiled. The photoshoot was an escape. I didn't feel bad in boy clothes, as I was pretending to be someone else. The clothes were also cool. It was like all my worries disappeared when I was pretending to be someone normal.

Mr Lewis thought I did great. Dad said nothing.

~o~O~o~

October 30, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Back to normal on the worse mid-term holiday ever. Once again I stayed in my bedroom. Mom came several times to see how I was and so did Sarah. We had some fun drawing and colouring. Sarah gave me a hug several times to give me some sympathy. She is the best sister that I could have.

I was walking downstairs to say goodnight to everyone when I heard mom ask Dad did he want me to hate him. There was some silence and Dad answered that he was so ashamed of me and humiliated. He reminded mom that he was a teacher at my school and had to hear everything.

I walked back upstairs with tears in my eyes.

~o~O~o~

October 31, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Bella, Andrew and me met secretly in the park today. They both wanted to know why it was a secret. I told them everything that happened this week. I also said that Dad heard that Bella is transgender and Andrew is gay and this makes them a bad influence on me, so I was not allowed to be their friend.

Andrew protested saying I was old enough to decide my own friends.

Bella whimpered that she was not transgendered

I asked what I should do?

~o~O~o~

To be continued

I hope you like this story so far. Please leave a comment

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

November 1-7, 2015

November 1, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

I was confused. It seemed like my life hit rock bottom. It did not help that I woke up hearing the voices once again. I went to the choir as I have usually done. Some of the boys my age voices were changing. Mine seemed to be more high pitched than it ever was. It made the other boys more jealous that I got the solos.

Father Immer most have noticed that I was sad, as he smiled and told me to cheer up after mass when I was changing. All I could do was to ask him where God was. Father Immer looked at me and said that God is doing his best to help, even though it seems that he is not.

At home, I did not speak with Dad. He was so ashamed of me. I felt like he no longer cared. All I knew was that I was not going to have him decide my friends. I was not going to let him decide who I was. I did not want to be like my dad who lacked respect and tolerance.

~o~O~o~

November 2, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

School again and it was hell. Everyone was calling me a sissy and other names. Everyone thought that I was gay and Annie was once again ignoring me.

At lunch, Noah punched me for nothing. I fell to the ground in pain and agony. As I was on the ground, I looked around. Annie just stood there looking while Andrew came and helped me.

The love I had for Annie was shattered.

Something strange happened at dinner. I was lifting a glass of water when suddenly it was like I lost my coordination and the glass fell to the table. Mom helped me clean up. I was so embarrassed.

~o~O~o~

November 3, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

After yesterday, I did not want to go to school. I told mom that I was sick. She told me that I did not have a fever and wanted to know what symptoms I had. I could not answer. Mom gave me a hug and told me that she understood.

It was just mom and me all day. She asked me if I was well enough to bake some cupcakes. So we spent a lot of time doing that. Nothing was said about how bad my life was now. We just worked on the cupcakes. I even began to smile as I forgot all the problems I had. In the end, mom said thank you for helping. Mom said that She always bakes when her brain is confused or when she is tired of life.

I was hiding in my room again when Dad came home. I felt like that he and I should have a conversation to patch things up. However should he not be the one to take the first step? He was the adult and he was supposed to be responsible.

Sarah came in with two princess dresses. She told me lets play princess. So I put the princess dress on and we had a pretend tea party. I asked Sarah if she was ever teased at school. This made Sarah act like an adult and say when mom always brushed her hair when they had a serious talk.

“I don't get teased at school, but I know you do,” she said as she sat like a shrink would, “Sometimes I see it. It hurts me a lot. Some of my friends ask me if you are a sissy or even gay. This hurts me and I nearly cry. They don't see you the way I do. They ask how I can be in the same family?”

I felt so sorry that Sarah had to suffer in a way. She continued telling me that she once said that she wanted me as a sister. That was because I was fun and played with the things she wanted. Now Sarah had a new wish. She knew I would spend time with her no matter if I was a boy or girl. She wished that others would see me the way she has seen me. My eyes watered up when she said that it doesn't make a difference if a person wears a dress or not. It makes a difference in how nice a person was. Sarah may be the youngest in the family, but in a way, she was the wisest

Dad came into my room and saw Sarah and me both wearing princess clothes. He did not say a word. He just stood there staring at me. Then he quietly told Sarah that it was time to eat. He did not say a word to me.

~o~O~o~

November 4, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today I stayed home and was sick again. I think I am in a depression or something like that. Billy peaked in my door and asked was I finished feeling sorry for myself. He could not understand why I could not see that Dad wanted me to be normal and not some misfit. What did Billy know?

During the day, I got bored and went downstairs. Mom was on the sofa reading one of her books. She told me that I could sit next to her. Nothing was said as she brushed my hair. After she was done, I leaned against her. She told me that I could not hide all my life and I should start school tomorrow. I nodded my head even though I would rather stay here for life.

“I know you have a hard time now,” she said, “ I know you are a boy but enjoys looking like a girl. Your dad does not understand this or most of the school. You are lucky that you have friends. I want you to know that I accept you if it makes you happy. I do not know how we can convince Dad to do the same. Some people just do not understand and are very conservative.”

When Dad did come home, he had to speak with me. I thought that he suddenly understand me. However, he did not. The only thing that he said was that it was not a nice scene he had the day before. He could not describe his thoughts on once again seeing his son in a dress! Dad shouted that he did not like it and would not accept it. He told me that he would end this drama now. I would get my hair cut on Monday. Dad warned that it would be short and boyish.

I started crying and told Dad how much I hated him. Then I ran up to my room.

~o~O~o~

November 5, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Mom wanted me to go to school. I was in no mood to be teased again, so I just went to the park and sat on a bench. I watched everyone walk by. I wondered where all the people were going? I wondered what problems they had. How strict were their parents? What did they do to survive? I even looked at all the girls wondering if they were really boys.

I felt so alone.

An old woman sat next to me and tried to cheer me to cheer up. She tried to say I was too young to be burdened with problems. I looked at her and figured what she would know. She was an old woman with small round glasses. She was a bit plump. She looked like Mrs Santa. She even had rosy cheeks.

She looked down at me and said look at the trees, the flowers and the birds. They do not spend their life in tears and worry. They trust that God will take care of them and they show the beauty of Gods creation.

I asked what that meant, and she just said that it does not make a difference if I am transgender or not. God loves me for who I am. She held my hand and said that the important thing in life was being a friend of God, treating others well and being happy.

She was right. I knew what I had to do!

~o~O~o~

November 6, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I met Bella and Andrew at the hiding place and told them that things at home. I told them that things were the same and I felt like I was being discriminated against at home. Andrew mentioned that it was hard being a teen. He feared what his parents would do if he said he was gay.

I told them that I would be running away. I would go to the big city. Bella got very worried and upset and asked how would I survive. I shrugged my shoulder and said that I did not think about that. I could do some work for people or something like that. This made Bella the speech that it was stupid of me to run away. I did not even have some plans. She reminded me that it would devastate my mom.

I got frustrated and mad and told Bella that she was lucky as her grandmother accepted that she is transgender. There was quietness as Bella whispered that she was transgendered. I told her not to lie. This made Andrew plead that we don't get in a fight.

“I am not transgender,” Bella said, “I am sorry I never told you, it's just hard for me to talk about. I am intersex or as some call it hermaphrodite. I have both male and female organs. Do not think that you are the only one that has problems about who you are? This is a common problem with us three. We all really do not know who we are. Running away is not the answer.

I did not know what to say. Intersex? Both sex? There was quietness and I said I would have to go home and pack.

Despite I was confused about Bella, I went to Sarah's bedroom and told her that I would be leaving because I could not stand it anymore. After a lot of crying, Sarah asked who would be her brother as Billy never has time for her. I tried to console her that I would come and get her when I settled in. We could live alone and always be happy. Then I used an hour trying to tell Sarah not to tell anyone.

I sent Bella a text message that I did not think of her as intersex. She was my friend and that is what mattered.

~o~O~o~

November 7, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

I woke up early and noticed that I wet the bed. I figured that it was just the excitement and the fears I had about running away, then I slowly crept to the front door, until I heard a voice say “Wait”

It was Sarah. She had her hands full of clothes. She told me there were dresses, shorts, tights and T-shirts. She promised that they would fit me. I put them in my bag and gave Sarah a hug. She told me not to forget to come to her.

Tears were running down my cheek. I would miss Sarah. However, this was something I had to do. As I walked down the empty street, I could still see the stars. Normally I would still be asleep. I really was afraid and part of me told me to turn around. This was until I saw Bella.

I told Bella that I have made up my mind. There was no way I was going home. Bella smiled and showed me her small bag and told me that she also wants to get away from the people that teased her and her grandmother. She was running away with me.

We walked out of town and went on small roads, not knowing where we would end.

~o~O~o~

To be continued

I hope you like this story so far. Please leave a comment

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

November 8-14, 2015

November 8, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

We slept under a large tree. I should say that we did not sleep. We were cold and hungry. Every time we heard a noise, we thought it was some wolf or monster. We closed our eyes but woke up every 5 minutes with the newest sounds. I must admit that I was happy that Bella was running away with me. I don't think I would have survived the first night if I was alone.

When it was morning, I was very grumpy and was in a horrible mood. I missed my warm bed and something to eat. It was also a day when I was supposed to be singing in the choir. Would they be without me?

One thing that we never thought about was money. Between us, we could buy a bar of chocolate. Bella had a larger piece than me because she was so tall. We did not say that much that day, but walked and walked. My feet were getting more tired and the hunger was killing me. I do not know if you ever tried being hungry before, but it was something a 13-year-old could not get out of his mind. The more I thought about food, the more hungry I was.

Bella was patient with my mood. She reminded me that it was me that wanted to run away.

We found an old empty cottage and decided we would sleep there.

---

November 9, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

I must remember that the next time I run away, it would not be in November where it was cold and wet. Summer would be a much better time to run away. We should also have had more money.
We decided that we needed to eat, so we walked to the nearest town. We only had two choices. We could try to steal some food or we could beg. I did not want to be a criminal so we decided to sit and beg. This went fine for some time and people must have felt sorry for us, as we were getting a lot of coins.

Our luck ran out, as the police came and took us to the police station. We were kept in a room and told that our parents would come and pick us up. I should have been sad and depressed, but to be honest, I missed my warm bed. At least the police gave us food.

While we were waiting, I asked Bella how she was born. She explained that very few people are born hermaphrodite or intersexed. She was born with both a boy part and a female part. Her parents could not deal with a child and that is why her grandmother took care of her. Bella lived as a boy until he was 5. Her granny thought she should have been living as a girl, so Bella was persuaded to try it. Since then she had lived as a girl. She had to move to our school as she was bullied so much because everyone thought that she was a sissy. She knew people at our school thought she was a sissy and then laughed as she asked what would they say if they knew the truth.

I asked her why she had a diaper on once. Bella looked down and said her grandmother could be strange at times and used diapers as a punishment. Some people may think this was child abuse. Then Bella became quiet and said sometimes she likes wearing them as it makes her feel special and safe. I did not say anything but hugged her.

My Mom came and picked us up. She never hugged me so much as she has done then and she stood back and started getting mad at me. Mom was both crying and shouting as she told me how worried she was and asked me how I could be so selfish. I did not get a chance to answer. As mom was on a roll and there was no stopping her.

Nothing was said on the way home. We dropped Bella off at her house. Her grandmother did not look all that happy. After this mom told me that Dad had a hard time accepting my feminine side, but she hoped we would work things out.

When we got home, she told me to go to my room and told the others not to bother me. I needed time alone and I needed sleep.

---

November 10, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I woke up the next morning with Sarah giving me a big hug. She was in tears saying that she never thought she would see me again. I hugged her back and told her that I was back and would never leave her. Of course, Sarah wanted to know every detail. I didn't get a chance to answer as Billy looked in and told me that I should have stayed away. If I have done this, maybe my parents could have noticed that they had other children.

Otherwise, nothing was said. It was like I never left the house. Dad was still not speaking with me.

Annie spoke with me at school. She was excited as she told me that she has seen my last photoshoot. Annie told me that she would like me to visit her when I had time. I could never understand Annie. Sometimes she was like she was my best friend, and other times she didn't even know I was alive. I knew she didn't love me and never would. What did she want? Why was I so addicted to her?

I spoke to Bella at school. She told me that her grandmother was very mad. I found this out when her grandmother was taking care of us after school. She told me that Bella was wearing a diaper as a punishment, and she thought that I should wear one as well. Sarah reminded everyone that I used to wet the bed. What could I do but blush?

---

November 11, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Mom forgave me and so did Bellas grandmother. Billy was his normal angry self thinking that I wanted all the attention.

Dad was still not speaking with me. I tried everything from apologising to telling him that I loved him. He did not even bother. He just looked at the newspaper.

I felt an anxiety attack the more I tried to get Dads attention. Sarah must have noticed this and said that we should draw. We sat in her bedroom and She started colouring. I had no clue what to draw. It was never anything I liked to do. I was hopeless at drawing. Sarah told me to draw unicorns and rainbows. As we were creating our art piece, she told me it was stupid to run away. I could just draw and escape into a land of imagination and fantasy.

Dad came in and looked at Sarah's drawing. He smiled and told her how proud he was. When I tried to show him mine, he glanced at it and sighed.

---

November 12, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Mom gave me the vitamin pills and painkillers because I still had aching muscles. She then measured me and had this worried look on her face. She told Dad that she did not understand why I was not growing. I was getting smaller! This was hard to believe. At this rate, I would end up as a toddler.

At school, Noah shoved me into a wall. He told me it was hard enough to put up with me at school. Now he had seen my pictures all over the place. He did not understand why someone would ever want me as a model, as he thought the new clothes I wore was for a 5-year-old. This just confirmed what I thought of the clothes when mom bought them. No boy my age would ever wear them.

When Bellas grandmother was taking care of us after school, she said she wanted to speak with me. She told me that she knew that I was transgender. I was a boy that did not mind dressing as a girl. I was in tears as I said that Dad would not allow it. At the moment he would not even speak to me.

Bellas grandmother told me that she understood why I ran away. Bella's parents could not understand that she was different. She smiled and told me that the solution was to wear Bellas old clothes when I was here after school. Then I could be a boy at home.

I rushed into Bellas room and picked a pretty denim dress.

---

November 13, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Today was a quiet day. Noah still teased me and Annie ignored me. I was with Bella and Andrew. It was like we were the misfits of the school.

When I came home, dad did not even look at me. I stood in front of him and told him that it was not acceptable that he just ignored me. I told him that I was a boy that had no problem dressing as a girl and doing girl things. This did not make me a bad person or a freak. Even some popstars wore feminine clothes. I asked if he loved me for who I was or who he wanted me to be?

I thought it was a great speech. Dad did not get a chance to answer. Billy stormed out the door saying our family was the most dysfunctional in the world. When the door was slammed, Dad looked at me and asked if I was now happy.

Billy did not come home

---

November 14, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

I hoped to sleep late today as I still had many pains at night. However, I woke up to a lot of commotion.

When I walked down, Dad was pacing back and forth while mom was crying. Sarah was asking again and again what happened.

Mom told me that they were just told that Billy was arrested.

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

November 15-21, 2015

November 15, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Billy was arrested for using drugs. This of course shocked the family. We all now had to cope with the fact that Billy was a drug addict. He was allowed home but had to appear at court in the future. The problem was that Billy was 19 and would be tried as an adult. He could be in jail for a long time! When Billy did come home, he went to his bedroom and shouted that he did not want to speak with anyone. A few hours, he shouted that he was not a drug addict.

Everyone in the choir knew. Besides Noah teasing me that my voice was not broken and my hair was in a ponytail. Now Noah teased that my family were convicts and drug addicts. He even joked that I was on drugs that were making me smaller and a girl. It was hard to concentrate on singing, as I wondered if it was right what mom said, that I was becoming smaller. What were the tablets I got every day and the injections from the doctor?

Father Immer told me that he had to speak with me after. He told me that he heard about Billy and wanted me to stay strong. I broke down into tears and told him everything was my fault. God made me a boy and I liked dressing as a girl and doing girl things. God must have hated me and blamed me for everything that happened in the family. Father Immer rubbed his chin and told me that God loves me. What Billy has done was his responsibility and not my fault. He agreed that I was very girly at times but reminded me the clothes that I wore did not define who I was. God was more interested in my heart and my personality.

At least he did not say I was going to hell. That afternoon I googled about drugs and being a drug addict and the consequences. I decided that it did not look like a good life and I would always say no to drugs.

---

November 16, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today, we did not go to Bella's house after school. Mom said that we needed to have a family meeting.

She started by saying that the family was in a crisis. We all had problems and this had been causing chaos in the family. There was only one solution, and that was for the family to understand each other and support each other. She asked us to think that if there was no love, then what did we have?

Mom started with herself. She admitted that the problems she had with my aunt were consuming her. She did not understand why her sister would try and kill her. Mom also agreed that she has not been the best mother. She was passive at times and very unsure what to do. Mom's confession bought tears to all of us. We told her that we loved her.

Then mom told us all to think about Sarah. She was only 10 years old and she had to deal with family members that had several problems. This could not be easy for a young girl. Mom reminded us that Sarah needed to know that we loved her and had time for her, despite the problems that we had. She promised Sarah that she would do her part by having special mother and daughter days.

Then mom looked at Billy and informed us that Billy was just like Sarah. He was now 19 and this was a hard time for him. Mom had a long talk with Billy and they agreed he would get help to keep away from drugs. Mom did not believe he was an addict, as he only tried them once. She explained that Billy thought that all the attention was about me and he had no one to go to about his problems. I felt sorry for Billy.

I gulped when mom said it was my turn. She told me that she did not care if I was a boy or sissy or transgendered. She reminded me that I will always feel loved and safe at home. She was worried that I would be teased by the school. However, the world does not revolve around me. I had to understand that others had problems. I needed to find my identity and be happy!

Then she looked at Dad and told him to stop being so old-fashioned and childish. She told him that we need a father, not someone who ignores us or gets mad all the time. She warned dad to accept our good sides and bad sides.

I was quite proud of mom and surprised. Does all this mean there is now peace?

---

November 18, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I am so tired of having pains every morning and hearing these voices tell me it is ok to be a girl. I would not complain today. I was doing my best at not being the centre of attention. I did not want to be the reason why this family was breaking up.

I was dressed as a boy when I was at home. The clothes mum bought looked like they were meant for a boy much younger. When I told her I was teased because of this, she said it was because they were jealous. The best time of the day was when Bellas grandmother took care of us after school. I would then dress up as a girl and this made me feel so happy. It was at these times that I felt like I was the true me. Besides that, I looked pretty.

When I got home, there was a letter from Alberto. He was the boy that I met in Greece. He wrote telling me to be brave concerning my identity. He also said it was bad if I pretended that I was something that I was not. He saw the model pictures of me in Greece. He thought that I had a lot of talent. I was surprised that people in Greece could see me.

Dad came in and said that tomorrow he will be home early and we could spend time together. I do not know if this was good news or bad news.

---

November 18, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Mom was in a strange mood today. She was told that Aunty was being released from jail and would not be prosecuted. This was also because mom refused to testify against her sister. This did not stop mom from being upset. She kept asking herself what she should now do.

Dad suddenly was interested in me again. It must have been mums warning. He decided that we should do a mans thing and that was bowling. I will admit right here and now that I was no good at bowling. Dad was close to an expert at it and tried to give me a lot of advice. I thought it was fun until Dad kept on getting mad at me for not being good enough. He did not even think I was trying.

On the way home, he talked about when he was a boy, they all teased a sissy. He did not expect that his son would be like the boy from his childhood. Dad admitted that he thought it was ok for Sarah to dress as a boy. Dad could not accept if a boy dressed as a girl. Dad admitted that it was hard for him to accept this side of me. It was easier to accept that Billy tried drugs. It was difficult for him to accept that we were so different. Dad finished by saying that maybe a haircut would help.

That night in bed, I thought that Dad could be trying his best. Maybe I should cut my hair.

---

November 19, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

On the way to school, I saw Mr Lewis said hello to me. He was my agent. He thought I could be famous. Mr Lewis joked and asked why I was not growing. He thought that I looked smaller. I told him that Dad suggested that I cut my hair and I would probably agree to do it. Mr Lewis stopped smiling.

I was with Andrew and Bella at school. When school was over, I noticed that Andrew left a book. I picked it up so I could give it to Andrew. I noticed a heart with the letters “A loves A” on it. Did this mean Andrew loves Allie? Who did Andrew love? It could also be Annie. I could hear my heart racing fast. I did not know what to do. I decided not to ask Andrew, as I would not like the answer.

After school, Sarah and I were at Bella's grandmother. I dressed in an old petticoat dress. I felt like a princess! Bella could see that there was something wrong with me. I did not want to tell her about Andrews book. I just changed the subject.

Mom came early and didn't say a word when she saw me in a dress.

---

November 20, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I didn't sleep well. Mom did not say a word about finding me in a dress. The school was the same as usual. I didn't say a word to Andrew about the love message in his book.

When I came home, Mom said that we should walk. She hugged me and told me that she noticed I was trying not to be noticed. There was no talk about being a sissy and I even agreed to cut my hair. Now she knew that I was dressing up as a girl at Bella's grandmother. Mom told me that she supported me, and thought it was a good idea. She would say nothing to dad.

---

November 21, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today something excellent has happened. Mr Lewis came over and told us he had good news. There is a series being made for Netflix. They had a boy already set up for the main role, but he has pulled out of the project. The series was about a boy from space that tried to live on Earth. Then Mr Lewis said it would be dumb to cut my hair, as it could help me be remembered.

Dad sighed and said it least it could be trimmed.

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

November 22-28, 2015

November 22, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

At Church, I wanted to tell everyone that I was auditioning for a Netflix series. Maybe they would not tease me or look at me as if I was strange. I decided that this would be a bad thing to do, as I most likely would not get the part and this would give them an excuse for making my life worse. It was hard to concentrate in the choir because I was imagining what it would like to be famous. I was teased a lot now and had very few friends. Would this be worse when the whole world knew me? What would people across the country say when they knew I liked dressing as a girl and acting like a girl?

Dad was also being weird today. In the afternoon he said he wanted to search my room for drugs. He reasoned that my identity crises could have been a result of being a drug addict. I did not get mad as I had nothing to hide in my room. Dad was becoming more and more frustrated as he couldn't find anything. I just sat on my bed as he looked in every corner. Billy walked by and said it was strange that Dad was looking for drugs, and yet he did not mind that mom was giving me a tablet every day and that the doctor gave me injections.

Did Billy hate me or was he worried about me?

---

November 23, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Once again, I woke up with pains and voices in my head.

Annie asked me if I would visit her house on Saturday. I said, of course, I would visit her. Then she ignored me for the rest of the day. I do not know why I had such a crush on Annie and I was confused about what she felt about me. I suppose men have never understood girls, so why should it be different with me?

Miss Appleby wanted to speak with me after class. She wanted to know why I was being teased and why I seemed so confused. I explained that I considered myself a sissy and this meant I liked dressing as a girl and doing the same things that girls do. Miss Appleby was an old woman and this was obvious because she could not understand. She warned me that I was going against Gods plan for me as a boy and I was letting the liberal media influence me. She said that I would have a very bad life and never accepted by others. She finished by sighing that I had so much potential. I looked at her and thought she looked like an old man. Should I even take her seriously?

After school Mom took me to a hairdresser. My hair was now down to my shoulder blades. The hairdresser was an old woman, and she kept on saying that she thought I was a girl and could understand that I wanted to get it cut. It was strange every time she clipped it off. I looked in the mirror as I saw myself change. In the end, it was a page boy hairstyle. I quite liked it. It was not short or long.

When Dad saw it, he was not impressed.

---

November 24, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Turkey shot down a Russian jet today. Both countries are mad at each other. This made me think about what the world would be like if there was a war. If I was a soldier, I would find it hard to kill another person. I never understood the concept of war. A country can invade another country, but they could never invade the people's hearts or loyalty. There was never a winner of a war. It just brings death and unhappiness and fear. I hoped Russia would not go to war over a jet.

Everyone at school noticed that I cut my hair. They teased and said a page style was so old fashioned and it still made me look like a girl. Annie just smiled when she saw it and told me that I looked more like a toddler. I think she meant this as a compliment. I was confused why she would even consider this a compliment. I had to tell mom that I needed clothes for someone my age.

Bella's grandmother thought the hair was cute. However, she preferred it longer. She found a denim dress and Bella, Sarah and I spent the afternoon drawing.

When I came home, Mom was in a strange mood. She even was swearing. She told me that Aunty rang and wanted to come to visit. This made my heart jump a bit as this was the woman who wanted me to be a baby girl. She even tried to kill my mom! I was so relieved when mom said that she had no intention of seeing my aunt. She had decided long ago to disown my aunt. Mom made it very clear, she never wanted to speak with my aunt again.

---

November 25, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today we sent to see the strange doctor. She gave me the injections again and new music that I could listen to.

She asked me a lot about the doll that Sarah gave me. The doctor said that it was no problem if I held the doll at all times. It was good that I cared for the doll and felt responsible for it. The doctor also said that it was good that I was wearing the toddler clothes I had on. She told mom that children nowadays dressed as adults.

I did not get any chance to answer. It was like she just stating the facts. The doctor told mom and me that things will be better. I have changed a lot in the few months that I have seen her. I was now accepting that I could be transgender and I was even looking more feminine. The doctor asked mom if she noticed how long my eyelashes were now.

Mom asked the doctor why I was getting so many pains and why I was getting shorter. A teen like me should be getting taller, and not smaller. The doctor just said my body was adjusting and not to worry about it.

Before we left, she told mom that it was important I got support and encouragement when I doubted my feminine side. The doctor even said that Mom should divorce dad if he continued trying to make me be a boy.

Mom said nothing on the way home in the car.

---

November 26, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today was a big day. I would be auditioning for a lead role in a new Netflix series. I was not at all nervous, as I didn't expect to get it. I considered it an experience. It also meant that I would escape school, so that was also a good thing!

There were 3 people behind a table as I stood in front of them. They first looked at me and asked if I had a portfolio. I showed them my modelling pictures. They mumbled with each other when they were looking at the pictures. The only thing I could hear was a woman saying I had a unique look while a man asked if I was a boy? It was a bit uncomfortable standing there and 3 people talking about me.

Then I had to do some acting. It was as if I have seen an orange for the first time. So I did my best at pretending I never seen an orange. After a few minutes, they said stop and told me the audition was over. They never even say they would call me.

Mr Lewis was drinking tea with mom and dad when I came home. I told them what happened. Then Mr Lewis admitted that it was a long shot. I did not mind. I did not think I was so talented or special.

---

November 27, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

When we were having breakfast, mom said she was speaking with Billy and he had opened her eyes. Next week, I was visiting a new doctor. We had to know if the treatment the crazy doctor gave me was working and the best.

That night we went out to an Indian restaurant to eat as a family. I love spicy food. It was also great for the family. It was a long time since we sat and spoke and there was no drama. Billy was even smiling and Dad was telling jokes. Mom started shedding tears. We all asked her what the problem was. She smiled and said that the most important thing for her was that we were a happy family, that loved and protected each other. We all held hand around the table and we all felt our eyes moisten.

It was an evening I would remember. The only bad thing was when the waitress told Mom and Dad that they had two lovely daughters. Dad scowled when the waitress called me a girl.

---

November 28, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

This was a strange day. I went to visit Annie. She lived in a posh house with the best of everything. It was like entering a french castle. When Annie, answered the door, she immediately called her mom. Her mom looked like a model or film star. She told me that Annie said that I often wet myself, and was I wearing a diaper? Before I could answer, she dragged me inside the bathroom. Annie waited outside, as her mother started putting a diaper on me. I tried to protest and say it was months since I had accidents. Annies mother just smiled and said that she had diapered many a boy before and she did not want me to ruin the furniture

When I came out of the bathroom, Annie smiled and said I was more like myself now. She smiled as she said she could see the top of the diaper over my pants, but that didn't matter, anyone could see how bulky they were even with pants on. I don't think I ever blushed so much. Otherwise, we started playing with Annie's things. I have never seen a girl that had so many toys and hobby things. Sarah would love it here!

Then Annie had a good idea. She thought we should go to the mall. I had my doubts. I still couldn't figure Annie out. Was she interested in me or not. I did not have a say. Before I knew it, we were at a huge small. Annie did not shout to everyone that I was wearing a diaper. She took my hand and we walked around as she was my girlfriend. I quickly forgot all about the diaper and was in seventh heaven.

Then Annie asked me would I do anything for her. I said of course I would. Before I knew it, I was in a jewellery shop with 2 earring studs in my ears. Annie was praising me for how “pretty” I looked. I was in shock and thought this must be a dream.

When I got home, Dad looked at me and threw his coffee cup on the ground asking what happened to my ears?

---

to be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

November 29 - December 5, 2015

November 29, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Everyone noticed my earrings. At choir, some even asked if it meant that I was gay because both ears were pierced. Noah set the tune when he said it was a thing that all sissies do. I shouldn't have considered this an insult. I have admitted that I was a sissy before, but when Noah called me a sissy it was so negative.

I was not so sure about getting my ears pierced. I thought they were pretty and I look forward to buying nice earrings. I could not understand why I let Annie put me in a diaper and even be in public with it. I could not understand why she had such power over me. It should have been me that decided to get my ears pierced. I suppose it would have happened at some stage. The question was if I was becoming submissive. Could I ever say no to Annie? Did I still hope that she would love me?

Dad was very mad at me. He told me that he thought that we had an understanding that I was to be the teenage boy that God intended me to be. He could not deal with a son that wanted to be a girl. When Dad told me that he was ashamed of me, I lost my temper and told him that I hated him. This stunned him and I stormed to my bedroom and hid.

My life was in a mess. Dad was ashamed of me, and most likely did not love me. Annie didn't care about me and treated me like her own doll that she could dress up. I haven't met Bella and Andrew in our secret hiding place for a month because I was sure that Andrew fancied me and I did not know what to say. Could things get any worse?

---

November 30, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

My problems do not even compare with the problems that mother Earth has. All the nations have met in Paris where they are discussing how the climate will change. I don't understand a lot about it, except that the world will be getting warmer and warmer and there will more natural catastrophes if we do not reduce the greenhouse gas emissions that we spit into the air. Decades of overproduction and using things that destroy the earth has caused it. Just typical. Parents screw our lives in every way they can!

Miss Appleby frowned when she has seen the earring studs and told me that I was a disgrace while Bellas grandmother thought they looked very pretty. Bella was not in a good mood as she was teased a lot at school, more than usual. She did warn me about Annie and told me that Annie did not love me.

When we came home, Billy had an announcement to make. He was in drug addict counselling, not because he was a drug addict, but he reckoned that if he could use them once, he could use them again. He also decided that it was time that he would leave home and find someplace where he could live. That meant that he also wanted a job. I thought he had a lot of courage and yet it was sad that Billy would no longer live here.

I told Billy that I would miss him. He retorted by asking how did I have the energy to think of others, as it seemed I only thought of myself. I did not respond but noticed that Dad nodded his head.

---

December 1, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Christmas month! The countdown continues.

I had no school today. Mom took me to a specialist doctor. Mom gave her the music that I listened to, the vitamin pills and other medical records. I was tested over and over again. I hate needles and I hate people prodding my body. The doctor was a nice woman that smiled a lot. Her name was Dr Mary

When she finished testing me, she asked me if I considered myself transgender? Did I think I had the wrong body? I told her that I considered myself a sissy. I liked being a boy but also liked dressing as a girl. I liked doing boy things but also playing with a doll or some girl activity. I told her that my Dad could not accept this. He did not know that I dressed as a girl when I was at Bella's house. As I finished telling my story, I made sure that I was not gay and that I loved Annie.

We were told to come back in a few hours, so mom and I went to eat something. Mom thought I was brave. I admitted that I liked Dr Mary much more than the crazy doctor. The Crazy doctor told me what to think while Dr Mary listened to me.

When we came back, Dr, Mary told us she needed further tests to be sure, but she could tell us what she knew. She warned us that we were not to see the crazy doctor anymore. She was shocked that a fellow doctor could be so unethical and involved in what Doctor Mary considered as child abuse.

The vitamin pills I got were not vitamins. They were female hormones. If I continued to take them, then I would get breasts and my body would be more female. It was the same for the injections. One injection was a puberty blocker, which stopped my male hormones from working. The crazy doctor was giving me a female body!

The second injection was far worse, and Doctor Mary was shocked that I was getting it as it was not approved and would never be approved. She said it was an injection that somehow made me smaller. This caused the pains that I was having, as my body should have been growing and not shrinking. Dr Mary mentioned that It would stunt my growth in the future, so I should not have further injections. Besides all that, it weakened my organs and this could be fatal and cause huge health problems.

Then she said the music was devious and even evil. It had subliminal messages that convinced me that it was ok to be a girl. The subliminal messages told me that I was born in the wrong body. They also told me that I felt safer being a baby and it was ok to act like a baby. Doctor Mary explained that these subliminal messages were very strong and really could screw with my mind.

Mom was pale and told the doctor that I was a normal boy until my aunt started dressing me as a girl on a holiday in Greece. The doctor responded that my aunt could have been brainwashing me or it could have been something deep inside me all the time. We had to deal with me my current mental and physical state. This will take a lot of work and will demand patience and understanding from my parents.

She advised that I continue with the puberty blockers and estrogen until I was sure what I wanted. However, the growth injections and the subliminal messages had to stop. She offered to give me therapy so I would go on the path that I wanted and not what others wanted.

Then she looked at me and said that I needed to be brave. I would have to search deep inside of myself and find my true identity. She did ask me to stop using the word, sissy. She told me that I could be genderfluid, which meant I did not identify with a certain gender. She smiled and told me sissy is a negative word to many and sometimes is used to describe a fetish. I needed to Google what fetish meant.

On the way home, Mom only had one comment, “Wow”

---

December 2, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I still woke up with pains. Mom told Dad everything the doctor said and the only comment Dad had was that the doctor read too much Stephen King.

At school, Andrew asked me why I was ignoring him. I lied and said I have been very busy

When we came home from Bellas, Mom was smiling and said that I got the role in the Netflix series. I nearly fainted and did not believe it. I did not say a word the rest of the day. Could this be true?

Aunty came and wanted to speak. Mom left her in as Dad scowled. Aunty admitted that she tried to make me think I was transgendered. She never did like boys and liked me better as a boy. She also said that she did not think it would so be so easy and maybe she awakened something in me. She was in tears when she admitted that she was possessed by me becoming more babyish and girly.

Aunty then looked at mom and told her that she never wanted to kill her. She was responsible for the accident, but it was done in a crazy state of mind. Aunty told us she was now getting help, and she needed to confess. She hoped that one day that we would forgive her.

---

December 3, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Nothing much happened today. Dad wanted to speak with me. He said this Netflix series could make me famous. It would be a short career if people knew that I was a sissy. Then he smiled and told me not to worry. So many people have been screwing with my mind. He would find a solution.

---

December 4, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

I spoke with Andrew today and apologised that I have been avoiding him because I have seen a heart in his book where it said: “A loves A”. I tried to explain to Andrew that I respected that he was gay, but I did not think that I was gay. He was my best friend and he would also be my best friend. I hoped he would understand that it would never be a gay relationship.

Andrew got mad and told me how could I ever think that this heart meant that he loved me? So many people have a name that starts with A! Andrew told me my biggest problem was not that I liked dresses, it was that I only thought about myself. He shoved me and walked off.

---

December 5, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Mom and Sarah went on a shopping trip today as a mother-daughter day.

This meant I could read the manuscript of the new Netflix series called “Spacey”. It was hard to concentrate. So many things have happened this week. I got this role, Billy wanted to leave home, I went to a new doctor, Dad had a plan to “cure” me and Andrew was mad at me again.

Dad was listening to the news. It got my attention when the newscaster said that the crazy doctor was arrested!

---

To be continued. I hope you will look at my profile and read other stories I have done
https://www.wattpad.com/user/VictoriaTemple7

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

December 6 - 12, 2015

December 6, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

I wonder what life would be like when Billy left home. He would either be in prison or living by himself. In any case, It would mean a lot at home. I would not have to wait and wait to get in the toilet. Dad and I wouldn't have to go out in the cold and find a tree to use as a toilet. It would be sad that Billy would be leaving home despite I knew that he hated me. However, I had to look at the bright side.

The choir was the same as usual. I got the important solos and this made Noah mad. He called me a sissy and asked when was I going to grow. He continued and continued. Usually, I ignored him, but today was different. It was as if he could no longer think of new things to tease about. It was the same old things all the time.

I lost my temper and told him he was just jealous. He was a nobody. He was just jealous of the fact that I was going to sign a contract with Netflix. This got the other boys interested, as I told them that I was supposed to be filming in December, but it was now delayed to January. The other boys forgot all about Noah and wanted more details.

Noah did not believe me. He asked did I sign a contract. I smiled and said it would be signed before we filmed. The other boys then ignored Noah.

When I got home, Billy wanted to talk with me. He said that he talked with his therapist about me. He disliked that I was getting so much attention because I didn't know if I was a boy or girl. The fact that I will be on Netflix just made it harder. Billy sat on my bed and asked me if I could forgive him. He was jealous of me. He was not jealous because I liked dresses, he was jealous because I got all the attention. I forgave Billy.

On his way out, he told me I had to decide if I was a sissy or not. Then be brave enough to be who I wanted and not get the whole world involved. I suppose he was still a small bit jealous.

---

December 7, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

When I came to school, no one was snickering or laughing as they saw me. No one was calling names or asking why I was so small and girly. They smiled at me and said hello when they have seen me. I found out that the rumour that I would be a Hollywood star went all over the school. People no longer looked at me as the weird child at the school. I was a celebrity.

After school, we were at Bellas house as her granny took care of Sarah and me after school. Bella was quiet when I changed from the boy's clothes to a pink overall. The only thing Bella said was to ask if being popular was nice. I tried to converse with her saying that it was fun being at school. Everyone was friendly and no one thought I was strange. This made Bella sigh and tell me the same people teased and bullied me last week.

Bellas grandmother suggested that we write a letter to Santa Clause. Sarah started writing her list. I think that she must have written every toy and outfit in the catalogue. My sister asked to see my list and I tried to explain that I was too old to write to Santa. Sarah smiled and told me not to worry. She wrote a message at the bottom that the letter was also from me.

“PS... Santa, this is also from my brother Allie. I know I only wished girl things, but my brother is cool... he likes being a girl just as much as a boy!”

---

December 8, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Today was very bad. Up to today, only Andrew and I knew that Bella was a hermaphrodite. This all changed today. During the lunch break, Bella was being teased and everyone wanted to know if she was a boy dressed as a sissy. Bella was trying to ignore it all until Andrew told them to stop. He was being a good friend standing up to Bella until he blurted out that she was not transgender. She was a hermaphrodite... a sheboy. The others in class stopped and looked so confused as they had no clue what this meant.

When Bellas granny was taking care of Sarah and me, Bella begged me not to tell her granny what was said. I wanted to say something wise. I told Bella that no one would tease her about the way she was born. They did not even know what it meant. I also asked her not to be angry with Andrew, as he was just trying to help.

Bella wanted to be left alone. It was hard seeing Bella being so quiet and sad. She was always the one that talked a lot and was always an optimist. I wanted to help her but did not what to do.

Tonight Sarah came into my bedroom. She looked sad. She told me she was afraid that I would forget her when I became famous. I told her that this would never happen. Then Sarah smiled and agreed. She told me that it can't happen if she was famous too!

---

December 9, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Bella did not come to school today. I can understand why. I took time off of school when the teasing became impossible. I always considered Bella to be a strong person. She was depressed and afraid in the last few days because people now knew her secret. I was still certain that no one knew what a hermaphrodite was.

A part of me wondered if she was also jealous of my new popularity at school and the fact that I would soon be a Hollywood star. The problem was that I did not know how to deal with a friend that was depressed and sad or had problems. It usually was always me in this position. I will just have to be nice to Bella and support her where I could.

This day will go down in history. I have always fancied Annie and it seemed like that she would never love me back. However today, she asked me if I would be her boyfriend. I nearly fainted on the spot and was quiet. I asked Annie if she was sure. This made her smile and tell me it would be stupid if I said no.

When Bellas granny was taking care of us after school, Bella did not seem sick. She was playing games with Sarah. When I told her the news of Annie, she just sighed. She is probably jealous.

---

December 10, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Everyone at school knew what a hermaphrodite is. Someone took their time to Google it. This meant that Bella was bullied and teased more. They thought she was a freak and it was a disease they could get.

At lunch, I found Bella hiding in the playground. She was crying. I was with Annie and told Annie that I had to help Bella. Annie got annoyed and said that I am popular now. I do not need to be Bella's friend. I went to Bella. Annie was of course mad at me.

I did not know what to say, so I just sat next to Bella and put my arm around her. She kept mumbling that her life was over and why was she born the way she was. I did not know what to say. I told her I was here for her and she was my best friend. Bella smiled for the first time in a week and told me that I was a good listener. I told her that her support helped me when I was in doubt if I was genderfluid, and I wanted to support her the same way. She was not alone!

At dinner, mom told us that she had forgiven Aunty. We all thought that this was strange. Aunty tried to kill mom. How could Mom forgive someone like that? Mom explained that Aunty was her sister and it took a lot of work to hold a grudge against someone. Aunty was getting help from a therapist and she needed her family now. Then Mom looked at us and told us that we decided if we wanted to be forgiven or not.

---

December 11, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Annie was mad at me for helping Bella. I was afraid that she would dump me. This did not happen. Maybe I should be a poet and write a love sonnet for Annie. That seemed to be the romantic thing to do.

I didn't dress in girl clothes at Bella's granny, as Dad was coming to pick me up early. I did notice that Bella was wearing a diaper. I wondered why. I did not tease her. That would be hypocritical as I wore a diaper when I visited Annie the last time. I just pretended that I did not notice it.

Dad took me bowling. It was his idea of making me a man. He was very good at it but it seemed that every time I tried throwing the ball, it hid the sides. Dad had very little patience. He told me to run properly and not like a ballet dance. Then he asked me how hard can it be to hit the target. It should have been fun. However, it was Dad once again trying to change me.

---

December 12, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Two weeks until Christmas and mom decorated our house so it looked like a winter wonderland! I love Christmas and hoped that this Christmas would bring peace to the world. It would be nice if everyone in my family got on well together and that Bella was not bullied.

I had a strange dream. I dreamt that Andrew and I kissed. This was so strange and made me feel afraid. Did my dream mean that I fancied Andrew? Did I think that he was cute? I could not understand the dream. How could I be gay when Annie was my girlfriend?

I looked in the mirror at myself. I was now small for my age. My hair was growing and I could understand if people thought that I looked like a girl. I looked very feminine. I thought about the Netflix film. It could make me famous and that meant lots of girls would fancy me. I would be faithful to Annie. I hoped that fame would not change me.

If I became famous, what would happen when my fans found out that I was a sissy or as the doctor called it... genderfluid. I wonder if they would support me and still be fans.

This was not the most important. Mother Earth was dying. I have seen on the news that the nations of the world promised to reduce CO2 levels. Promising to do something is one thing. I wonder if politicians would do it. It sorta scared me that I would be the generation that will experience our planet become a worse place to live on.

I spent the rest of the day in my room trying to write a poem for Annie.

To be continued
I hope you will comment and like this story.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

December 13 - 19, 2015

December 13, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today after Church, Dad tried to speak with me. He wanted to tell me that the world was a hard place. People judged each other and there was a social hierarchy. The simple fact was that homosexuals did not have a high status. Transgenders did not have a high status. Some even considered it a mental illness. He wanted me to be a son that he was proud of. He was worried that my life would be a hard one and that I would never be respected or accepted if I continued being a sissy.

I responded in a very calm way. I said I was not a sissy. I do not consider myself a boy or girl. I am genderfluid. I have nothing against wearing boys clothes and I had nothing against wearing girl clothes. I knew who I was, and it was up to people to accept it or think I was weird. I could not change what people would think.

Dad lost his patience and told me that I was a boy and he would do his best that I would not be anything else but a boy.

Aunty came for dinner. It was a very awkward situation. Dad refused to sit at the table and the only one that was speaking was mom. I was playing around with my food. I could not understand that we invited a woman that tried to kill my mother. She was also the one that caused me to have such an identity crisis. Now Mom has forgiven her. I could see the others in the family were not ready for this.

Aunty tried her best to speak to us and only mom was answering. When she asked me a question, I ignored her. Sarah was the only one that said what we all was thinking when she asked Aunty if she will try to kill mom again. I had to smile that there was silence after this question where everyone looked down at their food.

---

December 14, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Being Annie's boyfriend was so cool. I was now hanging around with the popular kids. They no longer saw me as a sissy or someone weird. I was Annie's boyfriend and I was about to be on Netflix. I was the local celebrity!

Annie could be bossy and she always spoke to me as I was a baby. She promised that she would tell no one about me wearing a diaper at her house. I do not know why I did not fully trust her. Should I not trust my girlfriend?

There was a huge story in the newspaper today about the mad doctor. It told about her given a boy experimental medicine to make him smaller and weaker and girl hormones. Noah must have read the story because he secretly joked that I was that boy. If he only knew that I was. I was relieved that my name was not in the article. It would have destroyed the new status I had at school.

---

December 15, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Andrew told me at school that he was worried about Bella. She was being bullied more and more. It was now that she needed her friends. He reminded me that she was the one to support us when we were being bullied. Andrew had a point. Since my new status at the school, I was hanging around with Annie and the cool children at school. This meant that Bella was often alone.

After school, when Sarah and I were being taken care of by Bellas granny, I tried to talk with Bella. She said she did not want to talk about it. I left it at that.

I got a letter from Antonio, the boy I met in Greece. He wrote that he had seen me in Teens Idol. Some of the modelling pictures that I took has made me known by some. Antonio was proud of me and at the same time, he hoped that fame would not swell my head. I looked at the teen idol page on the net and could see that I was at number 47! This was hard to believe. I did not consider myself famous. It was strange being on this page.

Am I already famous?

---

December 16, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Bella finally spoke to me after school. We sat in her room and she started crying. She told me that the teasing and bullying were very bad at school. Everyone thought she was a misfit and a freak. They were calling her Frankenstein because of how she was born. I did not know what to say except not to show that it bothered her. Bullies lived on the fact that they could make a person sad or feel inferior. She had to show she was proud of who she was and that bullying did not bother her.

Bella sighed and said that she felt alone at school. It would be better if her friends supported her. She admitted that she missed hanging around with me at school and it was hard seeing me with Annie and the cool kids. I hugged Bella and apologised, and promised that we would hang together at school. This made her feel better.

My hair was getting longer. It was not even down to my neck yet, but it was growing. I liked when mom brushed it. It was nice to relax and she would ask me how things were. I told her that Annie was my girlfriend and my new status at school. I told her I was already on teen-idol. Mom told me to remember to be humble. Fame could give people a swollen head, where they thought they were the centre of everything. She advised me to remember who my real friends are and why are others suddenly being nice to me?

I was not very famous yet. I could walk down the street and most people have not seen me as a model. What would it be like when I was on Netflix. How could I see if people liked me for who I was and not the fact that I was a celebrity?

---

December 17. 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

It was easy to be with Bella today. Our teacher Miss Appleby announced that she did not want Bella or me to be teased because were the mad doctor's patients. How stupid could she be? The others never even suspected it. It meant that they all looked at me thinking what the doctor did with me. Annie supported me by saying it made me cute being so small. There was something odd about the way she said it. She sounded more like a mother than a babysitter.

Everyone else was saying that the mad doctor was making us into small toddlers and changing our bodies and gender. In a way it was right. It was just hard that everyone knew that I was the subject of the mad doctor.

I was in a bad mood all day, feeling sorry for myself. Things were so easy when I was younger. I did not have to worry about how I should look and act. Being younger meant that I was protected and safe. It was a time when my parents were happy and they took care of my every need. I didn't even have to worry about the toilet. A diaper took care of that! Was these thoughts something that the mad doctor put in my mind?

Annie asked me if I would visit her on Saturday. Mr, Lewis said he needed me tomorrow for a photo shoot.

---

December 18. 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Today at school Andrew warned me about Annie. He heard her say that I was so cute because I was small. Andrew was blunt by saying that she was a strange girl. I nearly choked and fainted when he said that she probably wanted me as a baby or toddler. I did not tell him that she insisted that I wore a diaper when I visited her. I could not get a word in as Andrew talked non stop. He asked me did Annie like me or was like a pet.

I am sure that Annie loved me. She accepted that I was different. I did not think I was her pet or her doll.

Mr Lewis wanted to take a photoshoot, but the clothes he picked were something a child would wear and not a teenager. He explained that it was hard to find clothes for me. I put on the clothes that he wanted and posed while I played with cars and blocks. To be honest, it was a long time ago since I played with childish toys. I forgot after it was a photoshoot.

Mt. Lewis told me that there was a webpage now with my photoshoots. He warned me not to let it swell my head and to remember that I was a role model for many that liked my pictures.

---

December 19. 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Mom woke me up and told me that we had to speak. She told me that she knew that Aunty confused me by making me wear a dress when we went to Greece. Aunty wanted me to be a baby girl. She even paid the mad doctor to give me experimental medicine and screw with my mind. Since then, my aunt was getting help and a lot of counselling. She knew that what she has done was wrong. Mom told me that she hoped that I could forgive my aunt.

I did not answer. Should it not be my aunt asking me to forgive her and not my mother?

I went to Annies and the same thing happened as the last time. She was sure that I would have an accident and destroy the furniture. Despite I told Annie that I was 13, I never had accidents. I lost the battle and was in a diaper for the visit. This was something that Annie reminded me about.

Annie told me that I could be 13 years old, but I have not grown up. I was the size of a 9-year-old and I did not care if I was a boy or girl. She smiled as she told me that she felt like an older sister, that knew that deep down, I was still a toddler and did not want to be a teenager. When I tried to protest, she reminded me that no teenager would agree to wear a diaper. Why did I agree on wearing one? On top of that, she said it was a girls diaper.

When I came home, My family were decorating the Christmas tree. They were smiling and singing Christmas songs as they have done it. I helped but I could not stop thinking about Annie and what she said. Did Annie love me or was I just a doll for her?

---

To be continued
I hope you will comment and like this story.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

December 20 - 26, 2015

December 20. 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

It was the school holidays and there was no snow. It would be a better Christmas if we had snow. At least I did not have to go to school.

The choir went well. I got teased a bit about the mad scientist. It was just Noah that was teasing. I think that he could not accept that I was finally in the popular group at school. I knew this was because I was about to be on Netflix and had Annie as a girlfriend. In a way, I did not care. I was popular at last.

After Church, I saw Noah and others pushing and hitting Bella. The adults were too busy talking as Bella was being bullied behind a bush. I could see her looking at me with a plea on her face to help her. I will admit I was afraid to do it. Annie came and told me to let Bella fight her own battles. So I talked with Annie until we went home.

I felt sort of bad that I did not help Bella. But what could I do? I knew that the real reason was that I was afraid. Besides that, it ended up with her granny seeing the bullying and hitting the bullies with her handbag.

At home, Sarah and I were playing with her dollhouse. I was so jealous that she had one. I told her that Annie had one as well. This made Sarah admit that she did not like Annie. I told Sarah that Annie always wants me to wear a diaper when I visit her house. This made Sarah laugh at first. She told me that it was mean of Annie to demand that I wear a diaper. She asked me if I did not see that it was weird?

I changed the subject.

---

December 21, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today I went to Dr Mary. She was much nicer than the mad doctor. I told her that I no longer had the pains and I was happy. I was mostly a boy at home but did play with Sarah's toys. When Bellas granny took care of us after school, I dressed as a girl.

Dr Mary liked my earrings and asked me if I considered myself a boy or a girl. I told her I was both. I liked being a boy, and I liked when I was a girl. Maybe I was just a feminine boy. I was no longer embarrassed that people saw me playing as a girl or dressing one. The doctor smiled and said that the most important thing was that I was happy and proud of who I was. She suggested that I was genderfluid and there was nothing wrong with this.

I told her that Dad could not accept it. The Doctor told me that most Dads wants their sons to be macho. The sad fact is that some will accept who I was and some will not accept it. This being said, I had to be who I was and not let others dictate how I should be. She reminded me that I could be genderfluid. This was a question about my identity that hurt no one.

I trusted the doctor and told her that Annie was my girlfriend. I even told her about the diapers when I visited Annie. The doctor sighed and asked me I should consider if Annie liked me or was I a doll for her. Then she told me most boys would have run from Annie as fast as possible if they were told this. The question was why did I accept wearing a diaper so easily.

In the end, mom and Sarah were called into the office. The doctor recommended that I continue getting blockers and hormones.

After the doctors, we went to the mall for Sarah to visit Santa. I did not want to see Santa or sit on his lap. However Sarah said she was afraid to sit on Santas lap, so I stood by her as Santa asked the usual questions if we were good or bad. I think he was fake, as his beard looked like it was a fake. I couldn't think of anything I wanted except a new phone.

When it was Bellas turn, she whispered in Santas ears.

---

December 22, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

There was still no snow today! At least there was no school.

I was bored and tried to go over to Bellas house. When she saw me, she told me that she no longer considered me a friend and she did not want to see me. I knew it was because I did not help her. I looked the other way while she was bullied. I tried to say I was sorry, but she slammed the door. I am sure she would get over it.

Sarah and I made Christmas presents all afternoon. She could see that I was upset over the fight with Bella. Sarah told me to concentrate on the gifts. She thought that Bella would forgive me. Sarah also thought it was wrong of me to ignore a friend that was in trouble.

The choir has its Christmas concert tonight. I had a solo “Walking in the air.” People must have liked it because I got a standing ovation. The only one that did not clap was Bella. Maybe Bella would like me again when I was on Netflix.

---

December 23, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Aunty was over today. I just sat with the doll that Sarah gave me while Aunty and mom spoke. Aunty was not in the Christmas mood. She knew what she did was the worse thing she could do. She tried to kill my mother as well as send me to a mad doctor that made me smaller and screw with my mind. The experimental drugs the doctor could have killed me. Aunty talked about how people could not forgive her and see how she changed. She understood why but her life has become very lonely.

When mom went to the kitchen to get more coffee, there was silence between Aunty and me. I told Aunty that my present to her would be that I would forgive her. However, if she tried to hurt or change anyone in the family, then I would never forgive her again.

Mom overheard this at the kitchen door and hugged me and told me she was so proud of me. Aunty was in tears, telling me that it was the best Christmas present ever!

---

December 24, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Everyone was busy baking and doing Christmas things. Dad was shopping as he left buying mom a Christmas present at the last minute. He asked me if I wanted to go, but I said no. I had no intention of being at a packed mall was not my idea of fun. When I got married to Annie, I would buy her a present long before Christmas.

I listened to Christmas music on the radio. In a way, I wished that Christmas was over, as I was so tired of listening to “Last Christmas”.

Annie asked me over. I planned to say no to the diaper. I am a bit of a coward, as I ended up in a diaper again at her house. Not only this, but Bella had me in some of her dresses. I hoped her mother would stop us and tell us it was wrong, however her mom seemed to be under Annies control. Annie was one spoiled girl! Her mom was more like a servant than a mother.

It ended that I pretended to be Annie's baby all afternoon. I should have said no and I should have just gone home. However, I felt all the pressure of being a teenager was off me.

When I was going up, Annie told me that her mom was washing my clothes. I had to walk home in a dress and diaper. Luckily I could wear my winter coat. I never even thought about why her mom would wash my clean clothes. I did as Annie commanded. I walked home in a dress.

Luckily Dad was still shopping. Only mom seen me dressed this way. She looked so confused.

---

December 25, 2015
Friday
Dear Diary

Christmas day, and the birthday of Jesus!

Santa bought lots of presents and it was fun seeing everyone smile as they opened theirs. Dad bought mom a golden necklace and Billy got some clothes and a new iPad. There was still hope I would get my new telephone. Sarah got some clothes and a makeup set.

I was the last to open my presents. I was shocked. It was elastics and hair decorations for my hair, a pretty pink denim overall and a karaoke machine. They were not boy presents! They were very girly! I was so happy.

This was until Dad lost his temper and got mad. He did not say a word but went to his bedroom. Mom followed him and we could hear them arguing. The next thing we knew was that Dad stormed out of the house with a suitcase in his hand. Mom told us that Dad was leaving us.

I could see that mom put on a brave face and wanted to make the remaining Christmas a good day. We all have done our best to smile.

---

December 26, 2015
Saturday
Dear Diary

Dad did not come home. I felt as if it was my fault. He left home because the others were now accepting that I was genderfluid.

Bella still did not want to see me.

To be honest, I did not have much time to worry about Dad or Bella. There was a picture of me in the newspaper waking home from Annies in a dress. It wrote that I was expected to sign a contract with Netflix and my mom forced me to be a girl and dress as a girl. The newspaper questioned if I could be a good role model if I became famous. I knew half of it was lies. How could they write about my mom that way? Now everyone in the country has seen me in a dress!

---

To be continued
I hope you will comment and like this story.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

December 27, 2015 - January 2, 2016

December 27, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Christmas is over, and to be honest, it was not the best Christmas. Bella no longer wanted to be friends and Dad left us. Mom put on a strange face and tried to make Christmas as fun as possible. The truth was that she was very sad about him leaving. Moms only wish was that we had a perfect family like the ones on old TV shows. Reality has given her a son that used drugs. A son that was genderfluid, and a dad who would not accept it.

I felt like it was all my fault. I could have helped Bella and I could have been what Dad wanted me to be. It seemed too late. Bella hated me and Dad has left. Being a teenager is hard. I may have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life!

Bella was ignoring me after Church. I tried telling her a joke, but she told me to leave her alone. This made me sort of mad. Did we just not talk about forgiveness in church. I did what any teenager would do. I tried to make Annie jealous by flirting with Annie. I do not know how much this worked, as Annie was more interested in telling her friends how much she must help me.

I left Annie and her friends and waited by the car. I do not think that Annie ever noticed I was gone. Father Immy must have seen me alone and came to me to try and cheer me up by saying that Christmas is a happy time of the year. I shouted so everyone could hear by asking how could I be happy. My friend hates me and my dad left because he did not accept I was genderfluid. There was a sudden silence after this as everyone had their thoughts regarding what I just admitted.

---

December 28, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

Today Billy was at court because he was arrested for using drugs. He was given a fine and community service. Still, he now had a criminal record. It beats that he did not have to go to prison.

In the afternoon, mom came to my bedroom with warm chocolate. I knew what this meant. I have done something wrong. She wanted to talk about the day that I came home in a dress. She thought that we agreed that we agreed to keep it at home and Bellas house. I told her that it was Annie that dressed me that way. She just liked me in a dress and diaper. Mom sighed and asked me does this not remind me of the way Aunty treated me during the summer. Mom knew that I loved Annie, however... Did Annie love me or was she manipulating me? Was I more like a living doll for her?

There was the word again. Doll! Everyone was saying that I was her doll.

I sent Annie a text asking if she loved me.

---

December 29, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Christmas holidays is a time to sleep late. I did not get a chance today. Bella's granny knocked at our door very early and asked if Bella was here. When Mom said no, then her granny said that Bella had run away. Mom told the old woman that she should sit down and have some tea and we should contact the police. Bellas granny was now upset and pointed her finger at me telling me this was all my fault. Then she said that mom would understand that she could no longer take care of us after school.

When Bellas granny went, I hid in my room. She was right. It was my fault. I was not a friend when Bella needed the one the most. When I was being bullied and teased, she was always by my side. When I was confused about what my identity was, she was by my side.

It can only be concluded, I am not a good son as dad left. I am not a good friend because I did not support Bella. Now both have run away.

I am also a bad boyfriend as Annie sent back a message asking how could I ask if she loved me.

---

December 30, 2015
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Billy was happy today. He found a new place to live. He would be moving in a month. He also found a job at Pizza Hut! Another person was leaving me and wanting to be as far away as possible.

Mom was also in a sad mood. Dads intolerance and temper annoyed her, but she missed her. She was planning a new years party for the family. She invited Bellas granny as well. Even though she was having a party, I knew she was doing it for our sake.

I went looking for Bella, but she could be in China by now! I could not find her. She must have been so lonely, afraid, hungry, and sad.

Aunty was visiting when I came home. She was worried about me. Now everyone in the world has seen me in a dress. She wanted to know if I was upset because everyone saw me as a girl. I told her that I was in the newspaper before dressed as a girl. It was the picture taken of me in Greece. I was no longer afraid that the world knew that I liked dresses and looking pretty.

Aunty told me that she manipulated me during the summer in wearing girl clothes and that was wrong of her. She advised me to follow my heart and love the person that I am and be proud of my identity. It made no difference if I was transgendered or not. It was all about being comfortable with who I was and being happy.

---

December 31, 2015
Thursday
Dear Diary

Bella was still missing. Her Granny rang the police and they asked me a lot of questions about why she was missing. Her granny was so mad that Bella was being bullied so much. She asked again me what sort of friend I was.

Bella was always a girl that smiled and was an optimist. I remembered how she would cheer me up when I was confused. I remember how she would smile when I tried on one of her dresses. I remembered how we would laugh and just talk about nothing. I also remembered that she would be at my side when I was being teased and bullied. The happy Bella was replaced by a broken sad girl, that ran away. I had the worse dreams about this. Did she hurt herself? Was someone hurting her?

Sarah came in and asked me how it was going with Annie. I told her that Annie wanted me to visit her on Saturday. This made Sarah sigh and say that I was blind and dumb. Sarah told me it was time to accept the truth. Annie and I did not love each other. My sister thought that I loved Bella and Bella loved me. Sarah asked if I could not see this was true love. This made me smile and laugh. Sisters say the silliest things.

We had a party on the last night of the year. Even though there was a party, it was as if we were all faking that we were having fun. This was until Dad came. Everyone started to cry and we had one big family hug when he came into the room. Dad was back!

Dad told us he was an idiot for leaving. He had a lot to think about when he was in the hotel. He was listening to Madonna songs where she sang about expressing who we were and being proud. She sang about respect and tolerance. Dad had tears in his eyes when he said that he had a son that was now an adult, a son that was more like a daughter and a daughter that was his princess. We were different and that was what made us a good family. He admitted that he was wrong in judging us and wanted us to be someone we were not. Dad asked us if we could ever forgive him.

It was a long family hug!!!

---

January 1, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

2016! I have to remember that when I have to write the year. Writing 2015 is such a habit that I would forget it is now 2016.

The year ended with Dad coming back. Bella was still missing!

I also got a letter from Netflix. They did not want me to sign any contract. They wrote my transgender ways was not the image they wanted and I would be a PR nightmare. This meant that I would never be in any film and I would not be famous. I was shocked when I heard this and told everyone that I did not want to discuss it. I just wanted the whole thing to be forgotten. How would I explain this to Annie and at school?

Mom and Dad came into my room and tried telling me that maybe this was for the best. They told me fame would give me fake friends and no privacy. I needed people to love me for who I was.

---

January 2, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I was supposed to visit Annie today but I decided that I would look for Bella. It was my responsibility to never give up and to search for her until she was found.

I remembered the hiding place that we had and went there. I was so happy to find Bella there. She looked dirty and hungry. She told me that I was the last person that she wanted to see.

I sat down next to her and started crying. I opened my heart and told her it was all my fault. I let her down as a friend because I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be famous and this gave me a bloated head that made me forget who my real friends were. I told Bella that I did not expect her to forgive me, but her Granny missed her and she should go home.

Bella hugged me and told me that I was the “Allie that she knew”. She was worried that being popular and famous would change me and make me think I was the centre of the world.

We made a pact, that we would always remain friends and We would be there for each other in good and bad times. After we agreed on this, Bella started laughing and said it sounded like marriage vows. I was laughing when I told her that Sarah thought that we were in love.

Then it happened. There was silence as we looked at each other. Our heads moved closer together and we kissed!

---

To be continued
I hope you will comment and like this story.
You can also write to me with suggestions on what should happen

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 3-9 , 2016

January 3, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

There was no choir today. Father Immer thought that we deserved rest after Christmas. Everything else was as if it always was. Billy still hogged the toilet. As if staring in the mirror would make him look better. I was not quick enough, as Sarah sneaked in the bathroom afterwards. She was now spending as much time as Billy. Sometimes it would have been better if I was an only child.

Dad and I ended up doing our morning duties at the tree in the backyard. Dad tried to joke saying that it was good I was only a sissy. If I had the body of a girl, I would have had problems “watering the tree.”. I should have corrected him and said that I was not a sissy, I was genderfluid. Dad was trying his best to accept me and to be nice about it. I was sure that in time he could tell the difference between a sissy and someone that was genderfluid.

The church was boring without the choir. Word has got out that I did not get a contract with Netflix. This meant that people either called me names or gave me strange looks. I would no longer be famous, so no one thought I was special anymore. They thought that I was just a weird boy that thought he was a girl. It hurt to be teased, but at least I knew they were being honest

Annie met me after Church. She did not look like she was in a good mood. She spoke in a large voice, asking what sort of boyfriend I was. I chose to be with Bella the other day when Annie wanted me to be with her. I was quiet as I should have been honest telling Annie that I kissed Bella. I was an unfaithful boyfriend. The words would not come out of my mouth. I would tell Annie later.

---

January 4, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I should have been happy. I was now living as a genderfluid teenager. My family finally accepted it and did the friends that mattered. I also accepted it. I was not a girl in a boy's body. I was a boy that could dress in both boy clothes and girl clothes. I could play games that both genders have done. I did not hate pink. I knew that people like my dad thought that I was a sissy. They would learn.

Bella's Grannie did not take care of us. Mom thought that I was old enough to take care of Sarah. My parents said it would teach me responsibility. Sarah loved the idea.

Today Sarah said something strange. She said it was nice to see me so happy. She thought I was happiest when I was dressed as a girl and acted as one. She told me that being happy was the most important thing in the world. Then my sister smiled and said she would be happy if she got good presents on her birthday.

---

January 5, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

It was soon Sarah's birthday. It was hard to believe that my little sister would be 11 years old. She was no longer a little girl. She was nearly a teenager. It made me wish that time could be stopped. We could be happy and not change. Sarah would soon be a teenager and her childhood ways would be replaced by make-up and thinking about boys and being popular. I could not think of a present. I wanted it to be special.

Mom usually brushed my hair before I went to school. I loved when she did this. We used to talk about everything. However today, she said she was feeling unwell. So Sarah put my hair in a ponytail and I put her hair in one. When we looked in the mirror, we started laughing because we looked like twins. Sarah may have been two years younger than me, but she was already taller.

Ar school, I hung around with Bella and Andrew. Annie was still mad at me. It was awkward being with Bella. I kept on thinking about the kiss. She was the first person that I kissed. It should have been Annie. Did this mean that I fancied Bella? Was she my first love? I did not know what to say to Bella. I knew we should talk about the kiss. This did not happen, every time we looked at each other, we blushed.

At home, Sarah was quiet. I tried cheering her up by putting on a similar dress as she had on. This did not work so I said we should play with her dolls. Sarah finally admitted that she was teased about me. Some were calling me a freak and wanted to know if she was also one. They teased her by saying that she must also have been a sissy and not a girl. I hugged her and told her that people could be so mean. Some did not care if their words hurt others. I told Sarah she was the perfect sister that anyone could ever have.

---

January 6, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I was slow at getting out of bed today. There were so many thoughts going through my head. I was now the smallest in my class and even Sarah was taller than me. I had to accept that the mad doctor stunted my growth and wondered if this would affect me for the rest of my life. I tried to think of the advantages of being so small. It was not fun that everyone thought I was about 8 years old. The discussion I had yesterday confirmed to me that you were judged on how you looked and if you were normal. Not many people judged you on how nice you were.

Annie teased Bella today for being a hermaphrodite. Bella was in tears as everyone was laughing at Annies jokes, which were hurtful. I could not deal with how some people were mean to each other. I told Annie to back off and leave Bella alone. Annie just stood there in shock. She was most likely shocked that her boyfriend was against her. I tried telling Annie that bullying was not cool and bullies should be ashamed of themselves. Annie got mad at me and told me that she was not a bully and what sort of boyfriend was I?

I suppose now was not the best time to admit to Annie that I kissed Bella.

---

January 7, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I woke up having a strange dream. I dreamt that Andrew and I were kissing. This is not the first time that I had this dream. Why did I not dream I was kissing Bella or Annie? Why did I dream that I was kissing a boy? Did this mean that deep down, I was gay? Was this why I was genderfluid? I tried not to think if Andrew was cute or not. I did not want to think if any boy was cute.

I bought Annie a gift today. I used all the money that I had. It was a bed light in the shape of a unicorn. I thought it looked pretty and if she did not want it, I would have it.

When we got home from school, we played dress up. So when Dad came home he caught us both wearing dresses. I expected Dad would get mad. Despite that he was pale, he smiled and told me that no one could see that I was a boy. I looked like an adorable girl. We both hugged Dad.

Dad was trying hard to accept who I was. This made things much better for the family. I was no longer the centre of attention. I think that Dad expected that this was a phase I was going through, as he sometimes suggested things or hinted at how I should look more boyish. Today he asked if I wanted to go to the gym as it would make me strong again and I would get abs. I declined the offer.

---

January 8, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Today we were told about an essay competition. You could win a new laptop. I decided that I would join the competition.

I did not see much of Annie this week. She sent me a text message after school that she no longer wanted to be my girlfriend. There we had it. I was on the single market again. Sarah told me that I should not care, as Annie was not good for me. She only wanted me as a boyfriend because she thought I would be famous and when we were together, she treated me as a baby. “Who asks their boyfriend to wear a diaper when he visits them?” she concluded.

Dad heard that I was dumped and told me that Annie most likely wanted me to be more macho. It's hard for a girl to go out with a boy that has nicer hair than she has, and would love to dress in her clothes.

To be honest, I was not sad. It saved me from telling Annie that I kissed another girl. I also doubted that Annie loved me. Sarah was right, she only wanted me because there was a chance that I would be famous and she did dress me as her doll. The big question was if I wanted to be Bella's boyfriend? We did kiss!

---

January 9, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today was Sarah's birthday. She was now 11 years old. I loved her smile and excitement when she opened her presents. At least mom and Dad remembered to buy her presents. She loved the unicorn light that I got her.

When mom was brushing my hair, Dad asked me how long I wanted it. He hinted that it should be cut. I disagreed that it should be cut. I loved having long hair, despite some of it being sometimes in my mouth when I slept.

We had a party for Sarah. It was only my aunt that came. Mom explained that she did not have the energy to have a party with Sarah's friends. Sarah was nice about it and told us that she was with the people that she loved. I thought that it could be because my family was ashamed of me, but then I had to remind myself that everything did not revolve around me.

Mom was tired all day and she told us that she would not be going to Church the next day.

---

To be continued

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 10-16 , 2016

January 10, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

We had choir today. The church is more fun when we could sing as that was something I could look forward to. My voice was not broken yet, so I still had all the good solos. Father Immer was a bit frustrated over the teasing in the choir. He warned everyone to stop teasing me. We sang much better when we sang as a united group of friends. I think it would take a miracle for Noah to be nice.

When I was home, I sat in my bedroom and thought about things. So much has that besides I would never be famous on Netflix. I could still do modelling. I did not care if I was famous. When everyone thought I would be famous, they wanted to be my friends. They didn't want to be my friends now. I did not care. Things were going much better now at home. I was happy! There was no drama or arguments.

In the afternoon, I worked on the essay. I wanted to win a new laptop and my essay would be in the newspaper!

---

January 11, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I did not go to school today as I had to visit Doctor Mary. She gave me the puberty blocker and took a lot of measurements. She sighed as she said that I was not growing and my muscle mass was still declining, which meant that I was getting weaker. I did not think it was such a problem, as I did not plan on getting in any fights. She also said my co-ordination was still bad

Doctor Mary said it was disappointing that I did not get the Netflix contract because the media found out how the mad doctor fooled around with my body. Doctor Mary thought the picture in the newspaper of me in a dress coming home from Annie's house was cute. It looked like the doctor was getting frustrated as she said that it was a shame that Netflix would not take chances with a boy caught in a dress. I listened as she said that I could have been a role model.

I told the doctor that I was not sad about Netflix. I was not even sad that Annie has dumped me. I told her that Dad now was trying his best. Bella and Andrew were good friends. I was happy modelling and in the choir. I do not know if doctor Mary said, she did not like when people put others in boxes or give children titles such as Transgendered, ADHD child and all those categories one can be in. I did not understand a lot of what was being said. I did understand that I should not let the idea of being gender fluid define me. It was only a part of me.

We were finished with the doctor and driving home. I told mom that the doctor was quite distant today, as it seemed as if she was thinking out loud and did not care if we understood her. Mom did not say anything. I noticed that she was pale and sweat was on her forehead. Mom looked like a corpse. I asked if she was feeling well, but she did not answer.

---

January 12, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I wonder if Bella is mad at me. We have not talked since the big kiss. It was as if we did not know what to say to each other. I started to think that the kiss was a mistake, even if it was not planned. The big thing was did the kiss mean we love each other? Did I want Bella to be my girlfriend?

Maybe I was gay! We had school showers today and it was so embarrassing. I could not help but look at the other boys. Then I remembered that Andrew has a heart in his book with the initials “A and A”. I dreamt a few times that Andrew and I kissed. Being a teenager is so hard. Teenagers are confused about their identity and at the same time, society tells us what our identity should be.

At dinner, I spilt my water. This has happened a lot lately. I thought that this was meant that my coordination was bad.

I worked on the essay all night.

---

January 13, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Noah was his usual self today. He teased me that I was in the wrong class. I should be in primary school. He was right in some ways. I was not tall and I bet even some children in primary school was taller than me.

I worked on my essay when I was at home. This was hard, as Sarah wanted me to play some games with her. I tried telling her that I had to do this essay. Sarah did not like this so I promised her that we can do something later. Sarah sulked and sighed. My sister was not born with patience. I worked on my essay once again and I forgot my promise to Sarah

As I was going down to say goodnight to my parents, I heard Dad speaking, “I am trying my best with Allie. I do not get mad when he is in his girl mode. I think he has been brainwashed by his aunt, the media and other things. Even though I am trying, I am worried about him. Does society accept that he is more feminine than masculine? Is it our fault as parents because we do not know what to do? Will he have friends? What about his salvation? Does God approve of sissies, especially if they become gay? The Bible is clear that this is not right.”

I could not sleep that well after what Dad had to say. I did not want my parents to worry about me. I did not hurt anyone. I considered that I had a good heart. I had good parents. There was no need to worry about me

---

January 14, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today was a bad day, just as I was convincing myself that life was perfect. I could not find Bella at lunchtime. I wanted to finally talk about the famous kiss that we had. I looked everywhere. I was distracted when I saw an ambulance at the school. I wished that I was taller, as a group of children were gathered around and I could not see what happened. Then I was told that Bella was taken to the hospital as she was badly beaten up. It was Noah and his friends that had done it. I could not believe it, they beat my best friend up so much, that she had to go to the hospital.

Dad met me after school and said that we should visit the hospital I was afraid that Bella would die. What would my life be like if Bella was dead? I cried on the way to the hospital. I was relieved when we were told at the hospital that Bella was released and was now at home. Dad rang Bella's granny but was told that we should wait a few days until we visited Bella.

I felt as if it was my fault. I should have been there to protect Bella.

---

January 15, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

It was hard being at school all day. Andrew and I were so sad that Bella was bullied so hard that she had to go to the hospital. I did not understand why Noah was expelled, especially when he told me that I could be next. I was now afraid of my life. I usually did not snitch on others or tattletale, but fear made me tell Dad about Noah's threats. After I told dad this, I felt bad as Dad now had more to worry about.

When it was dinner time, there was a sippy cup at my place. I protested and told mom that I did not need it. Mom got mad at me and asked me how many times did I drop my glass this week? I had no answer and could not answer as mom said she was too tired to discuss it. I thought that mom must be having that middle-aged crisis that people talk about.

Mom and Dad were not impressed when I found an old pacifier and used it when we were seeing TV. I told them that if they think I was a baby, then I would use it. My parents did not comment on it. They probably thought that I would get tired of the protest. I used the pacifier all night, as I admit that I liked it. It was relaxing and soothing.

---

January 16, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Billy moved out today so there were boxes all over the place. I wanted to help him move out, but the boxes were too heavy. It was a bit embarrassing that Sarah had no problem lifting them. Billy would now live in a small flat, that was more like a big bedroom. It was what he could afford. I noticed that he lived close enough that mom could still do his washing.

Sarah asked if she could use Billy's old bedroom as a walk-in closet.

I visited Bella in the afternoon. Her face was all swollen and black and blue. She warned me not to make her laugh as it hurt. After some silence, we talked about the kiss. Bella was as confused as me. She told me that she did not want to be my girlfriend, as girlfriends come and go, and she did not like smoochy things. She considered that we were more than girlfriend and boyfriend... we were soulmates. Soulmates were for eternity. I agreed with her. On my way home, I decided that I had to google what a soul mate was

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 17-23 , 2016

January 17, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

According to Google, a soulmate “ is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity. This may involve similarity, love, romance, platonic relationships, comfort, intimacy, sexuality, sexual activity, spirituality, compatibility and trust.” I suppose that defines the relationship Bella and I have. I feel very lucky to know someone like that!

That was about the only good news I had today. Father Immer told me that he was concerned about the choir. Some boys were saying that they did not want me there. They told Father Immer that I was gay and a sissy. The boys thought that I would corrupt them. They did not want me in the choir. Some even threatened to stop if I continued. Father Immer sighed and said the boy's parents were now demanding that I would be kicked out.

Father Immer told me that he knew that I was different. He thought that I should reflect on my choices and pray for guidance. It was also his duty to tell me that God created man and woman, as he did not create transgenders. God made it also clear that being gay was a sin. If I wanted to stay in the choir, I had to be pure of heart.

I was sad all day. This was not what Father Immer said last month. He told me I should be happy. Now that I was happy, he was telling me that I was a sinner. He also called me gay. I did not think that I was gay. I may have had some weird dreams, but no one knew about them. Why would anyone think that I am gay?

Mom could see that I was sad. She told me that tomorrow we would be shopping for dresses and other nice clothes tomorrow. This should have made me smile.

---

January 18, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Bella would not be at school all week. I missed her so much! At least Andrew was at school. I told him about what Father Immer said, and Andrew became upset saying that it seemed to be against the law to be different. This is why he did not want others to know that he was gay. Months ago I told everyone that he was, and since then he had no friends. I felt sorry for Andrew. It also made me think that I was not the only one being bullied. I bet that millions of teens around the world were getting bullied. The world could be so cruel.

Noah did not get expelled for beating up Bella. He was just suspended. This seemed so wrong. Where was there any justice? He should have been thrown into jail and the key is thrown away!

Mom took Sarah and me shopping after school. Sarah wanted clothes that girls her age wore. Now that she was 11, she thought she shouldn't wear clothes a 10-year-old was too young to wear. I wish that I could say the same. Mom found girl clothes for me, but they were clothes and 8 year old would wear. I was now not as tall as Sarah, despite that I was older. Sarah even considered herself my older sister as she told me what would look cute on me. Despite that some of the clothes we got looked very childish, I could also see that they were cute. Maybe I did not think like a teen. I definitely did not want things like bras and high heels. I was too shy to have belly tops.

On the way out of the shop, mom collapsed. We thought that she fainted. There was suddenly a large group around us. Sarah was in tears seeing her mother on the ground. I was very worried. When mom recovered, she was apologising to everyone and made excuses that her sugar levels must have been low. She did say that she thought it was better that we took a taxi home as she did not want to faint as she drove.

Dad complained about the money spent on our clothes. Not a word was said about mom collapsing, as mom made us promise we would not tell Dad. She did not want him to worry. This did not stop me from being worried about what mom.

---

January 19, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Annie spoke to me at school today. She asked me if I missed her and I still loved her. I did not know what to answer, so I told her that I have moved on. I thought it was best that we were to remain friends. She teased me then and said she always knew I had a crush on her. To this, I replied that love must be given and received. Being as brave as I could, I told her that everyone thought that she only wanted to be my girlfriend because I could be famous. I also asked what girlfriend wanted her boyfriend in a diaper and that I was not a doll!

Annie got mad and told me that how would a sissy like me know what love was? I never lost my cool, but I did when she started saying this. I blurted that I kissed Bella and Bella knew how to respect and love others. Annie stormed off and told me that I would regret the day that I kissed Bella

Annie was right in one thing... what do teens know about love?

---

January 20, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I hate the school! Today was a very bad day. Annie told me that she would get revenge and I must admit that she kept her promise. I did not know this at first. Everyone was snickering while pointing at me and laughing. What was different than any other day? The other children were calling me a sissy and also a baby. This was nothing new. Despite that Noah was suspended, everything seemed the same.

Then I found out what the problem was. Annie showed everyone a picture of me at her house wearing a dress. The dress clearly showed that I was wearing a diaper. After I heard about this, I hid behind the bike shed. I think that I spent the rest of the day crying and feeling sorry for myself.

Andrew found me and for a while, we were just sitting and not saying a word. I finally whimpered that my life is ruined.

“How can it be ruined?” Andrew asked, “You have been teased because of this for the last half of a year. There was a picture of you in a dress when you were in Greece and a picture of you in the newspaper a month ago. People here do not know you. They are idiots because they do not take time to get to know the kind person in the pictures. You are my best friend and always will be.”

I smiled thinking I had something many others did not have. I had a genuine friend!

---

January 21, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Not much happened today. Billy visited us with his dirty clothes to be washed. He was nice for once and didn't complain about everything. He even said that he missed us. I was wearing an overall dress and tights, and he did not even comment on that. I stand corrected, Billy did say that he missed his two sisters. I was shocked. He called me his sister and he meant it in a kind way.

Mom was in bed. She did not even have the energy to be with us. Dad was telling her that she should go and see the doctor. It was very clear that she was very sick. Mom was being brave and told us not to worry.

---

January 22, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Dad wanted to have a serious talk with me today. He started by telling me that life was not easy for me. I was finding my true identity. An identity, not even he understood. To make things worse, pictures of me in a dress has been in the newspaper several times and he heard about the picture circulating in the school yesterday. Dad told me that I needed space and privacy to find my own identity. I did not need publicity and the whole world judging me. Then dad dropped the bomb. He told me that in order to give me privacy, he told Mr Lewis that I would not be modelling anymore.

I did not know if I should be mad or not. I did not protest because I knew that Dad was worried about me and my mother. Dad never wanted me to model. Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed privacy and not be judged everywhere.

---

January 23, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Aunty moved in today as she did a half year ago. Despite that she tried to kill mom that time and treated me like a baby girl, Mom asked her once again to take care of us. I was afraid of what this meant. How could my parents trust aunty? What would she do to this family this time?

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 24-30 , 2016

January 24, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Ýou would think that it would be easier to use the toilet in the morning now that Billy left home. This was not the case. Dad and I had to wait for Sarah. It was as if she needed more and more time getting ready. Even when she was finished, Aunty would help Sarah look good by doing her hair. Dad tried to joke and tell me I was lucky when I wet the bed months ago, as I did not have to wait. This joke surprised me somewhat. I expected Aunty to say something like that. I suppose Dad was still trying to be nice and understanding.

The choir was a bit hard today at Church. I remembered what Father Immer had said. The others were afraid that I would corrupt them. What did they think, that I would convince them all that they were genderfluid? The fact is that no one understood what genderfluid meant. They did not understand I could identify myself one day as a boy and a girl another day. I do not know why they were afraid. I would not try and make them the same and I would not hurt them. I did not want to leave the choir. Singing was one of the things that I was good at. I wanted to be friends with everyone in the choir, and I will be honest, it hurt me when they did not want me.

Mom was admitted to the hospital today. We knew that she was sick for ages. The good thing was now she could get better at the hospital. This meant that aunty was taking care of us. I wondered how she would change my life this time.

---

January 25, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

It seems like everyone in my life is getting sick. Mom is in the hospital and now I heard that Bella would not be coming back to school for a full week. I missed Bella and it was harder being without her at school. At least I had Andrew, although he was teased just as much as I was.

After school, Andrew and I visited Bella. She looked great and she seemed very happy. It did seem that she did not want to go back to school. In a way, I could understand this. She would be so afraid if she went back to school. She did not want to be beaten up again. Andrew commented on how evil some can be. They attacked Bella over the way she was born. They attacked her for something that was not her fault. We decided we would not talk about bad things, but things that made us happy. We ended up laughing and joking. It was just like old times.

When I went home. Dad told me that he visited mom. She would like us to visit her in a few days. Dad told us she was fine, and the doctors and nurses were doing a great job. Mom was having lots of tests, so they knew what was wrong with her.

Then Dad wanted to have a serious talk with me. He is a teacher at my school so he hears a lot. Now the teachers are even talking about me. He said once again that he is trying to accept my identity, but I also have to make compromises. So he suggested a deal that I would have girl time at home and when I am not home, I would be a boy. He did not want me wearing girl clothes outside the house or having my hair styled in a feminine way. He did not want me to wear feminine earrings. He wanted everyone to think I was a boy! He finished by saying that he did not want me to act gay.

I agreed because I had to try as much as Dad. I did not mind being a boy as long as I could express my girl side. As for being gay, I did not want to be gay. I was convinced that I liked girls.

---

January 26, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Mom had probably forgotten to tell Aunty that I used a sippy cup, as aunty gave me a normal glass

Aunty and I talked after dinner. She admitted it was hard being here after the troubles she caused the last time. She asked me if I meant it when I forgave her for treating me like a baby girl. I nodded and admitted that I now considered myself genderfluid. When I dressed or acted like a girl, I felt like a girl. Aunty may have in a way forced me to be a girl in Greece, but now it was my choice. In a way, I should thank her for opening my eyes and helping me realize who I was.

I told her that one thing was confusing. Why did she make me wear diapers and treat me like a baby? Aunty was silent and then explained that she could see something fragile about me. It was as if I was not ready to be a teenager. It was as if I did not feel wanted or loved or secure. Being treated like a baby made me happier in some way. She explained when she saw me happier and feeling more loved and secure, it was something that made her treat me more like a baby.

Aunty explained that some teens regress to being a baby again. For some, it is a fetish. For others, it is because they cannot cope with life and went back to a time when it was secure. I did not say much. Did I feel happier being a baby? I should never have asked the question. Now I was wondering if I would be happier as a baby!

---

January 27, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

We visited mum today at the hospital. Billy was there. We were told that he was sitting by mom's bed since she came into the hospital. Billy may have been a bully at times and a complainer, but I respected the fact that he was sitting by Mom's bed since she came here. It made me think that mom was not lonely, as she had someone to keep her company.

Sarah told me before we visited the hospital that she knew she would cry. For her, it was unbearable seeing mom sick in a hospital bed. I told my sister that we had to be brave. This was easier said than done. When I saw mom in the bed tied to machines and tubes everywhere, I wanted to cry. Fortunately, both Sarah and I were brave, and we talked about school and how nice Dad was and that Aunty was even being a normal aunt. Mom did laugh when we told her that aunty was a lousy cook.

Dad wanted some private time with mom. I could see them through the door window that they were talking and then Dad hugged mom. I could see tears in Dad's eyes and this scared me somewhat. Why was Dad crying? What did mom tell him? Dad would not speak on his way home from work.

---

January 28, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today was one of those days that I wanted to forget. We had school showers after gym. I hated showers and usually hid in a corner. Today some of the boys teased me for how undeveloped my male organs were compared to theirs. I do not know how to write this in my diary, as it is so embarrassing. But it was when I looked at the other boys, I became excited. Some of the boys noticed this and thought it was disgusting that I was attracted to boys.

When I came home, I rushed to my bedroom and sat in a corner. Once again my mind was confused. Why did I stare at the boys and why did my body like looking at boys? It made me think that I could be gay and this was the future for me. I knew that I would have to get on my knees and pray that I would not become gay. After all, it is a sin, isn't it?

---

January 29, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Today I gave my essay to the teacher. It was not the essay that I planned. It was an essay on how I was different from others. It was about how I identified myself as genderfluid. How I like being a boy at times, and how I liked being a girl at some times. It also had some of my recent fears about my sexuality. The essay was about accepting who I was and being happy about my identity. It also explained the trials of being different. I wrote how hard it was to accept that I was different and how people did not accept it. This even meant being bullied.

When Sarah read the essay, she had tears in her eyes. Then she told me that she loved me as a brother and a sister. She did not mind what I wore. I was kind at that's all that mattered to others. Then she reminded me that I was still young to know if I was gay or not. Even if I was, it would not make me a worse person. At times Sarah was very wise and knew the right things to say. It is a shame others were not as wise as she was

At school, some of the boys gathered around me. They were mad that I was staring at them in the showers. One boy whose name was Mike pushed me against the wall and said it was bad enough that I was a sissy, it was just as bad that I was a “faggot”. Then he warned me to remember what happened with Bella and to keep my hands to myself.

---

January 30, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I did not think that anyone could be worse than Noah. I thought that my life would be better since Noah was suspended. Now I was threatened. It was bad enough that they called me a fag, which is such a mean word, now they were threatening my life. I wondered if I should tell the police or Dad. I was afraid. I do not think that I ever was so afraid as I was now.

I remembered the talk with Aunty had a few days ago. I now understood why some teens wanted to be babies or toddlers again. It was an escape from the harsh world that a teen has to experience. It was an escape from the bullying and threats. You did not have to think of who you were. You did not have to worry about being different. You could just feel safe and comfortable with no worries. This must be why some teens regressed to being a toddler or baby

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

January 31-February 6, 2016

January 31, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today was choir again. I was still a member of the choir, but I knew that Father Immer would hear about what happened in the showers. This would most likely convince the priest and even God that I was a sinner. It did not help that the boys have seen me wear Mulan panties when we were changing to our robes. The boys started laughing and teasing me that I was wearing girl panties. I do not think that Father Immer was impressed, because he did not give me a solo. This was the first time that I had no solo.

Aunty did her best to make our life as good as possible, considering that mom was in the hospital. She tried to bake a cake for us. It's hard eating a burnt cake that was hard as a rock while smiling at the same time. We did not want Aunty to feel bad about trying to be nice to us. I could see that Aunty was trying her best. She was not trying to change me or take me to mad scientists. It just proved that some people can change and learn from their mistakes.

---

February 1, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Bella would not be at school this week. In a way, this was good as everyone was teasing me about the shower incident and that I wore girl panties at Church. I was hoping that Dad would not hear about this as it was against the agreement that we made last week, that I would be “a boy” when I was outside the house.

When we came home from school, Dad told us that we had to have a family meeting. I knew that it was serious because Billy was there. Dad told us that mom would be coming home on Wednesday. We were all happy and excited. This stopped when we noticed that Dad was silent and not smiling. We stopped talking and asked Dad was there a problem? After some silence, Dad told us that Mom was very sick. She was so sick that she only had a few weeks to live. He did tell us what the sickness was called, but it was some doctor word that I could not remember.

It was hard to believe that our mother would die within a few weeks. She did not want to die in a hospital and wanted to spend her last days at home. My mind was blank as I thought that this could not be true. I loved my mom and needed her. I could not accept the fact that I would soon have no mom.

I hid in my room until it was supper time. I found a Sunday dress that I remember mom loved when we shopped. I did nothing except sit on my bed holding my doll. I felt like crying but knew that if I cried, I would be accepting the fact that mom was going to die.

At dinner, I asked Aunty if I could have a sippy cup. I do not know why I did this. Maybe it was because I wanted to turn back the time and have my mother taking care of me.

---

February 2, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I woke up and noticed that I wet the bed. I was convinced that my body was regressing to wanting to be a toddler. I tried not to think about it. I took my wet sheets and put them in the hamper. Aunty noticed it and told me not to worry. It did not mean that I was a baby or regressing, it simply was my body reacting to all the stress in my life.

I sat alone at recess today. I did not even feel like talking with Andrew. Aunty was right... there was a lot of things happening in my life. I did not understand how I could be so happy a few weeks ago and so unhappy now. My life was going perfect. I have accepted my identity as genderfluid, and I had a great family. Since then, Bella was bullied so much that she has not been in school lately, I was being teased and bullied and may even be kicked out of the choir. The worse thing was that mom was on her deathbed. I could not imagine a world without mom. I did not even want to think how this would feel. Why did life have to be so hard?

When I came home from school, Dad was fighting with aunty. He was telling her that he was disappointed that I wet the bed again and thought Aunty was behind it. I interrupted their fight and said that aunty had nothing to do with the bedwetting. It just happened. It did not mean that I was becoming a baby.

---

February 3, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I did not wet the bed today.

Mom came home today. She looked so weak and so pale. Sarah was very quiet and it looked as if she could cry at any time. Aunty and Dad helped mom. Dad put a bed in the sitting room. This would mean that mom was around us all the time and she did not have to use the stairs. Within no time, mom was in bed. I thought she was very brave as she was smiling and acting as if nothing was wrong.

While Aunty and Dad spoke with mom, I had an idea. I told Sarah that we should dress up as this would make our mom happy. So we put on the best dress that we had. Sarah's dress was a red satin one and my dress was a white one with a pink bow. We also wore tights, so it did look like we were two princesses. Sarah started crying and told me she could not be as brave as me. I told Sarah that this was the worse experience in my life and started crying as well. For the next hour, we did not say a word. We just hugged each other as we cried.

We finally went down to mom. She must have seen how red our eyes were. She smiled at the way we were dressed and said we looked so pretty. However, we needed help with our hair. So in the next hour, Mom sat on the edge of the bed and fixed our hair. We did not talk about her sickness. When we were done, mom told us that we should not be sad and feel sorry for her or ourselves. We should cherish every day we had.

---

February 4, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Everyone was talking about Valentine's day today. It was a day when we could express our love for each other. I had a girlfriend, and that did not go well. I kissed Bella, but we agreed it was not done because of romance, it was done because we were soulmates. Who needed love? I doubted very much that I would ever find true love. One just had to look at my relationship with Annie. I had a crush on a girl who was incapable of thinking about others. She was just interested in how popular she was and she used me as her doll. That was not true love. Why did I even have a crush on a girl like that?

I visited Bella after school and we talked about love. She was also afraid that she was afraid that anyone would love her because she was a hermaphrodite. She also said that she expected I would get one valentines card. When I pressured her to tell me who it would be from, she just laughed and asked me did I not know that Andrew had a crush on me?

I told her about the gym and the fears that I had that I was gay. Bella thought about it and told me it would not be the end of the world. She asked me could I not see how unique I was? She thought that I was too worried at times and could not see what she saw in me. Concerning love, she told me that we were too young for romance. Good friends were more important than romance.

---

February 5, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

When I came home from school, mom suggested that I spent some time with her. I sat on her bed as Mom asked me how everything was. I opened my heart and told her about Bella being beaten up, the choir and that I even wet the bed. Mom was silent as she knew that she could not help me through the rough times in my life. Then she told me not to worry so much and to analyse everything. My life did seem complicated, but it was only because others could not see the true me. They only looked at what I was wearing and if I followed society's rules. It was pretty much what Bella told me yesterday.

Then mom talked to me about her death. She knew it made the family sad. She knew that we found it hard to accept.

“This is not what I want,” she said, “ I do not want to die and leave my family. The fact is that I will die. This does not mean that I will not be with you all. Every time you look at a star shining in the sky, it is me in heaven smiling down at you. My love and pride for you will never die! I will always be in your heart. In this way, I will never leave you.”

I was confused.. how could she be a star and in my heart at the same time. Mom then gave me a small box and when I opened it, it was a necklace. She explained that this was a family necklace and from generation to generation, it was given from Mother to Daughter. Now it was my turn to have it. I told mom that I would always cherish it and if I ever had a daughter, she would get it.

---

February 6, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Bella visited me today. She was not in a good mood. She told me that she was not coming back to the school. She was going to a boarding school that was for people like her. It was an LGBT+ school. I had no clue what those letters meant.

I tried not to be selfish and think of myself. I knew that Bella was afraid of coming back to this school. This new school would be a safe place for her. The bad thing is she would live there and only come home at weekends. I know I should have been happy for her and support her. I also knew that I would miss her a lot!

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

February 7-13, 2016

February 7, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Everyone was sad since we learned that Mom was dying. Everything was so silent at home. Even Sarah did not say much, which under other circumstances would have been a miracle. I think that we were all thinking of how unfair God was for allowing mom to be on her death bed. It was also as if we could not speak about how we felt. I suppose the easiest thing for everyone was just to remain silent and keep our fears and thoughts to ourselves.

I was not even teased at choir. The word of mom's health had spread very quickly and the other boys knew that I would soon miss my mother. I would have liked them to tease and bully me all they wanted to as long as I could keep my mother. It was the same in the choir, where the boys were silent around me. It was obvious that they did not know what to say or do. The best they could think of was to leave me alone. They did not even want to speak with me. Father Immer was the same. He did not even talk about kicking me out of the choir.

The world was a mean and crazy place. Even North Korea was testing missiles and there was no doubt that they wanted to create nuclear weapons. I wanted to blame God and be mad at life for allowing bad things to happen. I wanted to ask God how he could take away my mom! I needed her so much! I loved her!

---

February 8, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Life sucks!

I felt as if I was in a dark scary room and the door was locked. I could not find any positive thing that was happening in my life. Is it possible that a thirteen-year-old could get depression? That is what I felt like. Things were much easier when I was smaller. The thing was that I had no one to talk with. Dad was so worried and sad and worried. After all his wife was dying. Sarah was also silent.

At school, it was the same. Bella was not there. She was at her new school. There was no one I could talk with. I did not feel as if I could confide in Andrew. We did not talk about our deepest feelings. I missed Bella so much! I just wanted her to say something wise to me and make me feel better. I know I was being selfish. She was happier at her new school and was not being bullied. This being said, it was as if there was a hole in my life.

Billy always claimed that I was good at feeling sorry for myself. He was right. I honestly did not know how to cope with the fact that my best friend was at another school and the dark cloud that Mom could die any day. I could hardly sleep as I thought about all the problems I had. Once again, I remembered how happy I was when I was a toddler. When I felt like I should go to the toilet, for some reason I just stayed in bed and wet myself.

---

February 9, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Dad was frustrated when he noticed I once again wet the bed. He just looked at me and told me that he did not need “this” now. He could not cope with me. I was also confused. I knew that this time I wet the bed on purpose. Weirdly, when I was in the wet bed, I felt like I was a toddler again. I felt like I had no problems. In reality, I must be going mentally insane. What 13-year-old wets their bed?

I got in a fight today at school. Noah was teasing me about the necklace. It was the necklace that Mom gave me a few days earlier. While he was teasing me for wearing a girl's necklace, I launched at him and started to throw punches at him. I shouted at him that it was my mother's necklace and just continued to punch him. The other children separated us. Noah looked shocked and pale. It was the first time that I hit him back or even stood up to him. The other children were also mad at him, as they told him to have a heart. They reminded him (and me) that my mother was dying. I stormed off as I shouted to them all that I did not need their sympathy.

I was becoming one mad teenager, and Sarah could see this. When I was home she said that we needed to talk. She admitted that she thought life was cruel and was asking herself what did she do to deserve that her mom would die. We both had a good cry and then she told me to stop crying. “Mom raised us better,” she said, “She cannot see us feel sorry for ourselves and become bitter. She wants to go to heaven with us smiling and us making her proud. It will be hard for us, but we have each other. You will always be my brother and we can support each other. We can be there for each other and mom will always be in our hearts. Besides that, she is not dead yet. Let's make her smile while she waits to go to heaven.”

I was so lucky to have Sarah as a sister. She was smart and she was right. Now was the time when I had to see the beauty in life.

---

February 10, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Wet the bed again. At least no one suspected that I was doing it on purpose. They would either think that I was regressing or just being lazy.

I decided not to be so bitter and only think about myself. I would be brave and try to make people happy, especially our mom. Billy was showing a new side of himself. He moved back into his old room and was taking care of mom when he was not at work. He became a role model for me. His compassion and dedication to mom were outstanding. I was happy that Sarah was my sister, but for the first time in my life, I was proud that Billy was my brother.

Aunty wanted to talk with mom and me. She told me she knew how I could express my feminine side. She wanted to enter me in a talent show. She said I could dress up as a drag kid and dance. I was confused and when she explained to me what a drag queen was, I was more confused. I always thought that drag queens were very sexual and worked in adult places. I think Mom must have thought the same as Aunty explained that I would not be sexualized. I would simply be wearing a girl's outfit and some make-up and dancing on stage. She explained that she read that some boys in the USA had done this and were called drag kids. I could do what I always wanted. Perform and show my feminine side and be proud of it.

Mom was still confused as she thought I would be part of the pride scene. She made Aunty promise that it would be innocent and that I would be protected. Once she was satisfied with this, she told me that it was up to me. I told them that I needed to think about it.

---

February 11 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Did not wet the bed today.

I could not understand why Aunty wanted me to be a drag kid. I would be performing drag shows and I thought that I was too young for this. I did what any boy my age did and did my research on google. I was surprised to find that some boys have done it. One of them was called Desmond the Amazing. This made me think that it would just be me in a dress and some make-up and performing. Despite it being innocent and could be fun, people would never understand that I did it just to express my genderfluid side. They would think I was gay or making it to some gay rights issue. I was sure that I was not gay.

---

February 12, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

If you could talk Diary, what advice would you give? I wonder what people who read this would advise me to do. What would they think about a drag kid? Is it not just another name for a genderfluid boy or girl that likes to perform?

I wanted to ask Dad, but he had enough worries. I will also be honest, I was sure he would explode if I talked about it.

---

February 13, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I wet the bed on purpose again. Maybe it's the extra decision I had to make and aunty would expect an answer.

I did get a surprise today as Annie came to visit me. This was a surprise as recently she was just being mean to me or wanted to dress me as a baby. Today she was so nice. She even wanted to apologize for dressing me up and being such a bad girlfriend. I did forgive her and we just sat down beside mom and talked until she had to go.

When Annie went, mom said, “I don’t like that girl or trust her!”

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

February 14-20, 2016

February 14, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Dad was on a video call with mum when I was performing in the choir today. She could now see me perform. This made mom very happy as she could not come to Church but wanted to see me. I had a solo, and it was extra special, as Bella was visiting from school. I did my best and I thought it was my best performance yet. Father Immer would think twice before he kicked me out of the choir. I know I should have been humble, but it was not a sin to be proud of one's talents.

I spent the whole day with Bella until she had to go back to school. I told her about being a drag kid and asked her what she thought. Bella replied that I would be doing what I loved and wearing what I loved. However, everyone would know and think I was transgender and even gay. It could mean that I would be bullied more. It could bring a lot of attention and the question was did I want this attention.

It was a hard decision to make. It would be fun and it would be a chance to dress up. As Bella said, it would also mean that people would judge me.

---

February 15, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Wet the bed again. I think it was on purpose.

Dad wanted to have a family meeting today. He told us that he had a long talk with our Mom about the future. We had to accept the fact that Mom would be soon leaving us and it was her wish that we would plan for this. It was important for her to know that everything would be good when she was no longer around.

“Some things will change,” Dad started, “Your Aunt is selling her house and has agreed to move in and help me raise you. Billy has his apartment so this does not affect him a lot. This will mean that Aunty will live here. I know it is a big change and she can never replace your mom, but she can make life easier. This also gives your mom some peace and one less thing to worry about. I hope that you will accept it.”

I figured that Aunty already was here most of the time, so in reality, it would change very little. It is strange though how everyone seemed to forget that she nearly destroyed our family once before and now we trusted and needed her so much.

I told them that I also had an announcement. I explained that Aunty suggested that I enter a talent show as a drag kid and that I have agreed to this. Aunty and Sarah smiled. Billy shrugged his shoulders and sighed and Dad nearly blew his top and asked does he not have a say. It seemed as if he would not have a say, as Mom said in a weak voice that she supported it.

---

February 16, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

After school, Aunty picked me up for school. We were going shopping. I needed the clothes that would help me perform. It was fun shopping. We bought everything a girl could desire, dresses and tights, shorts and tops. They were in pastel colours and bright colours. She bought me sandals and pink and white sneakers. I was delighted with the clothes. They were not childish, but something a teen would wear. They would be perfect for performing.

We also bought make-up and jewellery, Aunty told me she had a lot of money, so it was no problem. She loved spending it on me. We even bought new clothes for Sarah, so she would not feel left out.

Then we went to a shop where Aunty found a bag of diapers. She told me that I have been wetting the bed so much that I needed them. She told me that we could talk anytime. She was worried about the bedwetting and even noticed that I used a sippy cup. She thought Mom's sickness was making me regress. I did not answer. I just noticed that she was telling me all this in a loud voice while everyone in the shop was listening to the fact that I would need diapers. Aunty's only response to this was that they would never know that I was 13 years old, as I was the size of an 8-year-old. I am sure that they heard this as well

---

February 17, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

So now I wore diapers when I slept. The thing is that I did not care. I know this made me weird and possibly a teen baby. My body was changed when the mad doctor gave me the medicine that made me so weak and I was only 3 ft 10 inches (1.18m). I was already using a sippy cup and I even wet myself on purpose. My mind was screwed.

I told Andrew that I would be performing as a drag kid. I told him that I would love dressing up and performing, but was afraid that people would think that I was gay. Andrew responded by saying that there was nothing wrong with being gay. Being in love was special, no matter if you were in love with a boy or girl. He did not consider it a sin to be gay. I did not want to discuss it further with Andrew. I already knew that he was gay. I just wondered why he did not want everyone to know he was gay.

At home, Sarah asked me could she help me being a drag kid? Aunty heard this and suggested that we both perform in the talent show. We would be “sisters.” Mom thought that it was such a good idea. Sarah and I were so excited, that we went up to her room and tried on different clothes, and tried to decide what we should wear. I loved the idea. It would give Sarah some attention and people could see her talent. I would not be alone! Sarah also was joking saying people would think she was also a boy that was dressed as a girl!

---

February 18, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I spent some time with Mom today. She was not as sick as she usually was. Mom talked about her childhood. She did not have the best childhood. Her mom was very strict and expected a lot of her two daughters. This meant that grandmother treated mom very bad. While Mom had the best clothes and lived in a nice house, Grandmom never had anything good to say to mom. She would critique mom about everything and anything. This made mom feel that she was unloved. This is one reason why her biggest wish was that her children felt they were loved. When I asked her if she wanted to patch things up with her mom, Mom shook her head. She did not speak with her mom since she left home and had no intention of doing so. She wanted to die around the people that did not judge her and the people that she loved. This was a bit sad.

Annie came to visit for some reason. I wondered why she suddenly was interested in me again. Was it because my mom was on her death bed? We talked for a bit and then she said she needed the toilet. While she was at the toilet, Mom and Sarah both reminded me that they did not like Annie. When Annie came back, she said she needed to speak with me. She admitted that she peeked into my bedroom and noticed the new girl's clothes. She also noticed that there was a rubber sheet on my bed and there was a bag of diapers. Then she smiled and said she had to go but my secret is safe with her. I should have been angry as she invaded my privacy. I also wondered what she was up to. It was strange thinking that I once fancied this girl!

---

February 19, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Dad took me to see Doctor Mary. She gave me another puberty blocker. I told her about how weak I was and even used a sippy cup and now I wore diapers to bed. I told her about my plans to be a drag kid and how exciting this was. I even asked her if I would grow and become stronger.

She explained that the strange doctor gave me illegal medicine that did a lot of damage. I would grow very slowly, but will never be strong. I will always be what she called fragile. Then she explained that the fact I had no problem using a sippy cup and now wore diapers at night time could be a regression. I wanted to feel safe and taken care of. She explained that the subliminal messages that the mad doctor gave me meant that I did not mind being treated as a baby and that in some ways I wanted it.

Then she asked me if I ever wanted an operation. The hormones I was getting were preventing many male things from developing, and in the long run, it could mean that I would get more breasts. This was too much for Dad, He told her that I was still too young to want to change my body. He thought that she was encouraging me! Maybe he was right. What would I have done if she tried to convince me to be more like a boy?

---

February 20, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Aunty was teaching Sarah and me how to use make-up. This was wise, as if we did it ourselves, we would look like clowns. Aunty told us that it was very important that we practised doing make-up. We also had to be careful not to use so much. She thought that make-up should enhance the beautiful features of the face, and not cover them. We even tried giving Mom make-up on but had to stop as today was one of her bad days. I hated seeing mom in so much pain.

Andrew visited me in the afternoon. I showed him the dresses and admitted that I wet the bed once again. We talked about being a drag kid. Then I asked him how a person knows that they are gay and what it feels like. Andrew answered by giving me a smoochy kiss on the lips.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

February 21-27, 2016

February 21, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today I spoke with Father Immer before the choir. I admitted that I was gender fluid. I did not consider myself a boy or a girl. I liked deciding every day if I felt more masculine or feminine. I even told him that Sarah and I would be performing in a talent show where I would be a drag kid. None of this mattered concerning the choir. I reminded him that he once told me I should be myself, once that I did not harm others. I would not corrupt others or make them have the same feelings as me. I thought I was a good person.

Father Immer was silent and admitted that he had not yet decided on my future in the choir. In a way, it did not matter what he thought of me. The other boys thought I was a sissy and gay. Their parents were worried about what influence I would have over their children. The priest explained that many thought that my gender identity was not what God had planned or wanted. I was not normal. I was going against God's will and the will of nature.

I had to walk home from Church, as Dad was taking care of mom. I was depressed about what the priest said. It was so hard being a teen. I wet myself on the way home from Church. Only Aunty noticed it, but she did not say anything.

In the afternoon, Sarah and I practised dancing for the competition. I quickly forgot about all my problems. It was so fun dancing with Sarah. She showed me some cool moves and we looked great. I was getting excited about the talent show. I knew that we would win! It would be so fun.

---

February 22, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I miss Bella. I hope she is happy at her new school. I still had Andrew, but since he kissed me, I have not spoken with him. I did not know what to say. I was a bit shocked that a boy kissed me and that I liked it. It was also embarrassing and awkward, The question now is how it would affect our friendship.

When I came home, the doctor was with mom. He did not notice that I was there and I heard him tell mom that her sickness was developing much quicker than expected, and he told her that there was not much time left. I just stood there and once again wet myself. Mom noticed this and told me to get changed. I think the doctor was shocked when I came back with girls' leggings and a glitter top. His reaction did make me smile.

---

February 23, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I still did not speak with Andrew at school. I was also doing my best to avoid Annie. She did try to speak to me. She asked was I wearing a diaper and seemed disappointed when I said no. I was worried that others would hear her questions. Annie was so strange. Why was she so obsessed with me being a baby. I thought I was weird enough for wetting myself and not minding wearing diapers, but it was just as strange to be like Annie, that liked me being more babyish.

Sarah and I practised at home while Mom was looking. Mum was in a lot of pain and she was so tired. Yet she managed to smile and help us with the practice. Mom suggested that we mimed and danced to Madonna as that would make Dad happy. So we danced to “vogue”. Once again, we were having so much fun. We helped each other with better moves, giggled and were so happy. Mom commented on how our happiness was worth watching.

We let Mom rest and stayed in my bedroom as we practised putting make-up on. Sarah said that it was sad seeing mom fade away and we soon would not have her. We could not imagine a world without mom and to be honest, we did not want to think about it. Our Mom had always been there. She tried her best at being the best mom. She read enough books about it because she wanted to be the perfect mother. Life would be so empty without her. It was something that I did not want to think about. I was afraid that I would cry and never stop.

---

February 24, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Andrew and I spoke today. We did not say a word about the kiss. It seemed as if this was the best thing to do. We had a lot of other things to talk about. Besides that Noah was teasing me once again that my hair was so long and once again that both my ears were pierced. He asked if Andrew was my boyfriend. I think it's good he did not know about the kiss!

At home, Dad was not in a good mood. He told me that the teachers were talking about me in the staff room. They thought I was looking more and more like a girl every day. One teacher told Dad it must be challenging to be a father of a sissy that is most likely gay. They all knew that Dad was very Catholic and wondered if my behaviour conflicted with his beliefs.

Dad was not happy. He thought the family reputation would be drug through the mud more than it already was when people found out that I would be doing a drag show. They would think that it was wrong and immoral. He would find it hard going to Church as he would have to defend it. Dad ended his panic rage by saying that he had to consider if he would allow us to participate in the talent show.

I felt so depressed and wondered why people had to judge others so much. I ended up wetting myself which only made Dad more frustrated.

---

February 25, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Annie tried to hang around with me at school, but I managed to avoid her. I did not want to be part of her games. I missed Bella!

After school, I visited Bellas granny. She was delighted that I visited her as she missed Bella. When she asked me how my life was, I told her about the kiss that I had with Andrew and now we were trying to forget it happened. Bellas granny gave me some cake and milk as she explained, “If you ask me, you two need to talk about this kiss. Otherwise, it will always hang there. A kiss does not mean that you are gay. You are only 13 and you have time to discover your sexual orientation. Whatever direction you go, the only thing that matters is that you are happy and do not hurt anyone.”

She was right. It was just a kiss. It did not mean that he was romantically interested in me. Bella and I kissed once and we did not become boyfriend and girlfriend. I suppose what people say about me is true… I analyse things too much.

---

February 26, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

I talked to Andrew about the kiss. He reminded me that he was gay and he kissed me because he fancied me. He thought that since I was now a drag kid and never minded wearing girl clothes, I was also gay. I did not know what to answer.

When I got home, mom also wanted to speak with me. She asked me was there a reason why I was wetting myself more? Did I need to say a doctor? I told her that there was no need for this, as I knew that there was nothing medically wrong with me. I was too embarrassed to tell her that I sometimes did it on purpose.

“Your aunt could be right,” Mom said,” She thinks you are regressing and maybe the best thing to do was to treat you as a toddler girl at home. Do not worry, I have told her that this was not the answer. I have always worried about you, Allie. What will happen to you when I am no longer here? Will aunty treat you like a baby again? Will Dad ever accept you? I also think you should avoid Annie. She wants to control you and be like a mother to you. She wants you as a baby girl, that she can dress you up and tell you how to act. This is not friendship or love.. it is about her controlling me.”

I told mom she did not have to worry about me.

---

February 27, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I had a strange dream. I lived in a nursery and lived like a baby girl. It was a nice dream in a way. I was not bullied. People were not dying and I was not confused about my identity.

I visited Bella that was home from school. I told her about the dream. She just shrugged her shoulder and said I wanted to feel secure and happy and not have the worries as a teenager. Maybe I was afraid of growing up. Maybe I was becoming a teen baby that had a fetish with diapers and baby things. Bella joked as she mentioned Annie would love me as a teen baby, as she had a fetish with boys that were treated like babies and sissies. I hated the word fetish. It made me sound so perverted and like a sinner!

Bella told me about her school. Most there had gender identity problems. Some were sissies, some transgender and some genderfluid. There were even some teen babies there. The school helped them find themselves and be respected. She was happy there. It made me wonder.. what would it be like when these people lived back in society? Would they ever be accepted?

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

February 28- March 6, 2016

February 28, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

I was not kicked out of the choir, but I also knew that I was not wanted there. It was because I am different. I am gender fluid that does not mind dressing in boy clothes or girl clothes. I even take puberty blockers to stop the male hormones. I just like looking pretty at times. I am excited about being a drag performer and looking pretty in front of an audience and dancing. I know this is not what other boys do. I have accepted that I cannot change who I am. I just need to be around people that accept me for who I am and not what I should be.

Mom says that Aunty wants to treat me like a baby girl. She had done this before when I did not want it. The difference was that this time I would not care if she treated me like a baby girl. This should worry me as to which 13-year-old would want to be treated like a baby and a girl. Doctor Mary said it's because the mad doctor screwed with my mind. This could be true. I did not have a diaper fetish. The thing is that when I feel like a baby, It is an escape from everything. It is like I am in a bubble with no one judging me, bullying me and no bad news. Maybe it would be normal to learn how to cope with these things. I was just not ready for that.

Then there was the problem with the kiss that Andrew gave me. I liked it! Does this mean that I am gay? The more I think about Andrew, the more that I realize he is cute. This is something that I do not want to face.

What is the problem with me? Do I need to be cured?

Billy found me in my room and told me he bought me a present. It was butterfly earrings. He smiled and told me that he never did understand why his brother was a sissy, but he also knew that despite that he was often critical towards me, he would always love me. This cheered me up. Billy still loved me and accepted my weird ways.

---

March 1, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I wet myself on the way home from school. Only mom and Aunty noticed. After I got changed, I was alone with mom. She was feeling very bad but managed to say that I should speak with Aunty and find a solution for the wetting.

I did not get a chance to answer. Dad wanted to speak with Sarah and me. I was sure that he would not allow us to do the talent show.

“I have thought a lot about this,” he stated, “Our family is not like other families. Your mom is very sick. Allie is sometimes a boy and sometimes a girl and even wants to perform as a girl in public. Sarah also wants to perform and people will think she is a sissy as well! We do not have a normal family but what is normal? We do have a family that loves each other and supports each other. We are a good Catholic family that treats others as we would like to be treated. I cannot understand everything that is happening. Maybe I am old-fashioned. However, I will do my best to support you both. I am sure that you both will have fun at the talent show!”

It was time for a family hug. I knew Dad did not understand me, but he was trying.

---

March 2, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Before I went to school, I told aunty that we needed to talk. I told her that I have been wetting a lot and then I was silent. It was hard for me to admit and say. I think I must be the only 13-year-old that admitted he needed to wear diapers all the time. Aunty was not shocked when I suggested this and asked me was I sure. She did not want to be accused of making me wear diapers like she once had before. I told her it was only until my bladder was better, as I could still use the toilet when I had to take a dump.

Andrew noticed that I was quiet at school. He never guessed that it was because I was mad at myself for asking to wear diapers. He thought it was because Mom was sick or that I was mad at him for kissing me. I tried to cheer him up by telling him that I was not upset about the kiss. It felt nice.

Aunty had the diapers when I got home. Dad was not too happy about it and warned that he did not want me treated as a baby. Aunty agreed and said that it should be short-term. I should wear the taped diapers at home and pull-ups at school. I did not give my opinion. I just let the adults decide. When Sarah saw me in diapers, she joked and said that Annie would want to be my girlfriend again. I said there was no chance. She was stranger than I was! Mom laughed so hard when she heard this, that she ended up in a lot of pain and could not breathe. I was worried.

---

March 3, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Dad told us that we were not to go to school today. Mom was feeling very bad. The doctor was there when we and told us that Mom did not have a lot of time left. I could not speak and I just wanted to turn back time. I was dreading this day for weeks. How could I deal with watching my mom fade away into a corpse?

I did my best as Sarah and I spent most of the day beside Mom. She was drifting in and out of sleep. Her breathing was not normal and she looked so pale. We talked to her about school and the talent show. We promised her that we were being good. We did our best to put on a brave face. We even sang some songs that she loved. All the time, I wanted to cry and beg Mom to get better.

The priest came and gave mom her last rights. This was the adult way of saying that there was no more hope and that it was now in God's hands. I was mad at God. He had no right to take mom away from us. We still needed her. I needed her! The priest should have performed a miracle so we could keep her.

Later that day, Mum took Sarah's hand and my hand and held them for some time. Then she whispered in a very weak voice, “I love you both. I am proud of you both. Remember to love each other and protect each other. Remember to… Remember to be happy in life”

Then we let Billy have some private time with mom. I am sure that Dad wanted to have time with her as well.

---

March 4, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I woke up and rushed down to my mom. I saw Sarah shaking her and crying begging mom to wake up. I just stood there. Mom was dead.

I ran to the backyard and sat under a tree. It was cold and wet, but I did not care. I started crying and could not stop. How could life be so hard? What would I do now? How would I live without a mom?

Sarah came out and just sat next to me. She had been crying a lot. We did not say anything to say to each other. We just looked around us. It was still winter, so everything looked so dead. Everything looked so empty. We did not know what to say or do. The only thing we could do was stare into nothing. After a long time. Sarah told me never to leave her. She did not want to be alone. I hugged her and started crying some more.

---

March 5, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

There was a lot of chaos in the house. They took mom to the chapel and everyone was coming by to give their condolences. Sarah was sitting in the corner of the room while Dad was drinking. Aunty was the only one that had a brave face on was arranging the funeral.

It was too much for me. I went out and hid under the tree again. I must have been there for hours. Aunty came out in the afternoon and gave me a pacifier. She did not say anything to me but told me that we each grieve in our way. “The world lost a good person and heaven gained an angel. They say time heals our wounds, and that is hard to see now. It is ok to grieve, just don’t let it eat away at your soul!”

I just sat there thinking how I could get this dark sorrow out of me. I was later joined by Bella. She rushed over to me as soon as she came home from school and her granny told her about mom. She put a blanket over me and told me that I must have been freezing. When I tried to hide the pacifier from her, she told me not to. I put my head on her shoulder and cried more than I had ever done in my life.

---

March 6, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

The next morning I went down to the sitting room and told everyone that I no longer wanted to do the talent show. I did not want to do anything that would make me smile. Sarah just looked at me without saying anything. I do not think that the others even thought about it.

This strange old woman came out of the kitchen and said, “You must be Alexander. I am the mother of your mom. I am your grandmother!”

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 6-12, 2016

March 6, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

It was hard to believe that mom was dead. It was as if there was a big empty hole in my life. There was no peace in our house. Granny suddenly showed up, so both she and Aunty were now staying with us. Billy moved home until the funeral. There were people constantly visiting us and paying their condolences. Dad said nothing and just sat in his chair looking at nothing. As for me, I spent much of my time in Sarah’s room. We cried a lot and were in a state of shock. We could not believe that this was happening to us.

Dad did not want to go to Church today. I think he is mad at God. I can understand this as it seems very unfair for God to let our mother die. We need her in our lives! When Dad told me that he did not want to go to church, I told him that I felt the same. The choir could do without me today. It was not as if I felt welcome at the choir anymore. Remember that Father Immer told me that they no longer wanted me? Some were afraid that I would corrupt them and they suddenly would be sissies.

Bella, Andrew and Annie visited me in the afternoon. I did not say much. In a way, I wanted to be alone. I just listened to them as they were talking. Bella was telling me that she felt bad that she had to go back to her school. She felt that she should be here and support me as good as she could. Annie replied and said that I still had her and Andrew. This confused me as Annie often made things worse for me. It also confused me that Annie and Bella were being so nice to each other.

Aunty told us that she thought we should wait to go back to school until the funeral. Granny got upset at this and told us that we would be going to school as she thought that it was best for us. Granny asked Aunty why we should stay at home and just feel sorry for ourselves. I did not say anything. I wondered what right Granny had to decide over us. We had never seen her before and mom never wanted her in our lives. Why was she here?

---

March 7, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I now wore diapers all the time. Since mom died, I did not care if I did. I knew it was a way of me wishing that I was a toddler again and I did not have to deal with death and growing up. Sarah asked me if I was not afraid people would notice the diapers or the eyeshadow and mascara that I wore. I told her that the others at school never had anything good to say about me, why would that change?

Some teachers did notice the makeup at school and asked why I wore it. Annie tried to help me by explaining that I was a drag kid and was working on a show. The teacher was shocked and thought it was so wrong. She thought that I was too young to be a drag queen. I explained that I was not a drag queen. It was just a show where I would be dressed up. Besides this, I could not see it was bad for boys to be girly. The teacher did not agree. This was nothing new. I was used to people looking down at me. I was surprised that Annie stood up for me.

Granny must have also been confused. She asked me how a boy who was 13 years old allow himself to wear make-up. I explained that I was gender fluid. I had no problems dressing as a boy or even a girl. This made Granny frustrated as she told me that she heard about the mad doctor. She heard how people tried to make me a girl. She also thought it was wrong and the work of the devil. She ordered me to wash the makeup off. I told her no. She did not decide over me and besides, Mom accepted me for who I was. She just had to deal with it and accept it.

Later that night, Granny told Dad that she decided to live with us. Granny thought that we needed her. Dad did not seem to care. He said that it was a good idea.

---

March 8, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I did not like the idea of Granny now living with us. We had our Dad. Aunty also lived here. We did not need another person in the house. Besides this, I was now 13. Despite the small fact that I wore diapers, I felt as if I could now think for myself. It also bothered me that mom did not like granny. If Mom did not like her, then why should I?

Andrew and I had a long talk today. We talked about the time that we kissed. I admitted that it confused me. It made me wonder if I was gay or not. Andrew smiled and told me that he was certain that he was gay. This being said, He told me that I should not worry about if I was gay or not. I had plenty of time to find out. Besides that, I should remember that a good friend is more important than a boyfriend or girlfriend. Andrew was right. It was a kiss and that didn’t mean I was gay or not. The important thing is that I was lucky that he was one of my best friends.

Dad did not go to work today. He was constantly drinking since our mom died. I felt sorry for him. I bet that he hoped that he would get old with mom. Now he was alone. I was hoping that he would feel better at some stage, but maybe this would be after the funeral.

When Sarah and I were alone, I told her that I did not want to do the show. It just did not feel right. I was too sad to practice for it. Sarah disagreed. She was hoping that the show would be a tribute to mom. I made up my mind. I did not like that Sarah did not agree, but I simply did not want to do it

---

March 9, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Today was a bad day at school. Some noticed that I was wearing a diaper. They noticed the top of the diaper that showed above my trousers. They also noticed it was pink and this meant of course that it was a girl's diaper. They started to tease me and call me names such as baby and pee pants.

Noah joined in the teasing and told everyone that I was getting stranger and stranger every day. While everyone else was getting taller, I was still tiny. Then he laughed and said that I was so tiny, that I still needed diapers. Noah shoved me against a wall and said that a baby like me did not deserve to wear pants. It looked as if he wanted to pull my pants down.

Annie showed up and warned Noah to back off. She would give anyone that bothered me a bloody nose. Then she reminded everyone that my mother just died. This would give anyone problems that could affect the way that they thought or how their body worked. The diapers were just helping me get through this time that was mentally hard and had given my body some problems. This was not true. I was happy that Annie stood up to me and protected me. I started to see her in a new way.

---

March 10, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Father Immer visited us today to talk about Mom’s funeral. He wanted to make sure that we knew what was going to happen. I could see how much this had upset Sarah. She was crying as the priest talked. I could understand Sarah. Mom’s funeral will be the last goodbye, a reminder that we lost our mother at such a young age. I also lost respect for the priest. He once told me to be myself and be proud of who I was, even if this meant that I did not mind acting and dressing as a girl. When boys and their parents in the choir complained, he suddenly agreed with them and was now afraid I would corrupt other boys. I did not trust him.

Granny came into my room when Sarah and I were drawing pictures. She told us that she had been here for a week and some things confused her. She could not understand why I was a “sissy”. She could not understand why I put makeup on my eyes. What really confused her was why I wore diapers. I did not answer any of these questions. This was because I spent the last year explaining to people how I felt. It was only when Granny told us that she thought mom should have put her foot down and raised me properly that both I and Sarah got mad. Sarah told Granny to leave us alone. I was so proud of my little sister.

---

March 11, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Today was Mom’s funeral. Aunty helped get me dressed. She bought a black top for me that went down to my knees. I also wore black leggings. I thought the top looked like a dress, but Aunty told me that it suited me. She thought that I no longer minded if the clothes I wore were feminine or not. I shrugged my shoulders and agreed. It was nice of her buying me new clothes. I was also sure that Mom would have liked these clothes.

The funeral was the saddest thing I ever experienced in my life. We stood around the coffin as the priest said some words. Dad was standing like a zombie. Aunty was crying. Billy was looking down at the ground. Granny had her usual stern stoned face. Sarah clutched to me as she wept. I tried to be brave, but when they lowered Mom’s coffin into the ground, I started crying uncontrollably.

I hid in my room after the funeral. I looked at a picture of Mom. She must have thought that it was hard having a gender-fluid child. She must have been worried that a 13-year-old had to wear diapers. Mom must have been so worried about me. I knew that Mom loved me. The big question is what I would do now that she was gone.

---

March 12, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Granny wanted to have a family meeting. This was the last thing I wanted to do. I hoped that she would tell us that she was going home.

This was not the case. Granny told us that now that Mom was gone, she felt it was her duty to live with us. Some things worried her. I guessed that the majority of her concerns had something to do with me. She did not say what worried her, but she did say that things would change now that she was now here. Granny did not understand how mom could raise spoiled children that had fetishes and were confused and immoral.

We all looked at Dad and hoped he would kick this old woman out. Dad just mumbled and said that he could not raise us alone. Aunty tried to intervene and remind Dad that she promised mom that she would take care of us. Granny told Aunty to be quiet and said that she just confused us and tried to make us something that we should not be. Granny also reminded Aunty that she tried to kill mom. She was not a good role model, Aunty stormed out of the room. Everyone was upset. I just sat there thinking that it was good that Mom was not here.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 13-19, 2016

March 13, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

It finally happened. When I went to Church to get changed for the choir, Father Immer told me that we needed to talk. He told me that I would no longer be in the choir. Once again, I was told that the boys and their parents did not want me in the choir. They could no longer accept that I crossdressed. Father Immer told me that they could not understand why a boy considered himself genderfluid or transgendered. He also said that this was strange for the boys, and it made it worse that I did not mind wearing diapers. Father Immer agreed that I should be the way that made me happy, but I should also realize that people may not like it. He finished by telling me that the gender identity problem I had and the diaper usage could be a sign that I was dealing with problems and confusion in the wrong way. He thought I was regressing and not accepting my gender as an escape… an escape from reality.

I went out to the Church and sat next to Sarah and Aunty. Dad still did not want to come to Church. Sarah kept on asking me why I was not in the choir. I told her that I did not want to talk about it. Sarah could see me crying so she knew not to bother me. I was so mad at Father Immer and the boys. Why would they be afraid of me? Did they think that I was gay and would fall in love with them? Besides all this, what did the priest mean that I was different from other boys because it was an escape from reality? Being in the choir was the best thing in my life. Now I was not even allowed to do that.

Billy decided to move back to his flat. He told me that the house was too crowded with both Aunty and Grannie wanting to decide. Besides that, he did not like Granny. He also thought that Aunty was still trying to change me into a baby girl. I did not reply. I was tired of people always having an opinion on how I should be.

---

March 14, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Today we got a new teacher. Her name was Miss Riordan. She was a small woman that liked to talk a lot. At first, she thought that I was a girl. Noah did not waste time telling her that I was a sissy baby. He said I was so weird that I was kicked out of the choir. He finished his little speech by saying that I had no friends. Miss Riordan told Noah to shut his mouth and told him he must be the school bully. Then asked what difference does it make if a boy acts and dresses like a girl? What was worse… a boy that wore a dress or a boy who bullied others? What should matter is how we treat ourselves and others.

I like Miss Riordan. She was not like others. Despite that she stood up for me, it hurt me that Noah said that I was weird and had no friends. I had Andrew and Bella as friends, but that was all. I was not even wanted in the choir.

Granny was waiting for me when she came home. She told me that she cannot accept I was a hippie teen that dressed as a girl and even wore diapers. She gave me a huge speech on why she thought it was wrong. She finished her rant by telling me under no circumstances would she allow me to perform as a drag queen at a show. She would not allow me to participate in a world that was for homosexuals and immoral people.

I ran to my room. I took the bag of diapers and went down to throw them at her.

“ You can have these diapers,” I said, “I do not need them anymore. I also decided days ago that I did not want to do the show. If I wanted to do it, you could not stop me. So you can keep the diapers, but I accepted long ago that I was genderfluid. I can be a boy or a girl. I can dress the way I want. This does not make me weird. I have accepted it and I don’t care if you do or not. I now understand why Mom never wanted you in her life. She didn’t like you!”

---

March 15, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Everyone was quiet after my outburst with Granny yesterday. I did not feel bad about it. It's been 8 months since I first wore a dress. It has been a rough confusing part of my life. Everyone had an opinion on if a boy should act and dress as a girl. I asked myself why I wanted to be girly. It would be much easier for me if I just did everything a boy should. I would not be judged. This being said, I made up my mind a long time ago. Maybe it was my aunt's and mad doctor's fault that I considered myself both genders. I have made up my mind that I could dress and act as I wanted, even if it did make me look like a girl. I accepted and was happy with this identity. If my Granny wanted to judge me, then that said more about her than it did about me. I did not hurt anyone!

I was worried about Dad. He had not been at work since Mom died. He hardly ever said anything. Dad looked like a mess and was constantly drunk. I realized that he missed Mom and was grieving. At the same time, we needed him as Granny was like a dictator and wanted to decide everything.

Aunty and Granny argued. It started with Granny complaining that our family was dysfunctional. Billy and I were a bad example for Sarah. Granny considered Billy a drug addict even though he no longer used drugs. She considered me a sissy that wore dresses and makeup. Then Aunty had to hear about how children were in her day. They knew their place in society and did not do things against God’s plan and nature. All in all, she thought I had mental problems. Why would any boy want to wear dresses and even diapers?

Aunty tried to respond. She admitted that it was her fault, as she was the one that convinced me to wear a dress. Since then it has not been easy for me. One thing the mad doctor screwed with my mind and made it very hard for me to grow. Another thing was that I had to find out my own identity. Aunty told Granny that it was my mother's wish that I was happy and people would accept that I was genderfluid. As for the diapers, Aunty said that I always had a hard time facing problems and tended to regress to a toddler when I could not deal with them. When this happens, patience is needed. Aunty reminded Granny that I no longer wanted to wear diapers.

Granny just mumbled, “Rubbish, that boy needs structure and discipline”

---

March 16, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I did not like when people discussed me. I did not like when people judged me. It seems as if everything was becoming worse and worse. Father Immer told me I had gender identity problems because I wanted to escape from problems. Even aunty said I regressed and was girly because I could not deal with things. Could they be right? Did I decide it was OK to look and act like a boy or a girl because I could become someone else? It made me think that when I started writing this diary, my wish was to be popular at school. This was not the case. Everyone thought I was weird and a misfit.

I was known as the school sissy and baby. The problem is would I be happy if I acted normal? I was always happy when I could dress and act like a girl until now. I was also happy that I could dress and act as a boy when I wanted to. My life would be much easier and I would have a higher status if I just acted like a normal teenage boy. No one would judge me. I would not be as happy, but I would not be the topic of people's discussions and arguments.

Sarah and Aunty told me that I should consider doing the talent show as a drag kid. I had the talent to dress up and perform. I liked wearing makeup and looking pretty. I would have fun doing it. For this reason, they thought that I should do the show. Sarah also laughed and said that it would also annoy Granny, as she didn’t want me to do the show. This made us all laugh, including Aunty.

---

March 17, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Aunty took me so to see Doctor Mary today. I was told that Granny was not to know I was seeing the doctor. If she did, then it would just cause more drama.

Doctor Mary gave me the puberty blocker shot. Otherwise, she was nice. She thought that it was good that I no longer needed diapers. After this, I admitted that some people wanted to convince me that I was weird and strange. Some thought that I was escaping reality when I crossdressed. This made me think if I wanted to be someone else. Doctor Mary told me that I should remember that I went through a lot of confusion about my gender identity. I accepted that I was genderfluid and was happy. I even considered being a drag kid. It was not my problem, it was other people that had a problem. The idea that a boy could be a crossdresser made them feel uncomfortable and some considered it too liberal. In the end, I had to be a person that made me feel comfortable and happy and realize that some would always think it was wrong.

Doctor Mary also told me that I will have to think about the future. Did I want to start with female hormones that would give me a more feminine body? If I took these hormones, I would develop breasts. In the future, I could get an operation that would change my body to a woman's body. I told Doctor Mary that I could not decide all this now. I needed to think about it.

---

March 18, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

The school was the same as it always was. It was like being in hell. The others teased and bullied me. The only friend I had was Andrew and he was teased and bullied just as much as me. Annie was also nice to me. I was very sceptical of her. It is not as if every time I gave her a chance, she did not end up hurting me and embarrassing me.

Andrew came home to visit me after school. We were in Sarah's room playing with her dollhouse. Sarah was beginning to smile a lot more since Mom died. She liked Andrew as well. So the three of us spent hours with the dollhouse and her other toys. I started to forget all the worries and problems I had all week and just had fun. Even Sarah noticed this as she said to me that it was good to see me happy again.

When Andrew had to go home, he hugged me. After he went Granny told me that she did not want me to be friends with Andrew. She did not like him and said, “He is one of them.” In other words, she knew he was gay and most likely thought that I would become gay as well. I did not answer Granny and pretended not to hear her.

---

March 19, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Bella was home from her school, so she came over to me to visit. Bella, Sarah and me were in my bedroom.

I told them that I had something important to say. “I am sorry that I have been impossible to be around this week. I was kicked out of the choir and Granny has been giving me a hard time about cross-dressing. I felt as if everyone was judging me again. I have thought a lot about my identity. I am genderfluid. I don’t mind being boyish or girlish. I will not listen to people who judge me. If they think I am weird or immoral or if they are uncomfortable with me, then that is their problem. I know who I am. I do not hurt others and I am proud of myself and happy. I have decided to do the talent show with Sarah.

Sarah was so happy that we were going to do the talent show.

Bella told me that I should consider going to her school.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 20-26, 2016

March 20, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

I woke up smiling today. For the last 8 months, I have been confused about my gender identity. People judged me and thought I was weird. This did not make any difference. I was different from others. I have finally accepted this. I had a few friends that supported me and were there when I most needed them. I was blessed with a sister like Sarah. The most important thing was that I loved myself and was proud of who I was. If people did not like this, then that was their problem.

It was hard being in Church. Dad still stayed at home, It was hard for me to sit and watch the choir sing. They got their wish that I would no longer be in the choir. I was so sad when it happened but now I decided to be positive in life. When one door is closed, another door is opened. I may not be able to sing in the choir anymore, but this must have meant that other things were waiting for me,

I was speaking with Andrew after church. He was happy that I was once again positive and smiling. When Andrew told me that I was an expert in feeling sorry for myself and being the victim, I could see his point. I gave him a hug for being such a good friend. It did not bother me who saw me hugging him. It did bother granny. She told me that she was sure that he was “one of those homosexuals” and he was a bad friend to have. I just shrugged my shoulder at her comments. What did she know about having friends? Even her daughters did not like her.

---

March 21, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Annie told me she wanted to speak with me today. She had tears in her eyes as she said, “I have been a bad friend to you. I have treated you as a baby and I have embarrassed you so many times. I was jealous of how close you were to Bella. I was confused and did not know how to be a girlfriend. I treated you like a baby doll because I thought that this was what you wanted. I have no excuses for the way I acted. I do think you're brave and you are cute. You are nice. I do not care if you wear dresses or pants. What I am trying to say is that I am sorry for the way I have acted. I hope you can forgive me and we can be friends.”

Annie was crying and I hate when people cry. I told Annie that I forgave her. To be honest, I did not know if I trusted her or not. This being said, everyone needs a second chance.

Aunty picked Sarah and me up from school. She wanted to give us a treat so we went to a cafe where we had some cake. While we were eating, we planned how we would do the talent show and what we would wear. Both Sarah and I were very excited about the show. Aunty told us not to worry about Granny. She was just a dominant and bitter old woman and hopefully would leave soon.

I was more worried about Dad.

---

March 22, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I looked in the mirror today. While the other boys at school were getting taller and stronger, I was not growing at all. It was hard to believe that I was 13. I looked like a ten-year-old. There were no signs of any muscles in my body. I knew that this was because of the mad doctor and what she did with me months ago. I just wondered if I would ever grow or if would I look like a small child for the rest of my life.

The new teacher wanted to speak with me after school. She knew that I felt like a boy and a girl and this made me genderfluid. She also knew that I was being bullied.

“I do not understand why,” she explained, “I suppose some people feel uncomfortable when someone is different. They feel that in some way that a person with gender identity problems is being abused or has no boundaries. They do not understand how hard this is for you. You have to understand and accept the way you feel. I just want you to know that I will not judge you. I will treat you like any other student here. I will also respect that you are genderfluid. You can also come to me if you need someone to speak with.”

I did not know what to think about the new teacher's statement. It was nice that she respected me.

There was a terror attack in Belgium. 32 people were killed and hundreds of people were injured. I do not understand terror. They say it is some Islam terror group. I do not think that God wants people to murder others in his name. I felt sad for the families of those that were killed and injured. It made me think of what the teacher told me earlier, that we do not like when people are different.

---

March 23, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Something strange happened at school today. Annie was always the most popular girl in my class. She was also the prettiest. Today she was teased just as badly as I ever was. The reason was that she was drawing hearts in her notebook. “A loves A”. Everyone laughed at it and everyone suspected that it was me that was in the heart. I was a bit confused. Did Annie still love me? This could not be the case. When we were boyfriend and girlfriend, it did not work. Annie treated me as a doll when she insisted that I wore a diaper and a dress when I visited her. Annie did indeed apologise for this. This being said, did she still love me or did she miss me as her living doll?

I thought a lot about this while the others were teasing Annie. During lunch break I found her sitting by herself. I sat down next to her and offered her one of my sandwiches. We did not say much except that I told her that being teased was like being tortured. I reminded Annie that she was very popular, so things would be better. Annie responded that it was the price she had to pay for wanting to be a friend with someone that nobody understood

Billy visited us in the evening. I suspect he visited us when he was hungry or wanted his clothes washed. After we ate, he came into my room.

“You know that I could never understand why my brother should be a sissy and be the centre of everyone's attention,” he said, “However you are who you are and you do not care what others think. I can respect that. When I was your age, I wanted people to like me and I spent a lot of energy on making others like me. I tried being good at sports and wearing the right clothes. I tried being popular at school. At times, I felt as if I was pretending to be someone that I was not. I respect you and the way you want to be. Mom also wanted you to be happy. I just hope you do not let the fact that you are a sissy define you. What should define you is how you make the world a better place. This also means having true friends and being happy.”

Billy was right. However, he should have given that speech to people that judged me on whether I wore dresses and mascara or not.

---

March 24, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Everything went back to normal for Annie. It was as if everyone forgot about her hearts in her notebook. She was once again the most popular girl in the class. Annie did tell me that she appreciated that I supported her yesterday when things were hard for her. She told me that I was a good friend. This made me think if I considered Annie as a friend. I forgave her for everything she had done to me, but could I forget it?

Granny was on the warpath at home. She wanted to throw all my girl clothes out. When she said this, I yelled at her to get out of my room and leave my things alone. This made Granny mad and told me that she intended to bring me on the right path again. She warned me that it was best that I shaped up and stopped being such a sissy.

I shouted back at her that what I wore and how I dressed did not define who I was. If she did not like me or respect me, then I did not care. I reminded her that no one liked her and she was not wanted. Why could she not just leave and go back to wherever her life was?

---

March 25, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Sarah and I practised for the talent show today. I will be honest, this was just as much fun as singing in the choir. Sarah had lots of good ideas and it was fun practising with her. Granny did not like that we were practising and told us that she already said that we would not be in the talent show. When we told Granny that she did not decide what we would do and what we would not do, Granny said that she would tell Dad. Dad just mumbled when Granny complained to him. He was still half drunk and in another world. He did have enough energy to say that we could perform in the talent show, as mom supported it. Granny was mad at this answer.

Sarah told me how hard it was for her to live without her mother. She was confused. Both Aunty and Granny were here and they both wanted to decide. Dad was still grieving and he was like a zombie. This confused my sister. I hugged her and told her that things will get better, and she always had me as a brother. I would never leave her.

---

March 26, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I tried to speak with Dad today. This was impossible. He was sitting in his chair. He has not taken a bath for a week and in one hand was holding a glass of wine and looking at a picture of Mom. I felt as if I should support him and help him, but I did not know how.

Bella and Andrew visited in the afternoon. Bella said something interesting. She was now good friends with Annie. She thought that Annie did all those things to me because she was trying too hard. In other words, Annie tried to treat me the way she thought I wanted to be treated. I admitted that I did not know what relationship I had with Annie. I was confused. Was Annie nice or did she just want me as her doll?

I told Bella and Andrew that I was once again happy. I was genderfluid but I was also so many other things. I was good at school, I would be good at the talent show, I was a good brother and I had good friends. If people did not like that I was not a normal teenager, then I would not let that bother me. Bella laughed and asked, “What is normal anyhow?”

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 27-April 2, 2016

March 27, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today was Easter. It meant that we had a week off from school. It also meant that we ate Chocolates for breakfast.

Dad did not go to church today. Sarah and I asked Aunty if he was sick and if he would ever be better again. Aunty tried to put her best smile on and say that Dad just lost the woman that he loved. He was mad that this would happen and confused. Dad was probably afraid of how he could move on and what the future would be. It would take him time. The best we could do was to support him and try to understand how he felt.

Granny overheard the talk and said it was rubbish. We all got over mom’s death and were having a normal life. Besides that, we now had her. Both Sarah and I pretended not to listen to granny. What would I say to her? Granny could never replace Mom. We did not even want her here. None of us would ever get over the death of Mom. We would just learn to live with it. There would always be a hole in my heart and I would always miss my mom. I just wanted to make her proud of me as she looked down at me from Heaven.

Sarah and I practised in the afternoon for the talent show. Sarah was a good dancer and she had a good voice. It was fun when we practised. It was just as much fun as singing in the choir. I will also be honest. I was a bit mean because I knew that when I was dressed as a drag kid and practising, it annoyed Granny. It was fun to provoke her.

---

March 28, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I slept in today. There must be a benefit of a week off of school. Another good thing was that I did not have to experience everyone at school avoiding me or teasing me. They all knew that I was now a drag kid and they thought this meant I was gay and would be performing at strange adult places. This was not true of course. I considered it a fun thing to do, where I could dress up and make everyone happy.

Bella was home for the week. This was the best thing about the Easter holidays. I missed her so much. She asked me if I was now a drag kid because I could provoke people. Bella explained that just like in school, people who have seen me perform would not understand why a teenage boy would dress a woman and pretend he is a female performer. They would think that I was gay. This got me thinking. Maybe I did like the idea of provoking people. Maybe I did like pushing people's boundaries and telling them that it was not wrong to dress the way we wanted to.

Aunty overheard us talking, and told me that I should never be ashamed of being genderfluid. I should show my feminine side when I wanted. When Aunty left us alone, Bella was quiet. Then she said that she did not know if she liked Aunty, According to Bella, it was Aunty that convinced me to first wear a dress. It was Aunty that took me to the mad doctor. It was Aunty that convinced me to be a drag kid. Aunty may well be acting as if she was reformed, but would she accept if I decided to stop showing my feminine side?

---

March 29, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I thought a lot about what Bella told me yesterday. Did she not like that I was genderfluid and would be performing as a drag kid? I could understand that she did not like Aunty. Aunty forced me to wear a dress when I did not want to. Aunty took me to the mad doctor that screwed with my mind and body. It was still embarrassing that I was so short. No one believed me when I told them that I was 13! At the same time, I decided that I was genderfluid. Anything that aunty suggested was just a suggestion. At the end of the day, it would be me that decided what I wanted to do or not.

Sarah, Bella, Andrew and I went swimming in the swimming hall today. I love swimming! We mainly splashed around and just had some fun. It was as if time stopped and real life was locked outside. It is strange when I went swimming. I felt like a little child again who just wanted to have fun again. It was as if the water cleansed me from all the worries and speculations that I had. The others agreed when I told them that it was a shame that we could not go swimming every day.

Reality struck me when we were home again. Granny told Sarah and me that she thought it was wrong that we did the talent show. According to Granny, the talent show was a part of the Liberal agenda that wanted to teach children it was normal to crossdress and be gay. The liberals wanted to destroy traditional morals and beliefs. This meant that Granny would not be going to the talent show. I did not care if she did or not. The only reply was that I told Sarah that it was time to practice.

Why did everyone think I am gay?

---

March 30, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I love school holidays. There was just one thing bad about it. That was Granny! She was constantly there and constantly bugging us. She expected us to be like children 50 years ago. She was one of those people that thought that children should be seen and not heard. Not only did she give me problems about being genderfluid, but Sarah also started to constantly hear granny's views and opinions. Granny did not like Sarah's style. She thought she should always have pigtails and wear fluffy dresses and petticoats. She wanted my sister to dress like a girl a hundred years ago!

The main goal for Granny was to make me a normal gentleman. For her, it was a sin that a boy would wear makeup and dress like a girl. Granny was certain that I would end up living a sinful life as a homosexual. I did not even know what I would do with my future. I did not know if being genderfluid was just a phase. Granny had no idea who I was and that I was happy.

This must be the reason why she told Dad that I should be sent to a military school to discipline me and sort me out. I heard about military schools. They were like boot camps that must have been horrible. Aunty got mad when Granny suggested this and then they started arguing about what was best for me or not. I thought it was good Billy was not here. He would complain that I was once again the centre of attention. The thing was that I did not want to go to any military school and I did not like when people discussed what was better for me.

Dad did not answer. He was drunk and could hardly hold his head up. I did not want to hear Granny and aunty argue about me, so I stormed out of the room while shouting at them to leave me alone.

---

March 31, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I had a scary experience. When I woke up this morning, I could see Mom standing at the door of my bedroom. She was like a white cloud and the whole rum lit up. She was smiling. I was afraid and wondered why mum would appear to me as a ghost. She was smiling and said nothing. Her smile made me feel less afraid. I was sure that even though she was a ghost, she would not hurt me. She disappeared when I heard Sarah shouting as she was asking what we should do today.

Bella came over and we were eating what Easter chocolate we had left. When Sarah went, I told Bella that I thought that I was going crazy. I told her that I have seen mom as a ghost. Bella did not think I was crazy. She said that she knew how much I missed mom and it could be my imagination. Then Bella said that she thought that it could be real. If what I did see was real, then it would be something good. It meant that Mom would always be with me and protect me. The fact that she was smiling meant that she was proud of me.

Sarah came back and said we should practice for the talent show. We would be performing tomorrow. This made me very nervous. Not only would I be singing and dancing, but I would also be dressing as a drag kid. Everyone would probably think I was a sissy and gay. When I talked about how nervous I was, Sarah started to laugh. She said people would also think she was a boy and a sissy. My sister did have a talent for making me smile and stop being so serious.

---

April 1, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

The talent show was today! It was a strange day to have a talent show. It was April fool's day. So when they announced the winners, how would we know if they were fooling or not?

Aunty drove us and helped us get ready. We did not expect Granny or Dad to come. Sarah was very excited about it. She was planning what we would buy when we were famous and millionaires.

We both had our hair in ponytails. We wore a small bit of make-up and a bit of mascara. We wore white gowns with some glitter on them. We had normal sandals. They were not high heels as neither Sarah nor me liked high heels.

When the stage curtain opened, I just stood there. Would everyone hate me or tease me? The music started but I did not start. Then Sarah poked me as the song restarted. Everything then went perfectly. I quickly forgot my fears and was having so much fun. I was so proud that I could perform with my sister. It also gave me confidence. I was showing the world that it did not make me weird because I wore a dress. I was showing the world that I was happy and I was having fun. Towards the end of the song, I looked out at the audience. While some looked shocked, most were smiling and clapping. I even saw Dad standing at the back of the audience.

We did not win. Sarah did not mind. She thought it was so fun and wanted to do it again. I felt very confident and also wanted to do it again. Dad came backstage and told us that Mom would have been so proud. He was also very proud. This felt better than if we did win!

---

April 2, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Bella was going back to her school soon, so I visited her today. I told her that I did not like it when she went back to school as I would miss her a lot. Bella smiled and told me that I had Andrew and Annie. I thought it was strange that she mentioned Annie. Bella could see this and reminded me that I always had a crush on Annie. Annie now was a changed person and was being herself. She was much nicer when she did not try to be someone others expected her to be. She was sure that I would be happy with Annie.

Did I consider Annie a friend? Did I still fancy her?

When I came home, I could see that someone was in my room. When I looked around, I could see that all my girl clothes and makeup were not there!

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

April 3-April 9, 2016

April 3, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

All my girl clothes and anything that was girly were gone. I knew it was Granny that did it. It was her revenge for the talent show that Sarah and I performed at. Besides that, she did not like that I was genderfluid. She made it no secret that she thought that she thought that made me a bad person. Granny did not like Sarah who wanted to dress like other girls her age. She wanted Sarah to dress like a little girl.

So there were now my old boy clothes in my room. It has been ages since I wore them. The embarrassing thing was that because I was so short, they still fit me. I went to my aunt and told her what happened. At first, my aunt was grunting a lot and cursing about Granny. Then she calmed down and told me to just play along with it and not give Granny the attention she wanted. Aunty promised me that she would solve it. I figured if anyone could deal with Granny, it would be Aunty. I know Aunty supports me. She helped me discover that I was genderfluid.

I went to Church dressed as a boy. I no longer like Church. Father Immer kicked me out of the choir. I am sure that God hates me and thinks I am a sinner for being different. I think that everyone smiled when they saw me dressed as a boy. They most likely think that I found God or it is good I have a granny to guide me.

Sarah was very mad that everything was removed from my bedroom. She said that Granny had no right to change me. She also said she hated Granny. I wanted to tell her that she should not hate anyone. I could not say this as I hate Granny as well.

---

April 4, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

School again and I was dressed as a boy. This caused me to be the centre of attention. Annie asked me why I looked so... normal. She asked me if I was feeling more like a boy or no longer genderfluid. Noah butted in and told me that I was not fooling anyone. I did not look better than I did when I was feminine. He told me I was still very small and a wimp and my long hair and earrings told everyone that I was a sissy hiding in a boy's uniform. Noah always knows how to make me want to cry. I know that I should not listen to him, but there is an element of truth in what he says.

Annie begged me not to cut my hair.

Sarah gave me one of her dresses to wear. It reminded me how sad I was that my clothes were gone. It's also embarrassing that my younger sister's clothes fit me. I did not complain. Sarah was just trying to be a nice sister and to cheer me up, I wore the dress then we practised dancing thinking that it would be fun to enter a new talent show.

Granny stormed into the room and ordered me to take off the dress. I know Aunty wanted me to keep quiet and not say anything. I could not do this. I told Granny that I knew she hid all my things. I demanded to know where they were. I told her that I was finally happy accepting that I was different from others my age. The fact was that I was gender fluid. If she could not accept this, then that was her problem. If she loved me, she would give me back my things and accept me for who I was.

Granny replied "We will see" and stormed out. I suppose this was her way of saying that she did not love me.

Sarah and I searched the whole house for my clothes. We could not find them. We could hear Aunty and Granny shouting at each other. I knew they were fighting about me.

---

April 5, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Dad seems to be getting worse. He is still not back at work. He never speaks with us. He either is sleeping or drinking all the time. I can understand that the woman he loved just died. She was his best friend and he missed her. At the same time, did he not understand that she was our mom and we missed her a lot. We needed our father. It seemed wrong that it seemed to be our responsibility how we should help him. He was the adult and should be there for us... especially Sarah.

When I came down for breakfast, Granny asked me did I wet the bed. I gave her one of my patented Allie looks that showed her that I did not want to speak to her. She gave me one of her bad looks and said that she knows when things did not go my way or when someone said "no" to me, I always started acting like a baby. I showed her my middle finger.

After school, Sarah told me that she wanted to do a video with me. We could dress in drag and record a video for youtube. I thought this was a great idea. So we planned what we should wear and what song we will sing. I remember when Sarah was such an annoying sister. Now we had a lot in common and we had fun together. She was always the person that loved me for who I was and not what I wore.

We were telling Aunty about the video. She thought it was a great idea. Granny told us that we were forbidden in doing a video. Who cares what she thinks?

I could not sleep. I was figuring out how I would get my things back. I did not have money to buy new clothes. The only thing that I could wish for was that Dad or Aunty would stand up to Granny. Aunty had loads of money, maybe she could buy me new things.

---

April 6, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I tried telling Dad that Granny took my things and I needed her help. I tried telling him that she needed to leave the house as she was the queen of drama and unhappiness. Dad did not answer and just looked at a picture of Mom. I knew that I was not going to get any help from him. I just shouted at him telling him. "thanks for your support! It looks like I lost a Mom and a Dad."

I was sulking in my room when Granny came in. She told me that I was not to say anything to her and just listen.

"When I came here," She said, "I was shocked. You were dressed as a girl and Sarah was wearing a miniskirt. I found out that Billy did drugs. You were a drag queen and a diapered sissy. What was worse is that Sarah looked like a drag queen. So I did take your clothes away and everything that made you a sissy. I know you want them back. I am the adult here. We cannot depend on your Dad that is now a vegetable. Your aunt is a crazy woman that should not be around children with her immoral ways. So this is what will happen. You will now be a normal teen boy that is a good Christian. You will not be a sissy or one of those gays. You will do as I say. I can see by your face that you will not do this. If you decide to defy me, your life will be hell. I will also send Sarah to a boarding school to teach her how to be a lady. So it's up to you. Listen to me or Sarah goes to boarding school."

I know that Granny could do this. Dad would not stand up to her and Aunty could not do much. I also know that being at a boarding school would devastate Sarah. She needed her friends and family. This is Blackmail from Granny. Could she be arrested for this?

---

April 7, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

I woke up realizing that Granny's threat to send Sarah to some school was not a bad dream. I had a decision to make. I went into Sarah's room before breakfast and asked if she would ever want to go to a boarding school. Sarah was not smiling and told me that she hated the idea. Granny already asked her if she wanted to go to a girls boarding school and learn how to be a lady. "I know I would be so unhappy," she said, "I would feel as if I was being sent away because no one wanted me and everyone there would be snobs. I would miss my family and friends. I would rather live under Granny's evil dictatorship than be sent to a place where I would be so unhappy."

I loved my sister. Maybe if she was sent, she would be happy. Maybe she would meet new friends. We are always afraid of big changes that we do not know a lot about. What was I thinking? I also heard Granny talk about this school. It would be a school where Sarah would learn etiquette, be a lady and be submissive. It would destroy Sarah's spirit.

After school. Sarah asked if we should do the video. I told her that I did not want to be in it or dress in drag. However, I would help her do it. We decided to do a Madonna song. Dad loved Madonna so it could cheer him up. We picked a song that Madonna sang about her mother who died when she was 5. "Promise to Try" was a nice ballad. We worked all evening recording and editing the video. It had Sarah singing and pictures of Mom. We dedicated the video to our mom.

When I was in bed, I could not sleep. Aunty and Granny were fighting.

---

April 8 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

You would think that wearing boys' clothes at school would help my reputation. I suppose that my reputation was so much in the gutters. I was still teased or ignored. I told Andrew that even with boy's clothes, I would still be the weird one at the school. Andrew said that bullies like short boys and one day I wore a girl's uniform, and the other day I wore a boy's uniform. Everyone knows that despite I was wearing a boy's uniform now, I could be wearing a girl's uniform tomorrow.

Annie visited me after school. We were talking in my bedroom. I told her what was happening. She was shocked that Granny took my clothes and was now blackmailing me. I told her that I did not want Sarah to suffer. I tried convincing Annie that I was happy enough being a boy. Annie had tears in her eyes and said that so many people tried to make my life a living hell by not accepting who I was. She admitted that she was just as bad as my granny when she treated me like a doll. I told Annie that was the past. We all do bad things. She was now my friend and that's all that mattered. Granny stormed in the window and told me that I should not have a girl in my bedroom at my age.

Annie may have learned and become a better friend. Granny was too old to become a better person. Later, I could hear her and Aunty fighting again.

---

April 9, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Sarah jumped on my bed and woke me up this morning. She told me that Aunty was gone. I got up and saw that Sarah was right. All aunties things were gone. She did not even say goodbye! Why did she leave?

At breakfast, Granny told me that she thinks it was a good thing if I got my hair cut. I was about to protest when Granny looked at Sarah with an evil look. I did not say anything.

Later Sarah asked me why was I such a wimp. Why did I not stand up to Granny? Sarah knew that I hate being a boy without a chance to be more feminine sometimes. She knew that I liked having long hair. I always had long hair. What could I say to Sarah? I could not tell her that Granny blackmailed me, and I would rather Granny be evil to me if she just left my sister alone.

My mother is in heaven. Aunty was now gone. Dad is still in la la land. Bella is far away. I could not be honest with Sarah. I felt so alone.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

April 10-April 16, 2016

April 10, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Granny was in a bad mood when we were going to Church. She was just on the phone with Billy and told him that he should go to Church. Billy apparently told her that he did not believe in God so why should he go? This upset Granny that blamed our parents for our upbringing. Sarah got mad and told Granny that we had the best parents.

After Church, Granny sat down with me to have a talk. She knew that I hated her and she knew that she threatened me by using my sister as a pawn. She just thought that I was too young to decide and tell the world I could be a girl when I wanted. "I have done some research on this," she said, "and there is not enough research. I personally think that you cannot separate the body that you have from your emotions and mind. These things are combined. Would you have been a sissy if your aunt did not force you to be one? Did you accept it because you thought it made you unique and special? Was this your choice or were you brainwashed?"

Later that evening, I was with Bella and Andrew. We did not have much time as Bella had to go back to her school. Bella noticed that I was quiet and Andrew told her that he was told by Annie that Granny was forcing me to accept I was a boy. I snapped at both of them and said that maybe Granny is doing the right thing. Maybe I was brainwashed by Aunty, doctors and the media. I never liked people thinking I was a girl before Aunty changed me. Bella told me that this was not me talking. It was Granny talking through me. I left in a rage. People would never accept me and would always want me to be one way or another way.

I thought that maybe had some compassion and cared about me. Other times I doubted this. Later tonight she told everyone that since Aunty had gone and Dad was not capable of taking care of us, she would be seeking custody of us. Sarah shouted no and ran out of the room. I said nothing

---

April 11, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Why Did Dad not say anything when Granny say that she wanted custody of us? Why did I just accept what Granny told me? Why did I not tell her that I was genderfluid? Was this because she had power over me, or was it because somehow I believed in what she said? I looked at some videos on youtube about drag kids. I never realized how much time they used at defending that they were drag kids and how the world should accept this. I also noticed that some wore outfits that were very adult-like. Maybe Granny was right. It could be immoral.

After school, Granny took me to the hairdressers. She was still trying to show me that she could be nice and told me my hair would not be so short. When I looked in the mirror, I could see it was a lot shorter. They called it a pageboy style. I did not know if I liked it or not. It did not make me look like a boy. Some would be confused if I was a boy or a girl.

Annie was waiting for me when I came home. She was shocked that I cut my hair. When we were alone, she asked me if I was now Granny's slave. She wanted to know if I was afraid of Granny. I told her I did not want to speak about it. In a way, I was but I also could see Granny's reasoning. Annie told me that she bought some of her clothes. I looked at them and thought they looked so pretty. Despite how much I liked them, Annie was told to take them home. Annie sighed at this and told me that she was so worried about me.

---

April 12, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Everyone noticed my shorter hair at school. Andrew said it made me look like a tomboy. Noah went as far as to push me against the wall and tell me that I can stop trying to be normal. It was far too late for that. He shouted so everyone could hear that I would never be accepted and would never have real friends. Everyone at school would see me as a sissy and a baby that just was mentally disturbed. I went to the bathroom and cried for a long time.

Today was not all that bad. The video that Sarah did went viral. People loved her voice and thought it was sweet that we made a video where we remembered our mother. We showed the video to Dad hoping it would make him smile. He did not react. He just looked at it with blank eyes.

---

April 13 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I could not concentrate at school. For the last year, I have been confused as to my identity. I was born as a boy and yet wanted to dress and act like a girl. I was so happy when I finally accepted that I was genderfluid. I loved looking pretty and loved doing the talent show. Now Granny managed to convince me that it was wrong. It made me an outsider and it screwed with my mind that I could not see the difference between good and wrong. The problem is that people still were telling me how I should look and feel.

I decided during a class where I should be understanding maths that I would do what I felt and let people have what opinions they had. I was happy before when I did this and I could be happy again. I was a boy now and it was time for me to live the identity that God gave me. I just needed some hobbies that would help me live a normal life and try to forget everything that happened in the last year.

Billy visited after school. Sarah told him that Granny took all my girl things. Billy told me that he used to think that this should be done long ago. However now he thought that my happiness was more important than whether I wore a dress or not. He wanted to know why I did not stand up to Granny. "You stood up to everyone else including Dad when you insisted you were genderfluid," he said. I told him that maybe it was time for me to grow up and stop fighting social norms. I tried to convince him that I was happy. I do not think Billy believed me. He sighed and told me that I was the most complicated person he ever met.

---

April 14 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today started with a huge drama. Dad was not home. So we all went out searching for him. I was very worried about him. He was no longer the Dad that I knew or needed. Sarah could not stop crying. She kept on saying that he was dead like her mother was. I used more time consoling Sarah than looking for Dad.

We could not find him. When we came home, he was there. Granny said that he was found sleeping by moms grave. I felt sorry for Dad, Not only did it rain all night, but it seemed so sad that he had done this. Granny told us to go to school and she would think about how we could help him. On the way to school, Sarah was telling me she did not trust Granny. I smiled back and said that maybe Granny did have a heart after all.

Annie wanted to speak to me after school. She admitted that she was confused about why I accepted what Granny did to me and why I did not fight back. I told her that the genderfluid days were just a phase and I was happy being a boy. Annie smiled and told me that even as a boy I was cute. I was blushing as she told me that she was always there if I needed someone to talk to.

Life is a constant change and people change. I could see how I was changing and I could see that Annie changed a lot. I remembered when I had a crush on her and to be honest, I think that I still had a crush on her!

---

April 15 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

The teacher asked me to speak with her after class. She wanted to know if I was OK as she thought that I was different. I laughed and told her that I was different. I no longer wore a girl's uniform. The teacher wanted to know if I was being forced. I looked down at the floor as I told her that this was my own choice. It was also getting annoying that no one believed me when I told them that the genderfluid days were over and I was happy.

When I came home. Sarah was also on my case. She told me that Granny was an evil witch and was worse than the witches in Disney. She should not force me to be someone that I was not. I got mad at my sister and asked her if she ever considered that Granny was just helping me. She opened my mind to what I was doing wrong and she cared about me so that I would not be despised and everyone thinking that I was weird. I asked Sarah if she ever considered that Aunty brainwashed me and I was doing all the genderfluid things to cope with the fact that I was not popular at school. It was a deep black hole that I was sinking in. Granny saved me.

Sarah thought for a minute and then said, "Or maybe it's because you have no fight left in you and you now let Granny decide who you are."

---

April 16 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Today was a day when I felt like an orphan. I was with Andrew, Bella and Annie and this was fun. It helped that no one discussed my gender and we had fun baking a cake.

When I came home, Sarah was crying. She told me that some men came and took Dad away. Granny tried to explain that Dad would now be getting help at a psychiatric hospital and would come home when he felt better.

Sarah was yelling at Granny telling her she killed my mom, and now made my dad leave as well as killing my spirit. I did not say anything. I went to my room and started crying.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

April 17-April 23, 2016

April 17 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

We went to church today. Father Immer was talking about sin and how we were all sinners and bad people and were doomed to eternity in hell. This got me thinking that why would God throw us in a hot burning hell for eternity for some mistakes we made in a short lifetime? After mass, Granny whispered in my ear that now I understand why she is trying to save my soul. I did not know how to respond.

Father Immer wanted to speak with me. He asked me if I wanted to be in the choir again. Granny had a big smile on her face. I told him that I had to think about it.

At home, I hid in my bedroom. I did not want anyone to see me. In fact, I would spend the rest of my life as a hermit. Then I just could be myself and not hear what people think I should wear and act. I would not be judged. I would not be confused. The fact is that I now have listened to Granny. I could see that she could be right when she said life would be so much easier if I acted like a normal teen boy. Then people would not think that I was weird and a sinner. She must be right. I was invited back to the choir.

---

April 18 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

After school. I asked Granny if I can visit Dad. Granny got upset about this and said that she did not think that would be wise. She did not think that Sarah or I needed Dad in our lives. Then she went on a rant about how our Dad was the worse Dad ever and could not even raise three children. She never did like him and did not like when he got married to our Mom. Then she smiled and said not to worry, as she has started the process to get custody of us.

I started to write a letter to Alberto who is the boy that I met in Greece. I was writing about everything that has been happening. I was afraid he would be confused. I dressed like a girl and then I didn't and then I did and now I don't. I also did my best to write that I was happy.

Sarah came to me and told me that she misses Dad. She knew that he was sad and had problems. She just felt as if Granny did not love us. I tried telling Sarah that Granny does care. This made Sarah roll her eyes and say, " A few weeks ago, you hated her and now you think she is so great. Granny has you under her spell."

---

April 19 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Annie told me she wanted to speak with me today. She told me that she wanted to be honest. There was little time to do this as Noah and the others were bugging me and doing their best to make me cry. When we did get some time together, she was silent for some time and then said that she was not ready to tell me this. I hate when people do this. They tell you that they want to say something and then they do not. This means I have to wait for ages for her to tell me and until then guess what she wants to tell me.

When I was home, Sarah asked me if she could practice on my hair. She wanted to be a hairdresser and needed hair to practice on. I figured that this would cheer her up. So for the next hour, she put every girl thing in my hair she could find and despite it was no longer as it once was, she managed to put it in a nice style. When I looked in the mirror, I could see it was very girly. I must admit that it did look pretty. We heard a gasp. Granny was standing at the door. She told me that we would have a talk later about this. It happened again. Someone told me I would have to wait and guess what would be said until then.

---

April 20 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I could not concentrate during class. I thought about if Sarah had a motive for making my hair look girly. I think the answer is clear. She thought that somehow Granny put a spell on me and that I would do anything Granny wanted. I could understand why she thought this. The problem was that Sarah did not know that Granny blackmailed me and I could understand why Granny wanted me to be normal. At the same time, Sarah just wanted to remind me that I was once happy being a boy or a girl. This made me smile. Sarah just wanted me to be happy.

Granny did not think this was good. She made me stand attention while she told me that she finally reforming me. I was being the boy that Granny did not have to be embarrassed about when I was with her. She did not want me to ruin her reputation by being destroyed by my sissy ways.

"I have to think if I can do this by myself. I want you to think about how better you have been when you did as I said. You are no longer immoral. You have taken the rainbow that the transgenders and gays have stolen and given it back to God. I will also have to decide if I can deal with Sarah by myself."

I told Granny that she promised to leave Sarah alone if I did what she wanted. Granny reminded me that I failed at this. Why was she making a big fuss about that Sarah was pretending to be a hairdresser?

---

April 21 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

It was Sarah's time to face Granny's wrath. Granny told Sarah that she was a bad influence on me. At first Granny tried being nice to Sarah by asking her did she want to be guilty of supporting my corruption or turning me into "one of those unwanted elements in society." Sarah did not fall for it and told Granny that I had a right to be the person that I wanted to be. Sarah also told Granny how she hated her and would never forgive her for putting me under a spell.

It ended in one big argument, where Granny lost her patience. She told Sarah she would not be allowed to do any more videos and that Granny would think of further punishments.

I went to my bedroom and looked out the window. I felt bad that everyone was arguing about me. Once again, everyone had a view on how I should dress and what I should wear. I did not know who was right and what I should do.

I must have fallen asleep, as when I woke up, the ghost of my mom was back again. She did not look happy. She held my hand and told me, "It's time you stop listening to others and trying to please everyone. It's time you listen to yourself. Decide what is important for you... how you dress. Decide what you want to do with life and how you want to live it. Start living your life doing things that make you happy and the world a better place to be."

the ghost of Mom disappeared making me think if what I saw was real or my imagination. It would be best if I told no one about this as they would think I was crazy.

---

April 22, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

After school, my cell phone rang. It was Doctor Mary. She wanted to know why I forgot my appointment. I explained that I was trying to be normal and act more like a teen boy. Doctor Mary sighed when I said that Granny was being nice and she was showing me right from wrong.

Doctor Mary told me that it did not make a big difference if I got shots or not. The medicine I got from the crazy doctor would have delayed puberty for a long time. She could also respect if the gender-fluid feelings I had was just a phase I was going through. Doctor Mary reminded me that it was my choice. At any rate, she would still like to see me and keep an eye on my development.

If the shots Doctor Mary were not needed, why did she give them to me?

---

April 23, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Beyonce released a new album called “Lemonade”. She is not someone I listen a lot to so it was not big news. The only reason why I paid attention to it was that it made me think of Dad. I am sure that he did not like Beyonce and considered her a contender for Madonna's throne. If Madonna released new music, then maybe it would cheer him up.

At any rate, I decided that I would visit Dad, even if I was not allowed.

Billy visited us and told me that he needed to talk with me. He said, “It's hard being your brother especially since you started acting like a sissy and baby. I blamed you for getting all the attention and making our family so weird. I know I treated you badly, but was also proud of you that you were stubborn and finally decided that you were genderfluid or whatever it's called. The last year has been hard for everyone in this family. Sometimes I forgot how hard it can be for you and as a big brother, I was never there. I even blamed you for the problems I had.”

“All this being said,” he continued, “What is happening to you? The last year of your self-exploration and discovering who you are was not just a phase. You have let Granny have too much power. Do you not see what is going on? First, she threatens you that she would make Sarah's life a living hell if you did not do what she said. Then she suddenly becomes nice and wants to be your best friend. She is manipulating you and trying to confuse you and rework the way your mind is. She is deprogramming you and making you into a person that won't embarrass her. It's time you open your eyes to what is happening.”

Billy thought that I needed to get away from Granny. He suggested that I should move into his flat. It would be small, but I would have the freedom to be who I wanted.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

April 24-April 30, 2016

April 24, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Granny told me that she wanted me to tell Father Immer that I would rejoin the choir. She said that we should always do what a priest asked and besides that, God gave me the gift of a beautiful voice that has not broken yet. It was embarrassing when she talked about my voice not breaking. Most of the boys my age have experienced this. It just reminded me that I was 13 but still looked and sounded like a small boy. That crazy doctor and what she has done to me would haunt me for the rest of my life.

I visited Bella after Church. I only saw her once a week when she was home. She asked me if I did speak with Father Immer. I told her no. I was tired of people telling me what to do. I just wanted to hide in my bedroom all the time. I would be happy if I have seen no one except Sarah, Andrew, Annie and of course Bella. This made Bella and she admitted that she missed me when she was away at school. She wished that I could be at her school.

When I was home, Sarah told me she wanted to do another video. The last one was a huge success. She did not care that Granny told her she was not allowed.

---

April 25, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Annie told me that she was brave enough to tell me what she had been wanting to tell me for weeks. She took a deep breath and asked me did I remember the time she dressed me up and put me in diapers. I smiled and said it was a bit hard to forget. Then Annie said, "It's strange you never thought of where the diapers came from. The truth is I may be popular at school, but if people knew my secret, my life would be hell." Annie told me that she wet the bed and needed diapers. She always hoped it would get better when she became a teen, but it was still a problem. I thanked Annie for telling me all this and it did not change how I viewed her as a person.

This is not true. It explained why Annie always wanted me in a diaper. She did not feel alone when I was in diapers. This made me think that she was not evil and did not want me as a doll when she dressed me as a baby girl. Annie thought it was something that we had in common. It also makes me think that no one is perfect. There is no such thing as being normal. We are all different with different feelings, talents and problems.

I helped Sarah do her new video. She decided to do a Taylor Swift song. I always was told that I was a good singer, but Sarah really has talent and it's obvious she has fun singing and doing these videos.

---

April 26, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Today Noah punched me in the stomach. Besides this hurt, it is like a nightmare as it's hard to breathe for a while. Noah shouted that I was a sissy pretending to be a boy. I corrupted others into being sissies, gay and babies. He even said I must be Satan's son that was sent to the school to corrupt everyone. Noah could be strange. I was not corrupting anyone. Everyone at school hates me and kept their distance from me. I admit that I have identity problems, but this only hurts myself and my reputation. Why can Noah not see that being a bully is far worse? He uses violence to lash out at people. It shows how dark his soul is and it's him that has problems!

Billy tried to visit us today however Granny did not allow him in. She told him that he was a bad influence on Sarah and me and was a bad person. She did not want him to visit us again. This made me sad. Billy did make a mistake that time he took drugs. However, he sorted his life out and was no longer as grumpy as he once was. Why would Granny want to disown him? Did she not remember our mom's wishes that we would be a family that loved each other and supported each other?

Was Granny getting rid of everyone that challenged her? Aunty was gone, Dad was in some padded room and now Billy was no longer allowed to visit. Did Granny want full control of Sarah and me?

---

April 27, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Billy met me outside the school when it was done. He was mad and sad about Granny. He had the same thoughts as me. It was Granny's fault that Aunty was gone and Dad was locked up. Granny wanted to have custody of Sarah and me so she could change us into her little trophies. I tried telling Billy that she was nice but just old-fashioned. I believed that she did care about us. Billy sighed at this and told me that her being nice to me was an act. She was manipulating me and never cared how I felt or wanted to be.

Billy still wanted me to come and live with him. I told him that I was grateful for his offer, but never can never leave Sarah alone. We needed each other and promised each other that we would always be together. I think my answer made Billy sad, but at the same time, he understood this and wished he had the relationship with someone that Sarah and I had.

Later, Sarah and I were playing with her dolls. Sarah did say that her classmates would think she was too old for dolls, but it was fun doing it with me. I admit that it was relaxing. The problem was that Granny caught us and started yelling that there was no hope for me. I was once again confused. Why was playing with dolls so bad?

---

April 28, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Granny made me stand attention again today. She told me that she tried to reform me and become the person that I was meant to be. However, I have disappointed her again and again with my sissy ways. She told me that I would now be sent to a military school in the next term. I told her there was no way that I would go. Dad would never allow it. Granny smiled and told me that Dad would probably give her custody and had nothing to say about it. She looked forward to seeing me with a buzz haircut and being disciplined and a real gentleman.

I did not say anything to Granny. I decided that everyone was right. She was only pretending to be nice. If I did not do what she wanted, she would punish me like what she was doing now. I had two choices. I could be nice to Granny and do everything she wanted or if she sent me to a military school, I would just run away.

Sarah was hysterical when she heard Granny was sending me. She was crying and screaming and saying this means she would be left alone with Granny. Sarah rushed down to Granny and told her that she was an evil witch and no one wanted her at our house.

---

April 29, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Sarah woke me up and told me it was time that I stood up to Granny. I told her that I was confused. It seemed as if people liked me better when I was more boyish and masculine. I was not teased as much in school and I was welcome back in the choir. Maybe a boy acting girly was bad. What if Granny was right? What if being girly was bad for your soul and bad for society? What if it made me a bad person?

Sarah sighed and said that I never hurt anyone. Granny had no right to change who I was. I could hide it and try to fight it. I could not change who I was.

At school, Annie was not happy either. She told me that Noah overheard when she told me that she wet the bed. Noah warned Annie that he would tell everyone if she continued being my friend. I thought this was Annie's way of telling me that she could not be my friend. She did not do this. Annie said she would not allow anyone to tell her to be friends with. It may mean she would no longer be popular, but she would not give in to bullies. I had to admire Annie's courage. I also suspected that Noah would tell everyone no matter what she did. He is a bully and bullies have no compassion.

Later at home, I heard Sarah screaming. She told me that Granny took all her clothes and the only clothes that were left were clothes a small girl would wear. I was mad at Granny. She promised me that Sarah would not be punished if I did what she wanted. She did not keep my promise. I could not trust Granny.

---

April 30, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Granny told Sarah why her clothes were taken. She told Sarah she did not like girls wearing clothes that revealed skin. She did not like short skirts or belly tops. She did not want Sarah to look like one of those street women. I do not think that Sarah even knew what this meant. Granny was also mad that Sarah had done another video after she was forbidden to do one. Granny did not think that Sarah should be exhibiting herself in that way. Granny went as far as to say that Sarah was not a good singer. I was afraid that Sarah would either cry or explode. I told Granny that Sarah and I were going for a walk.

Sarah was sad when we were walking. I told her that we were going to visit Dad, I no longer trusted Granny and did not like her. She did not love us. She did not care. She was mean. We needed Dad to come home and help us. As we walked, I told Sarah that she was not to listen to Granny. Her videos were very popular. People liked her songs on youtube. Everyone except Granny could see that Sarah had talent.

It did not help to visit Dad. He just was staring into space and hardly knew that we were here. This did not stop Sarah and me from telling him how bad things were and how evil Granny was. Dad did not say anything or even look at us. It was only when Sarah said that Mom would not like what was happening, that he looked at Sarah.

Was there any hope?

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 1- 7, 2016

May 1, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

There are only 60 pages left in this diary. I am surprised when I look back at it and how I changed so much. I have noticed two things as I was reading this. The first is that being a teenager was not what I suspected. So many people have had an influence on me. This was both good and bad. I could see that I would never have become feminine if it wasn't because of my aunt. It just did not just my aunt. Others tried to influence what I should wear or act. Was it their fault or was it my fault? I listened too much to others and this only confused me and frustrated me. It was when I listened to myself that I was most happy.

I visited Bella today. She was sad that I was being forced to go to military school. She told me that she was not going to tell me how to act or dress. Bella was however worried about me. She told me that even when I was treated badly, and when I was most confused, I smiled and had happy eyes. It's been a long time since she has seen me smile or have happy eyes. Maybe this was because my Dad was sick, or maybe I missed my mother. Maybe it was because of something else. Bella hugged me and told me to find happiness. Then we changed the subject and played a game. I wish that Bella did not have to go back to her school. I needed her.

Granny wanted to know why I did not accept Father Immer's offer to rejoin the choir. I did not answer her. Deep down I wanted to be in the choir. At the same time, I knew that Granny wanted me to be in the choir. She would have to wait until I decided. I no longer trusted her and was not going to do everything she said.

---

May 2, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Sarah was in a great mood today. Her latest video on youtube was a huge success. She was planning to do another video but could not decide what song she should do. I admire my sister. She does not care what Granny thinks and does what makes her happy. At the same time, she makes people happy. It made me think of when I had courage and did something special. I loved modelling. Now there is no way I wanted to model, I want to hide from everyone.

In history class, we learned about boycotting. It was an English landlord that did not care about his tenants. They had enough of him and decided to ignore him. He became invisible in their lives. This was now called boycotting, which is a withdrawal from commercial or social relations with (a country, organization, or person) as a punishment or protest.

Annie was teased a lot today. Noah of course told everyone that she wet the bed. I tried to console her and tell her it would get better. She had lots of friends and if they were real friends, they would support her. Annie told me they were calling her pee pants, diaper girl and baby. This made me think if she was sorry that she told me that she wet the bed. Annie held my hand as she said that she knew I did not tell anyone. It was Noah. Despite she was being teased, she was happy that I knew. Annie did not understand my humour when I told her "Welcome to my world"

---

May 3, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

After school, Annie asked me if I would visit her house. I must admit that this gave me some anxiety. Every time I visited Annie before, she dressed me as a baby girl. At the same time, she was being bullied at school and she was not used to this. Even her so-called school friends were not speaking with her. I agreed to hang out with her.

We had a great time. We did not talk about her problems at school or my problems. She did not dress me up or anything like that. We just talked about things. She did show me some clothes she just got. They were so pretty and looked so cool. Annie smiled as she saw my reaction and told me that I could not hide the gender-fluid side of my personality. She still said that I could have her old clothes. I changed the subject by telling her that she should show people the side of her that I knew. She did not have to put on an act to be popular at school. I like the way she was now and not when she was pretending to be someone else.

On my way home, I was thinking if I should have taken her old clothes.

Granny was frustrated and wanted to know where I was. I did not answer her. I decided to boycott Granny. I will pretend that she does not exist. It was more of a protest from my side. It was me taking the first step to take control of my life.

---

May 4, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

During the lunch break, I was sitting on a patch of grass with Annie and Andrew. The bullying of Annie was getting worse. It seems as if Noah was becoming worse. I think he has mental problems. As we were sitting there, I was joking by saying that we were the outcasts of the school. We were the black sheep. We were the weirdos. This made us all laugh. We could see that we were truly friends and would always be there for each other. After we stopped laughing, Andrew leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Then there was silence. Andrew was apologising. I considered it a kiss from a friend. The problem was that we were in the playground and everyone saw the kiss. They would not see it just as a friendly kiss.

At home, I tried not to think so much about the kiss. I am sure Noah would remind me about it for ages. I looked on the internet for information about the military school. It looked very disciplined and structured. The uniforms did look very smart. Some of the activities looked fun as well. It worried me that I thought some of the boys there were cute. I was sure that being at a military school would not be so bad. This did not mean I wanted to go, Sarah and me promised each other we would be there for each other. I would miss Annie and Andrew. There was also the fact that it was a military school. I was a pacifist and wanted nothing to do with war or anything that glorified it.

Andrew kissed me yesterday and I thought the boys at the military school were cute. It is obvious that I am becoming gay.

---

May 5, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

At school, everyone was talking about the kiss from Andrew. Andrew did not seem to mind about it. He started admitting to everyone that he was gay. I admire him. It takes great courage to come out of the closet and not care what people think. Of course, this meant that I was accused of being gay. I was so used to being bullied and teased, that it did not make a difference.

The bullying of Annie was getting worse and worse. All her friends that she had no longer wanted anything to do with her. She was called names and sometimes she was pushed and shoved. I was afraid someone would beat her up like what happened to Bella months ago. On the way home, Annie started crying. She did not like being teased and she was afraid that things would get worse.

All this made me mad. Teens can be so mean. They tease me for being different. Andrew could be expected to be bullied for being gay. Annie was now being bullied for wetting the bed. The doctor told me once that there were a few teens that wet the bed. It does not make Annie weird or strange. She will get better. The whole thing confuses me. I mean Annie was the most popular girl at the school. She had lots of friends. Now they wanted nothing to do with her. This makes me think that popular people do not have friends. They have friends for as long as they are popular. I only have a handful of friends, but we support each other in good and bad times. I am very lucky.

Annie must be so confused. She had no status at the school and her so-called friends ignore her. On top of all this, I could see that Annie was terrified. She does not want to end up in a hospital like Bella was.

---

May 6, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Everyone at school thinks that I am gay. They don’t even ask. They just call me the worse names that people call gays. In a way it makes me smile as it's good they are certain about my sexual identity. I am not even sure if I am gay or not. It's funny how people come to a conclusion after one kiss.

When I came home, Granny was arguing with Sarah again. It was Granny threatening Sarah not to do a video for youtube again. Sarah wanted to know why she was not allowed. People liked when she sang and thought she was good. She made people happy. Why was it so bad? This to me seemed like a good question. It was not bad for Sarah to do these videos. She did not hurt anyone. I think it was because Granny wanted full control of what we did and what we did not do.

That night, the ghost of my mother suddenly was sitting on my bed. I was no longer afraid when this happened or spend time thinking if she was a ghost or just my imagination. Mom told me that things will get better. She loved her children and her husband. She asked me to have patience with Dad and be there for Sarah. She also told me once that she did not like Annie or trust her. Now she thought that Annie was good for me and smiled as she said she knew that deep down I still fancied Annie.

---

May 7, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

Granny was trying her best to be nice to me. I knew that this was all an act. I ignored her and boycotted her. This frustrated her. The more I ignored her, the more she tried to be nice. The only thing I said was that Sarah and I were going to visit Dad. Granny got mad at this and said we were not allowed to visit him. Sarah told Granny that she had no right from stopping us to visit our Dad and how would she stop us… locking us in a cage? This made me laugh. At the same time, it could be something Granny would do.

Dad seemed much better today. He spoke a bit more than he had ever done since Mom died. He told us that the staff were very nice and helped him a lot. He asked us how things were at home. Sarah and I did not want to make things worse by telling about how bad Granny was. I do not think we needed to. Dad said he could see that we were not happy.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 8- 14, 2016

May 8, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Father Immer wanted to speak with me. He wanted to know why I did not join the choir again. I admitted to him that the choir was the most important part of my life and this was taken away from me. It was taken away from me when people were afraid of me because I was feminine and considered myself genderfluid. I told him that I never hurt anyone and yet was judged and kicked out. This confused me, as Noah was never kicked out and he made people's lives a living hell. Where was the justice?

I was proud of my outburst. Granny thought that I was rude and should join the choir. I did not answer her. I could have explained that there was no way I could do the choir when she was sending me to a military school. I could tell her that I have been living and acting like a boy and this does not seem to matter, she just wanted more and more. She wanted to control me. I could have said a lot. I did not. I continued my boycott.

As we were standing outside the Church, Annie came up to me and kissed me on the cheek. She smiled and told me that now they have something else to tease us about. I was speechless. I knew the kiss was just Annie showing the world something but for me…. I was on a pink cloud.

---

May 9, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Annie was teased more than me at school.

Granny was in a bad mood today. She was at her lawyers and it seems as if Aunty is also trying to get custody of us. Granny talked about how she was never proud of her daughter. She was always a troublemaker and used her money to get what she wanted. Granny was asking us what court would give Aunty custody of us. She tried to change me to a girl. She tried to murder our mom! I did not answer. I was thinking that the judge should ask us who we wanted. I did not want either Granny or Aunty. They were crazy.

Sarah told me later that she noticed that I was ignoring Granny. I explained the concept of boycotting someone. Sarah noticed my boycott annoyed Granny and she liked that. My sister had an evil streak in her! Sarah decided that she would boycott Granny as well. This would be interesting. Sarah always liked having the last word and could she be quiet?

---

May 10, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Annie was teased more than me at school.

Andrew also wanted to speak about the kiss. I was thinking that he may want to apologise. This did not happen. He just wanted me to know that he thought I was very cute and fancied me. He wanted to be my boyfriend. I should not have been shocked at this and should have seen it coming. I did not know how to respond. My first reaction was just to laugh. This must have hurt Andrew a lot as he told me that he was not joking and walked away. I did not try to find him. It was very brave of him to admit that it was very brave of Andrew to ask this. I just did not know what to say to him. In my defence, I was very inexperienced in matters of love. I was so confused about how I felt about Andrew.

When was at home, my mind was in turmoil. I wanted the ghost of Mum to visit me. This did not happen. I found some old photos and were looking at them. They were pictures of everyone in my family smiling. It made me realize how much I missed Mom and Dad. It is sad how things can change in one year. There were also many pictures of me dressed as a girl. You could never see that the girl in the picture was born as a boy. I was also smiling in the pictures. This was a strange feeling. I remember this time as a time when I was confused. I did not know if I was a boy or a girl. Yet in these pictures, I looked so happy. This made me think of the time when Sarah and I did the drag show. I remembered how I accepted that I was genderfluid and was happy. Things were so different now. Was I finally growing up and becoming wiser?

---

May 11, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Annie was bullied again. A group of classmates drenched her by pouring a bucket of water over her. Noah was of course the ring leader. Annie sat on the floor and was left alone crying. I tried to comfort her but she was in a world of her own. I could see how afraid she was. The teacher came and helped Annie. Annie was sent home. This made me so mad. I am sure that Annie was not the only one at school that wet the bed. Maybe it was even a problem that Noah had and this was why he was so mean. I know it's wrong to hate a person, but Noah does make this very hard.

When I was home, Granny told me that my teacher had promised to tutor me. I do not think I needed tutoring. Granny decided that I did. It would take my mind off of other things and make sure I had a good start at military school. What she meant was that it would make sure that I did not think of dressing like a girl again. I did not answer Granny when she told me about the tutor. This must have annoyed her. I bet she wanted me to get on my knees and kiss her shoes while thanking her.

Granny has been trying to be very nice to Sarah and me lately. This did not work. We no longer trusted her or wanted her in our lives. I did what she wanted and still do what she wants. I no longer show the world that I am genderfluid. I am the teenage boy that she demanded that I would be. Granny would try to be as nice as she wanted. It was too late. It was just not me. Sarah was still boycotting Granny. I think that she liked trying to make Granny go crazy.

---

May 12, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Annie did not come to school today and Andrew and me have been avoiding each other.

At home, there was WW3. Sarah was caught smoking at school. This made Granny so mad as she thought that it showed how bad Sarah was. Granny even suspected that Sarah took drugs. Sarah continued her boycott of Granny and never replied to anything Granny said or threatened. Sarah did not even respond when Granny made her usual threat of sending Sarah to boarding school.

Sarah told me later that she tried smoking with some older girls and did not like it. I want to believe her. I also was worried about her. Our life was in chaos and there seems to be little hope that things would be better. Is Sarah unhappy or is she rebelling? Would boarding school be the best for her and give her a structure and let her live in peace from the terror we have living with Granny? What can I do as her brother? Have I been so selfish in thinking about myself that I have neglected my duties as a big brother? Maybe boarding school would be best for Sarah.

---

May 11, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Annie told me that she was going to Bella’s school in the next term. I should have been happy for Annie. She was being bullied for something that she could not help. Bella has been happy at her new school where there was a zero policy for bullying. Students there were different and had different problems and yet supported each other. I am sure that Annie would be happy there. When she told me this, I told her that I was so happy. I asked her if she would still go if her bedwetting stopped. Annie nodded and said that she had to as she was afraid of going to this school.

I hid in my bedroom when I was at home. Life was not fair. Everyone in my life that I loved was leaving. Mom had died. Dad was in a padded cell. Bella was gone. Now Annie was leaving and I was going to a military school. Sarah was threatened with a boarding school and I know that she did not want this. Sarah and I needed each other as a brother and sister. We only had each other. I was wrong when I thought that boarding school may be good for her. Maybe this meant that we try to make Granny happy so she would not send us away. Maybe we needed to stop this boycott.

---

May 14, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I was at Bellas's house with Annie and Andrew. Annie was busy talking about starting at Bellas school. Bella tried to be happy and told Annie that she would be happy there. I did not say much. I think that Bella could see this as she gave me a weak smile to try to cheer me up.

When Annie went home, Andrew complained that he would be alone. Bella tried saying it would be the same for me. I would be alone in a military school. Then Bella made things without knowing it. She said I would miss Annie as she knew that I still fancied Annie.

Andrew and I looked at each other in silence when she said this.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 15- 21, 2016

May 15, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today was a strange day. I thought I would never see it coming. At Church, Noah was sitting in the pews and not in the choir. After Church, Annie told me that Father Immer kicked him out of the choir. I could guess why Father Immer did this. Noah is an evil person that enjoys hurting others. He has a rotten heart and this ends up destroying other's lives. Besides all this, he could not sing. He sounds like a vacuum cleaner full of coal.

This could also be Fr. Immer's way of getting me back in the choir. Annie did tell me the choir was not as good as when I was in it. I tried to be humble when she said this, but it did make me feel happy that I was still needed. I still did not answer if I was coming back to the choir. The reason I did not answer is that I was simply not feeling so happy with life now. I also did not want to do everything that Granny wanted me to do.

Sarah and I visited Dad in the afternoon. He seemed as if he was much better than he was before. He talked a lot about his treatments and how nice the place was. It was a relief that Dad was getting the help that he needed. We needed him, but I could see that he needed someone to help him.

Dad did tell me that I looked different. “You look like me when I look in the mirror,” he said, “You don’t smile and your eyes are blank. I hope you have not given up. I hope you are not defeated by the world.”
Dad was worried about me, despite what he said was confusing. I was not defeated. Still, it showed that he still loved me and was starting to notice me again.

When we came home, Granny was mad that we visited Dad.

---

May 16, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

After School, my teacher visited us to tutor me. We were in the sitting room as she started explaining and teaching. I still do not think that I needed tutoring, but it was nice getting help with my homework and it took my mind off of things. Granny was being very nice and I suspect that this was to show my teacher how great she was and how much we needed her. She tried to get my teacher on her side by telling her how bad and misguided Sarah and I were. This made me want to stick my middle finger at Granny, but I managed to keep calm.

When my Granny went into the kitchen, my teacher told me she did not care if I was in my girl mode or boy mode. This did not make me a good person or a bad person. What mattered is what was in my heart and how I treated others. She also told me that it was also very important how I treated myself. “How can you treat others in a good way when you forget yourself.” This gave me something to think about.

Later, Sarah and I talked. We would stop our boycott of Granny. Our new plan was to be the best angels that we could be for her. We would do what she wanted and be what she wanted. We thought this would make Granny think that her plan to “reform” us worked and she wouldn't be such a tyrant and make our lives hell. We realized that Granny was not going anywhere and we didn’t know if Dad was coming back.

---

May 17, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

Andrew and I had a serious talk today. We admitted that we missed each other as friends. I also admitted that while the kiss was nice, I had conflicting feelings. I did not think that I was gay. This made Andrew laugh as he said we both knew who I fancied. He also suggested that I could be bisexual. This made me think and he could be right. I told him that time would tell if I was or not and I still had a lot of time to discover my sexual identity.

The important thing was that Andrew and I decided that we should be friends and in a way a good friendship was better than if we were romantic partners. I felt good after our little talk. At least something in my life was sorted. I suppose this could mean that the other million problems I had would be sorted.

After school, I visited Billy. We did not talk about Granny or the problems I have. We did talk about that Dad seemed much better. Billy thought that Dad would be away for a long time. Other than that, I helped Billy clean his small flat. Let's face it, he was not a tidy person and would have no problem living in a pig sty. I enjoyed the visit. We were finally becoming closer as brothers and this would have made Mom smile!

Granny was upset I was so late. I did not tell her where I was. Sarah was helping her cook so I did the same. Granny did ask what happened to us so suddenly that we were now two nice children. I hated when someone called me a child. I was a teen! Still, I did not protest. Both Sarah and I put on our best angel faces.

---

May 18, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

After School, my teacher told me that we were going somewhere. I told her that I had to rush home to Granny. She told me that this was important. She drove me to Doctor Mary. If Granny knew this, she would skin me alive.

When I was in Doctor Mary's office, there was some silence for some time. Then she asked me how I was. I do not know what happened to me when she asked this. I started crying. It was just not tears and a few whimpers, It was a total meltdown. I told her everything about my clothes being thrown out, military school, Dad gone crazy and the way Sarah was treated. I could not stop crying. I even told her I saw the ghost of Mom.

When I did stop, Doctor Mary told me. “I cannot change who you are. Your granny wants you to mould you to someone they can understand. This will not work. It will make you depressed and this can have dire consequences. It can lead to self-harm. For the last year, people have been telling you what to be. The mad doctor even screwed with your mind and gave you strange medication. Let's draw a line in the sand. You must start listening to yourself! Be the person that makes you the happiest. This means that can be a boy, a girl, a genderfluid or whatever identity you want. The important thing is that you make the decision and do not care what others think!”

When I came home. I did not tell Granny where I was. Sarah and I were still trying to be angels.

---

May 19, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Noah bullied me at school, but there is nothing new there. He blamed me for him being kicked out of the choir. I responded by saying that it had nothing to do with me. It's because he could not sing. This resulted in him punching me which winded me. It was worth it.

When Sarah and I were doing homework, Granny started to talk about Mom. She said that our mom was always weak and too liberal. I never did understand what liberal meant. When Granny did speak about Mom, it was shocking. She told us how she was ashamed and embarrassed about our mother. She thought that mom was a wimp as a child and she married the wrong man. She was a bad mother and should never have had children.

When Granny was speaking badly about Mom, I poked Sarah to tell her we should not get mad or respond. We continued being angels. This being said, deep down I was boiling mad. Granny had no right to speak about my mother like that. She said many mean and hateful things. Did my grandmother have a heart?

When I was in bed later, the ghost of my mom was sitting on my bed. She was smiling. We did not speak. She just held my hand. The only time she spoke with me was when she said not to give up hope and to fight for my rights. As she was fading away she smiled once again and said, “I did hear what Granny said about me. I never did like that woman and, sadly, she is part of your life now.”

---

May 20, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Sarah and I visited Dad once again. This time, he had some cake and milk for us. He was proud that he found a new hobby in cooking. As he said, he had to do things rather than feel sorry for himself. I was smiling as it was nice to see my Dad getting better and better every time we visited him.

When we were eating cake, Dad told us that he knew that he knew that he has let us down as a father. He should have been there for us when Mom died. He looked at me and said that he should have been there when I was confused about my identity. He told Sarah that every girl needs a Dad that treats them like a princess, and he even neglected that. He asked us if we would forgive him. He did not know when he would be coming home, but he loved us.

We hugged Dad. Of course, we forgave him. We did not tell him though how bad Granny was doing and what she was doing. We did not say that she was seeking custody of us. We did not want Dad to relapse.

---

May 21, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I cannot write too much today. I spent all evening with Sarah crying on my shoulder. She cried herself to sleep. I hate seeing it when Sarah is so sad.

Sarah has a reason to be sad. Granny told us that she has enrolled Sarah in a boarding school for girls. She would be taught how to be a little lady and a good wife in the future.

I am so mad and frustrated. Granny is an evil b*/&. She promised me that she would not do this.

I am done being an angel and trying to please Granny. It's time I do what the ghost of Mom told me to do. It's time to fight back. It's time to stand up to the tyrant.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 22- 28, 2016

May 22, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

I was now done trying to please Granny and acting like her little angel. She promised that she would not send Sarah away if I started acting like a boy. I did everything that Granny wanted. This only made me miserable. I have not been happy for a long time.

In a way, I was mad at myself. I believed that there could be some good in a person and believed at times that Granny was being nice to me. Everyone around me told me that she was manipulating me and trying to make me believe that being feminine was bad and a sin. She was confusing me into believing that I was corrupted and misled. I could not see that not being able to express my identity made me unhappy and just wanted to hide from society and life.

Granny is supposed to be a role model. What sort of role model manipulates others, lies and deceives? Granny made a promise she did not keep. She tried to destroy my spirit and nearly succeeded. If Granny loved us, she would love the way we were and not try to change us. She would not make us go to sleep with tears in our eyes.

I would now take control back in my life, I did not know how I would do this. All I knew is that I would no longer trust Granny or try to please her. She no longer had any power over me.

The first thing I did was at Church. We were all standing outside the church when I went up to Noah and told him, “I know that you are a bully. You have bullied me a lot over the years. I think you must be so sad. You must have some problems and this makes you want to hurt others. I just want you to know that I have prayed for you and I forgive you for everything you've done to me.”

Everyone looked at me when I said this. Noah grumbled something that I was weird. Annie asked me did I think that forgiveness would stop him. Granny told me that she was proud of me. I glared at Granny and told her that I also prayed for her that her stone heart would be cured. This made Granny lose her temper with everyone watching. I was smiling.

---

May 23, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Noah did not bully me today. I now believe in miracles.

After school, my teacher came to our house to tutor me. Granny was once again trying to be nice. I think that the teacher could see through the act. She told Granny that she thought it was a mistake to send me to a military school and Sarah to a boarding school. If Granny wanted to send us away, she should consider the school where Bella went. The school accepted students that would be bullied at a normal public school. These included transgenders, students with weight problems, bladder problems and whatnot. It would be a place where Sarah and I would be accepted and have friends. My teacher thought we would be happy there.

Granny replied that she would not send us to a school that supported our wicked ways. She thought Bellas school was most likely run by communist and socialist liberalists that had no fear of God. She wanted to send us to a school that would not corrupt us further. The boarding school and military school would sort us out.

My teacher asked Granny if she respected us or wanted us to be happy.

Granny did not answer.

---

May 23, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

When I came home from school. I decided to make a video for my youtube channel. Let me write to you what I decided to tell the world.

“I have something to tell the whole world. I was born a boy and for the first 13 years of my life, I was happy being a boy. A year ago I forgot my clothes when we went to Greece and wore my sister's clothes. There was a picture of me as a girl in the newspaper. My aunt sent me to some crazy doctor that gave me medicine that I would always be small and she screwed with my mind so that I started thinking it's okay to be a girl.

I tried modelling and even had a chance to be on Netflix. I was not known for this though. I was known as the boy that liked to dress as a girl or act like one.

I considered myself gender fluid. I considered myself unisex. I could dress as a boy or a girl. My family ended up supporting me and I was happy. I even did a drag show with my sister. We did not win, but it was so much fun.

My mom died and Granny moved in. Dad is in the hospital so Granny is in charge. She tricked me and manipulated me and blackmailed me not to be girly anymore. I tried doing what she wanted and gave up my girl's things. She took all my girlish clothes anyhow. Since I have done this, I have been sad and depressed. Granny did not care. She is a tyrant and evil. She wants to send me to military school and my sister to boarding school. She doesn’t love us, does she?

Now I have decided that I will no longer listen to Granny or others. I am genderfluid and I am proud of it. I can be a boy when I want to. I can also dress and act like a girl when I want to. This may mean I get bullied and people like Granny think I am a bad person. This is their problem. I never want to hurt anyone, but I think I am old enough to decide my identity. If others do not respect me, then it's them who have the problem”

I went to bed smiling and proud of myself.

---

May 23, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

After school. I searched the whole house and found the key to Sarah's and my rooms. I then locked our rooms. I told Sarah we should lock our rooms so Granny could not take our things. She liked this idea. Granny did not like the idea. I did not care about this. I told her we needed our privacy and we could not trust her that she would steal our things. I expected Granny to put up a big fight or call a locksmith. She just shrugged her shoulder and said that Mom did the same when she was my age. Granny told us we would discuss the keys tomorrow

The first thing Sarah and I did in our new locked rooms was to do another video for Sarah's channel. She sang a song from Christina Aguilera called “Beautiful.” Sarah was a talented singer and her success on Youtube showed that I was not the only one that believed this. The song also had a great message that we should love ourselves.

I was so proud of my sister. I also felt that we had a small victory that our bedrooms were now locked. Besides it meant that Granny could not steal our things, it also showed her there was a space where we did not want her in.

---

May 26, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Andrew was the happiest I had ever seen him. When I asked him what happened, he said that he now had a new boyfriend. His boyfriend was a year older than he was. Andrew hoped that I would not be jealous. I smiled and told him that I was very happy that he found a new boyfriend. What I did not tell him was that I thought this happened very fast. A week or so he kissed me and now he had a boyfriend. I was also afraid that this meant Andrew would have no time for me. He would be doing smoochy things with his new boyfriend. I did not say this to him either. He was so happy and I did not want to ruin this.

When we came home Granny wanted me to delete the video where I told the world I was genderfluid. She also told Sarah to delete hers. I told her that I no longer cared what she wanted and she could sod off.

Granny said that she had a story for us, “When your mother was a teen, she locked her room as well. I could have found a way to open it, but I did not. I wanted your mother to hand back the key to me. It took a bit of convincing and persuading, but she did hand the key back to me. The same will happen to both of you. You will be begging me to take the key back again.”

Did Granny just declare war on us?

---

May 27, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

The video I made admitting I was genderfluid was getting many likes. People were commenting that I should have courage and be true to myself. Many thought that Granny should be locked up somewhere and was just a selfish old fashioned lady. Some supported Granny's stance. I did not care what these people thought. It was me that made a choice. If they do not like the way I am, then they can keep away from me. I did not need negative people in my life.

I visited Annie after school. I showed her the video I have done. Annie smiled and said that it was about time I decided for myself. I asked her if she still had the bag of her old clothes. So I went home with the bag of Annie's old clothes and put them in my wardrobe. I went to bed with a smile on my face.

As I was falling asleep, I saw the ghost of Mom standing in my bedroom. She did not say anything except smile.

---

May 28, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

A gorilla was shot at a zoo today because a three-year-old child managed to get into the gorilla's enclosure. Lots of people said that it was a shame that the animal was shot. It was sad, but I suppose that they wanted to keep the child safe. I know that I will be having nightmares about this.

I wore some of Annie's clothes, leggings and a unicorn shirt. Granny told me to take them off. I told her that she no longer decided what I should wear or how I should act. Then I informed her that I was going over to Bellas. I asked Sarah to come, but she said that she was busy doing something.

Bella was glad to see me. She had seen my video and noticed what I was wearing. She was delighted the Allie she knew was back. I smiled at this. Then Bella told me that there was soon a pride parade and wondered if I would come. She explained it was for gays and transgenders and people that were different. She thought that we should dress up. I was in doubt. I told her that I thought pride was just for adults and besides that, I did not think I was gay. Bella laughed and said we were different. I told her I had to think of this.

When I came home, I tried to find Sarah. I could not find her. I could hear her crying. I searched the whole house. In the end, I found my sister. Granny locked her in the cupboard under the stairs.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 29- June 4, 2016

May 29, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

It was very mean of Granny to lock Sarah in the cabinet under the stairs. I thought this was only something that happened in Harry Potter. It must be illegal to do something like that. The more I thought of it, the more evil it seemed. Granny must have known that Sarah was terrified of the dark and this was a traumatising experience for my sister. Before we went to Church, I told Granny what I thought of her punishment. I told her it was child abuse and if she did it again, I would tell every teacher and the police.

After Church, Noah came up to me and dragged me to a place no one could see us. Then he told me that he was tired of me and all my gay friends. He threatened that it was his goal and purpose in life to destroy me and all my friends. He even said that none of us deserved to be living. Many would see this as a serious threat, but it was Noah. Threatening people was the thing he did best.

At home, I did not visit Bella. I decided to spend some time with Sarah. She was still sad and afraid after being locked up. The poor girl was afraid of what Granny would do next.

---

May 30, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I wore a girl's school uniform that was in Annies bag. Granny was outraged, but I was happy that I could wear what I wanted to wear and not care what people thought. As I left the house, I could hear Granny threaten that she was not done with Sarah yet.

I did not take Noah's threat seriously and maybe I should have. At lunch break, he launched on me and started punching me. There were left punches and right punches. I covered my face with my hands while the punches and the insults flew at me. I was certain that I would be killed or end up in the hospital like Noah did with Bella. I never experienced so much pain as the beating he was giving me.

The teachers did not help, but something strange happened. The other pupils gathered around and pushed Billy off of me. They told him to stop being such a bully and who cared if I wore the Girl's school uniform. I did not deserve to be bullied as I never hurt anyone. This made the pains I had seem to hurt less. I was surprised and humbled by the support I got from my class.

I was taken to the nurse's office and rested. Annie stayed with me and told me that I was very brave. Noah was expelled from the school. To be honest, I felt sorry for him. There must be a reason why he is a bully. OK, I was also happy he was finally gone from school.

Granny came to take me home. She had no sympathy. I was told that this was the result of dressing and acting as someone that I was not intended to be. I think Granny must have been a bully like Noah when she went to school a thousand years ago.

---

May 31, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

I should have rested at home after being beaten up yesterday, but I did not want to spend the day with Granny.

A woman visited the school. Billy was with her. She wanted to know what I thought about Granny having custody of me. I told her everything that Granny had been doing and that she wants to send Sarah and me away. I even told her that Granny had been shouting and punishing Sarah every day now. Sarah is now afraid and unhappy and worried about what would happen next. We did not want Granny in our lives. We did not want Aunty either. The nice lady just wrote down everything that I said and thanked me for being so honest.

I walked with Annie on the way home from school. We talked about how much things changed and being a teen was not easy. Then something big happened. I do not know how this happened, but after I stammered and stuttered, I asked Annie if she would like to be my girlfriend again. I know that we tried it before and that ended badly and I know that she was going to Bellas school and I was going to military school, but love would conquer all. It did not take long for Annie to answer. She said YES and kissed me on the cheek.

I was happy when I arrived home. Annie even sent me a message saying that this was one of the happiest days of her life. I wanted to tell Sarah the good news, but Granny had her standing in the corner. After this, Sarah told me she couldn’t deal with it anymore. Granny was punishing her all the time. Once again, Sarah cried herself to sleep on my shoulder. I did not know what to do.

---

June 1, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Annie and I spent all day holding hands at school. I was in heaven and was so happy. It was a strange feeling being so happy. It seemed like ages since I was.

When school was over, Aunty was speaking with Sarah outside the school. She apologised for not saying goodbye or contacting us. Then she told us what happened. She had no choice but to leave as Granny threatened her with something. Aunty would not tell us what it was but let's face it, Granny was good at threatening people. Since then, Aunty has been getting her life in order. She wanted to help people and not just be some spoiled rich lady. So she now worked at an orphanage. I smiled thinking all the orphan boys were probably wearing dresses by now.. but I did not say anything. Aunty also said that she did not want custody of us. She did this to stall Granny's custody case. Aunty thought we should have patience until Dad was well again.

It was nice seeing Aunty again.

When we were home, Sarah gave her key back. She could not deal with Granny's persecution. Granny had this huge stupid victory smile on her face and said that it was now my turn. I told her she would never get my key.

---

June 2, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

Today was a day of drama. The shed at Andrew's house was on fire. The fire was put out. The police said that the fire was done deliberately. Someone also spray-painted the house with the word “faggot”.

All this made Andrew afraid. He knew that it was aimed at him. Someone did not like or accept that he came out of the closet and now had a boyfriend. Andrew was afraid that someone wanted to harm him and his family. I did not know what to answer. I just listened to him. In my mind, I was thinking about how cruel people could be. How could anyone have so much hate that they wanted to hurt someone? If people knew Andrew the way I did, they would never harm him or his family

---

June 3, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Granny was in a very bad mood today. Her lawyer told her that there was very little chance she would get custody of us. Then Granny asked me what have I been telling people. I shrugged my shoulder and said that the only thing that I have said was the truth. This made Granny threaten me again and tell me that I did not know what was good for me. I would regret the day that I ever went against her.

I took Sarah to my room and locked the door and shouted it was too late, I regret the day that I ever met Granny. Our Mom hated her and so did my aunt. We also hated her and wanted her to go.

When things were quiet, I told Sarah that Bella invited me to the Pride Parade. Sarah also wanted to go. So I told her we would need to find what clothes we would wear. We needed to look like rainbows.

---

June 4, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

I wore purple leggings and a pink tutu and a rainbow top. I even found a toy tiara in Annie's old clothes. I was ready for Pride Parade.

The parade was very colourful. Everyone was in strange and rainbow clothes. I did not like those that showed a lot of skin but some of the outfits were great. There were gay people, transgenders or just people that did not think that it was bad to be different. Everyone was so nice and friendly. The transgender men were them that amazed me the most. It was easy to see that most looked like men in women's clothes. I did not even consider them pretty. In a way, they looked like clowns.

This being said I admired them. They were some of the nicest people I met. One of them told me never let what I wear or look define me, the light that shines from my heart should define me.

Granny was mad when she saw us. Sarah and I were told that our morality had hit an all-time low.

---

To be continued…. The final “episode” of Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

June 5- June 11, 2016

June 5, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

I told Father Immer did not want to rejoin the choir. The choir indeed meant a lot to me and I do miss it a lot. This being said, I told the priest that I was judged to be dangerous and a bad influence on the other boys. Father Immer promised once that he would help me and support me. However, when he was put under pressure he caved in and kicked me out. Being judged is one thing, but a priest was supposed to protect when there was injustice and prejudice. He did not do that. This was just as bad as the ones that judged me. Considering all this, I did not want to be part of the choir.

Granny was mad at my answer and told me that I was a wicked and corrupt child. She spent all afternoon lecturing me that she wanted me to give her the key and the clothes that Annie gave me. I told her no and went up to my room and locked it. This did not stop her from telling me how mad she was that she was we went to the Pride Parade. She thought that the LGBT movement was the devil's work. She could not understand how I could take Sarah with me

I shouted back that Sarah experienced more love and understanding there than Granny had shown the world in a lifetime.

---

June 6, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Strangely, Noah is no longer at the school. Everything is so peaceful.

Annie and I talked about how we could be boyfriend and girlfriend when we went to different schools. I know this will be hard for her. Annie had tears in her eyes thinking about it. I tried to cheer her up by saying that we could see each other during weekends and she would always be in my heart. This sounds like a good thing to say but to be honest, I was just as sad as she was.

When I was home, Granny called Sarah and me for a talk. She told me now it was time for my punishment. She ordered me to go into the cupboard under the stairs. I refused. That just made Granny have an evil smile on her face as she told me that If I did not do it, then she would be forced to punish Sarah in my place. Then she asked herself where she left her cane.

I looked at Sarah and could see that she was terrified. Once again, Granny knew that I would do anything to protect my little sister.
I crawled into the cupboard under the stairs. Granny locked it and told me that she would let me out when I agreed to hand over the key and Annies old clothes and promise never to go to Pride again. I did not answer.

It was dark in there and the air was not very good. I do admit that I was frightened. It helped that Sarah sat outside and talked nonstop to keep me company. I think that she thanked me a few thousand times for doing this for her.

---

June 7, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I slept in the cupboard. I tried to be brave and think that if Harry Potter could survive, then so could I. Granny told me that it was time to go to school and would I give her the key and the clothes, I shouted no back to her. I could hear an evil laugh from her as she said that I would be staying in the cupboard and would not go to school. She told me that Sarah would not be keeping me company as she was locked in her bedroom. This was just typical for Granny. She was now punishing Sarah even though she promised she would not do it.

I was hungry and very thirsty. I did not have anything to drink or eat since yesterday. I wondered how long it would take me to die. The one good thing about this is I could be a ghost and haunt Granny for the rest of her life.

The ghost of Mom appeared and told me to be brave. Then there was suddenly food and some milk in front of me. This proved that the ghost of Mom was just not my imagination or maybe I was just hallucinating that there was some food and milk. It did not matter. It tasted so good. Mom kept me company all day and finally told me that it was time to sleep.

When I woke up, there was a lot of shouting. I was very confused. I was more confused when it was Dad that opened the door and let me out. Sarah was excited and kept on saying that Dad was finally home

After the family hugs, Granny was asking Dad if he should not be in the hospital. She was also mad because Dad was interfering with her punishment. Dad told her in a stern voice, “I am their father and so do not worry, I am very well thank you. I am not the one who should be in a padded cell. You should be! I do not care how late it is. I want you to pack your bags and go. You are never to come back again. If you try to get custody of them or even try to contact them again, I will press charges against you for child abuse. Now go and pack your bags and get out of our lives!”

I told Granny that I would be a gentleman and open the door for her.

---

June 8, 2016
Wednesday
Dear Diary

Granny was gone. I found this so hard to believe.

Dad told me that I was not going to school today. I needed clothes if I was genderfluid. I needed boyish and girlish clothes as well as make-up. We were going shopping.

Then Dad told Sarah that she was not going to school either. It was time that she was spoiled as well. So we would go shopping for her as well.

We shopped and shopped and in the end, Dad told us that we should have a milkshake.

He explained what happened, “After your mother died, I could not deal with it. She is the love of my life. I did not know how I would raise you two alone. I fell you apart, and Granny suggested that I get some help. I thought she was trying to be nice and trying to help me. This was not true. She was just trying to keep me out of the way.

I got some help and I could see how bad of a father I have been. I was afraid to come home and leave the hospital. I was thinking only about myself and feeling sorry for myself. This was despite Billy and even Allie’s teacher visiting me and telling me that you needed me.
Then something strange happened. I had a vision of your mother. She looked like a ghost. She told me everything grandmother was doing and that I needed to man up and go home and be a father. It was good that I did!

Now I am here. It is time that we try to be a family, a family that your mother would be proud of!”

---

June 9, 2016
Thursday
Dear Diary

You would think that the gossip of the school today would be that Granny locked me up like Harry Potter or that Annie was my girlfriend. This was not talked about.

You will not believe this, but Noah was arrested. It was him that set fire to Andrew's house. This means that he would probably spend his teenage years in a juvie.

There is justice!

---

June 10, 2016
Friday
Dear Diary

Dad told us that we had to speak

“Let's start with Sarah. You are my little princess and always will be. I wish that you would not get older, but you will. I trust that you will make the right decisions. I want us to have father and daughter days, where we can have fun and have a better relationship. You must have someone that you can trust and discuss things with. I want to do this and hope you will trust me enough to be open with me.

Allie, you are genderfluid. It took me a long time to accept this. This is your choice. I will support you no matter if you are genderfluid, transgender, a boy or whatever. Your family will be your support and be a rock where you can feel safe and loved.

Both of you were told that you would be going to other schools. Sarah, you will not be going to boarding school. Allie will not be going to military school. I am sending you both to Bella’s school. Here you will get a good education that will nourish your mind and personality. I am sure that you both will be happy there.

One more thing. I want us to be together as a family. I spoke with the headmistress at your new school and she offered me a teaching job there. We will be together as a family”

After we hugged, I rushed to tell Annie and Bella that we would be at the same school!

---

June 11, 2016
Saturday
Dear Diary

This is the last page. There is only one thing I can write.
I am the luckiest and happiest teen in the world!

---

To be continued… the author writes his thoughts on the characters and answers some questions.

Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

Some final notes

Thank you for reading this story. I usually do not do this with my stories, but here are some thoughts I had while writing this story

This story was an experiment. I wanted to explore the teenage years of a boy and how people around him and events influence him. I wanted to make this a soap opera. This meant a few things.

- What some readers noticed is the constant problems and good times that overlap each other. This means the mood also changes. Some have said it was very light in places and dark in other places. This is life.

- People come and go in our lives. This can be seen in this story.

- People also are quick to judge. This can be hard for anyone. It must be very hard for a teen.

- Being a teen is not easy. Teens have to "grow up" and find their place in the world. Peer Pressure, the media and parent expectations do not help a lot.

- This is a diary which means we only get Allies views. This means we do get to know what other people are doing or thinking.

Some may consider this to have a happy ending, that happened a bit too quickly. again we do not hear much about Dad's recovery to health because Allie does not know. While this has a happy ending, it does not mean the challenges that Allie has is over. The things he experienced will affect him for life.

While this story seems to be a favourite with many, it is not my favourite. I do not even know if I am proud of it. This being said it was fun to write. I have decided that I will make a spin-off of this story, that will be fun to write and a better quality and structure.

Now here are some of the thoughts I had about the different characters in the story, which could include what I would imagine their future to be.

The Teacher: There have been different teachers in the story. Some did not understand Allie. They were some of the people that judged them. Other teachers promised help but did nothing. The last teacher did care about Allie and did her best to help. One area in which she failed is to protect him from Granny. She could have contacted Social Services. Teachers have an important role in a student's life. They are like an extended family. The education system failed Allie. The teachers did not give support. They even turned a blind eye to the bullying.

The crazy doctor: She used subliminal messages so Allie would think that it's okay to be feminine and even babyish. She used drugs to make him smaller, stop puberty and weaker. While the crazy doctor is very sci-fi-like, there is an element of reality here. Some doctors promote transgender issues so much that you wonder how much their influence has on a child's decision. There is also a question if giving puberty blockers or hormones is best for the child. There is more and more criticism of that later. When is a child too old to decide? The question here is if we have crazy doctors or doctors with their agenda in real life. This is one character I could have expanded upon.

Bellas's Grandmother: She was important at the start of the story. She represents the grandmother or aunt in many stories that have no problem punishing the child or teen by petticoat dressing or age regression. I would imagine some readers would love this while it provoked others to think it was abuse. Bellas's grandmother gave Bella a home when her parents could not accept her, but punished her by regressing her as a baby. Maybe it was a blessing that Bella went to a boarding school. When it came to Allie, the grandmother did support him by allowing him to dress as a girl. So she was a person that had a good side and a dark side.

Father Immer: This is a coward in the story. He understood that Allie was different and feminine at times. He tells Allie that he is always there for him and Allie could talk with him at any stage. Allie does not do this. There was no trust. This trust was crushed when Allie was kicked out of the choir. He was afraid of other parents' reactions and fear because of a different boy and they could not accept this. Fr. Immer could have stood up for Allie and told these parents that he was not a bad influence on their children. It was easiest for him to kick Allie out. Yet, it took him a long time to kick a bully out. He took away the one bit of happiness Allie had and only wanted Allie back when he was more normal. Father Immer represents the church that should protect people but turn a blind eye.

Doctor Mary: She represented a person that listened to Allie and let him express himself. She offered him the help that he needed and had patience. She wanted Allie to find his inner self and accept it and decide for himself. She is the hidden hero of the story.

Billy: Being a big brother can be hard. Many readers did not have sympathy for Billy. He was jealous that Allie got so much attention and he could not understand why his brother suddenly acted and dressed like a girl. Billy was also finding his identity and had to deal with peer pressure, the media and whatnot. Billy had an important role in the story as a sibling that found it hard to understand and accept. He missed the attention he had when he was younger. He does end up accepting Allie and they become close. Billy will never have a good job and will most likely be single for the rest of his life. But he will do a lot of charity work and he will be close to his family.

Andrew: Andrew is the sidekick in the story. He challenges Allie's sexual identity. He is the best friend a person could have and at times, it's as if Allie takes him for granted. Andrew is the one person that did not go to Bellas's school. Still, this could be a good thing. Andrew now has a boyfriend and his school will change their policy on bullying. Andrew would have a good life. He will end up as an accountant and live with an older man. He will lose contact with Allie, but Allie would remain one of his fondest memories.

Mom: She was a very careful mom and tended to try to get answers from books and others. This is because she felt she was unloved as a child and not wanted. She wanted her family to be a close loving family. She has a son that suddenly dresses and acts like a girl. This must be a hard challenge for most families. Still, Mom does accept and support Allie. Some readers think she supported him too much. One thing that Mom's insecurity and wish for a happy family lead to is forgiving her sister for trying to kill her. I think the wise thing to do was to forgive but say you do not want someone that tried to kill you in your life or around my children. She was too kind in this situation. After her death, Allie saw his mother as a ghost. So did his Dad. Was she a real ghost? I will let this be an open question and let the reader decide.

Dad: This was a character that many readers did not like. He did not like the idea of his son being feminine. This is a normal reaction as Dads dream of doing manly things with their sons. He was also afraid of how Allie would be treated at school or by society. Dad's reaction was based on his ambitions and the love he had for Allie and how worried he was. This being said, his reaction was harsh and only made things worse. Allie did not believe that he was loved at one stage. Allies Dad does change and does his best to accept Allie. This was not easy but he does his best. His world falls apart when his wife dies and this can be understandable. It also shows that he found it hard to have empathy and be there for his children. In the end, he does take his role as a father and saves the family as well as thinking of a better future. Dad has an important role. He represents the parent that finds it hard to accept that his child is different, but in the end, his love for his children helps the family. He also has flaws and good sides, like any human being.

Granny: She is the villain of the story. She does love her children and her grandchildren but cannot show it or has no clue how to be a parent or guardian. She expects children to be perfect and like the children that we see in the 1950s. In other words, she sees them as trophies. When children do something she doesn't like, she has no problem punishing them. A good family for her is children that do what she says. Otherwise, she will use blackmail, threats and punishment to keep them in line. She does not care about children's personalities or happiness. She cares more about how others see her children and grandchildren as normal, well-behaved and good Christians. She lies, manipulates, and punishes, but does not see this as cruelty. The end justifies the means is her motto. She was finally kicked out and moved back to her house. She remains bitter for the rest of her life as she has no contact with her family. She thinks they do not appreciate the help that she gave and thinks the devil himself has corrupted Allie and her family. She ends up dying bitter and alone.

Aunty: She is who I consider the true villain of the story. She hates men and boys and does her best to convince Allie that he is a girl. She even takes him to the crazy doctor and tries to kill his mom. She does change her ways and is forgiven. She is more dangerous now as it's not so clear what she does and she hides behind the reformed aunt role. She was quietly given support to Allie and manipulated him more than Granny did. She even persuaded him to do a drag show. She made Allie feel more loved when he was feminine. She told Allie he could decide his identity, but she did her best to influence him. Aunty abandoned him and left him in the clutches of Granny. All in all, Aunty is a selfish person that resembles her mother a lot. She finds it hard to think of others and will try to manipulate and get her way. After she left Allie and Sarah, she started to work in an orphanage. This orphanage and Aunty will be part of the spinoff story that I plan

Bella: Bella and Allie had a special connection from the start. He could see that she was different and indeed she was. She was born intersexed but this never bothered Allie. He looked at Bella as a person, and not what her body looked like. Bella was Allie's main support at the start. She was honest and said what she thought. She wanted him to love himself, no matter what he wore or how he acted. She did prefer him as a girl though. She felt that she was not alone in being different when he was feminine. Many readers hoped that they would be romantically involved. This did not happen. Bella was Allie's soulmate and someone he could open up to. They will always be soulmates and best of friends.

Sarah: Some readers said that Sarah was their favourite character. In the beginning, she was a pesky sister. Sarah felt left out in the family. She had two brothers and at times she felt lonely. When Allie started to dress as a girl, then she liked this and this was because Allie spent more time with her. Sarah was also the first person to accept Allie as being feminine. She grew up a lot in the story and the sibling relationship became very strong. They supported and tried to protect each other. At times, they were more than siblings. They were a team and found strength in each other. The story started with Allie having talent and finished with Sarah being the most talented one in the family. She will always be close to Allie, and end up being a singer in her life. She will have children and be a devoted mother.

Annie: This was the hardest character to do and make believable. At the start, everyone thought that she was a bad girl which only hurt Allie more and more. Annie wanted to be one of the popular girls and she succeeded very well for most of the story. We all hated her when she treated Allie like a baby doll and wondered what did Allie see in her. Then we started to get a glimpse of who Annie was. The image she had at school was an act to protect herself. She admired Allie and his bravery but she did not want to be bullied like he was. She had a secret. She wet the bed herself and when this became public, she no longer needed the pretence and trying to be so popular. When Annie was allowed to be herself and not pretend to be someone else, she was likeable and even a good friend. She will end up marrying Allie and dedicate her life to human rights causes.

Allie: Would Allie have been feminine if his aunt did not manipulate him or if he was not brainwashed by the crazy doctor? The answer is no. This being said, Aunty and the crazy doctor just bought out feelings that were hidden someplace in him. He did not put up much of a fight. One thing to notice about Allie is he goes through several phases

- at the beginning, he was a normal teen with normal thoughts. There was some humour at the start which quickly was demolished.

- Allie was confused for a long time. He listened too much to what others thought and it took him a long time to reflect on how he felt or wanted. Allie was easily influenced and this only added to his confusion

- Allie finally decided he was genderfluid. He could act and dress the way he wanted. The problem was he had to deal with people's judgement and what society expected

- Granny finally manages to make Allie doubt and think that being different was wrong and immoral. Allie tried his best to be a boy. Still, he listened to others and this made his brain think too much. He could not see how unhappy he was.

- In the end, he decides it's his life and he decides. He does not care what people think. The darkness he had to go through was replaced with happiness and hope.

Allie also had flaws. He did think the world revolved around him. He also was capable of hurting his friends and family. These flaws do make him more human.

I believe that many teens are like Allie. They have one crisis after another and they are bombarded with messages from the media and others on how they should look and act. Despite Allie's weaknesses, he was very strong. Many teens would have tried to harm themselves or just surrender and be like others wanted them to be.

Allie did grow up in the story. He will be more happy and confident at the new school. He will end up working as a social worker and being married to Annie. Allie will always consider himself genderfluid. So he could be masculine one day and feminine the next day.

---

Thank you for reading this story. I hope you will like the upcoming spinoff story called “Orphan Petal”. I am so excited about this. Some of the characters here will have guest roles in this story.

Echoes of the Past 1
Being a mother is the best thing in the world, but nothing prepares you for it
What do you do when your son is different from other boys?
What do you do when he does not want to be older?
What do you do when he does not want to be a boy?
What do you do when he says you are not his mother?

Being a parent is one of the blessings in the world. Since I was a girl, I always wanted to be a mother. I had a small family of dolls that were spoiled. The dolls never caused trouble and never worried me. The only thing that I was worried about was what they would wear and how pretty they would be. Years later, I remember the joy I had when I heard that I was pregnant for the first time. I would finally become a mother and live the perfect life. Having children is not the same as having dolls. Children give you grey hair before it is your time.

My daughter Emma was my first-born daughter. She was always an easy child. She never cried and even when she was toilet trained, she just decided that she wanted no diaper and that was it. It made me ask why many parents complain about getting children out of diapers. As Emma grew older, she was a very reasonable and intelligent daughter. At times it was as if she was more of an adult than her parents. I was always so proud of Emma and loved her more than is possible.

When Emma was 3 years old, I was once again pregnant. This time I gave birth to a boy. Jordan was not like his big sister. He cried a lot and constantly needed attention. It was a huge struggle to get him out of diapers. Despite that we had very little sleep since he was born, I was also proud of him and loved him equally to his big sister. Maybe Jordan would not be as intelligent as his sister and not as sensible, but Jordan would have his qualities such as being kind and wanting to help people. He also was charming and had a smile that would melt a heart of stone

My husband was the man I loved since I was old enough to fall in love. He had a good heart and treated me like a princess. His parents were not the best of parents and pretty much ignored him all his life. This made my husband wonder if he was loved or not. It also made him want to learn from his parent's weaknesses. My husband wanted a close family and that everyone was happy and felt loved and wanted. This is what I loved about him. He wanted the best for us!

We were devout Catholics. The local priest was a regular guest at our house. He was never short of advice when it came to family. He would tell us how to be better Catholics. He thought that a close family unit which loved each other and supported each other was a foundation for a child's upbringing. “A family that prays together stays together”

It was time for Jordan to start school. This made me feel so old. It was a major step in his life where he would leave the clutches of his family and go out in the world to meet new friends and gain knowledge. He was very excited and confused at the same time. He did not know what to expect or if he would get new friends. At the same time, he was proud that he could now be considered a big boy. I was just as excited as he was. So many pictures of him were taken in his new school uniform. This made me try and remember my first day of school. I could not remember it which made me think again that I was getting old.

Jordan did make friends and he loved learning. His teacher would tell me that it could be annoying at times. When the teacher tried to teach something, then Jordan would say that he already knew what was being taught. This made me smile as there was no way that this could be true.

Jordan loved going to school. I always thought his big sister was the intelligent one, but Jordan knew everything that was being taught. The good thing was that he had lots of friends. Both the boys and girls liked him. This was despite that Jordan did not like sports like other boys. He would rather do quiet activities. This did not worry me as he was happy and had friends. Jordan would always ask me if he could have a playdate with someone from the school or he would ask if he could visit them. This made me very happy as I always thought that having good friends was just as important as getting a good education.

I think that things started to change after Jordan started at school. One day when he was visiting a friend, his dad went to pick him up. When they came home, Jordan ran to his room in tears and my husband was very mad. I found out that when my husband went to pick his son up, he found that Jordan was playing dress-up with his friend. My husband was not mad that he was changing clothes with a girl. He was mad that his son was wearing a dress with tights. I wondered what the problem was. My husband was yelling saying that he was afraid that Jordan was turning gay. He did not want our son to be a sissy or anything like that. I had to tell my husband to shut up as we were no longer in the middle ages. Wearing a dress once in a game did not mean our son was a sissy or even gay. It was just a game that he thought it was fun.

The matter was forgotten. Jordan was now 10 years old. I am sure that Jordan still played dress-up with his friend. He was just smart enough not to be caught. I debated with myself if I should speak with him or not about wearing girl clothes. There were a few things that stopped me from doing this. I was not sure if he was even playing dress-up. On top of that, I would be making a mountain out of a mole hole by discussing it. I do not think it was wrong that he had this fun. I was told that he got changed in the bathroom while she changed in her bedroom. For them, this was just a fun game. It is the adult mind and prejudice that we had that made such an innocent game look like it was the worse thing they could ever do and harm them for life.

Time went on and we could see that this was not just a fun game he wanted to play. Jordan wanted to dress up as a fairy for Halloween. This made my husband go crazy. There was no way that he wanted his son to go out in public as a fairy. It was bad if our son was "one of those drag kids" or even worse if he was gay. Of course, Jordan was determined to wear a fairy costume. There was a standoff between them. They both looked at me for support. In a way, I wondered if this meant that Jordan was more feminine than we thought he should be. I also thought if he would turn out gay. These thoughts were going around in my head and it did not make me think that Jordan was less perfect or he was damaged. On the contrary, I saw him as a boy that was not afraid to experiment and be what he wanted. I tried telling my husband that this was Halloween. Children dressed up in different costumes and this did not mean that they identified as the person they were dressed at. It was just a chance to have fun and use their imagination.l It would be wrong for us to ruin this experience for him and turn it into some social-political issue. It did not matter what I said. Jordan was not allowed to wear the costume. He refused to celebrate Halloween and stayed in his bedroom.

Something happened between Jordan and his father after this. It was as if there was now a huge wall between them. I could not understand my husband who wanted Jordan to be a certain way and could not accept him for the way he was. If Jordan liked being feminine... who cared? If he grew up to be gay... who cared? The only thing that mattered to me is that he was a nice person and treated others right. We could not force him to be a certain type of person. This was something my husband did not understand. It seems as if he wanted Jordan to be a typical boy that was good at sports and was very masculine. This meant that he was constantly criticizing his son. The atmosphere between the two was becoming very toxic, and to be honest, I did not know what to do.

Jordan started wetting the bed which was hard for him. This meant that I had to get him some Goodnight pullups to wear in bed. Jordan accepted this but it was obvious that he did not like it. He would ask me why he suddenly wet the bed as he was too old to do that. It did not help that my husband had nothing good to say about it. I was very proud of his older sister that did not tease and supported him the best way she could. I was also worried about why he started wetting the bed. I wondered if it was something mental What was going on in his mind? Was it because of the Halloween drama and the conflict he had with his Dad? The one thing I knew was that I could no longer stand by and think that things would sort themselves out. I needed to have a mother-son talk with Jordan.

" You should have a sleepover sometime," I said
" Mom, there is no way I would ever have a sleepover again in my life" he snorted back.
" Why not, you like sleepovers"
" Look at what I have to wear. I do not want anyone to know I have to wear diapers"
" They are not diapers, and you will get better again. You have many friends at school. If they knew you wet the bed, they would accept it. That is what friends do."
" I do have friends, but they say I am weird, They think I am different."
" How?"
" They think I look like a girl. I could get my hair cut, but I hate short hair. I do not like the things that the boys do. They heard that I play dress-up with Elizabeth. Some think this makes me a sissy and gay."
" What do you think?"
" I know it's not normal for a boy to like girl clothes and toys. Even my own Dad thinks that I am weird. The thing is that I like when we dress up and play at her house. When I wear her clothes, I do not think that it is wrong. I feel happy and comfortable. I feel more like me. Then when others tease me about it or Dad gets mad, I get all confused. It makes me feel guilty as if it was a very bad thing that I have done."

My eyes were welling up. I hugged Jordan and there was silence for some time. Then I told him that he was not strange or weird. His bedwetting would get better. If he liked playing dress-up with Elizabeth, then it did not make him a sissy or gay. He was too young to know his sexual orientation and being gay was not bad. I told him that he could invite Elizabeth here when he wanted and if they wanted to play dress-up, they could use the old clothes from his big sister. They could also play with her toys. This would be when Dad was at work. What he did not know could not hurt him.

Jordan was delighted at this new arrangement. His Dad did not know and his sister supported him. I could see that Elizabeth was a good friend. She never forced him to play dress-up or do anything. It was always Jordan's initiative. He even told her that he wet the bed. Her answer made me smile, "So what, many wet the bed."

I was thinking that this was just a phase that he was going through. This was not the case. A few months when we were eating dinner, Jordan took a breath and said. "I know you will not like what I have to say. I know you may get mad at me. Dad, you will blow your lid off. However, I have to tell you this. God made a mistake when I was born. I was not supposed to have a boy's body. I am not a boy. I am a girl."

Echoes of the Past 2
Being a mother is the best thing in the world, but nothing prepares you for it
What do you do when your son is different from other boys?
What do you do when he does not want to be older?
What do you do when he does not want to be a boy?
What do you do when he says you are not his mother?

So our son just told us that he was a girl. There was silence around the table just trying to take this in. The first to speak was my daughter that said it was cool to have a sister. Then my husband screamed at Jordan, "God does not make mistakes. You were born a boy and this can never change! You are not a girl. You are becoming a fairy sissy and a gay boy. This is something I would not allow!"

I could hear Jordan crying in his room. When I went up to him, he insisted that he was not a sissy. He was a girl. Why could we not see this? Why could we not accept this? I did not know what to say. I hugged him and told him how much I loved him. We would find a solution and he should not worry. This was a weak answer but I was so confused. I wanted the best for Jordan but did not know what this was. I did not know what to tell him.

My husband invited the priest over the next day and told him that Jordan thought he was a girl. The priest sighed and said, "The children today are confused. The boundary between right and wrong is very blurry. There are so many people trying to influence children. Look at the media! Look how celebrities act and dress. Let's not mention that the LGBT movement is forcing its ideas on our youth. How many towns now have a pride parade? Your son has been bombarded with this propaganda and was brainwashed by them!"

Of course, my husband believed in everything the priest said. This made my husband think now was the time to act. Over the next few weeks, he forced Jordan to do every masculine activity he could think of. They played sports, went fishing, went to car rallies and bought Jordan toys like toy guns and footballs. This did not help. Jordan hated it. He started to isolate himself more in the room and was very quiet. My son that was always smiling and energetic was now a shell of himself. It was breaking my heart. I knew what the problem was. Jordan thought that he was a girl. His father would never accept this.

As a mother, I had to make sure that Jordan was happy. I knew nothing about transgender children. To be honest, I always thought that it was a strange concept. It was something that dysfunctional families experienced in big cities. Children must have been confused about their gender because of the influence of the media or parents. This was what I thought until now. I was wrong. When Jordan said that he was a girl, I knew that it was from his heart.

My son did not need to be forced to do boy activities. He did not need to be judged or punished. I took Jordan to a specialist for children with gender identity problems. She was a nice woman that asked Jordan everything from what colours he likes, what clothes he likes and what toys. She even asked what films he liked. It was not so much what he liked what she was interested in. She was more interested in why he liked them and what they made him feel. Jordan was smiling after we visited her. He thought that she was a nice woman who listened to him.

We went to her a few times and then she gave her conclusion, "Jordan is not sick nor does Jordan have any mental problems. Jordan feels that she is a girl born with the wrong body. Jordan is not alone in these thoughts. There are two choices you can make. You can tell Jordan that he is a boy and forget how he feels. This could cause many problems and end with depression and much worse. You can also accept Jordan as your daughter and let him live the life that makes him happy. There are medical things we can do to stop the male hormones and he can get female hormones. There is something you should remember. This is not easy for Jordan. It will not be easy for her. Will people accept her or ridicule her? What would happen at school? The most important thing is that she still feels her family loves her."

She was calling my son "she.". I had a lot to think about. Did I want my son to be my daughter? How would he be treated at school? Will others think that he was a freak? What would my husband say? The fact is that it did not matter what I thought. It was important that Jordan was happy and could be the person he wanted to be. It made no difference what body Jordan had or what society expected of him. I wanted Jordan to start smiling again and enjoying life.

I sat down with my family one night and told them what the specialist said. Then I said that it was important that we supported Jordan. Jordan felt as if he was a girl and this was the way we would treat her. I was proud of myself when I used the word "her". Jordan came and gave me a hug and said that she was so happy. I told her that she could use her sister's old clothes until she got her own. You can see that I was now calling Jordan by the female pronouns. While the whole thing seemed strange to me and bizarre and hoping that I was not making a huge mistake, the smile on Jordan's face told me that this was the right thing to do.

My husband did not think so. He remained quiet when I told the family of the changes. When we were alone, he let his feelings out...

"I was so happy when Jordan was born," he said, "I love Emma and she is my princess. With Jordan, I dreamt that we would play football, fix cars and bond as father and son doing male things. What happened to my dream? I now have a son that is a sissy and will end up being gay. I have a rainbow child that will end up as a drag queen. Why did we not decide this together?"

"Because you are thinking of yourself and your needs. We need to think of Jordan and how she feels. We need her to feel happy."

"Stop using the word she"

"Jordan is our daughter now and we must accept this and support her. She will be judged enough at school and by others. Let's show her that her family loves her!"

My husband did not argue any further. It was obvious that he did not accept that Jordan was now his daughter. He hardly spoke with her. Jordan did not seem to care. She was happy once again and this is what matters. We started giving her puberty blockers to stop the male hormones and she was taking female hormone tablets. This was a hard decision as I wondered if could harm her if she suddenly decided that she was a boy again. For the time being, Jordan was delighted that she would slowly have a body that looked more feminine.

It was like seeing a person being reborn and experiencing new things. My new daughter loved fashion and loved looking pretty. Emma taught her how to do her hair. Jordan loved when her hair was in braids. The only thing that Jordan said no to was make-up and heels. This was probably good as who wants to grow up too quick? Jordan made a good girl. She was always happy and chirpy and lit any room that she came in. Despite the opposition from my husband, our family was once again a happy family.

My husband did do his best to change my mind. He invited the priest over and I had to listen to him talk that what we were doing was wrong. "You are corrupting your son by letting the media and the immoral pressure groups corrupt him. There is a trend today that one has to be politically correct and this means that thinking that being gay or a sissy is the norm. It is not right. It is against God's plan"

I retorted by telling him that the Bible also says not to judge.

Jordan was mostly not bullied or teased at school. The others accepted that she was now a girl. We could learn so much from children. They could see that Jordan was no different from the way she always was. The difference now is that my daughter admitted that she was a girl. While some of the older boys did tease Jordan, her friends remained friends and supported her in every way they could.

One would think that this would be the biggest challenge I had as a mother. This was not the case. Just before Jordan turned 11 years old, she started drawing the strangest drawings. It was not the drawings you expect from a girl. The drawings were morbid and scary. They were pictures of knives and dead bodies and a lot of blood. I know that some people say that drawings have a meaning, but I never believed in this. However, now I was beginning to ask myself why Jordan was suddenly drawing these scary pictures. When I asked her, she said it was just some images in her mind.

My husband told me not to worry. He asked did I expect Jordan to be drawing rainbows and unicorns all the time. "These drawings show that Jordan is still thinking like a boy.". When he said this, I just rolled my eyes. I knew that my husband would never accept that Jordan was transgender. It would take him time to accept this. What I could not understand is that it seemed as if he no longer loved Jordan. They never spoke together and never even smiled at each other. I would imagine could see the change in the way her Dad thought of her, and this must be so hard for a child.

I know mothers worried a lot about their children. The funny thing is that I hardly ever worry about Emma. She was so reasonable and never seemed to have worries or problems. She was now a teenager and was mostly a happy girl. She never complained or was depressed. This should have worried me in a way. No teen could be that happy and never have problems. I suppose I used all my energy to worry about Jordan.

I thought that there could be no more shocks and challenges Jordan could give us. How many parents can say that their son now lives as a girl, wets the bed and draws the strangest things? All this may have made Jordan's dad love her less. This was not the case for me. I loved Jordan and wanted her to be safe and happy and feel respected and loved. My challenges were nothing compared to what other children experienced, like having a sickness or being addicted to drugs or even worse.

Jordan was still wetting the bed. She was now having nightmares. I would hear her crying and screaming. When I went to Jordan, she would be in a panic and ask me where her mother was. I would tell her that I was there. This seemed to work for a few nights until she told me that I was not her mother. Despite that this hurt like a knife in my heart, I thought it was just something she said half asleep. This was not the case. One day when I asked her about it, she told me that I was not her real mother.

There was something wrong with Jordan. She started to regress more and more. At first, she started sucking her thumb and then started using a pacifier that she found. She started carrying one of her stuffies all the time. She even asked to sleep in her old cot. My husband was very mad when I agreed to this. I was confused and depressed. Jordan no longer considered me as her mom and she was acting more and more like a toddler every day. What mother would not be worried? I tried to do things with Jordan and Emma like baking and shopping. I hoped that family activities would make things better. My husband did not participate, maybe that was good. Jordan was acting as if she was more and more afraid of her father.

One day Jordan's teacher wanted to speak with me. She told me that Jordan remembered her previous life before she was reincarnated as Jordon.

To be continued

Echoes of the Past 3
Being a mother is the best thing in the world, but nothing prepares you for it
What do you do when your son is different from other boys?
What do you do when he does not want to be older?
What do you do when he does not want to be a boy?
What do you do when he says you are not his mother?

So Jordan told everyone at school that he remembered her previous life. In other words, she thought that she was reincarnated. I could deal with Jordan being transgender and wetting the bed. I could even deal with his morbid drawings. I never expected Jordan to say that she was reincarnated. I never believed in reincarnation. How can we all be reincarnated and the population of the world go up all the time? If there was reincarnation, would the population stay the same?

I tried speaking with my husband about this. He blew his lid when he heard that Jordan now thought that she was reincarnated. Jordan was sent to her room and warned to stop being so weird. This response by my husband saddened me. The way I saw this was that this whole thing showed that Jordan had some problems and she needed our love and support. When I told my husband this and that our daughter needed some help, the only answer I got was that we needed to put our foot down and show Jordan the difference between reality and fantasy.

"What will the next thing Jordan tell the world?" he asked, "Our son thinks he is a girl and wets the bed like a baby. Now our son says he is reincarnated. All this seems to be trying to get attention. Either this or Jordan has huge mental problems and will end up being locked in a padded cell!"

I could understand what my husband was saying. I did not think that Jordan wanted any attention or to be different. I did not know what to do. This was so confusing and I felt like no matter what I did, it would be wrong. I decided not to talk to Jordan about it. I bet you are rolling your eyes at this decision thinking I was putting my head in the sand pretending it never happened. My reasoning was that this was a phase and would blow over. The more we discussed it, the more cemented it would be in Jordan's thoughts.

I did what I thought was the best. Jordan and I had a mother-daughter day at the mall. I bought Jordan new summer dresses, sandals, shorts and everything a girl would want in her wardrobe. Then we went to the hairdresser and trimmed. Jordan now had long hair and the hairdresser put some curls in it. Then we had Jordan's ears pierced. After all that we had lunch at a cafe. I smiled as I looked at my daughter. To me, she was now a girl. She looked like one and thought like one. Jordan was in a great mood and her smile lit up the whole mall. We did not talk about the claims that she was reincarnated. We just enjoyed having a girl's day out and spending a lot of money. When we were home, Jordan hugged me and thanked me for one of the best days of her life. This made me smile. Being Jordan's mother was challenging and I never knew what to do. I felt as if I had done something right by taking her to the mall.

This happiness did not last. I could see that Jordan was becoming more unhappy. This is not an easy thing when you see your 11-year-old become more and more unhappy every day. Jordan was not smiling and would spend all her time in her bedroom. At times, I could hear her crying. I asked her was there were problems at school. The only answer I got there was not to worry. This was not going to happen. I knew there was a problem. Jordan did not want to go to school and would often say she was sick. This school sickness was becoming more frequent and it made me think that there were problems.

I visited Jordan's school and had a talk with the teacher,

"Jordan is not happy at school" she informed me. Duh was the only word that was going through my mind.

"What is happening that makes her so sad?"

"The other children have always accepted that Jordan was different. This seems to have changed. Jordan now gets bullied because she is different."

"I thought that they accepted that Jordan was transgender."

"Maybe they are getting older and this is where boys and girls think differently. They know that Jordan lives as a girl. They do know that she still has a boy's body. I think the other children are confused."

"This is not an excuse to bully. Did you not explain what a transgender is, and that it is not bad and should not be an excuse to bully?"

"Yes, we did explain this. However, we cannot stop them from thinking that Jordan is just gay and that he is strange."

"Jordan is not strange. She is not crazy. This school should do everything they can to stop bullying."

"It's not that Jordan is just transgendered. As you know, Jordan has been very open that she remembers her previous life. Jordan believes that she is reincarnated. This is very hard for others to understand. The bullying started when Jordan admitted that she was reincarnated. The others think that she is too different now"

The teacher told me how Jordan was bullied. She was teased and pushed and sometimes even hit. A few times, the girls would not allow her in the girl's bathroom. She was even "pantsed" where the others would shame her to the extreme. After the teacher told me all this, I understood why my daughter was so sad. It made me want to cry as well. The teacher also seemed to support the bullies. I was told that Jordan needed professional psychological help. I left the school wanting to scream.

Jordan was getting more and more depressed. She started wetting herself during the day. She asked if she could wear diapers all the time. I could not say no to this as I could understand that it was no fun wetting yourself and being in wet clothes. At the same time, I knew that this could be more teasing and bullying if the other children found out. It did not help that my husband did not support the diapers and his only answer was that Jordan needed a spanking. This would never happen. I would never allow my children to be spanked.

I decided to take Jordan to a psychiatrist. My husband was mad about this but I got my own way when I asked if he could not see that Jordan was so unhappy and we needed help. Jordan needed help. The shrink had a long talk with Josie and then wanted to speak with me.

"Jordan does feel that she is a girl." The psychiatrist said, "And I think your approach was right. Support Jordan's identity as a girl. Jordan loves when you and her do mother-daughter things together. Now here is the thing. Jordan thinks she was a girl in her previous life. She believes that she is reincarnated. Some children claim this although they are usually younger. It can be because of several things. It can be false memories, a vivid imagination, attention seeking or dissociation. She can be mentally disconnected from reality. "

"What can I do?"

"Studies show that this will blow over. The best you can do is to remain calm and listen to Jordan. Validate her feelings and let her express herself. This will most likely just be a phase. Do not pressure Jordan to explain why she is reincarnated, let her explain in her own time"

After this, I went out to Jordan who was in the waiting room. She had watery eyes and asked me if she was crazy. I hugged her and said of course not. Jordan asked why she had to be so different. I could not answer this. We went to a cafe and just talked about normal things. We both managed to smile. However, I knew that Jordan's head was in turmoil. She most likely was afraid that there was something wrong with her. She did not choose to be different. It's just the way she was. I did not love her any less. She was my youngest daughter and there were no limits to my love. My head was also in turmoil. What could I do to help Jordan be happy?

My husband took matters into his own hands. He invited the priest over to have a talk with Jordan. The priest wasted no time in telling Jordan how corrupt, misled and how much of a sinner she was.

"God made you a boy. You cannot change God's plans for you!" he said

"God does not want you to fall in love with other boys. It is against nature and it is disgusting and one of the greatest sins!" he continued

"The whole idea that you think you are reincarnated is also foolish. You read the Bible and you know that we go to heaven." the priest rolled on.

I could see that Jordan was squirming around in the chair. She was pale and looked like she wanted to be in any other place. Jordan did not answer the priest and this was probably wise. The priest was not willing to discuss anything. After he left, I was mad at my husband for inviting him. I asked where was the respect and understanding for Jordan. The priest just wanted Jordan to feel guilty and like the worse sinner on earth. It was an inquisition. How would any Dad be satisfied with subjecting their child to this? The thing was that I was to blame as well. I just sat there and said nothing. I did nothing to defend Jordan. This made me feel like an accomplice. Jordan was betrayed by her Dad, treated like dirt by the priest and neglected by me!

I decided not to let this happen again. To be honest, I did not understand what was going on with Jordan. I had no clue what to do or how to cope with it. This being said I had to show Jordan that she was not alone and we loved her. I had to support her and let her know that she was not crazy or damaged goods. She was not a sinner or corrupt. She was a very special child! It was time that I put her first and not my doubts or worries.

Jordan was beginning to regress more. She now wore diapers all the time. She started playing with her old baby toys. When she spoke, she started to lisp and cried very easily. At one stage, she even asked to sleep in her own cot. Jordan was now like a small toddler girl. I did my best to make her happy and show her that she was loved. She got a lot of hugs and I accepted her toddler ways. My husband asked me if this was what I really wanted, our 11-year-old acting like a 2-year-old. Of course, I did not. I just knew that any pressure on Jordan would make things worse. There was a reason why she regressed. Maybe she felt more secure and it was a way for her to hide.

One day she made another announcement when we were eating dinner, "I would like if you do not call me Jordan anymore, My name is Rosie. Please call me Rosie."

To be continued

Echoes of the Past 4
Being a mother is the best thing in the world, but nothing prepares you for it
What do you do when your son is different from other boys?
What do you do when he does not want to be older?
What do you do when he does not want to be a boy?
What do you do when he says you are not his mother?

Jordan always surprised me. Now she wanted us to call her Rosie. I figured this was the name that she wanted to be known to distance herself from the name she had as a boy. Rosies (I should start calling her by that name as this was her wish) Big sister smiled and said that Rosie was a sweet name. I smiled as well and told her that we could respect her wish. I also told her not to be sad if we sometimes called her Jordan as we have been doing this for 11 years.

While her sister and I could accept the new name, my husband did not. He was angry and now refused to speak with Rosie.
" Can you not see there is no end to this nonsense?" he said
" What do you mean?"
" He was born a boy and wanted us to accept he is a girl. He wanted us to accept that he was reincarnated. He then started acting like a baby toddler girl and still does this. Now he wants us to call him another name. What will be next, that thinks he was kidnapped by aliens or he wants us to consider him a dog?"
" Why do you not try to understand Rosie? She is a girl! She thinks like one, acts like one and looks like one. Why do you not love her for the way she is and not what you want her to be?"
" We are his parents and we are supposed to guide him and tell him what is right and wrong. All this is so wrong! You are just mother cuddling him and letting him go deeper into this hole of unreality. You need to be more strict and not so soft!"
"That will not happen. Have you considered that Rosie has been so depressed lately? She has been bullied and teased at school. This could be the reason why she has regressed and started acting like a toddler. She cannot help the way she feels and she is very honest and brave in showing the world who she is. We need to support her and let her express herself. If this means being a girl that wants to be called Rosie, then we must embrace it. We also need to consider a new school where she is not bullied. I am sure this will make Rosie happier and not need to find safety and comfort by acting like a toddler."

My husband snapped and said he would not send Rosie to a private school. He now refused to speak with Rosie or even me. He refused to be in the same room as us. I could understand some things that he said. Was Rosie transgender because being a rainbow child was the fad? Was the pride movement confusing my child? Did Rosie have a problem with reality and fantasy? Children did not come with a manual and I did not know what to do. All I knew was that my husband's approach to punishment and not speaking with Rosie was the wrong approach.

It was my oldest child that gave me the best advice. She was not blind and knew that my husband and I have been fighting and that my husband was isolating himself from the family. Emma told me that she loved Rosie...
"It takes courage," she said, "Rosie could have just been silent and not told anyone that she was a girl. She could have been silent about thinking she is reincarnated. She told us and this has given her lots of problems. The school has been hell for her. Her own father and mother are fighting and she thinks it's her fault. Dad hardly even speaks with her anymore."
"I know all this," I replied. "I love both my children, At times, I feel powerless and confused and do not know what to do"
"Think of what Rosie is feeling. Listen to her and do not judge her. When Rosie told me she wanted to be called Rosie, she told me. I did not say a lot but she was happy
that she could open her heart to me and I listened. She needs a parent that will also listen to her and be there for her. She needs unconditional love!"

It was a bit embarrassing my daughter had to tell me to get my act together. I could see that I was thinking of my own feelings and the confusion was based on Rosie's behaviour versus social norms and religious doctrine. The psychologist tried telling me what to do and now my daughter. Rosie needed a mother that would listen. Listening is a talent that most people do not have and can help with so many problems. Rosie did not need a mother that was worried or confused about what action to take. She needed a mother that would listen and understand her and accept her.

I went to Rosie's bedroom and asked her why did she pick that name? Rosie told me that it was the name she had in her previous life. She remembered her parents and she remembered where she lived. She remembered that she was studying at university. She also remembered many things that she was taught in school in her previous life. All this made me ask her if she considered us our family. Rosie hugged me and told me not to be foolish. I was her mother now and she loved me. Imagine what would happen if she met her mother in her previous life. She would not believe in reincarnation and would think that this was a cruel trick. Rosie told me that she now had a new life and she would live this life as best as she could. It was hard for her at school and she had no friends. She smiled and said she was happy that she was allowed to be a girl and had a mother and sister that loved her.

I tried telling her that her Dad loves her and would accept her in time. Rosie shrugged her shoulders and said, "All Dads are the same. I do not need them"

I took Rosie and Emma on a shopping trip. I loved these trips as we could shop and have a good time. This trip was different. As we were walking through the mall, Rosie suddenly stood and looked very pale. Then she ran up to an old woman and hugged her. Rosie was now crying and calling the old woman her mother. I panicked once again and tried explaining to the woman that Rosie believes that she was her previous mother. The old woman was silent for a while and then asked if my daughter's name was Rosie.

The old man that was with the old woman told Rosie to leave them alone. Rosie looked at him and suddenly looked very mad. She told the man that he was not to talk to her. Rosie said that the old man murdered her. She did not want to talk with him! The man went very pale and in fact we just all stood there and were trying to think what we should say. I finally told Rosie that we should leave these two people alone and do some shopping. Before we left these people, the old woman put a piece of paper in my hand and told me to ring her.

It was her telephone number.

On the way home, Rosie was very quiet. I told Rosie that the old woman gave me her telephone number and I would ring her and ask if we can visit her. Rosie cheered up and even told her father when we came home. I had to explain to him what happened.

Later, when my husband was alone, he told me how could I have let Rosie embarrass our family by hugging a strange woman. I tried explaining the whole situation to him. The response from my husband shocked and saddened me. He started talking about how ashamed he was of Rosie. This was the last draw. I told my husband to pack his bags and leave the house. I no longer wanted him in my or my children's lives. After a lot of shouting and arguing, he finally did pack his bags. I told him it was either I left with the children or he left.

For the next few weeks, I was dealing with the separation. I knew that it would end in divorce. This was hard for me. I still loved my husband and he was the love of my life. At the same time, I did not want his negativity to make things worse for my children. He should not be around a child that he was ashamed of. Rosie did not need to know this. The fact is that after my husband left, Rosie was smiling more. She still acted like a toddler, but at least she was smiling again!

I visited the old woman while her husband was out of the house. She told me the reason why she was surprised my daughter's name was Rosie...
"You see," she explained, "my daughter's name was also Rosie. Your daughter reminded me so much of her. She was such a nice child and made everyone around her happy. She would light up the room with her smile and charm. We had a happy family. When Rosie was 18 years old, she wanted to study to be a teacher. She wanted to help children. We were so proud. She had a boyfriend that my husband did not like because he was a refugee from the Middle East. It saddened me that Rosie had no choice but to announce she would be living with him. She never did move in with her boyfriend. A week before she was supposed to move, she disappeared. We have not heard from her since. This was 14 years ago. I always hoped she just moved far away from us to have a peaceful life but everyone thinks she was murdered."

She showed me a picture of her Rose. She looked so similar to my daughter. I told her everything about Rosie from being transgendered to saying that she was reincarnated. The old woman said this was so bizarre. She did not know what to believe. She did ask me if Rosie could visit her. I agreed and said it would make my daughter so happy.

I did some research on this woman's daughter. Everything was true to what she said. Her daughter never was found. This made me think. I asked Rosie did she know where she was buried in her previous life. Rosie nodded and told me that she knew where and she knew who murdered her. She asked me if she could visit the place. After I thought about it for some days, I agreed to do it and suggested that we should tell the police.

Of course, we did not tell the police that Rosie thought she was reincarnated. Rosie showed me where she was buried in her previous life. It was in some woods and there was no sign that anyone was buried there. Yet I visited the police and told them that I suspected a body was there. The police and I went to the spot. I did not want Rosie there as she was still a child. After some time, the police did find a body buried. The body was identified as the old ladies missing daughter. This shocked me. Could Rosie in fact be reincarnated? It would explain everything

I told the police that they should investigate the old woman's husband. I was hoping they would not ask me how I knew this. They would never believe that Rosie told me that her dad in her previous life killed her. As it turns out, Rosie was right again. When the police interviewed the old woman's husband, he confessed to murdering his daughter. He did it in a rage because she insisted on moving in with her husband

So what about now? I am a divorced woman. We have no contact with my ex-husband. He has a new wife. I do believe that Rosie was reincarnated. It explains why she felt like a girl all along and could point out where she was murdered in her previous life. I have enrolled her in another school and she is very happy there. Since Rosie started at the new school, she made new friends that know she is transgender. Rosie even stopped acting like a toddler although she still does wet the bed. On top of all this, we visit the old woman every week. Her husband is now in jail. Rosie calls her grandmother, otherwise, she says it gets too confusing. We are planning that the old lady will move in with us and be officially part of our family... a grandmother for Rosie and Emma and a mother for me.

Life is strange and unpredictable. I have learned that love and understanding and respect are the answer to many problems.

The End