When I first found BigCloset, it seems like it was full of stories I wanted to read and that -- to be candid -- made me feel more whole.
Nowadays, when I come here, I scan the list of stories, and half the time none of them make me even want to look at them. And I leave with a sense of restlessness, that there's something I'm looking for that I'm not finding, but I don't know what it is.
So I ask myself: has BigCloset changed? Or have I?
As always, I've been compulsively examining myself. Sometimes I think it's to figure out how to make it not hurt so much, or at least so I'll know what hurts. Other times I think it's just so I won't find myself so frighteningly confusing. Sometimes I think I've found something that makes it all make sense. Unfortunately, by the next day, it turns out to be -- or at least seems to be -- gibberish. Like the kid who tries to build towers out of blocks, but it always falls down sooner or later.
Maybe I've changed, but if so, I don't know in what way; I don't ever have a clear enough picture of who I used to be to tell.