Dare to live 1(5)

 

 

If I had a rupture, I wouldn't be able to work in the weight room for months and not be allowed to play in the basketball game. With it being now the middle of October, it meant I'll be back in New Year if I was lucky.

 

 

Note to readers. This is a work of adult fiction. No resemblance to reality should be inferred or expected.
Copyright… We will circle back to it…

 

 

I felt stupid waiting for the doctor to come here into the ER. That's because I was stupid. We were working in the school's weight room and wanted to know our limits. We, I mean, me Lin, short for Linas, and my friends Martin, Jack, and Zigi – all freshmen of South Portland High. I was squatting for the sixth time with forty pounds on my shoulders when there was a sharp pain in my groin and I fell down.

"That's could be a rupture," one of the older boys stated while another one called 911.

It was my luck or faith or whatever that my Dad was on shift and he picked me up and brought me to the hospital's ER. He'd called Mom to come here while he was still on shift.

Back to my stupidity now. I and my friends were fourteen and we were eager for puberty to come. But that thing, puberty had no schedule and it was like a lottery while any change was like a prize. The more changes you get the more luck you had. Eventually, the one with more significant changes was kind of marked by faith as a lucky one.

Jack had already some facial hair, still not a beard but it was hair anyway. Zigi had had a growth spurt and he was now five-ten. Martin's voice started to break and he sounded not like a kid. No one was mistaking him for his mom when he answered the phone. I was still 5'4", sounded like a kid, and was hairless like a baby but I had the biggest Johnson. At first, I was kinda proud but then it was more of a problem than anything. Older boys said some girls liked it big though. It was five inches (don't say you haven't measured it, all boys do) while flaccid and over the navel when erect. So I was wearing a Speedo swimsuit under all my clothes to hide it.

Anything above the presents of puberty we had to make ourselves – muscles, agility, and a good basketball game. We were practicing a lot – an hour every day at the school gym. That's beside me and Zigi competing against each other in my backyard. There my Dad years ago had made a hoop above the garage door. It was for my sister Audra when she was twelve. Dad attached another hoop on the wall later much lower for me while I was six then and failed to hit Audra's hoop. This lower hoop was now used by my twin brothers. Zigi and I were running laps every morning before school. That was first to the bridge over the Stroudwater River. Later to Christchurch and then back to the Cobb Avenue turn where our homes were. That made one mile. We did four laps every day Sunday included. We needed our muscles to grow. We were doing exactly that in the school's weight room together with some older boys. Zigi's Dad had a rupture a couple of years ago and was ‘forced' into lazy dog mode. If I had a rupture like he, I wouldn't be able to work in the weight room for months and not be allowed to play in the game. With being now the middle of October it meant I'll be back in New Year if I was lucky.

 

 

Dad delivered me to the nurse at our city hospital ER.

"I don't believe it's a hernia," he said to her. "Take his blood for screening. Include PSA test please."

And then he left. The nurse took me to the waiting area that was behind the screen and made me change into that ugly gown with my back exposed.

"Lie down on the bed while I take your blood. Doc will be here soon," she said and drew some blood into a vial.

Doc wasn't there yet while my Mom was here maybe five minutes later.

"Have you left Gedas and Minde alone?" I asked her. Those two were twins seven years younger than me and I had to pick them after my practice. There was my older sister Audra who was away for college. Not exactly studying. In an internship or something.

"Don't worry about the twins," Mom said, "I left them at Kowalski's," that's Zigi's home actually, we're next-door neighbors.

"How are you doing now?" she asked.

"There is a pain here," I pointed to my groin. It was a dull pain, my balls ached. I was ashamed to tell my Mom about this.

Some twenty minutes later, Doc came in and the nurse rode the trolley with the ultrasound device on it. Doc prodded and poked my belly and bellow. Then again he asked me to cough and asked "Does it hurt?" It didn't. It was a dull pain and I said so. He asked then if it was painful to pee. Or maybe I'd noticed blood in my urine or maybe I'd noticed something strange in the way I peed? For all his questions I had only one answer ‘no' while there was nothing special here.

He put some goo on my belly and started stroking an ultrasound adapter over it while he stared at the monitor. He said nothing and sighed a couple of times. Afterward, he asked the nurse to clean the goo and then turned his stare to my penis and balls.

"When did the growth spurt start?" he asked.

"Somewhat in summer," I replied, "I hadn't noticed it before the fourth of July."

"Is your penis erect almost all the time?"

"How do you know that?" I asked in shock. I was embarrassed that it was so big not to mention that it was trying to pop to attention constantly.

"I assume the answer is ‘yes' then," the Doc said. I nodded. I didn't want him or anyone else to stare at or touch my penis. It was because of the same reason it might suddenly wake up and stand erect and embarrass me. It was good that the Doc didn't touch it though he examined my testicles (I guess I've named my balls right).

"When did this appear here?" he asked pointing at a dark brown spot on my sack.

"I don't know when," I replied, "I'd noticed it the first time when all this growth started. Isn't it a birthmark?"

"No, it isn't," Doc replied. "Does it hurt or itch or something?"

And again the only answer was ‘no'. Then Doc scratched that spot with a sort of little knife and put what he got into the vial. When he scratched there was that bad smell, the same one I had last week while peeing and I said it to the Doc.

"Why didn't you tell me when I asked?" he reproached.

"You've asked about unusual things and urine never smells like roses."

Doc and Mom both chuckled at this. "Actually, it smells like roses compared to this thing," Doc said.

"So what is wrong with my son?" Mom inquired.

"One thing I know for sure," he said, "your husband was right – it's not a hernia."

"What then?" Mom insisted.

"I have some suspicions but I'll not discuss them before I get the full blood test. And I need the cytological investigation of the tissue samples that I have collected. I'll have some preliminary results in a couple of hours." Doc said. "Let's meet here at eight. Meanwhile, Lin will stay under observation."

 

 

I was put into a room on the third floor. The room was very small and it had a bathroom shared with another room. The nurse said I wasn't allowed to eat and even my drinking was limited. I got half a cup of herbal tea for dinner and nothing more. Both my parents were here before eight. Mom was sitting on the only chair available while Dad was leaning against the windowsill. It was obvious both of them were very nervous, the same as I was.

The doctor came into the room at eight sharply.

"Hello everyone," he started. "As I've mentioned before it's not a hernia. It's most probably prostate cancer. The blood test and some other investigations show it. I say most probably because, for the final statement, an MRI scan is needed. The surgery with post-op biopsy is mandatory. Our MRI scanner is out of order and what about the surgery I'm not sure I'm eligible for it because of Lin's age."

"Wait a minute Doc," Dad interrupted. "Are you sure about cancer?"

"First, you were the one that suggested the PSA test, weren't you?" Doc replied.

"It was because Lin's cough test was negative," Dad said.

"Well, I've noticed the same. Back to PSA – it's 27 and it shows stage T3. T3 indicates migration possibility. When the tumor isn't touching the urethra no urination dysfunctions are observed. Erectile dysfunction and scrotum skin and shaft necrosis - it's another clear indication".

I knew that word with a necro part in it from somewhere and it was a corpse or something and it sure scared me to death.

"Will I die?" I asked.

"No, you will not," Doc said, "but you need surgery urgently. It would be better if it was yesterday."

"Back to surgery," Dad said, "you say…"

"Wait! I haven't finished," Doc interrupted. "As I said I'm not the best choice for surgery because of Lin's age. Well, I can do it, but there is a much better solution. Doctor Harrison Brody has a child cancer clinic in Boston. It is some hundred miles away. I've called the clinic already and I've discussed this with Doctor Brody personally. He confirmed they had successfully cured even younger patients with prostate cancer. They are ready to take Lin to their clinic."

"Why Boston?" Dad was stunned. "With so many hospitals in Portland…"

"Don't you want the best for Lin?"

"When we are supposed to bring Lin there?" Mom asked.

"Not you," Doc replied. "You sign all forms I have in this folder and we take him immediately to Boston in an ambulance. One of you may go with Lin. Or you both may follow the ambulance in your car."

 

 

The adults left for the doctor's office to review and sign all forms. I was alone in the room for a couple of minutes and then the nurse came in and two orderlies rolled a gurney into the room.

"Do I need to get on this?" I nodded toward the gurney.

"Yes, you do," one of the orderlies replied, "and we pick you up. Don't stand up."

He and the nurse grabbed the bed sheet at my head side and another orderly at my feet.

"On count three," the nurse said and they ensured they had grabbed the sheet's corners firmly. "One, two, THREE…"

I was lifted and put almost gently on the gurney. Then the nurse covered me with a blanket. One of the orderlies fastened three straps across the gurney. The nurse tucked the blanket around me. There was no pillow. As the gurney's head end was raised slightly it wasn't the same as the pillow and I was trying to keep my head up.

"Lower your head," the nurse ordered, "in the car, there will be some blankets and a folded one is as good as a pillow."

I put my head down and orderlies pushed the gurney out of the room. They used a special elevator. No other people were available, there were just orderlies and nurses. On the first floor, I was pushed through the emergency room to the entrance. An ambulance was standing there at the door. The gurney was pushed inside through the rear door while I saw Dad climbing in through the side door. The first thing, he helped me to get more comfortable on the gurney.

As both doors were closed and the ambulance got in gear, the siren was turned on. At this instant, it dawned on me that my situation was more serious than I could imagine.

 

 

The siren was turned off after ten or fifteen minutes of the ride. I hoped Dad would say what was wrong with me and I expected him to say that everything will be OK. It didn't happen. Dad had a rule and he taught us the same rule – never tell a lie, better to remain silent but don't lie. He was silent now. I was a kid but I wasn't stupid, that meant there was nothing good to say.

I knew what cancer was. There was the fifth member in our group – Trevor, besides Martin, Jack, Zigi, and me. Trevor's Dad was coaching us as the second coach when we were in Junior High. Two years ago, Trevor's Mom got cancer somewhere in the female parts. She was gone three months later after we knew she was sick.

Now the same had happened to me. Will I be gone in a few months too?

 

 

The ride to Boston lasted about two hours. I was strapped to a gurney and I couldn't look through the window. I wouldn't have seen anything anyway because it was night. The gurney was hard and, even with a folded blanket under my head, I felt every even slight shake as a punch. Add to this the fact that I rode in complete silence. Dad wasn't talking to me and all this time I was alone with my thoughts about cancer and death.

I didn't know what waited for me in Boston but I was happy when the ride was over at last.

 

 

Memories about Trevor's Mom were coming to me again and again. As there were no other things to keep my head occupied, those memories were bothering me. The last time I'd seen her alive was three weeks before she'd passed away. That person had some resemblance with Trevor's Mom I'd known before. It was a completely different person though.

Later, I did remember Trevor's baby sister. Maybe not exactly a baby – Mandy was two years younger than Trevor, so she was nine when her Mom was gone. I remember it was hard for Trevor's Dad and even harder for Trevor. Then there was Mandy. She was a tomboy like my sister Audra. Audra was six years older than me so they weren't friends. Mandy was usually hanging out with Trevor and eventually with Zigi, Martin, Jack, and me. We were her only friends because there were no more tomboys in the neighborhood.

Mandy cried non-stop during the funeral. Afterward, she was crying whenever I was visiting with Trevor. There was no one and nothing she could hug. I had a stuffed penguin and I was taking it with me to bed till I was ten. It was still dear to me but after some consideration, I brought it to Mandy. It worked. Trevor said later that Mandy was carrying the penguin everywhere with her and even taking it to bed at night.

I had no occasion to see how it worked in practice. Some two weeks, later Trevor moved to another neighborhood. Both Trevor and Mandy went to another junior high. There was some teasing that Mandy and I were BFFs and that we were sharing our dolls. The teasing died shortly after Trevor moved away.

 

 

At the hospital in Boston, my gurney was pushed into an examination room where Dr. Brody was already waiting for me. He examined my groin and asked almost the same questions I was asked before. I was pushed into another examination room with some noisy equipment. I discovered later that it was the MRI scanner. I was put onto the moving tabletop and it slid inside that scanner. I was left inside for almost thirty minutes and all this time various parts moved around me noisily. Then I was pulled out and put on a gurney again and pushed back into the examination room.

Dr. Brody and Dad shortly came in and the doctor showed some pictures I didn't understand.

"The good news is," Doc started, "the urethra isn't affected. The affected parts are the prostate, scrotum, shaft, and left superior pubic ramus. The last is one that caused sharp pain during the workout."

"Are you sure those are the only places with cancer?" Dad asked.

"No, I'm not. Those are places with the most expressed tumor." Doc replied. "I'm more than sure during surgery to find a bunch of minor hotbeds."

"So is Lin suitable for surgery?"

"Yes. Of course! About surgery though: one part is mandatory and another – is optional. The mandatory part is removing of prostate. scrotum, and penis. We'll cut the affected part of the hip bone and remove all possible tumor hotbeds we will find. This part will take up to six hours."

"So long?"

"With both lymph nodes and bones affected it may take up to sixteen hours. So it really isn't so long. An optional part is a vaginal construction using the graft from the pelvic area. It will take another one or two hours."

"Is this needed?" Dad was something confused.

"No. But…" Doc sighed heavily. "It would be part of surgery to eliminate the life-threatening condition and covered by insurance. If it is done now. So it will be free for you. Doing the surgery later will cost you like other plastic surgery starting from seventy-five grand and up."

"Maybe we'll decide not…"

"Wait… All male parts will be removed and testosterone blockers will be prescribed. So, no matter what you decide and even without HRT Lin will develop as a female. Without HRT, he would look like a prepubescent girl with smallish breasts. His hips will grow wider and his waist visually will seem narrower. He will never be and he will never look like male again."

"Why blockers if the testes are removed?"

"Prostate cancer is androgen-dependent. Some amounts of testosterone derivatives are produced outside of the testicles in the adrenal glands."

"Will I be turned into a girl?" I asked. They were talking to each other and seemed have forgotten that they were talking about me.

"I prefer to say you'll GROW into one," Dr. Brody said with the stress on ‘grow'.

"How will I survive it?"

"Let's think first about the ‘survive' part, OK? ‘How' will come naturally later," the doctor said.

"So when is the surgery?"

"Now! Or to be more exact, after your Dad signs all the necessary forms." Dad nodded his head ‘yes' and they both left the room.

 

 

The doctor left the room with Dad. As they went out, a nurse came in. She came over to where I was and smiled down at me.

"Hi, Lin. My name is Diana and I need to get you ready for surgery." Just having someone talk to me and not about me made me feel good. "Now, some of what I need to do is going to be uncomfortable and a little embarrassing, but don't worry. I'm only here to help you."

She pushed my gurney into a small room that looked like a bathroom that was just off the examination room. I was lying on my side with my bare behind sticking out. Diana kept up a constant chatter of talk as she did things, but I really was not paying attention to what she was saying. I was feeling a bit relaxed because of her talking, but my attention snapped back into focus when she swabbed my butt and started to slide a tube inside of me.

"Just relax," Diana said, soothingly. "We need to do this so that the doctor can operate safely. Just listen to me and relax."

She kept on talking about all kinds of things and I only jumped a little bit when lukewarm water started flowing into me. By the time it stopped, it felt like there was a gallon of water inside of me. Diana kept talking and patting my head and that helped some to deal with some of feelings I had to wanted to get rid of the water. After a couple of minutes, she helped me climb off of the gurney and over to commode. Once I was in position, Diana pulled the tube out of me and I was able to let the water out, accompanied by a series of embarrassing sounds. Once I was finished, Diana cleaned my body with a warm wet cloth and helped me to change into another gown.

The last thing she did was to put a kind of plastic shower cap over my head that looked like one I'd seem Mom wearing once. Then she had me lay down on the gurney again before wheeling back to the examination room where Dad was already waiting for me.

The simple washing of my guts had exhausted me completely. Before, I was eager to stand up and sit on the chair. And now… Now I was happy to lay on a gurney and not move.

Dad reassuringly squeezed my shoulder. At the same moment, a monk entered the room wearing a white stole embroidered with gold.

"Niech będzie pochwalony…" said the monk (Blessed be the Lord - Polish).

"Now and forever," replied Dad.

"Amen," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I've guessed you are Polish," the monk apologized.

"I understand a little, but Lin doesn't," Dad said.

I was an altar boy in our church. That's primarily a Polish church. So I knew what that monk had said by the way.

"You've asked for me personally, so I assumed…" the monk started.

"Yes," Dad confirmed. "I've seen you a couple of times in our church, St Louis in Portland. Here at the hospital, I was given a choice and I selected you."

"I see… Would you please leave us alone," the monk turned to Dad.

"Sure," Dad said and left the room.

"Don't worry, son," Monk said, "Dr. Brody's patients tend to survive his surgeries." I could tell that he was trying to be funny, but it did not help much.

The confession followed and now I was really scared. I knew from books and movies what priests and monks were doing in hospitals. And why they were doing what they did. Before I was confessing like a kid – nothing serious. What could be serious in a kid's life? This confession I took as an adult. It was for all my life. I knew from Sunday school I was given the chance to stand in front of the Lord without a sin.

The problem was I didn't want to stand. It was probably a sin too and I confessed it to the monk.

"The Lord sees your soul and understands your fears more than anyone else. The fear you feel helps you appreciate the gift of life you are given."

I was in such a state that I didn't hear what I was told. I was in a state of dizziness. The next thing I remembered Dad was back in the room. He was kneeling while I was given Communion and then anointing was applied.

When I was rolled out from the room, I heard Dad say "I'll pray for you Lin."

 

 

To be continued

 

 

 
Dare to live 2(5)

 

 

"She. Unambiguously," Doc said, "She's now officially Lina. There is no Linas anymore."

 

 

Note to readers. This is a work of adult fiction. No resemblance to reality should be inferred or expected.
Copyright… We will circle back to it…

 

 

I was pushed through long corridors and before going into the elevator. When we came out there were more corridors and at last, I was probably in the operation theatre. An IV was attached to my left hand and another doctor injected something directly into my vein and said to count from one to a hundred. The last thing I remembered was ‘six' and the world blacked out.

 

 

There was a feeling of draught everywhere – in my mouth, body, and head. I opened my eyes and the lights were dimmed. I tried licking my lips and couldn't – there was something in my mouth and probably even in my throat. I wanted to pull that something out of my mouth but my both hands were strapped to the bed.

My movements probably made some sounds and Mom's face showed in front of me.

"Don't panic," she said, "the doctor will take the tube out shortly."

Another face that showed in front of me wasn't familiar. "On count ‘three' cough hard. OK?" I winked my eyes ‘Yes'. "One, two, and three…" I coughed hard and at the same moment, a long tube was rooted out of my throat. My throat was on fire and Mom put a plastic cup of lukewarm water to my lips with another hand holding my head.

"Take it slowly," she said. The water was soothing but it didn't get where I wanted it. There still was dryness somewhere deep in the throat. That dryness made me cough and the cough echoed in a pain below my waist. I tried to put my hands over my stomach but my hands were still strapped. The face of the unfamiliar doctor was again in front of me.

"Don't panic Lin," the face said. "I'm Doctor Suzanne Bell." She pointed at the tag on her scrubs that read ‘DR S BELL MD'. "Your hands a strapped because you're still attached to an IV."

Mom came into my view again and she popped a pill like one she would give me at home to soothe my throat. It was sweet and had mint and eucalyptus. It was exactly what I needed now.

"How do you feel? Is there any pain here?" Doc asked.

"There is a dull pain below," I said.

"I'm not surprised, but that is to be expected," Doc said. "I'll give you something for sleep. In the morning, the IV and restraints will be removed."

She stuck a syringe directly in the side of the needle in my arm and injected something into it. I was groggy already and the dizziness overwhelmed me now. I was shortly sound asleep.

 

 

When I woke up, it was daytime already. The IV had been disconnected and my hands were not restrained anymore. A nurse was busy around my bed. My mom was sitting on my bed too. They both noticed I was awake.

"How do you feel today?" mom asked.

"That dull pain is still here," I replied.

"As you are awake, I'll call the doc," the nurse said.

"Call my husband too, if you see him," mom asked.

The nurse left the room and mom said, "Doctor said he would tell you and explain about the surgery after you'll be fully conscious."

Waiting for the doctor and dad to come I looked a little around and under the sheets. I was wearing one of those hospital gowns and I was covered with a lot of the dressing. I could assume there was something done to me below the waist but I couldn't see what. A tube went out of my groin into the plastic bottle hanging at the side of the bed. I was attached to the bed and couldn't stand up or even turn over yet. Not that I had the strength to do it.

Dad and Dr. Brody and another doctor with the name tag "DR N AROYA MD" came into the room simultaneously. Dad smiled at me though his smile was kind of worried.

"How do you feel today?" Dr. Brody asked.

"I have still the dull pain down here," I motioned my hand to my groin.

"Is it unbearable?"

"Rather annoying."

"I'm afraid that it will be for a few days," Dr. Brody confirmed. "Now about the surgery, if you want to hear about it."

My both parents nodded in agreement.

"Your surgery took us almost seventeen hours to complete. I'd expected it would take no more than eight hours but I found that things were rather complicated."

"Eight hours is too much for a prostate operation," Dad said.

"Yes, it is," Doc confirmed, "for the main prostate cancer patient group. Most men starting at the age of fifty are monitored for it and the cancer is diagnosed in the early stages of T1 or T2."

"As I recall, Lin was diagnosed with T3," Dad said.

"We found the situation was a little worse than that. Tumor tissues were found on surrounding soft tissues along the urethra. We have removed what was recognized as the tumor. We've removed a lot. Besides the obvious testicles and penis, you've seen were affected by necrosis already. We have removed the affected parts of the ischium and pubic bone. Then vaginoplasty took more time than expected because we had little soft pelvic tissue left and not a great amount of penis tissue. Dr. Aroya will tell you more."

"So, I don't have cancer anymore?" I asked.

Doctor sighed.

"I hope we have found and removed everything," he said. "But to be sure, you'll need radiotherapy and later a course of chemotherapy, because there may be particles that are not visible."

"Will Lin stay in the hospital then?" mom asked.

"Week or two," Doc replied with a nod. "We'll see how he heals."

"She," Dr. Aroya said.

We all stared at him.

"Oh, yes. You're right," Dr. Brody confirmed. "She. Unambiguously."

I wasn't ready for such an abrupt change of pronouns. Neither were mom nor dad.

"Lin's new birth certificate is issued already because of a medical emergency," Dr. Brody said. "She's now officially Lina Agniete as you had indicated on the agreement you both have signed. There is no Linas Kazimieras anymore."

"You don't have to hurry to change school records. It can wait until the end of the school year," Dr. Aroya offered.

 

 

I didn't feel I was a girl as the doctors had stated. Even more, I felt my thingy as if it was there. It wasn't the feeling of it pressing to the leg or groin. It was feeling like it was being touched.

When the doctors left, a nurse came to change my dressings. She ushered the rents out of the room. She placed a frame over my chest and hung a kind of cloth on it curtaining the view of what she was doing from my sight.

As the nurse was busying around the dressing, I felt like parts of it were torn from my body. Later there was an even stronger feeling of her touching my penis and I was afraid and ashamed it would spring into an erection. The feeling of touching became more intense and it felt as if she was stroking my thingy. I even could see a part of her behind the screen moving rhythmically.

"What I'm doing is called dilation," the nurse explained. "After your body is healed enough, you'll do it yourself."

Later, the day passed without any events. The next day, I was given what Dr. Brody had called ‘a solid food meal'. It was kind of a lukewarm mashed soup. I still felt weak and exhausted after the surgery. But I wasn't hungry. I ate that soup because I was told to eat it. Mom was sitting on the chair next to my bed and watched me as if I was a little kid. Shortly after I'd finished my meal, the movement started in my guts.

It was the third day after the surgery when I was allowed or rather ushered to stand up. Doc had said that I needed some physical therapy. The plastic bottle that was connected to my groin and attached to the side of the bed was now attached to my leg. This time it was a male nurse and he helped me to stand up.

"You have to start walking," he said, "or your body will forget how to walk and you'll need to learn to stand and walk like a toddler."

The first thing after I stood up was that all blood was drained from my head. My vision was blurred and darkened and my head was spinning.

"We are in no hurry," the nurse said. "Grab my hand and try to steady yourself."

Easy to say. Not only my legs but my hands too were as heavy as if they were filled with lead. Then my vision cleared a little. I could see clearly again and I read a name tag on the nurse's chest as "Robert".

He followed my stare and offered, "That's Bob."

Bob just stood at my side until my body was accustomed to its new position.

"Try without my help now," Bob said pushing to my side a walking frame. He adjusted its height so that I could grab cross bars and keep my hands not bending them.

Doctor Brody said it was my willpower that helped me to stand up and walk around the room the next day without Bob's assistance. I was still pushing the walking frame in front of me but I did it all by myself.

Then the day came for the dressing to be removed. I was allowed to see what I had here below my waist. I had nothing. The penis had gone and the balls too. I still had the tube and the bottle with my urine attached to it. The tube was removed the same day. It was painful but it was worth the suffering. I was free now and I was expected to do everything by myself.

Sorry, no. I had another last lesson to undergo. I was seated on the edge of the bed with my legs spread as wide as possible. I was given a metal stick as thin as my pinky. It was smeared with special goo – the lubricator. Then it was carefully inserted into the hole I had in between my hole to pee and another hole to poo. That was the hole that made me a girl. Now that I had it, I had to take good care of it. It was called a vagina. I can tell you that it was incredibly embarrassing to have to do that exercise in front of the doctor and nurse. At least mom and dad were waiting in the hall.

 

 

On the ninth day after the surgery, I was released to go home. I still wasn't steady on my feet but I could take care of myself. I had to come back in two weeks for radiotherapy.

 

 

I had expected it to be "home, sweet home". It was a little different instead. There were some changes and arrangements made. I was moved to the first floor to stay in the guest room. I had been sharing the bedroom with my younger twin brothers, Gedas and Minde, before. I was kind of a role model to them. They were copying everything I was doing. They were playing basketball in the backyard and they were dribbling balls non-stop. The same thing I did when I was their age. They had a pair of their own weights that were five pounds each. The weights were the same as I used when I was younger.

When I was at home they were sticking to me like flies to the honey. That changed abruptly after my return. Their attitude was like I was kind of contagious. They were not only trying to keep a distance between us, the avoided being with me in the same room.

That was cancer. People were afraid of it. They didn't know what it was. I did remember my friend Trevor's mom. She had cancer two years ago and she passed away in three months. I was the only one among his friends who came to their home to visit his mom afterward. Other boys had the same attitude Gedas and Minde had toward me now. They'll say I had caught cancer germs while visiting Trevor's mom. I wasn't sure about it myself now. I didn't blame my brothers but I felt hurt anyway.

I expected things to change after dad was home from work. Dad was an EMT and not a doctor. But in our predominantly blue-collar neighborhood, he was considered a doctor. Like Zigi's dad was considered a professor because he had the biggest collection of various licenses covering almost all construction activities.

I expected dad would come home and explain that I wasn't contagious, that it was ok for Gedas and Minde to be in the same room with me. Dad came home and he didn't explain anything and my brothers' attitude didn't change.

There was no joy that I was at last home. Mom and dad were depressed. They were crestfallen because of expenses. Staying in Boston Hospital caused mom to accommodate herself in the hospital's neighborhood. That stay dug deep into our family's savings.

That wasn't the end of expenses either. Mom wasn't working while she was staying with me. She had to hire a babysitter for Gedas and Minde before some arrangements at their school could be made. I was the main and the only babysitter for my brothers before. I expected I would babysit them again but only when I'll be present at home. They could do all the chores at home without my intervention. I was needed to supervise them only.

 

 

I was still weak and I couldn't attend school. Dad had been in the school office and the school staff knew about the surgery. I expected Zigi to come with my assignments and homework. Zigi was my next-door neighbor, so who else could it be?

It was time after basketball practice already and there was a knock at the door. But it wasn't Zigi. It was Shawna. I knew her since we were in junior high. She was a basketball player but on the girls' team.

"I was expecting Zigi," I said. "Not that I don't like you. But he's my next-door neighbor."

Shawna just shrugged. That's about true friends and friendship so far.

"He's not ready yet," Shawna offered.

Probably it was for the better that Shawna had come and not Zigi or another boy. We knew each other but not enough to ask personal questions. She didn't ask and I didn't have to lie about what type of surgery it was.

 

 

I was ashamed of what had been done to me. I wasn't a boy anymore as I tell by what I saw below the waist. I wasn't a girl either. Only papers could be changed overnight. I was still the same Lin – a boy. The current situation made me frustrated and angry. I didn't know who I was angry with. With myself probably. So I cried. I cried a lot when I was alone in my room.

My body was healing. Those parts that were present after the surgery were regaining their natural body color. Not the bluish swelling or orange-brown stain of disinfectant they had before. Now those parts were becoming more and more like they were really mine. Not like they were previously kind of alien. I didn't need a sanitary pad in my underwear 'cause I could fully control the urinating process. What I still put in my briefs were called panty liners. They were needed because of my new anatomy. They were catching some extra drops. I didn't have a penis to shake off.

 

 

On Monday, I came back to school. It was only for several days because it was already planned to move back to Boston for a radiotherapy course. There were only two hospitals on the Eastern coast with the required equipment and one of them was in Boston.

Freshmen are treated like kids by older students in high school. The only way to socialize was to have friends among other freshmen. I came to school at last and apparently, I had no friends. My friends were distancing themselves from me. The only social thing was to bump fists with Zigi and Jack. Martin waved a hand at me and nodded his head.

The faculty wasn't friendly and understanding. I felt like I was the one who invented that sickness to excuse myself from classes.

The next day and later there was some improvement. The distancing of boys wasn't as evident as it was the first day. I was kind of accepted back into our group of four. Things couldn't be the same as they were before. I was excused from gym classes and I was off of the basketball team. I wasn't present at practices. I was different. I wasn't suited for rough jokes. I was drifting away. We weren't alienated yet but we weren't as close as we were before.

 

 

To be continued

 

 

 
Dare to live 3(5)

 

 

I passed out after counting to thirteen this time. Not a good sign, I thought, drifting into darkness.

 

 

Note to readers. This is a work of adult fiction. No resemblance to reality should be inferred or expected.
Copyright… We will circle back to it…

 

 

My sis Audra was home. She was with her friend Armand. It was that benefit of being an adult to be with whom she wanted to be. Armand was a few years older than Audra and he was a lawyer. He was helping Audra to sort things out with me. She was made my guardian along with the rents. This way she could go with me wherever it was needed and sign all the papers that might be needed. Mom could stay at home with dad and the twins.

Audra had a lot of friends. One of them knew someone in Boston who went to Europe to do some investigation and left their apartment empty. Audra got permission and key to this apartment.

The apartment was what they call an efficiency. Everything was located in one room including a bed and kitchenette. There was an armchair that could be unfolded into a second sleeping place so we didn't need to share the bed. And… I realized that this a priest's apartment. I was an altar boy and have been in more than one priest's home. There were mandatory things every catholic priest had. Like the picture of the Pope. And a wooden cross on the work table. Some books but not too many. Exactly opposite of what was in this apartment.

"It's not a catholic priest's apartment," I offered.

"Yeah… Priscilla is Lutheran," Audra replied.

"Woman – a priest?"

"Why yes."

Was it ok for Catholics to stay in a woman priest's home? Wasn't it a sin?

"Not, it's not a sin," Audra said.

"Was I thinking aloud?"

"Yeah, you were."

I was doing that a lot lately.

The apartment was within walking distance of the hospital. But if I felt weak or the weather was overcast, I could take a bus. We didn't have to pay for our stay. We just had to keep the apartment clean.

The first day in the hospital was taking blood and urine tests to allow radiotherapy or not. Dr. Brody said it was mandatory to take the tests. The next day radiotherapy started. I was laid on a metal table on my back and above me moved some steel equipment with a maze of cables and wire. I could imagine it was heavy. Extremely. It was more than ten feet in every direction. So it had to be several tons. And it turned and twisted above me.

I didn't feel anything. Warmth, pain, not even a touch. After some twenty minutes, it was over and I was released to go home.

I felt good. Or rather I felt the same as before. I came back home. That's to Priscilla's apartment. The stay in Boston wasn't a vacation. Audra had gotten assignments from school for me to read and to do. I did my homework. I did more than was assigned. I had hoped to explore the city after all my schoolwork was done. Portland was kinda like a village compared to Boston. Audra said there were a lot of places we could visit.

Not the next day but the day after I had to be in the hospital again. And again, the same equipment moved and twisted above me. I felt good.

The day after the third time, I felt the sickness. As if I wanted to puke but I didn't have anything to get rid of. With every day I was getting worse and worse. Then after the sixth therapy treatment, I was left in the hospital. This radiation was killing me. Still, four radiation treatments were left.

Sickness and faintness were constant now. In the hospital or at home, I was in bed. No school assignments and sure no sightseeing in Boston.

Then there was a redness on my belly as if I had a sunburn. It itched a little. But it was nothing compared to the overall sickness.

I didn't remember much. The remaining time in the hospital and the last radiating procedures went by in a fog.

Audra didn't take me home to Portland after I was released from the hospital. She didn't want little twins and my rents to see me in such a condition. Anyway, there were duties left for me in Boston. We spoke to the folks often enough to let them know that we were okay, even if I was too weak to come back to them.

I felt better a week later. Better enough to be homeschooled by Audra. And to visit the hospital every day on foot for special gym classes. To regain strength and to help my body get rid of the killed tumor.

A month later, Dr. Brody announced he was ready to start my chemotherapy. It was planned for a two week treatment. I was getting a medicine mixture through IV once a day. The sickness and dizziness started that first day immediately after the first portion was injected. It was incomparably worse than radiotherapy. Incomparably…

I don't remember when it started exactly, but I lost all my hair. And I mean all, eyelashes included. And some toenails. They just washed off one day when Audra was clothe washing me.

I couldn't eat. I puked after every try to swallow something. I was fed by the IV. I had catheters on both hands for feeding solutions and medicine. I lost some weight because I was not actually eating food.

During the summer holidays, the last two weeks are a time that flies by in the blink of an eye. Now, two weeks of chemotherapy have been the longest two weeks of my life. It was hell - not life. I wasn't sure I wanted to live.

After the chemotherapy, my life didn't come back to normalcy. I was weak. I puked a lot because of constant nausea. Then I was released from the hospital. Audra and I could go home. Our real home.

 

 

We missed Christmas and New Year. It wasn't important this time. More like a distraction. What Audra didn't miss was my torture twice a week – dilation. I wasn't sure why I needed it. It was useless now. I couldn't imagine myself using this cavity of my body ever.

Audra tried to get me used to feminine things. Like tights. Cold was another feeling besides nausea accompanying me constantly. The tights felt good. Especially those fleece things. They were warm. I was wearing them all the time. Outside under my pants and only them at home. At home, I didn't complain because there were only two of us.

We could go home but I was reluctant. One reason was the nausea. It was back whenever I got into the car. Audra decided to wait a week. I was bald. My friends and I had shaven our heads two years ago. Because we had lost the game. It was the result of a bet. Eventually, we didn't look bad. But to have your head shaven and to be hairless are two tremendous differences. There was a charity program to provide wigs for kids like me but I didn't pass because it was for leukemia patients. We could buy the wig. But they are expensive. I could survive baldness. It was more painful for girls. Audra said I was a girl now but I didn't feel like one. And then, with the wig or without it I had no eyebrows and it just looked weird.

After a week I felt somewhat better. I had to come back to Boston after six weeks to run routine tests. Nothing special. They will show my healing progress.

 

 

At home, it was worse than it was the previous time. Twins were distancing from me. Even mom and dad didn't stay with me in the same room for long. The same at school. I felt like an outsider in my own life.

I had some tests at school and it was proven I would need to repeat the year. It was for the better. I didn't need to attend school. I got books for reading from the library and could stay at home.

I stayed at home. There was no quietness at home as it was before. The jet port was expanding its logistic facilities and our street was used extensively by construction trucks. Our house was at the turn of the street. That curve was the cause of a truck losing a barrel from its flatbed and the barrel rolled over the lawn and bumped into the wall.

The result was all kinds of people from the construction company talking to my parents, walking around to look at the damage to the house, and taking a lot of pictures. The construction company offered dad five thousand bucks for wall repaint. The company seem to want to use the opportunity to grind the ignorant blue-collar worker.

When I heard dad talking about the company's offer, I called Audra immediately because she was back in Orono. She had her friend, the lawyer, working here in Portland Down Town. We had a lawyer at our side and the company had to play nice. Especially since our lawyer used my illness as a trump card.

It was decided we couldn't continue to stay in our house. The company had a block of already-built houses in the suburbs on the opposite side of Portland – Falmouth. They offered one of those freshly built houses. Dad was smart enough not to complain and the agreement was signed the same day.

As a result, we lost our apple trees and our friends and neighbors. As well as cargo jets flying over our heads day and night. I did not miss that at all. The street where our new home was was as bald as my head – no single tree or shrub. Only identical white two-story houses. On the other side of the street were one-story houses. Our backyard adjoined a previously inhabited house's backyard. They had some shrubs and garden beds for veggies. A Balsam fir grew on the border of two backyards. It was still young and some five feet tall and it was the only tree.

The feeling of staying here was of quietness and emptiness.

 

 

It was March and the time had come to go back to Boston and do some tests. Audra was here again at my side. I didn't know how she managed to stay in uni and be with me for so long. We settled into the same efficient apartment.

The next day we went to the hospital and… The tests showed the situation was worse than it was before. It was decided I needed another surgery immediately. I wasn't even allowed to go home.

The procedure was the same as before. Only the priest this time was a stranger. I insisted on confession and there was only Reverend Samuel present.

I passed out after counting to thirteen this time. Not a good sign I thought drifting into darkness.

 

 

I woke up in another room and the sun was shining through the window. Only one IV was attached to my left hand and no other tubes. I was alone in the room. I pressed the call button and a nurse was shortly in my room.

"Oh, you are awake already," she simply said. "How do you feel?"

"Ok, I guess," I shrugged.

"I'll call the doc," she said and left.

Dr. Brody with Audra entered the room. Audra's eyes were red and the doctor was not smiling. He pulled one of the chairs over to the bed and sat down so that he was at my level.

"The news is not good," the doctor said. "Medicine is sometimes powerless, even though we have done our best," he simply said.

"Is this…?" I stammered. There was a sickening feeling in my belly.

"I have to admit your case is hopeless." The doctor was able to look me in the eye when he said that.

I knew it was a death sentence. I had no strength to react. I didn't know what I was supposed to do or say. Nothing.

"How long?"

"Three to four months."

June or July…

"We'll provide you with everything you'll need," Dr. Brody said, "we will not leave you alone."

 

 

I was left in the hospital for stitches to heal.

I wanted to be tough but I wasn't. I cried all night. I was given a sedative shot. And then another one. I didn't cry the next day because no tears were left. Audra came and we cried together a little. Then she left and the counselor came. All that talking didn't help much. But I was talking and listening and not left alone to myself. Maybe it was on the plus side.

When I was a kid death wasn't real. It was a word that had no real meaning. Later I got to know it. She was real but she was real to others and not me. And now I was in line to get to know her personally. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to wait for it to come. And it was coming like it or not. I wanted to end it now and not wait. No. Not a suicide. Go to sleep one night and don't wake up the next morning. Why did it have to be so complicated and excruciating?

Why I was here? I didn't ask to be born. Mom and dad wanted a kid and here I am to die.

 

 

I stayed in the hospital for a week. Until the section was healed and the stitches were dissolved. When I left the hospital, I was a different person. I wasn't happy and life wasn't funny. I couldn't imagine what could be funny, what could bring a smile to my face.

At home, mom and dad knew the bad news. They and the twins had a few sessions with counselors about how to behave and what to say to me.

A few days after my return, spring break at the middle school started. It was a different time than at high school. The twins were free for a week. My parents decided to use this time to visit Uncle Bruce's farm in Vermont. Uncle Bruce was my mom's uncle, her mom's brother. He was the only American in our extended family.

The trip took us four and a half hours with all stops for snacks and the bathroom. I had never been to the farm before. It was everything new for my brothers and me. Big farmhouse, barn, cattle shed and stable for horses, orchard, and huge vegetable beds.

The weather was like it had to be in March something about the fifties or more if Sun was shining.

So, despite it being a somewhat chilly day, I decided to spend some time in the backyard so I put tights under my jeans to keep me warm and a hoodie over my flannel shirt. The twins were in the backyard already and there was a young calf too. The twins and the calf were kinda playing tag with each other. When I'd stepped down from the porch on the grass the calf ran toward me and nudged me with its big round nose as if it was saying ‘Come play with us'. It was very gentle and afterward, it waited for my move. Why not? I thought to myself. I made a quick turn and touched Minde's arm.

"I tagged you!" I shouted and ran away. My speed was in no comparison to what I was before so Gedas and Minde readjusted their running to my new normal. The calf wasn't running as fast as it was before my appearance.

My stamina wasn't the same as years ago and I was exhausted some ten minutes later.

"I'm out guys. I'm sorry…" I said to the twins and turned to leave, heading to the barn. The calf was tagging along. I smiled at it and stroked its forehead where its horns were meant to appear. We both turned around the barn and found Uncle Bruce standing there at the barn's gate.

"Oh good you have brought it here," he said, "I'm already a little too old to chase calves." He grabbed the calf under his left arm then tripped it over the trough and slit its throat with a knife I didn't notice before.

I couldn't look away no matter how hard I tried. I was staring into the calf's eyes reflecting fear and grievance, a sort of betrayal while its blood was pouring into the trough.

"That's for a barbeque tonight, I s'pose it will be fun," Uncle Bruce said. He looked at me and my face probably said it all so he patted my back and then said: "The cattle are meant to be slaughtered."

That calf made me smile today. The first smile in so many months and probably the last smile in my life. It helped me get closer to my brothers. All three of us were together like it was months ago. And it was killed now. For fun. It dawned on me then that my life couldn't be valuable if I didn't value the life of those who were making me happy.

I couldn't take a single bite of meat into my mouth anymore.

"If you don't eat meat, you will not…" mom started to persuade me and stopped abruptly. She had no arguments. I was dying anyway no matter what I'll eat.

"Leave him alone," dad suggested.

 

 

The visit to Uncle Bruce's farm made me think about my exit. I saw myself differently now. As if from a side. Like I wasn't me but a bystander. I didn't want others to remember me with anger and disgust. I had to exit nicely.

I had to return books to the school library. It was now spring break at high school and at uni where Audra studied. So Audra was at home. My old school was in South Portland while we lived in Falmouth now. I couldn't go on foot and I didn't dare take a risk at riding the bus.

Audra drove me to the school and waited for me in the car. I still had my student id and was allowed in. I returned my books to the library and got the receipt.

I was coming down the corridor to the main school entrance. Meanwhile from the side of the gym was coming a man. As he got closer, I recognized him as Trevor's dad. We got to the door almost simultaneously. I stepped aside letting him go first while he opened the door and held it with his left hand while with the right he motioned saying "After you miss." He was my first basketball coach together with Leo Gonzales six years ago for God's sake. He was at all our games with the younger Trevor's sis Mandy. He sure had seen me playing. I was playing more than any other boy on the team. And now ‘Miss'! How could I be Miss?

 

 

When I got back into the car I wanted to tell Audra the story of how Trevor's dad had mistaken me for a girl but then why mistaken? I was a girl officially and had some girl parts. Though I was dying my body was widening in hips and it was growing tits.

I found Audra something agitated.

"Dr. Brody just called," she said, "he wants us in Boston tomorrow. He doesn't want to reassure us prematurely but he thinks he has some good news."

 

 

To be continued

 

 

 
Dare to live 4(5)

 

 

"We are blessed with two guests tonight," the priest announced to his mother when the elderly woman appeared in a doorway.

 

 

Note to readers. This is a work of adult fiction. No resemblance to reality should be inferred or expected.
Copyright… We will circle back to it…

 

 

My appearance didn’t change much. I looked almost the same as a few months ago. I was skinny and bald with only a thin fuzz on my head.

I was taking painkillers. To be more precise I was given painkillers. Dad was giving me IV shots twice a day. After almost two weeks, he inserted a catheter into my left arm. Without a catheter, I would shortly look like a drug addict with ruined veins. This way, he was able to give me my meds via the same tube without having to stab my arm each time.

Painkillers made me feel dizzy. I had nausea from the last round of chemo. The chemo was finished months ago but the nausea didn’t go. It wasn’t the same but it was here to make my life more miserable than it could be without constant sickness.

A calendar on a wall in my room probably wasn’t the smartest idea. But I could see how much time I had. I was convinced I will live till Independence Day. Not less. I hung that calendar on Fools' Day. And marked my wellness as one hundred percent that first day. It wasn’t the same as it was half a year ago. It was maybe only some twenty percent of what I felt when I started ninth grade. But I started with one hundred now. Though it wasn’t the day I got to know bad news or the day I came home. Anyway, it was like it was.

We had been home for a few weeks when Audra got a call from Dr. Brody. The same doctor who cured me. He asked her and me to come to the hospital in Boston the next day. That day I marked my wellness as ten. The calendar on the wall in my room reminded me not about how little time I had. It showed how long I will suffer.

"Do we have to go?" I asked when we were at home for dinner.

My question wasn’t rhetorical. I really wasn’t sure if we had to fight any longer.

"Just give it a try," dad said.

"We want our son back," mom added.

Audra opened her mouth to say something but then she decided otherwise. I knew what it was about. She always stressed the idea I was a girl, a daughter, a sister. But… No matter how my parents called me, I will come to the same point two months from now.

"Please…" Audra said instead.

 

 

"She’s defeated," Audra said to Dr. Brody the next morning when we, at last, got to Boston after two stops because of my nausea.

I was. It was my way to accept what was inevitable.

"There is still hope," Doc said.

"I don't have the strength to fight anymore," I replied. My tone was tired and flat.

"Do you have a headache?" Doc asked instead.

"No…"

"Is your pain located in your legs, abdomen, stomach, chest, neck, and arms?"

"Ends in the lower chest," I said.

"It means your head isn’t affected yet. Most probably your heart is free of tumors too. You are suitable for a new experimental method then," Doc said. "If only you’ll agree…"

"We agree," Audra interfered.

"I need Lina’s consent," Doc said.

"Is it painful?"

"I would guess no," he replied.

"Ok then. What do I have to do?"

"Here is the address," Dr. Brody said handing a card to Audra. "It’s a hospice in Kersey, Pennsylvania. Five hundred miles from here. You will need to be there tonight or tomorrow morning. I have called them already. They are waiting for you." He had obviously assumed that I would agree to the treatment.

 

 

Before we left, I was given another painkiller. It was named ‘milk shake’ and it looked like one. This new thing worked twelve hours instead of four and it acted a little different – I didn’t have nausea.

Audra called dad to say we were moving to Pennsylvania. Then she called her uni, I heard only one side of the conversation. Audra wasn’t a student there. Not anymore. Because of me.

We got into Audra’s car and I dozed out shortly, the first time since I was a kid. I didn’t see how Audra maneuvered on the highways around Boston.

I awakened three hours later and we were out of Boston at last.

"I’ve got stuck in a jam for two hours," Audra said.

"I guess we’ll need to look for a night stay," I offered.

"Yeah… Our destination is far from the highway and I don’t know the territory. Maybe it would be wise to not look for it in the dark."

"So…," I started but then I got reluctant to finish the sentence.

"What? Don’t be afraid. Say, what," Audra urged me.

"I want to go to church…" I said.

"What about OUR church?" she wondered.

Our church was St. Louis church in Portland. All of us kids were christened there, then we received our first Holy Communion and then I started as an altar boy there with Rev. Walter O'Donnell.

"I was at our church a month ago," I replied.

"And…?" Audra waited for me to continue.

"I met with Father Walter and…"

"You mean Rev O'Daniel?"

"O'Donnell," I corrected her.

"Ah… Yeah… I remember him as the most progressive catholic priest not only in our parish," she said.

"I thought the same way about him," I agreed. "I knew him personally. He taught me how to be an altar boy. Together with other boys. I met him and he said he was ok with me being castrated but my wish to deceive the Lord into becoming a girl was unforgivable."

"How…? And who told…?" Audra fumed.

"Dunno…"

"But you got an absolution?" she asked.

"No. Not even a blessing…"

"Crap…" she muttered.

"Audra…" I whispered.

"What?"

"I’m scared… What if Father Walter is right?" I think that scared me more than the end result of my cancer.

 

 

We rode in silence. I mean without music in the background. Neither Audra nor I liked the music on the radio. Audra had her own favorites on her smartphone but she didn’t want to disturb me. Until I asked a couple of hours later to put something on. Because silence was even worse than the bad music.

It was Santana. Carlos Santana. Audra said so. I didn’t know him. The music was strange. It was so strange I couldn’t even say how what it sounded. But it was good.

The time was something about six-ish when we exited the highway. Roads were getting narrower and narrower. We were passing towns and villages and some of them were only four or five houses but had their own town sign. Some towns had churches and others had none. Mostly non-Catholic churches. I was reading their signs.

We were passing one of such towns and there was the catholic St Bartholomew’s church. The church was brick plastered building. Other churches we had passed were wooden mostly. A half of the building was scaffolded but the door was open.

Audra stopped her car and I entered the church. I crossed myself by entering it and then started looking for the priest.

"At your service," said somebody from behind me.

I turned around and there was an old man in civilian clothes, not in a cassock and without even a clergy collar.

"I am Father Rudolf," he introduced, "we have some repairs going on here so please excuse my civilian attire."

"I want to confess," I said simply.

"Only in private," the priest replied, "our confessional is disassembled."

I followed him into the vestry. There I knelt down and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession but I didn’t get an absolution."

"Sit at my side," father Rudolf ordered, "I feel the pain of you kneeling down."

I sat at his side on the same bench.

"I have to confess too before we go further. Maybe you'll decide to have nothing to do with me when you find out about my deadly sin."

"What…?"

"I say I have committed a deadly sin this morning," he said calmly. "I had cereal this morning and a cup of coffee."

"What…?"

"I say I have this morning eaten something that isn’t in scripture and thus I’m deserving damnation," he said with a smirk. "Believe me, you being born a boy and now being a girl is nothing compared to my deed."

"How do you know?" I asked. I meant how did he know I was born a boy? I was wearing leggings because they were softer and thus more comfortable for long rides. In leggings, even with my bald head, I looked like a girl.

"You removed your cap entering the church before crossing yourself," the priest said.

"But…," I was about to say that Father O’Donnell was of a different opinion and even refused to bless me.

"To err is human," the priest interrupted me. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, and you don’t need to know anything more about Christianity."

How could it be true? It was the opposite of what my priest in Portland had said.

"Do you know you are musing aloud?" Father Rudolf asked.

"Oh…!" my hand shot up to cover my mouth.

"Nothing to worry about," he said with a chuckle, "you don’t curse."

Then after the pause he asked, "So where are you heading?"

"Kersey…"

"I know that place. Not too far away. But not so close to going now. Would you accept my invitation to stay at my place for the night?"

"Huh?" It was unexpected. I couldn’t speak for Audra.

"Ask your friend," the priest offered.

"She’s my sister."

"Ask your sister then. Tell her there will be a service in the morning. Jesus will come too."

"What?"

"For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."

"Oh… I’m sorry. I have forgotten. I’m sorry," I mumbled.

"Don’t be. You have more important things to think about. By the way… Would you like communion and anointing before leaving? I know you would, but I have to hear you asking."

"Oh… Sure I would like… How do you know?"

"I know Kersey. The place is maybe six houses nowadays. One of those houses is the hospice."

 

 

"Mother! I’m home!" Father Rudolf shouted when he entered his home followed by Audra and me. He was a more regular human than any priest I knew before. He lived in his house. The house was built by his father, a former teacher at a local elementary school. And he lived with his mother.

"We are blessed with two guests tonight," he announced to his mother when the elderly woman appeared in a doorway.

I almost expected discontent and grumbling. But the priest’s mom just clapped her hands, "What luck!"

Audra and I helped her in the kitchen. Well, not me. I was sitting on a chair. I was no help lately. And then it dawned on me – it was a gift.

It was a gift to meet Father Rudolf and his mother. Simple and sincere people. Not naïve bumpkins. Those few hours with them were more valuable than the rest of my anticipation of the unavoidable end.

 

 

The next morning started with a service at St Bartholomew’s. Audra and I were given almost transparent silky headscarves to cover our heads. Not that it was required. It was Father Rudolf’s mom’s gift.

"Do not be ashamed of who you are," she said, "it’s the Lord’s gift to be a lady."

The service was short. Only Audra, the priest’s mother, and I were present. Sacristan Vince was helping at the altar.

We were given communion and I got an anointing. I was ready to leave.

 

 

Two hours later we reached Kersey. Not a big town. Even as a village, it was rather small. The hospice was the former sanatorium that had been there. Monks, Franciscans, were helping there. Next to the hospice was a cemetery. Kind of a depressing picture.

We were met by Dr. Ram. He looked like Indian or Pakistani.

"I have studied your file, everything Dr. Brody had sent to me," he started. "You are a good candidate for the program. But you have to understand that I can’t guarantee the success."

"I know," I said while Audra put her hand on my shoulder assuring me.

"We will give you medicine that helps your body recognize the cancer cells as intrusive. They are called immunomodulators. Another medicine will help to raise your body’s temperature because cancer cells don’t like heat. If the process goes as planned, we’ll put you in a coma to prevent your brain from overheating."

"And then?" I asked.

"When your body is finished with fighting the cancer cells the temperature drops down and we return you to normalcy."

"What might go wrong?" Audra asked.

"The immunomodulatory treatment may not work. Sometimes it happens. There may be no response to the pyrogenic medicine, the one that raises body temperature. Heart failure is a high risk because of overheating. At last, you may not come out of the coma. Those are the most common cases."

"What is the chance of success?" my sis inquired.

"One out of three," Dr Ram replied.

The chances the doc gave me were not the best, but it was the only chance I was being given. I had to go through with it.
--

I started getting cold. Then I was getting hot after that. Then the world went dark. Then the light was back and I was in my old school. It’s South Portland High. I went down the corridor to the shop class. The school was empty. Rather the corridors were empty. There was a distant sound of kids talking and laughing.

I came to the shop class and opened its door. The door opened into the gym instead. I knew it was the gym though it was much bigger. It was filled with goats and sheep in square formations. Like the army. At the side of each goat and sheep were standing men in white attire.

Then, as if on command, the men in the first rows slit the throats of the sheep and goats and the blood poured onto the floor. But there was no blood on the floor. Killed animals fell down but they weren’t dead. They all stared at me. I was horrified. I wanted to turn away. No matter which way I turned, there were goats and sheep with their throats slit everywhere. They all looked into my eyes. I wanted to run away, but the wild animals grabbed my legs. They had claws instead of hooves.

Then the animals on the second row were killed all simultaneously as if on command. Animals still alive were gripped by terror. The killed were mute. But those killed still moved a little. They turned their heads to look me in my eyes. Or tried to grab me while I was escaping the gym.

The gym was enormous. I couldn’t find the exit. At last, I found the door and reached for its handle. I yanked the door open and was now in our church’s vestry and Father O’Donnell was there. He turned to face me grimacing.

"Coward," he spat through gritted teeth.

At this moment it dawned on me that I was dreaming. It wasn’t real. The gym was scary anyway. But I had to come back. To come back to stop the slaughter.

I opened the door and immediately I was back in the gym. I wasn’t a bystander anymore. I was one of the goats. The man was at my side his one hand on my shoulder. It felt warm and strong. The same as dad’s hand just before my first surgery. The hand pushed me down on my knees and I felt the cold of the blade on my throat. Then a sharp pain and I couldn’t breathe anymore. I was an observer again and was staring into my own dying eyes.

Everything disappeared. There was no pain. No sound. No light though it wasn’t dark. Dusk. There was a light on my left. I turned my eyes to it.

"Oh…!" I heard somebody saying.

My eyes were still closed. I opened first the right one. The light was brighter. Too bright to look at it. I turned my head to the right and opened both eyes this time. Audra and dad were here.

"You are back," dad said and I saw a tear running down his cheek.

Audra said nothing. She buried her face in the blanket over me and cried… and cried…

 

 

I was left in hospice to regain my strength. Not the best place to stay but I was too weak to move. It was two weeks later before I could get out of bed.

"You have the very special Dad, young lady," Dr. Ram said a day before my departure. "He insisted on keeping you alive when you were dead and I was ready to give up."

I had been told that I had actually died twice while I was in the coma. But Dad had made sure that the doctor knew to bring me back if something happened to me. He had arrived at the hospice the day after the doc started the procedure. I was already in my coma by then.

We left four weeks after my awakening. It was the end of June. Couldn't arrange it otherwise, but we left only in the afternoon after arranging all the documents and saying goodbye to the staff.

Dad had left his car for mom so we rode Audra’s car again. Audra opted to sit in the cramped back seat.

On our way back, we stopped at St Bartholomew. The church's repaint wasn’t finished yet. The church was empty. As empty was Father Rudolf’s house. Strolling around we met sacristan Vince.

"Father Rudolf has gone," he said. "He passed away during the service at his mother’s funeral. Both mother and son left us in a single week. It happened shortly after you’d left."

We asked about a motel or some other accommodation nearby. It was already late and the road was narrow and curvy on hilly woodland. The territory was known as a state game forest.

"You’ll stay at my place," Vince rather stated than offered.

That night, I prayed. I would have gone to the church to pray, but I knew that I did not need to. I knew that the Lord would hear my prayers wherever I was. I thanked the Lord for the help I received while I was in my coma. I thanked Him for my dad and my dad's faith. I thanked Him for my sis and her willingless to stop her life and help me. I thanked Him for Father Rudolf and his mother and the compassion they had shown us. I asked Him to bless them all.

 

 

We were up before down the next morning. Dad wanted to get home before rush hour traffic. I insisted on visiting Father Rudolf’s grave before leaving though. The graveyard was two miles from the village on our way home. We just needed to make a literally five-minute stop. On the side road behind the hill, there was the cemetery. A mist was rising against the distant mountains, while tiny stars lit up the graveyard.

"Majestic!" Audra said.

"Fireflies mating," dad explained.

I said a prayer for Father Rudolf and his mother. I guessed dad and Audra said their prayers too.

"Let’s go home, girls," dad said climbing into the car.

 

 

To be continued

 

 

 
Dare to live 5(5)

 

 

After two months, I was back at home.

 

 

Note to readers. This is a work of adult fiction. No resemblance to reality should be inferred or expected.
Copyright… We will circle back to it…

 

 

After two months I was back at home.

Mom was here alone. Twins, Gedas and Minde, were at Uncle Bruce's place for summer. He offered to have the boys stay at his farm. Mom and dad were more than happy to accept the invitation. My cancer had drained family savings almost to zero. That meant there was definitely no money for the boys to be sent to some summer camp.

We weren't back to normalcy still. I had biweekly visits to Dr. Brody in Boston for tests and investigations and counseling.

Then I was assigned to the local school – Falmouth High and was entering ninth grade for the second time. As a girl this time. I had to be checked by a local GP doc. She thought I was anorexic. I was the same five-four as a year before and weighed seventy-three pounds after a one-month recovery in Kersey. I had gained four pounds in the last month. But my new doc didn't know this. I told her. She decided I needed some counseling anyway. Waste of time, I have to say.

Because of me, my sister Audra lost her tuition in Orono. She tried to come back but there was no success. She was accepted into the University of Southern Maine. Not a big school and maybe not so reputable as uni in Orono. But she was offered the same studies program and was now a sophomore. Audra, the same as me, had lost one year in her studies.

I was more than happy, ecstatic to say the truth, to have her at my side. While dad had accepted me as a girl, he wasn't talkative and he worked more than before. This way I was left with mom. Mom called me my old male name Linas and used masculine pronouns. I didn't blame her. She's my mom!

For Assumption of Mary we, that's mom, dad, Audra, and me, went to Uncle Bruce's farm. It was time for the twins to come back. The school was about to start the last week of August. This way they will have only a week to get ready for the new school year at the new school.

At my uncle's farm, another minor miracle happened. Uncle Bruce and the twins accepted me as a girl. It was almost five months ago that I had visited Uncle Bruce. I did remember him treating me like a boy then.

The same as my brothers. Boys, when they have only other boys around, they curse sometimes. Or speak rough. This time my brothers were reminding each other not to swear in my presence because Lina's a girl. There was always some jostling around the door about who'll go first. The jostling remained but it was about who will keep the door open for me or Audra, or our parents.

Uncle Bruce and the twins also helped mom to change her mind about how she thought of me.

 

 

We had a new OUR church. ‘Our' in the sense it was in Falmouth and we were comfortable and accepted there. Holy Martyrs of the Holy Eucharist parish. It was different. Not like St Louis. The ceiling was low and it looked more like at home rather than like a church. Cozy and warm.

 

 

The school year started. I didn't know anybody in my new school. When it was in South Portland I had friends and I knew most students from Junior High or Elementary schools. The same was true for the freshmen in my new school. They all knew each other from Junior High. In my homeroom, I was the only really new student.

Nobody was paying too much attention to the new student me. I was left to myself. Until lunch period. I got an empty secluded table for my meal.

"Lin?" somebody asked from behind.

I turned around.

"Trevor?" I hadn't seen him since he had moved away from South Portland to somewhere two years ago after his mom passed away.

I had not seen him in all of that time. He had changed. He was taller. Well, Trevor was always taller than me. But now I could assume he was something about five-ten. And more manly. I sighed. I'll never be like him.

"You look like you are…" Trevor started but didn't finish.

"Like I'm a girl?" Even before Kersey, I looked more like a girl not only because of my flat front in leggings. My tits started growing before Christmas. I was dying and fighting the cancer while my body started to grow female parts and it was the most important thing at the moment. Now they were like plums and visible. Add to this I had to wear a bra because Audra and mom insisted and even dad said I was too big to be without a bra at school.

"Yeah…" he nodded affirming.

"Because I'm a girl…" I said and sighed again. I wanted to feel like a girl but it wasn't so simple.

"It's not unexpected," Trevor said after a while.

"What!?"

"What I remember, you weren't exemplarily a manly boy," he kinda apologized. "You and Mandy and your stuffed penguin…"

"Don't be like Zigi and Co," I protested.

"By the way, have others got the news of your transition?"

"I wasn't eager to transition," I replied. "It wasn't what I wanted. All my male parts were removed because of cancer."

When he heard the word "cancer", his body flinched.

"What do you mean by cancer?" he inquired.

"Exactly the same thing as you know it. The nasty thingy inside the body eating and killing you gradually. I was supposed not to survive until Independence Day."

"But you survived…" Trevor rather stated than asked.

"I was ready to surrender. Death didn't seem so bad then. But Audra and the rest of the family and some wonderful people helped me in my fight."

"I'm sorry," he said.

"Don't be. I'm here as a new person to start a new life."

"So what about the others?" he repeated his question.

"To tell the truth, I don't know. When I was at home after the first surgery I was kinda outcast. After radio and chemo, I didn't come back to school."

"They were afraid you're contagious," Trevor stated with a sigh, "the same as mom's friends when she got cancer."

The pregnant pause followed. I didn't know how to reply and he didn't say a word.

"What name do you go by now?" he asked at last.

"The same. Only the female version – Lina instead of Linas or Lin."

"Lina suits you better," he said.

"Don't start again your ‘I knew it before' thing, okay," I retorted.

"I say how it is. I am not pretending or trying to please you," he replied.

 

 

That was weird. I thought I was a boy like other boys. Was I really that different? Or maybe Trevor said it just to make my immersion into female life not so hard for me?

That same evening, I shared my thoughts with Audra. Especially since we lived in one room. Another advantage for Audra to study in her hometown.

"Boys sometimes observe differently than girls do," she said, "if they fancy the one they watch."

"Do you think Trevor is gay?"

"For one, you never could tell," she replied. "What do you think, is Armand gay or not?"

Armand is Audra's friend, a lawyer, who helped us a lot.

"Is he?" I wondered. I thought Audra and Armand were kinda in romantic relationships.

"Yes, he is," Audra confirmed.

And I had already imagined Armand as my future brother-in-law. Alas!

"Earth to Lina!" Audra waved her hand in front of my face.

"Huh? Sorry… What?"

"Why are you suddenly worried about what your friend thinks about you?" she asked.

"Because he says I was always more a girl than a boy. And I think of myself still more like a boy rather than a girl. And I don't think I like to be a girl."

"Why do you think so?"

"I hate wearing a bra!" I practically yelled

"Me too," Audra retorted.

"Do you? Really? Why?"

"Because it's restricting. What else?"

"I don't like frills, lace, and pink."

"Me too," Audra said again. "You are a tomboy the same as I am. Your feelings will change more after you'll start female hormones."

"Didn't I start yet? I take a handful of pills every morning."

"Those are vitamins, minerals, immunomodulators, and support for the liver and kidneys. Before you start hormones you need to gain some weight. Preferably muscles, not fat. And you need all the toxins from your previous therapies flushed out of your body."

"But I have got tits already. I thought they appeared because of hormones."

"Not tits but breasts," Audra corrected me. "Don't use that word in mom's presence."

"Fine, let them be breasts. But if I don't take hormones, how comes, they are growing?"

"You have some amount of your own estrogen being produced. Then genetics is working…"

"What genetics? Dad doesn't have tits!" I protested.

"Breasts." She reminded.

"Ok. Breasts. Anyway, dad doesn't have them."

"Mom has," Audra said.

"Oh! Huh? I don't want them to be like mom's breasts. They are huge. Why not like yours?"

"Ok. Your order has been accepted – cup C, round and firm. Exactly like mine."

I looked at her breasts. They were big. Not huge but big anyway. Then I tried to imagine them on my chest and they seemed huge.

"I'll not take them," I said at last.

"What will you not take?" Audra inquired. "Breasts?"

"Hormones. What I have is already enough."

"Hormones are not only breasts. They are needed for your growth and development. You can't take testosterone. It may and will cause cancer to recur. Estrogens are the only hormones you can take."

I sighed audibly.

"You better tell me how Trevor is," Audra asked. "I hadn't seen him since his mom's funeral."

"Well… He's tall, athletic… His hair isn't cropped like other boys have. Athletic… said it already. Handsome in some way I guess…"

"Cute…" Audra added.

"Maybe," I agreed.

"And you say you don't feel like a girl? You do fancy Trevor! You do! Really not a girl, I should say!"

Dunno… He was the only person in my new school I knew from my previous life. I liked him. He was tall, athletic, and handsome. Was it admiration or envy?

"Your dreamy eyes say volumes," Audra interrupted the trail of my thoughts. "I don't see a boy in this room. Not anymore."

I thought that getting past the cancer was a big enough milestone in my life. Now it looked like climbing the mountain of girlhood might be a challenge. Especially because I was going to live with it for the rest of my life. Was I already a girl or Audra said it to encourage me? Was I fancying Trevor or I liked him because he was the only one I knew in my new school?

 

 

The next day I didn't meet Trevor during lunch. Not that I was looking for him. I just half expected to meet him the same way as the day before. But it didn't happen.

After classes, I went to Junior High. It was on the same campus. This way I would be able to interact with my brothers more. Today was a try-out for basketball day. They followed in my footsteps engaging in basketball. The gym was packed with kids and some adults who were here to support them. One end was for boys and another for girls.

Minde and Gedas were waiting in line to perform exercises for try-out and I was sitting with some parents on the bleachers. Then I noticed Trevor sitting not far away from me.

He was with a girl. A good-looking guy like Trevor no doubt will be with a girlfriend. Why then did it disappoint me? Was I jealous? Of Trevor?

First, I wanted to come closer to him and say hello. But then I thought otherwise because I was a kind of a girl now and I didn't want to interfere in his personal life.

Then the girl disappeared and I decided to approach him.

"Hi," I managed to say.

"Oh!... Howdy Lina," he answered something stressing my new name. "Whatcha doing here?"

"Twins have tryouts and I'm here for support."

"Me too," he replied.

"Watching Minde and Gedas?" I wondered.

"Oh… No, no… I'm here for Mandy," Trevor said.

"Mandy… I didn't see her for so long… How is she?" I asked.

"How are you?" Trevor asked somebody behind me grinning from ear to ear.

I turned around and it was the same girl I saw with Trevor before. And it was Mandy. She was thirteen and she was taller than me.

"Lin…" she embraced me in a bear hug.

"I didn't believe Trevor at first, but you really are the girl," she said shaking her head, "and you are so beautiful…"

"You are…" Trevor confirmed.

"I am what?" I inquired.

"A beautiful girl," he said and it made me feel warmth inside.

Was Trevor right? How could I tell? I guess I would need to listen to what my friends and family were telling me and live the life I had been given back.

 

 

The End