Prologue - Saturday, November 15, 2014

Lillian Terrell was one pissed off teenager. Saturday night and she was grounded! Her parents were so unfair. They got to go to a party and she had to sit around the house and do nothing!

Just because she told then she was going to study with Shelly and ended up at Mark's place. Mark had scored some great weed and was willing to share. And it was great weed. So she was a little bit high when she got home? So what?

She had worked up a really great sulk by the time her parents left with great and portentous warnings about staying in the house and no company. It was so unfair! Christ, she was sixteen already!

That's when Kathy called to tell her there was a really rockin' party over at Dylan's place and she ought to get her ass over there. Right! Fat chance, she was grounded.

But Dylan's parties were epic.

Fuck being grounded. She was going, she could walk there in five minutes and be back before her asshole parents got back. They'd never know.

She'd wear the new skirt that torqued her father off. Too short my ass! Hell, it was supposed to show off her ass. And no panties, flash 'em a little pussy and let the boys wish!

The party was epic. Whatever was in the bottle Jason passed around was flaming! Then the caps that Kurt gave her were the best. At least she thought so, she didn't remember much after that. She must have made it home before her parents because they weren't on her case, but damn, she sure hurt down there. What the fuck happened?

That question contained its own answer.

 

My Enhanced Diary

Let me introduce myself. I started life as John Paul Waldrop, as you might have guessed my parents were fond of the Pope who made so many changes in the Catholic church. I was son of a kick-ass lawyer and an occupational health and safety specialist. The family joke was Dad would cite his clients for their screw-ups and Mom would get them off.

From just about the earliest time I can remember I just plain knew that there was something wrong. I didn't feel like a boy, I was sure I was a girl. I hid it for many years, but by the time I was eighteen I knew I was a woman. Trouble is, I'm also a bit of a coward, I was afraid to come out.

I was also rather stupid and slightly insane. My therapist doesn't like that description, but I think it's close enough to the truth. I turned the money I had saved into traveler's checks and took a trip to Mexico to 'find myself''. What I actually did was find a doctor to do an orchiectomy, so I actually lost part of myself. I haven't missed it, not in the slightest. I no longer had to worry about developing further as a man, and at the time that was enough.

By the time I was a bit older I don't claim to have been all that much wiser or less insane, but at least my therapist Emma kept me from being too crazy. As you will see, I'm not sure how well she succeeded or I wouldn't have this story to tell.

In the freewheeling atmosphere of college I started to let Hope out of the closet, mostly at parties and in bars - you know how that goes when you're in college. Trouble was, it was John-Paul who was becoming known as a photographer, not Hope. I was afraid to let her out and lose my reputation and livelihood.

Then, when I was twenty-three my grandparents died unexpectedly. Grandma Norma dropped dead of a heart attack. Her heart had been dodgy for a few years, but it still blindsided the family when she died. I was close to my grandmother and it devastated me. Grandpa Walter took it hard, so hard that three days later he got drunk and drove head-on into an 18 wheeler. The other driver was only shaken up. Grandpa's little car wasn't much against that behemoth, but I still feel sorry for what the man had to go through.

That's when I finally broke down and saw a shrink, and it wasn't long before my gender issues were revealed. The first shrink didn't really understand gender issues, so he referred me to Emma and she's been helping me cope ever since.

I inherited a bit of money and their home. I was financially stable - well almost - I finally came out and started down the path to outwardly become the woman I was inside.

My parents had a hard time understanding, as did I, but they loved me and we managed to work things out. I was well on my way to transitioning when my life took a very unexpected turn. I had started hormones and my body was changing, but there was still that psychological barrier that held me back from going full time.

I was out and about as Hope often enough that my friends were aware and most were accepting of my tentative transition, but in my professional life I was still John-Paul. I'm a professional photographer, and quite a successful photographer at that. In the world of modeling gender fluidity is no big deal, but I still made a good deal of my income from family portraits and weddings and such. Seems silly from the perspective of the slightly older woman I have become, but no matter how sure I was that I was a woman, fear of humiliation or loss of customers or whatever held me back.

This is the story of how that suddenly changed. I call it an enhanced diary or a fictionalized journal; I did keep a diary of sorts through most of my life. Today I watched my daughter walk into the big, brick school building to start kindergarten and I couldn't help but go back and read that diary. The story is interesting enough that I've decided to write it up in more detail with the things I remember and try to make it as immediate as it felt back then.

I do have to warn you that I don't intend to let the letter of the law or piddling things like how the courts and the Department of Social Services actually work get in the way of telling a good story. Perry Mason would be right at home in my courtroom, even if my lawyer mother would have a conniption. So grab hold of your seats, it's been quite a ride.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015 - Early morning

On this beautiful fall day, John-Paul Waldrop had nothing scheduled, but I was up considerably before dawn anyway. I wanted to get some pictures of the sunrise, so naturally I had to be up before the sun rose.

Actually, that's not quite accurate. Hope Waldrop wanted to get some pictures of the sunrise. There was no way John Paul was going to waste this beautiful day when Hope could be enjoying it. The hormones were starting to show results, but my final declaration to the world that Hope was here to stay and John Paul was one with history was somewhere in the near future. I was not quite ready to make the change permanent until the hormones had a little more time to do their job. I easily filled an A cup and it wouldn't be long before I need a bra for physical support, not just the emotional kind.

I'm twenty-six years old, and Hope has been described as an interesting woman. Certainly not beautiful, perhaps handsome might do, or even striking. Long, blonde hair, (after all this is California) rounded face with blue eyes and a small nose. I still use falsies. I know, vanity - but I want to look like a woman when I present as a woman, not an overage teenager. Shoulders perhaps a bit wide, hips still a bit narrow but dressed in a sweet, cap sleeved print blouse, flirty mauve skirt ending slightly below the knee and sandals I think I made a pretty typical California specimen.

Being California - the place with all the nuts and flakes according to some people - I haven't been hiding the Hope part of my personality, but mostly have been John-Paul in my professional life. As the time to transition approaches, I have been even more open.

Hang a high-end SLR around my neck just above my modest enhanced bust, a camera case and a purse and presto! You have a the appearance of a bona-fide tourist. You see them all over the place in California.

With sleep still in my eyes, I made a pilgrimage through the McDonalds drive-thru. Contently nibbling on a steak bagel and sipping coffee, I headed for the mountains. Driving the twisty mountain roads in the predawn was a challenge, but the view from the top made it all worth it.

I took the time to set up my equipment at my chosen spot then, sipping the last of the coffee, waited as the glow in the east brightened. Then I started taking a snap every few seconds to capture the glorious sunrise frame by frame until the ball of light stood dramatically above the peaks.

As I carefully packed up my equipment I noticed the tram cables fading off into the distance. It had been quite a while since I rode the on the tram. Why not do it today? I could always get some good candid shots of the people enjoying their day.

So I drove back down the mountain road, much more enjoyable now that it was light and parked in the lot for the tram. Fitting the telephoto lens on my camera, I left the camera bag behind. Candid photos are much more easily obtained from a distance, so I didn't need any of my other lenses.

As I headed toward the ticket booth a car pulled in at a far higher speed than was prudent. A young girl got out, but something seemed off to my photographer's eye. Yes, my transgendered soul winced at the oversized shirt, ragged pants and hiking boots the girl was wearing, but that wasn't the problem.

I faded back a bit and continued to watch as the young girl - a very young girl - reached in the back seat and pulled out a baby carrier.

Now I was really interested. The girl looked far too young to be a mother, but history had shown that age isn't a barrier to pregnancy. Loaded down with the carrier and a diaper bag, the girl headed for the ticket booth, but not directly. Her gait was odd and she couldn't seem to keep walking in a straight line. Following a couple of rows of cars behind, I took a couple of snaps, knowing full well that all I was going to get was the back of the girl, but what the hell, I had a big memory card.

The girl bought her ticket, apparently with some difficulty. I was too far away to hear the conversation, but the girl spent a lot of time digging through her purse. At last the girl proceeded through to the waiting area; so I quickly bought my ticket and followed.

Sitting as far from the girl as I could, I studied my subject. There was something odd about her eyes - could the girl be high on something? So far the baby seemed to be asleep, but the girl's body language seemed to be ignoring the infant. Strange. I surreptitiously added a few more images, taken with the camera sitting on my lap while I glanced at the camera screen. Autofocus had its uses.

Eventually the empty tram arrived - nobody was going down this early in the morning - so the girl, the baby and I were the only passengers. I tried a smile but the girl utterly ignored my presence. If you ever needed an example of the 'thousand yard stare,' this girl was just who you needed.

I was admiring the view, but suddenly a loud crash startled me. The girl was standing at the tram window with a hammer and systematically smashing it out. With a strange smile the girl cried 'Now I can fly!' as she crawled through the broken window. I was frozen in shock, but finally I leaped to try and catch the girl but it was too late, she was gone.

Still staring at the shards of glass and the discarded hammer beneath the hole where the window had been, I could only stand frozen and try to process what had just happened. It was unreal, this sort of thing just didn't happen!

My trance was broken by the cry of the baby. No woman, transgendered or otherwise, could ignore that cry. I looked at the infant, maybe a month old, starting to wiggle and fuss in the carrier. I wasn't exactly ignorant of infants, having had occasional visits to my brother's home when his children were small. Of course, a photographer has to develop some expertise in jollying children to take a portrait. Not exactly proper training for caring for a suddenly motherless infant, but there wasn't anyone else, was there?

A glance out the window told me the tram terminus was fast approaching, so I seated herself while still trying to comfort the infant. A certain odor in the air made the problem quite obvious, but it would have to wait until the tram was stationary. Just what was I going to say to whoever was waiting at the station?

The door opened and I began to frantically wave at the kid who was at the controls.

"We've got a problem here!" I shouted.

"What's the problem?" the kid replied.

"Some crazy woman took a hammer to the window and jumped out of the tram!"

"What?"

The kid was having a problem processing something so strange, too.

"Some crazy woman took a hammer to the window and jumped out of the tram! She said something about being able to fly and out she went! You'd better call the cops and the rescue people. I doubt if she's still alive, but somebody needs to check."

"Right," he finally responded.

You'd better hold the car, too. The cops will want to look at it, I suspect I've got to go and change this baby before it wakes the dead."

The infant was getting louder as we spoke. Retrieving the diaper bag and carrier, I adjourned to the ladies room and held my breath while changing the kid. How can milk go in white and sweet and come out brown and disgusting? Another mystery for the universe to unravel.

Fishing around in the diaper bag, I found some formula and water, so I read the directions. Not having any idea how much a baby this size would eat, I filled the bottle with water from the diaper bag and added the powder, then shook it robustly.

I knew from the movies that a mother always dripped some formula on her wrist before feeding the baby, but just what did that do? I'd have to ask my sister-in-law sometime. I must have got it right, because with the little girl - at least I knew that much after changing her - quieted down and suckled happily.

Seated with the child cradled in my arms and watching that beatific face, I had a sudden urge to take the darling home and provide all the love an nurturing her mother would no longer be able to give her. Sure, I had watched my niece and nephew in the throes of a major tantrum, but right now this child could do no wrong.

With the tram out of service, it took quite awhile for anyone to get up to the top on the service road. By the time the authorities arrived, the child had been fed and was once again sleeping in her carrier. The poor thing had no idea just what she was in for. I felt intensely protective of my little charge, no one was going to hurt this child if I had anything to say about it!

I told her story over and over, showing everyone the tram and the girl's purse. The police identified her as Lillian Terrell, seventeen years old. Christ, seventeen years old and she killed herself and left her child behind! I told the cops I had pictures of the girl I had taken before boarding the tram, offering to duplicate the memory card when I got back to my laptop in my car. I also gave them the description of Lillian's vehicle.

Eventually I strapped the baby seat into the back of a 4-wheel drive SUV as best I could and settled in beside her for the trip down the mountain. It was a good thing the little girl (name unknown as of yet) was too young to understand what was outside the SUV windows. I wasn't and kept my eyes closed for much of the journey. This was a lot more hairy than the roads I had traveled in the morning and the 4-wheel drive was certainly necessary!

At least at the bottom of the mountain there was someplace for me and the baby to have some quiet time. Funny how my day of wandering the mountains and maybe a stop for pizza had turned into Hope's Mobile Day Care. Not that I was unhappy with the baby. I suppose every male-to-female transperson had a secret - or not so secret - longing to be a mother.

After a while we could hear the thumpa-thumpa of the helicopter as they searched for the body. I was awkwardly playing a game on my phone one handed to pass the time as I cuddled the baby when a loud and belligerent voice demanded "Where's that goddam junkie daughter of mine. I'm sick and tired of her making me come and bail her out of her own stupidity!"

°°Not a good sign,°° I thought. °°If he thinks I'm going to let him have this sweet little one they're going to need that helicopter to medevac him to the hospital.°°

"Please, Mr Terrell. We need to talk. If you would come with me?" came a stern female voice.

"Who the hell's in charge here? I don't need to talk to some damned flunky!"

°°He may need a hearse and not a helicopter if he keeps that up.°°

"I am Lieutenant Ursula Sanders, and I'm in charge here. If you would control yourself, there is a room where we can talk in private."

"Fuck private. Just tell me where that bitch junkie is so I can get her the hell home!"

"Mr Terrell, your daughter is most likely lying dead on the side of the mountain. You will not be taking her home, I'm afraid."

"Shit! So she finally killed herself with her fucking drugs. When you find her just stuff her in the ground and send me the bill. I'm just fucking glad I don't have to chase her all over hell any more."

The only reason he didn't slam the door was because the electronic sliding doors couldn't be slammed. The silence in the place was profound.

"I just love this job," muttered the Lieutenant. "You never know how someone will react when you tell them their loved ones are dead, but that's the strangest reaction I've ever had."

"I know we're trained to say 'loved one', Lieutenant, but if that bastard loves anyone it should be headline news." her sergeant opined.

"You may be right, Sarge. You may be right."

I came over to the policemen and said "He never even asked about the baby!"

"No, he didn't. so I suppose I have one more thing to do here. Thank you for being so kind and watching her, you've made my life much easier."

"And mine much richer. I don't even know her name."

"Dawn. We found some papers in her mother's purse, so at least we know that much.

"Do you believe in kismet, Lieutenant?"

"Not unless it's admissible in court."

"I suppose with your job you'd have to be that way. Anyway, the only reason I'm here holding little Dawn is because I got up early this morning to photograph the sunrise from the top of the mountain."

"However it happened, I'm damn glad you're here. I suppose I need to get hold of family services to take care of the baby."

"I think I can make your life even easier," I said. "One of my poker buddies is a county social worker. I could call him and see if he could help out."

"Could you?

"I'll enjoy hitting Darryl with something besides a full house."

"You seem to have developed a rapport with little Dawn."

"Professional training. I'm a photographer and making kids happy long enough to get it on film is a major asset in my line of work."

"Thank you, Ms Waldrop. I'll check back with you in a while."

"Hope, please. No need to be formal on my part. I'll stick to Lieutenant so I don't undermine your discipline with your troops."

"Thank you, Hope. I'm glad you understand the need."

"I've learned, Lieutenant. Go do your job and I'll call Daryl.

 

I called Daryl and was maybe half a second from getting that annoying woman's voice saying 'You have reached three eight…" when he picked up.

"Yo John Paul! How they hanging, buddy?"

Obviously he wasn't at work with that greeting.

"It's Hope and they are certainly not hanging anywhere at the moment, you sexist pig. You need to update your contact list."

"Well pardon me all to hell, madam."

"You are pardoned, but don't you have to be convicted before you get pardoned?"

"What? You giving up photography and becoming a lawyer like your mother?

"Nope, I'll keep the photography and become a mother, I think."

"Whatever you're smoking I think I want some too. It has to be some seriously good shit."

"Seriously, it's been a hell of a day and I need your help."

"You say that like it was breaking news or something. I've known you need help for years but have tactfully not pointed it out."

"Your professional help. Daryl, I watched a seventeen your old girl commit suicide this morning and I'm standing here holding her baby right now. I need help and so does the kid."

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"As serious as a broken body laying on the side of a mountain with the rescue people trying to recover it."

"Damn!"

"Yeah. I am not letting this adorable little girl be abandoned to the system, not after holding her in my arms all day. Daryl, I'm thinking seriously of adopting her. Her grandfather is a complete asshole and never even asked about her when he came to bitch out everyone about his daughter. He just got even more pissy when they told her she's dead.

"You don't do things by halves, do you?"

"I never admired Solomon for that trick he played on those women. Daryl, little Dawn needs a home and she needs one now. I'm willing, but I know I just can't take her home with me and live happily ever after. That's where you come in, buddy."

"I admire your spirit, Hope, but do you have any idea of the shitstorm you're in for when a tranny asks to adopt a baby?"

"I think I do, but I'm not going to let this little girl be hurt. I watched her mother kill herself, Daryl. You know there were a few times I seriously contemplated killing myself until I got my head straight about being transgendered. I can't do anything less."

"There goes my evening in front of the TV. Where are you, Hope?"

"You know where the cable car is, I'm there. Just look for all the cops and I'll be there somewhere."

"Hang in there. Help is on the way."

 

Shortly before sundown the news came that the helicopter had located the body. The rescue teams would attempt to retrieve it when daylight returned - no sense risking more people in the dark.

The police were packing up and Lieutenant Sanders was starting to get worried about what to do about little Dawn when Daryl arrived. Spotting me in full female mode, sitting on a chair and making silly noises to an infant in my lap, Daryl came to a sudden halt. Yes he knew that John Paul was transitioning, he had even seen Hope a time or two, but this woman with a baby was not something he was prepared for.

"Quite as sight, isn't it?" asked a police Lieutenant.

"It certainly is, ma'am. Daryl Compton, social worker with the county."

"Ursula Sanders. I'm with the police."

"Maybe we should get the county to spring for uniforms for us so people know who we are just by looking."

"I've been on a few calls with social workers. I'm not sure it would be such a good idea to mark yourself as a target."

"I guess you're right. Hard to believe that's the guy I play poker with on Saturday afternoons."

"Wait - guy you play poker with?"

"Oh shit! I'm rattled and I have a big mouth. That's supposed to be confidential."

"As long as it doesn't have any bearing on the situation here, I'll forget you said anything. The human aftermath is your bailiwick, not mine."

"Thanks, Lieutenant. I haven't got a clue what to do in a situation like this and neither has my supervisor. Normally we'd have the child taken to stay with foster parents, but right now we don't have anyone cleared for infant care available. I've known Hope since we were in kindergarten together and I'd trust her with my life, but she's not trained as a foster parent."

"Catch 22?"

"Yeah, except I'm the one going mental."

"If it means anything, I've been watching her with that baby for quite a few hours and there is a clear bond forming. I raised three of them myself and that's a mother and daughter over there if I've ever seen one."

"So it seems. The boss left it up to me and I'm going to make an executive decision. If Hope is willing, she has temporary custody until this whole mess is straightened out."

"Good luck with that! She may be the mother of the bride before the courts get around to acting."

"They aren't that bad. Maybe her first communion…"

"You're an optimist."

 

"You going to introduce me to my goddaughter, Hope?"

"Oh! Hi Daryl, glad to see you. May I present Miss Dawn Terrell."

"Dawn, eh? Now there's an appropriate name. I suspect by the time dawn arrives in the skies you're going to be one sleep-deprived mother figure."

"Really?" Hope's face was beaming. "I can keep her?"

"Overnight, at least. Tomorrow we can petition for custody and talk to the grandparents and my boss and the lawyers and who knows what else. You just shot my week's schedule all to hell."

"Yeah, I know. I have a studio session tomorrow at nine. Ought to be interesting when I show up with a baby in tow."

"You're making the big switch, then?"

"Made it the first time I picked up little Dawn. She doesn't need to get confused about who her new mommy is."

"Amazing! Are you OK for the night with baby things?"

"I'm going to stop and get some essentials. Lieutenant? If I could trouble you to get the baby seat from her mother's car? I wouldn't want anything to happen to Dawn in my care."

"Certainly, Hope. I don't know why you're doing this, but I don't think I've ever met a woman quite like you."

"You don't know the half of it, Lieutenant."

"It's none of my business, but I want to know how it all turns out. I'd appreciate hearing from you, Hope. Not as a cop, but as a mother."

"Mother-to-mother then, Ursula. I just might need some help learning to be an instant mother. You'll hear from me."

 

I knew I was a girl from about the age of four, even if the rest of the world didn't. Unusually for a boy, I did a lot of babysitting as a teen, so taking care of a baby was nothing new. Acquiring clothes and supplies from scratch for an infant - now that was a learning experience.

When I arrived at my friendly, neighborhood Big Box store I began to realize just what I had put myself in for. I could no longer just get out of the car and start shopping. Find a cart, figure out how the baby carrier attaches, load the cart with the diaper bag. Baby starts fussing after the transfer, do the Basic Baby Check - wet diaper, very wet diaper.

Remove carrier from cart, enter ladies room, put baby on baby change thingie on the wall, discover there are no more diapers in the diaper bag. Return baby to carrier, return carrier to cart, find baby department. Puzzle over just what size diaper is needed, put box in cart, pay for box.

Remove carrier from cart, enter ladies room, put baby on baby change thingie on the wall, change baby. Return baby to carrier, return carrier to cart, take diapers to car so some security guard won't think I'm shoplifting. That could be embarrassing. Find baby department once again.

Half an hour and nothing accomplished but a dry baby.

Now I have been shopping for clothes for both sides of my personality for years, but this was my first venture into baby-land. Terra incognita, indeed!

I knew that pacifiers disappear and re-appear with disturbing regularity, so toss a couple in the cart. Baby bottles - check. Another can of formula - they want how much!? The kid could live on caviar cheaper. OK, check the formula.

Baby towels - the kid's gotta puke sometime. What else? Darned if she knew. Only one thing to do, haul out the cell phone.

"Hi Alan, it's your aunt Hope. Can I speak to your mother?"

"HEY MA! AUNT HOPE WANTS YOU ON THE PHONE!"

Oh my aching eardrum. I think the lady two aisles over heard that.

"Oh, Aunt Hope, is it?"

"From this day forward, Judy. The day has come."

"Well hot damn! I thought you were going to wait a while."

"I was, but I became a mother this morning."

"You want to say that again? I couldn't have heard that right."

"You probably did. I became a mother this morning."

"And I thought I had married the crazy one in the family."

"Judy, never underestimate the power of sibling rivalry."

"I hesitate to think of what Ralph will try to top that one. But back to this motherhood business. I didn't know the techniques were so advanced that you could get pregnant nine months before you had the operation."

"Medical science can work many miracles. The trick is to pay for them…"

"And you're going to pay big time if you don't start explaining."

"You been listening to the news today?"

"A little bit. Why? I didn't hear your name."

"Fortunately. Did you hear about the woman who jumped out of the cable car?"

"Yeah. I thought those things had safety locks on their safety locks. How did she manage to do it?"

"With a hammer on the window. Judy, I watched her do it."

"NO!"

"I'm afraid so. She left her month old baby behind."

"Hope, are you all right? I can't imagine…"

"I've been too busy to think much about it. I have a month old foster daughter to take care of now. I couldn't abandon her to the system. No way."

"Hope, when you do something, you don't do it half way."

"You're not the first one to tell me that today."

"So how can I help?"

"I'm in the baby section of the store and I need some help to know just what I need for the next few days. I don't know how long I'll have her, but if there is any way on god's green earth to do it, I think I want to adopt her."

"Hope, not only were you one hell of a good guy, you're one hell of a good woman. Utterly crazy, but that little kid is going to be very lucky to have you as her mother. I mean that, I really do."

"Her name is Dawn, and I need to get the shopping done because I know that face - she's ready to eat again."

"They always are. OK, you'll need something like a porta-crib for her to sleep in, but only get enough stuff for overnight. Lord knows why I kept it, but I have boxes of baby clothes in the attic that Ralph has been bugging me to get rid of. I'm out of the baby business. Permanently."

"You just made me a very happy woman. The county will eventually give me some money to help, but my charge card is going to get a workout."

"A bit different than shopping for your feminine side, isn't it?"

"Terra incognita. So what should I get?"

"A couple of blankets, onesies, washcloths…"

If I thought the cart was full coming into the store with one small infant girl, the cart was overflowing when I left.

Thursday, September 24, 2015 - 4:00 AM
How is it that the very same behavior that is so fetchingly cute at 4 PM is downright annoying at 4 AM. Changing a baby at 4 AM is a monumental challenge when you are sleep deprived because you were up to all hours on the net trying to find out how to be a good mother.

At least I knew what this dripping a bottle on your wrist was all about. If the formula was comfortable on your wrist then you wouldn't freeze or scald the baby.

Who knew? My determination to become a woman had never included being a mother - biology can only be stretched so far!

Resting in the rocking chair, the baby crooked in my elbow and the bottle propped just so, the little darling slurped away. Thank heavens I had gotten that rocker on a whim a couple of years ago. I had hardly used it since I got it, but it sure looked like it was going to be the most useful piece of furniture in the place.

The baby slowed down, then stopped. Placing one of the new baby towels over my shoulder, I patted and rocked until a burp the size of Texas emerged from that rose-petal mouth. Also some white glop that soaked into the towel, but I was too busy assuring little Dawn she was the world's best baby to notice.

Dawn was still restless, and rocking didn't seem to be helping. Noticing the sucking motion of Dawn's lips, I thought it was pacifier time. Naturally that was in the bedroom and the rocker was in the living room. On impulse, I shifted my nightgown and brought Dawn to my breast buds. Not much there, but what the hey?

The kid latched on and settled right in as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Who knows, maybe it was. I was suffused with an overwhelming joy of having a baby at my breast. After this, nothing was going to separate me and Dawn until the child grew up and went off on her own.

Nothing!

Thursday, September 24, 2015 - 7:00 AM

Morning came far too soon after that four o'clock feeding. I managed to get dressed and hide my tired eyes with a bit more makeup than usual before feeding and changing Dawn. I made coffee by rote, shoveled down some Rice Krispies and a banana, then opened the door to the studio.

I live in a very nice place I inherited from my Grandparents when they passed away way too soon. My older brother (by ten years) Ralph was already married and had his own place when they died, so they figured I should get the house. Four bedrooms, one for me, one for guests, one for the computers and such to process my photography and one to fill with junk. I had separate living and dining rooms and a very functional kitchen. I converted the three car garage into a studio, so I have lots of room for my professional work.

I hadn't planned on having a baby when I converted the garage to a studio, but it sure turned out to be a great idea. I was glad my cameras and equipment were already set up and I didn't have to schlep them along with a baby to a distant studio.

If I'd been any more awake I might have worried about what my crew and my subjects might think of my sudden gender change, although it had been pretty much an open secret. Fortunately, Dawn was the one that got all the attention, Hope was just there to provide a sideshow.

This was to be a fashion shoot, several young models, makeup, wardrobe, annoying publicity hacks with grand ideas, the whole nine yards. The models were distracted by the baby. The photographer was hard put to concentrate with a baby in the carrier clinging to her artificially inflated bosom. Eventually professionalism reigned, and Dawn didn't seem to be bothered by the flashing lights or general hubbub.

In fact, there was a bit of a bun fight among the models when feeding time came. Strangely, it was the publicity hack that won the day, Dawn was happy with the result - a full tummy - and I was happy with the quiet baby and the pictures. There were some very genuine smiles on the models, and it only took a couple more hours than was scheduled.

When I had finished and everyone had gone home, I checked my phone to find several messages from Darrel.

"Darrel, you called?"

"Jesus girl, I thought you had taken off with the baby or something. Don't you ever answer your phone?"

"I turn it off when I'm working. People are paying me for my time, not to talk to someone else."

"Well, we found a judge for you to talk to tomorrow. I'm afraid the news people have gotten hold of the story and your anonymity has been shot to hell."

"Oh joy. Well, you know what they say - any publicity is good publicity."

"Not when you're my boss, Hope. I'll deny this if it gets out, but the new director of this place is a political hack who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. He also thinks this position is a stepping stone to be the next county exec. He's having conniptions because you're a tranny."

"I'm not giving her up, Darrel. Not without a fight."

"Good for you. Now all we have to do is convince the judge. The good news - for you - is that the grandparents don't want anything to do with the baby, they're willing to give her up for adoption. You need to get yourself a lawyer right away and file the papers as fast as you can."

"I suppose that means I'm not going to be able to have a nap with Dawn."

"Late night, Hope?"

"I always laughed at the jokes about four o'clock feedings. I'm not laughing any more."

"My wife breastfed, I couldn't help her there."

"I almost wish I could, you know."

"Talk to your endocrinologist. I've heard rumors and you're already taking hormones."

"Really? If I ever wake up again I'll have to do just that. Thanks, Darrel, you're a prince."

"Don't thank me yet. One of my colleagues is going to pay you a visit tomorrow morning to inspect your home and ask you a whole lot of very intrusive questions. I'd do it but we don't want anyone to scream collusion or quid pro quo because we know each other. I e-mailed you a form that will have you answering a whole bunch more intrusive questions. Get it filled out ASAP and e-mail it back so we have time to wave a magic wand over it and make it official in time for court."

"I have appointments tomorrow, Darrel"

"If you want to keep Dawn you're going to have to reschedule."

"When you put it that way…"

"I do. You don't know how many favors I called in for you, lady. This stuff usually takes weeks or months to get through."

"I take it back, Darrel. You're not a prince - you're the freaking king!"

"I'd say I was the fairy godfather but that might be misinterpreted. Two o'clock tomorrow in Judge Mika's courtroom in the municipal building. And bring the baby, OK?"

"And a lawyer. Maybe she can hold the baby while she's telling everybody what a good mother I am."

"Hope, I've known you're a mother for years and years."

"And I intend to prove it, Darrel."
 

Thursday, September 24, 2015 - 1:18 PM

I need a lawyer. Somehow my business lawyer isn't quite what I need right now, corporate law this whole thing isn't!

And I need a lawyer by tomorrow. I knew the answer, I just didn't like it. Making foolish faces and watching little Dawn sort-of-smile was much more satisfying. With a sigh, I fished the cell phone from my purse.

"John Paul Waldrop," came the voice from the phone. "I thought you'd never call your poor, aged mother again."

"I bet you don't look any older than you looked at dinner on Tuesday."

"I count at least six gray hairs since then, not that I'm counting."

"Excellent, you'll look very distinguished before the jury the next time you get some miscreant off."

"Only if you're a man, gray hair on a woman looks dowdy."

"I'll remember that when my time comes. And Mom - it’s Hope from now on."

"So you've gone and done it."

"I started HRT long ago, but circumstances have forced my hand. I've just become a mother."

It has to be said that I truly enjoyed doing that to my mother. The reaction was all I could ask for.

"Have you lost your tiny little mind along with your manhood?"

"Mother, you can't be implying that I think with my dick. Really!"

"Don't change the subject. What's this mother business?"

So once again I related my event-filled trip to the mountains. Precisely on cue, little Dawn began to make baby noises into the phone.

"That's the baby, isn't it?" my mother inquired.

"That's what I've just been telling you. Your new granddaughter."

"You don't do things by halves, do you?"

"So I've been told."

"So my part in this, besides being an instant grandmother, is…?"

"I need a lawyer. The crazies got wind of the whole thing and they don't want a tranny to have a baby."

"I wish you wouldn't call yourself a 'tranny.' That's a loaded word."

"All right. The crazies don't want a transwoman to have a baby. You know the drill."

"So I do, but transgender adoption is settled law since, what, 2003?"

"I know, but you know how the crazies work. If they lose in one place they start picking away somewhere else. This isn't adoption, right now I'm a temporary foster parent, one that isn't certified or whatever they call it. Darrel went out on a limb for me because there wasn't anyone else available to take Dawn. I'll be damned if I'll abandon her to the system."

"You'll be damned anyway, Hope. I don't understand why you think you're a woman and I don't understand why you want this child, but that's your decision. You're my child and I'll go to bat for you. Besides, I like tying crazies in knots. If this just happened, how did the crazies get wind of it?"

"There are assholes and ideologues in every profession. Someone at the county must have called one of the crazies. There were some uh - vigorous - discussions according to Darrel. Darrel is pissed, but the word is the crazies are filing for an injunction or a stop order or whatever you lawyers call it to keep the baby away from the the pervert."

"The pervert being my, uh, daughter. I'll need to get together with you and Darrel before we get to court. Always best to know what you're talking about before you get in front of the judge. Who's hearing the case, do you know?"

"Somebody named Mika."

"That's good. You can reason with him. Call up Darrel and let's get going on this. It's a good thing I'm semi-retired so I have time for this crap. Besides, I want to meet my granddaughter.
 

Thursday, September 24, 7:25 PM

"Hello?"

"Is this Hope? Ursula Sanders here."

"Ah! My favorite lieutenant. Actually, you're the only lieutenant I know so you would have to be my favorite."

"Just call me Ursula; I've had quite enough of being a lieutenant for today."

"I suppose my rough days don't hold a candle to your rough days."

"There are some… Anyway - I just wanted to let you know we recovered the mother's body this afternoon. Darrel and I had a talk with her parents - that's the polite term for it - and I have an immense appreciation for Darrel's people skills. If there was any way to toss that bastard in the jug I would have been happy to do it. And don't you dare tell anyone I said that!"

"Said what? We must have a bad connection."

"Actually, I think we have a pretty good connection. You're the kind of people who make this job worth doing."

"I'm flattered."

"Unofficially, the grandparents signed away anything to do with Dawn and the father is unknown, which should help you tomorrow. I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Thanks, Ursula. I have been a bit worried."

"Well, you've got me for a character witness if you need one."

"I'll keep it in mind, if I stay awake long enough. Instant motherhood comes with things I never thought of."

"Like sleep deprivation. How well I remember! You will get through it and she should start sleeping a little longer fairly soon now."

"You give me hope, Ursula."

"You're already Hope, Hope."

"Ack!"
 

Friday, September 25, 2015 - Way too early in the morning

I wonder if I'm ever going to get used to a baby's schedule? Up twice to feed her, the second time I woke up in the rocker at eight in the morning. Now she's sleeping and I'm vacuuming and picking up the place for the social worker's visit. Suzy homemaker indeed!

I had filled out all the forms and printed them for the social worker. By the time I had finished I realized just how many favors Darrel had to pull in to rush this through. It usually takes months to get through all the things that need to be done before the State will trust you with somebody's little kid. Even though I easily met most of the requirements, there was a long list of them.
 

*18 years or older

*Single, married or in a long term relationship

*Have a safe and insured vehicle

*Have a working phone

*The child must have it's own bed

*You have to have a job

*No more than six children in the home

*Infants and toddlers will be required to have full-time at-home parent care.

 
And that was just the first paragraph. I wondered if the social worker would consider working in my in-home studio acceptable?

Then there was training, fingerprinting, background checks, TB tests, CPR and first aid training and on and on and on. If parents who got their kids the normal way had to meet all these requirements, humanity would have gone extinct and rats would rule the world.

The house was as nice as I could make it, not that I let it get too bad most of the time, but I was still nervous. Not surprising when someone was going to pass judgement on my competence to be a mother in a few minutes. Finally the doorbell rang and I opened the door.

"Hello, I'm Roweena Sherwood, from the DSS. You must be Hope."

"Yes, I am. Come in and meet little Dawn. Unlike me, she gets to sleep on her own schedule."

"Wouldn't that be nice. I'm not much of a morning person myself."

"I'm usually a morning person, but I usually don't get up twice a night to feed a baby."

"Comes as quite a shock to the system, especially since you weren't expecting it."

"It has its rewards, especially when she smiles."

"That it does. I usually like to start off with a tour of the home."

"Certainly. Come this way."

So I showed her the place, bedrooms, the usual other rooms and, of course, my studio. She took the time to look through the paperwork, then asked me a whole bunch of intrusive questions, just as Darrel had warned me. I don't think she was expecting me to have any experience with children, though.

"So Hope, can you tell me if you've cared for any infants before now?"

"About a dozen, all told."

"Really?"

"I did a lot of babysitting while I was in school. I can show most of them to you if you're interested."

"You can?"

"I'm a photographer, I take pictures of everything!"

I handed her the album of baby pictures from my babysitting days. I took many of them, but the parents of the kids gave me copies to keep, so I was in quite a few of them. I was a funny looking, kid who often looked faintly confused. I suppose that was because I was faintly confused about just who I was.

"Of course, you realize this is from before I transitioned, so the boy in the pictures is me."

"Really. I have to admit I haven't worked with anyone transgendered yet."

"Not too surprising. I don't know anybody in my transgendered circle who is raising a young child, though several have older children or adult children. To tell you the truth, I had no expectation of becoming a mother until it happened."

"The unusual aspects of this case have gotten the department in quite a flutter."

"The story of my life. I'm sure that you realize I am no stranger to controversy, being a boy who knew he was really a girl. I understand there are some folks who are trying to prevent me from keeping Dawn, and I'll see them in court this afternoon."

"So I understand, but my only function is to evaluate your home and you as to how well you will be able to care for Dawn."

Roweena had more questions, but I didn't sense any hostility, just a caring human being trying to do her job to insure Dawn was placed in a good home.

"I do have one question for you, Roweena," I said.

"Go ahead."

"This whole infants and toddlers have to have a full-time at-home parent business. I work at home, but I know bureaucracies well enough to wonder if that's enough."

"At least that's not a new problem. The regulations were written before it became more common to work at home. I don't think you have to worry as long as you can take care of her when she needs it."

"She has a way of letting everybody know when she wants attention. That shouldn't be a problem."

Just about then Dawn woke up hungry, so I fixed her bottle and fed her while we talked. I'm sure I saw approval on Roweena's face as I did so. I think Dawn was slightly miffed that I didn't let her suck on me after the bottle, though. Dawn and I had a short nap after Roweena left, which we both needed by then.
 

Friday, September 25, 2015 - 2 PM

If the only courtroom you've ever seen was on the Tube, you're bound to be disappointed by the real thing. Having a lawyer for a mother I've sat in a few of them to watch her work and it's usually boring! Sometimes you get someone who spins a good tale as to why they didn't do what everybody knows they did, but mostly you get whiners or people too scared to do more than mumble. The defense lawyers can make murder seem almost mundane and lesser crimes can be as dry as a poorly written textbook.

It's a bit different when you are the subject of the hearing. At least I wasn't facing criminal charges, although the wacko from POCAP thought I should be. That's Protect Our Children Against Perverts. This guy had to be among the flakiest of California's flakes and he was sure I was a Fruit ready to sell little Dawn into slavery or prostitution or who knows what else. A very earnest fellow, indeed.

Just how he got there is a mystery, but obviously one of Darrel's colleagues thought transgendered people were not suitable parents and was willing to abandon their professional ethics to call in the nut squad.

I had never been in Family Court before, as the proceedings are usually confidential since they involved children. We weren't even in a formal courtroom, but the Judge's chambers. There was Dawn, me, Mom, Darrel, the Judge, a court reporter and the Flake. The judge seemed to be a pretty warm human being sitting in a regular chair and not behind an imposing bench.

He ran through an obviously canned spiel about this being an actual judicial proceeding but he would handle things informally due to the emergency nature of deciding Dawn's custody. Judge Mika obviously knew everybody but the Flake, so he asked why he was there.

"I'm here to protect the interests of the child, your honor"

"Your honor," interjected my Mother, "I do believe the child's interests are represented by the DSS."

"Are you related to the child?" asked the judge. "I understand her grandparents have relinquished any interest in her and there are no other relatives involved."

"I represent POCAP, your honor."

"I'm afraid I don't know what that is, sir."

"That's Protect Our Children Against Perverts."

I swear the judge did an eye-roll.

"This is a family court, I fail to see how you have any standing here."

"The community has a strong interest in protecting children from perversion, your honor."

"And just how does the placement of this child involve perversion?" fired back my Mother.

"I would be curious as to that, myself," the judge remarked.

He was not impressed, his tone of voice carried far more meaning than his simple words.

"We feel an innocent child should not be placed in the home of a man who parades around in women's clothing, your honor."

"I will ignore your loaded language for the moment, sir, but are you implying that a transgendered person is not fit to be a parent?"

"I am not implying it, your honor, I am stating it definitively."

"Then you are behind the times, sir. California law explicitly allows transgendered persons to foster and adopt children. Since you have no relation to this case, I will have to ask you to leave so we can continue this hearing."

"Your honor! I fear for the welfare of this child."

"Unless you can present anything more than a prejudice against transgendered people, I must ask you again to leave."

"Prejudice? You would allow a pervert to have access to a child? I…"

"You are coming dangerously close to contempt, sir. Leave now or I will call a bailiff to remove you."

The message finally got through to him and he left, muttering to himself.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Ms Waldrop." said the judge.

"Don't be, it's nothing new. I've been out for quite a few years and realize some people have trouble with me. I can't say it doesn't bother me, but I'm used to it. I smile and drive them crazy, that works better than losing my cool. Something I learned watching my mother in court."

"Interesting. I must say this is one of the more unusual hearings I have presided over. Of course I am well acquainted with both your mother and Darrel professionally, but to have the applicant related to the lawyer and apparently a lifelong friend of the social worker is a first."

"I've never done things quite normally, as my mother can attest."

"Be nice to the judge, Hope." my mother admonished.

"Yes, mother." I said with a grin.

"I managed to find time to review the paperwork and everything seems in order, if a bit rushed. There is no foster parent certified to handle infants available, it seems?"

"That's correct, Judge." replied Darryl.

"The report from Ms Sherwood is quite positive, she agrees that you will be an adequate caregiver for the child. I also have your statement, Darrel and of course your lawyer and mother agree you will be a good mother to Dawn. I also have a statement from a Lieutenant Ursula Sanders attesting to your ability to care for Dawn. Most unusual, I must say."

"She was the officer investigating the mother's suicide." I supplied. "We spent a considerable amount of time together while they searched for the body."

"Such a shame for a life had to end so tragically. Be that as it may, if you agree to take the required training as soon as it's available I see no problem with you continuing to care for Dawn until your guardianship can be made formal. Just how did you convince her to sleep through this hearing, anyway?"

"I fed her just before we started and that usually keeps her snoozing for half an hour or so."

"I should have been so lucky. Our last one was colicky. You're a lucky woman, Hope."

"I think so. I intend to apply to adopt Dawn just as soon as I can complete whatever paperwork is necessary. I'm not going to let her be abandoned again, your honor."

"Excellent! Then I hope I will see you once again when the adoption case comes up. I wouldn't mind at all being the judge to follow up for this darling little lady. In that case, this hearing is over and you can go home with your daughter, Hope.
 

On the way out of the courtroom, Darrel stopped me.

"Hope, you're going to have to take the baby to the well baby clinic sometime soon so the doctors can take a look at her."

"I suppose so," I answered. "A mother's work is never done."

"I could have told you that, Hope," my mother teased.

"I think you did when I started babysitting. I didn't believe it until I found out a mother can't just hand the kid back to the parents when she starts to cry."

"And who was it that wanted to become a woman?"

"Go ahead and rub it in, Mom."

"You can bet I will! But I am proud of you for stepping up and cherishing this little angel. You make your father and I proud."

"Thanks, I'm trying my best, Mom."

"If I can interrupt this love fest…" spoke Darrel.

"Go away, Darrel. I'm enjoying my mother telling me I'm a good girl."

"Good. Then take this card and call the clinic as soon as you get your fill of motherly praise. Then you'll be a good girl in the eyes of the DSS."

"Aye, aye, sir!"
 

Friday, September 25, 2015 - 7:15 PM

"Hi Ursula, it's Hope Waldrop."

"I'm glad you called. I've been thinking of you."

"You wanted to know what happened. It's been an interesting day."

"As in the Chinese curse 'may you live in interesting times?' The scuttlebutt is that you kicked some ass this afternoon. I hope you were wearing five inch spike heels when you did."

"Close, Ursula. The Judge did the ass kicking but I can't picture him in five inch spike heels. I did get inspected and interviewed to be a foster parent in the morning. The judge was a sweetheart but wasn't taking any shit. I guess it helped he knew my mother the lawyer and Darrel the social worker; he just read the paperwork and said OK. Right about now I'd say something like 'I want my Mommy' but she was with me all afternoon at the court."

"Glad you had some moral support."

"Moral support, hell! She's my lawyer and I think I must be half pit bull if I inherited my genes from her. That woman gave those crazies from POCAP a roasting worse than she ever gave me, and that's saying something."

"I hope I never have to testify against her clients in court!"

"I wouldn't want to be on the wrong end of her questioning, either. I couldn't get anything past her when I was a kid."

"You poor baby! So are you official?"

"Provisionally. I have to complete the training they require of all foster parents and jump through some hoops, but I can keep her."

"That's good to hear."

"Mom's submitting the paperwork to legally adopt her, so I need to up my hoop-jumping training to be ready. Maybe I should join a gym."

"Which, of course, the crazies will say makes you a bull dyke. Don't take this the wrong way, but I never would have guessed you're trans until all the kerfuffle this afternoon."

"I'll take it for the complement it was intended to be. It's not like I've been trying to hide it, but I haven't gone out of my way to publicize it either. I suppose those crazies are doing a fine job of spreading my personal life around without any help."

"You can't win with such people."

"Except in court. The judge didn't have much use for them. From what Mom says the judge is pissed because family court proceedings are supposed to be confidential."

"That they are. From what I've heard Mika has his head on straight. I don't get involved in family court so I have never appeared before him."

"Well, even though he was nice, I felt like disappearing. I'm not used to being the center of so much attention."

"I don't think anybody likes being the center of attention in a court. At least you weren't there for something that would lock you up for a decade or so."

"If the crazies had their way I would have been shoved in a hole in the ground and given bread and water once a week."

"And I suppose they wanted this done in Jesus' name?"

"They had enough sense not to invoke the deity in court, but the one who held forth had that TV preacher kind of speech pattern. The judge had to shut him down when he really got going."

"I'm glad you made it through. I've had to be at some pretty horrific scenes, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you did for that sweet child. Her mother was a very troubled girl and if you hadn't come along I'm afraid we would have had one more tortured child to deal with."

"And how can you be sure I'm going to be any better?"

"Women's intuition - and a long talk with Darrel."

"I'm in trouble now!"

"He tells me you haven't got a prayer of using a poker face when you get together."

"So that's why he keeps skinning me at the table!"

"Maybe as Hope you can use enough makeup to hide that inside straight."

"You ought to join us some night, penny stakes and no cigar smoking. I could use another feminine presence now that Hope is here to stay."

"That might be fun. The two of us might distract the good ole boys enough to win."

"I'm counting on Dawn to fuss at just the right moments to keep them off their game."

"Speaking of babies, how is little Dawn?"

"Laying on a rug trying to find her toes, or at least that what I think she's doing. It's hard to tell with all the random movements."

"And how much sleep has our new mother had lately?"

"Sleep? I vaguely recall hearing the word somewhere. Can you remind me what it is?"

"Like that, huh?"

"I appreciate nap time as much as Dawn."

"After today I'm thinking of finding an assistant photographer and baby-minder to help out."

"Sounds reasonable. What kind of qualifications are you looking for?"

"I really haven't gotten that far, Ursula. Someone who likes babies, can change a diaper and is interested in photography and will put up with a lousy pay scale in exchange for learning the business. While I'm at it a great cook, taxi driver, masseuse and a hunk to look at. Hell, if he's a good enough masseuse I could do live-in so there's someone to get the kinks out of my back after carrying Dawn around all day. If I'm going to dream I'm going to dream big."

"Type it all up and put it on Craigslist. You never know."

"Sure. I thought you were the pragmatic, hard-bitten cop. 'Just the facts, ma'am.' "

"You're too young to know about that show unless you're a cop."

"You-tube. Got to do something while I'm feeding the baby in the middle of the night. I'll watch anything, even Dragnet."

"You poor thing. Y'know, I just might have something for you."

"Oh?"

"One of my nieces graduated last year and is doing nothing much, but I suspect she really didn't want to go to school anyway. She's been flipping burgers part time and babysitting trying to find herself or some such euphemism for mooching off her parents. She's a good kid, though. Should I ask her if she's interested?"

"I don't know. With such a glowing recommendation…"

"She's a good kid, just doesn't know what to do with her life. Someone like you could be good for her."

"Are you seriously recommending a tranny as a role model for your niece?"

"I'm recommending the good person I met as a role model. After all, if you got past the vetting to foster Dawn, there can't be too many skeletons in your closet."

"Too many dresses and skirts in my closet to fit a skeleton."

"I should have known. I'll have her give you a call."

"Thanks, Ursula. And thanks for being a friend"
 

Saturday, September 26

Missed poker night with the boys. It would have been interesting to play poker with the boys as Hope for the first time, but I was just too damned tired to get all dressed up and drag myself and Dawn over to Phil's place for the game. Next month I'm hosting, so introducing Hope will have to wait until then. Whether it's John-Paul or Hope, I enjoy poker. I just hope that the testosterone soaked atmosphere of a poker game will not poison poor Hope.

Yeah, right!
 

Monday, September 28, 2015

Made a down payment on my fifteen minutes of fame even though it took a few hours. That doesn't make much sense, does it?

Actually, a reporter from our local weekly paper wanted to do an article on me and Dawn. As an independent businesswoman, publicity is always something that I need, I just hope the finished article concentrates on the baby and motherhood and not on the bits of my body that I need to have removed.

The reporter was an earnest young man who seemed genuinely interested in understanding what happened and learning just who I was. He seemed a bit uncomfortable with the transgender parts at first - most men are, in my experience - but asked some pertinent questions. He jumped at the chance to feed Dawn when she got hungry and had a truly bemused look on his face while burping her.

I have hopes his article will be positive, both for my business and for other transgendered people.
 

Tuesday, September 29, 2015 - 6:00 AM

Life had gotten complicated as an impromptu single mother. Silly sentence, that, but true. With little Dawn now officially my foster child, I was able to think abut the rest of my life, at least between changing and feedings. While watching the level of formula drop in Dawn's bottle, I realized that my standing appointment with Dr Emma Burke, my psychiatrist, was only a couple of hours away.

Now, up until a few days ago, appointments with Emma were a priority in my life. Having started on hormones and being ready to start my Real Life Test when my body had begun to change, the doctor held the key to my transition. Being sliced, diced and spit out by a suicide and then the court system, then being sleep deprived with a new infant made me less than aware of even such important events in my life.
I packed up all the paraphernalia required to transport a baby - weighing in at several times the child's own weight - and loaded everything in the car.
 

Tuesday, September 29, 2015 - 10:00 AM

As you might suppose, turning up at the appointment with my shrink with a baby in tow would be a pretty definite indicator that I had started the Real Life Test. Either that or the doctor would know that I had gone crazy.

"You're just full of surprises today, Hope," she greeted me.

"I've had a few surprises in my life in the last few days, Emma."

"This is going to be an interesting session. Want to tell me all about it?"

So I told her.

"Are you ready for such a major commitment?" she asked.

"Yes, I think I am, both to her and to myself. My Real Life Test started when I knew that I could not let Dawn be abandoned to the system."

"Raising a child alone under normal circumstances is difficult. I'm concerned about doing so while you are learning to be a new person at the same time."

"So am I, Emma, so am I. On the other hand, I really can't look at transition as becoming a new person, it's more not hiding who I really am. I'm finding that motherhood more than balances the four o'clock feedings and dirty diapers. At least so far, Dawn is content to watch as I work and is even an asset. You'd be surprised how much happier my clients seem when they get to make faces at the baby. Makes them much easier to photograph."

"I suppose it beats waving a stuffed monkey at them."

"I know once she's mobile I'll have to have help and babysitters, but that will wait until I get through the adoption process, if I get through it."

"I suppose as a transwoman that isn't guaranteed."

"To say the least, but I'm determined to let Dawn grow up a strong and happy woman."

"Despite your lack of a female background?"

"Maybe because of it. Maybe she'll throw me a curve ball and be transgendered herself. Now wouldn't that be a kick?"

"One problem at a time, Hope. You've taken on a lot, if you need to see me more often we can work something out. I'm proud of your compassion and determination. Just don't let it overwhelm you."

"I'll try, Emma. So far, so good. At least if I get enough coffee to keep awake."

"At least you're not nursing or that coffee would keep the little darling awake."

"I just wish I were nursing. I've let her suckle me a little bit when she's fussy, I guess I pass muster as a pacifier, at least."

"Interesting. And how does that make you feel?"

"Happy that she will suckle, sad that I can't provide nourishment directly. I'll take what I can get as long as it doesn't harm Dawn. I do feel closer to her when she's at my breast."

"I can't see how it could cause any harm, but it could cause some confusion on your part. If it does, call me."

"I will."

"And our time is almost up, but it seems your personal alarm clock is ready to either eat or get changed. Good luck to you, Hope."

"I'll need it. We're off to the Well Baby Clinic when I'm finished here."

"A mother's work is never done, is it?"

"I'm finding that out!"

Tuesday, September 29, 2015 - 1:00 PM

"Dawn Terrell?" called the lady in the green scrubs. I got up and hefted the child carrier, heading for the door into the inner sanctum.

"Lets see how much this little lady weighs, shall we?"

"She seems to get heaver as the day goes on."

"So I'm told. Hmmm - a bit light but still within the normal range. And twenty inches, also low normal. Nothing to worry about there, Ms Waldrop.

"That's good. I really haven't much idea what's normal, I'm still new at this game."

"You and most parents with a first child. Dawn is doing fine. Are you breastfeeding?"

"I just wish! She's my foster child, but I'm going to talk with my endocrinologist to see if I might be able to breastfeed."

"I'm sorry, I hadn't realized you were a foster mother."

"No problem. She's my daughter now and I intend to adopt her as fast as the system will crank out the paperwork."

"Excellent! If you would come into this room the doctor will be with you shortly."

This doctor may be a pediatrician, but I know what 'the doctor will be with you shortly' means in realspeak. I got Dawn out of her carrier and started blowing on her tummy and otherwise doing the silly things parents do with babies. I was rewarded by happy baby noises and whiled away the time until there was a knock on the door and a gray-haired gentleman in the typical doctor's white coat came in.

"Dawn and Hope? I'm Doctor Parson."

"There's always hope at dawn, don't you think?" I couldn't resist.

"So there is."

"Although she seems to think dawn occurs about four AM so far."

"No surprise there. I see that this is your initial visit. What happened with your previous pediatrician?"

"I'm fostering Dawn, so far her grandparents have not been forthcoming with much information and her mother is dead. This is to sort of establish a baseline for her."

"I'm sorry to hear about such tragedy. You have my condolences."

"Thank you, doctor. I know very little about her mother, but I've had Dawn for a week now and she seems to be a responsive and happy baby. I think she's even starting to smile at me."

"Which helps new mothers keep from killing their children, although I don't doubt that the DSS folks wouldn't approve of my saying that."

"Probably not, but I can understand how you could lose your temper with a fussy baby in the middle of the night. I'm learning the meaning of patience."

"The results are worth the effort. Let me have a look at the little mite."

The exam confirmed my thoughts, Dawn was a happy and healthy baby, if a bit underweight. Her mother must have done something right even if she was a problem child herself.
 

Wednesday, September 30, 2015 - 6:14 PM

Does this ever end? She's been a good girl all day long, sleeping or happily sucking on the pacifier while I worked. When she got fussy I loaded her into the front carrier and she snuggled into me and watched the birdie along with my clients.

How do women do this all by themselves? I'm exhausted. Dad makes jokes about having to get up every two hours to pee at night and I thought it was funny. I'm not laughing now, am I?

Dawn was fussy even after eating (drinking?) and I once again let her latch on to my breast buds. She seemed perfectly happy and so was I. In that euphoric state I turned to Google and with a one-handed, one-fingered approach Googled 'men breastfeeding.'

The results were ambiguous, but interesting. The best explanation I found was a You-Tube video by Simon Whistler that explained it all. (I have to caution you, though - I spent several hours watching his other videos while feeding my little princess. He's addicting.)

Naturally, with my shrink thinking I'm crazy and knowing it was at least theoretically possible, I called up my endocrinologist to talk to him. To further prove I'm crazy, I went on Amazon and looked at breast pumps. I sure didn't know there are breast pump bras available, but I should have one in two days, along with an electric breast pump. It may not work, but after all I've spent on Dawn a few more bucks won't kill me.
 

Friday, October 2, 2015 - 6:30 PM

I never thought I'd regret not having electrolysis done on my chest hair when I did my face. I don't have much chest hair, and with the hormones it's even lighter, but there is still some there. I figured that wearing falsies would cover it and why pay any more money? Then I became a mother.

The electric pumps and pumping bra arrived today, and it's got to be the weirdest bra I've ever seen. A fashion accessory it isn't, with two bottles hanging off your chest. It works by attaching two suction cups to your breasts and sucking, but those pesky hairs wouldn't let the suction cups seal. After some careful shaving (my leg razor worked fine) I looked like some weird robot wearing it, but I could feel the suction on my little A cups. I sure hope this works or I'm going to feel even more foolish than I feel now.
 

Saturday October 3, 2015

Talk about your very weird day! Didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but that's become the new normal. About 10 AM I was sitting in the living room with my new breast pump machine buzzing away and wearing my new pumping bra with the lovely plastic bottle accessories hanging off my nipples when I noticed some raised voices outside the window. I ignored them for a little while - moving with that rig attached is a pain - but eventually my curiosity got the better of me. Holding the pump in one hand and trying not to pull the cord out of the wall, I went to the window.

There on my lawn were three men in suits carrying picket signs. My first reaction was to grab my camera, such scenes are unusual and my instinct is to photograph the unusual. I realized I wasn't really dressed for the occasion, however, and the cord wouldn't reach into the front yard anyway.

You can tell from my reaction I was seriously lacking a good night's sleep, eh?

It took a while for one of them to turn their sign in my direction and I found out that these idiots were warning my neighbors a child molester lived here. I certainly recognized the lunatic from POCAP that tried to convince the judge I wasn't fit to be a parent at the hearing last week - some people just don't give up.

My neighbors had seen both John-Paul and Hope around the place while I had been living here and weren't overly enthusiastic or overly censorious about my lifestyle, but I'd never had a demonstration on my front lawn before, either.
Calling the cops seemed like it would just give those idiots the publicity they wanted (I hoped they weren't smart enough to alert the press!) so I took the time to cudgel my muddled brain into action before doing something I would regret. Eventually I realized I had a new friend in the police force.

"Hi Ursula, it’s Hope. I've got a problem."

"Don't we all? Personal or official?"

"I'm not sure…"

So I explained what was going on and Ursula laughed.

"What's that buzzing I hear?"

Oh shit - I mean darn! - the breast pump was still trying to get milk out of a stone. I shut it off.

"I'll explain some other time, it's complicated."

So I told her about my new lawn ornaments.

"That seems to be the story of your life. My advice would be to ignore them unless they cause a problem or block traffic. Don't give them the publicity they're seeking."

"That's kind of what I was thinking, but I needed advice from someone who knows about these things."

"It would be a good idea to talk to your neighbors, too."

"That ought to be interesting. I guess I really should formally introduce them to Hope."

"Call it your coming out. Maybe a nice cocktail dress and some tasteful pearls?"

"Hey - this is suburbia, a BBQ is more like it."

"Damn, I give you an excuse to get all dressed up and you aren't going to take it?"

"Maybe I should put on a cocktail dress and go offer my guests some canapés?"

"With those babies maybe one of Dawn's bottles would be more appropriate."

"Good thing I'm not breastfeeding yet or that could get a really strange."

"Too late for that, Hope. Good luck"

"Thanks, I'll need it."
 

I spent a couple of minutes making faces at Dawn, trying to figure out what to do, when the phone started ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hi, uh, Hope. It's Bill Wilson from across the street. Have you noticed you have some overdressed squirrels on your front lawn?"

"I've just been consulting with my favorite exterminator, but she's stumped. I really don't want to give them any more publicity for their nonsense. I had enough of them in court the other day."

"Say what?"

"Have the neighborhood gossips noticed I now have a month-old daughter?"

"So that was you in the paper last week. I was wondering. You're taking care of the baby, then?"

"I'm adopting her if I can get through all the legal bullshit. Sorry, I have a baby now and I'm trying not to swear any more."

"Good luck with that!"

"I'll need it."

"Look, I really don't want the neighborhood invaded by intolerant meatballs like those guys. I have an idea that might help."

"I'm open to suggestions."

"Now my daughter Kathy is a cheerleader, she could round up a couple of friends and lead a few cheers from my activist days. I bet those buggers haven't got a sense of humor and some pretty girls shaking their pom-poms and making fun of them might convince them they aren't going to be taken seriously."

"You'd do that for us?"

"Sure! What are neighbors for but to help each other? Besides, I haven't been to a good demonstration since I was in school. Too busy working to be out protesting these days."

"You know, Bill? My first thought when I looked out the window was to get the camera and take some pictures. After all, I am a photographer. Nothing like some colorful young women to put some pizzazz in a picture. I just hope they'll hang around long enough for the cheerleaders to get here."

"Give us twenty minutes, most of the girls live nearby. And I want copies of those pictures!"

"You've got them!"
 

I was sure Bill didn't have the faintest inkling what cheerleaders meant to anyone transgendered, but I had to laugh long and hard at his suggestion. Back in high school I had dreamed of being a cheerleader, being able to wear little short skirts and bounce around chanting and swaying with the other girls. I had devoured online stories of boys who were miraculously transformed into beautiful, brilliant cheerleaders who captivated the entire school.

That was while I was still hiding a bra and panties at the back of my closet and terrified anyone would find them, but I still had my dreams! Now some real cheerleaders were about to go out and defend my right to be the woman I really was. Life sure had some strange twists.

I turned my easy chair around to face out the window and happily played This Little Piggy Goes To Market with Dawn while watching the squirrels on my front lawn. One by one three good-looking teenage girls arrived across the street, each wearing a backpack - such a normal sight that none of my protesters even noticed. A few minutes later, Bill opened the front door and set a boom box on a small table on his porch and a Sousa march blared out across the neighborhood. Just like at a football game the cheerleaders came running out the front door waving their pom-poms and doing cartwheels. They lined up across the street and started their first cheer:
 

Let me hear it loud and clear
Gender-phobes aren't welcome here
 

I have to confess I was a little bit jealous, but the contingent form POCAP stopped milling around and watched the far more colorful show across the street. C'mon now - how can a dull suit ever hope to compare to a cheerleading outfit on a enthusiastic teenage girl?
 

Hey hey! Ho Ho!
This gender crap has got to go
 

They followed that one up with a cute little dance routine, with plenty of cartwheels that showed off their colorful undies. Shameless!

I loved it!

The girls were really getting into the show when a car pulled up in front of the house. The car belonged to my parents, I assumed they had come for an unannounced grandchild cuddling session and instead found a demonstration. Mom got out of the car and immediately recognized the POCAP flake from court and her expression instantly hardened.

My Dad leaned back on the car with his arms crossed and an eager expression on his face. He knew that Mom was in full pit-bull lawyer mode and that the show was just beginning. Of course I was on the porch with the camera making sure the action was preserved for posterity.

Mom started firing questions at the squirrels demanding to know if they understood the law, the right of people to be secure in their own homes, the penalty for trespassing, the statutes concerning libel, and I don't know what all else. Having been on the receiving end of her tongue when discovered in childhood trespasses, I almost felt sorry for the squirrels.

Almost…

The cheering section came across the street and started dancing around the thoroughly confused protesters with a new chant.

 
Hope and Pride but never fear
We say LOVE is welcome here!
 

By now most of the neighbors had been attracted to the music and the cheering, so the girls had a good audience. With Dawn in my arms and the SLR around my neck, I watched from my porch, thoroughly proud of how my neighbors were reacting.

Well Mrs (and be damn sure it isn't Ms) Blake had a ferocious pickle face visible, but that was her normal expression. A thoroughly sour woman who actually did holler at kids to get off her lawn. Being only in her forties, I trembled to think what she would be like a senior citizen.

Bill and his wife across the street were beaming and Jenny Belknap brought the girls a six-pack of Pepsi, ostentatiously not offering any to the sign-wavers. They got the message and beat a hasty retreat to their van.

I came down off the porch, handed Dawn to my Dad and gave my mother an enthusiastic hug. As the neighbors came over I invited everyone to meet my daughter, my parents and me as well. We had an impromptu block party on my front lawn and I gave everyone a tour of the studio. It turned out to be a great way to meet the neighbors as Hope.
 

Monday, October 6, 2015

I was surprised when the doorbell rang as I hadn't any sessions booked after the recent craziness. I was a bit nervous, but was relieved to see Kathy standing outside the door and not a reporter or a protester. I opened the door and let her in with a smile.

"Hi Ms Waldrop. I just wanted to see if you and the baby were doing OK."

"We're doing fine. Come on in and you can see for yourself."

"Awww, she's so cute!"

"Would you like to hold her?"

"Could I?"

"Of course. I have to thank you and your friends for your help. I chuckled all afternoon once you had shown them what asses they were. It could have gotten ugly if it weren't for you."

"Hey, it was Dad's idea."

"But you and your friends ran with it."

"Our coach saw us on TV. She liked the cheers we came up with."

"So did I!"

We spent a very nice hour just chatting and cuddling Dawn. Kathy is a great kid.
 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015 - 9:00 AM

"Well, I must say this is a surprise, Hope"

"She was a bit of a surprise to me too, Doctor."

Time to fill in my endocrinologist on recent developments.

"I'm sure there's an interesting story behind it."

"So there is…"

I was getting very good at telling the story.

"So I wanted to ask you abut something I saw on the Internet."

"Lord preserve me from the Internet! I don't know why we doctors spend a decade of our lives learning about medicine when any fool can log on and cure themselves."

"Because you want to earn the big bucks?"

"That must be it. Can't think of any other reason."

"I know you'll think I'm crazy, but I wonder if I could eventually breastfeed Dawn."

"Not completely crazy, men do have milk glands but they don't do anything without the right hormones."

"Which is where you come in."

"Now this is one of the things we batted around as crazy interns, and of course there are always stories of men who have managed to produce milk, but I've never really investigated it in any detail."

"The net tells me that by pumping and with doses of progestin and domperidone it might be possible. Of course, there's a lot of bullshit on the net, too."

"Brings to mind the old chestnut about tits on a bull, doesn't it?"

"At least I don't have to worry abut testosterone with my testicles removed."

"And I'm still curious how you managed that, Hope."

"Money and a trip to another country. That's all I'm saying."

I went ahead and had my orchiectomy done when I got my grandparent's inheritance. Don't you just love that word? Makes it sound like I'm about to bloom like an orchid. Naturally my regular doctors were unhappy that I just went and did it without telling them. I had to promise to be a good girl from then on.

"As the golfers say about balls, we'll play that one as it lies."

"And I intend to get rid of my club when the bank account lets me."

"I'd say that's par for the course but it wouldn't be professional."

"And you don't want to putter around with my hormones."

"Seriously, not without a bit of research. You seem to be reacting favorably to the female hormones and I'd like to keep it that way."

"I would, too. And I'd like to be sure that nothing in my milk, if I have any, will hurt Dawn."

"Very good. Let me see what I can find and we'll take it from there."
 

Friday, October 9, 2015

Heard back from the endocrinologist this morning - good news and bad news. The bad news is that domperidone is out, seems the FDA doesn't like it. They tried it in Europe and it does help milk production but there was some indication it causes heart problems. No thanks, no matter how much I want to feed Dawn myself I'm not going to kill myself to do it.

The good news is he'll prescribe prolactin and we can see if anything happens. After all, normal women have it naturally so it shouldn't have too many bad side effects.

I'm still wearing that silly pump bra and letting my breasts get sucked whenever I can. I'm almost used to the feeling. Dawn seems to like me as much as her pacifier, she must be into natural foods.
 

Saturday, October 10, 2015

It feels strange to be somewhere without Dawn. I'm shooting a wedding today, so it just isn't practical to bring her with me. I could just hear it when the preacher says 'if anyone knows why these two people should not be married' and Dawn starts wailing and crying. Talk about your bad omens at a wedding.

I feel like a traitor abandoning my little girl, though. Sure, I know Ralph and Judy have raised three of their own, but I remember some of the shit my brother pulled on me and I get nervous.

If I didn't have a child to raise I might have blown off this wedding, I hate shooting a wedding where the bride or groom is covered with tattoos. In this one they both are, and the tattoo artist wasn't too good - not that I'd tell them that.
Brides are beautiful by definition despite their funky illustrations. Too bad she didn't go for long sleeves on the dress, and for the life of me I can't figure out why anyone would want a gap-toothed pirate peeking out of their cleavage. If I ever get my own cleavage I'm not going to put cartoons on it!

Some weddings are like herding cats, especially the big ones where all the aunts and uncles and cousins have to be squeezed in the same picture. At least this one didn't have a bunch of little kids to try to slow down enough for a picture, but thinking of that made me miss Dawn. Not even three weeks and I'm hooked.

I stayed for an hour of candid shots after the traditional cake-stuffing, but left before too many drunks were in evidence. I figure the happy couple didn't need to be reminded of that part.

I arrived at my brother's house to find the big lunk making stupid faces and blowing raspberries at Dawn. The traitorous kid actually smiled at him. I may be the professional photographer in the family, but Judy was wearing out her cell phone taking pictures.

"I may have to give Mom a call, brother dear," I told my brother.

"How come?"

"I need to sue for alienation of affections."

"Her name's Dawn, not Sue. Go away for a few hours and you already forgot her name."

"Keep it up and I really will call Mother."

"I quiver with fear, little sister. Hey Dawn, can you feel me quivering with fear, sweetie?"

My brother started jiggling Dawn in his arms. The little two-timer liked it. So I hauled out my phone and called my mother on speakerphone.

"Mommy! I cried, "make Ralphie stop it!" I whined, laughing my fool head off.

"I go to all the trouble to convince a judge you're a big girl who can handle being a mother and now you want me to tell your nasty old big brother to stop whatever he's doing? What would Judge Mika say if he heard you now?"

"He'd throw my nasty big brother in jail and toss the key to a crocodile in the Nile."

"Ralph, your baby sister is acting like a baby. Stop teasing her."

"Awww Mom!"

"Be a good boy. By the way, just what were you doing to your whiny sister?"

"Playing with the cutest baby in the world."

"You have to give the baby back, Ralphie, after all the trouble I went through so Hope could keep her."

"Can I wait until the next time little Dawn poops. Then I'll be glad to return her."

"Timing is everything, son. I'll let you two settle this by yourselves."

"Now that I think of it, you could keep her overnight and I can sleep until morning for a change. She only gets up twice for feeding."

"Yawn! I'm exhausted! Sorry to rush you out the door, sis, but I need to get my beauty sleep."

"Haven't changed much, have you Ralphie? How do you put up with him, Judy?"

"He has his uses, and the baby seems to like him."

"That's me, constant as a rock in a storm."

"And those rocks are all in your head. Thanks for watching her, guys. I guess I'm going to have to find sitters for days like this when I can't have her with me."

"If you wait another five years, Charlie will be old enough."

"I think there's a slight flaw in that plan."

"No patience, eh?"

"I'll let you call my next wedding and explain they have to wait until Charlie grows up before they can get married."

"I suppose the party house won't take reservations that far in the future."

"Ah, you've found the flaw in the program! Any unemployed friends looking to be a nanny?"

"Not at the moment, but you never can tell with the economy in the shape it's in."

"Then I suppose we'll have to go home and amuse ourselves. Thanks again for watching my little love."

"Any time we aren't otherwise committed, Hope. I can remember how it was when Charlie was that age. I don't know how we made it through."

"I hope I'll last long enough to be able to forget. See you guys later."
 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

"So how is motherhood treating you, Hope?"

Emma is my psychiatrist, she's supposed to ask the difficult questions.

"Do they let zombies keep on being mothers? Sometimes I feel like I have about as much brain left as a zombie."

"Sleep deprivation is endemic to new mothers, babies eventually get to sleep through the night after a month or two."

"Do I have to sign something in blood to get that - maybe pledge my soul. Right now I would gladly trade my soul for a full night's sleep."

"You seem to have discovered the reality of being a woman is not all pretty dresses and romance."

"I wouldn't say discovered - I think I already knew that transitioning wouldn't cure all my problems, just give me different ones to cope with. On the whole, Dawn is the best thing to happen in my life. Knowing another life is wholly dependent on you is an awesome thing to face, but the rewards are just as great."

"As clear a definition of being a parent as any I've heard. No regrets?"

"None, although complaining about my lot in life is still satisfying at times. I can remember listening in to my mother and her friends exchanging horror stories about raising children - they seemed to enjoy topping each other's complaints."

"And do you have a circle of friends to complain to?"

"Not really, I've been too busy to sit around complaining. I still have to earn a living to keep the baby in formula. I start the foster training next week, so maybe I'll find a few new friends to kvetch to."

"Such sessions can be beneficial. And the rest of your life - any regrets now that you've gone full time?"

"None, other than wondering why I took so long to do it."

"Then go home and catch a nap before you retrieve the baby. Be sure to take some time for yourself when you can and I'll see you in two weeks.

"Thanks, Emma. It's good to have someone to talk to."
 

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Another nice visit from Kathy. That girl is falling in love with my daughter, not that I can blame her. It sounds weird, but I almost thank those crazies for letting me get to know my neighbors. Kathy is a dynamo, the kind of girl I wished I could have been in high school. How I ached to be a cheerleader back then!

Well, if I couldn't be a cheerleader, being a mother is even better. Life is funny that way.
 

Thursday, October 15, 2015 - 7:00 PM

"Hi Ursula, it's Hope."

"And how's my favorite mommy?"

"Sleep deprived and jazzed up after shooting all day."

"Hope darling, please don't tell a police officer that you've been shooting anything!"

"Hey! You have your technical jargon, I have mine. If I had to say 'photograph' instead of 'shoot' fifty-seven times a day think of all the syllables I'd be wasting."

"And 'wasting' is another word you need to be careful using with a police officer."

"Picky, picky picky! I'm too tired to care."

"The life of a mother isn't all romance, is it?"

"Damned little romance from where I'm standing. I'm sitting, collapsed in a chair with nothing but a machine sucking on my tits."

"Kinky sex with your daughter watching?"

"If only… It may sound stupid but I'm hoping to stimulate enough milk to breastfeed. At least a little."

"Look Hope, not to get too personal, but with your, shall we say, genetic background, but how the hell can a former guy breastfeed?"

"With difficulty."

"OK, I deserved that. Could I have a little more detail?"

"Just go on the net and look it up. It's theoretically possible, so I talked my endocrinologist into prescribing so me some prolactin and I'm pumping the hell out of what breasts I have. I'll tell you in a week or two if it works."

"Sounds like I ought to alert the drug squad."

"I don't know what the street value is, but insurance doesn't cover it so I'm paying retail. Not the kind of drugs the neighborhood junkie stocks."

"Thank heavens for small favors."

"If you want a good laugh, go on Amazon and look for a 'breast pump bra.' Not something that Victoria's Secret is going to carry, but I have one."

"Seriously? They make a bra for breast pumping?

"That they do. Do you realize how stupid I feel with two bottles hanging off my proto-boobies. And I thought tassels were demeaning!"

"So how did your session go?"

"Quite well. I'm getting used to shoo - taking photographs with fourteen pounds of baby hanging on my chest. She's gained almost three pounds since I got her."

"Great. That puts her near the average weight for a girl. You must be doing something right."

"I suspect her bio-mom wasn't doing much for her and now she has someone to really take care of her she's thriving. At least the social worker thinks so."

"How much longer are you going to be able to take her to work with you?"

"I really don't know. She's been a darling so far, but she is growing up.

"I did talk to my niece Darcy and she might be interested."

"Then we should get together and see if it might work out. Have her give me a call, will you?"

"Sure thing."
 

Saturday, October 17, 2016

I suppose it had to happen sometime. The fairies came last night and stole away with my sweet daughter, leaving a little screaming bitch in her place. She was fussy and rocking didn't help. Then she started crying and wasn't hungry, didn't want the pacifier, didn't want me, didn't have a smelly diaper, she just wanted to cry.

I now know it's possible to feel helpless and sympathetic at the same time as you want to shake the kid and scream 'shut up!' In my sleep deprived state I can understand how shaken baby syndrome could happen.

She has a slight fever, but with all the crying I can't tell if she's flushed from being sick or just from screaming her fool head off. Sometimes motherhood sucks!

I was just about to call and cancel my session this afternoon when Ursula's niece Darcy saved the day. Instead of a nice, calm interview with her as a prospective nanny, she got thrown into the fire with the daemon child.

When she arrived at ten for the interview, Dawn was grumbling and whining in a half-sleep, exhausted from several crying jags. I don't think I looked much better, I had managed to get dressed but hadn't really brushed my hair or done anything with makeup. Not that I do much with makeup when I'm in my professional mode, but I do usually make some effort.

Professionalism be damned, the girl took one look at me and I was enveloped in a hug. A hug I really needed, it may be said.

"My aunt told me you needed a nanny. I can see you've both had a hard night, so let me take care of both of you for a little while. You look like you need a cup of coffee or seven."

"Oh god, you're hired!" was all I could say. "Come into the kitchen."

I keep the coffee makings together on the counter, so without any prompting she cheerfully ground the beans and charged the coffee maker and soon that comforting gurgle-drip sound was ringing through the kitchen as the aroma of salvation filled the air.

You might have guessed I like coffee by this point. You'd be wrong - I love coffee with a passion just short of my crabby daughter.

"Cream and sugar?"

"Please?"

"You got it. Have you eaten?"

"If you call half an untoasted English muffin eating."

"I'm not making that call! What do you want for breakfast and where do I find it?"

"There's oatmeal in the cupboard over the stove if it's not too much trouble."

"That's what I'm here for, Hope. Mom swears by oatmeal to keep you going all day."

"Too bad you can't put it in a bottle so we don't have to feed her every few hours."

"Give her a couple of months, even if it seems like a couple of years."

"You should get a job as a coach. Rah-rah-rah, go team!"

"Nah, I prefer babysitting. Play with them all day and let the parents have the night shift."

"Cynical for one so young, too."

"You want some apple and cinnamon in your oatmeal?"

"If you're willing."

"That's the way I like it."

"Make enough for yourself if you're hungry."

"Thanks, I will. Is Dawn usually this fussy?"

"Not really. Actually, it's the first time since I got her that she's really been unhappy."

"You must have won the baby lottery! I've sat for a few colicky babies and it isn't so much fun."

"I think she was just softening me up until the fostering was final and I couldn't give her back."

"Who's being cynical now? I'm sure she isn't really a scheming bitch at this tender age."

"Yeah, but it feels good to be able to bitch. I'll get over it when she smiles at me. She's starting to do that lately."

"Then she's past the 'lump of baby' stage. Mom got kinda pissed when I said that, but it surely applies at first."

"I got her at about one month, so I didn't have that to cope with."

"Lucky you!"

"Give me about three hours of sleep and I'll start to believe you. Ursula says you're the best, who am I to question? We can discuss pay and such when I'm coherent again."

"Suits me. I'm off today so you go and get some sleep and I'll watch Dawn."

"You're an angel. Feel free to poke around and find whatever you need, there's nothing that should embarrass you in the place."

"Not like that hasn't happened before, but I know how to keep my mouth shut."

"Now if only you can figure out how to keep her mouth shut!"

With exquisite timing, Dawn began to fuss, so we went to her crib and Darcy picked her up. The little traitor immediately quieted in Darcy's arms.

"I'll be awake by noon - I have a studio session at one. If anyone gets here early just pound on my door and let me know, then feed 'em tea of whatever until I can make myself presentable."
 

Those extra couple hours of sleep had me feeling almost human. I came into the kitchen to find Darcy singing softly to Dawn, who was resting in her baby seat with that wide-eyed expression that babies can do so well. Darcy had taken me at my word and had some soup and a sandwich waiting for lunch.

"Feeling better?" Darcy asked.

"Much better, thank you. I really appreciate your help."

"That's what I'm here for. I think I'm in love with your daughter."

"You'll have to stand in line, she has quite a covey of admirers - at least when she's smiling."

We finished eating just as the first of my afternoon subjects arrived, so I gave Darcy the five-cent tour of the studio as I set up for the shoot. Since Dawn was in a happy mood once again, Darcy held her and stayed in the background, watching how things went. Around four o'clock Dawn got hungry, so Darcy quietly left to attend to her charge and I continued my session.

Darcy and I hit it off immediately, she stayed for supper and we talked until late in the evening. Not only had I found a nanny, I had found a friend.
 

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Dawn is two months old today. She didn't get excited but Darcy and I did. Other than that, nothing much happened.
 

Wednesday, October 21, 2015 8:00 PM

I think I understand post-partum depression more these days. I had no idea that taking care of a baby was so demanding! Babysitting for a few hours is one thing, babysitting unendingly for days on end is quite another. Babysitting unendingly while working for a living is something I hadn't considered when I looked into that innocent face one month ago today and my heart melted.

Now my brain is melted, my feet hurt, my back aches, my breasts are tender, my bra is getting too small, my eyes are itching and I just finally got Dawn to sleep. So what did I do? Sleep?

Don't be silly! I put on that pumping bra and I feel like Bessie the Cow (or is that Elsie?) as the thing fruitlessly sucks at my nipples. Maybe I ought to wear the damned thing on Halloween as my costume, it should scare the crap out of anyone who sees it.

Right now I'd probably scare the crap out of anyone who sees me, milking machine or not. My hair's a mess, my makeup is smeared and I must look like some hag from a cheesy horror movie. You know what? I JUST PLAIN DON'T CARE!

The only good thing I can think of is Darcy. That girl has been a godsend, even if thinking of her is putting an end to a good sulk. She had to work at her real job today, which is why I feel so depleted and worn out. Even having her around for a few hours these last few days has made my life much easier.

Not only is she in love with Dawn, but she is truly interested in photography and picking up things at a remarkable pace. Yesterday she even figured out what was wrong with the lighting before I did and promptly fixed it. I think we have a bright future together.

OK, my sulk is over - I'm going to sleep.

Friday, October 23, 2015

I was really noticing my bra feeling a bit tight. I wanted to believe it's because my breasts are getting bigger, but after only two weeks on the new hormone regimen I have to wonder if it isn't wishful thinking. Still, when I'm in my Robot Mother Breast Pumping Bra it seemed to be a bit tighter too. Nothing going into the bottles, but still…

I finally got the nerve to tell Darcy about the breast pumping. She saw the machine and her look invited an answer. She was kind enough not to laugh, but she had an awfully big smile on her face. She highly approves of breastfeeding infants, and was impressed that I would be willing to try to do it myself.

It was only a short step from there to let Dawn have her way with my nipples before I fed her while Darcy was there with us. Granted I felt pretty silly removing my form and placing it on a towel while she watched, but we have gotten close enough that it didn't really bother me.

Of course, Darcy was fascinated by the breast form, they're the best I could find and pretty realistic. If I want to take the trouble, I can glue them on and use filler and makeup to wear something with a low neckline. I haven't done that since Dawn came along and I doubt I will again as I grow my own and can show some cleavage without technological help.

They are getting bigger, really.

I've been letting Dawn take her turn at me before giving her the bottle, and she's doing a fine job imitating my pumping machine. She doesn't last all that long with no reward forthcoming, but it sure feels good to have her trying to nurse.

I've gotten a few nursing bras, hoping I'm not living in a dream world. It feels silly to have to remove my breast form before Dawn can reach my nipple, but it is certainly easier than removing my bra each time I try to feed her. I have to say I get a real kick out of wearing a nursing bra, almost as big a kick as I got when I first started wearing bras.

Sometimes it's the simple things in life that provide the most pleasure.
 

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Damn, tonight was a blast! Of course after a month as Hope full time, the boys knew who would be hosting our poker night, but only Daryl had seen me as Hope before. I went all out feminine just to knock their socks off, and maybe distract them enough to win back some of the money they've relieved me of over the years. Nobody's going to invite me to one of those high-stakes tournaments in Las Vegas, but I enjoy the game.

I was wishing I could do the glue-on cleavage to really distract them, but Dawn came first and I wasn't going to deprive her (or me!) of mommy time. I now have no doubt that my own breasts are getting bigger, I'm going to have to find some smaller forms or get larger bras tomorrow, things are getting tight!

I finally had an excuse to wear the pale lavender cocktail dress I had bought on a whim last year but had never worn. I wore Grandma's diamond earrings and necklace, along with the diamond watch my mother had given me last Christmas. That was pretty special as it was the first time she had given me something for Hope to wear. Mom took a while to understand why I couldn't remain John-Paul, but she is trying her best to make her new daughter as much a part of her life as her son was.

With dramatic evening makeup (the poker room is traditionally dimly lighted) and a pair of modest heels, I was ready. Ruben finally gave up smoking a couple of years ago so the room is not traditionally smoky any more. No way I would want that dress to smell of tobacco, dammit!

Darcy and I had been traipsing around the thrift shops all week looking for something for her to wear. If I was going to be in a cocktail dress, then she had to have one too. Not that we confined ourselves to the cocktail dresses, we had to try on quite a few outfits. As the day progressed we got giddy; we had a contest to see who could find the most awful outfit on the racks. Darcy won with some godawful racing silks in purple and green with a pair of screaming yellow jodhpurs. I had to password protect that picture on my phone for fear she would erase it.

Since Darcy comes by her endowment naturally, we had no trouble finding a lovely, low cut blue number with a flared skirt that swirled and bounced very attractively. The boys were well and truly distracted tonight.

I should also note that second-hand shops are the best place to find baby clothes. When they're that small they outgrow them too fast to wear them out. Dawn wasn't left out of the new clothes bonanza.

One other incident that night needs to be recorded. Calvin has his own secret life as a folksinger, a vice I am partial to myself. We have gone to many concerts together over the years and have much the same taste in music. There is an old folksong called The Ten Dollar Bill in which a serving maid delivers a 'handsome baby child' to a patron who had bedded her the year before. The punch line is "A ten dollar bill you've handed me, so now take back your change." I arranged for Darcy to plunk Dawn in his lap the first time the pot reached ten dollars and hit him with the line.

Calvin is quick on the uptake so he got the joke immediately and we both broke up with laughter, then had to explain to the others why it was funny. Calvin was forced to sing the song when we took a snack break.

And I came out ahead by $7.63.
 

Sunday October 25, 2015 7:13 AM

I woke up and stretched, feeling more awake that I had in the last month. Suddenly panic set in: Dawn had not awakened me for that dreaded four o'clock feeding! Hastily shrugging into my robe I practically ran to to her bedroom, but was stopped by the smell of something baking in the kitchen.

My kitchen.

Then I remembered Darcy had decided to spend the night after the poker game broke up. The angel must have taken the feeding and let me sleep! I was going to have to grovel and kiss her toes to thank her.

And there she was, apron over her nightgown, taking what looked to be a pan of cinnamon rolls from the oven while Dawn watched wide-eyed.

"Good god!" I cried. "Where do your get the energy from?"

"Clean living and a pure heart?"

"No chance the way you led Clyde around by the nose last night. You're vixen material."

"Now that was fun. He does have a certain attraction."

"He's a decade older than you!"

"So are you. You don't have any claims on him, do you?"

"Honey, he grew up with John-Paul. Not very likely, is it?"

"You never can tell."

"No sparks there, Darcy. Go ahead and see if he's interested, but be careful."

"I will. I gave him my phone number."

"Well I'll be damned!"

"Probably will, if you listen to some of those weirdos who hate anyone who isn't like them."

"Now that doesn't bother me in the least. I'm used to them."

"I'd find that hard to do."

"I'd say something like 'grow a thick skin' but that wouldn't do for someone as pretty as you. Don't sell yourself short, Darcy. When I was your age I dreamed of looking as good as you do. That was an impossible dream for a geeky boy, but I managed to come close."

"Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure. Thank you so much for getting up with Dawn, you didn't have to."

"I was awake anyway, so I thought you could use the sleep."

"Dreaming about Clyde?"

"Maybe a little bit, but thinking how nice it would be to have friends like your poker buddies. Wondering what to do about school, wondering if I'll ever get a place of my own, wondering if I'll ever get a real job. That sort of stuff."

"Pretty heavy wondering. No wonder you were awake. You seem to be catching on to photography pretty quickly. Are you interested enough to think of it as a career?"

"Maybe, I like being around all the different people and watching you set up a shot and get everything just right is fascinating. I learned Photoshop Elements in school when I was learning computers and web development, but the big program is a bit daunting."

"I learned slowly and painfully. It can do amazing things, but I only use a few of the tools it has available. Maybe 80% of what I do is portraiture, so I don't need much more that sharpening up the color or contrast to make the image pop."

"I've done a little fooling around to create images for advertising in school, but I'm still an amateur there. I intend to keep learning, though. I really liked the course on web development."

"Web development, eh? You should take a look at my website sometime, it's pretty basic but I never had the time or money to do much with it."

"Sure, I can do that. I do like learning from you and being able to care for Dawn. I know it won't last forever, but right now I like it."

"And I like having you here. If you're interested enough to become my apprentice as well as Dawn's nanny, would you consider moving in and staying here full time?"

"Really? Could I?"

"You could. We can work out pay and obviously room and board is included. I think we have gotten to be good friends since you've been helping, and I just realized I'm comfortable with you being here in the morning before I put myself together."

"You do look a bit flat, now that you mention it."

"You've seen the forms I use, but that's changing. I am vain enough to want to keep the C cup though, so I'm going to go on line today and get a smaller set of forms so I still fit my bras."

"They look right on you, but there are days I envy you being able to take them off and put them in your drawer or whatever."

"They come with special cases to keep them in shape. You aren't the first one to warn me. One of my sisters in my support group went overboard with the breasts and regrets it. Calls it a learning experience in a rueful tone."

"Too bad they can't fit some sort of valve on them so you can inflate or deflate like a football. Be a lot more flexible."

"You have a warped mind, girl, but I like the ideas you come up with. Maybe you should go into bioengineering in school. Speaking of learning, no matter what you intend to do with your life, you do need to get at least a two-year degree if you hope to stop flipping burgers or waitressing."

"I know, but most of the two year programs are focused on some skill and I don't know what I want to do. If I'm going to go into debt I want to have something to show for it that I'm going to like doing."

"Well said, Darcy. I knew from about the sixth grade I wanted to be a photographer, so I knew what I had to do. Maybe you should start with a liberal arts program and do those two years of general learning to give yourself time to pick a major. Community colleges are great for that. If you're accepted you can drop the burger-flipping and just be my nanny and assistant. I think I can take on enough new business with your help to keep us both paid."

"Really?"

"Really. Talk it over with your folks, or maybe invite them over for dinner and we can all talk. As long as they keep you on their medical insurance it should work out. I'm still on my parents insurance, but I'm going to have to get my own pretty soon when I age out."

"Now that sounds funny - aging out at your age!"

"I'm not ready for a walker yet, but I suppose a baby carriage will do if I need the extra support any time soon."

"My brother's a Boy Scout. I could give him a call if you need help getting across the road."

"No need. I was a Scout before I joined the winning team."

"I keep forgetting."

"Which is the nicest thing you've ever told me. Being a mother helps me forget, too."

"I'll call you when I get home and talk with my folks. Your schedule is free after five tomorrow, so maybe we can get together with my Mom and Dad to talk."

"Sounds good to me. See you then, Darcy."
 

Monday, October 26, 2015

I have a new housemate. Darcy's folks are as nice as you please and they were quite willing to see their daughter as my apprentice. Not a word used much these days, but it fits nicely. Actually, I think they were thrilled that Darcy had found a passion in her life and was thinking about going back to school.

Not to be crass, but if Darcy takes the odd four o'clock feeding I'll be a happy camper.
 

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Another day, another head shrunk. That's my life, I guess.

"You're alone today, Hope?"

"That doesn't happen too much these days, Emma. Things have changed since we last talked and I have a live-in housemate / babysitter / apprentice."

"My, my! You're acquiring quite the entourage, it seems. From the smile on your face I think you're handling your new circumstances very well."

"Having Darcy to help has made me realize I almost took on too much when I took Dawn. I don't know how single mothers do it!"

"With difficulty, yet they do it. And how has being a mother changed your life?"

"Right to the big questions, eh? On the good side, I finally stopped worrying and procrastinating about going full time and now that I've done it I have to wonder just why I put it off so long. I've known it was the right thing to do for forever, but just couldn't make myself get over that hump."

"Not unusual, Hope. I was hoping you would finally jump over that hump, as you put it. So that's one positive thing, there must be others."

"Dawn, of course. Even grumpy in the middle of the night she's beautiful. When she's happy in the daytime I can't tell you how much she has improved my life!"

"That's two. What else?"

"My boobs are getting bigger. I just got a smaller pair of falsies so I wasn't overcrowding my bra."

"You look awfully smug when you say that."

"I am smug. I've been dreaming about having breasts since I was old enough to know what breasts were. With any luck they might even be functional soon. I'm not sure how to describe it, but they're starting to feel different lately. I keep hoping that's because my milk glands are waking up."

"Interesting. I don't think I know of any other transwoman who is trying to breastfeed. Be sure to let me know how it works out."

"I'll be telling the world if it works. I never dreamed I would even try, but I never dreamed of having a baby, either."

"Any other positive aspects of your transition, Hope?"

I took a few minutes to tell her about Darcy.

"So not only have you managed to find a clear direction in your life, you have encouraged Darcy to move on with her life as well."

"I hadn't thought of it that way, but I guess I have. I consider Darcy my new best friend - best female friend. We have no secrets from each other - or at least none I know of. She's even watched me doing my breast pumping routine without laughing at me."

"Then she is aware of your transgendered status."

"As is her whole family. I've decided that there's no way to hide that fact so I'm honest about it when the subject comes up."

"And the negatives?"

"I've lost a couple of jobs by coming out, but I haven't lost any friends. In fact, I'm starting to see a new sideline in glamour shots for other TG folks. Nothing major yet, but things are coming along slowly. Darcy and I are thinking of finding room to offer makeup services for the shoots."

"A wise businesswoman caters to her customers. Do be careful not to overload yourself, your daughter deserves priority."

"Don't I know it. She seems to be going a bit longer between feedings, a girl can hope! I guess that's a positive trend for one of the big negatives of being a new mother."

"It's pleasant to have a client whose life seems to be improving. I'm tempted to say we should move to monthly visits unless things start to get out of control. Is that acceptable?"

"I think so. The demands on my time these days…"

"I can understand. Then I'll see you next month. And bring Dawn with you if you can, I'd like to keep track of her as well."

"Count on it!"
 

Thursday October 29, 2015

Must be the hormones. I hope I can blame it on the hormones. I've been a bitch all day. (Sorry Darcy!) A bitchy photographer gathers no customers, so I've been trying to control it, but really!

The morning wasn't so bad, I just had to take pictures of inanimate stuff, stuff that didn't care if I bitched at it. It didn't move or wiggle or cry or ignore me. (Well, since it couldn't do much else, of course it ignored me - but it wasn't rude about it.)

For some reason the lights didn't cooperate, the shadows kept creeping in, the whosits reflected off the camera lens, the whatsis zigged when I wanted it to zag and the frabulator fribulated at the critical moment. Murphy's law, personified in an inanimate object.

Dawn was fussy, breaking my concentration and Darcy couldn't seem to amuse her all morning. And then my tits were itching. The one really bad thing about wearing falsies is you can't scratch your boobs with falsies in you bra! Damn! Sounds like the start of a very bad country song. Good thing I don't have a wife or a pickup truck to lose tragically or the morning could have really gone to hell!
 

You can't scratch your boobies with falsies in your bra

That's what heard from my mother-in-law

'Specially if your standin' right next to your paw

Or they'll throw you clean out of Arkansas
 

I think I better abandon Nashville and stick to photography.
 

I made it through the afternoon with several portrait sessions, and I don't think I offended anyone. Portrait sessions are pretty much cut-and-dried in the studio. Pick a background, adjust the seating heights, the lighting is a known quantity after a few years in this studio. The trick is to get the subject to look natural.

Notice I didn't say happy - you'd be amazed at how many people - especially men - want a grim portrait. OK, a serious portrait or a staid portrait or a portrait. To me they look grim, but I've learned to keep my mouth shut. Digital photography is a boon here, I can show them the results on the monitor right away. If they don't like the pictures we can try again while everything is set up. Saves time and money for everyone.

The last session of the day was a very delightful family, and I let Darcy do this one since she seemed to have made a connection with them. The family loved the pictures.

Darcy laughed her fool head off when the first thing I did after they left was pop open the nursing bra and remove the falsies. Damn it felt good to scratch!
 

Friday, October 30, 2015

An outdoor session today - a local restaurant that wanted to publicize their new patio seating. The owners must have called all their friends and relations to come down - dressed to the nines - to look like they were having a gay old time at the place while I roamed around and took supposedly candid shots of the diners. Dawn and Darcy even got co-opted as part of the crowd because they're both so darn cute.

Of course my itchy boobs were back in full force, but I couldn't say anything, much less scratch. It was an unusually warm day for October and I was sweating. Have you ever had to act normally when your plastic falsies are swimming in sweat in your bra? Not so much fun.

I made it through and beat a hasty retreat to the ladies room to try and mop up the sweat. Sitting on the pot I opened the nursing bra and removed my slippery ersatz breast, wiping off with some paper from the towel dispenser. I was about to replace it when I saw a drop of milky white liquid form on my nipple.

Milk.

On my nipple!

I exited the restroom with a shit-eating grin on my face, found Dawn and Darcy and adjourned to a quiet spot in one of the specialty rooms. Dawn was cooperative and latched on quite handily. I felt something I've never felt before in my breasts. I can't find words for it, only that it was something completely new to me. I suppose any nursing mother has felt whatever it was, but this was me nursing my child!

It didn't take Dawn long to empty me out, so I switched breasts and let her have at it on the other side. As I was reveling in the feeling the restaurant owner came in and saw me nursing.

"Ah, so sweet. We'll talk after she's done. There's nothing urgent." and he left us to continue this beautiful mother-and-child bonding.

We had to stop on the way home to pick up some nursing bras to fit my hormone enhanced, now almost-B-cup breasts and nursing pads. Vanity be damned - my brand new falsies were no longer practical if I was going to be breastfeeding. Besides, my nipples were getting really sensitive. Let everyone wonder what happened to deflate my boobs.
 

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Halloween. I had a problem this year. Before I admitted my trans status to the world, Halloween was the only time I could let Hope out into the world and get away with it. Mom and Dad must have figured out something was going on when I found a female character for every Halloween, but they were cool about it until I was ready.

Now that Hope was permanent, what was I going to do for a costume? I had put it off, what with working and raising Dawn, and here it was Halloween and I still had no idea. Darcy and Dawn were Momma Dinosaur and Baby Dinosaur, but I had to assemble something from my closets and props in the studio, and I had only a couple of hours to do it. Darcy could barely contain her amusement as I dithered. That girl could do my Mother's Faintly Amused Queen Face almost as well as my mother.

Way back in my closet I found a short, red flouncy skirt and in the box of Christmas stuff I found an elf hat. Hummm… White puffy blouse, sort of a semi-halter in black leather, put it together and I was a garden gnome. I had a pair of stripy knee socks that my brother had given me one Christmas (Ralph has NO fashion sense) and some construction paper pointy toes on my slippers. Good enough.

Handing out candy to kids as a mother had special meaning that year.

Darcy left to meet her new flame Rory for their own party. (Calvin didn't work out.) When the kids stopped knocking at the door, Dawn and I went to sleep. Oh, the exciting life of a new mother!
 

Sunday, November 1, 2016

"Hi Hope. Can Dawn come out and play?"

Kathy was here. What do you do with an enthusiastic teenage girl bouncing on your front steps on a quiet Sunday morning?

"You might have to wait until she can at least crawl before she goes out to play, but come in and she just might let you cuddle her."

"Sure thing!"

Gad! Where does she get the energy? Same place Dawn does, I suppose. After being up half the night with a grumpy baby I sure don't have any energy to spare.

Damned if the little traitor didn't perk right up when Kathy held her! I suppose gift horses come in all forms, so I just sat down and let the two of them have at it. I woke up to the familiar refrain of the Hungry Baby Symphony.

"Uh, Hope… I think maybe she's hungry"

"That's probably right. Hand her over."

"Should I get her bottle ready?"

"No need."

What the heck? It should be fun to see what Kathy thinks of me breastfeeding. I did cover myself with a blanket, but the obvious smacking sounds left no doubt as to what was happening under it.

"You're breastfeeding!"

"Yup!" I don't think the canary feathers were too obvious around my lips, although I was purring in contentment while Dawn nursed.

"That is so radical!" exclaimed Kathy.

"I still need to use a bottle since my milk just came in and I'm not up to full production, as it were."

"But how?"

"How did a former guy end up with working tits? Don't worry, you won't be the only one with that question."

"Sorry…"

"Don't be. We're friends, Kathy. I take hormones every day, the endocrinologist just prescribed the right hormones to get the milk glands working. Not quite that simple, but that's the essence."

"You'd do that much for your baby?"

"Of course. I may not have spent nine months carrying her, but she's my daughter and I would do a whole lot more than take some pills in order to give her the best start in life that I could."

"Wow. I hope I can do as well when the time comes."

"I'm sure you will. Do me a favor, though?"

"What?"

"Wait until you're married. This single mother gig is not the easiest thing to do. There's a pretty good reason why people want to raise children with two parents."

"I think that's a pretty good idea. I know you look pretty worn out sometimes."

"That's because I'm pretty worn out. Having Darcy helps a whole lot, but sometimes I wish I had a husband."

"It could happen, Hope."

"Maybe, but there isn't much market for wives who used to be men."

"Now cut that out! How can you sit there feeding a baby from your own breast and think you could be anything but 100% woman?"

"I can see just why you're such a good cheerleader. Rah-rah-rah! Kick those doubts in the ass!"

"Now she's complaining about her ass! Would a guy be worried about his ass?"

"Maybe a piece of it?"

"Who wants a piece of ass?"

A thoroughly disheveled Darcy had made her appearance.

"From the look of you, I think Rory may have gotten a piece of ass last night!" Kathy remarked.

"Hah! A lady never tells."

"Nope, with that only time will tell. Say about nine months?"

"You're not the only one in this household who takes pills, Hope."

"Glad to hear it. Must have been some Halloween party."

"A lady never tells."
 

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

"I think she's smiling at me," enthused Darcy.

"Could be. Could be gas, too."

"It's too cute to be a burp."

"So maybe a fart?"

"Don't listen to the sour old lady, Dawn. She's just grumpy because you're smiling at me and not at her."

Dawn responded with a resounding belch.

"Let that be a lesson to you, Darcy. Mama knows best."

"She's still smiling."

"After producing a belch like that, how could she do otherwise? Fine work, darling."

"If she's going to be this cute, we need to take some pictures."

"Great idea. We can put her in that outfit that my mother gave her and hope she doesn't puke all over it before we get the shots."

"You're in a fine mood today, Hope."

"Blame the hormones, or maybe the lack of sleep."

"Hey - she waited until five to demand breakfast last night."

"I suppose that's a good thing. Who ever thought I'd regret being able to breastfeed? Maybe we should get you on a hormone regimen so you can help out."

"Thanks, but I'll wait until I produce milk the normal way."

"But then you'll be married and living somewhere else. Won't do me a bit of good."

"Timing is everything, I suppose. You can always foster another one, Dawn should be a lot older by then. I'll need time to find a man and get married first."

"What? Rory isn't interested? I'm sure he'd be thrilled to have me knocking on your door at four AM to feed the little bugger."

"I'm sure he'll be the perfect man and won't mind - too much! That's not saying how I'll feel!"

"C'mon Dawn! We need to get you dressed up so Darcy can take your picture."

"You get fancied up too, Mamma. We need some family pictures."

"You're family, Darcy. Let's all get prettied up and see what happens."

It was interesting letting Darcy direct me, that girl is getting a real feel for a shot. We played with the self-timer and got all sorts of combinations of our little family. The pictures came out very well, indeed.
 

Friday, November 6, 2015

I can't believe it's been a week since my milk came in. Miracles happen and then they become commonplace. If I'm shooting and the time comes to feed Dawn, I take a break and let the little bugger chow down, covered with a discrete baby blanket. Darcy and I have become tag-team mothers and photographers with her taking over the camera while I feed Dawn until I run out of milk.

She's become quite competent at setting up a shot and drawing out the clients. Then Darcy finishes up with a bottle while I return to the camera. Darcy is becoming indispensable.

Breastfeeding an infant while working has been a revelation. If my clients know I'm trans, which many of them do, their reactions are priceless. That's me - the Master Card Mommy.

Most of them don't have the nerve to ask how I can do it, but there are some… I suppose if they come to me for pictures knowing I'm trans they must be liberal minded, so I haven't gotten any lectures about being 'unnatural ' or 'brazen' or anything like that.

Of course my trans clients want all the details, so I am happy to tell them how it works for me. If they're nice about it I even show them my pumping bra, which gets some very interesting reactions.

Speaking of bras, I'm filling the B cup pretty well now that my milk came in. Amazing what hormones can do, especially when those annoying little testosterone generators are no longer with me. Can a C cup be far behind?

Interesting that at school I strived to get an A grade and now I would be thrilled with a D. Some people are never satisfied.

One side effect of being a mother is that I'm seeing a lot more of my own mother these days. Darcy has some competition in baby handling, Mom is positively gaga over the kid. Dad took a little time to admit he was gaga as well, but now he isn't afraid to blow bubbles on Dawn's tummy and make silly noises to amuse her. I'm also hearing some interesting stories about what I did as a baby.

They tell me I was as cute as Dawn, but I'm not sure I believe them. After all, Dawn is the cutest baby in the world.
 

Monday, November 9, 2015

First foster parent class tonight. Darcy is watching Dawn and I'm sitting at a table in a big room watching movies and learning how the foster system works. There are three hetero couples, one gay couple and me, the odd girl out. We did the usual introduce yourself thing and I think my classmates weren't expecting that I was already a foster mother. They all seem like nice people, not surprising if they were willing to open their homes to a distressed child.

Since the session is several hours long - there's a lot to learn! - at the break I had to find a corner and pump my breasts. First time I've had to do that away from home. It felt funny to be there using what looked for all the world like a bicycle horn to suck on my breasts, but that's what was required. I had a small cooler bag with a couple of those plastic ice blocks ready for the little bottle of milk.

I was pleased, I managed to extract just over four ounces. I knew I was producing more milk lately, but Dawn doesn't come with a measuring option, so I had no idea how much. I was just about empty when Pat, one of the wives, looked in and was surprised to see me.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt. I was just curious about what the place looked like."

"Not a problem. When you're breastfeeding being away from the baby can get a bit painful. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable now."

"I remember! Mine were all greedy little beggars. I had so much milk I was able to donate some to the milk bank."

"Milk bank?"

"Oh yes, there's a place that actually stores breast milk for babies that need it. I had no trouble helping out."

"And I don't have enough. The world works in strange ways."

"I'll leave you to finish up. I have to admire you for taking on an infant like you did, you're a good woman."

"I'm trying to be."

Can anyone blame me if I was grinning like a fool for the rest of the evening?

Thursday, November 12, 2015

"Hey Hope!" Darcy called. "Our afternoon session just canceled - the kids are sick."

"Crap!"

"Better they stay home than get Dawn sick."

"I can't argue with that. So what do we do to amuse ourselves? Got any ideas?"

"We can watch Dawn flop around on the floor?"

"Been there, done that. Too bad she's too young to take her to the playground and let her run around."

"She has to learn to crawl first."

"Like I said, too bad. I suppose we could always take her for a walk."

"Maybe the zoo?"

"Why not? I haven't been to the zoo in years. She won't care but we can have fun."

"We can put her in the fuzzy bunny suit she got from Aunt Ursula."

"I would never have believed I'd become friends with a cop! Of course I never would have believed I'd be breastfeeding a baby, either."

"Don't forget rescuing me from flipping burgers. That's my favorite thing I wouldn't have believed."

"My dad just shakes his head and mumbles about 'taking in strays'."

"Your Dad is cute when he grumbles."

"You didn't have to grow up with him! I bet I'll never hear you describe your father as 'cute'."

"I don't take sucker bets. What's the temperature outside like?"

"Supposed to get into the sixties."

"Then the bunny suit will be fine. Of course we'll need a dozen blankets and a small wagon to carry all of Dawn's other junk."

"Says the woman with the purse big enough to lame an elephant and her camera bag."

"Smartass kid! You can carry the camera bag just for that."

"Oh please, don't make me lame like the elephant."

"When we get to the elephants you can see if he'll take over for you."

"Maybe we can train a chimp to pull the wagon."

"We're fresh out of bananas to bribe him with. Besides, they would probably object to us letting him out of his cage."

"Yeah, the foster people wouldn't go bail if they locked you up."

"Then we'd better be on our best behavior. Ready?"

"Let's go!"
 

There are two things at the zoo that stand out in my mind, one bad and one good: the chimps and the train. By the time I was old enough to understand what that floppy sack hanging between my legs meant, I always winced watching the male chimps. I mean, there they were, right out in view of everybody! When they would hang off the swing or a branch I was uncomfortably reminded of the balls hanging off me, it just didn't seem right!

If you hung around long enough, you were bound to see one of the males start chasing and beating on one of the other males. The fights didn't last long, but they were too much like the bullying crap at school for my taste. You'd think that, being more evolved, humans wouldn't do that kind of crap.

Kids are naive, eh?

The good memory was riding the Little Puffer, a restored miniature steam train. When I was a kid my Grandma Norma would take me for a ride on it when we visited the zoo. She was a rotund woman who barely fit in the seats designed for kids, but she squeezed her way on and we had a wonderful time together. Grandpa Walter was a skinny dude and had no trouble with the seats. He would just smile benignly at his wife as we rode along.

At an age when toilet humor was the height of hilarity, I found out the train had been stored in the elephant house for many years and they had to clean the elephant poop off it when they restored it. My friends and I got a lot of mileage from elephant poop jokes until my parents got sick of it and banned elephant poop jokes from our home. I suppose I'll get to hear them all again in a few years when Dawn hits that stage.

As we strolled around the zoo, Dawn had that wide-eyed baby stare as she took in the sights. I loved watching her as her eyes flicked around and I could almost hear the gears grinding in her head as she tried to figure out just what the heck she was seeing. Her cheeks had a rosy glow from the slightly cool air and she would occasionally wave her arms or bounce a bit as we watched the animals.

Feeding time came, so we found a quiet bench in one of the buildings and I discretely covered us with one of her blankets while she sucked eagerly at my breasts. When she had finished with me Darcy took over with a bottle and she promptly went to sleep after a belch that would have made one of the gorillas proud.

Speaking of feeding time, Darcy and I indulged in some overpriced hot dogs and fries at the snack bar, congratulating ourselves about our healthy eating habits because we had a salad with our hot dogs. A salad counteracts the calories in the rest of the meal, doesn't it? Hot dogs at the zoo are a required part of enjoying the place.

Of course we rode the carousel, even if Dawn didn't seem to be too thrilled. I particularly like watching the lemurs, for some reason they fascinate me as they chase around with their ringed tails high in the air. The primates were on their best behavior today, I didn't see anyone getting bullied in the enclosure, which made me feel a lot happier.

Taking my daughter to the zoo made for one of the happiest days I've ever spent. Motherhood is amazing, especially with someone like Darcy to share it with.
 

We were walking through the Cat Kingdom watching the rhinos; sounds silly to say that, but the rhinos are on the other side of the walkway so you can watch them both, when the lion let go a big roar. OK, I jumped, but a kid, maybe four years old, started jumping up and down exclaiming "That's a lion, daddy! He's loud!"

"He sure is, Tiger."

"I'm a lion, daddy, not a tiger!"

"So you are."

The little guy was wearing a lion sweatshirt with a fuzzy ruff and a hood with lion ears. Cuteness on the hoof, except that lions don't have hooves. His mother, who looked to be about eleven months pregnant, was smiling benignly at the two men in her life.

The roar had roused Dawn from her nap, so I picked her up and ran through the standard baby checks to determine she was dry and not stinky, so I just held her and made silly noises. I settled on to a nearby bench and cuddled her. A minute later I was conscious of two big, brown eyes watching me as the little lion stood in front of me.

"My mommy's going to have a baby, a girl baby." he said solemnly.

"She is?" I asked in response.

"Pretty soon. But I can't play with her because she's gonna be too little."

"Well, babies start out being pretty small. You have to be very gentle with them. I know that you'll be a good big brother to your sister."

By now the parents and Darcy were watching our little conversation with amused looks on their faces.

"I'm gonna help!" he enthused.

"I'm sure you will. Your mommy will need you to be very good since babies take a lot of time and attention.

"Mommy's gonna have her baby in a swimming pool!"

Now where did that come from? I looked at his mother.

"Home birth in a water bath. Looks like a swimming pool to Ethan."

"Ah, from the mouths of babes…"

"He does have his own take on things."

I moved Dawn to my lap.

"Ethan, would you like to meet my daughter Dawn?" I asked.

"Sure!"

He came closer and stared."

"She's tiny."

"But she's growing. She was even smaller when she was born."

Dawn picked that moment to let go of one of those high-pitched baby shrieks that practically shatter glass.

"She's loud!" exclaimed Ethan.

"She sure is. I bet you were just as loud when you were little."

"He sure was!" confirmed his father.

"Daddy!"

Nothing like an exasperated four year old. I glanced up and Darcy was capturing the whole this whole scene with the camera. The girl had the instincts of a great photographer. So did I, so I set up the next picture.

"Would you like to hold baby Dawn on your lap, Ethan?"

"Can I?"

I glanced at his parents and got a 'It's your funeral' sort of look.

"Hop up here next to me, OK"

With clumsy agility the boy climbed up on the bench and I placed Dawn in his lap, making sure my hands were close enough for a quick retrieval if something went wrong. Nothing did, and I have the picture of a grinning Ethan holding Dawn in his lap on the wall of my office to this day.

With a sigh, Mom seated herself next to Ethan and Dawn and smiled.

"You're very kind. Ethan is fascinated with babies these days."

"I'd say he doesn't have long to wait for his new sister."

"Next week! I can't wait until I can carry her around in a stroller instead of inside me!"

"I can only imagine. Dawn's adopted so I never had the pleasure."

"Adoption sounds very good to me right now, even if I know it will be worth the effort when she's here."

Dawn started making happy baby noises and Ethan looked completely amazed.

"That means she's happy, Ethan. She likes you."

"Neat!"

"I'm Hope," I said, turning to my new friend. "and that's my crony Darcy with the camera."

"Dottie Ginsburg, and my husband Graham. So nice to meet you."

"A pleasure. I haven't been to the zoo in years, but now that I'm a mother I realize what I've been missing."

"Taking kids to the zoo always makes it fun. Obviously Ethan loves the lions."

"He's a sweetheart. I hope he does as well when his sister arrives."

"Sometimes I think we're nuts to have another child."

"Try being a single woman adopting a month-old baby with no warning! That's adventure enough for me. I don't know what I'd have done without Darcy to help."

"You're either crazy or courageous."

"A little bit of both. Looks like Ethan has had his fill. Can I hold Dawn now, Ethan?"

"Sure."

So I picked Dawn up again and she started rooting around.

"Looks like time for her to eat again." I said as I found a blanket and prepared to let her get to my breasts.

"I thought you said she was adopted?" Dotty asked in wonder.

"She is, but hormones can do wonders. Breastfeeding is always best if you can do it. It took a lot of effort but it was worth it."

"Amazing!"

"Anything with a baby takes a lot of effort."

"You got that right. Looks like Ethan is ready to go, it's been a pleasure meeting you, Hope."

"Let Darcy give you one of my cards and you can e-mail me so I can send you some of the pictures."

"Oh, thank you!"

"My pleasure! Enjoy the zoo."
 

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Darcy brought Rory for an extended visit today. He's a nice guy, not that I'd expect Darcy to be dating a creep, but it was a bit strange to be in the role of approving a boyfriend for a dependant. Motherhood has some unexpected twists, it seems.

Actually, we got on very well and had a good time. I think Darcy is pretty far gone on the boy.
 

Wednesday November 18, 2015

Three month well baby visit today - the baby is well. Duh! 12 pounds, 8 ounces and 22 inches. Just about average, not that my darling baby could be considered average in any way!
 

Thursday, November 20, 2015

Dawn is three months old, but do you think she cares? Not a chance. Still acts like a two month old baby - go figure.

I suppose these mini-birthdays are really for us adults, or at least those who are trying to convince ourselves we are adults. When I think of how much Dawn has changed in two months it's really amazing. She can keep her head up when she's on stomach, she does the baby clapping thing, likes to wave toys around and whacks at her mobile. She's even starting to show some interest in crawling. The kid is ticking all the boxes on the growth charts.

It may seem cold, but the best thing her birth mother did for her was to suicide and leave Dawn to get the love and attention she needs. Maybe I'm a heartless bitch, but after reading about her birth mother in the scandal sheets I shudder to think what her life would have been like otherwise.

Enough negativity. Darcy baked some birthday cupcakes and we shared them with all our customers today in the studio. We got some exceptional shots today, maybe feeding prior to portraiture is a good idea. Of course, we'd have to control ourselves or we'd be fat in no time. Darcy is a great baker.

As we flopped on the living room couch after the session, I asked Darcy what her plans were for Thanksgiving.

"Nothing on Thanksgiving day. Aunt Ursula has to work, so we're having the family Thanksgiving on Saturday when she's off."

"I guess police don't get regular holidays off very often."

"That's right. At least now she's a Lieutenant she has it a little easier. Mom said when she was just a regular officer she always got stuck with the worst shifts."

"Newbie and female?"

"I guess. I wasn't old enough to notice back then."

"Neither of us were born back then! It's strange to have a friend as old as my grandparents."

"It's pretty good, though. Aunt Ursula was there when I broke up with my first boyfriend and my mother was off in East Jahunga somewhere working. She just hugged me and let me bawl my eyes out, then told me it wasn't the end of the world."

"I bet you didn't believe her, did you?"

"Not a word! Then she told me about the guy who dumped her in the middle of her senior prom. I was so mad at him that I almost forgot I was devastated because Billy didn't love me any more."

"And how long did it take for you to figure out that Billy was an asshole who never loved you in the first place?"

"It seemed like forever, but finally my girlfriends told me he had been screwing around the entire time we were going together, but I just didn't want to see it."

"Love is blind and pretty stupid, too."

"You got that right!"

"I guess I'm lucky. Since I never went steady I never got my heart broken."

"I was kinda curious about that. Did you like boys even when you were one?"

"Pretty much, but since the other boys who liked boys were interested in a boy and not a boy who wants to be a girl, I never found anyone to get serious about. I went on a couple of dates with girls just to keep my parents happy, but they all knew it wasn't going to get serious. I even dated a couple of lesbians who were pretending just like I was. Mutual assistance pact, not really a date."

"I suppose I would have noticed if here was anyone special by now."

"Nope, nothing in sight. Now that guy with the cute kid at the zoo might have been interesting if he didn't have a very pregnant wife."

"All the good ones are taken, eh?"

"It seems like it. But then, until I have my surgery I don't intend to do any looking. Too much else going on with Dawn and you to look after."

"Sure, use me as an excuse, lady!"

"Any port in a storm. Now Rory seems to be pretty interested in you."

"Awww…"

"Well, I didn't think you brought him home for inspection because you found him on the street somewhere."

"Hope! It's not like that!"

"Just pulling your chain, sweetie. Love or lust?"

"Maybe a bit of both? But I'm not ready to go to bed with him."

"And don't do it until you're both ready. Look at me giving advice to the lovelorn. A virgin tranny - sheesh!"

"Doesn't mean you aren't right."

"We seem to have drifted from what's happening at Thanksgiving. Since you don't have any plans, would you like to meet my family and share Thanksgiving with us?"

"Have you asked your Mom?"

"Of course. She likes you, Darcy. You'll be welcome by everyone but my Weird Uncle Burt. He doesn't like anybody, especially his nephew who wears dresses."

"But he's family and you have to invite him, right?"

"Got that one the first time!"

"So do you get any rip-roaring brawls going over the football game after dinner?"

"Nah. We all learned how to gang up on Burt and shut him up when he gets to be too much of an ass."

"Family togetherness! How sweet. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I hope you breastfeed Dawn right in front of the old sourpuss."

"Whoah! Now I'm positively looking forward to Thanksgiving. I wonder if I should accidentally flash some tit at Burt?"

"Don't get carried away. I could bring the camera and be ready if something were to accidentally occur…"

"Telephoto lens so he doesn't see it?"

"Of course. You set up the shot, I'll take it. How about a mass e-mail to your family?"

"You minx! Maybe I should autograph it and give him a framed copy."

"You're bad! I'm going to ask Mom to invite you to our thanksgiving so we can have some fun there, too."

You've got a deal!"
 

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Life certainly gets weird. I spent the entire four years of my high school career avoiding sports, most especially football. Knowing that I was really a girl, even if nobody else knew or cared, the idea of watching steroid-soaked behemoths cavorting on the grass had little interest for me. No, I actively disdained such amusements.

I did have some sympathy for the cheerleaders, though. In several vivid dreams I was one of those nymphs prancing and bouncing around with pom-poms and a short skirt - I mean, how girly is that, really?

So it was truly strange to be sitting in the bleachers with Darcy and Dawn watching the Homecoming Game at Kathy's high school on a cool, clear Saturday night. The temperature was in the forties, so Dawn wasn't the only one wrapped in a blanket. I had forgone my usual skirts for some warm jeans, as had Darcy. How Kathy and the other cheerleaders managed in those little skirts was something I didn't want to contemplate.

Actually, I shouldn't complain about forty degree temperatures after reading about blizzards and tornadoes and such weather in the rest of the country, but that stuff doesn't happen here. Maybe all that running, jumping and hand waving keeps the girls warm.

Having met several of the girls at the impromptu demonstration on my front lawn, we were invited to celebrate the team's victory at a nearby pizza parlour. It's been close to a decade since I was in high school, but damn we had fun. Dawn was the star of the evening and I have the numbers of lots of babysitters available for duty if Darcy and I want to go out by ourselves.
 

Monday, November 23, 2015

A red letter day. Tonight when I fed Dawn she didn't want to finish up with a bottle. Does that mean she is getting enough milk from me to fill her up?

A girl can hope! OK, I'll say it: Hope can hope!
 

Tuesday, November 24, 2015 - Morning

Well really, the morning after the night before. To make life even better, she only woke up once overnight. She did want some bottle, after all she went far longer than usual between feedings. Dare I dream of a full night's sleep?
 

Tuesday, November 24, 2015 - Afternoon

"My, she's grown, Hope," said my favorite shrink.

"I should hope so. She's greedy as all get-out! Sucks me dry every time!"

"She what?"

"Hah! I'm a breastfeeding mother, Emma."

"You're looking rather proud, my girl!"

"I should hope so. Of all the things I had in my tiny little mind when I realized I was really a woman, breastfeeding a baby wasn't even on the list. Having someone totally dependant on you is a powerful motivator. I had to do some fast talking to the endocrinologist to let me try, but he decided there wasn't too much risk and a reasonable chance of reward. Dawn seems to agree."

"I suppose asking how your transition is going would be rather redundant under the circumstances."

"All the horrible things I imagined have stayed in my imagination. I suppose I've found out I have a very nice circle of friends. I'm trying not to be impatient to finish the RLT."

"Now that's a rather normal reaction for a transwoman. I'm glad to see you're normal somewhere in your transition."

"What? I can't be the only one who ended up a mother."

"There have been some, but none with an infant, and none so suddenly. I have to say seeing you so filled with resolve is a pleasure. I was beginning to wonder about your commitment."

"Actually, I was going to tell you that as soon as the hormones gave me anything near a B cup I was ready to go full time. Part vanity, part fear, I suppose. Nothing like a baby to juice up your commitment."

"I don't believe I would recommend such therapy to most of my patients, however."

"Might be hard to find enough babies, I suppose."

"Yes! black market hormones are a big enough problem, black market babies…"

"You know? It's good to be able to joke about it. I've been so busy with Dawn and the increased business that Darcy has brought in that I sometimes don't have enough time to relax and have a good laugh."

"Speaking of Darcy, how is that relationship developing?"

"Quite well. We've hit it off well on a personal level and she has really shown an interest in the photography business. She makes a wonderful nanny and a promising apprentice. She knows how to use social media effectively and has brought in quite a few new clients. Dawn is turning out to be a business asset as well. You wouldn't believe how she brings out the smiles in people. I don't know what will happen when she's mobile, but right now she's a charmer."

"I can see that. I'm having a bit of a problem concentrating on you and not making faces at her."

"Always a mother, eh?"

"Now wait a minute! I'm supposed to be the one doing the analysis here."

"Does that mean I get a discount?"

"Not a chance! I'm thinking that a month from now is getting close to Christmas and might be difficult to schedule, so shall we try to meet in early January. I think you are doing as well as anyone can on your transition, but certainly call me if anything happens to cause a problem."

"Sounds good to me, Emma. By that time you might even get to feed the baby - she should be ready to mush pablum all over her body about then."

"Get on with you! Tell your mother to be more respectful, Dawn."

I had to disappoint Emma (maybe) because I couldn't find a compatible date in early January. Fortunately, there was one slot open just before Christmas, so I took that one. Beggars can't be choosers, I guess.
 

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Thanksgiving!

The holiday where you get together with family, eat too much, promise your father you won't kick Weird Uncle Burt in the teeth. Males belch and watch football, females cook and wash dishes and kids drive everyone crazy. Traditional, huh?

Not in my family. My Dad is the cook, we eat reasonable portions of healthy food all year long and belching is verboten on pain of Mom's severe look. I'm usually in the kitchen, we all wash dishes and clean up and Ralph & Judy's kids are well behaved. I do have to promise not to cause Weird Uncle Burt to visit the dentist; so much for tradition.

This will be the first time I'll be attending as Hope; while the family gossip network has made sure that everybody knows I've transitioned, this will be the first time most of the extended family will meet Hope.

Then there's Dawn, who changes everything. Normally, Thanksgiving kinda rolls off my back and - ho, hum, it's on to Christmas. This year I have a whole lot to be thankful for, Dawn in particular. This year the thanks are most assuredly not perfunctory.

Perhaps I should call the roll:

*Me, Dawn & Darcy

*Mom & Dad

*Brother Ralph, Judy & the kids

*Mom's Brother Sam & wife Dolly

*Dad's sister Silvia & Weird Uncle Burt

*Mom's brother Charlie and wife Marge

*Aunt-by-courtesy Lillie, Mom's college roommate. She comes unencumbered with a man in her life

*Max, Aunt Lillie's nine-pound ball of canine fluff, otherwise known as a maltipoo. She never leaves home without him.
 

Darcy and I came over early to help get things set up - daughter's duty, don'tcha know? Of course everything came to a screeching halt so that the grandparents could play with the baby. Eventually Dawn was settled in the porta-crib that had become a permanent fixture in my parent's living room and we got the tables set and the out-of-bird stuffing stuffed. The in-bird stuffing had been taken care of some time before when the bird went into the oven. It takes a good five hours to roast a 24 pound turkey.

This was our first extended father-daughter bonding time, and other than a couple of rueful glances that I caught out of the corner of my eye Dad seemed happy to have me as his daughter. Ask any transperson and they'll tell you there is a world of difference in saying someone accepts you and them actually accepting you. By the time dinner was on the on the table I was sure that he really meant it when he said he loved his daughter just as much as he loved his son.

Actually, I was quite content to have Darcy do the honors of introducing Dawn to the family while I puttered around in the kitchen. This let me remove my apron and make a grand entrance carrying the turkey, revealing Hope to the family who hadn't met her.

Hmm - I still have the habit of referring to myself in the third person to differentiate the older me from the newer me. Lord help me if I start using the royal We.

I was wearing the Thanksgiving skirt that Judy had somehow found time to make for me - how she does it I'll never know! It was ankle length, with a border of turkeys and corncobs around the hem and cornstalks extending from the border to the waist. The skirt was in fall colors, so I wore a simple brown blouse that would let me easily unbutton it to feed Dawn. If she held to her usual schedule, that would occur shortly after we started eating, thus giving Weird Uncle Burt a show.

I have to admit I was looking forward to surprising the rest of the family, not just Weird Uncle Burt, but he was the prime target. Since this is an enhanced diary, I'll take some time to tell you about him.

Burt is the black sheep conservative in a family of liberal-leaning free spirits. How Aunt Sylvia ever came to love him remains a mystery, but they have been happily in love for longer than I've been alive. The word raconteur may have been coined just for Weird Uncle Burt - he is a masterful storyteller, knows more lousy jokes than any human alive, and is staunchly Republican. He is also, when the mood strikes him, thoughtful, caring and intelligent.

I present a certain problem to Burt, causing a conflict between his inherent conservatism and his genuine care for other people. To this day I have no idea how he manages to reconcile those two views, but he manages somehow.

When I realized that I was truly a girl, Burt was a tad skeptical - sort of like saying the ocean is a tad wet. Never hesitant to express his opinion, we had several extended conversations about transgender people. He was interested to learn about the subject but far from convinced that I was truly a woman. I was about to provide a demonstration of just how much of a woman I had become, but he was in blissful ignorance of just what was coming.

I settled the bird in front of Mom to do the carving and took my seat across the table from Uncle Burt. The poor man didn't even have any time to toss a couple of zingers at me before the dishes started whizzing around the table and everyone tried to snag their favorites before they disappeared. Considering the amount of food we had prepared, I considered shortages to be highly unlikely.

With the perfect timing of a baby, Dawn woke up about the time I had finished cutting my turkey into bite-size pieces. Dabbing my mouth with the napkin, I arose and picked her up, returning with a blanket for the pseudo-discretion of breastfeeding an infant. Dawn immediately started rooting around as she neared my breast, so I covered her with a towel, unbuttoned my blouse and unhooked the cup of my nursing bra. By this time I could do this sort of thing in my sleep - hell, I had done it in my sleep.

With unerring homing instinct her mouth found my nipple and she started happily sucking. The occasional audible slurp made sure that everyone was aware of what was happening under the baby blanket.

The reaction was all I could hope for, and Darcy was capturing it with the camera so that these pictures would grace the idle screen of our computers for all of time to come. I simply fed myself one-handed while Dawn had her dinner, politely ignoring the amazement of my family who knew damn well I had been born male. It took two prods of Sylvia's elbow to get Weird Uncle Burt to shut his mouth. That woman has a great future in professional hockey with an elbow like that!

Now I have never been an exhibitionist, believe me, but when Dawn had drained one side, I 'accidentally' let the blanket slip and Burt got a good look at my breast before I hurriedly replaced the blanket. Damn, I love being a nursing mother!

Nursing mother, eh? That started to change that night. Once Dawn had had her fill I settled her into the highchair that Mom had bought ages ago for the other grandkids. Much like sister-in-law Judy, Mom never throws anything out, thus the porta-crib and the highchair. With some padding around her Dawn was able to sit by this time and did that wide-eyed baby stare as she surveyed her kingdom from her throne.

I'm not sure why I did it, but with her mouth hanging open I took a finger-full of mashed potatoes and scraped a little bit into her mouth. Wide-eyed became bug-eyed and she worked her mouth around, slobbering mashed potatoes down her chin and onto her bib. Then she smiled. That kid's smile will melt my heart every time, and I made ridiculous noises praising her for eating her first solid food.

She took a few more finger-fulls, but she was already full from nursing so it didn't last too much longer. Another milestone passed, and in front of my entire family. She's a good kid.
 

One more thing needs to be said about Thanksgiving: I gave thanks for finally being able to cast my fears aside and make the transition to Hope permanent. Despite having known from before ten years of age that I just wasn't a man, fear and uncertainty had kept me from making the change permanent and public.

That changed with my sudden decision to become responsible for another life; I no longer had the luxury of agonizing and second guessing myself. My commitment was now total to being the best woman and mother I could be and to be sure the child who had such a rough start in life grows to be a happy and fulfilled person, able to share love an joy with the people in her life. For that I am truly thankful.
 

Saturday, November 28, 2015

No poker tonight despite it being the fourth Saturday of the month. The boys will be able to have a testosterone fest while I'm having a delayed Thanksgiving dinner with Darcy's family.

Somehow it almost feels like I'm married to Darcy, despite our age difference. Not that there's any romantic interest on either of our parts - we are both have our attention firmly centered on the opposite sex. Not that I'm going to be dating anyone until my surgery is complete, and even then being a mother comes first. But children do grow up eventually, so who knows?

Darcy's Rory was at the family celebration, too. I'm beginning to think that our sort-of-marriage may soon become a sort-of-ménage à trois, the girl has that look in her eyes and so does he. He spent a lot of time playing with Dawn and is good with her, He may just be a keeper.

Well enough speculation. Spending time with Darcy's family was wonderful. Ursula and I have become friends - over the phone mostly - we both have such busy and unpredictable schedules it's hard to meet face-to-face.

When we arrived Darcy's folks practically snatched the kid out of my arms. If I ever had worries that Dawn had only one set of grandparents who cared about her they were set to rest that evening. Did I say it sometimes seems like I'm married to Darcy? Well, her parents enthusiastically agree. I seem to be somewhere between spouse and Queen Mother. I was escorted to my throne (a very comfortable lounger) and plied with drinks and appetizers while Dawn was undressed from her traveling clothes and was tickled, smooched, raspberried and otherwise adored by all present. I think Ursula was about half-a-step from pulling out her badge to demand her turn at one point.

The dinner was superb, with Dawn sampling the mashed potatoes again, but this time I was not drafted into the kitchen - being the honored guest has its privileges. To my surprise, the TV was never turned on - this family believed in talking to each other rather than staring at a screen. I have seldom felt more comfortable with people I had just met, and even opened up a bit about growing up transgendered. No one asked - I just felt comfortable when the family started telling those stories about who did what when they were such-and-such an age, and wasn't that the cutest thing you ever saw?

The women present were universally approving when I put Dawn to my breast and the men tactfully averted their gaze as necessary. I was even comfortable enough to tell them about how I managed to start producing milk, but I did try to make the breast pump bra as funny as I could. Darcy was right there to supply the straight lines, we make a good team.

My only concern was that if we had to eat another Thanksgiving meal before the next year we would need new wardrobes. Salads for the next week, and maybe we should start jogging when we took Dawn for a walk.

Monday, November 30, 2015

If you're in retail, Black Friday marks the start of the Christmas Rush. For a photographer, the following Monday seems to be the start of the Christmas Rush. People are too busy standing in front of some store at five in the morning waiting for a bargain to sit down for their Christmas Card Photo.

My older colleagues tell me tales of shooting roll after roll of 35mm film, then rushing them off to the lab for processing. Then they had to pick up the proofs for the customer's approval, send the approved negative to the lab for printing, wait for it to be done and then distribute the resulting cards, postcards or fancied-up letters in time to have them arrive in the mailbox before Christmas.

Digital changed all that, and I was born late enough I never had to worry about 35mm as a professional. Now I take a bunch of shots and put them up on a screen for the customer to pick their favorite before they leave my studio. They pick the package they like and the click of a mouse sends it off to the lab electronically. A few days later it arrives at their doorstep without any further action on my part. Oh yeah, their payment is electronically credited to my account before they leave the studio, too.

Now if we could only find a way to apply this system to feeding a baby…

One peculiar thing did happen today, though. My last customer was so enamored with Dawn, who was happily batting at the mobile over her porta-crib, that they insisted on having her in their Christmas picture.

Say what?

Well, what the heck. Dawn has had so much attention in her short life that she is perfectly happy to be held by strangers, so why not? The pictures came out splendidly, but I would really like to know how they explained a baby that wasn't theirs in their Christmas letter.

They say the customer is always right. A bit strange, but always right.
 

Monday, December 7, 2015

Last foster parent class today. Who would have thought I'd consider this class a relief from my normal pursuits? The days have been crammed with people getting their Christmas card pictures, I've gotten to feel like we have a production line going. Darcy has us booked solid, and I think even she is getting worn out. Where that girl gets the energy is a mystery.

I haven't said much about the classes, they're interesting but not something worth putting down on paper. Actually, I have reams of papers with all the things a foster parent needs to know. If parents who chose the usual route to having a baby had to do all this we wouldn't have the population explosion to worry about. That's not a very strong bitch, though. After reading some of the things that have gone wrong with fostering I fully support trying to protect the children, first, last and always.

I've become sort of a minor celebrity in the class, learning at the same time I'm fostering. There never seem to be enough people willing to foster all the kids who need help, try as the authorities might. Lord knows I never thought about being a foster parent until I came upon the horror of Dawn's mother's suicide. I can't think of a better use for my life than to bring up this little girl as a strong, loving and intelligent woman.

I'm still pumping during the breaks, and Mary Ann and Sheila have joined me for a little girl talk once they realized what I was doing. Mary Ann is the mother of three, Sheila has no children of her own and is looking forward to being a mother, even if it is a temporary condition.

Which reminds me, my own mother tells me that the adoption is going forward, just slowly - such things make glaciers seem related to the Indie 500. I'm not holding my breath.

In a fit of insanity, I invited all the class members to come over to the house on Saturday to take a group photo and have a picnic. We all get along quite well and everybody was agreeable. Looks like Darcy is going to show off her skills at posing a large group photo.

Speaking of Darcy, her efforts have paid off in increased business to support the three of us. I knew that transitioning would change my life completely, but I had no idea…
 

Wednesday, December 9, 2005

I just about died of curiosity today. The mail comes in the morning, and in it was a letter addressed to Darcy from the community college. She's been waiting to see if she has been accepted in the photography program and, even if it sometimes feels like we're married, we aren't and I shouldn't open that letter. But I wanted to.

She was off doing something - I really don't know what - with her actual parents, so I had to wait for her to get home. We didn't have any customers this morning, so I played with Dawn until she took her nap. Then I stared at that damned letter.
Nice thick envelope, holding it up to the light did no good. I fruitlessly recalled reading several old mysteries from the twenties and thirties (the nineteen twenties and thirties!) where the hard-boiled detective and his moll steamed open a letter and read it before re-sealing it and sending it on.

Yeah! Like I could do that. Maybe I could get Dawn to drool all over it and it would come unstuck. Too bad I don't have an x-ray camera or a CAT scanner. I was getting pretty damn silly by the time Darcy got home and I gave her the letter.

She ripped it open with a flourish and screamed: "I'm accepted!" and did a little dance of celebration. That woke up Dawn, so I took the time to tell her that she was the most wonderful baby in the world while Darcy read the letter.

Come the middle of January she would be a full time student. She rushed off to her computer to log on and start selecting courses before they were full. Loud music started to emanate from her room, a sure sign she was concentrating hard, so Dawn and I went off to the studio to once again earn our living. It's really going to be weird not to have my partner-in-crime here with me all the time, but education comes first!
 

Saturday, December 12, 2015

This morning Darcy and I toddled off to the supermarket with both Rory and Dawn in tow, to stock up on drinks, snacks burgers and hot dogs. The poor boyfriend had to share the back seat with the baby and mounds of paper products and other picnic supplies.

Rory got a sappy look when Dawn decided it was time to dine on Mommy with a side of disgusting-looking, gloppy rice baby cereal as an added gourmet treat. At least by now she's figured out what to do with that stuff we keep putting in her mouth and not as much of it dribbles down her chin. The stuff that comes out the other end has become noticeably more offensive, however.

The propane tank on the grill was full, the studio cleared for a group shot if I can't get a nice one in the back yard. It was a bit cool for partying outside, but OK for grilling. There are tables and chairs all over the house scrounged from my family and Darcy's relatives. Rory did a yeoman's job with the setup - men are good to have around sometimes.

My fellow foster-class students and their families arrived at two o'clock and the party started, with a whole bunch of kids using the swing-set that came with the place and I haven't used since I was a kid myself. I suppose there are a few more years to go before Dawn is interested in it.

We had a ball! The kind of people who are willing to take a child into their home on short notice are simply my kind of people. Sure, you read the occasional story of some horrific foster parents, so I have to admit the social workers are not omniscient in their selection process, but I have faith in the goodness of people and it's usually returned.

Everyone was thrilled to meet the recipient of the milk I had been pumping during the class breaks, and Dawn could have been a football for all she was passed around. By the way, there are few things in this world cuter than the shy smile of a three-year-old allowed to hold a real, live baby on her lap. Darcy and I both filled our memory cards with pictures that afternoon. I do think that about half of her card was taken up by Rory, though.

Flopped out on the couch that evening after everyone had gone home (and they all helped clean up before they left!) I was struck by the thought of how nice it was to have a houseful of friends who had no idea I was trans and probably wouldn't have cared if they knew. I was a woman and a mother and I was accepted.

It's a good feeling!
 

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Dawn's four month birthday. So noted, but this time we didn't bake cupcakes or go gaga over the day. Dawn didn't seem to care, but we love her anyway.
 

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

"It seems like ages since I've seen you, Emma."

"It seems like a long time when you're used to more frequent appointments. Since I haven't had a panicked phone call from you I hope that means things are going well."

"Other than kicking myself for not having the courage to make the transition much earlier, I've never been happier in my life. My friends and family have accepted me as a woman and a mother, I have a partner I can rely upon and a child to cherish. Things are going swimmingly!"

"Partner?"

"Not a romantic partner, although sometimes we both feel like we're married. Darcy is the grand-niece of a friend who moved in with me to help with Dawn and has become my business partner as well. She has a definite talent for photography and a feeling for merchandising. Her marketing talents have increased my business considerably and we are both working almost full time to keep up."

"Hope, I'm not sure what I expected when you finally transitioned, but you have exceeded those nebulous expectations. I notice you don't have Dawn with you today."

"Darcy has her, she's started on cereal supplements and goes a bit longer between feedings now. That's the good part, but after a few hours I sometimes think my breasts are going to fall off they're so full of milk."

"Another expectation I never had. How does that make you feel?"

"It's the next best thing to being able to have a baby. Being able to nurture my child from my body is something I never considered and I'm going to miss it when she starts to grow up."

"Weaning my children was also a bittersweet experience. Life goes on and being able to cope with the changes is essential."

"So you've told me. I think having Dawn has made me aware of setting priorities and considering the welfare of others like I had never done before."

"And the hormone regimen?"

"So far no real problems. The occasional mood swing, but that's par-for-the-course with mothers, or so I have been told. Adding the hormones to let me breastfeed doesn't seem to have made any difference. I make sure to keep up regular blood work to be sure things are where they belong for a nursing mother."

"So you're three months into the Real Life Test. Have you given any thought to what happens when the year is up?"

"If you give the go-ahead I'm off to Thailand as soon as the stars align and I can be sure Dawn is cared for properly. Darcy has promised she will be there for Dawn while I'm gone and her Aunt Ursula is ready to help, too."

"You seem to have quite the support system."

"I've gotten an entire new family along with Darcy. Remember I told you about the police Lieutenant who was there when I found Dawn?"

"I think so."

"Well Lieutenant Ursula has become a good friend, for all that's she's my parent's age. She's retiring at the end of the year and says she'll be there for me when the time comes."

"Excellent! Hope, you seem to be well along the path to success. I could wish some of my other patients were as successful, but it never does to compare patients; they are all unique and such comparisons are useless."

"I have direction and purpose in my life now, and I intend to live this new life to the fullest."

"And with that, make an appointment for two months from now and I'll see you then.
 

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

A miracle happened this morning - Dawn woke me up at six in the morning. The miracle was she didn't wake me up at four in the morning! That's close enough to sleeping through the night to call for a celebration.

Well, actually the celebration had to be delayed - my bladder is used to being emptied as regularly as my breasts and I had to pee something wicked. I don't think I left a trail on the way to the toilet, but it was damn close.

Once that little situation was taken care of I realized my breasts were positively huge! When I lifted one to settle Dawn into place I actually shot a stream of milk across the room. A human fountain, that's me. The greedy little cuss certainly did her part to deflate them and soon I was far more comfortable than when I woke up.

Naturally her diaper was soaked having slept so long and we both needed some cleanup by the time she was satisfied, but talk about your early Christmas presents!
 

Thursday, December 24, 2015

We had a quiet Christmas Eve, just the three of us. We exchanged some small presents and drank cocoa while musing on how sweet our lives had become. Big family celebrations tomorrow and Saturday. Ursula got stuck working on Christmas again, but she has New Year's Eve off and is officially retired on January 1, she's a happy camper.

That will be a very literal description, as she and her husband Eric bought an RV and will be hitting the road to see what adventures await. I'm going to miss her visits, but they'll be back in a couple of months and staying the summer. They plan to be snowbirds even if we don't get that much snow here.
 

Friday, December 25, 2015

Christmas! Dawn is too little yet to care about it, but Darcy surprised me with a stocking from "Santa" this morning. Appropriately, the stocking contained stockings - and chocolate. I guess Santa must have a deal with the Easter Bunny, because chocolate is an appropriate gift any time of the year. I wonder when we can let Dawn have a sample. Somewhere in an album at my parent's house there's a picture of my brother Ralph from about that age on the day they fed him mushed peas and chocolate. Big smile with the spoon clamped in his mouth and gloriously messy from forehead to navel. I guess Mom had an adventurous streak back when she was a young mother.

I'm in no hurry to reproduce that picture.
 

Christmas dinner was almost a repeat of Thanksgiving, except there was a ham instead of a turkey. This time, Weird Uncle Burt wasn't surprised when I put Dawn to my breast, but I did catch him trying not to look as I fed her. The poor man just doesn't know what to think.

When Dawn had finished, I mixed up a small bowl of baby cereal for her and plopped her in Burt's lap. We all had a ball watching Burt try to get some of the gloppy stuff into her mouth. Even though she is getting better at figuring out what to do with the cereal, she still gets quite a bit dribbling down her chin.

Burt had a hard time being grumpy when the baby made happy noises at him. I couldn't get her back until she filled her diapers. Funny how that always ends a baby play session for anyone but the parents.
 

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Since Ursula had to work Christmas (she volunteered since she was retiring on New Year's Day and this would be her last time) Darcy and I expected her family dinner to be as much a repeat of Thanksgiving as we had yesterday. Charles Dickens already got his hooks into the phrase great expectations, but what actually happened was completely unexpected.

We were shocked when we arrived, Ursula did not look good at all. She was moving like an automaton and her color was not good. Where was the strong-willed police lieutenant who got me and everyone else through the bizarre suicide that brought Dawn into my life? What could have happened?

We made it through a rather subdued dinner, but after we had eaten Eric quietly came over to me and asked if I could spare some time to talk to his wife. Of course I could! I couldn't say were best friends, but in the three months since we had met we had formed a strong connection - if Ursula needed to talk then I was ready to listen.

We settled in Eric's hideaway - a room most carefully not referred to as a man cave, but was a small and comfortable place with furniture meant to relax in. Relaxed we weren't, but it was a place that encouraged confidences.

"What happened, Ursula," I asked before she could say anything. "Something obviously has you shaken."

"It's an ugly story, Hope. I've been a cop for over forty years and I thought I'd seen just about every kind of ugliness that someone could think of, but yesterday I found out I was wrong. I hate to screw up your holidays, but in a way it connects to you. Not personally, but knowing you has given me some insights that … Hell - I don't know how to say it!"

"When I get in a state my shrink always tells me to just start at the beginning and go from there. Not that I'm a shrink, but I have reclined on a few couches."

"I'm worried about imposing on your friendship. I don't want to treat you as an impersonal source because of who you are - this may have started on my job but what's bothering me isn't really a police matter - it's more a matter of trying to understand what happened.

"The beginning may be a bit hard to find here. I guess I'll start where I came into the story. 911 got a call about ten o'clock last night that someone had been shot. Sadly, the holidays bring out extremes of behavior both good and bad, and I got the call when the patrol officer saw the body. This couple got home from a Christmas party and found their child had committed suicide in their bedroom while they were out.

"A very messy suicide. She had gotten dressed to the nines - evening gown, jewelry, four-inch heels and full evening makeup. She sat down at her mother's makeup table in their bedroom, put a gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger. I think she wanted her face to remain beautiful, but her brains were all over her parent's bed. Sorry - that's how I found her."

"How awful!"

"It's the forth suicide I've seen in my career - I've kept count - but it was by far the worst. I think the mess was very intentional. Things went downhill fast when I tried to question her parents. Her mother was hysterical, but her father was in a towering rage. When I asked for his daughter's name he started screaming he didn't have a goddam daughter - he had a perverted sicko son."

"Oh shit!" That slipped out before I could put up any barriers.

"Yeah, oh shit. Hope, you're the only transwoman I've known personally. Sure, I've met the odd drag queen or tranny whore when I was in uniform, but I know you as a person. That girl had a signed picture on vanity and she was beautiful! She signed it with love to Mom and Dad!

"Her father kept going on about getting the trash out of his bedroom and why didn't the police keep perverts like that out of his house. Honestly, it was all I could do not to tell the asshole to shut the fuck up! I know - not professional, but sometimes…"

"You did better than I would have under the circumstances. I probably would have slapped the bugger silly, and I don't care if I would have been acting just like the stereotyped swish to do it! I don't have to worry about being professional!"

"Hope, it's shaken me. I can't imagine the pain that poor girl went through. Not only to end it, but to do it in such a way. I can't help but think she had as much hate in her as her father had. It's such a waste!"

"Ursula, there have been times when I thought about ending it all, but I have a loving family who accepts me and cherishes me. I was never seriously thinking about suicide, yet I've known others in my counseling group who have been through hell; and some who tried and failed. What makes the difference? I'll be damned if I know."

"I don't think anyone will ever know. I just can't help thinking of that poor girl trapped in such despair and hopelessness and anger that she threw away her life. Sometimes being a policeman isn't enough."

"Sometimes being a human isn't enough, but I feel better knowing that there are people like you who are police officers, who do care about people. I just wish the stories of your kind of cop made the front page and not just those of the bad actors who bring shame to the police."

"Don't I wish… I'm almost glad I'm retiring, every time I read about another black man - and it seems like it's always a black man - gunned down by the police I want to cry. We're supposed to be protecting people, not killing them!"

"The problems will never end, we just have to keep coping. I just hope that poor girl has some people who will mourn her passing. She at least deserves that."

"I don't know, it passed out of my control when the coroner took over."

"Maybe Dawn and I should attend the funeral. I didn't know her, but it's the least I could do for a sister who I couldn't help."

"I think I would like to be there, too, if only to be sure she is treated respectfully as the woman she was."

"We can only try, but now I'm afraid my daughter is going to be demanding my presence shortly or I'm going to start leaking."

"I guess that makes it the best of times and the worst of times all at once, eh mother?"
 

After talking to Ursula I was just as subdued as she had been. I just sat quietly in a chair, breastfeeding my child and trying to absorb what she had told me. Feeding Dawn is a wonderful experience, but it can hardly be considered all-absorbing. It is a good time for some serious contemplation, and I had some contemplating to do.

I knew as well as anyone could the overwhelming need to make my body match my mind, but it was quite foreign to me to have so much hate for another person that I could do what my tortured sister did.

Did the father teach the daughter how to hate? Was the need to hurt someone else inherent in their personality? Their genetic makeup? What could drive a person to abandon hope so completely that they would kill themselves?

What would I have done if my parents weren't the loving and understanding people they were? Could I have become someone who would pick such a messy and spectacular way to thumb my nose at an intolerant world? That could have been me if my world had not had the love I've found.

Violence. How could such violence become acceptable? I knew the pain and isolation of being a transwoman in a straight world, but never once had I wanted to harm people who didn't understand. Metaphorically beat some sense into them, sure. Pound my fists on the floor and scream into my pillow at times. Even deliver a dope slap like in the cartoons. But to actually, physically harm someone - myself included?

Never.

The answer is never. Period. Full stop.

Despite my deep thoughts, I was distracted as Dawn lost her hold and rooted around until she found my breast again. Looking fondly at that small face and the tiny hands gently massaging my breast, I knew the sort of love that makes people whole. I had been firmly told that in Darcy's family, nursing mothers need not hide their breasts with a cloth, but I should let everyone see the miracle of a child nursing.

Miracle. A small one, but potent.

A family with empathy, and that's when I realized that it could be the ability to put yourself in the place of another human being that made all the difference. It may not be the dictionary definition of empathy, but it works for me.

Even as a small child I can remember wondering what my dolly thought of at our tea parties. That the dolly was an object that couldn't think was of no import; I could imagine myself as a dolly at a tea party. As I grew older I could imagine myself as a nurse or a fireman or a skydiver - whatever exotic career had taken my fancy at that moment. It wasn't much of a jump to imagine myself as a woman.

Empathy was certainly lacking in my short brush with Dawn's grandfather. It would seem that Ursula's victim lacked that essential human characteristic as well. Painful as it was, I could imagine myself so terribly distressed that suicide seemed the best option. Not that it was an option for me, but I understood the path the woman was on; a path I could never be so selfish as to take.

With an exquisite sense of timing, I felt arms wrap around me and Darcy was there with a hug.

"So somber, boss. It's Christmas - not a time for deep thought and long faces."

"But it is a time to count your blessings, and two of mine are with me at this very moment. I'm blessed with a loving family, an equally loving adopted family, a prosperous business and a wealth of understanding friends. The entire world may not be joyful this night, but I most certainly am. Thank you, Darcy."

"Merry Christmas, Hope."

"It certainly is."
 

Thursday, December 31, 2015

New Year's Eve. Well, technically it's now January, but as I haven't been to bed yet it still feels like New Year's Eve. A rather quiet time, spent with Darrel and his family at their place. Felt a bit odd at first, not playing poker.

Darcy spent the evening with her family - also felt a little funny not to be together for a holiday. Funny how being a mother changes your perspective on so many things. New Year's just doesn't feel like party time any more, now it feels right to spend time as a family with another family.

Entertainment was simple - board games mostly. (No - not poker!) I was introduced to Settlers of Catan, one of those world building games with a weird playing board and rules that the novice has to keep being reminded about. Once I got the hang of it it was fun, but both of the kids beat the pants off of me. And yes, I was wearing pants tonight - it's gotten a bit cool for skirts lately.

About the only chance I got to hold Dawn was when she got hungry, otherwise Darrel's family monopolized her or she snoozed in the porta-crib. We all had a wonderful time, and I was introduced to the Compton family tradition of pizza at midnight. Darrel and son Dillon made it from scratch, disappearing from the game room every so often to make the dough or slice the veggies. It was delicious, but I had to request slices without pepperoni - spicy foods seem to make it into my milk and Dawn doesn't approve.

All in all a wonderful year. Not anywhere like I had planned it to work out, but I wouldn't trade Dawn and Darcy for anything. There's a whole new year ahead, and I hope it will be as satisfying as the one just past.
 

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Despite the best intentions of Ursula and I, we could not attend the funeral of my fallen sister. The family refused to even hold a service, simply placing her in her grave without ceremony, refusing to even allow her chosen name to be carved on the stone. Even in death she was shunned.

I'm disgusted.
 

Saturday, January 23, 2016

How in the world did I go so long without writing anything in this journal? Again. Might have something to do with trying to keep up with a baby and a job and a kid in school and…

You get the idea, right?

I didn't even write anything for Dawn's five month birthday. I suppose as she gets older the monthly birthdays seem to be less important. Dawn is sitting up by herself now and will laugh back at you when you go 'ha-ha' at her. She dances on her own feet when you hold her hands and babbles just to hear herself making happy noises. Happy baby noises are one of life's pure, unadulterated pleasures.

On the other hand, unhappy baby noises are enough to drive a mother to distraction and wonder just why she ever chose to take home the little screamer.

I'm better now… She's a good kid, really.

She's eating regular baby food pretty well now, and I'm feeling rather full at times when she isn't interested in nursing. A long way from weaning, but it's coming sometime. With any luck, she won't develop teeth before she decides Mommy is a secondary source. I cringe at the thought of my nipples being bitten.

Get you mind out of the gutter - we're talking babies here, not love bites. If I ever get the chance to have someone besides Dawn at my breasts I am certainly not thinking of biting as love play.

I was going to write about poker night and got distracted. Darcy had something going with Rory tonight, so Kathy watched Dawn so I could play poker without being constantly distracted. It must have worked, I made more from the boys than I paid Kathy to babysit. I don't think I'll take up a career as a professional gambler, though.

The gang has pretty much settled down to having a female at the games, as have a couple of the wives who - shall we say - had doubts about me hanging out with their men. The conversation is a bit less bawdy now that Hope is playing, but we all have a good time. I'm glad that hasn't changed.
 

Sunday, February 14, 2016

I wasn't ready to have a bouquet of flowers delivered this morning - I wasn't even thinking much about Valentine's day. I was doing a portrait series for a young couple who were very much in the throes of young love and was in my own dream world trying to get that love to show up for the lens when the deliveryman came by. The sign on the door of the studio says 'just come on in if the door is open' so he just came on in with a wonderful bouquet of flowers for me.

As a guy, Valentine's Day wasn't anything special - lots of little valentines for the class when I was younger, Mom & Dad kissing, that sort of thing. With no girlfriend I never thought much about it. The card on the flowers said 'to our favorite gal from your poker buddies.' I started sniffling and my young lovers thought it was the most romantic thing they had ever seen. It was just the spark to get the session going and the pictures came out beautifully. I blessed the autofocus option as I was having a hard time seeing through my tears for a while.

I've know I was a woman for most of my life, I've been a mother for some time now, but today I really knew that I was a woman.

Flowers.

For me!

Friday, February 19, 2016

I have to write this down, but I am completely bewildered as to how I can make it all make sense. My life has settled down to be about as predictable as a transgendered, self-employed businesswoman and single mother can get - which sentence is downright silly once I put it down. I mean… really!

Being a school day, I was working alone while Darcy was off being a student. For all of the day nothing remarkable had happened, Dawn was co-operative, as were my clients, and I only had one more sitting to go and I could kick back and relax. I was taking it easy and sipping a bit of tea and nibbling on some cookies (we nursing mothers need lots of intake, right?) when the door to the studio opened and a woman came in.

If you were to set down a description of the stereotypical well-to-do grandmother, you couldn't do better to describe the woman who just walked in. She was maybe five foot four, amply padded with rosy cheeks and a cap of curly gray hair that had been carefully tended by an experienced beautician. She wore an aqua silk blouse that just barely hinted at her ample cleavage and a nubbly gold skirt that ended just below the knee and simple black court shoes. A single strand of pearls (they had to be real) around her neck matched the pearl earrings in her lobes and her makeup was brilliantly understated. Her posture left no doubt that this was a formidable woman, no matter how grandmotherly she might appear.

You might have noticed that, unlike most transwomen, I haven't spent much time describing my clothes or underwear. As I went over this journal I thought about adding some rapt descriptions of what I was wearing, but frankly I just don't care all that much. I dress for comfort 99% of the time and like most transwomen, I am partial to skirts and seldom wear slacks or jeans unless I'm doing something that calls for such clothing. For the other 1% of my time I'm just as thrilled as any woman to go for the all-out glamour, knock-em-dead, take-no-prisoners look.

Yeah, like that happens all that often.

Just for the record, the weather being rather mild I was wearing a medium-weight print skirt in pinks and blues, a pink button-up blouse (I am nursing) and a plain, white nursing bra. Simple stud earrings (no more danglies since Dawn learned how to grab!) and no necklace to get in the way of a hungry baby. Pink trainers on my feet with some cute socks. My hair was put up in a bun - out of the way while working or nursing. I was hopelessly out-classed and out-dressed.

Anyway, I'll do my best to reproduce the conversation:

"May I help you?"

"Ms Waldrop?"

"That's me. Ms Hartman, I assume?"

"Yes."

"Please come in and make yourself comfortable. Could I offer you any refreshments? I have tea, coffee soft drinks, water - the usual assortment."

"No, thank you. I must confess I'm a bit nervous."

"Don't be. I try to make having your portrait made as relaxing and simple as possible."

"That's just it, Ms Waldrop. I'm afraid I'm here under false pretenses."

"Really? I'm willing to find out just how that is possible."

"I… Oh, there's just no way but to say it. I'm Dawn's grandmother."

See why I'm having a hard time putting this down? I hadn't thought of Dawn's birth family in ages; I no longer saw her mother jumping to her death in my dreams nor did I hear Lillian's father's loud and profane voice disclaiming any interest in my adorable daughter while his daughter's body lay broken on the hillside.

Now it all came flooding back.

"Are you all right?" she asked. "You've gone so pale."

I suppose I had. Quite frankly, I hadn't a clue what to do. That's where Mom's rigorous training in etiquette kicked in and I kind of went on automatic pilot.

"I… I wasn't expecting anything like this, but you're very welcome."

Did I mean that? Even now I'm not sure.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. Truly."

"I'm OK, I think. You were right - there really wasn't any way to sneak up on the subject, was there?"

"I couldn't think of any, Ms Waldrop, I've left my husband and taken back my maiden name, which is why you didn't recognize it. Losing my daughter has made me look at what I've done with my life and I don't like what I've seen. I failed Lillian, just as I've failed my other children. I can never make up for my past mistakes, but I want to try my best not to make any more in the future. It's too late for my daughter, but I would hope you could understand how much I would like to get to know my granddaughter.

"I do not wish to supplant you or judge you in any way, from what I have learned you have been doing a far better job as a mother than I ever did."

"Ms Hartman, family is very important to me. My family has stood with me through all the heartaches and trials in my life and been there for me unfailingly. I have no desire to separate you from your family. Please, come into the house and we can see if Dawn is awake. If she's still sleeping then you are welcome to wait until she decides to join us."

"You're very generous, Ms Waldrop. Thank you."

"Hope, please. If we're going to be family then I'm Hope."

"And I'm Mary. Thank you, my dear. I was so afraid you wouldn't be willing to let me see Dawn."

"You're her grandmother. I lost my grandparents far too soon, I am not going to deprive you of her as long as we can get along."

"Hope, I really hope we can become friends. I suspect you know a thing or two about starting life over again."

"That I do. It was scary and I dithered for the longest time. It was Dawn that made me realize that I had to make a decision. She is the decision and I haven't regretted it."

"I'm afraid I dithered for years, myself. I was too comfortable with the house and money and charities and all the things that don't really matter. I neglected my children, I ignored my husband when he was a boor. I was afraid to leave when I no longer felt comfortable there. I finally started to see a psychiatrist and when Murray found out he was livid."

"I'm so sorry to hear that. My shrink has been an invaluable friend who makes me look at the things I don't want to look at, but she knows how to do it in a way that's supportive and helps me be a better person."

"I'm not that far along yet, but I think I'm seeing things much more clearly now. I was lonely when I left Murray, but I soon realized I was lonely with Murray. We only occupied the same space, even when he was home. For Murray, the business is his life. Command and control, as the saying goes. I felt like a pawn on the chessboard, but I didn't know how to get out of the game. I didn't even know what game we were playing! I suppose it's an old story."

"A good friend of mine is a social worker. Naturally he can't give anyone details, but he says enough to know you have plenty of company. I'm certainly not in a position to judge anyone else after all the mistakes I've made. I just hope you and your counsellor can find a way to make life enjoyable again. Shhh… I think she's still sleeping."

She was. No matter how badly Mary thought she had screwed up raising her children, she knew enough to let sleeping babies lie. I studied her as she studied Dawn. There's a look that comes when watching a sleeping infant, something that bores deep into a parent's soul. That look was on Mary's face. No matter what had happened in the past, I was sure we could get along well enough to give Dawn another grandmother to cherish.

So we sat at the kitchen table and tried to make conversation. Naturally I gushed about all the endearing things little Dawn had done, and she eagerly listened, trying to know her granddaughter vicariously. I brought out the laptop and showed her some of the many pictures we had taken. We were just starting to get comfortable with each other when Darcy blew in - full of energy and life as only a young girl can be.

So I performed the introductions and Darcy surprised me by hugging Mary and telling her how sorry she was for the loss of her daughter. I should have known that girl would know just what to do in the situation. Right on time the sounds of fussing arrived from the monitor in Dawn's bedroom, so Darcy bustled back and in a few minutes came forth with a freshly changed child, which she handed to Mary without hesitation.

In Dawn's short life she had met innumerable people while I worked in the studio, there never was a baby so happy to smile for a stranger and show just how darn cute she was. Naturally it didn't last too long, the kid was hungry. Mary passed her off and I unbuttoned myself and let Dawn have at it. The look on Mary's face was priceless. With all the publicity from the crazies when I got Dawn, she had to know I was not a natural women.

"You're breastfeeding!" she said in wonder.

"It took some doing and the intervention of modern medical science, but I wanted the best for Dawn. I may not be able to carry a child, but I can nurse her and be the best mother I can be."

"Hope, I'm afraid you've punched more holes in my prejudices than a Swiss cheese. You don't know how hard it was for me to come here today, but I was wrong in just about every assumption I made. You're a remarkable woman and I hope we can be friends."

"I think we're off to a good start. What say that when this greedy little piggy is done with me you try to shovel some cereal into her gaping maw."

"That would be lovely. It's been a long time since I fed a baby."

"No time like the present to see if the old habits come back," chirped Darcy. "I just hope when it's my turn to be a mommy I get one as sweet as Dawn. I have a colicky cousin who takes a lot of patience. I'm not sure if I could ever work up that much patience!"

"You'd be surprised, young woman. My oldest was a trial, but… Now, let's not get talking about the bad side of babies."

"Good idea. Will you stay for dinner with us, Mary?"

"I'd be delighted!"
 

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Dawn is six months old today. Half birthdays deserve a celebration, even if monthly birthdays are no longer required. We just gave her the cupcake and let her make a glorious mess of it. Some of it managed to make it into her mouth, but most of it was smeared across her face and into her hair (what there is of it) and her highchair. Talk about your happy baby noises, she was ecstatic.

She still fits in the kitchen sink, and Mary (of course we invited her back!) volunteered to hose her off after her treat. Darcy played 'trot, trot to Boston' with her for a while. Dawn laughs maniacally when she gets to the 'we all fall in!' part and Darcy dips her down.

Lately she's taken to sitting on the floor and bouncing on her crossed legs. It's awfully cute and she seems to get a kick out of it. I'm not sure how she does it, but she even manages to move around a bit as she bounces. I suppose it's a warning that she will be crawling soon, so we had better start baby-proofing the place before she goes mobile.

She even gave me a present for her birthday, sleeping through the night. I had to change the sheets because I leaked all over them, and so did she, but damn it felt good to sleep for six whole hours! She set to with a will and drained me dry when she woke up. My little girl is growing up!
 

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Obviously, Emma and I had a lot to talk about today. At the end of the session she observed that we talked more about being a mother than becoming a woman. She mischievously pointed out that there's nothing like being a mother to confirm one's identity as a woman. It's been quite a while since I worried about being inadequate in my chosen gender role.
 

Friday, February 26, 2016

Where does the time go? With Darcy full time in school my trusted assistant was awfully busy and so was I. Not only that, but Dawn was no longer small enough to ride in the baby carrier while I worked. Most of my customers either didn't mind or actively loved her, but there are always those few…

Dawn was having her evening snack while I tried to edit photos one-handed when Darcy came home. She was excited. Now that's nothing new with Darcy, but she was waving a flier around as she exclaimed "Check this out, Hope!"

I dutifully checked it out and it turned out to be a two-day conference for professional and budding photographers at the college. Conveniently, it was scheduled for the Spring Break, so we could both attend - they even had daycare available.

As soon as Dawn was satisfied, I passed her over to Darcy to burp and cuddle while I finished my computer work and sent out the proofs and even did some billing. The businesswoman's work is never done.
 

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Poker night again, this time with the full crew since it was at Darrel's house. Once again Darrel's wife and kids monopolized Dawn and Darcy, leaving me to lose big time - $4.57.

I think I need my lucky baby at the table with me - at least it distracts the other players if I start nursing her.
 

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Yesterday was Rory's birthday. I knew this because Darcy had been planning all week for it. When she was planning a dreamy-eyed adolescent took over her body, often alternating with a little kid who just couldn't keep a secret.

Of course she tried to keep her plans a secret, especially from Rory, but any sexually mature adult would have no problems guessing what she planned to give him for his birthday. You just can't keep those sort of plans a secret when you live together in the same house. I found myself somewhere between the girlfriend that wished her luck and the mother who wished she wouldn't.

Darcy wasn't home by the time I went to bed and I would be damned if I was going to stay up waiting for her like an anxious parent. Besides I had a child of my own to worry about. Said child woke up in the middle of the night and was hungry, so I sleepily nursed her while trying to stay awake enough not to fall out of the rocking chair.

By the time Dawn settled down it was obvious Darcy was anything but settled. For a short time I thought she was having a nightmare, but I soon realized that those cries were most emphatically not cries of distress. In fact, it appeared a virgin sacrifice was taking place in the next room.

Well, it didn't sound like Darcy was sacrificing much, to tell the truth. I was just starting to wonder if they were going to wake the baby in their enthusiasm when it suddenly got quiet. That lasted a few seconds and was followed by a long, heartfelt moan and a series of bass grunts.

Interesting… Of course the porn I've indulged in usually features the couple cuming together in ecstasy or some such lurid prose, but the more freewheeling discussions on poker night assure me that that is so much malarkey. A gentleman sees to it that his partner is satisfied before taking his turn, which seldom lasts as long as it does in the porn films. Perhaps Rory has some experience he put to good use? I suppose it's none of my business.

Well damn! Seems like I have a voyeuristic streak I hadn't noticed before. I was actually getting turned on and was wishing I could be the one enjoying Rory's obviously effective attentions. Dawn was a bit annoyed as I seemed to have tightened up and slowed the delivery of her midnight snack.

Deep breath, concentrate on the business at hand, Hope!

Yeah, right. It had been a long time since I had any real interest in sex, from either side of the great divide. As a teen I had the usual male urges, but since I considered myself female all that did was confuse me. Once I rid myself of those two little testosterone generators the interest faded, but it seems that my new female hormones are having some effect besides reshaping my body. Life is complicated enough right now, do I really want to start noticing men in any but the OK, it's a guy - so what sense?

I was glad I had closed the door to Dawn's room so the lovers could make it to the bathroom without being embarrassed. I finished up with Dawn and made my way back to my bedroom while the shower was still running. Sleep took a while to return, I had a few fantasies to cope with first.
 

Breakfast this morning was amusing. I guess I'm trusted enough that Rory stayed the night. I smiled at the combined satisfied and embarrassed looks that adorned the lover's faces and said nothing. It will be interesting to see how often Rory stays overnight in the future. If he does, Darcy will get a pretty good idea how he would cope as a father to a baby.

Heh-heh-heh.
 

Thursday, March 3, 2016

The day has been surreal. Well, not the day so much as the evening. Darcy and I had just put Dawn to bed and were slumped in the kitchen when the front doorbell rang. We just kind of looked at each other stupefied; visitors at nine in the evening are pretty rare, especially when we aren't expecting anyone.

I shook myself and peeped out the peephole and saw Kathy standing there. A very dishevelled Kathy, looking like a forlorn waif, not the bubbly cheerleader we had grown to love.

"Come in, Kathy. What's the matter?"

"Oh Hope I just… just…"

She couldn't get anything more out and I found my blouse getting soaked with her tears as I held her. Moments later Darcy was there and hugging us both and murmuring nonsense.

After a few minutes we got her settled in a comfortable chair with a cup of hot tea in her hands - Darcy knew just what to do even if I wasn't sure - and we waited for the tears to subside.

"I'm sorry, guys. I… I just didn't…"

"Drink your tea and let it warm you up. Take your time and when you're ready tell us all about it." I replied.

"I guess. Oh Hope, Noah just dumped me!"

"Why that dirty rotten low-life scum!"

That brought Kathy up short and Darcy started to laugh.

"That's tellin' em, Hope. Nobody gets to treat our friend Kathy like that. I say we go over to his place and drag him out naked, shave him bald, tattoo 'two-timing jerk' on his ass, paint him blue and leave him in the Target parking lot face down in a shopping cart with his ass in the air so everybody knows what a jerk he is."

Have I mentioned Darcy is the creative type? She doesn't swear much but is quite inventive in propounding an involved and ingenious curse.

That pronouncement didn't exactly stop the flow of tears, but Kathy had a hard time not laughing. I passed over another box of tissues and let her snarf as needed.

"Damn!" she managed to spit out, "I knew coming over with you guys were where I had to go. I mean my folks love me and all but… you guys understand!"

Which sent me straight off into transgender la-la-land. I think I did understand, but since I grew up as a teenage boy I was never able to participate in intimate girl talk. Yet here was one of the most popular and good-looking girls in her school coming to me to cry her heart out when her boyfriend dumped her. Not her parents, not her classmates, not her family, but the neighbor across the street who she thinks of as a woman and who she can let her hair down and cry with.

Wow!

If I ever had any doubts that I had passed through the metaphorical door marked 'women only,' in her distress Kathy had made me realize that Hope was real and here to stay.

Of course we talked for a while longer, but was a school night and Kathy needed to get home. With a lot of commiseration and no few of Darcy's chocolate chip cookies, Kathy was feeling much better as we watched her walk across the street to her home.
 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Kathy is feeling much better - time heals, or so they say. She still isn't bouncing, but she isn't moping either. She's kind of like those older LED traffic lights - you know, the ones made of lots of individual LEDs. Most of the LEDs are lit, but a good chunk of them have gone dark. You still know that it's a green light, but it isn't quite right. Then there are those few that are flashing on-and-off. They're trying valiantly to stay lit and appear normal, but they just can't quite get there yet.

In some ways, I'm glad I never had a boyfriend, I never had to go through this kind of pain. Of course, I never got to be loved like that, either.

I wonder if it's worth it?
 

Wednesday March 9, 2016

Mary was over for supper tonight. Against all odds, I find I like spending time with her. Like Ursula, we're becoming friends despite the age difference between us. Quite frankly, I was prepared to hate her after her husband's appalling performance after his daughter's suicide.

Of course I had never even met her, so I was judging her only on the basis of her having married a boor. You'd think that I, of all people, would have more empathy after being harshly judged most of my life because of being transgendered.

I guess I'm only human.

At the same time as I appreciate her as an older woman I get the feeling that she is much like me, going through the painful discoveries needed to become her own woman. It sounds trite, but Mary was mostly 'Murray's wife' and not 'Mary'. Just as fear kept me from coming out as Hope, fear of a similar sort kept Mary as 'Murray's wife' long past the time when things should have changed.

Damn! Too many years of having my own head shrunk, here I am diagnosing my new friend. At least she has a good lawyer and some money of her own so she's not stuck in a shelter somewhere after having made the break. Darcy and Mary had quite a talk about going back to college over dinner, I think Mary is interested in brushing up her skills and going back to teaching. Once she became 'Murray's wife' she dropped her own career.

Not that the evening together was all serious talk; we gossiped and played with the baby. Unsurprisingly, talk turned to how to raise a baby. We got a good laugh at how the sage advice of professionals seems to change with every generation. Feed on a rigid schedule or when the kid is hungry. Sleep face up or face down. On and on about just everything you can imagine. My Grandmother swore by Doctor Spock, my contemporaries swear at Doctor Spock. I guess we all make our own mistakes, but I have a happy and healthy little girl so I'm satisfied.
 

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

My luck ran out today. Dawn was an absolute terror during the afternoon shoot, so bad that Darcy had to take her into the house and I carried on alone. I've gotten to depend on Darcy and I really missed her help while I was worrying about what was wrong with Dawn all the time. My clients were understanding, but it shook me. What would I have done if it was one of the days that Darcy was in class?

Life just keeps getting more complicated.
 

Thursday, March 18, 2016

Ouch! I'm beginning to question my sanity for taking on the responsibility for a child. Really, I am! She's been crabby for three days running and now I know why. I have a red mark on my nipple where her new tooth tried to puncture me!

Funny how a nebulous worry can become very real in a big hurry. So what else could I do? I called my mommy, of course. She sputtered a bit when I told her my problem, then she laughed at me, also of course. After all, when I was chewing on her nipples she had a son who she never dreamed would be needing advice on how he could breastfeed without getting bitten. Then she told me that I was a pain in the nipple when I was teething and wished me luck.

Once she stopped laughing, she did give me some helpful advice and told me to Google it. Now why didn't I think of that? I was hurting and shocked - that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Judy extolled the virtues of Ice Fish. Those are cute little water-filled plastic fish you stick in the freezer, then let the kid chew on them when they're fussy with teething. Numb the gums before nursing, and darned if it didn't help. Judy told me how Ice Fish became the go-to solution to any and all problems the kids had when they were young and she always kept some in the freezer so they were available to sooth the savage beast.

I wonder if you can make milkshakes with breast milk? I wonder if the little darling can learn to use a straw. Immediately. I don't like punctured tits, I worked to damn hard to get those puppies!
 

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Easter. I haven't celebrated Easter in years, but Darcy made me hunt for my Easter Basket after breakfast. Silly fun. Dawn got to exercise her new tooth on a piece of chocolate rabbit ear, then Darcy got to clean her up since she was the one who insisted the little darling had to celebrate with us.
 

Monday, March 28, 2016

Felt funny going back to school today, even if it was for a professional conference. Felt even funnier to spend an entire day without Dawn. That's the first time it happened since she came into my life. It was nice to be able to concentrate on something for an extended period without interruption, but every so often my head screamed 'where's the baby!' and I had to tell myself she was in the school's daycare being cared for during the conference.

Ah motherhood! I don't get out of the house much these days, working from home, as it were.

So we had the usual meet and greet to start - but with almost 100 of us involved in the conference I didn't get to meet too many people right off. There is a nice mix of professionals and students. Since my business is mostly portraits and other people-type things I opted for a session on landscape photography for the sake of diversity. Now that I think of it, my desire to take some pictures of sunrise in the mountains certainly resulted in a new direction for my life.

So we had a ball discussing lenses and settings and framing and all the technical stuff us photographers find fascinating. The hardcore landscape types seemed to appreciate that their subjects didn't move around or get stubborn. No 'watch the birdie!' crap to deal with. In some ways I can appreciate their point-of-view, but I find working with people is the most rewarding part of the job.

The facilitator was a guy named Alonzo, and I had some distracting thoughts about doing his portrait sometime. A man with lots of energy and enthusiasm, obviously in love with photography in all its aspects.

I was more than ready for the lunch break, but ate quickly because I was very ready to express some of the milk from my now over-filled breasts. We mothers are chained to our children in many ways, aren't we?

So I found a quiet room and sat down to pump away, feeling vaguely silly to be storing milk while Dawn was not all that far away snacking on milk I had stored away for her during the conference. No time to go over there and nurse, though.

I had settled into a nice rhythm and was enjoying the release of pressure when the door to the room opened and Alonzo came in to prepare for the next session. Naturally I got the 'I've been caught' reaction even though I know perfectly well that breastfeeding is normal and natural. Damn, societal conditioning can be a bitch!

Actually, he didn't even notice me at first, he was concentrating on his setup. I had calmed down enough to appreciate his double-take when he realized I was in the back of the room covered in a baby blanket.

"A mother's work is never done," I offered with a crooked smile.

"Pumping? My ex always hated having to pump, both for leaving the baby home and having to find a quiet place to do it. We both felt that breastfeeding was the way to go, though."

Ex, huh? Alright, I admit it. I had checked for a wedding ring. Nice looking guy, common interests, I dare you not to check that out!

"Absolutely. Sorry to distract you, I didn't realize anyone would be using the room during lunch."

"Think nothing of it! I just wanted to be sure the laptop and projector were working before the session. I hate having to wait while someone tries to figure out what silly thing went wrong with the equipment."

"I do too. How old is your child?"

"She's six. She's over in the daycare while we're here."

"Dawn is seven months. She's over in the daycare, too."

"Nice of the organizers to provide daycare. That's one of the hardest parts of being a single father, having to find someone to take care of Chantal when I have to be somewhere like this."

"I'm lucky my studio is in my home and I have a helper that's part business partner, part nanny, part web guru, part apprentice and part student. The girl has more energy than anyone should!"

"I'm going to have to meet this paragon sometime."

"You will in just about fifteen minutes. Darcy plans to be in your next session with me."

"Terrific! Getting to meet interesting people is as much fun as learning things at sessions like this."

"I have to agree. I do mostly portrait and commercial shooting, your landscape session was very interesting. Not that I'll have too much time to go on an extended backpacking trip to shoot mountain lakes and wild moose, but a girl can dream."

"I haven't had that much opportunity since the divorce, either. Chantal was just too young for backpacking, but we are planning to go camping for week in July. We both love getting out in the woods and hiking, even though I tend to do some extra backpacking when she runs out of energy and I have to carry her on the last part of the trail."

"I've never really gone camping, not something my family did. I'm a city girl, or rather a suburban girl, I suppose."

"You'll have to try it sometime. Take your camera and just wander and look for something beautiful, even if you aren't going to take a picture, the beauty is still there."

"Excuse me a moment, I have to change sides."

Alonzo courteously turned around to allow me to do so."

"It's safe to turn back."

"Nice to meet someone who's so comfortable with breastfeeding. There's so much silliness with some idiots who get grossed out or wound up by something so natural."

If only he knew how unnatural it was for this particular woman!

"And it's nice to meet a man who can carry on an intelligent conversation with a woman who is pumping her breasts. You're a pretty unusual guy."

"So I've been told, not always in a positive way!"

"There are some people who can't accept that others are different, aren't there?"

"And those are the people who equate different with wrong, right?"

"Pretty much."

"Hey - I've got to finish up, and so do you. People will start coming in shortly."

"Get to it, Alonzo. I don't want to sit here waiting for someone to make the computers behave!"

"Slave driver!"
 

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy" came the joyous cries of a six-year-old ball of energy as she rocketed across the floor of the daycare. Even with half a dozen people converging to collect their children, little Chantal stood out from the crowd. She had an explosion of black, tightly curled hair done up in those adorable little pokey-up ponytails, soulful brown eyes, cafe-au-lait skin, a Disney Princess t-shirt and stone-washed bluejeans. She must have had springs in her sneakers to let her jump up and fling her hands around Alonzo's neck, her enthusiasm running full-bore as she told him about her day.

"This is a neat place, Daddy. I got to play computer games and we played tag and I got to help feed the baby and we sang and…"

"Whoa there, Princess. Slow down!

"Can we come back again, Daddy?"

"Why certainly. You can come back tomorrow while Daddy is at his workshop."

"Goodie!"

"Is she always this enthusiastic?" I asked Alonzo.

"Pretty much. I'm not sure where she gets it from, her mother is the strong, stoic Sergeant type. She's in the military."

"Under the right conditions I could see you bouncing around a bit."

"I don't think I ever had that much energy."

"Children do tend to drain a parent's resources. At least you don't have to cope with four o'clock feedings any more."

"Hallelujah! Chantal, I want you to meet a new friend, her name is Ms Hope."

"Hi, Ms Hope."

"Hello to you, too, Chantal. I bet you were helping to feed my little girl Dawn today."

"Yeah! She laughs a lot when you make faces at her."

"So she does. And this is Dawn's Aunt Darcy."

"Hi Aunt Darcy!"

Hi Chantal. Thank you for helping to feed Dawn today."

"Speaking of feeding," I cut in, "it's about time for me to let her have another meal."

"Can I help?" asked the enthusiastic Chantal.

"I'm afraid that Dawn is breastfeeding, so I'm the only one who can do it right now."

"Awwww…."

"I tell you what - If your Daddy isn't in a hurry maybe you could help feed her some cereal when she's done with me."

I gave Alonzo a quizzical look.

"Can I, Daddy?"

"I guess we're in no big hurry. The only thing planned was to take you out to dinner tonight."

"Funny thing, I planned to take my daughter out to dinner tonight, too. The milk dispenser is getting rather empty in her own right, right now."

"I'm familiar with the problem. Go, maybe we can get to know Aunt Darcy while you take care of Dawn."

Actually, we all found a small room and got to know each other while Dawn nursed. In about thirty seconds, Darcy and Chantal were best friends for life while Alonzo and I smiled those knowing parental smiles that seem to come with the job. Conversation was no problem, Chantal took care of it by telling us all about everything!

I'm not sure how it happened, but we all ended up going out to dinner together, just one big happy family. Alonzo was that kind of guy, easy to be with.

Not bad looking, either.

Hmmm…

Of course, I had to put up with Darcy twitting me about my boyfriend all the way home.

Boyfriend?

Seems I thought I wasn't going to be needing one of those until after my surgery. Life is complicated enough coping with being an instant mother. Do I want to be an instant girlfriend?

Instant wife?

Do born girls get this crazy when they meet a nice guy? Really! I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here. I just met the guy and talked with him for a while. Maybe I should blame the hormones.

That's it! It's all the fault of those blame hormones. Everything is perfectly normal. I'm not going to go off in the woods with Alonzo and spending a weekend boffing him in his tent.

Now just where did that thought come from? I'm a mature woman, not some hormone-ravaged teenager!

Yeah, hormones again.

I'm going to bed. Now. The kid is going to get up and demand service no matter how screwed up her mother's head is.

I just hope I can get to sleep.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

"Somebody didn't get her beauty sleep last night, did they?"

"Shut up, Darcy."

I was not in the best of moods.

"I swear that it couldn't have been more than thirty-six seconds after I got to sleep that this little monster woke up with the most godawful stinking diaper that has ever been seen - or smelled! - on the planet. What did they feed her at that daycare? Then she fussed and fidgeted until I was ready to scream."

"From my point of view, breastfeeding is a wonderful thing. I slept the sleep of the angels."

"Shut up, Darcy!"
 

I felt vaguely guilty for attending a session that Alonzo was not giving, (I am not a giddy teenager… I am not a giddy teenager…) but I wanted to do the session about the business end of the photography game. After all, I do have to make a living at this. It was certainly worthwhile, Darcy and I got several good ideas to incorporate in our work.

We did have lunch together - stop grinning, Darcy! In the afternoon Alonzo turned up at the portrait photography session, claiming he wanted to expand his knowledge. Knowledge of what I'm not saying as he sat next to me.

I hope the feeling is mutual. Hell, I just have to admit it - I am a giddy teenager.
 

While feeding Dawn at the daycare, we made a date to all visit Mount Diablo State park together. Chantal was all for going tomorrow and we had to explain that while she had no school, her Daddy and I had to go to work. That kid can pull a pickle face that would melt a heart of stone. I hope Dawn ends up as cute as she is, but Daddy seemed impervious to her blandishments. Saturday it would have to be.

We tried to put out it was so Chantal can play with Dawn.

Yeah, right. Darcy wasn't buying and I heard about it all the way home.
 

Thursday, March 31, 2016 4:32 AM

Even though Dawn has been sleeping longer some nights, tonight ( or should I say early this morning) she was ready for the 4 AM feeding. We snuggled down in the rocker while she slurped while I played a game on my phone one-handed. What did nursing mothers do before smartphones? I was surprised when the phone started to buzz and that cheerful little whistle announced a text message had just arrived.

What the heck?

* You awake?

It was Alonzo!

* What the devil are you doing up at this hour?

*Chantal had a nightmare. Now she's asleep and my brain wouldn't shut off. Thought I'd take a chance you were feeding Dawn

* Hold on a minute

I pushed the little green phone icon and called Alonzo. Texting one-handed is a pain, much easier to use your voice. The contents of the conversation isn't worth noting in this journal, but I do like talking to the man. Doing so in the middle of the night is sort of like reading comics by flashlight under the covers so your mother doesn't catch you up too late.

Should I tell Darcy? It would be fun to see her face, but then I'd have to put up with her teasing.

It might be worth it…
 

Saturday, April 2, 2016

Has anyone seen the woman who used to write this journal? You know, the one who swore her life was complicated enough without some silly notion of romance? Especially before she has her surgery?

She's gone missing.

I seem to recall she was a photographer. Maybe there's a picture of her around somewhere we can put on milk cartons. Actually, she resembles a milk carton herself, being full of the white stuff to be dispensed on demand. For a very demanding baby.

She had some silly notion about going on a date with the nice man she met at a conference. Cancel the date and make it a family outing. He's got a daughter, she's got a daughter, her nanny/partner-in-crime/housemate has a boyfriend. A boyfriend who stayed the night "so we could all get an early start in the morning."

Yeah, right. I got a bridge in Brooklyn… Can't sell the Golden Gate, it's already been snapped up.

Good thing Alonzo has a mini-van. I called shotgun, Dawn and Chantal got the middle seat with the lovers in the back row along with all the crap needed for a baby and a picnic. Don't forget the camera bags - photographers like to be prepared!

It's been a while since I was at Mount Diablo, a couple of visits with my parents as a kid and one memorable trip with a gang from high school. You want to be sure you choose your driver carefully for those twisty roads, a girl can get the wobblies looking out the window on those hairpin turns with a guy trying to set a new land speed record.

I was relieved when Alonzo turned out to be a sensible driver, but going up those twisty roads still was a bit disconcerting. It brought back memories of going down twisty mountain roads when I found Dawn. Chantal, however, loved looking over the side and seeing nothing beyond the guard rail but - nothing. The view was spectacular, I could see how Alonzo could fall in love with landscape photography.

The day's surprises weren't over, however. When we got to the visitor center, who should be waiting for us but Ursula and Eric. I gave Darcy one of my 'stern mother looks' - largely in vain - and she admitted "I could have told Aunt Ursula we were coming up here today, I guess."

Some guesswork. Some 'first date.'

OK, enough complaining. We had a ball. When Alonzo suggested we hike the Stage Road Loop I was skeptical. 4.1 miles and climbing up almost 600 feet! This is the girl that hops in the car to go to the corner store. Then again, this is the girl that probably walks 4.1 miles with a cranky baby some nights, trying to convince her she's sleepy. No good taking the baby stroller, there are parts of the trail that it just won't go on. Besides, I'd be accused of promoting shaken baby syndrome if I tried to push the stroller down some of those washboard dirt roads.

That's when I realized that there were six adults in the party - that works out to only .68 miles each if I pass the baby around. Maybe this is the way go do on a first date!

"What about Chantal?" I asked.

"She's done six miles with me. Well, most of six miles. I did end up doing my 'Daddy's a pony' routine for part of the trip."

"And what happens if I run out of steam?"

"I could think of worse things than having you clinging to my body."

"Behave yourself!"

"Do I have to?"

"There are children watching, Alonzo!"

"There are adults watching, too," snarked Darcy.

"And I bet Rory would be the first to volunteer if you got tired."

"Even if she isn't tired," he said with a grin.

I could tell that Alonzo is a serious hiker, he had one of those fancy backpacks with an aluminum frame, but this one had been modified for his camera equipment and a tripod was lashed to the place where you would expect a sleeping bag to be. Chantal had a Disney princess backpack (I was getting the idea there was a theme to that girl) and I had seventeen pounds of Dawn strapped to my back and a camera around my neck.

Rory surprised me by having a pretty serious backpack and he supplied Darcy with one as well. The two of them were elected to carry our lunch. Ursula and Eric roughed it with just water bottles and belt pouches.

The weather was a bit cool up in the hills, but perfect for hiking. I have to say that sitting in a workshop learning some of the fine points of landscape photography was interesting, but actually traversing that landscape with a skilled photographer made all the difference. Even Ursula, with her smartphone camera, got some lovely images. Those of us with professional cameras fussed and twiddled and framed to get some superior stuff, but with country this gorgeous it's hard to take a bad photograph.

Not that we completely ignored portrait photography, after all we had two beautiful children to be our subjects. Oh yes, one beautiful man, too. Sorry Eric, but I'm biased. I have to share one I got of Alonzo. My heart still melts when I look at it.

You'll note the warm coat, even though it was warming up nicely in the city, up in the hills it was rather chilly when we started out. By the time we had lunch the warm-weather gear was in the backpacks.

Ursula and Eric shared stories of visiting Mount Diablo as kids, Darcy was no stranger as well - both families were outdoorsy types. Even though I was worried about a city girl wandering in the woods, I thoroughly enjoyed the walk.

We found a delightful spot for lunch and Dawn didn't seem to care that it was served with Mom sitting on a rock. Chantal was fascinated with the baby nursing, so I once again explained how babies got nourishment when they were little. This time I let her hold Dawn and try to burp her, which was rewarded by a belch that echoed through the hills. I just wish someone had a camera ready at that moment, Chantal's big, brown eyes were as wide as any owl's when it happened.

"Y'know," Alonzo offered, "my grandmother used to live right near the park and ride her horses in it."

"From all the signs for equestrian trails I've seen she must have felt right at home."

"They didn't have any established trails back then, they just rode wherever they wanted. Grandma and Grandpa came here in the sixties and tried to be hippies in Haight-Ashbury."

"Tried?"

"Great-grandpa didn't think Grandpa was good enough for Grandma, so they ran away to become hippies. Got married on the beach by a friend who had one of those ordination certificates from some weird church nobody ever heard of, bought a six-pack and some weed with the last of their cash and spent their honeymoon night high and happy. At least that's how Grandma tells it.

Anyway, they couldn't even afford a place to stay and their friends were getting a bit peeved by them couch surfing, so a friend of a friend of a friend introduced them to his maiden great-aunt who lived in the hills just outside the park. She had horses and chickens and was getting a bit too old to manage alone, so they got to stay with her if they helped take care of the place.

"Grandma was a horse nut - still is for that matter - and she was in heaven. When Grandpa ran their old clunker off the road and totaled it their only transportation was on horseback. Grandma loved to ride all day in the park - after all they didn't have a paying job to waste time on. They were happy until the old girl finally passed on, but she left them a small bequest that was enough to get them started in the so-called real world."

"Sounds like a success story to me," Eric said.

"I'll have to introduce you sometime. They're pretty cool people. I don't see them all that often because my folks got religion and don't approve of hippie parents."

"So the crazy skipped a generation?"

"I'm not saying which generation has the crazy, but seems like it. I think I get my wanderlust from them, not to mention a rather skewed outlook on life."

"Then you'll fit right in with this crowd," Ursula offered. "Hope is one of the most delightfully crazy people I've ever met, even if we met because of a tragedy."

"Oh?"

"It's a long story, and complicated. You'd best ask her sometime when you have plenty of time to hear it. Right now we ought to get moving again before these old bones freeze in place."

"Old bones? Nonsense!" replied Alonzo diplomatically.

"Old bones," reiterated Ursula. "I bet I'm of an age with your hippie grandparents. I always envied my friends who went off and became hippies, but I became a cop instead. Not sure which of us got the better deal."

"You're a cop?"

"Was a cop, thank you. I'm retired and loving it."

"I sort of wondered. My ex is military police. You kind of get to recognize the signs after you've lived with a cop, military or civilian."

Interesting, I thought. We hadn't talked about his background too much. Well, I hadn't told him much of mine, either. We only just met!

"You and I need to go somewhere and talk, Alonzo," Eric grinned. "Seems like we have a lot in common."

"You're in trouble now, Auntie," said Darcy.

"Are we hiking or doing true confessions?" I asked. Like I said, we hadn't to time to tell all my secrets.

Whew!

"Ah, a mysterious woman," exclaimed Alonzo. "I'm intrigued. Shall we delve into the deep, dark past the next time we see each other?"

"I'm not old enough to have a deep, dark past, fella. Mystery, I'll grant you. Confusion in profusion."

"Daddy, stop talking and start walking!" commanded Chantal.

"The wisdom of the young. Let's move out, troops. Which way do we go, princess?

"Read the signs, Daddy."

Smart kid.
 

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

I realized something today. After years of knowing I was really Hope, spending more and more time as Hope as opposed to John-Paul until I finally realized that I am Hope. Now I realize I'm comfortable being Hope, it isn't an alternate personality or an act. It's just who I am. I finally realized this when I met an old high school buddy while I was shopping for groceries.

Having seen life from both sides, I can tell you that a woman knows when a guy is checking her out. If the guy isn't too obvious about it, it can even be a pleasant experience. I mean, who doesn't want to be appreciated?

It gets annoying when said guy spends his time staring at your breasts or trying to see down you cleavage. You just learn to cope, just like any other woman does.

There is another variation known only to transwomen, however, and I suppose transmen as well. That happens when someone who knew you before transition runs into you and has that 'where do I know her from?' look on his face. I've been blessed by a body that doesn't scream 'male' and I am seldom clocked after ten years of being Hope whenever I could, but it happened when my old buddy Charlie Horse and I met in the bakery aisle.

Yes, Charlie's parents actually hung him with the name 'Charles D. Horse.' As far as I know the middle initial doesn't stand for anything but a really abominable joke. Some parents should be isolated and banned from all human society. At least there should be a board of judges to short-circuit such nonsense.

But I digress.

As I searched for baking powder and he searched for who-knows-what, he finally got up the nerve to ask "Do I know you from somewhere?"

Now that line is as old as the hills, but Charlie was simply trying to clear up his confusion, not pick up a hot chick in the supermarket. Charlie has always been a bit of a geek, socially awkward but brilliant. A regular walking stereotype.

"Yes Charlie, you do know me, but it's been a long time and I've changed. A lot."

"Oh?"

"John-Paul Waldrop, Charlie. Now known as Hope, and this is my daughter Dawn."

"Wow!"

"You're looking good, Charlie. You haven't changed much. What are you doing these days?"

"Industrial automation stuff. Not very interesting to most people, but I love it. Uh, what are you doing?"

"I'm a professional photographer and a mother." Damn, he was staring at my breasts, but I wasn't too annoyed. Charlie never had much social awareness, he didn't mean anything nasty about it. "Yes, they're real, Charlie. Real enough that I'm breastfeeding Dawn."

"Wow!"

Still one of Charlie's favorite words. I suppose his buddy breastfeeding an infant is a bit much to take in while standing amongst the flour and sugar packages.

"I see a wedding band on your finger. Any kids? Who did you marry? Do I know her?"

"Oh. I married Amy Spencer. Two kids, boy and a girl. They should be over in produce, she sent me to get a bag of sugar."

"Congratulations. I'm still single but I have hopes." Name of Alonzo, but I'm not going to go overboard.

"There you are!" came the triumphant cry from down the aisle. I wondered if I was going to have to send out a search party."

"Oh, Amy. I ran into an old friend, but she's changed."

Funny how a wife has to check out the woman her husband's talking with in the store. Then I got her version of the 'where do I know you from' stare.

So I went through the whole thing again. The kids rolled their eyes in boredom while the adults blathered on. We left with vague promises to stay in touch after exchanging phone numbers, but I wasn't going to bet the farm on the follow-through. At least as a mother, I hoped Amy wouldn't consider me competition.

Once I got Dawn settled in the car seat I sat there for a minute and mused on the encounter. I couldn't get Charlie's fascination with my breasts out of my mind.

My breasts.

Meeting Charlie again brought back those feelings that my younger, allegedly-male, self felt back in school. The feeling of being in the wrong body. The fascination and the intense longing to have breasts. Trying to surreptitiously study the girl's breasts, watching the back of the girls to see the outline of their bras. Fantasies about feeling breasts on my own body, putting a bra around me because I so wanted to wear one. Oh the rich fantasy life. Oh the guilt!

Then there was that first weekend where I was alone and was able to glue on a pair of silicone forms and feel the weight on my chest, to feel how a bra supported my breasts when I adjusted the straps. To wake up with weights upon my chest, just like a girl would.

It was almost enough, but not enough. Not quite.

Sitting there in the driver's seat while Dawn made happy baby noises I realized that my breasts had become a part of me. No longer objects of fantasy or longing, no longer unattainable feminine markers, but simply me!

It wasn't that long ago that I had developed far enough to appreciate the support of a bra. The bone-deep satisfaction of being able to settle my breasts in the cups is still fresh in my mind, but then realized that I hadn't thought there was anything special about putting on a bra in what seemed like ages. In fact, if I had stretched feeding time a bit too much I had become annoyed with having breasts.

And dammit, I was having fantasies about Alonzo sucking on them. I hardly know the guy and I have drifted off in erotic fantasies more than once.

Maybe I should give him a call. Would my mother approve? She always had that pickle-faced look whenever a girl called Ralph. Liberal she may be, but when she grew up girls didn't call boys.

But then again, boys didn't become girls back then, either. Flinging those teenage strictures into the dust heap of history, I went ahead and did it. Just why shouldn't I give Alonzo a call? Of course, that brought up the conversation I was going to have to have with him before things went much further.

I had never thought that much about holding that conversation since I was sure I was not going to get romantic notions about a man until after the operation. I've been lucky to have very little trouble with taking the hormones, but they do seem to be having some effect on my libido. Is that normal? I'll have to ask my endo next time I see him.

I pushed the button on the steering wheel and the cheery voice said "Say a command."

"Call Alonzo." I replied in my clearest voice.

Calling Alonzo Knight on cell," she replied.

Except it was Chantal who answered. She had obviously been instructed in circumlocutions so she didn't have to say 'Daddy's on the toilet taking a dump.'

Perfect timing, Hope.

So I had one of those on-again, off-again conversations with a six-year-old until Daddy was available.

Once again, we didn't talk about anything worth setting down for posterity, but I loved to hear his voice.
 

Friday, April 8, 2016

Sometimes I feel like a bug under examination by some miniature entomologist. No, really, Dawn has mastered that piercing, concentrated stare that pins you to the metaphorical wall with its intensity. Even making silly faces seems to be irrelevant, until she finally decides to focus elsewhere. Damn, she's so cute!

Speaking of being metaphorically pinned to the wall, talking to Alonzo just might qualify. Damn again! I feel like a giddy teenager talking to him and here I am a mature mostly-woman of twenty six years. I'll admit it in these scribbles that I certainly wish I were done with surgery and able to invite him into my bed without fear.

It's times like these that I truly regret those years of indecision about transitioning. A little more confidence, a little less fear, whatever, and I'd already be as completely feminine as it was possible to be.

Of course, up until a couple of weeks ago I thought I wasn't interested in such things. I'm sure Emma will have something pithy to say at our next session about clients who lie to themselves. Or maybe clients who just plain don't know their own mind.

In any case, Alonzo and Chantal are coming for dinner tomorrow. Darcy and Rory have volunteered (remember those old war movies where the Sergeant says 'I need two volunteers - you and you are volunteering!') to amuse Chantal so I can prick up my courage and tell Alonzo about myself. If I've been having romantic daydreams about the guy I need to be honest and tell him the truth.

And this time I'm not going to procrastinate and equivocate.

Oh, shit! I'm scared!
 

Saturday, April 9, 2016

A cool, gray, rainy day. Not so surprising this time of year, but I'm trying not to let affect my mood. Thanks to the after-Easter sales I found a leg of lamb that was only mildly extortionate in price, so that's what I'm serving. Thanks to a recipe from a Hungarian friend, I covered it in slivered garlic and roasted it with thin sliced potatoes - a magnificent dish to help me set the mood. A man who is replete with good food should be more receptive.

Dinner was a success, and Darcy successfully took Chantal into the living room to play some game or other while I talked to Alonzo. The wonderful man helped with the dishes, and afterwards we sat at the cozy kitchen table with coffee and I screwed up my courage.

"Alonzo, I think you've realized I'm rather taken with you and Chantal."

"The feeling is mutual, Hope."

"I'm probably going to make a hash out of this, but there are things you need to know about me if we intend to get serious about each other."

"Take your time and I'll listen."

"It's hard to know where to begin. Until we met I was sure that I was just too busy and had too much on my plate to fit anything romantic in my life. You, my dear, blew that all to hell!"

"After a failed marriage I had similar thoughts, myself. I certainly wasn't looking for romance either, but you've made that seem like a silly choice."

"Then you need to know just who and what I am and how Dawn came into my life…"

So I told him all about me. I really don't remember just what I said or how I said it, it all came out in a jumble despite my attempts at scripting the conversation in my head these last few days. I finally got to the main point - that I had been born male - when a rueful smile adorned his face and he said "So that was you I read about."

Huh?

The bugger had read that newspaper profile that ran when I found Dawn and had the crazies on my lawn. Alonzo had read it and filed it under 'that's interesting but so what?' and gotten on with living.

"Some of the things you said rang a bell somewhere deep in my brain but I couldn't quite call it up. Maybe that's what I find fascinating about you, that you aren't a typical woman. Not to be gauche, but how the devil can you be breastfeeding? You aren't part cyborg, are you?"

See why I love the man. No drama, just curiosity about me. He reached out and took hold of my shaking hands. His were warm and loving while mine were cold as ice. He listened while I told him just what it was like to be me, told him my hopes and dreams, and got lost in those beautiful blue eyes of his.

At some point, holding hands wasn't enough. He came over and put those warm, loving hands on my shoulders and kneaded my tortured muscles into jelly. When I ran out of words he kissed me on the cheek and I think I dissolved into a puddle on the floor.

"I think getting to know you better is going to be a wonderful experience. Next time I'll have to tell you about myself and
Chantal's mother. If we intend to make it as a couple you need to know about me and my flaws. I think it's time we went in and spent some family time together, though. Shall we?"

That's when we kissed. Not some peck on the cheek, but a full-bore, overhead cam, spoke-wire-wheel-spinning, screaming down the drag-strip kiss.

Hey - I did grow up male despite my wishes. Some allusions hang on in spite of outward appearances.

I got another taste when they left; the quality is consistent, but I may need a few more samples to be sure.
 

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Another late-night gabfest on the phone with Alonzo. At least for those of us with children 10:00 PM seems late night. We had gotten on the subject of sunrise and sunset photography, a time of day much beloved by us who try to capture the world on film.

Funny how that phraseology has stuck even though we capture the world on millions of little electronic sensors that then fill millions of electronic holes in some ultra-miniaturized little electronic device. We still focus the lens and push the button to get an image, no matter how it's stored.

I'm getting sidetracked again.

I mentioned how the last sunrise pictures I had taken were the day I rode that cable car and found Dawn. There was a prolonged silence.

"Alonzo, you still there?" I asked.

"Yeah. Look, this may be crazy, but Chantal has always wanted to ride the cable car. Would it be too much to ask if we took her for a ride next Saturday?"

"I think it would be OK. I did have nightmares for a while, but I think replacing those images with a family trip would be a very good thing."

"Family trip, eh?"

"When we're together it feels like family. You've been so generous in accepting all of us. I know Darcy is almost as in love with you as I am."

Again the silence.

"I think that goes for Chantal and me, we're both falling in love with you."

"Damn, I wish you were here. Kissing a phone is not satisfying at all!"

"Virtual kissing just plain sucks, Hope. So, are you game to try and get some shots of the sunrise?"

"I want to say yes, but somehow it isn't as easy when you're hauling a baby around with you. If Dawn decides she wants that 4 o'clock feeding I'd have to leave as soon as she's done; if she decides to sleep through you might not be able to get me out of bed in time."

"You could always stay over here and I could make sure you get up."

This time the silence was mine.

"How far does the invitation go?"

"As far as you're comfortable and no further. I'm talking spare room here. Besides, there will be children present to chaperone."

"Let me think on it."

"Sure, we got all week. Whether you accept or not, come over for Friday dinner. I need to reciprocate for that lamb."

"That I don't have to think about. We'll be there. Oh, Darcy and Rory will be out clubbing or some such, just Dawn and me."

"The next time for them, then. I'm looking forward to Friday."

"So am I."
 

Friday, April 15, 2016

OK, I'm cheating. I'm actually writing this on Sunday, the weekend was a bit busy. Had better things to do than write in this fool thing.

I don't care what the problems are - I'm going to marry Alonzo for his cooking alone. Roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, Brussels sprouts with butter and a ton of garlic, homemade chocolate-raspberry pudding.

I have one of those interesting problems, with both of us good cooks we'd weigh about 300 pounds in no time. I don't want to spend money on a new wardrobe, thank you.

All right, I won't keep you in suspense any longer. Yes, we did stay over. Yes, I stayed in the spare room. Yes, it wasn't that simple.

Did you really think it would be?

Knowing we were going to be up at godawful o'clock in the morning, we tried to get to sleep early. We both went to bed when we put Chantal into bed.

Sleep? You've got to be kidding. Why is it that whenever you know you have to be up early you just can't get to sleep? Being in a strange bed has something to do with it. Having the object of some rather interesting erotic fantasies on the other side of the wall may be a contributing factor. Add in a little bit of worry about riding in the cable-car that started me on the path to motherhood, add a fussy baby and you have a really bad mix.

I did get to sleep, but I couldn't say when I finally got there. I can tell you when I stopped sleeping to the minute: 3:47 AM according to the big, luminous green numbers on the bedside clock. Dawn was early for the four o'clock feeding I was hoping she wasn't going to be wanting.

I stumbled into the living room where the big, cushy reclining rocker swallowed me like some primordial something - a hungry primordial something. I had another hunger to assuage, so I unbuttoned and let the little darling do her best. She finished one side and was working her way through the other when I felt those warm hands on my shoulder again.

"A mother's work is never done, is it?"

"So I'm told. You have warm hands."

"So I'm told."

Those hands started doing their magic and I once again reveled in Alonzo's touch. Talk about your inducement to let down your milk, massage like that is a winner! Dawn gave a sort of a hiccup as my flow suddenly increased, but she soon settled back to her work.

I was nicely spaced out when she finished, so much so I hardly noticed she was done in my bliss.

"She done?" he asked.

"Gotta burp her."

"Here, give her to me, let me see if I still have the touch."

"Your funeral."

The little darling did her duty and snuggled down in his arms like she was born to be there.

"Let me carry her in to the bedroom so she doesn't wake up."

"Thanks."

I snuggled down into the bed and he placed her beside me, then kissed me on the cheek.

"Don't go?" I muttered sleepily.

"Are you sure?"

"Sure."

Alonzo's body is just as warm as his hands.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

The alarm in Alonzo's spare room is just as annoying as the one in my bedroom The cursed thing went off at 4:45 AM, which, if you can do some basic math, is two minutes short of an hour after Dawn woke up. Why does the sun rise so stinking early? Can't it wait for a more civilized time to accommodate photographers who are also nursing mothers?

As I groped for the alarm I realized that there was a very warm hand on my breast, which slipped off as I reached for the stupid clock.

"Damn!" I complained.

"What?" Alonzo was confused.

"Your hand was warm and I miss it already."

"Your breast is nicely warm, my dear Hope. I didn't mean to be fresh. Hell, I didn't mean to stay in your bed."

"You're welcome any time. We'll have to talk about it sometime when we're awake."

"Daddy?" came a plaintive little voice.

"In here, pumpkin. With Dawn and her mother."

"What's all the noise?"

"My alarm clock must be going off, too. Could you shut it off for me?"

"OK."

"Busted!" I spoke. "Are we in trouble?"

"Not as far as I'm concerned. Hey princess, you want to snuggle?"

"Sure!"

"You climb in on the other side of Dawn so she can't roll out of the bed, OK?"

"Sure!"

Oh my! I'd read about 'morning woodys,' although they had never happened to me personally. Right now I was up close and personal to Alonzo's morning woody and it was poking me quite insistently. He tried to wiggle back out of contact, but there wasn't any room with four of us in a double bed. Actually, it was kind of flattering considering the circumstances.

Good thing we were under the comforter. I held converse with Chantal while I felt a warm hand massage my breast, safely hidden beneath the comforter. Eventually I felt the pressure on my nether regions ease and we managed to get out of bed.

Quite a bit of non-verbal communication was exchanged before we all sought privacy to get dressed for the day.
 

The less said about the drive up the mountain the better. I tried to stay awake, but I fear Alonzo was accompanied by three sleeping companions and left to navigate all alone. I woke up to a tender kiss - much better than that damn alarm clock - and found myself in a different place than where I had taken those sunrise pictures a few months before. We got out just as a glow was appearing in the East. Leaving the girls in the land of nod, we each set up our gear and waited companionably for the sun to rise. Waiting with Alonzo's arm around me was much more pleasant than waiting all by myself. It was still cool enough that I appreciated the warmth for more than just being close to this fascinating man.

The sunrise was all we could hope for, just enough cloud to bring out the colors but with the promise of a great day ahead. I clicked away, played around with some filters I've had for ages but never used, trying various settings and framings just for the hell of it. That's the beauty of digital cameras, you can take all the pictures you want and not run out of film. How did our ancestors live with 24 or 36 shots at a time?

When the show was over, Alonzo surprised me by starting to unload the van. I was starting to think of finding a place for breakfast; just what was he thinking of?

Why breakfast, of course. I had forgotten this was the guy who goes camping and backpacking. In no time at all there was a folding table with chairs set up and a camp stove perking coffee and frying bacon on the portable table.

Hmmm…Maybe I could get to like this outdoor stuff after all.

As there is the magical force imbued in bacon, it tickled Chantal's nostrils and she awoke with a smile and called "Bacon!"

"So, you'll wake up for bacon, eh princess?"

"Daddy!"

"Alonzo is a cook with foresight. He had plenty of bacon, eggs and coffee, along with orange juice and muffins. What was that I was saying about weighing 400 pounds if we ever got married?

Poor Dawn was still too young to partake, but I did drip a few drops of bacon grease into her mush and she seemed to approve. Chantal was happy to feed Dawn while we cleaned up and put away the picnic.

All in all, a pretty good start for the day.
 

We were way too early for the cable car, so we put Dawn in the stroller and wandered around until it was time. I didn't have to exert myself, Chantal was thrilled to do the pushing. A bit erratic as she had a hard time seeing over the top of the stroller, but the occasional nudge kept her heading in the right direction.

"You know, one thing I've missed as a single dad is going on family trips. Having you and Dawn here makes me think of how good it feels to have a family again."

"I'm flattered!"

"I don't mean to push, but you are one of the best things to have happened in my life in a very long time."

"And you are one of the best things to happen to me in a very long time."

"Pretty sudden, though?"

"Blindsided, my good man."

"When the kids are napping I want to tell you about the last time I was blindsided by romance. I'm afraid my record isn't so hot."

"Alonzo, if you are willing to have me share your bed then you have to be one of the most tolerant and loving men in the history of the world."

"Whoa! You'll give me swelled head."

"Something else swelled this morning, if I recall correctly."

"My apologies. I wasn't…"

"Hush, silly man. I know about morning wood and you don't need to apologize. I'm just sorry I'm not able to accommodate you quite yet."

"I don't want to push."

"You aren't pushing. I need to finish some surgery before I can accommodate anyone. If you're comfortable we can see just where we want to go, as long as we don't scare the children."

"That does put some limits on things, doesn't it."

"I never could figure out how those pioneer families in a one-room cabin could pop out a dozen children so easily."

"Different standards of privacy, I suppose. 'Why don't we do it in the road?' didn't originate with the Beatles."

"Chantal didn't seem to be upset finding us in bed together."

"That was the first thing on my mind when I woke up next to you. Well, maybe not the first thing, but close."

"I think the place is opening up, shall we head over there?"

"Lead the way!"
 

"This is the car where it happened." I said.

"Oh."

"You can see that window has a slightly different tint than the others. That's where she jumped out."

"I can't imagine what you went through."

"It was surreal. I was observing her closely because she seemed to be flaky or high. I was worried about the baby because she seemed to treat it so casually."

"I guess it's a good thing Dawn's too young to remember and Chantal is too interested in looking out the window. Are you going to be OK?"

His arm was around me again. Nice.

"I think so. Actually, it isn't bothering me as much as I feared. In fact, I kind of hope I can watch the scenery this time."

I did enjoy the scenery and we did just about everything a tourist can do at the place. We even had a crappy, overpriced lunch at the snack bar with fried everything. We loved it. Keep this up and we can try for 500 pounds.

One other thing to note. When I was just coming out as a transwoman, I learned that there is a certain look that you inevitably get from some people who realize you're not quite what they expect. It can vary from quizzical to downright disgust, but you get to recognize it. It's been quite some time since I've drawn that attention, especially since I made my final transition.

Today we got that look from more than one person. Naturally, I thought it was me that was the cause, it's a pretty easy conclusion to jump to. After a while I noticed the faces were turning between Alonzo, me and Chantal. It took me a while to realize that we were two white people with a biracial child and a white baby - that sort of thing stands out. I suppose prejudice comes in all forms, and it's no fun to be on the receiving end. I've learned to handle it, but why should a six year old have to put up with this crap?

Alonzo noticed how I suddenly stiffened up and he guessed what was happening. He's been there before, he knows. His solution was to cuddle up and whisper in my ear "Ignore the damn fools. We're a family and they can go to hell if they don't like it."

It took a while to work out my mad, but I wasn't going to let the bastards ruin our day.

So there!

We managed to wear ourselves out quite handily. Chantal was out as soon as we hit the road, and Dawn soon followed. Alonzo took the opportunity to tell me about himself and his marriage.

"Actually, it was sudden and a long time coming, which isn't the contradiction it seems. Amahle and I went to college together. We were pretty much just friends who had some of the same interests. We were lab partners, so we had to spend a lot of time together. She was black and I was drawn to her exotic beauty, but for the longest time we were just friends. We dated once or twice, but it wasn't all that great. We pretty much decided we were friends and that was what worked best for us.

I think we managed to work through the black-white culture clash pretty well, not that either of us became experts on the other's culture, but we enjoyed each other's company. The bigger clash was ROTC. Her family had a military tradition, mine has the peace and love anti-war tradition. We kind of decided that meeting the other's family might not be such a good idea.

Which worked just fine until our senior year. We were at a frat party that got out of hand - we both got drunk on our asses. It's a damn good thing we didn't have a car or we probably would have smeared ourselves all over the road on the way back to her dorm. Her roomie was off with her boyfriend and we pretty much passed out in her bed.

Real romantic, huh? It was still dark when we both woke up a bit and found each other right there in bed together. We were both still half-drunk but damn, she was beautiful and we were both horny. No discussion, we just tore off each other's clothes and that was all she wrote.

Actually, when we woke up later in the morning neither of us was too proud of ourselves, but we were still naked in her bed and this time we were coherent enough to think of the other person. I'm sorry that my first time was a blur, but that second time was memorable.

We were reminded of how memorable about six weeks later when she found out she was pregnant. We gave marriage a try, and I think we both were trying to make it work, but the cultural differences were just too much. When she joined the service Chantal and I got left home while she was training and then when she was deployed.

I just didn't fit into the military life, especially as a military spouse. It tore her up to have to leave our daughter while she was deployed and after a few years we realized that it just wasn't going to work.

We agreed it was best for Chantal to be with me, and we remain friends. Whenever she's back in the states we make an effort to see her. Chantal is starting to forget just who her mother was, she's still too young to have long-term memories like that. I try to show her pictures and read her the letters her mother sends. If Amahle's somewhere with internet access we do video chat."

"So that's the sad story. I quit drinking after I found out I was going to be a father, I was disgusted with myself for treating a friend so shabbily. Getting drunk is no excuse for being so stupid, but I was young and stupid. I'm trying to be better.

"I wasn't drunk last night, but I was more than ready to accept your invitation. And I don't give a damn about who you were before or what you have between your legs. I think we're falling in love and I'm ready to see where this goes."

"You're going to make me cry."

"Go ahead. Woman's prerogative."

"I want to be with you, too. And Chantal. All of us. If you think we can make it as a family then I hope we can try."

"How daring are you?"

"You have to ask after all this?"

"Not quite the same thing. Tomorrow we're supposed to go to visit Chantal's grandparents. If we are going to be a family then I'd like to have you come along with us."

"Oh boy! You don't ask much, do you?"

"Audacity, always audacity. Stay over tonight. The four of us will fit better in my queen bed than in that double."

"I don't have any clothes!"

"We can throw your stuff in the wash so it's clean tomorrow."

"Are you out of your tiny little mind? If I'm going to meet… Wait a minute - am I meeting your parents or her parents?"

"Her parents."

"You seriously want to bring me to see your ex-wife's parents? It's a damn good thing you stopped drinking, you're able to do insane things completely sober."

"They're sweet people. They weren't too sure of me at first, but we have a good deal of affection for each other. I did mention the interesting woman I had met at the conference when I was with them the last time."

"Interesting woman? I suppose I'm that."

"So, will you come with us?"

"As long as we stop home so I can get some clothes. I'm not going to meet these people in less than my best Sunday-go-to-meeting dress."

"You - you're all woman. Clothes before anything else."

"You'll pay for that!"

"I'm driving."

"I'll put it on your account."
 

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Just a few highlights of a very interesting day. I'm going to need some time to process all that happened.

We slept together, or at least we occupied the same bed all night. Neither of us was used to sharing a bed with an adult, so it wasn't a deep sleep by any means. It was comforting to surface and feel that warm body next to mine before I drifted off again. Dawn, the darling, made it to six before she demanded attention. Chantal joined us around eight and we snuggled. The big kicker was when she asked "Are you going to be my mommy?"

Just what do you say to that question?

"I don't know, honey. Your Daddy and I like each other an awful lot so we'll all be together a lot now. Remember you have a Mommy already and she loves you very much. If you want to call me Mom then I'd love to be another Mom to you."

"Cool!"

Things are simple when you're six years old.
 

I was nervous getting dressed that morning. Even though I had gone through the agony of selecting my outfit the night before I still felt like I hadn't got everything right. It was almost like I had jumped back ten years and was agonizing about what to wear in front of the mirror in my room while my parents were gone. No one was going to see me, I had no intention of leaving the house, but I wanted to really look like a girl. I wanted to be a girl.

Now I was a girl - well, a woman - and so much so that that adorable little girl wanted to call me Mom. That adorable (is that the right adjective?) not-so-little man wanted me in his bed but here I was agonizing like a newbie once again. Just what do you wear to meet the parents of the woman you're trying to replace? Well, not really replace, but you get the idea.

When I opened the bedroom door I was enveloped by delicious smells. I found Alonzo in the kitchen braiding Chantal's hair. He made it look easy, and I realized that if I was going to be Mom to this little princess I was going to have to learn what you do with such luxurious, kinky hair. My own hair has sort of soft waves and a good brushing is all it needs most times. I've never gone for high-upkeep styles.

"Good morning, beautiful," Alonzo greeted me. "You're looking just lovely this morning."

Really? Puddle time.

"Hi Mom."

Great big, deep with a hole to trap your boots and suck them off your feet when you walk through it puddle time. Don't wreck the makeup, Hope.

"Good morning to you."

"I take it Dawn is still asleep?"

"Do you hear her demanding attention?"

"Not yet. Could you finish off breakfast while I get dressed? The waffle maker should be hot enough shortly and there's fruit salad in the fridge."

We may have spent the night together in bed, but the sweet man was willing to give me space to put myself together without him watching. I started to think about the day when that wouldn't be necessary any longer.

"Of course. I like your hair like that, Chantal."

"Thank you, Mommy."

The puddle was still there.

"You need some ribbons for your braids. Do you have any?"

"Sure."

"Red ones?"

"And pink and blue and yellow and…"

"I think the red ones would be best with your dress. You look very lovely today."

"I like your dress too, Mom"

"Thank you."

Mom! Don't spoil the makeup!

So I took over the breakfast making and asked Chantal to show me where things were. I let her pour the batter for the first waffle and she was excited. Would Dawn be like that when she grew up?

A little later Alonzo returned with Dawn freshly changed and dressed. I could get to like this sort of thing!

"She's all ready, but I'm afraid there's only one of us here that can supply her breakfast."

"Thank you! You're a sweet man."

I took the baby and sat down. In no time she was nursing while I watched my family get breakfast on the table. I soon had a plate with a cut-up waffle topped with fruit and syrup and a cup of coffee prepared just the way I like it in front of me. Heaven! Us nursing mothers need lots of energy to produce milk.

I was fully engaged both stoking myself and my child when my phone started to ring. I knew it was Darcy from the ring tone.

"Alonzo, could you get that for me, please?"

"Sure. That is if I can find it in your purse before it stops ringing."

"Stop being such a man and just answer the phone."

"Yes Ma'am. Good morning, Darcy. I'm going to have to put you on speakerphone because Hope hasn't got any free hands available."

"And just what are you doing with those hands and why weren't you home last night?" Darcy laughed.

"One is holding a baby and the other is shoveling waffle in my mouth. Pardon me if I pause to stuff my mouth while we're talking, I'm hungry."

Chantal was at my side. "Hi Darcy!"

"Is that my favorite little princess?"

"It's me!"

"Good morning, Chantal. Are you eating waffles, too?"

"Yeah! And I got to pour the stuff into the waffle maker!"

"Good for you. I guess I don't have to ask where you are this morning."

"I was able to find a comfortable bed for the night, so you don't have to be worried."

"I'll leave it at that since you're on speakerphone, but girl - I want details when you get home!"

"Now wait a minute!" cried Alonzo. "Am I going to be the subject of common gossip?"

"Hardly common, my friend. Quite exceptional, I would say."

"Details! Lots of details," laughed Darcy as she hung up.
 

"You know," Alonzo observed, "riding in the car is a lot quieter now that Chantal has a baby sister to keep her busy."

"Until the sister falls asleep. Dawn must have been conditioned by Pavlov or something; put her in a moving car and she's out."

"Chantal was like that too. They outgrow it eventually."

The chatter from the back seat confirmed that. Chantal had Dawn giggling quite nicely."

"Sometimes I have to wonder how fast things happen in my life."

"Oh?"

"One fine morning last September I just went out to take pictures of a sunrise and came home a mother. One fine morning I went out to went out to take pictures of the sunrise again and I came home with a lover and Dawn has a sister. I'm almost afraid to take any sunrise pictures again. Who knows what will happen!"

"Could I point out that it was me that ended up in your bed before the sunrise and it was you that ended up in my bed after the sunrise?"

"Details! You're as bad as Darcy with her details!"

"And just how detailed do you plan to be with Darcy?"

"At this point there isn't much salacious material in our details."

"Wanna try for some?"

"You!"

"Of course with me."

"Our children are in the car."

"And they aren't paying any attention."

"And what kind of attentions do you have in mind?"

"I'm not sure. I've never been in bed with anyone like you before."

"There are plumbing issues, I suppose."

"No family planning issues, though."

"Always a bright side, isn't there."

"Even before sunrise?"

"I understand that some people enjoy seeing the bright side before the sun rises."

"It deserves some exploration."

"I'm a little bit nervous."

"Only a little bit? I'm pretty nervous myself."

"I'll be honest. Until very recently I haven't had any real interest in sex. With no testosterone in my body my libido is pretty low. Was pretty low. Until I started dreaming of you."

"Oh?"

"Maybe the female hormones are changing that along with my body." I took a quick look at the back seat to be sure Chantal was occupied. "You realize I still have a penis, small as that is. I don't even know if I can have an orgasm at this point. I haven't wanted to try. Until now."

"Uh, I think we need to find something else to talk about."

"You aren't suddenly becoming a prude, are you?"

"Not a prude. I just think that it would be inappropriate to introduce my in-laws to a wonderful woman while I'm sporting a hard-on."

"Oh my! Did I do that?"

"What do you think?"

"Nice weather we're having…"
 

"Mima!"

Chantal was off and running as soon as the car stopped. Her grandparents were on the front porch waiting our arrival. Braids and ribbons flying, she streaked up the walk and flew into their arms.

"She calls them Mima and Papa," Alonzo informed me.

"So I see."

Dawn was still awake and appeared to be wondering where her entertainment had gone. I picked her up, handed her to Alonzo, then hoisted the diaper bag and my purse. Time to meet the in-laws.

I needn't have worried. Alonzo was right, they were lovely people. Dawn found a home in Mima's arms immediately and proceeded to do her laugh riot thing for Mima. When it came time to nurse, both of them looked on with approval at breastfeeding a child.

I told a simplified version of how I found Dawn, leaving out the gruesome parts and saying how I was still fostering but would adopt in another few weeks when the courts got through procrastinating.

Once again I had to revise the weight estimates. I think I have been adding 100 pounds per good cook in this family, which gets me to 600 pounds if I remember correctly. If Alonzo's ex-laws follow through with everybody else I'm going to explode!

I was relieved to learn their daughter was deployed somewhere in the Middle East, so I had some time before I had to worry.

We took a walk to a nearby park with Chantal insisting she be the baby-pusher and the adults looked on fondly at her efforts. There we sat around while Chantal played with her grandparents as well as the playground equipment.

We were sitting alone when Alonzo remembered to tell me that Chantal's birthday was on Friday, something he had forgotten to mention during our whirlwind weekend. Of course I was invited to the birthday party, but it came with a warning.

"I'm afraid she wants to have it a Chuck-E-Cheese. I'll supply the earplugs."

"What?"

"I take it you've never been."

"Nope."

"The place is filled with bleepity-bloopity electronic games, has a really stupid stage show with a band of automated bears and has the worst pizza I've ever had to swallow. Chantal loves it and I love Chantal; this may turn out to be the real test of your tolerance."

"I've been worried about gaining too much weight with all the good cooks I've fallen with lately. Maybe this is the universe's way of helping me to eat less."

"I may be overstating the case, but the kid loves it."

"Will you hold me if I faint from the excitement?"

"With pleasure. Just be sure you aren't holding the baby when you pass out."

"Fair flowers such as myself faint daintily, we do not pass out. That happens to people who drink too much."

"Does the bullshit get loose if you hit the floor?"

"You!"

"I could get used to having you around. I love jousting words with you."

"Sorry, but that cry may not contain words, but it does contain information. I suspect it's a good thing we're out of doors so the smell will dissipate quickly."

"Sit, I'll take care of it."

And off he went to change the baby. How did I get so lucky?
 

By the time we got home and put Chantal into bed we were tired, but snuggling on the couch felt so good.

"I suppose you have to get home?" There was a wistful tone in Alonzo's voice.

"I suppose, but I'm too comfortable. You can move your hand a little lower, you know. Mmmmm…"

"You could stay the night if you want to."

"I want to, but…"

"Yeah, but…"

"My first appointment isn't until ten."

"And we have to be up at six so Chantal can get the school bus."

"That would leave me enough time to get ready I suppose."

"I know she would be thrilled to have her new Mother take her to the bus."

"You're tempting me."

"It's purely intentional. I like waking up with you next to me."

"In that case, we'd have to go to bed if you want to wake up next to me."

"You have the best ideas."
 

In the original of this journal I did put down quite a few details of what happened. I edited the details for Darcy, after all we are best buds and living together. Unfortunately for you, the people who are reading this public version of my journal I'll supply only these few details:

1 - We enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.

2 - We kept it down, there were children sleeping.

3 - I didn't quite make it to an orgasm, but it was fun trying.

4 - I'm going to talk to Emma and see if she can relax the one year RLT before she allows my surgery.

That should give you a good idea of how things went.
 

Monday, April 18, 2016

I wonder if my mother ever felt like this getting me ready for the school bus. Naturally, both Chantal and Dawn wanted to eat at the same time. This is not too much of a problem in a two-parent family, and damn I felt like a parent this morning.

For years I thought waking up with a loving husband was an impossible dream. I know he's not my husband. I know we just met and it may not last. I know life isn't fair, but right now I'm happy.

We both walked Chantal to the bus stop, I met some of the other parents and Dawn got lots of attention. I suppose I did, too, but people were polite about the woman Alonzo suddenly was shacking up with.

There's something special about kissing your partner goodbye in the morning, especially after a night of discoveries. I'm one lucky gal.
 

Oh yeah, Darcy did a great snoopy Mom trying to find out where I had been for three nights running. As if she had any doubts!
 

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Dawn's eight month birthday. I know I decided to stop celebrating monthly birthdays, but any excuse to have Alonzo and Chantal over is good enough for me. The only sad part was he had to go home to put Chantal to bed. How can I miss something so much after only three nights?
 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Dawn took me by surprise today. She was just sitting there on her blanket, playing with a toy or two and making those happy baby noises that lull a mother into complacency when suddenly she was on the other side of the room, seemingly without covering the intervening distance.

The kid is just full of surprises.

She had my attention now, and she just sat there with a confused look on her face, like 'how did I get over here?' Like mother, like daughter.

"Did you see that?" Darcy asked with surprise in her voice.

"No, how did she get over there?" I asked.

"Just watch."

Dawn began began bouncing with her legs crossed, once again making happy noises, when suddenly she scooted across the floor again. She looked a little like a frog, hoping on her crossed legs, but she managed to pick up an impressive bit of speed.

"She's going to be a hopper, not a crawler," Darcy declared.

Before I could answer, Dawn let out one of those impossibly high-pitched squeals that babies can generate, bringing conversation to a halt until our ears stopped ringing.

"Whoah! She just broke the sound barrier!"

"Oh boy, time to start some serious baby-proofing, I think."

"There she goes again!"

One of the women in my fostering class told me that Asian babies are prone to moving like that instead of crawling. I have no idea if it's true, but it sure works for Dawn.

Having discovered the ability to move, Dawn was making the most of it. This time she ended up near me and started to intone "Ma-ma-ma-ma."

"That's right, sweetie. I'm your mama."

"Get out the baby book, Hope," ordered Darcy. "Time for another milestone."
 

Friday, April 22, 2016

Chantal's seventh birthday. I had to hurry to make it to the party. I wasn't in love when I booked the day's appointments. In love? Am I really in love? Does it happen this fast? No answers jumped out to give me the key to the knowledge of the universe. No time to contemplate, either. There's a party to attend.

Alonzo warned me. The noise level was considerable and the activity level was somewhere between frenzied and manic. I got a quick hug from Chantal and a more lingering hug and kiss from Alonzo before Chantal and friends tore off to play the games.

Interesting discovery, as the female in an obvious couple, the other parents deferred to me as hostess, even though Alonzo had done all the planning. Gender roles are still sadly fixed despite years of trying. Not that I object to being Mom - I rather like that role.

The pizza wasn't as bad as predicted and I got a kick out of the singing animals, I guess there's some kid left in me. I'm going to have to make home-made pizza for my new family sometime soon, though.

This time Alonzo followed me home. I had several bookings on Saturday and a wedding on Sunday so I couldn't stay at his place. He was free so Chantal got to sleep on the daybed in Dawn's room. You damn well know where Alonzo slept.
 

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Full house for breakfast. I now know what Darcy felt like the morning Rory first stayed over. Did I really give her such a knowing and salacious look?

I guess I did.

Alonzo and Rory did babysitter duty while Darcy and I earned our living, then we spent the late afternoon getting ready for the poker game tonight. I'm hosting and going to introduce Alonzo to the group. He says he can play poker, but we haven't played together yet.

Chantal helped me make pizza for dinner. By the time she helped me knead the dough she was gloriously covered with flour and grinning like a fool. Alonzo was trying mightily not to laugh too hard at the scene while he clicked away.

Damn, we had a good time!

Dawn even joined us, gumming a little bit of pizza. She's starting to show an interest in real food these days. I've started giving her samples of my own dinner, suitably mushed up, of course. Her open mouth tells me she appreciates the gesture.

My baby is growing up!
 

I truly enjoyed the reaction of my poker buddies when they learned my boyfriend would be playing with us. OK, I have a nasty streak. These are the guys, some of whom I grew up with, who pretty much accepted me as Hope without a fuss. Springing a boyfriend on them a few months after springing Hope on them ought to be interesting.

Not to mention adding a new daughter.

Heh-heh!

Alonzo can play poker, he skunked us all. I was only down a buck twenty-three, but he cleaned up with $7.97. Luiz kept getting caught by sucker bets, Alonzo can bluff with the best of them.

I'm going to have to watch my step with that character.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I think I may have shocked Emma with all the changes in my life. She even went to far as to remark about the mature way I've handled the stress. Most of it has been good stress, but stress nevertheless. Not once have I had even a fleeting thought that I have made a mistake in coming out and living life as who I really am.

Naturally, we spent a good bit of time on my becoming sexually active. She gently warned me of the pitfalls and I gently inquired if I had to wait a full year for surgery.

She didn't say no, but she didn't say yes either. She had me schedule the next appointment in two weeks, though.
 

Friday, April 29, 2016

Crabby baby again, her second tooth is coming in. Bless Judy for her idea of the ice fish. It helps, but she still isn't happy.

Mommy isn't happy about the idea of another tooth to poke holes in her hard-earned breasts, either. I suppose I can get Alonzo to kiss it and make it better. He's quite good at that.
 

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Darcy tossed me out for the weekend, telling me to go be a Mommy to that cute little girl. Then she got this grin and ordered me to be a wife to that cute big man. She would take care of the Saturday business and get to spend the weekend alone with Rory and not have to worry about wandering around the house in her underwear. Or maybe without her underwear. Something about how much Rory likes to see her wandering around in her underwear was not so subtly communicated.

Someday I hoped I could do things like that for Alonzo, once the children were grown.

Now just where did those long-term plans come from?
 

Sunday, May 1, 2016

I started the day nervous, despite a satisfying night in bed with Alonzo. This morning was the overseas call to Chantal's mother. Just what do you say to the woman who married the guy you just spent the night canoodling with?

Canoodling? God, that just came out of nowhere, but I know it came from my grandmother. I always thought it was a silly word and laughed when she said it. Of course she didn't really tell me what it meant until I was much older.

So the four of us arranged ourselves in front of the computer and Alonzo typed in whatever he needed to get the video call working. Strange to think we could both talk and see someone halfway around the world. After a couple of minutes there she was. Dressed in a camo-type uniform, hair in a short Afro, and I have to say a pretty good looking woman, I heard her say "hello… hello…"

I think there must be some law that requires saying that when you're getting a video chat to work. Sort of like photographers are supposed to say 'watch the birdie!'

"Hi Mom."

"Hi, princess," came after a short delay. Takes those electrons some time to get back and forth, I guess.

"Hello Amahle. I want you to meet Hope and her daughter Dawn. She's the woman I told you about."

"Hello, Hope. I'm glad to meet you and Chantal's baby sister. I think she's fallen in love with little Dawn."

"Just as we've fallen in love with her. I hope we can become friends as well."

"You were right, Alonzo - this one's a keeper. Just because you and I didn't make it doesn't mean you won't find the right woman this time."

"You've got that right."

"Now wait a minute!" I squeaked.

"Now I've got two mommies." announced Chantal.

"Indeed you do, princess," came Amahle's answer. "You just be sure you take good care of her until I get back. And be nice to your sister."

"I will."

"Amahle, you'll always be Chantal's mother no matter what happens between Alonzo and me. You're part of her family no matter what."

"I appreciate that, really I do. So what have you been doing, princess?"

From that point on we let Chantal and Amahle carry on and we faded into the background.

"Two mommies?" I asked Alonzo

"Of course."

"Good. I wouldn't want Chantal to forget the woman who gave her birth."

Alonzo somehow knows just how to say the right thing at the right time, but I'm too embarrassed to say what he said. Just say he's a very sweet man.
 

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Command performance time today, Mom & Dad invited us to dinner. Meet the family time. I guess I'm getting serious enough about Alonzo to make that something that has to be done.

I needn't have worried, Alonzo is an expert at putting people at ease and he and my Dad got along famously. Watching Chantal and her baby sister - there is no doubt that Chantal considers Dawn to be her sister - provided long stretches of entertainment. Pushing Chantal in the swing-set in the back yard that I played on as a kid was quite a kick.

I still think Dad is bemused by his son who turned into a daughter who turned into a mother, but since I've supplied him with two new grandchildren to spoil I think I have been forgiven.
 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Deep session with Emma today. Just where am I going, how am I coping? How is sex affecting my judgement? Am I prepared for the shit that being the mother of a bi-racial child might bring? Am I prepared to work with Chantal's mother so we all benefit? Is Alonzo prepared for the shit that marrying a transwoman might bring?

Emma made me face the fact that I'm considering marriage. I've kind of slid over that one in the wonder of this new relationship. Not that Alonzo has asked me, but what will I do if he does? Time ran out long before we had any answers, but then it always does. She sees me in two weeks. My life sure has gotten a lot more complicated.
 

Friday, May 20, 2016

Dawn's eight month birthday. Didn't make much of a celebration this time, Alonzo and I have pretty much settled into alternating weekends at each other's places. Learning to live with each other has gone remarkably smoothly. I suppose I had some practice when Darcy came to live with me, but it's not quite the same thing. I'm not interested in having Darcy in bed with me.

I'm starting to think that weekends together may not be enough. We need to talk.
 

Saturday, May 21, 2016

I now have a personal reference for the term 'orgasm.' It took some patience, but Alonzo has patience in abundance. The experience was quite a bit different from my teenage experiments. That's all you need to know and I'm not saying anything more about it.

Well, maybe a connected topic. I know that many transwomen profess to have hated their penis before their transition. I never really hated mine, it seemed more irrelevant than anything else. I was perfectly happy to wave goodbye to my balls, and have never regretted their absence. I'm finding myself looking toward my surgery much more eagerly these days. I want to be a complete woman for my wonderful lover.

Not that what we have is all that bad, but a girl has desires…
 

Sunday, May 22, 2016

I'm frustrated! Darcy was asleep when I finally made it back to the house. Since Rory's car was still in the driveway she may not have been asleep asleep, but her bedroom door was closed.

Alonzo proposed to me tonight! I know, we've hardly known each other for very long at all. I'm not fully a woman yet, we have children to think of, and probably a million other good reasons to make marriage a stupid thing to do.

I accepted.

I've got this sweet little diamond on the right finger of my left hand and I want to show it off!

Darcy is a spoilsport.
 

Monday, May 23, 2016

I waved my hand under Darcy's nose this morning. I took her a second, but her shriek of delight was all I could ask for.

I'm going to be a married lady!
 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Emma got her answer to at least one of the questions from the last session. Yes, I would get married if he asked me.

Before I left the church some of my friends described pre cana to me as the Spanish Inquisition Catholics have to go through to get married. As a lapsed Catholic, I'm told there's no such thing as a former Catholic, they get their hooks into you so early they can't be removed.

I didn't have to jump over that hurdle, but Emma must have been channeling her Inner Catholic in response to my engagement. OK, I'm being over-dramatic, but she did ask some probing questions and I think I'm the better for finding answers.

Then she took me off-guard. Prefacing her remarks by saying she has never done this before, she told me that she no longer has any doubts that I am qualified for surgery and would be sending me the paperwork as soon as it could be processed.

I don't know how many shocks my system can handle in such a short time. The night Alonzo proposed I had very graphic dreams of him on our wedding night, treating me as the woman I was and fucking me silly.

No, I didn't tell that to Emma.

I think I spent some time babbling, the memory isn't all that clear of the few minutes after her surprise. What I do remember is her advising me that the surgeons in Bangkok were very competent and much more affordable than surgeons in the good 'ole USA.

I have some research to do!
 

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Last day of school for both Darcy and Chantal. Between the three of us adults we've decided we should be able to work things out so one of us is available for child care each day. Considering the major expense of my surgery coming up very soon, that savings will come in handy.

Poor Rory, he's the only one of us with a regular 9-5 type job. I think he's a little bit jealous of our flexibility, but then again, the financial stability of a regular job does have its appeal.

The Memorial Day weekend coming up ought to be fun for all of us, even though we are working on Memorial day itself. People will pay for pictures to remember their fun.
 

Friday, May 27, 2016

The doorbell rang and, as I was expecting Alonzo, I threw the door open.

"All right, girlfriend. Just when were you going to tell me all the good news? Some girlfriend you are!"

A frowning Ursula stood at the front door. A sheepish Eric was just behind her making 'it's not my fault gestures behind her back. She may no longer be a cop, but she sure hadn't forgotten how to intimidate a suspect.

"Is that any way to greet a friend, Auntie?" called Darcy from behind me. "She's been a little busy, you know."

"It's been three whole days since you saw the shrink, five days since you got that rock on your finger, and I had to find out from my niece?" And why aren't they over here with you so I can give them a piece of my mind, too?"

"Don't be so generous, Auntie, you haven't got that much to spare at your age."

"You can be replaced, smart mouth. I'll trade you in on Chantal or Dawn if you keep it up."

"Dawn's teething again. You're welcome to her, Ursula."

"Coward! A little blood in the milk gives them some extra nourishment."

"Then you take over. I'll call my endo so you can start on the hormones tomorrow to get your milk flowing."

"Hey Eric! You up to nuzzling a nursing woman again?"

"Leave me out of this! I'm merely a man along as the driver. You women can take care of such things all by yourselves."

"You women?"

"See! I'm only a man. I never can say the right thing. I'm going to play with the baby and you three can have at it. Hey Dawn, come to Uncle Eric and let these people grump at each other. Uncle Eric loves you, doesn't he?"

"See what I've had to put up with for forty-three years?" muttered Ursula.

"Remember, he has to put up with you, Auntie."

"You keep out of this, annoying child."

"I'm sorry, Ursula. Things have been so crazy that…"

"I'm not really mad, I'm excited, but you've messed up the birthday present Eric and I had for you. "

"Huh?"

"We were going to wait for your birthday in August since that's about a month before your RLT was supposed to be up, but you've gone and jumped the gun on us. You know that Eric does a whole lot of flying for his job, right?"

"Sure."

"Well, he has accumulated a whole lot of air miles and we'd like to gift them to you so you can fly to Thailand whenever you make your appointment."

I hate do do stereotypes. The whole woman bawling her eyes out at good news thing offends me on behalf or all the strong and wonderful women in this world.

I bawled my eyes out.

That's when Alonzo and Chantal showed up and wondered just what the heck was going on. I was too busy crying to speak, Ursula was too busy keeping me from collapsing to speak, so Darcy had to tell him what was happening.

Naturally Chantal had no idea what was going on and just saw her new Mommy crying so she grabbed me by the legs in a big hug and told me she loved me.

Which started me crying all the harder.

Dawn, not one to be left out of the fun, joined in the cryfest and Alonzo was soon soothing her while watching helplessly as I tried to get myself under control.

Ain't love grand?
 

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Alonzo and I spent a good part of the day on the computer while Darcy watched the kids. What were we doing? Looking at page after page of places to get gender reassignment surgery in various odd places around the world. Would you believe there's almost a competition among hospitals and surgeons for those of us who need reassignment surgery. Hell, there are even medical vacation packages available: see the sights before you get sliced and diced. Not your typical all-expenses-paid holiday, for sure.

I've been saving for this for as long as I can remember, and the increase in business since I partnered with Darcy has helped quite a lot. With a small loan I will be able to finally make my body right.

Who says dreams don't come true? I was sitting next to my dream-come-true for much of the day and he's relaxing in our bed while I scribble my thoughts down. OK, I'm not using a pencil, I'm a modern gal with a computer so I'm typing, but you know what I mean.

The people who Emma recommended look to be pretty good. A little more expensive than some of the things I saw, but I want someone who knows what he's (or maybe she's ) doing when my very own tender body gets worked on. There's a lot to look at before I make a decision.
 

We took a break in the evening to go to the poker game. Alonzo got razzed about winning last time, but I told them I was the winner because I got Alonzo.

They razzed me, too.

I took them for $3.47. So there!
 

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Alonzo and I took some time to go over our equipment and make our plans for tomorrow. We're going to do our first photo shoot together as a team. One of the local veteran's groups has a big Memorial Day picnic on Monday, so we're both going to document it. The entire family is invited and we will get fed as well as getting paid. Can't beat that. Darcy is going to shoot video as part of her classwork while Alonzo and I do the stills. We even have a simple camera for Chantal so she can join us in our work. Can't start them too young.

Well, maybe you can - I don't think Dawn could hold a camera still yet. Gum it to death and slobber all over it - no problem. The weather report is favorable - I hope the weatherman knows what he's talking about.

Chantal and I went shopping together in the afternoon while Alonzo watched the baby. I had one of those brilliant ideas that you just have to go with, so Chantal and I found matching dresses to wear to the picnic tomorrow. I love being able to wear a sundress without having to worry about my falsies showing, these days my breasts are all mine. I think I've settled on a nicely full C cup. When I wean Dawn I should still be very nicely endowed. Alonzo has no complaints, and neither do I.

We found dresses in a cobalt blue that complemented both our skin tones quite nicely. The sales lady was very helpful in finding us mother and daughter matches, not easy to do for the two of us. She didn't blink an eye when I asked for a dress for my daughter and even had a lollipop somewhere in her stash for Chantal. I can hardly wait until Dawn is old enough so all three of us can go shopping together.
 

Monday, May 30, 2016

Who needs a gym membership to get your exercise when you have a baby? Pumping iron is passe, pumping baby is the new thing. The little chunk just topped twenty pounds. That doesn't sound like much until you have to carry it around on your back while toting ten pounds of diaper bag and almost as much weight in camera gear.

We grow strong women around here.

I really enjoyed helping Chantal choose what she wanted to take pictures of. She's certainly picked up things from her Dad, but this is the first time she's gone on a job with him as part of the crew. It's also the first job for our little family.

It seems everywhere I go since meeting Alonzo I'm confronted with masses of delectable food. I forget how many hundred pounds I'm going to gain, but that picnic must have increased the target tenfold. The little old ladies made just about all the old standbys, the younger ladies - not necessary wives in the modern military - made anything they forgot, including some specialties brought back from the odd places around the world where our military is stationed. I had to give a passing thought to Alonzo's ex, serving somewhere in the Middle East, hoping she was able to celebrate in whatever way was possible over there.

I firmly hope we can be friends, and share the joy of raising her daughter. Beautiful, bright children like Chantal are a treasure to be shared with all humanity. No room for exclusion here.
 

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Spent the day together editing and working on the picnic shots. Blessed Darcy made dinner so we could get everything done and ready to deliver.

As we relaxed at the table after eating, none of us really eager to clean up and wash dishes, Alonzo looked at me.

"Why the serious face?"

"Well, I've been putting something off and I can't really put it off any longer."

"Sounds ominous."

"You could say that. I've met your parents, but you have yet to meet mine."

"That's ominous?"

"You haven't met my parents."

"Oh. Ogres in the family? Skeletons in the closet? Fundamentalists in the fundament?"

"That's a kick-ass way to put it."

"Daddy!"

"Oops, small ears listening. Sorry, princess, you're right. I shouldn't say things like that."

"You always tell me I need to be nice to Grandmother and Grandfather Knight."

"And so you should, princess. Maybe you could take Dawn with you to the playroom and keep her company while Mom and I talk"

"OK Daddy. C'mon Dawn."

I still get a heart flutter watching Chantal holding her sister's hands up so she can walk with her. My little girl is almost ready to walk.

"Note the formal phrasing she used, my parents are formal people."

"So how did you escape?"

"Barely. Bad companions in college, like that black girl I married. That didn't go over well."

"I see. Then I suppose transwomen are not on their list of proper people."

"Got it in one. I think we will keep that factoid to ourselves. None of their business."

"We can try, but the cat might come crawling out of the bag at our wedding. Too many people know who and what I am, I've never tried to hide it."

"And I don't want you to. Let's just keep it to ourselves until we've said 'I do.' Mother's going to be right in there trying to run the wedding, let's not give her any more ammunition."

"We could hire Darcy to do the film. Call it Clash of the Titans. She has yet to reckon with my mother. In any case, I intend for us to run the wedding and no one else."

"I think the best plan is to invite them to dinner. We could use the home team advantage. Show them what a good cook my sweet little helpmate is. That's important to a happy marriage, you know."

"Blech! I'm going to lose that wonderful dinner if you keep that up, buster."

"We need to set a date, so we need a calendar."

"Speaking of setting dates…"

"Yeah, we have another important one. We don't have as much time as I thought before you fly off to Thailand or wherever. I want us safely hitched before that happens."

"You're kidding!"

"Nope. On the practical side, family health insurance will be pretty handy and more affordable - if you can call any health insurance affordable. On the romantic side I want it to be my wife who flies halfway around the world. I wouldn't want you to meet some rich doctor and not come home."

"You're insane! Darcy! Tell this idiot he's insane."

"I think he's romantic."

"But that leaves us maybe six weeks to plan a wedding and my surgery. I need to be recovered before you go back to school in the fall."

"I'll just call my mother and she can have it done by next Saturday. She's good at things like that."

"Oh joy! Another mother who wants to plan my wedding!"

"Mother power - nothing like it if you need to get things done."

How do I get into these things?
 

Realizing that it was still normal business hours in Bangkok at this very moment, I ceased procrastinating and dialed the international jumble of numbers for the hospital that was first on Emma's list. I was relieved when someone answered speaking English. I guess they have a lot of English-speaking patients over there.

I was soon scribbling notes and getting details about just what I had to do and what they required both for the medical and financial end of things. After more than an hour I added a list of available dates and hung up.

I'll purely hate to see my cell phone bill next month.

I really like the transition stories where a fairy grandmother waves her magic wand and poof you're a girl! Seems like a much more reasonable way to handle the whole thing.
 

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Alonzo was off taking pictures of somebody's mansion, Darcy and I were taking pictures of a whole passel of kids from a rich kid's Summer Camp, with Dawn and Chantal along for the ride. The boys postured, the girls cooed over the baby and we did our best to capture something some rich parent would pay big bucks for.

Cynical? Me?

You jest!

During the breaks between groups I called Emma's office to arrange for the paperwork to be sent to the hospital, called the airlines to find out just how much it costs to go to Bangkok, and called the Bank of Mom and Dad to float a loan. I was a few thousand short of what the hospital had quoted. Much less than I had feared and way less when you took out the cost of the trip.

Maybe this will work out after all.

As if I didn't have enough on my plate, Mom told that the adoption should be final in the next two weeks. I had completely forgotten about the adoption in the chaos that had become my life.

Apparently all I have to do is come before the judge, sign some papers and Dawn is officially mine. I have to remember to invite Mary to the proceedings, she deserves to be there. She needs to meet Dawn's new father, too.

Oh yeah, one final home inspection from Social Services.

Just great!
 

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Darcy's mother Janet came over and we tried to rough out some plans for the wedding. My ideas were small, simple, intimate and Alonzo agreed. My mother hadn't yet put in her two cents and I had yet to meet Alonzo's parents. We figured if we had the plans set before we talked to the older generation we might have some hope of getting our way.

One problem was who would perform the ceremony. Of course Alonzo's parents would want it in their church with their pastor. My parents would like it in their church with their priest. I was not too keen on having it in any church. We needed some neutral party - a judge or something.

To our surprise, Janet offered to do the deed, she was a legally ordained minister in the AMM church and had performed seven ceremonies over the years.

AMM, I asked? She laughed. One of those oddball but legal denominations. Their entire theology consists of 'anyone who wants to get married should be able to get married.'

Not bad as theologies go. We took her up on it in a flash. Is there anything that Darcy's family can't do? I can't believe how lucky I was to meet Ursula when Dawn came into my life.

In the middle of this, Darcy came into show us her first take on the wedding invitations. Once again our resident computer genius came through without even being asked.

None of this 'Mr & Mrs Whoosits ask the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter Whatsis to Mr Whoever.' It was 'Alonzo and Hope invite you to hear us say I do!' with a wonderful washed out picture of us with the children behind the text. The font was elegant, the feeling informal and celebratory. We could hardly ask for more.

Cue the beaming smiles on Darcy's mother and aunt.

Now, where to have the festivities? Remember the restaurant where my milk first came in while I was taking pictures? They loved my work and told me to call if I ever needed a place for a fancy party. I'm going to take them up on that if their function room is available.

Which brought us back to the date. Several of the surgery dates were at the end of July, so we decided on July 16 for the wedding, giving us a comfortable margin afterwards.

Taking the bull by the horns, I picked up my phone and Alonzo picked up his, ready to shock our respective parents.

This was going to be fun.
 

For my part, it was one of the few times in my life I heard my mother the lawyer lose control. She started screaming "Dominic! Get down here! Our daughter's getting married!"

"Mom, he already knows I'm getting married. I got engaged, didn't I?"

"But now we know when! We have to get a dress. And Flowers. And call Father Henry. And get…"

"Slow down, Mom. All you have to do is get to the place and cry happy tears when I walk down the aisle with Dad. You do have some waterproof makeup, I suppose."

"Why you ungrateful child," she laughed. "Here I get the chance to marry off the daughter I never thought I would have and you have the nerve to want to do all the planning! I don't care if you can nurse that little angel, there's still too much man left in you."

"That's being taken care of just after the ceremony."

Cool! Not only did I get her excited, I got her speechless. All in one phone call. Of course I couldn't just impart the basic information and sign off, we talked about all the things that needed to be done. As she was starting to wind down, Alonzo came back with a rueful grin and making the universal sign for 'crazy' with his finger describing circles about his temple. I guessed his call had not gone as well as mine.

"Listen Mom, I've got to go. Alonzo needs me."

"I should certainly hope he does if he's crazy enough to marry you."

"He has to be crazy to fit in with this zoo I'm running."

"Please don't tell me you've acquired a Bengal tiger or a gorilla now. There are limits to my tolerance."

"Now wouldn't it be dramatic if I walked down the aisle with a pretty orange tiger? No, that won't work. Nobody would notice me."

"Unless the tiger decided to eat you. Go child, my heart can't take any more of this conversation."
 

"So how fares the prodigal son?"

"I haven't been condemned to hell, but since you started out a Catholic, purgatory is a distinct possibility. Not that my god-fearing parents believe in such Papist nonsense as purgatory."

"That well, huh?"

"I hope you don't mind that I portrayed you as an agnostic. I try not to wave the red flag of the Papacy in front of Dad even if you've removed yourself from the scene. Some things would be too hard to swallow in one gulp along with their son suddenly getting married somewhere besides in their church. I'm not sure they will consider the ceremony legal unless Jesus Himself comes by to take part."

"I'm not the only cynic in this zoo. I wonder what your mother will think of the tiger I'm going to have walk down the aisle with me?"

"What!?"

"Bad joke. Mother was worried we would add something outrageous to the zoo we currently curate. I thought a tiger would be dramatic."

"Chantal would probably want to take it home with her."

"Do you have a source for Tiger Chow?

"I do."

"I do… Hmmm - I kind of like those words."

"So do I."

"Silly. So when do I get to meet your parents?"

"Tomorrow for dinner.

"You bastard!"

"Now love, we have to do it sometime. Think of it this way, that means less time for you to worry."

"Less time hell! I'm booked all day until five tomorrow. When will I have time to cook?"

"The crock pot?'

"Somebody's got the crock part right."

"Relax, I cleared it with Darcy. Chantal is with me tomorrow and Darcy will take care of Dawn and finish the food. That's why we have a big family, right?"

"Just for that I'm going to call Darcy your co-wife when your parents are listening."

"I don't think that's what most of those stories you read mean when they talk about a two bride ceremony."

"Are you impugning my taste in reading?"

"Heaven forbid! You ought to write our story, I bet it would be a best seller."

"You do realize that the authors give their stories away because there just aren't enough trans people out there to support a paying market. They can write about living the life but not making a living."

"Mea culpa!"

"Hey - I'm the lapsed Catholic here."

"See! Just one more way I demonstrate my infinite tolerance and flexibility."

"Just be glad I will soon have a use for your balls attached where they currently reside before you have any more bright ideas. Tomorrow, he says!"

So now you know just why I decided to turn my journal into a story.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Pillow talk.

Some evening conversations are more interesting than others. Take tonight, for instance.

"Now really, Alonzo, your parents weren't anywhere near as bad as you made me think."

"You didn't have to live with them once Dad saw the light."

"Now really, I didn't smell even a hint of brimstone. Chantal doesn't seem to think they're so bad, either."

"Grandchildren get spoiled, children don't have that luxury."

"My, you're contrary tonight."

I know, I get that way when I have to deal with my parents."

"Actually, your mother had some very good suggestions for a small wedding, although every time I think about it there's someone else we just have to invite. I just found out my New York grandparents are planning to come."

"I suspect both sets of mine will be there."

"And then there's Amahle's folks and Dawn's grandmother Mary and the poker boys and…

"And the sisters and cousins and aunts. That's it! We could have the wedding on the HMS Pinafore!"

"Only if you want the bride puking at the ceremony. I get seasick."

"We may have to rent the hockey arena before we're done."

"Too much ice. Maybe a soccer pitch?"

"Then we had best 'make a little list' and stick to it. Could we get Gilbert & Sullivan to provide the music?"

"It would involve a court order to exhume them and I doubt they'd be too lively even after we dug them up."

"You're getting gruesome. We need some practical plans."

"We have to make some plans for after the wedding, too."

"Like who moves when and where. You did notice how I made sure Mom and Dad knew I was still living in my apartment and not with you. Some subjects aren't fit dinner conversation."

"Well, you are still living in your own apartment, even if we trade sleeping spaces. Poor Chantal couldn't figure out why we put her on the couch when she got sleepy instead of in her own bedroom with Dawn."

"At least she's still young enough not to know why we did that."

"It won't be much longer, though."

"My lease is up at the end of July, so that's one deadline."

"So you and Chantal need to move in here, of course. We wouldn't all fit into your apartment."

"I didn't want to be the one to suggest it, but it certainly makes sense. You have much more room, and with no rent to pay on a second place we have more for your surgery."

"And we can think about expanding the studio if we need more room for our professional lives. Once we're set up you wouldn't have to worry about renting space for special projects."

"We did pretty well working together for the picnic. I certainly enjoy working with you, but let's put off those decisions until we figure out how well we live with each other. I learned the first time around that living together is quite a challenge. I don't want to flub it again."

"Think you could get out of the last month of your lease. You could move in tomorrow and we could start to find out how it would work."

"Impetuous little thing, aren't you?"

"I miss having you in bed with me."

"Think how much easier planning the wedding will be if we don't have to keep traveling between houses."

"I assume Darcy is part of the deal?"

"Of course. We're a family. A weird family, but a family."

"Good. She's a really good kid."

"Not so much a kid any more. The tentative high school girl who didn't know what to do with her life is no longer with us. She filled the holes that were holding me back with her computer expertise and I seem to have unlocked her creativity. Symbiosis in action."

"I love you, you crazy woman."

"And I love you, you crazy man."

"And we better get to sleep or we're just asking Dawn to decide she's hungry in the middle of the night."

"Crazy, but wise. Good night, lover."
 

A Side Note:

It occurs to me after talking about who we were inviting to the wedding that I have given short shrift to the friends I made through Alonzo. I certainly don't want to give anyone the impression we abandoned everyone he knew when we got together, but since this journal is about my journey as a transwoman his friends sort of got lost in the shuffle. We just didn't tell too many people about my previous life.

We made an effort to let Chantal have time with her friends from school and her old neighborhood. Fortunately our places were only a mile or two apart, but with our busy life that distance was daunting. Likewise, Alonzo had his own cadre of friends and we spent time with them whenever possible.

As anyone who moves from being single to being married can attest, you lose touch with single friends as your life begins to revolve around your family. Our sudden shift to a large family only made the change more evident.

So feel free to fill in with some backyard picnics, trips to the park and such family oriented things to supplement the gaps in my recollections. There were plenty of summer days when we arrived home tired but happy from spending time with friends from both of our past lives.
 

Monday, June 6, 2016

I did it. Made the call, transferred the deposit and I will have my surgery done on July 25. It hardly seems real after all this time.

Alonzo took us all out to dinner to celebrate.
 

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

You know what's crazy? It was easier to book my reassignment surgery than to book my flight.

Make that our flights. Ursula came over to help with the air miles stuff, but Janet came with her. I was informed that there was no way I was flying to Thailand all by my lonesome, so Darcy was going to accompany me. With the two of them I kind of just said 'yes, mother' a lot and let them bulldoze me.

Not that I resisted all that hard. The buggers had already worked it out with Alonzo for taking care of the kids while we're gone.

Then it was 'this flight goes there but you can't use air miles on it' and 'you can use the air miles but there isn't a seat for Darcy' and 'we appreciate your business but we're going to give you the runaround just because we can do it.' I swear Ursula got into cop mode a dozen times to browbeat bureaucrats into submission.

We get on a plane July 22 at godawful in the morning, fly for hours and hours, wait in an airport for hours and hours, fly for more hours and hours and have some poor sap who probably doesn't speak English pour us into a hotel room near the hospital.

At least I hope it's near the hospital. If we can recover from the 14 hour time zone change fast enough we might get to see a pagoda or two before I get to count backwards for the anesthesiologist.

I hope they speak English there, I can't count in Thai, forwards or backwards.

Then I get to recover for a couple of weeks and fly back home. If I feel good enough I may even get to be a tourist.

Here's hoping.

If all goes as planned we'll be back in time for my birthday in August.

I'm psyched! It finally seems real.
 

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Moving day. I'll say one thing for Alonzo, when he makes up his mind he just does it. I got to meet his best man Dean. Rory, Alonzo, and a couple of my poker buddies (now our poker buddies) came over, we rented a U-haul and began schlepping stuff around. Some of my furniture went to the Goodwill and his took its place, we found room for another dresser in our bedroom and a lot of stuff from my place and his is at the Goodwill as well. I had a lot of stuff living in a big place all by myself. Choices had to be made!

The closet became much more tightly packed with all of our clothes in there. Good thing I haven't been presenting as a woman all that long, I haven't had time to fill the closet completely.

Yet. I'm working on it, though. Maybe a closet expansion before a studio extension?

Dawn's big sister got quite the workout keeping the baby out of the way. Dawn is enthusiastically climbing on everything climbable these days. If she isn't climbing she's scooting around and if she isn't scooting she's threatening to start walking.

Alonzo assures me I'll live through this stage, after all he and Chantal did, but I have my doubts.

It was sweet to kiss Alonzo goodnight and know he didn't have to go home, he was already there.
 

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Mom called, asking if she should have both Alonzo and me on the adoption paperwork. I hadn't thought of that, but I gave Alonzo a quick call and he was very pleased that my mother had thought of him. Of course he wanted to adopt. Back to Mom and she will get things finalized. The final home inspection should be on Friday.

I wonder if a formal adoption for Chantal is in order? She already has a mother who keeps in touch with her, so I wouldn't want to come between them. An idea for later on, too much going on right now to think about it.

Thursday night we all cleaned like busy beavers. Of course, Dawn will undo all that in only minutes, but that's life.
 

Friday, June 10, 2016

Roweena came back for the inspection. I think she was taken aback by the changes. No longer a single mother and a month old baby, now a happy, boisterous family of five. We didn't tell her that most weekends it's six with Rory there - TMI.

Darcy met her at the door since I was finishing up a sitting. Alonzo had postponed an appointment until the afternoon to be there and Chantal was dressed in her finest with beaded pigtails clacking every time she moved her head.

I joined them partway through the house tour after finishing up and was able to get Dawn awake to greet our company. After a few minutes of shy, Dawn frog hopped her way over to Roweena and climbed up her legs babbling away. The kid knows how to make friends.

Check off another box in on the way to our future as official parents. I just hope the case is before Judge Mika, I'd love to have him see just how Dawn has grown and meet her new family.

This proud mother knows no bounds to showing off her family.
 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

I'm a failure as a transgendered bride. I know I'm supposed to go bananas over finding the perfect dress and the perfect shoes and the perfect…

Yes, I wear skirts maybe eighty percent of the time just because I can. I like jewellery and accessories and sometimes go for out-and-out bling. I can even appreciate wearing a bra regularly on rare occasions I remember my past life, but dammit, I'm a working mother with two little girls to take care of. My man helps with the cooking and housework and such, but I just can't get excited about spending a fortune on a dress I'm going to wear once and then hide in a closet somewhere.

So drum me out of the corps, I'm going for something simple, probably white, reasonably low cut (I got 'em and intend to flaunt 'em) and no more than a couple of hundred bucks.

My mother was shocked. After whining about really being a girl all those years here I am waffling about a chance to go all-out feminine.

Life it strange.

So we go dress shopping tomorrow evening. Actually, I've gotten into the mother-and-daughter dress thing with Chantal. Dawn's too little yet, but I love going out with her matching my dress, and screw the looks some people give us. She's my daughter and I love her! Which makes me wonder how my mother would react if I proposed mother-daughter-and-grandmother dresses. I seldom see my mother in a dress or skirt. I'll have to save that idea for after the wedding. I don't want to put the poor woman in a tizzy.

Frankly, my first thought was to search the second-hand stores for a gown. When I first started dressing up my wardrobe came from Goodwill and the Salvation Army. Those first selections were in atrocious taste, but with a little experience and a lot of looking at the Internet and fashion magazines I actually found some very nice stuff.

Nah - that will never do for my mother. Now I wonder if I can con her into paying? That would be sweet - my mother actually buying something feminine for me. She's stood by me all the way, even though with a bit of skepticism, but she's seldom buys me anything girly.

What could be more girly than a wedding dress?
 

Thursday, June 16, 2016

I've got a dress, and yes - mother sprung for it. Also the underwear. She wanted to help dressing me up, so now she's seen my uncovered and baby-chewed breasts.

Snigger!

I did detect one little sigh - perhaps a note of regret for her lost son? - but I'm sure she had a good time dressing her daughter. I don't remember dreaming of having my mother doing this for me, but I certainly had some 'dressing the bride' dreams. I kind of lost it and gave her a big hug in only my lingerie once she had adjusted my bra straps. It's so good to feel like her daughter.

We did find something simple, white and reasonably low cut. Missed out on the cheap part, though. Thanks, Mom! I'm sure Alonzo will appreciate your efforts.
 

June 20, 2016

Dawn is ten months old today. She's mobile, climbing, walking if you hold her hands up, handling toys more dexterously, starting to actively play with her sister and the rest of us. She's eating almost as much real food as nursing. Since I have started to consciously wean her in anticipation of my surgery, she sometimes gets a bit torqued at not having 24/7 access to Mommy.

She's sleeping six hours or more at night pretty consistently, and so am I. That sure does make it easier to go through the day without drifting off if something immediate isn't happening.

She's at the stage where when she encounters something new she looks at it and you can practically see the wheels whirling around in her head as she tries to figure out what's going on. She'll sit there for however long it takes and suddenly move - often just to lose her balance and flop over. Most times she gets right back up, but she can still let the entire county know when she's displeased.

I love that little girl so much!
 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Adoption day. Mom said we didn't all have to troop down to the courthouse to make it official, but it just seemed right that we make a big deal of our daughter being officially and legally part of our family. We did get to see Judge Mika and he played the part of Doting Uncle as much as Stern Judge. We included Mary in the celebration.

Afterwards went out for ice cream. You wouldn't believe how messy the child was after being let loose with her own dish of the stuff. She's had it before, but still scrunches her face up when the first cold bite hits her mouth. Alonzo insisted on chocolate sauce, so he got to clean her up after the damage was done. She obviously loves chocolate - I just hope she doesn't expect chocolate milk from me!
 

Monday, June 27, 2016

Final dress fitting. There is something magical to see a bride when I look in the mirror. Alonzo will be sporting a dove gray tux and looks very handsome.

Funny how I just hated having to put on a monkey suit as a boy. Disgusting things! Vile! Mom and Dad were puzzled as to why I felt that way since I couldn't figure out how to tell them I was really a girl.

So why does Alonzo look so handsome and masculine?

Good thing he's not transgendered, at least from my point of view.
 

Monday, July 4, 2016

With all the bustle for the wedding and having to actually work to earn a living I haven't written diddly squat in ages. The kids are snuggled in bed after enjoying the fireworks, even Dawn. I was a bit worried that the banging and flashing might upset her. Chantal was flying about a thousand feet above the light show she was so excited.

I've started reducing the prolactin in order to wean Dawn before I leave. She's been gradually cutting back naturally as she learns to eat regular food, but I am going to miss nursing.

Less than two weeks to the wedding! It's really going to happen. I'm psyched.
 

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

We got the wedding license today. Clerk looked askance at the Male checkbox under my sex but these days they know better than to make an issue of it. Sadly, I'm still legally male for about another month. Alonzo had the paperwork from his divorce ready and all they did was click some computer keys and take our money.

Things are getting very real, now!
 

Thursday, July 14, 2016

The rehearsal party went off nicely, even though we had to hold it a day early since the room was booked on the Friday before the wedding. Both sets of parents met for the first time and peace reigned. Those from my side of the aisle had strict instructions not to burden Alonzo's folks with anything approaching gender or LGBTQ.

Cowardly? Maybe.

Practical? Most assuredly!

I'd be surprised if they make it through the wedding without finding out, but with any luck Alonzo and I will be off on our too-short honeymoon. I refuse to feel guilty with sticking our friends and family with the resulting contretemps.

Our phones will be turned off and stashed deep in our luggage for the weekend. We aren't fools, no way, no how!

We decided to pass on the traditional stag and hen parties. At our age and being dedicated to family life, drunken revels and lewd jokes just don't have the appeal they once did.
 

Saturday, July 16, 2016

You can probably figure out I'm not actually writing this on the date above, but I'll try to hit the highlights: now that we're back home:

The entire wedding party made it there on time, the invited guests were there on time, the ceremony was brief but moving. We wrote our own vows.

Chantal pushed Dawn down the aisle in her stroller while she tossed rose petals about, grinning madly. The sisters had matching lilac dresses and they stood with us while we said I do.

Dawn had something emphatic to say as well, but we weren't going to leave her out.

I don't think I've mentioned Darcy was my maid-of-honor yet. Who else would I pick? We matched Rory with a girl I knew from college. She got a real kick out of being an attendant to the guy she used to know, now that he wasn't a guy any more. She didn't spill the beans, either.

My friends at the restaurant went all-out for us. You could hardly move without tripping on a photographer, amateur or pro. This included Chantal and her little digital.

There was a tense moment at the reception when Weird Uncle Burt cornered Alonzo's parents. You never know with Weird Uncle Burt but he had been warned not to tell any off-color jokes at our wedding. For a miracle, he wasn't the one that mentioned my trans status.

We ate our wedding cake like civilized people, none of this stuffing frosting into the other's mouth.

Dawn abandoned any pretense at civilization while eating her cake. This time I got to clean her up and change her.

The kids were wilting by the time Darcy and Rory packed them up. We made our exit along with them. As we left we saw my poker buddy Chad in conversation with Alonzo's parents. Either he didn't get the message or he had enough champagne not to remember. He's the one who let the cat out of the bag.

At that point we didn't give a damn!
 

The Honeymoon:

You don't really think I'm going to tell you about that, do you?
 

Monday, July 18

"Oh boy am I glad you're back!" Darcy greeted us.

"And we love you, too."

"Mommy! Daddy!"

Lots of hugs.

"Hey Alonzo - the Jesus Freaks are freaking out."

"I rather figured. The phone was brimming with messages when I turned it back on this morning. Warnings from my sister, demands from my Dad, lots of pithy bible verses. Even a couple from their preacher. I didn't think the guy knew how to text. How many times have Mom and Dad called?"

"I stopped counting. They didn't believe me when I told them you were actually on your honeymoon."

"Probably because the don't figure I'm really married."

"They were incensed that you didn't answer your phone, so they called the studio line."

"Which shows fundamentalists may be crazy but they aren't dumb."

"A shame they weren't dumb in the sense of deaf-and… So what are you going to do?"

"Face the music. I guess I'll have to go over there and give them a dose of reality."

We'll have to go over there. We got hitched, remember? Teamwork all the way!"

"I knew I married a brave woman."

"We all have our cross to bear."

"Oooh - you're bad!"

"First things first. This weaning business still isn't over yet. I feel like a cow with a broken milking machine."

"When you're done, you need to change your clothes."

"You can't mean Sunday-go-to-meeting clothes, can you?"

"I'm thinking more casual-go-to-the-devil clothes. That pretty yellow sundress that's cut down to your navel? That one kind of lets the world know you're all woman. Might distract the old man while we're at it."

"You're bad!"

"It distracts me, a consequence of the evolution he doesn't believe in."

"They know I'm breastfeeding, for cryin' out loud!"

"Knowing and seeing are two different things. Don’t forget some glitzy sandals to show off you pretty toes and those long dangly blue earrings that sort of spin around like a sun-catcher."

"You're developing a fashion sense. I'm proud of you!"

"And I'm proud of you. If they don't like it then they can go to the hell they keep preaching about."
 

Once again I will resort to the highlights, you really don't want to slog through the details, believe me. It was pretty much a recap of the tripe that made me a lapsed Catholic.
 

* Love the sinner, hate the sin.

* Ignore all the rest of Deuteronomy except that one lousy verse about what clothes to wear.

* Lots of verses about proper behavior. Dad must have the entire bible indexed in his head.

* Mother was suitably demure and supportive, just like it says in the bible. Heaven help us if she had something to say for herself.

* What about grandchildren? (They ignored the fact we already have two of them.)

* How could you do this to us?
 

At least there weren't threats of excommunication. Do fundamentalists even have excommunication or is that just for Catholics? Darned if I know. Or care.

We parted without any minds being changed, but there will be a lot of years ahead of us to work things out.
 

When we got home we opened the wedding presents. We have thoughtful friends who really thought about things we would actually like and use. The kicker was the humongous check from Mom and Dad. How many people get to finish financing their reconstructive surgery with their wedding present? I couldn't help but think of the stark differences between Alonzo's parents and mine.

I'm one lucky girl!
 

Friday,July 22, 2016

Damn the TSA and Homeland Security. The buggers won't let you say goodbye at the airplane any more.

Cue the emotional scene as Darcy and I head for the security check. Damn the fucked up medical establishment in the good 'ole USA that makes me fly around the world to be able to afford surgery.

OK, I'm over it.

A likely story.
 

 

That was the next twenty plus hours stuck in a metal tube hurtling through the air so high that the land looks like miniature Lego villages.

Boring!

I repeat: Boring!

I came loaded with several JD Robb mysteries that I hadn't had time to read. This turned out to be a good choice because her detective Eve Dallas can't quite grasp why people have to change time zones when the get farther and farther away from New York City. She's convinced it be so much easier if everybody used the same time. She's a great detective but a lousy astronomer. As I was in the process of having my personal clock inverted, I could see her point.

You wouldn't believe how grungy you feel after a day in an airplane. At least Bangkok hotels have lots of hot water and fluffy towels.
 

Monday, July 25, 2016

Once again I'm going to do the bullet point thing. With the wedding there was so much going on I probably couldn't remember half of it. With the surgery I simply don't want to remember most of it.
 

* Yes, they do have lots of people who speak English there.

* Yes, the doctors are every bit as good as any I've encountered at home.

* Yes, it hurt. What did you expect?

* Yes, I got bored once the worst of the pain was over.

* Yes, once the catheter was removed peeing with my new configuration was interesting. Half of the world's population will understand because they've always peed like that. The other half will never understand because point-and-shoot didn't just get invented for camera fanatics.

* Yes, the medical dildo looked too damn big to fit in there.

* No, I'm not going to make any comparisons to my husband, thank you.

* I don't remember any stories that mentioned that pooping wasn't a unalloyed joy after surgery.
 

Eventually they let me out of the hospital and eventually I could walk again. Not far and not fast, but I almost always made it to the bathroom on time.

When I didn't it was embarrassing.

I did get to see a little bit of Bangkok before I left. Darcy loved the place and I thought it would be worth it to come back some day when I was feeling normal.
 

Friday, August 19, 2016

Exhausted, grubby, jet lagged but home. Everyone was at the airport to greet us. Dawn toddled over to me with a smile; she had started walking while I was gone and I missed it. Video of her second time on her own two feet just doesn't cut it, but it's what I've got.
 

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Dawn's first birthday. Quite a party, but Darcy and I were still jet-lagged. I spent as much time as she would let me hugging her and Chantal. I spent as much time as I could hugging Alonzo when I wasn't hugging the kids.
 

Sunday, August 21, 2016

My twenty-seventh birthday. Or maybe Hope's first birthday. No matter how you slice it it's a day to celebrate. How did I ever find a baby with a birthday only one day off of mine? I'd say the Lord works in mysterious ways but I don't want to tempt fate by getting religious. The kids don't object at all to having birthday cake two days in a row.
 

We tried to give my new body a test drive, but I'm not healed enough yet. I do have some help with the dilation, though.

Lucky me!
 

I had been dreading this birthday for some time, but the sky didn't fall. Before I got married this would have been the day I aged out of my parents' health insurance plan and I would have had to start paying my own way. The good news it that isn't going to happen now. The bad news is that it did happen anyway when we got married and we're already paying those outrageous premiums.

No way I can go without health insurance, though. I support too many doctors these days.
 

Friday, September 23, 2016

Exactly one year ago today I became an instant mother and my life changed drastically. While I feel bad for Dawn's bio-mother, I'll always be grateful to her for giving me a daughter to love and cherish. We are a loving family and life is on the upswing.

I'll close this journal with one observation. I was healed enough to have Alonzo fuck me silly.

So there!