There was a heated discussion after our cross-country practice last Saturday and I was guilty of opening my mouth. Sarai said that the girls were deserving more respect as runners. I said, “People respect you but the simple truth is you’re our fastest girl and I’m our third fastest guy and I’m faster than you.”

“That does it, Gary. I challenge you to compete against me at our own Raiders’ Invitational on Monday.”

‘I’m usually running over half of a half-minute faster,’ so to me it’s a no-brainer challenge.

I asked, “I agree so what’s our bet? I thought you’re smarter than that. Is there a catch I’m not seeing?”

Sarai says, “There’s no catch. I’m just fairly sure if you think someone is going to beat you’ll get tense and wear down sooner. And I need the incentive to improve my time. If I win you dress as a girl for a week and again come homecoming week you’ll be my girlfriend and go to the dance with me as well as the football game.”

“And when I win,” I confidently say, “What is my prize?”

She says, “I will date you each weekend from now through homecoming and I’ll even be your practice partner. That is better than the slower group you usually run with.”

I said, “How’s that fair to me?”

She steps closer to me, “One, senior girls don’t usually date junior boys.” She steps even closer and whispers, “Two, this will help you break the ice. It is my understanding that you’ve been so afraid of getting rejected that you still haven’t gone on a date. Win or lose you go on a date.”

“You’re on unless Coach Higgins stops us.” I whispered back, “And my sister Katie’s dead for telling you that.”

Sarai’s friend Neely says. “That’s unlikely, Coach Higgins has made no secret of the fact he thinks you should be doing better… If it provides an incentive for me to better my time; the team is a double winner.”

Showering after practice the needling begins. Matt and Chuck, our two faster runners, start jabbing about other meets that I lost placements from someone overtaking me.

Once we’re home, I get into an argument with my sister Kathleen (Katie). “How dare you tell your friend Sarai that I haven’t gone on a date? You even know it’s not true.”

“I didn’t tell her; it’s a small enough school for someone to figure that out. And your so-called date experience was Aubrie dancing with you last winter. If I heard right it was she who asked you for the dance.”

“Well, I was embarrassed afterward when everyone applauded.”

Mom thought an argument or fight was about to start and spoke up. “So what’s this; you ask a girl to the next dance and then this is all over with.”

Katie offers up, “His dance card is filled with Sarai Duvall; win or lose their bet on Monday.”

Mom asked about the bet and laughed. “You better make sure you win or figure where the additional wardrobe is coming from.” She snickered and then asked, “You are faster than she aren’t you?”

I say, “Mom, it’s a no-brainer, I’m at least a half-minute faster than her best time. She just hoping her being a year ahead of me in school will somehow unnerve me.”

Mom says, “She may be a year ahead in school, but she’s not a full year older. I went to the OB doctor for a second time around the time when Janis Duvall was ready to give birth to her. My getting pregnant with you so soon after Katie was born was your father’s mistake.”

Katie and I both yelled “TMI” and left the room.

Eating spaghetti as usual before a meet didn’t sit as well as usual. It was a half-hour after I went to bed that I got up and took an antacid pill. I slept okay after that but didn’t feel fully rested in the morning.

I was okay the next day; my only problem was the acidy taste rising in my throat. I had a good practice, but Monday a poster greeted me at my locker showing me in a running skirt.

Coach Higgins called both Sarai and me into his office and commented. “I wished you two would call off this bet. Gary even if she’s only ten seconds behind you; it will be a moral victory for her. And if you both tense up and slow down we lose twice if runners place ahead of you two.”

Sarai apologized, “Sorry Coach, but most of the school knows about it. I don’t think we can undo it.”

When I entered school I was blocked by several girls. I didn’t realize they measured my waist nor from my waist to my knees before I knew what was happening. There were more pictures of me in a running skirt and somehow a princess tiara ended up inside of my locker.

Before the Invitation Meet, runners from seven other schools arrived. It became evident that their runners were hearing of our bet. There were several things I could have used as an excuse: such as a group of five girls who got in front of me at the beginning of the race. I could have said I slid on a wet part of the course. But the truth was around two and a half kilometers Sarai passed me, and I was psyched out. I expected her to push in the last kilometer. When she passed by so strongly I expected her to fall back. She wasn’t doing what I expected. Nearing the end in the last kilometer I started to pick up my speed and while I passed some runners I made only a small dent into Sarai’s lead over me.

Matt Crosby and Chuck finished 1 and 12 respectively, and my run if counted would have solidified our first-place finish as a team.

My legs became heavy over the last hundred meters to pass Sarai was impossible. There are two gates at the end of the race one for girls on the left and the one on the right was for the boys. Sarai had already beat me by ten seconds; when I saw Coach Butler waving to the girls’ chute.

She was either joking or waving to a runner a distance away, but I thought she was serious and I ran through it. Sarai was the fastest girl in the meet by over forty seconds. It was a new girl’s school and meet record.

While my time wasn’t terrible. It was a problem in that going through the girls’ chute my time did not count for the guys’ score. Karen Butler apologized, but I knew the mistake was mine and I had cost our guys’ team. Our third runner for the guys came in thirty-first instead of the nineteenth place I would have had. It dropped our team from first to second in the meet results.

Worse a reporter took a picture of Sarai and me and that would make its way into the regional newspaper as well as the local. Sarai was actually a good sport, not rubbing it in. The truth was she didn’t need to between my being despondent and a host of others taunting me, she would have made no difference.

Chuck Avery our number two runner gave a wraparound skirt to me before long. Tanya Avery apologized saying she didn’t know why her brother wanted it. She and two other girls took me out of sight, behind a maintenance building. They suggested I pull down my running pants while they held the skirt in place. Patricia towel dried my hair and brushed it out. Debbie said, “We don’t mean to embarrass you, but for girls, this has been a long time coming. It isn’t that you did poorly, but that Sarai did exceptionally well to achieve this. We’re thankful you’re being a good sport about it… It might not look it but we’re on your side too.”

Going back out to be with others surprised me as it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Girls from our school and others were good-natured in their comments to me. One got me a refreshment, Cindy Miller from a neighboring school offered me a pullover top. It wasn’t until it was on that I noticed a kitten with a ball of thread off to the bottom.

Finally, my sister Katie and my parents came over to me and consoled me. Katie came over, hugged me, and sympathetically said, “If it’s any consolation you actually ran a good race. This was your best time in three meets…” She later asked, “Did you see that while Sarai was exhausted like you, that she was happy. I hope in the coming week you relax and find a way to enjoy running again.”

Katie walked off and I sensed it was to let me consider what she said. That's the side of Katie I appreciate our brother/sister relationship when it is good. ‘Hmm, I knew she’s right. I’ve been worrying too much and getting uptight.

As many others were leaving Sarai came over to me. I’m sorry for the embarrassment this causes you. Apart from the occasional times, you open your mouth at the wrong times I like being around you. I was wondering if we could meet tomorrow at 7:00 to run the country club course. I really do think you and I can be good for each other.”

I asked, “Do you actually think relaxing can help me as a runner?”

She says, “Relaxing is part of it. I think if you can get back to pushing yourself and enjoy running again. I think you could be challenging Chuck for the second-fastest runner. But you can’t focus on beating him. If you can relax in being my girlfriend, you’ll be well on your way.”

I asked, “You’re set on me going through with this? I was hoping it was just for now and again at homecoming. You’re not expecting me to wear a skirt to school or shorts like yours for practice? Plus we have three more meets before Homecoming.”

Sarai looked at me, to my mother and sister, and then back to me. “I can’t make you, but that was my understanding of the bet.”

“Gary, you’ll have our support to go all the way; we kind of expect otherwise understanding how hard it could be.”

I get indignant, “What do you mean this is what you expect of me?” I set my feet and said, “I’m good with my word. I just didn’t expect to lose nor the whole thing. I wasn’t expecting her to date me if I won. I thought she’d probably be upset and refuse or say I shouldn’t have expected it of her.”

Sarai spoke up, “I’m hoping our running together might help you significantly. I don’t have my heart set on it in case you don’t. …But I am glad to hear you say you’ll do it.”

Katie said, “We better get going, or you’ll learn how the air temp changes as the sun goes down.” I had felt a change and I was getting cold but I was not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing that.

Once we were home, my mother ordered pizza and I went to shower. I put my cross country clothes into the laundry. I was getting enough calls and texts that it took me twenty minutes to get into the shower.

Katie finally knocked on the bathroom door to say the pizza would be here in five minutes. She was amused that it took me so long to get in the shower. She suggested that I use her conditioner on my hair.

The fact that we use a joint bathroom is usually upsetting to her; and usually, I dare not touch any of her things such as her conditioner. The fact that she suggested it along with using her shower body wash was unusual.

I didn’t think anything of it as I used them both. When I dried off and my hair stayed full and the fragrance of the body wash and conditioner stayed with me. “Sis how do I get rid of the fragrance?”

“You don’t, you enjoy it,” she said. “It’s not that strong. It will be minimal by morning, you won’t even notice it.”

It was 9:00 in the evening when the doorbell rang and I checked to see who was at the door. It was Sarai with two of her friends Patti and Mandi carrying two bags. We hope it’s not too late to stop in. But we thought we’d bring a selection of clothes that we think will fit you..”

Mandi lifts a pastel blue skirt with straps, “I think this one might be good for the first skirt you wear. I heard one of the boys was going to pull it down to embarrass you in your panties.”

I was ready to say, ‘He wouldn’t get a chance, because I wouldn’t wear a skirt. But I don’t like the idea of the boys turning on me.’ “I should say, no way; but I won’t have them intimidating me. Is Chuck one of the guys, who said that?”

Mandi says, “I may have said too much already. I don’t want you or them in trouble, especially if they back off and don’t do it.”

“That settles it. Give me the skirt and I’ll try it on,” I tell her.

Sarai says, “Wait until you agree to the blouse and underwear.”

I can see Katie smile, “You girls might slow down and limit it to just the blouse.”

Sarai agrees, “Well if he can’t handle it; just the blouse will be okay.”

Trying to act tough, I say, “If I try the bra, I don’t know how to adjust the straps like you girls.”

Mom speaks up at this point, “What if I or Katie help you once you have your panty and skirt on?”

I like the fall satin print blouse that everyone agrees goes well with the skirt. The bra and panty are a pastel peach, Patti says, “They’re slightly used but clean, and should fit nice and snug on you.”

I go to my room, now being invaded with girl clothing. I hesitate as this step is not easy. I take off my clothes and put on the panty. I don’t know the difference between satin and nylon, good or cheap girl material. But these feel nice sliding up my legs and as Patti said snuggly fitting around my bottom. I soon have the blue skirt and I’m ready to struggle to bring the straps over my shoulder. I remember I need my sister’s help.

“Katie, I’m ready for your help with the bra. But don’t you dare laugh or make fun of me.” I hear the door from the bathroom open and Katie comes in. She lifts the bra saying, “Look this is where you lengthen or shorten the straps.” She calls it an ‘s’ hook, and is already lengthening the straps, “Patti’s upper frame is shorter than yours.”

She hands me the bra, saying, “It is easiest to turn it around and hook it and then turning it the right way around, then putting your arms through the straps.”

“I thought all you girls have a knack of doing things behind your backs.”

Katie said, “Try it and choose which way you’re going to do it.” Needless to say, I tried putting my arms through the straps and hooking them behind my back. It took some effort and I ended up hooking the second set of eyes with the hooks.

It felt like an achievement and Katie lightly applauded with her fingers. Those outside my room heard the applause and asked what happened. Katie tells me the straps are tight and would cut into my shoulders as they are. I need to watch in the mirror to see how she adjusted them and showed me how she measured the fit with two fingers under the straps.

She puts a small pad in each cup that she called a cutlet. Each gave a subtle look of a breast.

“Katie, I don’t need those,”

She only looked at me and said, “They’re not much but they go with the experience.”

She suggested I wear one of her camisoles to soften the appearance of the bra. With that on, I then put on the blouse. Both the cami and the blouse were cool and caressing as they touch my skin.

Once the cami and blouse are on correctly, Katie helped me bring the straps of the skirt over my shoulders and fastened in front. Katie said aloud, “We’re done.”

In one second there was a knock and my door began to open. “Wonderful,” yapped Patti! “Very nice,” said Mom. Mandi and Sarai both asked, “Are you comfortable? You look nice.”

I responded, “If you cared about my comfort; I wouldn’t even be dressing like this.”

Sarai acted offended, and responded, “Not true.”

Katie came to her defense, “Gary, you’re hurt I get that, but Sarai cares about you. Look to the extent she is going to help you. Yes, you and she made a crazy bet. You lost and she won, but can’t you see she likes you?”

I said, “This is a crazy way to show it?”

“She wants to help train you by the way you run and to grow up,” Mandi says.

I reply, “Well, I’m not a dog and I don’t train very well.”

Sarai begins to cry and sat on the edge of my bed. “No, this isn’t being said correctly. No, you’re not a dog and I’m not wanting to train you that way… Hasn’t your mother or sister ever said, ‘they love you but!’”

I try to comfort Sarai, “You’re not my mom nor my sister; you’re an upperclassman. Why would you care about me?”

Sarai says, “As crazy as it sounds, I just do. I’ve cared about you since junior high, but you always have to act silly and say things that hurt. Like the other day when we made this bet.”

I flop down on the bed next to her. Mom gets after me, “No, you don’t flop down like that especially when you’re wearing a skirt.” My hands swatted down the skirt as it flew up.

“You like me, but you’re a senior?”

Sarai says, “You say that like it’s an ugly thing.”

I say, “Unexpected, not ugly; and you with me it’s unbelievable.”

Sarai says, “Ever since last year, when you began to tense up as a runner. I felt hurt for you because I was like that. Bev Spires was the one who helped to reach me… Yes, I’m a senior, but I’m not even a year older than you. Despite you being a class clown, you’re sensitive as well as attractive. You tell others and I’ll deny I’ve ever said these nice things.”

Mom broke things up, I’m sorry to break into this but it’s now 10:00 and I believe there’s both homework and sleep before tomorrow.

Mandi, Pat, and Sarai quickly showed three more outfits and left. Mom saw them out and then came back to my room.

Mom said, “You can either change out of that now or wait until you’re finished your reading for tomorrow.”

I got on my computer and read for two classes for tomorrow. My mom folded and hung up the clothes that were loaned to me. She commented as she did so. “You know I like the name Caryn that Sarai suggested. Do you mind if I use it when you’re wearing these clothes? I can imagine you in the skater dress and this one is reasonably long; it would be either to your knees or just above them. What do you think of it?”

I wasn’t listening so she asked me the same question again. “Mom, don’t think of me in any dress. The one I have on I agreed was okay, and I’d probably say the same about that, but don’t go asking me to picture myself in one or how I like it.”

Mom was soon done and left my room. It was hard to concentrate on my studies. It took twice as long…

Story to be continued...

I set my alarm for 6:00 a.m., but my sister was in waking me up fifteen minutes earlier. “I’m going to let you wear my old sweats, from now on they’re yours. You need to get up and get going.” She reminded me of Sarai’s invite to run with her in the morning. The practice after a meet was usually light. Today, doing it when many others wouldn’t be around was preferred.

I saw Mandi and another from the girls’ team set out running, leaving Sarai waiting alone. We did warmups as Sarai suggested; they took longer and were more elaborate than I usually did. “Now smile Caryn and as we run please talk with me. It makes the practice go faster.” We were in danger of catching up to the other girls when Sarai veered off running a different route. Despite a longer incline near the seventh hole, it went fast. Nearing the end of the run she stopped. “That was a very good run the day after a meet and I feel great.”

I joked, “It’s probably the high from running a record pace yesterday.”

She blurted out, “That’s bull, I should be stiff and sore; I think it was from our running together… You ran a good pace yesterday, aren’t you usually sore and stiff today?”

It was true, it usually took a second day to get back up to speed. She said, “Go home, shower, and I’ll see you in school.”

I was dumbfounded, ‘no reminder of what I was to wear or that I was hers for the next two weeks.’ I did go home and showered again and ran through the routine that I did last night. The strapped skirt and blouse looked good except for them being on me.

Once at school, I was called to the office and the principal challenged the way I was dressed, saying that it was a distraction to other students and an embarrassment to the School. I don’t do well to being lambasted as he did, and I refused to go home and change as he demanded. Even if I did so, he had not ruled out more punishment.

This was anticipated by my mother. She had written a note to the school and given her phone number if it was not worked out. I didn’t get to see the note, nor hear all of Principal Collins’s conversation with my mother.

I felt like I was on a short leash doing something I didn’t like. The next days included the expected teasing, but from the third class that day it wasn’t all that bad. Third period Ashley passed me a folded up note and when I asked who I was to pass it to? She said it was for me.

I unfolded the note and put it in a textbook we were studying from. The part that spoke to me was, “You’ve been the subject of such notes, now you’re on our side. Enjoy it !” You’ve shown courage in the hard part. We girls are not only happy Sarai won, but that you did not go whimpering off as most boys would. We’re here for you as well.”

I knew who Ashley was, but she was another well-liked senior. I was impressed that she thought enough to compliment and encourage me. I put it away in my fanny pack as a keepsake.

By the next morning, Two boys seriously ask what I was getting to do. It reduced part of the sarcasm and helped me to relax. “I’m sorry you can’t know how neat this is, but you wouldn’t understand.”

I ventured into Katie’s room to talk to her without my parents listening in. “Katie can I talk to you, and you not laugh or tell mom and dad?”

Katie closed down the programs on her computer and turned to me. “Is this what has caused you to be quiet since we’ve been home? Did something bad happen”

I hadn’t realized I had been, “I guess, but it isn’t bad. Crazy maybe.” Katie and Ashley are friends though not close. “I got a note passed to me like I was one of the girls; it was from Ashley Nolan. And it got me to thinking that maybe I should get into this experience and have some fun with it.” Katie smiles and sits up, “So?”

“I was thinking, maybe I could buy a girl’s running skirt with shorts and maybe even wear it for the cross-country meet this Saturday. What do you think?”

She says, “I think it goes with what’s happening and your bold in-your-face attitude. I would suggest you ask your coach beforehand, so you don’t get suspended from the team… If you’re running with Sarai in the morning; I could give you a ride someplace to find and buy a running skirt and outfit.”

Katie was almost too agreeable and it caused me to wonder. I asked, “I have grandma’s gift money, I wonder if Mom would agree it would be okay to use it for that?”

Katie said, “Grandma’s a free spirit, she might actually agree to it quicker than Mom and Dad.”

I said, “Concerning the Coach, I was thinking of telling him instead of asking. If he doesn’t like the idea, he can override my decision and tell me so.”

I called my friend Brad and shared the idea with him. He laughed his head off, but like my Sis, he said it was me.

I finished a report and set it to print off, and then went to talk with my parents.

“Mom and Dad can I have your attention, I have something I want to share with you.” Dad was watching the news, but he turned off the TV, and Mom put down her book. “Before Saturday’s cross-county meet I was thinking of buying a girl’s running skirt and wearing it for the meet.”

Dad laughs, “That’s my boy, he loses a bet and the next thing you know, he wants to be an all-American girl.” He turns to Mom.

Mom says, “That’s funny, but it’s you. What did Coach Higgins say?”

“I’ll find out tomorrow. …I expect he’ll say I still need to wear the guys’ team shirt if not the shorts as well. Katie’s willing to take me after school to find something. I’m planning on using Grandma’s gift money.”

Mom says, “If you don’t pull this off in good Gary style, it could backfire and make you look… Well, well it wouldn’t be favorable. Plus you and your sister should look for a casual dress and a skirt outfit if this continues.”

Katie had come down behind me, “Caryn also needs more panties and another bra. I’m not giving up any more of my stuff. Or we can get me some clothes and I’ll give up some more of mine to her.”

Mom says, “I think there’s a good chance Coach Higgins is going to throw a bucket of cold water on your idea. We know Principal Collins won’t like it but he’ll probably back down if you get your Coach to agree to it before the principal knows.”

Katie says, “Mom, now we know where Gary gets his mischievous spirit from.”

Mom says, “Maybe, but I’m really for girl empowerment. Whoever got Caryn thinking this way, I’m behind her. It is Sarai isn’t it?”

Katie says, “Guess again Mom, this was Ashley Nolan.”

I did not yet understand how women could continue talking about something they already decided.

The next morning after my running with Sarai; having told Sarai about getting a running skirt for Saturday’s meet. I was soon back home to shower and get ready for today. I began to get nervous and was having second thoughts. I wasn’t even sure about following through on the bet.

Having showered and eaten, I put on the skater dress. It was pretty and looked nice in how it sat on me. But wearing a dress and especially one with the hem above my knees and the way it kissed my legs. Well, things were unsettling.

Today, Katie let me drive the car to school. She was amused as she sat and watched my skirted legs as we rode to school. “You know brother that you have nice-looking legs. One can better see the muscle tone when you’re wearing a skirt as opposed to slacks.”

I laughed as I knew she was trying to get a reaction out of me. Then I thought, ‘I better set my attitude or the guys are going to eat me up with their teasing. We met Ashley as we crossed the school parking lot. She said, “You look tough in that dress. I hope your head is on tight or the other boys will get to you.”

Ashley heard my heels click on the pavement, “That’s better, you sound like a girl with an attitude.” Walking next to me she squeezed my hand then she said, “I’m going this way but if you need me, I’ll be there for you.” With that, she headed off.

Katie and I both saw her boyfriend waiting for her. Katie says, “I hope you got the message; she a friend not a girlfriend.” It was no secret that the quarterback was her boyfriend.

After I got to my locker, I had another problem. Things shifted and fell out of it onto the hall floor. Bending as carefully as I could and with my bare legs pointing toward the lockers, I began picking things up. I sorted what I needed for morning classes and what needed to go back into the locker.

Brad came by and threw away somethings I should have discarded before. He gave me a hand as I stood up. He joked, “You did that fairly well for someone new to being a girl.” Joking some more, he says, “You might want to check your lipstick before you get to class.”

My lipstick was light and looked much like my regular lips. Sarai came from the senior section. Before she talked to me, she asked Brad, “Has he been telling you how she’s been running in practice. She’s staying relaxed and I think it will show in her running time come Saturday.”

Brad said, “Will she remember she’s running as a boy and which gate to go through?” All three of us found it funny, but I barely laughed. “Did she share the idea of getting a running skirt?”

That reminded Sarai and me that I better talk to Coach Luke Higgins. Like I had said, I informed Coach Luke Higgins that I planned to run wearing a running skirt. He looked at me, shook his head, and nodded. “Okay, but you better get the bright blue one like Brenda Leih. And if you wear it, you better not be joking around or showing yourself.”

I said, thanks, and assured him I wouldn’t. It would be tomorrow when I would tell the Principal after I had the skirt. I wasn’t broadcasting what I planned, partly in case I backed out.

It was my first day of feminine studies and I found it informative. Ms. Jacobi asked at the end of the class what I thought of it? I said, “It seems to me that it is mostly a matter of perspective. It gives a way of thinking that I… I don’t think many guys think of it. I can’t say, I would think of it if I wasn’t having this experience.”

Ms. Jacobi said, “You know, you can stay in this class after the homecoming weekend is over?”

“That’s an interesting idea, but will I get credit for a full semester?” She assured me it would be worked out. Since it was a junior/senior class; I wasn’t surprised Sarai soon heard how I did. It wasn’t much, but the big thing to me as I didn’t embarrass myself.

I sat with Brenda and Layla from the cross-country team for lunch. It continued to amuse me how things have changed in just three days. Layla asked me, “What boy do you think would be good to date?”

I was pretty sure she meant me, but I wasn’t going there. I said, “I think Tanner would be a neat guy for you.”

She quickly said, “I meant for you, Caryn; plus Tanner’s no one special.”

I said, “As a guy, I think he’s as attractive as most, he’s a good guy and would treat you well. Myself, I have a date for Homecoming.”

Brenda turned the lunch discussion to what we were going to wear for homecoming. She suggested I needed to talk with Sarai and coordinate our dresses, hair, and makeup.”

I was in the school library when Sarai also came in. “Hi Caryn, I was wondering if we could talk about Homecoming. It’s more complicated with you being a girl.” We didn’t get anything decided more than we needed to get together; maybe after the meet.

Once again, getting into the conversation got more complicated. Brenda shows us what she hoped to get and asks my opinion even about her bra. She saw my expression and says she was just trying to involve me, treating me as a girlfriend.

“Brenda, I dress this way because I lost the bet. I’m not expecting to get into the girl thing. I do appreciate being able to eat with you.”

She says, “Well you’re listening in to our conversation. It gets kind of personal, so it’s like you’re one of us… You’re going to be one of us going to Homecoming. Did you know someone nominated you to be one of the junior princess candidates?”

“WHAT!”

Layla says, “Relax, some of the girls did it as a compliment to how you’re behaving. You run with Sarai, wear some girl clothes, and have become a friend to more of us. Honestly tell me you aren’t happy to be with Sarai?”

I take a deep breath, count to five slowly in my head, and looking at their faces I remember they’re friends not the enemy. “Sorry. Thanks for letting me into your world.”

Getting up with the blue skirt of the dress, I am conscious of being in girl mode. I see a classmate Stuart watching me and the girls. His eyes had been on my legs. I said, “Eat your heart out Stu. And no, you can’t date me.”

I was called to the office and was read the riot act for not telling Principal Collins about my plan to run in a skirt. It wasn’t like I was to be the only one, but I was the only boy. Since I held my cool and that Coach Higgins had already given his approval; I was okay. Collins had tried to scare me enough to change my mind.

I found Katie at the end of school and given the choice of going home to freshen up or to go shopping directly. ‘I hadn’t realized shopping was an event in itself that some girls including my sister would change and freshen up for.’

We went to a sporting goods store where I was less likely to be seen by my classmates. While we were in the car, Katie did have me freshen my makeup and lipstick. She even put a light coating of a smokey eyeshadow above my eyes. I smiled once I looked into the mirror as it did takeaway more of the boy look.

A man tried to help us, but Katie would have none of that. Monica became our saleswoman and she knew the colors for the Madden Raiders and even the running skirt that the girls used. Katie discretely shared who I was, and Monica was amused that the size 10 skirt was too big for me. Once I came out to show Katie; Monica made sure that I could bend and be in all the running and stretching positions I would need.

Monica gave Caryn a first-time customer discount. I also got some running socks and at Katie’s insistence a sport’s bra. Katie even snuck in a pair of girl pajamas from my favorite team. While I needed to buy the running skirt, our parents sent along with Katie money for the rest.

On the way home I got a message from Sarai. “Congratulations on the ‘princess’ nomination. You and your sister are invited to my house for a pasta dinner it’s a pre-meet gathering of the girls.”

The pasta dinner wasn’t until seven so we did make it home to change. I changed to another of Katie’s outfits and she helped me change my hair to a ponytail and encouraged me to wear my sports bra. That we did it all in thirty minutes surprised me.

I didn’t expect the other girls to notice I was wearing a bra, but they were pleased to see that I did. The girls were happy and amused that I planned to wear a running skirt during the meet. Sarai and Layla also remarked that I looked much more relaxed than earlier in the week.

Where the guys traditionally pigged out on spaghetti, while the girls had a variety of plates of pasta and sauces. They ate more than usual, there was conversation as they sat around a large table. Mrs. Duvall complimented me for being part of the conversation.

She did ask me to meet with her and Sarai before I left for home. I waited until Katie indicated it was time to go home. Sarai with her mother took me to her room. “I want to ask if it would be okay if you wore this for me during tomorrow’s meet?” It was a small delicate cross and chain. I turned around and she put it on me. She said, “I asked God to bless you in the race tomorrow.”

Before we left the room, Katie had come in and seen the cross necklace. “You’ve had a good week since Monday. I think that something delicate is fitting.” The others had left the room before Sarai kissed me. “I want you to know, I truly do care about you.” I had to pause and wipe a tear and let my eyes clear before we left.

Saturday I woke bright and early. While our meet wasn’t until 10:00 a.m., we had over an hour’s bus ride to get there. I arrived at the bus wearing my regular traveling sweats. My skirted shorts would not be observed until we were there and getting ready to run.

Several did observe that I was wearing one of Sarai’s necklaces. I was also questioned by Chuck Avery and others if I had been training properly? I simply stated the practices were good and the proof would be in my running. Chuck retorted, “I hope the runners behind you don’t cause you to freeze up again. And above all things don’t run through the wrong finish line...”

To be continued...

It was the next meet, and when we runners were first called to the starting areas, I got down to my running kit of a skirt and shorts with my regular jersey. Eyes quickly turning my way. Along with many gasping or pointing me out to others. Even the other teams seemed to know about my recent running flop. Chas from South Brunswick was the loudest in hazing me, “So it’s true, you’ve become one of them.” Several girls cheered for me, and that got the attention of others.

Once all were ready, the starter’s gun marked the beginning of the race, and Sarai and I were running fairly well over the first two legs and I felt energized going into the third leg of the race. I lost track of others as I was into my long stride. The last time that I heard meant I was thirty seconds better than my best time. If I made a mistake it was speeding up too much before I caught up to Chuck. Chuck, hearing my name, kicked it up, and while I got closer and finished 10th, Chuck finished 9th. I had shaved off a minute from my best previous time.

Sarai bested the rest of the girls and finished 17th overall. She and I walked some more before we began to relax with others. She was happy for me and we gave one another a big hug. Several of the male runners came by congratulated me and joked they would need to try wearing a skirt. Coach Higgins came by congratulated me on how I ran. “I was pretty sure you had it in you to do better.

“Sarai, I thank you for your part in Caryn’s success. I hope she will continue this even after Homecoming.”

It was the first time three runners from our school finished in the top ten and the first time four runners finished in the top 20 of a race.

The truth was, I pushed myself and I was hurting as we rode back on the bus. Sarai, tired of my moans, called me up to where she was sitting with most of the girl runners. She had a lotion that she began working into my calves and thighs. “You a pretty lucky girl that you didn’t hurt yourself or worse and pulled a ligament.”

I had fallen asleep and we were five minutes away from the school when I notice Tanya Avery and Sarai had started painting my toenails. I could have wrecked their work by hiding my feet in my running shoes, but I didn’t.

Instead of using the showers; I was soon met by my sister. “I heard how well you did, congratulations!” Katie smiled, even more, when she saw my toes, “Is that your victory prize?”

We waited until Sarai was back out and we gave her a ride home. I sat in the back of the car as I had not showered. Katie asked, “Were you wanting to show off your bra to the guys?”

I forgot it was on, and told Katie that others hadn’t noticed it. Sarai spoke up disagreeing. “Most of our girls and many other girls noticed. They thought it was part of his renegade image. I’d be surprised if none of the guys recognized you’re wearing one.”

Sarai turned to Katie, “I think he needs to keep it up while Caryn’s on this hot streak. He did his best running to date.”

I said to Katie, “It’s a sports bra, nothing special.”

Katie spoke, “It’s a bra, pure and simple. And you’ve done well running in it, you might as well keep it up.”

Sarai asked as she was getting ready to get out at her home, “Are you taking me out to a movie or something tonight.” Puzzled, I look at her, and she said, “I’m taking you to homecoming as my date. It’s the least you can do Caryn.”

I smiled as this would be my first date and it was to be with Sarai. Wow! “How about I pick you up at 6:30 if I can use our car. We can get something to eat and see the second showing tonight. You get the choice of movies.” Since Katie didn’t say anything, I considered the car a done deal.

Sarai was quick to her house and we began moving again. “Smooth going, Caryn. Now we need to get home, you cleaned up and see what you have to wear.”

I retorted, “Call me Gary!”

“It’s Caryn who has the date and who's getting prettied up for Sarai.” I was fairly quiet the rest of the way home. I did sing a song along with Katie.

Once through the door, Katie boomed out, “Mom, Caryn has a date tonight with Sarai!” Mom wanted to know what I was using for money. She expected me to ask for money.

“I have money saved, and I want to pay for my date. No one’s going to claim my date with Sarai is anything but mine. And if I’m going to dress like Caryn, I want to buy something I like.”

I took a quick shower, using Katie’s body wash. I found one of Katie’s casual skirt and top outfits on my bed. I pulled out a panty and bra. As I was putting on the bra, I noticed my flesh in the chest area was beginning to shape like the bras I was wearing.

Mom took me to Deb’s Clothiers the next town over; I thought I was safe going there. I didn’t make it to the middle of the store before someone said, “Caryn is that you? It is nice to see you here, I hope you’re the one shopping.” I soon saw Denise Dobbins from school. It ends up Deb of Deb’s Clothiers is her mother.

Mrs. Dobbins soon greeted us. “Will it be alight if Denise helps you? She is pretty knowledgeable and knows fashion for your age group.”

I agreed as Denise is a friend from school. We’re not terribly close but have been in the same classes since fourth grade. I say, “So this is why you always look fashionable at school… I don’t want anything terribly girly, but something nice as Sarai and I are going to get something to eat and then go to a movie tonight.”

Denise says, “Thanks for the compliment about looking nice… So are you wanting a slender dress or a nice skirt-sweater combination?”

“I’m not sure, whatever, I might look reasonably good in?”

She says, “With your thin running frame and delicate facial features you don’t have to worry. There are some colors and styles that will go well with you. I would encourage you to wear a nice necklace similar to the one Sarai had shared with you.”

I hadn’t noticed where Denise was leading me until we stopped in the middle of a selection of dresses. She said, “Why don’t we find three dresses that you’d be comfortable trying on, and then we’ll look for skirt outfits.”

My eyes were drawn to a coral pink dress, but the boy in me was saying no way. It wasn’t until Denise pulled it out and she said, “Your eyes have come back to this one at least three times. Would it be okay?” We also selected a burgundy skater dress with half-sleeves and finally a red-gold A-line dress. We selected two full-skirts with two sweater tops and two blouses.

While I liked the coral pink dress, even I knew, it was too nice for a casual dinner and going to the movies. Denise said, “You might want to suggest coming here to Sarai and looking at this as a homecoming possibility.” I liked the idea and would keep it in mind.

It came down to the gray skirt and a sweater top and the burgundy skater dress. The dress was casual and I thought it was attractive. Though I didn’t want to admit it I thought I was attractive in it and that for some reason mattered to me.

When we were checking out, I included a simple necklace; Denise gave me a free pair of nylons since I was a new customer. She wished me a good time on the date. “You won’t need to worry about what you’re wearing. I think you chose well. …A good number of us girls are very proud of the way you followed through and accepted things. Even a fair percentage of the guys have more respect for you. I know my boyfriend does.”

I asked her if Hayden said anything in particular? “First thing he said, he was proud that you got a date with Sarai. How girls are now your friends and bringing you out of your shell.”

I asked him, “What he thought about you as a guy? He told me there was no doubt about you being a guy. It was more about you being shy and a geek of sorts.”

My mom finally stopped our conversation saying, “We need to make another stop and then get home.”

When mom pulled into the jewelers, I turned to her, “Mom you can’t be serious?”

Mom said, “We’re getting one set for Gary as a runner making a statement, and another for Caryn because Gary’s ears need to remain open. Caryn should understand that.”

I got more and more nervous as Katie helped me to get ready. Aunt Heidi had come over to style my hair. Against my orders she cut bangs, and using alligator hair clips and setting gels, she gave my hair more curl. My hands were slapped enough that I quit trying to take the hair clips out. Hopefully, Katie was correct that the curls wouldn’t last.

I was at Katie’s vanity and she soon stopped directing me on how to do my makeup. Katie took over as I watched. This time she was using a bit more makeup, making my eyes and lips colorful. I was surprised at how soft and delicate she made my cheeks look. My earrings for Caryn we simple silver spirals. The final step of my preparation was Mom opening a shoebox with two and a half inch pump heels.

I wasn’t going to wear them until I saw how heels made one’s legs take shape. Katie assured me that I would look prettier in 3” of 4” heels even more. But these heels were manageable and more fitting for our outing tonight.

It felt strange to get into the driver’s side of the car with heels and a skirt. My head was playing mind games with me as I drove to Sarai’s house. ‘Was I dressed too nicely; I was sure Mr. Duval wasn’t going to be happy with me looking like a girl. Worst was I thought: what if, she has another boy there, saying, ‘You didn’t seriously think I would go out with a boy dressed as a girl.’

I stopped a block away from her house and called Katie, to run through my thoughts with her. She said, “I’m not surprised you called, what has you nervous?” I ran through with her the different fears running through my head. And she quickly helped me to dismiss them. “They’re your old ghost-like thoughts. Embrace your new self that focuses on being happy and wanting to do better.”

When I got to Sarai's house and went to get her, Mr. Duval did give me his bulldog look before letting it give way to welcoming me. Mrs. Duval on the other hand asked me about the dress and where I got it. It led to more of a conversation than I was wanting. I guess that’s girl talk.

Thankfully, Sarai was soon ready and in a nice skirt outfit. We complemented each other and left. I changed my mind and we went to a restaurant more appropriate for how well we were dressed. Different for me, I ordered chicken fettuccine alfredo with a side salad. Before the dinner came, Sarai said we needed to use the women’s room to clean up. She was amused when I needed to use the toilet.

When I came out to the sink there were two college women with her. One seeing me said, “It’s nice to see you, Boy Caryn. We’re interested in Sarai, our Augustana has a good women’s cross-country. You could be interested as Gary or Caryn.” With that, she turned back to Sarai and her friend.

I said, “If you’re interested in talking to her there are two more chairs at our table.” I looked to Sarai and she was affirming that would be okay for a short time.” I was impressed that she was the one getting attention.

Sarai and I practicing together had ended up being good for the two of us. I ran faster than her this week, but she again posted a record time.

Blair asked Sarai, “Do you have something on Caryn that forced her to dress like this?”

Sarai snickered, “No, while this is more than I expected. We’re doing things at least through Homecoming. He just happens to make a good looking girl.” They spent time talking about their ranking as a women’s cross-country team and their academic studies.

They left as our meals arrived. Once we’ve finished our meal; it was time to leave. Sarai and I changed our minds about a movie and decided to walk the river walk together.

We crossed the bridge to an amusement area; we tossed some rings with me winning a medium prize. I chose a kitten which I wanted to give to Sarai, but she insisted it was mine. A photographer took our picture and gave us a card to go online to select one for purchasing. It was a two for one offer so we would both get a picture.

Finally, Sarai bought us two small cones, with the request that I try taking my time and enjoy it as a girl would. We were walking along, when Sarai stopped, turned to me and we kissed with both of us have little ice cream on our lips. Between the ice cream and our lipstick, it struck me as a beautiful kiss. I was sure everything was quite intentional on Sarai’s part. But I too enjoyed it.

She asked, “What have you enjoyed most about being Caryn so far?”

I had planned to resist such a question, now, however, I paused and thought. “Right now it is dating you! Hmm, being accepted and helped by you is second.” When she smiled and relaxed; I gave her a big kiss and hugged her.

Sarai saw someone glance over and then seemed displeased. She said, “He’s my boyfriend; do you believe that?” Those two people were walking away when I turned to see them.

Sarai said, “That was quite nice; I was nicely surprised that you had the gumption to take the initiative.”

I said, “Ditto here, but I figured I better accept I’m your boyfriend.” Sarai smiled as we continued to walk. I asked, “Should we look for homecoming outfits together? I’ve never thought about this stuff before.”

She asked, “Can you describe the other dress you saw at Deb’s Clothier’s?”

I said, “There’s a coral pink dress that I was ready to buy but it was too nice for tonight. I asked, Denise Dobbins what she thought, and she’s the one who said I should probably coordinate what I wore to homecoming with you.”

“So Denise was there; she has good taste in clothes. If she thought it was possibly good enough we should check it out. Which night were you thinking of that dress for?” I was dazed, thinking I might need two. She added, “You should be dressy for Friday at school and the game, but hopefully be able to stay warm, especially if you’re selected as a princess or to the queen’s court. And then there’s the dance Saturday night. You’re expected not to wear the same dress.”

I winced, “Boy there’s a lot to think of. You don’t think I have to worry about being selected to be the princess or the queen’s court do you?”

“If I’m selected to be the queen and you’re not selected as Princess, I’ll surely have you in my court so we can be close together.” I looked at Sarai and could tell she was serious.

Sarai looked at her smartphone, “They’re wanting us to meet with dates before we call it a night.” That would be Mandy and Brian, Ashley and Toby, and Debbie but I wasn’t sure who she’d be with. Dressed as Caryn, I’m leery about other guys and twice so about surprises. Brian and Toby are regular guys; Brian’s both good in academics and sports. Toby excels in basketball and studies hard to stay eligible to get in college.

Toby comes over to me, “Gary, I think you’ve gone overboard with keeping the promise. You look like you’re one of them.” He brushes the skirt of my dress, “Woo, way overboard.”

I joke, “Does that mean you might or won’t ask me for a date?” Toby laughs and Brian and the others get visiting one another. Debbie arrives and Jack is someone we don’t know. The other guys are amused that I’m able to join in with the girls’ conversations. It is around 11:30 when we call it a night and each couple goes their own way.

When we get to Sarai’s house, there is another car parked in the driveway. Sarai springs to attention, “Great Rachel’s home you need to come in a meet her if she’s up.” I don’t know Rachel as she’s two years older than Sarai and was a senior when I was a freshman.

I’m in the house and Rachel’s up, she comes over smiling. She goes to lift the skirt of my dress, “Can I check and see if you’ve gone all the way and worn panties?” She had observed by the time I could respond. She gives me a hug, “Greetings, and thanks. Sarai’s ended up with too many that I thought were ‘dick-heads.’ Sarai and I have talked about getting a guy in skirts. It’s taken college parties and drinking to get a guy to let go of his inhibitions to relax to do it.”

I used the need to get home to call it a night. Sarai did excuse her sister so we could kiss. After that, she said, “Either clean your lips off or freshen your lipstick before you get out of your car and go into your house.”

Sunday morning I slept until 8:00 when I heard Katie getting ready for something. “Hey Katie, what are you doing?”

“I’m going to church, I told Ashley Nolan, I would go with her.”

I asked, “Do you think she’d mind if Caryn was with the two of you?”

“What gives that you want to do that as Caryn,” she asks?

“I don’t know,” I say, “It’s just that things look different from the change of perspective. I was wondering if the church and I as Caryn would cause me to see things differently?”

Katie says, “Hurry up you have less than an hour to be ready.”

I took a quick shower, and it wasn’t difficult to get my hair as I wanted it. The skirt was simple and I put on a light sweater that my sister gave me earlier. When I went to grab breakfast Mom ask, “Hold on what has you up and around as Caryn?”

I needed to explain as Mom thought I was up to something. Mom entrusted me with our parents offering thinking they were staying home. Before I left, she questioned me, “Are you changing into a second daughter?”

“No. Nothing simple like this should make you think that. The truth is you and Kate are a big part of my life and I haven’t thought of how you see things.”

Mom says, “Does this mean when homecoming comes you’re going to a salon to experience that?”

I was saved by Katie telling me she’s ready and we need to go. But going into a church as Caryn was a new experience. One of the greeters greeted me, “Hello, I’m Mrs. Hanson, you must be a friend of Katie’s let me welcome you on behalf of the church…”

I used Caryn’s voice but informed her I was Gary her brother. And when I explained what I was doing; she asked, “Does that mean you’ll be with her in today’s study of Young Women in the Church?”

When I said, “I don’t think so, Kate didn’t say anything about that.” Kate spoke up, “Yes, Ashley and I decided to go together and Caryn came with us. So yes she’s in if that’s okay.”

Mrs. Hanson didn’t miss a step, “Yes, I’m sure that will be okay with Pastor Marsha.
We have extra booklets and scarves.”

Katie turned to me, “I’ll help you pick one of the scarves so we don’t have the same one.”

When the three of us, now with Ashley there; I asked, “Why didn’t you tell me what you were planning to do?”

“You didn’t ask, you just said you want to come to church with us as Caryn. They’ve been announcing this the past three weeks. Weren’t you listening?”

“I tune out when they’re talking girl and women stuff.”

Ashley cuts in, “But today, you are one of us. Your interest is more than you’re acknowledging.” Something registers in my thinking, ‘what I’m doing isn’t normal, but it’s speaking to me and I’m dressed as a girl Caryn.’

My mind is churning as the service begins and flows. I generally tune out when people like Mary, Ruth (today), and others are talked about. But today, ‘I wonder about Ruth leaving her family for Naomi, to go back with her mother-in-law, back to almost nothing. Ruth was probably no more than 6-8 years older than my sister. I didn’t know what gleaning a field was but I couldn’t see my sister doing it.’

Once in the young women’s group, Pastor Marsha mentioned to the high school, college, and young working women, “Don’t be surprised if men don’t listen or understand you. Some might listen for a while, but like in Church, many men will have trouble naming any after Mary. They will expect you to remember their friends, but unless they find one attractive they will have trouble remembering yours.”

The Pastor is interrupted by women telling their experience, they speak and Marsha uses their experiences to keep the discussion on course. We break into groups of 3-4 and I end up in Marsha’s small group. When we are one on one, she mentions, “You’ve been doing this a week now, does any of what we’re talking about sound familiar to your experiences?”

I answered, “The first time I came to youth fellowship and you used girls as examples I tuned you out. The stories often were interesting, but they didn’t relate to me.”

Pastor Marsha said, “Your sister listens to history and guys' ways of thinking and she’s expected to get it.” Katie stood up and stared at me.

I said, “That’s what I meant, I’m seeing things differently.”

A second bell rang, and Pastor Marsha said, “Once again we’ve gone fifteen minutes over. Before I let you go, would you girls permit Caryn to come back next week in girl mode? I think it allows us to hear another dimension of what we’re wrestling with. And hopefully, Gary will get how it relates to him.”

Two girls said yes and the class said yes. Pastor Marsha asked me to wait, but she first talked to the girls.

I guess Mom and Dad had gone to the second service, and they smiled knowing when Katie and Ashley had been and were amused to see me come from the same direction of their class.

Mom and Dad invited us to go out to eat with them, but I wasn’t excited about going out as Caryn. Dad was willing to take me back, but that didn’t quite work either as Katie and Ashley wanted to go shopping afterward, but without Mom…

To be Continued…

Please consider giving support to the Hat Box Fund. Thanx from Jessica C

I went to the restaurant with my family and Ashley, and seemingly not far enough away as others recognized me. There were two people and they couldn’t have been more different if they planned it. Mrs. Harder came over to us and after giving a cold but cordial greeting to my parent she turned her aggression on to me. “Gary, young lady, or whatever you’re pretending to be. I hope you’ll soon get this sinfulness out of your system. I’m not a religious lady, I only know that you disgust me like this… That you’d embarrass your parents and your school running around as a floozy is terrible…”

She tried going on, but I interrupted her, even before my parents reacted. “Mrs. Harder while I can accept that you differ with me. True this started with a silly bet, but I’ve been open about it from the start. I didn’t expect it to go this far, nor did I expect I would like being a girl and taking pride in how I present myself, but I have.”

She cut back in, “I don’t want to be talked back to by a rude young man. Though you’re not much of a man.”

My Mom stood up with my father with her, “Mrs. Harder, this is neither time nor the place for this. Here’s my telephone number, if you’d like to call and talk about this later.” Mrs. Harder looked around and realized she had made a scene that she didn’t expect. She took the slip of paper and left as she and her party were done eating.

The next person was Deb Dobbins of Deb’s Clothiers and she had Mrs. Marcos the owner of the restaurant with her. “I just thought you should know that you present well as a young lady and your composure as you responded to being attacked are to be commended.

Mrs. Marcos, “You know, I usually don’t take sides in the differences of my customers but you need to know you are very welcome here. I will have a gift certificate for your next visit as a young woman.” Mrs. Marcos gives a light giggle, “Young Denise, told me; Deb might just be siding with you because you’re a new customer.”

Ashley asked, “Ms. Dobbins is your store open today. We are hoping to shop, and we’re interested in seeing Caryn’s homecoming dress.”

Deb said, “We’re not, but if you’re serious and Denise will help me we’ll open up for a while. Once we’re open, some others tend to stop in and shop as well.”

Ashley turns to my sister Katie, who was hoping to go shop without me. “Caryn, you’ll need to be buying something as well.”

A third woman stopped as we were finishing up our dinner. “Caryn or Gary which is it? I don’t see any sign that you’re a boy, but I commend you if you are. I also want to thank you. I was afraid dinner was going to be ruined for all of us.”

“I ran track and cross-country way back when girls and their uniforms weren’t given much attention. Dressing a boy up in our minds is nothing new, and if it happened we didn’t expose what we did.”

Katie spoke up, “Wait, you’re not saying you dressed up boys as girls back then.”

The woman made a big smile, “Yep, I’m not saying who, but if you ever get a hold of the 1979 Jordan High Yearbook. If you do look at the boys’ cross-country team think of which boy or boys you think would make pretty girls.” The woman walked out having paid her bill without telling her name or anything more.

Dad went home, but Mom and I rode with Katie and Ashely to Deb’s Clothiers. Even before we were in the store. Deb, Denise, and the older daughter Charice had other customers driving in.

Charice, a college student in retail management, was with us and Deb was giving attention to three women as well as checking the store.

Denise, a first chair violinist at our school had out her violin and was soon playing music. She had changed into a pretty dress and brushed out her hair. She whispered, “Only for you young lady.”

I whispered back, “This is getting to be like a dream.”

Then there was a skirt with a gray sash like top to it that went down on the left side that caught my eye.

Denise said, “See if there’s a size 8 with a lace sash; I think you would look good in it.” I looked and there were two, one in gray and one in dark blue. I was attracted more to the gray one. I didn’t intend to try it on, but I did. My sister Katie liked it and bought a blue one.

Denise walked over to where my coral pink dress was and played a love song whose title I could not remember. Kate and Ashley were soon over there, with Kate lifting the dress in front of me. “Is this the one, Denise? It even goes well with her skin complexion.” Ashley comes over with a powder blue, lace skater dress. She said this would look cute on Saturday night for the dance.”

I tried it on and said, “Maybe I should get this one for the contest, the football game, and the dance. I’m not buying two.”

My Mom says, “That won’t work; the lace dress won’t be enough to protect you from the elements at the football game.”

Mom turned to look at Denise asks, “How much are the two of them?”

I looked at the price tags, $79 for the lace dress, and $89 for the coral pink dress. Denise says, “You’re looking at over $160 with tax and we’ll include alterations. Are you open to adding a little shapewear for your waist and hips? Does she have purses that go with both dresses?”

I was saying, “No to the shapewear…” When Katie interrupted me, saying, “Absolutely, Caryn. Without it, you will at best look like a thin boy in nice dresses.”

Mom says, “If the shapewear adds just enough, we’re not wanting to shout girl if you know what I mean.” Charice had gotten the shapewear piece that Denise mentioned. While I felt it, I had no idea what I was looking for or what to avoid.

Ashley and Katie both felt it and then looked at me; Ashely saying, “I think it would give enough to your hips to give you a more feminine look.”

Katie said, “Think before you try it. You need to try it to make sure you want it, but shapewear like other delicates can’t be put back as new after they are tried on.”

Charice says, “I’m sure enough that you’ll like the difference if you’re serious that I’ll charge you only if you buy it.”

I turned to my mother, “If we get all of this, you can take a hundred dollars out of my savings.”

“This little bet of yours is getting costly,” Mom said.

I ask my mother if I can talk to her alone before we buy anything. We went to an area where no one was very close. “Mom, I want to get all this, but I think I need a counselor to talk with as well as you and dad.”

Mom replies, “If this is hurting you in any way, I’ll put a stop to it right now. You have been a good sport, but don’t let all this hurt you.”

“Mom, it’s not hurting me, I’m a better person. I just think it would be helpful to talk with someone.”

Mom hugs me and says, “Thanks for trusting me. I have access to a counselor through my workplace. She would be a good one to talk with or she’ll be happy to point us in the direction to find someone.”

The shapewear did give me a feminine shape without being too much. When I tried on the dresses over it. They looked so nice that they sent goosebumps up and down my arms. I was sure Katie noticed, but she offered compliments without any teasing.

We decided on getting the lace dress as Sarai had said that I should have a second dress for the dance. With Ashley’s comments, I was fairly sure I’d get the other dress, but that was now up to Sarai and me. Hopefully, we would shop for it soon.

The next morning, running with Sarai goes well as we make practicing a joy as we push one another. Monday and Tuesday at school are quite the same. The one difference is I am back in Mrs. Jacobi’s group of girls. I am, for the most part, to be quiet and let others express their thoughts and feelings. It takes a while for me to figure out what they’re talking about as some are talking about a monthly visitor, others have cramps and bloating. They laugh at my remark, “Why do you girls choose to put up with this thing?” And I felt ignorant as they had to explain it to me.

Tuesday, the Cross-Country team leaves school a half-hour early to get to a neighboring school for our next cross-country meet. I was going to leave off the running bra that I wore the previous meet, when Coach Higgins asked, “Are you going against the tradition that tells you not to change anything when it all comes together.”

After the others got off the team bus, Sarai helped me to quickly change and get on a spare sports bra that another girl gave to me. With only two other schools running; it was not so much about the place but my finishing time. Yet without enough other runners to challenge someone; it was hard to gauge how well I was doing.

Matt today would be strongly challenged by Harvey Bronowski of the host school. Chuck pushed me to slow my start as the starting gun sounded. While it would make little difference in this long of a race, it was annoying. It was interesting to hear Sarai say, “Don’t let him change your running plan.” I realized to get angry at Chuck could easily have caused me to tense up.

I did go into my longer strides earlier; I knew I would do better doing so. Come, the second leg of the meet Chuck and I were running even. It was during the third leg I decided to move ahead; it was now my turn to tease Chuck. “Don’t look now but you might lose to two skirted runners.”

Doing as I expected, Chuck turned on his other side to look for Sarai. As he turned, I stepped up my pace and soon had a gap between us. Between turning and being surprised by my spurt; Chuck stumbles before he regained his stride. Finishing ahead of Chuck in one meet, wouldn’t make me the number two runner, but it would be good for me.

It was Katie saying, “Caryn, Michaels is less than fifteen seconds ahead of you. Good running, enjoy.” She didn’t warn me about who was behind me, she encouraged me. It meant I could focus and try to catch Michaels if I thought I had it in me. Another two hundred feet and I heard Ashley remark about me having good looking legs. The humor was helpful.

Before I was within sight of the finishing line I gave my last kick to beat Michaels. Next, I heard two timers give times, but I couldn’t tell what the difference was or who beat who. I soon learned Harvey lost first to Matt, Jay Saunders for Anvil High finished third. Michaels or I were fourth. While fifth would be great for me, I would so treasure getting fourth. It was Sarai’s friend, Mandi, first, let me know that Michaels and I tied for fourth. She walked with me, helping me to stay up and not cramp up. She smelled very nice while I knew I was grimy and sweaty.

I looked in time to the girls’ finishing line to see Sarai edge out Tracy Burmeister for first among the girls. While I wanted Sarai’s attention, she and Tracy were initially celebrating their record times and their race. It caused me to search out Michaels and to celebrate our finish.

Next, I hunted out Katie and Ashley to thank them for their help in running my race. Chuck congratulated me on my finish, but I wasn’t fully happy with him, nor he with me. He had finished tenth when he and I should have been running for fourth or fifth. I wanted to make a curt remark about him wearing a skirt. But he would think of it as a putdown, I no longer did.

Once home Mom remarked, “The Psychologist Deborah Moore is open to you being one of her clients and you would only have to wait four weeks. But she has another counselor with an MSW Bree Weis and she will see you Friday morning. They’re wanting to make sure things are seen early to ascertain your need to meet with someone. Bree’s been part of their team for seven years and very capable.”

I chatted with Sarai as well as Katie, yet that night. It was no longer a big deal to me to get up early and run with Sarai, and come back, shower dress nicely for school. I liked the stretching exercises I did with Sarai and how I felt.

I guess come Wednesday, I was sitting up straighter, keeping my legs closed when I sat and checked my appearance more often.

It was only when Ms. Bree Weis mentioned it at my appointment, did it come to my attention. I said, “I don’t know where to start or if it is even important since it will be over next week after homecoming.”

Ms. Weis invited me to call her Bree if I wished. She asked me, “How long ago did you start dressing publicly in clothes usually for girls?” I told her about the bet and that I kind of embraced the idea instead of being a bad loser or victim.

“Since you have embraced it, instead of allowing it to become an albatross; what are you wanting help with? It was you that requested to see someone, was it not?”

“Well, I kind of like it, but I know I shouldn’t. And I’ve researched on my own. It is not just wearing clothes. I feel like a girl inside, which would make me transgender, but I don’t want to lose my boy parts. So I can’t be transgender.” I pause, not knowing what else to say.

I look to Ms. Weis, I have tears in my eyes which embarrasses me. Neither of us says anything and I reach to grasp her hand and she let me hold it.

Finally, Bree says, “I’m not saying you’re transgender, but being a trans-girl doesn’t require one losing his genitals. Being transgender can span a broad spectrum of how one sees their self.”

“You mentioned earlier that the problem would only last another week until your homecoming is over. Do you think your feelings of wanting to be a girl will end there?”

I said, “I guess you already know the answer. I don’t know, part of me is hoping.” I stopped and then said, “Plus I got too many nice girl clothes that it would be a shame not to wear them, But what will others think. My parents have been good sports about me doing this, but I don’t think they would like it if I continued as Caryn.”

Bree said, “My understanding is that your Mom is the one you talked to and who helped you set up this appointment. Plus you indicated the clothes were not inexpensive. That shows support. How have they indicated they expect or want this to stop?”

I quietly thought, then Bree asks me about my sister and if I’ve had the support of any friends. She seemed amused that Sarai became a friend and then a girlfriend. She did a good job of not showing it, but I’m sure I was right. ‘She thinks I’m being foolish and this is all in my head.’

Finally, she said as a reflection: “You seem to be doing better through this. I do think there is enough to warrant us to continue having these sessions if you like. I think you are healthier than you’re giving yourself credit for.” The next appointment was scheduled for the following Thursday at 6:00 p.m. She and I agreed I would continue to see her for now.

She did ask me to intentionally dress and be Gary on Sunday and other days if it would help. I went back to school and thankfully had a quiz in one class. It forced me to have my head back in school.

I asked my mom on the way back, and later Sarai, “Did you notice that I was sitting up straighter and doing some things more like your girls?” Sarai mentioned that it started on Wednesday. Along with what I mentioned she mentioned my pulling on my skirt hem when I sat and placing at least one hand in my lap. “You’re pretty good at checking your makeup and doing your lips on the fly as well.”

Today was also the third day in a row that a girl checked if I had any tampons or panty shields. I didn’t know if it was for amusement to see if I had them or they had a serious need. But it amused me as we seemed friends.

That night we went out for dinner as a group and because we had another cross-country meet Saturday, several of us had to be home by 8:00 and were to be to bed by nine.

Mom and I talked once I was ready for bed. She asked, “How did you feel about your appointment? And your day?” I saw my time with her like I’d imagine a mother-daughter time that she’d have with Katie. I was sure she had no idea that I was jealous of Katie for that.

It was easier talking with my mom because of my talk with Ms. Bree. Mom echoed back to me, “Do you think this might continue after homecoming and you’ve fulfilled your agreement with Sarai?”

Mom said something I hadn’t thought about. She said, “You might not want to be wearing a bra as often as you do. It appears your fatty tissue is forming the shape of your bra cups. That would be difficult on times you’re dressed as Gary.”

The revelation was new, but I took it another way. I liked the idea of having small breasts; after all, even going to bed I had on Caryn’s teddy bear pajamas. My dreams about being like girls were not unsettling as Mom and Bree thought. The unsettling thing that night was I had a wet dream, being excited as a girl.

Saturday’s regional meet included running against more and some bigger division schools. The boys and girls would also run separately. Thus, I got to cheer on Sarai and the other girls I knew. While Sarai was near the front of her group of runners, she might not be first as she usually was.

Come the end of their race Sarai was among five girls competing for first. The good news was she beat three of the others, but a girl named Tiffany beat her by a full three seconds. Which to Sarai’s first thought was ‘too much.’ It would take a while for Sarai to realize that Tiffany caused her to beat her own best time by ten seconds.

Before I ran Sarai informed me, “You don’t need to wear that running skirt as it might cause you to lose some time off your run.” She agreed with me that having the running skirt was actually motivating me.

The guys' race was next and as I took off the bottom of my warmup outfit, I again got grief coming from boys from the larger schools. One of the funnier ones to my thinking, “Is your school too small to afford enough uniforms for the boys.” Another guy said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if junior here played right field for their softball team.”

I knew Jacob who said that, so I asked, “If I beat you, will you wear a skirt for your next meet?” Jacob ignored me and we were soon set to run. I was partly betting on the fact he didn’t know my improved times. He was one of the guys who had overtaken me last year near the end of the race.

A couple of other guys encouraged me, “We hear you’re running well now, go and beat that big mouth.”

Like in the girls’ run, I knew there were many faster runners. Coach Higgins got my attention, “Remember to run your race and enjoy!”

This course had a good size hill about a thousand meters into the race. I ran to be in the first group running up the hill. I did not charge it like some. But I kept a good pace going up and had enough breath that I kept my pace. Being in the top twenty at this point didn’t mean much, but we were able to space out and run more freely.

I didn’t know where Jacob Frost was, but I was sure he was a distance behind me. It’s funny the different thoughts that cross one’s mind running a route. This route was longer for the guys, but Sarai and I had been running further in practice on Wednesdays and Thursdays, so I knew I was up to this run.

I wasn’t sure who the lead runner was or if I could see him. We’re on the last leg of the run and I’ve passed three more runners. I saw Matt from the back, I wasn’t going to catch up to him but it helped me to know I was doing well. The person timing me said, number nine, 9, as I crossed the finish. I was exhausted and ready to collapse when Sarai got a hold of me from one side and Brenda was on the other, or I would have fallen. Sarai said, “Great going girl, you’re in the top ten. Matt thought he did great getting fourth. This was a longer and more difficult course.”

She swatted me on the backside, “Aren’t you happy you did so well; especially after the teasing you took?”

“Sarai,” I say, “I don’t have the energy to celebrate.”

“Posh, you have one more meet before homecoming and your times have improved and your joy for running is back.” She was right and I’m enjoying running again that made the difference.

As Gary’s finishing ninth gets around, more runners are congratulating him. One runner came up to him and offered his sister’s running skirt. “My sister said, if you can get Jacob Frost to wear the skirt she’s willing to donate it to the cause.”

I asked, where his sister was, and she, Layla was coming over to me. “I didn’t really offer it to you, but I have this older one that I’m willing to give you. I like your style.” Sarai and Layla started talking. Layla said, “I’m impressed about how you and your boyfriend have done things. Brenda Leih and I are cousins, and she’s kept me update on how he’s doing. Is he going by Caryn for the time being?”

Layla had a marking pen and handed it over to Gary, “Would you please sign as Caryn on the left hip of my skirt?” Tired or not and Sarai there or not, I got a little excited signing ‘Caryn’ on a girl’s hip.

Layla, Sarai, and I were in line for refreshments when Jacob Frost was walking by. “Hey, Jacob! How did it feel being blown away by a boy wearing a skirt? Someone has given me a skirt to offer to you.”

Jacob turned to acknowledge us, “I hear you did really good Gary. I’m embarrassed enough as it is, I’m not wearing a skirt.” A girl with him stopped, “If one of you gives me your number I’ll send a picture of him in a skirt.” Jacob gets stubborn, “It ain’t going to happen!” Jacob hurried away.

Sarai gives me a big hug and kiss, “Wow, I’m proud of you. You capped off a great meet for the two of us. “You and Matt are putting our school on the map. Two of you in the top ten.”

I said, “Neither of us finished in second place like you did.” It was now my turn to give Sarai a big kiss. I thought, ‘This is so different for me.’ I have new confidence having been around Sarai. She has blue grayish eyes that have begun mesmerizing me.

I lost Sarai to several college people wanting to talk with her. I went to congratulate Matt, but he too had college recruiters interested in him as a senior runner. I got close enough to listen that one college recruiter saw me and asked Matt, “How do you like one of your teammates running in a skirt?”

“Since Gary’s taken to running as Caryn, a number of us have taken to improve our running times. I started well in September, but I’ve taken another fifteen seconds off since he’s showed up in his skirt. Sarai, who finished number two for us, is his girlfriend. One can’t complain about results like that. It is funny as Gary does make a believable girl.” With that, I drifted away.

Sunday, as Ms. Bree Weis requested I dressed as Gary. I felt both good and a bit silly. The clothes were Gary’s but my hair and complexion gave hints of Caryn. My Dad was super proud of my finish in the regional cross-country meet. While Kate and Mom were more interested in how I was doing as Gary.

I called my friend Jon asking if he wanted to do anything. It was my voice, but it didn’t stop him from saying, “I have some ideas as long as you out as Gary.” We drove some fifty miles to see a college basketball game. We had seats in the second row across from the benches. It was the second half when a guy came running into the stands after he slapped the ball to stay in bounds. Unfortunately, I was unable to get out of his way, He both kicked my shin and landed on me. I was kind of groggy when he got up. I let people talk me into going to their Med station. That was when both Jon and a nurse-practitioner, Meg Turner, saw the top of my panties.

Jon joked, “You said, it was Gary, not Caryn, who would be with me. I hope you’re ready to be ridiculed again.”

She did want to check both my leg and my torso from being kicked and handed on. She asked, “Caryn as the high school guy running cross-country? It’s nice to meet you… Jackson who landed on you is a solid 190-pound player… Sorry but I am going to ask your friend Jon to step out as I need to give you a more thorough exam. I am going to have Margret to be in with us it is the proper protocol if I’m to be alone with a male patient.” She did take two ex-rays. I don’t see anything, but I will have others better trained to read them and get in touch with you if we find something. You may choose to have your doctor check as well.”

With the exam done and no one else there needing attention, Meg asked, “So when are you done with the girl thing?”

My head went down and we lost eye contact. “Officially it ends with Homecoming and Sarai taking me to Homecoming as Caryn.” Meg echoed, “I hear a but there, don’t I?” I showed Meg a picture of me in the lace dress.

Before I went back to see the last of the game; Meg said, “The practice I’m in has our office just ten miles away from where you live. And I help teach a nursing class at the community college. I would like to talk to you about being part of a class talking about being Caryn.”

We talked and I agreed to talk further, though I thought taking part in such a class could be embarrassing…

Story to be continued…

Gary had gone to see a basketball game with his friend, Jon. Well into the game Gary hurt by a basketball player chasing a ball and him running up into the stands. Gary had helped cushion his fall with his body. No, he had not intended to be a hero nor a cushion.”

Caryn’s identity became known when they insisted he is seen in the arena’s Med Clinic. And now Gary’s returned home worrying if this would interfere with homecoming and cross-country running.

I wanted to cry as we went home from the basketball game; my lower leg had a bruise that should disappear, but my thigh had a good size welt from the guy’s knee ramming into me. My ribs hurt as well. I’d cry, but I’m sure my friend Jon wouldn’t understand. He’s neither a runner nor does he see himself as a girl.

If the two pain pills were working, I’d hate to feel all the pain. Jon jokes with me and that helps to get through the ride home. I did call ahead and asked if we had crutches. Katie’s reply was, “Don’t tell me that was you in the stands that got hurt when Jackson landed on someone in the stands. The sportscaster said it was lucky for Jackson you were there as he didn’t really get hurt… There was no word on your injuries by the time the game ended.”

“Sarai called, asking if you went to the game with Jonathan. As someone said he was near where the person got hurt.”

“I want to know why you girls were watching the basketball game,” I asked?

We were pulling up to the house when Katie said, “When Caryn and I are alone as sisters I will explain it to you.”

Jonathan honks the horn and Dad and Katie were soon out to help me into the house. Jon joked with Katie, “Guess what Dr. Meg saw when she had to examine Gary? It was a remnant of Caryn’s clothes. It served him right he was to fully be Gary today.”

Dad was helping me to the couch, and Jon left after talking to Katie. Katie said, “I hope you got more sympathy from Jon riding home?”

I said, “He jokes with me which helped pass the time.”

Dad said, “Katie, joking is a guy thing you wouldn’t understand.”

Katie was soon on her phone texting Sarai, “It was Gary who got hurt. You might want to come over to our house, he’s home.”
Sarai quickly called, “We’ll soon be there, Ashley’s giving me a ride over.”

Mom had come from the laundry room and was now having me strip to see if she could see anything. She agreed with me that the lower leg bruise was probably nothing. The welt on my thigh more significant and might cause me to miss my next meet. “Mom, that Saturday, I need to run that one.”

“Need to or not, I think you’ll be on the sidelines cheering Sarai and the others.”

Katie says, “Your big problem will be, will it show under the hems of your dresses.”

Mom said, “Katie, that’s not helping. Why don’t you get a pair of your shorts? I’m sure Sarai will want to see how hurt he is; she doesn’t need to see his panties or more as well.”

Mom turns to me, “I thought this was to be Gary’s day, what’s with the panties?”

“Not now Mom! I’m being punished enough.”

The doorbell rings and I yell out for Sarai and Ashley to come in. It was those two plus a much older cousin of Ashley’s, Lisa. She says, “I’m Lisa Camp, I don’t mean to intrude, but I’m a physical therapist/trainer. They urge me to come along.”

Sarai gave me a big hug and a small kiss. The hug was a little uncomfortable, and I guess I grimaced. Everyone asked where that hurt. It was the stretching up to hug her, there were several spots that ached. Lisa smiled, “I think those aches will increase over the day.”

Lisa had been talking to my mother, and I surmise they agreed I could use some personalized therapy. I hobbled to our guest room where she could check me over. I was able to keep on my shorts and panties, but my undershirt and shirt were taken off.

Lisa asked, “Gary, do I understand correctly that you are the improved runner at the high school? You have nice looking legs except for the two bruises. I would guess you don’t want to be out of running any more longer than needed.”

“I don’t want to be out at all. I have a meet Saturday morning; I plan to be in it at full speed. I’m not going to allow a little pain to stop me. No pain, no glory!” I bark out.

Lisa giggled, “That’s the boy in you, but I think you’d do better missing this one. I probably can help you to be back running soon, but not Saturday.”

I barked again, “Despite the shorts and how I look, I am a boy!”

She said, “It wasn’t to offend you or any dispersions about being Caryn. I’m on your side. Your legs are impressive girl or boy; I was talking about their condition. No disrespect, but I’ve seen some pictures Ashley has shown of you, and your legs to look good in a skirt.” It was then that I laughed and Mom and Lisa did as well.

Lisa did ask, “Seeing the tissue on your chest, I need to ask if you’re taking any hormone or other medication for that?”

Mom chimes in, “No she hasn’t, I mean him. He’s been wearing a bra much of the time and it has been over two weeks. Hopefully, they will disappear once this bet and homecoming is done.”

Lisa looks at my mom and me. I get the feeling she knows that I like this and things may not soon go back to the old normal. Finally, with her exam done, Lisa says, “If you want me to stop over here after work. My suggestion would be to start on Tuesday. Stretching and massaging some of the areas will stimulate a quicker recovery. I can also give her, I mean him, things to do. We’ll even have him walking and then jogging to help keep the muscle tone.”

Lisa turns to me, “I’m sorry about the wrong pronoun. I…”

I interrupted her, “Don’t worry, you’ll probably see me as Caryn, so instead of worrying about it; you might as well call Caryn or Gary, he or she, and not worry about it.” I joked, “If we were in my room I could show you one dress for homecoming.”

Lisa and Ashley were soon gone with me having thanked them both. Sarai had stayed to spend time with me. One good sign was Meg’s pain pills had either helped or I didn’t have much pain any longer.

Sarai laid down with me until I fell asleep and then she quietly left. It was a little after eight that evening when I finally woke up. And the pain had not gone away. The bruise to the thigh was turning a bluish purple. I felt a few more sore spots around my upper torso.

Mom talked to me about seeing a doctor for a closer exam and to have x-rays
checked by another set of eyes.

“Mom, I think it might be a good idea, but I’m sensitive about seeing Doc Gamble as I am.”

Mom asked, “How would you feel about going to my clinic? They have a sports medicine person, and I’m told she’s quite good and thorough.”

“Mom, your clinic is for women, and I’m Gary.”

“But tell me, are you not wanting to see Dr. Gamble because of how you look presently? I’m sure Dr. Michelle Watts will have good discretion, plus she’ll probably pick up on things a general doctor might miss.”

I thought and then asked, “Are you sure they won’t turn me away laughing?”

Mom was forthright, “I’m pretty sure, but if they did, neither Katie nor I would be their patients.”

The next morning I was nearly through getting ready for school when my mom called to me. “Caryn, my clinic called back, not only are they open to seeing you Caryn, but they had a cancelation for two o’clock today. Dr. Watts will see you then but you need to be there no later than 1:40; they have forms you need to fill out. I’m giving Katie an excuse so she too can go with you. She will not be in for the exam, but I’d like two sets of ears bringing back Dr. Watts report.”

“I’m apprehensive about this, but thanks.”

Today at school I was able to focus on my academic schoolwork, not running, and I got another report done. Katie and I left school at 1:10 to get to the doctors on time.

Filling in the forms, I’d would whisper comments, like how I couldn’t answer some questions because they didn’t regard me. Katie whispered back, “Mark you’re not pregnant. You need to answer the question, or the machine might not accept your information.”

Ms. Lea called me to an exam room away from the others. She gave me a pink exam smock to change into saying I should keep my panties on. She had taken my weight, height, temperature, blood pressure, and asked a number of questions. She said, “I hope it didn’t bother you our asking if you are pregnant?”

I lied, “Not at all.”

“We’ve had a few boys mark other and say they only wished they were. Have you ever wished you could become pregnant,” she asked?

When I responded that I thought that was a silly question; Lea remarked, “By your appearance and coming to a women’s clinic, I guess you might call me silly.”

“Touché” I replied. Ms. Lea left and a few minutes later Dr. Michele Watts came in.

“So someone said you’re the person that the basketball player crashed into.” She continued to talk to me as she examined me. She did ask about the fatty tissue on my chest. “Are you taking any medicine to help them develop? It is a little much from just wearing a bra.” She asked me to push my panties down so she could examine my privates. “Did you know your testes have not fully lowered. They’re there and to an untrained eye they could appear normal.”

I replied, “Dr. Gamble says, I’m just a late bloomer.”

She hit a button and my x-rays showed on a screen, and she remarked, “The x-rays are not terrible, but they should have been better. I can’t see any breaks or line fractures. Meg was good at taking them as a precaution.”

I said, “Do you know who Meg is?”

Michele asks in reply, “Yes, was she any more impressed in meeting the famed Caryn than I am?”

I said, “You doctors aren’t impressed by the likes of me. You only put up with us because it pays the bills.”

Dr. Watts sits with a thump and look of displeasure, “I’m truly sad that you feel that way. Up until then…” She pauses in mid-sentence. “Sorry, I lost my thought. You are remarkable; whatever you think my motivation for saying it is. A young man having the discipline of stepping to a girl’s world and taking it in stride. Many have said, that you’re much improved, not only your running time but as a person.”

She said, “I do have different health concerns. That has to do with your testicles not having fully fallen, the fatty tissue that is being shaped by the bras you are wearing.”

I ask, “What do you mean, I have balls like the guys my age!” I didn’t mean to say it so crudely. “Sorry about the way I said that and what I said before. It is like I have what my Mom calls a knee jerk reaction.”

“I kind of like dressing and being around the girls more, but then as Gary, I shouldn’t and I lash out. Do you know what I mean? I even like you and I know you are not judging me, but I feel like you should. When I was little I liked playing with other girls until I had it reinforced that I shouldn’t. My cousins Jeff and Bill helped get that across to me.”

Dr. Michele smiles, “You are correct, it is safe to say what you are thinking around here. I’m not questioning that you are a boy, but your testicles have not completely fallen. They usually would have for a boy your age. It could mean you are not producing as much testosterone as some other boys.”

“You’re saying I’m not a normal boy?”

Dr. Watts says, “No, normal varies for boys as well as girls. But instead of the acne, some other teenagers are having; it might indicate why you have such a nice complexion.”

“Thanks, Dr. Michele. I’m not exactly sure what pleases me more, being able to pass as a girl, to have Sarai and the other girls as friends, or my improvement as a runner and getting the attention that way.”

Dr. Watts says, “That is a good observation. Seemingly your life has changed a fair amount in just a short period of time. Those things can easily play on a teenager’s psyche.”

“I’d ask you more but we’ve run out of time; I have another appointment that has already been waiting. I was wondering if you’d like another appointment next Monday. Probably not if you’re sure you’ll be back to just being Gary after homecoming.”

I say to her, “My first meet next week is on Tuesday and I’d need you or another doctor’s approval to be able to run in it. One more appointment would be helpful.”

“If you brought a swimsuit as requested I want you in our whirlpool for twenty minutes before you leave today. And you could use being in a whirlpool again tomorrow and Thursday morning. It doesn’t need to be here, but schedule it if you want one or both.”

Katie, who was in for the last part of my appointment, said, “Caryn has a suit with her. She’d need to be Gary to use one of the boys' whirlpools, but Mr. Brock won’t be pleased or any too nice with him when he does.”

Dr. Michele had left, but Nurse Hall asked, “Katie could you have Caryn here tomorrow or Thursday morning between six-thirty and seven a.m.?”

There was a quick “Can do, both if helpful.”

The time in the whirlpool didn’t seem that great until it was time to get out and my thigh muscles were definitely more relaxed. By the time we got home, I knew why I needed to go back as my muscles were sore and becoming tightening again.

Katie and I talked as we went back home and it was more like sisters, “Katie, what can I do? Do I need to find a long dress for Homecoming? I don’t want the bruise to detract from Sarai and I being together, especially if she’s the Homecoming Queen.”

Katie inserted, “Or if you’re the Homecoming Princess, which I think is a very good chance.”

“Sis don’t tease me like that, I’m still a guy.”

“Are you now? I hope you will at least for this week have fun being the girl Caryn,” she replied.

“I confess only to you, you already know I like pretending I am.”

Katie said, “And I’m enjoying have a sister for now. My boyfriend even remarked that you’ve been good for me. Mark said the joy I have in having a sister, rubs off on our relationship. Plus he’s happy that I can shop with you instead of him.”

“I do think I’ll be a better boyfriend in the future; I’ll better appreciate a girl’s point of view.”

Katie whispered as we drove up to our home, “Do you ever think you're in danger of becoming transgender?”

The car was parked and turned off, and I didn’t mean to say it out loud, “I don’t think I could give up my boy parts.” Katie looked over and put her right hand on my hand.
“You probably already know that is not a requirement of being transgender. You’ve accepted being a girl weeks ago and it is becoming of you. Today you went to a women’s doctor and freely scheduled to go back.”

She added, “Do you know Cousin Marti is thinking of inviting you to be a bridesmaid next year?”

“No, I didn’t. But even if I did it would just be a matter of makeup and clothes…”

Story to be continued…

Previously: Katie inserted, “Or if you’re the Homecoming Princess, which I think is a very good chance.”

“Sis don’t tease me like that, I’m still a guy.”

“Are you? I hope you will at least for this week have fun being the girl Caryn,” she replied.

The car was parked and turned off, and I didn’t mean to say it out loud, “I don’t think I could give up my boy parts.” Katie looked over and put her right hand on my hand.
“You probably already know that is not a requirement of being transgender. You’ve accepted being a girl weeks ago and it is becoming of you. Today you went to a women’s doctor and freely scheduled to go back.”

She added, “Do you know Cousin Megan is thinking of inviting you to be a bridesmaid next year?”

“No, I didn’t. But even if I did it would just be a matter of makeup and clothes.”

Once, we were in the house, Katie saw the reminder that Mom left. “I’ll be home shortly after six. Remember Lisa Camp, the physical Therapist, will be here sometime after five-thirty wear a robe with swimsuit bottom and a camisole or undershirt underneath. It would be nice if you had something she could eat and drink.”

I moaned and Katie laughed, “You’re getting some nice attention from some attractive women; Dr. Michele and Lisa Camp. I saw Dr. Watts got a rise out of you at her office. Drinking that cold drink and looking away as much as you did help.”

“Sis, that’s gross for you to say anything like that.”

Katie asked, “You wanted me to tell you why girls like to watch men play basketball?”

Smiling, Katie said, “Our excitement is a little bit harder to see. If Caryn would start dating you’d probably learn that. Maybe you’ll see it when you’re with Sarai.”

We sliced some cheese and got out mom’s crackers. I was heating the teapot and found different boxes of tea. Katie said they were for women. Then I went a found what I needed to change into. It was five-fifteen when I was back downstairs in a pink robe.

“Bro, you are a sight for sore eyes. No one is going to see a boy looking at you.”

It was later than expected when a car pulled into our driveway and Lisa Camp stepped out. When she went to the door behind the driver’s seat. Katie said, she must have a massage table or something, but it was a baby carrier that must have fastened into a safety seat. Katie said, “How can a woman that buff, have had a baby recently?”

No sooner were they inside and Lisa sprightly said, “I want you to meet Staci Lyn Camp; she is four months old tomorrow.” Lis turns to me, “Have you been bitten by the girl bug of liking to be around babies?” I was already leaning down cooing to Staci.

Lisa asked, “Caryn, please stand up and take off your robe so I can get a good look at you… Now tell me how you’ve been since yesterday?”

Katie chimed in, “Caryn saw a sports medicine doctor at the women’s clinic this afternoon and has been in a whirlpool.” Lisa looks at me and raises her hand toward my sister to stop her from answering.

“It was Dr. Michele Watts.” I could tell my Lisa’s expression she knew Dr. Watts and the clinic she was part of. I continued, “It is silly but I didn’t want to go to my regular doctor like this.”

Lisa said, “No, it was actually an excellent choice, and I understand.”

“Dr. Watts said, I didn’t break anything, but besides my thigh, I had bruised two ribs.”

She worked on stretching different muscles, tendons, and joints. “This girlfriend of yours must be doing something right. You’re in excellent shape. Your feet aren’t the rough, tough feet of most guys running cross country this late in the season.”

I say, “Sarai talked me into wearing two socks as well as running more relaxed, to enjoy myself. Hmm, she’s helped me to think through more things and be sensitive to others. Heck, I’ve discovered feelings I didn’t even know a guy could have.”

“But what good has it done me? I’m injured and going to miss much of my season!”

Lisa responded, “I don’t know, maybe the new you relaxed when Jackson went running up into the stands. If you had tensed up the injuries could have been worse. About your sensitive side, I wished my husband could relax and enjoy Staci more. He wanted a boy, I’m sure. The way you got close to Staci is what I’d like for him and her. I’m sure she’ll work her way into his heart, but it’s taking time.”

Lisa asked, “Are you able to use the whirlpool at school, it would be helpful.”

“My sister is going to take me back to the clinic tomorrow and Thursday mornings and I’ll see Dr. Watts again Monday.”

Lisa responds, “Wow, that sounds good, but your bet will be fulfilled come Friday and Saturday. Who is going to show up at the women’s clinic next Monday?”

Lisa was finished, and I needed to turn and hurridly fix my robe as I was getting excited. Responding to the question about the clinic I said, “I’m sure I could go as Gary, but I feel more comfortable there being Caryn. Hopefully, she’ll remember to fill out my release for Gary Miller and not Caryn.”

Lisa says, “But what if she doesn’t think you’re ready? I suspect at the least she would like a follow-up appointment.”

Caryn says, “I don’t know, I’d have to think of it then.”

Lisa was getting ready to leave as I slipped on a pair of running shorts and a clean top.

She had taken Staci Lyn out of her carrier as she needed a change of diapers. Katie handed me a plastic bag to give to Lisa for the diaper. Lisa handed little Staci to me as she took the plastic bag to find a place to dispose of it.

Lisa came back, “See even in Gary’s shorts and top you can keep that sensitivity.”

I said, “You have a knack, you help me feel good about myself.”

She said, “It is easy. Call it your sensitivity or the woman in you, I find that attractive. Don’t ever lose that even if it means dressing as a girl now and then.” She took her baby secured her in the carrier and was ready to leave, saying, I’ll see you tomorrow and the next day.”

Katie spoke up asking Lisa, “Would it be possible for you and your husband to have supper with us one of those nights?”

“I don’t know, I’ll have to see and then call back. I know my Brent, wouldn’t mind meeting boy wonder here. Brent’s a runner too.” Mom and dad were late in getting home and Lisa was well gone. She didn’t call back until 7:30 that evening.

Everyone seemed happy and relieved that I wasn’t going to run in the meet, even Coach Higgins.

Going to the clinic to use their whirlpool went well, Tuesday I was isolated from the women, but Thursday the partition was down at the women’s request. One was a high school cross-country runner, another was a volleyball player, and a third was a woman who wouldn’t say much about herself. The nice part for me was their acceptance. When it was time for me to get out, Mildred the older woman said, “you were just like another high school girl, and you stopped them from getting in their trash talk.”

At that point, Maddie spoke up, “Tess said, you must have lost part of your thing because we can’t see it.”

I said, “I’m not going to prove it, so think what you want. I thank you for showing your homecoming dress from last week.”

Maddie and Mildred both complimented my dress and were happy for me. The bruise on my thigh was fading.

I had jogged several blocks from school before Sarai picked me up and gave me a ride home. She said, “You know that you’re lucky that there wasn’t much of a breeze. How did that simple run feel?”

Thursday afternoon would be the last of my therapy treatments with Lisa. And tonight the Camps would be over for supper. Mom was making her fried chicken and stir-fried vegetables.

When Lisa heard that I slowly ran across the school grounds and another three blocks, she was impressed. “I’m happy for you. I’d say if tomorrow wasn’t the beginning of homecoming you could jog a mile if it felt okay?”

I asked, “Do you think I could try running our course around the golf course?” I noticed my Mom had stepped into the room; suspecting it was to hear Lisa’s answer.

She said, “I’m not one who can clear you to begin running. If it were a mild run, it would probably be a good measure of your ability to return to running. I would suggest you take extra time to warm up. And when you run, if you feel it tightening go back to walking and stop for the day.”

Lisa turned to my mom and asked, “Mrs. Miller, I’d like to check and massage a ligament at the top of Caryn's thigh, but it’s in a sensitive area. I would want your permission as well as hers and I would like you to stay if I do so?”

Mom said, ‘Yes’, and called out to Katie to watch the chicken.

With our permission, Lisa moved her hand up my leg and found a ligament that was tight and slightly turned. I couldn’t help but smile as it initially felt real nice. She warned me before it hurt. How nice it felt was amazing.

Mom said thanks to Lisa and complimented me for being a scout. Mom went back to the kitchen and it took another ten minutes before Lisa was through with me.

I went and took a short shower, I dressed casually as Caryn because Brent knew I was really a boy. I wanted to look competent enough that I might get to hold Staci and show my caring side. It was the last of my new outfits, a jean skirt and a blouse with a camisole underneath, and over my bra.

It was after 6:30 when Brent arrived and another fifteen minutes before we would eat. Once Brent was relaxed and comfortable he looked at me, kind of chuckled as he said, “Gary, I’m impressed. I’d never have done it, but I know you’re one of the good guys.” He smiled, “You also present well as a girl.”

I realized I recognized him from several meets and asked if that was him. “Your coach has me record times for the three-quarter mark of your run. I know Matt and Chuck some and have usually congratulated you on a good run. To be honest, early in the season, I thought you were not going to find your stride. You weren’t bad, just not as hoped for.”

I smiled back, “You could call it bad. The bet with Sarai was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. …When I first wore the running skirt to the next meet, I didn’t think I’d make the full three weeks. Actually, I was planning a way to screw it up. I was trying on something in a changing room; it was then I set my mind on completing my bet and make the most of it.”

Called for supper, it was a wonderful time. Near the end of the meal, Mom said, “Why don’t the two of you, go clean up and then put on one of your homecoming outfits. Then you can come down and show them to Lisa. I think she’d enjoy seeing what her daughter will look like in sixteen years.”

I said, “But I want time to hold Staci?”

Lisa said, “If you come first, I can comment on how you look, and then you can hold Staci if you dare.”

I was upstairs a full two minutes before Katie, I changed my panties and the bra before realizing they wouldn’t see them. Then a half slip and camisole before going into the bathroom to do my face. I didn’t have a vanity like Katie. I used the concealer on one blemish and then a light foundation and makeup.

Mom called up saying we didn’t need to do all our makeup, but I only had mascara and my lipstick before putting on my dress. I got the dress on but needed help in getting the back done up. I sent up a prayer and gave a quick thanks to Denise for helping me to find the dress. I slipped on three-inch heels and gingerly made my way down the stairs.

“Oh my Caryn, you look darling,” said Lisa. Mom came over and was filled with joy for me. Sarai will be delighted when she sees you… Did your Father tell you on Saturday night you get to use the good car to pick up your date and take her to the dance? That's what my father did.”

I was happy when the fuss over me was done. Mom put a kitchen smock over me to cover me as I held Staci. Lisa came over with a cloth diaper and Staci. “I was hoping you might give Staci a bottle of my breast milk. You can use the diaper to burp her if needed.”

I wanted to say no, but Lisa went back to see Katie. It felt awkward as a high school boy to hold a bottle of a woman’s breast milk. I had never given a bottle to a baby, She felt small and delicate, and I had no idea what she meant by, ‘I might need to burp her.’ Staci’s head was near the turn at my elbow and nervously I initially missed her mouth, Staci turned, found, and sucked on the nipple.

‘It hit me at that point that she was sucking through a nipple and drinking her mother’s milk as if Lisa was nursing her herself.’ My mom was near and said, “Now that she drinks half of it, put the diaper over your shoulder and burp her.”

My “What?” Was enough to get mom’s help as she directed me on how to hold the baby as I walked with her and the diaper on my shoulder. Mom commented on how gently I patted Staci. I was afraid of breaking or hurting her, but I relaxed with each comment and a little guidance.

I appreciated mom saying, “You’ll make a good dad someday.” Part of me wanted to say parent but I like the idea of being a sensitive man.

I walked to hand Staci back to Lisa, and Lisa was amused that I knew enough to smooth out my dress and to check I hadn’t hurt it any.

I was awake at 5:30 a.m. as I have a 6:30 salon appointment. I was both excited and scared as the day has arrived for homecoming to begin. Shel or Shelby welcomed me as her client. “It is nice to meet you, Caryn. I hope you are ready for an enjoyable experience. I think many at your school are waiting to see how beautiful you can be.”

I said, “I’m excited, but I’m getting scared!”

“That’s okay, I’m Shelby’ and as a hairstylist, I’m your priest, therapist, and here to help you.” She had a warm-hearted smile as she led me to her station. She said, “There are six of us and we’ll be busy now until six and each of you will get our best.”

“Can I have some extensions that would look like I’ve had some tinting to my hair?”

She said, “You must have said something to Sarai because she said to be ready for something like that.”

“We talked about getting our hair styled, but I said, ‘Highlights wouldn’t be good for Gary.’”

Shel said, “Well, you can take out the highlights later but you should at least leave them in for a week and a couple of shampoos at least.” I agreed I could do that and the highlights went in. I liked all the personal attention I was getting and my conversations with Shel and with Sarai from time to time. I could see Sarai’s reflection in the mirror some two chairs away. She smiled when she saw the highlights going in my hair.

Shel cut and combed my hair for the style I had chosen. She sprayed my hair again as she cut and rolled sections to be pinned up or put into curlers.

I had a good start when my sister Katie came in for her appointment. I was set back when her beautician Michelle said, “Hi Kathryn.” That name was usually used by my parents when she was in trouble. Now I was learning Katie was using it more where she wanted to be able to use her proper name.

I was ready to go under the hairdryer when my sister remarked, “So you got Mom’s permission for Caryn to stay around a little longer.”

“No, but I don’t think I’ll mind it. Anyway, Cousin Megan won’t be here until next Thursday. It seems there’s always another reason to keep glimpses of Caryn around,” I said. “It should be interesting to see how I look, don’t you think?”

Under the dryer, the outside world was muffled and I could hear myself think. That was when Mylee came to prepare my nails. She smiled, “Good girly boy, takes good care of her nails.”

I didn’t like the ‘girly boy’ tag but she said it was good, “Girly boys in my parents country are treated with respect; it’s considered an honor; they take pride in themselves. You must agree regular men can be loud mouth pigs. Thankfully, you’re not like that.”

Shelby came and checked on me and the second time she turned off the dryer. Mylee came with us to finish preparing my nails. Shel told me, “Sarai picked your nail color, so you two look good together. It will go beautifully with your dress and makeup as well.”

I was back to Shelby’s chair, and asked, “Yes Sarai told me; did you and Mi talk about my colors, dress, and makeup?”

Shelby giggled, “You don’t think we do things by chance, do you? We talked with Sarai, saw swatches from your gown and hers.”

“I’m learning that there’s a lot more to being Caryn than I thought.”

Sarai’s sister Rachel came up from behind me saying, “With the help of your friends, you seem to be doing quite well and are enjoying this experience. I hope you were called a girly boy by Mi, but for her, it was out of respect. You are unique for not seeing yourself as being transgender.”

I was closely watching Shelby as the pins and curlers came out and my hairstyle was taking shape. It was exciting and alarming that I could look so girl-like. When I remarked about that, Shel giggled again, “Yes, Sarai must be very comfortable with herself to allow her date to be so attractive.”

I said, “What’s funny is having a date with Sarai is her gift to me.”

Sarai heard her name mentioned and spoke up, “I heard my name, what are you talking about.”

Shel looked to me as if asking if it would be okay to expand our conversation. I spoke instead, “Caryn just shared this would be her first date.”

Sarai asks, “Did you tell Shelby you have a good chance of becoming our homecoming queen?”

I said, “Because I don’t want to be a princess!”

Shelby chimed in, “Well your hairstyle will look very good with a tiara in it.” Shel said my hair was done except for the final combing out after my makeup and nails were done.

My nails at first looked plain white, a color I wouldn’t have chosen. Then Mi added light blue and then coral pink lines slanting across my nails. I became concerned as I was looking like a real girl. I liked the feeling of seeing my nails and my reflection in the large mirror in front of us. I just wasn’t ready for others to see me as such. That Mi could do that as quickly and as perfectly as she did amaze me.

Sarai would have been finished before me if she hadn’t kept coming to check on me. “Wow, Caryn look how wonderful your hair, complexion, and nails are!”

I said, “You mean my makeup?”

She replies, “Yes, but that’s only because of how wonderful you’ve taken care of your skin and complexion. Your hair would not have looked anywhere as this nice three weeks ago. Please, you must see that too.”

Without thinking, I said, “Three weeks ago I wasn’t a girl. …I mean, I wouldn’t have been seen as a girl!”

Katie was there and responded, “Both are true, you now not only look like a girl but today and tomorrow at least you are a girl. I’m loving having you as my sister.”

A tear came to my eye, and Shelby says, “Let me show you how to get that tear with a tissue so you don’t damage your makeup.” She wraps the tissue into a small point and has me watch her closely. I quickly smiled and my tear was gone with no damage.

When Shelby did the last combing some of my hair looked like the delicate feathering I admired with Sarai and other girls’ fine hair.

Shel asked, “Caryn do you have a dainty handkerchief for such occasions?” I shook my head no, and then she said, “You do now.” She gave me a lace handkerchief wrapped in clear cellophane.

I felt a tear coming but was able to keep it at bay. I said, “You are spoiling me, but thank you.”

It was just after eight when I was done. I paid for my salon appointment with my Mom’s card, and the cash for the tip was all mine, and Shel and Mi both said I was more than generous.

Mom was right, as my bet has cost me, besides what Mom spent, some $300 so far, before the flowers and the special gift that I have for Sarai. But she and I felt it was well worth it. That I had come out of my shell socially, that I had been excelling at running again, but most of all everyone thought I had learned to hold my mouth and rash thoughts.

Mom was waiting for me when I emerged out of the Jubilee Salon. Mom took me to a drive-through to get a breakfast sandwich and drink. Mom said, “I don’t mean to offend you, but you look darling.”

“Thanks, Mom, I feel fantastic. I don’t want to jinx myself but I feel like a princess.”

Mom giggled, “You know there are worst things than being a crown princess.”

I said, “Name one?”

“They could crown a prince that you’d have to kiss.” There was none, but yes that would be worse.

Mom asked, “What are you going to do when your good friend Jonathan or other boys asks for a dance?”

I actually had a dream or nightmare that had happened. Maybe Katie had told Mom. “I’ll politely say, No.”

Mom said, “Many girls have had someone ask them that they didn’t want to dance with. The polite thing to do would be to dance with them.”

“Mom that was back in the 20th century, not now. Girls say yes when they want, and an emphatic ‘No!’ when they don’t.”

We were soon enough home and the discussion now was about getting my lace dress on and getting to school. If I had any sense of being Gary it vanished as Mom and Aunt Mary helped me put the dress on. The skirt portion had a satin slip, and my arms tingled as the lace sleeves came up and mom drew the dress closed as she button upped the back. With my silken feet going into three-inch heels I felt like a princess as I twirled in place.

Aunt Mary laughed, “Where did my nephew Gary get lost too? I don’t think my Dawn was anymore joyful than you are now.”

I was off to school, as Katie was coming back from the salon. Most senior girls were allowed to come to school late. I had one of the lone exceptions with Sarai. She was giving me a ride to school. She knew I was nervous about how I was presenting myself and being a ‘princess’ candidate. The day was to have some hard times, and seeing Sarai and not able to kiss her was one of the hardest. Sarai gracefully handled an air-kiss and touching my cheek with a flower, without having makeup wipe off.

There would be an assembly at 11:00 to introduce the Princess Contestants, the King Candidates as well as those vying for Queen. Then there be a parade with float fancy cars; for the smaller sports like volleyball, cross-country, and soccer teams there was one float, while the football players rode on several of the firetrucks.

Sarai and I would have ridden with the soccer team but we were in the Queen and Princess Courts respectively. Jenny, Grace, and I, princess nominees talked, complimenting each other on our dresses and hair.

Grace was the one who broke the ice about me possibly being selected at the Homecoming Princess. “You know in some ways you could be the best selection. You’re attractive, soft-spoken, and have become very popular recently. You have brought good publicity to the school and the cross-country program.”

We all shared many of the same classes for years. It felt funny talking about our dresses and salon visits. Jenny was the first to comment on how tight her shapewear was. When Grace agreed that it was different; they both turned to look at me. They knew I was royally embarrassed caught wearing something. They let me be nervous for s short time. Jenny broke the silence, “Well you should be wearing something it's part of your girl experience.” She, Grace and finally I giggled.

The presentation of the Queens was fashionably late, as some of the girls were late in arriving, thinking time requirements were for everyone else. Grace moaned, “Too bad that Sarai isn’t a cheerleader or basketball player as they are usually the most popular and likely to be Queen.”

I found it fun sitting on a float and waving at the school and townspeople watching the homecoming parade. I knew many of the people. The boys were whistling and some even called my name, Caryn. Most of what they said was good-hearted. I was told at the end of the parade that I won an informal pole for ‘the best hand wave of a girl riding on a float.’

When we got back to school Katie was there and had her hair and makeup done, but otherwise, she was in nice school clothes, not her homecoming dress. Mom had a hanger with one of my outfits. I said, “What’s this with Katie in school clothes and you having one of my outfits?”

Mom said, “Didn’t you read the instructions encouraging you to change so you didn’t spoil your dress for the festivities at the game?”

Katie says, “You’ll pit out your dress if you wear it until after the game.”

“Mom,” I said, “I’m a guy, we don’t read instructions.”

She said, “If you have any idea of going on being a girl, you better learn.”

I paused, wondering if I misheard my Mom, but looking at Katie’s frozen stare I was sure I hadn’t. I asked, “Mom what did you just say to me?”

She hadn’t intended to say out loud, and responded, “Disregard whatever you thought I said. I thought you did quite well in the parade. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re elected Princess. You are in my book.”

We had to use the nurse’s extra cubical for me to change and make sure the curtain was fully closed as I changed.

I had three more classes, and like me most students were too distracted to learn much. I saw Sarai only once in passing and then finally at the end of the school day.

I had a small snack of half a sandwich, celery sticks, and a small glass of 7-up before I got dressed for the ceremonies and game. I was feeling good as I knew how to get on my dress, refresh my makeup, and use a styling brush on my hair. ‘Okay it was with either Katie or Mom watching me, but I felt reasonably comfortable that I could do it on my own.

All the candidates were taken around the field before the football game. We ended up in front of the home crowd stands where the various winners were named. I was now happy that I was nominated but wasn’t going to be disappointed when I lost.

They announce three girls as runners-up and it was between Jenny and me. “First Runner-up is Jennifer Thomas and Princess for Del High Ms. Caryn Miller.” When the other princesses surrounded me and hugged me, I was overwhelmed by joy and excitement. Liking it totally surprised me.

Mitch Heartfelt was announced as King. To my dismay, Sarai was named second runner-up, and Mikaya was named the Queen over the Cheerleader captain. That at least made me feel a little better.

I heard Grace say, “There’s a good chance Sarai would have won as queen if Caryn wasn’t nominated and elected.” That made me an awfully sad Princess until Sarai came over and admonished me.

“You know that you need to relax and enjoy being the Princess. It isn’t like they have the chance to elect you as Queen next year. I think Jennifer in the long run will appreciate being Queen more.” She changes the thought and asked, “If you give me your lace hanky, I will win the race for you tomorrow. Then I’ll drive you wild with passion.”

“Oouu, this damsel might faint from that much emotion.”

Since there was no prince, Mikaya granted Sarai the joy of sitting with me. Come halftime. I along with the King and Queen were crowned. Mitch was quickly interviewed, while more interest was shown in getting pictures and interviewing Mikaya and then me.

I was disappointed as Sarai and the rest of the runners had to leave at halftime to meet Coach Higgins’ curfew.

Our football team did not play terribly well but they won the game. Sports newscaster Burrows said their goal was achieved. He told me that they were lucky I wasn’t running as we would be taking their limelight.

It would be lost to them anyway as Chuck was running well again and Rodney, Silas, and Ben would run well enough to claim first as a team with Matt being the fastest guy.

True to her word Sarai wore my lace hanky pinned to her shirt and she ran. She and I hugged and kissed upon her breaking her best time. She had been in danger of coming in second, but my sister, Ashely, and I became her ‘spirit team.’ I was so proud of being her girl at that moment.

I gave her a big hug to let her know I loved her and was happy knowing how much winning the homecoming race meant. “You moved your ass,” I whispered, “no one is more impressed than me.” Yes, there was one happier than I was and that was Sarai herself. She said back, “Relax and enjoy, tonight we get to enjoy!”

Even wearing two heels, my legs tired walking over the uneven ground. I did better in running a meet, than these heels on the grassy ground there.

I needed a bubble bath and a nap before the evening. Katie and I were thinking the same thing as we got home and she convinced me to put on one of her swimsuits and we got into our large hot tub. We had turned the heat down as we didn’t want the humidity ruining our hair. Once again I found myself feeling like a sister as we talked. She was concerned for her sister as she had seen boys watching me. I discounted the idea but she had some pictures. One even showed me smiling back at Blake.

I hadn’t known Katie was watching, but I remembered seeing Blake a runner from a neighboring school. And yes, I was amused that boys like Blake took an interest in me. He was after all a good-looking guy.

Yesterday and today, mom had insisted I wear a gaff so that I did not embarrass myself nor Sarai and others.

I had our good car and would be driving Sarai and me to the dance and afterward. I had practice driving in a skirt and shorter heels on Thursday. This evening was with my coral pink dress and three-inch heels. The safety-belt crossed my heart like my bra and I was dutifully amused. It made turning to either side more work.

When I got to the Duvall house Mrs. Duvall welcomed me with a warm smile. Once inside she spoke, “Caryn, I am surprised by how pleased I am that you two make such a beautiful couple. I never imagined my daughters taking interest in another girl. I know deep down you are a boy, but your appearance and how Sarai sees you tonight is precious. I hope you will both enjoy the dance.

Sarai’s sister Rachel announced her sister at the top of the stairway. One she was beautiful; I was also taken with how easy it was for her to walk down the stairs and appear so graceful.

“Caryn, you did such a beautiful job with your makeup and hair tonight.” She gave me a hug and a light kiss on my cheek. How she did it without leaving a trace of lipstick I didn’t know. Seeing our two hands holding one another, one would have thought we were two girls. Pictures were taken with the Duvall’s phone, Sarai’s and mine. I was not the barely passable girl of three weeks earlier. Rachel had taken a video, and even my voice was much better now.

Rachel giggled, “How does it feel to be going on a date with my sister?”

I first moved to give Sarai her corsage, and I was asked to pin it on her as her mom took a picture. Sarai thanked me with another kiss and then turned away from me. “Here Caryn, I have one for you.” It was a beautiful corsage with a beautiful bouquet to it. I watched the beautiful expressions on her face as she pinned on my corsage. “You know Caryn there is no one quite like you; you are the love of my life.”

When we left the Duvall home, we would have been early to the dance, but Sarai insisted we start. Once we were pulling away she asked, “Do you know where Haley Schmidt lives over on Maple? We need to go there first, Haley and Jan are going to the dance with us.” Sarai explained that she was more comfortable going with another two girls.

Haley asked to visit with me alone, so we went and talked in her bedroom. Haley asked me how I was feeling and without another thought, I said, “I feel bad as the Princess; I felt I took away the possibility for Sarai to be queen.”

Haley said, “Don’t feel so bad. When you began turning into a girl more Sarai talked with us knowing there might be other implications. She has fallen for you as Caryn. I hope you are comfortable with that.”

We visited another thirty minutes about more intimate things between Sarai and me. I was becoming relaxed with my new understanding as we left. Jan and Haley would be with others at the end of the evening.

When we got to the dance we were quickly joined by Mandi, Patricia, Debbie,
Ashley Nolan, Brenda Leih, and several of their dates. It was amazing to me to be part of such a group. I had been a loner or had one friend if I went to an event. The girls, we made a fuss over one another’s dresses, makeup, and hair. Two of the guys already showed where their heads were as they had tented.

Wearing the tiara, I received some compliments. There was a time when the King and Queen had to dance and then sit on their thrones. I was able to choose my dance partner. Some thought it was bad that I chose Sarai, but that soon gave way to our supporters and well wishes saying it was time for the school to move forward.

We were able to walk out to the patio and find a place to be alone. We hugged and giggled as our breasts rubbed against the other. I knew Sarai felt more; I felt it a prelude waiting for after the dance. School dances would last until 10:30 at best.

Mom gave me until 1:00 a.m. to be out with Sarai. Was Mom inviting me to explore my feelings? Was it to be as Caryn, or for Gary to feel his juices… ?

Story to be continued...

We drove the back way into the conservation park using our parking lights to find an area to ourselves. That meant we were twenty-five feet from the next car. There was even a small tree with low branches between us and the next car that helped.

I’m not experienced, but between what Haley told me and Sarai helping me, Caryn, I was going to learn. We got into the back seat and helped each other lose our dresses. Sarai even took off her bra.

She asked, “Do you mind if it is Caryn and me at first?” I was fairly sure that meant for tonight. This being further than I would have hoped, it was fine by me. We kissed and hugged. “Caryn, if you don’t mind, I’m going to guide your hand. I hope you are open to touching my breasts and then some.”

With the first touch of her pillow-soft tissue, I responded, “You feel even more wonderful than before. Doing as my mother insisted I’m wearing a gaff and it is not simple to get off and on,”

We both giggled, and she asked how I used the women’s room. I didn’t explain much more than that I managed. She asked, “Is it alright then if we just act like two girls in love?”

“I don’t know how much more of a girl I can be, but I’m open to trying,” I said to her.

She guided my fingers around her nipple and said it was her ‘areola’. I remembered learning it in biology and health, but this time it registered. Nor did it seem funny like before, now it was beautiful. When I felt little bumps rise, I sensed she was more excited. Without thinking or asking I kissed her nipple. It wasn’t quite as soft as before, but I was pleasing her.

We did more, but all I’m comfortable saying was I blossomed and learned.

Once we were put back together, I wanted to fully redo my makeup. Sarai helped me to do what she said was more than enough. “Our mothers will know we were making out some; just assure her you were safe and didn’t go too far. I don’t think she’ll ask more.”

We threw our panties in the trash. Scott two cars over said loud enough for me to hear him. “Way to go, Caryn, some first date.”

It was 12:30 when we met up with Katie and Josh. We talked outside the cars for a while. It became a small crowd with Ashley, Jon, and their dates. I didn’t act embarrassed nor shy.

It was just after one when Katie suggested I take Sarai home, and her date would take her home.

Two cars drove by as I walked Sarai to her door and we kissed. Sarai asked, “Are you happy with having lost our bet and having this time as Caryn?”

“It’s the best thing to happen to me, I’ve loved being Caryn, and once I’m cleared to run I’ll continue wearing my running skirt for the season. I hope you won’t mind if inside I’m still Caryn some of the time?” I said. Sarai gave me one more hug and kiss before she slipped through the door.

I took a slightly longer way home. I looked at myself in the mirror and then took a selfie before going into the house.

Once through the door and to the stairs, my mom spoke up. “Why don’t you take a quick shower after Katie gets out. Then if you are up to a short visit come down in your sleepwear. I set something nice out on your bed.”

Katie was out of the shower, by the time I was undressed and had my dress hung up properly. I knew it wasn’t as special as a prom dress but it would be the best I’d get to wear. I was very pleased.

I sang as Caryn as I was showering. I had seen that mom bought me a nice lavender satin negligee to wear. It was modest and permitted me to wear Katie’s light nylon robe.

Dad had gone to bed, which enabled Mom, Katie, and I to visit as three women. Thankfully, no details were mentioned, but Mom was happy for Katie in her senior year. Mom alluded to me becoming a young woman and hoped as Gary I was alright with that. “I think it was a special night for Caryn and Gary, one you’ll never forget.”

Katie gave me a hug, whispering, “But you should be discrete and not just share with anyone. Did you have a good time?”

It was Caryn’s voice but both Gary and Caryn answering. “You both helped it to be a night to remember. I’ll return to being Gary, but it won’t be an easy thing. The nice thing is being Caryn broke all the emotions and fears that were holding me back.”

My phone buzzed and there was a message from Sarai, “Please know, I look forward to being with you Gary.”

My smile was all the explanation I needed for Mom and Katie.

It was seven-thirty in the morning when my phone buzzed again. I answered and it was Sarai. “Are you going to church with us; I’m going with Katie to your church I’ll be wearing Friday’s dress. You can come as Caryn or Gary, but I hope you’ll come.”

I started to moan as Gary and Katie knocked on my door, “Get up and get dressed. I hope you'll dress as Caryn; it was her weekend.”

I put on a robe and made my way downstairs. I was hungry and wanted to make sure things were okay with my parents. Breakfast was simple, danish, rolls, coffee, and juice. Dad spoke first and Mom confirmed whatever I did this morning was okay. I was told that we were meeting the Duvalls for Sunday dinner out.

We went to the ten o’clock service which gave us plenty of time. I dressed as Caryn in my lace dress but kept my makeup simple. I found a pair of two and a half-inch heels of Katie's that I fitted into. With the extra time, Katie helped me to change my nails over to a soft rose red.

Mom knowing I had a doctor’s appointment with Michele Watts, said I could keep them through the doctor’s appointment and during school on Monday. But there was a ‘but.’ You do need to return home and go to school as Gary.

Going to church with Sarai was fun. Not everyone was pleased to see Caryn but I did not overreact and let things quietly be. Being in a town and church where I grew up, most of the comments I received were supportive.

Dinner out was kind of anti-climactic as the three of us, Katie, Sarai, and I had trouble staying awake and eating properly. The Duvalls and our parents were the ones who reminisced three weeks and my blossoming.

Once we got home modesty became hard, as I barely hung up my dress. Mom helped me to take off my little makeup and cleanse my face. I dropped into bed at three and didn’t wake up until seven that evening.

Sometimes while I was sleeping much of Gary’s clothes were returned. Only half of Caryn’s clothes disappeared to the guest room. The coral pink dress had to go to the cleaners. A few panties, bras, and camisoles stayed in the bottom of my dresser, along with stockings, and girls’ socks. Several skirts and blouses remained in my closet along with the return of Gary’s slacks, shirts, and denim jeans.

I did go to the school track and jogged five laps. Each lap I picked up a little more speed as I stretched my stride. It was no way near what I needed to run cross-country, but it was a good start. I felt soreness where I had been bruised, but nothing hurt.

I thought I was alone until I came off the track. Sarai and Katie were there. “Look who has grown up,” said Katie. “I was sure we were going to have to stop you from running too fast and too long.”

Sarai hugged me, “Gary, you have most of the week to see if Saturday’s meet is possible. I know you will be a force to be reckoned with next year.”

I said, “I might be fooling myself but I hope to be full-stride come districts and state.”

Katie asked, “Doesn’t conference come first?”

I replied, “If possible, I’ll run fast enough to move on to districts.”

It was nine-thirty when we shut-off the track lights and went home.

Monday morning, I put on my gray mock suede skirt and pink blouse. Mom took her last picture of me as Caryn. It was time to leave for the doctor’s but Katie didn’t pick up her purse to go with me. There was a beep or a horn and I looked out to see Sarai ready to give me a ride. Mom rode along but let me sit in the front seat. When we got there, Mom let me know she had shorts or a swimsuit if I was to use the whirlpool.

When I went to be examined, I needed to take off my stockings. But Michele gave me the choice of putting on their paper exam outfit or just sit in my skirt and blouse. “You have healed faster than one might expect. Part of that is due to you being in shape. What I didn’t take into account was you taking it easy as I told you.”

While she examined me, she asked about homecoming and if I had pictures. I only had two, one from the Duvalls and another from the dance. Dr. Michele was pleased with both.

She said, “I can release you to begin running again, but I’d strongly suggest you don’t run tomorrow or run full speed before the weekend if then. If you begin to hurt, pull back some you’re just to be stretching those muscles.”

“If it is okay with you, I’d like to have your mother in here to talk about your blood work and testicles.”

I agreed but requested knowing some information before we called my mom back.

“Gary, you need to know I am not an expert in this, but your testosterone is just under fifty percent of normal for a boy your age.”

I took a deep breath and said, “You might as well call my Mom in; you can tell us both what this means. And if I’m in trouble.”

Michele said a muffled, “No, not trouble.” She went to get my mother.

Michele came back smiling, “I met your girlfriend Sarai. She is a very attractive girl.”

“Mrs. Miller, as I had begun telling Car… Gary; I’ve received his blood work back. I did that in part because his testes had not fully dropped and his skin tone is more delicate than most boys his age.” She paused for that to register for us both. Gary’s testosterone level is just about half that of the average boy his age. Boys also have estrogen in their blood and while he is slightly high in its range that is not alarming… I don’t think any of this is due to tight underwear he may have been wearing the past few weeks. Gary, I encourage you to be checked by a specialist and consider what if anything you might want to do. It could yet correct itself on its own.”

I waited until Dr. Watts finished speaking before I asked my question, “I was just thinking and my Mom will be as surprised as any. I’m not planning on it.” I stammered as I wasn’t sure if I wanted to say anything. “What if, what if I’d rather be Caryn?” I was trembling a little as I finished asking. I reached out my hand to my mom hoping she’d grasp it. I was afraid she wouldn’t. I hadn’t had time to think. I probably shouldn’t have said anything.

“I can’t even remember if that would make me a transgender boy or girl. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said anything.”

My Mom was also speaking, “It’s my fault, I should have known it would be dangerous for you to pretend like that. What did I do? I’m sorry Gary.” We shot out more thoughts and questions. Dr. Michele calmly said as she allowed us to ramble on, “It's neither of your faults, don’t worry all those thoughts are normal from what I understand.”

Mom had grasped my hand and we were hugging as we turned to Dr. Michele. Ms. Lea came to see if there was a problem. Dr. Michele told her, “Just some growing pains that need time.” Ms. Lea waited to see if she should leave or not.

“It will be okay Ms. Lea, thanks for checking. If you can, stay a moment in case one needs your support while I help the other.”

“Mrs. Miller and Gary, I’m glad you felt safe to share your concerns, but there is no blame needed. Gary, if I’m correct this didn’t start just three weeks ago. You’ve wondered about things and have been proving your masculinity for some time, am I right? And I don’t think you are quite ready to give up being Gary.”

“Mrs. Miller, I think everyone thought Gary was shy and withdrawn, but he was wrestling with this deep down inside. I think part of you knew that and gave Gary the room to discover himself with his committing to his bet Sarai. What the two of you did was quite healthy. I think Dr. Gamble knew Gary’s testicles had a problem, but no one saw all of this emerging at this time.”

She saw us looking at the clock, “I gave myself extra time to be with you once I saw the blood test results. It is a concern, but nothing to be alarmed about. Everyone needs to take this step by step and not rush to conclusions. Even if Gary would be transgender, the past three weeks seems to prove he/she can handle it.”

“My immediate advice is to take the time to continue to experience life as Gary in his regular routines. You might want to seek out a counselor who is experienced in these matters. Do you know if there might be opportunities for Gary to be Caryn again?”

Mom and I begin to speak at the same time. I stop and indicate for her to go first. Mom said, “His Cousin Megan is stopping by overnight on Thursday. She is getting married next summer and she’s actually entertaining the notion of asking Caryn to be a bridesmaid. Gary’s sister Katie is, and after another one of Megan’s bridesmaids became pregnant Megan thought it would be cute to have Caryn.”

I asked, “Is it possible for you to be my regular doctor?”

Michele’s eyes became brighter, “Yes, it is if you’re serious. Only two-thirds of my time is in sports medicine. You could even come to the clinic as Gary if you so wish.” She continued, “Would it be okay to see you a week after your first meet, or sooner if you have a problem?”

I didn’t tell anyone, but I felt good that Caryn would continue to be.

I went home and changed for school. I changed my hair to Gary’s ponytail but had to live with my painted nails until after school. My blend of being Gary and Caryn did raise a few eyebrows. The Principal spoke once to me between classes and she was fine with how I came to school today. “You know that you’re causing us to think outside of any preset molds. It should be good for us in the long run. Keep me informed if you or others run into problems.”

Mom went to work after we got home and Sarai gave me a ride to school.

“Gary, you are looking good,” I was surprised to hear Sarai calling me Gary. “I do miss seeing your good looking legs.” Several around us laughed.

Jon complained, “You’re still too much girl for me. I’ve had it for now.” Jon slapped hands with Marc Davies a long-time nemesis of mine and they walked off. Jon was a geek and loner; I didn’t give any friendship with Marc long. It was more about his anger with me.

Ashley asked, “Whenever did they become friends?”

During study time, I received permission to visit with Coach Higgins. He was happy to hear that I was approved to begin running again. He agreed that I shouldn’t be running in tomorrow’s meet, and wonder out-loud if Saturday might be too soon.

He did approve that I could begin light running after school. “Why don’t you jog around the track and see how far you can run; I’ll probably have you stop early.”

Once I got to the track I found out I only had my shorts with the running skirt. Matt said, “What did you expect? You’ve been running great, we want you to keep the spirit of what you’re doing. You have two weeks before districts and state. I want you pushing me by then.” Matt spoke to the other guys on the team. It was the first time I knew of him verbally acting like the captain of the team.

I felt good in the shorts with the skirt flapping against my legs. With my fingernails still painted, I felt more like one of the girls as I ran around the track. It was only a glorified trot but Matt said, “That’s at least six laps. I want you to walk around and cool down. That was impressive for the first day back.”

I did at the Coach’s request go in early and ride a stationary bike and then used the whirlpool. Once back out, and changed and I waited for the others. Sarai was possibly even more joyful than I was that I was not feeling sore. “I can’t believe you did that much running and aren’t sore. Please wait and I’ll give you a ride home.”

Once again, I was reminded that girls take longer to change than guys. The only exception being many girls won’t change at the field house. Sarai came out in flip-flops and used the remote on the car to have it started and warming up. I asked, “Since when did your car become able to do that?”

She confided in me, “This is not for others to know, but Rachel had a scary encounter at college. And only because another person came by she wasn’t badly hurt. My folks updated both of our cars with these features. With you acting as Caryn, it might not be a bad idea for you.”

I said, “Maybe for Katie. If I suggest it to me, it would likely be the last time I crossdress.”

“Then maybe your parents would be right if they stopped you from crossdressing.”

We changed that discussion and she was soon letting me off at my house. Soon as I was in the door, Katie grabbed me and took me up to her room. I knew she had gone out to get a few winter outfits. “Relax Katie, I will enjoy your seeing your clothes, just let me catch my breath.”

She said, “No, I want you to help me so I can see what goes with them.” She was undoing my belt when I understood what she was asking. “I even brought a pair of your panties and a bra that will do. Please, help me, Ashley’s coming over and I want a few outfits figured out before she gets here.”

My pants fell to the floor, “Good,” she says, “Your legs are shaved. I have a new tweed skirt and I have two tops that I want you to wear with them.” Katie is hurriedly brushing out my hair more to her style.

I turned from her to take off my underwear and put on the panties and bra. She put in a pair of cutlets, but they were larger than mine. I said, “I didn’t know you had these?” She told me they were for her bulkier sweaters. “That silver blouse and the other top aren’t bulky,”

She retorts, “And you not as big as I am; I want to see how I’d look?” I pulled off my top and happily put on the bra. I too wanted to see what I’d look like noticeably chestier.

Thankfully, I snuggly fit into the tweed skirt. It was shorter than I’d be comfortable in. I put on a faux turtleneck to go under the silky silver blouse.

Mom knocked on the door and was coming in, “Katie did I hear Gary come home. He didn’t stop to let me know he’s here and now I can’t… Oh there you are, I see you already volunteered to be Caryn.”

“No, Mom, I got shanghaied. I’m not protesting too much, as I like the new skirt. How does this outfit look on me?”

Katie quickly says, “It’s not your outfit, and you don’t have permission to wear it… Don’t move too much; I want to take a picture and then have you try this red holiday top.” Katie had a dress and a pair of dress slacks with two new tops as well.

The dress was a red knit dress. I was surprised by how the dress snugged my body. Katie had me temporarily take it off to put on a black camisole underneath it. “Mom, do you think that will keep me reasonably warm if I wore it for caroling outside?”

I joked, “Isn’t the point to get a boyfriend to keep you warm.”

She said with a cold stare, “If that is an attempt to say it looks nice, you need to get back to being Caryn.” I think it hit the three of us, that it was part of the old Gary creeping in.

The dress is nice and I had to keep it on to try jewelry, scarves, and purses with it. Mom volunteered the idea, “You’re going to need a new coat before Christmas if you’re going caroling in that.”

“I was not trying to hint for that Mom.”

Mom said, “It's your senior year and you also have one college visit before the holidays. It was something I already knew was needed. If we find a good sale and half off on a second, we might get one for Caryn.”

I jumped in, “I don’t need one as Caryn, I could use one of Katie’s.

Mom and Katie remark, “That won’t do, you don’t usually look good in the same clothes. When you’ve chosen clothes for Caryn, you have shown good taste in clothes. There are times you will have to make due, but a new coat is needed in this case. Your grandparents Keith and Marie Miller want you to look good if they’re to see you as Caryn for Thanksgiving.” That stopped that discussion.

I was shimming up the dress slacks when Ashley came into the room. “I thought the new clothes were for Katie?”

“Can’t I get any privacy?”

Katie responded to Ashley, “You’re a half-hour early, and Caryn’s modeling them so I can see how I will look in them.”

“With Caryn having extra help on top; I’m not sure you’ll look that good,” Ashley says.

Katie says, “Brat! That’s enough, I don’t need the help on top.” Ashley knows Katie and says, “Unless you wear the bulky sweaters you like.”

I stayed and talked with Ashley and Katie and it was after 8:00 in the evening before I realized I hadn’t eaten. My parents and Katie had eaten before I go home. Dad had a meeting, Mom had a project and Katie had her new clothes. Mom had made homemade soup and that and the bread was enough for me. It wouldn’t have been before.

To be continued…

If Caryn is to be at the Miller Grandparents during Thanksgiving, they’d prefer for Caryn to be seen as a regular girl. That will mean she needs her own clothes.

Katie is now used to having Caryn as her accessible model as she mixes and matches old and new outfits. They adore a comradery of sisters forming with playful bantering. Katie told her what would involve the two weeks before Megan’s wedding, but Caryn failed to hear it as something involving her.

Cousin Megan Edwards is coming to see if Caryn might be a good fill-in as a bridesmaid for her wedding next summer.

Tuesday was Gary’s first full day back being himself. His friend Jon was still associating with Marc Davies, and he became less accepting of Gary.

I got in front of Jon as I’m coming into the cafeteria, “Hey, Jon, what gives, we’ve been friends a long time? I’m still the same person.”

“No,” Jon said, “I didn’t know you were a sissy. I’m not like you; I don’t even want to be with you. Do you get that or do you want to fight about it?”

Gary turned to walk around Jon, and Jon said, “I didn’t think girly-boy would want to fight.”

Gary remarked, “Fighting to keep our friendship doesn’t make sense, though I think I’m as tough of a guy like you.” Jon bumped Gary and it caused Gary’s drink and lunch to fall to the floor. Gary slammed his tray down and was ready to hit Jon, and then he saw the lunch monitor there. He knelt to put his items onto his tray and took everything to the trash, and had nothing to eat.

Monica from Gary’s grade called him over to her table with many other girls. “Gary, you handled that well, but I know it must hurt inside. You and Jon have been friends for a long time. I hope this doesn’t change the new you?”

Another girl Hope, pushes a small salad and some crackers to him, “You should eat something or your tummy is going to be growling in class.” Someone handed an extra fork to him. Gary couldn’t help but smile seeing their kindness.

“I’m sorry, but it pisses me off, I’m as tough as ever. I just don’t want to start down the road of having to prove it.” Gary was embarrassed that he got angry and spouted off around girls in his grade.

Monica giggled, “Girls get ‘pissed off’ as well, though you probably don’t see it. Sometimes if Caryn’s around it might be easier to talk to you about that… I don’t mean to pry, but will we get to see Caryn again, won’t we?”

Gary gave a slight smile, “Don’t spread it around, but I think she’s here to stay.”

Hope said, “You know saying that it is likely to get around.”

“Well, it might as well be known,” he said. I wonder if the school will allow me the option of being her at times?”

Hope said, “I thought that was the reason for the fingernails yesterday. You know we were wanting to be Caryn’s friends? We could be Gary’s friends if Sarai won’t mind?”

I said, “It’s not Sarai’s call, I’m more worried about keeping my guy friends. I now seem to have an easier time talking to girls. Our guys don’t talk as much.”

Hope says, “Tell us something we don’t know. …Would you as Caryn ever consider dating a boy?”

“Don’t ask again; I’m going to act like I didn’t hear that,” Gary said.

The afternoon was only a little different as a couple of girls in most classes acted more as friends.

Gary left early with the cross country team for the meet at Redwood. Once there, he had enough time to stretch and run two-thirds of the course. Coaches Higgins and Butler gave me a clipboard with the list of our runners and wanted me to record their times for the halfway mark.

I quickly made friends with Jennifer O’Donnell from Redwood as she knew the marks for both the girls’ and boys’ runs. She would be doing the same for her team and wanted to know our runners as they passed those points. I guess it is a good sport custom, and she did the same for me.

Jennifer asked, “Do you know Sarai Duvall well, and is she as good as they say?” She laughs at finding that I’m Sarai’s boyfriend and how I got hurt.

“Sarai’s as good as they say, and Patti Duncan is now challenging most of the other girl runners. Patti and I became Sarai’s prodigies and our running has been improving.”

Jennifer says, “Even if it were true most boys wouldn’t acknowledge a girl helped them. You’re not the runner they said was wearing a running skirt, are you?”

The girls ran first and I spotted Sarai near the front a hill away, over two hundred meters away. Jennifer gave me a hard time for cheering Sarai on. Sarai only smiled, I knew she would keep her concentration. Redwood’s best girl was over twenty seconds behind her. Leesa was our last runner. While her time wasn’t good, I had learned from Jennifer, it wasn’t bad for a girl who hadn’t been doing the competitive running.

That information served me well during the boys’ race, I hadn’t been a fan of Trevor’s. Trevor was usually our last runner and he would be again today. Today, as he was passing by I, encouraged him to relax and stretch his stride. “Trevor, have fun and go get your best time.”

Talking to Jennifer was new for me. Even Coach and Sarai commented when they saw Jennifer and I walking back together. Sarai giggled when Jennifer said, “I hope to see you sometime Caryn.” I hadn’t heard my other name being used.

I asked, “What made you call me that? No one else called me that today.”

Jennifer quickly apologized, “I’m sorry if I shouldn’t have said it, but in the past two hours it felt like I met the two of you. I just wanted you to know that it was nice to meet you.”

Now I felt a bit bad, “That was nice of you. This was just the first day I’m fully Gary again. It has been a long day, I guess I’m touchy.”

I was now by Sarai and I gave her a big hug of congratulations. Her time was good enough for first but not her best run. I said, “So what are you not going to relax and enjoy it?” ‘Thanks, coach, I needed that.’

Jennifer asked her, “Did you relax or get hurt? You were running really well when you passed Gary.”

“It’s personal, but I relaxed. I took one path the state meet is going to use.”

“That was not relaxing, even the state people are sure they want that near the end of the race,” Jennifer said. It sounded like she knew what she was talking about. “You even added thirty meters to your run.”

“It made the run interesting and the race closer.” I asked how close, and Sarai said, “I won by five meters with a sprint.”

Coach Higgins looked like he heard that, but didn’t say anything there. Riding back with the team, it was the first time Sarai rested leaning on me. April from Hollyhock was the one who sprinted with her to make it a race.

Coach Higgins tried to excuse me to the back of the bus as he wanted to talk to Sarai about what happened. She insisted I stay as she told the Coach what she did. He asked, “How did you know that’s a proposed route?”

She said, “You marked it on your chart and I saw that yesterday. It’s okay coach, I felt it was worth running.” She changed the subject, “Did you see how well Gary did his practice run?”

“Yes, Gary, you did well. How are the legs feeling?” Learning they were well, he said, “Even if you feel ready Saturday, I don’t want you running full speed.” I agreed, but I knew if I was well that I’d find that difficult.

Sarai gave me a ride home and asked as she let me out, “Are you looking forward to dressing up for your cousin Thursday?”

I said, “She’s only going to talk to me; my Mom has pictures of me as Caryn if Megan needs to see them?” Sarai had her sarcastic giggle as she drove away.

Katie and both my parents were glad to hear about my practice run and how my day as Gary went. Katie was the one to break the ice, asking, “So what aren’t you telling us?” …She paused before asking, “Did you miss Caryn?”

“I thought we were to give my femme side a rest.”

“Yes, but Mom and I both thought that would be hard,” she said. “We even thought you’d put on something of Caryn’s when you went to bed.”

I told mom and Katie about keeping the time chart and visiting with Jennifer who knew about me. They were very much surprised when I told them about my encouraging Trevor. Mom jokes, “It looks like Sarai caused you to change even more. You’re thinking of others and making new friends, like Jennifer and Trevor.”

Mom asked, “Tell me about Jennifer?”

I said, “She’s a junior; she’s attractive but doesn’t really think so. She loves music and wants to go into engineering. We will make a point of saying hello at the State Meet when it’s held there. Why?”

Mom says, “Gary has had trouble saying he made a new friend.” Katie and mom both giggle. I went and showered and I found Caryn’s nightwear on my bed when I got back to my room. I did put it on but put on Gary’s robe to get something to eat.

Wednesday and school on Thursday were pretty normal I did practice with Sarai both mornings. The mornings were cold and it was only Sarai’s philosophy that made it fun. We jogged the route on Wednesday and Thursday I ran the full course, but not full speed. We became giggly and kissed, as two girls celebrating that I’d be ready to run. Ashley had driven up, bringing hot cocoa, and saw us as we broke our embrace.

Ashley remarked, “Of course Gary would relax and be happy when Caryn is regularly embraced like this. I see only the outer trappings are Gary.” I worked harder to deny that’s what happened. Sarai calmly acknowledged it was only to celebrate that Gary’s leg has healed enough to run.

Ashley asked, “But will you be wearing your running skirt come Saturday?” It was Sarai who first accredited the skirt on Saturday to the coach and team not wanting me to change my good fortune.

When I returned home to dress for school Katie already knew I was ready to run and the same was true for friends and teammates at school. Principal Collins, once again, met me between classes. “You know we’re glad you are back running. I need to caution you however not to overdo the running and reinjure your leg.”

I got my ride home from Katie on Thursday. We weren’t out of the school parking lot before she said, “You know you should change into one of Caryn’s outfits to see if Megan recognizes you.”

“I’ve let my face go since Sunday; I’d have to do too much work to look right.”

“Boy,” Katie said, “look who’s got a bad taste of vanity.”

“I do not. It’s just if I expect her to be fooled, I’d have to work to make a believable girl,” I said.

Katie hit quick dial on her phone, Mom answered, “Katie, what’s so important you called me at work? I’ll be home soon enough.”

“Mom, you said I could call if Gary resists dressing as Caryn. Well, he’s doing that.”

”Gary, are you there and able to hear me?” I confirmed that before my mother continued, “I thought you were looking forward to being Caryn for Megan. Dress nicely as she not only wants to see Caryn but see how she does when we go out to eat.”

“Mom, I don’t want to go out in public.”

Mom changed the subject, “I expect to see Caryn when Megan arrives. And oh, by the way, no less than three people stopped by the store telling me how important it would be for you to be back running before that state cross-country tournament. I guess Matt and others are talking you up around the school district.”

“Mom, I felt really good after running this morning. I think I’ll be able to compete.” Mom reminded me that I had told her this morning.

We were soon home and Katie even ran a bubble bath. She strongly recommended I shave my legs. Once in the bath, I couldn’t help but fall back into girl mode. Katie’s bubble bath oils in the hot water made me relax and the razor skims over my legs and moistens my legs so that they glowed again.

Katie had dipped into her closet and found a short dark blue satin skirt out for me to wear. Then it was between a puffy white sweater and a multi-color print that would give the illusion of cleavage. I wasn’t excited about being out in that, but I didn’t trust myself out eating in a white sweater.

Once I was out and dry, Katie told me to start on my makeup that she’d be back to check up on me. I decided to use makeup that brought out the reddish-orange of the blouse while keeping my face with a light soft glow. I was painting my nails when I felt Katie’s presence back behind me. I asked, “What do you think, does this work well together or should I start over?”

The voice that registered wasn’t Katie’s. “I think it goes very well together, but I wasn’t expecting you to know makeup this well,” Cousin Megan was speaking. I looked up and saw her smiling face in the mirror before I stood up and turned around to greet her. I was glad that I had on my bra and a white camisole. We hugged and our chests hitting made the encounter awkward for me.

I scolded Katie, “You should have warned me this is embarrassing!”

Megan grabbed Katie’s hand, “I’m glad she didn’t. Even your mother said it would be okay to surprise you like this.” I guess Mom was the one who let Megan in unannounced. Katie received a message from them to come out of the room and take Megan back.

I quickly had the skirt on and was somewhat comfortable as I finished my makeup. Katie and Megan both agreed my makeup and nail polish worked well with the blouse. Megan used a makeup triangle to even out some makeup. She helped me with the blouse; and where I wanted it buttoned up, she insisted the three top and the bottom button should be unbuttoned.

I tried it as she suggested and I agreed it looked better that way and it was like I had noticed on other girls. Katie said, and Mom agreed it made me look more girl-like.

Dad supposedly had a meeting so we were to go out to eat with Megan, Katie, Grandma Edwards. It was the first time Mom called us the Edwards girls. Megan gave me one thing different to wear and that was new stockings. Megan asked permission to stay as I put them on, I did go to the bathroom to take my pantyhose off. I was back out and at Katie’s vanity seat to put on the stockings. I poked my toes into the tip so things were properly aligned as I proceeded to roll them up to my feet and legs. I did not hide the giggle in my voice, I was happy as they glided up my legs. Being able to put them on one at a time makes stockings easier and more pleasurable to put on than pantyhose. These were a better quality like I wore to homecoming. It made the experience extra delightful.

Megan remarked, “You even enjoy them like a regular girl. I thought you have only been dressing for three weeks.” Meg raised an eyebrow, wanting me to say more.

“I’ve dressed as a girl for Halloween and when I was younger for a school play,” I admitted. But Megan insisted it had to be something more.

She said, “We did it when we were together four or five summers ago. You protested but not too much. You even wore some short skirts and learned to stand up better, if I’m not mistaken,”

I was done and Megan and I went down to wait in the living room. Megan must have taken a picture and sent it to her Grandmother. Grandmother called me to say I made an attractive teenager. Grandmother insisted on talking to me and I’m sure we talked over ten minutes which was a minor miracle for me.

A moment before we were to leave there was a person at the door, and I found out that Sarai had been invited. On the way to Grandmother’s, Megan addressed Sarai; “I am glad you helped bring out this side of Gary. However, don’t you ever do anything to hurt her.” More softly she said, “I doubt this will go on forever, but you are his/her first love. It should all be good memories.”

Sarai said, “We’re forever friends; we’ll have a lot of good firsts.” Everyone noticed mom turn her face and change her facial expression. Nothing more was said and the discussion changed.

Grandma Edwards was tickled to see me dressed as I was. She lives in the town where we’re to eat. Instead of a grandmother who might not want a transgender daughter to be seen by her friends. Grandmother was known to be a progressive woman. Though she had walked out to our SUV, she insisted I get out and show her the nice young woman I was. Thai Garden was within two miles and everyone felt comfortable going there. I had settled on enjoying myself.

We ordered different entrees and would share them around the table. Where my mom, sister, and grandmother often did this it was the first time for me. We sat and visited as we finished our meal.

Megan asked me directly, “So are you willing to be one of my bridesmaids?” I asked what it entailed and she told me “You and Katie would need to take part in the fittings for the gowns, and you would have to go to the salon like any of the girls in the bridal party.”

“It sounds fun, sure I am willing to do that little bit.”

Megan turned to my mom and asked, “Caryn has agreed. Are you willing to give up your two girls for two weeks, and allow him to be Caryn all that time? I’d like her as Caryn all that time. My fiancée Brett told his Mom and she knows about Caryn but her estranged husband does not. He might give trouble with his sister Adrian taking part if he knew. Adrian doesn’t care, she’s looking forward to meeting Caryn. But with her still being seventeen then, her dad can still technically stop her.”

I spoke up saying, “I thought it would be three days; what’s with two weeks?”

Megan said, “I thought your sister spoke to you. I thought two weeks as Caryn would be fun for you. Plus it would allow you to immerse yourself in being a girl and the simple things could become second nature to you by the time of the wedding. I hope that will be alright with you?”

I could see Megan becoming anxious. I looked to Katie, who whispered to me, “I told you Sunday when we came back from dinner.” I tried to remember and finally did, ‘She had mentioned two weeks around Megan’s wedding, but I had tuned her out thinking she was talking about herself. But I now remembered her saying ‘we, not I’.

Mom turned to me, “Caryn are you still willing to do it?” …I looked to Megan, as I took time to think it through.

Megan said, “Yes. It is up to you. I don’t want to stress you out. We’ll figure something out for the wedding. I’m sorry but since I thought of it; I’ve treasured the idea. I was even planning for you to be like my little sister for two weeks. I also thought of having you at college for the sisters’ weekend this spring. I got ahead of myself, I guess I was being selfish.”

“Mom, I’d like to try all of it, but we need to talk to the doctors about things not changing…”

To be continued…

Sarai was the first to show her unabashed joy for me. “That will be good for you. Now you can spend most of your time now being Gary. The idea of having some things to look forward to as Caryn should keep any pressure to be her from building up.” We took Sarai to her house.

Once we get back home, Katie, Megan, and I get ready for bed. My cousin insists I cleanse my skin and then use a moisturizer. She pins up my hair. All the while, Katie was on her computer talking to someone. I didn’t know they both had their computer cameras on when she called me over. It was Ashley and she was amused by how Megan had me prepared for the night. Ashley’s comment was, “Let’s see how many girls at school notice the difference tomorrow?”

Needless to say, I did not stay around and talk. Megan implied and I agreed I was lucky to have the support of some girls as friends.

The next morning, I went and was back from my run with Sarai and Patti Duncan. It was our pre-meet ritual of a more casual run to stay loose.

Megan was up and ready to leave for Grandmother’s as we were up getting ready for school. “Gary it is amazing how well you change over to your boy self.”

I asked my mom if it was noticeable that I used the cleanser and moisturizer on my face? Mom insisted, “No. It would take someone looking close to see the difference.” That made me feel better and more relaxed in going to school.

However, it wasn’t long after I got to school Hope, Monica and other girls complimented me for taking care of my skin. Sarai explained that my Mom told me what she did so that I wouldn’t make a fuss about going to school.

I was now annoyed about having Saturday meets as it meant I couldn’t date on Friday night and stay out late. Tonight was the first Friday I was invited over to eat with Sarai. We watched, The Lion King, and I was on my way home by eight.

Saturday every runner up early as it was a two-hour journey to High Point. The long trip made stretching that much harder but more important. There were two schools from across the state line, runners that we nothing of. One guy named Jeffries gave me a hard time about wearing a running skirt. An official even questioned Coach Higgins about allowing me to do so.

The girls ran and despite Sarai and Patti having slow starts they did very well.

Come time for us guys to run and with Jeffries hassling me, I knew I needed to do well as or better than him and finish the race. I had decided to run even with Jeffries but seeing Coach Butler at the halfway mark, I decided I would finish running at a faster pace. Having run easy the first half, I had more strength when others were getting tired. It felt good passing others but I knew I was behind my regular pace. Come to the end, I could have tied Chuck. I also knew I could reinjure my leg in doing so. Instead, I finished twentieth.

Coach Higgins and many of my teammates congratulated me for completing the course and were happy that I wasn’t sore.

I saw Jeffries and another runner who hassled me. I was tempted to give them a hard time, instead, I was content having Sarai to hug. Sarai suggested that Jefferies possibly had a crush on me. Her suggestion didn’t amuse me, but Sarai was up-front in talking to me. “You know the more Caryn comes forward it is possible that you might find boys more attractive? Likewise, some boy might be taking an interest in you.”

I congratulated Trevor upon learning he had his best time two meets in a row. It was also to change our conversation. There was no way I was talking about personal things on the team bus.

We stopped at Sparta to get something to eat and the girls found some shops to browse through. The girls had found some plaid kilt skirts. I was surprised one shop had a ‘Miller’ plaid kilt and the girls insisted I try it on. It was only when I came out of the changing room that I found out I had tried on a woman’s skirt. It would be Christmas before I found that Sarai had bought it for me.

We had the conference meet Tuesday and the district meet on Saturday. I wasn’t worried about the conference meet instead I saw it as a chance to improve. I did get a hard time from one sportswriter insistent on calling me, transgender. I didn’t mind, except that he was implying that I was taking hormones that were not allowed for high school runners.

What followed was embarrassing as the state athletic association pressured me into having a blood test taken. We knew there wouldn’t be any drugs found in my system but it leaked out from the press that I did have a higher than normal amount of estrogen for a guy. Not only did it make the sportswriter’s newspaper and blog but was picked up by others as well.

I didn’t see it, but when we went to church, several commented, whether it was online, in a newspaper, or radio I didn’t know. One woman was trying to joke with me when she said, “Now we know why you were comfortable wearing skirts.” She followed me when I walked away, and she apologized if she offended me.

I told her, “I guess, I need to get used to people second-guessing why I did things. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I used to be friends with your niece Marcy. If she hears about it I hope she doesn’t worry about how she and I were friends.”

Mrs. Reuther said, “She and I talked the other week. They’ve moved again with her father being in the service. She told me you were friends and she worried that she might have been a bad influence on you.” She and I laughed that Marcy and I were worried about each other.

She said, “Marcy wanted to come here during her mid-semester break if you were running this coming week.”

“We run in the districts Saturday at New Brunswick. As far as her influencing me, my understanding it isn’t what anyone did to me. Rather it is the way I’m wired. When I younger I was worried that I was weird because of the way I felt. Marcy was a good friend. I’m lucky to have the support of Katie and my parents.”

The next week at school began a new normal as others in the school knew some more about me, and filled in missing information with their imagination. Some even thought I was now a girl from outward appearance. Tuesday an unpredicted storm came in cut off the power and only emergency lights at school. Phone lights went on making the halls and rooms look like a fairyland. Girls were talking to someone else and the boys turned to games. I received texts from Katie, Sarai, and other girls.

The running team went to the conference meet, but we took two buses as the girls’ meet was at Franklin Township ours was at Metuchen. Things weren’t bad but I did get hassled more and other coaches were complaining about my being able to race. The Meet was going to be held under protest with my running under question. The state athletic association however said the matter had already been scrutinized and settled.

I was relaxed and ready as the starter gun went off. The first mile, I was bumped twice and cut-off another two times. Fortunately, as I made it up to the front pack; the lead runners were more focused on placing and keeping a good pace. I had run a faster pace and was almost always in sight of Matt. I was twenty seconds above my fastest time. It was good for my ego but I was afraid of pulling a muscle. I settled in my pace and was passed by two runners but I moved past five as they tired.

One of the two runners who had passed me was Chuck which spoke well for our school in placing runners. Once in sight of the finish line, I quickened my pace but not as fast as I would for Districts or State. There was one runner, Riley, I beat and it was my first time in three years. Riley and I talked after the meet. He said to me, “I thought you were going to save yourself for the Districts?”

“I got hassled and bumped at the start and it threw me off my race plan,” I told him.

Riley said, “I saw one of the times you were bumped; you did a good job staying on your feet. I can vouch for it happening if you’d like.”

I did tell an official as two of the runners would go on to the District run. I said, “I don’t want to have them kicked out, but I would like them to be warned against it happening again.” The head of the athletic association agreed with the remedy.

Ashley had come to this meet and had Sarai visually on her iPhone. Sarai had won the conference crown for girls, having her best run so far. She was very happy as well as amused to see Gary from a distance. “You know from a distance you look like Caryn in a running skirt with her blouse pulled down around it.” As Gary, I threatened to take off his jersey but was warned not to do so.

My parents were there; my Mom said, “We didn’t let you know we were here, because we wanted you to decide how you were running the route without worrying about us.” It was great to know they came and I was impressed by how sensitive they were. “Katie says, she’s proud of you and glad you’re back running so well. And she agreed with Sarai, that you looked like Caryn with your jersey pulled out. That will need to go in your portfolio for when you graduate.”

Our guys’ team van got back to the school within a half-hour of the girl’s bus and it was a big celebration all the way around. Sarai had gotten first and Patti made her first top ten finish. Matt had placed second, Chuck placed tenth, I was twentieth. Brad and Lionel place well and we were the top guys’ team with four runners qualifying for the District meet. That was a school best.

Ms. Bradley encouraged Sarai and me to cool down our public displace. Sarai commented as she slapped my butt, “Nice panty Caryn!” Which brought remarks from both coaches to cool down our behavior in public. It was strongly conveyed it included the remainder of the season.

Ms. Bradley took me aside, “Gary, you’ve been through a lot the past couple of months, including coming out socially. I don’t mean to be rude, but socially you’re acting more like a junior high person discovering adolescence. We appreciate all you’re going through. It’s even exasperated by the discovery you might be transgender. If there’s any way I can be of help to you: running, personally, or coming back from your injury, please let me know if I can be a support for you.”

I asked, “Why is Coach Higgins not the one talking to me?”

She smiled, “I think he’s less sure how to handle your issues. He’s trying to focus on dealing with the state athletic association, compliance, and the next two meets. Ms. Harper the school’s Psychologist is also available for help.”

I called my parents to give me a ride home and also to visit with Ms. Bradley. Mom came along and Dad was not there. The three of us had an informal discussion. My mother thanked her as did I, saying, “It is good to have another person whom we can talk to.”

Mom asked me, “If you’d ever want to experience a mother/daughter time like Katie and I have, please let me know.”

“I wouldn’t mind mom, could the three of us do it,” I asked, meaning with Katie? I guess mom and Katie had talked and there were somethings I probably wouldn’t want to discuss with my sister present

This Saturday would be the Districts and the following Saturday would be the State Meet at the Redwood course. The rest of the week, the attention went to the football team. It was like our making the districts and then going to the state meet didn’t count.

Thursday was Halloween, which to a high school student isn’t that big. But it gave me a chance to dress like a girl. Sarai, Ashley, and Katie helped me dress as some cheerleaders in the movie Perfect Pitch. When I asked why all they said is you can’t get away with wearing the tight panty of a superhero. They fluffed and got big curls in my hair. My lips were made red and they used something causing them to be fuller.

The vice-principal was going to force me to wear a longer skirt until Sally Jones the head cheerleader co-opted me onto their team for the day including the pep-rally. She had fun getting me to stretch, kick, and move my hips for different cheers. Melissa, both a friend and cheerleader, was feeling sick. I watched her often enough they put me in her place. While Melissa doesn’t have to worry about me taking her job; she cheered me on and coached me from the audience. There were at least two football players who were unhappy about me cheering for them. We exchanged words, and I stayed away from them.

Hope unofficially volunteered to be my chaperone in going to classes. Supposedly, the vice-principal insisted I have one as he was worried that I was doing this to cause trouble. He insinuated if I got into trouble, Hope would be in trouble. It actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Hope Stanz and I got better acquainted and were friends by the end of the day. She helped me with becoming friends with others in our class. Most of my new friends were girls, but Keith and Paul were exceptions to that. Keith’s a popular basketball; Paul, already in the honor society is well-liked as well. Paul is not into any sports, he was surprised as he thought I had died or transferred to another school.

Paul suggested since I liked role-playing I should try out for the spring play. He joked that while I looked like Anna Kendrick, she had better moves. I was about ready to move my hips and do a kick or two, Hope whispered not to. “Did you watch Pitch Perfect? Anna played one of the cheerleaders.”

I had seen the second movie a couple of weeks earlier with Sarai, Ashley and friends.

Friday morning Sarai, Patti, and two other girls, plus myself did our pre-meet run. Sarai and I ran about two-thirds speed, which was slow enough that all of us ran the course together. School itself was an average Friday with two quizzes. I have so far been able to juggle keeping my grades up along with cross-country, injuries, and embracing my identity as Caryn.

A relatively new interest was window shopping on Friday afternoons with Sarai or my sister. Today, I got a new pair of jeans for Gary.

Saturday’s trip to our cross-county district run in New Brunswick is what I’ve been waiting for since I began running with Sarai. Sarai surprised me with her strategy as she was wanting to place in the top five but not win districts. I was more excited for her than she seemed to be. There were people from three colleges there that were seeking to recruit her.

She gave a great accounting of herself in placing third, but as one recruiter verbalized: “I thought she had a better kick than that to finish?” I couldn’t stop to tell the woman from the Midwest.

“Did you stop to think she has a bigger strategy,” I suggested? She asked but I had left to line up for my race.

I was third in line for our team in starting and it meant I will initially be bac in the pack. We did get a better start than usual as Chuck did a better job in getting out behind Matt. I still needed to wind my way through the congestion and not exhaust myself in doing so. My sister Katie was the first one up ahead and to the side, “Lengthen your stride Caryn and enjoy your run.” Caryn instead of Gary, just in case there was another Gary, I guess.

I was in sight of Coach Butler and others as I was worked my way out of the congestion and began catching some in front. The storm from home was drawing closer to our meet. A light rain was making the course wet. I decided to run to catch my second wind early, but could I hold on at the end. By those gathering by the side, I knew we were getting closer. I passed Chuck who dropped in behind me. We were passing runners who were some of the best on their team. Despite getting my second wind my lungs and legs were hurting. I didn’t have another kick but I was able to maintain my pace. Once across the finish line, I heard I finished ninth. Looking behind hoping Chuck was right behind me he was running nine, ten, eleven seconds behind me.

Matt had finished first and we were easily the fastest threesome of any team. Sarai and Patti and two other girls from our team ran up and jumped on us in celebration. Soon Marcy Reuther was there giving me hugs and a kiss. I knew Sarai was getting upset as she didn’t recognize her.

“Sarai, I want to introduce you to Marcy Reuther, she’s…”

Marcy spoke up giggling as she said it, “I’m the older woman in Caryn’s… Gary’s life.” Sarai’s eyes were shifting back and forth from Marcy to me. Marcy grabbing Sarai into a hug relieved the tension. “I was a neighbor girl four years older than him when he was growing up and we were playmates. I think I was the first to get him to play in skirts when he was six and seven. Then I moved and he went back to being his shy self.”

Sarai and Marcy went walking off as I went to get some fruit and water to replenish myself. My parents and Katie found me there. Matt and received a gold medallion, the next four runners got silver and I and fifteen others got bronze medallions. The best news for me came from Coach, “Barring, you reinjuring your legs you will be second in line next week. Matt wants to see if you can pace him for more of the race at State.” He did ask that I not share that information as he would be the one to announce it Wednesday or Thursday.

Sarai, her folks, and a recruiter took them out to lunch and they were not on the team bus as we returned to our school. Matt, though exhausted, was the team leader keeping us pumped up on our way back.

Story to be continued…

The gathering Saturday night was at Sarai Duvall’s. Sarai was happy but said we were a week early. She said, “The time to celebrate will be next week after the state meet.” From recruiters, to her family, to the team, classmates and community everyone was proud of her.

Something for me was different; I was dressed as Gary, but talking with the girls I felt more and more like Caryn. I noticed how they were dressed, how they did their hair and I was listening to their talking about their boyfriends and who liked who. Sarai nudged me, “Ground control to Gary, where are you?”

She said to me, “One, I want to thank you for suggesting to the recruiter that I had a strategy. The recruiters were not my worry as I ran the course. You must have remembered the one you spoke to from a month ago. I’m glad you’re here but partially surprised you’re not off celebrating with the boys. You might have been up there with Matt if you didn’t start back in the pack.”

“I could still get there if you want. But, I feel so comfortable here. I feel like I should have come as Caryn.” Sarai snuggled me, “Yeah, I saw her look on your face.”

I soon excused myself, saying I was going to catch up with the guys. But it wasn’t my intention. I drove around for a while, thinking I’d go home. Then found me at the pizza place Matt was at. It felt strange, I didn’t feel like I was one of the guys tonight. Matt was cheerful saying, “Hey Gary, where have you been. Everybody’s been missing you.”

Chuck said, “I thought you probably went to Sarai’s first. Don’t you feel out of place over there?”

Matt guarded his words, “With the two of you I have two of the faster runners, pressing me to do my best! I want to congratulate you both on how well you’ve done this year.” There were some cheers and applause that soon died down.

I lifted my drink to lead a cheer with. “Matt, you have one more run for us and you’ll be on the All-State Team. You’ve set the pace for all of us. We’re your team; everyone congratulates the man of the hour, our runner of the year, and one week from our #1 runner at state!” The cheers and yells went up and held for a good two minutes.

It hit me I would be the top returning guy for next year and Patti Duncan would be the top girl. Being a guy didn’t look so bad thinking of it like that. Trevor stopped me, “Hey Gary, I promise I’ll go out for track and be a better runner for next year’s team. I want to thank you for encouraging me earlier in the season.” Lionel spoke, “Man I was impressed by how you came back after you lost that silly bet. I’m not planning on wearing any skirt, but you impressed me. You’ll have my vote for team captain.”

I said, “Let me finish this year and let us get on Matt’s bandwagon and finish the season behind him.”
It ended up being one of my better nights by the time I left for home I was comfortable with having been at Sarai’s and now with the guys.

Once home, my mom asked, “Where were you, Katie called saying you were coming home early from Sarai’s.” I explained that I drove around and then went to be with the members of the boys’ team. Mom says, “That sounds like a healthy thing to do if Gary and Caryn are both continuing. But was there more to why you left Sarai’s?”

“Mom, they were talking about their hair, clothes, and boyfriends. I was envious of the hair and clothes and I’m not interested in boys. But when Sarai stepped out of the room they asked me if I was interested in boys yet? Well, I’m not and don’t intend to be. I waited until Sarai was back and then excused myself.”

Sunday when we attended church, some people even mentioned they missed Caryn that I made a good girl. Marcy Reuther rescued me and drove me home. She gave me a gift from her and her aunt. There was a pair of Marcy’s earrings and a new skirt outfit. Mom insisted I model it for her and Katie. We all agreed that Marcy had good tastes in clothes. Finally, my dad requested, can you come down as Caryn and show me the clothes. I might not understand everything, but we’re a family and I don’t want to be out of the loop. I am glad that I have you back as Gary, but there’s more to you than that.”

We had one of our better family times and it was well after midnight before we went to bed.

I was up early to run with Sarai; I was there before her and Patti to where we ran. I was wearing Katie’s old leggings as well as my running skirt. Both Sarai and Patti were amused. I quickly dispel their questions if Caryn was going to school. ‘No, she wasn’t.’

The football team won their game Friday night and got the lion's share of attention. Matt and Sarai and three of the rest of us running in the State meets were hardly noticed.

Sarai, Ashley, Patti, and I went shopping after school. I was looking for something colorful in the way of a coat. Sarai found a colorful shirt styled coat with strips of many colors. I wondered if I really wanted it. I tried it on and quickly thought it was me.

It was a heavyweight corduroy, and I was able to find a medium that would allow me to wear regular clothes or my cross-country stuff underneath. Ashley raised the thought, “You know not every guy would be brave or crazy enough to wear that? Some guys will hassle you if you wear it.”

I asked, “Are you going to be too embarrassed to be around me when I wear that? It is for me and not as Caryn.”

Ashley said, “I would hope you think better of me than that. I even saw a pair of unisex jeans in the light blue or orange that would be good with it.”

Sarai said, “If you get the two of them you should get a white blouse to embrace Caryn as well.” The coat wasn’t that expensive, but the jeans didn’t come cheap and the nice white satin blouse we agreed on put it close to $200, which would be expensive for me.

I tried all three on and had a photo of me taken and sent to Katie, ‘What do you think?’

I quickly got a reply, “If you need money, I’m in for twenty from my savings. You should buy unisex shoes for the outfit.”

I soon had a message from mom, “I’ll help with the shoes if you get them.” I did try on shoes but there were three pairs and I decided to wait until I was sure which pair I wanted. No sooner than I was home and Katie saw the three pairs that I tried on. She not only chose the one I was leaning to buy but showed a dress and two of Caryn’s outfits that went great with it. There were the jeans and two outfits of Gary’s that I liked with them.

I wore the jeans, and coat to school on Thursday. I received a note before lunch to get my lunch and to bring it to Principal Collins’ office. ‘No, you are not in trouble.’ There was a smiley face showing on my note.

She was out to greet me as I carried my food tray to her office. I looked into her office before I went in. Therewith his food tray was Coach Higgins. He had looked up, smiled, and waved me in. Principal Collins closed the door behind her and began to speak. She said, “Gary, we’re not sure where or how you’re going to come to do in coming out. Your Coach and I do want you to know we are in support of your journey. Neither of us thinks it’s going to be easy for you, but your journey to explore possibilities will set a tone for others, and how this school is going to foster it is going to be important for us.”

I spoke up, “I don’t think me being me, will make it easy or difficult for you. I know not everyone likes what I do. My Momma’s afraid I or others around me might hurt or threaten. I don’t want that but I don’t think I can just stop being me.”

Coach Higgins joked, “Well, I think I’m safe for at least another year. We’re set to have our best season on record, I don’t think they’ll fire or demote me this year.”

I joked, “Next year will be tough, we will only have two state qualifiers coming back.”

“Enough, let us eat and just lightly talk,” said the Principal. She did comment on my coat asking where I bought it.

Coach said, “Did you realize how much Matt improved after you first ran in the running skirt? It wasn’t the skirt, but your newfound spirit. He’s enjoyed running more and he’s been nicer to Pam too. Better colleges have been noticing him as a prospect.”

I said, “Matt being happier has made her happier.”

The coach said, “You can ask him, but I think you showing respect to Sarai, kind of caused Matt to change. His change made their relationship better and him a better runner. He hadn’t run to please her since they first dated last year. But that’s my thought and it's between us.”

Before our time was over, Coach said, “I can’t say when I was your age that I treated boys who were different very well. It wasn’t until a good friend at college got hurt because he came out. I have a lot of respect for you. I do not want you to get hurt, I want you to know I’m a friend as well as a coach. I wasn’t sure how to safely convey that. Principal Collins helped us to have this time.”

It was the first time I remembered tearing as Gary. That Principal Collins gave me a lace handkerchief wasn’t lost in the moment either.

A funny result of us getting together was how many people I needed to assure that I’m not in trouble. It was reassuring to me to know they were open and supportive. Even Sarai wouldn’t believe me at first. We had gone to her house to study after school. Sarai went upstairs to change and I got out my tablet and a reading book.

Mrs. Duvall greeted me as she was at home, “Is it Gary or Caryn that we have the pleasure of having this afternoon?”

My reply was, “Can’t you tell by looking at me?”

She said, “Yes, I see you’re Gary by outer appearance, but I wasn’t sure.” I smile.

“Mrs. Duvall, doesn’t it bother you that I have a feminine side as well? You were right to question, Caryn’s here too.”

She lightly laughed, “You’re the one she’s taken too; somehow she looked past your demeanor as that quick mouthed shy boy and saw you for more. You were either going to be a happier and better runner or be the motivation for her to improve her running. I don’t think anyone expected both to the level you have risen to.” We continued to talk, and she asked, “Did you know Caryn was down inside waiting to come out?”

I was becoming uncomfortable dressed as Gary to be talking so much as Caryn. I hesitated. I felt a breeze come over me, like a spirit. “Yes, like now, I’m very much Caryn as well as Gary. I like being dressed as Caryn when speaking of myself. But ‘no’, I thought I had been pushed this part so far down. I was surprised Sarai’s actions let me come to the surface. My male ego found a way to wrap myself in that running skirt. Day by day that first week things came together and I started to embrace my identity.”

She said, “But even by the end of that week, I don’t think you were accepting Caryn was really you?”

“You’re right,” I said, “even when I was getting closer to homecoming, I thought Caryn would magically disappear because she couldn’t be me. Yet I was yearning to be Caryn, she was outgoing and made friends easier. Things were still awkward for Gary. Most of my new friends were girls. Some guys were hanging around because I was running well.”

Sarai spoke up behind me, she had changed and back down. She remarked, “I never heard you talk so much as Caryn while dressed as Gary. I hope that speaks of your comfort level, accepting that you’re one person.” Sarai came up to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek as her mom was there. She whispered, “You could ask my mom if you could change into one of my skirts. Otherwise, we should get studying.”

We studied until 5:00 when Sarai brought two magazines, one was all about fashion, while the other was for teen girls. Some fashion and some about boys that girls were interested in. Sarai asked which of the boys Caryn would like. “I’m sure you’ve heard there are some boys interested in going out with you.”

When I denied hearing any such thing; she said, “Isn’t Neal part of your group of friends? Ashley said she was there when he acknowledged being fond of Caryn? Neal said, once, when his feelings were hurt Caryn consoled him, by telling him he’s an attractive boy. Neal thanked you and hugged you.”

I said, “That was two weeks ago and nothing came of it. That was me not Caryn. Neal knew I was just being a friend.”

I soon called Katie and got a ride home. Katie knew I was upset about something, but I refused to talk about it.

Friday was finally here and I was so anxious about the meet. Not only would I wear my multi-colored coat, and cute shoes. “Mom, I have the urge to wear the satin blouse along with the orange skirt that Katie gave me.”

Mom said, “I’ll need to write a note permitting you to be Caryn today. Are you wanting to acknowledge that you’re coming out as transgender? The administration knows it, but this will serve as notice to your friends and classmates. Are you ready for that?”

Katie spoke up, “I think she got up extra early so she can do it right. I think he should send a note to Coach Higgins as well as Sarai. Someone should be ready for Caryn showing up.” It was a good idea; I was surprised I hadn’t thought of it.

“To Coach Higgins, I am coming to school as Caryn today. It’s just a whim, it will be Gary tomorrow for the state meet at Redwood. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m telling you, not asking. I can’t guarantee it won’t be Caryn next year. Respectfully, Gary”

I called Sarai, “Hi Sarai, I’m calling to let you know, I’m coming to school as Caryn. Mom’s written me a note for the school that officially says I’m transgender. I expect Ms. Jacobi will better understand why I like women’s studies. She's my second teacher, I’m hoping she will hear it first from me.”

Sarai says, “I’m glad to hear it. I’m just a little nervous that you’re doing this because of me. I never intended to have you turn into a girl. I know we’ve talked about it, but this is earlier than anything we talked about.”

I tell her that I’m wearing the harvest gold skirt with the leaf print blouse. It was attractive, but more of an everyday fall outfit.

I get a reply from Coach Higgins, “I’d rather you not, but thanks at least for giving me a heads-up.”

I was on my camera phone with Sarai and she helped me as my makeup would be different. I am sure she was more certain how my look would turn out for me.

Once at school Brad Harms was the first to roughly get across to me. “Gary, you already went too far, you’re not embarrassing the school again. You’re a fair runner nothing more. You get way too much attention. I won’t let you represent us like you are.” He grabbed my purse, trying to get me to drop my tablet as well. I held onto both, though I heard the strap brake.

“Brad stop it; I’m not representing anyone but me. You might not like it but this is me. ***t, you broke it.” I knew not to get in a fight that could cause me to be suspended. “Ouch! Don’t pull my hair!” Finally, I squatted on the floor. Brad tried to kick me but I moved and his momentum caused him to fall.

Upon the first teacher and then a security person arriving; I began to stand and survey my damages. Brad had left. My hair was a mess and I was sure my clothes were in disarray. The teacher wanted me to go to the nurse and security wanted me to go to the office. I went back to my locker.

Putting my things down and looking at myself in the mirror on the back of my locker door; I started putting myself back together by brushing my hair back into place. I breathed a sigh of relief when Hope asked me to go with her to one of the girls’ rooms. I was able to unzip my skirt, tuck in my blouse, and align the straps of my bra before putting myself back together. I only partially did my makeup, since Hope said we needed to get going.

I was right Ms. Jacobi was delighted to see me as Caryn. She did qualify her greeting saying, “Being a woman is more about substance than appearance… You know the other person won’t get more than a good talking to. Women, especially T-girls, don’t count.”

Coach asked for me after lunch, saying he was happy I wasn’t really hurt and that it didn’t become a bigger incident. He mentioned my disheveled hose as he wants to make sure I would be able to run.

Sarai had gotten a spare pair of pantyhose to me, and I was able to use Coach Butler’s office to put them on. “Ms. Butler, I just want to be me today. It shouldn’t have been anything special except for me.” Before I could go back to class, Ms. Butler sat with me.

“Caryn, I’m not sure, but I guess they see you as Gary and that Caryn was just for fun and wasn’t to continue.” I wasn’t really expecting an answer: ‘Some people accept me, some might in the future and some probably never would that’s just how it is.’

I saw my sister Katie as I was changing classes. I could tell she was worried about her little sister. I smiled and tried to indicate I was okay, at least for now.

I was happy about the end of the school day. Katie would give me a ride home after several of us went window shopping.

Tomorrow’s the State Meet and Sarai had bought me a panty from the women’s athletic clothes section. It was in our team colors and Sarai likened it to a knight wearing a scarf from the woman I’d be running for…

To be continued… The State Cross-Country Meet

I woke at 4:30 a.m. and I finally got up come 5:00. I took a shower and my mind was consumed with Sarai’s idea of wearing my new panty when I ran the state meet. I had washed it in our sink and let it dry overnight. Between the strength of the panty and wearing a panty shield, I was pretty sure they would hold me nicely tucked away. I put on my regular jersey and then the shorts and finally a running skirt.

I was the first one to the kitchen and put the tea kettle. I got out some granola and made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Tomorrow I would be able to have a normal breakfast. I had two tubes of yogurt to take with me and a bag of almonds.

When the tea kettle began to whistle and I immediately took it off the heat. Mom said, “Pour me a cup too. …The morning is going to start out cold. What are you going to wear to stretch and keep you muscles loose?”

I said, “I’m going to wear our traditional running pants. I’d rather wear Katie’s leggings, but I told Coach I would be Gary all day.” Mom giggle, “I hope Ms. Butler won’t tell him you’re wearing a panty under that running skirt.”

I was ready for my ride with Sarai. There were already three other girls in the vehicle as I was the last to be picked up. Patti like Sarai was running in the meet; Brenda was riding the team bus and Ashley would be with others following the team. Mom had given me a hug and said they would be there before our run at 10.

We had left the school, shortly after 7:00 a.m. in plenty of time to get there and enable the girls to warm up. I warmed up with Sarai and Patti even getting down to my running skirt when they stepped out of their running leggins. Sarai moved my ponytail higher up, while I was with them. “If you get away from others, I want to hear Caryn’s voice.”

Sarai said, “I know Coach is glad to have you behind Matt. It should be great incentive for him to run his best. I want to thank you; you don’t know how important your support for Patti and I have been. You’ve been good for the girls’ cross-country team.” Patti came over to me and gave me a big hug. “Ditto! You being here is like Sarai says, we all appreciate you.”

A young woman went up to Sarai, “I met your friend Gary, when you first ran here. Was he able to qualify for the Districts or the State Meet?”

Sarai said, “Thanks, and yes, he’s in his famed running skirt. I think he mentioned you. Are you Jenifer, or did I remember the name wrong? He’s become more of an encourager and he credits that to you.”

The coach had called me back to be with the guys; he had some instructions for us before he focused on the girls with Coach Butler. "We have friends of the team around the course to give you encouragement and yell out the time. Hopefully, if you ran here earlier you will know if you’re fast or slow. It is all up to you, but know we’re proudly behind you. Matt, get your traditional good jump. Gary, you’re second get a good jump but don’t step on number one. Move to your left as soon as you can and give the opening to the left to Chuck. If anyone falters take up the slack. Matt’s our man, but either of you have the ability to finish in the top ten.”

Coach left, twenty minutes before the girls would line up. Matt had us guys walk out front in a position to cheer on the girls. “They’re going to set a tone for our team, cheer them on. This is the first time in a long time if ever, we’ve had five runners in the state meets. There are other girl athletes in our school who now might run for us next year. They like the respect girls get here, and they like the opportunity to contribute quickly…” Matt caught his breath and a chuckle, “They’re hoping it will be Gary and not Caryn running next year.” His final remark puzzled me, I didn’t think others took me seriously as Caryn. I wanted to ask Matt, what caused him to say it. I decided to wait.

Lionel, Duncan, and James were with us. And we yelled as loud as six guys could, as Sarai and Patti were off with the gun. Sarai was quickly one of the lead runners, and Patti also got off to a fast pace. Up through the halfway point, Sarai was reported to always be one of the top three. There were dampness and wet spots reported along the course. Sarai’s knowledge of the state course might help.

Our guys were scattered over the last third of the course. I was at last year’s meet and I knew that Sarai and the senior girl were supported. Straining to see Sarai, I wasn’t just concerned about her position, but would she have her kick. She was doing well in second position, even better the thumbs up indicated she had a kick left. Once Sarai was up to me and heard me; I was off across the field to the finish line. Fifty meters out Sarai made her move. One runner with her moved as well but she didn’t have Sarai’s kick. Sarai finished first, two full seconds ahead of Abbey Shrock and over ten seconds ahead of the girl who beat her at Districts. Both coaches, Patti, and the other girls swarmed Sarai.

I had to leave to get ready for the boys’ run. If we had been a cross-country powerhouse it would be seen as possible to have two champions from the same school. Out of nine districts, six had one or more runners running similar or faster times than Matt. I could tell Matt started to worry.

I said “Matt you can do this; your best run is still in you. Think of Pam’s hug at the end; know that a guy in a running skirt will be pushing you. I want to know one happier person than me when this is done, you!” I gave him a big hug and a slap on the shoulder.

Five, then ten, and up to the first 25 positions were posted for the girls who ran their race. Focus now shifted to us. Matt did better with fast competition around him. My biggest fear would be if Matt twisted an ankle or pulled a muscle. I was planning to enjoy my fastest run while pushing Matt to his best. It would be good to see Chuck compete against me, but no one behind me was in my thoughts.

I was giving Matt 2 feet between us and I lean toward the guy on my right. I wondered what other runners were thinking, ‘then I heard ‘ready, set,’ and then a pistol shot.’ Everyone was fast, some went out quickly, others set a fast pace. I was soon to Matt’s right but not quite even with him. Several runners had told Matt and us we weren’t in their league. It was true, we’d have to run our best races to beat them. Hearing their remarks were an incentive.

Coming up to the halfway point, I was running well and when I heard Coach Karen Butler give my time, I was up there with Matt’s usual time. Matt was running at a much faster pace. Karen urged me, “Catch Matt, keep your breath!” I knew what she was saying, I just didn’t think I could do it. 100 meters away from Butler I heard Ashley, “Enjoy your run, enjoy your run!” Katie’s voice was in there.

I had forgotten my family until then, between that and the words I had my motivation.

I was running down a long decline when my right foot and leg hit hard. I was afraid I hurt it but kept my pace. As the ground leveled off, my leg was back to normal. I upped my pace and any strain seemed manageable.

I had narrowed the gap, but couldn’t get within twelve feet of him. Matt half glanced back, but that was to start his kick. I couldn’t do more than keep my fast pace. I passed four more runners but Matt was running neck and neck with one runner as they crossed the line. One-hundredth of a second separated Matt from Brueggermann.

Someone called out the number “5” as I made it across the line. I couldn’t believe it; I was thrilled, as I knew it would be my fastest time ever. Quickly I thought, being Caryn would change my running. Sarai and Patti, not Matt were my heroes. I was immensely proud of Matt and happy for being #1.

Chuck had one of his better times but he was a minute behind me.

Dad and I could glory in the day. I knew mom and Katie were also super happy for me. I’d be tested one more time to make sure that my run wasn’t enhanced by drugs. But I had run my race free of drugs. Sarai jumped on me and I had all the reward I’d needed. Mrs. Duvall was over to remind me that Sarai finished first. True enough, this was my first chance to hug, kiss, and congratulate Sarai.

“Sarai, I’m the luckiest to have you. Not only were you my inspiration but you won.” Sarai, Ashley, and Katie all stared at me.

Katie whispered, “You changed voices.” The four of us had a group hug. Sarai whispered, “That panty must be too tight.” We all busted out laughing and this time it was Gary laughing. The five runners had to ride the team bus back and we were met by one squad car and a fire truck with their sirens blasting. I knew it would have been much more if it was the football team. But they wouldn’t make it that far.

Coach Higgins looked at me, asking, “What about next year Gary?”

“I’m not making any promises Coach. I plan to run but I’m not sure as who.” Coach became dead silent.

Dr. Michele messaged me. “I heard how well you did at your state meet, I am really happy for you… I am surprised you came back so fast and strong from your injury. How are your legs?”

I said, “I don’t want to do anything drastic, but my thoughts of seeing things as Caryn is stronger. I will call early in the week to get an appointment to see you… I am very tickled that you called me. That’s so special of you!” She said she’d see me tonight as we hung up, but I was sure I heard her wrong.

My folks and I were home by mid-afternoon. My parents wanted to take me out to eat to celebrate. I begged out wanting to celebrate with Sarai and her friends, maybe see Matt sometimes. Katie too wanted to celebrate with Sarai and friends, mostly classmates. The Duvalls quickly rented a reception area at the Marriot conference center. One end was for Sarai and hopefully, Matt’s folks and relatives would choose to be there as well.

I knew several recruiters would be there.

My parents agreed I could have my night with Sarai and our friends. They decided they would take me out to dinner tomorrow to celebrate.

“Mom, is it alright if it’s Caryn who goes out tonight?” Mom looked to my father, but there was no question of a problem. She said, “Please trust that you can ask either of us.”

“Thanks, but I also wanted to ask about wearing a certain dress. I’m still embarrassed about asking those kinds of things about him.” I giggled. Kattie was soon asking which one.

I first wanted to soak in a bubble bath as I needed to shave my legs. Kattie called into the bathroom, “Sarai, wants to make sure you were coming. She’s delighted you’re choosing to come as Caryn. She said, her parents were already pressing her to wear a skirt. She’s asking if you’ll wear your skater dress from homecoming.”

I said, “Sis, you need to help me with my hair and makeup!”

Katie said, “Maybe if that’s a request, but I’m not taking orders little sister.” I backed off and asked nicely. I was supposed to shampoo my hair and used her conditioner. It was all to my advantage, she got no argument from me. She did have me use two bath oil beads.

I changed from the bath to the shower to shampoo and condition my hair. I had a large towel wrapped girl style. I dried enough that I was back into a panty so Katie could work her magic on me. It was six o’clock and I was sitting up at Katie’s vanity chair. “You know, you should ask for your own vanity for Christmas?”

“That’s a little much, don’t you think?”

“Caryn needs more of her own makeup and hair tools. I’m going to limit you using mine come Christmas.” I wanted to challenge that but I could see she was serious. She said, “I can’t believe you’re getting dressed up so much for another girl. You know you’re going to turn a few boys’ heads as well. It won’t only be Neal this time either.”

I couldn’t believe my sister was being so upfront about it. When I got up to get dressed, she said, “I noticed you didn’t argue with me about the boys.” I chose to be quiet as I didn’t know how to respond, she usually was thoughts ahead of me.

My Mom had her traditional tuna fish sandwich for both of us. Mom didn’t like girls going out for a night without something to eat. I joked with mom, that I wasn’t a girl. “You are acting like one. It's the same house rules for both of you.”

Katie and I showed up at the reception forty minutes early; as we suspected they have decorations, tables, and a reception table to set up. We were two of five friends who came early. We quickly had things set up for Sarai. Patti and I went to help Matt’s Mom and his girlfriend Pam at his end of the reception room. Pam knew who I was but Matt’s mom was quite surprised; she only knew of Gary. Pam giggled as she joked, “Gary as Caryn has been a quick learner. She even enjoys helping more than most girls in high school.” Pam turned to me, “You even enjoy dresses more than most girls. You look sharp tonight. I dressed up for Matt, but I dressed a little fancier anticipating you and Sarai would also be dressed up.”

Matt was there ten minutes before the celebration was to start. I was the one who suggested both Matt and Sarai wear their gold medallions. They each had a large certificate and a photo to act as centerpieces. I didn’t trust the medallions not to walk off.

The irony was I didn’t predict that many would want a picture of all five state runners. It became a point of laughter that the extra girl was the second boy to place in the meet. ‘No, I didn’t end up in second place, but I was our second fastest male runner.’ A sore point for Chuck was that he finished seconds slower than Sarai.

There was some music in the background that people danced to and while I danced with Sarai and even Ashley. She had warned me she might ask. It was Lance who cut in while I danced with Ashley that caught me by surprise. I thought he was going to dance with Ashley but her boyfriend Trevor did that. Lance cupped my hand and began to dance before I had a chance to say, ‘no.’ Lance was leading, stepping forward as I took a step back. I sensed his steps by his feet and the movement of his body. I was surprised it was so easy. Somehow the music went from one song to another without a pause. Sarai did me the favor of cutting in halfway through the second song.

She had a smile and a giggle, “Caryn follows well.”

Come, the end of the second dance, Sarai walked me over to the table with Jenifer from Augsburg University of Sioux Falls. Jenifer smiled, “It is nice to see you again. You told me the running skirt wasn’t a sign of anything. I for one am glad to see you again. Your Sarai really did great showing her kick today. Sarai said you had out-ran yourself today that there was no kick at the end. Much like her situation at the District race.”

She asked, “Would you as Caryn be interested in coming out for a college visit with Sarai? You would be treated as different people most of the time.” She paused, looked at Sarai, and then turned back to me. “Hopefully in two years when you came; you would have made more decisions about your life.”

I said, “I’ll wait and let this time be for Sarai. I want time to talk to her, my parents as well as think it through.” Sarai had told her I was on the A/B honor roll.

While Sarai was wanted by many people, I walked around.

Matt reiterated he was happy that I was there. He said, “I want to thank you for pushing me as a runner. I was amused to see you nicely dressed as Caryn. Pam and I want to thank you for helping with the decorations. I’m not comfortable wearing the medallion, but I know some have come up missing in the past.”

Matt took me a couple of steps away from others, “Tell me, it’s not so, that you might be Caryn next year? …I’m not against you as Caryn, like tonight you make an attractive girl. But it would be a big step; I like you as Gary.” We talked and he even asked Pam’s permission to dance with me. Funny enough I had to dance with each of them.

It was fun to dance with Matt as I didn’t need to worry about anything between the two of us. The celebration was to end at 11:00 but I was helping both families to clean up until midnight. It was one o’clock when I said goodnight to Sarai.

My mother was asleep in her recliner when I quietly entered the house. Mom woke up and I greeted her, “Mom, both families were happy that you and dad took time to celebrate with them.”

Mom said, “We must not have been there long enough. Katie said we missed seeing you dance with Lance Hartman. I’m told that happened before we got there and afterward you and Matt danced.”

I asked, “Did you hear that I danced with Pam, Matt’s girlfriend as well?”

Mom looked at me, “How did it feel to dance with two male classmates?”

“It felt funny to have them lead, but Ashley had as well. Mom, I felt like Caryn. I wasn’t expecting to feel this way.” I hugged mom for the longest time and she drew me to her.

Mom said, “I guess this is one of our first mother-daughter moments.” She whisked a curl out of my eyes. “Have I told you that you make a beautiful daughter?”

Once alone, I took off my dress and danced around my room, and then I heard Katie applaud.

Soon after I got ready for bed; taking off my makeup and moisturizing my skin. I liked that there was soft tissue where my bra was. I put on my nightgown before I was willing to take off my panties. I didn’t want to break the mood of being Caryn.

Katie came over and hugged me, saying, “I guess this is a special girl night?”

I gave her a hug, and softly said, “Thanks for understanding. Yes, it was like a calm breeze that whispered Caryn tonight.” Katie took my hand and guided me to her room. “Scoot over you’re my little sister tonight.” We started to talk but I soon fell asleep and when I woke it was morning. Katie was out of bed, and I heard the shower being used.

I was soon back to my room, undressing and getting ready to use the shower. I got out a nice pair of slacks and a dress shirt. I had my underwear and shortly after I knew Katie was out of the bathroom, I was in the shower. It was my day to celebrate as Gary.

I hadn’t thought since the meet about what I did in the meet. From the point I was encouraged to run faster, I tried what I thought was impossible. Then there was the thought, ‘enjoy!’ and it was like Sarai was next to me smiling. Once in a while I saw one of my feet, the ground was passing quickly. I’d look up and I saw a way past another runner and some more space. My hand was slapped by my running skirt. Time was passing quickly and I was wondering what was passing faster time or the ground. I could see Matt now and that spurred me on. But it was like trying to catch a quicker rabbit. I was happy when Matt went into his last kick. He was not my responsibility. Chasing him, I had run my fastest race. As I crossed the finish line, I took a deep breath and began to relax. The #5 couldn’t have been for me. 'Oh my, did I go that fast?'

I sighed, “I can’t believe what I did yesterday.” Dad hugged me on one side and my mom on the other. “I’ve never run as well as that.”

Dad remarked, “Doesn’t that make you excited about running in the spring and again next fall?”

“Dad, I’ve been told becoming Caryn will change me some. I’d be faster than Sarai if Caryn could do that… I just want to focus on yesterday right now!”

Mom gave me a hug, whispering, “Can you just be Gary today?” I looked down at my nails polished with a clear pink tint, I smiled. Mom and Katie saw the same, but we were all quiet about it.

We go to this restaurant now and then, one thing we hadn’t thought of was the Dobbins usually come here on Sundays. Denise saw us and came over to congratulate me. “Mrs. Miller you must be really proud of him… Is it true that you finished in the top ten for the state?”

Katie and I answered together, “It was the top five, I was the fifth runner to finish. Matt was the first.”

“Wow! That’s even better! …I wanted to say if you need something for winter or the holidays, you should come in soon.” Katie asked about what they had. Luckily the waitress came to take our orders. Denise left, but only after taking a selfie with me. That drew more attention and two other people recognized me or my family. Fortunately, that turned the focus back to me as Gray and my running.

Our waitress asked about the fuss when she brought our food. Which later caused the manager over, “We’ll give you your choice of pie for dessert, what will it be?” Dad ordered pie as well, mom and Katie had a scoop of sherbet.

Once back up in my room, I got on my computer and search Deb’s Clothiers’ website. As I was browsing Katie sat next to me and we looked over some of what they had. There were sale items, new, and holiday clothes as well. Katie mention, “I think Dad wants you to concentrate on being Gary. I think he’s hoping if you do that you’ll want to be Gary.”

“I’ll continue as Gary, even if Caryn is the one I appear to be. …Can I tell you a secret?” Katie nods yes. “I want more, you need to promise, double promise!”

Katie says, “I hear you, you can trust me.”

“I’m so serious about being Gary, cause I want to make love with Sarai with me being a boy!” Katie looks at me, like what else I’d be? “We’ve kind of done it with both of us wearing panties.”

Katie says, “TMI.” She looks at me seriously, “Did you feel like Caryn? …Don’t tell me I don’t think I want to hear it. …You have strong feelings as Caryn don’t you?”

“There’s time Gary comes to the surface and with Sarai, I’m used to being Caryn, even dressed like I am now.”

Katie giggled, “Caryn can’t get her pregnant, especially with you both in panties. Be careful, you might want her but Gary can get her pregnant. Then you’d be stuck being Gary.” We talked but the talk turned to dresses and outfits. It was intermittent with Gary remaining a guy.

It was the kind of conversation that I’d like to be more normal. I knew my sister wasn’t so sure. Luckily she loves me and I’m sure we’ll talk more.

Sarai, Matt, and I all got messages from the school about there being an award ceremony at school…

To be continued…

It was nice going to school on Monday with people congratulating us for how well we had done. I was a little surprised to find out that the Award Recognition would be for the football team as well as us; despite their having lost their quarter-finals game. However, I wasn’t upset, not much.

I did decide to focus on the Cross-Country teams’ accomplishments and recognition. Newspaper and radio personalities were there for us.

It was the regional newspaper sportswriter Ms. Kendra Howitz who interviewed both Sarai and Matt as well as brought pictures from the meet. She spoke to our assembly with pictures being posted on a screen. She closed with a picture of my fifth-place finish. “From the looks of it; Gary could have been a girl with his running skirt, his jersey out being a sweat-ridden outfit along with his long sweaty locks waving in the wind.” I along with others laughed.

The students roared, while Principal Collins wore his usual frown where it comes to me. But nothing could take away from the pride we brought to the school. When the assembly was over Kendra came over to me, having spoken with others.

“You young man made quite an accomplishment. Do you think you can win the boys’ title next year?” I said thanks, but when I hesitated in speaking about next year. She whispered, “This is off the record, but might Caryn be running this time next year?”

I said, “You seemingly do your homework. We’ll have to wait and see.”

Tuesday was a bad news, good news day. The bad news pertained to the holidays and Sarai, Katie, Ashley, and other girls going holiday shopping as they had years before. Sarai started, “We have a tradition we don’t want to break, and that means when we go shopping you’re not to go with us. But don’t worry you and I will still be doing things together. Like going to school play this Friday.”

She said, “You should ask some of the girls in your own class, maybe they’ll invite you to go shopping with them?”

The good news came at lunchtime and I found myself between Hope and her cousin Jennifer. They asked me to eat with them and their friends Monica Thoms and Tiffany Wells. I asked if Patti Duncan could be in our group. I knew the girls but I wasn’t yet close friends. They had a quick talk and called Patti over. It was decided we would go shopping Saturday for something to wear as a group maybe more.

Friday, Sarai and I went to the school play, where Principal Collins commented, “It’s strange to have three girls and a boy together and the boy is the one in a pretty skirt.” I thanked him for complimenting the dress and then we walked on. Sarai and others thanked me for not making a scene.

Ms. Jacobi, who is not high on girls thinking they have to wear dresses, complimented me, “It is good to see the effort you make in wearing a dress.” Sarai and I both thank her, as we knew she went out of her way near the Principal to be kind.

The play was fun as we knew almost everyone in it. We stayed out later as it was the first time Sarai hadn’t a curfew since mid-September.

The next day Katie was ready to go shopping, she nicely told me not to dress in anything complicated to get in and out of. I knew where they were going shopping and I was happy when I found out we were going in the other direction.

There was Hope, and Tiffany Wells, as well as Monica Thoms, Patti, and Jennifer Janz, and another girl I hadn’t remember. Staci was an honor student who attended more advanced classes. Staci made a special point to greet Patti and me. “I want you to know this is one of my insanity activities.”

Patti joked but Staci might have taken her seriously. Patti said, “What’s insane about going shopping with Caryn and me?”

Staci said, “I’ve noticed Caryn; I think she’s pretty sharp. I think it must be stimulating the way she carries herself. If I’m right Caryn haven’t your grades become better.” She was correct, but I wasn’t sure how she knew it. The first few stores were mostly looking until Staci and Hope drew our attention to some skater dresses. It took all of us to agree and each person purchases one of them to begin our holiday outfit. Today we all bought white tights to go with them. In the following weeks, we would agree on other adornments.

I had bought a skirt outfit, another blouse, and a purse by early afternoon and got a message from my mother. She wrote, “You already spent some ninety dollars. That was to be for your whole day. You do have a $30 buffer, but I hope you choose wisely and not go over that.”

Part of me was very happy, as Gary I was a little upset. If I as Gary had spent that much, I would have been seriously talked to. But as Caryn, Mom let me know I had another thirty dollars I could spend. It was fun shopping with my new group. I knew more of the boys, classes, and things they talked about. “Jennifer, I want to thank you for encouraging me to try my skater dress. I’d have never known I could look good in a pinkish-gray dress.”

Jennifer smiled, “I think you may have been the last to know. We’re thankful you got it and chose to be part of the group.” The next thing we did was to go get earrings and they insisted I get my ears pierced. “You should get earrings of Tanzanite. You are going to be seventeen in December aren’t you?”

That was true but how did she know. When I asked, she smiled and said she just knew. The blue and silver earrings do go well together, but they cost me over thirty dollars. We capped the afternoon by having pizza.

I was pretty sure the other car was filled like Hope’s was. I had a blouse in my lap, my earrings in, and my pursed tucked next to me. Four skater dresses were laid nicely upon the shopping bags in the back of the SUV, which had a clean sheet covering the floor.

Hope took home Patti and Monica first and said I was on her way to Jennifer’s. Hope parked before we got to my house, “I want you to know it’s nice having you as part of the group. I want you over next Saturday for a sleepover. And some time to have a double date Zack and me, with you and Sarai.”

I spoke up, “Woe! I need to have more time as Gary.”

Hope got serious, “I understand, but we’ve let you and Patti into our group and I don’t know you as the good friend I want you to be. The sleepover would probably just be you, Jenn, and me. But I’m also serious about double dating. I would like you to be a best female friend is that too much?” I heard the term before, Ashley and Sarai were BFF. Katie had her friend move away last summer, I knew that hurt. I never imagined the term being used about me.

Sunday, I went to church as Gary and was happy that people left me alone. Dad was happy to have me home as Gary. A family dinner was welcomed and quiet. Hope called me and four of us shoppers got online and visited. Sarai had called and wanted to come to see what I got. She had some things she had bought as well.

She got here before five and I showed her my clothes and makeup. She and Katie were amused by all the makeup I bought. Mom wasn’t to know about it yet as I had used my extra money to buy it. Sarai took me to Katie’s room and they set out to try different makeup schemes on me. We got called downstairs for a snack and I sat and watched part of the football game Dad was watching.

When Dad looked over to me he joked, “And which of the two of you is really here?” Sarai reminded me that I was wearing makeup.

“It’s me, dad! I’m the same person.”

We went back to my room and I changed into my skater dress and then into my skirt outfit. Come, eight-thirty I walked Sarai out to her car and gave her a goodnight kiss before she left. Sarai said, “I know I’m the one who requested the two groups and I think that’s good. But I’m jealous of you having other girls around.”

The coming week was the last full week before Thanksgiving. Other than running an hour every other day I was relaxing. It was time to work on reports and study more. My tech friends were happy to see me, but standoffish if Caryn was mentioned or seen.

Monday afternoon I had my class on Women’s studies with Ms. Jacobi. The class was having a lively discussion until she mentioned Thanksgiving. Ms. Jacobi asked, “I was wondering if I might ask of you, Caryn; if you’d be willing to dress as one of the Pilgrim women and do a presentation on what it might have been like for them.”

I challenged the request, “Why me and not one of the regular girls? I’d be happy to help with a report, but I’m trying to spend more time as Gary.”

She said, “I’ve asked a week ahead of time for next Monday and Tuesday before the holiday break. If you bring a note from your folks about being Gary. I will honor their request.”

“It’s not that, I’d be willing to wear the outfit. It probably could be interesting, but I don’t want people telling me what I have to do as Caryn.”

She asked to see me after class, which I did. “I’m sorry, I won’t ask anything like that again in class. I appreciate you being a good sport and open to learning about the other side of your world. I would suggest you find out about Constance Hopkins. She would have been 15 or 16 by the first thanksgiving. And to help you a little, her father was Stephen Hopkins.”

I saw Sarai at lunchtime and she was nice enough to listen to me complain. She suggested we go looking for costumes after school. Most of the days were regular school days. Sarai and I went to a party store after school. But I thought the costumes would have trouble standing up to trick or treating let alone two days. She mentioned the theatrical store in the next city over.

We went there, Christmas, Father Time and Thanksgiving were among their larger displays. Sarai mentioned we were looking for women’s pilgrim clothes. Cathryn, our saleswoman, asked if we were from a church as there was a discount for such groups. She apologized and suggested we consider the gray Puritan Women’s dress and outfit as there were two with one likely to fit. Looking to Sarai she said, “The light blue won’t do, you don’t want to be seen as a younger girl do you?”

Sarai giggled, “No we don’t but it’s for Gary’s assignment in Women’s studies.” Cathryn looked at me with raised an eyebrow.

“Well, I’m leery about renting it out to a boy as boys tend to be rougher on our costumes. They are $55 per day, but if it’s for school I discount them to forty dollars a day plus the deposit. But if you’re rough on the costume it could cost you the deposit plus a replacement fee.”

I frown as I didn’t expect it to cost me a hundred dollars before taxes and whatever. Sarai speaks up for me. “He’s good as a girl, she’s not hard on clothes at all. Her sister says Caryn has gotten much better with her boy clothes and her room as well.”

The saleswoman stifles a laugh, “Well if you’ll decide while you’re here, promise to have it back Tuesday by 5:00 in good condition and we don't dicker further? Well, I’d be willing to rent the outfit for $55 including the bonnet and other things. But I’d need $15 if you want and can fit into the shoes. That’s roughly seventy-five dollars with tax.”

We take time to think, and I text my Mom. It took fifteen minutes for her to get back to me. “It appears being Caryn gets you into more and more things. It sounds great at the price she’s giving you. Make sure you thank, Catherine James. She’s big in community theater, she and I have met a couple of times.”

I tell Ms. James thanks and that I’d take her offer. She knew my mother and sent greetings back. I tried on the dress and the plain white slip that went under it. She said, “They didn’t have bras back then but you’ll need something to fill out the top.” She found a pair of shoes that fit me and was amused to hear about me. “Tell Ms. Jacobi, if she could pacify more boys like you. That I’d be happy.”

When we tried to correct her, she said, “I know Ms. Jacobi and I know she’d never do that.” She asked me, “Did you wear a pair of panties just for the fitting, or were you wearing them already?” Sarai and I explained how things had come to pass.

The rest of the week was fairly good. Though I got hassled when others learned that I was to dress as a pilgrim woman. Wednesday and Thursday, I was with my computer geek friends. But I could tell Val and Hank were keeping their distance from me. Our friend John joke, “Don’t worry, what he has won’t rub off on you.” He paused, “Unless he’s wearing pink.” We all laughed and it did help a little.

I had done some research online for Constance Hopkins. I connected to library articles, books, and even two of her present-day relatives. One family sent me information not found elsewhere. Constance had helped take care of many when sickness began on the Mayflower. Her step-brother Oceanus was born on the voyage as well and she helped her weakened step-mother.

Friday evening for our date Sarai and I went bowling. I went wearing slacks, but emotionally I felt I was Caryn. Ashley and others stopped to talk with Sarai, and I felt part of the group. When we parted the others encouraged me to have a good day shopping.

Saturday morning Hope, Jenn, and I were out early to a nature preserve. It was chilly enough that we didn’t stay much more than a half-hour. Then I was in designer jeans but changed into a skirt and top that were easier to change if I tried on clothes.

Today, there were five of us shopping at the Bridgewater Mall and shopping center. We had stopped at the food court and shared two snacks along with each having drinks. Tiffany mentioned how she only had cash as her mother was against her having credit cards.

Our group had attracted the eyes of a few boys, at least two were bad. We had left there and were walking to a store when a white boy grabbed Tiffany’s purse and knocked her down; another boy knocked down Hope and took her purse. They turned and were ready to taunt us, but I was already chasing after them. They sped up sure that I’d stop or tire out. That didn’t happen as we ran the length of the mall and they ran up the escalator. The white boy turned right coming off the escalator and I jump the end of the railing to grab his jacket and then tripped his leg. The black kid turned and yelled, “Travis don’t!” Soon I felt a hit to my shoulder and then my arm.

Quickly, the security guard, Howard, stepped on his hand and kicked away whatever he had. I soon heard him call 911 and request police and medics.

I didn’t want help but Rose and Patti were there and insisted I cooperate. The shock had kept me from feeling the pain until I reached the back of my shoulder and saw blood on my fingers. Then it hurt badly. Patti was the one who said, “You’re likely to have a black eye as well.” That was when I kind of remembered the boy trying to kick me.

I asked, “Patti did he damage my blouse?”

Hope was the first to reply, “You should have let him run away. Your safety was much more important than either purse.”

I asked, “Was that boy carrying your purse or Tiff’s?”

The medics were there and soon the police. They allowed Hope to hold my other hand, but it was the medics and police I had to talk to. One policeman said, “You mentioned this boy was Travis, how do you know him?”

“I don’t know him. The black boy who was with him yelled back, ‘Travis don’t!’ That was when I felt something hit my shoulder.”

The officer said, “That stabbing escalated the crime to a serious felony. He should have listened to his partner. Did you see the black boy?”

I was being placed on a stretcher, taken outside, and lifted into the ambulance. I was taken to the city hospital and was soon in the emergency room. The young doctor who first came to see me was crude and the head nurse Arlene Connors soon called out, "Dr. Campbell or Dr. Martin, We need one of you pronto?” She said to the one she excused, “We’ll talk later.”

Dr. Judith Martin was soon there, “So are you the brave one who caught our purse snatcher?” It sounded like he too had been brought to this hospital to be checked out. He was later taken and booked.

While she was checking me, Judith asked, “Was he slow, or are you that fast?” Hope spoke up, telling Judith about me taking fifth in the boy’s state meet. Judith said, “You know in these situations we encourage a person not to do what you did. That’s just because a person can get hurt like this time you might have been worse, if not killed. I commend you for apprehending him, but help doesn’t always come in time.”

A nurse helped take off my blouse, but there was a slit as well as blood in the back as well as my sleeve. Dr. Judith commented, “You make an attractive girl. We’ll work to keep you that way.”

Nurse Arlene spoke up, “Gary’s mother, Christine Miller, is here; is it okay for her to come back?”

Seemingly my mom needed to be calm before Dr. Judith approved. The doctor thanked Hope, “Hope is it; I want to thank you for being here with her.” Judith paused, “Do you want me to refer to you as Gary or Caryn?” Hope squeezed my other hand before she left.

Mom said, “Darling, I’m glad they’re saying you will be okay. How do you feel? Have they been able to give you any pain medication?”

Dr. Judith introduced herself and commented, “She was kicked in the head and might have been unconscious for a moment. We won’t give her any sedation until we can rule out a concussion. That could take three to twelve hours.”

Dad and Katie were soon there as well as Sarai, but none of them were allowed back to me. Dr. Martin sewed a torn tendon in my arm and stopped two bleeders near my shoulder. She used medical glue and butterfly bandages on both injuries hoping to avoid scars.

“Now young woman, maybe I should be asking you as Gary, but I’ll ask you. Would it be okay for us to put you in a room on the OB/GYN floor? It would be the best place to keep reporters and busybodies from annoying you.”

Mom and I simultaneously said the women’s floor would be good. It took another hour for them to prepare my room and transfer me up there. In the meantime, Dr. Michele Watts and Dr. Nelsen came in together. Dr. Michele asked how I felt and introduced Dr. Kevin Nelsen. Hearing I was okay she asked, “Would it be okay if Dr. Nelsen is your doctor in the hospital?”

I asked about her or Dr. Judith, but she assured me that Dr. Nelsen was good and one of their Clinic’s doctors that works primarily in the hospitals. I was informed that Dr. Judith as an ER specialist and surgeon wouldn’t follow me up to the floor. That her work on me was all done. I was informed that the tendon stitches would be absorbed in time.

My visits the first hour on the floor were limited to family and somehow Sarai and Katie were both my sisters. It was after six-thirty that Hope and Jenn were allowed to visit me. A silence came over the room until Hope spoke up. “We know you’re the girlfriend Sarai, but we’re her girlfriends too. She’s becoming special to us and we’d rather there not be a tension.”

Katie, being a little protective said, “If there’s a tension you are the ones losing out.”

My parents quickly spoke up, “No one is pushed out and there needs not to be any tension. We’re thankful she has groups of friends who care.” Mom was the one who reiterated that it was Katie and Sarai who suggested I have another group of friends for holiday shopping.

I had numerous texts from friends and others wanting to know if I was alright. Even more about my running down the boy and getting injured. I made the news and the first boy Travis at sixteen was charged as an adult. The news said the other boy had dropped the purse and it too was found. They were expecting a second arrest.

While my eye was going to turn black and blue they determined I didn’t have a concussion so by 9:00 I had my first pain shot. Mom, Dad, Sarai, and Katie all volunteered to stay the night with me. But the nurse and I were able to convince all of them I would rest better left alone.

One of the nurses, Anna, walked with me at 10 and midnight. She was on a seven to seven shift. We walked down and looked into the nursery and saw the babies. When Anna asked if I wished I could have babies, she called my pause, “a pregnant pause.’ I blushed and we both giggled. I appreciated that she said the blush looked good on me. When I became restless at three in the morning, she helped me to relax my painting my toenails.

I was on my tablet which indicated to Patti that I was awake and online. Patti and I chatted fifteen more minutes before another nurse told me it was time to get back to sleep. Despite saying I wouldn’t sleep; I was asleep ten minutes after shutting down my tablet.

I was awakened at 5:30 for medication and next after six by Dr. Nelsen. He said my injury sights looked good and if they stayed that way come 11:00 a.m. he would release me to go home. It was at ten-thirty when he came back and my parents were there when he shared new information. “Gary, I see you already have lower than normal testosterone production. I want to inform you that stress from such events as this can actually cause hormone production to diminish slightly. I see you already have some soft tissue development. That might warrant having testosterone shot to arrest any more production like that.”

I look at my parents and we talked. I feared that an injection of testosterone would cause more development as a man. Dr. Nelsen agreed that it could happen. He got Dr. Michele on speakerphone and we talked some more. Dr. Michele informed my parents and me that if my estrogen level went higher that it could set off alarms come the spring and require more testing by the athletic association. She did admit that the problem was likely temporary. And even if it set off the alarms for other tests; it should show that the estrogen was natural and not medically induced.

Dr. Nelsen went on record against my decision to have no hormone shots either way.

I probably wouldn’t run down a robber the next time, but I was proud I had. I didn’t want a lot of people asking me questions all the time. I knew the police would need to speak to me to get an official statement. I allowed the newspaper reporter Kendra Howitz to interview me as well. That also led to a news reporter doing a human interest story for a local community segment…

To be continued…

Jim Miller lets me, his daughter Caryn, know he’s proud of me. “I know you’re going to say it would have been the same Gray or Caryn, but I want you to know. I was so scared yet so proud of you. I love you so much; the thought you could have died without me saying I love you again…” Dad begins crying uncontrollably as the doors to our home closed.

I’m crying as I’m on my knees next to him, “I know Dad, I’ve always known that. But thank you for saying it, I love you too.”

He garbles his speech as he says, “I love you as my daughter.”

Mom, Katie, and Sarai surround us on the floor in a group hug. Katie pressed on my shoulder and I holler in pain. She says she’s sorry and as I reach for her there’s more pain. Sarai helps me from the other side to stand. Dad and Mom get up together in a hug and kiss. And I give Katie a hard time as she tries to apologize. Sarai slaps my buns, so I don’t go too far.

I’m sitting up in Mom’s recliner, dad’s chair was too wide and worn down from his being heavy. My phone rings again and Katie’s taking it from my purse. “No, let her relax; okay him if you want, but he’ll call you.” She hung up.

I said, “Mom, you need to take me to the theatrical store early tomorrow for the pilgrim's costume.”

Mom swiftly responds, “Sorry, but there’s no way you’re going to be in the mood for that tomorrow.”

“But Mom, I want to. Once I get it on; it won’t be a problem.”

Katie chimes in, “Mom, I agree with you, but somehow Caryn needs to get her way.”

Jenn and Hope brought by stuff from the shopping trip. Jenn had stayed with Tiffany when she was knocked down and is sorry she wasn’t there for me. “I thought you’d soon be back; I’m sorry you got hurt.” She had gotten me a short camisole as a gift it said, “Danger: Tough Girl”.

Mom said, “Regarding tomorrow at school: Gary, you’ll need to wear a short-sleeve shirt.

“Mrs. Miller, he has worked hard on Constance Hopkin’s report and it would be more powerful dressed as her,” Hope said. “It would be salt upon her injuries if she can’t do it. One suggestion would be a strapless bra. Your friend Catherine James made Caryn such a good deal. That would be another person disappointed.”

“Mom if I’m too hurt to wear the costume, I don't want to stay home from school.”

Mom said, “It is you who are going to be hurting getting in and out of that costume.”

“Mom, I’m to portray her to little children as well. It can’t be worse than hurting and pushing myself running a race.”

Surprisingly, Dad was the one who spoke up, “Caryn, we don’t want you to be hurting your wounds. If you wear the costume, I want you to see it through all the way. I suspect you’ll have trouble making one day.”

I promised and that was settled. “Mom are you willing to take me there and to school, or do I need to get someone else to give me a ride?”

Mom said, “I’ll give you a ride there and to school. Katie or one of your friends needs to give you a ride home. Do you have any doctor’s appointments?”

“Thanks, Mommy, and no to any appointments,” I said.

Trying to sleep tonight was harder as I didn’t use pain medication. Mom had trouble waking me up, but once I got to sleep I slept the rest of the night.

There was frost on the ground with ice on the puddles. Just the short trip to the car caused me to be fully awake.

I wore a strapless bra and an old tube top of Katie’s to the theatrical store with a medium weight coat not to get cold. Catherine was amused by my arrival with my arm in a sling. After she heard what happened and that I was planning to wear the costume, she said, “I have an old cloth that might appear more authentic, but it is up to you.”

Changing was a hassle but manageable. Mom had me use cutlets to fill the cups of my strapless bra to make the appearance plausible of a young pilgrim woman. I blush a little from embarrassment. "She said, "You do know that your Miss Hopkins didn't wear bras?"

I said, "Nor did she have boobs that would fall out if I didn't wear the bra."

I got a call from Sarai asking where I am. She was happy to know I was in my costume and ready to come to school. Sarai, Ashley, and Katie were together at school to greet me upon arrival. Sarai said I was to go to Ms. Jacobi’s room for a schedule. It was a poorly kept secret, not only did I have a report to give, but I had two meetings: one with smaller children and then with third through fifth graders I was interviewed as Constance. I was surprised by how well they knew general information. They knew the name of the Indian who’s staying with us, which had created a scandal for Constance’s Dad, Stephen Hopkins. He had a Native American stay in his house overnight. Her dad was actually arrested for doing so, but a jury found him innocent because the majority saw what he did was to show hospitality to one of the natives who had helped the colony.

I would not answer if the Hopkins were Puritans, as even the family don’t all agree. Constance’s help to survive the Mayflower voyage and then the first two years was crucial. The ship's lower decks were too small to stand up in many places. Between the voyage and the first year, half of the people did not survive. Her step-mother and step-brother Oceanus would die within two years.

But as Constance, I felt her excitement and pride to portray someone of note. She would marry a man who came to the colony after her. They were blessed with children and good fortune.

During the morning it hit me Constance experienced these things at my age or younger. I quickly became in awe of what she did and started to think of how she must have felt. She had to be overwhelmed, yet she moved on and did what was needed. A teenager taking up responsibilities like an adult. Having a native American staying in the house overnight, and then becoming the head of the house when her father was put in the stockade or jail had to be a disturbing experience.

I had seen a painting of her and while she looked attractive, I wondered how tough her hands were what was her strength?

I was walking quickly to my Women’s Studies class when I came around a corner of a hall and literally walked smack into Matt Crosby from the cross-country team. In one of his quirkier moments, he said, “I always wanted to kiss a woman of history.” And he did, very passionately. “Hm, you’re a good kisser.” I hoped he did not know until afterward that it was me and not another girl that he kissed.

His girlfriend Pamela is in the class with me and she soon learned as the class began what had happened. We talked after class and she joked with me. She said, “I hope we can agree about two things concerning Matt?” I asked what they were. She said, “One, I shouldn’t have to worry about you taking him away from me. Secondly, he’s a good kisser.”

“I can’t believe you’d even joke about that?”

She said, “You’re kidding me. I’ve seen you, Caryn. I know you have grown to have more feelings as a girl. That includes thinking about boys.” She whispered, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Just between you and me, I don’t want you denying it.

The Women’s Studies class goes well; Margo Wells, a farm girl, affirms the differences and toughness Constance must have had. But even she said, “We probably don’t do a third as much work by hand as they did. A woman doing it in dresses also would add to their difficulties. What I dislike most is men thinking you don’t know what you’re doing. Some teachers do it as well to a country girl.”

Ms. Leora Jacobi compliments me for all I’ve undertaken especially with my injuries. “You know Caryn, the more you look like plain ordinary woman others may not even notice or are. Even as Caryn you are often seen special within the school and your friends.”

We discussed when we returned to school after Thanksgiving that I would dress down as Caryn and try to make new friends. She asked me for Tuesday to meet with two American History classes.

Katie gave me a ride home and was nice in helping me to change out of my costume. Katie joked about hearing Matt having kissed me. I got angry, “Pam said she wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Katie got into her stubborn stance and said, “Don’t get angry with her. It happened in a hallway, I heard it from a girl who was following you. She said you didn’t fight the kiss.” I reddened at that point. “Relax you were portraying a girl all day, and I know you have budding feelings as Caryn.”

I wanted to argue, instead, I quietly changed. I put on a peasant blouse and a skirt. Katie showed me her class ring that she received today. And then we at the pictures and paraphernalia she had started to collect for our Mom.

Tuesday, went well and the presentations as Constance kept drubbing the information about her into my mind. Someone from the drama group said I should join their club. It was a nice compliment. I did have some rowdy boys who gave me trouble. One lewd picture got shoved into my locker for me to discover.

A big high school boy pushed me to the side and tried to kiss me, but his hug threw my pain level over the threshold and I screamed bloody-murder before falling to the floor. Being checked out by the school nurse, kind of finished my day. The pain quickly became manageable though it continued to hurt. Katie retrieved the skirt and blouse I was going to wear.

Catherine James complimented on how nice the costume was when I returned it.

Katie had taken me there and then to my appointment with Dr. Watts. She checked my wounds and put on new butterfly strips. She said, “I want to compliment you on your presentation to the first graders yesterday. Holly didn’t know who you were other than Constance. She said you were nice to Native Americans and them. She asked, ‘If you had women doctors?’”

I smiled, “Holly is your daughter? I remember her, she’s so cute and smart.”

Dr. Watts’ eyes brightened as an idea had come. “Would you mind if I sent a note home with you for your mother… parents? She can tell you right away if it might be something that could work. I’m sending it to your parents because I think you’d need your mother to make contact if it’s to get consideration.”

I wanted to know right away what it was, but she asked me to trust her. That it needs not to be a secret. Once home and giving Mom the note; she brightened up, “That would be great; my guess the best to ask would be Audra Smith to find out if she and Laura might be open to it.” Mom hands me the note as she explains Dr. Watts’ idea of me spending some time with younger girls. Laura is nine going on sixteen. But my mother knows she enjoys being her age when alone or with close friends.

Mom had called over to the Smiths’ before dinner and Audra invited us over after seven, Jerry and Audra were there and Laura was taking care of Ben, while Tess was being bounced on Jerry’s lap. Audra said, “I already talked with Jerry and then Laura just before you came forward. Laura and Ben seeing you as a Ms. Hopkins seems to have served you well. Laura had already talked about being with you. We just hadn’t gotten around to talking to you about it.”

Jerry said, “I don’t think you are that kind of person, but I’ll tell you upfront: don’t ever abuse any of my children. You seem normal enough, but one has to be careful.”

It was shortly after that Laura ventured into the room, “Ben and I think you pretended well to be that Pilgrim woman. Wasn’t her name Connie something?”

I smiled, “Yes, Constance Hopkins; do you remember where she lived?”

“Plymouth, but it wasn’t Massachusetts yet.” Laura brought a doll over to me, “Maddie has an injured arm like you. I thought you might like it?” I took it and looked closely and snapped its elbow back together. The hand was broken, but Laura was impressed. “Mom, Constance learned to help people on the Mayflower.”

Audra asked, “Laurie, why don’t you show Caryn some toys in the playroom?” Laura took my hand and walked with me to the playroom. I was between Laura and Bens’ rooms. She showed me where Maddie was usually kept. Then she sat by a large playhouse. She wanted me to sit so she could show me inside the house. “Did you and Katie playhouse when you were growing up?”

She laughed when she heard Katie’s playhouse was much smaller. She said, “I asked Ben if he wanted to play dress-up and be like my sister. He said, ‘Yuck.’”

It was then we were called back to be with the adults. Audra invited me to the Smith house on Saturday. I’d have to go over there since I didn’t have enough girl toys. I could be over in the morning or I’d have to wait until the following weekend. I was going to wait, but Laura insisted I should be there by 9:00 a.m.

I was looking to sleep in and then have some Gary time. I only got to sleep in until 7:30 a.m. Mom suggested a pair of designer jeans and a bodysuit for me to wear. She said, “We don’t want your buns to be showing during your first play date. You nor Laurie are little girls.”

It was before nine when I walked up to the side door of the Smiths. Laurie was with her mother to greet me. “Oh, Caryn, I am glad you be a friend.” Jerry was going someplace with Ben.

We were soon back to Laurie’s playhouse; she had small people who kind of fit the size of the house. “My Mom says, I’m tah' help you be a girl.” After playing house we talked, and colored and then she asked my help to pick-up her room. She was happy that I knew how to fold and put clothes away. We usually agreed about what needed to go in the laundry. I enjoyed seeing her dolls and finding where they were usually put. She had a better selection of doll clothes than Katie did. It was eleven-thirty When Audra called us to lunch. The goulash was to Laurie’s liking but was heated from a can. I remembered when I used to like them more.

Before I left, Mrs. Smith agreed to allow me to take Laurie Christmas shopping like Laurie had asked.

Once home, I was asked by my Mom to help her. I had helped my mother before to bake cookies but this was different. “Caryn, I thought it would be nice tomorrow to say Caryn baked the apple pies.” I received an apron and then collected the ingredients as mom reminded me that flour, salt, and sugar, would be used as a combination with cold butter and cold shortening in making the crust. Mixing them using I used ice water to help mix the other ingredients. I let them sit a short time before clumping them and letting them chill for a while. Mom had peeled the apples, but now it was time for me to core and then slice the apples. We also used cinnamon and sugar with the apple slices to make the filling. It was then time for me to roll the dough out to make two crusts for each pie.

Once I made each crust, mom had me roll them using waxed paper to hold each together. That made it easy to fit the pie plate and shape it before adding the filling. I was now collect more flour onto my apron, the tip of my nose, and before I was finished a dusting on my eyelashes.

The top crust had little four slits that looked like squinting eyes. Thanks to using the wax paper it was easy to center them over the pie and then crimp the edges. I’d have to be up early Thanksgiving morning to get the pies baked to be warm when we took them to Grandma Edwards.

Sarai had come over while I was focusing on the second pie. She swatted my behind with a towel, cracking it for the optimum effect. I screamed and jumped dropping the top crust. “Look at Ms. Sally Homemaker. You might make a nice wife someday.”

I turned around with my flour-tainted hands and hugged Sarai and patted her behind leaving flour handprints there.

Back to my work I gently worked to hold the crust together but ended up reforming it to a clump and rolling it one once again. It was a little difficult with Sarai hugging me or looking over my shoulder.

Once I was done she pulled out a letter from Augustana and waved it in my face. She was being invited for a college visit and she was already being offered a huge athletic scholarship. “They are hoping you will come with me and my parents! My mother and father say it would be okay if your parents approve. They approved my first choice a week from Friday, for the full weekend. If I show I’m holding my 3.5+ grade point average this semester I may receive one of their President Scholar awards.”

To be continued…

I knew Sarai already had a 3.86 average and is doing well again this semester. I asked, “So, is part of this trip for you to say yes to them and become a Presidential scholar?” I checked to make sure we were alone before we kissed and hugged again.

Sarai said, “I like what I know about Auggie, but I need to make sure it is for me. I’m not going all that way on a whim and warm feelings. I hope to meet the runners who aren’t graduating, to hear what they have to say. I want to see if I feel like I can be part of the chemistry that makes them a great team. I want to know are they as good academically as they say they are?”

Sarai helped me to wrap the pies to cool the in the refrigerator, before she left. I’d need to be up early in the morning to bake them.

Grandpa David had divorced Grandma years ago, but he would be invited to Thanksgiving at her house. It was anybody’s guess if he’d show up. It might not be right, but I was hoping he wouldn’t come. I was excited about seeing my Grandma, but he was unpredictable. It was known he favored boys but even as Gary, I wasn’t one he favored.

Up early with my mother, I baked the two pies so they were fresh. Mom was fixing two dishes: one a seven-layer salad and a vegetable casserole that she’s known for. Mom and I were going to Grandma’s early: to get our stuff there without problems and then to help Grandma finish preparations.

Katie got to sleep in and will come with dad two hours behind us. I’m sure this is Dad’s wish was for me to expose this part of being a woman. Getting up early on Thanksgiving to help in the kitchen, would all be new to me. I can’t say I love it, but I enjoy doing something with Mom. Though, I’d rather be shopping or decorating.

Cousin Megan Edwards is there along with other girl cousins. Grandpa Edwards welcomes my dad and sister and two other families when they show up around 11:oo a.m. The guys were coming to see the first football game begin. I felt like I was one of the attractions in the kitchen this holiday. I’m comfortable being me, specifically with Katie and Megan’s backing. I’m actually enjoying the attention.

Grandma gave me another hug once my pies were in her pie cabinet. She took me off to her room. There I received one of her traditional quilted blankets with her name, Martha J. Edwards, needle pointed to a bottom corner. Only the girls of the family received one, so this was a sign I’m accepted. It had been quilted a while back but my name and hers were recently added. I became quiet which Grams took as disinterest. “Sorry Grams, I love it; I’m shocked you are accepting of me. What if I stop being Caryn Edwards?”

Grams pulls me in for a large hug; “I know that’s possible. But I don’t want it to be because you’re not accepted on my part. I heard from Megan and I’ve watched you for two hours. You’re real enough. I love my newest granddaughter.” She apologized for stopping our visit so we could get back to others.

Other than Grandpa acting up the day was great. Food, family, and football were the focus of the guys.

I hadn’t been part of or even remember the traditional sleepover. Female members of the family would sleepover and this year I’d be part of the early shopping rush of ‘Black Friday’. Katie helped me find the bargains listed in newspapers and online sites. I was hoping for some cold-weather clothes for my birthday.

Thursday night Megan found me teary-eyed, “What gives Caryn? You’ve been doing great.”

With a melancholy spirit I spoke, “My girlfriend is to go for a college visit next Friday. It’s hard to think she’ll be leaving me. I don’t know what to do?” Megan gives a knowing smile.

She said, “I thought your parents gave you permission to go with her.”

“Yes,” I said, “But I don’t know if I should. I’m kind of happy for her; she really has her heart set on it. It makes it hard to be sad or hurt with the thought of losing her.”

Megan takes hold of my hand, “I felt like that when I was in high school and every year since when close friends go in different directions. My suggestion is to take one step at a time, decide if you want, and can be there for Sarai. Share with me or someone your hurt, your feelings are valid. Just remember she’s helped you to blossom. You’re precious, her going doesn’t change that.”

Katie soon came into where we were. Seeing my teary eyes she sat next to me. “You’re becoming more emotional. What is it about this time.” Katie looks to Megan, “She hasn’t even begun taking hormones. Thanks for lending a shoulder.”

I said, “If you’ll excuse me; I’m going to call Sarai. Mom said if the round-trip air flight isn’t too costly I can go with Sarai.”

Katie had me sit and collect my emotions before I called. Like Gary, I have the habit of rushing to get things done. Often finding out I rushed too soon or forgot something important.

Megan and I even stood on the front porch; it allowed me to clear my mind and have another second visit with my cousin.

I call Sarai and we’re soon talking. Sarai’s parents are buying the tickets and making the arrangements. Sarai said, “Just think three months ago we were teammates but not really friends. I can’t believe how important you’ve become to me. You have made such a big difference in my life. I don’t think I can ever repay you enough…” She says, “I hope it has been exciting for you. I know it has been a big change. If I were you, my thoughts and feelings would be all over the place.”

I said, “You’re right they are; I’m just trying to focus on you. We can talk more about me after we get back. I miss you right now, but I’m excited about going shopping in the morning. It feels like shopping Black Friday sales is a rite of passage, that I need as Caryn.” Sarai’s to do a little shopping but is waiting for Katie, Ashley, and others to go shopping Saturday or Sunday.

I’m committed to go with Sarai on her trip. Mom was pleased to hear that.

We’re up and awake Friday morning; Megan checked and told me. “Do not wear anything fancy shopping, but make it quick.”

Eight of us were going to take two vehicles until Grandma suggests three vehicles to carry what we purchase and for going to different places.

We were up and gone by 5:30 for Black Friday sales. I couldn’t believe the cost of Dad’s set of Milwaukee power tools. Dad sold mom on the idea that it was over 50% savings. Katie whispered in my ear, “Don’t protest too much, this might mean you’re getting a vanity table with mirror and chair.”

I regretted having bought clothes for mom or Katie during prior Christmases. I am fairly sure that I made terrible choices. But now I know sizes, styles, and colors. Buying Katie’s gifts are especially fun. I can imagine wearing some of them or different outfits she might willing to give over to me. It sounds funny a brother wearing his sister’s clothes and looking good in them.

Cousin Laura is my secret Santa person this year. She’s wanting a new program to put onto her computer. Still being a geek, I go into a tech store but allow the salesperson to treat me like a dumb girl for a moment. He’s ready to sell me the high tech version of what Laura wants. It is then I take over to get him to match a price I found as well as the discount they were giving. He has the program but wants me to wait.

“You have what I want, and it’s the version you keep back for special customers. Well, today I’m a special customer. We even agreed on the price. It’s a deal or I’ll keep you and your manager busy for the next hour dickering.” It only took getting the manager and five minutes to get my purchase.”

When Aunt Connie found out I got Laurie’s gift; she hugged me and offered to pay part of the cost. She giggles, “It is nice to have a techie girl in the group.”

It was after eleven when I stopped with our cousins for a drink in the food court. I recognized a guy who could have been me four months ago. He and some friends were gawking at other girls. I wrote a note and dared to hand it to him at his table. It read, “Don’t just sit there, I bet the pretty redhead would be flattered. Don’t lose an opportunity for her to say yes.”

Katie said he read at the note before I got back to our table. It took him a moment to locate the girl I was talking about. Two more minutes before he got the courage to talk to her. She was getting up when he got to her. She smiled and they sat down. We left and didn’t stay around to see what happened.

We talked to Grandma and our parents and met at a third store. This ended up being about Grandma getting things for her granddaughters that they wanted. Grandma bought me a Thinsulate coat for my trip as an early birthday present. Megan, Laura, and Katie agreed it was fashionable and would keep me warm. Katie later told me that Mom had been looking to get me something similar.

Mom had us stay another night; I thought it was so she could visit with her mother. When it was Megan who woke me in the morning I learned the real reason. Megan was taking me to be fitted for my bridesmaid gown. I also found out her wedding date had changed to June 12. Which also meant that I’d be going to school most of May as Caryn. I had agreed earlier to live as Caryn before the wedding. This was so I’d be totally in girl mode for her wedding.

I better understood the reasoning now that I had episodes of Gary and Caryn using the other voice or personality at the wrong time. Among friends that were usually seen as cute, out in public or with Megan’s Todd and her future in-laws it was not desired.

My gown was a pastel peach color. My sister took a picture of me being fitted and sent it to Sarai. Sarai soon text back, “Is she wearing bigger breast forms?” I was surprised that she was able to guess that by pictures. “She looks like a princess in that color.”

Megan took Katie and me out to lunch on her Mom’s card. Katie and Megan were both reminding me that I couldn’t be gaining weight except if I was growing my boobs. Discussions like this are funny to me. Back to Grandma’s, my Grandma, aunts, and mom visit about the pretty bridesmaid I’ll be. Aunt Harriet is opposed to me being a girl, but she is cordial knowing it’s going to happen and more out of respect to Grandma and Megan’s family. I might be wrong but I imagine I will get an individual Christmas card from her.

It was dark when we left Grandma’s but holiday lights cheered the drive home. Hope called me. She called to make sure I was coming to her sleepover. I was to bring clothes for church, just in case we went. “Ugh, Mom! I’m supposed to be with Hope and Jennifer tonight.”

Katie said, “I wondered why you weren’t fretting about getting home sooner.”

Mom asks, “You did pack an overnight bag as I suggested?” Hearing another grunt, Mom asked, “Katie can you help her to quickly get the proper things together, and do not short her a pair of panties.”

It was six-thirty when we got home. I took a quick shower, trusting my sister to pack properly. It was seven-thirty when Mom drove me over to Hope Strong’s house. “Remember to show them your picture in the bridesmaid’s gown. You’ll learn in time, but it’s one of the things girlfriends like sharing… You look as frightened as a young girl going to her first sleepover. I expect Hope and Jennifer to be excited to have you over, remember they’re interested in knowing you and having fun. Your boyhood stays tucked away.” It irked me that she felt the need to tell me that.

It may seem difficult to believe, but I hadn’t even given it a thought of Gary staying with two girls. We talked about female vocalists we like. We talked about boys they liked and they asked me about kissing Matt. They said there were rumors that I kissed one of my best friends. I did agree if I were totally Caryn and into boys that I’d consider dating Matt.

I knew that Hope had dated Steven two years ahead of us. Jennifer and I stated he was good looking. “So you do look at boys,” Hope asked?

I tell them, “That’s not fair, you’re often talking about them and asking what I think. How can one of us not look at them? Sarai’s my girlfriend, I do not need a boyfriend.”

Jenn says, “We date: I have two boyfriends, one that I met last summer and Trevor; but it doesn’t mean I don’t look at other candy. You might be surprised who else I like?”

I think Jenn and I both mutually find the other attractive, but neither has said it. Hope comes out and asks, “What do you think about the two of us. One of us likes you with a little more affection.”

“I’ll pass about the affection part, at least for now. I like being good friends.”

“Hmm, good friends is where it should start,” Jenn says. “How are your arm and shoulder? Can I take off the bandage to look or is it gruesome?” I let her unwind the bandage on my arm, the butterfly tapes are there. The color around them looks good.”

“Can I?” Jenn’s wanting to lift the back of my teddy bear pajamas. “Wow, except for the injury, I’d think I was looking at a girl’s back.” She puts my top back down and smooths it out rubbing her hand over my back.

I say, “I’m a cross-country runner, not a wrestler or football player.”

Hope takes to brushing out Jenn’s hair as Jenn does with mine. After she brushed it out she begins to separate and braid my hair from the top front, down my lefts side, and ends it going toward my right shoulder. Jenn said, “I like this, if we go to church tomorrow you should keep it in.”

The night was fun, and as Hope wanted, we got to know each other in ways we otherwise wouldn’t have. Come morning we didn’t get up in time to go to the early service. Mrs. Strong asked with a strong indication of what she wanted, “You are still planning to get to worship aren’t you?”

I made sure that my dress was appropriate for their church. Mr. Strong laughed, “If there’s a warm body in the dress; it’s appropriate. We love seeing young people in the church, especially you girls.”

My friend Jonathan Abbot was there and after church, he approached me; he said, “Well if you’re not afraid of God, I’m not afraid of our friendship being known.” Another friend won back, I counted these as small victories.

We also visited with Riley Gable from Brook High School. She said, “I thought a girl was hiding in Gary’s running skirt. I don’t mind telling you, I was attracted to Gary with the thought of feminizing you. It appears you have done pretty well with the help of your friends… The bigger surprise is, I didn’t think you were very sociable.” When we hugged in saying goodbye I winced when she touch my healing arm and back.

Riley had heard about the incident through the news but hadn’t realized it involved Hope, Jenn, and me.

Getting home, I was worn out and looking to rest, ‘but’. The ‘but’ was our neighbor Audra Smith and her husband were wanting to go out and Laurie wanted me, Caryn to babysit. “I was saying no,” Mom told me, “Audra said if you couldn’t do it they’d stay home because the responsible child would be crying.”

It was supposed to be another time with Laurie, but with her toddler sister and younger brother that was very limited. We did get to watch ‘Mulan’, Ben and Laurie knew it well and were enchanted to watch it with me. Little Tess nestled in my arms to watch it. It was a problem for me to stay awake. But with Ben climbing over me and me worried about Tess, I did. When Tess messed her diaper, it was my first experience in cleaning a dirty mess and changing a diaper.

Once Tess was to bed; the next chore was getting Ben ready for bed, then the hardest work was done. Laurie questioned if Gary was ever a boy. “I was watching you change my sister. There was no sign of you being Gary.”

I thanked her for the compliment. When I agreed to hear her read a story, she said, “My cousin Tommy is your age and he would never sit and listen to me read, even when it was a short simple story.” Her book ‘Beezus and Ramona’ could very well be about Laurie and her little sister. It was amusing for me to listen to her read and laugh as she did so.

She had read over twelve pages when Jerry and Audra drove into the garage and then came into the house. I wasn’t going to accept any money for babysitting until I realized how lucrative it was to babysit. The money would be good for my trip with Sarai,

‘Sarai! I hadn’t talked to her!’ It was ten-thirty and I was trying to sleep, but that was impossible. I hadn’t talked to Sarai since my fitting for Megan’s wedding. I got up and text her once more. Then my phone sounded; it was Sarai. She started, “I was afraid something happened. She began talking and as hard as I tried, I fell asleep. Mom or Katie later turned off my phone.

Monday and Tuesday were quite normal and I went to school as Gary. I ran on Monday and did aerobics on Tuesday. Schoolwork had gone well and Ms. Jacobi gave me an ‘A’ for my report on Constance Hopkins and extra credit for all the extra I did.

I dressed as Caryn Tuesday afternoon and went to get identification for me as Caryn. Our family lawyer, Hazel Compton had sent a letter from her and a supporting letter from Dr. Watts. That with my birth certificate, passport, two photo I.D.s, and a lot of questions helped us get through everything. My new photo i.d. was not my best picture, but Mom said it was good when it came to driver licenses. Yes, I could now drive as Caryn with no worries.

Dr. Watts checked me for my injuries and general health. She commented about my going with Sarai on her college search trip. “I’m glad you got your new i.d. easy enough. It will probably be helpful for you to be immersed as Caryn in the new surroundings.”

She reiterated that we were a while away from me making any decisions about being Gary or Caryn. “Some of the changes you want, don’t change easily back once you start down that path.” Using the testosterone blocker continued and she did give me a new prescription for pills. “Your breasts are puffy, but it will be another month before we need to get serious about keeping you on that medication or backing you off for a while.”

Wednesday was my birthday, and while I wasn’t going to be surprised by a small celebration. I was surprised when a ‘Sweet Sixteen’ balloon showed up before I went to school. Mom had me wear a girl’s watch and tied the balloon string to it.

“Mother, you can’t seriously expect me to wear this to school?”

She replied, “Most certainly, a girl only turns sixteen once. You’ve missed many special occasions in a girl’s life. Katie has text around and many of your friends are already expecting you as Caryn.” Katie’s there and she tells me of at least ten friends who know. Come eight o’clock I began getting many birthday wishes.

I received an animated card from Sarai and other e-cards from others. I was walking out to our car when Katie sprayed a mist of perfume that I walked into. Yes, I was pleased, but it was a new experience that I was reluctant to have.

It was a cold December day; the first I wore my new coat. I knew with each step more and more people were thinking I had made my decision to be Caryn…

To be continued…

My sister had to wear a balloon on her wrist in eighth grade when she turned 13 becoming a teenager. Here I was a sixteen-year-old use to being a boy. One of the worst parts was boys and girls alike snuck kisses throughout the day. They did it with threats against making PDA, personal displays of affection. After the first two kisses from boys, I was leery of them. Expecting girls to protect me caused me to let down my guard. By 10 a.m. I was going crazy wondering who I could trust. It was Jenn, who told me, “Relax, it’s a compliment about how popular you’ve become.”

I fired back, “If you remember I’ve always been shy; popularity wasn’t one of my fantasies!”

After lunch I was called to the school office and warned: ‘If I didn’t stop flirting and causing the displays of public affection I would receive demerits for the day and be sent home.’

Yes, it was my decision to come today as Caryn. Someone surmised thus I was looking for this. Come the last two classes I was given the option of modeling with my balloon for and art class or go home early. I went to the art class thinking it was a joke. Seven girls and three boys sketched me. It turned out to be fun

Come that evening my parents had a party for me with friends and family; I received several drawings of me and my balloon as gifts. I received two gift certificates to V.S., one was for a bra fitting. I was angry that someone would give me such a gift. Mom said she didn’t do it as a gag gift nor to embarrass me.

I received a long plaid skirt of the Miller Plaid presumedly was to keep me warm and looking sharp when I traveled for Sarai’s college visit. Gary got some clothes and Dad was giving him the choice of getting a used car. But where we lived he won’t be able to drive it until he’s taken driver’s education and gotten his license. He wouldn’t get to do that until spring, more likely in April or May.

Sarai and I stepped out of sight of others to have one birthday kiss away from the view of others.

I was packing recklessly as I would be flying out the next evening. It took Katie coming into my room and getting upset with me. “Just because it’s your birthday, it doesn’t give you an excuse to make a mess of packing! How many nights are you going to be gone? ...Three, so at least five pairs of panties and two, no three bras. One day might get up to 50 degrees; two days the high will be lucky to get to freezing. One large suitcase and your carry-on should be packed well…”

She has knee high boots next to my bed. I ask, “Whose are those?”

“Thanks to me you got a nice b.d. present from Grandmother and Grandfather Miller. You have two pairs of long socks to go with them. Since you’re not used to skirts and cold weather, everyone thought these might help. They will work nice with long or mid-length skirts.”

I flopped down on my bed and wanted to cry. Family and friends were being too nice to me. I wanted to try the boots on. “You know I should have tried these on; what if they don’t fit?”

Katie gave me a half-hug that I tried to shake off. “Remember the boots you tried on at Macy’s, these are the same boots but they’re not plain like the ones you tried.” I didn’t have the long socks but the boots fitted beautifully… They might get too warm on your plane rides, but wearing them saves room and weight.” Mom had looked in asking how I liked my boots. I don’t think she was surprised that I was wearing them. She also reminded me I owed grandmother and grandfather a well written thank you.

It was after midnight by the time I was pack, ready for bed and had done the school work that I absolutely needed.

Our friends were doting on Sarai before her trip. We didn’t tell many but they joke about me getting to sleep with her. Sarai assured Ashley and Brenda that I was wearing a gaffe glued in place.

I thought the news that I had to sit and wipe was TMI. Once school was over, Katie rushed me home I had a quick shower, changed into my long plaid skirt along with my new fashion boots. Then I was picked up by the Duvalls.

Mrs. Duvall had checked us through, the biggest time taker was me having to take off and on my boots as well as them taking time to check my purse. Mr. Duvall used his flight advantage plan to secure us into business class; the seats were a few inches wider with better foot space. We flew into the Twin Cities and caught a flight to Sioux Falls, South Dakota. We arrived there and were met by the CC Coach from the University. Going out to the university van was cold, very cold, even with the boots and long skirt. We had landed around ten in the evening and were at the university before eleven. Two cross-country members were soon there to greet us and help with luggage. There were four more women by the time we had everything into our dorm suite. Sarai’s Mom and Dad had their own bedroom as did Sarai and me. There was a common living area and kitchenette as well as nice bathrooms.

One team member Debora befriended me, saying she was a sophomore and while she’d be junior when Sarai came; she’d still be a senior if I followed Sarai as a student the following year. Tracy a junior said to Sarai. “I hear you technically have enough classes to graduate at the end of this semester. You would be more than welcome to come and begin in January for our second semester.”

Sarai looked to me, and I’m sure I was stunned to hear it. Sarai, in October, confided she might not go out for track in the spring. Now it came flashing back to me. I quickly sat down and quieted myself. Sarai weakly sad, “No, I had not thought about that.”

Tracy apologized, hoping she had not upset us. “It’s just starting cross-country during your first semester is a taxing change for many students.”

She looked at me and for some reason I spoke up, saying, “I could see that. She is a good student, but we've heard it can still be a hard adjustment.” Inside, I was crying, ‘Keep your hands off her, I want her’ September is already too soon.’

The others were filing out, and there was talk about running together tomorrow and/or Saturday. They handed Sarai University workout sweats for her to keep and a clean pair for me to borrow. Most hugged Sarai and Debora gave me a hug and said goodnight.

Once they were gone Sarai apologized to me. “They weren’t supposed to say anything about the spring semester. I’ve barely given it any consideration. It doesn’t take away how precious you are to me.” I could see that Sarai was now tearing too. We hugged and cried together.”

We slept to 8:00 0’clock, but needed to get up and go get breakfast. Mrs. Duvall could tell I had cried, I was sure she even knew why. But she put on a stoic face and recited the day’s schedule of touring the campus, their meeting with the Admission’s people and a meeting with the Coach and University President. I was invited to the even dinner with Coach Deavers and President Hansen. Saturday there were some informal meetings and more sightseeing. We’d eat with the team and staff. There was a women’s basketball game in the afternoon and their choir and orchestra had a holiday concert in the evening. We were told they had a fantastic music program.

While many of the buildings were old, there were as many that were not. All of the buildings had state of the art facilities inside. I hadn’t been to too many campuses but I was impressed about this one. There was modernistic artwork like some I had seen in New York City. When I commented about that. Someone said, “Nina Abney graduated from here and she has a studio someplace in New York. The person commented she was a black artist. Then I was fairly sure I saw her art in the Hell’s Kitchen area of Manhattan.

I was wanting to dislike the university and Sarai going here. But I was liking what I saw. I had not seen the vast fields or barren area of South Dakota; Sioux Falls was a large oasis in light of what I heard.

When the Duvalls went to visit with the Admissions people; I went off with Deb. We got a salad for lunch and did a lot of talking. Deb said, “I can tell you are hot for Sarai; would you mind if I asked some sensitive questions?” I agreed.

“I’m correct in assuming you’re still biologically a boy. I’m a biology major and I was wondering if you thought of having some of your sperm harvested and frozen for later use. If you’d marry Sarai or another woman that would allow you to have children as a couple.” She said.

She and I then got into a deeper discussion. I wondered if it was actually plausible. She said it was, but that I should check with my own medical people. I would need, as young as I am, to have parental and medical approval. She did say if I wanted they could collect some sperm and test it for its viability. I mentioned the glued gaff. With a sinister smile she said, “We could take care of that, get our sample, and glued back before others knew.”

It was 1:00 p.m. and the Duvalls would be tied up until 2:30. Everything was off the records when pristine Caryn showed her devilish side. It would be good to get off my testosterone blocker, to build an ample supply of those wiggly swimmers. But the swimmers and no other evidence was kept.

Debora and I, and two lab people had brighter smiles that we were not talking about to others. I would go back home and approach Dr. Watts about having a proper test taken there.

Sarai and the Duvalls liked the tour of the Campus and the student areas she was interested in. Sarai jumped with enthusiasm trying to tell me the President and Dean of the University were expected tonight at dinner or tomorrow before the concert to offer her the President’s Scholar award. That with her sports scholarship, would cover almost everything other than books and supplies.

She was surprised by my change when I to jumped and gave her a hug and kiss. She knew something had changed on my part, but we did not pursue it at that point. I had a dressy blue dress that looked good on me. It wasn’t much but Mrs. Duvall took me back saying, “I think it would help you to add little more color for the evening.” That included makeup, a bracelet, and necklace.

I was coming to realize there’s more to Sarai, she’s different away from high school, a more sophisticated young woman here. She was able to converse with the other students as well as be comfortable in meeting with the Dean and President of the University.

The evening started informally, the meal is excellent, and the discussion was very warm and affirming of Sarai. And yes, she has been offered the University’s President's Scholarship. Seemingly they had previously talked with sensitivity to me. “Sarai and we are sensitive to the milestones of a young woman in finishing her high school career. The Spring semester here would end ahead of her graduation ceremony from high school and just in time for her to be able to make her prom.”

I asked about her return at spring break and the Dean implied that her participation in a spring sport required them to use the break to take part in venues in warmer areas of the country. I turned to Sarai, “It looks like I am losing you earlier than I expected.”

Sarai responded, “Yes, I’ve committed myself to here, but I have not made any decision about coming here next semester. It tears at me to be away from you. I want you to know where I’ll be and some of the people when I come to the university. Mom’s not happy that I’ll be so far away. I feel like I can contribute as well as receive more here than elsewhere.”

We became aware that everyone else became quiet on our account. I look up and around. “I don’t want to lose Sarai, but I can see that she fits here. We’ve talked before about what’s important for her. It now seems a question if I lose her next month or in August. I can understand why next month could be important. I’m afraid of a long distant relationship... Maybe I’m even wrong in thinking we’d remain together.”

The President’s wife said, “We appreciate the friendship you two have. You being here speaks volumes of the friendship both ways.”

I asked, “Would you be upset with Sarai having a relationship with a T-woman?”

“We already have community members of various lifestyles and differing degrees of acceptance within the AU community. One thing we will not tolerate is abusing or bulling within our University and the Sioux Falls community is very healthy that way as well. We’ve take the initiative to make this a welcoming campus.”

The next day was relaxing; Sarai and I went running with other members of the cross-country team. It was a four-mile run in sub-thirty degree weather. We had spent fifteen minutes just warming up and stretching. The run was not competitive and I was encouraged to run with the group. I liked the pace; two of the women changed the pace as we ran around the campus and over to the outdoor athletic fields.

Debbie had a pair of leggings for me to change into and a long knit sweater like dress when we were done. She reminded me since I had on a gaff that I didn’t need to worry about my extra bits. The biggest thing wasn’t what I had but the hips and rump that were smaller than most girls. She pointed out what I already knew, many runners don’t have bigger hips.

Sarai excused ourselves from the others and went walking around. We had a quiet talk in one of the lounges and had a quiet affectionate time in our room. I became clingy, I was glad Sarai didn’t get angry with me. She too was more affectionate while we were alone. Sarai in private was as passionate as I felt. I knew she was serious about making our relationship work; I just wasn’t sure she could adhere to it. “Sarai apart from me you like regular guys. I can’t help but think some of these guys are going to be attractive to you.”

We ate at an oriental restaurant for dinner. We were dressed for the concert and chose to sit among the college students. Her parents sat in a special box for dignitaries. The coaching staff was with them. The singers and orchestra were exceptional. The Duvalls later said it was of extraordinary quality. They were enjoying being around a university community.

Being around the university, themes of justice and peace were evident along with education. It’s Lutheran connection was evident, but seen with more progressive lenses.

Back in our suite for the night, the Duvalls wanted to know how I was feeling. But how could I tell them my heart ached? Mrs. Duvall said, “We were going to talk later about the possibility of Sarai coming to the university early. We’re sorry you heard it first from others.”

Sarai grabs hugging me; she is in tears, “I am so sorry. I know it hurt when you heard it. The precious friend you are, you were strong and quiet for my sake.” My arms and hands came around her and I felt her tearfully body shaking in my arms. I kissed her forehead and we both began to cry. It was good that she knew I was hurt, but for now it brought little solace.

All the joy from the concert was washed away for me. When Sarai and I were in our room and ready for bed. Sarai said, “You are so precious to me that I wanted to propose to you and ask you to marry me. But we’re too young and you need more time to find yourself. We need more time together.” I pulled back my sheets and welcomed Sarai into my bed.

We passionately kissed at times, and were just quiet and hugging at other times. Our bonds were warm and strong, but I felt shaky and unsure inside. I wanted to go to sleep and awake to find out today was all a bad dream…

To be continued…

When Mrs. Duvall knocks on our door in the morning, we were sure she recognized that our voices came from the same bed. We would get up go out to breakfast and come back to finish packing and leave.

The day was cold but bright and clear. There were others at the restaurant some of who were probably parents, friends, and college students. Debora was there to see one friend and her parents, but she saw us first. It became apparent to Sarai that Deb wanted to know if I told Sarai about what we had done. Deb was good when I didn’t respond. I kind of enjoyed that I knew something Sarai didn’t know.

There was the posing for pictures confirming Sarai’s acceptance of her as an AU President’s Scholar as well as the sports scholarship. Sarai had earned and deserved the accolades being laid upon her. I was invited, but I needed to call home and share what happened from my perspective. Mom and Dad were both sympathetic; Katie like Mom understood more what my heart was going through. ‘Yes, I needed time to grow and discover myself.’ But with Mom and my sister, it was like I was being hugged and allowed to grieve my hurt.

Dad was willing to pay for an extra ticket for even a different flight. Yes, I was angry and hurt, but I wasn’t ready to pull away from Sarai. I wasn’t going to pull back into my old world.

I did see the women’s Coach again, she even told me, “You know in another year be it as Caryn or back to being Gary. We would be interested in having you here as a student-athlete. Our women were impressed with you and your ability to run.”

Our flight back was routed through Chicago and then the Newark International Airport. Mrs. Duvalls thanked me for coming and apologized for any hurt I experienced. Once would have been okay, but her numerous times were too much. Sarai and I were able to change seats at Chicago to get several rows away from her parents.

My relationship with Sarai felt the same but different. Caryn and Gary both wanted to love her so much that come the new year she would decide to stay in school at home. Come the following Sunday we were to go to a Lutheran Church.

I was glad that Sarai shared only that she was accepted at the university of her choice. She had not told anyone, not even Ashley that she was planning to go there the next semester. That put pressure on Katie as well as me.

It was Tuesday after school and we were over at Ashley’s home. Instead of Ashley being devastated like I thought she’d be; she focused on that Sarai would be back in time for prom and graduation. “Wow, Sarai! It is like you got everything you could have wanted.” Ashley hugged Sarai and then came and hugged me. “I’m sorry Caryn. It must have been overwhelming to you, but…” Whatever she was going to say, she thought better of it. “I know we’re both her best friends. It is going to be a b***h for her to be so far away.” With that Ashley let go of her own emotions and we cried as we hugged. Sarai hugged both of us.

Ashley promised to help me search for a prom dress. “Searching for a prom dress is about as much fun as wearing one… You’re still wanting to go to the prom, aren’t you?”

“I haven’t been asked, but I could go on my own if need be. And yes, I believe I’ll be Caryn.”

Sarai turned me around, “Yes, I want you to be my prom date. I’m the one worried that you will have moved on and had someone new and closer.”

Katie was the one giving us a reality check, “You two can say anything you want. But you Sarai are the one stepping into a new world. How can you know how you’ll feel about things even after two months away and at such a distance?

“And you Sis, you are still discovering yourself. Sometimes I find you going two ways on the same day. With Sarai away, you might lose interest in being a girl. There’s more than one girl who wants to see Gary back.”

Sarai, Ashley, and I all ask kind of in unison, asked, “Who?” I asked, “Name someone?”

Katie paused until she was questioned if she actually knew of someone, “Riley Gable from Brookside High for one, and there’s at least one from our high school.” A nod by Ashley indicated she also knew of someone.

Katie and I needed to get home. Where Mom waited for us. Mom announced, “Caryn has an appointment with Dr. Michele Watts, but we won’t get in to see her until a week from Thursday... Darby her PA needs you to go in and talk to her tomorrow; she wants Dr. Watts to know what’s going on before she sees you next week. She said you can stop taking the pills now.”

“Thanks, Mom, I appreciate you getting this discussion going. It will be easier with her knowing I talked to you about it. I’m glad you now know that my wanting to be Caryn is my decision. But I do like other girls and this would allow me to bring something more to a marriage.”

This is the first that Katie is learning about my idea. She asks, “Does this mean you aren’t giving up on Sarai or that you are?”

I say, “It means I’m committing to being me; no matter what comes of my love for Sarai. I want some of my sperm harvested and froze. I may need to back-off on the testosterone blocker to do it. So I’ll also be risking maturing to show my ugly male self.”

Katie turns to Mom, “Is that right Mom?”

Mom said, “Let’s hope Dr. Watts can help. But yes, Caryn’s eyes have been opened, things need to be her decisions with our support. Other people aren’t to know about your sister doing this, do you understand?”

We helped mom prepare supper and after eating I helped the clean-up, getting things into the dishwasher. Katie was upstairs working on a school report. She stopped other things and talked to me. I learned she still had two classes she needed to take the next semester. Like Sarai, she had taken some college classes, but for some reason, her advanced math and another course didn’t count for high school credit. I guess she knew it. She said, “I give credit to all Sarai has done, but I’m content to be in school through next spring. It’ll be more fun than work.”

I asked Katie to give me a makeup lesson. I wanted to learn put on makeup, so it didn’t show. She giggled as I previously wanted people to know when I was wearing makeup.

Mom was with me the next day when I had my consultation with PA Darby, Dr. Watts’ assistant. I was glad that she listened to me and understood what I was wanting. “You’re wise now is the time to speak up before you got any further down the road in being Caryn. While it is not terribly complicated, it can be uncomfortable. Dr. Watts will probably line up a specialist. She’ll continue to be your general doctor.”

I had thought getting sperm would have been simple like Debora, her friends and I did at the university lab. I gather testing and finding healthy sperm wasn’t quite the same as harvesting it for future use. Learning did help me to ask the right questions.

I continue to realize I have been pretty naïve to this point. It was like I was wearing rose-colored glasses thinking my changes were going to be as simple as I thought.

Friday, Sarai was going to the high school basketball games, and Saturday I was going shopping with my group of friends. The basketball games helped me to take my mind off other things. I saw Jon and Max shake their heads as I was wrapped up in cheering. “Caryn, when did you learn the words to the cheers? When it was us guys, the most we did was to stand and clap.”

“I always knew the words, I just wouldn’t say them when I was with you. Katie would teach me them and the hand movements.”

Sarai said, “It was cute when you came with your sister and we helped you learn the cheers. You probably don’t remember us being with your sister in sixth and seventh grade.”

“My parents were tired of me getting into trouble. I was to keep my distance most of the time. I stayed close enough so neither the goons nor you gave me a hard time. I couldn’t do anything… Was it you that time when someone sprayed me with perfume?”

Sarai said, “When they grabbed and tried dragging you off, the middle school officials could prove it was them. The scent was on them as well… We were happy that you were a good sport about it. But those things ended with us going to the high school… I already knew then you were a good runner.”

I didn’t tell Sarai that I didn’t really like her back then. Instead of seeing Sarai, Katie and others I saw them as competing for looks, grades, and who was the best in most things. I messed up their computers but acted smarter than I.

Like she said come to high school I had a limited number of geek friends; mostly other guys that felt socially awkward. It was then that I started running as a way to prove I was important. But I lacked confidence, even when I was faster, I worried about losing. Well, I didn’t lose, lose, I just didn’t always do as good as I could.

It was Friday morning, Sarai and I went running again. We warmed up as we did in Sioux Falls, I had my smile and we ran for the fun of it. I was glad we weren’t running for time, but I somehow wished someone had timed us. I thought we had one of our best practices. We laughed and hugged at the end. I wanted to keep running and not stop.

I was working on a report in Women’s studies and I had creativity that often escapes me. Ms. Jacobi looked over my shoulder and later asked me alone. “Did someone tell you that or was that your thinking? You don’t have those experiences. What made you think of the possibility?”

I said, “She was said to withdraw most months and write prolifically at those times; but that for her novels she wouldn’t emerge for two to three months at a time. And during her greatest novels, it was likely longer… What I liked is that once the novels were written she was such a free spirit. People said she would glow… My sister can be like that.”

Ms. Jacobi said, “Some students of her writing, agree with you, but they’re all women. I’m impressed, that was your own original thinking wasn’t it?”

I asked, “Ms. Jacobi do you think a trans-girl can grow to think like other women?”

“You’re the one who should be enlightening me. My opinion is yes especially if she, like you has many other women around her. But you also know there is no particular way for a thinking woman. Unique to you, is your years of experience and thinking as Gary.”

I was called into my guidance counselor’s office, Ms. Judy said, “We were wondering if we’re needing to change any of your course schedules for the second half of the year?”

I said, “Well there are two thoughts that come to mind. One is I’d like to take another course with Ms. Jacobi. The other is that I am beginning to have health issues that don’t neatly fit in with either the guy’s health class or the girls. But there are a growing number of questions I have about being a girl.”

Friday was date night and Sarai and I decided to skip out of the school activities. Instead, we went to a moderate size city nearby and stopped at a college driven social space. Wine, tea, water were served with sandwiches, bread, and cheeses. There would be an open mic early and scheduled singers, readers, and comedians scheduled deeper into the evening. While there was some drug use there wasn’t to be any push for a sale.

We were there to talk without distraction and to dance if we wanted. Ours was a small table with candlelight. Sarai knew I was still hurting by part of our trip. She was caught off-guard at my anger. “Sarai, I don’t exactly know how much you knew. The hurt is you invited me to come and I heard things and I was caught out of my element. I was hearing it and being left alone as you had the support and people celebrating with you!… Katie’s doing some of the same things, but she hasn’t blindsided me! I care about my sister, but I love you. The hurt is different.”

Two college women, Jodi and Alysn finally come over, asking if they could join us. “We’re sensitive about other lesbian lovers in the community. We hadn’t seen you before and we just wanted you to know there’s support people around here.”

Sarai, “We hit a tough time; I’ll be going to college and she got hurt because I hadn’t told her something.” The discussion went on. Jodi said to me, “If I’m hearing right, you’re just enough younger than you were leaning heavier upon your love with Sarai? The good thing is you’re owning your feelings better. The issues are where are you two now? Are you reinvesting in your relationship?” That might not exactly be what she said, but it’s how I heard it.

We found some soft cushions where I leaned against Sarai’s hug as we listened to a woman performing her songs. We talked on the way home about how tranquil it was just to sit and listen. My time with Sarai, when she took me home found me with a new sense of peace and ability to move on with loving her.

The next day Katie went shopping with Sarai, Ashley, and others and I went with my group of Hope, Monica, Jennifer Hanz, and Tiffany. Most of our group were looking for one or two gifts. Three of us gave Tiffany ten dollars each as she wasn’t well off. She had twenty-three and change. We insisted that she bought one thing for herself. I bought an extra gift, it was something Tiff had liked by didn’t buy. It was as much a treat for me as it was for Tiffany. Somehow Jenni figured out what I did. “You know you don’t need to impress us to be in the group?”

“It’s a treat for me to have friends like her and to care about others,” I said, “as Gary that wouldn’t happen.” Jenni hugged me; I don’t think she meant anything by it but it did…

To be continued…

Previously: We found some soft cushions where I leaned against Sarai’s hug as we listening to songs... My time with Sarai found me, a new sense of peace and the ability to move on with loving her.

The next day Katie went shopping with Sarai, Ashley, and others and I went with my group…

“It’s a treat for me to have friends like her, and to care about others,” I said, “as Gary that wouldn’t happen.” Jenni hugged me; I don’t think she meant anything by it but it did…

Now: Katie saw my bewildered look and asked what was up when I got home.

I told her yesterday I had a good time with Sarai and thought I was content just being with her. Jenni and I just hugged when we said goodbye. There was more to the hug for me; there were very warm feelings I felt inside of me. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn’t.”

Katie has me sit down and take a few breaths to relax. “Sis, I know you want to be in control of yourself 24/7 but you’re human like the rest of us. Even more where it comes to changing emotions and feelings. That you’re again comfortable with Sarai and then have something stir inside of you with a hug from Jenni. That’s more about being human. You’re wanting to hold onto Sarai as long as you can. You’ve already told me you think Jenn has feelings for you. If you’d be honest with yourself I think you have feelings for her.

“Even though you’re cutting back on the pills, You are blossoming and feelings you’ve suppressed are coming forward. You’ve always been more sensitive than you let on. I wouldn’t even be surprised you got warm down there.”

I said, “How can you know that? Sometimes I think there are written messages on my face where others know before me.”

Katie hugs me, “You have feelings for more than one person. Be glad, there used to be a time you wouldn’t allow even one person that close. Sarai did you a big favor when she helped you come out of your shell.”

“How can you say that? Those feelings hurt me,” I said.

“Kind of, you love her, and loving a person sometimes hurts. Having feelings for Jennifer Hanz, what do you call that?” My sister said, “You might be off the pill for now, but I think you are one of us through and through.”

Her words caught me without reply. I paused, thought, and said, “Did you intend to compliment me?”

The next few days passed, with reports due and exams for school. The school was about through for the holidays. Katie and I helped decorate the house as we had with the tree. The weather was mild enough that I helped over at Sarai’s to put up a few more decorations. Her sister Rachel was home and I liked that Rachel is putting pressure on Sarai to go to college closer to home.

One could see that Mrs. Duvall had mixed emotions about Sarai being far away soon.

Wednesday, Denise Dobbins asked me, “Would you mind helping out at Mom’s store?” I had previously commented on how overwhelmed they seemed to be. Denise said, “We’ve only got busier. It wouldn’t be anything glamorous, more folding, rehanging, and arranging clothes. There could be more work, come the turn of the year.”

I text Mom for approval that I’d go with Denise to Deb’s Clothiers after school. I tried to barter my hours at work for a long green skirt. Deb liked my work and decided I could have the skirt if I wore it for work. My pay would be separate from the dress and now I had a job for the holidays.

I proofread my last report when I got home and sent it off to my teacher. I painted my nails a medium red. They would go well for school and work. Mom had to remind me I had an appointment with Dr. Watts at 1:30 p.m.

Dr. Watts listened carefully to my plea to have sperm harvested and frozen. I had a blood test and a sample of semen to confirm if I was still producing sperm, healthy sperm. She walked me and my Mom through what the procedure would be. And no, it was not as simple as giving a specimen, nor comfortable. She did agree that it made sense and with my parents' approval it could be done as soon as the Monday after Christmas. She said it would slow me down for New Year’s Eve, but I didn’t believe it. I was looking forward to being with Sarai then.

Today, I changed into my long green skirt, a pink satin camisole, and a white blouse. Mom redid my hair changing it to a ponytail with a pink scrunchie.

I was refolding or hanging up clothes, and getting them back to the places they belonged, but I was also be asked by customers to help them. I amazed myself in being able to help them. It wasn’t until a lull in business that Mrs. Dobbins was able to give me a quick lesson on the cash register. It wasn’t as simple as pressing any old button, and with every other customer, I’d need to learn another lesson.

Mae, Deb’s older salesperson, started to warm up to me. “A new helper around this time of the year can be a pain in the buns. I wasn’t happy when Denise asked her Mother about working here. You fooled me by being a quick learner.”

I said, “So, I’m not a pain in the butt?”

“No,” she said, “You’re still a pain, but I’m liking you. I told Denise I’m not a fan of boys in the store. But like she said, when you’re in girl mode there aren’t many traces of that happening.”

I text home that I’d be working an extra hour. That was all right with Mom as long as she knew. It also meant I could ride home with Denise, instead of someone coming to get me. We have a lot to talk about as Denise is taken by the thought of me being a boy who first pestered her in third grade. She says, “I wonder if even back then you had a desire to be a girl? Is Gary now desiring time with boys?”

“It’s an interesting thought, I do miss quiet times. I’m more social now and it seems I always need to talk to someone. Like Gary, I didn’t think much about my clothes or the people around me. Well, not fully true…”

Denise cut in, “There were times you seemed to be gazing without hearing things around you. There were times I caught you gazing at me, other girls, or just out the window. I’d wonder.”

‘What could I say, I knew of such times, maybe even a time she was talking about. We were both about thirteen, but she and other girls soft and I wondered what it felt like for her to have small breasts. Another time it was seeing a girl’s short skirt and wondered about what I couldn’t see and if it felt different. My sister had become private as she changed and there was more to girls than I understood.’

“There you did it again, but this time as Caryn; we’re to your house.”

I smiled, “Sorry, it didn’t mean any bad. I guess I wondered about being like you. I kind of was intrigued about girls changing or having nicer clothes…” Embarrassed that I said it out loud, “Excuse me, I should be going. I probably didn’t make sense jabbering.”

Denise touched my hand as I was getting out, “No, you’re making good sense. Maybe another time.” I went to my house, wishing I had stayed, sensing we connected on another level. She didn’t seem repulsed.

I’m not in my room for more than fifteen minutes, Katie’s in talking to me when I answer a call from Denise. “Wow Caryn, I thought we connected as I was dropping you off. I wanted to thank you for trusting me.”

“Denise, it just happened; I hope you treat our sharing to be just between us. I’ve never opened up like that, not even to Sarai.”

My sister interrupts, “I’ll let you talk but I’ll want to know more later.”

Denise asks, “Who was that? I hope I didn’t cause you trouble. I should have asked if you could talk.”

“Denise, don’t worry; it’s my sister and I’ll enlighten her later.”

Denise says, “I had thought this started with Sarai and you, but now I see it differently; is that fair to say?”

I pause, wondering if or how it will change things. Denise says, “Don’t be afraid of me knowing. I am glad you trusted me to say those things. I’d have trouble holding a secret like that.” Denise turned on the camera to her phone. “That just makes our friendship even more precious. You weren’t thinking anything dirty when you were gazing like that.”

Again without thinking, I said, “No, unless hoping you’d help me be a girl would be gross.” I see Denise’s smile.

She said, “Girls can be good friends like that. I don’t know what I would have initially thought back then. It is a good place to pick up on our friendship again. I suspect I could help you try more things. But I would hope you could help me figure out Brady, like how to get him to notice me.”

I instantly replied, “He’s noticed you; he’s just sure you won’t like him.”

Denise says, “But I told him that I like him.”

“Yes, but he’d stammer if he did anything, but a joke with you. It scared me when Sarai first tried to be a friend. I was lucky, we could run and all I had to do was look happy.”

“That’s precious; doesn’t he know he’s attractive?” She didn’t need me to tell her the obvious.

Denise and I talked about tomorrow’s test and shared questions and answers before the call was over.

Friday was our last exams before the winter/holiday break. I worked Friday night and Saturday. Sarai stopped at the store on Saturday. Deb had me wear one of their long red skirts and Sarai was impressed. I paid for and gave Sarai a gift card for the store, “You might want to shop now before the selection diminishes any more than it has.”

I know Sarai asked Denise what caused my attitude to change. Denise told her she didn’t know, though she did. Sarai was hoping we would both take a lunch break with her. There was no way we were both getting a break at the same time. Denise had suggested I bring yogurt or something as the food court would take too much time.

I was fairly sure that Sarai was wondering if she needed to worry about Denise coming between us. “Can I ask, if you’re worried about me and Denise?” The expression was that of a cat having swallowed a goldfish, but she said no. “That’s good because I want to be able to have friends who are girls… I do expect us to become closer friends again since we work together.”

I said, “Right now, we’re too busy to even talk. Speaking of which I need to get back to work. I don’t mean to be rude but I shouldn’t have a girlfriend around work. I am more comfortable with myself that might be the difference you’re noticing.”

Come six o’clock I was going to be tired, I was glad I’d have tomorrow off. Once I got home I showered, ate a sandwich, and drank some hot chocolate. Sarai, however, is to celebrate being done with high school.

Katie came into my room, “Please don’t let anyone know I told you, but you have Sarai worried about you and Denise.”

I replied, “She doesn’t have anything to worry about, but if she does that is alright with me. Maybe she’ll worry a little more if she goes away to college. It’s not fun to hurt inside.”

I went to Sarai’s house with my sister. It was funny when I saw Sarai. I noticed two things: She was happy. She had finished her exams on Tuesday and had learned she had all A’s for grades. The other thing was she was wearing a blouse sweater combo that she got from Deb’s Clothiers. Even a week ago I would not have noticed that.

Sarai was happy in announcing she’d be back for graduation and prom, but many others like me were sad that she would be leaving in January. Many didn’t know where Sioux Falls was, nor anything about Augustana University. Ironically, I spent part of the time explaining that it was a very good university and had a premier cross-country program.

Come ten thirty, I was helping Mrs. Duvall and Rachel cleaning up from much of the reception. Her grandparents and relatives were giving their last good wishes and saying goodnight. Classmates and close friends were staying longer.

Her sister Rachel asked me to visit with her up in her room. She said, “Something is bothering my sister and I was wondering if you knew what it was? She says there’s nothing, but we know she can be in denial when it’s something close.”

I said, “Part of me hopes she’s having second thoughts about leaving. I also think she might also be worried about me having other friends. I told her not to worry; the friends I’m becoming close with are, for the most part, other girls. But I plan to pine away my romantic thoughts on her.”

Rachel asks, “Why would be worried about second thoughts?”

“Maybe because she already committed herself, or that they made such a fuss over her, and then tonight she told all her friends she was going. She expected everyone to be impressed and be happy for her…”

To be continued…

Previously: Her sister Rachel asked me to visit with her up in her room. She said, “Something is bothering my sister and I was wondering if you knew what it was? She says there’s nothing, but we know she can be in denial when it’s something close.” …I said, “Part of me hopes she’s having second thoughts about leaving. I also think she might also be worried about me having other friends. I told her not to worry; the friends I’m becoming close with are, for the most part, other girls. But I plan to pine away my romantic thoughts on her.” …Rachel asks, “Why would she be worried about second thoughts about going to AU?” …Maybe because she already committed herself, or that they made such a fuss over her, and then tonight she told all her friends she was going next month. She expected everyone to be impressed and be happy for her…”

Now: We helped clean up. Sarai did enjoy the night and it even included a congratulations hook-up from Augustana. That at least helped people get an appreciation for where she was going.

Then once the cleanup was done it was time for Sarai to relax. She is still my love and means more than my heart can hold. I work hard to be 100% happy for her. Then she asks me, “You too think I should wait and go next fall, don’t you? Do you think I’m totally wrong for going so far away?”

I say, “My wish for you to stay is for me. There was another option that I thought of?” Sarai asked and I told her: “I noticed in their catalog that they had two segments for June classes. So if you were to be here next spring, and then go there in June and take courses then. You could use that time to get two or three classes out of the way as well as work out with the runners staying around campus. I do agree they have a great program and a super fitness center for women.”

Sarai said, “That makes some sense, but if I did that and I had to be back there in mid-August. They might want me to stay throughout the summer? What do you think about that?”

“That would be for you to decide. It all needs to be your decision. I remember someone early in the fall taught me to be happy about what I did. If it works for the student it should work well for the teacher as well,” I said with a little giggle in my voice.

Sarai gave me a passionate hug and kiss, that lasted until someone entered where we were. Mr. Duvall said, “I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to two women kissing, but I am happy to see Sarai’s big smile back.”

Sarai said, “You need to get comfortable with it. I’m not wanting to go back to square one with you all the time. You need to accept me as your grown daughter doing what’s good for me. I’m not asking you to kiss Erik your golfing buddy.” With that, Mr. Duvall started laughing and shaking his head.

With Christmas getting closer, we were busy with extra decorations and shopping with our different groups. I even went out as Gary shopping with my Dad. It was mostly for Mom, sis, and his mother. He liked the benefit of having Caryn hidden away in Gary’s clothes.

Hope, Monica, Jenn, and Brenda wanted me to go caroling with them, but they thought it would be good to have Gary’s voice in the mix. I insisted if I was singing as Gary that I have my friend Jon Abbot with me. We went to a residential area where the houses were close together and people more often came to the door. We had gone to a care facility where we knew some of the old people. Mrs. Bragg and Mr. Tuttle from my neighborhood and Ms. Dobbs a former elementary teacher were there. What was going to be three songs and ‘Wish you a Merry Christmas ended over a half-hour later and a visit around Christmas cookies and small cups of hot chocolate.

Ms. Dobbs calls me to her and then whispers, “I don’t mean to sound crazy, but I thought another teacher told me that you were dressing as a girl and going by the name Karen?”

I kneel down to talk face to face. “You’re not crazy and you heard right. Actually, this is an unusual time for my being dressed as Gary. And my name Caryn is spelled ‘C a r y n’.”

Ms. Dobbs looks me over, “I can tell my your complexion, the condition of your hair, and your fine features that you could make an attractive girl. It would be nice if you would do me the favor of coming back as Caryn and visiting sometime.”

“You have to be kidding me; Ms. Dobbs, you were a strict teacher. I would never have thought you as accepting of it.”

She smiled and said, “You were a little trouble maker if I remember correctly that is why you found me strict. It doesn’t mean I was narrow-minded nor am I today. I truly mean it when I say, I love to visit with you as Caryn. After I recuperate from my stroke I hope to be back in assisted living until I fully recover.”

It was time for the group to leave. I told Hope and Jennifer about Ms. Dobbs as they had her as a teacher as well. We vowed to see her in two days.

Jon thanked me for inviting him along. He was sad by the reality that my being Gary would remain the exception to the rule.

My sister Katie and her group had gone out shopping as they had planned. Our parents had given her extra money to buy herself some extra things. Mom sat with us to hear what she had bought. They were both happy to hear about our caroling and especially going to the care center. Mom even suggested us the three Miller women and the Duvall women should go visiting and caroling at the care center. Katie and I both conveyed that caroling and being around older people was not something that Mrs. Duvall would like.

I would help Katie and Mom bake Christmas cookies; Sarai came by to invite me over to her house to bake with her and her mom.

Sarai informed us that she had visited with the people from Augustana about possibly staying here the next semester. They did tell her about the June term that freshmyn students were required to take. They would approve her attending this June if that were her desire. There was practicum work she needs to do as a freshmyn.

We helped my mom with two more batches of cookies before I’d stop and visited with Sarai. I wouldn’t be able to help her mom with holiday baking for two days. Hope, Jenn and I would be going back to the care center to visit Ms. Dobbs and others. Hope and Jenn would probably wear nice slacks or designer jeans while I wanted to dress up just a little.

The next afternoon walking up to the care center in a nice skirt and blouse, I got anxious about Ms. Dobbs and Mr. Tuttle in pantyhose and a skirt. Hope and Jennifer had surprised me wearing festive slacks for Hope and Jenn in a red and green knit dress. One fear was soon relieved as Ms. Dobbs was near the entryway to greet us. “You girls are just what the doctor ordered for my recovery.” Her speech had improved some, and she enjoyed holding my arm for the walk to where we’d visit.

Ms. Dobbs was betting we would be back and her husband had gotten her some Christmas decorations and a half dozen window decorations for others he called ‘Christmas sensitive’. We’d put together quite a few plastic stars as well as four of the sun catchers and we started to deliver them. Two of us girls would deliver to residents on one side of the hall and Ms. Dobbs and the other of us. We did deliver a decoration to Mr. Tuttle, who shook his head at me but smiled. “I hope this has taken you away from getting into mischief?”

I replied, “Girls can get into trouble too.”

Mr. Tuttle responded, “Yes, but they look cute and most often get away with it.”

Hope and Jennifer went in to see Mrs. Bragg, a friend of my grandmother. I wasn’t going to go in afraid my being in Caryn mode would disturb Mrs. Bragg. Jennifer asked Mrs. Bragg, “What would you say if I told you that Gary Miller is dressing as a girl part of the time?”

Mrs. Bragg stared at Jennifer and Hope and then said, “You’re serious, aren’t you?” When told it was true, she asked, “Is she here with you two?

Jennifer said, “Yes, but we weren’t to tell you, she was afraid it would disturb you?”

“Gary’s grandmother is one of my best friends. But you keep referring to her as she, does that mean she has her own name? I would like to know it?”

Hope speaks up, “Her name is Caryn, but it’s one of those newer spellings.”

Mrs. Braggs asks “Was she one of the girls that were with you Tuesday, or was she the boy with the fine features and a nice complexion?”

“She was the boy that you identified with the fine features. She takes after her mother.”

Mrs. Braggs said, “Pease go get her, we have met. I’d like to see Allison’s new granddaughter.”

Jennifer came and found me, “Mrs. Braggs wants to see Allison Miller’s granddaughter. Her friend already told her about you.”

“But I told you not to tell her!”

The Activity staff member says, “That’s water under the bridge and she’s wanting to see you.” I started to say ‘But’, but was cut off. Sharon said, “You came here to brighten up our residents’ holiday, please go and see her.”

Mrs. Braggs has aged since I last saw her but her eyes were bright and clear and I could tell she recognized me. Holding out her hands, she said, “Your Grandmother is right, you carry being a girl very well. Come and talk to me, please.”

We were to be there for two hours, however, the time flew and it was our friend Monica Thoms who called to check upon us. Ms. Dobbs's daughters and granddaughter were there when we said goodbye. It was humorous to the three of us that Diane Dobbs had given up her maiden name for Cobb. We met her daughter Celeste Cobb as well and recognized her from the sophomore class at our school.

Friday was Christmas Eve, the morning was filled with chores and the afternoon was to include wrapping gifts. I got a telephone call from Grandmother Miller. “Caryn dear, I got a delightful call from my friend Doris Braggs. Thank you so much for making her day. She said, three of you made a lot of residents happy. I hope it will be you Caryn who goes with me to the early Christmas Eve service. And I hope you’ll be at the family gathering tomorrow on Christmas Day.

I said, “Mother, Father, and I all thought it would be better for me to be Gary.”

“Rubbish,” Grandmother said, “Let me talk to your mother or father.” My Mom took the phone. Grandmother’s Christmas Eve service was at 8:00 p.m. and while it would be a rush to go, get home and go to church with Sarai; it would need to be as Caryn. I was sure Sarai's parents were wanting me to come as Gary. I could get back, freshen up and change my clothes but to change over to Gary was all but impossible.

I called Sarai with my dilemma. Sarai talked to her mother while she was talking to me. One option would be for Sarai to come with our family to our church service. Mrs. Duvall had wanted Gary to go with their family, and she insisted Sarai should be with them. I did not like seeing Caryn permitted to go with them tonight was a compromise on their part. I did however agree to go with them as Sarai wanted me with her.

The gifts were wrapped and under the tree before the three of us, Miller women prepared for our evening. Dad would take Katie and me to Grandmothers, her church, and back. We would spend another half-hour there and hurry home. Grandmother was making a fuss over two granddaughters with her. Mrs. Braggs was with her son and daughter-in-law’s family for church services today and all day tomorrow. If I weren’t Caryn; I would not have seen it as special. The younger Mrs. Braggs doted over me with appreciation. Seemingly I was getting credit for the elder Ms. Braggs being in such good spirits.

It was a thirty-minute drive home; the changing of delicates was a must. My mother insisted I calm down and dispense with my attitude toward the Duvalls. “Caryn, your father and I would feel bad if Kathryn wasn’t with us. Do me the favor and give understanding to the Duvalls.”

It was a help to hear Mom’s thoughts, “Mom, when did I become more Caryn. Before I would have raged about the Duvalls?”

Mother asked me to pause, “Were you raging inside the quiet presence of Gary? You would never have been with Sarai if she didn’t bring you out.”

I thought, “Mom I wish I had time, maybe we could talk about what Gary felt after Christmas.” I finished changing. My dress and makeup were done with not a moment to spare as Dad dropped me off at the Duvalls…

To be continued…

Previously: My mother insisted I calm down and dispense with my attitude toward the Duvalls. “Caryn, your father and I would feel bad if Kathryn wasn’t with us. Do me the favor and give some understanding to the Duvalls.” …It was a help to hear Mom’s thoughts, “Mom, when did I become more Caryn? Before, I would have raged about the Duvalls?” …Mother asked me to pause, “Were you raging inside the quiet presence of Gary? You would never have been with Sarai if first, she didn’t bring you out.” …I thought, “Mom I wish I had time, maybe we could talk about what Gary felt after Christmas.” I finished changing. My dress and makeup were done with not a moment to spare as Dad dropped me off at the Duvalls… I was surprised getting to the Duvalls, my Dad stopped the vehicle leaned over, and kissed me on the cheek. “Have a good time Caryn.” My response was a smile and, “Thanks, Daddy…”

Now: Once inside, the Duvalls welcomed me and introduced me to Mrs. Duvalls’ parents Lily and John Larsen. I couldn’t believe myself curtsying to them and shaking their hands. Lily turned to Sarai, “My what a polite young woman.”

Mr. Duvall hurried us out the door. When I saw his SUV running, I was disheartened at the thought of climbing in and out of the back of that. Mrs. Duvall spoke up, “My parents are riding with us, and Rachel will be driving you girls.” With that mentioned I saw tires on the other side of the SUV.

It was a 2018 red Encore that she got for her high school graduation. The seats are nice leather, but cold as she hadn’t warmed up the vehicle. The five miles to the church provided time to get in a good discussion.

The redeeming thing about sitting in a second service was I was with Sarai, though I wasn’t to show any affection to her. Her church had a bigger choir and between them and the congregation, the music was joyous. The third benefit was we saw some friends. Getting compliments for looking pretty for Christmas was new to me.

The older Duvalls went quickly home after the service. But Rachel wanted to visit some friends. There was a guy she didn’t know but hoped someone would introduce her.

Sarai’s friend Tiffany commented, “Caryn, you walk so much better in heels. I have a friend, Andre, that I’d be happy to introduce to you when you’re interested in dating boys.”

Sarai gave Tiff a stare; Tiff said, “Back-off, it was a joke.”

I find myself adjusting and being able to stand outside in a conversation and not notice getting cold. Donnelly a friend of ours even comments, “Caryn, I see you’re getting into the girl mode of being able to stand out here like that.” He said, “You know you’re upsetting a bunch of our parents. My Dad even asked me if I was tempted to do something like that? They wanting to know if we see it as normal. ”

“What did you say back to him?”

Donnelly said, “I just told him that a number of us like you and find it normal for you.”

Rachel gave me a ride directly home and Sarai walked me up to my house and we kissed goodnight.

I was hoping for more time and messaged her hoping Sarai would contact me if we could talk.

With no little kids around, our family didn’t get up early to share gifts. I was up around seven and I made my way to the kitchen. Mom had hot water for the tea that I used to get a hot cup of Russian spiced tea. Mom smiles, “What a difference a year makes. My prayer last Christmas for you to come out of your shell. That was answered differently than I anticipated. It is still an adjustment, but I am happy for you and us.”

“I hear that Grandma Miller wants you as Caryn for Christmas. I had already told my mother that is who I anticipate you being… How did it go attending the service with the Duvalls?”

“The time went well. Mrs. Duvall was warm to me. Sarai’s Grandparents Lily and John Larsen were there. I’m not sure they know I’m more than a friend of Sarai, or about me as Gary.”

Mom says, “I expect they at least part of it, but they weren’t going to discuss it with you going to the church service? Sarai going out with a girl might be a big enough concern for them to wrap their mind around.”

She asked, “Are your feet cold from the vinyl floor?” They were, so Mom retrieved my Christmas stocking and handed me a pair of fluffy socks like what she and my sister wore. They were pink with white snowflakes and more. The lining looked like lamb’s wool.

Dad, Katie, and Grandma Miller were all soon awake and out to the kitchen. Mom had already gotten the cinnamon buns out of the oven and she and Grandma were icing them. “Mm, They’re delicious,” Katie hummed. I had switched to a cup of tea to enjoy my cinnamon roll with.

Katie had snuck me two pills from a disk she had replaced. “You should start taking them again until your next appointment. Mom knows, but don’t be talking about them.” She stuffed the remaining pill cartridge in my robe pocket. She kissed my cheek whispering, “Merry Christmas sister.”

“Thanks, I like that.”

It was 9:30 in the morning when Dad was back from the assisted living place with Great-Grandmother. When I greeted her she asked me to sit with her and talk. “Gary, I will call you by Caryn in a minute. But I need you to know you don’t have a good reason for staying away from visiting me. The fact that I’m not fully accepting of this, shouldn’t stop you. I love you very much and wouldn’t hurt you.”

I try to speak, but she puts up a finger that is a prelude to ‘she isn’t finished talking.’ “Your persistence, however, indicates this is you for at least now. I miss seeing you, and if you’re Caryn, we should probably have more to talk about.”

“Grams, you’re right; I shouldn’t have allowed myself to get so busy. When I’ve thought of it, it’s hard to get used to a car.”

Great Grams responds, “I’ll tell my grandson to take out some of my money to help him get Katie a vehicle for college and that you should become the primary driver of the present car.”

I said, “How about Katie and I come to see you on December 30? It will help keep a conversation going if she’s with me.”

Great Grams says, “You can’t go changing the date as I’ve got a busy calendar too.” She sat up straight like an idea had come to her. “I was just thinking, I have a car in my garage at the Riverbend Living Center. I’m not to be driving in this cold weather. Maybe you can be with your father in taking me back and you can bring back my car to drive. It is only while you’re on holiday break and there’s no snow on the roadway.”

I said, “You should stay here tonight. One of you can stay in my room and I’d sleep in Katie’s room on the floor.”

“Nice offer young lady, but I have medicine to take and I’m used to my own bed.” Grams pats my hand, “I appreciate the thought. Maybe you could stay with me and sleep in my recliner or something?”

Mom finds it amusing that I’m sitting on the floor next to Great Grams for our gift time. I’m surprised when I get a gift from Great Grams. It is in a small jewelry box that could be for a watch or bracelet. Opening the box I find a silver and turquoise bracelet. Grams asks, “Is it okay? It’s from when your Great-Grandfather and I vacationed in New Mexico. I’ve given something to each of my granddaughters and great-granddaughters. Yes, I’m accepting you’re a granddaughter.” I took it out of the box and Grams helps me put it on.

Nana Miller asks, “Are we going to see Sarai today?” I told her it would probably be around seven when I came back from Sarai’s. “That’s if Sarai’s family is willing to share her.”

Mom said, “Caryn, you have to be back no later than 6:oo as that’s when your Grandparents on my side come. If you take Great Grams back, you might not get to Sarai’s at all.”

“Mom,” I moan.

Mom says, “I don’t want to hear it. We’re always supposed to understand what the Duvall’s want. This is my first Christmas with you Caryn that should count for some special time here.”

I’m not excited about driving Grams Chrysler back in the dark. I’m touched more about Mom wanting time with me. But yes, I drove Great Gram’s car back.

Katie was correct when before Christmas said I might get a vanity from Dad and Mom. It is more white and pink than I would have chosen. But it is also nicer than I would have imagined. Sarai and I visited with my phone on speaker as I was setting up my vanity. Katie having been told of the gift and with Grandma Miller’s help had bought me a case full of makeup.

We were talking when I looked up and saw in the mirror my cousin Megan Edwards and Todd Chambers her fiancée. She hugged me from behind and as we gazed into the mirror she asked me, “Who is this beautiful girl in the mirror?”

Not to be upstaged, I said, “It is you and your cousin Caryn.”

She looked up to her fiancé, “Todd this is my cousin Caryn! Isn’t she beautiful?”

Todd let it slip, “Pre ...ttier than I would have imagined.” Todd stumbled over his words as he tried to apologize.

I said, “I can only imagine after you saw me in the running skirt that I am prettier than you hoped.”

He said, “How did you know, I saw you in a running skirt?”

I said, “It is what I would have done if my bride had asked the likes of me to be her bridesmaid. The fact that you went along with it; tells me how much you love Megan.”

Megan stands and turns to Todd, “Was that true or is she guessing?”

He says, “She guessed fairly well, but it is true that I love you that much.”

I said, “If you two need a room; you can stay in this one. Let me gather some things to sleep on the floor in Kate’s room.”

Megan giggled, “Thanks, but we’re not staying here.”

Finally, I heard Sarai laughing over the phone. She and I called it a night. Sarai as she was ending the call, said, “I need to tell you a joyful surprise tomorrow.”

Itching to know more of the surprise, I called back, but Sarai must have turned off her phone to tease me even more. I was fit to be tied until I finally fell asleep.

It was ten in the morning before both houses agreed I could go over the Duvalls to see Sarai. She grabbed my hand saying her parents already knew. “I hope you’re as excited as my Mom?” She waited until her mom came into the room. “I’m going to do what you suggested. I’m staying in school here and graduating with my classmates. And then I’ll be attending the June program at Auggie.”

I was smothering Sarai’s lips with a kiss almost as soon as she quit talking. She spoke out of the side of her mouth, saying, “Cool it my mom’s here.”

I stopped and turned to her mother saying, “I’m sorry, I got carried away…”

Janis said, “I’m just thankful you shared that idea and that we both get to have her stay longer.”

I asked Sarai, “Is there any chance that you’ll fulfill your Sister’s wish and go to a college closer?”

Sarai was emphatic, “No, how Augustana cooperated with my wish; I’m sure I’m going to the right university. They are hoping you’ll be coming too.”

I had to quickly run to their bathroom. My body was so excited, I was afraid I was going to explode. I hurried to close the door behind me, so I could pull down my panties and sit. It doesn’t work too well for an excited boy. I had to forcefully push that member down. I didn’t spurt much, but it was enough to conflict with my feminine scent.

It took a few moments longer to collect and refresh myself. But I needed my purse and a touch of perfume to assure myself that I was presentable. Sarai giggled a little as she handed me my purse through a small opening of the door.

Fixing my lipstick and makeup from my kiss and hug became enough for others who wanted to know why I took so long in the bathroom. Rachel joked, “You know if you were a real girl; you have been able to hold your bladder.”

Sarai and Mrs. Duvall were nice enough not to inform her what really happened.

Among other things, I got a beautiful white blouse with a fashionable white Augustana insignia embroidered into it over the left breast. Sarai later told me that her mother got it at the women’s shop where we saw fine women’s clothes. I was sure that the blouse sold for over one hundred dollars, which was plenty out of my league.

I felt bad when I took Sarai over to my house and I shared my gift with her. I didn’t know, until they gave a gift to her, how both sets of parents really thought of us.

I had gone to my room and changed into a nicer skirt and put on the blouse I got from the Duvalls.

My dad had pinned some mistletoe over the entry to the living room and stopped us as we were ready to enter. Mom and Katie were ready to catch the moment of our kissing under the mistletoe.

Grandmothers Edwards and Miller were both here and anxious to meet Sarai. It was quite nice how they took to her. Grandma Edwards said, “I knew Gary had taken his looks from his mother, but how was it that you saw a girl in him?”

Sarai acknowledged, “I hadn’t. It took him being happy as a runner again and seeing him in the running skirt. Even then I wasn’t sure. I just gave him the support to go forward. It was a kiss that Caryn gave me when I saw snapshots of her.”

Grandma Miller perked up, “You’re saying she really came from inside of Gary and that she wasn’t forced?”

I said, “It was when I went warming up with girls who ran first in a meet and the guys rebuffed me for it. I even began wearing a pair of their warm-up leggings. Little by little I found myself relating to them and being able to talk with other girls. I felt comfortable talking like I was another girl.”

Grandmother Edwards placed two pieces of jewelry on a table next to her. “Wow,” said Sarai, “They’re beautiful, and finely crafted silver.”

Grandmother asked to put on the hammered silver bracelet. When Sarai resisted, Grandmother said, Caryn bought it from me for you, but he wanted to make sure that you liked it.”

Sarai said, “I would mind it, but he didn’t buy it from you. He couldn’t have afforded it.” Grandmother took Sarai’s hand and turned her palm up and put on the bracelet. Caryn already received a piece of jewelry and Katie has received several pieces. I hope that you’ll be longtime friends.”

Grandma Miller gave Sarai a nice card with a gift card inside. This is our thanks for bringing our grandchild out of her shell. Whatever comes down the road for her will be an outgrowth of her friendship with you.”

It was me who first broke into tears and hugged my two grandmothers…

To be continued…

Sarai was pleasantly surprised how my grandparents were to her. She correctly understood that the gifts were given without expectation of what would become of our relationship. “The joy you have brought back into Caryn’s life is remarkable. I haven’t seen him this happy since she was Gary about the age of seven or eight when she tagged along with her sister,” Grandma Edwards said. “Then we were afraid he was going to take after his sister for all the wrong reasons. Caryn loves you, but she isn’t enmeshed with you any longer. I think the past month was actually good for Gary to make sure it was he who wanted to be Caryn.”

Sarai said, “I like what you’re saying. I think Gary will always be there and I fell for Gary first. The longer he teased at being like a girl, and the more I began to see Caryn blossom. Well, the more I drew close and fell in love with her… Mrs. Edwards did you ever love someone so much, but felt you were wanting something you shouldn’t?”

Grandma Edwards let out a giggle that she quickly tried to hide. Grandma and Sarai both stared at one another, knowing there was more. “Now young woman can I trust you to say something… There has never been someone I loved as much as my Samuel. But before him, I loved a piece of forbidden fruit named Angela. She was catholic and another woman, which were both forbidden in the home I grew up in. It was a much stricter time then.”

Sarai smiled and said, “Thanks for trusting me. It will be safe with me… I’m having trouble coming to terms with Caryn and I being lesbian lovers.” Sarai asked, “Can I trust you enough to say, it felt very different to give Caryn a passionate kiss, lipstick to lipstick.”

Grandma opened her arms. “I never thought my spirit sister would be two generations younger than me. This is refreshing to know you.”

Sarai had been with Grandma Edwards had gone alone longer than I ever imagined, but I hadn’t heard any troubling noise. My mom consoled me, saying it had to be good.

When Sarai and Grandma first emerged out of the study area, I saw the silver bracelet. Taking it as a good sign I relaxed. Sarai said, “Your Grandma and I are soulmates.” As much as I tried, neither would tell me more.

I did take Sarai for a ride in Great Grams car. We were on a highway leaving town when I saw police car lights come from behind me. I wanted to hit the gas pedal and elude them. But good sense overcame me and I broke and pulled over to the side. I turned to Sarai, “This is going to be funny or bad news with me dressed as Caryn.” Sarai couldn’t help but laugh.

Deputy Sheriff Jim Noland approached asking, “Let me see your driver’s license and car registration young woman?” I had retrieved the registration from the glove compartment and my license from my purse and gave them to him.

“Out of the car, sir, if this is you?”

I changed my voice to Gary’s, “I can explain. This is my great-grandma’s car that I’m using. Concerning me; I only recently realized I’m transgender. If you follow school sports and know of our cross-country team; you might have heard of me, Gary Miller. I’m now going by Caryn, I have an identification card someplace.”

He asked, “Christina Miller’s son? Can I call her to verify your information and to inform her Great Grandma’s car has a broken light out on the right-side rear?”

He said, “Cute, I have a great-grandson driving his great grams car dressed as a woman. I’d like to settle this with a warning or less, but indulge me. We will do it my way if you don’t mind. I want you to come back in the squad vehicle while I make the call.”

I know he shook his head as I got into the car sweeping my skirt under my legs. I even pulled down the hem a little.

“Hello, is this Christina Miller. This is Deputy Jim Noland… Yes everyone is okay. I just pulled over your son/your daughter Caryn. The brake light was out on the rear passenger side of the car. Since it’s not his car, I wanted to verify the information and make sure the warning is properly handled. We need proof that the problem is fixed or the fine going against Great Grams as well as him… Sorry for mixing up pronouns but I’m not sure what is proper in this case… No, she hasn’t found her identification as Caryn yet.”

Satisfied, Deputy Noland gives me the warning slip and tells me to circle the coming corner. He was following me home. I wanted to give Sarai a ride home, but he wouldn’t permit it.

I had hoped to give Sarai some close attention, but now Katie and I had to take her home in Katie’s car. Even with hot and cold showers, I was going to be wired and have trouble sleeping.

It was four-thirty in the morning when I finally got dressed and went out running. I had run two miles when Officer Marcia pulled her squad car up next to me. “Ms. Caryn, you are Caryn aren’t you? What has you out running near five o’clock in the morning?”

I said, “You wouldn’t understand. Something frustrated me and I’m running it off?”

She laughed and said, “Is this Caryn saying it because I’m a woman?” I stopped running and Marcia invited me in the squad car. She called in that she was going to get to breakfast.

They asked if she had talked to the runner? “Ten-four, we’re taking time to talk.”

Marcia found a corner to a café that was just opening up. “You know,” said Marcia, “There’s a number of women quietly worried that your growing sensitivity is going to get to you? Most girls need to learn to get a release. A very warm oil bath and exploring oneself does it for most women.”

I asked, “How did you know?”

“I heard you were out driving with a girl last evening and needed to go home… When I saw you running, I wondered. And now, you have just been to the restroom, but for some other reason, you’re squeezing your legs close together. I don’t think you’re trying too hard to be modest. I don’t know if it is a guy thing or a girl thing, but instead of a cold shower, I recommend the warm oil bath and being nice to yourself.” She lightly smiled as she saw my astonishment with what she was saying.

We ordered breakfast and eating. The discussion turned to Marcia liking my style where it came to fashion. We had a nice breakfast and visit. Finally, since I was over a mile from home, I let Marcia give me a ride home.

I did take a hot bath using two caps of Katie’s bath oils. Mom tapped on the door after she awoke. “Are you okay in there?”

“Yes, Mom. I had been out running and got sweaty.”

She said, “It smells like you ate breakfast as well. We’ll talk when you are ready.”

I was surprised that the secret stayed between Officer Marcia and me. She would become another friend that I could confide in.

I did tell my Mom that Deputy Marcia saw me and that we ate breakfast together, Marcia’s treat.

The week between Christmas and New Year’s was fun. No, major responsibilities or reasons to get up early. Mom was having me do more chores around the house, but she swore it wasn’t just because I’m a girl. “You should know these things, to be able to do them and not be dependent on others. I emphasized things like this when Katie was your age.”

The first day included writing thank you cards for my Christmas gifts. “Mom, do I need to write cards if I said, ‘Thank you’ when I received it?”

She asked, “Do you remember all your gifts and who they were from?”

“Kind of,” I said.

“This will help you to become a little more mindful of others and what they do for you.” Mom said, “It especially hurt your grandmothers when you didn’t say thank you or remember what they bought for you. And this year people have gone an extra mile being nice to you. My mother sharing jewelry with you and Sarai was especially meaningful to her.”

Katie and I called Great Grams and moved up our date to see her. We agreed to treat grandma to dinner away from Riverbend Assisted Living Center. But Grams wanted to stay at Riverbend so she could show us off to other residents. We agreed to eat with her today and take her out the next day.

Katie and I were like younger girls dressing up for their grandmother. Katie and I were both pleased as the meals were good and tasty. Once back to her apartment Great Grams gave each of us a hoop for needle pointing. The cloth was already stretched over the hoops, the designs were simple and the stitch was a simple cross stitch. While it took more concentration on our part. It allowed us to visit with grandma. We were over a half-hour into the project when Grams had us put the hoops down to take home and work on there. The next hour was her showing old family pictures. Many of the family longer ago than we knew about. Grams even had stories about her great-grandparents. That took us back six generations; they were from England and Prussia. The latter was from the region of present-day Germany and Austria. She said, “The family name came from the men’s’ side of the families, but most often it was us women who kept track of the family lines.”

The hour of talking about family had become three hours and neither Katie or I had become bored. When we left, Grams gave me permission to bring Sarai for our dinner out the next day.

On our way home, I asked Katie, “Do regular girls feel like I do? It is like I’m happy over little things like being with Grams and then her inviting Sarai to be part of our gathering tomorrow.”

Katie turns to me as I’m driving, “These aren’t little things. You’re growing up to see your times with Grams as special. And she wants to share the special person in your life… I bet you enjoyed hearing about our extra-great grandma sailing on a ship to come to America.”

I responded, “Isn’t it neat to imagine she was about our age. She traveled to live with her Aunt and meet our 5th great-grandpa. They had only written. I’m glad they fell in love and got married.”

My sister giggled at the girl I was becoming. “You’re becoming more beautiful Caryn, beautiful inside and out.”

Our mom and dad were amused when they saw our hoops with the cross-stitch work. Each evening I had time visiting with Sarai. This evening Sarai came over to my house. We were hugging when her hand came under my skirt. She was hugging my panty-clad bottom. She had a song playing over her phone as we danced. Katie had come into the room where we were dancing and more. She smirked, “I’m jealous, but I suggest hands come back out before my mother brings refreshments.”

Sarai brought her hands out but kept us dancing. “Mm, that was like touching something soft and slick. I love how you feel girlfriend.”

She stops and turns to Kate, “You know we’ve touched before, but your sister is becoming one of us. I’m not offering to you, but have you squeezed another girl’s buns?”

Now it was Katie turning red; she chose not to answer. Instead, she said, “Mandi and Patricia called and they were wondering if we’d be open to going out with a bunch of boys on New Year’s Eve down to the Plaza?”

“Dah,” I say, “You’re asking her in front of me?”

Katie said, “You’re included. After all, both of you agreed that you should date others.”

I became silent, not knowing what to say. I didn’t expect Sarai to show interest either. “I don’t know, do you think we should Caryn?”…

To be continued…

<=^_^=
Previously: Instead she said, “Mandi and Patricia called and they were wondering if we’d be open to going out with a bunch of boys on New Year’s Eve down to the Plaza?” …“Dah,” I say, “You’re asking her in front of me?” …Katie says, “You’re included. After all the both of you agreed that you should date others.” …I became silent, not knowing what to say. I didn’t expect Sarai to show interest either. “I don’t know, do you think we should Caryn?”…

I call out to my Dad, worried that Mom just might side with them.

My father called me down to visit him in the den off from the general living area. “Dad, you won’t believe it. Katie just shared an invite from her and Sarai’s friends, Mandi and Patricia. They want us to go down to the Plaza for the New Year’s Eve celebration with a bunch of boys.”

Dad asks, “Are you asking for permission or is there a problem?”

“Dad!” I said, “The boys and girls usually match up like dates.”

Dad says, “You both have said you should do it sometime. If you’re not ready, just say no.”

“Dad, you’re going to let me go with a guy?”

“Caryn, other than making sure he’s comfortable with you; I don’t see a problem. Yes, it might scare you to do something new. It would be a new step in your growth as Caryn. I feel for you. It’s not the path I chose so I don’t know what other advice to give you. You have my blessing, whatever you decide.”

‘Hm, sometimes I wish I were younger and others decided things for me.’ My alter ego speaks up, ‘No, you don’t. Part of the reason to be you is to make your own decisions.’

I can’t say, I wasn’t nervous when I went back to Katie and Sarai. Katie says, “Everyone is waiting to know your decision. They want to know the number of us girls so we’ll match up with the number of guys.”

I said, “Sarai if this is something we should do I’m in.”

Sarai responded, “I already decided yes, but I’m not deciding for you. It is something we agreed to.”

I turned to my sister, “Count me in.”

The next day, Sarai was over by 11:00 so the three of us could go and take Great Grams out for dinner at noon. Grams wanted to go to Jade Garden, a Thai restaurant. “I want something with different tastes but not too spicy hot,” she said.

The host introduces himself, Decha Niran, and he compliments us for bringing our Grandmother. He gives a half-bow when she says she is over ninety years old. The day is cold so Mr. Niran brings a drink for Grams. It is no more than a thimble in amount, but it does the job of warming up Grams and she’s joyful for his kindness.

She orders a dinner of pork, rice, and vegetables with a sauce to go over it. I order a similar dinner with a hotter sauce. Katie and Sarai ordered to their tastes.

Grams looked at my hands and drew one to her. She admired my fingernails, “Are you able to paint your own this well?”

“Great Gram, I did those nails. If they were more detailed that would have required Katie or Sarai. These are pretty simple.”

She said. “But ones as even and as well done as these are usually done by girls… We’ve had a few male workers at Riverbend who serve our meals who paint their nails. But they are not as good as yours.”

Sarai injects, “But Caryn is one of us Great-Grams.” Sarai and Grams smile at each other.

Grams says to Katie and Sarai, “My thanks to you girls. It requires a lot of patience to allow someone younger to gain the needed experience. I had a younger sister and daughters, I should know.”

Katie and Sarai lightly laughed in agreement.

Great Grams tapped my hand, “We should go to the Lady’s room. We have one more stop before you take me back.” I was surprised she dared to include me.

After dinner, we went to a photo place at the mall and had a picture of Katie, Great Grams, and myself taken. Grams said the picture was hers but hoped we would treasure it in due time. We were going back out to the car when Katie said she forgot her purse. She went back and would meet us in the car.

Grams laughed as I drove the car, that I was driving my ‘Miss. Daisy.’ She said, “You have to admit this old bird has her whit’s. You’ve come to see me two days in a row and have one more time before you go back to school.” We spent another half hour back at Grams.

Grams said to Sarai, “You know that you should have Gary’s sperm harvested from him in case you should decide to get married as two women.” She paused, “You would make beautiful babies together.”

Sarai and I blushed profusely; Grams said, “My gosh, you’re already doing it. Aren’t you?”

Sarai hugged me and buried her face in my shoulder. Grams said, “Now isn’t that a pretty sight. You know Sarai, you are a beautiful young woman and Caryn is fortunate to have your love. Gary had raved about you, now I know why.”

Grams went to a drawer in the living area and found a ribbon. She had Sarai and I hold hands and weaved the ribbon around our hands. “Now Katie you can drive them home. See if you can do it with their hands ribboned together.”

Katie said, “But I don’t want to be seen driving them around. I want one of them up with me.”

Grams says, “Do it as a favor to me.”

Then as we were going to walk out the door; Great Grams said, “Wait, come back in and close the door. There’s one more thing that I have to ask.” She has us sit, it must be important. “Please don’t tell anyone yet what I told you. I never thought I would tell anyone that secret. But Caryn and Sarai being as you are; it was like sharing a weight upon my heart. Kate and Caryn, I need you not to tell anyone until I have told your father. And you are never to tell your Grandmother Miller. I don’t want her thinking the worse of me.” She asks, “Is that agreeable?”

Katie says, “Wow, Grams, really trust us. We honored that you told us about it.”

“Thanks, Grams. It meant a lot to Sarai and me. You have our word. I agree, I think Dad will be understanding now. He does think the world of you. I’m sure he’ll and Mom will be moved hearing it from you.”

Sarai, “Thanks, can I adopt you as a Great Grams too?” Grams gave Sarai a hug that she held longer.

Part of the way home we were quiet, and then talked about how special the time was.

The next day I got together with my girlfriends in my grade Hope, Jennifer, Monica, and Tiffany. Jenni and I talked alone for a short bit. Jenni said, “I need to tell you I’m keeping our relationship as just friends as long as you’re going with Sarai. I want our friendship to continue, and not interfere with you and Sarai. I don’t want any tension between her and me when we see each other.”

I took a small gift out of my purse and handed it to Jenni. “You are special, but I agree and thank you. You can open it up later if you would.”

I had a gift card from Grandmother Miller with which I bought a nice skirt and fancy tights for tonight, the New Year’s Eve gathering. The skirt would be warm and should help me being out in the cold at night.

Needless to say, I was nervous as could be. Ashley Nolan remarking, “Look how she dressed up for her date. It looks like you’re trying to impress a boy, Caryn.”

Sarai stepped forward, “Well, I’m glad that her perfume is subtle… You do look nice Caryn. I hope you have a good night. I won’t spy on you if you don’t on me, okay?”

Katie turned to me, “Sis, I’m told your date is six foot tall. You might want to change into heels. I have a pair with a slightly wider heel and I know you do as well. Please change into one of them.”

It was nine o’clock when we went to the plaza. I recognized Dane as a boy that I knew. He was going to the junior college nearby. Being from our town, I was fairly sure that he knew who I was.

He was in a nice pair of jeans, a blue pullover, and a jacket that was open that showed a fit body. I couldn’t remember him playing sports. He came over to me and introduced himself. “I’m Dane Brown, it’s nice to see you again Caryn. I guess we’re dates for the evening, I look forward to being with you.”

We went to a restaurant/pub just off the plaza. The music was festive with old songs and new. Our group was at different tables in different areas of the pub. Needless to say, Sarai and I were out of sight from each other. The food was finger food of wings, loaded mushrooms, and loaded nachos.

Soon Dane and I were up dancing. The first two we faster with us apart which suited me well. I was set to get through the evening, not planning to get close. The third dance was slow and Dane led the dancing and our talking.

Against my plan, I found myself enjoying dancing with him. His flattery was touching. He said, “I’m majoring in sports broadcasting and sports information.” Then he said, “You’re going to make the sports world interesting. You found running as Gary in a running skirt acceptable. I for one think you are an ideal person for making the change to running like a girl.”

I asked, “Why do you say that?”

“You’re being accepted as a girl, and there is a growing group of onlookers in the region hoping you make the change.” He said, “I know that Midwest university is hoping you consider them as Sarai did? That’s high praise from a high ranking women’s program. Getting Sarai away from the East is a feather in their cap. And a church-based university interested in you is high praise as well.”

I said, “Sarai and I seek to be good for a team, we’re good students, and like running. I just hope if I transition, I can keep a lot of my ability.”

Dane hugged me as the dance ended and I felt a kiss on the cheek.

Once off the dance floor, I went to the women’s restroom with Katie. She said, “I see his magic is working on you.”

“We’ve only danced and talked,” I said.

“Yes, but I can tell you like being with him?”

I said, “What makes you say that?”

“Earlier, you were set not to enjoy yourself. That has changed. It is okay Sis if you like boys. It was expected by everyone but you.”

I wasn’t going to fix my makeup but Katie balked at us leaving the women’s room until I did. When I talked with Dane; I found that he was a baseball player along with being a sports enthusiast in general. His desire at making it in baseball was to be credible to others as an athlete. He liked racquetball to keep him in shape and agile as an infielder. Inadvertently, I agreed to play him once in a friendly game. I know how to play, but I know I probably wouldn’t be much competition.

It was eleven o’clock when we made our way outside and again our group did not meet up with the other group. The night cold had set in with good a breeze that I was getting cold. I gave in, “Dane, I wasn’t going to do this, but I’d like your help in staying warm.”

He said, “That is manageable. I’d like a kiss to help me stay warm as well.” I looked up to him and let him snug me and we kissed. It went from one to two kisses; the second with a little feeling. “Now that didn’t hurt did it?” I didn’t need to answer.

I liked that Dane was not loud, rude, nor drinking hard. He squeezed my buns and I could tell he was excited. He knew nothing more was going to happen between us tonight. We stayed for the new year to begin and a half-hour into the concert that followed.

When the crowd thinned out; we met back up with the other part of our group. Sarai and I both could tell we had kissed our dates. First anxious we soon relaxed. I found it ironic that I was the one who kind of measured up Steven Drake, her date, and thought I had the better of the two.

The consensus was everyone had a good time.

Once home, Katie said, “I hope you are pleased with yourself. You changed your attitude and seemingly had a good time.”

It was three weeks later, the day before I was going back to see Great Grams. Mom and Dad sat down with me, Dad said, “Your Great Grandmother is very impressed with you. Not only did you take time to have a good visit when you took her car back. But you held her secret until she was able to tell it to us in person. I had thought my Grandmother and her friend had been angry with one another while my father was alive. It seemed to be a great release for her when she was able to tell someone. I appreciate that she was able to tell me. And you were right, I probably have a better appreciation and acceptance because of you.”

Mom changed the subject and we talked privately. “You know the doctors have probably hosted enough sperm from you. Tomorrow when we go see Dr. Michele Watts she is likely to bring up putting you on the testosterone blocker.”

I said, “I’m hoping my own female hormone production is still strong enough to keep me from maturing as a young man.”

Mom says, “Since there hasn’t been any sign of that these past two months. It is a good indication that is true. I’m thinking we’d have to wait longer or have a testosterone booster to get you developing as Gary if that would be what you wanted. Your statement indicates to me that you’re hoping to continue as Caryn.” When I shake my head affirming that Mom moves closer and gives me a hug. “It sounds like your counselor agrees you are healthy and emerging as Caryn. I thought it was interesting that she said Gary is still very much a part of you.”

I came home Saturday from my visit with Great Grams, and my mood was mixed. Grams had fallen earlier in the week and her memory wasn’t as good when I first got there. During our visit, her thoughts cleared up. Though one was a little disturbing. She said, “I think your great-grandpa knows about your change and is comfortable with it… I can’t quite remember what he said, other than Caryn makes a good girl… I tried to ask him more but the visit faded.”

I painted Great Grams’ finger and toenails as we visited. She asked me after they were dry to put on a pair of her knee-high stockings…

To be continued…

I came home Saturday from my visit with Great Grams, and my mood was mixed. Grams had fallen earlier in the week and her memory wasn’t as good… She said, “I think your great-grandpa knows about your change and is comfortable with it… That was said, despite my great-grandfather having died before I was born… I painted Great Grams’ finger and toenails as we visited…

Mom saw I was shaken when I came home visited with me. Mom gave me a hug to console me. Mom said, “You need to understand she’s getting older and some days are rougher for her. It does sound like your visit helped her.”

It was Monday when Mom went with me for my appointment with Dr. Michele Watts. I dressed as Caryn, and everyone from the receptionist, her nurse, and Dr. Michele commented on my appearance. Dr. Michele, “So how are you doing and how were your holidays?”

She did a thorough exam, asking questions, and sharing observations along the way. She told me that the lab holding my harvested sperm was satisfied that I’d be able to father a child. “It would be good to harvest one last batch. But if you’re set on being Caryn we should start back with the testosterone blocker after. It is impressive that your breast tissue has developed some. That indicates to me that you and Sarai have stimulated your body’s responses.”

I confessed to her that I had gone on a group date on New Year’s Eve and that Dane and I had played racquetball together twice since. She said, “You’ve probably done yourself a favor by doing that. Racquetball requires more movement of your hips and waist than does just running. It also helps you to know there is more to life than just one other person. If I may ask, did your body have any new feelings as Caryn?”

“I can’t say they’re new and I haven’t done as much as I have with Sarai.”

Dr. Watts says, “Thanks for sharing, and please know this isn’t true confession. This is all confidential between us. It does help me in understanding why your body has been stimulated.” She asked me, “Are your breasts stimulated by showers?”

I said, “Yes, sometimes, but how would you know to ask something like that?”

She said, “It can happen especially if a woman is having romantic thoughts.” I could feel that I warmly blushed.

I gave the needed permission for my mother to meet with Dr. Watts and me. I had the last procedure to harvest some sperm. Then I received the first of a new set of shots to block testosterone production. Dr. Watts gave me a new prescription for female hormone therapy.

Sarai, Patti Duncan, and I are now ready to begin the indoor track season. Since it isn’t offered at our school, we travel twelve miles each way to practice and participate at Plainfield. There is the benefit of a large in-door track and a more diverse community.

I received some grief and problems from Mativa a black girl saying I was prejudice. I asked, “Why me, numerous people are also the prejudice of me?”

Mativa said, “You don’t have half as much grief coming your way as a black T-girl would. I have a friend Trevone who doesn’t even dare to practice with us. And I bet she doesn’t have the access to the medical care you do?”

I agreed if Trevone started to practice with the team we could team up in our training and running track meets. That meant I would have to practice running 100 and 200-meter races and the long jump as well as the 800 and 1600 meter races.

My official participation would be limited until the school athletic association decided upon my status. Among other issues, was if I was willing to commit to running and living as a transgender girl. That was an issue that I had not planned to address until the summer or later.

Since I hadn’t been committed to being transgender the minimal required time my participation wouldn’t count against most opponents.

Dr. Watts had actually welcomed Trevone as a patient. Trevone and I being friends suffered at first. I was not used to her in your face style. We both were less than happy to need another person to gain acceptance. (Readers: I would appreciate hearing from others if this speaks to them.) We started out respecting the other and only over time did our friendship strengthens.

My endurance helped me in the 200 hundred meter dash, but even then I was not real competition for Trevone or the first tier of female sprinters.

Another discussion all this brought forward was if and when I‘d change physically and live as a girl. It was around that discussion that my life that Dane and I parted company. He brought pressure upon me to change. Where Sarai knew it was a difficult decision for me. She encourages me to take the time and needed space to make my decision. We have since made out once. I now know what I’d miss.

Dr. Watts and my counselor did have me do a consult with a gender reassignment surgeon. Dr. Douglas seemingly a good professional with what mom calls good bedside manners. Things I’ve seen and my thoughts lean to have the surgery.

My studies as well as my running are going very well. Running an inside track makes running the outdoor track look even better. But during my last check-up with Dr. Watts, she asked whether my joints or bones were aching. When I answered in the affirmative, she suggested I cut back my stressing the bones until my body was further along in changing.

I complained that would likely set me back in my conditioning. She sat me down and we talked more fully about the life I was choosing. “When I clear you for cross-country next year you will need to work hard to get close to what Sarai was doing this past year. You won’t be running as well as you did last season.”

I became emphatic, “I already showed I could do it. What’s going to be able to stop me from doing it again?”

She said, “Your bones and muscles will both be changing. We told you this before, but like most athletes, you were sure you would prove us wrong. If you don’t back-off you’ll get debilitating shin-splints that will force you to. I don’t think you want to need therapy and to recondition yourself. If you’re serious about being a girl and an athlete, I suggest you join me at 6:00 a.m. a minimum of two times a week. You’ll work with me for ten weeks. It would be during my personal workout and not an official program. There won’t be any charge.”

“But that would take me well into the track season.”

Dr. Michele asked, “Am I correct in thinking you’ll be able to drive yourself? I do not want you forcing your sister or a parent up early to bring you and take you home.”

Sarai and I were now an item as school functions.

The class I had come to like most ‘Women’s Studies’ was now causing me trouble. Ms. Jacobi would get after me whenever I assumed I was thinking like a woman. “Ms. Caryn, how many times do we need to remind you that you’re coming with years of bias thinking. It is great that you are open to learning. However, I want Ms. Megan Devin to be your mentor over the next eight weeks of this semester.”

I said, “But she’s a genius, gifted in computer research, and our schedules are very different. Half the classes she has, are at a college. I think I’d do better with some other student. I could tell you, who would work out better.”

Ms. Jacobi said in response, “The others would allow you to stay in a smaller box where you’re comfortable. I already discussed this with Ms. Devin and she’s willing to invest the time you’ll need. It will be good for you to have a mentor who challenges how you think and process what you learn. I will allow you to opt-out of my idea. You would probably easily earn a C or B grade, but you won’t nearly grow as much.”

I first said, ‘I’d try it.’ But Ms. Jacobi balked until I agreed to commit myself to have Megan as my mentor. I agreed and we were soon isolated in the class. There were four other pairings that were soon agreed to.

Megan said to me, “I’m in the drama group and we’re both going to try out for the spring play, but we’re also going to be doing smaller dramas every other week as part of the rogue theatre players. It is theatre for and by mostly women. We challenge some generally accepted plays as women scriptwriters have rewritten the stories. I want you to read Margaret George’s novel “Mary, Called Magdalene’. I’m wanting you to consider Mary in contemporary times and what problems and obstacles would now be in her life… In the coming week, it would be good not to wear bras, but wear simple camisoles under a blouse or sweater. Would that be okay with you?”

She said, “I’d like you to come over to my house tomorrow. I’ll give you some tools and pointers in getting in touch with your inner you as well as thinking outside the box of people like Mary that you might have biased perceptions of. Please call me this evening to verify that will work. Remember it is your responsibility to work with me. I’ll inform Sarai that you’ll be working with me if that is okay. This is an assignment and nothing for her to get upset over.”

I’m already afraid I got in over my head. One of the reasons I like cross country and track is that I can visualize the course or track. I dislike what I cannot already conceptualize what I’m doing.

Tomorrow’s one of the days I will be working out with Dr. Watt at 6:00 a.m., I’ll have my general classes, and now I’m to be with Megan from 4:00 until 8:00 p.m. Mom has given me permission and Sarai giggled over the phone. Megan has talked to her.

“If Megan gets her way, you’ll be getting in touch with your vagina, and be upset with your prior sexist thinking. You’ll end up loving to be a woman even more.” Sarai tells me which pair of leggings I should wear to Megan’s.

She suggests I wear my vagina gaff with the legging and a short skirt. She’s amused that I’m not to be wearing bras for the next two weeks. I said it was to only be one week and she told me to take a day at a time. We would see each other in school and we’re looking forward to dating this weekend.

When I can, I enjoy running as a girl. And when I can’t I enjoy watching Sarai even more. But not running full force is for the birds. I’m pale in comparison to Sarai, but I would be able to place in a race if I were allowed to let myself go a little more. Dr. Watts had even come to a meet to watch me, check my pulse and blood pressure. I tried to impress her with what I could do. She was upset that it was what I wasn’t supposed to be doing.

That weekend Sarai and I were to go looking for prom dresses when Mrs. Duvall spoke up, saying, “I hope you’ll understand Caryn, but we’re insisting that Sarai have a traditional prom experience that she can look back upon. We’re sure you can find a date as well and that you’ll look beautiful. I’m sure you can appreciate what we’re saying.”

I am fighting back tears and my temper until I calmly getaway. “Mrs. Duvall, I’m a bit surprised, but I kind of sensed something was afoot. And to be honest, no I don’t appreciate what you’re saying. We might not be together forever, but I think what we have is beautiful and it would be a fine memory. I’ll honor it if this is what Sarai is going to go along with.”

“Well, I’m hurt that you feel that way,” Mr. Duvall added, “But it is the way it is going to be. We didn’t think you’d understand since you can’t see the larger picture that comes with years of experience. Sarai’s not fully happy either, but she’s accepted that it is the way it needs to be.”

I grabbed my sweater, and with my head down, I said goodbye to Sarai and left.

My arrival home was early and even before my mom sensed my mood, she knew something was wrong. I had broken into tears on my drive home. Now I was crying profusely in her arms. Much to Mom’s credit, she didn’t try to make me understand the Duvalls. “I am sorry for you, and if you want I’ll talk to them.”

“Mom, unless Sarai would be wanting it; it wouldn’t make a difference.”

When Katie came home later she became angry for me.

Sarai called to say she loved me and that both our hearts were aching. I told them I was hurt and angry and that I couldn’t be around her right now. The significance hit in the days ahead at school, and when we would have been dating.

Yes, I received an invitation to go to the prom but wasn’t willing to hear of it, at that time.

It was early April that I made a pivotal decision that I thought was months if not a year or more away.

Apr.2, Dear Journal,
I am writing this, hoping one day to return to these pages. I don’t ever plan to forget my time as Gary. I’m now sure I’m Caryn and I want to get on living my life. I’m declaring that I’m committed to being Caryn. It will about two months when Sarai goes to Auggie. We are talking but I have not decided for sure if I will follow her to her university.

I have decided to go to the prom with Jennifer Hanz. It is not the same as my feelings toward Sarai, but I do find I’m attracted to her…

To be continued…

I am near the end of my Junior year in high school, getting ready for the prom, and I am living twenty-four/seven as Caryn getting ready for Cousin Megan’s wedding. It will be good to soon get away and be with Megan.

I have chosen a slender gown to compliment Jennifer’s fuller prom dress. We have been dating and getting to know each other better. I find it interesting that Jennifer and I find it easy to talk about fashion, and we both like going together on a different bike and walking trails. Like myself, she’s interested in environmental science issues. Jennifer’s mom likes me, but she won’t allow me to be alone with Jenn in her room.

I mentioned our previous sleepover at Hope’s and Mrs. Hanz lightly laughed. My brother’s family is laxer than we are. If Hope and Jenni weren’t both going to be there, that would never have happened. But don’t get me wrong, I am happy for Jenn and excited the two of you are going to the prom.

Cousin Megan had stopped during Easter/spring break to check on Katie and me. She commented on how she noticed changes in my personality. Katie had told her it was due to my mentor Megan Devin from school. “My opinion is that she’s done you a big favor in liberating you. Between her and your relationship with Sarai being strained; you’re developing more as your own person. I am glad you for you Caryn.”

Cousin Megan and I were both pleased that I was filling out the bridesmaid dress better than at my first fitting. Wearing four-inch heel shoes with a narrow heel, showed that I had some practice walking to do. The further I move along in being a girl; I am enjoying such times. Jenni and I went to a dance studio twice to get tips on leading one another in dancing.

Once, walking to our car as we came out, we literally bumped into Sarai and Ashley. Sarai said, “You know Caryn I am sorry that I hurt your feelings the way I did. I am glad that you and Jenni are able to go to the prom. I hope we can be friends again, I still have strong feelings for you.”

I said, “Maybe we should talk again. But right now this is my time we Jenni. Ashley and Sarai, you two are looking good. As you know I’ve stopped running track while my body is dramatically changing. From the sounds of things from my doctors, I’ll have to do a lot of training if I am going to run with your speed and endurance in the fall.”

Ashley thought I was jesting since I had already outrun Sarai. But Sarai asked, “Have your muscles and legs changed that much?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, “But Jenni and I are together. I don’t think she particularly cares to hear about this.”

Jenni speaks up, “I most certainly want to hear about you and your beautiful legs. I saw you running yesterday, but I don’t know enough to say how well you did.”

I look to the three of them and I say, “I’m just starting to stretch my legs and test my stamina. I haven’t timed myself, but I felt good. I’m hopeful. Most of all I was enjoying myself when I ran.”

Sarai sincerely said, “Congratulations, that is the first hurdle.”

I smile, “And how about you, did Auggie like hearing you’re the fastest girl in the two-mile run?”

We soon went our separate ways, for which I was thankful. I still have strong feelings for Sarai, and those feelings were welling up inside of me. I either needed a cold shower or to get away from Sarai.

The following week Megan Devin, my mentor, and I were presenting our report to Ms. Jacobi. Megan had indeed liberated my thinking. Though all the while I was physically and emotionally becoming more of a woman. We had covenanted six extra weeks for our project. Ms. Jacobi reminded me that she thought I might.

I confessed, “I didn’t think it was a good idea and I was sure Megan and I were too different to click and work together. Megan was sly in getting me to realize as you said, that I was assuming I knew more than I did. However, her shaking my perceptions caused me to learn of new possibilities and to embrace what I liked. I wish her genius could have rubbed off on me.”

Ms. Jacobi responded, “If some of her genius hasn’t rubbed off on you; what do you credit being a better student too?”

I said, “You knew quite well that I’d be challenged and either sink or learn to swim better. I’m not only a better student, I’m a better woman.”

“Did you know I stayed overnight at her house? But her younger cousins were there and she got me involved in playing house with them. I was expecting things along a different line.”

Ms. Jacobi said, “It sounds like she wanted you in experiencing somethings you have already missed as a girl?”

“She gave me so many experiences,” I said, “that I feel like a new Caryn.” Ms. Jacobi smiled which indicated she was happy to hear my response.

Jenni Hanz and I were together for an evening with her cousin Hope and Monica. Hope would be going to the same salon as us tomorrow. All three girls indicated they had taken the proper precautions to be intimate after the prom. I stared at Jenn and we talk in private. She said being that intimate wasn’t needed, but she was hoping we might. “I’m willing to help you with the solvent and to secure your gaff if you’re willing?”

She gave me a passionate kiss, and at the end said, “Please.” There was no doubt that I’d like to be intimate, but I didn’t promise anything. I don’t love Jenni as much as I still love Sarai. She said, “I’d even bring a dildo if you’d like a girl experience.”

The latter experience is in some ways more desirable, but it would include the other beforehand. I shake my eyes as I’m amused. Gary wouldn’t have both possibilities without Caryn.

Katie was awake just after me; she had a morning salon appointment. She and I talked and were happy the prom was finally here. Mom was pressing me to go to school for half a day. Thankfully my sister told our Mom that I need to shower and pamper myself before my appointment. “Mom, she still has episodes of smelling like a boy. Today of all days that should not be.”

It wasn’t until after Katie left for her appointment that Mom told me to relax and take a bubble bath with some oil soap capsules.

Jenni and I chatted over a video call. We showed off our gowns one more time and talked about jewelry and shoes. Jenni was insisting we both wore stockings as opposed to pantyhose. That was for reasons I wouldn’t have thought of.

I took my bubble bath at 10:00 a.m. Mom waited until I was properly hidden in the water before she came in. I guess mom had enjoyed washing Kate’s back now and then. She remarked as she saw how much my breasts had started to develop. She asked, “Are your breasts becoming sensitive?” …“Wow, that is sooner than I expected. You remind me more and more of Katie when she was younger.”

Having someone sponge wash one’s back feels absolutely delightful. Mom says, “I can see your waist and hips are just beginning to change as well.”

I complained, “But I’m never going to look exactly like you or Katie.” I wanted my mother to tell me I was wrong.

Instead, she said, “But your transformation is going very well. You might need to settle on being an eight instead of a ten. You will never have a monthly visitor that is not a bad trade-off.” Mom left me alone until I was dried off and back into my room ready for my appliances applied.

Mom left the solution and the glue without any immediate comment but the message of quiet consent was obvious along with the leaving of condoms. I was dressed in a fresh pair of warm-up clothes. I wore a bulkier top that opened in the front.

I was at the Salon by ten of noon. Jennie arrived just after me. I’m to have Julie as my stylist beautician. I suspect she’s a young thirty, hopefully, she’s young enough to know my excitement and give me an age-appropriate style. Jenni and I had already chosen complimenting styles. Hers was more of a perm with curls going higher on her head. My hair would be with bigger curlers giving me wavier hair. The good news for me was that it was long enough to flow upon my shoulders.”

I was halfway through my appointment when Matt’s Pam came over. She had just finished her appointment. “I’m impressed Caryn, you’re a lovely girl. Who are you going to the prom with?”

I mentioned, “Jenni Hanz, she’s two chairs over.” And I complimented her, “Look how beautiful your hair is styled. I look forward to seeing you and Matt together.”

“Our being together, almost didn’t happen. Matt’s upset that I’m not following him to his university.” I gathered that college might include a parting of ways. She said, “You probably can appreciate the quandary with Sarai choosing a college so far away.”

I guess my eyes saddened when she mentioned Sarai. She whispers, “I guess Matt is correct that you still have feelings for her.” I simply made no comment. Pam squeezed my hand and left.

Lea was the one doing my pedicure and manicure. This was my third time for a pedicure. My nails would be a soft pink and my fingernails were decorated with white balloons. It was the first time for me wearing 3/4” long nails, luckily I would have a few hours to get used to them. Once done, Jenni came over with her phone, asking, “Do you remember the night we were over Hope’s for the sleepover? Here’s a picture of your feet then, and look at them now?” I almost cried as I now had the feet of a girl.

I loved the feel and look that came as Julie took out my rollers and brushed out my hair.

It also brought back a memory of when I was five or so and my mother took me to see her younger cousin. I guess she was ready to go to a prom and we saw her first at a salon and then at her home. She’s Aunt Tiffany to me, but I remember that time and my yearning wish to be a girl so I could be as beautiful as her.

I never did wish to be a prince or some male hero, especially if it meant running over others or killing people.

Here I was leaving the salon able to see myself as a princess with my hair and makeup pretty well done.

Next at home came the body shaper and getting dressed. What made the body shaper feel great was knowing how it trimmed my body. I coveted the feeling of the slender gown going down my body.

Katie was being picked up by her boyfriend Josh and I was allowed to use Great Grams’ car again. I joyfully stopped by Grams to show off my gown and how I looked. Three of her friends, including her best friend Doris were tickled to see me. My picture was the seventh taken and put up on their entrance board.

I picked up Jenni and her parents took pictures there. Her father Jim was not happy but didn’t get nasty while I was there. My Mom and Dad would get pictures at the school’s promenade of Katie, myself with our dates. Jenni and I got bumped so that three couples were allowed to go in before us. Finally, Jenni and I refused to step out of line. Out introduction, however, was short and not so sweet.

I apologized to Jenni; she responded they jealous because were the most beautiful couple in the bunch. That could have been debated as Staci Briggs, a senior, brought Melanie Scott a classmate of ours made a couple as well. It was a comfort to the four of us that it wasn’t just one couple.

Hope, Monica, Jenni, and I were together as three couples. Travis with Hope and Jerry with Monica did walk off at times to be with other friends. Travis openly said we had too much estrogen in our group.

While we saw Katie, Sarai, and Ashley, I made an effort to stay away from them. Yet Jenni was not fully comfortable being with me when I was with Staci and Melanie. The truth was Staci asked Jenni for a dance and I danced with Melanie two times.

It was 11:30 when Jenni coaxed me into leaving and us finding a parking spot out on old river road…

To be continued…

It was 11:30 when Jenni coaxed me to leave and finding a parking spot out on old river road…

We were at the turn-off for River Road when Jenni pulled into a lot of a closed gas station. She asked for a kiss and when we did; she said, “Your heart is not into this; is it?” Jenni said, “I want to do this to show you how much you mean to me. Maybe then, you’ll love me as much as I love you.”

I was caught off guard by her statement, but I had similar feelings. “Jenni, I think I do love you, but I think we’re both racing to try to prove something. I don’t think it’s bad, just early. Who, what are we trying to prove?”

We switched where we were going and ended up at the ocean. It was 3:00 by the time we were walking the beach with shoes in hand. It was 4:30 a.m. when we stop at a motel. I’m, sure woke up the woman who came to the counter. She muttered, “I hope you’re staying two nights to make it worthwhile you waking me.” I looked at Jenni and we decided to make a weekend of it.

We did kiss and enjoyed being together. I text my parents to tell them where we were and had decided to stay at the weekend. We struggled to stay awake as long as we did before we fell asleep. My phone sounded at 7:30, “I hope I woke you. I stayed up until 2:00 waiting to hear from you.”

Once she knew I was awake; she said, “I want you to call me in a few hours. Did you and Jenni have a good time?” She hung up.

Come 10:00 a.m. the air was warm with sunshine and a gentle breeze. He ate enough brunch for energy and was half a block away from the beach. Both of us called home; my parents were upset that I hadn’t text last night but admitted they were not surprised. Katie was at another beach but didn’t want me to know where. My guess was Sarai was in the area. Mom knew we got hassled and were very supportive. Jenni’s folks felt the same, but Mr. Hanz’ hoped Jenni understood that was the reality of the world.

We each had many messages and nine out of ten were supportive; especially pleased with us were the seniors.

We went to the beach to find Hope, Monica, and Tiffany. Monica and Hope were not there yet and Tiffany wasn’t coming. There were three other couples, of guys and girls. More guys, some of whom asked if we were alone? The guys insisted we would be better off with them. Two took our hint that we were together. We moved closer to the lifeguards to play it safe. The water was a very cold 62f. We initially walked at the water’s edge. Hope and Monica’s dates went into the water being macho but were soon out.

Being Saturday night and having a good Jersey boardwalk; we were waiting until then to have some good fun there. We went to the Wharf of the Inlet for dinner. Once we saw two good looking waiters, Jenni and I agreed to one dance for each of us, if asked. Oshie, the owner, approached us on their behalf. It would be a little after we relaxed from our meal. I danced with Lucas and Hayden danced with Jenni. One dance turned to two, but the things ended there. Jenni and I danced mostly with each other or together as a group.

The boardwalk lights were on when we went back out and there was a decent crowd for late May. Jenni thought she had seen Kate and the others, but I didn’t. It was not in either’s interest to be together.

It was nine-thirty when Jenni was back in our room. We showered together and there was foreplay and were kissing. We did end up physically making out. First as a boy and girl. Jenni directed me in pleasing her the first time. Knowing better what to do we enjoyed each other better. Jennie’s moans of pleasure were deeper and lasted longer. The truth was my boy parts didn’t return much enjoyment for me. It was the romance and being together that drove me.

I wanted to give Jennie more attention in the morning. Jennie knew better less her parents thought we had gone too far. Katie later told me that was true for both of us. But she was glad I grew a little more.

I was laxer with my makeup when we checked out which made the registrar clerk upset that I had fooled them to think I was fully a girl. Hope and her boyfriend had breakfast with us and Hope insisted I do better with my makeup before we started home.

It was Memorial Day Weekend the following week when our school celebrated graduation. I had to help my parents with Katie’s celebration. Katie going to the University of Penn with honors was quite an achievement.

My having my best semester yet, had happened without my realizing it. But Ms. Jennifer from the Augustana had not. She was also impressed with how much I had progressed in transitioning. Jennifer told me, “I believe if you beginning running this summer; you will be ready to run next year at the college level. You will be receiving communications from us, young lady.”

Jennifer had been there to represent Augustana as Sarai’s many achievements and scholarships were acknowledge. It would bet the coming week that Sarai would leave. She and I had made up and would have a date before she left. Sarai now had a warm but strained relationship with her mother.

Sarai was leaving in four days; I wanted to talk to her but was making it impossible even for my Mom and Katie to find me. I was tired of talking and didn’t know who to believe. Finally, Sarai told Katie, that she was afraid I would run away.

The truth was the next day I had hidden away and did not respond to those calling me.

Jenni finally told Katie, “Caryn’s too afraid to run away.” She’s smart and if there’s a safe place she can’t be seen or heard. That’s where I’d look for her.”

Katie knew two such places: one could be at the church and another was a small room over our garage. Katie assumed the church would be the second place. Dad checked the meter on the garage and it was using too much electricity. Mom, Dad, and Katie climbed the stairs in stocking feet. Mom knocked and announced we were coming in. I turned out the light 0ut as they came in. Mom simply said, "People are worried about you. Please don’t worry about being in trouble.”

There was a long discussion, and our family was immediately relieved. I called Sarai but didn’t say much, but we agreed to meet late in the morning. Dad threatened to spank or ground Caryn. That didn’t outlast my crying as Caryn.

“I just needed time to think things through?” But I had not made any progress. “Besides Dad’s threat would only work on Gary, not me.”

Mom had brought a pillow and comforter to my room and agreed to stay the night. It was something our mother had done with Katie. She figured it was Caryn’s turn. From 7:30 to nine I got a chat with friends and apologize for scaring them. It wasn’t right at 9:00 p.m. that I stopped and took time with mom. It was a good bonding time, as Mom accepted my thoughts and feelings. Before we went to sleep; I had a new appreciation of us being mom and daughter.

The next night I visited Sarai at the Duvalls and then took her out. Mrs. Duvall was cordial, and probably a little hurt about how joyful Sarai was. Sarai was excited to be with me as we picked up our friendship. “I’m sorry, Caryn. I knew giving in to my parents would hurt us. It hurt me more than you know, but I hid that from you.”

Neither talked about the prom, instead, we made promises that we’d see each other during the holidays.

The night before she left she had dinner over at my house. She was delighted at my growing taste in clothes, and how I carried myself as Caryn. It was a tearful goodbye when I took her home. I was not to receive her off. That was reserved for the extended family.

Monday, I went to stay at Cousin Megan’s in preparation for her wedding. Luckily I was very much a girl now in my habits. I did get my eyes open as a university student she was no longer the cousin I knew growing up. I was to stay with Megan in her room. When I was first shocked at seeing her in all her glory; she laughed and said, “That’s the purpose of this week. Come wedding day when we change I want as little difference as possible between you and my other bridesmaids.”

Travis the groomsman I was to be paired with, acted disinterested in me during rehearsal. He and I got along quite well during the wedding and we made it through the dancing at the reception. He had a girlfriend and was not interested in another. He was interested more in drinking with the college guys.

I did dance with a few people during the reception and enjoyed doing so all dressed up. Grandma Edwards and I were becoming closer.

Beginning to run again was not as easy as I hoped, but I ran well. Soon I was running better. I knew sometime during the season I would probably equal Sarai and maybe pass her. The state was delaying any definitive ruling on my status. Either way, I would be running and improving for collegiate running in the future. If I could not run officially for my high school it would. hurt sports scholarship.

Coach Higgins knew if I could it meant grief from others protesting I was still a boy.

It was mid-July when I first felt new desires. I was with Katie and Ansley once, when their boyfriends showed up. A friend of Josh’s was with them and I liked the idea of going to a dance with them. We went dancing but weren’t an item until another guy tried to push Doug out. It was then that I realized I liked Doug.

Katie and Ansley left me at the boardwalk and went off on their own. Doug like me wanted to major in environmental sciences. My feelings for Doug showed me that there was a bigger world that I was just learning about.

I would miss Katie as she went off to the University of Pennsylvania and we would stay connected. I visited her twice at her university and she was home monthly or sooner. The things she thought in high school were important changed quickly. The second time she was home I knew she was the same but forever different.

My communication with Sarai was holding much the same message. It ached my heart that Sarai and I might grow apart.

Amy an old friend from when we were in grammar school called me up in early August. She called me up in early August. “I was wondering,” she said, “if you have a girlfriend to go shopping with for school clothes. I like who you are becoming. Nothing romantic mind you, but I’d like being friends again.”

It was with Amy and visits with my Mom that I somewhere decided to discover who I am one day at a time.”

Transitioning proved harder than expected, I know Dr. Michele Watts and others had told me. I thought I’d prove them wrong. Even after my body was changing, there were more adjustments than I realized. My legs responded more like Katie’s to running. I would experience soreness and aches that were called growing pains. I wasn’t growing in the general sense of the word.

I had to stop practicing several times. I continue to like dressing as a girl. My appearance as Caryn changes and my hair doesn’t always cooperate. I use a ponytail more often when my hair won’t do as I wish.

Ms. Stafford knew me as Gary, but somehow we’re getting along better as teacher and student. “I want to encourage you Caryn to integrate your computer work to became a stronger research tool.” She’s my advanced Chemistry teacher for environmental science. She had me and three other girls, including Julie be part of a lab program. She was disappointed with us being what she called shrinking violets out on our nature labs around the guys.

I complained because I had lost some upper body strength. She said, “You can do more than you think, you only need to concentrate and use more of the strength you have. I want you to develop more of the abilities that you do have… I don’t want you mimicking Harvey or Jack. You’re not them anymore you and Julie are twins.”

I continued to be a member of the cross-country team and one of the co-captains, but I wasn’t always the fastest woman runner on our team. I liked being one of the women but I was frustrated that I wasn’t a leader like I planned as Gary.

Sarai had informed me, that she felt a need to have more of a social life than she had. We agreed to so we approved that we could go out with others.

Finally is was early-October that I was improving again as a runner. I was a full thirty seconds behind where Sarai was at this time last year. The next two weeks I was running faster until I strained an ankle running on a wet course. I was able to continue running, but now my ankle had a warp and my improvement came to a halt.

Dane invited me to go with him to homecoming and it was between him and Jolie a senior girl. Jolie is into art and drama. It was ironic to me that Dane felt slighted losing me to a girl. Jolie and I were in the school’s LGBT community. We decided to go as friends. She knew of my friendship with Sarai and she had a friend two years older at a university. Jeanna, her love, had no interest in going to a high school event.

The school year progressed and I was becoming a better student. Dr. Watts was pleased with my development. I was now seventeen and asked when I was going to stop changing. Dr. Watts laughed as had my mother and sister. “I think, your transitioning is over until you decide to undergo SRS. What you will continue to experience is the changing of a woman’s body.”

Come prom, Sarai was home and we went to the prom together. Sarai had changed with being away as she said I had as well. Her mother had given in to the fact that Sarai loved me. The Prom was more wonderful than last year. We both knew more about being romantic with the other.

Come late July I was to Auggie to begin my cross country running, and while the team was cordial and encouraging I was not the runner Sarai is. Sarai once again had me out running early and back to enjoying running; it wasn’t the same. My times were getting better, but at a slower pace than was hoped for. My improvement came in my stamina and their conditioning program getting me into better all-around shape.

Come January, I found myself enjoying intermural sports like basketball and volleyball. Heather, who I met last year, was a closer friend. I knew Sarai was seeing different guys. But I was surprised when Heather gave me a hug and kiss, saying it was time we are closer friends. We were in her room and I grabbed her as she pushed me back onto her bed.

I had communicated back to Dr. Watts and she with Dr. Leslie Moore at Sioux Falls set into motion applying and getting approval for my SRS. I was wanting it back home, but Dr. Michele encouraged me to do it out here. Dr. Moore invited Dr. Watts out to Sioux Falls to begin a new Gyn-OB practice that included a larger sports-medicine practice.

It was late July that Dr. Moore, with Dr. Michele present in the surgery, performed my surgery. My parents and Katie were there as I woke post-op with my boy parts missing and my vagina taking shape.

My breasts developed with little help into nice breasts. I had stopped using cutlets except to flatter my appearance as I wished.

Come her junior year, Sarai had become one of Auggie’s premier female runners and they were consistently vying to be first or second in all of their meets. Sarai had become seriously involved with Dennis Olivette a rising businessman.

I had continued to run cross-country into my sophomore year, but when they were recruiting high school runners who would soon be better. I quit the team with the staff’s blessing. I spent my sophomore year concentrating on my studies.

It was on a research weekend that I met Breann Dorft from the University of Minnesota at Mankato. We were very cold from having worked outside on a brutally cold day. We had gone out to eat together and found ourselves cozy under the same blanket watching a program. Breann was the first to suggest we go back to our shared room.

It was during spring break that we were next together and knew we were falling in love. It was Easter weekend that I was invited to the Dorfts. Helen Dorft informed me, “We knew Breann was a lesbian since she was in high school. You’re not the first love that Breann and brought home, but I can tell she’s taken with you in a new way.”

Bree had a brother and two sisters and she lived just inside of Iowa in a lake community. It was closer than Mankato, Minnesota, and became a place we would rendezvous when we had a three day or longer time to be together.

It was during a visit with Dr. Watts that she reminds me of the sperm I had frozen away. It was the next time together that approached the subject. Breann became giddy; “I hadn’t dared to ask you. I didn’t want you to think I loved you for the wrong reason…”

Story to be continued…

It was 11:30 when Jenni coaxed me to leave and finding a parking spot out on old river road…

We were at the turn-off for River Road when Jenni pulled into a lot of a closed gas station. She asked for a kiss and when we did; she said, “Your heart is not into this; is it?” Jenni said, “I want to do this to show you how much you mean to me. Maybe then, you’ll love me as much as I love you.”

I was caught off guard. “Jenni, I think I do love you, but I think we’re both racing to try to prove something. I don’t think it’s bad, just early. Who, what are we trying to prove?”

We switched where we were going and ended up at the ocean. It was 3:00 o’clock by the time we were walking the beach with shoes in hand. It was 4:30 a.m. when we stop at a motel. I’m, sure woke up the woman who came to the counter. She muttered, “I hope you’re staying two nights to make it worthwhile you're waking me.” I looked at Jenni and we decided to make a weekend of it.

We did kiss and enjoyed being together. I text my parents to tell them where we were and had decided to stay there for the weekend. We struggled to stay awake as long as we did before we fell asleep. My phone sounded at 7:30, “I hope I woke you. I stayed up until 2:00 waiting to hear from you.”

Once she knew I was awake; she said, “I want you to call me in a few hours. Did you and Jenni have a good time?” She hung up.

Come 10:00 a.m. the air was warm with sunshine and a gentle breeze. He ate enough brunch for energy and was half a block away from the beach. Both of us called home; my parents were upset that I hadn’t text last night but admitted they were not surprised. Katie was at another beach but didn’t want me to know where. My guess was Sarai was in the area. Mom knew we got hassled and were very supportive. Jenni’s folks felt the same, but Mr. Hanz’ hoped Jenni understood that was the reality of the world.

We each had many messages and nine out of ten were supportive; especially pleased with us were the seniors.

We went to the beach to find Hope, Monica, and Tiffany. Monica and Hope were not there yet and Tiffany wasn’t coming. There were three other couples, of guys and girls. More guys, some of whom asked if we were alone? The guys insisted we would be better off with them. Two took our hint that we were together. We moved closer to the lifeguards to play it safe. The water was a very cold 62f. We initially walked at the water’s edge. Hope and Monica’s dates went into the water being macho but were soon out.

Being Saturday night and having a good Jersey boardwalk; we were waiting until then to have some good fun there. We went to the Wharf of the Inlet for dinner. Once we saw two good looking waiters, Jenni and I agreed to one dance for each of us, if asked. Oshie, the owner, approached us on their behalf. It would be a little after we relaxed from our meal. I danced with Lucas and Hayden danced with Jenni. One dance turned to two, but the things ended there. Jenni and I danced mostly with each other or together as a group.

The boardwalk lights were on when we went back out and there was a decent crowd for late May. Jenni thought she had seen Kate and the others, but I didn’t. It was not in either’s interest to be together.

It was nine-thirty when Jenni and I were back in our room. We showered together and there was foreplay and were kissing. We did end up physically making out. First as a boy and girl. Jenni directed me in pleasing her the first time. Knowing better what to do we enjoyed each other better. Jennie’s moans of pleasure were deeper and lasted longer. The truth was my boy parts didn’t return much enjoyment for me. It was the romance and being together that drove me.

I wanted to give Jennie more attention in the morning. Jennie knew better less her parents thought we had gone too far. Katie later told me that was true for both of us. But she was glad I grew a little more.

I was laxer with my makeup when we checked out which made the registrar clerk upset that I had fooled them to think I was fully a girl. Hope and her boyfriend had breakfast with us and Hope insisted I do better with my makeup before we started home.

It was Memorial Day Weekend the following week when our school celebrated graduation. I had to help my parents with Katie’s celebration. Katie going to the University of Penn with honors was quite an achievement.

My having my best semester yet, had happened without my realizing it. But Ms. Jennifer from the Augustana had not. She was also impressed with how much I had progressed in transitioning. Jennifer told me, “I believe if you beginning running this summer; you will be ready to run next year at the college level. You will be receiving communications from us, young lady.”

Jennifer had been there to represent Augustana as Sarai’s many achievements and scholarships were acknowledge. It would bet the coming week that Sarai would leave. She and I had made up and would have a date before she left. Sarai now had a warm but strained relationship with her mother.

Sarai was leaving in four days; I wanted to talk to her but was making it impossible even for my Mom and Katie to find me. I was tired of talking and didn’t know who to believe. Finally, Sarai told Katie, that she was afraid I would run away.

The truth was the next day I had hidden away and did not respond to those calling me.

Jenni finally told Katie, “Caryn’s too afraid to run away.” She’s smart and if there’s a safe place she can’t be seen or heard. That’s where I’d look for her.”

Katie knew two such places: one could be at the church and another was a small room over our garage. Katie assumed the church would be the second place. Dad checked the meter on the garage and it was using too much electricity. Mom, Dad, and Katie climbed the stairs in stocking feet. Mom knocked and announced we were coming in. I turned out the light 0ut as they came in. Mom simply said, "People are worried about you. Please don’t worry about being in trouble.”

There was a long discussion, and our family was immediately relieved. I called Sarai but didn’t say much, but we agreed to meet late in the morning. Dad threatened to spank or ground Caryn. That didn’t outlast my crying as Caryn.

“I just needed time to think things through?” But I had not made any progress. “Besides Dad’s threat would only work on Gary, not me.”

Mom had brought a pillow and comforter to my room and agreed to stay the night. It was something our mother had done with Katie. She figured it was Caryn’s turn. From 7:30 to nine I got to chat with friends and apologize for scaring them. It wasn’t right at 9:00 p.m. that I stopped and took time with mom. It was a good bonding time, as Mom accepted my thoughts and feelings. Before we went to sleep; I had a new appreciation of us being mom and daughter.

The next night I visited Sarai at the Duvalls and then took her out. Mrs. Duvall was cordial, and probably a little hurt about how joyful Sarai was. Sarai was excited to be with me as we picked up our friendship. “I’m sorry, Caryn. I knew giving in to my parents would hurt us. It hurt me more than you know, but I hid that from you.”

Neither talked about the prom, instead, we made promises that we’d see each other during the holidays.

The night before she left she had dinner over at my house. She was delighted at my growing taste in clothes, and how I carried myself as Caryn. It was a tearful goodbye when I took her home. I was not to receive her off. That was reserved for the extended family.

Monday, I went to stay at Cousin Megan’s in preparation for her wedding. Luckily I was very much a girl now in my habits. I did get my eyes open as a university student, she was no longer the cousin I knew growing up. I was to stay with Megan in her room. When I was first shocked at seeing her in all her glory; she laughed and said, “That’s the purpose of this week. Come wedding day when we change I want as little difference as possible between you and my other bridesmaids.”

Travis the groomsman I was to be paired with, acted disinterested in me during rehearsal. He and I got along quite well during the wedding and we made it through the dancing at the reception. He had a girlfriend and was not interested in another. He was interested more in drinking with the college guys.

I did dance with a few people during the reception and enjoyed doing so all dressed up. Grandma Edwards and I were becoming closer.

Beginning to run again was not as easy as I hoped, but I ran well. Soon I was running better. I knew sometime during the season I would probably equal Sarai and maybe pass her. The state was delaying any definitive ruling on my status. Either way, I would be running and improving for collegiate running in the future. If I could not run officially for my high school it would. hurt sports scholarship.

Coach Higgins knew if I could it meant grief from others protesting I was still a boy.

It was mid-July when I first felt new desires. I was with Katie and Ansley once, when their boyfriends showed up. A friend of Josh’s was with them and I liked the idea of going to a dance with them. We went to a dance but weren’t an item until another guy tried to push Doug out. It was then that I realized I liked Doug.

Katie and Ansley left me at the boardwalk and went off on their own. Doug like me wanted to major in environmental sciences. My feelings for Doug showed me that there was a bigger world that I was just learning about.

I would miss Katie as she went off to the University of Pennsylvania and we would stay connected. I visited her twice at her university and she was home monthly or sooner. The things she thought in high school were important changed quickly. The second time she was home I knew she was the same but forever different.

My communication with Sarai was holding much the same message. It ached my heart that Sarai and I might grow apart.

Amy, an old friend from when we were in grammar school, called me up in early August. “I was wondering,” she said, “if you have a girlfriend to go shopping with for school clothes. I like who you are becoming. Nothing romantic mind you, but I’d like to be close friends again.”

It was with Amy and visits with my Mom that I somewhere decided to discover who I am one day at a time.”

The End of the Beginning…

Epilogue: I did go to Augustana, and Sarai and I had remained the best of friends. Liberated by college life we were special friends with privileges well into Sarai’s Junior year. Her senior year was the first time I would be a Maid of Honor. The only other time was with my sister Katie.

I pulled a hamstring in my sophomore year of running and learned that I enjoyed being around people more. I enjoy being transgender and the LGBT community. I am now studying for my masters’ degree in restoring animals and the environment back to where they once were. I find it easier at times if I can immerse myself with animals…

Breann was at Sioux Falls with and we were quite involved when I mentioned the sperm I had saved. She gave me a big kiss and then said, “I thought you might have. What caused you to mention it now?”

“I was thinking our relationship was getting serious, and that maybe I should?”

Breann says, “I do love you, but I think we need to both be graduates from college before we consider getting married... Do you think we’d do well in making babies and raising a family together?” It was a short-time later that Bree asked, “I see us as a lesbian couple. Are you comfortable being seen by our children as their mother along with me?” That led to a door being closed and more passion expressed.

It was fun over the course of the next few months to draw closer and be in love. Between the surgery, continuing to receive hormones, and my body making more of its own hormones I was becoming more sensitive as a woman.

It was nice as Breann and I both became more open to the friends of the other and secure in our relationship. Come summer, Breann had a little over a semester left of classes. She had won a research grant involving two of Minnesota’s lakes. She would be working with one of her professors. Dr. Conover invited me to do a work-study program for the summer with them. “I will be demanding of both of you and you won’t always be together. But you might as well find out if you can work together?”

"The work would include studying the tributaries as well as the small river joining them together.” It included many water samples throughout the area. Weighing fish and other water life before we released them. We did have a daily quota of fish we could keep to eat.

I had not been as big of a fish eater as I became that summer. I was becoming a Midwestern woman. The university and Sioux Falls were becoming home. The lakes and wildlife of Minnesota were capturing my heart. Even the cities were progressive, and open by and large. And working with Bre grounded me with her.

I had negotiated time off in June to be part of Sarai"s wedding to Dennis Olivette. Debra from the cross-country team, Ashley, and Sarai’s sister Rachel were all part of the Bridal party. The wedding was beautiful and held at the university’s arboretum. Many of the flowers were blooming and added to the fragrance of the wedding.

Dr. Elizabeth Conover had insisted that Breann was on duty for the weekend. Breann being a fellowship worker was busy harvesting some of the early findings for the project. Dr. Conover reminded me that I held a different position and different responsibilities. That became more apparent as the summer progressed and I was under Breann’s direction a number of times.

Dr. Horace Daufelt from my university had stopped later in July to assess my summer job and what I was learning. I was fearful that he would find fault with my experience. He was amused that I thought I was being slighted.

Dr. Daufelt assured me that I was learning valuable experience. “I take,” he said, “you and Ms. Breann are close friends. You have been verifying important information and doing your work and research. But you and Ms. Breann are neither the same nor quite the same in your positions… I think Dr. Conover is giving you an experience more valuable than you are realizing. Even if one is in love I dare say the relationship is not as equal as one might suspect.

“From what I have observed, your reports, and what I’ve heard from Dr. Conover you are doing quite well.”

“Dr. Daufelt…”

He interrupts me, “Please call me Horace, away from campus.”

“Dr. Daufelt… sorry, Mr. Horace. This summer study is new to me and I’m often doing the work but not sure of things. Ms. Breann Dorft says it's normal, but I haven’t had as much responsibility, without more supervision.”

Dr. Daufelt says, “Well, yes, you’ll be finding that is often true in environmental work and research. Even Dr. Conover does not have all the parameters she would like or sometimes too many. She says, your status is not quite the same as your close friend. But she hopes that too is part of your learning experience.”

It is early-August and the lake water is still very cold different from New Jersey. Though I am getting acclimated to it more. Insect repellent is as important as sunblock though. We joke that mosquitoes are the state bird. I have a reasonably good tan, better than usual.

We’re done soon with our summer project and Breann and I are relaxing back at the Dorft home. We‘re out on Lake Okoboji boating. Breann is a natural water skiing, and it took me the better part of a morning to stand on the skis and another two days to stay up much longer than a minute and to be able to manage the wake of the boat as it turned. It is different from running, but I have the advantage of being in good shape.

We are blessed that Breann’s parents are comfortable with us and that I’m well received by many of her friends. Tami and Jeff two of her closest friends and I take time to warm up to one another.

It was while we were there, Breann came to me with a smile where I knew something was up. She had taken my left hand and before I realized what was happening, she said, “This is a promise ring. When we are ready, will you marry me?”

I broke into tears, using my fists and hitting her, and crying as I spoke, “But you said we wouldn’t?”

“Sue me… What is your answer?”

“Yes! Yes! Can I share your name?” The rest of that day and night were lost in oblivion. I knew I called home and my sister. Breann’s folks knew it was coming and we had their blessing with strong words to the effect that we finish our education.

It was Breann passion and having her way with me in bed that put everything else into a fog. It was delightful to wake up and find the blue sapphire ring on my hand. I rolled over and gave Breann a luscious kiss.

It was a moment later her sister Liz knock hard on the door. “I hope you two love birds aren’t going to stay in there all day. I want you to take me shopping?”

I asked, “What’s so special that you want to go shopping for?”

“I want to show the two of you off. Some of my friends want to size you up, to see if you’re good enough for my sister.”

Breann pushes me out of bed and yells to her sister we’re getting up.

“Are you two decent,” Liz asked? And with a yes she bumped the door open and came in.

Breann asks, “And what do you think you’re doing, barging in here like that?

“You’re both women like me,” she said. “I was wondering what she looks like?”

“Caryn, can I ask you something sensitive?”

“I guess like what?”

She asked, “Did you always want to be a girl? What was it like to change?”

Breann said, “That is a little too personal. Why don’t you leave us alone and let us get dressed?”

I said, “I think it’s a fair question. But like your sister said, why don’t you let us get dressed?”

Liz smiled, “I like your reply better. I’ll see you at the breakfast table.” And she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Breann assured me that I didn’t need to answer Liz and if it was too much we didn’t even have to take her shopping.

The discussion started over pancakes and sausages. Mrs. Dorft tried to act like she wasn’t listening at first. “Liz, the big change began when I was running cross-country in high school and a girl challenged me about who was faster. I was faster, but I also tensed up at times when someone was challenging me. Sarai was our fastest runner for the girls and I was faster as the third guy on our team. It ended with me losing to her and having to dress as a girl for a homecoming date with her. I also needed to practice with her.”

I expected to be embarrassed and humiliated, but the first time we ran together Sarai made it fun and I was soon having fun running faster and better. I still ran as a guy, but I had decided to do it in a running skirt as a joke. I hadn’t dated until I dated Sarai who became a best friend. I had been a shy nerd kind of guy. But the girls including my sister were nice to me and I found it nice having friends and being liked. Sarai became my best friend and girlfriend.”

Liz asked, “Is that when you started liking to be a girl?”

“Kind of, it was like things kept snowballing. Hunting for a prom dress and getting the other things a girl needs, making it fun and more joyful. Kissing her with lip-gloss on was more of a turn-on than I was willing to admit. Then, one of my grandmothers wanted to see me dressed as Caryn and even come to Thanksgiving as her granddaughter.”

We then got interrupted to go shopping and Liz would say things, like: “I don’t see how you could have been a guy… I thought you got recruited as a runner for the Augustana cross-country team and that’s special.”

Once we were on our way to the mall, we stopped to pick up Carly; Liz, and Breann’s cousin. And true to what Liz had said, we got introduced and shown off to other girls. Most of them had heard that Breann liked girls, but was not used to seeing college girls liking each other. We didn’t do anything more special than to hold hands and the way we spoke. Liz, Carly, Hanna, and Nan were busy shopping but liked showing what they were liking and interested in our opinions. By three o’clock we had filled our vehicle and Hanna’s with shopping and were in the mall in the food court eating our snack.

Two guys wanted to sit with us; they were probably first-year college guys. Liz was upfront, “We don’t need guys, but maybe the next time we’ll be interested. My sister and her girlfriend are showing us how to be independent.” Carly, Hanna, and Nan all chimed in that they were enjoying themselves.

Once the guys were gone and we were finished with our snacks. The girls were wanting all of us to clean up in the women’s room. Carly spoke up, “Liz said her sister in wanting you to help her shop for a workout outfit. We’d all like to look at that stuff if you don’t mind?”

Breann was sure they wanted to see me in a workout outfit. And it was obvious when I first appeared in one that they were staring to make sure I didn’t have any sign of a boy showing. It wasn’t new with them, but like with most others, it soon became a moot point.

Breann made it a point to Liz and Carly that future times together were not to be show and tell.

Two days later Breann and I were going our separate ways to college.

My Mom and Dad would come to see me as part of their vacation. We met Breann at Pipestone and enjoyed two nights there visiting and seeing the scenery. My folks liked Breann as her parents did with me. My parents were not fully happy that it appeared that I’d stay in the Midwest to be close to Breann.

Before they left, Mom asked, “Would the friendship ring be more like an engagement ring?”

Breann gave me a hug and I gave her a kiss, “We’re trying to pace ourselves, but I am sure I love her for always.” Mom and Dad embraced the two of us, and my Mom snuck a gift card into my hands.

Dad said he would put more money into my account that was toward us, meaning Breann and me. My eyes watered. I thought it was probably going to be a hundred dollars or two. The deposit was five thousand dollars, which moved me to happy tears.

Dad and mom wrote a note, “Finish college, and if you get a good job, you might want to think of marrying her as she continues her graduate studies and research work?”

Mom and Dad were gone and I was registered for the new semester. I wasn’t running for university, but I would continue to be busy. I joined the Archaeology Club and added an archaeology class for the second semester. Breann and students at Auggie had suggested that it would provide background information as well as be a good way to relax.

I joined Breann for her last student homecoming. Football wasn’t going to hold our interest. Their women’s hockey team set up an exhibition game between the current team and alumni. That was neat, and the women opened me to new ways of seeing things.

I met more of Breann’s friends and acquaintances. While it is an impressive school and serving Breann well; it helped me appreciate being at Sioux Falls. Breann had a suite that provided her with a private bedroom and study area. She was not one to fend for herself, so being on campus worked well for her.

Auggie’s homecoming was the following week but schedules did not permit Breann to share it with me. We were together at semester break but got into an argument. We had rendezvoused, but I soon left when we got into our argument. I left and went back to university. I had stopped on the way back as I had a nervous problem requiring a pitstop. When I got to my room I have Breann sitting at the door. We weren’t quickly in agreement, but my differences with her we not that significant. Breann gave me a hug, “You can’t walk out on me like that. I guess we are both stubborn.”

We mutually agreed to differ, but not stay angry. “Caryn, I’m glad you got angry enough to risk my disliking you.” I had tried so hard at pleasing her that it came out with me exploding at her. Making up with her was fun. later, Sarai had stopped by with a bottle of wine and cheese. She stayed to share the first glass but was happy that I’d get to work it out with Bree.

Breann should have been back to Mankato but she stayed the night with me and left early…

Story to be continued…

It was a joy to be up getting dressed with Breann to see her off to Mankato. Once in her car was off and on the way, she called and we chatted to keep her alert. Breann had seen a group of deer feeding in a field, and some wild turkeys close by. But it was the morning light coming through the trees and lakes reflecting the sky that she mostly talked about. She had turned off the interstate at Worthington and it was from there she traveled through the smaller towns, closer to the trees, fields, and lakes.

I had dressed and took my phone to breakfast to eat while talking to Breann. Once back to my suite I undressed to shower and get ready for the day. Breann was going to nap when she got back, but I was too awake. My breasts had tingled under the shower and were sensitive to being toweled. I continue to notice and enjoy my body as a woman come alive. It was a cool autumn day so I wore a cotton panty and a plaid skirt. I wore an Auggie gold sweater that went well with my plaid skirt. I was delighted with myself as I slipped on my calf-high leather boots. With a three-inch heel, I felt taller than usual.

My field lab with Dr. Daufelt began my academic day at 10 a.m. We were taking note of the arboretum discovering how it had weathered the year. The burning bushes, Euonymus alatus, were showing their red splendor, while others revealed wear and tear. Soil erosion, bugs, and plant disease were at a minimum, but we made our judgment of what should be replaced.

We ended the morning reviewing with county wildlife managers an assessment of new fields to be planted in the spring. There had been an overabundance of maple plantings. We were recommending hardwood oaks, certain ashes, chokeberry, coffee trees, and more. Fortunately, a good variety fared well in the east side of the state or where rivers and lakes aided them. I marveled that I was now one of the experienced students and seemingly was learning well. Seemingly I was to team up with April and Harris from the state forestry to design and help implement plantings in the spring in our region.

The rest of the day and week, I found myself back into the routine of classes, staying in shape and enjoying college life in general. Having my promise ring with Breann actually helped me to relate with a growing number of friends. There were women or an occasional guy that I found I had feelings for. They sometimes meant we could deepen our friendships, or in the case with Melody Jones, we went our separate ways.

It was December, I had my birthday, was working on reports, and getting ready for exams. Breann came the weekend before my birthday. She was old enough to get us into a bar and I borrowed identification from a friend. More often than not it was bottles of wine, cheese, and the bread that we enjoyed in my suite.

Breann had been busier than I knew, taking two independent studies enabled her to graduate come to the end of December. I was surprised, happy, and worried. I knew one of the better graduate programs was at Rochester Institute of Technology, but that was in upper New York and close to a thousand miles from Mankato and over a hundred more from me. But she was extremely well suited for their program.

I had to focus on my own reports, research, and exams. I would be done with my exams on the eighteen and her graduation was the next day. Adding to my responsibilities the state forestry program wanted changes to what would be done starting in the spring. I learned why more than one person said they didn’t like working with governments. But with environmental programs, it was often the source for funding and approval as well as a pain in the butt.

One program I liked was to be delayed for a year, while its replacement had the appearance of being secondary in importance. Dr. Daufelt was the one who pointed out that it provided for more attractive photo-ops. “You should keep in good favor with those in authority. You don’t want to make it a habit of rowing against the flow.”

I wrote up the change with $25,000 in seed money for the project to be delayed, along with what they were requesting. I knew the Audubon Society and Trees Forever would have grants coming free with the new year. That done finished my part of my last report and that allowed me to focus on exams. Having face time with Breann made the days better for both of us. Having three ‘A’ classes that she didn’t need to exam for made it much better for her.

She was finished on Monday and had most of her stuff moved home by Wednesday. Thursday and Friday were celebrations with friends and classmates; none of which I was able to attend. Damn Friday’s exam. Policy and Law was as important class and as boring as it sounded for a person in the sciences, but not in law or political science. The fact that I would squeeze out an ‘A’ was due to hard work and a lot of studying. Breann and I used face time for my being blitzed with questions and answering her. My preparation seemed harder than the exam at least I hoped so.

I would be back to pack up for home, but now I was quickly off to Mankato. I got there in time to be taken to dinner with Breann by her parents. Her younger sister Liz and her older sister Raquel and her husband John Gibbs were there as well.

I was excited to be there for Bree and her graduation, but apart from that, I was anxious to be home for the first time in a year and a half. Breann’s hood had the purple and gold for the school, green for environmental studies, and a red and blue for different honors.

We were out with Raquel and John to dance and celebrate. It was fun, Raquel and she enjoyed the time together.

When Bree handed me her letter from RIT near the end of the night. It sent my head spinning. It was her acceptance to their graduate program along with a Fellowship offer. She was also accepted at Iowa State University. And while there were many neat programs she felt there was more of a tug of war than cooperation within the largely agricultural state. There was the University of Minnesota, but alas Breann wanted a change of scenery and experiences. Like Mankato, RIT and the Rochester community were medium-size cities. She said it was a lot more open to the LGBT community.

The graduation itself was long for my limited interest in one graduate. Bree was wrapped up in a ceremony, and a small reception there. She would ride back with me to her folks at Estherville. Her graduation reception there was with extended family, former classmates, and dozens of friends. Her twenty-one-year-old body looked beautiful in everything to me. But when she dressed up and wore something snug it showed how beautiful she was in every way I could imagine.

Bree’s friend Tammi was amused with my gazing at Bree, “Yes, she is a beautiful specimen of womanhood, isn’t she? But don’t worry she did very well in choosing the love of her life.” I knew it was a gesture affirming me and our becoming friends. I had tears and turned to her giving a hug and heartfelt thank you.

Bree would follow me out the week after Christmas; it would be the first time I would have her at my home with me.

The irony was not lost on me coming home as a woman. Despite that, I had become transgender where I grew up, most identified with my years as Gary. They would giggle as I became Caryn, but their memory of Caryn wasn’t of one who was fully a woman.

My father had picked me up at the airport and jested over my luggage. I soon said, “Quit it, Daddy, there’s much more at the university.”

Dad said the obvious, “I think it will be different having you home Caryn. You’ve grown up and changed so much.”

I echoed the fact, “I don’t think most thought I’d stay Caryn. Let alone I become fully a woman.”

Dad said, “It is good I became used to you, Caryn. Yes, you’ve grown; I’m proud of the young woman you are. It will be nice in another week when Breann will be here as well.”

It is a big help being here to have accepting parents and friends. My bed had been changed to a queen size. Mom and dad said it was to accommodate other guests. It would be advantageous for having Breann with me. While one set of next-door neighbors are sweet, Katheryn and Lee felt it was their job to remind me that my ways were sinful. It wasn’t new; even some at the university and Sioux Falls made their differences known.

I soon went to Deb’s Clothiers; not only does she have a nice selection, but Deb also welcomes me again and we pick up the ways things had been. She is interested in my changes. She hadn’t said she called Denise, but Denise was soon there and we were lost in conversation. She and Hayden had broken up, but now that both were nearer to finishing college. They were back dating and she hoped come Christmas she’d be engaged.

Denise knew Sarai and I were only friends and that Sarai was happily married. She said, “I’ve heard you might have someone new in your love life?” She paused and waited me out.

I said, “Yes, her name is Breann Dorft and she’ll come shortly after Christmas to be with me and meet my parents.”

Denise smiles, “Does that mean things are serious between you two?”

Joy came to my face and she knew the answer before I could tell her, “Yes!” holding my hand with the sapphire promise ring. I wasn’t quite where Denise was, and I confessed, “She’s going to graduate school at Rochester, New York. It will be at least a year before I graduate and can be there with her. I’ll get a job and might go for my master's. But hopefully, we’d be engaged and able to be together finally.”

Denise giggled, “I dare say, you got warm and moist just talking about being with her.” Denise walked me over to some Christmas sweaters, “If you find one you seriously like, I’ll talk to my Mom about giving you a good discount.”

“I’m not looking for that.”

She said, “But we’re both students yet, discounts help make a difference. I know a Christmas sweater is not a necessity.”

We’re at the sweaters and there is a cute knit Christmas tree on a sweater dress nearby. Denise says, “You have a nicer body for that now. You were nice before but you have the body of a fit woman who is blossoming very nicely.”

I said, “Think you’re probably in a group of one.”

Deb speaks up, “No, she’s not, and I’d be surprised if you really disagree with her. Try on that dress and we’ll compare you to a picture of you at the register.”

Denise hands me a size six, despite me telling her I’m an eight. “Go and change,” she says. “the next closest is a 10.” I am surprised by how nicely I fill out the dress. Needless to say, Denise gloats over how nicely it fits. She says, “I suspect someone is doing aerobics?”

I had saved seventy dollars from my summer, and some more from work on campus. It made up my Christmas shopping money. The dress with a nice discount came out of spending money my mother made sure I had. The eighty-nine dollar dress was discounted to $30 thanks to Deb being nice to me. It came with a gift of earrings. I paid for the matching necklace which she discounted too. I was ready to leave when I saw a black skirt, like the one my mother wanted me to buy. It and a white satin blouse were within the budget my mother had suggested.

Ready to leave again, Deb asked, “Are you going to run in the Holiday Race at Warrenville? They’re on December 27, I think others would enjoy seeing you run again.”

“I haven’t been in competition this year; I wouldn’t be able to run the distance I’m used to.”

“There’s a 3K race and you wouldn’t have to run hard many don’t,” Deb said. Denise spoke up, “Mom, she can probably do a 3K but she would probably hurt herself. She doesn’t know how not to compete.”

“Not true, it would go against my nature, but I’d have to if I wanted to finish.” Unbeknownst to me, Denise put the run flyer in with my skirt and blouse.

Once home I was showing my Mom what I had bought and she picked up the flyer. “I was going to mention that, but I didn’t want to put you on the spot. Do you think you can give a good showing?” That stung like I was being challenged.

“Mom, I might not be at my best, but I’m back healthy and I can still run. You make it sound like I’m past my prime.”

“Well then I guess you should; I’m sure Kate will weather the cold to give you a send-off and a ride back,” mother said.

Kate will finally be home tomorrow but is at a guy’s place today. He looks okay but I can’t tell what he’s like from a picture. We make do with face time for now.

Sarai calls she and Dennis are home for the holiday. We’ll get together tomorrow. “Hey Caryn, I’m going to be running up in Warrensville on the 27th, would you consider running with me?”

I say yes before I find out she’s planning on the 5K run. I say I can’t, she says I could do it in my dreams. She wears me down until I agree. “You better not get me laid up for when Breann’s here.”

Sarai laughs, “I could see worse problems than you two limited to bedtime.”

It is Ashley, Katie, Sarai, and me together the next day and it is like old times, except everyone is saying I’ve changed. Luckily Todd, Kate’s love, and Dennis are there, but soon off to another table watching a bowl game.

We’re talking when I see Pamela, Matt Crosby’s old girlfriend. She has changed and I ask her to join us. She’s at John Hopkins University and has already begun her master’s degree in medical research. She’s bright and more comfortable in herself. She bought our next glasses of wine and a bread and cheese plate. “My parents gave me some nice spending money to celebrate my research grant.”

This was unlike the Pam we knew, she’s taking the initiative and getting into conversations. She says, “You four are like a breath of fresh air; there are a lot who feel they need to stay loyal to Matt’s friendship.”

Ashley responds, “You shouldn’t think they need to be exclusive to you.” That wasn’t the problem, others were the ones circling her out.

Kate was the first to say, “We’re not ruling him out, but unless we run into him he’s not on our schedule.”

Once everyone focused on Sarai’s wedding band we got back to girl talk in general. The ladies room wasn’t huge but we fit in there comfortably enough. I could feel the eyes of the others on me. It was Kate who felt a need to share with Pam and Ashley that I had transitioned.

Ashley was interested to know if I had implants; the fact that it was mostly natural drew ous and ah’s, and a lot of laughs.

Todd and Dennis took their two to dinner and Ashly, Pam and I went our separate ways. That night and Christmas Eve was boring; I was missing Breann. I wore my new dress to the Christmas Eve service. I sat with Kate and Todd. I was coming to like him for my sister, though she wasn’t sure if he was the one. I saw Denise with a guy and she held up her left hand showing a ring.

Our house was nicely decorated, Todd and Kate had the guest room which was nicely done over. While Kate’s room still had her bed, it had become Mom’s getaway room. And Dad refurbished his workroom to also be a comfortable getaway room for him. His machines were still there.

I had been out running, doing aerobics, stretches, and the treadmill to get ready for my run. I hadn’t felt this good running in a long time. Hopefully, it would all act as a distraction until Bree was here on the 28th.

Great Grams wasn’t able to come on Christmas day, Grandma Edwards was there, thankfully Grandpa wasn’t. I guess he said there were too many women. Kate was relieved, not having to worry if Grandpa would embarrass Todd or someone else.

I visited Great Grams early in the evening. Her eyes sparkled, but it hurt seeing she looked older. Grams didn’t have a present, instead, she gave me a scarf. My eyes watered, Grams said, “I’m glad you’ve become my great-granddaughter as you have time for me now.” She was tired and I soon left saying I had someone she needed to meet.

Sarai and I did a warm-up run the morning of the 26th. She got me to giggling, saying it was ‘happy feet day’, and true enough we enjoyed running together. I love that we’re best friends but there are feelings for my first love that are still very warm…

Story to be continued…

I had plenty of carbos last night as mom made spaghetti and meatballs. The salad had tofu thrown in for me. Now, I’m up early on the 27th, and I’m wearing a nice blue, gold, and white running outfit. It has good stretch for running while designed to keep me warm and dry. Katie’s soon up as she promised to be there. Todd’s up just in time to go with us too, I guess he’s there to keep Kate warm. To my surprise, Mom and Dad are bundled up to but they’re going to breakfast, instead of coming with us.

It is good to see Sarai at the race site, Dennis and her dad are there to cheer her on. I have a red #07 and Sarai likewise has a red #03 indicating we’re in the 5K. Matt Crosby is there but he’s in the 3K race. We give him a hug and even meet Charla his latest squeeze. The races are delayed a half an hour for congested commuter traffic.

I tried calling Breann but my call went to her voicemail, which was unusual.

The 5K racers are off to the right and the much larger group of 3K racers are next to us. Walkers and joggers are behind both of us. The young kids had run and that was a cute sight. Some with their parents and others who were already too serious.

I line up off to the left of Sarai and it feels like old times. My plan is to run for a while keeping up with her, knowing sometime I’ll fade back or she’ll outrun me. It is now 9:00 a.m. and our race is off with a bang. It takes two hundred yards for us to make some distance from our main group. We hear Katie, Todd, and Dennis cheering for us.

We’re soon away from them and come to the one-K mark I’m still staying with Sarai. And we’re in a group of five the men probably surprised we’re with them. We’re over halfway when we hear Karen Butler, “You’re good, should be better.” Two men are ahead of us and one is struggling to stay even with us. We’re now out half a kilometer from the finish when I say, “Go Sarai”. I was sure she would challenge the men. I would be fourth if there wasn’t someone overtaking me. Then I heard Katie and someone yelling ‘happy feet.’ Whoever it was sounded like Breann though I knew it couldn’t be.

Come the end of our race it was Sarai, Joe, Caryn, Kurt and someone named Mike. Sarai and I hugged one another and walked so we didn’t tighten up. Dennis was soon to Sarai rubbing her legs. It took Katie a little longer to get to me. My parents were now there as was Breann. Breann is soon following Dennis by rubbing my legs. Having one’s girlfriend do it is great in more than one way. I pull her up to give her a big hug and kiss. There is a makeshift photo with four of the top five, and then we’re allowed to disperse.

We’re soon back to our home diner, the whole motley crew with Mrs. Duvall and Ashley joining us. Sarai and I have scooted on short skirts to help us look presentable. We wore bulky, lightly perfumed sweatshirts to keep us from stinking others out.

I’m impressed with how Sarai ran, but the crowd is surprised with me. Sarai’s the first to ask, “Does this mean you’re back to running again. It was then it hit me that I indeed had healthy legs and the durability needed.”

Breann was delighted to talk with Sarai; I was happy they were friends. Sarai was forthright, wanting to know what Breann’s grad school meant for her relationship with me.

Breann smiled, “Seemingly, Caryn may have another season of cross-country running along with her academics.” Breann gives me a big hug, “Hopefully, we’ll be able to marry while I’m at Rochester.” I reciprocate with a passionate kiss, that we’re asked to break from.

Friends came over, mostly to greet Sarai, as I had more drastically changed in appearance. While my folks took Breann’s suitcase back to our house. Breann and I walked around looking into shops downtown. Deanne’s was our store of women’s delicates. I think Breann wanted to go in to see if I was embarrassed looking at such clothes in my home. There was a friend Sharon Yasick who I introduced Breann to.

I knew Sharon’s brother better as Sharon was a year behind me in school. Sharon said, “I thought Gary was cute when he first wore his running skirt. He even made a nice looking girl when he started to dress like you. My mother still blames you, Caryn, for my liberated thinking. I don’t love other girls as much as I’m more comfortable with women friends.” Our discussion went on long enough to say she was a new friend. She was now in her second year at a private college and we shared information to stay in touch. Each of us bought some lingerie which tickled Sharon.

We went up to Washington Rock, where Breann saw the new world trade center. “I can’t believe it; it is still big enough that it appears fairly close. It is so different from Iowa and the Midwest.”

It was the second day after the run that I heard from Coach Trevor wanting to know if I was able to run again? The day was cold and windy outside but the call from Coach caused me to run on our treadmill.

It was New Year’s Eve; we didn’t go into New York City to be part of the midnight crowd at Times Square, but sightseeing. Kattie and Todd went with us. The 911 Memorial was moving to see up close. We crossed the Brooklyn Bridge to say we did. We went to Patsy’s Italian Restaurant near Carnegie Hall which was to be our last stop of the day. Todd and my parents who weren’t there picked up the dinner check.

We were able for a small fee to sit in the great hall and listen to a woman preparing to sing that weekend. We were near the back but heard her exquisite voice, crystal clear. Breann and I hugged. We were offered discounted tickets, but alas it was time for Breann to head home the day after New Year’s Day.

We went out on New Year’s Eve to one of the popular nightspots. Bree and I were hit on several times to dance with some guys and finally gave in once before we decided to leave.

It was New Year’s Day with Dad watching football that Breann and I began talking about getting married. I was wanting to be formally engaged, but neither of us had the money to get nice engagement rings. I felt bad, but the worse I felt talking about it; the more I was getting hot and passionate. Soon it became obvious that Bree had similar feelings. We had gone to my room to talk privately but were soon making love with one another. Bree was very happy about me becoming focused in giving her pleasure. In truth, it was much better for the two of us.

I know it wasn’t lost on my mother or Katie that we took showers before we came back out to be with the family. We had a face to face time with Breann’s mother. My parents were with us when it was agreed that each set of parents would give us each three thousand dollars for engagement rings and to go toward the wedding. Our parents would halve the cost of the wedding.

When I joined other Auggie women running to stay in shape, it caught the attention of my friends and well-wishers. It took about a month of training before I was formally welcomed back onto the team. It was like rejoining the family. Carla and Becky became two of my better friends on the team. My ankles and shin pain was not resurfacing as I began to push myself more. It was during spring practice that the USA team out of Colorado Springs came that we and Bryn Mar would provide competition for their training as well as ours. It included two good runs over three days.

It was nice to see and run against Sarai one more time. While the estrogen levels were high in competition most relaxed well at the training tables and social times. It was more than obvious that Sarai had a good following around Augustana and the community.

The week before Spring Break I had shopped for Bree’s ring. I’m bubbling with feelings and energy as I arrive at the Dorfts. Bree runs out to greet me. I sense she might be ready to ask me something so, I grab my ring box. Bree tells me not to worry about my things as she takes me circling the house to a favorite spot in the backyard.

When she kneels down I kneel down as well and we’re both smiling. She’s asking me to marry her when I bring my hand around with my ring box. “Caryn, will you make me the happiest woman and be my wife?”

My smiling response is, “If you will make my love complete and marry me?” We soon argue over who’s giving the most beautiful ring, but the thoughts are mute as we love our rings.

Mrs. Dorft is not so subtle in asking if it is true that I can help Breann have her grandchildren. The week is filled with bliss. Bree loves living in Rochester as well as the main professor she’s studying under. She is doing her research paper on the effects of pollution in differing areas of the country. Mankato and Sioux Falls are almost a thousand miles directly west of Rochester and she found another study area east of Raleigh and Durham, North Carolina, about 650 miles due south.

She’ll study leaves, trees, forest water, and soils. Her hypothesis is that the greenhouse gases and acid rain have shifted are having a growing effect in North Carolina while their area of upstate New York is making strides in improving. While it will be a comparative study for the Midwest.

Sadly I find out why she hurriedly proposed to me. We have three days before she travels to North Carolina and gets her first readings there.

I am surprised during a talk with Mrs. Dorft; she confesses that she’s more relaxed in noticing other women. It is not a romantic attraction as getting back into meaningful friendships with other women from which she had distanced herself. She has a three day weekend with some old best friends.

I get to run four 5-K races on consecutive weekends; one was near Sioux Falls, another around the Iowa great lakes, Omaha and St. Paul. I continued to be happy with my improvement.

I soon joined Bree as she’s at Rochester. The wooded area there has steeper hills and there’s a difference in the topography as it has more humidity from the lakes and rivers as well as being much hillier. We enjoyed its rich social justice history going back to Frederick Douglas, Susan B. Anthony, and the pre-Civil War era underground railroad. Many believe it is why the area has such a richly diverse community today.

It is then I become a driver for those going to and from hospitals and treatment clinics. Getting back to Sioux Falls, I found out that my broken schedule allowed me to help in area hospitals as well. Where I most often helped at the Sanford Children’s Hospital.

I had stopped to visit Hanna at the hospital when she asked me. “Someone said your name used to be Gary, that isn’t true is it?

Hanna was a thirteen-year-old girl battling cancer. She had made good strides in improving. I looked around and saw her mother Susan was there. She was staring at me, probably wondering what I said. Then her mother said, “It is okay; she is wanting to know you and be your friend.”

I smile, “Yes, it has been an ongoing transformation since I was a junior in high school. Tell me about yourself, if you would?”

Hanna smiles, “Are you really open to being my friend? I would appreciate a friend who can accept what I’m going through.” Hanna grins in pain sometimes when she moves or coughs. “It might not look it but I’m getting better.” She has a harsh form of Leukemia, but her mother shakes her head yes as to agree she’s getting better.

“I’m not out of the woods and I’ll probably be back in the hospital now and then. I’m hoping you can be a princess for me.”

“I’d be honored to, but you might want to ask one of the better women runners.”

Hanna says, “You’re my princess and we’ll both work to get better. I see you have an engagement ring. Do you love her very much? Yes, I know about you. I’m so happy you are honest with me and that I can trust you.”

I come away from our time together, actually lifted up. I slept well that night, but feel inadequate for our friendship. I was late in calling Bree. She knew something was up and I didn’t want to trouble her, but she squeezed out my feelings. It was good becoming friends with her.

She was right in that there were challenging days ahead. Her body was weak and once home, she again took sick and had to come back to the hospital. I was one of a few that she talked of some feelings and concerns. Later she said it lightened her heart to combat her illness. I couldn’t understand all she was going through and it hurt to be there, but it hurt more not to be. It was summer when she began making bigger strides in her recovery. She was now fourteen and her Leukemia was in remission; the challenge was gaining her strength.

As Caryn and Hanna, we’re walking the AU track when Bree unexpectedly showed up. Even though Hanna had only seen her in pictures, she was the first to recognize Bree. Hanna joked, “Have you come to make my friend a legitimate woman?” Everyone giggled full-heartedly.

“How did you read my mind,” Bree asked? “Our question to you will you be at our wedding. It will be this year during the Christmas break.”

“You shouldn’t be kidding like that. I’ll just be going to high school you’re college and graduate students.”

I turn to her, “You have become such a friend and I admire you more than you know. We’re serious, we’re wanting you to be one of my bridesmaids, will you?”

Breann says, “We want you to be a forever friend. Next Spring we’ll be able to be together and we want you to always come and see us. We’ll even buy your air tickets.”

Hanna said, “You still can’t get married in Sioux Falls, so I hope it will be near Breann’s home. I live in the small community of Rock Rapids, Iowa.” Breann liked Hanna for suggesting her home for the wedding.

I said, “Maybe come September you can help me look for my wedding dress and we can have you fitted for a bridesmaid dress?”

Hanna Short excitedly told her mother the first thing. Susan was pleased, but I could also tell was worried. They were driving a ten-year-old vehicle that they were making do with. Susan spoke to Bree alone asking that we did not tempt Hanna with opportunities they could not afford.

Bree told her, “We understand, we just thought she needed to know she had a lasting spot with us. We’ll be buying her bridesmaid's dress and the extras. We even told her we would pay for her trips to visit us.” Susan Short gave Bree a hug and her eyes watered as she apologized said thanks.

Hanna gave me a good hug, teasing me that I was not yet in running shape. I gave her a hard time back as she had inspired me and I was in my best shape in years. Hanna chose not to tell her mother that she had jogged over a quarter mile today. I was fairly sure Mrs. Short could tell she had done more than stated.

Hanna had the inhibition of a young teen asking Bree, “Are you looking forward to having Caryn’s babies?”

Come the Augustana Invitational to begin the new season I was the surprise of the team and surprised myself coming in third for our team. That was 21st overall and helped the team win…

Story to be continued…

Despite everything else Caryn was doing; she was enjoying running again. She ran a hilly 5K in nineteen minutes twenty-three seconds. She had broken into the top ten for her first time in a collegiate run. She turned in time to see Hanna running to hug her. “You were terrific Caryn; I think you can run in the Olympics with Sarai.” That is reaching but it is sweet to hear.

My pet tree and wildlife project this spring and summer has gone well. Despite it being started behind other projects a better than usual survival rate of new trees and shrubs has gone well through the long, hard August summer. That I had run drip lines for the some in the open areas helped, along with protection from wildlife. Being a town girl it is unusual to be part of forty-five acres being returned to be a good land. Over twenty acres had been a dilapidated building and parking lot. Another thirty plus acres was becoming a preserve open to the public.

“I’m running well and I enjoy competing again. There is a way in time between myself and the faster women. I’m happy doing the best I can, I continue to enjoy running and I’ll be able to do it in the future to stay healthy.

It is mid-September when I visit Dr. Michele Watts. She is pleased with how well I am doing. I need to check my breasts and other areas as trans-girls can develop health problems. We visit about my sperm as she’s excited that I’m getting closer to getting married.

I told her about my friend Hanna asking Breann about having my babies. Michele says, “She’s a darling around our clinic. Are you the new friend she’s made this past year? She thinks you helped her in her recovery.”

I said, “As you know it has more to do with her spirit and how her body has responded to the treatments. The best I can say, is I like being there for her. Did you know she’s going to be one of my bridesmaids?”

Michele says, “She told us around the clinic she was doing it for someone, but the office doesn’t share details.”

I’m doing an independent study along with a full load of classes. I can’t believe it will soon be three and a half years. I will have a January study and two independent studies before I can graduate in May.

“Katie, I can’t believe you and Breann actually go right into grad school. It is great for you two but I’ll be ready for a break.”

Katie reminds me as she does at least once or twice a year. “Caryn, you have accomplished and gone so much further than I thought you would have as Gary. You thought you knew so much that you weren’t learning what you could have. I am tickled with you and Breann, but I also count it as a blessing that Sarai had come into your life. I laugh at the times that she saw so much in you that others didn’t. But it was you who put yourself into a running skirt and then enjoyed fancying up for homecoming. It was cute when Denise Dobbins got you into two special dresses for homecoming. I think that was when you as Caryn came forward.”

Katie and I were on the phone for over an hour reminiscing about my journey. Katie too brings up my sperm banked away. “I hope you two have a couple of girls to mother and enjoy raising. Todd’s happy that you’re getting married this Christmas. He hasn’t proposed, but I think he’s looking toward Labor Day weekend or the following spring. He wants Mom and Dad to have a chance to save up.”

I tell her, “I think they are already planning on your wedding and saving for it as well. You are the daughter that Mom has always cuddled and nursed. The little girl she sees that has blossomed. You’ve always been Dad’s little girl. We’re so fortunate to have them as our parents.”

Katie remembers a time as a little boy that I dressed as a girl and we played house all day. She said it was raining outside and that I was in a grumpy mood until mother put me in panties and a dress. I had remembered the time, but I’m delighted that it is now a shared memory.
=^_^=
My mother flies back with me to Sioux Falls and we’re to go looking for my bridal gown. Mom has seen a picture of what Bree has chosen so that ours’ will complement each other. Hanna is with us, but we’re not likely getting her gown today. Mrs. Short has come along in case Hanna would tire. We were to two stores yesterday and to another today before I’m sure which one I’m choosing. We’re back to the second bridal shop and Hanna is as giddy as I am. “I saw a picture of you in that one yesterday, but you must have wanted to make sure it was right?”

I am down to my panties and in a new bra as Mother and Hanna watch me put on the wedding gown. Hanna says, “Mrs. Miller, I can’t believe your daughter is allowing me to see how beautiful she is in her panties. And with you, I’m the first to see her in her beautiful bride’s gown.”

Then Hanna changes and is ready to weep. I ask her why she’s sad and she confides in us, “I may be like Caryn in; they don’t know yet if I will be able to have babies.” I step down and she cries on my shoulder as my mother hugs the two of us. “I hope I can, but I don’t want the baby to have problems.”

With all of us composed again my mother takes Hanna to see a dress like her bridesmaid’s dress. She is excited to try on her red dress and we have a picture of it taken with me in my bridal gown. Susan Short is in tears as we have Hanna fitted for her gown. Susan even approves of her having spaghetti straps and a gown that her leg could show through. Choosing that gown for Hanna means Bree’s bridal party with having the darker red gowns for their bridal party.

I have a cross-country meet in Omaha two days before my mother is to fly out. I am excited as it is likely the last meet she’ll get to see me in. Coach Tracy is counting on me as several runners are experiencing monthly visitors. I have a 20:04 5K run that once again places third for our team and has me 19th overall. It helps us to win the meet. Despite being cold and rainy I ran in my regular top and short shorts.

Monday my mother was gone and I am surprised with a special award by the Eastern South Dakota Forestry Association. It is for a combination of the projects that I coordinated and the volunteers I was able to get to help. A friend whispers, it’s not been that long since being transgender would have ruled you out of the award. I tell her, “that has nothing to do with what we did.”

Her response was, “You tapped into and included people we didn’t attract before. Someone noticed and appreciated it.”

“No, one told me, I was to receive this award. I almost didn’t come. What would have happened if I was a ‘no show’?”

She laughed, “That’s why Martha made sure you were coming. And no it wasn’t the first time gay or lesbians took part; it was just the first time they were intentionally invited. More than one straight person spoke their thanks.”

I had stained an ankle that influenced my showing at the conference meet and caused me to miss out on the regionals and thus unable to qualify for the Nationals’. We would have run at Colorado Springs and I had so wanted to see Sarai, but now I don’t get the chance.

Thanksgiving, I went to the Shorts for Thanksgiving. It was a change for me as I was out of my element in a small town, not around the college crowd or others including with whom I shared my lifestyle identity. Friday night Bev Trolley took me to one of the local taverns, citing, “You need to find out where they’ll accept us as an individual. It helps some the more they know we’re not always weird.” She hugged me and kiss on the cheek. “It’s also good to push the envelope.”

When I got back to the house, Susan Short thanked me for going with her younger sister. “You surprise me in the different ways you help my family.” Hanna hugged me, though we often share them and I wasn’t sure if this was anything special.

I passed my courses though two A’s had dropped to B’s. My January independent study as well as the two for the spring semester were set. I’m over at Carly’s apartment we’re drinking with some good cheese and small pieces of bread. I can remember when such things meant nothing to me. Now I’m a hopeless romantic, and friends like Carly are to be treasured for a lifetime. Carly is a finance/accounting major telling me she will start out making forty percent more than me. She thanks me for introducing her to nature. “You know Caryn when I come out to see you with Jeff or whomever; it will be for the scenery and to get away.”

We fantasize about her building a cabin fit with the luxuries but being nestled out in the country by a lake. She is wanting me to show her how to please other women with two fingers. I am unwilling afraid I would get involved with her. I say there are many sights giving instruction. Yes, personal would be better and I can tell she’s already hot. I leave.

Another week and my mother would be here and by Christmas Eve my family including Grandma Edwards. Kate’s to be here as my Maid of Honor and Sarai’s in my bridal party along with Carly and Hanna. My apartment is contracted through May, but it will give me a place to come back to as needed.

The closer to Christmas the more the university and nightspots are ghost towns. I can now legally drink but few friends to share the time with. Carly and others are now gone.

Mom is a welcome sight and while it would have been strange for Gary, to be at a day spa with my mother it is to be a luxury and time I treasured. My mother has started to talk to me more like she says she does with Katie. It can get a little too personal, but I guess that is her trusting me.

These few days were the first I could sip wine and visit with her out in public. She talked with me, telling me of her many friends. “Do you think you and Bree will have many friends you can socialize with?”

We went for my last fitting as I got to bring my gown to my apartment. Hanna picked up her bridesmaid dress at the same time. Carly already had hers. I’m trying on my gown and emotions flood over me. I begin crying, unlike any other time. “Mother is this what it’s like for a real woman?”

I’m soon hugged from the side, it is Hanna, “Don’t say that you’ve already been a real woman to me.” She has tears as she looks at me, “You’ve more than proven you’re a real woman. Please accept that and never even think it again.” My mother’s there and they’re agreeing. Mom remarks about Hanna. Everyone is impressed with her again and again.

Mom, Hanna, and Mrs. Short are all joyful for me. The four of us go out for an early dinner so Hanna and her mother could get home. A friend comes back with us to my apartment.

The next day my father and Katie fly in and we have a large suite for the holidays. Katie with my Dad and Todd coming on Christmas Day. It is the 24th, when I get to see Katie’s dress it is a light green with silver and white trim. Grandma Edwards paces herself to share as much as she can.

We get a surprise visit from university President Dr. DauSchmidt. It is instead of coming to my wedding which I had not expected because of one Lutheran branch that has numerous students at the University. Nothing of that is mentioned, but his mentioning my running and reputation with the community and environment people spoke volumes to me. “You have blessed the university and we’re grateful.”

His closing prayer and blessing moved me to watery eyes as happens more these days.

Sarai was held up a day but is in late the 26th. We travel to Breann’s home as well as settle into a wing at the hotel. Needless to say, there are tense times as not all goes smoothly and some adjustments are made. Pastor Teresa takes over the wedding and how well the rehearsal goes assures us we are in good hands.

There are a few families and extended friends of Breann’s who aren’t fully accepting of our situation, but their love for Bree and us was bigger than that. And they were surprised and upset with the late reaction of their pastor and church to cause a conflict. It wasn’t our desire, but there may be a few changes being made by some in the future.

Our photographer with our agreement would share our bridal processions with the local newspaper. One reporter wished we had made a bigger issue with the refusal of the one pastor and church; but agreed with us to focus on Pastor Teresa stepping forward and being warm as are the general nature of the community and our guests. Despite the holidays and empty campuses, we both felt we had a good representation from friends. I was the first to be escorted down the aisle by my Father and Mother. As Breann chose to do.

Looking and patiently waiting for Bree’s party and flower girls and her parents, was nerve-racking. I hadn’t seen her gown nor her. She was more beautiful than I had ever seen her.

Neither of us believes in being given away, we called it the Presentation of the Brides. Since the day was a warn forty degrees before the wedding we quickly had some outdoor photos taken with us nestled among some green pines. The wind and a drop in temperature caused us to quit with two pictures.

There was a meal reception that began around 6:00 p.m. and the public reception began at 8:00. While Breann had told me, I was surprised by how many from the general public came. Hanna was happy as more young people her age came to the receptions. My slender gown was unbuttoned up my left thigh so I could move and dance. We had practiced dancing numerous times, and while it’s different with our gowns we relish our time immensely. Well over half have not been to a wedding like ours they enjoyed themselves. It was near the beginning of the public reception Mr. Dorft announces they paid for our honeymoon to Naples with upgrades to include a private jet the next morning. Our understanding is a relative flew for the flight to Naples. Coming back we’d be flying regular airlines.

I had hoped for more time with Sarai, but that was to have been before the wedding. She was in a time of grief of her own as she was an alternate for the Olympic Team to the World Games. She was a mixture of joy for me and personal hurt that her time was delayed.

While I have two interviews when I go to live with Breann; Breann’s insistent our honeymoon doesn’t have anything to do with a job or our schooling. Our first time alone was unbuttoning the many buttons of our gowns and loosening of corsets. It was like the wetting of our appetites for our enjoyment that night. No sleep woman to woman trying to out arouse the other. The trembling of our bodies one against the other. The eruption of feelings as orgasms built and then overflowed into the fullness of our beings.

The third day of our honeymoon turns to talk of getting her pregnant. Our focus would be on the end of next August knowing her Master’s would nearly be done. The idea of my sperm coming to life again with her moved me to tears.

Being together has very sexual times but as I learned with Sarai, our joy is a lot more sensual than sexual and relational than sexual. My body in part due to hormone therapy has been becoming what Dr. Watts is calling a maturing woman’s body. I love how Bree touches my body, mind, and soul; there’s a depth I had not yet experienced.

We flew back from our honeymoon to Rochester, New York. Then I will take care of things in South Dakota.

I’m to audit one class on research statistics that will help me to assist Bree. I am soon back to Sioux Falls to move much of my apartment to one room with the rest to the Dorfts.

I visit Hanna on my way back to campus. She had another check-up and it confirmed she’s in remission. I did get to visit her at the end of her school day. The schoolgirls are beginning to work out for their indoor track season which is always held at schools that have a college or junior college indoor track available. The Central Lyons have a good track team. And I enjoy visiting with the boys as well as the girls. I have tacos at the shorts before getting back to campus. It is interesting having been Gary and now being on the other side. My secret is not shared here.

It has been six days by the time I’m back with Bree, and it was worse than the months when we weren’t married. I love sharing a warm bed with her. This is the first time since our shared work summer that I get to experience her during her monthly period. Though she says most are better than this, she is happy I am there to massage her when she wants.

It is when we are checking her field sites in March and April that I see my first black bears and cubs in the wild. I’m duly warned they’re not for play. One enjoyment of traveling to other areas is the changes. This is the first time I am experiencing lake effect snow. Where seven inches may be a lot it is not hard to experience six to ten inches more than other areas of the same storm. What is overwhelming for me, may not stop people native to the Rochester area or they might take greater caution than I originally thought needed.

Whether it is during the cold of the night outside, next to a running stream, or overlooking a frozen lake or a snow-covered field, they have all become wondrous times next to each other. I love the soft breath of Breann’s whispers as they come across my ears or cheeks. We often don’t have the funds for a time out, friends and public gatherings become inexpensive times out together. Even when sexual times are down to once or twice a week; sensual times are almost a daily occurrence, even daily-doubles or other multiples.

Part-time work for the DNR, Department of Natural Resources, which was spars pays dividends to come early April with a full-time summer job. That and graduation from Augie looms in my future…

Story to be continued…

I had traveled back to my university in April making sure both of my independent studies were more than satisfactory; they once again drew honors. My January project was to help draw up the final plans for two of this year’s projects. One included a river and tributary cleanup of one watershed. It only covered about 10,000 acres but somehow got national news coverage. Come July I found myself drawing up similar plans for our part of upstate New York.

I complained to somebody who listened that while there was no shortage of trees too many shrub pines and trees that were not native to the areas were causing a diminishing of oaks and the hardwood trees that should inhabit the land. This led to a three-fold problem for me. I was tasked with more public speaking which was seen above my work. I was designing as well as implementing projects, and I was asked to get more schooling. My work rating was classified for those with a master’s degree.

Breann was amused, “I told you to get your master’s degree but no you wanted to get to work and get your wife pregnant.”

We were only beginning to work to get my wife pregnant, and income needs even with her having a Pell grant necessitated me working. It is one of those things one doesn’t mind especially as I’m helping to change the world. Getting women involved helped in getting guys involved so the initial workforces showed up.

The first injection of sperm into Bree didn’t take nor did the second but in October everyone watched her progress very closely and we were sure by Thanksgiving she’s pregnant. We weren’t telling anyone until her sister Liz guessed after Christmas. She caught Bree in a playful mood and said, “That’s not my sister stressing out and wanting to have a baby?”

Bree’s reply was, “We’re not telling anyone yet.” When it became known she was over two months pregnant I needed to call my parents as well. This was doubly good news for them as Katie had become with child shortly after her Labor Day wedding.

It wasn’t easy on my ego that I was the odd person out in getting pregnant. Yes, I know it is not biologically possible, but it doesn’t make being me easier. I find my emotions swinging as I’m excited that we have a baby on the way. She’s my daughter as well. Yes, we’re hoping the baby’s a girl, but would love a boy as well. It is just easier saying one thing and not it or she/he.

Bree even into her fifth month does not look very pregnant. It is however the time we receive the news that she’s having twins.

Bree’s wrapping up her dissertation defense and I’ve been helping to organize things for her as well as me. I am happy that Bree and I share our like for Prof. Dr. Hagen. I have her at night and she’s Bree’s chief professor. She holds us to the task but is caring in doing so.

It probably didn’t hurt that she had an accident nearby and took shelter in our apartment for the night.

It was the week before Easter that Bree successfully defended her dissertation and qualified for her degree.

It was Dr. Hagen who decided that I had enough experience to qualify as two courses toward my master’s degree. With the many brilliant women studying, working, and instructing around the Rochester area; I am fortunate in being noticed. But as one photo-journalist said, “You’re the one who can run the fields and look like a deer in doing so.” She had in fact caught a series of pictures of me running and jumping over a tree stump. DNR rangers do not look especially graceful in uniform, but Lisa caught me responding to an emergency, and it made the news. One of my volunteers was shoved away and hurt by a logger.

We had given them permission to log some of our cleared trees, but the culprit involved forgot he was working in a public area. That I got in his face and reminded him he was an invited guest was tough for him to hear. Apologies and recompense came for the injured volunteer and others disturbed. We were fortunate to have some of it visually documented.

I could have called it a day for my workers and me, but I chose instead that it needed to be the loggers who displaced themselves and leave for two days. Free logs, were of enough benefit that they acquiesced to our requests. No, I am not a senior officer or with that much clout, but I had the support and appreciation of those that do.

It is early June with five weeks before Bree’s due date that she’s requiring more time off of her legs and pampering. I have given up some work and took only one summer class, and I am mostly reviewing new projects not fully planning them. Susan Dorft is with us and while I’d like my mom too. There’s not the room or ability to put up with more estrogen.

I take to wearing a ranger’s skirt even where it is less than ideal. Katie seeing a picture of me likens it to Gary in his running skirt. I am not missing being Gary, but I desire more time being girly.

Bree and I have impressed most and upset few being in Lamaze classes together. Cerera, one would be moms, invited her sister to be with her once we showed up. I am sure it is not uncommon but women are sensitive not to cause grief. Women being there for women as I say is common here. But the one sister was not wanting to be seen to be like me or lesbian women. Her sister Cora was tense and straining in being there for her sister this one week. That was until I began massaging her shoulders and she was a bundle of tight knots. Luckily for Cora and the head nurse; another participant was massage specialist.

That evening was extra-long as Cora’s tension also needed her to allow being touched and loved. It wasn’t settled in one night, but her sister was a different woman walking away.

My joy came in how well Bree handled the birthing of our twins. Kayla was born with a lock of dark hair, the birth came rather easily born at 11:47 at night while our second child gave us a delay. False labor started an hour later and a half-hour after that. It was heart-warming as Bree was back to being herself and twenty minutes after two she eased into labor and the delivery went smoothly. The baby’s name was supposed to be different but Gloria which had been a choice of both of us became her name once we saw her.

The multiple delays in Breann’s labor were unusual and I feared it might be emotionally weighing on Breann. She herself said it was like an epiphany, that she heard a bird or angelic sound, and her spirit lifted. A meteor was reported to have gone over upstate New York and brightened the sky that night. Grandma Susan had even seen it from the waiting room.

We got a double dose of what we wanted and that was fine with the two of us. Both Grandmothers were soon here though they were required to alternate taking night shifts. Both Grandmothers were pleased when they were with Bree when she was nursing. I was the one who carried the babies, burped, and changed them. I was awestruck by their little hands and fingers. I thought they responded even to my speaking. Grandma Dorft said, “That’s how my children were with their father after they were born. Someone said they recognize your voice from when they were in the womb.” It gave me an added joy, whether it was true or not. That I had already been an impression upon their lives.

My having my mother was short-lived as Katie is nearing her due date and we agree she’s to be there with my sister. It was the third week of our twin's birth that I made an overnight trip to see Katie and her baby Colin. Needless to say, Todd and Katie were ecstatic with Colin. Like them, we’re hoping one of our girls will carry on the Dorft name. Though we giggle that it is all in the genes and it will be our girls who give birth to the next generation.

I was an honorary guest at the tenth alumni graduation gathering of Katie, Sarai, and the class before mine. People were wanting to know what happened to Gary Miller; the boy who ran in a girl’s running skirt and went to their prom. I believe more than half were quite surprised to see me as Caryn. Though I was attractive, better educated, and further along in a career than most would have imagined. Breann was now sporting a Ph.D. and I have my master’s degree and many recognitions for work in my field.

Katie had pictures of Colin and Casey; Sarai had finally broken training and is beginning her family. That Bree and I have Kayla, Glory, and Krystin and a home, off one of the Finger Lakes is a nice achievement. I was with Krystin able to get my breasts to lactate and be able to nurse her. We found it very rewarding for me and very helpful for Breann pursuing her doctorate.

I have met classmates from high school, college, and grad school at seminars and environmental panels. Everyone’s achievements seem small to me when we use satellite pictures. Petty judgments get to me now and then. The other side of the coin is I am one of the happier people that I know.

I am proud that Heather and several other little sisters are reasonably healthy. Heather is at Auggie and is known as an aunt to our girls. And true to our word she gets a yearly visit. She does have a monthly visitor and hopefully will be able to have children of her own.

Bree and I are proud the first day of kindergarten to see Glory and Kayla off to school. Lesbian couples are not so rare, and like with others, we come with various degrees of health and wellbeing. Not everyone agrees when I say I’m a woman or we’re a lesbian couple. It is just how we see ourselves.

Has Breann ever strayed or wished she had a husband; she hesitates some of the time in saying no. I can’t say I don’t see other women or even men attractive, but I haven’t been tempted enough to go there. *^_^*

Several times I’ve met or been contacted by someone who sees themselves as transgender and asks me for advice. I come away mostly having listened, and encourage them to take their time. Different from me all three find themselves more strongly attracted to men. One has become a friend and sends me pictures of their family as it grows.